Sharktopus.vs.Whalewolf (2015) Movie Script
1
( ISLAND MUSIC PLAYING )
Give those who trespass
against us...
and lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For thine is the king--
( BELCHING )
Oh, god, sorry.
For thine is the kingdom
of power and the glory. Amen.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered
today to give our last respects.
Pablo, who are all these people
and what are they doing
on my boat?
Is that a dead body?
Don't worry, they're
gonna get rid of it.
Damn it, Pablo!
Eh-hem.
Continue, please, continue.
Go on.
[RAY]
I'm El Capitan, si?
[PABLO] Yeah.
Don't you think you should wake
me up if you're gonna rent my
boat out for a funeral!
I tried, okay?
But you were too drunk.
[REVEREND]
But Edward is in a better place.
( OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING )
Whoa!
Aw, you idiot! Okay.
Sorry, ladies and gentlemen,
we're gonna have to relocate
the boat.
Ignore him, he's drunk.
I may be drunk, but if we don't
move this boat...
we're gonna be using your
husband's coffin for
a flotation device!
Bitch, you got a bad idea!
Mother--
Cut the winch!
Aye-aye, Captain!
Holy shark!
( DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING )
( GURGLING )
( SCREAMING )
Agh...
Oh...
Agh!
Tell me they prepaid.
Yeah, th-- they paid.
How much?
It's with the widow.
( ISLAND MUSIC PLAYING )
( LOUD CLANGING )
Do you have any idea how
embarrassing this is for me?
Well, your tank top is too
tight.
Those shorts are unforgivable.
Two counts of reckless
endangerment...
one count of piloting a vessel
while intoxicated?
If they don't find that woman
you lost overboard...
you're gonna have a hard time
beating that manslaughter
charge.
Do you have to be so loud?
I'm Dominican! Maldito gringo.
Oh, no, no, stay out,
I want to be left alone.
Stay out.
What happened out there?
It was a shark.
A what?
A big one... with...
tentacles, maybe.
That sounds like a
hallucination.
Hallucinations don't tow boats,
do they, Nina?
I've got your lab results.
Do you want to know what your
alcohol level was?
Not unless I set the record.
Can you at least make bail?
That was a joke, right?
I'm sorry, but this time,
you're on your own.
You still have your friend
on the Harbor Patrol?
( SPEAKING SPANISH )
It's not a holiday for me,
either!
Hey, look, I may be a drunk,
but I know a big fish
when I see one!
There's something in that bay,
Nita!
[NITA]
You get one phone call, Ray.
What's the use? I would have
used it to call you!
( DOOR SLAMS SHUT )
What's this?
The blonde's a German,
a Doctor Reinhardt.
Runs an anti-aging clinic
on the riverfront.
Felix Rosa.
You know this guy?
He was a heck of a third baseman
five years ago.
What's he doing back on the
island?
Here for a little home cooking.
( OPERA MUSIC PLAYING )
Three percent body fat,
BP 120 over 75.
You are in perfect physical
condition...
for a middle-aged woman!
Thought you claimed to be an
athlete. Baseball, is it?
So, we have something
of a problem.
Don't give me that,
I'm a beast.
My trainer has me
on a regimen of supplements.
You know?
Yes, I can see that.
I assure you that my methods
are significantly more
sophisticated.
And completely undetectable.
Your file also says something
about a conviction for domestic
abuse.
That's impossible,
she was two-timing me.
I don't judge, Mr. Rosa.
I assure you, I merely inquire,
so that I can formulate...
the correct gene sequence
for your personality.
Gene sequence?
Given your current state
of physical decay...
( DOOR OPENS )
only the most drastic treatment
will suffice.
This will put you back
in the game.
I don't need new genes. I just
need a little, you know, boost.
To get back on the game.
I can take you places, Mr. Rosa,
that you have never been.
Of course, this is experimental.
There may be a few side effects.
I'm Papi Grande, I hit the balls
into outer space!
You want to make me feel better?
You get on the table
and I'll put on the glove.
Your move, Mr. Papi Grande.
Know what? Screw this.
Athletes.
Your 2:00 is here... actress.
Oh, Doctor, thank you so much
for squeezing me in.
They're making a new version
of the Iliad and I'm up
for Helen.
I am going to need
a bigger needle.
( CLUB MUSIC PLAYING )
Give me another.
Hey, beautifuls.
I must be drunk,
because I'm seeing double.
Hey, come on, I'm talking
to you. Don't you want
my autograph?
I sign off chest, too.
You're gross, okay?
Who are you, anyways?
Who am I?
Mm-hm.
Who am I?
Number 40, Felix Rosa,
I'm the hero of this country!
Oh, wow! We are so
impressed by that!
He used to be a baseball player.
Used to be? Watch your mouth!
I'm still the greatest!
Take this loser out of here!
You're the loser, bitch!
Para diablo! Out of here!
Oh, my god!
See you in a couple of days,
man.
Probably.
Don't tell me you sold the boat.
I would have had to sell
the boat three times to bail
your ass out.
Why don't you begin saying
something like, "Thank you,
Pablo."
So where'd you get the money?
I borrowed it.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
What do we owe him this time?
Nothing.
When I explained to him what
happened this morning...
he just volunteered to help.
Come on.
He just wants to talk to us.
Actually we're on our way
right now, and I think
his sister is there.
Do not even look at his sister.
Hah, hah, you were so cute
dancing.
I had to dance like that,
the guy was--
You see-- did you see
the guy I was dancing--
I saw.
It was weird!
No, it wasn't.
Oh, my god, wait, hold on.
I'm so wasted right now.
Girls... need a ride to your
hotel?
Wow.
We're really flattered,
you know, but we're not really
into that kind of stuff.
I'm a cop.
Oh, okay, hold on,
I have to pee, okay?
She's going to pee.
Listen, there are city
ordinances here!
Better there than in the car.
( SQUEALING )
What happened?
Jill? Jill!
Holy smokes!
( DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING )
Shark attack!
Two girls, Caucasian,
early 20's.
DISPATCH (OVER RADIO)
Wait, did you say shark?
Yes.
What's the code for shark?
I don't think there is one!
Just send in your men!
Reinhardt!
( BOTTLE SMASHING )
Good evening, Mr. Rosa.
I see you've reconsidered.
I'll show them.
They're gonna chant my name.
Let's do this!
What is this place?
This is my music room.
( MUSIC PLAYING )
( CROAKING )
Music room?
Doctor, this is so freaky.
What the--
They say the body is a temple,
Mr. Rosa.
But all too often, it is a cage.
The mind is willing...
but the human form
is so limited.
Even the strongest man is a
weakling compared with a wolf.
So primal...
it has reaction times so fast,
they border on ESP.
And for metabolic purposes...
the blood of a killer whale
holds five times the oxygen
of a primate.
So, you're putting fish blood
in me?
Whales are mammals, and it's not
blood, Mr. Rosa...
strands of DNA... we alter
your genetic structure.
Not the kind of thing
they can catch with the
pee-pee test.
Of course, this is not the
sort of things the medical
community can easily understand.
What kind of doctor are you?
Do not worry, Mr. Rosa.
I studied with the best.
Will it hurt?
Oh, yes, Mr. Rosa.
I hope so.
( HYDRAULICS WHIRRING )
( SCREAMING )
( SOFT DRUMS PLAYING )
Okay.
All rise! For his eminence,
Chief Francois Tiny!
Sit down.
Can I offer you a drink?
Whiskey.
With or without
the chicken blood?
Straight.
Wah! This generosity
is well appreciated.
Christian charity.
Hallelujah.
Ave Maria.
You see Catholic priest, they
worship the same god I do.
But in they hearts, they only
have room for one god.
But Tiny's heart? C'est grande.
That's why they call me
a Voodoo priest.
It's an outrage.
Oui! It's an outrage!
The police, they hunt me
day and night.
If you think that I have
any influence with
Inspector Morales.
I mean, she hates me more
than she hates you.
Ssh, ssh, ssh, ssh.
( SCREAMING CONTINUES )
( HITTING BALL )
( CROWD CHEERING )
ROSA (DISTORTED)
I hit the balls into outer
space.
How was that?
More... more.
More.
No, I don't think that
would be a good idea.
Yes.
No.
Yes.
No!
Please... stop!
If you had lived, you might have
been something special.
Guten abend.
( SOFT DRUMS PLAYING )
Tell me about that
creature you saw.
Who, us?
It was a gray--
Did it look like this?
Yes. What is it?
Le Sharktopus? Dude, seriously,
you don't have internet?
That thing was in Mexico
six months ago.
Then off to America,
it was all over Facebook.
The damn thing
has a Twitter account.
He already followed me back,
and he's trending topic.
I told you, man,
thing's got mad juju.
A friend.
When you bring me
the sharktopus heart...
I will make magie d'amour
so strong, that no woman will
be able to resist me.
Not that I need it.
Me being a superstar,
I dust 'em off like flies.
Hey, maybe you can hook me up,
and I get a shot with your
sister.
If you touch her,
I'll cut off your balls.
And make him eat 'em.
I'll give you
until noon tomorrow.
I'm glad that you think so
highly of me as a fisherman...
but this fish is not your
average marlin.
I mean, maybe we can make
another trade.
I could give you Pablo.
What?
Captain Ray, this is
not a request.
It is a must-do thing.
All right, off you go.
Guten abend guten nacht
( SINGING IN GERMAN )
( OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING )
Auf wiedersehen.
( DRAMATIC MUSIC FADES UP )
( DISTANT HOWLING )
A human subject with a high
tolerance for steroids...
is vital to the success
of combining various animal
DNA to the host DNA.
Their prize is hybrid DNA, and
slowly be consumed from the
inside out of this new being.
No, you will not hurt me.
If you do,
who will care for you?
You're better this way.
Free from the constraints
of human morality.
( SOFT MUSIC PLAYING )
You are beautiful.
Papi... Grande.
Still the hothead, I see.
But of course,
you're a little grumpy.
You've had nothing to eat.
What about a little rat-wurst?
Oh... I see...
well, a scientist must be
prepared to make sacrifices
for her work.
Bon appetit.
( MOANS )
I believe you are still a work
in progress, Mr. Rosa.
Please sit.
Sit!
Hmm... you definitely overdid it
with the treatment.
Your human DNA is rapidly
disintegrating. It's all very
unstable.
You really should be dead,
Mr. Rosa.
Moon.
There must have been
some catalyst...
something that triggered the
initial transformation.
Some kind of radiation.
( DISTANT HOWLING )
( DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING )
Moonlight?
Well, wolves are certainly
sensitive to the moon, and orca?
The tides? Why not?
( GROWLING )
( SHRIEKING )
Know what, man?
Next time, I'm leaving
you in jail.
You always say that.
Hey, you think Tiny would notice
if we gave him a cow's heart
instead?
Chief Tiny's not the kind of man
we want to mess around with.
Hey!
Oh!
Hey!
Hey, look who it is!
Hah-hah!
Yeah.
Man, haven't been
on this boat in ages.
So, um, what brings you
around here, Nita?
