Sidewalks of New York (2001) Movie Script

So we're going to ask you
a series of questions.
Some will be basic,
biographical questions.
Others will be very personal
about your sexual history.
So that being said,
let's start with telling us...
...when you lost your virginity.
December 5, 1994.
It was my senior year
of high school...
...and I lost it to Danny Rizzo.
My parents had gone away
for the weekend.
We each did about eight shots
of vodka, and then we did it.
Then we threw up
about ten minutes after that, so-
First time I had sex, I was
actually pretty young- 15.
She was a freshman in college.
And it just kinda happened.
I was hanging out with my friends
in the parking lot... front of the A&P,
just drinkin' some beers.
She pulled into the parking lot
in her dad's new Cadillac.
We got to talkin',
and next thing I know...
...we're in the backseat
kinda goin' at it, so-
It was pretty cool 'cause I had
never been in a Cadillac before.
I was a late bloomer.
It was my junior year at college.
I lost it to the woman
I eventually married, Maria.
I really only had sex with one woman
up until that point...
...and that's probably why
I got divorced.
I was only 16...
...and he was much older.
He worked with my mother. My parents
got divorced when I was nine.
He used to come over to the house
for dinners and parties and things.
Then he started coming over when
he knew my mom wouldn't be home.
And then just one thing
kinda led to another.
And before I even knew
what was happening...
I was having my first affair
with a married man.
When I first had sex?
My dad drove me down...
...from our apartment in the Bronx,
where we lived.
He took me to the Upper East Side
to some high-class whorehouse.
And she said her name
was Cherry Pie.
I always liked that name-
Cherry Pie.
Let's just say I have a very clear
image of her in my mental file.
He was the sweetest guy.
We went to high school together.
We wanted to wait till we
got married- That Catholic thing.
But I wanted to do it
before my 18th birthday.
So we went to this
bed-and-breakfast in Saratoga...
...and we just made love
for three straight days.
Then we went off to college
and promised to be faithful.
And then what happened?
Well, I was faithful
for the first semester...
...and he came back after Christmas
break and told me he was gay.
So I guess he was a little sweeter
than I would've liked.
Okay, wait a second, Sue.
I mean, this is unbel-
You know, I mean, come on!
Where did this come from? How long
have you been thinking about this?
You just drop this on me
all of a sudden today?
- I don't even know-
- Stop. You're stuttering. Okay?
It's over. It's simple. Pack
your shit, get out by the weekend.
this is like a shock to me.
I don't know what else you
want me to say. It's simple.
It's not brain surgery.
It's over.
- Have your shit out by the weekend.
- You gotta be kidding me.
- I'm not kidding you.
- When did this come about?
Oh, my God. Give me a break.
You know this was inevitable.
If I thought that, I wouldn't have
given up my apartment months ago.
Don't you pin that on me. I didn't
ask you to give up your apartment.
You did ask me to move in with you.
That I didn't fuckin' imagine.
- What do you want me to say to you?
- How 'bout a fuckin' explanation?
- Is that so much?
- Why do you need an explanation?
Why can't you just see
the writing on the wall?
Why can't I see the writing?
The only thing I see is this ugly
painting that cost me a few grand.
You want the painting?
'Cause you can have the painting.
I don't want the painting.
I got you the painting.
- I don't want it.
- Then what do you want from me?
You know what I want?
I just want you to talk to me.
Just tell me why
you're doin' this.
Where you goin'?
Tell me why you're doing this.
This is comin' out
of left field here.
Do you want kids?
Yeah. You know I want kids.
We've already discussed this.
As soon as you're ready.
Guess what. Not ready.
You ever notice how whenever you
bring up kids, I change the subject?
I don't want them ever!
That was kinda harsh, you know,
because we were talkin'...
...everything- Kids, marriage,
the whole nine.
Then she drops that on me
out of the blue, so-
That was kinda tough, you know?
I told you moving in with her
was a big mistake, didn't I?
I know.
Tommy, you are not
the settling down type of guy.
You're the type that has to be out
there every day makin' it happen.
Forget about
that wife-and-kids crap.
What is that anyway? You take it
from somebody who's been there.
A wife and children
will drive you to an early grave.
Take a look at me, for example.
Take a look at me, baby!
- I know. You're animal.
- I'm an animal!
I am twice as vital
as any married man half my age.
- Ain't that right, sweetheart?
- So you keep telling me.
Tell the kid how many women
I've porked.
Enough to definitely make
every woman sick to her stomach.
- Five hundred, Tommy.
- Come on.
I had sex with 500 different women.
I left them all baying at the moon.
You stick with me, kid, you could
wind up with twice that many.
- So what was the fight about?
- I don't know.
I came home yesterday, everything
seems fine, she's having a sandwich.
Next thing, she's screaming at me,
kicks me out of the apartment.
- She kicked you out?
- It was her place.
Tommy, she kicked you out?
That's unbelievable.
In my day, I would have thrown
her big ass right out the door.
So what do you need? A place
to stay for a couple of weeks?
I can't ask you that. I'll get
a sublet until I find an apartment.
Why don't you go live in a box
in an alley too?
Listen, as long as I'm breathing,
you've got a place to stay.
You stay with me a couple of weeks,
I'll get your head straightened out.
We'll put that romantic idealism
crap to bed once and for all.
But for now, Tommy, I want you
to do yourself a favor.
I want you to go out
and try to get laid.
Nothing heals a broken heart
like a brand-new piece of booty.
Don't listen to him, please.
- The eyes.
- Yeah, I see the eyes!
My name's Tommy Reilly.
I'm 32. From Queens originally.
Are you afraid of getting hurt
in a relationship?
No, you know, I think better
to just go for it, right?
What, you're gonna live your life
in fear of gettin' a broken heart?
It's the price you gotta pay
to potentially be happy.
You said it's over here?
Are you gonna rent that?
Yeah, definitely. Why?
Just wondering maybe you still
hadn't made up your mind...
...between the two.
- Just holding it in your hands.
- No, definitely.
I'm definitely gonna rent this one.
You want this one?
I came for that one.
It's a great movie.
That's what I heard.
I'll just keep looking.
Oh, hey. How're you doin'?
Good. I was just wondering-
have you seen this?
It's really good.
I mean, it's very different.
I'd love to help you out here,
but I gotta watch this for work.
Oh, really. You sure?
They've got a great selection
of other-
Yeah, I know,
but I gotta see this one.
There's nothing I can do
to change your mind, then?
Okay. Well, I tried.
Yeah, yeah.
Enjoy your movie.
It's a great movie.
- All right.
- Good night.
Excuse me.
- How you doin'?
- Hi.
I was thinkin', if you want
the video that badly...
...why don't you give me
your phone number?
When I finish
watching it tonight...
I could give you a call
and then maybe bring it over.
No, I don't want to see it
that badly, thank you.
Okay, it seemed like back there
there was some sort of emergency... you needed to
see it tonight or somethin'.
Now you got me feeling like
I'm some kind of shit heel.
Like I should've given you
the video back there... it would've been
the gentlemanly thing to do.
Well, it would've been,
but you missed your opportunity.
Then why don't you let me
make it up to you?
Why don't we go in here
and get a cup of coffee?
We could talk and-
Am I coming on too strong?
I just was thinking,
we could get some coffee-
Okay, how about this?
In exchange for the video now,
I'll give you my phone number.
If you call me later this week,
we'll do coffee then.
But how do I know that you'll
give me the right number?
We are making a deal here.
You're either in or you're out.
I'm in.
Return it on time, so I don't
have to pay the hefty late fee.
You don't know his name,
what he does for a living.
You don't know where he lives.
But you gave him your phone number.
Look, he seems
like a nice enough guy.
We just kinda skipped
the personal stuff.
You are supposed to start
with the personal stuff.
Where do you live?
What do you do for a living?
Like a basic background check.
What if this guy calls you?
You don't know him.
He could be a sexual deviant.
I don't know- Something.
He was renting
Breakfast at Tiffany's.
Hardly the kind of movie the
neighborhood perv would get off on.
Breakfast at Tiffany's.
Okay, well, he's gay.
Did I tell you the ratio between
single, straight, employed men...
...and single, straight women
in this town?
- Yes, many times.
- I did, right?
Okay. So don't get your panties
in a bunch over this guy.
I bet he'd rather redecorate
your apartment than, you know-
Than what?
Than take care of his manly
obligations, that's what.
My name is Maria Tedesco,
and my age is none of your business.
I don't even think
I should be doing this.
All right.
I'm originally
from Staten Island.
Now I live in Manhattan,
which I hate. I'm a teacher.
I'm here, PS-3.
Sixth-graders make more in weekly
allowance than I do in a month.
But I love the sons of bitches,
so it makes it all worth it.
Maria, it's me, Benjamin.
Can I talk to you?
I'm listening.
I was in the neighborhood,
thought I'd come by, say hello.
This is a really bad habit
you're developing, Benjamin.
Yeah, but I've really been waiting
to see you for a while.
I thought maybe this time
you'd let me in.
I miss you very much.
Let me in. We'll talk.
I promise I won't try anything.
I promise, okay? Please?
I'm Benjamin Basner.
I'm 24 years old,
and I'm from Brooklyn.
My sex life?
- At this point, it's nonexistent.
- Hey, you suck!
At this point,
it's just totally-
Should we start again?
Why do you use the excuse that
you were just in the neighborhood?
- I was!
- You live three blocks away.
- You're always in the neighborhood.
