Scooter (2019) Movie Script

[birds chirping]
[scooter revving]
[soft piano music]
[dramatic music]
[dramatic orchestral music]
- All right ladies and
we have come to the question
and answer portion of our
Today's first question is
from Bill from The Springs,
and he asks, "Where do you
come up with the stupid
"ideas for your show?"
All right.
- That's an easy one.
We're just full of stupid ideas.
- Very true.
- It's very true,
but we thank you anyways for
watching our stupid show.
[dramatic orchestral music]
- Vehicles to the starting line.
On your marks,
get set,
[dramatic orchestral music]
[Paul exclaims]
- [Paul] Are you kidding me?
- Vehicles to the starting line.
[tricycles squeaking]
On your marks,
get set,
- Yeah!
- Oh, this time I got it.
- Practice technique!
- This time I got it.
- Taste my lightening, brothers!
Uh, thank you.
Our next question is
from Sarah in Greensboro,
and she wants to know, "Is Juansingle?"
- Ooh.
I guess I'll field this one,
Yes, Sarah from Greensboro
and other ladies, I am single.
- Yeah, there's a reason for
- Yeah, Sarah, I don't know you,
but I do know that you can
do much better than Juan.
- Asshole.
[Will chuckles]
[dramatic orchestral music]
- [Paul] Yeah.
Let's go.
[dramatic orchestral music]
[dramatic music]
- Welcome, ladies and gentlemen,
to episode 23 of The Three
where you goes where we goes.
Now, we have a very special
episode planned for you today
and of course, it all
begins with our challenge.
So let's get into it and find
what we're gonna be doing.
That shake did not do anything.
We need to get like smaller
or like a giant fishbowl for
next time.
- Somethin'.
- Just a note for everyone at
All right, today's challenge.
Man, this is a big one.
- How big?
- Can we just read it?
- Yeah, today's big challenge
is we will be driving
to New Orleans.
- Oh, that's not too bad.
- Mm.
On scooters.
- On what?
- Scooters.
All right, the challenge is youmust drive
866 miles from Miami to
New Orleans on scooters
with engines not to exceed 50 ccin size.
Oh man.
Which one of you assholes
came up with this idea?
- It wasn't me.
That sounds like torture.
50 cc?
Are you kidding me?
- Come on guys, I just,
I wanted to change the pace.
We always do everything so hardand fast.
Why not do something slow?
- Oh what, for 866 miles?
You're crazy.
- I wanna go to Mardi Gras.
- Dude, Mardi Gras happens oncea year.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- What?
- Oh my gosh.
- I understand, you wanted
to make a challenge,
so let's make it a challenge,
and I'm imposing a $1,000 limit.
- Okay, that's not that bad.
I can find a nice ride
for a thousand bucks.
- No, no, no, no, no, not just
I'm talking everything, total.
So that's ride, but it's also
and gas and parts, everything.
- Yeah, okay, that's cool.
- Yeah.
- That doesn't sound leisurely
at all.
- No, no, no, no, it's not
supposed to be leisurely.
It's supposed to be a challenge,
and it's supposed to be super
- Yeah, I agree.
- Okay, we all agree.
You agree?
Well you better fuckin'
agree, this was your idea
and your challenge.
- Okay fine, agreed.
- There we go.
Three agrees, so let's go,
let's go pick out our hogs.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
We can't call 'em hogs, bro.
- Why would I not call 'em hogs?
- Because they're not,
they're bitch mobiles.
- Agreed.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, all right, so let's justgo
and pick out our bitch mobiles.
These are pretty small, dude.
What's the top speed on one of
freakin' hellcats anyways?
- [Man] About 70.
- [Will] I know that is
not in miles per hour.
- [Man] Mm, kilometers.
[Will laughs]
- [Will] You know what
that is in miles per hours?
- [Man] About 43.
- Oof.
Well, it's gonna be a very slowride then.
But you know what?
We're gonna make it work
with this bad boy right here.
- You know, I've never
been on a scooter, but,
this won't be a problem.
This is scary as shit, I am notgonna lie.
There's no doors, there's no
I'm a ride things with a roof
kind of guy.
I'm not gonna lie, the
seats are pretty comfy.
- Those two other guys,
they went corporate.
I decided to go local.
This beauty right here?
Only cost me $500.
Oh, it's about to start raining.
I'll see you guys out there.
- So this is our gear.
Everywhere, this is the gear
we're gonna be bringing on the
We just wanna make sure
that everybody at home knows
how our show is made.
- It's also good for us becausewe can see
if anything's missing
at the end of a shoot.
- Yep, no doubt.
We go through a shit ton of
action cams.
We should probably own stock.
- Yeah, that is very true.
Yeah, so, yeah, like I
said, this is the gear.
That's it here.
So let's go and get packed.
All right, so as you can see,
my whole approach to this
will be to pack very
lightly, very aerodynamic,
and as such, I'll be packing
only one pair of my underwear.
Now I know what you're
thinking, hey, that's gross.
But here's the solution.
This is called Dr. Bronner's
I'll be using this to wash out
my balls
as well as my my hair,
keeping it silky and smooth,
and in a pinch, will be
a disgusting toothpaste.
And now, as you can
tell, I'm halfway done.
As soon as the backpack
is zipped, good to go.
- These guys are always
worried about the wrong thing.
I got clothes and shit,
but this is the thing.
I'm bringin' El Cuchillo.
This is gonna do a lot
more than a pair of socks.
- I'm taking a different
approach with this trip.
I'm not even gonna worry about
Usually I try and pack for thisscenario
or that scenario, but this time,
I'm just bringing some clothes,my headphones, and myself.
You know, at the end of the day,
you can pack as much as you
It really won't help.
- What's that?
- That is our tent.
- Oh no, we're not doing this
again, bro.
- Oh yes, we are.
- Not it.
- No, no, no, no, no.
We don't do no's goes here.
