Sex and Assassins (2017) Movie Script

- Oh, that's better.
Yeah, wait, wait, super hot space girl.
I will read it to you so you
know what I'm talking about,
that I'm not just talking.
Here, I'll show you, I'll show you.
Uh, there, okay!
We regret to inform you
that your film was not selected
for the New York Film Festival,
because it sucked, and so do you, bitches.
Okay, I made that last part up, but, mm,
they just don't understand me like you do,
super hot space girl.
We should get married.
I just, I think we should
take this to a next level
and really get serious
about this relationship.
Do you think our kids
would have green skin?
I mean, it's fine if they do.
You know, it's a big, wide world,
but you know, I just wonder
what you think about,
you know, maybe they'd
be light-green-skinned,
you know, between the two
of, you should definitely,
you should definitely
marry me, though, I think.
I think we'd be a really good couple.
Oh, hey, Paige.
Paige, I want you to meet
super hot space girl.
Super hot space girl, Paige.
- What are you doing, Jonah?
This isn't you.
- Mm, we're gonna get married,
me and super hot space girl.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Yeah.
We're gonna live on her
planet, and we're gonna have
a bunch of little
light-green-skinned kids.
- That sounds wonderful.
Let me know where you're registered.
- Okay, you should definitely, whoa!
Oh, no, no, no.
Super hot space babe?
- Mornin' sunshine.
Have a good sleep?
- Oh, Paige.
Paige, we need to talk
about your cock blocking.
I really needed that last night.
- Um, you need a good,
swift kick in the ass
is what you need.
- Two words, super hot space babe, Paige.
Super hot space babe.
- 'Kay, that's way more than two words,
but I completely agree with you.
She was a super hot space babe.
She seemed like she was really fun,
you know, like really
fun, and really nice,
and I hope you two had a good
time together last night.
I know I did.
- Fuck comedy.
- Yes, thank you!
Fuck comedy.
- Boom shaka-laka.
- Yeah.
- Ow.
- Super hot space girls.
- Hello.
Look, Dad, Dad, why are you calling me?
What do you want?
No, I don't care, you made that choice.
No, Dad, by not saying anything,
you chose a side, okay?
I, no , no,
see, I'm dead, remember?
You don't want this dead
weight hanging around,
isn't that what you guys said?
Look, no, Dad.
Dad, I gotta go.
Yeah, I, I will, bye.
- Wanna talk about it?
- No, there's
nothing to talk about.
- Go away, Paige.
I know what you want.
- Oh, really, Jonah,
you think you know me?
Then tell me what I want, tell me.
- You want me to just
forget all this bullshit.
Well, it's not that easy.
- Okay, well, it should be
a little bit easier for you
because you're always
complaining about shit,
and you should feel
inspired and motivated.
- No, my brother's right.
I am a bum slut bitch.
- Why do you keep fueling
all of your emotions
on stupid shit your brother says?
- It's true.
- It is not true!
I mean, the parts about
you being an asshole
are sometimes true, but
you're not a bum slut bitch.
- No, I am.
- Fuck comedy, remember?
- What?
- Fuck comedy, remember?
Fuck it.
- All right.
- Okay?
- All right.
Fuck it, fuck comedy.
- Right in the ear, fuck it!
- Fuck it.
- All right.
Can I put my finger down now?
- No, I like it there.
- All right.
Write something different,
okay, not a comedy.
Use this emotion you have
to fuel an awesome script.
- Not a comedy?
- Not a comedy.
- A drama?
- Sure.
- Action?
- Whatever, just anything
except for comedy, all right?
Fuck comedy.
- Fuck comedy.
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna write an action script.
I'm gonna blow some shit up!
- Oh, yes, blow shit up.
- And sex, lots of sex.
I'm gonna write some
awesome sex scenes for it.
- Okay, well, we write what we know,
so don't write any sex scenes.
I'll write those.
Tasha doesn't like the look he gave her.
Fire and explosions fill the screen.
- Tasha doesn't like the look he gave her.
Fire and explosions fill the screen.
- She pulls out a knife
bigger than his dick and says,
time for you to die.
- Wait a minute, how does
she know how big his dick is?
- Oh, she knows, she knows.
- Okay, but how does the
audience know that she knows
how big his dick is
unless we write in a scene
where they have sex,
which we haven't done.
- No, it's not for the audience.
It's for the script reader.
- You don't think that's gonna
confuse the script reader?
- Can we move past this, like
seriously just move past this
before I pull out a knife
bigger than your dick?
- That wouldn't have
to be a very big knife.
- No, I know, like a butter
knife would be just fine.
- You should pull out a
knife the size of your dick.
That would be a big knife.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Like a lance or a saber.
- Yeah.
- So in scene 12, we've got
Tasha walking down the beach.
She runs into this random dude
who's, like, finishing his novel
and has sex with him on the beach.
- She has sex with some random beach guy?
- Yeah, it shows that she's
not like a shallow person.
She gives this humble writer guy a shot.
- Oh, okay, I get it.
So like, I'm assuming
you're gonna play the writer
and, like, this is gonna be your cameo.
- Nope, never crossed my mind.
- Okay, it doesn't show her
not to be a shallow person.
It just shows her to be a whore
that sleeps with anything
that walks or writes,
apparently, so--
- No, no, no, no,
it does not show that.
It shows her to be a
good judge of character.
That's what the audience is gonna see.
- No, whore, she's a whore now,
so let's just have her sleep
with everybody on the beach,
like nerds that are just
there reading a book,
or like, uh, some old fat guys in Speedos,
or let's throw in some
animals for good measure,
like a dog or a dolphin, just
to show she's got compassion.
- I'm keeping the scene.
Tasha lights the cigarette,
looks at the photo.
- Who's the bum slut bitch now?
Explosion, fade to black,
the end.
- Dude, ha, good job, good job!
You wrote something really
good that isn't a comedy
with so much violence.
- So much sex.
- Well, I wrote those scenes,
but the point is, this is gonna
be your redemption script.
- I just hope it's still me.
- Anything you write is a part of you.
What are you gonna call it?
- So what's up?
- I don't know.
I'm fuckin' with you.
I've got a studio interested, bro.
- Are you serious?
- Yeah, big numbers, big numbers.
Congratulations, Jonah.
I know you've been through a
lot, but you redeemed yourself.
- Thanks, Ross.
- You better be
thanking that muse of yours.
I totally thought you'd
kill yourself by now,
but ya didn't.
Listen, bro, there's some
conditions that the studio has.
- Okay, like what?
- They want to green
light this immediately
and get it out for Christmas.
They'll shoot this in Canada
to keep production costs down.
There's a lot of fuckin'
- But no re-writes?
I mean, I can change up some of the scenes
if it's too violent.
- No, they love the violence.
Blood sells, bro.
They also have casting ready to go.
They won't green light the picture
unless one of these
actresses are attached.
- All right, sounds good.
