Shut Up and Kiss Me (2010) Movie Script

Have you ever used a video
dating service before, hon?
Just be natural.
Talk about yourself,
what you like
because don't worry about it.
Guy-Five-- I am the best all-male
dating service around
because I'm gonna hook you up.
We're gonna do
a little video of you
and your five
hot friends here, okay?
Because they say that we are
a sum of our five closest friends.
Is that perfect?
Are you ready?
Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on.
Hold on for a second.
Oh, what are you doing?
What are you doing?
You've got a cowlick, hon.
I've gotta fix that.
No, that's h0w--
Ow. That's how
I wear my hair
Ooh, God,
it's so much gel.
It's all good.
It's fine now.
Oh, ooh, nice, sweetheart.
Ooh, God, nice body.
One of the perks of my job,
get to touch all the boys.
Okay, you ready?
And, action.
Hi, my name is Ben.
No, no, no, n0, n0,
let's try to be
a little more natural, honey,
not like you got a coat hanger
stuck in your mouth.
Um, hi, my name is Ben.
And I'm looking to go
on a date.
Okay, why don't you tell
the Guy-5 viewers
a little about yourself?
Your stats, like your height,
weight, you know.
I'm 5'9",
and I weigh 190 pounds.
I have brown hair
and Blue eyes.
I'm seven inches circumcised.
Oh, I'm seven inches cut.
No, cut the tape.
Cut the tape.
We don't tell penis size.
Oh, you said tell statistics,
N0, no, honey,
penis size
is a very personal thing
that should be explored
one on one. Okay?
Okay, gotcha.
Okay, yeah.
One on one.
Now let's settle
Ah, let's breathe
into the taint,
out the balls.
Okay, let's relax and smile.
Should I do it from
the beginning 0rjust--
Just continue, honey,
because I'm gonna have to cut
the shit out of this laten
I'm an Aries.
I don't know
what that means,
butl like Thai food,
comic books,
and I'm originally
from New Jersey,
the good part, of course,
and I own a fitness company
with my best friend Vinnie.
Vinnie's straight,
but he's the closest thing
to a brother thatl have.
We have so much in common,
We're both from back east.
Brooklyn all day, baby.
We both like action films.
He likes car chases.
I like Jason Statham.
Uh, we both like chick flicks
and Lisa Loeb.
What the fuck?
No, no we don't.
Whoa. Would you--
you cut with the F-bombs, okay?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Yeah, you should be sorry.
All rig ht, now, let's go.
Come on, Ben.
This is my best friend,
and we own
a business togethen
What's poppin'?
Ben's a good QUY,
so go on a date with him.
Okay, these are my friends
James and Sara.
James and Sara.
You guys should pick Ben.
He'll be like this
all night long.
Oh, and he's huge.
Too bad he's a bottom.
Thank you, James and Sara.
It's not true.
And this is Callie
and Brad.
They just got married.
Yay, married.
And they want to say
a few nice words on my behalf.
Oh, yeah.
Hello, everyone.
Ben is such a doll.
I love you, Ben.
Thank you.
You're my gay boyfriend.
Ben's a commitment-phobe.
Cut, cut, okay.
Whoa... hello?
You guys are trying
to make him look like a catch,
so let's not talk
about his commitment phobia,
his obvious lack of personality,
or the fact
that he uses steroids, okay?
And F-Y-I, sweetheart,
tops are much more in demand.
I don't do steroids,
and I'm not a bottom.
I'm sure you don't, dear,
and I'm sure you aren't.
And you need to stop telling
I'm a commitment-phobe
when it's not true.
But, it is true.
It's not true.
Yes, it is.
Callie, tell them
its not true.
Dude, let's be honest, Ben.
You can't even commit
to keeping your furniture
in the same spot.
That's ridiculous.
Uh, no, not in the slightest,
because every time we come
to your apartment,
the furniture's been moved.
You rearranged it.
Yeah, its nice.
This is feng shui.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, you rearranged it again.
It's nice.
Yeah, this is
for ergonomic reasons.
[clucks tongue]
Are you kidding me?
Now, this is nice.
Yeah, I saw this on HGW
Okay, that probably
wasn't the best example.
Aw, honey.
Okay, these are really cute
tidbits of information,
and I want to put
rusty forks in my eyes,
so why don't wejust,
you kn0w--
I've got deadlines,
and I have to make
six other tapes here,
so we don'twejustskip
your friends,
and you could just tell us
who you are,
where you're from,
and what you like, okay, Ben?
Oh, 0h, butl wanted--
Girl, you are so done. Thank you.
Okay, yeah.
And you, please, just go.
Let's get a step on it.
'Cause I've got a camel toe
and a yeast infection.
I gotta get out of here, 'kay?
Hi, my name is Ben.
I'm 35.
I'm originally
from New Jersey.
I'm single.
I like camping.
I'm more of a dog person,
enjoy comic books.
I'm looking for another guy
like myself,
and if any of sounds
appealing to you,
please respond to my ad.
Thank you.
All rig ht. See, that is something
I can work with.
Thank you.
You have any Monistat around?
What is going on with you?
What ever happened with that video
dating thing you were doing?
No, I cancelled that so fast.
I mean, I guess I met some
interesting guys from there,
but mostly just losers.
Let's see.
Oh, when you left,
rememberl was dating Roy?
Yeah, you remember--
my build, the brown hair,
the website designer
Oh, Roy, yeah.
So we're dating
for about a month,
and then he had to go
on this business trip to Thailand,
so the whole time he's there,
he's calling me,
sending me e-mails, postcards,
telling me
how much he misses me.
"Benny, I can't wait
to come back home."
So he comes back
to the States, and then...
I got to tell you...
While I was in Thailand,
I realized thatThai men,
they're so much deeper
and more spiritual
then white men.
So I can't date you anymore.
You can't?
Well, you're white...
and shallow.
Butl really really want us
to be friends.
There was Shane.
Flex your biceps for me?
Can I what?
Flex for me, baby.
Yeah, it'll really turn me on.
I-- yeah I guess.
Oh, man...
that's so hot.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Are you fucking
kidding me?
No, that was so hot.
Ijust shot my load.
You didn't even touch
I know, right?
