Sgt. Bilko (1996) Movie Script
Brass!
Livin' in the USA
This is WBXT,|the voice of Fort Baxter.
All personnel are invited to join|Sergeant Bilko in the motor pool...
...for a demonstration|of proper spark-plug maintenance...
...today at 0420, 0530 and 1455.
Those times again. 0420, 0530 and 1455.
- Did you win?|- Nope.
Private Wally Holbrook|reporting for duty.
- First assignment?|- Yes.
- Relax. Know where you're assigned?|- Motor pool.
- OK. Motor pool?|- Yes, I...
- You're going straight to the colonel.|- Colonel? What'd I do?
- How old are you, son?|- Nineteen, sir.
Nineteen... So young.
I'm a first-rate mechanic.|My two uncles owned a garage.
- Got any money?|- Yes, sir.
- Give it to me.|- But...
It's all right.
- My word, there must be $500 in here.|- 700. See, I worked at my uncle's...
You're going to take $700|in cash into Bilko's barracks?
- Yes, sir. Who, sir?|- Give me your hat, please.
Sergeant Bilko.|Master Sergeant Ernest G Bilko.
- Well, good luck. And Godspeed.|- Thank you, sir.
Remember, if you need anything|at all, need any help...
...the old colonel's door is always open.|- Thank you, sir.
Sir?
- I'm lookin' for Sergeant Bilko.|- You're too late, junior, no more bets.
- No, no, no. I'm reporting in.|- Come on, Duane! Pull!
Dig deep, baby!
Come on! Come on!
Come on! Come on!
He's got the wrong shoes!|Doberman's wearing the wrong shoes.
He's got no traction. And this horse!
This horse was not this lively this|morning. I want it drug tested now!
Someone, quick.|Get a urine bottle and a mop.
Hey! What's goin' on?
It's Private Doberman. He's the one|who looks sort of human.
Last night in the gym, Doberman said|"I feel as strong as a horse. "
Some guy from company P overheard him|and said "Yeah? For how much?"
It's the golden rule. You don't say nothing|unless you're prepared to back it up.
No, no, not across the line.|Don't go across. Back. Just, back. Back.
- Are you OK, Duane?|- Sarge, I can't do this any more!
You did your best, Duane.|What's money, anyway?
So, Bilko, I finally won one. Pay up.
- Hurry up.|- Oh, so now we're on a schedule?
- Shall we go once more?|- Sarge! Please, no more. No more, Sarge.
Don't worry. I won't put you|through that again.
- He's finished. He's a loser.|- No one calls one of Bilko's men a loser.
I oughta... Hold me back! Aah.|No, no! Let me go! I'll kill him.
- You wanna double the bet?|- Double the bet? Ha! You're serious.
- Sarge, no.|- What's the matter, Ernie? Scared?
Sarge, please. That's all|the platoon's money-every cent.
This is beyond money now. This is|a matter of honour. OK, the bet is 1,000.
Sucker.
Yeah!
Hey, you can't do that, man.
- Ready, Duane?|- Sure, Sarge.
See? He was just rollin' up the bet.
He's like a god.
Duane! Duane! Duane!
Duane! Duane! Duane!|Duane! Duane! Duane!
Yeah! Yeah!
Walk him around and wipe him down.
Not the horse! Doberman.
Listen, that M2 Bradley vehicle|is property of the US Army.
I want it back on the post by tonight.|We have rules! Rules and regulations.
I have your rental agreement right here.
And if you blow anything up,|it's coming out of your deposit.
Teenagers! So irresponsible.
- Sarge, you said I could count the take.|- She got to count it last time.
Will you stop fighting?|It's like I'm running a daycare centre.
Actually, that's not a bad idea.|We could keep 'em in the storeroom.
- Luis, how many kids on the post?|- Personal dependants under five?
- 293.|- Get me the total of their allowances.
- Hey, in the storeroom? Kids?|- Zimmy, they won't die.
In fact, that'll be our motto:|"They won't die. "
I'll count the money. Rocky, make sure|the horse gets back to Knott's Berry Farm.
Private First Class Holbrook, Walter T,|reporting in for duty, Sergeant!
Sarge, Holbrook is a tech-school terror.
First in his class,|motor-vehicle maintenance.
A real live wrench-turner|in the motor pool?
It's so crazy, it just might work.|I'll introduce you to the boys and girls.
What's the matter, Sarge?
Don't you smell it? It's money.
This is Sgt Henshaw and Sgt Barbella.|You'll see them about dances, raffles.
You'll get your tickets|through them. They run the shop.
So if you need stationery, magazines...|But not magazine subscriptions.
See Morales about that. Towels...
- Towels? Doesn't the army issue towels?|- Army? Get him a set of towels.
The fluffy ones.|The introductory price. Come on.
Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen.
This is Dino Paparelli.|You're gonna laugh, you're gonna cry.
You're gonna love|this scrappy little Italian.
- Hiya.|- Sam Fender. His motto in life is simple:
..."An indictment is not a conviction. "|- Damn straight.
That's manly talk. Mickey Zimmerman.
Tragically, Zimmerman was born|without a personality.
- Hello.|- Luis Clemente.
This guy is smart, very smart.|He has an IQ.
- Hello.|- See what I mean?
Tony Morales. The only thing|you need to know about him...
...is he doesn't take showers|because it fogs up the mirror.
Finally, the man of the hour, the master|of disaster, the king of the universe -
...look out, girls, he hates to dine alone -|Private Duane Doberman!
Aw, Sarge.
Doberman doesn't take showers either,|but for a much more frightening reason.
My orders, Sergeant.
Everything seems to be in order.|Henshaw will take your bags.
Don't worry, he's bonded. Got a licence?
- A driver's licence?|- We can make one up.
- Henshaw, get the camera!|- No, no. I have a licence. It's right here.
My wallet.
Oh, here it is. Empty.|It's in your hat, isn't it?
Good boy. Oh. Oh, there must be six...|no, seven hundred dollars in here. Good.
Well, you can start with this.|The colonel's car.
- OK, what's wrong with it?|- It's the odometer.
It says 12,000 miles,|and it should say 11,000 miles.
Tony drove it to Lake Tahoe|to go to his grandmother's funeral.
- I'm sorry.|- When I say that...
...I mean "visit his niece". And|when I say "niece", I mean lady friend?
Look. I'm winking. Look at my eye.
- You want me to turn that back?|- Yes.
- I can't do that, Sergeant.|- "Can't"! He said "can't"!
Sarge, are you all right?
Hey, man, "can't" is a four-letter word|in this platoon.
I cannot violate regulations,|unless it's an order...
...in which case I would have to ask|Master Sergeant Bilko to sign said order.
I'm asking you to do Tony here a favour.|We're all like family here.
Any one of these men|would take a bullet for you.
- Well, not in the chest.|- No, not in the chest, but in the thigh.
- Permission to speak freely?|- What, are we in Russia? Say anything.
You're soldiers. Guardians of freedom.
And frankly, I don't think there's a man|here taking his service oath seriously.
You know what? I'm gonna kill him.
Fender!
Now, this is the stuff|they should be teaching in the army.
- They are.|- No kidding?
Here's a mouldy oldie|for all our friends in the motor pool.
Ridin' along in my automobile
My baby beside me at the wheel
I stole a kiss at the turn of a mile
Brass!
My curiosity runnin' wild
Cruisin' and playin' the radio
With no particular place to go
Ridin' along in my automobile
I was anxious to tell her the way I feel
So I told her softly and sincere
And she leaned and whispered in my ear
Cuddlin' more and drivin' slow
With no particular place to go
- Sarge, where can we hide the horse?|- What horse?
All right, men! Faster.|The army needs these vehicles.
Bilko?
Sergeant.
Sergeant Bilko!
Fall in, men, now! And get|into a semicircle or a rectangle, now!
Hut! Hey!
Very good. As you were.
He means go back to|what you were doing.
Colonel Hall, you look fantastic, sir.|Have you lost weight?
Why, a couple of pounds maybe.
Nell and I have been|"sweating to the oldies".
- Ah.|- Sergeant, I'm here to see about my car.
Ah, well, I'm afraid|we're still working on it, sir.
- You've had it a week and a half.|- I thought I saw it on Interstate 30.
There. Thank God I have a witness.|Thank you, Captain Moon.
And the colonel thinks|I never test-drive the vehicles.
What is that?
That's horse shit, sir. I tell the men|"You have to test-drive... "
- What's it doing there?|- It keeps the flies off the food.
There's no way you can tell|what's wrong with an engine...
- Off the food?|- It's an experiment.
I'd say the results are mixed.
It's a lot cheaper than|sending out for it, sir.
And fresher too.
Bilko, are you mental?|This is not the horse cavalry.
- You can't bring livestock onto the post.|- You're right, sir.
You heard the colonel. Assemble horse|platoon and get the horse out of here!
- All right, double-time, soldier.|- Sergeant, please, tell me about my car.
- Do you know anything about cars, sir?|- No.
Ah. Well, you see that|sort of pointy thing right there?
It seems that it's impinging on the|browned, round thing with the spots.
- You see, when Henry Ford first...|- Colonel Hall.
- Corporal, what is it?|- Permission to speak privately?
- Of course. Excuse me, Bilko.|- Absolutely.
- What is it, Corporal?|- The Pentagon called.
The Pentagon?|How did they get my number?
They're sending a team|to observe tomorrow's hovertank test.
- Why? It's just a preliminary... Aah.|- What is it, sir?
Well, they're closing|a lot of military facilities lately.
What if they're planning|to close Fort Baxter?
- Do you know anything about this?|- You flatter me.
- How could I, a mere master sergeant...?|- You know everything before I do.
I'm sure it's just routine, sir.|Anyway, come back any time. Call first.
I tell you, men, serving under|a great leader like Colonel Hall...
- He's gone.|- I'm hungry. What time is it?
12 o'clock. We ordered Chinese.
- Pentagon brass, Sarge? I don't like it.|- Relax. It's just army stuff.
It's got nothing to do with us.
- Did you say 12 o'clock?|- Yeah.
- Today's Saturday?|- All day.
Saturday at noon. I have a strange feeling|I'm supposed to be somewhere.
Hmm.
I'll kill him.
- Poker game?|- No, no.
- Racetrack.|- No, no. It was something else.
My, that's a lovely dress.
- Thank you, Reverend.|- Is it new?
No, I wore it the last time|the lying shit-heel stood me up.
Ah.
Give me the ring.|You were the best man last time.
- He didn't get married last time!|- It's my turn!
- How you gonna be best man?|- Just give me the ring!
- But you can't hate him, you know?|- I can hate him. I hate him right now.
Sweetheart...
Where are you going? Nobody leave.
You came to see me get married. You're|going to - I don't particularly care who to.
Sweetheart! I know you're upset...
Daddy, stay out of this.|I know what I'm doing.
- Nelson.|- Huh?
Are you busy? Will you|marry me? I love you.
I just never realised it until now.
Well, the thing is, Rita,|I'm engaged... to your sister.
And?
Don't ask. Don't even ask.
OK, ask.
Bunny face,|you won't believe what happened.
There was this busload of sweet geriatrics.|They went rolling down a mountain side...
Do you think I'm an idiot?
Ask Wally. He's new, a real straight arrow,|never told a lie in his life. Wally?
See?
Sweetheart, sweetheart...
Oh, baby... angel puff, you're overreacting!
- You know, it's... Ooh! Bad turnout.|- It was full an hour ago.
Oh, sweetie, I... I'm well!
Sweetie, what can I do|to make it up to you?
Whaddaya want? Just tell me.|I'll do anything.
I've been waiting for seven years.
What do I want? I want my seven years|back. I can't live like this, Ernie.
I've got a maid of honour|on call 24 hours a day.
And I'm the only woman with a wedding|dress that's falling apart from wear.
- I'm sorry.|- I think you love me, Ernie.
But you're so slippery, it's impossible|to know what you're thinking.
Well, thank you.
I don't understand|what you're so afraid of.
You know what I wanna do|right here, right now?
No. Don't.
No. No, not this time.
- Don't, please.|- One game, to 500.
Don't. Please don't.
Spade. It's a double.
Triple boxes, to 500. Penny a point.
- A four?|- Yes.
Oh, two. Yeah. Come on. Here. Go, go, go.
What's up?
Well, Rocky and I were talkin' to Wally|while you and Rita were in the church.
She's a nice girl.|We don't like the way you treat her.
He's right, Sarge.|You treat her like a rube.
- Wouldn't you be happier in the navy?|- You jilted that girl.
She'll probably have to|move to another town.
Will you relax? Rita and I|have a special relationship.
You think she expected me|to marry her today? Of course not.
She expected me to do|just what I did. It's a game.
Someday you might lose that game, Ernie.
Very good, men. Make sure it's tight.
- Tight?|- Whatever.
So, Major Ebersole,|tomorrow's the big day.
- How's she look?|- I hope it won't be too humiliating, sir.
What's supposed to happen?
Well, theoretically,|and I wouldn't bet the farm...
...the hovertank will lift off and hover|several inches above the pond.
- Good. Very good.|- Yeah. Then it will engage the targets...
...the... the cannon. Boom.|The ammunition dump. Kaboom.
That truck. Boom.
Excellent. One thought.|Maybe it should be: boom, boom...
...then kaboom.
