Scary Movie (2026) Movie Script
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hey girl, want some brown liquor?
Brown liquor don't make this pussy bad.
Tequila it is.
Here you go.
Viva la river Luciana!
Now that shit right there make your pussy pop on it.
Here, stay.
So what are you doing here anyway?
What do you think I'm doing here?
I'm starting to open it safely.
Been there, done that.
Pick up the phone!
Pick up the phone!
Pick up the phone!
Pick up the phone!
Richie?
Pick up the phone!
Pick up the phone!
Pick up the phone!
Pick up the phone!
Pick up the phone!
Pick up the phone!
Richie?
Tiana, hey.
I thought it'd be easier for the audience if they didn't have to read more texts.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Cause you know these motherfuckers can't read.
I know.
Who goes to see your wedding's brother's phone?
Well, it's nice to phone me here in this super awkward way.
Likewise, but I've gotta be honest when I see your profile paper bitch almost swipe left
because you look mad goofy.
But surprisingly, you know those goofy niggas got a big dick.
So, here we are.
I'll take you for a Jersey girl.
A Jersey girl?
Listen, I love jerseys down.
But I'm a Harlem girl.
Born and motherfucking rage.
Real niggas only.
Yeah.
Oh, so you're black.
No motherfuckers!
I'm black!
All cats!
No cats!
But cats!
Fuck all y'all!
Bitch spit them pearls back out!
Like, want your shit?
Hello?
So tell me, what's your favorite scary movie?
Mmmmm, I don't really do them.
You know, all the super tropes and shit.
Why is it always the white bitch at the end?
Cause they know it's too hard to kill a sister.
You know what I'm saying?
Cause if the sister can survive government cheese, we can survive anything.
You know, it might help if you met me outside.
Met you outside?
Boy, you just needy.
What's your sign?
You must be a Scorpio.
How'd you know?
Good a dick though.
The toxic is here.
Hey, is the restaurant here in the alley?
Yes, hurry.
Before they rob your ass.
Rob it?
Ah!
Not today.
She's a bitch.
Heard you all.
Okay, I'm coming down the alley now.
I'm here.
Can you see me?
I'm waving.
No.
The person I'm looking at is not waving.
In fact, they're just staring at me.
Who's staring his ass back?
And don't blink.
Never blink.
They're like, what?
No, they're walking towards me now.
Oh no, they have a knife.
Why don't we eat his ass over here?
And that's not the worst part.
The worst part is, you know so much about horror movies, and yet you still walk into the alley
alone.
The worst part is, you fucking with a New York bitch.
Coo-coo!
Yes!
Coo-coo!
Go on!
Coo-coo!
Coo-coo!
Coo-coo!
Man.
He wants an Avenger shit.
Coo-coo.
Damn, keep on some Avenger shit.
Seriously, laden?
I didn't recognize a bird call, but I thought you was going to Warburg.
That's a pigeon, nigga.
It's supposed to be a hawk swooping in the attack.
Mother, are you done?
What the hell?
Bitch, I'm Tiana Taylor. My abs got abs.
Get him!
Come on, guys. We don't want this out.
Somebody help me!
No, no, no, no!
Now, get your whore-headed ass off!
Welcome to you, you old sucker!
Hey, Tiana. You might have kicked my ass, but you still didn't win that Oscar.
What'd you say about my Oscar?
Did I stutter? You lost!
You're right. But I want that golden globe, bitch.
Oh my god, really?
See, that's why I never watched horror movies. It's fucking terrible.
Just a bunch of celebrity cameos and fart gags.
So, you don't like parodies?
I'm more into Judd Apatow films. You know, elevated comedy.
And what is elevated comedy?
The kind that doesn't actually make anyone laugh, but makes white people feel smart.
Tuesday? Don't answer that.
Could be Ghostface.
Oh, come on, Elle.
Stuff like that only happens in the movies.
Oh, hey. I wasn't expecting you to answer the door, huh?
What the fuck?
Now, where's my knife?
Up there.
Hello.
Tuesday.
Hi, man.
What'd you say?
Hey.
Hey, man.
What'd you take?
Just Ritalin for my ADHD.
Adderall for PTSD.
A couple of Xanax for my anxiety.
And your voter pills.
So good luck getting it up now.
Jesus, Sarah, how many did you take?
I don't know. How many come in a bottle?
Hey, Jeff.
Sarah, Tuesday's in the hospital.
She was stabbed by a killer.
You know, ghost face.
Wait, from Rotten?
Why would ghost face kill her?
A.k.a. Pretty Tony.
A.k.a. Starkula when I stabbed my sister.
God, Sarah, it wasn't ghost face killer.
It was somebody in a ghost face mask.
Ah.
Okay, that makes more sense.
I ate the wand!
Ah, Jesus, Jack!
What?
I was thinking about wearing this for Halloween.
My estranged flat-tested half-sister was nearly killed by a snake.
I was nearly killed by a psycho and a ghost mask.
I gotta go see her.
Can't make up for the past.
Well, hey, hey, hey.
I'm going with you.
Not because I'm the obvious killer trying to lure you back to your hometown.
I'm just a supportive boyfriend.
Yeah.
That's all.
Okay, let's go.
Get in the car.
Listen, we just have to make one stop on the way.
I survived.
All thanks to my lucky penny.
Hey, we're not winning.
Come give me up.
Hey, we're not winning.
Come give me up.
Mom, come on, turn off this ratchet-ass music.
I wanna have my ATV, make her say, uh, I got masterpiece.
Don't eat South Mickey, that's masterpiece.
I don't wanna be in no sausage fest.
Where my ladies at, throw it east to west.
Pow, wow, wow, wow, I'm impressed.
Moody up, down, up, down.
Hey, we love me.
Come give me up.
Mom, come on, turn off this ratchet-ass music.
It's embarrassing, especially for black women.
It's not embarrassing, I'm the cool mom, everybody wished they had, I'm lit.
Don't forget, I got practice later, so I'll be home late.
You only made the team because you're black, and those racist fucks assumed you could play.
It's 2026, I don't think race is an issue.
Do you read black Twitter?
No.
Oh, Fred, are you still dating that hoe?
Okay, stop hoe shaming her, Pepper.
Just because Daryl and them ride a train on her doesn't make her a hoe.
She's not a hoe, she's sex positive.
Well, I'm positive, she's a hoe.
Hey girl, look at you.
Early for Halloween, huh?
What you this shit?
Bloody school, girl.
How are we home?
Hi, Miss Meeks.
Love the hair.
I mean, I'll take it, Spencer.
Well, thank you very much.
I gotta invite you over and make you a little shit pack.
Ooh, you know what?
I gotta get to African American history class.
We're learning about slavery.
I'm trying to find out.
It was a choice.
You see that right there?
That's Kanye.
That's right.
They've been teaching us wrong all this time.
Mm-hmm.
Stay black.
Bye, Mom.
All right.
Bye, baby.
Bye.
Son, I put some condoms in your bag.
You know how they trying to trap y'all?
Mom.
Okay.
Seriously?
Sheriff Greg, you don't have to walk me to class.
I'm fine.
Jess, there's a serial killer on the loose.
I'm not gonna let anything happen to my baby girl.
Boy, okay?
I'm a baby boy.
I'm sorry.
I'm just having a hard time with this transition.
Okay, it's really simple.
Treat me like one of the guys.
Okay?
I can do that?
Yeah.
Slap bite.
Oh.
You call that a slap?
Who the hell did you do that for?
Why am I such a bitch?
Bitch.
Bitch.
Yeah, not bad.
Who the hell lives like this?
Oh, honey.
It is so good to see you.
Come in.
Do you want some tea?
Oh my god, mother.
You look like shit.
Hey, please.
This is clearly a woman who's run out of condition.
Oh, be careful where you walk.
The whole place is booby trapped.
You never know when that cycle's gonna come back.
Come in.
Okay.
I hate this job.
Mrs. Campbell.
I'm Jack, Sarah's boyfriend.
I've heard so much about you.
Uh, none of it could.
I have heard nothing about you, Jack.
I assume you're a piece of shit.
But how would I know when I haven't heard from my daughter in what?
Six months?
Six years, mother.
And whose fault is that?
And whose fault is that?
And whose fault is that?
And whose fault is that?
I don't know.
Maybe it's yours.
That's fair.
We want to learn from the horror you survived.
Look.
Scary movie three and four paid me a lot of money for a girl.
There is nothing to learn there.
But if you want to talk about the house bunny, shoot.
It's happening again.
Some asshole in a mask.
We have to stop him.
You're not ready, love bug.
I have been preparing for this for years.
Sacrificing and a mask.
And who's fault is that?
And who's fault is that?
I don't know.
Maybe it's yours.
I don't know.
And who's fault is that?
I don't know.
Maybe it's yours.
That's fair.
We want to learn from the horror you survived.
Look.
Scary movie three and four paid me a lot of money for a girl.
There is nothing to learn there.
But if you want to talk about the house bunny, shoot.
It's happening again.
Some asshole in a mask.
We have to stop him.
You're not ready, love bug.
I have been preparing for this for years.
Sacrificed everything.
You are a terrible mother.
Come on, honey.
We have some good times.
Like that Christmas I took you to meet Santa at the mall.
Your turn, Sarah.
Move.
Hi, Santa.
Sorry if I don't sit in your lap.
You creep me out.
Mom!
Santa gives me a separate heart.
Be sure to thank him.
I am sorry if that's how you found out Santa doesn't exist.
Mother, I need your help.
To heal her emotional wounds and put the past behind her?
Oh, God, no.
No, to kill ghost face.
Do you have any guns?
I am Cindy fucking Campbell.
I've got millions of guns.
But, um, none of them are registered due to my mental health issues.
So, if you could just keep that on the low.
Okay.
Oh, yeah, I'm gonna be fine.
I didn't hurt myself on any of these fights.
Oh, hey.
So, I spoke to Sarah earlier.
Oh, is she coming?
You know I did hear a buzzing sound.
So is possible.
No, I meant to Woodsville.
Dumbass.
Oh, yeah, I forgot to ask.
Hey, Jimbo!
Go deep!
Oh!
Sweet!
Speaking of going deep.
Uh, I don't know if it's a good time.
Everyone knows what happens to teenagers to try to make a joke.
When there's a killer on the loose.
Brad's right about one thing, guys.
Okay, ghost face his back.
We need to arm up.
Pepper spray?
Check.
Taser?
Check.
Butt plug?
Double chuck.
God damn!
You just carry that thing around?
It's easy to hide.
In your butt?
I'm impressed.
I'm impressed.
Thank you.
I'm impressed.
I'm impressed.
Good.
Good.
Good.
Good.
Good.
Good.
Good.
Good.
Okay, ghost face his back.
We need to arm up.
Pepper spray?
Check.
Taser?
Check.
Butt plug?
Double chuck.
God damn!
You just carry that thing around?
It's easy to hide.
In your butt?
I'm impressed.
I'm impressed.
What's up, y'all?
I'm back!
Hey, what's up, unk?
Unk!
I'm tired of you little Gen Z alpha niggas using terms like unk and auntie.
Gaslighting and blazing and glamping.
Trying to make my generation sound old.
I ain't your damn unk, nigga!
Shorty, you're our mother's brother.
So, yeah, technically you are our uncle.
Unk.
My bad.
Yeah!
It's crazy that they let you teach here.
Teach?
Nah, nigga.
I attend.
You're looking at a proud 25th year senior.
When are you finally gonna graduate?
By the time we do a sequel and I gotta follow you little young niggas to college to get my check.
Wait, guys, Tuesday's awake.
Alright!
Tuesday!
Who the fuck is Tuesday?
We gotta go to the hospital.
Are you gonna take the bus home?
Nah.
The PJ.
Private Jen?
Yeah.
Jealous?
You smoke weed all day.
Just play video games, live stream.
You literally got money doing nothing.
Exactly.
I leave the hard work for the old head.
Ha!
Jesus!
Ha!
Still the fame shortage.
Alright.
Check my cryptos.
Oh, shit, I'm up three million dollars!
Ha!
Damn, now I'm down five million.
This shit, we're crazy, son.
The moon.
The moon.
Yes.
Come on.
Come on.
I'm up one.
All right.
I'm up one.
I'm up one.
I'm up one.
I'm up one.
I'm up one.
Ray!
Sister Brenda, it's okay.
You heard the call of sin, yes you did.
But the Lord has called on us to show men such like you the way.
Come on son, come with us, come on us.
God see you coming, so don't cheat that girl.
We need you to come like you never came before.
Come for the Father, come for the Son.
I'm gonna hold your hand and we're gonna come together.
Hey man, let it go.
In the name of God, let it go Ray, let it go.
Nigga!
Oh, my bad.
Last time.
Let's welcome a new member to our congregation.
That'll be my field.
I'm not gay no more.
I'm not gay no more.
I'm gay no more.
I'm gay no more.
I'm gay no more.
I'm gay no more.
I'm gay no more.
I'll no longer dig a man.
Even if he sets his hair with a big ol' chest as his and perky areolas.
I'll no longer carry a purse, put on makeup, walk around in high heels.
Red rubs, the one with the cute little buckle on the side.
