Set It Up (2018) Movie Script

[phones ringing]
[woman 1] Jessica, the phones!
[man 1] Jonathan, cancel my 10:00.
[man 2] Conor, get in here. Conor?
- [woman 2] Bring me my lunch!
- [man 3] What's my password?
[woman 2] Rachel, where were you?
Were you in the back?
[Martha Reeves & The Vandellas'
"Nowhere to Run" playing]
Nowhere to run to, baby
Nowhere to hide
[man] Hey! What's-your-face.
Nowhere to run to, baby
Nowhere to hide
No, no, no. I said no onions.
I said onions were fatal.
As in if there are onions,
I will be killed.
I know it says, "Do not duplicate,"
but my boss says, "Do duplicate."
And right now, her rules supersede
the state of New York's.
Janet, I've got a master's in sociology
and nothing else to do today.
Put me on hold as long as you want.
I'm not hanging up
until his seat is bumped to first class.
- [cell phone ringing]
- I'm coming.
I'm coming.
I'm coming.
[man] Hi, Tammy.
He wanted me to let you know
that he's breaking up with you
and he needs you
out of the apartment by 6:00.
[Tammy] You think you can break up
with me? I wanna talk to Richard.
- Get that asshole on the phone.
- [sighs]
Get this to my doctor.
That needs to be warm.
And ask if it's contagious.
Each night as I sleep
Into my heart you creep
I wake up feelin' sorry I met you
Hoping soon that I'll forget you
When I look in the mirror
To comb my hair
I see your face just a smiling there
Be free. Heh. Save yourself.
- Are you trying to starve me?
- No.
My bones are eating themselves.
Order me that thing
that I like from that place
with the gay waiter.
We're doing a second dinner?
And make sure that this is at 10,000 steps
before Yuvus gets here tomorrow.
I do not want him to think I was not
working out between sessions.
Got it.
[chuckles] Hi, yes. Oh, my God.
I've been on hold for so long.
Yes, the truffle mac and cheese,
the kale salad...
and a hamburger.
Forty-five minutes? Is there any way
it could be five minutes instead?
That's fine.
I'll be here for the next 45 minutes.
I'll be here forever.
[man] Taxi!
Just waiting for my boss.
Rick Otis. He'd been on Shark Tank.
Forbes 40 Under 40.
- Doorway area is for members only.
- Yeah.
Just gotta call my girlfriend.
Her name's Suze. She's very pretty.
Suze. Rick's working late
at the District Club. Can I just meet...?
I'm out.
- How'd it go? You, uh, gonna invest?
- Ha.
I'll invest in that company
when they figure out
how to dip their dicks in ink and write
the Japanese symbol for "horse shit."
Do the thing.
Think of seared cod.
Melt-in-your-mouth uni. Buttered carrots,
mashed potatoes, crispy onion rings.
- Okay.
- I will see you tomorrow.
No. You're coming
with me back to the office.
- Should I order dinner?
- Of course not. I just had my juice.
- Sometimes you end up wanting dinner.
- Shut my damn door.
[Harper] Here you go, Kirsten.
tomorrow, we're gonna post
the Alex Morgan profile in the morning
and the Belichick interview
in the afternoon.
Hold the Belichick interview.
Josh is writing like he's at The Post.
The Line Up is about the story
behind the score.
I need fresh eyes for a rewrite.
- Did you return my blue jacket?
- Yes.
After a 2-hour commute to their warehouse
and an intense talk with a saleswoman
that ended with us in tears,
I got a full refund.
- I want it back. What else?
- Absolutely.
You owe RSVPs to Polly's wedding,
Annie's baby shower,
Bridget's baby shower, Alice's son's
birthday. You RSVP'd Jane's wedding,
but they need your okay to share a room
with Helen since you're both coming alone.
Do they need me to confirm
that I'm gonna spend
a thousand dollars a night
to share bunk beds like kids
at sleep-away camp?
This site is less than a year old.
I can't be expected to attend every friend
of a friend's kid's 3rd birthday.
Decline every invitation
and send a $200 gift.
$200 gift.
There should be three times
as many story ideas by now.
I might have a story idea.
It's not fleshed out.
I haven't cracked it, so...
Oh, good. So, you're telling me
it's bad before I've even heard it.
It's this thing... called the Gerilympics.
It's an Olympics for senior citizens.
They have races, ping-pong,
Nerf basketball, and weightlifting.
Yes, people think it's silly.
People think it's silly, but...
But it gives them something to live for.
And a lot of them
were athletes who never even got
a chance to, like...
To live their dreams.
It's just sometimes I get emotional
over sports, just how they can provide...
[cell phone buzzing]
Your dinner.
Which I'm gonna go get right now.
What's my tomorrow like?
Um... I moved your lunch to Ai Fiori's.
Kiki wants to go over divorce papers.
Okay, you can tell Kiki
she can light herself on fire.
- And if she calls or...?
- You tell her she don't divorce me.
I divorce her.
Call my lawyer and tell him
to counter-serve her for serving me.
- I don't know if legally...
- What is this? I hate it.
This is your son's science project.
It's a fun play on
"when life gives you lemons..."
I'm using lemon battery to power...
Where's my dinner?
Did you want dinner?
Because you s...
No problem.
Coming right up.
I order from you guys
like three times a week.
You know that I'm good for it.
I have three credit cards.
- Can I write a check?
- Cash only.
What if I pay you triple... tomorrow?
Cash only.
What if I told you this face was a mask
and I'm a 100-year-old gypsy
who will curse your family
for generations?
Cash only.
What grocery store doesn't serve
saffron-infused Kobe beef
cooked medium-rare?
[Harper] I can't go up there and ask for
cash, so my options are for you to help me
or for me to commit a felony.
Hi. Whose food is this?
- It's mine.
- You got 31.32, it's yours.
I have cash. I have so much cash.
No. Hey, hey. That's my boss's dinner.
If I'm not upstairs in two minutes
with that food, I will get fired.
- Can I borrow some money?
- No.
This is my boss's dinner.
If I'm not up in two minutes,
- I'm gonna be fired.
- No, you won't. Look at you.
You'll just swoop in with your lacrosse
stick and your fraternity connections.
You'll keep getting promoted
for no reason. I need that food.
Thirty-two dollars. Keep the change.
Thank you.
Is this happening?
I will not forget this.
- Whatever.
- Wait. Sir?
Sir. There are two dinners. One for me
and one for her, so we could split it.
I can take one to my boss and you can take
one to yours. Please. This is DEFCON 5.
DEFCON 5's the good one. Everything's
safe, international travel's fine.
DEFCON 1! You know what I mean.
What are the meals?
Okay. I'm gonna take her
the truffle mac and cheese.
You can have the burger.
Are you insane? I won't give him
a plain hamburger. He has taste.
Okay. I'm gonna fix this, okay?
See what I'm making?
It's a truffle cheeseburger with kale.
This burger could win awards.
Pickle is my dinner.
- No, no, no.
- What?
I won't give him a truffle cheeseburger
without a pickle.
I wanna be paid back tomorrow,
8 percent interest, liquidity preference.
Do I look like I can afford interest?
I steal my toilet paper
from the office bathroom.
You should learn to keep cash on you.
You should remember to order dinner
before everything closes.
You know that pickle?
That aforementioned pickle?
That wasn't for my boss.
That was for me.
You're a monster.
- Oh, hi.
- I'll need you in here before me tomorrow.
Okay, what time would that be?
Do you want your food? Okay.
[intercom buzzing]
- [Suze] Hello?
- I'm here, I'm here.
You took too long. I'm in bed.
Okay. Perfect. I'll get in with you.
I'm already asleep, baby.
I can wake you up. With my penis.
Not with my penis. You'll be fully awake
when it touches... You know what I mean.
I have an early shoot tomorrow
and if I don't get eight hours,
my face could be puffy.
- Can I call you in the morning?
- Yeah. Sweet dreams... princess.
[man] You can wake me up.
With your penis.
[announcer on TV] ...should be
the final play unless there's a penalty.
Kellogg's throw...
It's gonna be tapped and caught!
It's caught!
It's caught!
- [door opens]
- [laughing]
You're up! Oh, my gosh, hi.
How was your date?
It was good. He's in my room now
drinking Gatorade
to recover from our vigorous love-making.
- Nice.
- Really?
No. I worked late. Didn't make it in time.
Dude, loved Kirsten's article
about Cleveland fans.
- I sent it to ten people.
- He did.
Wasn't it awesome? How was the party?
