Short Circuit (1986) Movie Script

Enemy neutralized, ladies and gentlemen.
Objective completed.
- Very nice.
- Yes, very nice.
Introducing your host, Dr Howard Marner.
President of Nova Robotics
Well, ladies and gentlemen
I want you to meet strategic artificially
intelligent nuclear transport
Or SAINT, as we call it.
If a question of survival,
then SAINT is the answer
It is quite simply, the most
sophisticated robot on planet Earth.
Adaptable to steaming jungle and burning
deserts and frozen arctic wastes
Well, of course it's adaptable
because it's a robot.
Therefore, impervious to...
- the ravages of nature.
- Crush ice.
Glass. Ice.
A squeeze of lime.
- Your cocktail, Dr. Marner.
- Thank you, Number 2.
Just the way I like it...
shaken, but not stirred.
Oh my...
One thing we can't control is the weather. The
man upstairs is still in charge of that department.
So, why don't we just move our
little presentation back into the lab?
- Oh, and one more thing Dr. Marner.
- Yes, Senator Mills.
Where's the young man
that actually designed these things?
- Dr. Crosby?
- Yes.
We were told we would be meeting with him.
And so you shall.
- When?
- Soon.
Maybe not today, but soon.
- Why not today?
- Flu.
I'd feel happier about approving this
project if I could speak with him.
I'll see what I can do.
Would you excuse me for just...
I'll be back in just a second.
Norman, bolt up the motion control system please.
Don't forget that. It's very important.
Where is he?
I need him.
Excuse me sir.
Crosby... he is hiding in the toilet, sir.
Public relations is everybody's job.
Well he is sitting at the cross
they are making him dog sick, sir.
Look. He's supposed to be here.
I want him here. I pay him to be here.
Well, the last time I am seeing him,
he is busy vomiting, sir.
Well, clean him up and
send him out to hob nob.
Newton, come on, hurry up.
They are waiting for you.
Newton Crosby. You must make
instantaneous appearance.
Marner says "Stat".
You have to go
hob nob with the big wigs.
Is that a yes or the number
of your intelligence quotient?
Ben, I don't hob nob.
If you you like all that P.R. crap,
why don't you go hob nob.
Mingle with the brass. Have a ball.
I am sick of wearing
the dress in this family.
Crosby, now don't you hang up on me. I know
you're there. I want you up here right away!
Come on Newton! Swallow
your guts. You can do it.
Show them that you're a hot shot
fun guy underneath your clothes.
Now, what do they need me for?
To tell them each robot costs
Ben, a child of four can tell them that.
That is why they are needing you.
- Now come on. Hurry up!
- Just one dance.
Now, I have to go to the jack.
So you wait for me.
The "john."
Oh, ya, you're doing real good.
- Just keep working on those last two bars.
- Let us go!
Coming through, please.
Wine coolers. Perier, Long Island ice tea.
Please take a drink.
...he's putting on a tie.
He's going to tell you about
these peace time uses.
It's got plenty of peace time uses.
You mean besides serving gin and tonic?
The only way to secure the peace,
Senator, and I'm sure you know...
is be prepared. See...
We can parachute these robot guys
behind enemy lines.
They hide out till
the first strike blows over.
Then, each one of these little boogers
carries a 25 megaton bomb
right up the middle main street of Moscow.
Like the mail man bringing bad news.
We call it "Operation Gotcha Last".
- That's what you call insuring peace.
- Oh, ya...
We're all thinking the same way. Would you
like to see our control center, Senator?
Hey, Norman. You better get
number 5 off that generator, man.
OK, OK, I'll get to it.
Run, Jim!
Jesus H God!
What the hell happened?
I don't know.
Oh my God! It's fried.
Oh! We're in deep shit now, man.
I hope got a few million bucks.
Because that's what they're going
to charge us if this think is fried.
- Everything checks out.
- What?
It's amazing.
Takes a licking and keeps on ticking.
OK, robots. Verbal command. Access
code 29 report to disarming section.
Get out of here, you little crap bucket!
Go on!
It's the ultimate soldier.
Obeys orders, never asks questions.
Originally, I had non-military
purposes in mind.
I designed it as a marital aid.
Very funny.
I'm sure we'll all agree that
Dr. Crosby has designed a weapon...
that will keep our world safe
for all time.
Howard, what's so safe
about blowing people up?
Coffee service coming through.
Please watch your step.
Hot coffee.
Coffee service coming through.
Please watch your step.
Please serve yourselves.
Have a canopy. Shrimp toast. Caviar.
Pate, salmon moose, Cheese Whiz...
Ladies and gentlemen,
our prototypes are here.
I've only counted 4,
so tell me I've miscounted.
- Gag me with a fork, sir.
- What?
Number 5 left the debriefing station
and then it just disappeared.
Oh, God, not today!
- Alright, call security.
- I did, sir, stat.
Good, you did, great.
Just stay calm!
- How're you doing?
- Running late as usual.
I knew it. God damned garbage cans!
Garbage cans with guns.
Newfangled bullshit!
- Have you got anything stronger?
- I got trouble which I don't need.
Because my wife is home cooking a steak
which is going to be dried out when I get there.
I think we got it.
What is that right there?
- Coffee machine.
- You're right, that's what it is.
- It's a coffee machine.
- That's very good, Howard.
Now it is time to freeze this place,
seal the doors, slam the gates shut.
All right, good enough.
OK, here you go.
Main gate. Captain.
- Where did you disappear to?
- I was hob nobbing.
OK, OK come on over here quick.
Come on. Come on, quick.
The guys downstairs say that number
He should have shut down.
Did you try the return code?
Ya, no response.
This is very strange, he won't talk to me.
- You sure number 5 is operational?
- Ya, as far as I know.
- Check the list polling system.
- OK.
Let's try the emergency override.
This is bullshit. Just let me go get it.
Access code, 42721.
Access gained, number 5 standing by.
With that ease,
you've gotten him on your terminal.
You're just a fine kid.
Report your position.
Malfunction, need input.
What the hell's a need input for?
I don't know,
I guess it can't triangulate his position.
That's a simple function.
Do you know how to triangulate
your position, Howard?
- No.
- Well, then, there you go.
