Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday the Thirteenth (2000) Movie Script
Previously in teen
horror films...
Hello, and welcome
to Movie Phone !
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- Dad?
- Hello, Cindy.
This isn't Cindy.
I think you have
a wrong number.
Uh, wait a minute.
What number did I dial?
- Who is this?
- The Killer.
- Is that yours or mine?
- Ignore it, I have voicemail.
Do you like movies?
Yeah, sure.
I rented some tonight.
What kind of movies?
The usual-- Vaseline Alley,
Two Guys and a Girl and a Horse,
- A Big Black...
- I get it! I get it!
Do you like
scary movies?
You mean like
Spike Lee movies?
Lay off the Spikester.
He's keeping it real.
Let's play a game.
Do you like games?
I guess...
Alright, a train leaves
Chicago doing 60 miles an hour...
Math ! How am I supposed
to know that?
I'm a beautiful, popular, rich kid
with a promising future...
...in a lightweight sorority
at a state college.
I don't need to know that stuff,
I'm gonna get married.
Shut up!
Shut up, you nit wit.
Do you think this
stalking thing is easy?
- Whoa !
Are you in my pool?
Hello?
- Collect call from...
- The Killer.
- Will you accept the charges?
- Whatever.
Go ahead.
Killer: Thanks,
now where were we?
- Now look, geek.
- No, you look.
If you don't get this next question
right, you're dead meat.
Who's buried in Grant's tomb?
Ummm, Hugh Grant?
I'm afraid not, genius.
It was Amy Grant, wasn't it?
I was gonna say that!
It doesn't matter.
You didn't answer
in the form of a question !
Hey, you're
not Marilyn Melons !
Hello.
Yeah, hold on a minute.
It's Stacey.
H i.
Do you mind?
Nothing.
What are you doing?
Oh my God.
What did she say?
She is such a bitch !
I've got to go.
I'll call you back.
Oooh. Oooh.
I'm melting.
PA: Good morning,
students.
Cheerleader try-outs
will be held after school today,
in the gym.
You must be 1 8 and comfortable
with partial nudity.
- Did not.
- Did too.
- Did not.
- Did too.
Did too.
Mom !
Alright, Dawson.
If you'll just sign here,
you'll be officially registered
at Bulemia Falls H igh School.
Hey, new kid !
Slab, is that the way we introduce
ourselves to the new kid?
Sorry, Mrs. Peacock.
Ha !
Two for flinchin', New Kid.
H i, I'm Dawson.
That's better.
Man: We have rules
at this school, Mister.
And "no" means "no."
I'm never gonna get laid.
Dawson, I'd like to introduce
you to Principal Interest.
Ahem.
Oh, I'm sorry.
"The Administrator Formerly
Known As Principal."
Wannabe.
Hey, New Kid !
Oh God !
Looks like someone is gonna have
to show you the ropes.
Boner?
It's pronounced
Bah-ner, sir.
The "O" is soft.
Not according
to Resusci-Annie.
Just show him around.
And for God's sakes,
wash your hands first.
Mary, you're next.
H i, I'm Boner.
It's nice to meet you.
Yeah? "Witch?"
Try "rhymes with..."
Charmed my ass !
Call me.
Goddamn Shannon Doherty.
Hey, New Kid !
I'm Barbara.
- How'd you like a Hertz Donut?
- I'd love one. Thanks.
Ow!
H urts, don't it?
Hey, guys.
- H i Martina.
- H i, Mrs. Peacock.
Hey, New Kid.
Dawson: Wait a minute.
Is she...?
Did you hear the news?
- Wrestling's fake?
- I'm not pregnant?
He who smelt it,
dealt it?
No, about Screw.
Slut. Whore.
Do you have her number?
Who?
Murdered. Gutted.
Flayed, sliced, diced,
fried and hung.
Jesus !
I'm never gonna get laid.
And it's all over
the TV and news.
Oh great!
Now everbody knows !
Do they know who did it?
Some guy in a ghost mask.
That doesn't sound scary.
Store-bought?
Ewwww!
PA: Attention,
students:
The fight between the Bloods
and the Crips
is postponed
until next Friday.
Refreshments and
a lovely dance will follow.
At least
I feel safe here.
Hi, Chuckie !
Wanna play?
We'll be okay
at school.
Nothing can happen
to us here.
This is the kind of thing
you read about.
Books are pretty.
Oh my God, he's right.
What's the big deal?
Kids get killed everyday.
This is high s chool.
Slab: No, Dawson.
This kid was white.
So?
And, she was popular--
like me.
Ohhh.
I hope that's
Barbara Walters.
What a rack.
H i, I'm Hagatha Utslay
from Empty-V News.
Kids, what do you
think about...
Wait, is that Dawson?
Tape this.
Chop, chop,
you fat rat bastard !
I'm Hagatha U tsley live
from Bulemia Fall H igh...
where we're surrounded here by
a group of "innocent" students,
most importantly,
Dawson Deery.
Student, drum major...
...and inspiration for
my best-selling book
" Dawson Is A Murderer."
- That book sucked.
- Not according to Oprah.
It was her pick
of the month.
So was "Chicken Soup
for the Butt."
That doesn't mean
I killed anyone.
Stay away from me.
Isn't it true
that your whole entire family
was murdered under
mysterious circumstances
while you were supposedly
at "camp"?
- H uh?
- H uh?
- Ooh !
- Bitch went down !
Just like home !
Yeah that, and they didn't
have a boxing team.
Guys, that is no way
to treat a lady.
U nless she burns the toast.
That's no lady.
What are you doing
here anyway, Doughy?
You're not a real cop.
Shouldn't you be guarding
the Orange Julius.
NYPD Gap,
Sergeant Sears,
food court police.
How many times
have I told you guys,
mall se curity is just as
important as real police.
It is !
Loitering and stealing
pennies from the fountain
are serious crimes that carry--
Mom says you're a loser anyway.
Well, Mom says you have
a fat ass.
Dad left be cause he hated you.
No, he left be cause
he hated you.
He wasn't even your
real dad anyway.
You know, I read your diary,
Miss "Boo hoo, my gym teacher
molested me."
- Dork.
- Dyke.
What?
Excuse me, I don't mean
to interrupt this family reunion,
but are you actually working
on this case, officer?
Primessuspekt.
Doughy Primessuspekt.
And, yes I am.
It te chnically, falls under
my jurisdiction be cause
"The Killer's" costume was stolen
from the Spencers at my mall,
that, and some whoopee
cushions and some fake dog shit.
Pardon me, "canine" shit,
who cares about that crap?
I do.
A cool kid was gutted
last night.
Come on, it's probably some
harmless high s chool prank.
Look, this is lame.
Let's get out of here.
Hey, you guys, I got an idea !
Let's all make a pact
to lose our virginities
before graduation.
I'm in.
In unison:
We're not.
Yeah, me neither.
Yeah !
Little bastards.
I could just kill 'em.
Yeah, but you didn't,
did you?
I'm just kidding you.
No really--
You didn't kill them, did you?
So, you're one of those
network reporters, huh?
Actually cable.
But that's just as important.
Oh, it's more important.
Be cause on cable you can
see butts and boobies,
and you can say bullshit
and bastard.
So, do you actually have
any inside dirt?
As a matter of fact, I do.
Killer boots.
Thanks, I like yours too.
Thanks.
I guess I'll see you later.
I hope so.
- Oh, sorry.
- That's okay.
Come on, lard-ass !
I'm gonna keep
my eye on her.
She's got class.
Attention students:
The band fundraiser
will be held next Thursday
in the auditorium.
Lick'er in the front,
poker in the rear.
I didn't do it!
We didn't say you did it.
Boner, you couldn't get laid
at Lilith Fair...
much less kill somebody.
I could too.
Well, kill somebody I mean.
I could kill all of you.
But I wouldn't.
Oh.
That's what I'm saying.
I didn't do it.
Now Slab...
he's a killer.
Just look at those earlobes.
Way low.
Really?
H mmm. Skinny mirror.
That guy looks really familiar.
That's Spacey, Dawson.
He's banging the French teacher.
Really?
She's from France.
Paris, France.
Madame La Tourneau.
Yeah, he says
the sex is awesome.
Lucky dog.
Au revoir, Spacey.
Call me later.
Say bye-bye to Pa-pa.
Bye-bye.
- Hey, Martina.
- No, Boner.
Hey, Dawson, do you have
any lotion I can borrow?
It's for my rash.
I've got to go to class.
Okay.
Okay, settle down, class.
Settle down. Settle down.
That's it. That's it.
I'm your substitute,
Mrs. Tingle.
Today we're going
to be studying
about the perse cution
of the Jewish people.
Who can tell me what the verb
is in this sentence?
Sabrina? Moesha? Daria?
Ooh? Eeh? Ooh ah ah?