It's just my shoes.
I no longer go on blinders and swipe right at black men.
Hmm?
White men, Asian men.
You wanna grab it?
I no longer take trips to the Philippines looking for ladyboys to Phuket.
Phuket called the movie back to Phuket, then to Vietnam to see if I can get them any cheaper.
I thought that was my anniversary, right?
Oh, this nigga got a lot of mouths.
I no longer stand white naked in the mirror with my penis tucked between my legs.
Dancing like a dude from Silence of the Lambs.
They put some lotion in the basket, precious.
I'm a changed man.
I've been delivered.
I will.
I said I will.
I will.
No.
A woman.
Huh?
Woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman.
Woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman
Oh my god, her face!
Are you fucking dorted? Oh my god, in the morning!
I'm trying to get help for an hour.
How are you feeling, sweetie?
Hey, what have I given you for the pain? Is that...is that Morgane?
Or...
Bitches!
Yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, is that good, good?
This that Britney Spears shit makes me wanna get half-naked, dance around and juggle some knives.
Sarah, who's that Jeffrey Dahmer look-alike?
This is my boyfriend, Jack.
Really nice to meet you.
Looks like Ted Bundy to me, but that ain't none of my business.
This little stabbed-up bitch here needs some rest.
So y'all, get the fuck out!
Yes, ma'am.
Oh, not you, Sarah.
Why? What did I do?
I'm so scared.
Oh, Toos.
You should be.
You've been stabbed nine times.
And the killer knows where you live.
I would invite you to come stay at my place, but I don't really want that kind of teacher in my house.
For all we know, he's standing right outside that door.
It's comforting, Sarah.
I thought I was gonna die.
I know, me too.
I planned your funeral.
What the hell?
And I wrote your obituary.
More like Chachi T wrote it.
But you're still here.
And I will never let anyone hurt you.
Oh, dumb!
I'm shit!
Get off me!
Help!
This white girl can't die on my ship!
I'm a DEI hire!
Oh my god, oh my god!
He's lying a second ago!
No, no, no!
Get!
Get!
Clear!
Again!
Come on, my bitch!
I need this job!
Clear!
It's not working!
Oh, I win, Luna!
Fire!
Oh boy.
Looks like there ain't nothing left with forts, prayers, and pork rinds.
Dear lord.
You're threatened!
Check out the wire!
The wire was the shit, baby!
That's my show, Throg, and that Idris Alba.
Make this coochie wanna pop, pop, pop!
Dear lord.
Please, accept this white bitchin'
Oh!
The lord works in mysterious ways.
I'm goin' on break.
Oh, truth.
I will never let anyone hurt you.
Again.
Ooh!
My bad!
Hello?
Hello, Sarah.
Who is this?
Someone who knows your little secret.
No, no, no!
I swear that wasn't a Nazi salute!
Okay?
I won prom queen!
And I was throwing my heart to the crowd!
No!
I'm talking about a Nazi salute!
Okay?
I won prom queen!
And I was throwing my heart to the crowd!
No!
I'm talking about a Nazi salute!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
I'm talking about your family secret!
Oh, you're the fuck who hurt my sister!
Well, I had to get you to come back here.
Listen, if you were to fuck with me, asshole, then come and get me!
With pleasure!
Help!
Somebody help!
Please, somebody help!
I've been saving people all day!
So you handle yours, I'll be right or here eating my falafel and my pork.
I've been saving people all day!
I'll be right or here eating my falafel and my pork rind!
I look like your momma!
I'll be right or here eating my falafel and my pork rind!
I look like your momma!
Uh-huh!
I am now!
Breaks over!
Now!
Yeah!
I am now!
Yeah!
Yeah!
I'm now!
Fast!
We're going to be right to me!
I'm not leaving my dog!
What?
You're right!
Keep it down!
I'm not leaving me!
Come on!
I'm not leaving you!
I'm eating my falafel and my pork rind.
I look like your mama.
Time now breaks over.
You're welcome.
It really looks like you got hit with something hard, like metal.
I told you I fell.
Now where exactly are we going?
To talk to an expert.
Owen!
I'm so sorry to bother you.
We just want to ask you a few questions.
Jimmy, what day is why I should talk to you?
I'm white.
How white?
I'm talking to Candace Owens' white.
Oh!
Fix it!
When you said expert, I assumed you're not more like Neil deGrasse Tyson.
I'm Sarah Campbell.
I was attacked last night.
I think you should leave.
I don't want to get stabbed.
And I don't like COVID, okay?
Please, come on.
Just two minutes.
That's all I'm asking.
No, no.
I'll give you eight minutes.
And another thing.
Oh!
Oh!
I can test you to go.
Oh my gosh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
You guys are good.
When did the work week become the woke week?
We've got Black Friday.
What's next?
Mulatto Monday?
I mean, Yellow Thursday?
Come on.
Come on.
We can test.
I'm away.
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Yes, you're done.
Yep.
You're good.
You're Cindy's daughter, right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't know him.
Oh, this is Jack.
My love interest.
No.
No, no, no.
Rule number one of surviving a horror movie is never trust the love interest.
Look at him.
He's got that weird lazy eye poking one way and he's drooling like a psychopath.
He's got that stump leg.
Makes him all walk weird and creepy.
I don't have a stump.
But that guy does.
Oh.
Don't look at me.
Just off your duty.
Retired.
Listen, Doofy.
We could really use your help.
Yeah.
I can't go back to that life.
Plus, we're in the middle of a global pandemic.
Okay.
I hate to break it to you, but COVID has been over for like years.
Really?
Yeah.
Damn it!
What am I going to do with all this damn meat?
Get out.
I don't want Joe State to find you.
And don't come back.
I don't want Joe the new seeker here.
What?
Shit.
Married me?
They're joined me.
Okay just because he showered doesn't mean that yeah yeah I just take water from my mouth
no that's okay okay yeah do it Sarah is your ghetto ass mom coming or can we start talking
about this plot uh hi you came not in like 15 years honey but I did buy this new rose so fingers crossed
oh oh oh my old friend you taught me how to dance how to make a high and work pie
nigga I'm writing back to you what's up Sandy how you doing my nigga I can't believe you thought I was
dead well between cancer from the weed smoke your love of the McRib and racist cops I didn't think
you had a chance yeah that's a terrible coming hi Sam stop smiling at me
oh shit world star world star world star hey he's intellectually disabled that's just how he
looks you drunk honky hey hey hey who call that white bitch a honky come on have some respect
I keep seeing people smiling everywhere I'm not very likable so it must be some kind of curse
hey everybody look what I got non-branded gelatin shop made with great alcohol and GHB so ain't nobody
sipping that name consent to me like last time which I apologize say one I love room being myself
no you sure baby hi Brenda please do not call me by my government name call me mom
you dropped the tready oh my god Sandy I haven't seen you in forever oh my god look at you look the same
mine is the crow's feet and your hair is so dry oh and your titties dropped so far other than that you look the exact same
what have you been up to oh you know neglecting my children so I can prepare to kill ghost fish
should he ever return what about you well I've been mostly just getting half school kids drunk
and a desperate attempt to stay young and keep my kids at home I always knew you'd be a great mom
oh baby should we hug oh I really want to but I'm a republican now so I'm supposed to be racist
oh girl I think all white people are racist anyway come here okay
you know mom this place could be so cool if you had like a beer pong table over there maybe like a snack wall
what you know about cool when I was your age I was popping bottles with puffy
puff daddy p-ditty diddy all the shorts
that ain't as well your mama was the freak in the freak off
you want to see something cool
I'm gonna show you something cool
oh my god that's cool
what are you doing?
what?
no not like that
oh my god
yeah
I don't know why y'all acting so scared the gun ain't even loaded
oh shit
oh shit son
uh oh I did it again
I always get that last one in the chamber
help me move the fire
yeah you got it
yeah you got it
that was fun
oh what did you do next to this?
I wanted to go with coffee
oh I love coffee
you know what I used to put cocaine in my hoo-ha in the family all the time
alright let's get back to the plot
I'm looking at you Ted Bundy eyes
looking like a school shooter
I think you the killer
oh me?
mhm
okay what about deputy doofy over there?
I don't have a motive
you know what's my motive?
you were the killer in the first movie
shouldn't you be looked up?
no I got pardoned
mostly because of the storming the capital you know
oh
I got proof
it's me
oh
in Spain
that's a cool hit
what about Jess?
what about me?
if anybody here has issues that could lead to murder
okay
strengthen the dick part
hey you don't know what I got down here okay?
I do
hey hey
listen what we know so far
is everyone who's been attacked
is related to the original characters
he wants to kill the king
aha
he's making a reboot-a-quote
a what now?
yup it's like a reboot in a sequel
mixing legacy characters with new characters
in an attempt to feed into bullshit nostalgia
and bring more fans to the theaters
just like last year's I Know What You Did Last Summer
that's a movie?
what did I do last summer?
I think you're talking about the summer I turned pretty
yeah
Ray!
when did you get here?
oh I've been here I was just hanging out by the men's room
what?
oh
mom
okay so that means that our killer is writing his own version of horror movie
okay so according to the reboot-a-call rules
who's the killer?
I think it's pretty obvious
who?
you bitch
me?
guys I am not the killer
ghostface attacked twos to lure me back here
I think he attacked twos Dave to get you back here
so he can get me back here
he wants to kill the OGs
that was a flex
yeah that sounds better
fuck it
and fuck you
mother
who?
to your mother?
hey
don't be so disrespectful
and call me mom
or mommy
or whatever is more comfortable
talk to me
hello Sheriff
Agent Underwood?
I'll give you one hint
what's your favorite scary movie?
well I'm gonna go with salt burn
I mean the member on that English guy was terrible
I'm gonna go with salt burn
I mean the member on that English guy was terrible
I'm gonna go with salt burn
I mean the member on that English guy was terrifying
and Ken Jeong's junk in the hangover was a much better depiction of the male in the
and that's what do you want, fuck face?
dead
well I'm gonna go with salt burn
I mean the member on that English guy was terrifying
and Ken Jeong's junk in the hangover was a much better depiction of the male anatomy
and what do you want fuck face?
Well, I'm just calling to tell you that by the time you get home, I'll have gutted your baby girl.
Hey, asshole. She's a boy!
Looking for this? Let me help you. I got your baby dick. Winky, winky, winky, winky.
Alright, here we go. What do you want, fuckface?
Like father, like son. I understand you're home alone.
Dad's out, but the pool guy, the gardener, and the plumber are all here, asshole.
Look out your window.
No, but they're the backbone of the American workforce. And I'm too white to do those jobs.
Let's cut to the chase. I'll ask you one question. If you answer correctly, you live. Who was the killer in horror movie?
Oh, that was easy. It was Bobby and then Kay Ray, the guy who was totally into dudes, even though he claimed he wasn't. Classic 2000s homophobia. But I got you, bitch.
What's wrong? You forgot Special Officer Doofy. Now you die.
Oh my God!
You should probably answer that.
I can literally see you trying to steal my package.
Ow, shit!
That was easy.
Uh, someone to wear snakes. Let's go, Puff.
Wait a sec.
Careful! You wouldn't want to fight any killer.
You are the power to identify as dead!
You...
Stand like...
...a girl.
Come on, girls!
It's a new space shuttle for the most famous killer collection bundles.
This is Kiki West for OnlyFans Rapid News.
Rapid News!
You mean BAPID News!
You don't even have a cameraman!
My equipment!
Excuse me.
Oh my.
You're...
Yes, yes.
Three-time Emmy nominee for Outstanding Achievement and Sensational Reporting.
I was gonna say the lady from Friends, but shorter, plus Botox.
Oh.
Is that what you were gonna say?
Yeah.
You seriously don't know who I am?
Baby girl, I am...
Gail smaller!
Hey.
Hailstorm.
Gail, hail...
Get the hell out of my way!
Dufus?
Hey.
Gail.
You have an extra tag.
You've aged like a million days.
That fish made me cry.
Yeah, your fingers smell like genitals.
What are you doing in that ridiculous uniform?
I'm back on the case.
Yeah, I'm gonna bust a ghost face.
Well, um...
Tell me, Special Needs Officer Doofy.
Ugh.
Um...
Wow.
Are there any suspects in this tragic, yet completely predictable incident?
I hope you're not allowed to say.
No.
No.
No.
No.
Yes, you can.
Yes, you can.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Hey.
Remember when you used to give blowjobs for sensitive information?
I don't give blowjobs anymore, okay?
Not since me, too.
Oh.
Okay.
Sorry.
I give handjobs now, but the story better be good.
Okay, I'll do a handjob.
Let's do it.
Let's do it.
Let's do it.
Shh.
Shh.
Shh.
Shh.
Shh.
Shh.
Shh.
What the...
I'm gonna get you.
Uncle Ray, he's gonna get you.
Ray?
You got my outfit, you little critter.
Maybe weed shouldn't be legal.
Fuck yeah, it should've.
Hello, shorty.
You do know that smoking isn't bad for you.
Actually, weed ain't bad for you.
You got vitamin T, C, and C, and C, and C.
What's the matter, shorty?
