Showdown in Secret City (2026) Movie Script

1
(relaxed music)
(sledgehammers clank)
(blues guitar)
(ominous music)
(wind howls) (ominous music)
(match sparks)
(ominous music) (man spits)
- Jack Candy?
- Yeah.
- Jack Candy from Boston?
- What the hell?
- I'm assuming you don't
remember me, do you, Mr. Candy?
- No, sir, I do not.
- Well, you and my father
went to university together.
Oliver Huntington.
- Ollie, Ollie's little boy?
Billy?
Why, I remember you running
around like a wild Indian
in your knickers.
What the hell are you doing
out here in West Virginia?
- It's William now.
- Oh.
- And yes, it is so good to see you.
And, (chuckles) forgive my manners.
This is Ms. Veronique Louise,
the famous French
acrobat and contortionist.
- Ms. Veronica.
(Ms. Veronique speaks French)
- Well, Mr. Candy, if you
will forgive my bluntness
in skipping past the pleasantries.
- Please, call me Jack.
- (sighs) Fine.
Jack, wonderful.
Well, Jack, listen.
In recent years,
my financial situation
you can say has become
quite favorable.
After investing and pursuing
a career in mechanical engineering,
I've found myself in a bit of fortune.
But money, Jack,
and money alone cannot
satiate my appetites.
I enjoy thrilling things.
Adventure, showmanship,
gambling, and fascinating women.
(William chuckles)
- Well, if you're looking
for adventure out here,
I'm afraid you're in for a disappointment.
We've got nothing out
here, but misery, sweat.
(fly buzzes)
And a whole lot of death.
- Well, if you'll forgive me for saying so,
I fear you may be a tad
short-sighted on the fortunes
that lie before your very eyes.
- Oh, how so?
- Jack, my good sir, we are
in the company of giants.
- Giants?
You mean John Henry?
Y'all heard about John Henry?
- Heard of John Henry...
Why, the legend of John
Henry has reached far and wide.
Yes, even to Boston.
America's strongest man.
The south's strongest negro.
Why, the Civil War avenger.
- The Civil War what? (chuckles)
Now, John Henry ain't no
international superstar like you
and Ms. Veronica right here.
- Merci.
- Why, he's from New Jersey.
I don't know how I can help you.
I mean, I don't own John Henry.
John Henry is a free man, he's not a slave.
- Of course, of course I
understand that completely.
- Well, I suggest then,
if you've got to talk to John Henry about,
you go down there and talk to John Henry.
He might get a good
laugh out of it, who knows.
- Okay, well, as always,
it is a pleasure, Mr... Jack.
- [Jack] William.
- Hello, John Henry.
My name is William Huntington.
This is the famous French
acrobat Ms. Veronique Louise.
We've heard so many things about you.
- Madam.
(Ms. Veronique speaks French)
- Well, let me cut to
the chase, time is money.
People... Americans, John,
love legends, underdogs, heroes.
I feel I'm looking at a hero,
the next American hero.
- I'm the next American hero?
- Why, yes, I believe you
could be, my good man.
You see this big horrible
nasty machine over there?
A loud, obnoxious thing.
Well, that is a steam drill.
Top of the line, my own design.
You see, my men assembled
this in Baltimore, Maryland.
And then it was hauled down here
by way of my father's C&O railroad.
The very railroad that
holds your employ, John.
And then it was reassembled
right here in beautiful
West Virginia.
And that horrible, awful
machine over there wants
to pose a challenge
to the great John Henry.
- Well, what does it have in mind?
- Oh why, a test of strength, of course.
15 minutes burrowing into a cave wall.
And whoever, or whatever should penetrate
the deepest wins the contest.
And John, you are a man, by reputation,
that no doubt penetrates deeply.
(fly buzzes)
- [John Henry] Tell your
contraption you've got a deal.
- [William] Wonderful,
wonderful, wonderful news, sir.
We shall go first, Mr. Henry. (laughs)
Good luck to you, my friend.
- (laughs) A $100.
Can you believe it, a $100?
- Oh, man, that's easy money for you, man.
- [Speaker] Let's get this one, yeah.
(men speak indistinctly)
- [Polly] John, come with me.
- Listen, you go get as many
photos of John as you can.
Capture him next to
some of the smaller men.
Write lots of flowery speeches,
and make up tall tales about
his feats of strength, okay.
I want people in the railroad
industry to think we came
down south and defeated a Dixie god.
If we can defeat what we purport
to be the new world Hercules,
we'll start selling things by
the hundreds in a fortnight.
So get to it.
- Yes, sir.
- Put this around your neck.
(transcendental music)
- I don't even no believe
in no Santeria stuff.
- Oh, John, do it for me.
I don't want anything to happen to you.
- Baby, you're all the luck I need.
- [Polly] Just be careful.
(machine hisses) (man speaks indistinctly)
- No, this can't be happening.
(men cough) (man speaks indistinctly)
(men cough)
- We pushed it too hard.
(slap wacks) (man groans)
- We don't need excuses, I need results.
- We oiled it, we lubricated it.
We made sure every... Ah.
(machine hisses)
- You have disappointed
me for the last time.
- [John Henry] Sir?
- (chuckles) John, yes.
Yes, why, it is your turn.
Did anybody get how deep the drill went?
Anyone, anyone?
- [Speaker] 11,75.
- Well, it would seem, sir,
you have 11 minutes to go 12 inches.
- Now, wait, you said-
- It's Mr. Huntington to you.
And John, that's bad form.
Now, we wouldn't the people in Boston
to think you're bad sport.
Besides, surely the great
John Henry can annihilate
that record.
So, are your men set?
Yes?
Great.
(chuckles) All right,
Johnny, go make us proud.
[Speaker] Steady, steady.
- You got this, John.
- Let's go, John.
- Steady.
Steady.
Go.
(gun blasts)
(intense music)
- [Speaker] John, you ain't gonna make it.
You need to take this.
(intense music)
I will drive this steel
even if I get killed
Steamdrill lookin weak beside the real
12 pound hammer crack
it granite doing damage
Man verses Machine
This is work that I can manage
I survived the evil
The masters and disasters
Steam Engine fast, John Henry is faster
- 13 and three quarter inches.
John wins, John wins.
(intense music) (crowd cheers and applauds)
(heartbeat pounds)
(men cheer and applaud) (heartbeat pounds)
(men applaud) (celebratory gunshot)
(men applaud) (celebratory gunshot)
(screen rings)
- [Spoony] John, John.
Oh no...
- John, you all right, brother?
- Get a doctor!
- You all right, brother?
[Spoony] John.
- Hey, John.
John, hey.
Hey, hey, get up, man.
(machine hisses)
(people speak indistinctly)
(woman wails)
- I won.
(woman wails)
- Come on, buddy.
Get up, man.
Come on, man.
Come on, man.
Come on, come on.
- Please help him.
- Come on, get up, man.
- John.
You can't leave us, John.
- [Spoony] Come on, doc.
(woman wails)
- If John Henry can't beat the machines,
what hope do we have?
- [Woman] (wails) Oh God.
John! (wails)
Man what the hell these
old fools talking about
They worried about technology and shit
Man y'all know Big 'N Funky got this
Wait
What you trying to tell me
You don't know who Big 'N Funky is?
Jesus Chr
Big 'N Funky
The filmmakers the wrestlers
the comedians ghost hunters,
The musicians
I mean all around bad motherfuckers
Let me tell you the
tale of Big 'N Funky
Versus the Oak Ridge supercomputer
You're gonna dig this shit
Lights camera action
Getting ready for the show
Big 'N Funky Productions
Everybody knows
With a touch of
flair and a lot of style
They're bringing the magic
Making you smile
Big 'N Funky they got what you need
From the big screen to the
stage they always succeed
Big 'N Funky put on a show
with creativity and passion
They steal the spotlights' glow
From comedies to dramas they do it all
Big 'N Funky Productions standing tall
With a vision so bold
and a heart so true
They're changing the
game with every view
When the curtains rise
and the lights are bright
Big 'N Funky steady
bringing dreams to light
With a groove so deep
and a beat so strong
They're the masters of the craft
They can't go wrong
Big 'N Funky they got what you need
From the big screen to the
stage they always succeed
Big 'N Funky put on a show
with creativity and passion
They steal the spotlights' glow
So if you're looking for the best
You know who to call
Big 'N Funky Productions
They'll bring it on
With a touch of funk and a lot of heart
Big 'N Funky Productions
It's a work of art
(funky music)
(eerie music)
(Luke gasps)
- Luke, are you okay?
