Sex Guaranteed (2017) Movie Script

[country music playing]
[man] Let's go.
[woman] Oh, you're jumping?
That's a good jump.
Get the ball, sweetie.
Get it. Get the ball!
You wanna play with your brother?
Yeah, babe. See,
come play with Kevin.
Wait, uh, don't you
hit your brother.
Come on, Kev.
[saw whirring]
[Kevin] Picture this.
A warehouse, about 20000 square
feet. Windows along the side.
Looks like an ordinary warehouse.
Until you get closer.
And all you see are heads.
What kinda heads you talking about?
Heads. Happy heads. Smiling heads.
Heads drifting in and out of the windows.
- [Gary] A projection of heads?
- [Cesar] Like a jumbo tron?
[Kevin] No, real heads.
Heads defying gravity.
There are heads everywhere.
Everyone's having fun.
Good genuine fun.
Trampoline world.
The first of its kind in
the state of Louisiana.
[Steve] Hey, Kev. You feel
like working today, huh?
See, you take the hammer
and you take the nail,
you just swing the hammer.
And then when all the
nails are in, we get paid.
And then we get to go home.
Kev, I want to ask you a question.
You think grown ass adults
from Louisiana are gonna come
to a building full of
trampolines and jump around?
Well, gymnastics and trampoline are amongst
the fastest growing sports in America.
Well, so is obesity.
No offense, brother,
but... you need to get laid.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. He still hasn't
done any fucking since the incident?
[dull thud]
[Kevin groans in pain]
Why did you have to go
bring up the incident?
I didn't bring up the incident.
All right, that's fucking...
Let's get off my goddamn roof.
[Gary] We just got here.
[man] Where do you wanna go eat?
[Gary] I think I'm gonna go to a titty bar.
Are you gonna work at all today, Kev?
Just give me a minute.
You know, you gotta
forget about Angie, man.
Maybe the boys are right. Maybe
you gotta get back out there.
And get laid.
Why don't you fuck a nurse?
I know this nurse, she works at Tulane.
- Give her a call.
- No, I don't want to fuck the nurse.
Nurses like to fuck.
I'm not interested. Can we
talk about something else?
Listen, it's time for you
to get back in the game.
I am in the game.
I'm just not having sex.
[guitar music playing]
I'm having sex, guaranteed
My pedestal I
just won't need
[foreman] You're really starting
to fucking worry me, pal.
[chuckling] There's no
curse. You're not cursed.
Yo, Kevin, got like a medusa dick.
You can't look directly into the
eye or it'll turn you into stone.
[men chuckle]
[man] You can't let one girl ruin
your whole goddamn life, Kevin.
[Kevin] Oh, shit.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Fuck. God. God, you're
so fucking stupid, Kevin.
That apron suits you. You should keep it.
Oh. And please, take whatever you
like from the Le Creuset stuff.
In fact...
[Kevin] Stupid Kevin.
You're doing okay there, Senor?
Oh, hey.
Yeah, I'm good.
They don't mind if we take the sodas?
- No, it's cool.
- Oh, that's nice.
No problem.
Guys giving you a hard time up there?
Who? Oh!
What do you think her name is?
I was gonna go with Muriel or... or Sasha
You think Sasha's married?
Uh... yeah.
[stammers] Maybe, yeah. I don't know.
One thing I can tell you about catering...
some of these girls
really know how to party.
You just got a smile.
- No. I don't think so.
- You did.
- I saw her, man.
- No.
So, is this guy an asshole?
What guy?
Uh, the guy, whose house this is.
What makes you say that?
Well, he's got a chair
in the shape of a hand.
You don't like the chair.
The only one who has enough
money to buy joke furniture is...
probably an asshole.
It wasn't meant to be funny.
Oh, shit. I'm sorry. No, you...
you have a really great house.
What's your name?
- Kevin.
- What do you say, Kev?
Call me Hank.
You should come to my party tonight.
There's gonna be a lot of women here
and... a lot of these ladies are...
they'd be high on narcotics.
Oh. No, I'm good.
Are you? Are you good?
You're okay.
- [mutters] Shit.
- Hey!
Party starts at eight. Hope to see you.
Oh, and... if you want
the hand chair, it's yours.
[dance music playing]
Oh, I don't know...
- I mean, I feel sad for him.
- What does he do?
- Huh?
- What is he doing up there?
He's a roofer. He's roofing
up on the house, you know?
And he wasn't, he was a nice guy.
I mean, I didn't get to talk to him, but...
He shouldn't be giving people roofies, man.
[Steve] Show me that cork trick again.
[Gary] He showed you like 30 times.
[Kevin] It takes brains, bro.
Whatever. At least I don't
think my fucking dick is cursed.
What did I say? I don't
wanna talk about it.
Why? Just tell us, come on.
He sounds like an idiot
when he talks about it.
No, because every time I even think
about sex, something bad happens.
And you bring up Angie today,
and I nearly take off my thumb
with a fucking claw hammer.
- Let me see, let me see that.
- My dick is cursed, end of story.
Listen, you had a string
of bad luck, right?
Your dick's not fucking cursed, okay?
I don't know. Maybe if I
just stopped fucking around...
you know, make me...
maybe she'll take me back.
Okay. Let's just get back to
the curse of the wretched dick.
So, you think it's possessed,
or is it surrounded by,
like, paranormal activity?
[everyone laughs]
[Hank] Such a good looking kid.
He swears off sex.
Man, that's a crime against nature.
Are you still talking
about the fucking roofer?
Hey, he just seems so sad, you know?
You know what a fucking coke loop is, man?
You're like a hamster in a wormhole.
I can't, I just, I can't
hear it anymore, Hank.
[Carl chuckles] I'm
going insane. [sniffles]
[sharp slap] [Carl groans]
I've just had a revelation of magnitude.
Oh, Carl, this is big. Can you see how big?
It's pretty fucking big.
I'm gonna get this kid laid.
This is... This is fate!
I have to get this kid laid.
[exclaiming excitedly]
You're damn straight, you do.
I can see it so clearly.
[gasps] You're gonna fucking go down
as one of the greats. I'm telling you.
Okay. Has anyone seen my phone?
[Carl] Fuck, are you kidding me?
- If you told everyone to leave their phone here...
