Selfie 69 (2016) Movie Script

- Hi!
- Hi!
- What a beautiful wedding!
- Yeah, it is.
Could you give this to the groom?
From his wife.
I promise I'll reward you
with some nice pictures...
- Oh, yeah? How nice?
- You'll see...
Can't wait any longer. Meet me in
the bedroom. In 15. Pants off. Your wife
Welcome! Thank you for coming!
- Oh, no!
- Oh, yes!
- Oh, no, you don't!
- Oh, but yes, I do!
I'm so hot from hiding
inside that closet. Touch me!
You're completely insane!
Look, it's over between us.
Can't you understand
I finally found a normal girl...
I had to find out from the tabloids that
Mr. Minister is marrying his daughter
to you, my dear beloved teacher?
That's not the issue here...
- Well, then what is the issue?!
- We love each other.
That's enough for me to...
It has nothing to do with money. Her
father might as well be a tractor driver.
I would have married her anyway.
Marriage is merely...
A confirmation?
Somebody's at the door!
Get in there!
- I don't want to!
- Now! Move, come on!
There's no one in here.
Pew! Smells like shit in here!
What the fuck is this?
A sacrificial altar?!
Rich girls get to be fucked with rose
petals up their asses. Didn't you know?
Give it to me.
It's my turn, c'mon!
Listen, bitch...
Did you notice that weird photographer
snooping around here?
Oh, I thought it was just me!
I'm so wasted.
No, he really is sneaking around.
Maybe he's with
the fuckin' secret services.
Hands off!
Thank God this bitch finally
found someone to marry.
I didn't think there were any fools left.
After last year's shit, even her father
couldn't have helped her.
Well, what can you do,
the princess got jealous.
She went after them
and set their tent on fire.
- And they were inside.
- And he was inside her...
Hey, love, do you want some too?
Take a puff!
They spent like three weeks
in the hospital, didn't they?
- This one seems like a nice guy, right?
- Yeah...
He's a wimp if you ask me.
This smell is killing me. I can't breathe.
- No more of this strong stuff for you.
- Smells like someone took a dump.
- Wait!
- Come on already!
- Let's go take a selfie!
- OK.
You can put
that ugly skunk of yours in here, not me.
Now please leave.
- I'm not leaving without you.
- You're totally insane.
- Am I now?
- Yes, you are.
WITH HIS STUDEN HOT PURSUI I'll get you for this, you slut! Wait!
Open this fucking door!
I'm gonna fuckin' kill you, you slut!
You slut, I'm gonna kill you!
Check this one out!
Upper class hoe with black lipstick.
Black belt in blowjobs, can't you tell?!
Hey, fellas,
which one of you is Rzvan?
I'm Niculae, we talked on
the phone about the weed...
Wow, keep it down!
Sorry, I didn't realize anyone was...
I'd like a kilo or even one and a half,
you know.
How much?
A kilo for starters, you know,
in case I don't get the recipe right.
- Seven, tops!
- Seven what?
- Grams.
- Grams?!
Are you selling gold?!
I'm not here to make earrings.
Come on! I'm paying you up front.
- This guy's crazy.
- How did you get our number?
From Cecilia, who else?!
You know Cecilia, right?
OK, grandpa, it's either seven
or you can cook yourself
some of those zucchinis.
Oh, now I get it.
Just like back in the old days when you
had to show your ID to get your ration.
OK, now I get it.
That's funny. Listen, I got the money
right here. Nice and tidy.
- All of it.
- What?
- I'm sorry.
- Slip it in our pocket... discreetly.
- Just like at the doctor's.
- Now I get it.
- Just like at the doctor's. It's 420.
- I got what you're saying.
- This pocket right here?
- Yeah.
You don't see a thing.
I'm not giving you anything.
Oops! Look... there!
Just a second, I got to take this.
Hi, Vasile. Thank you for...
Yeah, look, I can't really talk now.
I'm buying some weed from these fellas.
Just for necessities, you know.
Hey! Where the hell are you going?
Come on! Where's the weed?
I have to call you back, OK?
Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday!
It's your birthday and tonight
it's all about you...
Scent of a Woman!
Not that again!
I thought we already talked that through.
I mean the film.
What's funny?
The film's funny. How can a blind dude
speed drive a Ferrari?!
Are you making fun of me?
Is it that dangerous time of the month?
So tell me again,
why do you smell like women's perfume?
It's a different woman every day.
Isn't it obvious?! It's because
I'm banging the entire neighborhood.
Every day I'm with a different
woman and that's why.
I'm messing with you.
I told you I do tricks
in kindergarten with the kids.
My colleagues have all sorts
of perfumes with them.
How many times do I have to ask
you to tidy up a little bit around here?
Did you even wipe
the bathroom floor dry?
Beware! Someone's been riding
the cotton pony!
I don't think you've ever cleaned
the cat's litter box either.
My dear sweet baby...
I love you.
Come on!
"Descend to me, kind Evening star!"
Let me go!
Let go of me, you idiot!
Let's finish what we started,
we'll put ice on it afterwards.
Let me go! George!
Oh, come on,
I don't even get a kiss on the cheek?
What do you think about all this?
Are you ignoring me?
Are you? You're ugly as fuck.
How many times did I tell you
to wipe the bathroom floor?
Stop before this gets nasty!
Oh, yeah? Get down on your knees
and clean it up! Now!
I said now!
I'm sorry, I'm really sorry.
It was an accident.
How dare you hit me?
I think I'm gonna be sick.
Are you fucking kidding me?
You throw this shit on me and now
you're the victim?! How's that?
You never do anything around here!
You think I'm your fucking slave?
I know it's your B-day
and I've been as nice as I could.
You've been nagging me with this
women's perfume shit. You won't stop.
Yada, yada, yada!
You're driving me fucking insane.
If you...
- Let me finish, OK?
- No, not OK.
Mommy, please, can you get me
into Acting School? I'm so good.
- How the fuck do you know this shit?
- How'd you get into Acting School, huh?
I took the exam! Do you think my mom
has money to get me into Acting School?
- I know her connections!