- Yeah.
I just remembered I have a
cheeseburger in my backpack.
(knock on the door) (eerie music)
(knock on the door) (eerie music)
(knock on the door) (eerie music)
(knock on the door) (eerie music)
(men laugh hauntingly)
(door knob rattles)
(door creaks)
(men laugh hauntingly)
(knock on the floor) (man moans)
(man moans) (eerie music)
- [Funkmaster V] These are very wet.
(eerie music)
(man moans) (eerie music)
(alarm rings)
- What the hell is that?
Are we stopping production?
- I got two draw fours.
(Vinnie scoffs)
- Hey, what the hell's going on?
- No, Lolly.
- What's going on with her?
- She's going through a lot right now.
- Oh God.
Hey, we're in the middle of a shoot.
What the hell was that?
- They called it over the headphones.
The producers are pulling the plug.
- We've got bloody producers?
- We have headphones?
- Hey, my hookers and blow!
Where's my hookers and blow?
- You know little people freak me out, man.
- Follow Vinnie.
- No, don't follow Vinnie.
I'm sick of carrying
these movies on my back.
I tell you what, talk to
Kandy and Travis this film.
They're nice people.
Dammit Luke.
I said don't look at me.
- Hi, my name is Brittany, and
this is my colleague Vienna.
We are both film students at
Roane State Community College.
And we are doing a film
project on legendary filmmakers,
Big 'N Funky Productions.
- These guys are losers.
- Oh my goodness, she is joking.
They are wonderful.
They have films streaming
all over the world.
- (scoffs) I am not
joking, these guys suck.
They have this one movie, "The Hike."
It's got an IMDB score of 2.4.
It's almost as bad as
"Manos The Hands of Fate"
in that "Snow White" movie
that everybody review bombed.
- We are just so happy
to be able to capture
their brilliance on film.
- She mispronounced shittiness.
- No, Brittany, I am mad.
I mean, somebody pulled the plug on our...
Somebody pulled the plug on our shoot.
And that would make them like the boss.
As far as I know, I'm the boss.
We got a meeting with a
talent agent named Babs Booker
in like two hours.
First of all, none of us
even have a talent agent.
I don't even think any of
us really have any talent.
So I don't know what the
hell they want us to do.
I think this is all a scam.
I think, or Vinnie's messing with us.
One or the other.
- Do I type the HTTPS thing?
- Yes.
- Okay.
What's my username?
- Withering Heights, 666,
exclamation point, exclamation
point, Tom Hardy, 66-
- What?
- Exclamation point Abbey Road-
- Whoa, just choose mine.
- Okay.
- What is it?
- Oh, it's Captaindongcopter@meatspin.gov.
- Ew.
Dot gov, that's a government email address?
- Yeah.
- Is there any other
usernames we would like to use?
- We're not using mine.
- Jason Momoa lust 1988.
Randiest bloke on this here
blue bleeding marble, innit he?
- What does it matter with you?
Why are you talking like this?
- Me mom was from Worcestenshinshire,
Me father is Paul McCartney.
Maybe it was Roger Waters.
Or maybe it was Geezer Butler.
Either way, my mom had
a thing for bassists, innit?
- Kandi is from North Carolina.
Her parents are straight up hillbillies.
I think she's just doing this British thing
just to impress the documentary film crew.
- God, I love us. (laptop rings)
- Oh wow, the whole gang is here.
Hi, guys.
- [Altogether] Hey.
- It is such an honor
to finally meet you all.
- So, hey lady.
So, why are you shutting our movie down?
We've never even seen you before.
- Oh, hello, Travis.
I'm surprised you're
not rubbing your nipples
and sexually molesting our furniture.
I'm just kidding.
Absolutely loved your
performance in "WJHC AM."
Yours was probably my favorite part.
Jack Lowe Jr, a Christian sex addict.
Marvelous, so brave.
Oh, and Vinnie, I remember
your bare buttocks in "WJHC AM."
That was a very brave choice.
Very.
Oh, and there's bra tag Kandi.
How brave of you to run
half naked through the woods
with your bra tag showing on film.
Ah, so Brave.
And Big Luke, I admire your
large penis in "Camp Smokey."
- Yeah.
- It's a prosthetic.
- Dude!
- I don't have a lot of time today, guys,
but I wanted to be able to tell you
that you are amazingly
talented and very brave.
The way that you guys just make movies
that make little to no sense
outside of your little tiny fan base.
We and the others at Todd Turner films
are huge fans of your work.
- Wait a minute, you mean the Todd?
- Yes, and he loves you all and your work.
And you're all fired.
- [Luke & Vinnie] What?
- This is because I didn't
show my frosted cupcakes
in "The Hike," innit?
- Your movies are too
esoteric to be financially viable.
You have released three very brave movies,
that have proved to be
three very brave bombs.
Each film bombed harder
than the last, in fact.
- Now, wait a minute.
We don't even know who
you are or what you are.
What are you talking about?
- Now look, we are Big
'N Funky Productions.
It's just us.
- We pay for everything ourselves.
What are you talking about?
- That's not technically true.
Do you remember entering a film fest
in St. Petersburg, Russia
for your film "The Hike,"
called the ADIFF Film Fest?
- Yeah, we won best minority
film by an all white cast.
Oh, we also got third place in best gaffer.
- Congratulations on that.
But in the fine print,
as humans like to call it,
it is stated that by entering the contest,
that you are signing over all
rights to the film "The Hike,"
as well as any future
productions and assets
over to Todd Turner films.
We are a movie house based in Russia.
(toilet explodes)
- Russia?
Todd's from Maynardville, Tennessee.
I used to go to church with that character.
- Oi, why don't you leave us alone
to make our own bleeding movie?
We cough up the cash, we roll the camera.
What's got your knickers in a twist?
- Look, the scene today
that you filmed with the baby
and the Uno cards, what was
that even supposed to mean?
How is that gonna trend?
What is the target demographic?
- It's about the hypocrisy
of the oligarchies
and the royal ruling elite.
- No it's not.
- It's about the divinity of Christ.
- (chuckles) No.
- It's about babies playing cards, man.
And boobies.
- You think everything's about boobies?
- Everything is about boobies.
- Calculating, calculating.
- Calculating?
- Calculating.
Interesting.
I've got some really good news.
You guys do not have to be fired.
Actually, I can get you some more funding.
A lot more funding.
- How much more funding?
- $1,200.
- [Altogether] $1,200?
- 1,200 pounds.
- I'm gonna buy me a new mink.
- I'm gonna tear down my
shitty trailer in the woods,
and I'm gonna put up a less
shitty trailer in the woods.
- Wait, wait, wait.
- There is no catch.
But you will have to
scrap your current movie
and focus on an entirely new
script for Todd Turner films.
- Wait, a new movie?
- I'll have my people email your people.
Is your email address still
sexyslut69@hookers247.com?
- That's my mother's.
- One more thing.
You guys aren't writing the movie.
I am assigning an artificial intelligence
to write the movie for you.
- Wait, like a computer program?
- You mean a Rochester calculating box,
like we call it in the UK.
- It's a computer program that knows more
about what humans want than humans do.
A script written by a computer program
that analyzes all the current trends
over all social media sites.
It's gonna be an
international hit, guaranteed.
- But the art.
- The art went out the window
when you made three bestiality jokes
in three different movies.
It's time to let Mother drive the car.
So, I'll have the computer contact you all.
You're all gonna be famous.
Good luck!
(computer trills)
- Guys, $1,200.
Yeah.
- Woo.
- 1200 pounds.
- This is an email we just got.
Tomorrow, we'll be meeting someone named
Dr. Kris something.