- What's wrong, bro?
You should be fucking excited.
They got some hotties ready to kill it
with the script you wrote.
- Nothing, just, are
the actresses any good?
I need to think about it.
- Think about it?
What the hell are you talking about?
What's to think about?
I'm selling your script, bro.
Hollywood dreams, baby!
- It's just a lot to sink in, that's all.
- Hello, Mr. Big Time.
- Um, lemme call you later, Ross.
- What the fuck?
Okay, okay, I don't know
what the hell there is to think about.
I'll call you first thing tomorrow.
- Thanks.
- Son of a bitch.
- What was that all about?
- I just need to think about it.
- Oh , no, you son of a bitch.
- I'll tell you what the problem is.
I don't think I like the script.
It's not a comedy.
- Oh, fuck comedy, come on!
- It's just sex and violence.
- Mm, hot assassins blowing people up.
Who doesn't want that?
Blowing people, see what I did?
You get that joke there?
Blowing people?
- You're not funny.
- Yeah, I know, right?
'Cause we're not comedy writers anymore.
We're action writers, a-boom shaka-laka!
- Why do you keep doing that?
What does that even mean?
- Oh, you know why.
It's because of your
silly little man crush
on Tom Brady.
- All right, all right.
All right, you're still not listening
to the original problem here.
- Well, I don't have to
listen to you.
I already know what you're gonna say,
and I am gonna argue, deflect, and ignore
every single point you
make, 'cause that is my job,
my friend, is to keep you on the path.
- Oh.
- You said it yourself.
- Ah.
- You're tired of being of
being a bum slut bitch, right?
Well, you wrote something really good
and a studio wants to make it.
Do you understand what's going on here?
- Yes, yes, yes, but I am a comedy writer.
I write comedies that
make people feel good.
I don't wanna just put
shit out into the world.
- Okay, well, excuse
me, Gandhi, oh holy one.
People need action movies
just as much as they need comedies, okay?
So you tried comedy, and uh, right now,
you aren't writing anything
that studios are willing to pay for.
But your next script
could be a comedy, huh?
Use this script for credibility.
Come on, man, Hollywood
is all about credibility.
- I know you're just trying to get me
to take the money and run.
- Yes, take the money and run
and buy a house and a
car and some new clothes,
because seriously, these
clothes you wear now,
they really suck.
Megan Alans, star of the
hit TV show Caperville.
Also did two small studio films,
Jazz Always and Ben Stute.
Both went on to make
$50 million worldwide.
This girl is on the up and up.
- Ben Stute, that was the cancer movie.
- Yes, the cancer film.
Awesome actress, killed it.
- Yeah, she was great in that.
She wants to do Sex and Assassins?
- Oh, you bet your sweet ass she does.
- I don't know.
I mean, she would be perfect
for this romantic comedy
script I have in mind.
- No, fuck romantic comedies.
Come on, Jonah, focus.
She has the acting chops to play Tasha.
- Yeah, I don't know.
See, I figure Tasha as, like, a redhead.
- Redhead?
- Yeah.
- What the hell, man?
You're killing me here.
What do you think wigs
and hair dye are for?
Dallas Larousse.
- Yeah.
- 27 years old.
Bitch with attitude.
- Yeah, she was in Meet
the Monsters, Girl Stop.
- Mm-hmm.
- She's a badass.
- Yeah, she'd kill it as Tasha.
Beautiful, too.
- She hasn't worked
a lot lately.
- Well, I'm sure that's why
the studio wants her for this.
It'll be her comeback film.
- Mm, no,
I heard she was kinda difficult.
- Oh, where'd you read
that, smut magazines?
- No.
- You're difficult.
- I'm, no, I'm not!
- You have two talented
actresses to choose from.
It does not get much better than that,
my screenwriter friend,
so you need to sack up
and pick somebody.
Have you made a decision yet?
- Jesus, Paige, don't you ever knock?
- Um, I'm gonna ignore
that ridiculous question
and repeat my original question.
Have you made a decision yet?
- No, Paige, I have not made
any sort of--
- Oh, well,
that's too bad because you got a voicemail
from your brother this morning.
- Are you serious?
- Yes, I'm serious.
- Jonah, yo,
what's going on with you?
Why you being such a bum slut bitch?
Why you being such a bum
slut, slut bitch, bitch
Ba ba ba bi bi bi
Bi bi bi bi bi bi bi
- Fuck that guy.
- Great news, Jonah.
I'm glad you made the right decision.
Not that I doubted you.
Well, I did have some doubt in you,
but you made the right decision, bro.
- Can we just get started with this, Ross?
- I got Megan coming
to your place tonight,
Dallas tomorrow night.
You will court both of them
and see who fights for the role the most.
My money's on Dallas.
She'll eat you up.
Better watch yourself.
- No , nothing
like that is gonna happen.
I'm a professional.
- Yeah, whatever, you cook?
No, you don't, I'll send delivery.
I'll find out if they have food allergies,
stupid shit like that.
- Yeah, that's kind of important.
- You got any alcohol?
Probably cheap shit, I'll
send over some bottles.
Don't worry, I'll take
care of the details.
You just clean up your place.
Take a shower, too.
- I did shower.
I'm tired of his negative energy.
He thinks I'm a, like I'm a piece of shit.
- Eh, he's got your
best interest at heart.
Ross got you a studio deal.
- No, not Ross, my brother.
- Oh, you have a brother?
Huh, I didn't know.
- You know, it's all my fault now.
Mom used to be the glue of this family.
Now that she's gone,
everything's gone to shit.
- Okay, you know what, focus, Jonah.
You know what you have to do tonight?
You have to not talk about your family,
and I think that your mom
would be proud of you.
In fact, I think you're
making her proud right now,
and we're gonna go on this
journey together anyway,
'cause we're gonna prove
to the entire world
that you're a somebody.
- I don't know, the world's pretty fickle.
- Okay, great, you know what?
I can't get this smooch off here,
so why don't you finish
washing these dishes.
You got company coming over.
- What, you're doing a great job.
- Do you really think
I'm washing these dishes right now?
I ain't no bum slut bitch.
- Why am I so nervous?
Is it good to be nervous?
- No, no, don't be nervous.
They're here to woo you.
We don't need them.
They need us, got it?
- Yeah, but I'm still nervous.
It's a big deal, I don't wanna
scare 'em off the picture.
- You won't, just be smooth.
Just be calm, just--
- Yeah.
- Don't talk too much.
Okay , you know what?
You're, it's you, okay, so you
can be a little bit nervous.
Not a lot, just a little.
- Wait, I thought you were
supposed to be encouraging me.
- Well, I'm not gonna lie to you.
But I will sometimes
have to tell you things that aren't true.
- What, wait, you know what?
You don't have to be
here for this tonight.
I can do this on my own, Paige.
- Yeah, right!
- I don't know, maybe a tie?
- No.
No, no.
