Schnick Schnack Schnuck (2015) Movie Script

A lovely summer morning
in a picturesque country scenery.
Better still, it's the weekend!
Peace, leisure and nature's delights
are just too tempting.
But, alas, the moment comes
when the city calls again...
and it is time to bid farewell.
Emmi and Felix are no exception here.
Ever-industrious Emmi stays at home.
May the rest of the world be lazy,
she will still dutifully
complete her chores.
But Felix, too,
will not be absent for too long.
One thing is for certain:
You can get the guy out of the village
but you will never get
the village out of the guy.
At least he is well equipped
with the necessary refreshments.
You got everything?
I think so.
Did you pack the lunch box?
Of course!
There's veggie sandwiches.
Yummy. I love those.
I know.
Well then, have a great week-end
with french fries and rock'n'roll.
Really: I am SO thrilled.
Fraktus are gonna be awesome.
- And give Kai a hug.
- Will do.
And don't overdo it with, you know...
And don't you...
Naaah. But I have to grade
those exams at some point.
What is it, anyway?
French and Music class?
Only French.
Mmmh French.
My foxy French teacher.
I'll be thinking of you now and then.
Only now and then?
Yeah right... As if Felix had time
to think of his beloved at a festival.
This is Felix' best friend Kai.
He's always coming late...
well - to appointments, that is
and if anything, he is one sly old dog.
Anyway, the ladies love him.
- Hey, what's up?
- You are pretty damn late, man!
I'm really sorry man.
But first I screwed up my bike...
and then I screwed this girl!
Dude. Are you kidding me?
SWEAR that's what happened!
See, me and the guys were out last night.
Just a couple beers, y'know.
Then we met that girl and
you know how it goes.
Shut up already.
Let's just get going!
Whoa, whoa wait!
So, I was on my way through the park,
everything perfectly on schedule.
That girl, Nazran, or was it Nazen?
I went home from her place, got my stuff
and made sure those tickets were safe.
Cause you don't wanna lose them, right!
Then on to Lena's - she says hi -
to pick up Karsten our camping stove.
Weather is fine, sun is shining,
headphones on full blast,
everything under control, I rule!
Then suddenly, right out of the blue...
There's this girl!
Next thing, I just banged into her.
Oh fuck! Shit!
Are you fucking nuts?!
Her anger is quite justified.
Steffi isn't usually the kind of girl
who is easily thrown off balance.
Erm, I'm so sorry!
Are you hurt?
Nah, I'm fine. But my butt hurts.
That's going to be one giant bruise.
Um, any chance I can make up for that?
Why don't you blow me.
Maybe we should swap numbers?
By the way, I'm Kai. Hello!
Hi Kai. But don't get your hopes up:
You're just a rebound
and I'm gonna need some more.
Huh? What are rebounds?
Obedient men who I
have sex with only once
to forget my shitty ex-lover.
Whaa? No, I wanted your number
cause I wrecked your bike.
If you like, I can fix it.
Alright, then.
Gimme your phone!
So it's Steffi.
Oh shit, this late already!?
I have to catch a train!
I gotta go.
The bikes are over there!
Where are you headed?
I have to go to Amsterdam!
Okay, maybe I overdid it a little
with that exit. But you know me...
plus I didn't want
to leave you waiting.
And as I was pushing
my bike out of the bushes...
No way, Kai!
You're making this up!
And the weather isn't
nearly as sunny.
That's just a tiny cloud -
the sun always shines in Cologne, right?
Ey Mister Rebound, you forgot
your jacket. Is that your usual style?
Hey, that's her.
- Who?
- That girl from the park!
So what? Doesn't matter!
And she's got our tickets.
Why does she
have the tickets,
goddamnit Kai, no way!
The tickets were in my jacket
and she's got the jacket.
Man and we were late already!
Ok, listen. What we do is:
We'll just take the next train
and right now we'll go get those tickets.
Come on, Felix!
We'll just leave a little later!
Well if this isn't
just going perfectly well!
Let's have a look if at least
Emmi is acting according to plan.
Oh no, Emmi!
Not the internet!
Well, well, well.
What has Felix been up to?
What, really?!
If this isn't Magda!
Are you talking about Emmi's number one
fellow troublemaker back in school?
I recall just too well that incident
with the roller skates and the eggplant.
Ah, well.
Those were the days...
Hi Magda, it's Emmi!
Long time no see!
Hey is that you on a cat picture
on the internet, all naked?!
Hey, Emmykins!
Great to hear from you!
Yup, that's me alright!
Sexy, isn't it?