Who can tell me if Frankenstein
was circumcised?
Martina? Don't forget to give
Grandma her laxative.
I won't.
Slab, I think you've had enough.
Why?
Be cause you won't have
any room for beer.
Whew, that was close.
Man, if I wre cked,
my dad would kill me.
Hand me a beer.
Guys, I think our senior year
is going to be the best ever.
I'm the new Kielbasa queen.
I just got accepted to
Harv ard Law School, baby.
I just got a foreign exchange
student living in my house.
She's Swedish !
- And I just got a D in math !
- Yeah !
Slab! Look out!
I think I hit something.
I think I'm going to be sick.
Yup, I've got a fever.
Slab, you've got blood
all over you.
Oh, that's no problem.
It comes out with
a little tequila.
Old s cout trick.
Slab, give me a hand.
Wasn't that trophy enough?
Yes, but we have
to dump this deer.
Alright, sweetie.
Can everybody keep a se cret?
Mar-teeen-ahhhhhhhhhhh.
Yes.
This never happened.
Who can tell me how
to conjugate the verb "expire"?
" Doughy."
That's an interesting name.
Thanks.
It's my dad's name.
He's a baker.
Hagatha.
Now that's a beautiful name.
Thanks.
My friends calls me Hag.
Oh, do they?
That's so cute.
Dammit! She's flat!
Actually, they're C cups.
I guess I got to get
these things redone.
Doughy.
Doughy...
I was wondering, how did you get
into this line of work?
Well, I got too fat
for the ballet,
and I could never
get my bulge right,
so I figured,
"What the hell?"
Hagatha...
Do you have a boyfriend?
Well, not yet.
Mail order, huh?
I tried that a few times myself.
If it doesn't work out,
would you let me know?
I sure will.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Okay, Tiffany, Amber,
into the chair.
Come on, shake it!
Ladies...
Now, I need a volunteer.
Boner, you look like a victim.
You're up.
B-But, Mr. Hasselhof,
I-I can't swim...
- Perfe ct.
- No!
Parko!
I want to live.
Oh yeah, I want to live...
Yeah, right now, please !
Yeah.
Not so much tongue, Amber.
Now this is a textbook example
of mouth to mouth resus citation.
Some of you may want
to practice this at home.
Or, if you'd like
to stay after class,
- I'd be more than happy to...
- Ewwwww!
Boner!
It's Bah-ner, sir!
Not at the moment...
You have to make sure
this gets to the governor
as soon as possible.
It's my last chance,
little brother.
Otherwise, I'll fry.
Don't worry, Jimmy.
You can count on me.
Time's up, Boner!
It's Bah-ner, ma'am.
Not for long.
Dead Boner Walking.
I hope you guys don't mind,
I may have to get home early.
Me and Milli,
my Swedish exchange student,
are about halfway
through the Kama Sutra.
Awww, Boner.
I don't want to share you.
Yeah, what's she got
that we don't have?
A twin sister.
Slab!
Look out!
Can everybody keep a se cret?
I'll fry.
Yes.
This never happened.
I'm never going to get laid.
Slab, I think you've had enough.
Really, darling?
Your concern is admirable,
but completely without merit.
I'm doing splendidly.
Anyone read that article in the
Times Science se ction last week?
Seems gene splicing
is all the rage.
Slab! Look out!
Can everybody keep a se cret?
Slab, I'm looking
for your Uncle Lou's urn.
We're s cattering his ashes
today. Have you seen it?
No.
Yes.
This never happened.
Shan... Shan... Shan... ah...
Shan... Shan... ah... kah.
Shanakah. Chachi...
Barbara, I'm afraid
it's worse than we feared.
- N urse Kevorkian, you mean...
- Yes, Barbara.
You have chlamydia...
and gonorrhea...
and syphilis...
and crabs...
Whew, I thought you were going
to say that I have herpes.
Oh yes, and herpes.
Damn those Starbucks
toilet seats.
Now young lady,
isn't there somebody spe cial
you wish to make aware
of your condition?
You mean a teacher?
Or, my dad?
Well, I was thinking more
like a boyfriend...
Oh.
Do you have a yearbook?
Barbara, Barbara,
please take some advice
from a women who's had some
experience in this area.
I wish to explain something
that we in the health profession
refer to as "hitting skins,"
"knocking boots,"
"doing the nasty,"
"bumping uglies..."
I'm talking about sex, dear.
Sex can be a beautiful,
sensuous experience
between a man and a women
who truly love each other
and want to share eternity
laying in each other's
gentle embrace.
Or it can be a dirty,
filthy spankfest
in a bus station bathroom
shared by two anonymous
consenting adults
on a layover in Detroit,
and nobody ever need know.
I think you got my point.
Now, should we go and look
at your x-rays?
X-rays with a pap smear?
Oh, we're very thorough here.
I just can't figure out
what this white spot is.
You know, a pair of tube socks
works ever so much better.
Why, when I was your age...
I had this experience
I'll never forget.
There were three of us,
three of us in one bed...
Barbara, honey?
I'm expe cting Reverend Johnson
today, did he come yet?
Almost.
Barbara, I could never
be as beautiful as you.
Or swallow as much sausage.
Can I have your autograph?
Will you marry me?
- No me !
- No me !
Relax, there's plenty
of Barbara to go around.
Today Ms. Kielbasa Queen,
tomorrow the world.
Carmen Elektra,
watch your back!
Slab! Look out!
Can everybody keep a se cret?
Yes.
This never happened.
...and that's how I knew
I wasn't a lesbian.
Now, Barbara...
I think you need to take this
safe sex kit with you.
You never know when
you may need it.
I gotta go.
Alright, but it may not
be here when you come back.
H i, Doughy.
- H i, baby.
- Chicken?
A little, but it's my job.
Do you have any
new suspe cts yet?
Well, we're che cking out
everyone in town.
Any new developments?
Yeah, my v acation pictures.
Who's that, your grandmother?
With the bong?
Yeah.
Glaucoma?
Spring break.
That's me.
Ooh, no tan lines.
- I feel like a hot dog.
- Footlong?
- At least.
- I'm buying.
I've got a weird feeling,
Dawson.
Wait till you eat
the tuna tacos.
No, I mean Screw being killed.
Oh, that.
There's crazed a killer
on the loose, Dawson.
That dead popular kid
could have been any one of us.
But it wasn't.
So what do you care?
What about next time he attacks?
And you know he will.
Do you have a reserv ation sir?
- Dawson?
- Party of five?
- Wrong network.
- Yes, of course.
Right this way, sir.
I wouldn't worry about
it so much if I were you.
Why?
Be cause you are with me.
Didn't your whole family
get chopped up
and fed to a fish farm?
Allegedly.
And what makes you think
you're so spe cial
he'd want to kill you, anyway?
Well, be cause I got this.
And how do you know it's a he?
Be cause serial killers
and dentists are always men.
I say rufies are bullshit.
I take them before every date
and I never get laid.
Maybe you're not taking enough.
You got one too?
If that's what I think it is,
I got one.
A pres cription for
gyno-lotrimin?
Oh, wrong paper.
What does this mean?
I think I got one too.
What does yours say, Slab?
- Chanu...chanu...ah...kah...
- Give me that.
That's it.
We're all targets.
Oh, God, I knew my beauty
would be a curse.
The bottom line is, everybody
got a note. We're all in danger.
Not everybody.
Fine ! Happy now?
You may already be a victim !
Bad ! Bad Deer!
Bad, bad, bad !
No more salt lick.
Deers don't talk!
What's that?
Slab! Lookout!
No!
I just ate.
Yes, this never happened.
Wow! What did you win?
Duh, Einstein.
It means Dawson's the first
one on the chopping block.
What a relief.
Big deal.
Notes.
It's probably just some
kid playing a joke?
I mean, after all,
it is Halloween.
And Friday the 1 3 th.
On the same day?
Impossible.
Slab's dyslexic.
Besides, a kid couldn't
write that.
At least not a kid
in public s chool.
U nless he was Japanese.
But they're not historically
serial killers.
No, what about Godzilla?
Not te chnically Japanese.
He was born
in international waters.
Ahhhh-so,
what are we gonna do?
"We" nothing, dipshit.
How do I know it's not
one of you guys?
Well, we could all make
handwriting samples.
Slab's out.
Woo-hoo! Not a killer.
Right here. Not a killer.
Wait a se cond,
just be cause he can't read
doesn't mean
he's not the killer.
- Yeah, look at the Clintons.
- What?
No, this is stupid--
and you're stupid.
Why would we want
to kill each other?
Yeah, so what if Slab
lost my term paper
after he copied it
and turned it in as his own
and got an A?
Yeah, and so what
if Barbara told everyone
I got a small s chwantz?
Even though I don't.
Exactly.
