Sebastian Maniscalco: What's Wrong with People? (2012) Movie Script

[electronic music playing]
[cheering and applause]
[male announcer] Please welcome
Sebastian Maniscalco.
[cheering and applause]
So good, so good to be here,
man. What a year.
God, if you should know anything
about me, I got a problem...
with people and...
how they behave,
you know?
I kind of grew up with,
like, a list of rules
to kind of live by.
My parents kind of gave me
a book on how to live,
and apparently,
nobody got the book.
Went to Starbucks.
Every day that's all I do,
is I watch people,
and I get upset.
I can't take it.
I'm at the Starbucks.
This woman ordered a scone,
a muffin... I don't know
what the hell it was,
but they gave it
to her in a brown bag.
And then she was eating it.
She was, like, fingering
the muffin out of the bag.
Take it out of the bag!
Get a plate! What the...?
What, are you eating crumbs?
I can't take-- Everywhere
I go there's a problem.
You can't even go to the mall.
I used to go to the mall
all the time.
It was a nice place
to kind of unwind,
but now they got
these little...
These huts in the
middle of the mall.
These little kiosks.
What is this?
I don't buy anything
out of a hut.
I don't even know if the hut's
gonna be there tomorrow
if I have a problem
with the product.
These things are on wheels.
They could be three miles
down the road in no time.
But we used to own that part
of the mall.
That's where we made
decisions, in the middle
of the mall, right?
Remember, you used to go
with your family?
You used to go,
"Where you going?"
"I'm going to Sears.
Where you going?" "JCPenney.
We meet back here in one hour."
Now you can't do that
because you... you see a hut.
You'll be walking with your
girl, and you'll look up there,
you're like, "Oh, come on,
what do we got to put up with?
What is this hut?"
'Cause these people that work
in the huts are aggressive.
These sales techniques
are very aggressive.
You ever get attacked
with cream?
Man, you'll be walking,
and out of nowhere...
[in Middle Eastern accent]
"You want to try cream?
Try cream. Is good, is
from Israel. It's good cream."
It's hand lotion.
They act like they've got
something that
we've never seen before.
Who's trying the cream
and going, "Oh, my God.
I'm soft.
What the hell is this stuff?
You have bottles
of this back there?"
Weird stuff are happening
in these huts.
They're threading eyebrows.
Have you seen this?
A woman is laying down,
and someone's just...
There's eyebrow shrapnel
flying everywhere.
Landing in my Auntie Anne's.
World is changing, man.
After the mall,
I went to Subway.
Why is this a problem,
getting a sandwich?
It's a sandwich.
I got behind a lady, it looked
like it was her
first time out ever.
Just a look of confusion,
Came up to the counter.
"How does this work here?
What do you do?"
It says, "Step one: pick bread."
You don't see that?
How do you make a sandwich
at home?
What, do you start throwing ham
all over the table?
Pick the bread!
Then she saw the condiments, her
head almost popped off her body.
She was sitting there,
looking at the condiments,
telling the guy,
"Not that tomato, no,
the third one underneath
that one on the side.
I want that tomato."
It's not a puppy.
Making up the-- there's rules
at Subway you got to follow.
This woman's like, "I don't want
any of the cucumbers or olives,
so double up on the turkey."
It don't work that way.
The sandwich is five dollars.
There's a net profit
of four cents on that.
And you want double meat
for no veg?
And I feel for the guy
working there.
Got to sit there and listen
to this all day.
He's like...
[in Hispanic accent]
"I can't do it, I can't do it.
They got cameras, they're
looking at me, come on!
What do you want?"
I got no patience for this.
Just keep it moving.
When you're out,
just, just keep...
I don't hold it up.
The guy asks me, "What,
what do you want
on your sandwich?"
I told him,
"Run it through the garden."
[applause and cheering]
It's everywhere you go.
Grocery store,
that's always a problem, right?
Customer service, they gave up.
The grocery store gave up on us.
They put in self express
checkout lanes.
They basically said,
"You know what?
You do it."
Why am I working
at the grocery store now?
Do you ever look over there?
Nobody knows what's going on.
It's a bundle of confusion.
Right, there's always a guy
sitting there with, like, some
artichokes going...
We weren't properly trained
on this machine.
Those people go through
a three-week training
on this computer,
and we're just jumping in on it?
Again, I never want
to be the problem, okay?
So my grocery store is open
24 hours a day.
You know what I did?
I went in at 3:00 a.m.
Nobody there.
I did a self-training
on this machine.
I got all
the different screens down.
I memorized some
of my favorite items.
4162, bananas.
I know this stuff.
So on a Saturday at 3:00
in the afternoon
when it's packed,
I'm cooking.
I'm helping out other people.
But I was in the human line.
I'm sitting there.
My line ain't moving.
Had a price check.
You ever get this?
They're sitting there,
they scan the steak,
price doesn't show up.
Now they have to turn
and ask Timmy the bagger...
to go find
out what the T-bone steak costs,
and that person's always like,
"Yes, Timmy, could you plea...
Please go find out for me?"
And now you hear the whole line
just get deflated...
and pissed off
at this one person because
they didn't pick out
the right steak.
I never want to be the problem.
If they scan my steak,
and it doesn't show up,
you know what I tell
the cashier?
"Forget it, I don't need it.
Keep it going."
You think I'm gonna wait
for Timmy?
Timmy don't even know
he's working.
This kid leaves here,
he ain't coming back.
Was there even an interview
with this kid?
