Sixteen Candles (1984) Movie Script
[Radio Announcer]
It looks good.
On the northwest toll,
eastbound trafflc is moving
nicely this morning...
from Beecham Road
down to River Road.
Westbound, there's now a 20-car
backup at the Devon Avenue toll.
And on the northbound l-290
extension at Thorndale Avenue,
we had a spinout there.
And that car was blocking
the right-hand lane...
and also blocking the lane
that's coming off of the, uh,
eastbound Thorndale Avenue
entrance ramp...
leading to the northbound,
uh, l-290 extension.
- This was causing a backup
to Irving Park. We have...
- [Paper Bangs Door]
[Alarm Blaring]
Come on, chop-chop.
We got relatives
invading this afternoon.
Ginny, Mike, Sara, Sam!
Come on. Everybody up!
"[Loud Rock]
Oh, I think
I have a fever.
You don't have
a fever.
Shut your face.
Make me.
[Phone Ringing]
Dad,
Mike hit me!
[Mike] You liar.
Mike, come on, pal.
We got a wedding tomorrow.
Try to cooperate,
will ya?
Dad, I didn't hit her.
I'd like to very much,
and I probably will later,
but gimme a break.
You know my method.
I don't hit her when
you're just down the hall.
Pick on someone
your own size.
Open this door.
Daddy, I'm the one
getting married.
[Dad]
Not until tomorrow. I've got
a mouthful of toothpaste.
I happen to have
a serious problem.
Dad.
She got her period.
Should make for
an interesting honeymoon, huh?
- Where are you learning
that stuff?
- School.
Good. Gettin'
my money's worth.
[Radio Announcer]
They were fantastic. Just great.
What a great crowd.
And it was so much fun...
[Man] 'It's a good thing
you don't have busfare '
'It would fall through the hole
in your pocket and you'd lose it '
'In the snow on the ground '
' You gotta walk into town
to flnd a job '
' You're trying to keep
your hands warm '
"[Continues]
Chronologically, you're 16 today.
Physically,
you're still 15.
[Sighs]
Hopeless.
Nope. I look exactly the same
as I have since summer.
Utterly forgettable.
No, I didn't expect
to wake up transformed.
I just thought that turning 16
would be so major...
that I'd wake up
with an improved mental state
that would show on my face.
All it shows is that I don't
have any sort of a tan left.
[Sighs]
I better get downstairs.
My family's probably pissed off
I haven't let them wish me
happy birthday yet.
All right.
I'll see you at school.
"[Continues]
You need four inches of bod
and a great birthday.
Where's my briefcase?
[Mike]
Where'd you leave it?
Don't be a smart-ass.
Okay, I'll be
a dumb-ass.
[Sara]
You already are.
Okay, where's Sam?
Where's
my briefcase?
Sam?
Allow me, Brenda.
Hey, birth defect!
[Brenda]
You missed breakfast again.
[Dad]
It wasn't my idea to give her
her own phone line.
[Sara, Mike Arguing]
[Brenda]
Grab a doughnut.
It's small.
It's brown.
It's made of leather.
It has my initials on it.
And I believe... that's it.
[Car Horn Honking]
Don't forget the grandparents
are coming this afternoon.
Are we still having dinner
with the Rice Chex?
Rizczechs. 8:00 at the club.
You'd better learn their names.
As of tomorrow, they're family.
That's a lovely
thought.
Hmm.
When it comes
your turn to get married,
do me a favor. Elope.
Who'd marry her?
Mr. T.
I'm sorry, you'll have to
buy lunch today. I didn't
have time to fix your carrots.
She's only eating carrots
to increase the size
of her breasts.
Mister, you had better
shape up, or you will miss
your sister's wedding.
Promise?
Now, don't give me
that pouty look of yours.
You can eat your carrots
when you get home.
That's it?
You don't have anything else
to say to me today?
What would you like me
to say, Sam?
Come on now, honey.
You're gonna miss the bus.
Have a good day.
I can't believe this.
They fucking
forgot my birthday.
~~
I'm sure they didn't
forget your birthday.
They just didn't
remember it right away.
Same difference.
It's a drag
your sweet 16's the day
before Ginny gets married.
But big deal.
They'll remember.
Oh, easy for you to say.
Did anyone ever forget
your birthday?
Come on, Sam.
Everything's getting shittier.
My family forgetting my birthday
just makes it more vivid.
What do you expect,
a breakfast birthday party?
No, but they could have
at least said "happy birthday."
It was just like any other day.
Why don't you remind them?
They'll feel some massive guilt.
It could be highly profitable.
I wouldn't stoop
to remind them.
Since I was about 1 2,
I've been looking forward
to my sweet 16.
You know, a big party
and a band, with tons of people.
Tons of people.
And a big Trans Am
in the driveway
with a ribbon around it.
And some incredibly gorgeous
guy that you meet in France.
And you do it on a cloud
without getting pregnant
or herpes.
I don't need the cloud.
Just a pink Trans Am
and the guy, right?
A black one.
A black guy?
A black Trans Am.
A pink guy.
[Laughing]
[Bell Ringing]
[Together]
Oh, no.
[Woman]
' To those nice, nice nights '
'I remember always always '
'I got such a fright '
'Seeing them in my dark cupboard '
' With my great big cake '
- 'lf they were me
If they were me '
- [Yawning]
'And I was you
And I was you '
'lf they were me
If they were me '
'And I was you
And I was you '
'lf they were me
and I was you '
' Would you have liked
a present too '
'Happy, happy birthday
in a hot bath '
' To those nice, nice nights '
'I remember always always '
'I got such a fright '
'Seeing them in my dark cupboard '
' With my great big cake '
'lf they were me
If they were me '
'And I was you
And I was you '
'lf they were me
If they were me '
'And I was you
And I was you '
'lf they were me and I was you '
[Sighing]
' Would you have liked
a present too '
'Happy birthday
Happy birthday '
'Happy birthday
Happy birthday '
'Happy birthday
Happy birthday '
'Happy birthday
Happy birthday '
[Sighs]
[Snoring Softly]
'Happy birthday
Happy birthday '
'Happy birthday
Happy birthday"
You swear to God,
you don't have it?