So what if Boner's dad
was cheating with my mom
leading to her downward
spiral into alcoholism?
My dad is what?
And you know what's
really strange?
Somehow The Killer always
knows where we are.
You know what we've got to do?
We've got to get out of here.
To some place safe.
Yeah, in the middle
of nowhere.
In the dark woods
and pouring rain...
Without any adult
supervision...
or police prote ction
anywhere in the near vicinity.
And I know just the place.
It's totally deserted
ever since
those dorky kids
were dismembered.
Are you talking
about band camp?
Wait a se cond--
This is stupid.
Let's just all go
to one of your houses.
Hey, that's cool.
My parents are out of town.
They won't bother us.
No, let's go to my house.
My parents are locked
in the basement.
They'll totally
leave us alone.
No, my house.
My parents are divorced
and I spend the weekends
with my dad, but he tries
to make up for lost time
by letting me get
away with murder.
Well, you know what I mean.
Let's go to my house.
My parents are dead !
Alright!
Alright, so we'll stay there
the night, and we'll be safe.
U ntil then, watch your backs.
Would the following
students please report
to the principal's office:
Lou Sur, and Heywood Jablome.
Your reading s cores
are average, Jimmy,
but, you're killing
on a 12th grade level !
Congratulations, you're going
to do just fine at the seminary.
How about that Michael Dunne?
Now there's an ass
that won't quit.
You're telling me.
He's in my third period class.
I'd like to jump his bones.
Hey, did you finish grading
your term papers?
I was too hung over.
Did you read any of yours?
I never read them.
Who does?
Do you know where I could get
an unregistered handgun?
You got 50 bucks?
I can get it by Friday.
I'll see what I can do.
## You'll have a fresh attitude ##
## When you're holding
your knife ##
## With Mentals, fresh can be
your knight ##
## Lady Luck will lift you up, ##
## When you're sporting
fresh breath. ##
## Before you strike ##
## Death goes better
with Mentals freshness ##
## Death goes better
with Mentals freshness ##
## Death goes better ##
## With you and
all you do with your knife ##
Attention students:
Tonight's PTA meeting
will be held at the Hooter's
Restaurant in Glendale.
Please remind your parents.
Also, whoever put real meat
in todays lunch,
please remove it.
Man, this car sucks.
What a pie ce of shit.
Hey, guys.
What are you talking about?
Don't you see what I see?
Why, this car's automatic !
Systematic !
It's hydromatic !
Why it's Greased Frightening !
## I used to call you up
on the phone ##
## Just to give you a s care ##
## Yeah, keep on talkin'
Oh, just keep on talkin' ##
## You know you bought
the farm but good ##
## When you're askin'
who's there ##
## I want my mommy.
Oh, I want my mommy ##
## With the four-speed
on the floor ##
## You're just waiting
at the door ##
## ...Greased Frightening. ##
What a fag.
Let's go paint
it on his locker.
Of course it's stupid
if no one else sings.
Dicks.
Mr. Andretti?
No!
No!
No!
Great.
What the s cratch?
Whew!
License and active warrants.
There you go.
May I have your
attention for the results
of yesterday's pregnancy tests.
Susan Savinsky - negative;
Melissa Blake - positive.
Jonathan Weiner - negative.
Did you know
that most serial killers
have an extra chromosome?
Really?
Yeah, trust me.
I'm from Wis consin.
That's a really nice gun.
Thanks, my mom bought it for me.
I'm saving up for my bullets.
- N ine millimeter?
- When it's cold.
You know a lot about this stuff.
Well, I have to.
My demos show
that I'm most popular
with felons and bed wetters.
Perfe ct.
Then I'm your man.
You do like to watch?
Who doesn't?
"Sieg Heil ! Sieg Heil ! "
Attention students:
Flight 9 1 6 for Tus cany
will be boarding at Gate 1 4 A.
The white zone is for loading
and unloading
of passengers only.
No parking.
Also, today's happy hour will
be held in the biology lab.
Remember, wings are free
when you buy a pitcher.
And now we're
in the final turn...
it's Martina and the Killer...
the Killer making his move...
Now it's the Killer
and Martina.
Martina now making her move...
Now it's Martina
and the Killer.
Attention students: There will
be a fire drill at 3:05 today.
Please bring your own matches
and lighter fluid.
Ah-hh !
Oh.
Two minutes to "show time."
Or should I say "shower time"?
Oh yeah !
Come to papa.
Slab?
Dawson?
Martina?
Eureka !
Alright!
Wait a minute...
What the--
Okay, okay. Okay.
Faculty coming through.
Hello!
Aren't any of you
on the Internet?
Put a leash on it, Tarzan.
Hello, gang !
Welcome to Sex Education.
If you aren't registered
for this course,
or are a Southern Baptist,
you're in the wrong room.
Ta ta.
A churching we go.
Okay, let's get started by
reviewing the basics, shall we?
Who remembers my two friends
Peter Longfellow
and Virginia Tulips?
Hey, baby, you smell like beer.
Oh Peter, please--
I've always relied
on the kindness of strangers.
Eat my stranger!
Ooooh ! Ow! Daddy! Daddy!
Yes?
Mr. Buchanan,
may I please be excused?
Couldn't wait till prom,
Ms. Delgado?
Go.
Go go go go.
Alright, let's move on to
our film, shall we?
I just need a volunteer to put
some fueler in the proje ctor.
Anyone?...
Fueler?...
Fueler?...
Yes.
I'll do it.
Sugar bugger.
There you go.
Knock yourself out.
There you go, killer.
You won't have any trouble
with those deltoids.
Alright, where was I?
The following motion picture
has been rated "X."
It contains adult situations,
adult language and nudity,
lots of nudity.
Extensive pausing or rewinding
will damage film.
Parental absence is suggested.
And now for our feature
presentation...
Hallmark Hall of Fame
proudly presents...
Motley Screw:
The Pam and Tommy Story.
Look, I'm driving the boat.
Look, I'm measuring the couch !
You look like a tripod.
Oh, would you look at that
choice of wallpaper!
Who is your de corator?
Mussolini?
Hey, no one is going
to see this, right baby?
Do you mind practicing
somewhere else?
Ow, this isn't going to help
my sore throat any, is it?
Scissors cut paper.
You lose !
Look, I'm polev aulting.
Ah, that's why I don't
wear underwear.
That was amazing
wasn't it, baby?
I just love playing
naughty Killer
and Prison Psy chiatrist
with you...
but next time, don't pull
so tight...
that's my good s carf.
Let's see what
the kids is up to.
That's what I'm talking about.
Oh, I'm sorry, lover...
Did I leave you hangin?
I know what we need.
Margaritas !
That's what I'm talking about.
See, it's me and you girl.
Alright!
Hey, you kids,
knock off the grab ass.
It's a good thing Principal
Winkler left that futon behind.
Come on, I want to show
you a trick.
Hey, what I just tell you?
Let's go, man.
I didn't see you come in.
Well, what do we have here?
I was just boning up on my CPR,
and I have a sore hip,
so we was in...
Hey, don't make me
come down there.
Alright, that's it.
Damn !
Wannabe.
Cherry v an, man.
Thanks, I bought it from Jewel.
It still smells
like peanut butter.
Oh, my God !
We saw him !
We all did.
Dawson's being interviewed
by the cops right now.
Yeah, but working
with William Kevinson
was a really great
experience for me.
He's a brilliant guy.
Got it?
You're a very attractive man.
Now s cram !
I want to take that home.
...two, one, and-- Welcome back
to Bulemia Falls H igh,
home of Empty-V's
"Spring Break Massacre,"
where we have live coverage
of the coolest murders
in the country...
and hot new videos
from the Backstreet Boys.
- So, Doughy.
- Hey, baby.
Officer Primessuspekt,
is it true that all
the students got notes
from the Killer?
U h-huh.
Well, what does it mean?
Are they in danger?
Well, I don't want
to s care anybody...
but I'd say they are all
strong candidates
for a good old fashioned
ax in the head.
Are we on live?
Hey, dickhead,
get a shot of them.
Officer Primessuspekt, are you
taking any extra pre cautions?
Don't touch me !
And also we'll send a unit out
to whatever deserted location
these kids are going to--
Where is that place, kids?
Rock and roll !
Hey, watch the ceiling fan.
So, I grabbed the bastard
by his cheap costume
and threw him up against
the wall and said to him,
"You want the truth."
"You can't handle the truth."
So, do you want to go upstairs?
H i, Doughy.
Hey, baby.
Are you all ready for tonight?
Let's just say I've got
an itchy trigger finger.
- Poison ivy?
- I showered at the Y.
Bad soap?
Yeah, I guess it's only
supposed to be used externally.
So, how come you have
a rash on your finger then?
Well, I had to get it out.
So, do think the killer's
going to show up?
It's Halloween isn't it?