I'm glad you think
this is all such a joke, Crosby.
Don't worry, Skroeder,
you're not going to miss a meal.
Just shut it down, pick it up.
Unable, malfunction.
How can it refuse to turn itself off?
Maybe it's pissed off.
It's a machine, Skroeder,
it doesn't get pissed off...
it doesn't get happy, it doesn't get sad,
it doesn't laugh at your jokes.
- It just runs programming.
- Usually runs programs.
Anybody try the homing device yet?
- No.
- Oh, come on you guys, use your heads!
It's probably right down the hall and...
Ah... Here it comes...
Here it comes...
Good lord!
It is outside the fence!
Oh, and that is not
the worst of it, Dr. Marner.
Don't tell me its laser is still armed.
Crosby, what's he going to do?
Howard, it's hard to say.
It's malfunctioning.
It might not do anything.
But it could decide to blow away
anything that moves. Couldn't it?
Couldn't it, Crosby?
Oh, my God. It's not coming back.
We've got to destroy it.
No. Howard, you're
overreacting. You can't...
Look, let us at least try to catch it first.
Ya, we'll panic later, OK?
What if you don't catch it. What if it goes
out and melts down a bus load of nuns...
How would you like to
write the headline on that one?
- Nun soup?
- Ben!
- Howard.
- What?
OK, it's malfunctioning. Think about it.
- What about function?
- Alright, look...
Why don't you get your
team together and Skroeder,
Duke, Otis!
- And detain number 5 the best you can...
- Alright, Howard.
- and still avoid an incident.
- I'm already moving.
And Skroeder,
You understand
you don't have to blow it up.
You don't have to blow it up, Skroeder.
Just try and bring it back in one piece.
- One piece will do.
Whatever it takes to put that stupid
contraption out of commission, gentlemen,
- that's what you do.
- Yes sir.
Give inertial status...
Let's scramble one, maybe it'll listen
to what comes with a decoder.
What is this?
Running diagnostics.
Testing its logic circuits.
Let's just bounce on off its magnesium
casing. What do you think, I don't know.
What is this? Input, Input, Input...
Come on...
Let's boot it up.
See if you can boot it.
Return to D-Station...
Come on. Now!
Wouldn't you like to be a Pepper too?
Wouldn't you like to be a Pepper too?
What is going on?
I don't know,
must be the print scanner...
- it must be reading it some place.
- I'm not understanding the reference
Need input.
- Did you see something?
- Oh God... I hope not.
- Well, I saw something.
- Ya, me too.
Oh shit!
It's right outside.
- Captain Skroeder, Captain Skroeder
This is Bravo 4, over.
Skroeder, what have you got, over.
He's right in front of us, sir, we're
on the bridge out on 101, over.
We're on our way.
Loose it and you're dead meat.
- It's going berserk.
- Ben, how'd this happen?
Who is knowing how to read
the mind of a robot?
I am not cut out for this!
You did this, Crosby...
- Howard!
- so you wouldn't have to talk to those people.
Just calm down.
Excuse me, sir, but we're loosing
its signal. It's going out of range.
We're going to have to follow it now.
Can I get a vehicle? Can I get...
- Howard, is there a van or anything like that?
- Of course there's a van!
Thanks for calling me, Mrs. Cepeda,
where's that son of a bitch?
He's around the bend and up
to no good, you better believe it.
Get the hell down here, Beasley!
- Hey!
- What are you doing home?
This is my home! It's not
your home. I live here.
What are you doing with Beasley?
Uh... well, darn it, you know
he looked kind of sick to me so I thought...
I'd just take him down to the vet
and fix him up a bit.
He doesn't look sick, you look sick.
What did you come back
here for anyway?
Well, to tell you the truth, I thought that
maybe we could patch things up.
Sort of pick up where we left off.
You know you want me back.
What is this?
Quinn's Medical Research? You slime bag!
The dog is on its last legs.
That's very funny. Why don't
you get the hell out of here!
You know what I figure?
I figure you owe me some money.
- So I'm just here to collect.
- I owe you?
- That's right.
- I supported you.
That was my money you used
to buy your big red dorkmobile!
No! Damn it!
Hey! Hey!
- Do not do that car!
- Get away from me!
Alright. If this is your idea of playing
hard to get, you can knock it off now.
You mutation!
- God damn it! Don't ever call me that!
- You don't even know what it means!
Ya, well, I can find out!
Hey! You! You leave her alone!
- Oh, God!
- Oh honey!
- Are you OK, honey?
- Ya.
- Are you sure?
- Ya, I'm fine.
And I thought he
was going to be a nice one.
- Different from the other ones.
- Ya right!
- Well, he sure was better looking.
- Well, looks aren't everything.
I know that.
Every time I look at Mr. Cepeda.
Honey, listen,
I hate to tell you this but a...
the man from the city...
he was snooping around again.
I told them all this was temporary.
It's just until I can find homes for them.
Well, he says that four years
is not too temporary.
He was going to call the sheriff on you.
Oh, great!
Maybe the sheriff would like a pet?
Beasley. Beasley come to me, baby.
Good Beasley!
Beasley, come here.
Did he scare you?
Did he scare you, honey?
I'm sorry.
I feel like I've been cooped up
inside this lab forever.
Well, it's an opportunity
to spread your legs.
Good to smell the breezes, hum?
Has it changed much out there?
Oh, yes, you can say that two times.
Hey! Hey! Come on you guys!
Come on, get points!
Skroeder's coming up empty!
We're on our way, Howard,
to the great outdoors.
Newton, you know what is out there
in the great outdoors?
Girls. Ummm.
With brassieres and legs.
You have the working knowledge the girl?
No, but I read about them.
Well then... maybe I can furnish you
with some schematic drawings.
All right.
Hey! Who told you could
take Number One?
Howard, logically, if we need
protection from Number Five...
this is the best weapon
we could have.
Great, great!
So, instead of $11 million on the loose...
we're going to have
And plus, we are needing
gas money.
I'm sorry.
I just...
I have to draw the line
at snakes.
Ya, I'm sure it would make
a wonderful pet, but...
wait, isn't there a home
for cobras somewhere?
Can you hang on
for a second?
Can I call you right back?
Hey! Get out of there!