- [shouts] Where's my phone?
[Hank] Oh, I gotta find him!
[Carl chuckles] You're kidding, right?
It's too much responsibility. I
can't deal with that. [sniffles]
[Kevin] Steve! Steve, we're late.
[Steve] Kevin, relax! I'm coming.
Nice outfit. [chuckles]
- Haven't seen that since first light Communion.
- Better than shorts.
- Why?
- It's a business meeting.
It's Ted! He knows us.
I don't want him going around
telling Angie we're some kind of joke.
Oh, Jesus Christ, Kev!
[engine revs]
You gotta stop stressing out
about this Angie thing, you know?
I mean, it's been over a year.
It's been nine months.
Close enough.
[Kevin] Okay, so... Trampoline world.
We'll have six four-by-four
rebounders over there,
and two six-by-six on that
base in the back there.
Kids jumping everywhere.
3D dodgeball.
Isn't all dodgeball 3D?
Um, 4D dodgeball.
Do people really wanna go trampolining?
Ah, trampolining is one of the
fastest growing sports in America.
Funny, I guess I missed the
Trampoline Superbowl last year.
Sorry, that's in poor taste.
Look, boys, I loved your daddy, all right?
But he really never was
very good at math either.
Look, what I'm trying to say
is y'all's numbers don't add up.
You see, what happens to Trampoline world
if you don't make your nut
for the first two months, hmm?
You shut her down?
- Well, no, we just...
- No? So...
how do you make payroll?
How about you just come in for ten?
Ten thousand?
I could do that.
What happens to my ten if you
don't sell the other shares?
Got anything, Steve?
No. I lose it.
Just what I thought.
I just don't get it.
Sorry, I'm out.
- Why didn't you jump in?
- Honestly...
I don't get the plan myself.
[Steve] You should go on
a vacation or something.
Costa Rica, Palm Beach would be nice.
I mean, maybe right now is not the
right time for Trampoline world.
I mean, it might be the right
idea, just not the right time.
Well, it has to be.
I already put down the deposit.
A deposit? With what?
To knock down the house.
Kevin, you gotta be fucking kidding me.
Did you even read this thing?
It's a lien.
It's a fucking six month term.
- Dude, you'll lose your fucking home.
- Not...
if Trampoline world succeeds.
Trampolines. Are you kidding me?
[Gary] Seriously though,
the female fruit bat,
she licks the male's cock
while they're having sex.
How is that even possible?
She bends. The female
fruit bat is very bendy.
Well, but, isn't the tip
already up inside her?
She doesn't lick the head, jackass.
She licks the shaft, makes him fuck longer.
Well, wouldn't that make it shorter?
Apparently not for a fruit bat.
- Hello?
- Hey, it's me. It's Hank.
- Oh. Hey, Hank.
- You missed my party, man.
Yeah, uh, sorry about
that. Something uh, came up.
I wanna do something [muffled]
- I can't understand.
- I'm talking sex guaranteed, man.
- What's "text guaranteed?"
- Not text, sex.
Oh, sex.
I'm here with this amazing
creature. She's called Zade.
She's amazing.
Now, Zade... wants to have sex with you.
What, is she desperate?
No, she's not desperate,
okay? This is her job.
Oh, no, I'm not having
sex with a hooker.
She's not a prostitute, okay?
[chuckles] She's... She's like a...
an expert. Um...
Let's say... a sexpert.
[Carl blubbers]
[Hank] She's just got a lot of
sex-pertise, you know what I mean?
Oh, uh, that's nice of you, man.
But, that's not really my thing.
Oh, come on, man. Relax!
This is real intimacy.
And frankly, it sounds like you need it.
Uh, I don't understand what you mean.
Think of her like a chef. Like, you know,
a chef, that comes to somebody's house,
cooks up a meal, but just for you.
And this chef makes a
thousand dollars an hour.
- A thousand dollars?
- Just... listen to me.
This is fate calling, Kevin.
Drop the hammer, get off the roof,
and get your fucking ass to my party.
[click] [phone line beeps]
Yo, Kev, what the hell
is "sex guaranteed," man?
That guy Hank just called me and invited
me over to have sex with a hooker.
- Can you believe that?
- A prostitute?
He's out of his mind. I'm
not having sex with a hooker.
Hookers don't count.
- Everyone counts.
- Not hookers.
It's not the same another
girl. They're a subset.
So, what was the thousand dollars about?
I guess that's how much she costs.
[Gary] A day?
I think an hour.
Oh, you gotta do it.
That'd be like fucking a professor of sex.
She's gonna know more shit than
you've ever even thought of.
It's gonna be like, like
caving with like a miner.
Nah, nah, he's right. This
could be good for you, Kevin.
Just confront your fears.
This could break the curse.
Well, I'm not doing it. It's
just stupid, I'm going...
Oh, you're doing it.
Man, and, dude might throw you some cash
for you know, your
bouncing heads and what not.
Yeah, I mean I guess I could stop by, and
then I wouldn't have to have the sex, right?
I didn't say that shit.
"I guess" No, no, no.
Do the fucking math, Kev.
It's a rich guy getting [shouts]
fucked up in a goddamn mansion.
This is your investor.
Come on, we're going right now.
I wanna go to the party.
- That's a weird motherfucker.
- That is fucked up.
Did we just not get invited to the party?
- I guess not.
- That's some bullshit.
[dance music playing]
These are the rules of Egg fight.
Open hand strikes only.
There will be no fists allowed.
Should the egg crack on your mouth,
spit it out, stupid!
Because you are the vanquished man.
[people cheering]
All right. Commence!
[people laughing] [man groans]
You have offended me.
[Kevin] I think I'm gonna start with the
fastest growing stuff first and then move
into our big vision for the place.
Maybe you wanna play along a little bit
before, you know, you start asking for money.
Look, if I grab the whole
investment block here today,
I mean, I can take Angie to the
place, I could show her the lease...
Forget about Angie. This is about money.
If this guy wants to get you
laid, then let him get you laid.
You gotta do whatever this guy wants,
so that he will give you the money.
It's a logical investment.
I know it is.
Just go in there and have sex.
I'm not having sex, Steve.
Go on, get the fuck out of here.
Be a man.
