Shane Gillis: Beautiful Dogs (2023) Movie Script

[crowd murmuring]
["Tops Drop" by Fat Pat playing]
[crowd cheering]
[presenter] Ladies and gentlemen,
Shane Gillis!
[crowd cheering]
Trunks pop, tops drop
See, and the front end hop
Paint fly, screens on
Acting bad in the zone
Yeah, it's on riding chrome
Balling at my home
Texas plates, don't hate
Showing up in the state
Can't wait, get it straight
While the front end break
Paid the cost to be the boss
Looking good when I floss
Sunshine, let it down
Turn it up and clown
Fool around, hit your block...
Thank you.
[indistinct yelling]
Thank you.
That was very nice.
[indistinct yelling]
Nice, it's good to be here.
It's good to be down here in Virginia.
[audience chuckles]
Down here in Virginia.
Virginia's alright.
I like it down here. It's nice.
Yeah, it's alright.
We traveled a lot for this.
We went to Australia this year.
It was alright.
[audience chuckles]
Anytime I go to another country,
as I get out of the airport,
and start driving around, I'm like...
[chuckles] "Dude."
"This is your fucking country, dude?"
Other countries suck.
America's number one. It's not, like...
It's not even close.
[crowd cheering]
It's official.
I've been to, like, three other countries.
It's official.
- [audience laughs]
- And the other countries hate it too.
They hate that we're number one.
You ever tell them?
You ever go to another country
and tell 'em we're number one?
Swim up to, like, a pool bar and just...
[audience laughs]
"Did you know we're number one?"
They hate it. They try
to bring up bullshit to bring us down.
"What about all the mass shootings
you guys have all the time?"
I say, "At least we're not gay."
[all laughing]
You know?
There's really not
a good comeback to that, 'cause...
it's a pretty serious problem.
And we're the only country doing that.
We're not making any adjustments.
[audience laughs]
"None. What, we're gonna give up our guns
like a bunch of fucking gay guys?"
[audience laughs]
"Yeah, right, dude."
"No, we're just gonna have
shootings all the time."
No, Australia's good.
I was shittin' on it.
Australia... Australia might be number two.
That's a good country, dude.
Just a whole country doing nothing.
That's what I like about 'em.
They're just down there, zero exports.
Creating nothing, dude.
The only export
I've seen come out of Australia
is just that YouTube video of that guy
punching that kangaroo in the face.
[all laughing]
You know that video? That kangaroo
holding that dog hostage out in the woods.
[audience laughs]
Owner shows up,
squares up with the kangaroo.
No hesitat...
Kangaroo knew it was a fight too.
[audience laughs]
Guy just walks up... Bam!
If you've seen the video,
you know how good that impression is.
- [audience applauds, cheers]
- [laughing]
Australia gave us that.
Australia also gave us
Love on the Spectrum.
[audience cheering]
Love on the Spectrum.
Thank you, Australia.
Incredible show.
Truly an incredible...
Actually, an incredible...
- How did this show get made?
- [audience laughs]
That's an insane show.
Only Australia
could have come up with this.
Only Australians would be like...
[in Australian accent] "Alright."
"Know how autistic people are extremely
uncomfortable in social settings."
[audience laughs]
"Stick a camera in these fuckin' retards'
face and watch 'em talk."
[audience laughs]
No, dude.
Don't do that.
We're all gonna watch it,
but don't do that.
[audience laughs]
"Look at him trying to fuck."
No, Australia ruled. I only...
I only had one negative experience
while I was there and it was, uh...
I got... I got bullied.
I got made fun of publicly by a goth.
They still have goths, dude. Full-on.
Black trench coat, black eyeliner.
And they made fun of me.
I'll give him credit, in his defense,
the reason he was making fun of me
was 'cause I was wearing a bucket hat.
[audience chuckles]
I had never done that before.
There were no Black people on the island,
I was taking fashion chances all the time.
That's the thing about these countries,
England, Scotland, Ireland, Australia.
No Black people.
And I know what you're thinking.
- Nah. [laughs]
- [audience laughs]
No, you need Black people
to keep the whites in check.
The last thing you want
is a whole island of whites
that think they're
the coolest people on earth.
A disaster. That's how you end up
with Conor McGregors walking around.
"Blah blah blah blah."
It's like, "Shut up, dude."
- The foreign whites are out of control.
- [all laughing]
American whites, we're humble.
[audience laughs]
We know we're not the coolest guys around.
It's the foreign whites, dude.
- [audience member] Yeah!
- Yeah. [chuckles]
"Yes!" [laughs]
"Preach, brother!" [laughs]
[audience laughs]
For real, though.
There's a reason every good NBA player
that's white is from another country.
The audacity to think
you can play in that league, dude.
The fucking arrogance.
Every white dude in America saw
a Black kid dunking like, in eight grade,
and it was just, like, "Oh, alright."
[audience laughs]
"There goes that dream."
[audience laughs]
"I'll just set picks
for the next four years."
Just box out hard as hell.
White people used to be cool in America.
[audience laughs]
Long time ago, dude.
The height... The height of white people
being cool was us going...
[in Transatlantic accent] "Meh."
That was as cool as we got.
Like, "Mah, see? Ha-ha. Wah."
[speaking normally] And then the day
white people stopped being cool
was Jackie Robinson's first game.
[audience laughs]
You can look it up, dude.
You can find it, you can find
the radio call from that game online.
You can hear the exact moment
white people stopped being cool.
You can hear the announcers, they go...
[in Transatlantic accent] "Mah.
Chicago, with the White Sox,
take on the Brooklyn Dodgers."
