Senior Moment (2021) Movie Script

Good morning,
Southern California.
It's 8:00, and it's going to be
another beautiful day
in Palm Springs.
It's your girl Frankie J,
and thank you for listening
to your favorite radio station.
Look at you.
Such a dirty girl.
A good shower before
a wild ride is all you need.
You make heads turn.
I like that.
- Hi, Victor!
- Hi!
In local news,
Major Victor Martin
won the Sweet Ride
Antique Roadster division.
Way to go, Major.
Your local news
is brought to you
by your friends
at the Cuckoo Caf.
Stop by and check out
their famous strudel
and art gallery.
Hey, Victor!
Sal, what are you doing
with all those old people?
We learned how to do
It's good for you.
It stretches the hips,
Let's go.
Aye, aye, aye, aye.
Nice car.
Nice Chihuahua.
What? Why don't you sell it?
I can't hear you!
Turn that thing down!
You're too old for that car,
Why don't you sell it to me?
How about never?
Man, a man your age
should be zipping around
on one of them scooter things.
- Do you know that guy?
- No.
What do they call a cholo
who drives an Impala?
Small theft auto.
What was it like growing up
riding dinosaurs?
Good one.
Yo, why do you still drive
that thing anyway?
You can't even
get it up anymore.
Listen to that big, bad hombre.
You want to see me get it up?
Sure. If you got what it takes.
All right, let's do this.
Oh, boy.
Victor, Victor, Victor.
I guess it's true what they say:
You can't teach an old dog
new tricks.
That son of a bitch set me up.
All right, I want you
to look me in the eyes
when I tell you this.
I'm looking. You got great eyes.
Doesn't she got beautiful eyes?
- Yeah, you got beautiful eyes.
- Guys, I'm serious.
I know you like your ride,
but it's got to stop.
This new DA means business.
She's cracking down big time
on you seniors.
She's cracking down.
Fail to use your turn signal,
you get a ticket.
Driving too slow, ticket.
You know how it is.
Pick your friends,
pick your nose,
Can't pick your friend's nose.
- What?
- Promise me, Victor,
no more shenanigans.
No more shenanigans,
I get to pick your nose.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Victor...
Thanks for the heads-up, Nancy.
Like two hard-boiled eggs
doing the salsa, mm.
Hello, Billy.
- Sonia, honey...
- Hm?
...can I get another slice
of that strudel, please?
Are you sure?
Oh, I can't get enough.
Let me see if Caroline
is still baking.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hm.
Billy wants more.
Ooh, sorry.
Oh, it's gorgeous.
Thanks somewhat.
It's for the auction.
Oh, I don't know
how to thank you.
Big day, Victor.
Today you made it
on the cover of Sweet Ride.
You never done that before,
have you?
- No, it's the first time, man.
- Yeah.
I mean, I'm so excited.
I like to make the guys jealous.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
You'll have a great time.
- I'll try to come.
- Really? All right.
Look. Now, right in there.
Oh, that's a good one.
Oh! I think I'm getting aroused.
Good, she's a beautiful girl.
I'm talking about the car.
When's this going
to hit the stands?
In August.
That's around the corner.
Holy shit.
What is that?
Oh, that's Ted Garvin.
There's no way
that that's Ted Garvin.
That's because the last time
you saw him,
he was cruising around
in his Caddy,
puffing a Cuban.
The picture of a happily
retired man.
What happened?
Story I heard,
he hit a kid on a bike.
Months, maybe two months ago.
Barely grazed him,
but the parents sued,
and he wound up
losing his license, his car,
and most of his hair.
They took away his Caddy?
Oh, Jesus.
Look who's here. Hey, honey!
- Hey, baby!
- Hi.
Oh, I'm so glad you made it!
Oh! Great!
- Yeah.
- Danny, Mike.
- Sal. Guys.
- Hey.
Yeah, she's the model, man.
The model.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Captain Hook's
piano bar.
Put your hands together
and help me welcome up
our unofficial host.
He's calling me up. I got to go.
- Okay.
- Do us proud, Vic.
Do us proud.
Major Victor Martin!
Hey! Hey!
Thank you so much. Thank you.
Yeah, this is our bar.
We love it here.
We welcome you
to Captain Hook's bar,
because once you come in,
you're hooked.
And we reel you back in!
Oh, yeah.
- You miss me?
- Oh, so much.
I can't believe
you got her number.
I think she has the hots for me.
Well, maybe.
Danny and Mike,
they almost had a heart attack.
Ha, ha, ha.
- Look who it is.
- Hey, sorry, old man. I couldn't resist.
Cop was just waiting there
with a big old butterfly net.
I'm glad somebody
got a laugh out of it.
You want to do it for real
this time?
- Get out of here, old man.
- Come on.
Hey, you in, dipshit?