I don't know, I'm looking
at the bagger, he's got
a rainbow Mohawk, right?
Then he's got this--
I don't know what it is,
if it's an earring.
You ever see this?
It looked like somebody
took a shotgun
and blew a hole through
his ear...
and then they put
magnets in his earlobe.
Do you know what would happen to
me if I ever came home as a kid
with magnets hanging out
of my ear?
My father would throw me
against the refrigerator.
So I'm in line.
I don't know,
trying to be green.
It's hard, okay?
I got plastic this time. Right?
The whole line got upset.
I could tell,
the whole line got upset
with me with the plastic bags.
I go, "Yeah, I have plastic."
And the whole line's, like,
"He's not green."
'Cause they all brought
their bag.
Made out of wheat.
You know what I do
when I see that?
"Double bag it."
It's hot. I get frustrated
when I talk about this stuff.
You ever see somebody leave
the grocery store,
and the alarm go off?
That alarm'll constantly go off.
People walk off, right,
and all of a sudden,
they hear... [imitates alarm]
And what do
they always tell you?
"You're good.
Go ahead.
You're good."
You can have nine steaks
down your pants.
"Go ahead, take off.
Steal it."
So you get heated, man,
when you're out.
Got to stop off,
maybe cool off.
What's with...?
This whole town's going nuts
with yogurt.
What's going on... with yogurt?
Everybody's dying for yogurt.
They see, like, a...
a Pinkberry.
They're, like, "I want
to go get some Pinkberry."
Oh, I'm not a yogurt guy,
but I had to go look
to see what the problem was.
I'm sitting in line. I'm
watching people eat the yogurt.
First of all, everybody had
a sample before they got...
What is with the sampling?
I don't...
I don't do samples.
Oh, these two women came up,
so proud of themselves.
They're, like, "Excuse me.
Do you have some pomegra...
Do you have the pomegranate?
Could we try the pomegranate?"
They were so happy
they were gonna get a free lick.
Now the guy's got
to turn around,
he's got to fill up
a little Dixie lick cup.
And he hands it out.
Grown women,
but they're like kids
when they get it.
They're, like...
[high-pitched laughing]
"This is good!
I like this one."
I don't do any of this.
I just got the green tea.
If I don't like it, yeah,
I fucked up.
[in high-pitched voice] "What?"
You think I'm gonna hold up
12 people's day licking a...?
Driving, that's
another thing I can't do.
You ever get behind someone,
they're not moving?
They're not moving, right?
You're, like...
[guttural grunting]
Right? You're, like...
You change into an animal.
Right, you're just looking
for the pass lane.
You're looking to pass them.
And it seems like it's days. It
takes days for this to happen.
But you'll finally get it,
You'll finally get it, but as
you pass, you can't let this go.
As you pass them, you have to
turn and look to see who
the hell is driving this way.
You can't go to bed at night
without putting a face
to that miles per hour.
And I don't know
what happens to us.
We're, like, "What the hell
are you doing?!"
As we pass, we lose it.
Sometimes you want
to just slow up
so they could see the face.
You pull up, and you're, like,
"Look at what you did to me!
I was happy a mile ago!
Look at this transformation!"
And sometimes you got to go
back to your house and regroup,
I was sitting in my house
a couple weeks ago,
just relaxing.
My doorbell rang.
This is weird.
It's a different feeling
when your doorbell rings today,
opposed to 20 years ago, right?
20 years ago, your doorbell
rang, that was a happy moment
in your house.
It was called company.
You'd be sitting there on
a Thursday night, watching TV.
Your doorbell rang,
the whole family
shot off the couch.
"Oh, my God!
Put the lights on.
Somebody's here.
We got people."
Right? The whole family
went to the door.
The kids were in socks.
They slid up to the door.
Nobody looked to see who it was.
Right? You just opened
up the door.
You were, like,
"Oh, my God, look at that."
"Look at who's here."
And you're asking,
"What the hell
are you doing here?"
And the person would be, like,
"I was in the neighborhood.
I thought I might stop by,
see how the kids are doing."
They're, like, "Oh, come on in.
We're gonna have some cake."
Your mother had
a little Entenmann's.
Maybe some Sara Lee crumble cake
just in case company came over.
She made an announcement
when she bought it.
She's, like, "Listen,
nobody touch this cake.
This is for company only.
Those crap muffins,
those are for you people.
You better hope to God
somebody comes over
so we can cut the cake."
She put her cake in the middle
of the table, proud of it.
Right, she put it right
in the middle.
"Cut yourself a slice.
Want a cup of coffee?
We're gonna do coff...
Want some Sanka?"
Yeah, that's old-school.
Lot of the young kids
are looking at me, like,
"What is that,
an iPhone app?
What the hell is Sanka?"
Your mother had a tin,
a brown and orange tin
of Sanka ready to
go just in case the company.
She'd put a big pot
on the table.
"Go ahead."
Nobody had a cell phone
back then.
If your cell...
If your house phone did ring,
your father stood up and said,
"Nobody get that phone.
We got company."
And you lost track of time.
Two hours went by.
You were, like, "We got to get
out of here."
"That's okay.
Next time,
we're gonna come by you."
Be, like, "Yeah, my door's
always open."
Now your doorbell rings?
It's, like, "What the fuck?!"
[laughter continues]
All right, your own mother's
crawling across
the kitchen floor.
"Get down, Ma!
Army crawl!
Army crawl.
Get in the closet.
in the living room.
Somebody get the sword
Go get the sword
underneath the couch
in the living room.
There's a sword."
