Sebastian Maniscalco: Why Would You Do That? (2016) Movie Script

[man] Cefal, Sicily, 1959.
What a simpler time.
Families, rolling hills,
Look at my grandfather.
Do you know how confident
you have to be
to wear a short sleeve
dress shirt
with a tie
to go pick tomatoes?
My father would go on
to be a hair stylist,
and my uncle Luigi
could get a deal
on anything.
My family
didn't agree on much,
but the one thing
they would agree on,
no one,
and I mean no one
would ever thought
I would end up here.
[electronic music playing]
[male announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen,
Sebastian Maniscalco.
[audience cheers]
Wow. Nice.
Feels good.
Saturday night, right?
It's exciting.
It's a big night.
It's a big night.
Now, before you came here,
you had to decide
how you're
gonna get here.
And you might be getting ready
and ask your wife,
"Babe, you want me to drive?"
[audience laughs]
If you're Italian,
you probably try and get like,
"Well, do you think we're
gonna get, like, a stretch
or something like that?
Do we get a cab?
What do we do?
Maybe Uber?
A lot of people like Uber."
UberX, what is that?
What is it?
It's like hitchhiking
with your phone.
[audience laughs]
God knows what's gonna
pull up tonight
to pick you up.
Some guy
in a Ford Festiva?
Groceries in the back?
Baby seat next to you?
With a baby?
Loose popcorn
on the floor?
"What's going on
back here, guy?
Are you on an errand?
What is this?"
Uber Black.
That's another one, people.
That's a better...
You might get a sedan,
an SUV.
Do you ever get
into that guy's car?
He's so proud
of his candy.
As soon as you get in,
"I've got candy if you want.
I got it in the seat.
I got gum,
Jolly Rancher,
I got iPhone 3, 4, 5, 6 charge.
I got iPhone 9.
It's not out,
but I have
if you need it."
These are weird experiences.
You get in an Uber,
they're rating you.
You're rating them.
Everybody's on some weird,
fake behavior.
As soon as you get in,
you have to ask,
you feel like, okay, I gotta...
"How long have you
been doing Uber?"
And they never just do Uber.
They always got
some side business.
You ask them how long.
"I know, come on, hee hee.
I do this 12 hours a week,
but my real business,
I got a discotheque
in Istanbul."
the hell are you
talking about?
And Uber is expanding into
a lot of different areas.
You don't have this yet
here in New York City,
but in Los Angeles,
they have a thing called
Uber Kitten.
Where they'll bring
a cat to your house
for one hour.
Why would you do that?
I've never been sitting around
my home and asked my wife,
"Babe, call Uber.
Let's get a cat over here
for one hour.
I need to pet something."
[laughing continues]
It's weird.
We trust our phones too much.
Could you imagine
20 years ago,
a foreign guy pulling up
in a sedan telling you,
"Get in." You'd be like,
"Get the fuck out of here."
Not today. You're like,
"Are you Gegak?
The photo doesn't really
look like you,
but I think
this is the vehicle."
There's a lot of interesting
websites out there.
Airbnb. Here's another one.
You can rent out a room
in your house.
Is it worth the extra $100
to have some psychotic family
show up with their luggage?
[imitates British accent]
I couldn't do this.
I couldn't rent out
a room in my home.
If I did, after they left,
I'd have to burn the room
that they were in.
I'd torch the mattress.
I don't know
what's falling out
of peoples ears
into the Tempur-Pedic.
Torch the...
Torch the bed.
I don't even stay
with my family
let alone strangers.
I get it all the time.
Every time I go to a city,
I know people there.
And they're like,
"Just stay with us.
We have plenty of room."
I ain't staying with you.
You ever stay with people?
It's weird.
They put you
in some weird room
nobody uses.
Single bed,
Star Wars sheets,
Darth Vader, C-3PO.
Can't even get comfortable.
You ever get into
somebody's bed?
It's weird. You get in.
You can't...
Look to the left,
there's a booger wall.
Somebody started
a booger wall?
Try and get comfortable.
You can't.
The owners always come in
and knock on the door,
and they're gonna tell you
what's wrong with the house.
You always get
that little knock.
"Are you sleeping yet?"
"No, I'm gonna stand, why?
What's going on?
You got a booger wall
here to your left.
You haven't-- you haven't
seen that yet?
