Sci-Fi Vixens from Beyond (2024) Movie Script
1
(dramatic orchestral music)
(dramatic orchestral music continues)
(dramatic orchestral music continues)
(air swooshing)
(air swooshing)
- The spaceship has entered
the star system, Professor.
- Very good.
I want to show you something.
- Yes, sir.
- You should be very fortunate
that we're affording you this opportunity.
- Yes, Professor Zarren.
- Just look at your
grades from last semester.
Ordinarily, we would
merely expel a student
who had done so poorly.
- I understand.
- If you wish to earn
your master's degree,
you're going to have to
do some extra credit.
- What would that be?
- You're going to write
a 100,000 word paper
on human cultural relations.
- Yes, sir.
- That will barely get you a passing mark.
And to do that, we're going
to give you the opportunity
to visit Earth itself.
- Oh!
- Let me show you something.
This is Earth.
A very backwards planet.
But I'm sure you'll discover
that for yourself, in time.
Come with me.
(soft uplifting music)
Earth, as you know, or perhaps you don't,
is entirely unaware of life
on planets other than its own.
- Gosh!
- With that in mind,
you're not going to be able
to reveal where you're from,
or any of your special abilities.
- But what abilities do I have
that the Earthlings don't?
- You never really study, do you?
We will be implanting that information,
along with your cover story,
into your mind with this.
(device beeping)
(upbeat music)
(guns firing)
- Welcome to California.
Body bouncin', hands are pounding
We're rollin', let's go outta control
Decapitation and mutilation
- Pinch me and tell me I'm dreaming!
Wet bodies clingin' in the sand
And hands
Slammin'
Pineapple tiki lamps
Everybody- (indistinct)
(funky music)
(spaceship engine roaring)
(passenger screaming)
(air swooshing)
- Do you see that?
- Do not start with that
UFO stuff again, man.
It's too kooky.
- Be still my beating heart.
Monsters
On the beach.
Monsters
On the beach
Monsters
On the beach
Mom, I'm going dancing
(upbeat synth music)
(dram banging)
(upbeat synth music continues)
(dram banging)
(dram banging)
(dram banging)
(air swooshing)
(spaceship engine roaring)
(ominous music)
- I think we're lost.
- Not just lost.
We're in the damn twilight zone.
(ominous music continues)
- [Alien] I hope to understand
your reproductive process.
- You guys were abducted by an alien
and had an orgy up in his ship?
(ominous music)
- There's a Class 12 asteroid
on a collision course with Earth.
We're talking an extinction level event.
- [Alana] The asteroid you detected
is going to crash into this planet
causing the destruction of your world.
- But if we don't find a
planet to colonize soon,
our whole race could become extinct.
- Dara and I are from a planet
you know as Alpha Centauri.
- [Earthling] You're aliens?
- [Alana] Yes.
- [Dara] Hurry.
There's not much time.
(gun firing)
(explosion booming)
(upbeat music)
- You've just passed the
outer edges of the galaxy
and we'll be at our final destination
within a couple of hours.
- Your mission success
is vital to every woman
on (indistinct).
(groovy music)
(machine booming)
- You have experience with them?
- I've had some experience.
(electricity buzzing)
(electricity buzzing)
(explosion booming)
(dramatic music)
- We must capture the greatest minds
in all of earth science in
order to ensure our success.
(dramatic music)
- This young lady-
- Erica.
- Says that there are
aliens out of a comic book
running amok in the city
and kidnapping our
great female scientists.
(dramatic music)
- Super ninja doll.
Go.
- Whoa.
(dramatic music continues)
- Step aside, Earthlings.
We only want the nuclear tuna fish lady.
She is a powerful enemy.
- Would you have sex with that?
- In a heartbeat.
- Ah, that makes two of us.
(tense music)
- [Announcer] The Space
Administration has just reported
that an unknown interstellar mass
has entered our solar system.
- [Galaxian Computer]
Initiating teleportation
of live earth species now.
- What kind of business could
you possibly have with me?
- [Galaxian Computer] Each
year we produce a calendar
featuring the most beautiful
women of our star system.
We would like you to be
our new photographer.
(tense music continues)
- Yeah.
It was just like in Star Trek.
- Have you two been drinking?
(bright music)
(device beeping)
- Got it.
- Now, that will give you
the basic understanding
of human behavior,
but your report is going to
have to be much more detailed.
- Right, Professor, I won't let you down.
- I'm sure you won't.
Now step into the transport tube.
(footsteps shuffling)
I'll expect regular
reports on your progress.
- Yes, sir.
- The tube can create an outfit for you
in line with Earth's fashions of today.
So you'll fit in more easily.
- I can't wait.
- Good luck, Lolita.
(door opening)
(electronic device beeping)
(machine whirring)
(electronic device beeping)
(air swooshing)
Good luck, earth.
(upbeat music)
- And as your new commander
of the intrepid mission
to the Space Station.
(group cheering)
Yes, yes, yes, I know.
As is tradition, the next round is on me.
(crowd cheering)
- Congratulations.
Can I buy the hero a drink?
- [Announcer] The infamous Sasha,
international spy for hire.
- Have you made contact?
- He's putty in my hands.
He'll do anything I ask.
Maybe you could take this with
you when you go up to space?
When he installs the chip into the system,
it will turn the station
into a giant space laser.
(dramatic music)
(calm music)
(soft upbeat music)
- It is our last year,
Sarah, aren't you excited?
- I am.
I've got Dr. Walton's class this year.
Everybody raves about it.
- Who cares about classes, Dummy?
I'm talking about the parties.
You know, seniors have the best parties.
- They certainly do.
- Oh, now wouldn't you know.
How many times have you been a senior?
- Ha, ha, ha.
Like three times.
- Hi Joe.
- Hi Brandy.
- Hello everyone.
- Hey there, pretty
lady, what's your name?
- Lolita.
- Oh, Lolita.
- [Lolita] No, Lolita.
- [Joe] Whatever, so are you new?
- Yeah, it's my first day.
I'm afraid I don't know anyone.
- Well, I'm Joe.
This is Brandy and this is Sarah.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- So tell us about yourself.
Where are you from?
- I'm from Saginaw, Michigan.
- Really?
I have cousins in Saginaw.
What part?
- Uh, the Saginaw part.
- [Joe] Well, it doesn't matter.
- So did your family move here?
- No, I'm afraid it's just me
and I don't have anywhere to stay.
- Guys.
- I dunno.
- [Joe] Come on, it'll be perfect.
- What?
- Well, me, Brandy, and Sarah,
we got a place right off campus,
and our roommate just graduated last year.
- Yeah, finally.
- We need a roommate, you
need somewhere to stay.
It's like fate, right?
- Oh God, please.
- Well, I would love
to live with you guys.
I'm so new here and I have many questions.
- Well, then it's settled.
- It'll be fun to have
another girl in the house.
- I suppose.
- Yeah, we'll take you there
right after class, okay?
- That's rad.
- Excuse me?
(descending robotic tones)
- Oh, cool.
I mean, that's cool.
(light melodic music)
- Here we are, home, sweet home.
- We're gonna have so much fun this year.
- I sure hope so.
- Hey, I just noticed that
you don't have any luggage.
Were you at a hotel?
- A hotel?
Oh yes.
A commercial establishment
offering lodging to travelers.
Yes, my things are at the hotel.
I can pick them up later.
- Okay, on that note, I'm off to work.
- Where do you work?
- At the hospital, I'm a candy striper.
- You stripe candies?
- No, I'm a volunteer.
It's a part of my internship.
- Oh, well that sounds like a lot of fun.
Could I join you sometime?
- I don't know how much fun it is,
but I could ask permission.
- Thank you.
- All right, bye kids.
- Oh, I should get going myself.
- Do you stripe candies as well?
- Hardly, I'm a cocktail
waitress at the Corner Pub.
- I work there too, I'm a bartender.
- Do you have a job?
- No, but I'd love to
learn more about yours.
- Honey, I am a cocktail waitress.
It's hardly rocket science.
- Oh, I know all about rocket science.
I need to learn something new.
(upbeat music)
- And how is everything in
the world of science today?
- Well, that depends.
Chemistry and engineering
are going just fine.
It's biology that we're
having a problem with.
- Perhaps the time is right to go
with Walter's specialized talents.
Maybe you'll have more luck.
- [Scientist] You mean build a woman?
- [Dr. Carmichael] Why not?
Since the flesh and blood type
seems to be so mysterious to you.
(hands slapping)
- [Scientist] You know Dr.
Carmichael love doesn't come
from a mechanical device,
or from a potion or any of that nonsense.
- [Dr. Carmichael] You don't say.
- [Scientist] Love comes
from somewhere deep inside.
And some guys, well,
they have what it takes.
- Good, very good, very good.
(electricity buzzing)
And how are you feeling, my dear?
(Bionica screaming)
(jolly music)
No, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Now not so fast.
Be careful.
There's wires everywhere.
Now wait.
Wait for me.
(Bionica screaming)
I just want to have a look.
(upbeat music)
- Droid is ready for activation.
One perfect, loving,
responsive, incredibly sexual woman,
who will meet the needs
of an anti-sexual world.
(upbeat music continues)
- That's great.
- [Engineer] Where do
you think she's gone?
- I don't know, but we gotta find her.
I just hope that she's in a culture
that'll appreciate and accept her.
She's not a domestic or worker droid.
Let's remember what we designed her for.
- Doctor, I think she's
responding just fine.
- [Engineer 2] Those sensations
are the most important feature.
- [Engineer] We've got an overload.
She's burning up.
- [Veronica] I was made
for love and pleasure.
(groovy music)
- [Agent] Have they been deployed?
- They have.
The ocular cameras will go live
when they come within a
hundred feet of their target.
- [Agent] Good.
- Excuse me, is this seat taken?
- [Target] It is now.
- Caught without your briefs.
Say cheese.
Your wife may want a wallet size.
- I am what's known as a bikini model.
- My favorite kind.
(door opening)
- Hi.
- You're not the cable guy.
- Erm, no.
- [Senator] I can't afford another mishap.
- Unlike the other
candidates in this race,
Senator Bushwhacker
refuses to go negative.
- One thing's certain.
Despite the undisputed
charms of our bikini models,
we need new targets within
the respective organizations
If we're able to take down their
chief political strategist,
it's bound to have a negative
impact on their campaigns.
(whimsical music)
- Okay.
Joe, you coming?
- Actually, I have a later shift.
I'll see you there though.
- Yeah.
Okay, but behave.
- Yes, mother.
So, how about a dip in the pool?
- Are you sure Sarah won't
mind me borrowing her bikini?
- No, why would she care?
- You guys have been so nice to me.
- Yeah, that's us.
Nice.
- There's so much you can teach me.
- How about I teach you right now?
- Yes, please.
(groovy music)
(Lolita groaning)
- So what could possibly be troubling
a pretty lady like yourself?
- Look around.
Sometimes, I wish I was just invisible.
(camera shuttering)
- There's only one possible Miss February.
At least, if you are a team player.
- Look, not interested.
- [Sarah] What kind of professor are you?
- I'm a professor of chemistry.
I just need a willing subject
on which to test my formula.
I want to turn you invisible.
- Here goes nothing.
- You're...
You're...
- Invisible.
- [Professor] Yes.
(Sarah groaning)
- [Sarah] Take this.
(Sarah laughing)
- Who said that?
What's going on?
Ah.
- [Sarah] Take that.
And this.
Professor, this invisibility
formula is so liberating.
- Beautiful, isn't she?
I call her Eve.
- Hey, you haven't been...
- Oh, of course not.
Don't be ridiculous.
But she as cold as yesterday's fish.
- Nice rack.
- Not bad.
(electricity buzzing)
(upbeat rock music)
You're alive.
You're really alive.
- There is something strange about her.
I can't put my finger on it.
But I'd like to.
- Me too.
Another lonesome tale
About a lonely boy
(soft rock music)
- Okay, Lolita, I'm off to work.
Place closes around two,
so I'll be done around at three or so.
So you'll probably be
in bed when I get home.
- Would you like me to wait up for you?
- Yeah, about that.
- Yes?
- I think it might not be a good idea
to mention that to Sarah or Brandy.