- Uh, what about
cool, slick, slinky black--
- God, no.
- Like this one?
- No, are you kidding me, no!
You're worse than a woman.
- Wow.
- Oh, okay,
I made a sexist remark.
Bite me.
- Okay, um, jacket?
- No!
- Come on,
I wanna look, like, the part here.
- The part of an asshole?
- No, the part of a,
never mind, you're no help.
- You nailed the part of
the asshole, by the way.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
Why don't you put on your prom dress?
- No big deal,
he's just the screenwriter.
He's not a big-time director.
He is just the screenwriter.
Not a big deal , you can do this.
It's okay to be nervous.
Just smile, just smile.
- So it's kind of an honor
to meet you.
No, I saw Ben Stute, and you
were really good in that.
- Thank you.
It was a very tough
role, lots of research.
- I bet.
My mom had cancer.
- Oh, sorry.
- Uh, no, it, no, it's fine.
She's, she's dead now.
- I'm sorry for your loss.
- I can't believe I just said that.
I'm so sorry, that was
really embarrassing.
I don't believe I just blurted that out.
- You did not just tell
her your mom is dead.
Oh, shit balls.
- I like your place, it's nice.
- You're in trouble, Jonah.
Get the hell outta here.
Okay, what's wrong?
Are you feeling okay?
- Ah, that was just stupid.
- I thought we stopped
with the dead mom shit?
- It's not shit.
We were talking about the cancer movie
and research, I don't know.
- Okay, but that doesn't
mean you have to tell her
that your mom had cancer and is dead.
Jesus, Jonah!
- I know, I know,
I know, you're right, I'm sorry.
- Okay, just avoid the cancer movie.
- But it's the only one of hers I've seen.
- Just move on to Sex and Assassins.
- Sex and Assassins,
you're right, you're right.
Okay, I got this.
- Do you got this, Jonah?
'Cause I think all you got
is a case of the social awkwardness.
- So what'd you think
of Sex and Assassins?
- I really enjoyed it.
I thought the character of
Tasha was a real badass.
She has a lot of layers to her character.
Really well-written action script.
- Thanks, it was a lot of fun to write.
Wait, action script?
- Yeah, it's a great action script.
It's really well-written.
- Oh, shit.
- Well-written action script,
so not a well-written script?
- Well-written action script?
- Let it go, Jonah.
I swear to God.
- Is everything okay?
I really think it's great.
- No, it's fine, it's fine.
I'm, I'm glad you think
it's a great action script.
- What is going on with you?
- She hates the script.
She hates it.
- No, she doesn't.
She said it's a great
script, well-written.
Get your ass in gear.
Ask her if she has any questions
about the role.
- She said
it was a well-written action script.
- It is a well-written action script.
- Oh, you too, now, what the fuck?
- Look, Jonah, she said
she loves the script,
so just forget about it.
Just, like, move on.
- All right, fine.
- Hey.
I think she wants your manhood.
- What?
Look, Jonah,
I really didn't mean to offend you.
- No, it's okay, you didn't.
- Yeah, you did.
You pricked his sensitive
little vagina, Megan.
- I really enjoyed the script
and I would love to play Tasha.
She's ferocious but sexy.
She has a lot to say in the story.
- That's right, bitch.
- You really like Tasha?
- Yeah, I did.
What inspired you to write
that kind of character?
- I don't know, she's
basically me, you know,
with boobs.
Like the, betrayed by her family,
you know, and they want her dead.
I can totally relate to that,
'cause it's kinda my story.
I mean, write what you know, right?
- Damn you, Jonah.
Ugh, I need a drink.
Oh, I'm just gonna take her out
because that seems to be what you want.
- No, Paige, she asked a fair
question about the script.
- Okay, so you give her
a simple, vague answer,
not an answer that makes
you seem weird and unusual.
- Wait, I'm a writer, I write what I know.
Everything I write has
some sort of subtext in it.
You know that.
- Oh, I was just
really hoping the film was
full of, like, explosions
and random nakedness for no reason,
not that you're an emotional
woman on her fucking period.
- Ow, I am not on my period.
That's not cool.
- Okay, you know what?
I'm just kicking her out.
- I'll take care of it.
- I think Tasha's a layered character.
She has that raw, dangerous energy,
which we see when she takes somebody out,
and a sexual appetite ,
which shows she has needs
like everybody else.
- Whore, she's a whore, just say it.
- So you don't think she's a whore?
- No, I mean, one could
make that argument,
but I think it just makes her human.
- What about when she has random sex
with that writer on the beach?
- Oh, God.
- It didn't say he was a writer,
just a random guy on the beach.
- Well, yeah, but he could be a,
look, it doesn't matter.
Um, do you have any--
questions about the role
or the script?
- Yeah, I have notes.
I can get them.
- Yeah.
- Everybody has notes.
- So it's in act three
that we learn she just wants
her mom to be proud of her.
- Nice, I can feel that
connection to her when I read it.
That's the human connection I have,
'cause our family drama's
pretty similar.
- Really?
- Hungry, you hungry, Megan?
She's hungry, feed her.
- Uh, you hungry?
- Yeah, I could eat.
- Let me see what I cooked up for us.
Uh, we could talk more on
that connection in just a sec.
- Oh, let's go, Romeo.
- How goes it?
Everything going well with Megan?
I sure fuckin' hope so, bro.
- No, he's hanging in there.
- Things are going good.
- Good, not great?
What's up, not feeling it?
Wait, wait, wait, am I interrupting?
You smashing right now?
My bad, bro.
I'll holler at you, bro.
- No, I'm not smashing it.
There's no smashing going on.
She really likes the part.
I think, I think she'd be
really good in this role.
- Oh, you love her!
- I don't love her.
- Easy, bro, don't wear
your heart on your sleeve.
You're a beast, Jonah.
- Oh, yeah,
he's a beast, all right.
You're not a beast.
- She's crashing there?
- No, stop it.
- She's a hot mamacita.
It's all good if she does, bro.
Just use a condom.
- No, okay, I'll keep you posted.
We're just gonna have dinner, all right?
- Yeah, you will.
You enjoy that, bro.
- You're sick, Ross,
you're very sick.
- Better use a condom if you do, bro.
Don't trust her, could have some bugs.
- No condoms, I don't need any condoms.
- Oh, raw dogging it?
- My parents were so
opposite of each other.
I guess that's why they balance things out
for me and my brother.
- Yeah, I don't really
remember much of my family.
I blocked a lot of it out ,
but we had that ying and yang thing, too.
- Right, like my dad is,
like, no sex until marriage,
and my mom is like, use a condom.
- Oh , you think
that's funny, Mr. Raw Dog?
- I don't know, my
parents were the same way.
My dad was a practicing
Catholic and my mom was not,
and both of them are trying to
tell me that they were right.
- Oh, yeah, it was like the Crusades,
except both people were
old and wore polyester.
