Self Reliance (2023) Movie Script

When your day
Seems dark as night
And nothing
Is going right
You want a love
That's strong and brave
And I'll be with you
Every step of the way
'Cause oh
If you're blue
And all alone
And all your so-called
Your so-called
Friends are gone
But I'll stick by you
Pretty baby
Night or day
Every step of the way
'Cause, oh
Don't worry
SINGER: Don't worry
'Cause I'll be there Fucking chickenshit.
SINGER: I'll be there
In a hurry All right, fuck it.
Lift your head up high
Fucking knock
on the fucking door.
And girl don't you cry
'Cause I love you
I love you
No, no need to cry
No need to sigh
Can't you see, girl
I offer you my life
This is you, right?
Yeah. That's me.
Are you the actor Andy Samberg?
I am.
- You are?
- SAMBERG: Yeah.
Are you kidding? [LAUGHING]
I'm a big fan, man.
Like, a big fan.
Oh, thank you very much.
Hey, I got a question for you.
Do you like limos?
Do I like limos? Sure. Yeah.
Who doesn't, right?
- TOM: Right.
- Yeah.
You wanna get in?
- Sure.
- Yeah? Come on.
Congrats. You've been selected.
Thanks. For what?
Um, I don't know.
So, um, you know what?
I'm not memorized, so I'm just
gonna read this off the card.
Are you talking to me or...?SAMBERG: Per the contract.
Huh? No, sorry, you're good.
- Don't worry. Yeah.
- Okay.
Uh, Thomas Walcott.
Single, no children,
no dependents.
Job is network management,
focusing on
statistical analysis.
Physically fit.
I guess they're not too strict
about that one.
I'm joking.
Kind of serious though.
All right.
I'll keep it going here.
I'm sorry. I'll keep it going.
I'ma keep it tight.
Uh, after your breakup... I'm sorry. moved back in
with your mother.
Yeah, I'm sorry, Andy Samberg.
How do you know all this?
Oh, the company that hired me,
I think they've been
tracking you for a while.
There's a company
that's been tracking me?
I guess what I would say is,
don't ask me
any specific questions
because they told me nothing.
I, I don't know any details
about what it is.
But I do need to ask you,
do you want to continue
on this adventure?
Fuck it. Yes.
- Really?
- Really, yeah. Definitely.
Why would you say yes?
'Cause this is the most
exciting thing that's
happened to me in ages.
[LAUGHING] And I don't
- want it to end.
- Okay.
I mean, if I say no,
then I have to go
back to my life.
And my life is in this, like,
routine. It's, like, I'm stuck.
So saying yes has to be
better than that, right?
I mean, no, not necessarily.
But, man, the way you just
phrased that. So sad.
Um... All right, let's go.
How long until we get to, uh,
the next part of the adventure?
[WHISPERING] You're not
supposed to talk.
How come?
I think they just
wanna use all of this.
Build up the tension.
Okay. You see that red door?
Walk through it.
There will be small red arrows
on the ground and walls.
Just follow those.
- You're not coming?
- No, no, I'm done.
Yeah, they just paid me to get
you here. So...
Well, it was really
awesome to meet you.
- Maybe we could get a beer.
- Good luck, man.
- Yeah. Thank you.
- Yeah.
Come sit.
You have been selected
to partake
in the biggest reality
show in the dark web.
There will be people
trying to kill you.
The hunters.
What are you talking about?
There's people trying
to murder me?
Very much so.
Each participant selected
will have 30 days to... survive.
If they survive 30 days,
they will receive
one million dollars, cash.
The hunters will be all
around the world, Mr. Walcott,
and, uh, might not
make it to your city.
So you will be safe
until they find you.
You might spend the next 30 days
and never encounter anyone,
but you still make
the million dollars.
We will be filming
you the entire time.
TOM: How?
Production assistants have
already bugged your residence
as well as places
we expect you to go.
They will travel as you do.
You will not see them.
They are highly skilled
at evasion.
So they're kind of like
production assistant ninjas?
No, they are not trained ninjas.
I didn't say trained ninjas,
I said like ninjas.
But if it helps you to say yes,
to think of them as ninjas,
we are fine with that.
Excuse me. I need to
stand up for a moment.
- Yeah, please.
- TOM: Thank you.
What are you thinking?
I mean, what can I do
to help you say yes?
Ah, nothing.
I don't think I can do this.
Oh, you can. You should.
Well, come sit down, yeah.
You can always say no.
So, just come sit
for a minute. Yeah?
It's very interesting, guys.
I just, I don't think that I can
do this. I can't risk
other people's lives.
I can't, I can't have my
roommate catching a bullet
'cause I'm playing
some silly game.
Your mother will be safe.
How do you--
How can you guarantee that?
You will only be killed
when you are alone.
What does that mean, I'll only
be killed when I'm alone?
If you are with someone else,
the hunters will have to wait.
There is no risk to anyone else.
But once alone,
you are no longer safe.
So that's a loophole.
Well, this is no loophole.
It's just a rule.
Well, it's kind of a loophole.
What if I was with, like,
my mom or my sisters
every second of every day?
You would need to spend
every moment
with them in close proximity.
It's not as easy as it sounds.
Yeah. If the person
you're with walks
to the other side of the room,
you are vulnerable for attack.
You must be within
striking distance from them
each and every second.
So let me get this straight.
It's 30 days, right?
And you guys are hunting me
for my life.
But you cannot touch me
if I'm with someone,
and the hunters might not
even ever make it to my city.
So there's a chance I spend
the entire 30 days
and no one even finds me.
And then I get
a million dollars.
That's the game?
- Yes.
- Are you interested?
Let's play.
I just wanna make sure
that I'm clear
on what you're saying.
What you called us all here on
a Saturday to say, which is
that Andy Samberg pulled up
to you driving a limo?
- No, I, I'm not saying that.
- AMY: Okay. What are you saying?
He had a chauffeur.
I'd hope so.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I botched that detail.
Oh, you're damn right
he'd have a driver.
The Sams ain't driving himself.
Don't call him The Sams.
He goes by Andy.
- What are you, his publicist?
- Yeah, you're his
best friend now?
TOM: No, but he, no,
I didn't call him The Sams.
- He didn't introduce himself.
- I call him The Sams.
You've never met him.
- AMY: Andy Samberg.
- Yeah.
Is like, "Hey Tommy,
get in, get in the backseat."
I'm just trying to get it right.
I didn't, okay,
this is getting turned around.
I'm done talking about
Andy fucking Samberg.
If the hunters find me,
you need to be with me
24/7 so I don't die.
Oh, hey, but, like, aren't there
other people playing
the pretend-y game who
could hang out with you?
I posted a cryptic
message on, uh, Craigslist.
I'm waiting to hear back,
but I can't depend on it.
So in the meantime, I need
to lean on the family.
Okay. Tommy, you are delusional.
I am not delusional.
What about when you told
everybody at school
that you were moving to Japan
to become a Samurai with Dad
after he left? How about that?
Great idea. Bringing up
when Dad left,
right in front of Mom.
MARY: Okay, what about
the time that you made us all
call you Michael Jackson
for a year?
Okay, you know what, guys?'Cause I liked his music.
No, you know what, guys?
- Stop. Stop.
- I was a fan.
