Sebastian Maniscalco: It Ain't Right (2025) Movie Script
1
It Ain't Right!
It Ain't Right
It Ain't Right
Unh, turn up the bass
It Ain't Right
Unh, turn up the bass
Give it up for Chicago, huh?
So, I haven't, uh,
been to Chicago recently,
the actual city,
so today I took a walk around.
What happened?
Looks like an apocalypse out there.
You're walking around Chicago,
you wanna take a piss?
Take a piss!
Is anybody in charge?
So, I had a pretty good year.
I, uh, took in the Olympics
over the summer.
I don't know if anybody saw the Olympics.
Yeah?
I don't know if anybody saw the guy
knock the pole over with his dick.
If you don't know
what I'm talking about,
there was a pole vaulter who went up,
and on his way down,
"Poof," knocked the pole over
with his dick.
Now...
I've never knocked anything over...
with my dick. I...
My wife has never told me,
"Honey, you knocked over the pitcher
of water with your dick again."
"Oh, I'm sorry. It's a...
"Let me tape it to my leg.
"This is getting ridiculous.
"I'm sorry you have to live with this.
"This is a shame.
Constantly in the way."
I even took
in the Para-Olympics this year.
Alright? Yeah, I thought it was exciting.
You wanna feel lazy about yourself?
Watch the Para-Olympics.
I was watching swimming.
Guy had no legs and no arms.
I-It's kinda what you need
to do the sport.
Now, I'm sitting there
in my underwear eating popcorn,
watching a guy swim with his eyelashes.
I had a Fourth of July party this year.
Now, I don't like having parties
'cause everybody
starts to call and ask,
"What can we bring?"
The standard response is, "Nothing.
We got it. Just bring yourself," right?
But then when they show up,
they got nothing.
You're like, "Look at this shit.
They didn't got nothing."
To be honest, I don't like
when people bring stuff.
I don't like when people
make food at their house
and bring it to my house.
Right? As soon as they get out
of the car, it's leaking.
Everything's leaking.
There's a trail of juice
from their car to my door.
The food is always unidentifiable.
Always comes in a clear bowl.
You have to ask, "Oh, what is..."
What... What...
"What is that?"
"Oh, it's marshmallow, cinnamon, chicken."
"Chicken?"
"Yeah, where would you like me to put it?"
"Near the garbage.
"It's gonna go right from the table,
"right into the hefty bag,
right to the corner.
I don't think anybody's gonna
eat your cinna-chicken today."
And I had about 20 kids there,
and these kids today,
they have no problem talking to adults.
Growing up, I was scared of other adults.
These kids today
come right up to you, and rude.
Eight years old, the kid's like,
"Where's my burger?"
I'm like, "Hey, get the fuck away
from me, kid.
I don't even like your parents."
And the parents aren't even
patrolling the behavior.
Now, when I'm at a party
and I got my kids with me,
I got an ear on what my kids
are doing at all times.
If I don't hear a "please"
and "thank you," I go,
"Hey, wake up or we're gonna
get the fuck outta here, alright?
Please and thank you. Hello, we're here."
Alright, that's it.
Handled.
He was complaining I didn't have
fireworks at the party, alright?
I had fireworks that we could see,
but they weren't over our head.
He's like, "Where's all the fireworks?"
I said, "Listen, I grew up in the '80s.
"You know what we had? We had a sparkler.
This-- this was what we were doing."
We had snakes.
I don't know if you remember s--
you lit a snake.
There was ash coming out of your driveway.
You thought it was the coolest thing.
Also watched some TV this summer,
caught up on some TV.
We're not the TV couple, my wife and I.
We don't watch a lot of TV.
I'm sure everybody knows a couple,
that's, that's all they do,
telling you what to watch.
Right, you see 'em, they're like,
"Oh, my God..."
"have you seen..."
"Have you seen The Menendez Bro...
"You gotta wait till the fifth episode
and then it really..."
We try to catch up on so-- uh, TV.
My-- my kids don't go to camp
or anything like that.
They don't go to sleepaway camp.
I know that that's popular
in some families.
They send their kids
for four weeks to sleepaway camp.
Now, if you come from an immigrant family
during the summer,
you don't go nowhere!
N-Nothing.
I asked my father growing up,
I go, "What am I doing this summer?"
He's like, "You're in the backyard.
Go in the backyard for three months."
"What?" That was-- that was it.
I was in the backyard bored, just...
Nothing to do.
Just running from side to side.
Just...
They had a little pool back there.
It wasn't even a pool, it was like
a mosquito larva hatching nest.
Weird stuff happens
at sleepaway camp, alright?
Kid comes back after four weeks,
now all of a sudden they know
how to jerk someone off with their feet.
Fuck that. The kid ain't going to camp.
Get in the yard,
dig a hole, get in the pool.
That's it.
Now, my wife and I can't agree
on what to watch.
At the end of a long day,
I wanna watch something
that has like some--
like a gun or--
like a Equalizer, Denzel Washington.
"Oh, yeah, what's going on here?"
That's what I wanna see.
She's like, "You wanna watch
Love Is Blind?"
Oh, yeah, I would love
to watch Love Is Blind!
Fifty-one years old.
"I don't think so, babe."
Sometimes we will end up on random stuff.
We-- we're watching this,
uh, Jeffrey Dahmer.
Uh, yeah, no, that's a good one to watch
right before you go to bed.
Uplifting positive message.
If you don't know who Jeffrey Dahmer was,
he was eating people in the late '80s.
Turn it on.
He would lure men
back to his apartment, right?
Guy would come in, and it smelled.
The apartment smelled, right?
'Cause he was eating people.
So, the guy, as soon
as he walked in, he'd be like...
"What is this smell?"
And Dahmer's just sitting in his kitchen.
"I had some bad pork chops last night.
Bad, bad pork chops."
Now, I'm sorry, I-I go into, uh,
an apartment and it stinks, I leave.
I don't stick around
for a Schlitz to find out why.
I'm out.
Now, my wife is the pause-it wife.
I got the pause-it wife
constantly asking me to pause the program.
Twenty minutes in,
she's like, "Could you pause it?"
"Ah. Okay, what is it?
What-- what are we gonna talk about?"
She's like, "You wanna take the kids
to Disney World this year?"
"What?
"How did Mickey Mouse pop in your head...
watching this?"
'Nother 20 minutes,
"Could you pause it?"
"Okay, now what?"
She's like, "I don't understand
what's going on here."
"He's eating... people!
"There's not a lot of plot twists, babe.
"I don't know what to tell you.
"He got hungry. He ate a head last night.
I d-- I-- that's the movie. I..."
Then, I heard a big bang in the house.
My wife never hears anything in the house.
It was a big bang.
It was like boom, boom, right?
I go, "You hear that?"
She goes, "No.
You-- you think it was the TV?"
I said, "No, it's on pause."
"Look, there's an Amazon guy
doing a drop-off at midnight."
I'm sorry, this is a little aggressive
to be coming to people's houses
with nine boxes at midnight, right?
I don't know how
this company works, I really don't.
Sometimes
a beautiful Amazon truck pulls up,
says "Amazon" on the side.
Guy gets out, he's fully decorated
in Amazon paraphernalia.
But then, sometimes
a white rape van shows up.
Guy gets out with a yellow traffic vest.
I asked him, I go, "You work for Amazon?"
He's like,
"No, I'm a-- I'm a..."
"You know where I live?
How did you get here?"
I mean, who's packing
these boxes? You ever get--
'Cause no one even knows
what they're ordering anymore.
Stuff just comes.
I think Amazon is just sending us shit
just to see if we send it back. I...
I got an aquarium the other day.
I'm like, "Alright, I--
Somebody must have ordered an aqua--"
I-- I brought it in.
I set it up. I set it up in the basement.
My wife comes home, she's like,
"Why is there an aquarium
in the basement?"
I go, "You didn't order that?"
She's like, "No," I said, "Fuck it,
we'll leave it, looks good, I like it.
Get on Amazon, get some fish,
they got fish, right?"
I don't know who packs the boxes.
Sometimes a big box shows up.
You open it up,
one dental floss with airbags.
Who packed it?
No one knows how this works.
Look at your credit card.
They don't even itemize the items.
It just says, "Amazon Marketplace"
for 98 pages.
Uh, y-- and you pay it like an idiot.
You're like, "Alright, we must
have spent four grand on Tide.
Send it." I don't know what to tell you.
This Jeff Bezos is amazing.
This guy's a genius. A genius.
You ever look at, uh,
Bezos 30 years ago
when this guy came on the scene
for the first time?
The guy was a complete nerd. A nerd!
Pale white, oversized suit,
barely hanging onto his hair.
Had some weird laugh then.
They interviewed him 30 years ago.
They're like,
"What is your company doing?"
He's like, "Well, I sell books
out of my garage over the Internet."
And they laughed.
They're like, "He's selling books?
Hasn't he ever heard of Borders?"
Now, look at him.
You take a look at Bezos now.
Guy is beautiful.
Ripped to shreds, tan, designer clothes,
on his super yacht
in the Mediterranean
and the boxes... keep... comin'!
