Seize Them! (2024) Movie Script
1
It was the Dark Ages.
And in the land of Britain,
there lived a mighty queen,
adored by all her subjects.
Most of them.
Some of them.
Oh, just meet her.
You'll understand.
- My Queen, enemy force...
- Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh!
How am I coming out?
My portrait. And give me
the truth, unvarnished.
Don't think to
flatter me, Leofwine.
Maybe the Queen should
judge for herself.
Well done!
I'll not have your fingers
hacked off today.
Thank you, my Queen.
- Now, how goes the war?
- Ah.
Oh yes, the war.
Angered by Dagan's harsh reign,
the peasants had
risen against her.
From amongst the common folk,
a rebel champion rose,
a woodcutter
named Humble Joan,
and Joan had something
the queen did not:
a secret of great might
called flame-powder.
But Dagan had a plan to
crush the rebellion.
The forest archers,
the river clans,
the spearmen of the fens.
We... we muster them here.
Are you listening?
We muster them here and they
shall smash our enemies.
I- I don't know why you didn't
think of this before.
My Queen, we can move the
pieces on the map all we like.
It will not conjure them here.
The spearmen of the fens
are fallen.
Well, let them get up again,
the lazy tykes.
Humph!
I thought you were going to say
they were dead.
The river clans are
cleft in bits.
The forest archers turned
and... fight for Humble Joan.
I know the illness which gnaws
at your innards.
Ow, my fucking leg!
It's not Humble Joan, no.
-Where's it gone?!
- It's fear.
So, let us lift our spirits
with a - with a banquet!
She tramples on the lions,
She tramples on her foes,
raises burdensome taxes
on their howling widows.
Dainty, soft, soft.
Shut up!
Come.
What's this yellow stuff?
No, let me guess.
Tumery. Turmer -
- Meric.
- Turmer...
Turmeric.
- You please me.
Bring me these eggs in all
the banquets to come.
Yes, my Queen.
All eggs. Right.
Humble Joan can't stop us from
enjoying this, can she?
I am more than your queen,
am I not?
I'm- I'm your friend.
A toast, to friendship.
Fall back!
The wall is breached.
Oh, dear.
Fighting in the passages.
Screams of the dying.
Yes, dying peasants, though,
don't we think?
Footsteps coming
closer.
They're at the door.
Humble Joan.
Merely Joan.
I seek no fame, no titles.
Only justice.
Urgh.
As do I.
Leofwine!
During any change of government,
some element of continuity
is advisable.
No!
I am still the queen!
Thanes, I command you to
seize them!
Is she serious?
Thanes, you are citizens of
the new commonwealth.
Be free.
Thank you, Humble Joan,
you heal our land.
You heal yourselves.
What?
Wolf Tail...
My father's blade.
Humble Joan, I challenge you to
single combat.
The victor wins the realm.
Duelling?
Oh. A sad habit
of the wealthy.
We have no need for it now.
There are a dozen tongues
in this hall.
More than one shall speak of
the time
Humble Joan was afraid.
If I can fell the tallest oak,
I can cut down a little queen.
Argh!
Such pretty nails
and such a soft foot.
You've lived as a queen.
Time to die as one.
Many people cry for their
mothers at a time like this.
Mum! No!
Not I! Argh!
Oh, a fighting queen at last!
Did I touch a nerve?
See how the coward runs.
Now, bring her back.
Well, look at you.
She went this way!
Oh, excuse me, corpse chap.
Dagan!
Oooh, D-D-D-D-D Dagan!
Boo!
My new master will be pleased.
This way, my Queen.
Oh. Oh, titting balls.
I've never gone this way before.
They're staff stairs, come on!
I remember you now.
You're one of the servants and
you're called Turmeric.
- That's the spice.
- Yes, I knew that.
Dishand me! A commoner may not
touch a queen!
Urgh!
- Why are we going up?
- I know of a privy chute.
- A what?
- A privy chute.
It's narrow, but steep
and moist.
We'll slide fast.
Moist is a word for it,
I can think of others.
At least consider it,
my Queen.
Do you think to trick me
and push me down?
That wasn't so bad, was it?
The Queen requires a shoe!
You look perfect. Now, run!
Find Dagan!
Find the queen!
Where are we going?
And what's your name again?
Shulmay.
Shulmay, Shulmay, Shulmay,
Shulmay, Shulmay, Shulmay,
Shulmay, Shulmay, Shulmay,
Shulmay, Shulmay.
- We'll swim downstream.
- We turn back.
Quick, they're coming.
In here.
Hang on,
what's this?
The Queen's colour.
She took to water.
She reckons we'll lose
the scent.
Follow the river, boys!
The Queen had outwitted
the rebels and escaped.
Maybe Shulmay helped
a bit too.
But with her citadel taken,
what would Dagan do now?
When I was a girl, I would watch
my father punish traitors.
He would cleave off their arms.
And shove them up their arses.
- That's nice.
- Hmm.
And then he would cleave off
their arses
and shove those up whatever
remained.
People didn't always get
their own arses.
Arses were swapped about.
Now, Leofwine,
she will have
all of this and more
when I take back the citadel
tomorrow.
And do you have soldiers
for that, Your Majesty?
You're making the queen
feel bad.
Your throne is lost.
But it can be yours again.
You may continue.
For weeks, I feared Leofwine
was playing both sides,
that there were letters
she didn't show you.
Earlier in the fog of war,
she left one on the table.
'To Chancellor Leofwine,
from King Ivarr of Jutland and
King Guthrum of the Frisians.'
These are my cousins!
My cousins across the sea!
'By Fingerstone Rock -'
Well, I had a moment, no more.
I could only take
the first page.
Then we'll never know the rest!
I'm finished!
Strangle me.
But gently.
It said Ivarr and Guthrum
will give you sanctuary
in their lands.
Then they'll muster armies
and longships
all for you to take back
what's yours.
Then I'm saved!
But what does 'by Fingerstone
Rock' mean?
Fingerstone is a crag
on the coast.
It marks the shortest passage
to their lands.
Well, that's where
we're going!
How far is Fingerstone Rock
from here?
A hundred and forty miles.
One hundred and forty miles?
One hundred and -
And so began their great
journey, to Fingerstone Rock,
to the kings, to salvation.
Shulmay, your servant's shoe is
not very watertight.
Add that to your things to
fix list.
My Queen, you are conspicuous
with your red gown and your
gold crown.
Just -
- Hey!
My father's crown shall not
be removed.
- If it's seen -
- Well, then cover it.
Find me a nice hat.
Yep.
You're probably wondering why
I'm helping you.
Why this servant who...
could've slipped away hasn't.
Not especially, no.
It's your job.
And, hey, stop walking
before your Queen!
What is the world coming to?
Keep up, though!
We have no time for slackers.
Yeah.
On they walked, with happy
smiles and swelling hearts.
Until...
This is my morning song I sing,
in summer, winter,
and in spring.
It's made from air that
I breathe in,
and push it out my mouth again.
Some say the tune and words
are wrong,
but it is not their fucking
song.
When he leaves for work,
we'll search his hut for
clothes and food.
Why wait?
This man is a loyal subject.
Look, any army would have him,
and yet he has not joined
the rebels.
No purple flower.
- We cannot know who his loyal...
- Greetings, peasant!
- Great.
- I am your Queen, Queen Dagan,
and we noticed you do not wear
the mauve bloom.
- Oh, it must've fallen off.
- Oh!
- An enemy!
- No, no, no.
I just like purple flowers.
Noticed, er, lots of people
marching about wearing 'em.
Is it fashion?
No, it is not fashion,
it is revolution.
Oh... well, been nice to
meet you.
Your Queen needs clothes
and food.
Please help us.
Alright, well, I'll see
what I've got.
My name is Bobik.
- Okay.
- Right.
Come in.
Here's where she took to water.
No sign of her yet.
There. Footprints.
Dagan lay here,
and not alone.
Someone's helping her.
Someone clever.
- But we thought -
Ha, what they made you think.
Keep searching the river.
- Yes, Joan.
I'll go east.
I know Dagan's weaknesses.
She'll not hide long from me.
Thank you, Citizen Leofwine.
Take the soldiers and get to it.
Excuse me.
Affairs of the state.
Off you go.
Bring me Dagan's head.
There's a poppet.
So, we'll walk to
Fingerstone Rock,
and then we'll sail a boat
across the sea
to find new soldiers
for the queen.
Splish, splash, splosh.
I've heard of the sea.
It's like a puddle, but much,
much wider.
And it's salty, like when you
lick your own armpit.
How far is this walk of yours?
A hundred and thirty miles
from here.
You're gonna need a horse.
They all died.
In the great horse plague.
- A dragon, then.
- Yeah, they're not real.
Fuck off.
- Do you have any money?
- Uh-uh.
Food?
Well, just these crusts
you're eating.
And a lump.
A lump of what?
Lamb?
Or cheese?
The man I get it off never
tells me.
What's your trade, Bobik?
I'm a shit spader.
I spade the shit.
Not a job that needs a long
explanation.
No, there... there's more to it
than most think, you know.
There are... countless different
kinds of shit.
And no two spades the same.
You have your basic cow shit.
Um, you've got your runny shit,
you've got your compacted shit,
crumbly shit,
glistening shit, young shit,
old shit, frozen shit,
grassy shit, muddy shit,
waxy shit.
You even have shit with
bones in it.
- We understand.
- Mouldy shit, mossy shit,
stringy shit, sandy shit,
leafy shit, mystery shit.
Fizzy shit.
You get tasty shit too.
Where are you going?
You have sacks.
Yeah, full of shit.
And they clothe you.
My Queen, we need disguises.
We can wear sack cloth
and carry powerful spades
and pose as honest shovelers
on our trek.
And it was at that moment
Queen Dagan awoke
from her hideous nightmare.
This trek, I'll come with you.
No. No, Bobik.
It's bad enough having to walk
next to a servant.
But you, I don't mean to offend
you here,
but you are the lowest variety
of human.
But if I come with you,
you can make me a thane.
That's the second highest title.
Well, what's the highest?
- An earl.
- Good, then I'll be an earl.
I like the shit and I...take a
great deal of pride
in my spading of it, but...
I've always fancied being,
um, one of those rich fellas.
Bobik is strong,
and has skills we don't.
He could prove handy.
Alright.
Bobik, you may journey with us,
and when I'm restored to
my throne,
I shall give you that earldom.
Yes! Thank you.
I'll never make an
earl of Bobik.
Or you, or any lowborn.
But I don't think we need
to tell him that now.
It can be our little secret.
Yeah.
And so, the two became three.
Queen Dagan, Shulmay,
and Bobik,
names to echo down the ages.
As long as they didn't get
caught.
You walk like a queen,
my Queen.
You should walk like a Bobik.
There.
Oh, and I'll speak peasant too.
Once, I spoke peasant all day,
and it really did make
the thanes chuckle.
'Shall I milk your herd for
you, kind Sir?'
Okay, so when we meet someone,
I'll do the talking.
- Will you now?
- Yeah.
I'll talk too.
I know lots of words.
I know twenty words.
Shall we have a little
practice, Bobik?
Okay, I'm a stranger.
Fine morning, fellow travellers.
Where are you going?
We are on a journey.
Shit spaders, I see.
I am, yeah.
She's not, she's the queen.
We're off to meet some kings
and - oh.
So, lies are required.
But lies are bad and wrong.
Let's just try this again.
Say, 'I am not Bobik.'
But I am Bobik.
Say it.
I am...n... not Bobik.
- And it's a great first go.
- Pfft.
Okay, but don't puff your
cheeks out,
'cause it gives the game away.
