Scarewaves (2014) Movie Script
(thunder rumbling)
Rex?
Come here, boy.
Come here, Rex.
(sighs)
(thunder cracking)
(staggered breath)
(screams)
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Who did you say
this happened to?
My aunt's ex-husband.
No, no,
this is urban legend garbage.
Next are you gonna
tell me about
your cousin
and a crybaby bridge?
Or better yet,
did your,
did your old friend
from middle school
maybe microwave
a poodle?
Pop rocks and soda?
A hook hanging
from the car door?
No?
For Christ sake,
could you at least
Snopes your stories
before you start
spouting them off.
Well, my friend,
I'm gonna have to demand
that you get behind me,
young worthy caller,
as I cast thee away
to the land of dead air
and the gnashing
of the teeth.
You know, I really feel
like I have to apologize to you,
my faithful listeners.
I cannot subject you
to such tyrannically mundane
drivel.
For those of you
just joining us
from the outside world--
or as I like
to call it
the dark ether
separating
the there and now--
I am your host, Amos Satan,
and this is Scarewaves.
Now, as many of you
have already heard,
tonight is our
last night on the air.
Now, before you go
and, uh,
Google how to tie a noose
or Amazon yourself
a pack of razor blades,
I've decided to make
this night
a little special.
Now, generally,
I act as a conduit
for which you all
get a soapbox
to share your stories
of the strange,
the paranormal,
and the terrifying.
But for tonight,
I'm gonna share
just a sample
of my personal
knowledge on the topic.
Oh, wait,
here we go,
we have a caller.
Yeah, Amos?
That's me, brother.
I have a story
I really wanted to tell
on your show.
I know it's the last night...
And you somehow
missed the moment
where I announced
a shift in formatting?
I've been a listener
for a long time,
and I always
wanted to tell you this,
but I was afraid to call.
Well, facing fears
is an exciting
prospect to me.
Please continue.
Oh, when I was
a little girl
my mother had one
of those silly
beehive hairdos,
you know,
the really tall one?
And spiders hatched
out of it?
You gotta be kidding me.
That's not what happened.
Oh, well, I apologize.
Please continue.
It was ants.
You gotta be kidding me.
This has gotta
be a joke.
You know what,
hate is a very strong word,
and that's why I'm
gonna use it right now.
I hate you, I hate you
and everything you'll ever be.
I'm just gonna segue
into my first story.
You know, a lot of you
may not know this about me,
but I'm a bit
of an art fan.
Some people say that
I don't get out much,
but I am a creature
of the night,
and that is when all
the best parties take place.
But the thing
that enamors me the most--
not necessarily
the art itself,
but the passion
behind it,
that all-consuming
desire to create,
and just how far
that can take a person.
This story
is about a man
who committed himself
to his art,
and would do anything
to achieve his goal
of creating something
to die for.
We'll call this story
"Painting After Midnight."
(crickets chirping)
(clock ticking)
I am so excited
to be here.
You know,
don't take this
the wrong way
but I would never
in a million years
have thought
I would be here
being painted by you.
Thank you.
Please, sit still.
You know,
that was before.
Before two years ago
your work was shit,
but now,
I'm impressed.
I don't pose
for just anybody.
I own my own gallery
and I only pose
for people I admire.
I'm not just some
model off Craigslist.
Please, try not to move.
There is something
about talented men
that I just cannot resist.
When a man is
strong physically
he can move
a couch or a desk,
but when he's
strong mentally,
creative,
he can move mountains.
Hold that pose, please.
Garrett,
don't be coy.
Who has time
for such things?
Kiss me.
Once I'm finished.
I wanna capture
your beauty first
before I experience
it fully.
Oh, I love that way
with words you have.
(mumbling under breath)
This is a nice
studio you have.
Thank you.
Is the pose all right?
Do you want me
to move my hands?
Please, hold that pose.
Have you ever...
Shh.
I think I have to be...
Wait, it's almost time.
(clock tolls)
(woman screams)
(doorbell chimes)
Yeah, can I help you?
Hi!
You had an ad
for a room for rent?
Artist preferred?
Right, of course,
come on in.
I'm a photographer.
That counts
as an artist, right?
Fine art photography.
I've got references.
I don't, um...
have a lot of money.
That won't
be a problem.
Huh, Mom?
No, it's perfect.
Only $200 a month.
I know!
I'm not stupid.
He's harmless.
Oh!
Jeez, I'm sorry.
Mom?
Yeah, I'm okay.
Can I call
you back later?
Okay, bye.
I'm Linda,
Garrett's new roommate.
Oh, hi!
I'm Jenna.
I'm being painted.
He, uh, Garrett...
he's painting me
tonight.
A portrait I mean.
(laughs)
Um, he went out
to get supplies or something.
Oh, so you're a model?
Off and on.
I mean, pays the bills.
And it's better
than dancing,
or stripping, I mean.
Right.
Do you want
some coffee?
Sure.
I never knew you
could make so much.
Well, yeah, I mean,
the girls who don't
blow it all
on stupid stuff,
they do pretty well.
(Garrett clears throat)
Linda, hi.
Didn't realize
you'd be here today.
Yeah, I was able
to get things moving
a little faster
than I thought possible.
I sent you an email.
I hope it's not a problem.
Oh, no, it's fine.
I see you met Jenna.
Yeah, she's pretty fantastic.
Linda's gonna
photograph me.
Well, that's great.
Uh, speaking of...
it's getting late,
we should probably get going.
Time's wasting.
All right, let's go!
Have fun!
I will.
(clock ticking)
Two hundred bucks
is two hundred bucks.
(clock tolls)
(light clicks off)
(Jenna moans)
(exaggerated sigh)
Roommates.
(turns on rock music)
Good night.
Hey there, sleepyhead!
Want some coffee?
Sure.
Oh.
You've got some...
What?
Paint on your ear.
Jenna's a sweet kid.
Yes, sweet.
Actually, I should
probably get going.
Catch you later.
Sure.
(birds chirping)
I'm sorry I got drunk
And ruined your good time
I was just so busy
stopping all my problems
with the wine
It wasn't anything you did,
I just can't handle this
I'm going...out.
Okay.
Hey, have you heard
from Jenna lately?
I've been trying to get
a hold of her all week.
Uh, yeah, uh...
her and I had
a dispute.
She's not real happy
with me right now.
Sorry if I messed
that up for you.
No biggie.
It happens.
Don't shit where you eat.
(Garrett chanting)
(chanting continues)
(birds chirping)
Garrett?
Garrett?
Garrett?
(clock ticking)
(phone vibrating)
(thump)
(Linda gasps)
(ripping)
(crying)
Too bad it had
to be this way.
He doesn't like it
when I deviate.
I'm sorry about
your clothes.
I have to cut them.
But you won't
be needing them.
What are you
talking about?
Let me go!
I, I can't do that.
I really am sorry.
He's very...
insistent.
Who?
I can't say his name!
Not yet.
He might not give me
the gift anymore.
I thought it was over
when you found that ladder.
I thought you would
just leave.
Stupid girl.
(smack)
It's gonna be
a pleasure to paint you.
It's gonna be beautiful.
What gift?
I'm sorry?
You said he
gives you a gift?
What gift?
Art.
More beautiful
than I could've
ever imagined.
Now be quiet.
I need to concentrate.
(sobs)
I'd prefer
without the ropes,
but this'll be
something different.
(chanting)
Shut up!
It's part of the cost.
Just like you.
One for every
full moon.
Murderer!
I've never killed
anyone in my life.
Stop squirming!
Ugh!
No!
This is part
of the deal, isn't it?
The painting?
Just, just put it down.
Go to hell!
That would be a gift
compared to what will happen.
(canvas tears)
What have you done?
You...
(clock tolls)
(Linda gasps)
(growling)
(clock tolling)
(Linda gasps)
(growling)
(screaming)
(crickets chirping)
(clock ticking)
(camera shutter clicks)
How about this one?
Perfect!
Now, turn your head
a little bit.
(camera shutter clicks)
Excellent.
Perfect.
You look beautiful.
(giggling)
(chanting)
(clock tolls)
Now, I don't want
you to think
that I see all artists
as selfish and heartless,
I would never paint
in such broad strokes.
(laughs)
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry,
I couldn't resist.
You know what,
I'm not sorry, okay?
This my show tonight, folks.
But to placate you all,
my lovely listeners,
the phone lines
are indeed open,
and clearly you already
know the number.
Hello, caller,
you're on the air.
I wanna fuck you, Amos!
Well, while I certainly
appreciate the sentiment
of your comment,
I've no doubt
that the validity
of what you have to say
may be lost
on the FCC.
But what the hell?
