Sid Is Dead (2023) Movie Script
1
( barks )
( beeping )
( beeping continues )
Sid: This is a story
of life and death.
Specifically, one life
and one death.
( beeping intensifies,
flatlining )
More specifically, mine.
My name is Sid Sandagger,
and I have figured out
the key
to a long and happy life.
It's quite simple.
Don't mess with the system.
Think about it.
Every awful thing
that happens to someone
in their life,
it can be chalked up
to them ripping at the fabric
of the social continuum.
So don't.
There's a natural order
to things in life,
and it is not
to be reckoned with.
And nowhere
is that more important
than the one environment
more strict,
more brutal, and more savage
than all of the rest--
high school.
Luckily, I've developed
three simple rules
to ensure survival.
Rule number one?
Shut up.
Most people
don't get beaten up
for what they don't say.
Rule number two,
don't stand out.
This applies to everything,
from what you wear,
to who your friends are,
to what extra-curriculars
you're a part of.
I have mastered
the art of the nondescript
extra-curricular.
For example, I'm comptroller
for the Eastland High
student council,
understudy
for the school play...
You make me alive
...equipment manager
for the hockey team...
Hey, yo. Incoming!
...and starter for
the Eastland e-sports team.
E-sports, need I say more?
Midnight tonight, boys.
You excited, Cunningham?
I hacked into
my parents' internet account
to upgrade our speed.
- Sweet.
- Also, I think my parents
are getting divorced.
And finally, the third
and most important rule.
Don't fuck with Chuck.
Chuck Brawnte,
him and his stupid friends
have a few thousand
subscribers to their
YouTube channel,
which, believe it or not,
people actually
give a shit about.
- Whoo! Fuck you, window!
- ( siren chirps )
But the real reason everybody
knows who Chuck Brawnte is...
- Are you boys okay over here?
- Pussy bitch!
...is because
he is super violent.
- Come on. Let's go,
let's go, let's go.
- Here's the big one.
Chuck got kicked out
of his old school
for beating a freshmen
nearly to death.
The kid is still in a coma.
Now I'm not a lawyer,
but allow me to present
these three facts.
One, Chuck got off
with a few hours
of community service.
Two, Chuck's dad
is super rich
because he owns
all the Mercedes dealerships
in upstate New York.
And three, the judge
hearing Chuck's case
now drives a top of the line
Mercedes Benz.
- ( horn honks )
- Get the picture?
( sighs )
Fuh...
Well, there you have it,
Sid Sandagger's
Guide to Life.
( music playing )
But I could care less
What's on your mind
You say something nice
You say something right
And people start
losing their mind
Thursdays on my mind
We were driving
through red lights
We were flying
But I could care less
what's on your mind
- I'm putting Todd
at your parents' table.
- Oh, he gives my dad anxiety.
And your dad's a Republican,
and you're marrying a woman,
- so already kinda anxious.
- Fair point.
- Hey!
- Hey.
- How was school?
- ( grunts )
To me that said,
"Fuck off, Moms,
but I love you."
- No.
- If he was half-Korean,
this would not be happening.
Sid: School was great.
I woke up, I went to class,
and then I came home.
It was perfectly predictable,
which is
perfectly acceptable.
As long as
I stick to my rules,
much like
my internet search history,
high school will be a filthy,
nasty, amoral blip
on my radar
that someday will
never have even happened.
- ( beeping )
- Life is about
embracing routine.
- Oh.
- Eat, sleep, play.
It's gonna be a good night.
That is, of course,
except when a new edition
of War Monger comes out.
It's a sacred night.
And on this night,
you don't eat,
you don't sleep,
and you sit at your altar
for hours on end
just praying to stay alive.
( alarm beeping )
It's pure heaven.
( bell rings )
Then the semen travels
through the vas deferens,
out the urethra,
and hopefully into the vagina
of someone you're
not just using for sex
and that you're willing
to stick around
and raise the baby with.
Or into an anus.
Any questions?
Oh, my God, dude.
Sex Ed is such bullshit.
Like, I don't understand
why we spend
so much time on condoms.
What is there to know?
You open the shit up,
you stick your junk in it,
and you go to town on somebody.
Sid:
My best friend Jim Vega.
Jim cares about two things,
getting laid
and being popular,
and so far
he's achieved neither.
Do they seriously
think dudes are, like,
sticking their balls
in it or something?
You'd be surprised.
What do you want
them to teach?
- Like, I don't know.
- Heads up!
Why don't they teach us
how to fuck awesome?
'Cause it's Sex Ed.
It's not sex class.
Yeah, but what's the difference?
And unlike trigonometry,
this would be, like, practical,
applicable knowledge.
Just talk to
the school board
about it, man.
- Wait, you-- you think so?
- Yeah, why not?
You go to the school board
and you say,
"Ladies and gentlemen,
I would like my teachers
- to teach me
how to fuck awesome."
- I'm serious.
Like, how do you
find the clitoris during
over the pants sex stuff?
Can you not say fucking
"clitoris" in the hallway?
You see, this is exactly
what I'm talking about.
Everyone is so horny that
yelling "clit" in the hall
is like yelling fire
in a theater.
Yeah, and you don't yell fire
in a fucking theater.
Regardless,
the clitoris is at the top
of the labia minora.
That sophomore
with the cleft lip?
No, that's Lydia Mindlin.
Yo, Rafi! What's up, man?
- How you doing?
How was that test?
- Who are you?
All right.
Rafi's the best.
- You really shouldn't do that.
- Why? Rafi's my homie.
Rafi's not your fucking homie.
He just tolerates you
because you let him
cheat off you once.
You're just jealous
'cause I'm popular.
- You're not fucking popular,
- Okay.
- And that's a blessing.
- Oh, come on.
Don't start with your whole
"don't mess with the system"
bullshit.
- You're just afraid
to live a little.
- I live.
What do you call
an all-nighter
playing World Of--
Whoa-ly shit. Tiff Mann.
( laughs )
I don't think I've talked
to Tiff Mann since our
figure skating recital
when I was eight years old.
( crowd groans )
I've been in love with her
the entire time since,
but it's clear
that she didn't exactly
see me as boyfriend material.
I've told you,
no sleepovers at boys' houses.
But, Mom, it's just Sid's.
Come to think of it,
neither did her mom.
Oh, that's fine.
Even more fucked up
than that,
Tiff Mann is dating Chuck.
- Yo.
- ( laughs )
Chuck: Wanna go to
the parking lot right now?
- How was class?
- Sucks.
Mr. Ramirez can literally
lick my butthole.
Suck a dick, Chuck.
- ( whistle blows )
- All right, class, let's go!
- Two laps around the field!
- Oh, my God.
Dude, do you think
Juliana Ulrich would be down
for a finger in the butt?
Teacher:
Good speed! Keep it up!
I really don't think
girls are as into that
as you think they are.
Are you kidding me?
It's a second G-spot.
And I'm usually pretty good
at telling who would be down.
I'm like the Finger
In The Butt Whisperer.
You know who probably sticks
a bunch of fingers in butts?
- Teacher: Two more laps!
- Chuck. Chuck is the man.
Did you see his latest video?
He totally wrecked
Su-Ming Lee's car
with a pogo stick.
- Chuck's a fucking monster.
- Jim, Jim! Hey.
You haven't told me
what color tie you're
wearing to homecoming.
That's 'cause
I'm not going with you, Luna.
Sid:
Meet Luna Peralta.
Luna and Jim have
known each other since
they were in diapers,
and have hated each other
just as long.
Luna does not hold back.
You think I wanna go with you?
Here's a list
of inanimate objects
I would rather take to
Homecoming than you, okay?
Bleach, a bottle of urine,
and rusty nails literally
stuck in my hands.
- Glad we're on the same page.
- My crazy parents only
want me to go with you
'cause they know I'm not
gonna come back pregnant.
Great. Not happening.
Leave me alone. I have herpes.
You wish you had herpes.
That would have to mean
someone touched
- your skinny
little micro-penis.
- It's not skinny.
If anything, girth is my asset
and length is my weakness.
- Okay.
- So fuck off.
Buddy, nothing is your asset,
and being a fuckwad
is your weakness.
Later, shrimp dick.
- She is so mean.
- I know.
- Teacher: Sandagger, Vega!
- I love it.
( music playing )
( indistinct chatter )
- Oh, come on, babe.
- Hey! Hold it.
- What's up?
- Oh.
- Oh. You look awful.
- I'm just tired.
- We got an email.
A parent-y email.
- Yes.
Uh, "Please ensure
proper Homecoming attire,"
blah blah blah.
Were you planning on
wearing a very short skirt
to this dance?
Why is this the first time
we're hearing about
this Homecoming?
- 'Cause I'm not going.
- Why not?
Homecoming is a very big deal.
You get all dressed up,
and you wait for some schnook
to pick you up,
and you dance at arm's length,
and then you have
a fleeting sexual encounter.
- And then you realize
that you're a lesbian.
- Yes.
Have you thought
about that, Sid?
You might be a lesbian
and not even know it.
- You do like Brandy Carlile.
- And going to Maine.
- Mm, the signs are all there.
- Come on.
- Why aren't you going?
- ( grunts )
That was a pretty
compelling argument.
Come on.
Think about it.
You don't want to
graduate high school
without any memories.
Actually, I have no problem
leaving high school
without any memories.
I can't imagine
any experience good enough
to risk the possibility
of a bad one.
It's like why I don't have
my driver's license.
And what's so bad about this?
A 72-hour War Monger marathon
is pretty awesome and safe.
( burps )
Game on, baby.
Okay, well, maybe 72 hours
isn't entirely safe.
According to Google,
there are seven specific
signs of sleep deprivation
that all lead
to complete madness.
Heads up, Tiny Tim.
Ow. Stupid hemorrhoid.
Look alive, fuckface.
Oh, God. Dude, slow down.
What happened to
no carbs till college?
Symptom number one,
you eat a lot.
- I'm fricking starving.
- Oh, pop quiz.
Okay, so you're
driving home from a party
and you can't drive.
What do you take?
Uber or Lyft?
Symptom number two,
you're indecisive.
- I don't know.
- Lyft, 'cause their drivers
are super hot.
Plus, Uber is for fascists.
Symptom number three,
you forget things.
- What are we talking about?
- I'm open, I'm open!
Symptom number four?
Delayed motor skills.
- Come on, come on.
- Go, go, go, go, go!
Symptom number five,
your pain receptors are...
- Heads up!
- ...diminished.
- ( whistle blows )
- Sorry!
Symptom number six,
your senses get all weird.
- ( distorted chatter )
- And the final symptom
of sleep deprivation
leading to complete madness,
you lose your filter.
Suck a dick, Chuck.
What did you just say?
- Come on.
- What the fuck did you
just say to me?
Um, I said, uh,
I said suck--
suck her lick, Chuck.
I want you guys
to enjoy kissing each other,
'cause, you know, like,
we're not gonna be
young forever.
Uh, I didn't say
that second part,
but I thought it.
Uh, what I said, uh...
- I said, "Suck a dick."
- ( crowd groaning )
Suck a dick,
you pogo stick-riding douchebag.
You think everyone's
afraid of you? Why?
Because you look like
one of those punching bags
shaped like a torso?
( bones crack )
Jimenez, my good man.
I'm not his man.
I don't even know
who the hell he is.
- We ride.
- You remember three rules
to getting through
high school alive?
Shut up, don't stand out,
don't fuck with Chuck?
Well, this is what happens
when you break all three
of those rules
in the exact same moment.
- ( grunts )
- ( bell ringing )
Motherfucker.
Tell me another joke.
Tell me another fucking joke.
Huh? Was it worth it?
- I really fucking hope
it was worth it.
- Break it up!
- I'm gonna kill you, kid.
I'm gonna fucking kill you.
- Ow!
- Oh! Oh, oh!
- I am going to end your
goddamn miserable life.
- Come here, kid. Come here.
- The next time I see you,
you are fucking dead.
- Get the fuck off me!
- Are you okay?
Chuck:
...fuck off me. God damn it!
( toilet flushing )
This is fucking fantastic.
I've never seen
something like this.
I mean, terrible--
oh, dude, you're up.
This is a fascinating
porn collection.
How long have I been out?
Dude, you've been out for,
like, seven hours. Here.
The nurse said
that you were gonna sleep
for a really long time.
- What about Chuck?
- So Luna texted me.
I don't even know how
she got through to me
because I blocked her number,
but she said that Chuck
is only gonna be suspended
for 2 1/2 weeks.
- That's it?
- Plus anger management
counseling.
I have two weeks to live.
2 1/2 weeks actually.
So, what? Today's--
Today's Wednesday,
so he's suspended
until the 25th.
Aw, damn it.
That's the day of
the Homecoming dance.
It's not like you need
another reason not to go.
You all right? Sid?
Dude, what are
you thinking about?
- Sid: Death.
- I'm gonna kill you.
I broke my rules,
I fucked with the system,
and this is what I deserve.
Chuck is gonna kill me,
and who's gonna stop him?
Not the police,
not the school,
not the courts.
- No one ever has.
- ( knocking on door )
Sid, you still awake?
Jim told me you two
called out sick from work.
You feeling okay?
Hmm.
Oh, I get it. Boundaries.
( bell ringing )
( indistinct chatter )
Sid: This can't be it.
This can't be how it ends.
I've gotta find out
where Chuck is
and explain what happened.
He'll understand.
Well, obviously this would
work a little bit better
if I had a banana
that wasn't quite so ripe.
But I can't find
the demo banana,
so I just took this
out of my lunch.
Dude, did you hear?
Chuck's parents sent him
to some anger management class
during his suspension
in, like, Switzerland?
It turns out the Swiss
are masters
of not giving a fuck.
It sounds dope, and rich,
and you can ski there.
- Maybe he'll forgive you.
- And inside the condom...
Mm, no, you're probably right.
- He's probably gonna
murder you. Sorry, dawg.
- All right, question.
What is the only 100% effective
method of contraception?
- Butt stuff.
- No, that's not it.
- Double condoms.
- No.
- Dry humping.
- Abstinence.
It's written--
it's literally on
the board behind me.
Now, Candace is your
student abstinence leader,
so she's agreed
to share her experience
or, well, lack thereof.
So, as you guys know,
I have taken
the abstinence pledge.
I'm in Sex Ed,
and I'm gonna die a virgin.
What are they gonna write
on my tombstone?
"Here lies Sid Sandagger.
He shrugged."
What's wrong with me?
Was this really my life?
I can't die like this.
Is this why my moms
want me to make memories?
In case some psycho
with a YouTube channel
pounds me to death
on the dance floor
at Homecoming
to a Taylor Swift ballad?
I'm sick of it!
And this abstinence queen
going on
and on and on and on
- and on and--
- Fuck that.
Sid?
- I'm sorry.
- Candace, please continue.
I'm sorry that
I've wasted so much time
in this dumb class.
Excuse me. Sid Sandagger!
Candace, I'm sorry for
interrupting you, but come on.