So, again.
I am... not Bobik.
- Don't look up.
I am... not Bobik.
Getting worse now.
A traveller do come.
Pots, pans, kettles,
and cans.
Bobik, you're a lifelong mute.
Without words thou be.
None of that.
Your Majesty.
Pots and pans, kettles
and cans.
Good day, Mr Ironmonger.
Beautiful smithing there.
- Thank you.
- Yes, and that one is lovely.
Love them all.
- Obliged.
Yeah. We've no money to
buy them, though,
as we are not wealthy.
I suppose so.
You're three shit spaders,
that much is plain.
It is very plain
that's what we are.
Yes, all day,
just shovelling away.
Oh, my poor back!
Sure you've got no coin, pal?
Can't tempt you with this
lovely little shit pan,
just for the small shits?
Er, he was born without speech.
As was she.
Heard the big news from up
the citadel?
We have not, Sir.
It's all over for Queen Dagan.
Humble Joan holds the realm now.
What do you make of that?
What do you
make of that?
Glorious.
Absolutely fantastic.
It's, it's so good.
They say Humble Joan has some
sort of dust
that goes boom!
Went through them walls like
piss through a snowdrift.
Good job and all.
Dagan was a right old cow.
Well, let's not be too hard
on her.
She was a cow, mate.
Like, if I were to compose
a ranking list
of my favourite evil tyrants,
she'd never make top twenty.
Well, we've delayed you long
enough.
Nailed on bottom five.
Bottom two, even.
We really must
be going.
This way is east, isn't it?
- Last place is either Dagan or-
hmm, Magnus the Flagellator?
And Magnus did a lot more
charity work
than people remember.
It's sort of overshadowed,
you know?
By the flagellations.
Well, it's been a pleasure.
She's not the queen.
He speaks!
Mute all his sad life,
and now, here on this moor,
he magics whole phrases.
She's not the queen.
And he doesn't even know what
they mean.
Well, farewell, good sir,
and good munging.
Oh, hey, if you're heading
east, beware a certain forest.
What forest?
I just told you, a certain one.
Okay...
If he looks behind, we have
something to fear.
All is well.
It was a nice little
shit pan, that.
I should be sitting at my desk
having a cheeky midweek wine.
You know I collect goblets?
- Do ya?
People think I work
all the time,
but I've got loads of interests.
Socialising, giving orders.
Mmm...
We don't even know if they came
this way.
Bloody runaway monarchs!
So annoying!
I know this pattern!
They're close, Max.
They're close.
Darkness gathers.
We'll dwell the night here.
I can't remember when
I wasn't walking.
How long has it been?
All day, all night, another day.
Oh, my toes, they look like
boxers' eyelids!
I'm- I'm rancid.
I'm rotting.
My royal body requires a palace
to rest in.
- Here?
- Yes.
Make a palace happen around me.
A good stone one.
Okay.
I can't sleep without my
anthem, Shulmay.
Harsh as a lion,
she tramples her foes,
raises burdensome taxes
on their howling widows,
Queen, Queen Dagan.
While Queen Dagan slept,
Humble Joan was working late
at the citadel.
Ultimate super weapons don't
make themselves, you know.
Easy does it.
Beautiful.
It's kings and queens who yearn
for portraits.
Oh, but Joan, you're the
greatest woman of the age.
Alright, if you must, but it
doesn't matter to me.
How will you do my hair?
A message from Leofwine.
'I'm pursuing the tyrant Dagan
eastward.
Though she's proved
elusive so far,
I expect to capture her very
tremendously soon.'
Dagan's alive.
While her heart beats,
I cannot rest easy.
It's damn cold out there.
It's toasty in this palace.
If a little... heavy.
Would you like us to remove
some stones, Your Majesty?
No, no, don't be
ridiculous.
Then I'd be cold, like you.
Night-night.
Shulmay.
Bobik.
I'm in this to be an earl.
And Dagan's in this to get her
kingdom back.
What's in it for you?
When I was a girl, I found
myself with no family,
nor any friends to keep me.
So, I banged my little fists on
the citadel gates
and I begged for a job.
They made me table servant to
Ur-Nammu.
The old king, Dagan's dad.
One night I'm sent to fetch
his dinner,
citadel's a warren, I get lost.
Ur-Nammu's dinner comes
late, and it comes cold.
So, he gives an order to feed
me to his wolves.
That's not very good, is it?
His wife, Queen Fritha,
bargained for my life.
She made me a servant in her
chambers.
And for five years I stayed
with her there.
Fritha always wore a charm
around her neck.
When the illness took her,
she gave it to me.
And she said -
If that girl is ever
in trouble,
please look after her.
Queen Fritha always wore this.
It's Dagan's first baby tooth.
Fritha saved me,
and I couldn't save her.
So, I'll save her daughter,
whether her daughter likes it
or not.
Dagan doesn't know about this?
She won't hear talk of her
mother.
That's just how it is.
You're a good person, Shulmay.
You deserve good things to
happen to you.
Yeah.
Ni-night.
- Come on!
- What?
Sun's coming up.
Time to get moving.
One of us has to have some
discipline around here.
Looks like it's me.
Off we pop!
This is my morning song I sing,
in summer, winter,
and in spring.
It's made from air that
I breathe in,
and then push out
my mouth again.
Shulmay, I seek your advice.
Lowly you may be,
but you're what's here,
so, you'll have to do.
Hmm. Such an honour.
King Ivarr, King Guthrum.
I'll marry one of them to bind
the alliance and make an heir.
But which one?
Guthrum's warriors could lay
waste to whole shires,
but Ivarr's fleets could ravage
hell itself.
Choices, choices.
They both sound delightful,
but would your mother want you
marrying either?
What I mean to say is...
- You said nothing.
And you will never speak of
that nothing, ever.
Do you understand?
Yes, my Queen.
And all the while, the traitor,
Leofwine, pursued them.
Unrelenting, unstoppable,
like a machine,
but with great hair.
Yeah.
Up there.
Three of 'em.
And... halt.
Dinner time.
Ooh, hello lump.
Rip.
- Thank you.
- Hmm.
- It's lamb.
- It's cheese.
It's all we've got to eat
for the next ninety miles.
Why just eat
when we can feast?
Fine pork aplenty there.
More than enough to last us all
the way.
And this is our bait.
Yeah, boars are nimble.
We'll need a bow to catch it.
I'm an incredible hunter.
My Queen, we used to hide in
a ditch,
and release the animals as you
came past.
Well, I still had to catch
the things.
It's not as though you
lamed them.
- Well...
- Shh!
You'll startle our prey.
Surprise attack!
Yeah, maybe don't actually say,
'surprise attack'.
Here we go.
Good piggy.
It's a bit fucking late now!
He'll stay longer... if we leave
the whole lump.
She's gonna do it.
Urgh.
You're angry with me.
You know, if anyone's to blame
here, Shulmay...
Really?
If anyone's to blame here,
Shulmay...
it's me.
And it's my fault
we've no food now.
And...?
And I'm... sorry.
An apology. Thank you.
Up we get.
No time for slackers, eh?
Shulmay, isn't it strange,
a few days ago I didn't even
know your name,
or any servant's.
And now here I am.
Here we are.
I did a table.
Tonight, we shall feast upon
the rich flesh...
Dagan's pretty crown.
This way.
Tell me about yourself,
Bobik.
And I'll listen this time,
I actually will.
I was born in a bin.
When we were little,
we couldn't afford clothes,
so, we made our own
out of nettles.
Ouch.
That was my first word.
Then there was the whole rest
of my life.
And then there's now.
Which is the important bit,
isn't it?
Yeah, he's actually right.
We fret so much about
the future,
or I do, anyway.
And then when you get
to the future, it's now.
Life is made of nows.
It's always now.
Such wisdom.
There's an invisible snail
of time,
and he eats all your nows.
The day you see him is
the day you die.
And he's called Big Liam.
It was going so well till then.
Ooh, I bet they've got good
pies down there.
We've gotta eat sometime.
Well, we can't enter
a town.
Got no money anyway.
Got these.
No.
No, I'm not shovelling turds
for copper coins.
I'm just not.
I said I'm not shovelling turds
for copper coins.
Did you hear me?
Guys?
Bread!
Only one quarter sawdust!
- Bread!
- Finest wool!
Get your random geese!
Oyez, oyez!
News from the citadel.
Shh, shh, shh.
The siege is over.
The victor is Humble Joan!
- Humble Joan!
-Shulmay.
Sorry, excuse me, sorry.
Hooray!
- Sorry.
- Thank you.
Urgh. Yuck.
Shit spaders for hire, you said.
- Yeah.
- You can spade shit.
- Thank you.
- You can sort of spade shit.
But I've got no words for you.
Pick up the pace,
or nobody gets paid!
Bobik, I need to improve!
It takes many, many years to
master the way of the spade.
It's... it's not something you
can just get across
in an afternoon.
Well, can we try?
What's your song?
Harsh as a lion...
No, no!
Your real song.
Come here.
Closer.
Bobik not gonna hurt Dagan.
Just close your eyes.
Please.
Now, I'm gonna need you to go
deep inside yourself.
Okay?
Now, just imagine for a second
that you're not a queen.
You're not a woman.
You're not a man.
There's no earth,
there's no sky.
It's just you, and the spade,
and the thing what must
be spaded.
Now open your eyes.
What do you see?
Me.
Spade.
And that huge pile.
BOBIK; Now, there's a song
inside you.
Everyone has one,
deep in their soul.
That's your spading song.
That's your rhythm.
No.
I can't hear any song,
I'm sorry.
Well, that's odd.
Well, let's go even deeper.
Think about something from
your past.
Not a good idea.
It'll be fine.
Bobik's got this.
Well, does he, though?
Not helping.
Trust me.
Close your eyes again.
Go even deeper inside.
Deep as it goes.
See? I told you.
Mum! Mum! Mum!
No!
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
- la-la-la...
What's the racket?
What shit spader breaks their
own shit spade?
Leathermaker, we will redouble
our efforts.
You'll redouble your efforts
to fuck off.
-Kind leathermaker...
- Fuck off!
Brilliant.
How we gonna earn coin now?
My only talent is being
a queen.
Ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls.
Since the death of
Ur-Nammu the Great,
you have been oppressed by his
horrendous daughter,
the selfish, arrogant, stuck-up
little child queen,
despised by all.
Now is the time for sweet
revenge.
I present to you Queen Dagan.
You low, low wretches,
you poo gobbling serfs,
puss-encrusted bell-ends.
Who dares to defame your queen?
Pelt the Queen with
rocks.
One for a farthing,
six for a penny.
What great value.
Here is a farthing.
Who threw that?
Suck my fat scorn,
you maggoty churl.
I'll open your head and stab
you in the fucking mind.
I'll hang your balls from
a spike
so, everybody can see how tiny
they are.
Very, very, very tiny balls.
It's Bobik.
I heard her speak once and she
sounded just like that.
Do her some damage.
Six for a penny.
Is that all you've got,
you cock-sucking witches?
I was a superb puppeteer,
was I not?
Fantastic.
- How good was I, Bobik?
- You were absolutely shit.
You're doing a jest.
That I am.
- And a great one at that.
- Thank you.
Well, we've earned enough for
food.
And beer.
And toenail paint, which I'm
not convinced that we need.
I need it, Shulmay, I just do.
It's a queen thing,
judge me not.
Help.
She likes you.
Smile back.
You flirted, Bobik.
People who don't smell get to
do that now and then.
So, we take the Great East Road
from here,
and then it's a few days to
Fingerstone Rock.