What is this... [chuckles] guy doing?
He's eating pasta off the Amalfi Coast
and I'm getting aquariums.
Delivery trucks show up
all day at your house
and they cause different emotions
depending on what truck.
FedEx pulls up,
everybody gets worried, right?
We're getting sued.
Paperwork is coming FedEx,
"from the law offices of."
You ask your wife, "What is this?"
She's like, "I didn't think I hit him."
"What?"
UPS pulls up, exciting.
It's an electronic,
it's a-- it's an iPhone, it's a laptop,
it's a Samsung TV set.
It's important, whatever it is.
You gotta be there to sign for it.
And if you're not,
they-- they leave a note on your door
telling you, you fucked up.
But on the bottom, they tell you,
"We're gonna give you
one more chance.
"We're coming back tomorrow
at two o'clock.
"Get your shit together.
Someone's gotta be here
or it's going back to Taiwan."
Everybody's anxious.
They're like,
"Who's taking off work tomorrow?
They're coming back! Take the sick day!"
Amazon don't play around with that.
No note, no nothing.
They'll throw the box...
right over the bush.
They'll take a picture.
"Let's go. Bezos needs fuel.
"Be-- Bezos needs fuel.
"He's in Ibiza. Forget it.
Who cares if it breaks?"
I don't know, maybe I'm looking
at things from, you know,
I'm 51 now, just turned 51 this summer.
Yeah.
And listen, I just--
I can't do things that I used to do.
Listen, I used to be--
I used to be able to put my socks on.
Standing up. No problem.
Now I gotta sit on the edge of my bed
and hope to God...
hope to God my ankle rests
on my knee long enough.
I'm bringing body parts to me.
Then, I gotta take the sock,
I gotta roll it.
I gotta roll it
into a doughnut, alright?
'Cause I got sciatic pain
ripping down my right leg.
I don't have enough strength
in my right leg
to fight through an open sock.
I gotta roll it on like a condom.
I'm putting my socks on like a rubber.
What's happening to me?
I'm constantly exhausted, tired.
Is anybody getting up
in the morning refreshed?
- No.
- Is anybody getting out of bed going,
"Whoa, I had a great sleep!"
I get up, I feel worse
than when I went to bed.
I'm like, "Did I sleep last night?
What the hell happened?"
I'm waking up my wife
with the sounds coming out of my body.
Three o'clock in the morning, she's like,
"Are you eating potato chips?"
"What?
"No, that's my knees
extending onto the floor
"for my ninth piss.
"Go back to bed, babe.
I didn't bring a can of Pringles
into the bed."
And speaking of going to the bathroom,
I took my son to the bathroom
at a restaurant,
and I was watching him go.
I was jealous
at the strength of his stream.
He was chipping porcelain
off the back of the bowl.
I get up in the middle of the night,
my dick is inverted.
I can't find it, right?
And when I go to the bathroom,
it's two streams.
I'm-- I need two toilets now.
I'm pissing mist!
I went to the doctor, he said,
I have a mild case
of sleep apnea, alright?
He said, "You need to start sleeping
with sleep tape over your mouth."
This is where I'm at.
I'm in bed with my wife,
and I have to tap her before we go to bed,
and I have to ask her,
"Babe, do you need...
"Do you need to talk anymore
"because I'm gonna duct tape my mouth shut
so I don't pass away in my sleep."
"What?"
I look like a hostage
in a cave in Afghanistan.
If someone came to rob my house,
they would look at me and go,
"Someone was already here. Let's go.
"Let's go. There's nothing left.
They tied him up.
"He's got a gag in his mouth. Let's go.
We're done."
It's even affected my love life, right?
My wife, the other night,
got up in the middle of the night.
She's like, "Ah, what?"
"What?" You know?
And I'm like, hold on, let me take...
During lovemaking,
I'm getting-- I'm getting charley horses.
This-- do you ever have this happen?
Right-- right in the middle, I'm like,
"God, get off! Oh, my God!
I can't. I can't get
rid of it, babe, I..." Right?
This is what she's looking at,
fully erect, walking around,
walking around the bedroom, right?
You ca-- you can't come back after that.
You can't get back in the-- in the bed
and, "Okay, come on, get on, get on top."
She's like, "That's alright,
we'll-- we'll do it next month.
"I'm-- I'm good, I-- I just,
I can't unsee what I just saw,
I don't know what the hell's going on,
but... we're good."
I ruptured my bicep,
went to the doctor for that.
He's like, "Oh, yeah, no, you ruptured it.
What'd you do?"
I was like, "I don't know. Woke up.
Woke up, had a hole in my arm.
"Shit's snapping off
in the middle of the night, Doc.
I'm not lifting any heavy stuff.
I don't know what's going on."
He's like, "Well, how long
have you had that?"
I said, "I don't know.
I don't look in a mirror anymore."
If you're in your 20s or 30s,
you're living in a mirror.
You can't wait, right?
You're like, "Oh, my God, can you..."
You're north of 50?
Every eight weeks, you catch a glance.
You're like,
"What the fuck is this?"
You ever look
at yourself in the mirror
and just-- I mean naked,
and-- and just take it in?
I was looking, my belly button
is not centered
with the rest of my body anymore.
It's off to the left, it collapsed.
I don't know what happened.
I asked my wife, I go, "Babe..."
And she's like, "Yeah, no,
that's been that way for a year."
"What? You don't tell...
You don't tell me
my belly button left?"
I used to have a beautiful ass.
Beautiful, right?
You ever catch your backside?
I was in a hotel room
looking in the mirror.
I caught my backside.
I thought somebody else was in the room!
No ass, gone.
It-- it bleeds into my hamstrings.
My crack, no crack anymore.
Disappeared into my nuts.
My crack is gone!
It's a slow decay.
And it's not gonna get any better.
This-- it's all going downhill.
We were on vacation, right?
I was sitting there on the beach.
I got one kid on this side,
one kid on that side.
My wife's like, "Oh, my God,
this is such a beautiful picture.
Let me take a photo of you." Right?
She snaps it, I look at it, right?
I have, I don't know,
it's like an udder.
It's like a-- it's like an orangutan tit.
I don't know when this happened.
I used to have a beautiful chest plate.
I got orangutan tits now.
I just refuse to believe
this is what 51 feels like.
I have to have something,
like a disease or something, right?
I went to a rheumatologist.
And, listen, I don't even like
going to the doctor.
I-- I really don't. It's the same thing
every time with the clipboard.
Go over there,
fill it out for four hours, right?
Two-hundred and eighty-five
pages of questions.
There's one question,
"How many alcoholic beverages
- do you consume in one week?"
- Whoo!
The first answer is one glass.
Who circles that?
I don't know anybody in my life
that's doing one glass a week,
especially in Chicago.
You guys are drinking constantly, right?
Oh, yeah.
Every time I call my friends in Chicago,
"What are you doing?"
"Fuckin' hammered, bro.
"Fuckin' hammered!
Can't see shit."
It's noon on a Tuesday.
So, I go into the doctor, and it's weird.
They come out,
and they ask you to come in.
They say, your name is Sebastian.
"Okay. Here I come. Okay."
I always go the wrong way,
like I know.
I'm like, "Alright, this way?
No. Okay. I'm sorry. This way?"
I have no memory anymore.
No memory. Gone.
The-- the nurse is like,
"Just go down the double doors,
take a left and at the--"
"Hey, let's...
Let me write this down.
I lost you at double doors."
Gone.
I walk in, they got that smock.
I always put it on like a robe.
I always put it on
so everything is exposed.
And I don't sit, I just walk around.
I just walk around the doctor's office.
Nurse comes in, she's like,
"Oh, my God, please, just, no.
That-- it goes the other way, sir."
I go, "Okay, but I have no crack.
"Just so you know,
this might be a better view.
"'Cause the backside, nothing.
It's just a pancake right into the legs."
She's like, "We're gonna need some urine."
I'm like, "God, I don't like
the urine sample." Right?
It's tough, you go in there, right?
There's a fill line,
there's a lot of pressure
to fill that thing up.
And generally speaking,
I don't look at my own urine.
I go, I flush, I leave.
But when you put it in a cup,
you-- you know, you...
You tend to take a glance.
And I gotta tell you
people something, my sample?
Beautiful!
Like Pinot Grigio!
Uh, no foam on it, nothing.
You could read a newspaper
right through the glass,
really proud of it.
And then there's no way
you could look cool
coming out of the doctor's office
holding your own urine.
There's-- you-- you turn into
a completely different human being, right?
You walk out, you're like,
"I got my pee-pee.
"Where do I put my pee-pee?
You told me to make pee-pee for you,
so here's my pee-pee cup."
You ever try handing it
to a nurse?
Like, "No, we don't take the piss!
"Please!
Put it over there with the rest."
Right?
Now, I'm sorry, I don't think
everybody's urine should be on display
for other patients to see, right?
I put mine next to a guy's
that looked like scotch!
Scotch. Scotch.
Like, I'm like,
I don't know what he's got,
but I think I'm gonna be okay.
Mine looks good.
This looks like death, alright?
If I'm pissing scotch,
I don't even hand that in.