- I mean, I can't really
complain too much.
They both love me and
gave me opportunities
I never would've had, so--
- No, me too, me too.
I mean, until my mom died.
- Oh, fuck me.
- Mm, so good.
Do you cook?
- Uh, a little bit.
I mean, not a lot, not really at all, no.
- I love to cook.
This is really good.
- Oh, if you could put an orgasm in a jar
with some sugar, almonds, a macaroon,
and maybe a little bit of
chili pepper, this would be it.
- Well, I'm glad you like it, Megan.
- So , my worst
experience in Hollywood.
- Mm-hmm.
- Don't get me wrong.
There are a lot of people here,
some of them with no talent
but lots of ambition and spirit.
Most of the talented ones
are complete assholes.
- Oh.
- Present company excluded.
- Thank you.
- Oh, please, he's an asshole.
We're all assholes,
even you're an asshole.
- I don't think you're an asshole.
- Hollywood is
a land of opportunities
and it's a bitch.
- Bum slut bitch.
- Bum slut bitch.
- Bum slut bitch?
- Bum slut bitch!
Okay, here I thought
Meggy Peggy was the worst insult.
- Ooh, Meggy Peggy.
- Lame.
- I'll take that.
- Sorry, taken, you can have
bum slut bitch.
- Ooh, ouch.
- Ah, you got burned.
- Sorry,
you set yourself up for that one.
- I guess I did.
- Yeah, you totally did.
I guess we both did, but
you so much more than me.
- Okay, okay, I got this,
I got this.
- We got this, we got this.
- Okay, yes, yes.
- Yes.
- I can do this.
- I don't think you can do this.
- What?
- I'm kidding!
- All right.
- Or am I?
- Come on, I got this, I got this.
So I've been screenwriting ever since.
- That's awesome.
- Yeah, it's pretty nice.
I mean, you know, can't complain.
- Bullshit, he
complains all the time.
- I mean, you know, I
don't complain too much.
- It happens.
You know, I hate well-written scripts.
Why can't I get a
well-written action script?
See what I did there, you see that?
- I do, that was nice.
- Lame!
Are you buying this shit?
- Oh , would you please leave?
- Look, all I'm saying
is don't let her sexual
lust brainwash you.
Do you have an erection?
Ew, gross, you do!
- No, I don't, look!
- Ah, ah, no.
I don't wanna look.
- No, don't look,
- How can we
take a crap at the same time?
- You can't actually take,
why are we even talking about this?
Will you please just leave?
- Okay, you want me gone, just say so.
- Please leave.
- Gee,
you didn't even shave.
You do know you're not
gonna be able to poop
with her in the next room, right?
- Oh, Jesus, Paige.
So there's a lot she's
trying to accomplish.
She's really not just trying
to seek revenge for her mother.
- She's trying to prove herself.
She's trying to show her family
and everyone else that
there's more to her,
that she's a force to be
respected and reckoned with.
- Wow, yeah, you got that?
- Yeah.
- Anyone with a brain can
tell what the subtext is.
- I love the montage scene
where she kills the
henchman at Liberty Station.
Oh, I wish montage scenes
were in everyday life.
- Wait, you never had
a montage in real life?
- No.
- No, Jonah,
not a montage scene, not with this twat.
Please, I've been through so much tonight.
- Watch this.
- Okay, you two assholes done?
- Thank you, I've never lived out
a real montage scene before.
- You're welcome, they're fun,
and they help me fight writer's block.
- Oh, you're welcome.
They're real fun.
They help me with masturbation.
- Not masturbation.
- Excuse me?
- Uh, not saturation,
like, you know, blown out?
- Ha, you're blown out, all right.
- Okay, that's enough.
What is wrong with you?
Masturbation, she probably
thinks I'm a pervert now!
- I didn't say anything, you did.
- Oh, what--
- What, you really
think she hates you now?
- Oh, come on, what happened to
they need me, I don't need them?
She really likes this
script, she really likes it,
and you're fucking shit up.
- I'm not fucking shit up!
She's fucking shit up.
She's just trying to get in your pants.
- Okay, she is no way in hell
trying to get in my pants.
She actually likes the work, okay?
So just stop!
- I'm not gonna stop, you better stop!
- Look, I really like the
script, but part of me thinks
this isn't the story
you really want to tell,
and I get that.
It's a well-written action script,
which shows your writing chops.
Studios love that.
Just saying there's nothing stopping you
from writing your next script,
romantic comedy perhaps?
- You can play the lead.
- Would love to read it.
- Let's not and say we did.
- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
It's just a headache, it'll pass.
- Oh, sorry.
- No, it's not your fault,
and you're right, I, I'm not sure
that I even like this script.
But I just need to, it'll work out,
but either way, it was really
nice to meet you, Megan.
- Nice to meet you, too, Jonah.
- You and Ross talked me into this.
- Oh, I didn't say try and sleep with her.
- I wasn't trying to sleep
with her, Paige, Jesus!
- We didn't write this
script to get pussy, Jonah.
I heard you and Ross talking on the phone.
- I know you did, you were there
for the whole conversation.
- Oh, yeah, raw dogging it.
I know what's on your mind.
Why did you write this script?
- You know why I wrote it.
- Why?
- Just leave me alone.
- Why, Jonah?
- 'Cause I don't wanna
be the bum slut bitch.
- Right, you're not a bum slut bitch.
- Ooh, oh!
- I'm so sorry.
I got carried away.
I am a total bitch.
- Mm, you didn't
have to punch me in the face.
God, it's ugly enough as it is.
- I know, I know,
my bad, my bad.
- Look, I know
that you're a badass, okay?
But you don't have to be so aggressive.
- You're totally right,
Jonah, and I am going to start
toning the aggressiveness down.
Here we go, aggressiveness toning down.
Aggressiveness toned down.
- She seems nice, though,
- Don't fucking
start with me, Jonah!
- Okay, okay, okay.
I'm just saying I think
she'd make a good Tasha.
- Okay, she's a candidate.
Let's not get ahead of our horny selves.
Oh, please do not jerk off.
I just cleaned this couch,
you sicko.
- Okay, wow.
I am not going to jerk off to her picture.
- Oh, are you sure about that?
'Cause I seem to recall a time
when you spanked--
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Paige.
We do not talk about that one time.
- You know I did.
He was spanked, licked, ticked,
and double dicked before I left him.
I'll have no problem
with this screenwriter.
- Ooh, ah, Dallas Larousse,
what are you doing here?
- We are meeting to
discuss Sex and Assassins.
- Ha, yeah, I think you might be early
for tomorrow night.
- Ross called me and
scheduled me for tonight.
I'm assuming he told you
that I rescheduled my
complete evening for you.
- No, he didn't, he's such a, I'm sorry.
Um, please, come on in ,
I don't mean to be rude.
- Thank you.
- Holy shit, what is
Dallas Larousse doing here?
- Uh--
- Okay, you know what?