I don't know anything about it.
Jennifer Woods
gave me a sex test
during child development.
And I was supposed to
do it and pass it to you
in independent study.
[Sighing]
I'm totally screwed.
Did you put your name on it?
Hi. No, but it was
really embarrassing.
I had to name
who I'd do it with
if I ever did it.
Who'd you name?
Jake Ryan.
Jake Ryan? He doesn't
even know you exist.
Thank you. That's
a very nice thing to say.
I'm sorry.
ButJake Ryan?
He's a senior,
and he's taken.
I mean, really taken.
I know. It was
supposed to be my ideal.
He's ideal, for sure,
but forget it.
God, I hope whoever
got the note doesn't know
it was me who wrote it.
I'd shit twice and die.
Do you know
Samantha Baker?
Sophomore, right?
Yeah. What do
you think of her?
I don't.
Would you ever
go out with her?
Depends on how much
you paid me.
She's not ugly.
There's nothin'
there, man.
It's not ugly.
It's just... void.
You know what I mean?
There's somethin'
about her.
I do independent study
with her. I catch her
lookin' at me a lot.
It's kinda cool, the way
she's always lookin' at me.
Maybe she's retarded.
I'm bein' serious, okay?
She looks at me like
she's in love with me.
Jake,
she's a child.
So?
So what're you
gonna do with her?
She's obviously
too young
to party serious.
Maybe I'm interested
in more than a party.
Come on, Jake. You talk
like you're hard up.
You got Caroline.
Now she's a woman.
It's unbelievable.
I swear to God, Caroline Mulford
had to flunk about nine grades.
[Girl]
Truly makes me ill.
[Samantha]
She's perfect.
Practically
impossible to cut up.
She's supposedly real sweet.
Brother's deaf, and everybody
in the world worships her.
[Samantha]
And she's going with Jake.
Oh, I'm gonna kill myself.
My man.
"[Band Instruments
Practicing, Off-key]
[Kids Chattering]
I loathe the bus.
[Noise Subsides]
[Sighing]
There has to be a more
dignified mode of transportation.
I hope you get a car for
your birthday, and a license.
[Scoffs]
Let's not hold our breath.
[Space Guns Firing]
[Both Chuckle]
[Together]
Score... a direct hit.
[Together]
On second thought.
"[Off-key Instruments
Continue]
"[Kazoos Playing Brahms's
"Hungarian Dance No. 5"]
'Hey"
[Driver]
Move it.
Call me, okay?
You call me first.
Tell me what happened at home.
I can tell you
right now. Nothing.
Will you quit feeling sorry
for yourself? It's bad
for your complexion!
"["Theme from Dragnet"]
How's it goin'?
How's what going?
You know, things,
life, whatnot.
Life is not whatnot,
and it's none of your business.
[Pages Ruffling]
Hmm. So you goin'
to the new faces
dance tonight, or...
That's also none
of your business.
[Sniffing,
Clears Throat]
Are you inhibited
about dancing in public?
I mean,
you don't have to dance.
Maybe you could just stand
there with me and my dudes
and just be you, and... -
Sounds major.
[Sniffing]
So, I mean,
what's the story?
I mean, you got a guy, or...
Yes, three big ones,
and they lust wimp blood.
So quit bugging me,
or I'll sic them
all over your weenie ass.
You know, I'm getting
input here that I'm reading
as relatively hostile.
I mean, it's just...
Go to hell.
Very hostile.
Come on,
what's the problem here?
I'm a boy, you're a girl.
Is there anything wrong with me
tryin' to put together some kind
of relationship between us?
Look, I know you have to go.
Just answer one question.
Yes, you're
a total fag.
[Laughing]
That's not the question.
[Brakes Squealing]
Am I turning you on?
[Door Squeaking]
[Sighing]
It's encouraging.
Very encouraging.
Yeah, uh-huh.
You know, a girl with a hat
is just so... Whew.
So vogue.
Uh, y-yeah.
[Sniffing]
"["Theme From
The Twilight Zone" ]
Where are my blue socks,
Dorothy?
You mean you didn't pack them?
Oh, not again, Howard.
Can't I trust you
to do anything?
Do you expect me to do
all the packing?
Well, at least
I brought this for you. It...
Sam.
[Sighing]
Samantha.
Look.
Oh, look.
- Hi!
- Hi!
Oh, God.
[Laughing]
Oh, sweetheart!
My goodness, are you
a sight for sore eyes.
[Kissing]
[Laughing]
Oh, good!
Just look. How are you,
my little lamb chop?
Hello!
I'm fine, Grandpa.
- How are you guys?
- Oh, pretty good. Of course,
I get lower back pain.
Oh, my corns are killing me.
My arthritis in my fingers
bothers me quite a bit...
So are you, uh...
You're sleeping up here?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Your grandfather Fred
jumped our claim on Sara's room.
So here we are up here.
Well, I haven't seen you in a while.
Do I look any older today?
Oh, no, no.
I wouldn't say so.
Do you think so?
[Dorothy]
No. Oh, I hope
it isn't cold tomorrow.
You know Ginny.
It's not gonna be cold.
She'll refuse to wear a coat
over her wedding dress.
If she does,
you mustn't bug her...
I'm not gonna bug her...
I'm gonna go set
myself up in Mike's room.
So I'll see you guys later.
- [Dorothy]
Okay, sweetheart.
- Look, there she goes.