Then we're out across the sea.
We're halfway to salvation.
And I'm still wearing this
little chap.
Boop.
And it's safe so long as I have
my friends.
I said that exact thing only
a week ago to others.
And then they tried to
murder me.
Urgh.
You two haven't murdered me,
not even a tiny bit.
We're your friends.
Best friends, forever.
Even though you're both
very, very common.
And when I'm back on my throne,
I shall rain riches and titles
on you both.
You said that before.
Yes, but I was fibbing then.
I mean it now.
To friendship.
Shulmay, what's your song?
I dunno.
Don't have one probably.
Everyone's got one.
The tooth in the bottle.
I mean, there must be
a story there.
Let me guess.
Oh, it's the tooth of your
long-lost sweetheart.
And we can
help you win him back.
Bobik, that'll be our next
adventure.
- It's just a tooth.
- It's your tooth.
Your mum, Queen Fritha,
gave it to Shulmay,
and Shulmay made a promise to
look after you,
'cau...'cause your mum saved
Shulmay...
Beer... beer made me say that.
Is that true, Shulmay?
You're not loyal to me.
You're not my friend.
You're just a friend of
my mother's.
- She was a good woman, Dagan.
- She locked herself in a tower.
She refused to see me.
I was abandoned, forsaken.
- No, because...
Speak no more of that woman!
Okay, we're getting attention.
We need to leave, quietly.
Don't look.
Leofwine.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
She doesn't know you.
Distract her.
How?
You're not even
looking properly. Look at it.
Oh God, your breath is like
a badger's arse.
Hello.
Madame.
You are a super fine lady.
And this is me telling you that.
That was beer, it wasn't
a sudden gush of piss.
This is an interaction of some
kind, but what exactly?
It's my new thing.
It's called flirting.
Is it going well?
Whoa.
- Can it stop?
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, sorry, sorry.
You.
Have you seen this woman?
Is there a way east which isn't
the Great East Road?
A way that's, er, much quicker,
but at the same time isn't used
by anyone at all?
There is such a way.
There's a certain forest.
You don't wanna go through
there.
We've heard about this
certain forest.
What's so bad about it?
- The Man-Wolf.
Ur-Nammu the Great loved
his wolves,
more than his own daughter even.
Story goes he tried to make
a Man-Wolf companion
by unnatural means.
First, a fella was kidnapped,
then Ur-Nammu transformed
this poor man
with hexes and the like.
And I'm guessing that
went badly.
Or are you going to
surprise me
and say it went really well?
- No!
It was a monster made with
magic only a king can undo.
And it dwells in those
woods still,
feasting on the fools who take
the forest path.
Them what don't believe
the beast is real!
Humble Joan's here!
Oh no, not her as well.
Humble Joan is here!
It's Humble Joan!
Humble Joan, Humble Joan,
Humble Joan, Humble Joan,
Humble Joan...
Humble Joan, Humble Joan,
Humble Joan, Humble Joan,
Humble Joan, Humble Joan...
Good citizens...
five days now
since Dagan fell,
and with her the crooked laws,
which stole the wealth of this
land from you, the people.
And yet Dagan lives.
She stalks our fields.
No!
Our lanes.
No!
I have heard she lurks here,
in the east,
and hopes to win her
throne again.
Never!
To pillage and to murder.
And I've heard she's done poos
in your wells.
She doesn't do that.
300 silver marks,
a lifetime's pay,
all for the one who brings me
Dagan, alive or dead.
The people are the heroes now.
Put her head on a spike.
Quick, Dagan, this way.
Stop it! She's here.
She's here.
The little piggy princess.
Bobik!
Bobik!
- Yeah? No.
Is that woman gone?
- Yes, come on!
Scary.
But lovely hair.
So, they took the path where
nobody goes,
into a certain forest.
Man-Wolf.
No. No, such thing.
Absolutely not, no.
No way.
Stay on the path.
Never leave the path.
Bobik, tell this woman she has
us utterly lost.
You still not talking to her?
Well, I'll travel with her
if I must.
But it's my mother she loves.
So, all former relations
are severed.
I liked it when we were in
the pub.
There was beer.
If it cheers you up, Bobik, you
can have an extra county
on your earldom.
- Whoa.
Hey, will there be ale
in this county?
All the ale you can guzzle.
What, and pies?
- Pies too.
- What kind of pies?
- All the pies you can imagine.
- Wow!
Well, hey, I can imagine
a great many
different kinds of pies.
I'm sure you can, but there's
no need to list them.
You've got apple pie,
mutton pie.
- Here we go.
- Elderberry pie, venison pie.
- Yeah.
- Rabbit pie.
- Rabbit pie's a nice pie.
- Mm-hmm.
But then, of course, you have
all the fish pies.
Imagine for a moment any fish
in the river,
and then just say the word
'pie' after it.
- Got it.
- Go on, have a go. Give me one.
- Trout.
- Trout pie, yes.
Salmon pie.
Now, eel pie is very...
What's that?
Are we standing in the lair of
the deadly Man-Wolf?
I command you not to panic.
But yes, yes, we are.
Hey, please don't leave me!
Circle of safety, circle of
safety, circle of safety,
circle of safety!
- Oh, God!
Oh, Gods, whatever!
Halt.
You were no shit spader.
That I could tell.
Then I saw that panting,
you with the crown.
No, no, I'm Hilda.
I...I'm a travelling merchant.
Let's walk.
300 silver marks will buy me
all the...
Saw him creep off
with his long sword,
like he knew something.
And he led me all the way
to you...
Your Majesty.
Gods and ancestors,
assist me now.
Don't waste your breathe.
My 300 silver marks will...
Oh, my...
Couldn't let him be the one to
catch the great Queen Dagan.
And now, 300 silver...
Ludicrous!
That leathermaker tried to send
us north.
But we figured out his game.
And those 300 silver marks...
- Shall be mi...
- Argh!
No, you don't.
You are a difficult person
to track down and behead.
If you want to talk your way
out of this,
now's your chance.
Leofwine...
I mean, we go way back,
and I thought...
Dee, dee, dee, dee, dee...
Carry on.
You know,
maybe we could just...
- Dee, dee, dee, dee, dee...
Dear sweet, stupid,
stupid, stupid
Dagan!
- You won't escape this.
The mighty Bobik.
He'll be here any moment.
Circle of safety,
circle of safety.
Nobody's coming for you.
Leofwine, listen!
Humble Joan, she'll just cast
you aside as soon as she can.
She can't.
You don't think Joan's
in charge, do you?
People like you and her,
you don't actually govern.
People like me do that.
I gather taxes,
I pay the druids,
I burn the druids,
I hire cheaper, new druids.
I run the show,
and I always did.
Urgh!
You...
You should have...
- She's dead.
- ...joined me!
I had so many plans.
All dust now.
Dust... now.
- She's dead.
- No!
I'm alive, Dagan,
I'm still alive.
- Now...
Oh, for God's sake.
I've actually literally wet
my breeches.
The queen has moistened herself.
At least that man-wolf never
showed up.
Shulmay!
I'm coming, Shulmay!
Get your hands off my friend!
Urgh!
Relax.
It's broken.
Your crown broke the spell.
I can return to my family.
Thank you for setting me free.
Hey, you alright, Clive?
I ain't seen you in years.
You're looking well.
Shulmay, are you hurt?
You came to save me.
You took off your crown
for a lowly wretch like me.
Oh, but what a wretch.
What a wretch.
With that huge bounty on your
head, we won't get far,
but Leofwine's a close enough
match for you.
We still have your scarlet
robes.
If she's found in them,
the hunt for the Queen ends.
But we have different faces.
Yes, but this is craggy country.
We'll find a cliff and drop her
off a decent height.
I get it.
If Leofwine's head lands
on a hard surface,
then her face will be all blown
inside out
and splintered, crushed.
See? Put her in the
gown, she's almost you.
Just the face to think about.
This here drop should do
the job on that.
Okay.
But she has to land correctly.
So, we... we've gotta drop her
this way, then.
No, like this.
Legs first,
'cause she'll flip as she falls.
No, sideways,
with a touch of spin.
- No, headfirst.
- You haven't done this before.
Neither have you.
Alright, sideways
with a touch of spin.
Okay.
You got her?
- Yeah.
Ready?
One, two, three.
Do we have to go down
and fetch her up?
Yes. Yes, we do.
Okay, headfirst.
One, two, three.
What?!
She flipped as she fell,
I did say.
- He did say.
- No, there was a sudden gust.
Yeah, one more time.
Alright.
Urgh, how are we gonna
pick her up?
She's very slightly
damaged.
I think I've worked
something out.
Dagan often talks about nailing
her foes to trees
and opening up their guts
and other such japes.
When this kind of stuff happens
in front of her...
- She doesn't much like it.
- No, she doesn't.
Lies!
I am hard as horn.
In my youth, my father made me
watch such things.
No! No, no, no, please,
Your Majesty!
No, no, no! I beg you!
Please, no!
No!
No!
No!
Alright.
I hated it.
I hated every horrid moment
of it!
Are you satisfied?
And my mother did nothing.
Mum! No! No!
Why won't you see me?
Shulmay, I feel we've opened
the wax lid
atop a clay vessel of worms.
Your father thought your
mother's love
would make you soft,
so, he locked her away in
a tower,
and anyone who spoke
of her again
would be pressed through
a cattle grid.
She never abandoned you,
Dagan.
My mother lo... loved me?
Always.
Why did nobody tell me?
The cattle grid.
Your father was a bad man.
And not worthy of your
admiration.
But that is just the opinion
of Bobik.
I've been so wrong.
Shall we have a third go then,
or what?
I reckon we've got this.
Just let me do one thing.
Okay, feet first.
You ready?
One, two, three.
With the flip.
Yay!
I'll see you again soon.
Promise.
Someone will find the body
soon enough.
This is what they want
Why are you still here?
This is what they said
This is what you get
This is you feeling
the same as you used to
Pay them the bounty.
Is Leofwine back from
the forest yet?
She's tougher than I thought.
I worried she wouldn't make it
this far.
It's, what, a three-day
walk to Fingerstone Rock?
To meet Ivarr and Guthrum.
Bobik.
- Yeah?
- The thing is...
Yeah, we'll do that.
We'll do all of that.
And after a day's work at the
new c-c-collective bakery,
I kept a few sweepings of flour
for me and my family.
- Oh dear.
- And I'm very sorry.
It won't happen again.
But I haven't had any wages
since Freedom Day,
and the guards say there's no
coin to pay us with,
and, and the kids,
they're so hungry.
- Witgar.
- Hmm?
You can go back to your family.
Thank you, Joan.
After a stay at the citadel,
in a special room,
deep underground.
I...I, urgh... I love you!
This commonwealth
cannot fail.
-I love you!
- Will not fail.
Humble Joan, a message
from across the seas.
And this letter gives us
the means to do it.
Pack up!
I have somewhere to be.
And so, the long journey to
the eastern shore
was nearly over.
Then, just a short trip across
the sea
would take them to
the great allies.
King Ivarr and King Guthrum.
There it is.
A hundred and two score miles,
and here we are.
Fingerstone Rock!
It is big, though,
the sea.
They weren't lying.
You'd need all day to drink
that lot.
Is it salty, though?
I'm gonna lick it.
The only sure way to test
anything is lick it.
Shulmay.
Where's our boat, Shulmay, to
take us to the lovely kings?
My Queen, here's the thing...
There's a boat!
It's them!
They're here!
What now? No.
-Ivarr!
- Dagan, wait.
Guthrum!
- I need to tell you something.
- The two warriors bold!