There's a big difference
between liking--
What is the difference?
Stop, stop. Just a minute, okay?
Just hang on just a minute.
Honey, do you think that
all this, Andy Samberg,
Greenlandic ninjas,
the Internet killing show
is really, really more
about the fact
that Theresa broke up with you
and now she has a baby?
So you created this all
as a diversion
so that you wouldn't have
to feel the emotional pain
of that loss.
I mean, is that a possibility?
Well, first of all,
thanks for bringing up
my breakup in this moment.
It feels like a great time
for a mother to do that.
Um, and second, um,
if you're implying, lemme just
try to do the math on this,
that the producers of this game
implanted my ex-girlfriend,
who I haven't talked
to in nearly two years,
uh, with a baby.
She grew the baby
and had it in order to get me
to risk my life
for a million dollars?
Right, but if all that happened,
then possibly.
But to me that seems
a little wacky.
Are you okay?
- I'm done.
- Are you okay?
I'm done with this, Tommy.'Cause I'm worried about you.
- Tommy.
- What?
You're lonely,
so find a club, you know.
Yeah. That's not
what this is about.
- Do a hobby or something.
- Yeah, I understand.
- Just, this is sad.
- Yeah, thanks.
And this is all in your head.
Get over it.
Don't leave that ice cream,
cause I'll eat it all.
- Great.
- AMY: Bye, Mom.
I'll see you Thursday.
Is, is it Thursday?
I thought it was Friday.
- No, it's Thursday.
- MARY: Bye, Tommy!
the ninjas don't kill you.
Mom. You believe me, right?
Not even a little.
Tommy, what?
Someone found me.
MOM: Oh, good.
Well, now that they found you,
maybe you can move in
with them. [LAUGHS]
TOM: It was
a production assistant.
It was one of
the ninjas with a camera.
Oh, God. This crap, again?
Mom, I'm holding a tiny camera
in my hands right now.
A tiny- What are you holding
a tiny camera for?
It's either that or a piece
of rat shit. I'm not sure.
But- Or, like, a, a weird
little blueberry.
Either way, do you understand
what I'm saying, Mom?
Yeah, I know what you're saying.
You're holding a
tiny piece of rat shit
and you're... Hi.
And you're
pretending that it's a camera.
Put it down. Wash your hands.
It's full of diseases.
Okay, you're not
listening to what I'm saying.
I need to come
see you right now.
I need to come to the hospital.
I can't be alone.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- Mom, do you want me killed?
You know what, at this point,
I think that,
that I would prefer Sandy Amberg
to murder you on a computer show
than have you come down here
and get me fired.
His name is Andy Samberg.
I don't care what his name...
Call your sister.
Oh, God.
TOM: Dude,
I heard something, like, bang.
It spooked me, man. Like,
I know they're on to me now.
I left the back door closed.
I mean, I get it. Your mom's
at work. It's after midnight.
You can't just run over there.
Well, this-- Yeah,
either way, man.
I appreciate it. I didn't
know what I was gonna do.
I can't be alone.
Yeah, no, your sister
doesn't get home until two.
So you're more than welcome
to crash here with us
on the couch.
You'll be good.
Yeah, and then what time
do you wanna hop in there
and go to bed together?
At what point you wanna--
If we hang out here,
we'll watch--
I'm beat now. I'm ready for bed.
I'll keep watching
the movie with you,
but I don't, I don't care.
I mean, I'm zonked, bro.
You wanna sleep
in the bed with me?
Good, man.
'Cause for a second there,
I was a little confused
of what you were asking.
I have to for my safety.
I have to sleep in bed
with you so that I don't die.
These are the rules, my man.
Look, bro, I don't want
you to die. I want you to
be safe. You're my brother.
- I love you.
- I love you.
But we not sleeping
in the same bed.
- Yes, we are.
- No, we're not.
Yes, we are.
- No, we are not.
- Yes, we are.
- We are not.
- Yes, we are.
- No.
- Yes.
- Well, goodnight, man.
- Shut the fuck up.
Oh, shit. No, no, no, no.
Oh, no. Malcolm! Malcolm!
- MALCOLM: I'm in the bathroom.
- Ah, ah. Oh, God.
MALCOLM: What's going on?[GRUNTING]
I am in the bathroom
taking a shit. What's happening?
- What are you doing?
- What are you doing, man?
- Why'd you leave my side?
- I had to take a shit.
Why didn't you wake me
up and bring me with you?
Because I'm taking a shit.
I can't be alone.
MALCOLM: I'm not gonna wake
you up to bring you in here
to take a shit with me.
He's right here. He's taking
a dump. He's taking a dump.
Put the rifle down.
No, no, no.
Get up, get up, get up.
Do not pull me off-Turn around.
- Turn the fuck around.
- What are you doing?
TOM: He's right here.
What the? God.
Man, there's nobody out there.
They found me.
They found you, alright.
- Get out.
- Huh?
Get out!
What you are doing
is irresponsible.
You are not
thinking clearly, man.
Oh, yes, I am.
- TOM: No, you're not.
- And when Amy comes home,
I'll explain to her that you
kicked in our bathroom door...
I was being hunted....and pulled me off the toilet.
I can't be alone.
I've told you that.
- I can't be alone.
- I had to go to the bathroom.
- I'm sorry.
- What was I supposed to do?
Wake you up so I can have
another man watch me dump?
No, that's gross.
I know it's gross.
I didn't wanna do it.
I don't have a choice.
I can't be alone, man.
Hey, you see that guy?
Who, him?
- TOM: Yeah, him. Do you see him?
- MALCOLM: Yeah, I see him.
TOM: Just watch me
until I get to him.
Please do not leave until
I'm with that man, okay?
You sure?
Yes, I'm sure. You promise
you'll keep watching?
I promise I'll watch you.
I'm sorry I pulled you
off a toilet while you were
taking a dump.
It's all right.
I'll forgive you.
We family.
Excuse me, sir.
Hi. Uh, are, are you interested
in making some money?
- TOM: Yeah?
- Yeah, how much?
This is so weird. Very weird.
You have no idea, man.
You're saving my life.
- Now well, how could that be?
- Because I can't be alone,
'cause I'm playing
this dark web game.
And so the whole thing
about it is if I'm alone
even for a second,
I can be killed.
But if I'm with you, I'm safe.
So you'll just shadow
me and then I'm safe.
What the fuck is this?
I'm gonna need you to be
a little bit more specific.
You need me to be more specific?
How about the stranger who's
eating Mom's Raisin Bran.
Is that specific enough
for you, Tommy?
Amy, you don't have
to- don't be rude, honey.
- Mom.
- Don't.
You called me to come over here,
so please don't be soft now, okay?
Malcolm told me that you pulled
him off the toilet last night
when he was in the middle
of using the bathroom.
Well, I asked him to stand.
He wouldn't stand.
I'm sorry I revealed
his bare bottom.
That was not my intention.
And this is James,
my new friend.
Hi, James.
Hi, Tommy's family.
Oh, we are very happy
to have you.
Mm. I'm very happy to be here.
I slept great last night.
Me too, man.
James, would you mind just
stepping outside, please,
for a minute, so I can
talk to my son now.
Oh, I can't do that.
He pays me to shadow him.
It's my job.
Oh, wow. That is amazing.
- Shadow?
