Scorched (2003) Movie Script
1
All right, this is it.
- I'm proud of you, man.
- Really?
I'm gonna go in there and blow them
away. All right, get out of here.
- You get out of here.
- I'll see you later.
Excuse me. Who's Rick?
I'm trying as hard as I can.
No, I don't think it was some
electronic mouse, Stu.
Can you help him?
- Officer, could you just...
- Hl, Rick?
- Who are you?
- Carter Doleman.
I think I'm supposed
to start today?
Weve just been robbed.
That sucks.
Look, I just don't think they're gonna
be needing anybody right now.
I'm really sorry about that
and wish you the best luck.
So you just want me
to come back tomorrow?
Same time, 10 o'clock?
You know, same deal?
Champ. Get lost.
All right?
Thanks.
You're not going to say anything?
Nothing?
I give you three years of my life,
you won't even talk to me?
I mean, even if it seems like
a waste of time.
Sorry.
I'm trying to make a point.
You're hiccupping for half an hour.
And I'm willing to admit that I'm
the bad guy here. I'm cool with that.
My Mom says you drink
from the back of the glass.
That's a load of crap.
That doesn't work.
- You just gotta wait these things out.
- Just give it a try.
Don't be so close-minded about it.
I don't want to hold
you down anymore.
- I told you.
- That doesn't work. I gotta call my Mom.
It's like...
...you're this...
...glorious bird...
...and I'm this two
hundred pound string...
...that's keeping you from flying.
I'll bet you $20 bucks that you can't
scare the hiccups out of you.
You got a deal, son.
Well?
Well, what? I cant just go...
You're sitting there like, ''Well''.
You can't be expecting it.
It's supposed to be a surprise.
Do it! Go on, you son of a bitch!
Hiccup! Do it!
- Do it!
- Shella!
I cured your hiccups.
You owe me $20.
The Horned Toad defends itself...
...by spraying its intruder with
blood from the corner of its eyes.
I wish I could do that...
...when the blood boils
in your head...
...and you can feel you eyes
bulging out of their sockets.
I didn't used to feel this way,
but about a year ago,
I had an awakening,
an epiphany of sorts.
I had been working for the Desert
Savings Bank for five years...
...and I was finally being
offered a promotion.
Assistant Manager.
Rick, the Manager,
was breaking down my new job.
The additional responsibilities
would require me to come in early,
stay late, open up, lock up,
check in the tellers, count out
the tellers, weekly scheduling...
and about 12 other things
I cant remember.
And for my hard work and talents, I
would be getting a long overdue raise.
This was it. The fruits of my labor
were finally acknowledged.
Fifty-five cents more an hour.
Now that is a 15 percent raise.
And all at once it hit me.
I had worked for this bank for
five years. This is what I do.
I'm supposed to care
about this place.
I'm supposed to care
about what I am doing here.
This is my life.
Nobody gonna hurt you.
Its just...
Get off!
I guess I just figured,
screw it,
if you have nothing,
you have nothing to lose.
What, are you high right now?
Am I the only person that knows
how to drive in this whole town?
Did you see that?
Are you all right?
I'm gonna have a Double
Western Cheeseburger,
with a large criss-cut fries...
...and a large Coke.
I'll have a Bar-B-Q chicken sandwich
with a baked potato plain...
...and a medium Coke.
Okay, that's $13,33.
What's this?
- That's all I have.
- It's $2. Where's the rest?
I'm sorry, dude, that's like...
I'm good for it.
No, you're not good for it.
You owe me $18 from last week.
- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.
Just because I work at a bank doesn't
mean I am a bank, all right?
If you don't have the money I'm going
to have to ask you to step aside.
What is it, like $6?
Bar-B-Q chicken sandwich, baked
potato plain, with a medium Coke.
- Fine. What do you want?
- Famous Star.
And water.
How much is a Famous Star?
Are you okay?
Who the hell are you?
I was in Landy's Diner.
I followed you.
You were...
Just wanted to see if
you were all right.
Are you?
No! I'm pretty messed up!
My boyfriend dumped me!
- Why?
- About a year ago...
...we decided we should both
go back to school...
...and get some degree so we could
both get better jobs.
But neither of us had the money,
so I told Rick...
''Baby, let's keep our jobs
and I'll use my savings...
and when you get a better job,
you can help me.''
Well, it turns out Rick is
mathematically retarded.
There is no way he's going to make
it through Calculus.
So I spent everything else I have
to help him hire a tutor.
And now here we are.
He's about to get his AA
in a couple of weeks...
...and they're gonna give him
a promotion when he does...
...and now he's dumping me.
- I don't understand why. Why?
- He's screwing the tutor!
That is pretty bad.
I certainly think you showed him
how you felt in there.
I don't think you're going to
be seeing him anymore.
He's the manager at my work.
I'm going to see him tomorrow.
Oh, my God.
I know how you feel. Well, I don't
know how you feel.
But I've been pretty messed up, too.
When I was a little kid I had this
pet pig. His name was Piggies.
He used to follow me all around, and
he used to sleep in my bed with me.
You know, he would kind of like
root up by me feet.
He would follow me all around.
I taught him to fetch my slippers and,
I mean, he was like a brother.
He was like a little brother.
And he made a lot of noise.
Anyway, so one day
I come home, you know...
from baseball practice,
and there's food...
...and there's rice all over the floor.
And then there's Piggies.
And I guess he ate
all the rice and it just...
...It expanded in his stomach, or...
The little fella died.
So did a part of me.
Not that that's at all what
you're going through.
I don't think that you have
a pig. Or ever did.
- No.
- It's kind of unique.
I'm Mark.
Shella.
Listen, I know that
this just happened.
If you feel like you need to talk
or you just want to get out...
Call me.
We'll go out and just talk.
So, what's DFD?
It's the Desert Fire Department.
- You're a fireman?
- Yes, ma'am.
- Why?
- Good question.
You know, it's not boring.
The money's decent.
I just wanted to do
something of value.
- Right.
- Oh, yeah?
- I followed you, didnt I?
- I'm not on fire.
I disagree.
Just call me.
- Because I told all those people...
- What's up?
I'm in a coma and we're searching
for a cure of my wounds.
- I speak nine languages.
- What is your intelligence?
- 14.
- A thief with 14 intelligence?
I whip out my Plus-Two short sword,
walk up to that Orc,
hock a big loogy in
his face and say:
''So, you wanna jack
with the Ripper?''
Fine. I told the Orc.
But since everyone knows
he only speaks Orc...
he has absolutely no idea
what you're saying.
Doleman, you shaved.
What's the occasion?
I thought I'd go job-hunting
after I win the game.
- What about Kali Nasa ice cream?
- He got fired.
I don't know, some stupid
Assistant Manager.
I think his name was Cleatis. Like that
was actually his name, Cleatis.
So, anyway, I'm getting an
ice cream for this old lady...
...and just as I'm handing it to her,
Cleatis grabs me by the arm,
makes me throw
the damned thing away...
...and starts yelling at me about how
much ice cream I'm wasting.
How many times do I have to tell you?
You scoop off the top of the ice!
Listen to me!
You're wasting this company
a lot of money.
It's not only my policy,
but it's company policy!
Okay, that'll be $2,95, please.
- No way!
- Yeah, totally absurd.
- So, what happened to the guy?
- Nothing, he was all right.
But he had this huge chocolaty
red weit on his face. It was awesome.
Can you believe that guy?
If that were me...
''You wanna jack with The Ripper?''
And I have Plus-One throwing daggers,
so you know they hit their mark.
Where did you get Plus-One
throwing daggers?
From your Mom.
Dude-Man, why don't you try to get
a job where Stu works?
- At the bank?
- Yeah, man.
Dude, you'd be a natural there.
What do you think about that, Stu?
Are they still hiring over there?