Your grandpa and I
are looking forward to
a nice, long visit with you.
Aces.
[Howard]
We certainly are.
[Laughing]
See you a little later, darling.
We've got a lot to...
[Sighing]
I swear to God,
this has got to be a joke.
Grandparents forgetting
a birthday?
They live for that shit.
[Toilet Flushing]
~ Put my arms around you ~~
Well, well, if it isn't
Sammy Baker...
Davis, Junior.
[Chortling]
Hi, Grandpa.
Oh, I've got one
for ya.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Who.
Who, who?
Helen, we've got an owl
out here in the hall.
[Chortling]
Oh, Fred, Fred,
leave her alone.
You'll make her
tinkle.
Oh, come on, Helen.
Oh, Sam, let me
look at you.
Oh.
Fred, she's gotten
her boobies.
[Fred Chortling]
I'd better go get
my magnifying glass.
Oh, and they are
so perky!
[Sighing]
I can't believe my grandmother
actually felt me up.
[Gong Clangs]
What's happenin',
hot stuff?
His name is
Long Duk Dong.
[Gong Clangs]
What?
Long Duk Dong.
He came down with
Grandma and Grandpa Baker.
He's an exchange student
that's living with them.
Yeah, well, he's totally bizarre.
He is not.
He is a very
sweet boy.
I just hope you burn the sheets
and mattresses after he leaves.
I don't suppose it makes
any difference to you,
but there's
a very weird Chinese guy
up in Mike's room.
Ginny dumped Rudy.
He's her new fiancee.
[Brenda]
Mike, stop it.
Sam, honey,
do you think you could help
the grandmothers with supper?
Dad and I have to go to the club
for dinner with the Rice Chex.
Rizczechs.
Oh. Rizczechs.
Uh, do you think
that there's any reason...
that I should
possibly stay home tonight?
Well, it might be nice
if you'd visit...
with your grandparents
and Long Duk Dong.
Who?
[Gong Clangs]
The weird Chinese guy
in Mike's room.
Oh.
- I think I have a dance to go to.
- Well, that's okay.
Oh, can you remember
to turn off the stove in 20 minutes?
I can remember lots of things.
[Chuckling]
[Sighing] This is the single
worst day of my entire life.
What the hell
are you bitchin' about?
I gotta sleep
under some Chinaman
named after a duck's dork.
Well, where am I sleeping?
Sofa City, sweetheart.
~~ [Heavy Metal]
Do you think Grandpa Fred's
going to embarrass me?
I don't know why not.
He does to everyone else.
He already asked me if Rudy
was the oily variety bohunk.
Is he?
Don't be cute.
I really love Rudy.
And he is totally
enamored of me.
I mean, I've had men
who've loved me before,
but not for six months
in a row.
I think I'm in love.
So how long have you been
in love, hmm?
Well, it hasn't
really happened yet.
So what's the deal?
I'm not sure
that he knows I exist.
Sam, I really don't
have time for this.
[Sighing]
Well, I'm sorry.
I always listen to you talk
about your boyfriends.
Darling, is something
bothering you?
You're really acting like...
an asshole.
And I think
I know what it is.
I think you're jealous
that I'm getting married...
and that I'm getting
all the attention, hmm?
[Sighing]
You know, everybody
in this family...
has just gone
totally Outer Limits.
No, Sam.
I think you're just being
a little selfish and immature.
[Sighing]
Oh, yes. That's it.
That's exactly it.
[Laughing]
Unbelievable.
You make someone a bridesmaid,
and they shit all over you.
[Gong Clangs]
Very clever dinner.
Appetizing food fit neatly
into interesting round pie.
- It's a quiche.
- Hmm. How do you spell?
Well, you don't spell it, son.
You eat it. [Guffawing]
Dong has only been in
our country a short time, Fred.
- I think we could all
help him assimilate.
- [Chortling] Oh.
[Dorothy]
Long Duk Dong is
about your age, Sam.
You two should have
a lot to chat about.
I love, uh, visiting
with Grandma and Grandpa...
and writing letters
to parents...
and pushing
lawn-mowing machine...
so Grandpa's hyena
don't get disturbed.
- Hernia!
- [Fred Chortling]
Oh, yes, yes, yes, indeedy.
He does the dishes
and helps with the laundry.
You betcha.
[All Chuckling]
May I be excused?
Where are you going?
I have a dance to go to...
at school.
It's a very important dance.
Uh, we're being graded on it...
for gym.
Wait a minute.
I have a wonderful idea.
Would you like to go
to the dance with Sam?
[Gong Clangs]
~~
[Arguing, Indistinct]
I wonder ifJake's here.
I don't think it's healthy
to get jacked about some guy
that isn't a thing yet.
Yeah, when you don't have
anything, you don't have
anything to lose, right?
That's a cheerful thought.
Let's go make
ourselves available.
"["Peter Gunn"]
[Kids Chattering]
That's the one, dude.
Scope it out.
She doesn't look
like a freshman.
Sophomore, dude. Sophomore.
Fully aged sophomore meat.
[Sonar Pinging]
We do the bus
together.
You talk to her?
Talk? Dude, I have
a relationship with her.
Get out.
Figure to, like,
1 7 digits.
You are such a liar.
We'll see about that,
my man.
By night's end, I predict
me and her will interface.
"[Slow, Romantic]
'Ahh '
'Ahh '
'I know this '
'Much is true '
'Ahh '
'I know this..."
Check it out,
Wease.
Pretty intense, huh?
Over.
To the max. Over.
- [Gasping]
- All right.
"[New Wave Rock]
I knew you'd come around.
Whoa.
Christ.
Crank that, sister!
~ Whoa ~
Very hot. Very hot.
This night... This night
is happenin'.
~ Whoa, whoa, whoa ~~
I'm blowing your mind,
aren't I?
I'm just getting warmed up.