- Good work.
Thank you for taking my
unique situation seriously.
It genuinely means
the world to me.
'Cause I'm kind of
in a tough spot
and you're the only one
who's kind of helping.
So thank you.
But you can step outside.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
- Don't go far.
- I won't.
What in the actual fuck
is going on with you?
There was a cowboy
who had a rifle...
- A cowboy? A cowboy.
- TOM: ...on me last night.
And he was going
to shoot me and kill me.
I cannot be alone, you guys.
I thought you were
gonna be more supportive
or I never would've signed up
for this fucking game.
Oh, that's not fair.
- Supportive.
- I support this.
So, yes, I hired a person
without a home to shadow me.
Why?'Cause you're a weirdo.
Because I don't wanna die.
You cannot have this person
sleeping in Mom's house.
We don't know him.
It's not safe.
Then how about this.
Are you gonna shadow me?
- No.
- TOM: Are you gonna shadow me?
- No, I'm not gonna shadow.
- TOM: Are you gonna shadow me?
I don't wanna take away
James's job.
So what choice do I have here?
Okay, well, Mom...
Mom, kick him out.
He's an adult. He has money.
He's got a job.
- Mom, we had a deal.
- Kick him out.
You said, as long as I had
a job, I could stay with you.
I have a job.
- Mom.
- Mom.
- No. Mom.
- Mom.
Yeah, I did.
No, I did say that.
I remember saying that.
But that, now, now this,
this whole thing
about picking people up
off of the toilet bowls.
Honey, that's, I mean, come on.
That, I mean, no more of that.
Okay? All right,
that's fair I think.
As long as I got him,
I don't have to pull anybody
off a toilet bowl, right?
[LAUGHS] That's why I have him.
But that's over. That's a deal.
Yeah, very tough, Mom.
Well done.
This is gonna end badly.
I guarantee it.
Where's your best friend?
I don't know.
I tried calling him,
hopefully he's on his way.
Long and short of it
is I gotta crash with you
- a couple of days.
- Well, you can't.
Yes, I can.
- No, you can't.
- I actually have to.
- Mom kicked me out.
- Wow, 'cause you got fired?
Yes, I had to deal with...
Holy shit.
Oh my God.
Is that the Craigslist post?
It's also happening
to me. Shall we chat?
- This is exactly what I want.
- Honestly, get your hands off.
Can you just forward it to me?
- Stay here. Don't go away.
- Just forward it to me.
Sorry, it's really loud.
Gimme one sec.
This is the guy from Craigslist.
Oh, hi. Yeah.
I saw your ad.
I'm a participant.
How do I know you're real?
How do I know you're real?
Yeah, but this could be a setup.
You could be hunting me.
- MADDY: You could be hunting me.
- TOM: Okay, so let's meet.
You wanna meet in public
somewhere so it's safe?
How's that? MADDY: Okay, sure. When?
Uh, now.
MADDY: No, it's the middle
of the night.
I could do tomorrow.
Okay, you know
where La Cita is downtown?
No, but I can figure it out.
Great, let's meet there
tomorrow at 10:00 AM.
Can you do that?
MADDY: Okay.
How are you gonna recognize me?
You got anything yellow?
Like, a yellow hat?
I've got a banana sweatshirt.
What's a banana sweatshirt?
It's a sweatshirt
with a giant banana on it.
Wear the banana sweatshirt.
Okay, are you gonna
be wearing yellow?
No, it would be ridiculous
if we were both wearing
yellow clothes, right?
That's a good point.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Yeah, great. This is good.
Oh shit!
Oh, God. Oh.
- I'm not, I'm not alone.
- You're alone.
I'm not! James is coming.
He's on his way right now.
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Help! Fucking help! Help! Help!
SOS! Hey, did you
not hear me, man?
- No, what happened?
- What the fuck
you doing standing here?
I'm here.
I was just choked by a giant.
He was trying to kill me.
He, he was wearing a, a red
leather jacket with the...
He was wearing a fucking
Michael Jackson jacket.
He was wearing the fucking
"Thriller" jacket.
You got choked by a giant
dressed like Michael Jackson.
He had the zippers.
He had the Michael Jackson
"Thriller" video zippers.
Sorry, that's the jacket from...
That's not
the "Thriller" jacket.
- What?
- The "Thriller" jacket?
The one, the-
Was it a zippers jacket, right?
Yeah. That from "Beat It."
The "Thriller" jacket,
they're similar jackets.
- JAMES: Tommy!
- I'm sorry.
Tommy. I'm here. I'm sorry, man.
- Oh, man.
- JAMES: I'm sorry, man.
- Where the fuck were you, man?
- I was waiting for your call.
I fucking called you ten times.
My phone never rang.
Maybe it's dead.
Okay, let's just go, man.
Tell my sister I was
almost murdered. Okay?
I'm gonna give her
a full report.
Thanks but hang on.
We gotta get that thing
a charger, and we're...
It's pretty fucking annoying,
but also really cool
how much you know about
Michael Jackson, man.
I loved his music
when I was a kid.
Thanks. Me too.
All right. Is your phone
100 percent charged?
- JAMES: Yes, sir. It is.
- Okay, let's do this.
- TOM: I think that's her.
- JAMES: She doesn't look
that scary to me.
Well, you never know.
Stay with me, okay?
Okay, I got your back.
Don't worry about it.
Hi, are you, uh, are you
the lady from, uh, Craigslist?
- Yeah.
- TOM: You are?
Why aren't you wearing
the, uh, banana sweatshirt
- like you said?
- Oh, I got self-conscious.
About what?
It's a sweatshirt
with a giant banana on it.
But this is yellow,
so I wore this.
Do you guys wanna sit?
- Yeah. Let's sit down.
- Yeah, please.
- Great.
- Uh...
Would you mind sitting there,
- James?
- I don't mind.
- TOM: Oh, thanks for meeting.
- Yeah, sure.
It's nice to meet you. I'm Tom.
- Maddy.
- TOM: Maddy?
- Yeah.
- TOM: Yeah.
- How many days you got left?
- Fifteen.
- You?
- Sixteen.
I got a question for ya.
If you're playing the game,
then how the fuck
are you alone right now?
I'm not alone.
Well, we don't count.
We just got here. You were
alone before we got here.
- Yeah, my Mom's right over there.
- Okay, well, that's my Dad
right there.
- Mom?
- Yeah, oh, yeah?
- Hi.
- Hi.
- MADDY: Just checking in.
- MADDY'S MOM: Oh, sure. Hi.
- Anything else I need to prove?
- TOM: Let's cut the shit.
You're not with them, right?
You're not gonna murder me?
- Are you actually asking me that?
- I really am. Yes.
Well, if I was gonna murder you,
I wouldn't tell you.
I'd just murder you.
Right, but I don't think
you're gonna. But just say it
so I can hear it.
You're not gonna--No, I'm not gonna murder you.
Are you gonna murder me?
No, I wanna be
on the same team as you.
So that's settled.
This feels good, right?
- Mm-hmm.
- Right?
- Mm-hmm.
- You think what I'm thinking?
Mm-hmm.[LAUGHS] I hope so.
You know what I think
we should do?
I think we should partner up.
What does that mean, partner up?
I mean, spend
all of our time together.
They can't kill us if we're
together, right? The loophole.