Mr. Scumo!
I know you're in there.
Get out! Get out!
I'll call the cops.
Are you deaf?
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! I knew they'd
pick me. I just knew it.
Well, I guess...
welcome to my planet.
Oh boy! Is this thrilling or what?
Don't be scared.
I'm a friend.
Do you know
the word "friend"?
Because that's what I am.
I'm a friend.
So, here I come.
Nice and extremely friendly.
It's me.
So, this is earth.
I'm Stephanie.
No offense, but...
is that really you or is that
like a space suit...
and you're inside some place,
maybe just your brain...
in a little jar
or something like that?
- Malfunction.
- You can talk!
Need input.
That's information.
Listen, I am full of it.
Why don't you come to my house
and we can sit down and talk...
get to know each other.
Communicate. Input.
Come on.
It's okay.
No, no.
I mean come with me.
Come here. This way.
Come here.
Come on. Right this way.
March! Heel! Giddy up!
- Forward!
- Forward!
Forward, forward.
Come forward.
That's good.
That's really good.
Don't be afraid, guys.
He's a friend.
These are animals.
They're lower life forms.
They're always a little skittish
around new people, aliens. Whatever.
Malfunction. Need input.
All right, right. You got it, OK.
This is a house.
We live within it, inside it.
- We have a floor, see...
- Floor.
And we have the opposite
of a floor...
which is the ceiling.
Look up!
We have windows and...
air! Look over here.
And... look at this.
This is a plant.
And these are goldfish.
Don't touch.
And look over there.
See, these are ants.
They're not aunts,
they're ants.
It's an ant farm.
Look! These are my bunnies.
Edwina and Norman.
I bet you got some amazing
animals in your planet.
Good, there you go.
This is Earth, where
we are now.
You are here.
- Oregon.
- Oregon.
Home of the beaver,
famous for cherries.
Cherries. Input.
I'm giving you
great input.
More input.
More input.
How about pictures?
Do you like pictures?
We have a lot
of pictures here.
A lot of them.
This is a picture
of an aardvark.
See that? It's an aardvark.
- It's a mammal.
- Input. Aardvark.
- Abyssinia, Adams...
- Holy Crowl. You can read.
- More input.
- Okay, no problem.
Volume two.
No problem.
- My neck.
- Sorry.
This is very healthful
for the neck.
Can you believe it's been
I'd say ten.
It's all coming
back to me, though.
You know what many people
are liking at night?
- What?
- Headlights.
- It's a lot better. Thanks.
- Definitely, ya
More input, Stephanie.
- More!
- There isn't anymore.
You've read everything
in the house.
Mammal, skunk.
That's a container
drinking glass.
Pasta, semolina,
Food, liquid,
spaghetti sauce.
Look, this may be hilarious
where you come from...
but on this planet it's considered rude.
Plants, fruits, oranges...
apples, lemons, limes.
That's great.
Thanks a lot.
No, my dishes!
Oh, my God!
Breakfast table.
American contemporary.
Oh! My China!
- Numerous fragments.
- Ok, fine...
Some large, some small.
Take a look at this.
Look at that.
Welcome aboard.
- See that?
- Input.
Input, input.
Ok, here. You hold this.
That's very good.
And stay.
At Alaskan Airlines...
our people go out of their way
just to show you they're human.
With your permission...
I know no one's gonna
believe me...
and I'd like them to know
I'm not crazy, so look up!
This is a barrel of monkeys.
Let us scrape up
some female chicks.
Don't we have to find
a robot?
Pardon me for saying so,
but you're becoming a drag strip.
Girls are not my best suits.
Besides, we got a job to do.
As we're fond of saying
in my country...
"marketplace make dull
home for rodents."
- Where are you from, anyway?
- Bakersfield, originally.
- No, I mean your ancestors.
- Oh, them.
It's the Colgate pump
with MFP fluoride.
The Maximum
Fluoride Protection.
It's a lie.
I didn't do it.
I wouldn't try anything
on you, Tony. We're pals.
Sure we're pals.
No, I didn't do it.
You got me wrong.
I brought you out here.
I work with you.
You're the last guy in the world
I'd try to cross, you know that.
You wouldn't do anything to me.
Give me a chance.
You can have anything I got.
Have you been watching
all night?
Come on.
Don't get up.
I can take care of this.
Haven't you had enough
of this stuff?
You lose IQ points the longer you
watch. There've been actual studies.
Look, you're going to become
the 1st alien couch potato...
and I'm not kidding.
Give me that. Give me that thing. eating Thomases
English Muffin...
- Have a heart!
- "Have a heart"...
"Don't cry, little girl",
"Smile your tears away"...
and dozens of other hits all
in this big two-record set.
Call now! Our operators
are standing by.
Are you tired
of bill piling up?
Simplify your life with
Accountant in a Can.
And if you act now,
we'll send along...
You didn't come a million miles
to do TV commercials, did you?
- Duracell...
- Of course you didn't.
Come on. There's something
I wanna show you outside.
Bird. Raven.
Never more.
Now look.
No, no. There.
- Light bulb.
- No. Sun.
No sun.
- Beautiful sun.
- Beautiful.
Rhinoceros, turtle...
You mean with that fat little
body, you can see those things.
Beautiful animal.
Mammal, canine, dog.
- Beasley.
- Beasley.
Beasley, stop it!
Beasley, down!
What are you doing?
Stop it!
Look out!
My God! What happened?
Are you all right?
Please, don't be hurt.
Are you okay?
Say something.
Beautiful Stephanie.
"S A I N T Prototype
number five...
Nova Robotics. Damon,
Washington". You're a robot?
- Yes.
- I thought you were alive number 5.
I let you tear my house
to shreds and you're a robot!
You're a machine from that dumb
war lab place. I'm so stupid.
Stupid: Foolish, gullible,
- dumbbell.
- Shut up!
Shut up: Silence, hush,
sit on it, can it.
Am I the jerk of the world?
You're just programmed.
Jerk of the world, turkey,
idiot, pain in the ass.
I hope you're programmed
to pay for the mess you made.
What if there's a reward
out for that thing?
I could take care of as many
animals as I want.
I'd like to speak to one of your
head Warmongers, please.