- What fucking connections?
- You're not fooling me.
- Tell me what connections?
- What connections?
- I know who and how she got you in.
I can't believe you're
saying this about me.
- I rehearsed and I practiced.
- Practiced what?
You've only seen like four films
and two cartoons in your entire life.
Now you think you're Tarantino.
I mean, come on!
I hate you and I'm leaving you.
I took the cat. She hates you too.
Dragos Teglas: Great!
Can I take you out for a drink?
It's difficult to be an adult in Romania
without losing your imagination...
I wanted to watch
"Scent of a Woman..."
- What's up?
- He always smells like... another woman.
I don't know what I'm going to do.
I want to go out, to get wasted.
- OK, I'm coming to pick you up.
- I've had enough. I hate him!
I don't give a shit.
I just want to have some fun.
- I'll be there in a few hours, OK? Bye!
- He doesn't even love my cat.
Ana, I proudly present ECHO ONE.
I thought about naming it Ana, but...
...there can only be
one Ana in my life.
I wanted to thank you
for believing in me.
Actually, you were the only one
who believed in me.
I was thinking we could celebrate.
You want to come over?
Get a better look at it...
My dad's home...
Why is he always home?
He's been acting strange lately...
He's always babbling about tea...
...energies, karma.
You could run out the window...
...if you wanted to...
Until we meet again...
...I'll give you something
to think about.
I like what I see.
And what do I get?
- What are you doing there?
- Dad?! Wait! I'm changing.
- What are you watching?
- Dad, don't come in!
- What are you watching?
- Ana?
- You really lost some weight! I like it!
- Really?
- You look sexy!
- Only now you've noticed?
- Are we having this conversation again?
- You do look sexy!
Seriously, girls, do you think these
braces make me look weird?
- What?!
- You think it's cool?
- Braces are so sexy!
- They are, right?!
Men love it, believe me.
I don't get it. What's so bad
about wearing braces?!
I was OK even with the fact
that you were a little chubby,
but now you have those wires
in your mouth.
Heavy metal smile, like living
with fucking Terminator.
Did Magi say anything about it?
No, I mean I would've dumped
his ass if he did.
- Jeez, he's such a deadbeat.
- Exactly! What's his problem anyway?
How are my Indians doing?
It's ready!
What's up?
- Dude, are you OK?
- I just got scammed.
They conned me.
The land from Trgoviste,
where Grandpa was growing cabbage...
...the Turks were supposed
to "grow" a mall there.
But they conned me with the paperwork
and vanished with the money...
...and my European future.
I only have a few bucks left
in my account.
Where are the girls?
They're out downtown.
Sorry, sorry, a million times sorry.
He got my socks wet
and he put my cat in the toilet bowl.
- Do you want to give her a bath?
- What?!
Little kitty needs a bath.
In the toilet bowl, of course.
Hey! If you lay one finger
on my cat...
Oops... it fell!
God, you're so dumb!
We didn't break up because of that.
But because he started
laughing like an asshole
during my favorite scene
from Scent of a Woman.
- We started fighting and shit happened.
- Calm down.
She set his clothes on fire.
I would have given her
one hell of a beating.
Roxi, are you fucking crazy?
Fuck this shit!
You want this place to catch fire?
Are you really fucking insane?
- Do you want the both of us to burn?
- Are you an idiot?
Alright then,
let's fucking burn down this place.
See?! This is your film, right here.
Why don't we just pour water on the
light bulbs and the fucking sockets?!
- You're out of your mind.
- I'm out of my mind?!
These were my flowers.
My only birthday present.
I got my socks wet again
because of you.
Have a bitch burn my stuff?!
I'd beat the shit out of her!
It's not like she bought me that shit.
Hush, hush.
Everything's gonna be alright.
He's cheating on me.
Magi loves you.
Will the both of you just cut it out
already? You're fucking retarded.
Honey, he's a magician. He pulls
scarves out of his ass for a living.
- Forget about him already.
- But I love him.
You can do so much better than him.
- I can, right?
- Of course you can.
I'm too good for him.
He's an idiot.
- Are you with me now?
- Yes.
- Yes!
- That's it, girl!
We're gonna get drunk.
Really drunk!
- To being free!
- To being free!
To you guys!
Are we men or what?
Look at us! We're in here playing
computer games with toy tanks.
- You know what we should do?
- Get drunk?!
No, even better, let's take
our tanks out for a spin! To a brothel!
Dude, you're not a real man
unless you've been to a brothel
at least once in your life.
- Shut up!
- And you just haven't been to one yet.
I'm in.
Me too.
Look, I don't mean to spoil your fun,
but some of us have a girlfriend.
Real men pay for sex because
they have the money for it.
They have power. Money, power
and women at your feet.
Wait a minute, weren't you complaining
about not having any money?
I meant your money.
The money you made
with the perfumes, you know.
What are you saving that money for?
Let's put it to good use: hos.
C'mon, bros, forget better supremacy!
Is this guy suggesting we use
my money to pay for hookers?
I'll show you how
a real life 3D woman looks like.
What's the most hardcore thing
you've ever done with Brain?
I choose dare.
We're playing truth or truth
over here.
I can't talk about it...
It stays between me and him.
Come on, you're only telling us.
We're your best friends.
You guys had sex, right?
- Really?
- You know what that is, right?
It's when a little bee
lands on a beautiful flower.
It's when a man loves a woman.
When a man loves a woman,
he respects her,
he protects her,
and he makes love to her.
He keeps her secrets.
And she keeps his.
Well, fuck me. You girls are going to
give birth to angels. Real life angels.
Why did she leave me?
Who left you?
- Go fuck yourself!
- I was just joking! Why are you pissed?
- This is what you call a joke?
- Don't worry. She'll be back in no time.
- We'll go out for a juice.
- You just need to do some push-ups.
Then she'll realize
what a great guy you are.
- Then she'll be like... The magic is back.
- How do you know?
That she's coming back?
- Of course she's coming back.
- Are you kidding me?
- Well done, Ana!
- Oh, shut up!
Just put a lid on it, OK?