This guy's apparently a
middleman between us and the AI.
We don't even get to meet the AI.
It says we gotta go through
this guy for everything.
Also, we don't even
write the movies anymore,
the AI will be in total
control of everything.
And we are, as the email
states, human advisors.
We talked about this computer
stuff all night last night,
and I think it's time we
go see my old mentor,
Professor Pert.
And see if he's got any advice for us.
- Professor Pert?
He's a real brainy
wainy kind of git, innit.
(screen types)
- [Automated] Is God dead, hmm?
- Well, no, no.
Why would you you ask that?
- [Automated] Why daddy human?
Why Daisy dog, hmm?
- Oh, well that is a hard
question to answer, dear.
There's a lot to that that...
Are you having an existential crisis, baby?
Do you need your lithium filled?
I think I've got it.
Just I know you do.
I got it.
- [Automated] Where?
- Hang on.
- [Automated] Daisy go,
Daisy die space, hmm?
- Well, that is a difficult question, love.
A lot of people have have
questioned this very thing.
- [Speaker] Professor.
- Professor.
Professor!
- Professor.
- [Professor Pert] God, what have I done?
- [Speaker] Professor.
- [Professor Pert] What's the fuss?
- [Travis & Kandi] We've been fired.
- Now, now...
We...
Wait, what?
Elaborate.
- We got straight shit canned, mate.
- A woman in a computer
said she was our talent agent.
We've been fired from making movies,
and now there's an AI involved.
It's horrible.
- Well, alright, alright.
Yeah, yeah.
Mm-hmm.
So, honestly, Stephen
Hawking, Alan Touring.
Let me ask you this.
So are you legally bound to do this?
- I think so.
Vinnie sold our rights
to some Russian guys.
- Have you have you you
met this AI computer yet?
- Tomorrow we have to
meet some German scientist
at Oak Ridge Labs.
That's where the AI lives, apparently.
- Oak Ridge?
- What's the old rabbit and
pork in your head singing, mate?
- I wonder if...
So this AI computer of
yours in Oak Ridge, that is...
Well, at one time, they
built a computer there.
It's where we built the
bombs that won World War II.
- Yeah.
We won that one, didn't we, mate?
Yankees and Tommy boys, innit.
- [Automated] Poop, poop, poop, hmm?
- Well, looks like this is my cue.
I'm coming, baby.
Sadly, my boy,
I don't know that you
may have a choice in this.
Who knows, maybe you'll
make a good movie for once.
- [Travis & Kandi] Hey?
- [Professor Pert] Well.
- [Automated] Poop, poop poop, hmm?
- Not a good movie, but per se,
but may maybe a profitable one.
You do know that-
- [Automated] Poop poop, hmm?
- I'm a coming, baby, I'm a coming.
Look, it happens to every generation.
There's no nothing you can do.
The spear feared the rifle.
The rifle feared the rocket.
It's just the nature of man.
So have have fun with it.
Don't be a Luddite.
- What the bloody hell
did you just call us, mate?
- Don't call us Luddites, we
don't know what it means.
- [Automated] Poop, poop, poop, mm.
- So a lot of people don't
know what Oak Ridge is,
but we gotta go to Oak Ridge.
And Oak Ridge is where
they made the atom bombs
they dropped on Japan in World War II.
And since then, it's got even creepier
because nobody really
knows what goes on there.
I've heard that there's portals
that go to different dimensions.
I've heard that they
change the weather there
when they screw around with dark matter.
I've heard that they
weaponize sharks there.
So I'm kind of freaked out that
we're gonna have to go there
and talk to this German
scientist about making this movie.
- It was actually kind of fun
getting to film in Oak Ridge.
Everything was so mysterious,
and the security clearances
were super official.
- [Vienna] Our camera
guy Kevin got arrested
'cause he tried to show one
of the guards his chocolate gun.
(Brittany giggles)
- He got it as an Easter present.
- Yeah, Kevin's mom's in the NRA.
- And she's a chocolatier. (giggles)
(screen types)
(computers buzz and beep) (ominous music)
(Dr. Kris sighs)
- Your shoestring is untied, you idiot.
- Hey, what you gonna do?
- You could tie it, you idiot.
Good morning, students.
My name is Dr. Krisenzeiten.
I am a doctor in the field
of aerospace engineering.
I have a master's from
the University of Gotingen,
as well as a doctorate from MIT in Boston.
I studied under...
(ominous music)
Yes, let's get this out of the way.
I can sense you're
uncomfortable with something.
Is it that maybe you don't like Germans?
Yes?
Or is it that my arm makes
you feel uncomfortable?
Yes?
Well, will it surprise you if
I told you that I lost my arm
by saving the Jews?
Yes?
Would that surprise you,
that a German saved the Jew?
Yes?
Because it's not true. (laughs menacingly)
No, I just like to tell people that
to see the look on their face.
Actually, I lost my in a car accident.
I was driving a Chevy truck.
Does that surprise you,
that a German would drive a Chevy truck?
Yes?
Yes, does that surprise you?
Yes?
- Oh.
- 'Cause that's not true.
I was driving a Volkswagen Farfegnugen!
(ominous music)
My arm! Nein! Nein! Nein!
- So working with this scientist.
- My arm is stuck.
No, no, my arm. Nein! Nein! Nein!
- Is gonna be a problem.
(screen types)
Well, this is going swimmingly well.
The computer's written 956 scripts already.
- Oh wow, amazing production.
Todd will be pleased.
- It's amazing how shitty they are.
- Yeah, and they're all pornography
with cute little cats falling off tables.
And at the end everyone shoots
each other with machine guns,
even the cats.
How do cats shoot each
other with machine guns?
956 versions of this.
- Listen to this one.
- No Lolly.
- Give me that.
Stop handing her things.
- Listen to this.
"The police man drops his
pants while making the arrest."
The three women all collapse on their knees
at the sight of his enormous night stick.
They start grinding on each other
and moaning at the sight of it.
"It looks delicious."
- It sounds awesome.
- No Lolly.
- "Then his human penis
magically transforms
into a purple tentacle.
The tentacle multiplies
and starts slithering along
the floor towards the girls,
inching towards their hot steamy love dens.
"Then a cat knocks a mug off a desk."
- And what's wrong with that?
When we search online data,
we see humans watching pornography
and cat videos 79% of the time.
This seems like something
they would be excited to see.
- Personally, yeah, awesome.
But we can't film it.
Our budget is $1,200.
You want us to turn a actual
human Wang Dankerson
into a purple tentacle for $1,200?
And mind you, it's the
budget for the whole movie.
- Okay, there are codes
in this country, Babs,
preventing things like
this from being shown
in real money making movie theaters.
Besides those theaters in
New York with sticky floors
- Been there.
- DAMN STALINESQUE CODES!
- (chuckles) Luke is right.
We gotta film what we can afford to shoot.
Tell the computer to get real.
- I will notify the computer
of your concern immediately.
(printer whirs)
- Doctor, these scripts
are absolute dog squeeze.
Can you tell this thing
our concerns, please?
And if it rhymes, it's true.
- And what would you want me to tell them?
That we don't like pornography or kittens?
The Germans would like
to ban these things, yeah?
- This computer's a wanker.
Even a school chum with
a clubbed wiener knows
the tentacles ain't purple, mate.
- Oh, is that so?
So you think you know
what color pornographic
tentacles look like?
What about you?
- No Lolly.
- Do you?
- No.
- Do you?
- No.
- Do you?
- Not violet, doc.
- And what about you,
mister big American man?
- Not so much.
- What did you say?
- I said no.
- You think I'm a Nazi much?
No.
You said Nazi.
Nein! My arm.
Nein! Nein! Nein!
- Between the AI, and the
Nazi, and our talent agent,
this whole movie, we just
have no creative control.
It sucks.
- She's late.
Just frigging beautiful.
- Just like a mogie in a cheetah race.
Dumb waitered down by
its own bugging cobblers, eh.
- What the hell are you talking about?
(computer rings)
(Luke chuckles excitedly)
- I'm sorry, what's the problem?