- But I wrote you a song.
I thought that maybe
you want to hear it.
No, see, 'cause I've heard
enough of your songs already.
Don't say that.
I just miss you very much.
- Is that so bad?
- No, it's not bad.
But it's been over a year.
You need to get over it.
You don't understand.
I can't get over it.
I can't live without you,
really. I can't.
I want you to look at me.
Take a good look, okay?
I have gained 15 pounds
since the divorce.
- Fifteen. Okay?
- Yes.
We should consider getting
back together, for my health.
Why the sudden change of heart
after a year, huh?
I'm finally okay, now you want to
play with my emotions again?
I'm not playing with anything.
I just recently realized
we had a beautiful marriage...
- And I was eating well.
- What?
I didn't have the foresight
to see how great it was.
What? We fought all the time.
We made each other miserable.
We stopped having sex.
You started cheating on me!
- What was so beautiful about that?
- So we had some ups and downs.
- We also had some very good times.
- Name one.
- You want me to name one?
- Yes.
July 4th weekend in '97.
That was nice,
but they were few and far between.
What about that time during
my junior year of college...
...when we went skiing?
You mean the time when you twisted
your ankle in the parking lot...
...before we got to the mountain,
and had to spend the week in bed?
But we had a damn good time
in that bed.
My jaw is still a little sore,
if you know what I mean.
That was a really long time ago.
Wouldn't it be nice to spend
some time together again?
Let's get in the bed,
and we'll talk.
We'll talk?
I'm sure if you let me have a word
with your friend down there...
I could convince her
that we should work things out.
I almost had you there,
didn't I?
Come on.
Look, Benjamin... wanted a divorce,
and you got it.
You gotta let me get on
with my life. It's only fair.
- I fucked it up, didn't I?
- Big time.
All right. I'm sorry.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- Did you ever cheat on Maria?
- Yeah, I cheated on Maria.
But it wasn't really my fault.
She was the first and only woman
that I had ever had sex with.
we were way too young-
...way too young to get married.
Especially me.
I could never see myself...
...never having sex
with another woman.
It's crazy. Not that I didn't
love Maria. I still love Maria.
But I walked down the street wanting
to have sex with every woman I saw.
Eventually I tried to.
Why would you even
go see her again?
- I miss her very much.
- You don't. You're just horny.
When was the last time
you got laid?
I don't know.
Like a month or so.
A month or so?
Yeah, it was like October
or November.
You know what? It's March.
That's four months.
You got a semen buildup.
It's clouding your judgment.
Go out, find yourself someone,
you get laid.
I guarantee you, one week
in a new relationship...'re gonna forget
all about Maria...
Remember why you got divorced?
- I cheated on her.
- You cheated on her because what?
You were miserable
and too young to get married.
Dude, we're gonna be rock stars.
We got no time for wives.
We're gonna have scores of groupies
to do whatever we want.
Right? Listen.
If you're horny, get a hooker.
No, see, that's for you.
- I couldn't do that.
- What's wrong with a hooker?
I don't want it on my rsum.
I don't wanna have kids,
and have the kids find out...
...that their father
was with a hooker.
How the fuck
they gonna find that out?
I don't know.
It's not even like I have
a moral stance here.
- Forget I brought it up.
- That's not for me.
Forget it.
I gotta roll.
I gotta meet my mom uptown.
She's taking me shopping
at Bloomingdale's. Wanna come?
I gotta get back to work, buddy.
- I'll see you at rehearsal.
- Yeah. All right, man.
- Be good.
- Take it easy.
- See you at rehearsal.
- Check you later, man.
Excuse me.
- Would you like anything else?
- No, I'm all right.
- Just the check.
- Okay.
I was thinking that Gio was right
about what he had said.
Maybe I should get back out there
and start looking for a girl.
So when I thought that waitress
at the coffee shop-
She's gorgeous.
It was obvious to me she was
sending me those kinds of signals... I thought I'd stop by after work
and see if I could chat her up.
Hey, how you doin'?
How's it goin'?
Good. Do I know you?
You don't remember? I was
in the coffee shop earlier today.
- That's right.
- Remember?
There was a moment there where you
were looking at me and smiling.
And I said, "Oh, boy!"
I thought I'd come by,
introduce myself.
- How you doin'?
- Hello. Ashley.
It seemed obvious to me that there
was something special between us.
Really? When was that?
While I was pouring you your coffee?
Right. There was then,
and there was one-
You were behind the counter,
and you smiled at me again.
If you're so into me, why did you
only leave me a 50-cent tip?
It doesn't make any sense.
I gotta tell you-
Let's be serious.
As much as I felt a connection,
I only had a couple cups of coffee.
I've gotta be honest with you.
You're really not doing a great job
at selling yourself.
Maybe it's hard to imagine,
but I'm a very nice guy.
I play guitar in a band.
So that explains the uniform, then?
This is for work.
I'm a doorman.
So where are you from?
You're not from New York, right?
- No, I'm from Iowa.
- Iowa? Okay.
I was in Atlanta once.
Iowa's not in the South.
You know that, right?
- I didn't know that.
- Now you know.
I want to ask you out
on a date.
I want to go out on a date with you.
What do you say? Me and you.
I'm a nice guy.
'Cause if you say no,
I'm gonna be there every day... that coffee shop
having breakfast...
...until you say yes to me.
- I'm flattered. I am.
- You are? I'm glad.
I'm flattered, but I'm seeing
somebody right now, so I can't.
Okay. That's a shame.
- Thank you, though.
- You're very beautiful.
- That's very sweet. Thank you.
- All right.
- I've gotta go. Bye.
- Take it easy.
You're very beautiful.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
I feel like a fuckin' asshole.
All right.
That's proof in itself.
I come off gay in this outfit.
My name is Ashley, and I'm 19.
I go to NYU.
What if my family sees this?
Can this tape get out at all?
So that was a lot of fun, huh?
Yeah, it was all right.
What do you mean, "all right"?
What is that?
It was fine, you know?
It was just sex.
What do you mean?
What are you talking about?
It wasn't just sex for me.
It seemed to me you were having
a pretty good time.
Is there something wrong?
Maybe it's just every time
we get together...'s always in some hotel room
and it's only for an hour.
Would you rather
not see me at all?
No, I'd rather see-
I'd rather you were a single guy
that could take me to movies...
...and to dinner...
...instead of some married man
who I have to have sex with...
...during his lunch breaks.
What would you rather have me do?
Would you rather I parade you around
the city so my wife can find out?
Would that make you happy?
Honestly? Yes.
It would, because I'm feeling
pretty damn cheap right now.
You knew what this was
when you entered into it.
You knew I was a married man
and did not want to get divorced.
That was the arrangement,
and you said okay.
If you want to put an end
to it now, fine, let's do it.
You're such an asshole.
Why am I an asshole?
Because I'm honest with you?
Because I'm trying
to help you here?
Besides, what would you
like me to tell my wife?
How 'bout the truth?
That might help, you know.
You've got some dumb young slut
who agrees to have sex with you... hotel rooms
on your lunch break.
She's getting fed up, so you better
smarten up or you might lose her.
- You should tell your wife that.
- That's really nice.
- Are you done?
- No, I'm an idiot.
- Why are you an idiot?
- I'm so fucking stupid.
I'm being kept by a married man
who can't get it up half the time.
- It happened once.
- Twice.
One and a half,
'cause remember, we finished.
Okay? What are you doing here?
What's going on?
Come on. What are you doing?
Are you gonna tell me you've never
had a good time with me over here?
You like this. So do I.
You like the clandestine nature
of it. You told me that.
You told me you liked
going to nice hotel rooms.
Come on.
I'd trade all that just to be able
to walk down the street with you...
...and hold your hand
just once in public.
Maybe that will happen sometime.
- That would be nice.
- Well?
Come on.
- Lance wants to see you.
- Okay, I'll be right there.
Okay. Rinse out for me.
Another late lunch?
- What's going on, Lance?
- Not much.
Just wanted to see how you were.
- Me? Regarding what?
- Just in general.
You seemed a little distracted
I wanted to make sure
everything was all right.
- I'm fine.
- Annie?
- She's fine.
- And the little girl?
- You know.
- Griff.
Why don't you get
a divorce already?
You're not being fair to Annie.
I told you,
I can't get a divorce again.
- Come on.
- Why not?
Because then I'd be
a two-time loser.
Come on, Lance.
If you knew how much money my first
wife took from me every month... would break your heart.
I had to give up the town house.
I can't go through that again.
So you're telling me that you're
just resigned to the fact...
...that you're gonna stay married
to a woman you don't love...
...for the rest of your life?
I love Annie.
That's not what-
How many couples do you know
stay together for a long time...
...and they talk about passion,
the sex, the lust?
It doesn't happen.
After a while, people stay married
for other reasons.
They stay together for
companionship, stability, security.
I mean, that's what happens.
It's normal.
When you get up in the morning,
you look in the mirror... like what you see?
Well, my name is Griffin Eretso.
I'm 39. I'm from the Bronx.
I've been married for six years.
You know,
the thing with Ashley is-
You know, the little girl.
I really love her. I do.
She's great.
What am I gonna do?
I'm married.
I can't get another divorce.
I love spending time with her.
We have a great time together.
She's a great kid, but can I imagine
spending any real time with her?
I mean, maybe. I don't know.
I think that's why I like to
keep it restricted to hotel rooms.
Because we talk a little bit,
we have sex, and then I go.
