Shotgun Wedding (2022) Movie Script

["Love" by Michael Bubl playing]
[gun cocks]
[loud burst]
[people chattering]
[sighs deeply]
[man 1] There she is!
[cheering and applauding]
Gloria!
Hi.
Welcome!
- You look great.
- Thank you!
- Darcy, where have you been?
- Hey! Hi!
I was just taking a minute.
Is that allowed?
Not at your wedding.
- Your Ketel One martini.
- Oh.
Obrigada, Jerome.
Where is the groomzilla?
Tom is not a groomzilla, okay?
He just committed to making
every detail perfect.
You should have taken your father's money
for this wedding.
Then, professionals would make
everything perfecto for you.
Mom, I've told you. We are adults
and we wanted to pay for our own wedding
so it could be what we wanted.
And this is what you wanted?
That was a printing error.
["Love" by Michael Bubl
continues playing]
E is even more than
Anyone that you adore
And love is all
That I can give to you
Love is more than
Just a game for two
Two in love can make it
[drill whirring]
Love was made For me and you
- Hoy!
- [clicking]
Oh! Oh!
Oh! Hey!
Oh, I almost shoot you!
I thought you're a pirate
but you're just a guy.
- [guard laughing]
- [grunts]
[sighs] Ah, this is for your bride, huh?
[Tom] Yeah, trying to surprise her.
I saw something just like it on Etsy,
and it looked perfect,
but now I'm not so sure.
Now, I wanna be romantic
but not too corny.
There's a really fine line
between the two.
Aren't you supposed to be over there?
Your rehearsal party.
Oh, my God!
I need you to talk
to your father's yoga teacher.
- Girlfriend?
- Yeah, whatever.
She keeps smiling at me.
Can you tell her to stop smiling at me?
Yes, Mom.
I will tell Dad's girlfriend
to stop smiling at you.
That won't cause any issues.
Also, I cannot sit at a table
with Tom's mother.
On the boat here, she tried to start
a sing-along to South Pacific.
She's excited. Okay?
She's never been out
of the country before.
What kind of a grown woman
has never left the country?
Please, Mom, for two days,
can you just get along with...
Carol!
I'm gonna wash that man
Right outta my hair
I'm gonna wash that man
Right outta my hair
And send him on his way
[both laughing]
I've been looking forward to this moment
ever since baby Tommy
was cut out of my abdomen.
- [laughs forcefully]
- Oh, my God,
I have never been
on a private island before.
I've never been even on an island before.
Actually, you know what? That's not true.
I went with the Heibermans.
We went to Mackinac, you know,
before they moved to Bloomington.
Have you ever been to Mackinac, Renata?
I don't know what that is
or most of the words you just said.
[Carol] Wouldn't she just love it, Larry?
Oh. Hi, Darcy.
Hey, Larry.
I didn't see you there. [laughs]
- Hi.
- [Larry] Hi, Renata.
[Carol] Guess what? We got you a gift.
- Oh, you didn't have to.
- [Carol] Yes, we did.
It's the biggest day
of our lives tomorrow.
What are you talking about?
- Come on, open it.
- Okay. [chuckles]
- Larry, she's opening.
- I get... Oh.
Ah-uh-huh.
Oh. Someone just left that
in the bathroom.
[Tom] Oh, you're a lifesaver, Margy.
I cannot believe I'm late for this.
The guests are already mingling,
and your Darcy is talking
to both the mothers.
Oh, no. Go. Go, go, go, go, go, go.
[Darcy] Oh!
[Renata] You got my daughter rusty knives?
It's your "something borrowed."
Everyone in our family uses
them on their wedding day.
Brings you a lifetime of good luck.
Except for Uncle Greg
who ended up getting
decapitated on that forklift.
But that's not the knife's fault.
[man] Darcy!
Dad!
[praises in Spanish]
- Gracias.
- [both] Mm.
- [Carol laughing]
- Carol, you look lovely.
[kissing] Mm. Mm.
Larry, hello, sir.
- [Larry] Hey!
- I'm gonna kiss you too.
- Oh.
- Mm.
- Sorry. Done?
- Yeah, okay.
Renata.
Roberto.
I love that you two are still friends.
- Peekaboo! [chuckles]
- Oh.
Hi!
[both] Mwah. Mwah.
Mm!
Oh, Darcy, I am so honored to bear witness
to this sacred observance
of rebirth and devotion.
- Same.
- Thank you. [chuckles]
[gasps] Renata.
[dramatic music plays]
I need to go to the ladies' room.
[Carol] Hey, me too.
When I'm in formal wear,
I like to pee standing up. How about you?
- Sorry.
- That's okay.
Thank you, Margy.
Oh, hey.
- Hey.
- [Tom] How are you?
[Darcy sighs]
- Oh.
- [whispers] Oh, my God.
- That's for you.
- Thanks.
Big papi.
- My man. Mwah.
- [Robert grunts]
- This... I just...
- Nice to see you, Dad.
- Seor.
- Let's just, uh, stick
- with "Robert" for a little while.
- [Harriett chuckles]
- Right. Robert.
- [Harriett] Tom, I heard
you were the one who found
this incredible resort.
- Yeah. I did.
- Yes.
I actually study bioresonance,
and this place is
teeming with energetic vibrations.
- [Darcy] Mm.
- [Robert] It's just like
- our room teeming with bugs.
- [both laugh]
The, uh, Four Seasons would've been nice,
but you didn't want my help, so...
Some things are more important
- than money, Dad.
- Yeah.
That's debatable. [chuckles]
Well, I need another drink.
- Yeah.
- [speaks Spanish]
No, I'm good. Gracias.
[Robert] Okay, well...
I'm fine.
[sighs] Is he ever gonna like me?
Yes, if you just chill out
and start acting like yourself.
[whispers] God, our families are a lot.
- What do you mean?
- And where have you been?
I was just finishing up a little project.
What'd I miss?
Oh, well, your mom gave me cursed knives.
And then my mom almost yelled
at my dad's girlfriend for smiling.
- Oh.
- Oh, also,
your cousin, Amy, asked where
she could charge her vibrator.
Oh, so, Cousin Amy came?
She will soon.
- [laughs]
- Um, what are you wearing?
Oh, it's, uh...
Why is your hair all wet?
Oh, I... I just... I...
You know, I went
for a little moonlight swim.
You fell in the water, didn't you?
Yeah, I fell in the water. [laughing]
You know, it's kinda cute
how bad you are at lying.
Just... Just promise me...
Promise me, you won't let go of my hand
for the rest of the night, okay?
I promise.
["Pony" by Ginuwine plays on speakers]
Ace.
Ace just put on the honeymoon playlist.
I need to change it.
Well, is "need" the right word?
- Dad, please.
- [Larry] Oh, yeah.
[song stops playing]
Tommy, Tommy, I need you
for, like, five minutes.
- What? No, no, no, no.
- It's an emergency.
I've been working
on my best-man speech, right,
and it is going really well.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- [imperceptible]
- [music plays on speakers]
Dad's girlfriend just asked me
what my love language is.
She sucks.
Happiest I've seen you in 20 years.
- Thanks.
- Cheers.
[helicopter approaching]
[upbeat hip-hop music playing]
[Jamie gasps]
Dad invited your ex?
God! How does he just keep getting hotter?
Looks like he's leading a porn safari.
I didn't wanna invite him,
but Dad insisted because
he said Bali was so close.
Wow. Wow, wow, wow. wow, wow.
Dad is a messy bitch who loves the drama.
[Darcy] Well, he never RSVP'd,
so we thought we were in the clear.
I didn't think he'd actually come.
You know, he never RSVP'd.
No, that's a very, very cool move.
I'm really excited to meet him.
Oops, looks like he was in a rush
and forgot to button
his shirt all the way up.
Deedee. [exhales sharply]
- Hey, man, how are you?
- Hey.
Hi, Sean! [laughs]
[Sean grunts] I am so sorry that I'm late.
Your dad needed me to go to Japan
at the last minute,
and then, you know,
I had to charter a jet from Kyoto,
- just like a whole thing.
- No, it's okay. We just...
You know, we didn't know you were coming.
[Sean] Your dad and I
wanted to surprise you.
Look, babe, you know I wasn't
gonna miss your wedding
for anything in this world, right?
- Sean, I want you to meet Tom.
- Tom.
- Oh, hey! [chuckles]
- Tom!
- Tom, Tom, Tom.
- Sean. Yeah.
- Nice to meet you.
- Hey, Tom.
Man, I have been dying
to meet Deedee's ball player, man.
What position you play?
- I'm a... Well, I...
- He's a designated hitter.