[speaking normally] We all had cool,
white nicknames.
[in Transatlantic accent]
"Up at the mound is Ol' Curly."
"He's a 47-year-old alcoholic.
He's the greatest athlete alive."
[audience laughs]
"Runs a six-second, 40-yard dash."
"Fastest man alive, they say."
[speaking normally]
Then it happened, dude.
Then Jackie came up to the plate,
you can hear
the announcers were like, "Meh."
[all laughing]
"Coming on to the plate
is a young colored boy, from Brooklyn."
"No way he can hit Curly's pitch."
"Here comes the pitch! Fuck, home run."
[audience laughs]
That was it, dude.
Jackie hit the ball so hard he knocked
that voice out of all the whites.
Not one of us has talked like that since.
It was one swing of the bat,
and we're like, "Meh!"
[clears throat] "All right, yeah,
that was pretty good. That was good."
"That was good, it's time for us
to focus on computers."
[audience laughs]
I was in Australia.
I was in a bucket hat.
I was already self-conscious
about the bucket hat.
Tried it on in the hotel.
Just looked like fucking John Candy.
- It was...
- [all laughing]
I was with my friend, he's a good friend,
"I look like a fucking dumbass, right?"
He was like, "No, dude, you look cool."
"Who cares? No one's gonna give a fuck."
I was like, "Alright, fine."
As soon as we got outside of the hotel,
somebody gave a fuck.
I got made fun of immed... It was the goth.
The goth. I didn't even see him coming.
He came out of the shadows, like they do.
This fucking guy.
I was standing talking to my friend.
He was walking behind us on the sidewalk.
He walked behind me,
took my hat off my head,
put it back down
and patted me on the head.
I turned around, smiling at him.
'Cause I thought,
"Only a friend could have done this."
This guy kept walking.
He didn't even break stride.
He goes, "Nice hat, fatso!"
[audience laughs]
Destroyed me for no... I had no comeback.
I was just like, "Yeah, right!"
[audience laughs]
I was like that fucking kangaroo.
[audience laughs]
"What was that about?"
That was six months ago.
I've thought about that guy every day.
Every day. I hate him.
I hate everything...
I hate that he's a goth from Australia.
It's like, you can't be that.
You can't be a goth from Australia.
You sound funny.
You can't... Know what I mean?
That guy can't go around like...
[in Australian accent]
"All day I think about death."
- [audience laughs]
- [speaking normally] "Shut up, dude."
[in Australian accent]
"I'm very dark and twisted."
[audience laughs]
[speaking normally] No, you're not.
You're Australian, you sound funny.
Australian accent is one of those accents
that's funny... every single time.
You could be in the middle
of a fucking tragedy,
if you heard an Australian accent,
you'd still be like... [chuckles]
[audience laughs]
You know what I mean?
Like, if there was, like,
an Australian guy in the office on 9/11...
[in Australian accent]
"Oh, fuck, look out!" Like...
[audience laughs]
"Oh no, there's another one. Get down!"
[audience laughs]
"Oh, fuck, it's hot up here.
Gonna have to jump out!"
[audience laughs]
[audience laughs]
[grunts affirmatively]
[audience cheering]
[speaking normally] Oh, a 9/11 joke.
That was great, bravo!
I'll tell you this,
on a more serious note.
This is something
I'm dealing with in my life.
I just recently found out that
the girl I'm dating,
her ex is a Navy SEAL.
[audience chuckling]
- That sucks.
- [audience laughs]
That sucks dick, dude.
That's the worst sex of all time.
I never even thought of...
You wanna feel insecure as a man?
That's the wor...
I never... never even thought of that one,
as like, "That could happen to me."
I spent my whole life thinking,
"Black guy, worst case on this..."
[all laughing]
And by the way, I mean that with all
due respect to the Black community, dude.
For real,
I wish people feared my dick like that.
[audience laughs]
I wish my dick struck fear
into entire races.
Nobody fears my dick, dude.
[audience laughs]
Nobody fears my dick.
Other than, like,
women in parking garages, they...
[all laughing]
Get me in a parking garage,
all of a sudden
my dick's top of the food chain.
See me lurking
behind a pillar in there, just...
[audience laughs]
With a GameStop bag. Just...
[audience laughs]
Naw, dude, Navy SEAL.
It's a tough one.
I do this thing, it's not a good thing,
but whenever... whenever I'm dating a girl,
I always talk shit on their exes.
It's not a good look.
Women don't respect it.
Kinda makes me look like a bitch.
I like it.
- I per...
- [all laughing]
I can't stop doing it.
And normally it's easy.
Normally it's like, "What does your ex do?
He's a fucking substitute teacher?"
"It's weird he wants to hang out
with kids, like, that bad?" You know?
[audience laughs]
This one's tough.
He's a tough ex to make fun of.
I'm walking around the apartment all day,
just, "Pfft!"
"Fucking Navy SEALs..."
[audience laughs]
They're kind of pussies
if you really think about it.
You know what I mean? Like,
using night vision, sneaking up on guys...
That's a fucking
coward's way to fight, dude.
[audience laughs]
You know who's actually brave? Al-Qaeda.
- Yeah.
- [audience laughs]
That takes courage and bravery.
With their pajamas,
throwing rocks at tanks.
Heroic shit, dude,
just you and your boys going out.
[laughing] In flip-flops.
You're all gonna get fucked up, dude.
[audience laughs]
No training.
Zero military training, dude. Those guys...
Those dudes had fuckin'...
They had one set of monkey bars.
That's what they all trained on.
[all laughing]
And they were proud of the monkey bars.
You remember that video?
