Semi-Tough (1977) Movie Script
1
mgm home entertainment
Score is tied, 14-14.
We're in the closing seconds.
Paul, Miami came into this ball game
knowing they'd need a victory
to get into the play-offs
with a wild-card berth.
Here we go again.
Miami won the last 3
games in the last play.
They'll cause you cardiac arrest
watching them.
They need a score from 40 yards away.
This could go into sudden death.
Miami will give it
their best shot right now.
They've been an unpredictable
football team,
and here they come, out of the huddle.
Seconds are ticking off.
Hose Manning, the quarterback,
he's calling starting signals,
waiting for the snap.
Handoff to Billy Clyde Puckett,
and here's the ball in the air!
In the end zone for a touchdown!
Unbelievable, Lindsey.
Billy Clyde Puckett
hasn't thrown the ball that much.
He's only thrown 3 or 4
passes in 13 years.
Fans are trying to get out
of the stands and on the field!
They're breaking loose
and coming out there.
They have a conversion attempt coming,
but they'll have trouble
getting order restored
in order to try the extra point.
They'll never get it off.
I think you're right.
Miami is in the play-offs
as the wild card.
They'll be playing green bay next week.
Unreal.
Don't you think we ought
to have a little invocation,
a little prayer to thank the lord
for getting us
into the play-offs?
Showers! Tutti frutti coaches!
In the showers!
Hey, all right?
I thought I told you to buy the domestic.
Yes, Mr. bookman.
That's what I did.
I changed the labels is all.
That's good thinking, hooper.
Anything left over, you can keep.
Hell of a pass, Billy Clyde!
I thought so.
Supposed to run the ball.
Legs were tired.
Nice pass, b.C.
Sylvia?
Monica. Going after
the bottoms tonight.
It was a slow-motion
dream sequence.
Everything was
semi-frozen in time,
moving like surreal dancers
in some cosmic fantasy.
It was like there was time in that moment
to look at everything...
There was time to experience
every detail in a tapestry.
It was...
Are we going to get laid tonight?
Probably.
That's not fair, man!
How does it feel your first
year in American football
getting into the play-offs?
Hey!
Hey, wait a minute!
Hey, homeboy!
Homeboy?
Fellas, I'm sure you're all happy
that we made it
to the play-offs.
Don't you want to pray with me?
You got my leg hurting, man.
My blood's stopped circulating!
If I don't miss my guess,
you're getting darker
every time you catch the ball.
In fact, you look darker now
than before the game.
It's true. I'm getting this urge
to tap-dance
and play the saxophone.
OK, guys. I give.
You got me. What can I say?
Come on, now.
You guys making me mad now!
There she is.
You know that somebody
gave this to me in Africa?
She's jerking them out of their shoes.
Where'd you get this?
I got this at neiman's
a couple years ago.
It cost about $3,000.
I spend all my money in the U.S.
You have any proof that you took it out?
It has no label.
That's very peculiar.
Usually neiman's has big labels there.
It must have come off at the cleaners.
Shit-heads!
Jesus Christ!
Hi there.
Hi there.
That pisses me off!
America is the only country in the world
that treats its citizens
like they were crooks.
They make me so fucking mad.
You make yourself mad.
It's got nothing to do with them.
What is that on your face?
It's hair.!
It's real cute.
Don't you think it's cute?
Excuse me, bud mcnair.
I met bud on the plane.
I offered him a ride into town.
They're what I told you about.
Your best friends.
Says a lot about me.
This here's Billy Clyde Puckett
and shake tiller.
Pleased to meet you.
I have to confess, Billy Clyde,
I was hesitant at first.
We've never published any sports books.
Nobel-prize winners
are more our line.
Had 6 of them, you know.
We're an old house. You
could say distinguished.
Great-grandfather
started the firm
right after the civil war
with the help of Oliver Wendell Holmes.
Who'd he play for?
Boston.
Yeah.
But Barbara Jane convinced me
your book would be different.
A look at football no one's ever seen.
You know... the truth.
Nobody's told the truth.
But no sensationalism.
Nothing cheap. We're not
that kind of house.
We want the real truth, Billy Clyde.
Like what drugs the players take,
how games are really fixed,
the influence of the mafia.
You mean the real, real truth.
Exactly.
We know that there are
gay football players,
but who do they like to do it with?
And are there more homosexuals
on the offense or defense?
Defense. Really?
You can use your hands on defense.
It gives you a better chance
to grope somebody.
This is exactly what we're looking for.
You were right about him, Barbara Jane.
I know.
How about spooks and spics?
No. No.
The reading public's bored with that.
Orgies?
Within the bounds of good taste.
What kind of orgies?
What kind you want?
We got your postgame orgies,
your pregame orgies.
You mean before a game?
Sure. That's how we get loose.
How do you think we beat Baltimore?
Nothing like an orgy to loosen you up.
Shake there is all orgied out.
No question.
No question. And Barbara Jane,
she just loves them.
Shut up.
She never missed one yet.
What about your fish costume?
OK, fellas. OK.
I know when I'm being put on.
I know what you think
of me... an intellectual.
I'm sure when you divide the world up,
you put jocks on one side
and everybody else on the other.
But let me tell you something.
Intellectuals are the jocks of the mind.
The life of the intellect
is just as tough as the life of the body.
You have to be just as mean with an idea
as you do with a football.
You love football... Great.
I love words, books, ideas.
And I know that
a well-turned phrase
is just as valuable, just as beautiful,
and just as important
as a well-thrown pass.
Well...
I think I owe you an apology.
We just got off on the wrong foot.
You are wrong about one thing, though.
We don't love football that much.
You don't?
We just like takin' showers with niggers.
Would you drop him over
to the racket club?
Don't you think he's getting better?
A year ago, he would have
insulted that man.
You won't be in football forever.
What did you do to him on the plane?
Join the mile-high club?
You know what you are?
You're deliberately perverse.
Is that good?
No. Gene autry...
Who listens to gene autry?
I do.
You're also retarded.
Where's the bearskin rug?
T.J. Lambert's got it.
He had it.
There was a stewardess
on it the other night.
He rolled her up like
a burrito and took off.
I heard he ate the rug, too.
I guess I'm home.
Would you quit acting like a landlady?
I am the landlady.
In the immortal words of gene autry,
"if you don't care to love me,
I wish you'd leave me alone."
A-19, b.C. Puckett here.
The one and only.
Read them off, my darling.
Barbara Jean... right.
Ann laller...
Is this all you've been eating?
Mary Alice...
We eat spaghetti and stew.
I know the kind of stew you eat.
Tasty, but not nourishing.
Well, leave her this message...
Tell her I had a vasectomy,
and it's impossible.
You guys cleaned up your act!
Keeping the garbage here on the terrace
instead of throwing it in the bay.
Hey, leave that alone.
We've got a cleaning lady.
By the year?
Put that stuff in my room.
I can't wait till she sees the bathroom.
You took these in Africa?
Yep. That's my
African portfolio.
You can put it here
with my Greek portfolio.
What kind of tree is this?
That's not a tree.
That's a giraffe.
See?
He got behind the tree before I focused.
I didn't know you liked trees so much.
I don't. I just take
lousy pictures.
They're good pictures of trees.
I wasn't taking pictures
of trees. Animals.
Well, you took pictures of trees.
Yeah, because I'm a lousy photographer.
No. Because you chose
to take pictures of trees.
Shake, what is going on with you?
I'll tell you.
He's found himself.
I didn't know he was lost.
Want to play liar's poker for 20?
You can't afford to lose that much.
I've been practicing.
Pair of 4s.
Three 8s.
Four 9s.
My intention wasn't
to take pictures of trees.
The reason...
Reasons... bullshit.
Four 10s.
Actions what counts.
All the rest is theory time.
It's bullshit.
The only reality...
There aren't that
many zeros in two bills.
Not what you've done or hope you'll do.
The minute you start
talking about reasons,
you start labeling,
and labels are just screens
between you and what you're really doing.
You understand what he said?
You're labeling screens.
That's not it.
Right?
You're hung-up with pictures
you wanted to take.
You're hung-up.
I understood that.
Good. Four 10s to you.
I wanted to take pictures of animals!
These are great pictures.
Of trees.
Great pictures of trees.
Stay the fuck out of this.
Four 10s.
Five 9s.
Why can't you just accept what you did?
I think you're bluffing.
Five 9s is a lot.
Don't you see?
I wanted to take pictures...
Forget what you wanted to do.
Look at what you did.
There's a million things you didn't do.
You didn't take pictures of studebakers.
You're not bad at animals,
you're just good at trees.
I'll just call your bluff.
They're not bad.
I mean, for trees.
They're beautiful.
You found yourself? For real?
Well, what's real?
Shit.
When you play my kind of game,
you need more than just
a few hours protection,
you need all-day protection.
That's what mitchum brings you...
24 hours a day.
Cut!
Cut... Don't print that.
Shellac your armpits.
Lower the sheet.
Get a little more
of what they're paying for.
Down lower.
Take this off, will you?
Farm workers can't afford mitchum.
I'll hold it.
There you go.
He's a real bucket of chuckles, isn't he?
You need one of these commercials.
I wish I had one of these
when I did my commercial.
Hello. How are you?
Don't do that.
These people have work to do.
Behave!
Do I have to stop?
What's the matter with you?
I really am sorry.
Get out of here!
Hooper, let go of my leg!
Let go of my leg!
Let's do it again right away.
Let's get a rehearsal.
Hooper, why don't you get me
a commercial like that?
You're identified with the wrong product.
He'll be all right
once they start rolling.
If you don't fuck him up.
I'm trying to help.
I have experience.
You did one commercial, Billy Clyde.
That's experience.
You call that experience?
For condoms?
It was a good product.
"Come on, boys, stick it in.
It won't pinch.
It's paper thin."
That's exactly what I'm talking about.
Do you understand?
It wasn't even network, it was cable.
Narrow little minds.
They wouldn't put it
on national television.
It's not my fault.
Mitchum spot. Take 3. Mark.
All right. Relate to the bottle.
All you care about
is fucking and football,
in that order.
Playing my kind of game,
you need more than a mouthwash.
You need a prefrontal lobotomy.
You'd diddle an alligator
if somebody drained the pond.
Don't drain the pond.
I'm going to put this here.
Relate to this one.
I know this isn't fun.
I'm under a lot of pressure, too.
You got your responsibility,
and I got mine.
Thanks. And act like
you smell good.
OK, ready for rehearsal.
Fuck warm mud if they held it.
And action!
I haven't used a deodorant today.
I may not again tomorrow,
because I use mitchum,
the long-lasting...
Cut! Cut!
Shake, stop it. Stop it.
Cut it!
Mitchum.
I ain't an old-fashioned parent.
Your mama died.
I read them books.
You've been raised liberal, Barbara Jane.
So it ain't just you
gettin' married so much...
Twice.
How come you paying alimony?
I wanted out. It seemed fair.
Comes to money,
sticking it in the other fella's gizzard,
that's fair.
And stop living with
Billy Clyde and shake.
What crazy notion took you?
We're in the play-offs now.
We're in the spotlight of publicity.
It don't look right,
my daughter living with my players.
I'm not sleeping with them.
That's what I mean.
It ain't normal.
You're a grown woman, Barbara Jane.
How you think it looks...
You living with them and not doing it?
Folks will think you all a passel of...
I don't know...
Whatever they call them.
Friends.
It's goddamn unnatural.
Alvin!
Way to go! Way to go!
Yes, sir?
I got a new play for you to put in.
It come to me in the middle of the night.
A new play, sir?
Yeah.
Right now, sir?
Sure.
Think I could have been adopted?
Maybe I was switched in my crib
at the hospital.
You let your hair grow.
You let your hair grow.
Yeah. You did, too.
I like it.
Go for this one.
You still throw like a girl.
You caught it.
I'm catching almost everything now.
Man.
Well, you always did.
No. There was a time
early in the season,
I was dropping everything.
It got real serious.
Then I went to b.E.A.T.
Went to beat who?
Bismark energy attack training.
I read about that.
It helps you get your head together,
teaches you to live in the present.
Friedrich's a hell of a teacher.
Friedrich?
Friedrich bismark, he founded it.
He's something else.
What else?
I don't know.
It's hard to describe.
He just knows.
Knows what?
He knows.
What?
There's lots of people
getting into that stuff,
and not just fucked-up people.
Like movie actors and rock stars.
People like... What's his name?
John Denver,
Valerie Harper, Joe namath.
Makes you feel better?
You've got gray in it.
What's that goddamn commie
doing out of uniform?
Where do you think you are, boy?
You think you're here for detente?
All right, boys, that's it!
This here is practice!
You on this team,
you practice like
every other son of a bitch.
Hell of a kick.
Howdy.
OK, where y'all want
to go feeding tonight?
How about that new French restaurant?
I'm taking her to
a consciousness seminar.
What the hell you want to go to that for?
I want to know what it's about.
It's about 48 hours long.
