Sick Of It All (2017) Movie Script

Shit, shit, shit,
shit, shit.
In other news,
the case of the missing boy.
The child goes by
the name of l.P.
And he has long,
girl-like hair
and the face of a prince.
He has been missing
for three days,
so, folks,
keep your eyes peeled.
And now for some jazz.
Oh, fuck!
--What the fuck are you doing?
-What? What?
-Oh, Jesus. Again?
What the hell
is wrong with you?
-You were pissing in
my goddamn sink.
It's my goddamn sink, too.
It's our goddamn house.
Don't pick a fight with me
just to change the subject.
You just pissed
in our goddamn sink
after I've asked you not to.
Should I just start
leaving my bloody tampons
on your pillow?
-Jesus, relax.
-Don't tell me to relax.
Don't ever tell a woman
to relax.
I have a voice.
I deserve to be heard.
Baby, baby, it's too early
for all of this, all right?
You beat me to the shower
so I pissed in the sink.
I'm sorry.
I promise it won't
happen again.
It was stupid.
It was dumb.
It was really dumb.
Why don't you get dressed
and I'll finish
making breakfast.
If you think I'm eating
your urine-splattered eggs,
then you are dumb.
"Dumb. Really dumb."
Yeah, she won't eat
my urine-splattered eggs,
but she'll put
my dick in her mouth.
-I'm sorry. What?
-What? Rose?
Oh, we'll see
if I put your dick
in my mouth now.
Oh, yeah, great, honey.
Use sex like blackmail,
that's great.
To blackmail you?
What is this,
a murder mystery?
You're a child.
Grow up.
You're a disgusting pig.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I'm the child, right?
Because I play with toys.
"You need to grow up,
you fat pig."
That's what they used to say
when I was in third grade,
-and I'm the adult?
-I didn't say anything
about the toys.
And I didn't call you fat.
I called you disgusting.
Oh, yeah,
that's a little bit
more grown-up.
You did call me dumb
three times.
Just let it go.
I'm going to be late.
Just don't talk to me
for five minutes.
You're not even...
You're not even going to
try your toast, even?
No, I'm not.
Hey, I said I was sorry,
and I meant it.
It's fine.
I'm fine.
I'm a little bit
grossed out
and I got upset,
but it's no big deal.
Remember to pay the gas
and electric bills.
-I will.
-Checks are in the
envelopes by the door.
-No problem.
-And the dry cleaning.
-I will grab it.
-My new dress is in there.
-Ooh, the white one.
-Green one.
Right, the green one.
I like the green one.
The green one's sexy.
It's nothing fancy.
It's just a green dress,
but I want to
wear it tonight.
What's tonight?
What do you mean,
what's tonight?
-Dinner with cam.
-Cam? Cam.
Camilian daily?
You forgot?
Anthony, you forgot?
Jesus, you said
you were going to cook.
It was your idea.
It's my idea?
I don't think so.
You invited him at
unqiue's housewarming party.
Why would I do that?
I don't even like the guy.
You are so closed-minded.
He's really helped me.
I know, I mean,
and that's great.
That's good for you.
I like that. That's good.
Then why don't you
like him then?
I don't know, he's just--
he's a little--
wait, what the hell?
What kind of name
is "unique"?
Is that an actual
person name?
Is there somebody
named that?
What? I don't--
housewarming party?
Do you pay attention
to anything?
I have never met
a single person
in my whole life
named unique.
I would remember that.
That's a unique name.
-Last Saturday night.
-Last Saturday?
Where the hell
do you think you were?
Last Saturday?
Oh, Jesus.
I can't do this right now.
Wait, that was her name?
Unique was her name?
It was a housewarm--
shit, I was drunk.
Just pay the bills
and go to the cleaners
and try to get
some work done.
Try not to spend
the whole day
-looking at your toy books.
-They're not toy books.
They're pricing books
for collector toys, all right?
Look, you knew that
when we started dating
that I was a toy collector,
that this was my passion.
Oh, god.
It's more like an addiction.
What, because
collecting these antiques
is going to solve
world hunger?
Yeah, and toy collecting
is curing cancer.
Oh, touch.
So look at that,
all of the sudden
we have something in common.
Well, if you think
we're so different,
then we don't
have to do this.
We don't have to do what?
Nothing. Forget it.
No, what did
you mean by that?
Just shut up!
I'm just saying,
get some work done.
there's nicer ways
of saying that.
It's fine.
Okay, it's fine.
It's fine.
I got to go.
Please, the bills
and the cleaners
and dinner,
and I'm picking cam up--
I know. You told me.
I know.
You told me three time--
wait a second.
You're picking cam up?
Yeah, that's right.
He doesn't own a car.
Guy doesn't own a car?
What? Does he
not believe in the evils
of the automobile?
I'll have you know,
the automobile had been
around a long time,
longer than even
the toaster was invented.
What are you even
talking about?
You don't have a car.
I don't own a car
not because I don't like cars.
I like cars.
I can't afford a car.
But as soon
as I get enough money,
I'm going to get a car.
You invited him.
It made me happy.
I thought for a moment
you were actually starting
to open up about it.
Now I'm wondering
why you even did so
in the first place.
-Because I was drunk.
-God. Okay, I got to go.
We'll be here around 8:00.
Please have dinner ready.
-What am I cooking?
-Oh, you don't remember?
No. What am I cooking?
You're making
a roasted pumpkin feta
over quinoa salad
with white gazpacho soup.
You said three things
and I don't know
what they are.
Yeah, well,
you said you'd made it
a thousand times,
which was news to me.
Why would I say that?
Unique said she ate it,
and you jumped in with,
"i can make that."
-I did?
-Oh, god.
I don't know.
Just figure it out.
I got to go.
You're a good cook
when you're
not pissing on it.
Jesus Christ,
cut me some slack.
I didn't piss
on breakfast, okay?
You don't have to be
all cunty and naggy about it.
-I'm late.
Hey, I'm sorry.
I love--
slammed the door
in my fucking face
telling you
i fucking love you.
That's bullshit.
It's fucking bullshit.
I will fucking shit
in your fucking dinner
you fucking cunt.