They hold interviews once a month.
It's actually this Sunday.
You know what you should do?
Go to the Corporate Office
this Sunday at 8:30...
and Ill just tell them
you're coming beforehand.
You're sure to get an interview
at least.
Cool. Right. I'm there. Where's
the Corporate Office again?
I'll write it down for you.
I'm taking the game
over to Dickeys house.
- 8:30?
- A.M.
That's rough.
Hey, George.
Hey, George.
Come on in here.
Come on, George.
It's your day, George.
One day you'll have one of these,
just like this.
My mom started this for me
when I was just born...
and there's not a year of
my life that isnt in here.
Pretty cool, huh?
Beautiful.
Hey, congratulations.
Okay, there you...
You sit.
Stay right here. Stay right here.
No, George.
This is George.
He has been my roommate and
confidante for quite a while now.
He's a survivor, like me.
This is Charles Merchant, the man
responsible for orphaning young George.
When I first met George, he and his
mother were fleeing for their lives.
Fortunately, George got away.
His mother wasn't so lucky.
You are dead.
From that day forward,
George lived with me.
We made a pact.
Someday, somehow,
we would avenge George's mother.
You're not even listening,
are you, George?
''Gemini. Your IQ is soaring.
If it continues at this rate, it will
reach 145 by month's end.
In other words,
you're flaming genius, Gemini.
And it doesn't hurt that
the smell of freedom...
Is more vivid than
it's been in years.''
I'm telling you, man,
I'm a frigging genius.
How about we get babies
and rent babies...
to single guys?
I'm serious.
'Cause girls dig guys with kids.
Last week,
I was with little Tommy...
and this hottie walks up to me
and starts dialoguing me.
She was hot. See, it had to have
been the baby,
because the truth is that that
rarely ever happens to me alone.
- Yeah?
- Yeah. So what I'm saying is...
we get an RV
and we fill it...
with as many babies as we can
from as many people as we can...
and then we drive it out
to Furnace Park.
We'll rake in a fortune.
I don't think people are going
to lend us their babies...
- But that's great.
- You're absolutely right.
- Puppies.
- What about puppies?
We rent puppies.
'Cause girls dig puppies, too.
So we drive to the
entrance to the park...
and we rent some puppies
to some single guys.
You're kidding me, right?
Well, you know, I'm kidding
kind of half-serious kidding, yeah.
Dude, it's all about the timing, man.
You just gotta do the right
thing at the right place.
I don't want to hear this right now.
Besides, if it was all in the timing...
nothing would ever happen, because
everyone would be sitting around...
- Waiting for the right time.
- That's not what I mean.
I'm saying you can make timing.
You just have to pay attention.
I don't want to hear your stupid ideas
right now. Please. Please.
Air Supply. Pull.
Last week, the pieces
of the puzzle came together.
I'd been looking at the bank
differently for months now.
The bank stopped being the place
I showed up and forgot myself...
until it was time to leave.
It was a house of money.
I broke it into parts.
There are five places money is kept,
all in cash.
One, the cash drawer.
It carries approximately 10 thousand
at a given time and is counted daily.
Two, the ATM machine. It carries at
least 40 thousand and is counted daily.
Three, the mini-vault.
The small vault behind the tellers.
Around 250 thousand,
and counted daily.
Four, the vault.
Mainly a storage facility...
that could be carrying cashier's
drawers and other valuables.
Or maybe nothing.
Inventoried daily.
Five, safety deposit boxes.
A potpourri of cash,
valuables, documents...
and meaningless mementos.
There is no record of anything put
in a safety deposit box.
Merchant's a customer at the bank.
He shows up
about twice a month.
Sometimes he brings his dog.
He's loaded. He sells some kind
of ''Get rich quick'' package.
He doesn't know who I am
but every time I see him...
I can feel the blood
in my eyes start to boil.
Last week, he wanted to see
his safety deposit box.
So I take him around and
I ask if he has his key.
He looks at me for a second,
then turns around.
He's fiddling with
the dog's collar...
and I see in the reflection that the
dog's tag pops open like a locket.
He turns around with his key.
I take my key
and we open his box.
And that was it. Here was a box
of unrecorded money.
I have one key and
this dog has the other.
You look so beautiful right now.
We can be friends, right?
You're this glorious bird.
Stu, do you think
my ideas are stupid?
Look at me. Did you say that?
Do you think that?
You know what? Screw you.
You're being a dick, man.
You're starting to piss me off!
You got to be kidding me.
The next time you come
home from work...
complaining about how
you hate everyone...
don't come looking for me,
because you're miserable.
And you just sit with it.
- You being serious right now?
- I'm not kidding!
Tell me then, when in your real life
have you actually come up with an idea...
that worked that you used
to benefit yourself?
At least I try to. You suck!
You want an idea
that would never work?
- I have them.
- Yeah.
What's today, Friday?
When the bank closes on Saturday,
no one's in there again till Monday.
So, if there's any cash missing...
no one would know about it
for the whole weekend.
So, what I think about...
Is that I could empty my drawer
into my knapsack...
on Saturday, when I close out.
No one would know about it.
It's usually about
$ 10 thousand.
Cruise to Vegas, bet it all on black,
one clean shot. Double or nothing.
If I win, replace all the money on
Monday. No one knows a thing about it.
If I lose, become a fugitive.
But if I win, it's $ 10 thousand.
And then there's the mini-vault.
I've thought about the mini-vault, too.
The mini-vault?
It's a small vault behind the tellers
that usually has over $200 grand in it.
It's for when people want to withdraw
larger sums of cash from the teller.
And after Saturday, nobody checks
that vault again till Monday.
It takes a special key to open it. This
key's in one the other teller's drawers.
He leaves it in there about
50 percent of the time.
And every day, at exactly 2:45,
like clockwork...
Rick, the manager,
takes his coffee break.
He orders coffee and a slice of rhubarb
pie, and flirts with the waitress...
until 3 o'clock. Sometimes,
while he's on his break...
I think, screw it, I could take
$250 thousand out of that safe...
go to Vegas
and double or nothing.
Hell, yeah. That's it, man,
we're there. Dude, we're there.
- No, that's the story.
- No, that's the plan.
How come you've never
mentioned this before?
Even if you and I could sit down and
figure out how to do this perfectly...
which you and I could never do,
I still wouldn't actually do it.
Yeah, but I'll help you. I'll go
in there with my backpack...
and you give the money.
I'll take it right out of there.
If the timings not right,
then, whatever.
I'll ask for a statement on
my checking and I'll split.
Max, I thought it was a cool idea
that would never work.
Dude, we could make it
all in one shot...
and get away with it
and put it all on the line.
A good bet are when the odds
outweigh the risk.
You know what that means?
This isnt the case here.
You're so wrong! Listen to you!
What are you talking about?
It's a story that would never work!
That's the way I started it!
That's the way it's gonna end!
The end!
Deposit.
Hey, Mr. Merchant.
So...
where's the little pooch?
- Flying a helicopter.
- Really?
No, not really.
He's at home.
Of course.
So, what is she, a miniature collie?
He is a Pomeranian.
So, thats just as big as he,
she, it gets?
Apparently.
Up against a Jack Russell,
who would win?
Because you can never really
tell buy the size.
I've seen a fire ant go up
against a wasp...
Like quadruple its size and...
And what?
And win.
That's very, very...
uninteresting.
Are we done?
Here's your receipt.
Thank you for...
I have one key...
and this dog has the other.
Come on, door. Open.
Rick, sorry to disturb you.
Mr. Valley, what can I do for you?
I have to get going.
Did you balance out drawer four?
Well, no, but...
I really need to get drawer
four balanced out.
I understand. But, see, I had a
doctor's appointment 20 minutes ago...
with a doctor,
and so I have to...
I have to go.
I understand, and I feel your pain,
I do.
