Shiva Baby (2020) Movie Script

- Fuck.
- Do it again?
Yeah, daddy.
Keep going.
- Oh, oh my God.
- Oh!
Hi, it's me, it's Mommy.
Listen, are you coming to
the funeral today or what?
Because we gotta leave soon
and you told me you were.
But your dad
just said you're not.
He's always 10 notes
behind, though so...
He's still at the gym so who
knows if we'll even get there.
Danielle, your father, useless.
I ask him to do one
thing today, one thing.
You know what?
Just call me back, okay?
Call, do not text me.
Busy day?
I have this brunch thing
that I have to get ready for.
Oh, is it another client?
- Yes.
- Does he have hair?
- Yes, some.
- Does he have teeth?
Well, how are you gonna
get through law school
when you're busy screwin'
around with these guys?
How are you get
through law school
when you're busy screwin'
around with these guys?
Don't forget, hm?
Thank you.
Mm hm.
Um, did you remember?
Oh yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I really wanna help you
with your degree
and law school and everything,
and I think it's really
great to support females,
female entrepreneurs.
- I know.
- Who will be doing nothing
with their business majors
and sociology minors.
- Okay. Cool.
- You're the future.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Good to see you guys.
- Danielle!
- Please don't yell!
I just wanna make sure
that she sees us.
embarrassing yourself.
Would you leave me alone?
- Hi, Daddy.
- Hi, sweetie.
Listen, we could have
given you a ride.
It's fine.
Why did you bring the van?
Your mother
neglected to tell me
that she was having
her own car fixed.
I did tell him.
I had to move all my
products here to the back.
As a matter of fact,
there was no room for
me to drive up front.
Your mother had to drive.
I did tell you.
He doesn't listen
or he's got Alzheimer's.
How was the funeral?
Ah, eulogies were shit.
- I liked 'em.
- You like everything.
You're wearing makeup.
You look nice with makeup.
How do I look?
Um, you look great.
- Do I?
- Yeah, Mom, you look good.
You didn't say that in
a very self-assured way.
You look great, Mom.
Where'd you get that bracelet?
- I don't know.
- Wow, it looks expensive.
I think you got it for
me in like high school
- or something.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- I'm amazing.
All right,
shall we go in, everybody?
What's my sound bite again?
Y'know, just that
you're finishing up finals
and you've got a few
job interviews lined up.
Although Moira's here and
her daughter Stephanie...
- Jessica.
- Whatever.
She's like this
marketing executive,
kind of publicist thing.
- Assistant.
- Exactly.
You should really
talk to her, y'know?
No, she doesn't
want to talk to her.
She's not interested
in marketing.
It's just a job.
Why is Maya here?
- Shit.
- Oh my God, Dad.
We'll be here another hour.
Why did you put them like
that in the first place?
There's too much
stuff to get in all at once.
But listen to me a second,
all right?
Why don't you just tell people
that temporarily you're
gonna be working with me,
with your dad, just until
you find something better.
No, no.
She's not gonna say that.
Why not?
Tell me truthfully how I look.
- You look good, Mom.
- Is the hair better?
do you have my phone on you?
No, you have Alzheimer's.
Are you okay?
- Yeah.
- Really?
Can I whisper something to you?
No funny business with Maya.
What is that supposed to mean?
You know what it means.
You're lucky
I'm so open-minded.
Okay, yeah you're right,
I should kiss the ground
you walk on for not kicking
me out of the house.
You're not in our house,
you're just on our payroll.
Can we go?
I've been waiting for you.
- Right.
- Go.
Oh, now you don't wait for me.
- Watch the kids.
- Wait, Mom. Who died?
I'm so sorry for your loss.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, it's so sad.
She was so full of life,
She was so... yeah.
I'm really...
Oh, Maya, I mean Danielle.
Columbia, oh my God.
That's fantastic.
It is. But
it wasn't our first choice.
- You must be so proud.
- It's incredible, really,
What's your line of work
that you're interested in?
Well, it's sort of
like, it's media, y'know?
Oh, you look wonderful.
Thank you, so do you.
Abbie would be so pleased.
Does Danielle want to go
to law school or grad school?
Neither right now.
She's just got a few
job interviews lined up.
That's great.
- She lost so much weight.
- Yeah. Quite a lot.
Is she okay?
She just, y'know,
finals, stress... whatever.
Is she seeing anyone?
Not at the moment, no.
Is Maya seeing anyone?
Not at the moment, no.
How come?
Excuse me.
Of course.
I feel so bad for Debbie.
- So good to see you.
- Thank you.
Thank you for coming.
There's some bagels
on the table.
Oh, I'm gonna go grab one.
Maya says she's changed her
major at least a dozen times.
Do you think
she has an eating disorder?
Who's that? He's cute.
Janice and Maury's son.
Max, I think.
Can I sneak by?
- Hi.
- Hi.
- How are you?
- I'm good, how are you?
I'm good. I'm really good.
Yeah, you seem it. Seem good.
Congrats on law school,
that's really great.
That only took you like
four fuckin' months.
How's babysitting?
What are you like, are
you here this summer?
It's just, I didn't know
that I was gonna see you today
because I thought that you
would still be taking finals.
I finished them, yesterday.
And what, you just
had to like race home
for your best friend Annie?
That's what I said.
Well I interned for her
in high school.
Oh yeah, course you did.
Yeah, so my mom
and I thought it'd be
like good to be with
the family in this time.
Show you off, very
on brand for Katherine.