You were right, Ray.
About... what?
About the shark thing...
I saw it last night.
That must have been very
exciting for you.
Ray, it killed two girls.
You must come down to the
station with me, make
a full report.
They won't believe me,
otherwise.
Hah-hah, people can be
such skeptics.
Yeah, they're not
gonna believe her.
Uh, hey, listen, we're--
we're about to head out.
So, unless you're gonna arrest
me, this will have to wait.
You have a charter?
We're gonna go fishing.
Uh... pleasure fishing.
Such a terrible liar, Ray.
It's one of your few
redeeming qualities.
Nita, we're going after it.
Really?
Yes, really.
Then I'm coming with you.
Oh, no! It's too dangerous.
What he said. It's--
it's really dangerous and--
It will be more dangerous
without me, Ray.
No, no, no.
Okay, darling.
Okay?
But let me give you a little
refresher course on maritime
conduct.
As you say, you have not been
onboard in a long time.
This is my boat!
I'm the captain. While onboard,
you will love, fear,
and obey me.
If you don't, you will walk
the plank, swab the deck,
or clean the head...
depending on my mood.
Are we clear, Inspector?
Permission to come aboard,
Capitan?
Take off your shoes first.
( MUSIC CHANGES )
Excuse me.
Nita! Long time, no see!
Hey, Captain Phil!
You know, I got a reputation out
here as an eligible bachelor.
You're gonna spoil it.
( ENGINE STARTS )
We have to go further
up the shore.
It was way past the second buoy
when I saw it.
Hey, Pablo! One of the deck
hands is talking to me out
of turn.
[PABLO]
Make her walk the plank.
I know you don't want to hear
this, Ray, but I'm actually kind
of enjoying being out here.
Hmm.
You know what?
He kind of misses you bad.
( SOFT MUSIC PLAYING )
( MUSIC CHANGES )
Dr. Reinhardt?
Oh, dear... late night?
I had a visitor.
Doctor, you gotta stop
with these one-night stands.
They'll be the death of you.
Don't be such a prude, Nurse.
It is your old-fashioned
attitudes about sex...
that are gonna show
your true age.
That policeman, Huerta,
called last night.
Perhaps we'd better take
precautions.
I made a breakthrough. It was
simply a matter of dosage.
Doctor, if you keep working like
this, you're not gonna live long
enough to enjoy your success.
Oh, I'll live. It's the rest
of you that I'm worried about.
( GASPS )
Doctor! What kind
of visitor was this?
Why don't you ask him yourself.
He's been waiting all morning
to eat you.
( GROWLING )
I'm really sorry, it's just that
he wanted to taste a brunette.
( DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING )
Oh, my god! Help!
( CRUNCHING )
It's not like sonar
on a submarine.
I can only see
what's underneath me.
( SONAR BEEPING )
In fact, I think we just went
over something.
Pablo, come take the helm!
Okay!
Wait 'til we get to the middle
of the channel and I say hard
to port.
Hard to port.
All right.
We're gonna get this thing.
Keep your eye on him.
I got it!
When we get close enough,
I'm gonna try to tag him
with this buoy!
So we know where he is!
Tell me when it's close enough.
That's close enough!
I hope.
Great shot, man!
Hard to port! Hard to port!
Hard to port!
Ray? I don't think
that was a good idea.
I think you're right!
Go, go, go, get out of here!
Okay, full throttle!
Keep your eye on it!
You got your eye on it!
[PABLO]
It's coming.
Whoa!
Are you all right?
Uh... yeah.
Do you have something bigger?
What?
A harpoon or something.
What happened?
What is it?
Get us out of the channel!
[PABLO]
Something's wrong, man.
( ENGINE GRINDING )
Ray!
We're fouled! Stop the boat!
Ray, look out!
Oh!
Ray!
( DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING )
Yeah! We did it!
Nita? Nita?
Pablo!
What?
Nita's overboard!
I'm gonna throw her a lifeline!
Get her!
( MUSIC CONTINUES )
Ray!
Where did it go?
[PABLO]
Ray!
Pablo!
Ray!
Ray!
I'm coming.
How is she?
She's okay, she's okay.
You should kiss her.
What?
No, let's just get
her on the boat.
Okay, good idea...
then you'll kiss her.
Pablo!
( MUSIC CONTINUES )
Hey, give her to me.
No, no, I got her.
No, I got her.
I got her, get the door.
Okay, but I do the PCR.
CPR, she doesn't need it.
I'll take her clothes off.
Pablo!
It's 'cause she's sleeping...
sort of.
( MEN SHOUTING )
( WOMAN YELLING IN FRENCH )
Your 2:00 is here.
Send her in.
Oh, my--
You're before His Highness,
Chief Francois "Tiny".
Chicken. Shoo, shoo, shoo!
So, what do you need
with Chief Francois Tiny?
I came down here to see this
doctor and her anti-aging
clinic.
And she said that she wasn't
going to help me...
unless I agreed to splice my
genes with some sea cucumber
or something.
And I'm like, "Okay, fine, as
long as it's kosher."
And then she's talking about
side effects and playing that
opera music...
and the whole thing had a kind
of "Paging Dr. Mengele" feeling.
I do not follow, lady.
Okay, long story, short.
The bellhop from my hotel said
that you have a big juju.
So I came here to see
if you can tell my future.
I want to know if I'm gonna get
the part I'm after...
if the operation is a success.
I want to know if I'm gonna
marry a rich guy and have so
many shows!
Stop! Just because I am a big
fan of your stage work...
I will do you a reading.
Great!
Oh, dear!
What is it?
Is everything okay?
Is it that bad?
What, what, what?
Are you familiar
with the Time Life Network?
Yes! I watch it all the time!
I love it!
Hey, Ray?
Yeah.
How is she?
Oh, man, she's fine,
she's sleeping.
How's the engine?
I think we broke the gasket
on the manifold.
That's impossible, let me see.
We got company.
Listen, moi. Listen, moi,
si vous plais.
( SPEAKING FRENCH )
Chief Francois Tiny request
a report on your progress.
A report.
Well, uh, you tell Chief Tiny
that we're having a little
engine problem here...
and as soon as we get it fixed,
we'll get back to him.
Wow.
You have blown your gasket.
Fix it.
Okay.
You tell Chief Tiny, he'll be
eating shark fin soup--
And calamari.
And calamari in no time at all.
You two are full of crap!
Hey!
It's not the first time
somebody's said that to me.
Fix it.
Alize.
Screw this! Screw Sharktopus!
As soon as we fix this boat,
we're out of here.
That's what I'm talking about.
That's what I'm talking about.
( SOFT MUSIC PLAYING )
Hey.
Hey.
What happened?
You had a terrible nightmare.
You dreamt that you broke up
with me...
and started living this
miserable, boring life.
Ray, where are my clothes?
Well, uh, you wouldn't
believe me if I told you.
What are you doing?
Cleaning up.
Hey, do you still do that
crazy soup of yours?
Ray Brady's bouillabaisse
is not a soup.
It's a seafood extravaganza.
Several of the key ingredients
are now illegal to purchase...
so I switched to the canned
stuff.
It's way better.
Throwing this out.
Wh-- there's still something
in that one.
Wait a sec, that's full,
how'd that get in there?
No, no, no, that--
this goes over here.
No, it doesn't.
Yes, it does.
Ray, I'm the one who organized
this kitchen.
It's not a kitchen--
It's a galley.
Galley.
Hey! So you're up?
I'm not interrupting anything,
am I?
What do you need, Pablo?
Well, we need a new head gasket,
we need a new fuel line.
Oh, god.
Right now, Ray,
I just need a break.
There you go.
Hey, it's El Soltero!
This is my favorite show.
Hey, Ray, is that your hand
on my shoulder?
ANNOUNCER (V.O.):
Earlier on El Sortero...
Bachelor Mike made a tearful
farewell to Susan.
I just don't think he
understood how much I need
the approval of others.
Oh, look at that.
She's had such a rough time.
And he found romance with
Tiffany in the hot tub.
When you finally found someone
who really shares your faith...
that's the most important
thing.
Come on, Ray!
How can you watch this crap!
I love this show. They're
filming this in Santa Domingo.
The relationships that these
people have are pathetic.
Well, maybe not as pathetic
as the one you two have.
I'm just saying--
All right, guys, rolling!
Earlier on El Sortero....
Lisa, when we were out there
drinking Champagne from hot air
balloons...
it really meant something.
And I think we can be together.
And Jenn, oh, Jenny, you're
incredibly intelligent,
well-read...
you fight diseases in third
world countries.
We have nothing in common,
but... uh...
The line! Give me the lines!
Sometimes opposites attract.
Sometimes opposite attracts.
So, I have to go
with my gut now.
So...
Lisa, this is for you, baby.
( SCREAMS )
What should I do?
What should I do?
Run you fool! Run!
You got that, right?
( PHONE RINGING )
Inspector Morales.
( COUGHING )
Ray.
Try it now.
All right!
( ENGINE STARTS )
Oh!
Way to go, amigo!
Yeah!
Hey! That was Huerta.
There's been another attack
at the resort.
Don't worry. That's so far
away from here.
But it just happened. If we head
there now, we might be able
to help.
Listen, Sweetheart, hey,
listen...
that's a good one, but we barely
made it out alive from the last
run-in.
Yeah, but we've seen it.
We know what it can do.
Exactly my point.
People's lives are at stake
here, Ray.
Do we have enough fuel to get
to Belize?
Yeah, sure, I think we do.
Hey, listen, hey, I'm sorry,
but I've got other problems.
Nita! I don't want you going
after that thing alone!
It's called responsibility, Ray.
It's not something you'd
understand.
Fine, go! I won't be there
to save you this time!
I cannot play with you
right now.
I need to try and find
a replacement nurse.
( WHALEWOLF WHINES )
Stop that! Do not chew
on the specimens!
My goal was always to create
a perfect human specimen.
And at this point,
you're not even human.
So, if you're gonna behave like
an animal, I insist you be a
well-behaved one.
I went to the pet store.
These are for you.
No, they're for being good.
And good means...
using the wee-wee pad.
I call this your office,
because this is where you
do your business.
( PEEING )
Okay, you are going
to be an outdoor pet.
You should wait 15 minutes
before you go swimming!
DISPATCH (OVER RADIO)
Attention, all units, there
is a gang fight at Pier 4.
That's just a few blocks away.
( DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING )
This is Huerta and Morales,
we're on our way.
Everybody go! Run away!
( DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING )
[MAN]
Go! Let's go!
What the hell is that?
Wait!
( MUSIC CONTINUES )
What the hell is that?
Beats me.
This is a gang fight?
[HUERTA]
Got any ideas?
Oh, look! Shoot the tanks!
You know what, Ray?
If the wind stays down, we can
make it to Belize by nightfall
Tuesday.
A toast.
Not another one.
To another successful retreat
in the face of personal
responsibility.
I'll toast... for the ones
that got away.
And they always go.
To Nita.
That calls out for the good
stuff.
I save it here, because I knew
you wouldn't find it.
But we gotta finish this first.