Don't worry about it,
we can make this work.
- Dallas, I'm sorry.
Um, I need a minute.
- Yes, of course.
I'll make myself comfortable.
- Thanks.
You know, a call would've been nice.
- Bro, it's nine.
Make it a quick meeting, it's early.
I figured keep the momentum going.
She's beautiful, huh?
I heard she sleeps with
anyone to get the roles.
No boyfriend, so don't
worry about any baggage.
- Nice, no baggage!
- Would you stop trying to get
me to bang these actresses?
- Everyone's
gotta do his damage, bro.
Lay the pipe, don't fuck this up.
No, you won't fuck this up.
No, you're gonna be just fine.
- Look, just keep me in the loop
next time you schedule a meeting.
I felt like an asshole
when I opened the door.
- You're always an asshole.
- Bro, I got you.
Beat the pussy up, beat the
pussy up, beat the pussy up.
- Okay, I'll make it a
quick and easy meeting.
- Yeah, quick and easy.
- Get her thoughts on
the script, the role,
a little personal talk, find
out what makes her tick.
- Yeah, you never know,
she could be your Tasha.
- Maybe, we'll see.
I don't wanna to say anything definitely.
Megan is definitely in the running.
- Okay, of course, but, uh, so is Dallas.
- We'll see.
- Yeah, we will see.
- You're acting weird again.
- I know you are.
Smile, let's go, asshole!
- Loved the script.
Oh, my fucking God, Jonah!
Can I call you Jonah?
- Uh, yeah.
- Jonah, I loved your script.
- Ha, well-written?
- Hell yeah, well-written,
very well-written.
Oh, my God, yes.
- I like her energy.
- So what inspired you to write this?
- Fuck comedy, that's the inspiration.
- Well, I just wanted
to write a script that--
- So fascinating, very fascinating.
I'm intrigued, tell me more.
- Uh, I will, I am, I,
well, anyway, I just wanted to redeem my--
- Redemption, I knew it, love it.
I feel that Tasha has this inner conflict
with her internal self,
internal conflict against herself, follow?
- Kind of.
- She uses her sexuality to free herself,
to open her inner chi.
I self-meditate all the time.
- Uh, self medicate?
- Self-meditate.
Tasha's such a badass.
I feel like you wrote a role about me.
Did you write a role
for me, Jonah, did you?
I have to play her.
I, I, honestly, I can't imagine
anyone else playing her but me.
I fucking love Tasha.
You've gotta give me the role.
- I, you, you definitely have
the passion for the part.
What is going on with her, is she high?
- What?
- It's like
we're not even having
an actual conversation.
- Oh, what are you yammering about?
Everything is totally normal.
She would be perfect as Tasha,
so amazing.
- No, you, no, no,
you are crazy, I mean,
yes, she looks the part, but I mean,
she's just not Tasha's type.
- Oh, okay, you know what?
Stay open-minded, Jonah.
Stop thinking about Megan.
Oh, do you love Megan?
- No, stop it.
Look, I think Dallas is hitting on me.
She, like, stares at me and
it's like she wants to eat me.
- I'm sorry, I just, I don't,
I don't see that at all,
and I don't think that's anything
you should be worrying about
right now, trust me.
- What's that
supposed to mean?
- Nothing, just,
you know, don't worry
about that right now.
It's, you're good.
- What?
Okay, seriously, it's not
like I'm Quasimodo, like, she
could find me attractive.
- Okay, you know what?
I'm just saying that
it's like 99.9% likely
that she is just not
interested in you that way.
Those are the odds.
- I love acting, you love writing?
- Uh, yeah, I do.
- Do you love writing as
much as I love acting?
- Uh, I don't know, maybe?
- Does writing make you
passionate and hungry?
- Sometimes, for, like, a hamburger, yeah.
- I'm not talking about food, Jonah.
- Uh, no, no, you're not.
- I think you need to understand
what I can bring to this project.
- It's not hamburgers, clearly.
- What'd I miss?
- Help.
- That good, huh?
- Okay, what just happened?
Did we just do a real life montage?
- Hell, yeah.
- Where she was
pitching me on casting her as Tasha
so that we could open
the movie at Christmas,
make a big pile of money
so that I could get
exotic cars and bikini girls
and a private helicopter?
- Yeah, that pretty much
sums up the montage, bro.
She playing Tasha?
- No, maybe, I don't know.
Wait a minute, we don't even
know if she's read the script.
She clearly doesn't know the plot.
- Oh, who cares, Jonah.
Bikini girls, endless
amounts, endless amounts.
- You're not listening to me at all.
You're just standing here dancing.
Oh, never mind.
Ah, endless amounts, endless amounts
Never gonna stop, endless amounts, mm
- If I'm a co-producer for this project,
I can bring in some major
special effects players
and stuntmen that love working with me.
- Oh, I bet.
I can be your
stunt double!
- Look, I don't have any
say about co-producers.
That's up to the studio.
- Oh, the studio will let me co-produce.
Don't worry about that.
- Have you produced anything before?
- No, but I get what I want.
I'm a go-getter.
When I want something,
I go out and I get it!
- Wow, she can do it!
- Okay, um, can we go back
to talking about Tasha now?
I would like to hear your thoughts on--
- Oh, I think I could be a great producer
for this project, Jonah.
- Okay, uh, look, I thought
we were talking about Tasha.
- Okay, I'm getting to that.
So I'm thinking for a director,
we need somebody that's up and coming.
Uh, I'm really open to
new visionary directors
in the vein of Bay and Ratner, love Bay.
- Both talented directors, Jonah.
- No, no, I mean, yes, they are.
They're both very talented
directors, but look,
I don't have any say over who
produces or directs this film.
I thought you came over
to talk about Tasha,
which you haven't done yet.
- I am Tasha.
Tasha was written for me.
- She definitely has confidence.
- Jonah, I feel connected to this script.
Tasha is a symbol of a strong woman.
She represents power, strength, and sex.
I can do those sex
scenes with raw emotion.
- You're hired.
- You're just thinking
with my dick.
- I am your dick.
- I come from a family of actors.
My dad was a stuntman.
People don't think
that's acting, but it is.
- It so is.
- He was great at what he did.
I think he broke every
single bone in his body,
and concussions, 20, no, 22 concussions.
- Damn, that's a lot of concussions.
- It explains a lot.
- My mom was a dancer.
She loved dancing.
She did so many music videos and musicals.
Oh, and her paychecks?
Wow, always in $1 bills.
I love watching her count them on the bed.
I wanna make my family proud.
They thought fame and
success would overwhelm me,
but it hasn't.
- Oh, Jesus, what are you
drinking, diesel fuel?
- It's tequila, ya pussy.
- Oh, I cannot take much more of her.
How long has she been here?
- Uh, she's been here 15 minutes.
- Are you shitting me?
- I shit you not, sir.
- Oh, she is coming on strong.
