Search for Beauty (1934) Movie Script
1
Hemingway, my coat.
My hat, Hemingway.
My cane and gloves.
What cane and gloves?
Well, I had a cane and
gloves when I came in here.
What a memory!
Never mind. Give me my wallet.
(BELL RINGING)
Hey, you're 30 bucks light.
I had 250 smacks when
I came into this deadfall.
We'll take it up
with the management.
What a joint.
When it comes to
getting your dough back,
this place is almost
as bad as a bank.
Sure, I know.
There's crooks in here.
So long, Jack.
You've been regular.
So long, Larry. See you again.
(WOMEN CHATTERING)
Well, well, well, if it isn't
the belle of the big house.
You haven't changed a bit, Jean.
Still the same swell number.
Lay off that number stuff. You'll
never make a number out of me again.
Still the same quick comeback.
Yeah, and the same
slick come-on.
And speaking of come-on,
about that oil deal.
Forget it.
That's last week's wash.
Maybe. But it hasn't
been ironed out yet.
Why didn't you tell me there
was no oil in those oil wells?
I didn't know there was
no oil in those oil wells.
But you knew
there were no oil wells.
Now wait a minute.
I can explain that.
You can't explain away
two years in the can.
For 18 months
I've been sitting on my...
Where do you think I spent the winter?
Florida?
Come on, let's forget
it and start over.
I'm starting over,
all right, but alone.
So far as you're concerned,
I'm through and went.
Wait a minute.
I've got a cab here.
No thank you, brother. You'll
never take me for another ride.
Hey, I've been looking
all over for you.
Was I having a good time.
Up to now.
I got a great idea, listen.
I tell you, we're all washed up.
I wouldn't vote with you
in the same election.
Won't you even read what
it says in the paper?
(IN FOREIGN ACCENT)
No speak no English.
Won't you please listen to me?
This is so honest,
it's disgusting.
What's the most sought-after
thing in the country today?
A medium-priced giraffe.
Stop gagging, will you?
I tell you this
is on the dead level.
Even a banker would loan
you money just on the idea.
Then handle it yourself, and
when they catch up with you,
I'll bake you a cake
with a file in it.
Yes, ma'am. Should I
make up your section now?
Yes. Yes.
Both?
Both. Lower.
Both.
(TRAIN WHISTLING)
Both.
JEAN: I was a good girl
until I met you.
LARRY: You are still
a nice girl, honey.
I wish I was back in Evanston.
Forget Evanston and listen
to my idea, will you?
All right.
What's all the patter?
Here. Take a look at that.
That's where we start.
Los Angeles,
at the Olympic Games.
Why? You going in
for hammer throwing?
All the countries of the world
send their best physical specimens,
then we step in
and take our pick.
Pick of what?
No pockets in running
suits, are there?
From now on, sister,
we're selling what
the world's crying for.
Health and beauty.
Wait a minute. I'll
tell you all about it.
My, my, my, what
pink toes you've got.
(SCREAMS)
Tell me from up there, Ducky.
(BAND PLAYING)
(PEOPLE CLAPPING)
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
MAN ON PA: Next entrant in the
women's high platform diving event,
Miss Barbara Hilton
of Great Britain.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Look at that Hilton gal.
Ain't she a honey?
Mmm-hmm.
You could pasture peas on her.
(PEOPLE CLAPPING)
MAN ON PA:
Your attention, please.
Announcing the winners of the
women's high-diving event.
First place,
Miss Barbara Hilton
of Great Britain.
(PEOPLE CLAPPING)
Nice work, Britannia. If it couldn't be
America, I'm certainly glad it was you.
Thanks a lot.
Your attention, please.
Next event, 400 meters,
freestyle, for men.
Lots of luck right
back at you, America.
If it can't be England,
I hope it's you.
Thanks. That's
a hope that helps.
That's the girl
for us, all right.
MAN ON PA: And in lane number
six, Don Jackson, United States.
That Jackson kid
looks pretty good.
(EXCLAIMS) Baby,
you can come to Mama!
Swimmers and judges ready.
Swimmers to your marks.
(GUN FIRES)
Come on! ALL: Come on!
MAN 1: Hey! MAN 2: Hey!
Can he swim.
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
Hey! Hey!
Great race, Don! Thank you.
Say something on
the mike, will you?
Yeah.
Don Jackson, folks, winner
of the 400-meter freestyle.
Meter's a cinch.
I'm sure, beaucoup.
I'm glad that I won.
I take the opportunity at this
time to congratulate my opponents
for their fine display
of sportsmanship.
Most of all, I'd
like to say something
to you people sitting
up there in the sun.
Come on down here and
do things like this,
like they're doing
over there in the stadium.
Don't just clap your
hands for exercise,
but get off your
feet and get on them.
Come on down here and exercise.
Exercise and get healthy.
Exercise is for everybody.
Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you, Don.
Did you get
a load of that spiel?
He's bowling them
right up our alley.
You go after the girl,
I'll get Jackson.
(SCREAMS)
What's the big idea, you goof?
Imagine those guys, just
a bunch of cheap grifters.
Trying to cash in
on the kid's name.
That's right. You gotta be
careful of those phonies.
I'll say you have.
Some race, boy. You
sure used your head.
Thanks, Mac.
Head, yes, but a head made
clear by a healthy body.
A body made fit by right living,
right eating, right exercise.
Don, this is Mr. Williams
I was telling you about.
How do you do, Mr. Williams?
Congratulations, Jackson.
Thanks. Funny, but what you just
said is just like an article I had
in the paper this morning.
That so?
Then I'm dead certain
you're just the man I need.
The man to edit my
Health and Exercise magazine.
Mac told me about your idea,
but to handle a job like that calls
for more experience than I've had.
Thanks anyway.
(EXCLAIMS)
Well, have you thought it over?
BARBARA: Yes, but I'm
afraid I couldn't tackle it.
I'd be out of my element.
That's very disappointing.
We were so anxious to have the
right kind of girl handling it.
That's why I came to you.
You wouldn't have to shoulder
all the responsibilities.
You would have help, of course.
Your partner. Partner?
Yes. You chosen anybody yet?
We were figuring on Don Jackson.
Don Jackson!
This was Mr. Peck's office.
It hasn't been
used for some time.
And this is the photograph gallery.
I'll open it up for you.
Okay. We'll be right here.
All this joint needs is a horsehair
sofa and a horsehair sofa.
That's all right.
We'll fix it up.
Throw out all this junk and
get some real classy stuff.
You know, carpets
so thick you can sink
your feet in them
up to your knees.
And your bankroll
up to the rubber band.
Where's the what-it-takes
coming from?
Dan Healy.
That guy's got one-way
pockets lined with fishhooks.
Don't worry. He'll cough.
Didn't he get all his dough out
of the deal we took the rap for?
He'll split.
Come in.
Hello, Dan. Well,
I'm glad to see you.
How are you? Well, hello, Larry.
I'm certainly glad to see you.
(CHUCKLES) You remember Jean?
Sure.
Jean, it's a treat to see you.
Yeah? Then it's a Dutch treat.
What are you sore at me for?
Why, Danny, I'm not sore at you.
Why should I be?
I just adored going
to jail for you.
Got any more stretches
you want me to do?
You never went to jail for me.
I just happened
to be out of town
when the jam came, that's all.
I just happened
to miss the train.
You're always missing trains
just before the payoff.
Funny how rich a guy
can get missing trains.
I ain't rich.
And I was happier when I was poor
and selling rheumatism rings.
So was I. Wait a minute.
Why don't you two
try to get along?
Hey, Larry. What's the
idea of meeting here?
Dan, did you ever
hear of Milo Peck? No.
Yes, of course you did.
You must have.
Hey, look. There he is.
The big, exercising muscleman.
You know, big-bicep-conscious
and all that sort of hooey.
Well, about two months
ago, our man Peck kicks off
and this joint's for sale. And
I've got an in on it so cheap,
it'll make you snicker.
I don't snicker easy. How much?
50 grand.
(CHUCKLES) Why, for
you, just petty cash,
and listen, Dan,
it's on the up-and-up.
Why, we can spit in the cops'
eyes while we're working it.
Well, how are you
in on it, then?
Well, while I was incarcerated...
In what?
In jail.
I had a little time on my
hands, so I read his magazine.
Old man Peck had a line.
"Exercise and be healthy."
That was the string.
But here's the kite
he collected on.
Look at those pictures, boy.
Sex. That's what old man
Peck took to the market.
And that's what
sold the magazine.
I remember this guy.
We used to advertise
our rheumatism
rings in this sheet.
There you are.
Why, the advertisements
alone are worth
a million dollars.
It's raining soup, boy. Throw
away your fork and get a spoon.
Well, if this health
racket is so hot,
why didn't Peck make
a lot of heavy dough?
Because you didn't
leave any to be made.
Because he was old-fashioned.
He didn't live up to the times.
He was still living in the days
when stockings were
considered underwear.
Yes, and men were men,
and took their own raps.
Why, just look at these chromos.
No wonder the old
boy never cashed in.
Can you imagine trying to
sell a load of that nowadays?
Look at that one on the end.
I'll bet she's got rheumatism.
Look at that puss.
Hey, look, you say
this is on the up-and-up?
Well, I don't want to
spit in no cop's eye.
If you're hooked up with this,
there's some kind of a gazype in it.
Now what is it? There is, Dan.
I'll be honest with you.
And here it is.
Health Acres. A hotel
and a few acres of ground.
Maybe there's oil on it.
The old chump used it to work
out some of his exercise gags.
And here's where he dropped all the
dough that he made on the magazine.
All right. I got a great idea.
What?
Don't buy the hotel.
It goes with the deal,
but that's nothing.
We can afford to let it lay
there and go jungle on it.
The magazine will
pay for the farm
a hundred times.
There's millions in it.
Make it billions. I'll
lend you a few zeroes.
It's a natural.
Don't you think so, Dan?
No, I don't, and I'll tell you why.
I got nothing against sex.
Either you got it, or
you go looking for it.
But what would you and Jean
be doing editing a magazine?
Wasn't I the society
editor of the prison paper?
That's the point. You two
have just got out of...
Yeah, and did I learn
about exercise there.
I see your point, Dan.
But supposing I could
get a class front,
a couple of Olympic champions,
like Don Jackson
and Barbara Hilton.
Well, certainly it'd be something
to talk about, but what's the use?
Them youngsters stand for things
on the level, on the up-and-up.
What would they be doing
with a couple of...
Say it and see me squirm.
Well, anyway, you can't
get them, that's all.
I can't, eh? They wouldn't
even come near you.
They wouldn't, eh?
You know they wouldn't.
Come right in, Miss Hilton.
Miss Barbara Hilton,
Mr. Don Jackson,
the editors of
Health and Exercise.
How do you do? How do you do?
This is Mr. Healy,
our publisher.
Why, how do you do, Mr. Healy?
I'm glad to know you, sir.
And this is Miss Sally Palmer,
my cousin.
Pleased to meet you, Mr. Healy.
Pleased to meet you.
Mr. Healy, our publisher.
And now if you'll come with me,
I'll show you to your office.
Bye, Mr. Healy.
Yeah, I'm sure.
Well, Dan,
are you our publisher?
That cousin, that blonde?
She's your secretary.
I'm your publisher.
Now then, Sally.
I think I'll call you Sally for short.
This way to your department.
SALLY: Thanks.
(BLOWING)
I don't think I'm going
to like this much.
Why not?
Because I can't see you.
I can see you.
That's funny. I can't see you.
There. Hello.
Hello. Better? Much.
Gee, this is going to be fun.
We'll get these desks turned around.
Get this place all fixed up.
And then for some hard work.
Mind if I send you
flowers for your desk?
Now and then?
All right. Now and then.
We'll have to take turns,
you know.
Turnabout is fair play.
That's right, fair play.
Together?
Mmm-hmm.
Together.
Nice work, Mr. Editor.
Got all of those things?
She sure has.
She is lovely, isn't she?
A honey. And can she swim!
But you saw her.
What a figure.
What a figure.
You're not so bad yourself.
Yes, I am.
I'm putting what I don't want
on places that don't need it.
This magazine will tell
you how to take it off.
Are you pretty solid?
I don't know. Am I?
Well...
Bit of a bulge here.
We'll rub that off for you.
A couple of too
many inches here.
Sorry, Don. Yeah.
Mr. Williams wants to see you.
Thank you.
He's a grand boy. I like him.
We're glad you do. Frightfully.
LARRY: Come right in, Don. What
did I tell you? Can he take it?
We got a great idea.
This is the idea on the floor.
This is our editor, Mr. Jackson.
This is Adolf Knockler.
How do you do?
Talks and everything.
We're going to put him
in the window downstairs.
What for? We're gonna
break granite slabs
on his stomach
with a sledgehammer.
The first day, 200 pounds.
That's nothing.
And the last day,
we're gonna rope off
the street and run
a truck over him.
Yeah. Yeah.
What's the gag?
He's got a hard stomach.
Sure, look. Come on, get up.
Let him hit you.
Yeah, go on. Hit him.
Yeah, hit me. Hit me.
Why should I? Don't you get it?
Knockler here takes the
exercises that we recommend.
Now he's able to let a truck run
over his stomach. It's a great stunt.
Now listen, fellas. Promotion
and a bit of hoopla is all right.
But this is a cheap
and cheesy stunt.
Why, he's never taken
any of our exercises,
and publicity
like that isn't going
to do us any good
in the long run.
We've got no time for long runs.
What we want is
quick circulation.
Taking a guy out and
running a truck over him.
It's an open and shut fake.
Fake? Who's a fake?
Hit me. Hit me!
Go on.
I show you. Hit me! Hit me!
(SCREAMS)
(COUGHING) Come on, out.
Out, Adolf, out.
There you are.
You can't even keep a strongman
strong with that Jackson guy around.
He crabs everything we do.
The Boy Scout stunt,
the strip act in the park.
Don't I know it?
We'll never get anywhere until
we get that guy out of our hair.