Oh, sure.
( SOFT DRUMS PLAYING )
It's the good stuff, man.
Ooh!
Agh! Agh! Oh, my god!
That's the good stuff, right?
What's in that bottle?
It's the good stuff!
Ah, the good stuff.
Oh, I love it.
So much better.
Oh, it's burning! Agh!
Agh! Agh!
It's voodoo!
It's the voodoo man!
What?
We didn't give him the heart!
And now he's punishing us!
Ow!
You don't really believe
that voodoo crap!
Whoa! You don't put
a needle in there!
TINY (OVER RADIO)
Captain Ray, how are you
feeling today?
Peachy.
Listen, that whole sharktopus
thing, it's-- it's too
dangerous!
Okay, okay, I get the point!
Captain Ray, I am a man
of many virtues.
But patience is not one of them.
You will bring me
the creature's heart.
Oh, my god.
Okay, okay.
What the hell was that?
The tentacles, I've seen before,
the other one is new.
DISPATCH (OVER RADIO)
Inspector Morales, repeat the
previous message.
We need an ambulance
and a SWAT team!
DISPATCH (OVER RADIO)
No, no, the part about the
half-whale, half-wolf.
Just send your men!
DISPATCH (OVER RADIO)
If this is somebody's idea of a
joke--
It's no joke! Call the Navy, the
President, maybe the Pope!
I don't know!
I don't think they're
listening to us.
Maybe we need silver bullets.
It's gonna take more than that.
Damn it, Pablo!
Oh, man!
I told you we can't make a
weapon out of household
appliances!
Now we have no way to kill
Sharktopus.
And no blender... it was my
favorite blender, man.
( MUTTERING IN SPANISH )
DISPATCH (OVER RADIO)
Attention, the Coast Guard has
issued a small craft advisory.
Sharktopus!
All ships must stay in port--
They're trying to evacuate
people, so they won't cause
a panic.
So what do we do now?
I've got a better idea.
Ah...
Look, you don't have to be
afraid of anything, okay?
But the other girl--
The other girl, she's gone,
my dear, and you know what
that means.
You have the opportunity to find
the love of your life on
national television.
Besides, we are miles away.
You're totally safe.
Okay?
Alex! Lock it up!
Carrie.
Jenn.
Carrie... I really never
expected to have to make another
decision so quickly.
And we got it going on
in the hot tub.
But, frankly, your reaction to
the violent death of my last
soul-mate...
showed me a whole, different
side of you.
And they said season 27
was getting stale, huh?
And, Jenn, obviously, I was
ready to say goodbye to you,
but I am a man of faith...
and I wonder if He isn't trying
to tell me something by sparing
your life.
[WOMAN]
If you take the flower,
you'll die!
I don't want any flower.
I don't want it, either.
They don't want the flower!
This is ridiculous!
There's nothing to be afraid of!
It's just an ordinary and
average flower.
Mike, give it to me!
But I don't know
if you share my faith.
You, you, and you, follow me.
( LAUGHING )
Now, toughen up! This is
a dangerous business.
You know how many men died
filming The Hills? Huh?
( BEASTLY GROWLING )
( SCREAMING )
( HOWLING )
Who cares about the gangs?
These things ate half the gangs.
Get eyes on these things!
Sounds like werewolf's
on the move. You want
to follow him?
Not until we figure out
what we're dealing with.
What? All you think about
is food.
You don't need a scientist,
you need a maid.
Somebody to feed you
and clean up your slime.
( WHINES )
Well, I am going.
Not that you care.
I thought we had something
special.
A chance to revolutionize
the study of genetics.
Maybe even create a master race
in our own image.
Tell me it was all worth it.
That you're going to do
something bold with your life.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Please, please, not on the face.
( ISLAND MUSIC PLAYING )
This was your better idea, man?
Just to get us drunk?
Captain Phil!
Hey, did you catch anything?
Poquino!
Got some bites today!
Wow.
You know, when I was a little
boy, I had this model plane...
and I wanted to put it together,
it was so cool.
But I couldn't figure that thing
out for the life of me, so--
Wait a minute.
When I was smarter and bigger
and taller and handsomer, I
would--
I've seen that model!
I've seen it!
You don't know that plane.
I threw it away a while ago,
I was cleaning up.
I was afraid you were
sniffing the glue.
Thanks, Pablo. I hated that
plane thing!
It made me feel like such a
freakin' idiot!
According to the internet,
Sharktopus was some kind
of a genetic weapon.
But there's no mention of a
Whalewolf, or anything like
that.
There must be a clue...
somewhere.
Hey! What about her?
The steroids doctor?
You said she was advanced.
Yeah, yeah, but come on.
Dr. Elsa Reinhardt,
German national, studied
medicine at Oxford...
and molecular biology at MIT.
She's on the No Fly List.
Her clinic is right on the
route, only a couple of miles
from the first attack.
You ready for this?
Reinhardt used to work in the
same clinic where Sharktopus
was created.
You want to call in SWAT?
No, let's check it out first.
I'll drive.
( MUTTERS IN SPANISH )
You know, I'm gonna get him to
fix us something new, 'cause
this is stale.
It's really stale.
Captain Phil! Hey! Pss...
Captain Phil, you got
any fish you could spare?
Hey, man, hey, you okay, man?
Captain Phil?
( RUMBLING )
Agh! Agh!
Pablo! Pablo!
Agh! Agh! Pablo!
Pablo! Pablo!
Hey! Cut me loose!
Cut me loose!
Go! Let's go, man!
Thank you, Pablo! Thank you!
We're eventually gonna kill it
and take its heart!
You crazy? This is way better.
Maybe we can take this
to Chief Tiny.
It counts for effort.
Here.
You carry it.
I'll do the talking.
GEORGE (OVER PHONE)
Hello, Humane Society, this is
George, how may I help you?
I need to give my animal away,
quickly.
Uh, okay, is there a reason
you're relinquishing your pet?
I am changing my name
and I'm leaving the country.
Is the animal housebroken?
The house is broke, yeah.
Uh, what's the breed?
Mixed.
Uh, any idea of its heritage?
No, I made him from scratch.
Uh, ma'am, I'm really just
trying to get an idea
of his size.
Big.
More than 100 pounds?
Yeah--
Well, we--
And he had very big fins when he
was a puppy, so probably still
growing.
He likes people,
fresh if you can get some.
Is there any chance you could
take the dog with you?
Because there are hundreds
of animals in our shelter...
and it's likely we'll have to
put him down.
Oh, good luck with that one.
Wait a minute, I think
I hear him.
Go away! We are through! Get in
the water and swim away!
Go! Shoo! Shoo!
Maybe I take you for a walk
later if you are good.
Oh, it's nothing,
it's just dry cleaning.
( GROWLS )
I was thinking of getting
you a cat to play with.
Do not do anything rash,
Mr. Rosa.
I'm really more of a cat person.
( SCREAMING )
Come on.
Anybody in there?
This is the police.
We don't have a warrant.
Check around back?
Door was open
when we got here.
Dr. Reinhardt?
( EERIE MUSIC PLAYING )
Dr. Reinhardt?
Dr. Reinhardt!
( MUSIC CONTINUES )
Dr. Reinhardt?
Huerta?
( GUN FIRING )
Is that you?
Bingo. Huerta!
Huerta, get in here!
This is it!
[HUERTA] Nita!
Huerta?
Nita...
Huerta!
Get out!
What happened?
Get out.
Huerta! Huerta.
( CLANKING )
Run!
Dr. Reinhardt... what the
hell have you done?
The ultimate experiment.
All my life, I was trying
to make the perfect person.
But there is no such thing.
( GROWLING )
Oh, you had success! You brought
me the creature's heart.
Well, what makes Sharktopus
special is that he's got...
tentacles.
Yeah, you know?
You know, because all sharks
have heart, there's nothing
special about a heart.
You see the problem
with Americans?
I'm telling you--
No sense of romance.
The heart is always the most
important part.
But for my purposes,
this may work.
Guess we better lock up all the
women and young ladies.
What are you talking about?
Oh, you think I need the
Sharktopus to make a--
Love potion #9.
Yeah, sure.
No, the Sharktopus is way
too strong.
Why should I waste it?
You said it.
It was your infer--
I don't need two drunken fools
to tell me my business.
Oh, no, he's the drunk,
I'm in rehab.
Captain Ray, do you like
to go to rooster fights?
What, no, I'm against cruelty
to animals.
Ssh.
Francois Tiny loves it very
much.
Yes, us, too,
we go all the time.
I don't judge. I don't judge.
In my house in the country,
we have an entire room dedicated
to my prized cock.
I treat them very well,
you know... good food,
air conditioning.
That's right.
I treat my cock better
than I treat these men.
Yeah... air condition--
That's unfortunate.
No! It is a great success.
Yes, Chief Tiny's cock is the
biggest, the strongest,
in the island.
I'm undefeated!
You want to know my secret?
Please, no more secrets.
I don't want to know
anything else.
My cock loves to fight.
'Cause I have too much juju.
Here it comes.
Like these men, each more
loyal than the other.
'Cause they feel it... in here!
( GRUNTS )
[MAN]
Yuck.
( CHICKENS SQUAWKING )
Oh, I can feel it!
Sharktopus and I will be one!
Off you go!
Your debt is paid.
My men will escort you
to your boat.
That's how you treat people.
You are to leave this island,
never to return.
That's not part of the bargain.
You're right, it is not
a bargain.
It is a must-do thing.
Chief Tiny--
Off with them.
Tiny, I mean, god--
[RAY]
Let's go.
( ISLAND MUSIC PLAYING )
If today is my last day
on this god forsaken island...
I'm gonna subject myself
to her abuse one last time.
( PHONE RINGING )
Hey, Ray, thank god it's you.
No, Nita, I'm calling to say
goodbye. I'm--
Shut it! Listen, I'm in a clinic
at 22nd and Republic Avenue.
A clinic? Are you pregnant?
What?
Is Nita pregnant?
No!
No, no, no, she's not pregnant.
Oh!
Ahh!
Call it in, the creature's here.
Look, can we make a pit stop?
Ah, no!
Pablo'll make it worth
your while.
What?
Oh, no!
He'll wear that dress you like!
That sounds good.
( SCREAMING )
Nita!
What the hell is this place?
Nita! I hate hybrids.
Let me hit it!
Nita! Get up!
Nita!
Nice shot!
Get the laptop.
Get the laptop!
I'm getting her to the car!
( YELLING IN SPANISH )
What do you think you're doing?
Wait, wait!
Why did you get out?
Likikata!
Seatbelts!
He's eating them!
He's eating them!
( DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING )
You should let me drive!
You're still under the
influence, look at your neck!
So are you!
Yeah, Nita, he's been driving
like that for 20 years.
Go faster!
Ray, it's coming!
It's coming, Ray!
Oh, my god, look at thing!
Look out!
It's fast!
Go faster, man!
Go, you gotta go faster!
[RAY]
Hang on!
Nita, Nita, are you with me?
Come on, stay with me, Nita!