[Robert] Uh, unfortunately,
they didn't pick up his contract,
so, technically, he's unemployed, but...
Cut from the minors at 40.
That's a tough break, Tom.
But if you stay positive,
you could have
a really great future in coaching.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
That is an excellent idea.
- I think so.
- Thank you.
Yeah.
Is it time for dinner?
[applause]
We are so very touched
that you all made the trek out here.
You know, we really wanted to pick a place
that was convenient for none of you.
[all laughing]
You know what,
I talk too much at the law firm.
So I am going to hand it over
to the man of the hour,
the guy who made
this whole weekend happen,
my lovely Tom.
[cheering and applauding]
Thank you.
- [man] Do it!
- [woman 1] You go, girl!
[Tom] Uh...
- [woman 2] Yeah!
- [whispers] You got this.
- Right?
- [laughter]
I can just wing this, right?
Darcy talked a lot about, uh,
her time in the Peace Corps in Bali,
and I thought, you know,
how cool would it be
if we got married there.
And then, I realized that
Bali was un-Bali-vably expensive.
[scattered laughter]
I think the Philippines are better.
- [guests clap]
- Right, Ace?
Ace agrees. Next.
- [woman] Aw!
- [guests exclaim]
I know a lot of you were there
to witness my proposal.
The shock and surprise. Priceless.
Anyway, Mom and Dad,
I just wanna say thank you.
Your commitment is something
that we can only aspire to.
- Oh, my God.
- [Tom] Robert, Renata,
we hope our marriage is
nothing like yours. [laughing]
Pivot, baby. [whispers] Pivot.
I mean, that's not a...
a character judgment, by any means.
I mean, 50% of marriages
end in divorce, right?
- [mic feedback]
- Ha! Wonderful.
[chuckling] Cheers, everybody.
- Cheers, cheers, cheers.
- Cheers.
[Tom clears throat]
[jazz music playing]
Oh, my God. That did not go well.
No, that was awesome.
- [glass clinking]
- [music stops]
So Deedee and I met
in the Peace Corps in Bali.
And one day, we had to run
these medical supplies to this village.
I decided to teach her
how to drive the boat,
so I could sleep
and she could do all the work.
[all laughing]
[Tom chuckles dryly]
The first time our girl
gets behind the wheel,
she gets a damn speeding ticket
from the coast guard.
[all laughing]
Right? Deedee doesn't do
anything half-assed.
She sees what she wants,
she goes after it,
and she doesn't settle for less.
[Tom] It's true, it's true.
[Sean] So, as some of you may know,
Deedee and I were,
100 years ago, were engaged.
But she called it off.
[guests exclaim sadly]
No. No, no, no, no.
She was waiting for Tom.
And that guy right there
has gotta be a one-in-a-million supernova
to snag that beautiful soul.
- Thanks.
- [all applauding]
- Thanks, Sean.
- So, in conclusion,
I just wanna say one thing to you, Deedee.
Katuk kak ci.
[laughing]
[all applauding and cheering]
What's... Katuk kak what?
Oh, God. Um, it's hard to explain.
It actually means, um,
"Fuck your grandpa."
[chuckles] It's just...
Well, that's not that hard to explain.
Yeah, well, I don't know.
Just, in Balinese, it's super offensive.
Yeah, well, it's offensive everywhere, no?
- Yeah. I mean... It just...
- "Fuck your grandpa!"
- It just made us laugh.
- It is funny.
- [glass clinks]
- [woman] Hi, everybody.
I'm Tom's baby sister, Jeannie.
- Yeah, Jeannie!
- Hey, Jeannie!
Wow, Sean's speech, wasn't it somethin'?
[cheering and applauding]
[spray can hissing]
[Darcy] Honey?
Maybe we should just,
you know, call it a night.
[Tom] No, babe, you go ahead.
I gotta finish these centerpieces
and rearrange the seating chart
now that Sean decided to show up.
- [grunts]
- Tom!
Tom!
[whispers] Let's have sex.
Yes. Yes.
Just... Just... Just...
Just gimme... Just...
I just have to finish
these pineapples real quick.
Okay. Um...
But do you really have to finish
pineapples right now?
Oh, my God. I love you
in a T-shirt and no pants.
[inhales sharply]
I'm just gonna reach over here,
this high shelf, so I can get
something to read.
Why is it so sexy
when you can't reach high shelves?
- So, um...
- [grunting softly]
I'm sorry, miss, but it was...
- It's this one here?
- No, no, no.
It's the one over there.
- Sir, please.
- Oh, this one.
- This one.
- Yes.
- That?
- Thank you, sir.
Okay. Glad I could help.
[Darcy giggling]
I miss you.
It's been a while, huh?
I know.
I miss you.
[Tom moans]
Could I ask you a question?
Is it a sexy question?
Um...
Just wondering why you called off
the engagement with Sean again.
That is so not sexy. [chuckles]
I... I told you this.
We were young, we were in Bali,
and then one day, I woke up
and it just didn't feel right.
- Okay?
- Okay.
[Tom moaning]
But you said yes.
You know, what changed your mind?
[Darcy sighs]
[chuckling] I don't know.
Uh, he... he started working with my dad,
he changed, and all he cared about
was status and money.
[chuckles] Anyway, why do you want
to talk about my ex
the night before our wedding?
I don't know. Maybe because
you invited him to our wedding?
Remember, I didn't.
My dad asked me to invite him.
What was I supposed to say?
I don't know. Uh, no?
If you remember correctly,
I didn't wanna invite anyone.
- I wanted to elope.
- [sighs]
The only reason I agreed
to a traditional wedding
was because you said that
we'd have moments alone.
[knock on door]
Hey, hello. It's Carol.
Hi. Hello.
Your future mother-in-law, Carol.
[chuckles] Yep, I know your name, Carol.
I brought some of the extras
for the welcome bags
in case you want to make one for Sean.
[Tom] Oh! Oh.
Great. Thanks.
All right, thanks.
Tommy, she's not wearing any pants.
- [gifts clatter]
- I just want to ask,
and... and I hope it's okay.
Is that genetics,
or is it, like, Pilates or something?
Mom, now is not the time for this.
[Carol] Yes, all right. But, you know,
we need to get you outta here.
It's the night before your wedding,
and you can't spend the night together.
- No, Ma, it's just...
- You can't. It's bad luck.
You know, his cousin, Jenna,
she spent the night with her husband.
Lo and behold, she got Lyme disease,
and now she can't wear sandals.
It's a tradition.
[snoring softly]
[upbeat music playing]
[indistinct chatter and laughter]
[bird squawking]
[suspenseful music playing]
[pirate leader] Oh.
Look at the happy couple.
[man laughs wickedly]
Where have you been?
You were supposed to do my hair.
Now birds are gonna lay eggs in it.
I know. I overslept. I'm sorry.
[chuckles dryly]
Kind of, sort of,
slept with Ricky last night.
- Ricky?
- Yes. I'm sorry.
I just, I was in the mood for something,
you know, that wasn't quite right.
Like ordering a hamburger
at a sushi bar or something.
I'm just gonna avoid him today. It's fine.
He's Tom's best man.
You two have to walk down
the aisle together.
I am very good at ignoring people
that I'm standing next to.
- No kidding.
- Ready?
I can't believe you agreed
to wear Carol's wedding dress.
- [splutters]
- Okay.
- [Jamie blowing]
- Okay, okay.
You look beautiful, no matter what.
She's ready!
[Jeannie] Hey, should we all do
- a round of tequila shots?
- [sighs]
[Carol] Well, I Scotchgarded the dress,
so try not to inhale the chemicals.
[Jamie] Where's the veil?
Where's the veil?
[huffs] Okay.
[Jamie] Well, yes, tequila.
[Jeannie] Unless we get the bottle,
I'm not set.
[Jamie] No, no tequila.
Oh!
The prettiest of them all.
You look so much better
than the rest of us.
This dress is just wonderful.
I wore it for my wedding,
Jeannie wore it for hers,
and now you're gonna wear it for yours.
Oh, my gosh.
Look at you.
Oh, it's white coral made out of tissue.
Um...
Something doesn't, you know, feel right.
[Carol] Do you think
if we blew-dried the veil,
- it would be more fluffy?
- Okay, so what I'm seeing is,
I think that the left boob
is actually slightly lower
- than the right boob.
- Like floof, floof, like that?
Hey, something kinda magical
happened with me last night.
- Theoretically speaking...
- [cell phone chiming]
...would it be weird or wonderful
- if we married sisters?
- [cell phone vibrates]
Yeah, sure.
[Ricky] Hey, psst, Larry.
Tom's being boring.
Come film me doing a backflip!