It's our last night
on the air.
They can just put it
on my tab.
Are, are you still there?
Hello?
Yeah...
So, what can I do for you?
Uh, I thought you would
hang up on me.
I, uh...
(phone clicks)
Well, fair enough.
You know, my grandfather
was a man of few words himself,
although I never hope
to see him naked.
I appreciate you,
sweetheart.
Hello, next caller.
Amos Satan?
That's me,
what can I do for you?
Well, for starters,
you can start paying
your debts
like a grown man.
'Scuse me?
Don't you get
your mail, Amos?
Or should I call you Eric?
Listen, buddy,
this is neither
the time or the place
to drudge up
whatever it is
you're selling.
You can't hide.
Goodbye, dickweed.
For some people,
they can never have enough.
Their sense
of entitlement
will forever redefine
what "fair" means.
I'm not trying to get
political or anything,
I mean, whether you're
talking about a politician
or just simply a friend
who's grabbing
the last piece of bread
while you're waiting
for your entree,
it doesn't matter.
Everyone has
their own idea
of what fair means.
This story is
about two men
who draw a line
in the sand,
but as the waves
crash in,
that line begins
to erode.
Is blood really
thicker than water?
I know one thing
for sure,
someone is about
to get their fair scare.
Don't let the puns
stop you, folks,
it's a good one.
Crying,
tugging on my jersey,
pulling my tail,
puking on my shoes.
Yeah, it's a hard knock
life, Pokey.
Don't call me Pokey.
Nobody is ever gonna
call me Pokey again.
Yeah, whatever.
Good evening,
this is Ronnie Reynolds
with a news update.
Our Pilots
won the ballgame,
but it was the entire
team that lost
as a bandit robbed
the ticket booth
at gunpoint tonight.
Although exact totals
have not been released,
the armored car
was at the end
of a long circuit
and may have been carrying
upwards of $2 million.
More information...
That ain't right.
That bag was awful heavy.
You left a candle
burning in the window.
Did you get the money?
Of course!
They didn't even notice
me coming up on them.
Of course they didn't notice.
You aren't anybody.
The power switched off.
Don't worry about her.
I ain't the one
that gotta worry about her.
But could you two
keep it down a bit?
Relax.
There's no neighbors
for 15 miles.
Moons out, goons out.
You didn't think
we'd need three glasses?
I told you
this was foolproof.
It was even better
than foolproof.
Turns out that armored
truck that came
to pick up the gate
at the ballpark,
well it was the last haul
of a long day.
We ain't just got
a couple thousand in there.
I think we've got
a million.
That's a hell
of a three-way split.
Who said anything about
a three-way split?
Ole Pokey here did all
the shooting and the robbing,
and I drove
the getaway car
and was the brains
behind this operation,
but what exactly
did you do?
This is my
grandmother's old house.
A place where we can hide.
It can never be
traced to us.
And did you kill
your grandma
for this place?
No!
Then you ain't
done nothing.
We could've found the keys
to this place ourselves.
They're probably under
that concrete frog out front.
Do you have something
to say to your cousin?
What'd I tell you
about calling me Pokey?
Hey, your husband got
a little salty tonight.
Seems he gets a crawl
up his butt
about that mascot thing.
I thought that was
just to scare people.
Oh, it scared 'em all right.
A few bullet shots
to the chest
would scare the hell
out of anybody.
They didn't
take me serious.
Nobody takes you seriously.
You're the mascot.
Well, that's why
I had to pull the gun out.
Oh, Jesus.
That's why it was
foolproof.
They were unloading
the gate.
They never imagined
the mascot
would come up
on them.
But they laughed at me.
Again, mascot.
People are supposed
to laugh!
Well...
they ain't laughing now.
You know, I ain't had nothing
but my uncle's shine
out of these old
ball jars.
We had wine glasses.
We broke 'em
in a fight.
To wedded bliss then.
There's been
a change of plans.
See, since your husband
decided to go all O.K. Corral,
I probably won't
be leaving till the morning.
Let things
settle down a bit,
so if you could
just point me
to a guest room.
Upstairs.
Thank you.
Now, I'm a might
tired myself,
but your husband
might have some adrenaline
he needs to shake off
from all the gunplay.
If my Tommy John
surgery had took,
I'd be in the majors
right now
instead of being
the mascot.
But that's how it
went down.
And here we are.
Tommy John?
That sounds like a salon,
not an operation.
I mean, I was in Iraq
pulling shrapnel
out of my leg
from an IED
with a KA-BAR,
and you hurt yourself
throwing a ball.
Tommy John was only
in the top ten
of left handed pitchers
of all time is all.
And I'm sure when they run
the bottom ten of that list
your phone will
be ringing off the hook.
Now, half of that
is mine,
and the other half
is yours,
and whatever you do
with your half
ain't none of my concern.
So...
You gonna pour me a glass?
(crickets chirping)
(door creaks open)
Mitchell's asleep.
I didn't think
he sent you.
Two-way split?
I already got one
with your husband.
I'd say that seals
the deal then.
Hey!
There's a lot more skanks
like you in the world
than there are
bags of money.
And I stopped letting
little Robbie
make executive decisions
a long time ago.
Not since middle school.
You bastard.
I'm probably gonna
regret that.
You're looking
pretty down for a guy
that just
got a bag of money.
You're gonna be
gone in the morning,
so don't worry about it.
Maybe I'll see you
at Christmas.
Shit...
I'll still be
in Bangkok
watching the ping pong
shows at Christmas.
Look, uh...
Your marriage
ain't my business.
Damn straight.
But your wife
just came to me
talking about
a two-way split.
What are you
talking about?
I don't know if she means
to snitch you out or kill you,
but I ain't having
any part of it.
That's some bullshit.
Blood is blood, cousin.
It's the way
it's always been.
I remember when
you were in the hospital
getting your
operation done,
there was, uh,
some real Bull Durham shit
going on with your teammates,
except a lot more
spit roasting.
(dog barking)
We gotta do
something about Robbie.
I'm even less
afraid of a bat
than you throwing
a ball at me.
Did you ever have a hit
in the major leagues?
I can't say
major leagues, can I?
The stadium
that you robbed...
you bottomed out.
What was it?
Single A?
Triple A?
It was one of those
battery sizes.
Triple A.
Right below
the majors.
Right below
the majors.
(grip tightens)
(screams)
Mitchell?
Hey buddy.
(exhausted sigh)
Oh, shit fire
and pray to Jesus!
You could've just
strangled her.
You are so dramatic.
Man, she's got an ass
like a dump truck.
How come I never
noticed this before?
There's a river
a ways through the woods.
So, lift with your legs.
All right.
Oh, uh, you got a little
something on you.
Oh.
One, two...
(splash)
Burial at sea.
Bye.
Well, do you suppose
her grandma's
got anything stronger
than wine up at the place?
I just need some sleep.
You sure do,
you had a hard day.
Look, you take
the guest room.
I'll take the couch.
(water bubbles up)
No!
(door creaking)
(panicked breathing)
Ava?
(exhales)
(shrieks)
Robbie?
Robbie!
(door creaking)
No!
No!
(gunshot)
We forgot the bat.
I threw it in
with her.
Thank you.
Thank you for
looking out for me.
Blood is blood.
Blood is blood.
I would've split it
with you, cousin.
But I don't have to.
I mean, it was
just an accident.
What the hell?
Where's my money?
(gunshot)
All that cold hard cash,
what would be going
through your head?
I guess in Mitchell's case
it was a bullet.
But don't let
the gruesome death
or tawdry sex
distract you
from the moral
of the story.
Never get married.
Even if your mom
likes her.
Well, my friends,
I have to go take
a little breaky-poo
so I can go
sharpen my teeth,
that's code word
for use the bathroom.
So, please enjoy
this song
as I go see a man
about a horse,
but don't go anywhere,
'cause I'm only really
just getting started
right here
on Scarewaves.
(muffled music)
Just do the show, brother.
(flushes)
I'm ba-ack!
Did you miss me?
Of course you did,
because I'm your main man,
your guide into the dark,
the cult of personality
himself,
Amos Satan,
back to continue
this very special episode
of Scarewaves.
You know, you would think
that I've seen it all,
and that I've become
pretty desensitized
to all things
that go bump in the night,
but that isn't always
necessarily the case.
I actually spooked
myself a little bit
as I was walking
through the empty hallways
of the station
to make my way
to the little boys room.
A walk I've made
so many times
can feel so different
when there's just
something off.
Call it a feeling
in your guts, if you will,
and I will.
It seems to me that
people are the most on edge
when they're convinced
in the back of their minds
that someone or something
is coming for them.