I'm really into muscle worship.
Yeah, that's great for you,
but what about me?
Oh, well...
you can still fuck me.
Um, I d0n'tthinkl have
any lube, though.
Hold on a second.
Ic0uldn't find any lube,
but I found some shampoo
thatl rubbed in my ass.
I think it'll be totally fine.
Um, I don't think so.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, the shampoo
Oh, my god.
Oh, my God.
Fuck, that burns.
[water running]
Then there was Tom.
We were dating for a few weeks,
and he told me...
I haven't had sex
since my ex boyfriend
ran out on me
eight months ago.
I'm sorry.
But I'm negative.
Here's my paperwork.
Um, I'm negative, too.
Do you always carry this
around with you?
I don't mean to be forward,
but since we're both negative
and I haven't had sex
in eight months,
could we have sex right now?
Tom, if you haven't had sex
in eight months,
why the hell is there
a used condom on the floor?
That's from eight months ago.
Yeah, eight months.
Did you touch it?
It's dry as a bone.
Go on, touch it.
Hold on to it.
I'm not gonna play CSI
with your used condom.
You know what?
I betl know what happened.
I bet Butch brought it
in from outside,
didn't you?
Bad dog!
You think your dog
dragged that in?
I lied.
I had sex a week ago.
Tom, I was here a week ago.
two days ago.
I was here last night.
Okay, two hours ago.
Can you please forgive me?
Oh, sick.
Wait, what are you
talking about?
I don't see any condom.
Good dog, Butchie Wutchie.
Can we have sex now?
Oh my God,
the dog ate the condom?
Oh, that is so fucking gross.
I know, it's nasty, right?
Wow, those are
some bad dates.
No wonder you quit
the service.
Well, Sara and James
are gonna come over laten
They're going to help me
place this--
I don't kn0w--
Internet ad thing.
Well that'll be fun.
And, you know, I was thinking.
If that doesn't work out,
I can always set you up
with my hairstylistTodd.
Uh, let me think about that.
Hell no.
Why not?
He's nice, has a good job.
He's a flamer,
and he's a big girl.
Haven't we talked about
your internalized homophobia?
Internalized homophobia.
Log Cabin Republicans.
I'm comfortable with it.
Ijust don't wanna sleep
with it.
Just-- You have to tell me
how this whole Internet
dating thing goes.
Well, you know I will.
And, I mean, James uses it
and it seems to work for him,
Okay, Benny,
you know I want
the best for you,
but you also have to remember
thatJames is a slut
that tells everyone he's bi.
Bi, Bisexual,
put that you're a Bi.
Dom alpha male.
Hung big and thick.
Ooh, yeah, thick.
Beer-can thick.
Seven inches.
Ew, eight.
Well, Internet inches.
Likes it rough.
Wants to hit it from the B side.
Bubble butt.
Round and juicy.
Oh, total dom top.
Hey, James,
this is a dating ad.
It's not
some nasty sex thing.
Ew, Sara said it, too.
Guys, I'm placing this ad
for a date,
so I'm not listing beer can,
big and juicy,
thick and bubble
whatever else it was.
Okay, okay,
what about being a Bi?
Oh, God, you're never
going to get laid.
Here, just let me type it
for you.
No, absolutely not.
Hey James, can you type this?
Is this doing it for you?
Whoo. You both really need
some therapy.
Are you straight yet?
You spazzin' out, man.
You placed
a personal ad online?
What's wrong with that?
A lot of people use
the Internet to date.
Yeah, lots of losers.
No, not losers.
People who are just too busy
or can't go to the bars.
Yeah, because they're defective,
i.e. losers. You know what?
Sara and James helped me
place that ad, and you know what?
I'm not defective,
and I'm definitely not a losen
Opinions vary.
And why are you listening
to those two?
It sounds
like s0meone's jealous
because I have friends
and, frankly, you don't.
Yes, I am jealous of that.
Be nice, okay?
Those guys are my friends.
All rig ht.
You know, I'm actually planning
on meeting some of these guys
from my ad this weekend.
Have fun, man.
What? They sounded nice.
On the phone?
Ben, you placed the ad,
like, an hour ago.
No, via e-mail.
This Internet dating,
it's really fast.
Look, there's two requirements
for the broads I meet.
0ne-- they must want
to suck my dick,
and two--
they need to go ass to mouth.
Swallowing is optional.
Wow, that is
a charming checklist.
Hey, d0n'tjudge me.
I get laid.
You jerk off.
'Nuff said.
Hey, are you Ben?
Yeah, are you Joseph?
Yeah, but everyone
calls me Jojo.
You are so cute.
Okay, Jojo?
How old are you?
Here's the chicken...
and the steak.
Nothing like rare meat.
So, you wanna play
head to head?
Excuse me?
On PS3.
What's your user ID?
I don't even know what that is.
Oh, come on.
My mom said
you could come over
after our date
if you wanna play.
Your mom.
Well, yeah.
I mean I live
in the basement.
She's not even
gonna bother us
unless she's doing
my laundry.
Um, in your photo you--
a little bit different.
This is the real me, though.
I hope you don't mind.
I'm pre-op,
will have the surgery soon.
Oh, I think
that's great for you.
I do, but that's just not
really my thing.
Oh, thank God.
You're not my type either,
Oh, I know,
who says that, rig ht?
I'm over Internet dating.
You fool me once.
Seriously, can't you go
to a bar
and get laid like
a normal gay?
Oh, a normal gay?
This isn't about sex.
James, you meet
a lot of guys online.
How come this never happens
to you?
Let me set you up.
At least you'd be getting laid
if you IetJames here
set you up.
Thank you.
Oh, yeah,
I'd be getting laid.
No offense, James,
but you've seen his version
ofacceptable men.
It's back hair
and bad breath.
You'll take anything
connected to a cock.
Steam room cruiser,
schlobbing the knob.
Listen. A cock is a cock.
I am not marrying these guys.
We're just getting off
That's it.
I can't do that.
I need some sort of mental
You are such a girl.
Sara, can youjump in
and help me out here?
Sorry, buddy.
Sex isn't that taboo
with me either
I mean, if they want anal,
it's gotta be love,
but I don't mind jerking
a guy off
and I don't have hang-ups
like you.