Right, you have to turn
and ask your family,
"You invite anybody over?
You invite anybody over?"
There's always that person
upstairs that didn't hear
the bell.
They come walking down.
"What the hell is going on?"
"Get the hell down!
Somebody's outside!
They're at the door.
I think they saw movement."
"Oh, God, I got to open it.
I got no cake, I got no Sanka,
I got nothing.
I got nothing for these people."
You can't stop by
anybody's house anymore.
If you do, you have to call
from the driveway.
You're, like, "I'm here.
Can I approach?
It's me and three other people.
We're gonna walk up
through the side...
Is that your mother
with a sword?
Why does she have a sword?"
It's all changing, man.
And if you want to see a big
change and see what's happening
in the United States,
get called in for jury duty.
Last week, I was at jury duty
the whole week.
Am I the only one going
to this stuff?
I called my friends,
"You going?"
"Nah, we shred it."
So I go, 7:30 in the morning,
right, 300 people.
Right, you sit there
in this little room, right?
And I don't know, man,
we're in trouble as a country.
If you want to get
a temperature gauge
on what society is looking like,
go to jury duty.
They say it's a, uh...
jury of your peers.
The people there are one step
away from being a defendant.
Now, it's... Nobody knows
how to... follow instruction.
The guy's up there,
it's simple. "Name."
"Okay, name," right?
And people are like, "Wha...?"
Then he opens it up
for questions.
"Any questions?"
Worst thing you could do to the
general public is start opening
up a questions session.
The hands that shot--
This woman's shoulder
almost popped off.
People love to hear
themselves speak.
"I have a medical condition."
Nobody gives a shit.
Fill out the form
and go to the courtroom.
The guy next to me,
in broken English,
asked me how to put his
name tag into the laminate.
And I'm like,
"You're gonna determine...
whether somebody goes
to prison?
And you're having problems
with the name badge?"
You need a release, right?
You need to go out,
you need to do stuff like this.
Friday night comes out.
"Come on, we're going out,
we're gonna do stuff."
Right? I went out last week
to a nightclub.
I can't do this anymore.
I'm getting way too old
for the nightclubs.
You know you're old when you
walk into a nightclub
and you're like,
"Is it loud in here?"
[laughter and applause]
"Why is my hair vibrating?"
I can't dance anymore.
I used to bounce around.
I was able to dance.
Used to go out in my early 20s.
I had my Cavariccis on.
Right, I had that belt
that shot down.
Used to ask girls to dance.
That's what we did,
we went out dancing.
All week long,
we practiced at the house.
And then Friday night
we tested it out.
Guys would have confidence, man.
Girls would be hanging
out by the bar.
Guy would have enough confidence
to pick out the one he wanted,
then ask her to dance.
Real cool,
we'd come up and be like,
"Hey... how you doing?
You want to dance with me?"
And she'd turn around,
she'd be like, "Yeah.
I'll dance with you."
She'd turn to her girlfriends.
"Hold my purse, Joanne."
And you'd go out
to the dance floor.
You wouldn't touch one another.
Very respectful. You'd
just watch each other move.
You'd be like, "Yeah."
Right, you have
that stupid dance face.
You'd lean in.
"You look fantastic."
Then you would go to the bar
'cause that song would come in
that nobody could dance to,
That song would always pop on.
Like, "I can't dance to this.
I can't dance to Whitesnake.
Let's go get a drink
at the bar."
So you would go to the bar.
This is where you would have to
have a little personality,
flirt with her, right?
I grew up with a bunch of guys.
We were all funny.
That's all we do, make fun,
goof around with girls,
make them laugh.
Girls would be like,
"Oh, you guys are funny."
I'd be like, "Yeah, I know."
You would go in for the kill,
you would get the number like,
"Why don't you write your number
down on a napkin?
I'll take you out for steak
next week, huh?"
And you would get the number
on a napkin.
The ink would bleed
a little bit.
It was kind of damp, right?
Before you left the club,
you got to ask her,
"Excuse me, sweetheart,
is this a seven?
Did you write a seven?"
You give your number out now,
five minutes later you get
a text message,
"What are you doing?"
"What do you mean,
what I'm do...?
I just met you. Back off."
It's weird now at these clubs.
It's embarrassing.
Men look like predators.
They look like predators
on the dance floor.
They don't ask girls anymore.
They just come right behind 'em.
They're like...
[laughs] This is flirting?
Somebody want to call
the authorities?
Go to the bathroom
at a nightclub,
it's a whole different
subculture in the bathroom.
They got a bathroom attendant
in the bathroom.
They put this guy in there
about 15 years ago...
and his sole job
is to give you a towel
after you're done
washing your hands
from here to your hands.
Now, I don't know if that was
a problem for people.
I don't know if people were
coming out of the bathroom wet.
"What do I do?!
I'm wet."
So management said,
you know, "Listen,
they're not grasping
the concept.
They're coming out, they're
drenched, they're soaked.
We need to put a guy in there
to distribute towels."
And as soon as you walk in
and you see him,
you get pissed off
that he's even there, right?
You walk in, you see him,
you're like, "Oh, God!
They got a guy?"
It's weird. Now you got to talk
to him after you're done.
You're like, "Yeah, it smells
like crap in here, huh?"
And you got to tip him a dollar
for a towel for what?
I could see if I took a crap
in the sink.
"There you go, man,
sorry about that.
Little screwed up tonight.
You want to wash that out?
Maybe light a match,
some Febreze, a candle.
Do something.
