Shaky Shivers (2022) Movie Script

(dramatic tone)
(dramatic music)
(mellow music)
- Okay, this looks good.
- Camp Happy Bear.
I always wanted to
be a girl scout.
- Yeah, well, I don't
think they're taking
any new members right now.
I mean, it looks
pretty abandoned.
- I heard a camp
counselor went bonkers
and chopped up a
bunch of girl scouts
like 15 years ago.
- What, you heard
that, from who?
Karen, they went bankrupt.
Some kid had a bad nut
allergy or something
and maybe died, I don't know.
Anyways, they sued them.
Can we just please cool
it on the ghost stories
and all that shit,
because I'm kind of
freaking out right now.
(Lucy exhales)
- You just wanna wait here?
- Yeah.
- For like three hours?
- Yeah.
Full moon's at 8:23.
- Lucy, you're gonna be fine.
- Really?
Does that look fine?
Does that look
fine to you, Karen?
Take a good look at it.
- I did, okay?
- No.
It's the last thing...
It's not fine.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Okay, here we are, here we go.
Where'd you get this?
- Cinco De Mayo.
- Okay.
- Oh my god, what is that?
- What do you mean what is this?
It's a fucking gun.
- Okay, yeah, but what am
I supposed to do with that?
- You know what to do.
Take it.
And I got bullets.
- Okay, but even if I do
this, it's not gonna work.
- [Lucy] Why?
- 'Cause you need
silver bullets.
- What?
Eric never told me that.
- You told Eric?
- Yeah, I mean, well, if
we didn't show up for work-
- So then he's
just gonna tell Bob
I shot you in the face?
(Lucy groans)
- Okay.
Great, okay.
- Okay.
- Okay, there's some
more stuff in there
that we're gonna need.
- Where did you get these?
- My parents are really gross.
- Ew.
- Unlike you, Eric took
this very seriously,
he said that's just
the thing that we need.
- His old homework?
- No, he's like really into
Dungeons and
Dragons or whatever.
What a dweeb.
- Yeah, I am gonna
go out on a limb here
and say that this is not an
officially licensed DM guide.
- What's a DM guide?
What are you talking about?
- Dungeon master.
- Oh.
- Remember my ex, Roger?
- Yes, Roger the rebel.
- He had a bunch of
Dungeon and Dragons books.
(Lucy laughs)
- Are you missing
Roger right now?
Is he still alive?
- He wasn't that old.
- I believe he was
bald with a ponytail.
That takes effort.
What do you even
call that thing?
A muskullet?
It's like a mullet
but for bald guys?
That's so weird.
(mellow music)
(Lucy sobbing)
Okay, it's done.
- Hey.
I brought you something.
- What did you bring me?
What is it?
- Look.
It's not supposed
to make you cry.
- You're so nice.
- Luc, they're just brownies.
- You made me a snack.
Did you make them yourself?
- I did.
- Oh my god, it's so late.
What is this?
Okay, I'll stop crying.
- It's gonna be fine.
It's gonna be totally fine.
- It's gonna be okay.
- Yeah.
- It's not gonna...
Well, it might happen,
but you know, we're
gonna get through it.
- No.
Well, let's eat
some damn brownies.
- Okay.
Here you go.
Thank you, Karen.
- You're welcome, Luc.
- So good.
(crickets chirping)
(leaves rustling)
- Lucy.
- What?
- Sorry.
- Sorry, it was the brownie.
- It's okay.
- What time is it?
- It's late.
- Oh my god.
Oh my god, okay, oh
my god, okay, what?
Oh, okay.
Take this.
- Yeah.
- Good, okay.
- Oh my god, don't
point it at me.
- [Lucy] I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
- What'd you do that for?
- So I don't claw your face off.
Okay, flashlight towards me.
Good, yeah.
And the gun.
And the gun.
Okay, hold it steady, Karen.
- Sorry.
- Okay, just breathe.
Breathe, okay?
Breathe, okay?
Do you see anything?
- No.
- Really?
What about now?
- I don't know.
- Okay, well, get closer, Karen.
Come on, get in there.
Deeper, come on.
Okay, what about my
teeth, do I have fangs?
- Jesus!
- What?
- You need to floss more.
- Are you kidding me right now?
- No, you should floss more.
You look normal.
- I do?
- [Karen] Yeah.
- Full moon.
Okay, what?
I'm not a werewolf.
- You're not a werewolf.
- I'm not a werewolf.
- [Karen] You're not a werewolf.
- I'm not a werewolf.
(Karen laughing)
I'm not a werewolf!
- You're not a werewolf.
(Karen and Lucy laughing)
You would've been like, oh!
- I'm not a werewolf!
- She's not a werewolf!
- I'm not a werewolf!
I'm not a werewolf!
- She's not a werewolf!
- Woo, I'm not a werewolf!
- You're kind of crushing me.
- Oh my god, that
was really dumb.
That was so dumb.
- So dumb.
- Yeah.
(Eric yells)
(Karen screams)
(gun shot)
What was that?
(Karen screams)
(Lucy growling)
(garage door whirring)
(upbeat music)
Sorry, it expired.
- Excuse me?
- It expired, in the ;80s.
See, right there.
- This is bullshit.
No wonder I never came
here to the Dumpy Freeze.
I want my free ice cream.