[man] Give me a min.
Hi. Um...
I was invited by the owner of the house.
[water trickling]
Ah, Jesus. Sorry. Um...
I'm taking a shit, bro.
Oh, um, sorry.
[people cheering]
[cheering continues]
[party music gets louder]
[woman] Go, go, go, go. [cheering]
That's how you do it! That's how you do it!
Get it!
You looking at me crazy?
I'll fuck you up, mister.
What do you say, Kevin? You made it, buddy.
I thought you might not show. Drink?
Yeah, sure.
- Take a seat.
- [Zade] This is the guy?
Kevin, I'd like to introduce you to Zade.
Zade, this is Kevin.
Hi. I'm Zade.
- So, how's life, Kevin?
- Life's good.
There you go, Kev.
Try that.
You know that business
I was telling you about,
yeah, it's... trampolining.
[Carl] Mmm. Jumping.
You got a business model for
that? How do you monetize that?
Yeah. Um, trampolining is one of the
fastest growing sports in America.
They have them in schools
now. It's huge in Asia.
And how high do people get?
Well, three footers average, but
professionals get a bit higher.
- They got all kinds of stuff.
- Like what?
Well, there's Sky Slam basketball.
Foam pits, synchronized trampolining.
- There's synchronized trampolining.
- [Hank] That's crazy.
Yeah, you just get two
trampolines side by side,
with some athletes on
one and the other and...
That's what you got there on the
metal section at the Olympics.
Yeah, now we're in the rhythm, see?
[Carl hums]
- This is... this is great.
- [Carl chuckles]
[Carl] It feels pretty good.
- [Hank] Yes!
- With weekend traffic,
we expect 500, and with
an entry fee of $12.20,
it's gonna be a real earner.
How many of these trampolines
have you got over at your place?
And how many people can actually
synchronize at any one time?
Oh, we're thinking of starting
with, you know, 30... 30 trampolines.
[Hank] Ooh. Huh.
I could actually take
you guys there right now.
- Wait, wait, wait. No, let's do...
- What?
Let's do... on the count of three
and then we'll do like, a starjump.
- Okay.
- Okay. [chuckles]
[both counting] One, two, three.
[shouting] [groaning]
- Yeah.
- [Hank] Sorry.
Let me tell you something,
that is a terrible investment.
Kids... they're unreliable, fickle.
- Think about the liability. What would happen to you?
- Carl, please. Come on, man.
He's speaking about his dream, his passion.
His passion.
I want you to two to get to know each
other, have a little alone time, okay?
Citizens, everybody! We're
all moving to the tennis court
- right now.
- [Carl] Tennis!
- Whoa, we'll come with you.
- [Hank] No, no, no, no.
Zade here, she's going to
make everything all right.
Yeah, but...
I want this to happen.
[Mumbles] Wait a minute,
how come she can't come with?
Carl! Tennis court, man, come on!
[Kevin] Okay. Um...
- [Zade] Hi again.
- Hi.
You guys head to the game room,
grab the rackets, I'll
meet you on the court.
[Carl] We got it. Hey, where are you going?
Putting on my whites.
Do you wanna watch me touch myself?
I'd fucking love to cum.
I get really wet really quick.
Um, that is cool.
- [Kevin clears his throat]
- Um, what do you like?
I'll do anything.
Want me to be someone, hmm?
Who do you want me to be?
It's not that. You don't understand, okay?
None of this was your fault.
I was broken and useless
before you left me.
It's like I don't even know how...
regular people breathe anymore.
And I, I love you and I wanna, I wanna
thank you for being so patient with me
for so long.
- [Carl in a German accent] Ya!
- [lady in a German accent] Ya!
- Ya!
- Ya!
[Carl] There will be a lot of porking now.
I will be shtupping you, oh ya!
- [Carl] Ya!
- Well, I've learned now...
that I'm not good enough for you, Karen.
Never was.
[sniffles softly]
Not even good enough
for this world anymore.
But for once...
for once I'm gonna do the right thing.
Au revoir, cherie.
Au revoir.
[exhales] I like that.
I like that a lot.
Feel how wet I get.
Yup. But, um...
[speaking French]
Look, you're so hot, okay?
It's not you, it's me.
What do you want?
You wanna get weird?
No, I don't wanna get weird.
I want to fuck you.
- Okay.
- I'm getting paid to fuck you.
If I don't fuck you, I look bad,
and this is a new gig for me,
so how about you just let me fuck you
and we both go about our business.
Look, obviously, I want
to, okay? You're beautiful.
But, I'm on a hiatus right now.
There's this other girl, okay?
Well, it's her hiatus, really.
But I just... I'm not
having sex right now, okay?
I'm, I'm happy to lie for you.
- I'm a good salesman.
- Oh, fuck you.
He won't fuck me, sorry Hank.
I will fuck her.
[Kevin] I actually don't.
It'll make you feel better, Kevin, please.
I'm not gonna beg him. We were having
fun before this asswipe showed up.
I'm sorry, I'll go.
You're not going! How's about that?
Kevin here wants to win his lady back
and thinks that celibacy is the way to go.
Not always the way, you know?
Absolutely not! If you
really want her back,
the first thing you should do is fuck me.
She makes a compelling argument, Kev.
Why don't we just go somewhere
quiet so we can at least talk?
Look, if I told you the reason I
don't wanna do it, you'd understand.
No one's judging here. It's a house rule.
This is a no-judgment zone, okay?
It's personal. It's...
I've got this problem...
with my dick.
- Is it a wart?
- No, it's not that kinda thing. It's...
It's like my dick is cursed.
There's no such thing as a cursed dick.
Really? 'Cause I've fucked things up
in my life and all because of my dick.
And I've decided to just kinda
leave it alone for a while.
You're leaving your dick alone?
Yes. Look, I get it, all
right? I'm a freak, but...
Don't call yourself a freak.
You can share anything with us.
The first time I jerked off, right?
I'm in bed sick, home from school, and...
I'm watching TV and the shuttle
Columbia breaks apart on re-entry.
You think you made the
space shuttle explode.
Kevin, that was an accident.
You can't take that personally.
First girl I had sex with almost died.
- [Zade laughs]
- Zade, please.
I'm serious. We were 16. And we'd
been dating for about a month.
