Shrek the Halls (2007) Movie Script
There.
That's better.
All clean.
He sees you when you're sleepin'
He knows when you're awake
What are you doing here?
- And what are you talking about?
- I'm talkin' about Santa Claus!
Only 159 days left till
Christmas, so you better be good.
I'd better be good? How 'bout this? You
better be scarce. Now go on.
I don't care about Christmas.
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
- Donkey!
- 51 days left till Christmas.
Get your butt in gear
and get your marshmallows,
because without marshmallows,
sweet potatoes are nothin'!
Enough! I don't care
about any of this nonsense.
Now shoo!
OK. But don't say
I didn't say I told you so.
Smashing through the snow
And laughin' all the way
It's finally here. Tomorrow's Christmas
Eve! Got everything ready?
- No.
- You haven't trimmed stockings
or hung your chestnuts
or roasted the tree?
- Or figgified your puddin'?
- Donkey!
Will you get it through your head?
No one here gives
a hoot about Christmas!
A white Christmas!
How perfect.
And it's our first one together
as a family. Isn't this exciting?
Oh, yeah!
How 'bout that?
There's somethin' Shrek needs to...
Don't ruin the surprise
for her, Donkey.
Surprise?
Oh, I love surprises!
You're the best. Come on,
let's go make some cookies.
OK, you a dead man.
You know that?
Hold that thought.
I'll be right back.
OH, good, you're still open.
No, we're closing now.
Merry Christmas.
Wait, wait, wait! I need your help.
I have to make a Christmas,
and I have no idea
what it is or how to do it!
Why didn't you say so?
That's super.
I know all about Christmas,
and I've just the book.
Christmas for Village Idiots.
It's all spelled out. See?
One, decorate house.
Two, the stockings by the fireplace.
Step three, the Christmas feast.
- What's that?
- Step four? The Christmas tree!
The tree goes inside the house?
Anyway, step five, the telling
of the Christmas story.
This is the step that says
I created the perfect Christmas
for my perfect family perfectly.
Family by the fire,
everyone cozy and warm.
Happy, happy. Voila!
- Sure.
- Long story short,
it's all right here.
It's no problem.
- Perfect.
- I mean, how hard can it be?
- I didn't get the eggnog!
- Closed?! What do you mean?
- Dwight the Knight action figure?
- Marshmallows!
Sweet potatoes are nothing
without marshmallows!
Bye-bye. Have a super Christmas.
Honey, is that you?
Fiona! What are
you doing up so early?
- Are you OK?
- I'm all right.
What are you? Are you decorating?
- Yeah, that. Surprised?
- Yes.
Well, this is our first
Christmas together as a family,
and, you know, I just want to
make sure that it's perfect.
Shrek, I think... it's beautiful.
- It's passable.
- It's horrible!
- Donkey!
- They usually toilet paper and run.
Whoever did this means business!
Get rid of all this
and get tinsel and doilies and ribbons
and some plastic reindeer.
What is it you wanted today?
It's Christmas Eve!
I've brought you a little somethin'.
Go ahead, take a couple.
I bought plenty for everybody!
Oh, isn't that... nice.
Well, thanks for stopping by for that
brief visit, but as you can see,
there's a lot of work to do.
Just like him to wait till last minute.
Don't worry, there's one thing I
know, it's Christmas.
He's gonna want help,
advice, and he's definitely...
Actually, I think what he really wants
is a nice family Christmas.
Oh, a family Christmas.
Yeah. It's the
first one with the kids.
Don't say a word.
I know exactly what you mean.
I got a lot to do now,
so I better get movin'.
Thank you, Donkey!
And Merry Christmas!
All right. Merry Christmas!
Love and joy come to you
and to me some waffles too
Donkey's right. It's Christmas Eve.
How am I ever gonna
get this done in time?
This is gonna be
the best Christmas ever.
And we're going to do it together,
so come on.
Everything looks so good!
Nice job, honey.
Well, we all did it together.
Now what would the perfect Christmas
be without a Christmas story?
'Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring...
What?
- Merry Christmas, Shrek!