You can't piss for the first 12.
We do worry about
each other, Billy Clyde.
See you later.
You fellas mind if I come in here?
Slide right in here, darlin'.
Hello. Hello. Hello.
Come here, you little rascal.
Brought you a little something.
I just been waiting for you.
Excuse me.
Fasten your seat belt, please.
Your seat belt.
You got anything cool in there?
Are you OK?
I'll be OK.
I'm one of those
white-knuckle flyers.
I just fall apart
like a $2.00 suit.
Can I get you a drink?
Ever since my helicopter
went down in Vietnam.
Your helicopter went down?
I don't want to talk about it, though.
I'll be all right. I'll be OK.
Would it be all right...
I know it's an imposition...
If I went in the back and sit with you?
Because I need somebody to talk to.
I know you're not allowed.
I'll be fired.
Thank you very much.
This would look good
if we weren't going somewhere cold.
I'm more nervous than you.
Boy.
905... 903.
We're right next door, darlin'.
Sure you don't want to
bring some more luggage?
You'll be here over 24 hours.
Why, Barbara Jane bookman,
as I live and breathe.
Marvin tiller, whatever are you doing
in this fancy hotel?
I'm going to have another
drink. How about you?
I'm going to bed.
It's the shank of the evening.
I've got a big game to watch tomorrow.
I'll stack up a few zs myself.
It ain't even curfew.
Captain, take care of the ship.
Good night.
I'll get... I'll get the check.
Billy Clyde! Billy Clyde!
Come here, man.
I want you to meet
an admirer from the gridiron.
Billy Clyde Puckett,
earlene ever-ready.
Her battery never runs out.
Earlene's looking for some action.
She ain't findin' it here.
I thought you football players
were supposed to be manly.
Look at him just sitting there.
He's big, but he ain't manly.
Don't come near me
till you brush your teeth!
Come on, kids. How about that?
You do have a tiny ass.
I mean, your ass is tiny!
Did you ever see such a tiny ass?
Tiny ass! Look!
Baby!
Earlene, you darling, you.
I really would like to.
I really would.
I'm afraid once you and I got started,
I'm liable to fall in there
and be gone for days.
Beautiful, baby!
Hey, you lost!
B.J.!
Leave the key in the door
for me or the janitor?
B.J.?
And why not?
Because we got a game to play.
I know you ain't played
in the last 3 games.
They roll the sidewalks up early.
Get up, man.
I'll sleep on the roof.
I ain't gonna sleep here.
Come on, man. It's getting late.
We've got a game to play tomorrow.
You cannot drink all night.
Hi, guys.
What do you say, b.C.?
Couldn't sleep.
Thought a couple beers might help.
Come up to the room with us and drink.
I don't want to drink in the room.
You don't give up, do you?
You wouldn't like me if I did.
Buy you a drink?
Thanks for nothing.
I got a drink.
I'll buy you another drink.
Can we have 2 more of the same here?
Sure, but it's 10 minutes till closing.
The thing is,
you don't understand
about football players,
especially the night before the big game.
I understand plenty.
See, they take it out on everybody.
They make other people
like the opposing team,
and they're usually a little bit scared
of the opposing team,
so they try to make people
the opposite of what they are.
What are you talking about?
Well, you see, the other
team's big and strong,
so we make them weak
and small in our head.
Make them the opposite of what they are,
and then it seems to be...
All right.
What's that got to do...
That's what I did with you.
I mean, you're big...
Big and sexy,
sexy and big.
So what I did was
I made you the opposite of that.
I... i... I changed you around,
like I would the opposing team.
Is that what you did?
You know what?
Big women turn me on.
I mean, it isn't just a physical thing.
I mean, big women...
Have big feelings...
As opposed to little women
who have small feelings.
There's nothing sexier in the world
than a woman who knows
she's a real woman.
What are you looking for?
Nothing.
Where is your room?
At the end of the hall.
At the end of the hall?
Yep.
Is the whole team there?
Come on.
This is some setup. I...
I got to go, I think.
I tell you what.
If you don't want to
do nothing, we won't, OK?
OK.
Nobody in the bathroom.
Nobody under the bed.
No football players anywhere.
Are you kinky?
Those ain't mine.
Those are Barbara Jane's.
See, I ex...
Exchanged rooms with...
A friend of mine, OK?
Come here.
You're laughing.
I ain't laughin'. I'm smilin'.
Are you sure this isn't some kind of a...
You know...
You're going to go tell the guys?
I just smile all the time
when I feel good.
I'm like a cheshire cat.
When I feel good, I just smile.
You must feel good.
Well...
Don't you want to...
Turn off the light?
Why? We ain't got
nothin' to hide.
Turn off the light.
Kill him!
Break his ass!
OK, boys!
Supper's ready!
Billy Clyde, food's on!
Shake?
That doesn't look very comfortable.
Christ! Don't stop now!
Come on, buddy.
Get it while it's hot.
It is hot.
Supper's ready, Billy Clyde.
You eat. I ain't hungry.
What's the matter?
You feeling poorly?
No. I feel fine.
Now, last time you weren't hungry
was in 10th grade when you had measles.
No. I never felt better.
I've just got work to do.
What kind of work?
I'm writing a book.
Are you sure you feel all right?
I'll eat something later.
Now, how come you changed your mind?
You were right about one thing.
There comes a point
when a man must think of something
other than fucking and football.
I don't think you've reached that time.
Supper's cold.
He says he'll write that book.
Terrific.
You don't believe him.
Do you?
How about if I have hooper
put out a press release?
Fine, if it ain't embarrassin'.
I ain't no nobel-prize winner.
You know what we could do?
I could write a contract
and tie advances to games.
We'd get so much if we beat Denver,
you'd get more for the super bowl.
That is worth a movie sale.
You'd be semi-rich
and go on talk shows.
I ain't doin' this for money.
I'm writing this book from here,
where real books come from.
Save you some supper.
Keep on dancing.
They're still paying gene for that song.
Charlie, where did you find this?
They're freezing
to death in the big "d."
What do you think?
Pure dirty leg.
Lower.
What do you think, b.J.?
3. She's a head cold.
There's a 7.
The one in red?
Yeah.
She looks semi-rich.
Son!
There's some woman might be a 9.
Where's a 9?
You're the only 9.
8 1/2.
Ain't no 10s.
Don't start that shit again.
You're close, honey, but you ain't no 10.
Damn sure am.
Ain't no 10s.
You thought Emily kirkland was one.
She and her sister together were.
It's a question of responsibility, Roger.
If you can't open the ballrooms
an hour before training begins,
maybe you could suggest someone
to assume that responsibility.
OK, Roger?
Shake!
Friedrich.
Barbara Jane bookman, friedrich bismark.
I'll get back to you.
It's really nice to meet you.
Great game in green bay.
How did you do that?
Just did it.
Get that, Andrew.
I've told her about b.E.A.T.
Don't look for any answers.
I don't know the questions.
There aren't any.
That's why there aren't any answers.
Look at that Turkey!
What the fuck do you think you're doing?
Que pasa?
T.J., pull that girl back!
We got a game Sunday.
Hooper!
Ain't I got a helicopter?
Right over there.
Reel her in.
She's not a fish.
Hooper, get the mattress.
T.J. Ain't got
the Christmas spirit.
Quick! Play something!
You're not going to do a goddamn thing?
I sent shake up there.
No! You big Turkey!
Let me down!
No! No! No! Don't let me down!
Bring me up!
What will you do with her?
I don't know.
You taught her a lesson.
Why not bring her back up?
No! No! She'll
scratch and bite me.
I won't! I won't!
Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit.
You better drop her, then.
Yeah? You think so?
What do you want to do?
I don't know.
If I drop her,
folks are going to be mad at me.
No!
But if I pull her back,
they're going to laugh at me.
I don't like people
laughing at me, shake.
Screw them. Let's find out
what you want to do,
then do it.
Drop her?
Whatever you choose.
As long as it's your choice,
it's going to be right
because you're perfect.
You really think I'm perfect?
Hell, I know you're perfect.
No matter what I do?
No matter what.
Come up here, you noisy thing.
Hang on.
Unfucking believable.
Well, i...
I sent shake up there to help, you know.
The way he did it, he was so...
God, he was so positive.
He really knew what he was doing.
I've got to get back to writing my book.
A writer can't be
partying around like this.
I never saw anything like it...
A writer has to be dedicated to his work,
write a lot.
Hey, seor!
Get through with that shit,
and give these people
something to dance to.
Folks, this will be a party
till the sun goes down!
That's more like it!
Shake.
That was magnificent.
Now, I really mean it.
I'd like you to consider
becoming a b.E.A.T. Trainer
for me someday...
When you're finished
with football, of course.
Have you seen Billy Clyde?
Going to the house.
Put that beard back on.
I keep swallowing hair.
Santa claus wears a beard.
When he in action.
Now Santa claus eating ribs.
When he eat ribs, he don't wear no beard.
That's what you gotta
learn about Santa claus.
Excuse me.
Have you seen Billy Clyde?
Try the second door on the left, there.
Try another one.
Billy Clyde, I want to talk to you.
Didn't anyone ever tell you
that a writer needs privacy?
Are you writing what
just happened with t.J.?
It certainly was a colorful incident.
Is he doing it again?
No. You know,
it's not exactly the image of the team
we'd like presented.
I'm a team man all the way, pooper.
Positive things... that's what
people want to read about...
Big Ed's life, for example.
I won't leave big ed out of the book.
Then we don't have to worry, do we?
There's nothing to worry about.
I'm really glad we had
this talk. I really am.
I am, too, Phillip.
Phillip, you know where to find me.
T.J. Was holding this girl
upside down,
40 feet off the ground...
Which t.J. Lambert
has a habit of doing
when young girls take unkindly
to the semi-unmentionable things
t.J. Likes doing to them.
Shit and shove it under the door.
It's us, Billy Clyde.
Damn. Good thing I'm
just writing a book.
What's wrong with her?
She's happy.
Happy?
I've never been happier.
Last time you never were
happier was... Fuck.
No.
Yeah.
You getting married?
Yeah.
To each other?
Yeah.
We wanted you to be first to know.
Why?
Because we love you
more than anyone else.
But why are you getting married?
Did she knock you up?
We're in love, Billy Clyde.
But why are you getting married?
I don't know.
This time it's different.
I said that the other times, too,
but you've got to believe me.
It's like...
I don't know how to say it.
It's like...
It's like shake's what
I've been waiting for
all my life!
He's been there all the time...
Just like you.
We figured we'd do it
right after the super bowl.
We've got to beat Denver first.
I can take b.E.A.T.
Before we're married.
You only need a blood test.
We might get friedrich
to marry us. He's ordained.
Go shit in your hat!
Big Ed's bio.
Thought it might be helpful.
I want you to be my best man.
And give me away.
You can't do both, can you?
Big ed can give me away.
He's used to it.
I guess we'd better go tell him?
Be happy with me, Billy Clyde.
It's still one for all and all for one?
Semper fidelis.
T.J. Lambert was born...
Semi... Mean.
Shit.
It's like...
It's like shake's
what I've been waiting for
all my life!
Mr. bookman will be
with you in a minute.
That son of a bitch calls again,
I won't talk to him.
If he don't honor the deal,
he can eat my shorts.
Goddamn country is going to the dogs.
Used to be a handshake was good enough.
Billy Clyde, get down here
before I get a crick in my neck.
Time was, this country was pure.
There was people you could look up to.
Lombardi, MacArthur...
J. Edgar hoover.
Gene autry.
I'm a hard man, Billy Clyde,
but I hear that man sing
silver-haired daddy of
mine, and I confess,
these old eyes fill up and tear out.
Gold mine in the sky does it to me.
Yeah, god.
Makes you understand
what's important in life.
Billy Clyde, did you
crawl when you was a kid?
I don't rightly remember, big ed.
Well, do you remember
creeping before you walked?
Not exactly.
Well, that's what I thought.
That's why you're gettin'
pulled down on that end sweep.
Your rear space ain't protected.
I'm just off my feed a little bit.
You've been that way all week.
Before I took movagenics,
I would have figured like you...
I was off my feed, slowed down a tad.
I'm just as fast as ever, big ed.
It comes back to...
You didn't crawl and creep.
You took off and walked.
Now there's trouble with your back space.
Big ed, if you don't mind my asking,
what the fuck are you doing?
It happened to me awhile back.
I started feeling slowed down, peaked.
Almost got hoodwinked
on a couple of big deals.
Thank god I found movagenics.
Who?
What I'm doing is movagenics.
The best thing that ever happened to me.
It looks like crawling to me.
No.
This ain't crawlin'.
This is creeping.
This is crawling.
Yeah.
Of course, I don't do it in public.
The average run of people
wouldn't understand.
Billy Clyde, you know
old h.I. Hunt himself
creeped for 6 full years before he died?
Big ed, I ain't in any trouble.
You're out of line
with gravity, Billy Clyde.
That's your trouble.