Most of the time
this can be something
really simple like
a boss harping on you
over a deadline,
or a spouse demanding
that you make a decision
on whether or not
to trade in the Lexus.
But what if the thing
that was coming for you
wasn't something
you could avoid
just by hiding
in the bathroom
and listening to your iPod?
What if you were hiding
from yourself?
From the past?
Part of you?
Where could you go?
Where could you hide?
This is exactly
what the man
in my next story
had to figure out.
He too has a past
he's trying to hide from,
and a new job in a dark office
building, naturally.
Let's call this story
"Office Case."
Do you know why
you're here today,
Officer Easterly?
Yeah, it'd be kinda hard
not to know why.
The office
is very concerned
by this latest incident.
Now, my job here today
is simple:
I'm gonna lay out
the facts
as I have them
in the file,
then I'm gonna get
your story.
Do you have any questions
before we begin?
Yeah.
You have a cigarette?
I'm sorry,
there's no smoking
in this building,
Officer Easterly.
All those pesky
rules and regulations,
you know?
You have some kind
of problem with me, pal?
I'm just doing
my job, Easterly.
But then you know all about
that defense, don't you?
I was wondering
if you were gonna show up.
Had a flat tire.
I'm only three minutes late.
Have you had a tour
of the building yet?
Yeah, the HR girl
did one for me.
Great!
I've got places to be.
How often do you do
your walk-throughs?
I'm gonna have
to plead the fifth on that one.
So, what kind of issues
have they had around here?
Ah, your usual stuff.
Uh, kids who think
it's a thrill
to break in after hours,
very rare burglar,
and if you're lucky,
the occasional couple
who comes in
to get it on!
And your response
to that?
Focus adjust
on the security camera,
there's popcorn
in the vending machines.
Look, it's an easy gig.
You do your walk-throughs
as often
or as little as you like.
As long as nothing happens,
no one's gonna
check up on you.
So, why is it
so dark around here?
Ah, the building owners
are a couple
of those green nuts.
The lights automatically
turn off at 6pm every evening
except for the main hallway,
which doesn't turn off
till 11:30
unless someone's
working late.
We're working late.
I guess we're not someone.
What if there's
an emergency?
Well, maintenance
can turn the power on,
but they like having
that power,
and I think they enjoy
fucking with us.
What kind of weapon
do you use on duty?
Why?
Are you gonna
shoot maintenance?
Are you planning a coup?
Jesus, you're uptight.
I need to show you
where the lawyers
on the third floor
keep their pot.
Look, I don't carry one,
but if it makes you
feel better, you can.
It's BYOG around here.
All right, tough guy.
Here's your flashlight.
Here are your keys.
Try not to shoot anyone.
What's that supposed to mean?
I watch the news, okay?
All those scumbags you axed
deserved it.
Let's get
one thing straight.
I didn't axe anybody.
All I did was find myself
in situations
where I had to fire
my weapon at criminals
in the line of duty.
Look, man,
I'm not judging.
But if you shoot
anyone around here,
try not to make it
the lawyers
coming in for their stash.
Their buddies
will defend 'em
and they'll take you
for everything you got.
I want you to walk me
through the night one more time.
Step by step
starting from the moment
you received that call.
We have been through this
three times already.
This is bull
and you know it!
I would think someone
in your current position
would be a lot more
willing to cooperate.
I am willing
to cooperate
with the department.
What I am not willing to do
is sit here
while some little shit
plays games
trying to catch me
in a lie,
and is too fucking stupid
to realize
there is no lie!
You don't seem
to appreciate
your current position,
Officer Easterly.
Yeah, well I appreciate it
a lot more than you realize.
This isn't the first time
I've been here
because I had to do something
in the line of duty.
Yes.
You're pretty proud
of that reputation, aren't you?
Just as proud
as you are.
I built my reputation
fighting for what
I believed in,
not caring what anyone in this
department thought of me.
I fought for what
I believed was right,
and for the greater good.
What do you believe in,
Easterly?
Perfect.
(chuckles)
That little bastard
was right.
Dear dirtbag.
My apologies
for removing
your stash.
I'm just looking out
for the interests
of everybody
in the building.
I'll be watching you.
(chuckles)
(toilet flushes)
Let's see what those
defenders of the law
think about that.
Police, freeze!
I said freeze!
Get on the goddamn ground!
Don't move.
I said don't move.
I said don't--
(gunshot)
Hello?
Security.
Anybody here?
(water running)
What the hell is...
Links!
You goddamn
son of a bitch!
Is this you?
I'm not putting up
with any hazing bullshit!
Help!
Oh, I got you now.
Police, freeze!
You're not a cop anymore.
Help!
Shut up! Shut up!
All right, asshole,
let her go!
I said let her go!
Fuck you, pig!
Get down.
I said get down now!
Fuck off!
Don't move,
put it down!
Put it down!
Put it down, goddammit!
(gunshot)
(crickets chirping)
Fuck is maintenance up to?
Links, is this
your idea of a joke?
It's not too
goddamn funny.
If you're trying
to get yourself shot,
you're doing a good
job of it.
Oh, Links,
you motherfucker.
All right, punk,
put down the gun
and let him go.
Eat shit, pig.
Let me go,
just let me go.
Shut up,
I'm trying to think!
I said let him go.
Look, there's nowhere
for you to run,
nowhere to hide,
now just put down
the weapon
and let him go.
Fuck you!
No cop has ever done shit
for someone like me.
Fine.
Look, my backup
is on the way,
they'll be here
any minute.
Now, just put down the gun
and let him go.
Run, run!
Hey, man,
I guess you got me.
I guess I do.
(gunshots)
So...
What really happened
at that crack house, Easterly?
After all,
you're the only one
in any kind of condition
to tell me the whole story.
The scumbag fired at me.
I had no choice.
What about
the bystander?
She a scumbag, too?
Still living
regret free?
Shooting
that little girl
is the only thing
that I regret
from my career.
I don't think I'd feel
the same about shooting you.
Your badge
and gun, officer.
After all this time,
that's it?
You're kicking me out!
You disobeyed
a direct order.
And result was
a dead civilian.
You're damn lucky
you're not being charged.
I was just doing my duty.
Well, I see it differently.
Way I see it,
if you'd done your job,
that girl would
still be alive.
But you have
your whole life
to contemplate
that one, don't you?
This is Unit 23,
I am entering
the premises now.
10-4, Unit 23.
Proceed with caution.
Suspect is believed
to be armed
and extremely dangerous.
10-4, dispatch.
Goddamn cop killer.
Just great.
(gunshot)
Dispatch,
this is Unit 23.
Shots fired,
I repeat, shots fired.
I'm going after
the perp now.
Unit 23, advise you
hold your position
and wait for backup.
Negative, dispatch.
I am not letting
this son of a bitch
shoot another cop.
Easterly,
hold your position.
That's an order.
(gunshots)
Dispatch,
this is Unit 23.
Repeat, Unit 23,
perp is down.
I'm moving in
to investigate.
Dispatch,
this is Unit 23,
send the paramedics now.
Now, goddammit!
The hell?
Custodial.
Custodial!
Is there anybody
in this shit hole?
We're here with you,
officer.
Links.
Is that you,
you son of a bitch?
Look, I am tired
of this bullshit.
I'd like to know
how you're doing this.
Are you really
that foolish, officer?
Can't you tell
what's going on tonight?
You deserved it.
Each one of you
deserved it.
If you're trying
to torment me
with my regrets,
it isn't gonna work.
I'd shoot each
one of you again.
Did I deserve it,
officer?
I didn't mean it.
You killed me, officer.
You were supposed
to protect me.
I didn't mean it.
I'm sorry.
You wanna make it right?
How?
How?!
Hey, super cop,
have your had your dose
of serve and protect
for the night yet?
Come on, man,
don't tempt me
to go back home.
The sweet embrace
of my sweaty sheets beckons.
Oh, shit.
In the end,
he found himself
back in the nightmare,
but did he ever really
leave the nightmare
to begin with?
Ooh, I can hear
your silence.
Sorry, no quips
or puns here.
I'm not that
predictable, am I?
Nope.
I think to crack
a joke right here
would be an absolute cop out!
Ha, I win.
Ooh, we have a call.
I'm so sad to hear you go.
I know, my friend,
I know.
But there is often
a time to move on.
I'm sure you will get by
somehow without my show.
I'm not talking
about your show.
You've messed
with the wrong people.
Man, the prank callers
sure are out tonight.
Must be the full moon.
You can't hide.
Just like that crooked cop,
you're dead.
How dare you try
to threaten me.
I'm not afraid you.
Obviously, the only people
I'm afraid of
are the people who
know where I keep
my coffin when I sleep.