They tell you just before
you go to bed,
just so you know,
"The toilet in the hallway,
do not flush that.
If you do, we're gonna
have to evacuate the home."
"When you shower
cold is hot, hot is cold.
We've been trying
to fix that for years.
When you're done
we ask if you could
please squeegee--"
What? I mean wh--
I gotta get in and clean?
Now naked. I gotta search
for some weird wand
that lives in your shower
for 23 years?
Take the wand and start
wiping off shower pellets
as my balls
touch the tile?
[man whistling]
What, do I work here?
I'm not cleaning the shower.
I don't know,
I stay at a hotel.
I don't even trust
the hotel.
As soon as I check in, I put
a "do not disturb" on the hook.
It sits there
for the amount of time
I'm in the room.
Yeah, you think I'm dumb?
You think I'm dumb?
You think I'm gonna
have the maid come in
and steal everything
that I got?
Wash out my glasses
with some dirty panties?
Fuck that.
Nobody comes into my room.
I throw everything
in the hallway.
Take the dirty towels,
right in the hallway.
That coffee machine
that's in the bathroom?
I throw that out.
Who the hell is making coffee
next to the toilet?
Throw it out!
And I'll rearrange
an entire hotel room.
I don't like
a lot of clutter.
As soon as I check in,
I look to see
what's going on
in the room.
If it's too--
too many things,
I start rearranging.
I'll take a chair.
I'll throw it
in the elevator
and I'll send it
to the lobby.
People get in the elevator,
and they think it's part
of the hotel.
They're like,
"Wow, this is fabulous!
They have furniture
in here?
My feet
are just killing me."
My wife thinks I'm nuts.
My wife didn't grow up
with this mentality.
I get this all
from my dad, all right?
My wife didn't grow up
like me.
My wife's family,
entirely different
than my family.
My family, we talk a lot.
Everything's out in the open
on my side of the family.
In my family,
if you got a problem,
somebody gonna tell you
you got a problem.
You stink? Somebody goes,
"What the fuck? You stink."
Yeah, he stinks.
I don't know.
We are so honest.
Nobody gets their feelings
hurt in my family.
Nobody's got feelings.
We talk about each other
in our family.
I call my mother, and we talk
about the entire family.
We talk about my sister.
"Hey, you talk to Jessica?"
"Yeah, don't call her.
It's all--
They're having
a tough go of it."
Not my wife's family.
They don't say nothing
on that side. Nobody knows.
I listen. I listen.
My wife Skypes
with her mother.
And, you know,
I can hear them talking.
"What's going on over there?"
"Oh, nothing.
Everything's good here.
What's going on over there?"
And I pass by. [mumbles]
After she get off,
I tell her--
I ask my wife,
"What did your mom say?"
"Oh, everything's good."
It ain't good.
Dig, dig for the story.
Get down deep.
Figure it out.
There's shit happening.
I talk to my mother,
I get it all from her.
As soon as I hang up,
I can't wait to tell my wife
what I found out.
As soon as I hang up
the phone I go,
"Babe, pour yourself
a glass of wine.
Meet me outside.
You're not gonna believe
what's going on
with my cousins.
I got juice. I got juice."
My family talks
about everything.
Nothing is off the table.
Talk about money constantly.
To this day, my father and I,
that's all we did
was talk about money,
when we were small,
to this day.
My father knows what I make.
I know what he's got
buried in the yard.
Any Italians here tonight?
[audience cheers]
Of course.
Italians, we're always
trying to figure out
what stuff costs.
Some of you were probably
looking up here tonight going,
"What do you think
he's making for this shit?
How many seats you think
is in the place?"
Any event Italians go,
they try and figure it out.
They go to a wedding,
the whole ride home,
"How much you think
they paid for the...?"
We itemize everything
we saw at the wedding.
Well, they wrapped
the chairs.
That's $38 a chair.
They had a sweet table.
Ice sculptures.
So honest.
My family is so honest.
My wife's family, again,
they don't say nothin'.
And I really found out
how different
my wife and I were
when we went to go visit
her father at the cemetery.
Now, my wife's father
passed away 15 years ago.
I never got a chance
to meet the man.
So we go to the cemetery.
Now, prior to his death,
he bought a plot for himself,
a plot for his wife.
Well, the wife
has since remarried.