( SHIP HORN BLARING )
Hey, get these cars off my
bridge, I got a tanker
coming through.
[RAY]
We lost it.
Look out!
What the--
They're moving the bridge!
We're trapped!
[PABLO]
We gotta get out of here, man.
That thing's right behind us!
( DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING )
[NITA]
What? No! We can't--
Hold on!
What are those idiots still
doing on the bridge?
[MAN]
What is that thing?
Oh, my god!
Oh, my--
Hold on!
Oh, my--
( MUSIC CONTINUES )
Holy mack--
Agh, man!
Where are you going?
I'm getting you to the hospital!
But you're leading them right
into the middle of the city,
Ray!
Take me to the hospital, man!
And of course, Columbus never
discovered the Indian spices he
was looking for.
But he did bring back a host
of new plants and animals,
never before seen in Europe.
The avocado, the tomato, the
turkey, and, of course, the--
Not the pigeons!
Agh!
( DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES )
ANNOUNCER (V.O.):
The nightmare scene
unfolding...
as two mutant creatures wage
war in the streets of the
capital.
We go now to live footage
from the Central Plaza.
Who watches this crap?
Agh!
Sorry, man!
Your arm, sorry.
Agh! Please!
I'll get a nurse. I'll get a
nurse, hold on.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.):
The situation is under
control...
and that injuries from these
attacks have been minimal.
Excuse me, ma'am, my friend's
in a lot of pain.
We'll be with you in a moment.
Sorry, Pablo, can I get
you anything?
Actually, can you get me a soda?
Do you got any change?
Just let me know if you have
any updates.
How's Pablo?
Ah, he's okay.
He keeps saying it's my fault.
I think he's laying the
groundwork for a workman's comp
claim.
How's your neck?
It's fine.
Listen, Sharktopus and Whalewolf
are destroying the city.
Now we've lost track of them.
Did you just say Whalewolf?
You got a better name?
Uh-uh.
I gotta figure out where
Whalewolf is and what it wants
from Reinhardt's laptop.
She was splicing together genes
from every corner of the
animal kingdom.
I don't get this.
Here, let me take a look.
Okay, Professor Brady...
please explain it to me.
You know what? That's always
been your problem, Nita.
Now I just saved your life for
what, the second time today?
And you'd think that you could
give me some credit.
Sorry.
Thank you, Ray.
You ever thought that underneath
this strong, masculine facade...
is a renaissance man, the one
that women would want to live
with for the rest of their life.
The one that your mother
says is a keeper!
Just look at the files, Ray.
Are you kidding me, girlfriend,
I have no idea...
no clue how to even get on that
internet, webby thingy.
( ISLAND MUSIC PLAYING )
This is before.
Hmm.
And this is the after.
What, you dyed your hair?
That's the same face.
What happened to your massive
plastic surgery?
I'm a natural beauty.
As your agent, I have to tell
you, there are very few roles
for women...
in the late, late, twilight
of their career.
But I feel so much younger!
I have the legs
of an 18-year-old.
Are you keeping them
in the freezer?
You know, I was thinking,
we should submit to that
horror movie.
As one of the zombies.
No, the sexy college student.
I don't think I heard
that right.
The island breeze has
rejuvenated me.
I know you did horror when you
were younger, but movies are
different now.
They have sound.
( RUMBLING )
There's no way on earth you can
be cast as a scream queen!
Are you trying to audition?
Oh, no, no--
I'm sorry, that scream
is just not believable.
( BELCHES )
Reinhardt never worked in any
weapons program.
She mostly worked
with actresses and athletes.
If I only knew which one.
What good would that do?
I don't know, we could find
out the weakness.
Wait! That's Felix Rosa.
What about him?
In the lab, when that thing
grabbed the stick from Pablo...
and swung and hit him?
That swing, that was Felix Rosa.
How do you know?
When that SOB tanked in the
series against Boston...
I lost two grand. I'd know
that lousy swing anywhere.
Yeah, but why would it be
after Sharktopus?
Rosa was always kind of a prat.
You know, he's one of those
guys that thinks he's
the top dog.
Kindred spirit, Ray?
When his RBI's started to
fade...
he started swinging at refs,
fans, women, anything
he could hit.
Now that's a relief.
What?
Now don't get me wrong, Ray.
Monsters fighting in the city...
it's going to kill
the tourist trade.
But random violence, it's better
than organized aggression.
If one of those creatures was
controlled by somebody...
following orders?
That would be a real problem.
Well--
What?
Chief Tiny, I mean, he's an
eccentric guy, I mean, but his
master plan...
I mean, it wouldn't really work,
I mean, cock fights, yes--
What does Chief Tiny
have to do with this?
He-- well-- he may have a way
to control Sharktopus.
Are you involved in this,
too, Ray?
Involved is sort of a gray area.
I gotta get there now!
No, no, no, you don't!
I can talk to him.
Maybe I can get him
to help us out.
Look, you just stay here.
You gotta find his weakness.
You got the computer, find his
weakness. He likes to hit
balls and women.
Balls and women.
( CHANTING )
( DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING )
It's still missing something.
Easy, fellas!
Yes, yes, I understand.
Thank you.
That was the Undersecretary
of Defense.
He said he's ready to call in an
air strike, but he's worried
about civilian casualties.
He won't give the order unless
the creatures are in an isolated
location.
Isolated? How are we gonna do
that if we don't even know
where they are?
Think, think.
I'm trying.
The lab is destroyed, Rosa
doesn't have a home on the
island.
If you were Whalewolf,
where would you go?
I don't know, the mountains?
The jungle?
Hey, maybe they swam
to Florida by now.
He's Dominican, not Cuban.
That's it!
The only place a Dominican
baseball player would go...
the baseball stadium.
Make a u-turn, we just need
both creatures there,
then call the airstrike.
We found this guy lurking
outside.
I wasn't lurking, I was
knocking, there's a difference.
What are you doing here?
I know you told me to like
leave the island...
but, well, I got this teeny,
tiny--
teeny, tiny, tiny favor, Tiny?
Teeny...
Allez vous. You ain't got
nothing left to offer me.
There's another-- there's
another creature.
I mean, if you-- if you can
control Sharktopus--
If?
Perfect! Perfect!
You get Sharktopus to eat
likikata...
and the President said that
he'll pardon you.
Hah-hah, hah.
My dear Captain Ray...
with Sharktopus...
( SPEAKING FRENCH )
With the aid of this voodoo
doll, my bitch...
I will be the government.
And besides, I already heard
of this new demon.
And I will control him, too...
like Sharktopus with this,
though.
Well, if you're not gonna help,
then you leave me no choice!
I will use my judu-kung-fu-ro...
And then you'll come on this,
how do you say...
then you'll be my bitch!
You think I'm an idiot!
How about we just have a drink?
I am the great Chief Francois,
descendant of the last Tonga
king!
Don't you think I would know
these parlor tricks?
Uh, absolutely.
But since you want to play
this juju game...
I will teach you a lesson
on how it's really done.
This is mean-man etouffle,
Sharktopus stew.
It already gives me insight
into the mind of Sharktopus.
The Sharktopus voodoo doll
is the key!
And with the tentacle,
it is activated.
But the bond will be stronger...
if we add some sacrificial
blood... human blood.
Take him to the alley
and gut him.
Now, what part of the government
do I destroy first?
How--
Son of a--
( DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING )
Oh, Sharktopussy, mega-puss!
You let him go?
You idiots!
So now I know what
kung-fu juju does.
Vamos! Rapido!
Is that everyone?
Yes.
Good.
( PHONE RINGING )
RAY (OVER PHONE)
Nita!
Ray, what's up?
Well, you know, same old,
same old... where are you?
The baseball stadium.
I thought given its history,
Whalewolf might be here.
But I need Sharktopus here, too.
Well, I might be able to help,
if I can find just find the on
switch...
on this voodoo doll.
Shoot-- uh--
( MUTTERING IN FRENCH )
Ray? Ray?
Nita, Nita! Nita!
( PHONE BEEPING )
Pablo!
Hey, over here!
How's that net coming?
No sign of Whalewolf!
That buys us time. It's not like
a boat's engine, you know?
But we're gonna get there.
I think it's gonna hold.
It only needs to hold
for a few minutes...
long enough to jolt them.
Perfect, then we just need
the creatures.
Can you give me a hand?
Let's get the other side.
Sure.
So exactly how's this gonna
work, Pablo?
Well, this net is made
out of metal.
We're gonna run 60,000 volts
through it...
and whatever touches it,
is gonna go up in flames.
That will hold him
until the jets come here.
I'm completely lost.
Ah, who am I kidding, I have no
clue how to turn this thing on.
It is very simple, Captain Ray.
You just have to feel it.
That was for your insolence,
this is for your doubt.
Feel that!
Get mama.
I'm-- I'm--
I'm a ve--
This really works.
I've got the juju!
I've got the juju!
I control you!
Friends?
I guess not.
I hate sharks!
( DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES )
Oh, there's something fishy
about this place.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
This is gonna be bad.
So this should take care of him.
Are you sure this is gonna work?
Well, I hope it does, I mean,
once we turn on the lights,
it should.
What was that?
Find a control booth.
It's up above us.
Oh, no!
Okay, again, where am I?
Where am I?
Where am I? Where am I?
Where am I?
Thanks.
Excuse me.
I saw them first.
They're just my size!
Run! Run for your lives! Run!
It's-- run for your lives!
Hello? Anybody home?
Agh... this place stinks.
Not even a monster
would hide in here.
( MUSIC CONTINUES )
Oh, no, come on!
Gotta start somewhere.
No.
( LAPPING WATER )
Like shooting fish in a barrel.
This one... uh-oh.
That's not good.
Okay, stay like that.
Come on, you can do it!
Doesn't say lights.
[NITA]
Ray!
You got Whalewolf?
It's over there!
Where's Sharktopus?
Oh, he's on his way!
Where are the jets?
( MUSIC CONTINUES )
( BELL RINGS )
I need the Air force, now!
PILOT (OVER RADIO)
Command, this is Hunter leader,
inbound. ETA, two minutes.
I don't have a few minutes!
That thing has been after me,
chased me everywhere.
It's been on me!
I can't lose it!
Isn't that the thing
that controls it?
It's supposed to,
but it doesn't work.
Come on! You stupid machine!
That's it.
Goodbye, Sharktopus!
One down.
Go! Let's go! Come on!
Go, go, go, go!
Go, go, go, go!
I got this!
Want to play fetch, boy?
Huh?
( ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING )
Get 'em, boy!
Go get 'em, boy!
Good doggy!
Atta boy!
( POWER WHIRS DOWN )
Target in range,
time to screw this pooch!
Ray!
Ray, look, look!
Come on!
( TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING )
We did it! We did it!
Hey, I save you again!
That's the third time today.
This is a "kiss me" moment.
Look, one in a kind--
one of a kind.
Save the day, save the day,
save the day.
Shut up and kiss me.