You've seen them using the monkey bars.
They were pr... They... They filmed
themselves using the monkey bars,
and then sent that tape
out to the world, like...
"Not bad."
[all laughing]
A buddy of mine watches like, uh...
like death videos on the internet.
I don't.
He watches them.
If we're hanging out,
I'll watch... We watch... I watch...
I was at his place, watch...
I don't know if you know this,
the war in the Middle East
is just on the internet.
The whole fucking...
Every dude out there on both sides
was wearing GoPros the entire time.
Like, you can watch it... We watched,
like, three hours of the war in Iraq.
After the first hour, I found myself
starting to cheer... Not cheer, but, like...
[audience laughs]
...relate. I felt like I could relate more
to the monkey bars guys.
They were a little more my speed.
Ever wonder how you would do out there?
Watch those guys.
Those are just normal fuckin' dudes.
The second shots are fired,
there's no game plan,
they're just, "Oh, shit!"
[audience laughs]
Very relatable. Guns jamming.
Trying to fire a rocket.
It goes straight fucking backwards.
[audience laughs]
They look like me trying to fire a gun,
their feet move when they shoot.
[audience laughs]
Very relatable.
They also have never won.
They ne... They got fucked up
every single time.
Bad. They would blow up
like one truck every five months.
They'd be just as surprised as everybody
that shit finally worked out.
You can hear it in their voice.
Something blows up, they'd be like, "Oh!"
[yelling, chuckles]
Yeah, dude, that's a human reaction.
That's relatable.
That's what I would do
if I saw a fucking explosion.
- I'd go, "Oh!"
- [audience laughs]
That's human.
You ever watch us kill people?
I can't relate to that at all.
There's some Black Hawk helicopter
with night vision
mows down, like, 40 people.
Pilot gets on, he just goes...
- [mimics radio chatter] "Clear."
- [audience laughs]
Just flies away?
It's like, "Yo, that's a psycho.
That guy didn't give a fuck about that."
At least ISIS is down there having fun,
dancing afterwards.
[audience laughs]
You know?
It's like Ewok village down there, dude.
[audience laughs]
Also, I'm not... I'm not actually pro-ISIS.
[audience laughs]
Alright? It's just...
A Navy SEAL did fuck my girlfriend.
[audience laughs]
And I am having a pretty tough time
dealing with that.
It sucks, dude.
Can't get it out of my head.
Some fucking cool, jacked hero...
just getting tactical
on my sweet baby's pussy.
[audience laughs]
Just clearing out every corner
of my sweet angel's box.
Just checking behind every door in there.
Just, "Clear, go, red team, advance."
[audience laughs]
Now, I'm in there, fucking... [hollers]
[audience laughs]
I know we're laughing,
having a good time, but that does suck.
That sucks.
That absolutely sucks.
Sexually I have to... I have to follow
a fucking Navy SEAL?
They never quit until the job's done,
dude, that's their whole thing.
I quit. A lot. Alright?
The job's done when I'm tired,
which is usually
pretty early into the mission.
[audience laughs]
My arms start shaking pretty early.
They give out. Next thing you know,
we're having belly-to-belly missionary.
[audience laughs]
Just hunched over, breathing in her ear
like a pug for five minutes.
[breathing heavily]
Just coughing.
Coughing during sex is funny.
[audience laughs]
You guys know belly-to-belly missionary,
dude, don't fuckin'...
I saw this crowd, dude.
I see you, boy...
Lot of belly-to-belly tonight, dude.
This guy's hunched over. Just...
You don't even think about that noise
you're making in that poor woman's ear.
Every woman in this room
has heard that noise.
You've never...
The only way I can describe it is,
you ever lay down,
and the dog starts sniffing in your ear?
[audience laughs]
That's what it sounds like...
[mimics dog sniffing]
[audience laughs]
[moans, grunts]
No, my girlfriend and I,
we have sex and it's fine.
It's okay.
One thing that's funny about it is,
it's a new enough relationship that
my girlfriend is still loud during sex.
You remember that?
You remember that phase?
Still new enough in the relationship
that my girlfriend, like,
screams every time we have sex.
I'm just up there, like, "Yeah, right!"
[audience laughs]
"Yeah, right, lady."
"I've seen women walk through this,
no problem."
I mean, it's nice, it's a nice gesture.
And sometimes it tricks me,
I'm like, "Yeah."
[audience laughs]
"Yeah, maybe it's not gonna fit."
[audience laughs]
No, it's gonna fit.
It's gonna fit.
It's gonna fall out a couple times.
[audience laughs]
No, the screaming phase is about done.
We moved in together,
so that's when that ends.
Once you... Before you live together,
sex is like, "Yeah, fuck me, meh."
Once you move in together,
sex slowly becomes just,
some lady laying on a bed
next to a pile of unfolded laundry, just...
[inhales rhythmically]
"Ow, you're on my hair!"
[audience laughs]
No, we live together now. My girlfriend
moved in with me, so we have sex and, uh...
As soon as we're done having sex,
I wish that she would fucking evaporate.
- [audience laughs]
- I'm frightened. [chuckling]
No, who would know? You guys are right,
I hate playing Xbox by myself, dude.
- [audience laughs]
- What the fuck?
[sarcastically] I love having her around
all the time.
Fucking turning on lights.
Asking me to hang out.
[audience laughs]
No, we hang out. I'm just not used to it.
I'm not used to...
I'm not used to hanging out
with a woman all the time.
I'm not used to hanging out with women.
I don't have any female friends.
I'm more of a
having-a-good-time type of guy.
- You know?
- [audience laughs]
I don't even know what women do for fun.