You know, save that "kaboom" for the very|last? Kind of like a "hoo-ah" grand finale.
What do you think?
- I'll make a note of it, sir.|- Good.
- Missed me. Now run!|- Ow!
- Yeah. Gotcha.|- Hey, there goes the sarge, man.
Sarge!
- Hey, Dobie, come on, let's go.|- Sarge, you get married yet?
- Not yet.|- How did Rita take it this time?
Oh, she's happy. She took|40 bucks off me in a gin game.
Oh, she's great!
Paparelli. How's tickets goin' for the|"Meet Stormin' Norman" barbecue?
- It's a sellout, Sarge.|- Find a lookalike?
- We found one.|- Ahh.
No wonder they call me|a master sergeant.
You know, things weren't|always this good.
When I first got my stripes at Fort Dix,|I considered it my responsibility...
...to provide the hardworking men and|women with some wholesome recreation.
- You ran the gambling.|- That's right, Fender.
But there was this lieutenant there -|Lieutenant Colin Thorn.
A lunatic. I mean, real smooth on|the outside, but underneath, barbed wire.
He rode me like a jockey.
Pools, raffles, card games -|I couldn't do anything.
It was like being in the army.
All right, come on, baby. Let's go!
Hi.
Finally, I got a break. They held|the division boxing finals at our post.
You couldn't stop people|from betting on it.
It was a toss-up.|Now, to me, that's just sloppy.
I like a sporting event in which I know the|outcome beforehand. It's more organised.
I get to one of the pugilists|and we reach a business accommodation.
For a 50-50 split of our winnings...
...he agrees to give less than|a supreme effort in the squared circle.
- You paid him to take a dive.|- Of course.
I had this corporal|working for me - Leo Cletz.
The night of the fight, I give him|the money to pay off my fighter.
Leo misunderstands and gives|the money to the other fighter.
This fighter's surprised, but figures "What|the heck? It's a good price. I'll go down. "
Meanwhile, my guy figures|"Bilko meant I'll get the money later. "
- "No problem. I'll go down anyway. "|- So both think they're takin' a dive?
- Exactly.|- What happened?
Boxing history.
For three rounds, nobody hit anybody.|It was a dance recital.
Finally, I think out of boredom,|one of the guys connected with a right.
What the hell's goin' on here?
Lieutenant Thorn took it|as a personal insult.
- You OK? Did it hurt?|- Very cute.
It looked like Thorn|was paying off the fighter.
He was cooked.
They didn't have enough evidence for|a court martial, but sent him to Greenland.
Game, set and match - Bilko.
- Some story, huh?|- Permission to speak freely?
- Again, permission. OK.|- You dealt with him very dishonestly.
Never mind that.|What happened to him? Thorn.
I don't know. I don't know|what happened to him.
Colonel John Hall, garrison commander.|Welcome to Fort Baxter, Major.
Doberman! Wake up!
Come on, everyone!|Up and at 'em!
Come on, guys, let's not miss|one minute of this beautiful day.
Hey!
- Get outta here!|- I'll get the sarge!
That's it. Now you guys|gonna be in trouble.
- Hey, Sarge! Get up.|- What's the matter?
Everybody take cover! Gather all the men!|Man the battle stations and...
What's that music?
I understand, Major, this weapon system|is in the experimental stage.
But I think you'll be very impressed|with the... noise it produces.
It's a powerful piece of equipment.
Colonel, I really urge you|not to go ahead with this.
Ah, Major Ebersole, Major Thorn.
Major Ebersole is the brain|behind the hovertank.
He's the one really responsible.
- Thank you, sir.|- Can we get on with this?
Of course. You good to go?
All right. Let's light this candle.
Hoo-ah!
You know, with all the base closings and|downsizing, people here have been jumpy.
Ready, Colonel.
This is exciting.
OK, start her up.
It still needs work.
Fire.
Of course.
Get out! Watch out!
Let's go, campers! It's 10am.|Time to start the day.
- Mornin', Sarge.|- It's that time of the decade.
- You're taking a shower.|- Do I have to?
Everyone feels pretty strongly about it.|Here's the petition.
Aw, Sarge.
Why are you sitting there?|You were full of energy at 6am.
I don't think the guys like me.
- Oh? What makes you say that?|- They wrote me a note.
"Wally, we don't like you. "|And they all signed it.
- Yeah, that's Doberman's "X".|- Can I please have another roommate?
- Why, what's the matter?|- He wet his bed.
- Oh, well, once in a while.|- No. He did it from across the room.
Major, please! At least|won't you stay for lunch?
- Do you like chicken casserole?|- No.
Well, Major, let me be frank.
A negative report from you would be|the death knell for Fort Baxter.
- We've been in a slump...|- Nine years without a successful test?
That's not a slump, that's a tradition.
But, Major, think for a minute|about the men, their careers.
- My career.|- Colonel, you play the hand you're dealt.
This isn't the career|I had in mind when I got out of OCS.
Shining a seat with my ass in DC,|visiting dumpy posts.
I thought I'd be a colonel by now|or maybe a general.
Sorry. What I saw today was a dust cloud|that cost $70 million. Good morning.
Wait! There's a lot more to|Fort Baxter than just R&D, Major.
- We have an award-winning commissary.|- Try the casserole.
And our softball team won|the division title.
And Sergeant Bilko's platoon|is in the glee club finals.
I'll certainly keep that in mind.
Did you say Bilko?
Yeah.
Is that Ernie Bilko?
One and the same.
Maybe I will stay for lunch.
Well, hoo-ah! Ignite that|chicken casserole, Captain Moon!
Yes, sir!
Now, where did that one go?
- Hey, you're eight over par, Sarge!|- Well, fix it.
- Sarge, they let you do this?|- I never asked. They'd say no.
It is an army post.
All right, I got 5-1 on Lover's Knot.
- $20 says I can hit the parking lot.|- I don't gamble.
- What is it you do do?|- Permission to speak...
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go ahead.
I get up every morning and I get dressed|to protect the American way of life.
Would you tell me that later tonight|so I don't have to take a sleeping pill?
Bilko!
It can't be.
Lieutenant Thorn.
- Actually, it's Major Thorn now.|- Well, congratulations.
I didn't know you were still in the service.|I'd have looked you up long ago.
I'll bet.
Tell me, Colonel, is he still|the same rascal he was at Fort Dix?
- That's one way of putting it.|- You changed my life.
Remember that little boxing match?
Boxing match... Hmm.
That made me a new man. You remember|how stiff and uptight I used to be?
Thanks to him, I realised|you can't treat people that way.
I'm a better man for it. Thanks, Ernie.
Sure.
- What was that?|- Greyhounds, sir.
- How long will you be with us, Major?|- Not long.
Colonel, what do you say|we have that casserole?
Absolutely, and some jellied yams as well.
Ha.
Let's get back to the barracks and cancel|everything-dances, raffles, everything.
God, I forgot it's the play-offs!
Sarge! Here's the money|from the blade rentals.
Stop, stop! Put that away!|Stop, everyone! Stop!
Ridin' along in my automobile
My baby beside me at the wheel
I stole a kiss at the turn of a mile
It's Hall with Major Thorn.|Looks like a surprise inspection.
An inspection? Now? Look at this place!
- ETA, 90 seconds.|- Think. Think.
I've got to think. Where's Alpha company?
Field exercises.
So we parked way out on the Kokomo
The night was young|and the moon was gold
So we both decided to take a stroll
Can you imagine the way I felt?
I couldn't unfasten her safety belt
Cruisin' and playin' the radio
With no particular place to go
Um, which way are we...
...facing here?
Uh, well... it would|have to be this one here.
Over hill, over dale|we have hit the dusty trail
As those caissons go rolling along
And it's hi, hi, hee in the field artillery
Bilko.
Ten-hut, platoon!
- Major Thorn wants to see the barracks.|- An inspection?
I wish we had a little more time.|We're not prepared.
It just gives me a thrill to see what a|first-rate top kick can do with a platoon.
- Why don't they stand by their rooms?|- Certainly. Sergeant?
Really, sir, if the glee club misses|practice, I won't be responsible...
- I said now!|- Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut!
- Is this your room, soldier?|- Yes, sir.
Follow me.
Who's this?
It's the cast of my favourite TV show, sir:|The African-American Hour.
Oh? I've never heard of it.
It's on cable. See, it's funny,|but it also makes you think.
Ah. Hm.
Are these yours?
It is my understanding that you can|no longer ask me these questions, sir.
It's a new army, Major.
We're all adjusting.
- Whose bunk is this?|- Uh, mine, sir.
- That corner is not squared off!|- What? I told you to make this bunk!
Now, I don't want any of your excuses!|Now, drop and give me 20! Ha!
All right. One. We're going for one.
Colonel, you're a very courageous man.
Oh! I saw a little combat duty in Kor...
Courageous? What do you mean?
Thumbing your nose at army regulations.|But I guess your men come first.
- And 20.|- My men? First?
- What does he mean, Bilko?|- This soldier, sir.
I'd say he's about 50 pounds|over his maximum allowable weight.
What are the chances of that being|discovered and your being blamed?
Blamed?
Sergeant, I want him|at regulation weight in six weeks.
Yes, sir!
Adelaide, of course|we'll get married, sooner or later.
Nathan Detroit, after 14 years,|it is already too late to be sooner.
I'm from Rhode Island, where people|do not remain engaged for 14 years.
- They get married.|- Then why is it such a small state?
Miss Robbins. I don't get it.
Why would Adelaide stick around if he,|like, disses her all the time?
Doesn't she have any self-esteem?
Well, that's a very interesting question.
- Certainly is.|- Ernie! What are you doing here?
- Did you get the flowers I sent ya?|- No.
Darn. I'll call FedEx|and have 'em put a trace on it.
That's right, sweetheart.|Nathan's a hustler.
He's irresponsible,|and he's careless with the truth.
But the one thing he never lies about|is how much he cares for Adelaide.
See, that's his core, and she knows it.
OK, let's take a break for ten minutes.|And that was really good.
Wonderful.
Ernie, I've been thinking, and I don't think|we should see each other any more.
Sweetheart, you promised to go|to the Rusty Spur with me.
- You never give up, do you?|- Come on. Come on, sweetheart...
...go to the Rusty Spur with me.|It'd be like old times.
All right, but you've got 30 days.|If this finger is still naked in 30 days...
...it's adios, Pepe.
I mean it this time.|This is your last chance.
Major. I'm Lieutenant Oster and this is...
Lieutenant Monday. We're here|from the Inspector General's Office, sir.
I asked for the best number crunchers|in the army! I hope that's what they sent!
- If there's been any malfeasance...|- Or embezzlement...
We will find it.
This guy we're going after's|been feeding off the khaki tit for years.
He's a master sergeant.|His name is Ernie Bilko. Get him!
- Forget it, Bilko.|- But, sir, the moment my boys heard...
...about the desert manoeuvre,|they volunteered.
We still haven't got over|being left out of Desert Storm.
How the orders got crisscrossed,|I'll never know.
But if we could go on these manoeuvres,|it would make up, in some small way...
You must think I'm a nincompoop.
A nincompoop? An NCP?|On the contrary, sir.
- I think you're one of the finest...|- Las Vegas.
- What, sir?|- The desert manoeuvre will take place...
...15 miles from Las Vegas, Nevada.
Really? I had no idea. Won't that be fun?
- Lake Mead, Hoover Dam.|- Forget it. You've got bigger problems.
Two hatchet men -|excuse me, hatchet persons -
...from the Inspector General's Office|came to audit the motor pool accounts.
- I wonder who tipped them off?|- Yes, I wonder.
Fort Baxter. How may I|direct your call? Motor pool?
Listen, Bilko, I might tell you this whole|post is skating on thin ice with hot blades.
Don't let them find anything.
- Is the colonel suggesting a cover-up?|- A cover-up?
Why, no. Is there... anything to cover up?
No... sir.
Good. Then I'm not suggesting one.
Just do... whatever it is you do|to make these things go away.
I can't help myself
Bad habits
I'm runnin' wild
Lost control
Well, I must confess
Cos I can't repress
In the last two months you|billed the army for 72 windshields?
That was a mistake.|One of my men, Private Buttersworth...
...had a hairline crack in his glasses.
- A crack?|- Yes, a hairline crack.
So to him, it looked like|all the windshields were broken.
I transferred him right out.|That's the way I am.
She's crazy about you. Every time|you're not looking, she stares.
You just missed it.
Sergeant, in the past two days we've|found a number of possible irregularities.
- Now, if you can't produce receipts...|- She's staring at you again.
Oh, just missed it!
There.
...that a boy like me
Has got so many bad habits
I said, all of these bad habits
All of these bad habits
Nothing? You found nothing?
All my training tells me|he's hiding something.
Every time we're about to|find something...
- It dissolves.|- It's like trying to nail Jell-O to the wall.
- No. It's like watching a magician.|- He's got you watching his left hand...
And his right hand keeps pullin' rabbits!
Well, then, let's tie his hands.
Ernie, will you dance with me tonight?
That's up to you. Last time,|I accidentally stepped on your knee.
- What if they play our song?|- We have a song?
Don't you remember the first time we...?
Only you
How could I forget our song?|When they play it tonight...
...you and I will dance the most romantic|dance we've ever danced in our entire life.