Be honest with yourself.
Aren't you tired of lying?
Have you ever dealt
with unhealthy, unclean urges
or impure thoughts?
- At this very moment.
- ( snickering )
Do you know what I think about
on a daily basis?
It would traumatize you.
And then I search it
on the internet,
and it exists
and there's porn for it.
That means I'm not alone.
You're probably horny
all the time, too!
- Actually--
- It's okay, Candace!
You can admit to flicking it
every now and again.
- No one's gonna crucify you.
- Dude, I don't know
what you're doing,
- but please keep going.
- I'm horny.
You are horny!
Everyone in this room is horny!
Like, what's the big deal?
It takes a slight breeze,
and I am hard as a rock!
All right, Sandagger,
lock it up.
Come on, Dr. Capanna.
This is Sex Ed,
for crying out loud.
How can you just stand there
and let this girl
make us all feel badly
for having completely normal
sexual appetites?
- How do you sleep at night?
- Yeah, I don't.
I have really bad apnea.
- It's not because of this.
- Why?
Why do we all have to pretend
that we don't
want to fuck each other
six ways to the weekend?
We should embrace it!
For crying out loud,
I can see Dave Guggenheim's
boner from here.
And you know what?
I love your boner, Dave.
- Because Dave's boner
is in all of us.
- Yeah.
- We are all Dave's boner!
- Yeah.
And I'm not gonna sit here
and let you make everyone
in this room feel bad
- for having completely normal
sexual appetites.
- Yeah!
My name is Sidney Sandagger,
and I once put a Sharpie
inside of my own butthole.
- I humped a melon.
- Okay, Guggenheim!
I cut a hole in it,
and I microwaved it,
and then I humped it.
Hell yeah, man.
That is disgusting.
Okay, don't encourage him.
That's a UTI waiting to happen.
I get off to porn
of guys doing it
with other guys.
- Sit down!
- I use my electric toothbrush
as a vibrator.
My boyfriend and I
are into macrophilia.
I have a reoccurring sex dream
about Elizabeth Warren.
I have vertical balls!
- Oh.
- ( murmuring )
Like,
instead of a left one
and a right one,
I have an upstairs
and a downstairs.
It's like two-thirds
a snowman.
It goes pickle, potato,
potato, cinnamon doughnut.
- That is so hot.
- ( bell ringing )
Okay, all right, all right.
Warner, Sandagger,
Guggenheim, okay.
Oh, God damn it.
- No one's taking home condoms.
- Sid, Sid.
( overlapping chatter )
Sid, dude!
Dude, what the hell was that?
- I don't know.
- Dude, that was brilliant!
- Come on! Say something!
- I don't know, man.
Dude, that was
fucking incredible!
Like, fuck every
other revolutionary
that's come before you.
- Like, you are the Messiah.
You are Jesus returning.
- ( phone chimes )
Candace should've
fucking recognized that.
Like, you are
the king-fucking-penis.
Your schlong definitely
grew three inches from that.
Whatever it is that
made it click for you,
- that's what we gotta
tell everyone about.
- What?
Oh, my God. Sid, we're gonna
get so much pussy from this.
I was so inspired.
I feel liberated!
- Like, this is how...
- ( music playing )
( indistinct chatter )
- Sid: Who is this?
- Jim: Hugh Hefner would be
so proud of you,
may his soul rest
in fucking peace.
Like, he would be so happy.
I'm going home
and I'm trying that...
- ( music continues )
- ( phone chimes )
- ...like vagina juice.
- Sid: What's next?
- That's fucking brilliant!
- How the hell should I know?
It's so DIY, and, like...
- I've never really
thought about it before.
- ( doorbell rings )
I mean, I don't think
I want to deliver pizzas
with Jim
for the rest of my life,
but I'm a senior
in high school.
I don't even know
what I wanna wear tomorrow.
What if I die, Jim?
What if I die?
What are you talk--
Chuck isn't gonna kill you.
Dude, he beat a kid
nearly to death,
and he's been beating
people ever since.
It's not like he's
getting any worse at it.
Oh, God. Two weeks.
What if this is it?
Oh, that is just so sad.
Look, Chuck isn't
gonna kill you, dawg.
- I'll protect you.
- Yeah, sure, you will.
Unless he offers
to let you be in one
of his fucking videos.
You think he'd ever
let me be in one?
- Fuck you, man.
- I'm kidding.
But, like, let's say
for a second that Chuck
might actually kill you,
which I'll admit
is a possibility because
he does have a record.
So in this hypothetical world,
then you got two weeks
left to live.
What do you wanna do?
That.
Skip rocks?
No, live.
I wanna fucking live.
What do you mean?
Sidney, where has
that Sharpie been?
( music playing )
Sid, what are you doing?
"Win at some--"
What does that even mean?
I don't know.
I have no idea.
But I'm not gonna,
like, you know,
get a promotion
or start a company
or have a fling
with some foreign girl
on a train in Europe.
- ( sighs )
- Everything that
you do in life,
everything that makes life good,
I have to do it right now.
I don't want just some memories.
I want all the memories.
"Know real love."
Are you gonna die a virgin?
( sighs )
Yeah! That's my boy!
Let's go!
Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
- ( music continues )
- ( indistinct chatter )
Don't start
running me around
Don't start
running me around
Dude, that sounds insane.
Don't start
running me around
So you're gonna do
all of this in two weeks?
Yeah. What have I got to lose?
( indistinct chatter )
- ( sighs )
- Hey! You want some dinner?
Stay impenetrably silent
if you love your mothers.
- Both: Yes!
- You're gonna hit
Your back side
when your roll out
I know I used
to roll the dice
Till I slowed down
I hope you
hit your back side
- Hit your backside
- ( grunts )
When you roll out
Don't start, don't start
Don't start
running me around
- What's up, dude?
- Hey.
Girl: Hey, Sid.
Don't start
running me around
Dude! Sid, dude,
everyone is talking about
your "I'm Boner Spartacus" bit
in Sex Ed yesterday.
- Like, in a good way?
- Yes, like, in a fucking ama--
- Jim! Jim.
- Oh, my God.
Luna, what the fuck
do you want?
I don't remember saying
Beetlejuice three times.
Ha, ha, ha.
You're so funny, Jim.
We need to buy tickets
for Homecoming,
- and you have to pay
for them, so...
- ( phone chimes )
Well, make sure you tell that
to the Japanese sex robot
that you get to take you
to the dance,
'cause I'm not going
with you, Luna.
Dude, dude, dude, dude.
Incoming heatseekers inbound.
- What?
- Hey.
Holy shit.
Oh, please, God,
let Tiff Mann be
my secret texter.
Uh, hey. Hey.
- I'm Tiff.
- Oh, I know.
Um, listen, I just wanted
to say I'm really sorry
about what Chuck did to you.
Oh, no, that's--
that's, uh-- he's--
- that's okay.
- No, it's not okay.
His parents say that
he has impulsivity issues,
but I think he can
just be a dick sometimes.
Yeah, yeah.
Also are you going to
go the game tonight?
He'll be there,
and so will I.
Now is probably a good time
to talk about hockey.
Let me see you get it in net.
Hockey is a pretty
big deal in Eastland.
- Let's get it in!
- Score a goal,
and you get to feel
what it's like to be a god.
Brad passes it to Worsham.
And he goes for the shot.
He shoots. He scores!
You know who knows that
feeling better than anyone?
- Whoo!
- Eric Worsham.
Eric, Eric, Eric!
Eric is like a king
in Eastland.
Face-off at center ice!
Good move, man.
Good move, Eric. Come on!
But heavy is the head
that wears the helmet.
Eric has to be perfect,
because if he's not...
Move your fucking feet!
Come on!
...he gets to enjoy
a lifetime of pain
and humiliation.
- And they're alone!
- ( buzzer )
And just like that,
the Fighting Spirits have
sent this game into overtime.
Get the fuck up,
you fucking piece of shit!
Eric, that goal!
That's on you!
And Coach Worsham expressing
his frustrations
as they make their way
to the locker room.
I wouldn't wanna be
at that dinner table tonight.
Oh, yeah.
Did I forget to mention?
That psycho coach?
Also Eric's dad.
You know what you are?
I can't even say the word
because the school board
won't let me call you
"pussies" anymore.
You pissed away the last period.
God damn, look at me when
I'm fucking talking to you!
Beat the fuck out of someone
out there, okay?
Like we're back
in fucking 'Nam!
What have I got,
a bunch of pacifists?
Or do I have me some warriors
in this fucking room?
Now, I love you boys.
You know I do.
On three. One, two, three!
- Go, Frogs!
- Whoo! Go, Frogs!
- Come on, guys.
Let's go, come on.
- ( phone chimes )
Come on, boys, let's go.
Get out there and fucking win.
Come on!
I love you guys.
Get out there, play hard,
play fast.
Come on, guys.
Let's go, come on.
You don't have go out there.
What the hell
are you talking about, man?
Say you go out there, right?
And you do whatever
the hell it was
your dad was screaming about,
and you win the game,
and you win
a lot more games, right?
You get a scholarship,
and now you're playing NCAA.
And you do really well there.
And now you're playing
in the NHL.
And now you have fans
and money and women
and you might even win
the Franklin Cup.
- Stanley.
- The Stanley Cup.
But you'll still be miserable,
because you're not
playing to win.
You're playing not to lose.
- I don't know.
- I know what it's like
to live your life
the way you do
because you're afraid.
I used to hide
in all kinds of places.
- You hide in here.
- I gotta get back out there.
( crowd chanting )
No, you don't.
Crowd: Let's go, Frogs!
Let's go, Frogs!
Sid: Turns out jockstraps
are super uncomfortable,
especially when you're using
somebody else's.
And we got Eric Worsham
returning to the ice.
Looks like he took
a few extra minutes of rest,
and he'll need it against
these Fighting Spirits.
And face-off at center ice.
The drop!
- Eric Worsham going offsides.
- ( whistle blows )
Ooh, you don't see that
from Worsham every day.
- Uh, we've got a face-off
deep in the Frog territory.
- I'm good, bro.
Jim: There's the drop!
Worsham has got the puck.
Oh! Worsham is pounded by
the Spirits, and he's down.
Coach:
Get your fucking heads
in the game, kids.
Jim: Looks like
that'll leave a mark.
Coach:
Come on, let's go, boys.
( echoing )
Let's go! God damn it.
What the fuck are you doing?
You cock-sucking
son of a fucking bitch.
( continues, distorted )
- ( whistle blows )
- Sid: And then I remembered
why I was here.
For in the realm of the dead,
where I'm going,
I wanna be able
to talk about this shit.
The Frogs lining up
with the Fighting Spirits
- in striking distance.
- Let's go, E.
Referee: All right, boys,
sticks down, face-off.
Jim: And the puck is down.
Oh! With a huge collision
on center ice.
Worsham now has the puck.
Fuck fear.
I've been doing a lot
of avoiding in my life.
Time to put it to good use.
- Jim: Oh, he dodges!
- Come on!
Jim: He's getting close
to the goal!
With a spin like a ballerina!
He shoots!
No fear, motherfucker!
- ( buzzer )
- He scores!
( cheering )
Eric Worsham brings
the Frogs to victory!
Crowd:
Eric, Eric, Eric!
- Yeah! Whoo-hoo!
- ( chanting fades )
( crowd murmuring )
- Sid.
- What the fuck?
Sid? Is that the guy that shoved
the sharpie up his asshole?
Um, correction,
that goal was scored by,
and I can't believe
I'm saying this,
my best friend Sid Sandagger!
He's 160 pounds
of pure sexual energy,
and he's very, very single!
Go, Sid!
Hey. Who the fuck are you?
I'm a friend of your son's,
I guess?
I clean the jockstraps.
I give them--
I'm, like, their penis--
Where the fuck
did you learn that thing?
I, um-- I...
Fantastic Figure Skating
for Fabulous Five-Year-Olds.
Can you be
at practice tomorrow?
Yeah.
Yes, sir. Yes, coach.
( cheering, laughter )
( chimes )
Jim: I don't know
what you did to Eric,
but that was some
serious Jedi voodoo shit.
He was just afraid.
I used to live like that.
- Dude, he quit hockey.
He joined the dance team.
- Good for him.
- Yo, what up, Sid?
- What's up, Sandagger?
Who are you?
Moving on.
With Arlene in the hospital
for her
Seasonal Affective Disorder,
I will be assuming
the role of interim
student body president.
However,
according to school bylaws,
we will hold a special election
to determine
a permanent replacement
for the remainder
of the year.
Obviously, I will need
a vice-president to run with.
You'll be working with me,
designing campaign signs,
ironing out our platform,
and of course, debating
alongside me in three days.
Expect long, gruesome hours
and a whole lot of fun.
- ( phones chiming )
- Now, raise your hand
if you'd like
to be considered.
( chiming continues )
Sid: You know, I'm not sure
when it became cool
to hate on Megan Waters,
or even why, really.
But a few months ago,
some kid started
a FarmersOnly account
and posted pictures of her
with a bunch of dicks
and other stuff
flying around.
People can be such jerks.
And when do they decide
that's the one
we're gonna torture?
That's the one
that we're gonna make
feel like shit?
It isn't right.
( chiming continues )
Great.
I'll give you guys
some time to think it over
and I'll put a sign-up sheet
on the door.
Meeting adjourned.
Before I die, I said
I'd fuck up the system.
Helping Megan Waters
just might be the way.
- Hey, Megan.
- Hey, Sid.
About the whole
vice-president thing?
I'm sure that
I'll find somebody.
I would--
I would love to run with you.
- Really?
- Yeah. Why not?
Well, I should probably vet you
against the other candidates
before I make
any final decisions.
Right. Welcome to the ticket.
I've never really done drugs.
Oh, except in sixth grade
when I took two Tylenol
and drank
three Diet Dr Peppers
and ended up riding
the mammoth at the museum.
Haven't really
experimented since.
This is the shit you want.
You ever spent
the night with molly?
Uh, spent what?
Oh, yeah. No.
Um, what is molly exactly?
You ever been rolling
down a hill in the ice
but felt really hot
in your soul?
Um, no.
It's, like, spiritual.
The real you comes out.
You're gonna trip balls.
Cool. Sweet.
Um, how much do I owe you?
- How much you want?
- Just a few... bits.
- Bits?
- Pieces? I don't know.
Just a handful.
I don't-- what--
Just enough
to have a good time.
- 80.
- 80. Cool.
Usually, I'd be
saving this money for,
I don't know, my future?
That's the nice thing
about imminent death.
It makes financial planning
a lot easier.
But don't take more
than half a pill at a time.
- Half a pill?
- Yeah.
Got it. Okay.
- Minty fresh.
Just like this shit.
- Thank you.
You think that Candace chick
would be down to hump?
The abstinence cop? No.
No, man,
I don't think she is.
I might be catching
feelings for her.
That's too bad, man.
You know what, Dave?
Why wait?
If not now, then when, right?