Colle cting for the U nlucky
Fisherman's Association?
Sorry, Dude.
I gave at the pier.
Okay, so what do you guys
want to watch?
How about Teletubbies?
Nah, we don't have any pot.
Okay, we got Hot Shots,
The Naked Gun.
Ooh, Airplane?
I hear if you pause
it just right you can see
Leslie N ielsen's penis.
Ew!
Parodies are lame.
I'm gonna get some more beer.
I'll be back.
What are you crazy?
You can't talk like that.
We are in a parody situation.
What are you talking about?
A parody.
A killer in a The Killer costume
slaughtering a bunch
of good looking, horny students
at a ridiculously
named high s chool?
Okay, had anybody seen "Scream"?
Yeah, great flick!
For Christ's sakes guys,
"EMPTY-V"?
That's the worst pun
I ever heard.
It's so easy.
I mean, hello!
We all got notes--
"I Know What You
Did Last Summer" !?
That's not what mine said.
- Chan...kah...Chan...
- Give me that!
God, I haven't been so s cared
since I tried out for the WN BA.
Whatever. I'm not s cared.
Oh, Cheap Shot!
There you are.
Oooh, Cheap Shot.
Now, I really need more beer.
Come on guys,
look around you...
Dawson !
What? It's a family name.
Are we gonna be tested on this?
2 4 hour pizza--
If we're not here in 2 4 hours,
we're not coming.
Who ordered the large?
I got it.
No, no, no.
Hagatha, allow me.
No really, I got it.
- No, I got it.
- No really, I got it.
- Hagatha, allow me.
- I'll flip you for it...
You're on !
Best two-out-of-three?
Okay.
Alright listen.
There are certain rules
you have to follow
in a parody situation
if you want to survive.
Okay, number one:
Exaggerate everything.
N umber 88:
Accept the ridiculous
as logical.
Don't worry,
I know how to please a woman.
Sexual sight gags--
always funny.
We're almost there.
Almost there.
Come on baby, yeah !
Yes ! Yes !
Yes ! I got it!
Oh yeah ! Oh.
And along with wacky
sound effe cts...
Here's Boner.
and unlimited absurdity...
Remember, nothing is s cared.
Damn it!
Just perfe ct.
You're forgetting
"Point out the obvious."
And finally, perpetuate
painful stereotypes.
That's ridiculous !
See, now that's Orion...
and that's his penis.
No, that's the Big Dipper.
Really? I call mine
"Thor's Hammer."
I can't see shit.
Bottom line is,
parodies come from the truth.
It's observ ation.
So if something
looks familiar, heads up.
Ha-ha, Boner.
Boner?
Stay back, asshole !
Damn these fake tits.
This surveillance work
is really interesting.
Yeah.
It must be really hard trying to
be so inconspicuous and quiet.
Right, well not everybody
is cut out for it, you know.
Hey, have you ever heard
me play the drums?
Damn !
Hey, not bad.
Here it comes.
"And don't call me Shirley! "
Hey, hey guys.
They just found the
Administrator Formerly
Known as Principal,
bound and gagged, dead.
Let's go down there before
the coroner does...
and play "Weekend at Bernie's"
with him.
And I never got
a chance to know him.
I'll get it.
It could be my accountant.
So, here we are all alone.
Right?
I have something for you,
Dawson.
Oh, yeah?
I want you, Dawson.
You want me to wear that?
No, this is for me.
But this is for you.
Oh.
Wait, wait.
Wait a se cond.
I thought you were a lesbian !
A lesbian?
Why?
Hello?
You play softball.
You watch Ally McBeal.
The WN BA?
No Dawson, I'm not gay.
Barbara's gay.
Barbara?
Big Rosie fan.
- But, you are a witch, right?
- Oh, yeah.
Lame Gag !
You s cared the crap out of us.
What is it, boy?
I'm sorry.
What is it, girl?
Slab's in trouble?
Steroids?
In the bathroom?
Burt Reynolds wears a rug?
O.J. was framed?
Khaki's aren't cool?
I have to disagree with you.
I think you're completely...
Well, fuck you too!
Come on, let's go.
- Slab!
- Oh my gosh !
I think I used too much.
Oh, this is horrible.
I know.
Who is gonna clean this up?
Dawson, no.
There's no point
in beating Dead Horse.
Okay, Dawson, I'm going to ...
Dawson, Dawson !
I was just che cking for clues.
Would you?
Mmmmm, beefy!
You're too late.
Alright.
Alright, pepperoni boy,
let's see 'em.
We made it!
Hold on,
I'll take care of this.
You mean big bully!
You bad, bad, bad killer.
I'm going to s cratch
your eyes out, big bully.
Whoa !
Alright!
Yeah, kick his ass !
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
You sure you're not a lesbian?
Well, once, at camp.
Cool.
Let's find out
who this asshole is.
Who is that?
Abe Lincoln.
Abe?
Okay, come on now.
Take them off.
But, they're company property.
N ice.
Sh-hh.
Did you hear that?
- Oh, excuse me.
- No, not that.
Let's roll.
Hey, wide load, you and pizza dork
gotta hoof it.
Get off!
We're going in !
Come on.
Hey, I think this
is the last one.
You !
Who were you expe cting,
Billy Loomis' mother?
Of course !
Rule N umber 1 0 1 :
You can't have
a successful parody
without mocking, contrived,
confusing endings.
But why, Doughy?
I'm not Doughy, dumbass.
That's not even real.
But it is dastardly.
So if you're not Doughy,
that makes you...
Yes !
Doughy's evil twin cousin,
Harding !
Wow, good twist.
So what's your motive?
In the Millennium--
motives are accidental.
Do you mean "incidental"?
I should have killed you first.
Hey. Hey! Now--
I suppose this is what you
used to disguise your voice.
Helloooo, Cindy!
No, I mean this !
Hello, Martina.
What's your favorite movie?
I am your father, Luke.
Freeze !
Don't shoot, I give up.
- Hardy!
- Yo, Dough !
Doughy, what's going on?
They're identical.
Yeah, one good,
one evil.
Wow, just like the Olsons.
Except where as Harding
enjoys a minuet,
ballet russes
and crepe suzette...
Doughy likes to rock and roll,
a hot dog makes
him lose control.
What a wild duet.
Still, they're cousins.
Identical cousins.
They laugh alike.
They walk alike.
At times
they even talk alike.
And, you can lose your mind.
Shut up everybody!
For God's sakes,
how many times do you think
we've heard that in our lives?
A little respe ct!
Harding !
You're a disgrace and an
embarrassment to our family!
Be cause of the stain
on grandma's dress?
No...
Oh, that.
Yeah.
Listen, I'm really sorry.
Is there any way I can
make it up to you, Doughy?
Well, first of all,
you can take that costume back
to its rightful owners
at the mall.
I don't have the re ceipt.
I'll make some calls.
But don't forget
about the fake dogshit.
I didn't take any dogshit.
Alright, you knucklehead,
give me a hug.
Ow.
N ice shot!
H uh?
Oops.
You guys all saw that--
I mean, that was an accident.
Yeah, it happens.
I really need
to get a new shade.
Here, try mine.
Perfe ct.
Well, I've got my s coop.
See ya, Doughy.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait a minute.
What about dinner
at the Wiener Puff?
Or maybe a snack
at the Pretzel Shack?
- Did you bring your bike?
- Uh-huh.
What about us?
Pizza guys get all the pussy.
Don't worry, Doughy,
we've got it all under control.
Yeah, except for
all those dead people.
Yeah. Well.
Let's go, kids.
Alright guys--
bag 'em, tag 'em,
let's wrap this up.
We'll take it from here.
Wow, Doughy.
A twin cousin.
Yeah, the resemblance
was remarkable.
People say we look
like Tom Cruise.
Hey, catering.
Martina.
Dawson.
Boner, you're alive.
God bless Viagra !
It saved my life.
I ate a whole bottle...
And when I had my heart attack,
the blood kept pumping anyway.
I can take this from here.
Yes !
We are so lucky
to have survived.
Now we can be together forever.
Well, at least until the sequel.
The End... as if.
Aren't you gay?
Not on my watch, punk.
Well, I guess
that about does it.
I killed my cousin.
My heart's broken
and my sister's dead.
Dammit, I love this job.
Well, now we're safe,
thank God.
Hey, you want to go for a walk
in the dark, s cary woods?
Sure.
Hey, Dawson !
Everybody! I did it!
I'm not a virgin anymore !
- Hello, Sydney.
- What?
I'm sorry-- I'm losing you.
I said-- hello, Sydney.
You're breaking up--
hello?
Who was it?
I don't know,
but if it's important,
they'll call back.
Damned cell phones.
horror films...
Hello, and welcome
to Movie Phone !
If you know the name of
the movie you'd like to see,
press one.