I will fucking do it.
I will fucking do it.
I will fucking do it.
I will shit in it.
You and that fucking fag,
that cam fucking daily.
Are you fucking kidding me?
Are you fucking
kidding me?
I am so sick of the way
that you bark at me
like I'm some sort
of fucking dog.
And what do I do?
I fucking act like
a goddamn dog.
You smack me
on my fucking nose
and I go running.
And you fucking
call me back
and I go fucking
running back
and you smack me
on my fucking nose again.
Fucking dog.
You fucking dog.
That is no way
to be treated.
That's bullshit.
That's fucking bullshit.
That is bullshit.
That's bullshit.
I do not deserve to be
fucking treated that way.
Yeah, that's not the way
that you treat people.
That is not
the way you do it.
That is not the way
you treat people.
That's not the way
you fucking do it.
I would never do that.
I would never do that.
Why the fuck would I put up
with shit from you,
you fucking cunt?
God, I love you.
Fuck you.
You want a fucking dog?
I will give you a fucking dog.
I'll give you a hellhound.
I will fucking tear you apart
and shit in your dinner.
This is rose.
I'm away from the garden.
Please leave me a message.
Hi, sweetie. Hi.
Hi, it's me again.
I just wanted to say
I'm sorry again.
I was a jackass,
and I'm excited for dinner.
--And I miss you.
Oh, yeah.
I have all this shit.
I can't--
I can't believe it.
I don't have to
go to the store.
Nice. All I got to do
is cook it up now,
heat it later,
serve it up
like a "champeen."
Hi, Mrs. basil.
Hi, my name is Anthony prince.
I lost you there
for a second.
Yeah, I'm calling from
the superior breath
burial insurance company.
That's right.
That's right.
We're having a discount
in November--
30% off within
seven days of the funeral.
Not only that,
but you obviously would
get that included
with the policy
of your choice.
My name is Anthony prince.
I'm calling on behalf of...
Hi, my name
is Anthony prince...
That's right,
it's insurance...
Superior breath
burial insurance...
Every member of
the family is covered,
and that includes your pet.
Hello, my name is
anthon-- no.
This product is ideal
for people who bleed true
for their team,
country, or religion.
Your team will feel
your support
years after your death.
It doesn't mean
you don't deserve
superior insurance.
If your depression worsens,
and let's say,
god forbid,
the worst happens
and you do what
you say you might do,
you want to leave
your family secure.
Imagine your family
sitting at your funeral,
weeping for your loss. case you die.
You know what?
I'm not wasting my time.
This is a job.
This is a real job.
My name is--
no? All right. child.
It can't be
a 14-year-old type adult.
The last one I sold
to a 45-year-old man
who acted like a 6-year-old.
It's awful.
I hate my job.
Please, call me
and give me a fucking--
I hate my job.
Good morning. Greetings
and salutations, Mr. blue.
-Is it Mr. blue?
-That's me.
It is. Okay, great.
Mr. blue, hello.
My name is Anthony prince.
I'm calling on behalf
of the superior breath
burial insurance company.
For the month of November,
we have a 30% discount
on all of our policies.
That's right,
up to and including
every policy
you purchase today.
Within about a week
of each funeral,
you will be reimbursed
up to 30%
if you purchase this month.
Now, do you have a moment?
I can run by some of
our policies with you.
Yeah, okay.
-You do?
-I do.
All right.
All right, Mr. blue.
-All right.
-You can call me Dale.
Dale. Dale it is.
Yes, sir, Dale.
Okay, let's start with
our top policy.
Let's just start
right off there--
the superior preferred
whole life plan.
That sounds like you,
doesn't it, Dale?
Come on! T-bone!
-Shit. Hold on,
Mr. blue.
It doesn't take
X-ray vision
to see you're in there, man.
Shit, shit.
Stevie wonder could see
you're in there.
Hey. How you doing?
What are you
doing here, snake?
What's with the cold
renovations, brother?
It looks like a fucking
haunted house in here.
-Hey, man.
-No, no, no.
You smell like a brewery.
You smell like a brewery.
It's not even
10:00 A.M., man.
-Hey, hey, hey.
-What? What?
Is old mama Hitler here?
No. No, she's not,
and don't call her that.
Don't call her that.
-Goddamn it.
-Look, I can
smell the clit.
-Goddamn it, man.
-I can smell the clit.
I'm fucking working here.
I'm working here.
You fucking animal.
I'm working.
Yeah, I'm working here!
-Mr. blue.
-Oh, clown bozo.
--Oh, man.
Fuck, man.
Where are the fucking
bozo the clown shooters
i got you in '82?
These are superb
collectibles, man.
They should be
on fucking display here
on the wall
of fucking fame.
What are you
talking about?
What do you got here?
What are you doing?
Give me that.
Give me the bottle.
Give it here.
Give me the bottle.
Get the fuck off.
What are you doing?
Give me the bottle.
No, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
What are you trying to do?
Kill yourself?
Aw, shit.
Aw, shit.
Look what you made me do.
I made you do it?
I just fucking got here.
I didn't do shit.
What is wrong with you, man?
I have to go to the store now,
you asshole.
I'm sick.
I'm sick here, man.
I know.
You need some help.
No, you don't--
you don't know.
Anthony, I'm serious.
I'm sick, man.
What are you talking about?
I don't know how
to tell you this, man.
I'm sick, man.
-I got the aids.
I got aids.
Are you serious?
I'm dying.
I thought
it was crohn's disease,
but it's aids.
Aw, shit.
What am I going to do, man?
Fuck, man.
I'm so sorry, buddy.
I'm so sorry, man.
It's going to be all right.
That's fine.
It's going to be okay.
There's a lot of people that
live a long time with aids.
Look at magic Johnson.
That guy's had aids
for 30 fucking years, man.
He's done great for himself.
It's going to be all right.
Shit. What can I do?
Shit, man.
Can I have
soldier boy back?
I thought it would be nice
to be buried with him.
Aw, you asshole.
No, no.
You got me.
Fuck you, you asshole.
You're a real asshole,
you know that?
You're a real asshole.
No. God, no.
No. Get out.
Come on, time's up.
you fucked me. Let's go.