- You promise?|- That's a promise from Ernest G Bilko.
Put some drive in your country
Keep country drivin' on
When the music gets you movin'
You know it can't be long
Baby, this is our night. Just us. Just|you and me. All night long. No soldiers.
- What do you wanna do?|- Let's shoot some pool.
- Oh, yeah.|- Hey, Sarge. You're late!
- We want to celebrate the audit with ya.|- Those bean counters didn't have a clue.
I know, I know. Sometimes|I'm so damn good I scare myself.
Just us, huh?
If you see her out tonight
And she tells you|that it's just the lights
That bring her here
And not her loneliness
That's what she says...
- I'll go get us a couple of drinks.|- OK.
...every word she says
A scorpion and a brandy alexander.
That's what she says...
The future|Mrs "Permission to Speak Freely"?
Oh, no. I mean, I don't know her.|I never even... I don't know her.
Thank you very much, everybody.|we'll be back in just a couple of minutes.
- I'll introduce ya.|- You know her?
- No.|- She's with someone.
A detail.
- Ah, you must be in Bravo company.|- No, Charlie company.
- Charlie Company! Haven't you heard?|- What?
You're shipping out -|Operation Vacuum Cleaner.
- Operation...|- Shh!
I want his name. I want it known|that in this moment of crisis...
...this man chose to sit here|and eat bar nuts.
- I didn't know!|- Go ye into the night! Hut, hut, hut, hut!
All right. Now I'll settle this.
- Hmm.|- Excuse me?
You were right. Those are|the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen.
- Did he say that?|- Oh, yeah.
He said your eyes were like diamonds|sparkling on a summer night.
The old sergeant's eyes didn't see what|he saw. Anyway, here's the $20 I bet you.
I think the least you can do is sit down|and buy this young lady some dinner.
Sit down and buy dinner! Go! Hey!
Ah, to be young again.
- That's my sergeant.|- Oh.
Oh! Major Ebersole, boys.|Welcome to the Spur.
Oh, I've been here before.|Uh... five years ago.
I had... a scotch and soda.
Good. A place like this|depends on repeat business.
They're repainting our club, so we had to|move our weekly poker game down here.
Poker. I've heard wonderful things|about that game. Can I watch?
- You don't play poker?|- I'm pretty busy at the motor pool...
...up to my elbows in grease. Maybe|I could join... Oh, no, there's a problem.
I don't have any change.
We can make change. It's OK.
Oh, goody. I get to play cards.
...long way home just to think of an alibi
Well, I couldn't think of a dozen things
That hadn't already...
- Get you somethin'?|- Scotch, rocks. Good-looking woman.
That's Bilko's girl.
Now she looks even better.
I'm dealing you five cards.
- Five cards. Let me write this down.|- Yeah, OK.
Now, the worst hand that you can have...
...is if you only have one high card|and nothing else that matches.
- But then comes a pair.|- A pair. How exciting. A pair.
Only you
Can make this world seem right
Oh, thanks. Have you seen Ernie?
- No, I haven't.|- Will you hold this a second?
- Sure.|- Thanks.
Excuse me. Have you guys seen Ernie?
- No.|- No.
Ernie?
Ernie!
I have three jacks and two sixes.|What's that called again?
- A full house.|- What a cute name. A full house.
- Is that good?|- Yes, that means you win.
- Again.|- Oh, God, this is almost embarrassing.
What is that? Five in a row?
What a lovely watch.|Now, let's see. We'll just shuffle.
Oops. Clumsy me.
- OK. Cut? Thank you.|- Hey!
Sorry. All right. OK.
You are my destiny
Oh. You hear that song?|It means I gotta go.
Gee, I feel bad.|Can't I give some of this back?
No, that would be wrong, wouldn't it?
All right, well, I'll just take these IOUs...
...and the pink slip, and you can cash me|out and I'll see you back at the base.
- Ernie!|- Good evening, sir.
Excuse us, Major.
Listen, I don't know why, but the colonel's|decided to climb all over your sorry butt.
I'm afraid the party's over, Ernie.
Get back to the post. I'd like to see your|men on the parade ground at 0500 hours.
- Yes, sir. Weather permitting.|- What permitting?
Who said that?
It's payback time, Bilko.
If it's all the same to you,|I'll tell my girlfriend we're leaving.
It's not all the same to me, Bilko.|Move it! Hut, hut, hut! Hut, hut, hut, hut!
You are my destiny
This solves nothing.
This solves everything.
You haven't seen someone called|Ernie Bilko, have you?
Oh, yes. He left a few minutes ago.
- Are you sure?|- Yep, I definitely saw him go, in a hurry.
You see, I happen to know|Major Ebersole offered him a poker game.
You're my dream come true
My one and only you
I can drop you off|on my way back to the post.
- This is very nice of you.|- Not at all.
May I ask you...
...could I call on you sometime?|- Oh, well, you see, I'm...
I just broke up with someone.
- He must be devastated.|- Oh... he doesn't know yet.
Fall in! Arrgh! And gather!|Gather in... in a square! All right.
Good!
All right, you've seen real soldiers before.|Just... do what they do.
All right, let's do the|"grab the rifle by the bottom" thing!
Arrgh!
All right! Now, let's do the,|you know, the shoulder thing!
Arrgh! The shoulder thing!|Ah! Arrgh! Arrgh! Yes.
All right. And now the... the|"showing the rifle for the inspection" bit.
Go! Arrgh! Arrgh!
Well, my feet can't fail me now|My feet can't fail me now
My feet can't fail me now|My feet can't fail me now
My feet can't fail me now|My feet can't fail me now
Go, go, go, go!
Dobie, come on! Come on, buddy.
My feet can't fail me now|My feet can't fail me now
My feet can't fail me now|My feet can't fail me now
My feet can't fail me now|My feet can't fail me now
My feet can't fail me now|My feet can't fail me now
Said feet can't fail me now|My feet can't fail me now
My feet can't fail me now|My feet can't fail me now
My feet can't fail me now|My feet can't fail me now
No. Nope.
I'm just so damn proud.
My feet can't fail me now|My feet can't fail me now
My feet can't fail, fail, fail, fail me now
I can barely move my legs
I can barely move my legs
Do me a favour and kill me now
Do me a favour and kill me now
Something, something rhymes with legs
Something, something rhymes with legs
My life is over anyhow
- Sarge!|- Sarge! He's killing us!
- I can't do this.|- What's the matter with you people?
Generation X!
- He's killin' us!|- You've all gone soft!
- Get serious, Sarge!|- I am serious.
I've been thinking about this.|You're Bilko's platoon!
Whatever they dish out, we can take.
I want to see you two in my quarters.
- Oh!|- Sarge.
I'm paralysed.|I have no feeling from the hair down.
Make the bad man stop.
- Who are you calling?|- Rita. Her voice will make me feel better.
Ow. Ow, ow, ow.
If any of this is frightening,|just hold onto me.
They're dancing Raisinets.
And you don't find that frightening?
Let's work
Be proud
Stand tall
- Sarge? Sarge.|- What's the matter?
I put on three pounds.
Funny, it doesn't show.|Luis! This calls for plan A.
That won't work. He's on his way over.|He says if I can't do ten push-ups...
...he's gonna move me out.
All right! Plan B.
Major Thorn, you look fantastic, sir!|Have you lost w...
Good work, Doberman!
So, John, if you spoke to the officers|and their wives, it would mean a lot.
They keep hearing rumours|that Fort Baxter will be shut down.
Frankly, sweetheart, after this hovertank|disaster, I don't know what might happen.
Oh, dear. I didn't realise it was that bad.
Well, you will think of something.|I have complete faith in you.
Thank you.
- Sorry, I didn't realise you had company.|- Quite all right, Bilko.
Colonel, you didn't tell me|there was a movie star here.
Sharon Stone! The men will be so excited.
- Bilko.|- We've seen all your movies.
- They're a little racy for me.|- Sergeant Bilko...
You know this is Mrs Hall.
Mrs Hall! Cradle robber. You were|dazzled by an older man, is that it?
- Bilko!|- Yes, my colonel?
John, I will see you later.
Right this way, Miss Stone. Uh... Mrs Hall.
- What is it, Sergeant?|- Sir, if I could ask you again.
- These desert manoeuvres...|- You can go.
If you'd seen the look on the men's faces|when I said we wouldn't...
- I said I've changed my mind.|- Zimmerman...
...I had to cradle him in my... We can go?
- Have a safe trip, Sergeant.|- Yes, sir. We'll make you proud, sir.
Oh, sure.
Bright light city gonna set my soul
Gonna set my soul on fire
Viva Las Vegas
Viva Las Vegas
There's blackjack and poker|and the roulette wheel
All you need's a strong heart|and a nerve of steel
Viva Las Vegas
Viva Las Vegas
Viva Las Vegas
Viva Las Vegas with your neon flashing
Sarge, you're crying.
It's just... so beautiful.
Viva, viva, Las Vegas
All right, soldiers. Prepare for manoeuvres!
I killed an afternoon convincing|Colonel Dunderhead he'd be in trouble...
...if Bilko didn't go on the manoeuvres.
You've got three days|to get into this computer.
Find me everything.
If he stole a match,|I want to know about it.
I'm goin' to party town
Yeah, yeah
I wanna party down
Yeah, yeah
I wanna have some fun|I'm gonna fool around
I'm goin' to party town
Right here in party town
Yeah, yeah
They really party down
Yeah, yeah
Man, it's a party town
Yeah, yeah
- Where we goin'?|- Craps.
Think of the changes you wanna make|when we own this place.
Hey, Sarge, I was thinkin',|is it safe for us to be off the base?
- Thorn will be up to somethin'.|- You just thought of that?
Relax. Before we left, I had Luis encrypt|the files. It'll take 'em years to break in.
We're in.
Good job.
Now, how far back do you want us to go?
You two kids have just been sensational.
Why don't you knock off|for the rest of the evening?
And do what?
- Have fun. Unwind.|- Hm.
- Well, shall I...?|- No, leave it on for a second.
I'd just like to check on one or two things,|just out of curiosity.
Well, good night.
Good night.
I think it was very exciting,|the way you broke into that computer.
- It was?|- Yes!
- Can I buy you a drink?|- Why, yes.
Oh, oh, oh! There they go!
Oh, my. All right.
Oh! Ouch! They're hot! They're hot.|Quick, quick, cool 'em off.
Press the six and the eight|and the black ten.
- All right, here we go. Now...|- Oh, he's shakin' 'em off.
Uh-oh, he's comin' with the pitch.|It looks like the high, hard one!
Ooh, baby! Oh, good.
Gently. OK, and now, it's just a little...|It's easy, it's easy, it's easy.
It's just... behind the back.
Winner! We have a winner.
Wait a minute. This chip is scratched.
- Mr Bilko.|- Yes?
That's quite a run.|Is there anything we can do for you?
Yes, go to your vault and tell your money|to be patient. We'll be together soon.
You mean he stood you up|before that night at the Rusty Spur?
Mm-hm. He left me standing at the altar.
There can be no excuse for that.
You'd be surprised. He had a new excuse|every time. They were all pretty amazing.
- He did that more than once?|- Mm-hm.
Rita, you have a lot of love to give.
And you're smart.|Why put up with a clown like that?
Because it was exciting. With Ernie,|every day was anything-can-happen day.
Some couples play Scrabble.
This isn't a game we're talking about -|it's your life.
Where I come from, when you tell|a woman you'll marry her, you mean it.
You know something? I would never|stand you up. I'd never not call you.
But then, I'm an officer with career|prospects. I can handle responsibility.
I guess you can.
Wouldn't you like a man|who's there for you?
A man who wants to get married,|settle down and have a family.
Yes.
I bought you this.
A ring!
Two carats of cubic zirconia.
It's beautiful.
Oh...
This is happening... too fast.
I don't want to hurt Ernie.
No.
We really don't want to hurt Ernie.
- That's when Vegas was Vegas.|- Excuse me, Mr Bilko?
- He said it was an emergency.|- This must be the Pentagon.
Hello? I can hardly hear you.
Rita Robbins. She's been out|with that guy Thorn every night.
- Thorn?|- Since before you went on manoeuvres.
Tomorrow night they're going out to|that fancy French restaurant in Roseville.
She's lookin' pretty weak, Ernie,|I gotta tell ya. Like she would do anything.
- Thanks, Sowicki.|- Bye, Ernie.
- Thank you, Stan.|- Hey, thank you!
For allowing me|to screw with Bilko's head.
Oh, it isn't a game this time, Stan.
I just need to find out|how much he really loves me.
- He loves you plenty.|- More than Las Vegas?
That's asking a lot.
Hi, this is Rita. I'm not in|right now. Please leave a message.
Rita, it's me, Ernie. I'm on my way home.|I hear you're seeing Thorn...
...and I just don't want you to take it too|seriously. He's only with you to annoy me.
I see. He couldn't possibly be interested|in me-that would be ridiculous.
Rita, you're there.|This guy has terrible qualities.
- For one thing, he's very manipulative.|- He seemed nice to me. Goodbye.
Hello? Hello?
Rita? Rita?
Why do you smell the cork?
Your eyes are hazel, aren't they?
Green.
I never have sex on the first date.
Thank God, it's our third. Oh, this is such|a... Oh, can't you just smell that... salad?