Fucking fold shit, or something like that?
[audience laughs]
Huh? [chuckles]
Look, I know that's not
the best joke of all time.
From your seats,
that's not the most well-crafted joke.
"What do women do? Fold shit?"
But from up here, from up here,
it's a very, very funny joke.
I get to say something as dumb as,
"What do women do? Fold shit?"
And look out and see
about 15 different women going...
[audience laughs]
I understand, most of the women here
are girlfriends
that were dragged to this show,
that already don't like me
'cause every time they're in their car,
their boyfriends are like,
"Listen to this part of the podcast."
[audience laughs]
- Yeah.
- [audience cheers]
I'm aware.
[audience cheering]
And now... And now those women are here,
and the show is going
exactly how they knew it was gonna go.
Some dumb ogre on stage like,
"Women are dumb, ah!"
So, no, I appreciate it. I appreciate you.
Sweet angels.
I found this out
from hanging out with my girlfriend, uh...
I didn't know that women...
women watch porn now.
[audience member] Whoo!
- Shame! What's that? [laughs]
- [audience laughs]
No, I'm sorry.
I'll say this about that.
I think women watching porn
is having a negative effect on all of us.
You know what I mean? We can't both
come into the bedroom
thinking we can fuck like that.
Have you fucked someone lately?
Everyone thinks they're in a porn, dude.
Every time you fuck a lady,
she's all... [makes guttural noises]
Every dude's like... [makes dumb noises]
Everyone... What are we doing? Stop.
Belly-to-belly is pretty good.
It feels the same.
[audience laughs]
Everyone thinks they're a porn star.
You're not, dude, those are professionals.
You're not good enough to fuck like that.
First off, if you're a dude
and you're good at sex,
that's gay.
[audience laughs]
I hate to break it to you, dude,
that's a girl quality.
Now, I'm not... I'm not sayin' it's bad.
I'm saying it was bad enough already
when it was just men watching porn,
coming into the bedroom
with fucking ideas.
From shit... Know what I mean?
It was bad enough when it was just me,
coming in there, just...
- [grunts]
- [audience laughs]
[straining] "I watched
a squirt tutorial earlier."
[audience laughs]
She's like, "I can't squirt."
Like, "You all can squirt, actually."
Some girl just forces herself to pee
to get you to stop doing it.
It's like, "You did it, baby."
"Yeah, obviously I did it."
Yeah, you can't do the cool moves
you see in porn. Just have regular...
Just do regular. You don't have to...
You ever try 'em? You ever think you can?
You ever try to, like,
cum in a girl's face?
Not as cool...
They're a lot less receptive in real life.
That's... That whole process
is a fucking nightmare, dude.
It's a disaster.
It's just you,
the girl you love is down there...
You've been begging her
for three months to try this.
Finally she's like, "Yeah, you can do it."
You're like, "Yes!"
"It'll be just like
the videos I watch every day,
that's my favorite part..."
Now you get to do it.
You think it's gonna be awesome.
It's not.
It's just you up there, alone.
It's cold...
She's at... She's being nice.
She's like, "Are you okay?"
Now you can feel it.
"Alright, here it comes."
"This is gonna be awesome.
She's gonna love this."
As soon as it hits her...
[audience laughs]
They freeze.
And then once it's on 'em,
they, like, don't know how to move.
Know what I mean?
Like, you ever put socks on a cat?
[audience laughs]
You feel bad 'cause the cum's out of you
and you realize what you've done.
You feel terrible, you've got a fucking...
You gotta pick her up off the ground.
I feel like, the same energy
as when a toddler falls,
like, "Come here,
get up, you're all right."
"You're all right!"
[scattered applause]
We'll never do it again.
[audience cheering]
Alright, enough of this cum talk.
I'll tell you.
This was making me laugh. I was on, uh...
I was on Twitter
and I saw a picture of this guy,
and he was... he was
retiring from the military,
and when he retired,
he posted a picture of himself,
full military uniform, all of his medals,
but he was wearing a, uh, furry mask,
like a sexual dog mask.
[man] Yeah!
And he posted it, "Now that I'm retiring
from the military, I can come out and say
I've been into puppy play
this entire time."
And he tweeted it, he said,
"Officer Bow-wow out."
He said... He said like, "#servicedog."
It was rough.
- [laughs]
- [audience laughs]
For real, that was on X. [laughs]
But he tweeted it,
so of course, Russia and China's Twitter,
they got ahold of it,
they started talking shit.
They were like, "Look at our military,
a bunch of jacked, skinhead dudes."
"Then look at America's military,
there's, like, transgender people,
the dog general..."
[audience laughs]
They're making fun of us. Making memes.
They're like, "Look how tough
and masculine our army is."
"Look how weak and gay America is."
But I was looking at the pictures
and I was like...
"Dog general is the scariest soldier
I've ever fucking..."
I've never imagined in my...
Dude, just some sexual freak,
operating drones,
that thinks he's a fucking dog? Just...
[laughing] Whoa.
You know how fucking scary that guy is?
Deleting villages.
That guy's terrifying.
The gayer the army, the scarier.
Forever, dude, throughout history.
Think of any army throughout history,
imagine them gay.
[audience member] Nazis!
Gay Nazis?
Just when you thought those guys
couldn't look any sharper, they...
[audience laughs]
Gay Vikings?
Gay Vikings, dude.
You're just some villager,
looking out on the shoreline.
See a bunch of Viking longships coming.
You're like, "Oh, no."
"It's the Vikings."
"They're gonna rape
our wives and daughters."
Then they pull up
their fucking rainbow flag on their boat,
and they're just like...