Were you um,
were you even at the funeral?
- Really?
- Of course I was.
Your dad was kinda
like frazzled,
I don't um, he said
you were running late.
Okay, well if he said
that, then why did you ask?
You can't just like show
up to like the after party
for a shiva and like reap
the benefits of the buffet.
I didn't, I was there.
Were you like looking for
me and asking everyone?
No, I was not looking for
you. Let's live in the truth.
Where's Danielle?
What was your favorite
part of the service?
The whole thing was beautiful.
you must just be so sad.
You must be really
grieving your friend Annie.
Well, actually our families
are really close, y'know?
She actually played bridge
with my bubby.
- Bubby?
- Yeah.
Okay, you've never met
your grandma.
Well, thank you for
reminding me, Maya.
I'll be right back.
- It is so good to see you.
- We need to catch up.
Yeah, come find me.
- Come find me.
- What?
Are you like thrilled to be
home with your peak audience?
I'm not thrilled,
I'm grieving.
It's a funeral.
- Maya!
- I know, I'm sad too.
- You remember Gloria?
- Hi, how are you?
I'm good, how are you?
Mom, mom, mom, who died?
Abbie, Uncle Morty's
second wife's sister,
you remember her.
No, I don't think so.
She used to play bridge
with Bubby.
- Here.
- Oh, Mom I can't eat that.
- Why not?
- I'm vegetarian.
You're killin' me.
I've told you so many times.
You have not eaten a
single thing all day.
That's because
we just got here.
You look like Gwyneth
Paltrow on food stamps.
- Oh my God.
- And not in a good way.
You know what Aunt Oz says?
She says she thinks
you're anorexic.
Are you listening to me?
Hey, hey.
Oh my God.
That's Paul
and Cheryl Shapiro's nephew.
He's so cute.
You know what?
He has a cousin
that works in publishing.
- Maybe he can help you.
- Mom, stop.
I have to go to the bathroom.
- No no no no, let's go.
- Mom.
We're gonna do this.
I don't want to.
- Come with me.
- I'll go later.
- Now.
- I didn't eat yet and I'm...
Come on, come on.
I'll get his number later.
- Now.
- Stop.
- Now, now, now.
- No, Mom.
- Now, now.
- Mom.
The problem is the interest
rates and the economy...
Hey, look who's here.
Hi, sweetheart.
Hey, oh my gosh.
Max worked
for your father years ago.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Joel's your father?
Mm hm, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Do you kids know each other?
Um, yeah.
We met a really long time ago.
No kidding, how?
At the uh.
- Um, at the Beth...
- Beth Torah.
- Israel, Israel, yeah.
- Beth Israel, right.
You met at shul?
Yeah... I was volunteering
for the children.
What children?
Really, I can't even get
you to go to services with me.
It's a thing, you can...
you can volunteer
for the Jewish children.
It's like an organization.
Aren't you too busy,
I mean like with school
and then doing the
babysitting and everything?
Oh wow, you babysit?
How often do you do that?
Just, y'know,
whenever they need me.
They don't give
you a schedule?
- No schedule?
- No schedule, Mom.
Well, do you enjoy it?
Yeah, I mean depends
on the kid,
but it's a great way
to pay the bills, so.
You've never paid
a bill in your life.
That's... I don't...
You know what I mean.
That doesn't mean
she's not responsible.
I've paid bills before.
Listen, sweetheart, as
soon as graduation comes,
you'll learn all about bills.
I'll make sure
you understand everything.
but you're studying business?
No, not business.
No no, she's studying gender.
The business of gender.
It's like gender business.
She does this fantastic
where you kind of design
- your own major.
- It's fascinating.
It's a little complex when
it comes to finding employment,
but she's doing terrifically.
Well, it can get a
job for a lot of people.
Yes, absolutely.
You are gonna make
your own job, right?
Because she's so talented.
Well now that you're gonna
be going to law school,
you won't have to worry
about that.
Law school? Where'd you get
the idea about law school?
That's Maya, Maya is
going to law school.
Danielle is gender business.
I still don't exactly
know what that means,
but she's great.
What's the post-grad
plan, then?
are they taking care of you?
Are you making enough
money now from babysitting?
No, Dad, not nearly enough
considering all the hard
work that I'm doing.
Well, it's a good thing
that you don't need the money.
I'm saving up for something.
Oh yeah, well what
are you saving up for?
Your own apartment?
Yes. She's doing just that.
Daddy's not going to be paying
for that apartment forever.
- But she's very hard-working.
- Listen, maybe you and Max
could discuss this in
more detail together.
Yes, yes.
I mean, maybe he could help
you find the ideal position.
Yeah, I'm sure he can
but I already have a plan
and a path,
so I don't need that.
Look, sweetheart,
feminism isn't exactly
what I call a career.
It's not my career.
It's a lens...
...through which
to see my career.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I understand, there's
acting, and there's film,
there's comedy, there's
there's all that stuff.
But you can't really
support yourself
as an adult through
babysitting, y'know?
I mean, sooner or later,
you're gonna have to narrow
it down to one thing.
Don't you have a cousin
who's in publishing?
Sam, sure.
Maybe he needs an intern.
- Sure.
- Yeah, would it pay?
Well, some stipend
or something.
I mean, you could work
out an arrangement, right?
Get the family deal.
Yeah, exactly.
That would be great.
This beautiful thing.
Oh look, they
put the desserts out.
- Excuse me.
- Let others go first.