I'm sure all of you know
that when we decide things,
we decide it the Three Amigoes
and that's why we go to
the straws of justice.
So ladies, you know how this
Take your pick.
- I'll go first.
- Fuck it.
- Ready to reveal?
One, two, three.
[Paul groans]
- God, this is bullshit.
- Yeah, it's bullshit, but
it's your bullshit now, man.
You're taking the tent.
Is that it?
Everything's good, man.
We got everything done here.
We have our rides, everything'spacked,
so there's only one thing to donow.
Let's hit the road.
[wind blowing]
- Yo, this aint so bad.
- Yeah.
Only 865 more miles to go.
[Paul laughs]
[wind blowing]
[car honks]
- [Man] Fuck you.
- [Man] Get off the road.
- Okay.
So, here's what I'm thinking.
That was a very poor
start to our challenge,
but we'll be fine.
- What the hell are you talkingabout?
- I'm saying we just need to getused
to riding on the highways.
- Dude, we almost died.
- We didn't though, we survived.
Ma'am, this is delicious
coffee, by the way.
- [Woman] Oh, good.
- [Juan] Dude, it was rough outthere.
- [Woman] Do you want some morecoffee?
- Yes, please.
You guys want more coffee?
- No, I'm fine, thank you.
- [Juan] No, I'm good, thank
- All right then.
- Thank you.
You're missing out on very goodcoffee.
- Okay, fuck the coffee.
We're staying off the highway.
- Dude, the coffee's okay.
- Yeah, don't fuck the
coffee and we're not
staying off the highway.
You now how long it's gonna taketo get
to New Orleans from Miami if
we don't take the highway?
- Um, no, I don't.
Do you?
- I do.
It's gonna take a lot longer.
- Oh, is that your scientific
- It doesn't have to be a
It's an obvious answer.
The highways move faster,
the minimum speed limit's
40 miles per hour.
We do 40, plus three.
- Okay, um, we're taking the
back roads.
- Yeah, you know what?
Back roads.
And that's two, by the way.
- Thank you.
- I understand that that's two,
but you're thinking illogically.
You just wanna use the drone.
- Damn straight I wanna use thedrone.
That way we can set up in the
get some nice beauty shots.
- I wanna make it clear that I
that this is a mistake
and I will not agree
with either of you but
I will respect the vote,
as I always do, and uh,
we will find ourselves
in New Orleans in a year.
[scooters buzzing]
[soft, rhythmic music]
- [Will] Yo, we've been
on the road a while.
Do you guys wanna take a break?
- Yeah, you know, we
should do something fun.
- [Will] Yeah, we can get some
- Oh guys.
There's a mermaid show nearby.
- That's perfect.
- Oh?
- Sounds good, sounds great.
[wind blowing]
- Ready?
There's mermaids here.
[Paul mumbles]
You know, for those of you who
don't know,
it is a well established
thing I would call,
that Paul here has a deep
seated fetish for mermaids.
- Come on, that's not true.
Look, I said the Little Mermaidwas hot.
Which she is, okay?
- Trust me, it's a thing.
- It's not a thing.
- Oh my god, Paul, would you
look at
the fins on this one?
- Wait, where?
- It is a thing.
- Fuck the both of you.
- Excuse me.
Um, my friend was too shy to
but do you have like any lotionavailable?
- No.
- Mm, do you have any
like, tissues or anything?
- Okay, everybody follow me.
We're gonna right through there.
- I'm so sorry.
It looks like you're gonna haveto
clean up your own boys, man.
- Shut up.
Get your hands off me, man.
[Juan chuckles]
- You know, you're aware that
mermaids are not real, right?
- Yeah, I'm well aware, thank
- Yeah.
But Paul, look, we're here.
- [Paul] God, I can't stand youguys.
- Thank you.
Actually, can you help us?
We have an expert here, on
I'm sorry for touching you
and I apologize everybody for
ruining your day for a second.
- [Paul] Will's a weirdo.
- But Paul has a sensual
attraction to mermaids,
but he also believes that
they're real.
I just want you to confirm, arethey?
- Of course they are 'cause
at the mermaid show.
- Thank you so much.
- You heard it here first
on the Three Amigoes,
mermaids confirmed real.
- Yeah, they're real.
- Well, just,
we'd like to thank our expert.
- All right.
Well welcome to the Journey
Under the Sea.
- You know, that wasn't so bad.
- Eh, I've seen better.
- You know what though?
I actually wanna formally
apologize to Paul
because that was actually
the hottest mermaid
I've ever seen in my life.
[Juan laughs]
- All right, well, it's over.
Can you just stop it now?
- No, no, no, I'm being serious.
That was like, I don't know, itwas like
the mystery of it, like,
what's under those shells?
Are they like real boobs?
Are they fish boobs?
Are they--
- I think those are foobs.
- [Paul] We can call 'em
- Actually, I'm gonna go run
to the restroom real quick.
- [Juan] Dude, the
bathrooms are in the front.
- [Will] No, no, there's other
- No, no, just let him go, bro.
Let him go.
- Go ahead, though.
- I'm so tired of him talking,
All he does is talk.
He doesn't stop.
- I know, I know.
But you know, he's just having
- Yeah, having fun bullying me.
- Listen, man, it's not
his fault that you've
got a thing for scales.
- Shut up, shut up, shut
up, shut up, it's over.
Drop it, please.
- We came here just for you.
I thought you would like it.
- Oh, I love it.
[Juan laughs]
- You know, we could just leavehim.
- Oh, listen.
This is riveting entertainment.
You tuned in for a dramatic
through the deep south,
and instead, you get--
- Will Arbana, taking a piss.
- Will Arbana taking a piss.
Ugh, god, stay tuned to
see what happens next.
- No, no, no, no.
Better yet, come back after thebreak
and watch us go with the flow.
- Hey Will Arbana.
Someone must've ate asparagus.
- Ugh, you know, he may not
be completely full of shit,
but he is a total--
- Yo.