You know, endings
can be very hard,
but there is something
to be said
for having certainty.
Now, while I may not
love ending my program,
it is a kind of liberation.
I know that after tonight,
it is time to move on.
Wouldn't it be worse
to wait endlessly?
Uncertain of when
or how things would cease?
That is where
fear exists,
in the unknown.
What's gonna happen
to us in the next day?
A promotion at your job?
A new relationship?
A brain tumor?
Life is full
of those unknowns.
But that just leads me into
my final story of the night.
A young woman wants
more out of her life
than she's currently getting.
And she's relying
on her boyfriend
to take the final step.
But this will bring
into her a whole world
of uncertainty
where she will wonder,
is it worth the wait?
(phone vibrates)
It's about time!
You just can't stand
to be away from me,
can you baby?
Oh, you know
I can't stand it.
So, you ready?
Yeah, I got your
little present,
and we'll be all set
to give it to her,
but...
don't you think
it's a little...gruesome?
Don't think of it
as brutality.
Think of it as...
simplicity.
When?
Uh, soon, I promise.
Please don't make me
wait much longer.
I feel like
I'm going insane.
I'd never do that to us.
This is for us.
I just, I don't know
how much longer
I can stand this waiting.
I haven't gotten a real
night's sleep in weeks.
It has to be tonight, okay?
All good things
come to those who wait.
You know I hate clichs.
It'll be ours.
All ours.
All ours.
I love you.
I love you, too.
I'm so glad to see you.
You've been so busy
and I've just missed you.
I have something special
planned for you tonight.
Me too.
Come on!
Walking down the hallway and I
cannot seem to concentrate
Already hit the floor four
times during my dizzy state
Walk around today like I
haven't got a fucking clue
And I'm the one
who's fucked up
and I'm wondering
what's wrong with you
I think I'm losing
my mind
I think I'm losing
my mind
I think I'm losing
my mind
Once again
Hypocrite who hates
on hypocrites
I'm always first
to contradict
(music fades out)
Come on, tonight!
Get it done tonight!
(moaning)
What's the matter?
I'm pretty sure you
got yours, too, you know.
Oh, I did.
In spades.
Then what's wrong?
You're beautiful.
Thank you.
But you're trying
to change the subject.
Did you get it?
Of course I got it.
It's in a duffle bag
in the living room.
I figured you could
use that
to carry our loot.
Isn't that a little
barbaric?
Don't be childish.
I got it with cash
20 miles from home.
Everyone has one.
No one will
suspect a thing.
We could even just
throw it in a lake
or a river
after it's done.
It'll be long gone.
Never to be seen again.
Can't be that easy.
Why not?
I watch those
crime investigation shows.
No murder weapon,
no conviction.
Do you have
to use that word?
Look, you said it yourself.
You love me,
and I love you.
She's in the way.
She doesn't care
about you.
At least not the way I do.
No one could love you
the way I do.
She keeps her money
in a drawer
in the back
of her closet.
Nobody knows it's there.
She doesn't even
trust banks,
the dumb bitch.
Don't speak ill
of the dead.
Jesus.
I love you.
I love you, too.
We will be together.
Once she's gone.
Ah! Was it worth it!
(panicked breathing)
Nothing!
Goddammit!
(giggling)
(giggling)
(phone vibrates)
You all right?
Me? Oh yeah, I'm just stretching
it out, you know?
I heard your cell phone
go off.
You know,
you're pretty popular tonight.
No, not really.
Come on.
There's been more
buzzing in your pants
than in a nun's sex life.
(giggling)
You're sick.
Well, that's why
you love me.
Yeah, I guess so.
Are you all right?
I'm fine.
You're acting
a little off.
No, not really.
You know, try to relax.
Here, you want
the remote?
(giggling)
(phone vibrating)
Soon?
That's it?
Is this even
gonna happen today?
Oh, I've gotta
get a grip.
We're gonna be fine.
We'll be fine.
(phone vibrates)
Oh, what was that?
You okay?
Yeah, this movie's...
it's wild.
You're awfully
jumpy tonight.
I guess so.
Do you want something,
like some soup or popcorn?
Maybe a drink?
No, I'm all right, okay?
All right, well,
just cool your jets.
Yeah?
Are you okay?
I thought you were being
a little weird yourself.
Yeah, well...I'm tired.
Oh.
I guess I thought
that we were gonna watch
a midnight movie tonight.
That's what I thought
was gonna happen.
Yeah, well,
I changed my mind.
This is gonna
take forever.
Ugh, Jesus Christ.
Jesus Christ!
This is just like him.
Just like him.
He promises so much.
Does he ever follow through?
Why should he?
He's got two women
in his pocket.
Ugh!
I must look like
such an idiot.
I love him so much!
(heavy breathing)
He loves me.
I know he does.
He really loves me.
Baby, I finally did it.
It was worth the wait, I...
Tara?
(screams)
Nothing?
Are you kidding me?!
Work with me!
Goddammit!
Goddammit.
(knocking)
(knocking)
Was it worth it, Tara?
Hello?
Was it worth it?
Who's ever out there...
you better get the hell out!
I got a .44 Magnum
and I'm not afraid to use it!
That is if my
cop boyfriend
doesn't come out first!
(crickets chirping)
(panicked breathing)
Maybe I'm not
cut out for this.
(muffled gurgling)
Maybe I'm just hungry.
I'm just seeing things.
I gotta get
a grip on myself.
Are your eggs tainted?
An epidemic that's
sweeping the nation
tonight at 10 o'clock.
(phone vibrates)
"I'm sorry"?
What the fuck
does that even mean?
Just do the deed!
Just bash her
in her skull!
This is taking weeks!
He's taking the money.
He's taking the money.
He has more than enough
evidence on me.
He can prove
I bought the hammer.
He hated her!
That bastard!
You can't do this to me!
You're not bringing
me down, lover boy.
I'm not some
stupid bimbo!
(door cracks)
Was it worth it, Tara?
Was it?
I didn't do it!
I didn't kill you!
I'm sorry!
Was it worth the wait?
Was it?
I didn't do anything!
Was it worth the wait?
I didn't kill you,
it was his idea!
I just went along with it!
Was it worth the wait?
I'm sorry!
(thump)
(car door opens)
(door squeaks)
Tara?
I'm so sorry.
I just couldn't do it.
But...we could still
be together.
I mean, I broke up
with her tonight.
(screaming)
All right.
Time's up, deadbeat.
You know, maybe patience
isn't a virtue after all.
But let's not let
the moral of the story slide by.
Always kill
your girlfriend.
Well, I hope you have
all enjoyed
this final night
delving into
what scares us
most of all:
the unknown.
As I prepare to make
my own voyage
into the ambiguity
all around us,
I just wanna say
that I appreciate you
lending me your ears
and your minds.
Like I promised all along,
I've given them
back to you,
but with one small
piece of advice attached:
don't spend your time
fearing the undiscovered,
for life is far
too short for most.
Simply respect it
for what it is,
and sail onwards
aboard the big ocean
we call life.
I'm Amos Satan,
your favorite fiend,
signing off.
Ahoy, my friends,
and good night.
(deep exhale)
I'm sorry,
but the show's over,
I've gotta pack up.
You're not
going anywhere.
I don't understand.
You owe people money.
If you don't have
the cash,
there are other ways
for you to pay.
Why don't you just
turn around
and walk away, okay?
We'll leave it at that.
You know,
I'm a fan of yours, actually.
I listen to your show
pretty often.
Tonight's episode
might be my favorite.
But I realized something.
You don't listen
to your own stories.
'Cause everyone that lies,
cheats, and steals
gets their comeuppance.
I guess tonight
really is your last night.
Well, there's one thing
you forgot about my stories...
What's that?
It always ends
with a twist.
(screams)
(gunshot)
Hearing something creepy
coming through
my radio
A late night broadcast
of Amos Satan's
horror show
Tales of terror,
some you won't believe
Late night is paranormal,
he's got what I need
Blood
Deceit
Revenge
Complete
Horror
Lies
Wicked stories
in your ears
all fall
before your very eyes
Scarewaves
Scarewaves
Scarewaves
Hellish tales
of crime and woe
Scarewaves
Scarewaves
Scarewaves
Coming through
my radio
A ghoulish facade
is over on my radio
It's got me hooked on
Amos Satan's scream show
Tales so dreadful
they make my skin crawl
But I can't just
sit down
I gotta listen
to them all go
Deceit
Revenge
Complete
Horror
Lies
Wicked stories
Satan has
are falling before
your very eyes
Scarewaves
Scarewaves
Scarewaves
Hellish tales
of crime and woe
Scarewaves
Scarewaves
Scarewaves
Coming through
my radio
Rex?