But, unfortunately, I need drawer
four balanced out.
Sorry about that, Chief.
All right.
- I need the keys to lock up.
- You're all finished?
Well, I guess we'll be okay
with one teller.
All right, well, I'm outta here.
Hey, Stu.
Thank you very much.
Have a nice day.
- And how may I help you?
- I'd like to make a withdrawal.
- What?
- I just thought I'd give it a shot.
There ain't nobody here.
The place is almost empty.
No, Max, that is something
that I told you in confidence.
I think it's the greatest idea
I think you've ever had.
Don't chastise me 'cause I've got
a dream and you can't possibly...
- See you.
- You're leaving?
Now's the time.
This is just how
you described it.
I mean, it's perfect.
Go!
- Hey, Connie.
- Hey, Rick.
- Ill just have my usual.
- Sorry, we just ran out.
You got yourself quite a shiner there.
- Yeah, well, you know.
- Sorry, sweetie.
What are you doing?
Stu, are you crying?
Take it easy. You dropped one.
You're the king, dude. This is the
greatest thing I've ever seen you do.
Be happy! Hand me that. Give me that.
Pick it up.
You happy?
Stu, you happy?
Have a pleasant day.
Max! Stop! Max!
What's up?
- Here's your keys, Rick.
- Shella.
Hi, I'm Charles Merchant.
On my sixth birthday
my father gave me a tricycle.
Then, he got on a train
and never saw him again.
My mother...
was left without a job or a dime
to raise me...
and my five sisters.
We had nothing.
But, by the time I was 22,
I was a millionaire.
And today, I'm a millionaire
many times over.
My tapes will tell you
all you need to know...
about making
a great start...
In the profitable world
of real estate.
Is this you? Stuck in some
dead-end job?
Well, this could be you.
And I will not only
give you your dream job...
I will get you started for free.
Gee, Mr. Merchant,
how can you afford to do that?
You must be crazy.
A lot of people think I'm crazy, Susan..
but I guess I just like
helping people.
Low-life piece of crap.
Doleman. That's him.
I spent $450 and those lousy
tapes don't work.
- I told you not to get those, Shmall.
- I will not let this rest.
He has wounded me.
But I will win the battle.
- What are you talking about?
- I'm going to egg his house.
- What?
- After work.
It's that big fancy thing on
the top of the hill Farrel.
Shmall, nobody eggs houses anymore.
It's ridiculous.
I'm bringing it back.
Do you wanna come?
No.
Fine. Be that way.
What?
Nothing.
- Where you going?
- I got more interviews.
Pussy.
Do you know what that
was back there, man?
That was one part luck, one part
timing, and two parts balls!
You were incredible back there, man.
Really.
I tell you what, I'm very proud of you,
Stuart. I am.
True grace under pressure,
is what you exhibited, man.
Bravo. Bravo.
You all right?
Will you look at me?
Are you all right?
That was close.
Hey, you sweet thing.
Hello.
Youre just a sweet thing, aren't you?
Where's your daddy?
Oh, you do tricks!
Yeah, where's your daddy?
Daddy's not home right now, huh?
You want your belly rubbed?
You like to get your belly rubbed?
I'm not going to hurt you.
Let go!
Excuse me, sir?
- Would you like to buy some cookies?
- What?
Would you like to buy some cookies?
What would I want a fucking cookie for?
I thought maybe you'd want to eat them.
I don't eat cookies.
I eat little girls.
I puree them alive after
I've hunted them down with my dogs.
Bitch.
Itchy, you're all wet.
What is it? You're a mean little
fellow, aren't you?
So tell me a little about yourself.
Well, I like to hang out.
I like to watch TV...
play D & D.
And I really like to eat.
You know, stuff like that.
So what made you choose
Boyds Mills Books?
Well, I don't know. I just thought
it'd be pretty kicked back, you know.
And my parents want me to get
a job by the end of the week...
or else they're gonna cut me off.
But why are you here?
I'm the manager.
So, in your opinion, what makes
Dippin' Dots so special?
I don't know.
Well, Dippin' Dots is the world's
most unique frozen dessert.
And I always thought it was interesting
that your ice cream is...
flash-frozen using a specially
patented process giving it that...
Individual ''dot'' consistency.
All those dots.
Little ice cream dots. Crazy.
Like what the hell are those?
They're like bugs.
Little ice cream bugs.
Well, I think your shirt
about says it all.
There's one.
And these.
This is unacceptable.
This one. This one.
And medium and large.
This one.
These two.
These here and...
these.
Okay, Shmally, pick them up
and do them right.
Tomorrow, if you put them in
the right place the first time...
we won't have
to go through this again.
- Got it?
- Yeah, I go it, asshole.
You wanna jack with the Ripper?
- This doesn't fit.
- You want to play?
It's fine.
Shmall.
Doleman.
- What are you doing here?
- I found something I've to read to you.
Shouldn't you be, what was that again?
Oh yeah, looking for a job?
I have been,
but it wasn't going so well...
and besides I don't think
anyone's really hiring.
So, anyway, check this out, all right?
''The farmer in the dell,
hi-ho the derry-o...
the farmer in the dell.
The farmer takes a wife,
the wife takes the child...
the child takes the dog.''
Doleman, your reading
skills have much improved.
No, I'm reading this and I'm telling
you, there's something in it.
It's like one of those hidden
message deals.
You just have to hear it.
Just bear with me, all right?
''The dog takes the cat,
the cat takes the mouse...
the mouse takes the cheese,
and the cheese stands alone.''
The cheese stands alone.
Don't you see, everyone's got
something beneath them.
The dog has the cat,
the cat has the mouse...
- the mouse has the cheese.
- I was able to follow that.
But the cheese stands alone,
you know what I mean?
The cheese is totally screwed.
It's the bottom of the chain.
But eventually something has to be
at the bottom, right?
So soon enough
it's gonna be the cheese.
Wait till you start reading
Curious George.
Now that's
an unpredictable monkey.
Forget it.
What happened here?
They committed suicide.
And what about that one?
- I'm going to get this one.
- I'll ring you up at the front.
Stu, you know who's playing here?
You know what's playing here tonight?
Rod Stewart, man.
We're going to the Rod Stewart Show,
and you loved The Faces, man.
Limited engagement, and we're in.
We're in hard-core.
I told you. Can you smell it?
Can you smell the indulgence?
The opportunity? Can you smell that?
We're rocking tonight.
I'm going in my pajamas.
Look, it's Stuie's room.
Wow, Stu. How about that?
Thanks a lot.
Hey, by any chance, do you know...
we'd be able to meet women that...
Well, never mind.
Look at this place, man!
What the hell?
We got some cash...
we might as well do it right.
I want you sit down.
Hl. Who's this? Purdy?
We would like to order a couple
shrimp cocktails, please.
Yes, two.
That's great.
And New York Steak.
Medium.
French fries.
And a bottle of your most
expensive champagne.
Great. Actually, you know what?
Make it two bottles.
Nice dinner, huh?
- Why did you want to come here?
- This is the bank Rick and I work at.
- You want to talk about it?
- Not really.
About 3 months ago, our ATM machine
got robbed by some hackers.
That's pretty wild.
Ricks supposed to have the codes
checked regularly, he always forgets.
Somehow, someone broke in.
That stuff really happens, huh?
If it happens again,
he'll get fired.
That's crazy.
Mark...
I want to rob this bank.
Doleman.
- Dolemite, open up.
-Just a sec.
- What's up?
- Are you sleeping already?
I'm tired. I've got an interview
in the morning. What's up?
Huevos la casa.
You want to come?
Do you want some champagne?
So after we've eaten this sushi, itchy,
we'll have duck.
Tell me, itchy, shall we have it
basted on a spit?
I think sauteed with a little tamarind
rind and prune glaze.
Come on.