You look a little antsy.
Maybe because there's a masked serial killer sipping tea in my den.
Shorty.
You're my nigga.
I mean, friend.
Please.
Sing.
All right.
Do you want to quit smoking?
Do you want to quit smoking?
Do you want to quit smoking?
I'm T, C, and H, C, B, and D.
What's the matter, shorty? You look a little antsy.
Maybe because there's a masked serial killer sipping tea in my den.
Shorty, you're my nigger. I mean, friend. Please, sit.
Alrighty.
Do you want to quit smoking?
Well, to be honest, I tried to quit, but my mother said I ain't raising no quitters.
So I quit quitting.
We can try hypnosis.
Bro, I don't care how many pocket watches you try and wave in front of my face.
It ain't gonna work, son. You can't magnetize me.
Sleep.
Shorty.
What's up?
Tell me about your mother.
Damn, nigga. Let's start with something light.
Like, do you lick ass? Yes or no?
The answer's yes.
So what happened to her, shorty?
It's coming home.
A car was parked on the side of the road.
Someone was in it.
And something bad was happening.
Why did you call anyone?
I couldn't.
I had warrants.
You were eleven.
I started young, nigga.
Oh.
What do you see?
I see a big explosion of water.
Feels like a civil rights hose.
Police said it was a murder or suicide.
Police said it was a murder-suicide.
She killed that man.
When they opened the car door, his little body just slid out.
Like the green nigga in the shape of water.
I just didn't want it to be real.
What don't you want to be real?
That my mother was a squirter!
Okay, she was a squirter.
All the floors in her bedroom was warped.
I can't move.
You're paralyzed now.
Sink into the chair.
No, wait!
Sink!
Oh!
It's gone!
I'm in a chaos!
Sink!
No.
You're in a K-pop hole.
Don't get stuck!
No, I'm in a chair.
Oh!
Oh my god!
I missed the ball.
Now I'm so lonely.
Drown away.
It's feeding me.
Yeah!
You're about to be afraid.
We don't wanna have it, up, up.
Gonna be smoking.
We are about to be talking.
Gonna be gonna be smoking.
Oh, up, up, up.
Gonna be smoking.
Gonna be gonna be smoking.
Gonna be gonna be smoking.
Oh, that dream was wild.
That must've been Elon Musk high.
Mochujashima?
Tuesday?
Tuesday?
Bobby?
Bobby, what the...
She's gonna die.
Our daughter, Sarah? You're probably right.
She's tough, but let's see her get stabbed in the cut.
I'm gonna die.
Bobby, you're already dead.
This hallucination is a manifestation of my own guilt for being an awful mom.
Or it could be the shrooms I just popped.
You're gonna die!
Bitch! You ain't killing me!
You're gonna die.
Stop smiling!
I can't. Boontox.
Hey!
This is the mental ward.
Everyone smiles in here.
What? Oh.
Um, could you point me in the direction of the ICU?
Is it that way or that way?
Uh, visiting hours are over.
Yes, of course.
The network wants me to clarify that Black Friday has nothing to do with race.
Well, just tell that to my black friend, Benita,
who's probably clocking someone over the head of Target as we speak.
Right, Benita?
Come on!
Man, you ain't Micah.
Micah got that Jerry Curl.
What is that, son?
Is that shellac?
See, people think it's shellac, but it's actually sharpie.
All your hair look like Bond do.
It's dirty.
Micah's got a monkey.
I got a llama.
Fuck Micah.
You can't dance, boy.
I'll be practicing.
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Yeah!
Ow!
I can move her.
Ooh!
What is this middle of my mind?
Ow!
Ow!
German.
Coming Juneteenth.
Only on 2B.
I'm a boot like that shit.
Hello?
Fuck this.
I'm gonna miss you all.
Oh, hell no!
These lights don't stop! These lights don't stop!
Oh, God damn it!
Jack, did Sarah tell you to come?
Um, yeah. That's why I'm here. Not to murder you or anything like that.
Then why are you wearing gloves?
Would you believe I am thinking about dressing up as O.J. Simpson for Halloween?
But those fit.
Look out!
Oh, you're cool, bro. You almost hit a face. I mean, no!
I'm gonna get you like a pig!
Hey!
Oh, my gosh.
That was a stupid lie.
That is so true!
What are you gonna do?
They're eating a bacon?
I've gotta get better writers.
I lost my soul! My ribs hurt!
Wait until I stick my knife at him!
I'm gonna go!
I'm crying over here!
I gotta go!
He's going to kill me!
He's gonna kill me!
He's gonna kill me!
I'm gonna die! I lost his cars!
Oh, shit! He's really gonna kill me!
Oh, shit! He's really gonna kill me!
He's really gonna kill me!
No one with their arms!
Oh, shit!
I'm gonna turn you into bacon!
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
No!
No!
No!
Excuse me!
Out of our way!
Step aside!
Bishop, please take it!
Your face!
What do you feel like doing that?
Ooh!
Smile, you son of a bitch!
What the?
My psycho mother said
Always keep us straight!
Go!
Go!
I'm gonna go keep your mother in jail!
I'll keep your mother in jail!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Little thumb thumbs.
No.
My finger.
Oh, God.
What the fuck was that?
My ass.
Fuck your ass, horse.
Oh, Jack.
That's my ass.
Any last breath?
I go pooping.
Oh, hell no.
I ain't cleaning up that shit.
I'm on break.
Come on.
I need to kill it, not the queen.
Watch yourself.
Hey, what's up, Jack?
It's your boy Shorty.
That's right.
It's another Halloween-a-thog.
And it's another day of me getting paid mad money
for doing absolutely nothing.
Why you stupid motherfuckers watch out?
Hey, they call me Doug.
I want to give a smooth shout-out to my sponsor,
Angry Orchard Hard Sider.
They got mad apples, son.
We're crazy.
We're marketing genius.
All right.
We want to be a Halloween-a-thog without a dope guest.
He's a legend in the streaming game.
Give it up for Kyle Simmere!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Let's get serious.
What bring you to Jack?
Your brother told me to the movie.
I've been calling you.
You ghosted me.
Well, I thought that was one of my crazy-ass baby mamas.
That's my bad.
Speaking of ghosted.
Somebody must talk to you.
Hello?
What's your favorite scary movie?
Bro, I thought that was one of my crazy-ass baby mamas.
That's... that's my band.
Speaking of ghosting...
somebody was talking to you.
Hello?
What's your favorite scary movie?
We break it in the next time!
What's up, my guy?
You got some angry watcher, hot-sided ass.
Yeah, I'm right.
They got mad apples.
Ohhhh!
What's that?
What's that?
I'm about to do my favorite thing.
Spin the wheel!
There you go again!
We gonna go back there with these noodles,
and we gonna smack the fuck out you!
I mean, you gotta guess who did it.
That doesn't even make sense.
This is a dumb game.
Ohhhh!
God damn it!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Ohhhh!
Hey, hey, hey!
You just killed Casenet?
On the jet?
We make it history, son!
Money, money, money!
It's about time you guys got here.
It's about time you guys got here.
Now you're gonna do it.
So that's our suspect.
It goes by the name Shorthand.
Was the handyman that a house reputed to be haunted in 2001.
Is there anything you're not telling me?
That your wife hates you?
You believe the earth is flat and you voted for Trump three times.
Now what?
I suppose to vote for the woman?
Huh?
I believe Shorthand is the notorious ghost face.
What'd that mouth do?
You did look pretty sketchy.
I got the wrong guy.
You did look pretty sketchy.
I got the wrong guy.
You did look pretty sketchy.
And you know that because you're psychic?
No, so I saw me arrest one.
I got the wrong guy.
And you know that because you're psychic?
And you know that because you're psychic?
No. So I saw him in the restaurant.
I don't know.
That guy's black.
He's kind of not that black.
Like gravy brown.
Hit him with your strong hand!
Arrest him anyway.
Well, I did something, right?
Turn off your body cams!
This hailstorm welcome back.
Doc, I'm begging you.
You gotta help me out younger.
These little bitches are killing me out there.
They're wearing nothing but a sausage casing and a ring light.
Trust me with this
withered, decrepit,
age-ravaged body
and I will make you whole.
One middle-aged white lady special coming right up.
Thanks.
I'm gonna play a quick video on the ins and outs of the procedure
and then we'll get started.
Do you wish you weren't so bold and saggy?
You wish you were younger,
sexier,
fuckable again.
One single injection unlocks your DNA
creating a new,
better you.
This is the stuff.
Doc, this isn't that Gwyneth Paltrow crap
that makes you smell like revanche, is it?
I like it.
I like it.
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh, that's a lot of stuff.
Oh, a mask on a mask.
Safety first, right, huh?
Oh, oh!
Oh!
Oh, no!
Oh, no!
Oh, that is a second thought!
I'm going to love and accept myself after I am!
Ah!
Thank you.
Thank you.
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Oh, what's right, darling...
Ah!
Ah!
Oops, wrong movie.
You were thinking it.
You said white chicks to my ass.
Hey, Sarah.
Tuesday, I tried to visit you.
I am sorry for everything, especially your name.
It was Taco Tuesday.
I was super drunk, but I promise you I will kill this motherfucker.
It's fine, really.
We're cool.
I'm going to take you to the car.
I got stabbed in my death, dumbass.
I'm taking Chew's away from all of this.
I tried to run too, but it follows.
Now you're probably expecting a flashback to that movie, but it's too obscure.
Yeah, and your party's weird.
You have sex with someone, give them an STD, and then they haunt them in the form of their naked grandma.
It's like an STD biopic.
The killer is taunting me.
Why doesn't he just kill us?
Speak for yourself.
What are you waiting for?
Like this.
What are..
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR, HUH??
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
I wish you weren't my mother!
What are you waiting for?
Candyman.
Candyman.
Candyman.
You sure about this?
Yeah. Keep saying it.
Candyman?
Candyman?
Candyman.
So what's up? You got that Candyman?
I got it.
Weed gummies.
Canuts.
And what takes you so long to show up?
Come on, Clarence.
I called you five times.
Nigga, show up in three.
You ain't even called me on the phone.
Lucky I was walking by and heard y'all through the hole in this wall.
Fix that shit.
You shut your ass up.
You need to go to a proctologist and get your skin looked at.
Having acne over the age of 40 is wild work.
I look better than this nigga.
Maybe I'll miss out.
Hey, ain't no time for beating.
We about to be high as fuck.
We gon' party, son!
Happy Halloween, y'all.
Watch out for your face.
That's right.
Take care.
Hi.
I love it.
Look at that.
Look at this.
You seen your sister?
Oh.
Brent, you seen Gay?
I-I-I-I can't find her since you went to that protest.
No.
No.
Brent, let me guess.
You are Woody from Toy Story.
Nah, wouldn't that us a gay?
Jake Gyllenhaal from Brokeback Mountain.
I wish I knew how to quit you, but I can't.
You love that movie!
Hey, Brenda.
Huh?
Have you seen my big old bag of candy?
It had chocolates, gummies, lollipops.
It's gone missing.
No, no, no.
It's not missing.
I passed it out to the trick-or-treaters.
Brenda.
That's my stash.
Ha-ha-ha!
I'm so fucking hot!
Woo-hoo!
I can't feel my face!
Oh, I'm on that large ocean!
write side of You's sort of a coffee-or-treater.
Remember me?
Ha-ha-ha!
I'm so fucking hot!
Ha-ha-ha!
You look super hot!
Woo-hoo!
I can't feel my face!
I'm on that large ocean!
Take seven!
Take seven!
Take seven!
TEEK-EOijleg!
Oh
Why is she looking at me?
I'm a little disturbing.
I'm here for you.
You okay?
Hey!
Do you know how many baby seals die for microplastics?
Shit!
Yes, Godfaces!
My God!
He stabbed her!
Not her!
My pronouns are they them!
He stabbed them!
I'm over 40.
How am I supposed to keep up with all of this?
She's not wrong!
It's Karens like you that keep the patriarchy going with their knees on our necks!
Now you're playing the race card?
I have enough of her shit!
They're shit, bitch!
And to be clear, my real name is Kieran!
Oh shit!
This is too good!
Ignore the insults!
They don't realize we're here to help them!
Toxic masculinity and mansplaining doesn't help anybody!
I love women in sports!
Just not together!
Come here, bitch!
I'm gonna be next!
We ain't ready for this!
We gotta be next!
Fuck you!
Fuck you!
Fuck you!
Fuck you!
Fuck you!
Fuck you!
I'm going mad as fear!
I'm going mad as fear!
I'm going mad as fear!
Uncle Shorty!
What's up, nephew?
Can I ask you something?
Yeah, sure!
It's about, you know, how to go down on a girl!
You talk about eating pussy?
It's so cringe, but yeah!
So maybe if you stop talking like a 14-year-old white girl, you can learn something!
Alright, so listen up!
First thing you gotta do, you gotta, you gotta spread your name, you gotta open it up!
You ain't wanna lose your fingers!
Sometimes you can use two!
You can use two!
You can use two!
Two fingers like that there!
Now, once you get it all in there now, you gotta use your tongue!
You can't be afraid of it!
You can't be afraid of it!