- Why, did we do something wrong?
- No, not exactly.
Just, I don't wanna make
the other girls jealous.
You know?
Like I'm playing favorites.
- I guess so,
then why don't you just
have sex with them too?
- Wow.
They're really progressive
in Saginaw, huh?
- What?
Saginaw, right.
- Maybe we should just
keep it our little secret.
You know, there's only so
much of Joe to go around.
- Sure thing.
- That's my girl.
- What a strange race these humans are.
- Here we are, Anita,
our last year in college.
We gotta make our move this year.
Look a shooting star.
You make a wish on a shooting
star, it'll come true.
(choral singing)
(electricity buzzing)
- It's gonna be a great year.
- How could it not be?
You girls are lucky enough
to have the two biggest studs
on campus as your boyfriends.
- Yeah.
- Lucky?
You guys are the lucky ones,
that you have the two hottest chicks
from the coolest sorority to
even pay attention to you.
- [Anita] Well, what do you suggest we do?
We've been here for three
years and nobody notices us.
- I don't know, it's gotta be big.
- What the heck just happened?
- I don't know.
- [Alien Captor] Welcome
earthlings, to my Starship Polaris.
- [Anita] This can't be good.
- Welcome to the first day
of rush week at Gamma Phi.
Now girls, tell us what
qualifications you have
to be Gamma Phi sisters.
(upbeat rock music)
- [Club Owner] You wouldn't be
looking for a job, would you?
- As a matter of fact, we are.
- [Bunny's Boyfriend] Boy,
you sure are different
from the first time I saw you.
- Yeah, I know.
What are you doing here?
I thought you were dating Bunny.
- [Bunny's Boyfriend] I am dating Bunny.
But that's only because all
the guys in my fraternity
only date the girls in her sorority.
- [Marge] And because she's
the hottest girl in school?
- [Bunny's Boyfriend] Used to be.
- [Marge] Got that right.
(upbeat rock music)
- As we've all learned,
in the future most of our
universe will be destroyed
by an intergalactic war.
This war was brought on in part
by the discovery of our planet,
by the Orion Deep Space satellite.
A satellite created by
the man I'm married to.
This cannot happen.
- You still don't have the
plans for the new satellite?
- [Max] ] Not yet, but I'm close.
I'll have them soon.
- [Max's Boss] You do understand,
time is of the essence.
- [Carla] What's the answer?
- We must kill Max.
That's the only way to protect our world.
- Unfortunate but true.
He cannot be left to continue
his work on the satellite.
- Why, I bet my life,
I'll have those plans for
you by the end of the week.
- You just did.
- [Carla] Is it really
necessary to kill him?
Is there no other way?
- No, he must die
- There.
Better?
- We kept our promise.
I hope I can say the same for you.
- I have a pretty good
idea of what you're up to.
I don't blame you.
You are, after all, only human.
- Professor Zarren, I'm ready to report.
(ethereal music)
(machine whirring)
(door opening)
- What strange attire.
- You don't know the half of it.
- That's a swimsuit, isn't it?
What's colloquially called a bikini?
- Yes, but it was the
only thing I had to wear.
You didn't send me down there
with a change of clothes?
- Ah, yes, well, frankly,
I didn't know how long
you'd last down there.
But I'll make sure you get
all the clothes you need.
- Cool.
- Hmm.
I see you've picked up
on the wretched grammar.
So tell me more about your
interactions with the humans.
- Well, I met three college kids my age.
- I see.
And you conversed with them?
- More than that.
I moved in with them.
I've been studying them
in their home environment.
And tomorrow I'm going
to see where they work.
My report will be just swell.
- Swell?
I think we may have to
adjust your cortical implant.
Some of your information
seems to be outdated.
- Whatevs.
The best part was when
the male roommate, Joe,
introduced me to this thing they call sex.
- Sex, you say?
- Yes, it's this great
thing they do down there.
Have you heard of it?
- In passing.
- Whoever you are, don't shut me down.
The society is trying to stop me.
It was all part of the cleansing.
And this is what the society's after.
These, the stories.
(tense music)
(electricity zapping)
- [Sherri] We're back on the ship.
- No one has ever escaped from here.
- [Alien] This is no
pleasure planet Earther.
- [Alien 2] We're gonna
give you a whole cut.
(upbeat dreamy music)
- [Lolita] It's amazing the
tricks the mind can play.
- Look, it's not supposed to be 1955.
- [Lolita] Stories can lead to all sorts
of interesting discussions.
- If you do this, we can go home.
(electricity zapping)
(upbeat dreamy music)
- [Lolita] Who controls the
mind, controls everything.
- [Sherri] They just wanted to watch.
(upbeat dreamy music continues)
- You'll what I'm talking about
when you experience the stories.
Come on, love, danger's half the fun.
- In passing.
What was it like?
- It was great, but for some reason,
he said, I shouldn't tell the others.
- Ah, that's typical.
Secrecy is a big thing among the humans.
So, tell me more about the sex.
- Well, it's like...
No, it's more like you have to put...
Gosh, professor, it's
really hard to explain.
Can I just show you?
- Well in the interest of your report.
(dramatic music)
(tense music)
- Hey Tim, come check this out.
- [Gerald] We're rolling.
- Yes, Gerald, I know we are rolling
because I did not say cut.
- And you, sit.
- [Tim] Good find, B.
- Those must have been
the original owners.
- [Tim] A ghost still haunts us.
- [Dory] I can feel her presence.
- This woman, Cassandra Essex,
was a pouring star back in the eighties,
had this whole line of
tapes called Cassex.
And then one day she just disappears
off the face of the earth.
- Tim?
Dory?
- [Tim] No, this isn't what it looks like.
I can explain.
- [Dory] What are we ghosts now?
- [Tim] It's just a crazy trip.
We just gotta ride it out.
That's all it is.
- [Paramedic] You called for a paramedic?
- [Dory] Wait, you can see us?
- [Paramedic] You have
entered the next dimension,
the sex dimension
- Bitchin'.
- Well, I don't find any
of this very bitchin' Dory,
You've dragged my husband
into some kind of porno ghost planet.
- [Tim] Oh, come on, it's not real.
- Where can I chain this up?
- It's Cassex.
- I'll have to admit,
since I've been here,
I've been feeling certain urges.
(electricity buzzing)
- [Maggie] All work and no play
makes you very, very frustrated.
- I am not frustrated.
- Okay.
I won't say another word
except happy birthday.
(smooth music)
- [Announcer] Welcome
to Virtual Encounters.
- Oh my God, you scared me.
(scanner whirring)
- [Announcer] You have nothing to fear.
You are about to experience
the greatest thrill of your adult life.
- What is this?
- [Announcer] Your gateway to pleasure.
Please, disrobe.
(air swooshing)
Virtual Encounters is a
personalized private excursion
into the realms of your
heart's deepest desires.
- [Amy] I was right there.
(air swooshing)
(upbeat smooth music)
(air swooshing)
- [Announcer] I think you
are finally appreciating
all that virtual encounter has to offer.
- [Amy] I guess I just had so much
bottled up inside me.
- [Announcer] As I have shown
you in a virtual encounter,
you can take many forms.
- [Amy] Now I really know
how the other half lives.
- [Announcer] There are more
aspects to your sexuality
that you have not explored.
- [Amy] I want more.
You are killing me, Robbie.
- [Announcer] It is obvious
that this form of stimulation
is too much for you to handle.
- [Amy] Is that a challenge?
- [Announcer] Merely an observation.
Nothing beats the real thing.
- [Amy] It's incredible.
(ominous music)
- Here goes nothing.
(air swooshing)
- You really wanna be with her,
'cause I can arrange that.
It's a virtual reality system.
A computer generated
environment that allows you
to interact in cyberspace
with any number of programs.
You can do anything.
You can be anyone you want.
- That's me, cool.
- Make love to me one last time.
- [Onlooker] What the hell are you doing?
- So what's all this we've been hearing
about some kind of
perverted internet thing?
- It's not perverted,
it's virtual reality.
We are going to be rich.
(air swooshing)
(tense music)
- Come on now.
I don't wanna be the last
one on campus who's tried it.
I could feel everything.
- I wonder what got into her.
- This is great.
(drums beating)
(quiet electronic beeping)
- Your first report
was outstanding Lolita.
- Thank you, Professor.
- But I'll expect much
more in your next report.
- Of course.
- In fact, I'd like you to delve more
into this earth custom of sex.
We have nothing like
it in our own culture.
I think it'll be a great
learning experience for you.
- It already has been.
- I don't mean just participating.
I want you to actually
observe the native population
engaging in the activity.
- I would be happy to do that.
- I'm sure you will.
(Lolita laughing)
(upbeat music)
(spaceship booming)
- [Vala] This is Val 27,
report to the bridge.
(door opening)
(ethereal music)
- We are in orbit around the planet.
- Excellent.
Turn on the monitoring equipment.
Let's see what transmissions we can find.
- Right.
- Nothing will stand in the way
of our complete domination of the galaxy.
- [Isis] The computer has
identified two perfect subjects
for us to use as camouflage.
- [Subject 1] Hey, look at that.
- [Subject 2] What is it?
(object whirring)
- Vala?
- Isis?
- You are Jim.
- [Jim] Veronica's been
acting really weird.
- [Isis] For the last week,
we have inhabited the bodies
of your wives.
- [Jim] Oh really?
- Oh, and I suggest you tell no one.
I doubt they would believe you anyway.
(ethereal music)
(air swooshing)
(electronic device warbling)
- Okay, sector 72 all clear.
Moving on to sector 73.
- Sectors 73, moving
on from planet Neptune,
on to planet Pluto.
- Ah, remember Pluto's
not a planet anymore.
It's now a dwarf planet.
- I don't like to judge by size.
- Oh, well that's good to know.
- Sector 73, all clear.
- Roger that, all clear.
- Just like sector one through 72.
God, how much longer do
we have to keep looking
into deep space?
This is so boring.
- What, are you kidding me?
This experimental software
is a hundred times more effective
than the old stuff we were using.
- Yeah, so I get to see
that space is a hundred times more empty
than we all thought.
- You know, you should
consider yourself lucky
that you were selected
to help me test this.
I mean, I developed the software
and it's classified to the highest level.
Nobody's even gonna get this
until we're done with the testing trials.
- Woo hoo.
- Alright then.
Moving on from sector 73 to sector 74.
- Scanning.
(electronic device beeping)
- Hello.
Where the hell is everybody?
(upbeat music)
What in the hell is going on here?
- [Mabel] The end of Andromeda.
The pleasure planet is over.
Nowadays it's all virtual
reality and programmable dates.
No one wants to do it the
old fashioned way anymore.
Take a look around.
I've got no girls.
- Don't you worry Mabel.
We're gonna take care of this.
'Cause I know where the
women are the most beautiful
and the most beguiling in the universe.
- Is this Eros?
- This is it.
Even though this planet's
only colonized by women,
they all don't get along.
- [Jeeter] Take me to your leader.
- But you are our leader.
- You were caught
trespassing in our territory.
There are no men allowed.
- Does this please his majesty?
- [Jeeter] Oh, yes.
- Men are a disease.
They infect us, distract us,
and generally lower
the standard of living.
This man is violating me.
Prepare him for his execution.
- Let's go, come on, we
can get outta here now.
- I can't leave my people.
- [Narrator] Men, one kiss
from an incredible woman
and they turned to putty.
(funky music)
(wolf howling)
I like to be satisfied
- A man?
- Yes, a man.
He probably took a wrong turn
on the intergalactic highway
and crashed here.
- There's a little thing
here called frontier justice.
This here badge gives me the
right to do whatever I see fit
to carry out the law.
(funky music)
Oh, spaceman.
Maybe Earth men are different.
- [Delia] And who better to know than you?
- Boy, I can't wait for
the next guy who shows up.
- He's mine.
- [Announcer] In a far
off region of space,
this lonely crew-
- [Jason] Both of you spent so much time
in the virtual chamber it's a
wonder either one of you knows
how to handle a real woman.
- [Announcer] Will soon acquire
a mysterious cargo-
- Where ambassadors from Credos.
We're to join with the high commander
of the Galactic Alliance.