I guess I never really
have to get to know her because-
That's actually kind of sad,
I guess, but, you know-
What am I gonna do?
I'm married.
Are you guys really moving?
Yeah, you don't want to-
This is a beautiful city.
- Why live anywhere else?
- I'm not saying I dislike the city.
I'm saying I'm
a tad burned out on it.
I need a little nature
now and again.
Central Park isn't cutting
the mustard for him anymore.
Perhaps it's because
I've turned 40.
I'm experiencing this enormous void
in my life. It needs to be filled.
Hello! I got a void right here
that needs to be filled.
You don't seem too concerned
with that.
A little tact, please.
Must you reduce everything
into a conversation about sex?
- I'm sorry. You're right, honey.
- Thank you.
I just thought if I talked about it,
I might get some once in a while.
So has Grizzly Adams here
explained to you... he plans to fill this void?
I've purchased some land upstate.
I'm building a log cabin on it.
You're going to build
a log cabin?
From scratch. Just me, the logs
and some cutting tools.
When I'm finished, I'll retire there
and live out the rest of my days.
- You're gonna retire at age 40?
- Why not?
That's a little extreme.
Tell 'em about the tepee that
I'm gonna sleep in when I visit.
This is good.
Have you heard of the expression,
"Firewood warms you twice.
Once when you cut it
and once when you burn it"?
I'll take half that action.
My point is simply
that I'm looking forward... getting in touch with nature.
I'd give you a week
outside of Manhattan...
...without your little Sunday Times
and box seats at Shea.
- Please.
- Oh, look. She's drunk again.
Harry, I know what you're saying.
I feel the void.
What are you talking about?
Since when do you feel the void?
I've felt it for a while now.
We all focus on the wrong things,
like clothes, money..., stupid crap.
You think of our grandparents going
through wars and the Depression.
They had to think about where
was their next meal coming from...
...could they afford
to keep the apartment heated...
...who's gonna pay for the doctor
when someone got sick.
They were miserable.
They had a reason to be, whereas we,
on the other hand, don't.
I totally agree with you, Annie.
You're so full of shit!
His parents grew up
on Park Avenue.
Once again,
she misses the point completely.
- Oh, wow.
- I'm sorry.
My name's Annie Matthews,
and I'm 29.
I grew up on the Upper East Side
of Manhattan.
I feel very frustrated with
my friends and my life recently.
We live in such a cushy society.
We have no real threats or problems.
So we obsess on these
silly little things.
We create problems, especially
sexual, and I think it's pathetic.
Almost everyone I know
is obsessed...
...with their sexuality
and their sexual life.
All this thinking about it
can't be healthy.
If you just look at the television,
movies, advertising, Internet...
I mean, everyone is just obsessed.
They spend all their time thinking,
talking about their sexual lives.
What would you rather, then,
talk about?
Well, I don't know.
I think there could be deeper things
people could talk about... having a family
and sticking together...
...through good times
and bad times.
But it's always, like,
"He's insensitive" or "She's cold. "
Who really gives a shit
about how many orgasms- many orgasms you can have?
Who cares about love anymore?
Doesn't anyone care about that?
That was a lot of fun.
I guarantee you those two
will be divorced within the month.
Why do you say that?
They've always talked like that.
Harry talking that crap
about his cabin and his void?
The only void that he has is that
he wants to fuck other women.
Why do you say that?
Are you guys such great friends
that he'd confide in you about that?
We've had drinks together.
He starts to drink too much
and he starts to talk.
What are you saying?
Has he cheated on her?
I don't know specifics, but I do
know that one time we went out...
...and he was drinking
and talking... this young bimbo.
He left with her. If anything
happened after that, I don't know.
How could you not tell me
about this earlier?
How can I-
Harry's a friend of mine.
- Since when? I introduced you.
- What does that mean?
Harry can't be my friend too?
No, he can, but your loyalty
should be to Hilary...
...because you knew her first.
You wanna know the truth?
I never liked Hilary.
I don't blame Harry for getting
a little something on the side.
That is so disgusting!
She is my best friend.
Secondly, they're married.
You think that's acceptable behavior
for him to get some on the side?
That's not what I'm saying, but we
have talked about his sex life.
Frankly, she is not
the warmest person.
She is not the most giving, okay?
So a guy like that,
he gets his load on...
...and he wants to find a little
warmth and kindness somewhere else.
Warmth and kindness?
That's fucking gross.
Let me ask you a question-
if our sex life wasn't great... would you feel if I sought out
kindness from some young stud?
But you would never do that, so-
That is not the fucking point.
You're not as affectionate
as you used to be...
...but does that give me the right
to cheat on you?
Why are we having
this conversation?
Can we calm down? It's idiocy.
Let's change the subject.
I don't think it's idiocy to talk
about fidelity and monogamy...
...with the person
you're married to.
If our sex life wasn't great,
would you talk to me about it... we could work on it?
- Or would you just have an affair?
- Have an affair?
Why would you ever think
I would do such a thing?
Maybe because you cheated
on your first wife.
Okay, all right. That's true.
But it was different
because I didn't love her.
I love you,
so it's totally different.
Look, why do you
compare me to Harry?
Harry's a shark.
This is a guy who goes out
and cheats hardworking people...
...out of their hard-earned money
every day of his life.
That's his job.
That's what he does.
You marry a guy like that...
...who's a scumbag in his job,
he's a scumbag in life.
What do I do for a living?
I'm a dentist.
Honey, I can't believe you're-
I'm sorry about what I said
about Hilary before. I am.
I know she's your best friend.
It was very insensitive.
I'm telling you, just don't ever
fucking cheat on me, okay?
I can't believe we're even having
this conversation. It's so silly.
My first wife-
Her name was Sara.
And, yeah, I cheated on her.
We were married three years,
then I started cheating on her.
It wasn't because we weren't
having a good sex life. We were.
It was just
that I have a very...
European outlook on marriage.
I don't necessarily
believe in monogamy.
I love my wife,
I'm with her, we have sex...
...but I have the occasional affair.
It's been done in Italy and France
for years.
I don't know if the Germans do it.
I don't know what they do.
But you know-
So it's a very different life.
That's the kind of life
that I have.
What Annie doesn't know isn't gonna
hurt her, to tell you the truth.
I think it's kind of depressing
You pass thousands of people
on the street every day...
...yet you can still feel
so isolated.
Isolated and alone.
You walk by, you're in a crowd
of people- Millions of people-
...yet nobody knows you, they don't
know what you're going through.
I guess I just feel
kind of melancholy lately.
I'm turning 30 next year...
...and I guess my life just isn't
what I thought it would be.
Excuse me.
- Are you the real estate agent?
- Yes. Annie Matthews.
- Nice to meet you.
- How are you? Tommy.
- Shall we go up?
- Yeah.
It's a great neighborhood. Recently
renovated, 2,500 square feet.
- How many bedrooms?
- Three bedrooms.
- Two and a half baths.
- That's good.
I want to find a big place
like this...
...the kind of house you can
grow old in, raise a family in.
I'm sure your wife would love it.
How many kids do you have?
My wife? I'll let you know
when I meet her.
How many?
Like five, maybe?
Gotta have my starting five.
Do I look like a bunny rabbit?
How am I gonna have five kids?
What about you? Any kids?
You married, though? That's
a wedding ring on your finger.
- Yeah.
- Happy?
Are you writing a book?
I'm sorry.
I'm just trying to make
polite conversation.
- What do you think of this place?
- It's nice. It's big.
But it doesn't feel like me.
It's a little feminine.
We'll keep looking, then.
Where are you runnin' off to?
If you can believe it,
I've got a date tonight.
Good for you.
You got right back out there, kid.
That's great.
Aren't you gonna take a shower?
- You think I need to?
- There's a definite scent there.
I don't know what it is.
Just slap some cologne on.
- You'll be all right.
- I don't like to wear cologne.
Thanks anyway.
I think I'll be fine.
You don't wear cologne?
You'd rather show up on your date
smelling like some barnyard animal.
Just slap some cologne on.
It shows you got a little class.
Don't forget the balls.
- What are you talking about?
- Spray some on your balls.
I won't put cologne on my balls.
You think I'm some sort of savage?
I want you to listen
to me on this.
I can smell your armpits
from here, okay?
What do your balls smell like
when she sticks her face down there?
Just give those bad boys a spritz,
and she'll love it.
Go ahead.
Do what I tell ya.
You're a sick man,
but I'll do it in the next room.
They love it
when the balls smell nice.
Lets them know you care.
Would I have sex
on the first date?
I think I might be starting
to sound like an asshole here...
...but who wouldn't?
I'm not one of those girls...
...that thinks she can't have
a real relationship with a guy...
...if she sleeps with him
on the first date.
You know, that's silly.
I'm all for it, preferably
before going to the movie...
...and paying for the popcorn.
I just think it's weird that
there's this person out there...
...just walking around,
leading their life.
Then you meet them in a bar,
then two or three hours later... have their penis inside you.
That's a little scary.
Well, I was happy,
or I thought I was.
But he thought
we were too young...
...and couldn't see himself being
faithful for the rest of his life.
So what happened?
You got divorced?
Not until I found out that he
was sleeping with other women.
You see? It's so fragile.
I don't know anyone that hasn't
either cheated on their spouse...
- Or been cheated on at some time.
- It's depressing.
What happened? Did you catch him?
How did you find out?
You weren't hitting on her?
No, I was just talking to her.
I was standing right there.