What does he think
we're running?
A magazine for campfire girls?
I got a good mind to...
Don't shake your finger
at me, it wasn't my idea.
How's that look, Arnold?
Yeah, that looks like something.
Now.
Hello.
What is this? Old home
week in the harem?
We're making
a composite picture.
We're putting these and those
together and producing that.
We're taking the best
things these gals
have got and doing
tricks with them.
A Larry Williams production?
ARNOLD: It's his idea.
And remember, it's my dough
that guy's kicking around.
I know it's your money,
but keep your hair braided.
I'm gonna run this
place the way I wanna.
All right, all right.
(INTERCOM BUZZES)
Yeah? DON: Williams?
Yeah.
Come over to the
studio, will ya?
All right.
Jackson? Our editor.
So it's another
Williams idea, huh?
He takes the credit for it. Somebody
probably thought of it first.
What is this idea about
a composite picture?
LARRY: Well, it's a great gag.
Building up the ideal for our
slogan, "Have a body beautiful.
Yeah, the way we figure, no dame in
the world has got the best everything.
One's got the best legs.
Hello, Amy.
Another one's got the best hair.
Hi, Helen.
Hello.
LARRY: You see, we're using Geri's
eyes, Mary's nose, Hazel's neck...
And Roena's back.
Hi, Roena.
Hello, Danny.
And right on down the line to...
What's your name?
Go on, I know that gag.
Yeah, we're using Fanny's feet.
Show him the puppies, Fanny.
So you're gonna put them
all together in a picture?
Sure, that's a cinch for Honey.
Why do you fellas always have
to do things the fakey way?
Instead of building up an ideal
girl like a jigsaw puzzle,
why don't you really
find an ideal girl?
And a man too, for that matter.
DAN: What do you mean, "Find"?
A contest!
I get it. We open
up the whole town
and give a prize
for the Body Beautiful.
Not just beautiful,
but healthy, fit.
And not only here,
but all over the country.
All over the world!
And Brooklyn.
Do you get it? A universal
contest for the Body Beautiful,
sponsored by
Health and Exercise.
Swell. A contest is
great for circulation.
And has the kid got a
brain as well as a body?
Why didn't you think of that?
Quiet.
We use their pictures
in every issue.
Hold them up as models
for our readers.
But first we bring them
here for the final judging.
Let the people see the
real thing, not just pictures.
And I'll be the judge. Quiet.
Go to work on that. Boy, is this something.
It's colossal!
It's better than that.
It's positively mediocre.
Listen, this thing will bring
us the best bunch of beauty
that was ever corralled in
one town. Beauty and health.
Yeah, but they gotta eat
if they want to stay healthy,
and who's gonna pay
for the hand grains?
It's a natural! We put
them up in the best hotel.
What? For nothing. Don't you get it?
For publicity.
We'll make them
endorse everything
from baby clothes to bathtubs.
And we'll endorse the gravy.
Yeah, but look, there
ain't gonna be no gravy
with this Jackson kid around.
He won't stand for another
of them trick tie-ups.
That guy wouldn't endorse
compound interest.
But he's not gonna be around.
What?
We'll send him away to manage the
contest and keep him off our toes.
Send him away... Who else?
He's the editor, isn't he?
And while he's gone... Boy!
We'll get some sleep. We'll get...
We will not. We'll go to work.
We'll get out a real magazine.
Hot? Hot! You could
fry an egg on it.
Love stories. And confessions.
Peck, old boy. Hide your eyes.
It would break your heart
to see what's gonna happen.
Did you ride here on that?
I beg your pardon.
I say, did you
ride here on that?
All the way from Edinburgh.
She's from the bonny
braes of Scotland.
I can see now
why they're bonnie.
(CHUCKLES) Yes.
Over yonder, there's the
winner from South Africa.
That dark-haired boy there? Yes.
MAN: Hello, Tidbury.
Hello, boys.
DON: It's a nice layout
you have here, Tapley.
All these young
men and women, Don,
have been chosen
as best representing
the youth of the British Empire.
Well, the Committee certainly
did a good job of it.
Now if you have your contestants
sign these contracts,
Tapley, while I...
Hold on. I don't want
you to misunderstand us.
We all know you
and you're all right.
But this magazine. Now, we're
all going a long way from home...
Don't worry. I'm personally responsible
for your contestants, Tapley,
and you can count on
me 100% in everything.
(ALL CHATTERING) That's
all right with me.
ARNOLD: Hurry up.
Up. Up!
Take them up.
Up. Up. Take them up.
LARRY: Up, up, up, up she goes.
That's the answer to everything.
Circulation, readers.
Why, we couldn't have
bought typewriter ribbons
with that skimmed milk
we were dishing out.
Now we're pouring cream
and they're lapping it up.
This is cream, is it?
Vicious stories written
by morons for halfwits.
"I Loved An Artist." "I Was
Just 16." "Moon Madness."
And my name goes on this
reeking rut as an editor.
My dear young lady, there can be no
virtue without a knowledge of vice.
You don't know a stove is hot
until you touch it, do you?
These stories all point a moral.
Yes, just enough moral to
sneak them through the mails.
Young lady, please remember,
these stories are passed on
by a board of
the highest standard.
A preacher, a teacher, and a
Park Avenue society dame... Lady.
Yes, I know. The kind that
endorses cold cream she never uses
and mattresses
she's never slept on.
All right. You have a vote in the
editorial policy. Why not use it?
Very well, I will.
Call a meeting.
Good.
Then we pass "I Was Just
16" and "Moon Madness."
Now for "I Loved An Artist."
Will you give us your
report, Miss Pettigrew?
Briefly, a young girl
comes to New York
and meets a poet
in Greenwich Village.
Those poets. What thrilling
love lives they lead.
Just leaping from one
bed of flowers to another.
Sipping honey here,
nectar there.
PETTIGREW: He is experienced in
the wiles and guiles of love.
She is caught in a
whirl of Bohemian life.
Inhibitions go. Poof!
She finally succumbs
to the charm of an artist.
She what? Succumbs, you dope.
Huh? She quits stalling.
Oh!
And then...
Now let me tell about that.
The scene in the studio
is entrancingly described.
How the dark mysterious painter
poses her on a bearskin rug.
Where does the health
and exercise come in?
The exercise comes later.
Go on with the story.
Just as a former sweetheart
of the artist enters...
It's so dramatic, the
two women fighting
for the affection of the
dark, mysterious painter.
But I still don't see what this
has to do with health and exercise.
Well, we'll hear
from Dr. Rankin.
Don't you think
it points a moral?
Rather diluted, I thought.
About 1% moral and 99% sex.
There's nothing wrong
with sex, brother Rankin.
As long as it leads
to what it leads to.
Well, shall we vote?
All in favor say aye.
Aye! Aye!
And those opposed.
No! No!
The "ayes" have it. We
pass "I Loved An Artist."
Well, I hope so.
Meeting's adjourned.
Keep up the good work, my child.
It all seems so hopeless.
Why you, a minister,
sitting on the committee
and dealing with all this muck?
It may seem strange,
but I'm in a position to be more
helpful to you and the magazine
on the committee than off.
But I still don't see.
Never mind, my child. You will.
Boy! Is this high, wide and hot!
"I Loved An Artist."
They used to arrest you for
just thinking stuff like that.
They must have printed
it in a refrigerator.
Why? So they could handle it.
I sure wish I could meet a guy
like that dark,
mysterious artist.
What makes you think you'd
go so good on a bearskin rug?
Say...
Of course she gets a
bill for it in the end.
Bill baloney. That "paying
the price" stuff is the bunk.
They just put that in
to make the yarn moral.
I bet that dame is
living on Park Avenue.
Driving an imported oil can,
splashing mud in the faces
of pure working girls.
If I ever get a chance...
Me too.
And I don't care what his
past was or his future is.
As long as he has a present.
Sally, don't you think you'd
better get back on the job?
SALLY: Well, my lunch
hour isn't up yet.
I just had to wire you, Don.
There was nothing else to do.
I'm glad you did. I shouldn't
have gone away in the first place.
You see, it isn't only
Sally, but girls like her,
thousands of them all over
the country reading that junk.
And thinking we recommend it!
So that's their racket.
And they roped us into
this just to use our names.
Well, what are we
going to do about it?
Fight them. If they think they've
got a couple of dummy editors,
they're crazy. I'll show them.
You mean, we'll show them?
That's right. We'll show them.
You and I together.
Together.
MAN: Eggs ain't
on my diet, though.
I can't eat anything
with Albanians in it.
SALLY: You mean albinos.
DAN: Come on now, hold the pose.
Now we all set? Paula,
get rid of the...
Well, when did you get back?
Never mind that.
What's all this?
This is a true-life picture
for a true-life story.
Passion Slave, it's called.
What are you doing here, Sally?
Mr. Healy says I'm
battling for my honor.
(GIGGLING) That's all I know.
Get out.
Well, what's the matter, don't
you think it's a swell setup?
Darn near perfect.
(CRASHING)
You took advantage of my absence to
turn this magazine into a cheap rag.
You publish a lot of dirty stories
under my name and Barbara's.
Now, my boy, you're taking
this thing too seriously.
Not seriously enough so far.
But from now on, things
are going to be different.
Maybe you'll change your mind when I
tell you we've tripled the circulation
on these stories. Look.
And your cut's 10%.
There's more to a
magazine than circulation.
Yes, and there's
more to your blood
than circulation, but
try to do without it.
Without circulation, how
are you going to get ads?
And that's another thing.
Can't we get along without selling
space to a lot of quacks and fakers?
Look at this junk.
What's the difference, as long
as they lay it on the line?
A lot of difference. You're not
gonna print any more of this stuff.
Not and use my name.
Forget your name for a
minute and think of my dough.
Yes, don't forget,
he's your publisher.
Yeah, don't forget, I'm your...
Quiet.
If it wasn't for him, there
wouldn't be any magazine.
If it wasn't for me... Quiet.
Don't you think
he's got a right to...
Don't you think I've got a right to...
Shut up.
Now listen, you two,
get this straight.
As long as I'm editor
of this magazine,
it will be run the
way I want it run.
And nothing goes in
it without my okay.
And that's final.
Another of your good ideas.
You never had one yet
that didn't sneak up
behind you and
bite you in the...
And bite you.
Well, what are we gonna do now?
Throw him off the magazine.
Get rid of him. Fire him.
We can't.
Why not?
I gave him
a three-year contract.
What for?
So nobody else would
get him away from us.
Do me a favor, will you?
What?
Go out and find a chiropodist
and have your head examined.
What are you looking for?
My hat.
Where you going?
To find a chiropodist
and have my head examined.
(WAILING)
What the...
Healy! Look! I know, the gazype.
No, no, Health Acres,
and I got a great idea.
Save it. It's gonna
be a tough winter.
No, no. You'll love this one.
That has a familiar ring,
and I don't mean rheumatism.
Come here.
Hello, Jackson? DON: Yeah?
Listen, you're a nice
young kid and I like you.
Come in here. I'm gonna make
you independent for life.
Healy, you'll
Kiss me for this one.
It's a wonderful place, Don.
You'll like it.
Yeah, it's a wonderful place.
Quiet.
You'll have a chance to try
out some of your pet ideas.
Yeah, you'll have a chance to...
Quiet.
What's your proposition?
You give us your interest in the magazine
and we'll give you half the farm.
There you are. You give
us your interest...
Will you shut up?
Now just look what you're getting.
A hotel and a 10-acre farm.
And you know what big dough
there is in a farm nowadays.
Yeah, you know what big dough...
Thanks, fellas. But there's just
one thing wrong
with your proposition.
LARRY: What's that?
I've seen the dump.
I'll stick with the magazine.
And you don't wanna be a farmer?
No. I'd rather be an editor.
You're a salesman, huh?
You couldn't sell fresh
fish to a starving seal.
What chance did I
have after that crack
you made about the
big dough on farms?
Why didn't you sell him?
I'll sell him if he ever
gets rheumatism. I hope.
Can you imagine those shizzlers?
Trying to unload that
health farm on us
for our interest
in the magazine.
What a laugh.
How big is that farm?
Just big enough to
be a white elephant.
About 10 acres and
a good-sized hotel.
How much would
it cost to fix up?
About $10,000. Why?
Just got an idea about these boys
and girls from all over the world.
Don't forget,
they're coming here.
Yeah. Pretty tough, when you
think what they're walking into.
And I'm responsible.
It's not you.
It's Williams and that Jean.
Jean's all right.
Well, they're
partners or something.
Anyway, it's what they're gonna do with
these kids when they get them here.
Yeah.
Well, we won't let them.
We'll keep those
kids on the farm.
It's got a hotel and we
can fix it up, can't we?
Sure we can!
But what do we use for money?
Williams and Healy. They want you out.
You want money.
Make them give you the farm,
full control and $10,000.
I wonder if they're that
anxious to get rid of me.
Are you with me?
We're partners in everything.
Then we'll put it over.
Let me at that guy.
(INTERCOM BUZZES)
Hello? Williams?
LARRY: Yeah?
We've been talking it over and you're right.
We should separate.
So we'll take the farm, provided
you give us full control.
And $10,000.
Tell him I'm rolling
on the floor laughing.
Wait a minute.
Listen, it's worth 10 grand.
With that kid out of the
way, we can make a million!
Nothing's worth 10 grand in
cash, not even a million.
Yeah?
LARRY: We're not interested.
Well, it leaves us
right where we were.
Well, offer him five grand, and
that's throwing it down the sewer.
Hello, Jackson? DON: Yeah?
We'll give you five grand, and
that's throwing it down the sewer.
$10,000.
No go.
Make it six.
Hello. Six thousand.
No sale.
(WHISPERING) $7,500.
$7,500.
Nothing doing.
Well, what do you say?
Okay. Ten grand.
Jackson? Okay, $10,000.
(MOANS)
And you've murdered Healy.
All right. Draw up the papers.
Okay. 51% to you.
And full control?