- Boner bros.
- Boner bros.
Like, a lot of puss.
Oh, dude,
the Frakas twins are having
a party this weekend.
- We gotta go.
- Sweet. What kind of party?
Aw, dude,
it's a wine-tasting party.
They got Austrian whites,
they got a sommelier coming.
I mean, he's gonna-- I mean--
what do you think kind of party?
Yeah, dude.
Whatever, I'm in.
- Are you serious?
- Yeah.
Fuck yes, dude!
That's what I'm talking about.
Dude, I thought I was
gonna have to sell that.
Like, for real,
I had this whole thing prepared
about how if we both hook up,
we would be brothers.
Like, not that
we're not already brothers,
but we would be like
boner brothers.
Oh, dude, I'm so sorry,
but Dave Guggenheim
already called that.
( phone chiming )
You know, I always suspected
Tiff Mann was an angel,
but am I really
falling in love
with an honest to goodness
celestial being?
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, were you
masturbating again?
- What? No!
- That's okay.
Masturbation promotes health.
That's why grandma's
never had the flu.
- Can I help you guys?
- Well, when you are a parent,
and your son's Sex Ed teacher
Dr. Capanna calls you
and tells you that your son
has flipped out in class...
Dr. Capanna, by the way,
sounds like the biggest moron.
But also, if your son,
say, mysteriously ends up
on the cable access
sports channel pucking a goal,
we have no choice
but to get very invasive
and ask what exactly
is going on?
- I'm fine.
- Do you know what?
- You don't look fine.
- Mm-mm.
I had teeny little
mishap at school.
- With a girl?
- No.
- With Dr. Capanna?
- No.
Okay, well,
if you change your mind,
you know where to find us.
- Friday.
- Hmm?
I have another game on Friday.
And I am going to
Homecoming next week.
Do you want us
to ask a girl out for you?
Because we are good at that.
No thank you, no.
( music playing )
( music continues )
Well, all right.
It appears as though
I am not the only one
who is fucking up
the system nowadays.
- ( cheering )
- Whoo!
Hey, take five, guys.
What's up?
- What's up, man?
- How you doing?
I'd heard you joined
the dance team.
That's-- that was--
that was awesome.
- Hey, nice goal
the other night.
- Thanks, man.
Hey, I wanted to
tell you something.
Um, just thank you
for talking to me
the other night.
I feel like
I'm finally having fun
in high school.
- I'm happy for you, man.
- I should get back there,
- but have a good game Friday.
- Careful on those backflips.
- Hey, don't let my dad
ride you too hard.
- I won't!
- See you around, Sid.
Let's go again.
- All right! Okay, one...
( piano playing scales )
Good God, understudy,
I cannot wait
to kiss that mouth.
It's, like, the hottest
face hole I've ever seen.
God.
Only a total tool
would call Tiff Mann's
perfect lips a face hole.
Then again, Erwin Mueller
is a total tool.
Voice on PA:
This time with lights, please.
Thank you.
- ( thunder rolling )
- Me, alive
You make me alive
( thunder continues )
A final kiss
before I burn your body
Also, what the fuck
even is this show?
Megan: 'Cause we know that
Olivia's gonna go after
those one-issue
plastic straw voters,
who aren't even informed,
and they don't even know
that it's landfills
that are causing
the most pollution
in our entire planet.
But we have to appeal to them.
We have to appeal
to that dumb demographic.
Hey!
You know, that's really rude,
to just rifle through
people's things?
What is it? Is it, like,
a diary or a journal?
Is it a hit list?
Are you an assassin?
It sounds stupid,
but I write poetry sometimes.
- Can I hear one?
- No.
- Please?
- No.
Look, it's...
I'm still fixing them.
Rainbows contain
all of the colors,
but white light contains all
of the colors of the rainbow.
I am the white light
on a cold night.
And if you look just right,
you will see all
of the colors inside of me.
There.
Now we can get back
to recycling.
- That was great.
- You don't have to like it.
- I know.
- You know, I've never actually
read one of my poems out loud.
Normally when
I try to talk to people,
they just walk away.
Megan, I'm sorry
that I never stuck up for you
in student council.
- It's fine.
- It's not.
It's not. I'm sorry.
Okay, we really need
a stronger stance on cardboard.
( groans )
Let's just take a break.
I can't just take a break, Sid.
Every minute that we take off
is another one that
Olivia Binghman doesn't.
That dirty whore
has been trying to steal
the council from me for years,
and we are not
about to let that happen.
Mm-hmm.
- Your breath stinks.
- I'm good.
- I have some in my bag.
- Good, 'cause I'm almost out.
I've been meaning to get
the average joe perspective.
What do you feel?
Paper or plastic?
Yeah, my mom threw a hairdryer
at my dad last night.
- I don't know if he bled,
but it look like it hurt.
- Oh, my God.
- Um...
- I wanna believe in love,
but I don't know anymore.
Yeah, that's one of life's
greatest mysteries.
It's big, right?
Like, life-changing.
Mm-hmm, and it's--
just don't feel like
it's your fault.
- I'm sure it's not your fault.
- It might be.
Sorry. I need a minute.
Yeah, take-- I'm sorry. Yeah.
- I didn't mean
to make that weird.
- No, no.
- I'm good. I'm surviving.
- Yeah, of course.
I just-- I wanna be there
and I don't know with to say
because I don't-- I never--
my parents are still in love.
- So, sorry. I just--
- Yeah, thanks for
rubbing that in.
- Um, I'm so sorry.
- It's okay.
( PA chimes )
Announcer:
Attention, Eastland Frogs.
The student council assembly
will begin in ten minutes
in the auditorium.
Where the fuck
have you been, Sandagger?
Megan, this is the men's room.
I know.
What the hell are you
doing in here, huh?
- I'm just peeing.
- You peed?
Every great politician knows,
"No pee before debate.
It's the pee
that makes you great."
I haven't pissed in four days.
Oh, my God.
That's incredibly unhealthy.
By the way, your mints,
they taste like shit.
- No. Oh, shit.
- What?
Are they not mints?
- Uh, kind of.
- Kind of?
Okay, there's no such thing as
kind of when it comes to mints.
They either refresh
your breath or they don't.
They freshen your perspective.
Oh, my God, they're a drug.
I've never taken a drug before!
( toilet flushing )
Get the fuck out of here, Eli!
- Move!
- And vote Megan Waters!
Nobody's gonna vote
Megan Waters now.
Relax. It's okay.
- I think I need to call
my pediatrician.
- It's gonna be fine.
I'm-- you're gonna be fine.
I promise.
- ( whimpering )
- You're gonna go out there,
and you're gonna be yourself,
and everyone's gonna love you.
- No one loves me, Sid!
- Jesus.
No one even likes me.
Because people like you and me,
we're not pretty.
No! But we're smart.
And that means that
we're supposed to have
good lives after we leave.
No. Megan,
we're gonna start now.
See?
( groaning )
You're gonna be fine,
I promise.
Okay.
So what drug was it
that we took?
( feedback whines )
( overlapping whispers )
- Oh, okay.
- Your turn, your turn.
Hey, everyone. Sid Sandagger.
Uh, it is my strong opinion
that Megan
is the fucking best.
- I'm serious, girl,
you're such--
- Really?
- Yeah, you're the fucking shit.
- Aw, dude.
- I love you so fucking much.
- Such good friends.
We've blossomed.
- Our friendship has blossomed.
- Aww, Sid.
Oh, yeah, of course.
Friends.
Okay, I hear ya.
We have evaluated things
and come to the conclusion
that you have all
been cocks to her.
Yeah, you guys--
you guys have been cocks.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- You've been cocks!
Especially you,
Jonathan Gliggman.
Yeah, but she is wonderful,
wonderful,
if you can't tell already.
- Thank you.
- And I think it's about time
that you got to
know her yourself.
So, um, well, without
much further ado, Megan.
Be yourself.
You got this.
Whoo!
I am a prism.
I refract.
But I glow for me.
And I dance for you.
And you and you and you
and everybody!
Not her! You made your signs
with signs with glitter,
and I went to Kinko's, bitch.
( beat-boxing )
( continues beat-boxing )
Composting papers
on papers
- Recycle bottles on bottles
- Skrr, skrr
We're burning bodies
like models
And now you inhaled
the vapors
You know what
you wanted me to spit
- Whoo, whoo
- And now you're sorry I did
- Huh!
- Losers vote for Olivia
Ballers vote Megan and Sid,
you love it
Sid: Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah! Whoo!
Megan, Megan, Megan, Megan!
Megan, Megan, Megan!
Megan, Megan, Megan, Megan!
Megan, Megan, Megan, Megan!
Megan, Megan, Megan, Megan!
Megan, Megan, Megan, Megan!
- Megan, Megan...
- ( music playing )
- ( crowd cheering )
- Jim: Oh, it's a pass
to Sandagger!
- Oh, oh!
- Sid: I can't believe
I'm about to say this,
but as long as
you are not falling flat
on your face in spandex...
- He shoots! He scores!
- ( cheering )
...standing out might not be
the worst thing in the world.
- Sidney! Go, Sidney! Go!
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
- It certainly
has its benefits.
Later, dude.
- Good game, guys.
- Good job, Sid.
Tiff Mann might be
my destiny,
but sometimes even destiny
needs a little nudge.
Break a leg
out there tonight, man.
Hello, understudy.
I thought I smelled you.
Now, this isn't something
I'm super proud
to add to
my lifetime achievements,
but Erwin Mueller's a dick.
( Erwin screams )
Announcer: Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to tonight's
performance of "Frankenstein,"
the new musical
by Erwin Mueller,
based on a concept
by Mary Shelley.
Tonight,
the role of Frankenstein
will be performed
by Sidney Sandagger.
The performance will begin
in a moment.
- Did he tell you?
- No.
Oh.
( music playing )
Oh, how I love thee
And yet you're a monster
A vicious monster
I am a vicious monster
- Wow.
- You must die, monster
But know
I will never forget you
- She will never forget me
- Goodbye, goodbye
- I can't tell if it's
supposed to be a parody.
- Is it funny?
- ( grunts )
- ( sobbing )
A final kiss
Before I burn your body
Sid: Don't get a boner.
Don't get a boner.
Don't get a boner.
Don't get a boner.
Don't get a boner.
Don't get a boner.
Don't get a boner. Damn it.
- Oh, shit.
- Go, Sid.
Whoo! Yeah, Sid!
My acting coach says
I need to follow
my instincts.
Huh. Wait, you have a--
you have an acting coach?
- On YouTube.
- Well, that's 21st century.
Um, do you want to--
would you like to go maybe
to the Frakas twins' party
with me tomorrow?
( phone chimes )
- Okay.
- Oh, yeah. Okay.
Sick. Cool. Uh, dope.
I'll pick you up at 10.
- You'll text me?
- I don't have your number.
Sid: Don't have my number.
We love a good cat and mouse,
don't we, Tiff Mann?
Hey, bud,
you got something
on your face.
( music playing )
Go
( music continues )
Let's go
Go, go,
trouble in the evening
Take it or leave it
I can really feel it
Stay in on the weekends
Hey, does this shirt
make me look fat?
Like, kinda like when I do this?
Oh, no. No.
Buttons are totally slimming.
- What time again?
- Um, so, 10.
So then I'll pick you up at 9:30
'cause we gotta get Luna first.
- Dude, you're taking Luna?
- It's just for show. What?
- ( speaking Spanish )
- Mom!
No wonder you don't like Luna.
You're too busy falling
in love with Sid!
- Mom! Making me date
that brown fire hydrant--
- She is a lovely girl.
- She's like Satan in the flesh.
- I will smack your ass
- back to next Thursday, okay?
- Okay, okay, okay.
That's the kind of woman
you could slap around
in bed a little.
- Okay, Mom, please stop.
- I punched your father
in the face!
- Eww, eww! Mom!
- And then I got down on him
and just went to town!
- Mom!
- Si, and...
- ( speaking Spanish )
- ( screaming, sobbing )
Okay. What the fuck.
Oh, that was too many knocks.
Too many knocks. Okay.
- You're not even
gonna say I look nice?
- You don't look nice.
You look like
an incredibly mean person
because you are one.
You have the mustache
of a child molester
and the haircut
of a molested child.
Relax, relax.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Is that your minivan?
It's Jim's.
Great for families.
Fuck my life.
You ever wonder
what life is like
for the cool kids?
Well, tonight I find out.
( music playing )
You okay?
Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay.
- Wanna get a drink?
- Oh, yeah.
- Totally.
- Let's do it.
( cheering )
Cheers.
Let's just go for it. Okay.
- Nice-- oh, you--
- Oh, my God.
- Is this one bad?
- Sid, come hit this!
Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!
Chug, chug, chug, chug!
( cheering )
This is literally
the coolest fucking party
that I have ever been to
in my entire life.
Why doesn't anybody want
to go ride a horse with me?
You wanna do one?
Guys, let's go--
Dude, give them their moment.
Stop hopping on the...
- For a moment...
- ( tires screeching )
...this party
felt like heaven.
Luna: Oh, like you haven't
thought about it.
Yo. Why aren't you
responding to my texts?
'Cause I don't want
to talk to you.
- Okay, let's go for a walk.
- No.
We're gonna go for a walk,
'cause we clearly have things--
- ( murmuring )
- What the fuck?
- Uh, uh, Chuck. Yo, dawg.
- I need you to shut up.
Sid: Who gets out of anger
management a week early?
- Fuck you, Switzerland.
- Dude, don't.
- Don't do this.
- David, Candace, I--
I really appreciate it,
but I'm fine.
Well, now I see
why you wanted
to get me suspended,
you little piece of shit.
Give me one good reason
why I shouldn't
kill you right now.
- Uh...
- This is it.
Barring divine intervention,
I am... dead?
- ( crowd yells )
- Oh!
- Not again. Oh!
- It may not have been
a burning bush,
but if an exploding car
at the time of your
imminent demise
isn't evidence
of a higher power,
then I don't know what is.
Halle-fucking-lujah!
Let's get the hell out of here.
- Yeah.
- I think God just did that.
That was fucking dope!
- ( crowd murmuring )
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, I'm shaking.
- It just--
That happened, right?
You saw that too?
I feel like we're in
a rap video or something.
- What happened?
- I don't know.
( retching )
Oh, shit. I'm sorry.
That just came out.
I don't even know
what noise that was.
It sounded like
you put a pig in a blender.
Um, I'm so confused.
Have you not been texting me
this whole time?
No, I told you,
I don't have your number.
Look, the truth is, Sid,
I've been trying
really hard to like you.
I mean, like that.
That's cool, because
I want to like you, too.
And I do like you,
so I'm like a success story
you can really look up to.
You know, I've just--
I've felt so trapped dating
Chuck the past few years.
He and I, we have this cycle.
It's, like,
we fight, we break up,
we get back together.
He gets into some
kind of insane trouble
and I swear that
I'm gonna never date him again.
And then I just end up
back with him again.