So we go to the cemetery,
and I'm holding
my wife's hand.
It's a very emotional day
for us.
Well, for me.
Listen, I gotta
be honest with you,
I'm the emotional one
in the relationship.
I cry, no problem.
Undercover Boss, forget it.
I'm balling at the end
of that show.
Oh, my God.
So we go to the cemetery.
I'm holding my wife's hand.
We approach the two graves.
Now I'm sitting there,
my heart is bleeding
for my wife.
She got no father.
But the other side
of my brain kicks in.
I said, "Is your mother
still gonna get...
buried here
with the original or...
Or is she gonna get buried
with the new husband?
What's going on?
'Cause this is paid for.
It's paid for and, uh,
who's going in the hole?
We gotta figure this out.
I'll hop in here.
In the meantime,
we gotta use this,
maybe for storage.
We'll put
the Christmas tree here.
A rake, skis.
We gotta use this."
My wife's brain
don't work this way.
She said, "Why would you
even think of that?"
I go, "That's why you got me.
I think of this."
We're calling
your mother tonight,
and we're figuring out
who goes where in this plot.
But they don't share
like my family shares.
My family comes over,
it's a critique of everything.
My father comes to critique
everything in the house.
He asks me what I paid
for stuff constantly.
He'll walk around
the house and just,
"How much, how much
you pay for that?"
"What they take you for?
Tell me."
So now I gotta give him
parent price.
You can't tell your parents
the full price.
They'll have a heart attack.
You gotta knock 90% off.
But my father can't even
take the parent price.
I go, "I don't know, Dad.
I think it was $400--"
I could make this."
What you can make
a 65" Samsung TV set?
What the hell
are you talking...?
Different families.
My wife's family, God,
I spent six days
with them
a couple months ago.
Now, when I go to her side
of the family,
I got no blood relation there.
I got nobody to confide in.
I can't tap anybody and go,
"Did you see that?"
Now, my wife's got a nephew
on that side that, well,
these types of kids,
he's all over the restaurant.
He'll go to a restaurant,
he don't sit still,
boom, he's gone.
Now, I'm the type,
I can handle a conversation,
but in the back
of my head, I'm like,
"Is somebody
gonna handle this?"
So I lose him for about
a minute and a half.
I become concerned
because I don't know
where the hell he's at.
He comes from behind me,
and he chops me
right in the neck.
I look right at the parents.
Nothing. They're just,
"Oh, well, he's just
a kid, you know?"
Do you know what
would happen to me
if I ever slapped an adult
at a restaurant?
[audience cheers]
My father would come
from behind me,
put a black bag over my head...
and take me to
an undisclosed location.
I would return
one hour later,
a brand-new kid.
There'd be a lot of bowing.
"I'm so sorry.
I am so sorry.
My father just informed me
that I'm gonna be working
for you free of charge...
for the next 12 years
of my life.
I apologize deeply."
But the reason I fell
in love with my wife
is because
she is so different.
She brings out
a lot of things in me
that no one ever has.
She loves to go out.
Loves people. Loves to go...
Here, she came home
a couple of months ago.
She's like,
"Met a great couple,
they invited us to their home
for a dinner party."
In my head, I'm like,
"This sounds terrible.
I don't want..."
I have an allergic reaction
to people I don't like.
Right away, I feel it. I itch.
But not everything's
an argument.
So I told my wife, "Eh, yeah...
When is it? Saturday night,
my night off?
Yeah, I'd love to go.
All strangers?
Everybody's gonna
be a stranger?"
So we get in the car.
We start to drive.
The whole ride there
she's promoting the couple.
It's her couple.
She's gotta talk them up.
She's like,
"You're gonna love these two.
She's an interior designer.
She is so creative.
You're gonna love the guy too.
He's a stay-at-home dad.
I didn't grow up with
the stay-at-home dad community.
I didn't--
You don't really find that
in the Italian culture.
You rarely hear a woman go,
"No, Gino's at home
with the kid.
No, he doesn't work.
He just watches Peppa Pig
with the kid."
That wasn't my father,
I'll tell you that.
He wasn't testing milk
on his arm.
"Yeah, no, you can
give him the bottle.
I think it's good."
Dad was working
18 hours a day.
I think I formally met my dad
when I was 18 years old.
He had a little break.