And full control.
You can take it and take it.
And here's the stock. Let me be
the first to congratulate you, Don.
You got a swell proposition.
DON: Yes. We think so.
Barbara has a great idea. To turn the
farm into the health capital of the world.
A sort of maker of health, with a
staff of international health models.
Where you gonna get the models?
The contest winners.
We'll keep them
there as instructors.
Hundreds of people will be only too
pleased to learn health and exercise
from such perfect instructors.
Yeah. It's a swell ointment,
but there's a fly in it.
What? The magazine
started the contest.
And the contestants are ours.
And they ain't gonna
stay at no farm.
Well, fellas, I'm afraid
you're wrong,
for the contestants are signed
with me, not the magazine.
You made me
personally responsible.
BARBARA: Williams
insisted on that himself.
You wanted to
cash in on Don's name.
Well, you folks, why
don't you drop in sometime
and get a little
instruction yourselves?
Yeah. You do look
a little run down.
Do you realize what he's got?
Dumb luck.
That guy could fall down a sewer
and come up with a bottle
of perfume in each hand.
The Mecca of Health. My eye.
It's Monte Carlo
in your own backyard.
It's a mountain of mazuma.
And you could pick
it up with your teeth.
What I wouldn't pay myself to have one
of them honeys give me my daily dozen.
Or even half a dozen.
Well, you could
charge $200 a week.
You're selling the
American sucker short.
Certainly.
With these cuties around,
a guy that wouldn't pay $300
a week is at least an atheist.
And you two mental midgets paid
him to take it off your hands.
All right, wisecracker. We
still got 49%, haven't we?
Let's see, 200 guests at
$300 a week adds up to what?
Nothing, the way
Don will run it.
He'll give them huskies instead
of honeys to work out with
and charge them $30
a week instead of $300.
Well, Mr. Williams.
Is there anything else of mine
you'd like to donate to Mr. Jackson?
Don't worry. I'm not
through with that guy yet.
I'll get another idea.
Now listen, you two.
There's only 2% of this stock
between us and the control.
What about it?
Well, if you cross my
palm prettily, I might...
You might what?
Do something about it.
What with my girlish laughter and my
habit of lisping in the moonlight...
That's the stuff, baby!
Give him the glue.
There's a line that
runs down there
by that fence where the
corner is down there,
and around over yonder and
up by these telephone poles.
Thank you. You're welcome.
Doesn't look good
for much, does it?
Except maybe a murder mystery.
Of course, if you're gonna walk
into it with a heavy tragedy tread.
Buck up, old timer,
there's work to be done.
It'll take at least three
months to make this place
decent enough
just to camp out in.
Well now, we can't
talk it into shape.
I know.
How are you gonna get
started on a job like this?
First thing you do is take
your head out of your hands.
Then you get in touch
with a good contractor
and find out how much it will
cost to fix this place up.
You know a good contractor?
No. Don't you? Does anybody?
Remember that old song?
"People who sit on their
patios never get anywhere."
(EXCLAIMS)
DON: Jean.
Hello, folks.
Are you just mildly surprised
or merely stupefied?
We're flabbergasted.
What are you doing down here?
And is Mr. Williams with you?
(SCOFFS) Williams?
We're not speaking.
Henceforth and forever forward
little Jeanie is on her own.
You mean you've split with him?
You could chase a flock
of elephants between us.
We're just like that.
But why?
I got sick of health.
His idea of health, anyway.
You got sick of Williams' ideas
rather suddenly, didn't you?
Struck me all of an eve, dearie.
Anyhow, that's my story
and you're stuck with it.
But you still haven't told us
what brought you down here.
The same thing that brought you.
You know, I have
always had an idea
that this place
had possibilities.
Well, it may have, but you
can't see them for the weeds.
They cleared the weeds off
Times Square, didn't they?
You know, it wouldn't take much
to turn this shoestring
into a showplace.
Strange Williams didn't
have that idea himself.
What are these?
When Williams bought the
place, I had estimates made
of repairs, redecorating,
things like that.
I thought perhaps
you could use them.
Now, here's the way
the place should look.
When, as and if.
Gee, this is great.
Thanks a million, Jean.
Look, Barbie, here it
is all laid out for us.
It will save us a month's work.
What a woman! Yes.
Will you drop in on us once
in a while with a good idea?
Once in a while?
I'm camping here.
I'm gonna be right on
the job to help you out.
Now let me get this straight.
You're moving in to help us out?
JEAN: Yes.
To help us "out"
or to help us out?
To help you out. Out?
Yes?
I was looking for Miss Jean.
Well, she's not here. Is there
anything I can do for you?
Well, it's about the stadium.
This estimate is way off.
(EXHALES)
Time out for a smoke.
Where'd I put them?
Here they are. Thanks.
That's one vile habit
I just can't give up.
Well, you can have just one.
Thanks.
Certainly deserve it. Sure
are a glutton for work.
You never get tired, do you?
It's been fun.
Doing something without having to
look over your shoulder all the time.
Not very much like
working with Larry Williams.
I'm glad you gave
him the air, Jean.
He's cheap and he's tricky.
And you're too fine a girl.
Thanks for the rating.
You're not so bad yourself.
This is gonna look swell
when we get it all fixed up.
The bed's all right. Wish I
had a good book and an apple.
Wonder how this room
would look with twins.
I mean twin beds.
Which do you prefer?
Well, that all depends.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
I'm sorry to interrupt.
Come right on in.
Think you'd better come out.
We're having some
trouble with the stadium.
It's running away
over the estimate.
$3,000!
(WHISTLES)
Well, Hicks says we'll have to cut
away nearly half the side of that hill.
Then the stadium's out.
Tell Hicks to take
his men off the job.
Off the stadium? Yeah.
The old bankroll is
getting a bit anemic.
It all costs a lot
more than I expected.
But you'll get it back in spades
as soon as the customers
start barging in.
If they keep barging in. $300 a week
is a whale of a price to charge.
It's good business. People
like prices that panic them.
Gives them a whole winter's conversation.
I know, but...
Once you're set, you can
revise the ramp downward.
Don. Yes?
Do something for me?
Sure, what?
Go on with the work.
Why, Jean, I can't...
JEAN: You've got to
have that stadium.
Why, all your opening
flash is built around it!
You might as well stage
Ben Hur without the chariots.
It's a sweet thought, Jean,
but I can't take this money.
Why can't you take it?
After all, we're partners,
aren't we?
DON: I know, but...
All right, if your
conscience bothers you,
give me an interest
in the place.
I'll take a mortgage
on the old farm.
That's an idea.
What do you think
about it, Barbie?
Don, don't you realize
that you can't...
Take a letter, Barbara, giving Miss
Strange a 10% interest in the place.
Get it typed and
I'll sign it right away.
You haven't finished
that letter yet, huh?
Thank you.
Well, well. And how's the Queen
of Health Acres this fine morning?
Hello.
My dear child, what's the matter?
What's happened?
(WHINING) Everything.
He sold her some stock.
And she's planned
the whole opening.
And she's marvelous
at everything.
And I'm just keeping the books.
And last night, I asked him if he
loved me, and he said, "Of course."
Just like that, he did.
And she called him, "Darling."
I heard her asking him
if he liked twin beds.
He said, "It all depends.
I wish I was home.
I wish I never heard
of Health and Exercise.
I wish I was dead.
Nonsense, nonsense. We'll
straighten this out.
(FOGHORN BLOWING)
(BELL RINGING)
Certainly great having
you folks here, Tapley.
It's great being here, Don.
Hello, Barbie.
BARBARA: Hello, Don.
Miss Hilton, this is Miss Gill.
How do you do?
Mr. Tapley. How do you do?
And Mr. Delcambre.
It's a pleasure.
I hope you enjoy your
stay at Health Acres.
I'm sure I'll love it.
It's so nice around here.
It certainly is now!
When do we eat?
Only between meals, old timer.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Come on, let's go.
This is Miss Helen Gray of
Medicine Hat, Alberta, Canada.
How do you do, Miss Gray?
And this is Miss Gladys Willar
of Worcester, Massachusetts.
"18 years old, 54"
and 103 pounds, right?
Right.
Yes, sir. I know a
guy that would sink
three times for that
little ball of fire.
All right. You pass
the good word along,
and I'll cut up a cantaloupe
with you boys.
Fair enough, Mr. Williams.
WOMAN 1: Excuse me.
WOMAN 2: Well! Look
who's fallen among us.
We're using those boys in
an idea we're working on.
Outdoor sports
with indoor trimmings.
As far as I'm concerned,
outdoors, indoors or behind doors.
Think any of your customers
might give him a tumble?
Tumble? If they were like me,
they'd give him a double somersault.
Give me a look. Might turn a
couple of handsprings myself.
Mmm.
Haven't seen anything
like that since...
Well, just call it since.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Don't turn them so fast.
Now don't be like that,
Danny. Let me see.
Joe. Yeah?
What do you think of that?
(WHISTLES)
Could you get interested
in that one, friend?
If he says no...
(LAUGHING)
Thanks. Thanks.
(EXCLAIMS)
(ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY)
(ALL CHATTERING)
How are you? How are you?
Hello, boys. Hello, boys.
Now look here, boys, we've been
here since 11:00 this morning.
We haven't met anybody yet.
Give us a chance
to get set, will ya?
You'll meet them,
you'll meet them.
See you later, fellas.
How's it, beautiful?
Front.
Well, well, well.
How's it going?
How's everything?
Swell. It's in the bag.
Every room in the house full.
And how about the guests?
They'll be full later.
Run down, tell Haskell to come and
see me right away, will you please?
Sure I will.
Thank you. Thank you.
I've got the...
Hello.
Hello.
What are you two
mugs doing down here?
Look, right away,
he calls us mugs.
What are we doing here? Well,
we're your partners, aren't we?
Not here, you're not.
You got nothing to do
with the running of this place.
All right, let it go like that.
Then we're guests.
Sure, we're guests,
two with a bed between.
DON: You stay here, you
have to abide by the rules.
DAN: I know. No smoking
opium in the elevators.
LARRY: It's all right. We
brought our Boy Scout suits.
Hey, you're a little
bit snooty, aren't you?
Who hooked all
these fish for ya?
Yeah, who hooked all these...
Quiet.
We did. We'll get you
a lot more if you don't
let your hat run
away with your head.
Yeah, if you don't
let your hat...
Come on.
Healy. You'll have to sign
more than X on the register.
Yeah.
(PEOPLE CLAPPING)
Tonight, ladies and gentlemen,
we are inaugurating
Health Acres.
An institution dedicated to an ideal.
Health through exercise.
All the exercise
you will see here
you can do,
if you work earnestly.
And we expect you
to work earnestly.
The young men and women out
there who present our programs
will be your instructors. They were
selected in a worldwide contest,
and represent the athletic youth
of the United States
and of the British Empire.
(BAND PLAYING)
It now gives me a great deal of
pleasure to present to you first
your instructors
from California.
(TRUMPET BLOWING)
Wisconsin and Minnesota.
(TRUMPET BLOWING)
Illinois and Missouri.
(TRUMPET BLOWING)
Texas.
(TRUMPET BLOWING)
Alabama.
(TRUMPET BLOWING)
Massachusetts.
(TRUMPET BLOWING)
Canada.
(TRUMPET BLOWING)
Pennsylvania.
(TRUMPET BLOWING)
New York.
(TRUMPET BLOWING)
Australia.
(TRUMPET BLOWING)
South Africa.
(TRUMPET BLOWING)
Ireland.
(TRUMPET BLOWING)
New Zealand.
(TRUMPET BLOWING)
Scotland.
(TRUMPET BLOWING)
England.
(TRUMPET BLOWING)
(BAND PLAYING)
(PEOPLE CLAPPING)
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
That's glorious.
I've never seen...
I beg your pardon. Didn't we
meet in Paris? I doubt it.
I know where there's a party.
Well, boys, how'd
you like the show?
Great. Great.
Do I pick them, or is
this Thursday afternoon?
I'll take the little
blonde over there.
You know, I always have
a blonde with my meals.
Wait a minute. Excuse me, gents.
I just want the
little ladies to meet
some friends of mine over here.
Think nothing of it.
Girls, I want you
to meet the boys.
This is Mr. Smith,
Mr. Jones and Mr. Brown.
Hi, how do you do? The Toot sisters.
Rita, Nita and Hita.
Didn't I meet you in Chicago?
No, I don't believe you did.
I could swear you're
a boy I met in Chicago.
No, I ain't.
I tell you what.
I'm giving
a little party tonight.
You drop up and see if my
friends don't think you're him.
Well, no matter what they
think, I know I ain't.
(WHISPERING)
Don't forget, dearie.
But I ain't never
been off of Louisville.
How'd you like to go
on the stage, baby?
I'd just love to
go on the stage.
Yeah?
Well, I'm a scout for the biggest
musical producers in town.
Honest? Sure.
Say, we're giving a little party
tonight, and you can dance for us.
Then we can see what you got.
You see, it isn't so much what
you do that gets you places.
It's what you got.
I hope I've got it.
You'll find out tonight.
Hello there, fellas.
Well, what do you think of
Health and Beauty now, huh?
Great. Splendid.
We thought we'd stage
a little party later on.
Yes, and it's going
to be a gay one.
Well, go right ahead.
Don't let me stop you.
We've got
plenty of giggle water,
but we can't find any
gigglers to go with it.
Listen, I know a couple that'll
laugh right out loud. Come on.
(ALL LAUGHING) All we
needed was a good bird dog.
BARBARA: Good night, Sally.
Sally?
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Where are you going?
To a little party.
Any harm in that?
Depends upon whose party it is.
Joe's.
You know, Joe Garrett. He's
a big theatrical producer.
He wants to see me dance.
I wouldn't go if I were you.
It's getting late.
Besides, your dancing
wouldn't interest them.
It wouldn't, wouldn't it? No.
Why don't you run along to bed?
You can't tell me what to do.
You're only my cousin.
Sally, please!