You fucking owe me, man.
I don't owe you shit.
You owe me for
the fucking hasbro score.
Get over the hasbro
score already.
It was eight
fucking years ago.
Hey, man, if I'd had
the fucking skorponok
in my collectibles
of first gen Decepticons,
-it would have
made a mint.
-You moron.
-You fucked me on that.
-You moron.
That wasn't even in the box.
If anything,
i saved your ass,
because you were about
to lay 250 clams down
on that skorponok.
I saw it on ebay last week
for $14.99, you perp.
-Now, go.
-Just give me
soldier boy back.
No. Deal's a deal.
Let's go.
I thought it would be nice
to be buried with him.
Can't have it.
Let's go.
-But it was my pappy's.
-No. Oh, your pappy?
Did he die of
the aids, too?
You don't get to talk
about my pappy that way.
I'm coming for
soldier boy at 3:00.
-Out. Out.
I'm coming for soldier boy
at 3:00.
-Sober up.
-3:00. 3:00.
-Sober up.
Fucking animal.
This is a stetson.
-Yeah, it's a great...
You have three messages.
Message one.
Go, go, go.
Message two.
Shh. Shh. Be quiet.
Message three.
Now listen up.
You know that I know
that you know that much.
You're not dealing
with a chimp here,
but dummy up, fuck face.
I want soldier boy back!
This is rose.
I'm away from the garden.
Please leave me a message.
Hi. Rose, hi.
It's Anthony.
Well, you know who it is.
It's me.
I just wanted to tell you
I'm sorry again.
I was just a jackass.
And, um, I took care
of everything for you.
Went to the grocery store
and we got the dry cleaning.
And I've already started
cooking dinner
and I'm very excited.
Call me, and the pumpkin
is in the oven.
- So, you know, that's--
-hi, Mr. Harris?
-That's me.
Hi. Hello.
My name is Anthony prince.
I'm calling on behalf
of the superior breath
burial insurance company.
-For the month November--
-what the fuck is this?
Are you saying
I'm going to die?
-You cocksucker!
Would you like it
if I called you
and told you that you
were going to die?
-Why don't you shit
in your mouth
- and choke on it?
Apr temp agency.
Hi, Lulu. Hi.
Hi. It's Anthony.
It's Anthony prince.
How are you, Anthony?
-Hey, do you have a minute?
-I sure do.
I can't do this insurance
burial thing anyone.
It's just killing me.
It's sucking
the life out of me.
You're-- no. Lulu,
i will literally do any--
-go the fuck home, snake.
-What was that?
No, it's not snake!
No, not you, Lulu.
I was talk--
no, I mean, it's me,
and l.P.'S with me!
- Fuck.
- -Hello?
-Lulu-- shit. Fuck.
-Excuse me?
- Not you. I apologize.
-I got to call you back. Bye.
-I might have a job for you--
have they been here?
-What? No.
-Nobody's come
asking about us?
No. What are you doing here?
What happened?
Why are you out of breath?
I've been running with l.P.
And he's heavy.
-Yeah, right.
-Good day to you,
uncle Anthony.
And to you as well, l.P.
I ate something bad
out of the L.A. river.
What are you doing eating out
of the L.A. river for?
-What happened?
-My god, don't you
watch the news?
-What's the story, l.P.
Shit. The pumpkin.
Damn it.
New dish?
Making a special meal
for aunt rose and her friend.
-Yeah, a doctor.
I see. Now what?
I think I have enough
ingredients for another try.
That sure is a mean cup
of java, uncle a.
You really are
a brew master.
That hit the spot.
I haven't had
a decent cup in days.
What's the deal, l.P.?
Why is you dad eating out
of the L.A. river?
This is really good.
You have a pen and paper?
Pen and paper?
Uh, yeah.
Do you mind?
No. Chew 'em
if you got 'em.
All right,
what's the story?
Will you draw me
a sheep?
I don't know
how to draw a sheep.
Just draw me a sheep.
I saw it in a book once.
Draw me a sheep.
No, not until you tell me
what's going on.
Your dad said you guys
were in trouble.
Look, uncle a. Needs you
to focus for a moment.
-Tell me what's the matter.
-Just draw me a sheep.
Now's not the--
now is not the time
for drawing, l.P.
I think the explanation
of this very important matter
would be best coming from
the mouth of an adult.
All right, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to
condescend to you.
Whoo, brother!
it feels so good to shit
in a real toilet.
I swear, my life's
a living hell on earth
these past few days.
-Jesus Christ.
-Skip the foreplay.
Get right into it.
-Like an episode
of fucking "cops."
I'm frickin'
on the lam, bro.
I'm on the run
like Bruce Springsteen
right now.
-That's "born to run."
-Well, who's chasing you?
-Local law enforcement,
homeland security.
-The fuck did you do?
Kill the president?
You think I'd do something
stupid like that?
Kill the president?
I love this country.
And what the fuck?
When did you think
i became a racist?
I didn't. What the fuck
are you talking about?
I wouldn't kill
a black person, would I?
For no fucking reason?
Are you kidding?
I didn't say you would.
You said you were going to
kill the president.
I didn't call you a racist.
What the fuck
are you talking about?
-All right, I'm sorry.
Now, please,
would somebody just tell me
what's going on?
Yeah, well, to do that,
I'd have to start
at the beginning
with me and foxy
when we separated--
-a while ago.
-Yeah, like, a while now.
-Eight fucking
months a while.
This is f-- fricked!
I'm so fricked right now!
All right, focus.
Start from the beginning.
In the beginning,
between me and foxy,
it was good--
so good we ended up
with a beautiful baby
love child good.
-Thanks, pops.
-Yeah, you got it.
After those first
three years go by, though?
Shit gets bad fast.
A woman can turn into a bitch.
I still don't know
what's going on at all.
We fight all the time.
I can't take her anymore.
All right, I still
don't know what's going on.
Things have been complicated
for a while now,
and it's gotten
very complicated.
I'm in big trouble.
Long story short,
I'm in fucking trouble.
What the frick is going on?
We will have more on
what scientists are calling
the tiniest
newly-discovered planet
later in the hour.