[Larry] Oh, I...
I don't think I should walk.
[Ricky] All right.
[guests chattering]
[suspenseful music playing]
It's time.
Wow!
[sighs] Look at you.
[soft music playing]
Okay.
You wanted to talk.
I know it's last minute.
I just...
I hated the way things ended
last night, and...
And I didn't want our wedding day
to start off on a bad note.
Oh, my God.
[sighs in relief]
God, I thought you were calling it off.
[Tom chuckling]
Calling off the wedding? [scoffs]
- Why?
- Uh, I don't know.
I mean, this weekend
hasn't exactly gone to plan.
You and I have been arguing more
in the last few months than we did
our first four years together.
[inhales deeply] I don't know.
I guess I thought
weddings were supposed to be fun.
Oh. Okay.
Well, I'm sorry I didn't make
your wedding more fun for you.
Well, no. That's...
Darcy, that's not what...
And it's not my wedding. It's our wedding.
Hardly.
[sighs] Yeah, Tom.
You got so fixated
on the wedding that you...
you turned into a different person.
I'm sorry. I just wanted
everything to be perfect.
Why is that so important to you?
Why isn't it important to you?
It's like you don't even care
about the wedding.
Well, I... Of course I care.
Oh, yeah?
You're the one that insisted
that we pay for this wedding.
Yet I'm the one that's bargaining
with all the vendors
and DIY-ing everything,
and all you're saying is,
"I don't know. It looks good,"
you know, "Sounds good, Tom.
Whatever you want."
I told you that I did not want
a big traditional wedding.
Okay? I'm not some blushing bride.
I'm a grown woman.
I don't want my daddy
walking me down the aisle.
I don't need a big princess dress,
and I certainly don't need
a wedding registry.
I have my things already.
I like my things.
I wanted a Roomba.
[guests murmuring]
Well, she's not up in the lobby.
I can't get through on my phone.
Oh, my God. They've fallen in a ditch.
What? And how do you know that?
[Carol] I don't know.
I just have a sixth sense
about these things.
Ace and I will take a look around.
Don't worry. We will find them.
[Carol breathing heavily]
- [screams] Check all ditches!
- [Larry] God.
I wanted it to just be you and me
in the middle of the ocean.
And for the 400th time,
that would've killed my mother.
Ugh. Right.
And that's why I'm in your mother's dress
with an extra 10 pounds of hair
on my head.
But the truth is, you have not listened
to one thing I wanted since you proposed.
Okay, well, Darcy, I'm listening.
Enlighten me.
What is it? What is it that you want?
Tom, we've... We talked about this.
I told you on our very first date,
I didn't want a big wedding.
Well, I thought you changed
- your mind about that.
- [sighs]
Why did you even agree to do it then?
Oh, I... I don't... I don't know!
Okay? Because...
Because I love you. Because I... I w...
I wanted you to be happy.
[pirate leader] Go! Come on, move!
Everybody, move! Come on!
- [people screaming]
- Move along.
Go outside, go outside right now.
Come on. Come on.
If you don't wanna go through with this,
it's not too late.
What?
No. We brought everybody that we loved
down to the Philippines for our wedding.
I'm in this dress! We're doin' this!
Oh, that was beautiful.
Are those your vows?
Oh, my God.
You convinced yourself
that I wanted to call off the wedding,
and now you're making it happen.
Oh, there you go. Lawyering yourself
out of any real responsibility.
[Darcy gasps]
[intense music playing]
[groans] You cut me with your ring!
- Won't happen again.
- [grunts]
[intense music resumes]
Great!
[shouting] Why don't you go be with Sean?
Maybe you guys could go bang
some grandpas!
[intense music continues]
I don't know why.
I have a bad feeling about this.
[Larry] It's gonna be fine, honey.
- [screams]
- [all gasp]
I think you might be overreacting.
[screams]
- [guests screaming]
- [indistinct shouting]
[pirate leader] Hold still!
Get down, get down, get down!
[all screaming]
[whimpers]
- [pirate 1] No running!
- [gunshot]
- [pirate leader] Everyone!
- [pirate 1] Get down.
[pirate leader] To the pool! Now!
First rows, go!
- Go, go, go!
- [Carol exclaims]
[pirate 1] Everyone, this way! This way!
Come on! Come on! One line! Let's go!
- [gunshots]
- [indistinct shouting]
[grunts]
[frightened clamoring]
Let's go!
Darcy.
- [pirate leader] Guys, go!
- [pirate 1] Go, go, up there.
[pirate leader] Up there!
Up there! Go! Go to the end.
- Go, go!
- Everybody, walk!
- [pirate leader] Keep going.
- [pirate 1] Let's go.
[pirate leader] Go!
[guests screaming]
[pirate leader] Keep moving! There you go.
[pirate 2] Turn. Turn. Go!
- [pirate leader] Line up.
- [pirate 2] Keep moving.
Line up, go!
- [pirate leader] Now!
- [Carol] No.
[pirate leader] And into the pool.
Now. Go!
Go in. Faster, faster, faster.
- [pirate 2] Get in the water.
- [pirate leader] Let's go faster.
- [pirate 2] Drop the phone.
- But my phone will get ruined.
I think that's the point, sweetie.
Just drop it.
Yeah, but I haven't
backed it up in a while.
- [Renata] Drop it!
- Okay. Okay.
[pirate leader] No need to be scared.
As long as everybody follows directions,
no one gets hurt.
Raise your hand when you hear your name.
Robert Rivera.
Robert! Robert.
They're calling you.
Thanks a lot, Carol.
- [pirate leader] Larry Fowler.
- Present.
I... I'm Carol, his wife.
Just so you don't have to make two trips.
Wait, wait. I'd like it in the center.
Sean Hawkins.
If you hurt anyone in this pool,
you're gonna have to answer to me.
[pirate leader]
Is this the hero of the group?
[all] Yes.
No. Oh, my God.
[women whimper]
There is always one.
All right.
[pirate leader] Where is bride and groom?
[pirate 1] She's there.
Isn't she the bride?
Oh. No.
Amanda thought it was appropriate
to wear white to a wedding.
I didn't know that was a rule.
Yes, you did.
- You're a gaslighter.
- [Jeannie] Yeah.
You see, this is a problem.
They could call police.
And if police come,
we kill everyone.
- [guests gasping]
- [woman] Oh, my God.
Okay, um, I... I saw Tom headed towards
the nature walk before the ceremony,
and I noticed that his frequency levels
were dangerously low.
I think he's getting cold feet.
Tommy has cold feet?
Is this really what we should be
worrying about at this point?
I'm a mother. I can worry
about a lot of things at the same time.
Like Larry's mole.
[Larry] Oh, it's fine, sweetie.
- [Carol] It's getting bigger.
- [pirate leader] Spread out.
- [guns cocking]
- Look for them.
Hey, uh, I... I...
I texted you this morning
and I didn't hear anything back.
Are you being serious right now?
No. No.
[panting]
[Darcy screams]
[gasps] Darcy!
- [Darcy grunting]
- [Tom] Darcy! Hey!
- [groans]
- No, no, no, no. Darcy.
- Darcy, I'm coming in.
- Fuck off, Tom!
Oh, thank God.
Listen, I know you're mad at me right now,
but you have to let me in.
Why would I be mad? I'm awesome.
I'm on a tropical island,
I'm having a liquid brunch,
and I don't have to answer to anybody!
[indistinct radio chatter]
[gasps] Oh, my God, this is not happening.
Oh, it is happening, buddy.
Okay? And once I get this hair condo
off my head,
I'm gonna march down to that beach
and tell everybody how you blew this up!
Shh... shh!
Are you seriously shushing me right now?
What the fuck?
[Tom grunts]
Is that blood?
There's no time
for a blood freak-out right now.
- Don't tell me...
- [shushes]
- [muffled groaning]
- There are pirates outside,
and they took everybody hostage.
[muffled] What?
[indistinct radio chatter]
- [gunshots]
- [gasps]
[grunts]
- We have to get help.
- [Tom] No, no. No. No.
- The phone is dead.
- Oh, the Wi-Fi too.
Marge said the cell service
is better on the north side.
Why did you pick an island
with no cell service?
Because I wanted people to be present
and in the moment.
- [gunshot]
- [gasps] Jeez!
I can't breathe. [gasps] I can't breathe!
I know. Me neither.
No. I... I really can't breathe.
It's the shapewear.
Please help me get out of this dress now.
Now!
Would you relax?
[whispers] What did you just say to me?
I said everything's gonna be okay.
Dress is like a riddle.
- [gunshots]
- Oh!
God, I'm gonna die in this dress!