You go to the gym
in the morning,
you eat your weight
back to lunch.
What are you gonna do?
Could you come with me to
the kitchen for a second?
He's funny.
Don't go there.
He's not for you.
Go where?
Just try to behave yourself
today, for me please?
What are you
talking about, Mom?
I'm not gonna blow him
in the bathroom.
We are at a shiva.
That's what I'm saying,
I'm not gonna do it.
And you can't go there anyway,
'cause he's married.
- He's married?
- Yuh huh.
- Are you sure?
- Yuh huh.
To a shiksa princess.
Poor guy.
Thank you.
Thank you, Danielle.
So, your folks, they're good?
They're still in Florida?
Yeah they are, they've become
quite the snowbirds, actually.
They bounce back and forth
quite a bit.
Ah, that's so fantastic,
I love that.
I've been dying
to get down there myself
to play
my annual golf tournament.
Oh, I didn't know
you golfed, Joel.
Yeah, but I had major hip
replacement surgery this year.
- I'm so sorry to hear that.
- Partial.
But she won't allow
me to get on a plane.
Well, that makes sense.
It's probably a good idea.
So, how's
your brother, Max?
Oh, he's good.
He's, y'know, he's...
Um yeah, he's
your parents' favorite.
You're funny.
- Just kidding.
- I know.
So yeah, but he's good.
He's doing really good,
the practice is...
And how's Kate?
Um, Kim.
- Kim, sorry.
- Yeah, no, it's okay.
She's good.
She's doin' really well.
She's on her way, actually.
Oh, that's lovely.
You know, I don't
know how this escaped my mind,
but didn't you guys
have a baby this year?
Yes we did.
- Oh my God.
- That's fantastic.
- Mazel tov.
- How did I not know that?
What great news.
Do you have photos? Let's see.
Sure, of course.
Aw, look at that.
Good on you, buddy.
- Oh, she's gorgeous.
- Oh, what a beauty.
I think you got a phone call.
Oh, sorry, I'll be right back.
Hi, yeah, we're in the
back. Let me come get you.
It's a cute baby.
You thought
that baby was cute?
It was hideous,
freakishly pale and no nose.
What the heck?
Where are you going?
Because she's
got her own business...
I don't get it.
I thought your mom
was watching her.
I know, she got sick.
What the fuck?
You want the baby
getting sick?
This is why we need
a new sitter.
Okay, fine,
I'll find a new sitter.
- Hi.
- Hey!
How are you?
Hi, good to see you.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- Oh you brought the baby!
- She's beautiful.
- I know.
- My goodness.
- We need a new sitter.
- I know, I'll find one.
- Hi, I'm Debbie.
- I know, we met...
It was at the
Glickman bris?
- The bris.
- Yes.
That's right.
That was fun.
Well, I mean,
you know what I mean.
It was good to see you
guys there, yes exactly.
Oh, look at
you, you little cutie.
What a nice button nose
you've got.
Good thing she
doesn't have my nose.
Oh my God,
look at her.
Look at those eyes.
She's definitely
got her mom's eyes.
Oh, your jacket's dirty.
Didn't wanna wear the one that
I took to the dry cleaners?
Uh, I guess
I couldn't find it.
- It's fine.
- Okay.
You know what,
why don't I take her
so you can get something to eat?
Oh, it's fine,
it's fine.
And I mean,
you'll get me something right?
Yeah, here,
can you hold her shoe?
- The baby's shoe.
- I am starving.
Oh, sure.
Been running around
all day with this one.
- Max had a meeting this morning.
- A meeting on a Sunday?
What do you want,
a bagel or something?
You know what
I'd love? Arugula.
Oh, it's rugelach,
not arugula.
That's what she said.
that's not what she said.
She said arugula and you
need your hearing checked.
- My hearing is fine.
- Right.
You just don't listen,
that's your problem.
Oh my God.
You look so gorgeous,
Oh my God, stop, please.
You look gorgeous.
Why thank,
you. You're a grown woman.
I know, yeah.
Feels like just yesterday
you were the same age as Mason.
It's crazy.
I know, he's gonna be bar
mitzvahed later this year.
I heard, yeah.
I went and I
bought him a suit.
I gotta show you this, wait
a minute, wait a minute.
It's here somewhere.
Oh, sorry.
Now, look at it,
isn't this cute?
Of course, it has to be tailored
because he gained
a lot of weight.
One sec, sorry.
Just a minute.
didn't mean to startle you,
but is there an open
window or a fan inside?
Great, thank you.
Hey, you.
- You look stunning.
- Oh, thank you.
Absolutely gorgeous.
- Thanks.
- So, any boyfriends?
No, not yet, or right now.
You must be so excited
about graduating.
Yeah, I mean like
I have some exams left
and then I have some
interviews that I'm gonna do.
Really? You didn't tell me.
Well, I don't think
you know the places.
Do you still make
those little videos?
I always thought
those were so fun.
I haven't done one in a while.
So, acting is still your goal?
No, it's like comedy,
What was your major
again, sweetie?
No no, she doesn't have
a major, Mom.
She makes it up, but you
like got a diploma, right?
I think
it was politics.
Now I'm trying to think
if I know anybody.
I always remember
you were such
an humanitarian growing up.
You wanted to go on that trip
and feed the homeless and
teach English in the Orient.
My major was sort of
like women
and gender studies
through the lens...
Oh, so you could run marches
like with the pink pussy hats.
Yes, exactly, that's
such a good idea, right?