- Oh, not you!
We're here to smother you
with Christmas love!
Absolutely not!
Bad Donkey! Go home!
How are you gonna have
Christmas without family?
- Seasons greeting!
- Happy Holidays!
- Merry Christmas!
- A nice surprise!
Oh, yeah.
OK, I will assume the position.
- I am the joy-filled swine!
- Yay, for the season of love!
This is for stockings.
You can't be hanging laundry up!
Donkey! Don't touch anything.
How we gonna roast chestnuts
on this little bitty fire?
Hey, baby, you mind?
- Oh, boy!
- This way, gents.
That was our supper!
Hey!
Did you hurt yourself
when you fell out of heaven?
- Where are we going to put it?
- I don't know.
Let's put it over here.
No, that is not with the feng shui.
Come on, everybody, let's dance!
- Occupied!
- It's me. Shrek?
- Yes?
- Come back to the party. Please?
I don't think
that'd be such a good idea.
Come on. It's not that bad.
OK, I know you're
not a party person, but...
But what? This is not the
kind of Christmas I had in mind.
They're our friends, Shrek.
They all mean well.
- How many babies did Fiona have?
- She has babies?
- I don't know.
- I better get back to the house.
Surprised we have
a house to go back to.
- Are you coming?
- I can hardly wait.
Finally!
Look at him go!
Excuse me! Excuse me!
Excuse you for what?
I don't feel very good.
- I feel better now.
- A chocolate chip!
Sweetheart?
Mind if I cut in?
Don't stop believing
Up and down the boulevard
I am a little Christmas angel!
Hey there, my sweeties.
Would you like Daddy
to finish the story for you?
Yeah?
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds,
- while visions of sugarplums...
- Were you tellin' 'em
The Night Before Christmas?
That's the best Christmas story ever!
- I'm the best teller ever!
- Donkey...
I got it committed
to memorization!
- Gather round!
- Donkey! Wait!
I'm supposed to tell
the Christmas story.
'Twas the night before Christmas
and I spent all the day
Finishin' up on my Christmas display
Now, missin' all this
would be nothin' but tragic
So just follow me
and I'll show you the magic
Now, out in the yard
in a glorious clutter
Is a spectacle there that'll
make your heart flutter
With 20-foot cheese balls
and a big eggnog fountain
And yodelin' elves
on an ambrosia mountain
A stage where acrobats
jump, leap and prance
And honor the day
through interpretive dance
But just when you think
the display is complete
The Christmas parade
comes right down the street
With holiday floats
all in silver and blue
With sugarplum fairies
and a reindeer or two
There's a baton-twirlin'
snowman all happy and perky
Magical peacocks
and a dancin' roast turkey
And right when you think
that you've just seen it all
Comes a huge waffle Santa
that's 50 feet tall
Ho, ho, ho!
With syrup and butter
the sight just amazes
As it's flanked by a choir
all singin' his praises
- Donkey.
- Santa?
- Donkey!
- Santa!
Donkey!
Very inappropriate, amigo.
Please, allow me.
- Oh, Puss, not you too.
- In my homeland,
we tell a very different tale
of the Santa Nicholas.
He's not made of waffles.
This Santa was suave
He was nothing like that
The Santa I know
was a hot Latin cat
He was dressed all in fur
from his head to his paws
And he stood there heroic
A real Santa... Claws
Red are his boots
- And so is his cape
- Ol!
His sword is a cane
that tastes like crab cake
He wears a fine belt
and a leather cravat
And there's a cute fuzzy thing
which hangs down from his hat
I have shamed myself.
- Ol!
- All right, everybody,
if you leave now,
you can beat the holiday traffic.
Phooey with all your
sunshine and lollipops!
Where I come from,
Christmas is a nightmare.
'Twas the night before Christmas
and the prettiest sights
Were my sweetheart beside me
in the bright Christmas lights
...until they got home.
When they looked at the car door
handle, and they found a hook!
Gingy, cut it out! You're
really givin' me the creeps!
Oh, come on,
I was just teasin'.
Come here, you.
Gingy, I couldn't stay mad at you.