- Okay, you're not gonna
get free ice cream.
You're gonna have to pay for it,
'cause that's how life works.
- Do you know who I am?
My cousins are
the Pinot sisters.
- Okay?
- Hello, Olympic figure
skating champions.
- So you want free ice cream
because you're related
to a couple penises?
(Lucy chuckles)
- (chuckles) Well, aren't you
a clever little smart ass?
- Hey, you're the one
trying to use a coupon
from last decade.
By the way, isn't that
when your penis cousins
won their silver medal?
- Wait a minute, I know you.
You're Lucy.
Lucy Muntzy.
Don't you remember me?
- No.
- You were senior
vice president, right?
It's Karen, we went to
leadership camp together.
- We have moved
beyond high school.
- Shh.
You were a pretty
big deal, right?
So now you're just kind
of working here now?
- Okay, Miss Penis,
the '80s are over,
and so is your coupon.
- And you, (laughs) holy
shit, I know you too.
The other Karen.
Scary Karen.
Weren't you the one
that tried out for track
and shit yourself?
- No.
- Yeah, because it was
super gnarly Mexican food.
- All right, well,
this has been fun-
- Yeah, and it
was cross country,
so get your facts
straight, dumb ass.
- Thanks, bud.
- You're welcome.
- Well, congratulations
on your new careers.
Tell me, do the chocolate shakes
remind you of your track days?
- Okay.
- [Karen Too] I'm
sorry, cross country.
- Sure, how about I
pound you in the face
with this jar of marshmallows?
Hope your bangs
save you from it.
- She's not worth
it, she's a loser.
- And speaking of winners,
is your mom still
getting puke ass drunk
out at the casino?
What a bummer she couldn't
land you a waitressing job
out there too.
- Okay, you really wanna go?
- Everything okay?
- No, sir.
These girls working here are
unprofessional and crazy.
- Okay, you're the psycho
who wants free ice cream.
- I fear for my safety.
- Please, don't insult my staff.
May I see the coupon, please?
- You got really lucky.
- Wow.
It's beautiful.
- [Karen] Why'd you have
to make it look so pretty?
- Yeah, she's just gonna
slurp it up like a pig.
Say hi to your rich
dad for me, bitch.
- Did you see how it
brightened her day?
Ice cream has that
effect on people.
It's like they regress
and become children again.
My dad always said,
"The gold is in the sweetness,
"and the sweetness
is in the soul.
"To make one sweet, you
gotta make them whole."
- Okay, Willy Wonka.
- Well, I'm outta here.
- Okay.
Have a good vacation, Bob.
- [Bob] Sure am
looking forward to it.
- [Karen] We'll hold
down the fort for ya.
- Thanks, girls.
- [Karen] Bye!
- Bye, Bob.
Bye, Bob.
Bye, Bob, see ya later, Bob.
Oh, Bob, we love Bob.
Bob is so awesome.
Thanks, girls.
'Cause the soul is
in the sweetness
and the sweetness in the
soul, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba!
- Don't be a dick.
- [Lucy] He's so sweet.
- Yeah.
- He has to be into
some kinky shit, right?
Like, necrobestiality
or something like that.
- What is that,
sex with animals?
- Dead animals.
- You're such a
freaky weirdo, Luc.
- Thank you.
Thank you very much, Karen.
(Eric yells)
- Oh my god, Eric!
You ass!
- Oh, you guys are so easy.
- Go get it.
- Okay.
There you go.
- Thank you.
- You okay?
- Mm-hmm.
- I didn't scare you too bad.
- Why are you touching me?
- For balance.
I'm sorry.
- Don't do that here.
- Have you guys
seen a banana split?
(blender whirring)
- I present to you my
creation, a Shaky Shiver.
- Yes, yes!
- Barf.
- Try it first.
- No, it looks like
diarrhea, Karen.
There's no way Bob's gonna
let you sale that shit.
Maybe one day when you
own your own Dumpy store
you can do whatever your
little heart desires.
- Okay, yeah, like
that's gonna happen.
- Hey, ask and
you shall receive.
- You know nothing
works out for me.
I suck at Super Mario Kart,
my mom is a raging alcoholic,
and apparently,
I'm still notorious
for crapping my pants
seven years ago.
(Eric chuckles)
- Okay, Karen, you need to
take these negative experiences
and turn them into
something positive,
please, for once.
- Can you stop with that?
- Oh, this one time
I was at this party,
and my friend's older
brother was like,
"I dare everyone to
eat a peanut butter
"and habanero sandwich!"
- Uh huh, and guess who did it.
- Me.
I did it.
Yeah, I took a bite, and
I was like, hmm, (screams)
and I started freaking out
and like chugged
a gallon of milk.
- Yeah, and then you
puked all over everybody,
it was disgusting.
- It was a gallon of milk,
and yeah, all right,
it doesn't matter,
'cause I had to
go to the hospital
because my ears were bleeding.
- Oh my god, that's gross.
- No.
- Isn't that when you lost
your one and only friend?
- Actually, it was one of
the best days of my life,
because everyone heard
about it at school,
and they were like, "Eric,
he chugged the milk,
"he ate the sandwich!"
And I was like, "Yep!"
And it was pretty awesome.
Everyone thought I
was super popular,
and yeah, I lost
a little hearing
and my penis didn't work
for a bit, but it works now.