Yeah!
Lean into it!
You can't be afraid of it!
You can't be afraid of it!
You ain't gonna lose your fingers!
You can't be afraid of it!
I mean, lean into it!
You ain't gonna lose your fingers!
Yeah, watch it!
You will!
I mean, if you didn't need to lose your fingers!
But you don't even need so much more!
Well!
You know you do!
No!
Why are you talking about eating pussy?
You aint lean into it.
No, no, no, you doing it too fast.
No, no, no, no, no.
What you a lizard?
You got to be gentle, you got to talk to her.
Hey, you little guy, how you doing?
Boom!
It's like rolling the blunt.
All you got to do, nephew,
is hit that shit.
Got it?
Mm-hmm.
Right now, if you want to learn to lick ass,
that's your mama.
I want to try something. I thought you said you'd never let me peck you. What? No. Relax. I just want to taste you.
Okay. Dinner time. Oh yeah. Come here, baby.
Oh, careful. I'm making a gangster. Oh. Oh. It is gangster. Okay.
He slapped you so hard. He wants some more. Yeah.
You feel so much better than Farrell and them.
Get back in there. Yeah. Lick it. Yeah. Lick it hard.
Finish her.
Just like rolling a blunt.
All I'm going to do is hit it.
Ow!
What the fuck?
Hey there. We heard tell of a Halloween party.
You did now, did you?
We're here to drink. Play bad music. Do some half gay shit.
Why just half gay? Can I help you?
If you just invite us in.
Why do you need an invitation?
Why do folks show up to parties uninvited all the time with their little nasty ass casseroles?
Land is shit. Y'all better start using some loudness.
And why she got them dirty ass feet?
Look like you was walking around porn sets all day.
Got them trailer block toes.
I think you're in the wrong place.
Y'all clean?
No. We believe in music and equality.
How about we show y'all?
It's okay now.
Well, we're moving on up to the east side.
To a deluxe apartment in the sky.
We're moving on up.
They gentrified to Jefferson's.
Wheezy's rolling around in her grave right now.
Can't do this to the Black National Anthem.
Boo?
Ah!
Ah!
Boo!
Ah!
Look at you!
Boo your ass!
Get that bullshit out of here!
Dumb shit!
Why don't y'all just go to one of those frat parties where they drink until they blackout
and wake up with their booties hurting, not knowing what someone in the cowboy hat did
to them?
Yeah!
What?
Okay, well, we will leave you guys alone, but we're going to walk real slow just in case
y'all change your minds.
Change your minds yet?
No.
Hell no.
How about now?
No.
No.
Yes?
Hell no.
No.
Keep walking.
Now get it.
Let's go.
Go.
Sarah, come on.
All right, folks, it's getting weird.
Guys, I think I saw an open window over here.
That window's closed.
Not for long.
Wicked.
God, you fucking idiots.
Hey, Tuesday, you came back.
Yeah, I left my inhaler.
Honestly, Tuesday, I thought inhaler was the worst pot device in every history.
That's true.
Should have been in vain.
But we're here now, so let's make the most of it.
Now where's the white closet?
Woo!
Sarah?
Hello.
Get your sister and get out of there right now.
Okay, hon?
I am a grown-ass woman.
Mother, I don't have to do anything you tell me to do.
That's the house where your psychopath killed those people.
Someone wanted to get you there.
Which means someone wants to get me there.
Oh, my God.
This isn't about you.
Why are you doing it?
Because you are so fucking far away.
Wait, hold on.
Are you tracking my phone?
Shh.
You're breaking up.
Uh, yeah.
Shh.
Happy birthday.
What the fuck?
Help!
I'm sorry.
I thought I was supposed to smoke it.
Oh, shit.
Seriously?
With the 12 Years of Slave shit?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I didn't see that movie, okay?
I just found this thing in the shed.
Jeez.
Come on, bro.
That's even worse.
I didn't mean it that way.
Some of my best victims are black.
And another brother falls victim to gun violence.
Turns out race is still an issue.
That's not fair.
You know black guys usually die first in horror movies.
Yeah.
Just give a whole new meaning to Dead by Daylight.
Yeah.
Oh.
Get off.
Goofy ass out of here.
Oh.
Hello, shorty.
Get him in there.
Ah.
Got the silly ass.
You're about to be high as fuck.
I'm for fuck.
Get off.
You're the motor upside down.
Get off.
Goofy ass out of here.
Oh.
Goofy ass out of here.
Oh.
Hello, shorty.
Oh.
Get him in there.
Ah.
Got the silly ass.
You're about to be high as fuck.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, the other motor's upside down.
You fucking idiot!
Game on, bitchy!
Black Lives Matter!
Not you, Shorty!
I need you!
Whoa, what's going on?
Oh, Jack!
Oh, thank God you're here! Where were you?
Uh, Gooseface was just here!
I was just outside getting some fresh air.
Stop!
One of you is the killer.
Bella?
Why do you have blood on your hands?
I found Brad outside.
She's the killer!
I am NOT the killer!
I'm not even sex positive!
I'm a virgin!
No way!
You're being like every dude in Woodsville.
Fuck you!
The butt doesn't count.
Shit, you sonnet!
Welcome to Act 3, bitches.
What?
What does that even mean?
It's when the shit goes down.
Oh.
I still don't really know what she means, but I think we should run!
Oh, no!
Oh, no!
Oh my God!
Oh!
Oh my God!
Brianna?
Crianna!
Brenda!
You think I am going to shoot.
You think it's a while.
I blame it on video games, not the liquor or lack of parental supervision.
You're gonna need this.
Do you have one bigger in black?
Oh, right. Beg.
Who? Who are you? John Wick?
I would've said ballerina, but nobody saw that shit.
Let's do this.
Okay.
Tell me! I bet we're not making it, please.
What do you think?
I think Drake lost to Kendrick.
I still like Drake, but what was up with that lawsuit?
That's such a bitch-ass move.
About this situation.
Oh, that's definitely a trap.
She don't know where we are to be here, doesn't it?
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Whoa!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Come on!
Bitch!
I'm not dead yet!
Oh...
My bad.
I'm sorry.
Now, you go back in there.
Finish it.
For me, Cindy.
I would do anything for you, Brenda.
Brenda.
Yes! She bought it!
That old catch-up trick, it don't fail.
That bitch is crazy if she thought I was taking my black ass back in there.
Attention all killers!
You have five seconds to show yourselves!
Oh!
Shorty!
Bitch!
You shot my favorite ball!
Go find your old damn closet!
Sorry!
Hello, Cindy.
Hello.
Looks like you forgot the first rule of surviving a horror movie.
Never. Answer the phone.
I thought the first rule was never trust the love interest.
Really?
Well, I'm changing rules. How about that?
New rule.
Go fuck yourself.
Wait, wait!
Oh! Why do you eat closets so much?
I told you to come out.
Yeah, well, I didn't want to get shot!
Ironic, isn't it?
You missed me, bitch!
Oh, God, it's Mooseface!
It's a tunnel loop.
It means you're John Wick acting like I killed your dog!
The dog is just a metaphor.
It was about losing his wife!
Are you sure it's not an hour boy?
No!
No, dad!
No, I'm not gonna get me.
No!
No!
No!
No!
Let us begin.
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
Oh, that stunt girl looks good.
Eat a dick.
Shoot him, Sarah. End this.
Don't tell me what to do!
This isn't the best time to resolve our mommy-daughter issues, but...
Sarah, I am so sorry. I have been a terrible mother.
I don't even know your sister Wednesday.
Oh, Tuesday.
Have to clarify that for legal reasons.
But I prepared you for this.
So go on, baby. You kill him.
Sarah!
Sarah!
Jack!
Sarah!
Oh, Jack!
Sarah!
Sarah!
Sarah!
Thank God you're okay, because I really wanted to be the one who-
Oh, take it, baby.
See, I told you it was about me.
No, Sarah.
You were just a bitch.
It's about her.
Fuck!
Oh, sorry, honey. I hate being right.
You should've listened to Doofy.
The love interest.
It just seemed too obvious, you know?
Which makes you think it is not obvious the same page I am on.
Yeah, well, that's the twist!
Now get in the kitchen. Go!
Hey!
Okay, listen up!
See, there hasn't been a great horror movie since the first one.
We're gonna save the franchise.
Go get our special guest star.
Hollywood!
Out of ideas!
Why else would there be a scary movie six?
But it wouldn't work with just the new characters, would it?
We need the legacy characters.
Oh!
And there wouldn't be a city without her sassy black sidekick, Brenda.
You ain't have to say black with no hard B like that.
Brenda, didn't you get shot?
Did I?
Oh!
Wait, Andy!
Oh, look!
That didn't heal me!
Oh!
What'd he do?
Stop dancing!
Stop dancing!
Everybody stop dancing!
Oh!
Mom!
No!
You called me Mom!
You care about me!
Well, I wouldn't go that far, but...
Sure.
Go get Tuesday!
Okay, ladies!
Time to stage the party!
Let's go!
Let's go!
Let's go!
Let's go!
What?
Who are you people?
We're the motherfuckers that are taking over this franchise.
Oh, yeah?
Okay!
That was not part of the playoff!
Oh my God!
Neither was this.
Wait!
We got one of those!
Whoa!
Hot damn!
Hey, Anthony Anderson!
Yeah!
And I brought my boy Kevin Hart with!
What?
Shock?
That's right.
On my knees, I'm the same height as Kevin.
And Kevin said no.
Kevin Hart said no?
That little motherfucker says yes to everything.
Yeah, he does.
But wait.
There's more.
Shorty!
Bitches!
Great! Shorty!
Yeah, that's right.
Four black killers.
We're making history.
It's a new definition of black excellence.
But why would you do this?
The question is, why would you try to make a sequel without us, huh?
Yeah.
When the studio wanted to replace these brothers, I was there.
That's facts.
What about me?
What about you?
You were in one scene in part four.
Yes, but I made that motherfucker Dr. Phil cut his foot off.
And he crazy names.
Yeah, he got weird.
But you see what they trying to do?
They trying to pit us all up against each other.
They trying to stop black on very black crime.
That's right.
Yo, Shaq.
Hey, I'm proud of you, bro.
You've had an amazing career as a sports commentator since retiring from basketball.
Mm-hmm.
And I love the big podcast, nigga.
I love that shit.
Even if I don't understand the words you be saying, you be on that show and tell me,
alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright.
Kobe, enough.
Enough.
But my point is, nigga, I love your shit.
But I never got over Kazam.
Hey, look at your big ass.
Why, baby, that movie, too?
Why, these are bitches.
You and Kobe would have had nine flicks.
That motherfucker traded me.
Shaquille.
How big is your butt?
Then how big is your dick?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Say.
Horse.
What the fuck you talking about?
I'm doing it for the culture.
What culture?
Culture club.
Come on, Ray, we're killing people.
Stay focused.
All right, all right, we're back.
Hey, don't you worry.
We family.
And my respect.
Hey, black is nominated for eight Emmys.
My nigger.
Actually, the show was only nominated for five.
I was nominated for eight.
But you never won.
But you never won.
What?
It's...
And two percent.
Don't be Spanish to me, motherfuckers.
This is for doing scary movies playing for.
I didn't know they fired the family.
And this is for copying our good time episode on blackish.
But you guys were on the WB.
Nobody saw that shit.
No, no, no.
And you.
And you.
Y'all went and did scary movies three and four without us.
Baby, I'm sorry.
They offered me so much money.
I got a new house, a new car.
I got wings that don't each.
What about you?
Well, I had a chance to work with the incomparable Charlie Shane.
That's good.
He's a legend.
And his dick game is crazy.
You know, he slept with 47,000 women.
And a thousand of them women were dudes.
Lucky guy.
Wait.
So y'all gonna kill us now?
Nah.
I don't want Halloween B without Jamie Lee Curtis.
Or Scream B without Nev Kim.
That would be Scream 6.
How did you guys pull all of this off?
Sandy.
You know how many wings is there off?
It's a billion.
Billions.
I'm just so happy that the old gang is back together.
Okay.
In the middle.
On three.
Core four.
Oh, nah, nah.
That's core.
That's why.
What about the young and the restless?
Yeah, or the old and then the beautiful.
Or the cute and the crusty.
Yeah, or the sexy and then the scenery.
We were brought in to take over the franchise.
That's right.
He was like 70 years old.
I should drag that one to my subway.
Oh, my back hurts.
Guys.
Guys.
They're already dead.
Nah.
Little fuckers always come back.
Oh, no.
Not this time.
Exactly.
Come on, man.
Let's go.
Let's go.
We gotta manage.
That's right.
That's right.
Next generation, my man.
We're all the kids.
Wait, wait, wait.
Wait.
Do we feel bad?
I mean, those are our kids.
Fuck those kids.
This is our franchise!
Yeah, besides, we can do all these dramatic walkaways
with the fire in back of us.
Damn, it's hot.
I don't know.
I kind of like it.
You do, Ray?
We should play a fireman.
You wanna dress up like a fireman?
No, I want you to dress up like a fireman.
You don't mean that.
Yeah, I feel a dram.
Bigger than ever, we back!