To choose from a list
of current,
overpriced blood-splattered
blockbusters, press two.
For cheap flicks with
a gay best friend, press three.
For big studio bombs,
press four.
For politically correct
buddy movies, press five.
- Dad?
- Hello, Cindy.
This isn't Cindy.
I think you have
a wrong number.
Uh, wait a minute.
What number did I dial?
- Who is this?
- The Killer.
- Is that yours or mine?
- Ignore it, I have voicemail.
Do you like movies?
Yeah, sure.
I rented some tonight.
What kind of movies?
The usual-- Vaseline Alley,
Two Guys and a Girl and a Horse,
- A Big Black...
- I get it! I get it!
Do you like
scary movies?
You mean like
Spike Lee movies?
Lay off the Spikester.
He's keeping it real.
Let's play a game.
Do you like games?
I guess...
Alright, a train leaves
Chicago doing 60 miles an hour...
Math ! How am I supposed
to know that?
I'm a beautiful, popular, rich kid
with a promising future...
...in a lightweight sorority
at a state college.
I don't need to know that stuff,
I'm gonna get married.
Shut up!
Shut up, you nit wit.
Do you think this
stalking thing is easy?
- Whoa !
Are you in my pool?
Hello?
- Collect call from...
- The Killer.
- Will you accept the charges?
- Whatever.
Go ahead.
Killer: Thanks,
now where were we?
- Now look, geek.
- No, you look.
If you don't get this next question
right, you're dead meat.
Who's buried in Grant's tomb?
Ummm, Hugh Grant?
I'm afraid not, genius.
It was Amy Grant, wasn't it?
I was gonna say that!
It doesn't matter.
You didn't answer
in the form of a question !
Hey, you're
not Marilyn Melons !
Hello.
Yeah, hold on a minute.
It's Stacey.
H i.
Do you mind?
Nothing.
What are you doing?
Oh my God.
What did she say?
She is such a bitch !
I've got to go.
I'll call you back.
Oooh. Oooh.
I'm melting.
PA: Good morning,
students.
Cheerleader try-outs
will be held after school today,
in the gym.
You must be 1 8 and comfortable
with partial nudity.
- Did not.
- Did too.
- Did not.
- Did too.
Did too.
Mom !
Alright, Dawson.
If you'll just sign here,
you'll be officially registered
at Bulemia Falls H igh School.
Hey, new kid !
Slab, is that the way we introduce
ourselves to the new kid?
Sorry, Mrs. Peacock.
Ha !
Two for flinchin', New Kid.
H i, I'm Dawson.
That's better.
Man: We have rules
at this school, Mister.
And "no" means "no."
I'm never gonna get laid.
Dawson, I'd like to introduce
you to Principal Interest.
Ahem.
Oh, I'm sorry.
"The Administrator Formerly
Known As Principal."
Wannabe.
Hey, New Kid !
Oh God !
Looks like someone is gonna have
to show you the ropes.
Boner?
It's pronounced
Bah-ner, sir.
The "O" is soft.
Not according
to Resusci-Annie.
Just show him around.
And for God's sakes,
wash your hands first.
Mary, you're next.
H i, I'm Boner.
It's nice to meet you.
Yeah? "Witch?"
Try "rhymes with..."
Charmed my ass !
Call me.
Goddamn Shannon Doherty.
Hey, New Kid !
I'm Barbara.
- How'd you like a Hertz Donut?
- I'd love one. Thanks.
Ow!
H urts, don't it?
Hey, guys.
- H i Martina.
- H i, Mrs. Peacock.
Hey, New Kid.
Dawson: Wait a minute.
Is she...?
Did you hear the news?
- Wrestling's fake?
- I'm not pregnant?
He who smelt it,
dealt it?
No, about Screw.
Slut. Whore.
Do you have her number?
Who?
Murdered. Gutted.
Flayed, sliced, diced,
fried and hung.
Jesus !
I'm never gonna get laid.
And it's all over
the TV and news.
Oh great!
Now everbody knows !
Do they know who did it?
Some guy in a ghost mask.
That doesn't sound scary.
Store-bought?
Ewwww!
PA: Attention,
students:
The fight between the Bloods
and the Crips
is postponed
until next Friday.
Refreshments and
a lovely dance will follow.
At least
I feel safe here.
Hi, Chuckie !
Wanna play?
We'll be okay
at school.
Nothing can happen
to us here.
This is the kind of thing
you read about.
Books are pretty.
Oh my God, he's right.
What's the big deal?
Kids get killed everyday.
This is high s chool.
Slab: No, Dawson.
This kid was white.
So?
And, she was popular--
like me.
Ohhh.
I hope that's
Barbara Walters.
What a rack.
H i, I'm Hagatha Utslay
from Empty-V News.
Kids, what do you
think about...
Wait, is that Dawson?
Tape this.
Chop, chop,
you fat rat bastard !
I'm Hagatha U tsley live
from Bulemia Fall H igh...
where we're surrounded here by
a group of "innocent" students,
most importantly,
Dawson Deery.
Student, drum major...
...and inspiration for
my best-selling book
" Dawson Is A Murderer."
- That book sucked.
- Not according to Oprah.
It was her pick
of the month.
So was "Chicken Soup
for the Butt."
That doesn't mean
I killed anyone.
Stay away from me.
Isn't it true
that your whole entire family
was murdered under
mysterious circumstances
while you were supposedly
at "camp"?
- H uh?
- H uh?
- Ooh !
- Bitch went down !
Just like home !
Yeah that, and they didn't
have a boxing team.
Guys, that is no way
to treat a lady.
U nless she burns the toast.
That's no lady.
What are you doing
here anyway, Doughy?
You're not a real cop.
Shouldn't you be guarding
the Orange Julius.
NYPD Gap,
Sergeant Sears,
food court police.
How many times
have I told you guys,
mall se curity is just as
important as real police.
It is !
Loitering and stealing
pennies from the fountain
are serious crimes that carry--
Mom says you're a loser anyway.
Well, Mom says you have
a fat ass.
Dad left be cause he hated you.
No, he left be cause
he hated you.
He wasn't even your
real dad anyway.
You know, I read your diary,
Miss "Boo hoo, my gym teacher
molested me."
- Dork.
- Dyke.
What?
Excuse me, I don't mean
to interrupt this family reunion,
but are you actually working
on this case, officer?
Primessuspekt.
Doughy Primessuspekt.
And, yes I am.
It te chnically, falls under
my jurisdiction be cause
"The Killer's" costume was stolen
from the Spencers at my mall,
that, and some whoopee
cushions and some fake dog shit.
Pardon me, "canine" shit,
who cares about that crap?
I do.
A cool kid was gutted
last night.
Come on, it's probably some
harmless high s chool prank.
Look, this is lame.
Let's get out of here.
Hey, you guys, I got an idea !
Let's all make a pact
to lose our virginities
before graduation.
I'm in.
In unison:
We're not.
Yeah, me neither.
Yeah !
Little bastards.
I could just kill 'em.
Yeah, but you didn't,
did you?
I'm just kidding you.
No really--
You didn't kill them, did you?
So, you're one of those
network reporters, huh?
Actually cable.
But that's just as important.
Oh, it's more important.
Be cause on cable you can
see butts and boobies,
and you can say bullshit
and bastard.
So, do you actually have
any inside dirt?
As a matter of fact, I do.
Killer boots.
Thanks, I like yours too.
Thanks.
I guess I'll see you later.
I hope so.
- Oh, sorry.
- That's okay.
Come on, lard-ass !
I'm gonna keep
my eye on her.
She's got class.
Attention students:
The band fundraiser
will be held next Thursday
in the auditorium.
Lick'er in the front,
poker in the rear.
I didn't do it!
We didn't say you did it.
Boner, you couldn't get laid
at Lilith Fair...
much less kill somebody.
I could too.
Well, kill somebody I mean.
I could kill all of you.
But I wouldn't.
Oh.
That's what I'm saying.
I didn't do it.
Now Slab...
he's a killer.
Just look at those earlobes.
Way low.
Really?
H mmm. Skinny mirror.
That guy looks really familiar.
That's Spacey, Dawson.
He's banging the French teacher.
Really?
She's from France.
Paris, France.
Madame La Tourneau.
Yeah, he says
the sex is awesome.
Lucky dog.
Au revoir, Spacey.
Call me later.
Say bye-bye to Pa-pa.
Bye-bye.
- Hey, Martina.
- No, Boner.
Hey, Dawson, do you have
any lotion I can borrow?
It's for my rash.
I've got to go to class.
Okay.
Okay, settle down, class.
Settle down. Settle down.
That's it. That's it.
I'm your substitute,
Mrs. Tingle.
Today we're going
to be studying
about the perse cution
of the Jewish people.
Who can tell me what the verb
is in this sentence?