Gilbert was there.
You haven't seen him since...
[Becca laughing]
Since she had sex with him
in the bathroom on the Acela?
- You told him about that?
- I could read it from your hand code.
I tell him everything, Harp.
If we had to avoid every guy
she's had sex with
on public transportation,
we'd never leave the apartment.
- [chuckles] Shut up.
- Do you want a glass of cold water?
- Yes. I would love that.
- Okay.
- I love you.
- I love you so much.
- Love you, Mike.
- I love you, Harper.
He's such a dork. Oh, God. I love him.
- I love you. I'm gonna go to bed.
- Sweet dreams.
Good night.
[Becca screams]
- Janet?
- [Becca] What?
No way!
- No way!
- [Mike chuckles]
I said no. I...
I'm kidding! I said yes! [shouts]
Oh, my God. We're not old enough
to get married, though.
What? What?
I love you.
Congratulations. Congratulations
and I'm so happy for you.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- I love you, Mike! My favorite people.
- I love you, Harper!
- I was talking to my mom...
- I'm gonna let you do that.
I just wanna spend my life with you.
- Are you kidding me?
- Oh, my God.
[Mike] I'm so excited.
- [Duncan] Hey, buddy.
- [yelps]
What...? How long have you been there?
You're sitting alone in the dark?
Do you have a guy over?
Why do you always assume
I have a guy over?
Not all gay guys are having sex
all the time.
- Don't you have to teach soon?
- Can't sleep.
I'm setting up this art show for a kid
living at a homeless shelter with his mom.
I think he's good enough to get into
one of those magnet schools.
Today I got a waiter fired for dripping
condensation on Rick's pant leg, so...
I also feel good.
When you get promoted, you can be one of
those rich guys that donates supplies.
So you don't feel so bad.
We love that guy.
We make him a card every year.
- I'll call you later.
- You better.
[door opens then closes]
Technically, this time,
I did have a guy over.
[Dan] Martin's leaving.
He's gonna be a VP at Sequoia Capital.
Serious? He's jumping associate
and right to VP?
It's Rick. He knows everybody there.
If you got his stamp of approval,
- it's the golden ticket.
- Martin's barely 30.
We weren't talking to you, dipshit.
Go get Rick a smoothie.
[both laughing]
I don't get Rick smoothies.
He's on a juice cleanse.
Paying student athletes
is such a hot-button issue.
You couldn't back off? You're implying
we're getting rich off poor kids.
We're not. We're proving it. Your AD
bought a $2-million boat last year.
Your star player is on food stamps.
Kirsten, we are all
a big happy family here.
We've always liked you.
We like what you're doing here,
but don't make a name for yourself
by burning bridges. [chuckles]
I sent you that article as a courtesy.
I'm not changing a word.
I will send you the link when it is live.
- That was incredible. You just feel like...
- Ah-ah.
Where's my lunch?
- I'm gonna get it.
- Tell me something I don't know!
Here are those ETFs.
[cell phone beeps]
- Intern?
- My name's Bo.
- I don't give a shit.
- It has fewer syllables.
Cover Rick's phone. I'm gonna get lunch.
All right?
Don't pee, don't zone out, don't sneeze.
Just cover his phones, try not to exist.
Do not ever, ever connect to his ex-wife.
- Do I tell him if she calls?
- Yeah.
And slather my dick in ink and use it
to write the hieroglyphic for "no."
- I don't know hieroglyphics.
- Sorry. That was over the line.
But no, don't tell him. Go.
Do not put on any more clothes.
I'm coming over.
[Rick shouts, then crashing]
Oh, shit.
[Rick] Someone's ass is fired!
- What happened?
- He's upset about this.
- [Rick] Goddamn you, Kiki!
- This is his ex-wife.
Kiki Otis is...? Oh, that makes sense.
"Spiritual commitment ceremony"?
You showed him this?
You didn't say anything about his mail.
- You have no idea what...
- It's non-legal.
What is this?! Bulletproof glass?!
Where's pencil-dick?
- I feel like I'm pencil-dick.
- You're fired.
Charlie, take his work. I don't
wanna see pencil-dick's face again.
Pencils can be all lengths and girths,
so, the joke's on him.
Obviously, you're talented.
You don't have to keep convincing us.
Start by taking out the adjectives.
- Thank you so much.
- Anything for a Dartmouth grad.
It's late. Get out of here.
You are so lucky to work for her.
- I know.
- I reached out to her
through the alumni magazine
and she responded right away.
Now she's gonna be my mentor.
She's amazing.
Harper, I'm gonna take a nap.
So, just wake me up at midnight.
Oh, but don't startle me. Play a lullaby
then slowly increase the volume.
- Hello.
- Holy shit.
Here's your stupid interest. There you go.
What are you still doing here?
Are you like a janitor?
Do I look like a janitor?
I work for Kirsten Stevens.
- Who?
- The sports reporter from ESPN.
She got Roger Goodell to admit he'd
seen the video? Don't know her?
She broke the Penguins
concussion protocol story
- that literally changed the NHL.
- But what are you doing here?
I can't leave until she leaves.
And she never leaves,
so, I'm always the last one here.
- I'm the last one here.
- No, you're not.
- Even when Rick's not here, I'm here.
- Kirsten keeps a cot in her office.
Rick keeps a Tempur-Pedic cot
in his office. The Tesla of cots.
Kirsten's like if Miss Piggy and Voldemort
had a baby
and that baby had low blood sugar
and hadn't had sex in a year.
Don't talk about babies having sex.
What's wrong with you?
Do you want some?
Rick throws away any liquor
that costs less than $200.
We're at work.
It's almost midnight. Grow up.
It's been so long,
I have the tolerance of a fetus.
[man] It was a tough loss, but we're
putting it behind us. Looking forward.
The third glass is still bad.
If you could watch the ball
as well as you're watching my tits,
you could have made the playoffs.
I wanna have an article
on her site someday.
My God. Will you look at this?
Suze gets invited to cool shit.
I miss all of it.
I miss everything. It's been so long
since I've been to a party.
Or made out with a guy. I don't even
remember how. Like my tongue atrophied.
When my mom was my age, she had me.
I've never had a boyfriend.
But you're a grown-up.
Take that back.
- Not even like a camp boyfriend?
- I'm gonna end up like Kirsten.
[Harper chuckles]
Like buying thousand-dollar throw blankets
and... sleeping with my computer.
That's why she's so mean. She's sleeping
with a laptop. She needs to get laid.
- She needs to be made love to.
- Well, Rick needs to get laid.
The two of them are always in this office.
Let's lock them together
so they can have sex with each other.
[both laughing]
Think about it.
We Cyrano them out of the office.
And then when they're boning, we're free.
Well, I don't need to be free,
I need to be promoted.
All I care about is that I'm not
still an assistant when I'm 28 years old.
That's when it gets really sad.
- I'm 28.
- I'm so sorry. [chuckles]
- For you. That's sad for you.
- You should leave.
- I made something.
- What...?
You're so quiet.
You move like a Prius.
- What is that?
- It's a spreadsheet
of everything I know about Kirsten.
- What she likes, doesn't like.
- I have no idea what this is for.
To set them up.
For our Cyrano.
- That was a joke.
- But it doesn't have to be.
- What's Rick's favorite food?
- The filet from Ai Fiori's.
- Where will he be at 3?
- His son's school play.
- Hey, what does he hate?
- "Geoff" spelled with G and sour cream.
We know everything about them.
What they like.
We control their entire schedule.
We are the men behind the curtain.
We can get them to do anything.
- This is very thorough.
- Thank you.
- Absolutely not.
- What?
- I thought...
- This is insane.
I barely have time to do my job.
- If Rick found out, he'd fire me.
- He'd never find out.
- This could save us.
- I gotta take my girlfriend to lunch.
- Should I send this to you?
- Please don't.
["Yankee Doodle" playing on speakers]
Oh, Suze.
Mm. Mm.
- I thought we were getting lunch.
- Excuse me. Are those seats taken?
Yeah, sorry. They're taken.
Yeah, I know we were.
Rick needed me to save the seats.
His son's the second lead.
I thought we could do a theater picnic.
Hey, you look amazing.
How'd the, uh, thing go this morning?
Good. I booked that Old Navy campaign.
That is incredible.
Look, I'm gonna be traveling so much
and you're already so busy.
No. I'm not busy.
I don't wanna be with a guy
saving somebody else's seats.
I want the guy whose seats
are being saved, you know?