Now, in the case
of the missing boy,
the police say they have
a new lead suspect
and they are following up
on the leads
leading to the lead suspect
in the case.
We got a new
lead suspect in the case
of the missing boy.
You can rest assured
we're going to
follow that lead
until it leads us
to its logical end.
It's what leaders do.
We follow leads.
I wouldn't expect you
to understand that.
Don't even--
don't even try.
Don't even try
to comprehend it.
The child's name is l.P.
He was kidnapped
three days ago
from the playground
at Sahara park
at 10:31 A.M.
Friday morning
by a man wearing all black
with a black ski mask.
This just in.
The leading suspect is
in fact the boy's father
Barbra prince.
So far this Barbra man
is nowhere to be found.
A not-so-bright neighbor
to Mr. babs prince said,
and I quote,
"i think he told me to say
he was away on a business trip
to France or something
with his son or something,
i think."
The neighbor is to remain
nameless at this point,
but is being held
for questioning.
The alleged suspect,
who sometimes goes by "babs",
has had a recent history
of violence.
He may be dangerous.
Please stay alert.
You kidnapped your son.
No, that's impossible.
I'm his father, dumbass.
Well, apparently it is,
because you did.
Because of that?
What do they know?
They think you're dangerous,
for one.
I might have beat up a ref
at a basketball game
-a couple weeks back.
-Why did you do this?
You know how foxy gets.
She's strong.
And I don't think.
I react.
-What did she do?
-She makes fun of me.
She made fun of you?
That's it?
No. That's not it.
She called me
a dumb fucking cracker.
It was your mother
who said it.
Now let the men talk here
for a second.
I've been dealing
with her shit, her threats.
She's using l.P. As a weapon
to make me jealous!
Okay. So, just,
what's the plan?
-Jesus Christ.
-Yeah, I know this is bad.
Yeah, it's bad, man.
It's bad.
This is your bad.
You did this.
God! Pointing the finger
at me again?
You're always blaming me,
pointing the finger at me!
I'm not blaming you,
you dumb fuck.
Yeah. That's exactly
what foxy calls me.
I was being ironic,
you dumb fuck.
You want to call me
dumb fuck again?
Huh? Go ahead.
Call me dumb fuck.
Can I suggest
that we all sit down
over a nice lunch
and sort this out
on a full belly?
-It's not a bad idea.
-I'm starving.
You can't stay here, man.
-Why not?
-Why not?
Because I won't be
an accomplice to your crime.
They've already detained
your neighbor for doing so.
Besides, Rosie would
never stand for this,
and we have company
coming over for dinner,
which I've already burnt twice
and need to start making.
-So, no.
-Yeah, yeah. Bullshit.
You burned dinner twice?
You're in luck.
I'm the best
prep cook you know.
And I'm your brother.
Come on, man.
You kidnapped your son!
It's probably snake.
This is office feltcher
and office recum
from the Los Angeles
police department.
We're here to ask you
a couple questions.
Shh. Be very quiet.
In the back. In the back.
Very quiet.
Good morning.
Oh, is it afternoon?
God, I must have really
crashed out, officers...
Officer feltcher.
Those are interesting names.
It's interesting that I took
my wife's maiden name?
I think it's beautiful.
-Are you Anthony prince?
-Brother to Barbra prince?
Yes, sir.
Barbra's my brother.
What kind of name
is "Barbra" for a man?
It's a family name, sir.
It's our grandmother's name.
I've had it up to here
with this guy.
I am so sick
of his business.
Have you seen your brother
or had contact with him
in the last 72 hours?
No. Why?
What's going on?
Is he okay?
Is he dead?
Do you not know
what's going on with
your family?
Do you now pay attention
to the news, son?
The news?
I've been asleep.
-It's a big story.
-You don't TiVo?
You record programs
and then you watch them--
I know what TiVo is, I do.
But just say "dvr."
He knew what
i was talking about.
-TiVo is the brand.
Dvr is the larger--
-doesn't matter.
The Internet is another place
to get good information.
Lot of good options there.
Yeah. I don't have
a computer.
Now you're trying
to be smart with us.
-Oh, ho, ho!
-No, I'm being serious.
I don't have a computer.
You need to walk
your little ass
down to a radio shack
and pick one up,
because you're
going to need it.
Yeah, because Barbra's
the lead suspect
in the kidnapping
of your nephew.
But that's his own son.
You can't kidnap
your own child.
Are you guys kidding?
Does it look like
we're kidding?
No. And he did.
Listen, if you have any more
information about him,
you better give it up
right now.
Uh, Barbra.
No, I don't think so.
You don't think so?
I don't have
any information.
-Any phone calls?
-No phone calls.
What's going on
over there?
Looks like
you just had a few guests
over for late brunch.
-Late brunch?
Why wouldn't you say lunch?
It's 11:45.
You have a late brunch.
That's drifting
dangerously into lunch.
It's not, though.
It's not noon.
Noon and beyond is lunch.
Nope, I don't think--
there's brunchware
on the table.
Well, I am a toy collector,
and I had a little
toy powwow,
and I had a couple of fellow
toy collectors come over.
All right,
you see anything weird,
you give us a call.
And if you run
into your brother,
be careful.
He may be dangerous.
-He's not dangerous.
-I said "may be."
-He left the door open.
-I left it open.
I didn't say
he was dangerous.
-He said "may be."
-"May be dangerous."
He might be dangerous,
he may not be dangerous.
-You never know.
-Yes, sir, sirs.
Officer recum?
Office feltcher.
-All right.
-All right.
-All right.
All right.
All right.
All right, you guys
can come out now.
Fuck, man.
What is wrong with you?
Oh, my god,
i thought you were the cops.
No, you maniac.
This is bad, man.
This is bad.
What were they doing here?
Are they looking for us?
Yeah, they were asking
about you.
-What do you think?
-I don't know.
They could have been here
for some other shit.
Shut your mouth,
all right?
I've already lied
to the cops once.
Now, there's not a chance
rose is going to
stand for this.
Oh, there's no way
rose will allow this?
That's what we're talking
about right now? Rose?
Are you wearing
a fucking skirt?