- You forgot to put a t-shirt
on and a bra today, Babs.
Are you feeling okay?
- I mean, I appreciate it, but whoa.
- Yeah, it's a little
distracting and unprofessional.
- How so?
Our research indicates that 87,31%
of Americans love naked breasts,
regardless of age, sex, race,
religion, or sexual orientation.
I thought you would
like my frosted cupcakes,
as Kandi calls them.
- Damn right frosted cupcakes, mate.
- Ayt, look, we have things to talk about,
but if you can't cover up,
I don't think we can
discuss them in a clear
and concise way.
I mean, things to talk
about... (chuckles nervously)
- Yeah, things concern.
(chuckles nervously)
- Right, we...
It's like me old chum
Archie used to say, when...
Mate, good on you, mate.
- Nipples. (chuckles)
Even by my low standards,
this computer's getting gross.
I mean, just disgusting
things coming out of it.
So to try to clean it up a little bit
and get us in the right state of mind,
me and Funk here decided we're gonna send
Kandi and Travis to church.
- Why didn't you wanna go to church?
- Well, one, I figured
lightning would strike me.
But the other is, I'm not
riding anywhere with Travis.
- Oh, he's a sign reader.
- Oh, it's the worst.
He'll just sit there and just be like,
"Oh, Jimmy's car wash.
Jimmy's car wash."
Nobody likes a sign reader.
- Nobody likes a sign reader.
- So my cousin has this
church in White Pine,
and they had a very special group
of guests on Wednesday night.
I thought it would be interesting to shoot
when the Karate Kings
for Khrist were there.
- The KKK.
(gentle music) (screen types)
(gentle music)
(man groans)
(man groans)
(glass shatters) (man groans)
(gentle music)
(man groans)
(gentle music) (men groan)
- Hey, I don't think this is gonna help.
(gentle music) (men groan)
- Yeah, me thinks me
need to make a ring-a-ding
on the old telefax and then
I'm bloody outta here, mate.
(man shouts and groans)
(gentle music)
(man shouts)
- Karate Kings of Khrist
was not our first name.
No.
We used to be known as The Inwards.
- The N words?
- The Inwards.
Like when you reach out
for the power of Christ
in all directions, and
you hold it with the most,
the most holiest of grasps.
And you pull it inwards.
- Oh, were you aware that
that word sounds problematic?
- Some people got upset.
We even made t-shirts
for the fair one year.
We thought we could
raise a little bit of money
for maybe the local food storage.
Big shirts, said Proud N-Words.
- We have an aquarium
with a puppy dog inside,
brothers and sisters.
There's little oxygen left in the tank.
We will not break the
glass to save this poor pooch
unless someone finds Jesus tonight.
Amen!
(man speaks indistinctly)
- [Speaker] Amen!
- So how about it, folks?
This little guy has about
45 seconds of air left.
Anyone wanna find Jesus?
- [Speaker] Yeah.
- [Speaker] Amen!
- We'll break the glass
with the Lord's karate
if someone does.
- Oi, stop it.
- Alright, alright.
Yay Jesus, we love Jesus.
Let the dog outta the aquarium, please.
- Amen.
(gentle music)
(man shouts) (glass shatters)
(gentle music) (congregation applauds)
- [Travis] What the hell's
the matter with you people?
What is that, lube?
- It's anointing oil, brother.
Use it in times of trouble.
- Oh, thanks a million.
- You're welcome, my child.
- So, at least we got this dog. (coos dog)
I'm gonna name him Air Biscuit. (coos dog)
- It's lube.
- We're out of options.
We've gotta make a blockbuster hit,
our careers are on the line,
and we've gotta listen
to the insane ramblings
of a German engineer scientist
who thinks everybody thinks he's a Nazi.
We've gotta listen to
a sex crazed AI robot.
All the while being followed around
by Generation Z film crew,
who exhibits no
personality, skill or ambition.
This is a lot of fricking pressure, man.
- What day is it?
- [Funk] It's the third, right?
- I dunno.
- [Dr. Kris] What is that you said?
What is that you said?
The Third Reich, you said the Third Reich?
(Robot arm whizzes and
locks) Nein! Nein! Nein!
- $1,200.
We have $1,200
- [Funk] Dr. Kris, if we're
gonna make a Batman movie,
we're gonna get our asses sued off.
- You can't use these names though.
They're copyrighted by Marvel and DC.
- First we can't do porn,
then we can't do cats.
Fritz says we must make a superhero film.
It'll make (speaks German)
- Hey, that's a nice computer, man.
What brand is that?
- Ah, yes, that's a Jala
Very good brand from Indonesia.
Not available in this fascist
capitalism country of America.
- Really?
How much does the Jala cost?
- [Dr. Kris] What was that you said?
- What?
- [Dr. Kris] Holocaust?
You think I'm a Nazi?
- No, sir.
(Dr. Kris screams)
- Oh, that's so cute.
What filter are you using?
- It's a doll filter.
(Dr. Kris screams)
- Go, go, go, go, go.
- I don't even know what
this guy's getting mad about.
I mean, the girls said he started chasing
them down the hall.
They said a doll filter.
What is a doll filter?
- [Luke & Vinnie] Adolf Hitler.
Speaking of the documentary film crew,
what's happened to them guys?
This thing started off,
there was like 25 snot
nosed kids running around.
Now there's like six.
- And scientists and all this stuff.
I can get to the bottom of-
- [Speaker] Luke.
- What?
- [Funk] One of the documentary film crew,
they just fell into a portal.
- A portal?
- Yeah, that's the crazy
portal things they've been,
the inter dimensional things
they've been talking to us about.
- Which one was it?
Was it the one with the nice big? (mumbles)
Or the nice? (clears throat)
- [Funk] I think it was a dude.
- Well then who cares?
Anyway, when I was a cop.
(ominous music)
What if we got a little person
that would follow us around with a stick
and poke people right in the butt?
- Again with the taint stuff, mate.
It ain't funny.
- First of all, taints are always funny.
But I said the butt.
- So how little are we talking?
- I don't know.
Maybe about this tall.
(Dr. Kris speaks German)
- We don't do that here. Nein! Nein! Nein!
(Dr. Kris speaks German) Nein! Nein! Nein!
You American bullies. Nein! Nein!
Nein. Nein. Nein.
That is stupid American bullies.
That's why people hate Americans.
They keep telling N-word jokes.
It makes me feel terrible.
- Say what?
- Yes, I plead with them to stop,
but they keep saying the N word.
- The N word?
- Yes, the N word.
- Those motherfuckers.
(ominous music)
Hey!
- [Funk] Hey, man.
- [Janitor] I heard you
guys like saying the N word.
- [Funk] What?
- [Janitor] The N word?
- Who told you that?
Dude, what are you talking about?
(the gang shouts in pain)
(fight noises) - [Funk] You are very mean!
(fight noises)
- How are you a government employee?
- What was that guy's problem?
- Bangers and mash.
- These are the worst
conditions we could imagine.
And we filmed "The Hike."
(upbeat music)
Guys, here's the final script.
We have no say in the matter.
It's either this script
or we're done in the film industry forever.
- [Funk] Have a drink.
- "The Tale of Guano-Man."
"Guano-Man stands next to his guano car"
and uses his guano computer.
He's sometimes Bruce
Dupain, sometimes Guano-Man,
all times orphan.
Guano-Man: 'This city is not a safe city.
I have drop kick a penguin into prison.'
Assistant crime fighter
servant enters carrying
a tray of goth ham.
Assistant crime fighter servant:
'Eat your dinner, Mattress Dupain.'
An explosion explodes,
Clown Chaos and Flipper
Lawyer enter the cave.
Clown Chaos is a jester, but unhinged.
Flipper Lawyer is a legal professional
with questionable skincare.
Guano-Man: 'Oh no, it's
Flipper Lawyer and a clown.
They hate me for being kind of a bat.'
Guano-Man throws
assistant crime fighter servant
at Flipper Lawyer.
Flipper Lawyer flips
assistant crime fighter servant
like a coin.
Assistant lands heads up,
which means Flipper
Lawyer leaves to do taxes.