Come here, boy.
Come here, Rex.
(sighs)
(thunder cracking)
(staggered breath)
(screams)
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Who did you say
this happened to?
My aunt's ex-husband.
No, no,
this is urban legend garbage.
Next are you gonna
tell me about
your cousin
and a crybaby bridge?
Or better yet,
did your,
did your old friend
from middle school
maybe microwave
a poodle?
Pop rocks and soda?
A hook hanging
from the car door?
No?
For Christ sake,
could you at least
Snopes your stories
before you start
spouting them off.
Well, my friend,
I'm gonna have to demand
that you get behind me,
young worthy caller,
as I cast thee away
to the land of dead air
and the gnashing
of the teeth.
You know, I really feel
like I have to apologize to you,
my faithful listeners.
I cannot subject you
to such tyrannically mundane
drivel.
For those of you
just joining us
from the outside world--
or as I like
to call it
the dark ether
separating
the there and now--
I am your host, Amos Satan,
and this is Scarewaves.
Now, as many of you
have already heard,
tonight is our
last night on the air.
Now, before you go
and, uh,
Google how to tie a noose
or Amazon yourself
a pack of razor blades,
I've decided to make
this night
a little special.
Now, generally,
I act as a conduit
for which you all
get a soapbox
to share your stories
of the strange,
the paranormal,
and the terrifying.
But for tonight,
I'm gonna share
just a sample
of my personal
knowledge on the topic.
Oh, wait,
here we go,
we have a caller.
Yeah, Amos?
That's me, brother.
I have a story
I really wanted to tell
on your show.
I know it's the last night...
And you somehow
missed the moment
where I announced
a shift in formatting?
I've been a listener
for a long time,
and I always
wanted to tell you this,
but I was afraid to call.
Well, facing fears
is an exciting
prospect to me.
Please continue.
Oh, when I was
a little girl
my mother had one
of those silly
beehive hairdos,
you know,
the really tall one?
And spiders hatched
out of it?
You gotta be kidding me.
That's not what happened.
Oh, well, I apologize.
Please continue.
It was ants.
You gotta be kidding me.
This has gotta
be a joke.
You know what,
hate is a very strong word,
and that's why I'm
gonna use it right now.
I hate you, I hate you
and everything you'll ever be.
I'm just gonna segue
into my first story.
You know, a lot of you
may not know this about me,
but I'm a bit
of an art fan.
Some people say that
I don't get out much,
but I am a creature
of the night,
and that is when all
the best parties take place.
But the thing
that enamors me the most--
not necessarily
the art itself,
but the passion
behind it,
that all-consuming
desire to create,
and just how far
that can take a person.
This story
is about a man
who committed himself
to his art,
and would do anything
to achieve his goal
of creating something
to die for.
We'll call this story
"Painting After Midnight."
(crickets chirping)
(clock ticking)
I am so excited
to be here.
You know,
don't take this
the wrong way
but I would never
in a million years
have thought
I would be here
being painted by you.
Thank you.
Please, sit still.
You know,
that was before.
Before two years ago
your work was shit,
but now,
I'm impressed.
I don't pose
for just anybody.
I own my own gallery
and I only pose
for people I admire.
I'm not just some
model off Craigslist.
Please, try not to move.
There is something
about talented men
that I just cannot resist.
When a man is
strong physically
he can move
a couch or a desk,
but when he's
strong mentally,
creative,
he can move mountains.
Hold that pose, please.
Garrett,
don't be coy.
Who has time
for such things?
Kiss me.
Once I'm finished.
I wanna capture
your beauty first
before I experience
it fully.
Oh, I love that way
with words you have.
(mumbling under breath)
This is a nice
studio you have.
Thank you.
Is the pose all right?
Do you want me
to move my hands?
Please, hold that pose.
Have you ever...
Shh.
I think I have to be...
Wait, it's almost time.
(clock tolls)
(woman screams)
(doorbell chimes)
Yeah, can I help you?
Hi!
You had an ad
for a room for rent?
Artist preferred?
Right, of course,
come on in.
I'm a photographer.
That counts
as an artist, right?
Fine art photography.
I've got references.
I don't, um...
have a lot of money.
That won't
be a problem.
Huh, Mom?
No, it's perfect.
Only $200 a month.
I know!
I'm not stupid.
He's harmless.
Oh!
Jeez, I'm sorry.
Mom?
Yeah, I'm okay.
Can I call
you back later?
Okay, bye.
I'm Linda,
Garrett's new roommate.
Oh, hi!
I'm Jenna.
I'm being painted.
He, uh, Garrett...
he's painting me
tonight.
A portrait I mean.
(laughs)
Um, he went out
to get supplies or something.
Oh, so you're a model?
Off and on.
I mean, pays the bills.
And it's better
than dancing,
or stripping, I mean.
Right.
Do you want
some coffee?
Sure.
I never knew you
could make so much.
Well, yeah, I mean,
the girls who don't
blow it all
on stupid stuff,
they do pretty well.
(Garrett clears throat)
Linda, hi.
Didn't realize
you'd be here today.
Yeah, I was able
to get things moving
a little faster
than I thought possible.
I sent you an email.
I hope it's not a problem.
Oh, no, it's fine.
I see you met Jenna.
Yeah, she's pretty fantastic.
Linda's gonna
photograph me.
Well, that's great.
Uh, speaking of...
it's getting late,
we should probably get going.
Time's wasting.
All right, let's go!
Have fun!
I will.
(clock ticking)
Two hundred bucks
is two hundred bucks.
(clock tolls)
(light clicks off)
(Jenna moans)
(exaggerated sigh)
Roommates.
(turns on rock music)
Good night.
Hey there, sleepyhead!
Want some coffee?
Sure.
Oh.
You've got some...
What?
Paint on your ear.
Jenna's a sweet kid.
Yes, sweet.
Actually, I should
probably get going.
Catch you later.
Sure.
(birds chirping)
I'm sorry I got drunk
And ruined your good time
I was just so busy
stopping all my problems
with the wine
It wasn't anything you did,
I just can't handle this
I'm going...out.
Okay.
Hey, have you heard
from Jenna lately?
I've been trying to get
a hold of her all week.
Uh, yeah, uh...
her and I had
a dispute.
She's not real happy
with me right now.
Sorry if I messed
that up for you.
No biggie.
It happens.
Don't shit where you eat.
(Garrett chanting)
(chanting continues)
(birds chirping)
Garrett?
Garrett?
Garrett?
(clock ticking)
(phone vibrating)
(thump)
(Linda gasps)
(ripping)
(crying)
Too bad it had
to be this way.
He doesn't like it
when I deviate.
I'm sorry about
your clothes.
I have to cut them.
But you won't
be needing them.
What are you
talking about?
Let me go!
I, I can't do that.
I really am sorry.
He's very...
insistent.
Who?
I can't say his name!
Not yet.
He might not give me
the gift anymore.
I thought it was over
when you found that ladder.
I thought you would
just leave.
Stupid girl.
(smack)
It's gonna be
a pleasure to paint you.
It's gonna be beautiful.
What gift?
I'm sorry?
You said he
gives you a gift?
What gift?
Art.
More beautiful
than I could've
ever imagined.
Now be quiet.
I need to concentrate.
(sobs)
I'd prefer
without the ropes,
but this'll be
something different.
(chanting)
Shut up!
It's part of the cost.
Just like you.
One for every
full moon.
Murderer!
I've never killed
anyone in my life.
Stop squirming!
Ugh!
No!
This is part
of the deal, isn't it?
The painting?
Just, just put it down.
Go to hell!
That would be a gift
compared to what will happen.
(canvas tears)
What have you done?
You...
(clock tolls)
(Linda gasps)
(growling)
(clock tolling)
(Linda gasps)
(growling)
(screaming)
(crickets chirping)
(clock ticking)
(camera shutter clicks)
How about this one?
Perfect!
Now, turn your head
a little bit.
(camera shutter clicks)
Excellent.
Perfect.
You look beautiful.
(giggling)
(chanting)
(clock tolls)
Now, I don't want
you to think
that I see all artists
as selfish and heartless,
I would never paint
in such broad strokes.
(laughs)
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry,
I couldn't resist.
You know what,
I'm not sorry, okay?
This my show tonight, folks.
But to placate you all,
my lovely listeners,
the phone lines
are indeed open,
and clearly you already
know the number.
Hello, caller,
you're on the air.
I wanna fuck you, Amos!
Well, while I certainly
appreciate the sentiment
of your comment,
I've no doubt
that the validity
of what you have to say
may be lost
on the FCC.
But what the hell?
It's our last night
on the air.