Jesus Christ,
are you whipped?
Okay, fine.
Fine, all right?
You guys can't stay.
You got to go.
Real nice.
Kick us out.
Well, let me ask
one more favor, brother.
All right, fine.
We've been in this shit
for three days.
I've been eating out
of the L.A. river,
hiding in doghouses,
drainage pipes,
I haven't had
a good meal since--
the lunch you cooked
was fucking so good,
the first real food
I've had in days.
I could use a nap
and a shower, right?
And then a plan.
I need your brain to help me
come up with a plan
to get out of this shit.
An escape plan.
-You're smarter than I am.
-You want a plan?
-Here's a plan.
You call foxy,
you tell her you have l.P.,
tell he's okay,
and you tell her
to call off the search.
Yeah. "Just call off
the search, foxy."
It's that easy, right?
It sounds nice,
but that's not how it works.
I'm knee deep in this shit.
I need help, brother.
I need your help.
All right.
Take your shower
and take a nap.
And when you get up,
we're going to
go over your options,
and you go home,
get the fuck out.
I'm not going home,
but I'll take a shower.
Let me take my shower.
Come on, l.P.
You can help me make
the pumpkin feta.
Is that the original
soldier boy from 1963?
Yeah, actually, it is.
That is a rare piece.
They only have ten
prototypes in existence.
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
But that bad boy right there
is number one.
-No kidding?
-No-- whoa, whoa, whoa.
We don't touch.
We don't touch.
If you can't touch it,
how do you play with it?
You don't play with it.
You collect it
and you admire it.
You want to see
something really cool?
-All right.
Uncle a., phone.
We'll let the answering
machine get it,
because you're about
to feast your eyes
one something very
few people in the world
have ever seen.
Check this out.
Soldier boy puts the "action"
in "action figure."
Soldier boy is brave.
He fears no enemy,
and kills
the evil orientals.
I'll kill you,
soldier boy.
I'm gonna get you!
Soldier boy's
gonna kill us all!
Run for your lives!
This soldier boy
is not just a hero,
he is a man,
an American.
More guts
than your own father.
Pretty cool, huh?
I would say
for the times,
it has some
serious issues.
Well, yeah.
I mean, the whole
"macho American killing
orientals" thing
pretty much is what killed
the whole soldier boy idea,
but levine, the father of
soldier boy,
he was in Korea,
and he was in some
pretty fierce gun battles,
and I think it
twisted him up a bit,
and after
a couple of failures,
he actually
hit the jackpot
with one of the top five
toys of all time,
-the g.I. Joe.
-Now that is cool.
You have one message.
Message one--
hello, Anthony,
it's rose.
Thanks for taking care
of the bills and
the dry cleaning.
-Let's just forget--
-uncle a, there's a man.
-I had a really busy
first part of the day,
so I was unable
to call you back,
but the day slowed
and camilian came in
to surprise me,
so I'm taking the rest
of the day off.
Camilian wants to give me
a free session in exchange
for dinner,
so we should be getting there
a little earlier for dinner
than I thought,
maybe around 7:00?
- Okay, honey.
- See you soon.
Trouble in
the rose garden?
Yeah, you could
say that again.
This camilian guy,
he likes aunt rose?
No, it's not--
i don't think so,
not like that.
No, he's a
homeopathic healer.
You mean like
a witch doctor?
Yeah, kinda like that,
you know?
He's-- but he's not all
wacky and tripped out,
at least not
on the surface.
He's more like a new
generation-type weirdo,
like a Wal-Mart cult leader
under cover or something?
He looks...
More like a math teacher
than, uh, than a healer dude.
-Sounds odd.
-Yeah, well,
he is a bit fruitcake-y,
but, you know, again,
it's pretty well hidden.
I mean, after all,
he did help cure
aunt rose's
thyroid problem,
which made her
completely depressed
and pardon my French,
a bitch.
But the sessions worked.
She was really
sweet to me,
and things were
really nice, for a while.
I mean, it's probably
been six months
since we've been
nice to each other.
What the hell?
Why is she getting
a free session
for the dinner I'm making?
Shouldn't i
get the session?
I'm making
the damn dinner.
Sounds like you've
put a lot of thought
into this.
Yeah, it's too much.
Are you jealous?
No, I'm pissed off,
or over it, maybe.
I don't know.
I feel like a jerk.
It's just--
it's complicated.
Seems very complicated.
Yeah, well, some of his
spiritual philosophies
are a bit odd and rose
is starting to take to them.
And I don't think that I can
subscribe to these ideals.
-She asking you to?
-Not yet.
But things have changed
between us.
-How so?
-Well, she doesn't--
she doesn't call me
the cute names she used
to call me,
and she doesn't
look at me the same.
And every time she brings up
her new outlook on life,
if I have anything
to say about it,
she gets all
bent out of shape,
and I become
the a-hole.
I don't know, if--
if she asks me to join
the camilian daily cult,
it would be over
between us.
I would have to
walk away.
Walk away?
Are you saying
it would be over?
No more aunt rose?
I couldn't do it.
Do you love her?
I do.
It's gotta be
a two-way street,
you know?
There's a line and I just--
i can't cross it.
The rat can only
run the wheel
in motion
for only so long
before it will
die of exhaustion.
Take my mom and dad.
They have no business
being together.
They fight so much,
it's good they separated.
That's cold.
I'm not being cold
but they just don't fit.
Never did.
They make each other stupid.
-Yeah, but--
-at least you know
where the line is
drawn in the sand,
and which side
you stand on,
as long as
you follow your heart.
I've grown sick of
people who say one thing
and then do another.
That's not you, uncle a.
I believe you will do
what's best for you.
I will.
I promise.
A promise it is.
Get up!
Pops is a very
deep sleeper.
Yeah, always has been.
Get up, Barbra.
Get up, Barbra.
Barbra. Barbra.
Get up, Barbra.
Barbra, come on, buddy.
Get up.
Come on!
She's here!
-It's rose.
-What do we do?
I think it can
be instantaneous.
for example--
-no, I agree.
-For example,
I spent--
this is lovely, by the way.
- Thank you.
