Secret Santa (2015) Movie Script

- Why the hell
are we leaving so early?
- Because you
got us kicked out.
- We got kicked out?
- No, not we,
you got kicked out.
- Uh, why?
- 'Cause the bouncer
didn't like it too much
when you threw up all over him.
- Hey, I tried
to make up for that.
- I don't think making
out with him right after you
puked up your stomach
lining was a very good idea.
- I just don't
think he was into blondes.
- Yeah, let's go with that.
- Okay.
- One, and two,
okay, okay, okay.
All right, can you stand?
I need to open the door.
Are you, okay, okay.
I'm so proud of you,
I'm so proud of you.
Son of a bitch.
- It's too cold.
- I can't imagine why.
How the hell am I --
Thank you for being a
lightweight, Carissa.
Merry Christmas from
your secret santa.
We're not suppose to do
secret santa until tomorrow.
A power drill.
Interesting gift choice.
Bath bombs, lottery tickets,
but a power drill.
Whoever's screwing with me,
it is 10 p.m. on a
Friday and I am sober
so I am not in the mood.
- Hey.
- Jeez.
- I'm sorry.
Are you okay?
What are you yelling about?
- It's fine, it's nothing.
It's just someone's
screwing with me.
It's not you is it?
- No, I wish I had that
much time on my hands.
Are you okay?
Yeah, yeah, It's just,
whatever, you know.
- Okay well, holler
if you need anything.
- Will do.
- Ooohhh, god.
I'm home?
- Oh yes!
Merry Christmas, Wiggles.
Why thank you Senor Clappy.
And remember boys,
buy me gold today.
I bring out Mr.
Plunger, oh spank me!
Here's a refund boys.
- Uhh, someone had
better be dead.
I'm coming.
- Whoa, seen better days, huh?
- Nicole, Brian's here.
- Shit.
Oh shit.
I'm coming.
- You wouldn't happen to
have a Percocet on you?
- Just black tar heroin.
- Thanks.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- You ready to go?
- Yeah.
- Aren't you gonna
take any notes?
- Nah, he'll post 'em online.
- Okay.
- What'd I miss?
Okay, 72 hour study
session, starts now.
It's cumulative.
What do you mean,
the server's down?
Who even reads these
things anymore?
Let's do this shit.
Bag, bag, I need bag, bag.
- Here are the rest of the
exam booklets you asked for.
- Ah, thank you kindly.
- Anything else you need?
Anything at all?
- Look, as tempting
as that is, right now
we can't, not now.
- Why not? We have time.
I'll only be your TA
for three more hours.
- Well, I mean, three hours,
that's three hours
for us to get caught.
- It's more fun that way.
- Give me today.
After the exam, we can
announce that we're a couple.
- Really?
- Yep.
I can shout it
from that rooftop,
right there if you'd like.
- Well, I do have the
perfect plan for us to make
our first appearance together.
- Oohh, I love events.
Do tell.
- It's a party at
my place, tonight.
More of a small get
together, really.
- Um, well, I'm really
a party kind of a dude.
And I don't know how
comfortable I feel
partying with my students.
- After today they
won't be your students.
for me.
- I'd love to go.
- Thank you.
- Professor.
- Shit.
- Uh, my face.
- Where the hell
is my straightener.
Eh, thank you, Jerri.
- Ready.
- Yeah, I think so.
Can I take a look at your
notes again real quick?
- Yeah.
- What?
- Musta forgot 'em.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Are you feelin' all right?
- Huh, why, what'da you mean?
- You seem a bit jittery.
- Me, jittery?
No, no, I'm not jittery.
Top of the world,
steady as a rock.
- When was the last
time you slept.
- Ah, one, two
three days ago, quiet
frankly I don't remember.
- Jesus, Duane.
- Are you sure you're
ready to write today?
- I,
I was born ready.
Come on, let's go.
- Hi baby.
I just wanted to call and
say good luck this morning.
I have a bit of a
surprise for you tonight.
I miss you.