I think she's trying to bag me.
- Are you kidding me?
She's like a 30.
You're like a seven on a good day.
- No, no, no, she totally wants my cock.
- Oh, so gross, just--
- Oh, oh!
That's disgusting, oh, Jesus.
Ugh, all right, you finish.
All right, I'm just gonna ask
her to go, tell her I'm sick.
- Oh, real mature, Jonah.
You haven't even asked
her any real questions
about the script, just about
her mom being a stripper.
- Wait, look,
I didn't bring that up, she did!
- Well, you showed a lot of interest
and professionalism with Megan.
What do you have against Dallas?
It's so not cool.
- I, I'm just trying to, to,
to get her out of the house
before she molests me.
I'm trying to play my cards right here.
- Okay, well, I'm about
to smack those cards
right outta your hand.
I am so disappointed in you.
Why do you hate Dallas so much?
- I don't!
- Why do you hate her?
- I don't hate her, okay?
I just, I don't want things
to get out of control.
In case you haven't noticed,
she is damn attractive,
and it's been a while since
I've been with a woman
and I just, I don't
wanna have sex with her.
- Oh, she probably left, you big jerk.
- No, she's just in the bathroom,
and you know I'm right.
You can cut the sexual
tension in here with a spoon.
- Oh, she is probably
in the bathroom crying
because you brought up her family drama.
It's kinda personal, Jonah, not cool.
- She brought it up, okay?
She brought it up.
You're being pretty dramatic right now.
I'm being pretty dramatic right now?
- Yeah, you are.
- Okay, you're right.
There is conflict between us,
which means that we are both right.
- Yes!
- All right?
She has issues, I understand that.
- Yes, family issues, just like you.
- Well, not just like
me, but I at least see
that there's like a connection there.
- Right, yes, you see?
You're being a dick.
- Jonah!
- The last time you had
sex, you had your shirt on,
but it doesn't really matter
because she's not interested.
Nice room.
- I'm a complete douchebag.
- Uh, you weren't just
crying in the bathroom?
- No, why?
- Eeh, no reason, look,
uh, wow, Dallas, you,
yeah, shouldn't be here in my room.
- Is this where the magic happens?
- What?
- Is this your family?
- Uh, yes, that's my family.
- Oh, sorry.
- No
big deal, just a picture.
- Let's dance.
You love to dance, I love to dance.
- So does her mom, the stripper.
- No, no, I really don't
feel like dancing--
- Oh, oh--
- And you should not
be here in--
- Please?
Oh, come on, Jonah, dance!
- Do you need a minute, you good?
- Awesome dancing, Jonah, loved it.
- Thanks, it's been a while.
- I was thinking, why don't we make Tasha
a part-time stripper?
That way I can use my dancing skills.
Sounds like a good idea, huh?
- Whoa, wait, a stripper?
- It sounds like a good idea.
- What, no, no, that's not a good idea.
I don't think she's--
- Yes, it's a great idea.
I've got a lot more notes, Jonah.
We can do a complete rewrite.
- Everyone's got notes, Jonah!
- Okay, whoa, no, no,
Dallas, look, you're drunk.
Can I get you some water?
Maybe some water would be good.
- Oh.
- Water for you?
- I am still in complete shock.
- I, no, you--
- Come on.
- Wait.
- Jonah, you know
you want to.
- No, I really--
- I want to.
- No, I, whoa, hey, ooh!
Okay, really, no, probably,
I mean, maybe just a--
- Jonah!
- What?
- Dallas?
- Megan,
what are you doing back here?
This is not
what it looks like--
- I'm sorry,
didn't mean to drop, none of my business.
- Shit.
- Oh, no.
- Wait, Megan, wait a sec,
please, let me explain.
- I thought you were
cutting the night short
because you had to sleep
or do some writing.
My stupidity, I thought ,
look, it's none of my business,
but you had to leave me for
Miss Tits and Ass over there?
- No, no, no, no, that's not, no, not,
look, my agent sent her over.
I didn't know she was coming here tonight.
I don't want her here.
- But she is here and
she's in your bedroom!
I didn't even get to see your bedroom.
- She wanted to see
where the magic happens.
That's not what it sounds,
it's not what I mean.
I mean, it is, but, wait,
did you wanna see my bedroom?
- What, no, I just, look,
it's none of my business.
I came back to get my earring.
I took it off in the montage.
- Look, okay, this is just
too much drama for me.
I didn't do anything wrong.
I wasn't gonna do anything.
I, I was 96% not going to do anything.
It is like random circumstance
that you just happened
to walk into my house
and see something totally explainable.
I am a victim of circumstance.
I've always wanted to say that.
- I tried calling you.
I knocked on the door, you didn't answer.
I heard the music, the door was unlocked.
I just came in!
- So you admit to breaking and entering.
See, you don't see me accusing
you of attempted murder.
- Look, it's really none
of my business what you do.
- I care about what you think, okay?
I wasn't going to do anything.
I wasn't gonna sleep with her.
- You sure about that?
- Yes, I'm totally sure,
like 94% sure.
- You were 96% sure
a few seconds ago.
- Wait, I'm gonna kick her out.
Please just stay.
Can I call you tomorrow?
- I don't know, this
is way too much for me.
- Look, I want you, okay, for this role.
I really, really want you for this role,
and I was gonna call you and
I was gonna tell you that
before Tits and Ass showed up
uninvited, totally uninvited.
I will kick her out.
Please just stay--
- Whoa, kick who out?
- Go away.
- What?
- No, Dallas is going--
- Oh, my God.
- To go away, I promise.
- Goodbye, Megan, nice seeing you again!
Maybe next time, bye bye!
- Go fuck yourself, Dallas.
- Wait, you two know each other?
Wait , fuck.
Well, that shit just happened.
- Hemmies?
- No, the Megan-Dallas drama.
And a little hemmies.
- It's stress.
You know, if you sit on a
bag of ice, it really helps.
They also make these little
pads you can stick in your butt.
- Should I just call Ross and
have him sort this all out?
I mean, it's his fault.
Such a dick, inviting
Dallas over here tonight.
- Just relax, your hemmies
are just gonna get bigger.
- You're right,
but can we stop talking about my hemmies?
- Sure.
- And where were you when I
was trying to talk to Megan?
I could've used a little
help there, Paige.
- Uh, I was watching Dallas
to make sure she didn't steal anything.
She's kind of a handful.
- Steal anything?
What, like my writing supplies
and my 10-year-old laptop?
- She was dancing naked, okay?
Just like her mama taught her.
- Oh, boy, okay, Dallas, you know I--
- We can audition now.
Why not, I'm ready!
- Ready, you're almost naked, you--
- Oh, let--
- She's good, I'm good.
- Let me audition.
Page 65, great scene.
- 65,
that's just a sex scene.
- I'll nail it.
Let's get started.
- No, no, no, no!
- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
- No.
- Yes, yes.
