Sextuplets (2019) Movie Script

- Yeah, yeah
- Uh-huh
I say, hey, I'll be gone today
But I'll be back all around the way
It seems like everywhere I go
The more I see, the less I know
- But I know
- I know
You know, this Lamaze class
got me concerned.
Is there really a chance that you're gonna
stop breathin' while givin' birth?
- What?
- Like everything is going great,
and I'm like, "One, two, three,"
and your face turns blue,
and you stop breathing,
I'm like, "Breathe! Breathe!"
Alan, it's about us being ready.
It's about us doing this together.
Well, you know, girl, doing this together
is what got us here in the first place.
Except your breathing was more like,
"Oh, Alan!
- Oh, it's amazing!"
- Alan.
- "Oh, Alan, it's so big!"
- Alan!
- "It's so big!"
- Stop it! You're being ridiculous!
Oh, I gotta get back to work.
It's the last day before maternity leave.
- I'm gonna miss work.
- Yeah, I wish I could say the same.
- Linda's on a warpath.
- Oh.
Apparently, Doug pitched a new
holiday e-card, and it didn't go so well.
Babe, who's gonna send an e-card
for someone graduating from rehab
for the second time?
Well, it was a lot better
than "Happy Hoe-loween".
You know, for women that wear
slutty costumes.
Or what about "White Kwanzaa,"
which makes absolutely no sense at all.
And don't forget to tell Linda
you're taking paternity leave.
I know. Listen, nothing's more important
to me than my family,
not even a partnership
at the company I've been
busting my ass for all these years.
You think maybe I should've
just slept my way to the top?
Okay, babe. I'll see you later.
Don't think Linda want it?
You see the way Linda looks at your boy!
- Not interested in that conversation.
- Don't be jealous.
- I love you.
- Love you, too.
Linda, I wanna apologize for the pitch.
You know, I've been delegating more
to the team, and I want...
Y-You know, 'cause the baby's due soon...
I know you got a lot on your plate, Alan.
I won't pretend to understand,
I never wanted babies. Ick!
You know, um...
I-I-I don't usually drink at work.
Oh, damn.
There was a time when you took charge.
You were aggressive. You dressed the part.
You were becoming
the face of this company, literally!
Now... everything's about...
"The baby. Ooh, me and my mom.
The baby is great."
Linda, that's what I wanted
to talk to you about.
I'm gonna be
taking some time off.
- What?
- Just a month or so.
It's like paternity leave.
Paternity leave?!
You're in line for a partnership.
Do you really think, Alan,
this is the right time to vacay?
It's not a vacay.
I just want to be there for my family.
And you know what?
That partnership, I earned it.
Now, I have a baby appointment,
and I promised Marie I'd be there.
Go to your little appointment
with your sonogram and your gel.
Everything looks great.
Right where you'd expect to be
at 35 weeks.
Thank you. Lights, please.
Now, because of your advanced
maternal age...
Uh, I'm only 35.
- And 35 is really 15 in Black-people age.
- Mm-hmm.
You know that black don't crack...
...unless you smoke it. Okay?
Sure, but 35 is still considered
an elevated risk pregnancy.
- Uh, no pre-eclampsia in your family?
- No.
- No food allergies? No history of cancer?
- No.
No, she has A-plus genes.
You know, her daddy's a federal judge.
She graduated top of her class
at Columbia Law,
and she's the first
female partner in her firm.
Hey, Doc...
I trapped her.
Uh, so...
- Uh, one more thing...
- Hmm?
Alan... we don't have your family history.
Oh, well, there's a perfectly good
explanation for that. I don't have one.
See, I was put up for adoption,
and I was raised in foster homes.
I moved around a lot.
I never really met my birth mother.
Hence, no family medical history.
he checked out great
after his last physical.
That's right.
You are lookin'
at one perfect human specimen.
Now, what more could you ask for?
Look at that!
Little baby gonna come out buff.
Why can't they just
put it in the chart,
"Don't know family medical history"?
She has to ask.
She's not judging you, baby.
So what if I don't know if my family
has high blood pressure or diabetes,
or the gene that gives you
the little webby thing between your toes
that makes it impossible
to wear flip-flops?
Listen, black people
don't even wear flip-flops.
You're right, baby, we don't.
Makes our heel hard and our baby toe ashy.
You know, and I've tried
every DNA website there is.
I mean, all I found out was
I may be related to Cleopatra...
and I'm 1/23 Irish.
Alan, my father
is a federal circuit judge.
I've told you this a million times.
He'd be happy to help you
find your family.
No. No, Marie.
That man don't like me.
He stopped liking you
after you started liking me.
I don't wanna owe that man anything.
Look, Alan.
If this is as important to you
as you say it is,
now is the perfect time to ask.
Who has a Sunday brunch
on a Saturday?
Not even white folks do that.
My mom insisted.
Aw, I love your mommy.
Only thing I don't like about your mommy
is your daddy.
- Oh, my little Pooh Bear!
- Oh!
Never surprise a pregnant lady.
Don't y'all know that?
- Yeah, my water almost broke.
- Marie.
The whole family is here for you.
Your sisters, every aunt, uncle, cousin!
- Cousins, cousins, cousins.
- Oh, Mom.
- This is like a Tyler Perry movie in here.
- Oh, stop it.
So, Doug, your date,
she seems really, um...
- outgoing.
- Oh, yeah.
- She's a Russian aerial dancer.
- Okay.
- You know, like with ribbons?
- Yeah, yeah.
That, or she's a spy.
Or maybe she's just a thief. I'm not sure.
But I'm keeping my sensitive documents
in a safe just in case.
Smart man.
- Doug.
- Marie.
Oh, thank you so much for coming!
Oh, such a great shower!
- And these mommy-mosas are on fleek.
- Right?
- We don't say that.
- Mm-mm.
Uh, off the chain.
- That's old.
- No.
- They're the bomb.
- Stop.
Uh, shit, she's stealing.
- What?
- Excuse me.
- Nyet, nyet, nyet.
- Da.
Dad's at the grill,
so now's the perfect chance
to talk to him.
- Hey.
- Hmm?
- Dad, I was...
- Ooh.
Sorry. Judge...
- Mm-hmm.
- Sir.
I got something I wanted
to talk to you about.
You know, I wasn't exactly in favor
of you marrying my daughter.
You kind of mentioned that
during the wedding,
when the preacher said,
"Speak now or forever hold your peace."
You... you didn't hold your peace.
Alan, I'm trying to make sure
that you understand that you're...
you're about to become
the father of my grandchild.
I know this. And that... that... Sir.
I leased a brand new SUV.
It's red, so everybody knows it's coming.
Got the little "Baby On Board" sticker
in the back,
and I'm almost finished with the nursery.
I got a few finishing touches
to put on, but...
Damn it.
That's not what I'm talking about.
I want to share something with you.
Family is everything.
You don't have a family.
Now, Marie brings generations of success
to the table.
What exactly are you bringing?
I can throw with both arms.
- You can throw with both arms?
- Mm-hmm.
Listen, sir.
I want to find my birth family.
But see, I need a court order
to unseal my adoption records.
- Well, just so I'm clear...
- Yes.
- So I'm clear...
- Mm-hmm.
You're asking me for a favor?
Not a favor. Like a...
"Favor" is a big word.
Like... adjust it. A "solid".
No, no. I wanna hear "favor."
"Solid" doesn't work here.
Can we not say "favor" so hard?
"Judge, could you do me a favor?"
Can you say something like that?
Can you do me a f...
Can you do me a favor?
There you go.
There you go.
That wasn't that hard, was it?
- It was.
- It was actually easier
than I thought it was going to be.
You... You know, you...
You're not much of a fighter,
are you, son?
- Hmm?
- No.
What is this?
Aw! How cute is this?
Alan, look.
You know, I've been trying to get
that information for years,
and your father got it
in less than an hour.
Open it.
Marie, now... Now, once I open this,
y-y-you know there's no going back.
Open the damn thing!
Um, Marie...
my whole life I always wondered
what my birth family was like.
Where'd they come from?
Were they poor? And...
And they worked hard,
and then they started
a successful dry cleaning company,
and then they got rich,
and they moved across town
to the East side,
and then they bought
a deluxe apartment...
That's The Jeffersons.
I know, but a boy could dream.
- Just open the dag-gone thing!
- Okay! Don't yell at me.
God! Just avoiding it.
Come on.
Baby, this is just stuff.
I can't... I can't make nothin' of this.
Okay, okay, all right.
Records of Transfer...
Oh, my gosh, Alan.
It's your birth certificate.
Oh, sh... Marie.
It's my birth certificate.
This is me!
Yep, all five pounds
and six ounces of you.
- Hey! That's a healthy baby!
- That's a good baby.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- A little slim.
- Little slim.
Oh. No father on record.
Oh! Alan, look.
Your birth mother's name is right here.
Lynette Spellman.