You love to march
and you love to knit.
Our friend, Steve Epstein,
his son was like you.
He was studying what,
philosophy or photography.
One of those things.
And his parents were terrified,
naturally, about his future.
I mean, how's he going
to make any money?
But I mean, 20 years later,
he's a brain surgeon.
You never know.
Yeah, you never know.
You may end up
being a brain surgeon.
Oh Sheila, I can do that.
- What?
- I can take that for you.
Oh, you are so lovely.
Thank you, darling.
Eli vomited
all over the kids' room.
It's okay.
- It's a mess in there.
- Yeah, I got it.
Okay, thank you.
babysitter to the rescue.
That's so sweet.
You're a darling.
- I can help you.
- It's fine.
No, I want to.
Such nice girls.
Oh my God.
Why do people even
bring kids to shivas?
Here, let me help you. I
don't want to get it on you.
I was trying to build
an app for...
Weren't you wearing
tights before?
Wait, why are you bleeding?
As you know, I...
Really neat.
It just got caught in
something, it's fine.
Well, you have an
open wound on your leg.
It's a scratch.
Why do you keep
looking over there?
- Where?
- At the skinny blonde woman.
I'm not looking at her.
Okay, she's very pretty,
but she's too old for you.
I don't think
she's pretty.
Malibu Barbie's not pretty?
I mean she's just
like basic, y'know?
Like she's just
like generic looking.
She's like generic pretty.
She's possibly the most
beautiful person I've ever seen
I just wouldn't be into
her is what I'm saying.
She has like the essence
I want in 15 years.
like boring?
Boring wife who...
doesn't have sex
and is like... mean.
No, she's like
a hot businesswoman,
basically a single mom, so
stressed out but you can't tell
It's like, goals.
- She's not a businesswoman.
- Yeah, she is.
She's an entrepreneur.
No, she's not.
Yeah, my mom told me she
has like three businesses.
But that's what I'm saying,
you can't tell because
she's so chill about it.
Why does she have three?
Did they all just like fail?
Okay, you're projecting
like a lot of misogyny
for a future
woman's march organizer.
What's goin' on?
- What kinda company?
- It's like a stop-down.
What's that?
What kind of company was it?
Excuse me.
What are you?
thank you for helping me.
You're being so weird.
I'm not being weird.
- Hi, so good to see you.
- Hi, mazel tov.
- Okay, yeah.
- Bye.
Come here.
What? Why are you dragging me?
I thought you were
a vegetarian.
I am, you said that, you
said that you wanted me to eat.
Your behavior right now
is completely unacceptable.
Okay, I think you
need to relax.
Don't you tell me to relax.
You are flirting with everyone.
You are chugging wine.
You are sitting on a table.
What is this, a party?
And I thought I told you no
funny business with Maya.
I don't know what that means.
Oh yes you do.
Don't play dumb with me.
I thought you were
done experimenting.
You think everyone
that's bi is experimenting.
You don't know anything.
You have zero gaydar.
Excuse me, kid?
I lived through New York
in the '80s.
My gaydar is strong as a bull.
- Look at this waist!
- Oh my God.
Hi darling,
how was spin class?
Oh, it was good,
but look at this one.
Is she not eating?
- Right?
- How much does she weigh?
How much you weigh?
Uh, I don't know.
Oh, come on.
Do you want me
to get on a scale?
You're so funny,
look at this punum.
You're okay.
Who the fuck brings
a baby to a shiva?
She doesn't know,
she's not Jewish.
What do you mean, you
told me she converted?
Converted, shmerted,
she doesn't even know
how to say rugelach.
You know what?
I heard her dad was Jewish.
That doesn't count.
Anyway, she's very charming.
They seem very happy,
very happy, sweet couple.
She seems like a pill to me.
She's very hard-working.
Oh yeah, okay,
a hard-working pill.
You know what
I don't understand?
Nice Jewish boy
marries a shiksa
when he could have any
wonderful woman here.
Like look at
this beautiful girl.
Right? Oh wait, wait,
sweetie, you got schmutz.
- Stop.
- I'm just helping you.
I'm just getting the
schmutz off your face.
Anyway, the thing is
- I think she's the breadwinner.
- The breadwinner.
And where do you think
she got that money,
maybe from his dad?
Maury doesn't have
a pot to piss in.
Oh, because he's so generous.
Everybody knows
his business is kaput.
But that's not his fault.
That's not, oh, look
at you defending Maury.
I forgot
you have a crush on him.
- I don't have a crush on him.
- Oh yes you do.
Don't be ridiculous.
He was just very kind at a time.
Oh, very kind, yes. Very kind.
- At a time, it was difficult...
- A giant schlong.
- Oh, stop it.
- He schtups like a champ.
Oh, where did you hear that?
- I'm sorry.
- Don't answer that.
Where did you hear that?
Don't answer, don't tell
me, but I'd like to know
at a later date.
Excuse me, darling,
but I'm not gonna talk
about this anymore.
- We can talk about it later.
- Thank you, thank you.
Because the shiksa might
be able to get her a job.
- Mom, no.
- Oh, a job?
- Go.
- Mom.
Of course, of course, go, go.
Don't be shy, speak up.
This is my daughter, Danielle.
What's the matter?
You wanna hold her, sweetie?
You can calm her down,
you're a babysitter.
Um, I'm okay.
Somebody's very tired.
You're good sport,
Needs a nap.
She needs
a little nappy nap.
Well, everybody's
crying, it's a shiva.