- -I spent the first,
easily the first
25 years of my life
looking up at the moon,
never saw the man.
Never saw the man
and then one day,
there he was.
There he was,
We're home!
Everything changed for me.
The way of looking,
and that's how change can be.
-It can be instantaneous.
But I think-- I think
seeing the man in the moon
kind of ruined
the moon for me--
-Oh, hey,
there you are.
Hey, brother.
Get over here!
Oh, we don't shake!
Shaking's what you do
when you're in the depths
of fear.
Oh, it feels good
to be in your presence.
You have some good energy
this evening.
-All right.
-So, is dinner ready?
Oh, I have been hearing about
this white gazpacho soup.
-Uh, no.
But you left
a couple messages
saying you'd started it.
I had a really busy day.
I had a lot of yesses.
Oh, really?
That's surprising.
Well, that sounds good.
Why is that surprising?
What are you putting
your energy into, brother?
Uh, it's a temp job.
A temporary job
is a job.
A job is a connector
to your dreams.
And if you can put some of that
back into the community,
back into the society,
i mean, that's--
that's good for the process.
That's good for your
karmic purposes.
Yeah, I sell burial insurance,
for-- uh, over the phone.
So you want to
get dinner started?
We're starving.
Who wants a glass
of red?
-I would like
a glass of red.
- Me, me.
Me too.
-Oh, my universe.
-Oh wow.
Oh, my.
Oh, this looks and
smells of love!
-Oh, my.
-Thanks, cam.
-I'm sorry?
-My name! It--
my name.
I go by my birth star name.
It's camilian.
Never "cam."
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean
to offend you.
No, no, no, no.
It's okay.
You were coming from,
you know, a healthy place
and I know you didn't
mean any harm by it,
but, um...
You know, you and I,
we are from
the same tribe, brother.
Oh, wow.
Well, you know,
if you keep cooking
like this
and inviting me
i may have to change
my name policy.
Let you call me
whatever you want.
Just don't call me
late for dinner.
It's really good.
Thank you.
It's better than breakfast.
How's the thyroid therapy
sessions going?
You've been at it
for quite a while now.
Oh, well, I think
thyroid issue's behind us.
I did not know that.
I told you that
like two weeks ago.
Yeah, but I thought maybe
you weren't totally healed,
because you kept
the sessions going.
Well, what we did was
we removed the negative
energy from the thyroid
and then we discovered
new blockages while
we were there
that were blocking
what we discovered to be
actually the origin
of the thyroid issue.
What it was blocking.
Oh, what kind of
blockages are you
Oh, I can't talk about it.
No, we can't--
we can't talk about it.
I mean, it's just too
early in the process.
It's like--
we need to--
you know, nurture
and keep safe and
just keep the negative
energy out until it's--
till we're at the right
stage of the process in
the healing process.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I understand,
i understand.
I just didn't want to be
the cause of a blockage.
It's nothing
like that.
No, nothing.
I was joking.
Yeah, I didn't mean--
Rose tells me you--
you collect dolls.
I collect vintage toys.
Some of them
are dolls, yeah.
That's cool.
way to stay young,
you know?
To pretend and
live in fantasy,
I mean, that's--
I wish I had more time
for that sort of activity.
So you use some kind of sound
machine you made up,
or you made it?
Correct, on both counts.
I am the inventor
of the daily chakraphone
and it is named after me,
but I encourage you
to get your daily dose
of the daily chakraphone.
It feels so amazing
after a session.
You should
really try it.
I've been wanting him
to try a session.
I mean, it could help you
with quitting smoking or--
you know what
we should do?
I should do some
clairvoyant teachings
for his-- what is it,
when he hunts for toys?
That would be a good
application, right?
Why don't you come in
for a sesh?
What does it do, actually?
Well, I mean,
just basically...
- May I?
- Mm-hmm.
So, um, picture a tuning fork
after it's been struck.
--So it vibrates.
Makes a sound,
a tone.
Now the daily chakraphone
vibrates at frequencies
that speak directly
to the frequencies
of the human being's DNA.
-That just--
it sounds fantastic.
Well, that's actually
not very crazy.
I mean, the science
is all right there.
It's just a matter
of knowing where to look,
knowing where to dial in
for the specific illness,
you know.
Whatever it might be,
mental, spiritual,
My industry has, you know,
modernized with computers
and a lot, you know.
But, um...
I am currently developing
a chakraphone phone app
as we speak.
You just feel
so much clarity.
-Thank you.
-Well, that's cool.
I mean, that's very cool.
You know, I'm just a kind of
a hands-on type of guy.
You know, like, I need
to see it to believe it.
No, it's fine.
Do you want to do
a session?
Do a session on him,
just by himself?
-I have
the chakraphone.
You both should do
the convention together.
Wow, thank you.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, I guess,
I'm just, uh,
just a bit of a skeptic,
that's it.
Yeah, I was too.
Wow, I was
just like you.
Yeah, you know,
you remind me of me.
So we're having this thing
that I do annually,
and it's happening
next weekend,
and it's actually
our anniversary.
It's a 10-year-anniversary
and as you know,
I've asked rose
to help me out with
the demonstrations
and maybe even some
logistical work, right?
And we were wondering--
well, I was wondering--
if you would like
to join us.
Actually, it's the first time
I'm hearing about it.
I just--
i didn't mention it
'cause I didn't think
you'd be interested.
Well, how could I have
an interest if you
didn't tell me?
So, I'm glad
you're interested.
Oh, ye of little faith!
Okay, this--
this is really--
it's really--
it's truly a great event.
We have healers,
all sorts of healers,
and all sorts of
natural medicines and
methods and
i mean clinics
for any sort of problem
that you might have.
I mean, we've scoured
the whole country
and we've got the best.
It's a 10-day retreat
with the best.
Excuse me for a minute?
Oh, mm-hmm.
You know what I think.
I think this would just
be a great opportunity
for you to
open yourself up
and you wanted to look
and see for yourself.
You know,
if you're interested.
I'm not saying
I'm interested.
But I'm not saying
I'm not interested.
What I said was,
how could I be interested
if you never
brought it up?
You're not interested.
No, that's not
what I'm saying.