They've crossed the sea
themselves to pick me up!
- I'm saved!
- That's not quite it.
- Cooee! I'm here!
- Listen, Ivarr and Guthrum
are not here for you.
They're literally just there!
I haven't told you
everything.
Wait, where are they
going, the silly things? Huh.
The truth is, they did write to
Leofwine,
asking to meet by
Fingerstone Rock,
and pay gold for the secret
of the flame-powder...
...once Humble Joan had taken
the realm.
You mean they bet against me?
I had to think fast.
Get the queen to safety
and tell the truth later.
You lied to me,
all this time.
No ships, no armies.
But there is safety.
No one lives on Fingerstone.
So, we can live there,
and no one will know.
Everyone thinks you're dead.
We'll eat seagulls' eggs
and fish.
Fish pie.
That was kind of my plan
all along.
We live on a rock.
That rock?
That rock over there.
If we live on that rock,
will I still be an earl?
Yeah.
Earl in a palace,
or earl in a hovel?
I'm sorry, Bobik.
Look, I know it's a lot
to take in.
Urgh!
I did all this for your mother!
You're a shit, Dagan!
A selfish, horrible shit!
After all I've done for you,
all Bobik's done!
I killed for you!
- A bad person...
who had it coming!
Real affection would be...
would be killing someone
who didn't deserve it.
You sucked up my mother's
love...
for years!
That was my love,
and you robbed it!
And then you promised me
a kingdom,
and then you steal that too!
Some of us get by without
kingdoms.
Well, I need a kingdom!
I was going to be a better
queen this time!
Just a, a, a fucking
adorable queen!
The pain of it.
You don't know about pain!
You're a spoiled baby!
Do you know how hard it is
being your friend?
You are not my friend.
Eat my jellyfish!
It stings!
Nobody told me they sting!
I wish that man-wolf had
scoffed your fucking tits!
Right, I'm done.
-Good!
-Fine!
- Fine!
- Good!
Leave me then!
Everybody does!
Why don't you hand me in to
Humble Joan,
get a nice big fat reward?
Yeah, maybe I should.
Bobik?
Nah.
Tell me how I should feel
How can this love
run out of here?
When should I believe
the things you say?
You change your mind
from day to day
And I don't know if you can
take such a good thing
What's the snack
situation?
I hope it's good,
I'm so hungry.
- Very good.
- Ja.
Oh, God. Oh.
What a shit hole.
- Ja, it stinks.
- Yes.
We shall drive
a hard bargain.
Ja, what other bargain would we
wanna drive, man?
I mean, it's us, yeah?
We're hardcore, all the time.
I am.
You? I've heard otherwise.
You mock me.
I'll spill your sorry guts on
the sand right here.
- You wanna go?
- Right here.
- You wanna go?
- On the sand.
- You wanna get crazy?
- You want a piece of it?
You wanna get crazy?
I'm gonna fuck you up.
Ja, you want?
Come on, let's go, let's go,
let's go, let's go, let's go...
She thinks we may fight now.
She does not know that
we are good friends,
whose mannish banter
is unmatched.
Yeah, just a couple of kings
fucking around.
You're bigger than I thought
you'd be.
But you're still pretty small.
King Ivarr, King Guthrum,
welcome to the Commonwealth
of the People.
Well done on the rebellion.
If you'd tried it in our lands,
you'd be very dead now.
Yeah, very dead.
But you did it here, so, you
know, we're cool with that.
Come this way.
Thank you.
I don't trust her.
-No. Me neither.
She's so small.
Do you think Humble Joan's
around?
Well, Leofwine's not meeting
the kings, is she?
Yes, Humble Joan's here.
We'll give her what she wants,
and then she can't deny us
our silver.
We'll be wealthy?
You'll never have to shovel
again, and I'll serve no one.
I'm sick of looking after
the upper classes, Bobik.
I need to find my song.
Hey.
So, are we giving her Dagan?
Yes, we are.
Yeah.
So, this commonwealth malarky.
Does it have legs?
I mean, what if Dagan
gets back in, hmm?
Urgh.
These were found on
her mangled corpse.
-That smells bad.
-Ja, that's hers.
Your Majesties will need a
moment to mourn, I'm sure.
It's no great loss.
Pagan Europe will just have to
struggle on without her.
Let us talk the flame-powder.
- Ja.
- Let's.
We've heard you're flat broke.
I'm not.
I just raided Latvia.
Very raidable is your
Latvia.
Ja.
So, this flame-powder,
does it really work?
I'm thinking maybe we can
try out the flame-powder
on some peasants!
No. Approach, friends.
We don't kill commoners
for fun here.
Really?
What a bore.
- I like slaying peasants.
Ja, you have the mad skills.
How goes the day, travellers?
Humble Joan, we've come to tell
you something.
To tell you that Queen Dagan...
Queen Dagan...
- Have we met before?
Speak.
There's nothing to fear.
Queen Dagan...
Nothing to fear indeed.
For Humble Joan...
protects us all.
Her steady hand guiding
the great...
plough shed of this nation.
Indeed, here is a woman whose
words you may trust.
Bye-bye.
Catch up with our friends
and invite them to stay awhile.
You, search the dunes where
they came from.
Something's going on here.
Let's go.
Make haste.
I hoped you'd come back.
Up you get... Dagan.
Ow! Get off!
I am still your queen!
How ruddy dare you?!
You know, even if you offered
help to me now,
I would spurn it.
You don't happen to offer it,
do you?
Dagan's dead, you said.
Fortune has offered us a
subject for demonstration.
She is a queen,
dress her as such.
Our subject thinks much of her
dainty toes.
She is famous for her
lovely feet.
- Ja.
- We call this cord a fuse.
Simply light one end of it.
Bang.
That was a little bang.
We came for large bangs.
Large bangs.
Large bangs, large bangs,
large bangs.
You will have one.
For now, we put our powder
in a tube of iron.
You said she knew nothing
of pain.
I know I did.
I think she does now.
Her foot is quite badly
fucked up.
Yeah, it really is.
I'm going to work my way around
your body, Dagan.
But first, tell me.
Is that the pair you
travelled with?
I don't know who they are.
Well, whoever they are,
they're about to watch you
suffer very, very much.
Nice.
She could try to bargain with
our peasanty lives,
and yet she still doesn't give
us away.
Primed and ready.
Let's see what it will do
to the human...
knee.
Again, we light the fuse.
Hold.
We, the common people,
wish to avenge ourselves
on the tyrant.
Amuse us.
Give the peasant a go.
Nice and messy, please.
Chunks everywhere.
Dagan, let this show you where
we stand.
I think she meant to hurl it
into that chest.
Treachery!
Shulmay's a rotten throw,
but I'm not!
Close it!
Ha! The powder needs air
to burn.
Starved of air,
it cannot catch...
Bang, bang!
Ja!
That was a large bang!
Guards!
Argh!
Argh!
Oh, Dagan.
I've bested you once already,
now you're all starved
and leaking.
I fought for myself back then.
Now I fight for something else.
Argh!
- Ladies, fighting with swords.
- Ja.
Argh!
Let me tell you a secret, Dagan.
I've begun to enjoy it
at the top of the tree.
I can tell you that,
'cause you'd understand.
I was going to melt this down
for gold coin, but...
wouldn't it look fine on Joan's
most humble head?
'Take the crown, Joan!
You're the people's queen!'
'Oh, but I mustn't.'
'Oh, but we wish it!'
'Well, if I must.'
There's no sky.
It's just you...
No!
...the spade.
and the thing what must
be spaded.
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la...
Humble Joan,
for eternity your
memory will...
Oh, that was magnificent!
- Outstanding!
- Ja!
- High funf!
- High funf!
Queen Dagan, we wanted you to
win all along.
I really enjoyed that.
-Right.
-That was so good.
-Ja.
-Ja.
My blood is falling out.
My life ebbs away.
Dagan.
This land will need a ruler
when I'm gone.
I was a bastard.
Joan.
Leofwine.
Ivarr, Gunthrum.
We're all bastards.
Maybe countries need leaders
who aren't bastards.
Shulmay...
will you be queen?
I can't be queen.
Can I?
You were made for it.
Trust me.
Shulmay...
Do you promise to rule with
wisdom and kindness?
Yes.
Yes, I do.
Queen Shulmay.
I don't want to die on
the ground.
Help me up, my Queen.
Uh, Queen Shulmay.
Any chance you could give us
the recipe
for the bang-bang powder?
No.
Just asking.
Yeah, no need to be snippy.
Come on. Let's go.
Which way is the boat?
It was your job to
remember that.
Erm, it was close to
a very distinctive pebble.
Oh ja, by that big, sort
of, sandy-coloured section.
I see a snail.
Come, Big Liam.
I'm ready.
No.
Come.
Cease your approach,
Big Liam.
I've had an idea.
This will stop the bleeding.
Just a tiny pinch of
the powder.
Liam, I see you,
Big Liam. I'm ready.
That'll burn the wound shut.
Stand back.
Ouch!
Fucking hell!
The bleeding's stopped.
Saved your life.
Come.
Thank you...
Earl Bobik.
I'm an earl!
Hey, I'm an earl!
A ruddy earl!
Oof.
Where are you off to?
Why, off to the citadel.
We have a coronation to arrange!
I'm the Queen!
You're the fucking Queen!
I'm the Queen!
Shulmay, you found your song!
I'm the Queen!
The fucking Queen!
And the crown stayed on
the right head.
The head it was meant for
all along.
Hooray for Queen Shulmay,
the people's queen!
What about Bobik?
I moved to a palace.
And I found my beloved countess.
Here you are, dear.
And everybody lived
happily ever after.
The end.
Sorry for all the swearing.
Thank you!
Thank you so much!
Many thanks!
Don't forget the puppeteer.
Thank you.
-Thank you.
-Thanks.
Is it true what
the grown-ups say,
that you're the other queen in
the story?
What?
She was so mean and angry.
Nobody would want to
be her friend.
Do I look like her?
No, you don't.
So, it can't be me, can it?
Or at least it hasn't been for
a very long...
Oh, for goodness sake!
Seize them!
Shall I milk thy herd for you,
kind sir?
Hey, I'm in love.
My fingers keep on clicking
to the beat...
He locked her away in a tower.
And anyone who spoke of
her again
would be pressed through
a cattle grid.
Ebony and ivory and dancing
and in the street
Hey, it's 'cause of you
the world...
I've heard she's done this:
poos in your wells.
My heart is beating like
a jungle drum
Guda, dunga, dunga, dunga,
dung, dung, dung...
I'm gonna fuck you up!
Come on, let's go, let's go,
let's go, let's go, let's go.
...like a jungle drum
What, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee,
dee, dee, dee.
...the moment between
the striking and the fire
- A dragon, then.
-They're not real.
Fuck off.
...kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss
No one ever stopped
My hands are in the air,
yes, I'm in love
My heart is beating like
a jungle drum
Guda, dunga, dunga, dunga,
dung, dung, dung
My heart is beating like
a jungle drum
Guda, dunga, dunga, dunga,
dung, dung, dung
My heart is beating like
a jungle drum
Rung, dung, da-rung,
gung, gung...
My heart is beating like
a jungle drum
Rung, dung, da-rung,
gung, gung...
My heart is beating like
a jungle drum
Rung, dung, da-rung,
gung, gung...
My heart is beating like
a jungle drum
Rung, dung, da-rung, gung,
gung...
My heart is beating like
a jungle drum
My heart is beating like
a jungle drum
My heart is beating like
a jungle...
Rung, dung, da-rung,
gung, gung...
I'm alive, Dagan!