Dr. Warmonger, Marner.
I think this may be something.
- Hello.
- Hello.
I'd like you to know
I have one of your robots.
thank you very much
for calling.
Our people are
on their way.
Mount up!
We've got it!
Move! Move! Move!
Today, gentleman, today!
Let's go!
We gotta run away!
Let's go, let's go.
In the meantime,
it's very important...
that you try to keep
a safe distance.
How safe a distance?
Well, see, it's malfunctioning.
We have to disassemble
it and check it out.
It's goofy little gadget.
Try to keep everyone as far away
from it as possible, okay?
Not that it's dangerous
or anything like that.
How much is a contraption
like that worth, anyway?
Worth? I don' know.
A few hundred dollars maybe.
No reward or anything
like that for finding it, is there?
Well, we do have a daily tour
of our facilities here.
You know, I might even be able
to get you a student discount.
- Hey! It's gone!
- Gone?
Wooly mammals.
Sweaters, mittens.
Never mind, I see it. Go back
to your nuclear warheads.
Hey, you, Number Five,
What are you doing?
You're gonna scare
my animals, bozo.
Listen, I just called Nova and
they are coming out to get you.
- They'll give you a tune up.
- Tune-up? Input.
They'll take you apart,
find out which screw is loose.
Apart: Undone, dismantle,
dissect, disassemble.
- Look, it's a grasshopper.
- Grasshopper, Orthoptarous insect.
That's great.
All right, let's go back now.
Come on.
Damn it! You klutz!
Look what you did.
Grasshopper disassembled.
I can't reassemble him.
You squashed him, he's dead.
Dead as a doornail.
Reassemble, Stephanie.
I know you don't understand.
But when you're dead,
you're dead.
That's just the way it is.
Dead is forever.
Squash, dead.
Disassemble, dead!
Disassemble, dead!
Slow down.
- No disassemble.
- Where are you going?
- Please, escape.
- Oh, my God!
Hey, you!
Get out of my truck.
Hey! Hey! Let me in.
Let me in.
No! Don't.
You open this door
right now.
Get out of my truck,
you thief.
No, don't start my truck.
You don't know how to drive.
Come back here with my truck,
you big hunk of tin.
You can't take my truck.
You better be heavily insured
because you'll find yourself...
slapped with
a humongous lawsuit!
Newton, I'm seeing a blip
on my scope. Drive slowly.
Sorry, sorry.
Newton, there it goes.
It's moving at extreme velocipede.
Right of the line.
The right.
Accurate, proper,
correct, appropriate.
My side, over here.
- The right.
- Right.
The right.
Look out! Look out!
My kitchen!
Where she going? I thought
Howard told her to stay put.
Go figure out chicks, man.
Look out!
Oh great! Nice work,
can head.
- Thanks at lot.
- Sorry.
Oh, no. Stop it now!
- Turn left or we're going to crash!
- Left!
Turn! Turn!
- Fish!
- Look out!
Jeez, Number Five,
we're going to be killed.
- Disassemble.
- Disassemble all over the place.
Escape! Escape!
Flee! Hide! Refuge!
What are you afraid of?
What's the matter with you?
Nova Robotics.
Disassemble. Dead.
Disassemble Number Five. Dead.
But you can't die.
You're a machine.
- No.
- No, you're not a machine?
- Yes.
- Yes, you are or you're not?
- Yes.
- Yes, what?
Yes, not.
Talk about a malfunction.
Not malfunction, Stephanie.
Number Five is alive.
Just keep going straight.
Just keep going straight.
Ok, Ok, alright...
We're getting closer.
Ben, we're getting closer.
I can sense it,
I can sense it.
There they are! You see them?
They're right there.
Nova. Disassemble.
Dead. Disassemble number 5.
Girlie, girlie, come quick!
Girlie, danger! Come on!
No, no disassemble,
No disassemble,
Number Five.
Come on, you!
What planet is this guy from?
No, no disassemble.
Oh, number 5, don't be scared.
You just wait here a second.
I'll be right back.
Come on, Number one.
Come on. Very good.
Careful. Moving nicely.
Jeez, another one.
How many of these guys
have you got, anyway?
- You are a girl, right?
- Yes, as far as I know.
How you doing?
Your little brother's hiding
in my truck.
I have seen some
strange bizarre drivers...
but you may be
awarded the cake.
Me? Talk to your robot.
He did the driving.
Did you say the robot
drove the truck?
Yeah, that's right, chum.
That's exactly what I'm saying.
Oh, bull dyke, you cannot hold
your water with that story, girl.
Hey, I was there, okay?
You're sure you weren't doing any
steering or anything like that?
Yeah, I like to drive off cliffs.
- There's no way my robot could have driven.
- Are you calling me a liar?
No, but maybe you
have amnesia.
Newton! We are wasting
valueless time.
So what are these guys
used for, anyway?
- It's top-secret crap.
- That's what I figured.
Dr. Love, I'd like to get
my robot back.
He knows that,
but he's scared.
It's a machine.
It doesn't get scared.
It doesn't get happy.
It doesn't get sad.
- It just runs programs.
- How do you explain that?
You see?
He's scared that if you take him
apart he's going to die.
- Where'd you hear that?
- Number Five told me.
He'd tell you if you'd
just talk to him.
That's what I've been
trying to do for...
No, I mean with your mouth.
Okay, Ben,
this is the plan.
Number Five!
Number Five!
Come on out. It's okay.
- Is it cool?
- It's okay.
These guys aren't going
to hurt you. They're friends.
- No disassemble?
- No, no.
They just want
to talk to you.
Come forward.
Do you remember forward?
- Forward.
- That's it, come on.
I can't believe it.
It's listening to her, not to us.
I am standing here
beside myself.
Okay! Now.
You just tell them
what you told me.
Number Five
not just robot.
There it is! Move out!
Move! Move!
Move out!
Go! Go! Go!
Today, gentleman, today!
- Down, girlie!
- What, are you nuts?
Stop! Please.
I have clearance!
I have clearance!
Bend down!
You quit doing that!
You think I'm doing this for
my own self-gratification?
No, Don't! Stop!
They're killing him!
Hold your fire!
Damn it, stop!
Hold your fire!