- [Astronaut] They are
genetically empathic.
- What do you mean, they can read minds?
- [Astronaut] Not so much
read minds as sense feelings.
- Jason.
- Perhaps I could soothe you.
(enchanting music)
- Look, she wants me.
- You obviously don't see
what these women are doing to you.
- Look, you should try it.
- We don't wanna go to the alliance.
- Ambassador Galen.
The Alliance is expecting
us to deliver this cargo
and if they don't get it,
they won't stop until they do.
(explosion booming)
- Direct hit.
- Prepare to die.
(blasters firing)
(explosion booming)
- [Announcer] Will this crew
continue on their mission?
Or journey through the deepest
parts of their desires?
(enchanting music)
- [Narrator] There's a
secret to our pleasures.
- [Announcer] Pleasurecraft.
- So, by the way,
what's going on with
that girlfriend of yours?
- Girlfriend?
You mean Candy?
I wouldn't call her my girlfriend.
We just started seeing each other.
- Just like a man,
terrified of commitment.
- I am not.
- Well, what are you?
Afraid that if you get
stuck with one girl,
you're gonna miss out on something?
- No, not at all.
- Are you sure?
- Of course, I'm sure.
What are you getting at?
- Steve, this universe has been around
for over 14 billion years.
- Right.
- So it'll still be around
if we took a little time off.
- Okay.
(upbeat music)
He's mine
So fine
- I know that I used
to be important to you,
until the school business got in the way.
- You know this job is important to me.
- I'm not talking about this job, Candy.
I'm talking about all
those sweet, sweet nights
that we used to spend together.
- Rick, you know, that's all over.
I started seeing a really nice guy
and I don't wanna screw it up.
- Who?
That scientist guy, Steve?
You told me it wasn't exclusive with him.
- Yeah, but he's a really great guy.
And look at the necklace he just got me.
- Well, ain't that sweet.
But I don't see a ring on your finger.
- I know.
So can I go?
It's getting slow, Athena can cover.
(ethereal music)
- Anything over in sector 98?
- No, sector 98 is clear.
(electronic device beeping)
- [Steve] Holy crap.
- What, what?
- No, look at this.
There's a class 12 asteroid
on a collision course with Earth.
- Is that bad?
- Is that bad?
Are you serious?
With that trajectory and that velocity,
it's gonna be here in six hours.
- What kind of damage can that do?
- Right now we're looking at
a 3000 mile wide asteroid.
We're talking an extinction level event.
- And you know all this
because of your experimental software?
- Exactly.
We have to do something.
- What can we do?
- The Goldberg plasma cannon.
- Steve...
- It's the only thing that
can deflect this asteroid.
- Steve.
- The Air Force completed
construction on it
six months ago and it's just
an hour away up the mountain.
We can go there, we can do this.
- Steve, don't you remember?
There was a key part of the
software of the plasma cannon
that was never installed.
- Of course.
- They were afraid it was gonna
be leaked into enemy hands,
or maybe even hit the black market.
- So as is, the cannon is totally useless.
- I guess there's
nothing that can be done.
- No, I have an idea.
Come on, come with me.
- Wait, wait, what is it?
(light music)
(upbeat music)
- Hey, if we have to get home
before our parental units,
dude, don't you think you
better step on it Xena?
(upbeat music)
(all screaming)
(dinosaur roaring)
(all screaming)
- Dinosaurs, chase those chicks.
I command you.
(dinosaur roaring)
- He's one of those (indistinct)
- I like fire in a woman, it turns me on.
- What are you talking about?
- Got to go.
(dinosaur roaring)
(upbeat music)
- [Professor] The experiment
was a smashing success.
We took you all the way back to 1780.
- That's incredible.
But I think I might have
misbehaved a little professor.
- Yes, you were very naughty.
I think one of the
phenomenons of time travel
is that it makes people
lose certain inhibitions.
It makes them feel like giving
into their secret desires.
(upbeat rock music)
- And I am so horny right now.
What's going on?
- It's a side effect of time travel.
- [Lara] What can we do about it?
- [Sara] Nothing.
We just have to get it out of the way
so we can get on with our mission.
- [Lara] You mean let's not waste time.
- [Announcer] Bored by their husbands...
- How do you keep Howard interested?
- To make love with Howard,
you have got to schedule an appointment
six weeks in advance.
- [Announcer] These two ladies
are looking for an adventure,
in a town that once was.
But they'll get more
than they bargained for.
- What?
- I'm stuck.
- [Time Traveler] Like,
what year is this again?
- 1888.
- [Announcer] An adventure through time.
- Oh, I got a pistol, all right.
The question is, can you handle it?
- [Announcer] Now to get back,
they must adapt to the old ways.
- Can I get you boys everything else?
- [Announcer] And discover
just how wild the west can be.
- Keep your hands off the chef.
- Oh, keep your hands off of me.
- [Time Traveler] I want
him to do things to me.
- There ain't nothing wrong with that.
(plate hitting head)
(door opening)
(fist hitting face)
(upbeat blues music)
(door breaking)
- Things around here, are
curiouser and curious.
- [Announcer] Time gate.
Tales of the Saddletramps.
- After years of extensive research,
we were able to propel an individual
into any period along the time stream.
- We should take a trip.
- Where's Leon?
- I think he's back in the
court of Louis the 16th.
- Marie Antoinette.
- Who are you?
- I have to bring Leon back on my own.
(electronic device beeping)
(upbeat pulsing music)
Is this Paris?
(hands clapping)
Hey.
- [Palace Worker] All men
are forbidden in the palace.
Unless you're a guard or a eunuch.
- Well, Leon's definitely not a eunuch.
- The only man you will ever
make love to will be me.
- A long time, I was off
there about 400 years.
- Shouldn't you be wearing something?
(door banging open)
You know, if you're trying to distract me,
it's working.
(upbeat music)
(machine whirring)
(electronic device beeping)
- Hello, Chuck, Darlene and Melissa.
If you are viewing this, assume the worst.
M6, the newly formed
government intelligence agency
has threatened to take over
the time travel program.
- When she said assume the
worst, what does she mean?
- It means Professor Conrad
is no longer with us.
You three are working for us now.
Did I mention that you have no choice?
- Now?
(person groaning)
- I've programmed the timeline coordinates
into the activate remotes.
We can skip through
time, plant the beacons
and be home before dinner.
(air swooshing)
- Witch.
- Relax, Arthur.
- Arthur, Merlin, oh boy.
(air swooshing)
- They're gonna do all of our dirty work
and we're gonna get to reap the rewards.
You are so evil.
- Welcome to Camelot.
- Hey man.
Far out, man.
- I can't track them.
They're lost in time.
- [Time Traveler's Lover]
Before you go have a brownie.
- Whoa.
- You are to be here at this moment
and to be with Arthur,
in the connubial sense.
- Oh boy.
- [Merlin] Well, his real problem is
he's never been with any ladies.
- Step away from the machine.
- [Arthur] I've never
felt so free, so alive.
- Now how do you feel?
(upbeat music)
- [Time Traveler] This
doesn't look like 1968.
- Just a little less- (indistinct)
- [Announcer] Yes, the great
man himself, Leonardo Da Vinci.
- [Time Traveler 2] Yeah,
I've already affected enough history.
- [Time Traveler] Arthur's
convinced that he loves me
and wants to marry.
- Wow, I think I'm
having an acid flashback.
- [Arthur] Let's start a new
history for us right now.
(air swooshing)
(upbeat music)
- [Announcer] In the distant future...
- Entire planets became part
of the great corporation of America.
- [Announcer] Sex has become a crime.
- [Criminal] You know
that all carnal activities
are against the law.
- You mean sex wasn't
against the law back then?
- An uptight bitch named Camella Swales
started the movement.
She had no use for sex herself,
so she convinced the board
that there wasn't any profit in it.
- [Announcer] But to change our future...
- Wow, look at Miss August.
Samantha Cummings.
And to think people gave
this up for a dental plan.
- [Announcer] They will devise a plan.
- What the hell is it?
- It's a time chamber.
- How do you know?
- 'Cause I'm smart.
And it says so right down there
- [Announcer] To return to the past.
(doors closing)
(upbeat music)
- We've come from your future.
Our mission here is to prevent
a corporate takeover of the planet
and the banning of sex
between consenting adults.
(electricity buzzing)
- [Announcer] Now they're dressing up.
- [Student] This is an all
girls school, remember.
- I'm not dressing up as a girl.
You can't make me.
- [Announcer] And going undercover.
- Ingrid and Heidi, is it?
- Uh huh.
- Hello.
- I'm Samantha, Samantha Cummings.
- [Announcer] And to save the
world from a terrible fate.
- It's Camella Swales,
she's got to be stopped.
(Camella grunting)
- All we have to do is find
the right person for her.
It could change her entire outlook.
- Make love to Camella Swales?
You're out of your mind.
- Here's the bad news,
there's a cyborg after us.
- [Time Traveler] A cyborg?
- I have been engineered to replicate
the perfect physical specimen
of man, in every way.
- In every way?
- Get a load of this sweet cake.
(Camella screaming)
(upbeat music)
- [Announcer] Morgan Fairchild.
- How could I get in touch with you?
- I'll be back.
- I'll be back?
- [Announcer] Virgin hunters.
(chilled blues music)
- You know what?
I'm getting really tired of this.
Okay, three times in a row.
For my birthday, a homemade card.
For a Valentine's Day, a homemade card.
And now tonight, really?
- Well, I'm studying astronomy
at the local community college.
My boyfriend Steve, is a scientist
and he works in deep space tracking,
and he gave me this experimental program
to help me with my studies.
He's probably getting the
same signal right now.
(liquid pouring)
- Oh.
Woo, again.
(liquid pouring)
- Look, I said I'm really sorry.
What else do you want me to say?
- Sorry?
I asked for the short shift tonight
because you were supposed
to take me to dinner.
- [Greg] Something else came up.
- Something else came up?
Something else came up,
that's the best you can do?
- It's the truth.
- Okay, well, let me tell you something.
As far as I'm concerned when I'm around,
nothing's gonna be coming up from now on.
Get my drift?
- Ouch.
- You heard?
- Kind of hard not to.
Her voice carries.
- Yeah.
- Oh, by the way, have you
met our new roommate, Lolita?
- Hey.
- Well, hello there, Sailor.
- Hey, Joe, (indistinct) for a second.
- Hey, do you wanna know a secret?
- Hey doll, you got a secret?
- I do.
I am an alien.
- What, from like Mexico or something?
- No, silly, from outer space.
- Sure, and my grandmother's a yak.
- She is?
- I think you've had a
little bit too much to drink.
- You don't believe me, do you?
- No, not really.
- I'll prove it.
(ethereal music)
- (gasping) How did you...
- [Lolita] It's easy when you can traverse
fifth dimensional space.
- Hey, you wanna get outta here?
- You wanna have sex with me, don't you?
- Well.
- Come on.
(blues music)
- [Announcer] From across
a vast sea of stars,
a voyager has received our signal
and accepted our
invitation to make contact.
- Then you've come to the right place.
Just gimme a minute to
get things going here.
Grab a stool.
- You're new here, aren't you?
- Very new.
- I'm Drew.
- My name's...
Kara.
- [Announcer] She has
come from the cold regions
of deep space,
to explore the warmth
of our sexual desires.
(pulsing music)
- Do you find this book
on aliens interesting?
- I've always had this fantasy
that I'd be the first one on the planet
to meet an alien from outer space.
- If I'm dreaming, don't wake me.
(ethereal synth pulsing)
(camera shuttering)
(tense music)
- It's kind of weird, kind of kinky.
- It's a great experience.
(electricity buzzing)
- There's something I would
like to share with you.
Go on, resist some more,
I think it's pleasurable.
(synth swelling)
You said you wanted to meet
an alien from outer space.
- You mean to tell me that you're from...
- [Announcer] Femalien.
- [Kara] Successful.
I've taken the shape of the human female
and I'm calling myself Kara.
- Kara?
- Collector 3879's Earth name.
- Very nice feeling.
- We've come to escort
collector 3879, back to Alteria.
She's been on this planet
for well over one of its solar years.
- Terry, it happened, they've arrived.
- What are you talking about?