[Growls]
[Loud Flatulent Noise]
Ow. Excuse me.
"[Continues In Distance]
[Cheering]
Way to go, dick-face.
She took off.
Don't spaz out. Okay, Wease?
The situation'll come on-line.
Yeah? I'll bet you
a dozen floppy disks
you don't even get tit.
You got a bet, scumbag.
I'll get it all.
Take off.
You wouldn't be able
to prove it anyway.
"A," don't hit me.
Secondly, what kind
of proof do you want?
Video.
Video.
No way. I can just see
the thing getting duped
a thousand times...
and winding up on cable
somewhere.
Try again.
Underpants.
Underpants.
No problem,
butt-lick.
[Together]
Girls' underpants.
' One, two '
'And your girlfriend
sweet little 1 7 '
[Gasping]
'She's got her layered hair
and her flaredjeans '
' You know what that means
She's just a little queen '
'She shares your London flat '
'She thinks that London's
where it's at '
'Although it stinks and when it rains
you wear your hat '
'And your plum-colored PVC
wet-look maxi mac '
' You tie your ginger hair
back in a bun '
[Nose Blowing]
' You're the ugliest creature
under the sun '
"[Continues]
So what's your name?
Dong.
What's your first name?
Long.
What's your middle name?
Duk.
I bet all the boys chase you
plenty in the school, huh?
Nobody's caught me yet.
Hmm. I betcha you big teaser, huh?
[Laughing]
No. I run the 40
in five flat.
Flat?
Hey.
Oh, I'm really sorry, man.
Whatever I did was an accid...
l-l-I didn't mean to...
Relax.
You... You were dancin'
with a girl?
Oh, man, I'm really...
I'm really sorry, man.
I must've been on drugs
five minutes ago.
Do you know her?
She grabbed me, guy.
I'm totally innocent.
Is she yours?
"[Ends]
What do you know
about her?
"[Begins]
She has smallish tits.
Decent voice.
Smells pretty good.
She drives me crazy.
Did she come here
with you?
No, no.
But if it's okay with my dad,
she's goin' home with me.
Excuse me.
[Girls Giggling]
[Girl #1]
Do you guys want
to blow off this dance?
- [Caroline] Yes.
- [Girl #1] I am bored
to the brink of insanity.
- [Girl #2] And go where?
- Jake's parent's aren't home.
We can do his house.
- How's it goin'?
- Fine.
[Caroline]
Let's party light. Jake's paranoid
about his house getting trashed.
[Girl #1 ]
Again.
' One single moment
The hours I spend '
"[Continues, Indistinct]
[Thud]
Oof.
Okay.
All right.
Just tryin' to get
a little bit of water.
Yeah.
~~
Yes, I'm back.
So I smell.
It's my shaving cream.
You wanna feel
a real clean, close shave?
I'll pass.
Couldn't find
anyone else to bug, huh?
Come on.
You know you're the one
I want to bug, huh?
This is my friend, Randy.
And that's Jimmy Montrose.
Howdy, dude.
This is Farmer Fred.
Ted.
Oh, I'm sorry. This is Farmer Ted.
I'm not really a farmer.
I'm a freshman.
Geek, can I be
honest with you?
Not if you're gonna
insult me.
Okay.
[All Laughing]
Shoot.
- Get the hell outta here.
- Nice! Nice manners, babe!
She's totally serious,
ass-wipe.
Chill.
You wanna split
with me? L...
I don't know.
You know, my mom,
I can't handle this.
She tells me, "You want somethin',
you gotta ask for it."
I mean, I'm not
the kinda guy...
It's embarrassing for me.
I don't know. I just...
It's just...
[Chuckles]
[Footsteps Approaching]
[Crashing, Rattling]
[Rattling Continues]
I'm really sorry
about what happened
in the gym.
L-I had no idea
you couldn't dance.
[Metal Clattering]
What a decent
night, huh?
It's my birthday.
[Imitating Guitar]
~ You say it's your birthday ~
~ It's my birthday too ~~
~~ [Imitating Guitar]
Don't do that, okay?
~ Hey, Jude ~~
Just stop it, okay?
I mean, it's really been
a shitty birthday for me.
No offense, but I don't need
a serenade right how.
What's wrong? You didn't
get anything good, or...
I didn't get shit.
Not even a "happy birthday."
My whole family
just sort of blew it off.
I'd freak if my family
forgot my birthday.
It's a brand-new year.
I'm 16. Everything
should be platinum.
I should be happy, right? Right?
Yeah.
Well, I can't get happy.
It is physically impossible
for me to get happy.
Would you feel better if you
knew one of my secrets, or...
Don't gross me out.
No, we're not talking
gross here.
No. It's...
It's just embarrassing.
[Exhaling] This information
cannot leave this room, okay?
It would devastate
my reputation as a dude.
No problem.
[Clears Throat]
I've never bagged a babe.
I'm not a stud.
[Giggling]
I got the rep
in sixth grade.
And it, like,
it stuck with me.
I'm still on hold.
Look, I'd appreciate
you not laughing here, okay?
[Laughing]
I'm sorry.
That's not what I meant.
I meant...
Hey, time out,
junior.
[Horn Honking]
[Exhales]
Pardon me.
It's okay.
I meant that it's okay
that you did it once,
but I didn't mean
for you to do it again!
I'm sorry.
[Sighing]
Sorry.
You know,
just now I really felt
how much you like me.
You're probably zoning in
on my brain waves or something.
Well, not really.
I felt it on my leg.
Come on.
I don't want to see it!
Oh.
Sorry if I embarrassed you.
I'm not embarrassed.
Fresh breath's a priority in my life.
I don't want
to hurt your feelings,
'cause it's really human of you
to listen to my bullshit.
I care about it, really.
I mean...