Wow! You know any Lynettes?
Uh, no.
I know a Lynette. My barber,
the one that cuts my hair?
- Uh-huh.
- She's a Lynette!
- Shut up.
- Yeah.
She faded it a little high, but I think
she was high when she faded it.
- She did good.
- Maybe my mom owns a salon!
Maybe she invented the weave.
And you're wearin' a weave right now,
and that's why I was attracted to you,
'cause you remind me
of the weave that my mama created!
Oh, my God,
maybe my mother's a millionaire!
Well, maybe you could ask her yourself.
Her address is right here.
- My...
- Look at this.
- I got a mommy.
- You got a mama, baby.
- I got a mama.
- Baby.
- I got a mama.
- Baby.
- You got a grand-mommy!
- You've got a grandma!
- But what if she doesn't wanna meet me?
- How can she not wanna meet you?
Now, listen, you better hurry up,
or you'll miss your chance.
'Cause in a couple of weeks,
you're gonna have to focus
on the family you have right here.
- Okay.
- Okay?
Thank you.
Don't worry. I'll be back.
Probably in a helicopter,
because, you know, my mama is ballin'!
Love you! A lot!
Bye, baby! And other baby!
I feel so caught up, in a bud
I float somehow in my bedroom
Perfectly at peace
So I move along a bit higher
I'll be up, up, and away
Up, up, and away
'Cause they're gonna judge me anyway
So, whatever
I'll be up, up, and away
Up, up, and away
'Cause in the end
They'll judge me anyway
So, whatever
I'll be up, up, and away
Up, up, and away
'Cause in the end
They'll judge me anyway
So, whatever
What do I call her?
I... I forgive you, Mom.
Yeah, I'm not even a little bitter
that you wasn't around
for the last 38 years, you frickin' bitch!
I'm sorry.
It's gonna be cool. It's gonna be good.
Just leave the mail
on the porch!
Oh, hey!
You're not our usual mailman.
No, I'm... I'm not with the Postal Service.
Sir, I am anxiously awaiting
an episode of Mork & Mindy.
So, you leave me no choice
to be somewhat rude
and say, "Please, go away!"
Who watches Mork & Mindy still?
Does Lynette Spellman live here?
No. And I'll say it in Spanish,
"El no."
Then, why is "L. Spellman" on the mailbox?
Very well.
But she's not here.
Really? Damn it.
What do you want?
My name is Alan,
and Lynette Spellman is my mother.
Lynette Spellman only has one son,
and his name is Russell.
Right. I have proof.
What in the quantum leap?
Give me that.
This can't be.
I'm her son!
This... This is a mistake!
Wait, you're her son?
I'm her son. That means we're brothers!
Wait. You're my brother, Russell!
No, no, no, no. No, no. Look, right there.
You see that? See that?
See that misprint? See that date there,
that's my birthday.
- And, see...
- Yeah, but that's my birthday.
Yeah, but that would only make sense
if, in fact,
you and I were...
We're twins.
We're twins!
Come here, bro!
This is awkward.
I've never had a man hug me before.
If you don't release me, I'm gonna be
forced to use my warning whistle
Mother gave me.
Okay, I warned you.
All right, shh, shh! Hey!
Stranger danger! Stranger danger!
Can we... Can we go inside?
Don't touch anything
with your measly hands.
Everything here is very valuable.
These are antiques,
especially the TV Guide,
so it's gonna be worth billions one day.
Well, here's some more news.
- You're about to be an uncle.
- Phooey.
- Uncle Russell.
- That's a terrible name.
- Has a little ring to it.
- Sounds like a cheesy morning disc jockey.
This is the family home, huh?
Yeah. Jealous?
I still can't believe
that I'm standing here
with my very own twin.
Me neither.
I mean, look at us.
We look exactly alike.
Yeah, we... We look almost...
exactly... nothing alike.
No, we look exactly, exactly alike.
It's like I'm looking at myself
in the mirror.
It's uncanny!
Same face, same hairline.
Well, I'm a lot more handsome.
That's why I got the beauty marks
and you don't.
So, Russell, I...
take it you still live here.
That's a rather obvious
Why else would I have
my very own cereal bowl
with my name written on it?
- See?
- Yeah.
It's so good. I love cereal.
Well, that's something me and you
have in common.
I like cereal, too.
I'm more of a Wheat Chex guy myself.
Wheat Chex?
I'm sorry, Alan.
I like my cereals to be edible.
Preferably with the fruit-forward
of the Captain's Crunchberries.
So, when do I see her?
- Who?
- Mom.
I-I mean, Lynette.
When does she get back?
Uh... that's... that's rather hard to say.
Oh, I got so much stuff to ask her.
I mean, so many things I wanna tell her,
like I'm married,
she's gonna be a grandma.
Uh, she's dead!
You said what?
Yeah, you know...
I regret to inform you...
Lynette Spellman has passed on.
Car accident.
I told her she should check her brakes.
So she got up under
that 1986 Honda Civic SE.
It was blue.
Periwinkle, to be exact.
She was just that type of gal,
real hands-on
and cheap as the day is long.
Obviously, I couldn't do it for her.
Because of your size?
Because I know nothing about fancy,
expensive, foreign cars like Hondas.
So... So, she was crushed?
I'm afraid so.
Oh, wow.
Oh, this is just so devastating. Just...
Uh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on.
- Oh, I'm... I'm sorry.
- That's my seat.
Sorry, Alan. I've spent a lot of time
making this leather conform
to only my buttocks.
Can't believe I finally find her
and now it's too late.
Maybe you should just go home and mourn.
Now, excuse me. My television show is on.
Thank you.
Do you have any pictures?
I hate havin' a brother already!
Don't touch my cereal.
I lived my entire life with that woman,
and although buck-toothed,
she was a saint.
And what about Dad?
Deserted her the instant she got pregnant.
But she carried on.
Seems like an amazing woman.
Sour ball?
She never said anything
about why she gave me up?
Never mentioned you.
Not a word.
Not a peep.
Oh, so sour.
Ow! Ow!
Did you just bite into a sour ball?
No wonder why Mother chose me.
Okay, fine. Can you just please
get me a paper towel
for my busted tooth?
You know, Mom loves sour balls.
She said Dad had sour balls
and that was her attraction to him.
Hey, Alan!
Whatever you do,
don't go snoopin' through Mom's drawers.
She's got all kind of weird massagers
and stuff in there.
Family medical records!
What the hell is this?
Again, not to push you,
but to nudge you really hard,
Mork is about to talk to Orson and...
What's that?
Did you know about this?
She had six babies at the same time!
- There was more of you?
- Russell, there's more of us!
Wait. So, if triplets is three, then...
we're sextuplets!
Holy fudge!
Aw, baby, I'm really sorry
about your birth mom.
It's okay, baby.
At least I still got Dawn, Ethan,
Jaspar, Russell, and Baby Pete.
And, yes, Baby Pete is his legal name.
That's more ghetto
than your Uncle Lil Stank-Stank.
Yeah, so far, I found
a place of business on Ethan,
and nothing on Jaspar.
That man's a ghost.
What about Dawn?
I got a number. I called it.
- So, what happened?
- Some dude picked up.
Gave me a weird address in Alabama.
Said I should bring cigarettes.
Well, be careful.
You don't know these people.
Maybe one of them
changed their name to Idris Elba.
You know, we do have
strikingly similar bone structure.
But Idris has all of his teeth.
Maybe I'll get a gold cap.
No, no, no, no. Alan. Please!
You can't meet your family like that.
Girl, that's why I got this.
Boom. Super glue.
Oh, my God, Alan.
Don't use that. Go see a dentist.
- Baby... I'm gonna call you back.
- Alan...
Oh. Hey, Alan.
How'd you get in my room?
I just told the hotel manager
we were brothers.
Of course he believed me,
'cause we're twinsies.
What are you even doing here?
Well, good news.
I decided to join you on this excursion
to find our siblings.
Oh! Uh...
Well, I wasn't really expectin'
any company. Sorry.
Alan, my mother just died.
This trip may be the only thing
to help me recover
from the greatest tragedy
of my young life.
I brought cereal.
Let's do it.
Tomorrow, we head out on a road trip.
Give us some time to really,
you know, bro down.
Bro down?
Did you just try
to turn a noun into a verb?
Yeah, I... I guess.
That's grammatically incorrect.
Goodnight, Alan. Wanna cuddle?
Hey, man, you're naked!
The hell?
Of course. I sleep in the nude.
I'm very comfortable with my body.
The buck is beautiful.
Besides, it really helps
with night sweats.
You don't want me to have night sweats.
I'll have this mattress floatin' around
like an old raft after a hurricane.
Usually there's a dog on top.
It's all wet and dirty.
Boy, if you don't put
some damn clothes on...
Fine. Obviously, somebody's insecure
about their manhood.
You're lucky I brought my PJs, Alan.