- Oh!
- Oh!
I don't know what happened.
Oh! Oh!
Are you okay?
I'm too old for this shit!
Mr. Martin, I'm going to ask you
one more time.
Are you waiving your right
to an attorney?
Absolutely, Your Honor.
This is an open-and-shut case.
I'm a pilot.
I know how to drive a car.
Very well. Proceed.
The defense calls, um...
its first witness...
Mr. Salvatore Giuseppe Spinelli.
Mr. Spinelli, would you please
come forward?
Your hat, sir.
- Remove your hat, please.
- Oh.
Place your right hand
on the Bible.
Do you solemnly swear the
testimony you are about to give
will be the truth,
the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth,
so help you God?
- I do.
- Be seated.
Good afternoon, Mr. Spinelli.
Good afternoon, Mr. Martin.
Mr. Spinelli, would you please
inform the court
how long you've known
the defendant?
Well, we met at Carleton High.
Freshman-year phys ed.
In square dancing class.
There weren't enough girls,
so the teacher paired us up.
And knowing the defendant as...
Knowing the defendant
as well as you do...
how would you describe
his character?
What-What-What kind
of man is he?
The bravest man I know.
Fought in Nam.
Tested jets for NASA.
A true American hero.
And the best damn friend
I could ever have hoped for,
I'll tell you that.
Thank you, Sal.
How many times would you say
you've driven
with the defendant?
Too many to count!
Way up in the thousands,
at least.
Would you describe him
as reckless?
Confident, maybe.
But never reckless.
This community
is attracting a younger crowd.
And it is our priority...
indeed our economic necessity...
to welcome them.
Drivers like Mr. Martin
are ticking time bombs
on wheels.
And I, for one,
don't want to wait around
for these bombs to go off
and kill innocent people.
So I'm here today to plead
that the court
do whenever it can
to defuse these bombs
for the public's safety,
as well as that of the driver.
After careful review
of the evidence and testimony,
I am compelled to rule
in favor of the state.
Mr. Martin,
under California Vehicle Code
at sections 13100-13376,
I am hereby revoking
your driver's license
and ordering that your car
be impounded
until you can clearly prove
to this court
that you're fit to drive and
able to obey our traffic laws.
You will have an opportunity
to retest in the next 30 days.
Where do you think
they're taking her?
The impound out on Bancroft.
Looks more like a junkyard
if you ask me.
Oh, that's a shame.
Name's Kendall. Rock Kendall.
I specialize in helping guys
like you get their car back.
Call me.
Come on, Timmy.
What the...?
Why'd you do that?
Cheap suit. White sneakers.
Who dress like that?
I wouldn't trust him
as far as I could spit.
No, no, no, I'm going
to take the test next week
and pass it with flying colors.
Should we grab it?
You're kidding me, right?
Victor Martin does not
take the bus.
Not now, not ever.
Losers take the bus.
Losers and old people.
Okay, right here.
Thirty-two, plus tip.
Plus tip?
Whoa, what a day.
Mm, tell me about it.
You work too hard.
No, really, I think I need
to hire an extra person.
- That's for...
- No.
No, no, no, no. I insist.
I insist. Take it, take it.
It's yours.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Don't you dare.
Aw, you're too sweet.
We're heading back.
Oh, well, I'm staying.
I'll catch a cab back.
Don't stay out too late.
You got your big test tomorrow.
Oh, come on, I... I can drive
around those cones in my sleep.
- Good night, miss.
- Good night.
- What?
- Take this.
No, I don't... I...
Take it. Take it.
I totally, totally...
- If you don't mind me asking...
- I don't mind.
What's a man like you still
doing chasing younger women?
You mean a man my age?
Because they're so beautiful.
Fair enough.
Hey, I hope I don't come off
like a chauvinist pig.
Pigs are very smart.
Do you want to come
to a pool party with me?
This is amazing.
Hey, come on.
Victor! Victor, come on!
- Wanna get some?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
- What are you doing?
- Oh, my... No.
- It'll be fun. Come on.
I'm not going
to take off my pants.
- Whoo!
- Hey!
Whoo! Come on in!
Car handles like a goddamn tank.
Well, you drive it like a tank.
Think I killed them?
Not sure about the kid.
But the mother?
God, the sun's in my eyes.
I can hardly see.
Just pull over.
Carlos Diaz?
Congratulations, Mr. Diaz,
the only one who had
a perfect score today.
Take this to Window 12
and schedule your driving test.
Mr. Martin?
Victor Martin?
Mr. Martin?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey there, Mr. Martin.
What's up, dude?
Where's the car?
Open the door!
Open the... Oh, shit.
Sir? Are you okay?
Just getting a beer.
Hey, isn't that my...?
What? What the...?
What the hell?
Hey, wait. Hey! Hey!