"Oh, fuck!"
- [laughs]
- [audience laughs]
"Oh, that's way worse!"
[Shane chuckles]
I like history. [chuckles]
I'm a bit of a history buff.
Which, by the way,
that is early onset Republican.
That's very...
It's a very serious warning sign.
If you're a white dude in your 20s and 30s
and you're like,
"I can't stop reading about World War II,"
- it's coming, brother, you might...
- [audience laughs]
You might not be Republican right now.
You might be young, cool and liberal.
Might think you're safe. Dude, you're not.
It doesn't happen overnight,
it takes time.
It takes... You think your dad
wanted to be Republican?
That he got out of high school and like,
"Time to be a prick about everything."
- [audience laughs]
- No, dude, it takes time.
I'm not a Republican right now,
but I can feel it. It grows.
"Ugh." I've gotta fight it. Every day.
Like a fucking werewolf.
[audience laughs]
I'll just be watching TV, out of nowhere...
"Ah, why are Black guys
in every commercial?"
[audience laughs]
"Mermaids are white!"
[audience laughs]
"I'm 35, that's important to me!"
They are white, and...
[all laughing]
I'm not joking on that one. [laughs]
No, I like history, so it's coming.
I'm not a Republican now, but it's coming.
There's no...
When I'm on the road...
I travel every fucking weekend,
there's nothing to do during the day.
At night you do standup.
During the day, I travel every weekend.
Sometimes I like to visit, like,
historical places throughout the country.
- [man chuckles]
- A couple summers ago...
- Don't laugh at that.
- [audience laughs]
Shut up, dude, it's not lame at all.
[audience laughs]
What the fuck...
Guy just laughed at me from the balcony...
"Dork!" [chuckles]
So, a couple of summers ago,
I was in Washington DC,
and I went
and I visited, uh, Mount Vernon.
I went and I visited
George Washington's house.
Uh, turns out,
it was George Washington's plantation.
[audience laughs]
"Ah! Shucks!"
I get... I'm the only one there.
It was the first summer during COVID,
I'm the only visitor there.
It's me... And if you've been there before,
it's 15 reenactors
that don't break character.
They stay... Everyone else was in the 1700s.
I was the only guy there.
Like, I signed up for the tour,
and my tour guide was Martha Washington.
It wasn't her, it was some fat bitch.
[audience laughs]
I saw right through it.
I signed up for the tour, so me and Martha
have to hang out together for 15 minutes
to see if anybody else signs up for, like,
the three o'clock tour or whatever.
Of course they don't.
I gotta make small talk with a woman
that won't stop pretending to be
from the 1700s.
It's fucking insane. What do you say?
I was just out there with her like,
"Where's George Washington?"
[audience laughs]
She's like, "Oh, the General?"
"He won't be joining us today."
"He's in his chambers,
it's just you and I."
I was like...
- "What, are you..." [laughs]
- [audience laughs]
- "You tryin' to fuck me...?"
- [audience laughs]
Never broke... No one broke cha... I...
Enough time's gone by,
I've had enough to think about
why nobody would break character
while I was there.
And for real, I'm certain they thought
I was a special needs man.
[audience laughs]
Like, they all got together and were like,
"It's obviously a big day for this guy."
"Nobody break character,
let's make it magic for him."
Like, they watched me
park my car when I got there.
And when I got out they were like, "Oh."
[audience laughs]
"One of the driving ones. Look at him."
[audience laughs]
It was also during COVID
and the mask did not do me any favors.
You can always see my eyes,
I got the eyes for it. It was sunny out...
[audience laughs]
It also... It also didn't help
I walked up to my tour guide like,
"Where's George Washington?"
[audience laughs]
She's like, "Oh, you're a big guy!"
I was like, "Yeah..."
So, me and Martha...
Me and Martha go in for the tour.
Due to COVID restrictions at the time,
we were not allowed to speak indoors.
All right? So for $36,
me and a woman
dressed like Martha Washington
fucking dead silently walked through...
For a full hour.
You need to be able to talk for this tour
to have any value at all.
There's nothing to read in there,
it's just old chairs and shit.
Me and this lady went room to room
for an hour and this was the tour.
[audience laughs]
I was in the corner of every room, just...
"I'm not gettin' it."
We get outside and she's like,
"Do you have any questions?"
"Yeah, what the fuck was that?
What was that?"
"What'd you and me just do?"
So that was the end of me and Martha.
I go off by myself.
I started looking around.
Like I said,
it was the first summer during COVID.
Alright? So we're in the middle, you know,
we're in the middle
of tearing-down-statue season.
And I was at the Founding Fathers'
plantation during all of that.
So I wanted to check out
the slave quarters.
Wanted to see what all the fuss was!
[audience laughs]
Uh-huh! No, whatever. Fuck you, guys.
What'd you guys do?
- [audience laughs]
- What'd you guys do that summer?
Fuckin' post black squares
on your Instagram?
Is that what you did?
[audience cheering]
How dare you judge me?
How dare... I was there.
Boots on the ground
at a Founding Fathers' plantation.
Growing. Learning as a white... Becoming...
[all laughing]
For real, though, I was in there,
in George Washington's slave quarters.
The first thing you do when you walk
to Washington's slave quarters, is you go,
- "Ooh."
- [audience laughs]
Somehow worse
than I thought they were gonna be.
It's rough, dude.
That guy had a fucking dungeon.
For real. You didn't know?
And I'm in there,
and I'm by myself, and I'm like...
Remember that time was
a tense fucking time in this country,
and I'm there by myself,
like, "Jesus fucking Christ."
And then I hear some footsteps
coming down the path behind me.