Did you upload that on purpose?
Well, not really.
Quite a long story.
And before I get sore from typing,
let's have a talk on phone soon.
It's high time, anyway -
after all those years!
Okay, now you've got
me all curious. Bye!
See ya!
So, nice to have you here, guys!
Hot, isn't it?
Maybe a refreshing drink
to keep your blood flowing?
Definitely yes!
Actually, we only wanted to get
the tickets really quickly.
But Felix, just look at this delicious
fruit punch. That's just what we need!
Would the both of
you like some fruit?
- Maybe just a little...
- Here, have one!
- Bottoms up, then?
- Bottoms up! Cheers!
Come on Felix!
What is it with you!?
He's no good at drinking any more,
he'll even sip a shot, like, forever!
What's your problem?
This stuff is so delicious,
you have to savour it.
That's right!
What is going on here?!
Steffi will not turn Felix' head
as well, will she?
So what do you do for a living?
I'm a software engineer.
And what does a software
engineer do all day?
Well, I do applications for banks
which run in the background
while you withdraw some cash.
That's awesome! Can't you do something
so I can get more money?
Naah, people always ask that, but
due to quality assurance that's impossible.
Come on! You do the coding,
you gotta be able to do that!
Nope. There are like several other people
double-checking my shit and...
- What?
- Dude!
This is Anke.
The colour tells it all:
Anke is, of course, drinking
soy milk!
So, do you girls
have any plans for tonight?
Kai! We are STILL
going to that festival, man!
I want to see Fraktus and eat french fries!
Come on, Felix,
we can just as well go tomorrow.
Yeah, good plan! You go tomorrow.
We're going to the lake now.
Come on ... Felix!
Alright but we're taking the train
tomorrow morning at 9:30!
Yes, awesome!
Isn't that's just great!
While things seem to get
totally out of hand for the boys
Emmi is back on track!
Or is she?!
No, Emmi!
Not the phone!
- Yeah?
- Hi! It's me.
- Who's there?
- It's Emmi.
I decided to give you a call,
having nothing to do and all.
Am I interrupting something?
No, not at all.
I'm just having sex
with my boyfriend and this other guy.
Hey, you still there?
Too much information for you?
That never used to be an issue back then.
Good to hear your voice again.
Well, yes, um...
Wait a second,
my boyfriend is too loud.
Would you pipe down, please?
I'm on the phone.
- Okay.
- Thanks.
If you like, why don't you join us.
Join you?!
Here, listen.
Emmi? Are you still there?
Uh, Magda! What was THAT right now?!
Seriously, I just wanted to know
about that picture and the cat.
Well, my dear, I think
you'll just have to come visit me.
Then I'll just drop by tomorrow.
I don't feel like grading
any more papers, anyway.
Well that was easy!
What is Felix up to these days?
Very good question indeed, Magda!
Right now he is raptly listening
to Steffis number one topic.
How do you do it? That bloody bastard!
First he fucks that ugly bitch
at the gym, then you find out,
then he doesn't have
the balls to admit it,
and then it's just shouting,
fighting, texting and crying,
it just makes you wanna puke!
So I dumped him
and now everything is just cool.
I'm free to fool around, aren't I.
Yeah, I can picture that.
Yeah, can't you just, Felix!
You know what: I'm picturing it right now.
After the last round of fucking
I was so glad to get rid of that guy.
But I need at least 5 rebounds
after him. Kai was number 3.
You're counting?! Are you 16 or what?
Counting, shmounting!
Up to 3 is really not a lot.
10 and up, I'll get
a little black book.
- Seriously, that guy was total fail, Effi!
- Yup. A real jerk, right?
Yes, and all the time I had
to listen to that quacking.
Your ex-boyfriend, the duck.
Is Steffi telling that
duck-dick-story again?
Morning Normen!
Never heard that one before...
- Who's this?
- Him? He's our roomate.
And what about that duck-dick-story?
Ah, that's a funny one!
Because Anke found The bizarre Sex-Life
of Animals on her parents' bookshelf.
She gave it to me as
a birthday present.
And it says that some
ducks' penisses can be
up to 40 cm long and are
twisted like a corkscrew.
Me, I wouldn't fancy
a giant corkscrew cock!
But those fuckers just screw
that thing in by sheer force. Ugh!
But: Those ducky-pussies have
some kind of built-in blind alley
that can be opened and closed.
Lovely little example
of feminist resistance, so to say.
An when duck dude has screwed
his thing in he doesn't even notice
that insemination
is not an option anymore.
Tough luck, sucker!