I don't have hang-ups.
I don't have hang-ups.
Single male.
Bisexual with girlfriend
out of town.
I cannot put that I'm bisexual.
This is ridiculous.
[cell phone rings]
I just met the cutest guy for you.
I was at Trader Joe 's.
I'm walking down the aisle--
I didn't finish.
Why not?
Callie, your set ups
are always nightmares.
No, they aren 't.
You're crazy,
and you're way too picky
Oh, really?
How about you remember
when you set me up
with Lupe the choreographer?
He was hot.
Callie, you have this idea
that just because
we're both gay,
we're gonna get along.
And then there was
that other guy,
what was his name,
the agent?
John, he was cute,
and he was built.
Built? Those were man boobs,
not pecs,
and cute is
for bunny rabbits, not men.
Oh, and what about Massimo?
That dude was straight.
Not from whatl hear.
Oh, that's my call waiting.
I gotta go.
It's my mom.
I/ove you.
I love you, too.
[doorbell rings]
You look cuter
than your picture.
Excuse me?
From online, dude.
It's me, H0rsehung78.
Guess what?
I'm not wearing underwean
What the hell
are you talking about?
Oh, don't be shy.
You weren't in the chat room,
M: "I wanna eatyourass
all day l0ng."
I have not been
in a chat room.
Look, my girlfriend's
waiting for me.
She's expecting me home
in an hour,
and from the looks of it,
you're packing eight inches,
just like you said.
Let me in,
and I'll blow you.
Listen, I think there's been
a mistake.
Is your name Ben?
Then there's "Ben" no mistake.
This is really awkward.
Come on.
What do you want?
You want a hand job?
You want a blow job, rim job?
You can blow me, too.
It's okay.
Oh, look, everybody says
they have a girlfriend.
It's all right.
Now, normallyl work
as a hooker,
but you're such a hottie,
Ijust wanna do you for free.
A hooken
Let's get off.
Listen, I have to go, okay?
No, you listen.
I drove all this way.
Now, let me in, we'll get off,
and then I'll go.
No, I don't think so.
I'm sorry, I have to go.
Just grab my cock, and then
you'll change your mind.
James, what the fuck?
You know what.
Oh, come on.
You didn't think he was hot?
No, and that's
not even the point.
I'm not trying to hook up
for random sex.
And what are you doing
going into chat rooms
using my picture?
Um, you should be thanking me,
Its not like I kept him
for myself.
Look, he was the hottest
one in there,
and I did it for you, boo.
I'm a true friend.
Listen, no more surprises
at my doon
Uh-huh. Okay.
No, I'm serious.
No more.
Listen, I'm pissed off.
I'm just gonna go.
Go where?
I'm a busy guy.
I've got stuff to do.
I've gotta water my plants,
and run errands.
Okay, lesbian.
Oh, but hey, do you mind
if I call Horsehung78?
I hate to see a good thing
go to waste.
No, you can have him.
I saw the hottest Cro-Mag
run by my house today.
Oh, yeah?
Did you say anything to him?
No, he just ran by.
I chickened out.
I c0uldn'tjust yell, "Hey."
Why not?
Because you know
that's not my style.
Okay, what the fuck
is going on with your neck?
Your neck, dude.
You got a hickey.
Oh, fucking Amber, dude.
I'm so pissed, she clamped
onto me like a vacuum.
I couldn't get her off.
You couldn't get her off?
She's five foot.
She weighs, what, 85 pounds?
I'm telling you, bro.
She had me in this position.
And then she goes up to me
and she says...
Now everyone will know
that you have a girlfriend.
Oh, a girlfriend?
What are you talkin' about,
a girlfriend?
You are marked now,
and you are mine.
Get the fuck outta here.
You wanna play?
All right, that's it.
That's it.
[la ug hing]
Oh, she's
yourgirlfriend now?
Yeah, I guess so,
but she's fuckin' crazy.
Oh, well I think it's sweet
that you've been branded.
All right, enough, enough.
What are you doing tonight?
Callie's gonna come oven
You wanna stop by.
No, I'm watching
a movie with Amber
I'm sorry,
but you're pussy whipped.
She's got you
in the cobra clutch.
Listen, bro, ifl can see
one of these chick flicks with her,
and I actually pretend
to like it,
she lets me fuck her
in the ass.
Oh, you are a gentleman,
aren't you?
Yeah, in the ass.
[water whooshes]
[Six Million Dollar Man
sound effect]
You know, you are stalking him
from your own front lawn.
You know that, right?
I know.
You rearranged
your furniture again.
I know.
Okay, you just have to say
hello next time.
I know.
You should move it
back to the way it was.
This looks terrible.
I know.
What is--
are you in another world?
Can I tell you guys
how cute he is?
Did I tell you?
He's so cute.
I can't get him
out of my brain.
Jesus, stop being
such a pussy
and go say hi to him.
You obviously know exactly
when he runs
by your house every day.
I know.
Oh, M: Runner man,
come on by.
You guys,
this is not subtle.
He's totally gonna know
this is not a coincidence
if the two of you
are out here.
Oh, you've been lurking
out here for a week,
[clucks tongue]
I think he knows already.
Sara, please take
your popcorn inside.
Listen, Chomps-a-lot,
you are not helping
things any.
Oh, here he comes.
Don't look.
Don't look.
Oh, my gosh,
he's so cute.
Oh, he is really cute.
Don't look.
Don't look.
Say hi to him.
Say hi to him.
Hey, nice ass.
You're hot.
My friend thinks you're cute.
He's single.
He waved back.
He waved back.
What is wrong with you?
Ben, he's really cute.
You two suck.
Grow some balls.
He's cute.
Yeah, we're helping you.
We're trying
to play matchmaken
That was definitely
not helping me,
and it was not playing
No, because
ifwe'd have played matchmaker,
you'd be talking
to him and not us.
N ['70s soul]
[phone rings]
Hey Lover.
What you doing?
Going for a drink with Foxy.
Wanna come out?
Or are you still sitting
on your lawn stalking--
I mean, watering your plants?
No bitch,
I'm in for the night.
I'm about to go to bed.
Is that music I hear?
Were you about to jerk off?