And now,
blocking the only exit of the room
was a slave reenactor...
They have those there.
And he did not break character.
I turned around, he was like,
"Oh, well, hello there, sir."
I was like...
"Jesus Christ, dude, please,
you don't have to do the character."
"I'd give anything
for you to not do that character."
He didn't break.
He was like, "Look at those clothes,
you must be from the future."
"Hello, time traveler."
I was like, "I'm from right now.
What are you doing out? Come here!"
[audience laughs]
No, I did not say that.
Obviously I didn't fucking say that.
I didn't say a word, I was frozen.
I was paralyzed with white guilt.
I didn't say a word. I was just...
And he knew what he was doing.
For real, he knew what he was doing.
He wasn't giving me
the George Washington tour.
He was just drilling me with shit
I didn't want to hear.
He was hitting me with white...
You remember that time. Tense time.
That guy walks in there and sees me...
I know what I look like.
I know exactly... I got, you know...
I've got the body type of a guy who says,
"Let's see the rest of the bodycam footage
before we jump to any conclusions."
[all laughing]
I know what I look like.
He wasn't giving me the Washington tour.
He was just telling me fucked up shit.
He was talking about other people.
"Thomas Jefferson had about
six slave children of his own."
"He only freed two of his own children
during his lifetime." I was like,
"Jesus Christ..."
Isn't that a bummer?
Thomas Jefferson literally enslaved
some of his own children?
Yeah. Now you know how I felt, dude.
I was getting fucking drilled
with this information.
That's when I started
playing possum a little bit.
I was like,
"Maybe I am a special needs guy."
[audience laughs]
So he was hitting me with
the fucking white guilt facts, I was...
[audience laughs]
And it was a battle, dude,
it was like two wizards fighting.
[audience laughs]
Finally I won by just lowering my mask.
He was mid-range. I just...
[audience laughs]
"Oh, shit. My bad, brother." He fuckin'...
And he let me go.
He freed me.
I went to the George Washington Museum.
There's a museum there.
As soon as you walk into that museum,
they start pumping up George.
You walk in, they're like,
"George Washington was a great man."
And you're like...
[audience laughs]
"I just came from his dungeon."
[audience laughs]
"But you know, I'm American."
"I'll forget about
that part of his history."
"What else did he do?" You know?
"We're not gonna let human trafficking
define these guys, are we?"
"Huh?" [laughs]
I don't know. Anyway...
I was in there.
I was going through the museum.
I'll admit, I still had...
I had girl brain towards George,
from what I'd seen.
I was still mad at him.
I was going through the museum like,
"George Washington, fucking asshole."
[audience laughs]
Like, "George Washington had red hair."
- I was like, "Ugly bitch."
- [audience laughs]
I was trying to be cool and liberal.
And hate him.
I couldn't do it, dude. They started
pumping up George, it got me going.
Going through the museum, they're like,
"George Washington was 6'2".
I was like, "Nice."
[audience laughs]
"He could never tell a lie."
I was like, "This guy's unbelievable."
[audience laughs]
"He single-handedly defeated the British."
At this point, I'm back. [laughs]
Naw, dude, I'm worse.
"Nobody better touch my statues.
I love statues."
"I'm ready to get on Facebook,
defend Rittenhouse,
whatever I need to do..."
[audience laughing]
" help this country get better."
I'm back, 100%. Love America.
Love George Washington.
Then you get to the end of the tour,
and the last thing you see
on the Washington tour
is George Washington's teeth, in a case.
If you... You know, the myth is,
George Washington had wooden teeth.
Turns out, George Washington had...
It was ivory and lead dentures,
with horse and cow teeth on the top row,
and human slave teeth on the bottom row.
[audience murmurs]
"What the fuck..." That's it.
That's how the tour ends.
You're gonna walk outside
to a hot sunny parking lot, like,
- "What the fuck was that at the end?"
- [audience laughs]
Also, lead with the teeth.
Show me the teeth right away, dude.
Don't make me love
George Washington for two hours,
and then at the very end be like,
"Wanna see some wild shit?"
- Like...
- [all laughing]
And once you see his teeth,
every story about him makes perfect sense.
Like, "He was a man of few words."
It's like, yeah, dude,
he had fucking donkey teeth...
[all laughing]
Had lead in his mouth for a decade.
You can't keep
lead in your mouth for a decade.
That would give you... for real,
like, rabies-like symptoms.
You'd be like, "Argh."
Like, "I can't believe
we defeated the British."
I know how we did it.
We had a fucking six foot two,
redheaded retarded guy...
[audience laughs]
...out in the woods, just waiting
for those motherfuckers, dude.
Six-two in 1770,
that's like six-ten today.
- [audience laughing]
- Red hair, horse teeth, a sword, just...
"You wanna tax me, motherfucker?!"
[audience laughs]
You know how terrifying that guy was,
coming out of the woods like, "Aaah!"
And some five-foot British guy, "Oh!"
[audience laughs]
"Run, it's George!"
You ever seen that painting of George
crossing the Delaware?
He's the only one standing on the rowboat.
Everyone else is like,
"George, you gotta get down." [laughing]
"They're over there, get 'em!"
[audience laughs]
Know what happened that day
when George crossed the Delaware?
It was Christmas day,
and, uh, it was a bit of a massacre,
because George caught
the British off-guard,
because, uh, the British
absolutely correctly assumed...
They were like, "Only a retarded guy
is gonna try to cross... [laughs]
...this icy river today in a rowboat."
Fortunately for them, our first president
was on the other side of that river.
[audience laughs]
He's like, "Get in the boat,
we gotta kill these motherfuckers..."