( music playing )
I guess I just thought
that maybe if I liked you
then I wouldn't go back
to him, you know?
I wouldn't make
the same mistake.
But...
But I just-- I don't feel
that way about you, Sid.
I'm sorry.
Friends?
She didn't even
jerk you off?
Bummer.
( music playing )
Screw, Chuck.
He can't touch me.
- What's up, Sid?
- Yo.
When he left,
I was invisible.
Now I'm invincible.
I'm like a hero,
and people protect heroes.
Heroes never die, right?
( phone chimes )
Uh, hey.
Hey, can I talk to you guys?
I think-- I think that--
I think that you should log off.
Get the fuck outta here.
Okay, I get it. I do.
I love being in here,
but I think you're--
I just--
I think you're missing out.
Trust me. I'm you.
We're to living our lives
to our full potential.
Out there,
the quests don't wait for you
like they do in here.
There's a lot more out there
than orcs and night elves
and you shouldn't be spending
your whole lives hiding.
Yeah, all right. Okay.
( phone chimes )
Whoa, whoa. Sorry. Hey!
Hey, hey!
Hey! Hey!
- What?
- You're, uh...
Katie.
You've been texting me
this whole time.
- I'm sorry, okay? I got--
- No.
No, don't say you're sorry.
Just...
...hi.
- Hi.
- How do you even
know who I am?
I think everyone knows
who you are at this point.
You've been weird.
Good weird, though.
And you--
you wanted to help me?
Yeah.
Suck a dick, Chuck.
Why do we all have
to pretend that we don't want
to fuck each other...
Jim: Hugh Hefner would be
so proud of you right now.
Sandagger!
She will never forget me
Do you wanna go on
a date with me?
- Really?
- Yeah.
I'm going to
something after school
if you wanna come.
Yeah.
- I'll text you, I guess.
- Yeah, please.
( organ playing )
You know that
I have two moms, right?
And they're both
going to hell.
Oh.
Okay.
I just like bits and pieces.
- Of the Bible?
- Yeah, of all religions.
Plus, churches are
really pretty, and quiet,
and they make boys like you
super uncomfortable.
Sometimes it's just nice
to be somewhere, you know?
Amen.
Amen.
( music playing )
Jim: Ten seconds left!
He's going! Yeah!
Sandagger!
( cheering )
I spent a lifetime
killing me
( indistinct chatter )
I found an old soul
who disagreed
Hey, can I ask you something?
Yeah.
Did you set Chuck Brawnte's
car on fire?
- No.
- I had this awful--
I only wanna be with you
Cool. I can do better.
I wasn't expecting that.
So, I can--
Katie:
"Let go of the past,
let go of the future,
in the present, let go.
Gone to the other shore
of becoming,
mind released entirely,
you will never again
undergo birth and old age."
- Wow. That's beautiful.
- Isn't it?
- Depressing.
- No.
We're still young
We should still believe
We passed out
on a city street
We laughed until
we couldn't breathe
I spent a lifetime
killing me
My mom is eighth grade math,
and my dad is a librarian,
but he likes to be called
a media specialist.
- I wanna kiss you again.
- I ain't got nothing
Left to lose
I only wanna be with you
Watch your head
because there's, like,
a lot of books.
- ( barks )
- Like this, Joey.
All right,
if you don't poop there,
I'm just gonna tell Mom
that you pooped.
- Oh, my God.
- ( bass thumping )
Jimbo, what's up, brother?
Hey, dawg.
You wanna come chill with us?
We're gonna shoot a session.
You need someone to, like,
hold the camera or something?
No, bro, we need to get you
in a goddamn video.
- You're hilarious.
- Uh, all right. Yeah.
Chuck: Jim, Jim!
Jim, Jim, Jim!
- All right.
- Fuck yeah, baby!
- This fucking kid.
- Your dog smells.
( music playing )
I hope you do die,
you fucking drug addict.
Hey, guys.
I could press charges,
you know?
For what you did to my face?
My mom had to put chapstick
on my eyelids.
Okay, what the fuck is going on?
I feel like
I'm in a fricking, like,
spaceship right now, right?
You are in a spaceship.
Yeah, I am!
I'm in a fucking
spaceship, dawg!
- And your boy, Sid?
- Yeah?
Dude, I've been hearing
so many stories.
Actually, I have
mad respect for the guy.
Dude, he's been going crazy.
He spiked that theater kid's
makeup with Icy Hot
just so he could go onstage.
And he got Megan Waters
crazy high for her debate.
- Megan fucking waters?
- Yeah, yeah.
Chuck: He's just trying
to live it up before I X him?
And, dude,
he's determined
to get laid, too.
He tried sticking it
to Tiff Mann.
- But don't worry.
She said no.
- Yeah?
Jim: Now he's trying
to hit on this gamer chick.
He even went to church with her
just so that
he could get in her pants
all before
you fucking kill him.
Sid, that is cold, brother.
You're not gonna, like,
hurt him or anything?
'Cause, like, I'm--
like, I'm down with him.
No, for sure.
I'm not gonna hurt him.
- Um...
- Dope.
Chuck: 'Cause I'm gonna
fucking end him.
I'm gonna beat him so badly
that he's never able to feel
a fucking thing ever again.
- Say, "Hi, Sid."
- Wait, what?
- Hey!
- Slow down!
Fuck off, noob.
( music playing )
What was everyone
so upset about?
Yeah, they were
part of a list. So what?
I still did all the things
they thought were great.
But after the video,
everything went to shit.
I was kicked off the ice,
and the rest of the guys
refused to play with me.
Megan was put on
disciplinary probation
for doing drugs,
and then kicked off
student council.
Candace re-pledged
her eternal abstinence
and dumped Dave.
Dr. Capanna:
Oh, yeah, sure...
Oh, and guess who decided
to be sick today?
- Hey, man.
- Dude, seriously? Go away.
- Sid, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Go, dude.
- I made a mistake.
- Don't fucking touch me.
- Leave, man.
- I made a mistake.
Just hear me out.
Just let me talk
for a little bit.
Do you have any idea
what the fuck you've done?
- Sid, I do know what I did.
- You have literally
ruined everything.
All you ever wanted was for
someone popular to like you,
and they never will.
Luna, was right, Jim.
You are an insecure
attention whore
who would literally sell out
the only real friend
that you have ever had
for the chance at someone
with more fucking followers.
Sid. Sid, I'm sorry, dude.
Sid, come on! Sid!
Jim is an idiot.
Stupid.
I wasn't just trying
to get with you.
I promise.
God.
( phone chimes )
I know.
Aah! God!
This is why I have rules.
This is why I said to shut up
and to stay under the radar
and to not mess
with the system.
Because when you speak up,
when you care,
and when you stop
being afraid,
people will hurt you.
They will find
that thing inside of you
that you try so hard
to guard and protect,
and they will poke at it
and jab at it
until you want to just crawl
into a little ball and cry,
and then you might
as well be dead.
( doorbell rings )
( ringing continues )
Why haven't you been
answering Jim's DMs?
I don't really feel like
talking to him right now.
What he did was stupid.
But what do you expect?
It's Jim.
He has
the emotional intelligence
of a premature baby
and the actual intelligence
of one of those baboons
with the red asses.
Those are just baboons.
And they use tools,
they're brilliant animals.
Well, Jim isn't.
But he's also your best friend.
You're coming to
Homecoming tonight, right?
No. I don't have a date.
I don't have a ride.
I got you a tie
and boutonnire
when Jim got his.
Fair warning,
he did that dumb thing
where he got the pimp cane
and the top hat.
Ugh.
As far as a date goes,
fuck it.
Just show up,
or you'll regret it.
Chuck will kill me.
- I blew up Chuck's car.
- What?
Yeah.
( music playing )
Grain alcohol
is surprisingly flammable.
Luna, that's insane.
And a felony.
- Maybe.
- It is.
- But do you know why I did it?
- Because you're fucking nuts?
Because for a moment,
you gave everyone hope.
Look at all those people
whose lives you affected
just by being
an arrogant little shit
by refused to play
by the rules and be quiet.
Now everybody just thinks
I was using them for
some stupid bucket list.
But stay home
and hide from Chuck?
You'll be showing them
that they're right.
Well, I gotta get back
before lunch is over.
For you.
Later, fuckwad.
- I think we have to start over.
- You know how to tie a tie?
Can you get a YouTube video
just in case?
Oh, did you know that this
is called an oriental knot?
- It goes around
the tree trunk.
- Yeah.
- Did it.
- Photo time.
( music playing )
Oh, man, this is my song!
( music continues )
- Get up.
- ( whispering )
- Get up.
- Nice cane.
- Thanks.
- Look, man, I'm sorry
about some of that stuff
that I said.
Yeah, you said
some pretty rough stuff.
I do think you care
a little bit too much
about being popular,
but I get it.
I know how good it felt
when I finally started
to get some attention,
so I don't blame you.
Boner brothers?
I thought that was you
and Dave Guggenheim's thing.
Come on, Jimenez.
You'll always be
my boner brother.
I'm gonna go spike the punch.
Give him some time.
Jim doesn't think very fast.
You look nice.
Thanks.
You look beautiful.
I know.
- Um, will you give me a second?
- Yeah.
Hey. Um, just--
- Hey, please.
- Sid, I don't wanna have
this conversation.
This isn't that.
It's not that conversation.
This isn't me saying
that I made a mistake,
or that there was
some big misunderstanding,
or even telling you that
you're the love of my life
or the only one for me
or anything.
This isn't even me
trying to win you back.
- Okay, then what is it?
- It's goodbye.
I just-- I wanted
to say that I've had
a lot of bad days
and a few good ones.
But the ones that
I spent with you, Katie,
were the best ones.
And I'm so thankful to you
for that.
- ( all cheering )
- ( music playing )
( music continues )
- ( music stops )
- ( crowd murmuring )
You ready?
I am.
As I walk through the valley
of the shadow of high school,
I take with me my memories,
I leave behind my regrets.
I have loved, lost,
risen, fallen,
and now I face the beyond.
May my beatdown inspire those
who still live in fear.
I am Sid Sandagger,
and I am no longer afraid!
And I have lived!
( flatlining )
Oh, shit. Oh, fuck.
- How does this shit
fucking work?
- ( beeping resumes )
That's definitely
not how it works.
Hey, buddy. How you feel?
I'm alive?
Yeah, you're alive.
I mean,
you look like a Picasso,
but you're alive.
- Oh, my God.
- What?
What happened to your face?
Oh, um, I think Luna
might've tagged me by accident.
She is so strong.
I think it's the low
center of gravity
- and the rage issues.
- So what happened?
You went unconscious
pretty quickly,
and then shit went down.
( crowd gasps )
- ( grunting )
- Coach: Break it up!
Dad, listen to me!
I'm a dancer!
What do you mean
you're a dancer?
Yeah!
You know what else?
( crowd gasps )
I wanna dance!
Somebody dance with me!
Now I know why pimps
carry canes!
( grunts )
( panting )
- Oh, fuck.
- You stupid bitch.
- No, I thought we were bros!
- Motherfucker!
I'll kill you, you hear me?
I'll fucking kill you, bitch!
I hope you choke to death!
I'll protect you.
Protect yourself, bitch.
- Make your melon.
- Yes.
- You fought Chuck for me?
- Yeah, of course, dude.
You're my best friend.
I'm never gonna let
some piece of shit
beat the shit out of you.
- Can you walk?
- Oh, fuck.
Dude, I haven't even tri-- oh.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, no, I think so.
Fuck!
( moaning )
Well, anyway,
there's some people
who might wanna see you.
Yeah, I'm good.
- Hey.
- ( music playing )
( crowd chattering )
Yeah, you're definitely
gonna need stitches.
- Ow. Oh, fuck.
- Sid! Hey.
Today I took
my first breath
Sid, way to take
that punch, man.
- Oh!
- ( chatter continues )
I'm standing
on this broken road
I'll find my way back home
to you and me
Hey
Hey
Hey
So we're agreed
on ground rules?
One night only,
and then we never
breathe a word of this
- to anyone ever again.
- Deal.
Like it never happened.
- Wanna know something?
- What?
- I blew up Chuck's car.
- God, you're fucking crazy.
Today is the day
( vocalizing )
Hey.
Hey.
How was your day?
Eventful.
Can we just start over?
Yeah.
I'm Sid.
I know.
Do you wanna dance?
Yeah.
( vocalizing )
- Oh!
- What?
What, what?
What, what, what?
- What, what? What?
- You bit me!
Why is your tongue so long?
Are you trying to get
my throat pregnant?
Oh, my God. Why did I think
this would be a good idea?
- You kiss like a succubus.
- I hate you so much.
What, what?
Will you stick a finger
in my butt?
- You are so beautiful.
- Hey
Today is the day
Today is our day
Shit, I have a boner.
Me too.
( vocalizing )
Today is the day
Today is our day
For your and me
( chatter continues )
For you and me
For you and me
For you and me
( music playing )
( vocalizing )
All the roads
I've had to choose
And they all led
back to you
My eyes are open wide out
But you put the light out
You're running me around
Don't start
running me around
Don't start
running me around
Don't start
running me around
Don't start
running me around
I never know
how many roads
I'll have to choose
It's not a bed of roses
You never notice
You never knew
I hope you don't hit your
back side when you roll out
And you never
used to roll the dice
till you slowed down
Now I hope
you hit your back side,
hit your back side
When you roll out
You're running me around
Don't start
running me around
Don't start
running me around
Don't start
running me around
Don't start
running me around
Who you calling
in the middle of the night?
I know you miss it
and you wish it was right
I know you wish you knew
what you know now
But I can't take you when
you're running me around
All the roads
I've had to choose
And they all led
back to you
My eyes are open wide out
But you put the light out
I hope you know
you're gonna hit
Your back side
when you roll out
I know I used to
roll the dice
Till I slowed down
I hope you
hit your back side,
Hit your back side
when you roll out
You're running me around
Don't start
running me around
Don't start
running me around
Don't start
running me around
Don't start
running me around
Don't start, don't start
Don't start
running me around
Don't start
running me around
( music playing )
( music continues )
The cycle never
really ends
You and me were left out
I'm stuck inside
the glass again
Tell me everything
about it
Now I can't explain
Everything inside
your brain
Is turning inside out
And upside down
I think I'm just
your bad habit
I think I'm just
your bad habit
I think I'm just
your bad habit
I think I'm just your--
just your
Hurting from
a tough crowd
Cool classic
playing on the brain
We're craving
all the old times
Just to bring back
all the pain
Tell me everything
about it
Now I can't explain
Everything inside
your brain
Is turning inside out
And upside down
I think I'm just
your bad habit
I think I'm just
your bad habit
I think I'm just
your bad habit
I think I'm just your--
just your habit
Makes me wanna scream
Feeling like I'm 17
Pick a fight
and make a scene
Think I'm just
your bad habit
I think I'm just
your bad habit
I think I'm just
your bad habit
I think I'm just
your bad habit
I think I'm just your--
just your
( music playing )
( barks )
( beeping )
( beeping continues )
Sid: This is a story
of life and death.