Hold your fire!
Number Five alive!
Number Five,
I'm sorry.
You're paralyzing him.
I cut all his power. You can
load it on the truck now.
What the hell
is the matter with you...
you four-eyed idiot.
What an asshole.
I heard that.
Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
Where are you taking him?
Okay, I want you guys to...
He's not being a him.
It's only being wires and several
mechanisms and other such...
machine type apparatus...
for the Pete of sake.
The sake of Pete...
No, you have to turn
him back on.
He was talking before
like a real person.
Couldn't you see that?
Look, lady, all I could see was that
something mechanical...
is screwed up and
I'm going to fix it, okay?
Ok, fine! You fix it,
I plan to.
And it's Crosby.
Newton Crosby.
- Stephanie Speck.
- Nice meeting you.
Same here.
- Ben? Ben?
- Sir! Stat!
I want you to go with Number Five
and make sure they do not...
switch off the memory.
Do you understand what I'm saying?
- Absolutely, sir.
- Okay.
Bye-bye, goofy woman.
I enjoyed repeatedly throwing
you to the ground.
No mistake.
You can call me
if you want to.
Call you?
To let me know
if Number Five's okay.
Okay, maybe I will.
Well, don't do me
any favors, Jack.
So there we are.
We're right on top of
Mount St. Helen's...
- and we've got two flat tires.
- Two, that's bad.
Now Hazel's running around
the parking lot.
She's waving
her credit card...
It's life.
It's life.
That is very funny
American name, Hazel.
Well, It's sure not one you
can hear much anymore.
I never heard it
before I met her.
All except for witch hazel,
who I think she's named after.
- I thought it was a nut.
- That's an old name.
It's an old family name.
They were from
some place in Europe...
and there's always a Hazel in it.
In her family.
I guess there's always some
Hazel in Europe.
She's running around trying
to buy somebody's spare tire.
She's showing people her ID's
to prove the checks are good...
like a branch of our bank
where they could check.
She was even trying to swap some
souvenirs when she was gotten.
All of which were made from
the ashes of the volcano...
Did you get a piece of ash?
So, of course nobody's going to sell
her a spare tire...
after what we just told
them happened to us.
Especially the way
she was telling them.
And she was trying to convince
them I wasn't a bad driver...
which I'm not.
But, she was doing it by telling
them how thin the road is.
You know, and how curvy and
how many rocks there were...
and how big
and sharp they are.
And all the time I know
what these people are thinking.
They gotta drive down
the same road...
- Sir?
- Yes, sir?
Oh, my goodness gracious!
It can't shoot us with
that laser, can it?
I am not knowing.
- Would he kill me if I stopped?
- Who is to say?
Would he kill me
if I don't stop?
Again I am shrugging.
I'm stopping.
Good choice.
Number Five furious,
livid, perturbed.
Hold it right there.
Colt 45.
Semi automatic.
Play Doh.
What do we do now?
I don't know about you, but
I'm planning to scream and run.
Good answer.
What is he doing?
There it goes
Very good.
You earned that one.
Hi, honey!
What is for dinner?
Practice, Easy Three,
to third and fourth.
Lucky's seventh and
Pacer in the rear.
Now it's Double Trouble making
a move on the outside rail...
and Practice right behind.
Jimmy's Folly is calling...
That's the serpent and the devil...
same on him.
And the devil is the...
Ready, aim!
What happened?
I hope you took the grass
out of the glove compartment.
Anything wrong, officer?
There's gotta be a logical
explanation for all of this.
Maybe, if it was programmed
to think it was alive...
then it could act alive.
Maybe you've created another
Frankfurter's monster.
Do I look like the kind of a man
who can actually hear his...
Howard I think that something
incredible is going on.
What's going on is that we've
got a red alert on your hands?
No, it's not dangerous.
We just have to find
Number Five, get some answers.
There's only one answer.
All right, blast it off the
face of the earth, right?
Doctor... how many kids you got?
Well, let me tell you
something, Doctor.
I got three of them.
Three dandy little Schroeders.
And I want them to be adults,
not barbecued.
So don't you give me
any of your bullshit.
That having been said, I think
I've got to alert the media.
Now Schroeder's going to handle
this from now on...
and you stay
at your terminal.
Howard, this is ridiculous.
Think of it as
a full-scale field test.
Leave your terminal and
you're out of a job.
Howard, we are going to have
to put up some roadblocks...
and I'm going to
need some Hueys.
Some what?
Helicopters, Howard.
Jesus Christ!
- I thought they were choppers.
- Now they're called Hueys.
Well, why wasn't I notified?
Okay, this is the plan...
- Stephanie Speck.
- Yes.
We're from KJMB News.
Can you please tell us something
about the Nova robot?
- Were you scared?
- No, no.
Did he try to molest
you in any way?
No, he's not that kind
of a robot.
Do you know that there's a $25
thousand reward for anyone that turns it in?
No, I don't know anything
about it.
I don't know where he is.
Please, leave me alone.
Why didn't you go
to the police?
You know where it is.
For 25 thousand dollars I'm damn
well going to know where it is too.
Is that you, Frank?
I'm warning you,
I'm armed and dangerous.
Disguise, camouflage. Hi!
Number Five!
You got away?
You can't stay here!
They'll find you!
Changed color.
nice software.
You sure don't talk
like a machine.
Alive, Stephanie.
Number Five alive.
Yes, I know you think
you're alive...
but those guys who built
you say no way.
I don't know what
to think anymore.
I know it's not safe
for you here.
Go on.
Get out of here. Go on!
Solitude, isolation. Alone.
Number Five, come on!
Lonely bum.
Number five, please.
If I went to jail, who would
take care of my animals?
You sure wouldn't.
What are you doing?
"A can of soup.
A meal in itself."
All right, you can stay,
but just for tonight.
If they catch you
I don't know you.
You got it.
Okay, Ben, let's do it.
This is the very first vehicle
I've stolen in the US of A.
Me, too. It's kind of exciting,
Isn't it?
With excitement like this,
who is needing enemas?
Look Ben, we're doing
the right thing.
If they trash Number Five, we'll
never find out what happened.
Dr. Marner!
I knew you would try this.
You're not going
to make it, fellas.