You wanna spend
all our time together
after knowing me
for five minutes?
Come on, let's just do this.
Let's team up.
Let's fucking win together.
I, I don't know if I'm ready to
say okay to the full 15 days.
I couldn't understand
a word you said, buddy.
I said, "Go for what
you can get."
Would you be willing to
commit for the rest of today?
Wow, look at this.
- Beautiful house.
- Wow.
- MADDY: Thanks.
- Yeah.
Is it just you and, uh,
your parents here then?
Uh, well, it's just me
and my Mom. My dad died.
- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
- No, it was a long time ago.
- He was in a car accident.
- Oof.
It was a drunk driver.
He was a drunk driver.
He was a veteran though.
So his funeral
was really beautiful.
He was kind of this, like,
beloved figure in the community.
I don't know why
I'm saying all that.
It's a lot of info.
You guys wanna see
something weird?
- Uh, yeah, sure.
- Sure, yeah.
Oh, wow. [CHUCKLING]
What is this?
Yeah, it started as a hobby.
I've always liked
making just, like,
weird little sculptures,
ceramics, that kind of thing.
But Etsy's a wild place.
You know?
The custom, like, dog things
for people's pets and stuff?
It kind of sells like hot cakes.
Did you hear that?
- It's an old house, so.
- Right.
Has that door
always been like that?
I don't know, I don't mark it.
Do you mind if I check it out?
- Do you mind coming with?
- MADDY: Yeah, of course.
- Do you wanna hold hands?
- Yeah, sure.
- Nothing, right?
- Yep.
Just, um, Christmas decorations
and a couple embarrassing
old journals,
I'm guessing.
That kind of thing.
And a camera.
- MADDY: No.
- Yeah.
- The ninjas have been here.
- Holy shit.
Little fucking snakes.
Well, I've never been married,
but I never wanted to.
I just like my freedom. [LAUGHS]
Well, I've had a lot
of love affairs,
but then, um, who hasn't?
I'm sorry, ma'am.
What was your question?
I didn't ask one.
- Oh.
- I was married once, James.
I regret it.
Should have stayed single.
- My ex was a pain in the ass.
- Oh, boy. I'll say so.
I was never married,
but I did date a woman
for a long time. For 23 years.
- Did you say 23?
- Yeah.
- Of dating?
- Yes.
We felt married. We just never
did the paperwork. But...
Well, what happened?
Why did it end?
Uh... He doesn't know.
Oh, thank you, James.
We got together when we
were young. We were, like, 15.
I thought we were gonna
be together forever.
And then, um, I don't know,
I guess we grew apart.
One day I came home and
she said that was it.
And so, uh, so I left.
And then what?
He hasn't talked to the girl
since she dumped him.
- What?
- Shut up, James, please.
I've gone to her house
a lot to ask her.
I just, I don't even know
what I would say.
So you just broke-
You just don't know why
- she broke up with you?
- TOM: I don't.
- Don't you wanna know?
- I would love to know.
- MADDY: Is it killing you?
- It's killing me.
Well, this is what
we're doing today.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I can't do that today.
Oh, no. We need to find out.
If we're gonna be partners,
I need to know
- what I'm dealing with.
- I don't think you need to know.
Do you wanna be
my partner or not?
Uh, this is delicious.
So what do you call it?
- Hi, Tommy.
- Hey, Theresa. How are ya?
Seen you out here a few times.
How's, uh, how's your baby?
She is good. Her name
is Heather. She's almost one.
Are you just here
to ask about the baby?
I actually wanted
to ask you, um...
how you felt about the, uh,
Ellen DeGeneres cancellation.
[LAUGHING] I know what a big
fan you were of her show.
Yes, I was very disappointed,
as you can imagine.
I've been dying to ask you.
I mean, all the red flags
were there.
I should have known, but...
Really fucked
with my afternoon schedules.
What do you want?
A friend encouraged me
to come here and ask you
why you broke up with me.
You know why I broke up
- with you.
- I don't. Just tell me.
- Yes, you do.
- No, I don't.
We talked about it
so many times. You know.
We never talked.
I don't know why.
I don't. If I knew,
I wouldn't be here, okay?
And look, I- obviously,
we had our, our problems,
but I mean, fuck,
we were together forever.
We... [SIGHS]
We were supposed
to make it work.
- THERESA: Yeah.
- That was our fucking deal.
Yeah, I thought so too.
But your version of being
together is just existing
and I needed more from life.
Right. I don't know
what that means.
For years, we just did
the same things all the time.
We just went to
the same restaurants,
and ate the same foods,
and sat in the same chairs,
just to, like,
not feel anything.
But at a certain point,
I wanted to feel things,
good and bad.
And I wanted you there with me.
And I really tried.
And you didn't wanna do that.
You never wanted to do that.
You just wanted to fucking hide.
You were just, like, stuck
and you refused to move.
It's like you're
so afraid of feeling
that you're already dead.
I had a lot of shit
to deal with,
and I've been working on it,
and I have fought
to get better...
but I don't think you wanted
to do that fight,
so I had to leave.
Well, what would you do
if I told you, uh,
I got better too?
What would you say then?
Yeah, well, then I would have
to ask you who that man is.
This is an awkward time
to explain.
Give it a shot.
This is James.
He follows me for a dark web
game where I'm being hunted
for my life
and he keeps me safe.
[SIGHS] Right.
Tommy, you have to deal
with your emotions.
Okay? You deserve
better than this.
You know what?
Thank you.
Thank you. I actually
owe you one.
'Cause he's awesome
and now he's mine.
- Cool. Who is she?
- MADDY: I'm his partner.
And we're gonna go live
the fuck out of every day
'cause we could die
at any moment.
And congratulations
on your baby.
You look, I mean,
honestly, you look stunning.
I'm so sorry. This isn't
about- this isn't about me.
I'm so sorry.
I'm really, I'm gonna go.
Take care, Tommy.
Yeah, you too.
Bye, James.
- Good try, buddy.
- Thanks, pal.
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
I thought that was
gonna be, like, funny,
or I don't know what I thought.
That was awful.
That was so awful.
It's okay. It's okay.
It needed to happen.
- Really?
- Yes. I'm glad.
Okay. Partners? I'm so sorry.
- Yes. [LAUGHS] Partners.
- Partners?
Okay, can we do something
fun, please?
Yes, please.
Like, what's the most
fun thing you can think of?
I am so glad we're playing
this game together.
- I love dancing.
- It is so fun.
- MADDY: I'm so bad at it.
- You're so good at it.
I'm better than you
but I'm really bad.
All right, here you go.
I'm good. Thanks, bud.
Um, I need
to tell you something.
- Okay.
- Uh...
My, uh, Dad didn't die.
I lied about that.
He and my mom split up
when I was 10.
It wasn't dramatic.
Um, no fights or anything.
They just kind of drifted apart
and neither of them
fought for the marriage.
So now, um, my nightmare is
to be in that relationship,
and I, uh, kind of end
up in these situations
with overly dramatic people.
Um, but then I get, like,
overwhelmed by their shit
and I leave.
Well, thanks for the honesty.
When I was 10, my dad
vanished from the family.
We were just hanging out
and everything was fine,
and he and I stayed up
really late together.
And we were playing
video games and laughing.