I'll give you a dollar."
It's weird, man,
but the world's changing.
I don't know what's wrong
with people.
Go to the club. They got...
Everybody's got a tattoo now.
Oh, my God, I can't believe it.
All the guys will get one,
They'll put one on their bicep.
Now every shirt becomes
a sleeveless.
They got to billboard
their tattoo.
They got to show it off because
there's like an emotional
meaning behind it, right?
Some idiot will come up.
"Excuse me, hi, I'm sorry.
What's the significance?
Why do you have a cobra head
on your bicep?
Now the guy gets all emotional.
He's like...
"Thanks for asking.
The reason I got the cobra is,
five years ago my father got...
Excuse me.
My father got bit by a snake.
So to remember him by,
I put the snake head on my bi--
It's not done yet."
It's never done, right?
They always got to go back,
get shading.
"2019, I'm gonna have the
whole cobra all over my body.
For now, it's just the head,
but what's gonna happen,
it's gonna drape
across my chest.
It's gonna cascade
down my torso,
the tail's going to wrap
around my nut bag.
Aw, don't laugh,
it's for my dad, you know?
It's gonna creep around my back,
the rattle's gonna tickle
my nipple.
And on my nipple,
it's gonna say 'Dad.
Rest in peace,' you know."
What the hell are you doing
to yourself?
What, did you forget he died?
What, do you look down
in the shower...?
"Oh, yeah!"
People ask me all the time,
"Sebastian, why don't you have--
Why don't you get a tattoo?"
I go, "I don't put
bumper stickers on Ferraris."
That's what we do, we go out.
As a society, that's all we do,
is go out.
Go out to dinner
with your friends.
That always gets weird...
especially if you go out
with a group
and you go off to anything
like a dinner, whatnot,
and when the bill comes,
it gets weird.
'Cause what normally happens
is the bill will travel
around the table.
People will then begin to pitch
in what they think they owe.
there's always somebody last
to get the bill.
The problem with this is,
A look of confusion and concern
comes over their face.
They're like...
Now, people see this,
and they're like, "Oh,
need a couple extra dollars
or something like that?"
And you're like,
"Well, I'm $687 short.
So the two bucks
you're gonna pitch in
ain't even gonna put
a dent in this.
So how about this?
How about the bill take
another lap, do another lap?
I don't think
my chicken tenders were $700."
That's one way it might work,
Sometimes you'll be out
to the dinner,
and somebody picks up
the bill at your table.
Now, there's a game
involved with this.
If somebody's nice enough
to pick up a bill,
you just don't go,
"Hey, thanks."
No, there's a game.
Somebody takes the bill
off the table,
you have to stand up and lunge,
lunge for the bill.
You lunge,
but you don't touch it.
'Cause if you touch it,
you might end up with it.
You're like, "I never wanted it,
I just wanted
to act like I did."
So you stop shy. "What?"
And you act like you don't know.
You know exactly
what's going on,
but you have to act
like you don't.
You're like, "Come on,
what are you doing with that?
Now, the person will go,
"Please, come on.
I'm making a lot of money,
you know that.
I got this tonight, huh?"
The person doesn't sit down.
You have to come back
with number two, right?
You're like, "That's ridiculous.
That's a lot of money.
Now you go fish for the money.
Hold on here, right?"
And you go for the money,
but the money's back here.
You just shake a pocket...
hoping they cut you off.
If that person has any class,
they're like, "Please, come on
now. You're embarrassing
yourself. I got this.
Get it next time." You have
to come back with number three.
"At least let me leave that tip,
now, come on, huh?"
Now, the person will then say,
"You're money's foreign.
I got it all."
Now, I've been in situations
where I go,
"Let me leave the tip,"
and the person's like,
"Sure, go ahead."
I'm like, "You cheap bastard."
You might go out with a group,
you might go on a date.
Some people go dating, right?
It's what a lot of us
are doing, right?
Nice couple here, hugging her,
snuggling, gripping onto her.
"That's my girl."
It's nice,
it's what love's all about.
The first date's the big date,
though, right? You go
on a first date,
there's a lot of flags.
Lot of red flags going off
on that first date.
I watch, I watch
how a woman eats.
This is a huge deal breaker
for me, okay?
Took a girl out
a couple months ago for Italian.
She ate everything on the plate.
I got no problem with that.
-[woman] Yeah!
-Yeah, but...
I got no problem.
Do it all you want.
The problem I had is
she then took a piece of bread
and did a sponge job.
My father does that
during the holidays.
You might want to wait
till we fall in love
until you start
mopping up sauce...
with bread fragments.
Another deal breaker,
when I go to the girl's house
for the first time.
Ladies, be prepared
for the come-over, okay?
Have some options for me.
You come to my place,
I'm ready for you. I have it.
It's like a hotel.
Soon as we walk in,
I turn around.
"Want a little Diet Coke,
apple juice, wine?
What do you want?"
I got Orangina.
Nobody's got Orangina.
Throw that at a chick,
"You want a glass of Orangina?"
"You have Orangina?"
"Yeah, I got it.
Sit down."
This girl had nothing.
We walked in, she turned around,
she's like,
"You want some water
or something like that?"
I'll get that out of the hose."
Little things bother me,
I don't know.
Another girl,
she offered me some Scotch.
I said, "Yeah, could you put
that on the rocks?"
So she brought it out.
I went to go take a sip.
I smelled the ice cubes.
The ice cubes smelled
like her freezer.
I'm like, "What, what is this,
Johnnie Walker
and mixed vegetables?