Yo, yo.
- What?
- Do you hear that?
- What?
- Dude.
It sounds like someone fucking.
- No, what?
- No, bro, I'm serious, I hear
- [Juan] What the?
[Juan gasps]
[woman moaning]
[heavy breathing]
[Paul laughs]
- Yo!
[woman screams]
Are you serious?
- What the fuck are you doing?
Turn off the camera.
- Bro.
Come on bro.
- [Will] Dude, turn
that fucking camera off.
- Bro, look at you.
- She was a fan, dude, what
the fuck are you doing?
- You knew it was my fetish,
- She's a real person, she's
not a real fucking mermaid.
Turn the camera off.
- This is fucking bullshit.
- Dude, we're fetish brothers
now, we're mermaid brothers.
- Don't touch me.
I'm out of here.
- What the fuck, man?
Turn the camera off.
- Oh man, no, come on.
That was bullshit.
I can't believe you did that.
Hey Romeo, Romeo.
Put your flipper away.
[Juan laughs]
Come on, the fin?
Was it scaly?
- [Will] Oh my god, shut the
fuck up man.
- [Juan] Hey, she was
hot, she was hot, bro.
- Paul!
Fuck man, come on.
Don't fucking leave, this is notserious.
Fuck you, man.
It's not funny, dude.
It's not fucking funny.
- [Juan] Oh, there he goes.
- God fucking dammit.
Now I'm gonna go have to get
after Paul.
- [Juan] Oh what?
What about me?
- I don't care.
I'll call you, just find us.
- [Man] Stop right
there, stop right there.
- Oh shit, oh shit, uh.
Hey, I gotta go.
[scooter zooming]
[wind blowing]
- Dude, please, just, it
was not that big of deal.
- And see, that's where you're
- Fine, what do you want me to
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Like, can we just move past it
and enjoy making the rest of thetrip?
For the love of god, can you
believe this?
- I don't know man, it
was pretty cold blooded.
- Are you recording on
everything right now?
- Of course, dude.
This is perfect for the
behind the scenes shit.
- Well hey, for the record,
I think Will is a piece of
flaming shit
on a taint flavored kebab.
- Ooh.
- Whatever, dude.
We're still mermaid brothers.
- We're not mermaid brothers.
That's not a thing.
- Oh, it's a thing.
And if it wasn't, it is now,
'cause it's pretty funny.
Come on.
- Paul, would it make you feel
better if we spoon tonight?
- You fucked a mermaid, you getthe floor.
- I will accept my punishment
Just give me like five minutes,okay?
[insects buzzing]
This sucks.
[birds chirping]
So I have accepted my
punishment honorably,
but now they have to accept
a little bit of retribution.
So, the Bunnell scooters
are 20 minutes late
for waking up.
I have decided to help them.
The first step was a
little bit of duct tape.
Second step is, you know,
a little bit of motivation.
Third step is to enjoy.
[air horn blows]
- Oh.
- Dude, what the fuck?
Come on!
- Asshole!
- Yeah.
I'm an asshole, I'll take it.
That was amazing.
You guys are perfect.
Let's go.
All right.
[Paul sighs]
- Man.
I can still taste that tape.
- Yeah, I'm actually kind
of disappointed in it.
I thought it was gonna be like
a lot stickier and sturdier.
- [Paul] Mm.
- [Juan] Ready boys?
- Yep.
- Oh, I'm ready.
- [Paul] You good?
- Hey.
- Is yours not starting?
- Yeah, that's not good, bro.
- You all right?
- [Juan] It's gonna start, it
just needs
a little bit of love,
give me a second here.
[scooter engine revs]
What did I tell you boys?
- All right.
- You're lucky.
[scooters zooming]
- Oh.
Damn, man.
I wish there was a restaurant
- [Juan] Yeah, this place does
something to be desired.
- I mean what is it?
- You guys are so uptight.
Just grab something and let's
[Will sighs]
- Ugh.
I can feel myself getting fat
- [Juan] Yeah.
You know, I had an uncle, he
used to eat
nothing but this stuff.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
He died at 34.
- Damn.
Eating this kind of stuff?
- [Juan] No, car accident.
- [Paul] You're fucking crazy,
- [Juan] Ooh.
- Yo.
- Yo, what's up?
- That's all you got?
- [Will] Yeah, kinda.
- [Juan] What does that mean?
- It's all I paid for.
- What?
- The rest of this I
got on the Tres Amigoes
five finger put it in
your pocket discount.
- That's fucked up, man.
- That is not cool.
- Dude, you trying to
get us in trouble, bro?
- No, what's fucked up
is that they're charging
us ridiculous prices for snacks,man.
How much were your chips?
- I don't remember.
- Doesn't remember.
It was two minutes ago.
[Paul sighs]
- You know, you might
as well just tell him
how much it was, he's not gonnalet up.
- I paid $2.49 for some chips,
- [Juan] My drink was threedollars.
- Three dollars.
That's $5.49 for two items.
They're robbing us first.
I'm just tipping the scales
of justice in our favor.
I'm Robin Hood.
- Bro, karma's gonna fuck you inthe ass
if you don't put that shit back,bro.
- [Juan] Dude, I don't know man.
Those prices were pretty steep.
- That's right.
Karma's gonna fuck me?
Karma's gonna fuck them.
They're charging us drug pricesfor convenience store food.
Man, I spend less money at an
- Juan, can we please take a
- [Juan] Okay.
I can't believe I'm saying
this, but, I agree with Will.
- Fuck.
- Thank you, thank you.
- Let's just get out of here,
- Yeah, I agree, let's go.
You guys ready?
- No, what was your vote?
- What's the point, you got twovotes man.
- No, but I wanna know what yourvote was.
- Look, just forget about it,
all right?
I wanna leave before the
owner gets a hard one on
and calls the cops.
- See, he wants to go.
That's why we're mermaid
- Don't fuckin' touch me, all
I'm not your fucking mermaid
- I think you made him mad.