- The visitors from out there.
Come on.
- [Sun] Do you know where she is?
- [Gina] I think I know how to find her.
(upbeat music)
- I can track 'em with this.
If they've landed, I'll find them.
- I recall from Kara's reports
that extreme amounts of pleasure
were derived from simply
touching each other.
- Okay, she claims to be an alien
and she's running around Venice,
swapping erotic stories with people.
- It makes perfect sense, doesn't it?
She's very evasive.
She's made quite a name for herself.
- Look, foreplay.
(upbeat rock music)
Doesn't this affect you?
- I wonder how big it will get.
- Hey.
- Kiss each other.
Of all the sensations
I found on this planet,
that simple act seems to
be the most rewarding.
Sometimes you just have
to say to hell with orders
and follow your heart.
(upbeat rock music continues)
- I don't wanna go back.
- These humans,
they just can't keep their
hands off each other.
(funky music)
(air swooshing)
- Welcome to the midday meal.
Our special today is blue.
- We were hoping to
experience a wide variety
of taste sensations that
humans seem to revel in.
- You guys aren't been
around here, are you?
- We're from Paris.
- Yes, Paris.
(down tempo funky music)
- Insurrection, Madam President,
an underground rebel
group calling itself Carp
is gaining popularity amongst the people.
- Carp?
- [President's Aide] Citizens
against regulated promiscuity.
- Fellow citizens of planet Earth,
welcome to the Carp Underground.
- [President's Aide] They
want their insidious message
to reach as many people as possible
and they will stop at
nothing to accomplish this.
- They want us all to have sex?
- What we are about to do,
we do for you planet Earth.
(smooth grooving music)
Our message is getting out.
If we can stay two steps ahead
of the bureau of responsible behavior,
we can turn things around.
- We intercept dozens
of these transmissions
on a daily basis.
- How could they give
up all those pleasures?
- I think they put something in the gruel
that suppresses desires.
- We're not allowed to interfere
with the course of Earth's history.
But this is definitely wrong.
- Okay, you guys aren't
really from Paris, are you?
- Actually, we are.
Paris on another planet
in the Alterian system,
which is just a few galaxies over.
We come in peace.
- Oh, that's what they all say.
Blast them.
- We developed ways to
turn what you call passion
into pure energy waves.
- So if we get passionate...
- [Alien] There is no limits
to what we can accomplish.
- [Beth] Let's rock.
- [Narrator] Everything is under control.
And control is everything after all.
(electronic interference warbling)
- [Pilot] Easing her in now.
Maybe you wanna grab onto something.
My research team has followed me
to the ends of the charted galaxy
on a quest to kill a God.
(tense ominous music)
- [Marion] Professor.
Professor.
(liquid sloshing)
(upbeat tense music)
- I don't know if it's appropriate
you calling me professor anymore.
Empress Dara'Tel seems only fitting.
Yes, she likes that.
Kneel my subjects, kneel
before your empress.
The pod commands it.
(electronic device beeping)
(upbeat music)
- What?
No, there must be some mistake.
- [High Council Member]
The Alterian High Council
is an ageless cosmic tribunal.
We do not make mistakes.
- [Gab-E] Do you think we'll
find something of interest?
- Nothing too sexy, or they
never would've said to us.
- [High Council Member] We
have the utmost faith in you,
collector 4878.
- [Maxy] Primitive.
- Right?
A classic.
I'm here too.
Let's take it for a spin.
- Nope.
No, stop, stop.
(engine blasting)
Hey, let's leave that out of the report.
Cool?
- [Gab-E] Cool as the ice
moon on party planet seven.
- Meet my friends, Maxy and Gab-E.
When I found them,
they were naked and shameless.
- I slept with a man today.
- How could you Jeetz?
- Ah, yes.
Earth's slang for sexual intercourse.
I prefer porking.
- You are from the system, aren't you?
- [Maxy] In a way, yes.
- There's more to these
(indistinct) than meets the eye.
These are ancient beings of great power.
- [Professor] We are in the
layer of an ancient beast
that has been feeding on
people since we've arrived.
- Pod craves their power,
but it fears them as well.
- Maxy, are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
- We share a hive mind.
(camera shuttering)
So yes.
(small explosion booming)
(upbeat jazz music)
- What are you guys?
(spaceship engine blasting off)
(upbeat music)
(water flowing)
- May I join you?
- Sure.
Well, well,
looks like someone's a bit
under the weather this morning.
- For some reason I woke up this morning
with a terrible headache
and a dry taste in my mouth.
- That's called a hangover.
It happens when you drink too much.
- It hardly makes it seem worth it.
- Yep.
- What's wrong?
- I don't know.
- [Lolita] Is it Greg?
- They say that to keep a man happy,
you have to keep his stomach
full and his ball's empty.
Well, I mean, that's what
my grandma used to say.
But I'm not so sure anymore.
- Do you think Greg is unhappy?
- I don't know, he's always making excuses
not to see me, breaking dates,
I don't know what to think.
- [Lolita] You are in love with Greg.
It doesn't matter how much money he has.
- I just need someone more responsible.
You know?
- [Lolita] You are quite
a strong-willed person.
- I guess so.
- But you love Greg, right?
- Sure, but I've gotta think
about what's right for me.
- But the sex is great.
I mean, isn't it?
- Yeah, but there's
gotta be something more.
(spaceship guns firing)
(dramatic music)
- Is everything ready as planned?
- Standing by.
- [Master] And the princess is here?
- [Subordinate] She is.
Our intelligence was correct.
- [Master] And is she alone?
- [Subordinate] No, master.
She has one bodyguard with her.
- [Master] Only one?
- [Bodyguard] We don't have much time.
- Do you think this
thing will actually fly?
- There's only one way to find out.
(spaceship engine whirring)
Fingers crossed, we've got incoming.
(spaceship guns firing)
- Soon, this rotten little
asteroid will be all mine.
- [Bodyguard] We only have one choice.
We need to jettison
ourselves off of this ship
and take our chances.
- [Princess] Chances?
But where?
- [Bodyguard] There's a planet
straight ahead.
(explosion booming)
(satellite beeping)
(tense music)
(synth swelling)
(Princess and Bodyguard breathing heavy)
- Well, that could have been worse.
(upbeat rock music)
- Lolita, I've been
waiting for you all night.
Did you talk to her?
What'd she say?
- Slow down.
I talked to her.
She does love you.
- I knew it.
Did you give her one of
those little suggestions?
- No, I couldn't.
Her will is too strong.
- I don't understand.
- Listen, Greg, it's not about the money.
It's about you being more
caring and responsible.
- Oh, that's just what chicks say
when they want a guy to unload
a bunch of dough on them.
- I believe that she was sincere.
- Yeah.
(cash register bell dinging)
(cash rustling)
(cash register closing)
(upbeat rock background music continues)
Hey, lemme buy you a drink.
- Oh gosh, I don't know if I should.
I don't want another one of
those horrible hangovers.
- You'll be fine, trust me.
Do I ever steer you wrong?
- I guess not.
(glass clinking)
- Here.
Bottoms up.
- [Lolita] Ooh.
(Lolita laughing)
- How you feeling?
- That'll put some hair on my chest.
- Attagirl.
Hey, listen, remember the night
where you put your hand
through the tabletop?
- Sure.
Fifth dimensional, stud.
- Yeah, okay.
Can you do that with anything?
- Yeah.
- And whatever you touch
becomes immaterial as well?
- That's right.
- Well, I don't believe you.
- Oh, I would not lie.
- Then prove it.
See that cash register over there?
Go and pull whatever's in there, out.
- No problem.
(upbeat rock background music continues)
(synth music swelling)
(bell dinging)
See, I told you.
- Oh my God, babe, I'm
sorry I ever doubted you.
I gotta go, I'll see you later.
- Bye.
(Lolita sighing)
(glass clinking)
I'll tell you when, Bub.
(tense music)
- Once we have signed
the treaty with Krella,
we will finally gain
access to their technology
and be able to stop these terrible storms,
which are nearly destroying our planet.
- What do you know about
this Empress Krella?
Can she be trusted?
- Let the invasion begin.
- [Captain] This is Captain
(indistinct) of the space fleet.
We are under attack.
- It's a delegation of
the Vulvian Empire State.
- [Captain] The Vulvian
Empire are the ones attacking.
- [Vema] I knew they couldn't be trusted.
- [Princess Farra] What are we to do?
- [Vema] I must get you to safety
immediately, your highness.
- [Princess Farra] But my people.
- You'll do them no good dead.
- We were told that she would be here.
She couldn't have escaped.
I must have her- (indistinct)
The moment I saw Princess Farra's beauty,
I knew that I must have her.
I will have her.
(spaceship guns firing)
- We've got one on our tail.
- I see it, hold on.
(spaceship guns firing)
(ethereal music)
(air swooshing)
- Hello, Professor.
- Are you prepared to deliver your report?
- Well, I certainly wanna fill you in
on Earth's social customs
and this strange thing
that they call a hangover.
- Yes, I'm aware.
Young lady, you have a
lot of explaining to do.
Come with me.
Lolita, I've been monitoring
your activities from orbit.
- Oh, I didn't know that.
- Obviously.
Let's review some of your
activities, shall we?
(calm orchestral music)
- Wow.
I was just engaging in a typical
human social interaction.
This is what they do.
- This is not the problem either.
Look at this.
- I'm an alien.
- What do you have to say for yourself?
- Honestly, professor, it
was all that jazz and liquor.
- I see.
And this?
What do you have to say about this?
- Gosh, I really don't remember that.
- You have broken Earth's laws.
- I'm really sorry, Professor.
- Sorry just isn't good
enough this time, Lolita.
You've created this problem
and you're going to fix it.
- I will.
Somehow.
I promise.
(air swooshing)
- Whoa.
- Yes, it is I.
And it's time that you all knew the truth.
I'm sent here from another
planet to study your world.
- What?
- Don't attempt to deceive
me any further, Greg.
It's time to set things straight.
To start.
(electronic device beeping)
(Sarah gasping)
- My necklace.
- Holy.
- Whoa.
- I'm sorry, Sarah.
That necklace was bought with money
that I stole from the bar, thanks to Greg.
- Greg.
- Guys, geez.
Come on.
- I've returned the necklace
and the money back to the pub
and I'm still not sure what
I'm going to do with you yet.
- Well, I mean, gosh,
you should probably...
- I can't believe this.
Greg.
- Are you really an alien?
- Yes, I am.
But I'm afraid I must
be leaving you all soon.
My time here is nearly up.
We'll really miss you.
- And I'll miss you guys too.
You've taught me much
that I'll take with me.
From you, Joe and Brandy,
I've learned to always follow your heart,
no matter where that might lead.
And from you, Sarah,
I've learned to be
strong and self-assured.
I'm sorry about Greg.
I wish there was something
that I could do for you.
- Hmm.
Well maybe there's something
I could do for you.
- [Lolita] What do you mean?
- Well, surely your
study of human sexuality
can't be complete without
studying all aspects of it,
right?
(smooth piano music)
- With your consent,
the three of you are about to participate
in an exchange program unlike
any in the history of mankind.
18 months ago, we made contact
with Alien beings from Venus.
With their able assistance,
we've constructed a mind transfer device.
The counterpart of which
is located on their world.
And we'd like you three
girls to be their hosts.
We're talking about the
transfer of consciousness.
(upbeat music)
Venusian minds inhabiting your bodies,
but only for one week.
After that, you'll
reintegrate with your bodies
and be free to go about your lives
with all charges against you dismissed.
- What makes us so special?
I mean, there's no way we're
the most qualified candidates.
I'm a hooker.
- Drug runner.
- Jay Walker.
Well, I was in a rush
to get across the street
from the liquor store I just robbed.
- [Hooker] There you go.
So why us?
- It was at the special
request of Venusians.
You are all very attractive women.
- As scary as it all
sounds, they are scientists.
- What does that have to do with anything?
- What are you?
Republican?
- [Hooker] Look, all I'm saying
is it sounds a little too
Abbott and Costello meets Frankenstein.
- I was thinking freaky Friday.
- [Hooker] There's no
accounting for taste.
- Mind transfer,
in 3,
2,
Now.