They can just put it
on my tab.
Are, are you still there?
Hello?
Yeah...
So, what can I do for you?
Uh, I thought you would
hang up on me.
I, uh...
(phone clicks)
Well, fair enough.
You know, my grandfather
was a man of few words himself,
although I never hope
to see him naked.
I appreciate you,
sweetheart.
Hello, next caller.
Amos Satan?
That's me,
what can I do for you?
Well, for starters,
you can start paying
your debts
like a grown man.
'Scuse me?
Don't you get
your mail, Amos?
Or should I call you Eric?
Listen, buddy,
this is neither
the time or the place
to drudge up
whatever it is
you're selling.
You can't hide.
Goodbye, dickweed.
For some people,
they can never have enough.
Their sense
of entitlement
will forever redefine
what "fair" means.
I'm not trying to get
political or anything,
I mean, whether you're
talking about a politician
or just simply a friend
who's grabbing
the last piece of bread
while you're waiting
for your entree,
it doesn't matter.
Everyone has
their own idea
of what fair means.
This story is
about two men
who draw a line
in the sand,
but as the waves
crash in,
that line begins
to erode.
Is blood really
thicker than water?
I know one thing
for sure,
someone is about
to get their fair scare.
Don't let the puns
stop you, folks,
it's a good one.
Crying,
tugging on my jersey,
pulling my tail,
puking on my shoes.
Yeah, it's a hard knock
life, Pokey.
Don't call me Pokey.
Nobody is ever gonna
call me Pokey again.
Yeah, whatever.
Good evening,
this is Ronnie Reynolds
with a news update.
Our Pilots
won the ballgame,
but it was the entire
team that lost
as a bandit robbed
the ticket booth
at gunpoint tonight.
Although exact totals
have not been released,
the armored car
was at the end
of a long circuit
and may have been carrying
upwards of $2 million.
More information...
That ain't right.
That bag was awful heavy.
You left a candle
burning in the window.
Did you get the money?
Of course!
They didn't even notice
me coming up on them.
Of course they didn't notice.
You aren't anybody.
The power switched off.
Don't worry about her.
I ain't the one
that gotta worry about her.
But could you two
keep it down a bit?
Relax.
There's no neighbors
for 15 miles.
Moons out, goons out.
You didn't think
we'd need three glasses?
I told you
this was foolproof.
It was even better
than foolproof.
Turns out that armored
truck that came
to pick up the gate
at the ballpark,
well it was the last haul
of a long day.
We ain't just got
a couple thousand in there.
I think we've got
a million.
That's a hell
of a three-way split.
Who said anything about
a three-way split?
Ole Pokey here did all
the shooting and the robbing,
and I drove
the getaway car
and was the brains
behind this operation,
but what exactly
did you do?
This is my
grandmother's old house.
A place where we can hide.
It can never be
traced to us.
And did you kill
your grandma
for this place?
No!
Then you ain't
done nothing.
We could've found the keys
to this place ourselves.
They're probably under
that concrete frog out front.
Do you have something
to say to your cousin?
What'd I tell you
about calling me Pokey?
Hey, your husband got
a little salty tonight.
Seems he gets a crawl
up his butt
about that mascot thing.
I thought that was
just to scare people.
Oh, it scared 'em all right.
A few bullet shots
to the chest
would scare the hell
out of anybody.
They didn't
take me serious.
Nobody takes you seriously.
You're the mascot.
Well, that's why
I had to pull the gun out.
Oh, Jesus.
That's why it was
foolproof.
They were unloading
the gate.
They never imagined
the mascot
would come up
on them.
But they laughed at me.
Again, mascot.
People are supposed
to laugh!
Well...
they ain't laughing now.
You know, I ain't had nothing
but my uncle's shine
out of these old
ball jars.
We had wine glasses.
We broke 'em
in a fight.
To wedded bliss then.
There's been
a change of plans.
See, since your husband
decided to go all O.K. Corral,
I probably won't
be leaving till the morning.
Let things
settle down a bit,
so if you could
just point me
to a guest room.
Upstairs.
Thank you.
Now, I'm a might
tired myself,
but your husband
might have some adrenaline
he needs to shake off
from all the gunplay.
If my Tommy John
surgery had took,
I'd be in the majors
right now
instead of being
the mascot.
But that's how it
went down.
And here we are.
Tommy John?
That sounds like a salon,
not an operation.
I mean, I was in Iraq
pulling shrapnel
out of my leg
from an IED
with a KA-BAR,
and you hurt yourself
throwing a ball.
Tommy John was only
in the top ten
of left handed pitchers
of all time is all.
And I'm sure when they run
the bottom ten of that list
your phone will
be ringing off the hook.
Now, half of that
is mine,
and the other half
is yours,
and whatever you do
with your half
ain't none of my concern.
So...
You gonna pour me a glass?
(crickets chirping)
(door creaks open)
Mitchell's asleep.
I didn't think
he sent you.
Two-way split?
I already got one
with your husband.
I'd say that seals
the deal then.
Hey!
There's a lot more skanks
like you in the world
than there are
bags of money.
And I stopped letting
little Robbie
make executive decisions
a long time ago.
Not since middle school.
You bastard.
I'm probably gonna
regret that.
You're looking
pretty down for a guy
that just
got a bag of money.
You're gonna be
gone in the morning,
so don't worry about it.
Maybe I'll see you
at Christmas.
Shit...
I'll still be
in Bangkok
watching the ping pong
shows at Christmas.
Look, uh...
Your marriage
ain't my business.
Damn straight.
But your wife
just came to me
talking about
a two-way split.
What are you
talking about?
I don't know if she means
to snitch you out or kill you,
but I ain't having
any part of it.
That's some bullshit.
Blood is blood, cousin.
It's the way
it's always been.
I remember when
you were in the hospital
getting your
operation done,
there was, uh,
some real Bull Durham shit
going on with your teammates,
except a lot more
spit roasting.
(dog barking)
We gotta do
something about Robbie.
I'm even less
afraid of a bat
than you throwing
a ball at me.
Did you ever have a hit
in the major leagues?
I can't say
major leagues, can I?
The stadium
that you robbed...
you bottomed out.
What was it?
Single A?
Triple A?
It was one of those
battery sizes.
Triple A.
Right below
the majors.
Right below
the majors.
(grip tightens)
(screams)
Mitchell?
Hey buddy.
(exhausted sigh)
Oh, shit fire
and pray to Jesus!
You could've just
strangled her.
You are so dramatic.
Man, she's got an ass
like a dump truck.
How come I never
noticed this before?
There's a river
a ways through the woods.
So, lift with your legs.
All right.
Oh, uh, you got a little
something on you.
Oh.
One, two...
(splash)
Burial at sea.
Bye.
Well, do you suppose
her grandma's
got anything stronger
than wine up at the place?
I just need some sleep.
You sure do,
you had a hard day.
Look, you take
the guest room.
I'll take the couch.
(water bubbles up)
No!
(door creaking)
(panicked breathing)
Ava?
(exhales)
(shrieks)
Robbie?
Robbie!
(door creaking)
No!
No!
(gunshot)
We forgot the bat.
I threw it in
with her.
Thank you.
Thank you for
looking out for me.
Blood is blood.
Blood is blood.
I would've split it
with you, cousin.
But I don't have to.
I mean, it was
just an accident.
What the hell?
Where's my money?
(gunshot)
All that cold hard cash,
what would be going
through your head?
I guess in Mitchell's case
it was a bullet.
But don't let
the gruesome death
or tawdry sex
distract you
from the moral
of the story.
Never get married.
Even if your mom
likes her.
Well, my friends,
I have to go take
a little breaky-poo
so I can go
sharpen my teeth,
that's code word
for use the bathroom.
So, please enjoy
this song
as I go see a man
about a horse,
but don't go anywhere,
'cause I'm only really
just getting started
right here
on Scarewaves.
(muffled music)
Just do the show, brother.
(flushes)
I'm ba-ack!
Did you miss me?
Of course you did,
because I'm your main man,
your guide into the dark,
the cult of personality
himself,
Amos Satan,
back to continue
this very special episode
of Scarewaves.
You know, you would think
that I've seen it all,
and that I've become
pretty desensitized
to all things
that go bump in the night,
but that isn't always
necessarily the case.
I actually spooked
myself a little bit
as I was walking
through the empty hallways
of the station
to make my way
to the little boys room.
A walk I've made
so many times
can feel so different
when there's just
something off.
Call it a feeling
in your guts, if you will,
and I will.
It seems to me that
people are the most on edge
when they're convinced
in the back of their minds
that someone or something
is coming for them.