Specifically, one life
and one death.
( beeping intensifies,
flatlining )
More specifically, mine.
My name is Sid Sandagger,
and I have figured out
the key
to a long and happy life.
It's quite simple.
Don't mess with the system.
Think about it.
Every awful thing
that happens to someone
in their life,
it can be chalked up
to them ripping at the fabric
of the social continuum.
So don't.
There's a natural order
to things in life,
and it is not
to be reckoned with.
And nowhere
is that more important
than the one environment
more strict,
more brutal, and more savage
than all of the rest--
high school.
Luckily, I've developed
three simple rules
to ensure survival.
Rule number one?
Shut up.
Most people
don't get beaten up
for what they don't say.
Rule number two,
don't stand out.
This applies to everything,
from what you wear,
to who your friends are,
to what extra-curriculars
you're a part of.
I have mastered
the art of the nondescript
extra-curricular.
For example, I'm comptroller
for the Eastland High
student council,
understudy
for the school play...
You make me alive
...equipment manager
for the hockey team...
Hey, yo. Incoming!
...and starter for
the Eastland e-sports team.
E-sports, need I say more?
Midnight tonight, boys.
You excited, Cunningham?
I hacked into
my parents' internet account
to upgrade our speed.
- Sweet.
- Also, I think my parents
are getting divorced.
And finally, the third
and most important rule.
Don't fuck with Chuck.
Chuck Brawnte,
him and his stupid friends
have a few thousand
subscribers to their
YouTube channel,
which, believe it or not,
people actually
give a shit about.
- Whoo! Fuck you, window!
- ( siren chirps )
But the real reason everybody
knows who Chuck Brawnte is...
- Are you boys okay over here?
- Pussy bitch!
...is because
he is super violent.
- Come on. Let's go,
let's go, let's go.
- Here's the big one.
Chuck got kicked out
of his old school
for beating a freshmen
nearly to death.
The kid is still in a coma.
Now I'm not a lawyer,
but allow me to present
these three facts.
One, Chuck got off
with a few hours
of community service.
Two, Chuck's dad
is super rich
because he owns
all the Mercedes dealerships
in upstate New York.
And three, the judge
hearing Chuck's case
now drives a top of the line
Mercedes Benz.
- ( horn honks )
- Get the picture?
( sighs )
Fuh...
Well, there you have it,
Sid Sandagger's
Guide to Life.
( music playing )
But I could care less
What's on your mind
You say something nice
You say something right
And people start
losing their mind
Thursdays on my mind
We were driving
through red lights
We were flying
But I could care less
what's on your mind
- I'm putting Todd
at your parents' table.
- Oh, he gives my dad anxiety.
And your dad's a Republican,
and you're marrying a woman,
- so already kinda anxious.
- Fair point.
- Hey!
- Hey.
- How was school?
- ( grunts )
To me that said,
"Fuck off, Moms,
but I love you."
- No.
- If he was half-Korean,
this would not be happening.
Sid: School was great.
I woke up, I went to class,
and then I came home.
It was perfectly predictable,
which is
perfectly acceptable.
As long as
I stick to my rules,
much like
my internet search history,
high school will be a filthy,
nasty, amoral blip
on my radar
that someday will
never have even happened.
- ( beeping )
- Life is about
embracing routine.
- Oh.
- Eat, sleep, play.
It's gonna be a good night.
That is, of course,
except when a new edition
of War Monger comes out.
It's a sacred night.
And on this night,
you don't eat,
you don't sleep,
and you sit at your altar
for hours on end
just praying to stay alive.
( alarm beeping )
It's pure heaven.
( bell rings )
Then the semen travels
through the vas deferens,
out the urethra,
and hopefully into the vagina
of someone you're
not just using for sex
and that you're willing
to stick around
and raise the baby with.
Or into an anus.
Any questions?
Oh, my God, dude.
Sex Ed is such bullshit.
Like, I don't understand
why we spend
so much time on condoms.
What is there to know?
You open the shit up,
you stick your junk in it,
and you go to town on somebody.
Sid:
My best friend Jim Vega.
Jim cares about two things,
getting laid
and being popular,
and so far
he's achieved neither.
Do they seriously
think dudes are, like,
sticking their balls
in it or something?
You'd be surprised.
What do you want
them to teach?
- Like, I don't know.
- Heads up!
Why don't they teach us
how to fuck awesome?
'Cause it's Sex Ed.
It's not sex class.
Yeah, but what's the difference?
And unlike trigonometry,
this would be, like, practical,
applicable knowledge.
Just talk to
the school board
about it, man.
- Wait, you-- you think so?
- Yeah, why not?
You go to the school board
and you say,
"Ladies and gentlemen,
I would like my teachers
- to teach me
how to fuck awesome."
- I'm serious.
Like, how do you
find the clitoris during
over the pants sex stuff?
Can you not say fucking
"clitoris" in the hallway?
You see, this is exactly
what I'm talking about.
Everyone is so horny that
yelling "clit" in the hall
is like yelling fire
in a theater.
Yeah, and you don't yell fire
in a fucking theater.
Regardless,
the clitoris is at the top
of the labia minora.
That sophomore
with the cleft lip?
No, that's Lydia Mindlin.
Yo, Rafi! What's up, man?
- How you doing?
How was that test?
- Who are you?
All right.
Rafi's the best.
- You really shouldn't do that.
- Why? Rafi's my homie.
Rafi's not your fucking homie.
He just tolerates you
because you let him
cheat off you once.
You're just jealous
'cause I'm popular.
- You're not fucking popular,
- Okay.
- And that's a blessing.
- Oh, come on.
Don't start with your whole
"don't mess with the system"
bullshit.
- You're just afraid
to live a little.
- I live.
What do you call
an all-nighter
playing World Of--
Whoa-ly shit. Tiff Mann.
( laughs )
I don't think I've talked
to Tiff Mann since our
figure skating recital
when I was eight years old.
( crowd groans )
I've been in love with her
the entire time since,
but it's clear
that she didn't exactly
see me as boyfriend material.
I've told you,
no sleepovers at boys' houses.
But, Mom, it's just Sid's.
Come to think of it,
neither did her mom.
Oh, that's fine.
Even more fucked up
than that,
Tiff Mann is dating Chuck.
- Yo.
- ( laughs )
Chuck: Wanna go to
the parking lot right now?
- How was class?
- Sucks.
Mr. Ramirez can literally
lick my butthole.
Suck a dick, Chuck.
- ( whistle blows )
- All right, class, let's go!
- Two laps around the field!
- Oh, my God.
Dude, do you think
Juliana Ulrich would be down
for a finger in the butt?
Teacher:
Good speed! Keep it up!
I really don't think
girls are as into that
as you think they are.
Are you kidding me?
It's a second G-spot.
And I'm usually pretty good
at telling who would be down.
I'm like the Finger
In The Butt Whisperer.
You know who probably sticks
a bunch of fingers in butts?
- Teacher: Two more laps!
- Chuck. Chuck is the man.
Did you see his latest video?
He totally wrecked
Su-Ming Lee's car
with a pogo stick.
- Chuck's a fucking monster.
- Jim, Jim! Hey.
You haven't told me
what color tie you're
wearing to homecoming.
That's 'cause
I'm not going with you, Luna.
Sid:
Meet Luna Peralta.
Luna and Jim have
known each other since
they were in diapers,
and have hated each other
just as long.
Luna does not hold back.
You think I wanna go with you?
Here's a list
of inanimate objects
I would rather take to
Homecoming than you, okay?
Bleach, a bottle of urine,
and rusty nails literally
stuck in my hands.
- Glad we're on the same page.
- My crazy parents only
want me to go with you
'cause they know I'm not
gonna come back pregnant.
Great. Not happening.
Leave me alone. I have herpes.
You wish you had herpes.
That would have to mean
someone touched
- your skinny
little micro-penis.
- It's not skinny.
If anything, girth is my asset
and length is my weakness.
- Okay.
- So fuck off.
Buddy, nothing is your asset,
and being a fuckwad
is your weakness.
Later, shrimp dick.
- She is so mean.
- I know.
- Teacher: Sandagger, Vega!
- I love it.
( music playing )
( indistinct chatter )
- Oh, come on, babe.
- Hey! Hold it.
- What's up?
- Oh.
- Oh. You look awful.
- I'm just tired.
- We got an email.
A parent-y email.
- Yes.
Uh, "Please ensure
proper Homecoming attire,"
blah blah blah.
Were you planning on
wearing a very short skirt
to this dance?
Why is this the first time
we're hearing about
this Homecoming?
- 'Cause I'm not going.
- Why not?
Homecoming is a very big deal.
You get all dressed up,
and you wait for some schnook
to pick you up,
and you dance at arm's length,
and then you have
a fleeting sexual encounter.
- And then you realize
that you're a lesbian.
- Yes.
Have you thought
about that, Sid?
You might be a lesbian
and not even know it.
- You do like Brandy Carlile.
- And going to Maine.
- Mm, the signs are all there.
- Come on.
- Why aren't you going?
- ( grunts )
That was a pretty
compelling argument.
Come on.
Think about it.
You don't want to
graduate high school
without any memories.
Actually, I have no problem
leaving high school
without any memories.
I can't imagine
any experience good enough
to risk the possibility
of a bad one.
It's like why I don't have
my driver's license.
And what's so bad about this?
A 72-hour War Monger marathon
is pretty awesome and safe.
( burps )
Game on, baby.
Okay, well, maybe 72 hours
isn't entirely safe.
According to Google,
there are seven specific
signs of sleep deprivation
that all lead
to complete madness.
Heads up, Tiny Tim.
Ow. Stupid hemorrhoid.
Look alive, fuckface.
Oh, God. Dude, slow down.
What happened to
no carbs till college?
Symptom number one,
you eat a lot.
- I'm fricking starving.
- Oh, pop quiz.
Okay, so you're
driving home from a party
and you can't drive.
What do you take?
Uber or Lyft?
Symptom number two,
you're indecisive.
- I don't know.
- Lyft, 'cause their drivers
are super hot.
Plus, Uber is for fascists.
Symptom number three,
you forget things.
- What are we talking about?
- I'm open, I'm open!
Symptom number four?
Delayed motor skills.
- Come on, come on.
- Go, go, go, go, go!
Symptom number five,
your pain receptors are...
- Heads up!
- ...diminished.
- ( whistle blows )
- Sorry!
Symptom number six,
your senses get all weird.
- ( distorted chatter )
- And the final symptom
of sleep deprivation
leading to complete madness,
you lose your filter.
Suck a dick, Chuck.
What did you just say?
- Come on.
- What the fuck did you
just say to me?
Um, I said, uh,
I said suck--
suck her lick, Chuck.
I want you guys
to enjoy kissing each other,
'cause, you know, like,
we're not gonna be
young forever.
Uh, I didn't say
that second part,
but I thought it.
Uh, what I said, uh...
- I said, "Suck a dick."
- ( crowd groaning )
Suck a dick,
you pogo stick-riding douchebag.
You think everyone's
afraid of you? Why?
Because you look like
one of those punching bags
shaped like a torso?
( bones crack )
Jimenez, my good man.
I'm not his man.
I don't even know
who the hell he is.
- We ride.
- You remember three rules
to getting through
high school alive?
Shut up, don't stand out,
don't fuck with Chuck?
Well, this is what happens
when you break all three
of those rules
in the exact same moment.
- ( grunts )
- ( bell ringing )
Motherfucker.
Tell me another joke.
Tell me another fucking joke.
Huh? Was it worth it?
- I really fucking hope
it was worth it.
- Break it up!
- I'm gonna kill you, kid.
I'm gonna fucking kill you.
- Ow!
- Oh! Oh, oh!
- I am going to end your
goddamn miserable life.
- Come here, kid. Come here.
- The next time I see you,
you are fucking dead.
- Get the fuck off me!
- Are you okay?
Chuck:
...fuck off me. God damn it!
( toilet flushing )
This is fucking fantastic.
I've never seen
something like this.
I mean, terrible--
oh, dude, you're up.
This is a fascinating
porn collection.
How long have I been out?
Dude, you've been out for,
like, seven hours. Here.
The nurse said
that you were gonna sleep
for a really long time.
- What about Chuck?
- So Luna texted me.
I don't even know how
she got through to me
because I blocked her number,
but she said that Chuck
is only gonna be suspended
for 2 1/2 weeks.
- That's it?
- Plus anger management
counseling.
I have two weeks to live.
2 1/2 weeks actually.
So, what? Today's--
Today's Wednesday,
so he's suspended
until the 25th.
Aw, damn it.
That's the day of
the Homecoming dance.
It's not like you need
another reason not to go.
You all right? Sid?
Dude, what are
you thinking about?
- Sid: Death.
- I'm gonna kill you.
I broke my rules,
I fucked with the system,
and this is what I deserve.
Chuck is gonna kill me,
and who's gonna stop him?
Not the police,
not the school,
not the courts.
- No one ever has.
- ( knocking on door )
Sid, you still awake?
Jim told me you two
called out sick from work.
You feeling okay?
Hmm.
Oh, I get it. Boundaries.
( bell ringing )
( indistinct chatter )
Sid: This can't be it.
This can't be how it ends.
I've gotta find out
where Chuck is
and explain what happened.
He'll understand.
Well, obviously this would
work a little bit better
if I had a banana
that wasn't quite so ripe.
But I can't find
the demo banana,
so I just took this
out of my lunch.
Dude, did you hear?
Chuck's parents sent him
to some anger management class
during his suspension
in, like, Switzerland?
It turns out the Swiss
are masters
of not giving a fuck.
It sounds dope, and rich,
and you can ski there.
- Maybe he'll forgive you.
- And inside the condom...
Mm, no, you're probably right.
- He's probably gonna
murder you. Sorry, dawg.
- All right, question.
What is the only 100% effective
method of contraception?
- Butt stuff.
- No, that's not it.
- Double condoms.
- No.
- Dry humping.
- Abstinence.
It's written--
it's literally on
the board behind me.
Now, Candace is your
student abstinence leader,
so she's agreed
to share her experience
or, well, lack thereof.
So, as you guys know,
I have taken
the abstinence pledge.
I'm in Sex Ed,
and I'm gonna die a virgin.
What are they gonna write
on my tombstone?
"Here lies Sid Sandagger.
He shrugged."
What's wrong with me?
Was this really my life?
I can't die like this.
Is this why my moms
want me to make memories?
In case some psycho
with a YouTube channel
pounds me to death
on the dance floor
at Homecoming
to a Taylor Swift ballad?
I'm sick of it!
And this abstinence queen
going on
and on and on and on
- and on and--
- Fuck that.
Sid?
- I'm sorry.
- Candace, please continue.
I'm sorry that
I've wasted so much time
in this dumb class.
Excuse me. Sid Sandagger!
Candace, I'm sorry for
interrupting you, but come on.