Well, their parents were out
of town so we had a little wine.
Well, we started making out,
and I finally get this condom on
and I'm going in and out
and we're making noises and she starts
to scream, so I think I'm doing awesome.
- [Hanks mutters affirmatively]
- But then...
she ruptured a cyst or something.
And she has to have surgery.
And for the next three
days, we're in the hospital.
She had them before she met you.
You're missing the point.
Nine months ago, I was engaged to
the most wonderful girl in the world.
We were at our joint bachelor
and bachelorette party.
[dance music playing]
[girl moaning]
Wait a minute, that's not you being cursed.
That's you getting caught
getting a blowjob off a stripper.
Yeah, because I'm a horny asshole
and I just should have said no.
Anyways, I tried to explain myself.
Angie, wait.
Angie, she tied my hands! Angie!
She moved out the next day.
Because of my dick, I lost the
one thing I truly cared about.
I mean, that's the saddest
story I've ever heard.
His dick isn't cursed. He just
got caught cheating. End of story.
No, no. That's way too many
things to happen to one guy.
He lost his one true love.
There's nothing worse in the whole world.
He's just a narcissist.
How am I a narcissist?
You think the world
revolves around your dick.
I don't want it to, it just does.
No. Shit happens. It's just life.
Didn't you hear his story?
This man is cursed.
[chuckles] This is fucking
ridiculous. None of this is connected.
Let's just have sex.
Nothing bad is gonna happen.
Are you serious, right now?
After everything I just told you
you still wanna have sex with me?
Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
And we don't have to have sex,
I can just [whispers]
touch it a little bit,
Just do it, Kev. Give it a try.
[Zade] See, isn't that nice?
[footsteps approaching]
[man yelps] [door opens]
- Guys, Carl's in trouble. We need help. Come on.
- Oh, shit!
[Carl groaning in pain]
Fucking... [muffled]
[Carl crying]
It won't go down.
Yeah. Too many little blue pills, baby.
[Carl groaning] Oh, shit!
Oh, there's something wrong here.
- I'm in pain!
- Carl.
Be honest with me how many did you take?
A 130 milligrams.
God, man.
You're not a rhinoceros.
Get some ice, Kevin. Now!
[Carl groans]
[Kevin] Oh my god.
Breathe, breathe.
- I got ice.
- All right.
The hell is this?
- [Carl] No! No!
- [Hank] Hold on.
[Carl screaming]
- Okay. Okay.
- All right, Carl. Listen, you got this.
You can do this, I know you can, all right?
It's like an itch. You just have
to disassociate yourself from it.
Fucking itch!
Trust him, Carl.
Okay, look. I haven't had sex in nine
months, okay? I know what I'm doing.
Just listen to me, right.
What I want you to do is
imagine you're Anne Frank.
[Carl gasping]
Remember the little
Jewish girl in the attic?
She had to lie real quietly
otherwise they were gonna shoot her.
- I remember fucking Anne Frank!
- Okay.
All right. Just close your
eyes, you're in the attic.
You can hear the sound of
the boots on the cobblestone.
Don't make a sound, okay? Don't even move.
Otherwise the Nazis are gonna get you.
I don't give a fuck about the fucking
Nazis! My cock is going to explode.
Please take me to the hospital.
Carl, what you've got is
called Priapism. No hospitals.
I know a better place.
Zade, straight ahead.
[Zade] Whatever you say, boss.
[phone ringing]
Do you ever notice how... people are
only really real when they're sick,
- or they're dying.
- Or orgasming.
Bad things always come from sex.
Oh, shut up.
It's true. Without sex there
wouldn't be fighting, divorce, wars.
What the fuck are you talking about?
Without sex, there is
also no release, no fun.
[Carl coughs and groans]
Okay. Bad things come
from recreational sex.
What's recreational sex to you?
Careless sex. Sex that
nobody put any thought into.
Oh my God, you are a freak.
- [Zade] What's in this?
- IV therapy. They had my recipe on file.
- [Zade] Fuck yeah.
- I'm serious.
I'm not gonna let this
guy's life be ruined.
How are you gonna do that?
That's nice, Hank, but
there's nothing you can do.
I need to just...
make my business a success and
hope that Angie sees I've changed.
Yes. That's it. You got it!
You're gonna go to Angie's,
you're gonna tell her that your
trampoline thingy's got off the ground
- and you're a new man. You're a genius!
- Yeah, but...
- But that's not true.
- It is true.
You let me fix this,
and I'll invest in trampoline world.
I'll give you the money.
You're, you're gonna give me the money?
I'll give you the startup funds, yes.
How much can it cost? 250, 300 grand?
I need 60,000 dollars.
You only need 60 grand to
start a business in America?
What a fucking great country
this is, huh? [chuckles]
All right, I'm gonna get you the money.
We're gonna go talk to
her, tell her all about it,
we're gonna clean this whole mess up today.
We can't go see her today. I mean, I need
to make sure the business is up and running,
- and then...
- No.
No. We're doing it
today. We're doing it now.
I'm not letting your
one true love get away.
We are going to her house right now.
I'm not letting you make
the same mistakes I've made.
I'm gonna get this done if
it's the last thing I do.
Why are you being so nice to me, Hank?
Love is the most important
thing in the world, man.
It's what everything is about.
Without love, you got nothing. Zero.
I'm not letting you disappear, Kev.
Come on.
- [Zade] Really?
- Hello darling.
Can I borrow a pen, please?
This is my only pen. I
need it for my charts.
I'm good for it. I cross my heart.
Thank you.
Let's see that arm.
Uh, 60, right?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Let's make it 80. What's the date today?
[Kevin] The 31st.
[Hank] 31st.
- Hank?
- There we are.
I don't... I don't know what to say.
Just get the girl back.
Then we're all square.
I'll see you outside.
So, how did you get into this line of work?
My momma was a drug addict.
She introduced me to it.
My daddy skipped out on us when I was 12.
[giggles] I'm fucking with you.
I like sex.
I pretty much fuck everyone
I go on a date with anyway
so I thought I might
as well get paid for it.
- Isn't it dangerous?
- No.
- What if you don't wanna do it?
- I don't do it.
- Isn't it degrading? I mean...
- Here's the deal.