I heard you.
What did you hear?
- You want me to repeat it?
- Yeah.
I didn't say anything that would
warrant these accusations.
Really? Telling someone I work with,
that I have to see every day...
...that she has nice tits
doesn't warrant these accusations?
I didn't say that.
All I'm saying is
that you have really nice breasts.
All right, maybe I said something
like that, but I was only kidding.
- Kidding?
- Yeah.
I was flirting,
but a kidding kind of flirting.
Flirting is one thing.
Trying to fuck my coworker,
that I have a problem with!
Jesus, that is harsh.
So have you been on a lot of dates
since the divorce?
Have you ever heard
of a born-again virgin?
It's been that long?
- Over a year.
- That cannot be healthy.
That's unnatural.
Actually, it's not that bad.
After a while,
you don't miss it so much.
You gotta be kidding me.
You know what's gonna happen?
The minute you get it again,
you're gonna kick yourself...
...for being out of the game
for so long.
It's not like I have
a lot of options out there.
Guys in this city, decent ones,
are few and far between.
What the hell am I,
fucking Doogie Howser over here?
What is that supposed to mean?
Are you offering your services?
I wasn't gonna come right out
and say it, but yeah.
Of course I'd like to, but-
So what do you suggest?
We go to my place, and you help me
with this little problem I've got.
Is that it?
Did I just blow it there?
Did I just totally strike out?
Where do you live?
I actually, you know-
I got a roommate.
Now you're striking out.
32 years old with a roommate?
See, it's just temporary
because my girlfriend kicked me out.
So it's not-
What about you?
Do you live alone?
What'd you say you did for a living?
You're a schoolteacher?
Yeah, I teach the sixth grade.
You see, that's weird.
When you're a kid,
you can't imagine...
...that your sixth-grade teacher
is going out on dates...
...gettin' drunk,
taking guys home.
I just cannot imagine
my sixth-grade teacher...
...lettin' some guy
go down on her at all.
- Why?
- Why?
I don't know.
Maybe because she was a nun.
All right.
I couldn't go through with it
tonight because-
You know, it's just been
since my husband...
...and it was just
a little weird, so-
But that's all.
I just wanted to-
I mean, that's cool.
It's not like I was looking
for a one-night stand or anything.
We can just take it slow.
I mean, I want to see you again.
You wanna see me?
You better, because that was
a very expensive restaurant.
Expensive meal.
Yeah, very expensive dessert,
you know?
But tasty.
That's right.
So he went down on you
on the first date?
Yeah, I know.
What do you think about that?
- Usually that's not a good sign.
- That's what I was thinking.
But he kind of just went for it
before I knew what was happening.
I felt kind of slutty, though.
It's not like you had sex
with the guy, right?
He went down on me.
How was that not sex?
How is that not sex?
You sound like Bill Clinton.
It's just not sex.
It's not.
I'll tell you what I found weird.
Do guys usually put cologne
on their balls?
Did he have it on his balls,
or did he have it on his underwear?
His balls.
That's a little weird.
You wrote a song
for that hot chick at the diner?
- Hot song for a hot chick.
- She said she'd go out with you?
Not really, but I think she liked me
'cause she didn't seem to hate me.
- Where is she from?
- Iowa.
Where the fuck is Iowa?
Dude, I haven't the slightest.
Look, you want some advice?
Don't play her that song.
- Why not?
- 'Cause it's a bubblegum move.
You're gonna embarrass yourself
and the band.
But if you insist,
better make it a duet.
Yeah, but then she falls for you,
and then, you know-
- 'Cause you've got that voice.
- That's what I'm thinkin'.
Hey, Ashley,
Sergeant Pepper's here again.
He's got a guitar with him.
I really hope he's not gonna
be serenading you in here.
He's kinda cute.
He looks like a freak.
What's with the outfit?
- How's it goin'?
- Hi. How you doin'?
- Not so bad. How you doin'?
- I'm doin' good.
- It's a good day.
- I told you I'd be back, right?
Yeah, but you have the guitar
with you.
Yeah. You know what I did?
Last night I went home,
I wrote a song for you.
Now I feel like
it's not the right time.
Might not be a good idea.
I'm a little nervous.
Are you gonna sing,
or is it just the guitar?
If it makes you uncomfortable,
You don't need to do it now.
Come back and play it another time.
I could play a little bit
right now, probably, for you.
- Whatever you want.
- It's a real pretty song.
- What's it called?
- It's called "A Girl Like You. "
A girl like me?
"A Girl Like You. "
Yeah, I know.
I mean, was it written
about a girl like me?
Is this song
about a girl like me?
I wrote it for you.
So, okay.
Wait a second. You said
you have a boyfriend already.
- Yeah.
- I remember you said that.
Maybe I shouldn't play this song.
Might not be right.
It might be like cheating.
Yeah, probably not.
This was weird.
I'll probably-
I'll probably come back
another time, okay?
Oh, no.
You don't have to go.
I have to go.
Ah, I'm stuffed.
But I'll be back
without the guitar.
- Take it easy, you.
- You too.
I got beat up a lot
when I was a kid... I spent most of my time
in my bathroom...
...learning to play guitar
and masturbating.
And now that I'm divorced,
I basically do the same thing.
Too many...
Things I do not care for...
One thing that I adore...
Is a girl like you...
I'm always trying...
To look you in the eye...
It's okay...
A girl like you...
You don't have to worry.
Nobody's gonna recognize you here.
Hope you know
I'm taking a big risk...
...taking you out in public.
Really? Driving us a half hour
out to Brooklyn just to eat dinner?
- I think you're pretty risk-free.
- All right.
We're here to have
a good time, right?
You look very pretty.
Ashley, how's it goin'?
Oh, hi!
Good. How are you?
- You remember me?
- Of course. Ben.
From the coffee shop.
How's it goin'?
Good. What are you doing here?
I'm having dinner
with my grandparents.
- Yeah?
- They're from Burrough Park.
- They're cute.
- I figured I'd take 'em out.
Sorry. Is this your father?
No, this is Griffin,
my dentist.
Griffin, Ben.
Ben, Griffin.
Pleasure. Hi.
All right.
I was goin' to the bathroom.
- See you later.
- Bye.
I forgot something
at my table.
- You look great, really good.
- Thanks. Thank you.
All right.
Nice meeting you. I'm sorry.
Bye, Ben.
He's so sweet.
Who is he?
He's just this musician guy
I used to know.
- You know him or-
- We went out a couple of times.
You did go out with him?
So what happened?
Why didn't it work?
You know, it's really
not very important.
No, I wanna know.
I don't know.
If I tell you, do you promise me
you're not gonna get mad?
Yeah, I promise.
- You promise?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- I totally promise.
I couldn't have sex with him.
I mean, I did have sex with him,
but I couldn't continue.
And now I'm supposed
to ask why, I suppose.
What happened?
He couldn't get it up?
He was too big.
- Excuse me?
- Too big.
That's nice. That's a charming bit
of dinner conversation.
Can we have the check?
You said you weren't gonna get mad.
I don't feel like sitting here
talking about your old boyfriends...
...who have much bigger cocks
than I do, that's all.
- Don't be mad.
- Why wouldn't I be mad?
Would you like me to talk about
my old girlfriends' vaginas?
- You have a very nice-sized one.
- A nice size?
That's very nice. Thanks.
But not like Big Dick Dongo there.
Could we have that check, please?
How we doin' with that check?
Was it serious with that guy?
It was just a fling.
- Just a fling.
- Yeah. It was for fun.
It was strictly physical.
It was nothing.
It was just physical. That's
supposed to make me feel better?
Why are you doing this?
You don't want to know.
I do want to know.
So he and his big cock
were just for fun?
There's no reason for you
to feel threatened.
- I don't feel threatened.
- Honey, I love you.
I don't love him.
You can't get on my case 'cause
you're gonna go home to your wife.
Do you think he's
a better lover than me?
I'm wondering, 'cause maybe that's
the problem we've had lately.
I'm serious.
Maybe you just need, like,
a huge cock to make you happy.
You think that's the problem
we've been having lately?
The problem is that you're married,
and we've been together six months.
Tonight's the first night
you took me on a real date.
That is the problem.
How much bigger is he than me?
That's all I wanna know.
Get off it, will you?
This was nice.
Please leave it be, okay?
Hi, babe.
Are you here?
- How are ya?
- Flowers! What's the occasion?
I need an occasion
to buy flowers for my wife?
Here, I'll put 'em in-
- Where were you all night?
- I was at the gym.
I told you
I was gonna go to the gym.
I decided to go for a swim
afterwards, then I ran into-
What's that smell?
What smell?
I guess it's your new cologne?
Yeah. You don't like it?
No, it's kind of flowery.
Maybe it's the flowers.
- I'm gonna go to bed.
- Anyway- You going to bed?
At the gym tonight, I was looking
through one of those... know, those men's magazines.
They had an article in there
about penis size.
Now, I know you've only been
with a couple of guys.
So you've told me.
But... mine like a nice...
...size or-
I don't know.
I've never compared.
Would you describe it
as big or-
I don't know. Maybe.
Is everything all right?
Yeah. Why?
You just seem different
to me lately.
What do you mean, "different"?
What do you mean?
Well, you're not as affectionate
as you used to be.
When we first got together... could barely
keep your hands off.
Now, you know,
we barely make love.
And we never
just lay around and cuddle.
I know, honey, but I'm sorry.