Duck! I love duck.
You know, itchy, I think I shall
spend the rest of my life...
killing and eating as many
of them as I can.
And when I die, itchy...
there shall be one final duck
on my casket...
so that the whole world will know...
''He loved duck.''
Go, go, go, go!
Come on, itchy.
Let's have some fun.
Go left!
Watch out!
So you got a plan?
Go in there and take the money
from the ATM.
What about cameras? I mean, aren't
there cameras all over the bank?
Yeah, the cameras only record
if the alarm goes off.
What is this? Is this revenge?
Yes. Yes, it is.
Against Rick.
It's about the bank...
and my life.
Do you care at all
that this is illegal?
Who really considers not doing something
because it's against the law?
Shella, I'm going to take you away now.
Come on, let me in. Let me in.
Out, out, out, out!
Get in the truck.
I locked the keys in the truck?
Run!
Open the door.
- Where are you going?
- We have 30 seconds.
I have to reset the alarm.
Do you have something up front?
I've got the ''Goodfellas'' table
waiting for you.
Terrific.
He's legend. Maggie Mae!
He's looking right at us.
We or something.
Bring us two bottles of
your finest champagne.
You're not Rod Stewart!
That's not Rod Stewart.
Rob Stewart.
Celebrity impersonator.
What are we doing here?
I can't do this. I'm going to charge
all this to my credit card.
I just got take all this back
on Monday.
You know what, man?
It's your call.
You're the captain.
- I want to do it.
- I know you do.
I really do.
This isnt a game. This is our lives
we're talking about.
I know, man.
But I'm saying, if you keep passing
up opportunities like this...
you're going to end up
living your life...
No, that's bullshit!
I'm talking about going to prison.
And I'm saying that
they're both prisons.
No! Quit conning me!
You don't know what prisons like!
I don't even know what a prisons like.
I'm not conning you, Stuart, okay?
No, you don't listen to me.
Just listen to me for one second, okay?
However...
mundane work might be at least we can
go home and do whatever we want to.
That's gotta be a hell of a lot
better than prison.
Yes! I'm peeing in my pants,
too, Stuart!
Believe me! I'm peeing in my pants!
But I'm seeing it take this. You got
to take a chance, win or lose.
Sometime, somewhere down the line,
you're going to have to take a chance.
- I know.
- You know?
I just don't know. I don't think I can.
That's what it is.
Here's what I think. And mind you,
whatever you decide...
I'm behind you.
All right?
But seriously, dude, everyone
with money in this country...
Is boning over someone.
And that's the truth, you know?
Unless you've inherited, and then
your parents did the boning for you.
I don't know, Stuart,
I kind of feel like...
Like we're the ones getting boned over.
Like we're the ''bonees''.
And there isnt anyone out there
that wants that any different.
So if you and I don't do anything
to change that...
then it's kind of like our lives
were written for us.
And yeah, you know,
we did what we did.
We're a couple of thieves.
But, you know, at least we're writing
our own story.
- I just don't know if I can.
- And that's all right, man.
That's cool.
Where you going?
I think I'll go back to the room
for a little while.
Shouldn't we be leaving now?
I turned off the sensor so if anyone
checks, the red light will still be on.
But we should probably stick around,
you know, in case anyone's...
- Outside?
- Yeah.
Just for a couple of hours.
This is the worst date
I've ever been on.
Is this a date?
No, it's a felony.
That was fun. I like you, itchy.
You're a mean dog. Mean, mean, mean.
Where's the key?
Where's the key?
The cheese stands alone!
Black.
Black what?
We bet black.
Yeah, yeah. Wait up.
Shmall, are you sleeping?
Doleman! Oh, my God!
What the hell happened to you?
I looked all over.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Where were you?
- I got conked out in the desert.
Forget about that.
How do I look?
- Great.
- Help me out. You gotta look at me.
You're a supermodel.
This is important.
I really need you to help me out.
Those the clothes you got a Harkers?
Do you think I can go
to the interview like this?
You look good.
Seriously. Don't sweat it.
Well, all right. Come on.
I eat cheese.
I know you do.
I've seen you.
If I'm going to do this,
I gotta do it right now.
Are you sure you want to do this?
I want to show you
what $40 thousand looks like.
Stuart Stein speaks
very highly of you.
He does?
Nothing.
Stuart Stein is a fantastic employee.
We're very fortunate, we are very
honored to have the likes of...
Stuart Stein.
Fourteen, red.
That's the third red in a row.
Odds seem pretty good
on black.
Maybe we should bet now.
Everythings secure
with the pit boss.
They've covered the bet.
Whenever you're ready.
- We do this now?
- Yeah.
$250 thousand on black, please.
Good luck.
Working at Desert Savings Bank
is a lot of responsibility.
But I assure you
it has huge rewards.
I like to think of it...
as a door.
No, I like to think of it
a door and a ladder.
You've got to stop fidgeting.
You open the door and
you see a ladder...
and you climb up
the rungs to success.
Now, we can't open that door for you.
That's something you have
to do for yourself. But...
we can provide you with the key.
And what you do on the other side
of the door...
Is up to you.
- What?
- Nothing.
Are you ready to open that door,
Mr. Doleman?
- Yes.
- That's a yes.
Yes. Yes, I think I'm ready.
Thirteen, black!
You all right?
You don't think we should have
gotten here a little earlier?
No, I don't want to do
anything suspicious.
I'm the first one
who checks the vault.
It should be good.
We should be okay.
All right, man.
You want me to wait for you?
Just like every other day, okay?
Pick me up later.
We've been robbed.
Some punks...
probably some hackers...
broke in and stole all the money out of
the ATM in the middle of the night.
Listen, just to be safe, I want
an inventory of the entire bank.
I'd like you go back and check
your drawer. Check the mini-vault.
- Okay.
- Great.
Get to it, sport.
Excuse me.
So, this is the big one.
This is it. I'm proud of you.
Really?
Well, I'm gonna go and try
and blow them away.
- All right, get out of here.
- You get out of here.
Excuse me, who's Rick?
Jesus Christ! Can you help
him with that?
Thanks.
Officer, could you just...
- Who are you?
- Carter Doleman.
I think I'm supposed
to start today?
Yeah. Weve just been robbed.
That sucks, huh?
Look, Conner, I just don't think we're
going to be needing anybody right now.
I appreciate your stopping by.
Good luck.
So you just want me to come back
tomorrow at the same time?
Chief, get lost. All right?
Jim. Back with you. I think that...
Well, we got it under...
You know where the lavatory is?
Yeah, it's over there.
Thank you.
You okay?
Yeah.
Woods.
Join me in my office a second?
Come on in.
And shut the door.
What happened to you?
- Just a desert thing. Nothing.
- Great.
Have a seat.
Congratulations.
It looks like you...
might be the new Bank Manager.
Where are you going, Woods?
I quit.
Quit.
You're the new Bank Manager.
That's great, Rick. You know what,
though? I've actually been...
believe it or not,
I've been thinking about quitting.
Congratulations, Shella.
You're the new Bank Manager.
You deserve it.
You worked hard.
You are such an amazing woman.
Maybe we could grab a cup of coffee,
or something.
Come on over to the condo and...
make fondue.
Like old times.
I would really love to.
I really would.
But I'm a glorious bird...
and I've got to fly.
I quit.
I will have the Double Western
Bacon Cheeseburger...
with a large criss-cut fries, and
a large criss-cut Coke.
And a Garden salad.
And you know that? Let me grab
those fried zucchini thingies...
with Ranch dressing.
Okay. Anything else?
- How's the chocolate cake?
- It's all right.
Yeah? Cake me.
Hey, Dickman!
Doleman.
You might want to go back inside.
They might be looking
for somebody after all.
Awesome, man! Thanks!
Got it for you.
Let me just get that for you.
Sorry about the hassle.