I'm still alive!
It was the Dark Ages.
And in the land of Britain,
there lived a mighty queen,
adored by all her subjects.
Most of them.
Some of them.
Oh, just meet her.
You'll understand.
- My Queen, enemy force...
- Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh!
How am I coming out?
My portrait. And give me
the truth, unvarnished.
Don't think to
flatter me, Leofwine.
Maybe the Queen should
judge for herself.
Well done!
I'll not have your fingers
hacked off today.
Thank you, my Queen.
- Now, how goes the war?
- Ah.
Oh yes, the war.
Angered by Dagan's harsh reign,
the peasants had
risen against her.
From amongst the common folk,
a rebel champion rose,
a woodcutter
named Humble Joan,
and Joan had something
the queen did not:
a secret of great might
called flame-powder.
But Dagan had a plan to
crush the rebellion.
The forest archers,
the river clans,
the spearmen of the fens.
We... we muster them here.
Are you listening?
We muster them here and they
shall smash our enemies.
I- I don't know why you didn't
think of this before.
My Queen, we can move the
pieces on the map all we like.
It will not conjure them here.
The spearmen of the fens
are fallen.
Well, let them get up again,
the lazy tykes.
Humph!
I thought you were going to say
they were dead.
The river clans are
cleft in bits.
The forest archers turned
and... fight for Humble Joan.
I know the illness which gnaws
at your innards.
Ow, my fucking leg!
It's not Humble Joan, no.
-Where's it gone?!
- It's fear.
So, let us lift our spirits
with a - with a banquet!
She tramples on the lions,
She tramples on her foes,
raises burdensome taxes
on their howling widows.
Dainty, soft, soft.
Shut up!
Come.
What's this yellow stuff?
No, let me guess.
Tumery. Turmer -
- Meric.
- Turmer...
Turmeric.
- You please me.
Bring me these eggs in all
the banquets to come.
Yes, my Queen.
All eggs. Right.
Humble Joan can't stop us from
enjoying this, can she?
I am more than your queen,
am I not?
I'm- I'm your friend.
A toast, to friendship.
Fall back!
The wall is breached.
Oh, dear.
Fighting in the passages.
Screams of the dying.
Yes, dying peasants, though,
don't we think?
Footsteps coming
closer.
They're at the door.
Humble Joan.
Merely Joan.
I seek no fame, no titles.
Only justice.
Urgh.
As do I.
Leofwine!
During any change of government,
some element of continuity
is advisable.
No!
I am still the queen!
Thanes, I command you to
seize them!
Is she serious?
Thanes, you are citizens of
the new commonwealth.
Be free.
Thank you, Humble Joan,
you heal our land.
You heal yourselves.
What?
Wolf Tail...
My father's blade.
Humble Joan, I challenge you to
single combat.
The victor wins the realm.
Duelling?
Oh. A sad habit
of the wealthy.
We have no need for it now.
There are a dozen tongues
in this hall.
More than one shall speak of
the time
Humble Joan was afraid.
If I can fell the tallest oak,
I can cut down a little queen.
Argh!
Such pretty nails
and such a soft foot.
You've lived as a queen.
Time to die as one.
Many people cry for their
mothers at a time like this.
Mum! No!
Not I! Argh!
Oh, a fighting queen at last!
Did I touch a nerve?
See how the coward runs.
Now, bring her back.
Well, look at you.
She went this way!
Oh, excuse me, corpse chap.
Dagan!
Oooh, D-D-D-D-D Dagan!
Boo!
My new master will be pleased.
This way, my Queen.
Oh. Oh, titting balls.
I've never gone this way before.
They're staff stairs, come on!
I remember you now.
You're one of the servants and
you're called Turmeric.
- That's the spice.
- Yes, I knew that.
Dishand me! A commoner may not
touch a queen!
Urgh!
- Why are we going up?
- I know of a privy chute.
- A what?
- A privy chute.
It's narrow, but steep
and moist.
We'll slide fast.
Moist is a word for it,
I can think of others.
At least consider it,
my Queen.
Do you think to trick me
and push me down?
That wasn't so bad, was it?
The Queen requires a shoe!
You look perfect. Now, run!
Find Dagan!
Find the queen!
Where are we going?
And what's your name again?
Shulmay.
Shulmay, Shulmay, Shulmay,
Shulmay, Shulmay, Shulmay,
Shulmay, Shulmay, Shulmay,
Shulmay, Shulmay.
- We'll swim downstream.
- We turn back.
Quick, they're coming.
In here.
Hang on,
what's this?
The Queen's colour.
She took to water.
She reckons we'll lose
the scent.
Follow the river, boys!
The Queen had outwitted
the rebels and escaped.
Maybe Shulmay helped
a bit too.
But with her citadel taken,
what would Dagan do now?
When I was a girl, I would watch
my father punish traitors.
He would cleave off their arms.
And shove them up their arses.
- That's nice.
- Hmm.
And then he would cleave off
their arses
and shove those up whatever
remained.
People didn't always get
their own arses.
Arses were swapped about.
Now, Leofwine,
she will have
all of this and more
when I take back the citadel
tomorrow.
And do you have soldiers
for that, Your Majesty?
You're making the queen
feel bad.
Your throne is lost.
But it can be yours again.
You may continue.
For weeks, I feared Leofwine
was playing both sides,
that there were letters
she didn't show you.
Earlier in the fog of war,
she left one on the table.
'To Chancellor Leofwine,
from King Ivarr of Jutland and
King Guthrum of the Frisians.'
These are my cousins!
My cousins across the sea!
'By Fingerstone Rock -'
Well, I had a moment, no more.
I could only take
the first page.
Then we'll never know the rest!
I'm finished!
Strangle me.
But gently.
It said Ivarr and Guthrum
will give you sanctuary
in their lands.
Then they'll muster armies
and longships
all for you to take back
what's yours.
Then I'm saved!
But what does 'by Fingerstone
Rock' mean?
Fingerstone is a crag
on the coast.
It marks the shortest passage
to their lands.
Well, that's where
we're going!
How far is Fingerstone Rock
from here?
A hundred and forty miles.
One hundred and forty miles?
One hundred and -
And so began their great
journey, to Fingerstone Rock,
to the kings, to salvation.
Shulmay, your servant's shoe is
not very watertight.
Add that to your things to
fix list.
My Queen, you are conspicuous
with your red gown and your
gold crown.
Just -
- Hey!
My father's crown shall not
be removed.
- If it's seen -
- Well, then cover it.
Find me a nice hat.
Yep.
You're probably wondering why
I'm helping you.
Why this servant who...
could've slipped away hasn't.
Not especially, no.
It's your job.
And, hey, stop walking
before your Queen!
What is the world coming to?
Keep up, though!
We have no time for slackers.
Yeah.
On they walked, with happy
smiles and swelling hearts.
Until...
This is my morning song I sing,
in summer, winter,
and in spring.
It's made from air that
I breathe in,
and push it out my mouth again.
Some say the tune and words
are wrong,
but it is not their fucking
song.
When he leaves for work,
we'll search his hut for
clothes and food.
Why wait?
This man is a loyal subject.
Look, any army would have him,
and yet he has not joined
the rebels.
No purple flower.
- We cannot know who his loyal...
- Greetings, peasant!
- Great.
- I am your Queen, Queen Dagan,
and we noticed you do not wear
the mauve bloom.
- Oh, it must've fallen off.
- Oh!
- An enemy!
- No, no, no.
I just like purple flowers.
Noticed, er, lots of people
marching about wearing 'em.
Is it fashion?
No, it is not fashion,
it is revolution.
Oh... well, been nice to
meet you.
Your Queen needs clothes
and food.
Please help us.
Alright, well, I'll see
what I've got.
My name is Bobik.
- Okay.
- Right.
Come in.
Here's where she took to water.
No sign of her yet.
There. Footprints.
Dagan lay here,
and not alone.
Someone's helping her.
Someone clever.
- But we thought -
Ha, what they made you think.
Keep searching the river.
- Yes, Joan.
I'll go east.
I know Dagan's weaknesses.
She'll not hide long from me.
Thank you, Citizen Leofwine.
Take the soldiers and get to it.
Excuse me.
Affairs of the state.
Off you go.
Bring me Dagan's head.
There's a poppet.
So, we'll walk to
Fingerstone Rock,
and then we'll sail a boat
across the sea
to find new soldiers
for the queen.
Splish, splash, splosh.
I've heard of the sea.
It's like a puddle, but much,
much wider.
And it's salty, like when you
lick your own armpit.
How far is this walk of yours?
A hundred and thirty miles
from here.
You're gonna need a horse.
They all died.
In the great horse plague.
- A dragon, then.
- Yeah, they're not real.
Fuck off.
- Do you have any money?
- Uh-uh.
Food?
Well, just these crusts
you're eating.
And a lump.
A lump of what?
Lamb?
Or cheese?
The man I get it off never
tells me.
What's your trade, Bobik?
I'm a shit spader.
I spade the shit.
Not a job that needs a long
explanation.
No, there... there's more to it
than most think, you know.
There are... countless different
kinds of shit.
And no two spades the same.
You have your basic cow shit.
Um, you've got your runny shit,
you've got your compacted shit,
crumbly shit,
glistening shit, young shit,
old shit, frozen shit,
grassy shit, muddy shit,
waxy shit.
You even have shit with
bones in it.
- We understand.
- Mouldy shit, mossy shit,
stringy shit, sandy shit,
leafy shit, mystery shit.
Fizzy shit.
You get tasty shit too.
Where are you going?
You have sacks.
Yeah, full of shit.
And they clothe you.
My Queen, we need disguises.
We can wear sack cloth
and carry powerful spades
and pose as honest shovelers
on our trek.
And it was at that moment
Queen Dagan awoke
from her hideous nightmare.
This trek, I'll come with you.
No. No, Bobik.
It's bad enough having to walk
next to a servant.
But you, I don't mean to offend
you here,
but you are the lowest variety
of human.
But if I come with you,
you can make me a thane.
That's the second highest title.
Well, what's the highest?
- An earl.
- Good, then I'll be an earl.
I like the shit and I...take a
great deal of pride
in my spading of it, but...
I've always fancied being,
um, one of those rich fellas.
Bobik is strong,
and has skills we don't.
He could prove handy.
Alright.
Bobik, you may journey with us,
and when I'm restored to
my throne,
I shall give you that earldom.
Yes! Thank you.
I'll never make an
earl of Bobik.
Or you, or any lowborn.
But I don't think we need
to tell him that now.
It can be our little secret.
Yeah.
And so, the two became three.
Queen Dagan, Shulmay,
and Bobik,
names to echo down the ages.
As long as they didn't get
caught.
You walk like a queen,
my Queen.
You should walk like a Bobik.
There.
Oh, and I'll speak peasant too.
Once, I spoke peasant all day,
and it really did make
the thanes chuckle.
'Shall I milk your herd for
you, kind Sir?'
Okay, so when we meet someone,
I'll do the talking.
- Will you now?
- Yeah.
I'll talk too.
I know lots of words.
I know twenty words.
Shall we have a little
practice, Bobik?
Okay, I'm a stranger.
Fine morning, fellow travellers.
Where are you going?
We are on a journey.
Shit spaders, I see.
I am, yeah.
She's not, she's the queen.
We're off to meet some kings
and - oh.
So, lies are required.
But lies are bad and wrong.
Let's just try this again.
Say, 'I am not Bobik.'
But I am Bobik.
Say it.
I am...n... not Bobik.
- And it's a great first go.
- Pfft.
Okay, but don't puff your
cheeks out,
'cause it gives the game away.