I throw it back in the bowl.
I don't even bother.
I tell everybody, "I'm gonna
go die in my sleep tonight."
I'm not handing in root beer as a sample.
So, the school year started about,
I don't know, a month and a half ago.
Right? Taking the kids to school.
That's what I like to do.
I like to take 'em
in the morning with my wife.
Now, first day of school...
I knew there was not gonna be
a lot of parking near the school.
It's in a residential area.
So, that morning I was planning
in my head where to park, alright?
This is what men do
prior to getting into a vehicle
with their family.
We're planning.
You probably did it tonight.
And most men drive the car.
I-- I am in control
of the driving duties in my family.
And I think I speak
for everybody in the room,
generally speaking, ladies,
okay, generally.
Take it easy.
Men tend to drive,
and the lady
is in the passenger seat.
Am-- am I accurate by saying that?
Okay.
Like-- like, guy, did you drive tonight?
Yes. Guy, you drive?
No, of course. The guy...
The one guy I pick on,
"No, I sat in the bitch seat tonight,
"and my-- my wife-- my wife
generally drives me everywhere,
'cause I have no nuts."
I-- it's okay, guy. It's-- it's okay.
Don't worry about it.
But most...
If I went around the room...
I would predict 90% of the men drive.
Now, we don't have
this discussion in my household.
It's-- everybody has
assigned seats in the car.
We don't-- me and my wife
are not in the driveway
debating, "You wanna drive tonight?"
"Wanna drive?" "No."
No, we go and we leave.
Now, first day of school...
the parking was gonna be awful.
It's in a residential area.
So, while I was at the house,
I was trying to figure out
where I was going to park.
This is what men do, ladies.
We're-- we're looking
into the future, right?
And sometimes we don't respond to you.
A lot of women complain,
when they talk
to their boyfriend or husband,
that they don't get a response, right?
It's because we're thinking.
Like, my wife came down
and she started asking questions.
She's like,
"Do you wanna leave at 8:00?"
I didn't even hear it.
I'm sitting there going,
"Now, if I take a right on the street..."
Like, you probably did it tonight,
you're like,
"Okay, if I take
the Kennedy at this hour..."
This is what men are doing, we're trying
to plan out where we're going.
Now, we get into the car.
Now, my wife has driven,
she just-- she just
doesn't know how to drive.
Believe me, she thinks she knows.
My wife likes to talk to me
while she drives.
Now, when I'm driving,
I talk to the windshield, right?
She talks to me, and I go,
"Yeah, I think we should maybe go
to your mother's for Christmas."
Right? But my wife, she talks,
she's like, "You know what, we should..."
And she's hitting shit,
she's taking out...
She took out a recycling bin, right?
I'm like, "Jesus!"
She didn't even see it,
she didn't even know she hit it!
I go, "You hit it!"
And she's like, "I did?"
"Yeah, you did! Get your foot
off the air conditioner!"
She's got her foot up by the air,
what is that?
So, my plan was to park
four blocks away
and we would walk in.
Now, at four blocks,
I turn to my wife, I go,
"Just, you know, walk in. Yeah?
Let's just walk in.
Not gonna be anything up there."
She's like, "No, no, you go up there. No.
There'll be spots. There'll be spots."
Now, I've been married 11 years.
I don't even respond to that.
Five years in,
I would have responded to that.
Now I have a conversation in my head...
of what I wanna say.
I wanted to say,
"There's not gonna be nothing up there!"
Right, that's what I wanted to say.
But what she saw was just...
"Yeah, okay.
There? Up there? Yeah."
Nothing. There's nothing.
So, we get in the car...
and on the weekends, you gotta figure out
what to do with the kids.
Where are we going?
Where are we gonna kill time?
Right? Went to the zoo, right?
And the zoo generally is--
is boring, but you have to go.
We go up to pay, right?
My wife wants the package.
Any membership,
my wife wants everything.
She's like, "Let's just
get the year membership."
I go, "Babe, this is the only time
we're ever coming to the zoo."
When the kids are in their 30s,
they're gonna go,
"Remember that one time
we went to the zoo?
"This is it. This is the one time.
I'm not coming back here."
Zoo's boring.
There's nothing to do there.
Listen, and I know some of you
are going, "How dare you?
"How dare you support... the zoo?
"Those are wild animals.
They are in captivity,
and you're supporting that?"
Listen, I get it. I understand.
But I need four hours to kill,
so we're gonna go look at sad animals.
I don't know what to tell you.
Half of the animals
aren't even in the cage.
I went to go look at the bears.
I asked the guy, I go, "Where's the bear?"
He's like, "Nah, he ain't--
he ain't in today."
"He ain't in? What'd he take the day off?
"He didn't come to work?
He's back there. Isn't he...
Wh-what is he..."
"Nah, he's in the back.
He's getting his shots.
He's getting his vaccines."
I said, "Okay, bring that out here."
I wanna see that, alright?
Maybe he gets mad.
He takes a claw to the guy's face.
I wanna see somebody
get their head ripped off
for $90 a head.
"Bring out the bear, guy."
No. We go to the Los Angeles Zoo,
and I don't know what's going on.
Budget cuts or what?
There's shit missing at the zoo.
There's...
We-- we went to-- we went to go look
at the kangaroo exhibit.
I thought there was gonna be
a 20-foot fence
between us and the kangaroo. Nothing.
Couple bushes, us and a kangaroo
just staring right at us.
And this thing wasn't even hopping.
It was just-- it was just walking around.
Just walking around the cage.
My son's like,
"Why isn't it hopping, Daddy?"
I said, "I don't know.
They must have snipped off his hamstrings
'cause they can't afford the fence."
He's walking around
like he's at a nightclub.
What the hell's going on here?
Went to go feed the giraffes.
I told my kids, alright,
I said, "Grab the salad.
Start feeding this thing. Come on."
This is how I address them.
I don't-- I don't play the whole...
"Let's go feed the giraffe!"
No.
"Get it, let's go, I'm bored.
Come on, I wanna get outta here."
They start feeding this thing,
guy comes out that works there,
he's like, "Ah, excuse me,
hey, excuse me, sir,
that's $15 dollars per kid
to feed the giraffe."
I go, "Guy, don't nickel and dime me
on the giraffe feed.
"They're your giraffes.
You're gonna charge me
to feed your giraffe?"
I said, "Drop the salad.
Let's get out of here. It's a scam.
"The whole thing's a scam.
"Keep it moving.
Let's go home."
'Nother thing we did over the summer,
we went to Universal Studios, alright?
No, nothin' "whoo!"
Listen, I don't--
I don't buy tickets anywhere.
I just go and do point of sale. Right?
I go to the parking garage,
I pull up to the cabin,
guy's yelling, "Seventy dollars.
Seventy dollars!"
That's not a normal price for parking.
You don't shout that
from a cabin, alright?
It it's $70, you come out
of the cabin, you apologize.
"I'm sorry, this is criminal,
what they're doing to people.
"I don't blame you if you leave,
I'm just trying to feed my family."
That's what I wanna hear
on a $70 charge.
Now, my wife has no price sensitivity.
I tap her, I go,
"This guy's charging $70."
She's like,
"Shut up, pay it, just pay it."
And I took out cash, and by the way,
you take out cash nowadays,
it's like kryptonite.
This kid was in his early 20s,
he's like, "What is that?"
I said, "It's money,
it's used for goods and services."
He's like, "We don't--
we don't have a register,
I can't even...
You got a Zelle or a Venmo?"
I go, "No, I don't got Venmo!
I got this. I..."
No, some people do Venmo.
Maybe you went out to dinner
before the show,
somebody paid,
and then the rest of the group said,
"No, we'll Venmo you later."
"No, you pay me now!" Right?
You...
You could leave here tonight
and wrap yourself around a tree.
Where does that leave me?
Out 300 for the dinner.
Now, I gotta go to your funeral
and talk to your family
and tell them, "Listen...
"You know, the night he died,
he was gonna...
"he was gonna Venmo me three-- $300.
"So, if you could just
settle up with me
"right here near the casket,
"I'll-- I'll be on my way.
"Uh, sorry for your loss,
"but, uh, he had a lot, some lamb chops
"and a appetizer that night
that was expensive,
you know, and, uh,
died on a full stomach, but..."
So, I pay the guy, right,
and I'm going up the ramp.
Of course, I can't let it go.
I gotta talk to my wife about it.
Uh, I can't believe $70.
Trying to figure out how much
they're making on parking.
You ever do that? You ever go,
"How many spots you think
each level's got?
I wanna multiply it by 70."
Of course, she's telling me where to park.
Don't tell us where to park, ladies.
We know where we're going.
We're going away from everything.
My wife's always trying
to tell me to get-- get in there.
No, even if we fit in there,
we would all have to exit
through the sunroof
because the doors won't open, babe.
Let me just find a bigger spot.
Now, we get out of the car,
my daughter looks up at me,
she goes, "Daddy, could I get
on your shoulders?"
Now, listen...
I'm not gonna deprive
my beautiful daughter
of a ride on her father's shoulders,
but I got problems.