Now, a man gets born,
the natural way is to
start crawling and creeping
as soon as he can.
He gets himself back
in line with gravity.
You get that settled,
you're ready to walk,
ready to move forward
with the safe knowledge
he's protected on all sides,
including the backside.
You're without that knowledge.
You're sure as shit going
through life unprotected,
unhappy, and unhelpful to your team.
You want me to start
creeping or crawling?
You ain't got the time.
Got a big game Sunday.
Nobody can creep or crawl himself
into line with gravity before then.
No. We got to go on
to emergency measures.
How about humping?
You are going to get pelfed.
Not this Billy Clyde Puckett.
You don't even know what it is.
I don't like the way it sounds.
Billy Clyde, take your pick...
You're going to get fined,
or you're going to get pelfed.
I'm going to get pelfed.
Fuck.
You are having trouble, no?
No.
Take off your clothes.
Clara pelf will tell you
if you're having trouble.
Pants, belt, shoes.
You have your shoes on. Shoes.
Hurry up. We have
only 30 minutes.
Leave on the underwear.
You are having trouble.
Lie down on the table.
On your belly.
You understand pelfing, no?
Nope.
You will find out.
I'm not sure I want to.
You're going to.
Head down.
Pelfing rebalances the body...
By moving the tissues around the muscles
so the muscles are once again free.
There's nothing wrong with my muscles.
Your muscles are disgusting...
Big, lumpy, typical athlete's muscles.
Phooey!
Now, this hurts?
Yes.
You think, "this crazy lady's
killing me," no?
Right.
Wrong. The pain
is coming from you...
Not from me.
I do only the moving.
Roll over.
Right.
Take a deep breath.
Very good.
You feel lighter in
the chest already, no?
No.
You're still resisting.
Relax.
Breath in... And out.
Good.
Scream if you want.
Release the emotion.
If I scream, will you stop?
No.
There is no movement
without pain!
You hated your father, no?
No!
Your mother?
Do you have sexual problems?
No.
You're resisting.
All American men have sexual problems.
Relax.
Open your mouth.
No.
Open your mouth!
Lift up the tongue.
Why?
You'll find out.
Very good. Now you can get up.
Can I go home now?
No, no, no.
My god!
No!
I remember that from the army.
You're not going to do that...
This is for the nose.
For the nose?
The inside of the nose
is the reflection of the personality.!
Listen to me. Listen to me.
I will do anything you want
if you don't do this to me.
You understand what I'm saying?
I will do anything you want.
But we just started.
Shit!
Getting pelfed once
ain't gonna do you any good.
You've got to go 10 times
if you want the full benefit.
I wouldn't send hooper to see that woman.
You'll learn to dig it.
I found kinks I never knew I had.
God. You get off on anything.
Good buddy, since you like it,
I'll give you my last 9 treatments
as a wedding present.
I don't know. Maybe
there won't be no wedding.
What?
To tell you the truth,
I'm getting kind of worried
about Barbara Jane.
Wear a cup over your jock.
Maybe she's moving too
fast for her own good.
She's only been here 2 weeks.
You've known her all your life.
It was different before.
There was nothing on the line.
I'm just not sure she
knows what she's doing.
Barbara Jane's...
Jeez. Barbara Jane's
like a little kid.
She sees something she wants,
whamo! She just grabs it.
Be glad she grabbed you,
for Christ's sake.
I'm glad, but that's not the point.
Suppose she's just doing the same thing
she did before.
I mean, forget about me.
I'm worried about Barbara Jane.
She can be hurt.
This is the largest we have.
Goddamn!
What kind of neck is this?
We'll special order all the collars.
How come you couldn't
have an informal wedding?
With big ed, you go first class.
Till contract time.
Who says clothes don't make the man?
That's a well-dressed
phone booth.
This ain't no Usher's suit.
Sure it is, t.J.
Shit, no! You can't
bullshit this country boy.
We never wore nothing like this
when I was ushering at the picture show.
Goddamn!
What did you wear? A sheet?
We can solve your problem.
Why can't we wear a pink one like that?
You've got too athletic a body.
It's big, and it's lumpy.
It's disgusting.
Are you wearing white?
Why not?
Are you sure it's allowed?
I'm still pure,
as far as you're concerned.
You should have seen the way
I chased after this boy.
He wouldn't even look at me.
I looked.
Never did anything else.
It's nice seeing a couple
that waited for each other.
I know I'm old-fashioned,
but you'll be able
to give each other more.
Now, don't you move, darling.
I have to get more pins.
Shake is worried.
About the game?
Nope.
He's worried that you're doing
one of your numbers again.
He say that?
Yep.
I told him not to worry.
How do you know I'm not?
How do you know you're not?
Shall we play?
I got, 2 deuces.
How come we never fucked?
Didn't we?
Now, I know I have a shaky memory,
but I don't think I would forget that.
After the baylor game, at the deke house.
That was cissy walford.
Are you sure about that?
She couldn't wait to get her pants off.
Cissy walford never wore pants,
never wore panties.
Then it was belinda labada.
Belinda labada?
Lablinda lablada?
Don't you remember her?
I remember her very well.
How could we have such fun
and not sleep together?
I guess we didn't want to spoil the fun.
Don't peek.
OK.
Two 9s.
Three deuces.
Three 9s.
We miss something, Billy Clyde?
Like what?
Not doing it. Did we miss out?
Missed out on a divorce.
You wouldn't have married me.
You never asked me.
Would you have?
Four 9s.
I call.
You don't have any 9s.
Why do I always believe you?
Men!
Men!
Men!
The hunt is over.
Time to piss on the fire
and call in the dogs.
We're champions of our conference,
and because of what you've done for me,
I'm going to do
something special for you.
First class is open to all!
First class is open to all.
We are first-class.
Here goes the end of first class!
Shaker, think dreamer Tatum
is as bad as they say?
I'd say worse.
Wonderful.
Well, I figure he'll probably
take your head off and shit in it.
I plan to spend most of my time
tippytoing out of bounds.
What do you say we get
a couple cheese burgers
and stick 'em down our throat?
Sounds good. B.J.?
You two go. I'm still full.
Watch us. It will be
like a Roman spectacle.
I don't feel like going out.
Well, shake and me will go, then.
I'm just going to get my wallet.
Why don't you just go on without me?
It's OK to be scared.
I'm not scared. I'm just tired.
I was scared the whole
week before I went.
I'd heard all the horror stories
about b.E.A.T.
I'm not scared.
OK.
Ready to go, shake-'em-up?
I just don't want a phony, dressed up,
horse's ass wedding.
We're only doing it for big ed
so he can show off, and
you can show off friedrich.
Getting friedrich to
marry us was your idea.
He doesn't care where we do it.
We could be alone on a mountain top.
Before or after he gets crucified?
I don't mind that kind of wedding.
Well, how about what I feel?
It's what you feel,
and whatever you do about it is fine.
You don't care what I want.
That's your lookout, not mine.
Isn't that pretty fucking selfish?
Of course it is.
How else could I love you?
I'll have a bacon cheeseburger.
Let's all have a cheeseburger.
Hey, b.J. Hey, honey,
wait a minute.
I can't help it
if I think you're perfect
the way you are.
I love you.
I'll go get a shirt.
He really thinks I'm perfect.
Nobody ever thought that before.
You don't think I'm perfect.
I'm just a 9 to you.
Yeah... But a perfect 9.
How come everybody's got pillows?
That's something I forgot
to tell you about,
but it don't matter.
I'll be right here when you come out.
You're more nervous than me.
I'm just happy.
I know what's waiting for you in there.
Assholes!
Assholes!
You're all assholes!
Every one of you!
Your lives don't work!
And you're assholes
because you sit here and pretend they do.
Well, this weekend
we're going to show you
how that shit has gotten you
exactly nowhere.
For the next 48 hours,
you're going to come
face-to-face
with your only problem...
Yourself.
If you think that problem's
going to disappear,
well, then you're bigger
assholes than I think you are.
What will disappear
is your belief in yourself as a problem
because believing, and get this people...
Get this!
Believing is shit!
Being is where it's at.
It's what this weekend is all about,
finding out that you're where it's at.
You. Nobody else.
Finding out that what you are,
all you assholes...
Is perfect.
We gave you a list of rules
when we took your money this morning.
Any of you assholes have any questions?
Wait for the microphone.
Why can't we go to the bathroom?
Because you can't.
Why?
It's a rule.
Why is it a rule?
Because it works.
Why can't we talk to friends?
They're part of your asshole life
that comes between you
and what you have to get rid of.
Any more questions?
What I want from you today
are your soles...
Soles of your feet.
You can be wide-awake
or fast asleep.
If you stay in this room,
you'll get the training.
You'll get it.
What's "it"?
What you get.
How will I know?
You'll know.
Suppose I know I haven't.
That's how you know you have.
Now, you're going to meet someone here,
someone you've never met before...
Yourself,
but before we do that,
I want you to meet the others here.
Really meet them.
Not the way you meet people
outside, like this.
Tom.
Fred.
How's the wife and kids?
Fine.
Good to see you.
Now let's see
what happens when 2 people really meet.
Tom.
Fred.
You see? Tom is now
meeting a person.
Get it?
Now, what I want you to do
is get up, walk around,
meet everyone else.
Don't say anything.
Just meet them and
experience them as a person.
No talking!
You assholes, follow the rules!
And no smiling!
No talking.
Experience the person.
Meet them.
Billy.
Don't say a word.
Just experience me.
Are you getting it?
He had no right firing me.
You wanted to lose the job.
Bullshit! Don't pin it
on your boss.
You got yourself fired, asshole.
How?
You choose what you get.
When will you learn that?
If it happened, you chose it!
When will we get a break?
When you get it.
You're a fascist!
That's what you are!
Your name isn't even friedrich!
It's Irving!
Thank you. I acknowledge that.
Rose.
I want to share something.
I just peed in my pants...
And it feels good!
It does. Thank you.
Now we're going to do something else.
Just relax. Close your eyes.
Keep them closed, and just...
Re... Lax.
Terrific.
I want you to think
of the very first time
you were ever happy.
Very first time.
Now think of the very first time
you ever had ice cream.
Terrific.
Experience it!
Stay in your space!
Go with it!
Just let it go!
That's it. That's it. Let it go.
Go with it. Experience it.
I hate my mother.
Rrr!
I... i hate my father!
Experience it.
Yee!
That's it. That's it.
Let it go.
Go with it. Experience it.
It was just so marvelous!
Hi.
Don't worry about it.
Sometimes it takes awhile
to understand what you got.
Shake, I don't know how to tell you this.
Nothing like this has happened.
You took the training?
Yes, I did.
Why didn't you tell me?
I was trying
to put something over on you.
But something happened to me in there.
I was fighting it,
laughing at it, and then...
It's difficult to say what happened.
You son of a bitch, you got it.
Yes, I did. I got it.
You get it, b.J.?
Well, you were there, where it's at,
so if you didn't get it, you got it.
I want to go home.
Sure.
We're delighted to have
the team captains...
Dreamer Tatum of Dallas
and Miami's Billy Clyde Puckett.
What contrasting teams they are.
Dallas... the most powerful team
for the past decade.
Miami... a team of wild spirits
known for off-field activities
as well as on.
We're lucky to have the man
who personifies that team,
the irrepressible, never
dull, Billy Clyde Puckett.
Billy Clyde, how are you?
Fine, dick, thank you.
I do acknowledge that,
but that was the way I was at one time,
but the Miami team,
and myself being captain,
we have changed considerably
since we got into the super bowl.
As a matter of fact,
the boys aren't out diddling around.
They're very serious about
this game, and I'm reading.
What are you reading?
Walden. I'm reading walden.
Bill walton?
No. Thoreau's walden.
You see, I march
to a different drummer now.
Obviously, he's taking
the game very seriously.
What do you think of Billy Clyde
as a football player, dreamer?
As a football player,
I think Billy Clyde
is a credit to his team.
He's the best running
back in his conference,
and I hope to slow him on Sunday.
I'd like to thank you for that.
Thank me on Sunday, Billy.
I'm afraid I will.
I would like to say that he is the finest
defensive halfback in his league.
You both have great respect
for each other.
Lot of respect. Lot of respect.
Dreamer, who do you think will win?
I believe we're going to win on Sunday.
I'll be kind to him, but we'll win.
Billy Clyde, what do you believe?
You don't change beliefs,
you change believers.
Haven't I heard that before?
Friedrich bismark said that.
Man, you into b.E.A.T.?
Yes, I am. I'm into b.E.A.T.
I just got into it, and
I'm taking it quite seriously.
B.E.A.T. Is sensory
deprivation jive
laid on with zen and shook up.
B.E.A.T. Is out. Pyramid
power is what's in, man.
What's pyramid power?
It's based on the design
of the great pyramid of cheops in Egypt.
Man, it's an energy source
you cannot believe.
You expect to win with b.E.A.T.?
I never heard of pyramid power,
but I'd like to hear more.