He stopped loving me because
I have braces now. That's why!
No one is ever going to love me again.
It's never going to be like
in The Notebook.
I'm going to end up married to an old
communist fart, just like my mother.
I don't want that,
I want The Notebook.
Everything's gonna be alright.
You have us.
You can come live with me.
It's gonna be just the two of us and you
can have as many cats as you want.
No, I don't want to be
a crazy cat lady forever alone...
I don't want that...
I want to get married!
Then get married! It's super easy!
Every idiot
wants to get married nowadays.
Seriously! There are
waiting lists in every city.
That's not the point here!
And it's not that easy at all!
Oh, yeah? I imagine for you
it would be quite hard... You're right.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Bogdan would marry me
in the blink of an eye.
I actually have someone
who truly loves me.
- Oh, shut up already!
- You shut up!
Trust me,
anyone would want to marry us.
We're the ones who must be picky.
- Magi doesn't want me.
- Yes, he does.
You wanna bet?
We'll get married tomorrow.
What's it gonna be?
Room, hourly rate? Long, short?
Are you together?
No, separately!
Lookie here, you even got a rocket!
We're open
to all sorts of things around here.
Hey, deadbeats, do you even
have any money on you?
We want three beautiful
matching girls.
And how are you gonna pay for them?
Cash, credit or food coupons?
Show us the money!
How much is it?
- Give them the money.
- Easy, Elvis.
- I'm just asking...
- Do students get a discount?
- They get... a receipt.
- Right, a receipt.
I have my student card with me.
Money up front!
Wanna bet?
Let's see who can get married
in three days' time!
That's about enough time
to find a decent dress.
You're a real genius!
This is worse than
going to the seaside
two days before our finals.
- Give me a break!
- You're an irresponsible brat!
Refresh my memory, how was it that
you met this guy who loves you?
What are we betting on?
Anything, you name it! All in!
All our personal belongings.
- That's not enough. If you lose...
- Yes... have to go back to college
and get your degree.
- Oops!
- OK.
And you have to move out
of your dad's place.
And you, Roxi... have to delete
your Facebook account.
No... No way!
Come on, I'm risking a three-year
college sentence over here.
- No!
- Oh, yes!
Alright already, it's a deal.
Come on!
Come on, Ana!
Roxi, start filming!
Today... I, Yasmine,
Roxana and Ana hereby...
Roxi, I'm only doing this for you.
I don't want you to be alone
with this crazy bitch.
We swear on our souls
and on all our personal belongings.
I swear to respect my sister's pact.
I want to be independent.
We swear to get married
in three days.
My life is like a film
and it's worth filming!
I pledge to give up
all my personal belongings
and to move out of my dad's place.
I would like to add that we're not allowed
to pay men to marry us.
Fuck you!
Congratulations on our wedding!
I found the perfect wedding dress!
Is this your toy?
Don't be so shy, honey!
There we go.
I think I got WI-FI.
I want to show you how this
chick is holding her legs.
I named it "selfie69."
I never asked her for a single thing,
but she, on the other hand,
has an entire list of things for me to do.
And don't get me started
on the things I'm not supposed to do...
And I just don't get
that freaking cat of hers.
You fall in love with a girl
and the cat is part of the deal.
OK, seems to be a good cat,
you take care of it, you feed it,
but it's like nothing else
matters to her except that cat.
And how does that make you feel?
It makes me feel kinda...
Never mind, I'll be fine.
Don't tell me you're a virgin.
Is it your first time?
I'll help you build up some courage.
We just need a little music.
Sorry, I must go.
Why, you got scared?
Why did you get scared?
I can be either a boy or a girl.
What's your pleasure?
You're a nice guy. Don't let a cat
or anything else get to you.
Thank you, but...
These small things don't really matter.
It's the big things that matter.
Like love.
Do you love this girl or what?
- Yes, of course I do...
- So what's the problem? A cat?
Or I got it wrong?
Go tell her you love her.
Be a brave man!
Tell her what you feel.
That's all that matters.
- Have you ever been in love?
- What?
Have you ever been in love?
So you have.
So what did you do with the cat?
Shut the fuck up!
Only I get to scream.
It's official!
I really need to teach you girls
some poker.
Have you lost it?
You didn't kiss her, right?
Did you?
Wait, I don't even want to know.
Dude... I can't find my wallet.
Is that Mihai?
Is that...
That fucking idiot!
What the fuck?
Not in there. Be careful, my rocket!
- Move it, come on! Drive!
- Hey!
Where do you think you're going
with my girl?
She's a rental,
it's not like you bought her.
Elvis, Turnip!
- Careful with my rocket!
- I don't give a fuck about your rocket.
Move it! They've taken our girl.
Elvis, this ain't no laughing-matter!
Faster, faster! Come on!
Drive faster, come on!
They're onto us!
- You gotta be kiddin' me!
- Faster!
Are you running from me?
The nerve of these deadbeat losers.
I don't care if it's red or yellow,
just drive!
If I lose Iuliana, you bitches
are gonna take her place.
- Hear that?
- It's our ass on the line. Move it!
- Push the pedal to the metal!
- Come on!
Fuck, they're gonna kill me
if they catch me.
Drive the fuck faster,
you're driving like my grandpa!
Man, why can't you
drive any faster?!
- Are you fucking kidding me?
- Faster!
We're gonna die!
Faster, come on!
Barasabia is Romania.
My rocket!
Be careful with my rocket!
We're dead meat
if you don't drive faster!
They shot a hole through my windshield!
Nice going!
Dude, it's either us or...
Just leave it!
Leave it!
Catch that fucker!
I want their ears on a stick!
Goddamn, I'm so tired.
It's so beautiful over here.
This can't be happening.
You coming home this late.
You didn't even bother to call
and now you bring home a wild animal.
What are you watching?
Animal Planet.
I won't have it. I don't care what kind
of situation Roxi is in right now,
but she's not moving in here with us.
The same goes for Ana.
- Why not? What's wrong with that?
- Don't you get it?
They want the house.
They'll send us to a nursing home
the first chance they get.