What was that?
Oh, no, you don't. I'm not
fallin' for that again.
No, I'm really, really
seriously not kidding.
Gingy!
Suzie!
No! No! No!
That's the most ridiculous
thing I've ever heard.
- That's not how it goes.
- You weren't there!
All right, everyone,
I've had just about enough!
All I wanted was a nice
Christmas with my family.
That's exactly why we're all here!
Come on, let's finish tellin' my story.
No, Donkey, that's not what I meant.
And get out of my chair.
- Hey, what's this?
- Donkey, let go of the book.
- Why are you whisperin'?
- I'm not kiddin'. Give me the book!
- Heimlich!
- Ja?
- No, Heimlich!
- Oh, ja!
My eye!
Stop, drop and roll, Shrek!
- Somebody get some water!
- I got it!
Don't worry, Shrek,
everything is under control!
Oh, boy.
- The tea is ready.
- Out!
I want everybody out
of my house right now!
Well, that's a real nice way
to treat your guests on Christmas!
And if you think I'm gonna give you
a present now, you are sadly mistaken!
You want to give me a present?
Then go away!
- That's all I wanted!
- Fine! I'm going!
Good, then go!
You go and have yourself
a merry Christmas.
- Ebenezer Shrek!
- And a "Bah, humbug" to you too!
- We could come to our house.
- We have plenty of schnitzel.
Now maybe we can...
Fiona? Where you going?
Shrek, you just kicked
everybody out on Christmas.
Well, that wasn't Christmas.
That was chaos!
Look, I know it didn't
go like you wanted.
What I wanted was a perfect
Christmas for me and my family.
- That was our family.
- You call that a family?
That was a natural disaster!
On Christmas, that's how it
works. Yes, it was crowded.
Yes, it got
a little out of hand.
- Fiona, they lit me on fire!
- Shrek...
I had everything under control until
they showed up and ruined my Christmas!
- Your Christmas?
- I mean our Christmas.
For you, and the babies.
Christmas is not just about
you or me. Or even the babies.
You just don't get it.
I have to go. I need to
apologize to our friends.
Fiona, wait.
I don't understand why
Shrek had to be so mean and cranky.
We were tryin' to do what you wanted!
- What're you talking about?
- What you said this morning.
You and Shrek wanted to
have a big, noisy family Christmas.
I said it was our first
Christmas together as a family.
Right. That's me and everybody else.
Then he lost his temper like that.
You know, Donkey, none of us
really asked Shrek what he wanted.
I must agree with the Princess.
And you, were no Christmas angel.
- I don't remember askin' you anything!
- Donkey.
I'm sorry, Princess. You're right.
- Still, Shrek didn't have to be so...
- What?
Pigheaded? Stubborn? Mean?
Well, maybe I am all those
things, but I'm an ogre, OK?
So here's the thing.
I'm sorry you took getting kicked out
of my house the wrong way.
No, wait. What I meant to say is
I know you're just trying to be
helpful in your irritating fashion...
- Ay, caramba!
- Some people can't help being annoying.
- Shrek!
- Look,
I shouldn't have lost my temper.
- Apology accepted. Let's eat.
- Wait a minute.
There's somethin' more to this.
Come on, what's goin' on?
Look, all I wanted was to make
this perfect for my family,
but I don't even know
what Christmas means.
The thing is,
this is my first Christmas too.
Hold up, Shrek! You mean
that you never had...
- No.
- Not even one?
- No!
- You mean no chestnuts,
no Santa, no presents,
no stockings?
- No nut cakes?!
- Donkey!
No, none of that.
Ogres don't celebrate Christmas.
Ogres don't celebrate anything.
Oh, man, now I'm all emotional.
- Come here, gimme a hug!
- All right, that's close enough.
OK, all right, I just...
guess I got... a little
excited about Christmas and
all the presents and mistletoe
and everything,
and I forgot that it's...
It's about us all bein' together,
and I'm... I'm sorry, Shrek.
I know, Donkey, and... and I'm sorry
it ended up in a great big fight.
Christmas is all about big fights.