So, again.
I am... not Bobik.
- Don't look up.
I am... not Bobik.
Getting worse now.
A traveller do come.
Pots, pans, kettles,
and cans.
Bobik, you're a lifelong mute.
Without words thou be.
None of that.
Your Majesty.
Pots and pans, kettles
and cans.
Good day, Mr Ironmonger.
Beautiful smithing there.
- Thank you.
- Yes, and that one is lovely.
Love them all.
- Obliged.
Yeah. We've no money to
buy them, though,
as we are not wealthy.
I suppose so.
You're three shit spaders,
that much is plain.
It is very plain
that's what we are.
Yes, all day,
just shovelling away.
Oh, my poor back!
Sure you've got no coin, pal?
Can't tempt you with this
lovely little shit pan,
just for the small shits?
Er, he was born without speech.
As was she.
Heard the big news from up
the citadel?
We have not, Sir.
It's all over for Queen Dagan.
Humble Joan holds the realm now.
What do you make of that?
What do you
make of that?
Glorious.
Absolutely fantastic.
It's, it's so good.
They say Humble Joan has some
sort of dust
that goes boom!
Went through them walls like
piss through a snowdrift.
Good job and all.
Dagan was a right old cow.
Well, let's not be too hard
on her.
She was a cow, mate.
Like, if I were to compose
a ranking list
of my favourite evil tyrants,
she'd never make top twenty.
Well, we've delayed you long
enough.
Nailed on bottom five.
Bottom two, even.
We really must
be going.
This way is east, isn't it?
- Last place is either Dagan or-
hmm, Magnus the Flagellator?
And Magnus did a lot more
charity work
than people remember.
It's sort of overshadowed,
you know?
By the flagellations.
Well, it's been a pleasure.
She's not the queen.
He speaks!
Mute all his sad life,
and now, here on this moor,
he magics whole phrases.
She's not the queen.
And he doesn't even know what
they mean.
Well, farewell, good sir,
and good munging.
Oh, hey, if you're heading
east, beware a certain forest.
What forest?
I just told you, a certain one.
Okay...
If he looks behind, we have
something to fear.
All is well.
It was a nice little
shit pan, that.
I should be sitting at my desk
having a cheeky midweek wine.
You know I collect goblets?
- Do ya?
People think I work
all the time,
but I've got loads of interests.
Socialising, giving orders.
Mmm...
We don't even know if they came
this way.
Bloody runaway monarchs!
So annoying!
I know this pattern!
They're close, Max.
They're close.
Darkness gathers.
We'll dwell the night here.
I can't remember when
I wasn't walking.
How long has it been?
All day, all night, another day.
Oh, my toes, they look like
boxers' eyelids!
I'm- I'm rancid.
I'm rotting.
My royal body requires a palace
to rest in.
- Here?
- Yes.
Make a palace happen around me.
A good stone one.
Okay.
I can't sleep without my
anthem, Shulmay.
Harsh as a lion,
she tramples her foes,
raises burdensome taxes
on their howling widows,
Queen, Queen Dagan.
While Queen Dagan slept,
Humble Joan was working late
at the citadel.
Ultimate super weapons don't
make themselves, you know.
Easy does it.
Beautiful.
It's kings and queens who yearn
for portraits.
Oh, but Joan, you're the
greatest woman of the age.
Alright, if you must, but it
doesn't matter to me.
How will you do my hair?
A message from Leofwine.
'I'm pursuing the tyrant Dagan
eastward.
Though she's proved
elusive so far,
I expect to capture her very
tremendously soon.'
Dagan's alive.
While her heart beats,
I cannot rest easy.
It's damn cold out there.
It's toasty in this palace.
If a little... heavy.
Would you like us to remove
some stones, Your Majesty?
No, no, don't be
ridiculous.
Then I'd be cold, like you.
Night-night.
Shulmay.
Bobik.
I'm in this to be an earl.
And Dagan's in this to get her
kingdom back.
What's in it for you?
When I was a girl, I found
myself with no family,
nor any friends to keep me.
So, I banged my little fists on
the citadel gates
and I begged for a job.
They made me table servant to
Ur-Nammu.
The old king, Dagan's dad.
One night I'm sent to fetch
his dinner,
citadel's a warren, I get lost.
Ur-Nammu's dinner comes
late, and it comes cold.
So, he gives an order to feed
me to his wolves.
That's not very good, is it?
His wife, Queen Fritha,
bargained for my life.
She made me a servant in her
chambers.
And for five years I stayed
with her there.
Fritha always wore a charm
around her neck.
When the illness took her,
she gave it to me.
And she said -
If that girl is ever
in trouble,
please look after her.
Queen Fritha always wore this.
It's Dagan's first baby tooth.
Fritha saved me,
and I couldn't save her.
So, I'll save her daughter,
whether her daughter likes it
or not.
Dagan doesn't know about this?
She won't hear talk of her
mother.
That's just how it is.
You're a good person, Shulmay.
You deserve good things to
happen to you.
Yeah.
Ni-night.
- Come on!
- What?
Sun's coming up.
Time to get moving.
One of us has to have some
discipline around here.
Looks like it's me.
Off we pop!
This is my morning song I sing,
in summer, winter,
and in spring.
It's made from air that
I breathe in,
and then push out
my mouth again.
Shulmay, I seek your advice.
Lowly you may be,
but you're what's here,
so, you'll have to do.
Hmm. Such an honour.
King Ivarr, King Guthrum.
I'll marry one of them to bind
the alliance and make an heir.
But which one?
Guthrum's warriors could lay
waste to whole shires,
but Ivarr's fleets could ravage
hell itself.
Choices, choices.
They both sound delightful,
but would your mother want you
marrying either?
What I mean to say is...
- You said nothing.
And you will never speak of
that nothing, ever.
Do you understand?
Yes, my Queen.
And all the while, the traitor,
Leofwine, pursued them.
Unrelenting, unstoppable,
like a machine,
but with great hair.
Yeah.
Up there.
Three of 'em.
And... halt.
Dinner time.
Ooh, hello lump.
Rip.
- Thank you.
- Hmm.
- It's lamb.
- It's cheese.
It's all we've got to eat
for the next ninety miles.
Why just eat
when we can feast?
Fine pork aplenty there.
More than enough to last us all
the way.
And this is our bait.
Yeah, boars are nimble.
We'll need a bow to catch it.
I'm an incredible hunter.
My Queen, we used to hide in
a ditch,
and release the animals as you
came past.
Well, I still had to catch
the things.
It's not as though you
lamed them.
- Well...
- Shh!
You'll startle our prey.
Surprise attack!
Yeah, maybe don't actually say,
'surprise attack'.
Here we go.
Good piggy.
It's a bit fucking late now!
He'll stay longer... if we leave
the whole lump.
She's gonna do it.
Urgh.
You're angry with me.
You know, if anyone's to blame
here, Shulmay...
Really?
If anyone's to blame here,
Shulmay...
it's me.
And it's my fault
we've no food now.
And...?
And I'm... sorry.
An apology. Thank you.
Up we get.
No time for slackers, eh?
Shulmay, isn't it strange,
a few days ago I didn't even
know your name,
or any servant's.
And now here I am.
Here we are.
I did a table.
Tonight, we shall feast upon
the rich flesh...
Dagan's pretty crown.
This way.
Tell me about yourself,
Bobik.
And I'll listen this time,
I actually will.
I was born in a bin.
When we were little,
we couldn't afford clothes,
so, we made our own
out of nettles.
Ouch.
That was my first word.
Then there was the whole rest
of my life.
And then there's now.
Which is the important bit,
isn't it?
Yeah, he's actually right.
We fret so much about
the future,
or I do, anyway.
And then when you get
to the future, it's now.
Life is made of nows.
It's always now.
Such wisdom.
There's an invisible snail
of time,
and he eats all your nows.
The day you see him is
the day you die.
And he's called Big Liam.
It was going so well till then.
Ooh, I bet they've got good
pies down there.
We've gotta eat sometime.
Well, we can't enter
a town.
Got no money anyway.
Got these.
No.
No, I'm not shovelling turds
for copper coins.
I'm just not.
I said I'm not shovelling turds
for copper coins.
Did you hear me?
Guys?
Bread!
Only one quarter sawdust!
- Bread!
- Finest wool!
Get your random geese!
Oyez, oyez!
News from the citadel.
Shh, shh, shh.
The siege is over.
The victor is Humble Joan!
- Humble Joan!
-Shulmay.
Sorry, excuse me, sorry.
Hooray!
- Sorry.
- Thank you.
Urgh. Yuck.
Shit spaders for hire, you said.
- Yeah.
- You can spade shit.
- Thank you.
- You can sort of spade shit.
But I've got no words for you.
Pick up the pace,
or nobody gets paid!
Bobik, I need to improve!
It takes many, many years to
master the way of the spade.
It's... it's not something you
can just get across
in an afternoon.
Well, can we try?
What's your song?
Harsh as a lion...
No, no!
Your real song.
Come here.
Closer.
Bobik not gonna hurt Dagan.
Just close your eyes.
Please.
Now, I'm gonna need you to go
deep inside yourself.
Okay?
Now, just imagine for a second
that you're not a queen.
You're not a woman.
You're not a man.
There's no earth,
there's no sky.
It's just you, and the spade,
and the thing what must
be spaded.
Now open your eyes.
What do you see?
Me.
Spade.
And that huge pile.
BOBIK; Now, there's a song
inside you.
Everyone has one,
deep in their soul.
That's your spading song.
That's your rhythm.
No.
I can't hear any song,
I'm sorry.
Well, that's odd.
Well, let's go even deeper.
Think about something from
your past.
Not a good idea.
It'll be fine.
Bobik's got this.
Well, does he, though?
Not helping.
Trust me.
Close your eyes again.
Go even deeper inside.
Deep as it goes.
See? I told you.
Mum! Mum! Mum!
No!
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
- la-la-la...
What's the racket?
What shit spader breaks their
own shit spade?
Leathermaker, we will redouble
our efforts.
You'll redouble your efforts
to fuck off.
-Kind leathermaker...
- Fuck off!
Brilliant.
How we gonna earn coin now?
My only talent is being
a queen.
Ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls.
Since the death of
Ur-Nammu the Great,
you have been oppressed by his
horrendous daughter,
the selfish, arrogant, stuck-up
little child queen,
despised by all.
Now is the time for sweet
revenge.
I present to you Queen Dagan.
You low, low wretches,
you poo gobbling serfs,
puss-encrusted bell-ends.
Who dares to defame your queen?
Pelt the Queen with
rocks.
One for a farthing,
six for a penny.
What great value.
Here is a farthing.
Who threw that?
Suck my fat scorn,
you maggoty churl.
I'll open your head and stab
you in the fucking mind.
I'll hang your balls from
a spike
so, everybody can see how tiny
they are.
Very, very, very tiny balls.
It's Bobik.
I heard her speak once and she
sounded just like that.
Do her some damage.
Six for a penny.
Is that all you've got,
you cock-sucking witches?
I was a superb puppeteer,
was I not?
Fantastic.
- How good was I, Bobik?
- You were absolutely shit.
You're doing a jest.
That I am.
- And a great one at that.
- Thank you.
Well, we've earned enough for
food.
And beer.
And toenail paint, which I'm
not convinced that we need.
I need it, Shulmay, I just do.
It's a queen thing,
judge me not.
Help.
She likes you.
Smile back.
You flirted, Bobik.
People who don't smell get to
do that now and then.
So, we take the Great East Road
from here,
and then it's a few days to
Fingerstone Rock.
Then we're out across the sea.