Be honest with yourself.
Aren't you tired of lying?
Have you ever dealt
with unhealthy, unclean urges
or impure thoughts?
- At this very moment.
- ( snickering )
Do you know what I think about
on a daily basis?
It would traumatize you.
And then I search it
on the internet,
and it exists
and there's porn for it.
That means I'm not alone.
You're probably horny
all the time, too!
- Actually--
- It's okay, Candace!
You can admit to flicking it
every now and again.
- No one's gonna crucify you.
- Dude, I don't know
what you're doing,
- but please keep going.
- I'm horny.
You are horny!
Everyone in this room is horny!
Like, what's the big deal?
It takes a slight breeze,
and I am hard as a rock!
All right, Sandagger,
lock it up.
Come on, Dr. Capanna.
This is Sex Ed,
for crying out loud.
How can you just stand there
and let this girl
make us all feel badly
for having completely normal
sexual appetites?
- How do you sleep at night?
- Yeah, I don't.
I have really bad apnea.
- It's not because of this.
- Why?
Why do we all have to pretend
that we don't
want to fuck each other
six ways to the weekend?
We should embrace it!
For crying out loud,
I can see Dave Guggenheim's
boner from here.
And you know what?
I love your boner, Dave.
- Because Dave's boner
is in all of us.
- Yeah.
- We are all Dave's boner!
- Yeah.
And I'm not gonna sit here
and let you make everyone
in this room feel bad
- for having completely normal
sexual appetites.
- Yeah!
My name is Sidney Sandagger,
and I once put a Sharpie
inside of my own butthole.
- I humped a melon.
- Okay, Guggenheim!
I cut a hole in it,
and I microwaved it,
and then I humped it.
Hell yeah, man.
That is disgusting.
Okay, don't encourage him.
That's a UTI waiting to happen.
I get off to porn
of guys doing it
with other guys.
- Sit down!
- I use my electric toothbrush
as a vibrator.
My boyfriend and I
are into macrophilia.
I have a reoccurring sex dream
about Elizabeth Warren.
I have vertical balls!
- Oh.
- ( murmuring )
Like,
instead of a left one
and a right one,
I have an upstairs
and a downstairs.
It's like two-thirds
a snowman.
It goes pickle, potato,
potato, cinnamon doughnut.
- That is so hot.
- ( bell ringing )
Okay, all right, all right.
Warner, Sandagger,
Guggenheim, okay.
Oh, God damn it.
- No one's taking home condoms.
- Sid, Sid.
( overlapping chatter )
Sid, dude!
Dude, what the hell was that?
- I don't know.
- Dude, that was brilliant!
- Come on! Say something!
- I don't know, man.
Dude, that was
fucking incredible!
Like, fuck every
other revolutionary
that's come before you.
- Like, you are the Messiah.
You are Jesus returning.
- ( phone chimes )
Candace should've
fucking recognized that.
Like, you are
the king-fucking-penis.
Your schlong definitely
grew three inches from that.
Whatever it is that
made it click for you,
- that's what we gotta
tell everyone about.
- What?
Oh, my God. Sid, we're gonna
get so much pussy from this.
I was so inspired.
I feel liberated!
- Like, this is how...
- ( music playing )
( indistinct chatter )
- Sid: Who is this?
- Jim: Hugh Hefner would be
so proud of you,
may his soul rest
in fucking peace.
Like, he would be so happy.
I'm going home
and I'm trying that...
- ( music continues )
- ( phone chimes )
- ...like vagina juice.
- Sid: What's next?
- That's fucking brilliant!
- How the hell should I know?
It's so DIY, and, like...
- I've never really
thought about it before.
- ( doorbell rings )
I mean, I don't think
I want to deliver pizzas
with Jim
for the rest of my life,
but I'm a senior
in high school.
I don't even know
what I wanna wear tomorrow.
What if I die, Jim?
What if I die?
What are you talk--
Chuck isn't gonna kill you.
Dude, he beat a kid
nearly to death,
and he's been beating
people ever since.
It's not like he's
getting any worse at it.
Oh, God. Two weeks.
What if this is it?
Oh, that is just so sad.
Look, Chuck isn't
gonna kill you, dawg.
- I'll protect you.
- Yeah, sure, you will.
Unless he offers
to let you be in one
of his fucking videos.
You think he'd ever
let me be in one?
- Fuck you, man.
- I'm kidding.
But, like, let's say
for a second that Chuck
might actually kill you,
which I'll admit
is a possibility because
he does have a record.
So in this hypothetical world,
then you got two weeks
left to live.
What do you wanna do?
That.
Skip rocks?
No, live.
I wanna fucking live.
What do you mean?
Sidney, where has
that Sharpie been?
( music playing )
Sid, what are you doing?
"Win at some--"
What does that even mean?
I don't know.
I have no idea.
But I'm not gonna,
like, you know,
get a promotion
or start a company
or have a fling
with some foreign girl
on a train in Europe.
- ( sighs )
- Everything that
you do in life,
everything that makes life good,
I have to do it right now.
I don't want just some memories.
I want all the memories.
"Know real love."
Are you gonna die a virgin?
( sighs )
Yeah! That's my boy!
Let's go!
Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
- ( music continues )
- ( indistinct chatter )
Don't start
running me around
Don't start
running me around
Dude, that sounds insane.
Don't start
running me around
So you're gonna do
all of this in two weeks?
Yeah. What have I got to lose?
( indistinct chatter )
- ( sighs )
- Hey! You want some dinner?
Stay impenetrably silent
if you love your mothers.
- Both: Yes!
- You're gonna hit
Your back side
when your roll out
I know I used
to roll the dice
Till I slowed down
I hope you
hit your back side
- Hit your backside
- ( grunts )
When you roll out
Don't start, don't start
Don't start
running me around
- What's up, dude?
- Hey.
Girl: Hey, Sid.
Don't start
running me around
Dude! Sid, dude,
everyone is talking about
your "I'm Boner Spartacus" bit
in Sex Ed yesterday.
- Like, in a good way?
- Yes, like, in a fucking ama--
- Jim! Jim.
- Oh, my God.
Luna, what the fuck
do you want?
I don't remember saying
Beetlejuice three times.
Ha, ha, ha.
You're so funny, Jim.
We need to buy tickets
for Homecoming,
- and you have to pay
for them, so...
- ( phone chimes )
Well, make sure you tell that
to the Japanese sex robot
that you get to take you
to the dance,
'cause I'm not going
with you, Luna.
Dude, dude, dude, dude.
Incoming heatseekers inbound.
- What?
- Hey.
Holy shit.
Oh, please, God,
let Tiff Mann be
my secret texter.
Uh, hey. Hey.
- I'm Tiff.
- Oh, I know.
Um, listen, I just wanted
to say I'm really sorry
about what Chuck did to you.
Oh, no, that's--
that's, uh-- he's--
- that's okay.
- No, it's not okay.
His parents say that
he has impulsivity issues,
but I think he can
just be a dick sometimes.
Yeah, yeah.
Also are you going to
go the game tonight?
He'll be there,
and so will I.
Now is probably a good time
to talk about hockey.
Let me see you get it in net.
Hockey is a pretty
big deal in Eastland.
- Let's get it in!
- Score a goal,
and you get to feel
what it's like to be a god.
Brad passes it to Worsham.
And he goes for the shot.
He shoots. He scores!
You know who knows that
feeling better than anyone?
- Whoo!
- Eric Worsham.
Eric, Eric, Eric!
Eric is like a king
in Eastland.
Face-off at center ice!
Good move, man.
Good move, Eric. Come on!
But heavy is the head
that wears the helmet.
Eric has to be perfect,
because if he's not...
Move your fucking feet!
Come on!
...he gets to enjoy
a lifetime of pain
and humiliation.
- And they're alone!
- ( buzzer )
And just like that,
the Fighting Spirits have
sent this game into overtime.
Get the fuck up,
you fucking piece of shit!
Eric, that goal!
That's on you!
And Coach Worsham expressing
his frustrations
as they make their way
to the locker room.
I wouldn't wanna be
at that dinner table tonight.
Oh, yeah.
Did I forget to mention?
That psycho coach?
Also Eric's dad.
You know what you are?
I can't even say the word
because the school board
won't let me call you
"pussies" anymore.
You pissed away the last period.
God damn, look at me when
I'm fucking talking to you!
Beat the fuck out of someone
out there, okay?
Like we're back
in fucking 'Nam!
What have I got,
a bunch of pacifists?
Or do I have me some warriors
in this fucking room?
Now, I love you boys.
You know I do.
On three. One, two, three!
- Go, Frogs!
- Whoo! Go, Frogs!
- Come on, guys.
Let's go, come on.
- ( phone chimes )
Come on, boys, let's go.
Get out there and fucking win.
Come on!
I love you guys.
Get out there, play hard,
play fast.
Come on, guys.
Let's go, come on.
You don't have go out there.
What the hell
are you talking about, man?
Say you go out there, right?
And you do whatever
the hell it was
your dad was screaming about,
and you win the game,
and you win
a lot more games, right?
You get a scholarship,
and now you're playing NCAA.
And you do really well there.
And now you're playing
in the NHL.
And now you have fans
and money and women
and you might even win
the Franklin Cup.
- Stanley.
- The Stanley Cup.
But you'll still be miserable,
because you're not
playing to win.
You're playing not to lose.
- I don't know.
- I know what it's like
to live your life
the way you do
because you're afraid.
I used to hide
in all kinds of places.
- You hide in here.
- I gotta get back out there.
( crowd chanting )
No, you don't.
Crowd: Let's go, Frogs!
Let's go, Frogs!
Sid: Turns out jockstraps
are super uncomfortable,
especially when you're using
somebody else's.
And we got Eric Worsham
returning to the ice.
Looks like he took
a few extra minutes of rest,
and he'll need it against
these Fighting Spirits.
And face-off at center ice.
The drop!
- Eric Worsham going offsides.
- ( whistle blows )
Ooh, you don't see that
from Worsham every day.
- Uh, we've got a face-off
deep in the Frog territory.
- I'm good, bro.
Jim: There's the drop!
Worsham has got the puck.
Oh! Worsham is pounded by
the Spirits, and he's down.
Coach:
Get your fucking heads
in the game, kids.
Jim: Looks like
that'll leave a mark.
Coach:
Come on, let's go, boys.
( echoing )
Let's go! God damn it.
What the fuck are you doing?
You cock-sucking
son of a fucking bitch.
( continues, distorted )
- ( whistle blows )
- Sid: And then I remembered
why I was here.
For in the realm of the dead,
where I'm going,
I wanna be able
to talk about this shit.
The Frogs lining up
with the Fighting Spirits
- in striking distance.
- Let's go, E.
Referee: All right, boys,
sticks down, face-off.
Jim: And the puck is down.
Oh! With a huge collision
on center ice.
Worsham now has the puck.
Fuck fear.
I've been doing a lot
of avoiding in my life.
Time to put it to good use.
- Jim: Oh, he dodges!
- Come on!
Jim: He's getting close
to the goal!
With a spin like a ballerina!
He shoots!
No fear, motherfucker!
- ( buzzer )
- He scores!
( cheering )
Eric Worsham brings
the Frogs to victory!
Crowd:
Eric, Eric, Eric!
- Yeah! Whoo-hoo!
- ( chanting fades )
( crowd murmuring )
- Sid.
- What the fuck?
Sid? Is that the guy that shoved
the sharpie up his asshole?
Um, correction,
that goal was scored by,
and I can't believe
I'm saying this,
my best friend Sid Sandagger!
He's 160 pounds
of pure sexual energy,
and he's very, very single!
Go, Sid!
Hey. Who the fuck are you?
I'm a friend of your son's,
I guess?
I clean the jockstraps.
I give them--
I'm, like, their penis--
Where the fuck
did you learn that thing?
I, um-- I...
Fantastic Figure Skating
for Fabulous Five-Year-Olds.
Can you be
at practice tomorrow?
Yeah.
Yes, sir. Yes, coach.
( cheering, laughter )
( chimes )
Jim: I don't know
what you did to Eric,
but that was some
serious Jedi voodoo shit.
He was just afraid.
I used to live like that.
- Dude, he quit hockey.
He joined the dance team.
- Good for him.
- Yo, what up, Sid?
- What's up, Sandagger?
Who are you?
Moving on.
With Arlene in the hospital
for her
Seasonal Affective Disorder,
I will be assuming
the role of interim
student body president.
However,
according to school bylaws,
we will hold a special election
to determine
a permanent replacement
for the remainder
of the year.
Obviously, I will need
a vice-president to run with.
You'll be working with me,
designing campaign signs,
ironing out our platform,
and of course, debating
alongside me in three days.
Expect long, gruesome hours
and a whole lot of fun.
- ( phones chiming )
- Now, raise your hand
if you'd like
to be considered.
( chiming continues )
Sid: You know, I'm not sure
when it became cool
to hate on Megan Waters,
or even why, really.
But a few months ago,
some kid started
a FarmersOnly account
and posted pictures of her
with a bunch of dicks
and other stuff
flying around.
People can be such jerks.
And when do they decide
that's the one
we're gonna torture?
That's the one
that we're gonna make
feel like shit?
It isn't right.
( chiming continues )
Great.
I'll give you guys
some time to think it over
and I'll put a sign-up sheet
on the door.
Meeting adjourned.
Before I die, I said
I'd fuck up the system.
Helping Megan Waters
just might be the way.
- Hey, Megan.
- Hey, Sid.
About the whole
vice-president thing?
I'm sure that
I'll find somebody.
I would--
I would love to run with you.
- Really?
- Yeah. Why not?
Well, I should probably vet you
against the other candidates
before I make
any final decisions.
Right. Welcome to the ticket.
I've never really done drugs.
Oh, except in sixth grade
when I took two Tylenol
and drank
three Diet Dr Peppers
and ended up riding
the mammoth at the museum.
Haven't really
experimented since.
This is the shit you want.
You ever spent
the night with molly?
Uh, spent what?
Oh, yeah. No.
Um, what is molly exactly?
You ever been rolling
down a hill in the ice
but felt really hot
in your soul?
Um, no.
It's, like, spiritual.
The real you comes out.
You're gonna trip balls.
Cool. Sweet.
Um, how much do I owe you?
- How much you want?
- Just a few... bits.
- Bits?
- Pieces? I don't know.
Just a handful.
I don't-- what--
Just enough
to have a good time.
- 80.
- 80. Cool.
Usually, I'd be
saving this money for,
I don't know, my future?
That's the nice thing
about imminent death.
It makes financial planning
a lot easier.
But don't take more
than half a pill at a time.
- Half a pill?
- Yeah.
Got it. Okay.
- Minty fresh.
Just like this shit.
- Thank you.
You think that Candace chick
would be down to hump?
The abstinence cop? No.
No, man,
I don't think she is.
I might be catching
feelings for her.
That's too bad, man.
You know what, Dave?
Why wait?
If not now, then when, right?
- Boner bros.
- Boner bros.