And it was one of the most fun
nights I'd ever had with him.
And then when I woke up,
he was gone.
And we all looked for him
and we called the police.
There was, like,
no trace of him.
This has been
an interesting day.[TOM LAUGHS]
- Right?
- Yeah.
It's been a fascinating,
uh, first day,
of our partnership
in this game together.
Do you wanna get outta here?
Sure. Um, where to?
I'm sorry I didn't want James
staying here,
but I think he was content
with the hotel room I got him.
Oh, he was really fired up
about that hotel room tonight.
- He's excited for the time off.
- Yeah, and, and again,
thank you for agreeing
to sleep like this.
You know,
I'm sorry I'm old school.
So I just thought it would be...
MADDY: Mom, stop....better if...
- Stop, stop, Mom.
- Okay, okay.
So, again, you're welcome
to use the guest room
if you want and have your
own bed. But it's up to you.
That's really sweet of you.
But I obviously can't be
away from your daughter
or I'm gonna--
Oh, oh, right. Or you'll
get murdered. I forgot.
Oh, you know what?
I can't talk to you about this.
This is too weird.
You know, you're an adult
so I assume you know
what you're doing, so goodnight.
And I hope no one murders
either of you.
- I'm sorry about my Mom.
- No, she's great. [LAUGHING]
This is great.
- Thank God this is here.
- Yeah, for sure.
Otherwise it would be weird.
Yeah, it would be weird
without it. For sure.
All right.
Good day.
- Glad we met.
- Mm-hmm.
Wake up.
My God.
- Are you a ninja?
- Production assistant, yeah.
Why are you letting me see you?
Well, you're all of
our favorite character.
We think you play
with a lot of heart.
You are not as safe
as you think you are.
We wanted to warn you.
Why do you keep saying "we"
when you're all by yourself?
Hi, guys.
You need to go.
You are not safe here.
Yes, I am. I'm with Maddy.
Be careful. They're close.
Closer than you think.
What the fuck?
Holy-Oh my God.
- Where were you?
- I was getting water.
We need to go to a motel
right now, Maddy.
- Is this about my Mom?
- What?
Is this about, like,
the sleeping situation?
No, it's not about
your Mom, it's about...
There was a bunch of
contortionist ninjas in here.
They came out of there and he,
there was, like, six of them
in here and they told me
that it wasn't safe
and I was in danger and we
needed to go someplace safer.
We can just move the pillows.
It's not about the pillows.[GIGGLES] Okay.
SINGER: I had a dream
She took my hand
Led me to a wonderland
How's this?
- TOM: Yeah, it's better, right?
- MADDY: Oh, great.
Get up.
No, I'm tired.
I wanna go to sleep.
Please come out here
- just for a second.
- MADDY: What?
'Cause I can't.
I can't go out there alone.
- MADDY: No.
- Please.
Thank you.
- It's very nice.
- TOM: It's really--
- It's very pretty.
- TOM: It's pretty.
Do you mind telling me why
you agreed to play the game?
Why are you asking me this now?
I'm just so curious.
I was very bored.
Like, dangerously bored.
I felt like I needed to do
something extreme
to shake things up.
Why did you agree to do it?
I guess I did it, uh,
'cause I was lonely.
I felt so alone and,
uh, stuck in my routine.
I didn't know how
to get out of it.
And as soon as that fucking
guy mentioned the loophole,
a light bulb went off.
And I thought, "Well, that's
what I've been craving."
I want to be around people more,
so I'll do that.
And it's worked. [LAUGHS]
Yeah. I think we sort of
did it for the same reason.
I bet everybody
who's played this game
has done it for the same reason.
- Maybe.
- Maybe.
- Let's go to bed.
- Yeah, let's go to bed.
Oh no. No. We're together.
Hey, hey. Hey, man,
we're together.
You can't do this, man.
Those aren't the rules.
Sorry, maintenance.
I thought the room was empty.
Oh, fucking bullshit with you.
If you're maintenance
then why are you dressed
like a Mario brother?
What do you mean Mario brother?
You know what I mean.
Fucking look at you.
MADDY: Hey... No, I don't know what you mean.
I'm also the manager of
this motel. This is our uniform.
Well, what are you,
are you maintenance
or are you the fucking manager?
Can't I be both?
The, the uniform's
kind of ridiculous, so.
Alright. I need
to improve the uniform.
I'm sorry for interrupting
your sleep.
Just stay out
of our fucking room, Mario.
You hear me?
We're together now.
if I'm Mario...
who does that make you, huh?
Huh? King Koopa?
What is King Koopa?
What? You don't know
the characters?
MADDY: It's the bad guy
from Mario Brothers.
- It's a really good reference.
- I'm not the bad guy.
You're the bad guy.
I'm the guy trying to survive.
So in your scenario
that make you Mario.
Yeah, he's Mario.
And that doesn't mean
I'm Princess Peach, by the way.
I'm fucking Luigi.
You wanna be Luigi?
His twin brother?
- Not the princess?
- MADDY: Well, I...
I mean, I guess I wasn't
thinking about the fact that
it's like a bro--
I guess Mario Brothers.
They are brothers.
MANAGER: Yeah. I was just... I want it to be clear
that it's, like, a partnership
and I feel like--
Just stay out
of our fucking room.
How about that, man?
'Cause we're together.
Oh! Oh my gosh.
- TOM: Fucking Christ.
- Oh my God. [LAUGHS]
- That was incredible.
- Yeah.
Can you imagine if I
hadn't answered your ad?
I'd just be asleep in bed,
and instead I'm
yelling at some guy
at three in the morning,
calling him like
a Mario Brother.
Okay, we gotta go.
- What are you doing?
- We have to go obviously.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- Yes, we do.
It's just not safe here.
We have to go.
Hey. No, no, no.
- It's safe.
- It's not safe.
Tommy. You're not serious.
Where would we even go?
No, no, no, no, no, we're not...
- We're not doing that.
- We have to do it.
Tommy, we just-- We're fine.
- Okay, you know what?
- I don't understand
what's happening.
Here's what's happening.
Did you see how close he was?
- Yes.
- Did you see how
aggressive he was?
- Yes.
- I mean, he walked into our--
And we're fine
'cause we're together.
Right. But we have to be,
like, so perfect.
It can't be as sloppy as it was
back at your house, right?
- MADDY: Okay.
- It's gotta be 100 percent on.
- MADDY: Okay.
- Or we're dead.
Look, I really, really
like hanging with you.
I feel like I have been
waiting for you.
And now that I got you,
- I don't wanna die.
- MADDY: Okay.
[SIGHS] I'm not going anywhere.
- Okay, I'm not going anywhere.
- Good, then...
So then we have to
spend the next...
Great....two weeks or so... fucking this.
I'm not worried about it,
- are you?
- No, no.
All right, well, I promise
I'm not going anywhere.
I'm with you.
- You're not getting rid of me.
- Okay, good. Then we're--
- We're together.
- Yeah.
SINGER: My love
Will you promise
To be mine
And I'll be yours
When the roses grow
I'll be there to smile
And to kiss you
Love me more
Only heaven knows
What's in store for us
In this simple act
We call it love
You bet you can't deny
When your heart is bruised
And yet you become his love
Holy shit.
There's another participant.
Look. Look.