Sorry I was so
grouchy this morning.
- I can't talk right now.
- Are you coming?
- Be right there.
I have to go.
- Uh, where's the stapler.
A little peak won't hurt.
Professor Ramsey's office.
- Everything good.
- Yeah, that was just
my mom, wishing me luck.
- Aww.
- Oh shit.
- Everything okay?
Phones off desks.
- Hey!
- Hello.
- In here.
- Not bad.
- Thanks.
- Can I make a
slight suggestion.
- Well I'm sure you're gonna
make one no matter what
I say, so sure.
- The wreath just looks
a little bit off center.
- Looks fine to me.
- Okay, that's fine.
Ah just,
- Why don't I just run
through this quickly
to save some time.
You tell me the wreath's
off center, I say it's fine.
You adjust it anyway.
Next you tell me the
garland's wrapped too tight.
We argue for about an hour,
resulting in you taking
over the decorating while I,
out of frustration,
get shit-faced.
Sound about right?
- Couldn't a said
it better myself.
- Good, I've been itching
for a drink since 11.
- Did you see Jerri when
you left this morning?
- No, I haven't seen
her since last night.
She said someone's
playing a prank on her.
- It's the first
I've heard of it.
- She wasn't in her
room this morning,
and I know for a fact
that girl does not
get up before noon.
- Exam?
- She finished three days ago.
- Something probably came up.
I'm sure she'll be back
to make up for last night.
That girl can smell a
party from miles away.
- Yeah.
- A
pull station in the building
has been activated,
please exit the building.
A pull station in the
building has been activated,
please exit the building.
- Why?
- There's something
I need to tell you.
- Sure.
- I,
certain people.
We all have debt.
- Okay.
- I found a way --
- Do you need some money?
- No, no, I don't need money?
- What is it?
- Nothing, it's nothing.
I was just wondering how
you got your financial aid.
- Just go down to the
student resource center
and fill out some forms.
Do you want me to go with you?
- No, no, it's all right.
8 o'clock here?
- I'll be here.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- There's some mail
on the counter for ya.
- Thanks.
Oh no.
Tuition bill, utilities bill.
Is anyone gonna
eat this cucumber?
- Bring in the bomb squad.
- Hello everyone, and welcome
to cooking with Naughty Nicki.
I just need $200 to
start the show, yes.
Thank you Jimmy Jellyfish.
Someone's what?
That's not funny Jimmy,
I'm kicking you out.
Silent night,
Holy --
- Oh there's one.
- Care to donate?
- Oh god, oh god,
what have I done?
You, you, you
didn't deserve this.
- Fucking asshole.
Hey Liv, toss me that
bottle a Jack would ya?
Somebody get the door!
- I'll get it.
A little early there, Duane.
- Sleep, I just wanna sleep.
Why won't anybody let me sleep?
- Okay, come on in sweetie.
Carissa, I need a
little help in here.
- what the
hell happened to you?
- Did Nicole do something to
her hair, she looks different?
- Sweetie that's Carissa.
- No it's not.
- Okay, I think you crammed
way too hard this time,
let's get you to bed.
- I need a drink first.
- You're hilarious.
Let's put him in Jer's room.
She's not there, she won't mind.
- Oh.
- Uhh.
- Smells like Jer forgot
to take out the garbage.
- Yeah, it's a little stinky.
- Sleep.
- If you insist.
- Hey.
- Oh, what the
hell are you doin' here?
- Well you left your door
unlocked, so I just let myself in.
- You should not be here.
- Would you relax.
Nobody saw me.
- Don't get comfy, you gotta go.
- That's funny, 'cause
you weren't too keen on
me leaving the other night.
Wanna have a quickie
before the party?
- What we did the
other night, it was a mistake.
- A mistake?
- Look, I'm with Nicole.
- Well it wasn't her
name you were calling out
the other night.
- Carissa,
you're a
a nice girl,
but what we did,
we can never do that again.
- What do you see in her anyway?
She's a boring prep, and a
lousy lay too, I'm betting.