II [stops]
Loser, you total/y were.
You probably have
a candle burning.
No, I don't have
a candle burning.
Okay, go drown yourself
in your own cum.
You know what?
Kill yourself.
Okay, I'll call you
tomorrow, stalker.
I'm gonna call Ben
and fuck with him.
Get off of your lawn.
I'm not even on my lawn.
Yeah, you are.
I can hear the cars
driving back and forth
in the background.
I'm hanging up now.
Just say hi.
Just say hi.
Just say hi.
Just say--
Jesus Christ.
Oh, my God.
What the fuck was that?
I am so sorry.
Ithinkl missed the lawn.
You think?
I am really, really sorry.
Are you now?
I'm sort of sorry.
Hi, I'm Grey.
I'm-- I'm Ben.
So do you spray down everyone
with your hose?
No, I don't know
what that was.
It was, like,
out of control.
You could havejust said hi
any day this week.
What are you talking about?
Well, the other day,
you and your friends.
You, two girls,
bowl of popcorn.
Id0n't-- um... yeah.
You know,
you're cute when you blush?
Now, I'm not blushing.
That's sunburn.
Right, sunburn
from all the days
you've spent
out in your yard stalking me.
Stalking you?
No, no,
I didn't even notice you.
My lawn is dry--
Do you wanna just go out
and get dinner
one of these nights, or what?
Yeah, I would like
that actually.
Um, tonight?
Sure, tonight,
now you're forward.
You know, I had to run
past your house for weeks
just to try to get
your attention.
So tonight, 6:OO-ish?
Yeah, 6:OO-ish.
All right, tonight.
Bye, pup.
So do you have
any brothers or sisters?
Two. Two sisters.
Both married, kids, picket
fence, whole nine yards.
I do.
I have one sister
She's 18 months older,
has a little boy
and a little girl.
Very nice.
Wow. You don't want kids,
do you?
I don't know.
I might.
I like them.
I think they're fun.
Why, are you scared?
No, it's--
I don't know.
I just--
I like kids.
Ijust like to be able to give
them back when I'm done.
I guess Ijust like my life
the way it is right now.
So, are you scared yet?
Um, all time favorite food.
That's easy.
It's pizza.
Hands down,
the best cheat food.
Me, too,
except for olives.
I don't like olives either
That's freaky.
Cool. Okay, let's see.
How old do you think you were
when you knew you were gay?
Oh, wow, um.
I was young.
I used to love
action figures,
so I'd send them all
into battle,
butl never wanted the buff
male heroes to get hurt
so I'd always send
the princess in first.
And then in battle she died,
so I took a pair ofscissors
and snipped offher head.
That's a pretty harsh sentence
for an action figure,
don't you think?
Yeah, I mean my parents
were pissed,
but I gave her a burial
and buried her
in the backyard.
Well, sometimes
the bitch has to die.
So I guess I always knew,
or, I don't know,
I knew I was different.
What about you?
Me, um, I don't know,
I was like 1O or 11 maybe,
however old you are
in fifih grade,
and we were all lined up
to go see the school nurse,
and, you know, get the whole turn
your head and cough thing.
We were in our underwear,
and I got hard.
So for the next five years,
all I ever heard was,
"Grey popped a bonen"
Yeah, thanks
for laughing, thanks.
I'm sorry.
It pretty much made school
a living hell,
but, you know...
So what do you do for work?
I own a fitness boot camp
with my best friend.
Nice, you get to scream and yell
at people all day long.
No, it's definitely
not like that.
What about you?
Me?I am project manager
for a designing firm.
All right,
so I have to ask you.
It's an odd question,
but you are single, yes?
Definitely, yeah.
Yes. I mean, you have to ask
these days, right?
I hearyou.
I hearyou.
So how long
you been single for?
Four years.
Four years, Jesus.
Why so long?
I mean, okay,
you're decent looking,
and you're fairly funny,
Oh, fairly funny?
I don't want to over-inflate
your ego just yet.
I gotta sit here all night.
Fair enough.
fouryears ago
Iwas dating a guy...
and he was HIV positive,
but he didn't know it.
He caught pneumonia,
and three weeks later he died.
Three weeks.
Jesus, that is fast.
The whole thing
just tore me up.
It broke my heart.
The thought of being intimate
or having sex with someone
was just the furthest thing
from my mind.
That's rough.
I mean... yeah, rough.
The worst part of it all
was as sad as I was for him,
at the end all
I kept thinking was,
"Thank God I'm negative."
How sick is that?
Yeah, it's...
I can only imagine.
I mean, that's just--
that's intense.
Enough of this story.
It's not a first-date story.
Um, what about you?
How long have you been single
and why?
I've been single
a couple years now.
I broke up with my ex
because we basically
couldn't stand to be
in the same room together
We fought constantly,
and his idea of fun
was going out for a weekend
and not coming back
until Monday morning.
I'm kind of the type
who sits at home
and watches TVand has a been
I guess Ijust got it all out
when I was youngen
I was pretty sexually
and, I don't know.
I guess Ijust don't
really date anymore.
And why is that?
Well, whenever it came time
for the tough stuff
in a relationship,
itjust became too hard,
so I don't do it.
Ijust have sex.
Wow, well this is a date.
No, this is hanging out.
I'm gonna call this a date.
Whatever, pup.
All right, what is
this little nickname, "pup"?
I don't know,
but it suits you, I think.
I might like it.
So, it's getting late.
Maybe I should let you
get home and get to bed.
Yeah, probably.
I had a really nice time
talking with you.
You're real easy to be around.
Thanks, you, too.
I would really like
to see you again.
Yeah, I'd like that too,
Ijust need to be upfront
and tell you this.
I'm HIV positive.
Oh, my God,
I feel like such an idiot.
No. No, no, no,
don't do that to yourself.
It's my issue,
it's my skeleton,
and I'll deal with it.
Ijust want to know
if you're going to be okay with it.
I'd be lying ifl said
it didn't make me nervous,
but I still really want
to see you again.
Glad to hear it.
You know, as I get older,
its harderand harder
to find guys
thatl have that spark with,
that chemistry.
I know ifl wanna see
someone a second time,
within five seconds.