- See, if that's
not a positive spin,
I don't know what is.
- Eric's changing lives.
- Oh, Jesus.
Oh my god.
I have to get out of
this shit hole town.
- Uh huh.
- I honestly think I'm
gonna start cutting hair.
- I thought you were gonna
start a record label.
- I am, I was...
I can do both.
- Weren't you gonna make a
blanket with sleeves type thing?
- Dude, that is
a fantastic idea.
- What about your other idea
to have people drive other
people around for money?
That's just taxis.
- No, you didn't even
read the business model.
(eerie music)
Karen, did...
Okay, I'm just...
You know what, I honestly think
I'm just gonna move to New York.
- Sweet, super original.
- It's the best city in the...
- Hello.
- Hi.
Can I help you?
Ma'am, are you deaf?
Can you hear me?
- Hungry.
- Okay, well, you came
to the right place,
but unfortunately,
we're closed, so.
- I see food.
Ice cream.
- Yeah, we have that,
but it's like all put
away, and I already...
Do you have any money?
- I have this.
- What the hell am I
supposed to do with that?
- It's beautiful.
- Yeah, and they're everywhere.
- What is it, freeloaders night?
- We haven't eaten in weeks.
- We?
Oh my god, there's more of you?
I can't, I'm so tired.
- We are so hungry.
- I know, I know.
But like, we're closed.
I already put all
the shit away, man...
Or woman.
Okay, do you want a nut?
You look like you would
want a nut. (laughs)
Will this suffice?
Open up.
(tense music)
What the hell?
(Mama Nature speaking
in foreign language)
- May your blood turn black,
into a devil wolf of the night.
- What?
(Lucy screaming)
(birds chirping)
(ominous music)
(Lucy breathing heavily)
Okay, this can't be that hard.
(steering wheel banging)
(person screaming)
Okay, you got me, get up.
Stop, get up.
Eric, I swear to God, if
you're messing with me.
Eric, please be messing with me.
Eric, oh my god.
Oh my god, no, no, no!
Oh my god.
Oh no, I'm so sorry.
(Lucy sobbing)
I'm so sorry.
Okay, okay.
Will you come haunt me, please?
Please, come haunt
me and be weird.
Oh, geez, oh, sorry.
I just stepped on your
balls, I'm so sorry.
What the hell is that?
(Lucy panting)
(creature growling)
Oh, my lucky day.
(Lucy laughs)
(mysterious music)
Karen, is that you?
- Don't come any closer.
- A dog bone, really?
- Stay away, devil wolf.
- Karen, please do not
be a dick right now.
Karen, what happened last night?
Did I turn into a werewolf?
- Are you messing
with me right now?
- No, I'm not.
I'm not messing with you, Karen.
Because the last
thing I remember
is that you shot Eric,
and then I just woke
up totally naked.
- Wait, did you say I shot Eric?
- Yeah.
Yeah, he was the one
wearing the rubber mask.
- Oh my god.
I killed Eric.
- Yeah.
Yeah, you did.
I mean, it wasn't like
totally your fault,
but I mean, kinda.
- Only kinda?
I shot him in the face.
- Yeah, well, I
mean, we told him
that we were coming
to Camp Happy Bear
and you know, we didn't know
he was gonna come and scare us.
What were you thinking, Eric?
- We?
No, you told him and
then I killed him.
- Yeah, you did, I know.
I know!
It's awful, Karen, isn't it?
You must feel like a
really big piece of shit.
- Oh, thank you, Lucy.
This never would've happened
if you hadn't brought
that stupid gun.
- Well, you shot him
with the gun, Karen.
God, can you just help me
get this stupid
thing off my arm?
- If you ask nicer.
(saw whirring)
So you don't remember
anything from last night?
Howling at the moon,
eating rabbits.
- Nothing.
- What if you crap out some
random animal bone later?
- Shut up.
- What if you had
sex with a wolf?
- Karen!
- Sorry, it's interesting.
At least you know if
you join the circus
you could make a ton of money.
- Oh my god, thank God.
- High five.
- Oh yeah, high five.
What the hell did
you do that for?
- We need to figure this out
before you maul me tonight.
- Tonight?
Are you dumb?
There's not another
full moon for a month.
- No, the moon can appear
full for several nights.
The lunar cycle is 30 days,
the moon has eight
faces, you do the math.
- How do you know this?
- Roger, he was romantic.
- Of course he is.
Okay, so what you're telling me
is that there's another
full moon tonight?
- Yes.
Well technically, I don't know.
But better to be
safe than sorry.
- What, why didn't you
say anything before?
- I didn't think it was
actually gonna happen.
- Oh, shit!
Ow, ow, ow, ow!
What's happening?
Oh my god, what's
happening to me?
- The crazy lady, she said
your blood would turn black.
- Black blood, that's black,
black blood, that's black blood.
Oh my god, what are we gonna do?
- Go to the hospital?
- What, no way!
They're gonna cut me and
do experiments and shit.
- We need to clean your blood.
- How?
- Transfusion.
- Okay.
Okay, yeah, that sounds
like the worst idea
I've ever heard of
in my life, Karen.
- Okay, do you have any
other recommendations?
(Lucy groans)
- Okay, wait, so what, you would
run your blood through mine
until it's not black?