- Oh!
- Oh!
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Are you all right?
It feels like I'm riding
a bucking bronco here.
Yes. Oh, God.
- So sorry.
- No, it's all right.
Oh, your bag tore.
Oh, dearie. You know what?
I have... I have an extra bag.
Put them in here.
- I'm so sorry.
- It's okay.
"Potassium sorbate,
"...natural, artificial flavors,
calcium phos..."
I am starting to salivate.
This is to die for.
Making fun of my honey buns.
Oh, my God.
Oh, boy.
I'll be a son of a bitch.
I am hereby revoking
your driver's license.
Evoking your driver's license. R.
Here it is.
Kendal and Associates.
How'd you find it?
- Checked it on Google.
- Google?
The DMV's top examiner's name
is Larry "Lockdown" Mipps.
Yeah, I know him.
Well, let's have a little look
at his handiwork, shall we?
Now, this is the test course
before Mipps.
Look at how much space there is
between those cones.
This is the test course
after Mipps.
See how much closer
those cones are?
Who could do that?
That is where I come in.
For just $799,
I will personally train you
to beat that course.
I want you to listen to me,
and I want you
listen to me good,
because I'm only going
to say this once.
This is not about you
getting back your license
to drive, damn it.
This is about you...
getting back your license
to live.
And would you happen to know
who Mr. Mipps' best friend is?
It's none other...
than Tess Woodson.
Your favorite DA.
Get her.
Oh! Focus, Victor, focus.
And, by the way, on one leg.
One leg?
Oh. Timmy, would you mind
demonstrating the proper way
to throw a dart?
One leg.
What are you doing?
I'm just trying to gauge
your reflexes.
Got it?
Got it.
Look, before I join
your little program,
I need to know how you plan
on finagling my retest.
Not everybody knows this,
but according to the state code,
buried deep in Article 14,
Section 3,
you have a right
to a medical waiver.
And that means all I have to do
is file a standard DMV form.
And before you can say,
"Where the hell
are my car keys?"
You have a retest date.
Well, what happens
if I don't have
a medical condition?
How old are you?
- 72.
- That's a medical problem.
All right, so, what are we
waiting around for?
File the damn papers.
Timmy, if you could, could you
file the form posthaste?
Now, I got to warn you, Major,
the next few weeks are going
to be your toughest
since boot camp.
You think you can
prepare for that?
- I can handle it.
- Yeah?
- How bad you want that car back?
- I can handle it.
I can handle it. I want it...
I want the goddamn car back!
Oh, see?
That's what I'm talking about.
That's the fire I need.
Of all the cafs in
all the towns in all the world.
I had to walk into yours.
- Your place?
- Yes, sir.
I must have driven past here
a thousand times.
Well, it's never too late.
Let's make this official.
Caroline Summers.
- Victor Martin.
- Nice to meet you.
Impressive place.
And what about the cuckoo?
Oh, he's extinct.
He never comes out.
Can I get you a table
by the window?
Oh, I've always been
a counter man myself.
Alrighty, then.
Well, belly up to the bar, then.
What do you recommend?
Our strudel was just named
Pastry of the Year
by Palm Springs Magazine.
We beat out a red velvet cupcake
with pomegranate frosting.
Well, that is stiff competition.
Strudel it is.
Sonia, this is Victor.
- Hi.
- Victor, this is Sonia.
- What do you say, Sonia?
- Nice to meet you.
Now, Victor, I know that you
love your honey buns,
but I think you're going to like
this just a wee bit better.
- You ready?
- Mm-hm.
All right,
this is the big test now.
Oh, my God.
- Well? Did I lie?
- Oh!
Wow, look at this.
"Art auction. Proceeds to help
save the desert turtle."
- Tortoise.
- Tortoise. Excuse me.
And what about the cuckoo?
I'd have an art auction for him.
Poor little guy. Look at him.
Is there a story there?
yeah, there is.
Maybe next time.
Right now I'm trying
to figure out this app.
Can't help you there.
I'm still working on Snapshot.
What are you laughing at?
It's not Snapshot.
It's Snapchat.
Oh. See? I can't even
help you with the name.
My God.
This is the best I ever had.
- Good, I'm glad you like it.
- Yeah.
It's 100% organic.
Well, I think I'm having
an reaction.
I'm having an allergic reaction.
- Should I call 911?
- I'm having titanium chloride withdrawal.
- Mm-hm.
- Get me something from the package.
It'll be...
I'm better now.
- Yeah. Okay.
- Hey.
Trust me, this is better than
any driving simulator out there.
- Right. Okay.
- Come on.
- All you.
- All right, let's do this.
Oh, this is ridiculous.
Come on.
- Yeah.
- I think we'd better try something else.
One more time,
how does this prepare me
to get my license back?
Builds toughness.
Competitive drive.