I'm so busy at work,
and I'm just-
After a while,
things do slow down.
But not for everyone, and I don't
want them to slow down for us.
Why should they?
I'm 30 years old.
I'm not ready
to not have passion in my life.
I know.
I got married 'cause I wanted
to have kids...
...and love and companionship.
The longer we're together, the less
I seem to be getting these things.
So this is about kids?
I mean, yeah, it is about kids,
but it's really more about us.
Well, honey,
I don't want to say anything...
...but compared to most people,
we have a great marriage.
That's what I think.
Oh, God.
Why don't you give me any attention?
Why am I your last priority?
What are you talking about?
I got you flowers.
Honey, come on.
Griffin and I have been
happily married for six years.
I would say that our sex life
is healthy.
It slowed down a little bit,
but we're still passionate.
It's not the sex I miss so much
as the affection.
Annie described your sex life
as passionate. Is that accurate?
No, I would not describe it
as passionate. No, I would not.
I mean, look...
...after a certain amount of time,
things fade.
And anybody who tells you
differently is lying.
If you really think that,
then why don't you say something?
- What should I say?
- I don't know.
I mean, I never liked the guy,
so I would say something like...
"I think you're a selfish,
ignorant misogynist.
I know you're having an affair,
and I want a divorce. "
Who said anything
about a divorce?
You said he came home smelling
of some other woman's pussy.
Perfume. I said perfume.
Perfume, pussy- whatever.
I know when a guy's having
an affair. That's what he's doing.
You've got a couple of options.
You could divorce the prick.
You could stay
and live with it...
...but that's pathetic.
Or you could...
...have an affair yourself.
Do you think that Harry
has ever had an affair?
I think that's what
that log cabin shit was about.
Yeah, he wants
a place to take them.
Why do you stay with him, then?
Or what? Get another divorce?
No way.
God, too much work.
How can you stay with him
knowing he's had an affair?
I don't know.
Because I did the same thing.
You did? Oh, my God!
When? You did?
With my gyno.
Your gynecologist?
Oh, my God.
Isn't that illegal or something?
Are you kidding me?
It's heaven.
Think about it. If there's
one thing that guy knows about-
What does he do?
Annie's problem is
she's an idealist.
She actually believes
all that shit about true love...
...and living happily ever after.
She really believes
there are good guys out there.
She just has to remember
that, you know... are like a disease...
...and, unfortunately...
...most onus have already
been infected.
And as far as I can tell...
...there's no cure.
Are you from New York originally?
Yeah. Queens.
That's not really New York,
is it?
No, that's really New York.
In fact, in my book,
that's the real New York.
Why? Where are you from?
The Upper East Side,
born and raised.
The Upper East Side?
That's not really New York.
What does your dad do for a living?
Is he a Wall Street guy?
He's a lawyer.
What does he have to do
with making this a great city?
We, on the other hand-
the bridge and tunnel crowd...
...the outer borough folk-
we're the ones that built this city.
We gave our blood and guts
to this town.
One of my grandfathers
was a sand hog.
Helped build the Lincoln
and Holland tunnel.
Ended up dying of emphysema
from all the dust.
A grandfather worked construction
on a dozen skyscrapers...
the Empire State Building.
Then he falls to his death
when I'm a kid.
My dad was a cop,
got shot twice while on the job.
My mom is a nurse
up at Harlem Hospital...
...still saving lives every day.
So we really gave
something to the city.
Our blood, our guts, our lives.
We're the ones that made it great.
That's a great story...
...but I can trace my ancestors back
to the original Dutch settlers... the 17th century.
In my book, that's as real
a New Yorker as you can get.
If you grew up
in the outer boroughs... have a greater appreciation
of New York...
...than if you grew up in Manhattan.
We grew up sort of seeing
the city from a distance...
...and feeling the pull of it,
longing for it.
So maybe if you grew up here,
you kind of take it for granted.
Jesus, you weren't kidding.
This is a great space.
I thought you'd like it.
Obviously, it's a raw space.
You'd have to build it out.
It'd cost money.
I don't mean to be rude,
but what do you do for a living?
I produce a television show,
Entertainment This Week.
What do you do there?
We go around to movie premieres
and television shows...
...then we interview all these
asshole celebrities...
...about who they're fucking and
how much they're getting overpaid...
...then try and help them sell
their latest piece-of-crap product.
- So you really like this job.
- You know what it is?
When I got out of college,
I wanted to be a writer...
...maybe go into journalism
or maybe even be a novelist.
But the only job I could get
was answering phones at the show.
So here it is, ten years later,
I'm making a pile of dough...
...and it's hard to imagine
walking away...
...even though I know
it'd be the best thing for me.
Sounds like my marriage.
So are you writing anything now?
Every time I try and get started,
something comes up from work...
...and I just get distracted.
Maybe one day I'll be in Barnes
& Noble and see one of your books.
And I'll pick it up.
That'd be nice.
So anyway, there's this view
over here I really want you to see.
I'm beginning to think you're not
really looking for an apartment.
You think I'm just using this
as an excuse to flirt with you?
Are you flirting with me?
I was hoping it was obvious, but
I guess I'm not doing a good job.
You did say you were married,
- Yeah.
- That sucks.
- I shouldn't be flirting with you.
- No, you shouldn't.
Well, I should get going.
I gotta get back to the office.
But if I see anything,
I'll call you.
Yeah, 'cause, you know-
All right.
- Okay, bye.
- Call me, though.
So I am going out with the guy
from the video store again tonight.
Oh, second date.
The pressure's on.
So are you gonna
have sex with him?
I don't know.
- Do you think I should?
- I definitely think you should.
This time, give him a little advice.
No more cologne on the balls.
Oh, come on.
It wasn't that bad.
No, it was disgusting.
How many sexual partners
have you had in your life?
Not entirely enough.
But I'm working on it. Right now,
that's what I'm working on.
I think it's seven.
Eight. Is that bad?
I'm 19.
That sounds really bad.
What, are you kidding me?
I'm a 39-year-old man.
How could I possibly remember?
I don't know.
A hundred? Two hundred and fifty?
I don't know.
That's the great thing
about New York.
You walk down the street
and you encounter... a thousand potential
sexual partners every day.
A walk to the deli
can be very erotic.
I know it sounds pathetic,
but I've had three.
I got married early.
I was 22 years old.
But, you know,
one of them is my husband.
Not too many. I don't know.
Like nine or ten.
I was always one of those guys
that's been in a series...
...of long-term relationships.
I never really had the opportunity
to put up the big numbers.
Seventeen, but, you know,
there was no one-night stands.
I just dated a lot, so-
Oh, Jesus.
That's the greeting I get now?
If I find you outside my door, yes.
What are you doing here?
- It's not like I'm stalking you.
- Yes, it is.
I can't find my keys.
I gave you a spare set.
I thought,
for emergencies like this-
Okay, hold on.
I'll get them for you.
- I should have seen that coming.
- Gonna introduce me to your friend?
Tommy, this is
my ex-husband Benjamin.
- Ben, this is Tommy.
- How you doin', man?
I'm doing good.
- That's a nice jacket.
- Thanks.
Can I talk to you
for a second in private?
Maria, this is very important.
We have some talking to do.
You think I'm someone who needs
to explain myself to you.
Pal, would you give us
a second here in private?
- She'll be right back.
- Benjamin, no.
If you want to talk to me,
do it out here.
Otherwise, I'll go get your keys
and you can call me in the morning.
I'll wait out here.
Tommy, would you like
to come inside?
No, I'll wait out here
with my pal.
- Get to know him.
- Fine.
So where are you located?
I'll call you tomorrow.
- You're welcome, Benjamin.
- Thanks.
I'm so sorry.
Look, you don't have any diseases
that I should know about, right?
Why? You got any diseases
I should know about?
Are you sure?
I swear. Are you sure?
Yeah, I'm sure.
I just had a test.
Well, that's good.
You really should have thought
to bring a condom, though.
Yeah, look, I'm sorry.
It was only a second date.
I didn't think we'd get this far.
Yeah, well-
I'm really sorry
to have to hurry you...
...but I've really got to get to work.
You got to get to work?
I thought you were a schoolteacher.
Yeah. So?
Yeah, well, today's Sunday, right?
Yeah, well...
I'm taking the class
on a school trip...
...and we're going to the zoo, so-
Why don't you take this one?
I'll wait for the next one.
No, I can't do that.
You said you gotta get to work, so-
Don't worry about it.
Come on. You got
the kids waiting, right?
I'll get the next one.
See you around.
With Maria, quite honestly,
I don't know what happened.
Went out a couple times.
I thought we had a good time.
Obviously, we must've.
We had sex
the second time we went out.
I think I got a little freaked out
sleeping with another guy.
It's not like I didn't like him.
I hadn't slept with anyone
since Benjamin.
It just got me a little scared.
After that, she tried
to kick me out of the house.
I called her a bunch of times.
She never called me back.
I guess I got the hint
and stopped calling.
How did you feel when you
saw Maria and Tommy together?
My pal? My pal Tommy. Yeah.
It's terrible she'd let
a guy like that into her home.
That's the apartment
I shared with her.
To think that that guy was showering
under the showerhead I installed...
...makes me very angry.
You actually pay attention
to your horoscope?
I read it every day.
It's actually pretty accurate.
Accurate? In what way?
It keys me into what
to watch out for in life.
Why I may be feeling
a particular way on a certain day.
What did today's tell you?
See what it says.
It said- Yeah, right.