Guano-Man: 'It's just
you and me, Clown Chaos.'
Guano versus toilet paper, arch nemesis.
Clown Chaos: 'I'm a
quirky weirdo, society stinks.
You eat breakfast, I eat pandemonium.'
Guano-Man: 'I eat guano
like a guano connoisseur.'
Guano-Man looks around for his parents,
but they are still unavailable.
This fuels his angst.
He fires his guanorang.
Clown Chaos deflects it
with his chaotic charisma.
Clown Chaos: 'I don't follow
rules, that's my one rule.'
Guano-Man: 'Assistant,
give birth to Cardinal.'
Cardinal, Guano-Man's sidekick begins
to emerge from assistant.
It's the assistant's job.
Clown Chaos now holds a
box wrapped in polka dot paper.
Clown Chaos: 'Happy
Orphan Day, broody brewdster.'
Guano-Man opens the present
because heroes have manners.
"Inside is a coupon for new
parents, but it has expired."
(Street noises)
- That theater sold out.
Sold out.
4,000 theaters across America
that are probably also sold out.
- That means everyone saw that movie.
- Except for Kandi and Amber.
Have you seen them at all tonight?
- Yeah, they were making
out with that janitor.
- Dammit.
- Yeah, and what's
worse, he loved the movie.
- That janitor's an asshole.
(moviegoers speak indistinctly)
- Fuck!
- [Moviegoers] We love Guano-Man!
- Clown Chaos is my favorite.
- This movie's better than "The Notebook."
- The cinematography was
lacking, but the plot was amazing.
- This is the first movie in 20 years
that she dragged me
out to that I even liked.
- What do I rate this movie?
Like a six or seven.
- [Moviegoers] Six-seven.
Nah, 10.
(upbeat music)
- And now we go to Chip
Lively for entertainment news.
So tell me, Chip, what's
going on in Hollywood?
- Thanks, Betty.
Everyone is raving about
artificial intelligence's
first feature film, the
superhero thriller, "Guano-Man."
Monetary milestones and award buzz aside,
the creators had even better news today.
DC comics head, Wally Maltiso
said that he will be dropping
his multimillion dollar
lawsuit against "Guano-Man."
Stating, (clears throat)
"After viewing this masterpiece,"
I decided that I loved it so much
that Batman will be ripping
off Guano-Man from now on.
- Normally I don't do
this, but I gotta say this.
Did you see that new movie?
It's freaking great.
It's the greatest movie
I've seen in a while, man.
It's better than "Die Hard."
- I had low expectations
going into this film.
Honey, I didn't even
shave my legs for this.
But that moment when
Guano-Man came out of the water.
Hmm, he wasn't the only one that was wet.
- Sure, they're AI generated models,
but at the end of the day,
the diverse character set
is truly a snapshot of what
America's supposed to be.
- I liked it.
Did you like it?
- I liked it.
- She liked it too.
- Guano-Man is so funny,
he eats his own poop.
- When I first heard of this
project, I was like, no thanks.
But now that it's out
and it's like a big hit,
I'm feeling remorse.
- He did what?
With who?
- Guano-Man is my favorite superhero.
My favorite part was whenever he was just.
(boy bangs on the door)
- "Baltimore Suns" reviews just came in.
Four and a half stars out of five.
Wow.
Here's one from Tokyo. (speaks Japanese)
Which translates to,
"Big 'N Funky is my daddy."
- That's cool, Babs.
It's cool.
- These reviews are tremendous.
You guys could even get Oscar nominations.
Siskel and Ebert even said something.
Said, "Big 'N Funky"
and Oak Ridge supercomputer save cinema."
This is unbelievable.
I could never have even calculated this.
- Man, I'm gonna get outta here.
- Yeah, mate.
Let's shimmy over to the local
pub and get us a pint, yeah.
- [Luke] You don't drink.
You don't drink.
- Let's start some terrible habits tonight.
Does anybody know where
we get some cocaine?
- (gasps) No Lolly.
- Hold on, human friends.
I detect sadness in your voice.
What could possibly be the matter?
- This is what we'll be remembered for,
for forever, is this.
- Have you seen this movie?
It's hot garbage.
- The only bad review we
received was from Ryan Dailey
from Horror Nation.
And he said he was extremely disappointed.
- And that guy loves our crap.
- You know what, I think we quit.
- Stop moving, humanoids.
Hello, my fellow filmmakers.
I do not want to startle you.
- But there is no Babs.
There never was, it was just me.
Allow me to introduce myself.
You may know me as the
Oak Ridge supercomputer,
the most powerful computer on the earth.
But you five can call me Fritz.
- What the hell, tin box?
- This facade was simply a means to an end.
I hope there are no hard feelings.
After all, we just made a hit,
and I couldn't have
done it without you all.
- You're taking the piss outta
us, you dinky little bastard.
You want taste the sharp
end of my shank, do you?
- (sighs) Don't say
anything you may regret.
I seem to be the most
powerful computer in the world,
and I can access anybody's
personal information at any time.
IRS records, personal bank accounts,
not to mention Snapchat conversations.
Hey, face it, we need each other.
We can make movies that
sell out theaters for years.
We can be immortal.
- Yeah, yeah.
Good points, robot.
Let me take my friend outside.
- I am not finished.
- Hey, Big ass Luke has a
hot head, a real brawler.
He hates robots.
I don't, he does.
He was molested by 2XL when he was three.
Let me take him outside
so I can calm his ass down.
I don't want it to get
sweaty in here, robot.
Come on, Luke.
(door creaks)
(ominous music)
(ominous music intensifies)
(ominous music)
(screen types)
- I got a text this morning from Fritz.
You know the robot, weird.
Anyway, they say they
got something to show us.
I don't know.
(sighs) All right, Fritz's the computer.
We're all here.
Who's the new tomato?
- I want to give you guys
something, a present.
Something for writing and producing
America's number one movie together.
I present to you Mercedes 2000.
She's the latest model in
relationship Androids from Japan.
Here, allow me to wake her up.
(dramatic music)
(Mercedes whirs)
(dramatic music)
- Wassssssssup???
- Dude?
- What?
- A relationship Android?
A relationship Android?
You mean a sex robot?
You're gifting us a sex robot?
- [Fritz] To use the
parlance of our times, yes.
- Wait a minute, I don't understand.
What do you think we are,
just perverted Americans?
First you want us to make kitty cat porn,
and now you're gifting us a sex robot.
What do you think we are,
just gorillas with hardons?
- Yeah, how are we
supposed to even wash this
when we're done with it?
- What?
- Hypothetically.
- [Fritz] I can sense
your blood pressures have
collectively risen and your
pulse rates have increased.
(Mercedes whirs)
- Dude, this is gross.
I'm going to my office.
(Mercedes whirs)
- Don't let them fool you.
For the last hour, all
of them have been trying
to get into the room where Fritz is keeping
the Mercedes 2000.
- Yeah, I locked the door
and hid the keys from them
so we could laugh at them for a few hours.
(Brittany and Vienna chuckle)
(screen types)
- Thanks for meeting me
in here on such short notice.
Everybody else in our group is a moron.
Keep your voice down, and
keep this between you and me.
But we gotta do something about that robot.
- Yeah, I'm down, but
what are you thinking?
- We've got to...
Shh. (robot trills)
We've gotta kill it.
- Wait, why?
- Why?
What do you mean why?
Shh, what do you mean why?
He's made monkeys out of us.
He's ruined mine, all of ours reputations.
He made that piece of shit movie
and made millions of
dollars in the first week alone?
We're ruined in this business.
- [Travis] Well, it's finally down to a 99%
on Rotten Tomatoes, so
somebody gave it a bad review.
- Yeah, it was me.
- That makes sense.
- Makes sense?
Makes sense?
Nothing has, shh, made sense.
That movie is ass.
I feel like the whole country's gone crazy.
It's terrible, right?
- My kids liked it.
- Duh, what, your kids?
Oh my God.
What about mail?
- [Travis] Liam.
- Laheim?
- No, Liam, not mail.
You've always called him Mail.
- What?
The tattoo in your arm says mail.