Like, a lot of puss.
Oh, dude,
the Frakas twins are having
a party this weekend.
- We gotta go.
- Sweet. What kind of party?
Aw, dude,
it's a wine-tasting party.
They got Austrian whites,
they got a sommelier coming.
I mean, he's gonna-- I mean--
what do you think kind of party?
Yeah, dude.
Whatever, I'm in.
- Are you serious?
- Yeah.
Fuck yes, dude!
That's what I'm talking about.
Dude, I thought I was
gonna have to sell that.
Like, for real,
I had this whole thing prepared
about how if we both hook up,
we would be brothers.
Like, not that
we're not already brothers,
but we would be like
boner brothers.
Oh, dude, I'm so sorry,
but Dave Guggenheim
already called that.
( phone chiming )
You know, I always suspected
Tiff Mann was an angel,
but am I really
falling in love
with an honest to goodness
celestial being?
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, were you
masturbating again?
- What? No!
- That's okay.
Masturbation promotes health.
That's why grandma's
never had the flu.
- Can I help you guys?
- Well, when you are a parent,
and your son's Sex Ed teacher
Dr. Capanna calls you
and tells you that your son
has flipped out in class...
Dr. Capanna, by the way,
sounds like the biggest moron.
But also, if your son,
say, mysteriously ends up
on the cable access
sports channel pucking a goal,
we have no choice
but to get very invasive
and ask what exactly
is going on?
- I'm fine.
- Do you know what?
- You don't look fine.
- Mm-mm.
I had teeny little
mishap at school.
- With a girl?
- No.
- With Dr. Capanna?
- No.
Okay, well,
if you change your mind,
you know where to find us.
- Friday.
- Hmm?
I have another game on Friday.
And I am going to
Homecoming next week.
Do you want us
to ask a girl out for you?
Because we are good at that.
No thank you, no.
( music playing )
( music continues )
Well, all right.
It appears as though
I am not the only one
who is fucking up
the system nowadays.
- ( cheering )
- Whoo!
Hey, take five, guys.
What's up?
- What's up, man?
- How you doing?
I'd heard you joined
the dance team.
That's-- that was--
that was awesome.
- Hey, nice goal
the other night.
- Thanks, man.
Hey, I wanted to
tell you something.
Um, just thank you
for talking to me
the other night.
I feel like
I'm finally having fun
in high school.
- I'm happy for you, man.
- I should get back there,
- but have a good game Friday.
- Careful on those backflips.
- Hey, don't let my dad
ride you too hard.
- I won't!
- See you around, Sid.
Let's go again.
- All right! Okay, one...
( piano playing scales )
Good God, understudy,
I cannot wait
to kiss that mouth.
It's, like, the hottest
face hole I've ever seen.
God.
Only a total tool
would call Tiff Mann's
perfect lips a face hole.
Then again, Erwin Mueller
is a total tool.
Voice on PA:
This time with lights, please.
Thank you.
- ( thunder rolling )
- Me, alive
You make me alive
( thunder continues )
A final kiss
before I burn your body
Also, what the fuck
even is this show?
Megan: 'Cause we know that
Olivia's gonna go after
those one-issue
plastic straw voters,
who aren't even informed,
and they don't even know
that it's landfills
that are causing
the most pollution
in our entire planet.
But we have to appeal to them.
We have to appeal
to that dumb demographic.
Hey!
You know, that's really rude,
to just rifle through
people's things?
What is it? Is it, like,
a diary or a journal?
Is it a hit list?
Are you an assassin?
It sounds stupid,
but I write poetry sometimes.
- Can I hear one?
- No.
- Please?
- No.
Look, it's...
I'm still fixing them.
Rainbows contain
all of the colors,
but white light contains all
of the colors of the rainbow.
I am the white light
on a cold night.
And if you look just right,
you will see all
of the colors inside of me.
There.
Now we can get back
to recycling.
- That was great.
- You don't have to like it.
- I know.
- You know, I've never actually
read one of my poems out loud.
Normally when
I try to talk to people,
they just walk away.
Megan, I'm sorry
that I never stuck up for you
in student council.
- It's fine.
- It's not.
It's not. I'm sorry.
Okay, we really need
a stronger stance on cardboard.
( groans )
Let's just take a break.
I can't just take a break, Sid.
Every minute that we take off
is another one that
Olivia Binghman doesn't.
That dirty whore
has been trying to steal
the council from me for years,
and we are not
about to let that happen.
Mm-hmm.
- Your breath stinks.
- I'm good.
- I have some in my bag.
- Good, 'cause I'm almost out.
I've been meaning to get
the average joe perspective.
What do you feel?
Paper or plastic?
Yeah, my mom threw a hairdryer
at my dad last night.
- I don't know if he bled,
but it look like it hurt.
- Oh, my God.
- Um...
- I wanna believe in love,
but I don't know anymore.
Yeah, that's one of life's
greatest mysteries.
It's big, right?
Like, life-changing.
Mm-hmm, and it's--
just don't feel like
it's your fault.
- I'm sure it's not your fault.
- It might be.
Sorry. I need a minute.
Yeah, take-- I'm sorry. Yeah.
- I didn't mean
to make that weird.
- No, no.
- I'm good. I'm surviving.
- Yeah, of course.
I just-- I wanna be there
and I don't know with to say
because I don't-- I never--
my parents are still in love.
- So, sorry. I just--
- Yeah, thanks for
rubbing that in.
- Um, I'm so sorry.
- It's okay.
( PA chimes )
Announcer:
Attention, Eastland Frogs.
The student council assembly
will begin in ten minutes
in the auditorium.
Where the fuck
have you been, Sandagger?
Megan, this is the men's room.
I know.
What the hell are you
doing in here, huh?
- I'm just peeing.
- You peed?
Every great politician knows,
"No pee before debate.
It's the pee
that makes you great."
I haven't pissed in four days.
Oh, my God.
That's incredibly unhealthy.
By the way, your mints,
they taste like shit.
- No. Oh, shit.
- What?
Are they not mints?
- Uh, kind of.
- Kind of?
Okay, there's no such thing as
kind of when it comes to mints.
They either refresh
your breath or they don't.
They freshen your perspective.
Oh, my God, they're a drug.
I've never taken a drug before!
( toilet flushing )
Get the fuck out of here, Eli!
- Move!
- And vote Megan Waters!
Nobody's gonna vote
Megan Waters now.
Relax. It's okay.
- I think I need to call
my pediatrician.
- It's gonna be fine.
I'm-- you're gonna be fine.
I promise.
- ( whimpering )
- You're gonna go out there,
and you're gonna be yourself,
and everyone's gonna love you.
- No one loves me, Sid!
- Jesus.
No one even likes me.
Because people like you and me,
we're not pretty.
No! But we're smart.
And that means that
we're supposed to have
good lives after we leave.
No. Megan,
we're gonna start now.
See?
( groaning )
You're gonna be fine,
I promise.
Okay.
So what drug was it
that we took?
( feedback whines )
( overlapping whispers )
- Oh, okay.
- Your turn, your turn.
Hey, everyone. Sid Sandagger.
Uh, it is my strong opinion
that Megan
is the fucking best.
- I'm serious, girl,
you're such--
- Really?
- Yeah, you're the fucking shit.
- Aw, dude.
- I love you so fucking much.
- Such good friends.
We've blossomed.
- Our friendship has blossomed.
- Aww, Sid.
Oh, yeah, of course.
Friends.
Okay, I hear ya.
We have evaluated things
and come to the conclusion
that you have all
been cocks to her.
Yeah, you guys--
you guys have been cocks.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- You've been cocks!
Especially you,
Jonathan Gliggman.
Yeah, but she is wonderful,
wonderful,
if you can't tell already.
- Thank you.
- And I think it's about time
that you got to
know her yourself.
So, um, well, without
much further ado, Megan.
Be yourself.
You got this.
Whoo!
I am a prism.
I refract.
But I glow for me.
And I dance for you.
And you and you and you
and everybody!
Not her! You made your signs
with signs with glitter,
and I went to Kinko's, bitch.
( beat-boxing )
( continues beat-boxing )
Composting papers
on papers
- Recycle bottles on bottles
- Skrr, skrr
We're burning bodies
like models
And now you inhaled
the vapors
You know what
you wanted me to spit
- Whoo, whoo
- And now you're sorry I did
- Huh!
- Losers vote for Olivia
Ballers vote Megan and Sid,
you love it
Sid: Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah! Whoo!
Megan, Megan, Megan, Megan!
Megan, Megan, Megan!
Megan, Megan, Megan, Megan!
Megan, Megan, Megan, Megan!
Megan, Megan, Megan, Megan!
Megan, Megan, Megan, Megan!
- Megan, Megan...
- ( music playing )
- ( crowd cheering )
- Jim: Oh, it's a pass
to Sandagger!
- Oh, oh!
- Sid: I can't believe
I'm about to say this,
but as long as
you are not falling flat
on your face in spandex...
- He shoots! He scores!
- ( cheering )
...standing out might not be
the worst thing in the world.
- Sidney! Go, Sidney! Go!
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
- It certainly
has its benefits.
Later, dude.
- Good game, guys.
- Good job, Sid.
Tiff Mann might be
my destiny,
but sometimes even destiny
needs a little nudge.
Break a leg
out there tonight, man.
Hello, understudy.
I thought I smelled you.
Now, this isn't something
I'm super proud
to add to
my lifetime achievements,
but Erwin Mueller's a dick.
( Erwin screams )
Announcer: Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to tonight's
performance of "Frankenstein,"
the new musical
by Erwin Mueller,
based on a concept
by Mary Shelley.
Tonight,
the role of Frankenstein
will be performed
by Sidney Sandagger.
The performance will begin
in a moment.
- Did he tell you?
- No.
Oh.
( music playing )
Oh, how I love thee
And yet you're a monster
A vicious monster
I am a vicious monster
- Wow.
- You must die, monster
But know
I will never forget you
- She will never forget me
- Goodbye, goodbye
- I can't tell if it's
supposed to be a parody.
- Is it funny?
- ( grunts )
- ( sobbing )
A final kiss
Before I burn your body
Sid: Don't get a boner.
Don't get a boner.
Don't get a boner.
Don't get a boner.
Don't get a boner.
Don't get a boner.
Don't get a boner. Damn it.
- Oh, shit.
- Go, Sid.
Whoo! Yeah, Sid!
My acting coach says
I need to follow
my instincts.
Huh. Wait, you have a--
you have an acting coach?
- On YouTube.
- Well, that's 21st century.
Um, do you want to--
would you like to go maybe
to the Frakas twins' party
with me tomorrow?
( phone chimes )
- Okay.
- Oh, yeah. Okay.
Sick. Cool. Uh, dope.
I'll pick you up at 10.
- You'll text me?
- I don't have your number.
Sid: Don't have my number.
We love a good cat and mouse,
don't we, Tiff Mann?
Hey, bud,
you got something
on your face.
( music playing )
Go
( music continues )
Let's go
Go, go,
trouble in the evening
Take it or leave it
I can really feel it
Stay in on the weekends
Hey, does this shirt
make me look fat?
Like, kinda like when I do this?
Oh, no. No.
Buttons are totally slimming.
- What time again?
- Um, so, 10.
So then I'll pick you up at 9:30
'cause we gotta get Luna first.
- Dude, you're taking Luna?
- It's just for show. What?
- ( speaking Spanish )
- Mom!
No wonder you don't like Luna.
You're too busy falling
in love with Sid!
- Mom! Making me date
that brown fire hydrant--
- She is a lovely girl.
- She's like Satan in the flesh.
- I will smack your ass
- back to next Thursday, okay?
- Okay, okay, okay.
That's the kind of woman
you could slap around
in bed a little.
- Okay, Mom, please stop.
- I punched your father
in the face!
- Eww, eww! Mom!
- And then I got down on him
and just went to town!
- Mom!
- Si, and...
- ( speaking Spanish )
- ( screaming, sobbing )
Okay. What the fuck.
Oh, that was too many knocks.
Too many knocks. Okay.
- You're not even
gonna say I look nice?
- You don't look nice.
You look like
an incredibly mean person
because you are one.
You have the mustache
of a child molester
and the haircut
of a molested child.
Relax, relax.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Is that your minivan?
It's Jim's.
Great for families.
Fuck my life.
You ever wonder
what life is like
for the cool kids?
Well, tonight I find out.
( music playing )
You okay?
Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay.
- Wanna get a drink?
- Oh, yeah.
- Totally.
- Let's do it.
( cheering )
Cheers.
Let's just go for it. Okay.
- Nice-- oh, you--
- Oh, my God.
- Is this one bad?
- Sid, come hit this!
Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!
Chug, chug, chug, chug!
( cheering )
This is literally
the coolest fucking party
that I have ever been to
in my entire life.
Why doesn't anybody want
to go ride a horse with me?
You wanna do one?
Guys, let's go--
Dude, give them their moment.
Stop hopping on the...
- For a moment...
- ( tires screeching )
...this party
felt like heaven.
Luna: Oh, like you haven't
thought about it.
Yo. Why aren't you
responding to my texts?
'Cause I don't want
to talk to you.
- Okay, let's go for a walk.
- No.
We're gonna go for a walk,
'cause we clearly have things--
- ( murmuring )
- What the fuck?
- Uh, uh, Chuck. Yo, dawg.
- I need you to shut up.
Sid: Who gets out of anger
management a week early?
- Fuck you, Switzerland.
- Dude, don't.
- Don't do this.
- David, Candace, I--
I really appreciate it,
but I'm fine.
Well, now I see
why you wanted
to get me suspended,
you little piece of shit.
Give me one good reason
why I shouldn't
kill you right now.
- Uh...
- This is it.
Barring divine intervention,
I am... dead?
- ( crowd yells )
- Oh!
- Not again. Oh!
- It may not have been
a burning bush,
but if an exploding car
at the time of your
imminent demise
isn't evidence
of a higher power,
then I don't know what is.
Halle-fucking-lujah!
Let's get the hell out of here.
- Yeah.
- I think God just did that.
That was fucking dope!
- ( crowd murmuring )
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, I'm shaking.
- It just--
That happened, right?
You saw that too?
I feel like we're in
a rap video or something.
- What happened?
- I don't know.
( retching )
Oh, shit. I'm sorry.
That just came out.
I don't even know
what noise that was.
It sounded like
you put a pig in a blender.
Um, I'm so confused.
Have you not been texting me
this whole time?
No, I told you,
I don't have your number.
Look, the truth is, Sid,
I've been trying
really hard to like you.
I mean, like that.
That's cool, because
I want to like you, too.
And I do like you,
so I'm like a success story
you can really look up to.
You know, I've just--
I've felt so trapped dating
Chuck the past few years.
He and I, we have this cycle.
It's, like,
we fight, we break up,
we get back together.
He gets into some
kind of insane trouble
and I swear that
I'm gonna never date him again.
And then I just end up
back with him again.