- I think we should...
- No! [clearing throat]
I know this is annoying...
Ma'am, I would lay my life down for these.
If you can't say the same, move on.
We can make this work.
I'm about to get promoted.
My schedule will be easier.
Then our seats are gonna be saved.
I promise.
- Hey.
- Excuse me.
- [boy] Hey, Dad.
- Hey.
I like the beard.
- You got these seats?
- Yeah.
You're gonna have to get me a masseuse.
We're three centimeters from the stage.
What is wrong with you?
I'll mess up my neck.
Lot of hot moms here.
I'm in.
When they're boning, we're free, right?
Where could they meet?
- Rick's usually at the District Club.
- Okay.
- Could she run into him there?
- Sure. She can run into him.
After she's nominated by two members,
one former member, approved by the board.
Also has a sex change.
Technically, women are allowed.
- I get it.
- Rick cares about winning.
We just gotta make your boss
seem like a business deal
or a softball game.
All Kirsten cares about
is her site, her brand.
- It's like her baby.
- She shouldn't have a real baby.
How dare you.
But I do think that's a huge part of it.
We need a meet cute.
Like, every great romance has a meet cute.
Like, getting stuck in an elevator
or something, but...
- Let's get them stuck in an elevator.
- How would we do that?
You don't know Creepy Tim?
A succulent.
Can you grow plants down here?
Oh, no. They just slowly die.
So, buddy, we wanted
to shut down the elevator
so two people could fall in love.
the only thing I love more than love
is love in enclosed spaces.
And succulents.
And you already gave me
one of those, so, my answer is yes.
Falcon One's headed to the Nest.
We are a go for Pandora's Box.
You're not in the Secret Service.
Say "elevator."
- We're a go for Pandora's Box.
- Copy that.
[Harper] There she is.
Okay, can you stop at her floor?
Say something.
Does no one look each other
in the eyes anymore?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who's this guy?
- You need to go, sir.
- Make your way out.
- Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
- [both] Call it off.
- It's go time.
- What the hell?
- What did you think?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, no.
Can you start it back up?
[computer beeps then elevator starts]
Thank you, God. I'm extremely
claustrophobic. That would've been bad.
But you work on a truck.
Let it go, Rick.
Your job is to ride elevators.
How are you claustrophobic?
I usually take the stairs.
But today was a big day.
Okay, let's not make it any worse.
[alarm buzzes]
- Why did you do that?
- That wasn't me.
This might be
an actual system malfunction.
Oh, my God.
This has never happened before.
Oh, irony, you fickle queen.
Yup. This is how it always starts
in my nightmare.
Here we go. All right.
We just all need to calm down.
[Joe sighs]
- Uh, what are you doing?
- What is he doing?
Is it getting hot in here?
Stop doing that, please. Stop now.
- I need to be free of this.
- Stop that.
The pants are off.
I'm calling the firefighters.
Don't. I'm calling the real police.
Okay, this button is designed
for this emergency.
You want the emergency response team,
not the jackoffs
assigned to the Elevator Squad.
No. Maybe we can make a rope.
You're not gonna get service.
It's already ringing.
- Excuse me.
- If we press it at the same time,
- it'll confuse the system.
- [Kirsten] It was ringing.
I gotta pee. I'm gonna pee.
If you pee, I will end your life.
Stress incontinence. That is a real
condition and you are not helping.
I'm gonna listen to my body.
[both] Don't pee.
- Do not pee in there. Do not pee in the...
- It's too late. I'm dripping.
[Joe groaning]
[elevator starts]
I'm not great at reading rooms,
but I can tell that was a success.
It was okay.
- Are you kidding?
- Hmm?
That was a disaster.
They hate each other.
Hate, we can work with.
Hate is not the opposite of love.
Know what the opposite of love is?
- Ice.
- Indifference.
Well, that's also very true, Creepy Tim.
- Uh...
- People call me Creepy Tim?
I love it.
Your dry cleaning's in the car,
and I forwarded you Jeff's itinerary
for the Simone Biles profile.
And, also, apparently some guy
you were stuck in the elevator with
asked security for your contact info.
- Was it the delivery man?
- No.
Um, some big shot in the building.
I guess he has a crush on you.
But don't worry, I told them we do not
give out your number, okay?
I heard you got stuck in an elevator
with that sports reporter. Kirsten...?
Kirsten Stevens.
I knew I recognized her from somewhere.
Kirsten Stevens.
I think Mark Cuban is thinking
about investing in her site.
I did it. What now?
Does Rick have good Yankees tickets?
No, he watches from the bleachers
like a peasant. He does.
[Harper] Charlie?
Hi, I'm so sorry.
So sorry. I got here so early
that I thought I had time to dick around,
so I went there, lost track of time
- and was late.
- That's the dumbest thing I've heard.
- That is not a real thing.
- It is.
It's the over-dick-around thing.
I over-dicked it.
- Why are you wearing that?
- I'm going to a baseball game.
Why are you wearing that?
I'm not on the team.
Why would I wear the jersey?
- I don't wear scrubs to the doctor's.
- I'll get nachos.
I've made a mistake.
[Harper] What are you doing? Come on!
- [Harper] Bobby?
- [Bobby] Harper?
[Harper] Hey, I need a favor. We need...
the people...
in these two seats right here to make out.
- What do they look like?
- One is a beautiful woman with dark hair
and a fierceness
that's both scary and inspiring.
The other is a guy.
- You know I can make this happen.
- Good.
[announcer] Number 40, Luis Severino.
Yankees' 24-year-old Dominican pitcher
is on the mound to start.
So, Rick's here. If you see the...
- You see the U? He's right above.
- Do you have a telescope so I can see him?
- Are seats this far back legal?
- These are the best.
There's a community here.
And you can see the whole field.
And there's Dennis.
Hi, sweetheart. How you doing?
Dennis introduced me to the Gerilympics.
He's a heavy weightlifting champ.
- What does he bench, negative 10?
- I heard that, you little pissant.
I'm old, not deaf.
- Is that your boyfriend?
- Absolutely not, Dennis.
[announcer] Now batting, Red Sox
number 16, Andrew Benintendi.
[Harper] Let's frigging get that!
I'm gonna take a picture of you
and post it on Tinder.
You know, guys love girls
who like sports.
- Are you kidding me?
- They do.
They think they like girls liking sports.
They like a girl in a tight sports jersey
serving wings
and getting terms wrong.
Guys like girls
who like guys who like sports.
- Got it? Oh!
- Kirsten's here!
[announcer] Number 31, Aaron Hicks
steps into the batter's box.
- Hey.
- Oh, hi.
- This is a weird coincidence.
- Here we go.
- I hope you took the stairs.
- How else would I get here?
No, I mean, because nobody...
Nobody peed.
- You know?
- Ah. Yes.
[organ music playing]
- You here by yourself?
- Uh, I'm supposed to meet a colleague.
Yeah, me, too. An investor.
I guess he's stuck in traffic.
- [announcer] Swings and misses.
- [Kirsten] Come on!
- You know his slider drops like that!
- Be elite! Come on!
[man] Ice-cold beer!
Get your ice-cold beer here!
You're welcome to take this seat
until my colleague gets here.
It's the best seat in the stadium.
Actually, it's just
the most expensive seat.
From where I'm sitting,
you hear both coaches better.
But you're welcome to sit here
until my colleague arrives.
[bat cracks, then crowd cheering]
[announcer] Single down the right field
line, the Yankees score a run.
Thank you.
Wait. Oh, yeah!
That is what I'm talking about!
[announcer] All right, Yankees fans,
pucker up.
- It's happening.
- Come on.
["Power of Love" playing on speakers]
All right. It's Kirsten and Rick!
I told you he'd find them.
All right. Come on.
Come on.
- [announcer] No need to be shy.
- We're not together. We're just...
- They're not gonna kiss.
- What?
- [announcer] We're waiting.
- Come on.
Share the love.
[crowd booing]
They were nervous.
If they gave them more time...
I know, I know.
- [announcer] How about you guys?
- [Charlie] Give them more time!
- [announcer] That's the spirit.
- Boo!
What's your problem?
- Who are you?
- For a different reason.
Who's next? There we go. There we go.
Stronger and harder
Than a bad girl's dream
[announcer] And back to our first couple.
Care to reconsider? Last chance.
No, okay. Oh, kiss, kiss. It's the law!
[Harper and Charlie] Kiss, kiss, kiss.
- Kiss, kiss, kiss.
- [crowd booing]
- Oh, my God. Why?