Here we go.
All right, this is it.
- I'm proud of you, man.
- Really?
I'm gonna go in there and blow them
away. All right, get out of here.
- You get out of here.
- I'll see you later.
Excuse me. Who's Rick?
I'm trying as hard as I can.
No, I don't think it was some
electronic mouse, Stu.
Can you help him?
- Officer, could you just...
- Hl, Rick?
- Who are you?
- Carter Doleman.
I think I'm supposed
to start today?
Weve just been robbed.
That sucks.
Look, I just don't think they're gonna
be needing anybody right now.
I'm really sorry about that
and wish you the best luck.
So you just want me
to come back tomorrow?
Same time, 10 o'clock?
You know, same deal?
Champ. Get lost.
All right?
Thanks.
You're not going to say anything?
Nothing?
I give you three years of my life,
you won't even talk to me?
I mean, even if it seems like
a waste of time.
Sorry.
I'm trying to make a point.
You're hiccupping for half an hour.
And I'm willing to admit that I'm
the bad guy here. I'm cool with that.
My Mom says you drink
from the back of the glass.
That's a load of crap.
That doesn't work.
- You just gotta wait these things out.
- Just give it a try.
Don't be so close-minded about it.
I don't want to hold
you down anymore.
- I told you.
- That doesn't work. I gotta call my Mom.
It's like...
...you're this...
...glorious bird...
...and I'm this two
hundred pound string...
...that's keeping you from flying.
I'll bet you $20 bucks that you can't
scare the hiccups out of you.
You got a deal, son.
Well?
Well, what? I cant just go...
You're sitting there like, ''Well''.
You can't be expecting it.
It's supposed to be a surprise.
Do it! Go on, you son of a bitch!
Hiccup! Do it!
- Do it!
- Shella!
I cured your hiccups.
You owe me $20.
The Horned Toad defends itself...
...by spraying its intruder with
blood from the corner of its eyes.
I wish I could do that...
...when the blood boils
in your head...
...and you can feel you eyes
bulging out of their sockets.
I didn't used to feel this way,
but about a year ago,
I had an awakening,
an epiphany of sorts.
I had been working for the Desert
Savings Bank for five years...
...and I was finally being
offered a promotion.
Assistant Manager.
Rick, the Manager,
was breaking down my new job.
The additional responsibilities
would require me to come in early,
stay late, open up, lock up,
check in the tellers, count out
the tellers, weekly scheduling...
and about 12 other things
I cant remember.
And for my hard work and talents, I
would be getting a long overdue raise.
This was it. The fruits of my labor
were finally acknowledged.
Fifty-five cents more an hour.
Now that is a 15 percent raise.
And all at once it hit me.
I had worked for this bank for
five years. This is what I do.
I'm supposed to care
about this place.
I'm supposed to care
about what I am doing here.
This is my life.
Nobody gonna hurt you.
Its just...
Get off!
I guess I just figured,
screw it,
if you have nothing,
you have nothing to lose.
What, are you high right now?
Am I the only person that knows
how to drive in this whole town?
Did you see that?
Are you all right?
I'm gonna have a Double
Western Cheeseburger,
with a large criss-cut fries...
...and a large Coke.
I'll have a Bar-B-Q chicken sandwich
with a baked potato plain...
...and a medium Coke.
Okay, that's $13,33.
What's this?
- That's all I have.
- It's $2. Where's the rest?
I'm sorry, dude, that's like...
I'm good for it.
No, you're not good for it.
You owe me $18 from last week.
- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.
Just because I work at a bank doesn't
mean I am a bank, all right?
If you don't have the money I'm going
to have to ask you to step aside.
What is it, like $6?
Bar-B-Q chicken sandwich, baked
potato plain, with a medium Coke.
- Fine. What do you want?
- Famous Star.
And water.
How much is a Famous Star?
Are you okay?
Who the hell are you?
I was in Landy's Diner.
I followed you.
You were...
Just wanted to see if
you were all right.
Are you?
No! I'm pretty messed up!
My boyfriend dumped me!
- Why?
- About a year ago...
...we decided we should both
go back to school...
...and get some degree so we could
both get better jobs.
But neither of us had the money,
so I told Rick...
''Baby, let's keep our jobs
and I'll use my savings...
and when you get a better job,
you can help me.''
Well, it turns out Rick is
mathematically retarded.
There is no way he's going to make
it through Calculus.
So I spent everything else I have
to help him hire a tutor.
And now here we are.
He's about to get his AA
in a couple of weeks...
...and they're gonna give him
a promotion when he does...
...and now he's dumping me.
- I don't understand why. Why?
- He's screwing the tutor!
That is pretty bad.
I certainly think you showed him
how you felt in there.
I don't think you're going to
be seeing him anymore.
He's the manager at my work.
I'm going to see him tomorrow.
Oh, my God.
I know how you feel. Well, I don't
know how you feel.
But I've been pretty messed up, too.
When I was a little kid I had this
pet pig. His name was Piggies.
He used to follow me all around, and
he used to sleep in my bed with me.
You know, he would kind of like
root up by me feet.
He would follow me all around.
I taught him to fetch my slippers and,
I mean, he was like a brother.
He was like a little brother.
And he made a lot of noise.
Anyway, so one day
I come home, you know...
from baseball practice,
and there's food...
...and there's rice all over the floor.
And then there's Piggies.
And I guess he ate
all the rice and it just...
...It expanded in his stomach, or...
The little fella died.
So did a part of me.
Not that that's at all what
you're going through.
I don't think that you have
a pig. Or ever did.
- No.
- It's kind of unique.
I'm Mark.
Shella.
Listen, I know that
this just happened.
If you feel like you need to talk
or you just want to get out...
Call me.
We'll go out and just talk.
So, what's DFD?
It's the Desert Fire Department.
- You're a fireman?
- Yes, ma'am.
- Why?
- Good question.
You know, it's not boring.
The money's decent.
I just wanted to do
something of value.
- Right.
- Oh, yeah?
- I followed you, didnt I?
- I'm not on fire.
I disagree.
Just call me.
- Because I told all those people...
- What's up?
I'm in a coma and we're searching
for a cure of my wounds.
- I speak nine languages.
- What is your intelligence?
- 14.
- A thief with 14 intelligence?
I whip out my Plus-Two short sword,
walk up to that Orc,
hock a big loogy in
his face and say:
''So, you wanna jack
with the Ripper?''
Fine. I told the Orc.
But since everyone knows
he only speaks Orc...
he has absolutely no idea
what you're saying.
Doleman, you shaved.
What's the occasion?
I thought I'd go job-hunting
after I win the game.
- What about Kali Nasa ice cream?
- He got fired.
I don't know, some stupid
Assistant Manager.
I think his name was Cleatis. Like that
was actually his name, Cleatis.
So, anyway, I'm getting an
ice cream for this old lady...
...and just as I'm handing it to her,
Cleatis grabs me by the arm,
makes me throw
the damned thing away...
...and starts yelling at me about how
much ice cream I'm wasting.
How many times do I have to tell you?
You scoop off the top of the ice!
Listen to me!
You're wasting this company
a lot of money.
It's not only my policy,
but it's company policy!
Okay, that'll be $2,95, please.
- No way!
- Yeah, totally absurd.
- So, what happened to the guy?
- Nothing, he was all right.
But he had this huge chocolaty
red weit on his face. It was awesome.
Can you believe that guy?
If that were me...
''You wanna jack with The Ripper?''
And I have Plus-One throwing daggers,
so you know they hit their mark.
Where did you get Plus-One
throwing daggers?
From your Mom.
Dude-Man, why don't you try to get
a job where Stu works?
- At the bank?
- Yeah, man.
Dude, you'd be a natural there.
What do you think about that, Stu?
Are they still hiring over there?
They hold interviews once a month.