- We're over, done, terminito.
I don't love you.
I love Nicole.
- Well, what will
she think of you
when she finds out
you slept with me.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, why
would you tell her that?
- Well, it's the truth.
And me being a good
Catholic and all,
I'd have to confess in
order to be forgiven.
- Let's not bring
religion into this.
- Well, there is one thing you
might be able to do for me.
Something that
will keep me quiet.
- Anything.
- You're a peach.
- Hee, hee, hee,
that was fun boys.
Until next time, keep being a
donor and keep tugging that --
Just a second, I'm not dressed.
- Hey, I could use your
help if you're not --
Hey, we're suppose to
share those you know.
- Yeah, I've been on a
real health kick lately.
- You're not the only one.
I could use a hand.
- I'm just gonna get dressed.
- Are you all right,
you seem a bit stressed.
- Yeah just normal stuff,
I have a lot of bills.
- If you want, I can
pull some strings and
get you a job on campus.
- That's okay, I have
something in the works.
- Great.
Do you want some?
- No, no thanks.
I've had my fair share
of roughage today.
- Okay.
- What is up, Je, uhh.
- Duane?
Oh Jesus.
Buddy, are you all right?
- Jer, Jerri.
- Yes, you're
in Jerri's room.
- No, she's, she's --
- She's what?
- She's under there.
- Under where?
What are you talking about?
- She's under the bed.
She's, she's missing an eye.
- Okay, I think someone
needs to go back to bed.
- But, but...
- It's you.
- I swear, just look.
- Duane, there's nothing there.
- What?
But, but, that's impossible.
- You must have hallucinated.
Come on hun, let's
get some sleep.
I'll call you when
the party starts.
- Is he okay?
- Well, he's still
seeing things.
- Oh.
- That'll be the pizza.
- Pizza, I'm
making hors d'oeuvres.
- Oh hey, how's it goin'?
- Good thanks.
- Yeah, that'll be um,
- Keep the change.
- Oh, thanks.
Hey, don't I know
you from somewhere?
- I've got one of those faces.
- No, I --
Bitch, I don't know why
she didn't stop, I just...
- Oh!
- Hey!
What're you doin' down there?
I don't get paid
enough for this shit.
- Got it.
- Hey.
For the host.
- Thank you, how thoughtful.
I'll take that for you.
Come on in.
- Brian.
- Carissa.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey.
- Wanna drink?
- Sure.
So, where's your squeeze
for tonight, Liv?
- Well, according to her,
we get to meet this
mystery man tonight.
- Oh, really, do I know him?
- Ah, you've probably
seen him around.
Careful, they're hot.
- Shit!
- You idiot.
- Okay guys, dig in.
- Thought I smelled
something good.
- Hey, look who
decided to wake up.
- Feeling better?
- Much, much.
And after a few a these I
will be right as fuckin' rain.
- Has anyone heard from Jerri?
- No.
- I tried texting her today
and I still haven't
heard anything.
- Weird, I'll try her now.
Eat up guys.
- Ehha.
- Oh, oha.
- Uck.
- What the hell was that?
- Ohha.
- Shit, she's coming.
- The vest.
- Get rid of it.
- I just sent her a text so
hopefully we'll hear back soon.
- Shit, I forgot candles.
- Get rid of the rest.
- What?
- She's gonna make
us eat them all.
- Shit.
- Wow, you guys were hungry.
- Delicious.
- Well done.
- Great, I'll go grab some more.
I'm so happy that
you guys are hungry,
I bought these in bulk.
- Got it.
Professor Ramsey?
- Duane.
- Is he really here right now?
- Yes, sweetie.
- Oohhh, that explains it.
- Thank you so much for coming.
- I wouldn't miss it.
These are for you.
- Thank you, they're beautiful.
- Shall we
brave the snake pit?
- We'll be fine, come on.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
That would be good,
maybe I'll do that too.
- This is gonna be good.
- Guys, I'm sure you'll
remember Professor Ramsey.