Most of the time
this can be something
really simple like
a boss harping on you
over a deadline,
or a spouse demanding
that you make a decision
on whether or not
to trade in the Lexus.
But what if the thing
that was coming for you
wasn't something
you could avoid
just by hiding
in the bathroom
and listening to your iPod?
What if you were hiding
from yourself?
From the past?
Part of you?
Where could you go?
Where could you hide?
This is exactly
what the man
in my next story
had to figure out.
He too has a past
he's trying to hide from,
and a new job in a dark office
building, naturally.
Let's call this story
"Office Case."
Do you know why
you're here today,
Officer Easterly?
Yeah, it'd be kinda hard
not to know why.
The office
is very concerned
by this latest incident.
Now, my job here today
is simple:
I'm gonna lay out
the facts
as I have them
in the file,
then I'm gonna get
your story.
Do you have any questions
before we begin?
Yeah.
You have a cigarette?
I'm sorry,
there's no smoking
in this building,
Officer Easterly.
All those pesky
rules and regulations,
you know?
You have some kind
of problem with me, pal?
I'm just doing
my job, Easterly.
But then you know all about
that defense, don't you?
I was wondering
if you were gonna show up.
Had a flat tire.
I'm only three minutes late.
Have you had a tour
of the building yet?
Yeah, the HR girl
did one for me.
Great!
I've got places to be.
How often do you do
your walk-throughs?
I'm gonna have
to plead the fifth on that one.
So, what kind of issues
have they had around here?
Ah, your usual stuff.
Uh, kids who think
it's a thrill
to break in after hours,
very rare burglar,
and if you're lucky,
the occasional couple
who comes in
to get it on!
And your response
to that?
Focus adjust
on the security camera,
there's popcorn
in the vending machines.
Look, it's an easy gig.
You do your walk-throughs
as often
or as little as you like.
As long as nothing happens,
no one's gonna
check up on you.
So, why is it
so dark around here?
Ah, the building owners
are a couple
of those green nuts.
The lights automatically
turn off at 6pm every evening
except for the main hallway,
which doesn't turn off
till 11:30
unless someone's
working late.
We're working late.
I guess we're not someone.
What if there's
an emergency?
Well, maintenance
can turn the power on,
but they like having
that power,
and I think they enjoy
fucking with us.
What kind of weapon
do you use on duty?
Why?
Are you gonna
shoot maintenance?
Are you planning a coup?
Jesus, you're uptight.
I need to show you
where the lawyers
on the third floor
keep their pot.
Look, I don't carry one,
but if it makes you
feel better, you can.
It's BYOG around here.
All right, tough guy.
Here's your flashlight.
Here are your keys.
Try not to shoot anyone.
What's that supposed to mean?
I watch the news, okay?
All those scumbags you axed
deserved it.
Let's get
one thing straight.
I didn't axe anybody.
All I did was find myself
in situations
where I had to fire
my weapon at criminals
in the line of duty.
Look, man,
I'm not judging.
But if you shoot
anyone around here,
try not to make it
the lawyers
coming in for their stash.
Their buddies
will defend 'em
and they'll take you
for everything you got.
I want you to walk me
through the night one more time.
Step by step
starting from the moment
you received that call.
We have been through this
three times already.
This is bull
and you know it!
I would think someone
in your current position
would be a lot more
willing to cooperate.
I am willing
to cooperate
with the department.
What I am not willing to do
is sit here
while some little shit
plays games
trying to catch me
in a lie,
and is too fucking stupid
to realize
there is no lie!
You don't seem
to appreciate
your current position,
Officer Easterly.
Yeah, well I appreciate it
a lot more than you realize.
This isn't the first time
I've been here
because I had to do something
in the line of duty.
Yes.
You're pretty proud
of that reputation, aren't you?
Just as proud
as you are.
I built my reputation
fighting for what
I believed in,
not caring what anyone in this
department thought of me.
I fought for what
I believed was right,
and for the greater good.
What do you believe in,
Easterly?
Perfect.
(chuckles)
That little bastard
was right.
Dear dirtbag.
My apologies
for removing
your stash.
I'm just looking out
for the interests
of everybody
in the building.
I'll be watching you.
(chuckles)
(toilet flushes)
Let's see what those
defenders of the law
think about that.
Police, freeze!
I said freeze!
Get on the goddamn ground!
Don't move.
I said don't move.
I said don't--
(gunshot)
Hello?
Security.
Anybody here?
(water running)
What the hell is...
Links!
You goddamn
son of a bitch!
Is this you?
I'm not putting up
with any hazing bullshit!
Help!
Oh, I got you now.
Police, freeze!
You're not a cop anymore.
Help!
Shut up! Shut up!
All right, asshole,
let her go!
I said let her go!
Fuck you, pig!
Get down.
I said get down now!
Fuck off!
Don't move,
put it down!
Put it down!
Put it down, goddammit!
(gunshot)
(crickets chirping)
Fuck is maintenance up to?
Links, is this
your idea of a joke?
It's not too
goddamn funny.
If you're trying
to get yourself shot,
you're doing a good
job of it.
Oh, Links,
you motherfucker.
All right, punk,
put down the gun
and let him go.
Eat shit, pig.
Let me go,
just let me go.
Shut up,
I'm trying to think!
I said let him go.
Look, there's nowhere
for you to run,
nowhere to hide,
now just put down
the weapon
and let him go.
Fuck you!
No cop has ever done shit
for someone like me.
Fine.
Look, my backup
is on the way,
they'll be here
any minute.
Now, just put down the gun
and let him go.
Run, run!
Hey, man,
I guess you got me.
I guess I do.
(gunshots)
So...
What really happened
at that crack house, Easterly?
After all,
you're the only one
in any kind of condition
to tell me the whole story.
The scumbag fired at me.
I had no choice.
What about
the bystander?
She a scumbag, too?
Still living
regret free?
Shooting
that little girl
is the only thing
that I regret
from my career.
I don't think I'd feel
the same about shooting you.
Your badge
and gun, officer.
After all this time,
that's it?
You're kicking me out!
You disobeyed
a direct order.
And result was
a dead civilian.
You're damn lucky
you're not being charged.
I was just doing my duty.
Well, I see it differently.
Way I see it,
if you'd done your job,
that girl would
still be alive.
But you have
your whole life
to contemplate
that one, don't you?
This is Unit 23,
I am entering
the premises now.
10-4, Unit 23.
Proceed with caution.
Suspect is believed
to be armed
and extremely dangerous.
10-4, dispatch.
Goddamn cop killer.
Just great.
(gunshot)
Dispatch,
this is Unit 23.
Shots fired,
I repeat, shots fired.
I'm going after
the perp now.
Unit 23, advise you
hold your position
and wait for backup.
Negative, dispatch.
I am not letting
this son of a bitch
shoot another cop.
Easterly,
hold your position.
That's an order.
(gunshots)
Dispatch,
this is Unit 23.
Repeat, Unit 23,
perp is down.
I'm moving in
to investigate.
Dispatch,
this is Unit 23,
send the paramedics now.
Now, goddammit!
The hell?
Custodial.
Custodial!
Is there anybody
in this shit hole?
We're here with you,
officer.
Links.
Is that you,
you son of a bitch?
Look, I am tired
of this bullshit.
I'd like to know
how you're doing this.
Are you really
that foolish, officer?
Can't you tell
what's going on tonight?
You deserved it.
Each one of you
deserved it.
If you're trying
to torment me
with my regrets,
it isn't gonna work.
I'd shoot each
one of you again.
Did I deserve it,
officer?
I didn't mean it.
You killed me, officer.
You were supposed
to protect me.
I didn't mean it.
I'm sorry.
You wanna make it right?
How?
How?!
Hey, super cop,
have your had your dose
of serve and protect
for the night yet?
Come on, man,
don't tempt me
to go back home.
The sweet embrace
of my sweaty sheets beckons.
Oh, shit.
In the end,
he found himself
back in the nightmare,
but did he ever really
leave the nightmare
to begin with?
Ooh, I can hear
your silence.
Sorry, no quips
or puns here.
I'm not that
predictable, am I?
Nope.
I think to crack
a joke right here
would be an absolute cop out!
Ha, I win.
Ooh, we have a call.
I'm so sad to hear you go.
I know, my friend,
I know.
But there is often
a time to move on.
I'm sure you will get by
somehow without my show.
I'm not talking
about your show.
You've messed
with the wrong people.
Man, the prank callers
sure are out tonight.
Must be the full moon.
You can't hide.
Just like that crooked cop,
you're dead.
How dare you try
to threaten me.
I'm not afraid you.
Obviously, the only people
I'm afraid of
are the people who
know where I keep
my coffin when I sleep.