( SOFT MUSIC PLAYING )
( SOFT DRUMS PLAYING )
( MOANING )
( FAINT GROWLING )
( MANIACAL LAUGHING )
( GROWLING )
( ISLAND MUSIC PLAYING )
Give those who trespass
against us...
and lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For thine is the king--
( BELCHING )
Oh, god, sorry.
For thine is the kingdom
of power and the glory. Amen.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered
today to give our last respects.
Pablo, who are all these people
and what are they doing
on my boat?
Is that a dead body?
Don't worry, they're
gonna get rid of it.
Damn it, Pablo!
Eh-hem.
Continue, please, continue.
Go on.
[RAY]
I'm El Capitan, si?
[PABLO] Yeah.
Don't you think you should wake
me up if you're gonna rent my
boat out for a funeral!
I tried, okay?
But you were too drunk.
[REVEREND]
But Edward is in a better place.
( OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING )
Whoa!
Aw, you idiot! Okay.
Sorry, ladies and gentlemen,
we're gonna have to relocate
the boat.
Ignore him, he's drunk.
I may be drunk, but if we don't
move this boat...
we're gonna be using your
husband's coffin for
a flotation device!
Bitch, you got a bad idea!
Mother--
Cut the winch!
Aye-aye, Captain!
Holy shark!
( DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING )
( GURGLING )
( SCREAMING )
Agh...
Oh...
Agh!
Tell me they prepaid.
Yeah, th-- they paid.
How much?
It's with the widow.
( ISLAND MUSIC PLAYING )
( LOUD CLANGING )
Do you have any idea how
embarrassing this is for me?
Well, your tank top is too
tight.
Those shorts are unforgivable.
Two counts of reckless
endangerment...
one count of piloting a vessel
while intoxicated?
If they don't find that woman
you lost overboard...
you're gonna have a hard time
beating that manslaughter
charge.
Do you have to be so loud?
I'm Dominican! Maldito gringo.
Oh, no, no, stay out,
I want to be left alone.
Stay out.
What happened out there?
It was a shark.
A what?
A big one... with...
tentacles, maybe.
That sounds like a
hallucination.
Hallucinations don't tow boats,
do they, Nina?
I've got your lab results.
Do you want to know what your
alcohol level was?
Not unless I set the record.
Can you at least make bail?
That was a joke, right?
I'm sorry, but this time,
you're on your own.
You still have your friend
on the Harbor Patrol?
( SPEAKING SPANISH )
It's not a holiday for me,
either!
Hey, look, I may be a drunk,
but I know a big fish
when I see one!
There's something in that bay,
Nita!
[NITA]
You get one phone call, Ray.
What's the use? I would have
used it to call you!
( DOOR SLAMS SHUT )
What's this?
The blonde's a German,
a Doctor Reinhardt.
Runs an anti-aging clinic
on the riverfront.
Felix Rosa.
You know this guy?
He was a heck of a third baseman
five years ago.
What's he doing back on the
island?
Here for a little home cooking.
( OPERA MUSIC PLAYING )
Three percent body fat,
BP 120 over 75.
You are in perfect physical
condition...
for a middle-aged woman!
Thought you claimed to be an
athlete. Baseball, is it?
So, we have something
of a problem.
Don't give me that,
I'm a beast.
My trainer has me
on a regimen of supplements.
You know?
Yes, I can see that.
I assure you that my methods
are significantly more
sophisticated.
And completely undetectable.
Your file also says something
about a conviction for domestic
abuse.
That's impossible,
she was two-timing me.
I don't judge, Mr. Rosa.
I assure you, I merely inquire,
so that I can formulate...
the correct gene sequence
for your personality.
Gene sequence?
Given your current state
of physical decay...
( DOOR OPENS )
only the most drastic treatment
will suffice.
This will put you back
in the game.
I don't need new genes. I just
need a little, you know, boost.
To get back on the game.
I can take you places, Mr. Rosa,
that you have never been.
Of course, this is experimental.
There may be a few side effects.
I'm Papi Grande, I hit the balls
into outer space!
You want to make me feel better?
You get on the table
and I'll put on the glove.
Your move, Mr. Papi Grande.
Know what? Screw this.
Athletes.
Your 2:00 is here... actress.
Oh, Doctor, thank you so much
for squeezing me in.
They're making a new version
of the Iliad and I'm up
for Helen.
I am going to need
a bigger needle.
( CLUB MUSIC PLAYING )
Give me another.
Hey, beautifuls.
I must be drunk,
because I'm seeing double.
Hey, come on, I'm talking
to you. Don't you want
my autograph?
I sign off chest, too.
You're gross, okay?
Who are you, anyways?
Who am I?
Mm-hm.
Who am I?
Number 40, Felix Rosa,
I'm the hero of this country!
Oh, wow! We are so
impressed by that!
He used to be a baseball player.
Used to be? Watch your mouth!
I'm still the greatest!
Take this loser out of here!
You're the loser, bitch!
Para diablo! Out of here!
Oh, my god!
See you in a couple of days,
man.
Probably.
Don't tell me you sold the boat.
I would have had to sell
the boat three times to bail
your ass out.
Why don't you begin saying
something like, "Thank you,
Pablo."
So where'd you get the money?
I borrowed it.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
What do we owe him this time?
Nothing.
When I explained to him what
happened this morning...
he just volunteered to help.
Come on.
He just wants to talk to us.
Actually we're on our way
right now, and I think
his sister is there.
Do not even look at his sister.
Hah, hah, you were so cute
dancing.
I had to dance like that,
the guy was--
You see-- did you see
the guy I was dancing--
I saw.
It was weird!
No, it wasn't.
Oh, my god, wait, hold on.
I'm so wasted right now.
Girls... need a ride to your
hotel?
Wow.
We're really flattered,
you know, but we're not really
into that kind of stuff.
I'm a cop.
Oh, okay, hold on,
I have to pee, okay?
She's going to pee.
Listen, there are city
ordinances here!
Better there than in the car.
( SQUEALING )
What happened?
Jill? Jill!
Holy smokes!
( DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING )
Shark attack!
Two girls, Caucasian,
early 20's.
DISPATCH (OVER RADIO)
Wait, did you say shark?
Yes.
What's the code for shark?
I don't think there is one!
Just send in your men!
Reinhardt!
( BOTTLE SMASHING )
Good evening, Mr. Rosa.
I see you've reconsidered.
I'll show them.
They're gonna chant my name.
Let's do this!
What is this place?
This is my music room.
( MUSIC PLAYING )
( CROAKING )
Music room?
Doctor, this is so freaky.
What the--
They say the body is a temple,
Mr. Rosa.
But all too often, it is a cage.
The mind is willing...
but the human form
is so limited.
Even the strongest man is a
weakling compared with a wolf.
So primal...
it has reaction times so fast,
they border on ESP.
And for metabolic purposes...
the blood of a killer whale
holds five times the oxygen
of a primate.
So, you're putting fish blood
in me?
Whales are mammals, and it's not
blood, Mr. Rosa...
strands of DNA... we alter
your genetic structure.
Not the kind of thing
they can catch with the
pee-pee test.
Of course, this is not the
sort of things the medical
community can easily understand.
What kind of doctor are you?
Do not worry, Mr. Rosa.
I studied with the best.
Will it hurt?
Oh, yes, Mr. Rosa.
I hope so.
( HYDRAULICS WHIRRING )
( SCREAMING )
( SOFT DRUMS PLAYING )
Okay.
All rise! For his eminence,
Chief Francois Tiny!
Sit down.
Can I offer you a drink?
Whiskey.
With or without
the chicken blood?
Straight.
Wah! This generosity
is well appreciated.
Christian charity.
Hallelujah.
Ave Maria.
You see Catholic priest, they
worship the same god I do.
But in they hearts, they only
have room for one god.
But Tiny's heart? C'est grande.
That's why they call me
a Voodoo priest.
It's an outrage.
Oui! It's an outrage!
The police, they hunt me
day and night.
If you think that I have
any influence with
Inspector Morales.
I mean, she hates me more
than she hates you.
Ssh, ssh, ssh, ssh.
( SCREAMING CONTINUES )
( HITTING BALL )
( CROWD CHEERING )
ROSA (DISTORTED)
I hit the balls into outer
space.
How was that?
More... more.
More.
No, I don't think that
would be a good idea.
Yes.
No.
Yes.
No!
Please... stop!
If you had lived, you might have
been something special.
Guten abend.
( SOFT DRUMS PLAYING )
Tell me about that
creature you saw.
Who, us?
It was a gray--
Did it look like this?
Yes. What is it?
Le Sharktopus? Dude, seriously,
you don't have internet?
That thing was in Mexico
six months ago.
Then off to America,
it was all over Facebook.
The damn thing
has a Twitter account.
He already followed me back,
and he's trending topic.
I told you, man,
thing's got mad juju.
A friend.
When you bring me
the sharktopus heart...
I will make magie d'amour
so strong, that no woman will
be able to resist me.
Not that I need it.
Me being a superstar,
I dust 'em off like flies.
Hey, maybe you can hook me up,
and I get a shot with your
sister.
If you touch her,
I'll cut off your balls.
And make him eat 'em.
I'll give you
until noon tomorrow.
I'm glad that you think so
highly of me as a fisherman...
but this fish is not your
average marlin.
I mean, maybe we can make
another trade.
I could give you Pablo.
What?
Captain Ray, this is
not a request.
It is a must-do thing.
All right, off you go.
Guten abend guten nacht
( SINGING IN GERMAN )
( OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING )
Auf wiedersehen.
( DRAMATIC MUSIC FADES UP )
( DISTANT HOWLING )
A human subject with a high
tolerance for steroids...
is vital to the success
of combining various animal
DNA to the host DNA.
Their prize is hybrid DNA, and
slowly be consumed from the
inside out of this new being.
No, you will not hurt me.
If you do,
who will care for you?
You're better this way.
Free from the constraints
of human morality.
( SOFT MUSIC PLAYING )
You are beautiful.
Papi... Grande.
Still the hothead, I see.
But of course,
you're a little grumpy.
You've had nothing to eat.
What about a little rat-wurst?
Oh... I see...
well, a scientist must be
prepared to make sacrifices
for her work.
Bon appetit.
( MOANS )
I believe you are still a work
in progress, Mr. Rosa.
Please sit.
Sit!
Hmm... you definitely overdid it
with the treatment.
Your human DNA is rapidly
disintegrating. It's all very
unstable.
You really should be dead,
Mr. Rosa.
Moon.
There must have been
some catalyst...
something that triggered the
initial transformation.
Some kind of radiation.
( DISTANT HOWLING )
( DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING )
Moonlight?
Well, wolves are certainly
sensitive to the moon, and orca?
The tides? Why not?
( GROWLING )
( SHRIEKING )
Know what, man?
Next time, I'm leaving
you in jail.
You always say that.
Hey, you think Tiny would notice
if we gave him a cow's heart
instead?
Chief Tiny's not the kind of man
we want to mess around with.
Hey!
Oh!
Hey!
Hey, look who it is!
Hah-hah!
Yeah.
Man, haven't been
on this boat in ages.
So, um, what brings you
around here, Nita?
You were right, Ray.
About... what?