"You have had your fill
of certain people.
Make a clean break.
There are, however,
changes in the air.
A person in uniform
could deliver the key... your love life and happiness. "
Get out of here.
It says that?
That's me! That is me.
You know what? That's me.
I am the man in the uniform
that can deliver...
...the key to your love life
and your happiness.
I wear a uniform.
Unless it's your mailman.
What kind of relationship
do you have with him?
Her. So you don't have to worry.
You know what?
You said you don't buy into
the whole astrology thing.
So, therefore,
this does not apply to us.
- I never said-
- Yes, you did.
I never said I didn't buy
into astrology.
I said I was
a little suspect of it.
What is this, the Daily News?
I'm sure it's
a very accurate reading.
What does it say? That you
should make a "clean break. "
See that? What do you think
about that part of it?
Like I said,
it helps me make decisions.
How did you end up
with this guy that you're with?
The man is married.
He's a dentist, right?
He's also a hundred years old... he's got three major strikes
against him.
In my eyes,
three strikes, you're out.
- You know what I mean?
- Yeah, I know what you mean.
It was really simple.
I was sitting in the park one day,
and he came up to me and hit on me.
Are you a model?
If I were a model, why would I
be sitting here studying right now?
That's very funny.
You should be if you're not
because you're very beautiful.
You have a very different look.
You're not a classic beauty.
I think you have the look
of the new millennium.
- "The look of the new millennium"?
- Yeah.
You are kidding, right?
I'm not kidding. I'm serious.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, I think you do.
Look at your nose.
You have a beautiful nose.
- I had it fixed when I was 13.
- Really?
- They did a great job.
- Thanks.
I'm Griffin, by the way.
- Ashley.
- Nice to meet you. Beautiful name.
What do you say?
Will you let me
take you out sometime?
- Aren't you married?
- Married? Why do you say that?
Where do you get that from,
that I'm married?
You have a ring on your finger.
Isn't that a ring?
Well, technically I'm married, yeah,
but I'm not really married.
We have an understanding.
So is this understanding
between you and your wife...
...or you and your dick?
That's very funny.
You're very funny.
The man is, what, 39 years old?
How old are you? Nineteen.
When you were in fifth grade,
he was 32.
When he was my age,
you were just being born.
Or like when-
Let's say when you-
I get the point.
You have to admit, as you get older,
the age gap does shorten.
Maybe if you were 60 and he was 80,
it wouldn't seem so weird.
But, honestly, I thought
he was your father.
I bet a lot of people think that.
You know, we don't really go out
a whole lot in public.
You'd be surprised. Most young girls
do wanna go for older guys...
...because most young guys just wanna
screw as many girls as possible.
They don't want a commitment.
They just want a lot of conquests.
Here you go.
What kind of commitment
does a married guy give you?
So what would I be to you?
What, just another notch
on your belt?
Ashley, are you kidding me?
Are you crazy?
Do you know
that I would marry you?
I would marry you today
if you say yes to me. I swear.
Come on. Let me take you out
on a date. Great time.
I'm the man in the uniform,
you know?
What do you say? Please?
Yeah? Really?
Why are you wearing handcuffs?
Crazy girl, bad breath, no sex,
and she lost the key.
That's not good.
No, that's not good,
not good at all.
You still after that waitress
who is so way beyond your league?
As a matter of fact,
I have a date with her this weekend.
That's great.
No, I'm happy for you.
Douche bag.
- Crazy girl, bad breath, no sex
- Don't. Don't.
And she lost the key...
Don't push my buttons.
I'm really right here.
I don't know if he has a problem,
but I gotta tell you...
...after his divorce
he was like fucked up in the head.
It was like he wanted to screw
everything that wasn't nailed down.
But that's not Ben.
Ben, really, he wants to be in
a monogamous relationship, you know?
I hope it works out
with that waitress.
- I definitely don't think so.
- This is very upsetting.
- These are some classic albums.
- It's not my kind of music.
How do you not know these albums?
These are records that shaped rock
'n' roll and the world we live in.
I don't listen to this kind of
music. This is your kind of music.
All these guys, they're dead.
They're all dead. They were dead
before I was even born.
Morrison and Hendrix, yeah.
But like the Rolling Stones-
Only one guy died really early on
in the Rolling Stones.
They replaced him,
and they were still great.
I think that
the most mandatory album...
...if we're gonna start
a record collection for you... Exile on Main Street.
Like, this is a no-brainer.
And, like, we're gonna have to get
some Zeppelin for you...
...because otherwise-
Here, Zeppelin I.
This is possibly the greatest-
No, it is possibly the greatest
debut album of all time.
Except, of course-
Greetings from Asbury Park.
You have to have this.
- You have to have this, okay?
- New Jersey.
You're good. You're set here.
You're so good now.
Are you sure I'm gonna like these?
There's 80 zillion records in here.
I am positive. Honestly, if you
don't like these, you have problems.
We're gonna have problems here.
If you can't see
the beauty and the poetry...
...and the majesty...
...and, like, the brilliance
of these albums...
...then I don't know
what's wrong with you.
You have a deficiency
in your soul or something.
I'm only kidding.
I'm only kidding you.
- Can I be honest with you?
- I hope you're always honest.
I am, totally. But I think
that this is really important.
I think you're the most beautiful
woman I've ever known.
You're kind. You're so sweet.
And I think I'm falling
in love with you.
Benny, you're sweet.
- You're just saying that.
- You're sweet, sweet, sweet.
- You are.
- I'm not that sweet.
I'm really a savage.
I'm a fucking wild man.
You just have to let me show you
that side of myself.
No, I like the sweet side.
I know enough savages already.
Yeah, but I'm a savage
with a very sweet side.
Plus, I'm the man in the uniform.
- All right?
- Yeah.
I told you that I would
make more time for you.
I took you out to dinner.
No, it's not that.
It's just that
I'm not happy anymore.
What do you want me to do?
I cannot get a divorce.
I don't want you to do anything.
I just don't want to be
with you anymore.
- Did you meet somebody else?
- No.
Come on. Who's the guy?
Did you meet some other guy
with a big cock?
Nobody you'd know.
There is somebody else.
What is he?
Some little kid that you
go walking in the park with?
You hold his hand
and go to the movies with...
...and then you hold
his huge cock in the movie?
I don't think you're
in a position to tell people...
...what they can and can't do...
...or who they can
and can't be with.
My position is
a little different.
I can't just stop
seeing my wife.
- You're gonna regret this.
- Maybe.
But I doubt it.
Everything all right, Griff?
What do you think? That little girl
is driving me crazy.
Why do you keep
doing this to yourself?
How many girls do you have to screw
before you realize you can get laid?
I don't think the patient
in the back room heard you.
- What was that?
- Nothing.
I'll be right there, Mrs. Bass.
Do me a favor, Carol.
Send one dozen flowers... the Washington Square Street
address with a note...
...that says, "I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. What can I do?"
Where's my flowers?
- Your flowers?
- Yeah.
Don't start with me, okay?
Please don't.
Please. I mean, with you
and then Sigmund Freud over there-
- Doctor.
- I'm coming, Mrs. Bass.
I'm ready for
that extraction now.
- Wait a second. Wait.
- What's wrong?
- What's wrong?
- Nothing.
Just move down.
Move down a little lower.
There you go.
Is that it?
- No, you're not going in there.
- I'm not trying to.
I could use a compass, though.
It's weird. I've never
made love with a virgin.
You're real cute.
Let me enter because I'm
about to splooge as it is.
What is that?
Who the fuck is that?
Should I get it?
I'm gonna get it.
Don't go get the door.
Who in the fuck is this?
Could be important.
- Go away!
- I want to talk to you.
- I don't want to talk to you.
- Well, too fucking bad about you.
- Let me in. Come on.
- No.
- I'm busy. Get the fuck out.
- What do you mean, you're busy?
What do you mean? You got
that little queer boyfriend there?
Get the fuck away from the door!
Get away!
You don't understand.
I'm going to leave my wife.
- Can I tell you that I don't care?
- What do you mean?
- I don't care.
- You don't care?
You break up my marriage
and you tell me you don't care?
Open the fuckin' door!
Open the fuckin' door!
Open this fucking door!
Open this fucking door right now!
Who the fuck is in there with you?
- Get away from the fucking door!
- This is what you do?
After everything I've done for you,
this is how you treat me?
That's nice.
This building is like
Sodom and Gomorrah tonight.
You girls need a hand over there?
Fuck off, scumbag.
Nice, nice.
- Where have you been all night?
- I was at the gym.
- Again?
- Yeah, yeah.
- I have to talk to you.
- What, honey?
This is hard for me to say,
because I'm afraid of...
...what the answer might be...
...but I just can't live feeling
like I'm feeling and not saying it.
Are you having an affair?
What? Am I having an affair?
Why would you say such a thing?
How can I not ask you? You're
not available emotionally anymore.
You come home late some nights
and you immediately take a shower.
We barely make love.
You never talk about having kids.
You came home that one night,
and you smelled like perfume.
I hear you having late-night
phone conversations whispering.
All right.
I can understand
from where you're sitting...
...that it would seem like that...
...but I have a good excuse for every
single thing that you just said.
Number one:
Lance is working my ass off at work.
So when I come home,
I'm just tired.
When I come home late, I come right
from the gym and I shower here...
...because you know I don't like
to shower in front of other men.
As far as the perfume goes,
I told you it was my cologne.