Oh, wow!
Russell, did you know Alabama
has nearly 600 miles of coastline?
I bet you Dawn has a big house
on the beach.
This may not be obvious, Alan, but...
this is my first sleepover.
Come on. I guess we could share the bed,
now that you got some drawers on.
- Come on.
- Ooh-wee!
Yeah, I got my Underoos. Come on!
- Let's go, Alan!
- Hey! Hey, what are you doing?
We never got to do this as kids. Come on!
Fine, but just for a little while.
Then we gotta go to bed.
Come on! I betcha I jump higher than you!
I bet I can jump higher than you, Alan!
- Look at this. I'm runnin' in the air. Mm.
- Hey!
This is kind of fun!
- I told...
- Oh!
Huh? Uh-oh.
Thank God, Mom's dead.
We surely would've got a spanking
for that one.
Now, I know your big behind...
Pillow fight!
Oh! Oh, you want a pillow fight? Okay!
All right! Yeah!
- Okay.
- That was a low blow!
You want a pillow fight?
Okay, that was good.
Oh! You got some power on you,
huh, big boy?
Take that!
Take that!
- You're a nice, big target.
- Show me what you got!
Now, that's how you pillow fight!
Now, that wasn't really nice of you, Alan.
You know, maybe we shouldn't pillow fight.
It's still dangerous. It's fightin'!
You know what?
Sleepovers are a lot of fun.
I can't wait to see what happens
tomorrow night.
Yeah. Tomorrow.
- So long, Branford.
- Arrivederci, Branford.
And they thought I'd never leave.
Proved them wrong.
- Who?
- Oh, the naysayers.
- Oh.
- My teachers, my doctor,
the butcher, the baker,
the sixth grade crossing guard,
the sheriff, the deputy,
Mom's OB-GYN.
- Oh, goddamn.
- That's pretty much everybody.
Tell me something about yourself.
For what possible purpose?
What are you, the IRS?
How about this?
What's your earliest memory of Mom?
She forced me to eat
an avocado, the hussy.
- Okay.
- It was disgusting, as you might imagine.
Tastes like soft-boiled Silly Putty.
That's something we have in common.
I hate avocados, too.
You like TV shows?
How about we sing
our favorite TV show theme song?
Ooh, how about we don't?
Now the world don't move
To the beat of just one drum
What might be right for you
May not be right for some
A man is born
He's a man of means
Then along comes two
They got nothing but jeans
They got
Diff'rent Strokes
It takes
Diff'rent Strokes
It takes
Diff'rent Strokes to move the world
I was a big fan of Diff'rent Strokes.
Oh, I got one, I got one.
What? Come on,
that's the MASH theme song!
Makes me sleepy.
Al right. I just thought it'd be good
to play some theme songs.
Yeah, I got some good commercial jingles...
Heard they tryin' to steal the wave
Cut it out, cut it out
Spicy mamis on the way
Bust it down, bust it down
Saw my watch
She love the way I flood it out, ay
Talk to me nice
Show you what these Bentley 'bout
Pipe down
- Russell! Hey.
- Hmm?
I need you to drive. I'm gettin' tired.
Yeah, I don't think so.
- What? Why not?
- 'Cause...
I have no interest in assuming legal
responsibility for someone else's vehicle.
Also, I don't know how to drive.
You don't know how to drive?
Get outta here!
Truth be told,
I've always wanted to learn,
so I could one day
speed stylish down the road,
in a gold '76 Pontiac Firebird Esprit.
The same vehicle
owned by James Scott...
In The Rockford Files!
Man, that was my show!
Oh, I love The Rockford Files!
- Yo, that car was sick.
- The best.
You know, I own a copy of the original
operator's manual for the car.
I've read it a dozen times or something.
All right.
Well, Russell...
I'mma pull over right here, 'cause, uh...
I'm tired.
Gonna get some Z's.
Hmm, strange.
I don't see no hotel around here, Alan.
Because there isn't one, Russell.
I'm gonna give you
your first driving lesson.
How's that, huh?
You positive this is safe?
Yeah, it's safe.
Listen, we're family.
You got my back and I got yours, right?
I don't know, Alan.
You're not exactly
the family I wanted.
Yeah, well, I'm all the family you got.
You sound like the ending
of a cheesy sitcom.
Oh, my God. Do you ever stop talking?
- Sometimes.
- Go to bed.
- Um, if I had some warm milk or something.
- Start countin' cereal boxes.
That's a good idea.
One Lucky Charm.
Mmm. Two Cap'n Crunch...
Three Froot Loops.
Hey, Russell, what time is it?
What the hell?
What are you doing?
Why are you runnin' like Rerun
from What's Happening?
- We should go now.
- Where are we goin'?
What are you runnin' from?
I think I'm ready
for that driver's lesson now.
Oh, no!
My brand new Stan Smiths!
You should get in the car.
You said what?
Sounds like...
What? This is some bull...
How now, brown cow! Whoa!
Open the door! Open the door!
Russell! Open the door!
Pop the handle! Pop the handle!
I am bewildered
by this vehicle's technology.
Open the door, Russell!
Stop it!
Stop it!
You need to chill out.
Bro, if you don't pop the goddamn lock...
I don't see a key!
I got the key! I got the key!
Ah! I think your car is possessed!
Whoa! Oh!
What do we do now?
Press the brake!
Okay, brake. Pedal.
Pedal, pedal...
Okay, now what?
Put it in drive!
Put it in drive. Okay.
- Press the gas. Lightly.
- Okay. Lightly.
What did you do to piss off a bull?
I was just trying to get some milk
for my cereal and I pulled its teat!
Watch, watch!
Say you, say me
Say it for always
That's the way it should be
Say you, say me
Say it together
So, it was a good lesson.
You wanna do it again?
I think this is a different big house
than the one you imagined.
Are you certain
this is the correct address?
Three-thirteen, I copy.
- Turn around.
- You stealin' on me for no reason.
You gonna stop
stealin' on me like this.
Don't put your frickin' hands...
Don't put your hands on me, Deidra.
Don't put your hands on me.
You gonna stop
with this light-skinned privilege.
Just 'cause you got a badge and gun
don't make you no better than me.
Ooh, that's your mama? You better
put some money on my books.
I'mma whoop your daughter's ass.
- Dawn.
- Call that black bitch!
You gon' get your ass kicked.
Dawn, let these people enjoy their family.
So, anyway...
This better be good,
'cause you cuttin' into my yard time.
The guard over there say you my brother.
Is that for real, for real?
Well, yeah. I mean...
I got the birth certificate to prove it.
I'm Alan.
I don't know you.
Okay. Nice... Nice to meet you.
That's your other brother, Russell.
- Hi.
- Oh, hell to the no.
He must've came from the defected
testicles. That's not my brother.
Now, you and I,
we do look alike.
Like, I see the resemblance.
Like, this is uncanny.
I... I don't...
I don't see the resemblance at all.
This is like lookin' in the mirror.
But more like a funhouse mirror,
'cause, you know,
I'm voluptuous and beautiful...
and you scrawny.
But you buff.
So, you like a crackhead
that put down the crack pipe
and picked up a weight.
Oh, okay.
Mm, mm.
Come to Daddy.
Oh, come on.
Where're my smokes?
- I didn't... I didn't bring any smo...
- Oh, hell, no!
I know you did not
show up to a prison
without no damn smokes!
Oh, that's like goin'
to the Boom Boom Room
and not bringin' singles!
Ain't nobody gonna rub
on your little cling-clong for free.
My dude.
The guards did a full pat-down.
How the hell you get that in here?
Well, in the World War II prison comedy
Hogan's Heroes,
Colonel Hogan once duped
the buffoonish Sergeant Schultz
by hiding a monkey wrench
way deep in his anus...
Y-You know what?
Way up there by undigested food.
I-I get the point Thank you.
Be quiet! Damn!
Ooh, you lucky you didn't grow up with me.
I swear I would have beat your ass.
You smell that?
That's a high wipe. He stink.
So, uh... Dawn.
Boom Boom Room?
So... so, you're a stripper?
What the hell?
A stripper
and exotic dancer are different.
- So get your life right, boo.
- My bad.
An exotic dancer incorporate years
of hard dance trainin'
into her whole routine.
- Yeah.
- She take all her years
of what she learned
on the horizontal pole,
and she just bring it
to the vertical pole
and add a little bit of this to it,
and add a little bit of this.
- Please, don't... don't do that.
- You see this? Here, here, here.
Shift, shift, shift. Pla, pla.
Pli, relev, ass on face.
Pli, relev, ass on face.
Pli, relev, ass on face.
Sashay! Sashay!
Ass on face.
- Oh!
- See?
That's how it get down.
So, you go get your education right,
Uh, okay.
Uh... here's some good news.
You're gonna be an auntie.
Yes! My wife is pregnant,
and she's gonna be giving birth
- in a couple weeks.