Thank you.
Hey girl, want some brown liquor?
Brown liquor don't make this pussy bad.
Tequila it is.
Here you go.
Viva la river Luciana!
Now that shit right there make your pussy pop on it.
Here, stay.
So what are you doing here anyway?
What do you think I'm doing here?
I'm starting to open it safely.
Been there, done that.
Pick up the phone!
Pick up the phone!
Pick up the phone!
Pick up the phone!
Richie?
Pick up the phone!
Pick up the phone!
Pick up the phone!
Pick up the phone!
Pick up the phone!
Pick up the phone!
Richie?
Tiana, hey.
I thought it'd be easier for the audience if they didn't have to read more texts.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Cause you know these motherfuckers can't read.
I know.
Who goes to see your wedding's brother's phone?
Well, it's nice to phone me here in this super awkward way.
Likewise, but I've gotta be honest when I see your profile paper bitch almost swipe left
because you look mad goofy.
But surprisingly, you know those goofy niggas got a big dick.
So, here we are.
I'll take you for a Jersey girl.
A Jersey girl?
Listen, I love jerseys down.
But I'm a Harlem girl.
Born and motherfucking rage.
Real niggas only.
Yeah.
Oh, so you're black.
No motherfuckers!
I'm black!
All cats!
No cats!
But cats!
Fuck all y'all!
Bitch spit them pearls back out!
Like, want your shit?
Hello?
So tell me, what's your favorite scary movie?
Mmmmm, I don't really do them.
You know, all the super tropes and shit.
Why is it always the white bitch at the end?
Cause they know it's too hard to kill a sister.
You know what I'm saying?
Cause if the sister can survive government cheese, we can survive anything.
You know, it might help if you met me outside.
Met you outside?
Boy, you just needy.
What's your sign?
You must be a Scorpio.
How'd you know?
Good a dick though.
The toxic is here.
Hey, is the restaurant here in the alley?
Yes, hurry.
Before they rob your ass.
Rob it?
Ah!
Not today.
She's a bitch.
Heard you all.
Okay, I'm coming down the alley now.
I'm here.
Can you see me?
I'm waving.
No.
The person I'm looking at is not waving.
In fact, they're just staring at me.
Who's staring his ass back?
And don't blink.
Never blink.
They're like, what?
No, they're walking towards me now.
Oh no, they have a knife.
Why don't we eat his ass over here?
And that's not the worst part.
The worst part is, you know so much about horror movies, and yet you still walk into the alley
alone.
The worst part is, you fucking with a New York bitch.
Coo-coo!
Yes!
Coo-coo!
Go on!
Coo-coo!
Coo-coo!
Coo-coo!
Man.
He wants an Avenger shit.
Coo-coo.
Damn, keep on some Avenger shit.
Seriously, laden?
I didn't recognize a bird call, but I thought you was going to Warburg.
That's a pigeon, nigga.
It's supposed to be a hawk swooping in the attack.
Mother, are you done?
What the hell?
Bitch, I'm Tiana Taylor. My abs got abs.
Get him!
Come on, guys. We don't want this out.
Somebody help me!
No, no, no, no!
Now, get your whore-headed ass off!
Welcome to you, you old sucker!
Hey, Tiana. You might have kicked my ass, but you still didn't win that Oscar.
What'd you say about my Oscar?
Did I stutter? You lost!
You're right. But I want that golden globe, bitch.
Oh my god, really?
See, that's why I never watched horror movies. It's fucking terrible.
Just a bunch of celebrity cameos and fart gags.
So, you don't like parodies?
I'm more into Judd Apatow films. You know, elevated comedy.
And what is elevated comedy?
The kind that doesn't actually make anyone laugh, but makes white people feel smart.
Tuesday? Don't answer that.
Could be Ghostface.
Oh, come on, Elle.
Stuff like that only happens in the movies.
Oh, hey. I wasn't expecting you to answer the door, huh?
What the fuck?
Now, where's my knife?
Up there.
Hello.
Tuesday.
Hi, man.
What'd you say?
Hey.
Hey, man.
What'd you take?
Just Ritalin for my ADHD.
Adderall for PTSD.
A couple of Xanax for my anxiety.
And your voter pills.
So good luck getting it up now.
Jesus, Sarah, how many did you take?
I don't know. How many come in a bottle?
Hey, Jeff.
Sarah, Tuesday's in the hospital.
She was stabbed by a killer.
You know, ghost face.
Wait, from Rotten?
Why would ghost face kill her?
A.k.a. Pretty Tony.
A.k.a. Starkula when I stabbed my sister.
God, Sarah, it wasn't ghost face killer.
It was somebody in a ghost face mask.
Ah.
Okay, that makes more sense.
I ate the wand!
Ah, Jesus, Jack!
What?
I was thinking about wearing this for Halloween.
My estranged flat-tested half-sister was nearly killed by a snake.
I was nearly killed by a psycho and a ghost mask.
I gotta go see her.
Can't make up for the past.
Well, hey, hey, hey.
I'm going with you.
Not because I'm the obvious killer trying to lure you back to your hometown.
I'm just a supportive boyfriend.
Yeah.
That's all.
Okay, let's go.
Get in the car.
Listen, we just have to make one stop on the way.
I survived.
All thanks to my lucky penny.
Hey, we're not winning.
Come give me up.
Hey, we're not winning.
Come give me up.
Mom, come on, turn off this ratchet-ass music.
I wanna have my ATV, make her say, uh, I got masterpiece.
Don't eat South Mickey, that's masterpiece.
I don't wanna be in no sausage fest.
Where my ladies at, throw it east to west.
Pow, wow, wow, wow, I'm impressed.
Moody up, down, up, down.
Hey, we love me.
Come give me up.
Mom, come on, turn off this ratchet-ass music.
It's embarrassing, especially for black women.
It's not embarrassing, I'm the cool mom, everybody wished they had, I'm lit.
Don't forget, I got practice later, so I'll be home late.
You only made the team because you're black, and those racist fucks assumed you could play.
It's 2026, I don't think race is an issue.
Do you read black Twitter?
No.
Oh, Fred, are you still dating that hoe?
Okay, stop hoe shaming her, Pepper.
Just because Daryl and them ride a train on her doesn't make her a hoe.
She's not a hoe, she's sex positive.
Well, I'm positive, she's a hoe.
Hey girl, look at you.
Early for Halloween, huh?
What you this shit?
Bloody school, girl.
How are we home?
Hi, Miss Meeks.
Love the hair.
I mean, I'll take it, Spencer.
Well, thank you very much.
I gotta invite you over and make you a little shit pack.
Ooh, you know what?
I gotta get to African American history class.
We're learning about slavery.
I'm trying to find out.
It was a choice.
You see that right there?
That's Kanye.
That's right.
They've been teaching us wrong all this time.
Mm-hmm.
Stay black.
Bye, Mom.
All right.
Bye, baby.
Bye.
Son, I put some condoms in your bag.
You know how they trying to trap y'all?
Mom.
Okay.
Seriously?
Sheriff Greg, you don't have to walk me to class.
I'm fine.
Jess, there's a serial killer on the loose.
I'm not gonna let anything happen to my baby girl.
Boy, okay?
I'm a baby boy.
I'm sorry.
I'm just having a hard time with this transition.
Okay, it's really simple.
Treat me like one of the guys.
Okay?
I can do that?
Yeah.
Slap bite.
Oh.
You call that a slap?
Who the hell did you do that for?
Why am I such a bitch?
Bitch.
Bitch.
Yeah, not bad.
Who the hell lives like this?
Oh, honey.
It is so good to see you.
Come in.
Do you want some tea?
Oh my god, mother.
You look like shit.
Hey, please.
This is clearly a woman who's run out of condition.
Oh, be careful where you walk.
The whole place is booby trapped.
You never know when that cycle's gonna come back.
Come in.
Okay.
I hate this job.
Mrs. Campbell.
I'm Jack, Sarah's boyfriend.
I've heard so much about you.
Uh, none of it could.
I have heard nothing about you, Jack.
I assume you're a piece of shit.
But how would I know when I haven't heard from my daughter in what?
Six months?
Six years, mother.
And whose fault is that?
And whose fault is that?
And whose fault is that?
And whose fault is that?
I don't know.
Maybe it's yours.
That's fair.
We want to learn from the horror you survived.
Look.
Scary movie three and four paid me a lot of money for a girl.
There is nothing to learn there.
But if you want to talk about the house bunny, shoot.
It's happening again.
Some asshole in a mask.
We have to stop him.
You're not ready, love bug.
I have been preparing for this for years.
Sacrificing and a mask.
And who's fault is that?
And who's fault is that?
I don't know.
Maybe it's yours.
I don't know.
And who's fault is that?
I don't know.
Maybe it's yours.
That's fair.
We want to learn from the horror you survived.
Look.
Scary movie three and four paid me a lot of money for a girl.
There is nothing to learn there.
But if you want to talk about the house bunny, shoot.
It's happening again.
Some asshole in a mask.
We have to stop him.
You're not ready, love bug.
I have been preparing for this for years.
Sacrificed everything.
You are a terrible mother.
Come on, honey.
We have some good times.
Like that Christmas I took you to meet Santa at the mall.
Your turn, Sarah.
Move.
Hi, Santa.
Sorry if I don't sit in your lap.
You creep me out.
Mom!
Santa gives me a separate heart.
Be sure to thank him.
I am sorry if that's how you found out Santa doesn't exist.
Mother, I need your help.
To heal her emotional wounds and put the past behind her?
Oh, God, no.
No, to kill ghost face.
Do you have any guns?
I am Cindy fucking Campbell.
I've got millions of guns.
But, um, none of them are registered due to my mental health issues.
So, if you could just keep that on the low.
Okay.
Oh, yeah, I'm gonna be fine.
I didn't hurt myself on any of these fights.
Oh, hey.
So, I spoke to Sarah earlier.
Oh, is she coming?
You know I did hear a buzzing sound.
So is possible.
No, I meant to Woodsville.
Dumbass.
Oh, yeah, I forgot to ask.
Hey, Jimbo!
Go deep!
Oh!
Sweet!
Speaking of going deep.
Uh, I don't know if it's a good time.
Everyone knows what happens to teenagers to try to make a joke.
When there's a killer on the loose.
Brad's right about one thing, guys.
Okay, ghost face his back.
We need to arm up.
Pepper spray?
Check.
Taser?
Check.
Butt plug?
Double chuck.
God damn!
You just carry that thing around?
It's easy to hide.
In your butt?
I'm impressed.
I'm impressed.
Thank you.
I'm impressed.
I'm impressed.
Good.
Good.
Good.
Good.
Good.
Good.
Good.
Good.
Okay, ghost face his back.
We need to arm up.
Pepper spray?
Check.
Taser?
Check.
Butt plug?
Double chuck.
God damn!
You just carry that thing around?
It's easy to hide.
In your butt?
I'm impressed.
I'm impressed.
What's up, y'all?
I'm back!
Hey, what's up, unk?
Unk!
I'm tired of you little Gen Z alpha niggas using terms like unk and auntie.
Gaslighting and blazing and glamping.
Trying to make my generation sound old.
I ain't your damn unk, nigga!
Shorty, you're our mother's brother.
So, yeah, technically you are our uncle.
Unk.
My bad.
Yeah!
It's crazy that they let you teach here.
Teach?
Nah, nigga.
I attend.
You're looking at a proud 25th year senior.
When are you finally gonna graduate?
By the time we do a sequel and I gotta follow you little young niggas to college to get my check.
Wait, guys, Tuesday's awake.
Alright!
Tuesday!
Who the fuck is Tuesday?
We gotta go to the hospital.
Are you gonna take the bus home?
Nah.
The PJ.
Private Jen?
Yeah.
Jealous?
You smoke weed all day.
Just play video games, live stream.
You literally got money doing nothing.
Exactly.
I leave the hard work for the old head.
Ha!
Jesus!
Ha!
Still the fame shortage.
Alright.
Check my cryptos.
Oh, shit, I'm up three million dollars!
Ha!
Damn, now I'm down five million.
This shit, we're crazy, son.
The moon.
The moon.
Yes.
Come on.
Come on.
I'm up one.
All right.
I'm up one.
I'm up one.
I'm up one.
I'm up one.
I'm up one.
Ray!
Sister Brenda, it's okay.
You heard the call of sin, yes you did.
But the Lord has called on us to show men such like you the way.
Come on son, come with us, come on us.
God see you coming, so don't cheat that girl.
We need you to come like you never came before.
Come for the Father, come for the Son.
I'm gonna hold your hand and we're gonna come together.
Hey man, let it go.
In the name of God, let it go Ray, let it go.
Nigga!
Oh, my bad.
Last time.
Let's welcome a new member to our congregation.
That'll be my field.
I'm not gay no more.
I'm not gay no more.
I'm gay no more.
I'm gay no more.
I'm gay no more.
I'm gay no more.
I'm gay no more.
I'll no longer dig a man.
Even if he sets his hair with a big ol' chest as his and perky areolas.
I'll no longer carry a purse, put on makeup, walk around in high heels.
Red rubs, the one with the cute little buckle on the side.