There are soldiers out there
with bazooka's and choppers...
or whatever the hell
they call them now.
We've got to try anyway. You're
a scientist, you understand.
I'm a business man.
I'm not a scientist anymore.
Damn you, Howard.
chauffeured us in this situation.
Well, times have changed.
Because that was then
and this is now.
All right, now come on.
Let's get back upstairs.
What the heck, Newton.
Let us punch the sack.
Tomorrow is the next day.
No. I'm going.
Howard, shoot me
if you have to.
Don't think I won't.
Come on, Howard,
you know you're bluffing.
Lord Rama, Lord Rama.
Lord Rama,
Lord Rama, grant my wish.
All right, I'm bluffing.
Ok, thank you. Come on, Ben,
let's get out of here.
Right. Very good.
It doesn't matter anyway, the
doors are electronically sealed.
Don't be too sure.
Then you'll have
to drive over me.
That's the way
it's gotta be.
This is going to be
very messy.
This is how I get
the big bucks.
Oh, very good.
Oh! Hey, thanks.
Okay, turn off the TV.
- It's time for bed.
- No.
No, turn off the TV.
It's time for bed.
Come on Steph, lighten up.
Let's give it a whirl.
- Hey!
- Ya!
- Listen, you, it's three a.m.
- It's early.
I mean, don't you ever
get enough?
Wrestling, roller derby,
Jimmy Swaggert...
The Three Stooges.
Give it a rest, will ya?
Larry, Curly, Moe.
Hey, know what?
You're not a bad dancer.
Dancing fool.
- Big finish.
- Right.
And then I'm going to bed
and in the morning...
you have to find yourself
a new home.
This home.
Stephanie home.
Number Five home.
Oh, Number Five, you don't know
what you're saying.
Number Five know.
"More than a woman."
"More than a woman to me."
Oh, Number Five.
"More than a woman to me."
I'll croon
A little song
About the moon
And when I'm finished
With my crooning
On my knees I'll fall
My life, my love, my all
Okay, to make these
golden fluffy pancakes...
add flour, milk...
and eggs.
Mix thoroughly.
Still lumpy.
For crisp, yet moist
brown on one side,
then turn over.
This will be
some good slop.
Is something burning?
- Morning.
- Oh! Number Five!
- Good morning.
- Sleep well?
You're making me breakfast,
aren't you?
Pancakes surprise.
Oh, Number Five,
you're so sweet.
Oh, no.
It's the revenge
of the Mutations.
Listen, why don't you turn that
stove off and I'll be right back.
It'll get cold.
What are you
doing here, creep?
Oh, good morning.
I saw you on TV last night
on the news.
Yeah, I'm a real
big celebrity.
You know there's
a reward out for that robot?
Twenty-five thousand dollars.
No, I don't know
anything about it.
Why don't you get off
my property?
- Steph...
- Leave me alone.
- Where is it?
- It's not here.
- Get out or I'll call the cops.
- Stephanie, breakfast.
Pancakes, hash browns.
Twenty five thousand dollars.
Don't worry, we'll split it.
Twenty for me and five for you.
Listen, you gotta talk
computer to him.
Tell him exactly what
you're doing...
exactly where you're going, or
he's not going to move an inch.
Number Five, this is Frank.
How, Robot.
Me friend.
No, talk computer,
not Apache.
Fresh O.J.?
Not from concentrate.
Listen, what do you say
we jump in my car...
we'll take a ride.
I'll take you home.
Tell him where home is.
Home is Nova.
Nova! No!
No disassemble!
Number Five, run!
Come on, treads,
don't fail me now.
- Run, get away now!
- Get off me!
You tricked me,
you little bitch!
Does this mean I don't
get my five thousand dollars?
Forget it! Forget it!
He can go thirty miles an hour,
you big stupid jerk.
I'll show you, how
stupid I am.
- Guess who's going to help me catch it.
- No, I'd rather die first!
Where the hell is my car?
Piece of cake.
Oh, my God!
My car!
- Oh, way to go, Number Five.
- Uh-oh!
Oh, my God, no!
Number Five, look out!
"Say Pilgrim, that like to
parted my hair."
"If you wanna play rough,
I can sure oblige ya."
How can he do that?
you broke the unwritten law.
You ratted on your friends.
And when you do that, Frankie...
your enemies don't respect you...
you got no friends no more.
You got nobody Frankie."
Pretty good, huh?
Look out!
How about that,
a goddamn robot?
Stephanie, get off me!
Stephanie, that's it.
Not disassemble Stephanie.
I'm calling Nova, and I'm
calling the cops.
And as for you, you
little pain-in-the-neck...
you better not come crawling
back to me, because now it's over!
Okay, come on.
They're gonna be after you.
We gotta get out here, now.
So now I am having no job
to speak about.
I will have to smack
the sidewalk.
I'm not going to let it happen.
You're not going to get fired...
I'm not going to get fired...
because we're going to find
Number Five intact.
Very good.
That's right, Howard.
- It's Scrotum?
- Schoreder.
Same thing.
Now all roads are blocked
her only chance is
a back road into the hills.
We'll concentrate our search there.
Where the hell are we?
"New York City".
No, I don't think so.
Try the other side.
Oh. Texaco.
Well, I'm lost.
I don't know where to go.
- Strategy.
- What about it?
Need some, quick.
Right, what we need is somebody
to make those bozos listen.
- Not bozos.
- What?
One bozo.
Newton Crosby, PhD.
Hey, malfunction, he's the enemy.
He can't help.
Couldn't hurt.
You know, I know why Number
Five took a liking to her.
If it did have that capability,
which it doesn't, but if it did.
I mean, I think she's pretty,
don't you think?
I am thinking she's a virgin.
Or at least she used to be.
Hello Crosby.
I think it's Howard.
I know you're listening,
so pick up the mike.
This is Crosby.
How's your back, Howard?
Just hunky-dory, thanks.
I just swore out some warrants
for your arrest.
Good golly.
But because I'm a nice guy, I'm
going to give you one last chance.
I got a phone call from that loony
in the lunch wagon.
She wants to see you.
- Only you.
- She does?
Oh! Her pants are blazing for
you Newton Crosby.