- I don't know.
Should we send them popcorn or something?
And a kiss for Mom. Sweet.
- Come on. Come on.
- Come on.
- [all chanting] Kiss, kiss, kiss.
- We did it already.
Kiss, kiss, kiss.
- Kiss, kiss, kiss.
- All right.
Kiss, kiss, kiss.
[both cheering]
- Yeah!
- Yes!
We have no e-mails.
Well, it's hard to bark orders
when your tongue is down someone's throat.
- That's true.
- We're free. The world's our oyster.
- We're free. Have fun with Suze.
- You, too.
- Are you taking the...?
- You taking the 4?
Kind of wasted that high-five.
Any sports moments make you cry?
[Lefti's "City Heart"
playing over speakers]
Oh, my goodness. Who are you?
I'm sorry, Kirsten, the 3 train stalled,
then there was a new barista,
and she didn't know the milk your coffee...
She didn't...
[cell phone buzzing]
- Rick's not here.
- [Harper] Neither is Kirsten.
What if a psychopath saw them
on the Kiss Cam
and followed them home and murdered them?
Legally, where are we in that scenario?
Please, I have watched enough Law & Order
to know that we are absolutely,
- 100 percent, no doubt about it...
- Morning.
I could use some coffee.
You mind getting me a flat white?
Would I mind?
It'd be my honor.
Harper, my office.
- I spent the night with a man.
- A man. You spent the night with... Hmm?
Oh, wow, that's amazing. You get it, girl.
We did not sleep together.
We did everything but.
I'm not the kind of person who sleeps
with people on the first date anymore.
- Right.
- I guess it had been a while.
Longer than I realized.
I don't think they should hear that.
The waiting was almost tantric.
Even when he was being gentle,
I could sense a possibility of strength
in his touch.
Kind of like when Koko was petting
that tiny kitten.
Just like petting it,
petting it, petting it.
Let's bullhorn.
- Okay, tell me something I don't know.
- Yeah, I did not know that.
- Charlie, Kirsten just left.
- So did Rick.
It's daylight.
I know. Okay. I'm getting out of here
before Kirsten comes back,
and this was all
some terrible prank.
I have a date with some guy
that I messaged last night,
- and we're gonna go mini-golfing.
- That's a terrible idea.
Why is that a terrible idea?
You have Dave Matthews'
concentration face.
- No, I don't.
- Mm, I saw you write cursive one time.
Go, have fun. Let him win a few holes.
Excuse me. I only have one hole.
- Oh, my God. I meant at golf.
- So did I.
Hey, you're home before me.
Did you quit?
No, I got off early.
Making Suze some dinner.
So, uh, Suze is coming over. That's nice.
Why did you say it like that?
Why'd your voice go up?
'Cause, you know, she, uh... She sucks.
- What?
- If you take away her face and her boobs,
you realize she's not saying anything.
That's the most heterophobic thing
I've ever heard. You just don't know her.
- How well do you know her?
- I know everything about Suze, all right?
- We talk all the time. I text her all day.
- Like?
She's from Puerto Rico. She's a model.
She uses La Mer products.
She doesn't like dairy. There you go.
All right. Well, what do you do
if you wanna have an intimate,
meaningful conversation with somebody?
- I talk to you.
- That's not what I'm for.
That's what your girlfriend's for.
To be your best friend.
You're my best friend.
I've never pooped at her apartment.
Whose fault is that? Should've did that
the first date. Mark your territory.
[Harper] I barely...
I don't have health insurance,
but Gronk got wasted at a Christmas party.
- [man] You seriously have the dream job.
- Well, Kirsten has the dream job.
- I love Kirsten Stevens. So cool.
- Yeah.
- Wait, what's she like?
- She's...
- Well, she's great. She's great, really.
- Yeah?
She's so smart and hard-working.
Kind of inspiring.
- Inspiring? Okay.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Here we go.
- Let's do this.
- That didn't go.
- You letting me win to boost my ego?
I wanna destroy you. I'm trying
not to make my concentration face.
Oh, no. Why don't I just stand behind you,
and you can make whatever face you want.
- Okay. Okay.
- Okay. Cool. Yeah.
Oh, my goodness. [chuckles]
- Well...
- I hope that was your golf club,
because it felt extremely small.
- [laughing]
- That's not the right thing to say.
[computer beeps]
- Harper?
- Mm-hm?
My phone is broken.
Voice messages aren't coming through.
Oh, really?
- Mm-mm. It works fine.
- There is something wrong with it!
- You know what's crazy?
- I don't care.
- Just how different dating is nowadays.
- Why are you still talking?
You know, you used to have to wait
three days to call,
but now women think the longer you take...
the smaller your penis.
Get out.
- This is an elevator.
- Get out.
[phone rings]
I've got it.
Hey, there.
Please hold for Rick.
[Kirsten laughing]
[Rick] And now I'm seeing
this badass bitch. She's a journalist.
[Kyle] Good. Dating is so much better now.
Everybody's sexting and waxing.
[Rick] You know, and Kiki,
she never shaved, just to punish me.
I mean, if I see any hair on a woman,
I'm out. See you.
- So?
- Kirsten needs to get a bikini wax.
Oh, [chuckles] okay.
Hello to you, too. Excuse me?
Just tell her to get one.
You're girls. You talk about that.
Oh, right.
I forgot that every morning I walk in,
I hand her her latte,
and then we talk about merkins
and the cyclical popularity
of the full bush.
- What's a merkin?
- It's a pubic hair wig.
A wig for the pube region.
You know, I miss the time
when I didn't know what that was.
There we go.
Oh, uh, okay. Tomorrow morning,
you have that salon appointment.
- What? What salon appointment?
- I mean, the one for the bikini wax.
- Bikini wax, when did I make that?
- You made that ages ago.
Just like an annual checkup,
general upkeep.
- What salon?
- The one you told me to make it at.
- Exhale?
- Bliss...
She gonna clear out the brush,
the bush brush.
Clear out the bush and brush
and just make it as smooth as a baby.
To have a baby.
You don't need one of those.
The babies or the bush or the brush.
I have so many calls.
But if we hadn't have intervened,
Rick would have called her too late,
and Kirsten's lack of waxing
would have turned him off,
and there would have never been
a second date.
- Okay.
- We can't just kick them out of the nest,
because they're baby birds,
and they are careening to their death.
- We have to actually Cyrano them. Yeah.
- Absolutely. Totally.
I mean, that's what
we've been doing up to now.
- That's what we should continue to do.
- You know what Cyrano means, right?
Yeah, I'm not an idiot.
So, what is it?
It's when... So, if like two assistants
were setting up their boss...
- I don't know what Cyrano is. I know.
- You don't know it. I've said it 14 times.
- [laughing]
- I thought I knew when you said it,
- and then it was too late to ask.
- Okay. It's when a nerdy guy
helps a handsome guy
date the girl that he loves
by telling him what to say, what to do.
That is not what we're doing.
We're full-on Parent Trapping.
- No, we're not.
- I've seen the Lindsay Lohan classic
enough times to know
that we're Parent Trapping hard.
No, Charlie, the point is,
we can't just set them up,
we have to help them keep dating.
[Dusty Springfield's
"I Only Want to Be with You" playing]
I don't know what it is
That makes me love you so
I only know I never want to let you go
'Cause you started something
Can't you see
That ever since we met
You've had a hold on me?
It happens to be true
I only want to be with you
Yes, that one. He's an ass man.
Spend each moment of the day with you
Mr. Otis said you can wait in the lobby.
I never knew that I could be in love
Like this
It's crazy but it's true
Don't walk like that.
I only wanna be with you
There are two kinds of compliments
to give a woman.
The things she thinks about herself
but needs confirmed,
and the thing she doesn't think
anybody notices about her.
The second kind matters more.
It's crazy but it's true
Charlie. I'm gonna be in late tomorrow.
You stopped and smiled at me
Asked me if I'd care...
I'm taking the rest of the day.
I fell into your open arms
I didn't stand a chance
Now, listen, honey
I just want to be beside you everywhere
As long as we're together, honey
I don't care
'Cause you started something
Can't you see
That ever since we met
You've had a hold on me?
No matter what you do
I only want to be with you
I said, no matter
No matter what you do
No matter, no matter what you do
I only want to be with you
I took a nap today. A nap.
- Are you ready to order yet?
- Not yet.
- But I'd love some more chips.
- Sure.
Naps are great. But I got
a bigger situation on my hands, Charlie.