He's my
- I'm no longer your teacher
so you can feel free
to call me Preston.
- My casserole, thank god.
I will grab you
a drink.
- You're gonna go
in there, okay,
well, that I could
use, right about now.
- No fuckin' way.
- That explains why she's
been so cryptic about it.
- Isn't he a little old?
- It's the elbow-padded
blazers man,
women are just helpless to them.
- Right.
- Well that couldn't have
been any more awkward.
- You might wanna
leave the bottle.
- Look, everything's
gonna be fine,
they're just in shock.
- You sound like someone died.
Hey, great work on that essay.
- It took a lot a guts
to do what you just did.
They're gonna be a
little distant at first.
You're just the newbie of
the group, they'll love you.
I promise.
- Hey, hey, hey, I haven't
been the newbie in 10 years.
- Are you coming?
- I'll be right there.
- So, Professor Ramsey,
- It's the jackets, right?
- What?
Look, you guys please, you
gotta help me out here.
He's a really nice
guy, just talk to him.
- It's a little weird.
- You're a little weird.
Don't worry, I'll make
everyone play nice.
And that goes double for you.
- Ah.
- Oh.
It's from Jer.
Says she's sorry that
she left last minute.
Her grandfather passed
away last night.
- Oh no, that's awful.
- Shit.
- At least we
know where she is now.
- Yeah.
- Oh, ah, Preston, you
gotta tell me where you got
that cool jacket from.
- Huh, you like it?
- Yeah, yeah, of course.
- It was actually a gift
from an old friend of mine,
He went down to Paris.
Don't touch it.
- Sorry.
- Does anyone smell burning?
- Oh shit.
Oh no!
Dammit it's burnt.
Maybe it's salvageable.
- It, It's gone.
- Nicki
- All right, let's get this
secret santa party started.
- Yeah!
- Who wants to be
our elf, Duane?
- No, not again.
I nominate new guy.
- I second that.
- Hey, all right,
I guess I'm up.
- Probably shoulda
mentioned the dress code.
- How silly of me.
- One at a time, hun.
- To Brian, from secret santa.
- Ah, thank you.
You know, all this unwrapping's
making me a little thirsty,
hold on.
Um, ah, all right.
Oh, great, exactly what I
asked for, a meat cleaver.
Thank you.
- I didn't get you that.
- The whole point of
secret santa is that
it's suppose to be a secret.
- Well, that's not
what I got you.
- Maybe there was a mix-up.
Did anyone get someone
a meat cleaver?
- That's not how the
game's suppose to work.
- Okay then...
- I need a refill, anyone else?
- Yeah, yeah, I
think I need one.
- Don't have to ask me twice.
- Yeah, I'm actually gonna go
use the little elves' room.
- Guys, we literally
just started.
- Oh, hey!
- Hey, can we talk in private?
- Sure.
- Okay.
- Everything all right?
- I have something to confess.
- Confess?
- Do remember when I was telling
you about my student debt?
- Yeah.
- Well I found a way
to pay it off, fast.
- You're a kinda
freakin' me out here.
Did you sell a
kidney or somethin'?
- No kidneys no.
Look, before I show you,
I really don't want you to
get weirded out or anything.
- Show me?
- I found a job,
even though unorthodox,
I really love.
- What is it?
- It's performative.
I get to work with a lot of
people and you know I'm a
real people person.
- Right.
- Oh screw it, I'm
just gonna show you.
- Holy shit!
- This is what I do.
- I don't understand.
- Well, come sit down.
- Is that a squash?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Hi Al.
No, I won't put that there.
You want me to use
the big black one.
Oh I love it when
it goes deeper.
Say something.
- Something.
- It's not something I
ever planned on doing.
Let alone, liking.
I just started 'cause I could
make over 500 bucks a week.
Then, after awhile,
I started liking it.
I really like it.
- Is it not good enough with me?
- No, no, of course not.
I love making love to you.
This is well,
it's different.
- Different, right.
- Brian, just...
- No, I need a second.
- Shit.