Will you grow up. I'll be there,
Howard, on one condition.
No Schroeder.
Is it a deal?
It's a deal.
- Where does she want to meet?
- The Black Lion Inn.
Good luck, sir.
He's hidden far away.
He's scared of you guys,
you know.
Do I get him or not?
First we talk... inside.
My ex-boyfriend used to
bring me here.
- Hi. How you doin'?
- Fine, good to see you.
- Yeah, ex. So what?
- Ah, nothing.
Okay, here's the deal.
Number Five is alive.
I mean, he is really alive,
like you and me, you see?
I understand. They can seem
quite life-like...
but they're still machines.
Just like your stereo...
or your vacuum cleaner.
No, I know he's a machine.
You're a machine, I'm a
machine. We're alive.
How it happens, who the hell
knows. But it has happened.
Believe me, I'm not against the
idea that happen, but you see...
I built the machine from scratch.
And alive, alive...
it doesn't compute.
I know. It's not your everyday
event. But somehow, it's true.
As Guerrero steps to the plate.
The pitch...
and it's a long line drive
to deep left center.
Hyde is going back for it!
Robot alert!
Number Five located.
Engage in capture,
do not destroy.
Have you thought about
what you're doing?
Trying to hide something
like this?
If you want to help Number Five,
let me have it back.
It's malfunctioning.
It needs to be repaired.
Life is not a malfunction.
Number Five axis four twenty-nine.
Stay where you are.
- Strike three.
- Number Five, stay where you are.
Number one,
you're out of there.
Number Five, stay
where you are.
Oh, my gosh.
Hammer! Axe!
Three quarter inch double-braid.
"Escaped Robot Fights for
His Life. Film at Eleven."
Target in sight. Fire!
Capture and hold.
Elevation sixteen degrees.
Visibility five feet,
two feet, no feet.
Hey, laser lips! Your mama
was a snowblower.
That wraps you up,
you rascally robot.
Target located. Elevation
sixteen degrees. Fire!
Holy moley!
- Elevation 22 degrees.
- Dumbo!
Axis lost. Seventeen...
Temper, temper!
Three degrees. Fire!
Don't fire.
Don't light a match.
Well, when you gotta go
don't squeeze the charming.
Oh, no.
Let me tell you something.
I don't like these Nova guys
anymore than you do.
In fact, I don't care if they
ever get Number Five back...
but I want to see it.
If I show where he is,
do I have your word...
you will not experiment on him?
You will not flip his switches?
And you will not take him apart?
You have my word.
He's out back.
I'll take you to him.
If you are ready, young lady,
you can take me, too.
Terrific job, Crosby.
Thanks for the help.
- No, I had nothing...
- You bastard!
- I'm not...
- You're liar.
No I didn't know...
Stephanie, a trap!
Nova! Depart!
Look out!
Here's your table sir.
- You little bastard!
- Paco, please. No autographs, sir.
Come Stephanie.
We be German.
- Stop!
- Go, go, go, go!
Great idea. Newton Crosby,
Ph. Dork.
- What are you doing?
- Keep driving.
- Step on it!
- Okay, hold on.
I have had it!
I have had it!
- This was a precision operation.
- Schroeder, you set me up!
Crosby, I'm telling you
right now...
this little fart of a robot is
beginning to give me red ass.
Where the hell
are those other robots?
They should have cut
Number Five to pieces by now.
- Where are you guys going?
- Who's asking?
A wise guy.
Excuse this.
And this.
Hey, Cut it out!
Cars. Dumb machines.
That creep.
I should have known. Every time
I think a guy's gonna be okay...
turns out to be a real jerk.
They are all alike!
All of them!
Well, the next time they mess
with us, we're gonna kick ass.
Kick ass?
Donkey, mule, burro...
One of them comes near you,
you blast them!
Just burn his butt
with your laser.
- Burn?
- Yeah!
No disassemble.
Number Five, come on,
they deserve it.
Jesus, I'm sorry.
I just...
I don't know what
to do anymore.
Take heart little lady.
I'll fix their wagon.
Well, the cat is dragged in a sight
for four eyes that is for sure.
You look dreadful.
What happened?
Where is Number five?
I saw something incredible.
I saw three robots...
totally re-programmed in
ten minutes.
I saw Number Five crash
trough a wall, grab the girl...
I think he was rescuing her...
crash trough another wall
and drive away.
- It was screaming her name.
- Now, wait a minute.
If you're thinking what I'm
thinking you're thinking...
then you are thinking that
female chick is some sort of...
- super hacker or something.
- Sure. She's a super hacker.
First, she cracks
the Nova access code...
then, she deciphers
for the language...
I invented, all
while we were sitting in the bar.
- Which was great.
- Really? Tell me. What happened?
We were interfacing, operating
on the same wavelength...
Very good, my advice helped, then.
What happened, did she stick
her tongue down your throat?
No, no.
Come on, sit in the van and tell me.
I want to know, yes sir.
Yes! Come on, Newton.
Oh, my goodness.
I am sporting
a tremendous woody right now.
Come on, tell me Newton.
Our hands came really
close to touching.
And she said I had really
nice eyes.
Yeah, you have really brown eyes.
And then Schroeder came in with
his Gestapo and ruined it all.
Those bunch of
male-type organs.
- Right.
- That's what I'm meaning.
That's the RF receiver.
It's still tuned to Number Five's
wavelength, right?
Yes, but only if it is less than
twenty feet away.
Hello, bozos.
Guys, it's Howard. If you don't
return my van in 15 minutes...
Benjamin Jhabutiyah,
No, wait!
Rethink yourself.
Exit, depart, leave.
Hear my dust, Newton Crosby!
Let us break wind!
Newton Crosby,
no run, no talk.
Today, Crosby, today!
Number Five?
Number Five,
where are you?
All right dipshit...
where's Number Five?
What did you do to him?
- You gotta control yourself just a tad.
- Hello.
You kidnapped him?
shanghaied, hijacked.
Need input!
I have questions,
queries, posers.
- You and me, both.
- Well, good.
You go up there, sit down,
look at the stars...
talk to each other,
get to know each other...
- man to man.
- Yes.
Beautiful stars.
Better see.
Beautiful stars.
Better see?
Oh, my God.