About the shark thing...
I saw it last night.
That must have been very
exciting for you.
Ray, it killed two girls.
You must come down to the
station with me, make
a full report.
They won't believe me,
otherwise.
Hah-hah, people can be
such skeptics.
Yeah, they're not
gonna believe her.
Uh, hey, listen, we're--
we're about to head out.
So, unless you're gonna arrest
me, this will have to wait.
You have a charter?
We're gonna go fishing.
Uh... pleasure fishing.
Such a terrible liar, Ray.
It's one of your few
redeeming qualities.
Nita, we're going after it.
Really?
Yes, really.
Then I'm coming with you.
Oh, no! It's too dangerous.
What he said. It's--
it's really dangerous and--
It will be more dangerous
without me, Ray.
No, no, no.
Okay, darling.
Okay?
But let me give you a little
refresher course on maritime
conduct.
As you say, you have not been
onboard in a long time.
This is my boat!
I'm the captain. While onboard,
you will love, fear,
and obey me.
If you don't, you will walk
the plank, swab the deck,
or clean the head...
depending on my mood.
Are we clear, Inspector?
Permission to come aboard,
Capitan?
Take off your shoes first.
( MUSIC CHANGES )
Excuse me.
Nita! Long time, no see!
Hey, Captain Phil!
You know, I got a reputation out
here as an eligible bachelor.
You're gonna spoil it.
( ENGINE STARTS )
We have to go further
up the shore.
It was way past the second buoy
when I saw it.
Hey, Pablo! One of the deck
hands is talking to me out
of turn.
[PABLO]
Make her walk the plank.
I know you don't want to hear
this, Ray, but I'm actually kind
of enjoying being out here.
Hmm.
You know what?
He kind of misses you bad.
( SOFT MUSIC PLAYING )
( MUSIC CHANGES )
Dr. Reinhardt?
Oh, dear... late night?
I had a visitor.
Doctor, you gotta stop
with these one-night stands.
They'll be the death of you.
Don't be such a prude, Nurse.
It is your old-fashioned
attitudes about sex...
that are gonna show
your true age.
That policeman, Huerta,
called last night.
Perhaps we'd better take
precautions.
I made a breakthrough. It was
simply a matter of dosage.
Doctor, if you keep working like
this, you're not gonna live long
enough to enjoy your success.
Oh, I'll live. It's the rest
of you that I'm worried about.
( GASPS )
Doctor! What kind
of visitor was this?
Why don't you ask him yourself.
He's been waiting all morning
to eat you.
( GROWLING )
I'm really sorry, it's just that
he wanted to taste a brunette.
( DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING )
Oh, my god! Help!
( CRUNCHING )
It's not like sonar
on a submarine.
I can only see
what's underneath me.
( SONAR BEEPING )
In fact, I think we just went
over something.
Pablo, come take the helm!
Okay!
Wait 'til we get to the middle
of the channel and I say hard
to port.
Hard to port.
All right.
We're gonna get this thing.
Keep your eye on him.
I got it!
When we get close enough,
I'm gonna try to tag him
with this buoy!
So we know where he is!
Tell me when it's close enough.
That's close enough!
I hope.
Great shot, man!
Hard to port! Hard to port!
Hard to port!
Ray? I don't think
that was a good idea.
I think you're right!
Go, go, go, get out of here!
Okay, full throttle!
Keep your eye on it!
You got your eye on it!
[PABLO]
It's coming.
Whoa!
Are you all right?
Uh... yeah.
Do you have something bigger?
What?
A harpoon or something.
What happened?
What is it?
Get us out of the channel!
[PABLO]
Something's wrong, man.
( ENGINE GRINDING )
Ray!
We're fouled! Stop the boat!
Ray, look out!
Oh!
Ray!
( DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING )
Yeah! We did it!
Nita? Nita?
Pablo!
What?
Nita's overboard!
I'm gonna throw her a lifeline!
Get her!
( MUSIC CONTINUES )
Ray!
Where did it go?
[PABLO]
Ray!
Pablo!
Ray!
Ray!
I'm coming.
How is she?
She's okay, she's okay.
You should kiss her.
What?
No, let's just get
her on the boat.
Okay, good idea...
then you'll kiss her.
Pablo!
( MUSIC CONTINUES )
Hey, give her to me.
No, no, I got her.
No, I got her.
I got her, get the door.
Okay, but I do the PCR.
CPR, she doesn't need it.
I'll take her clothes off.
Pablo!
It's 'cause she's sleeping...
sort of.
( MEN SHOUTING )
( WOMAN YELLING IN FRENCH )
Your 2:00 is here.
Send her in.
Oh, my--
You're before His Highness,
Chief Francois "Tiny".
Chicken. Shoo, shoo, shoo!
So, what do you need
with Chief Francois Tiny?
I came down here to see this
doctor and her anti-aging
clinic.
And she said that she wasn't
going to help me...
unless I agreed to splice my
genes with some sea cucumber
or something.
And I'm like, "Okay, fine, as
long as it's kosher."
And then she's talking about
side effects and playing that
opera music...
and the whole thing had a kind
of "Paging Dr. Mengele" feeling.
I do not follow, lady.
Okay, long story, short.
The bellhop from my hotel said
that you have a big juju.
So I came here to see
if you can tell my future.
I want to know if I'm gonna get
the part I'm after...
if the operation is a success.
I want to know if I'm gonna
marry a rich guy and have so
many shows!
Stop! Just because I am a big
fan of your stage work...
I will do you a reading.
Great!
Oh, dear!
What is it?
Is everything okay?
Is it that bad?
What, what, what?
Are you familiar
with the Time Life Network?
Yes! I watch it all the time!
I love it!
Hey, Ray?
Yeah.
How is she?
Oh, man, she's fine,
she's sleeping.
How's the engine?
I think we broke the gasket
on the manifold.
That's impossible, let me see.
We got company.
Listen, moi. Listen, moi,
si vous plais.
( SPEAKING FRENCH )
Chief Francois Tiny request
a report on your progress.
A report.
Well, uh, you tell Chief Tiny
that we're having a little
engine problem here...
and as soon as we get it fixed,
we'll get back to him.
Wow.
You have blown your gasket.
Fix it.
Okay.
You tell Chief Tiny, he'll be
eating shark fin soup--
And calamari.
And calamari in no time at all.
You two are full of crap!
Hey!
It's not the first time
somebody's said that to me.
Fix it.
Alize.
Screw this! Screw Sharktopus!
As soon as we fix this boat,
we're out of here.
That's what I'm talking about.
That's what I'm talking about.
( SOFT MUSIC PLAYING )
Hey.
Hey.
What happened?
You had a terrible nightmare.
You dreamt that you broke up
with me...
and started living this
miserable, boring life.
Ray, where are my clothes?
Well, uh, you wouldn't
believe me if I told you.
What are you doing?
Cleaning up.
Hey, do you still do that
crazy soup of yours?
Ray Brady's bouillabaisse
is not a soup.
It's a seafood extravaganza.
Several of the key ingredients
are now illegal to purchase...
so I switched to the canned
stuff.
It's way better.
Throwing this out.
Wh-- there's still something
in that one.
Wait a sec, that's full,
how'd that get in there?
No, no, no, that--
this goes over here.
No, it doesn't.
Yes, it does.
Ray, I'm the one who organized
this kitchen.
It's not a kitchen--
It's a galley.
Galley.
Hey! So you're up?
I'm not interrupting anything,
am I?
What do you need, Pablo?
Well, we need a new head gasket,
we need a new fuel line.
Oh, god.
Right now, Ray,
I just need a break.
There you go.
Hey, it's El Soltero!
This is my favorite show.
Hey, Ray, is that your hand
on my shoulder?
ANNOUNCER (V.O.):
Earlier on El Sortero...
Bachelor Mike made a tearful
farewell to Susan.
I just don't think he
understood how much I need
the approval of others.
Oh, look at that.
She's had such a rough time.
And he found romance with
Tiffany in the hot tub.
When you finally found someone
who really shares your faith...
that's the most important
thing.
Come on, Ray!
How can you watch this crap!
I love this show. They're
filming this in Santa Domingo.
The relationships that these
people have are pathetic.
Well, maybe not as pathetic
as the one you two have.
I'm just saying--
All right, guys, rolling!
Earlier on El Sortero....
Lisa, when we were out there
drinking Champagne from hot air
balloons...
it really meant something.
And I think we can be together.
And Jenn, oh, Jenny, you're
incredibly intelligent,
well-read...
you fight diseases in third
world countries.
We have nothing in common,
but... uh...
The line! Give me the lines!
Sometimes opposites attract.
Sometimes opposite attracts.
So, I have to go
with my gut now.
So...
Lisa, this is for you, baby.
( SCREAMS )
What should I do?
What should I do?
Run you fool! Run!
You got that, right?
( PHONE RINGING )
Inspector Morales.
( COUGHING )
Ray.
Try it now.
All right!
( ENGINE STARTS )
Oh!
Way to go, amigo!
Yeah!
Hey! That was Huerta.
There's been another attack
at the resort.
Don't worry. That's so far
away from here.
But it just happened. If we head
there now, we might be able
to help.
Listen, Sweetheart, hey,
listen...
that's a good one, but we barely
made it out alive from the last
run-in.
Yeah, but we've seen it.
We know what it can do.
Exactly my point.
People's lives are at stake
here, Ray.
Do we have enough fuel to get
to Belize?
Yeah, sure, I think we do.
Hey, listen, hey, I'm sorry,
but I've got other problems.
Nita! I don't want you going
after that thing alone!
It's called responsibility, Ray.
It's not something you'd
understand.
Fine, go! I won't be there
to save you this time!
I cannot play with you
right now.
I need to try and find
a replacement nurse.
( WHALEWOLF WHINES )
Stop that! Do not chew
on the specimens!
My goal was always to create
a perfect human specimen.
And at this point,
you're not even human.
So, if you're gonna behave like
an animal, I insist you be a
well-behaved one.
I went to the pet store.
These are for you.
No, they're for being good.
And good means...
using the wee-wee pad.
I call this your office,
because this is where you
do your business.
( PEEING )
Okay, you are going
to be an outdoor pet.
You should wait 15 minutes
before you go swimming!
DISPATCH (OVER RADIO)
Attention, all units, there
is a gang fight at Pier 4.
That's just a few blocks away.
( DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING )
This is Huerta and Morales,
we're on our way.
Everybody go! Run away!
( DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING )
[MAN]
Go! Let's go!
What the hell is that?
Wait!
( MUSIC CONTINUES )
What the hell is that?
Beats me.
This is a gang fight?
[HUERTA]
Got any ideas?
Oh, look! Shoot the tanks!
You know what, Ray?
If the wind stays down, we can
make it to Belize by nightfall
Tuesday.
A toast.
Not another one.
To another successful retreat
in the face of personal
responsibility.
I'll toast... for the ones
that got away.
And they always go.
To Nita.
That calls out for the good
stuff.
I save it here, because I knew
you wouldn't find it.
But we gotta finish this first.
Oh, sure.