Sandy's gonna stay with Carl.
I've given her combat pay.
So she's gonna get him up and moving out.
I feel fantastic.
Okay. Pop the trunk, I'm gonna change.
Thank you, Zade.
[Hank] Always gotta be prepared.
Okay. So, let's focus.
Where do we find this Angie?
Well, I can't just show up at her work.
Why not? What does she do?
Well, she's a school teacher.
Of course, she is. I love teachers.
What does she teach? Reading? Math?
- She doesn't teach trampolining by any chance?
- No.
I mean, she does but
that's not all she does.
- I mean, she...
- I love this.
We're gonna go to the school.
She'll be getting off soon.
You're gonna tell her you're
sorry in front of the kids.
It'll be like in all those films.
Then the kids will tell her to kiss you.
It'll be great.
I don't think we should
go anywhere near her work.
Do you want the 80 grand or not?
- [sniffs]
- [Kevin] Oh, boy.
[Hank] You're gonna go in there, you're
gonna tell her you're a big success now,
and that you want her back.
And why is she gonna believe
that I'm some big success now?
Because you got my IOU.
- Yeah, written on my arm.
- [Zade] It sure is.
Okay. Then I'll take a photo.
I'll take a picture of your
arm and it'll act a legal note.
[Zade] Why don't you
just write him a check?
Yep, okay. What's your name, Kevin?
Uh, MacDonald.
M-A-C, MacDonald.
All right. We're gonna wait for you here.
This is a bad idea.
- I mean...
- First of all, it's not a bad idea.
Okay? And frankly,
personally, I'm insulted
with your negativity.
You've gotta show this woman
that you're invested in her, man.
You can't just send her a fucking email.
You gotta do something
dramatic, that's romantic.
Yeah, but...
it's just not normal.
Well, let me tell you
something, Kevin MacDonald.
All grand passions are abnormal.
That's what makes them grand.
Go get 'em, kid.
[Kevin] Here goes nothing.
Hey, should we go with him?
[school bell rings]
[indistinct chatter over PA]
Man, I hated school.
- Me too.
- I loved it.
Best time of my life.
Being a kid.
[announcer over PA system]
Is this whole trampolining
thing a ploy to get her back?
- You know she didn't leave you because of the blowjob.
- Shh, come on.
No, but she did.
No. No one ever leaves
someone because of sex.
What are you talking about? People leave
each other all the time because of affairs.
They don't. They leave because
they don't love each other enough.
And that's why the affair happens.
Well, I love Angie. Always have.
- Not enough. You wouldn't have gotten a blowjob if you did.
- [Hank clears his throat]
Here we go, game time.
Can I help you?
Uh, yeah. We're here to see Angie Cooper.
And who are you?
I'm just a friend, an old friend of hers.
And who are you two?
- We're new friends.
- [chuckles]
I remember the chairs being
bigger. Does everyone say that?
Miss Cooper isn't in today,
[clears throat] she's ill.
Oh, god. What's wrong with her?
Well, I can't divulge personal information.
I'd be happy to send her a message.
Great, yeah. If you could
just tell her that Kevin...
No, no, that's fine. Uh, I'll call her.
- Mmhmm.
- Thanks.
- Lovely school.
- Thank you.
I've got it made
I've got 'em bayin
We're gonna spread out.
She's sick, so she's vulnerable.
We need to put together a care
package that says "I love you,"
that says "I'm gonna
look after you forever."
I'll take aisles one and two, Kevin,
three and four, Zade, five and six.
How long have you known him?
Nine hours, give or take.
[Kevin] You think this is a good idea?
Wouldn't you think it was weird
if your ex showed up at your house
with a stranger and a pros...
[stammers] Another lady?
I'd probably find that weird.
But that's also why I like it.
You'd like it?
Why not? Shows imagination.
Maybe but Angie's not like you.
How is she different?
I don't know. She just doesn't
talk about sex all the time.
I get it. Holy shit.
You're a fucking prude.
- I'm not a prude.
- Then why do you squirm
at any mention of anything sexual?
Not prudish. I am not prudish. Not at all.
Then prove it.
What are three words that
when put together get nasty?
I'm not doing this.
Puny. Blood. Fuck.
- Would you stop?
- Aw, you can't think of any?
- Three words.
- I'm not playing, Zade.
You are not very mad at me, are you, Kev?
- Smelly poop truck.
- That's it!
Three more, disgust me.
You know, you're really smart,
and really pretty,
you don't have to be so aggressive.
Ever raise your voice, Kevvo?
Ever get mad and just let rip?
Anal, lick, prolapse.
Baggy, vag, mouse!
[thud] Oh!
I'm really sorry, I was just making a joke.
Well, what was the joke?
Excuse me?
I didn't hear it. What was the joke?
- Knock Knock.
- Who's there?
Isabel who?
Isabel necessary on that bicycle?
Shit, I'm sorry I even asked.
[Zade] I thought that was funny.
[Kevin] We totally fell apart back there.
- [Zade] I did not!
- [Kevin] No, you did.
Like a little girl.
And that isn't technically
a word by the way.
Well, you're not technically a businessman.
- Yes, I am.
- No, you're not.
Look at you, you look like
a guy who cleans a pool.
- Ew?
- She's right.
We gotta get you looking sharp.
Like Angie's idea of an entrepreneur.
Let's go shopping.
Come on.
I'm doing this for you, Kev, come on!
[Zade] Is it true what they say
about guys with medium-sized feet?
[Hank] Zade, pick out a pair if you want.
No, thanks. Not really my style.
Should I have gotten Carl a suit?
You know what, I haven't heard from Sandy.
All right, so when she opens the
door, what should I say again?
You're telling her that you've succeeded.
Okay? You're gonna show her the
check, and that you're sorry.
That's... that's too strange.
All right. Tell her that without her...
you're nothing but a shadow.
Tell her that...
your heart...
is like a mold hedgehog...
smashed up against the
blades of a lawnmower.
Zade, what do you think I should say?
Tell her you want to much her pussy.
- How's that fit?
- Oh...
It's a bit roomy.
Hey Zade, keep trying Sandy, will you?
Here, let me check this out.
[Zade giggles] Hank, you need a new phone.
Yeah, I'd go down half a size, Kev, I
mean, it all depends on the choice of sock.