Change out your cubes!"
Every three days, I'm breaking
cubes at my house, fresh.
That's what we do, though.
Dating in the beginning
is cute, though.
God, everything's adorable,
isn't it?
Nobody can do any wrong. You
guys been dating for a while?
-[man] About a year.
-Yeah, a year.
It's cute, right?
There's no arguments,
everything's adorable.
He walks in the kitchen,
she's got, like, a little
broccoli hanging off her head.
It's the cutest thing
he's ever seen.
He comes in,
he's still flirting.
He's like, "Baby, you got a...
You got a piece of broccoli
hanging off of your head."
She flirts right back.
She's like, "Oh... sorry."
You get married, you have kids,
that ain't funny anymore.
Little things are pissing
you off about that person.
Never bothered you
in the beginning, right?
Now, little things,
just the way somebody brushes
their teeth in the morning
could set you off.
You walk in, you look at 'em
in the mirror, you're like, "Oh,
look at this shit."
"I hate you."
You might get engaged.
That's the next step.
Now, most guys...
I like a classic go to a knee.
That's what I think men
should do. Drop to one knee.
I think that's what about 90%
of the guys do, right?
As soon as the guy goes
to the knee,
as soon as he does this,
the girl sees what's happening,
she gets excited.
She's like, "Oh!"
Right? The guy will drop down,
he'll get a little emotional,
like, "Baby..."
[sniffles] "We've been dating
for 18 years, you know."
"I know you're 48, you probably
can't have kids anymore.
I think I'm done clubbing.
I think I should maybe
settle down, you know."
And you put the ring on her
finger, and she's like, "Yes."
Some guys get stupid with it,
They'll be out at dinner,
they'll be sitting there,
and the guy will be like,
"Look in the mashed potatoes."
Now you've got
to plan the wedding.
I come from an Italian family.
Italians do it
a lot different
than most people when it comes
to weddings, okay?
Italians don't register
at Bed Bath & Beyond.
We don't bring a toaster
to a wedding.
Italians bring cash, okay?
Yeah, we put it in an envelope.
Sometimes there's
not even a card.
There's just cash
with a Post-it note.
Now, the bride and groom
know they're getting cash.
They're sitting there
with a satin bag that says
"cash" in diamonds.
And people walk in
and, you know, they
start making a deposit.
Now some people don't give
the cash right away.
They hold on to it.
They wait till dinner's served.
Right? They go to dinner,
they'll have the dinner,
they're eating
the chicken, right?
They go, "Chicken's kind of dry.
Take a hundred
out of the envelope.
The food stinks,
take a hundred out."
Then at the end of the wedding,
the bride and groom,
they go up to the room,
and before they do anything,
they start opening up
these envelopes.
Now, the groom takes
out a black log book.
And what they're gonna do,
they're gonna log the amount
and the name in of everybody
that came to the wedding, right?
So the guy will be,
"What the Pantangeles leave?"
She's like, "Ten dollars."
Like, "Cheap bastard.
Ten dollars."
The reason for this book
is, when the Pantangeles
get married,
you go back to the book,
and you look, Pantangeles...
"Put ten singles
in that envelope
and tell them
to screw themselves."
That's how I did it,
my father... Cash, that's all...
He had a wad of cash
growing up, no wallet.
with a broccoli band
around the wad.
Just a wad, just a big knot
We'd negotiate.
My father would negotiate prices
at Sears.
It was embarrassing
to go shopping with the guy.
The salesman didn't know
what the hell was going on.
The salesman's like,
"The refrigerator's
gonna be about $1,200."
My father would be like,
"No, it's not.
We're gonna pay cash."
And the salesman was like,
"Yeah, we accept cash. $1,200."
My dad's like, "Cash.
What's the price
gonna be with cash?"
It's not a flea market,
we're at Sears.
I didn't grow up
in a huge family, right?
I got a sister.
But I don't know,
I don't know if I want
to have kids of my own.
It's coming to a point now where
my friends all have kids.
They're always asking me,
"Sebastian, when are you...?"
"I don't know if I want kids."
They're like, "What?
Oh, no.
Sebastian, kids are a miracle.
It's an amazing thing.
Once you have one of your own,
it's not about you anymore.
It's about them."
Why the hell would
I want to do that?
[laughter and applause]
And it's not the kids
I got a problem with.
It's the parents today.
It's a different parent
than how we grew up.
First of all,
is everybody's kid fantastic?
Why is everybody bragging
about their kids?
Don't we have
any dumb kids anymore?
My parents were honest
with people.
They never bragged about me.
We went to the aunts
and the uncles.
As soon as we walked in,
my father was like,
"Yeah, we don't know what
the hell's wrong with him.
I don't know, something's off
with this kid.
Something's loose.
Look at how big his head is.
Look at the head on this kid."
Right, they put me
in the base...
"Go in the basement,
play Pong."
Now I've got my friends
always coming over
with the kids, bragging.
"Sebastian, she's so advanced.
She's reading at
a fourth grade level,
she's only in second grade.
Show Sebastian the face.
Show the face you make."
I don't give a shit.
If your kid could fly from
my backyard to the front yard,
yeah, might want to see that.
"She's unbelievable!
How's it happening?!"
But whatever your kid does,
nobody cares.
They got their kid
in every sport nowadays.
Every activity.
What are you doing?
The kid's exhausted.
Pick one thing for this kid
to do.
But no, the father, the mother
can't fathom that
the child just might
not be good at something.
It's never the kid's fault
for lack of talent.