There's all kinds of
books on the subject.
Is that what you're wearing?
That's it.
The land of cheops, man.
Settle this Sunday on the football field.
This is a very unusual game.
One of the many unusual features
is the Miami team is owned by a texan
and the team from Dallas
is owned by a father and son
from Newark, New Jersey.
Let's say hello to
the owners of these teams.
Congratulations on getting
to the super bowl.
Congratulations.
Tell me about that.
The next time you're laying some chick,
place the thing under the bed.
Is that for true?
You'll never have energy like that.
What do you think, Billy Clyde?
You did a nice job, t.J.,
except you misspelled it.
S-u-c-k-s... sucks.
You come over here, Billy Clyde.
I spent all afternoon
looking in our apartment
for that walden book.
It's in my locker room
with my other books.
Really?
Yeah.
I'm acting like a lunatic.
Yeah. A little bit,
but everybody does now and then.
I really tried so hard to get it.
Maybe that's why I didn't,
but friedrich said
if you stay in that room,
you're going to get it.
I think you should
look at the bright side.
We're going to win the super bowl.
You're marrying the guy
you've been waiting for all your life.
Yeah.
He makes me feel guilty.
Who does? Shake?
I've never felt guilty
before about anything.
I've certainly felt lousy and ashamed,
and I wished I hadn't done what I did.
You shouldn't put it off on him.
He keeps telling me,
"don't feel guilty."
Tell him not to bring it up.
He doesn't have to put it into words.
He makes me feel it, but you don't.
Different jokes for different folks.
How did you get it, Billy Clyde?
It's almost impossible
to relate to someone else.
It's impossible to tell anybody,
even for a writer like myself.
Now you'll never think I'm perfect.
Wait a minute. Friedrich
says that being perfect
is when you are what you are.
If you aren't, then you aren't.
And b.J., you are what you are,
so therefore you are perfect.
Billy Clyde.
What am I going to do without you?
Am I going somewhere?
No. It won't be the
same without old 22.
You mean you getting married.
You do that all the time, b.J.
You know it's different with shake.
It won't be the same.
Nothing stays the same.
Friedrich say that, too?
No... B.C. Puckett said that.
You seem different since you got it.
Different how?
I don't know. Just...
Different.
Prettier?
Just different.
You'll find tax exemption
makes all the difference.
We're building this condominium
around palm beach.
Wouldn't be possible
without the tax break.
I wouldn't worry about it if I was you.
What?
Not everybody gets it.
She's just trying too hard.
Choo-choo-choo-choo.
What you doing, man?
I'm a train.
No. You ain't a train.
You're carrying a train.
Get it right.
I can give the benediction here,
then bismark will perform
the actual ceremony.
Yes, well, now,
here I'll say something about god.
That's Fred's idea.
I think it's a good idea.
And I'll say something like,
if god told you what you should do,
you'd be happy to do that,
no matter what it was,
and since this is what god wants,
then you're very, very happy.
Then they'll kneel.
No, they won't kneel down.
Mr. bookman, you can sit down,
and Barbara Jane, come up here
on the platform.
Gentlemen, a word with you?
Remember, you'll seat
the guests of the bride on the left,
the groom on the right.
How do we tell which from which?
You ask them.
Supposing they lie?
Now, I think it would be nice, shake,
if you were to say something of your own.
That's hardly liturgical.
It may not be liturgical,
but I think it would be very nice.
This isn't a structured ceremony.
That's right, which is
why it would be nice,
if you want.
Then we'll have some music.
The boys have quite a repertory.
We'll have more music then.
Then communion,
if you decide to receive communion.
That's at their discretion.
Then I think that will wrap it up.
Want them to kneel?
If they want, but it's not important.
Where you are is where it's at.
Quit fuc... fooling
with my money.
Just telling her about
the b.E.A.T. Training.
You full of shit, man.
When you get it, you gotta tell people.
Hey, this is puddin Patterson.
I'm the one that knows
when you zig and when you zag
without turnin' around.
You ain't no more got
b.E.A.T. Then I got fleas.
In the immortal words of gene autry,
"how come you know me so good
when I'm really
a stranger to myself?"
Plus you got a bad case
of Barbara Jane bookman.
I've always had that.
I just didn't know how bad.
Man.
You don't think you're going
to pull this hustle off?
I'm going to give it my best shot.
Hey, why not save your best shot
till the game tomorrow?
That's when we're gonna need it, man.
I'll be there.
Why don't you practice a little kiss?
We'll say this is at
the end of the ceremony.
There you go.
Well, nobody said
it wasn't going to be
semi-tough.
You've been in super bowl dressing rooms
at half time. What's it like?
I was coached by Vince lombardi,
and if we played as poorly as Miami,
I wouldn't go in that dressing room.
Shit!
21 goddamn nothing!
Tutti frutties!
We're nothing but a bunch
of goddamn tutti frutties!
Each one of us are going to stand up
and look into god's eye
and confess to the undeniable fact
that our game plan's
going down the toilet.
Starting the fourth quarter,
the weather is somewhat dismal,
matching Miami's performance.
Many fans have edged toward the exits
to watch the finish on television.
And wondering why they ever left.
We have an official
time-out called on the field
as the injured player is being removed.
Punt team.
Punt team, get in there.
That will be fine.
Yeah. Whatever.
Just leave me alone.
Wait a minute!
Look at the goddamn scoreboard.
We're getting our ass kicked.
If we can't have any laughs...
They're sending in the kicking team.
Did you hear what he said about...
The kicking team is coming on the field.
Hooper, on 4th and 14, you goddamn punt!
Yes, but that's not the punting unit.
They're attempting a field goal.
A field goal?
From 60 yards?
What the hell are we kicking
a field goal for?
Who's kicking a field goal?
We are!
Set!
135!
Hut!
Hut!
A 63-yarder is good.
Ladies and gentlemen,
you have just seen a new
league record in field goals,
64 yards.
Let's give a round of applause
to the field goal kicker, number 7,
vlada kostov!
OK, defense!
You big, tall tutti frutti,
Billy Clyde's going to take this one
straight up your ass.
Time!
What are you telling him the play for?
He's rolling to the right side.
Looks downfield for shake tiller.
The ball is in the air,
and it is good for a
touchdown in the corner!
Come on, guys!
No time to stumble!
You are marrying him!
I'll tell you one thing.
We've got ourselves
a ball game, 21-16,
and Miami has the momentum.
Don't go away, folks.
Shake, ol' buddy,
know what I'm choosing to do?
I'm choosing to win this fucking game.
Manning takes the snap.
He's dropping back, throws...
It is incomplete.
Incomplete. And that
stops the clock
with only 3 seconds remaining.
You ain't gonna let me have it,
are you, lord?
I'm a sinner,
and you're going to fuck me.
3 seconds. Let's go!
Huddle!
48 toss, Billy Clyde, on 2!
It's heavily overcast, the lights are on.
This is the final play of the ball game.
Hose Manning waiting for the snap.
Put the final play into motion.
The pitch is to Puckett.
He's going to score!
Miami wins it!
Go on and do it.
Do it, puddin.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Shake, you mustn't worry
that Barbara Jane hasn't gotten it.
I'm not worried.
People will tell you
mixed marriages don't work,
and it's true because it's so.
Most of them don't.
The truth ain't always what's so.
Exactly. The truth
is also... So what.
We have to look at it that way.
Barbara Jane will get it.
I believe that in my bones.
Sorry. I didn't mean
to say "believe."
It's all right.
Everyone's human.
We all backslide,
get caught up in belief systems.
Friedrich, you must have known
some mixed marriages that have worked,
where one person had it,
and the other one didn't.
Sure. No... that one
didn't work.
I've heard of some.
It doesn't matter.
The most important thing
is that Barbara Jane has her own space.
And she needs a lot of space.
So if you give her her own space,
you'll have her in the palm of your hand.
And you've got a great pair of hands.
Proved that on the field.
You're going to have
the first mixed marriage that works.
There's also the capital gains element,
but you can handle that by setting up
an eleemosynary trust in the Bahamas
and laundering it back
through Switzerland.
Switzerland.
Look at the bright side.
After a year and a half of marriage,
the humping is over.
You get down to your basic friendship.
You and Barbara Jane have
been friends for years.
You're way ahead of the game.
Friedrich doesn't think
she's ever going to get it.
He didn't say that... Exactly.
What do you think?
I'll tell you what I think.
I think b.E.A.T. Is one
of the semi-great things
that I ever took in my life.
I learned how to tell
people things honestly
without worrying about
hurting their feelings,
especially if they've got
their own little space.
They occupy a space
like I occupy my space.
You don't have to worry
about hurting their feelings.
All you have to do
is just let it all hang out.
OK. Let me have it.
I want the truth, Billy Clyde.
So she never gets it,
she's still the same old Barb.
How are you supposed to
share something with somebody
who doesn't even understand
what it is you're supposed to be sharing?
Seems to me you've been
doing all right so far.
Marriage is different.
I acknowledge that.
It's commitment to sharing.
All the time.
Barbara Jane's a girl
that's used to having her own way, shake.
She's got you,
somebody who doesn't mind sharing,
somebody who doesn't mind giving.
All you've got to do
is give her some space.
Barbara Jane needs a whole
piss-pot full of space.
I want to go to India for our honeymoon.
Lot of space there.
She don't want to go.
She'll go, but she don't want to go.
They get that way
when they get to be wives.
Why don't you go to China?
It's close.
When you marry someone,
you want them to want to do
things you want to do, don't you?
Maybe she'd get it if you gave her kids.
Kids? Who said
anything about kids?
God, we don't need any kids now.
I think you should give her kids.
You got to tie her down,
put her on a short leash.
Barbara Jane's got to have
responsibility.
Give her kids, who knows?
Forget about Barbara Jane.
I'm not ready for kids.
All right.
You want to take that chance.
Here comes the bride.
One thing about old Barbara Jane,
no matter how many times
she gets hitched,
she always looks like
it's the first time out of the gate.
Shake, you've been shot
in the ass with luck.
You know why?
'Cause even if b.J.
Never gets it,
even if you have to share all your space
the rest of your life,
it don't matter.
You can handle it
because you're a winner.
You've got a whole winning
life waiting for you.
Just don't think of losing.
Shall we go?
Dearly beloved, this is it.
This is all there is.
There isn't any more.
Life is a shell game without the shell.
There is nothing up
the sleeve of life.
You either get life or you don't,
and if you don't, life...
Gets you.
Mr. bookman.
You two have chosen to be here,
and now, Barbara Jane,
do you take this man
to be your lawfully wedded husband?
To have and to hold,
to share and be shared,
till death do you part?
I do.
And do you, Marvin,
take this woman
to be your lawfully wedded wife,
to have and to hold,
to share and be shared,
till death do you part?
I don't.
I'm sorry. I don't.
I really don't.
Shit.
I'm sorry, Billy Clyde.
I acknowledge that.
Are you walking out on Barbara Jane?
Yes, sir.
A goddamn wide receiver
walking out on Barbara Jane bookman?
I'll trade your ass
to Seattle... tampa!
I'll put you on goddamn waivers.
It's all right, shake.
You're perfect the way you are.
You made a deal to marry!
And, by god, you're gonna marry.
It's all right, Mr. bookman.
All right, my ass!
Sometimes it's better
to say, "I don't."
The hell it is!
Please, young gentlemen!
Stay in your seats!
Nobody leaves!
Please, young gentlemen!
Police officer!
Everybody sit down!
Looks like I've been left at the altar,
Billy Clyde.
Looks like.
Pick up hooper
and give him some air! Up we go!
First marriage I ever
fucked up before the ceremony.
Nobody's perfect.
Well, I guess I ought to go home
and hang my head in shame.
Friedrich's right about one thing.
I sure am an asshole.
Friedrich is an asshole.
Say that again!
Friedrich is an asshole.
You didn't get it?
In the immortal words
of gene autry, "nope."
You son of a bitch.
There goes hooper!
I think we should get out of here
before I have to hit somebody
who can hit me back.
Experience that, you asshole!
You are rotten.
I really should have expected you
to pull something like this.
I haven't felt like this
since you convinced me I was pregnant.
You weren't even 10 years old.
Well, you still had me feeling guilty.
Maybe you were the one.
Is that possible?
It's possible.
You were doing it for me.
Thinking back about it now,
I do feel a little semi-selfish.
Jesus.
What a pair of assholes we are.
Semi-assholes.
Mazel tov!
Thank you.
If she only knew.
If you're going to feel guilty,
why don't you feel guilty in Hawaii.
What's in Hawaii?
Me.
It should have been you up there?
No.
You wouldn't marry me?
No.
I don't like living in sin.
How do you know?
You never tried it.
This is true.
Well, what will we do in Hawaii?
We'll think of something.
There's got to be something else to do.
We'll try something else, too.
You think so?
After all these years?
Might surprise ourselves.
Pair of 3s.