Hi, I'm Kim Beckett.
Hi, nice to meet you.
And that's Rose.
Hey, that was you not
too long ago, sweetie.
Danielle is about to graduate.
Do you know what college
you're going to yet?
I'm in college.
Yeah, of course.
So Joel was saying that maybe
you have a job offer for her?
Yeah, we were
just telling Kim
what a fantastic
babysitter you are.
I'm looking for someone.
I mean, might be good
to fill it in part time
while you're looking
for whatever it is
that you're gonna do.
I mean, good babysitters
are so hard to find.
It's impossible.
It sure is.
That's so nice of you to offer,
I'm actually fully booked.
Sweetie, you've only
got one family, right?
- It can't take that much time.
- How would you know that, Dad?
You make your deposits
once a month,
it's not rocket science.
Why are you looking
into my account so much?
Because they're ours,
sweetheart, that's why.
Anyway, the point is
that I think Danielle
was more interested
in an office job,
like at your office
doing clerical work
or something like that.
I mean, you're such an
amazing entrepreneur.
A real self-made woman.
Yeah, it's fantastic, you've
got so many different things
going on all at once.
I have to with his lifestyle.
Really, that's funny.
I never would have pegged
you for a man of luxury, Max.
Oh, are you kidding me?
Him and his friends
go to the most
ridiculously expensive
restaurants, don't you?
I mean, they're foodies.
I'm gonna get a cup of coffee.
- Oh, could you get me one?
- Sure.
So, I don't know, if
you change your mind,
if you find yourself
with some time,
I'm actually working
from home right now.
But I really could use somebody
to help with the organizing,
scheduling, things like that.
I mean, we could really
tailor it to something
that you like, if you
think that would suit you.
- That'd be great.
- That sounds wonderful.
Um, no, that's so nice
of you to offer, I just,
I don't think that's
anything that I would like.
I don't really wanna be
like a girl boss type of,
that's not my thing.
But it's very cool that
that's what you do.
That's so funny,
I have the same...
- Really?
- Oh, neat.
Would you look at that?
You do, ah.
I guess we both
have fabulous taste.
Well, you and Max.
I would say
it's a little bit extravagant.
- Really?
- But um, that's him.
Was it a special present?
Was it for your high school
graduation or something?
Yeah, I
think so, must have been.
Yeah, something like that.
- Sure.
- Yeah.
Oh, I thought you
were in college.
I am.
It's just that
it's a new collection.
Max, what are you
doing over there?
Listen, if you guys
need a ride,
I happen to have
the van outside.
Sweetie, are you sure
we got you that bracelet?
Yeah, I mean
I can't afford this.
We can't afford it, either.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure,
it must have been you.
- It had to have been.
- I guess so.
- Whoa.
- I'm sorry.
Somebody's popular.
- Busy guy.
- Work emails,
getting them all at once.
Seriously, the service in
here, it's terrible.
- I got it.
- No no no, I got it.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
Did any of it get on her?
- She's okay, are you okay?
- It's okay, it's okay.
Oh my God, are you okay?
- Yeah.
- Oh sweetie, come with me.
I know, I know, I know.
I'm so so sorry,
is she all right?
Well thank God Sheila's
coffee is always lukewarm
or you'd have
third degree burns.
Are we allowed to use that?
This, oh God'll forgive us.
It's too crazy in there.
I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to, it was...
It happens.
Yeah, bubala?
Are you disappointed in me?
Um, sorry.
Excuse me.
Bye Gloria, see you next week.
you're not?
Sheila, I can help
you with these chairs.
Oh, you're an angel.
Sheila... okay.
We were having a conversation.
My cleaning lady
got the flu yesterday
and it's just the worst timing.
All right, all right.
Thank you.
If you can put 'em up
against that wall over there.
Hey, I can help you.
- Thanks.
- Mm hm.
Nice cum stain.
Seriously, you need to
be less sensitive, okay?
Excuse me.
Wait, you need to
stop biting your nails.
- It's so gross.
- Can you stop?
This is so pretty.
Where did you get it?
I don't know.
What do you
mean you don't know?
- I don't know.
- You don't know?
Wait, it's unclasped.
Did you buy it with
your babysitting money?
You're being a bitch.
I'm not being a bitch.
Hi, I'm Max.
Are you Danielle's cousin
or sister or something?
'Cause you guys
look really similar.
Uh, no.
But we do kinda look alike,
it's kinda fucked up.
We grew up together.
Oh, so kinda like family.
I don't know,
we went to prom together.
Oh, that's so sweet.
It is so sweet, you're right.
She was like late and
brought me a dead corsage.
It wasn't dead.
It was fully a dead flower.
I feel like you two
had a really fun prom.
You bet that we did, yeah.
- We like caught a limo.
- Uh huh, yeah.
You spiked the punch, puking
and like smokin' blunts.
- And we like fucked.
- Maya!
She had her first orgasm.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
it was a night to remember.
Ooh, sorry Mort.
Mort, how are ya?
- It's good to see you.
- Yeah.
Just like sisters.
Yeah, like a good
sister fucks her sister.
What the hell?
So, are you
in the arts, as well?
Oh no, absolutely not.
I'm going to law school.
Oh, you're the one
going to law school.
As opp..., what do you know me?
Danielle hasn't told us
what her post-grad plan is.
Yeah I did, I said I
have interviews lined up.
And some
other babysitting gigs?
Or maybe you'd just be
sticking with the one?