Oh, door latches from the inside.
He's gonna know we're in here. [grunting]
He's also gonna know we're in here
when he comes in here and we're in here.
He'll think we're in the shower.
What... What?
And come back at a better time?
Leave a note?
- [shower running]
- All right.
Okay, h... here's the plan. He comes in,
he's gonna think we're in the shower,
then I jump out and I trap him in the net.
Oh, my God, that's an amazing plan.
- Yes!
- No!
You're gonna throw a net over a pirate?
Have you ever tried to get out of a net?
It's very hard to get out of a net.
Okay. How about...
How about this? I spray him in the eyes.
How is hairspray in the eyes
better than a net over his head?
Wait! Yes, that's actually...
That's actually... You spray that.
I'll light the match.
It'll be like a flamethrower.
- I mean, it won't work!
- Why?
- Too many steps.
- It's two steps.
It's two steps. Flamethrower, net.
I pop out and I put the net over his head.
I'll surprise him.
No, Tom, because bullets
shoot through nets!
- Technically, yeah.
- Technically?
Technically, he won't be able
to shoot straight
because he'll be all fuckin'
wrapped up in the net.
I swear to God, if you say "net"
one more time...
- [gunshots]
- [gasps]
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
[gunshot]
[whispering] Psst. Flamethrower.
[suspenseful music playing]
[shower running]
[whispering] I'm gonna fuck him up.
I'm gonna fuck him up.
[mouthing]
[turns off shower]
[screaming]
[all screaming]
[Darcy] Fuck!
[pirate 2 panting]
- [grunts]
- [pirate 2] Ow!
- Never mind! Never mind.
- Why did you do that?
- Never mind!
- [both scream and grunt]
- [groaning] You were right.
- [panting]
That hairspray was
so much worse than the net.
[Tom grunts]
- [Darcy] Ow!
- [pirate 2] Get up.
[Darcy] Okay.
[both grunt]
- [Tom] Come on.
- [Darcy] Don't strangle me.
- [Tom] Turn your arm.
- [pirate 2] I have them alive.
Wait, wait. What?
[pirate 2 on radio]
Bungalow 15. Pick me up.
[pirate leader] Go collect them.
And then we can begin.
[both grunting]
You doing okay, Jamie?
My stomach feels like
it's gonna fall through my asshole.
But otherwise, I'm chill.
Listen, it's normal to feel scared.
But I'm not gonna let
anything happen to you
or your family. Promise.
[Jeannie] Hey, Sean?
I am also feeling scared.
Like the most scared
I've ever been in my whole life.
It's like I just watched The Ring,
you know?
[Harriett] Robbie, baby, I want you
to practice the breathing exercise
that we learned at Esalen, okay?
I'm gonna hit a pressure point.
Ready? And...
[joints pop]
- Breathe. Breathe.
- [breathing sharply]
From the diaphragm.
- I think I'm gonna throw up now.
- It's okay. You're doing fine.
If he keeps making that noise,
just go ahead and shoot me.
- [Robert pants]
- [laughing]
[pirate leader] The happy couple
will be here in a second.
So let's get to business.
Where is the father of the bride?
Robert. He's calling ya again.
Thanks, Carol. [grunts]
Okay, what do you want?
[pirate leader] Well, we call my colleague
on the satellite phone,
and you transfer $45 million
to a bank account.
[Harriett] What? What?
I don't have that kind of money.
[pirate leader] We googled you.
Net worth is $60 million.
I'm not giving you anything
until I find out if my daughter's safe.
- And your son-in-law.
- Yeah, him too.
Okay.
I can wait two minutes
to take all your money.
This way.
You want some pineapple candies?
They're from that weird welcome bag
we got, but I found them in my pocket.
No, I don't want loose, wet candy
from your gross pockets.
Okay.
Suit yourself.
Okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay.
- I'm starving.
- No.
[Jamie gasps]
- You're an asshole.
- Hmm.
God, I can't believe
that I had sex with you.
Honestly, I was pretty surprised
by that too.
[Darcy] My parents, they got divorced
when I was in high school,
and my first engagement was a disaster.
What about you? Are you dating anyone?
Have you always wanted to be a pirate?
No more talk, lady.
Excuse me, sirs.
Darcy, they're gonna hurt you.
I just can't help but notice
that you guys smell like cigarettes,
and I am loving it.
Is there any way I could bum a cigarette?
I mean, I think it might help with the...
the panic and dread
I'm experiencing right now.
Since when do you smoke cigarettes?
It's...
I just... You don't even
have to untie my hands.
I mean, I... I can smoke with no hands.
You could just put it right in my mouth.
[pirate 2] Give her a cigarette.
- Please.
- Maybe it will shut her up.
[Darcy] Yes, yes, yes, it will shut me up.
Oh, thank you.
You guys are the...
best.
- [searing]
- [pirate 2] What?
- Fire!
- [Darcy screaming]
[Tom] Oh, my God!
- [gasps]
- Oh, my God! Flamethrower!
- [laughing]
- Oh, my...
See, that's why you only have a plan
with one step!
[Tom gasps]
- No!
- Oh, my God!
- Get the brakes!
- I'm trying! I'm trying!
[Darcy screams]
[both grunting]
- [shrieks]
- Cliff!
- Cliff! Cliff!
- [Darcy] I see it!
Get it into park!
[Tom] I'm trying! [grunting]
- [Darcy] Oh, God! Oh, my God!
- [Tom] God!
[grunting]
Oh, slide out!
[both grunting and gasping]
[both laugh]
- [thud]
- [both gasp]
[Darcy] My dress! My dress, Tom!
Tom, don't let go!
- Don't you let go!
- [gasping]
[Darcy] I'm stuck! I'm stuck!
[screaming]
- [Tom strains]
- [dress rips]
[Darcy grunts]
[both panting]
[gunshots]
- Go!
- [whimpering]
Go. Go, go, go. Go, go, go.
- [gunshots continue]
- [Darcy screams]
[Tom panting]
Quick, do something baseball-y.
What? This is nothing like baseball!
- Down! Down, down!
- [Darcy] Fuck!
[gun clicks]
- He's out of ammo.
- Right.
- Run at him!
- What?
- Go. Believe me, just go!
- No, no, no!
[all grunt]
[gasps]
- Grenade!
- He has a grenade!
Sir!
Sir, sir.
Give me the grenade, sir. Sir!
Sir, give me the grenade. Sir. Sir!
[all grunting]
- [Tom groans]
- [Darcy] Ah-ow. Ow!
- [bones crack]
- [both panting]
[whispering] Oh, my God.
- Is he dead?
- I don't know.
[shouts] Are you dead?
Oh, yeah, he's very not alive.
Not alive. Oh, boy.
- Yes! You killed him!
- Yeah!
Yeah, I killed him! I killed him!
[both laughing]
Oh, my God, I killed a man.
I killed a man. No.
- [gasping]
- How do you feel?
I feel... Oh, my God. I feel horrible.
- Yeah.
- But excited.
You know, like, happy.
Like, I'm gonna shit my pants.
- Yeah.
- You know, like,
but in a good way. You know?
[Darcy] Huh.
Oh, my God.
I'm gonna go to prison.
- I'm gonna...
- No!
- Yeah.
- No. It was... It...
It was self-defense.
He was trying to kill us.
Any court would...
Any court...
Are you okay?
Yeah. I'm fine. I'm fine.
It's just, you know, I looked over there
and I saw all the blood.
And, you know, I think I saw some brain.
- Was that brain stuff?
- Yeah. Yeah.
And so I'm just gonna look up at the sky
and... so I don't pass out.
Okay. Well, you know what?
Maybe we should...
- [huffing]
- Let's just step away
from the scene.
- And don't look down.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Just don't look down.
[pirate leader]
They should be here by now.
Head up the road.
- Check on them.
- [pirate 3] Yeah.
[breathing through teeth]
All right. We need to get off this island.
Well, it might help that
I got this grenade for us.
I mean, he was trying
to blow us up, but I got it.
I got it. Another point for Darcy.
[blows sharply]
Okay, Darcy.
Uh...
Do you remember
that time that we were
driving down the highway
and you very calmly told me to pull over?
And you waited until we pulled over
to tell me that there was
a giant spider on my head?
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, well, that was very smart.
Because if you had told me before,
I might have panicked and crashed the car.
Wait. Is there a spider on my head?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no. I tell you this story because...
I don't want you to panic
when I tell you
what I'm about to tell you.
Your grenade doesn't have a pin.
- What does that mean?
- Well...
Well, is it... is it...
is it gonna explode?
No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no.
Hold it exactly how you're
holding it. Good. Good.