- Yeah?
- Agility.
Plus the fact that I just loved
playing it when I was a kid.
Oh! Oh!
Come on, Sal. Come on...
Oh! Put it up.
Put it up! Put it up! Oh!
- Whoa!
- Yay!
Victor, take it out.
Come on, find the pairs.
Got this. Over here is...
Come on, Victor. Concentrate.
Well, it's...
Come on, Victor. Concentrate.
I'm trying, I'm trying.
Okay, so...
Ace of hearts is...
I can't.
That's the whole point, Victor.
If you get distracted
by some pretty young thing
during the test,
it is bye-bye,
little silver Porsche.
- You're all cracked out!
- I can't do it, man!
- I can't!
- Okay, all right. Okay.
I can't do that in my face
every three seconds.
- All right, let's...
- Hi, how are you?
...let's call it a day,
shall we?
- Oh, geez.
- Nice work, girls.
Yes. Yeah.
And-And five gallons
of cider, please.
No, wait, wait.
Make that six. Yeah.
Whoa, hold on. What...
What are you doing?
I'm trying to figure out
what the heck is wrong with it.
What's he doing?
Trying to fix the cuckoo.
Do not go there.
No, Victor, really,
don't bother.
It just... It hasn't worked
in forever.
It's just...
I'm sorry, yes.
Yes, that's everything.
Thanks so much. Bye.
So, you really want to hear
the story of the cuckoo clock?
Yeah, I really want to hear
the story of the cuckoo clock.
Unless you're tired of telling
the story of the cuckoo clock.
No, no, no, no, no.
I mean, do you have
to be anywhere?
My evening's wide open.
Okay, because...
the telling of the story
of the cuckoo clock
needs a certain just-right
Some wine...
A little wine.
And a little time.
Well, you got me all intrigued.
I thought all wine was organic.
Oh, please tell me
that you've been living
in a cave all these years.
Well, a nicely furnished one.
Well, here's to healthy wine.
Here's to healthy wine.
The story of the cuckoo clock...
is really the story of a spell.
A spell!
If you interrupt me,
bad things happen.
He doesn't move,
but he always is watching.
The cuckoo clock
was made in Sebastopol in 1898
by Omar Hussein al-Aman.
He was an old jeweler.
Legend has it he was 123.
Now, the clock is his
It's taken him 11 years
to create it.
It's finally complete.
He brings it home
and he hangs it on the wall
next to a portrait
of his wife, Helene.
She was his one
and only true love.
And he says,
"I made this in memory
of our love, my darling."
And then he goes to bed
and he closes his eyes.
And at the stroke of midnight,
he never opens them again.
And it's said that his spirit
inhabits the clock.
So that, my good man,
is the story of my cuckoo clock.
And the spell?
Well, you know what? I don't...
I'm not sure, exactly.
You know, it is kind of the...
You know, if the cuckoo
ever cuckoos again
and someone is...
You know, and I don't know.
Nobody really knows for sure.
Good or bad?
You know.
You want the sports section,
No, I'm okay.
Hey. Hey!
That's my car.
I thought your car
was in the pound.
I thought so too.
Hey! Hey!
Vic, they don't open.
Hey, that's my car!
Hey, wait a minute.
Open the doors!
Hey! Hey!
Hey, that's my car!
Hey! Ah!
Oh, shit!
Hey. Hey.
Yo, gringo, you okay?
Just a second.
Here's what I need you to do.
Oh! Go!
By the way,
mi nombre es Torres.
Mi es nombre Victor Martin.
I can't go in.
Why not?
I don't intend to go back
in la pinta.
Pinta, man. Jail.
One more strike
and I'm off for a while.
Hey! You got a permit
to be in here?
I saw someone driving my car
just a while ago.
No one took your car, old man.
Now get out before I have you
arrested for trespassing.
Get out of here.
I'll be back for you.
- Motherfucker.
- Crazy old man.
- So?
- Found her.
She was waiting for me.
I got to get her back.
Listen, Vic,
you give me a call anytime
you need a ride, all right?
I feel bad about all this.
Your car wouldn't be in here...
No, no, no, no, no.
Not your fault.
You're not the only dipshit
at this party. art auction tonight
at the Cuckoo Caf.
All proceeds will go to save
the desert tortoises.
Make sure you
and all your friends show up.
We've come to fix the clock.
Ha! My name is
Victor Von Martin.
Former jet pilot,
insane mechanical skills.
This is Salvatore Spinelli.
Salvatore, jeweler, 42 years.
Forty-three, actually.
Nice to meet you.
Victor, I really appreciate
your enthusiasm, but no.
The cuckoo will cuckoo no more.
Fraulein, you insult me.
He told me about the spell.
I need to know.
- What's that?
- 123-year-old guy
who fondled himself.