If you don't want me to wear it,
I'll get rid of it...
I'll never wear it again.
And as far as
the phone call goes...
I was probably talking to Harry
about his goddamn sex life...
...and I didn't wanna wake you up.
Then why, after six years
of marriage...
...are you suddenly so concerned
about the size of your penis?
I read that article.
I told you about the article I read
in the magazine, the men's magazine.
The average size
of the penis is, you know-
- Are you fucking someone else?
- Stop with that question!
Some girl looking at your penis, and
you're wondering if it's big enough?
You never worried
about that with me.
I'm worried about it with you.
- You don't seem worried.
- I am worried.
If you were worried, then you'd
come home right after work...
...and not three hours later
and leave me here alone.
I'm doing penis exercises
at the gym.
That's really funny.
So you think that
everything seems normal?
I'm not saying
everything seems normal.
It seems like it is
what I just told you...
...which is, mostly I'm tired.
I won't go to the gym anymore.
I just won't.
Forget it.
I'll just come right home,
you know.
That's an indulgence I give myself
because it makes me feel better.
If you don't want me to do it,
I won't do it. It's fine.
- I'll wake up early and exercise.
- So are you happy?
Am I happy? I'm exhausted.
I'm exhausted,
but other than that I'm happy.
You're really happy?
I'm not saying
that I'm really happy.
But I'm saying
that I'm tired, you know.
Yeah. I'm tired too.
Is it love or sex that makes us
so confused in our relationships?
Well, I think that it's sex
because, you know... is either there or it's not.
And I think sex
can be tricky sometimes.
Is it love or sex
that fucks us up?
Maybe it's the love of sex
that fucks us up.
I don't know.
I'm not screwed up.
I think people have a problem
mixing up the two together...
...and mistaking one for the other.
I don't have that problem.
I don't know.
I'm Catholic, so probably sex.
What are you doin' here?
- Hi.
- How you doin'?
How are you?
I'm good, I'm good.
- What do you got there?
- I heard it was good.
Yeah. It's great.
He's a terrific writer.
Is everything all right?
You seem a little down.
No, I just have
a lot on my mind.
- Can I ask you a personal question?
- Yeah, sure.
You've had a long-term
girlfriend, right?
Did you ever cheat on her?
No. No, not really.
What do you mean, "not really"?
Either you did or you didn't, right?
...define, you know, cheating.
Having sex with someone
other than your girlfriend.
You mean sex, like in- penetration?
So you may have kissed somebody...
...but you didn't actually have sex
with them, or intercourse?
No, we definitely
did not have intercourse...
...but we did kiss, so-
Well, in my book,
that is cheating.
Look, in my book too.
I'm sorry it
ever happened, but-
Why did you do it? Were you
not attracted to her anymore?
Look, I don't think people cheat...
...because they're not attracted
to somebody anymore.
You cheat because you're not in love
anymore. That's why you cheat.
I think my husband
is having an affair.
Why do you think that?
Little things.
Little things like what?
Coming home late.
A suspicious weekend meeting
out of town.
Late-night phone calls
where I hear him whispering.
One time he came home,
he smelled like perfume.
He said it was his new cologne.
And you only think
he's having an affair?
I confronted him, and he denied it.
But he can be very convincing.
Are you even happy
with this guy?
Then why stay with him?
Even if he wasn't cheating on you,
why stay in an unhappy marriage?
My parents got a divorce
when I was a kid...
...and I never forgave them for not
trying harder to stay together.
I didn't wanna be like them,
to be that kind of person.
I think you gotta
give yourself a break.
It's not your fault
your husband's a scumbag.
I'm sorry to say that,
but if he's cheating on you, he is.
I'm sure there's thousands of guys
who would die to go out with you.
If you divorce this prick,
you call me that day.
I'll jump on a plane no matter
where I am in the country.
I'll fly back here.
I'll take you out that night.
So you think I should go
from an unfaithful husband... a guy who thinks that kissing
a girl other than his girlfriend... not considered cheating?
It's not like
I'm defending those actions.
I know that that was
a scumbag thing to do.
- Do you think you'd do it again?
- I know I wouldn't.
I felt lousy when it happened.
I was just being honest with you.
Well, you know... my book, even talking
like this is inappropriate... I should get going.
- All right. I understand.
- Thank you for listening, though.
I'll see you next time we get
an apartment to look at.
Sometimes I think
I'm really a priss.
My friends don't think
cheating is such a big deal.
And I think maybe I'm
too uptight in my views.
But then I think, you know...
...these people would not be that
deceitful to one of their friends.
People cheat 'cause they're afraid.
The world is run by fear,
my friend. Fear.
Everybody out here, they're afraid.
That guy's afraid. You're afraid.
I'm gonna tell you something
that my dad told me...
...after I got divorced
from my first wife...
...who was absolutely,
you know, gorgeous.
He said, "Show me
a good-looking woman...
I'll show you a guy
who's tired of fucking her. "
Men and women are very different
when it comes to sex.
Men seem to think that it's an
impossibility to be with one person.
Probably because they're pigs.
This is a married girl
you're talking about.
Why would you even fool around
with something like that?
- I got a good feeling about it.
- You got a good feeling about it.
Oh, boy. I get a good feeling
about almost every girl that I see.
It's different. There's something
kind of sad about her.
It's like this wounded bird
you want to take care of.
Really? Is that right?
Excuse me, but who the hell are you
to be taking care of anybody?
If I'm not mistaken, you're
still living in my apartment...
...and you're in no position
to take care of somebody.
Tommy, you're not a savior.
And I'm sure this chick
don't need or want your saving.
Look, I mean, it's not like
I was hitting on her.
I was talking to her,
and it felt good. I just-
I want you to trust me
on something.
I'm gonna speak
from experience here.
I am as big a dog
as there is, okay?
But it is not a good idea
to fool around with married women.
It's bad karma, kid.
What about that girl, Maria?
- Maria, the schoolteacher?
- Yeah.
I took her on a couple of dates.
She never called me back.
Totally gave me the brush.
Tommy, let me explain
something to you, okay?
I'm gonna speak to you like a son.
Chicks don't brush guys off.
Guys brush chicks off, okay?
That's just the way it is.
- How you been?
- How've you been?
You know, I've been better.
I called you a couple of times.
I never heard back from you.
- I meant to call you back.
- Yeah?
But you just never
got around to it?
You know what?
Seriously, don't sweat it at all.
- It's cool.
- No, but I really-
I wanted to apologize.
I'm sorry.
Really, it's- You know.
It's cool.
I get it, you know.
I'll see you around.
Look, did I screw it up somehow?
I thought we had
a good time that night.
And then in the morning
you're rushing off...
...saying you had to go
to the zoo or something.
What happened?
- Nothing. I just-
- Did we not have a good time?
No, I had a great time.
It has nothing to do with you.
It was not your fault.
I got a little freaked out.
I'd really like it
if you called me again.
- Are you sure? I mean-
- Yeah.
It's not just 'cause
you ran into me?
- I won't get the machine?
- No.
Unless I'm not home.
Can't promise I'll be home.
Look, really, I just-
All right.
I'll call then.
I'll call you next week,
but, you know-
- You better, you know-
- I will.
- Don't play with me.
- I won't.
I don't know. I think...
...maybe I should get
a second opinion.
Well, Maria, I've got some good news
and some more good news.
What would you like
to hear first?
I guess I'll pick the good news.
Your AIDS test is negative.
That is good news.
- And the other good news?
- You're pregnant.
What the fuck are you doing here?
I just want you to know
that I want to be with you...
...and I'm willing to leave Annie.
I don't want to break up
your marriage, okay?
What do you mean?
That's what I thought you wanted.
You thought that I wanted that?
I never fucking wanted that!
I just wanted to see you.
The only reason you're outside
my apartment, telling me this... because you can't have me.
- That's not true.
- Yeah, it is.
I am here because I love you.
- Come here.
- Get the fuck off of me.
Will you at least think about it?
Will you at least
think about it?
It's Maria. Please leave a message
and I'll call you back.
Maria, how you doin'?
It's Tommy.
I called you a couple of times
already. I figured I'd try again.
I thought at the video store
you wanted to get together...
...but maybe I was mistaken.
So, look. All right.
I hope you're good, and I'll
see you around, whenever.
All right. Take it easy.
You're so sweet.
I love you so much.
Excuse me.
Are these yours?
This disgusting thing
with the spots on it.
Are you the proud owner of these?
Yes and no.
- They were Griffin's.
- I'm gonna vomit.
- Are you kidding?
- No, I'm not kidding.
I think if this relationship
has any chance of surviving...
...we should consider
burning these immediately.
- What's wrong?
- Nothing.
Listen, if there's something wrong,
you should talk to me.
Nothing's wrong.
I already told you.
Don't worry about it.
All right? Come on.
- You don't think I can tell?
- It's nothing.
It's not nothing.
Just talk to me.
We talked fine before.
Can we have some silence
for a little while?
We've had silence
for the past fuckin' ten minutes!
Why do we have to talk?
I don't know what's wrong with me.
What, you're crying now?
Calm down, first of all.
- Why are you crying?
- I don't wanna calm down.
Come on. I can understand.
I just need a little bit
of space right now.
What do you mean, "space"?
This is just too much too quickly.
I don't know how to deal with it.
You breaking up with me?
What are you doing to me?
One second you like me,
and the next second you don't.
I'm sorry.
You can't play games
with people like this.
What is it? It's this dentist,
right? You wanna go back to him.