Pair of 5s.
mgm home entertainment
institute. Www.Ncicap.Org...
mgm home entertainment
Score is tied, 14-14.
We're in the closing seconds.
Paul, Miami came into this ball game
knowing they'd need a victory
to get into the play-offs
with a wild-card berth.
Here we go again.
Miami won the last 3
games in the last play.
They'll cause you cardiac arrest
watching them.
They need a score from 40 yards away.
This could go into sudden death.
Miami will give it
their best shot right now.
They've been an unpredictable
football team,
and here they come, out of the huddle.
Seconds are ticking off.
Hose Manning, the quarterback,
he's calling starting signals,
waiting for the snap.
Handoff to Billy Clyde Puckett,
and here's the ball in the air!
In the end zone for a touchdown!
Unbelievable, Lindsey.
Billy Clyde Puckett
hasn't thrown the ball that much.
He's only thrown 3 or 4
passes in 13 years.
Fans are trying to get out
of the stands and on the field!
They're breaking loose
and coming out there.
They have a conversion attempt coming,
but they'll have trouble
getting order restored
in order to try the extra point.
They'll never get it off.
I think you're right.
Miami is in the play-offs
as the wild card.
They'll be playing green bay next week.
Unreal.
Don't you think we ought
to have a little invocation,
a little prayer to thank the lord
for getting us
into the play-offs?
Showers! Tutti frutti coaches!
In the showers!
Hey, all right?
I thought I told you to buy the domestic.
Yes, Mr. bookman.
That's what I did.
I changed the labels is all.
That's good thinking, hooper.
Anything left over, you can keep.
Hell of a pass, Billy Clyde!
I thought so.
Supposed to run the ball.
Legs were tired.
Nice pass, b.C.
Sylvia?
Monica. Going after
the bottoms tonight.
It was a slow-motion
dream sequence.
Everything was
semi-frozen in time,
moving like surreal dancers
in some cosmic fantasy.
It was like there was time in that moment
to look at everything...
There was time to experience
every detail in a tapestry.
It was...
Are we going to get laid tonight?
Probably.
That's not fair, man!
How does it feel your first
year in American football
getting into the play-offs?
Hey!
Hey, wait a minute!
Hey, homeboy!
Homeboy?
Fellas, I'm sure you're all happy
that we made it
to the play-offs.
Don't you want to pray with me?
You got my leg hurting, man.
My blood's stopped circulating!
If I don't miss my guess,
you're getting darker
every time you catch the ball.
In fact, you look darker now
than before the game.
It's true. I'm getting this urge
to tap-dance
and play the saxophone.
OK, guys. I give.
You got me. What can I say?
Come on, now.
You guys making me mad now!
There she is.
You know that somebody
gave this to me in Africa?
She's jerking them out of their shoes.
Where'd you get this?
I got this at neiman's
a couple years ago.
It cost about $3,000.
I spend all my money in the U.S.
You have any proof that you took it out?
It has no label.
That's very peculiar.
Usually neiman's has big labels there.
It must have come off at the cleaners.
Shit-heads!
Jesus Christ!
Hi there.
Hi there.
That pisses me off!
America is the only country in the world
that treats its citizens
like they were crooks.
They make me so fucking mad.
You make yourself mad.
It's got nothing to do with them.
What is that on your face?
It's hair.!
It's real cute.
Don't you think it's cute?
Excuse me, bud mcnair.
I met bud on the plane.
I offered him a ride into town.
They're what I told you about.
Your best friends.
Says a lot about me.
This here's Billy Clyde Puckett
and shake tiller.
Pleased to meet you.
I have to confess, Billy Clyde,
I was hesitant at first.
We've never published any sports books.
Nobel-prize winners
are more our line.
Had 6 of them, you know.
We're an old house. You
could say distinguished.
Great-grandfather
started the firm
right after the civil war
with the help of Oliver Wendell Holmes.
Who'd he play for?
Boston.
Yeah.
But Barbara Jane convinced me
your book would be different.
A look at football no one's ever seen.
You know... the truth.
Nobody's told the truth.
But no sensationalism.
Nothing cheap. We're not
that kind of house.
We want the real truth, Billy Clyde.
Like what drugs the players take,
how games are really fixed,
the influence of the mafia.
You mean the real, real truth.
Exactly.
We know that there are
gay football players,
but who do they like to do it with?
And are there more homosexuals
on the offense or defense?
Defense. Really?
You can use your hands on defense.
It gives you a better chance
to grope somebody.
This is exactly what we're looking for.
You were right about him, Barbara Jane.
I know.
How about spooks and spics?
No. No.
The reading public's bored with that.
Orgies?
Within the bounds of good taste.
What kind of orgies?
What kind you want?
We got your postgame orgies,
your pregame orgies.
You mean before a game?
Sure. That's how we get loose.
How do you think we beat Baltimore?
Nothing like an orgy to loosen you up.
Shake there is all orgied out.
No question.
No question. And Barbara Jane,
she just loves them.
Shut up.
She never missed one yet.
What about your fish costume?
OK, fellas. OK.
I know when I'm being put on.
I know what you think
of me... an intellectual.
I'm sure when you divide the world up,
you put jocks on one side
and everybody else on the other.
But let me tell you something.
Intellectuals are the jocks of the mind.
The life of the intellect
is just as tough as the life of the body.
You have to be just as mean with an idea
as you do with a football.
You love football... Great.
I love words, books, ideas.
And I know that
a well-turned phrase
is just as valuable, just as beautiful,
and just as important
as a well-thrown pass.
Well...
I think I owe you an apology.
We just got off on the wrong foot.
You are wrong about one thing, though.
We don't love football that much.
You don't?
We just like takin' showers with niggers.
Would you drop him over
to the racket club?
Don't you think he's getting better?
A year ago, he would have
insulted that man.
You won't be in football forever.
What did you do to him on the plane?
Join the mile-high club?
You know what you are?
You're deliberately perverse.
Is that good?
No. Gene autry...
Who listens to gene autry?
I do.
You're also retarded.
Where's the bearskin rug?
T.J. Lambert's got it.
He had it.
There was a stewardess
on it the other night.
He rolled her up like
a burrito and took off.
I heard he ate the rug, too.
I guess I'm home.
Would you quit acting like a landlady?
I am the landlady.
In the immortal words of gene autry,
"if you don't care to love me,
I wish you'd leave me alone."
A-19, b.C. Puckett here.
The one and only.
Read them off, my darling.
Barbara Jean... right.
Ann laller...
Is this all you've been eating?
Mary Alice...
We eat spaghetti and stew.
I know the kind of stew you eat.
Tasty, but not nourishing.
Well, leave her this message...
Tell her I had a vasectomy,
and it's impossible.
You guys cleaned up your act!
Keeping the garbage here on the terrace
instead of throwing it in the bay.
Hey, leave that alone.
We've got a cleaning lady.
By the year?
Put that stuff in my room.
I can't wait till she sees the bathroom.
You took these in Africa?
Yep. That's my
African portfolio.
You can put it here
with my Greek portfolio.
What kind of tree is this?
That's not a tree.
That's a giraffe.
See?
He got behind the tree before I focused.
I didn't know you liked trees so much.
I don't. I just take
lousy pictures.
They're good pictures of trees.
I wasn't taking pictures
of trees. Animals.
Well, you took pictures of trees.
Yeah, because I'm a lousy photographer.
No. Because you chose
to take pictures of trees.
Shake, what is going on with you?
I'll tell you.
He's found himself.
I didn't know he was lost.
Want to play liar's poker for 20?
You can't afford to lose that much.
I've been practicing.
Pair of 4s.
Three 8s.
Four 9s.
My intention wasn't
to take pictures of trees.
The reason...
Reasons... bullshit.
Four 10s.
Actions what counts.
All the rest is theory time.
It's bullshit.
The only reality...
There aren't that
many zeros in two bills.
Not what you've done or hope you'll do.
The minute you start
talking about reasons,
you start labeling,
and labels are just screens
between you and what you're really doing.
You understand what he said?
You're labeling screens.
That's not it.
Right?
You're hung-up with pictures
you wanted to take.
You're hung-up.
I understood that.
Good. Four 10s to you.
I wanted to take pictures of animals!
These are great pictures.
Of trees.
Great pictures of trees.
Stay the fuck out of this.
Four 10s.
Five 9s.
Why can't you just accept what you did?
I think you're bluffing.
Five 9s is a lot.
Don't you see?
I wanted to take pictures...
Forget what you wanted to do.
Look at what you did.
There's a million things you didn't do.
You didn't take pictures of studebakers.
You're not bad at animals,
you're just good at trees.
I'll just call your bluff.
They're not bad.
I mean, for trees.
They're beautiful.
You found yourself? For real?
Well, what's real?
Shit.
When you play my kind of game,
you need more than just
a few hours protection,
you need all-day protection.
That's what mitchum brings you...
24 hours a day.
Cut!
Cut... Don't print that.
Shellac your armpits.
Lower the sheet.
Get a little more
of what they're paying for.
Down lower.
Take this off, will you?
Farm workers can't afford mitchum.
I'll hold it.
There you go.
He's a real bucket of chuckles, isn't he?
You need one of these commercials.
I wish I had one of these
when I did my commercial.
Hello. How are you?
Don't do that.
These people have work to do.
Behave!
Do I have to stop?
What's the matter with you?
I really am sorry.
Get out of here!
Hooper, let go of my leg!
Let go of my leg!
Let's do it again right away.
Let's get a rehearsal.
Hooper, why don't you get me
a commercial like that?
You're identified with the wrong product.
He'll be all right
once they start rolling.
If you don't fuck him up.
I'm trying to help.
I have experience.
You did one commercial, Billy Clyde.
That's experience.
You call that experience?
For condoms?
It was a good product.
"Come on, boys, stick it in.
It won't pinch.
It's paper thin."
That's exactly what I'm talking about.
Do you understand?
It wasn't even network, it was cable.
Narrow little minds.
They wouldn't put it
on national television.
It's not my fault.
Mitchum spot. Take 3. Mark.
All right. Relate to the bottle.
All you care about
is fucking and football,
in that order.
Playing my kind of game,
you need more than a mouthwash.
You need a prefrontal lobotomy.
You'd diddle an alligator
if somebody drained the pond.
Don't drain the pond.
I'm going to put this here.
Relate to this one.
I know this isn't fun.
I'm under a lot of pressure, too.
You got your responsibility,
and I got mine.
Thanks. And act like
you smell good.
OK, ready for rehearsal.
Fuck warm mud if they held it.
And action!
I haven't used a deodorant today.
I may not again tomorrow,
because I use mitchum,
the long-lasting...
Cut! Cut!
Shake, stop it. Stop it.
Cut it!
Mitchum.
I ain't an old-fashioned parent.
Your mama died.
I read them books.
You've been raised liberal, Barbara Jane.
So it ain't just you
gettin' married so much...
Twice.
How come you paying alimony?
I wanted out. It seemed fair.
Comes to money,
sticking it in the other fella's gizzard,
that's fair.
And stop living with
Billy Clyde and shake.
What crazy notion took you?
We're in the play-offs now.
We're in the spotlight of publicity.
It don't look right,
my daughter living with my players.
I'm not sleeping with them.
That's what I mean.
It ain't normal.
You're a grown woman, Barbara Jane.
How you think it looks...
You living with them and not doing it?
Folks will think you all a passel of...
I don't know...
Whatever they call them.
Friends.
It's goddamn unnatural.
Alvin!
Way to go! Way to go!
Yes, sir?
I got a new play for you to put in.
It come to me in the middle of the night.
A new play, sir?
Yeah.
Right now, sir?
Sure.
Think I could have been adopted?
Maybe I was switched in my crib
at the hospital.
You let your hair grow.
You let your hair grow.
Yeah. You did, too.
I like it.
Go for this one.
You still throw like a girl.
You caught it.
I'm catching almost everything now.
Man.
Well, you always did.
No. There was a time
early in the season,
I was dropping everything.
It got real serious.
Then I went to b.E.A.T.
Went to beat who?
Bismark energy attack training.
I read about that.
It helps you get your head together,
teaches you to live in the present.
Friedrich's a hell of a teacher.
Friedrich?
Friedrich bismark, he founded it.
He's something else.
What else?
I don't know.
It's hard to describe.
He just knows.
Knows what?
He knows.
What?
There's lots of people
getting into that stuff,
and not just fucked-up people.
Like movie actors and rock stars.
People like... What's his name?
John Denver,
Valerie Harper, Joe namath.
Makes you feel better?
You've got gray in it.
What's that goddamn commie
doing out of uniform?
Where do you think you are, boy?
You think you're here for detente?
All right, boys, that's it!
This here is practice!
You on this team,
you practice like
every other son of a bitch.
Hell of a kick.
Howdy.
OK, where y'all want
to go feeding tonight?
How about that new French restaurant?
I'm taking her to
a consciousness seminar.
What the hell you want to go to that for?
I want to know what it's about.
It's about 48 hours long.