Becca's engagement party is next weekend.
I need to guarantee that I can be there.
It's really important for me, okay?
Here's my plan.
Get Rick to invite Kirsten on a romantic
weekend getaway trip to Nantucket.
There's a wine festival next weekend,
and you're gonna plant all the information
and make Rick think that he thought of it,
but he didn't, we did.
- Okay?
- Okay.
And they're gonna be marooned on an island
with limited cell service,
which means you and I will have
an entire weekend to ourselves.
Perfect. Suze's modeling agency is
throwing this fancy party next Saturday.
I'll show up, throw out pheromones.
- Let everyone know she's got a boyfriend.
- Don't say the word pheromones around me.
I'm sorry. I meant, uh, chemicals secreted
in my sweat to attract females
- to my throbbing DNA.
- No, no.
[cell phone buzzes]
Is that...? What...? Can you just...?
You should probably be easier
on the "ha ha has."
I mean, you find him humorous.
You're not a psychotic clown.
Psychotic clown,
what are you talking about?
If you like Golf Guy, you'll go out
with three other guys this week.
- [chuckles] Okay, why?
- Remember when you were a kid?
If you had three salamanders,
you played with each of them every day,
and they'd live for years.
But when you had one salamander,
and you held it and you loved it,
and you played with it,
and it just died immediately.
Well, men are kind of like that.
You put too much focus on him,
he can sense it,
then you're gonna accidentally kill him.
Then you gotta hide him in your drawer
- so your mom doesn't find out.
- I like my one salamander.
Okay, let's get out of here.
- Wait. We haven't even ordered yet.
- Hello? No. I better get out of here.
- It's an emergency.
- What?
- Well, I was just about to order and pay
- [gasps] It's an emergency.
for my dinner
at this very nice restaurant,
but I guess I'll just rush
straight to the hospital.
- Thank you.
- An emergency.
Oh, my God, the whole leg?
[Charlie] These things always happen
when you least expect it.
[waiter] I mean, I saw your phone
not ring.
It's not legally a crime,
but we both know this isn't right.
[Rick yells]
Why do I only have a 2D printer?
What am I, a caveman?
There's too much paper here!
This is the digital age!
[cell phone buzzes]
I'll have you know,
my tongue is no longer atrophied.
- Code red, code black, code... Shit.
- Code red, I can't tell what that means,
- but code shit, I feel like that's bad.
- [Kirsten] Change of plans.
I won't go out of town.
Make sure they know the office
has to be open all weekend.
Um, of course.
- Is everything okay?
- Obviously. Why would you ask me that?
Well, no reason.
I am a successful woman.
I don't need to travel
with a pathetic man-child
who can't even feed himself.
Of course not.
Here's a riddle. Would you tell me
you love Korean barbecue
if you've never had it
and didn't know what it was?
And if we went there, would you refuse
to let me explain how it works,
eat raw meat,
rather than admit you're wrong,
and blame me
when you threw it up on a hot grill?
Kirsten, do you want your...? No, okay.
A lot of men proposed to me in my 20s.
I could be thrice divorced by now.
But I'm not gonna pretend to let him
teach me about how the world works
just so he can get it up!
He's such a jerk.
I'm worried that your abrasiveness
and general demeanor
will hinder you in the workplace.
You put a plate full of raw beef
in front of me,
I think it's tartare,
and I'm the idiot? [scoffs]
I'm sorry if I expect my food
to be properly cooked
whilst I sit in a restaurant.
What am I, a chef? Uh-uh.
- Do I got a Michelin star?
- You could if you wanted to.
She did this shit on purpose
to make me look stupid.
This was a power play.
I don't think she tried to power play.
Can't get the image of barbecued vomit
out of my head now.
This shitty computer
isn't taking my password.
- That's my...
- Take my password!
That's my laptop.
Bring me my laptop.
How could you let them
pick the restaurant?
- It was your turn to choose.
- No, you chose last time.
Damn it.
Rick is worse than before.
- He tried to fire a mailman today.
- My God.
- Mailmen work for the U.S. government.
- Get them together before they kill us.
I can feel it in my bones
that Kirsten is capable of murder.
- [exhales] So, what are we gonna do?
- I don't know.
It's your turn to figure something out.
Why isn't there anything
in my calendar at 2 p.m.?
You know I need a hard out
after family events.
Oh, my. I'm so sorry. I didn't know
that your lunch was with family.
- I'll figure it out right now.
- If I pay you to make my life easier,
but instead, you make it harder,
you're useless to me.
Do you understand?
So, bad news is,
Kirsten ripped me a new one.
Good news is I now have time
to see Golf Guy.
- Mm.
- What is this? Charlie?
- Oh, my God.
- This is Rick's son's science project.
Life gave me lemons,
and I used it to battery-power lemonade.
Can you... fix it?
No. It was a masterpiece,
and now he's not even getting a ribbon.
Go, get out of here. Save yourself.
- Good luck.
- Thank you.
We need a new project.
Whole new thing.
- Yeah.
- What about Golf Guy?
I don't wanna squeeze
my salamander too hard.
I honestly did not know that someone could
do this to lemons with their bare hands.
[Charlie laughing] Rick was so pissed.
Imagine if a duck were on meth,
it was like, "Hey, Charlie. Charlie."
- Sounded like that duck.
- Why do you work for this guy?
- Why don't you just... quit?
- Are you insane?
I've spent three years
doing every shit errand imaginable.
Can't quit.
I'd have to start all over,
and all of this would've been a waste.
Plus, Rick is the most respected VC
of all time, so if he makes me an analyst,
- I can get a job anywhere.
- But do you like the actual work?
Nobody likes the actual work.
That's the job.
Do the best one
where you make the most money.
Okay, why do you work for Kirsten?
I work for Kirsten because I wanna write
the articles that made me cry
when I was a little girl, and Kirsten's
the best sports journalist there is.
Well, has she read any of your stuff?
I haven't written anything
or finished writing anything.
My days are so long
and so exhausting
it's like when I have time,
everything I write is... bad.
- That is probably not true.
- It is true.
I think I wanted to impress her
and I wanted her to like me,
so, it's just like, I worked so hard
at being this great assistant
and making sure she was happy that...
I don't know, feels like I might have lost
any writing skill I ever had.
Well, that is definitely not true.
You're a terrible assistant.
Can you pass me a few of those?
- You ready?
- I'm ready.
- What?
- Yeah.
Holy shit. How does that work?
Well, the bonds in the milk connect
with the DNA in the...
I have no idea. I'm not a scientist.
All the supplies are in the bag.
Feels like a winner.
This isn't as good as the lemons.
[Charlie over phone] He wasn't happy,
but he didn't break anything,
- so, maybe that's an improvement.
- [Harper] Well, technically, he's right,
but given the fact
that we did that in the night,
- Magic Milk should win a Nobel Prize.
- [Rick] Charlie!
- Oh, my God. I think Rick's drunk.
- What?
I've never seen him drunk before.
He's violent when he's sober.
- Charlie...?
- [line disconnects]
- Yeah.
- Do it with me, white boy.
Yeah. Get over here, you dig it?
Come on, man.
Come on.
[singing] Charlie chicken and grits
You don't know that shit.
You're a good guy.
Do you know that?
- For real.
- What?
I appreciate you.
And I should tell you that more often.
Good idea. Let's have another drink.
- Okay.
- Oh, no. No, no, no. I got it.
I hate losing, Charlie.
And she thinks I'm a loser.
What should I do?
You're a person.
What would you do?
- Apologize.
- No. Next.
Tell her she's good at her job.
Tell her you respect what she does.
Just tell her you see her.
- What does that even mean?
- I don't know.
I think maybe it's just...
Maybe it's just what I'd wanna hear.
[computer beeps]
[door closes nearby]
- What are you doing here?
- [clears throat]
I see you.
What? What does that even mean?
I see you.
"I see you," like...
I see you.
- Oh. Lock the door.
- Mm-hm.
Yes, ma'am.
I meant that as a joke.
You're the boss.
[Rick laughs]
Let's go to your apartment. I'm serious.
[both laughing]
[knock on door]
- [Harper] Charlie?
- I want rose petals everywhere.
I need it to look like a massacre
at a flower shop.
Nantucket is a go. They land in an hour,
I put the champagne
- on Rick's credit card. Here you go.
- Hotel room is all set.
- It's about to be Boner City in there.
- Wow, okay.
Someone say Boner City?
Frigging love that place.
Harper, this is Duncan. My roommate.