It's just my shoes.
I no longer go on blinders and swipe right at black men.
Hmm?
White men, Asian men.
You wanna grab it?
I no longer take trips to the Philippines looking for ladyboys to Phuket.
Phuket called the movie back to Phuket, then to Vietnam to see if I can get them any cheaper.
I thought that was my anniversary, right?
Oh, this nigga got a lot of mouths.
I no longer stand white naked in the mirror with my penis tucked between my legs.
Dancing like a dude from Silence of the Lambs.
They put some lotion in the basket, precious.
I'm a changed man.
I've been delivered.
I will.
I said I will.
I will.
No.
A woman.
Huh?
Woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman.
Woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman, woman
Oh my god, her face!
Are you fucking dorted? Oh my god, in the morning!
I'm trying to get help for an hour.
How are you feeling, sweetie?
Hey, what have I given you for the pain? Is that...is that Morgane?
Or...
Bitches!
Yeah!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, is that good, good?
This that Britney Spears shit makes me wanna get half-naked, dance around and juggle some knives.
Sarah, who's that Jeffrey Dahmer look-alike?
This is my boyfriend, Jack.
Really nice to meet you.
Looks like Ted Bundy to me, but that ain't none of my business.
This little stabbed-up bitch here needs some rest.
So y'all, get the fuck out!
Yes, ma'am.
Oh, not you, Sarah.
Why? What did I do?
I'm so scared.
Oh, Toos.
You should be.
You've been stabbed nine times.
And the killer knows where you live.
I would invite you to come stay at my place, but I don't really want that kind of teacher in my house.
For all we know, he's standing right outside that door.
It's comforting, Sarah.
I thought I was gonna die.
I know, me too.
I planned your funeral.
What the hell?
And I wrote your obituary.
More like Chachi T wrote it.
But you're still here.
And I will never let anyone hurt you.
Oh, dumb!
I'm shit!
Get off me!
Help!
This white girl can't die on my ship!
I'm a DEI hire!
Oh my god, oh my god!
He's lying a second ago!
No, no, no!
Get!
Get!
Clear!
Again!
Come on, my bitch!
I need this job!
Clear!
It's not working!
Oh, I win, Luna!
Fire!
Oh boy.
Looks like there ain't nothing left with forts, prayers, and pork rinds.
Dear lord.
You're threatened!
Check out the wire!
The wire was the shit, baby!
That's my show, Throg, and that Idris Alba.
Make this coochie wanna pop, pop, pop!
Dear lord.
Please, accept this white bitchin'
Oh!
The lord works in mysterious ways.
I'm goin' on break.
Oh, truth.
I will never let anyone hurt you.
Again.
Ooh!
My bad!
Hello?
Hello, Sarah.
Who is this?
Someone who knows your little secret.
No, no, no!
I swear that wasn't a Nazi salute!
Okay?
I won prom queen!
And I was throwing my heart to the crowd!
No!
I'm talking about a Nazi salute!
Okay?
I won prom queen!
And I was throwing my heart to the crowd!
No!
I'm talking about a Nazi salute!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
I'm talking about your family secret!
Oh, you're the fuck who hurt my sister!
Well, I had to get you to come back here.
Listen, if you were to fuck with me, asshole, then come and get me!
With pleasure!
Help!
Somebody help!
Please, somebody help!
I've been saving people all day!
So you handle yours, I'll be right or here eating my falafel and my pork.
I've been saving people all day!
I'll be right or here eating my falafel and my pork rind!
I look like your momma!
I'll be right or here eating my falafel and my pork rind!
I look like your momma!
Uh-huh!
I am now!
Breaks over!
Now!
Yeah!
I am now!
Yeah!
Yeah!
I'm now!
Fast!
We're going to be right to me!
I'm not leaving my dog!
What?
You're right!
Keep it down!
I'm not leaving me!
Come on!
I'm not leaving you!
I'm eating my falafel and my pork rind.
I look like your mama.
Time now breaks over.
You're welcome.
It really looks like you got hit with something hard, like metal.
I told you I fell.
Now where exactly are we going?
To talk to an expert.
Owen!
I'm so sorry to bother you.
We just want to ask you a few questions.
Jimmy, what day is why I should talk to you?
I'm white.
How white?
I'm talking to Candace Owens' white.
Oh!
Fix it!
When you said expert, I assumed you're not more like Neil deGrasse Tyson.
I'm Sarah Campbell.
I was attacked last night.
I think you should leave.
I don't want to get stabbed.
And I don't like COVID, okay?
Please, come on.
Just two minutes.
That's all I'm asking.
No, no.
I'll give you eight minutes.
And another thing.
Oh!
Oh!
I can test you to go.
Oh my gosh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
You guys are good.
When did the work week become the woke week?
We've got Black Friday.
What's next?
Mulatto Monday?
I mean, Yellow Thursday?
Come on.
Come on.
We can test.
I'm away.
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Yes, you're done.
Yep.
You're good.
You're Cindy's daughter, right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't know him.
Oh, this is Jack.
My love interest.
No.
No, no, no.
Rule number one of surviving a horror movie is never trust the love interest.
Look at him.
He's got that weird lazy eye poking one way and he's drooling like a psychopath.
He's got that stump leg.
Makes him all walk weird and creepy.
I don't have a stump.
But that guy does.
Oh.
Don't look at me.
Just off your duty.
Retired.
Listen, Doofy.
We could really use your help.
Yeah.
I can't go back to that life.
Plus, we're in the middle of a global pandemic.
Okay.
I hate to break it to you, but COVID has been over for like years.
Really?
Yeah.
Damn it!
What am I going to do with all this damn meat?
Get out.
I don't want Joe State to find you.
And don't come back.
I don't want Joe the new seeker here.
What?
Shit.
Married me?
They're joined me.
Okay just because he showered doesn't mean that yeah yeah I just take water from my mouth
no that's okay okay yeah do it Sarah is your ghetto ass mom coming or can we start talking
about this plot uh hi you came not in like 15 years honey but I did buy this new rose so fingers crossed
oh oh oh my old friend you taught me how to dance how to make a high and work pie
nigga I'm writing back to you what's up Sandy how you doing my nigga I can't believe you thought I was
dead well between cancer from the weed smoke your love of the McRib and racist cops I didn't think
you had a chance yeah that's a terrible coming hi Sam stop smiling at me
oh shit world star world star world star hey he's intellectually disabled that's just how he
looks you drunk honky hey hey hey who call that white bitch a honky come on have some respect
I keep seeing people smiling everywhere I'm not very likable so it must be some kind of curse
hey everybody look what I got non-branded gelatin shop made with great alcohol and GHB so ain't nobody
sipping that name consent to me like last time which I apologize say one I love room being myself
no you sure baby hi Brenda please do not call me by my government name call me mom
you dropped the tready oh my god Sandy I haven't seen you in forever oh my god look at you look the same
mine is the crow's feet and your hair is so dry oh and your titties dropped so far other than that you look the exact same
what have you been up to oh you know neglecting my children so I can prepare to kill ghost fish
should he ever return what about you well I've been mostly just getting half school kids drunk
and a desperate attempt to stay young and keep my kids at home I always knew you'd be a great mom
oh baby should we hug oh I really want to but I'm a republican now so I'm supposed to be racist
oh girl I think all white people are racist anyway come here okay
you know mom this place could be so cool if you had like a beer pong table over there maybe like a snack wall
what you know about cool when I was your age I was popping bottles with puffy
puff daddy p-ditty diddy all the shorts
that ain't as well your mama was the freak in the freak off
you want to see something cool
I'm gonna show you something cool
oh my god that's cool
what are you doing?
what?
no not like that
oh my god
yeah
I don't know why y'all acting so scared the gun ain't even loaded
oh shit
oh shit son
uh oh I did it again
I always get that last one in the chamber
help me move the fire
yeah you got it
yeah you got it
that was fun
oh what did you do next to this?
I wanted to go with coffee
oh I love coffee
you know what I used to put cocaine in my hoo-ha in the family all the time
alright let's get back to the plot
I'm looking at you Ted Bundy eyes
looking like a school shooter
I think you the killer
oh me?
mhm
okay what about deputy doofy over there?
I don't have a motive
you know what's my motive?
you were the killer in the first movie
shouldn't you be looked up?
no I got pardoned
mostly because of the storming the capital you know
oh
I got proof
it's me
oh
in Spain
that's a cool hit
what about Jess?
what about me?
if anybody here has issues that could lead to murder
okay
strengthen the dick part
hey you don't know what I got down here okay?
I do
hey hey
listen what we know so far
is everyone who's been attacked
is related to the original characters
he wants to kill the king
aha
he's making a reboot-a-quote
a what now?
yup it's like a reboot in a sequel
mixing legacy characters with new characters
in an attempt to feed into bullshit nostalgia
and bring more fans to the theaters
just like last year's I Know What You Did Last Summer
that's a movie?
what did I do last summer?
I think you're talking about the summer I turned pretty
yeah
Ray!
when did you get here?
oh I've been here I was just hanging out by the men's room
what?
oh
mom
okay so that means that our killer is writing his own version of horror movie
okay so according to the reboot-a-call rules
who's the killer?
I think it's pretty obvious
who?
you bitch
me?
guys I am not the killer
ghostface attacked twos to lure me back here
I think he attacked twos Dave to get you back here
so he can get me back here
he wants to kill the OGs
that was a flex
yeah that sounds better
fuck it
and fuck you
mother
who?
to your mother?
hey
don't be so disrespectful
and call me mom
or mommy
or whatever is more comfortable
talk to me
hello Sheriff
Agent Underwood?
I'll give you one hint
what's your favorite scary movie?
well I'm gonna go with salt burn
I mean the member on that English guy was terrible
I'm gonna go with salt burn
I mean the member on that English guy was terrible
I'm gonna go with salt burn
I mean the member on that English guy was terrifying
and Ken Jeong's junk in the hangover was a much better depiction of the male in the
and that's what do you want, fuck face?
dead
well I'm gonna go with salt burn
I mean the member on that English guy was terrifying
and Ken Jeong's junk in the hangover was a much better depiction of the male anatomy
and what do you want fuck face?
Well, I'm just calling to tell you that by the time you get home, I'll have gutted your baby girl.
Hey, asshole. She's a boy!
Looking for this? Let me help you. I got your baby dick. Winky, winky, winky, winky.
Alright, here we go. What do you want, fuckface?
Like father, like son. I understand you're home alone.
Dad's out, but the pool guy, the gardener, and the plumber are all here, asshole.
Look out your window.
No, but they're the backbone of the American workforce. And I'm too white to do those jobs.
Let's cut to the chase. I'll ask you one question. If you answer correctly, you live. Who was the killer in horror movie?
Oh, that was easy. It was Bobby and then Kay Ray, the guy who was totally into dudes, even though he claimed he wasn't. Classic 2000s homophobia. But I got you, bitch.
What's wrong? You forgot Special Officer Doofy. Now you die.
Oh my God!
You should probably answer that.
I can literally see you trying to steal my package.
Ow, shit!
That was easy.
Uh, someone to wear snakes. Let's go, Puff.
Wait a sec.
Careful! You wouldn't want to fight any killer.
You are the power to identify as dead!
You...
Stand like...
...a girl.
Come on, girls!
It's a new space shuttle for the most famous killer collection bundles.
This is Kiki West for OnlyFans Rapid News.
Rapid News!
You mean BAPID News!
You don't even have a cameraman!
My equipment!
Excuse me.
Oh my.
You're...
Yes, yes.
Three-time Emmy nominee for Outstanding Achievement and Sensational Reporting.
I was gonna say the lady from Friends, but shorter, plus Botox.
Oh.
Is that what you were gonna say?
Yeah.
You seriously don't know who I am?
Baby girl, I am...
Gail smaller!
Hey.
Hailstorm.
Gail, hail...
Get the hell out of my way!
Dufus?
Hey.
Gail.
You have an extra tag.
You've aged like a million days.
That fish made me cry.
Yeah, your fingers smell like genitals.
What are you doing in that ridiculous uniform?
I'm back on the case.
Yeah, I'm gonna bust a ghost face.
Well, um...
Tell me, Special Needs Officer Doofy.
Ugh.
Um...
Wow.
Are there any suspects in this tragic, yet completely predictable incident?
I hope you're not allowed to say.
No.
No.
No.
No.
Yes, you can.
Yes, you can.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Hey.
Remember when you used to give blowjobs for sensitive information?
I don't give blowjobs anymore, okay?
Not since me, too.
Oh.
Okay.
Sorry.
I give handjobs now, but the story better be good.
Okay, I'll do a handjob.
Let's do it.
Let's do it.
Let's do it.
Shh.
Shh.
Shh.
Shh.
Shh.
Shh.
Shh.
What the...
I'm gonna get you.
Uncle Ray, he's gonna get you.
Ray?
You got my outfit, you little critter.
Maybe weed shouldn't be legal.
Fuck yeah, it should've.
Hello, shorty.
You do know that smoking isn't bad for you.
Actually, weed ain't bad for you.
You got vitamin T, C, and C, and C, and C.
What's the matter, shorty?
You look a little antsy.