He's your man, right?
I'm sorry I stepped in between.
You should have told me that
a long time ago.
Give me the bag, please.
You're being so stupid.
- Please give me the bag.
- Don't you see how great this is?
- Don't you see how great this is?
- Yes!
Don't run away from me.
You don't wanna talk to me now?
You're gonna run home?
Please go home, okay?
I'm goin' home.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
I'm a nice Jewish kid from Brooklyn.
These kind of things
shouldn't be happening to me.
It shouldn't be this hard for me.
But that's life.
One second we're having such
a good time, we're falling in love.
Then the next second, out of
the blue, she drops this shit on me.
I should just forget about women,
stay home and play with myself.
- You told her you loved her?
- Yeah. So?
So what are you, a fucking retard?
Jesus, that's why
she dumped your sorry ass.
She was just looking to fuck, and
you gotta throw the "love" at her...
...screw the whole thing up.
I'm not a retard, all right?
And I do love her, man.
When are you gonna start thinking
rock star and acting rock star?
- Hold on.
- What?
Let's just take it slow, okay?
I want you.
Don't you wanna talk?
Let's talk.
Well, yeah, I mean- But I only
have an hour for lunch, so-
We can talk, but-
You don't love me, Griff.
- Yes, I do.
- No, you don't.
- What are you talking about?
- You don't love anybody.
- What do you mean, I don't?
- You use people.
You used me.
You used your wife.
- What do you mean, I "use people"?
- You use everybody.
That's the way the world works.
People use each other.
They take from each other
what they need to make them happy.
You use me to make you happy.
I use you to make me happy.
You've gotta give back
a little bit sometimes.
I don't give back at all?
I told you that I love you,
that I'd leave my wife for you.
I sent you flowers last week.
What are you talking about?
- What are you doing? Come here.
- I gotta go.
This is the same old shit,
and I'm sick of it.
You're sick of what?
What exactly are you sick of?
Why is it the same old shit?
I told you things were gonna change.
What are you talking about?
- Is this about what's-his-name?
- His name is Ben.
Well, is this- Fuck Ben!
Fuck you!
And fuck you too!
Wait a minute. Come here.
Hilary and I have something
we'd like to say to both of you.
First, we would like to apologize
for the way we've behaved.
Yeah. You both know
our relationship has been a mess...
...and that we've each
screwed up pretty badly.
And I know you know
what I'm talking about.
But we've decided to, you know,
go to therapy and save our marriage.
And everything's better,
much better now.
We're working on my void.
Harry's gonna sell
the property upstate...
...and the logs and the power tools.
And Hilary's getting
a new gynecologist... she promises
not to fornicate with.
And that's about it.
How are you guys doing?
You know, we're doing good.
Right? I mean-
- So what do you think about that?
- About what?
About doing what Harry and Hilary
did, going to a marriage counselor?
Do you think I'm a fucking moron?
How long have you
been cheating on me?
Wait. Honey, wait.
- Look, I love you.
- No, you don't love me.
Love means respecting
and caring about someone.
It doesn't mean sneaking around
and fucking some slut!
Shut up, okay?
I want someone who's gonna love me
and who thinks I'm great...
...and who'll make me feel beautiful...
...and who will wanna hold me,
the way you used to.
But not now when you think
I'm a nuisance...
...if I want to make love
or even talk.
I'm fucking tired of it.
I know you're having an affair.
But it's over...
...and I want a divorce.
Wait a minute. Wait.
And to answer your question..., I would not
describe it as big.
I didn't even know I was gonna
do it, but I went with it.
I just said, "What the hell," and I
said it and I've never felt so good.
I didn't even know what I was
gonna do, but I just felt relief... this huge weight
was lifted off my shoulders.
I felt so good.
You're looking for Tommy?
Sure, come on in.
Is he here?
Well, you see, Tommy did live here,
but he doesn't live here anymore.
He moved out about a week ago.
You must be Maria.
You must be-
The man who taught him
everything he knows.
I kind of have something
really important to tell him.
- Do you have his new address?
- Yeah, I do have his new address.
But can I offer you a drink?
No, thank you. I really-
Does he live around here?
You hungry or want to listen to some
Montovani, or something like that?
No, thank you.
The address will be fine.
All right.
I'll give you his address, but...
...if it doesn't work out
with the kid...
...well, you know where to find me.
You just have to ask
yourself one simple question:
Do you want to sit up
on the porch with the pup...
...or do you wanna run in the yard
with the big dog?
The address, please.
That would be great.
You got it.
- Carpo.
- You got it.
What are you doing here?
I got your address from Carpo.
I wanted to tell you something.
Regarding what?
Us, I guess.
Look, I gotta be honest with you.
I mean, I can't say that I'm
really so interested anymore.
You know? I mean, it's just-
After I saw you at the video store
and you asked me to call you...
I called you a bunch of times...
...and I never heard back
from you, again.
Yeah, I wanted to-
I don't know,
apologize for that.
- I'm sorry for not calling you.
- Look, I'm sorry too.
So what is so important
that you needed to talk to me?
I wanted to tell you
that I'm leaving.
I got this out-of-town job
It's great.
I'm leaving. I'm moving.
That's it.
I don't know what to say.
I guess, good luck?
Thank you.
I'll see you around.
Or maybe not, right?
Good luck.
I just realized
I don't even know your last name.
It's Reilly.
What about you?
We probably should have gotten that
out of the way a little earlier.
- Yeah.
- Good luck.
Yeah, you too.
Take care.
So why didn't you tell Tommy
you're pregnant with his baby?
I showed up at his door.
I was gonna ring the buzzer
and go up there...
...and, you know, tell him.
Then I realized
I didn't know his last name.
I didn't know what buzzer to press.
Reality is that we were supposed
to have a one-night stand.
It went a little awry.
I got pregnant.
But that doesn't mean
that we should be together.
It was weird when she
showed up at my apartment... tell me she was moving
out of town.
I don't know what that was about.
What's with you?
I'm tired of looking
at your sour puss.
What's my horoscope say for today?
"Today would be a good day
to get up off your ass...
...and admit that you're a coward...
...and make up with the special someone
who'll make you very happy. "
Does it really say that?
Does it matter?
What are you doing here?
- Do you hate me?
- No. No, just the opposite.
- Do you hate me?
- No, I don't hate you.
- Do you love me?
- Yes.
Every night I'm crying.
I can't eat.
I'm sorry.
You gotta eat.
I love you. You know that?
You know, you paid for an hour.
Is there anything else
you want me to do?
Would you mind doing the dishes?
- Fuck you.
- Wait. I'm only kidding.
Come here. I'm only kidding.
You wanna stay and talk
for a little bit?
It's okay.
Just call him up and ask him out.
Maybe I should just wait
until I show him an apartment.
Why would you wait?
What's his number?
I'm not gonna call him now.
Yes, you are.
What's his number?
You are not gonna call him.
Give me the number.
If you really want me to call,
I'll call him.
Do it.
Thomas Reilly.
- It's Annie.
- Annie?
- Annie who?
- Annie from the real estate office.
- Yeah. Hey, how you doin'?
- Good. How are you?
I'm good. I meant
to call you last week...
...because I found an apartment
through a buddy of mine.
So I'm not gonna need
to look at any more spaces.
Well, you know, what's up?
Well, I was just wondering-
I had this really great apartment
that I really wanted to show you.
But if you've already found
a place, then that's okay.
I'll talk to you soon.
What the hell was that?
I just didn't feel right about it.
You're such a wimp.
I'm gonna call him.
No, don't call him. Please.
I'll call him later, I promise.
Thomas Reilly.
It's Annie again.
Listen, the real reason
I was calling is...
I wanted to know if you would go
to dinner with me on Saturday night.
What happened with your husband?
- Are you still with him?
- No.
He was an asshole.
And he has a small dick.
All right.
Well, in that case, yeah.
I'd love to go out to dinner.
Great. I'll call you Friday.
Gotta go.
Call him Friday.
The date's on Saturday.
After you get divorced,
it's like... never think
you'll fall in love again.
You never think you'll find
this kind of love.
I look back on
my relationship with Griffin...
...and I realize definitely that I was
in a bad place at the time.
Very bad. But if I didn't go through
that, I might not be ready for this.
There are no wrong choices.
As long as you have
the faith to make a choice...
...then it's gotta be right,
no matter where it leads you.
- I chose wisely, I think. Right?
- I think so too.
- Is that all you need?
- Is that okay?
Well, after I got over
the initial shock...
I knew I wanted this baby.
Everyone was telling me
I shouldn't do it...
...but I'm tired of listening to
everyone else telling me what to do.
I did the marriage thing. I'm not
gonna wait around for someone.
I already have someone.
So, it wasn't much of a decision.
What? What else do you wanna know?
Is there anything else
you wanna know?
What I don't like
about love or sex?
Is that what you wanna know?
Forget it.
I never thought I'd be the kind
of person to get divorced.
I grew up with these ideas
of love everlasting...
...but I guess these things happen.
And I just feel excited...
...about getting on
with the rest of my life.
I feel hopeful.
I feel relieved, very relieved.
I was really sick of him, really.
I don't know.
I don't think anybody has
any of the answers to any of this.
Sex and love,
it's all so complex.
If we had answers, all of us would
be in these great relationships...
...but so few of us are.
We're all searching
for that thing...
...and we have so much trouble
finding it...
...but, who knows, maybe that's part
of the fun of the whole thing.