- No, I'm not going near that.
- Well then who?
- Eric?
I mean, he's got a full
tank and he's not using it.
- Well, who's gonna do it?
- Hello.
- You?
- I'm basically a nurse.
- You took two classes
three years ago.
- The knowledge is still fresh.
- Didn't you get Ds?
- It was passed fail.
- I'm gonna die.
- No, you're gonna live.
I got it.
(upbeat music)
- Oh my god, oh
my god, oh my god.
(Karen groaning)
Oh my god, please be careful.
- God, he's a heavy little guy.
Sorry, Eric.
- Hey, Karen, yeah, I
don't think I can do this.
I don't feel right about this.
I just think that we need...
Yeah, I don't think
I can do this.
- We don't have
any other option.
- I think we can think of some
other options besides this.
- Listen, I don't
wanna be that girl
who's like, yeah, I
had a best friend,
but then, scientists
chopped her up
into little pieces
and used her blood
to make wolf soldiers
to defeat the Russians.
- Okay.
Well, you know what,
you're gonna be telling
that cute little story
to the cops when they
arrest you for killing Eric.
You shot him in the face, Karen.
- I have everything
I need right here.
- Karen, please listen to me.
I don't wanna do this.
- Which one's the knife?
Do you know which
one the knife is?
- I'm just gonna assume
that there's no getting...
Yep, do your thing.
Jesus Christ.
- Okay, got it.
- What?
(Karen groaning)
- [Karen] It's so thick.
- It's thick?
- [Karen] Yeah.
- What the?
- [Karen] Do you think I
should make a bigger hole?
- Okay.
Not too big though.
- [Karen] Oh my
god, it's so lumpy.
- Why is it lumpy?
What are you doing?
Why are you looking
at me like that?
- I'm gonna cut one
of your veins open.
- Uh uh.
- Get some of the
infected blood out.
- I don't think it's
really that infected.
- Use these straws-
- What?
What, no, why are
you all hunched over?
- And siphon some
of Eric's blood.
- Siphon?
No, I'm not a lawnmower.
- No, you're a devil
wolf of the night.
- I hate you.
- You love me.
- No.
Ow, ow, ow!
- I haven't even
done anything yet.
- Oh my god, Karen,
I told you, I can't.
I can't do this.
I can't do this.
- I'm just going to make
a tiny little hole, okay?
- A tiny one?
- [Karen] Yeah.
- Like an itsy-bitsy tiny hole?
- Mm-hmm, itsy-bitsy,
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- On the count of three.
Three, two, one.
- No, no, no!
That doesn't feel tiny!
- Stop being such a baby!
Holy crap.
- What?
- Look at this.
(blood sizzling)
- Why is it like that?
Oh my god.
Oh my god.
Oh my god!
Get it out!
- Stop moving.
- Get it out, get it out,
get it out, get it out!
Where's Eric's blood?
I need Eric's blood!
- Right here.
- We need Eric's blood.
(Lucy slurping)
- You got it?
Swallow it.
- Okay.
- You're good.
- [Lucy] I swallowed it.
- Good.
- I'm good, okay.
- Hold it in, be strong.
- That's fine, it's down.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
- Swallow it.
- Come on.
(Lucy gagging)
Nope, I don't think it's...
(Lucy coughs)
- Don't!
- Okay.
- No!
(Lucy retching)
- Okay, I feel better now.
(Karen screaming)
(Karen sobbing)
Yeah, just cry it out.
(mellow music)
- I can't believe he's dead.
- I know.
- I'm definitely
going to jail, right?
I mean, I did shoot him.
- It was an accident.
- And I moved his body, and
attempted a blood transfusion.
- Yeah, that worked out great.
- Either way you slice
it, it doesn't look good.
I guess I can kiss my Friendly
Freeze dreams goodbye.
- What?
Karen, I love you, I really do,
but wallowing in your own
self-pity isn't gonna do shit.
And I'm honestly really scared
that you're gonna
wind up like your mom.
- What did you say to me?
Every week it is some
new stupid crap with you.
What was it, the donut
croissant hybrid?
That was a ridiculous idea.
- Karen.
- It's really easy
to judge someone
when you grow up in a nice home
and are constantly told
how amazing you are.
- Really?
- But you really
can't even wake up
before noon.
- Are you kidding me
right now?
- And you haven't
even accomplished
anything in your life.
- Are you kidding me right now?
- Your parents showered
you with opportunities.
My mother showered at a casino.
- You know what?
Oh my god, I'm so sorry, I
don't know what just happened,
I'm so sorry.
Oh my god, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
- It's fine, it's fine.
- You know what, you're
absolutely right.
You are, I am such a loser.
- You're not a loser.
- I am.
I'm never gonna be
as good as I was.
That's right, this is it.
This is it, Karen.
- Are you talking about
when you were student
counsel vice president?
- Yeah.
Nobody even ran against
me, I won by default.
- Luc?
- [Lucy] What?
- No one cares about that,
except for stupid people
who don't understand
how expiration dates
work on coupons.
It's not a big deal.
- That's easy for you to say.
- Scary Karen, you don't
think that ever bothered me?
They used to put a brown
line in a pair of underwear
and put it above my locker.
- They did do that.
Oh, God.
Are we the biggest
lame asses in town?