He's like,
"Hey, how you doing?
I'm your father.
I'm your father.
Everything going okay?
Everything growing?"
So we pull up
to the house.
We get out of the car.
Now, we don't go right in
'cause my wife's
gotta coach me
before we go into
any social event.
She's gotta fix me,
she's always fixing me.
My wife's just, "Here, just..."
[grunting] "Fix me up."
She's gotta tell
me what to do.
She's like, "Just smile
when you're in there,
just smile at people."
My wife don't think I smile
around strangers.
She thinks I got
a mean resting face.
Like, if I'm not
talking or smiling,
it looks like I could murder
your entire family.
So I tell my wife,
"Don't worry about it.
It's just new people.
We're gonna have fun."
So come up to the door.
I ring the bell.
They came to the door
as a couple.
That bothered me.
[mouthing words]
Just send one representative
to the door.
Both of you don't
have to come holding hands.
Now you walk in.
It's a house I've never
been in before.
As soon as I walk in,
I look at everything around me.
I'm walking into
a new environment,
I take a 360,
and I take it in.
I look for escape routes.
My wife don't
look at nothin'.
My wife's in the clouds.
She's just walking.
Could be
a burning building.
She would,
"Whoa, wow, it's hot.
Think I'll try over here."
So I see the guy
right away.
He's got a T-shirt, #Dad.
Then he tells me, "Can you
take your shoes off, please?
This is a shoe-free
I said, "What the fuck
did you just tell me to do?"
Shoes don't come off.
My shoes come on once a night.
That's it.
I know some of you aren't
even feeling this right now
'cause you do this to people.
Don't do this.
Do not do this
to grown people.
All right? You're
sitting there going,
"Wh-wh-what's wrong with that?
We have people take
their shoes off all the ti--
We have white carpet."
Why you got white carpet?
And my wife knows how I feel
about the shoe thing.
She taps me. She's like,
"Just take them off.
Take them off.
These are nice people."
So now I gotta remove my shoes
in front of two people
I just met.
Try and hold a conversation.
It's strange, you know?
"So how long have
you lived here?"
So I dropped my shoes
in the shoe farm.
Now I'm walking around
a stranger's house
in my socks.
Meeting other grown men
in their socks.
"Hey, how--?"
There's four guys
in a sock circle.
One guy came up,
he was barefoot.
I almost threw up
in my mouth.
The guy was barefoot.
He wanted to talk
serious topics.
He's like, "What do you
think of ISIS?"
I said, "What do you think
about putting some socks?"
"ISIS is the least
of your concerns."
The bunion on this guy
was so large,
his big toe was headed
for the kitchen.
You're showcasing
this tonight?
What happened to you?
But my wife's voice
is in the back of my head.
Be friendly. Be open.
So it's a group of guys.
They all know each other.
They don't know me.
They all went
to college together.
They're in their mid-40s.
I'm just summing everything up
as I'm listening, huh?
Okay, here's this.
This is this. I got this.
But they're reminiscing
about the college years
because they're unhappy
in their life right now.
We all know these people
in their mid-40s.
They gotta go back about
25 years to figure out,
"Hey." And they always
refer to each other
by their last name.
"Hey, Schmitty, remember?
Remember college?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Beer bong? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Pissing in the yard?"
Yeah, that's the type of guys
that do fantasy football.
That's all they do.
"Hey, how's your receivers?"
"Oh, my receivers
are really good this year."
So I break out of that.
I start making my way
to the kitchen.
Now I start noticing
baby gates
all over the house.
Take the baby gates down
when you got people over.
It's weird. Now I'm walking
around the house...
So I go right to the kitchen
'cause I'm hungry.
There's no food.
They got nothing to pick on.
I become very concerned.
You have to understand
about the way I grew up.
I grew up in a house,
there was food everywhere.
Every two feet,
you just bump in...
So good.
I had a grandmother
who lived in the basement
just cranking out lasagnas.
It was like a lasagna factory
in the basement.
Food just kept coming up
the stairs for no reason.
There was meat hanging
from the ceiling.
There was a sauce room
with a bunch of dates
on masking tape.
It's all this woman did
was cook.
My grandmother never had a job.
She just cooked in the basement
with a salmon-colored nightgown
with her tits
hanging out the side.
Didn't even use a spoon.