I know I came on kinda like
a poozer on the bus tonight
and everything.
But that's just so
my friends won't think,
you know, I'm a jerk.
But they're all pretty much
jerks, though, aren't they?
Yeah, but the thing is,
I'm kinda like the leader.
Kinda like the king
of the dipshits.
Well, that's pretty cool.
Hey, but a lot can happen
over a year.
I mean, you could
come back next fall
as a completely normal person.
Yeah?
Sure.
Would it be totally
off the wall if...
if I asked if I could
have sex with you?
Yeah, well, you askin' me is not
as off the wall as why I won't.
- V.D.?
- [Laughing] No.
I'm sorta saving myself.
It's really stupid.
He doesn't even know I exist.
Who?
Who?
Jake Ryan.
You likeJake?
Ja...
Jake's my boy!
I just talked toJake
in the gym.
He asked me
about you.
Did not!
He did too. He did!
He asked me what you were like.
Oh, my... Oh! If you're lying,
I'll beat the crap outta you.
I'm not lying.
Oh, my God!
What should I do?
Should I go up to him?
Should I say, "Hi, Jake,
I'm Samantha"? Maybe
I should let him come to me.
This is not my department.
But what if I let him
come to me, and he forgets?
What if he changes
his mind? Then I'm
totally screwed, right?
Apparently so.
[Sighing]
What would you do
if you were me?
I'm a gamblin' man
by nature.
And, um,
I'd go for it.
This is so strange.
But I think I will.
Oh, you're the best.
- Wait, um...
- What?
Do you know anything
about floppy disks?
We'll talk about this
on the bus, okay?
The thing is, I got a problem.
Floppy disks
are pretty expensive.
I made a bet
with my friends,
the... the dipshits.
Um,
I bet them
that I'd do it with you.
This was before I knew you. I can
get proof without getting physical.
How?
Can I borrow your underpants
for ten minutes?
'Hope you're feelin''
' Time '
"[Continues]
I think it's time to blow this
thing off and go to your house.
Yeah?
I told Tracy and Robin
and those guys to come
to your parents' house, okay?
I told 'em
not to tell anybody.
God, I love it when
your parents are out of town,
I fantasize
that I'm your wife,
and we're the richest,
most popular adults in town.
I owe all my great weekends
to you.
What's your problem?
What?
You've been acting
weird all night.
Are you screwing around?
Me? Are you crazy?
I don't know, Jake.
I'm getting strange signals.
Well, they're
not comin' from me.
Everything's fine.
Don't have a cow.
Okay.
Just remember one thing.
I can name 20 guys
who'd kill to love me.
Is that a threat?
It's a fact,
Jake.
Come on. Before we get
in a big, wicked fight,
let's get outta here, huh?
Hi, Jake. I'm Samantha.
How's it goin'?
Do you got a cigarette?
Jake, this may sound
incredibly dumb,
but I love you,
and I'll do anything
to make you love me.
I love your shirt.
Jake, you're not
gonna believe this,
but I had this
very bizarre dream,
and you were in it.
[Man]
For heaven's sake.
Get in there and dance.
I can't.
They won't like me!
I'm not gonna tell you again!
Just act like a man!
I wanna go home.
I wanna be with you guys.
~~
[Woman]
' You-ou are my desire '
' You... You are my desire '
' You-ou are my desire '
' Oh, baby, you, you, you
you are my desire '
' Got to flnd you
Know you're out there '
[Sighing]
I can't believe I'm such a jerk.
"[Continues]
He smiles at me,
and I don't say anything.
And I can't believe
I gave my panties to a geek.
What year are you?
Freshman.
Gimme a buck.
Get in.
[All Chattering]
Shut up!
[Chatter Stops]
Bryce?
Ted,
go for it.
[All Gasping]
[Gong Clangs]
[Tires Screeching]
Hey, uh, listen, uh,
I wanna thank you for,
uh, loanin' me the Donger.
[Car Horns Honking]
He's really bitchin'.
[Coughs]
That's okay.
You guys make a great couple.
I never been so happy
in my whole life.
You maniac!
[Both Giggling]
Now I have a place
to put my hand.
Mmm.
So basically, Jimmy,
my business is
video game arcades,
laundry,
cigarette machines...
[Belching]
And trucking.
I dabble a little bit
in personal loans and politics.
"["Love Theme
From The Godfather" ]
Very nice.
I think that all
that really matters is that
the kids are happy together.
Just as long as
my beautiful boy remembers...
that marrying this one
means he's out of the
girl of the month club.
- Hey, wait a minute.
I can still look.
- [Laughing, Snorting]
I just can't touch.
Right?
Oh, sensitive, uh?
[Laughing]
Rudy!
- Cheers.
- Right on.
[Slurps]
Ahh! You do shots?
Come on, wolf it.
Whoo!
[Laughing]
[Brakes Squealing]
Uh, good night, Marlene.
See you later, Dong.
Sammy, tell Grandpa
not to wait up.
Let's go boogie.
- Sure.
- [Tires Screeching]
Donger's here for five hours,
and he's got somebody.
I live here my whole life,
and I'm like a disease.
[Sighing]
[Tires Screeching]
"[Rock]
- ' We're hangin'out
in Vinnie's car '
- [Chattering]
' We like
the really loud guitar '
'Don't ever seem
to get too far '
'Spend all our money
in a bar '
[Chattering, Shouting]
"[Continues]
[Slurred Voice]
Everybody,
I'd like you to meet
my boyfriend Jake.
Jake, this is... everybody.
[Man]
Take it off.
All right, whose is this?
You're such a poop.
"[Continues]
[Brakes Squealing]
[People Screaming]
[Crashing]
[Metal Clattering]
'FarmerJohn '
Woof.
'I'm in love
with your daughter '
"[Continues]
[Girl Panting]
Oh, no.