(device whirring)
(ethereal music)
(dramatic orchestral music)
(dramatic orchestral music continues)
(dramatic orchestral music continues)
(air swooshing)
(air swooshing)
- The spaceship has entered
the star system, Professor.
- Very good.
I want to show you something.
- Yes, sir.
- You should be very fortunate
that we're affording you this opportunity.
- Yes, Professor Zarren.
- Just look at your
grades from last semester.
Ordinarily, we would
merely expel a student
who had done so poorly.
- I understand.
- If you wish to earn
your master's degree,
you're going to have to
do some extra credit.
- What would that be?
- You're going to write
a 100,000 word paper
on human cultural relations.
- Yes, sir.
- That will barely get you a passing mark.
And to do that, we're going
to give you the opportunity
to visit Earth itself.
- Oh!
- Let me show you something.
This is Earth.
A very backwards planet.
But I'm sure you'll discover
that for yourself, in time.
Come with me.
(soft uplifting music)
Earth, as you know, or perhaps you don't,
is entirely unaware of life
on planets other than its own.
- Gosh!
- With that in mind,
you're not going to be able
to reveal where you're from,
or any of your special abilities.
- But what abilities do I have
that the Earthlings don't?
- You never really study, do you?
We will be implanting that information,
along with your cover story,
into your mind with this.
(device beeping)
(upbeat music)
(guns firing)
- Welcome to California.
Body bouncin', hands are pounding
We're rollin', let's go outta control
Decapitation and mutilation
- Pinch me and tell me I'm dreaming!
Wet bodies clingin' in the sand
And hands
Slammin'
Pineapple tiki lamps
Everybody- (indistinct)
(funky music)
(spaceship engine roaring)
(passenger screaming)
(air swooshing)
- Do you see that?
- Do not start with that
UFO stuff again, man.
It's too kooky.
- Be still my beating heart.
Monsters
On the beach.
Monsters
On the beach
Monsters
On the beach
Mom, I'm going dancing
(upbeat synth music)
(dram banging)
(upbeat synth music continues)
(dram banging)
(dram banging)
(dram banging)
(air swooshing)
(spaceship engine roaring)
(ominous music)
- I think we're lost.
- Not just lost.
We're in the damn twilight zone.
(ominous music continues)
- [Alien] I hope to understand
your reproductive process.
- You guys were abducted by an alien
and had an orgy up in his ship?
(ominous music)
- There's a Class 12 asteroid
on a collision course with Earth.
We're talking an extinction level event.
- [Alana] The asteroid you detected
is going to crash into this planet
causing the destruction of your world.
- But if we don't find a
planet to colonize soon,
our whole race could become extinct.
- Dara and I are from a planet
you know as Alpha Centauri.
- [Earthling] You're aliens?
- [Alana] Yes.
- [Dara] Hurry.
There's not much time.
(gun firing)
(explosion booming)
(upbeat music)
- You've just passed the
outer edges of the galaxy
and we'll be at our final destination
within a couple of hours.
- Your mission success
is vital to every woman
on (indistinct).
(groovy music)
(machine booming)
- You have experience with them?
- I've had some experience.
(electricity buzzing)
(electricity buzzing)
(explosion booming)
(dramatic music)
- We must capture the greatest minds
in all of earth science in
order to ensure our success.
(dramatic music)
- This young lady-
- Erica.
- Says that there are
aliens out of a comic book
running amok in the city
and kidnapping our
great female scientists.
(dramatic music)
- Super ninja doll.
Go.
- Whoa.
(dramatic music continues)
- Step aside, Earthlings.
We only want the nuclear tuna fish lady.
She is a powerful enemy.
- Would you have sex with that?
- In a heartbeat.
- Ah, that makes two of us.
(tense music)
- [Announcer] The Space
Administration has just reported
that an unknown interstellar mass
has entered our solar system.
- [Galaxian Computer]
Initiating teleportation
of live earth species now.
- What kind of business could
you possibly have with me?
- [Galaxian Computer] Each
year we produce a calendar
featuring the most beautiful
women of our star system.
We would like you to be
our new photographer.
(tense music continues)
- Yeah.
It was just like in Star Trek.
- Have you two been drinking?
(bright music)
(device beeping)
- Got it.
- Now, that will give you
the basic understanding
of human behavior,
but your report is going to
have to be much more detailed.
- Right, Professor, I won't let you down.
- I'm sure you won't.
Now step into the transport tube.
(footsteps shuffling)
I'll expect regular
reports on your progress.
- Yes, sir.
- The tube can create an outfit for you
in line with Earth's fashions of today.
So you'll fit in more easily.
- I can't wait.
- Good luck, Lolita.
(door opening)
(electronic device beeping)
(machine whirring)
(electronic device beeping)
(air swooshing)
Good luck, earth.
(upbeat music)
- And as your new commander
of the intrepid mission
to the Space Station.
(group cheering)
Yes, yes, yes, I know.
As is tradition, the next round is on me.
(crowd cheering)
- Congratulations.
Can I buy the hero a drink?
- [Announcer] The infamous Sasha,
international spy for hire.
- Have you made contact?
- He's putty in my hands.
He'll do anything I ask.
Maybe you could take this with
you when you go up to space?
When he installs the chip into the system,
it will turn the station
into a giant space laser.
(dramatic music)
(calm music)
(soft upbeat music)
- It is our last year,
Sarah, aren't you excited?
- I am.
I've got Dr. Walton's class this year.
Everybody raves about it.
- Who cares about classes, Dummy?
I'm talking about the parties.
You know, seniors have the best parties.
- They certainly do.
- Oh, now wouldn't you know.
How many times have you been a senior?
- Ha, ha, ha.
Like three times.
- Hi Joe.
- Hi Brandy.
- Hello everyone.
- Hey there, pretty
lady, what's your name?
- Lolita.
- Oh, Lolita.
- [Lolita] No, Lolita.
- [Joe] Whatever, so are you new?
- Yeah, it's my first day.
I'm afraid I don't know anyone.
- Well, I'm Joe.
This is Brandy and this is Sarah.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- So tell us about yourself.
Where are you from?
- I'm from Saginaw, Michigan.
- Really?
I have cousins in Saginaw.
What part?
- Uh, the Saginaw part.
- [Joe] Well, it doesn't matter.
- So did your family move here?
- No, I'm afraid it's just me
and I don't have anywhere to stay.
- Guys.
- I dunno.
- [Joe] Come on, it'll be perfect.
- What?
- Well, me, Brandy, and Sarah,
we got a place right off campus,
and our roommate just graduated last year.
- Yeah, finally.
- We need a roommate, you
need somewhere to stay.
It's like fate, right?
- Oh God, please.
- Well, I would love
to live with you guys.
I'm so new here and I have many questions.
- Well, then it's settled.
- It'll be fun to have
another girl in the house.
- I suppose.
- Yeah, we'll take you there
right after class, okay?
- That's rad.
- Excuse me?
(descending robotic tones)
- Oh, cool.
I mean, that's cool.
(light melodic music)
- Here we are, home, sweet home.
- We're gonna have so much fun this year.
- I sure hope so.
- Hey, I just noticed that
you don't have any luggage.
Were you at a hotel?
- A hotel?
Oh yes.
A commercial establishment
offering lodging to travelers.
Yes, my things are at the hotel.
I can pick them up later.
- Okay, on that note, I'm off to work.
- Where do you work?
- At the hospital, I'm a candy striper.
- You stripe candies?
- No, I'm a volunteer.
It's a part of my internship.
- Oh, well that sounds like a lot of fun.
Could I join you sometime?
- I don't know how much fun it is,
but I could ask permission.
- Thank you.
- All right, bye kids.
- Oh, I should get going myself.
- Do you stripe candies as well?
- Hardly, I'm a cocktail
waitress at the Corner Pub.
- I work there too, I'm a bartender.
- Do you have a job?
- No, but I'd love to
learn more about yours.
- Honey, I am a cocktail waitress.
It's hardly rocket science.
- Oh, I know all about rocket science.
I need to learn something new.
(upbeat music)
- And how is everything in
the world of science today?
- Well, that depends.
Chemistry and engineering
are going just fine.
It's biology that we're
having a problem with.
- Perhaps the time is right to go
with Walter's specialized talents.
Maybe you'll have more luck.
- [Scientist] You mean build a woman?
- [Dr. Carmichael] Why not?
Since the flesh and blood type
seems to be so mysterious to you.
(hands slapping)
- [Scientist] You know Dr.
Carmichael love doesn't come
from a mechanical device,
or from a potion or any of that nonsense.
- [Dr. Carmichael] You don't say.
- [Scientist] Love comes
from somewhere deep inside.
And some guys, well,
they have what it takes.
- Good, very good, very good.
(electricity buzzing)
And how are you feeling, my dear?
(Bionica screaming)
(jolly music)
No, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Now not so fast.
Be careful.
There's wires everywhere.
Now wait.
Wait for me.
(Bionica screaming)
I just want to have a look.
(upbeat music)
- Droid is ready for activation.
One perfect, loving,
responsive, incredibly sexual woman,
who will meet the needs
of an anti-sexual world.
(upbeat music continues)
- That's great.
- [Engineer] Where do
you think she's gone?
- I don't know, but we gotta find her.
I just hope that she's in a culture
that'll appreciate and accept her.
She's not a domestic or worker droid.
Let's remember what we designed her for.
- Doctor, I think she's
responding just fine.
- [Engineer 2] Those sensations
are the most important feature.
- [Engineer] We've got an overload.
She's burning up.
- [Veronica] I was made
for love and pleasure.
(groovy music)
- [Agent] Have they been deployed?
- They have.
The ocular cameras will go live
when they come within a
hundred feet of their target.
- [Agent] Good.
- Excuse me, is this seat taken?
- [Target] It is now.
- Caught without your briefs.
Say cheese.
Your wife may want a wallet size.
- I am what's known as a bikini model.
- My favorite kind.
(door opening)
- Hi.
- You're not the cable guy.
- Erm, no.
- [Senator] I can't afford another mishap.
- Unlike the other
candidates in this race,
Senator Bushwhacker
refuses to go negative.
- One thing's certain.
Despite the undisputed
charms of our bikini models,
we need new targets within
the respective organizations
If we're able to take down their
chief political strategist,
it's bound to have a negative
impact on their campaigns.
(whimsical music)
- Okay.
Joe, you coming?
- Actually, I have a later shift.
I'll see you there though.
- Yeah.
Okay, but behave.
- Yes, mother.
So, how about a dip in the pool?
- Are you sure Sarah won't
mind me borrowing her bikini?
- No, why would she care?
- You guys have been so nice to me.
- Yeah, that's us.
Nice.
- There's so much you can teach me.
- How about I teach you right now?
- Yes, please.
(groovy music)
(Lolita groaning)
- So what could possibly be troubling
a pretty lady like yourself?
- Look around.
Sometimes, I wish I was just invisible.
(camera shuttering)
- There's only one possible Miss February.
At least, if you are a team player.
- Look, not interested.
- [Sarah] What kind of professor are you?
- I'm a professor of chemistry.
I just need a willing subject
on which to test my formula.
I want to turn you invisible.
- Here goes nothing.
- You're...
You're...
- Invisible.
- [Professor] Yes.
(Sarah groaning)
- [Sarah] Take this.
(Sarah laughing)
- Who said that?
What's going on?
Ah.
- [Sarah] Take that.
And this.
Professor, this invisibility
formula is so liberating.
- Beautiful, isn't she?
I call her Eve.
- Hey, you haven't been...
- Oh, of course not.
Don't be ridiculous.
But she as cold as yesterday's fish.
- Nice rack.
- Not bad.
(electricity buzzing)
(upbeat rock music)
You're alive.
You're really alive.
- There is something strange about her.
I can't put my finger on it.
But I'd like to.
- Me too.
Another lonesome tale
About a lonely boy
(soft rock music)
- Okay, Lolita, I'm off to work.
Place closes around two,
so I'll be done around at three or so.
So you'll probably be
in bed when I get home.
- Would you like me to wait up for you?
- Yeah, about that.
- Yes?
- I think it might not be a good idea
to mention that to Sarah or Brandy.
- Why, did we do something wrong?