He's a teacher
at a middle school in the Bronx.
But he's gay, so,
keep your ovaries in your pants.
- I'll just shove them back in there.
- [Charlie] What are you...?
- Why are you dressed like that?
- For Becca's engagement party tonight.
What are you wearing?
Where are the rest of your shorts?
These are cool, all right?
Suze likes short shorts on guys.
- Stop.
- [laughing] Your shorts suck.
You know what, stop it.
You're not friends.
- I feel like we're becoming friends.
- We're friends.
- Do you wanna come to this party?
- I don't think so.
I gotta finish writing this article
to distract myself.
Distract yourself from what?
The fact that Golf Guy
hasn't called me in a few days.
- Like zero contact?
- Yeah, but he'll call me soon,
'cause he said he was gonna come
to Becca's party tonight.
- Whatever. It's not like I care.
- It's gonna be fun.
- Duncan?
- [Duncan] Free booze and hot dogs.
- You've convinced me. I'll be there.
- Perfect. She's my plus one.
You're my plus one.
I'm Suze's plus one. You're a plus two.
- So, she's my plus three.
- I'm his plus three.
[announcer] DJ JC,
kicking it live on the dance floor.
- Yes!
- Oh, my God.
- [Charlie] You see all the hot guys?
- [Duncan] Don't do that.
Everybody's so tan. Oh, my goodness.
Look at you. You look so pretty.
Duncan, you know Suze.
I heard you were coming,
and I still showed up, so...
- Harper.
- I'm Harper.
- Oh!
- [Harper screams]
- How are you doing this?
- I get you every time. Yeah.
Stop. Stop hugging each other.
You are not friends.
We're killing it.
Do you guys know each other?
It's like Battle of the Bulge over here.
It's a war zone.
- Hey, Charlie.
- He's not gonna call you,
- and it's not a big deal.
- I slept with him.
I don't do that with many people.
Thanks, Duncan.
First guy I ever slept with came out
while he was inside of me.
I hate to be the one
that has to explain this.
- That's actually how sex works.
- That's not what she's talking about, bro.
- He came out as a gay man.
- While he was inside you?
Yeah, you know, it's kind of like
you don't really know until you tried it.
And then, once you tried it,
you really know.
Well, you know what?
Golf Guy wasn't like that.
He was perfect.
I think your bar for perfect
is really low.
Can we stop? We're gonna play
a game called hard to get.
Hard to get? Makes no sense.
It's evolutionarily unsound.
Why would a caveman want a cavewoman
who was like, "Go get me food.
When you come back,
maybe there'll be a cave for you,
maybe there won't be."
Men should want women
that are gonna keep the coziest,
warmest caves. Men need shelter.
- I am guaranteeing shelter.
- Screw Golf Guy.
I did screw Golf Guy. That's why
I'm having this frigging problem.
No, forget about him.
I will go with you to the party.
I will be your other salamander.
What are you talking about?
What about Suze?
She should see what it's like
when her cave doesn't have any fire.
But I'm not the cavewoman.
I am still the man.
Let's just go.
- You're getting married!
- Hi! Hi!
- Hey, angel, I'm so sorry I'm late.
- That's okay. I don't care.
- How do I look? That's what I care about.
- How do you look? You look so beautiful.
- Really?
- Incredible.
- Like slutty first Holy Communion, right?
- Yes. Exactly.
- Is that Golf Guy?
- No. This is Charlie, from work.
- Hi, Charlie from work. Nice to meet you.
- Thanks for having me.
[Looking Glass's "Brandy" playing]
There's a port on a western bay
And it serves a hundred ships a day
[glass clinking]
So, as most of you know,
I have, um, dated a lot of guys.
[all chuckle]
- Hear, hear. That's my girl.
- I've liked a lot of things about them.
Like, yeah. And then I met Mike over here,
and there was a lot to not like about him.
[all laughing]
He, um, dresses like a stepdad,
as you can see.
- He listens to Creed.
- Just their old stuff.
- Non-ironically.
- Okay, but they are good.
Every single time he hears a siren,
he goes, "That's my ride."
This is super fun for me, by the way.
And yet...
Oh, man, I'm completely
and totally in love with him.
When I was little, my grandmother,
she used to say:
"You like because, and you love despite."
You like someone
because of all of their qualities,
and you love someone
despite some of their qualities.
Mikey... [giggles]
I like you almost as much as I love you,
and I can't wait to marry you.
[guests murmuring]
[all cheering]
Okay, sorry. Get drunk
so I have fun stories to tell.
[Harper] Wow, all the way to the top.
[Charlie] I don't think
we need new shot glasses.
Thank you.
- Okay.
- All right.
- Okay, to the last penis of my life.
- That's me. That's me, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
- One, two, three.
[siren wailing nearby]
That's my ride.
- He does do it every time.
- I know.
[Stevie Wonder's "Signed, Sealed,
Delivered (I'm Yours)" playing]
Signed, sealed, delivered
I'm yours
- You're so good at that.
- Oh, I'm just like Bruce Lee.
- I just don't even know what's going on.
- Just stop thinking.
Nobody cares. Let's do it.
Look at all these assholes.
Signed, sealed, delivered
I'm yours
Here I am, baby
Just imagine you're paralyzed,
and all of a sudden,
you get feeling back into your limbs.
Now you're one of those blow-up
air men outside a car dealership.
Yeah, that's...
[Dire Straits' "Romeo and Juliet" playing]
Don't be weird.
A lovestruck Romeo
Sings the streets a serenade
Laying everybody low
With a love song that he made
- What's Rick and Kirsten's "and yet"?
- What do you mean?
That "because, love despite" thing,
when there are all these...
Like all these reasons
why it shouldn't work out...
but they don't care.
Like Romeo and Juliet.
Our families are mortal enemies,
and yet...
You nearly gave me a heart attack
He's underneath the window
- Rick and Kirsten don't have one.
- Well, that's good, you know? We...
I mean, they can't not like anything
about each other.
Not yet.
But even friendships have them.
Like, Becca's wild,
and she drinks too much,
and she's never paid a bill on time,
and yet I love her.
You like expensive stuff...
and let a 23-year-old walk all over you,
and yet you're tolerable.
- I do not let her walk all over me.
- I'm sorry. Where are your sunglasses?
And the way we used to be
All I do is keep the beat
You talk way too fast,
and you are way too nice to everyone...
- except me, apparently...
- [laughs]
- and yet... you are a terrible dancer.
- That's not how it works.
I need pizza.
So, like, we're clearing the air,
you know what I mean?
I probably had a few glasses of wine.
It was like... [laughs]
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Oh, my God.
- You're drunk.
- What? Me?
- Yeah.
- You.
- It was an accident.
- Mm-hm
- But it was also incredibly on purpose.
- Angel. You're the love of my life,
- Yeah?
and I'm so happy for you.
But there's no pizza on this roof,
I have to go.
- Do you wanna come?
- I can't.
- Sure?
- I can't. But get out of here.
- Love you.
- Love you.
- Charlie?
- [Charlie] Huh?
It's time to go.
- Oh, man. Keep it real, though.
- [Charlie] Miss you already.
- Where do you want these?
- Oh, you can just put them on the table.
- You are gonna let the smell out.
- I wish that box was my bed.
I know this is not gonna sound
how I mean it to sound.
- I wanna fuck this pizza.
- I get it.
You should never say that to anyone.
But I get it.
[loud music playing]
I'm sorry.
Duncan's playing Third Eye Blind in there.
- What does that mean?
- He's hooking up with a guy.
Duncan is gay?
I'm kidding.
We cannot interrupt him.
Do you know how athletic I was?
Impressed yet?
I'm so hungry.
Too hungry.
Oh, God. Nope.
- Do you need some help?
- Yeah.
- Give me the pizza.
- No. I'm gonna take it up to the top.
Absolutely not, your hands
are too small. Ah!
- Charlie.
- I'll hold it in one hand.
I'm gonna move my way up this ladder
like a monkey. Stop.
Stop. I got this.
- All right.
- Oh, my God.
Stop. Keep the top up.
Otherwise the cheese will slide.
- [laughs]
- Please don't drop my pizza.
- What? Just stop making me laugh.
- I'm serious.
- Stop making me laugh.
- I'm not trying to. I mean it.
- Okay?
- It is in my possession. I got this.
- [Harper] Oh, are you okay?
- I'm fine.
No, I'm talking to my pizza.
[both groan]
[Charlie] Parkour.
This is the dining room.