Well, I told Normen about that
but he just can't handle it.
And Anke was totally
terrified and wanted us
to do something about it,
like collect signatures or so
because this is totally...
Fucking sexist duck shit!
- Cool.
- So! Now off to the lake, shall we?
Well, I usually say vulva.
Vulva?! Absolutely not!
Sounds like talking to a doctor!
Well Emmi just calls it Mumu.
I think that's sweet.
Sweet, alright. That's just cute.
- Yeah, just like the two of you, Felix.
- What's that supposed to mean?!
Just like my grandpa.
He used to say cherry.
But that sounds
just like 70s porn!
Whoa, Steffi!
Well whatever...
What's going on with this guy?
I hardly recognise him!
Well that reminds me of last year!
I went swimming with these guys,
had a really good time.
Plus: we were all super-naked!
So what?
And then we all made out,
it was awesone!
Great porn tale
you're trying to tell me.
- Welcome to Porntopia!
- What, Pornotopia?
Yeah, Marcuse said that you have to
classify pornography the right way
and not confuse it with real sex.
Because it's media-translated sexuality
and completely different from real life.
Okay, so...?
Porn doesn't know negative feelings.
No "not in the mood", no jealousy,
all bodies fit each other,
everyone wants everybody all the time.
Those bodies are
always ready, always willing...
So basically it's just like us right now?
We've been together for 10 years now.
That's quite a long time.
I can't even begin to imagine.
That's just not for me!
Well, we're getting along just great
and the best thing is:
If you've known each other for so long,
you can just READ the other person.
- So everything it's rather perfect...
- But?
There is no "but".
Lucky you, then! We had a lot of "but".
Lots of shit going on from the start.
But you try because you want to
and you think it's got to work someday.
But now I'm just glad
to be rid of that guy.
I think what scares me most
would be not being with Emmi any more.
I also fear being in that
relationship forever, though.
What more could come from it?
Well the grass is alway
greener on the other side, right?
What's that supposed to mean?
Snitched Garments?
Stolen clothes!?
It certainly will not alarm these people.
The remains are shared
in harmony and mixed with confident style.
Now there's something
to tell your grandkids, Kai!
Hey, slow it down a little!
- Here!
- Awsome!
Wait a sec. What are you doing?
I'm like, doing my job!
No no no, Kai.
Your job is the blowjob.
No way!
Now if that isn't
working out just wonderfully.
Well, let us see what Steffi and Felix
are up to in the meantime.
What is it?
I think I'm a tad too drunk.
From all that radish and cucumber, or what!?
They are kicking in badly.
You know what: I'll just quickly
get us some anti-hangover-potion.
Those two there, who are they?
Those are my two sweethearts, my lovers.
- Both of them?
- Yup! Both of them.
We're having a menage a trois.
Like, a real relationship between three?
And which one is your boyfriend?
- Well, simply both of them.
- Like, serious boyfriends?
- Like, serious boyfriends.
- And you love them both?
I love them both but in different ways.
But if I like a girl
I want her all for myself!
But that's just so possessive to think.
I want to set both of
them free, they should
be able to do what they want.
And me, too.
- Hi!
- Hello.
- Does Magda live here?
- That's right.
- Bye Roman.
- See you!
You must be Emmi, then.
- Magda already said you'd be coming.
- Um, yes.
So we know each other
from the phone yesterday, right.
Come in!
I was just on my way
to get some breakfast.
Magda is still sleeping,
but just wake her up.
And could I perhaps borrow
some money for the breadrolls?
Yes of course.
- Cool, thanks. I'll be back in a minute.
- See you!
Why are you shaking me like that?
My brains are falling out.
- Emmi! How lovely!
- Hey there!
Had a rough night or what?
Well I don't usually get up this early.
Hello there!
Mademoiselle Schmidt!
You certainly kept your good looks!
Thank you.
Let me just freshen up a little
and then I'll tell you
all about that cat picture.
Hold on right there!
That's a little too fast for me.
Now what is it with
that cat picture, Magda?
Oh right. Well ...
There was this guy Peter
from the community garden.
I always thought he was kinda hot.
So we had sex.
But after a while he wanted me
to do all those cat things.
Like miaowing, scratching,
arching my back and licking my paws.
First it was fun
but at some point I lost interest.
But then there were still
all those pictures of me on the web
and now Peter is having a guilty conscience
and keeps giving me free veggies.
And that's the whole story.
He's really weird.
Do you remember these lists we made?
- Oh god, yes! The make-out charts?
- Yeees!
- Who did we write down anyway?