Easy, easy, easy.
"[Loud Rock]
[Kids Chattering, Laughing]
[Headgear Beeping]
Shit, Ted, that's my mom.
I gotta get home.
Change your frequency.
Don't be such a wimp!
[People Laughing,
Chattering Loudly]
Take those ridiculous things
off, okay?
Will you guys grow up?
Ted, won't we get
pounded if we go
to a senior party?
Wease, we got $70,
and we got a pair
of girl's underpants.
We're safe as kittens.
Okay?
This is a great social
opportunity for us.
Come on!
Do not embarrass me,
okay?
For sure, we won't.
Will you fix your hair,
Bryce?
I already did.
Wease, close your barn,
all right?
[Zipping]
And be polite
to his parents.
Okay. Great.
[Exhales]
[Gong Clangs]
Hey, come on in and
party hearty, dude persons.
[Hiccups]
[Laughing Crazily]
He's from out of town,
okay? He speaks English,
right?
Don't be such faggots!
Man, shut up.
Kidding. Sorry.
[Dong Continues Laughing]
Think we're gonna die?
Definitely.
[Tones Beeping]
[Ringing]
[Ringing Continues]
Did you put the cat out?
We don't have a cat.
Come on, damn it.
Answer.
Mmm.
[Sighs]
Aw, eat me.
[Click, Dial Tone]
Who is it?
Well, what
did they want?
Sex.
"[Loud Rock]
[Kids Chattering]
[Girl]
Whoo.
[Gasps]
Geek!
Very nice!
We're five minutes in...
I'm at a loss.
Real smooth, Cliff.
[Growling]
[Gong Clangs]
Ooh.
I've never been out
with a boy before.
Oh, me neither.
[Ringing]
[Grunts]
[Caroline]
Jake?
Where are you, Jake?
Jakey, have you
stopped loving me?
Leave me alone.
What? I'm sorry,
I don't do that.
Yes, you do.
I know.
Come on.
[Caroline]
Trace. You guys.
[Giggling]
Would you help me,
please?
Oh, shit!
Come on, you guys.
I'm your prom queen.
[Laughing]
Trace, you guys,
I'm serious.
Come on. I need help.
Okay.
I need help too.
What is the problem?
Several things.
[Giggling]
Okay. We'll help you.
[Mumbling]
Don't go away,
Caroline, baby.
[Rings]
Hello?
Hello?
Listen, I know
you're there. I can
hear you breathing.
Yes, hello, sir. Um...
Are you the little bugger
that's been calling up...
and then hanging up?
Would it be possible
to tell me if there
is a Samantha Baker there?
And if so, sir, may I
converse with her briefly?
Yes, it is.
And no, you may not.
Might I leave a message, sir?
He wants to leave
a message for Sam.
Here, give me that phone.
Now, you listen to me,
mister.
God did not put me
on this earth to be awakened
by filthy suggestions...
from a foul-mouthed hooligan
like you.
And as for our granddaughter,
I'm sure she has more
than enough sense...
to stay clear of the likes
of you!
Now, good night
and good-bye!
[Dial Tone Humming]
That was great.
[Sighs]
Sam's lucky she has us,
Howard.
Yeah.
Even if she doesn't
appreciate us.
Do you promise you
won't get mad?
No, I love you.
[Laughing]
Okay,
close your eyes.
Scalpel.
Scalpel.
[Moans]
Oooh!
My God.
[Kids Clapping]
[Robin]
That was wonderful.
I don't know how
to thank you enough.
My pleasure.
[Gong Clangs]
[Dong Yelping]
[Guy]
My God.
Wow.
I hope they have insurance.
The party's over.
[Cans Clattering]
[Tape Squeaking,
Record Skipping]
[Mouthing Words]
What a disaster.
[Breathing Heavily]
[Muffled Moaning]
[Grunting]
Jake!
Sam.
Sweetheart?
Daddy?
Hi, kiddo.
What's wrong?
Nothing.
Everything's fine.
I was just upstairs,
and I couldn't sleep.
I feel like a real jerk,
honey.
We forgot your birthday.
I bet you're really
P.O. 'd, huh?
No, it's okay.
I'm not really all
that upset anymore.
This wedding is really turning
this entire house inside out.
And I just came down to tell you
that we did remember.
Thanks, Dad.
Happy birthday.
[Sighs]
Is something else wrong?
No, why?
I don't know, I just get
the feeling that something's
bothering you.
Something other than
your birthday.
No, I'm fine. Really.
I think I know what it is.
It has to do
with a certain guy?
I know, honey.
I know.
We're all upset
that Ginny's
marrying a bohunk.
What's the matter?
[Sighs]
I meantJake.
Jake?
[Sighs]
Wait a minute. I thought
she said his name was Rudy.
Forget it.
Forget what?
Who's Jake?
He's a boy, Daddy. It's nothing.
Okay? Just forget it, please.
Come on, Sam.
We're not communicating.
[Sighs]
It's extremely
embarrassing, okay?
What's embarrassing?
Sitting in the dark
with your dad, telling him
about your love life.
I'm afraid you lost me
again, Sam.
Jake is a senior,
and he's beautiful
and perfect.
I like him a real lot,
and he doesn't like me.
Okay?
Oh.
And he's got this
incredible girlfriend.
I'm just this ridiculous dork
that's following him around
like a puppy.
Why do you think
you're a dork?
I don't think you're a dork.
I don't think Mom thinks you're a dork.
- Mike thinks I'm a dork.
- Mike is a dork.
[Sighs]
But so am I.
Well, if it's any consolation,
I love you.
And if this guy can't see in you
all the beautiful and wonderful
things that I see,
then he's got the problem.
I know. It just hurts.
That's why they call them crushes.
If they were easy,
they'd call 'em something else.