( music playing )
I guess I just thought
that maybe if I liked you
then I wouldn't go back
to him, you know?
I wouldn't make
the same mistake.
But...
But I just-- I don't feel
that way about you, Sid.
I'm sorry.
Friends?
She didn't even
jerk you off?
Bummer.
( music playing )
Screw, Chuck.
He can't touch me.
- What's up, Sid?
- Yo.
When he left,
I was invisible.
Now I'm invincible.
I'm like a hero,
and people protect heroes.
Heroes never die, right?
( phone chimes )
Uh, hey.
Hey, can I talk to you guys?
I think-- I think that--
I think that you should log off.
Get the fuck outta here.
Okay, I get it. I do.
I love being in here,
but I think you're--
I just--
I think you're missing out.
Trust me. I'm you.
We're to living our lives
to our full potential.
Out there,
the quests don't wait for you
like they do in here.
There's a lot more out there
than orcs and night elves
and you shouldn't be spending
your whole lives hiding.
Yeah, all right. Okay.
( phone chimes )
Whoa, whoa. Sorry. Hey!
Hey, hey!
Hey! Hey!
- What?
- You're, uh...
Katie.
You've been texting me
this whole time.
- I'm sorry, okay? I got--
- No.
No, don't say you're sorry.
Just...
...hi.
- Hi.
- How do you even
know who I am?
I think everyone knows
who you are at this point.
You've been weird.
Good weird, though.
And you--
you wanted to help me?
Yeah.
Suck a dick, Chuck.
Why do we all have
to pretend that we don't want
to fuck each other...
Jim: Hugh Hefner would be
so proud of you right now.
Sandagger!
She will never forget me
Do you wanna go on
a date with me?
- Really?
- Yeah.
I'm going to
something after school
if you wanna come.
Yeah.
- I'll text you, I guess.
- Yeah, please.
( organ playing )
You know that
I have two moms, right?
And they're both
going to hell.
Oh.
Okay.
I just like bits and pieces.
- Of the Bible?
- Yeah, of all religions.
Plus, churches are
really pretty, and quiet,
and they make boys like you
super uncomfortable.
Sometimes it's just nice
to be somewhere, you know?
Amen.
Amen.
( music playing )
Jim: Ten seconds left!
He's going! Yeah!
Sandagger!
( cheering )
I spent a lifetime
killing me
( indistinct chatter )
I found an old soul
who disagreed
Hey, can I ask you something?
Yeah.
Did you set Chuck Brawnte's
car on fire?
- No.
- I had this awful--
I only wanna be with you
Cool. I can do better.
I wasn't expecting that.
So, I can--
Katie:
"Let go of the past,
let go of the future,
in the present, let go.
Gone to the other shore
of becoming,
mind released entirely,
you will never again
undergo birth and old age."
- Wow. That's beautiful.
- Isn't it?
- Depressing.
- No.
We're still young
We should still believe
We passed out
on a city street
We laughed until
we couldn't breathe
I spent a lifetime
killing me
My mom is eighth grade math,
and my dad is a librarian,
but he likes to be called
a media specialist.
- I wanna kiss you again.
- I ain't got nothing
Left to lose
I only wanna be with you
Watch your head
because there's, like,
a lot of books.
- ( barks )
- Like this, Joey.
All right,
if you don't poop there,
I'm just gonna tell Mom
that you pooped.
- Oh, my God.
- ( bass thumping )
Jimbo, what's up, brother?
Hey, dawg.
You wanna come chill with us?
We're gonna shoot a session.
You need someone to, like,
hold the camera or something?
No, bro, we need to get you
in a goddamn video.
- You're hilarious.
- Uh, all right. Yeah.
Chuck: Jim, Jim!
Jim, Jim, Jim!
- All right.
- Fuck yeah, baby!
- This fucking kid.
- Your dog smells.
( music playing )
I hope you do die,
you fucking drug addict.
Hey, guys.
I could press charges,
you know?
For what you did to my face?
My mom had to put chapstick
on my eyelids.
Okay, what the fuck is going on?
I feel like
I'm in a fricking, like,
spaceship right now, right?
You are in a spaceship.
Yeah, I am!
I'm in a fucking
spaceship, dawg!
- And your boy, Sid?
- Yeah?
Dude, I've been hearing
so many stories.
Actually, I have
mad respect for the guy.
Dude, he's been going crazy.
He spiked that theater kid's
makeup with Icy Hot
just so he could go onstage.
And he got Megan Waters
crazy high for her debate.
- Megan fucking waters?
- Yeah, yeah.
Chuck: He's just trying
to live it up before I X him?
And, dude,
he's determined
to get laid, too.
He tried sticking it
to Tiff Mann.
- But don't worry.
She said no.
- Yeah?
Jim: Now he's trying
to hit on this gamer chick.
He even went to church with her
just so that
he could get in her pants
all before
you fucking kill him.
Sid, that is cold, brother.
You're not gonna, like,
hurt him or anything?
'Cause, like, I'm--
like, I'm down with him.
No, for sure.
I'm not gonna hurt him.
- Um...
- Dope.
Chuck: 'Cause I'm gonna
fucking end him.
I'm gonna beat him so badly
that he's never able to feel
a fucking thing ever again.
- Say, "Hi, Sid."
- Wait, what?
- Hey!
- Slow down!
Fuck off, noob.
( music playing )
What was everyone
so upset about?
Yeah, they were
part of a list. So what?
I still did all the things
they thought were great.
But after the video,
everything went to shit.
I was kicked off the ice,
and the rest of the guys
refused to play with me.
Megan was put on
disciplinary probation
for doing drugs,
and then kicked off
student council.
Candace re-pledged
her eternal abstinence
and dumped Dave.
Dr. Capanna:
Oh, yeah, sure...
Oh, and guess who decided
to be sick today?
- Hey, man.
- Dude, seriously? Go away.
- Sid, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Go, dude.
- I made a mistake.
- Don't fucking touch me.
- Leave, man.
- I made a mistake.
Just hear me out.
Just let me talk
for a little bit.
Do you have any idea
what the fuck you've done?
- Sid, I do know what I did.
- You have literally
ruined everything.
All you ever wanted was for
someone popular to like you,
and they never will.
Luna, was right, Jim.
You are an insecure
attention whore
who would literally sell out
the only real friend
that you have ever had
for the chance at someone
with more fucking followers.
Sid. Sid, I'm sorry, dude.
Sid, come on! Sid!
Jim is an idiot.
Stupid.
I wasn't just trying
to get with you.
I promise.
God.
( phone chimes )
I know.
Aah! God!
This is why I have rules.
This is why I said to shut up
and to stay under the radar
and to not mess
with the system.
Because when you speak up,
when you care,
and when you stop
being afraid,
people will hurt you.
They will find
that thing inside of you
that you try so hard
to guard and protect,
and they will poke at it
and jab at it
until you want to just crawl
into a little ball and cry,
and then you might
as well be dead.
( doorbell rings )
( ringing continues )
Why haven't you been
answering Jim's DMs?
I don't really feel like
talking to him right now.
What he did was stupid.
But what do you expect?
It's Jim.
He has
the emotional intelligence
of a premature baby
and the actual intelligence
of one of those baboons
with the red asses.
Those are just baboons.
And they use tools,
they're brilliant animals.
Well, Jim isn't.
But he's also your best friend.
You're coming to
Homecoming tonight, right?
No. I don't have a date.
I don't have a ride.
I got you a tie
and boutonnire
when Jim got his.
Fair warning,
he did that dumb thing
where he got the pimp cane
and the top hat.
Ugh.
As far as a date goes,
fuck it.
Just show up,
or you'll regret it.
Chuck will kill me.
- I blew up Chuck's car.
- What?
Yeah.
( music playing )
Grain alcohol
is surprisingly flammable.
Luna, that's insane.
And a felony.
- Maybe.
- It is.
- But do you know why I did it?
- Because you're fucking nuts?
Because for a moment,
you gave everyone hope.
Look at all those people
whose lives you affected
just by being
an arrogant little shit
by refused to play
by the rules and be quiet.
Now everybody just thinks
I was using them for
some stupid bucket list.
But stay home
and hide from Chuck?
You'll be showing them
that they're right.
Well, I gotta get back
before lunch is over.
For you.
Later, fuckwad.
- I think we have to start over.
- You know how to tie a tie?
Can you get a YouTube video
just in case?
Oh, did you know that this
is called an oriental knot?
- It goes around
the tree trunk.
- Yeah.
- Did it.
- Photo time.
( music playing )
Oh, man, this is my song!
( music continues )
- Get up.
- ( whispering )
- Get up.
- Nice cane.
- Thanks.
- Look, man, I'm sorry
about some of that stuff
that I said.
Yeah, you said
some pretty rough stuff.
I do think you care
a little bit too much
about being popular,
but I get it.
I know how good it felt
when I finally started
to get some attention,
so I don't blame you.
Boner brothers?
I thought that was you
and Dave Guggenheim's thing.
Come on, Jimenez.
You'll always be
my boner brother.
I'm gonna go spike the punch.
Give him some time.
Jim doesn't think very fast.
You look nice.
Thanks.
You look beautiful.
I know.
- Um, will you give me a second?
- Yeah.
Hey. Um, just--
- Hey, please.
- Sid, I don't wanna have
this conversation.
This isn't that.
It's not that conversation.
This isn't me saying
that I made a mistake,
or that there was
some big misunderstanding,
or even telling you that
you're the love of my life
or the only one for me
or anything.
This isn't even me
trying to win you back.
- Okay, then what is it?
- It's goodbye.
I just-- I wanted
to say that I've had
a lot of bad days
and a few good ones.
But the ones that
I spent with you, Katie,
were the best ones.
And I'm so thankful to you
for that.
- ( all cheering )
- ( music playing )
( music continues )
- ( music stops )
- ( crowd murmuring )
You ready?
I am.
As I walk through the valley
of the shadow of high school,
I take with me my memories,
I leave behind my regrets.
I have loved, lost,
risen, fallen,
and now I face the beyond.
May my beatdown inspire those
who still live in fear.
I am Sid Sandagger,
and I am no longer afraid!
And I have lived!
( flatlining )
Oh, shit. Oh, fuck.
- How does this shit
fucking work?
- ( beeping resumes )
That's definitely
not how it works.
Hey, buddy. How you feel?
I'm alive?
Yeah, you're alive.
I mean,
you look like a Picasso,
but you're alive.
- Oh, my God.
- What?
What happened to your face?
Oh, um, I think Luna
might've tagged me by accident.
She is so strong.
I think it's the low
center of gravity
- and the rage issues.
- So what happened?
You went unconscious
pretty quickly,
and then shit went down.
( crowd gasps )
- ( grunting )
- Coach: Break it up!
Dad, listen to me!
I'm a dancer!
What do you mean
you're a dancer?
Yeah!
You know what else?
( crowd gasps )
I wanna dance!
Somebody dance with me!
Now I know why pimps
carry canes!
( grunts )
( panting )
- Oh, fuck.
- You stupid bitch.
- No, I thought we were bros!
- Motherfucker!
I'll kill you, you hear me?
I'll fucking kill you, bitch!
I hope you choke to death!
I'll protect you.
Protect yourself, bitch.
- Make your melon.
- Yes.
- You fought Chuck for me?
- Yeah, of course, dude.
You're my best friend.
I'm never gonna let
some piece of shit
beat the shit out of you.
- Can you walk?
- Oh, fuck.
Dude, I haven't even tri-- oh.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, no, I think so.
Fuck!
( moaning )
Well, anyway,
there's some people
who might wanna see you.
Yeah, I'm good.
- Hey.
- ( music playing )
( crowd chattering )
Yeah, you're definitely
gonna need stitches.
- Ow. Oh, fuck.
- Sid! Hey.
Today I took
my first breath
Sid, way to take
that punch, man.
- Oh!
- ( chatter continues )
I'm standing
on this broken road
I'll find my way back home
to you and me
Hey
Hey
Hey
So we're agreed
on ground rules?
One night only,
and then we never
breathe a word of this
- to anyone ever again.
- Deal.
Like it never happened.
- Wanna know something?
- What?
- I blew up Chuck's car.
- God, you're fucking crazy.
Today is the day
( vocalizing )
Hey.
Hey.
How was your day?
Eventful.
Can we just start over?
Yeah.
I'm Sid.
I know.
Do you wanna dance?
Yeah.
( vocalizing )
- Oh!
- What?
What, what?
What, what, what?
- What, what? What?
- You bit me!
Why is your tongue so long?
Are you trying to get
my throat pregnant?
Oh, my God. Why did I think
this would be a good idea?
- You kiss like a succubus.
- I hate you so much.
What, what?
Will you stick a finger
in my butt?
- You are so beautiful.
- Hey
Today is the day
Today is our day
Shit, I have a boner.
Me too.
( vocalizing )
Today is the day
Today is our day
For your and me
( chatter continues )
For you and me
For you and me
For you and me
( music playing )
( vocalizing )
All the roads
I've had to choose
And they all led
back to you
My eyes are open wide out
But you put the light out
You're running me around
Don't start
running me around
Don't start
running me around
Don't start
running me around
Don't start
running me around
I never know
how many roads
I'll have to choose
It's not a bed of roses
You never notice
You never knew
I hope you don't hit your
back side when you roll out
And you never
used to roll the dice
till you slowed down
Now I hope
you hit your back side,
hit your back side
When you roll out
You're running me around
Don't start
running me around
Don't start
running me around
Don't start
running me around
Don't start
running me around
Who you calling
in the middle of the night?
I know you miss it
and you wish it was right
I know you wish you knew
what you know now
But I can't take you when
you're running me around
All the roads
I've had to choose
And they all led
back to you
My eyes are open wide out
But you put the light out
I hope you know
you're gonna hit
Your back side
when you roll out
I know I used to
roll the dice
Till I slowed down
I hope you
hit your back side,
Hit your back side
when you roll out
You're running me around
Don't start
running me around
Don't start
running me around
Don't start
running me around
Don't start
running me around
Don't start, don't start
Don't start
running me around
Don't start
running me around
( music playing )
( music continues )
The cycle never
really ends
You and me were left out
I'm stuck inside
the glass again
Tell me everything
about it
Now I can't explain
Everything inside
your brain
Is turning inside out
And upside down
I think I'm just
your bad habit
I think I'm just
your bad habit
I think I'm just
your bad habit
I think I'm just your--
just your
Hurting from
a tough crowd
Cool classic
playing on the brain
We're craving
all the old times
Just to bring back
all the pain
Tell me everything
about it
Now I can't explain
Everything inside
your brain
Is turning inside out
And upside down
I think I'm just
your bad habit
I think I'm just
your bad habit
I think I'm just
your bad habit
I think I'm just your--
just your habit
Makes me wanna scream
Feeling like I'm 17
Pick a fight
and make a scene
Think I'm just
your bad habit
I think I'm just
your bad habit
I think I'm just
your bad habit
I think I'm just
your bad habit
I think I'm just your--
just your
( music playing )