Yes, I have a reservation.
Ah, this must be the table. You know,|what they do very well here is the garlic.
Oh, I touched you.|My temperature is rising.
Waiter, could we have two glasses|of red house, uh... s'il vous please?
In.
Bilko. What a fool.
Yeah.
How can he afford to eat here|on a sergeant's pay?
- I'll be a lieutenant colonel very soon.|- No kidding?
- That woman's kind of attractive too.|- You think so?
Well, not compared to you, of course.
Anyway, I understand|the oysters here are...
...very, uh, very, uh... imported.
- Just get me out of here fast.|- Relax, Paparelli.
If you wanna make Rita jealous,|why not use Barbella?
She knows Barbella. I needed someone|she can't recognise. Someone alluring.
Thank you.
Ah! Well, it's Rita Robbins|and Major Thorn! Ah! A-ha-ha, aha.
Um, excuse me. One moment.
She's coming over? She's coming over?
Ernie, you made Paparelli|get into drag just to make me jealous?
Well, actually, he was already in drag.|Paparelli, scram! Get going.
Rita, you can't marry Thorn.|You don't love him.
Think of the children.|You're a Catholic and he's an asshole!
How would you raise them? And he's|already cheating on you with Paparelli.
Hi, soldier boy.
Sowicki never told you|I was marrying Thorn.
You told Sowicki to call me.|You manipulated me. How could you?
Why not? I have a master's in|manipulation from the University of Bilko.
You tricked me. You sucked me in.
This is the most turned on|I've ever been in my life.
Rita, I'm so glad|we're back together again.
Twelve more days.
No wonder the hovertank never worked.
Yes, sir. He's been diverting research|funds into his own private account.
For all the differences I've had with Bilko|over the years, I've always liked him.
The way he kept up the men's morale.
The way he'd pretend to cry when I went|on leave. The way, on my birthday...
...he'd have the men mow my name in|the main lawn with a big heart around it.
- But now there'll be a court martial.|- Yes, sir.
- Unless...|- Unless?
It's just that I know we'd both|do anything to spare Bilko a court martial.
If he could just be quietly punished.
Yeah, sure.
But... but how?
The CO has certain powers, sir.
- Powers?|- Can't he, for instance, have a soldier...
...trans...
Trans... atlantic?
Trans... vestite?
- Transferred!|- What a wonderful idea.
Yes, well, the wheels are always spinning.
It'd have to be somewhere where there'd|be no chance of him making trouble again.
Greenland?
He's been out walking|by himself for, like, four hours.
- What's he doin'?|- He's thinkin'.
- I thought I heard him crying.|- He even asked for a box of tissues.
I guess you're happy.
Yeah. He hated the sarge.|He was probably helping Thorn to get him.
- I was not!|- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
This is Bilko we're|talkin' about here. Bilko!
Nobody gets the best of Bilko. Come on!
- That's right.|- He'll think of somethin'.
Remember when I got the letter from|my wife sayin' she wanted to break up?
- Remember what Bilko did?|- He got your wife back?
No, he got me another wife. A better wife!
- Yeah!|- He'll come up with his best plan ever.
Listen, I pity Major Thorn.|When Bilko gets done with him...
- Sarge!|- Ten-hut!
Hey, Sarge!
- Sarge!|- Sarge! You've come back!
Ah, Doberman. The son I never wanted.
Fall in and look this way!
Hello, soldiers.
I'm talking to you.|Because that's what you are really.
Soldiers, every last one of you -|with a couple of exceptions.
- He's got a plan.|- He sure does.
I wanna tell you a little story.|There was once a little boy...
...and that little boy had a dream to run|one of the most sophisticated...
...illegal gaming operations|the US Army has ever seen.
- He's not worried.|- Not a bit.
And that little boy's dream came true.
But now they're trying to|snatch that dream back from him.
- He is worried.|- That's not good.
But what are the last two letters|in the name Bilko? K-O!
Of course, the first are B-I-L,|which is meaningless.
But still, am I giving up? No! Never!|Well, kind of, but not really...
...because there is no way|I am going to Greenland.
Well, you're probably wondering|if I have a plan.
Well, of course I have a plan!|A P-L-A-N. Plan.
But...
- He's got no plan.|- We're screwed.
- I have a plan, Sarge.|- But maybe a plan is not what I need!
What I really need is just a little puppy.
A little puppy with big, brown eyes|who'll just come to me and lick my face...
...and just love me so much,|no matter what kind of person I am.
Sarge, I really do have a plan.
Oh, so now you have a plan.|Well, let's hear your plan, Wally.
What if the hovertank did work? That'd|prove you haven't diverted the money.
Oh! That is so stup... What?
That would prove you hadn't been|diverting the money. Wouldn't it?
Are you saying you can get|the hovertank to work?
No, of course not. But we don't need to|hold four aces if they think we hold 'em.
Permission to speak freely?
Tell me a bit more about this plan,|because I think that's actually...
If they come, deny everything.|Just act dumb.
Fender, I'm putting you in charge of that.
I love the nightlife, I like to boogie
I like to rock all night long
Ahem.
Oh... it's you, Bilko.
Sir, if I could talk with you|just for a moment.
If you've come to talk about Greenland,|you're wasting your time.
Frankly, Sergeant, I'm disappointed.
Sir, all I ever wanted was an honest|week's pay for an honest day's work.
- I didn't steal money, sir.|- Please, Bilko.
Let's just say goodbye.
And thank you.
- For what, sir?|- Well, for...
...always making me feel like|I actually ran this place.
Good old Fort Baxter.
I guess your garden|is one of the things you'll miss most.
Ah, yes. I love...
- Miss? Why miss?|- The colonel hasn't heard?
- In that case, it must not be true.|- What? Uh... they're closing Fort Baxter?
You didn't hear it from me.
Take good care of yourself in...|I've said enough.
Have you heard where they're sending me?
- You're stepping on your flowers.|- The hell with them! Where?
- Where are they sending me?|- It's just rumour, sir.
Oh, that fair skin|under the burning desert sun...
Oh, my God. The desert sun.
Remember, if you get lost, travel by night.
- How can they do this to me?|- The hovertank test was the last straw.
Too bad they didn't schedule it this week.
Well...
- Goodbye.|- Wha...? Wait!
- You mean the hovertank is working?|- Oh, I know what you're thinking, sir:
..."Arrange a public demonstration ASAP."
"Call the Pentagon|and the Department of the Army. "
- All right.|- I've already taken that liberty, sir.
- Thank you.|- Oh, that picture of you...
...standing triumphant at the test.
That'll keep me warm|on those lonely nights in Greenland.
In Greenland, sir.
Oh. Yes.
Well, goodbye.
- Ah, Bi...|- Yes, sir?
If the test goes well,|you won't be transferred.
Well, thank you, sir! I'm stunned!
Just as a formality,|I've put that in writing.
If you could just sign here|and here, and initial here.
- Here?|- Uh, no. Here.
And I'll just notarise that.
- And I'll waive the usual ten-dollar fee.|- Oh. Thank you.
Here you are. Good day.
No, it'll hover. But as before...
...it will go completely haywire|if we attempt to fire the cannon.
We know that. We just need|a couple of hours with it.
- Let's get started.|- It's a $70-million piece of equipment.
You think I'm gonna allow|one of your men to fool around with it?
- I think not.|- Oh. Mm-hm.
Oh, boy. Oh, my, is it hot in here or what?
What's this? Oh!|I almost forgot I had these.
It's the IOUs from the poker game.
- Would he like to use my tools?|- That would be nice.
- You saw it?|- Yeah, it blew up the ammunition shed.
- A perfect hit.|- The hovertank?
- I thought that thing was busted.|- Yeah, it was.
But the kid, Wally, he fixed it.
He said the key was the...
The...?
The fire-control|and super-elevator board.
- Imagine that.|- Yeah, the super-elevator board.
And the great thing is, if it works|at the demonstration, Bilko gets to stay.
Great!
Yeah.
- Wonderful to see you again, General.|- You, too, Colonel. Mrs Hall.
- And, of course, you know Major Thorn.|- Thorn.
- Tank crew ready, sir.|- Very good, Bilko. General.
Master Sergeant Bilko.|It's an honour to meet you.
- You look terrific! Have you lost weight?|- Who is this?
Members of Congress, General Tennyson,|colleagues from the defence industries...
...distinguished guests, welcome.
The weapon system|you are about to see today...
...can be called the world's first|truly all-terrain assault vehicle...
...which I'm proud to say was developed|entirely in-house, here at Fort Baxter.
I give you the armoured attack platform|to lead American defence forces...
...into the 21st century.|The HTX-1 hovertank.
Water and rough terrain can stop|an ordinary M1 or APC...
...but the hovertank can literally rise|above these obstacles.
And that is the capability|we will show you here today.
Hovertank, you are looking good.
Hovertank, fire when ready. Hoo-ah!
Ha. This little bird packs a deadly punch.
Fire in the hole!
- You hit the wrong button, Rastahead!|- It's not my fault! He wired it wrong!
Any questions?
Congratulations, honey.
- Home run, sir!|- Thank you, Captain.
- We'll rush this baby into production.|- Thank you.
Jack, I thank you|on behalf of a grateful nation.
I just can't wait to see|what you fellas come up with next.
Wait! Wait. The demonstration was rigged.
Ah, do I see politics in your future, sir?|Perhaps a run at the Oval Office?
I've never given that serious consideration.
Wait! General! He faked it!
Didn't you see the gun was aimed|at target three, but blew up target four?
Yes, I did.
If you remember|Einstein's theory, space is curved.
- Yes.|- And these are smart weapons.
Oh, cut the crap! He faked it.|It's just one of his scams.
That's a serious charge.|Colonel, what about this?
General, in all my years in the service...
...I have never, not once,|publicly berated a fellow officer.
But I realise now that from the moment|Major Thorn set foot on Fort Baxter...
...he engaged in a personal vendetta|against Master Sergeant Bilko.
I find his conduct inexcusable, and will|recommend an article 32 investigation.
- I see.|- You don't understand.
He doesn't know what's going on. This|sergeant leads him around by the nose!
Major! You are the most|insubordinate officer I have ever met.
I'm telling you, he's a boob! He doesn't|get it! They faked the whole thing!
I'd like to see just one piece of evidence|to support these idiotic allegations.
Idiotic, huh? How's this for evidence? The|fire-control and super-elevator board.
I took it out last night,|so how can it work?
So you deliberately|sabotaged this project, Major?
I got it all on tape.
Lucky.
- Whoo!|- Yeah, celebration time.
Chin-chin.
Because I know Pap knew it,|and I... Stand, troops!
- You're in the presence of a genius.|- Hoo-ah!
You're a total kingpin. You got Thorn|to sabotage something that didn't work!
Yeah, well, I couldn't have done it without|our Wally. Where is he, where is the lad?
Here, Sarge.
I was just resetting|the colonel's odometer.
- I told you Wally was all right.|- OK. Glee club.
Oh, well.
Only you, only you, only you
Can make this change in me
Only you
You are my destiny
Destiny
When you hold my hand,|I understand the
Magic that you do,|magic that you do
Ooh, you're my dream come true
My one and only
You
Hum
Hum
It's only you
Very nice.
Aw, get up, Bilko.
Marry me, Rita. I know I'm a long shot,|but sometimes long shots pay off big.
Don't even ask. I forgot it was|daylight-savings time. Can you believe it?
Well, better late than never.
- Poker?|- All right.
Nickel ante.
Let's make it interesting.|One hand of showdown.
If I win, we get married.
Ernie, I don't think|that's such a good idea.
I've never known you to chicken out|of a game, whatever the stakes.
You're on.
Well, well, well, what do you know?
- Full house. Jacks over threes.|- You cheated!
- No, and we're getting married!|- When?
Now!
Daddy!
- Ow!|- Dearly beloved, we are gathered here...
...to witness the joining of these|two good people in holy matrimony.
Rita Robbins, do you take Ernest Bilko|to love, honour and cherish...
...for richer or poorer...|- Think we're moving too fast?
- I do.|- Let's go!
- Do you, Ernest Bilko, take Rita...|- Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do.
By the power vested in me, I pronounce|you husband and wife. You may ki...
Ah.
Doo, doo-doo,|doo, doo, doo, doo
Livin' in the USA
Doo, doo-doo,|doo, doo, doo, doo
Livin' in the USA
Where are you goin' to?
What are you gonna do?
Do you think that it will be easy?
Do you think that it will be pleasin'?|Hey, hey, what'd you say?
I won't pay, I'd rather play
It's my freedom|Ah, don't worry about me, babe
I got to be free, babe
Hey, hey, hey, yeah
Doo, doo-doo,|doo, doo, doo, doo
Livin' in the USA
Doo, doo-doo,|doo, doo doo, doo
Livin' in the USA
Hey, we're gonna make it, baby
Yeah, we got to shake it, baby
Hey, gonna break it, girl,|yeah, yeah, yeah, girl
Come on, baby, hey
Oh, hey
Oh, hey
In the USA, baby
Doo, doo-doo,|doo, doo, doo, doo
Livin' in the USA
Don't worry about me, babe
Doo, doo-doo,|doo, doo, doo, doo
Livin' in the USA|Livin' in the USA
Doo, doo-doo,|doo, doo, doo, doo
Livin' in the USA
I got to be free
Livin' in the USA
This is WBXT,|the voice of Fort Baxter.