- Yeah, just a little bit.
[jazzy music]
[scooter puttering]
Juan's way back there.
[cars passing]
It's dead?
- It's dead.
- Oh, are you sure?
- Yeah, man, I checked
The spark plugs, the battery,
I don't know what it could be.
[Paul sighs]
- Well now what?
- We just gotta keep movin'.
- Nah man, I'm good.
- Why?
- Just not with me.
- Wow man, thanks.
- Look bro, it's not you.
- No, yeah I get it.
I get it.
- Oh you want me to take him.
- I mean, you did fuck a
mermaid, so.
- You know what?
He's absolutely right,
I did fuck a mermaid,
so I'll take him under one
you have to finally admit
that we're mermaid brothers.
- Are you serious?
- [Will] That's the deal, dude.
- Do I get a say in this?
- No.
- No.
Let's hear it.
[Paul sighs]
- Okay, yeah, fine.
We can be mermaid brothers.
- Yeah.
See, that wasn't so hard,
was it, mermaid brotha?
[scooters zooming]
[upbeat electronic music]
- Is that the only knife you
- Yeah.
- No.
Check this out.
You've gotta try this one.
- Oh wow, dude, what?
A machete?
- Hey, I'm telling you, yougotta be careful with it though.
That thing could cut
straight through flesh.
- No, actually, don't be carefulman.
We're pretty far from a hospital
or a doctor or anything for thatmatter.
- Ha.
- You know what?
All I'm doing is looking
forward to getting
a good night sleep.
- Yeah, I'm looking forward to
spooning with my mermaid brotherhere.
- Ooh, you know what, can I be
an honorary mermaid brother?
- I mean, there's onequestion: do you like mermaids?
- Not really.
- Okay, guys--
- But I do like seafood.
- Can we not, bro?
Can we put this shit to bed now?
- Nah, it's a thing, dude.
He's a mermaid brother now.
- We're not making this a thing.
Dude, what the fuck?
- What?
- What?
- Where's the rest of the food?
Is that all we have to eat?
- It's all the stuff that
I was supposed to bring.
You guys brought the hot dogs.
- No, no.
You were supposed to bring the
hot dogs.
- Yeah bro, that was all you.
- No, it wasn't.
I brought this.
You guys were supposed
to bring the hot dogs.
Oh shit, no.
Yeah, that was my bad, sorry.
Uh, I'll just, I'll run to a
There's probably one open.
- Yeah, there's one
about 11 miles that way.
- Um.
All right then.
I'll do what humans do
for thousands of years.
I will hunt us some food.
- Oh, gosh.
[Juan sighs]
Dude, he's gonna get
himself fucking killed.
- No, you know what?
He's got that weird, goofy look.
Trust me, he'll find a
way to get us killed.
- Look, don't say that.
He could actually do it, bro.
- Yeah, I know.
- All right guys.
This is happening.
I am crafting a homo sapien
spear like our ancestors.
- [Paul] Oh yeah, I can
just taste the food now.
- Why don't you just sharpen thestick?
- Because this is going to workbetter.
You guys are gonna have the bestmeal
you've ever had in your life.
[Paul scoffs]
- Okay.
- Bet on it.
- You know what?
I'll take that bet, 20 bucks.
- Yeah, I'll match him.
20 bucks.
- Yeah, fine.
20 bucks to each of you
if I don't come back
with the most delicious raccoonor squirrel you ever had.
- When?
- I'm going right now.
- No, when you don't come back.
- Oh, hilarious guy, shots
- I mean seriously, who brings
carrots on a camping trip?
- Yeah, this is not tasty.
[Juan groans]
- Oh.
Now it's time for an
exclusive camping tip.
- Yeah, 'cause we are
[Paul sighs]
- When camping in the
woods, although it may seem
like a good idea, never let Will
be in charge of the food.
- No.
Put him in charge of
something less important.
Like planning your trip,
purchasing your transportation,
or fucking your mermaid.
[Paul inhales deeply]
Okay, sorry.
Last time.
- So I have been hunting with myspear
for about too long now.
It's starting to get
dark and I have exactly
zero raccoon and squirrel to
show for it.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
I have to show this to the boys.
[Juan sighs]
- Got any fours?
- Go fish.
- Fuck.
In honor of our buddy
getting some fish tail,
we're playing cards.
- Go Fish.
- [Will] Yo.
You guys gotta see this.
- Dude, where's the food?
- No fuck the food man.
- Wait, there's no steak?
- There's no steak.
This is better, just
grab all the equipment,
get long lines and just follow
me, okay?
- Will, this better be worth it.
Oh, what, I'ma scare the food
- [Juan] Dude, I don't
think he understands
how hunting works.
- Psh, clearly.
- What?
- [Paul] Is that what I think itis?
- [Juan] Oh that is a beautifulsight.
- [Paul] Oh shit, dude,
I can hear them all
the way from over here. [laughs]
- [Will] They started
like five minutes ago
and he's been fucking her like
- [Paul] Oh, shoot, does she
want it?
- [Juan] Well I mean,
she's not running away.
- [Paul] I mean, that looks
like angry sex though.
[woman screams]
- [Juan] This is super hot,
- Oh, fuck.
- Oh, shit.
Oh shit.
- [Juan] Dude, dude, he's
watching me.
Dude he's looking at
us, he's looking at us.
- [Paul] Go, go, go, go, go, go!
Just fucking go!
[dramatic music]
[heavy breathing]
Oh, fuck.
Oh fuck man.
Yo, we need to get the
fuck out of here, now.
- Yeah, well how the fuck
do you wanna do that?
- Uh, we ride out?
- Ride out?
That's three guys and two
scooters, man.
The top speed in 43 miles per
- Fuck man, you got a better
fucking idea?
- Yeah, we wait it out.
- Oh, huddled in our two persontent?
- [Juan] We can't get away on
- Well, there's not
another campsite close by,
so we have to do something.