- Okay. Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
That pin holds the handle on.
But when you let go of the grenade,
the handle pops off,
which lights the fuse,
and the whole thing goes...
boom.
[whispers] How do you know
so much about grenades?
Video games.
So what should I do?
Should... Should I throw it?
Well, my concern is that you won't be able
to throw it far enough to not blow us up.
- No offense.
- God.
So, what, I just...
I just hold this live grenade?
This grenade is just part of my life now?
Yeah, for now, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, here's the plan.
We're gonna get a knife.
- Okay. All right.
- I'm gonna cut
through these ties,
we're gonna get rid of that grenade,
and then we're gonna
head down to the docks.
We're gonna bum-rush
the pirate guarding it,
hop in a boat, and head
to the next island for help.
- Okay?
- Tom, that plan...
[sighs] Has too many steps.
I see that now.
[sighs] Now, you got a simpler one?
- Yes. Yes.
- What?
- Yes. Okay.
- What are you doing?
Get down here. Found it.
- Found it. Yes.
- What are we doing?
- Right here.
- What are we doing?
- [laughs triumphantly]
- Oh.
Oh.
Find cell service. Call for help.
When did you put that in your underwear?
[chuckles]
Right before the pirates
took us out of the cabana.
Because I'm a sneaky little bitch.
Oh, you are a sneaky little bitch.
- Thank you.
- [sighs]
- Okay.
- Let's start walking.
[Darcy] Sneaky. Sneaky little bitch.
You're testing my patience, Robert!
Look, you want my money?
I want my daughter.
- It's a simple negotiation.
- [pirate leader] Enough!
All right.
[Carol] They're bringing him back.
[pirate leader] Move.
[Sean] Robert. What happened?
Are you okay?
They didn't hurt you, did they?
Well, I'm not giving them a dime
till I know my daughter's alive.
That didn't go over very well.
I'm afraid they're gonna start
shooting the hostages.
[Sean] I don't think
they're gonna do that.
[Harriett] Isn't that exactly
what pirates do?
Come out, Mr. Pirate Man!
My name
is Carol Elaine Fowler,
and I deserve to live.
Carol, what are you doing?
[whispering] I'm humanizing myself.
[in normal tone] I saw it
on Good Morning America.
If you humanize yourself to them,
they let you live.
I am a wife. I am a mother.
And I was Milford, Michigan's top realtor
in 1998,
and again in 2007.
I dream of going to Ireland.
I was a late bloomer
and my teeth didn't come in till I was 14.
Please pick me.
My name is Jeannie Reed.
I am a devoted mother
and a slightly less devoted wife.
This is my first vacation without my kids,
so I drank a lot of champagne
before the ceremony,
took a couple of weed gummies,
and the combination
is really killing me right now.
I'm Amanda Walker.
I'm a godmother and a woman in tech.
- I went to...
- I am Renata.
I'm from Brazil.
I have beautiful hair.
Yeah. Very beautiful.
What else?
You're a mother.
I am a mother.
My name is Ricky Silver.
A lot of my friends, they're pairing up,
and they're getting married
and drinking loose-leaf tea and shit.
And I'm still single. But last night...
I made love to a gorgeous
and terrifying woman.
You think I'm terrifying?
You scare the shit out of me.
[light music playing]
I'm Larry Fowler.
[music halts]
Oh...
Thank you.
- Oh.
- [Jeannie] Oh, easy, Dad.
- Hold the phone. Yes.
- [Tom] How am I gonna...
- Hold it steady.
- [Darcy] Hold it. Hold on.
I just gotta get this thing
out of my head.
It's driving me crazy. [sighs]
- Wait. Hold on. Just wait.
- What are you...
What are you...
Are you stuffing a loose wad
of hair in my pocket?
Yes. A loose wad of very expensive,
custom-made hair
that I would like to keep.
If we survive.
[laughing]
What's so funny?
- I've just been...
- Ow, ow, ow!
...questioning everything lately.
What if the wedding's not perfect?
What if your parents never like me?
What does life look like after baseball?
But not once did I wonder
if I'd be walking handcuffed
through the jungle with a live grenade.
Oh. Pirates chasing you
wasn't on your vision board?
Well, you were the only thing
on my vision board.
[Darcy grunts]
- [Darcy yelps]
- [grunts]
- I got it, I got it, I got it.
- Oh! Oh!
- You got it? You got it?
- I got it. I got it.
- Okay. I got it.
- Oh, good. Okay. Oh. [panting]
- We have a bar.
- Oh, good.
All right.
- Keep your hands with me.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Call for help.
Yes. Shit! It's gone.
- [groans]
- [Tom] Well, keep trying.
- I think, maybe...
- We have to go higher.
- What?
- Yes.
Not... No. No, no, no.
Uh, I don't like higher.
[intense music playing]
Yeah, I don't... I don't think
this thing is built to code.
- Tom.
- Anything?
No. Come on.
- Yeah.
- We're almost at the top.
Maybe we should go back down
so we're not up so high.
Don't think about the heights right now.
Okay? We're safe.
Yeah. You use the word "safe"
very loosely.
Oh, my God.
[cell phone chimes]
- Full service. Full service.
- Oh, yes.
- I have full service.
- [chiming continues]
[Tom] Whoa, whoa, whoa. Silence it.
- [whispers] I'm trying.
- [Tom shushes]
- [chiming continues]
- [birds chirping]
Your group chat is out of control.
I will not apologize
for having enthusiastic friends.
- [gunshots]
- [both yelp]
Oh! You dropped it.
- [Darcy] Come on!
- [gunshots continue]
- We gotta zip.
- Zip?
What do you mean, "zip"?
- Oh! Zip. Oh, God!
- [gunshot]
Go, go, go.
No, I don't think we have
the proper equipment.
- [gunshot]
- Well, they have guns.
[Tom] Is there some kind of a manual?
[pirate 3] Come down!
[Tom] We need helmets.
I see lots of helmets in the photos.
[Darcy grunts]
And then why do they look scared?
[Darcy] Stop thinking so much. Jump!
[Tom screaming]
- Stop screaming!
- Oh, God! Oh, my God!
Whoa!
Tom, don't let go.
- [gunshots]
- The fuck!
[both screaming]
[Tom] Hold on, baby. Hold on.
Okay.
[Tom screaming]
[grenade clatters]
[pirate 4] Uh...
- Yeah! [laughs]
- [Darcy] Yeah!
[pirate leader] What the hell was that?
- [Darcy screaming]
- [laughing]
[Tom screaming]
[Darcy] Oh, God!
- [Darcy] Oh, God!
- How do we land this thing?
Me first. I'm gonna go first.
- What about me?
- No, let me. Me first.
I'm gonna jump. I'm gonna jump.
- [Tom] Okay, okay.
- I got it. I got it.
Here I go!
[Darcy groans]
[Tom] Oh! [groaning]
[Tom panting]
[solemn music playing]
[suspenseful music playing]
[pirate leader] These people are sick.
You find them, but I kill them.
[rustling]
[pirate 2] You can have the man,
but the bride is mine.
[Darcy] Police, coast guard,
they're all right there.
- How do we get across?
- I don't know.
[Carol] Okay, let's all go around
and play two truths and a lie.
[pirate] Be quiet!
- Carol.
- Mom.
- [Darcy] Easy.
- [mumbles]
Okay, come on.
Come on, come on, come on.
[Darcy] Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. [crying]
I'm gonna fix this.
[Darcy] My poor mom.
She thought she was gonna be able
to avoid my dad all weekend.
My mom used to love my dad so much.
He was her whole world.
Then when he left, she just lost her joy.
I mean, she acts tough, but...
she never really recovered.
- Darcy, I'm sorry...
- I know.
We have to keep moving.
[both gasp]
[amusing music playing]
[whispering] What the hell does that mean?
[whispering] Kitchen.
- [door opens]
- [Tom grunts]
Okay, we need to find a knife.
- Oh. Mmm.
- What... What...
What are you doing?
I'm starving. Have you eaten today?
No, I'm not hungry.
Yes, you are. You're acting cranky.
- Mmm. Mmm! Mmm.
- [Darcy] Mmm.
- Mmm, this is so delicious.
- [indistinct radio chatter]
[Darcy gasps]
[whispering] I love your mom.
Okay, come on.
Come on. Ow! Easy, easy.
I can't cut with one hand.
Well, I can't cut with no hands.
We need to find something else.
Okay?
Something that cuts through plastic.
Hmm...
Yep.
[whirring]
- Is this a bad idea?
- Yeah.
- You ready?
- No!
Okay.
[mumbles] There you go.
[loudly] Hang on, hang on, hang on!