All personnel are invited to join|Sergeant Bilko in the motor pool...
...for a demonstration|of proper spark-plug maintenance...
...today at 0420, 0530 and 1455.
Those times again. 0420, 0530 and 1455.
- Did you win?|- Nope.
Private Wally Holbrook|reporting for duty.
- First assignment?|- Yes.
- Relax. Know where you're assigned?|- Motor pool.
- OK. Motor pool?|- Yes, I...
- You're going straight to the colonel.|- Colonel? What'd I do?
- How old are you, son?|- Nineteen, sir.
Nineteen... So young.
I'm a first-rate mechanic.|My two uncles owned a garage.
- Got any money?|- Yes, sir.
- Give it to me.|- But...
It's all right.
- My word, there must be $500 in here.|- 700. See, I worked at my uncle's...
You're going to take $700|in cash into Bilko's barracks?
- Yes, sir. Who, sir?|- Give me your hat, please.
Sergeant Bilko.|Master Sergeant Ernest G Bilko.
- Well, good luck. And Godspeed.|- Thank you, sir.
Remember, if you need anything|at all, need any help...
...the old colonel's door is always open.|- Thank you, sir.
Sir?
- I'm lookin' for Sergeant Bilko.|- You're too late, junior, no more bets.
- No, no, no. I'm reporting in.|- Come on, Duane! Pull!
Dig deep, baby!
Come on! Come on!
Come on! Come on!
He's got the wrong shoes!|Doberman's wearing the wrong shoes.
He's got no traction. And this horse!
This horse was not this lively this|morning. I want it drug tested now!
Someone, quick.|Get a urine bottle and a mop.
Hey! What's goin' on?
It's Private Doberman. He's the one|who looks sort of human.
Last night in the gym, Doberman said|"I feel as strong as a horse. "
Some guy from company P overheard him|and said "Yeah? For how much?"
It's the golden rule. You don't say nothing|unless you're prepared to back it up.
No, no, not across the line.|Don't go across. Back. Just, back. Back.
- Are you OK, Duane?|- Sarge, I can't do this any more!
You did your best, Duane.|What's money, anyway?
So, Bilko, I finally won one. Pay up.
- Hurry up.|- Oh, so now we're on a schedule?
- Shall we go once more?|- Sarge! Please, no more. No more, Sarge.
Don't worry. I won't put you|through that again.
- He's finished. He's a loser.|- No one calls one of Bilko's men a loser.
I oughta... Hold me back! Aah.|No, no! Let me go! I'll kill him.
- You wanna double the bet?|- Double the bet? Ha! You're serious.
- Sarge, no.|- What's the matter, Ernie? Scared?
Sarge, please. That's all|the platoon's money-every cent.
This is beyond money now. This is|a matter of honour. OK, the bet is 1,000.
Sucker.
Yeah!
Hey, you can't do that, man.
- Ready, Duane?|- Sure, Sarge.
See? He was just rollin' up the bet.
He's like a god.
Duane! Duane! Duane!
Duane! Duane! Duane!|Duane! Duane! Duane!
Yeah! Yeah!
Walk him around and wipe him down.
Not the horse! Doberman.
Listen, that M2 Bradley vehicle|is property of the US Army.
I want it back on the post by tonight.|We have rules! Rules and regulations.
I have your rental agreement right here.
And if you blow anything up,|it's coming out of your deposit.
Teenagers! So irresponsible.
- Sarge, you said I could count the take.|- She got to count it last time.
Will you stop fighting?|It's like I'm running a daycare centre.
Actually, that's not a bad idea.|We could keep 'em in the storeroom.
- Luis, how many kids on the post?|- Personal dependants under five?
- 293.|- Get me the total of their allowances.
- Hey, in the storeroom? Kids?|- Zimmy, they won't die.
In fact, that'll be our motto:|"They won't die. "
I'll count the money. Rocky, make sure|the horse gets back to Knott's Berry Farm.
Private First Class Holbrook, Walter T,|reporting in for duty, Sergeant!
Sarge, Holbrook is a tech-school terror.
First in his class,|motor-vehicle maintenance.
A real live wrench-turner|in the motor pool?
It's so crazy, it just might work.|I'll introduce you to the boys and girls.
What's the matter, Sarge?
Don't you smell it? It's money.
This is Sgt Henshaw and Sgt Barbella.|You'll see them about dances, raffles.
You'll get your tickets|through them. They run the shop.
So if you need stationery, magazines...|But not magazine subscriptions.
See Morales about that. Towels...
- Towels? Doesn't the army issue towels?|- Army? Get him a set of towels.
The fluffy ones.|The introductory price. Come on.
Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen.
This is Dino Paparelli.|You're gonna laugh, you're gonna cry.
You're gonna love|this scrappy little Italian.
- Hiya.|- Sam Fender. His motto in life is simple:
..."An indictment is not a conviction. "|- Damn straight.
That's manly talk. Mickey Zimmerman.
Tragically, Zimmerman was born|without a personality.
- Hello.|- Luis Clemente.
This guy is smart, very smart.|He has an IQ.
- Hello.|- See what I mean?
Tony Morales. The only thing|you need to know about him...
...is he doesn't take showers|because it fogs up the mirror.
Finally, the man of the hour, the master|of disaster, the king of the universe -
...look out, girls, he hates to dine alone -|Private Duane Doberman!
Aw, Sarge.
Doberman doesn't take showers either,|but for a much more frightening reason.
My orders, Sergeant.
Everything seems to be in order.|Henshaw will take your bags.
Don't worry, he's bonded. Got a licence?
- A driver's licence?|- We can make one up.
- Henshaw, get the camera!|- No, no. I have a licence. It's right here.
My wallet.
Oh, here it is. Empty.|It's in your hat, isn't it?
Good boy. Oh. Oh, there must be six...|no, seven hundred dollars in here. Good.
Well, you can start with this.|The colonel's car.
- OK, what's wrong with it?|- It's the odometer.
It says 12,000 miles,|and it should say 11,000 miles.
Tony drove it to Lake Tahoe|to go to his grandmother's funeral.
- I'm sorry.|- When I say that...
...I mean "visit his niece". And|when I say "niece", I mean lady friend?
Look. I'm winking. Look at my eye.
- You want me to turn that back?|- Yes.
- I can't do that, Sergeant.|- "Can't"! He said "can't"!
Sarge, are you all right?
Hey, man, "can't" is a four-letter word|in this platoon.
I cannot violate regulations,|unless it's an order...
...in which case I would have to ask|Master Sergeant Bilko to sign said order.
I'm asking you to do Tony here a favour.|We're all like family here.
Any one of these men|would take a bullet for you.
- Well, not in the chest.|- No, not in the chest, but in the thigh.
- Permission to speak freely?|- What, are we in Russia? Say anything.
You're soldiers. Guardians of freedom.
And frankly, I don't think there's a man|here taking his service oath seriously.
You know what? I'm gonna kill him.
Fender!
Now, this is the stuff|they should be teaching in the army.
- They are.|- No kidding?
Here's a mouldy oldie|for all our friends in the motor pool.
Ridin' along in my automobile
My baby beside me at the wheel
I stole a kiss at the turn of a mile
Brass!
My curiosity runnin' wild
Cruisin' and playin' the radio
With no particular place to go
Ridin' along in my automobile
I was anxious to tell her the way I feel
So I told her softly and sincere
And she leaned and whispered in my ear
Cuddlin' more and drivin' slow
With no particular place to go
- Sarge, where can we hide the horse?|- What horse?
All right, men! Faster.|The army needs these vehicles.
Bilko?
Sergeant.
Sergeant Bilko!
Fall in, men, now! And get|into a semicircle or a rectangle, now!
Hut! Hey!
Very good. As you were.
He means go back to|what you were doing.
Colonel Hall, you look fantastic, sir.|Have you lost weight?
Why, a couple of pounds maybe.
Nell and I have been|"sweating to the oldies".
- Ah.|- Sergeant, I'm here to see about my car.
Ah, well, I'm afraid|we're still working on it, sir.
- You've had it a week and a half.|- I thought I saw it on Interstate 30.
There. Thank God I have a witness.|Thank you, Captain Moon.
And the colonel thinks|I never test-drive the vehicles.
What is that?
That's horse shit, sir. I tell the men|"You have to test-drive... "
- What's it doing there?|- It keeps the flies off the food.
There's no way you can tell|what's wrong with an engine...
- Off the food?|- It's an experiment.
I'd say the results are mixed.
It's a lot cheaper than|sending out for it, sir.
And fresher too.
Bilko, are you mental?|This is not the horse cavalry.
- You can't bring livestock onto the post.|- You're right, sir.
You heard the colonel. Assemble horse|platoon and get the horse out of here!
- All right, double-time, soldier.|- Sergeant, please, tell me about my car.
- Do you know anything about cars, sir?|- No.
Ah. Well, you see that|sort of pointy thing right there?
It seems that it's impinging on the|browned, round thing with the spots.
- You see, when Henry Ford first...|- Colonel Hall.
- Corporal, what is it?|- Permission to speak privately?
- Of course. Excuse me, Bilko.|- Absolutely.
- What is it, Corporal?|- The Pentagon called.
The Pentagon?|How did they get my number?
They're sending a team|to observe tomorrow's hovertank test.
- Why? It's just a preliminary... Aah.|- What is it, sir?
Well, they're closing|a lot of military facilities lately.
What if they're planning|to close Fort Baxter?
- Do you know anything about this?|- You flatter me.
- How could I, a mere master sergeant...?|- You know everything before I do.
I'm sure it's just routine, sir.|Anyway, come back any time. Call first.
I tell you, men, serving under|a great leader like Colonel Hall...
- He's gone.|- I'm hungry. What time is it?
12 o'clock. We ordered Chinese.
- Pentagon brass, Sarge? I don't like it.|- Relax. It's just army stuff.
It's got nothing to do with us.
- Did you say 12 o'clock?|- Yeah.
- Today's Saturday?|- All day.
Saturday at noon. I have a strange feeling|I'm supposed to be somewhere.
Hmm.
I'll kill him.
- Poker game?|- No, no.
- Racetrack.|- No, no. It was something else.
My, that's a lovely dress.
- Thank you, Reverend.|- Is it new?
No, I wore it the last time|the lying shit-heel stood me up.
Ah.
Give me the ring.|You were the best man last time.
- He didn't get married last time!|- It's my turn!
- How you gonna be best man?|- Just give me the ring!
- But you can't hate him, you know?|- I can hate him. I hate him right now.
Sweetheart...
Where are you going? Nobody leave.
You came to see me get married. You're|going to - I don't particularly care who to.
Sweetheart! I know you're upset...
Daddy, stay out of this.|I know what I'm doing.
- Nelson.|- Huh?
Are you busy? Will you|marry me? I love you.
I just never realised it until now.
Well, the thing is, Rita,|I'm engaged... to your sister.
And?
Don't ask. Don't even ask.
OK, ask.
Bunny face,|you won't believe what happened.
There was this busload of sweet geriatrics.|They went rolling down a mountain side...
Do you think I'm an idiot?
Ask Wally. He's new, a real straight arrow,|never told a lie in his life. Wally?
See?
Sweetheart, sweetheart...
Oh, baby... angel puff, you're overreacting!
- You know, it's... Ooh! Bad turnout.|- It was full an hour ago.
Oh, sweetie, I... I'm well!
Sweetie, what can I do|to make it up to you?
Whaddaya want? Just tell me.|I'll do anything.
I've been waiting for seven years.
What do I want? I want my seven years|back. I can't live like this, Ernie.
I've got a maid of honour|on call 24 hours a day.
And I'm the only woman with a wedding|dress that's falling apart from wear.
- I'm sorry.|- I think you love me, Ernie.
But you're so slippery, it's impossible|to know what you're thinking.
Well, thank you.
I don't understand|what you're so afraid of.
You know what I wanna do|right here, right now?
No. Don't.
No. No, not this time.
- Don't, please.|- One game, to 500.
Don't. Please don't.
Spade. It's a double.
Triple boxes, to 500. Penny a point.
- A four?|- Yes.
Oh, two. Yeah. Come on. Here. Go, go, go.
What's up?
Well, Rocky and I were talkin' to Wally|while you and Rita were in the church.
She's a nice girl.|We don't like the way you treat her.
He's right, Sarge.|You treat her like a rube.
- Wouldn't you be happier in the navy?|- You jilted that girl.
She'll probably have to|move to another town.
Will you relax? Rita and I|have a special relationship.
You think she expected me|to marry her today? Of course not.
She expected me to do|just what I did. It's a game.
Someday you might lose that game, Ernie.
Very good, men. Make sure it's tight.
- Tight?|- Whatever.
So, Major Ebersole,|tomorrow's the big day.
- How's she look?|- I hope it won't be too humiliating, sir.
What's supposed to happen?
Well, theoretically,|and I wouldn't bet the farm...
...the hovertank will lift off and hover|several inches above the pond.
- Good. Very good.|- Yeah. Then it will engage the targets...
...the... the cannon. Boom.|The ammunition dump. Kaboom.
That truck. Boom.
Excellent. One thought.|Maybe it should be: boom, boom...
...then kaboom.