It's actually this Sunday.
You know what you should do?
Go to the Corporate Office
this Sunday at 8:30...
and Ill just tell them
you're coming beforehand.
You're sure to get an interview
at least.
Cool. Right. I'm there. Where's
the Corporate Office again?
I'll write it down for you.
I'm taking the game
over to Dickeys house.
- 8:30?
- A.M.
That's rough.
Hey, George.
Hey, George.
Come on in here.
Come on, George.
It's your day, George.
One day you'll have one of these,
just like this.
My mom started this for me
when I was just born...
and there's not a year of
my life that isnt in here.
Pretty cool, huh?
Beautiful.
Hey, congratulations.
Okay, there you...
You sit.
Stay right here. Stay right here.
No, George.
This is George.
He has been my roommate and
confidante for quite a while now.
He's a survivor, like me.
This is Charles Merchant, the man
responsible for orphaning young George.
When I first met George, he and his
mother were fleeing for their lives.
Fortunately, George got away.
His mother wasn't so lucky.
You are dead.
From that day forward,
George lived with me.
We made a pact.
Someday, somehow,
we would avenge George's mother.
You're not even listening,
are you, George?
''Gemini. Your IQ is soaring.
If it continues at this rate, it will
reach 145 by month's end.
In other words,
you're flaming genius, Gemini.
And it doesn't hurt that
the smell of freedom...
Is more vivid than
it's been in years.''
I'm telling you, man,
I'm a frigging genius.
How about we get babies
and rent babies...
to single guys?
I'm serious.
'Cause girls dig guys with kids.
Last week,
I was with little Tommy...
and this hottie walks up to me
and starts dialoguing me.
She was hot. See, it had to have
been the baby,
because the truth is that that
rarely ever happens to me alone.
- Yeah?
- Yeah. So what I'm saying is...
we get an RV
and we fill it...
with as many babies as we can
from as many people as we can...
and then we drive it out
to Furnace Park.
We'll rake in a fortune.
I don't think people are going
to lend us their babies...
- But that's great.
- You're absolutely right.
- Puppies.
- What about puppies?
We rent puppies.
'Cause girls dig puppies, too.
So we drive to the
entrance to the park...
and we rent some puppies
to some single guys.
You're kidding me, right?
Well, you know, I'm kidding
kind of half-serious kidding, yeah.
Dude, it's all about the timing, man.
You just gotta do the right
thing at the right place.
I don't want to hear this right now.
Besides, if it was all in the timing...
nothing would ever happen, because
everyone would be sitting around...
- Waiting for the right time.
- That's not what I mean.
I'm saying you can make timing.
You just have to pay attention.
I don't want to hear your stupid ideas
right now. Please. Please.
Air Supply. Pull.
Last week, the pieces
of the puzzle came together.
I'd been looking at the bank
differently for months now.
The bank stopped being the place
I showed up and forgot myself...
until it was time to leave.
It was a house of money.
I broke it into parts.
There are five places money is kept,
all in cash.
One, the cash drawer.
It carries approximately 10 thousand
at a given time and is counted daily.
Two, the ATM machine. It carries at
least 40 thousand and is counted daily.
Three, the mini-vault.
The small vault behind the tellers.
Around 250 thousand,
and counted daily.
Four, the vault.
Mainly a storage facility...
that could be carrying cashier's
drawers and other valuables.
Or maybe nothing.
Inventoried daily.
Five, safety deposit boxes.
A potpourri of cash,
valuables, documents...
and meaningless mementos.
There is no record of anything put
in a safety deposit box.
Merchant's a customer at the bank.
He shows up
about twice a month.
Sometimes he brings his dog.
He's loaded. He sells some kind
of ''Get rich quick'' package.
He doesn't know who I am
but every time I see him...
I can feel the blood
in my eyes start to boil.
Last week, he wanted to see
his safety deposit box.
So I take him around and
I ask if he has his key.
He looks at me for a second,
then turns around.
He's fiddling with
the dog's collar...
and I see in the reflection that the
dog's tag pops open like a locket.
He turns around with his key.
I take my key
and we open his box.
And that was it. Here was a box
of unrecorded money.
I have one key and
this dog has the other.
You look so beautiful right now.
We can be friends, right?
You're this glorious bird.
Stu, do you think
my ideas are stupid?
Look at me. Did you say that?
Do you think that?
You know what? Screw you.
You're being a dick, man.
You're starting to piss me off!
You got to be kidding me.
The next time you come
home from work...
complaining about how
you hate everyone...
don't come looking for me,
because you're miserable.
And you just sit with it.
- You being serious right now?
- I'm not kidding!
Tell me then, when in your real life
have you actually come up with an idea...
that worked that you used
to benefit yourself?
At least I try to. You suck!
You want an idea
that would never work?
- I have them.
- Yeah.
What's today, Friday?
When the bank closes on Saturday,
no one's in there again till Monday.
So, if there's any cash missing...
no one would know about it
for the whole weekend.
So, what I think about...
Is that I could empty my drawer
into my knapsack...
on Saturday, when I close out.
No one would know about it.
It's usually about
$ 10 thousand.
Cruise to Vegas, bet it all on black,
one clean shot. Double or nothing.
If I win, replace all the money on
Monday. No one knows a thing about it.
If I lose, become a fugitive.
But if I win, it's $ 10 thousand.
And then there's the mini-vault.
I've thought about the mini-vault, too.
The mini-vault?
It's a small vault behind the tellers
that usually has over $200 grand in it.
It's for when people want to withdraw
larger sums of cash from the teller.
And after Saturday, nobody checks
that vault again till Monday.
It takes a special key to open it. This
key's in one the other teller's drawers.
He leaves it in there about
50 percent of the time.
And every day, at exactly 2:45,
like clockwork...
Rick, the manager,
takes his coffee break.
He orders coffee and a slice of rhubarb
pie, and flirts with the waitress...
until 3 o'clock. Sometimes,
while he's on his break...
I think, screw it, I could take
$250 thousand out of that safe...
go to Vegas
and double or nothing.
Hell, yeah. That's it, man,
we're there. Dude, we're there.
- No, that's the story.
- No, that's the plan.
How come you've never
mentioned this before?
Even if you and I could sit down and
figure out how to do this perfectly...
which you and I could never do,
I still wouldn't actually do it.
Yeah, but I'll help you. I'll go
in there with my backpack...
and you give the money.
I'll take it right out of there.
If the timings not right,
then, whatever.
I'll ask for a statement on
my checking and I'll split.
Max, I thought it was a cool idea
that would never work.
Dude, we could make it
all in one shot...
and get away with it
and put it all on the line.
A good bet are when the odds
outweigh the risk.
You know what that means?
This isnt the case here.
You're so wrong! Listen to you!
What are you talking about?
It's a story that would never work!
That's the way I started it!
That's the way it's gonna end!
The end!
Deposit.
Hey, Mr. Merchant.
So...
where's the little pooch?
- Flying a helicopter.
- Really?
No, not really.
He's at home.
Of course.
So, what is she, a miniature collie?
He is a Pomeranian.
So, thats just as big as he,
she, it gets?
Apparently.
Up against a Jack Russell,
who would win?
Because you can never really
tell buy the size.
I've seen a fire ant go up
against a wasp...
Like quadruple its size and...
And what?
And win.
That's very, very...
uninteresting.
Are we done?
Here's your receipt.
Thank you for...
I have one key...
and this dog has the other.
Come on, door. Open.
Rick, sorry to disturb you.
Mr. Valley, what can I do for you?
I have to get going.
Did you balance out drawer four?
Well, no, but...
I really need to get drawer
four balanced out.
I understand. But, see, I had a
doctor's appointment 20 minutes ago...
with a doctor,
and so I have to...
I have to go.
I understand, and I feel your pain,
I do.