My mama used to say, "Christmas ain't
Christmas till somebody cries."
Usually that someone's me.
There is no right way to
do Christmas. You just do it.
Ja, with schnitzel!
- And eggnog!
- And cheese!
- And family.
- Yeah. And family.
So despite the fact that you
drive me crazy at times...
Yes, Donkey, I'm lookin' at you.
...it would mean a lot to me if
you'd all come back and join us.
OK, I guess I deserved that.
Don't push your luck.
They got you good, Shrek!
That wasn't even funny!
Who did that?
Well, that's the last
of the spare blankets.
Sorry, but this is my spot. I never get
the good spots, so I specifically...
So we are pigs,
pigs in the blanket, ja?
- Ja.
- Ja.
- This is funny then, ja?
- Ja, ja.
- This is funny.
- Ja.
- Yep, that's a good one.
- Good night, everyone.
- It's time for lights out.
- We can't go to sleep yet.
We haven't heard a bedtime story. Right?
Shrek, yeah!
All right. All right.
Don't need this.
OK.
'Twas the night before Christmas
Not a swamp rat did creep
As mother and babe
played kazoo in their sleep
Now, the sight of the house
would make any ogre droop
For 'twas sickeningly sweet
as unicorn poop
Yet who was arriving
to help this lost cause?
The foul, the vile
and handsome Ogre Claus
Hey. How's it goin'?
He looked all around
and scratched at his beard
And said...
And said...
This place is worse
than I thought... feared.
So he grabbed up his belly
and screwed up his face
And let loose a...
That transformed the place
With a gleam in his eye
his work here was done
And then to the babies
he gave one by one
A festering bottle
of stinky swamp juice
And for mommy a kiss
and a good Christmas goose
Four hundred twenty five degrees,
Then digging a finger
inside of his nose
And giving a nod up
the chimney he rose
And I heard him exclaim
as he drove out of sight
"Smelly Christmas to all,
and to all a gross night!"
Ho, ho, ho!
Ho, ho, ho!
- Ho, ho, ho!
- Santa?!
Ho, ho, ho!
That's better.
All clean.
He sees you when you're sleepin'
He knows when you're awake
What are you doing here?
- And what are you talking about?
- I'm talkin' about Santa Claus!
Only 159 days left till
Christmas, so you better be good.
I'd better be good? How 'bout this? You
better be scarce. Now go on.
I don't care about Christmas.
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
- Donkey!
- 51 days left till Christmas.
Get your butt in gear
and get your marshmallows,
because without marshmallows,
sweet potatoes are nothin'!
Enough! I don't care
about any of this nonsense.
Now shoo!
OK. But don't say
I didn't say I told you so.
Smashing through the snow
And laughin' all the way
It's finally here. Tomorrow's Christmas
Eve! Got everything ready?
- No.
- You haven't trimmed stockings
or hung your chestnuts
or roasted the tree?
- Or figgified your puddin'?
- Donkey!
Will you get it through your head?
No one here gives
a hoot about Christmas!
A white Christmas!
How perfect.
And it's our first one together
as a family. Isn't this exciting?
Oh, yeah!
How 'bout that?
There's somethin' Shrek needs to...
Don't ruin the surprise
for her, Donkey.
Surprise?
Oh, I love surprises!
You're the best. Come on,
let's go make some cookies.
OK, you a dead man.
You know that?
Hold that thought.
I'll be right back.
OH, good, you're still open.
No, we're closing now.
Merry Christmas.
Wait, wait, wait! I need your help.
I have to make a Christmas,
and I have no idea
what it is or how to do it!
Why didn't you say so?
That's super.
I know all about Christmas,
and I've just the book.
Christmas for Village Idiots.
It's all spelled out. See?
One, decorate house.
Two, the stockings by the fireplace.
Step three, the Christmas feast.
- What's that?
- Step four? The Christmas tree!
The tree goes inside the house?
Anyway, step five, the telling
of the Christmas story.
This is the step that says
I created the perfect Christmas
for my perfect family perfectly.
Family by the fire,
everyone cozy and warm.