[groans] Darcy, you're stalling.
- I know.
- We got this.
- Okay. Yes.
- We got this.
- On my count. Ready?
- Okay.
- Yes.
- Ten, nine, eight...
Why are you counting from ten?
What is this, a rocket launch?
Okay, fine. On four.
One, two, three...
No one goes on four.
- No one goes on four.
- All right...
Shh! Shh.
- [grunts] Okay.
- Just...
- Just like a Band-Aid.
- Fine, fine.
- Ready? Go.
- Like a Band-Aid.
- [machine whines]
- [Tom screams]
- [groaning]
- [Darcy screams]
[blood dripping]
[muffled screaming]
[squeals]
[groans] Oh, my God.
Come on. [grunts]
[tense music playing]
- [sizzling]
- [liquid boiling]
[cocks gun]
Tom!
[softly] Tom.
- [dish clangs]
- [Tom grunts]
[grunts]
[pirate grunts]
[squeaking]
[both grunting]
[pirate screams]
[pirate yells]
[Tom panting]
[continues panting]
I thought you left.
What?
No.
Never.
Where'd your mom's knife go?
Oh, Jesus, help me.
[sighs in relief] That's good.
Throw me those boots.
[rousing music playing]
What?
That dress is growing on me.
Thanks.
I wanted something less traditional.
[whirring]
[intense music playing]
Yes. Maybe Margy's got
a hard line to the Internet.
Wow, does Margy love corgis.
No. Damn it.
[pirate 2] You go over there,
I'll go here.
- [pirate 5] Yeah.
- They're right there.
- What do I do?
- I don't know.
I don't know.
- [Tom gasps]
- [shushes]
- Oh, Margy.
- This way.
[Tom] Go, go, go.
Okay. I got you.
[Darcy] It's okay. It's okay.
[door closes]
Come. Faster, faster.
Ace, Margy...
- Is this your bunker?
- [Ace] Uh-huh.
- Man cave.
- Is it spinning?
Is it spinning for anyone else?
You're losing blood. Sit down.
- Sit down. Okay.
- Bandages. Ace.
[Ace] I'll get the medical kit.
Give me your hand. I'm gonna wrap it.
No. No, no, no. No.
Are you sure? It's disgusting.
Yeah.
Oh. Cheers.
[shudders] Okay.
[groans] Looks like it's got a flap.
It's got a loose flap.
- Listen, just be...
- [Darcy] Mm-hmm.
Just... Just be careful with the flap.
Please stop saying "flap," okay?
I'm totally fine. Just don't say flap.
- [Margy] How many are there?
- Uh...
Two in the lobby.
Couple more by the pool with the hostages.
And, uh, one by the dock, right?
But we got four.
What do you mean, "got"?
Got them to stop, you know,
being alive.
Holy shit.
[Tom] Well, yeah, we didn't see
any of your staff, though.
I saw them getting locked up in the spa.
They never bother with the locals.
Americans are the rich idiots. No offense.
I just don't understand
why the pirates are still here.
Last time, they just looted the rooms.
Twenty minutes, gone. [sighs]
What do you mean, "last time"?
Last year. [speaking Filipino]
[in English] Two thousand islands
in the Philippines,
and they hit us twice?
- It's not fair.
- Wait, wait.
The pirates were here last summer?
And you let us have our wedding here?
What? Tom-Tom. We talked about it, huh?
You knew about this?
Well, first of all,
nobody got killed last summer.
And we both agreed that
the chances of it happening again
were very small.
- Who's "we"?
- Me and Margy.
We e-mailed a lot,
and I asked a lot of
tough questions, didn't I?
How could you not tell me about this?
You didn't tell me that
you were having doubts
about getting married, so...
Yeah, you're right. I didn't.
You know why?
Because all last year,
you were in your head about everything.
You thought my dad didn't like you,
so you started acting all weird.
And now my dad doesn't like you.
You thought the Robins
were gonna drop you.
And then you started playing badly,
and they did drop you.
You think that something bad
is gonna happen,
and then you make it happen.
That's called self-sabotage.
It is. Ace, thank you.
And all you were excited about
was this wedding.
And I knew that if I told you
that I was having doubts,
that you would sabotage
our whole relationship.
Which you did anyway!
I didn't sabotage anything.
I tried to make this wedding perfect.
And it all got ruined the day
your boy Sean showed up.
This has nothing to do with Sean.
This is about your insecurities.
And this whole wedding
was your way of trying
to get control of your life,
because you have to control everything.
It's like when you get out of the car
to "help me" parallel park,
when I can do it just fine on my own.
Yeah, I wouldn't call
a 17-point turn "just fine."
Well, those jeans you bought
from Old Navy last month
were women's jeans.
Uh...
Well, I found them in the men's section.
They made you look like Stevie Nicks.
That haircut that you got last year,
I hated it.
It made your head look square.
You looked like a fucking Simpson.
You said it was chic.
You act so confident,
so strong,
but you're just a scared little girl.
You're afraid to go all in
on this relationship
because it means you might
have something to lose.
[breath trembling]
Well, you know what?
None of it matters anyway.
Because everyone we love could die.
Because of me.
[Margy gasps]
[Tom shushes]
[radio crackles]
[pirate 2] I think they're
in the manager's house.
[all gasp]
- [door creaks]
- [shushes]
[door closes]
[footsteps overhead]
[indistinct radio chatter]
[whispering] I think they heard it.
[whispering] Why?
They stopped speaking English.
Here. Take it.
[Margy whispering] Don't. Tom.
We need to get out of here.
Where does this tunnel go?
It leads straight to the pool
where the rest of the pirates are.
Oh, that's not ideal.
[indistinct radio chatter]
What are they saying?
No clue.
I don't know what language that is,
but it ain't Filipino.
- No.
- No.
No one move. Stay right here.
Nobody move.
[Darcy] What are you doing?
[suspenseful music playing]
Okay.
They know someone's here,
but they don't know all of us are.
You stay here until it's over.
Tom!
Tom! They're gonna kill you.
- Don't do this.
- [Tom] I have to.
This isn't about us anymore. This is...
[sighs] This whole thing is my fault.
You deserve better.
Wait, Tom!
[grunts]
[groans]
Uh... Oh, hey.
Hey, pirates!
I'm Tom, the groom you guys
have been looking for,
and I am officially surrendering.
- [pirate 2] Shut up!
- [Tom] All right.
What, you don't like
to be called "pirates"?
I wanted to be a pirate when I was a kid,
and you guys are actually doin' it.
- [pirate 2] Move.
- [Tom] You're livin' the dream.
Congratulations.
They didn't kill him. Oh, my God.
He's still alive.
[pirate 2] Go!
Keep going. Just move.
[Carol] Tommy. Oh, my God.
It's Tommy. Tommy!
- [all clamoring]
- Shut up!
- Tommy, where is Darcy?
- Shut up!
[pirate leader] Yes. Where is your bride?
- I... I don't know.
- [stapler clicks]
Truly. Honestly. I... I... I don't.
For reals. I don't...
I don't... I don't know.
You're a bad liar.
Yeah, he is a bad liar.
Tom, if you know something,
the best thing you can do is cooperate.
All they want is the money.
You know what? Thank you, Sean,
as always, for being the voice of reason.
Enough!
- [guns cock]
- [guests gasp]
- Okay, fine!
- [Larry] Okay.
I'll tell you where she is.
[tense music playing]
[whispers] Katuk kak ci.
- [pirate leader] What?
- [grunts]
[guests exclaim]
Holy shit. What did you say to him?
[Tom] It's kind of an inside joke, Sean.
Can you give me a hand?
I'm a little woozy.
[Sean] 'Course, man. Here, I got you.
- Whoa, whoa! Whoa!
- [all screaming]
- [gun cocks]
- What the hell are you doing?
Don't move or I swear to God,
you'll lose an eye.
Tommy, what are you doing?
Are you gonna spill the beans or should I?
What beans?
[crying] Just spill the beans.
Sean hired these guys
to invade our wedding
to take Robert's money!
[Sean] Whoa. No, no, no, no, Tom.
No, it's true.
[Sean] That is a serious accusation,
but it's okay,
'cause jealousy can get
the best of any of us.
Oh, no, no, no. I'm not jealous.
- [guests murmur]
- [Renata] Kind of.
It is completely normal
for you to see me as a threat
because Deedee and I
- had something transcendent.
- [scoffs]
But I am not a bad guy.
And I definitely don't have
anything to do with these pirates.
Oh, yeah? Then why did he deck me
when I told him to go fuck his grandpa?
Just listen. Listen to yourself.
I said it in Balinese.
These guys are not local.