It's just rare to meet
those guys
that you have all those same
things in common with.
Wanna settle down
and be monogamous.
I have never been in a
monogamous relationship,
and I have never been asked
to be in one.
Are you opposed to it?
No, but let's face it.
We're men.
If I'm in a relationship
with a boyfriend,
and I go out and sleep
with someone else,
it doesn't mean I care
about him any less.
I don't get it.
I don't thinkl understand.
We're just getting
to know each other rig ht now,
so let's just roll with it,
Oh, you're so fucking gay.
You walked and talked?
It was nice.
We're getting to know
each other
Okay, Jack Twist,
did you at least hold hands?
No, but it was two men
on a date,
so, yeah, it was gay.
I gotta tell you, though,
I got a serious case
of blue balls.
Serves you right for having
a Brokeback Mountain moment.
Listen, Ben, you gotta have sex
like a man does, you know?
You gotta fuck like a man.
Oh, like a man.
Eat a dick.
Eat a vagina.
So when you gonna see him
Wow, two nights in a row?
That's a big commitment.
You sure you can handle that?
Hi, can I borrow that?
That guy was totally
eye fucking you.
No, he wasn't.
He was looking
at those ridiculous shorts.
And I'm sort of seeing
All rig ht, first off,
these shorts are not ridiculous.
And two--
going fora walk
does not mean
that you are seeing somebody.
Ijust can'tjuggle men,
and, frankly, I d0n'twantto.
Yeah, you're a broad.
Yeah, I'm a broad,
and I'm done with
this conversation.
What are you getting
into tonight?
I don't know.
I got work,
and then Amber
and I might have a been
Okay, so the stripper/girlfriend,
she's still around?
Hey, hey, stripper yes,
but, you know, yeah,
so far so good.
You know what you should do?
You should take your man
for a test drive tonight.
How are we back
on this conversation?
We're not all sluts,
and he's not a can
Yeah, you are.
You're gay,
and you're a dude.
Okay, I'm gonna put this
into language you can
We're not all man-whores.
Hello, handsome.
Don't you look nice.
Thank you.
So do you.
It's a nice place.
What's this?
Thought you might ask.
This is a carpet picnic.
Oh, it's a carpet picnic.
Yeah, it's like a picnic,
but it's on the carpet
A carpet picnic.
Yeah. Sit down.
So, I wasn't sure
what you liked,
so I got a little bit
of everything.
This looks great.
Thank you.
That's classy, nice touch.
Thank you.
So how was your day?
It was good.
You really went all out here,
didn't you?
I wanted to show you
what it was like
to be on a real date.
Oh, this is a date.
Yes, this is a date.
I have to tell you.
I really do have
a crush on you.
Well, so you know,
the feeling's mutual, so...
to mutual crushes.
To mutual crushes.
S0... you said you were
from Jersey, right?
Yeah, I grew up
in northwest Jersey,
and I grew upon a farm
with all these animals
running around,
so I wanted to be
a veterinarian as a kid.
Then I realized you had
to cut them open,
so then I didn't want to be
a veterinarian anymore.
Yeah, well cutting animals open
isn't so bad when you realize
you're helping them.
So, where did you grow up?
Me, I grew up in Cincinnati,
been out here
for about 12 years.
I mean, I love the city,
but eventually
I'd like to move up north
and just get out.
To where?
I don't know.
Mendocino maybe,
or Shelter Cove.
I go hiking and camping
up there a lot, s0--
I camp all the time.
Yeah, I love to camp.
I do.
What did you want to be
when you were a kid?
I wanted to race cars.
How's thatworking out?
Not so much.
So, you know what else?
When I was a kid--
How about you just shut up
and kiss me already?
Yeah, I-- well, I--
N0, n0, no, no--
There's no more talking,
not for one whole minute.
[cell phone rings]
That's your phone.
You should answer it.
I mean, it could be important.
It's not important.
Now where were we?
I don't know.
I think the moment
might have passed.
I don't think so.
Thank God.
That you're a good kissen
I mean, what ifyou
were a bad kisser,
and, you know,
there's this chemistry,
but what if that was like,
beginner's luck?
I mean, I might need
a do-overjust to be sure.
You want a mulligan?
I do.
So I did something today.
Really, what was that?
I went down to
the Department of Public Health,
and I spoke to a counselor
about HIV,
found out what things
were safer than others.
I know it's early,
I just--
well, I like you,
and I wanted to be prepared.
That's, like, the nicest thing
any0ne's done for me
in a long time.
You know, I miss outon so much
all because
I have this damn bug,
and I can't seem to get
rid of it.
I have zero viral load,
but it's still there.
It's okay.
I really do like you.
I like you, too.
I wonder if you'd be good
to cuddle with.
Well, maybe one of these days,
if you're nice,
I'll let you find out.
Yeah, but maybe I could just,
you know,
take you for a test drive,
see how I fit in the nook.
Into the what?
The nook.
Just lay on your back.
I'll show you.
Okay, so the nook
is this area here.
Well? Survey says?
It's nice.
So do you do this
on all your dates?
Oh, I knew you'd call it
a date,
and, no, I do not.
Well, this is nice.
I don't really date
that much.
Me neither
H 9Y-
I should probably go.
Do you have to work
in the morning?
It's late, though.
Ishould probably let you
get to bed.
You know, you could come
to bed with me.
Not for sex. I don't want
to have sex with you.
I mean, I do want to have sex
with you.
I don't want to have sex
with you tonight.
Does that make sense?
I'm rambling.
Yeah, you're rambling.
why don't you go ahead
and lead the way, handsome?
You're just gonna get
into bed fully dressed?
I don't know.
Yeah, I guess.
Well, how about we take off
some of these clothes
and get
a little more comfortable?
Some of these clothes.
Such as?
Let's start with the shirt.
It's your turn.
By all means.
God, you're
such a good kisser
That's because
I have a good partnen
Whoa, whoa, whoa...
Let's just hang on f0r--
I think we should behave.
Slow down a little bit.
Yeah, behave.
No, you're rig ht.
We should slow down.
No, n0...
Dude, you have to get off
because if you don't,
I'm gonna fucking rape you.
You can't rape the willing.
All right.
All rig ht,
sleep, okay.