So, I'm like, "Yeah, no, of course.
"You wanna get on-- you wanna get on...
Argh."
I said, "Get on.
Get on Daddy's shoulders."
Now, as soon as she gets on, in my head,
I'm like, "There's no way.
There's no way I'm getting up from this."
And my wife is walking
with my son into the elevator
like she married
a 35-year-old man.
And I'm screaming,
"Get back, I can't get up! Come back!"
Now, my wife has a problem with my tone.
She runs back, she's like,
"What, are you crazy?
What, are you nuts?
Yelling across a parking lot at me?"
I go, babe, "How would you
like me to address you...
"in these situations?
What do you want me to do?
W-what do you want me..."
"Hey, babe, hey, babe.
"Co-- come back here, you silly goose.
"Oh, no, I just need some help.
I have a torn right meniscus.
"I have vertebra displacement,
a pinched nerve.
"Come on, now.
Just looking for help, babe. Golly!"
So, we go up to the booth
to pay at Universal, alright?
Now, I got no tickets, nothing.
The guy working is half alive.
Half alive.
Right? He's playing a video game.
Again, in his early 20s.
And everybody's worried
about AI and robots.
"Oh, they're gonna take the jobs."
Let 'em.
I don't wanna deal
with this shit anymore.
Alright? I don't want to deal
with a 21-year-old kid
with an attitude, alright?
Every time you go,
you ask a question, you get an eye roll.
Uhh!
I'd rather have a,
"Eh, right away, sir,
let me go get your ticket, sir.
Here's your ticket, sir. Enjoy your day."
That's what I want now.
And listen, I'm not transactional.
I goof around with the guy.
I'm sarcastic.
Nobody gets sarcasm anymore.
I went up to the guy, I go,
"You got an hour pass?
I'll rip through the park in one hour."
He's like, "No, we don't got that."
Ah... Forget-- forget connecting
with this kid. Forget it.
I go, "I got a son here. He's five.
Could he ride any of these rides?"
He's like, "I don't know.
Is that your son?"
"Yeah, this is him.
I brought him. He's right here."
He's like, "I don't know, he's short.
How tall? How tall is he?"
This tall, guy, you're looking
right at him, alright?
I didn't measure him
before we came here.
Alright? I barely got his socks on.
Him and I have a problem
putting on our socks.
So, I don't know. I'm 5'10".
What's this? Two feet? He's two feet.
You got anything for two-footers
behind the gates?
Come on, guy.
Get off the fentanyl and let me in.
Alright?
I don't know what you're on,
but I ain't on anything.
I'm on a... time clock. Let's go.
So, he goes, "Uh, we got,
uh, we got an express pass."
I said, okay,
now we're talking my language.
Express, fast. What's your--
I asked him, "What's your idea of express?
Might be a lot different than mine?"
My idea of an express pass,
soon as you get to the ride, poof.
You're up. You're on it.
You're in the air.
You ain't waiting for nobody.
No line, no nothing.
Right past Make-A-Wish.
"Hi, how you doing?
"I got my express pass. Where do I go?
"I paid 90 extra for the express pass.
Where is the ride? Bring it down."
Right? That's what I...
That's what I'm looking for.
That was a joke.
Listen, I would never do that.
I would never hurdle a Make-A-Wish kid.
I would never do that.
Have we all thought about it?
Yeah. That's why it's...
So, I said, "Just forget it.
Just ring me up
for whatever the hell you got, okay?"
Now, I had a price in my head
what the thing was gonna cost.
Right? He's like,
"It's gonna be 1,900."
Nineteen hundred dollars?
I was thinking 250 tops
for a family of four
to look at a minion and go home.
This guy hits me with two grand.
Listen, alright, just ring it up, alright?
What am I gonna do?
I paid 70 on the parking.
What am I gonna do?
I'm-- I'm 70 in.
What, I go back to my car
and lose the 70?
No, let's spend--
let's spend the two grand.
So, he's like, "I'm gonna need
everybody's first and last name."
What is with this personal information
on transactions?
They do this at Target.
You ring something up,
"Zip code, please."
Why? You gonna murder my family tonight?
Just ring up the toothbrush, guy.
You don't need my address.
And you don't ask Italian people
for personal information.
We get very nervous
when strangers
start asking us stuff like that.
That's why Italians,
we give fake names, if we ever...
First and last, I give-- the whole family
got a fake name now.
Now, he prints the tickets,
and on the tickets
are the fake names.
And I'm thinking, "Shit, this could be
a problem moving forward, right?"
Now, I take the tickets,
we go up to the turnstile, right?
Now, my family is unaware
that their names have changed.
Now, if my wife was paying--
see, my wife never pays attention
to what I'm doing.
Now, if my wife was paying
and she was giving fake names,
I would be in on that.
I'm like, "Okay, fake names today."
Fake names?
I would tell the kids,
"You got fake names.
"Don't respond to your name today.
Respond to the name
that we're gonna call you."
Okay, now, my wife don't do any of this.
By-- by the way, my wife
would not give fake names.
She would give the Social Security card,
the fingerprints, the wiring information,
steal it, take it all.
So, my daughter's name is Sarafina.
At the park, her name is Laura.
Now, the guy goes, "Laura."
My wife's like...
"There's no Laura here."
I go, "Shut up,
they're gonna murder our family.
"Just assume the name Anastasia.
Okay, and Anastasia's here."
Now, we walk in,
start looking around at people.
It's all I do, is look at people.
Anywhere I go, at the airport,
I was at the airport this week,
I honed in on a guy.
You ever hone in on people?
Start making up a story
about the person in your head?
I'm looking at this guy going,
"How the hell did this guy book a ticket?"
Just-- just on the look alone. Just...
Like, how did you make it
through the Expedia web page
to get to the purchase ticket icon?
You did it tonight.
When you were sitting here tonight,
you were looking at people walk in, right?
Don't tell me you didn't start
talking to your wife,
going, "Look at this shit
that just walked in.
Look at this guy."
We decided in Universal
to go one of these
hibachi places where they, uh,
where they grill
right in front of you, alright?
I figured it'd be fun for the kids,
the kids never been to one.
If you don't know what, like,
a hibachi is, they start whipping,
they just start
whipping shrimp at your head
and you're supposed to catch it
in your mouth.
Now...
We're 20 minutes into the meal,
there's no food in here.
I told the chef, I go, "Guy, let's get--
"Come on, let's-- let's get going
with the shrimp here.
"My son has got his mouth open
for 20 minutes,
there's-- there's no shrimp in it."
He's like, "No, we don't do that anymore."
I go, "Why not?"
He goes, "Well, a few years back,
"the chef threw a shrimp at somebody,
"they went to go get it,
they fell off the chair
and broke their neck and died."
I-- "Wh-- what?"
"Yeah, they sued the place.
Now, we can't..."
It's always one person that fucks it up
for the rest of us, right?
'Cause this guy couldn't
catch the shrimp in his head...
now my son's gotta eat off a plate.
And if that happened in my family,
we would make fun of the guy who died.
At holiday parties you go,
"Remember when Frank
tried to jump and get the...
"Fuckin' died? Remember that?
Yeah, what an asshole."
That-- that's it. Nobody sues anybody.
You just-- you-- you lost.
You know? I mean...
So, we're going through the park.
We hit the Harry Potter village.
I don't know. Weird.
I know we got Harry Potter.
I-- listen, I haven't read one book.
I haven't seen the movie.
Alright? But I'm looking
around Harry Potter world.
Weird. Weird people at Harry Potter world.
Guy walking around
with a cape, a hat, a magic stick.
He come up to my family,
"Hello, everybody! Hello!"
And he didn't even work there.
He came to the park as a wizard. I...
Anybody in his family tell him,
"John, you can't do this anymore!
"You're 68 years old!
Come home! We need you, John."
Now, after that, we go to a play.
It's in the middle of the park.
We sit down on a bench.
I start goofing around with my son.
We roughhouse, me and him.
Give him a couple shots to the ribs.
And as I'm doing this,
I feel a guy sit next to me, right?
I'm like, "Oh, God."
You ever have somebody sit next to you
but you don't wanna look at 'em?
You kinda give 'em a,
you know, a little side eye?
See...
Maybe-- maybe it happened tonight.
Maybe somebody sat next to you
and you wanted to see what--
you know, who they were, or what--
so you, you know,
go down and fiddle with your shoe.
And then...
and then come up. "Oh, okay, yeah."
So, I sized this guy's whole family up.
Three daughters, a wife.
He's in his mid-40s.
Starts talking to me.
He's right in on me, right?
Right in. Like we came
to the park together.
Starts talking to me, he's like,
"What time does this--
what time does this start?"
This guy's got no teeth. No teeth!
Now, all I'm saying
is prioritize your life!
You don't go to Universal...
and then get teeth!
You get teeth...
then you go to Universal!
The teeth cost as much as the tickets!
God bless Chicago, I love you.
Thank you for coming to the show tonight.
It Ain't Right!
Thank you.
It Ain't Right
It Ain't Right
Unh, turn up the bass
It Ain't Right
How was that?
- Hey-hey! Hey-hey! Hey-hey!
- Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!
Daddy!
It Ain't Right!
It Ain't Right
It Ain't Right
Unh, turn up the bass
It Ain't Right
Unh, turn up the bass
Give it up for Chicago, huh?
So, I haven't, uh,
been to Chicago recently,
the actual city,
so today I took a walk around.
What happened?
Looks like an apocalypse out there.
You're walking around Chicago,
you wanna take a piss?
Take a piss!
Is anybody in charge?
So, I had a pretty good year.
I, uh, took in the Olympics
over the summer.
I don't know if anybody saw the Olympics.
Yeah?
I don't know if anybody saw the guy
knock the pole over with his dick.
If you don't know
what I'm talking about,
there was a pole vaulter who went up,
and on his way down,
"Poof," knocked the pole over
with his dick.
Now...
I've never knocked anything over...
with my dick. I...
My wife has never told me,
"Honey, you knocked over the pitcher
of water with your dick again."
"Oh, I'm sorry. It's a...
"Let me tape it to my leg.
"This is getting ridiculous.
"I'm sorry you have to live with this.
"This is a shame.
Constantly in the way."
I even took
in the Para-Olympics this year.
Alright? Yeah, I thought it was exciting.
You wanna feel lazy about yourself?
Watch the Para-Olympics.
I was watching swimming.
Guy had no legs and no arms.
I-It's kinda what you need
to do the sport.
Now, I'm sitting there
in my underwear eating popcorn,
watching a guy swim with his eyelashes.
I had a Fourth of July party this year.
Now, I don't like having parties
'cause everybody
starts to call and ask,
"What can we bring?"
The standard response is, "Nothing.
We got it. Just bring yourself," right?
But then when they show up,
they got nothing.
You're like, "Look at this shit.
They didn't got nothing."
To be honest, I don't like
when people bring stuff.
I don't like when people
make food at their house
and bring it to my house.
Right? As soon as they get out
of the car, it's leaking.
Everything's leaking.
There's a trail of juice
from their car to my door.
The food is always unidentifiable.
Always comes in a clear bowl.
You have to ask, "Oh, what is..."
What... What...
"What is that?"
"Oh, it's marshmallow, cinnamon, chicken."
"Chicken?"
"Yeah, where would you like me to put it?"
"Near the garbage.
"It's gonna go right from the table,
"right into the hefty bag,
right to the corner.
I don't think anybody's gonna
eat your cinna-chicken today."
And I had about 20 kids there,
and these kids today,
they have no problem talking to adults.
Growing up, I was scared of other adults.
These kids today
come right up to you, and rude.
Eight years old, the kid's like,
"Where's my burger?"
I'm like, "Hey, get the fuck away
from me, kid.
I don't even like your parents."
And the parents aren't even
patrolling the behavior.
Now, when I'm at a party
and I got my kids with me,
I got an ear on what my kids
are doing at all times.
If I don't hear a "please"
and "thank you," I go,
"Hey, wake up or we're gonna
get the fuck outta here, alright?
Please and thank you. Hello, we're here."
Alright, that's it.
Handled.
He was complaining I didn't have
fireworks at the party, alright?
I had fireworks that we could see,
but they weren't over our head.
He's like, "Where's all the fireworks?"
I said, "Listen, I grew up in the '80s.
"You know what we had? We had a sparkler.
This-- this was what we were doing."
We had snakes.
I don't know if you remember s--
you lit a snake.
There was ash coming out of your driveway.
You thought it was the coolest thing.
Also watched some TV this summer,
caught up on some TV.
We're not the TV couple, my wife and I.
We don't watch a lot of TV.
I'm sure everybody knows a couple,
that's, that's all they do,
telling you what to watch.
Right, you see 'em, they're like,
"Oh, my God..."
"have you seen..."
"Have you seen The Menendez Bro...
"You gotta wait till the fifth episode
and then it really..."
We try to catch up on so-- uh, TV.
My-- my kids don't go to camp
or anything like that.
They don't go to sleepaway camp.
I know that that's popular
in some families.
They send their kids
for four weeks to sleepaway camp.
Now, if you come from an immigrant family
during the summer,
you don't go nowhere!
N-Nothing.
I asked my father growing up,
I go, "What am I doing this summer?"
He's like, "You're in the backyard.
Go in the backyard for three months."
"What?" That was-- that was it.
I was in the backyard bored, just...
Nothing to do.
Just running from side to side.
Just...
They had a little pool back there.
It wasn't even a pool, it was like
a mosquito larva hatching nest.
Weird stuff happens
at sleepaway camp, alright?
Kid comes back after four weeks,
now all of a sudden they know
how to jerk someone off with their feet.
Fuck that. The kid ain't going to camp.
Get in the yard,
dig a hole, get in the pool.
That's it.
Now, my wife and I can't agree
on what to watch.
At the end of a long day,
I wanna watch something
that has like some--
like a gun or--
like a Equalizer, Denzel Washington.
"Oh, yeah, what's going on here?"
That's what I wanna see.
She's like, "You wanna watch
Love Is Blind?"
Oh, yeah, I would love
to watch Love Is Blind!
Fifty-one years old.
"I don't think so, babe."
Sometimes we will end up on random stuff.
We-- we're watching this,
uh, Jeffrey Dahmer.
Uh, yeah, no, that's a good one to watch
right before you go to bed.
Uplifting positive message.
If you don't know who Jeffrey Dahmer was,
he was eating people in the late '80s.
Turn it on.
He would lure men
back to his apartment, right?
Guy would come in, and it smelled.
The apartment smelled, right?
'Cause he was eating people.
So, the guy, as soon
as he walked in, he'd be like...
"What is this smell?"
And Dahmer's just sitting in his kitchen.
"I had some bad pork chops last night.
Bad, bad pork chops."
Now, I'm sorry, I-I go into, uh,
an apartment and it stinks, I leave.
I don't stick around
for a Schlitz to find out why.
I'm out.
Now, my wife is the pause-it wife.
I got the pause-it wife
constantly asking me to pause the program.
Twenty minutes in,
she's like, "Could you pause it?"
"Ah. Okay, what is it?
What-- what are we gonna talk about?"
She's like, "You wanna take the kids
to Disney World this year?"
"What?
"How did Mickey Mouse pop in your head...
watching this?"
'Nother 20 minutes,
"Could you pause it?"
"Okay, now what?"
She's like, "I don't understand
what's going on here."
"He's eating... people!
"There's not a lot of plot twists, babe.
"I don't know what to tell you.
"He got hungry. He ate a head last night.
I d-- I-- that's the movie. I..."
Then, I heard a big bang in the house.
My wife never hears anything in the house.
It was a big bang.
It was like boom, boom, right?
I go, "You hear that?"
She goes, "No.
You-- you think it was the TV?"
I said, "No, it's on pause."
"Look, there's an Amazon guy
doing a drop-off at midnight."
I'm sorry, this is a little aggressive
to be coming to people's houses
with nine boxes at midnight, right?
I don't know how
this company works, I really don't.
Sometimes
a beautiful Amazon truck pulls up,
says "Amazon" on the side.
Guy gets out, he's fully decorated
in Amazon paraphernalia.
But then, sometimes
a white rape van shows up.
Guy gets out with a yellow traffic vest.
I asked him, I go, "You work for Amazon?"
He's like,
"No, I'm a-- I'm a..."
"You know where I live?
How did you get here?"
I mean, who's packing
these boxes? You ever get--
'Cause no one even knows
what they're ordering anymore.
Stuff just comes.
I think Amazon is just sending us shit
just to see if we send it back. I...
I got an aquarium the other day.
I'm like, "Alright, I--
Somebody must have ordered an aqua--"
I-- I brought it in.
I set it up. I set it up in the basement.
My wife comes home, she's like,
"Why is there an aquarium
in the basement?"
I go, "You didn't order that?"
She's like, "No," I said, "Fuck it,
we'll leave it, looks good, I like it.
Get on Amazon, get some fish,
they got fish, right?"
I don't know who packs the boxes.
Sometimes a big box shows up.
You open it up,
one dental floss with airbags.
Who packed it?
No one knows how this works.
Look at your credit card.
They don't even itemize the items.
It just says, "Amazon Marketplace"
for 98 pages.
Uh, y-- and you pay it like an idiot.
You're like, "Alright, we must
have spent four grand on Tide.
Send it." I don't know what to tell you.
This Jeff Bezos is amazing.
This guy's a genius. A genius.
You ever look at, uh,
Bezos 30 years ago
when this guy came on the scene
for the first time?
The guy was a complete nerd. A nerd!
Pale white, oversized suit,
barely hanging onto his hair.
Had some weird laugh then.
They interviewed him 30 years ago.
They're like,
"What is your company doing?"
He's like, "Well, I sell books
out of my garage over the Internet."
And they laughed.
They're like, "He's selling books?
Hasn't he ever heard of Borders?"
Now, look at him.
You take a look at Bezos now.
Guy is beautiful.
Ripped to shreds, tan, designer clothes,
on his super yacht
in the Mediterranean
and the boxes... keep... comin'!
What is this... [chuckles] guy doing?