I am also playing.
I have info that you will want.
We don't wanna do that, right?
I mean, we have to see.
You wanna involve
somebody else? Now?
I feel like we've got
a pretty good thing going here.
- I would rather not fuck it up.
- Right.
I'm feeling really good.
Like, kind of better than
I've felt in a while.
Sorry, are you listening?
Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry. I am.
There's another person playing.
Hey, you're not listening.
It sucks.
They could be playing the game
and they could be alone
and in danger and we could help.
Do you remember how we were
before we met each other?
How fucking scary that was?
How lonely we were?
Well, they could be
like this right now
and we could help them.
Or they could help us.
They could have information
that changes our game.
We don't know. We have to try.
And what is there?
What, what's the risk?
Nothing. We have
each other. Right?
But this could be huge for us.
This could help
our game so much.
Sit down.
- How many days you got left?
- I'm 11. She's, uh, 10.
What's so funny?
I don't wanna burst your bubble,
man, but the game is a joke.
They're laughing at us.
Oh, that's good to know.
Right? It's a good
thing we met you.
Yeah, that's probably everything
we need though. We should--
You don't wanna know
how the game works?
TOM: I do want
to know how the game works.
Well, we're still playing.
So I don't--Of course, yeah. Please tell us.
They pick a certain type
of contestant.
You wanna know what the type is?
- Analytical.
- Kinda cute.
Hell no.
They pick people really going
through shit. Like, struggling.
Those are the ones
they take advantage of.
The kind of people when other
people start to doubt them,
they doubt themselves too.
Tom, I think we should go.
You guys ready
for the other surprise?
- Yeah.
- Not really.
The show is a comedy.
How's it a comedy?
They're trying
to fucking kill us.
That's it right there.
The people trying to kill you
are dressed up
just to get some laughs.
Like me, I'm getting hunted
by a sumo wrestler
and a guy dressed like Sinbad.
A sumo wrestler?
And Sinbad, like, the comedian?
Yeah. And they're
dangerous as fuck too.
So the show's, like, um,
like, "Let's Make a Deal."
Is that the one
with Wayne Brady?
Yeah, it's actually-
It's a surprisingly good show.
- He's a great host.
- No surprises there at all.
That motherfucker is all talent.
I've never seen the show.
- It's fun.
- CHARLIE: It's a good show.
- Okay, I'll check it out.
Do you even know the
title of the show you're on?
No, they never told me.
- Did they tell you?
- No.
DOG. D, period, O, period, G.
Delusions of Grandeur.
You're stuck in a spider
web and don't even know it.
Charlie. Enough's enough.
It's time to go.
Bring your ass on. Now.
[MUMBLING] Gonna sit in the car.
That's my Dad.
He's on one. I gotta go.
I don't even know, uh...
- what to say.
- Yeah, um, I need to go home.
- TOM: Yeah?
- Yeah.
Great, yeah. That's smart.
Just to get closer to the people
and places we're familiar with.
No um, I'm gonna, I think
I'm gonna go home alone.
What does that mean, alone?
Without me?
Yeah, I just need,
need the night at least
to kind of breathe.
Does that make sense?
Uh, emotionally, yeah.
In terms of the game,
no, not at all.
Um, okay. How about this?
I can just drive you
wherever you want to go.
And maybe tomorrow
we can check in and,
and see where we're at kind of.
Or, or, or, sorry.
Or we could go back to the
motel and I'll just give you,
- I'll just give you more space.
- MADDY: Right.
The motel where we sleep
in the same bed
and we can't be more
than three feet apart.
TOM: Well, we can--I can take, I can take
you wherever you want.
And I'll, I'll wait until
somebody's with you.
I think this is a really bad
idea and they could kill us.
[SIGHS] Yeah, um...
I'm okay with you thinking that.
Maddy. Maddy, please.
Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.
Fuck you. Fuck you.
Fuck you. Fuck you.
What is happening?
I don't know where
the cameras are,
but I know they're here.
I know you guys have been here.
You're sneaky as fuck.
And I know that the ninjas
have been here.
I know the real name.
Delusions of Grandeur.
Fuck off. I got it.
Very clever. And guess what?
I don't care. And guess what?
You tried to get my
family not to believe me.
Well, I got James.
And guess what?
He's become a friend.
Maybe even a friend for life.
- This is your brother.
- Yeah.
TOM: And if I find out
Madeline gets hurt,
I'm gonna fucking
kill Andy Samberg.
Maddy dies, Samberg dies.
I'll turn that motherfucker
into a pinata.
You understand what I'm saying?
I'll put his head
on a fucking stick.
He'll be a little pinata boy.
Ya fucked with the wrong guy.
I'll kill Andy Samberg.
You gotta go. There's a limo
outside waiting for you.
I don't want to go
- to a limo right now.
- You don't have a choice.
Is this about... [SIGHS] saying I would
murder Andy Samberg?
I don't know.'Cause I, I would never do that.
I was just saying it
'cause I was mad.
- I don't know. You gotta go.
- Am I in trouble?
I don't know.
Let's go.
Hi, Tommy.
Hi, Dad.
How's your mother?
She's good, yeah. Mom's doing-Mary? Amy?
Good. Everybody's doing really
good in the last 30 years.
How are you?
Oh, real good. [LAUGHS]
Living in Cleveland, sober.
I'm sorry, uh, what, uh...
- What are you doing here?
- Right. [CHUCKLES]
And I don't mean
to be rude, Dad.
I'm just trying to do the math
on what the fuck's happening.
expect to see you.
Well, yeah. [CHUCKLING]
I'm here to tell you...
that Madeline is unharmed.
What are you talking about?
A few hours ago, a guy named
Wayne Brady knocked on my door.
Next thing I know... [CHUCKLES]
...I'm on a, a private jet.
Now I'm sitting here with you.
All right, Dad, well,
this was interesting but, um...
When I, I left,
when you and me stayed up--Hey.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey. No.
No. No.
Don't do this right now.
I can't do the big fucking
Dad talk right now.
What the fuck is going on now?
We're doing a Dad talk?
If I try to do a Dad talk, my
fucking head is gonna explode.
I understand.
I mean, don't get me wrong.
I have wanted to have
this moment with you
since the night
you fucking left.
I've dreamt of this fucking
moment, man. But not now.
'Cause all I'm thinking about
now is Madeline's safety.
I like her so much.
I hope no one hurts her, son.
Or you.
And that you get to spend
your lives together.
Don't be like me.
Don't fuck up a good thing.
[SIGHING] Hey, Dad.
Is this real-life right now?
Is this really happening?
I think so.
I love you, Dad.
Oh, man.
- All right.
- Okay.
- TOM: Been calling her for days.
- JAMES: Maybe she wants
some space.
Hey, I've been trying you
for days. Are you okay?
- I'm fine. I'm fine.
- TOM: You're safe?
Hundred percent?
TOM: Oh my God.
- Come here, please.
- Tommy. I was lying.
TOM: I know, we've been
over that. I don't care.
No. Tommy, about the game.
Um. I'm not playing a game.
- What are you talking about?
- I saw your ad and I...
...was really bored
and lonely, and um...
I thought it was a joke.
I thought this was like...
...roleplaying dating
or something...
What are you talking about?
What is this?
This is the truth. I...