- Are you serious?
That just warms my heart.
Is it yours?
- What? Yeah. Yeah, it's mine!
- Hmm.
Sound a little suspect to me.
These hoes be out here.
You know, this just make me think
about my babies, you know.
Oh, really? You... You have children?
And I think about them. There ain't
nothin' I wouldn't do for my kids.
I would commit murder!
Violent murder!
I'd shiv somebody so hard!
- So sweet of you.
- Murder!
You know, nothin' says "I love you"
like a...
little old-fashioned murder, right?
And you know what? You family.
So I would do the same for you.
And I feel the same way
about you.
Minus the murder.
You know, there is somethin'
that maybe you can...
- You know what? No.
- Dawn, stop.
You sure?
I just need a little help
with, like, a little bit of bail money.
Well, how...
How much help do you need?
Just crumbs.
Come here.
Ten thousand dollars.
Oh, goddamn!
Oh, you gonna help me?
Oh, my goodness!
- You so sweet!
- Contraband!
- Contraband? He got contraband!
- What? No, wait! I ain't got...
Hold up!
He's got contraband!
Hold up, hold up.
Get off me, yo!
Shame about that contraband, huh?
That wasn't me!
Ten grand?!
Alan, are you nuts?
You don't even know her!
She's my sister, you know? She's family.
Who was in jail for assault!
And Dawn says it was a mishappenstance.
I... I don't think that's a word.
It was just an aggressive lap dance.
Before I hit the road,
did you find out anything on Jaspar?
Oh! You know what? I actually did.
Let me see. Um...
He went to Oxford,
then MIT,
and then he went dark.
I left a couple messages
for a law school friend at the Pentagon.
I'll try the State Department next.
Girl, you doin' a whole lot better
than I did.
I got nothin' on Baby Pete,
and still no response from Ethan.
I gave him all my info.
Nothin'. Just crickets.
You know, this is harder
than I thought it was gonna be.
I know you're trying
to find your family, but...
I thought you'd be home by now.
I mean, what if the baby comes early?
I'll be there, okay?
Nothing will stop me
from being there. Nothing.
But just a reminder,
the breastfeeding class is tomorrow,
and it's the last one
before the baby comes.
Then, I'll just drop Dawn off,
and... I'll head home.
It's been real.
I am free!
Bye, bitches!
Oh, I am so glad I got bailed out.
I was about El Chapo this bitch.
- Oh, my God! It feels so good...
- What in the Real Housewives of Atlanta
is this?
Thank you, brother!
Wait, wait. Dawn, wait.
Hol... Dawn!
Oh, goddamn! Damn!
Oh, look at all the money.
That's... five dollars.
You chump ass.
Now here... I've got your address!
Close the goddamn...
- Close the... Close the door!
- All right.
- Close the door!
- All right. It's closed!
I thought you weren't comin' in
until tomorrow.
Yeah, well, I'm here now, ain't I?
What's goin' on with that jacket, man?
I stopped counting the buttons after six.
- Seven.
- Okay.
It's that Steve Harvey Season Seven.
You like it?
Yeah, that Family Feud shit.
Yeah, that's for retired
basketball players and deacons.
Mm-hmm. And the hair extension...
Yeah. And look here, it's called a "woop".
- A "woop"?
- Yeah.
A dip. A perm. You know what I'm sayin'?
I like it. I like the whole new thing,
man. It's a whole new look.
You look like Carmelo Anthony
fucked Rick James.
Hey, not everybody can wear lime green,
you know?
- Don't be jealous.
- Listen.
I'm glad you're here,
because I am havin' a hard time
crackin' the Mother's Day pitch,
and I'm desperate.
- Yeah, Mother's Day?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I got one for you. I'll tell you.
All right, here it goes. All right.
"Most kids get hugs and kisses
from their mama, and those memories last.
But I don't have those memories, Mama,
'cause you left me in the trash.
Happy Mother's Day, Mom,
dot, dot, dot...
I mean, I like the rhyming scheme,
but I just...
- I don't know, there's something...
- You know what?
You talkin' a lot, you talkin' a lot.
- Let's cut to the bullshit.
- Okay.
- Where the money at, huh?
- What money?
Don't hold out on me.
I'll... I'll slap your face.
You... I'll slap your white face
and I'll leave my handprint so big,
you'll look like the Canadian flag.
I do direct deposit. You know that.
- You smell like money, huh? You got...
- You got Republican money, huh?
Hey, hey, hey. You know I'm a Bernie bro.
- Oh.
- You know that.
Stay still.
You shop at Whole Foods.
You smell like the green bin
at Sprouts.
Where the money at? Who got the checks?
The che...
Who got the money?
- Relax, Alan.
- Who got the checks?
Talk to Linda.
- Who the hell is Linda, huh?
- Our boss.
We work for a bitch?
We work for Linda. She's nice.
- She's a nice bitch?
- Yeah.
Oh, people done changed.
It's good to see you, man.
Where the hell is Linda's office, huh?
Thank you.
Get back to work.
I said, get back to work!
Hey, Linda.
I need to holler at you
'bout some bidness. Right now.
Agora. Pronto.
Excuse me?
Look here. I want...
what's mine.
You what?
Did I...
Well, well, well, Alan.
I had to admit I was worried
you didn't get the message,
but I'm happy to see you
acting like you mean it.
Oh, yeah. You know I'm about that life.
Shit. Hells yeah.
Hells yeah.
And I'm happy to see you
dress for Rashneep's retirement party.
Look, I ain't here for no party.
I'm here on some bidness.
I want my ends. My loot.
My scrilla.
I want my advance.
Alan, you know that I don't give advances.
- Do I look like I give a shit?
- Hmm.
See, if I gave a shit, I'd look like this.
But I don't. So, I look like this.
- Now, do it.
- Alan...
you're talking to me like I work for you.
Yeah, well, you know, now you smellin'
what I'm fartin'. You know?
Let me make something very clear, Alan.
You could talk to everyone else that way,
- but not your...
- Hold on, that's...
You hear me?
Let me tell you something...
but nobody,
talks to me that way.
So, here's what I want you to do.
I want you to take your ass over there
and write me a check!
'Cause Daddy
got bills to pay.
You feel me?
I feel you.
I feel you!
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I feel you!
Okay. That's what we said.
Oh. Wait. Ooh.
- I feel that.
- I feel you.
Hey! Yeah.
I feel you.
- Okay!
- I feel you.
Oh, man.
That's some cool shit right there.
You know, I was thinkin' about gettin'...
Now it's time to consummate our...
I think you just gave me a raise.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm.
Ooh, stop in there. I need
something to drink.
- I am parched. Okurr?
- Hey, Alan. Can you get me some cereal?
All right, you need to stop
eating that cereal.
I think you got too much riboflavin
in your system.
That's why you big and swollen like that.
- Okay...
- It's affecting your thyroid.
- Stop fat-shaming!
- All right! Just stay in the car.
Thank you.
Y'all some big-ass white boys.
- Y'all truckers, huh?
- Damn.
I like me some truckers.
'Cause you know why?
They can handle the wide load.
Huh? Can you take those turns, hmm?
Yeah, I drive a big rig.
Let's skip all the small sides
and get straight to the main course.
Which one of you want some...
I am the seafood lover.
There's a dumpster
right back there.
I'll close my eyes and pretend
y'all the Ying Yang Twins...
Uh, Dawn. We gotta go.
Ugh! What?
Oh, my God. You comin' over here
lookin' all judgmental.
You are not God or Obama.
So, what do you want?
I'm sorry, fellas.
My sister's spoken for, so...
Squeeze me.
I am a grown-ass woman.
- If I want to sit on they face...
- That's gross.
...I'mma do that, okay?
So, what do you want?
Girl, come on!
Oh, my goodness. You make me sick, Alan.
Did you get my Count Chocula?
- No, but they did have...
- Rats!
Oh, ain't nobody care
about no damn cereal.
God! So, did they have my Four Loko?
- No.
- Any fine liquors?
Four Loko is not fine liquor, Dawn.
You have a drinking problem.
Listen, guys. I just got a ping
from the Adoption Registry in Mississippi.
Baby Pete is in the hospital.
- He's in ICU.
- Mm-mm, mm-mm-mm.
- He only has a few days to live.
- Ooh.
Then we must hurry to his side!
- Mm.
- Listen, I promised Marie I'd be home.
I'm havin' a baby soon.
He's our brother!
This might be our only chance
to meet him, Alan.
- Thanks.
- All right. Fine.
We'll drop Dawn,
and then you and I will go see Baby Pete.
Okey-dokey, smokey.
Hol' on, hol' on, hol' on, hol' on,
hol' on, hol' on, hol' on, hol' on!
I'm goin' with y'all, okay?
He's my brother, too.
And right now, he needs his family.
Besides, if he rich,
I wanna be in that will.
Russell, I'm ridin' shotgun!