One more kiss.
All right, I'll be good.
Get off.
Off. Off.
Oh, good morning,
Sleeping Beauty.
How are you?
Good morning, handsome.
How did you sleep?
Good. You?
I slept good, too.
Listen, I gotta head out soon.
No, no, no, that's 0kay--
No, stay in bed with me.
You got a big day planned?
No, I'm just gonna
work out.
What about you?
I gotta head into the office
in a while, but...
I just gotta tell you
that was a hell ofa night
last night.
One heck of a date.
Yeah, it was.
So when can I see you again?
I don't know.
What are you doing later?
Seeing you.
Good answen
So, how's that blue bail
situation, kid?
It's the same.
No sex.
Just fuck already.
It's been long enough.
It's been two days,
and I'm saving myself.
For what?
You're not a virgin, Ben.
Well, I am with Grey.
Do you even hear yourself?
Yeah, butl really like
this guy,
and if the sex it bad,
I'm gonna lose interest.
So you move on.
You know, first time sex
is always tricky.
Aren't you the one
who always told me,
"The more you know somebody,
the better sex is?"
Yeah, that was me lying
to myself.
First time sex
ever been tricky for you?
No, I mean,
I murderthat shit, kid.
How's that?
0k, listen.
Sex and love are separate,
Like, I could bang a broad
and not love hen
Y0u-- You get it all twisted.
You think
thatjust because you had sex,
you need to fall in love.
That's ridiculous.
No, it isn't.
I separate
what needs to be separated.
You act like you're all moral,
but you do the same shit
except you create
this huge fig ht
to break up with the dude
instead of being direct.
No, I don't.
You know,
I used to do that,
but that's just because I
hadn't found the right guy yet.
Or it's because
you're just like me,
and you're afraid to commit.
[phone rings]
Oh, it's Grey.
So answer it.
No. No.
He called you
two times already today.
Listen, I can't be
too readily available, okay?
Oh, so now we're
playing games, huh?
It's not good, Ben.
It's not good.
You guys are so sweet.
Ben and Grey making it official
on Facebook.
Yeah, we've been dating
for a few months,
so I figure, why not?
Who does that?
Isn't Facebook
for, like, 14-year-old girls
and future pedophiles?
Listen, you're straight
and married.
I don't expect you
to understand.
Yes, butl think
it's great.
I change my Facebook status
all the time
on my Blackberry.
I put up pictures today
of my new piercing, everyone.
Oh, T-M-I.
New topic, anyone?
[doorbell rings]
Guys, please behave
and do not embarrass me.
Thank you.
So Grey,
do you know Ben
has a phobia of commitment?
Brad, stop.
Grey, Ben is a great guy.
Big 0l' bottom.
You hurt him,
I'll fuckin' kill ya.
Oh, Vinnie,
if somebody hurts me,
will you kill them?
Zip it.
So there's not really
much of a warm up
with this crew, is there?
this is exactly
why they've never met anyone
I've dated before.
Thank you
for embarrassing me, guys.
Thank you. Glad we got that
out of the way.
Wait, you guys have never met
anyone that Ben's dated, ever?
You are officially
the first.
It's the darnedest thing,
For some reason
he never keeps them
around long enough
for us to actually meet--
Okay, I'm officially
worried now.
Don't be.
We're an easy group.
So Grey,
you got a straight brother?
No, two sisters actually,
both married.
That's a shame,
because you're hot.
Grey, if Ben brings you around,
you are officially
part of the family.
And with that, ladies,
let's go and make these boys
some drinks.
Like a good woman should.
[slaps] Aah.
You keep it up
and no sex foryou.
I'll be right back.
Don't go anywhere.
You're mine.
I miss you already.
See what I'm talking about?
She's got me
in the fucking Cobra Clutch.
Vinnie, don't ever leave me.
Ifl can't have you,
nobody can.
Because I'm a cuckoo psycho.
Keep laughing.
You're boy is a funny guy.
Wait till it happens to you.
That's exactly
what the fuck she's like.
I'm back.
I couldn't be
away from you.
Why do you gotta
always hang on me?
So Grey,
you're a designer?
Yeah, mainly I remodel
high end hotels and stuff.
Mm, do you think you can get us
a discount on a hotel room?
Uh, no, sorry.
So Grey,
I hear you don't believe
in monogamy.
Okay, Brad, thank you.
Thank you for that, Brad.
I have never shown you
the back yard.
code word for "backdoor"?
Okay, let's go.
So Grey was nice.
He's seems sweet,
and you guys seem like you
really like each other
Oh, my gosh,
those sheep are so cute.
Look at 'em.
[sheep bleats]
Yeah, I guess, for sheep.
Why are sheep
always the target
for farmers to have sex with?
I don't know.
I've never had sex
with a sheep.
Well, that's good for you,
but where is their hole even?
Are you are kidding me?
It's under their tail.
Do you think it's
because they don't kick
like a horse does?
Sara, I don't know.
I've never had sex
with any farm animal.
I mean, I guess
ifl had to figure it out,
I don't know, maybe it's
because they don't bite?
Oh, good point.
I do like Grey for you,
All right,
out of left field.
And I like Grey for me, too.
Hey, you know
he's gonna come over,
and we're gonna have
a take-out date tomorrow night.
Do you wanna come over, too?
And be the third wheel?
No, thanks.
A.D.D. Interiors.
Who's this?
Hi, Ben.
How are you doing?
Hold on one sec.
Grey, it's your boyfriend.
Knock it off.
He's not my boyfriend.
Shut up.
Yeah, you need me to stop by
the store and pick up anything?
All right.
I'll see you around 7:00.
All right, bye.
You got a date, huh?
Look at you blush.
You really like him.
Shut up.
Don't you got something
you gotta file or something?
Well find something.
No, I don't.
Yeah, you do.
You're awful quiet.
You don't like the food?
The food's fine.
It's just--
I had a foreman
fuck up on a job today,
and it's just given me
a headache.
That sucks.
I'll tell you what.
If you clear the table,
I'll give you a back rub.
A good one.
You said something
about a back rub?
Yeah, well that was faster
than expected.
Lean back.
Oh, God, that's good.
So what exactly do I get
ifl mop the floor?