- No, not exactly.
Just, I don't wanna make
the other girls jealous.
You know?
Like I'm playing favorites.
- I guess so,
then why don't you just
have sex with them too?
- Wow.
They're really progressive
in Saginaw, huh?
- What?
Saginaw, right.
- Maybe we should just
keep it our little secret.
You know, there's only so
much of Joe to go around.
- Sure thing.
- That's my girl.
- What a strange race these humans are.
- Here we are, Anita,
our last year in college.
We gotta make our move this year.
Look a shooting star.
You make a wish on a shooting
star, it'll come true.
(choral singing)
(electricity buzzing)
- It's gonna be a great year.
- How could it not be?
You girls are lucky enough
to have the two biggest studs
on campus as your boyfriends.
- Yeah.
- Lucky?
You guys are the lucky ones,
that you have the two hottest chicks
from the coolest sorority to
even pay attention to you.
- [Anita] Well, what do you suggest we do?
We've been here for three
years and nobody notices us.
- I don't know, it's gotta be big.
- What the heck just happened?
- I don't know.
- [Alien Captor] Welcome
earthlings, to my Starship Polaris.
- [Anita] This can't be good.
- Welcome to the first day
of rush week at Gamma Phi.
Now girls, tell us what
qualifications you have
to be Gamma Phi sisters.
(upbeat rock music)
- [Club Owner] You wouldn't be
looking for a job, would you?
- As a matter of fact, we are.
- [Bunny's Boyfriend] Boy,
you sure are different
from the first time I saw you.
- Yeah, I know.
What are you doing here?
I thought you were dating Bunny.
- [Bunny's Boyfriend] I am dating Bunny.
But that's only because all
the guys in my fraternity
only date the girls in her sorority.
- [Marge] And because she's
the hottest girl in school?
- [Bunny's Boyfriend] Used to be.
- [Marge] Got that right.
(upbeat rock music)
- As we've all learned,
in the future most of our
universe will be destroyed
by an intergalactic war.
This war was brought on in part
by the discovery of our planet,
by the Orion Deep Space satellite.
A satellite created by
the man I'm married to.
This cannot happen.
- You still don't have the
plans for the new satellite?
- [Max] ] Not yet, but I'm close.
I'll have them soon.
- [Max's Boss] You do understand,
time is of the essence.
- [Carla] What's the answer?
- We must kill Max.
That's the only way to protect our world.
- Unfortunate but true.
He cannot be left to continue
his work on the satellite.
- Why, I bet my life,
I'll have those plans for
you by the end of the week.
- You just did.
- [Carla] Is it really
necessary to kill him?
Is there no other way?
- No, he must die
- There.
Better?
- We kept our promise.
I hope I can say the same for you.
- I have a pretty good
idea of what you're up to.
I don't blame you.
You are, after all, only human.
- Professor Zarren, I'm ready to report.
(ethereal music)
(machine whirring)
(door opening)
- What strange attire.
- You don't know the half of it.
- That's a swimsuit, isn't it?
What's colloquially called a bikini?
- Yes, but it was the
only thing I had to wear.
You didn't send me down there
with a change of clothes?
- Ah, yes, well, frankly,
I didn't know how long
you'd last down there.
But I'll make sure you get
all the clothes you need.
- Cool.
- Hmm.
I see you've picked up
on the wretched grammar.
So tell me more about your
interactions with the humans.
- Well, I met three college kids my age.
- I see.
And you conversed with them?
- More than that.
I moved in with them.
I've been studying them
in their home environment.
And tomorrow I'm going
to see where they work.
My report will be just swell.
- Swell?
I think we may have to
adjust your cortical implant.
Some of your information
seems to be outdated.
- Whatevs.
The best part was when
the male roommate, Joe,
introduced me to this thing they call sex.
- Sex, you say?
- Yes, it's this great
thing they do down there.
Have you heard of it?
- In passing.
- Whoever you are, don't shut me down.
The society is trying to stop me.
It was all part of the cleansing.
And this is what the society's after.
These, the stories.
(tense music)
(electricity zapping)
- [Sherri] We're back on the ship.
- No one has ever escaped from here.
- [Alien] This is no
pleasure planet Earther.
- [Alien 2] We're gonna
give you a whole cut.
(upbeat dreamy music)
- [Lolita] It's amazing the
tricks the mind can play.
- Look, it's not supposed to be 1955.
- [Lolita] Stories can lead to all sorts
of interesting discussions.
- If you do this, we can go home.
(electricity zapping)
(upbeat dreamy music)
- [Lolita] Who controls the
mind, controls everything.
- [Sherri] They just wanted to watch.
(upbeat dreamy music continues)
- You'll what I'm talking about
when you experience the stories.
Come on, love, danger's half the fun.
- In passing.
What was it like?
- It was great, but for some reason,
he said, I shouldn't tell the others.
- Ah, that's typical.
Secrecy is a big thing among the humans.
So, tell me more about the sex.
- Well, it's like...
No, it's more like you have to put...
Gosh, professor, it's
really hard to explain.
Can I just show you?
- Well in the interest of your report.
(dramatic music)
(tense music)
- Hey Tim, come check this out.
- [Gerald] We're rolling.
- Yes, Gerald, I know we are rolling
because I did not say cut.
- And you, sit.
- [Tim] Good find, B.
- Those must have been
the original owners.
- [Tim] A ghost still haunts us.
- [Dory] I can feel her presence.
- This woman, Cassandra Essex,
was a pouring star back in the eighties,
had this whole line of
tapes called Cassex.
And then one day she just disappears
off the face of the earth.
- Tim?
Dory?
- [Tim] No, this isn't what it looks like.
I can explain.
- [Dory] What are we ghosts now?
- [Tim] It's just a crazy trip.
We just gotta ride it out.
That's all it is.
- [Paramedic] You called for a paramedic?
- [Dory] Wait, you can see us?
- [Paramedic] You have
entered the next dimension,
the sex dimension
- Bitchin'.
- Well, I don't find any
of this very bitchin' Dory,
You've dragged my husband
into some kind of porno ghost planet.
- [Tim] Oh, come on, it's not real.
- Where can I chain this up?
- It's Cassex.
- I'll have to admit,
since I've been here,
I've been feeling certain urges.
(electricity buzzing)
- [Maggie] All work and no play
makes you very, very frustrated.
- I am not frustrated.
- Okay.
I won't say another word
except happy birthday.
(smooth music)
- [Announcer] Welcome
to Virtual Encounters.
- Oh my God, you scared me.
(scanner whirring)
- [Announcer] You have nothing to fear.
You are about to experience
the greatest thrill of your adult life.
- What is this?
- [Announcer] Your gateway to pleasure.
Please, disrobe.
(air swooshing)
Virtual Encounters is a
personalized private excursion
into the realms of your
heart's deepest desires.
- [Amy] I was right there.
(air swooshing)
(upbeat smooth music)
(air swooshing)
- [Announcer] I think you
are finally appreciating
all that virtual encounter has to offer.
- [Amy] I guess I just had so much
bottled up inside me.
- [Announcer] As I have shown
you in a virtual encounter,
you can take many forms.
- [Amy] Now I really know
how the other half lives.
- [Announcer] There are more
aspects to your sexuality
that you have not explored.
- [Amy] I want more.
You are killing me, Robbie.
- [Announcer] It is obvious
that this form of stimulation
is too much for you to handle.
- [Amy] Is that a challenge?
- [Announcer] Merely an observation.
Nothing beats the real thing.
- [Amy] It's incredible.
(ominous music)
- Here goes nothing.
(air swooshing)
- You really wanna be with her,
'cause I can arrange that.
It's a virtual reality system.
A computer generated
environment that allows you
to interact in cyberspace
with any number of programs.
You can do anything.
You can be anyone you want.
- That's me, cool.
- Make love to me one last time.
- [Onlooker] What the hell are you doing?
- So what's all this we've been hearing
about some kind of
perverted internet thing?
- It's not perverted,
it's virtual reality.
We are going to be rich.
(air swooshing)
(tense music)
- Come on now.
I don't wanna be the last
one on campus who's tried it.
I could feel everything.
- I wonder what got into her.
- This is great.
(drums beating)
(quiet electronic beeping)
- Your first report
was outstanding Lolita.
- Thank you, Professor.
- But I'll expect much
more in your next report.
- Of course.
- In fact, I'd like you to delve more
into this earth custom of sex.
We have nothing like
it in our own culture.
I think it'll be a great
learning experience for you.
- It already has been.
- I don't mean just participating.
I want you to actually
observe the native population
engaging in the activity.
- I would be happy to do that.
- I'm sure you will.
(Lolita laughing)
(upbeat music)
(spaceship booming)
- [Vala] This is Val 27,
report to the bridge.
(door opening)
(ethereal music)
- We are in orbit around the planet.
- Excellent.
Turn on the monitoring equipment.
Let's see what transmissions we can find.
- Right.
- Nothing will stand in the way
of our complete domination of the galaxy.
- [Isis] The computer has
identified two perfect subjects
for us to use as camouflage.
- [Subject 1] Hey, look at that.
- [Subject 2] What is it?
(object whirring)
- Vala?
- Isis?
- You are Jim.
- [Jim] Veronica's been
acting really weird.
- [Isis] For the last week,
we have inhabited the bodies
of your wives.
- [Jim] Oh really?
- Oh, and I suggest you tell no one.
I doubt they would believe you anyway.
(ethereal music)
(air swooshing)
(electronic device warbling)
- Okay, sector 72 all clear.
Moving on to sector 73.
- Sectors 73, moving
on from planet Neptune,
on to planet Pluto.
- Ah, remember Pluto's
not a planet anymore.
It's now a dwarf planet.
- I don't like to judge by size.
- Oh, well that's good to know.
- Sector 73, all clear.
- Roger that, all clear.
- Just like sector one through 72.
God, how much longer do
we have to keep looking
into deep space?
This is so boring.
- What, are you kidding me?
This experimental software
is a hundred times more effective
than the old stuff we were using.
- Yeah, so I get to see
that space is a hundred times more empty
than we all thought.
- You know, you should
consider yourself lucky
that you were selected
to help me test this.
I mean, I developed the software
and it's classified to the highest level.
Nobody's even gonna get this
until we're done with the testing trials.
- Woo hoo.
- Alright then.
Moving on from sector 73 to sector 74.
- Scanning.
(electronic device beeping)
- Hello.
Where the hell is everybody?
(upbeat music)
What in the hell is going on here?
- [Mabel] The end of Andromeda.
The pleasure planet is over.
Nowadays it's all virtual
reality and programmable dates.
No one wants to do it the
old fashioned way anymore.
Take a look around.
I've got no girls.
- Don't you worry Mabel.
We're gonna take care of this.
'Cause I know where the
women are the most beautiful
and the most beguiling in the universe.
- Is this Eros?
- This is it.
Even though this planet's
only colonized by women,
they all don't get along.
- [Jeeter] Take me to your leader.
- But you are our leader.
- You were caught
trespassing in our territory.
There are no men allowed.
- Does this please his majesty?
- [Jeeter] Oh, yes.
- Men are a disease.
They infect us, distract us,
and generally lower
the standard of living.
This man is violating me.
Prepare him for his execution.
- Let's go, come on, we
can get outta here now.
- I can't leave my people.
- [Narrator] Men, one kiss
from an incredible woman
and they turned to putty.
(funky music)
(wolf howling)
I like to be satisfied
- A man?
- Yes, a man.
He probably took a wrong turn
on the intergalactic highway
and crashed here.
- There's a little thing
here called frontier justice.
This here badge gives me the
right to do whatever I see fit
to carry out the law.
(funky music)
Oh, spaceman.
Maybe Earth men are different.
- [Delia] And who better to know than you?
- Boy, I can't wait for
the next guy who shows up.
- He's mine.
- [Announcer] In a far
off region of space,
this lonely crew-
- [Jason] Both of you spent so much time
in the virtual chamber it's a
wonder either one of you knows
how to handle a real woman.
- [Announcer] Will soon acquire
a mysterious cargo-
- Where ambassadors from Credos.
We're to join with the high commander
of the Galactic Alliance.
- [Astronaut] They are
genetically empathic.