- That's a good tone.
- Good tone.
Gain weight, lose weight.
- Yeah.
- Hey, I see...
I saw. I saw.
This is so much better.
This is what
Sherlock Holmes used.
- There we go.
- Look at that.
It's coming together, man.
Lots of cogs?
Lots of cogs.
- You know what that is?
- Yeah.
- A counter cog.
- Yeah.
- Wow.
- Hey.
- Wow.
- What do you see?
Eight, seven,
six, five,
four, three,
two, one!
Come on, baby!
- Come on.
- Come on!
Oh, shoot.
I'm so sorry, man.
Well, we just...
You did it! You did it!
You did it!
- I can't believe you did it!
- Yes!
I can't believe you did it!
I can't believe it either.
I can't believe it either.
Are you all right?
Yes. Yes.
And the spell...
What a beautiful thing.
I guess.
I can't believe
grandma was right.
I'll meet the one and only...
When the cuckoo strikes again.
Don't say it! Don't say it!
Oh, wow.
Hey, Sal.
- Yeah?
- Can I ask you a question?
How long were you married
with Jenny?
Forty-two years.
And, Sal, how is it?
I mean, you know, I'd see you
squabbling every now and then.
Ah. Ups and downs.
But I'd do it all over again.
- You would?
- Yeah.
Give me that.
You ready to settle down?
How would you like to go
to an auction tonight?
Well, well, well.
Look at the two of you.
A couple of Hollywood
leading men.
You look ravishing.
Yeah. Gorgeous dress.
Oh, thanks, guys.
This picture,
where'd you take it?
Gosh, that was
my very first assignment
for National Geographic.
They sent me out in the desert
to photograph the wildlife.
And just as I arrived,
this little fella showed up
and smiled at me.
Oh, wow.
Anyway, let's get
this auction started.
save the tortoise.
Save the desert. Save the world.
Save the tortoise, Victor.
I might just do that.
And the current bid is $350.
350 going once. 350 going twice.
sold to that beautiful woman
in the front row.
Our next item is our very own
hostess's award-winning photo
of a happy desert tortoise.
So let's start the bidding
at $500.
Anybody for $500?
Five hundred. Five hundred.
There's a bid for 500,
boom, right there.
Anybody for 600? How about $600?
- Six hundred!
- Six hundred there.
Why are we stopping?
Now let's go to 700.
$700 is the...
Seven hundred
is the bid right there.
$700 for Caroline's
beautiful photo
of a happy desert tortoise
that needs our help.
One thousand.
One thousand it is right there.
The bid is at one grand.
One grand, everybody.
Twelve hundred.
The bid is at 1,200.
$1,200 for that...
- Three thousand.
- Three thousand dollars,
- ladies and gentlemen.
- Five thousand!
Five thousand.
Five thousand dollars
is the current bid.
Victor, you got that kinda dough
to spend on a turtle?
Five thousand going twice.
Five thousand...
Ten thousand dollars!
Ten thousand dollars is the bid.
Ten thousand dollars. Oh, my.
In the room,
ten thousand going once.
Ten thousand going twice.
Ten thousand going three times.
And sold to Seor Diego Lozano!
Are you comin'?
Ah, I think
I'll stick around a while.
She's a good woman, lucky you.
Talk to you tomorrow.
Hey, goodnight, Sal.
Thanks for coming.
Whoo, what a night.
We raised a lot of money.
We did.
Where does this...
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Put that down.
I have a much better idea.
Follow me.
Oh, no. No, thank you.
You smoke often?
Often enough.
Does wonders for my arthritis.
Where do you buy it?
I don't. I grow it.
Why do you think
my strudels is so popular?
Hey, I better try some of that.
Secret to the strudel.
- Wow. Not bad.
- Ahh...
You know, it's funny.
If it wasn't for the bus,
we never would've met
and my clock would still be
without its cuckoo.
Yeah, I mean, talk about cuckoo.
Oh, come on.
You're a pilot.
You're used to getting high.
Yeah, but this grass is Mach 12.
I haven't heard it called grass
since the '70s.
You don't look like
a bus guy to me.
My dear,
let me show you something.
- Isn't she a beauty?
- Mm.
Judge took it away from me
and my license.
I miss her.
We've been together a long time.
Sorta get, uh, used to things.
I suppose you do.
But wait, wait,
let me see that again.
- Oh, no.
- What? What?
You're the...
You almost killed
half a dozen people down there.
Down where?
Oh, come here.
Does that look familiar?
You're an idiot!
I was an idiot.
I'm not gonna do that again.
I don't want to lose her again.
- Why is she that important?
- She's my youth.
On the other hand,
if I hadn't lost her,
I wouldn't have found you.
That was good. I like that.
I retest for my license
next week.
Then I'll be able
to take you for a ride.