It's the coach.
You ever get this family?
They got to complain
to the coach.
They come up to the coach,
"Coach, want to come here? Yeah.
Hi, we're the Gibsons.
Just wondering why my child
Tyler's not participating
in the game
with the rest of the kids."
"'Cause he stinks.
That's why we got a bench."
Not everybody's a winner.
Not everybody gets a trophy.
You know who got the trophy
when I was growing up?
First place got the trophy,
-Yeah, that's it.
They don't even keep score
in the games.
It inspires competition. Right?
I couldn't believe it.
I came to my buddy's
kid's game late.
I said, "George,
I'm sorry I'm late.
What's the score?"
He's like, "Shh.
We don't... we don't
keep score out there.
All those kids
are winners out there."
"Are you watching
the same game I'm watching?
Kid's running the wrong way."
I didn't grow up this way.
My parents prepared me for life.
Disappointment, failure.
They put me in basketball.
They came to the first game.
At halftime,
my father sprinted down
from the stands,
like, "Get the hell
in the car! You suck!"
He was apologizing to the coach.
He's like, "I'm sorry
you had to watch that.
I don't know what the hell
he was doing out there."
Even I knew I was bad
while I was doing it.
I'm like...
"I don't feel good!
Get me off!"
He pulled me right
off the court.
He's like, "Listen,
you humiliated yourself,
you embarrassed
our entire family.
People took off work to watch
what you just did.
Get in the trunk."
we don't play basketball.
When's the last time you put
an NBA game on and said,
"Take a shot, Nunzio."
It doesn't happen.
"Put in Carmine for the three."
Italians, what do we do?
Cement, nice cement driveway.
Meatball sandwich.
Give us a church, we'll paint
the whole ceiling. I mean...
Certain cultures
do certain things well, right?
Italians generally do not go
into the medical field, right?
Have you ever went
to an emergency room,
and like, this is
your doctor, Dr. Acualani?
I'm like, "Wait a minute,
you got a Ginsberg back there?
A Lipowitz, a Folkenberg,
somebody I knew that studied?"
Eh, come on.
But it's culture-based
when it comes to raising kids.
The culture that's got it down
to a science,
in my personal opinion,
are these Japanese people.
-We got any Japanese tonight?
-[woman murmurs]
Right. You're Japanese?
Yeah. I knew she wasn't 100%
because Japanese people are...
[whispers] ...quiet.
I never ask that question,
100% Japanese?
"Yeah, we're here!"
It doesn't happen.
That was her other half
coming out.
Japanese people,
well-mannered people.
You ever look at their kids
at a restaurant?
They're trained.
They sit there
at a 90-degree angle.
They're like soldiers,
they don't move.
They make one slight move,
the father is like:
[imitating Japanese speech]
You ever see the white kid
at the restaurant?
In half a diaper?
Mother just sitting there,
"Ha-ha, isn't he cute? Look."
No, you know what's cute?
The two-year-old Japanese kid
in a suit eating with sticks.
[laughter and applause]
Asking for the check.
Two years old in third grade.
But you have a family, maybe.
It's hard to stay married,
peaks and valleys.
A lot of men veer off the path
of monogamy, right?
Celebrities do it
all the time.
And the media focuses in
on these celebrities.
Mostly guys, right?
Probably the biggest celebrity
to ever veer off the path is
Tiger Woods, right?
And they put the guy
in a sex addiction clinic.
That's what they do nowadays.
They put people
in sex addiction clinics.
There is no such thing
as a sex addict, okay?
How do you know you got
a problem with sex?
You hit a certain number?
You're, like, "I need help."
This whole thing is a scam.
The only guys that are
at the sex clinic are guys that
are married and got caught.
There's no single guys
at the clinic.
There's no single guys banging
on the door.
"What's the problem?"
"I don't know. I'm having
too much sex out here.
Something's wrong with me.
It's awful.
My buddies are laughing at me.
I don't know who's coming
and going."
Anytime any
of this stuff happens,
it ignites conversation
in house
between men and women, right?
A lot of women sit there
and watch it on ESPN or CNN.
They're, like, "Could you
believe what he's doing?
Could you believe this?"
A lot of guys have to sit there
and act, "What?
How many girlfriends
does he have?
17? That's disgusting!
Shut it off.
I can't even watch."
Some women, they take it
a step further.
They compare the celebrity
relationship with their own.
You can't do this.
Two different worlds, right?
Tiger Woods worth
a billion dollars.
And women were sitting there,
"Would you do this?
Would you do...? Look at me!
Would you do this?"
You can't ask your guy that.
If you ask them, you'd have
to... Guys would have to say,
"Listen, honey, the guy's worth
a billion.
If I was worth a billion,
I wouldn't be with you.
I'm working at Wal-Mart.
This is the best I could do."
Come on. Do you think the guy
at Wal-Mart is dealing
with the same temptations
that Tiger Woods
is dealing with?
Do you think there's
six-foot blonde
Scandinavian models walking
into Wal-Mart asking
the stock guy, "Hey...
you want a little of that?
Tell me where your towels are,
this is all yours."
It's getting weird, man.
and I don't know
if it's for the better.
The world is changing,
A lot of technologies out there.
I'm not into it, right?
Craigslist is
a big, big website.
People go there.
First of all, have you gone
to the Craigslist website?
It looks like it came out
when the Internet came out.
Does anybody want
to put up some Flash?
Looks like braille.
I don't know.
But people sell stuff
on this with no problem.
I don't know. I can't do this.