- What do you mean, they can read minds?
- [Astronaut] Not so much
read minds as sense feelings.
- Jason.
- Perhaps I could soothe you.
(enchanting music)
- Look, she wants me.
- You obviously don't see
what these women are doing to you.
- Look, you should try it.
- We don't wanna go to the alliance.
- Ambassador Galen.
The Alliance is expecting
us to deliver this cargo
and if they don't get it,
they won't stop until they do.
(explosion booming)
- Direct hit.
- Prepare to die.
(blasters firing)
(explosion booming)
- [Announcer] Will this crew
continue on their mission?
Or journey through the deepest
parts of their desires?
(enchanting music)
- [Narrator] There's a
secret to our pleasures.
- [Announcer] Pleasurecraft.
- So, by the way,
what's going on with
that girlfriend of yours?
- Girlfriend?
You mean Candy?
I wouldn't call her my girlfriend.
We just started seeing each other.
- Just like a man,
terrified of commitment.
- I am not.
- Well, what are you?
Afraid that if you get
stuck with one girl,
you're gonna miss out on something?
- No, not at all.
- Are you sure?
- Of course, I'm sure.
What are you getting at?
- Steve, this universe has been around
for over 14 billion years.
- Right.
- So it'll still be around
if we took a little time off.
- Okay.
(upbeat music)
He's mine
So fine
- I know that I used
to be important to you,
until the school business got in the way.
- You know this job is important to me.
- I'm not talking about this job, Candy.
I'm talking about all
those sweet, sweet nights
that we used to spend together.
- Rick, you know, that's all over.
I started seeing a really nice guy
and I don't wanna screw it up.
- Who?
That scientist guy, Steve?
You told me it wasn't exclusive with him.
- Yeah, but he's a really great guy.
And look at the necklace he just got me.
- Well, ain't that sweet.
But I don't see a ring on your finger.
- I know.
So can I go?
It's getting slow, Athena can cover.
(ethereal music)
- Anything over in sector 98?
- No, sector 98 is clear.
(electronic device beeping)
- [Steve] Holy crap.
- What, what?
- No, look at this.
There's a class 12 asteroid
on a collision course with Earth.
- Is that bad?
- Is that bad?
Are you serious?
With that trajectory and that velocity,
it's gonna be here in six hours.
- What kind of damage can that do?
- Right now we're looking at
a 3000 mile wide asteroid.
We're talking an extinction level event.
- And you know all this
because of your experimental software?
- Exactly.
We have to do something.
- What can we do?
- The Goldberg plasma cannon.
- Steve...
- It's the only thing that
can deflect this asteroid.
- Steve.
- The Air Force completed
construction on it
six months ago and it's just
an hour away up the mountain.
We can go there, we can do this.
- Steve, don't you remember?
There was a key part of the
software of the plasma cannon
that was never installed.
- Of course.
- They were afraid it was gonna
be leaked into enemy hands,
or maybe even hit the black market.
- So as is, the cannon is totally useless.
- I guess there's
nothing that can be done.
- No, I have an idea.
Come on, come with me.
- Wait, wait, what is it?
(light music)
(upbeat music)
- Hey, if we have to get home
before our parental units,
dude, don't you think you
better step on it Xena?
(upbeat music)
(all screaming)
(dinosaur roaring)
(all screaming)
- Dinosaurs, chase those chicks.
I command you.
(dinosaur roaring)
- He's one of those (indistinct)
- I like fire in a woman, it turns me on.
- What are you talking about?
- Got to go.
(dinosaur roaring)
(upbeat music)
- [Professor] The experiment
was a smashing success.
We took you all the way back to 1780.
- That's incredible.
But I think I might have
misbehaved a little professor.
- Yes, you were very naughty.
I think one of the
phenomenons of time travel
is that it makes people
lose certain inhibitions.
It makes them feel like giving
into their secret desires.
(upbeat rock music)
- And I am so horny right now.
What's going on?
- It's a side effect of time travel.
- [Lara] What can we do about it?
- [Sara] Nothing.
We just have to get it out of the way
so we can get on with our mission.
- [Lara] You mean let's not waste time.
- [Announcer] Bored by their husbands...
- How do you keep Howard interested?
- To make love with Howard,
you have got to schedule an appointment
six weeks in advance.
- [Announcer] These two ladies
are looking for an adventure,
in a town that once was.
But they'll get more
than they bargained for.
- What?
- I'm stuck.
- [Time Traveler] Like,
what year is this again?
- 1888.
- [Announcer] An adventure through time.
- Oh, I got a pistol, all right.
The question is, can you handle it?
- [Announcer] Now to get back,
they must adapt to the old ways.
- Can I get you boys everything else?
- [Announcer] And discover
just how wild the west can be.
- Keep your hands off the chef.
- Oh, keep your hands off of me.
- [Time Traveler] I want
him to do things to me.
- There ain't nothing wrong with that.
(plate hitting head)
(door opening)
(fist hitting face)
(upbeat blues music)
(door breaking)
- Things around here, are
curiouser and curious.
- [Announcer] Time gate.
Tales of the Saddletramps.
- After years of extensive research,
we were able to propel an individual
into any period along the time stream.
- We should take a trip.
- Where's Leon?
- I think he's back in the
court of Louis the 16th.
- Marie Antoinette.
- Who are you?
- I have to bring Leon back on my own.
(electronic device beeping)
(upbeat pulsing music)
Is this Paris?
(hands clapping)
Hey.
- [Palace Worker] All men
are forbidden in the palace.
Unless you're a guard or a eunuch.
- Well, Leon's definitely not a eunuch.
- The only man you will ever
make love to will be me.
- A long time, I was off
there about 400 years.
- Shouldn't you be wearing something?
(door banging open)
You know, if you're trying to distract me,
it's working.
(upbeat music)
(machine whirring)
(electronic device beeping)
- Hello, Chuck, Darlene and Melissa.
If you are viewing this, assume the worst.
M6, the newly formed
government intelligence agency
has threatened to take over
the time travel program.
- When she said assume the
worst, what does she mean?
- It means Professor Conrad
is no longer with us.
You three are working for us now.
Did I mention that you have no choice?
- Now?
(person groaning)
- I've programmed the timeline coordinates
into the activate remotes.
We can skip through
time, plant the beacons
and be home before dinner.
(air swooshing)
- Witch.
- Relax, Arthur.
- Arthur, Merlin, oh boy.
(air swooshing)
- They're gonna do all of our dirty work
and we're gonna get to reap the rewards.
You are so evil.
- Welcome to Camelot.
- Hey man.
Far out, man.
- I can't track them.
They're lost in time.
- [Time Traveler's Lover]
Before you go have a brownie.
- Whoa.
- You are to be here at this moment
and to be with Arthur,
in the connubial sense.
- Oh boy.
- [Merlin] Well, his real problem is
he's never been with any ladies.
- Step away from the machine.
- [Arthur] I've never
felt so free, so alive.
- Now how do you feel?
(upbeat music)
- [Time Traveler] This
doesn't look like 1968.
- Just a little less- (indistinct)
- [Announcer] Yes, the great
man himself, Leonardo Da Vinci.
- [Time Traveler 2] Yeah,
I've already affected enough history.
- [Time Traveler] Arthur's
convinced that he loves me
and wants to marry.
- Wow, I think I'm
having an acid flashback.
- [Arthur] Let's start a new
history for us right now.
(air swooshing)
(upbeat music)
- [Announcer] In the distant future...
- Entire planets became part
of the great corporation of America.
- [Announcer] Sex has become a crime.
- [Criminal] You know
that all carnal activities
are against the law.
- You mean sex wasn't
against the law back then?
- An uptight bitch named Camella Swales
started the movement.
She had no use for sex herself,
so she convinced the board
that there wasn't any profit in it.
- [Announcer] But to change our future...
- Wow, look at Miss August.
Samantha Cummings.
And to think people gave
this up for a dental plan.
- [Announcer] They will devise a plan.
- What the hell is it?
- It's a time chamber.
- How do you know?
- 'Cause I'm smart.
And it says so right down there
- [Announcer] To return to the past.
(doors closing)
(upbeat music)
- We've come from your future.
Our mission here is to prevent
a corporate takeover of the planet
and the banning of sex
between consenting adults.
(electricity buzzing)
- [Announcer] Now they're dressing up.
- [Student] This is an all
girls school, remember.
- I'm not dressing up as a girl.
You can't make me.
- [Announcer] And going undercover.
- Ingrid and Heidi, is it?
- Uh huh.
- Hello.
- I'm Samantha, Samantha Cummings.
- [Announcer] And to save the
world from a terrible fate.
- It's Camella Swales,
she's got to be stopped.
(Camella grunting)
- All we have to do is find
the right person for her.
It could change her entire outlook.
- Make love to Camella Swales?
You're out of your mind.
- Here's the bad news,
there's a cyborg after us.
- [Time Traveler] A cyborg?
- I have been engineered to replicate
the perfect physical specimen
of man, in every way.
- In every way?
- Get a load of this sweet cake.
(Camella screaming)
(upbeat music)
- [Announcer] Morgan Fairchild.
- How could I get in touch with you?
- I'll be back.
- I'll be back?
- [Announcer] Virgin hunters.
(chilled blues music)
- You know what?
I'm getting really tired of this.
Okay, three times in a row.
For my birthday, a homemade card.
For a Valentine's Day, a homemade card.
And now tonight, really?
- Well, I'm studying astronomy
at the local community college.
My boyfriend Steve, is a scientist
and he works in deep space tracking,
and he gave me this experimental program
to help me with my studies.
He's probably getting the
same signal right now.
(liquid pouring)
- Oh.
Woo, again.
(liquid pouring)
- Look, I said I'm really sorry.
What else do you want me to say?
- Sorry?
I asked for the short shift tonight
because you were supposed
to take me to dinner.
- [Greg] Something else came up.
- Something else came up?
Something else came up,
that's the best you can do?
- It's the truth.
- Okay, well, let me tell you something.
As far as I'm concerned when I'm around,
nothing's gonna be coming up from now on.
Get my drift?
- Ouch.
- You heard?
- Kind of hard not to.
Her voice carries.
- Yeah.
- Oh, by the way, have you
met our new roommate, Lolita?
- Hey.
- Well, hello there, Sailor.
- Hey, Joe, (indistinct) for a second.
- Hey, do you wanna know a secret?
- Hey doll, you got a secret?
- I do.
I am an alien.
- What, from like Mexico or something?
- No, silly, from outer space.
- Sure, and my grandmother's a yak.
- She is?
- I think you've had a
little bit too much to drink.
- You don't believe me, do you?
- No, not really.
- I'll prove it.
(ethereal music)
- (gasping) How did you...
- [Lolita] It's easy when you can traverse
fifth dimensional space.
- Hey, you wanna get outta here?
- You wanna have sex with me, don't you?
- Well.
- Come on.
(blues music)
- [Announcer] From across
a vast sea of stars,
a voyager has received our signal
and accepted our
invitation to make contact.
- Then you've come to the right place.
Just gimme a minute to
get things going here.
Grab a stool.
- You're new here, aren't you?
- Very new.
- I'm Drew.
- My name's...
Kara.
- [Announcer] She has
come from the cold regions
of deep space,
to explore the warmth
of our sexual desires.
(pulsing music)
- Do you find this book
on aliens interesting?
- I've always had this fantasy
that I'd be the first one on the planet
to meet an alien from outer space.
- If I'm dreaming, don't wake me.
(ethereal synth pulsing)
(camera shuttering)
(tense music)
- It's kind of weird, kind of kinky.
- It's a great experience.
(electricity buzzing)
- There's something I would
like to share with you.
Go on, resist some more,
I think it's pleasurable.
(synth swelling)
You said you wanted to meet
an alien from outer space.
- You mean to tell me that you're from...
- [Announcer] Femalien.
- [Kara] Successful.
I've taken the shape of the human female
and I'm calling myself Kara.
- Kara?
- Collector 3879's Earth name.
- Very nice feeling.
- We've come to escort
collector 3879, back to Alteria.
She's been on this planet
for well over one of its solar years.
- Terry, it happened, they've arrived.
- What are you talking about?
- The visitors from out there.
Come on.