So, you, you ever been married?
Me? Oh, no, no.
I think I'm too revolutionary
in my relationships.
As my very Bohemian father
used to say,
marriage is all about
property and ownership.
It's got nothing to do
with love.
And what about love? Where does that
fit in your revolutionary doctrine?
You're a very inquisitive man.
I've been in love, yes.
All great, exciting men.
One lasted a train ride
from Paris to Istanbul.
Another one lasted as long
as my assignment in Cairo.
I did a shoot there
of the Pyramids.
God, that was fun.
Except I got pregnant.
- You have a child?
- Mm-hmm.
So what about you, Top Gun?
You ever been in love?
Oh, once. Third grade.
Laura Swanbrow.
My desk was right behind hers.
I used to lean in
and blow on her ear.
How did that work for you?
She reported me
to the principal.
Why did you do that, Laura?
Why did you...
Wow. I went out there.
I was on a trip.
I... I should probably
call you an Uber.
A what?
It's a taxi.
Oh. Okay.
I'll need your address.
Come on, get dressed.
I want to show you something.
I'll wait in the car.
Where are we going?
It's a surprise.
Visit the tortoises?
Come on.
Let's go.
- What do you think?
- Oh, my gosh.
Now, I don't know much
about cars,
so which one's the best?
They're all fantastic.
I know, but which one
do you wanna try?
Oh, Caroline!
Why are you doing this for me?
You did something for me.
I do something for you.
That's fair.
I don't have my license.
Oh, no, it's okay.
It's a private track, you don't need it.
Now come on, pick one.
Oh, pretty.
Get in.
Well, what do you think?
How did you arrange all this?
My friend owns the track.
No. Wow.
Well, get in.
Oh, no,
I don't do that sort of thing.
No, if you don't get in,
I'm not driving.
Oh, no, no, no!
There's cones! There's cones!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I wanna get out.
- You were great!
- Whoo!
Oh, I don't know if
I can stand on my own feet.
That was beautiful.
Just like the old days.
Only better.
The fastest car I ever drove
was a Beetle.
Thank you.
For the car or the kiss?
Wanna try another one?
Car or kiss?
- That one!
- Oh, yes, that one!
Would you mind
calling me an Uber?
There's something else
I want you to show you.
And here we are.
Holy Toledo.
I have something for you.
Wow. I thought you said
there was only one.
I had two made.
And I though
you should have one.
You know, I was thinking...
I like fast cars,
you like tortoises.
Oh, dear. I think you have
the wrong idea about me.
Oh? How's that?
Oh, gosh, I don't know.
I haven't always been
this old lady.
You're not old.
I'm not old. We're young.
Just double the age.
I'm still trying to figure out
what I'm gonna do
when I grow up.
Well, then... let's not.
In fact, after today,
I like fast cars.
Oh, wow.
Oh, my God.
Wait, let me get my shoes off.
- Okay, okay.
- Let me get my shoes off.
Ooh. Mm.
- You okay?
- Yeah.
Here, sip this. Sip this.
Oh, yeah, I'm okay.
- Better?
- Yeah.
If my cough lasts more than
four hours, call my doctor.
Mm. Oh.
Good morning.
- Oh.
- What?
I have to get up.
- No. No, no, no.
- I have to open the cafe.
- I do. I do. I do.
- No, don't go.
- Wait, wait, wait. Wait.
- Mm.
- Yeah, that was the pill.
- I know.
- Just one more time.
- Oh.
What color pills do you take?
I didn't take any.
Oh, my God.
I want to ask you something.
I took the test,
it was negative.
Not that bad.
It's the tortoises.
I need press.
I need to raise more money.
I need publicity.
You think you can help me?
I'd be honored.
Thank you.
Let's go here.
Ah. Um...
Go away. Go away.
Let's see...
Go away. Go away.
All right, all right!
- Yeah!
- Yeah! Yeah!
Don't hurt me.
Well, well,
if it isn't Victor Martin,
the man who lies in your bed
while he lies to your face.
Hi, Amy.
I thought you left town.
No, I'm still here.
Just I got.. Tied up
with certain issues.
You were never gonna call me.
No. Yes, I was gonna call you.
- You're an ass.
- But like I...
I got it! I got it!
Never fear, Victor is here.
Hey, Amy.
I am really sorry
I didn't call you.
I really... I really...
I really meant to call you.
It's just that I got tied up
with some serious issues.
Gosh. Victor, are you okay?
No, no, I'm fine,
I'm fine, considering.
But thank you for asking.
And... And... And... I, uh...
I promise you, I will call you
as soon as things get back to...
to normal.
Can I ask you a small favor?
Someone stole your car?
Son of a bitch.
I hope they find out
whoever did it
and string 'em up by their toes.
We had some good times
in that car.
We sure did.