You're a bully, Dawn!
So, get up out the front seat,
you smell like bellybutton.
I don't want that smell
woofin' on me as we drive.
I don't stink!
I just have a really aggressive
sweat gland disorder.
- Hey!
- Okay.
- Stupid.
- Everybody in the car. Quick...
- What the hell did you do to my truck?
- Uh-oh.
Hol' on, hol' on, hol'...
Who the hell are you yellin' at?
You better turn that anger down.
Your face all red.
You better turn it down to pink,
and then back down to white.
I don't play that.
It's not really red,
it was more of an orange tint.
Uh, listen, I'm sorry.
It was... It was an accident.
How about I accidentally kick your ass?
Oh, oh, God! I know you didn't!
You did not threaten
my new brother like that.
- See, I don't know him, but I love him.
- I don't know her.
I swear for God,
you don't know what you...
Wait, Dawn! Dawn, Dawn, Dawn, Dawn!
You think you so tough 'cause you tall?
I ain't afraid of you.
I'll kick you so hard in your balls,
that it'll replace your tonsils.
And if you get tonsillitis,
then they take out your tonsils,
but guess what?
They really takin' out your balls.
But they'll still give you ice cream.
Y'all think it's just empty threats?
You think this is an empty threat?
Oh, that's it. Now I'm bent!
I got my Vaseline.
Oh, I'm about to put that Vaseline
all over my face
'cause when you hit me,
it's gonna slide right off, like, mmm...
And I'll look at you, like,
"Now I'm mad."
Oh, you ain't gone yet?
I'mma turn my back, count to three.
If y'all ain't gone,
that's when I'mma go crazy.
One, two, three.
They're not gone, Dawn.
Ooh, they still there! Oh!
Oh, I see what it is. It's a full moon.
You gonna bring the werewolf out in me.
I see the moon, I'm like...
I'm a werewolf, bitch!
I'm sharpenin' my nails on the ground.
I sharpen my nails on the ground.
Yeah, I'm about to scratch your face
and give you infections!
Dawn, stop!
I got this!
Ain't nobody punkin' us!
Listen, how about you just give me
insurance information...
Ooh, get 'em, Dawn! Get 'em!
Don't you ever mess with my family!
Oh, you think this is a game?
Go deep, bitch!
I did it! I did it!
- Alan?
- Oh... my God.
You think he's dead?
No, dead people don't cry.
I think he broke my nose.
- You should probably see a doctor.
- Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah.
- Right?
- Definitely.
Habla Ingls?
Oh, sookie, sookie now.
How'd a sucka like you
get a fox like that?
See, now I know you got money.
Where the money at?
Yeah, I'mma cut this conk off,
and I'mma take this sucka's identity
and his bitch.
I just need some clippers
and some vinegar.
Oh, my gosh, Alan!
Hey! Surprise!
- I'm so glad you're home!
- Babe, good to see you.
Oh! I missed...
- Hey, baby.
- Hey. Oh, oh!
- Alan!
- Hmm?
- You never use tongue.
- Well, you know I'm tryin'...
- Alan.
- change it up, baby girl.
Girl, look at you.
- You look good.
- Oh, thank you.
You look about six months pregnant
in the stomach,
and about nine months pregnant back there.
Oh, and we're gonna be late
for class.
Is that the sweater my mom got you
for your birthday?
You hate that thing.
Girl, don't be tryin' to hate on my love.
This is swag.
All the real players wore Coogi. Come on.
Biggie, Snoop,
and then that Cosby put it on
and put a whole stank connotation on it.
You know what I mean?
Why are you talkin' like that?
Why am I talkin' like what?
Like a 1970's pimp.
Aw, sh... Thank you.
Oh, my gosh, Alan.
Please tell me that gold cap's a temp.
- This right here?
- Uh-huh.
That's the real thing.
That's eight carat gold-plated.
Yeah, a little bit of mercury up in there.
Sometimes I... suck it
and it make me a little dizzy.
- Okay. We're gonna be late. We gotta go.
- Okay, but wait, wait. Where are we goin'?
Breastfeeding class.
- A class with breasts?
- Yes.
Yes. It's the last one
before the baby comes, remember?
- Oh, I'm gonna get an "A" in this.
- Come on.
I'm coming!
Okay, hold tight. We're gonna get you
out of here. This might sting a bit.
Man, after what I've been through
the past 72 hours,
I can pretty much handle anything...
Oh, I should punch you in the throat!
Yeah, you're gonna need surgery.
Ideally, before the nose resets.
Go visit your brother.
We'll grab you once an OR opens up.
Hey! Don't touch me.
So, I had three
open-heart surgeries before I was 11.
And I complained
to Mother about a toothache.
All I had was a cavity.
Seven feet of my intestines taken out
by the time I was 21.
I got both knees replaced,
and I said to my doctor, I said, "Doc,
is this gonna affect my NBA career?"
You's a trip, BP. You could've been
a stand-up comedian
if you wasn't gonna die
in, like, three days,
and you could stand up.
Girl, you gonna make me
die laughin' with your big self.
- It's a cold world, Dawn.
- Yes, it is.
Hey, bro-bro.
- Baby Pete.
- Hey, Alan.
- Aw, look at this. Oh!
- How you doin'?
Come on, brother.
Come here, give me some love.
Oh, it's so good to meet you.
That's what's up. Black love.
It's so sweet.
My God!
The resemblance is crazy.
We look like twins!
It... it's uncanny.
Uh, except for that busted-ass nose.
Yeah, I...
- I don't...
- Don't we look alike?
Y'all look like twinsies.
Like, the upper arms,
the chest...
- Yeah, the hair. Like, the hair follicles.
- Uh-huh.
And even in the legs. Y'all got them...
them chicken-wing legs,
the ones that look like this.
This part of the chicken wing. Both y'all
got the same little chicken wing leg.
- Really?
- We all see it. Them legs is same.
- Same legs.
- Uh, okay.
- All right.
- I see it.
Let's... let's not talk about the looks.
Let's talk about what's important.
And that is... how do you feel, huh?
Oh, not bad for a guy on his deathbed.
- That... That ain't funny.
- Completely inappropriate, Alan.
Just 'cause he look
like a little voodoo doll
don't mean you get to make fun of him.
Oh, um... sorry.
But you do give me the heebie-jeebies.
'Cause my skin been crawlin'
since I been here.
Like a little dehydrated Smurf.
You know, they're threatenin'
to amputate my right arm.
Thank God I can throw with both.
Me too!
- No way!
- That's so...
- Yeah?
- Really?
- Wow, this...
- This is crazy!
- Our genetics is strong.
- Oh, my God!
You know, I just want to thank you
for comin',
from the bottom of my enlarged heart.
I just knew one day,
a miracle's gonna walk
right through that door.
I just wanna thank God.
God is good. Makes me wanna
scream His name and say,
Holy do it!
I pray to him,
and he makes my cereal cupeth
runneth overeth.
Dr. Williams! Hey.
- Hey! How you doin', Doc?
- Alan! Wow.
- Nice to meet you.
- Wow, what a wonderful thing
you're doin' for Baby Pete, Alan.
You are a hero.
Ah, it's no big deal, you know?
I mean, it's a bit of a drive, but...
Still. Not every day that a long-lost
family member appears out of thin air
to donate a kidney.
You said what?
Now, Alan,
it's just a simple procedure.
You'll be out of here in a few days.
A few days?
As long as there are no complications.
But hey, you get the honor
of saving your brother's life.
Right? I just need you
to sign this release.
Doc, I don't care about him.
- I don't know him.
- Sure you do.
- You lyin', Alan.
- You're so funny.
I don't know this little...
Why does it gotta be me?
Why you gotta take my kidney?
Why don't you take one of theirs?
Well, apparently, I'm "medically obese,"
so, it counts me out.
And don't look at me, 'cause I sniffed
way too much laptop cleaner,
and I popped a Molly yesterday.
I want some Molly.
What's Molly?
Alan, I get it. You're scared.
I was scared when I had my first colonic.
He put a finger in my butt,
- I felt... But...
- No, no... That's not...
- Baby Pete?
- Mm-hmm.
I wanna help you.
- Okay.
- You're my brother.
For another three days to a week.
When he die, I'm just gonna take
his little dead body
and put it on a key chain,
like a rabbit's foot.
Look, guys. I'm about to become a dad.
And if something happens to me,
then my child will grow up
without a father.
And that already happened to me.
And you.
So, no. I'm sorry. I-I can't do it.
You, sir, are a monster!
That is not fair.
He's too young to die.
Take part of me, instead.
Just not my kidneys.
- Say what?
- Move, Dawn.
Oh, you ain't about nothin'.
I can't believe I fought
those two rednecks for you.
You started that fight!
Ugh, you make me sick.
Uh, look, Alan.
I'm high on the donor's list.
The doctor's say I have a 0.001 chance.
Yeah, that's a chance.