Kiss. No.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Just a minute, excuse me.
Hello. Well, here I am.
There you are. Joe, look who's
here, your little girlfriend.
Hello, baby. Here, have a drink.
Hello.
I've got one.
Now you got two.
Attagirl!
All right, come on.
Join the party!
Come right in.
There's room for one more.
(SALLY GIGGLING)
Here she is, folks.
This is Sally.
Hi, Sally.
Little Sally from our alley.
This is the little dancer
I've been telling you about.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
May I have the first dance?
Relax!
Say, how about doing that
dance for us now, baby?
Sure. Turn on the music.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
Wait a minute, honey. You can't
dance in that straitjacket.
Go on in there
and put something on.
Leave it to me, I'll fix her up.
Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
(GIGGLING) You mean put
something on or put something on?
Use your own judgment.
MAN 1: Just make it
easy on the eyes.
I'm back again.
Now don't you all peek.
So she says to me, "I'll be in 346.
Don't forget, dearie.
Say, what kind of a place is this?
What's that?
Some of those dames over there
had me in the corner over there.
Don't worry, they won't feel
that way in the morning.
Get them up at 6:00,
good tough exercise.
We sweat those
ideas out of them.
Boy, you said it.
Anyhow, there ain't
anything a cold shower
won't take care of.
(ALL LAUGHING)
What's the matter, partner? Don,
they haven't gone to bed yet.
The men, they're having
a party all over the place.
Well, it's their
first night, Barbie.
Give them a chance
to settle down.
But Don, please come and help me.
It's Sally.
Probably having a little fun. Anyway,
lights will be out in a few minutes,
so why don't you run
along and get some rest?
You don't even
know what's going on.
You've been so busy taking bows,
the great Don Jackson, and
listening to Jean's compliments.
Now stop it, Barbie.
This is a partnership,
and Jean's been pretty darn swell.
Just try to remember that.
Thanks, I will.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
(MEN CHEERING)
What's the matter? Is this
party strictly private?
MAN 1: No, come on in. We
were waiting for you. Sure.
Say, you're one of the
bosses here, aren't you?
Yeah, and part of my job
is making my guests happy.
What's the idea of the undress act, kid?
Getting set for a fan dance?
Well, I was just... Well, he
was gonna put me in a show.
Show, huh? Well,
it's past your bedtime
and your cradle's crying
for you.
Find your own brassiere
and toddle home.
MAN 1: (CHUCKLES)
Just try and find one.
(ALL LAUGHING) Hey, wait a minute.
Sally is my guest.
Smart guy. What do you wanna
do, get yourself into trouble
with the Children's Aid?
If it's talent you're
looking for... Come on.
No, I don't wanna go home.
Wait a minute.
What's the idea of
dragging her away?
Don't you think she's a little
young for this sort of thing?
Don't be silly.
She's old enough
and she's smart enough.
Are you old enough? Yeah.
All right then, you show something.
Do something.
Wait till I get this kid home,
then I'll put on a show
for you that is a show.
No. You might get lost
and not find your way back.
Now, now, now.
Okay. You folks ever
see a real rumba?
You mean we'd rumba...
Boy, you said it. Watch.
Hey! You can't do that to me!
(CRYING)
Can she twist them.
I'm only warm, boy.
Wait till I boil.
MAN 1: (CHUCKLES) Tip top, baby.
Boil 'em on both sides.
Fire up the engine, baby.
Shovel in the coal.
Okay, but watch out for
the cinder in your eye.
It's all right. There won't be
anything worth seeing after this.
(ALL CHATTERING)
Keep it on staff night.
Pardon me, gentlemen.
Don't you know the rules?
MAN 2: What rules?
Lights out at 10:00.
MAN 3: A couple of
house detectives, eh?
Now, wait a minute, baby.
We're just getting acquainted.
Hey, Joey, what do we care about rules?
I'll turn them on.
No, wait. Leave them off.
I like it that way.
Okay.
Come on, baby, let's finish that dance.
Looked pretty good to me.
WOMAN: Come on.
Say, Jackson, there's some pretty
rough stuff going on out there.
What are they doing?
They've got lots of liquor
and some of the girls,
and I saw Sally and Barbara
in a pretty tough spot.
Say, listen, fellas.
Some of the guests
got the wrong slat
on Health Acres.
Let's put them right.
Okay! ALL: Come on!
(ALL EXCLAIM)
(MEN SHOUTING)
All right, baby! Come on, baby!
Come on! ALL: Come on!
Come on, come on. Come on,
let's see what you got.
(ALL CHATTERING)
JOE: What's the idea?
Don't you even knock?
I'm sorry, Barbie.
Get me out of here, will you?
Hey, don't we get any
privacy in our own room?
Boys, I think it's this
gentleman's bedtime.
I'll go to bed when I get ready.
You're ready right now.
I think I'll throw you out.
That's what I'll do.
You put me away, will you?
Good night.
Danny! Help, somebody.
Healy, they're killing me!
Get up, get up.
Have I missed anything?
No, you're just in
time to get everything.
Give him the works, fellas.
I protest.
I shall speak to
Mr. Healy about this!
How about a drink?
You want a drink? Yeah.
Give him a drink.
(MEN CHATTERING)
No, no! Cut it out. No. Cut it out.
Cut it out.
He wants a drink.
MAN 2: Cut it out.
ALL: He's hot. He wants a drink.
(ALL WHOOPING)
(MEN LAUGHING)
Hey, Jackson. What's the idea
of all this strong-arm stuff?
Yeah, what's the idea of all this...
Quiet.
You can't treat our guests like
a bunch of bohunks in a boxcar.
No, you can't treat
our guests like...
Just keep still.
I'm sorry you don't like it.
I didn't expect you to.
But I'm gonna run
this place as I see fit.
Now, look here... Quiet.
Boys, you know rule number 13?
ALL: Lights out and to bed.
MAN 1: Well, let it go...
MAN 2: Guess they're in bed.
MAN 3: That was easy.
MAN 4: Good night, Don.
MAN 5: Good night. So long.
Hello. Hello.
Aren't you setting a bad
example for our guests?
Don't you think
you should be in bed?
I would be, if rules meant
anything around here.
Everyone seems to have ignored them.
You included.
Please, Barbie.
As an officer of
this corporation,
I have as much right as you have
to sit out here among
the ruins and look plum.
Things are something
of a mess, aren't they?
Hopeless.
But we'll get it all
straightened out in the morning.
I'm afraid not.
There's only one solution.
What's that?
When partnerships don't work
out, they dissolve, that's all.
(SNIFFLING) So we must dissolve.
I'm leaving in the morning.
Don't say that, darling.
You're not leaving, and
we're not going to dissolve.
We're partners.
And we've got to see
this thing through.
That's just the trouble.
There are too many partners.
I guess Jean can take
my place all right.
Nobody's ever gonna take your place, Barbie.
Jean's been a help,
but the idea, everything
that counts, is yours.
Money in the bank!
Where is it now?
This Jackson guy is ruining everything.
Why don't you do something?
Quit beefing.
Tell you, we'll call a meeting in
the morning and vote the stock.
Yours and mine against his,
and then with Jean's...
Well, I ain't so sure that Jean
will vote her stock with us,
not the way she's been blowing
around with this Jackson guy.
You're not sure, huh?
Don't open that window. I
don't want any cold air on me.
Health and exercise, huh?
So you don't think
Jean will vote with us?
Well, come here and bat your big,
beautiful Irish eyes at that.
Room 209.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello. Hello, Jean?
Tell her to come over
and bring a friend.
Can you come over here and bring a friend...
Will you shut up?
I never thought you'd let
anybody give you the runaround.
Surely I'm not losing
my allure. Tell me all.
Well, can you see the
stadium from your room?
Well, look out there, dear, and
learn how to lisp in the moonlight.
No, lisp. Hold the wire.
Boy, did I tell her.
And will she burn up.
She gonna bring a friend?
Will you go to bed?
I don't want ever to
do anything without you.
We're partners for life.
Whether you like it or not.
Are you sure, Don? Or is
it just the moonlight?
I'm sure.
I just brought the moonlight
along for a witness.
Hello, Ducky.
Yes. And when I get my eight
hours sleep, will I tear my hair.
Is that a break for us
or is that a break for us?
That is the best thing
that could have happened...
Will you get out of here?
This is my bed. This is mine!
How did I know?
And that's my robe.
You got me so nervous,
I'm hysterical.
(BUGLE BLOWING)
Now girls, I want every guest
out in that field at 6:30.
I don't care how
you get them there,
you can throw them out, carry
them out or drag them out,
but your orders are deliver
the body, dead or alive.
My word,
another sleeping beauty.
(SIGHING)
Come on, Nita.
6:30.
Two minutes to get out of here.
6:30?
I didn't come down here
to deliver the milk.
You came down here for
exercise, didn't you?
Yeah. But you don't
have to sneak up
on exercise in the dark, do you?
The sun's been up an hour.
When did that happen? I always
thought it rose at noon.
Not around here, it doesn't.
You signed an agreement,
didn't you?
Yeah, but I sign things so easy.
Well, come on.
Ease out of that bed.
Come on now. Out.
Only over my dead body.
Dead or alive, orders
are to deliver the body.
Grab an end, Nita.
It's grabbed. Hey!
It's flesh.
It moved.
It's a body!
Say, what's the idea?
6:30, sir. Morning
exercise in 15 minutes.
I didn't come here
for no exercise.
No? Then why did you come?
Well, I thought it a
good idea at the time.
But that time wasn't 6:30.
As long as you're here, it's
still got to be a good idea.
Hey. There ain't nobody gonna
separate me from my bed.
Then we'll separate
this bed from you.
(SNORING)
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello? Wait a minute, I'll let
you talk to Healy. Dan. Dan!
What? What?
Hello?
Listen, everything
is gonna be all right.
It's all gonna be Jake.
Go on back to bed and relax.
No, no, no, no.
Don't take anything. Relax!
Can you imagine those mugs?
(MEN CHATTERING) Hey.
Hey!
DAN: Hey, wait a second.
Hey, look at this guy!
(ALL ARGUING)
Hey, what is this?
Who made rules?
Don't you know we own
half of this joint?
We didn't make any such rules.
Mr. Jackson made them,
sir, and there they are.
Jackson, huh? I'll show you.
I'll get him
on the phone. I'll
show you what rules.
Get Jackson on
the phone right now.
Who you following?
Hello. Give me Mr. Jackson.
Well, send a boy up and get him.
Tell him to come
right over to my room.
Call a meeting right away.
What do you think I'm doing?
And get me room 209.
What are you looking at?
Hello, Jean?
Slip something on and come right over
to my room, we're calling a meeting.
And bring that stock
letter with you.
Yeah, I guess that
shows you guys.
Yeah, I guess that
shows you guys.
Put on your athletic suits.
What suits?
Why, we didn't bring
any athletic suits.
We ain't even
got athletics foot.
We'll soon get you some suits.
MAN 1: Right. Come on, Ted.
But I tell you, I'm on
my way to a meeting.
And I tell you you're on your
way to the exercise field.
And let's hear you whistle.
I don't even whistle when I feel good.
Come on.
The only way you'll get me to
an exercise field is to drag me.
Then we'll drag you.
Come on, bodies.
WOMAN 1: Come on, get her.
WOMAN 2:
She won't take her exercise.
WOMAN 3: Come on.
And whistle!
(WOMEN WHISTLING)
Rule number 3: Whistle gaily.
(WHISTLING)
(WHISTLING)
(ALL WHISTLING)
(GRUMBLING)
You guys will hear about this
just as soon as we see Jackson.
Just as soon as... Shut up.
You're on your way
to see him right now.
Come on. Whistle gaily.
(ALL WHISTLING)
You don't sound so gay.
I can't whistle.
Well, sing, then. I can't sing.
Sing.
(HUMMING)
Instructors will
now demonstrate.
Two paces forward.
Hut! Hut, two, three. Ready?
Exercise! One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, halt.
One step backward. March!
Yes. Exercise. Ready. Exercise.
One, two, three, four.
(MEN WHISTLING)
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, halt!
WOMEN: Come on, young lady.
If you think we're going through
that funny stuff, you're crazy!
Yeah. I'm cold.
I'm going back to bed.
MAN: Stay there. Get back there.
I'm sorry, but the rules say
all the guests must exercise.
Well, we'll change the rules.
We'll change the management, too.
Here's Jean.
We'll change the rules
and the management.
Hey, Jean! Are you willing to vote
your 10% of the stock with ours?
I certainly am, early and often.
Why, Jean, I thought that you...
Well, you thought
down the wrong alley.
So you see, you're no
longer running this place.
Her stock with
ours votes you out.
I beg your pardon. Miss Strange
hasn't any stock in the company.
I sure have. Have you
got that agreement?
If you read that letter, you'll
find you have 10% in the farm.
Not in the company.
LARRY: It's in the whole works.
Oh, no, it isn't. I thought of
that when I drew up the agreement.
And the company has control
of all the policies.
Why, the dirty crooks.
It ain't legal!
Ask Dr. Rankin.
What does he know about it?
He's only a psalm singer.
Did you call me?
You keep out of this, Rankin.
This is a legal matter.
Exactly. That's why the
Department of Justice
had me join your
happy little group.
The Department of Justice?
Ain't you a preacher?
No. But I can give you a
little sermon just the same.
Take Mr. Jackson's
advice hereafter.
Both here and on the magazine.
Okay, kids. What they
need's a little exercise
for that rundown feeling.
Snap into it.
(MEN SHOUTING)
Thanks, partner.
Yes, we'll now exercise.
Ready? Exercise.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
And I left a good
job in Evanston.
For this?
Quiet, will you? I'm thinking.
Bend, brother. Bend.
Yeah, stay with it, boys.
Maybe someday you two can
do an acrobatic horse act.
Healy, you can
play the horse's head.
I got it! I got a great idea!
(MOANING)
There's a million bucks in it.
Are you listening, Dan?
Am I listening?