I just need a little bit
more information
before I jump off
that bridge.
- Okay.
Yeah, I'll get it.
I'll get it.
Aw, shit.
Who is it?
It's foxy.
Hi, foxy.
Where's your
motherfucking brother
and my child?
What are you talking about?
I haven't seen them.
If I told you--
damn liar.
I can tell, boy.
Don't play with me.
I swear to god,
i have not seen them.
If I heard from them,
i would tell you immed--
ah, shit.
Hey, hey, hey.
No fighting in front of--
shut your ass up, liar!
-Okay, everybody
stop it.
-Stop it.
-Liar. Shut up.
-Stop it.
Stop it.
What is going on?
Don't you people watch
the news around here? Damn!
Barbra kidnapped l.P.
Okay, let's just
all sit down
and talk this through
like adults.
Sit down.
I don't mean to intrude,
but perhaps I can be
of some help
if you need
a neutral mediator.
My name is
camilian daily
and I do energy healing.
-For problematic
crisis resolution.
You're the witch
doctor friend?
Shut your ass up.
Nobody asked you
if you thought
it was funny.
-Shut up.
-It is holistic healing.
Camilian's who helped me
with my thyroid.
No shit.
Oh yeah?
I could use some work.
My chi has been off
like a motherfucker,
you know what I'm saying?
You do tarot cards?
Hmm, I don't
really do tarot--
Where's l.P.?
My baby!
I didn't do it
this time.
Put it on speaker.
It's me, l.P.
I'm okay.
Cut the shit,
you snot nose.
Hey, this is snake.
If you want to see--
what do they call you, kid?
- Yeah.
- -Like the vinyl?
What's that stand for?
Listen, this is snake.
If you ever want to see
d.P. Again--
no, l.P.!
If you want to see
the kid again,
l.P. Again, then you gotta
swap me for soldier boy
or else you, his mom,
and his papa-San
will never see
the kid again.
I know what's
going on, man.
You don't think
i don't watch the news?
Word on the street is
you snatched the kid up.
You go straight to
the pokey for that, man,
and then from there
to the chair.
So here's the deal, fucko.
You give me soldier boy
and everything's copacetic.
Then you can go back
to your copacetic,
cushy little life
with ol' mama Hitler.
-Call the police.
No, wait.
You're not gonna call
the cops on me, are you?
Shut your ass up.
I'll say how to deal
with your ass later.
-Okay. Call 'em.
-Is he all right?
-Get some rope.
-You gonna tie him up?
-Yeah, if he wakes up
before the police get here,
he's gonna be mad as hell.
Guess you'd better
tie him up tight, then.
i need the police.
And then I suggest we
do a relaxation exercise
to reset the energy
in the room.
I want my soldier boy
back, you son of a bitch.
Keep quiet,
you baby snatcher.
Why don't you go outside
and clear your name with
the news reporters?
They still
think it was you.
Hell, I thought it was
you the whole time.
Part of me
still thinks it's you.
Yeah, well,
i didn't do it, so...
You get them back
in their warrior, okay.
You get them to reclaim
their warrior.
Justice was served,
this time.
-You guys are lucky.
-Yeah, don't go running around
trying to be heroes,
doing our jobs for us.
That's what
this badge is for.
You got it.
Thank you, officers.
All right, let's take him
downtown and book him.
Well, the precinct's
in midtown.
Yeah, but you gotta
go through downtown--
but don't say "downtown"
when you mean--
-it's easier-- people know--
-just get him outta here!
Good night, officers.
Is everything, uh...
Worked out?
Yeah, the press is
starting to leave now.
Well, why don't you
both join us?
foxy and rose and I
we've been having some
soul-searching discussion
and we've got a couple
of positive ideas
that we'd like
to run by you.
Barbra, sit.
Sit, Barbra, sit.
Sit, Barbra.
I know you don't
know me from Adam,
and I may come off
as a little strange,
but I want to help.
I've done a lot of
family healing,
so, Anthony, please.
Why don't you
have a seat?
You're a part
of this family, too.
We need your help.
All right,
anything to help.
All right.
So rose and foxy and I
have been doing
a little thinking,
doing a little
soul searching,
and we've been talking about
Sonic spirit convention
my award-winning workshop,
in addition to some other
details about my past
and relationship healing.
And um...
I have a gift.
And frankly,
i was a little scared
when I discovered it
as a child,
but I have learned
that is my mission...
To help others
in relationships.
Barbra, you know,
you are--
you must forgive me here--
you love your foxy
but you are a...
A wild animal
that needs to be tamed.
Wild animal!
Is it simple
to be simple?
And you, Anthony.
You're the kind of guy
that needs to see it
to believe it.
You need some real world,
hands-on experience.
I applaud you for that.
You're a thinker.
You're not one of these guys
that's a clown,
that's just going
to be a lemming and
jump off the bridge,
as you put it, right?
No, I respect that.
So without any further ado,
let's sit back, relax,
and witness
the healing power
of the daily chakraphone.
Is that a walkman?
Wait, just... wait.
We'll get to that,
i promise, all right?
It's party time.
Wait, what's going on?
What is this guy doing?
Keep that damn mouth
of yours shut
if you want me
and your son back.
Dumb fucking cracker-ass.
I think what
your loving foxy
passionately as well--
trying to give you
is a, uh,
what we call
an ultimatum.
A ultimatum.
Two choices.
One, you go to
the Sonic spirit convention
with foxy,
and you work on your
relationship and you heal it,
or two, you don't
go to the super Sonic
spirit convention
and instead,
you get a divorce.
And, uh, you get
a custody battle
over your son.
See what I'm trying
to bring you? Peace.
what I need you to do is
i need you to work, okay?
It's not gonna be easy.
I mean, I can help you.
There's a way that
we can do this.
It's not gonna be easy
but I'm here to help.
But you are gonna
have to put in the work.
And you are gonna
have to be willing,
and you are gonna have
to want it really bad.
All right?
So, let's begin.
First of all,
I'm gonna ask you a question.
Now the question
is a question
I don't want you
to answer just yet, okay?
The question is--
well, I guess you need
to hear the question first.