- Mr. Daniels.
- Hey.
An OR just became available.
We are ready to take care of that nose.
- Okay. Be careful.
- All right.
- Looks like it's setting sideways.
- Ow!
Just need you to sign these release forms.
Here you go, Doc.
Aw, thanks, Baby Pete.
Ah, no problem, bro.
Baby Pete, I'm... I'm sorry.
Don't worry about it, Alan.
Everything happens for a reason.
Be strong, okay?
You'll always be with me.
And let go of all that negative energy.
Let go, and create a cocoon of positivity,
- for your beautiful baby.
- All right, move on.
The sun, the moon, and the stars.
Let's get to the titties, you know?
Let's... That's what we're here for, right?
Let's... Let's pull them suckers out.
- Alan.
- Did I say that out loud?
- Yes.
- My bad.
before you expose the nipple,
we want to be careful.
- Hey! Hey! Excuse me!
- Huh?
Absolutely no photos!
- Jesus, stop it!
- I just want one picture for the 'Gram.
No! Do I have to ask you to leave?
- What's gotten into you?
- I ain't been feelin' well all day.
- Do you... Is that Hennessy?
- That's cognac, but it ain't Hennessy.
Now, latching is everything.
I just wanna volunteer
if anybody needs help with latching.
That's it, sir. You have to leave.
Man, y'all a bunch of prudes
in this class.
- Hold on... Girl, this is Coogi! The Coo...
- Mm-mm.
Who the hell are you?
Baby, why you trippin'? I'm Alan.
You're Ethan.
Or Jaspar. You know what?
It doesn't matter.
You know what? I... I am Alan.
Says right here on my ID.
See? That's Alan.
- Oh, hell no.
- That's me.
Oh, my goodness.
See, smilin'. Who you callin'?
Wait, who you callin'?
I'm callin' the police.
- You can't call the po-po!
- Yes, I can!
- Who are you, Barbecue Becky?
- I will be.
- Are you Permit Patty?
- Try me.
Okay. Let a brother explain.
You've got five seconds.
All right. Okay, here's the thing.
I'm Ethan.
That's what I thought.
I had got an email from Alan
saying he wanted to find a family,
and he sound real sentimental,
like a little sad sack,
so he sound vulnerable to me,
so I was like,
"Boom, let me get his identity."
So, I was gonna procure
a small business loan
because Alan got good credit.
Like, he got white credit.
See, I see why you was with him, sister.
Wait, so you were gonna steal
my husband's identity?
I'mma be real with you. I know I look rich
with this old gold tooth in my mouth,
that says, "Money, money, money!"
But that's not the case, okay? I...
I'm flat broke.
Yeah, I lost my business
a couple of months ago.
- As what? A thief?
- Girl, I am legitimate.
I own a nail salon.
I do acrylics, gels, silks.
This place be magical.
Oh, really? Then what was it called?
"This Place Be Magical."
And why should I believe you?
Look here, did I hustle in the streets
my whole life?
Yes. Ain't nobody picked me up
from the State home.
So, you were never in a foster home?
No, ma'am.
Oh, my God. I'm...
- I'm so sorry...
- I'm good. I'm not... Stop that.
I'm good. You know?
I'm happy I did, you know?
- Okay.
- 'Cause it... it made me who I am.
And I gotta tell ya, nail art?
It was poppin'!
Until the landlord wanna break my lease
without warnin'.
Oh, well that's not legal.
Any decent lawyer could tell you that.
Girl, I can't afford no damn lawyer.
What's wrong with you?
What's your tenant ID?
Only one phone call.
You gonna make me blush, and I'm black,
and it's gonna look weird.
All right, Alan, you're all set.
- Tell the doc to make it pretty.
- Sure.
Uh, what's that?
It's to relax you. I don't think
you're gonna wanna be awake for this.
Okay, that's a good point.
Oh, wow.
This that stuff Lil Wayne have in his cup.
Dr. Williams?
That's me.
I thought the other doctor was...
Didn't... Another doctor's
gonna be workin' on my... fix...
What's this thing called?
- Nose? Yes.
- Yeah.
Yes, we're doing that as well.
- You got a nose.
- I do.
You may wanna back off
the dose a little bit.
Nurse, you got a... You got a big nose.
Okay, everything's in order.
Let's get him marked up.
So, we will go in
through the naval, laproscopically.
Then, through the incision point,
we will remove the kidney
and transplant it in Baby Pete.
Alan! Alan!
- Ethan?
- Mm-hmm.
Um, have you seen my necklace,
the one with the diamond pendant?
- Wow!
- Oh, the one with the diamond p...
Oh, you... you... you talkin' about this
right here?
I was just, um, holdin' it for you.
I was cleanin' it, actually.
You... You know,
you need to invest in a safe. Uh...
A less legitimate brother
might've stole this from you.
But I ain't that type of dude.
You know what I'm sayin'?
It's beautiful.
- Oh, oh!
- Look at this.
Ain't no thang but a chicken wang.
You know, that's how I do.
You know, I just like to paint.
It's just somethin' I do.
That color right there,
that's a tough one. That's...
That's Nose Candy White.
And all the hoochies love that one,
you know?
Behind Black Bitch, Big Booty Brown,
and Ratchet Raspberry.
But I... I thought it was
a little inappropriate
to paint the baby's room Black Bitch.
I mean, unless of course, it's a girl.
Then, you know... it may work.
Thank you.
And I-I just wanna take this time
to thank you for what you've done,
'cause, you know, throughout my life,
ain't nobody really ever
done me or treated me like... Shit!
Oh, Ethan.
What I... What I'm tryin' to say...
Not many people really give a fuck...
about me.
One second.
What I'm tryin' to say is that,
you know, I had a hard...
- It's okay.
- Hard life...
You're a good woman, you know?
You're kind, you got most of your hair.
- Thank you.
- Hey, look, Alan's a lucky man.
- Oh!
- Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah! He's...
- Ooh.
- Look, 'cause I had some devious plans.
- I'm just keepin' it real.
- Uh-huh.
You know? What happened? Is...
- It's kicking.
- It's kicking?
Oh, you want me to kick it back?
- Oh, no, no, no. It's okay.
- Okay.
Oh, you got your little... Girl, I just...
I could teach him some stuff.
- I know Wu-Tang and...
- Really?
Yeah, and Wong Chang and Chang Wong.
- Yeah, Ethan knows it.
- I can teach your baby to kick.
We could teach him to slap.
Ain't nobody was better at slap boxin'.
I'd slap the shit out them white boys.
Blue team to ICU, please.
Blue team, ICU.
Where am I?
Take it easy, Alan.
You've been out of surgery
for several hours.
One less kidney, but your nose
is back to normal.
One less...
Okay, calm down.
- It's fine. Deep breaths.
- Where is he?
- No, no.
- Where is he?
- I'm going to kill this little... Oh!
- Sir, please, no!
- You need to take it easy!
- Take it easy?!
The boy took my kidney!
I need my kidney.
I don't know what for, but I need it!
Can you put it back?
No. That's ridiculous.
Stay in bed.
Okay, where is he? Where's Baby Pete?
On a flight to Havana.
He took my kidney to a communist country?
He took a Medi-Jet this afternoon.
He started a crowdfunding page
for his post-op.
Raised $200,000.
People really love that guy.
I hate that guy! I'm gonna kill him.
- Where's my keys? Where are my keys?
- Oh!
Well, your sister left you this.
"IOU $10,000
and one car.
You my boo thang four life. Dawn."
You don't spell "for" F-O-U-R,
you ignoramus!
Didn't they teach you English in jail?!
All right. You stay there,
and I'm gonna get the doctor.
I'm gonna kill these people! All of 'em.
You gave him your kidney?
Well, I didn't give it to him.
He stole it.
Well, are you okay?
No, I'm not okay.
Only good thing is
they fixed my broken nose.
Broken nose? What... What the hell
is goin' on over there?
I don't know.
I had all these dreams, Marie,
about us bein' a family and I finally
have somethin' to bring to the table.
But you know what I learned about family?
They take.
They take your money,
they take your car...
they take your kidney.
Look. I don't know exactly
what's going on over there,
but you need to get your shit together!
- But baby, it's not me! You don't unders...
- No, no, no! I wanted you
to find your family,
to help you fill that void.
And up till this very moment,
- I have been supportive of you.
- Yes, but...
M-Marie, you don't understand.
It's not me, it's these people,
this... this family!
They screw everything up.
No, Alan, it is you
who is screwing everything up
with the family you have right here!
I'm having your baby.
And you need to bring your ass home,
or don't bother coming home at all!
That might be the hormones talking,
I'm not really sure.
- Marie, baby, you don...
- Just bring your ass home!
Excuse me.
Are you for Alan?
Uh, no, Elaine.
- Damn it.
- Hey, Alan!
Where do you think you're goin'?
The doctor was pretty insistent
that you stay here for at least a week.