I'm all ears.
Hemingway, my coat.
My hat, Hemingway.
My cane and gloves.
What cane and gloves?
Well, I had a cane and
gloves when I came in here.
What a memory!
Never mind. Give me my wallet.
(BELL RINGING)
Hey, you're 30 bucks light.
I had 250 smacks when
I came into this deadfall.
We'll take it up
with the management.
What a joint.
When it comes to
getting your dough back,
this place is almost
as bad as a bank.
Sure, I know.
There's crooks in here.
So long, Jack.
You've been regular.
So long, Larry. See you again.
(WOMEN CHATTERING)
Well, well, well, if it isn't
the belle of the big house.
You haven't changed a bit, Jean.
Still the same swell number.
Lay off that number stuff. You'll
never make a number out of me again.
Still the same quick comeback.
Yeah, and the same
slick come-on.
And speaking of come-on,
about that oil deal.
Forget it.
That's last week's wash.
Maybe. But it hasn't
been ironed out yet.
Why didn't you tell me there
was no oil in those oil wells?
I didn't know there was
no oil in those oil wells.
But you knew
there were no oil wells.
Now wait a minute.
I can explain that.
You can't explain away
two years in the can.
For 18 months
I've been sitting on my...
Where do you think I spent the winter?
Florida?
Come on, let's forget
it and start over.
I'm starting over,
all right, but alone.
So far as you're concerned,
I'm through and went.
Wait a minute.
I've got a cab here.
No thank you, brother. You'll
never take me for another ride.
Hey, I've been looking
all over for you.
Was I having a good time.
Up to now.
I got a great idea, listen.
I tell you, we're all washed up.
I wouldn't vote with you
in the same election.
Won't you even read what
it says in the paper?
(IN FOREIGN ACCENT)
No speak no English.
Won't you please listen to me?
This is so honest,
it's disgusting.
What's the most sought-after
thing in the country today?
A medium-priced giraffe.
Stop gagging, will you?
I tell you this
is on the dead level.
Even a banker would loan
you money just on the idea.
Then handle it yourself, and
when they catch up with you,
I'll bake you a cake
with a file in it.
Yes, ma'am. Should I
make up your section now?
Yes. Yes.
Both?
Both. Lower.
Both.
(TRAIN WHISTLING)
Both.
JEAN: I was a good girl
until I met you.
LARRY: You are still
a nice girl, honey.
I wish I was back in Evanston.
Forget Evanston and listen
to my idea, will you?
All right.
What's all the patter?
Here. Take a look at that.
That's where we start.
Los Angeles,
at the Olympic Games.
Why? You going in
for hammer throwing?
All the countries of the world
send their best physical specimens,
then we step in
and take our pick.
Pick of what?
No pockets in running
suits, are there?
From now on, sister,
we're selling what
the world's crying for.
Health and beauty.
Wait a minute. I'll
tell you all about it.
My, my, my, what
pink toes you've got.
(SCREAMS)
Tell me from up there, Ducky.
(BAND PLAYING)
(PEOPLE CLAPPING)
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
MAN ON PA: Next entrant in the
women's high platform diving event,
Miss Barbara Hilton
of Great Britain.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Look at that Hilton gal.
Ain't she a honey?
Mmm-hmm.
You could pasture peas on her.
(PEOPLE CLAPPING)
MAN ON PA:
Your attention, please.
Announcing the winners of the
women's high-diving event.
First place,
Miss Barbara Hilton
of Great Britain.
(PEOPLE CLAPPING)
Nice work, Britannia. If it couldn't be
America, I'm certainly glad it was you.
Thanks a lot.
Your attention, please.
Next event, 400 meters,
freestyle, for men.
Lots of luck right
back at you, America.
If it can't be England,
I hope it's you.
Thanks. That's
a hope that helps.
That's the girl
for us, all right.
MAN ON PA: And in lane number
six, Don Jackson, United States.
That Jackson kid
looks pretty good.
(EXCLAIMS) Baby,
you can come to Mama!
Swimmers and judges ready.
Swimmers to your marks.
(GUN FIRES)
Come on! ALL: Come on!
MAN 1: Hey! MAN 2: Hey!
Can he swim.
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
Hey! Hey!
Great race, Don! Thank you.
Say something on
the mike, will you?
Yeah.
Don Jackson, folks, winner
of the 400-meter freestyle.
Meter's a cinch.
I'm sure, beaucoup.
I'm glad that I won.
I take the opportunity at this
time to congratulate my opponents
for their fine display
of sportsmanship.
Most of all, I'd
like to say something
to you people sitting
up there in the sun.
Come on down here and
do things like this,
like they're doing
over there in the stadium.
Don't just clap your
hands for exercise,
but get off your
feet and get on them.
Come on down here and exercise.
Exercise and get healthy.
Exercise is for everybody.
Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you, Don.
Did you get
a load of that spiel?
He's bowling them
right up our alley.
You go after the girl,
I'll get Jackson.
(SCREAMS)
What's the big idea, you goof?
Imagine those guys, just
a bunch of cheap grifters.
Trying to cash in
on the kid's name.
That's right. You gotta be
careful of those phonies.
I'll say you have.
Some race, boy. You
sure used your head.
Thanks, Mac.
Head, yes, but a head made
clear by a healthy body.
A body made fit by right living,
right eating, right exercise.
Don, this is Mr. Williams
I was telling you about.
How do you do, Mr. Williams?
Congratulations, Jackson.
Thanks. Funny, but what you just
said is just like an article I had
in the paper this morning.
That so?
Then I'm dead certain
you're just the man I need.
The man to edit my
Health and Exercise magazine.
Mac told me about your idea,
but to handle a job like that calls
for more experience than I've had.
Thanks anyway.
(EXCLAIMS)
Well, have you thought it over?
BARBARA: Yes, but I'm
afraid I couldn't tackle it.
I'd be out of my element.
That's very disappointing.
We were so anxious to have the
right kind of girl handling it.
That's why I came to you.
You wouldn't have to shoulder
all the responsibilities.
You would have help, of course.
Your partner. Partner?
Yes. You chosen anybody yet?
We were figuring on Don Jackson.
Don Jackson!
This was Mr. Peck's office.
It hasn't been
used for some time.
And this is the photograph gallery.
I'll open it up for you.
Okay. We'll be right here.
All this joint needs is a horsehair
sofa and a horsehair sofa.
That's all right.
We'll fix it up.
Throw out all this junk and
get some real classy stuff.
You know, carpets
so thick you can sink
your feet in them
up to your knees.
And your bankroll
up to the rubber band.
Where's the what-it-takes
coming from?
Dan Healy.
That guy's got one-way
pockets lined with fishhooks.
Don't worry. He'll cough.
Didn't he get all his dough out
of the deal we took the rap for?
He'll split.
Come in.
Hello, Dan. Well,
I'm glad to see you.
How are you? Well, hello, Larry.
I'm certainly glad to see you.
(CHUCKLES) You remember Jean?
Sure.
Jean, it's a treat to see you.
Yeah? Then it's a Dutch treat.
What are you sore at me for?
Why, Danny, I'm not sore at you.
Why should I be?
I just adored going
to jail for you.
Got any more stretches
you want me to do?
You never went to jail for me.
I just happened
to be out of town
when the jam came, that's all.
I just happened
to miss the train.
You're always missing trains
just before the payoff.
Funny how rich a guy
can get missing trains.
I ain't rich.
And I was happier when I was poor
and selling rheumatism rings.
So was I. Wait a minute.
Why don't you two
try to get along?
Hey, Larry. What's the
idea of meeting here?
Dan, did you ever
hear of Milo Peck? No.
Yes, of course you did.
You must have.
Hey, look. There he is.
The big, exercising muscleman.
You know, big-bicep-conscious
and all that sort of hooey.
Well, about two months
ago, our man Peck kicks off
and this joint's for sale. And
I've got an in on it so cheap,
it'll make you snicker.
I don't snicker easy. How much?
50 grand.
(CHUCKLES) Why, for
you, just petty cash,
and listen, Dan,
it's on the up-and-up.
Why, we can spit in the cops'
eyes while we're working it.
Well, how are you
in on it, then?
Well, while I was incarcerated...
In what?
In jail.
I had a little time on my
hands, so I read his magazine.
Old man Peck had a line.
"Exercise and be healthy."
That was the string.
But here's the kite
he collected on.
Look at those pictures, boy.
Sex. That's what old man
Peck took to the market.
And that's what
sold the magazine.
I remember this guy.
We used to advertise
our rheumatism
rings in this sheet.
There you are.
Why, the advertisements
alone are worth
a million dollars.
It's raining soup, boy. Throw
away your fork and get a spoon.
Well, if this health
racket is so hot,
why didn't Peck make
a lot of heavy dough?
Because you didn't
leave any to be made.
Because he was old-fashioned.
He didn't live up to the times.
He was still living in the days
when stockings were
considered underwear.
Yes, and men were men,
and took their own raps.
Why, just look at these chromos.
No wonder the old
boy never cashed in.
Can you imagine trying to
sell a load of that nowadays?
Look at that one on the end.
I'll bet she's got rheumatism.
Look at that puss.
Hey, look, you say
this is on the up-and-up?
Well, I don't want to
spit in no cop's eye.
If you're hooked up with this,
there's some kind of a gazype in it.
Now what is it? There is, Dan.
I'll be honest with you.
And here it is.
Health Acres. A hotel
and a few acres of ground.
Maybe there's oil on it.
The old chump used it to work
out some of his exercise gags.
And here's where he dropped all the
dough that he made on the magazine.
All right. I got a great idea.
What?
Don't buy the hotel.
It goes with the deal,
but that's nothing.
We can afford to let it lay
there and go jungle on it.
The magazine will
pay for the farm
a hundred times.
There's millions in it.
Make it billions. I'll
lend you a few zeroes.
It's a natural.
Don't you think so, Dan?
No, I don't, and I'll tell you why.
I got nothing against sex.
Either you got it, or
you go looking for it.
But what would you and Jean
be doing editing a magazine?
Wasn't I the society
editor of the prison paper?
That's the point. You two
have just got out of...
Yeah, and did I learn
about exercise there.
I see your point, Dan.
But supposing I could
get a class front,
a couple of Olympic champions,
like Don Jackson
and Barbara Hilton.
Well, certainly it'd be something
to talk about, but what's the use?
Them youngsters stand for things
on the level, on the up-and-up.
What would they be doing
with a couple of...
Say it and see me squirm.
Well, anyway, you can't
get them, that's all.
I can't, eh? They wouldn't
even come near you.
They wouldn't, eh?
You know they wouldn't.
Come right in, Miss Hilton.
Miss Barbara Hilton,
Mr. Don Jackson,
the editors of
Health and Exercise.
How do you do? How do you do?
This is Mr. Healy,
our publisher.
Why, how do you do, Mr. Healy?
I'm glad to know you, sir.
And this is Miss Sally Palmer,
my cousin.
Pleased to meet you, Mr. Healy.
Pleased to meet you.
Mr. Healy, our publisher.
And now if you'll come with me,
I'll show you to your office.
Bye, Mr. Healy.
Yeah, I'm sure.
Well, Dan,
are you our publisher?
That cousin, that blonde?
She's your secretary.
I'm your publisher.
Now then, Sally.
I think I'll call you Sally for short.
This way to your department.
SALLY: Thanks.
(BLOWING)
I don't think I'm going
to like this much.
Why not?
Because I can't see you.
I can see you.
That's funny. I can't see you.
There. Hello.
Hello. Better? Much.
Gee, this is going to be fun.
We'll get these desks turned around.
Get this place all fixed up.
And then for some hard work.
Mind if I send you
flowers for your desk?
Now and then?
All right. Now and then.
We'll have to take turns,
you know.
Turnabout is fair play.
That's right, fair play.
Together?
Mmm-hmm.
Together.
Nice work, Mr. Editor.
Got all of those things?
She sure has.
She is lovely, isn't she?
A honey. And can she swim!
But you saw her.
What a figure.
What a figure.
You're not so bad yourself.
Yes, I am.
I'm putting what I don't want
on places that don't need it.
This magazine will tell
you how to take it off.
Are you pretty solid?
I don't know. Am I?
Well...
Bit of a bulge here.
We'll rub that off for you.
A couple of too
many inches here.
Sorry, Don. Yeah.
Mr. Williams wants to see you.
Thank you.
He's a grand boy. I like him.
We're glad you do. Frightfully.
LARRY: Come right in, Don. What
did I tell you? Can he take it?
We got a great idea.
This is the idea on the floor.
This is our editor, Mr. Jackson.
This is Adolf Knockler.
How do you do?
Talks and everything.
We're going to put him
in the window downstairs.
What for? We're gonna
break granite slabs
on his stomach
with a sledgehammer.
The first day, 200 pounds.
That's nothing.
And the last day,
we're gonna rope off
the street and run
a truck over him.
Yeah. Yeah.
What's the gag?
He's got a hard stomach.
Sure, look. Come on, get up.
Let him hit you.
Yeah, go on. Hit him.
Yeah, hit me. Hit me.
Why should I? Don't you get it?
Knockler here takes the
exercises that we recommend.
Now he's able to let a truck run
over his stomach. It's a great stunt.
Now listen, fellas. Promotion
and a bit of hoopla is all right.
But this is a cheap
and cheesy stunt.
Why, he's never taken
any of our exercises,
and publicity
like that isn't going
to do us any good
in the long run.
We've got no time for long runs.
What we want is
quick circulation.
Taking a guy out and
running a truck over him.
It's an open and shut fake.
Fake? Who's a fake?
Hit me. Hit me!
Go on.
I show you. Hit me! Hit me!
(SCREAMS)
(COUGHING) Come on, out.
Out, Adolf, out.
There you are.
You can't even keep a strongman
strong with that Jackson guy around.
He crabs everything we do.
The Boy Scout stunt,
the strip act in the park.
Don't I know it?
We'll never get anywhere until
we get that guy out of our hair.