How can you not remember
where you parked your car?!
My cello was in there,
I swear if anything happens to it...
Will you stop
coughing on me already?
I'm coughing to make you aware
that there's an old lady next to you.
I can barely stand up
and I'm carrying these heavy bags.
I'm pregnant, OK?
Really, how far along are you?
Half an hour
and my legs are still shaking.
Young people nowadays!
What are you, 15?
- Oh, fuck off already! I'm not 15.
-16, tops...
They don't have any kind
of consideration, for anything.
They have expensive cars.
- Expensive clothes...
- Stop it!
I can't believe this.
Why don't you just delete it?!
I was drunk, for God's sake.
I want out.
More than 600 in just half an hour
and I'm supposed to delete it? Really?
If you give up now,
you're gonna lose everything.
- Why did you get so drunk anyway?
- Because of you.
- Because of us...
- Ana, a bet is a bet.
We can go viral with this.
Do you know what that means?
Yeah, millions of people are gonna
see us make a fool of ourselves.
What am I gonna tell my dad?
- Morning!
- Bye!
- I need to tell you something.
- No, Ana, we have to leave...
- ...for that urgent thing we have to do.
- Now? No... I have to tell him.
The girls and I made a bet
to see who can get married first.
I don't want to...
Great! Good for you! You don't have
to live like two stray dogs anymore.
- I think you owe me an explanation.
- Mom, it's just a joke!
Come on, Ana!
Wait till I tell you what just happened,
you're gonna fall on your ass
when you hear this.
The girls are getting married.
They're finally leaving.
It's gonna be just us.
Florin79, male, 36 years old
- Hello.
- Hi.
Ana, you don't stand a chance!
Hi, I'm Roxi
and this is my self-portrait.
This is research
for my final term essay.
I'm trying to find out two things.
First of all, what marriage means
for young people today.
Secondly, I'm interested
in what good can come
from a night
of partying drunk downtown.
Yes, of course I'm sober, teach'.
If you can still walk, because
probably you've just been castrated...
- I invite you to my wedding.
- Wedding? You're insane.
I've been thinking about you
for months, but, um...
You married who?
None of the men I've been with
compare to you.
Marry me and I'll make sure you're
happy every day for the rest of your life.
I didn't leave you, I just didn't
have the courage to answer your calls.
I can be a virgin again just for you.
You want me to do what?
Keep dreaming.
I mean a real wedding.
With a godfather, music, your drunk
mother dancing, the whole thing.
You have a better idea...?!
Who are you calling a whore?!
I'm out of your Little Penis League.
What's all this career talk?
A woman's place is in the kitchen.
What good is she if she can't cook?!
I can give you anything
your heart desires.
Even the moon if that's what you want.
Marriage?! No, thank you.
Yeah, I'm okay
with a woman working,
but she should also make time
to take care of the house.
I... lost... my... parents...
when... I... was... little.
But I... want a big... family
with many... kids.
Baby, did you at least save a panda?
Or paint a symphony?
I want someone I can admire.
A wife must fascinate you...
each day in the long term.
Otherwise, that toy you got
between your legs...
Every bitch has one of those.
I already checked.
Didn't your mother teach you not to
leave your ID when you go to hookers?
This picture is shit,
but you're the guy alright.
You got one minute to tell me
where our girl is.
- Countdown begins: 50... 49...
- A minute has 60 seconds.
I don't want to argue with you.
Let's meet in the middle:
-30... 29...
- I don't know! I swear I don't know.
You don't know, huh?
- Longer you don't remember...
- They left somewhere.
I don't know! I swear I don't know.
You really don't know?
LOST ROCKE - My rocket!
- Dare to call me a racketeer?
- Does that hurt? Does it?
- It does!
Where's Iuliana, huh?
- Where?
- I don't know.
You don't know,
but you sure know how to run from us.
Oops! Let's see...
Well, well...
Go to hell!
Get it? Don't lower the price!
Hold your horses! I'll be right there.
You're late! I've been waiting for you.
Get inside before these
fuckers evil eye your ass. Get in!
Sit on that chair right there. I just put
a protection spell on it. Come on!
Wake up, girl!
Sit the hell down already!
I've been waiting for you for so long.
So, what do you need?
Binding, unbinding, health,
luck, what do you need?
I made a bet and I need to get married.
- You need to what?
- Get married.
For crying out loud! What do you
have in that head of yours?
What the fuck do they teach you
in schools?
Why the hell
would you wanna do that?
That's forbidden! It's forbidden!
Marriages are binding spells.
They're evil!
What am I gonna do with you?
You said you do spells.
Of course I do spells.
"Mother Exile can solve anything!"
I have so much experience that even the
police won't tie him better. Let's see.
You got any money?
How much you got? Let me see,
otherwise my powers won't work.
What's this? What the heck
am I supposed to do with this?!
This is about difficult marriage spells!
- This is the price on your website.
- For a binding wedding spell?
It's gonna cost you
way more than that.
Do you take Visa?
Up my cunt I do! What the fuck
am I supposed to do with that?
Sweet mother of...
I can't believe you people.
I'll tell you what:
I'll cut a nice deal, just this once.
This is for binding
Not for unbinding
Here I bind him to you
With this woolen thread brand new
Silence his sound
Turn him round
- What's his name?
- Bogdan.
Make Bogdan go numb.
Keep him on the ground
Keep him charmed around
Three times third
Spit here!
Spit here already,
that's how it's done!
You trying to flood it?! This is
how you spit? Never saw such spit!
Just like cows seek salt,
just like everyone seeks salt,
may everyone seek Ana!
Close those pretty eyes of yours!
That's it!
Keep them closed! You fucking stupid
or what?! I'm gonna throw salt at you!
So this salt here... You can open
your eyes now, dumbass!
Put this salt under your pillow. The spell
is only worth the money you gave me.
Wake the fuck up and listen!
You take a right turn when you leave,
next to the pawn shop,
and ask for Danny Dustpan.
Ask him for a white dove.
- A white dove?
- Yes.
Tell him Mother Exile sent you.
He'll give you an extra discount.