Happy, happy. Voila!
- Sure.
- Long story short,
it's all right here.
It's no problem.
- Perfect.
- I mean, how hard can it be?
- I didn't get the eggnog!
- Closed?! What do you mean?
- Dwight the Knight action figure?
- Marshmallows!
Sweet potatoes are nothing
without marshmallows!
Bye-bye. Have a super Christmas.
Honey, is that you?
Fiona! What are
you doing up so early?
- Are you OK?
- I'm all right.
What are you? Are you decorating?
- Yeah, that. Surprised?
- Yes.
Well, this is our first
Christmas together as a family,
and, you know, I just want to
make sure that it's perfect.
Shrek, I think... it's beautiful.
- It's passable.
- It's horrible!
- Donkey!
- They usually toilet paper and run.
Whoever did this means business!
Get rid of all this
and get tinsel and doilies and ribbons
and some plastic reindeer.
What is it you wanted today?
It's Christmas Eve!
I've brought you a little somethin'.
Go ahead, take a couple.
I bought plenty for everybody!
Oh, isn't that... nice.
Well, thanks for stopping by for that
brief visit, but as you can see,
there's a lot of work to do.
Just like him to wait till last minute.
Don't worry, there's one thing I
know, it's Christmas.
He's gonna want help,
advice, and he's definitely...
Actually, I think what he really wants
is a nice family Christmas.
Oh, a family Christmas.
Yeah. It's the
first one with the kids.
Don't say a word.
I know exactly what you mean.
I got a lot to do now,
so I better get movin'.
Thank you, Donkey!
And Merry Christmas!
All right. Merry Christmas!
Love and joy come to you
and to me some waffles too
Donkey's right. It's Christmas Eve.
How am I ever gonna
get this done in time?
This is gonna be
the best Christmas ever.
And we're going to do it together,
so come on.
Everything looks so good!
Nice job, honey.
Well, we all did it together.
Now what would the perfect Christmas
be without a Christmas story?
'Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring...
What?
- Merry Christmas, Shrek!
- Oh, not you!
We're here to smother you
with Christmas love!
Absolutely not!
Bad Donkey! Go home!
How are you gonna have
Christmas without family?
- Seasons greeting!
- Happy Holidays!
- Merry Christmas!
- A nice surprise!
Oh, yeah.
OK, I will assume the position.
- I am the joy-filled swine!
- Yay, for the season of love!
This is for stockings.
You can't be hanging laundry up!
Donkey! Don't touch anything.
How we gonna roast chestnuts
on this little bitty fire?
Hey, baby, you mind?
- Oh, boy!
- This way, gents.
That was our supper!
Hey!
Did you hurt yourself
when you fell out of heaven?
- Where are we going to put it?
- I don't know.
Let's put it over here.
No, that is not with the feng shui.
Come on, everybody, let's dance!
- Occupied!
- It's me. Shrek?
- Yes?
- Come back to the party. Please?
I don't think
that'd be such a good idea.
Come on. It's not that bad.
OK, I know you're
not a party person, but...
But what? This is not the
kind of Christmas I had in mind.
They're our friends, Shrek.
They all mean well.
- How many babies did Fiona have?
- She has babies?
- I don't know.
- I better get back to the house.
Surprised we have
a house to go back to.
- Are you coming?
- I can hardly wait.
Finally!
Look at him go!
Excuse me! Excuse me!
Excuse you for what?
I don't feel very good.
- I feel better now.
- A chocolate chip!
Sweetheart?
Mind if I cut in?
Don't stop believing
Up and down the boulevard
I am a little Christmas angel!
Hey there, my sweeties.
Would you like Daddy
to finish the story for you?
Yeah?
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds,
- while visions of sugarplums...
- Were you tellin' 'em
The Night Before Christmas?
That's the best Christmas story ever!
- I'm the best teller ever!
- Donkey...
I got it committed
to memorization!
- Gather round!
- Donkey! Wait!
I'm supposed to tell
the Christmas story.