What does he think
we're running?
A magazine for campfire girls?
I got a good mind to...
Don't shake your finger
at me, it wasn't my idea.
How's that look, Arnold?
Yeah, that looks like something.
Now.
Hello.
What is this? Old home
week in the harem?
We're making
a composite picture.
We're putting these and those
together and producing that.
We're taking the best
things these gals
have got and doing
tricks with them.
A Larry Williams production?
ARNOLD: It's his idea.
And remember, it's my dough
that guy's kicking around.
I know it's your money,
but keep your hair braided.
I'm gonna run this
place the way I wanna.
All right, all right.
(INTERCOM BUZZES)
Yeah? DON: Williams?
Yeah.
Come over to the
studio, will ya?
All right.
Jackson? Our editor.
So it's another
Williams idea, huh?
He takes the credit for it. Somebody
probably thought of it first.
What is this idea about
a composite picture?
LARRY: Well, it's a great gag.
Building up the ideal for our
slogan, "Have a body beautiful.
Yeah, the way we figure, no dame in
the world has got the best everything.
One's got the best legs.
Hello, Amy.
Another one's got the best hair.
Hi, Helen.
Hello.
LARRY: You see, we're using Geri's
eyes, Mary's nose, Hazel's neck...
And Roena's back.
Hi, Roena.
Hello, Danny.
And right on down the line to...
What's your name?
Go on, I know that gag.
Yeah, we're using Fanny's feet.
Show him the puppies, Fanny.
So you're gonna put them
all together in a picture?
Sure, that's a cinch for Honey.
Why do you fellas always have
to do things the fakey way?
Instead of building up an ideal
girl like a jigsaw puzzle,
why don't you really
find an ideal girl?
And a man too, for that matter.
DAN: What do you mean, "Find"?
A contest!
I get it. We open
up the whole town
and give a prize
for the Body Beautiful.
Not just beautiful,
but healthy, fit.
And not only here,
but all over the country.
All over the world!
And Brooklyn.
Do you get it? A universal
contest for the Body Beautiful,
sponsored by
Health and Exercise.
Swell. A contest is
great for circulation.
And has the kid got a
brain as well as a body?
Why didn't you think of that?
Quiet.
We use their pictures
in every issue.
Hold them up as models
for our readers.
But first we bring them
here for the final judging.
Let the people see the
real thing, not just pictures.
And I'll be the judge. Quiet.
Go to work on that. Boy, is this something.
It's colossal!
It's better than that.
It's positively mediocre.
Listen, this thing will bring
us the best bunch of beauty
that was ever corralled in
one town. Beauty and health.
Yeah, but they gotta eat
if they want to stay healthy,
and who's gonna pay
for the hand grains?
It's a natural! We put
them up in the best hotel.
What? For nothing. Don't you get it?
For publicity.
We'll make them
endorse everything
from baby clothes to bathtubs.
And we'll endorse the gravy.
Yeah, but look, there
ain't gonna be no gravy
with this Jackson kid around.
He won't stand for another
of them trick tie-ups.
That guy wouldn't endorse
compound interest.
But he's not gonna be around.
What?
We'll send him away to manage the
contest and keep him off our toes.
Send him away... Who else?
He's the editor, isn't he?
And while he's gone... Boy!
We'll get some sleep. We'll get...
We will not. We'll go to work.
We'll get out a real magazine.
Hot? Hot! You could
fry an egg on it.
Love stories. And confessions.
Peck, old boy. Hide your eyes.
It would break your heart
to see what's gonna happen.
Did you ride here on that?
I beg your pardon.
I say, did you
ride here on that?
All the way from Edinburgh.
She's from the bonny
braes of Scotland.
I can see now
why they're bonnie.
(CHUCKLES) Yes.
Over yonder, there's the
winner from South Africa.
That dark-haired boy there? Yes.
MAN: Hello, Tidbury.
Hello, boys.
DON: It's a nice layout
you have here, Tapley.
All these young
men and women, Don,
have been chosen
as best representing
the youth of the British Empire.
Well, the Committee certainly
did a good job of it.
Now if you have your contestants
sign these contracts,
Tapley, while I...
Hold on. I don't want
you to misunderstand us.
We all know you
and you're all right.
But this magazine. Now, we're
all going a long way from home...
Don't worry. I'm personally responsible
for your contestants, Tapley,
and you can count on
me 100% in everything.
(ALL CHATTERING) That's
all right with me.
ARNOLD: Hurry up.
Up. Up!
Take them up.
Up. Up. Take them up.
LARRY: Up, up, up, up she goes.
That's the answer to everything.
Circulation, readers.
Why, we couldn't have
bought typewriter ribbons
with that skimmed milk
we were dishing out.
Now we're pouring cream
and they're lapping it up.
This is cream, is it?
Vicious stories written
by morons for halfwits.
"I Loved An Artist." "I Was
Just 16." "Moon Madness."
And my name goes on this
reeking rut as an editor.
My dear young lady, there can be no
virtue without a knowledge of vice.
You don't know a stove is hot
until you touch it, do you?
These stories all point a moral.
Yes, just enough moral to
sneak them through the mails.
Young lady, please remember,
these stories are passed on
by a board of
the highest standard.
A preacher, a teacher, and a
Park Avenue society dame... Lady.
Yes, I know. The kind that
endorses cold cream she never uses
and mattresses
she's never slept on.
All right. You have a vote in the
editorial policy. Why not use it?
Very well, I will.
Call a meeting.
Good.
Then we pass "I Was Just
16" and "Moon Madness."
Now for "I Loved An Artist."
Will you give us your
report, Miss Pettigrew?
Briefly, a young girl
comes to New York
and meets a poet
in Greenwich Village.
Those poets. What thrilling
love lives they lead.
Just leaping from one
bed of flowers to another.
Sipping honey here,
nectar there.
PETTIGREW: He is experienced in
the wiles and guiles of love.
She is caught in a
whirl of Bohemian life.
Inhibitions go. Poof!
She finally succumbs
to the charm of an artist.
She what? Succumbs, you dope.
Huh? She quits stalling.
Oh!
And then...
Now let me tell about that.
The scene in the studio
is entrancingly described.
How the dark mysterious painter
poses her on a bearskin rug.
Where does the health
and exercise come in?
The exercise comes later.
Go on with the story.
Just as a former sweetheart
of the artist enters...
It's so dramatic, the
two women fighting
for the affection of the
dark, mysterious painter.
But I still don't see what this
has to do with health and exercise.
Well, we'll hear
from Dr. Rankin.
Don't you think
it points a moral?
Rather diluted, I thought.
About 1% moral and 99% sex.
There's nothing wrong
with sex, brother Rankin.
As long as it leads
to what it leads to.
Well, shall we vote?
All in favor say aye.
Aye! Aye!
And those opposed.
No! No!
The "ayes" have it. We
pass "I Loved An Artist."
Well, I hope so.
Meeting's adjourned.
Keep up the good work, my child.
It all seems so hopeless.
Why you, a minister,
sitting on the committee
and dealing with all this muck?
It may seem strange,
but I'm in a position to be more
helpful to you and the magazine
on the committee than off.
But I still don't see.
Never mind, my child. You will.
Boy! Is this high, wide and hot!
"I Loved An Artist."
They used to arrest you for
just thinking stuff like that.
They must have printed
it in a refrigerator.
Why? So they could handle it.
I sure wish I could meet a guy
like that dark,
mysterious artist.
What makes you think you'd
go so good on a bearskin rug?
Say...
Of course she gets a
bill for it in the end.
Bill baloney. That "paying
the price" stuff is the bunk.
They just put that in
to make the yarn moral.
I bet that dame is
living on Park Avenue.
Driving an imported oil can,
splashing mud in the faces
of pure working girls.
If I ever get a chance...
Me too.
And I don't care what his
past was or his future is.
As long as he has a present.
Sally, don't you think you'd
better get back on the job?
SALLY: Well, my lunch
hour isn't up yet.
I just had to wire you, Don.
There was nothing else to do.
I'm glad you did. I shouldn't
have gone away in the first place.
You see, it isn't only
Sally, but girls like her,
thousands of them all over
the country reading that junk.
And thinking we recommend it!
So that's their racket.
And they roped us into
this just to use our names.
Well, what are we
going to do about it?
Fight them. If they think they've
got a couple of dummy editors,
they're crazy. I'll show them.
You mean, we'll show them?
That's right. We'll show them.
You and I together.
Together.
MAN: Eggs ain't
on my diet, though.
I can't eat anything
with Albanians in it.
SALLY: You mean albinos.
DAN: Come on now, hold the pose.
Now we all set? Paula,
get rid of the...
Well, when did you get back?
Never mind that.
What's all this?
This is a true-life picture
for a true-life story.
Passion Slave, it's called.
What are you doing here, Sally?
Mr. Healy says I'm
battling for my honor.
(GIGGLING) That's all I know.
Get out.
Well, what's the matter, don't
you think it's a swell setup?
Darn near perfect.
(CRASHING)
You took advantage of my absence to
turn this magazine into a cheap rag.
You publish a lot of dirty stories
under my name and Barbara's.
Now, my boy, you're taking
this thing too seriously.
Not seriously enough so far.
But from now on, things
are going to be different.
Maybe you'll change your mind when I
tell you we've tripled the circulation
on these stories. Look.
And your cut's 10%.
There's more to a
magazine than circulation.
Yes, and there's
more to your blood
than circulation, but
try to do without it.
Without circulation, how
are you going to get ads?
And that's another thing.
Can't we get along without selling
space to a lot of quacks and fakers?
Look at this junk.
What's the difference, as long
as they lay it on the line?
A lot of difference. You're not
gonna print any more of this stuff.
Not and use my name.
Forget your name for a
minute and think of my dough.
Yes, don't forget,
he's your publisher.
Yeah, don't forget, I'm your...
Quiet.
If it wasn't for him, there
wouldn't be any magazine.
If it wasn't for me... Quiet.
Don't you think
he's got a right to...
Don't you think I've got a right to...
Shut up.
Now listen, you two,
get this straight.
As long as I'm editor
of this magazine,
it will be run the
way I want it run.
And nothing goes in
it without my okay.
And that's final.
Another of your good ideas.
You never had one yet
that didn't sneak up
behind you and
bite you in the...
And bite you.
Well, what are we gonna do now?
Throw him off the magazine.
Get rid of him. Fire him.
We can't.
Why not?
I gave him
a three-year contract.
What for?
So nobody else would
get him away from us.
Do me a favor, will you?
What?
Go out and find a chiropodist
and have your head examined.
What are you looking for?
My hat.
Where you going?
To find a chiropodist
and have my head examined.
(WAILING)
What the...
Healy! Look! I know, the gazype.
No, no, Health Acres,
and I got a great idea.
Save it. It's gonna
be a tough winter.
No, no. You'll love this one.
That has a familiar ring,
and I don't mean rheumatism.
Come here.
Hello, Jackson? DON: Yeah?
Listen, you're a nice
young kid and I like you.
Come in here. I'm gonna make
you independent for life.
Healy, you'll
Kiss me for this one.
It's a wonderful place, Don.
You'll like it.
Yeah, it's a wonderful place.
Quiet.
You'll have a chance to try
out some of your pet ideas.
Yeah, you'll have a chance to...
Quiet.
What's your proposition?
You give us your interest in the magazine
and we'll give you half the farm.
There you are. You give
us your interest...
Will you shut up?
Now just look what you're getting.
A hotel and a 10-acre farm.
And you know what big dough
there is in a farm nowadays.
Yeah, you know what big dough...
Thanks, fellas. But there's just
one thing wrong
with your proposition.
LARRY: What's that?
I've seen the dump.
I'll stick with the magazine.
And you don't wanna be a farmer?
No. I'd rather be an editor.
You're a salesman, huh?
You couldn't sell fresh
fish to a starving seal.
What chance did I
have after that crack
you made about the
big dough on farms?
Why didn't you sell him?
I'll sell him if he ever
gets rheumatism. I hope.
Can you imagine those shizzlers?
Trying to unload that
health farm on us
for our interest
in the magazine.
What a laugh.
How big is that farm?
Just big enough to
be a white elephant.
About 10 acres and
a good-sized hotel.
How much would
it cost to fix up?
About $10,000. Why?
Just got an idea about these boys
and girls from all over the world.
Don't forget,
they're coming here.
Yeah. Pretty tough, when you
think what they're walking into.
And I'm responsible.
It's not you.
It's Williams and that Jean.
Jean's all right.
Well, they're
partners or something.
Anyway, it's what they're gonna do with
these kids when they get them here.
Yeah.
Well, we won't let them.
We'll keep those
kids on the farm.
It's got a hotel and we
can fix it up, can't we?
Sure we can!
But what do we use for money?
Williams and Healy. They want you out.
You want money.
Make them give you the farm,
full control and $10,000.
I wonder if they're that
anxious to get rid of me.
Are you with me?
We're partners in everything.
Then we'll put it over.
Let me at that guy.
(INTERCOM BUZZES)
Hello? Williams?
LARRY: Yeah?
We've been talking it over and you're right.
We should separate.
So we'll take the farm, provided
you give us full control.
And $10,000.
Tell him I'm rolling
on the floor laughing.
Wait a minute.
Listen, it's worth 10 grand.
With that kid out of the
way, we can make a million!
Nothing's worth 10 grand in
cash, not even a million.
Yeah?
LARRY: We're not interested.
Well, it leaves us
right where we were.
Well, offer him five grand, and
that's throwing it down the sewer.
Hello, Jackson? DON: Yeah?
We'll give you five grand, and
that's throwing it down the sewer.
$10,000.
No go.
Make it six.
Hello. Six thousand.
No sale.
(WHISPERING) $7,500.
$7,500.
Nothing doing.
Well, what do you say?
Okay. Ten grand.
Jackson? Okay, $10,000.
(MOANS)
And you've murdered Healy.
All right. Draw up the papers.
Okay. 51% to you.
And full control?
And full control.
You can take it and take it.