You know, endings
can be very hard,
but there is something
to be said
for having certainty.
Now, while I may not
love ending my program,
it is a kind of liberation.
I know that after tonight,
it is time to move on.
Wouldn't it be worse
to wait endlessly?
Uncertain of when
or how things would cease?
That is where
fear exists,
in the unknown.
What's gonna happen
to us in the next day?
A promotion at your job?
A new relationship?
A brain tumor?
Life is full
of those unknowns.
But that just leads me into
my final story of the night.
A young woman wants
more out of her life
than she's currently getting.
And she's relying
on her boyfriend
to take the final step.
But this will bring
into her a whole world
of uncertainty
where she will wonder,
is it worth the wait?
(phone vibrates)
It's about time!
You just can't stand
to be away from me,
can you baby?
Oh, you know
I can't stand it.
So, you ready?
Yeah, I got your
little present,
and we'll be all set
to give it to her,
but...
don't you think
it's a little...gruesome?
Don't think of it
as brutality.
Think of it as...
simplicity.
When?
Uh, soon, I promise.
Please don't make me
wait much longer.
I feel like
I'm going insane.
I'd never do that to us.
This is for us.
I just, I don't know
how much longer
I can stand this waiting.
I haven't gotten a real
night's sleep in weeks.
It has to be tonight, okay?
All good things
come to those who wait.
You know I hate clichs.
It'll be ours.
All ours.
All ours.
I love you.
I love you, too.
I'm so glad to see you.
You've been so busy
and I've just missed you.
I have something special
planned for you tonight.
Me too.
Come on!
Walking down the hallway and I
cannot seem to concentrate
Already hit the floor four
times during my dizzy state
Walk around today like I
haven't got a fucking clue
And I'm the one
who's fucked up
and I'm wondering
what's wrong with you
I think I'm losing
my mind
I think I'm losing
my mind
I think I'm losing
my mind
Once again
Hypocrite who hates
on hypocrites
I'm always first
to contradict
(music fades out)
Come on, tonight!
Get it done tonight!
(moaning)
What's the matter?
I'm pretty sure you
got yours, too, you know.
Oh, I did.
In spades.
Then what's wrong?
You're beautiful.
Thank you.
But you're trying
to change the subject.
Did you get it?
Of course I got it.
It's in a duffle bag
in the living room.
I figured you could
use that
to carry our loot.
Isn't that a little
barbaric?
Don't be childish.
I got it with cash
20 miles from home.
Everyone has one.
No one will
suspect a thing.
We could even just
throw it in a lake
or a river
after it's done.
It'll be long gone.
Never to be seen again.
Can't be that easy.
Why not?
I watch those
crime investigation shows.
No murder weapon,
no conviction.
Do you have
to use that word?
Look, you said it yourself.
You love me,
and I love you.
She's in the way.
She doesn't care
about you.
At least not the way I do.
No one could love you
the way I do.
She keeps her money
in a drawer
in the back
of her closet.
Nobody knows it's there.
She doesn't even
trust banks,
the dumb bitch.
Don't speak ill
of the dead.
Jesus.
I love you.
I love you, too.
We will be together.
Once she's gone.
Ah! Was it worth it!
(panicked breathing)
Nothing!
Goddammit!
(giggling)
(giggling)
(phone vibrates)
You all right?
Me? Oh yeah, I'm just stretching
it out, you know?
I heard your cell phone
go off.
You know,
you're pretty popular tonight.
No, not really.
Come on.
There's been more
buzzing in your pants
than in a nun's sex life.
(giggling)
You're sick.
Well, that's why
you love me.
Yeah, I guess so.
Are you all right?
I'm fine.
You're acting
a little off.
No, not really.
You know, try to relax.
Here, you want
the remote?
(giggling)
(phone vibrating)
Soon?
That's it?
Is this even
gonna happen today?
Oh, I've gotta
get a grip.
We're gonna be fine.
We'll be fine.
(phone vibrates)
Oh, what was that?
You okay?
Yeah, this movie's...
it's wild.
You're awfully
jumpy tonight.
I guess so.
Do you want something,
like some soup or popcorn?
Maybe a drink?
No, I'm all right, okay?
All right, well,
just cool your jets.
Yeah?
Are you okay?
I thought you were being
a little weird yourself.
Yeah, well...I'm tired.
Oh.
I guess I thought
that we were gonna watch
a midnight movie tonight.
That's what I thought
was gonna happen.
Yeah, well,
I changed my mind.
This is gonna
take forever.
Ugh, Jesus Christ.
Jesus Christ!
This is just like him.
Just like him.
He promises so much.
Does he ever follow through?
Why should he?
He's got two women
in his pocket.
Ugh!
I must look like
such an idiot.
I love him so much!
(heavy breathing)
He loves me.
I know he does.
He really loves me.
Baby, I finally did it.
It was worth the wait, I...
Tara?
(screams)
Nothing?
Are you kidding me?!
Work with me!
Goddammit!
Goddammit.
(knocking)
(knocking)
Was it worth it, Tara?
Hello?
Was it worth it?
Who's ever out there...
you better get the hell out!
I got a .44 Magnum
and I'm not afraid to use it!
That is if my
cop boyfriend
doesn't come out first!
(crickets chirping)
(panicked breathing)
Maybe I'm not
cut out for this.
(muffled gurgling)
Maybe I'm just hungry.
I'm just seeing things.
I gotta get
a grip on myself.
Are your eggs tainted?
An epidemic that's
sweeping the nation
tonight at 10 o'clock.
(phone vibrates)
"I'm sorry"?
What the fuck
does that even mean?
Just do the deed!
Just bash her
in her skull!
This is taking weeks!
He's taking the money.
He's taking the money.
He has more than enough
evidence on me.
He can prove
I bought the hammer.
He hated her!
That bastard!
You can't do this to me!
You're not bringing
me down, lover boy.
I'm not some
stupid bimbo!
(door cracks)
Was it worth it, Tara?
Was it?
I didn't do it!
I didn't kill you!
I'm sorry!
Was it worth the wait?
Was it?
I didn't do anything!
Was it worth the wait?
I didn't kill you,
it was his idea!
I just went along with it!
Was it worth the wait?
I'm sorry!
(thump)
(car door opens)
(door squeaks)
Tara?
I'm so sorry.
I just couldn't do it.
But...we could still
be together.
I mean, I broke up
with her tonight.
(screaming)
All right.
Time's up, deadbeat.
You know, maybe patience
isn't a virtue after all.
But let's not let
the moral of the story slide by.
Always kill
your girlfriend.
Well, I hope you have
all enjoyed
this final night
delving into
what scares us
most of all:
the unknown.
As I prepare to make
my own voyage
into the ambiguity
all around us,
I just wanna say
that I appreciate you
lending me your ears
and your minds.
Like I promised all along,
I've given them
back to you,
but with one small
piece of advice attached:
don't spend your time
fearing the undiscovered,
for life is far
too short for most.
Simply respect it
for what it is,
and sail onwards
aboard the big ocean
we call life.
I'm Amos Satan,
your favorite fiend,
signing off.
Ahoy, my friends,
and good night.
(deep exhale)
I'm sorry,
but the show's over,
I've gotta pack up.
You're not
going anywhere.
I don't understand.
You owe people money.
If you don't have
the cash,
there are other ways
for you to pay.
Why don't you just
turn around
and walk away, okay?
We'll leave it at that.
You know,
I'm a fan of yours, actually.
I listen to your show
pretty often.
Tonight's episode
might be my favorite.
But I realized something.
You don't listen
to your own stories.
'Cause everyone that lies,
cheats, and steals
gets their comeuppance.
I guess tonight
really is your last night.
Well, there's one thing
you forgot about my stories...
What's that?
It always ends
with a twist.
(screams)
(gunshot)
Hearing something creepy
coming through
my radio
A late night broadcast
of Amos Satan's
horror show
Tales of terror,
some you won't believe
Late night is paranormal,
he's got what I need
Blood
Deceit
Revenge
Complete
Horror
Lies
Wicked stories
in your ears
all fall
before your very eyes
Scarewaves
Scarewaves
Scarewaves
Hellish tales
of crime and woe
Scarewaves
Scarewaves
Scarewaves
Coming through
my radio
A ghoulish facade
is over on my radio
It's got me hooked on
Amos Satan's scream show
Tales so dreadful
they make my skin crawl
But I can't just
sit down
I gotta listen
to them all go
Deceit
Revenge
Complete
Horror
Lies
Wicked stories
Satan has
are falling before
your very eyes
Scarewaves
Scarewaves
Scarewaves
Hellish tales
of crime and woe
Scarewaves
Scarewaves
Scarewaves
Coming through
my radio