- No.
Eric is.
Or was.
So yeah, I guess we are.
- That's a shitty joke.
- Yeah, I am probably
going to Hell.
- Wait, Eric.
The book of spells, right?
- The binder?
- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
- I thought you
brought that as a joke.
- Yeah, I mean, I did,
but I mean, it's worth a try.
I mean, we've come this far.
(upbeat music)
- Binder, where are you?
Oh god, I need to
get my life together.
(creature growling)
What is that?
(upbeat music)
(Karen grunting)
- God, Jesus, you
keep doing that.
What's wrong?
- Not to make any
of this weirder,
but there is some strange
stuff going on outside.
I've been hearing sounds.
- Dude, me too.
What the hell is that?
- I don't know, but I
definitely saw something
out in the woods.
- You saw something?
Well, what did you see?
What did it look like?
- It looked like
trees and bushes
that were moving, like
a forest creature.
- Forest creature?
- Forest creature.
- Okay.
Anyway, the binder.
- Right, sorry.
Where did Eric get this?
- I think he got it
from his little brother,
who got it from some weird
cult or something like that.
- I heard his brother went
missing a couple years ago.
- Karen, just can we
stay focused, please?
- All right, well, this is dumb,
because we're not gonna find...
Oh, curing the werewolf virus.
That was surprisingly easy.
- Yeah.
- Looks like you
read the incantation
to the infected person.
All right, you ready?
- Yes.
- All right.
(Karen speaking in
foreign language)
- Did it get super cold
in here all of a sudden?
- I don't think so.
- Maybe I'm horny.
- Do you feel any different?
- No, same.
- I guess we're just gonna
have to wait 'til tonight then.
- Yeah, in the meantime,
can you just undo these,
because I really have to pee.
- I don't have the keys.
- What?
- You packed the handcuffs.
I don't know where
you put the keys.
- But I don't know
where the keys are.
- I mean, I went
to get the binder,
that's all you told me to get.
- You can't just handcuff
somebody to a bedpost
when you don't have the keys.
- Okay, I'm sorry.
I was trying to protect us.
- Give me this.
Maybe there's a spell in here
that can turn you into a dildo
so I can shove more
problems up my ass.
- Oh, real mature.
- Karen, you read
the wrong spell.
- What?
- [Lucy] Yeah.
- Oh, crappers.
- Yeah, you read the spell
for turning someone
into a zombie.
- Okay, that's confusing.
Yeah, but this points, that
arrow goes there, and that-
- Oh yeah, I see, that
is kind of confusing.
- This is a formatting issue.
- This is stupid.
- All right, but
on the bright side,
in order for that spell to work
you would need a
dead person to...
(Eric growling)
Oh my god!
- Oh my god!
Oh my god!
Come on!
It's all you!
It's all you, Karen,
I believe in you!
Come on, believe in yourself.
Karen, you can do this.
(Karen exclaiming)
(upbeat music)
- You smell so bad.
- Get him, Karen!
(Lucy cheering)
(blood splashing)
(Karen groaning)
That was good.
That was really good.
You did it.
You killed him twice, you
killed him twice. (sighs)
Are you okay?
- He scratched me
up pretty good.
- He did?
(Karen groaning)
Karen, no.
No, no, no, no!
No, no, no!
Oh my god.
Come on!
(Karen groaning)
Come on!
No, Karen, no!
Come on!
(upbeat music)
God, why is she so slow?
This one.
Nope, wrong one.
Oh my god, I still have to pee.
(Karen groaning)
Ah, good job.
Let's go that way.
Yeah, that way.
Here, Karen, look.
Look, Karen, it's hairspray.
Doesn't that smell nice?
Good job.
Okay, nice job.
Right on.
Okay, it's kind of weird
that you turned into
a zombie, but...
You're not supposed to be smart.
Okay, bye!
Good job, keep it up.
Keep up the good pace.
(upbeat music)
Oh, right.
Zombie, zombie,
zombie, zombie, zombie.
Oh, revenge monster,
that's interesting.
(Karen groaning)
Now she's fast?
Oh my god, wow, that's so gross.
(Karen hissing)
This thing has everything.
Give me a sec, Karen.
(Karen exclaiming)
Yes, zombie.
No, Karen.
(Lucy speaking in
foreign language)
Karen, is that you?
- What happened?
- Oh, thank God.
Yeah, you're maybe gonna
wanna go grab a rag
and kind of dab.
- What's on my face?
- I don't think you wanna know.
(Karen screaming)
- This is a peaceful
place to leave him.
- Yeah.
(flies buzzing)
Should we say something?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Hey, Eric, I'm sorry.
This is weird, right?
- It's only weird if
you make it weird.
- I just wish I could
talk to him again.
- Yeah, me too.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
- [Karen] What are you doing?
- Well, maybe there's
something in here
that can like bring him
back to life, I don't know.
- I think we already
did the zombie thing.
- Let me see.
Son of a bitch, this
thing has everything.
- Conjuring a soul back
into a deceased body.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Is that a good idea?
- I mean, yeah, it says
it only lasts one minute.
So I mean, what could go wrong?
- I don't think you
should say that.
- Okay, well, let's try.
(Lucy speaking in
foreign language)
(tense music)
- Eric?
(wind howling)
- Eric, hello?