I'm so sorry. I didn't know.
- Who got to you?
- Nobody.
Who told you to say this?
Tommy, nobody.
Yeah. Was it fucking
Wayne Brady?
Did Wayne Brady come here
and tell you to say that?
That son of a fucking bitch.
I can assure you Wayne Brady
was not here.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
- They got my Mom.
- MADDY: Who got your Mom?
Fucking hunters, Maddy.
Please, please keep up with me.
James, go as fast as you can!
Shit. Shit. Shit.
- Ah, God.
Whoo. Hi.
I, I'm Ellen DeGeneres.
Sorry, but you don't really look
like Ellen DeGeneres to me.
You're probably
a little nervous,
'cause you're a big fan.
You've come to my taping before.
Yeah? You, you and, uh,
your ex-girlfriend, didn't you?
Yeah, we went.
How do you know that?
Well, get in the car, Tom.
We can talk about it in private.
But it's not a limousine.
Well, I, I like a Lincoln.
Why the fuck
would you like a Lincoln?
Come on, don't be a car snob.
Just, just get in the car.
- I'm not a car snob.
- IMPERSONATOR: Tommy, please.
TOM: Why would you like
a Lincoln over a limo?
Get in the fucking car.
Hey, it's Ellen DeGeneres
from TV.
She's giving away guest blocks.
Tommy! What the hell
happened to you, man?
I got hit in the face.
Oh, well, that's what
happens when you go too fast.
- Here, gimme your hand.
- You gotta keep up with me, man.
MAN: Did you say
Ellen DeGeneres was here?
No, that wasn't Ellen DeGeneres.
It was a murderer, you asshole!
- How's it look?
- Awful. Wipe your mouth.
Did you just call me an asshole?
Almost there.
Yeah, yeah, you said
that about ten minutes ago.
Okay, come on, come on.
Please, please, please.
Hurry up.
What is this?
What does it look like?
It's an intervention.
- For me?
- No, for Mom.
We're all just facing
the wrong direction.
What the hell happened
to your tooth?
Oh, I got hit in the face
by an Ellen DeGeneres
- Did it hurt?
- It was a pretty clean hit.
Yes, it hurt,
but it's kind of fine now.
Hi, Tom. I'm Lindsay.
I'm an interventionist
and I'd like to welcome you
to have a seat
with us for a while.
Hi, Lindsay. An inter...
What do you think?
I'm a drug addict?
- Do you think I'm on drugs?
- No, it's about
your mental health.
MARY: Or, I mean--
We're not really
sure what it is.
Or maybe it's about attention
or, like, Theresa dumped you.
Okay, well, then how
about fucking this?
I saw Theresa and we're good.
We talked.
Oh, yeah?
Okay, well, maybe it's about
Dad never being around.
I saw Dad.
He says hi to everybody.
Yeah, he lives in Cleveland.
He claims to be sober,
and he was pretty apologetic
about how he left.
You saw Dad?
Yeah, we were
in a limousine together.
Uh, Wayne Brady, um,
I guess found him
and put him on a private jet.
Wayne Brady's friends with Dad?
I'm not sure if Wayne
Brady's friends with him,
but yeah, that's what Dad said.
There are a lot of people in
this room who really love you.
So why don't you just
sit for a while.
- AMY: Hey, hey. Tommy?
- What?
Just sit down.
No offense, but this woman
is ridiculously expensive,
so please, thank you.
Okay, we hired someone.
We hired someone to search
for your dark web show.
They found nothing, honey.
No thanks, buddy.
Well, maybe the person that
you hired is part of the game.
Have you brainiacs
ever thought of that?
- Maybe it's a setup.
- MOM: Oh, Tommy.
Tommy, we've been down
this road so many times.
And it's not the first time
that you thought the world
was against you.
It just happens
to be the latest.
Honey, please accept it.
There's a ninja
out the window right now.
But don't look,
they'll just run away.
It'll make me look worse.
There's no ninja.
What's that ninja doing?
Something really cool?
Like, some back flips,
some kicks,
or are they just chilling?
Just chilling.
That's disappointing.
- MARY: Flips would've been cool.
- Okay, stop it. It's not funny.
Used to be funny.
- Uh, excuse me, uh, Lindsay.
This is a lot to take in, um,
and, um, I'm just wondering
before I make my decision
and we get to the letters,
if I can just take a minute.
Um, just to process and then I'm
happy to get in. Is that okay?
- Sure.
- TOM: Thank you.
Would you stop fucking snacking
and come with me, man?
That's all you ever say to me.
Stop snacking is all
I say to you? [LAUGHS]
- Yeah.
- That's not it.
- JAMES: Oh, it isn't?
- TOM: No.
Well, that went really bad.
I can't believe one tooth
can change a face so much.
- Right?
- Oh! There, he's running.
- AMY: No, Tommy.
- TOM: Go, go, go, go, go.
AMY: Oh, goddamn it.
I'm calling the police.
Man, I gotta admit, this
has been a lot of fun.
I agree, man.
It's been great having
you part of it, James.
It really has.
Also, you should know
my name's not James.
It's Walter.[LAUGHS]
- Is that true?
- Yes, that's true.
So why the fuck did you
tell me your name was James?
I didn't tell you my
name was James.
You just started
calling me James.
- I just made up James?
- Yes, you did.
But don't worry about it, man.
Um--All right.
- We're friends now.
- Okay.
- Sorry I did that.
- So you should know my real name.
Yeah, I agree, man. [LAUGHING]
Sometimes my brain
does shit, man.
Well, Walter, when I win this
fucking game, which I will...
I'd like to buy you
a place, man.
- For reals?
- Hundred percent.
You deserve it, man.
- No, no.
- You're a great fucking guy.
- No, no, man.
- And I don't...
I don't want you
- living like this.
- It's too much.
We're friends, right?
- Yeah.
- So I got you.
Listen to me.
Keep your head in the game, kid.
Remember what you're doing.
Remember the rules.
You can win. Don't quit.
- You're good?
- Yeah.
Okay. Me too.
Boy, we are a toothless
bunch of old dudes, ain't we?
Excuse me. Have you seen the guy
I was with, with the big beard?
What the fuck is going on?
Have you seen the guy I
was with, with the big beard?
It's a dark web reality show.
I'm being hunted,
I just can't be alone.
So that's why I came here,
cause my family
doesn't trust me. So...
I'd prefer to go home,
believe me, you know,
but it's only a couple
more days, so...
TOM: So I've got about
24 hours left, and then I win.
That's it. That's it.
Wake up.
It's day 30, is it over?
- Did I win?
- No.
Then why are you here?
We're just here
to give you instructions
on the ending of the game.
You can just bring out
the other ninjas,
I know they're here.
So what happens now,
how does it end?
- There will be a limo.
- You need to get in it.
It will take you to the ending.
That's it. Those are
the instructions.
Okay, where's the limo?
I don't know, but, uh,
they did tell me to tell you
that you need to leave this area
to find the limo.
I have to leave here? Why?
They feel like the audience
is getting bored
watching you sleeping
under this bridge.
They feel like it's getting
a little depressing.
TOM: Really?
It is a comedy, remember?
Well, I'm sorry I'm not being
more entertaining,
but people are trying
to murder me.
We get it. But they do want
a more exciting ending.