- Sascha, remember?
- Tobias, Matthias, Paul.
- Right!
Plus the blowjob class!
- Cheers!
- Cheers.
Hello Olaf!
Well if that wasn't a successful
reunion for the two of you.
I think I'll get dressed now.
Wait! Let's do the opposite.
Performing an act of solidarity, Olaf?
- Hello.
- Hi.
Now let's have breakfast.
I could do with some strong coffee.
How about you?
- Definitely.
- Yes, me too.
So? How did it go with you?
It's been so very hot!
I tell you, I had a really
naughty tingling in my coochie.
And when we came home it
totally just burst out of us.
We dragged each other to the bed,
ripping our clothes off.
Oh, and he grabbed
my hips this certain way,
I really love that,
and he lifted me onto the bed...
We should put up signs in the flat:
"Danger - hot roommates!"
Oh, and he licked me, full treatment.
And I have this new strap-on
and at first I thought he's just
this straight dimwit and he won't do it.
But I think he was really into it, then.
And me, I got off just looking down.
The view is quite hot, really...
How about you?
Weeell. We didn't get off to a good start.
- What do you mean?
- He didn't get a hard-on.
I wanted him so badly
but it didn't work out.
Well, shit happens.
It was a little cute, though.
But maybe we can make up for that.
Maybe I'll just go wake him up.
Or do you think that's weird,
with Emmi and all?
Come on, Effi! You started this yesterday.
You gotta finish what you started.
Right you are!
Look who's up already.
Good morning!
Morning Kai!
That doesn't sound like
we're gonna catch that train.
Well, I think it sounds very good.
Are you in for a second round?
I'd love to, but no time for that.
I'm meeting up with
Janosch and Maike to go riding.
But isn't that a little weird
for you anyway,
me and your roommate,
in the park and all.
We're very socialist about that.
- And about your roommate, what's his name?
- Normen.
Right. If he should ever move out,
may I move in with you then?
Don't think so. Normen is never
going to leave, he's been living
here for like 50 years.
He's permanent, he won't go!
You got a toothbrush for me?
You don't have one? I thought
you were going to that festival.
Well, no. I never bring one:
It's the perfect pick-up line!
Well, here's Normen's.
Are we living it up tonight? A friend
of mine is throwing a killer party.
Effi wants to go, too.
Killer party sounds fun, I'm coming.
Sounds like Felix is coming as well.
Wonder what Felix is doing.
I'm feeling a little guilty.
What, why?
So far we just made out a little.
So far? I'd be
totally jealous if I were him.
And making out is cheating, too!
What rules do the two
of you have, anyway?
Just the usual. Standard procedure.
What is standard, then?
We don't make out with other people.
I mean, it did happen...
But I felt terribly guilty, thinking:
This is just wrong, poor Felix!
Sitting at home
waiting for me and I'm
at this party kissing this other guy.
- How about you?
- We started out with the usual, too.
But then we loosened it bit by bit.
And then we started looking
for some additional fun.
So you just settle that
between you two?
- Yeah, exactly.
- Who can do what with whom and when?
It's not like we're
completely free of jealousy.
But it's partly my decision
what details I want to hear from Magda.
But what if you fell
madly in love with someone else?
Well I fall in love easily because
I think they are hot or fascinating.
But usually that's just silly hormones!
And I'd say it's usually
more dangerous for a relationship
if you don't let your partner
have that experience.
You think?
I'd be crazy with jealousy Magda!
It's has a lot to do with trust.
Plus I like to just get
out for a while,
go to a pub or some party
and see who digs me.
It feels great and it brings back that...
feeling in the pit of your stomach!
- May I have a carrot, please?
- Of course.
Abacadabra - before you know it, it's night!
And Felix, Kai, Steffi and Anke
are on their way to the party,
full of greatest expectations.
First, let's have a beer!
Schnick, schnack, schnuck!
Whoops, sorry!
Allow me to introduce
this evening's host. This is Magda!
Welcome at The Golden Age!
This is all your doing?
You don't look like that.
Why? Just because
I don't have a dick or what?
What is this place, anyway?
Well, honey, THIS place has potential.
Lots of it!
I see.
I've never been to a place like this
but I think I like it.
- Nice company, great music.
- And it's getting even better!
Indeed it is!
But first let's have a look at Emmi
who has certainly made it home again
and is now busy grading papers.
Or is she!?
- Hello!
- Hi.
My, you're looking snazzy,
serious and elegant...
- Thank you.
- ...and your breasts, um...
Sorry, clumsy me!