He takes Visa, he has a pee-your-ass
or what's it called...
Off you go, I got other clients waiting.
At this rate,
I'm gonna go fucking bankrupt.
Get your lazy ass out of my office.
50,000 EUR. 48 HOURS.
What the fuck is going on here?
He glued us together with Superglue.
Fuck you and your brilliant ideas!
Easy! He glued us together!
How are we supposed
to unglue ourselves?!
Easy! Do it real gently!
He glued us together!
Sorry, I didn't mean to!
Holy shit!
Don't you fucking touch me!
Bring a knife and scissors!
Look, I wanna explain everything.
Do you guys think those girls
are there out of their own will?!
What do you guys care?!
You go there,
have fun and off you go.
Don't you have any sisters?
If it were them,
what would you do?
My plan was to come to Romania
for a year as a babysitter,
save up some money...
Bring my little sister here
and move to Germany.
When I first came here,
they locked me up,
they tore up my clothes
and they beat me.
After a few days,
they told me "good life
is gonna cost you, but here's a job.
Come on, be a business girl."
I found out last night
what that job was.
You were my second client.
I've heard that one before.
"You were my second..."
I'm sorry, but...
You have to go back
and talk this through with them.
You stupid or what?
Don't you get it, I lov...
- You lost it, bro!
- Mihai...
Myself, I'm in love with my teeth.
How the hell did I end up
with the two of you as friends?
We have to pay them,
no doubt about it.
I've got an idea, we can rob a bank
or two, or even more if we have to.
They're gonna go bankrupt anyway.
Or we can just go to them with her
and talk to them.
Yes, but not with her.
With money.
At least some...
As much as we can find.
We'll ask for a monthly rate,
we'll negotiate, but we won't give up.
Fuck me, he's in love now.
For the first time.
He was a virgin only in his soul.
Can I offer you a five-star drink?
A coffee maybe?
I sure hope you can.
Let's get to know each other better.
What do you think about marriage?
I don't care about marriage.
But practically...
Did you make a bet with your friends,
which of you bones me first tonight?
- It's not what you think...
- Don't worry, I like a good bet.
Here's the deal: we tell them
it was love at first sight
and tomorrow we get married.
Nobody's gonna believe us.
Oh, yes they will. Because
we're actually going to do it.
Drink up!
You just have to pay
for the marriage registration.
It's up to you.
Up to me...
Alright, I do.
Here we are again.
The oldest trick in the book.
With what you make selling perfumes,
we'd cover the payment
in about 50 years.
Isn't this dangerous?
Only if the cops catch us.
Mihai's been doing this for years,
there's nothing to worry about.
He's exaggerating.
We've only done it
once or twice just for fun.
Mihai was a poor kid
while growing up.
And he's the romantic type.
He acts like a tough guy
only to protect himself.
- What about girls?
- Girls?
What girls? He's never been
with any girl. You're the first.
He plants tulips
in front of his apartment.
- He recycles, adopts cats.
- Paints the fences green.
- Cats?
- He has seven cats!
Iulia, I'm telling you,
he's a great guy.
Did you see the ass on that bitch?
The one with the Mercedes.
This is how you speak
in front of a lady?
That stupid bitch
is the one from the elevator.
- The one that double-crossed me.
- You high or what?!
That one had short hair.
This one's a red head with long hair.
Wigs, make-up, girly magic,
mister magician.
Fellas, the one right there
is all we need.
What's that supposed to mean?
I just know the chick.
There's nothing going on between us.
- But there's gonna be.
- Really? I'm getting out!
What are you doing?
Come on!
- Are you nuts?
- Enough!
She's all you need...
Take this!
Are you hurt?
We're fucking rich!
Oh, he's hurt alright.
Just a second, please.
To see where she is.
This isn't the time for that.
How can you be so relaxed when
our girls are about to ruin their lives?
Listen up, I'm gonna have a serious
talk with the both of them tomorrow.
That's great!
- It better be a very serious talk.
- Yeah!
- You'll talk to Roxi...
- Yeah!
And I'll talk to...
Aaa... na.
Got it?
Hello? Yes? Oh, nothing much.
I was just reading something.
Can I call you back in an hour?
Better make that two hours.
OK, thanks. Bye!
- Who was that?
- I don't know.
- Where's that book I was looking for?
- It's here.
Right there, under your pillow.
They're with weed.
Of course they are, they're organic.
A little something to give
you some energy.
I even gave some to Roxi.
- Do we know each other?
- On the outside or the inside?
The phone...
My phone is ringing.
- I don't hear anything.
- It's vibrating.
It's not the phone.
Please don't tell me you used that.
No, we used it together.
Is there anyone else here?
No, but it would've been a great idea.
Get the fuck out!
What? Seriously?!
You're kicking me out?
- This isn't just about sex, you know.
- Are you stupid? I said, get out!
Oh, boy... Last night
was a totally different story...
I said get out already!
Didn't your mother teach you
how to treat your guests?
Leave, you stupid bitch!
Do I have to fucking ask you nicely?
A gift!
What happened to you that made you
want to take it out on people like this?
OK, it was nice, but I like men and this
right here is ruining my reputation.
You guys hungry?
That's just what I'm looking for.
People who are starving!
Today we'll have a feast.
You'll make such a nice steak!
I say we make
some meatballs out of this one.
No need to jump to conclusions.
Let's see what he has to say.
Come on!
Take a seat, boy.
Sit, sit.
You dogs wait here!
I don't see the girl with you.
Don't tell me you've got 50,000 on you?
Hey, turd! Why don't you help us out
and give these small ones a turn?
I'm not good with grilling.
I'm good with jokes, you know.
I do tricks.
Here, let me show you.
One moment, please.
We take this soda...
And suddenly...
Look, loser, I'm the one with
the happy ending in this picture.
If they're rare, you'll be getting
rare too, you hear me?
If they get burned,
you get burned!
Take one!
Take one, chew it well
and explain why you're here.
Before I lose my temper.
You wouldn't want that to happen.
I'm gonna break the teeth
of this dumbass.
Let's not rush into things.