Sabrina? Moesha? Daria?
Ooh? Eeh? Ooh ah ah?
Who can tell me if Frankenstein
was circumcised?
Martina? Don't forget to give
Grandma her laxative.
I won't.
Slab, I think you've had enough.
Why?
Be cause you won't have
any room for beer.
Whew, that was close.
Man, if I wre cked,
my dad would kill me.
Hand me a beer.
Guys, I think our senior year
is going to be the best ever.
I'm the new Kielbasa queen.
I just got accepted to
Harv ard Law School, baby.
I just got a foreign exchange
student living in my house.
She's Swedish !
- And I just got a D in math !
- Yeah !
Slab! Look out!
I think I hit something.
I think I'm going to be sick.
Yup, I've got a fever.
Slab, you've got blood
all over you.
Oh, that's no problem.
It comes out with
a little tequila.
Old s cout trick.
Slab, give me a hand.
Wasn't that trophy enough?
Yes, but we have
to dump this deer.
Alright, sweetie.
Can everybody keep a se cret?
Mar-teeen-ahhhhhhhhhhh.
Yes.
This never happened.
Who can tell me how
to conjugate the verb "expire"?
" Doughy."
That's an interesting name.
Thanks.
It's my dad's name.
He's a baker.
Hagatha.
Now that's a beautiful name.
Thanks.
My friends calls me Hag.
Oh, do they?
That's so cute.
Dammit! She's flat!
Actually, they're C cups.
I guess I got to get
these things redone.
Doughy.
Doughy...
I was wondering, how did you get
into this line of work?
Well, I got too fat
for the ballet,
and I could never
get my bulge right,
so I figured,
"What the hell?"
Hagatha...
Do you have a boyfriend?
Well, not yet.
Mail order, huh?
I tried that a few times myself.
If it doesn't work out,
would you let me know?
I sure will.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Okay, Tiffany, Amber,
into the chair.
Come on, shake it!
Ladies...
Now, I need a volunteer.
Boner, you look like a victim.
You're up.
B-But, Mr. Hasselhof,
I-I can't swim...
- Perfe ct.
- No!
Parko!
I want to live.
Oh yeah, I want to live...
Yeah, right now, please !
Yeah.
Not so much tongue, Amber.
Now this is a textbook example
of mouth to mouth resus citation.
Some of you may want
to practice this at home.
Or, if you'd like
to stay after class,
- I'd be more than happy to...
- Ewwwww!
Boner!
It's Bah-ner, sir!
Not at the moment...
You have to make sure
this gets to the governor
as soon as possible.
It's my last chance,
little brother.
Otherwise, I'll fry.
Don't worry, Jimmy.
You can count on me.
Time's up, Boner!
It's Bah-ner, ma'am.
Not for long.
Dead Boner Walking.
I hope you guys don't mind,
I may have to get home early.
Me and Milli,
my Swedish exchange student,
are about halfway
through the Kama Sutra.
Awww, Boner.
I don't want to share you.
Yeah, what's she got
that we don't have?
A twin sister.
Slab!
Look out!
Can everybody keep a se cret?
I'll fry.
Yes.
This never happened.
I'm never going to get laid.
Slab, I think you've had enough.
Really, darling?
Your concern is admirable,
but completely without merit.
I'm doing splendidly.
Anyone read that article in the
Times Science se ction last week?
Seems gene splicing
is all the rage.
Slab! Look out!
Can everybody keep a se cret?
Slab, I'm looking
for your Uncle Lou's urn.
We're s cattering his ashes
today. Have you seen it?
No.
Yes.
This never happened.
Shan... Shan... Shan... ah...
Shan... Shan... ah... kah.
Shanakah. Chachi...
Barbara, I'm afraid
it's worse than we feared.
- N urse Kevorkian, you mean...
- Yes, Barbara.
You have chlamydia...
and gonorrhea...
and syphilis...
and crabs...
Whew, I thought you were going
to say that I have herpes.
Oh yes, and herpes.
Damn those Starbucks
toilet seats.
Now young lady,
isn't there somebody spe cial
you wish to make aware
of your condition?
You mean a teacher?
Or, my dad?
Well, I was thinking more
like a boyfriend...
Oh.
Do you have a yearbook?
Barbara, Barbara,
please take some advice
from a women who's had some
experience in this area.
I wish to explain something
that we in the health profession
refer to as "hitting skins,"
"knocking boots,"
"doing the nasty,"
"bumping uglies..."
I'm talking about sex, dear.
Sex can be a beautiful,
sensuous experience
between a man and a women
who truly love each other
and want to share eternity
laying in each other's
gentle embrace.
Or it can be a dirty,
filthy spankfest
in a bus station bathroom
shared by two anonymous
consenting adults
on a layover in Detroit,
and nobody ever need know.
I think you got my point.
Now, should we go and look
at your x-rays?
X-rays with a pap smear?
Oh, we're very thorough here.
I just can't figure out
what this white spot is.
You know, a pair of tube socks
works ever so much better.
Why, when I was your age...
I had this experience
I'll never forget.
There were three of us,
three of us in one bed...
Barbara, honey?
I'm expe cting Reverend Johnson
today, did he come yet?
Almost.
Barbara, I could never
be as beautiful as you.
Or swallow as much sausage.
Can I have your autograph?
Will you marry me?
- No me !
- No me !
Relax, there's plenty
of Barbara to go around.
Today Ms. Kielbasa Queen,
tomorrow the world.
Carmen Elektra,
watch your back!
Slab! Look out!
Can everybody keep a se cret?
Yes.
This never happened.
...and that's how I knew
I wasn't a lesbian.
Now, Barbara...
I think you need to take this
safe sex kit with you.
You never know when
you may need it.
I gotta go.
Alright, but it may not
be here when you come back.
H i, Doughy.
- H i, baby.
- Chicken?
A little, but it's my job.
Do you have any
new suspe cts yet?
Well, we're che cking out
everyone in town.
Any new developments?
Yeah, my v acation pictures.
Who's that, your grandmother?
With the bong?
Yeah.
Glaucoma?
Spring break.
That's me.
Ooh, no tan lines.
- I feel like a hot dog.
- Footlong?
- At least.
- I'm buying.
I've got a weird feeling,
Dawson.
Wait till you eat
the tuna tacos.
No, I mean Screw being killed.
Oh, that.
There's crazed a killer
on the loose, Dawson.
That dead popular kid
could have been any one of us.
But it wasn't.
So what do you care?
What about next time he attacks?
And you know he will.
Do you have a reserv ation sir?
- Dawson?
- Party of five?
- Wrong network.
- Yes, of course.
Right this way, sir.
I wouldn't worry about
it so much if I were you.
Why?
Be cause you are with me.
Didn't your whole family
get chopped up
and fed to a fish farm?
Allegedly.
And what makes you think
you're so spe cial
he'd want to kill you, anyway?
Well, be cause I got this.
And how do you know it's a he?
Be cause serial killers
and dentists are always men.
I say rufies are bullshit.
I take them before every date
and I never get laid.
Maybe you're not taking enough.
You got one too?
If that's what I think it is,
I got one.
A pres cription for
gyno-lotrimin?
Oh, wrong paper.
What does this mean?
I think I got one too.
What does yours say, Slab?
- Chanu...chanu...ah...kah...
- Give me that.
That's it.
We're all targets.
Oh, God, I knew my beauty
would be a curse.
The bottom line is, everybody
got a note. We're all in danger.
Not everybody.
Fine ! Happy now?
You may already be a victim !
Bad ! Bad Deer!
Bad, bad, bad !
No more salt lick.
Deers don't talk!
What's that?
Slab! Lookout!
No!
I just ate.
Yes, this never happened.
Wow! What did you win?
Duh, Einstein.
It means Dawson's the first
one on the chopping block.
What a relief.
Big deal.
Notes.
It's probably just some
kid playing a joke?
I mean, after all,
it is Halloween.
And Friday the 1 3 th.
On the same day?
Impossible.
Slab's dyslexic.
Besides, a kid couldn't
write that.
At least not a kid
in public s chool.
U nless he was Japanese.
But they're not historically
serial killers.
No, what about Godzilla?
Not te chnically Japanese.
He was born
in international waters.
Ahhhh-so,
what are we gonna do?
"We" nothing, dipshit.
How do I know it's not
one of you guys?
Well, we could all make
handwriting samples.
Slab's out.
Woo-hoo! Not a killer.
Right here. Not a killer.
Wait a se cond,
just be cause he can't read
doesn't mean
he's not the killer.
- Yeah, look at the Clintons.
- What?
No, this is stupid--
and you're stupid.
Why would we want
to kill each other?
Yeah, so what if Slab
lost my term paper
after he copied it
and turned it in as his own
and got an A?