You know, Alan, I've been thinking.
That was a pretty incredible thing
you did for Baby Pete.
Who gives their kidney
to somebody he just met?
Yeah, but then again, I did you give you
my second-to-last hard candy, so...
I guess we both sacrificed, huh? Heroes.
I'm goin' home.
I really woulda wish I had known
that was the case.
I just said goodbye to Dawn.
Yeah, but I'm pretty sure
she would've taken us back, though.
Did you just say "us"?
Yeah, Alan. I'm not gonna abandon you
after you had a major surgery.
there is no "us".
This trip is over.
I'm goin' home.
Wait, so you're just gonna leave
without me?
We're brothers!
You're gonna make me say it, huh?
Don't hit me.
I never wanna see you again!
I don't wanna be in a car with you,
or any enclosed space,
with you or that supposed family,
for the rest of my...
now-shortened life.
Let's just go back to pretending
that neither of us even exist.
Is that clear enough for you, Russell?
I don't know him!
I'll use my warning whistle!
This is my house.
Who the hell would bring us here?
I understand...
you're looking for me.
- What the hell are you doin'?
- I'm playing dead.
This way, he sees you're alive,
he'll kill you first,
buy me time to plot my escape.
And now...
you will regret...
that you have...
In the flesh.
Revive him.
Oh! That made my nipples dance.
I thought I was a goner.
Thank you, kind sir, for saving my life.
- I'm forever indebted...
- Enough of the buffoonery!
Y-You know, despite the obvious...
we look exactly alike.
You and I? Hardly.
You two, however...
It's uncanny.
I find it ironic that I...
am the black sheep of the family.
I didn't... I didn't get it.
Laugh, Russell.
Get it?
'Cause he's really light-skinned
and yellow,
like jaundiced chicken or something.
Oh. That's not funny.
You know, growing up, I...
I never quite fit in.
Oh, Lord. Here we go.
A black kid, light skin, red hair.
I was called all kind of terrible,
derogatory names.
"Strawberry Shortcake."
"The Butterscotch Kid."
"Little Orphan Annie."
I have to admit...
it was a hard-knock life.
They called me "ninger."
You know what a "ninger" is?
It's an "n" - word and a ginger, mixed.
It's good, it's good.
You throw two derogatory terms together
and you make me a "ninger"?
But despite the odds, I found my place...
in the world.
You see, gentlemen,
I collect sensitive information
for high net-worth individuals,
and the government,
and I've run the occasional
offshore black site,
but that was just really
for my entertainment.
So, you're a spy?
Officially, I don't exist.
Yet, your wife...
called The Pentagon about me, seven times.
She's just persistent.
And that raises red flags, Alan.
I don't like red flags.
Gonna have to agree with Jaspar
on that one.
Red flags are not good.
Would you shut the fuck up?
You shut up.
Why are you...
to find me?
I-I just wanted to meet my family,
so I tracked down our birth mother,
but she was dead.
- That's the truth!
- Lies!
He has a really juicy mouth, right?
- I gotta teach you the hard way.
- What's that? What's that box?
- Liar, liar...
- I'm not lying! I swear.
- What's that? What's that?
- ...pants on fire.
You gonna attach that to my balls?
Wait, wait, wait!
Okay, listen. I'm not lyin'.
I'm having a baby!
You won't have no baby no more.
And Russell, well,
- he got so much TV left to watch.
- I do.
I don't think he's seen anything
after 1984.
Television. Huh.
So, uh, what's your favorite show?
The Rockford Files.
Rockford Files.
- Mm-hmm.
- Here's a fun fact.
I am the largest collector
of Rockford memorabilia
this side of the Western Hemisphere!
In fact...
I own the original picture car.
Y-You know, Russell owns
the only existing copy
of the operating manual for that car.
Don't you, Russell?
Does he?
Some stupid rich guy
keeps trying to get it from me,
and I tell him, "No, idiot."
You're the one.
- Oh, it's you.
- Uh-oh.
I've been lookin' for that.
- I'm gonna fry your fat balls!
- I-I-I... Wait. Hold on.
Listen, I can vocalize the theme song
to Rockford Files with near perfect pitch.
Who cares?
Take it away, Alan!
Take it away, Jack!
Let 'em go! Untie 'em!
Thank you.
And to think, I was gonna kill ya.
But you still haven't told me the truth!
What are you doin'? This is crazy!
"Crazy" is being raised
in a State home
by government psychiatrists
that lie about who you are!
Okay, that's crazy.
Never feeling the embrace
of your mother.
Not one frickin' hug, Alan.
Not one.
Well, as the only one here who has
received the embrace of his mother,
I'll tell you, hugs are overrated
and a breeding ground for diseases.
Shut the hell up!
Besides, Mama smells weird.
Like moth balls and used floss string.
Now it's time...
to say your goodbyes.
Jaspar, please.
Bye, Alan.
Please, please, please.
What in the highest heavens is goin' on?
Russell, I know this ain't no party,
'cause you ain't got no damn friends.
Aw, Mother.
What're you doing home?
Yeah, there was an E. coli outbreak
on the cruise ship,
so they let us off in Ensenada.
Now, somebody need to start talkin'
before I get my belt.
Or worse, my shotgun.
I-I thought you was dead.
That's news to me.
I'm Alan.
I'm your son.
My Lord. Alan?
Oh, my God. My baby?
Look at you. You all growed up.
So tall and handsome.
You look just like your brother.
I told you. Twinsies.
Same hairline and everything.
Oh, it's uncanny!
Oh, so good to see you. Come here.
- Feels so good to have you in my arms!
- Mom...
It's been so long.
Hey, Alan, you smell it? You smell
the moth balls and the dentures?
Just breathe them bosom scents. Yes!
Okay, okay, that's enough, Mother.
I just got carried away.
Who stepped on a cat?
Oh, Jaspar.
Oh, my Lord. Jaspar?
Yes, Mother.
I'd recognize that face anywhere.
You do? Oh, Mother!
Oh, you got all the Irish in you, boy.
One thirty-fourth.
Look at you with all them
beautiful pink undertones,
with your honey-almond complexion.
Look at my lilttle redbone. Mm-mm.
Now, put that goddamn gun down,
- 'fore I spank the pink out yo ass!
- I'm sorry, Mother. I'm so sorry.
Who the hell you think you are?
I've been a bad boy.
Yes, you have.
I think I need a whooping.
You could just spank me
all over my little red tushie.
- Oh, baby.
- Oh, Mother.
It's not your fault, honey.
It's not your fault.
Oh, Mother. Your big man hands.
Mama should've know
something like this was gonna happen.
You all were just babies when I...
dropped you off
like an old bag of dirty clothes.
I was young.
A single mom with six babies. No husband.
No family.
I had no one.
It's such a stereotype.
It's okay.
'Cause now all y'all have each other.
Thanks to you, Alan.
So, why would you tell me she was dead?
All right, Alan, listen.
When you said you were my brother,
I panicked.
I thought you was trying
to take Mother from me.
Oh, baby.
So, why would you come along?
When I found out
there was more of you...
Well, "us"...
I had to see for myself.
And, well...
since we hit the road together,
I've done things
I've only seen on television.
these past few days...
were the greatest of my life.
And I know
I'm not the family that you wanted...
But you're the family I got.
This remind me
of all those classic sitcom finales.
Make you feel all warm and tingly inside.
Look at my baby.
I'm so glad y'all made up, 'cause I was
about to make y'all kiss on the mouth.
- That's how we do.
- I want a kiss on the mouth.
Well, Mom, I guess if I'm gonna have
a first kiss,
- why not it be Alan?
- No!
I always thought it was gonna be
with Tootie from Facts of Life.
I never thought my first kiss
- would be with my brother. Ready?
- Excuse me.
Marie. You're not gonna believe this,
but I was on my way home,
and I got kidnapped. Crazy, ri...
- My water broke.
- Your what?
My water broke!
You gotta get to the hospital.
I got you a long t-shirt that says,
"Mom Hair, Don't Care."
All I need is some weed
'cause I'm a little stressed.
Alan, get back here! Do you hear me?
I'm havin' the baby!
Get back here!
It's Marie.
She's in labor.
The baby's comin'!
- Oh, wow!
- Yippee!
Lord, God is good. I'm gonna be a grandma!
I'm gonna be an uncle! Uncle Russell.
Terrible name.
Hey, Alan.
Take my car.
I'll stay with Mother. Maybe get that hug.
Oh, that's so sweet of you, baby.
If you scratch it, I'll kill ya.
I was just joshin'.
No, I'm not.
Come on, Alan. Let's ride!
Come on, Russell. Come on!
- Bye, Mom!
- Bye, Mom!
And make sure you change your underwear.
You know you got that high-wipe!
Oh, shit!
A gold 1976 Pontiac Firebird Esprit!
The same one driven in...
The Rockford Files!