[audience laughing]
I know I said "retarded" there
a couple of times.
My bad on that.
[audience laughs]
I'm not trying to give myself a pass
on being able to use that word.
But I will say, I don't know
if you can tell by looking at me,
I do have family members
with Down syndrome.
It almost got me, I'm...
[audience laughs]
I dodged it,
but it nicked me, it nicked me.
Bit of a daywalker myself.
- [audience laughs]
- Fuckin'... [laughs]
When you bring up Down syndrome,
you can always tell
who's never been around it in their lives.
If I tell people, like, "I have
family members with Down syndrome,"
people that've never been
around it are always like, "Oh."
Like Down syndrome is
the fucking end of the world. Like, "Oh."
"Are they okay?"
"Your fa... Are they doing okay?"
It's like, they're doing better
than everybody I know.
They're the only dudes I know
having a good time pretty consistently.
Sorry they're not on fucking Adderall
and anti-anxiety like the rest of us.
They're on fucking Capri-Suns...
[audience laughs]
...having a good time.
My uncle Danny...
My uncle Danny sneaks
grilled cheese sandwiches in restaurants,
just in case they don't serve
grilled cheese sandwiches.
We don't know where he's getttin'
these fucking things. It's the best.
You'll be out to dinner with him,
you look across the table,
you see him sneaking
a grilled cheese, just...
"Hey, yo, where'd you get
that chee, Danny?"
[audience laughs]
His Dad's with him, like, "That fucker,
he's been making 'em at night, I know."
[audience laughs]
"I'm not making them at night, Dad."
[audience laughs]
Then he looks at you.
"I'm making them at night."
[audience laughs]
What's better than that, dude?
What's better?
[audience cheering]
What's better...
[cheering continues]
What's better than Uncle Danny?
Uncle Danny, 3:00 in the morning.
[audience chuckling]
Baggy gym shorts.
Quietly. Secretly in his parents' kitchen.
On a secret mission to make
ten grilled cheese sandwiches.
[audience laughs]
Every day, his dad comes down the stairs,
"Where's the fucking bread going?"
[audience laughs]
He's got eight sandwiches in a closet.
"Don't go in my room!"
[audience laughs]
Top. [chuckles]
Down syndrome rules, you know?
Obviously, that's not how you say it.
You don't go around saying,
"Fucking Down syndrome rules."
I'm saying it wrong. I'm not...
I'm not discounting the fact
that it's hard for families, it is.
I've witnessed it first hand.
It's difficult.
It's fuckin'... It's scary.
It's very scary at first.
And then you quickly realize that's easily
the only good family member... we have.
That's the only good person I know.
They're the bros, dude,
they're the perfect br... They...
They love two things, dude.
They love John Cena.
- [audience laughs]
- Across the board.
Dude, you see one of these dudes
out in public, hit 'em with a...
[audience laughs]
They're gonna give it back, they love him.
And they love tits.
[audience laughs]
Dudes with Down syndrome love tits,
and it's a very uncomfortable truth
for a lot of people.
And I'm not sure why.
Tits rule.
John Cena rules.
It's kinda the two coolest things.
This joke's probably
not gonna make it, but... [laughs]
- [audience laughing]
- Here's what I...
Hear this one out. I'm gonna try.
If you see it,
just know I won an argument.
[audience laughs]
'Cause I think it's good, but alright.
Dudes with Down syndrome
love women so much,
that, like, I've never been a believer
of being gay as a choice,
but I will say, every dude I know
that can't think, fucking loves pussy...
[audience laughs]
[audience cheering]
Alright. [chuckles]
I guess it's a keeper.
[audience cheering]
- Alright, that's... that's the end of that.
- [audience laughs]
That's where that should end. Look.
I was talkin' earlier... I'm not...
I'm not a Republican yet, but I will say...
I just wanna see... Like, for real,
I don't care if they arrest him,
if he loses the Primary, I don't...
Let him debate, dude.
Let him debate.
All I wanna see is the debate.
- [audience whistling]
- Dude.
[audience cheering]
I don't care, if he gets arrested,
Hannibal Lecter him out
to the front, just...
- [audience laughs]
- ...bring him on stage.
Here's my idea. Final debate of the year.
Have one Republican candidate,
one Democrat.
Be like, "Alright, fellas,
surprise third guest tonight."
[audience laughs]
Fuckin' "Stone Cold" music,
the glass shatters.
He walks out just...
[sucks teeth] "They're both gay."
[audience laughs]
I mean, see how they handle that.
I think it's important to see
how the candidates handle
that type of pressure
of debating with Trump, dude, 'cause
none of them have been able to handle it.
He literally... Every debate,
he just bullied whoever was up there.
The only one who did pretty good
in the debates against him was Biden,
just 'cause he had no fucking idea
what was being said.
[all laughing]
Which actually helped him.
That worked out for him.
'Cause Trump's whole thing is
he tries to get in the other guy's head.
- You can't get in Joe's head.
- [audience laughs]
"Joe's not in there. Good luck, dude."
[audience laughs]
Biden is Trump's kryptonite in a debate.
He's literally perfect.
He can't beat him, 'cause Trump's whole...
Trump tries to drag the other guy into
a shit-talking contest where he will win.
He will win at that.
He can't get Biden. He tries.
Every debate he's trying so hard,
and Biden's just...
[audience laughs]
That's it the whole... He tries, he's just...
[imitates Trump, sucks teeth]
"You're a loser."
"Your son did crack."
And Biden's just...
- [imitates Biden] "What?" It's like...
- [audience laughs]
Right there, dude.