One, two, three.
[Adam Bravin & Esthero's
"Come Go With Me" playing]
- Thank God.
- That looks so good.
Just choose it.
Love, love me darlin'
Come and go with me
Please don't send me
This is the best meal I've had...
in my entire life.
Come, come, come, come
Come to my heart
Tell me darlin'
We'll never part
I should probably go...
Slice for the road?
Two, please.
But roll it crust-side-out.
I'm a lady.
Say you love her
Yes, you really love her
Never give me a chance
Come, come, come, come
Come into my heart
Tell me darlin'
We will never part
I need you, darlin'
[cell phone buzzing]
Come and go with me
- What are you doing here?
- You two, in my office, now.
[Rick] Charlie,
this is Kirsten.
- Kirsten's assistant, Helga.
- Harper.
You two should get to know each other
because Kirsten and I,
we're getting married.
- [Harper] Really?
- That's great.
Wonderful. [chuckles]
We're flying to St. John's,
we're gonna elope on the beach,
sunsets, all that romantic shit.
We want you two to set it up.
Us. Of course.
Obviously, because who else would do it?
- We can do that.
- Sunset, St. John's.
How come you're not writing this down
like Henrietta?
- What's going on?
- Oh. Um...
We can make that happen.
- When do you wanna go?
- Next Saturday.
Next Saturday?
That's so soon.
I'm gonna be gone for so long,
there's gonna be little to do.
This is a good time to prep that draft
on the nonagenarians
you were talking about.
Yes, please. That would be...
wonderful. [chuckles]
- Okay.
- And, Charlie, I'm giving you a promotion.
So, when we get back,
you can teach the new bastard
for a few weeks,
- and bring him up to your level.
- Absolutely.
- [Rick] We'll make this legal.
- [Kirsten] You're ridiculous.
[Rick] Give me some of that.
Now? Are you still here?
Oh, my God.
[Harper laughing]
All right.
We can work from the District Club today.
I wanna throw a big party to celebrate,
um, when we're back.
Invite all the usual girls.
Maybe we should have a party before
the wedding. What's on my agenda?
You have Mary's baby shower,
but I canceled that for you.
- I'll go to that now.
- You will?
I'll finally have something
they'll wanna talk about.
Have a seat, Harper.
[stammers] You and...? Okay.
All right. Sorry.
I'm gonna give you some advice.
Men don't wanna date you
when you're beating them to a story.
But I have met someone
who wants me to be strong.
And he likes that I'm successful.
He's a goddamn unicorn.
I don't know. It feels like fate.
- I know that I've been cunty.
- You haven't.
- Don't be those women that can't say cunt.
- I am not.
I know I've been cunty.
It's partly because you're young
and your skin bounces back,
and it annoys me, but...
it's because I want you to succeed.
What do you mean?
I see so much potential in you.
But you have to have tough skin.
So, if I'm the most awful person when this
shitstorm of an industry is hard on you,
I know that you'll be prepared.
MyChef Series A is gonna be
such a disaster.
We're so smart we didn't invest with them.
Don't forget to tell Kiki.
- About MyChef?
- No, dummy. About the wedding.
And the date. Six weeks before hers.
Is she invited?
Send her a big bouquet of daisies.
She hates daisies.
With a note that says, "Ha, ha.
I'm gonna beat you to the altar.
But tonight, we're gonna knock boots
like we did on that Swiss gondola."
- And, obviously,
- Um, what?
Tell Kirsten I have a meeting
or something tonight.
Well... I just thought, uh...
I thought you were gonna marry Kirsten.
Yeah, I am. Which reminds me.
This week, go to a ring spot
and get a ring so big,
you can see that shit from space.
Food here sucks.
Charlie, you did it.
What? Well, I didn't.
I did it. We both did it.
What are we talking about?
I know this started out selfishly for us,
but we made two people fall in love.
We made two miserable people happy.
I thought best-case,
they'd date for a month.
But they actually really like each other.
We changed their lives.
I'm proud of us.
I think we did something really good.
Me, too.
So, I was looking at
the, uh, Caneel Bay Resort.
They have a, uh, slot next Saturday.
Will you come help me pick out the ring?
Absolutely not. I gotta go to the office,
drop off these things.
Please? You're better at this than me.
I need female expertise.
You know what Kirsten likes.
You're beautiful.
You're charming. You are witty.
- You are clever...
- Okay, fine. [laughs]
Yes! Great.
If you're going back to the office,
can you grab Rick's personal Amex
on my desk?
[Rick] You gotta warn me if you're gonna
send me photos like that when I'm at work.
Oh, no, no. Of course I want them.
I don't wanna show them
to a bunch of Japanese bankers.
[Rick laughs]
Tonight, you need to wear that red dress.
Because you look so hot in that dress.
I can't concentrate.
[Kiki] Good. I don't work this hard on
this body for it not to be a distraction.
We're not married anymore.
You can't tell me what to wear.
Can we try that thing we did
on our honeymoon?
- You think you could see this from space?
- [laughs] Yes.
- Hi.
- Oh, is this the lucky lady?
How do you think Kirsten feels
about blood diamonds?
Here. It was so weird when I got the card.
I heard Rick flirting
with somebody on the phone.
I think Kirsten's in a meeting.
What do you think that was?
I... What I think it probably was,
he likes to leave like a super-sexy
little voicemail for her to listen to.
And hear later.
- I...
- Yes.
think Kirsten likes topaz.
Do you think she likes topaz?
Sure. Do you think Kiki likes topaz?
She didn't mention it
when she and Rick were having phone sex.
- You tricked me. That was entrapment.
- You just admitted it.
- You lied to me. You knew.
- It's one time. It was a mistake.
- Doesn't mean anything.
- After everything we did...
He's confused. He just needed to get it
out of his system before the wedding.
The wedding?
They can't still get married, Charlie.
Oh, this is for a wedding.
I actually have a great selection.
We need one minute. Thank you.
Harper, we can keep this from her.
We control their phones, e-mails.
We're the men behind the curtain.
She doesn't have to know.
You wanna help Rick cheat on Kirsten?
We have faked their entire relationship.
Now one thing goes wrong, it's a crime
to suddenly work behind the scenes?
It was never okay.
But now you're willing...
to ruin somebody's life
just so you can keep dating
some boring girl
and work longer hours
in a job that does not matter.
Whose life am I ruining? Theirs?
- They had no lives. We gave them lives.
- Oh, my God.
[chuckles] You're worse than Rick.
Rick is... He's a selfish,
superficial asshole, but he can't help it.
You could be a good person,
but you wanna be an asshole.
You're so obsessed with getting promoted
and becoming Rick.
You're choosing to be a piece of shit.
Stop pretending
this is some moral dilemma.
You are afraid
not to be an assistant anymore.
That's ridiculous.
Have you written anything
with all this free time?
Anything? You finish one article
or you just keep planning to?
I think you'd rather run around,
getting coffee than sit down,
write something and find out you suck.
I'm telling Kirsten.
The whole truth.
All of it.
[alarm wailing]
No, no, no. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
That was the...
You're not under arrest.
Put your hands down.
We need to get the ring off.
This happens all the time.
Not the part where you two collaborate
to, like, trick your bosses
into dating and then it blows...
I wasn't listening.
Listen, I'm giving you good advice
When it comes to love
Don't think twice
First there's kissing...
- [server] Anyone for cake?
- I'll try one.
Uh, I'm sorry to just show up.
- You forgot this.
- Thanks. Honestly, you saved me.
If I have to hear another woman talk about
how much her nipples changed
since giving birth, I'll kill myself.
I swear to God, Harper.
I walked in here with a fianc,
and suddenly, I'm a member of a club.
They wanna talk about having kids.
- First, I have to be a stepmother.
- I don't think you should be a stepmother.
I don't think you should marry Rick
because you don't actually like him.
- Of course I do. I love him.
- No, you don't.
This whole thing,
your whole relationship, it's not real.
What are you talking about?
- Rick's assistant and I set you up.
- No, you didn't.
We shut down the elevator so you'd meet.
The Yankees game,
I got you on the Kiss Cam.
And when you guys broke up...
we told him what to say.
Nantucket, the flowers, that was us.
We made you think you liked each other.
You don't know this guy. You don't like
him. What you feel for him, it's not real.
You have no idea what is real.
You think you understand the intimacy
of a relationship?
You're 25. I don't care how it started.
- He doesn't see you. He...
- Stop...
You're fired.
Get out.
Tickets booked?