[salesman] Yeah, I'll go down half a size.
I agree. Here.
What would you say? Seriously, Zade.
Maybe don't talk about yourself so much.
Tell her that she's your miracle,
that without her your life means nothing.
Tell her that she's more beautiful
than a full moon in Montana
or the poetry of Rumi,
or any other beautiful thing
that man or nature has yet made.
Tell her that she's a genius
of Einstein-ian proportions.
And that she's sexy,
and does sexy well.
And that you really,
really, really love her.
Wow. Say, that was
really... it was really good.
That's an handsome fit, sir.
Great, we'll take 'em.
[alarm beeping]
Let's run for it.
[salesman] Stop! Wait!
Come on, people! Come on!
We got this.
It wasn't the clerk's fault.
Those plastic tags are a nuisance.
But a straight razor gives
us a concealed weapon.
I have a collection. That's an antique.
That doesn't mean that you can carry it.
I sincerely apologize, Officers.
Look, you have to understand
where we're coming from.
You were running through a
place of business with a weapon.
It was all part of a romantic gesture.
My... my friend here lost his true love.
We're giving him a makeover.
He's gonna win her back.
Come on, guys.
I'm not against romantic gestures per se.
It's true. He's not.
Officer, it was a
misunderstanding, come on.
I'm moved by your argument.
So I'm gonna let you go with a warning.
But we're gonna keep the razor.
Thank you, Officers.
Give love, get love, sir.
Can I give you a hug?
Now that's unfortunate.
[siren blaring]
[Zade] I can't believe they
couldn't look the other way.
[Kevin] Drugs are drugs, they
couldn't have looked the other way.
[Zade] You're such a fucking prude.
[Kevin] Where are we going?
[Zade] I need shoes.
[Zade] Hang out in the car.
[Kevin] Where are we?
[Zade] Look, wait in the
car. I'll be back in a minute.
Is this your brothel?
No-one says brothel.
Jesus, Zade. What the hell are you doing?
[Kevin] You fucker.
Come on, Zade.
Jesus, they're all at it.
[whispers] What the fuck!
Fuck it.
[Kevin] Where are you, Zade?
May I help you?
No, no.
I'm here to see Zade.
- Zade?
- Yeah. Zade. Uh...
I think she works here.
Well, that's funny
'cause it's just my family as far as I know
and, well, some might call that work, I...
Sorry, um...
Must be the wrong address.
[Zade] Kev?
I told you to wait in the car.
I'll be down in a minute.
I think you should come in.
Okay. Lemon juice, sugar and water.
Tell me if it needs anything else.
And how exactly do you know Millie?
Uh, Millicent, my daughter.
Oh. Um...
We met through a mutual friend.
- Mutual friend.
- Uh, work friend, really.
[chuckles] Kevin, are you a rider, too?
Well, what is it exactly that you do?
I'm in construction.
Mmm. My daughter knows
people in construction?
Well, a mutual friend
through party and then,
and Millie was there.
Was Monique there?
Monique is a friend of
Millie's. Great tits.
She used to come over and do
backstrokes in our pool every afternoon.
What a lovely way to spend an hour.
Watching her tits go up and down the pool.
Up and down, and flopping down.
I'm actually getting out
of construction. Uh...
Gonna start my own business.
I'm gonna call it "Trampoline World."
It's gonna be this amusement
park in the warehouse district.
We're gonna have Sky Slam basketball,
uh, foam pits.
- We actually have a lot of...
- Kevin, there's nothing wrong with construction.
We should split.
If you'd like I could
send you some literature.
Trampolining is one of the
fastest growing sports in America.
It actually just got featured
in Delta's Sky magazine.
Our friend's been arrested, we should go.
- [Ted] Arrested, for what?
- Drugs.
[chuckles] Millie has
such colorful friends.
What's Monique doing these days?
Okay, let's go.
Thank you for the lemon stuff.
- [Zade] Shut up.
- [Kevin] I didn't say anything.
- You were thinking it.
- Nope.
[Zade] I'm not a liar, I just don't feel
the need to tell everyone everything.
[Kevin] Okay.
- [Zade] Don't judge me.
- [Kevin] I'm not.
[Kevin] You have a beautiful home.
It's really nice.
You really shouldn't
be doing this, you know?
I mean, any guy with half
a brain would call you back.
You could have, like a really great job.
I have a job.
Yeah, but it's... it's dirty.
It's not like you need the money.
Are you fucking kidding me?
- What?
- You are judging me, asshole!
The only reason you're going through
with any of this is because of that check.
Oh, and who is it that charges a thousand
dollars an hour for their company?
Yeah, well, at least I'm not
pretending to be something I'm not.
Pretending to be some kind of hooker
or something, it's rude to hookers.
People don't work at McDonalds
because they like it, it's a job!
- Your slumming in it is bullshit.
- Fuck you.
I'm going to get Hank,
I'm driving him home,
and then this whole fucking shit is over.
[duo singing] Nobody knows
[man 1 solo] The
trouble I've seen
- [man 2] Let's try that one more time.
- [man 1] Okay.
[man 2] No! Okay. One, two, three, four.
[duo singing] Nobody knows
The trouble I've seen
Fuck, we're good at this, man.
We should take this on the road.
- [man 1] You and me.
- [man 2] Enough of this shit.
Hey, isn't there something
we could do to expedite this?
And who might you be?
Um, I was hired by him.
No. Personal adviser.
Well, you need a lawyer to be
your personal adviser in here.
Why don't you take a seat, and then
the judge will see him in an hour or so?
Keep smiling.
[man on PA] No physical
body contact beyond initial
and supporting embrace
will be tolerated,
and will result in
termination of the visit.
[man on PA continues]
You like barbecue?
Might as well talk since we're stuck here.
My name's Sonny.
I'm Zade.
Hey man, why don't you just give her
a break, okay? She's had a tough day.
Zade, why not come sit here?
I'm fine, thank you.
She's fine, thank you.
So, I got this sauce called
"Smokin but not Broken"
Hey, don't, don't do
that. Don't touch her leg.
It's not okay to touch...
people you don't know.
[man on PA] Occasional
hand-holding is acceptable.
Whoa there, brother. I didn't
even know y'all were together.