He's eating pasta off the Amalfi Coast
and I'm getting aquariums.
Delivery trucks show up
all day at your house
and they cause different emotions
depending on what truck.
FedEx pulls up,
everybody gets worried, right?
We're getting sued.
Paperwork is coming FedEx,
"from the law offices of."
You ask your wife, "What is this?"
She's like, "I didn't think I hit him."
"What?"
UPS pulls up, exciting.
It's an electronic,
it's a-- it's an iPhone, it's a laptop,
it's a Samsung TV set.
It's important, whatever it is.
You gotta be there to sign for it.
And if you're not,
they-- they leave a note on your door
telling you, you fucked up.
But on the bottom, they tell you,
"We're gonna give you
one more chance.
"We're coming back tomorrow
at two o'clock.
"Get your shit together.
Someone's gotta be here
or it's going back to Taiwan."
Everybody's anxious.
They're like,
"Who's taking off work tomorrow?
They're coming back! Take the sick day!"
Amazon don't play around with that.
No note, no nothing.
They'll throw the box...
right over the bush.
They'll take a picture.
"Let's go. Bezos needs fuel.
"Be-- Bezos needs fuel.
"He's in Ibiza. Forget it.
Who cares if it breaks?"
I don't know, maybe I'm looking
at things from, you know,
I'm 51 now, just turned 51 this summer.
Yeah.
And listen, I just--
I can't do things that I used to do.
Listen, I used to be--
I used to be able to put my socks on.
Standing up. No problem.
Now I gotta sit on the edge of my bed
and hope to God...
hope to God my ankle rests
on my knee long enough.
I'm bringing body parts to me.
Then, I gotta take the sock,
I gotta roll it.
I gotta roll it
into a doughnut, alright?
'Cause I got sciatic pain
ripping down my right leg.
I don't have enough strength
in my right leg
to fight through an open sock.
I gotta roll it on like a condom.
I'm putting my socks on like a rubber.
What's happening to me?
I'm constantly exhausted, tired.
Is anybody getting up
in the morning refreshed?
- No.
- Is anybody getting out of bed going,
"Whoa, I had a great sleep!"
I get up, I feel worse
than when I went to bed.
I'm like, "Did I sleep last night?
What the hell happened?"
I'm waking up my wife
with the sounds coming out of my body.
Three o'clock in the morning, she's like,
"Are you eating potato chips?"
"What?
"No, that's my knees
extending onto the floor
"for my ninth piss.
"Go back to bed, babe.
I didn't bring a can of Pringles
into the bed."
And speaking of going to the bathroom,
I took my son to the bathroom
at a restaurant,
and I was watching him go.
I was jealous
at the strength of his stream.
He was chipping porcelain
off the back of the bowl.
I get up in the middle of the night,
my dick is inverted.
I can't find it, right?
And when I go to the bathroom,
it's two streams.
I'm-- I need two toilets now.
I'm pissing mist!
I went to the doctor, he said,
I have a mild case
of sleep apnea, alright?
He said, "You need to start sleeping
with sleep tape over your mouth."
This is where I'm at.
I'm in bed with my wife,
and I have to tap her before we go to bed,
and I have to ask her,
"Babe, do you need...
"Do you need to talk anymore
"because I'm gonna duct tape my mouth shut
so I don't pass away in my sleep."
"What?"
I look like a hostage
in a cave in Afghanistan.
If someone came to rob my house,
they would look at me and go,
"Someone was already here. Let's go.
"Let's go. There's nothing left.
They tied him up.
"He's got a gag in his mouth. Let's go.
We're done."
It's even affected my love life, right?
My wife, the other night,
got up in the middle of the night.
She's like, "Ah, what?"
"What?" You know?
And I'm like, hold on, let me take...
During lovemaking,
I'm getting-- I'm getting charley horses.
This-- do you ever have this happen?
Right-- right in the middle, I'm like,
"God, get off! Oh, my God!
I can't. I can't get
rid of it, babe, I..." Right?
This is what she's looking at,
fully erect, walking around,
walking around the bedroom, right?
You ca-- you can't come back after that.
You can't get back in the-- in the bed
and, "Okay, come on, get on, get on top."
She's like, "That's alright,
we'll-- we'll do it next month.
"I'm-- I'm good, I-- I just,
I can't unsee what I just saw,
I don't know what the hell's going on,
but... we're good."
I ruptured my bicep,
went to the doctor for that.
He's like, "Oh, yeah, no, you ruptured it.
What'd you do?"
I was like, "I don't know. Woke up.
Woke up, had a hole in my arm.
"Shit's snapping off
in the middle of the night, Doc.
I'm not lifting any heavy stuff.
I don't know what's going on."
He's like, "Well, how long
have you had that?"
I said, "I don't know.
I don't look in a mirror anymore."
If you're in your 20s or 30s,
you're living in a mirror.
You can't wait, right?
You're like, "Oh, my God, can you..."
You're north of 50?
Every eight weeks, you catch a glance.
You're like,
"What the fuck is this?"
You ever look
at yourself in the mirror
and just-- I mean naked,
and-- and just take it in?
I was looking, my belly button
is not centered
with the rest of my body anymore.
It's off to the left, it collapsed.
I don't know what happened.
I asked my wife, I go, "Babe..."
And she's like, "Yeah, no,
that's been that way for a year."
"What? You don't tell...
You don't tell me
my belly button left?"
I used to have a beautiful ass.
Beautiful, right?
You ever catch your backside?
I was in a hotel room
looking in the mirror.
I caught my backside.
I thought somebody else was in the room!
No ass, gone.
It-- it bleeds into my hamstrings.
My crack, no crack anymore.
Disappeared into my nuts.
My crack is gone!
It's a slow decay.
And it's not gonna get any better.
This-- it's all going downhill.
We were on vacation, right?
I was sitting there on the beach.
I got one kid on this side,
one kid on that side.
My wife's like, "Oh, my God,
this is such a beautiful picture.
Let me take a photo of you." Right?
She snaps it, I look at it, right?
I have, I don't know,
it's like an udder.
It's like a-- it's like an orangutan tit.
I don't know when this happened.
I used to have a beautiful chest plate.
I got orangutan tits now.
I just refuse to believe
this is what 51 feels like.
I have to have something,
like a disease or something, right?
I went to a rheumatologist.
And, listen, I don't even like
going to the doctor.
I-- I really don't. It's the same thing
every time with the clipboard.
Go over there,
fill it out for four hours, right?
Two-hundred and eighty-five
pages of questions.
There's one question,
"How many alcoholic beverages
- do you consume in one week?"
- Whoo!
The first answer is one glass.
Who circles that?
I don't know anybody in my life
that's doing one glass a week,
especially in Chicago.
You guys are drinking constantly, right?
Oh, yeah.
Every time I call my friends in Chicago,
"What are you doing?"
"Fuckin' hammered, bro.
"Fuckin' hammered!
Can't see shit."
It's noon on a Tuesday.
So, I go into the doctor, and it's weird.
They come out,
and they ask you to come in.
They say, your name is Sebastian.
"Okay. Here I come. Okay."
I always go the wrong way,
like I know.
I'm like, "Alright, this way?
No. Okay. I'm sorry. This way?"
I have no memory anymore.
No memory. Gone.
The-- the nurse is like,
"Just go down the double doors,
take a left and at the--"
"Hey, let's...
Let me write this down.
I lost you at double doors."
Gone.
I walk in, they got that smock.
I always put it on like a robe.
I always put it on
so everything is exposed.
And I don't sit, I just walk around.
I just walk around the doctor's office.
Nurse comes in, she's like,
"Oh, my God, please, just, no.
That-- it goes the other way, sir."
I go, "Okay, but I have no crack.
"Just so you know,
this might be a better view.
"'Cause the backside, nothing.
It's just a pancake right into the legs."
She's like, "We're gonna need some urine."
I'm like, "God, I don't like
the urine sample." Right?
It's tough, you go in there, right?
There's a fill line,
there's a lot of pressure
to fill that thing up.
And generally speaking,
I don't look at my own urine.
I go, I flush, I leave.
But when you put it in a cup,
you-- you know, you...
You tend to take a glance.
And I gotta tell you
people something, my sample?
Beautiful!
Like Pinot Grigio!
Uh, no foam on it, nothing.
You could read a newspaper
right through the glass,
really proud of it.
And then there's no way
you could look cool
coming out of the doctor's office
holding your own urine.
There's-- you-- you turn into
a completely different human being, right?
You walk out, you're like,
"I got my pee-pee.
"Where do I put my pee-pee?
You told me to make pee-pee for you,
so here's my pee-pee cup."
You ever try handing it
to a nurse?
Like, "No, we don't take the piss!
"Please!
Put it over there with the rest."
Right?
Now, I'm sorry, I don't think
everybody's urine should be on display
for other patients to see, right?
I put mine next to a guy's
that looked like scotch!
Scotch. Scotch.
Like, I'm like,
I don't know what he's got,
but I think I'm gonna be okay.
Mine looks good.
This looks like death, alright?
If I'm pissing scotch,
I don't even hand that in.
I throw it back in the bowl.