And here's the stock. Let me be
the first to congratulate you, Don.
You got a swell proposition.
DON: Yes. We think so.
Barbara has a great idea. To turn the
farm into the health capital of the world.
A sort of maker of health, with a
staff of international health models.
Where you gonna get the models?
The contest winners.
We'll keep them
there as instructors.
Hundreds of people will be only too
pleased to learn health and exercise
from such perfect instructors.
Yeah. It's a swell ointment,
but there's a fly in it.
What? The magazine
started the contest.
And the contestants are ours.
And they ain't gonna
stay at no farm.
Well, fellas, I'm afraid
you're wrong,
for the contestants are signed
with me, not the magazine.
You made me
personally responsible.
BARBARA: Williams
insisted on that himself.
You wanted to
cash in on Don's name.
Well, you folks, why
don't you drop in sometime
and get a little
instruction yourselves?
Yeah. You do look
a little run down.
Do you realize what he's got?
Dumb luck.
That guy could fall down a sewer
and come up with a bottle
of perfume in each hand.
The Mecca of Health. My eye.
It's Monte Carlo
in your own backyard.
It's a mountain of mazuma.
And you could pick
it up with your teeth.
What I wouldn't pay myself to have one
of them honeys give me my daily dozen.
Or even half a dozen.
Well, you could
charge $200 a week.
You're selling the
American sucker short.
Certainly.
With these cuties around,
a guy that wouldn't pay $300
a week is at least an atheist.
And you two mental midgets paid
him to take it off your hands.
All right, wisecracker. We
still got 49%, haven't we?
Let's see, 200 guests at
$300 a week adds up to what?
Nothing, the way
Don will run it.
He'll give them huskies instead
of honeys to work out with
and charge them $30
a week instead of $300.
Well, Mr. Williams.
Is there anything else of mine
you'd like to donate to Mr. Jackson?
Don't worry. I'm not
through with that guy yet.
I'll get another idea.
Now listen, you two.
There's only 2% of this stock
between us and the control.
What about it?
Well, if you cross my
palm prettily, I might...
You might what?
Do something about it.
What with my girlish laughter and my
habit of lisping in the moonlight...
That's the stuff, baby!
Give him the glue.
There's a line that
runs down there
by that fence where the
corner is down there,
and around over yonder and
up by these telephone poles.
Thank you. You're welcome.
Doesn't look good
for much, does it?
Except maybe a murder mystery.
Of course, if you're gonna walk
into it with a heavy tragedy tread.
Buck up, old timer,
there's work to be done.
It'll take at least three
months to make this place
decent enough
just to camp out in.
Well now, we can't
talk it into shape.
I know.
How are you gonna get
started on a job like this?
First thing you do is take
your head out of your hands.
Then you get in touch
with a good contractor
and find out how much it will
cost to fix this place up.
You know a good contractor?
No. Don't you? Does anybody?
Remember that old song?
"People who sit on their
patios never get anywhere."
(EXCLAIMS)
DON: Jean.
Hello, folks.
Are you just mildly surprised
or merely stupefied?
We're flabbergasted.
What are you doing down here?
And is Mr. Williams with you?
(SCOFFS) Williams?
We're not speaking.
Henceforth and forever forward
little Jeanie is on her own.
You mean you've split with him?
You could chase a flock
of elephants between us.
We're just like that.
But why?
I got sick of health.
His idea of health, anyway.
You got sick of Williams' ideas
rather suddenly, didn't you?
Struck me all of an eve, dearie.
Anyhow, that's my story
and you're stuck with it.
But you still haven't told us
what brought you down here.
The same thing that brought you.
You know, I have
always had an idea
that this place
had possibilities.
Well, it may have, but you
can't see them for the weeds.
They cleared the weeds off
Times Square, didn't they?
You know, it wouldn't take much
to turn this shoestring
into a showplace.
Strange Williams didn't
have that idea himself.
What are these?
When Williams bought the
place, I had estimates made
of repairs, redecorating,
things like that.
I thought perhaps
you could use them.
Now, here's the way
the place should look.
When, as and if.
Gee, this is great.
Thanks a million, Jean.
Look, Barbie, here it
is all laid out for us.
It will save us a month's work.
What a woman! Yes.
Will you drop in on us once
in a while with a good idea?
Once in a while?
I'm camping here.
I'm gonna be right on
the job to help you out.
Now let me get this straight.
You're moving in to help us out?
JEAN: Yes.
To help us "out"
or to help us out?
To help you out. Out?
Yes?
I was looking for Miss Jean.
Well, she's not here. Is there
anything I can do for you?
Well, it's about the stadium.
This estimate is way off.
(EXHALES)
Time out for a smoke.
Where'd I put them?
Here they are. Thanks.
That's one vile habit
I just can't give up.
Well, you can have just one.
Thanks.
Certainly deserve it. Sure
are a glutton for work.
You never get tired, do you?
It's been fun.
Doing something without having to
look over your shoulder all the time.
Not very much like
working with Larry Williams.
I'm glad you gave
him the air, Jean.
He's cheap and he's tricky.
And you're too fine a girl.
Thanks for the rating.
You're not so bad yourself.
This is gonna look swell
when we get it all fixed up.
The bed's all right. Wish I
had a good book and an apple.
Wonder how this room
would look with twins.
I mean twin beds.
Which do you prefer?
Well, that all depends.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
I'm sorry to interrupt.
Come right on in.
Think you'd better come out.
We're having some
trouble with the stadium.
It's running away
over the estimate.
$3,000!
(WHISTLES)
Well, Hicks says we'll have to cut
away nearly half the side of that hill.
Then the stadium's out.
Tell Hicks to take
his men off the job.
Off the stadium? Yeah.
The old bankroll is
getting a bit anemic.
It all costs a lot
more than I expected.
But you'll get it back in spades
as soon as the customers
start barging in.
If they keep barging in. $300 a week
is a whale of a price to charge.
It's good business. People
like prices that panic them.
Gives them a whole winter's conversation.
I know, but...
Once you're set, you can
revise the ramp downward.
Don. Yes?
Do something for me?
Sure, what?
Go on with the work.
Why, Jean, I can't...
JEAN: You've got to
have that stadium.
Why, all your opening
flash is built around it!
You might as well stage
Ben Hur without the chariots.
It's a sweet thought, Jean,
but I can't take this money.
Why can't you take it?
After all, we're partners,
aren't we?
DON: I know, but...
All right, if your
conscience bothers you,
give me an interest
in the place.
I'll take a mortgage
on the old farm.
That's an idea.
What do you think
about it, Barbie?
Don, don't you realize
that you can't...
Take a letter, Barbara, giving Miss
Strange a 10% interest in the place.
Get it typed and
I'll sign it right away.
You haven't finished
that letter yet, huh?
Thank you.
Well, well. And how's the Queen
of Health Acres this fine morning?
Hello.
My dear child, what's the matter?
What's happened?
(WHINING) Everything.
He sold her some stock.
And she's planned
the whole opening.
And she's marvelous
at everything.
And I'm just keeping the books.
And last night, I asked him if he
loved me, and he said, "Of course."
Just like that, he did.
And she called him, "Darling."
I heard her asking him
if he liked twin beds.
He said, "It all depends.
I wish I was home.
I wish I never heard
of Health and Exercise.
I wish I was dead.
Nonsense, nonsense. We'll
straighten this out.
(FOGHORN BLOWING)
(BELL RINGING)
Certainly great having
you folks here, Tapley.
It's great being here, Don.
Hello, Barbie.
BARBARA: Hello, Don.
Miss Hilton, this is Miss Gill.
How do you do?
Mr. Tapley. How do you do?
And Mr. Delcambre.
It's a pleasure.
I hope you enjoy your
stay at Health Acres.
I'm sure I'll love it.
It's so nice around here.
It certainly is now!
When do we eat?
Only between meals, old timer.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Come on, let's go.
This is Miss Helen Gray of
Medicine Hat, Alberta, Canada.
How do you do, Miss Gray?
And this is Miss Gladys Willar
of Worcester, Massachusetts.
"18 years old, 54"
and 103 pounds, right?
Right.
Yes, sir. I know a
guy that would sink
three times for that
little ball of fire.
All right. You pass
the good word along,
and I'll cut up a cantaloupe
with you boys.
Fair enough, Mr. Williams.
WOMAN 1: Excuse me.
WOMAN 2: Well! Look
who's fallen among us.
We're using those boys in
an idea we're working on.
Outdoor sports
with indoor trimmings.
As far as I'm concerned,
outdoors, indoors or behind doors.
Think any of your customers
might give him a tumble?
Tumble? If they were like me,
they'd give him a double somersault.
Give me a look. Might turn a
couple of handsprings myself.
Mmm.
Haven't seen anything
like that since...
Well, just call it since.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Don't turn them so fast.
Now don't be like that,
Danny. Let me see.
Joe. Yeah?
What do you think of that?
(WHISTLES)
Could you get interested
in that one, friend?
If he says no...
(LAUGHING)
Thanks. Thanks.
(EXCLAIMS)
(ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY)
(ALL CHATTERING)
How are you? How are you?
Hello, boys. Hello, boys.
Now look here, boys, we've been
here since 11:00 this morning.
We haven't met anybody yet.
Give us a chance
to get set, will ya?
You'll meet them,
you'll meet them.
See you later, fellas.
How's it, beautiful?
Front.
Well, well, well.
How's it going?
How's everything?
Swell. It's in the bag.
Every room in the house full.
And how about the guests?
They'll be full later.
Run down, tell Haskell to come and
see me right away, will you please?
Sure I will.
Thank you. Thank you.
I've got the...
Hello.
Hello.
What are you two
mugs doing down here?
Look, right away,
he calls us mugs.
What are we doing here? Well,
we're your partners, aren't we?
Not here, you're not.
You got nothing to do
with the running of this place.
All right, let it go like that.
Then we're guests.
Sure, we're guests,
two with a bed between.
DON: You stay here, you
have to abide by the rules.
DAN: I know. No smoking
opium in the elevators.
LARRY: It's all right. We
brought our Boy Scout suits.
Hey, you're a little
bit snooty, aren't you?
Who hooked all
these fish for ya?
Yeah, who hooked all these...
Quiet.
We did. We'll get you
a lot more if you don't
let your hat run
away with your head.
Yeah, if you don't
let your hat...
Come on.
Healy. You'll have to sign
more than X on the register.
Yeah.
(PEOPLE CLAPPING)
Tonight, ladies and gentlemen,
we are inaugurating
Health Acres.
An institution dedicated to an ideal.
Health through exercise.
All the exercise
you will see here
you can do,
if you work earnestly.
And we expect you
to work earnestly.
The young men and women out
there who present our programs
will be your instructors. They were
selected in a worldwide contest,
and represent the athletic youth
of the United States
and of the British Empire.
(BAND PLAYING)
It now gives me a great deal of
pleasure to present to you first
your instructors
from California.
(TRUMPET BLOWING)
Wisconsin and Minnesota.
(TRUMPET BLOWING)
Illinois and Missouri.
(TRUMPET BLOWING)
Texas.
(TRUMPET BLOWING)
Alabama.
(TRUMPET BLOWING)
Massachusetts.
(TRUMPET BLOWING)
Canada.
(TRUMPET BLOWING)
Pennsylvania.
(TRUMPET BLOWING)
New York.
(TRUMPET BLOWING)
Australia.
(TRUMPET BLOWING)
South Africa.
(TRUMPET BLOWING)
Ireland.
(TRUMPET BLOWING)
New Zealand.
(TRUMPET BLOWING)
Scotland.
(TRUMPET BLOWING)
England.
(TRUMPET BLOWING)
(BAND PLAYING)
(PEOPLE CLAPPING)
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
That's glorious.
I've never seen...
I beg your pardon. Didn't we
meet in Paris? I doubt it.
I know where there's a party.
Well, boys, how'd
you like the show?
Great. Great.
Do I pick them, or is
this Thursday afternoon?
I'll take the little
blonde over there.
You know, I always have
a blonde with my meals.
Wait a minute. Excuse me, gents.
I just want the
little ladies to meet
some friends of mine over here.
Think nothing of it.
Girls, I want you
to meet the boys.
This is Mr. Smith,
Mr. Jones and Mr. Brown.
Hi, how do you do? The Toot sisters.
Rita, Nita and Hita.
Didn't I meet you in Chicago?
No, I don't believe you did.
I could swear you're
a boy I met in Chicago.
No, I ain't.
I tell you what.
I'm giving
a little party tonight.
You drop up and see if my
friends don't think you're him.
Well, no matter what they
think, I know I ain't.
(WHISPERING)
Don't forget, dearie.
But I ain't never
been off of Louisville.
How'd you like to go
on the stage, baby?
I'd just love to
go on the stage.
Yeah?
Well, I'm a scout for the biggest
musical producers in town.
Honest? Sure.
Say, we're giving a little party
tonight, and you can dance for us.
Then we can see what you got.
You see, it isn't so much what
you do that gets you places.
It's what you got.
I hope I've got it.
You'll find out tonight.
Hello there, fellas.
Well, what do you think of
Health and Beauty now, huh?
Great. Splendid.
We thought we'd stage
a little party later on.
Yes, and it's going
to be a gay one.
Well, go right ahead.
Don't let me stop you.
We've got
plenty of giggle water,
but we can't find any
gigglers to go with it.
Listen, I know a couple that'll
laugh right out loud. Come on.
(ALL LAUGHING) All we
needed was a good bird dog.
BARBARA: Good night, Sally.
Sally?
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Where are you going?
To a little party.
Any harm in that?
Depends upon whose party it is.
Joe's.
You know, Joe Garrett. He's
a big theatrical producer.
He wants to see me dance.
I wouldn't go if I were you.
It's getting late.
Besides, your dancing
wouldn't interest them.
It wouldn't, wouldn't it? No.
Why don't you run along to bed?
You can't tell me what to do.
You're only my cousin.
Sally, please!