- Come on, Russell. Let's go.
- No, Alan.
I'll drive.
Hood slide!
I'm okay.
What are you doing?
I always wanted to do that.
You're on the wrong side.
Buckle up.
'Cause we're about to take off!
Sorry, Miss Gallagher!
Keep it between the lines, Russell!
Yeah, well, there's only so much
you could learn from a manual, Alan.
Go around. Go around 'em!
Uh-oh! Here comes the fuzz.
Russell, go! Go, go, go!
Don't worry, Alan.
They'll never take us alive!
That's the idea! Let's go!
Well, they won't take you alive,
but I'm gonna surrender. Sorry.
Hold on, Alan!
Watch out, coming through!
Watch the car!
- Oh!
- Move!
Alan, all these cars
are going the wrong way!
No, you're goin' the wrong way!
My bad!
This is like Dukes of Hazzard
without the racist car.
- All right, Alan. Hospital's coming up!
- Okay.
I'm gonna slow down a little,
and I need you to tuck and roll.
What? You want me
to jump out of a moving car?
It worked for Jim Rockford every time!
I ain't Rockford!
Now, do it! Go!
It worked.
Not today, fuzz.
That was a J-turn! I did a J-turn!
Eat my dust, copper!
I'm looking for my wife,
Marie Daniels?
- Right in there.
- Thank you.
Doc, you got the good angle.
Alan! Glad you could join us.
- Baby's a little early, but it looks good.
- Oh!
Your brother's been a big help.
- What's up, bro?
- You're doing great, Marie.
Keep breathing.
Wow! The resemblance is...
Man, we look just alike!
I mean, if somebody just...
sucked all the cool out of me,
and I was a law-abiding citizen,
and I didn't kick puppies,
- or try to drown goldfish.
- Hey!
- I'm having a baby here. If you could...
- Oh, hey. Hey, honey.
- Baby.
- Code Red.
- Code Red.
- Hi, baby.
Labor and Delivery is locked down
under police order.
Okay. Not to make it weird,
but I'mma need you to speed things up.
I may be spendin' the first year
of the baby's life in prison.
- What?
- No biggie.
No biggie. It's okay, baby.
Damn. It's the po-po.
Fo sho-sho.
Why is the po-po after you?
Uh, speeding, reckless driving,
possible vehicular assault.
We was in a high-speed chase.
Oh! Respects, my G.
- What?
- It's okay, we got away.
Well, almost.
You know what? Look here.
You gotta be here for Marie and that baby.
I'mma need your pants.
My pants?
You are doing so good.
You're doing great.
Hey, Ethan.
Thank you so much, man.
I really appreciate this.
Hey, man. Ain't no thang
but a chicken wang.
We family, right?
Hey, about that partnership at work?
You welcome.
You feel me?
Oh! Gross.
Hey, hey.
- Hi, baby.
- Hey, Ponch! John!
Come get your boy. Come on.
Okay. Oh, hey, hey. Hey, okay, okay.
Okay, I'm here. Listen, listen.
I just want to say I'm so sorry.
Okay, I got so caught up
meetin' my new family,
I forgot to appreciate
the one I have right here at home.
I will never do it again, I promise.
I'm pretty sure when the drugs wear off,
I'm gonna be so mad at you,
and I'mma wanna bang you in the face.
But I'm just so happy
to have you here.
Always. Always.
All right, Marie. I can see the head.
Just give me one more push.
- Okay. Okay.
- Ready? Come on, we'll breathe.
One, two, three.
- Push!
- Come on.
I watch a lot
of Murder, She Wrote on this new iPad.
- Hey, Douglas.
- It's like having a TV in your pocket.
Babies, be careful!
Now, you know there's avocado
in that nine-month layer dip.
I knew it. I knew it.
That is just nasty.
What the hell?
And why the hell
is there nine layers in a dip?
Everybody know
dip only supposed to have seven layers.
- After that, you just repeating.
- Worse than being waterboarded.
That's white people dip.
Now, Ethan, hush your mouth.
You know these negroes are bougie.
And Russell, you be careful.
It makes you colic-y.
- Eww.
- Okay, Mom.
Why you wearing corduroy?
- You make my balls stink.
- Stop, Dawn.
- I want to play Candy Land.
- Welcome to Wakanda!
Uh, baby, I think
I should do somethin' about the dip.
Who doesn't like avocado?
Oh, that's a family trait.
That's right, baby.
I'll help you, Mom.
- Want to take her?
- Yeah.
- She's all yours.
- I got her.
Hey, where the Domino's at?
What kind of black barbecue
ain't got no damn Domino's?
Looks like I brought a little bit more
to the table than you thought, huh?
Well, a couple of 'em
look like they should be in jail.
- Hey, man!
- Candy Land!
Yes, let's do this!
Should be? A couple of them have been.
But you know what? That's my family.
And I'm gonna teach this little girl
to love her family unconditionally.
Bro, I just want to thank you
from the bottom of my heart
for what you did for this family.
- You gonna be an amazing daddy.
- Thank you.
Even though our father wasn't shit.
Aw, thanks, Dawn.
That was almost emotional.
Now, as for you, Uncle Ben.
Let me tell you somethin'.
I don't care what kind of judge you are,
Judge Judy, Judge Reinhold,
Ashley Judge,
it don't make no difference to me.
Don't be throwin' shade
at my brother, okay?
'Cause I don't mind goin' to jail.
- I like jail.
- Uh, easy there, easy now.
For life, bro.
For life.
- For life, sis.
- That's how we do.
Look at me. I'm watchin' you.
I-I think she just threatened me, Alan.
Oh, that sounded more like a promise.
You want me to tell her back off?
Well, if you would be so kind. I mean...
Are you askin' me for a favor?
- Uh... what?
- You know, 'cause it sounded like a favor.
Oh, no. Just... just a gesture,
a kind gesture on your part.
Well, if you're askin' me for a favor,
I'd like to hear it.
As a favor to me,
would you ask her to back off, Alan?
I got you.
Hey, Alan! Quick, come here!
Baby Pete wants to say "hi" to his niece.
And you could say "hi" to your kidney.
Come on, bring that little nappyhead baby
on over here!
Oh, leave that baby alone.
- All right, I'm comin', I'm comin'!
- Wait, wait, let me... Let me hold her.
- Give my regards to Peter.
- Hi, Pee-pee!
Hey, Pee-pee.
Aw, man, she got my face.
Yeah, and your height.
Are you drinking with my kidney?
Oh, get over it, Alan.
You ain't gettin' it back!
I'mma take it back.
Oh, you got to find me first!
I know exactly where he's at.
His coordinates are right here.
I've a drone in the area.
Want me to send in a strike?
- I will, I could do it.
- Hey, Mama.
Oh, my Lord.
Is that my Baby Pete?
Hey, Mama!
Got all my babies together
at the same time?
Oh, Lord heard my prayer.
I went to church Sunday through Wednesday
for this moment.
Mama! Mama!
Mama's good now. Mama's good.
I'm just overwhelmed with emotion.
If she dies, I get the jewelry.
She's just feelin' the spirit of the Lord.
I'm gettin' emotional here.
Family photo time, y'all!
If it's not on the 'Gram, it's a scam!
Now, come on, babies. Come on.
Thank you.
What'd you hit me for?
It's not nice. I'm tellin' Mother.
Mother! Ethan hit me!
I hate having brothers and sisters.
I want to be an only child again!
Bring it on in, fam. Bring it on in.
Russell, Russell, pay attention.
I want to see everybody in there.
Miss Lynette, bring it in.
This reminds me of the school picture
episode of Eight Is Enough
- where a young Nicholas Bradford...
- Shut the hell up!
You shut up.
Not you, Mom.
Okay, on three, two, one...
Welcome to my house
Baby, take control now
We can't even slow down
We don't have to go out
Welcome to my house
Welcome to my house
Morning comes
And you know that you wanna stay
Close the blinds
Let's pretend that the time has changed
Keep our clothes on the floor
Open up champagne
Let's continue tonight
Come on, celebrate
- That's how we do it
- Sometimes you gotta stay in, in
Welcome to my house
- Baby, take control now
- Now
We can't even slow down
We don't have to go out
Welcome to my house
- Play that music too loud
- Turn it up, turn it up
- Show me what you do now
- Show me now
- We don't have to go out
- Go out
Welcome to my duck off the crib
The spot, the pad
But my house is your house
If you throwin' it back
Excuse me if my home bringing the sad
Soon as these happy faces lay
You can run with the cash
Home run, slam dunk, touchdown, pass
Mi casa es tu casa
So it ain't no holding back
Another shot of vodka
You know what's in my glass
It's my house, just relax
Welcome to my house
- Play that music too loud
- Turn it up
Show me what you do now
- We don't have to go out
- Go out
We ain't gotta go out, 'cause what?
Welcome to my house
It's my house, my house
What? What?
Welcome to my house
It's my house