I don't even bother.
I tell everybody, "I'm gonna
go die in my sleep tonight."
I'm not handing in root beer as a sample.
So, the school year started about,
I don't know, a month and a half ago.
Right? Taking the kids to school.
That's what I like to do.
I like to take 'em
in the morning with my wife.
Now, first day of school...
I knew there was not gonna be
a lot of parking near the school.
It's in a residential area.
So, that morning I was planning
in my head where to park, alright?
This is what men do
prior to getting into a vehicle
with their family.
We're planning.
You probably did it tonight.
And most men drive the car.
I-- I am in control
of the driving duties in my family.
And I think I speak
for everybody in the room,
generally speaking, ladies,
okay, generally.
Take it easy.
Men tend to drive,
and the lady
is in the passenger seat.
Am-- am I accurate by saying that?
Okay.
Like-- like, guy, did you drive tonight?
Yes. Guy, you drive?
No, of course. The guy...
The one guy I pick on,
"No, I sat in the bitch seat tonight,
"and my-- my wife-- my wife
generally drives me everywhere,
'cause I have no nuts."
I-- it's okay, guy. It's-- it's okay.
Don't worry about it.
But most...
If I went around the room...
I would predict 90% of the men drive.
Now, we don't have
this discussion in my household.
It's-- everybody has
assigned seats in the car.
We don't-- me and my wife
are not in the driveway
debating, "You wanna drive tonight?"
"Wanna drive?" "No."
No, we go and we leave.
Now, first day of school...
the parking was gonna be awful.
It's in a residential area.
So, while I was at the house,
I was trying to figure out
where I was going to park.
This is what men do, ladies.
We're-- we're looking
into the future, right?
And sometimes we don't respond to you.
A lot of women complain,
when they talk
to their boyfriend or husband,
that they don't get a response, right?
It's because we're thinking.
Like, my wife came down
and she started asking questions.
She's like,
"Do you wanna leave at 8:00?"
I didn't even hear it.
I'm sitting there going,
"Now, if I take a right on the street..."
Like, you probably did it tonight,
you're like,
"Okay, if I take
the Kennedy at this hour..."
This is what men are doing, we're trying
to plan out where we're going.
Now, we get into the car.
Now, my wife has driven,
she just-- she just
doesn't know how to drive.
Believe me, she thinks she knows.
My wife likes to talk to me
while she drives.
Now, when I'm driving,
I talk to the windshield, right?
She talks to me, and I go,
"Yeah, I think we should maybe go
to your mother's for Christmas."
Right? But my wife, she talks,
she's like, "You know what, we should..."
And she's hitting shit,
she's taking out...
She took out a recycling bin, right?
I'm like, "Jesus!"
She didn't even see it,
she didn't even know she hit it!
I go, "You hit it!"
And she's like, "I did?"
"Yeah, you did! Get your foot
off the air conditioner!"
She's got her foot up by the air,
what is that?
So, my plan was to park
four blocks away
and we would walk in.
Now, at four blocks,
I turn to my wife, I go,
"Just, you know, walk in. Yeah?
Let's just walk in.
Not gonna be anything up there."
She's like, "No, no, you go up there. No.
There'll be spots. There'll be spots."
Now, I've been married 11 years.
I don't even respond to that.
Five years in,
I would have responded to that.
Now I have a conversation in my head...
of what I wanna say.
I wanted to say,
"There's not gonna be nothing up there!"
Right, that's what I wanted to say.
But what she saw was just...
"Yeah, okay.
There? Up there? Yeah."
Nothing. There's nothing.
So, we get in the car...
and on the weekends, you gotta figure out
what to do with the kids.
Where are we going?
Where are we gonna kill time?
Right? Went to the zoo, right?
And the zoo generally is--
is boring, but you have to go.
We go up to pay, right?
My wife wants the package.
Any membership,
my wife wants everything.
She's like, "Let's just
get the year membership."
I go, "Babe, this is the only time
we're ever coming to the zoo."
When the kids are in their 30s,
they're gonna go,
"Remember that one time
we went to the zoo?
"This is it. This is the one time.
I'm not coming back here."
Zoo's boring.
There's nothing to do there.
Listen, and I know some of you
are going, "How dare you?
"How dare you support... the zoo?
"Those are wild animals.
They are in captivity,
and you're supporting that?"
Listen, I get it. I understand.
But I need four hours to kill,
so we're gonna go look at sad animals.
I don't know what to tell you.
Half of the animals
aren't even in the cage.
I went to go look at the bears.
I asked the guy, I go, "Where's the bear?"
He's like, "Nah, he ain't--
he ain't in today."
"He ain't in? What'd he take the day off?
"He didn't come to work?
He's back there. Isn't he...
Wh-what is he..."
"Nah, he's in the back.
He's getting his shots.
He's getting his vaccines."
I said, "Okay, bring that out here."
I wanna see that, alright?
Maybe he gets mad.
He takes a claw to the guy's face.
I wanna see somebody
get their head ripped off
for $90 a head.
"Bring out the bear, guy."
No. We go to the Los Angeles Zoo,
and I don't know what's going on.
Budget cuts or what?
There's shit missing at the zoo.
There's...
We-- we went to-- we went to go look
at the kangaroo exhibit.
I thought there was gonna be
a 20-foot fence
between us and the kangaroo. Nothing.
Couple bushes, us and a kangaroo
just staring right at us.
And this thing wasn't even hopping.
It was just-- it was just walking around.
Just walking around the cage.
My son's like,
"Why isn't it hopping, Daddy?"
I said, "I don't know.
They must have snipped off his hamstrings
'cause they can't afford the fence."
He's walking around
like he's at a nightclub.
What the hell's going on here?
Went to go feed the giraffes.
I told my kids, alright,
I said, "Grab the salad.
Start feeding this thing. Come on."
This is how I address them.
I don't-- I don't play the whole...
"Let's go feed the giraffe!"
No.
"Get it, let's go, I'm bored.
Come on, I wanna get outta here."
They start feeding this thing,
guy comes out that works there,
he's like, "Ah, excuse me,
hey, excuse me, sir,
that's $15 dollars per kid
to feed the giraffe."
I go, "Guy, don't nickel and dime me
on the giraffe feed.
"They're your giraffes.
You're gonna charge me
to feed your giraffe?"
I said, "Drop the salad.
Let's get out of here. It's a scam.
"The whole thing's a scam.
"Keep it moving.
Let's go home."
'Nother thing we did over the summer,
we went to Universal Studios, alright?
No, nothin' "whoo!"
Listen, I don't--
I don't buy tickets anywhere.
I just go and do point of sale. Right?
I go to the parking garage,
I pull up to the cabin,
guy's yelling, "Seventy dollars.
Seventy dollars!"
That's not a normal price for parking.
You don't shout that
from a cabin, alright?
It it's $70, you come out
of the cabin, you apologize.
"I'm sorry, this is criminal,
what they're doing to people.
"I don't blame you if you leave,
I'm just trying to feed my family."
That's what I wanna hear
on a $70 charge.
Now, my wife has no price sensitivity.
I tap her, I go,
"This guy's charging $70."
She's like,
"Shut up, pay it, just pay it."
And I took out cash, and by the way,
you take out cash nowadays,
it's like kryptonite.
This kid was in his early 20s,
he's like, "What is that?"
I said, "It's money,
it's used for goods and services."
He's like, "We don't--
we don't have a register,
I can't even...
You got a Zelle or a Venmo?"
I go, "No, I don't got Venmo!
I got this. I..."
No, some people do Venmo.
Maybe you went out to dinner
before the show,
somebody paid,
and then the rest of the group said,
"No, we'll Venmo you later."
"No, you pay me now!" Right?
You...
You could leave here tonight
and wrap yourself around a tree.
Where does that leave me?
Out 300 for the dinner.
Now, I gotta go to your funeral
and talk to your family
and tell them, "Listen...
"You know, the night he died,
he was gonna...
"he was gonna Venmo me three-- $300.
"So, if you could just
settle up with me
"right here near the casket,
"I'll-- I'll be on my way.
"Uh, sorry for your loss,
"but, uh, he had a lot, some lamb chops
"and a appetizer that night
that was expensive,
you know, and, uh,
died on a full stomach, but..."
So, I pay the guy, right,
and I'm going up the ramp.
Of course, I can't let it go.
I gotta talk to my wife about it.
Uh, I can't believe $70.
Trying to figure out how much
they're making on parking.
You ever do that? You ever go,
"How many spots you think
each level's got?
I wanna multiply it by 70."
Of course, she's telling me where to park.
Don't tell us where to park, ladies.
We know where we're going.
We're going away from everything.
My wife's always trying
to tell me to get-- get in there.
No, even if we fit in there,
we would all have to exit
through the sunroof
because the doors won't open, babe.
Let me just find a bigger spot.
Now, we get out of the car,
my daughter looks up at me,
she goes, "Daddy, could I get
on your shoulders?"
Now, listen...
I'm not gonna deprive
my beautiful daughter
of a ride on her father's shoulders,
but I got problems.
So, I'm like, "Yeah, no, of course.