- Yeah, okay, fine then we splitup.
- Dude, split up?
How does that work, Will?
- I don't fucking know yet, allright?
We find spots in the woods, allright?
We sleep there, just
away from the campsite.
- Guys, we gotta move.
- All right.
I'll set up the Go Pro, all
facing the tent overnight and
that way
if something happens,
we'll know about it, okay?
- Okay.
- All right, and then
in the meantime, we just find
spots away from the campsite.
We sleep in the woods and we
wait it out.
- Okay, how will we know
when it's safe to come out?
- We'll meet up in front of thattree
in the clearing, all
right, in the morning.
- Fuck.
And what if he's there?
- He's not gonna be there.
Okay, he's not gonna go back
to where the murder was.
- [Juan] That's true.
- Okay.
Okay, fine, fine.
- Okay, okay.
- Okay.
Eight am, okay?
In front of the tree in the
[underbrush crunching]
- Crap.
All right.
This is perfect.
[birds chirping]
- I'm doing this Vietnam style.
- I'm not taking any chances.
That crazy cracker killer comesmy way?
I'm dark as night.
Nothing to see here.
All right, I'm out.
See you guys in the morning.
[insects buzzing]
- It's like 2:30 am right now.
The guy's probably long
gone, it's been really quiet.
Still, you know, I wanna
just get the hell out of here
as soon as possible come
I just--
Yeah, this is probably the
worst night of my life.
[insects buzzing]
[insects buzzing]
[birds chirping]
- Oh shit.
- [Will] What are you doing?
- Nothing, just looking
at how amazing it is.
- [Will] Did you go to the campsite?
- Fuck no.
[Will sighs]
- Dude, I barely slept last
- Really?
I slept like a baby.
Must've been a cat in another
- Yeah, good for you.
You see Paul?
- [Juan] No, have you?
- [Will] No, it's past eight
- Yeah.
- Well.
You slept by him?
- No, I thought he slept by you.
- No.
Oh shit.
- No, you don't think?
- I don't know what to think.
Last night was so fucking crazy,man,
I thought I heard someone
getting dragged.
- [Juan] Dragged?
- [Will] Yeah, yeah, I mean,
like, it just sounded like it.
- [Juan] Well was it Paul?
- I mean, what, did it sound
like Paul?
- Yeah?
Was he bitching, complaining?
- No, it was just like, it
was like, you know, like a,
like, it sounded like someone
getting dragged, I don't know.
- Oh, okay, all right.
[Will sighs]
- We gotta find him, man.
- [Juan] Well should we split
[Will sighs]
- No, no, no, we should stay
- All right, let's go.
- Yeah.
[birds chirping]
It's right through here.
- [Juan] What do you
think happened to Paul?
- I don't know man, there
weren't like
gunshots or anything last night,
so he's probably fine.
[twigs cracking]
What was that?
- [Juan] I think it was over
- What?
- [Juan] It's nothing.
- Okay.
Oh shit, wait, wait, wait, it'sPaul.
- Paul?
- Paul?
- Paul?
- Fuck.
- What are you doing?
- I don't know, I wanna
see if he's all right.
- [Juan] Paul?
- Oh shit, come on!
- [Juan] Jesus.
- [Will] Not fucking cool man.
- [Juan] You were late.
- [Will] It was supposed
to be eight o'clock.
- I was sleeping, I'm sorry.
- [Will] Well good for
you, I did not sleep.
- All right look, man,
let's just get back to camp.
All right?
Whatever man, let's just get
our shit and get out of here.
- [Juan] Have you guys seen my
- [Paul] No, I haven't seen it.
I'll look by the tent.
- Fuck.
- [Will] Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
Guys, come here, just--
- What?
- Come here, look.
- [Paul] What is it?
- Right here.
You see?
- What?
The fucking flap?
- See?
- No man, I don't see anything.
- That's the fucking breeze,
- No, it's not the breeze.
There was no breeze last night.
- Okay, well, you wanna
go fuckin' look at it?
- [Juan] Why not?
- Okay, everyone together
and it'll be fine.
Let's go.
Wait, wait, wait.
What if there's, like, somethingin there?
- Dude, relax bro.
- There's nothing in there.
- All right, well, one of us
has to open it then, yeah?
- Well you're the fucking one
who brought
us to the woods.
You fucking open it man.
- Yeah, fair enough.
[Will sighs]
- Fuck.
- [Will] Oh fuck, come on, man.
- Oh my god.
Oh my god, oh my god.
- Shit, oh shit.
Dude, that's the girl.
That's the girl that he fuckingkilled.
- I know, dude, he fucking cut
- [Juan] Shit.
That's my knife.
That's my knife.
- You wanna fucking get it?
- Yes.
- [Paul] Oh my god, this
is fucking sick, bro.
Bro, what did we get
ourselves fucking into?
Oh my god.
- I got it, I got.
- Oh yeah.
Wave it around, let the
whole fucking world see.
- Dude, we got a fucking dead
body here!
- Okay, can you not
scream it to the world?
- Guys.
We gotta get out of here.
- Okay, let's fucking
go, let's get our shit.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,wait,
what if somebody sees us?
- You know what?
You're right.
I'll go, I'll get the drone.
I'll send it up and I'll see ifthere's
anybody around us, okay?
- Fucking gosh, man.
Dude, why do you always fuckingput
us in a situation, dude?
- Fuck, dude!
This is not my fault!
- Oh, what?
You're the one who brought us
Fucking dead body.
- I did not do this.
I fucking made decisions, man.
- You don't make the fucking
calls, okay?
- Yes, I make decisions.
That's why the fucking show
[drone buzzing]
Juan, what the fuck is
going on with the drone?
Get it out of here.
- I don't know man.
It's stuck in follow mode.
It's gonna go where I go.
- Then you go fucking somewhereelse.
- [Juan] You don't mean that!
- Okay guys, let's calm
the fuck down, okay?