Well, I am sure
we can negotiate on something.
[Grey chuckles]
You are really tense.
Did you have more than
one problem at work today?
Earth to Grey.
You got something
on your mind?
No, no.
Actually yeah, I do.
Have a seat.
All rig ht, well,
this doesn't sound too good.
All right...
so afterl got off the phone
with you today,
I-- I hooked up with a guy.
You what?
Look, I didn't go out looking
for it.
Itjust happened.
Oh, itjust happened.
It'sjusta guy thatl hook up
with from time to time.
So this is a regular thing?
Ben, when we got together,
I told you that
I didn't believe in monogamy.
That's why I was so worried
about dating you.
Look, I think it's sweet that
you can stay so green
and keep
your Midwestern values
in a city like this, but--
I'm green because
I don't hook up with randoms.
All rig ht, okay, now,
don't get so upset.
I knew
I shouldn't have told you.
you should have told me,
but then you're gonna sit there
and tell me this is all
because I'm green
because I don't hook up
like a slut.
But you are green, okay?
That's whatl like about you,
but face it, you are green.
I mean, have you ever been
to a sex club?
Ever had a three way?
No, but that doesn't make me
because I'm not hooking up
with randoms.
But it does.
I'm sorry if that offends you,
but let's face it.
I'm a man,
and I'm not dead yet.
You're a man,
and you're not dead?
Well how fucking Zen
of you, Grey.
Come on, grow up.
You see, that's whyl didn't
want to tell you any of this.
I didn't want this
to upset you.
Don't take it so personal.
Don't take this personal?
You don't think this all starts
with us being personal?
Come on, okay?
Wrong choice of words.
Just don't take it that way.
Why don't you tell me
how you did mean it?
How about we spend
the next few months
just filling up your days
and then you can run off and
sleep with whomever you want?
First of all,
did you ever stop to think
that this wasn't
all about you? Huh?
You're delusional.
Second of all,
maybe I'm falling for you,
Do you have any idea
how hard that is for me?
Well I might be falling
for you, too,
but if this is so hard on you,
why would you sleep
with someone else?
Have you ever thought
that I was terrified
that I would get you positive?
Do you have any idea
what that's like?
I live with that fear
every day.
That's really unfain
Now, I don't know
what that's like,
and I'm sorry to be
but you cheated.
Grow up.
I slept with someone.
Look, you and I spend
every day togethen
We go to the movies.
We go hiking.
No guy I've hook up
with has slept in my bed.
You do.
No guyl sleep with
has met my friends,
but you have.
You've got to factor that in,
I told you from day one
that I was not monogamous.
I don't say these things
to hurt you,
but you're the one who said
you'd always wanna know.
I just didn't think
it would feel like
I got punched in the throat.
I am sorry, okay?
Am I doing something wrong?
You can tell me.
Ijust don't know
why it wasn't me.
I knew going into this
that I was scared to date you.
I was afraid that if something
like this happened,
you would wanna end it.
Yeah, I wish I could.
I can't, I'm all in.
That's the problem.
you've got to know
you're the only thing
that's makes me happy, okay?
Yoursmile melts my heart.
This whole thing, it's just really
new for me, you know?
I know.
Just shut up and kiss me now,
and let's just remember
what we have, okay?
M' [rock]
HeYl You awake?
I love you.
Wow, so he told you
he loved you?
Oh, he's so staying faithful,
Yeah, but he told me
whilel was sleeping,
so it doesn't really count.
Oh, no, thatjust means
he meant it more.
He's not trying to get
in your pants.
He already got the goods,
and he said it
while you were sleeping.
So you think
he will stay faithful?
Oh, babe,
so staying faithful.
Brad, you're
the voice of reason.
Do you think
he's going to stay faithful?
Depends how good
the sex was.
It is not about the sex.
Ben, he will.
Oh, baby.
He's a man.
It's always about the sex.
Always about the sex.
You guys,
we're making sandwiches.
That's gross.
And if it is "about the sex,"
then you can give me
a V, dot the I,
cross the T, 0, R, Y
What the fuck was that?
Okay, that's a cheer,
and it spells victory, duh.
No, it doesn't,
not at all.
Yes, it does.
Give me a V, dot the I,
cross the T, 0, R, Y
Yeah, that spells "vitory."
What the hell's a vitory?
fuck the both of y'all.
It was great sex, okay?
Oh, really?
Are you in love with him?
Oh, my God, listen.
Am I gonna be
the only voice of reason here?
Ben, this guy's
a waste of your time.
No, okay, 0ne--
I thinkl might be failing
in love with him,
and two--
I can't help how I feel,
so can we
just have a beer with lunch
and celebrate my "vitory" sex?
Can we also celebrate
you being delusional?
Brad, just stop.
Just stop.
And I can't.
Yes, you can.
Your husband thinks
I'm a delusional train wreck,
so you can have one beer
with lunch.
Shut up.
Are you serious?
Oh, my God,
Thank you.
I can't believe that.
Right there.
I cannot believe you guys let me
ramble on and on
about my stupid vitory sex.
When did you find out?
Last night.
Oh, my God,
so I know this is
your moment and everything,
but I cannot believe
I'm gonna be an uncle.
I can't believe it.
Oh, my God,
what are you gonna name it?
I don't know.
What if it's a boy?
Icould name it Benny.
Benny! Baby Benny.
Baby Benny.
Oh, Baby Benny,
that's so cute.
No, it's-- double no.
No, we'll talk about that--
You'll be lucky if you even
get to baby-sit,
Oh, I'm gonna baby-sit
your baby.
No, we're gonna pay
for the little girl across the street.
Just trust me.
Yeah, your baby's gonna be a diva.
I can't believe
I'm gonna be an uncle.
I know,
that's pretty awesome.
Callie and Brad
have been trying for a while.
God, I love
the way you feel.
I can't imagine
not being around you.
Me eithen
Yeah, just let me
finish, okay?
You are one of the most
thoughtful, fun guys
I've ever been around...
not to mention you
are sexy as hell.
Thank you.
Ican honestly look
to the future,
and I can see us
with our own place,
one or two dogs
around the backyard.
Maybe three.
Two. Okay?
And having said all this...
I love you.