You know, save that "kaboom" for the very|last? Kind of like a "hoo-ah" grand finale.
What do you think?
- I'll make a note of it, sir.|- Good.
- Missed me. Now run!|- Ow!
- Yeah. Gotcha.|- Hey, there goes the sarge, man.
Sarge!
- Hey, Dobie, come on, let's go.|- Sarge, you get married yet?
- Not yet.|- How did Rita take it this time?
Oh, she's happy. She took|40 bucks off me in a gin game.
Oh, she's great!
Paparelli. How's tickets goin' for the|"Meet Stormin' Norman" barbecue?
- It's a sellout, Sarge.|- Find a lookalike?
- We found one.|- Ahh.
No wonder they call me|a master sergeant.
You know, things weren't|always this good.
When I first got my stripes at Fort Dix,|I considered it my responsibility...
...to provide the hardworking men and|women with some wholesome recreation.
- You ran the gambling.|- That's right, Fender.
But there was this lieutenant there -|Lieutenant Colin Thorn.
A lunatic. I mean, real smooth on|the outside, but underneath, barbed wire.
He rode me like a jockey.
Pools, raffles, card games -|I couldn't do anything.
It was like being in the army.
All right, come on, baby. Let's go!
Hi.
Finally, I got a break. They held|the division boxing finals at our post.
You couldn't stop people|from betting on it.
It was a toss-up.|Now, to me, that's just sloppy.
I like a sporting event in which I know the|outcome beforehand. It's more organised.
I get to one of the pugilists|and we reach a business accommodation.
For a 50-50 split of our winnings...
...he agrees to give less than|a supreme effort in the squared circle.
- You paid him to take a dive.|- Of course.
I had this corporal|working for me - Leo Cletz.
The night of the fight, I give him|the money to pay off my fighter.
Leo misunderstands and gives|the money to the other fighter.
This fighter's surprised, but figures "What|the heck? It's a good price. I'll go down. "
Meanwhile, my guy figures|"Bilko meant I'll get the money later. "
- "No problem. I'll go down anyway. "|- So both think they're takin' a dive?
- Exactly.|- What happened?
Boxing history.
For three rounds, nobody hit anybody.|It was a dance recital.
Finally, I think out of boredom,|one of the guys connected with a right.
What the hell's goin' on here?
Lieutenant Thorn took it|as a personal insult.
- You OK? Did it hurt?|- Very cute.
It looked like Thorn|was paying off the fighter.
He was cooked.
They didn't have enough evidence for|a court martial, but sent him to Greenland.
Game, set and match - Bilko.
- Some story, huh?|- Permission to speak freely?
- Again, permission. OK.|- You dealt with him very dishonestly.
Never mind that.|What happened to him? Thorn.
I don't know. I don't know|what happened to him.
Colonel John Hall, garrison commander.|Welcome to Fort Baxter, Major.
Doberman! Wake up!
Come on, everyone!|Up and at 'em!
Come on, guys, let's not miss|one minute of this beautiful day.
Hey!
- Get outta here!|- I'll get the sarge!
That's it. Now you guys|gonna be in trouble.
- Hey, Sarge! Get up.|- What's the matter?
Everybody take cover! Gather all the men!|Man the battle stations and...
What's that music?
I understand, Major, this weapon system|is in the experimental stage.
But I think you'll be very impressed|with the... noise it produces.
It's a powerful piece of equipment.
Colonel, I really urge you|not to go ahead with this.
Ah, Major Ebersole, Major Thorn.
Major Ebersole is the brain|behind the hovertank.
He's the one really responsible.
- Thank you, sir.|- Can we get on with this?
Of course. You good to go?
All right. Let's light this candle.
Hoo-ah!
You know, with all the base closings and|downsizing, people here have been jumpy.
Ready, Colonel.
This is exciting.
OK, start her up.
It still needs work.
Fire.
Of course.
Get out! Watch out!
Let's go, campers! It's 10am.|Time to start the day.
- Mornin', Sarge.|- It's that time of the decade.
- You're taking a shower.|- Do I have to?
Everyone feels pretty strongly about it.|Here's the petition.
Aw, Sarge.
Why are you sitting there?|You were full of energy at 6am.
I don't think the guys like me.
- Oh? What makes you say that?|- They wrote me a note.
"Wally, we don't like you. "|And they all signed it.
- Yeah, that's Doberman's "X".|- Can I please have another roommate?
- Why, what's the matter?|- He wet his bed.
- Oh, well, once in a while.|- No. He did it from across the room.
Major, please! At least|won't you stay for lunch?
- Do you like chicken casserole?|- No.
Well, Major, let me be frank.
A negative report from you would be|the death knell for Fort Baxter.
- We've been in a slump...|- Nine years without a successful test?
That's not a slump, that's a tradition.
But, Major, think for a minute|about the men, their careers.
- My career.|- Colonel, you play the hand you're dealt.
This isn't the career|I had in mind when I got out of OCS.
Shining a seat with my ass in DC,|visiting dumpy posts.
I thought I'd be a colonel by now|or maybe a general.
Sorry. What I saw today was a dust cloud|that cost $70 million. Good morning.
Wait! There's a lot more to|Fort Baxter than just R&D, Major.
- We have an award-winning commissary.|- Try the casserole.
And our softball team won|the division title.
And Sergeant Bilko's platoon|is in the glee club finals.
I'll certainly keep that in mind.
Did you say Bilko?
Yeah.
Is that Ernie Bilko?
One and the same.
Maybe I will stay for lunch.
Well, hoo-ah! Ignite that|chicken casserole, Captain Moon!
Yes, sir!
Now, where did that one go?
- Hey, you're eight over par, Sarge!|- Well, fix it.
- Sarge, they let you do this?|- I never asked. They'd say no.
It is an army post.
All right, I got 5-1 on Lover's Knot.
- $20 says I can hit the parking lot.|- I don't gamble.
- What is it you do do?|- Permission to speak...
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go ahead.
I get up every morning and I get dressed|to protect the American way of life.
Would you tell me that later tonight|so I don't have to take a sleeping pill?
Bilko!
It can't be.
Lieutenant Thorn.
- Actually, it's Major Thorn now.|- Well, congratulations.
I didn't know you were still in the service.|I'd have looked you up long ago.
I'll bet.
Tell me, Colonel, is he still|the same rascal he was at Fort Dix?
- That's one way of putting it.|- You changed my life.
Remember that little boxing match?
Boxing match... Hmm.
That made me a new man. You remember|how stiff and uptight I used to be?
Thanks to him, I realised|you can't treat people that way.
I'm a better man for it. Thanks, Ernie.
Sure.
- What was that?|- Greyhounds, sir.
- How long will you be with us, Major?|- Not long.
Colonel, what do you say|we have that casserole?
Absolutely, and some jellied yams as well.
Ha.
Let's get back to the barracks and cancel|everything-dances, raffles, everything.
God, I forgot it's the play-offs!
Sarge! Here's the money|from the blade rentals.
Stop, stop! Put that away!|Stop, everyone! Stop!
Ridin' along in my automobile
My baby beside me at the wheel
I stole a kiss at the turn of a mile
It's Hall with Major Thorn.|Looks like a surprise inspection.
An inspection? Now? Look at this place!
- ETA, 90 seconds.|- Think. Think.
I've got to think. Where's Alpha company?
Field exercises.
So we parked way out on the Kokomo
The night was young|and the moon was gold
So we both decided to take a stroll
Can you imagine the way I felt?
I couldn't unfasten her safety belt
Cruisin' and playin' the radio
With no particular place to go
Um, which way are we...
...facing here?
Uh, well... it would|have to be this one here.
Over hill, over dale|we have hit the dusty trail
As those caissons go rolling along
And it's hi, hi, hee in the field artillery
Bilko.
Ten-hut, platoon!
- Major Thorn wants to see the barracks.|- An inspection?
I wish we had a little more time.|We're not prepared.
It just gives me a thrill to see what a|first-rate top kick can do with a platoon.
- Why don't they stand by their rooms?|- Certainly. Sergeant?
Really, sir, if the glee club misses|practice, I won't be responsible...
- I said now!|- Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut!
- Is this your room, soldier?|- Yes, sir.
Follow me.
Who's this?
It's the cast of my favourite TV show, sir:|The African-American Hour.
Oh? I've never heard of it.
It's on cable. See, it's funny,|but it also makes you think.
Ah. Hm.
Are these yours?
It is my understanding that you can|no longer ask me these questions, sir.
It's a new army, Major.
We're all adjusting.
- Whose bunk is this?|- Uh, mine, sir.
- That corner is not squared off!|- What? I told you to make this bunk!
Now, I don't want any of your excuses!|Now, drop and give me 20! Ha!
All right. One. We're going for one.
Colonel, you're a very courageous man.
Oh! I saw a little combat duty in Kor...
Courageous? What do you mean?
Thumbing your nose at army regulations.|But I guess your men come first.
- And 20.|- My men? First?
- What does he mean, Bilko?|- This soldier, sir.
I'd say he's about 50 pounds|over his maximum allowable weight.
What are the chances of that being|discovered and your being blamed?
Blamed?
Sergeant, I want him|at regulation weight in six weeks.
Yes, sir!
Adelaide, of course|we'll get married, sooner or later.
Nathan Detroit, after 14 years,|it is already too late to be sooner.
I'm from Rhode Island, where people|do not remain engaged for 14 years.
- They get married.|- Then why is it such a small state?
Miss Robbins. I don't get it.
Why would Adelaide stick around if he,|like, disses her all the time?
Doesn't she have any self-esteem?
Well, that's a very interesting question.
- Certainly is.|- Ernie! What are you doing here?
- Did you get the flowers I sent ya?|- No.
Darn. I'll call FedEx|and have 'em put a trace on it.
That's right, sweetheart.|Nathan's a hustler.
He's irresponsible,|and he's careless with the truth.
But the one thing he never lies about|is how much he cares for Adelaide.
See, that's his core, and she knows it.
OK, let's take a break for ten minutes.|And that was really good.
Wonderful.
Ernie, I've been thinking, and I don't think|we should see each other any more.
Sweetheart, you promised to go|to the Rusty Spur with me.
- You never give up, do you?|- Come on. Come on, sweetheart...
...go to the Rusty Spur with me.|It'd be like old times.
All right, but you've got 30 days.|If this finger is still naked in 30 days...
...it's adios, Pepe.
I mean it this time.|This is your last chance.
Major. I'm Lieutenant Oster and this is...
Lieutenant Monday. We're here|from the Inspector General's Office, sir.
I asked for the best number crunchers|in the army! I hope that's what they sent!
- If there's been any malfeasance...|- Or embezzlement...
We will find it.
This guy we're going after's|been feeding off the khaki tit for years.
He's a master sergeant.|His name is Ernie Bilko. Get him!
- Forget it, Bilko.|- But, sir, the moment my boys heard...
...about the desert manoeuvre,|they volunteered.
We still haven't got over|being left out of Desert Storm.
How the orders got crisscrossed,|I'll never know.
But if we could go on these manoeuvres,|it would make up, in some small way...
You must think I'm a nincompoop.
A nincompoop? An NCP?|On the contrary, sir.
- I think you're one of the finest...|- Las Vegas.
- What, sir?|- The desert manoeuvre will take place...
...15 miles from Las Vegas, Nevada.
Really? I had no idea. Won't that be fun?
- Lake Mead, Hoover Dam.|- Forget it. You've got bigger problems.
Two hatchet men -|excuse me, hatchet persons -
...from the Inspector General's Office|came to audit the motor pool accounts.
- I wonder who tipped them off?|- Yes, I wonder.
Fort Baxter. How may I|direct your call? Motor pool?
Listen, Bilko, I might tell you this whole|post is skating on thin ice with hot blades.
Don't let them find anything.
- Is the colonel suggesting a cover-up?|- A cover-up?
Why, no. Is there... anything to cover up?
No... sir.
Good. Then I'm not suggesting one.
Just do... whatever it is you do|to make these things go away.
I can't help myself
Bad habits
I'm runnin' wild
Lost control
Well, I must confess
Cos I can't repress
In the last two months you|billed the army for 72 windshields?
That was a mistake.|One of my men, Private Buttersworth...
...had a hairline crack in his glasses.
- A crack?|- Yes, a hairline crack.
So to him, it looked like|all the windshields were broken.
I transferred him right out.|That's the way I am.
She's crazy about you. Every time|you're not looking, she stares.
You just missed it.
Sergeant, in the past two days we've|found a number of possible irregularities.
- Now, if you can't produce receipts...|- She's staring at you again.
Oh, just missed it!
There.
...that a boy like me
Has got so many bad habits
I said, all of these bad habits
All of these bad habits
Nothing? You found nothing?
All my training tells me|he's hiding something.
Every time we're about to|find something...
- It dissolves.|- It's like trying to nail Jell-O to the wall.
- No. It's like watching a magician.|- He's got you watching his left hand...
And his right hand keeps pullin' rabbits!
Well, then, let's tie his hands.
Ernie, will you dance with me tonight?
That's up to you. Last time,|I accidentally stepped on your knee.
- What if they play our song?|- We have a song?
Don't you remember the first time we...?
Only you
How could I forget our song?|When they play it tonight...
...you and I will dance the most romantic|dance we've ever danced in our entire life.