He's better at grilling.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
Let's see you work your magic,
We want them nice and juicy.
- Come on!
- No! This is my rocket!
Give them a turn!
How's 100,000 sound?
I'd have to say...
MEET ME AT 9:00 IN P3.
What have you been up to?
I've been working so hard lately.
The rocket is ready!
What happened to you?
Elvis hit my head on the table.
You smell funny. Like barbecue.
Did you have fun with the girls?
No, not really.
Roxi is devastated. They had
such a beautiful thing going on.
- You know, I was thinking...
- Yes?
...about what we could do
to avoid such a situation...
We love each other, don't we?
I want to be with you
for the rest of my life.
Maybe we're ready
to take the next big step.
I think...
we should...
let things take their natural course.
Guess what? Ana's getting married!
No, not that one! I mean our Ana!
With Obama! Beats me,
with her boyfriend probably.
That's great!
Nothing much, you know,
we're doing alright,
we could use some money though,
if you have any...
Don't give me that! You know, the money
you've got hidden in your old socks!
Reading from John's Sacred Gospel.
To the Jews who had believed Him,
Jesus said...
"Very truly I tell you,
whoever hears my word...
and believes him who sent me
has eternal life
and will not be judged,
but has crossed over
from death to life.
For as the Father
has life in himself,
so he has granted the Son
also to have life in himself."
Hi, are you here alone?
Mommy, who's this lady?
Who's this?
Who's this?
She just came out of the blue
and sat next to me.
Who are you and why are
you touching my husband?
Oh, I just felt a little dizzy,
that's all.
Dear Lord, what kind of a woman
hits on a married man at a funeral?!
"My judgment is just, for I seek not
to please myself but him who sent me."
- How can you be so rude?
- What are you talking about?
- I saw you!
- What did I do?!
Keep it in your pants, will you?
"Do not be amazed at this...
for a time is coming...
and come out...
My Father who sent me."
I hacked their alarm system.
I don't know what we're gonna do
about this furry fella.
He has no software to hack.
You're just too smart to know.
Sleeping pills, bro!
Don't touch that, please!
Magi got it for Roxi.
Dude, we're not allowed to touch
anything in this freaking house!
Why don't you make something
for a change?
I will.
Make yourself useful!
I'll tell Iulia to teach Ana
some relaxation methods.
Get my point?
Ana proposed to me.
Say what?!
It's even worse. The three of them
made a bet. Who gets married first.
No way!
Who's getting married?
What are you doing?
He's gonna flip when he hears this.
We can't do this without him.
- We've got to tell...
- Just shut the fuck up, okay?
It's me, I'm getting "spoused."
You wanna say you're getting married.
And put that champagne back.
The apple too!
Just like Sharapova
in the third set.
I want more movement
when we get to the "voleo."
This one and this one
have to go all the way. Come on!
Princess Roxana?
So here's the deal:
I'll let you do stuff to me...
and you'll marry me.
Do you really not recognize me?
First marriage on the forum.
You don't see that every day!
I found you crying in the elevator.
You were failing in history.
I helped you make scraps of paper
for the exam about Michael the Brave.
You impressed your teacher, you went
off with him and forgot all about me.
If you get me this stuff every week,
we can be whatever
you want us to be.
When your father hit the jackpot
and you guys moved,
you gave me a phone number.
I called and it was a pharmacy...
Those years were tough on me too.
But now I'm cool.
We can get married.
Drink up, my wife!
- Congratulations on our marriage!
- That's right!
Such a beautiful love story
deserves a happy ending.
When did Michael the Brave rule?
Yasmine, ending up with a whore
isn't a happy ending.
It's social work.
Wanna know why I'm so lucky?
These young men just don't know
how to treat a woman.
Get out, snotty face!
My father's an army general,
he'll make sure you rot in jail!
Even with your mouth full, you still
won't stop yapping about marriage!
Fuck off!
Two million slaves
and I can't find a man.
Fuck this shit hole of Bucharest city!
- Did you drug her?
- We didn't give her anything.
Just tell me what the hell you gave her!
- Calm down!
- Hey! Shut up!
Nothing bad is going to happen, OK?
We're just taking you home.
When my dad opens the door,
just keep your heads down.
Did you hear me?
Just say: Sir, yes, Sir!
Just chill, will you?
You'll wake up the dogs.
Say you're sorry
for causing such an inconvenience
and then you get the fuck out of here!
Alright already, at least we
don't have to kiss his hand...
Sir, yes, sir!
Ana, what did we say
about coming home late?
Everybody head home.
Thank you, boys.
- Good evening, sir.
- Whatever.
Sorry for the inconvenience.
It was an honor.
All the best.
Look at this one! She fell while
thinking? What's up with her?! Get in!
Was she plowing all night? Tilling
the land? Must have worked really hard.
- She's not feeling so well.
- Oh, really? Get your ass in here!
I really don't know
why we girls have to be so perfect.
I used to be chubbier.
Why do we have to look
like those cover girls anyway?
I don't want to be like Yasmine.
I really don't.
I want to be me.
What does BF mean?
I mean an X and an O
and another X and an O.
That's not how you read it!
That's how you write it.
It means "hugs and kisses."
You know, hugs and kisses,
hugs and kisses.
Why don't you just say it like that then?
Hug then kiss, hug then kiss.
Because I ain't got the time
for all that, duh!
What about YOLO?
Which means: Carpe diem. That way,
Mr. Ceausu will also get it if he asks.
- That's so nice.
- Yeah...
See that's why you shouldn't jump
into things when you're very young...
What about blowjo'?
- Mom!
- What?!
- Not so loud!
- Did I say it wrong?
- It's blowjob.
- Blowjob.
It's, well, when a girl does it
with her mouth... you know.
Oh, fellatio!
Why don't you just say so?
What's the big deal?
What if you're wearing braces?
- Mom, come on!
- I'm just curious.
You're traumatizing me,
seriously, just drop it, please.
Alright, do you know what a bitch is?
A stuck up girl
who refuses to perform fellatio.
What's with this attitude?
I didn't raise you to talk like that!