Maybe because there's a masked serial killer sipping tea in my den.
Shorty.
You're my nigga.
I mean, friend.
Please.
Sing.
All right.
Do you want to quit smoking?
Do you want to quit smoking?
Do you want to quit smoking?
I'm T, C, and H, C, B, and D.
What's the matter, shorty? You look a little antsy.
Maybe because there's a masked serial killer sipping tea in my den.
Shorty, you're my nigger. I mean, friend. Please, sit.
Alrighty.
Do you want to quit smoking?
Well, to be honest, I tried to quit, but my mother said I ain't raising no quitters.
So I quit quitting.
We can try hypnosis.
Bro, I don't care how many pocket watches you try and wave in front of my face.
It ain't gonna work, son. You can't magnetize me.
Sleep.
Shorty.
What's up?
Tell me about your mother.
Damn, nigga. Let's start with something light.
Like, do you lick ass? Yes or no?
The answer's yes.
So what happened to her, shorty?
It's coming home.
A car was parked on the side of the road.
Someone was in it.
And something bad was happening.
Why did you call anyone?
I couldn't.
I had warrants.
You were eleven.
I started young, nigga.
Oh.
What do you see?
I see a big explosion of water.
Feels like a civil rights hose.
Police said it was a murder or suicide.
Police said it was a murder-suicide.
She killed that man.
When they opened the car door, his little body just slid out.
Like the green nigga in the shape of water.
I just didn't want it to be real.
What don't you want to be real?
That my mother was a squirter!
Okay, she was a squirter.
All the floors in her bedroom was warped.
I can't move.
You're paralyzed now.
Sink into the chair.
No, wait!
Sink!
Oh!
It's gone!
I'm in a chaos!
Sink!
No.
You're in a K-pop hole.
Don't get stuck!
No, I'm in a chair.
Oh!
Oh my god!
I missed the ball.
Now I'm so lonely.
Drown away.
It's feeding me.
Yeah!
You're about to be afraid.
We don't wanna have it, up, up.
Gonna be smoking.
We are about to be talking.
Gonna be gonna be smoking.
Oh, up, up, up.
Gonna be smoking.
Gonna be gonna be smoking.
Gonna be gonna be smoking.
Oh, that dream was wild.
That must've been Elon Musk high.
Mochujashima?
Tuesday?
Tuesday?
Bobby?
Bobby, what the...
She's gonna die.
Our daughter, Sarah? You're probably right.
She's tough, but let's see her get stabbed in the cut.
I'm gonna die.
Bobby, you're already dead.
This hallucination is a manifestation of my own guilt for being an awful mom.
Or it could be the shrooms I just popped.
You're gonna die!
Bitch! You ain't killing me!
You're gonna die.
Stop smiling!
I can't. Boontox.
Hey!
This is the mental ward.
Everyone smiles in here.
What? Oh.
Um, could you point me in the direction of the ICU?
Is it that way or that way?
Uh, visiting hours are over.
Yes, of course.
The network wants me to clarify that Black Friday has nothing to do with race.
Well, just tell that to my black friend, Benita,
who's probably clocking someone over the head of Target as we speak.
Right, Benita?
Come on!
Man, you ain't Micah.
Micah got that Jerry Curl.
What is that, son?
Is that shellac?
See, people think it's shellac, but it's actually sharpie.
All your hair look like Bond do.
It's dirty.
Micah's got a monkey.
I got a llama.
Fuck Micah.
You can't dance, boy.
I'll be practicing.
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Yeah!
Ow!
I can move her.
Ooh!
What is this middle of my mind?
Ow!
Ow!
German.
Coming Juneteenth.
Only on 2B.
I'm a boot like that shit.
Hello?
Fuck this.
I'm gonna miss you all.
Oh, hell no!
These lights don't stop! These lights don't stop!
Oh, God damn it!
Jack, did Sarah tell you to come?
Um, yeah. That's why I'm here. Not to murder you or anything like that.
Then why are you wearing gloves?
Would you believe I am thinking about dressing up as O.J. Simpson for Halloween?
But those fit.
Look out!
Oh, you're cool, bro. You almost hit a face. I mean, no!
I'm gonna get you like a pig!
Hey!
Oh, my gosh.
That was a stupid lie.
That is so true!
What are you gonna do?
They're eating a bacon?
I've gotta get better writers.
I lost my soul! My ribs hurt!
Wait until I stick my knife at him!
I'm gonna go!
I'm crying over here!
I gotta go!
He's going to kill me!
He's gonna kill me!
He's gonna kill me!
I'm gonna die! I lost his cars!
Oh, shit! He's really gonna kill me!
Oh, shit! He's really gonna kill me!
He's really gonna kill me!
No one with their arms!
Oh, shit!
I'm gonna turn you into bacon!
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit!
No!
No!
No!
Excuse me!
Out of our way!
Step aside!
Bishop, please take it!
Your face!
What do you feel like doing that?
Ooh!
Smile, you son of a bitch!
What the?
My psycho mother said
Always keep us straight!
Go!
Go!
I'm gonna go keep your mother in jail!
I'll keep your mother in jail!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Little thumb thumbs.
No.
My finger.
Oh, God.
What the fuck was that?
My ass.
Fuck your ass, horse.
Oh, Jack.
That's my ass.
Any last breath?
I go pooping.
Oh, hell no.
I ain't cleaning up that shit.
I'm on break.
Come on.
I need to kill it, not the queen.
Watch yourself.
Hey, what's up, Jack?
It's your boy Shorty.
That's right.
It's another Halloween-a-thog.
And it's another day of me getting paid mad money
for doing absolutely nothing.
Why you stupid motherfuckers watch out?
Hey, they call me Doug.
I want to give a smooth shout-out to my sponsor,
Angry Orchard Hard Sider.
They got mad apples, son.
We're crazy.
We're marketing genius.
All right.
We want to be a Halloween-a-thog without a dope guest.
He's a legend in the streaming game.
Give it up for Kyle Simmere!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Let's get serious.
What bring you to Jack?
Your brother told me to the movie.
I've been calling you.
You ghosted me.
Well, I thought that was one of my crazy-ass baby mamas.
That's my bad.
Speaking of ghosted.
Somebody must talk to you.
Hello?
What's your favorite scary movie?
Bro, I thought that was one of my crazy-ass baby mamas.
That's... that's my band.
Speaking of ghosting...
somebody was talking to you.
Hello?
What's your favorite scary movie?
We break it in the next time!
What's up, my guy?
You got some angry watcher, hot-sided ass.
Yeah, I'm right.
They got mad apples.
Ohhhh!
What's that?
What's that?
I'm about to do my favorite thing.
Spin the wheel!
There you go again!
We gonna go back there with these noodles,
and we gonna smack the fuck out you!
I mean, you gotta guess who did it.
That doesn't even make sense.
This is a dumb game.
Ohhhh!
God damn it!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Ohhhh!
Hey, hey, hey!
You just killed Casenet?
On the jet?
We make it history, son!
Money, money, money!
It's about time you guys got here.
It's about time you guys got here.
Now you're gonna do it.
So that's our suspect.
It goes by the name Shorthand.
Was the handyman that a house reputed to be haunted in 2001.
Is there anything you're not telling me?
That your wife hates you?
You believe the earth is flat and you voted for Trump three times.
Now what?
I suppose to vote for the woman?
Huh?
I believe Shorthand is the notorious ghost face.
What'd that mouth do?
You did look pretty sketchy.
I got the wrong guy.
You did look pretty sketchy.
I got the wrong guy.
You did look pretty sketchy.
And you know that because you're psychic?
No, so I saw me arrest one.
I got the wrong guy.
And you know that because you're psychic?
And you know that because you're psychic?
No. So I saw him in the restaurant.
I don't know.
That guy's black.
He's kind of not that black.
Like gravy brown.
Hit him with your strong hand!
Arrest him anyway.
Well, I did something, right?
Turn off your body cams!
This hailstorm welcome back.
Doc, I'm begging you.
You gotta help me out younger.
These little bitches are killing me out there.
They're wearing nothing but a sausage casing and a ring light.
Trust me with this
withered, decrepit,
age-ravaged body
and I will make you whole.
One middle-aged white lady special coming right up.
Thanks.
I'm gonna play a quick video on the ins and outs of the procedure
and then we'll get started.
Do you wish you weren't so bold and saggy?
You wish you were younger,
sexier,
fuckable again.
One single injection unlocks your DNA
creating a new,
better you.
This is the stuff.
Doc, this isn't that Gwyneth Paltrow crap
that makes you smell like revanche, is it?
I like it.
I like it.
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh, that's a lot of stuff.
Oh, a mask on a mask.
Safety first, right, huh?
Oh, oh!
Oh!
Oh, no!
Oh, no!
Oh, that is a second thought!
I'm going to love and accept myself after I am!
Ah!
Thank you.
Thank you.
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Oh, what's right, darling...
Ah!
Ah!
Oops, wrong movie.
You were thinking it.
You said white chicks to my ass.
Hey, Sarah.
Tuesday, I tried to visit you.
I am sorry for everything, especially your name.
It was Taco Tuesday.
I was super drunk, but I promise you I will kill this motherfucker.
It's fine, really.
We're cool.
I'm going to take you to the car.
I got stabbed in my death, dumbass.
I'm taking Chew's away from all of this.
I tried to run too, but it follows.
Now you're probably expecting a flashback to that movie, but it's too obscure.
Yeah, and your party's weird.
You have sex with someone, give them an STD, and then they haunt them in the form of their naked grandma.
It's like an STD biopic.
The killer is taunting me.
Why doesn't he just kill us?
Speak for yourself.
What are you waiting for?
Like this.
What are..
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR, HUH??
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
I wish you weren't my mother!
What are you waiting for?
Candyman.
Candyman.
Candyman.
You sure about this?
Yeah. Keep saying it.
Candyman?
Candyman?
Candyman.
So what's up? You got that Candyman?
I got it.
Weed gummies.
Canuts.
And what takes you so long to show up?
Come on, Clarence.
I called you five times.
Nigga, show up in three.
You ain't even called me on the phone.
Lucky I was walking by and heard y'all through the hole in this wall.
Fix that shit.
You shut your ass up.
You need to go to a proctologist and get your skin looked at.
Having acne over the age of 40 is wild work.
I look better than this nigga.
Maybe I'll miss out.
Hey, ain't no time for beating.
We about to be high as fuck.
We gon' party, son!
Happy Halloween, y'all.
Watch out for your face.
That's right.
Take care.
Hi.
I love it.
Look at that.
Look at this.
You seen your sister?
Oh.
Brent, you seen Gay?
I-I-I-I can't find her since you went to that protest.
No.
No.
Brent, let me guess.
You are Woody from Toy Story.
Nah, wouldn't that us a gay?
Jake Gyllenhaal from Brokeback Mountain.
I wish I knew how to quit you, but I can't.
You love that movie!
Hey, Brenda.
Huh?
Have you seen my big old bag of candy?
It had chocolates, gummies, lollipops.
It's gone missing.
No, no, no.
It's not missing.
I passed it out to the trick-or-treaters.
Brenda.
That's my stash.
Ha-ha-ha!
I'm so fucking hot!
Woo-hoo!
I can't feel my face!
Oh, I'm on that large ocean!
write side of You's sort of a coffee-or-treater.
Remember me?
Ha-ha-ha!
I'm so fucking hot!
Ha-ha-ha!
You look super hot!
Woo-hoo!
I can't feel my face!
I'm on that large ocean!
Take seven!
Take seven!
Take seven!
TEEK-EOijleg!
Oh
Why is she looking at me?
I'm a little disturbing.
I'm here for you.
You okay?
Hey!
Do you know how many baby seals die for microplastics?
Shit!
Yes, Godfaces!
My God!
He stabbed her!
Not her!
My pronouns are they them!
He stabbed them!
I'm over 40.
How am I supposed to keep up with all of this?
She's not wrong!
It's Karens like you that keep the patriarchy going with their knees on our necks!
Now you're playing the race card?
I have enough of her shit!
They're shit, bitch!
And to be clear, my real name is Kieran!
Oh shit!
This is too good!
Ignore the insults!
They don't realize we're here to help them!
Toxic masculinity and mansplaining doesn't help anybody!
I love women in sports!
Just not together!
Come here, bitch!
I'm gonna be next!
We ain't ready for this!
We gotta be next!
Fuck you!
Fuck you!
Fuck you!
Fuck you!
Fuck you!
Fuck you!
I'm going mad as fear!
I'm going mad as fear!
I'm going mad as fear!
Uncle Shorty!
What's up, nephew?
Can I ask you something?
Yeah, sure!
It's about, you know, how to go down on a girl!
You talk about eating pussy?
It's so cringe, but yeah!
So maybe if you stop talking like a 14-year-old white girl, you can learn something!
Alright, so listen up!
First thing you gotta do, you gotta, you gotta spread your name, you gotta open it up!
You ain't wanna lose your fingers!
Sometimes you can use two!
You can use two!
You can use two!
Two fingers like that there!
Now, once you get it all in there now, you gotta use your tongue!
You can't be afraid of it!
You can't be afraid of it!