Well thanks for helping me choose.
I was going to wear the pink one anyway.
I really do admire your boobs.
I don't have a lot to offer boob-wise.
But your hair is more beautiful.
And let's not even start
a dick-measuring contest.
- See you later?
- Yeah, see you!
- Later, then.
- Bye.
- Can I borrow your wig?
- Why's that?
- Don't ask! The guys, um, my boyfriend...
- Boys, I get it.
There you go!
Everyone needs a little makeover
now and then.
That's much better!
- Sweetie, there you are!
- Magda!
I've got two friends with me
I'd like you to meet.
They are bringing two
hot boys as well.
Whoops, why did you steal
poor Stella Starlet's wig?
Magda! One of those hotties
is my boyfriend!
Seriously? Wow!
Then let's show him what a hot girl you are.
I've got an idea, watch me!
Emmi and Magda, those two
rascals have a way
to sneak their way out of
every awkward moment.
Just like that one time
with the police and the manure truck.
There's no way he's gonna
recognise you now.
Remember last time?
Yes, I do.
- Remember? Are we gonna go again?
- Yes, let's.
- Where are they headed?
- Over there? No idea.
Man, if I tell Lena what's going in here,
she'll never believe me. Crazy!
Dude, what the hell IS this?
Best party in town, I'd say.
- Did you see that?
- What?
That sailor just totally
grabbed my ass!
I don't know what to make of that.
- Come on, let's have a drink.
- Good thinking.
Hey, you guys look
like you need one.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome. Have a good time!
- Here's to you, bro.
- Cheers!
Oh boy, oh boy.
And the both of you
go off to play right now!
Here you go boys. Enjoy!
- You're next!
- And what exactly am I supposed to do?
We're playing "Rock, paper, scissors".
And I just lost.
For the next round
I may pick a new playmate.
The deal: Make the guitar player
lose his composure.
- I'm in.
- Okay, let's go!
Now let us have a go.
- Okay.
- Loser gets naked!
- Only if I get to keep my mask and my wig.
- Deal!
- Now I'm gonna play with you!
- Okay.
Loser has to make out
with that friend of yours.
- But he's my best friend.
- Let's go then!
Now let's see something here!
- No copping out!
- Yeah, go!
Go on!
No way!
Dafuq, Emmi!
What are you doing here?
And why aren't you in Amsterdam?
Well Kai crashed his bike!
I see, that's why you had to come
to a sex party, of course.
But you're here as well!
Yeah, but I just wanted
to see an old friend from school.
And that's why you started
screwing around here?
I did not!
I just played along
because I recognised you.
Did you have a lovely weekend,
with Kai and these girls?
Listen, sweetheart, you clearly
came here with a plan.
- So now watch this!
- What?!
A perfect, balmy summer night
full of urban merriment.
and even better:
it's still week-end!
Excitement, adventure and cutural offers
are awaiting you here.
But, alas, the moment comes when
the countryside calls.
It is time to bid farewell then,
just like Emmi and Felix are doing here.
Life is crazy.
Just what exactly did we do?
I don't know. We both cheated somehow...
and I didn't even have a reason.
My neither.
And I definitely didn't have this planned.
But it's still been
quite exciting, somehow.
I don't know.
But after all it's still a whole
different thing with you
and I'm really glad
to have you back.
And now let's just head home, alright?
Yeah, okay!
But we need to talk about this again.
What we're gonna do now and stuff.
Who knows? Maybe we could have
a party like that in our village.
I have to admit, I've always had
a tiny crush on that girl from the bank.
You have? Same here!
And let's invite that guy
from the supermarket as well!
Okay, it's a deal!
Well, doesn't that sound just awesome.
Maybe Kai will bring
his new friends, too!
As for me, I'll be there most definately!
Alright so first you have to act really upset,
then happy and then horny!
- So you always tell him everything?
- Well, you can't do that...
- Yes you can!
- Really?
Of course! I always tell Magda everything!
- It's so obvious!
- Damn it!
So you just go on as long as you like.
And we'll stop if you're not into it anymore.
Or are you fed up already?
- Were fine.
- Quite good actually.
Alright then!
This stupid painting fell off again!
Janosch I hope you're shooting Paul's butt, too!
- Well, I can do that.
- Yes please!
It's for my personal collection.
Very nice!
You have to move down a little,
I have to come forward.
Fucking telephone receiver!
Emmi, you still there??
- Sweat?
- Enough sweat, Maike?
Sorry, but it's all gone.
Sorry, but this needs to be done. Alright now!
Well done, Maike!