Just her hand.
Nylons up to the knee.
Her fat foot shoved
in a shoe.
Little white shoe
with a strap
with the fat trying to escape
any part of the shoe.
My grandmother had
so much sodium in her diet,
she was constantly swollen.
There was no allergies
back then.
You just ate the bread
and just dealt with the rash.
Grandma didn't speak nothin'.
No English. Nothin'.
She'd always come,
you know,
try to find me
in the house.
[imitates Italian]
"I feed you meal.
Come here.
I got spare. I give it.
Here take it.
Take it. It for you."
It's a dime.
We called her Grandma.
That was her name.
No stupid nickname
for my grandmother.
Ever hear how people refer
to their grandparents?
"Oh, this is my memaw
and my peepaw." What?
"This is my pee pee
and my poo poo." Huh?
The guy's 95 years old.
He fought in World War II.
Stormed the beach at Normandy.
Now his name is Pee Pee?
What are you doing
to the man?
Have some respect.
My grandfather was my hero.
My grandfather
could do anything.
This guy had seven,
eight different jobs.
He could make you
a pair of shoes overnight.
What man could do that today,
with the, "Hey, hey,
how's your receivers?"
My grandfather just lived
in the yard like a man.
Just... no shirt.
No shirt on my grandfather.
Just hair everywhere.
Coming off his shoulders
like a palm tree.
Right out of his nipples
like weeping willows.
Just 12 inches of immigrant hair
coming right out of his tits.
He would sweat like a pig,
my grandfather.
He would do eight hours
of yard work.
He would come back in.
Within his chest hair
were grass clippings,
ants, twigs,
dirt between the fat roll.
He'd go right
for the watermelon.
My grandfather, that's all
he did was eat watermelon.
And the way he prepared it
was a lot different
than my American friends.
When we went over to
our American friend's house
for watermelon,
it was unbelievable,
the presentation they did.
The mother actually
balled out the watermelon.
She had a baller.
Seedless watermelon.
She took her time
to make balls
in a little Tupperware thing.
And the kids would come in.
She would put out
the Tupperware
with the balls with toothpicks.
So you'd come in,
you would get your toothpick,
you would stab your ball.
"Oh, Mrs. Johnson, this
is really sweet watermelon.
Where did you get that?"
Not my grandfather.
He came to the table
with a large watermelon
with a serrated machete
hanging off his hip.
Start cutting large triangles
for the family.
[imitates thudding]
Heh, here ya are!
[audience cheers]
He would distribute triangles
that no one could handle
on paper plates.
God knows why the hell
they used paper plates
for watermelon.
Ever watch your family
eat watermelon?
It's disgusting.
Seeds are flying
all over the table.
You get hit in the head
with a stray seed.
So we're at this party.
I gotta go find my wife.
Now my wife, I find her
in a compliment circle
with six other women.
They're comparing notes.
They're complimenting
each other on the outfits.
"Oh, are those gel nails?"
"Yeah, they're gel nails.
It's the bronzer.
All the bronzer..."
So I tell my wife, I go,
"Get over here. Come here."
I go, "We gotta
get outta here.
There's no food."
She like, "What are you
talking about?"
There's six chicken wings
and 33 people.
Can I have a wing?
I don't wanna have
to do math at a party.
I threw a barbecue last week.
12 burgers. 12 people.
12 slices of tomato.
What if I want another slice?
I don't want to have to count
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8.
Can I have two, or am I
stealing from somebody else?
Well, my wife's Jewish.
A different, uh...
different culture.
When you marry
into a Jewish family,
I'm telling you, anything,
if you have any differences
in culture, religion,
it's an adjustment.
For example,
when we got married,
we had a rabbi and a priest.
Total scam.
Total scam.
We met them at a restaurant.
They were gonna tell us
how the ceremony
was gonna work.
And the Jewish rabbi
was there very early.
Had a lot of paperwork
for us to sign.
Of course, my father,
"Don't sign nothing!
You sign that,
then you're Jewish."
We had an Italian priest.
He came 45 minutes late.
Didn't even look like a priest.
No collar. Nothing.
Everything unbuttoned.
Smelled phenomenal.
Hitting on my wife.
"Everything all right?"
Now we get married.
My wife likes different things.
She likes shopping
different places.
She loves Whole Foods.