The question is
are you going
to the Sonic spirit
convention with foxy
to work on
your relationship?
All right, don't answer.
Don't answer that question
till after you've been
daily chakraphoned.
We're gonna take
ten deep breaths,
we're gonna take
that question,
we're gonna put it
into a crystal ball.
We're gonna focus on it
after we close our eyes.
Okay, we'll do
this step by step.
I'll lead you
through this, okay?
All right,
here we go.
So, ten deep breaths,
like this.
No four, five,
let me do it.
Seven-- not yet.
Okay, now--
now you, okay?
--May I touch you?
Okay, that's good.
Let it out, let it out.
All right.
Now we're gonna
take that question
and put it
into a crystal ball,
and focus on
that question,
and we're gonna gently
close our eyes, okay?
Gently close our eyes.
All right, we're gonna
face these people, and--
so now...
Once we're relaxed--
once we're relaxed,
we're going to start
the daily chakraphone.
We're going to start
the daily chakraphone.
Okay, so, what happens...
What sometimes happens
during the experience is...
I've never had anyone
ask for a refund, or--
never had any complaint
of failure,
but sometimes what will
happen is there's a--
when the outcome is not
a union but a reunion of sorts
with the self,
if that's where
the energy needed to go,
so in this case if there
is some misguided love
within Barbra,
the daily chakraphone
will find it
and correct it.
All right, so, also
we have to keep in mind
that this is just
one part of the process.
This is just one
of a long process
that will continue during
the spirit Sonic convention,
Wow. Okay.
- Okay, okay, breathe.
I want you to just...
Oh, my god.
How are you?
I feel good!
Oh, wow, that's great.
-That's good.
- Relaxed!
- -Oh, relaxed.
-Relaxed is good.
That's really good.
Wow, you're very warm.
I'm a professional.
I've done this many times.
And you're safe.
You're in good company.
This is so good.
This is really, really good.
Ladies and gentlemen,
can we-- can we please
give Barbra a hand?
- All right, yeah!
Oh, my goodness,
my goodness.
Oh, wow.
That was really
Okay, give me another
deep breath, just--
just to--
great, now,
do you remember
the question?
You can keep your eyes
closed for this.
-I do.
-You remember
the question.
And do you remember putting it
in the crystal ball?
Oh, yes.
Do you remember...
The color?
- I do, I do.
- -Do you see the color?
What is the color
of that crystal ball?
-Do you remember
the color...
Of the crystal ball?
-Like the sky!
-Oh, ho, ho!
Oh, I can see it!
-Bright blue!
-Oh, bright blue!
Oh, my goodness.
Oh, you guys are gonna have
so much fun when you go.
Oh, my gosh.
You're gonna have
so many new leaders
and so much energy
and so much burning
with fire and energy.
Now I want you
to take the workshop.
The workshop
i want you to take,
a past life regression
correctional boot camp
couples in crisis
workshop, okay?
We go back in past life,
and then we go forward,
you know,
it's past,
present and future.
We're cleansing all of that.
'Cause that--
it repeats, you know.
I'm so happy for you.
It takes a lot of courage.
This is bullshit.
-You're being rude.
-No, this is a cheap trick.
Hey, Anthony.
Uh uh.
Leave cam alone.
No, no, that's--
it's okay,
i can take it.
I have no judgments.
But I can see that
that is not
a two-way street,
is it, Anthony?
Anthony has got it
all figured out,
don't you, Anthony?
You know who I am, right?
I'm just some fairground,
fruitcake hippie,
just walking around
with a silver spoon
in his mouth...
His thumb up his ass...
Parents' trust fund...
Screwing your family...
By healing them.
I see you.
I see you.
I see your skepticism,
Oh, I'm sorry?
You know what?
Let's just drop the illusion
of "I'm sorry" for once,
shall we?
And instead let's
talk about taking
some real responsibility
for our actions.
Oh, I'm sorry, but,
you're not giving my brother
much of an alternative
choice here.
I mean, first off
you put a walkman on his head
and played him some kind
of subliminal message.
Subliminal messages,
subliminal message?
-Is that what you think?
Oh, I don't think so,
i know so.
-Oh, you know so?
-I do.
How else you gonna get him
to change his mind so quick?
Look at him!
That's transformational
vibrational frequency
It's very powerful and
frankly you should try it.
-First off,
I believe you
interrupted me.
My point was,
it's either he goes
to your
Sonic healing convention
or he gets a divorce
and a custody battle?
That's it.
There's no other
no other way
out of this.
Anthony, actually
there's quite a number
of different
That is not
the only option.
The Sonic spirit convention
has many different types
of relationship healing--
yeah, but that's not what
we're talking about, is it?
I don't know,
why don't you tell me
what we're talking about.
You're being
a close-minded asshole.
I'm not being
a close-minded asshole.
-You are too!
-Am not!
-You are!
-Am not.
Anthony, stop sticking
your butt into my business.
trust him on this.
It's an experience.
I mean, it seems like
you're the only one
that has a problem
with healing right now.
I don't have
a problem with healing.
I just think it's a little
narrow-minded, that's all.
You know what?
I don't want to
do this anymore.
-Do what?
-You have two options.
You can go to
the Sonic convention
and do the relationship
healing class with me,
or it's over.
Rose, you can't
do this to me.
-I'm sorry.
-Is that your answer?
It's that simple to you?
This or that?
What the fuck?
It's pretty basic.
You either want me
or you don't.
No, it's not that simple.
It's either I want you,
and I go to the Sonic
healing convention
or I don't get anything.
That's it, nothing.
That's it.
I want you to try.
You won't try.
You won't even try
the chakraphone.
It's a fucking walkman!
I'm drawing a line.
So you can cross it with me,
or not.
All right.
I'll go.
But it's bullshit.
I don't accept your answer
if you call it bullshit.
I feel like I should
have a little bit more
say in the--
maybe you should try
the daily chakraphone.
I said I was going.
Let's just leave it at that,
all right?
Okay, do you see my point?
That as long as he is--
I said I was going,
all right?
What else do you
want from me?
I'm going.
I just want him to try.
I don't want him to go
through the motions.
That's not the same thing,
at all.
It's not the same thing!