We don't have to be together
to care about each other.
I'm waiting in the car.
It's not okay to touch
people you don't know?
So what kinda stuff do you write?
Short ones mostly.
I'm writing one now about this woman
who is having an affair with this guy,
and then she finds out that
she is only one of many.
It's called "The other 'other' woman."
I think you'd be a good writer.
- You do?
- Sure.
'Cause you take chances,
you say things other people won't.
You're different.
You should feel good about who you are.
[man] It's the death of romance.
We're living through the murder of romance.
- Get it?
- I get you. Yeah.
When you're in love, people do
things they normally wouldn't.
I was sitting there, imagining
the rest of our lives together.
We get a villa in Italy,
she makes the lunch, I till the land.
Our kids are running
through the sunflower field.
That's fucking beautiful.
[Kevin] There will be
trampolines everywhere.
People bouncing around, just
good clean American fun, you know?
You're a very strange
person, Kevin MacDonald.
There is gonna be a juice bar over there.
A juice bar is not sexy.
- It's not meant to be sexy.
- Well, then people aren't gonna come.
What are you calling it?
Trampoline World.
No, you're not calling it that.
All right, what would you call it?
- Call it "Tramps."
- I like it.
Get one of those big, fluorescent signs.
Maybe a bouncing stiletto,
slowly filling up with champagne.
- Nice.
- You know?
And light bulbs for bubbles.
You see, you are a good writer.
No, I'm not. I just...
write stuff that happens to me.
So, you're the "Other 'other' woman"?
Don't look at me with those sad
dog eyes, I knew what I was doing.
I bet it was real interesting.
How would you know?
Oh, right, because roofers don't read.
But if I did read, I'd rather
read about the rich girl who lies
than the prostitute.
And prostitutes are sad.
You're rude,
and angry,
and... really, really spoiled
but... you're not sad.
And you're narcissistic,
and indulgent,
but you're not stupid.
Thank you.
What is that?
A harmonica.
- Really?
- Mmm.
But it's so small.
- Does it play?
- Yeah, it does.
We should probably go hang.
Anybody got the time over there?
You working up there? [laughs]
[harmonica music playing]
What's a prolapse?
It's when either your anus
or your vagina are pushed
inside out of your body.
That's a good word.
[horn blaring]
I never had any kids. I
always wanted 'em though.
- How come?
- Ah, she wanted to wait.
How dumb am I, huh?
You know, I was never once
unfaithful to her. Not once.
Nah, I loved her wholly,
unabashedly from the first day I met her.
She was my everything.
Did she find someone else?
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
She said I was an emotional cripple.
That she couldn't remember what she
loved about me in the first place.
People make out like women are
the romantics but it's not true.
We're the knights, the
last of the noble breed.
I'm gonna die today.
Who's after you?
No one.
Well, you let me know... if somebody's
after you, because I got a guy for that.
[guard] [buzzing]
Well, looks like I'm sprung, kid.
Good luck to you.
Keep it in your pants.
Thank you, sir.
Mes ami, superb.
[Zade] Salut Monsieur.
The happy band are back together.
Was it terrible in jail?
Ah, it was okay. I met a nice kid.
Oh, yeah? What was he in for?
He masturbated on some girl in a bus.
[Kevin] Jesus.
Yeah, he got carried away.
I'd rather someone could
come on me than a booger.
- What?
- It's sterile. It's straight from the testes.
Booger is a waste.
I bet you think a blowjob is fine
but you wouldn't blow your
nose in a girl's mouth.
Enough! Let's go find this Annie.
Let's just go home, Hank. I
think we're done for the day...
No. No way. I'm not giving up now.
Hank, I... I really don't mind.
Well, I do mind. I just
wasted half my day in jail.
I'm finding Annie.
It's Angie.
It doesn't matter what her
name is. I'm finding her.
Maybe we could just take like small break.
No. Look, something's
gotta work here, okay?
I mean, love... it has to mean something.
I need to know
that in this world it's not
just pure, disappointing shit.
And I don't care what you two do,
but I'm going to Annie's.
I got a plan.
[Kevin] Just up here on the left.
Maybe we should just ring the doorbell.
You said she won't talk to you.
- So, what are we doing here?
- Waiting?
- For what?
- For someone to let us in.
Burglars don't have balloons.
I gotta piss. Hold on to these, will you?
This is a bad idea.
- Why?
- You don't even like her.
You're just caught up in the obsession.
You think you're in love but
it's just this stab of rejection.
Do you wanna be with her?
Really, with her?
I'm going in.
Why? What's so great about her?
You don't have anything to say?
Well, good luck with that.
[doorknob clicking]
See? Magic.
- [Hank] Well, hello there. How are you?
- [lady] Oh, is it my birthday?
It is, happy birthday, darling.
[Kevin] Hey, I don't
think I want the balloons.
Lose 'em. Come on.
Is that it?
- Well, go and knock then.
- I know.
You got this.
Be firm.
Be aggressive, Kev.
[Angie] Oh. [chuckles]
- What are you doing here?
- Okay, listen.
I've come to tell you that I think
that you're, you're like sunsets
- in Montana.
- Oh, god.
- You're like...
- Kevin...
- No, just hear me out, okay?
- Who is that?
I'm no one.
I'm proud of you.
You're like the poetry or Rumi,
and, and, you have
Einstein-ian proportions,
[stammers] and I like, I
like spending time with you.
- And I treasure you, and...
- [Steve] Hey, Angie. Uh...
Five letter word, starts
with an 'L' insect Steve...
Sounds like Steve.
Is that...
What are you doing here, Steve?
What are you doing here, Steve?
What are you doing here?
- What are you doing here, Steve?
- Well, she called me, and...
- She needs some help with her...
- Just tell him.
It just happened, Kev.
You're sleeping with her?
- This is just a misunderstanding...
- Yeah, he is.
We're in love.
- Oh, you're in love with her?
- No!
We made some bad decisions and...
Why didn't you tell me?
Listen, we didn't want to hurt you.
You said she wasn't good enough for me.
[Steve groans]
And you're right.
You're right. And you,
I didn't mean all that shit about Montana.
Okay? Someone told me to say that.
And, uh... I got a blowjob from that
stripper because I didn't love you enough.