That's her store.
She sends me there
every once in a while.
Can't stand going in.
She goes, "Babe,
can you go to Whole--"
"I-- I-- I don't
wanna go there."
The people over there bother me.
You ever go to Whole Foods?
Everybody at Whole Foods
looks like
they make their own clothes.
Right? There's hemp clothing,
comes in two colors,
oatmeal and throw up.
Everybody's eating seeds.
They get serious
when they ask a question.
They gotta hold their heart.
They come up
to the meat counter,
"Is it organic?
Is it farm to table?
Do the chickens
have friends
and do they play well
with one another?"
Gets weird. In the middle
of the store, it changes.
It goes from fruits
and vegetables
to soaps and potions.
Nobody knows what
they're doing in this section.
You just kind of end up
in there.
"Oh, wow.
I don't recognize
anything in here.
I gotta get out of here."
There's always a person
walking around
with a little vial,
trying to find,
"What does this do?
What is this?"
And some hippie
that works there
falls out
of the shelving unit.
"Well, that's argan oil.
That's argan oil.
It has multiple uses.
You could drizzle
a bit on your salads.
It helps with digestion.
Also, put some underneath
your nose.
It opens up your nasal way.
And lastly, if you have
a rash on your asshole,
just pepper some in.
Just... Absolutely.
Preferably in the morning.
It clears up by the afternoon.
It's $8,000 for the vial.
Just check out, if you like."
The store is weird.
The problem is
everybody over there
thinks they're saving
the planet.
It's the big green movement
at Whole Foods.
And if you're doing
the green thing,
God bless you. I've tried.
It's just not for me.
It's... I've got friends
that brag
about how green they are.
You go to their house,
they're like, "Look at the--
Look at the light bulbs
in my-- in my kitchen.
I'm saving, uh, 53%
on my electricity bill
'cause I got green light bulbs."
I go, "Yeah? I can't see you.
You are dim. You're dim."
Now, at Whole Foods,
they make you feel bad.
God forbid you get a bag.
I ask for a bag.
The guys says,
"Are you gonna take a...?
Take a bag
and destroy our planet?"
I go, "I don't know.
I got 93 items.
What do you want
me to do? Just--"
It's weird over there.
They got a masseuse.
There's a masseuse propped up
in the store just...
rubbing some guy's scapula.
He don't even know
where to look.
He's trying to figure out,
"How the hell did I end up
at Whole Foods, massaging people
near the lavender chips?"
I've never told my wife, "Babe,
I gotta go get some grapes.
And I got a knot
in my neck so bad.
I hope he's in aisle eight."
So different, my wife and I.
My wife loves Halloween.
That's her, uh...
that's her deal.
She loves giving out
candy to the kids.
Now, my house,
before I met my wife,
dark on Halloween.
Shut the shit down.
But, you know,
you're married now.
You gotta,
"Oh, yeah, let's do it."
We get the bowl.
We get ready
for our trick-or-treaters.
I was into it at first.
I was into it.
I go, "Okay,
I'm gonna do this."
So the kids start
coming up to the door.
No outfits. Nothing.
No "trick-or-treat."
You put one in.
"That's it? That's it?"
"Yeah, that's it!"
I look on the sidewalk,
the parents are there.
Both parents.
The mother and the father.
The father's got a wagon, drunk.
All right, a keg in the thing.
Telling his kid,
"Get in. Get in.
We're going
to the next house."
Halloween brings out
the neighbors, though.
Man, my neighbors come out.
I'm not neighborly.
That's not me.
I don't, you know...
I'm friendly,
but I'm not neighborly.
I don't come out of my house
and wave if I see the guy
across the street.
You know,
you see a lot of people,
"Hey! Hi, Frank!
How's it going?
The lawn looks good.
Looks good."
That ain't me.
I come out of my house,
head down,
hop in the car.
Gone. Gone!
This woman across the street,
God... always in our business.
I can't stand her.
Can't stand her.
She was coming over.
I saw her through the window.
I said, "Look at this.
Here she comes.
Here she comes."
She comes over, she's like,
"I noticed you're not part
of the teal pumpkin program."
I said, "What's that?"
"Well, you paint
a pumpkin teal green
and that signifies
that your home hands out
non-food items.
So we are handing out
spider rings,
necklaces, notepads."