And I cannot fathom having
to break your heart again.
So don't.
You didn't break my heart.
Yes, I did,
and it's not that easy.
I slept
with another guy again.
Tell me
Idid notjust hear that.
You love me, and you're sleeping
with random men?
It's not that easy
to explain.
I'm sorry.
I don't want you
to be sorry.
I want you
tojust want to be with me.
How fucking pathetic
and desperate do I sound?
Just like that,
you expect me to change?
I told you from the beginning,
this is who I was. Okay?
I can't change who I am,
and neither can you.
Ijust don't understand.
Look, what happens
ifl have an indiscretion
and you break it off? Huh?
You'd be willing to throw
all this away
over something so stupid
and meaningless?
If it is so meaningless
then why are you doing it?
It's just who I am,
but I'm trying, okay?
You're not trying, Grey.
This is not rocket science.
It's sex.
It d0esn'tjust happen.
That's something you hear
in a movie.
Okay, it's not
"I'm walking down the street,
and my pants fell off
and my dick fell in his mouth."
All right, quit being
an asshole, okay?
Yeah, I'm the one
that's being the asshole.
All rig ht, look.
I knew there was no way
I was ever going to be able
to tell you all this...
so I wrote it down
for you in a letten
You love me.
You're sorry you're sleeping
with other men,
and you're writing it
in a letten
You're breaking my heart here.
I hope you know that.
Just calm down,
read the letter,
and call me later, okay?
Why? You obviously won't have
a problem moving on.
Hey, don't get like this,
Don't touch me.
Don't be this way.
Don't shut down.
Yeah, just go.
Just go.
All right.
Oh, wait.
Why did you sleep
with those other guys?
Jesus, Benny,
we're here again?
Wejust had this conversation
two seconds ago.
Look, I know you're angry,
but there is nothing I can say
that's gonna change your mind
or fix your broken heart.
I am trying to be okay
with this.
You are, you're trying,
but you're not.
You're just like me.
We're two grown men,
and we're both set in our ways.
I am so sorry.
I'm not doing this
to be selfish, okay?
Ijust want you to know
that I can't do this
knowing that I'm going
to break your heart again.
You can't even talk
about it now
when it's the easy stuff.
What's gonna happen
later on down the road
when it's the tough stuff?
I don't want you to go.
I just don't want you
to sleep with other people.
Oh, is that all?
Look, I need someone
who's going to be truly okay
with this, and it's not you.
I want you to understand
I'm not doing this
to hurt you.
Ben, Ben, God...
Ben, Ben.
[both weeping]
I don't want you to feel
this way.
I am so sorry.
You're sorry.
Y0u-- You are sorry.
You should go.
You're right.
You're not going to change,
and you know what?
Neither am I.
Ben, please.
Ben, come on.
You know what?
You're pathetic.
You're pathetic.
You can't do this?
I can't do this.
This is done.
Okay, did you hear me?
It's done.
Don't call me.
Don't write me.
Just go.
Please, just go.
Ben, please--
Just go.
Get out of my house.
There he is.
He's right there.
Oh, he looks cute.
Ben, over here.
Ben, this is Gage.
Gage, Ben.
You know this is
a total set up, right?
No, no it's not.
It's okay.
You didn't tell me
your friend was this handsome.
I know, right?
That's why he's
my gay boyfriend.
So, Gage, does Callie
do this to you often,
the whole set up thing?
Every chance she gets.
Glad to know
I'm not the only one.
0h, my,
I thinkl have to go.
I have an appointment.
No, you don't.
I do.
I gotta go.
You don't.
I d0--
Oh. No.
What's wrong with you?
Don't turn around.
Why not?
Are you guys OKBY?
Grey is right behind you.
Who's Grey?
Are you okay?
I'm fine.
Let's just order
No, I think we should justgo.
Look, I'm fine.
Let's just order, okay?
We'll go somewhere else.
It's fine. It's fine--
Hi guys, um...
sorry, I didn't wanna make
this awkward,
so I decided to come over here
and make it more awkward.
Hi, Callie.
Yeah, hi.
Have you met Gage?
This is Ben's new boyfriend?
Yeah, they're in love,
so you can leave.
Not my new boyfriend.
Do you mind if we talk alone
for a minute?
Ben, you don't have to give him
the time of day.
Callie, just give me a minute.
I'm sorry.
Just for the record,
I think you suck.
Ben is a hell ofa guy.
Ben, we'll be right out front.
Mind ifl have a seat?
So how have you been?
Fine. And you?
Actually, completely miserable.
What do you want, Grey?
I called you,
like, a dozen times
and you didn't return
Okay, I know.
I should have called, but--
Yeah, but you didn't call.
You know I'm seeing
a therapist now?
They agree with my friends.
You're not that good for me.
Yeah, I know I'm not the easiest
person to get along with here,
butl really thought we had
something special--
Yeah, I thought so, too,
butl was wrong.
I still don't want to share you
with anybody.
I don't think
anything's changed,
so what's the point?
The point is I miss you, okay?
That ship's sailed.
You know whatl don't get?
I called you fora month.
You didn't return
one of my calls.
Now I stop calling,
and all of the sudden
you're interested.
You're playing
these head games,
and, frankly, I deserve
better than that.
All right, you do.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I told you from the beginning
that I am not good
with relati0nships--
You can stop
with your disclaimers, okay?
I listened to you,
and now you can listen to me.
This, there is nothing here.
It's done.
You sure?
butl know I can't give you
the opportunity
to break my heart again.
I have to go.
Well, I told him we could set
some ground rules.
And how did that make
you feel?
Scared, excited,
I don't know.
You know he gave me
a letter?
Broke my heart,
but, boy, could he kiss.
Yes, I believe
you mentioned that.
He's not as bad
as my friends say.
I guess I always believed
that I would end up
with somebody
who really honored monogamy.
And now?
How do you feel?
For me, in relationships,
honesty is more important
than monogamy.
That doesn't
answer the question, though.
I guess I don't really have
an answer to that question.
You could help me out, though.
Oh, how is that?
Well, you could lay
on top of me and kiss me.
I love you.
Me, too.
It's what happens
when you stop judging people
and accept them
for who they are.
M' [P0P]