(Eric screaming)
- Oh my god!
- Oh my god!
- You dick!
(Eric laughing)
- You piece of shit.
- That never gets old.
Oh my gosh.
Oh, ladies.
Ladies, ladies, ladies,
why'd you do this?
- I'm sorry, it was my fault.
You came to the window and I
was scared, it was an accident.
I would never hurt you.
- Where's my brain?
- You wanna take
that one, Karen?
- You were a zombie
and I was a zombie.
- She ate them.
- You don't remember?
I thought souls were
supposed to be all-knowing.
- Yeah.
- No, we're not,
Hannibal Lector.
- Oh.
- But I can travel
through walls.
- Cool.
- So I'm gonna watch you
two go to the bathroom
'til that gets boring.
(Lucy gasps)
- Oh my god.
- No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
I must look pretty terrible.
- Yeah.
- No.
- No.
You look great.
I actually don't think I've
ever seen you look better.
- Really?
- [Lucy] Yeah, you
look like so handsome.
- Thank you.
- So do people like
bone in Heaven?
- Where is Amelia Earhart?
- [Lucy] Are aliens real?
- Is God a woman?
- What religion is correct?
- Should I invest in
more Beanie Babies?
- Can you say hi to
my Aunt Bonnie for me?
- Who killed JFK?
- Do people fuck in Heaven?
(bell ringing)
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Yes, people do that in Heaven.
I haven't yet, but I'm gonna.
But I gotta tell you
guys something, okay,
you guys wanna hear
something crazy incredible?
- Yes!
- Yeah.
(clock ticking)
- Okay, okay.
So John Lennon-
(alarm ringing)
- [Karen And Lucy] No!
- Eric!
- Get him back!
- Wake up!
Wake up, Eric!
- Do the spell, do the spell.
- Okay.
Oh, oh, oh.
Can only use once.
- We wasted it.
- Yeah.
(creature growling)
- We gotta go.
- Okay.
Yeah, okay, you
go, I'll get this.
Make sure that you haunt me.
And the bathroom
thing is totally okay.
Bye, Eric.
(gentle music)
Wait, wait, wait, Karen,
don't go that way.
Let's go this way,
I know a shortcut.
- Oh, okay.
- So do you think your car's
like completely totaled?
- Probably.
- Really?
- It was on its last leg.
- That sucks.
There's a lot of good
memories in that car.
- [Karen] It's the only
thing my mom ever gave me.
- Well, technically it
was taken away from her
after her fifth DUI.
- That's fair.
At least we made it out alive.
- Well, wait.
Karen, I'm still a werewolf.
- Crappers.
- [Lucy] Shoot!
- The binder.
- Oh, yeah.
- Good thing it's
still daylight.
- Yeah.
(dramatic music)
- [Karen] What in the world?
- [Lucy] This can't be good.
(Karen coughing)
(creature growling)
(dramatic music)
- Where are we?
- [Lucy] What happened?
- [Bob] This is awkward.
- Oh my god, you're
hunting people, right,
that's what you're doing?
- And you take them
here, dismember them,
make lampshades
out of their skin.
Sick crap like that, right?
- What, no.
You guys are so silly.
But I do have a secret.
- I knew he was a sociopath.
- And I think it's
time to come clean.
- Oh, we're dead.
- For years and years,
I've been obsessed with-
- Murder?
- Bigfoot.
- I'm sorry, Bigfoot?
- Yeah.
I know, girls, it all
sounds kind of silly,
but my Robin would never fib.
She only saw the
good in the world.
And I try to do the same.
When she told me
that she saw Bigfoot,
of course I believed her,
I mean, why would she make
up something like that?
No one else in the
town believed her.
They all laughed
behind her back.
They called her the town loser.
My sweet Robin died
of a broken heart.
- Oh.
- Anyway, I'm sorry
you guys stumbled in
to my Bigfoot trap.
And I'm glad you're okay.
- Yeah, it's okay.
We're okay.
- I bet you heard some
of the craziest sounds
out there tonight.
- Yeah, what was that?
- This was the first
recording in '69.
(creature howling)
And this, the infamous
attack in '74 near Spokane.
- Wow.
(person screaming)
- And more recently,
the recording
by the stranded
truck driver in '86.
Oh, but you guys knew that one.
- Sure.
- So I created a loop that
was half distress call
and half rescue call.
Covered a lot of
ground that way.
- That's pretty creative, Bob.
- That's got to be
the craziest story
you have ever heard.
- You'd be surprised.
- So what are you
guys doing out here?
- Well, that's kind
of a long story too.
- Can't be any
stranger than mine.
- Oh, God.
Yeah, it's quite a doozy.
- Well, I'm all ears.
- Okay, so a crazy lady
came to the Friendly Freeze
and wanted free ice cream.
We didn't give it to her.
- Yeah, we made
fun of her instead.
- She had this creepy
sock puppet thing
and it bit Lucy in the arm.
- Yeah, she cursed me
to become a werewolf.
- So Eric followed us up here,
and he put on this wolf mask,
and he scared us.
- Yeah, she shot
him in the face.
- I'm sorry, what?
- Yeah, so I woke up naked
in the middle of nowhere,
with bugs all over my body.
And found Karen in
this little cabin here.
- And I had a pretty solid idea
to do a blood transfusion,
so I dragged Eric's
body back here.