Uh... Yeah. Yes.
They are.
For the wedding.
[Armon Jay's "Better Off Without" playing]
[line ringing]
- [woman] Kirsten Stevens' office.
- You don't wanna talk,
- but hear me out.
- Who is this?
I'm covering Kirsten's desk.
Can I help you?
Thank you.
And it's broken now
I can't seem to fix it
[alarm ringing]
Coming to drinks later?
Oh, I can't change
What already happened
I can only control how I react
We thought the market cap was overvalued.
We looked at college towns,
and surprisingly...
You gotta be better.
This is not working.
Sometimes I wonder
If you're better off
Sometimes I wonder
If you're better off
Without me
Mom, it turns out touring wedding venues
is so much more fun than touring colleges,
because of all the free food
and booze out...
Oh, I gotta call you back.
Oh, my God.
It is like a tornado hit a Chinese...
Hey, are you okay?
Why are you not at work? Harper.
Because I got fired.
That's amazing.
Are you okay?
I spent so much time there.
And I never wrote a single article.
Now Kirsten hates me.
And she'll never help me.
I'm bad at this.
I've been trying to write the same article
for months, Becca.
And it's so bad I can't finish it.
Of course
your first draft is gonna be bad.
It's gonna be terrible.
Then you know what you do, Harper?
You go back and you make it better.
But you can't make it better
until you actually do it.
You're not a bad writer yet.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself
and just write something bad.
Yes, Kirsten was mean.
But you learned so much from her.
You just never had the time to use it.
And now, bud, you got the time.
So, get off your bony little ass
and just do it!
- Okay.
- Okay.
I'm gonna write...
the shittiest article ever written.
Yes. It's gonna suck ass.
I can't wait to read it.
Okay. I got this.
Okay. Okay. Yes. Okay.
Are you cleaning this up?
Are we gonna hire someone?
I am not leaving this chair
until I write an entire article.
- Great. That's great news for me.
- Can I get some free chips and water?
[Suze] I always wanted to eat here.
This is where Kim
threw Kanye's half-birthday party.
Our best table.
This is exciting.
Oh, my God.
This is the best meal I've ever had.
The best meal I ever had
was a $5 pizza thrown up a fire escape.
This sucks.
This whole place sucks.
It smells weird. It's far too quiet.
And this steak is delicious.
It is not worth $70.
And you and I,
we never talk about anything.
I don't want to wanna be an asshole.
You sound insane.
Just eat your steak.
If my 15-year-old self would see me now,
he would punch me in the dick.
I don't wanna do this anymore, Suze.
But you're my backup.
You know what?
Order whatever you want, on me.
What am I doing? You're not
my girlfriend anymore. Give me that.
I'm not Rockefeller.
[cell phone buzzing]
Harper. You were right.
We can't let them do this.
I'm going to JFK.
Meet me at the terminal.
It's the cheap one.
Don't have time. Leaving the coat.
I need a taxi.
I gotta get to the airport right now.
I gotta stop someone from getting married.
Flight leaves in... Oh.
I got, like, four hours.
And we've been to Times Square. What about
museums? Should we go to the Met?
Do you like beautiful art that makes you
re-examine what it means to be human?
- Yeah.
- Then, yeah. The Met's worth it.
In fact, it may still be open
if you go right... Oh, my God.
I did the over-dick-around thing.
Hey. Did I forget something?
Yeah. That you're a bastard.
I don't wanna be like you.
I'm not gonna be.
I don't want the promotion. I quit.
Kirsten? Don't marry him.
Do it, honey. Go with the young guy.
Oh, no. No, no.
I mean, she's a very handsome woman.
- Not what's going on here.
- Charlie. You're fired as fuck.
I literally just quit.
Kirsten, I know you don't know me,
but I know you,
because all Harper does is talk about you.
And even when she's complaining about you,
she's really complimenting you.
I know how hard you work
and what a badass you are,
and I know you don't put up with any shit.
So, don't put up with his.
I don't know what you think you're getting
out of this, but you deserve better.
You are better.
Oh, my God. Gave myself goose bumps.
He's crazy. You realize that?
What's my favorite food?
Your favorite... It's steak tartare.
It's green curry, you douche-tard.
She likes it medium-spicy
from Thai Leaf on Broadway.
What's my favorite place?
Kiki, I ca... [clears throat]
This is ridiculous.
Why are we...?
Your name is Kirsten.
Squam Lake, New Hampshire,
you douche-tard.
I know you're no longer his assistant,
but could you please strike "wedding"
from his calendar?
Are you being serious?
No. Kiki's short for Kirsten.
I finished.
I finished.
The whole article.
I finished it.
From beginning to end.
I finished it. I finished the whole thing.
You, sir, are a hero and scholar,
and are about to receive the greatest tip
in the history of the service industry.
Technically, I don't have my wallet on me.
Leave this place and never return.
[whispers] I did it.
[knock on door]
- What do you want?
- You live here?
It's disgusting.
Hold up. Hold up, hold up.
I'm sorry. I just...
I, uh...
I need some information on, uh, my wife.
My ex-wife.
Like what?
I got some written down here.
Uh, assorted favorites,
as in, uh, favorite foods,
- flowers, clothing...
- Are you serious?
Look, I realize I should know this.
But you used to do all this stuff for me.
I want her back.
I have an old Kiki file.
- I'll send it over to you.
- [exhales]
Thank you. Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- I really appreciate this.
- Rick.
- You still work for this guy?
- Nope.
It's soy. Nice seeing you, Rick.
[Charlie] Bye, Rick.
- Hi.
- Oh.
Thank God you're here.
I can't find that piece
on lesbian soccer players in Nigeria.
Probably in your "deleted" folder.
- I can't find Julie's number.
- You made me change it
- to Satan in your contacts.
- Come back to work.
You crossed every line ever.
I genuinely considered setting you up
for white-collar crime
and just letting you rot in jail.
But I understand in some ways
what you were trying to do.
You're not an unintelligent person.
I don't know how you did all this.
This place is falling apart without you.
Come back and do it with me.
I learned so much from you.
You're my hero.
But if I wanna actually be a writer, I
have to stop making excuses not to write.
So, I can't be your assistant.
But I'd love to help you find a new one.
You're fired again.
- I have to get my stuff. This is awkward.
- Have you written anything?
Have I written anything? Yes.
I have written something.
It's just... It's right here.
Let's go over it.
- Tell me something I don't know.
- Okay.
- "Twilight Champions."
- Yeah, but that title is...
- No, I like it. I love the title.
- I like it, too. I could like it.
This is about the geriatric Olympiads?
If I spend too much time
on Gilda in the beginning,
people will know that she's gonna die.
Let her death be a twist.
Hold off until
after Harry wins his first med...
So, what are you doing here?
Oh, Kirsten told me to meet her.
What are you doing here?
Oh, my God.
- She Cyrano'd us.
- Yes, she...
I Googled it.
So, I know what it means now.
Why are you dressed like that?
I don't work here anymore.
I quit working for Rick.
Starting over. At 28.
Actually, I'm a temp,
which is technically lower
on the totem pole than an assistant,
which is kind of a kick in the nuts.
But it's, um, kind of cool.
I get to see a bunch of different jobs.
Find out what I actually like.
I like you.
So, so much.
You're not hard to get at all.
You're hard to earn.
It's so much better.
You displayed a total lack of character
when it mattered.
I know.
Charlie, you have the romantic and
sexual personality of a seventh-grader.
I feel like it'd be at least high school.
You wear suits to sports games.
You're a know-it-all.
You are unbelievably bad at beer pong.
You're a sore winner.
And you use too many exclamation points.
And yet...
[The Del-Vikings'
"Come Go With Me" playing]
I feel joy.
Maybe I love love in open spaces, too.
Well I love, love you darlin'
Come and go with me
Come home with me
Way beyond the sea
I need you darlin'
So come go with me
Come, come, come, come
Come into my heart
Tell me darlin'
We will never part
I need you darlin'
So come go with me
Yes, I need you
Yes, I really need you
Please say you'll never leave me
Well, say you never
Yes, you really never
You never give me a chance
Come, come, come, come
Come into my heart
Tell me darlin'
We will never part
I need you darlin'
So come go with me
Yes, I need you
Yes, I really need you
Please say you'll never leave me
Well, say you never
Yes, you really never
You never give me a chance
I love you darlin'
Come and go with me
Come home with me
Way beyond the sea
I need you darlin'
So come go with me
Come on, go with me
Come on, go with me