[Kevin] Fuck!
[knocking at door] [doorknob clicks open]
- Give me the keys.
- Bro, I'm so sorry.
Listen, I'm gonna find you the money
for Trampoline World, all right?
- I think it's a fucking great...
- Just give me the fucking keys.
[Steve sighs]
You can never be a part
of Trampoline World.
Hello. Bet you didn't think
you'd hear from me today.
I'm sorry, I don't know what
to say. I just... I miss you.
And I want you to know
that you were right
about me being in a
wheelchair emotionally.
[voice cracking] I've
learned now that...
I wasn't good enough for you, Karen.
And I'm not even good enough
for this world anymore.
Don't go into the red room, okay?
I keep all my records in the bureau
so that you can have
everything that you want.
Take anything. Leave
what you don't want.
- Uh, Hank's phone?
- [Kevin] Hi, it's me.
I am a giant asshole.
All right? I made a
huge mistake, and I'd...
- like to take it all back.
- Is Hank with you?
I realize now that you are more
interesting than anything in Montana.
And that any movie or any poetry written...
Just shut up! Where's Hank?
- What?
- Something's wrong with Hank.
What's wrong with Hank?
You have to find him, Kevin.
He's gonna kill himself.
I found a video on his phone.
He's gonna do it. Now. Today.
What? That doesn't make any sense.
He was happy when we left. He...
He thinks Angie and
I got back together.
That's worse. That's what he wanted.
Go to the red room. He said
not to go into the red room.
Oh, my God, Hank!
Where is Hank?
Get the fuck off of me.
Carl, he might hurt himself,
okay? I need to know where he is.
He's taking a nap.
[shouting] Just like everybody else!
Just tell me where he is!
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Shut up!
What day is it?
Oh, no, no, no.
Oh, no, God. Oh, God. That can't be good.
Fuck, Carl! Where's Hank?
I told you, motherfucker!
He's taking a nap!
Are you out there?
I'm fine.
I wanted to get a little air is all.
I'm coming up.
It's a long way down, buddy.
Hank, I'm a fucking roofer.
Good point.
[Kevin] I just... wanna talk.
It's been a frantic last few days, Kevin.
I'm not gonna kill myself if
that's what you're thinking.
That's good.
I just...
wanted to hang out for a while.
You didn't invite me
to this party, remember?
How did it go with Angie?
She was having sex with my brother.
That's basically it.
[sighs] Jesus.
God, I am a waste of space, huh?
And this.
This pen, remember that? I
stole it from that nice nurse.
I mean, I am a fucking asshole.
That's not true.
It is true. I'm a dark hole.
I don't make anyone feel good.
Hank, you probably just need some sleep.
Why don't you just come back inside?
you're a good guy.
You are.
But we're not even really friends.
And how sad is that?
Look who was at my party, for example.
Got a bunch of guys I've barely met,
girls that I've paid for and Carl.
Carl, for Christ sakes.
I didn't want this.
I just wanted to go out quietly,
have something good happen before I left.
Something... Something good is happening.
What the fuck are you doing up there?
[Kevin] Zade!
You wanna have sex with me?
Get the fuck down from there!
I should let you know that I'm
not hung up on Angie anymore.
I think I might love... Millicent.
[Kevin] You're funny.
You're smart.
[Kevin] And beautiful.
You're really beautiful even
when you're being disgusting.
You're an idiot.
I know.
I'd still really like to
have sex with you though.
Not gonna happen.
Damn it, Zade.
Stop being such a fucking prude.
Just come back inside
so Zade and I can have sexual intercourse.
You're just saying that
to make me feel better.
If you don't come back inside and you jump
Zade and I definitely won't have sex.
How about it?
He jumps,
are you still gonna do me?
[Zade] Definitely not.
All right. Enough of this shit, huh?
I don't wanna drink anyways. Beer is flat.
- [Kevin] Wait, hold on!
- [Hank screaming]
- Hank!
- Hank!
Pull me up, you son of a bitch!
[drum beating]
Is he asleep?
I think so.
There's clean sheets
in the walk-in closet.
Swiss cotton.
Are you sure you want to do this?
Oh, okay.
You're clenching my feet.
We broke the curse.
So, can I call you?
Well, why would you need to call me?
So we can see each other again.
That will cost you.
How much is a day pass at Tramps again?
Nothing bad happened.
[doorbell ringing]
I think you should get that.
If it's a stripper don't let her in.
Holy fucking shit!
[chanting "Fuck"] Are you
okay? [continues cursing]
I'm okay. [groans] I'm okay.
- I'm okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
I'm okay.
I'm not cursed. I'm not
cursed. I'm not cursed.
[Kevin] Hello.
I pressed the bell.
That's right, you did
press the bell. [chuckles]
- How are you doing, buddy?
- Good.
Good. Kev,
always a pleasure. God bless.
- Ready to go to the aquarium?
- Yes, Dad.
Okay. Let's do it. Hi, honey.
How are ya?
Oh, that was a good party.
- That guy's married?
- Happily.
It's classic romance.
You look like the guy who cleans the pool.
Are you okay up on those heels?
[indistinct chatter in the background]
I hate lines.
Girls never have trouble at the door.
Maybe you can help me get in.
[upbeat instrumental music playing]
["Sex, guaranteed" playing]
I'm having sex, guaranteed
My better self I
just won't need
I'm gonna pack my bags
With jumbo rubbers
I'm meet a boy for
drinks And supper
I'm having sex, guaranteed
Let's take this
down Burbank Street
I'll play the hand
I don't give a
damn Because I'm
I'm having sex, guaranteed
I'm having sex, guaranteed
I love this stuff
I love my tea
We'll have the
stairs Erect in style
We'll greet the
girls In single file
I'm having sex, guaranteed
Don't mind my hands
I'm feeling free
Thrown in the van
I don't give a damn
Because I'm
I'm having sex, guaranteed
I'm having sex, guaranteed
My thinking cap
is On my knee
Blow whistle, blow
Oh, where did she go?
Because I'll I'm out
having sex, you'll see
My bail is set, so maybe
The county jail is crazy
Conjugal rights
could Save me
I never got your name but
As sure as you're my lady
I'm having sex, guaranteed
I'm having sex