We're halfway to salvation.
And I'm still wearing this
little chap.
Boop.
And it's safe so long as I have
my friends.
I said that exact thing only
a week ago to others.
And then they tried to
murder me.
Urgh.
You two haven't murdered me,
not even a tiny bit.
We're your friends.
Best friends, forever.
Even though you're both
very, very common.
And when I'm back on my throne,
I shall rain riches and titles
on you both.
You said that before.
Yes, but I was fibbing then.
I mean it now.
To friendship.
Shulmay, what's your song?
I dunno.
Don't have one probably.
Everyone's got one.
The tooth in the bottle.
I mean, there must be
a story there.
Let me guess.
Oh, it's the tooth of your
long-lost sweetheart.
And we can
help you win him back.
Bobik, that'll be our next
adventure.
- It's just a tooth.
- It's your tooth.
Your mum, Queen Fritha,
gave it to Shulmay,
and Shulmay made a promise to
look after you,
'cau...'cause your mum saved
Shulmay...
Beer... beer made me say that.
Is that true, Shulmay?
You're not loyal to me.
You're not my friend.
You're just a friend of
my mother's.
- She was a good woman, Dagan.
- She locked herself in a tower.
She refused to see me.
I was abandoned, forsaken.
- No, because...
Speak no more of that woman!
Okay, we're getting attention.
We need to leave, quietly.
Don't look.
Leofwine.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
She doesn't know you.
Distract her.
How?
You're not even
looking properly. Look at it.
Oh God, your breath is like
a badger's arse.
Hello.
Madame.
You are a super fine lady.
And this is me telling you that.
That was beer, it wasn't
a sudden gush of piss.
This is an interaction of some
kind, but what exactly?
It's my new thing.
It's called flirting.
Is it going well?
Whoa.
- Can it stop?
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, sorry, sorry.
You.
Have you seen this woman?
Is there a way east which isn't
the Great East Road?
A way that's, er, much quicker,
but at the same time isn't used
by anyone at all?
There is such a way.
There's a certain forest.
You don't wanna go through
there.
We've heard about this
certain forest.
What's so bad about it?
- The Man-Wolf.
Ur-Nammu the Great loved
his wolves,
more than his own daughter even.
Story goes he tried to make
a Man-Wolf companion
by unnatural means.
First, a fella was kidnapped,
then Ur-Nammu transformed
this poor man
with hexes and the like.
And I'm guessing that
went badly.
Or are you going to
surprise me
and say it went really well?
- No!
It was a monster made with
magic only a king can undo.
And it dwells in those
woods still,
feasting on the fools who take
the forest path.
Them what don't believe
the beast is real!
Humble Joan's here!
Oh no, not her as well.
Humble Joan is here!
It's Humble Joan!
Humble Joan, Humble Joan,
Humble Joan, Humble Joan,
Humble Joan...
Humble Joan, Humble Joan,
Humble Joan, Humble Joan,
Humble Joan, Humble Joan...
Good citizens...
five days now
since Dagan fell,
and with her the crooked laws,
which stole the wealth of this
land from you, the people.
And yet Dagan lives.
She stalks our fields.
No!
Our lanes.
No!
I have heard she lurks here,
in the east,
and hopes to win her
throne again.
Never!
To pillage and to murder.
And I've heard she's done poos
in your wells.
She doesn't do that.
300 silver marks,
a lifetime's pay,
all for the one who brings me
Dagan, alive or dead.
The people are the heroes now.
Put her head on a spike.
Quick, Dagan, this way.
Stop it! She's here.
She's here.
The little piggy princess.
Bobik!
Bobik!
- Yeah? No.
Is that woman gone?
- Yes, come on!
Scary.
But lovely hair.
So, they took the path where
nobody goes,
into a certain forest.
Man-Wolf.
No. No, such thing.
Absolutely not, no.
No way.
Stay on the path.
Never leave the path.
Bobik, tell this woman she has
us utterly lost.
You still not talking to her?
Well, I'll travel with her
if I must.
But it's my mother she loves.
So, all former relations
are severed.
I liked it when we were in
the pub.
There was beer.
If it cheers you up, Bobik, you
can have an extra county
on your earldom.
- Whoa.
Hey, will there be ale
in this county?
All the ale you can guzzle.
What, and pies?
- Pies too.
- What kind of pies?
- All the pies you can imagine.
- Wow!
Well, hey, I can imagine
a great many
different kinds of pies.
I'm sure you can, but there's
no need to list them.
You've got apple pie,
mutton pie.
- Here we go.
- Elderberry pie, venison pie.
- Yeah.
- Rabbit pie.
- Rabbit pie's a nice pie.
- Mm-hmm.
But then, of course, you have
all the fish pies.
Imagine for a moment any fish
in the river,
and then just say the word
'pie' after it.
- Got it.
- Go on, have a go. Give me one.
- Trout.
- Trout pie, yes.
Salmon pie.
Now, eel pie is very...
What's that?
Are we standing in the lair of
the deadly Man-Wolf?
I command you not to panic.
But yes, yes, we are.
Hey, please don't leave me!
Circle of safety, circle of
safety, circle of safety,
circle of safety!
- Oh, God!
Oh, Gods, whatever!
Halt.
You were no shit spader.
That I could tell.
Then I saw that panting,
you with the crown.
No, no, I'm Hilda.
I...I'm a travelling merchant.
Let's walk.
300 silver marks will buy me
all the...
Saw him creep off
with his long sword,
like he knew something.
And he led me all the way
to you...
Your Majesty.
Gods and ancestors,
assist me now.
Don't waste your breathe.
My 300 silver marks will...
Oh, my...
Couldn't let him be the one to
catch the great Queen Dagan.
And now, 300 silver...
Ludicrous!
That leathermaker tried to send
us north.
But we figured out his game.
And those 300 silver marks...
- Shall be mi...
- Argh!
No, you don't.
You are a difficult person
to track down and behead.
If you want to talk your way
out of this,
now's your chance.
Leofwine...
I mean, we go way back,
and I thought...
Dee, dee, dee, dee, dee...
Carry on.
You know,
maybe we could just...
- Dee, dee, dee, dee, dee...
Dear sweet, stupid,
stupid, stupid
Dagan!
- You won't escape this.
The mighty Bobik.
He'll be here any moment.
Circle of safety,
circle of safety.
Nobody's coming for you.
Leofwine, listen!
Humble Joan, she'll just cast
you aside as soon as she can.
She can't.
You don't think Joan's
in charge, do you?
People like you and her,
you don't actually govern.
People like me do that.
I gather taxes,
I pay the druids,
I burn the druids,
I hire cheaper, new druids.
I run the show,
and I always did.
Urgh!
You...
You should have...
- She's dead.
- ...joined me!
I had so many plans.
All dust now.
Dust... now.
- She's dead.
- No!
I'm alive, Dagan,
I'm still alive.
- Now...
Oh, for God's sake.
I've actually literally wet
my breeches.
The queen has moistened herself.
At least that man-wolf never
showed up.
Shulmay!
I'm coming, Shulmay!
Get your hands off my friend!
Urgh!
Relax.
It's broken.
Your crown broke the spell.
I can return to my family.
Thank you for setting me free.
Hey, you alright, Clive?
I ain't seen you in years.
You're looking well.
Shulmay, are you hurt?
You came to save me.
You took off your crown
for a lowly wretch like me.
Oh, but what a wretch.
What a wretch.
With that huge bounty on your
head, we won't get far,
but Leofwine's a close enough
match for you.
We still have your scarlet
robes.
If she's found in them,
the hunt for the Queen ends.
But we have different faces.
Yes, but this is craggy country.
We'll find a cliff and drop her
off a decent height.
I get it.
If Leofwine's head lands
on a hard surface,
then her face will be all blown
inside out
and splintered, crushed.
See? Put her in the
gown, she's almost you.
Just the face to think about.
This here drop should do
the job on that.
Okay.
But she has to land correctly.
So, we... we've gotta drop her
this way, then.
No, like this.
Legs first,
'cause she'll flip as she falls.
No, sideways,
with a touch of spin.
- No, headfirst.
- You haven't done this before.
Neither have you.
Alright, sideways
with a touch of spin.
Okay.
You got her?
- Yeah.
Ready?
One, two, three.
Do we have to go down
and fetch her up?
Yes. Yes, we do.
Okay, headfirst.
One, two, three.
What?!
She flipped as she fell,
I did say.
- He did say.
- No, there was a sudden gust.
Yeah, one more time.
Alright.
Urgh, how are we gonna
pick her up?
She's very slightly
damaged.
I think I've worked
something out.
Dagan often talks about nailing
her foes to trees
and opening up their guts
and other such japes.
When this kind of stuff happens
in front of her...
- She doesn't much like it.
- No, she doesn't.
Lies!
I am hard as horn.
In my youth, my father made me
watch such things.
No! No, no, no, please,
Your Majesty!
No, no, no! I beg you!
Please, no!
No!
No!
No!
Alright.
I hated it.
I hated every horrid moment
of it!
Are you satisfied?
And my mother did nothing.
Mum! No! No!
Why won't you see me?
Shulmay, I feel we've opened
the wax lid
atop a clay vessel of worms.
Your father thought your
mother's love
would make you soft,
so, he locked her away in
a tower,
and anyone who spoke
of her again
would be pressed through
a cattle grid.
She never abandoned you,
Dagan.
My mother lo... loved me?
Always.
Why did nobody tell me?
The cattle grid.
Your father was a bad man.
And not worthy of your
admiration.
But that is just the opinion
of Bobik.
I've been so wrong.
Shall we have a third go then,
or what?
I reckon we've got this.
Just let me do one thing.
Okay, feet first.
You ready?
One, two, three.
With the flip.
Yay!
I'll see you again soon.
Promise.
Someone will find the body
soon enough.
This is what they want
Why are you still here?
This is what they said
This is what you get
This is you feeling
the same as you used to
Pay them the bounty.
Is Leofwine back from
the forest yet?
She's tougher than I thought.
I worried she wouldn't make it
this far.
It's, what, a three-day
walk to Fingerstone Rock?
To meet Ivarr and Guthrum.
Bobik.
- Yeah?
- The thing is...
Yeah, we'll do that.
We'll do all of that.
And after a day's work at the
new c-c-collective bakery,
I kept a few sweepings of flour
for me and my family.
- Oh dear.
- And I'm very sorry.
It won't happen again.
But I haven't had any wages
since Freedom Day,
and the guards say there's no
coin to pay us with,
and, and the kids,
they're so hungry.
- Witgar.
- Hmm?
You can go back to your family.
Thank you, Joan.
After a stay at the citadel,
in a special room,
deep underground.
I...I, urgh... I love you!
This commonwealth
cannot fail.
-I love you!
- Will not fail.
Humble Joan, a message
from across the seas.
And this letter gives us
the means to do it.
Pack up!
I have somewhere to be.
And so, the long journey to
the eastern shore
was nearly over.
Then, just a short trip across
the sea
would take them to
the great allies.
King Ivarr and King Guthrum.
There it is.
A hundred and two score miles,
and here we are.
Fingerstone Rock!
It is big, though,
the sea.
They weren't lying.
You'd need all day to drink
that lot.
Is it salty, though?
I'm gonna lick it.
The only sure way to test
anything is lick it.
Shulmay.
Where's our boat, Shulmay, to
take us to the lovely kings?
My Queen, here's the thing...
There's a boat!
It's them!
They're here!
What now? No.
-Ivarr!
- Dagan, wait.
Guthrum!
- I need to tell you something.
- The two warriors bold!