That's actually a pretty good comeback.
You might win this thing.
I miss it. I miss the speeches with Trump.
You remember that? We used to get
five speeches a day when he was in office.
Anytime you turned on the TV,
the guy was giving another fucking speech.
Live, dude.
Be in front of a helicopter, scream...
calling a lady a lesbian or something.
[audience laughs]
[groans uncertainly]
This could be a tough one
to defend at work.
[audience laughs]
- But I'm gonna. [chuckles]
- [audience laughs]
Now it's sad. Now with Biden we get,
like, one speech every three months.
And it's hard. He, like, falls and shit.
It's hard to watch.
It's sad. I'm rooting for the guy.
I obviously want things to go well.
But it's hard... to watch him do anything.
Anytime I watch Biden do anything,
I get the same feeling as like...
Ever go to a friend's house
and they have, like, a 16-year-old dog
and it walks in the room?
And you gotta do that whole, like,
"Oh, hey, there he is."
[audience laughs]
"Just look at him, he's looking great."
My favorite thing about Biden is,
any... anytime Biden finishes a speech,
he transforms into a Roomba.
[audience laughs]
- Like a... Yeah.
- [audience cheering]
I miss it. I miss the Trump speeches.
Trump gave what I think was probably
one of the greatest speeches
a world leader has given.
You know, it's gotta be
up there with, like, Churchill...
Gettysburg address...
Anyway... For real, it was my favorite
speech I've ever seen a president give.
It was the night the United States
killed the leader of ISIS.
Trump comes out of the Situation Room,
at like, midnight, in the White House.
He walks down that fucking tunnel
and gives a press conference,
- like he's giving a post-game NBA...
- [audience laughs]
...just killed a guy press conference.
He walks up in front of the entire world
at midnight and just goes...
[imitates Trump]
"Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is dead."
"He died like a dog."
[audience cheering]
[speaking normally] It's all good, dudes.
I didn't change one word of that,
that's what he opened with.
And then he did 40 minutes.
The speech is 40 minutes.
For no reason,
it wasn't a prepared speech.
He freestyled 40 straight...
Not even a speech.
Just mean shit talk for 40...
The meanest shit talk you've ever heard
in front of the whole world.
[sucks teeth, imitates Trump] "Abu..."
"We could hear him crying.
I said, 'Abu, don't cry. Abu.'"
"Let me tell you something.
Abu cried, he cried quite a bit."
"I wouldn't have cried."
[audience laughs]
"'Cry-baby Baghdaddy, '
that's what we were all calling him."
I love everything about that speech.
I love it. I love thinking about Trump
in the Situation Room,
surrounded by generals, watching a live...
Watching Special Forces...
Watching those cocksucking Navy SEALs.
- [chuckles]
- [audience laughs]
If I was in there, I'd be like,
"Get out, Abu, run!"
[audience laughs]
"They're great lovers,
don't let them get ya."
"Ah, they got him!"
"Ah, they're making him squirt."
- [audience laughs]
- Going...
"No! How could you do this?"
[audience laughs]
That's what we should do instead of...
You know, instead of zero dark thirty,
killing these guys,
we should break in and have Special Forces
fucking whack 'em off in their own bed.
[audience laughs]
That sends a pretty serious message, dude.
Imagine that, just four Navy SEALs
holding your arms and legs.
You're the only dude without night vision.
[audience laughs]
"No!" [chuckles]
[audience laughs]
[audience cheering]
They fly away on a helicopter.
You just got jerked off in your own bed.
"You fucking jerked me off!"
"You make me do cum!"
[audience cheering]
Know what I mean?
[audience cheering]
I, uh...
No, I just... I love...
I love thinking about Trump
in the Situation Room
watching a live military operation.
He's the only dude in the room
that wasn't military.
He must have been the only dude
watching it that was like, "Oh!"
- Right?
- [all laughing]
You can tell he's never seen it before
by the fucking speech.
His speech sounded like a guy
just trying to tell you some shit he saw.
Just... [sucks teeth]
[imitates Trump] "A lot of guys would...
knock on the front door."
"Not these guys, not our guys..."
[sucks teeth] "Not our guys,
our guys went through the wall,
they blew up his wall..."
[sucks teeth]
"And they used dogs..."
"Beautiful dogs..."
[laughs, speaks normally] Dude...
"Beautiful dogs" is the funniest detail...
'Cause it's true. They actually did use...
It was the Army Rangers
and they used dogs, 'cause...
they were afraid al-Baghdadi
was gonna be wearing a suicide vest,
so they killed him with dogs and a robot...
...and then made fun of him for crying?
"Let that guy cry."
That's the scariest death
I've ever heard of.
That dude was laying in his bed
at night and his wall exploded.
Fucking ten dogs and a robot
broke into his... [laughs]
Dude, ten dogs wearing helmets
and goggles broke into his house.
The Paw Patrol! The actual Paw Patrol!
[audience laughs]
Alright, dude,
you guys have been so great.
[audience cheering]
...sitting low on four's
I'm pullin' through the lot
Slamming doors on buckets
And I'ma slide slide, slippity slide
Pop trunk, let it down
Show up in my ride
Roll out the red carpet
Never buy it, park it
Valet, piece and chain
Starch in my jeans
Hit the club, showing love
Tip the dancer a dub
Got killa in the club
For after the club
One more time for they mind
I'ma gon' put it down
It's that boy, Fat Pat
Yeah, I got's to clown
I just wanna drop it
Whoa, whoa, all night long
Yeah, yeah
I just wanna drop it
All night long
Drop it, drop it, drop it
Trunks keep poppin'

Down in Houston...