But, unfortunately, I need drawer
four balanced out.
Sorry about that, Chief.
All right.
- I need the keys to lock up.
- You're all finished?
Well, I guess we'll be okay
with one teller.
All right, well, I'm outta here.
Hey, Stu.
Thank you very much.
Have a nice day.
- And how may I help you?
- I'd like to make a withdrawal.
- What?
- I just thought I'd give it a shot.
There ain't nobody here.
The place is almost empty.
No, Max, that is something
that I told you in confidence.
I think it's the greatest idea
I think you've ever had.
Don't chastise me 'cause I've got
a dream and you can't possibly...
- See you.
- You're leaving?
Now's the time.
This is just how
you described it.
I mean, it's perfect.
Go!
- Hey, Connie.
- Hey, Rick.
- Ill just have my usual.
- Sorry, we just ran out.
You got yourself quite a shiner there.
- Yeah, well, you know.
- Sorry, sweetie.
What are you doing?
Stu, are you crying?
Take it easy. You dropped one.
You're the king, dude. This is the
greatest thing I've ever seen you do.
Be happy! Hand me that. Give me that.
Pick it up.
You happy?
Stu, you happy?
Have a pleasant day.
Max! Stop! Max!
What's up?
- Here's your keys, Rick.
- Shella.
Hi, I'm Charles Merchant.
On my sixth birthday
my father gave me a tricycle.
Then, he got on a train
and never saw him again.
My mother...
was left without a job or a dime
to raise me...
and my five sisters.
We had nothing.
But, by the time I was 22,
I was a millionaire.
And today, I'm a millionaire
many times over.
My tapes will tell you
all you need to know...
about making
a great start...
In the profitable world
of real estate.
Is this you? Stuck in some
dead-end job?
Well, this could be you.
And I will not only
give you your dream job...
I will get you started for free.
Gee, Mr. Merchant,
how can you afford to do that?
You must be crazy.
A lot of people think I'm crazy, Susan..
but I guess I just like
helping people.
Low-life piece of crap.
Doleman. That's him.
I spent $450 and those lousy
tapes don't work.
- I told you not to get those, Shmall.
- I will not let this rest.
He has wounded me.
But I will win the battle.
- What are you talking about?
- I'm going to egg his house.
- What?
- After work.
It's that big fancy thing on
the top of the hill Farrel.
Shmall, nobody eggs houses anymore.
It's ridiculous.
I'm bringing it back.
Do you wanna come?
No.
Fine. Be that way.
What?
Nothing.
- Where you going?
- I got more interviews.
Pussy.
Do you know what that
was back there, man?
That was one part luck, one part
timing, and two parts balls!
You were incredible back there, man.
Really.
I tell you what, I'm very proud of you,
Stuart. I am.
True grace under pressure,
is what you exhibited, man.
Bravo. Bravo.
You all right?
Will you look at me?
Are you all right?
That was close.
Hey, you sweet thing.
Hello.
Youre just a sweet thing, aren't you?
Where's your daddy?
Oh, you do tricks!
Yeah, where's your daddy?
Daddy's not home right now, huh?
You want your belly rubbed?
You like to get your belly rubbed?
I'm not going to hurt you.
Let go!
Excuse me, sir?
- Would you like to buy some cookies?
- What?
Would you like to buy some cookies?
What would I want a fucking cookie for?
I thought maybe you'd want to eat them.
I don't eat cookies.
I eat little girls.
I puree them alive after
I've hunted them down with my dogs.
Bitch.
Itchy, you're all wet.
What is it? You're a mean little
fellow, aren't you?
So tell me a little about yourself.
Well, I like to hang out.
I like to watch TV...
play D & D.
And I really like to eat.
You know, stuff like that.
So what made you choose
Boyds Mills Books?
Well, I don't know. I just thought
it'd be pretty kicked back, you know.
And my parents want me to get
a job by the end of the week...
or else they're gonna cut me off.
But why are you here?
I'm the manager.
So, in your opinion, what makes
Dippin' Dots so special?
I don't know.
Well, Dippin' Dots is the world's
most unique frozen dessert.
And I always thought it was interesting
that your ice cream is...
flash-frozen using a specially
patented process giving it that...
Individual ''dot'' consistency.
All those dots.
Little ice cream dots. Crazy.
Like what the hell are those?
They're like bugs.
Little ice cream bugs.
Well, I think your shirt
about says it all.
There's one.
And these.
This is unacceptable.
This one. This one.
And medium and large.
This one.
These two.
These here and...
these.
Okay, Shmally, pick them up
and do them right.
Tomorrow, if you put them in
the right place the first time...
we won't have
to go through this again.
- Got it?
- Yeah, I go it, asshole.
You wanna jack with the Ripper?
- This doesn't fit.
- You want to play?
It's fine.
Shmall.
Doleman.
- What are you doing here?
- I found something I've to read to you.
Shouldn't you be, what was that again?
Oh yeah, looking for a job?
I have been,
but it wasn't going so well...
and besides I don't think
anyone's really hiring.
So, anyway, check this out, all right?
''The farmer in the dell,
hi-ho the derry-o...
the farmer in the dell.
The farmer takes a wife,
the wife takes the child...
the child takes the dog.''
Doleman, your reading
skills have much improved.
No, I'm reading this and I'm telling
you, there's something in it.
It's like one of those hidden
message deals.
You just have to hear it.
Just bear with me, all right?
''The dog takes the cat,
the cat takes the mouse...
the mouse takes the cheese,
and the cheese stands alone.''
The cheese stands alone.
Don't you see, everyone's got
something beneath them.
The dog has the cat,
the cat has the mouse...
- the mouse has the cheese.
- I was able to follow that.
But the cheese stands alone,
you know what I mean?
The cheese is totally screwed.
It's the bottom of the chain.
But eventually something has to be
at the bottom, right?
So soon enough
it's gonna be the cheese.
Wait till you start reading
Curious George.
Now that's
an unpredictable monkey.
Forget it.
What happened here?
They committed suicide.
And what about that one?
- I'm going to get this one.
- I'll ring you up at the front.
Stu, you know who's playing here?
You know what's playing here tonight?
Rod Stewart, man.
We're going to the Rod Stewart Show,
and you loved The Faces, man.
Limited engagement, and we're in.
We're in hard-core.
I told you. Can you smell it?
Can you smell the indulgence?
The opportunity? Can you smell that?
We're rocking tonight.
I'm going in my pajamas.
Look, it's Stuie's room.
Wow, Stu. How about that?
Thanks a lot.
Hey, by any chance, do you know...
we'd be able to meet women that...
Well, never mind.
Look at this place, man!
What the hell?
We got some cash...
we might as well do it right.
I want you sit down.
Hl. Who's this? Purdy?
We would like to order a couple
shrimp cocktails, please.
Yes, two.
That's great.
And New York Steak.
Medium.
French fries.
And a bottle of your most
expensive champagne.
Great. Actually, you know what?
Make it two bottles.
Nice dinner, huh?
- Why did you want to come here?
- This is the bank Rick and I work at.
- You want to talk about it?
- Not really.
About 3 months ago, our ATM machine
got robbed by some hackers.
That's pretty wild.
Ricks supposed to have the codes
checked regularly, he always forgets.
Somehow, someone broke in.
That stuff really happens, huh?
If it happens again,
he'll get fired.
That's crazy.
Mark...
I want to rob this bank.
Doleman.
- Dolemite, open up.
-Just a sec.
- What's up?
- Are you sleeping already?
I'm tired. I've got an interview
in the morning. What's up?
Huevos la casa.
You want to come?
Do you want some champagne?
So after we've eaten this sushi, itchy,
we'll have duck.
Tell me, itchy, shall we have it
basted on a spit?
I think sauteed with a little tamarind
rind and prune glaze.
Come on.
Duck! I love duck.