They're from Bali.
Margy said the local pirates
just looted and left last time.
It took 'em, like, 20 minutes.
Oh, God. "Last time"?
We were clearly targeted.
This whole thing was planned.
They knew about Robert's money.
And none of it made sense
until I found this.
[Sean grunting]
Ricky, grab my... Grab the... the...
- [Ricky] Yeah, yeah.
- In my front pocket. Grab...
There's an envelope in my front pocket.
- [all exclaiming]
- Just grab it!
There you go.
A-ha!
[pirate leader] Slow, slow. Go slow.
[Tom laughs]
Your wedding invitation?
[Tom] Yes, but I got it off
of one of these guys.
Now, how did they get that invitation?
- [Carol] I don't know.
- [Larry] Uh...
It had to be given to him
by an invited guest.
Now, what invited guest
could that be? Huh?
Ricky, op... open it.
A-ha!
This asshat thought it was appropriate
to show up to a wedding he didn't RSVP to!
He didn't RSVP!
Mom, that's not the main issue right now.
Look, I'm a mother. I can be upset
about a lot of things at the same time.
I think, right now, we should be upset
about one thing.
- Oh, okay.
- [Tom] Sean had these guys
crash our wedding
so that he could get a big fat ransom
from his best friend, Robert.
[guests exclaiming]
Huh? Yeah!
- [Sean] Bob... Bob.
- [Tom] Yes!
This is because I didn't give you
that investment money
you wanted, isn't it?
- Yeah.
- No, no, it's not like that.
- [exclaims in Spanish]
- How could... Papi.
How could you believe
that I would come here and betray ev...
[Tom] Believe it, Robert. Believe it.
- That's right. That's right.
- Shit.
- [grunts]
- [all gasp]
[guests clamoring]
See? See, I told ya! I told ya!
[Margy] These lanterns are so intricate.
Is there a note in it?
"Be excellent to each other."
- [Ace] Hmm.
- [Margy] Hmm. Huh.
[wheezing cry]
It's from Bill and Ted's
Excellent Adventure.
Tom wanted to put a movie quote
in each one of the lanterns, and I...
I thought it was stupid, but it's not.
It's sweet.
And I messed it all up.
I don't know how you guys do it.
You must have something
really special. [sniffles]
- Not really.
- Oi.
Uh, I mean, it is special
but it is not magic.
We just made a vow.
And we've messed things up
thousands of times.
But when we break something, we fix it.
[patting Margy]
[dramatic music playing]
[Margy] Darcy, we come with you,
but we don't want to.
Tommy finally made the big leagues.
Yeah, I never heard that one before.
I know you haven't.
- Where is she?
- I don't know.
I don't... I... I don't... I don't know.
- You're lying.
- No, I'm... I'm... Honestly,
- I don't know.
- Okay.
- [grunts]
- [guests exclaiming]
God damn it!
- Would you stop doing that?
- [Caro] Yeah.
- He'll do it again.
- [Tom] Fine. Fine.
I was lying.
[guests agreeing]
After we cut ourselves loose,
Darcy and I got into a fight.
She hopped in a golf cart
to go look for cell reception
up by the northern coast
near the cliffs, and then I...
I came back here
to try to rescue everyone.
[Ricky] Come on!
Okay.
[sighs]
[pirate leader]
We'll take the chopper to find her.
I'm comin' with you.
I've been watching you
mess this up all day.
This is my show now.
[mouthing] Wow, that's really good.
We're doing this my way now. You got it?
We need collateral.
[unsettling music playing]
Get the girlfriend.
- [all clamoring]
- [pirate 1] Hey. Come.
- Here. Move!
- Ow! Hey.
Oh, no.
- [pirate 1] Go. Move!
- Please, I'm a Gemini.
I bruise easily.
- [pirate 1] Go!
- [Harriett] Ow! Ow! Ow!
- Oh, my God!
- [Sean] Robert? Robert!
When I get back,
that money better be in my account.
And if it's not, she's dead.
And I treated you just like a son.
- You're stuck with Tommy now.
- Robert.
- Well, what's wrong with that?
- Fuck off.
- [dramatic music playing]
- [imperceptible]
[soft thud]
[thud]
[pirates chattering]
[indistinct chatter]
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- [cocks gun]
- [all exclaiming]
Darcy...
Tom, you promised you wouldn't
leave my side this weekend.
Darcy, what are you doing?
Tom, listen.
I'm still mad at you
for picking this pirate island,
but I messed up too.
I should've told you...
how scared I was to get married.
That wasn't fair.
You worked so hard
on this pirate island wedding.
Okay, no, no, no.
Please stop calling it that.
I just worried that if I told you...
that I would lose you.
And I can't lose you.
I need you.
Okay?
[shouts] Okay?
- [all clamor]
- Okay.
- Okay.
- [Tom] Okay.
This is so much better than South Pacific.
And Mom, Dad?
- [all exclaiming]
- [Jamie screams]
Whoa!
- [Ricky] Babe.
- What the fuck?
Did you just shoot me?
Stop shooting your sister!
I didn't mean to. It was a mistake. I...
[all gasp]
Mom, Dad, apologize to Tom.
- What? Why?
- What?
For criticizing this beautiful wedding
that he planned,
and for never making him
feel welcome in our family.
And for inviting Sean to our wedding.
Okay, honey, but I think there's
- a more pressing issue...
- Apologize!
- [all exclaiming]
- He is the best person
that I know.
And if you say one more bad thing
about him,
I swear I will shoot you
like I shot Jamie.
Tom, I'm sorry. Sorry.
- Tom, sorry. Sorry.
- We love you.
- Oh, hey, it's fine.
- You're the best person
- I've ever met.
- [Tom] It's okay. I love you.
- We love you like family.
- I love you, too.
- All right. It's all good.
- I love this place. Beautiful.
And, Carol, Larry...
- [all gasp]
- I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
This was more about me and my family,
but we should get lunch sometime.
- I would...
- Oh, yeah,
- lunch sounds great. Yeah.
- We love eating.
It's hard for anyone to live up
to your perfect marriage.
[chuckles] Who told you
we had a perfect marriage?
Oh, come on, Mom.
You guys fought, like, once.
It was about who loved the dog more.
I mean, what is not perfect
about your marriage?
Well, I made love to your Aunt Marie.
- [all exclaiming]
- [Ricky] What?
- [Larry] Yeah.
- [Carol] Then I went out
and started doing all this weird sex stuff
with Jim Roberts.
[Larry] Yeah. You and Jim Roberts
- went on for a couple months.
- [Carol] Yes.
- Because our bodies just fit.
- [man] Holy...
[Carol] In the end,
Jim Roberts just wasn't your dad.
And Aunt Marie realized
that she had a sex addiction.
But then you know what? We worked it out.
These are some incredible breakthroughs,
- right? I mean...
- [pirate 2] Give me that!
[all screaming]
You remember me, huh?
Look, you burn my face. Huh?
Yes, I know. I still feel
really bad about that.
Everybody, in the pool! Now!
- [fires gun]
- [all screaming]
Get in the pool! In!
Go! Go!
[Tom panting]
- Hey, you okay?
- Yes.
- Yeah?
- Are we missing people?
Yeah. Turns out
your boy Sean's an asshole.
We have the bride.
- [helicopter whirring]
- [on radio] Do you copy?
Do you copy?
Up! Up!
- [indistinct talking]
- Listen to me. Move.
Balinese? So these guys are Balinese?
And Sean is full of shit,
and they took Harriett hostage?
It doesn't make sense.
Why would Sean take Harriett hostage
on the helicopter
when she was already
being held hostage here?
I don't know. Maybe he wanted
to take her extra hostage.
[Larry] I think Harriett is in on it.
- [Tom] What?
- [Darcy] What do you mean?
Harriett and Sean...
are boyfriend-girlfriend.
- Oh, come on.
- Boyfriend-girlfriend?
[Larry] No, no. Look.
This is from last night.
Here we go. [grunts]
[Latin dance music playing]
Let's see.
Uh, hold on. Let me find it.
Oh. Oh, boy.
Yeah. There you go.
[all exclaim]
What? Go ahead. Say it.
Roberto...
Lo siento.
Gracias.
De nada.
[dramatic music playing]
[pirate leader] There!
Sean, you promised
this job would make us rich.
So far, all it's done
is killed four of my men.
Man, you know we can fix this.
Deal is off. I keep the money.
You walk away with your life.
I don't wanna hear it.
You and I had an arrangement.
Sean, be reasonable. He saved us.
- We're lucky to be alive.
- What are you talking about?
Listen to your woman.
- [yelps]
- Oh.
It's okay. It's just a pressure point.