- No.
- Yes.
I won't tell if you won't.
One for the books,
Jonah, one for the books!
- Look, Dallas, you really need to leave.
You can't, we can't--
- Drink?
- No, no more drink.
No, what are you doing with my
shirt, no, please, no shirt,
no drink, no, no more.
- Oh, oh, oh, oh, please.
- No.
- Just, just, just, just,
just one more drink.
Then I'll leave, I promise.
- One for the books.
- Fine, one more drink,
but then you gotta go.
- Timber!
I guess I'm gonna have to take care
of the business again, you pussy.
- Come on.
- Alarm.
- Bitch better have my money.
- Shit, what the hell happened last night?
Dallas, did we, oh.
Dallas, wake up, Dallas--
- Would you keep it down?
Some of us are trying to sleep here.
- Okay, Paige, what the fuck
are you doing in my bed?
Would you please get up!
That's helpful, thank you.
Dallas, Dallas, please wake up,
please, Jesus.
- Ah, yes, baby.
Come back to bed.
Mm, and I'll use it
again on you, mm, yeah.
It won't hurt, I promise.
- What, what the fuck does that mean?
Jesus, Dallas, please just wake up.
Oh, please please please tell me
I did not have sex with
that nut job last night.
- I know, right?
I wish I could remember, too.
Those images would be priceless.
- Can't you use a fucking door?
- Oh, well, someone's in a
grumpy mood this morning.
You should be feeling great.
- Great, what, are you kidding me?
I have no idea what happened last night!
If I had sex with her,
I am totally fucked.
- Okay--
- What if I
didn't use a condom?
- Relax.
You are freaking out for no reason.
- Oh, maybe I should just call Ross.
He could take care of it.
- I think I saw a used condom in the bed.
- Really?
- Yeah.
No, wait, that was gum.
- Oh, oh--
- Never mind.
- She sleeps with gum in her mouth?
- Yeah.
- Gross!
- I didn't think
you had it in you, Jonah.
Holy fuck-balls, bro.
This guy, pounding down
the taxes and dollars.
- That's gross, man.
I'm glad you find this is funny.
I have no recollection
what happened last night.
I didn't want this to happen.
- Fine, don't tell me the details,
you son of a bitch.
What is this, gentlemen
don't fuckin' tell?
Was she clean shaven down there?
I bet $100 she is.
She is, isn't she?
- Ross, will you shut up?
You are not helping me at all.
What am I supposed to do?
- What do you do?
Enjoy it, bro, fuckin' enjoy it.
You got an actress on board.
The studio's gonna green light this movie
and we are going to get paid, bro, paid!
One detail at least, how's that ass?
- Ross, you are a bag of dicks.
- I know.
You want Dallas on board, sound good?
- No, that doesn't sound good.
I, I don't want Dallas.
I never said that, no.
- You didn't have to say anything.
It's who you bang, bro.
Did you bang Megan?
- No, I mean, I think I could've.
I think I had a chance to sleep with her.
- In his dreams.
- You did or didn't bang Megan?
- I didn't!
- Okay, we're good.
You would've fucked this up
if you man-whored it
up and slept with both.
Sleeping with both
actresses is a nightmare.
No one wins.
- Look, just
don't call the studio yet, okay?
I'm gonna talk to Dallas,
I'm gonna figure this out.
I did not sleep with her.
- We gotta make
this deal happen, bro.
I need to know, call me
back as soon as you can.
- What are we doing out here, Jonah?
- I just need to figure some things out.
Why can't I remember anything
that happened after Megan left?
- Well, let's just go ask Dallas.
- No, not us, me.
I gotta do this one myself.
- Bullshit.
- No, you're too much of a distraction.
I can't focus with you in there.
I need to do this like an adult.
- Okay, ha, very funny,
Jonah, good morning laugh.
Let's just march in there
and ask Dallas what happened.
Not that hard.
- Sorry, Paige.
I need you to stay put.
I got no choice on this one.
- But the, what the fuck?
- Dallas, Dallas, wake up, please.
- Mm sleep, brought breakfast?
- What, look, Dallas, did we,
sex last night?
I don't remember anything.
Dallas, Dallas, please wake up.
- Bacon and eggs, mm.
Not scrambled, just cook over easy,
no egg yolk.
Just, just make 'em scrambled.
- Dallas, did we do drugs last night?
Did we smoke pot or snort a gang of coke?
Like, I don't remember
anything from last night
and I'm kinda freaking
out about it, Dallas!
- Nope, no drugs, only with my mom.
Mm, she's a dancer.
- Yes, I.
- Mm-hmm, I was dancing.
You like to dance?
- Oh, for fuck's sake.
Dallas, please wake up!
- She had a good night.
Listen here, you little prick.
I have your back all these years
and then you go and do that to me?
- Look, you're distracting, okay?
I need to focus, I need
to figure some shit out.
- Uh, yeah, you need to figure
out a lot of shit, Jonah.
I mean, what, what are we doing here?
What's going on right now?
- What, are you trying to say something?
If you wanna say something,
just come out and say it, Paige.
- You wrote a comedy script
that everyone thought
sucked a bag of dicks
except for you and me,
and then you bounced back
and you wrote a well-written action script
with just a little bit more
sex and violence than usual.
A studio loves it and wants
to make it into a movie.
It's every screenwriter's
dream to sell a spec script,
and you get to get it produced
with a talented lead actress.
Whether it's Megan or Miss
Tits and Ass in there,
who cares, really?
But for some reason,
you are just not happy!
I get the whole pregnancy
and sex diseases scare right now.
I totally get it.
I mean, that would totally suck
if you got crabs or herpes.
I mean, that shit never really goes away.
Or God, worse yet if you
had a little Jonah coming.
I mean, that would be life changing.
I get it.
But like I was saying before,
you're just not happy.
- It's just, it's a lot to take in, okay?
There's a lot of weird emotions,
and, and I just need to, I
just need to process this.
Like, everything is gonna
be different for me.
- I know.
You know, maybe you're right.
Maybe I am a distraction, and if I am,
well, that is the last
thing I'm supposed to be.
- I don't mean like a
distraction in my life.
I just meant like this morning
with that thing, I just--
You know, there are things
I don't like talking about,
like, you know, it's just,
this is just different.
It's not how I thought it was gonna be.
- No shit, man.
I never saw any of this coming.
It just, it feels like sometimes
you don't wanna succeed for yourself.
But the day that you sat down
to write Sex and Assassins,
that's the day you succeeded.
Well, we succeeded.
Come on, you're no bum slut bitch.
Give me some fist.
- Mm, mm, no scrambled eggs, sexy?
- No, no scrambled eggs, no role,
and no co-producer.
- Excuse me, we made a deal.
I'm playing Tasha.
Sex and Assassins is a
Dallas Larousse vehicle.
- We did not make a deal.
- We fucked on it.