Kiss. No.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Just a minute, excuse me.
Hello. Well, here I am.
There you are. Joe, look who's
here, your little girlfriend.
Hello, baby. Here, have a drink.
Hello.
I've got one.
Now you got two.
Attagirl!
All right, come on.
Join the party!
Come right in.
There's room for one more.
(SALLY GIGGLING)
Here she is, folks.
This is Sally.
Hi, Sally.
Little Sally from our alley.
This is the little dancer
I've been telling you about.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
May I have the first dance?
Relax!
Say, how about doing that
dance for us now, baby?
Sure. Turn on the music.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
Wait a minute, honey. You can't
dance in that straitjacket.
Go on in there
and put something on.
Leave it to me, I'll fix her up.
Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
(GIGGLING) You mean put
something on or put something on?
Use your own judgment.
MAN 1: Just make it
easy on the eyes.
I'm back again.
Now don't you all peek.
So she says to me, "I'll be in 346.
Don't forget, dearie.
Say, what kind of a place is this?
What's that?
Some of those dames over there
had me in the corner over there.
Don't worry, they won't feel
that way in the morning.
Get them up at 6:00,
good tough exercise.
We sweat those
ideas out of them.
Boy, you said it.
Anyhow, there ain't
anything a cold shower
won't take care of.
(ALL LAUGHING)
What's the matter, partner? Don,
they haven't gone to bed yet.
The men, they're having
a party all over the place.
Well, it's their
first night, Barbie.
Give them a chance
to settle down.
But Don, please come and help me.
It's Sally.
Probably having a little fun. Anyway,
lights will be out in a few minutes,
so why don't you run
along and get some rest?
You don't even
know what's going on.
You've been so busy taking bows,
the great Don Jackson, and
listening to Jean's compliments.
Now stop it, Barbie.
This is a partnership,
and Jean's been pretty darn swell.
Just try to remember that.
Thanks, I will.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
(MEN CHEERING)
What's the matter? Is this
party strictly private?
MAN 1: No, come on in. We
were waiting for you. Sure.
Say, you're one of the
bosses here, aren't you?
Yeah, and part of my job
is making my guests happy.
What's the idea of the undress act, kid?
Getting set for a fan dance?
Well, I was just... Well, he
was gonna put me in a show.
Show, huh? Well,
it's past your bedtime
and your cradle's crying
for you.
Find your own brassiere
and toddle home.
MAN 1: (CHUCKLES)
Just try and find one.
(ALL LAUGHING) Hey, wait a minute.
Sally is my guest.
Smart guy. What do you wanna
do, get yourself into trouble
with the Children's Aid?
If it's talent you're
looking for... Come on.
No, I don't wanna go home.
Wait a minute.
What's the idea of
dragging her away?
Don't you think she's a little
young for this sort of thing?
Don't be silly.
She's old enough
and she's smart enough.
Are you old enough? Yeah.
All right then, you show something.
Do something.
Wait till I get this kid home,
then I'll put on a show
for you that is a show.
No. You might get lost
and not find your way back.
Now, now, now.
Okay. You folks ever
see a real rumba?
You mean we'd rumba...
Boy, you said it. Watch.
Hey! You can't do that to me!
(CRYING)
Can she twist them.
I'm only warm, boy.
Wait till I boil.
MAN 1: (CHUCKLES) Tip top, baby.
Boil 'em on both sides.
Fire up the engine, baby.
Shovel in the coal.
Okay, but watch out for
the cinder in your eye.
It's all right. There won't be
anything worth seeing after this.
(ALL CHATTERING)
Keep it on staff night.
Pardon me, gentlemen.
Don't you know the rules?
MAN 2: What rules?
Lights out at 10:00.
MAN 3: A couple of
house detectives, eh?
Now, wait a minute, baby.
We're just getting acquainted.
Hey, Joey, what do we care about rules?
I'll turn them on.
No, wait. Leave them off.
I like it that way.
Okay.
Come on, baby, let's finish that dance.
Looked pretty good to me.
WOMAN: Come on.
Say, Jackson, there's some pretty
rough stuff going on out there.
What are they doing?
They've got lots of liquor
and some of the girls,
and I saw Sally and Barbara
in a pretty tough spot.
Say, listen, fellas.
Some of the guests
got the wrong slat
on Health Acres.
Let's put them right.
Okay! ALL: Come on!
(ALL EXCLAIM)
(MEN SHOUTING)
All right, baby! Come on, baby!
Come on! ALL: Come on!
Come on, come on. Come on,
let's see what you got.
(ALL CHATTERING)
JOE: What's the idea?
Don't you even knock?
I'm sorry, Barbie.
Get me out of here, will you?
Hey, don't we get any
privacy in our own room?
Boys, I think it's this
gentleman's bedtime.
I'll go to bed when I get ready.
You're ready right now.
I think I'll throw you out.
That's what I'll do.
You put me away, will you?
Good night.
Danny! Help, somebody.
Healy, they're killing me!
Get up, get up.
Have I missed anything?
No, you're just in
time to get everything.
Give him the works, fellas.
I protest.
I shall speak to
Mr. Healy about this!
How about a drink?
You want a drink? Yeah.
Give him a drink.
(MEN CHATTERING)
No, no! Cut it out. No. Cut it out.
Cut it out.
He wants a drink.
MAN 2: Cut it out.
ALL: He's hot. He wants a drink.
(ALL WHOOPING)
(MEN LAUGHING)
Hey, Jackson. What's the idea
of all this strong-arm stuff?
Yeah, what's the idea of all this...
Quiet.
You can't treat our guests like
a bunch of bohunks in a boxcar.
No, you can't treat
our guests like...
Just keep still.
I'm sorry you don't like it.
I didn't expect you to.
But I'm gonna run
this place as I see fit.
Now, look here... Quiet.
Boys, you know rule number 13?
ALL: Lights out and to bed.
MAN 1: Well, let it go...
MAN 2: Guess they're in bed.
MAN 3: That was easy.
MAN 4: Good night, Don.
MAN 5: Good night. So long.
Hello. Hello.
Aren't you setting a bad
example for our guests?
Don't you think
you should be in bed?
I would be, if rules meant
anything around here.
Everyone seems to have ignored them.
You included.
Please, Barbie.
As an officer of
this corporation,
I have as much right as you have
to sit out here among
the ruins and look plum.
Things are something
of a mess, aren't they?
Hopeless.
But we'll get it all
straightened out in the morning.
I'm afraid not.
There's only one solution.
What's that?
When partnerships don't work
out, they dissolve, that's all.
(SNIFFLING) So we must dissolve.
I'm leaving in the morning.
Don't say that, darling.
You're not leaving, and
we're not going to dissolve.
We're partners.
And we've got to see
this thing through.
That's just the trouble.
There are too many partners.
I guess Jean can take
my place all right.
Nobody's ever gonna take your place, Barbie.
Jean's been a help,
but the idea, everything
that counts, is yours.
Money in the bank!
Where is it now?
This Jackson guy is ruining everything.
Why don't you do something?
Quit beefing.
Tell you, we'll call a meeting in
the morning and vote the stock.
Yours and mine against his,
and then with Jean's...
Well, I ain't so sure that Jean
will vote her stock with us,
not the way she's been blowing
around with this Jackson guy.
You're not sure, huh?
Don't open that window. I
don't want any cold air on me.
Health and exercise, huh?
So you don't think
Jean will vote with us?
Well, come here and bat your big,
beautiful Irish eyes at that.
Room 209.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello. Hello, Jean?
Tell her to come over
and bring a friend.
Can you come over here and bring a friend...
Will you shut up?
I never thought you'd let
anybody give you the runaround.
Surely I'm not losing
my allure. Tell me all.
Well, can you see the
stadium from your room?
Well, look out there, dear, and
learn how to lisp in the moonlight.
No, lisp. Hold the wire.
Boy, did I tell her.
And will she burn up.
She gonna bring a friend?
Will you go to bed?
I don't want ever to
do anything without you.
We're partners for life.
Whether you like it or not.
Are you sure, Don? Or is
it just the moonlight?
I'm sure.
I just brought the moonlight
along for a witness.
Hello, Ducky.
Yes. And when I get my eight
hours sleep, will I tear my hair.
Is that a break for us
or is that a break for us?
That is the best thing
that could have happened...
Will you get out of here?
This is my bed. This is mine!
How did I know?
And that's my robe.
You got me so nervous,
I'm hysterical.
(BUGLE BLOWING)
Now girls, I want every guest
out in that field at 6:30.
I don't care how
you get them there,
you can throw them out, carry
them out or drag them out,
but your orders are deliver
the body, dead or alive.
My word,
another sleeping beauty.
(SIGHING)
Come on, Nita.
6:30.
Two minutes to get out of here.
6:30?
I didn't come down here
to deliver the milk.
You came down here for
exercise, didn't you?
Yeah. But you don't
have to sneak up
on exercise in the dark, do you?
The sun's been up an hour.
When did that happen? I always
thought it rose at noon.
Not around here, it doesn't.
You signed an agreement,
didn't you?
Yeah, but I sign things so easy.
Well, come on.
Ease out of that bed.
Come on now. Out.
Only over my dead body.
Dead or alive, orders
are to deliver the body.
Grab an end, Nita.
It's grabbed. Hey!
It's flesh.
It moved.
It's a body!
Say, what's the idea?
6:30, sir. Morning
exercise in 15 minutes.
I didn't come here
for no exercise.
No? Then why did you come?
Well, I thought it a
good idea at the time.
But that time wasn't 6:30.
As long as you're here, it's
still got to be a good idea.
Hey. There ain't nobody gonna
separate me from my bed.
Then we'll separate
this bed from you.
(SNORING)
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello? Wait a minute, I'll let
you talk to Healy. Dan. Dan!
What? What?
Hello?
Listen, everything
is gonna be all right.
It's all gonna be Jake.
Go on back to bed and relax.
No, no, no, no.
Don't take anything. Relax!
Can you imagine those mugs?
(MEN CHATTERING) Hey.
Hey!
DAN: Hey, wait a second.
Hey, look at this guy!
(ALL ARGUING)
Hey, what is this?
Who made rules?
Don't you know we own
half of this joint?
We didn't make any such rules.
Mr. Jackson made them,
sir, and there they are.
Jackson, huh? I'll show you.
I'll get him
on the phone. I'll
show you what rules.
Get Jackson on
the phone right now.
Who you following?
Hello. Give me Mr. Jackson.
Well, send a boy up and get him.
Tell him to come
right over to my room.
Call a meeting right away.
What do you think I'm doing?
And get me room 209.
What are you looking at?
Hello, Jean?
Slip something on and come right over
to my room, we're calling a meeting.
And bring that stock
letter with you.
Yeah, I guess that
shows you guys.
Yeah, I guess that
shows you guys.
Put on your athletic suits.
What suits?
Why, we didn't bring
any athletic suits.
We ain't even
got athletics foot.
We'll soon get you some suits.
MAN 1: Right. Come on, Ted.
But I tell you, I'm on
my way to a meeting.
And I tell you you're on your
way to the exercise field.
And let's hear you whistle.
I don't even whistle when I feel good.
Come on.
The only way you'll get me to
an exercise field is to drag me.
Then we'll drag you.
Come on, bodies.
WOMAN 1: Come on, get her.
WOMAN 2:
She won't take her exercise.
WOMAN 3: Come on.
And whistle!
(WOMEN WHISTLING)
Rule number 3: Whistle gaily.
(WHISTLING)
(WHISTLING)
(ALL WHISTLING)
(GRUMBLING)
You guys will hear about this
just as soon as we see Jackson.
Just as soon as... Shut up.
You're on your way
to see him right now.
Come on. Whistle gaily.
(ALL WHISTLING)
You don't sound so gay.
I can't whistle.
Well, sing, then. I can't sing.
Sing.
(HUMMING)
Instructors will
now demonstrate.
Two paces forward.
Hut! Hut, two, three. Ready?
Exercise! One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, halt.
One step backward. March!
Yes. Exercise. Ready. Exercise.
One, two, three, four.
(MEN WHISTLING)
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, halt!
WOMEN: Come on, young lady.
If you think we're going through
that funny stuff, you're crazy!
Yeah. I'm cold.
I'm going back to bed.
MAN: Stay there. Get back there.
I'm sorry, but the rules say
all the guests must exercise.
Well, we'll change the rules.
We'll change the management, too.
Here's Jean.
We'll change the rules
and the management.
Hey, Jean! Are you willing to vote
your 10% of the stock with ours?
I certainly am, early and often.
Why, Jean, I thought that you...
Well, you thought
down the wrong alley.
So you see, you're no
longer running this place.
Her stock with
ours votes you out.
I beg your pardon. Miss Strange
hasn't any stock in the company.
I sure have. Have you
got that agreement?
If you read that letter, you'll
find you have 10% in the farm.
Not in the company.
LARRY: It's in the whole works.
Oh, no, it isn't. I thought of
that when I drew up the agreement.
And the company has control
of all the policies.
Why, the dirty crooks.
It ain't legal!
Ask Dr. Rankin.
What does he know about it?
He's only a psalm singer.
Did you call me?
You keep out of this, Rankin.
This is a legal matter.
Exactly. That's why the
Department of Justice
had me join your
happy little group.
The Department of Justice?
Ain't you a preacher?
No. But I can give you a
little sermon just the same.
Take Mr. Jackson's
advice hereafter.
Both here and on the magazine.
Okay, kids. What they
need's a little exercise
for that rundown feeling.
Snap into it.
(MEN SHOUTING)
Thanks, partner.
Yes, we'll now exercise.
Ready? Exercise.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
And I left a good
job in Evanston.
For this?
Quiet, will you? I'm thinking.
Bend, brother. Bend.
Yeah, stay with it, boys.
Maybe someday you two can
do an acrobatic horse act.
Healy, you can
play the horse's head.
I got it! I got a great idea!
(MOANING)
There's a million bucks in it.
Are you listening, Dan?
Am I listening?
I'm all ears.