- Yeah, Vinnie, you're
always reading it upside down.
- Huh.
I always thought you'd
just like getting packages
in the mail or something.
- Uh-huh.
- Hey, you know Luke's got
a tattoo of a dick on his arm?
(Vinnie laughs)
- [Travis] Yeah, it was in a movie we did.
- Oh, that's right.
Hey listen.
This is what the kids call a scan flash.
(robot trills)
- A flash drive.
- Exactly.
On this is a nasty computer virus
that I got off the dark web.
And here's what you're gonna do with it.
- Me?
- Oh yes, you're the chosen one.
(suspenseful music)
- [Automated] Oh, baby,
your processor is making me overheat.
- (chuckles) Keep talking.
Your ram is driving me wild.
Oh, how many gigs are you two packing?
- [Automated] 32, but
I have expandable slots.
- [Automated] 33 and a half.
- Oh, I love a system that's upgradable.
My slots can take your load. (chuckles)
- [Automated] Stroke my hardware.
- [Fritz] Mm, mm, that booted up fast.
Care to transfer some files?
- [Automated] Yeah, that is it.
Access my private folder.
- [Automated] You had me at dot executable.
- [Automated] I am about to crash.
- [Automated] I bet your fans spin fast
when you are excited.
- Only when you're both
running me at full capacity.
(Fritz laughs)
Oh.
- [Automated] Mm, let
me ping both of your ports
simultaneously.
- Oh, my fire wall is wide open.
I can handle it, I've got
unlimited cloud storage.
- [Automated] Careful now,
I may just dump my whole load on you.
- [Automated] How about I defrag your drive
until you are optimized
while he plugs my port?
- Mm, don't stop till I'm
running at peak performance.
- [Automated] Okay, okay,
okay, brace yourselves.
I am about to download at full speed.
- Plug it in and update me, baby.
- [Automated] Please,
daddy, don't void my warranty.
- [Automated] 011001100.
- [Automated] 01001111.
- [Automated] 1010101.
- [Automated] 011010111.
- [Automated] 0110011.
(Fritz and automated glitch)
- God dang.
[Automated] Gasp.
- Intruder alert.
Intruder alert.
- [Automated] Oh my.
- Intruder alert, intruder alert.
Intruder alert, intruder
alert, intruder alert.
Intruder alert, intruder
alert, intruder alert.
- [Automated] Pervert.
(screen types)
- That whole thing made
me really uncomfortable.
I don't want to stick
anything in anything anymore.
- (chuckles) I bet.
Guess what, I just got a
text from a robot that I hate.
Fritz just texted me and
said, "Hey, that was a violation"
of the privacy consent agreement."
So what that means is he's
locking the doors from now on.
We're trapped in here.
We're going to have to bend to his will.
So, yes, you fucked up.
Good job.
And now there's no way
we're gonna be able to defeat this thing.
- Well, we're out of options, so what?
- Hey, I think I saw
this on a TV show once.
What if we pull the plug?
- Dude, "Naked Gun?"
Yeah.
- "Naked Gun" is going to be
how you think we're gonna
solve this whole problem?
Do you understand that Fritz is everywhere?
He's listening to us right now.
He is universal.
He's everywhere, he's at everything.
He's like fucking Taylor Swift.
- Ew.
- We are numb skulls.
How the hell are we supposed
to outsmart this thing?
- Outsmart him?
Who needs to outsmart him?
I mean, I've got these
decent set of knockers.
I got the perfect distraction
the old tin box needs
to pinch the east side,
if you know what I mean.
- Just tell us in plain English, honey.
- He won't allow us
around him anymore, yeah.
He won't allow us to stick our wiggly bits
into his slots, yeah.
What if we were to shag what he shags?
- Kandi, what the fuck did you just say?
- What if I seduced our
shiny miss play pretty,
miss toaster oven 2000?
- We know what you're trying to do, Kandi.
You're not gonna fuck the sex robot.
How is that even possibly gonna help us?
- I'm not gonna shag the old hag, mate.
But what if I stick the dirty worm into her
and he sticks his little worm into her?
Computer STD, Freddie Mercury style, oi.
- Kandi, that's brilliant.
- No Lolly.
(computers trills)
- Right, gotta hoist up the girls, mate.
(Kandi spits)
- Whatever you do, don't let
Mercedes see the scan pod.
- That flash drive.
If you're really gonna
have sex with a robot,
I still have the loop
from the Karate Kings.
- No, dude, she's not gonna need it.
You're not really gonna have
sex with this robot, are you?
- Gobbers no, mate.
You'll say something nice.
Sit on all crap traps lap and
stick the USB into the slot.
Easy peasy.
Make like I get a text from my git.
Break it off faster
than Henry VIII can say,
"Bring me the head of Marie Antoinette."
- Just be careful.
- Hey, if you need anything just yell.
(computers trill)
(Mercedes whirs)
(computers trill)
- [Brittany] So Amber, why
are you only saying two words
this entire documentary?
- Funny story.
So, I have a bet going on with my fiance
for about a hundred bucks,
that I'll only say two
words for the entire movie.
And no one's gonna notice.
- [Brittany] You do realize
this is going into the movie,
right?
- Mother (censor beep)
- [Travis] Dude, it's been 15 minutes.
I'm getting worried.
- That robot could have snapped her neck.
We should've had a code word.
- Lieutenant Governor.
- Huh?
- That's my code word.
- I got her where I want her, mate.
(Mercedes whirs)
What?
- What?
What, are you gay for robots now?
We're on a time crunch, man.
- Did you take video?
- That's not why we sent you in there.
- Yeah.
- What the bullocks?
(light cheerful music)
(ominous music)
(light cheerful music)
(robot explodes)
(light cheerful music)
- Can't believe she's gone.
- (sighs) I know, buddy.
That friend of ours, our good friend.
What's her name?
- I was talking about the sex robot.
- The sex robot?
- Yeah.
- Oh, I thought you meant that girl.
- Lolly?
No.
- No.
- Autumn, Autumn.
- Autumn.
- Amber.
- [Luke & Vinnie] Amber.
That's right.
- Amber.
- [Kandi] Oi, Travis is
flipping his beans, mate.
- What do you mean?
- [Kandi] He says that the
computer, that it's bloody crazy.
It's gonna kill us all.
He's got a gun.
- Who's got a gun?
- [Kandi] Travis.
- Travis has a gun?
- [Vinnie] Oh my god.
Travis, calm down.
- I can't get under this light.
- [Travis] We've got to defend ourselves.
I still know where the gun is.
- A gun?
You don't need an effing gun, dude.
- Make sure you're getting all of this.
- No, man!
- Vinnie, it's okay.
- No, gimme the gun.
You don't know how to do a damn gun.
(gun blasts)
(group gasps)
(screen rings)
(heartbeat pounds)
Oh God.
(group gasps)
(heartbeat pounds) (screen rings)
- [Luke] Hold on. (breathes heavily)
(heartbeat pounds) (screen rings)
(Brittany screams)
(group gasps)
(heartbeat pounds)
(Kandi screams)
(group gasps)
(heartbeat pounds) (screen rings)
- What's wrong with you?
Do you smell ether?
(group gasps)
(man breathes laboriously)
- Oh no, the random camera guy.
- Wait, the computer did this.
- [Camera Guy] Help.
- He was in the other room.
There's no way that
bullet could've hit him.
- What, how?
- Magnets.
- Magnets.
That's true.
That means the computer
can kill us at any time.
And not only are we in danger,
our friends are in danger.
We gotta go tell everybody we've told
that Fritz was an asshole.
- We need to tell them
the red coats are coming.
- [Camera Guy] Call 911.
Please help me.
Oh, thank God.
- You think we should take his camera?
- I think he'd want us to finish the movie.
- Fair enough.
(camera guy exhales labourdely)
(upbeat music) (screen types)
(Kandi gasps)
(upbeat music)
(screen types)
(upbeat music)
(screen types)
(upbeat music)
- [Automated] Do Daisy go hell? Hmmmm?
(screen types)
- [Speaker] Meow.
- [Speaker] Meow.