Let's think about this.
- [Will] Well, we need to
do something, okay man?
Let's take a vote.
I'm saying we go to the cops.
- Oh, we are not going to the
- It's not fucking about that
right now.
- About what, Will?
- About you being black!
- Wow, okay, look, fucking
We have a dead body in the tent.
And yes, I am black.
And sometimes I'm scared
as shit about that.
- We have footage that shows
that we didn't kill her.
- Will, do we have
footage of us not stabbing
the body a dozen times with
Juan's knife?
We don't.
Look, we're not going to the
- All right, well, you
know how I'm voting, man.
- I don't know, man,
there's a lot to this.
- Yeah, I know, that's
why we need the cops.
- Fuck that, we could
get charged with murder.
- [Juan] Okay.
- [Paul] Thank you.
- Let's go to the cops.
- Are you fucking me?
- That's two to one.
That two to one.
- I fucking heard you, Will.
Fine, it's a bad fucking
idea, I'll tell you that.
- Listen, man.
You know, we might be laughing
about this.
This is the right
decision for now, though.
- Well yeah, tell that
to the fucking dead body.
- Okay, listen, let's go
to the ranger station.
Let's show them the footage,
and then from there,
we'll call the cops, okay?
- Fine.
- [Juan] Let's go.
- Please.
- Okay.
I'm telling you, this
is not the best move.
- It's the only fucking move.
- [Paul] Whatever.
[drone buzzing]
Dude, is that thing gonna
follow us the whole way?
- [Juan] I told you, I don't
know how
to switch the mode.
- Oh shit, is that what I thinkit is?
- [Juan] Oh shit, look at that.
- [Paul] Oh fuck.
- No dude, this is a good thing,man.
Our luck's about to change.
Oh fuck.
Oh shit, that's the guy from
last night.
Is that the, fuck.
- Oh shit.
- Oh fuck, that's the killer!
Go, what the fuck are you doing?
- Don't you fucking move!
Get down on your fucking knees.
[birds chirping]
Put that camera down, boy.
What you fuckin' thinkin'?
Why don't you step up here?
Crawl your way up here, son.
Where's your friend?
- [Paul] Um, I'm not sure, sir--
- That's not what I wanted to
Come on, buddy.
Come out here.
Your friends are out here and Ireally,
I really don't wanna shoot
them or nothing like that.
Come on, buddy.
Step on out.
I'm gonna count to 10, buddy.
- [Paul] Oh fuck.
- [Sheriff] And then I'm
gonna start using your friends
as target practice.
[Juan and Paul sobbing]
stand up straight, boy.
Are you sure he's your friend?
I don't think so.
- [Pau] Look, obviously there'sjust a
misunderstanding, okay?
You gotta understand
where we're coming from.
- You violated a law.
You stuck your nose in
somebody else's business.
- [Paul] Oh, fuck.
That's not a law.
- It's my law!
[Paul grunts]
- Oh, shit.
- [Juan] You gotta get up.
[Paul sobbing]
It's gonna be okay.
- Eight.
- Fuck.
- [Juan] We're gonna get
through this, just relax.
- [Sheriff] Come on buddy.
What's your friend's name?
Come on!
- It's Will, Will.
- [Sheriff] Will!
Get your ass out here.
Oh, fuck this.
[gun cocks]
Oh, well.
- [Juan] No, please.
- [Will] Wait, wait, wait, wait,wait.
- [Sheriff] Oh, you
finally decided to join us.
- Fuck.
- I'm here.
- Get your ass down.
- I'm here.
- Move!
- [Will] I'm here.
I'm sorry.
[Paul sobbing]
- I'm glad you decided to join
One by one, let's go.
Stop your crying, Kunta.
Put your hands down.
Let's go!
Kunta, you!
Don't eye fuck me, boy.
What's wrong with you?
Hands behind your back.
You know the deal, blackie.
- [Juan] What?
I'm Colombian.
- [Sheriff] I don't care
if you're Colombian,
Mexican, Peruvian.
Move your ass.
Put your hands behind your back.
[Juan grunts]
- Fuck.
- Get in the truck.
[Juan exclaims]
Last be but not least, let's go.
Poor excuse for the white race.
What's wrong with you?
Hands behind your back.
Why are you hanging
around these degenerates?
What's wrong a you?
Get in the truck!
- Fuck.
- [Will] Why the fuck didn't youguys run?
- [Juan] Shut up.
- [Sheriff] What's the
deal with the drone?
- It's stuck in follow mode,
I don't know how to change it.
- I suggest you take uh, your
time getting
comfortable back there,
'cause we got a good
15 minute drive to the station.
That'll give you some time to
thinking about your confession.[laughs]
[drone buzzing]
- [Will] We're gonna get
out of this, all right?
- I don't hear you boys
talking back there.
- Please, dude, we can
delete all the footage, man.
We can just make it
like it never happened.
- Will shut the fuck up.
- You don't have to do this.
- Will, shut the fuck up.
Shut up, Will!
- We don't have to do anything.
- Fuck!
- Quiet him down back there.
Stick a sock in it.
[heavy breathing]
We are scorching, boy.
Don't worry.
The station has got some good
Let's go, boys, move it.
Come on, taco.
Kunta, in the corner.
In the corner!
You sit down.
[Juan breathing heavily]
Don't be turning around, boy.
Hands on the bar.
Hands on the bar!
Don't you turn around, boy.
Let's go, sit down.
- Shit.
- Get up here.
[Paul grunts]
Hands on the bar.
Don't be looking at me.
[heavy breathing]
[Paul grunts]
I don't wanna trouble you guys,of course.
Let's go.
Let's move.
Let's go, Kunta.
[Paul groans]
Get up, boy.
What's the matter, you can't getup?
- No, I can't.
- Why, does that hurt?
[Juan yells]
[muffled yelling]
- Shut up!
[heavy breathing]
- You need help?
- Yes, please.