- Okay, I didn't fuck on it,
or at least I'm 52% sure
I didn't fuck on it.
- I'll take those odds.
- Okay, well, I'll talk
to my agent and your agent
and we'll figure things out.
- Go
ahead, it's fine with me.
- Okay, when this is all squared away,
I'm taking 50% partnership from spec sale
to gross final profits.
- I'm
sorry, what was that?
- Look, Dallas, we need to talk.
- What's there to talk about?
The role's mine, I'm playing Tasha.
This is fucking awesome for you, Jonah.
Don't you see that?
- I mean, she has a point, maybe--
- No, I don't see that.
- Jonah, what's wrong?
I mean, you've got the
money, you've got the cars,
you got the new house, you got the pussy,
so what am I missing here?
- No, see, I, I don't want any of that.
Ow, I mean, I will,
but just not right now.
- I'm taking a shower.
This is so exciting!
I'm back, bitches.
- I'm, uh, just gonna see
if she needs any help,
you know, lathering or rinsing.
- Great, thanks.
- Toweling off.
- Shit.
I have no idea who this
woman thinks she is.
- Oh, she's a bitch.
- Thank you.
I need you to call Dallas's
people and tell 'em
that we have no interest
in her for this project.
- Hell, yeah!
- Jonah, Jonah, Jonah, calm down.
I need you to listen to me, bro.
We are making this deal.
I put up with your shit for a while now.
Dallas wants this role so
bad she's fighting for it.
- Fighting for it?
She's asking for 50%,
that's not fighting for it!
- 50% is better than nothing, okay?
Let's take the deal, bro.
- Whose side are you on here, Ross?
I thought you were gonna help me.
Look, call them, say no deal,
and then call Megan's people.
- I don't trust this guy.
Something's not right.
- Come on, Jonah,
let's just make this deal.
Cash out, then we can move past this
and get onto the next project.
- I don't trust this guy.
I mean, it's your decision, right?
Why isn't he backing you up?
- Oh, maybe I should just take the deal.
- Yeah, maybe you should
also rip your balls off.
- Ouch.
- Well, maybe you should.
Look, I know I was
agreeing with Ross before.
I was just riding the high
and the feeling of victory,
but , if you're not
feeling this script anymore...
- So what are we saying?
- Sex and Assassins
already proved its glory,
so what else do you have up your sleeve?
- Boom shaka-laka.
- Okay, you're right, we
should not say that anymore.
It sounds really stupid.
- Oh, shit, did I just kill it?
- Yeah.
- Sorry.
- Jonah, baby, we making this deal,
get Sex and Assassins going?
- Look, Ross ,
I appreciate everything that you've done.
You, you, you've helped me so much.
I, I just, I want you
to know I am grateful
and this would not be
happening without you.
- That's, that's
great, bro, that's great.
I need an answer.
Don't fuck this up, yes or no?
- Ross, what did you think
of Sex and Assassins?
- What?
- The script, Sex and Assassins.
Did you like it?
- It's the best
work you've written, okay?
It nabbed a studio.
- You're fired, Ross.
- Wonderful, what, you little shit!
- Eat a dick, Ross, eat a bag of dicks.
- You talk to Ross?
Then the deal's been made.
- I talked to him, he's
working on some things.
- I can't believe I backed you up.
God, you're beautiful, though.
- Well, I'm glad this worked out.
I want this role.
I told you before, Jonah,
when I want something,
I'm gonna get it.
- Even sleep with me to
get it, it's impressive.
- It's no big deal.
- So I fired Ross.
- No, you didn't.
- I did.
- He did.
- I don't believe you.
You're not that stupid.
- Look, Dallas, it's not like
I hold anything personal against you.
- Hmm, last night you did.
- Uh, it's just that you're not
the right actress for this role.
- Oh, Jonah, Jonah, Jonah,
this is out of your hands now.
This film is mine now.
It's gonna be fun having you work for me.
- Mm, with you, not for you, bitch.
- Yeah, I'm not taking the deal, see?
It's off the table, it's over.
- There's no way you would turn
down a studio deal this big.
This is the best thing
to start your career.
- Yeah, I thought it
was, too, but you know?
I feel good about this decision.
- You son of a bitch.
I need this role.
This is not what Ross and I talked about.
- Really.
- That sneaky asshole.
I knew it.
- You sure I can't change your mind?
- Tempting.
No, I can't.
- Oh.
Oh, this isn't over.
Hm, you'll be hearing from my lawyers.
- Well, enjoy last night with
me as a consolation prize.
- Ha, nice, with us, actually.
- We didn't fuck on it.
I drugged you, idiot.
- I am 25% depressed by that news.
You're right, 49%, shit.
- I'm 102%.
All right.
Don't edit, just write.
Don't think about your
writing, just write.
Don't listen to what
I'm saying, just write.
Write like the wind.
Write like you're a man who
has good writing skills.
Just write, and write stuff that's good.
Write stuff that doesn't
make me wanna cry.
Writes stuff that makes me wish
I was living with somebody else.
Write stuff that's, write stuff that's,
just write stuff, okay, just write stuff.
Stuff, you know what I'm talking
about, Jonah, write stuff.
- S-T.
- U-F-F.
- Write good stuff.
- Yeah.
- Congratulations, Jonah.
- Thank you, Paige.
You look great, by the way.
- Thank you.
The dress looks good, right?
I mean, I feel good.
I don't know, I kinda like
the feminine and flirty look.
- I hope they like it.
- You hope she likes it.
- You like it, that's a start.
- No, technically that's just
one person liking a script,
and the writer liking his
own work is kinda pathetic.
- Thanks for pointing that out.
- You betcha, rock star.
- So thank you for coming back over.
I appreciate the chance to
sorta make things right.
- My manager did tell me you
were no longer with Ross.
- Yes, no, gone, that guy was a douchebag.
- Yeah , so romantic comedy.
- A well-written romantic action comedy.
- Oh, you think so.
- You tell me.
Um, I did write it with you in mind,
but if you're not interested, it's okay.
We have other actresses
that we can see for it.
- Oh, uh, like, uh, Miss Tits and Ass.
- Okay, that's not really,
can we not do that?
- You, you don't wanna call her?
Wanna call her, get her
over here after I leave?
- Yeah, that's so not right.
- You, no, yeah.
- No, and really not consistent
with the character that I wrote for you.
Okay, maybe you're right.
I can lose some of these jokes,
even though they are hilarious.
- Maybe you should just stick
with action and sex scripts.
- You know, I am an expert in both.
No, ask the studios.
It's true.
- Okay, page 52.
Uh, bum slut bitch jokes,
getting old, cut it.
- Easy, Dallas, we'll see
what we can do.
- Okay, let's move past this
before I pull out a knife
bigger than your dick.
- Yeah, that's not gonna
be a very big knife.
- What'd I miss, knives and dicks?
- Son of a bitch.
- Dammit, Paige.
- Meow.