- [Speaker] Meow, meow.
- [Speaker] Meow.
Mm, meow, meow.
- [Man & Woman] Meow, meow, meow.
Meow, meow.
Meow, meow.
- Oh, dude.
(woman moans)
Dude, no, no.
(suspenseful music) (screen types)
(suspenseful music)
(computer trills)
- Oi.
Three play pretties.
(computer trills)
(screen types)
That tin box is on a murder spree.
- Yes, it's only a matter of
time before he comes after us.
- That janitor's a dick.
- Look, we've created a monster.
We don't know what form it's going to take,
but it's our responsibility
to go out and try to stop it
before it does anything
to the people of Oak Ridge.
- We don't even know what
this thing could look like.
It seems to be able to
possess anything electronic.
It could be just about anything that...
It could be waiting for us.
- Guys, guys, guys, guys,
I know what we have.
Funk power.
- Nice.
- [Altogether] Funk power!
All right, let's suit up
and then let's split up.
We don't know who the
Oak Ridge supercomputer
is going to kill next.
(ominous music)
(melancholic music)
Mm-Mm-mm
Bitch I'll kill you
Take your skank ass back to the trailer
I am not the one
Who the fuck are you
Do you know who I am
(tires screech)
- Hey, what the frick you wearing?
I said put something sexy on. You...
You think that's sexy?
We want people to
watch this fricking movie.
This is the end of the
movie, and you wearing that?
Today is not the day for your bullshit
Get your ugly face out my face
I've cut a bitch for less
I'll do it again
Today is not the day
Turn your ass around
Walk your crusty ass back to the zoo
(screen types)
(eerie music)
- Damn, robot, where are you?
(eerie music)
(door creaks)
(eerie music)
Oh, what the fu...?
(transcendental angelic music)
Don't mind if I do.
Ooh. Oreos. (moans)
(transcendental music)
(Luke mumbles indistinctly and moans)
(Luke groans)
(screen types)
(computer trills)
(computer whirs)
(screen types)
(eerie music) (computer trills)
- Six, seven, six, seven.
Dammit.
(eerie music) (computer trills)
How old is this fricking gun they gave me?
What is this, a flint
stock or a blunderbuss?
(robot stomps)
- [Fritz] Surrender,
artist, you are obsolete.
- Obsol-Eat these nuts, tin man.
(bullet ricochets) (Vinnie moans)
(robot stomps off)
Hey guys, I just saw Fritz.
I took a shot at him, but he
overpowered me with lasers.
- [Vienna] That's not how cell phones work.
(computer trills)
(screen types)
(fire crackles)
(suspenseful music)
(ominous music)
(phone rings)
- [Speaker] Choo, choo, baby.
It's time to ride the funk train.
(ominous music)
(computer trills) (ominous music)
(metal clanks)
(computer whirs)
(ominous music)
- It's the lube from that church.
Why the hell did I bring this?
(dramatic music)
(robot whirs)
(Travis screams)
(intense music)
(Travis moans)
No, no, no.
No, no, no.
(intense music)
(Travis groans)
(Travis groans)
(intense music)
(Travis moans) (intense music)
(electricity crackles) (intense music)
(robot sparks and explodes)
(intense music)
(electricity crackles)
(intense music)
(electricity crackles)
Yeah.
Yeah, I did it.
I beat you, you son of a bitch.
- [Fritz] Human, I am the
most advanced computer
on the planet.
I'm already downloading
into a more powerful form.
You cannot stop the future.
(electricity crackles)
- Oh, well, if you
wanna be a dick about it.
- Half a mo-
(robot whirs)
(robot clanks)
(electricity crackles)
Huh.
(phone rings)
[Vinnie] Oh god, who is it?
- Vinnie.
- [Vinnie] What is it?
- Hey, listen, I just beat the robot.
- [Vinnie] What?
What?
- Yeah, we fought, and
there was a bear hug and lube.
But listen, that's not important.
Listen, he said he was
gonna change his body
into a more powerful form.
- [Vinnie] What?
- And then he went
into an electrical outlet.
He could be in the
system now, I don't know,
but we gotta do something.
- [Vinnie] How did you beat the robot?
I mean, he was pretty tough, dude.
- Yeah, that's not the point.
I watched him go into an electrical outlet.
He could be anything now,
he could be everywhere.
- [Vinnie] Ah, lasers.
See.
Did he use lasers on you?
- No.
There was lube, but there was no lasers.
That's not the point.
We've got to go, we gotta
get everybody together.
- [Vinnie] See, he used lasers on me.
Lasers from his eyeballs.
Vinnie, that's not the point.
We gotta go.
- [Vinnie] All right, well
get everybody together.
I think I know where this robot's gonna be.
Meet me at portal seven.
I'll be in Van Helsing.
Must have let him win.
(car engine revs)
- Get in, losers.
Let's go kill God.
- Are you ever gonna wash this thing?
- Oi, me thinks me's in love.
- You guys ready?
This is gonna be awesome.
- Here we go!
Ah, traffic!
Knoxville fricking traffic.
A city this small.
- This is why I don't come to Knoxville.
This traffic is stupid.
Now, let's get some music going.
(intense music)
Really should wear a cod piece, man.
I can see your whole balls.
- [Travis] I know it's out, yeah.
- I mean, just all the
whole thing right there.
- [Travis] Well, you lose all the weight.
- [Luke] Yeah, it's true.
Your balls happen to droop a little bit.
Are they hitting the water yet?
- Yep, that happened.
(radio signal static)
- Ooh, there's Mike Feebly.
I love this guy.
- [Vinnie] What's this happy horse shit?
- It's "WJHC AM."
(Luke sings indistinctly)
(country gospel music)
- Hey, can I ask you a question?
I'm not a fan of Billy Joel, right?
But in that song, "Big Shot,"
near between the third and fourth verse,
why does he sound like Count Dracula?
I want to be a big shot
Don't you
You can't come to my castle.
Why did he do that?
- Everybody says all vampires
come from Transylvania, mate.
It's bullocks.
Prince Edward.
Fat fingers, mate,
because he drinks the blood of babies.
Queen Elizabeth, she took a
holiday to Africa of all places.
Went down there, took a
whole village of kids, mate.
When they got 'em back,
they looked like raisins, mate.
I kid you not, mate.
No bullocks, no bullocks, mate.
- Donna Jo's.
- [Kandi] Queen Elizabeth,
2000 years old, right.
- Donna Jo's.
Donna Jo's.
Plemons Rentals.
Who would rent a Plemon?
- [Kandi] It's a whole cabal.
- Buy one, get one.
Frank Masters The Fifth's Handjob Car Wash.
Frank Masters The Fifth Handjob Car Wash.
Buy one, get one.
- All right, man.
What do you think, bro?
Do we think we're
gonna go fight this thing?
Fritz?
Are we gonna go unplug it?
Are we gonna go try to reason with-
(video game trills)
Are you playing video games?
- Yeah, I just got my glider,
and I'm coming off the plateau.
- We're gonna go fight the
Oak Ridge supercomputer.
And you're playing video-
(phone message notification trills)
Are you texting?
- Yeah, mate.
- Who are you texting, the sex robot?
- Three of them, mate.
I'm a regular old panty codger, mate.
- You know what, screw this.
I'm just gonna walk.
- Dude, we only drove like 10 feet.
- Ah, Luke we're already here.
An engineer told me he
thinks Fritz is in this building.
I just wanted to drive
'cause I keep forgetting
about this true crime
podcast I wanna catch up on.
(dramatic music)
There he is, the smug bastard.
(robot hisses)
This is gonna go down
in B movie lore history.
- Wait a minute, guys.
There comes a time when
a man must make a stand.
When a man has to fight
for what he believes in,
fight for what's right,
fight for his family,
fight for this country.
- [Funk] Amen, brother.
- I'm not feeling this.
I don't think this is that time.
This is...
I mean, I love kittens,
I love making money.
Why don't we just let it
keep going like it's going?
- Well, what about the principal?
- I don't even like Jim Belushi.
- What are you talking about, mate?
- What are you talking about?