No, Danielle doesn't
need to work
because her parents
pay for everything
while she does her
like art thing.
You must be really in love
with this kid
if you don't need
to be getting paid.
I'm sorry, how do you
guys know each other?
- Oh, we met in temple.
- We met at shul, yeah.
- You never go to temple.
- I go sometimes.
So now you're just like
a deeply religious person?
You can go without
being super religious.
- You can be regular...
- Maya.
...religious and go.
Oh, okay.
Bye, nice to meet you.
You're full of surprises today.
So are we good?
Why wouldn't we be?
So, have you seen
the new rabbi?
If Robert De Niro and Gene
Kelly had a Jewish baby.
Cute, so cute.
For you cute
or for Danny cute?
For all of us cute.
Cute is cute.
But I want someone
good for Danny.
Well, of course.
And I'm trying to
find someone, it's just.
- Hey.
- You're back.
- Aw, so pretty.
- Hi, sweetie.
So, are you
seeing anyone?
No one we
wanna discuss right now.
I thought you'd be swatting
the boys away like flies.
Well I wish she would swat
them away a little harder.
Uh, I swat.
Don't listen to your mother.
Have fun, enjoy, enjoy
this little, little body.
I want her to enjoy
her little, little body,
but get a vibrator,
don't get a relationship.
It's not the same.
I just want her
to finish her finals
and meet someone after that.
Of course, yeah.
That's true, it's true.
Listen to your mother
and don't marry anyone
'til you've slept with like
what? At least 10 people.
Because you're gonna
end up with one
and you'll be wiping
his arthritic ass
for the rest of your life.
You know
who I ran into recently
whose son would be
perfect for her?
Who did I run into?
Danny, you know
that guy, tell her.
Tell her.
No, Mom, I don't want to.
I have to go to the bathroom.
- Oh.
- You tell her.
I'm worried about her.
- What are you worried about?
- I don't know.
She's acting a little strange.
- She is? A little different?
- Yeah, just off.
- Yeah, a little.
- Like distracted?
- Like distracted.
- Distracted, but distracted.
- It's treatable.
- Very distracted.
- It's not a disease.
- That's true.
Just a second.
Sorry about that.
Oh, what a day.
Did you guys get enough to eat?
How are you doing?
You know,
it's just weird.
Hey, Danny, sweetie.
Are you okay?
Yeah, can we go
like now please?
Yeah, if you can drag your
father away from everybody.
Okay, I'll do that.
- Sweetie.
- What?
Thank you for coming.
Yeah, well you asked me
to be here, so whatever.
I know, and I know it's not
something that you like to do.
And, obviously, and I
just want you to know
that I appreciate it, okay?
You're welcome.
You are such a good kid.
You are.
How did I raise get
such a good girl?
Are you on drugs?
- No.
- Oh, I'm just kidding.
No really,
you are such a good girl.
I love you.
I love you too, Mom.
Oh my God.
Wait a sec,
I haven't had a chance
to catch up with you yet.
How are you?
Where did you go, Danielle?
Where did you go?
You're skin and
- Yeah.
- What are you up to?
Besides starving yourself
to death?
You have a boyfriend?
- No.
- Ah, really?
I don't believe you.
I have nothing serious.
So you just study
and don't eat
and go out with your
beautiful friends, is that it?
Is that your life?
Yeah, I guess that's my life.
Well, lucky you.
Can you, um, excuse me?
I haven't eaten yet,
I have to go...
unstarve myself.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
- Danielle.
- Yeah.
- Um, I'm just gonna go.
- Oh, there you are.
Um, I'm just gonna go.
Are you okay?
I'm like.
What, what is it?
It's literally nothing, okay?
Well you're laughing, so
what's so fucking funny?
Nothing's fucking funny.
Nothing's funny.
I miss you, okay?
And I was like
excited to see you.
Great, whatever,
it's what a fuck.
I'll fuck off.
Okay, I miss you too.
That's awesome.
Cool, cool.
Great, awesome.
Well, I wouldn't know because
you literally never text me.
That is simply not true,
I text you all the time.
I didn't even know
you were coming today.
Well you don't text
me either, so I.
I replied
to your fucking story
and you just like saw it.
You do not reply
to a reply, okay?
Well, you should.
That's psychotic behavior,
but that makes sense for you.
Why don't you fucking reach out?
I just told you that I did.
I told you that I reached out.
Okay, why didn't you
just call me like an adult?
Nobody calls, so.
Well, grow up.
Be different than other people.
Okay, cool.
I'll see you later.
- Look, she's eating.
- Oh look, she's eating!
You can go ahead.
Uh huh.
It was Lucy's graduation
present from me.
Aw, that's so sweet.
That's really nice. Can I see?
Oh, you guys are
at the Holocaust Museum.
You look so...
I'm just wondering.
Uh huh.
How old is she?
- Oh, she's 18 months.
- Mm hm.
You two know each other
because of your parents?
We met at shul.
Yeah, shul.
Or did we?
I can't remember.
And this is us in
Israel at Mason's bar mitzvah.
I mean Israel, Palestine,
whatever they're calling it now
I don't know.
- That's a nice photo.
- You think?
- I love it.
- Danielle.
Danielle, listen,
can you call my phone?
I lost it,
I can't find it anywhere.
Yeah, sure.
Shit, I don't have my phone.
Great, nevermind
I'll ask your mother.
SUGAR APP: BigDaddy481
You have
a fakakta memory.
You keep losing everything.