It's weird. This Craigslist,
you don't know who's coming
to your house, right?
It's like an invitation
to get murdered.
Just put up the posting.
"Area rug for sale.
Come murder me and my family."
You don't know
what you're getting!
We used to have a garage sale.
That's how we did it.
We just threw the garbage
on a Saturday morning.
We just threw it out
on the driveway.
We put some signs all over town
with an arrow,
"Come get our garbage."
And the weirdest people
would show up to your home.
You would have, like,
a table with a cash box
and the garage open,
but you would just watch people
mill around your yard, right?
They'd come out of their car.
Someone would get
a little too close to the house,
you're, like,
"Back up, back off. Back off.
What do you want?
Tell me right from there
what you want."
"Can we use your bathroom?"
Get the hell off my property.
It's not Wal-Mart.
It's a shit sale.
Pick what you need and leave."
And whatever we didn't sell,
we threw it out.
But we broke it before
we threw it in the garbage.
That's my father.
He's, like, "If they're
not gonna buy it at my sale,
they're not gonna come by
later on tonight
and steal it out
of my garbage.
Saw the couch in half."
12 years old, I'm sawing it.
He's, like, "Burn all the lamps,
burn all these lamps,
pop the eyeballs
out of the teddy bear,
and then decapitate the head.
You throw the head out
on Tuesday and then the body
out on Saturday.
I know who was looking
at this bear,
and when they come back
and find out there's no eyeballs
or no body,
they're not gonna want a head."
It's a weird, weird culture
out there, man.
Like I said, technology
is taking over.
My father wants
to get involved with it.
Now, my father is an immigrant.
Came here from Sicily
when he was 15 years old.
This guy's been cutting hair
his whole life.
Not tech savvy whatsoever,
Calls me up the other night.
He lives in Chicago.
I live out here in Los Angeles.
Calls me up, he's, like,
"Yeah, I want
to learn Internets."
Now, I don't know if anybody's
ever taught anybody the Internet
over the phone.
It's virtually impossible.
You cannot use Internet terms
with someone who doesn't know
a computer.
And I found that out
right from the get-go.
I said, "Dad, you gotta open
up your window."
He's, like, "Why?
I got two feet of snow outside.
Is that for better reception?
You get better reception
that way, huh?"
You got to dummy it down.
You gotta explain
exactly what they see.
I said, "Dad, there's a blue E.
Do you see a blue E
with, like, a sphere?
Do you see that?"
I said, "You gotta click that
twice." He's, like, "Why twice?"
And I'm, like,
"Yeah, why twice?"
For years I've been doing two.
One, you get nothing,
two, it happens.
I said, "Dad, I don't know.
Just click it twice."
He's, like, "Is that what
the foot pedal's for?"
Foot pedal?
He had the mouse on the floor!
"It's not a sewing machine!
What are you doing?!
Put the foot pedal on the desk!
What the hell are you
looking at, tell me."
He's, like, "I think I broke it.
I got pipes. I got pipes."
How old is your computer
that you still have
the pipe screen saver?
Is it beige?
Is it a Presario?
What do you got?
I said, "Shake the foot pedal
to get rid of the pipes."
I said, "Dad, come on. On the
top, do you see a white bar?"
I was gonna say "cursor."
He ain't gonna get that.
"Is there a stick blinking
in whiteness?
Do you see this?"
He's, like, yeah, "I see it."
He types it in, presses return.
He's, like, "I got nothing.
You gotta call the Internets
and tell them I got no website."
I said, "Read it back.
What is it?"
He's, like, "I got it.
"What? You spelled out 'dot'?"
I'm trying to get the guy
to e-mail, right?
So I finally get him there.
I said, "Dad, call me
when you send it, right?"
He called me back.
He's, like, "Yeah, I sent it.
I don't know when you're gonna
get this, okay?
It could be five, six days
depending how busy Yahoo is.
I don't know."
I said, "Dad, I'm looking
at it." So I open up the e-mail.
The entire e-mail is
in the subject heading.
I'm, like, "What the...?"
It's... it's scary, man, right?
And the older I get,
the worse I get, right?
I'm a huge hypochondriac.
I constantly think
I'm passing away.
I constantly think I'm dying.
I woke up one morning,
my hands were dry.
I'm, like, "Oh, come on.
What, am I disintegrating?
What's happening?"
Now, with this use
of technology,
anything medically related,
I don't go to the doctor.
You know what I do?
I go right to Google.
You will admit stuff to Google
that you won't tell a soul.
If Google ever comes out
with a printout of what
you been asking it,
you're gonna have
to leave California.
I type in, "I got dry hands.
What does that mean?"
Now a bunch of stuff
comes back with Google.
Well, now, Google,
I stay on page one.
I never go to page two.
I'm always on page one.
I don't even know
what's on page two.
A horse is involved all the
time, I don't know what it is.
I'm always on page one,
first three topics, right?
I'm gonna try and self-diagnose
what I have based on other
people's stories and anecdotes.
This is the worst thing
you could do to yourself, okay?
The first story I read,
the guy's like, "I had
dry hands three months ago.
Now I got no fingers."
So that's it, I think I'm dying.
I don't eat, I don't sleep.
Three and a half weeks,
I lost 15 pounds.
My friends were coming up
to me going, "Sebastian,
gee, you look fantastic.
What the hell
have you been doing?"
And in my head, I'm like,
"I think I'm dying."
So I went to the hospital,
Go to the hospital,
go to the doctor.
I walk in, I go, "Take a look.