- Hey stranger.
Everything all right.
- Well, just found out that
my girlfriend's a porn star.
Has your evening
panning out so far?
- A porn star?
- Oh, sorry, forgive me.
A web cam model.
Is that the proper
occupational title?
- Oh, really?
Oh man.
- Yeah, yeah, just laugh it up.
- I'm sorry, I just never
figured her as the type.
- Oh yeah, yeah, she's
quite the little nympho.
She's got more leather up
there than a 50s greaser.
- I always thought she was
just a loud masturbater.
- Can I have some of that?
Ah, christ.
- You poor, poor thing.
- Sorry.
Sorry, I can't.
- Oh really?
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Look, I'm
sorry I
freaked out back there.
But, ow,
This is just all
really new to me.
I can't say that I like it but
if it makes you happy,
then I can't stand
in the way of that.
- What are you saying?
- I want you to be happy.
Who am I to say you
can't do what you enjoy?
As twisted as it is,
I love you.
I'll take you anyway
I can get you.
- Oh thank you.
- Now, being your new agent,
I demand to see a dress rehearsal
before every performance.
- Oh, deal.
- All right.
- Wrap it up you guys,
we got more gifts to open.
- To be continued?
- You bet your life.
What is this for?
- I'll show you that later.
- All right.
- Okay hun, grab another one.
- Okay hun.
- Ah, to Carissa, from
your secret santa.
- Well at least somebody
got something useful.
- Hold up, I didn't
get you that either.
- Guys, if you're not gonna
play the game properly --
- Shut it, Olivia.
- Liv, you wrapped
the presents honey,
do you think you made a mistake?
Or, were you drinking
and wrapping again?
- No!
Duane, is this your doing?
- What?
Don't look here.
It's a pretty lame
prank if you ask me.
- Everyone, just open 'em up.
- Gardening shears?
- An electric carver,
how thoughtful!
- That's nice, yeah.
Oh Nicki, Nicki, Nicki,
you never disappoint.
Yeah, is that legal?
Oh god.
- Hey Nicole, open yours.
- Okay.
- Oh?
- Coming!
Deck the halls
with boughs of holly
Fa-La-La-La-La la-la-la-la
Tis the season to be jolly
Fa-La-La-La-La la-la-la-la
- Ha, no!
- Carissa.
- What?
- I'm sorry, my
roommate's intolerable.
Let's hear another one.
Deck the halls
with boughs of holly
Fa-La-La-La-La la-la-la-la
Tis the --
- Guys, I'm right here.
- Hey.
- Hey?
- Are you having a good time?
- Yes.
- Do you wanna
have a better time?
- You know you're
talkin' to me, right?
- Who else would
I be talking to?
- The handsome quarterback,
distinguished professor,
just some guesses.
- Look, do you wanna
get laid, or not?
- Yes.
- Good.
- Heck yeah.
Fa-La-La-La-La la-la-la-la
- Whoo, great job you guys.
Oh, I'm a student, gotta eat.
- Yeah, I a...
Merry Christmas.
- For me?
I had no idea.
- If you
don't like it, I can --
- No, I love it!
Oh my god, I've just the
place for it too, thank you.
Look what I got, bitches.
- This is awesome.
- Shut up Duane.
- Yeah.
- Is there a problem?
- Oh no, I must
just still be tired.
Please, god not now.
- Yeah, okay.
- Come on.
The basketball just
needs a couple a pumps
to get inflated.
- Bye Duane.
- Don't go.
Worst day ever!
- Sorry guys, nature calls.
- Where'd everybody go?
- Hey.
- Ah.
- Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to startle you.
Have you seen Liv?
- She probably went to
go get ice or something.
- You didn't open your gift.
- Oh yeah, I forgot it.
It's been a bit of a mad
house around here tonight.
- Yeah, I'll say.
So, are you gonna open it?
- Oh, I'll wait for everyone.
- Well, I think you can
count out Duane and Carissa.
- Jeez.
- Yeah.