So, maybe
I do have dementia.
Yeah, you've had
dementia since our wedding day.
Anybody can forget
a ring, you know.
It's not such a big deal.
You know what,
look for your own phone.
It's probably by the desserts.
Thank you.
Have you seen my phone?
Shoot, I'm looking
'cause I'm...
I'm trying to find it
because I need it right now.
Why do you need it right now?
I just like told someone
that I met here
that I would send
them my resume.
Oh, feels like you have
so many job prospects.
I'm sure you can find
more here, y'know?
so you haven't seen it or?
I don't know,
I might have seen it,
like in the kitchen
or in the bathroom.
But y'know, it was unlocked.
So you might wanna find it
before like somebody else does.
Oh Danielle, I need your
help. I'm running out of lox.
- One second. Maya...
- Get the fuck off me.
Please don't tell anyone.
Danielle, I love your parents.
I just wouldn't
want them to know
their daughter's
a fuckin' whore.
Danielle, the
lox is in the kitchen.
Excuse me, I'm sorry.
Jerry clogged the toilet again
and the place smells like shit.
where you running off to?
Look at this baby, so adorable.
Sleeping like a baby.
Tears of gold, this baby cries.
Listen, sweetie, you
don't have to worry.
I found my phone,
you don't have to think
about looking for it.
She was never
worried about your phone.
How long have
you guys been together?
Almost five years.
Mm hm.
And how did you meet?
Mm hm.
You're very curious,
aren't you?
I'm just wondering how
female entrepreneurs do it all.
Well, they need
a great support system.
Right, you need a
husband who's supportive
of young female entrepreneurs.
I'm surprised you're able
to work from home, y'know?
Where do you live again?
I mean we've always
had the Soho apartment.
Because how could
we let go of that,
it's just the best location.
But a few months ago, we
got the house out here.
Just seemed like
the logical next step,
especially if we're
gonna have another kid.
Another wonderful baby.
I wish I could have
my own bachelor pad
where I could do whatever
the fuck I wanted.
- Hey.
- What?
What are you doing?
She's just teasing,
she's got such a crazy
sense of humor sometimes.
Are you drunk?
Do you have a boyfriend
or girlfriend?
- Well, girlfriend.
- No girlfriends.
- Please.
- Experimented, but.
No, no.
It's just so hard
in my generation
because there's just
weird unconventional ways
of meeting people.
Sure, sure.
Like in apps
and stuff like that.
Oh darling, what are you so?
Of course you're gonna
find somebody soon.
Listen, Jdate has been
fantastic for me.
Have you tried JSwipe?
A little bit of lipstick,
a little bit of lipstick.
Oh, I always tell her
that about the lipstick.
You know what,
I'm absolutely convinced it's
gonna be much much easier now.
She had kind of an extended
awkward phase, you know?
She had the braces and
she was kinda chubby
for quite a while.
- No.
- A little chubby.
Oh, you were so cute.
There was this boy,
she had a thing for him
forever, for the longest time.
His name was Michael, right?
And she asked him to the
dance, and I guess he said no.
Then like everybody at
school knew and saw.
And I picked her up,
it was so sweet,
the whole ride home,
there were these
little tears coming down.
I felt bad, but y'know,
like she's my baby,
but everybody goes through it.
- It'll happen to your girl.
- Such a cutie.
Remember the song
we used to sing her?
Of course.
- Baby shake.
- Baby shake
When she was Rose's age,
we used to sing the baby
shake song whenever she cried.
That's what we should
have been doing with Rose.
- Let's make a baby shake
- Stop
- Let's make a baby shake
- Please stop, Mom.
- Let's make a baby shake
- Mom.
- Can you let go?
- No, never.
Everybody let go.
Stop, stop, stop, stop!
- Whoa.
- Let go.
Danny, just take it easy.
Everything's okay, it's okay.
Yeah, just go go go go.
I'm gonna talk to her.
I know you don't
believe in me,
I know that you think that
I'm not gonna do anything
and you think that
I'm a little baby.
I don't think that
you're a little baby.
Oh my God.
Thank you
very much for joining me
and the Feldmans in
their time of mourning.
If you would please join me in
reciting the mourner's kaddish.
Thank you very much.
Hey hey hey hey hey.
Stop, stop, stop.
You know, I think,
I think it would be best
if we ended this.
Sure, yeah.
We probably should
before your wife
runs out of money.
Is there a second bathroom?
Someone is taking
forever in this one.
Um, I think
there's one upstairs.
You gotta speak up.
There's another
bathroom upstairs.
Forget it,
I'll wait til I'm home.
Excuse me.
I think we should
get going soon.
Dad, can we go please?
Yeah, sure we can.
Just go ask your mother.
Mom, can we go now?
Sweetie, I'm talking
to the rabbi.
Don't be rude.
But yes, we can go.
You wanna take these books back
and we'll get going soon,
don't worry.
Hey, Danielle.
Is this yours?
I found it in the bathroom.
Thanks, thank you.
Can I borrow you for a second?
She's really hungry and I
need an extra pair of hands.
Can you hold her?
You really want me to?
I just need you to
hold her for a second,
I've got some stuff in the bag.
And it'd be very helpful.
Um, I shouldn't, y'know?
You're a babysitter, right?
Uh, we're gonna go in a sec.
Your parents are still here.
You're leaving with them,
aren't you?
I really only work with
like eight year olds.
Well it's not brain surgery.
Just hold her.
It's fine, you'll be fine.