- All right.
- No, no!
[muffled yelling]
- Say goodbye to your friends.
[muffled yelling]
[muffled sobbing]
[Juan breathing heavily]
Sit your ass down.
I said sit down!
[Juan breathing heavily]
Sit up, boy.
- I can't.
I fucking can't.
- I said sit up.
- I can't!
- Sit up!
I didn't stab you, I just gave
you a little more motivation.
Now you just sit there pretty
and bleed.
[muffled sobbing]
You know what?
You're gonna watch me kill him.
[muffled yelling]
Let's go.
Put your hands behind your back.
[muffled yelling]
Shut up!
You sit there.
That's it.
Let's go, Kunta.
Hands in front.
Be quiet.
You see Kunta, in America,
we don't need people helping us.
Helping us walk.
Goddammit, you probably would
have done
anything for a fucking
burrito, wouldn't you?
- I'm Colombian.
- What?
- I said I'm from Colombia.
I'm not fucking Mexican.
- Do you think I give a rat's
ass where you came from?
I think your friend's had
- Fuck you.
- What did you say?
- I said fuck you.
[Juan yells]
[muffled whining]
- Pick up the fucking knife.
- I need your prints on it.
[muffled chattering]
I said pi--
- Let's go, let's go, let's go,come on.
Is he okay?
Is he okay?
Is he okay?
Dude, just go, come on!
[sheriff groaning]
- [Paul] Yo, did you grab the
- [Will] Oh fuck, they're
inside, man.
- [Paul] You wanna go back
- [Will] Yeah, yeah, yeah, you
stay here.
- [Paul] No, no, let me go withyou.
- [Will] No, no, no, dude,
this whole thing's my fault.
- [Paul] What do you mean, bro?
- [Will] If I'm not back in
three minutes, just go, okay?
- [Paul] Fuck, shit!
- Fuck!
What the fuck?
Get back here you little...
- Go, go, get in the car!
- Fuck, fuck.
- Get in!
- Shit.
All right, I'm in, let's go,
let's go.
Start the car, start the
car, bro, start the car.
- I'm trying.
- Fuck.
All right, you're clear, go, go,go, go.
- Oh fuck.
[heavy breathing]
- Juan's dead.
- Oh, fuck.
- What?
- We don't have any gas.
- Dude, how are we gonna
get gas in a stolen cop car?
[car beeping]
- We need to get out of the car.
- Bro, what are you doing?
- [Will] We need to get out of
the car.
- Okay, look, right now we
didn't do anything wrong.
Okay, let's just get as far
away from here as possible
and show someone this footage.
- Yeah, let's get out of thecar.
I have an idea, all right?
Hey, excuse me, ma'am?
Do you think we could get a ridewith you?
- Sorry.
- Hey excuse me.
- Did you just get out
of the sheriff's truck?
- No, no, no, no.
- Where's Bert?
- [Will] He's back at the
- This aint right, something's
not right.
Is that blood on you?
Hey, George, George come over
These two have got Bert's truck.
- [Will] Let's go, let's
go, let's go, let's go.
- [Man] Hey, hey!
- Let's go.
That did not go as planned.
- Yeah, you think?
- [Will] Oh, shit.
- [Paul] Damn, bro, what the
fuck are we gonna do, man?
- [Will] Fuck.
- Now what, bro?
- I don't know, man.
We just need to get the hell outof here.
- Yeah, I agree, but
in a stolen police SUV?
- You think we should just leaveit?
- No, man, we gotta do
something else, bro.
Maybe we should change our
- [Will] Let's change our
Let's just--
- Hey.
- Oh shit.
- Hey.
- You guys stay right there.
- Get back in the car.
- [Paul] Shit.
- [Will] Shit.
- [Paul] Drive, go, go, go.
Go, go.
- We need to get off the road.
- Where?
- To some place that
won't attract attention.
- [Paul] You wanna go here?
- It looks like there's
no car in the driveway,
there's probably nobody home.
- [Paul] Okay.
- [Will] Yeah?
All right, we just go
inside, grab some clothes,
we get cleaned up, and
then we're gone, all right?
- Okay, okay.
- Yeah.
Keep your camera running.
- Yeah, good call.
- [Will] I suspect we'll have
to prove we did less than just
grab clothes and break in, okay?
- All right.
Good call.
[tense, dramatic music]
- I don't think anybody's home.
[tense, dramatic music]
What do you think?
Nobody's home.
We're gonna have to break
into somebody's house
and that's not even the
weirdest thing we did today.
- [Paul] Psh, don't remind me.
[tense, dramatic music]
- I'll go around.
- [Paul] All right, I'll be
[tense, dramatic music]
[birds vocalizing]
- [Will] I don't think anyone'shome.
- All right, let's make thisquick.
I get the feeling this
aint the type of guy
who'd be too happy with us.
- [Will] This place is really
Hey, let's check upstairs.
[tense, dramatic music]
Watch for the steps.
[tense, dramatic music]
You check the drawers,
I'll check the closets.
- [Paul] All right.
[tense, dramatic music]
- [Will] Find anything, Paul?
- [Man] Get on your knees.
- [Will] Oh shit.
- [Paul] He came in when I was
- No talking.
Are there any others?
- [Paul] No, sir.
- You sure about that?
- Yes, sir, our friend is dead.
- Dead? How dead?
- How dead is he, or how did hedie?
- The first, how'd he die?
- [Will] It's a very complicatedstory.
- Fine.
I don't wanna hear it anyway.
You can tell it to the sheriff.
- No, please, please.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- [Paul] Please don't call him.
- Bert?
It's Nate.
I got two boys who broke into myhouse.
That's right.
No, they aint going anywhere.
All right.
Will do.
Listen, don't take too long.
I don't, I don't like
this kind of company.
Okay, see you soon.
We're all gonna sit tight
and wait for the sheriff.
- [Will] Please, sir, thatstory about how our friend died
is very important right now.