'Twas the night before Christmas
and I spent all the day
Finishin' up on my Christmas display
Now, missin' all this
would be nothin' but tragic
So just follow me
and I'll show you the magic
Now, out in the yard
in a glorious clutter
Is a spectacle there that'll
make your heart flutter
With 20-foot cheese balls
and a big eggnog fountain
And yodelin' elves
on an ambrosia mountain
A stage where acrobats
jump, leap and prance
And honor the day
through interpretive dance
But just when you think
the display is complete
The Christmas parade
comes right down the street
With holiday floats
all in silver and blue
With sugarplum fairies
and a reindeer or two
There's a baton-twirlin'
snowman all happy and perky
Magical peacocks
and a dancin' roast turkey
And right when you think
that you've just seen it all
Comes a huge waffle Santa
that's 50 feet tall
Ho, ho, ho!
With syrup and butter
the sight just amazes
As it's flanked by a choir
all singin' his praises
- Donkey.
- Santa?
- Donkey!
- Santa!
Donkey!
Very inappropriate, amigo.
Please, allow me.
- Oh, Puss, not you too.
- In my homeland,
we tell a very different tale
of the Santa Nicholas.
He's not made of waffles.
This Santa was suave
He was nothing like that
The Santa I know
was a hot Latin cat
He was dressed all in fur
from his head to his paws
And he stood there heroic
A real Santa... Claws
Red are his boots
- And so is his cape
- Ol!
His sword is a cane
that tastes like crab cake
He wears a fine belt
and a leather cravat
And there's a cute fuzzy thing
which hangs down from his hat
I have shamed myself.
- Ol!
- All right, everybody,
if you leave now,
you can beat the holiday traffic.
Phooey with all your
sunshine and lollipops!
Where I come from,
Christmas is a nightmare.
'Twas the night before Christmas
and the prettiest sights
Were my sweetheart beside me
in the bright Christmas lights
...until they got home.
When they looked at the car door
handle, and they found a hook!
Gingy, cut it out! You're
really givin' me the creeps!
Oh, come on,
I was just teasin'.
Come here, you.
Gingy, I couldn't stay mad at you.
What was that?
Oh, no, you don't. I'm not
fallin' for that again.
No, I'm really, really
seriously not kidding.
Gingy!
Suzie!
No! No! No!
That's the most ridiculous
thing I've ever heard.
- That's not how it goes.
- You weren't there!
All right, everyone,
I've had just about enough!
All I wanted was a nice
Christmas with my family.
That's exactly why we're all here!
Come on, let's finish tellin' my story.
No, Donkey, that's not what I meant.
And get out of my chair.
- Hey, what's this?
- Donkey, let go of the book.
- Why are you whisperin'?
- I'm not kiddin'. Give me the book!
- Heimlich!
- Ja?
- No, Heimlich!
- Oh, ja!
My eye!
Stop, drop and roll, Shrek!
- Somebody get some water!
- I got it!
Don't worry, Shrek,
everything is under control!
Oh, boy.
- The tea is ready.
- Out!
I want everybody out
of my house right now!
Well, that's a real nice way
to treat your guests on Christmas!
And if you think I'm gonna give you
a present now, you are sadly mistaken!
You want to give me a present?
Then go away!
- That's all I wanted!
- Fine! I'm going!
Good, then go!
You go and have yourself
a merry Christmas.
- Ebenezer Shrek!
- And a "Bah, humbug" to you too!
- We could come to our house.
- We have plenty of schnitzel.
Now maybe we can...
Fiona? Where you going?
Shrek, you just kicked
everybody out on Christmas.
Well, that wasn't Christmas.
That was chaos!
Look, I know it didn't
go like you wanted.
What I wanted was a perfect
Christmas for me and my family.
- That was our family.
- You call that a family?
That was a natural disaster!
On Christmas, that's how it
works. Yes, it was crowded.
Yes, it got
a little out of hand.
- Fiona, they lit me on fire!
- Shrek...
I had everything under control until
they showed up and ruined my Christmas!
- Your Christmas?
- I mean our Christmas.
For you, and the babies.
Christmas is not just about
you or me. Or even the babies.
You just don't get it.