Yeah!
Lean into it!
You can't be afraid of it!
You can't be afraid of it!
You ain't gonna lose your fingers!
You can't be afraid of it!
I mean, lean into it!
You ain't gonna lose your fingers!
Yeah, watch it!
You will!
I mean, if you didn't need to lose your fingers!
But you don't even need so much more!
Well!
You know you do!
No!
Why are you talking about eating pussy?
You aint lean into it.
No, no, no, you doing it too fast.
No, no, no, no, no.
What you a lizard?
You got to be gentle, you got to talk to her.
Hey, you little guy, how you doing?
Boom!
It's like rolling the blunt.
All you got to do, nephew,
is hit that shit.
Got it?
Mm-hmm.
Right now, if you want to learn to lick ass,
that's your mama.
I want to try something. I thought you said you'd never let me peck you. What? No. Relax. I just want to taste you.
Okay. Dinner time. Oh yeah. Come here, baby.
Oh, careful. I'm making a gangster. Oh. Oh. It is gangster. Okay.
He slapped you so hard. He wants some more. Yeah.
You feel so much better than Farrell and them.
Get back in there. Yeah. Lick it. Yeah. Lick it hard.
Finish her.
Just like rolling a blunt.
All I'm going to do is hit it.
Ow!
What the fuck?
Hey there. We heard tell of a Halloween party.
You did now, did you?
We're here to drink. Play bad music. Do some half gay shit.
Why just half gay? Can I help you?
If you just invite us in.
Why do you need an invitation?
Why do folks show up to parties uninvited all the time with their little nasty ass casseroles?
Land is shit. Y'all better start using some loudness.
And why she got them dirty ass feet?
Look like you was walking around porn sets all day.
Got them trailer block toes.
I think you're in the wrong place.
Y'all clean?
No. We believe in music and equality.
How about we show y'all?
It's okay now.
Well, we're moving on up to the east side.
To a deluxe apartment in the sky.
We're moving on up.
They gentrified to Jefferson's.
Wheezy's rolling around in her grave right now.
Can't do this to the Black National Anthem.
Boo?
Ah!
Ah!
Boo!
Ah!
Look at you!
Boo your ass!
Get that bullshit out of here!
Dumb shit!
Why don't y'all just go to one of those frat parties where they drink until they blackout
and wake up with their booties hurting, not knowing what someone in the cowboy hat did
to them?
Yeah!
What?
Okay, well, we will leave you guys alone, but we're going to walk real slow just in case
y'all change your minds.
Change your minds yet?
No.
Hell no.
How about now?
No.
No.
Yes?
Hell no.
No.
Keep walking.
Now get it.
Let's go.
Go.
Sarah, come on.
All right, folks, it's getting weird.
Guys, I think I saw an open window over here.
That window's closed.
Not for long.
Wicked.
God, you fucking idiots.
Hey, Tuesday, you came back.
Yeah, I left my inhaler.
Honestly, Tuesday, I thought inhaler was the worst pot device in every history.
That's true.
Should have been in vain.
But we're here now, so let's make the most of it.
Now where's the white closet?
Woo!
Sarah?
Hello.
Get your sister and get out of there right now.
Okay, hon?
I am a grown-ass woman.
Mother, I don't have to do anything you tell me to do.
That's the house where your psychopath killed those people.
Someone wanted to get you there.
Which means someone wants to get me there.
Oh, my God.
This isn't about you.
Why are you doing it?
Because you are so fucking far away.
Wait, hold on.
Are you tracking my phone?
Shh.
You're breaking up.
Uh, yeah.
Shh.
Happy birthday.
What the fuck?
Help!
I'm sorry.
I thought I was supposed to smoke it.
Oh, shit.
Seriously?
With the 12 Years of Slave shit?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I didn't see that movie, okay?
I just found this thing in the shed.
Jeez.
Come on, bro.
That's even worse.
I didn't mean it that way.
Some of my best victims are black.
And another brother falls victim to gun violence.
Turns out race is still an issue.
That's not fair.
You know black guys usually die first in horror movies.
Yeah.
Just give a whole new meaning to Dead by Daylight.
Yeah.
Oh.
Get off.
Goofy ass out of here.
Oh.
Hello, shorty.
Get him in there.
Ah.
Got the silly ass.
You're about to be high as fuck.
I'm for fuck.
Get off.
You're the motor upside down.
Get off.
Goofy ass out of here.
Oh.
Goofy ass out of here.
Oh.
Hello, shorty.
Oh.
Get him in there.
Ah.
Got the silly ass.
You're about to be high as fuck.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, the other motor's upside down.
You fucking idiot!
Game on, bitchy!
Black Lives Matter!
Not you, Shorty!
I need you!
Whoa, what's going on?
Oh, Jack!
Oh, thank God you're here! Where were you?
Uh, Gooseface was just here!
I was just outside getting some fresh air.
Stop!
One of you is the killer.
Bella?
Why do you have blood on your hands?
I found Brad outside.
She's the killer!
I am NOT the killer!
I'm not even sex positive!
I'm a virgin!
No way!
You're being like every dude in Woodsville.
Fuck you!
The butt doesn't count.
Shit, you sonnet!
Welcome to Act 3, bitches.
What?
What does that even mean?
It's when the shit goes down.
Oh.
I still don't really know what she means, but I think we should run!
Oh, no!
Oh, no!
Oh my God!
Oh!
Oh my God!
Brianna?
Crianna!
Brenda!
You think I am going to shoot.
You think it's a while.
I blame it on video games, not the liquor or lack of parental supervision.
You're gonna need this.
Do you have one bigger in black?
Oh, right. Beg.
Who? Who are you? John Wick?
I would've said ballerina, but nobody saw that shit.
Let's do this.
Okay.
Tell me! I bet we're not making it, please.
What do you think?
I think Drake lost to Kendrick.
I still like Drake, but what was up with that lawsuit?
That's such a bitch-ass move.
About this situation.
Oh, that's definitely a trap.
She don't know where we are to be here, doesn't it?
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Whoa!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Come on!
Bitch!
I'm not dead yet!
Oh...
My bad.
I'm sorry.
Now, you go back in there.
Finish it.
For me, Cindy.
I would do anything for you, Brenda.
Brenda.
Yes! She bought it!
That old catch-up trick, it don't fail.
That bitch is crazy if she thought I was taking my black ass back in there.
Attention all killers!
You have five seconds to show yourselves!
Oh!
Shorty!
Bitch!
You shot my favorite ball!
Go find your old damn closet!
Sorry!
Hello, Cindy.
Hello.
Looks like you forgot the first rule of surviving a horror movie.
Never. Answer the phone.
I thought the first rule was never trust the love interest.
Really?
Well, I'm changing rules. How about that?
New rule.
Go fuck yourself.
Wait, wait!
Oh! Why do you eat closets so much?
I told you to come out.
Yeah, well, I didn't want to get shot!
Ironic, isn't it?
You missed me, bitch!
Oh, God, it's Mooseface!
It's a tunnel loop.
It means you're John Wick acting like I killed your dog!
The dog is just a metaphor.
It was about losing his wife!
Are you sure it's not an hour boy?
No!
No, dad!
No, I'm not gonna get me.
No!
No!
No!
No!
Let us begin.
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
No!
Oh, that stunt girl looks good.
Eat a dick.
Shoot him, Sarah. End this.
Don't tell me what to do!
This isn't the best time to resolve our mommy-daughter issues, but...
Sarah, I am so sorry. I have been a terrible mother.
I don't even know your sister Wednesday.
Oh, Tuesday.
Have to clarify that for legal reasons.
But I prepared you for this.
So go on, baby. You kill him.
Sarah!
Sarah!
Jack!
Sarah!
Oh, Jack!
Sarah!
Sarah!
Sarah!
Thank God you're okay, because I really wanted to be the one who-
Oh, take it, baby.
See, I told you it was about me.
No, Sarah.
You were just a bitch.
It's about her.
Fuck!
Oh, sorry, honey. I hate being right.
You should've listened to Doofy.
The love interest.
It just seemed too obvious, you know?
Which makes you think it is not obvious the same page I am on.
Yeah, well, that's the twist!
Now get in the kitchen. Go!
Hey!
Okay, listen up!
See, there hasn't been a great horror movie since the first one.
We're gonna save the franchise.
Go get our special guest star.
Hollywood!
Out of ideas!
Why else would there be a scary movie six?
But it wouldn't work with just the new characters, would it?
We need the legacy characters.
Oh!
And there wouldn't be a city without her sassy black sidekick, Brenda.
You ain't have to say black with no hard B like that.
Brenda, didn't you get shot?
Did I?
Oh!
Wait, Andy!
Oh, look!
That didn't heal me!
Oh!
What'd he do?
Stop dancing!
Stop dancing!
Everybody stop dancing!
Oh!
Mom!
No!
You called me Mom!
You care about me!
Well, I wouldn't go that far, but...
Sure.
Go get Tuesday!
Okay, ladies!
Time to stage the party!
Let's go!
Let's go!
Let's go!
Let's go!
What?
Who are you people?
We're the motherfuckers that are taking over this franchise.
Oh, yeah?
Okay!
That was not part of the playoff!
Oh my God!
Neither was this.
Wait!
We got one of those!
Whoa!
Hot damn!
Hey, Anthony Anderson!
Yeah!
And I brought my boy Kevin Hart with!
What?
Shock?
That's right.
On my knees, I'm the same height as Kevin.
And Kevin said no.
Kevin Hart said no?
That little motherfucker says yes to everything.
Yeah, he does.
But wait.
There's more.
Shorty!
Bitches!
Great! Shorty!
Yeah, that's right.
Four black killers.
We're making history.
It's a new definition of black excellence.
But why would you do this?
The question is, why would you try to make a sequel without us, huh?
Yeah.
When the studio wanted to replace these brothers, I was there.
That's facts.
What about me?
What about you?
You were in one scene in part four.
Yes, but I made that motherfucker Dr. Phil cut his foot off.
And he crazy names.
Yeah, he got weird.
But you see what they trying to do?
They trying to pit us all up against each other.
They trying to stop black on very black crime.
That's right.
Yo, Shaq.
Hey, I'm proud of you, bro.
You've had an amazing career as a sports commentator since retiring from basketball.
Mm-hmm.
And I love the big podcast, nigga.
I love that shit.
Even if I don't understand the words you be saying, you be on that show and tell me,
alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright.
Kobe, enough.
Enough.
But my point is, nigga, I love your shit.
But I never got over Kazam.
Hey, look at your big ass.
Why, baby, that movie, too?
Why, these are bitches.
You and Kobe would have had nine flicks.
That motherfucker traded me.
Shaquille.
How big is your butt?
Then how big is your dick?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Say.
Horse.
What the fuck you talking about?
I'm doing it for the culture.
What culture?
Culture club.
Come on, Ray, we're killing people.
Stay focused.
All right, all right, we're back.
Hey, don't you worry.
We family.
And my respect.
Hey, black is nominated for eight Emmys.
My nigger.
Actually, the show was only nominated for five.
I was nominated for eight.
But you never won.
But you never won.
What?
It's...
And two percent.
Don't be Spanish to me, motherfuckers.
This is for doing scary movies playing for.
I didn't know they fired the family.
And this is for copying our good time episode on blackish.
But you guys were on the WB.
Nobody saw that shit.
No, no, no.
And you.
And you.
Y'all went and did scary movies three and four without us.
Baby, I'm sorry.
They offered me so much money.
I got a new house, a new car.
I got wings that don't each.
What about you?
Well, I had a chance to work with the incomparable Charlie Shane.
That's good.
He's a legend.
And his dick game is crazy.
You know, he slept with 47,000 women.
And a thousand of them women were dudes.
Lucky guy.
Wait.
So y'all gonna kill us now?
Nah.
I don't want Halloween B without Jamie Lee Curtis.
Or Scream B without Nev Kim.
That would be Scream 6.
How did you guys pull all of this off?
Sandy.
You know how many wings is there off?
It's a billion.
Billions.
I'm just so happy that the old gang is back together.
Okay.
In the middle.
On three.
Core four.
Oh, nah, nah.
That's core.
That's why.
What about the young and the restless?
Yeah, or the old and then the beautiful.
Or the cute and the crusty.
Yeah, or the sexy and then the scenery.
We were brought in to take over the franchise.
That's right.
He was like 70 years old.
I should drag that one to my subway.
Oh, my back hurts.
Guys.
Guys.
They're already dead.
Nah.
Little fuckers always come back.
Oh, no.
Not this time.
Exactly.
Come on, man.
Let's go.
Let's go.
We gotta manage.
That's right.
That's right.
Next generation, my man.
We're all the kids.
Wait, wait, wait.
Wait.
Do we feel bad?
I mean, those are our kids.
Fuck those kids.
This is our franchise!
Yeah, besides, we can do all these dramatic walkaways
with the fire in back of us.
Damn, it's hot.
I don't know.
I kind of like it.
You do, Ray?
We should play a fireman.
You wanna dress up like a fireman?
No, I want you to dress up like a fireman.
You don't mean that.
Yeah, I feel a dram.
Bigger than ever, we back!