You know, itchy, I think I shall
spend the rest of my life...
killing and eating as many
of them as I can.
And when I die, itchy...
there shall be one final duck
on my casket...
so that the whole world will know...
''He loved duck.''
Go, go, go, go!
Come on, itchy.
Let's have some fun.
Go left!
Watch out!
So you got a plan?
Go in there and take the money
from the ATM.
What about cameras? I mean, aren't
there cameras all over the bank?
Yeah, the cameras only record
if the alarm goes off.
What is this? Is this revenge?
Yes. Yes, it is.
Against Rick.
It's about the bank...
and my life.
Do you care at all
that this is illegal?
Who really considers not doing something
because it's against the law?
Shella, I'm going to take you away now.
Come on, let me in. Let me in.
Out, out, out, out!
Get in the truck.
I locked the keys in the truck?
Run!
Open the door.
- Where are you going?
- We have 30 seconds.
I have to reset the alarm.
Do you have something up front?
I've got the ''Goodfellas'' table
waiting for you.
Terrific.
He's legend. Maggie Mae!
He's looking right at us.
We or something.
Bring us two bottles of
your finest champagne.
You're not Rod Stewart!
That's not Rod Stewart.
Rob Stewart.
Celebrity impersonator.
What are we doing here?
I can't do this. I'm going to charge
all this to my credit card.
I just got take all this back
on Monday.
You know what, man?
It's your call.
You're the captain.
- I want to do it.
- I know you do.
I really do.
This isnt a game. This is our lives
we're talking about.
I know, man.
But I'm saying, if you keep passing
up opportunities like this...
you're going to end up
living your life...
No, that's bullshit!
I'm talking about going to prison.
And I'm saying that
they're both prisons.
No! Quit conning me!
You don't know what prisons like!
I don't even know what a prisons like.
I'm not conning you, Stuart, okay?
No, you don't listen to me.
Just listen to me for one second, okay?
However...
mundane work might be at least we can
go home and do whatever we want to.
That's gotta be a hell of a lot
better than prison.
Yes! I'm peeing in my pants,
too, Stuart!
Believe me! I'm peeing in my pants!
But I'm seeing it take this. You got
to take a chance, win or lose.
Sometime, somewhere down the line,
you're going to have to take a chance.
- I know.
- You know?
I just don't know. I don't think I can.
That's what it is.
Here's what I think. And mind you,
whatever you decide...
I'm behind you.
All right?
But seriously, dude, everyone
with money in this country...
Is boning over someone.
And that's the truth, you know?
Unless you've inherited, and then
your parents did the boning for you.
I don't know, Stuart,
I kind of feel like...
Like we're the ones getting boned over.
Like we're the ''bonees''.
And there isnt anyone out there
that wants that any different.
So if you and I don't do anything
to change that...
then it's kind of like our lives
were written for us.
And yeah, you know,
we did what we did.
We're a couple of thieves.
But, you know, at least we're writing
our own story.
- I just don't know if I can.
- And that's all right, man.
That's cool.
Where you going?
I think I'll go back to the room
for a little while.
Shouldn't we be leaving now?
I turned off the sensor so if anyone
checks, the red light will still be on.
But we should probably stick around,
you know, in case anyone's...
- Outside?
- Yeah.
Just for a couple of hours.
This is the worst date
I've ever been on.
Is this a date?
No, it's a felony.
That was fun. I like you, itchy.
You're a mean dog. Mean, mean, mean.
Where's the key?
Where's the key?
The cheese stands alone!
Black.
Black what?
We bet black.
Yeah, yeah. Wait up.
Shmall, are you sleeping?
Doleman! Oh, my God!
What the hell happened to you?
I looked all over.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Where were you?
- I got conked out in the desert.
Forget about that.
How do I look?
- Great.
- Help me out. You gotta look at me.
You're a supermodel.
This is important.
I really need you to help me out.
Those the clothes you got a Harkers?
Do you think I can go
to the interview like this?
You look good.
Seriously. Don't sweat it.
Well, all right. Come on.
I eat cheese.
I know you do.
I've seen you.
If I'm going to do this,
I gotta do it right now.
Are you sure you want to do this?
I want to show you
what $40 thousand looks like.
Stuart Stein speaks
very highly of you.
He does?
Nothing.
Stuart Stein is a fantastic employee.
We're very fortunate, we are very
honored to have the likes of...
Stuart Stein.
Fourteen, red.
That's the third red in a row.
Odds seem pretty good
on black.
Maybe we should bet now.
Everythings secure
with the pit boss.
They've covered the bet.
Whenever you're ready.
- We do this now?
- Yeah.
$250 thousand on black, please.
Good luck.
Working at Desert Savings Bank
is a lot of responsibility.
But I assure you
it has huge rewards.
I like to think of it...
as a door.
No, I like to think of it
a door and a ladder.
You've got to stop fidgeting.
You open the door and
you see a ladder...
and you climb up
the rungs to success.
Now, we can't open that door for you.
That's something you have
to do for yourself. But...
we can provide you with the key.
And what you do on the other side
of the door...
Is up to you.
- What?
- Nothing.
Are you ready to open that door,
Mr. Doleman?
- Yes.
- That's a yes.
Yes. Yes, I think I'm ready.
Thirteen, black!
You all right?
You don't think we should have
gotten here a little earlier?
No, I don't want to do
anything suspicious.
I'm the first one
who checks the vault.
It should be good.
We should be okay.
All right, man.
You want me to wait for you?
Just like every other day, okay?
Pick me up later.
We've been robbed.
Some punks...
probably some hackers...
broke in and stole all the money out of
the ATM in the middle of the night.
Listen, just to be safe, I want
an inventory of the entire bank.
I'd like you go back and check
your drawer. Check the mini-vault.
- Okay.
- Great.
Get to it, sport.
Excuse me.
So, this is the big one.
This is it. I'm proud of you.
Really?
Well, I'm gonna go and try
and blow them away.
- All right, get out of here.
- You get out of here.
Excuse me, who's Rick?
Jesus Christ! Can you help
him with that?
Thanks.
Officer, could you just...
- Who are you?
- Carter Doleman.
I think I'm supposed
to start today?
Yeah. Weve just been robbed.
That sucks, huh?
Look, Conner, I just don't think we're
going to be needing anybody right now.
I appreciate your stopping by.
Good luck.
So you just want me to come back
tomorrow at the same time?
Chief, get lost. All right?
Jim. Back with you. I think that...
Well, we got it under...
You know where the lavatory is?
Yeah, it's over there.
Thank you.
You okay?
Yeah.
Woods.
Join me in my office a second?
Come on in.
And shut the door.
What happened to you?
- Just a desert thing. Nothing.
- Great.
Have a seat.
Congratulations.
It looks like you...
might be the new Bank Manager.
Where are you going, Woods?
I quit.
Quit.
You're the new Bank Manager.
That's great, Rick. You know what,
though? I've actually been...
believe it or not,
I've been thinking about quitting.
Congratulations, Shella.
You're the new Bank Manager.
You deserve it.
You worked hard.
You are such an amazing woman.
Maybe we could grab a cup of coffee,
or something.
Come on over to the condo and...
make fondue.
Like old times.
I would really love to.
I really would.
But I'm a glorious bird...
and I've got to fly.
I quit.
I will have the Double Western
Bacon Cheeseburger...
with a large criss-cut fries, and
a large criss-cut Coke.
And a Garden salad.
And you know that? Let me grab
those fried zucchini thingies...
with Ranch dressing.
Okay. Anything else?
- How's the chocolate cake?
- It's all right.
Yeah? Cake me.
Hey, Dickman!
Doleman.
You might want to go back inside.
They might be looking
for somebody after all.
Awesome, man! Thanks!
Got it for you.
Let me just get that for you.
Sorry about the hassle.
Here we go.