I said, "Get the fuck
off my porch.
Go home.
This is Halloween, I got
Kit Kats and Snicker bars.
The city is handing out
Could you imagine a poor kid
comes home with a notepad.
All of his buddies
are eating Reese's Pieces.
He's in the corner
taking note.
Even the way we do
vacations is different.
My wife loves activities
on vacation.
I don't like that.
I like to go--
My idea of vacation,
you eat, you drink,
you lay down.
Yeah, that's it.
I don't do tours.
You sign up for a tour
with the 16 strangers.
You see it around
New York City.
The Chinese
with the flags and...
"Follow the yellow flag
if you get lost."
They all got
their earmuffs on.
They're listening
to some recorded message.
"The Empire State Building
was built..."
I don't do that.
I don't do it.
So we planned the vacation.
We went to Turkey.
It was two years ago.
I recommend it.
Not now.
Even two years ago,
it was volatile.
We're watching the news,
a bomb went off
next to the hotel
that we were gonna stay at.
So we became concerned.
I called. I called Turkey.
I called the hotel.
I go, "Hi, uh, we're
a little concerned here.
Just saw that a bomb went off
next to the hotel."
And the guy's like,
"No, it...
Come on, it's to the side."
"No, it... they don't come here.
We are eating tabbouleh,
and we are dancing
in the streets."
I go, "People are on fire
in front of your hotel.
Is it safe? Is it safe?"
So like idiots, we go.
"Oh, it'll be good.
It'll be good."
So my wife signs us up
for a Turkish bath.
I said, "Okay, that sounds...
How bad could a bath be?"
I said, "I'll go to that."
So we get there.
She goes to her side.
I go to my side.
I'm greeted
by a, uh, Turkish boy.
He's 14 years old.
He doesn't
speak English well, you know?
He comes up to me, he's like,
"Hello, my name is Hassan.
You-- you want to come?"
I go, "What?
I got the bath.
Where's the bath?"
So he takes me to,
like, a dressing room.
He gives me a towel.
It's not even a towel.
It's like a dish rag.
I like towels.
I like big towels.
A lot of excess
so I could tuck it.
It's like a dish rag.
I gotta hold it together.
So now I gotta come
into the waiting room.
I know my left nut's
hanging out for sure.
I see my boy.
He's got a towel on.
Now I'm like,
"Why are your nuts out and mine?
What is happening here?"
I'm trying to figure out,
did my wife check
the wrong box?
Where's the tub?
Now he takes me, he goes,
"I'm going to wash."
I go, "Me? I..."
He goes, "Yes, I wash."
I go, "I thought this was,
like, a tub where you..."
And he takes me into a room.
It's a communal room
with men everywhere,
naked with suds,
and little boys
just scrubbing with mitts.
I go, "God, is this
on my plan?"
He takes me to the side,
he sits me on a tuffet.
He's looking right at me,
and he's got
a little pail of water.
And he starts chucking it
at my face, just--
I felt like I was
getting waterboarded.
I was ready to tell this kid
my deepest secrets.
Just, "Don't, don't, don't."
Then he takes me to a room.
Small. I go, "Oh, God,
what's this all about?"
It's a massage table.
He lays me down.
Puts my head in the donut.
Starts working my shoulders.
Now, I'm sitting there,
I'm looking at his feet.
And after two minutes,
the feet disappear.
I'm like, "What the...?"
The guy hopped up on the bed.
His testicles were on my neck.
Now he takes me
back to the locker room.
Everybody in there,
every man in there is ashamed.
Everybody's just dressing
Nobody's making eye contact.
So I come out. I see my wife.
She's beautiful.
God, she's glowing.
Smile. She's like, "God,
that was so amazing.
It's one of the best
experiences of my life.
How was yours?"
I go, "I was just raped
by a 14-year-old monkey.
I wanna go home.
I wanna go home."
But I love this.
I love doing this.
It's taken me a lot
of different places.
I performed in Italy recently.
-It was a-- It was a--
-[audience cheers]
Yeah, beautiful.
And I took my wife,
and we went,
it was in Tuscany.
Now, we check in
to our hotel room.
We go to the pool, start
looking around the pool.
See a beautiful couple
come down.
Beautiful couple
just on their honeymoon.
You could tell
they had recently married.
The woman
was well put together.