You can't piss for the first 12.
We do worry about
each other, Billy Clyde.
See you later.
You fellas mind if I come in here?
Slide right in here, darlin'.
Hello. Hello. Hello.
Come here, you little rascal.
Brought you a little something.
I just been waiting for you.
Excuse me.
Fasten your seat belt, please.
Your seat belt.
You got anything cool in there?
Are you OK?
I'll be OK.
I'm one of those
white-knuckle flyers.
I just fall apart
like a $2.00 suit.
Can I get you a drink?
Ever since my helicopter
went down in Vietnam.
Your helicopter went down?
I don't want to talk about it, though.
I'll be all right. I'll be OK.
Would it be all right...
I know it's an imposition...
If I went in the back and sit with you?
Because I need somebody to talk to.
I know you're not allowed.
I'll be fired.
Thank you very much.
This would look good
if we weren't going somewhere cold.
I'm more nervous than you.
Boy.
905... 903.
We're right next door, darlin'.
Sure you don't want to
bring some more luggage?
You'll be here over 24 hours.
Why, Barbara Jane bookman,
as I live and breathe.
Marvin tiller, whatever are you doing
in this fancy hotel?
I'm going to have another
drink. How about you?
I'm going to bed.
It's the shank of the evening.
I've got a big game to watch tomorrow.
I'll stack up a few zs myself.
It ain't even curfew.
Captain, take care of the ship.
Good night.
I'll get... I'll get the check.
Billy Clyde! Billy Clyde!
Come here, man.
I want you to meet
an admirer from the gridiron.
Billy Clyde Puckett,
earlene ever-ready.
Her battery never runs out.
Earlene's looking for some action.
She ain't findin' it here.
I thought you football players
were supposed to be manly.
Look at him just sitting there.
He's big, but he ain't manly.
Don't come near me
till you brush your teeth!
Come on, kids. How about that?
You do have a tiny ass.
I mean, your ass is tiny!
Did you ever see such a tiny ass?
Tiny ass! Look!
Baby!
Earlene, you darling, you.
I really would like to.
I really would.
I'm afraid once you and I got started,
I'm liable to fall in there
and be gone for days.
Beautiful, baby!
Hey, you lost!
B.J.!
Leave the key in the door
for me or the janitor?
B.J.?
And why not?
Because we got a game to play.
I know you ain't played
in the last 3 games.
They roll the sidewalks up early.
Get up, man.
I'll sleep on the roof.
I ain't gonna sleep here.
Come on, man. It's getting late.
We've got a game to play tomorrow.
You cannot drink all night.
Hi, guys.
What do you say, b.C.?
Couldn't sleep.
Thought a couple beers might help.
Come up to the room with us and drink.
I don't want to drink in the room.
You don't give up, do you?
You wouldn't like me if I did.
Buy you a drink?
Thanks for nothing.
I got a drink.
I'll buy you another drink.
Can we have 2 more of the same here?
Sure, but it's 10 minutes till closing.
The thing is,
you don't understand
about football players,
especially the night before the big game.
I understand plenty.
See, they take it out on everybody.
They make other people
like the opposing team,
and they're usually a little bit scared
of the opposing team,
so they try to make people
the opposite of what they are.
What are you talking about?
Well, you see, the other
team's big and strong,
so we make them weak
and small in our head.
Make them the opposite of what they are,
and then it seems to be...
All right.
What's that got to do...
That's what I did with you.
I mean, you're big...
Big and sexy,
sexy and big.
So what I did was
I made you the opposite of that.
I... i... I changed you around,
like I would the opposing team.
Is that what you did?
You know what?
Big women turn me on.
I mean, it isn't just a physical thing.
I mean, big women...
Have big feelings...
As opposed to little women
who have small feelings.
There's nothing sexier in the world
than a woman who knows
she's a real woman.
What are you looking for?
Nothing.
Where is your room?
At the end of the hall.
At the end of the hall?
Yep.
Is the whole team there?
Come on.
This is some setup. I...
I got to go, I think.
I tell you what.
If you don't want to
do nothing, we won't, OK?
OK.
Nobody in the bathroom.
Nobody under the bed.
No football players anywhere.
Are you kinky?
Those ain't mine.
Those are Barbara Jane's.
See, I ex...
Exchanged rooms with...
A friend of mine, OK?
Come here.
You're laughing.
I ain't laughin'. I'm smilin'.
Are you sure this isn't some kind of a...
You know...
You're going to go tell the guys?
I just smile all the time
when I feel good.
I'm like a cheshire cat.
When I feel good, I just smile.
You must feel good.
Well...
Don't you want to...
Turn off the light?
Why? We ain't got
nothin' to hide.
Turn off the light.
Kill him!
Break his ass!
OK, boys!
Supper's ready!
Billy Clyde, food's on!
Shake?
That doesn't look very comfortable.
Christ! Don't stop now!
Come on, buddy.
Get it while it's hot.
It is hot.
Supper's ready, Billy Clyde.
You eat. I ain't hungry.
What's the matter?
You feeling poorly?
No. I feel fine.
Now, last time you weren't hungry
was in 10th grade when you had measles.
No. I never felt better.
I've just got work to do.
What kind of work?
I'm writing a book.
Are you sure you feel all right?
I'll eat something later.
Now, how come you changed your mind?
You were right about one thing.
There comes a point
when a man must think of something
other than fucking and football.
I don't think you've reached that time.
Supper's cold.
He says he'll write that book.
Terrific.
You don't believe him.
Do you?
How about if I have hooper
put out a press release?
Fine, if it ain't embarrassin'.
I ain't no nobel-prize winner.
You know what we could do?
I could write a contract
and tie advances to games.
We'd get so much if we beat Denver,
you'd get more for the super bowl.
That is worth a movie sale.
You'd be semi-rich
and go on talk shows.
I ain't doin' this for money.
I'm writing this book from here,
where real books come from.
Save you some supper.
Keep on dancing.
They're still paying gene for that song.
Charlie, where did you find this?
They're freezing
to death in the big "d."
What do you think?
Pure dirty leg.
Lower.
What do you think, b.J.?
3. She's a head cold.
There's a 7.
The one in red?
Yeah.
She looks semi-rich.
Son!
There's some woman might be a 9.
Where's a 9?
You're the only 9.
8 1/2.
Ain't no 10s.
Don't start that shit again.
You're close, honey, but you ain't no 10.
Damn sure am.
Ain't no 10s.
You thought Emily kirkland was one.
She and her sister together were.
It's a question of responsibility, Roger.
If you can't open the ballrooms
an hour before training begins,
maybe you could suggest someone
to assume that responsibility.
OK, Roger?
Shake!
Friedrich.
Barbara Jane bookman, friedrich bismark.
I'll get back to you.
It's really nice to meet you.
Great game in green bay.
How did you do that?
Just did it.
Get that, Andrew.
I've told her about b.E.A.T.
Don't look for any answers.
I don't know the questions.
There aren't any.
That's why there aren't any answers.
Look at that Turkey!
What the fuck do you think you're doing?
Que pasa?
T.J., pull that girl back!
We got a game Sunday.
Hooper!
Ain't I got a helicopter?
Right over there.
Reel her in.
She's not a fish.
Hooper, get the mattress.
T.J. Ain't got
the Christmas spirit.
Quick! Play something!
You're not going to do a goddamn thing?
I sent shake up there.
No! You big Turkey!
Let me down!
No! No! No! Don't let me down!
Bring me up!
What will you do with her?
I don't know.
You taught her a lesson.
Why not bring her back up?
No! No! She'll
scratch and bite me.
I won't! I won't!
Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit.
You better drop her, then.
Yeah? You think so?
What do you want to do?
I don't know.
If I drop her,
folks are going to be mad at me.
No!
But if I pull her back,
they're going to laugh at me.
I don't like people
laughing at me, shake.
Screw them. Let's find out
what you want to do,
then do it.
Drop her?
Whatever you choose.
As long as it's your choice,
it's going to be right
because you're perfect.
You really think I'm perfect?
Hell, I know you're perfect.
No matter what I do?
No matter what.
Come up here, you noisy thing.
Hang on.
Unfucking believable.
Well, i...
I sent shake up there to help, you know.
The way he did it, he was so...
God, he was so positive.
He really knew what he was doing.
I've got to get back to writing my book.
A writer can't be
partying around like this.
I never saw anything like it...
A writer has to be dedicated to his work,
write a lot.
Hey, seor!
Get through with that shit,
and give these people
something to dance to.
Folks, this will be a party
till the sun goes down!
That's more like it!
Shake.
That was magnificent.
Now, I really mean it.
I'd like you to consider
becoming a b.E.A.T. Trainer
for me someday...
When you're finished
with football, of course.
Have you seen Billy Clyde?
Going to the house.
Put that beard back on.
I keep swallowing hair.
Santa claus wears a beard.
When he in action.
Now Santa claus eating ribs.
When he eat ribs, he don't wear no beard.
That's what you gotta
learn about Santa claus.
Excuse me.
Have you seen Billy Clyde?
Try the second door on the left, there.
Try another one.
Billy Clyde, I want to talk to you.
Didn't anyone ever tell you
that a writer needs privacy?
Are you writing what
just happened with t.J.?
It certainly was a colorful incident.
Is he doing it again?
No. You know,
it's not exactly the image of the team
we'd like presented.
I'm a team man all the way, pooper.
Positive things... that's what
people want to read about...
Big Ed's life, for example.
I won't leave big ed out of the book.
Then we don't have to worry, do we?
There's nothing to worry about.
I'm really glad we had
this talk. I really am.
I am, too, Phillip.
Phillip, you know where to find me.
T.J. Was holding this girl
upside down,
40 feet off the ground...
Which t.J. Lambert
has a habit of doing
when young girls take unkindly
to the semi-unmentionable things
t.J. Likes doing to them.
Shit and shove it under the door.
It's us, Billy Clyde.
Damn. Good thing I'm
just writing a book.
What's wrong with her?
She's happy.
Happy?
I've never been happier.
Last time you never were
happier was... Fuck.
No.
Yeah.
You getting married?
Yeah.
To each other?
Yeah.
We wanted you to be first to know.
Why?
Because we love you
more than anyone else.
But why are you getting married?
Did she knock you up?
We're in love, Billy Clyde.
But why are you getting married?
I don't know.
This time it's different.
I said that the other times, too,
but you've got to believe me.
It's like...
I don't know how to say it.
It's like...
It's like shake's what
I've been waiting for
all my life!
He's been there all the time...
Just like you.
We figured we'd do it
right after the super bowl.
We've got to beat Denver first.
I can take b.E.A.T.
Before we're married.
You only need a blood test.
We might get friedrich
to marry us. He's ordained.
Go shit in your hat!
Big Ed's bio.
Thought it might be helpful.
I want you to be my best man.
And give me away.
You can't do both, can you?
Big ed can give me away.
He's used to it.
I guess we'd better go tell him?
Be happy with me, Billy Clyde.
It's still one for all and all for one?
Semper fidelis.
T.J. Lambert was born...
Semi... Mean.
Shit.
It's like...
It's like shake's
what I've been waiting for
all my life!
Mr. bookman will be
with you in a minute.
That son of a bitch calls again,
I won't talk to him.
If he don't honor the deal,
he can eat my shorts.
Goddamn country is going to the dogs.
Used to be a handshake was good enough.
Billy Clyde, get down here
before I get a crick in my neck.
Time was, this country was pure.
There was people you could look up to.
Lombardi, MacArthur...
J. Edgar hoover.
Gene autry.
I'm a hard man, Billy Clyde,
but I hear that man sing
silver-haired daddy of
mine, and I confess,
these old eyes fill up and tear out.
Gold mine in the sky does it to me.
Yeah, god.
Makes you understand
what's important in life.
Billy Clyde, did you
crawl when you was a kid?
I don't rightly remember, big ed.
Well, do you remember
creeping before you walked?
Not exactly.
Well, that's what I thought.
That's why you're gettin'
pulled down on that end sweep.
Your rear space ain't protected.
I'm just off my feed a little bit.
You've been that way all week.
Before I took movagenics,
I would have figured like you...
I was off my feed, slowed down a tad.
I'm just as fast as ever, big ed.
It comes back to...
You didn't crawl and creep.
You took off and walked.
Now there's trouble with your back space.
Big ed, if you don't mind my asking,
what the fuck are you doing?
It happened to me awhile back.
I started feeling slowed down, peaked.
Almost got hoodwinked
on a couple of big deals.
Thank god I found movagenics.
Who?
What I'm doing is movagenics.
The best thing that ever happened to me.
It looks like crawling to me.
No.
This ain't crawlin'.
This is creeping.
This is crawling.
Yeah.
Of course, I don't do it in public.
The average run of people
wouldn't understand.
Billy Clyde, you know
old h.I. Hunt himself
creeped for 6 full years before he died?
Big ed, I ain't in any trouble.
You're out of line
with gravity, Billy Clyde.