[Sighs]
But if I were Ginny,
I'd have this guy
crawling on his knees.
Well, let me tell you something
about Ginny.
Now, I love her
as much as I love you.
But she's a different person.
Sometimes I worry about her.
When you're given things
kind of easily,
you don't always
appreciate them.
With you, I'm not worried.
When it happens to you,
Samantha, it'll be forever.
Well, I don't think
I'll be able to sleep if I don't feel
this little talk has helped you.
So would you be a sport
and lie to me?
[Chuckles]
Yeah, sure, Daddy.
[Kiss]
Good night, sweetheart.
Good night.
Oh, one more thing,
sweetheart.
What?
When you do find the right guy,
don't let him boss you around.
Make sure he knows
you wear the pants
in the family.
These are really hers?
Yeah.
How did you get 'em?
She gave 'em to me.
Did you...
No! No, Jake.
She's crying for you.
I told her you asked
about her. Right?
The girl freaked.
She had a hissy. She thinks
you're the cat's meow.
Really?
Yeah.
She came up to me
in the gym tonight.
She looked at me
like I was a leper.
Girls'll do that, Jake.
You see, they know guys are,
like, in perpetual heat, right?
They know this shit.
And they enjoy pumping us up.
It's pure power politics,
I'm tellin' you.
I thought she hated
my guts.
Games, Jake.
Silly, torturous games.
You know how many times a week
I go without lunch because some
bitch borrows my lunch money?
Any halfway decent girl
can rob me blind!
Because I'm too torqued up
to say no.
It's heinous,
I'm telling you.
You better not be
dickin' me around.
It'd be a major downer
to try and get together...
and find out she really does
think I'm a slime.
Jake, would I dick you?
Let me put it to you this way.
What happens to me
if I dick you?
[Chuckles]
I'd kick your ass.
Right. So why would I lie?
But I feel compelled
to mention, Jake,
if all you want is a piece
of ass, I mean,
I'll either do it myself,
or get someone bigger than me,
to kick your ass.
I mean, not many girls in contemporary
American society today...
would give their underwear
to help a geek like me.
I can get a piece of ass
anytime I want.
Shit, I got Caroline
in my bedroom right now,
passed out cold.
I could violate her
ten different ways
if I wanted to.
What are you
waiting for?
I don't know.
She's beautiful,
and she's built
and all that.
[Sighs]
I'm just not
interested anymore.
Does that really matter, guy?
Yeah, it matters.
She's totally insensitive.
Look what she did
to my house.
She doesn't know shit
about love.
Only thing she cares
about is partying.
I want a serious girlfriend.
Somebody I can love,
that's gonna love me back.
Is that psycho?
[Spits]
That's beautiful, Jake.
I think a ton of guys
feel the same way as you do.
Really?
Yeah. It's just they don't...
They don't have the balls
to admit it.
You know? They're just...
They're wimps.
Samantha's, uh...
She's really special,
you know?
I'll make a deal with you.
Let me keep these. I'll
let you take Caroline home.
But you gotta make sure she
gets home. You can't leave her
in some parking lot somewhere.
Okay?
Jake, I'm only a freshman.
So? She's so blitzed, she
won't know the difference.
Jake, I don't have a car.
You can take mine.
Jake, I don't have a license.
I trust you.
Jake, I'd love to.
I can't. Want a pretzel?
You sure?
Positive.
[Grunts]
I got her.
You got her?
Yeah.
Is this, uh, your car,
Jake?
No, this is my dad's car.
You said you couldn't
drive a stick.
This is a mother...
This is a Rolls-Royce,
Jake.
So?
So! So.
I heard the grill alone
cost five grand on this.
Five grand!
I don't have five grand.
Then don't hit anything.
Ahh, don't
hit anything.
Do you want to do this
or not?
No.
[Snoring]
Who the hell?
Who does he...
[Groans]
Mm-hmm. Mmm.
Who's he?
That's me.
Who are you?
I'm him.
Oh.
Okay.
[Chuckles]
She's totally gone.
Have fun.
Thanks.
[Engine Starts]
Jake, is your dad
a big man, or...
About 6'4".
Very nice.
Ho.
[Brakes Screech]
Ohh.
Oh.
Ho.
[Brakes Screech]
Easy.
Easy.
~~
[Screech]
[Screech]
[Man]
'Hey, sucker '
[Female Singers]
' What the hell's got into you '
[Dong Laughing]
'Hey, sucker"
[Snorting]
Oh, sexy girlfriend.
Banzai!
[Grunts]
[Cans Clatter]
[Can Clatters]
[Doors Slam]
Think they liked us?
Definitely.
"[Rock]
Whoo!
Go, darling geek!
Uh, could we turn
that music down?
I'm a first-time driver.
I need to concentrate.
[Horn Honks]
Excuse me!
Stop that.
[Laughing]
Looks like rain.
Better put the top up!
Will you stop that?
You can get us in a lot
of trouble doin' that!
This is a car!
[Brakes Squeal]
It hasn't got
Triple A on it.
Chugalug, Pooh bear.
[Laughing]
I can't believe
you're so popular,
acting like this.
[Bottle Crashing]
[Phone Ringing]
Relax!
Hello?
Oh, uh, I don't know.
I'll have to look.
Mr. Ryan, are you in here?
He's not... Mr. Ryan's
not in right now.
My Christmas present
to you!
Thank you.
No. Really.
Serious.
See? See?
"[Continues]
Thank you.
[Laughing]
Now we're both
on the pill!
[Spitting]
You gave me a
birth control pill?
You have any idea
what that'll do
to a guy my age?
I know exactly what it'll do
to a girl my age.
"Just climb in the car!"
Shit.
It makes it okay to be
super careless.
Wait, wait!
[Horn Honking]
Ha-ha!
Look, we're not going
any further until you
stop these childish antics.