- Yeah, it was actually
a complete shit show.
- And Lucy got this
spell book from Eric.
- Oh, Bob, you will not believe
what this thing can do.
- So long story short,
that's how we ended up
passed out under
your Bigfoot net.
- Yeah, you know, Bigfoot
net sounds pretty normal
compared to the day that we had.
- You're telling
me Eric is dead?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
He's out by the oak tree.
Oh, one more thing,
Lucy's still a werewolf
and she might transform
again tonight,
so we need to reverse the curse.
Where is the binder?
- Wait a minute, this
is a lot to take in.
Are you guys on drugs?
- Not right now, no.
- I think I'm gonna
have to call the police.
- Wait, hold on, Bob.
- Bob, come on.
- Hold on, Bon.
- We have had a gnarly day.
- [Bob] One of my
employees is dead.
- Can we deal with
this tomorrow?
I just wanna go home, maybe
eat a whole box of cereal.
That sounds good, right, Luc?
(Lucy grunting)
Oh no, the binder!
I need the binder!
There's a spell in here.
There's a spell in
here to solve it.
(Lucy groaning)
(Karen speaking in
foreign language)
It didn't work!
(Karen speaking in
foreign language)
I don't know this word.
- Give me that!
(Bob speaking in
foreign language)
- Bob, you did it!
You did it!
- Ow.
- Come on, Luc, let's
get you out of here.
How great are these spells?
- Huh?
Oh yeah, they're great.
Probably make a fortune
off of them or whatever.
Sell that Bigfoot stuff too.
- We could be rich.
- Girls, we need to
go see the sheriff.
- I have a bit of history
with Sheriff Flanders.
It's not like
sexual or anything.
(lights flickering)
Bob, I think you can
just go around this.
There's no one crossing.
I actually don't think anyone's
crossed for, well, ever.
So I think you're good.
- The lady that came
into the Friendly Freeze,
tell me again what
she looked like.
- Well, she kind of
looked like a tree.
I know that sounds really weird.
- She had crazy eyes.
- Yeah, and then she had
branches or like twigs
growing out of her fingernails,
I know that sounds
completely bizarre,
but that's what she looked like.
- When she looked at you,
was it like she was
staring through the windows
of your soul?
- Yeah.
- Did you know her, Bob?
- She came into the
shop about 20 years ago.
She asked for something to eat,
but didn't have any money.
I felt bad, so I gave
her my ice cream special.
She said good fortune
was coming to me,
and I swear not
five minutes later,
a beautiful woman
walked into my life.
Maybe she was some kind of
morality test or something.
- Well, we failed that.
- Yeah, I don't think this
thing ever stops flashing,
so I really think we
can just (whistles).
- So what happened
with the girl?
(Lucy sighs)
(gentle music)
(door slams)
- Okay, we can go.
(engine rattling)
- What's wrong?
- I'm not sure, let me check.
- I guess we'll just
stay here forever,
for the rest of our lives.
I have to pee.
- You're on your own.
- Really?
- You heard what Eric said,
his ghost is watching
us go, one and two.
- Why do you care?
I'm the one peeing.
- Need help, Bob?
(foreboding music)
(leaves rustling)
Thanks for sharing
your story, Bob.
Your wife sounded like
a really lovely woman.
- Oh, she sure was.
Come on, Elkie
girl, you can do it.
(Lucy screaming)
- Guys, guys, we need to go.
We gotta go.
There's like people
coming out of the woods
in white cloaks.
I know what that sounds like,
but they're after
me, so we gotta go.
- No, these woods
can be very scary,
I think they just
got the best of you.
- No, no, no, Bob,
it's not like that.
It's not the woods, it's
people coming out of the woods
and they're gonna kill us,
so we gotta go, are you ready?
Let's go.
We have to go!
Look, look, there they are!
- Oh my god.
- [Lucy] Do you see them?
- Oh my god, we need to go!
We need to go!
- What do you want from us?
- That's the summon
from the book.
Lucy, do you think
they want this?
- I don't know.
- Get in the car, get in
the car, get in the car.
Okay, start the car,
Bob, start the car.
They're getting closer,
(engine rattling)
start the car, Bob.
- Bob, start the car!
- Come on, Elkie!
- Yes, yes!
(tires squealing)
- Yeah, we're gone, bitches!
(gentle music)
- Bob.
- I know you.
Do you need help?
Are you lost?
- No.
I found exactly what
I was looking for.
- Hey!
You cursed her and
we defeated you,
fair and square, with this.
No, no!
- Karen!
- You may have broken the curse,
but you'll never escape me.
- [Bob] Go, save
yourselves, get out of here.
- [Lucy] Come on.
- No!
- Karen, what are you doing,
we have to go, come on!
- We can't leave!
- Karen, if we don't
leave, we're dead.
We lose!
- We have to do something.
- No, Karen, I'm so
sick of being a loser.
- If you're a loser
then I'm a loser.
- No, I'm sorry, I have to go.
I'm so sorry, I have to
go, you're on your own.
I'm done.
- Bob!
- I told you to go.
- I couldn't leave you,
you're like my family.
The Friendly Freeze
is all I've got.
- Oh, do you want
a Friendly Freeze?
Here, why don't
you try this one?
- No, stop!
- Scary Karen.