Yeah, and so what
if Barbara told everyone
I got a small s chwantz?
Even though I don't.
Exactly.
So what if Boner's dad
was cheating with my mom
leading to her downward
spiral into alcoholism?
My dad is what?
And you know what's
really strange?
Somehow The Killer always
knows where we are.
You know what we've got to do?
We've got to get out of here.
To some place safe.
Yeah, in the middle
of nowhere.
In the dark woods
and pouring rain...
Without any adult
supervision...
or police prote ction
anywhere in the near vicinity.
And I know just the place.
It's totally deserted
ever since
those dorky kids
were dismembered.
Are you talking
about band camp?
Wait a se cond--
This is stupid.
Let's just all go
to one of your houses.
Hey, that's cool.
My parents are out of town.
They won't bother us.
No, let's go to my house.
My parents are locked
in the basement.
They'll totally
leave us alone.
No, my house.
My parents are divorced
and I spend the weekends
with my dad, but he tries
to make up for lost time
by letting me get
away with murder.
Well, you know what I mean.
Let's go to my house.
My parents are dead !
Alright!
Alright, so we'll stay there
the night, and we'll be safe.
U ntil then, watch your backs.
Would the following
students please report
to the principal's office:
Lou Sur, and Heywood Jablome.
Your reading s cores
are average, Jimmy,
but, you're killing
on a 12th grade level !
Congratulations, you're going
to do just fine at the seminary.
How about that Michael Dunne?
Now there's an ass
that won't quit.
You're telling me.
He's in my third period class.
I'd like to jump his bones.
Hey, did you finish grading
your term papers?
I was too hung over.
Did you read any of yours?
I never read them.
Who does?
Do you know where I could get
an unregistered handgun?
You got 50 bucks?
I can get it by Friday.
I'll see what I can do.
## You'll have a fresh attitude ##
## When you're holding
your knife ##
## With Mentals, fresh can be
your knight ##
## Lady Luck will lift you up, ##
## When you're sporting
fresh breath. ##
## Before you strike ##
## Death goes better
with Mentals freshness ##
## Death goes better
with Mentals freshness ##
## Death goes better ##
## With you and
all you do with your knife ##
Attention students:
Tonight's PTA meeting
will be held at the Hooter's
Restaurant in Glendale.
Please remind your parents.
Also, whoever put real meat
in todays lunch,
please remove it.
Man, this car sucks.
What a pie ce of shit.
Hey, guys.
What are you talking about?
Don't you see what I see?
Why, this car's automatic !
Systematic !
It's hydromatic !
Why it's Greased Frightening !
## I used to call you up
on the phone ##
## Just to give you a s care ##
## Yeah, keep on talkin'
Oh, just keep on talkin' ##
## You know you bought
the farm but good ##
## When you're askin'
who's there ##
## I want my mommy.
Oh, I want my mommy ##
## With the four-speed
on the floor ##
## You're just waiting
at the door ##
## ...Greased Frightening. ##
What a fag.
Let's go paint
it on his locker.
Of course it's stupid
if no one else sings.
Dicks.
Mr. Andretti?
No!
No!
No!
Great.
What the s cratch?
Whew!
License and active warrants.
There you go.
May I have your
attention for the results
of yesterday's pregnancy tests.
Susan Savinsky - negative;
Melissa Blake - positive.
Jonathan Weiner - negative.
Did you know
that most serial killers
have an extra chromosome?
Really?
Yeah, trust me.
I'm from Wis consin.
That's a really nice gun.
Thanks, my mom bought it for me.
I'm saving up for my bullets.
- N ine millimeter?
- When it's cold.
You know a lot about this stuff.
Well, I have to.
My demos show
that I'm most popular
with felons and bed wetters.
Perfe ct.
Then I'm your man.
You do like to watch?
Who doesn't?
"Sieg Heil ! Sieg Heil ! "
Attention students:
Flight 9 1 6 for Tus cany
will be boarding at Gate 1 4 A.
The white zone is for loading
and unloading
of passengers only.
No parking.
Also, today's happy hour will
be held in the biology lab.
Remember, wings are free
when you buy a pitcher.
And now we're
in the final turn...
it's Martina and the Killer...
the Killer making his move...
Now it's the Killer
and Martina.
Martina now making her move...
Now it's Martina
and the Killer.
Attention students: There will
be a fire drill at 3:05 today.
Please bring your own matches
and lighter fluid.
Ah-hh !
Oh.
Two minutes to "show time."
Or should I say "shower time"?
Oh yeah !
Come to papa.
Slab?
Dawson?
Martina?
Eureka !
Alright!
Wait a minute...
What the--
Okay, okay. Okay.
Faculty coming through.
Hello!
Aren't any of you
on the Internet?
Put a leash on it, Tarzan.
Hello, gang !
Welcome to Sex Education.
If you aren't registered
for this course,
or are a Southern Baptist,
you're in the wrong room.
Ta ta.
A churching we go.
Okay, let's get started by
reviewing the basics, shall we?
Who remembers my two friends
Peter Longfellow
and Virginia Tulips?
Hey, baby, you smell like beer.
Oh Peter, please--
I've always relied
on the kindness of strangers.
Eat my stranger!
Ooooh ! Ow! Daddy! Daddy!
Yes?
Mr. Buchanan,
may I please be excused?
Couldn't wait till prom,
Ms. Delgado?
Go.
Go go go go.
Alright, let's move on to
our film, shall we?
I just need a volunteer to put
some fueler in the proje ctor.
Anyone?...
Fueler?...
Fueler?...
Yes.
I'll do it.
Sugar bugger.
There you go.
Knock yourself out.
There you go, killer.
You won't have any trouble
with those deltoids.
Alright, where was I?
The following motion picture
has been rated "X."
It contains adult situations,
adult language and nudity,
lots of nudity.
Extensive pausing or rewinding
will damage film.
Parental absence is suggested.
And now for our feature
presentation...
Hallmark Hall of Fame
proudly presents...
Motley Screw:
The Pam and Tommy Story.
Look, I'm driving the boat.
Look, I'm measuring the couch !
You look like a tripod.
Oh, would you look at that
choice of wallpaper!
Who is your de corator?
Mussolini?
Hey, no one is going
to see this, right baby?
Do you mind practicing
somewhere else?
Ow, this isn't going to help
my sore throat any, is it?
Scissors cut paper.
You lose !
Look, I'm polev aulting.
Ah, that's why I don't
wear underwear.
That was amazing
wasn't it, baby?
I just love playing
naughty Killer
and Prison Psy chiatrist
with you...
but next time, don't pull
so tight...
that's my good s carf.
Let's see what
the kids is up to.
That's what I'm talking about.
Oh, I'm sorry, lover...
Did I leave you hangin?
I know what we need.
Margaritas !
That's what I'm talking about.
See, it's me and you girl.
Alright!
Hey, you kids,
knock off the grab ass.
It's a good thing Principal
Winkler left that futon behind.
Come on, I want to show
you a trick.
Hey, what I just tell you?
Let's go, man.
I didn't see you come in.
Well, what do we have here?
I was just boning up on my CPR,
and I have a sore hip,
so we was in...
Hey, don't make me
come down there.
Alright, that's it.
Damn !
Wannabe.
Cherry v an, man.
Thanks, I bought it from Jewel.
It still smells
like peanut butter.
Oh, my God !
We saw him !
We all did.
Dawson's being interviewed
by the cops right now.
Yeah, but working
with William Kevinson
was a really great
experience for me.
He's a brilliant guy.
Got it?
You're a very attractive man.
Now s cram !
I want to take that home.
...two, one, and-- Welcome back
to Bulemia Falls H igh,
home of Empty-V's
"Spring Break Massacre,"
where we have live coverage
of the coolest murders
in the country...
and hot new videos
from the Backstreet Boys.
- So, Doughy.
- Hey, baby.
Officer Primessuspekt,
is it true that all
the students got notes
from the Killer?
U h-huh.
Well, what does it mean?
Are they in danger?
Well, I don't want
to s care anybody...
but I'd say they are all
strong candidates
for a good old fashioned
ax in the head.
Are we on live?
Hey, dickhead,
get a shot of them.
Officer Primessuspekt, are you
taking any extra pre cautions?
Don't touch me !
And also we'll send a unit out
to whatever deserted location
these kids are going to--
Where is that place, kids?
Rock and roll !
Hey, watch the ceiling fan.
So, I grabbed the bastard
by his cheap costume
and threw him up against
the wall and said to him,
"You want the truth."
"You can't handle the truth."
So, do you want to go upstairs?
H i, Doughy.
Hey, baby.
Are you all ready for tonight?
Let's just say I've got
an itchy trigger finger.
- Poison ivy?
- I showered at the Y.
Bad soap?
Yeah, I guess it's only
supposed to be used externally.
So, how come you have
a rash on your finger then?