You see that red Jeep
up ahead there?
You know who Diego Lozano is?
Of course I know.
He's an amazing artist.
Yeah, amazing.
I think he's in that...
I think he's in that, uh, Jeep.
What're you doing?
I dropped my wallet.
Forget your wallet.
He's right there.
What the hell's wrong with you?
He's with my girlfriend!
That's what the hell's wrong with me.
This address, quickly.
Hey, that's not cheap.
You again?
I don't care. Do it.
Do it. Do it.
And don't forget the tip
this time, huh?
Hey! That's my cart!
I'll have it back
in 15 minutes, I promise!
Come back here! Asshole!
This is perfect.
No way.
Wait, my dear.
Okay, I'll wait.
So good.
Oh, my God!
Listen to me.
He's peeping
through the windows.
Either that or he's pissing
in the petunias.
I can't talk right now.
Are you with Caroline?
I'm not sure.
Whadya mean, you're not sure?
Is she there?
Yes. No. Sort of.
Victor, what's going on?
Step away from the bushes.
Victor, that you?
I can't talk to you right now.
Oh, hi, Nance.
What are you doing
in the bushes?
Looking for my ball.
Idyllwild 3.
That's what you were doing?
Looking for your ball?
I hooked it badly
and it came in here and...
There it is.
Well, I'll be damned.
Idyllwild 3.
Well, isn't this
a pleasant surprise.
Can I come in?
What's wrong?
You... hanging out
with Mr. Artiste.
That's what's wrong.
And that's wrong how?
Goddamn it, Caroline.
You were completely naked
with another man.
- That what's wrong.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Please don't tell me
you were spying on us.
Of course
I wasn't spying on you.
I was playing golf.
Looking for my ball.
Little did I realize
that I'd find you instead...
naked with another man!
That's what's wrong.
Um, I really can't
handle this right now.
I need you to leave.
Please get out of my cafe.
Okay. Victor Martin will never
set foot in your kooky cafe again.
Have a nice life.
Thank you very much.
The same to you.
But not too nice!
Oh, hi. Hi, baby.
Hi, Mom.
Oh, Mom!
- Oh, sorry. Sorry.
- Wow, you're a little drunk.
I had one glass.
After another.
Mom. Hey.
Did he dump you?
I dumped him.
I thought...
Why did he have to see that?
I-I can't stand jealous fools.
Jealous of who?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Here you go.
Put that on.
What about La Pinta?
I'll take my chances.
You got it.
- I'll get this.
- No, it's okay. It's okay.
Watch yourself.
Sharp stuff here.
Wait a minute. Wait.
Wait a minute.
This is where it was.
Hey, I see it, over here.
Let's take a closer look.
Just bring her back by midnight.
Otherwise I keep the deposit.
Now that's a goddamn car.
You son of a bitch!
You're renting out my car!
Oh, shit!
You can't prove a thing,
old man.
Well, maybe I can't,
but that camera can.
That camera hasn't worked
since I started working here.
You little shit!
This one works.
And it's streaming live
to my friends, the policia.
- Victor!
- Oh, shit!
All right, all right.
You're gonna be fine.
Let's get you in the car.
Let's get you in the car.
Let's get you in the car.
I... I can't... I can't breathe.
I can't breathe.
Hot pursuit,
convertible Porsche.
Pull over to the side.
Oh, not good.
Pull over!
Pull over!
He had a heart attack!
I'm taking him to the hospital!
Christ. Get behind us!
Ealth emergency. Heart attack. H
eed backup. N
eading for Mercy Hospital now. H.
- Okay, Victor.
- All right, Victor.
- Okay. You're gonna be fine.
- We got you. It's all right.
Everything's okay.
You're gonna be okay.
All right, here we go.
- There we go. Up.
- All right.
That's it.
You know when you have a near-death experience
and you have that moment of clarity?
Well, mine was I don't
wanna end up like Ted Garvin.
That's it?
Whadya mean, that's it?
I don't know.
Seems like a near-death experience
would give you more than that.
All right. How about...
I wanna end up with Caroline.
Wow. Well,
how you gonna do that?
Well, uh, all right.
When does that arts and crafts class
start at your senior living facility?
In about 45 minutes.
Take me to my room.
All right.
What are you doin'?
Get that. Get that.
- What?
- Get the...
Get the thing off!
Help me out with my pants.
Okay, what? What?
What do you want?
- Huh?
- Awkward.
Awkward. Awkward. Jesus.
Your feet are clammy.
What's yuck?
That's it.
What're you doin'?
I got a plan.
So sorry. Um...
If I may have
your attention, please.
Uh, unfortunately, Ms. Wilson,
uh, couldn't make it,
so I'm going to be your
interim project coordinator.
There ya go.
All right.
How many of you,
uh, like tortoises?
Oh, great. That's great.