Let's try to keep it in
your pants this time, huh?
You're a failure, you're
doomed, just like your mother.
- Don't you dare
talk about my mother!
(dramatic music)
- Like mother, like daughter.
Why would you help
these heathens?
- They're good girls.
Sometimes bizarre and
misguided, but good.
- But I gave you the
love of your life.
This is how you repay me?
That's such a shame.
Eventually, you would've
been reunited with your wife,
but now, I gotta
take you with me,
along with this loser.
- Hey!
You creepy woodland bitch.
She may be a loser,
but she's my loser.
(Bob groaning)
(Mother Nature groaning)
- [Mother Nature] Oh, shit!
(Bigfoot snarling)
- [Lucy] Where is she?
- What happened?
- Did you see him?
- Who?
- He's real.
I always knew he was real.
- [Lucy] Bob,
there's no one here.
Who are you talking about?
(upbeat music)
Roll back the years
- [Person On Phone] Hello?
Are you there?
I want to speak to the manager.
- Hey, what's up, Bob?
- [Karen] Taking
the day off, Bob?
- More than that,
I got some news.
- Now what?
(keys jingling)
- I am giving you the
Friendly Freeze, Karen.
- Oh my god, Bob,
that's like the
nicest thing, man.
Dude, score.
- Are you serious?
- After the other
night, I don't know,
I felt released from
this place, you know?
I always believed my wife,
but now I know for sure.
Anyways, I'm heading
up to Alaska.
- You looking for a Yeti?
- Nope, singles cruise.
- Whoa, that's awesome, Bob.
- This town has a funny way
of underestimating people.
But the other night,
you proved yourselves
what you're made of,
and that's the important thing.
- Well, you'll always
have a chair here, Bob.
- [Bob] Thanks.
- When you come back into town,
you can try a Shaky Shiver.
- What's that?
- You'll see.
- All right, girls, take
good care of this place.
- We will.
(upbeat music)
(register beeping)
(tense music)
- Oh, crappers.
- Yes, ma'am.
(bell dings)
- Black raspberry sugar
cone, don't skimp, skank.
- I'll get it.
(register beeping)
- Where's Bob?
- He's gone, went up north.
- And when is he coming back?
- I don't know, maybe never.
- You two waste-oids are
now running this place?
- Yeah, I'm the new owner.
- And I'm the new
manager in training.
- Well, you guys-
- Hold that thought,
be right back.
A Shaky Shiver on the house.
- Did you shit in
this, Scary Karen?
- No.
(Karen Too slurping)
- This is amazing.
- Have a good one.
- Curing one loser
at a time. (laughs)
- I know we have to
be nice to people
if we want to make money,
but God, what I would
give to have that binder
to cast a spell
on that slut bag.
- As a matter of fact-
- What did you do?
Okay, this is cute, but
it's only like two spells,
how to turn someone into
a zombie and how to-
- Turn it over.
(upbeat music)
(bell dings)
- Hey, sorry, we're-
- Hey, you must be Lucy.
What's up, Lucy?
- Roger.
- The rebel.
- What are you doing here?
- Oh my god.
- Yeah, I'm on a quest to
reunite with my dark angel.
You know what I'm saying?
And I've heard that she's
become quite the land baron,
so it's time to reunite
and join forces,
you know what I'm saying,
because we're both
Like, we could join
like The Wonder Twins.
Like, she could be the shampoo
and I'm the conditioner.
Silk and smoothy, you
know what I'm saying?
- Roger, it's not happening.
- You know, I feel a little
discrimination in this room
'cause people are envious
of our sexual deliciousness,
so I'ma leave you be and let
you make your sweet tooth.
Let me get a hee, hee.
Hee, hee.
(Lucy sighs)
Just one hee?
- Hee, hee.
- You did it?
- [Roger] That's what
I'm talking about.
- Well, if it's
gonna make him live.
- [Roger] You got shot
by the bang, bang.
- Go home, Roger!
- I think I just...
Oh my god, I'm having
a panic attack.
All right, I'm okay.
- Say hi to your mom though.
(upbeat music)
See the sun about to set
Feel the evening,
it's just slightly wet
Another beautiful day
in the great outdoors
Head back to the
rusty campground
But wait, oh now,
what's that sound
Like a hellhound
howling at your door
Oh, it's just
bumbling bad Bigfoot
Beyond the bushes,
by the bluffs
Bumbling bad Bigfoot, he
ain't never had enough
Bumbling bad Bigfoot,
beware and be warned
He'll be howling 'til
the light of morn
The legend has it
he's 10 feet tall
With arms so long
he can tear and fall
Trample under foot
like a pumpkin squashed
He's the tall tale
of every tide in town
There ain't no way
to hunt him down
He's the one and
only Sasquatch
Well, it's just
bumbling bad Bigfoot
Beyond the bushes,
by the bluffs
Bumbling bad Bigfoot, he
ain't never had enough
Bumbling bag Bigfoot,
beware and be warned
He'll be howling 'til
the light of morn
It's just bumbling
bad Bigfoot
Beyond the bushes,
by the bluffs
Bumbling bad Bigfoot, he
ain't never had enough
Bumbling bad Bigfoot,
beware and be warned
He'll be howling 'til
the light of morn
He'll be howling 'til
the light of morn
(mellow music)