Apparently you did.
Can we talk about this bet
you girls made? Please, Roxana!
It's alright if you lose.
You don't have to ruin your life
with the first guy that shows up.
- Why did you break up with Magi?
- He just left.
He left? Really? What an idiot!
When you love a man
who loves you back,
you don't just let him leave.
You keep him.
What did I say now?!
YOLO, mom! Carpe diem!
Look at this one!
You're better off
on the side of the road, honey!
Up yours,
you dumb fucking bitches!
Yasmine, are you OK?
No, I'm not.
Nobody wants to marry me.
Ana and Bogdan can't get
enough of each other
and Roxi says she's spoiled for choice.
Spoiled for choice?
What do you mean?
They're both getting married
today and I'm left...
They're both what?
They're gonna win the bet!
What don't you get?
We made a bet:
who gets married first in three days.
Roxi wants to get married?
Yes! What's the fucking novelty
in that?
Where are you going?
You wanker!
Hello, is Roxi home?
I need to see her.
As a parent, you come to understand
so many things.
There's really no point
in getting angry.
You don't understand. I love her!
I love her and I want to marry her.
Thank you for the flowers. I was actually
worried I wouldn't find any. Let's go.
Look, if you can get some weed,
I'll put in a good word for you.
Would you be willing to donate
seven drops of blood for me?
Not in the sink!
- Hi there, honey!
- You're here... First!
You're letting us wait at the door?
This place is so nice!
- Do I smell burned plastic?
- Um, why don't you take a seat?
- We will.
- I just need a second in the kitchen.
Look what I got for you!
You wouldn't believe how long it took me
to find the perfect bouquet!
- Do you like them?
- Yes, I do.
So do I.
What is she making?
Cabbage stew?
Come on!
That must be them!
Or maybe it's the mail man.
Or the owner asking for the rent.
Maybe she didn't pay the rent.
- I'm Bogdan's mother.
- I'm Ana, nice to meet you.
- I'm Bogdan's father.
- Nice to meet you.
The mother of Stephen the Great.
I just remembered that poem.
- These are my parents, my dad...
- Bogdan's mother.
- Nice to meet you.
- And Cecilia.
- Bogdan's mother.
- Cecilia. Nice to meet you.
Bogdan's father.
I'm Ana's father.
I'm Bogdan's father.
OK, I get it, I just thought...
you thought I was Bogdan's father.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, dear, we're all so nervous already.
Please excuse me. I just need to finish
up in the kitchen. I'll be right back.
Please make yourselves comfortable.
What about this weather we're having?
Where the heck is he?!
The weather is nice, I like it.
Isn't it?
- It took us... How long to get here?
- Half an hour.
Half an hour to get here.
How long did it take you?
We drove here from our home...
Rmnicu Vlcea. Yes, I know. How long
did it take you? To get here, I mean.
- Longer than we expected actually...
- Really, how so?
- We took the highway...
- How come? Did you make a pit stop?
- We got lost.
- Not even to take a pee?
You already took care of that at home,
didn't you? What road did you take?
- The straight road...
- The straight road, of course.
Good call.
Look what we have here!
Not even one bone in there!
I don't get their jokes.
What's your name, young lady?
How old are you, young lady?
Oh, you're still a little girl.
You're allowed to cry.
Close your eyes and cry.
Go ahead, close your eyes.
Do you hear those high heels
rushing off somewhere?
What happened to you that made you
want to take it out on people like this?
You're completely insane!
I never want to see you again!
Yasmine, ending up with a whore isn't
a happy end. It's social work.
Get out, snotty face!
Even with your mouth full, you still
won't stop yapping about marriage!
Now, do you feel the wind in your hair?
Do you feel the sun on your cheek?
You're only twenty years old and you
have so many things to look forward to.
You have all the time in the world
to change your life if you don't like it.
It's that simple.
Thank you.
This spot.
This is where
you've been longing for a kiss.
It's a shame
people don't do this more often.
Rmnicu Vlcea is not the same
as Rmnicu Srat, is it?
No, they're different.
It's pronounced Vl-cea,
like a small valley, you know.
People mistake them.
- Good afternoon...
- C'mon in, we've been waiting for you.
Bogdan, honey, why didn't you tell us
you wanted to get married?
- Ana?
- Yes, Ana, come and join us.
Just look at these two!
A match made in heaven!
Different customs.
You man up and ask for her hand
properly, and we're good to go!
- This whole thing is already a mess!
- Mother, please!
It's a misunderstanding.
Leave him alone, dear,
he's obviously nervous. It's normal.
Oh, bless their young hearts! We were
a disaster ourselves back in the day.
I'll get you strong on some of this holy
water and everything's gonna be fine!
You can call me dad! Or else,
I won't recognize you as my son!
Why didn't you tell us anything?
Were you raised by wolves?
Did we really have to find out
from a stranger?
Bogdan, we're a family.
We should tell each other everything.
We've never had any secrets
in our family, you know.
We told each other everything.
Well, except for the important stuff.
That's personal, you know.
How can you do this to me?
I was about to ask you the same thing.
I gave you everything,
including my virginity.
Did I tell you
the story about the turkey?
- Well, Mr. Pintesteanu, this story is...
- Budisteanu!
- What did I say?
- Ttrsanu.
Where's the steak?
- What steak?
- The one that was in the fridge.
I cooked it,
what was I supposed to...
See here, so... the turkey...
that Ana cooked... so then...
I told her...
Honey, who taught you...
to cook so good...
Thank God he's shutting up.
Keep talking, I'll catch up...
- Can you believe these people?
- I guess he likes joking around.
- I think we should go home.
- I got a joke for ya...
A guy walks into a bar...
Dad... Dad!
What the fuck?!
So here's the plan...
Good evening, gentlemen!
Please accept this welcome gift.
Do you have the stuff?
The sandman says hi!
Team Alpha sets the targets.
Once confirmed, team Beta
deactivates all security devices.
Our Moldavian mercenary pals will
infiltrate the premises at this time.
You come in through the back
and help us out a bit, OK?
The coast is clear.