They've crossed the sea
themselves to pick me up!
- I'm saved!
- That's not quite it.
- Cooee! I'm here!
- Listen, Ivarr and Guthrum
are not here for you.
They're literally just there!
I haven't told you
everything.
Wait, where are they
going, the silly things? Huh.
The truth is, they did write to
Leofwine,
asking to meet by
Fingerstone Rock,
and pay gold for the secret
of the flame-powder...
...once Humble Joan had taken
the realm.
You mean they bet against me?
I had to think fast.
Get the queen to safety
and tell the truth later.
You lied to me,
all this time.
No ships, no armies.
But there is safety.
No one lives on Fingerstone.
So, we can live there,
and no one will know.
Everyone thinks you're dead.
We'll eat seagulls' eggs
and fish.
Fish pie.
That was kind of my plan
all along.
We live on a rock.
That rock?
That rock over there.
If we live on that rock,
will I still be an earl?
Yeah.
Earl in a palace,
or earl in a hovel?
I'm sorry, Bobik.
Look, I know it's a lot
to take in.
Urgh!
I did all this for your mother!
You're a shit, Dagan!
A selfish, horrible shit!
After all I've done for you,
all Bobik's done!
I killed for you!
- A bad person...
who had it coming!
Real affection would be...
would be killing someone
who didn't deserve it.
You sucked up my mother's
love...
for years!
That was my love,
and you robbed it!
And then you promised me
a kingdom,
and then you steal that too!
Some of us get by without
kingdoms.
Well, I need a kingdom!
I was going to be a better
queen this time!
Just a, a, a fucking
adorable queen!
The pain of it.
You don't know about pain!
You're a spoiled baby!
Do you know how hard it is
being your friend?
You are not my friend.
Eat my jellyfish!
It stings!
Nobody told me they sting!
I wish that man-wolf had
scoffed your fucking tits!
Right, I'm done.
-Good!
-Fine!
- Fine!
- Good!
Leave me then!
Everybody does!
Why don't you hand me in to
Humble Joan,
get a nice big fat reward?
Yeah, maybe I should.
Bobik?
Nah.
Tell me how I should feel
How can this love
run out of here?
When should I believe
the things you say?
You change your mind
from day to day
And I don't know if you can
take such a good thing
What's the snack
situation?
I hope it's good,
I'm so hungry.
- Very good.
- Ja.
Oh, God. Oh.
What a shit hole.
- Ja, it stinks.
- Yes.
We shall drive
a hard bargain.
Ja, what other bargain would we
wanna drive, man?
I mean, it's us, yeah?
We're hardcore, all the time.
I am.
You? I've heard otherwise.
You mock me.
I'll spill your sorry guts on
the sand right here.
- You wanna go?
- Right here.
- You wanna go?
- On the sand.
- You wanna get crazy?
- You want a piece of it?
You wanna get crazy?
I'm gonna fuck you up.
Ja, you want?
Come on, let's go, let's go,
let's go, let's go, let's go...
She thinks we may fight now.
She does not know that
we are good friends,
whose mannish banter
is unmatched.
Yeah, just a couple of kings
fucking around.
You're bigger than I thought
you'd be.
But you're still pretty small.
King Ivarr, King Guthrum,
welcome to the Commonwealth
of the People.
Well done on the rebellion.
If you'd tried it in our lands,
you'd be very dead now.
Yeah, very dead.
But you did it here, so, you
know, we're cool with that.
Come this way.
Thank you.
I don't trust her.
-No. Me neither.
She's so small.
Do you think Humble Joan's
around?
Well, Leofwine's not meeting
the kings, is she?
Yes, Humble Joan's here.
We'll give her what she wants,
and then she can't deny us
our silver.
We'll be wealthy?
You'll never have to shovel
again, and I'll serve no one.
I'm sick of looking after
the upper classes, Bobik.
I need to find my song.
Hey.
So, are we giving her Dagan?
Yes, we are.
Yeah.
So, this commonwealth malarky.
Does it have legs?
I mean, what if Dagan
gets back in, hmm?
Urgh.
These were found on
her mangled corpse.
-That smells bad.
-Ja, that's hers.
Your Majesties will need a
moment to mourn, I'm sure.
It's no great loss.
Pagan Europe will just have to
struggle on without her.
Let us talk the flame-powder.
- Ja.
- Let's.
We've heard you're flat broke.
I'm not.
I just raided Latvia.
Very raidable is your
Latvia.
Ja.
So, this flame-powder,
does it really work?
I'm thinking maybe we can
try out the flame-powder
on some peasants!
No. Approach, friends.
We don't kill commoners
for fun here.
Really?
What a bore.
- I like slaying peasants.
Ja, you have the mad skills.
How goes the day, travellers?
Humble Joan, we've come to tell
you something.
To tell you that Queen Dagan...
Queen Dagan...
- Have we met before?
Speak.
There's nothing to fear.
Queen Dagan...
Nothing to fear indeed.
For Humble Joan...
protects us all.
Her steady hand guiding
the great...
plough shed of this nation.
Indeed, here is a woman whose
words you may trust.
Bye-bye.
Catch up with our friends
and invite them to stay awhile.
You, search the dunes where
they came from.
Something's going on here.
Let's go.
Make haste.
I hoped you'd come back.
Up you get... Dagan.
Ow! Get off!
I am still your queen!
How ruddy dare you?!
You know, even if you offered
help to me now,
I would spurn it.
You don't happen to offer it,
do you?
Dagan's dead, you said.
Fortune has offered us a
subject for demonstration.
She is a queen,
dress her as such.
Our subject thinks much of her
dainty toes.
She is famous for her
lovely feet.
- Ja.
- We call this cord a fuse.
Simply light one end of it.
Bang.
That was a little bang.
We came for large bangs.
Large bangs.
Large bangs, large bangs,
large bangs.
You will have one.
For now, we put our powder
in a tube of iron.
You said she knew nothing
of pain.
I know I did.
I think she does now.
Her foot is quite badly
fucked up.
Yeah, it really is.
I'm going to work my way around
your body, Dagan.
But first, tell me.
Is that the pair you
travelled with?
I don't know who they are.
Well, whoever they are,
they're about to watch you
suffer very, very much.
Nice.
She could try to bargain with
our peasanty lives,
and yet she still doesn't give
us away.
Primed and ready.
Let's see what it will do
to the human...
knee.
Again, we light the fuse.
Hold.
We, the common people,
wish to avenge ourselves
on the tyrant.
Amuse us.
Give the peasant a go.
Nice and messy, please.
Chunks everywhere.
Dagan, let this show you where
we stand.
I think she meant to hurl it
into that chest.
Treachery!
Shulmay's a rotten throw,
but I'm not!
Close it!
Ha! The powder needs air
to burn.
Starved of air,
it cannot catch...
Bang, bang!
Ja!
That was a large bang!
Guards!
Argh!
Argh!
Oh, Dagan.
I've bested you once already,
now you're all starved
and leaking.
I fought for myself back then.
Now I fight for something else.
Argh!
- Ladies, fighting with swords.
- Ja.
Argh!
Let me tell you a secret, Dagan.
I've begun to enjoy it
at the top of the tree.
I can tell you that,
'cause you'd understand.
I was going to melt this down
for gold coin, but...
wouldn't it look fine on Joan's
most humble head?
'Take the crown, Joan!
You're the people's queen!'
'Oh, but I mustn't.'
'Oh, but we wish it!'
'Well, if I must.'
There's no sky.
It's just you...
No!
...the spade.
and the thing what must
be spaded.
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la...
Humble Joan,
for eternity your
memory will...
Oh, that was magnificent!
- Outstanding!
- Ja!
- High funf!
- High funf!
Queen Dagan, we wanted you to
win all along.
I really enjoyed that.
-Right.
-That was so good.
-Ja.
-Ja.
My blood is falling out.
My life ebbs away.
Dagan.
This land will need a ruler
when I'm gone.
I was a bastard.
Joan.
Leofwine.
Ivarr, Gunthrum.
We're all bastards.
Maybe countries need leaders
who aren't bastards.
Shulmay...
will you be queen?
I can't be queen.
Can I?
You were made for it.
Trust me.
Shulmay...
Do you promise to rule with
wisdom and kindness?
Yes.
Yes, I do.
Queen Shulmay.
I don't want to die on
the ground.
Help me up, my Queen.
Uh, Queen Shulmay.
Any chance you could give us
the recipe
for the bang-bang powder?
No.
Just asking.
Yeah, no need to be snippy.
Come on. Let's go.
Which way is the boat?
It was your job to
remember that.
Erm, it was close to
a very distinctive pebble.
Oh ja, by that big, sort
of, sandy-coloured section.
I see a snail.
Come, Big Liam.
I'm ready.
No.
Come.
Cease your approach,
Big Liam.
I've had an idea.
This will stop the bleeding.
Just a tiny pinch of
the powder.
Liam, I see you,
Big Liam. I'm ready.
That'll burn the wound shut.
Stand back.
Ouch!
Fucking hell!
The bleeding's stopped.
Saved your life.
Come.
Thank you...
Earl Bobik.
I'm an earl!
Hey, I'm an earl!
A ruddy earl!
Oof.
Where are you off to?
Why, off to the citadel.
We have a coronation to arrange!
I'm the Queen!
You're the fucking Queen!
I'm the Queen!
Shulmay, you found your song!
I'm the Queen!
The fucking Queen!
And the crown stayed on
the right head.
The head it was meant for
all along.
Hooray for Queen Shulmay,
the people's queen!
What about Bobik?
I moved to a palace.
And I found my beloved countess.
Here you are, dear.
And everybody lived
happily ever after.
The end.
Sorry for all the swearing.
Thank you!
Thank you so much!
Many thanks!
Don't forget the puppeteer.
Thank you.
-Thank you.
-Thanks.
Is it true what
the grown-ups say,
that you're the other queen in
the story?
What?
She was so mean and angry.
Nobody would want to
be her friend.
Do I look like her?
No, you don't.
So, it can't be me, can it?
Or at least it hasn't been for
a very long...
Oh, for goodness sake!
Seize them!
Shall I milk thy herd for you,
kind sir?
Hey, I'm in love.
My fingers keep on clicking
to the beat...
He locked her away in a tower.
And anyone who spoke of
her again
would be pressed through
a cattle grid.
Ebony and ivory and dancing
and in the street
Hey, it's 'cause of you
the world...
I've heard she's done this:
poos in your wells.
My heart is beating like
a jungle drum
Guda, dunga, dunga, dunga,
dung, dung, dung...
I'm gonna fuck you up!
Come on, let's go, let's go,
let's go, let's go, let's go.
...like a jungle drum
What, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee,
dee, dee, dee.
...the moment between
the striking and the fire
- A dragon, then.
-They're not real.
Fuck off.
...kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss
No one ever stopped
My hands are in the air,
yes, I'm in love
My heart is beating like
a jungle drum
Guda, dunga, dunga, dunga,
dung, dung, dung
My heart is beating like
a jungle drum
Guda, dunga, dunga, dunga,
dung, dung, dung
My heart is beating like
a jungle drum
Rung, dung, da-rung,
gung, gung...
My heart is beating like
a jungle drum
Rung, dung, da-rung,
gung, gung...
My heart is beating like
a jungle drum
Rung, dung, da-rung,
gung, gung...
My heart is beating like
a jungle drum
Rung, dung, da-rung, gung,
gung...
My heart is beating like
a jungle drum
My heart is beating like
a jungle drum
My heart is beating like
a jungle...
Rung, dung, da-rung,
gung, gung...
I'm alive, Dagan!
I'm still alive!