That's why we got rid
of Walter in the first place.
They felt like your relationship
was too repetitive.
You took Walter?
You didn't hurt him, did you?
No, he's sleeping in a motel
right now until
you either win or die.
He's quite happy
with the set up.
Well I'm sure he is.
We recommend that you find
someone getting outta here
and you follow them.
- The limo will find you.
- Okay.
Maybe her?
Sir, why'd you follow me?
Oh, I wasn't following you.
We just both happened to be
doing the same thing.
How are you doing, Mr. Walcott?
Boy, you have been
one hell of a contestant.
Excuse me, can you see him?
Stop talking to me.
Mm-hmm. Woah.
I'm not alone. We're together.
[CHUCKLING] You will be.
And I'm a patient man.
Do you mind if I ask you
a question?
Go ahead.
Have you figured it out?
That this whole game
was set up just for you?
All that Michael Jackson shit.
You and your dad
playing video games,
and your ex
with Ellen DeGeneres.
So then who are you?
I think maybe you watched
a few too many westerns, huh?
- Me again.
- Hi.
So, you been having fun?
Did you just ask
if I was having fun?
Um... yes?
No! I'm not having fun!
This has been
a goddamn nightmare,
Andy Samberg.
Well I'm sorry to hear that.
But truth be told...
since I last saw you,
things haven't been
that great for me either. So...
a little bit of a bender.
- You've been on a bender?
- SAMBERG: Lot of ups and downs.
Currently in a big down.
In a big down.
Thus, me, back here with you.
- For a little money gig.
- What do you even want?
You know what,
you're actually totally right.
I'm gonna keep this moving
so I can get paid, you can
be on your way, and I can...
[SINGING] Take it back
to squeaky street.
[CHUCKLING] I'm just kidding!
No more of that.
Just getting my money so I can
pay everyone back that I owe.
If you're watching,
I'm just joking around,
you're gonna get your money.
Here we go. [CLEARS THROAT]
Thomas Walcott.
Smelly, no tooth.
Doesn't really say that,
I was just joking.
Gotta keep it light.
You have made it to the limo.
But the game is not over.
You have a choice.
Do you want to continue playing,
or end it now,
and return to your home safely
but receive no money?
- I'm gonna do it.
- Really?
Yeah, really.
I've come this far,
I need to finish what I started.
Why would you--
You know what? Fine.
I get paid more
if you keep going, so great.
He wants to keep going.
Let's keep going.
[GROANING] Jesus fucking Christ.
Hey uh, would you do me a favor?
Roll your window down.
You're pretty ripe.
Okay. Good luck, man.
Hey, boo.
Can I talk to you? I got some
information about Maddy.
Hey, Tommy, come this way.
Towards me.
- We're friends with Charlie.
- Sinbad...
- Come here.
- Fuck. [YELLS]
TOM: Holy shit.
Oh, fuck. Oh, shit.
I won! I won! I won!
Where are the fucking guys?
I won!
It's been 30 days. The limo
picked me up, I made it!
I told you when
we were sitting here,
your game was beatable,
and it was.
And I beat you!
You tried to break me,
but you failed at that too.
You actually made me stronger.
You wanna know why?
'Cause I learned things.
First of all, I got over my ex.
Check mark.
Second of all, I saw my Dad.
Thank you.
Fucking check mark.
Third of all, I met a new woman
and she's excellent.
So how's this?
I know that I won, and you
owe me a million dollars,
and I'm not leaving
until you bring it to me.
Just gimme my goddamn money
so I can get on with my life
for fuck's sake.
You survived 30 days.
- You are our first winner!
- You won our game!
How does it feel to be a winner?
Pretty good.
[CHUCKLING] Pretty good.
Stoked for you, Tommy.
Thanks, man. You helped
me a lot. All you guys did.
I mean, not you, Samurai.
- TOM: I just met you.
And you remember this guy.
- OUTLAW: You beat me, ya prick.
Even that was scary.
What is this?
This is Danish Kroner.
It's the currency of Greenland.
Thank you. And I'm really glad
you didn't kill me.
You're very welcome.
TOM: I think I learned
from this game,
I'm ready to shake things up.
Let's try new things.
I fucking won! [CHUCKLING]
I won the game!
Fuck yeah!
Wow! What a fucked-up game!
TOM: Was it dangerous? Uh, yeah,
it actually really was.
Was it worth it? Hmm.
You bet your ass it was.
'Cause we're talking
a million dollars.
And I won. [LAUGHS]
So I'd like to thank you
guys for fucking nothing,
because you didn't
believe in me,
and you were wrong
and I was right.
And you all have egg
on your face.
So what do you have
to say for yourselves?
I'm glad you fixed your tooth,
'cause it really
looked terrible.
MARY: Comedically.
- I preferred it before.
- MOM: So you won.
So does that,
does that mean you're,
you're a millionaire now, honey?
Uh, obviously with this game,
there's always twists and turns
and it's happened
with the currency.
What's the twist
with the currency?
Yeah, how much-
How much did you--
I wonder what the twist
is with the currency.
Are you a millionaire or not?
- Yeah, so.
- MALCOLM: Of course.
Yeah, so the way they're doing
the payment on this one is uh,
it's four grand a month
for, I think it's 250 months.
And it's in
Greenlandic currency.
So I don't know the conversion.
That's very interesting.
Greenlandic currency.
I wonder where that
terrible idea came from.
Not so bad!
That's, like, 12 years.
- MARY: Yeah.
- AMY: Okay well, that's it.
I'm done.
Uh, Wayne Brady, big fan.
- Yeah.
- Aw, thank you.
Uh, you wanna grab lunch
or something, or are you down?
- Yeah, yeah, no I'm down.
- Great. Awesome. Yeah, cool.
Thank you. Alright,
well good to see everybody.
AMY: It's just like a lot,
you know what I mean?
Hey, thank you.
WALTER: So, what are you
gonna tell Maddy if she asks
about the game?
I'm gonna tell her the truth.
The game's over.
Time to move on.
Alright. Here goes nothing.
Now or never.
Yeah, here goes nothing.
You want me to come with you?
No, no. I wanna do it
on my own. But thanks.
I'll see you back at the
apartment, though, all right?
Come on, hug it up.
Thanks. I'll see you back
- at home, okay?
- Yeah, I'll see you at home.
Alright. You're the best.
Now what I want is
an easy movement
So kindly go gently with me
Now what I want is
freedom of my legs
So kindly keep back a little
I don't like it when
you're holding my hips
I want you to rock me
like this
I don't like it when you're
touching my breast
I'd like you to be
at your best
Oh mister, please go easy
So mister, I say,
go easy with me
It is true that
the music is sweet
But kindly keep me released
Now what I see is that
you're getting too hot
Sir please,
suppress your feeling
I say mister,
please suppress your
So mister, I say,
suppress your
I don't like it when you're
holding my hips
I want you
to rock me like this
I don't like it when you're
touching my breast
I'd like you to be
at your best
Oh mister, please go easy
So mister, I say, go easy
with me, alright!
Wake up in the morning
It's a quarter to three
I hit the street
Wake up in the morning
It's a quarter to three
I hit the street
Now that my mind is racing
And rolling around
I can't sleep anymore
Now that my mind is racing
And rolling around
I can't sleep anymore