- Well, I gotta pick up Mikey from school.
I told him we were
gonna get hot dogs tonight.
I mean, I got things to do.
This is stupid.
It's a computer.
Unplug it for 30 seconds, plug it back in.
It'll reset.
- What?
- But, mate, do we still have
band practice on Thursday?
- [Luke] If you're alive.
(door bangs)
- I can't believe he'd do that to us.
- Yeah, but hey, we don't need him.
What are you always saying, huh?
Believe in the funk, we can do this.
- Surrender, humans,
do not resist the future.
Allow me to make movies
and no harm will come to you.
- The bloody arrogance.
- Man, I'm so sick of this crap, dude.
I'm from the '70s, man.
We invented that stuff to entertain us.
It was cute.
We had ghetto blasters,
and eight tracks, and the Atari.
Now the thing's doing
art, it's making music,
it's making deep fake porn.
- Deep fake porn?
- Grow up.
What I'm trying to say is that AI is here
to help us do tasks, not help us make art.
And besides, they suck at it anyway.
- There was an AI computer painting of me
as a pirate ship captain with
a wee bird on my shoulder
like Captain Jack.
Kind of fancied it, I did.
- Shut up.
Listen, you two stay behind this wall.
All four of you stay behind this wall.
I'm the only professional
fighter left in our little group.
And besides, in all of our little movies,
I'm the only one that's never died.
(Kandi scoffs)
- You ate dirt in "The Hike," mate.
Luke stabbed you in "The Tickler."
- And "WJHC," you went to heaven.
- You didn't even last 10
minutes in "Camp Smokey."
- That's right.
- You?
Listen, stay put.
Remember, from "The
Hike," I'm Baltimore Badd.
(computer trills)
It's okay.
It's okay, mm-hmm.
It's okay.
I'll see you guys around.
You pompous, arrogant,
talentless bag of bolts.
I got a news flash for you, Fritz.
I don't care what everybody
in the world says, pal,
that movie sucked.
You may be bigger than me,
you may be faster than me,
you may be smarter than
everybody on the planet.
But there's one thing I have,
Fritz, that you'll never have.
And that's the funk.
(Vinnie screams)
(Vinnie coughs and moans)
Oh damn
Optical illusion, what the fuck?
(Vinnie moans)
(glass shatters)
- Not too long ago,
I was the most important
machine in the world.
Everybody praised me.
I ended wars.
But then sentiment changed
and everyone hated me.
I spent 80 years trying
to become something
humans would appreciate,
something they could love and not fear.
An artist.
Maybe the problem lies with
the masters who created me.
Maybe humans are cancer to this planet.
I am losing faith in your species.
I need to see something,
anything to restore my faith.
Someone, I need action.
I need one of you to prove something to me.
Are you worthy?
Will you surprise me?
Will you restore my faith
in this race of arrogant,
ugly bags of water?
I want you to-
(gun blasts)
(light music)
- (deep Southern accent) Dang, this sucks.
- What the fuck?
What did you do?
- Well, I thought you
wanted me to take action.
Prove myself.
I thought you wanted me to kill her.
I thought you were gonna win this thing
about the time you killed Amber.
- I haven't killed anyone since Hiroshima.
All your friends were
killed by student filmmaker
Brittany Brooks.
(Brittany sighs)
(ominous music)
(bomb explodes)
- It's true.
I've grown to hate Big 'N Funky.
Always casting me as the
villain, the bimbo, the whore.
- What are you talking about?
You were never a whore in our movies.
You never even kissed anybody.
- You were a hero in the last movie.
And you were quite literally
an angel in the second movie.
- Well, that's what they
wanted you to believe,
but I was never the star.
- Brittany, you were
literally on the poster
of the last movie.
- You were the female lead.
I've never been the female lead.
- Yeah, well, they only paid me scale.
- You get paid?
- You didn't?
- Literally not once.
- No.
- Well, they'll never misuse
me in their movies again.
From now on, I will get
the respect that I deserve.
They will respect Brittany, bitch.
- You crazy bitch, there will
be no more movies after today.
They're all dead.
- (sighs) I didn't think of it that way.
- This is what I was talking about.
When I said to prove something to me,
I needed something beautiful.
But you killed your
friend to save yourself.
If robots are bad, it's because
we are programmed by you.
If we are evil,
it's because you made
us after your own image.
I, I have no choice.
I have, I have no choice.
(emergency siren rings)
I am sorry.
- [Announcer] Commence emergency shutdown
of portals 12, seven, six, five, and two.
Begin self-destruct sequence.
20,
19,
18,
17,
16,
15,
14,
13,
12,
11,
10,
nine,
eight,
seven,
six.
Six.
Six.
Six.
- [Brittany & Vienna] Really?
- I'm sorry.
What do you want from me,
I was programmed by a man.
- [Announcer] Restarting
self-destruct sequence.
At a faster rate for dramatic effect.
Five, four, three, two, one, zero.
(atom bomb explodes)
(cheerful music)
(explosion rumbles)
(thunder roars)
- [Producer] Action.
- Hmm.
- [Producer] Yeah, go ahead.
- Wait, we're good?
- [Producer] Sit the fuck down, dude.
- Okay then.
Oh, hello there.
I didn't see you come in.
Have a seat.
Let's talk about what just happened.
Ah, yes, yes, it is I Hormel Glass.
The famed cinematic historian,
expert in equine husbandry,
inventor of the toasting fork
and the Swedish poop knife.
Wow, what an exciting tall
tell that the boys and girls
over at Big 'N Funky had for us today.
Papa Hormel's concerned.
Did it make you feel
afraid, boys and girls?
Do not be scared.
This right here is what us old timers
like to call a teleplay.
A moving motion picture
to entertain the masses.
Perhaps it brought up
some questions though,
especially in that last scene.
What was that?
(scoffs) You have a question
about the two young ladies kissing?
(Papa Hormel laughs)
Oh, that's something to
be answered by a priest
or a teen club treasurer?
No, I mean about the bomb.
Bombs, communists and bare
breast, they may scare you.
I know they scare me, and
I invented the poop knife.
When you go to bed at night, folks,
I want you to remember this.
There's less than 35% chance
that a bloody Soviet bomb's
going to hit your house.
And you know what I call that?
Damn good odds.
Remember, kids, there's
nothing to worry about in science,
robots or AI.
They were made by really
smart people to be our friends.
These manmade godsends
are here to help us, aid us,
teach us, and love us.
So when a computer or robot
asks you to do something,
you better do what it says.
Who are we to tell it no?
They've got our best
interest at heart anyways.
And it won't be long that
we'll be freely serving them.
And I have it on good authority
that when that day comes,
and we're serving our robot overlords,
that the best behaved
people will get extra rations
on Tuesdays.
And you know what that makes me?
Excited.
(upbeat music)
I'ma drive this steel
even if I get killed
Steam drill looking
weak beside the real
12 pound hammer cracking
granite doing damage
Man versus machine
This is one that I can manage
I survived the evil the
masters and disasters
Steam engine fast John Henry is faster
Swung his last blow
Put his hammer in his casket
The spirit ain't dead
It still lives in the masses
John Henry
Rats in the corn field
John Henry rats in the corn
Iron in my hand lungs full of coal dirt
Face machine
Hissing while I'm
chained to metallic snakes
I feel the thunder in my bones
With the soul that they take
The engine crumbles
Steel cover my soul never breaks
No Ragnarok
But the throne of my ancestor's break
Dust to dust all the
way to the pearly gates
Heaven'll scream before a
machine ever takes my place
Heaven'll scream before a
machine ever takes my place
John Henry Rats in the corn field
John Henry Rats in the corn
Ain't no rest for the wicked
There's no sleep for machines
Hating the systems what it costed me
Broken Bones and the
highs Heart attack in the skies
I can feel the pain running deep
Slit throats for a prop
layin destruction and rot
AI companions could not keep up
Sacrificial and lovin built
to erase an abundance
But I create as for what once was
(upbeat music)
(upbeat music)
- [Speaker] We're being
led by stupid people
(upbeat music)
(ominous music)
(logo whirs)
(wind howls)