I have to go. I need to
apologize to our friends.
Fiona, wait.
I don't understand why
Shrek had to be so mean and cranky.
We were tryin' to do what you wanted!
- What're you talking about?
- What you said this morning.
You and Shrek wanted to
have a big, noisy family Christmas.
I said it was our first
Christmas together as a family.
Right. That's me and everybody else.
Then he lost his temper like that.
You know, Donkey, none of us
really asked Shrek what he wanted.
I must agree with the Princess.
And you, were no Christmas angel.
- I don't remember askin' you anything!
- Donkey.
I'm sorry, Princess. You're right.
- Still, Shrek didn't have to be so...
- What?
Pigheaded? Stubborn? Mean?
Well, maybe I am all those
things, but I'm an ogre, OK?
So here's the thing.
I'm sorry you took getting kicked out
of my house the wrong way.
No, wait. What I meant to say is
I know you're just trying to be
helpful in your irritating fashion...
- Ay, caramba!
- Some people can't help being annoying.
- Shrek!
- Look,
I shouldn't have lost my temper.
- Apology accepted. Let's eat.
- Wait a minute.
There's somethin' more to this.
Come on, what's goin' on?
Look, all I wanted was to make
this perfect for my family,
but I don't even know
what Christmas means.
The thing is,
this is my first Christmas too.
Hold up, Shrek! You mean
that you never had...
- No.
- Not even one?
- No!
- You mean no chestnuts,
no Santa, no presents,
no stockings?
- No nut cakes?!
- Donkey!
No, none of that.
Ogres don't celebrate Christmas.
Ogres don't celebrate anything.
Oh, man, now I'm all emotional.
- Come here, gimme a hug!
- All right, that's close enough.
OK, all right, I just...
guess I got... a little
excited about Christmas and
all the presents and mistletoe
and everything,
and I forgot that it's...
It's about us all bein' together,
and I'm... I'm sorry, Shrek.
I know, Donkey, and... and I'm sorry
it ended up in a great big fight.
Christmas is all about big fights.
My mama used to say, "Christmas ain't
Christmas till somebody cries."
Usually that someone's me.
There is no right way to
do Christmas. You just do it.
Ja, with schnitzel!
- And eggnog!
- And cheese!
- And family.
- Yeah. And family.
So despite the fact that you
drive me crazy at times...
Yes, Donkey, I'm lookin' at you.
...it would mean a lot to me if
you'd all come back and join us.
OK, I guess I deserved that.
Don't push your luck.
They got you good, Shrek!
That wasn't even funny!
Who did that?
Well, that's the last
of the spare blankets.
Sorry, but this is my spot. I never get
the good spots, so I specifically...
So we are pigs,
pigs in the blanket, ja?
- Ja.
- Ja.
- This is funny then, ja?
- Ja, ja.
- This is funny.
- Ja.
- Yep, that's a good one.
- Good night, everyone.
- It's time for lights out.
- We can't go to sleep yet.
We haven't heard a bedtime story. Right?
Shrek, yeah!
All right. All right.
Don't need this.
OK.
'Twas the night before Christmas
Not a swamp rat did creep
As mother and babe
played kazoo in their sleep
Now, the sight of the house
would make any ogre droop
For 'twas sickeningly sweet
as unicorn poop
Yet who was arriving
to help this lost cause?
The foul, the vile
and handsome Ogre Claus
Hey. How's it goin'?
He looked all around
and scratched at his beard
And said...
And said...
This place is worse
than I thought... feared.
So he grabbed up his belly
and screwed up his face
And let loose a...
That transformed the place
With a gleam in his eye
his work here was done
And then to the babies
he gave one by one
A festering bottle
of stinky swamp juice
And for mommy a kiss
and a good Christmas goose
Four hundred twenty five degrees,
Then digging a finger
inside of his nose
And giving a nod up
the chimney he rose
And I heard him exclaim
as he drove out of sight
"Smelly Christmas to all,
and to all a gross night!"
Ho, ho, ho!
Ho, ho, ho!
- Ho, ho, ho!
- Santa?!
Ho, ho, ho!