Relax.
Just breathe into it.
What?
What?
Take us back down.
We'll finish the job ourselves.
- Babe.
- What?
- Excellent idea.
- Yeah, I know.
[screams] I have to do everything myself!
What are we gonna do?
They'll be back any minute.
- Just...
- [pirate 2] Hey, hey, hey!
No whispers.
Or I throw grenade in the pool.
[whispering] Okay.
Go with me, okay?
Just go with me.
[in normal tone] Hey, everybody.
Look, I know this may
not be the best time,
but this may be our only chance
to have our wedding.
What do you say, Darcy?
Yeah, I... I love it.
Can... Can we do bride's side on the left
and groom's on the right?
[all agreeing]
Hey, Margy, will you officiate?
[pirate 2] Hey, will you stop?
Stop it! Stop it now!
[Robert] Wait, wait. If...
If you let my daughter have her wedding,
I'll... I'll release the funds.
Okay, let's go.
Let's go.
Thanks, Dad.
It's okay, princess.
There are some things
that are more important than money.
I don't know what they are,
but I think, uh...
[Darcy sighs]
Hope you know what you're doing.
[Carol hums]
The strands in your eyes
They color them wonderful
Stops me
And steals my breath
[both]
Emeralds from mountains
Thrust from the sky
Never revealing their depth
And tell me
We belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated
I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows
Of heartaches
That hang from above
And I'll be your cryin' shoulder
I'll be love's suicide
And I'll be better
When I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life
And I'll be your cryin' shoulder
I'll be love's suicide
- And I'll be
- [Renata] I'll be
Better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life
I'll be
[clamoring]
[Carol screaming]
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- [cocks gun]
I think you'd regret that.
[all gasp]
[pirate 2] Oh! No, no. Stop.
I'm fairly new to grenades.
But I'm pretty sure that if you shoot me,
this springy thing pops off,
and then this thing blows us all away.
- Ain't that right, babe?
- That's right, baby.
- [pirate 2] No, no, no.
- [woman] What the...
Drop the guns.
- [pirate 2] No.
- [grunts]
[all screaming and clamoring]
[muffled screaming]
I can't throw that far.
It won't reach him.
[cocks gun]
Nobody fucks with my family.
[rock music playing]
Darcy? Give me a meatball.
- [gun clicks]
- Shit.
[all exclaim]
[all exclaiming]
[fireworks whistling]
I know where to go!
Let's get moving! Out of the pool!
- [Tom] Yeah!
- Come on! Come, come, come!
[Darcy] Get out of the pool! Come on!
- [Tom] Yeah, let's go.
- [Ace] Margy! The spa!
[Darcy] It's safe in the spa!
[Harriett] They should've been
killing hostages every hour.
Killing people works, Sean.
- Fuck.
- Look, give me one chance
to convince Darcy.
- All right? One.
- Fine. One chance.
Thank you, baby.
This is not a moment right now, Sean.
- Move, come on! Come on!
- [pirate] All right!
Mom! Mom, we're gonna go get help.
I need you to take care of them.
Can you do that?
And Carol...
thank you for the cake knife.
I fucking love this cake knife.
[Carol chuckles]
["No ordinary" by Labrinth playing]
It's just you and me now. Let's go.
Yeah
Yeah, me in awe of you now
Hmm
- This song call
- Unconditional
- This show no devotion
- Devotion
Got my heart so wide open
Lifting my spirit
Like a Holy Ghost
- All this
- All this love, love
- No ordinary love
- Ordinary love
Yeah
La, la, la, la La-la-la-la
[phone camera clicks]
Ah, la, la, la, la
La-la-la-la
La, la, la, la La-la-la-la
La, la, la, la
La-la-la-la-love
La-la, la-la, la-la, la-la
La, la, la, la La-la-la-la
[imperceptible]
I need you in my arm
Yeah, yeah
Hey
All this no ordinary love
Love, love, love, love
Yeah
[Tom] Hey, wasn't this
the plan with too many steps?
You did this for me?
[Tom] Is this what you wanted?
Just you and me
in the middle of the ocean?
Darcy, I'm sorry
I stopped listening to you.
I just thought that
if I planned the perfect wedding,
we could have the perfect marriage, but...
But that doesn't exist.
I mean, look at my parents.
My Aunt Marie, the sex addict.
I just wanna be with you.
All that matters is you.
We don't ever have to get married.
And if we survive this thing,
can we just...
Can we start over?
- [gunshots]
- [Darcy screams]
[Tom] Go, go, go, go.
[Sean] Deedee, listen to me!
Deedee, this is
a huge misunderstanding, all right?
Let's go back to the resort,
talk this over. I do not want to hurt you.
Then stop shooting at us, asshole!
And stop calling her Deedee!
- [Darcy] Fuck!
- Oh, Jesus!
This thing is awful!
[screaming] Yeah!
Asshole! Fuckin' leave! What the fuck?
God, I can't believe you, Sean!
When did you turn into such a monster?
[Sean] I am not a monster!
I'm an entrepreneur!
I think I'm out of ammo.
- Are you sure?
- Not at all.
Hey.
- Yeah.
- [Sean] I don't wanna do this.
- [gunshot]
- I'm a good guy, damn it!
[gunshots]
- [gun clicking]
- Shit.
[Sean] Your boat's dead.
We're both out of ammo. Let's just go back
and we can work this whole thing out.
[breathing heavily]
[grunts]
[both grunting]
[engine starts]
[Darcy] Tom!
[Tom grunts]
[Tom] Go, go!
[tense music playing]
[Sean yells]
[helicopter whirring]
[intense music playing]
Darcy, turn this boat around right now.
[Darcy] No.
You're a piece of shit, Sean,
but I know you can't kill me.
You're right.
But I would love to kill this guy.
You just keep messing things up, man.
This is on you.
I don't wanna do this. I'm a good guy.
No, you're not.
All right, you're right. I'm not.
[Darcy shrieks]
[Tom gasps]
- [engine revs]
- [Sean screams]
[music continues]
[both grunting]
[whimpers]
Sean!
[grunting continues]
You were a pity invite!
- [Darcy grunts]
- Shit!
Whoa! Whoa!
No! Fuck!
[groans]
[Sean and Tom grunting]
[Tom screams]
[yelps]
- [gunshot]
- [yelps]
Is that a wad of loose hair?
[Tom] Custom-made hair!
[Tom grunts]
[heroic music playing]
[gasps]
[Tom laughs]
[intense music playing]
- Get down!
- [screams]
Oh, frick.
[Sean screams]
[Tom] Hold on.
Oh, shit.
[Darcy shrieks]
[engine whines]
[Darcy gasps]
Holy shit.
["No ordinary" by Labrinth playing]
So when I asked you before
if we could start over...
I don't wanna start over.
I wanna keep going.
[tender music playing]
Tom Fowler,
will you marry me?
Are you sure?
You're not scared?
I'm terrified. [breath trembling]
Life is always gonna be chaotic.
But what I know for sure...
is that I wanna go through
all of it with you.
It's simple, really. [sniffles]
Just a plan with one step.
Still fits.
[sentimental music playing]
[Jamie softly] Stop. Be quiet.
[cheering and applauding]
- [firework exploding]
- [all screaming]
Shit! Sorry! Sorry!
There was one firework left
and I thought it would be fun,
and beautiful, and poignant,
- but it was absolutely not!
- [laughing]
- [Margy laughs]
- Come here.
[intro to "Walk Like An Egyptian" playing]
[fast-forwarding]
All the old paintings
On the tomb
They do the sand dance,
Don't you know
If you move too fast
[all] Oh-way-oh
They're falling down
Like a domino
All the bazaar men
By the Nile
They got the money On a bet
Gold crocodiles
[all] Oh-way-oh
They snap their teeth
On your cigarette
Foreign types
With the hookah pipes say
[all] Way-oh-way-oh
Way-oh-way-oh
Walk like an Egyptian
[all cheering]
The blonde waitresses
Take their trays
They spin around
And they cross the floor
They've got the moves
[all] Oh-way-oh
All the school kids
So sick of books
They like the punk
And the metal band
I do not know what to do
I drank so much
Oh, my God, I'm sick
All the kids
In the marketplace say
[all] Way-oh-way-oh
Way-oh-way-oh
Walk like an Egyptian
[all cheering]
I'm down
For the way he feels
[instrumental break]
Whoo!
[whistling verse tune]
Make sure the batteries work.
I'm so sorry that I invited two con men
to your wedding.
And I don't know
if I'm attracted to toxic people,
or toxic people are attracted to me.
- [song ends]
- [all cheering]
[instrumental music playing]