Had a nice sun hat on.
Big brim, nice wedge.
Ladies, get yourself
a nice wedge
for the pool deck.
Had a nice
see through sash.
Just blew in the wind.
Guy had a nice
swim trunk on.
Right here. Mid-thigh.
Guys, get yourself
a nice trunk
for the season.
You seen some of these men,
they wear this, uh, swim suit
down to the--
What are you wearing? Slacks?
They get out of the pool,
half of the pool's
caught in their legs.
So they get into the pool.
They start to swim as a couple.
I've never seen
anything like it.
She's doing the breaststroke.
The guy's doing the butterfly.
You know how confident
you have to be
to pull off the butterfly?
I've never seen the butterfly
outside the Olympics.
This guy is doing
a recreational butterfly
on his honeymoon.
You know how violent that is?
The entire pool
looks like a Jacuzzi.
Kids are drowned.
Then I'm looking at these kids.
I don't even know what
they're wearing, these kids.
They're covered from head
to toe, eight-year-old kid.
He's got long sleeves on.
He's got a hat
with flaps over his ears.
SPF 30,000. What the hell?
The kid looks like a mime.
He's got every apparatus on
known to man,
a breathing tube,
goggles, flippers.
What are you looking for?
It's a pool.
There's no coral.
I had none of this growing up.
I asked my father, "Dad, I wanna
look underneath the water."
"Open up your eyes!"
By the end of the vacation,
I was blind,
I couldn't see shit.
So they stopped swimming.
The guy's out of breath.
I'm looking at him,
he got long hair.
The type of hair
you gotta dip in the pool,
then flip back.
Oh, God, soon as I saw that,
I pat my wife, I go,
"We gotta meet this guy.
This guy's sensational."
But I don't know if you
ever talked to somebody
so magnificent before
that you have nothing to share.
I had nothing to tell this guy.
This guy had
multiple careers at 16.
He played in the French Open.
At 32, he had a big law firm.
Now he's running
a big hedge fund.
Then he tells us,
"We summer in Capri.
Where do you summer?"
"Our backyard."
I don't know what the hell
you're talking about.
We take a week off a year.
You got the summers?
[woman yells]
What's that?
This is not the title
of this one,
but aren't you embarrassed?
[audience cheers]
While we were there,
we found out
that Andrea Bocelli
was performing in Tuscany.
Anybody know who this is?
So we got the tickets.
We got soaked
on the tickets, okay?
Let me tell you something
about tickets
'cause I've been
getting a lot,
especially from
the New York show.
"This is ridiculous.
They're $700 a ticket."
I don't have any control
on the fucking
ticket price.
Okay? I put them on sale,
they gobble them up.
And people sell them.
That's why they're
so damn much.
You think I would do that?
I don't do that.
So I got it on the other end.
I got the Bocelli tickets.
When I heard the price,
inside my body was a shock,
but I had to act
like it was nothing.
You ever get, you know, like,
"Yeah, no, that's all right."
And then I gotta tell my wife,
"Don't eat for three days."
Here you go.
So we go.
It's beautiful.
I couldn't-- I mean,
it was outside.
8,000 people
in the middle of Tuscany.
Rolling hills all around us.
We sit down, the guy comes out,
gives us two hours,
singing his life out.
Ends the concert.
Me and my wife start to leave.
We walk down a gravel road.
We're holding hands.
Everybody's exiting
just talking about the show.
That's what you do.
You go see a show,
and you talk about it
on the way out.
You're gonna do it tonight.
You're gonna go,
"Oh, he was all right.
He was all right.
You wanna get
some ice cream or something?"
So me and my wife,
holding hands, walking down
the gravel road.
Now coming towards us
is a guy telling people
to get the hell
out of the way.
Behind them is Bocelli
on a white horse.
The guy's blind.
There's no safety code.
No city ordinance in Italy.
The guy's blind, riding a horse
through 8,000 people.
Nobody said shit.
Could you imagine tonight
if I had a white stallion
out front
and took it down Broadway?
I'd get pulled over
at the light.
"What the fuck
are you doing?"
"Nah, I saw Bocelli
do it in Tuscany."
God bless you.
You guys have been great.
Thanks for coming out.
I had a blast.
A blast.
Thank you so much.
So nice. So nice.
Love it.
[electronic music playing]