"You wanna get on-- you wanna get on...
Argh."
I said, "Get on.
Get on Daddy's shoulders."
Now, as soon as she gets on, in my head,
I'm like, "There's no way.
There's no way I'm getting up from this."
And my wife is walking
with my son into the elevator
like she married
a 35-year-old man.
And I'm screaming,
"Get back, I can't get up! Come back!"
Now, my wife has a problem with my tone.
She runs back, she's like,
"What, are you crazy?
What, are you nuts?
Yelling across a parking lot at me?"
I go, babe, "How would you
like me to address you...
"in these situations?
What do you want me to do?
W-what do you want me..."
"Hey, babe, hey, babe.
"Co-- come back here, you silly goose.
"Oh, no, I just need some help.
I have a torn right meniscus.
"I have vertebra displacement,
a pinched nerve.
"Come on, now.
Just looking for help, babe. Golly!"
So, we go up to the booth
to pay at Universal, alright?
Now, I got no tickets, nothing.
The guy working is half alive.
Half alive.
Right? He's playing a video game.
Again, in his early 20s.
And everybody's worried
about AI and robots.
"Oh, they're gonna take the jobs."
Let 'em.
I don't wanna deal
with this shit anymore.
Alright? I don't want to deal
with a 21-year-old kid
with an attitude, alright?
Every time you go,
you ask a question, you get an eye roll.
Uhh!
I'd rather have a,
"Eh, right away, sir,
let me go get your ticket, sir.
Here's your ticket, sir. Enjoy your day."
That's what I want now.
And listen, I'm not transactional.
I goof around with the guy.
I'm sarcastic.
Nobody gets sarcasm anymore.
I went up to the guy, I go,
"You got an hour pass?
I'll rip through the park in one hour."
He's like, "No, we don't got that."
Ah... Forget-- forget connecting
with this kid. Forget it.
I go, "I got a son here. He's five.
Could he ride any of these rides?"
He's like, "I don't know.
Is that your son?"
"Yeah, this is him.
I brought him. He's right here."
He's like, "I don't know, he's short.
How tall? How tall is he?"
This tall, guy, you're looking
right at him, alright?
I didn't measure him
before we came here.
Alright? I barely got his socks on.
Him and I have a problem
putting on our socks.
So, I don't know. I'm 5'10".
What's this? Two feet? He's two feet.
You got anything for two-footers
behind the gates?
Come on, guy.
Get off the fentanyl and let me in.
Alright?
I don't know what you're on,
but I ain't on anything.
I'm on a... time clock. Let's go.
So, he goes, "Uh, we got,
uh, we got an express pass."
I said, okay,
now we're talking my language.
Express, fast. What's your--
I asked him, "What's your idea of express?
Might be a lot different than mine?"
My idea of an express pass,
soon as you get to the ride, poof.
You're up. You're on it.
You're in the air.
You ain't waiting for nobody.
No line, no nothing.
Right past Make-A-Wish.
"Hi, how you doing?
"I got my express pass. Where do I go?
"I paid 90 extra for the express pass.
Where is the ride? Bring it down."
Right? That's what I...
That's what I'm looking for.
That was a joke.
Listen, I would never do that.
I would never hurdle a Make-A-Wish kid.
I would never do that.
Have we all thought about it?
Yeah. That's why it's...
So, I said, "Just forget it.
Just ring me up
for whatever the hell you got, okay?"
Now, I had a price in my head
what the thing was gonna cost.
Right? He's like,
"It's gonna be 1,900."
Nineteen hundred dollars?
I was thinking 250 tops
for a family of four
to look at a minion and go home.
This guy hits me with two grand.
Listen, alright, just ring it up, alright?
What am I gonna do?
I paid 70 on the parking.
What am I gonna do?
I'm-- I'm 70 in.
What, I go back to my car
and lose the 70?
No, let's spend--
let's spend the two grand.
So, he's like, "I'm gonna need
everybody's first and last name."
What is with this personal information
on transactions?
They do this at Target.
You ring something up,
"Zip code, please."
Why? You gonna murder my family tonight?
Just ring up the toothbrush, guy.
You don't need my address.
And you don't ask Italian people
for personal information.
We get very nervous
when strangers
start asking us stuff like that.
That's why Italians,
we give fake names, if we ever...
First and last, I give-- the whole family
got a fake name now.
Now, he prints the tickets,
and on the tickets
are the fake names.
And I'm thinking, "Shit, this could be
a problem moving forward, right?"
Now, I take the tickets,
we go up to the turnstile, right?
Now, my family is unaware
that their names have changed.
Now, if my wife was paying--
see, my wife never pays attention
to what I'm doing.
Now, if my wife was paying
and she was giving fake names,
I would be in on that.
I'm like, "Okay, fake names today."
Fake names?
I would tell the kids,
"You got fake names.
"Don't respond to your name today.
Respond to the name
that we're gonna call you."
Okay, now, my wife don't do any of this.
By-- by the way, my wife
would not give fake names.
She would give the Social Security card,
the fingerprints, the wiring information,
steal it, take it all.
So, my daughter's name is Sarafina.
At the park, her name is Laura.
Now, the guy goes, "Laura."
My wife's like...
"There's no Laura here."
I go, "Shut up,
they're gonna murder our family.
"Just assume the name Anastasia.
Okay, and Anastasia's here."
Now, we walk in,
start looking around at people.
It's all I do, is look at people.
Anywhere I go, at the airport,
I was at the airport this week,
I honed in on a guy.
You ever hone in on people?
Start making up a story
about the person in your head?
I'm looking at this guy going,
"How the hell did this guy book a ticket?"
Just-- just on the look alone. Just...
Like, how did you make it
through the Expedia web page
to get to the purchase ticket icon?
You did it tonight.
When you were sitting here tonight,
you were looking at people walk in, right?
Don't tell me you didn't start
talking to your wife,
going, "Look at this shit
that just walked in.
Look at this guy."
We decided in Universal
to go one of these
hibachi places where they, uh,
where they grill
right in front of you, alright?
I figured it'd be fun for the kids,
the kids never been to one.
If you don't know what, like,
a hibachi is, they start whipping,
they just start
whipping shrimp at your head
and you're supposed to catch it
in your mouth.
Now...
We're 20 minutes into the meal,
there's no food in here.
I told the chef, I go, "Guy, let's get--
"Come on, let's-- let's get going
with the shrimp here.
"My son has got his mouth open
for 20 minutes,
there's-- there's no shrimp in it."
He's like, "No, we don't do that anymore."
I go, "Why not?"
He goes, "Well, a few years back,
"the chef threw a shrimp at somebody,
"they went to go get it,
they fell off the chair
and broke their neck and died."
I-- "Wh-- what?"
"Yeah, they sued the place.
Now, we can't..."
It's always one person that fucks it up
for the rest of us, right?
'Cause this guy couldn't
catch the shrimp in his head...
now my son's gotta eat off a plate.
And if that happened in my family,
we would make fun of the guy who died.
At holiday parties you go,
"Remember when Frank
tried to jump and get the...
"Fuckin' died? Remember that?
Yeah, what an asshole."
That-- that's it. Nobody sues anybody.
You just-- you-- you lost.
You know? I mean...
So, we're going through the park.
We hit the Harry Potter village.
I don't know. Weird.
I know we got Harry Potter.
I-- listen, I haven't read one book.
I haven't seen the movie.
Alright? But I'm looking
around Harry Potter world.
Weird. Weird people at Harry Potter world.
Guy walking around
with a cape, a hat, a magic stick.
He come up to my family,
"Hello, everybody! Hello!"
And he didn't even work there.
He came to the park as a wizard. I...
Anybody in his family tell him,
"John, you can't do this anymore!
"You're 68 years old!
Come home! We need you, John."
Now, after that, we go to a play.
It's in the middle of the park.
We sit down on a bench.
I start goofing around with my son.
We roughhouse, me and him.
Give him a couple shots to the ribs.
And as I'm doing this,
I feel a guy sit next to me, right?
I'm like, "Oh, God."
You ever have somebody sit next to you
but you don't wanna look at 'em?
You kinda give 'em a,
you know, a little side eye?
See...
Maybe-- maybe it happened tonight.
Maybe somebody sat next to you
and you wanted to see what--
you know, who they were, or what--
so you, you know,
go down and fiddle with your shoe.
And then...
and then come up. "Oh, okay, yeah."
So, I sized this guy's whole family up.
Three daughters, a wife.
He's in his mid-40s.
Starts talking to me.
He's right in on me, right?
Right in. Like we came
to the park together.
Starts talking to me, he's like,
"What time does this--
what time does this start?"
This guy's got no teeth. No teeth!
Now, all I'm saying
is prioritize your life!
You don't go to Universal...
and then get teeth!
You get teeth...
then you go to Universal!
The teeth cost as much as the tickets!
God bless Chicago, I love you.
Thank you for coming to the show tonight.
It Ain't Right!
Thank you.
It Ain't Right
It Ain't Right
Unh, turn up the bass
It Ain't Right
How was that?
- Hey-hey! Hey-hey! Hey-hey!
- Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!
Daddy!