That's your trouble.
Now, a man gets born,
the natural way is to
start crawling and creeping
as soon as he can.
He gets himself back
in line with gravity.
You get that settled,
you're ready to walk,
ready to move forward
with the safe knowledge
he's protected on all sides,
including the backside.
You're without that knowledge.
You're sure as shit going
through life unprotected,
unhappy, and unhelpful to your team.
You want me to start
creeping or crawling?
You ain't got the time.
Got a big game Sunday.
Nobody can creep or crawl himself
into line with gravity before then.
No. We got to go on
to emergency measures.
How about humping?
You are going to get pelfed.
Not this Billy Clyde Puckett.
You don't even know what it is.
I don't like the way it sounds.
Billy Clyde, take your pick...
You're going to get fined,
or you're going to get pelfed.
I'm going to get pelfed.
Fuck.
You are having trouble, no?
No.
Take off your clothes.
Clara pelf will tell you
if you're having trouble.
Pants, belt, shoes.
You have your shoes on. Shoes.
Hurry up. We have
only 30 minutes.
Leave on the underwear.
You are having trouble.
Lie down on the table.
On your belly.
You understand pelfing, no?
Nope.
You will find out.
I'm not sure I want to.
You're going to.
Head down.
Pelfing rebalances the body...
By moving the tissues around the muscles
so the muscles are once again free.
There's nothing wrong with my muscles.
Your muscles are disgusting...
Big, lumpy, typical athlete's muscles.
Phooey!
Now, this hurts?
Yes.
You think, "this crazy lady's
killing me," no?
Right.
Wrong. The pain
is coming from you...
Not from me.
I do only the moving.
Roll over.
Right.
Take a deep breath.
Very good.
You feel lighter in
the chest already, no?
No.
You're still resisting.
Relax.
Breath in... And out.
Good.
Scream if you want.
Release the emotion.
If I scream, will you stop?
No.
There is no movement
without pain!
You hated your father, no?
No!
Your mother?
Do you have sexual problems?
No.
You're resisting.
All American men have sexual problems.
Relax.
Open your mouth.
No.
Open your mouth!
Lift up the tongue.
Why?
You'll find out.
Very good. Now you can get up.
Can I go home now?
No, no, no.
My god!
No!
I remember that from the army.
You're not going to do that...
This is for the nose.
For the nose?
The inside of the nose
is the reflection of the personality.!
Listen to me. Listen to me.
I will do anything you want
if you don't do this to me.
You understand what I'm saying?
I will do anything you want.
But we just started.
Shit!
Getting pelfed once
ain't gonna do you any good.
You've got to go 10 times
if you want the full benefit.
I wouldn't send hooper to see that woman.
You'll learn to dig it.
I found kinks I never knew I had.
God. You get off on anything.
Good buddy, since you like it,
I'll give you my last 9 treatments
as a wedding present.
I don't know. Maybe
there won't be no wedding.
What?
To tell you the truth,
I'm getting kind of worried
about Barbara Jane.
Wear a cup over your jock.
Maybe she's moving too
fast for her own good.
She's only been here 2 weeks.
You've known her all your life.
It was different before.
There was nothing on the line.
I'm just not sure she
knows what she's doing.
Barbara Jane's...
Jeez. Barbara Jane's
like a little kid.
She sees something she wants,
whamo! She just grabs it.
Be glad she grabbed you,
for Christ's sake.
I'm glad, but that's not the point.
Suppose she's just doing the same thing
she did before.
I mean, forget about me.
I'm worried about Barbara Jane.
She can be hurt.
This is the largest we have.
Goddamn!
What kind of neck is this?
We'll special order all the collars.
How come you couldn't
have an informal wedding?
With big ed, you go first class.
Till contract time.
Who says clothes don't make the man?
That's a well-dressed
phone booth.
This ain't no Usher's suit.
Sure it is, t.J.
Shit, no! You can't
bullshit this country boy.
We never wore nothing like this
when I was ushering at the picture show.
Goddamn!
What did you wear? A sheet?
We can solve your problem.
Why can't we wear a pink one like that?
You've got too athletic a body.
It's big, and it's lumpy.
It's disgusting.
Are you wearing white?
Why not?
Are you sure it's allowed?
I'm still pure,
as far as you're concerned.
You should have seen the way
I chased after this boy.
He wouldn't even look at me.
I looked.
Never did anything else.
It's nice seeing a couple
that waited for each other.
I know I'm old-fashioned,
but you'll be able
to give each other more.
Now, don't you move, darling.
I have to get more pins.
Shake is worried.
About the game?
Nope.
He's worried that you're doing
one of your numbers again.
He say that?
Yep.
I told him not to worry.
How do you know I'm not?
How do you know you're not?
Shall we play?
I got, 2 deuces.
How come we never fucked?
Didn't we?
Now, I know I have a shaky memory,
but I don't think I would forget that.
After the baylor game, at the deke house.
That was cissy walford.
Are you sure about that?
She couldn't wait to get her pants off.
Cissy walford never wore pants,
never wore panties.
Then it was belinda labada.
Belinda labada?
Lablinda lablada?
Don't you remember her?
I remember her very well.
How could we have such fun
and not sleep together?
I guess we didn't want to spoil the fun.
Don't peek.
OK.
Two 9s.
Three deuces.
Three 9s.
We miss something, Billy Clyde?
Like what?
Not doing it. Did we miss out?
Missed out on a divorce.
You wouldn't have married me.
You never asked me.
Would you have?
Four 9s.
I call.
You don't have any 9s.
Why do I always believe you?
Men!
Men!
Men!
The hunt is over.
Time to piss on the fire
and call in the dogs.
We're champions of our conference,
and because of what you've done for me,
I'm going to do
something special for you.
First class is open to all!
First class is open to all.
We are first-class.
Here goes the end of first class!
Shaker, think dreamer Tatum
is as bad as they say?
I'd say worse.
Wonderful.
Well, I figure he'll probably
take your head off and shit in it.
I plan to spend most of my time
tippytoing out of bounds.
What do you say we get
a couple cheese burgers
and stick 'em down our throat?
Sounds good. B.J.?
You two go. I'm still full.
Watch us. It will be
like a Roman spectacle.
I don't feel like going out.
Well, shake and me will go, then.
I'm just going to get my wallet.
Why don't you just go on without me?
It's OK to be scared.
I'm not scared. I'm just tired.
I was scared the whole
week before I went.
I'd heard all the horror stories
about b.E.A.T.
I'm not scared.
OK.
Ready to go, shake-'em-up?
I just don't want a phony, dressed up,
horse's ass wedding.
We're only doing it for big ed
so he can show off, and
you can show off friedrich.
Getting friedrich to
marry us was your idea.
He doesn't care where we do it.
We could be alone on a mountain top.
Before or after he gets crucified?
I don't mind that kind of wedding.
Well, how about what I feel?
It's what you feel,
and whatever you do about it is fine.
You don't care what I want.
That's your lookout, not mine.
Isn't that pretty fucking selfish?
Of course it is.
How else could I love you?
I'll have a bacon cheeseburger.
Let's all have a cheeseburger.
Hey, b.J. Hey, honey,
wait a minute.
I can't help it
if I think you're perfect
the way you are.
I love you.
I'll go get a shirt.
He really thinks I'm perfect.
Nobody ever thought that before.
You don't think I'm perfect.
I'm just a 9 to you.
Yeah... But a perfect 9.
How come everybody's got pillows?
That's something I forgot
to tell you about,
but it don't matter.
I'll be right here when you come out.
You're more nervous than me.
I'm just happy.
I know what's waiting for you in there.
Assholes!
Assholes!
You're all assholes!
Every one of you!
Your lives don't work!
And you're assholes
because you sit here and pretend they do.
Well, this weekend
we're going to show you
how that shit has gotten you
exactly nowhere.
For the next 48 hours,
you're going to come
face-to-face
with your only problem...
Yourself.
If you think that problem's
going to disappear,
well, then you're bigger
assholes than I think you are.
What will disappear
is your belief in yourself as a problem
because believing, and get this people...
Get this!
Believing is shit!
Being is where it's at.
It's what this weekend is all about,
finding out that you're where it's at.
You. Nobody else.
Finding out that what you are,
all you assholes...
Is perfect.
We gave you a list of rules
when we took your money this morning.
Any of you assholes have any questions?
Wait for the microphone.
Why can't we go to the bathroom?
Because you can't.
Why?
It's a rule.
Why is it a rule?
Because it works.
Why can't we talk to friends?
They're part of your asshole life
that comes between you
and what you have to get rid of.
Any more questions?
What I want from you today
are your soles...
Soles of your feet.
You can be wide-awake
or fast asleep.
If you stay in this room,
you'll get the training.
You'll get it.
What's "it"?
What you get.
How will I know?
You'll know.
Suppose I know I haven't.
That's how you know you have.
Now, you're going to meet someone here,
someone you've never met before...
Yourself,
but before we do that,
I want you to meet the others here.
Really meet them.
Not the way you meet people
outside, like this.
Tom.
Fred.
How's the wife and kids?
Fine.
Good to see you.
Now let's see
what happens when 2 people really meet.
Tom.
Fred.
You see? Tom is now
meeting a person.
Get it?
Now, what I want you to do
is get up, walk around,
meet everyone else.
Don't say anything.
Just meet them and
experience them as a person.
No talking!
You assholes, follow the rules!
And no smiling!
No talking.
Experience the person.
Meet them.
Billy.
Don't say a word.
Just experience me.
Are you getting it?
He had no right firing me.
You wanted to lose the job.
Bullshit! Don't pin it
on your boss.
You got yourself fired, asshole.
How?
You choose what you get.
When will you learn that?
If it happened, you chose it!
When will we get a break?
When you get it.
You're a fascist!
That's what you are!
Your name isn't even friedrich!
It's Irving!
Thank you. I acknowledge that.
Rose.
I want to share something.
I just peed in my pants...
And it feels good!
It does. Thank you.
Now we're going to do something else.
Just relax. Close your eyes.
Keep them closed, and just...
Re... Lax.
Terrific.
I want you to think
of the very first time
you were ever happy.
Very first time.
Now think of the very first time
you ever had ice cream.
Terrific.
Experience it!
Stay in your space!
Go with it!
Just let it go!
That's it. That's it. Let it go.
Go with it. Experience it.
I hate my mother.
Rrr!
I... i hate my father!
Experience it.
Yee!
That's it. That's it.
Let it go.
Go with it. Experience it.
It was just so marvelous!
Hi.
Don't worry about it.
Sometimes it takes awhile
to understand what you got.
Shake, I don't know how to tell you this.
Nothing like this has happened.
You took the training?
Yes, I did.
Why didn't you tell me?
I was trying
to put something over on you.
But something happened to me in there.
I was fighting it,
laughing at it, and then...
It's difficult to say what happened.
You son of a bitch, you got it.
Yes, I did. I got it.
You get it, b.J.?
Well, you were there, where it's at,
so if you didn't get it, you got it.
I want to go home.
Sure.
We're delighted to have
the team captains...
Dreamer Tatum of Dallas
and Miami's Billy Clyde Puckett.
What contrasting teams they are.
Dallas... the most powerful team
for the past decade.
Miami... a team of wild spirits
known for off-field activities
as well as on.
We're lucky to have the man
who personifies that team,
the irrepressible, never
dull, Billy Clyde Puckett.
Billy Clyde, how are you?
Fine, dick, thank you.
I do acknowledge that,
but that was the way I was at one time,
but the Miami team,
and myself being captain,
we have changed considerably
since we got into the super bowl.
As a matter of fact,
the boys aren't out diddling around.
They're very serious about
this game, and I'm reading.
What are you reading?
Walden. I'm reading walden.
Bill walton?
No. Thoreau's walden.
You see, I march
to a different drummer now.
Obviously, he's taking
the game very seriously.
What do you think of Billy Clyde
as a football player, dreamer?
As a football player,
I think Billy Clyde
is a credit to his team.
He's the best running
back in his conference,
and I hope to slow him on Sunday.
I'd like to thank you for that.
Thank me on Sunday, Billy.
I'm afraid I will.
I would like to say that he is the finest
defensive halfback in his league.
You both have great respect
for each other.
Lot of respect. Lot of respect.
Dreamer, who do you think will win?
I believe we're going to win on Sunday.
I'll be kind to him, but we'll win.
Billy Clyde, what do you believe?
You don't change beliefs,
you change believers.
Haven't I heard that before?
Friedrich bismark said that.
Man, you into b.E.A.T.?
Yes, I am. I'm into b.E.A.T.
I just got into it, and
I'm taking it quite seriously.
B.E.A.T. Is sensory
deprivation jive
laid on with zen and shook up.
B.E.A.T. Is out. Pyramid
power is what's in, man.
What's pyramid power?
It's based on the design
of the great pyramid of cheops in Egypt.
Man, it's an energy source
you cannot believe.
You expect to win with b.E.A.T.?