- I don't care.
- [Will] You don't understand.
Bert, the sheriff, he's
the one that killed
him for no reason.
- Bert killed him for nothin'?
I don't think so.
- It was for something.
- No, we saw something, sir.
- What?
- [Will] The sheriff, he killeda woman.
- You listenin' to those
That was a hoax.
- No, sir, it's real.
- Sure.
Folks claim that Bert killed
black girl a few years back.
She never turned up.
But the couple that accused
Bert changed their story,
right before they left town.
I don't know your boys' problem,
but I know Bert'll straighten
you out.
- Sir.
Bert, he's a killer.
He killed that woman,
he killed our friend.
- Enough out of you.
- No, it's all true, sir.
- Please.
Can we just put the gun
down for one second?
- On your knees.
- [Will] I'm just trying to talkto you.
- On your knees.
- [Will] We can't stay here,
- You need to listen.
I'm gonna count to three.
- [Will] We're not killers.
- One.
- [Will] We don't look like
- Two.
- Will.
Will, sit down.
- It's gonna be okay.
- Three.
- It's okay.
- Will.
- [Will] It's okay.
- I told you to fucking kneel!
- [Paul] Oh, fuck!
Oh fuck, oh fuck, shit.
[Paul sobbing]
- Don't move.
- No, I won't.
- I told him to kneel.
- Yes, you did.
- He didn't listen.
- No sir, he didn't.
- Why didn't he listen?
- I don't know.
- You need to listen.
- I will.
- Shoot, shoot, Bert's comin'.
[tense, dramatic music]
It was self defense.
- [Paul] What?
- I didn't have a choice.
- [Paul] What are you talking
He was trying to talk with you.
- That's right.
But Bert don't know that.
- [Paul] Well, I mean...
[gun cocks]
- This isn't about you being...
I can't have you telling
Goin' in and fillin' Bert's head
with a bunch of ideas.
- Sir.
Just let me leave.
I'll run away, okay?
You'll never see me.
You'll never hear from me.
- I can't.
I'm sorry.
[tense, dramatic music]
If you wish to run right
now, it would look better.
- [Paul] I'd rather not.
- It's still gonna be my
word against your dead body.
[tense, dramatic music]
[Paul breathing heavily]
[tense, dramatic music]
[Paul breathing heavily]
- I can't have that.
Old man wanna take the
law in his own hands.
I'm the law, hm?
I'm the judge, jury, and
- [Paul] You're so fucking
- The world is crazy, son.
Crazy as you, boy.
I'm order, hm?
See if I let you go, crazy liveson.
But if this ends now, the
crazy dies and order returns.
So I got a lot of paperwork
to get started on,
so let's get this goin'.
Is it my understanding that youhave
no intention of confessing?
- [Paul] No, of course not.
- So, all right then.
Come charge at me, I'll
shoot you and we all
get to go home to dinner.
- Do I have a choice?
- No.
Not really.
And I swear, boy, if
you make me stage this,
I'ma put so many holes in
that pretty face of yours,
your mama aint gonna have an
open casket at the funeral.
You hear?
[tense, dramatic music]
Get up.
Up slow, boy.
Hands where I can see them.
[tense, dramatic music]
- [Paul] Now what?
[tense, dramatic music]
- Now you die.
[dramatic music]
- Die, you racist son of a
[Paul grunts]
[sheriff coughs]
[Paul breathing heavily]
- Oh shit.
Oh fuck.
[Paul sobbing]
[Paul breathing heavily]
Oh shit, the black guy wins.
Oh, fuck.
Ah, shit.
[Paul grunting]
[car beeping]
Fuck it.
- Thank you for coming in.
- Of course.
- Can I get you a water or
- No, I'm good, fine.
Thank you.
- Sure.
You're doing the right thing
What happened to you is crazy.
People have a right to hear yourstory.
To see your story.
- Do they?
- Yes, absolutely.
[Paul sighs]
- I don't know, man.
- There's evil in the world,
People should know that.
- I think people know that,
This is different.
I mean, I get it.
People wanna watch
this, to have something,
the stories, the evidence,
that supports their worldview,
I don't think they need to see
I mean, people lost their lives.
- Yes, and we're very sad aboutthat,
but you have a story--
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.
It makes for good drama.
Can I have a minute, please?
- Of course.
Just know that we're not gonna
show anything or do anything
you're not comfortable with.
I'll be outside.
Come and get me when you're
[exhales deeply]
- Is this what you want?
Do you wanna see this?
[dramatic orchestral music]
- All right, this one is
from Garth in Chicago.
"I love your show."
Thank you, Garth.
"I hope it never ends.
"But if you do ever end the
"what do you think you'll
do for a final episode?"
- Wow.
- Oh, that's a really good
- Yeah, I mean, I don't know.
I've never really thought
about it to be honest.
- Yeah, I think we're
gonna do wheelchairs.
- Why wheelchairs?
- 'Cause we're gonna be old as
[Juan laughs]
- Eh.
I don't know, man.
I just, I don't think
I wanna be doing this
for that much longer, you know?
- All right, then what would youdo?
- Something with boats, you
But not just any boats, but bigboats.
- Yeah.
Juan, you?
- I don't know.
I think, I think that it doesn'treally
matter what we do for our last
as long as we're doing us.
You know, I think that's how
I want us to be remembered.
- This is why he's single.
- God, bro.
- What?
- You took a perfectly good
and you made it like super
- Okay, how was that weird?
- Bro, you made it weird, man.
- Okay, but you're telling me
boats and wheelchairs is better?
Come on.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Man, I hate you guys.
- Oh.
- Oh, Juan.
Do you need a hug, man?
- I do not need a hug, I don't
need a hug.
No, no, no.
- Yeah, group hug.
- Oh.
- Whoa wait, whoa, whoa.
- Juan, is that a knife in yourpocket?
- Yeah, hold up, wait.
- Okay.
[dramatic orchestral music]