- [Sun] Do you know where she is?
- [Gina] I think I know how to find her.
(upbeat music)
- I can track 'em with this.
If they've landed, I'll find them.
- I recall from Kara's reports
that extreme amounts of pleasure
were derived from simply
touching each other.
- Okay, she claims to be an alien
and she's running around Venice,
swapping erotic stories with people.
- It makes perfect sense, doesn't it?
She's very evasive.
She's made quite a name for herself.
- Look, foreplay.
(upbeat rock music)
Doesn't this affect you?
- I wonder how big it will get.
- Hey.
- Kiss each other.
Of all the sensations
I found on this planet,
that simple act seems to
be the most rewarding.
Sometimes you just have
to say to hell with orders
and follow your heart.
(upbeat rock music continues)
- I don't wanna go back.
- These humans,
they just can't keep their
hands off each other.
(funky music)
(air swooshing)
- Welcome to the midday meal.
Our special today is blue.
- We were hoping to
experience a wide variety
of taste sensations that
humans seem to revel in.
- You guys aren't been
around here, are you?
- We're from Paris.
- Yes, Paris.
(down tempo funky music)
- Insurrection, Madam President,
an underground rebel
group calling itself Carp
is gaining popularity amongst the people.
- Carp?
- [President's Aide] Citizens
against regulated promiscuity.
- Fellow citizens of planet Earth,
welcome to the Carp Underground.
- [President's Aide] They
want their insidious message
to reach as many people as possible
and they will stop at
nothing to accomplish this.
- They want us all to have sex?
- What we are about to do,
we do for you planet Earth.
(smooth grooving music)
Our message is getting out.
If we can stay two steps ahead
of the bureau of responsible behavior,
we can turn things around.
- We intercept dozens
of these transmissions
on a daily basis.
- How could they give
up all those pleasures?
- I think they put something in the gruel
that suppresses desires.
- We're not allowed to interfere
with the course of Earth's history.
But this is definitely wrong.
- Okay, you guys aren't
really from Paris, are you?
- Actually, we are.
Paris on another planet
in the Alterian system,
which is just a few galaxies over.
We come in peace.
- Oh, that's what they all say.
Blast them.
- We developed ways to
turn what you call passion
into pure energy waves.
- So if we get passionate...
- [Alien] There is no limits
to what we can accomplish.
- [Beth] Let's rock.
- [Narrator] Everything is under control.
And control is everything after all.
(electronic interference warbling)
- [Pilot] Easing her in now.
Maybe you wanna grab onto something.
My research team has followed me
to the ends of the charted galaxy
on a quest to kill a God.
(tense ominous music)
- [Marion] Professor.
Professor.
(liquid sloshing)
(upbeat tense music)
- I don't know if it's appropriate
you calling me professor anymore.
Empress Dara'Tel seems only fitting.
Yes, she likes that.
Kneel my subjects, kneel
before your empress.
The pod commands it.
(electronic device beeping)
(upbeat music)
- What?
No, there must be some mistake.
- [High Council Member]
The Alterian High Council
is an ageless cosmic tribunal.
We do not make mistakes.
- [Gab-E] Do you think we'll
find something of interest?
- Nothing too sexy, or they
never would've said to us.
- [High Council Member] We
have the utmost faith in you,
collector 4878.
- [Maxy] Primitive.
- Right?
A classic.
I'm here too.
Let's take it for a spin.
- Nope.
No, stop, stop.
(engine blasting)
Hey, let's leave that out of the report.
Cool?
- [Gab-E] Cool as the ice
moon on party planet seven.
- Meet my friends, Maxy and Gab-E.
When I found them,
they were naked and shameless.
- I slept with a man today.
- How could you Jeetz?
- Ah, yes.
Earth's slang for sexual intercourse.
I prefer porking.
- You are from the system, aren't you?
- [Maxy] In a way, yes.
- There's more to these
(indistinct) than meets the eye.
These are ancient beings of great power.
- [Professor] We are in the
layer of an ancient beast
that has been feeding on
people since we've arrived.
- Pod craves their power,
but it fears them as well.
- Maxy, are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
- We share a hive mind.
(camera shuttering)
So yes.
(small explosion booming)
(upbeat jazz music)
- What are you guys?
(spaceship engine blasting off)
(upbeat music)
(water flowing)
- May I join you?
- Sure.
Well, well,
looks like someone's a bit
under the weather this morning.
- For some reason I woke up this morning
with a terrible headache
and a dry taste in my mouth.
- That's called a hangover.
It happens when you drink too much.
- It hardly makes it seem worth it.
- Yep.
- What's wrong?
- I don't know.
- [Lolita] Is it Greg?
- They say that to keep a man happy,
you have to keep his stomach
full and his ball's empty.
Well, I mean, that's what
my grandma used to say.
But I'm not so sure anymore.
- Do you think Greg is unhappy?
- I don't know, he's always making excuses
not to see me, breaking dates,
I don't know what to think.
- [Lolita] You are in love with Greg.
It doesn't matter how much money he has.
- I just need someone more responsible.
You know?
- [Lolita] You are quite
a strong-willed person.
- I guess so.
- But you love Greg, right?
- Sure, but I've gotta think
about what's right for me.
- But the sex is great.
I mean, isn't it?
- Yeah, but there's
gotta be something more.
(spaceship guns firing)
(dramatic music)
- Is everything ready as planned?
- Standing by.
- [Master] And the princess is here?
- [Subordinate] She is.
Our intelligence was correct.
- [Master] And is she alone?
- [Subordinate] No, master.
She has one bodyguard with her.
- [Master] Only one?
- [Bodyguard] We don't have much time.
- Do you think this
thing will actually fly?
- There's only one way to find out.
(spaceship engine whirring)
Fingers crossed, we've got incoming.
(spaceship guns firing)
- Soon, this rotten little
asteroid will be all mine.
- [Bodyguard] We only have one choice.
We need to jettison
ourselves off of this ship
and take our chances.
- [Princess] Chances?
But where?
- [Bodyguard] There's a planet
straight ahead.
(explosion booming)
(satellite beeping)
(tense music)
(synth swelling)
(Princess and Bodyguard breathing heavy)
- Well, that could have been worse.
(upbeat rock music)
- Lolita, I've been
waiting for you all night.
Did you talk to her?
What'd she say?
- Slow down.
I talked to her.
She does love you.
- I knew it.
Did you give her one of
those little suggestions?
- No, I couldn't.
Her will is too strong.
- I don't understand.
- Listen, Greg, it's not about the money.
It's about you being more
caring and responsible.
- Oh, that's just what chicks say
when they want a guy to unload
a bunch of dough on them.
- I believe that she was sincere.
- Yeah.
(cash register bell dinging)
(cash rustling)
(cash register closing)
(upbeat rock background music continues)
Hey, lemme buy you a drink.
- Oh gosh, I don't know if I should.
I don't want another one of
those horrible hangovers.
- You'll be fine, trust me.
Do I ever steer you wrong?
- I guess not.
(glass clinking)
- Here.
Bottoms up.
- [Lolita] Ooh.
(Lolita laughing)
- How you feeling?
- That'll put some hair on my chest.
- Attagirl.
Hey, listen, remember the night
where you put your hand
through the tabletop?
- Sure.
Fifth dimensional, stud.
- Yeah, okay.
Can you do that with anything?
- Yeah.
- And whatever you touch
becomes immaterial as well?
- That's right.
- Well, I don't believe you.
- Oh, I would not lie.
- Then prove it.
See that cash register over there?
Go and pull whatever's in there, out.
- No problem.
(upbeat rock background music continues)
(synth music swelling)
(bell dinging)
See, I told you.
- Oh my God, babe, I'm
sorry I ever doubted you.
I gotta go, I'll see you later.
- Bye.
(Lolita sighing)
(glass clinking)
I'll tell you when, Bub.
(tense music)
- Once we have signed
the treaty with Krella,
we will finally gain
access to their technology
and be able to stop these terrible storms,
which are nearly destroying our planet.
- What do you know about
this Empress Krella?
Can she be trusted?
- Let the invasion begin.
- [Captain] This is Captain
(indistinct) of the space fleet.
We are under attack.
- It's a delegation of
the Vulvian Empire State.
- [Captain] The Vulvian
Empire are the ones attacking.
- [Vema] I knew they couldn't be trusted.
- [Princess Farra] What are we to do?
- [Vema] I must get you to safety
immediately, your highness.
- [Princess Farra] But my people.
- You'll do them no good dead.
- We were told that she would be here.
She couldn't have escaped.
I must have her- (indistinct)
The moment I saw Princess Farra's beauty,
I knew that I must have her.
I will have her.
(spaceship guns firing)
- We've got one on our tail.
- I see it, hold on.
(spaceship guns firing)
(ethereal music)
(air swooshing)
- Hello, Professor.
- Are you prepared to deliver your report?
- Well, I certainly wanna fill you in
on Earth's social customs
and this strange thing
that they call a hangover.
- Yes, I'm aware.
Young lady, you have a
lot of explaining to do.
Come with me.
Lolita, I've been monitoring
your activities from orbit.
- Oh, I didn't know that.
- Obviously.
Let's review some of your
activities, shall we?
(calm orchestral music)
- Wow.
I was just engaging in a typical
human social interaction.
This is what they do.
- This is not the problem either.
Look at this.
- I'm an alien.
- What do you have to say for yourself?
- Honestly, professor, it
was all that jazz and liquor.
- I see.
And this?
What do you have to say about this?
- Gosh, I really don't remember that.
- You have broken Earth's laws.
- I'm really sorry, Professor.
- Sorry just isn't good
enough this time, Lolita.
You've created this problem
and you're going to fix it.
- I will.
Somehow.
I promise.
(air swooshing)
- Whoa.
- Yes, it is I.
And it's time that you all knew the truth.
I'm sent here from another
planet to study your world.
- What?
- Don't attempt to deceive
me any further, Greg.
It's time to set things straight.
To start.
(electronic device beeping)
(Sarah gasping)
- My necklace.
- Holy.
- Whoa.
- I'm sorry, Sarah.
That necklace was bought with money
that I stole from the bar, thanks to Greg.
- Greg.
- Guys, geez.
Come on.
- I've returned the necklace
and the money back to the pub
and I'm still not sure what
I'm going to do with you yet.
- Well, I mean, gosh,
you should probably...
- I can't believe this.
Greg.
- Are you really an alien?
- Yes, I am.
But I'm afraid I must
be leaving you all soon.
My time here is nearly up.
We'll really miss you.
- And I'll miss you guys too.
You've taught me much
that I'll take with me.
From you, Joe and Brandy,
I've learned to always follow your heart,
no matter where that might lead.
And from you, Sarah,
I've learned to be
strong and self-assured.
I'm sorry about Greg.
I wish there was something
that I could do for you.
- Hmm.
Well maybe there's something
I could do for you.
- [Lolita] What do you mean?
- Well, surely your
study of human sexuality
can't be complete without
studying all aspects of it,
right?
(smooth piano music)
- With your consent,
the three of you are about to participate
in an exchange program unlike
any in the history of mankind.
18 months ago, we made contact
with Alien beings from Venus.
With their able assistance,
we've constructed a mind transfer device.
The counterpart of which
is located on their world.
And we'd like you three
girls to be their hosts.
We're talking about the
transfer of consciousness.
(upbeat music)
Venusian minds inhabiting your bodies,
but only for one week.
After that, you'll
reintegrate with your bodies
and be free to go about your lives
with all charges against you dismissed.
- What makes us so special?
I mean, there's no way we're
the most qualified candidates.
I'm a hooker.
- Drug runner.
- Jay Walker.
Well, I was in a rush
to get across the street
from the liquor store I just robbed.
- [Hooker] There you go.
So why us?
- It was at the special
request of Venusians.
You are all very attractive women.
- As scary as it all
sounds, they are scientists.
- What does that have to do with anything?
- What are you?
Republican?
- [Hooker] Look, all I'm saying
is it sounds a little too
Abbott and Costello meets Frankenstein.
- I was thinking freaky Friday.
- [Hooker] There's no
accounting for taste.
- Mind transfer,
in 3,
2,
Now.
(device whirring)
(ethereal music)