Look at this."
He goes, "Ooh, hold on.
Let me take a look
at something."
I go, "Where you going, Google?
I was just there. It says
I'm gonna lose my fingers.
What do you know?"
He's like,
"I'm gonna write you
a prescription
to get some lotion."
Now, this is always a problem,
going to your local pharmacy
to get medication.
I don't know why. You give
your slip to the pharmacist,
he always looks at it,
he's like, "Ooh!
It's gonna be
about another 25 minutes.
If you want to walk
around Walgreens...
about another 25 minutes,
And I'm like, "It's right there.
It's right on the shelf."
But you never question
the pharmacist.
You're always like, "Oh, okay."
I didn't take the walk.
I stood my ground.
I go, "You got it, right?"
He's like, "Yeah, we got it."
I go, "Why I got
to walk around?"
He's like,
"There's people ahead of you."
I go, "No, they're not.
I'm staring right at you.
Where are they?"
He's like, "They're
walking around Walgreens."
Nobody could tell me
why I'm taking this walk.
For years, I swear to God,
I thought people were making
medication in the back room.
I thought there was some guy
filling up little caplets,
going, "Tell him to walk around!
I can't get the damn things on.
They're too small.
I need another 25 minutes.
I got 30 caplets."
So I took the walk.
I came back.
There's a person in front of me,
and there's a line.
I didn't see this
the first time.
There's a line on the floor
with two footprints.
And it says on the floor,
"For the privacy of the person
in front of you,
please stand behind the line."
Now, the person is right here.
I'm right here behind the line.
You're telling me this much...
I can't hear nothing?
Right here...
Right here,
no idea what's happening.
Right here, "He's got
gonorrhea! Oh, my God!"
Every time you come out of
the pharmacy, there's always
a... a homeless guy in there.
I don't know why this is.
I love to give to the homeless,
don't get me wrong,
but I get attacked nine,
ten times a day for change.
I don't have this type
of change for the demand.
So I give,
but I give once a day.
And now I base it
on how they approach me.
The guy today had
an amazing approach, okay?
Beautiful posture.
Made direct eye contact.
Came up, asked me very nicely.
He's like,
"Hey, you got a couple quarters?
I'm down on my luck."
I said, "There you go, man.
Sorry to hear that."
He walked his way.
I walked mine.
There was no problem.
But sometimes, they scare
the crap out of you, right?
They'll fall out of a bush.
They got some screwed-up walk.
Why am I gonna give
you anything?
You took no time
with your presentation.
You got 24 hours a day,
and this is the best
you could come up with?
I don't know what's wrong
with people.
It's all changing, man.
But I'm glad you guys came
out tonight
to watch
some live entertainment
because I don't even know
what they're giving you
on television.
Right, American Idol.
This is a huge, huge thing.
Right, what is it?
It's your neighbor.
You turn it on, you're like,
"Isn't this Kyle from Kinko's?
What the hell is he doing
on television?"
No, I grew up
with entertainment, man.
Musicians that created
something, an image, a costume.
When Michael Jackson
first came out, I lost my mind.
Oh, God. Yeah.
He came on MTV,
I stopped what I was doing.
It was like an event.
I'm like, "Ma, look at this.
He's on.
He's got one glove."
Do you know the talent
you have to have
to come up with one... glove?
Nobody gave him this outfit.
The guy had to think of this.
Sitting in his house
after Off the Wall, he's like,
"How am I gonna top
eight million sold?
Go get me one glove."
"Yeah, and go dip it
in diamonds."
Do you think he stopped
with the glove?
He's like, "You know what?
Go do that with my socks."
Then he looked at himself
in the mirror.
He's like, "They're not gonna
be able to see the socks.
Hem the pants eight inches
off the ground."
And not only did he pull it off,
the whole world was doing it.
I was doing it.
I had the red jacket
with the zippers and
the cheese graters on the top.
I would put Michael Jackson
moves into conversations.
I'd came up to my mother.
I go, "Ma, you think
I could get a Popsicle?"
[cheering and applause]
We were all doing it.
That's talent.
Prince, remember
when this guy first came out?
Huh? Four-foot-two?
Four-foot-two with high heels.
I didn't even question that.
Purple Rain?
The movie changed my life.
Remember that motorcycle he had?
Eight times too big for him.
Remember when he pulled up
to Lake Minnetonka?
He's sitting on his bike
with that black jumpsuit,
that mane for a hairdo,
that shit around the mouth,
whatever the hell that was.
His little boots.
Size two boots.
Apollonia! Apollonia was
this guy's girlfriend's name.
Could you imagine meeting
this couple at a party?
Be like, "Hey, how you doing?
My name's Prince.
This is Apollonia.
What's your name?"
You're like, "Shit,
I got to go change it."
What do you come back with?
"My name's John, this is Carol.
What the hell are you?
Are those mini boots?
What do you ha...?
Is that lace around your wrists?
Who are you?"
I wanted to be Prince.
I'd walk around my house out
of nowhere, "Dearly beloved..."
"Dearly beloved..."
My mother would be like, "What
the hell did you just say?"
"Mother, I said,
'Dearly beloved...'"
Now what do we got?
American Idol?
Some idiot from Montana singing
a song in his T-shirt
with his entire family
in the front row,
telling America to vote.
Vote for our child so we
could all have a better life."
Fuck your kid.
He stinks.
Put him in the trunk.
Thank you, guys.
You've been fantastic.
Thank you so much.
[cheering and applause]
Thank you.
[electronic music playing]