( SOFT DRUMS PLAYING )
It's the good stuff, man.
Ooh!
Agh! Agh! Oh, my god!
That's the good stuff, right?
What's in that bottle?
It's the good stuff!
Ah, the good stuff.
Oh, I love it.
So much better.
Oh, it's burning! Agh!
Agh! Agh!
It's voodoo!
It's the voodoo man!
What?
We didn't give him the heart!
And now he's punishing us!
Ow!
You don't really believe
that voodoo crap!
Whoa! You don't put
a needle in there!
TINY (OVER RADIO)
Captain Ray, how are you
feeling today?
Peachy.
Listen, that whole sharktopus
thing, it's-- it's too
dangerous!
Okay, okay, I get the point!
Captain Ray, I am a man
of many virtues.
But patience is not one of them.
You will bring me
the creature's heart.
Oh, my god.
Okay, okay.
What the hell was that?
The tentacles, I've seen before,
the other one is new.
DISPATCH (OVER RADIO)
Inspector Morales, repeat the
previous message.
We need an ambulance
and a SWAT team!
DISPATCH (OVER RADIO)
No, no, the part about the
half-whale, half-wolf.
Just send your men!
DISPATCH (OVER RADIO)
If this is somebody's idea of a
joke--
It's no joke! Call the Navy, the
President, maybe the Pope!
I don't know!
I don't think they're
listening to us.
Maybe we need silver bullets.
It's gonna take more than that.
Damn it, Pablo!
Oh, man!
I told you we can't make a
weapon out of household
appliances!
Now we have no way to kill
Sharktopus.
And no blender... it was my
favorite blender, man.
( MUTTERING IN SPANISH )
DISPATCH (OVER RADIO)
Attention, the Coast Guard has
issued a small craft advisory.
Sharktopus!
All ships must stay in port--
They're trying to evacuate
people, so they won't cause
a panic.
So what do we do now?
I've got a better idea.
Ah...
Look, you don't have to be
afraid of anything, okay?
But the other girl--
The other girl, she's gone,
my dear, and you know what
that means.
You have the opportunity to find
the love of your life on
national television.
Besides, we are miles away.
You're totally safe.
Okay?
Alex! Lock it up!
Carrie.
Jenn.
Carrie... I really never
expected to have to make another
decision so quickly.
And we got it going on
in the hot tub.
But, frankly, your reaction to
the violent death of my last
soul-mate...
showed me a whole, different
side of you.
And they said season 27
was getting stale, huh?
And, Jenn, obviously, I was
ready to say goodbye to you,
but I am a man of faith...
and I wonder if He isn't trying
to tell me something by sparing
your life.
[WOMAN]
If you take the flower,
you'll die!
I don't want any flower.
I don't want it, either.
They don't want the flower!
This is ridiculous!
There's nothing to be afraid of!
It's just an ordinary and
average flower.
Mike, give it to me!
But I don't know
if you share my faith.
You, you, and you, follow me.
( LAUGHING )
Now, toughen up! This is
a dangerous business.
You know how many men died
filming The Hills? Huh?
( BEASTLY GROWLING )
( SCREAMING )
( HOWLING )
Who cares about the gangs?
These things ate half the gangs.
Get eyes on these things!
Sounds like werewolf's
on the move. You want
to follow him?
Not until we figure out
what we're dealing with.
What? All you think about
is food.
You don't need a scientist,
you need a maid.
Somebody to feed you
and clean up your slime.
( WHINES )
Well, I am going.
Not that you care.
I thought we had something
special.
A chance to revolutionize
the study of genetics.
Maybe even create a master race
in our own image.
Tell me it was all worth it.
That you're going to do
something bold with your life.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Please, please, not on the face.
( ISLAND MUSIC PLAYING )
This was your better idea, man?
Just to get us drunk?
Captain Phil!
Hey, did you catch anything?
Poquino!
Got some bites today!
Wow.
You know, when I was a little
boy, I had this model plane...
and I wanted to put it together,
it was so cool.
But I couldn't figure that thing
out for the life of me, so--
Wait a minute.
When I was smarter and bigger
and taller and handsomer, I
would--
I've seen that model!
I've seen it!
You don't know that plane.
I threw it away a while ago,
I was cleaning up.
I was afraid you were
sniffing the glue.
Thanks, Pablo. I hated that
plane thing!
It made me feel like such a
freakin' idiot!
According to the internet,
Sharktopus was some kind
of a genetic weapon.
But there's no mention of a
Whalewolf, or anything like
that.
There must be a clue...
somewhere.
Hey! What about her?
The steroids doctor?
You said she was advanced.
Yeah, yeah, but come on.
Dr. Elsa Reinhardt,
German national, studied
medicine at Oxford...
and molecular biology at MIT.
She's on the No Fly List.
Her clinic is right on the
route, only a couple of miles
from the first attack.
You ready for this?
Reinhardt used to work in the
same clinic where Sharktopus
was created.
You want to call in SWAT?
No, let's check it out first.
I'll drive.
( MUTTERS IN SPANISH )
You know, I'm gonna get him to
fix us something new, 'cause
this is stale.
It's really stale.
Captain Phil! Hey! Pss...
Captain Phil, you got
any fish you could spare?
Hey, man, hey, you okay, man?
Captain Phil?
( RUMBLING )
Agh! Agh!
Pablo! Pablo!
Agh! Agh! Pablo!
Pablo! Pablo!
Hey! Cut me loose!
Cut me loose!
Go! Let's go, man!
Thank you, Pablo! Thank you!
We're eventually gonna kill it
and take its heart!
You crazy? This is way better.
Maybe we can take this
to Chief Tiny.
It counts for effort.
Here.
You carry it.
I'll do the talking.
GEORGE (OVER PHONE)
Hello, Humane Society, this is
George, how may I help you?
I need to give my animal away,
quickly.
Uh, okay, is there a reason
you're relinquishing your pet?
I am changing my name
and I'm leaving the country.
Is the animal housebroken?
The house is broke, yeah.
Uh, what's the breed?
Mixed.
Uh, any idea of its heritage?
No, I made him from scratch.
Uh, ma'am, I'm really just
trying to get an idea
of his size.
Big.
More than 100 pounds?
Yeah--
Well, we--
And he had very big fins when he
was a puppy, so probably still
growing.
He likes people,
fresh if you can get some.
Is there any chance you could
take the dog with you?
Because there are hundreds
of animals in our shelter...
and it's likely we'll have to
put him down.
Oh, good luck with that one.
Wait a minute, I think
I hear him.
Go away! We are through! Get in
the water and swim away!
Go! Shoo! Shoo!
Maybe I take you for a walk
later if you are good.
Oh, it's nothing,
it's just dry cleaning.
( GROWLS )
I was thinking of getting
you a cat to play with.
Do not do anything rash,
Mr. Rosa.
I'm really more of a cat person.
( SCREAMING )
Come on.
Anybody in there?
This is the police.
We don't have a warrant.
Check around back?
Door was open
when we got here.
Dr. Reinhardt?
( EERIE MUSIC PLAYING )
Dr. Reinhardt?
Dr. Reinhardt!
( MUSIC CONTINUES )
Dr. Reinhardt?
Huerta?
( GUN FIRING )
Is that you?
Bingo. Huerta!
Huerta, get in here!
This is it!
[HUERTA] Nita!
Huerta?
Nita...
Huerta!
Get out!
What happened?
Get out.
Huerta! Huerta.
( CLANKING )
Run!
Dr. Reinhardt... what the
hell have you done?
The ultimate experiment.
All my life, I was trying
to make the perfect person.
But there is no such thing.
( GROWLING )
Oh, you had success! You brought
me the creature's heart.
Well, what makes Sharktopus
special is that he's got...
tentacles.
Yeah, you know?
You know, because all sharks
have heart, there's nothing
special about a heart.
You see the problem
with Americans?
I'm telling you--
No sense of romance.
The heart is always the most
important part.
But for my purposes,
this may work.
Guess we better lock up all the
women and young ladies.
What are you talking about?
Oh, you think I need the
Sharktopus to make a--
Love potion #9.
Yeah, sure.
No, the Sharktopus is way
too strong.
Why should I waste it?
You said it.
It was your infer--
I don't need two drunken fools
to tell me my business.
Oh, no, he's the drunk,
I'm in rehab.
Captain Ray, do you like
to go to rooster fights?
What, no, I'm against cruelty
to animals.
Ssh.
Francois Tiny loves it very
much.
Yes, us, too,
we go all the time.
I don't judge. I don't judge.
In my house in the country,
we have an entire room dedicated
to my prized cock.
I treat them very well,
you know... good food,
air conditioning.
That's right.
I treat my cock better
than I treat these men.
Yeah... air condition--
That's unfortunate.
No! It is a great success.
Yes, Chief Tiny's cock is the
biggest, the strongest,
in the island.
I'm undefeated!
You want to know my secret?
Please, no more secrets.
I don't want to know
anything else.
My cock loves to fight.
'Cause I have too much juju.
Here it comes.
Like these men, each more
loyal than the other.
'Cause they feel it... in here!
( GRUNTS )
[MAN]
Yuck.
( CHICKENS SQUAWKING )
Oh, I can feel it!
Sharktopus and I will be one!
Off you go!
Your debt is paid.
My men will escort you
to your boat.
That's how you treat people.
You are to leave this island,
never to return.
That's not part of the bargain.
You're right, it is not
a bargain.
It is a must-do thing.
Chief Tiny--
Off with them.
Tiny, I mean, god--
[RAY]
Let's go.
( ISLAND MUSIC PLAYING )
If today is my last day
on this god forsaken island...
I'm gonna subject myself
to her abuse one last time.
( PHONE RINGING )
Hey, Ray, thank god it's you.
No, Nita, I'm calling to say
goodbye. I'm--
Shut it! Listen, I'm in a clinic
at 22nd and Republic Avenue.
A clinic? Are you pregnant?
What?
Is Nita pregnant?
No!
No, no, no, she's not pregnant.
Oh!
Ahh!
Call it in, the creature's here.
Look, can we make a pit stop?
Ah, no!
Pablo'll make it worth
your while.
What?
Oh, no!
He'll wear that dress you like!
That sounds good.
( SCREAMING )
Nita!
What the hell is this place?
Nita! I hate hybrids.
Let me hit it!
Nita! Get up!
Nita!
Nice shot!
Get the laptop.
Get the laptop!
I'm getting her to the car!
( YELLING IN SPANISH )
What do you think you're doing?
Wait, wait!
Why did you get out?
Likikata!
Seatbelts!
He's eating them!
He's eating them!
( DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING )
You should let me drive!
You're still under the
influence, look at your neck!
So are you!
Yeah, Nita, he's been driving
like that for 20 years.
Go faster!
Ray, it's coming!
It's coming, Ray!
Oh, my god, look at thing!
Look out!
It's fast!
Go faster, man!
Go, you gotta go faster!
[RAY]
Hang on!
Nita, Nita, are you with me?
Come on, stay with me, Nita!
( SHIP HORN BLARING )
Hey, get these cars off my
bridge, I got a tanker
coming through.