So Let me tell you
what I have in mind.
Now ya got it. Now ya got it.
Oh, yeah, baby! Come on!
This is gonna be terrific.
Some more over there.
That's wonderful.
Yes. That's fantastic.
Whoa. That is wonderful.
Yeah, that's it. That's good.
Lonesome George was the last
of the Pinta Island Tortoises.
He passed away
on June 24th, 2012.
Wait, wait, wait!
Please. Please.
Give us a chance.
Ten more minutes.
We're expecting a large crowd.
I promise.
Just five more minutes. Yeah?
So when we say,
Save the Tortoise,
what we're also saying is,
Save Us.
All of us.
You. Me.
Our kids. Our grandchildren.
Because when we allow a species
this important
to a healthy environment
to die out,
then we have to ask ourselves:
What's next?
Who's next?
Thank you. Thanks a lot.
That was wonderful.
Oh, I thought we'd have
a bigger turnout.
Well, it's all right.
Are you getting this?
What's that?
Hi, everyone.
I live in the desert
and I don't do much
most of the time.
It's too hot out here.
So I dig underground burrows
where I spend
a good part of my life.
I can live up to 30 years,
just like a human,
and I grow slow.
Very slowly.
After many centuries
on this earth,
I am now classified
as a vulnerable species.
- Oh, no!
- Oh, shit!
Oh, my gosh!
Ms. Summers, for KMIR news,
just a few words
about your organization...
It's Save the Tortoises,
the desert tortoises.
They're an endangered species
What a disaster.
Yeah. Oh, well.
Let's go home, my friend.
I believe we lose
a little bit of our soul
when we lose the natural world.
Breaking news. KMIR exclusive.
Today at the tortoise rally.
- Oh, no!
- Oh, shit!
It just kept going up
and up and up and up.
Forecast, plenty
of sunshine through today
with seasonal temperatures,
strong southwesterly winds...
Come on, baby.
What's up, dude?
Hey, dude.
Hey. Hey, dude.
Hey, little dude.
Hey, little dude.
Dude, last time I checked,
your video had over
a half a million hits.
It's blowin' up!
Is that... Is that good?
Oh, yes.
It means you're a celebrity.
It's amazing.
It's popular?
Half a million hits.
I thought it was, uh...
You mean it's...
It's definitely this.
It's definitely this.
You're the dude.
Thank you.
That's it!
It's okay. It's okay.
Make a righthand turn
out of the lot.
That's it!
Okay. I'm looking both ways.
I'm looking back.
I'm clear.
I've got my turn signals on.
Away I go.
I'm turning.
I see a car in the back.
I don't see any more cars.
I'm ready and clear.
What are you doing?
I'm sorry, Mr. Mipps.
I'm sorry.
Save the tortoise.
Permit holder,
report to the front desk.
I'm not sure.
I don't know.
Did it look good?
Why isn't Mipps comin' out?
I don't know.
Oh, hold on.
Hey. Hey, Mipps, come here.
What do you say?
- Thanks.
- You bet.
I got your license back.
I got your car back,
the love of your life.
That's what I did.
I gave you your life back.
I'm coming.
I believe you've met Sonia.
Sonia, remember Victor?
Nice to see you again.
You want some strudel?
Sonia, will you please get
Victor a piece of strudel?
So did you come here
for a reason?
I got my license back.
I'm not sure I like that.
I'd like to take you for a ride.
Would you?
So now you want me and the car.
- Victor, you don't...
- Listen...
Enjoy it.
Oh, you're leaving?
- Yes.
- Oh.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
Let me introduce you
to Brian, my husband.
Hi, Victor.
Hello, Brian.
It's a pleasure.
He's gorgeous, I know.
Listen, about that painting...
almost done.
Oh, okay. Thanks.
Okay, let's go.
See you soon.
See ya.
I've been an idiot.
Yes, you have.
I owe you an apology.
Shut up, Victor Martin.
Lookin' good.
Good morning.
Torres, Caroline.
Caroline, Torres.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, a gentleman.
Thank you, seorita.
What's up, Vic?
Wanna start her up?
Hold on.
Why don't you do the honors?
You serious?
You hear that?
Just like new. Ooh.
Why don't you take her out
for a test drive?
Now you're playin' with me.
No. Why don't you try her?
See if you like her.
And if you do, if you're
happy, make me an offer.
I'm sure we can come up
with a payment schedule.
Whoa. Now hold on. This...
This is your car, Victor.
You know, your baby.
Why would you
ever wanna sell it?
Let alone to me?
'Cause I have already
found myself my baby.
It's dipshit.
Oh, no.
Don't even think about it.
Fasten your seatbelt.
- Victor!
- Here we go!
Oh, gosh!
Yahoo! Yah! Yah! Yah! Whoo-hoo!