- Weird, I mean --
- Yeah, I think so, yeah.
They're, yeah.
- She's gonna fail my class.
- I know.
- So, go ahead.
- So, what did I miss?
- I just need a minute.
- Give it up, Duane.
Certainly can't get it up.
- Did you guys
study for the exam?
- Oh yeah.
- Yeah, of course.
Yeah, I aced it.
- Um, I'm gonna
need another beer.
- Yep.
- Do you know if Liv
went to the store?
- Her car's still here.
- That's weird.
I'm gonna go check her room.
She's probably just
fixing her hair.
She's quite the perfectionist.
- That I know.
Oh, thank you.
- Oh, now you decide to show up.
Your timing is impeccable.
Maybe she just needs a breather.
She'll come back.
Who am I kidding?
What was?
- Duane, I swear to god.
- Liv?
Oh god!
Oh no!
Oh god!
Oh god!
- And I thought I
was the noisy one.
- Oh!
- You didn't, you
didn't scare me.
- Oh, right, right.
No, you didn't scare me either.
- Yeah, no.
- Okay don't.
- Sorry.
- So, where's Olivia?
- I, I don't know.
She's not in the kitchen.
I was gonna go check downstairs.
- Well go on then.
- All right, I don't
know where she is.
- Liv.
- Was she in her room?
- No, she's not outside either.
- Why would she be outside?
- 'Cause last week at 2 a.m.
I caught her trimming trees.
She's OCD.
- Okay, well, she's
not downstairs either.
- She wouldn't just leave
without telling anyone.
- Uhhh.
- What the hell was that?
- It's not what it looks like!
- Jesus Christ!
- No!
- Get to my car.
Get in.
What are you waiting for,
let's get the hell outta here.
Get in the car.
- Let go of me!
- Oh!
Son of a bitch.
Open the fucking door.
- I can't.
- Open the door.
Open the door.
- Brian, no!
No, Brian!
Where the fuck are the knives?
Oh, great.
- Nicole,
what's going on?
- Good, you're awake.
- Oh dear, she's
still a little wonky.
- You're the carolers.
I stabbed you.
- Actually --
- Son of a bitch.
- You stabbed May.
- It's not nice to swear, dear.
- To hell with that,
she stabbed me.
- Hey!
Not yet.
- Why?
- Why?
You really wanna know?
It was Christmas.
My brother Tommy got what
he wanted, why couldn't I?
All I wanted was a Miss Molly.
- Do you want a
Miss Molly again?
- Uh-Huh.
That's why, Nicole.
That's why.
- That is by far,
the most stupid fucking
reason to kill anybody.
You couldn't have given me
the Cliff's Notes version
of that story?
Two hours.
Jesus Christ, I would've
killed myself by now
if my hands weren't tied!
- Shut up!
- You made him mad.
It's very hard to calm
him down once he's mad.
- May, bring the...
Oh my.
- Ah jeez,
she bled out.
- Probably wasn't such a
good idea to go on so long.
- Well, you live and
you learn, right?
Now back to you.
- Mam, please.
You seem like good person.
Don't let him do this.
- On the contrary,
I'm a psychopathic killer
with a knack for
body dismemberment.
- Now you're going to
be a good little girl,
and open up your present.
Got it?
- Ew this
is my favorite part.
- Could you help me
up, my hands are tied.
- Ah, fuck.
- Ow.
- Oh jeez.
Oh shit!
I've always had a thing
for you, Naughty Nicki.
Fuck me.
You haven't seen the last of me.
- Are you sure you can't
come out with us tonight?
- I can't babe, I have
a ton of work to do.
But have fun.
Don't get arrested.
- I can't promise you that.
- Bye Savanna.
Hello my darlings,
how was your night?
You know the drill, $200
and we'll start the show.
Thank you Dusty Dangletaint.
Dangle, dangle.
Thank you Neal.
- What the hell?
Oh shit.
Where are you, you little bitch?
- Thanks for the present,
really came in handy.
Merry Christmas, motherfucker!
- No, no, no!