- You promise?|- That's a promise from Ernest G Bilko.
Put some drive in your country
Keep country drivin' on
When the music gets you movin'
You know it can't be long
Baby, this is our night. Just us. Just|you and me. All night long. No soldiers.
- What do you wanna do?|- Let's shoot some pool.
- Oh, yeah.|- Hey, Sarge. You're late!
- We want to celebrate the audit with ya.|- Those bean counters didn't have a clue.
I know, I know. Sometimes|I'm so damn good I scare myself.
Just us, huh?
If you see her out tonight
And she tells you|that it's just the lights
That bring her here
And not her loneliness
That's what she says...
- I'll go get us a couple of drinks.|- OK.
...every word she says
A scorpion and a brandy alexander.
That's what she says...
The future|Mrs "Permission to Speak Freely"?
Oh, no. I mean, I don't know her.|I never even... I don't know her.
Thank you very much, everybody.|we'll be back in just a couple of minutes.
- I'll introduce ya.|- You know her?
- No.|- She's with someone.
A detail.
- Ah, you must be in Bravo company.|- No, Charlie company.
- Charlie Company! Haven't you heard?|- What?
You're shipping out -|Operation Vacuum Cleaner.
- Operation...|- Shh!
I want his name. I want it known|that in this moment of crisis...
...this man chose to sit here|and eat bar nuts.
- I didn't know!|- Go ye into the night! Hut, hut, hut, hut!
All right. Now I'll settle this.
- Hmm.|- Excuse me?
You were right. Those are|the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen.
- Did he say that?|- Oh, yeah.
He said your eyes were like diamonds|sparkling on a summer night.
The old sergeant's eyes didn't see what|he saw. Anyway, here's the $20 I bet you.
I think the least you can do is sit down|and buy this young lady some dinner.
Sit down and buy dinner! Go! Hey!
Ah, to be young again.
- That's my sergeant.|- Oh.
Oh! Major Ebersole, boys.|Welcome to the Spur.
Oh, I've been here before.|Uh... five years ago.
I had... a scotch and soda.
Good. A place like this|depends on repeat business.
They're repainting our club, so we had to|move our weekly poker game down here.
Poker. I've heard wonderful things|about that game. Can I watch?
- You don't play poker?|- I'm pretty busy at the motor pool...
...up to my elbows in grease. Maybe|I could join... Oh, no, there's a problem.
I don't have any change.
We can make change. It's OK.
Oh, goody. I get to play cards.
...long way home just to think of an alibi
Well, I couldn't think of a dozen things
That hadn't already...
- Get you somethin'?|- Scotch, rocks. Good-looking woman.
That's Bilko's girl.
Now she looks even better.
I'm dealing you five cards.
- Five cards. Let me write this down.|- Yeah, OK.
Now, the worst hand that you can have...
...is if you only have one high card|and nothing else that matches.
- But then comes a pair.|- A pair. How exciting. A pair.
Only you
Can make this world seem right
Oh, thanks. Have you seen Ernie?
- No, I haven't.|- Will you hold this a second?
- Sure.|- Thanks.
Excuse me. Have you guys seen Ernie?
- No.|- No.
Ernie?
Ernie!
I have three jacks and two sixes.|What's that called again?
- A full house.|- What a cute name. A full house.
- Is that good?|- Yes, that means you win.
- Again.|- Oh, God, this is almost embarrassing.
What is that? Five in a row?
What a lovely watch.|Now, let's see. We'll just shuffle.
Oops. Clumsy me.
- OK. Cut? Thank you.|- Hey!
Sorry. All right. OK.
You are my destiny
Oh. You hear that song?|It means I gotta go.
Gee, I feel bad.|Can't I give some of this back?
No, that would be wrong, wouldn't it?
All right, well, I'll just take these IOUs...
...and the pink slip, and you can cash me|out and I'll see you back at the base.
- Ernie!|- Good evening, sir.
Excuse us, Major.
Listen, I don't know why, but the colonel's|decided to climb all over your sorry butt.
I'm afraid the party's over, Ernie.
Get back to the post. I'd like to see your|men on the parade ground at 0500 hours.
- Yes, sir. Weather permitting.|- What permitting?
Who said that?
It's payback time, Bilko.
If it's all the same to you,|I'll tell my girlfriend we're leaving.
It's not all the same to me, Bilko.|Move it! Hut, hut, hut! Hut, hut, hut, hut!
You are my destiny
This solves nothing.
This solves everything.
You haven't seen someone called|Ernie Bilko, have you?
Oh, yes. He left a few minutes ago.
- Are you sure?|- Yep, I definitely saw him go, in a hurry.
You see, I happen to know|Major Ebersole offered him a poker game.
You're my dream come true
My one and only you
I can drop you off|on my way back to the post.
- This is very nice of you.|- Not at all.
May I ask you...
...could I call on you sometime?|- Oh, well, you see, I'm...
I just broke up with someone.
- He must be devastated.|- Oh... he doesn't know yet.
Fall in! Arrgh! And gather!|Gather in... in a square! All right.
Good!
All right, you've seen real soldiers before.|Just... do what they do.
All right, let's do the|"grab the rifle by the bottom" thing!
Arrgh!
All right! Now, let's do the,|you know, the shoulder thing!
Arrgh! The shoulder thing!|Ah! Arrgh! Arrgh! Yes.
All right. And now the... the|"showing the rifle for the inspection" bit.
Go! Arrgh! Arrgh!
Well, my feet can't fail me now|My feet can't fail me now
My feet can't fail me now|My feet can't fail me now
My feet can't fail me now|My feet can't fail me now
Go, go, go, go!
Dobie, come on! Come on, buddy.
My feet can't fail me now|My feet can't fail me now
My feet can't fail me now|My feet can't fail me now
My feet can't fail me now|My feet can't fail me now
My feet can't fail me now|My feet can't fail me now
Said feet can't fail me now|My feet can't fail me now
My feet can't fail me now|My feet can't fail me now
My feet can't fail me now|My feet can't fail me now
No. Nope.
I'm just so damn proud.
My feet can't fail me now|My feet can't fail me now
My feet can't fail, fail, fail, fail me now
I can barely move my legs
I can barely move my legs
Do me a favour and kill me now
Do me a favour and kill me now
Something, something rhymes with legs
Something, something rhymes with legs
My life is over anyhow
- Sarge!|- Sarge! He's killing us!
- I can't do this.|- What's the matter with you people?
Generation X!
- He's killin' us!|- You've all gone soft!
- Get serious, Sarge!|- I am serious.
I've been thinking about this.|You're Bilko's platoon!
Whatever they dish out, we can take.
I want to see you two in my quarters.
- Oh!|- Sarge.
I'm paralysed.|I have no feeling from the hair down.
Make the bad man stop.
- Who are you calling?|- Rita. Her voice will make me feel better.
Ow. Ow, ow, ow.
If any of this is frightening,|just hold onto me.
They're dancing Raisinets.
And you don't find that frightening?
Let's work
Be proud
Stand tall
- Sarge? Sarge.|- What's the matter?
I put on three pounds.
Funny, it doesn't show.|Luis! This calls for plan A.
That won't work. He's on his way over.|He says if I can't do ten push-ups...
...he's gonna move me out.
All right! Plan B.
Major Thorn, you look fantastic, sir!|Have you lost w...
Good work, Doberman!
So, John, if you spoke to the officers|and their wives, it would mean a lot.
They keep hearing rumours|that Fort Baxter will be shut down.
Frankly, sweetheart, after this hovertank|disaster, I don't know what might happen.
Oh, dear. I didn't realise it was that bad.
Well, you will think of something.|I have complete faith in you.
Thank you.
- Sorry, I didn't realise you had company.|- Quite all right, Bilko.
Colonel, you didn't tell me|there was a movie star here.
Sharon Stone! The men will be so excited.
- Bilko.|- We've seen all your movies.
- They're a little racy for me.|- Sergeant Bilko...
You know this is Mrs Hall.
Mrs Hall! Cradle robber. You were|dazzled by an older man, is that it?
- Bilko!|- Yes, my colonel?
John, I will see you later.
Right this way, Miss Stone. Uh... Mrs Hall.
- What is it, Sergeant?|- Sir, if I could ask you again.
- These desert manoeuvres...|- You can go.
If you'd seen the look on the men's faces|when I said we wouldn't...
- I said I've changed my mind.|- Zimmerman...
...I had to cradle him in my... We can go?
- Have a safe trip, Sergeant.|- Yes, sir. We'll make you proud, sir.
Oh, sure.
Bright light city gonna set my soul
Gonna set my soul on fire
Viva Las Vegas
Viva Las Vegas
There's blackjack and poker|and the roulette wheel
All you need's a strong heart|and a nerve of steel
Viva Las Vegas
Viva Las Vegas
Viva Las Vegas
Viva Las Vegas with your neon flashing
Sarge, you're crying.
It's just... so beautiful.
Viva, viva, Las Vegas
All right, soldiers. Prepare for manoeuvres!
I killed an afternoon convincing|Colonel Dunderhead he'd be in trouble...
...if Bilko didn't go on the manoeuvres.
You've got three days|to get into this computer.
Find me everything.
If he stole a match,|I want to know about it.
I'm goin' to party town
Yeah, yeah
I wanna party down
Yeah, yeah
I wanna have some fun|I'm gonna fool around
I'm goin' to party town
Right here in party town
Yeah, yeah
They really party down
Yeah, yeah
Man, it's a party town
Yeah, yeah
- Where we goin'?|- Craps.
Think of the changes you wanna make|when we own this place.
Hey, Sarge, I was thinkin',|is it safe for us to be off the base?
- Thorn will be up to somethin'.|- You just thought of that?
Relax. Before we left, I had Luis encrypt|the files. It'll take 'em years to break in.
We're in.
Good job.
Now, how far back do you want us to go?
You two kids have just been sensational.
Why don't you knock off|for the rest of the evening?
And do what?
- Have fun. Unwind.|- Hm.
- Well, shall I...?|- No, leave it on for a second.
I'd just like to check on one or two things,|just out of curiosity.
Well, good night.
Good night.
I think it was very exciting,|the way you broke into that computer.
- It was?|- Yes!
- Can I buy you a drink?|- Why, yes.
Oh, oh, oh! There they go!
Oh, my. All right.
Oh! Ouch! They're hot! They're hot.|Quick, quick, cool 'em off.
Press the six and the eight|and the black ten.
- All right, here we go. Now...|- Oh, he's shakin' 'em off.
Uh-oh, he's comin' with the pitch.|It looks like the high, hard one!
Ooh, baby! Oh, good.
Gently. OK, and now, it's just a little...|It's easy, it's easy, it's easy.
It's just... behind the back.
Winner! We have a winner.
Wait a minute. This chip is scratched.
- Mr Bilko.|- Yes?
That's quite a run.|Is there anything we can do for you?
Yes, go to your vault and tell your money|to be patient. We'll be together soon.
You mean he stood you up|before that night at the Rusty Spur?
Mm-hm. He left me standing at the altar.
There can be no excuse for that.
You'd be surprised. He had a new excuse|every time. They were all pretty amazing.
- He did that more than once?|- Mm-hm.
Rita, you have a lot of love to give.
And you're smart.|Why put up with a clown like that?
Because it was exciting. With Ernie,|every day was anything-can-happen day.
Some couples play Scrabble.
This isn't a game we're talking about -|it's your life.
Where I come from, when you tell|a woman you'll marry her, you mean it.
You know something? I would never|stand you up. I'd never not call you.
But then, I'm an officer with career|prospects. I can handle responsibility.
I guess you can.
Wouldn't you like a man|who's there for you?
A man who wants to get married,|settle down and have a family.
Yes.
I bought you this.
A ring!
Two carats of cubic zirconia.
It's beautiful.
Oh...
This is happening... too fast.
I don't want to hurt Ernie.
No.
We really don't want to hurt Ernie.
- That's when Vegas was Vegas.|- Excuse me, Mr Bilko?
- He said it was an emergency.|- This must be the Pentagon.
Hello? I can hardly hear you.
Rita Robbins. She's been out|with that guy Thorn every night.
- Thorn?|- Since before you went on manoeuvres.
Tomorrow night they're going out to|that fancy French restaurant in Roseville.
She's lookin' pretty weak, Ernie,|I gotta tell ya. Like she would do anything.
- Thanks, Sowicki.|- Bye, Ernie.
- Thank you, Stan.|- Hey, thank you!
For allowing me|to screw with Bilko's head.
Oh, it isn't a game this time, Stan.
I just need to find out|how much he really loves me.
- He loves you plenty.|- More than Las Vegas?
That's asking a lot.
Hi, this is Rita. I'm not in|right now. Please leave a message.
Rita, it's me, Ernie. I'm on my way home.|I hear you're seeing Thorn...
...and I just don't want you to take it too|seriously. He's only with you to annoy me.
I see. He couldn't possibly be interested|in me-that would be ridiculous.
Rita, you're there.|This guy has terrible qualities.
- For one thing, he's very manipulative.|- He seemed nice to me. Goodbye.
Hello? Hello?
Rita? Rita?
Why do you smell the cork?
Your eyes are hazel, aren't they?
Green.
I never have sex on the first date.
Thank God, it's our third. Oh, this is such|a... Oh, can't you just smell that... salad?
Yes, I have a reservation.