Well, I had to get it out.
So, do think the killer's
going to show up?
It's Halloween isn't it?
Colle cting for the U nlucky
Fisherman's Association?
Sorry, Dude.
I gave at the pier.
Okay, so what do you guys
want to watch?
How about Teletubbies?
Nah, we don't have any pot.
Okay, we got Hot Shots,
The Naked Gun.
Ooh, Airplane?
I hear if you pause
it just right you can see
Leslie N ielsen's penis.
Ew!
Parodies are lame.
I'm gonna get some more beer.
I'll be back.
What are you crazy?
You can't talk like that.
We are in a parody situation.
What are you talking about?
A parody.
A killer in a The Killer costume
slaughtering a bunch
of good looking, horny students
at a ridiculously
named high s chool?
Okay, had anybody seen "Scream"?
Yeah, great flick!
For Christ's sakes guys,
"EMPTY-V"?
That's the worst pun
I ever heard.
It's so easy.
I mean, hello!
We all got notes--
"I Know What You
Did Last Summer" !?
That's not what mine said.
- Chan...kah...Chan...
- Give me that!
God, I haven't been so s cared
since I tried out for the WN BA.
Whatever. I'm not s cared.
Oh, Cheap Shot!
There you are.
Oooh, Cheap Shot.
Now, I really need more beer.
Come on guys,
look around you...
Dawson !
What? It's a family name.
Are we gonna be tested on this?
2 4 hour pizza--
If we're not here in 2 4 hours,
we're not coming.
Who ordered the large?
I got it.
No, no, no.
Hagatha, allow me.
No really, I got it.
- No, I got it.
- No really, I got it.
- Hagatha, allow me.
- I'll flip you for it...
You're on !
Best two-out-of-three?
Okay.
Alright listen.
There are certain rules
you have to follow
in a parody situation
if you want to survive.
Okay, number one:
Exaggerate everything.
N umber 88:
Accept the ridiculous
as logical.
Don't worry,
I know how to please a woman.
Sexual sight gags--
always funny.
We're almost there.
Almost there.
Come on baby, yeah !
Yes ! Yes !
Yes ! I got it!
Oh yeah ! Oh.
And along with wacky
sound effe cts...
Here's Boner.
and unlimited absurdity...
Remember, nothing is s cared.
Damn it!
Just perfe ct.
You're forgetting
"Point out the obvious."
And finally, perpetuate
painful stereotypes.
That's ridiculous !
See, now that's Orion...
and that's his penis.
No, that's the Big Dipper.
Really? I call mine
"Thor's Hammer."
I can't see shit.
Bottom line is,
parodies come from the truth.
It's observ ation.
So if something
looks familiar, heads up.
Ha-ha, Boner.
Boner?
Stay back, asshole !
Damn these fake tits.
This surveillance work
is really interesting.
Yeah.
It must be really hard trying to
be so inconspicuous and quiet.
Right, well not everybody
is cut out for it, you know.
Hey, have you ever heard
me play the drums?
Damn !
Hey, not bad.
Here it comes.
"And don't call me Shirley! "
Hey, hey guys.
They just found the
Administrator Formerly
Known as Principal,
bound and gagged, dead.
Let's go down there before
the coroner does...
and play "Weekend at Bernie's"
with him.
And I never got
a chance to know him.
I'll get it.
It could be my accountant.
So, here we are all alone.
Right?
I have something for you,
Dawson.
Oh, yeah?
I want you, Dawson.
You want me to wear that?
No, this is for me.
But this is for you.
Oh.
Wait, wait.
Wait a se cond.
I thought you were a lesbian !
A lesbian?
Why?
Hello?
You play softball.
You watch Ally McBeal.
The WN BA?
No Dawson, I'm not gay.
Barbara's gay.
Barbara?
Big Rosie fan.
- But, you are a witch, right?
- Oh, yeah.
Lame Gag !
You s cared the crap out of us.
What is it, boy?
I'm sorry.
What is it, girl?
Slab's in trouble?
Steroids?
In the bathroom?
Burt Reynolds wears a rug?
O.J. was framed?
Khaki's aren't cool?
I have to disagree with you.
I think you're completely...
Well, fuck you too!
Come on, let's go.
- Slab!
- Oh my gosh !
I think I used too much.
Oh, this is horrible.
I know.
Who is gonna clean this up?
Dawson, no.
There's no point
in beating Dead Horse.
Okay, Dawson, I'm going to ...
Dawson, Dawson !
I was just che cking for clues.
Would you?
Mmmmm, beefy!
You're too late.
Alright.
Alright, pepperoni boy,
let's see 'em.
We made it!
Hold on,
I'll take care of this.
You mean big bully!
You bad, bad, bad killer.
I'm going to s cratch
your eyes out, big bully.
Whoa !
Alright!
Yeah, kick his ass !
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
You sure you're not a lesbian?
Well, once, at camp.
Cool.
Let's find out
who this asshole is.
Who is that?
Abe Lincoln.
Abe?
Okay, come on now.
Take them off.
But, they're company property.
N ice.
Sh-hh.
Did you hear that?
- Oh, excuse me.
- No, not that.
Let's roll.
Hey, wide load, you and pizza dork
gotta hoof it.
Get off!
We're going in !
Come on.
Hey, I think this
is the last one.
You !
Who were you expe cting,
Billy Loomis' mother?
Of course !
Rule N umber 1 0 1 :
You can't have
a successful parody
without mocking, contrived,
confusing endings.
But why, Doughy?
I'm not Doughy, dumbass.
That's not even real.
But it is dastardly.
So if you're not Doughy,
that makes you...
Yes !
Doughy's evil twin cousin,
Harding !
Wow, good twist.
So what's your motive?
In the Millennium--
motives are accidental.
Do you mean "incidental"?
I should have killed you first.
Hey. Hey! Now--
I suppose this is what you
used to disguise your voice.
Helloooo, Cindy!
No, I mean this !
Hello, Martina.
What's your favorite movie?
I am your father, Luke.
Freeze !
Don't shoot, I give up.
- Hardy!
- Yo, Dough !
Doughy, what's going on?
They're identical.
Yeah, one good,
one evil.
Wow, just like the Olsons.
Except where as Harding
enjoys a minuet,
ballet russes
and crepe suzette...
Doughy likes to rock and roll,
a hot dog makes
him lose control.
What a wild duet.
Still, they're cousins.
Identical cousins.
They laugh alike.
They walk alike.
At times
they even talk alike.
And, you can lose your mind.
Shut up everybody!
For God's sakes,
how many times do you think
we've heard that in our lives?
A little respe ct!
Harding !
You're a disgrace and an
embarrassment to our family!
Be cause of the stain
on grandma's dress?
No...
Oh, that.
Yeah.
Listen, I'm really sorry.
Is there any way I can
make it up to you, Doughy?
Well, first of all,
you can take that costume back
to its rightful owners
at the mall.
I don't have the re ceipt.
I'll make some calls.
But don't forget
about the fake dogshit.
I didn't take any dogshit.
Alright, you knucklehead,
give me a hug.
Ow.
N ice shot!
H uh?
Oops.
You guys all saw that--
I mean, that was an accident.
Yeah, it happens.
I really need
to get a new shade.
Here, try mine.
Perfe ct.
Well, I've got my s coop.
See ya, Doughy.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait a minute.
What about dinner
at the Wiener Puff?
Or maybe a snack
at the Pretzel Shack?
- Did you bring your bike?
- Uh-huh.
What about us?
Pizza guys get all the pussy.
Don't worry, Doughy,
we've got it all under control.
Yeah, except for
all those dead people.
Yeah. Well.
Let's go, kids.
Alright guys--
bag 'em, tag 'em,
let's wrap this up.
We'll take it from here.
Wow, Doughy.
A twin cousin.
Yeah, the resemblance
was remarkable.
People say we look
like Tom Cruise.
Hey, catering.
Martina.
Dawson.
Boner, you're alive.
God bless Viagra !
It saved my life.
I ate a whole bottle...
And when I had my heart attack,
the blood kept pumping anyway.
I can take this from here.
Yes !
We are so lucky
to have survived.
Now we can be together forever.
Well, at least until the sequel.
The End... as if.
Aren't you gay?
Not on my watch, punk.
Well, I guess
that about does it.
I killed my cousin.
My heart's broken
and my sister's dead.
Dammit, I love this job.
Well, now we're safe,
thank God.
Hey, you want to go for a walk
in the dark, s cary woods?
Sure.
Hey, Dawson !
Everybody! I did it!
I'm not a virgin anymore !
- Hello, Sydney.
- What?
I'm sorry-- I'm losing you.
I said-- hello, Sydney.
You're breaking up--
hello?
Who was it?
I don't know,
but if it's important,
they'll call back.
Damned cell phones.