[RAY]
We lost it.
Look out!
What the--
They're moving the bridge!
We're trapped!
[PABLO]
We gotta get out of here, man.
That thing's right behind us!
( DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING )
[NITA]
What? No! We can't--
Hold on!
What are those idiots still
doing on the bridge?
[MAN]
What is that thing?
Oh, my god!
Oh, my--
Hold on!
Oh, my--
( MUSIC CONTINUES )
Holy mack--
Agh, man!
Where are you going?
I'm getting you to the hospital!
But you're leading them right
into the middle of the city,
Ray!
Take me to the hospital, man!
And of course, Columbus never
discovered the Indian spices he
was looking for.
But he did bring back a host
of new plants and animals,
never before seen in Europe.
The avocado, the tomato, the
turkey, and, of course, the--
Not the pigeons!
Agh!
( DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES )
ANNOUNCER (V.O.):
The nightmare scene
unfolding...
as two mutant creatures wage
war in the streets of the
capital.
We go now to live footage
from the Central Plaza.
Who watches this crap?
Agh!
Sorry, man!
Your arm, sorry.
Agh! Please!
I'll get a nurse. I'll get a
nurse, hold on.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.):
The situation is under
control...
and that injuries from these
attacks have been minimal.
Excuse me, ma'am, my friend's
in a lot of pain.
We'll be with you in a moment.
Sorry, Pablo, can I get
you anything?
Actually, can you get me a soda?
Do you got any change?
Just let me know if you have
any updates.
How's Pablo?
Ah, he's okay.
He keeps saying it's my fault.
I think he's laying the
groundwork for a workman's comp
claim.
How's your neck?
It's fine.
Listen, Sharktopus and Whalewolf
are destroying the city.
Now we've lost track of them.
Did you just say Whalewolf?
You got a better name?
Uh-uh.
I gotta figure out where
Whalewolf is and what it wants
from Reinhardt's laptop.
She was splicing together genes
from every corner of the
animal kingdom.
I don't get this.
Here, let me take a look.
Okay, Professor Brady...
please explain it to me.
You know what? That's always
been your problem, Nita.
Now I just saved your life for
what, the second time today?
And you'd think that you could
give me some credit.
Sorry.
Thank you, Ray.
You ever thought that underneath
this strong, masculine facade...
is a renaissance man, the one
that women would want to live
with for the rest of their life.
The one that your mother
says is a keeper!
Just look at the files, Ray.
Are you kidding me, girlfriend,
I have no idea...
no clue how to even get on that
internet, webby thingy.
( ISLAND MUSIC PLAYING )
This is before.
Hmm.
And this is the after.
What, you dyed your hair?
That's the same face.
What happened to your massive
plastic surgery?
I'm a natural beauty.
As your agent, I have to tell
you, there are very few roles
for women...
in the late, late, twilight
of their career.
But I feel so much younger!
I have the legs
of an 18-year-old.
Are you keeping them
in the freezer?
You know, I was thinking,
we should submit to that
horror movie.
As one of the zombies.
No, the sexy college student.
I don't think I heard
that right.
The island breeze has
rejuvenated me.
I know you did horror when you
were younger, but movies are
different now.
They have sound.
( RUMBLING )
There's no way on earth you can
be cast as a scream queen!
Are you trying to audition?
Oh, no, no--
I'm sorry, that scream
is just not believable.
( BELCHES )
Reinhardt never worked in any
weapons program.
She mostly worked
with actresses and athletes.
If I only knew which one.
What good would that do?
I don't know, we could find
out the weakness.
Wait! That's Felix Rosa.
What about him?
In the lab, when that thing
grabbed the stick from Pablo...
and swung and hit him?
That swing, that was Felix Rosa.
How do you know?
When that SOB tanked in the
series against Boston...
I lost two grand. I'd know
that lousy swing anywhere.
Yeah, but why would it be
after Sharktopus?
Rosa was always kind of a prat.
You know, he's one of those
guys that thinks he's
the top dog.
Kindred spirit, Ray?
When his RBI's started to
fade...
he started swinging at refs,
fans, women, anything
he could hit.
Now that's a relief.
What?
Now don't get me wrong, Ray.
Monsters fighting in the city...
it's going to kill
the tourist trade.
But random violence, it's better
than organized aggression.
If one of those creatures was
controlled by somebody...
following orders?
That would be a real problem.
Well--
What?
Chief Tiny, I mean, he's an
eccentric guy, I mean, but his
master plan...
I mean, it wouldn't really work,
I mean, cock fights, yes--
What does Chief Tiny
have to do with this?
He-- well-- he may have a way
to control Sharktopus.
Are you involved in this,
too, Ray?
Involved is sort of a gray area.
I gotta get there now!
No, no, no, you don't!
I can talk to him.
Maybe I can get him
to help us out.
Look, you just stay here.
You gotta find his weakness.
You got the computer, find his
weakness. He likes to hit
balls and women.
Balls and women.
( CHANTING )
( DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING )
It's still missing something.
Easy, fellas!
Yes, yes, I understand.
Thank you.
That was the Undersecretary
of Defense.
He said he's ready to call in an
air strike, but he's worried
about civilian casualties.
He won't give the order unless
the creatures are in an isolated
location.
Isolated? How are we gonna do
that if we don't even know
where they are?
Think, think.
I'm trying.
The lab is destroyed, Rosa
doesn't have a home on the
island.
If you were Whalewolf,
where would you go?
I don't know, the mountains?
The jungle?
Hey, maybe they swam
to Florida by now.
He's Dominican, not Cuban.
That's it!
The only place a Dominican
baseball player would go...
the baseball stadium.
Make a u-turn, we just need
both creatures there,
then call the airstrike.
We found this guy lurking
outside.
I wasn't lurking, I was
knocking, there's a difference.
What are you doing here?
I know you told me to like
leave the island...
but, well, I got this teeny,
tiny--
teeny, tiny, tiny favor, Tiny?
Teeny...
Allez vous. You ain't got
nothing left to offer me.
There's another-- there's
another creature.
I mean, if you-- if you can
control Sharktopus--
If?
Perfect! Perfect!
You get Sharktopus to eat
likikata...
and the President said that
he'll pardon you.
Hah-hah, hah.
My dear Captain Ray...
with Sharktopus...
( SPEAKING FRENCH )
With the aid of this voodoo
doll, my bitch...
I will be the government.
And besides, I already heard
of this new demon.
And I will control him, too...
like Sharktopus with this,
though.
Well, if you're not gonna help,
then you leave me no choice!
I will use my judu-kung-fu-ro...
And then you'll come on this,
how do you say...
then you'll be my bitch!
You think I'm an idiot!
How about we just have a drink?
I am the great Chief Francois,
descendant of the last Tonga
king!
Don't you think I would know
these parlor tricks?
Uh, absolutely.
But since you want to play
this juju game...
I will teach you a lesson
on how it's really done.
This is mean-man etouffle,
Sharktopus stew.
It already gives me insight
into the mind of Sharktopus.
The Sharktopus voodoo doll
is the key!
And with the tentacle,
it is activated.
But the bond will be stronger...
if we add some sacrificial
blood... human blood.
Take him to the alley
and gut him.
Now, what part of the government
do I destroy first?
How--
Son of a--
( DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING )
Oh, Sharktopussy, mega-puss!
You let him go?
You idiots!
So now I know what
kung-fu juju does.
Vamos! Rapido!
Is that everyone?
Yes.
Good.
( PHONE RINGING )
RAY (OVER PHONE)
Nita!
Ray, what's up?
Well, you know, same old,
same old... where are you?
The baseball stadium.
I thought given its history,
Whalewolf might be here.
But I need Sharktopus here, too.
Well, I might be able to help,
if I can find just find the on
switch...
on this voodoo doll.
Shoot-- uh--
( MUTTERING IN FRENCH )
Ray? Ray?
Nita, Nita! Nita!
( PHONE BEEPING )
Pablo!
Hey, over here!
How's that net coming?
No sign of Whalewolf!
That buys us time. It's not like
a boat's engine, you know?
But we're gonna get there.
I think it's gonna hold.
It only needs to hold
for a few minutes...
long enough to jolt them.
Perfect, then we just need
the creatures.
Can you give me a hand?
Let's get the other side.
Sure.
So exactly how's this gonna
work, Pablo?
Well, this net is made
out of metal.
We're gonna run 60,000 volts
through it...
and whatever touches it,
is gonna go up in flames.
That will hold him
until the jets come here.
I'm completely lost.
Ah, who am I kidding, I have no
clue how to turn this thing on.
It is very simple, Captain Ray.
You just have to feel it.
That was for your insolence,
this is for your doubt.
Feel that!
Get mama.
I'm-- I'm--
I'm a ve--
This really works.
I've got the juju!
I've got the juju!
I control you!
Friends?
I guess not.
I hate sharks!
( DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES )
Oh, there's something fishy
about this place.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
This is gonna be bad.
So this should take care of him.
Are you sure this is gonna work?
Well, I hope it does, I mean,
once we turn on the lights,
it should.
What was that?
Find a control booth.
It's up above us.
Oh, no!
Okay, again, where am I?
Where am I?
Where am I? Where am I?
Where am I?
Thanks.
Excuse me.
I saw them first.
They're just my size!
Run! Run for your lives! Run!
It's-- run for your lives!
Hello? Anybody home?
Agh... this place stinks.
Not even a monster
would hide in here.
( MUSIC CONTINUES )
Oh, no, come on!
Gotta start somewhere.
No.
( LAPPING WATER )
Like shooting fish in a barrel.
This one... uh-oh.
That's not good.
Okay, stay like that.
Come on, you can do it!
Doesn't say lights.
[NITA]
Ray!
You got Whalewolf?
It's over there!
Where's Sharktopus?
Oh, he's on his way!
Where are the jets?
( MUSIC CONTINUES )
( BELL RINGS )
I need the Air force, now!
PILOT (OVER RADIO)
Command, this is Hunter leader,
inbound. ETA, two minutes.
I don't have a few minutes!
That thing has been after me,
chased me everywhere.
It's been on me!
I can't lose it!
Isn't that the thing
that controls it?
It's supposed to,
but it doesn't work.
Come on! You stupid machine!
That's it.
Goodbye, Sharktopus!
One down.
Go! Let's go! Come on!
Go, go, go, go!
Go, go, go, go!
I got this!
Want to play fetch, boy?
Huh?
( ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING )
Get 'em, boy!
Go get 'em, boy!
Good doggy!
Atta boy!
( POWER WHIRS DOWN )
Target in range,
time to screw this pooch!
Ray!
Ray, look, look!
Come on!
( TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING )
We did it! We did it!
Hey, I save you again!
That's the third time today.
This is a "kiss me" moment.
Look, one in a kind--
one of a kind.
Save the day, save the day,
save the day.
Shut up and kiss me.
( SOFT MUSIC PLAYING )
( SOFT DRUMS PLAYING )
( MOANING )
( FAINT GROWLING )
( MANIACAL LAUGHING )
( GROWLING )