Ah, this must be the table. You know,|what they do very well here is the garlic.
Oh, I touched you.|My temperature is rising.
Waiter, could we have two glasses|of red house, uh... s'il vous please?
In.
Bilko. What a fool.
Yeah.
How can he afford to eat here|on a sergeant's pay?
- I'll be a lieutenant colonel very soon.|- No kidding?
- That woman's kind of attractive too.|- You think so?
Well, not compared to you, of course.
Anyway, I understand|the oysters here are...
...very, uh, very, uh... imported.
- Just get me out of here fast.|- Relax, Paparelli.
If you wanna make Rita jealous,|why not use Barbella?
She knows Barbella. I needed someone|she can't recognise. Someone alluring.
Thank you.
Ah! Well, it's Rita Robbins|and Major Thorn! Ah! A-ha-ha, aha.
Um, excuse me. One moment.
She's coming over? She's coming over?
Ernie, you made Paparelli|get into drag just to make me jealous?
Well, actually, he was already in drag.|Paparelli, scram! Get going.
Rita, you can't marry Thorn.|You don't love him.
Think of the children.|You're a Catholic and he's an asshole!
How would you raise them? And he's|already cheating on you with Paparelli.
Hi, soldier boy.
Sowicki never told you|I was marrying Thorn.
You told Sowicki to call me.|You manipulated me. How could you?
Why not? I have a master's in|manipulation from the University of Bilko.
You tricked me. You sucked me in.
This is the most turned on|I've ever been in my life.
Rita, I'm so glad|we're back together again.
Twelve more days.
No wonder the hovertank never worked.
Yes, sir. He's been diverting research|funds into his own private account.
For all the differences I've had with Bilko|over the years, I've always liked him.
The way he kept up the men's morale.
The way he'd pretend to cry when I went|on leave. The way, on my birthday...
...he'd have the men mow my name in|the main lawn with a big heart around it.
- But now there'll be a court martial.|- Yes, sir.
- Unless...|- Unless?
It's just that I know we'd both|do anything to spare Bilko a court martial.
If he could just be quietly punished.
Yeah, sure.
But... but how?
The CO has certain powers, sir.
- Powers?|- Can't he, for instance, have a soldier...
...trans...
Trans... atlantic?
Trans... vestite?
- Transferred!|- What a wonderful idea.
Yes, well, the wheels are always spinning.
It'd have to be somewhere where there'd|be no chance of him making trouble again.
Greenland?
He's been out walking|by himself for, like, four hours.
- What's he doin'?|- He's thinkin'.
- I thought I heard him crying.|- He even asked for a box of tissues.
I guess you're happy.
Yeah. He hated the sarge.|He was probably helping Thorn to get him.
- I was not!|- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
This is Bilko we're|talkin' about here. Bilko!
Nobody gets the best of Bilko. Come on!
- That's right.|- He'll think of somethin'.
Remember when I got the letter from|my wife sayin' she wanted to break up?
- Remember what Bilko did?|- He got your wife back?
No, he got me another wife. A better wife!
- Yeah!|- He'll come up with his best plan ever.
Listen, I pity Major Thorn.|When Bilko gets done with him...
- Sarge!|- Ten-hut!
Hey, Sarge!
- Sarge!|- Sarge! You've come back!
Ah, Doberman. The son I never wanted.
Fall in and look this way!
Hello, soldiers.
I'm talking to you.|Because that's what you are really.
Soldiers, every last one of you -|with a couple of exceptions.
- He's got a plan.|- He sure does.
I wanna tell you a little story.|There was once a little boy...
...and that little boy had a dream to run|one of the most sophisticated...
...illegal gaming operations|the US Army has ever seen.
- He's not worried.|- Not a bit.
And that little boy's dream came true.
But now they're trying to|snatch that dream back from him.
- He is worried.|- That's not good.
But what are the last two letters|in the name Bilko? K-O!
Of course, the first are B-I-L,|which is meaningless.
But still, am I giving up? No! Never!|Well, kind of, but not really...
...because there is no way|I am going to Greenland.
Well, you're probably wondering|if I have a plan.
Well, of course I have a plan!|A P-L-A-N. Plan.
But...
- He's got no plan.|- We're screwed.
- I have a plan, Sarge.|- But maybe a plan is not what I need!
What I really need is just a little puppy.
A little puppy with big, brown eyes|who'll just come to me and lick my face...
...and just love me so much,|no matter what kind of person I am.
Sarge, I really do have a plan.
Oh, so now you have a plan.|Well, let's hear your plan, Wally.
What if the hovertank did work? That'd|prove you haven't diverted the money.
Oh! That is so stup... What?
That would prove you hadn't been|diverting the money. Wouldn't it?
Are you saying you can get|the hovertank to work?
No, of course not. But we don't need to|hold four aces if they think we hold 'em.
Permission to speak freely?
Tell me a bit more about this plan,|because I think that's actually...
If they come, deny everything.|Just act dumb.
Fender, I'm putting you in charge of that.
I love the nightlife, I like to boogie
I like to rock all night long
Ahem.
Oh... it's you, Bilko.
Sir, if I could talk with you|just for a moment.
If you've come to talk about Greenland,|you're wasting your time.
Frankly, Sergeant, I'm disappointed.
Sir, all I ever wanted was an honest|week's pay for an honest day's work.
- I didn't steal money, sir.|- Please, Bilko.
Let's just say goodbye.
And thank you.
- For what, sir?|- Well, for...
...always making me feel like|I actually ran this place.
Good old Fort Baxter.
I guess your garden|is one of the things you'll miss most.
Ah, yes. I love...
- Miss? Why miss?|- The colonel hasn't heard?
- In that case, it must not be true.|- What? Uh... they're closing Fort Baxter?
You didn't hear it from me.
Take good care of yourself in...|I've said enough.
Have you heard where they're sending me?
- You're stepping on your flowers.|- The hell with them! Where?
- Where are they sending me?|- It's just rumour, sir.
Oh, that fair skin|under the burning desert sun...
Oh, my God. The desert sun.
Remember, if you get lost, travel by night.
- How can they do this to me?|- The hovertank test was the last straw.
Too bad they didn't schedule it this week.
Well...
- Goodbye.|- Wha...? Wait!
- You mean the hovertank is working?|- Oh, I know what you're thinking, sir:
..."Arrange a public demonstration ASAP."
"Call the Pentagon|and the Department of the Army. "
- All right.|- I've already taken that liberty, sir.
- Thank you.|- Oh, that picture of you...
...standing triumphant at the test.
That'll keep me warm|on those lonely nights in Greenland.
In Greenland, sir.
Oh. Yes.
Well, goodbye.
- Ah, Bi...|- Yes, sir?
If the test goes well,|you won't be transferred.
Well, thank you, sir! I'm stunned!
Just as a formality,|I've put that in writing.
If you could just sign here|and here, and initial here.
- Here?|- Uh, no. Here.
And I'll just notarise that.
- And I'll waive the usual ten-dollar fee.|- Oh. Thank you.
Here you are. Good day.
No, it'll hover. But as before...
...it will go completely haywire|if we attempt to fire the cannon.
We know that. We just need|a couple of hours with it.
- Let's get started.|- It's a $70-million piece of equipment.
You think I'm gonna allow|one of your men to fool around with it?
- I think not.|- Oh. Mm-hm.
Oh, boy. Oh, my, is it hot in here or what?
What's this? Oh!|I almost forgot I had these.
It's the IOUs from the poker game.
- Would he like to use my tools?|- That would be nice.
- You saw it?|- Yeah, it blew up the ammunition shed.
- A perfect hit.|- The hovertank?
- I thought that thing was busted.|- Yeah, it was.
But the kid, Wally, he fixed it.
He said the key was the...
The...?
The fire-control|and super-elevator board.
- Imagine that.|- Yeah, the super-elevator board.
And the great thing is, if it works|at the demonstration, Bilko gets to stay.
Great!
Yeah.
- Wonderful to see you again, General.|- You, too, Colonel. Mrs Hall.
- And, of course, you know Major Thorn.|- Thorn.
- Tank crew ready, sir.|- Very good, Bilko. General.
Master Sergeant Bilko.|It's an honour to meet you.
- You look terrific! Have you lost weight?|- Who is this?
Members of Congress, General Tennyson,|colleagues from the defence industries...
...distinguished guests, welcome.
The weapon system|you are about to see today...
...can be called the world's first|truly all-terrain assault vehicle...
...which I'm proud to say was developed|entirely in-house, here at Fort Baxter.
I give you the armoured attack platform|to lead American defence forces...
...into the 21st century.|The HTX-1 hovertank.
Water and rough terrain can stop|an ordinary M1 or APC...
...but the hovertank can literally rise|above these obstacles.
And that is the capability|we will show you here today.
Hovertank, you are looking good.
Hovertank, fire when ready. Hoo-ah!
Ha. This little bird packs a deadly punch.
Fire in the hole!
- You hit the wrong button, Rastahead!|- It's not my fault! He wired it wrong!
Any questions?
Congratulations, honey.
- Home run, sir!|- Thank you, Captain.
- We'll rush this baby into production.|- Thank you.
Jack, I thank you|on behalf of a grateful nation.
I just can't wait to see|what you fellas come up with next.
Wait! Wait. The demonstration was rigged.
Ah, do I see politics in your future, sir?|Perhaps a run at the Oval Office?
I've never given that serious consideration.
Wait! General! He faked it!
Didn't you see the gun was aimed|at target three, but blew up target four?
Yes, I did.
If you remember|Einstein's theory, space is curved.
- Yes.|- And these are smart weapons.
Oh, cut the crap! He faked it.|It's just one of his scams.
That's a serious charge.|Colonel, what about this?
General, in all my years in the service...
...I have never, not once,|publicly berated a fellow officer.
But I realise now that from the moment|Major Thorn set foot on Fort Baxter...
...he engaged in a personal vendetta|against Master Sergeant Bilko.
I find his conduct inexcusable, and will|recommend an article 32 investigation.
- I see.|- You don't understand.
He doesn't know what's going on. This|sergeant leads him around by the nose!
Major! You are the most|insubordinate officer I have ever met.
I'm telling you, he's a boob! He doesn't|get it! They faked the whole thing!
I'd like to see just one piece of evidence|to support these idiotic allegations.
Idiotic, huh? How's this for evidence? The|fire-control and super-elevator board.
I took it out last night,|so how can it work?
So you deliberately|sabotaged this project, Major?
I got it all on tape.
Lucky.
- Whoo!|- Yeah, celebration time.
Chin-chin.
Because I know Pap knew it,|and I... Stand, troops!
- You're in the presence of a genius.|- Hoo-ah!
You're a total kingpin. You got Thorn|to sabotage something that didn't work!
Yeah, well, I couldn't have done it without|our Wally. Where is he, where is the lad?
Here, Sarge.
I was just resetting|the colonel's odometer.
- I told you Wally was all right.|- OK. Glee club.
Oh, well.
Only you, only you, only you
Can make this change in me
Only you
You are my destiny
Destiny
When you hold my hand,|I understand the
Magic that you do,|magic that you do
Ooh, you're my dream come true
My one and only
You
Hum
Hum
It's only you
Very nice.
Aw, get up, Bilko.
Marry me, Rita. I know I'm a long shot,|but sometimes long shots pay off big.
Don't even ask. I forgot it was|daylight-savings time. Can you believe it?
Well, better late than never.
- Poker?|- All right.
Nickel ante.
Let's make it interesting.|One hand of showdown.
If I win, we get married.
Ernie, I don't think|that's such a good idea.
I've never known you to chicken out|of a game, whatever the stakes.
You're on.
Well, well, well, what do you know?
- Full house. Jacks over threes.|- You cheated!
- No, and we're getting married!|- When?
Now!
Daddy!
- Ow!|- Dearly beloved, we are gathered here...
...to witness the joining of these|two good people in holy matrimony.
Rita Robbins, do you take Ernest Bilko|to love, honour and cherish...
...for richer or poorer...|- Think we're moving too fast?
- I do.|- Let's go!
- Do you, Ernest Bilko, take Rita...|- Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do.
By the power vested in me, I pronounce|you husband and wife. You may ki...
Ah.
Doo, doo-doo,|doo, doo, doo, doo
Livin' in the USA
Doo, doo-doo,|doo, doo, doo, doo
Livin' in the USA
Where are you goin' to?
What are you gonna do?
Do you think that it will be easy?
Do you think that it will be pleasin'?|Hey, hey, what'd you say?
I won't pay, I'd rather play
It's my freedom|Ah, don't worry about me, babe
I got to be free, babe
Hey, hey, hey, yeah
Doo, doo-doo,|doo, doo, doo, doo
Livin' in the USA
Doo, doo-doo,|doo, doo doo, doo
Livin' in the USA
Hey, we're gonna make it, baby
Yeah, we got to shake it, baby
Hey, gonna break it, girl,|yeah, yeah, yeah, girl
Come on, baby, hey
Oh, hey
Oh, hey
In the USA, baby
Doo, doo-doo,|doo, doo, doo, doo
Livin' in the USA
Don't worry about me, babe
Doo, doo-doo,|doo, doo, doo, doo
Livin' in the USA|Livin' in the USA
Doo, doo-doo,|doo, doo, doo, doo
Livin' in the USA
I got to be free