- Let me, let me take her.
- It's okay.
Can you call a car?
Yeah, I can do that.
Honestly, can you call a car?
Yeah, but I can do both.
- I just need the...
- It's fine, she's fine.
Just call the car first.
I can do both.
I'd like you
to call the car.
She's a babysitter, remember?
- Yeah, I do remember.
- What is the matter with you?
Give her back!
That's 40 years of fasting.
That's more like 200.
No no no, you don't
have to worry about that.
Can we get a broom, please?
Danielle, stop.
I'm sorry.
What are you doing?
Danny, stop.
Come on.
What are you doing?
What's goin' on, sweetie?
Bubala, bubala, talk to me.
I can't.
Talk to me, talk to me.
You can't what?
I can't.
- I can't.
- You can't what, Danielle?
What, honey?
I don't know.
Oh baby, you don't
need to know
what you're doing right now.
- No, I don't know.
- You don't need to know.
I don't know
what I'm gonna do.
Everything's gonna be fine.
You're gonna get a great job,
you're gonna meet a great man,
you're gonna fall in love.
you're gonna figure it out.
Listen, worst case scenario,
you can move back
in with Daddy and me.
Everybody, looky-loos.
Are you okay?
Just too pushy, isn't she?
What is wrong with you?
Thank you, Maya.
You know what?
I'm gonna go get Daddy,
have him bring the car
around for us, okay?
You just get outta here by going
and helping Mrs. Bronstein.
Yeah, and I can help too.
Thank you. Thank you, Maya.
All right, you wanna gonna go?
Don't you worry
about anybody here.
They all love you.
It's a sad day, y'know?
It's a sad day, lot of sadness.
Everybody feels it.
Mrs. Bronstein,
which one is your car?
You'll see in a minute.
Can I ask you something?
Why do you do it?
- I'm not judging or anything.
- I mean, you clearly are.
No I'm not,
I just don't know anything
- about it, so.
- I wanted money
and it was easy.
Was it?
Yeah, sometimes.
Felt nice to like have
power and be appreciated.
If you could just put
those in the front seat, hm?
Do you need help?
Oh no, thanks girls.
Do you want me
to pull out for you?
You drive a car?
Yeah, I think
I'm a pretty good driver.
Oh, thank you, no.
All right, be safe.
Wait, doesn't she
have an expired license?
Yeah, they took it away.
She's not supposed to.
Hey, I'm really sorry.
It's fine.
I just never thought
about it that way.
No, get in, Maureen.
You coming?
I'm literally
walking towards you, Dad.
Sweetie, get over here
before somebody sees the car.
Where were you?
I was looking all over.
We were helping Mrs.
Bronstein to her car, Mom.
Because you're supposed to
help fuckin' old people,
I don't know.
Don't you dare
use that language
or that tone with me,
young lady.
Katherine, Maya,
you guys need a ride?
No, that's okay.
We'll get a car.
- Oh good.
- Come on, we got an open van.
It's fine, Mom, they
live two seconds from us.
Make sure you
get one with a car seat.
it's finding nearby drivers.
Of course, Jesus Christ.
Hey, aren't we
giving you two a lift?
Uh, three.
- No.
- Oh no, it's.
No, it's okay, we're getting
a car, so. But thank you.
Come on, I got the Uber
that's Uber-all-this, let's go.
Joel, they got a car.
We got Maureen.
And he's right around
the corner, he's at...
My phone just died.
Okay. We'll use my phone.
- Well, where is it?
- Just look, it's somewhere in here.
- Okay, that's very specific.
- It's somewhere in there.
Honestly, you guys have so
many people between all of you
and we would have to strap her
in and all of those things.
When we were all her
age, there was no straps,
there was no carriers.
Everybody all survived.
Come with us.
Oh, for the love God.
I'm getting in the car.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Youngest in first. You
guys to the backy back.
- Seriously?
- Come on.
Wait, sorry, you gotta lift
up the middle seat. I forgot.
All right.
You have to pull the lever.
I'm literally
pulling the lever.
- Do you want me to do it?
- No, I got it.
Come on, Maya, you
gotta use some muscle, y'know?
- You got it?
- Yeah.
Okay, who's next?
Kim, Max?
- You go first.
- Okay.
Katherine, you think you can
fit in on that same seat?
Here we are.
Thank you.
Scoot over.
Okay, last one is Maureen.
Oh no.
Shit, I think I might
have overbooked us.
No shit.
we can honestly get out.
Yeah, we can just get a
car. It's not a big deal.
No no no no, listen.
Maureen, you get there
in the backy back.
And then Maya and Danielle,
can you guys squeeze
together into one seat?
I mean,
you're pretty small, right?
Really, Joel,
we could take a car.
No no no, this is
gonna work. Believe me.
I promise you no man left
behind, or woman, sorry.
You okay back there, Maureen?
You got a lot of
stuff back here, Joel.
Hi, girls.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Got your legs around?
Everybody hands safe?
- I know, I know.
- All in.
Off like a herd of turtles.
- What the?
- No, it's okay.
It's okay.
All right.
Hi, baby.
You wanna play
peek a book? Peek a boo.
Don't cry.
All set? Seatbelts on?
All right, first stop
will be Maureen.
Oh, thank you.
Oh shit.
Oh no.
You don't
have your phone, again?
I got it.
What? Let's go, let's go Joel.
just finding my keys.
Here we are, okay.
Everyone ready?
I'm gonna kill you
when we get home.