Are all geniuses as
stupid as you?
He means it's a beautiful
view of the stars.
I think he speaks very well
for a four day old.
Come. Come.
Input! Input!
One more time,
from the top.
Who is your programmer?
You rewired
all your switches.
No wonder
you're malfunctioning.
Switches are my switches.
Life not malfunction.
Not malfunction.
I am alive.
No, you're not!
You can't be.
There's gotta be another
Okay! What?
Sorry, time's up.
Wait a minute,
I'm thinking.
Could be any number
of mechanical possibilities.
Entrance of moisture
into the system.
- Heat expansion.
- Try again.
- Vibration damage.
- No way Jose.
- I'm fit as a fiddle.
- Okay.
Then why did you
ignore your programming?
Programming says "Destroy".
Is disassemble.
Make dead.
Number Five cannot.
Why cannot?
Is wrong. Incorrect.
Newton Crosby, PhD,
not know this?
Well, of course I know it's wrong
to kill, but who told you?
I told me.
Pattycake, pattycake,
baker's man
Bake me a cake
as fast as you can...
Here, I brought you some soup.
It's getting cold.
- Thank you.
- Convinced yet?
Well, I got one.
There we go.
Pattycake, Pattycake...
Number Five,
what do you make of this?
Wood pulp?
Plant, vegetable,
Water, salt,
monosodium glutamate.
Okay. Thank you.
Now you're talking
like a robot.
And resemble,
look like...
- Maple leaf.
- Where?
Holy shit!
No shit.
Where see shit?
Ok, here's your oscillating
circuit. That's done right.
And here's...
Now, why'd you do this?
Why'd you do this?
You shouldn't even
be operating if this goes into...
Let me get my other one.
I got it!
I got it!
All right, this is it!
Now, listen close.
There's a priest, a minister
and a rabbi.
They're out playing golf and
they're trying to decide...
how much to give to charity.
So the priest says, we'll
draw a circle on the ground...
we'll throw the money way up
in the air and whatever lands...
inside the circle,
we give to charity.
The minister says "no", we'll
draw a circle on the ground,
we'll throw the money way up in the air
and whatever lands outside the circle...
that's what we give to charity.
The rabbi says "no, no, no"...
we'll throw the money way
up in the air...
and whatever God wants, He keeps.
Oh! I get it. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho...
What's the matter?
- Is he laughing?
- Yeah.
And the joke wasn't
even that funny.
And I figured I screwed up
the punch line.
Whatever God wants
He keeps.
Well, you look kinda
shook up.
Yeah, it's really true.
Spontaneous emotional
I am alive. Yes?
Yeah, yeah, yes you are.
Yes! Yes!
I hope you bought enough
for everybody.
Give me one, too, Steph.
Oh, right on the sensor.
Danger! Nova!
All right, come on,
come down.
Just tell them he's alive.
Well, it doesn't look like
they want to hear that.
What? Wait a minute.
The plan was: We convince you,
and you convince them.
Damn it, Crosby,
you lied to me again.
Hit it, hit it, hit it!
The army!
The real army!
Your target is there,
if I were you I would
come out of there.
Jesus, these guys
are really severe!
Weapons. M-16 machine guns.
- 40mm grenade launchers.
- Let me handle it.
Hi, Howard.
Schroeder. How you doin'?
Howard. Howard!
We're fine. Number Five
is right here with us.
I've got it completely
under my control.
- Another lie.
- I'm lying to them, not to you.
It's still lying.
We're coming out now.
They're cooking something up.
I can smell it.
We gotta fire them now, Howard.
Don't you dare shoot
your stupid guns.
- Where's Number Five?
- He's fine. He's in the van.
Okay. Okay.
Why don't you and the young
lady just get away from the van...
and let us handle it?
Yes, Stephanie, get away.
No, listen...
I was able to activate
the voice command module.
God damn it!
I am sick and tired of listening
to this technical bullshit.
Shut up, Schroeder,
I'll handle this.
He's stalling.
Crosby, we're going to have to
ask you to surrender the robot.
- Stat?
- Stat!
- What does that mean anyway?
- I don't know.
But that is not the point.
We need that robot.
Howard, listen...
I know what
the malfunction is.
Sorry, Crosby...
we can't take any more chances.
We're not losing that thing again.
Howard, if you'd just come over
and inspect the unit...
You're all such
a bunch of liars!
As soon as they're clear,
open fire!
What have you done?
- Schroeder!
- I'll take care of this.
No, you're not taking over.
Now listen...
Don't shoot!
Don't shoot!
He's alive! He's alive!
Call them off, Howard.
You're making the biggest
mistake in history!
He's alive! I can prove it.
No, look, it's okay.
He's going to make it!
Number Five!
Oh, my God.
Get me out of here.
Magnificent! Magnificent!
Now that, my friend,
is how you kick ass!
Years of research are down the tube
and you're happy as a pig in slop.
Just doing my job, sir.
Maybe from now on you can
do it somewhere else.
Are you going to be okay?
I don't think so.
Not for a while.
I'm sorry you lost your job.
But I'm really glad you quit Nova.
- What will you do now?
- I don't know yet.
My dad left me a few
acres up in Montana.
I hear it's beautiful there
this time of year.
Great idea!
I say we cruise on up there
and check it out.
Hi, honey! I'm home!
Number Five?
Pull over, pull over,
quick, pull over!
- Number Five!
- Stephanie!
It's so good to see you.
I thought they blew you up.
Counterfeit. facsimile.
He made a duplicate of himself
from all these spare parts.
That's incredible!
This guy's a genius!
Above average.
Oh, Number Five, you are great!
You're outstandingly great!
What's our next move?
Come on, let's do as he says.
We'll go to Montana.
I got forty acres up there.
Great for him to hide out...
Soak up input.
I don't know. I have
responsibilities here.
- What about my animals?
- Come on, Stephanie.
Wait a minute.
Did you say forty acres?
Listen, do you like animals?
Yeah. How many animals
are we talking about?
Great. I drive, you two
work this out.
Number five stupid name.
- Want to be Kevin or Dave.
- Just watch the road, okay?
Maybe Johnny. Yeah.
Johnny Five. That's cool.
Gimme five.