And we take care of our target,
namely the canine beast.
The steak! I'm gonna kill you
if I get out of here alive.
It's not my fault.
For the dog!
If that doesn't work, there's plan B.
Wow, dude,
I had no idea you were this good.
Sweet dreams
and thank you for the investment!
Woman asleep, by Iorgulescu.
Woman asleep.
These statuettes look like they're from...
the 18th century at least.
In fact, it's 16th-century art.
- What, for this ugly bitch?!
Take it, bro! You won't find
art at such a bargain.
Well, if it's art, you say...
3,000! Tops!
-10,000 is a more reasonable price...
- I call the shots around here.
- All right.
- We'll see about that.
- Wall lamp: 1,000.
- We'll take it.
- Great!
- Wall lamp, 1,000.
- These two come as a set: 1,200!
- Yeah, sure!
There's some from Picasso too!
They have paintings
with a pig's ass, huh?
Yes, with a pig's ass...
A pig's ass...
Yeah, now that's what I'm talking about.
I like these big ones...
Big paintings have big prices,
you know...
We'll see about that!
Let's not be too hasty, fellas! Do
you know who this house belongs to?
This one's a talking statue!
How much is this one?
- No! No people for sale!
- Free of charge, right?
- Turnip, take Nikita here to the truck.
For personal use, you know.
We'll see.
Pleasure doing business with you,
We'll split it in half, of course.
Minus expenses, bro.
Of course.
We Transnistrians have a saying.
Beware of Romanians.
But you guys
are pretty upright businesspeople.
Let's go, Turnip!
A bonus
for the best three buddies ever.
Where did you steal these from?
Steal?! Who, me?
I found them in a drawer.
They were begging me to take them.
- And you had to take them?
- Damn right!
We're upright Romanians alright,
but we ain't their bitches.
No fucking way!
Alright, is this all your stuff?
I've got a little something
I need to add.
For real?
Skilled... Enduring...
Are you OK?
Every man I've been with
has humiliated me.
None of them ever loved me.
Have you loved any of them?
Then why do you care?
We'll always be there for you
and if any jerk ever tries to hurt you,
we'll show him!
I lost the easiest bet ever!
I love you guys!
I love you too!
Me too!
To live honestly...
you have to know how to steal, man.
Yeah, that's us.
We got it all.
I got the money and I got the girl.
Ana's riding this guy's rocket tonight!
You're going with Roxi
on a cruise trip.
But I don't have Roxi anymore.
Don't worry, man,
there are plenty of Roxis out there.
Stop here, at the flower shop,
We'll stop near our place.
I want this one and I want this Roxi!
What's your problem?
This is where I bought the first bouquet
I ever gave her, OK?
we've stopped.
I should get out then.
What are we gonna do with this stuff?
We could stack them together
and auction them...
This one's a real business woman,
isn't she?!
- Roxi!
- Oh, come on, knock it off!
Bet you don't have the guts
to try it on.
These go with that one over there.
Put them together.
With the money we make,
we're gonna go to... Ibiza!
That'd be awesome!
If we're ever gonna make
that much money.
What's this?
Ana, it's her journal!
The Complete Idiot's Guide to Love!
No way!
I wrote about
almost everyone in there!
Even the history teacher?!
No, you didn't!
We sold the journal for 5,000!
- No way!
- I can't believe this!
We leave right now!
Ana, you're in charge of buying plane
tickets on that relic phone of yours.
Ana, what are we gonna do with you?!
What's this? Does this look like
a damn concert hall to you?
What's with all this racket
in my own patio? Have you boys lost it?
- Good morning!
- I'll be right there, son!
Come on, come in!
Make yourselves at home!
I'm getting married!
Hey you! Get your ass over here.
What's the deal with all this racket?
I'm here to ask for your daughter's
hand in marriage... again.
Will you give her to him or should I?
I will because this lad's gonna
be coming here every day.
Get over here!
- This is it.
- Good, great!
Hey, you, Vienna Philharmonic! Note
down your repertoire. Everything's set?
Father? Where are you?
Father, do a nice ceremony,
but we'll talk money later, alright?
- Ceci, get the girls!
- In a minute!
It's fine! Congratulations to everyone.
We have food, drinks...
The girls aren't here.
They didn't spend the night at home.
As usual!
Don't worry, guys. I'll take care of this.
They don't always spend the night at home,
but I'll get them for you.
Come on, say something
for our Facebook fans!
I don't have a Facebook account
anymore, but I'll post on Yasmine's.
- Oh, fuck, Magi's calling me.
- No, no guys!
We're gonna buy ourselves
some Schengen bikinis!
She's going to Ibiza...
It's over.
We go after her!
With that bus over there!
Why didn't I think of that?
Please, come on,
can't you drive any faster?
Faster, come on!
- Faster, come on!
- We'll get there, calm down!
Man, I can't wait to taste
one of those brownies.
Ceci, pass me one of those, will ya?
Later, not now!
Ceci, if you don't give me one now,
I'm leaving the wheel
and getting one myself!
I don't have them right now!
Close call, huh?
Hold on tight!
I love you!
I love you too!
Get down!
Everybody on the ground!
Get down now!
Get down!
Everybody get your IDs
ready to be checked
and take everything
out of your pockets!
What about that other girl?
The one with the perfume.
There is no other girl.
That was Mihai and his girlfriend.
I was selling perfumes to save up
for a trip around the world,
like you always wanted.
I can spend
the rest of my life with you.
Maybe this will shut you two up!
Everybody against the wall!
I've been thinking about it
and maybe you're right.
If you want us to get married,
then let's get married.
You humiliated me
in front of everyone.
I need to focus on me,
not on being your girlfriend.
I don't understand what's happening.
Me neither, dude.
Your name is Yasmine,
you live in Primverii,
your parents are filthy rich and
you have a thing for history teachers.
Let's play a game.
If I win, we get married.
No more games.
Let's just love each other.
It's that simple.
Seeing that you're the hot shot
around here,
I have something to ask you.
Roxana, do you take George
to be your husband?
Yes, I do.
Yes, I do.