I never heard of pyramid power,
but I'd like to hear more.
There's all kinds of
books on the subject.
Is that what you're wearing?
That's it.
The land of cheops, man.
Settle this Sunday on the football field.
This is a very unusual game.
One of the many unusual features
is the Miami team is owned by a texan
and the team from Dallas
is owned by a father and son
from Newark, New Jersey.
Let's say hello to
the owners of these teams.
Congratulations on getting
to the super bowl.
Congratulations.
Tell me about that.
The next time you're laying some chick,
place the thing under the bed.
Is that for true?
You'll never have energy like that.
What do you think, Billy Clyde?
You did a nice job, t.J.,
except you misspelled it.
S-u-c-k-s... sucks.
You come over here, Billy Clyde.
I spent all afternoon
looking in our apartment
for that walden book.
It's in my locker room
with my other books.
Really?
Yeah.
I'm acting like a lunatic.
Yeah. A little bit,
but everybody does now and then.
I really tried so hard to get it.
Maybe that's why I didn't,
but friedrich said
if you stay in that room,
you're going to get it.
I think you should
look at the bright side.
We're going to win the super bowl.
You're marrying the guy
you've been waiting for all your life.
Yeah.
He makes me feel guilty.
Who does? Shake?
I've never felt guilty
before about anything.
I've certainly felt lousy and ashamed,
and I wished I hadn't done what I did.
You shouldn't put it off on him.
He keeps telling me,
"don't feel guilty."
Tell him not to bring it up.
He doesn't have to put it into words.
He makes me feel it, but you don't.
Different jokes for different folks.
How did you get it, Billy Clyde?
It's almost impossible
to relate to someone else.
It's impossible to tell anybody,
even for a writer like myself.
Now you'll never think I'm perfect.
Wait a minute. Friedrich
says that being perfect
is when you are what you are.
If you aren't, then you aren't.
And b.J., you are what you are,
so therefore you are perfect.
Billy Clyde.
What am I going to do without you?
Am I going somewhere?
No. It won't be the
same without old 22.
You mean you getting married.
You do that all the time, b.J.
You know it's different with shake.
It won't be the same.
Nothing stays the same.
Friedrich say that, too?
No... B.C. Puckett said that.
You seem different since you got it.
Different how?
I don't know. Just...
Different.
Prettier?
Just different.
You'll find tax exemption
makes all the difference.
We're building this condominium
around palm beach.
Wouldn't be possible
without the tax break.
I wouldn't worry about it if I was you.
What?
Not everybody gets it.
She's just trying too hard.
Choo-choo-choo-choo.
What you doing, man?
I'm a train.
No. You ain't a train.
You're carrying a train.
Get it right.
I can give the benediction here,
then bismark will perform
the actual ceremony.
Yes, well, now,
here I'll say something about god.
That's Fred's idea.
I think it's a good idea.
And I'll say something like,
if god told you what you should do,
you'd be happy to do that,
no matter what it was,
and since this is what god wants,
then you're very, very happy.
Then they'll kneel.
No, they won't kneel down.
Mr. bookman, you can sit down,
and Barbara Jane, come up here
on the platform.
Gentlemen, a word with you?
Remember, you'll seat
the guests of the bride on the left,
the groom on the right.
How do we tell which from which?
You ask them.
Supposing they lie?
Now, I think it would be nice, shake,
if you were to say something of your own.
That's hardly liturgical.
It may not be liturgical,
but I think it would be very nice.
This isn't a structured ceremony.
That's right, which is
why it would be nice,
if you want.
Then we'll have some music.
The boys have quite a repertory.
We'll have more music then.
Then communion,
if you decide to receive communion.
That's at their discretion.
Then I think that will wrap it up.
Want them to kneel?
If they want, but it's not important.
Where you are is where it's at.
Quit fuc... fooling
with my money.
Just telling her about
the b.E.A.T. Training.
You full of shit, man.
When you get it, you gotta tell people.
Hey, this is puddin Patterson.
I'm the one that knows
when you zig and when you zag
without turnin' around.
You ain't no more got
b.E.A.T. Then I got fleas.
In the immortal words of gene autry,
"how come you know me so good
when I'm really
a stranger to myself?"
Plus you got a bad case
of Barbara Jane bookman.
I've always had that.
I just didn't know how bad.
Man.
You don't think you're going
to pull this hustle off?
I'm going to give it my best shot.
Hey, why not save your best shot
till the game tomorrow?
That's when we're gonna need it, man.
I'll be there.
Why don't you practice a little kiss?
We'll say this is at
the end of the ceremony.
There you go.
Well, nobody said
it wasn't going to be
semi-tough.
You've been in super bowl dressing rooms
at half time. What's it like?
I was coached by Vince lombardi,
and if we played as poorly as Miami,
I wouldn't go in that dressing room.
Shit!
21 goddamn nothing!
Tutti frutties!
We're nothing but a bunch
of goddamn tutti frutties!
Each one of us are going to stand up
and look into god's eye
and confess to the undeniable fact
that our game plan's
going down the toilet.
Starting the fourth quarter,
the weather is somewhat dismal,
matching Miami's performance.
Many fans have edged toward the exits
to watch the finish on television.
And wondering why they ever left.
We have an official
time-out called on the field
as the injured player is being removed.
Punt team.
Punt team, get in there.
That will be fine.
Yeah. Whatever.
Just leave me alone.
Wait a minute!
Look at the goddamn scoreboard.
We're getting our ass kicked.
If we can't have any laughs...
They're sending in the kicking team.
Did you hear what he said about...
The kicking team is coming on the field.
Hooper, on 4th and 14, you goddamn punt!
Yes, but that's not the punting unit.
They're attempting a field goal.
A field goal?
From 60 yards?
What the hell are we kicking
a field goal for?
Who's kicking a field goal?
We are!
Set!
135!
Hut!
Hut!
A 63-yarder is good.
Ladies and gentlemen,
you have just seen a new
league record in field goals,
64 yards.
Let's give a round of applause
to the field goal kicker, number 7,
vlada kostov!
OK, defense!
You big, tall tutti frutti,
Billy Clyde's going to take this one
straight up your ass.
Time!
What are you telling him the play for?
He's rolling to the right side.
Looks downfield for shake tiller.
The ball is in the air,
and it is good for a
touchdown in the corner!
Come on, guys!
No time to stumble!
You are marrying him!
I'll tell you one thing.
We've got ourselves
a ball game, 21-16,
and Miami has the momentum.
Don't go away, folks.
Shake, ol' buddy,
know what I'm choosing to do?
I'm choosing to win this fucking game.
Manning takes the snap.
He's dropping back, throws...
It is incomplete.
Incomplete. And that
stops the clock
with only 3 seconds remaining.
You ain't gonna let me have it,
are you, lord?
I'm a sinner,
and you're going to fuck me.
3 seconds. Let's go!
Huddle!
48 toss, Billy Clyde, on 2!
It's heavily overcast, the lights are on.
This is the final play of the ball game.
Hose Manning waiting for the snap.
Put the final play into motion.
The pitch is to Puckett.
He's going to score!
Miami wins it!
Go on and do it.
Do it, puddin.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Shake, you mustn't worry
that Barbara Jane hasn't gotten it.
I'm not worried.
People will tell you
mixed marriages don't work,
and it's true because it's so.
Most of them don't.
The truth ain't always what's so.
Exactly. The truth
is also... So what.
We have to look at it that way.
Barbara Jane will get it.
I believe that in my bones.
Sorry. I didn't mean
to say "believe."
It's all right.
Everyone's human.
We all backslide,
get caught up in belief systems.
Friedrich, you must have known
some mixed marriages that have worked,
where one person had it,
and the other one didn't.
Sure. No... that one
didn't work.
I've heard of some.
It doesn't matter.
The most important thing
is that Barbara Jane has her own space.
And she needs a lot of space.
So if you give her her own space,
you'll have her in the palm of your hand.
And you've got a great pair of hands.
Proved that on the field.
You're going to have
the first mixed marriage that works.
There's also the capital gains element,
but you can handle that by setting up
an eleemosynary trust in the Bahamas
and laundering it back
through Switzerland.
Switzerland.
Look at the bright side.
After a year and a half of marriage,
the humping is over.
You get down to your basic friendship.
You and Barbara Jane have
been friends for years.
You're way ahead of the game.
Friedrich doesn't think
she's ever going to get it.
He didn't say that... Exactly.
What do you think?
I'll tell you what I think.
I think b.E.A.T. Is one
of the semi-great things
that I ever took in my life.
I learned how to tell
people things honestly
without worrying about
hurting their feelings,
especially if they've got
their own little space.
They occupy a space
like I occupy my space.
You don't have to worry
about hurting their feelings.
All you have to do
is just let it all hang out.
OK. Let me have it.
I want the truth, Billy Clyde.
So she never gets it,
she's still the same old Barb.
How are you supposed to
share something with somebody
who doesn't even understand
what it is you're supposed to be sharing?
Seems to me you've been
doing all right so far.
Marriage is different.
I acknowledge that.
It's commitment to sharing.
All the time.
Barbara Jane's a girl
that's used to having her own way, shake.
She's got you,
somebody who doesn't mind sharing,
somebody who doesn't mind giving.
All you've got to do
is give her some space.
Barbara Jane needs a whole
piss-pot full of space.
I want to go to India for our honeymoon.
Lot of space there.
She don't want to go.
She'll go, but she don't want to go.
They get that way
when they get to be wives.
Why don't you go to China?
It's close.
When you marry someone,
you want them to want to do
things you want to do, don't you?
Maybe she'd get it if you gave her kids.
Kids? Who said
anything about kids?
God, we don't need any kids now.
I think you should give her kids.
You got to tie her down,
put her on a short leash.
Barbara Jane's got to have
responsibility.
Give her kids, who knows?
Forget about Barbara Jane.
I'm not ready for kids.
All right.
You want to take that chance.
Here comes the bride.
One thing about old Barbara Jane,
no matter how many times
she gets hitched,
she always looks like
it's the first time out of the gate.
Shake, you've been shot
in the ass with luck.
You know why?
'Cause even if b.J.
Never gets it,
even if you have to share all your space
the rest of your life,
it don't matter.
You can handle it
because you're a winner.
You've got a whole winning
life waiting for you.
Just don't think of losing.
Shall we go?
Dearly beloved, this is it.
This is all there is.
There isn't any more.
Life is a shell game without the shell.
There is nothing up
the sleeve of life.
You either get life or you don't,
and if you don't, life...
Gets you.
Mr. bookman.
You two have chosen to be here,
and now, Barbara Jane,
do you take this man
to be your lawfully wedded husband?
To have and to hold,
to share and be shared,
till death do you part?
I do.
And do you, Marvin,
take this woman
to be your lawfully wedded wife,
to have and to hold,
to share and be shared,
till death do you part?
I don't.
I'm sorry. I don't.
I really don't.
Shit.
I'm sorry, Billy Clyde.
I acknowledge that.
Are you walking out on Barbara Jane?
Yes, sir.
A goddamn wide receiver
walking out on Barbara Jane bookman?
I'll trade your ass
to Seattle... tampa!
I'll put you on goddamn waivers.
It's all right, shake.
You're perfect the way you are.
You made a deal to marry!
And, by god, you're gonna marry.
It's all right, Mr. bookman.
All right, my ass!
Sometimes it's better
to say, "I don't."
The hell it is!
Please, young gentlemen!
Stay in your seats!
Nobody leaves!
Please, young gentlemen!
Police officer!
Everybody sit down!
Looks like I've been left at the altar,
Billy Clyde.
Looks like.
Pick up hooper
and give him some air! Up we go!
First marriage I ever
fucked up before the ceremony.
Nobody's perfect.
Well, I guess I ought to go home
and hang my head in shame.
Friedrich's right about one thing.
I sure am an asshole.
Friedrich is an asshole.
Say that again!
Friedrich is an asshole.
You didn't get it?
In the immortal words
of gene autry, "nope."
You son of a bitch.
There goes hooper!
I think we should get out of here
before I have to hit somebody
who can hit me back.
Experience that, you asshole!
You are rotten.
I really should have expected you
to pull something like this.
I haven't felt like this
since you convinced me I was pregnant.
You weren't even 10 years old.
Well, you still had me feeling guilty.
Maybe you were the one.
Is that possible?
It's possible.
You were doing it for me.
Thinking back about it now,
I do feel a little semi-selfish.
Jesus.
What a pair of assholes we are.
Semi-assholes.
Mazel tov!
Thank you.
If she only knew.
If you're going to feel guilty,
why don't you feel guilty in Hawaii.
What's in Hawaii?
Me.
It should have been you up there?
No.
You wouldn't marry me?
No.
I don't like living in sin.
How do you know?
You never tried it.
This is true.
Well, what will we do in Hawaii?
We'll think of something.
There's got to be something else to do.
We'll try something else, too.
You think so?
After all these years?
Might surprise ourselves.
Pair of 3s.
Pair of 5s.
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