Don't be such a poop.
Huh. On second thought.
I love you.
This is getting good.
"["Peter Gunn"]
[Crash]
[Dog Barking]
Ted, what the hell
are you doing?
Are those humongous jocks
back?
[Headgear Beeping]
Do you have any film
in your camera?
What?
Take those ridiculous
things off.
[Beeping Stops]
Do you have any film
in your camera?
Sure.
Okay. Go get it
and bring it outside.
Okay? Right out front.
What for?
Look, just get it
and come on out front, okay?
U.F.O.?
It's better.
Extraterrestrial?
It's better! All right?
Just get it and come outside.
[Together]
Female extraterrestrial?
It's better than...
Shh!
Better than female
extraterrestrial?
How do you tell
if it's a female?
'Cause it's got tits.
What makes 'em different
than regular tits?
They got four.
Just get the camera.
It's in the closet.
- Don't go in the closet.
- [Crash]
[Dog Barking]
Such assholes.
I can't believe it.
You should check that out.
Why do you always
have to argue?
I'm not arguing. I am not!
I am not!
Yes, you are. Yes, you are.
Every time I do something,
bitch, bitch, bitch.
Bitch is a female dog.
I am not even.
What's that supposed
to mean?
Shit!
Shoot!
Ted, that's
a Rolls-Royce.
Ted, that's the prom queen.
You got two girls
in one night.
I told you dudes
I was hot.
Hot? You're a legend!
Will you shut up?
People around here work,
all right?
Will you hurry it up?
I'm breaking, like,
You know, Ted,
nobody's gonna
believe you.
No way.
That, my friends,
is what the pictures
are for. Okay?
Just get that thing
there.
- Are you guys ready?
- Wait, hold on.
Put it down just a bit.
You guys know what
you're doing here?
All right,
just a minute.
How's this look?
Very nice.
Wait, black and white. It would
capture the moment so nicely.
Oooh.
Will you take
the picture already?
You're pissin' me off,
I'm tellin' ya.
Smile, pumpkin.
What?
Oh! Pictures!
Cheers!
"["Wedding March, "
Wagner]
[Sniffing]
[Laughing]
Marlene! Ohh!
Chill out, boy.
Mike, honey.
Go get dressed.
I can't believe it.
Ginny's not in the shower.
I wouldn't go in there.
Grandpa Fred was in there
for a half an hour.
It's totally polluted.
Get dressed.
It's your nose.
They never listen.
What was he wearing?
Well, he would have...
He was wearing a red argyle
sweater and tan trousers.
Mmm. And red shoes.
Hmm?
No, he's not retarded.
Now, what can I do to help?
Well, you could finish
the French toast.
Good.
I'll, uh... I'll just open
the doughnuts.
Good thinking.
Oops. Don't wanna
lose the nails.
I'll just wait till I
hear from you, then.
Voila. Breakfast is ready.
Oh, Sam.
Sam, I am so sorry
about your birthday.
It's okay.
I'll recover.
It's important to you.
And yesterday morning,
you were trying to tell me.
It's okay, Mom.
[Sniffling]
These things
sometimes happen.
Oh, honey, I just
feel miserable.
You'll feel better.
Who died?
Uh...
Is there something
you want to say to your sister?
What? Are you kidding?
Where should I start?
I mean about her birthday.
It was yesterday.
We all forgot.
[Laughing]
Classic.
Deep down,
he's really sorry.
[Together]
No, he's not.
I have to go to this
wedding and look like
Miss Pretty Princess...
in this dipshit's
bridesmaid's dress.
I don't have one-tenth
of the bod to fill
the stupid bust up.
So what?
Should I just waste myself
and spare the agony?
I was gonna tell you something,
but maybe I shouldn't.
It's pretty bad.
You may as well.
Nothing could shock me
anymore.
[Exhales]
Last night at the dance,
my little brother paid a buck
to see your underwear.
[Screams]
Geez! I hate that
rock 'n' roll rubbish!
Well, I'm afraid it's
here to stay, Howie.
"[Rock]
Sam, you're dragging
your dress, honey. Pick it up.
Come on, Ginny.
Hurry up, Susie.
Why is she so slow?
Do not fuss at your sister.
It's her wedding day.
Big deal.
All right, is everybody in? Oh, dear.
Are you all right, Ginny?
[Indistinct Chattering]
Come on, everybody.
Get in the car, please.
We're late already.
[All Chattering At Once]
Helen, will you get in the car?
I don't know what
they're fussing about.
Helen, get in the car!
[Chattering Continues]
[Fred]
Hey, Howard, there's
your Chinaman.
[Howard]
Thanks, Fred.
Bye, Dong.
What the...
What's he doin'
on the ground there?
[Helen]
What happened?
Hold a mirror
in front of his mouth.
Howard! He's dead!
Aw, shit.
I pay seven grand for a wedding,
I'll never see it!
Oh, watch your language,
Mr. Dirty Mouth.
Oh, thank God,
he is still warm.
Oh, good.
Here, l-I'll help you.
Roll him over.
[Everyone Groans]
Ugh.
[Gagging]
Canine cologne.
Oh, no more yankee
my wankee.
The Donger need food!
[Laughing]
[Laughing]
Hell, he's three sheets to the wind!
He's drunk
as a skunk!
Shut up, Fred. Shut up.
Dong!
[Dong Laughing]
Dong.
Dong, Grandpa
is talking to you.
Dong. Where is my
automobile?
Automobile?
[Continues Laughing]
[Imitating Race Car]
[Imitating Crash]
Lake.
Big lake.
Ohh!
- Why, you
little scuzzbag!
- [Yelps]
[Church Bells Chiming]
Oh, my.
Is everything all right?
I was afraid you'd
had an accident.
I wish.
Her monthly bill
came early.
[Laughs]
Well, she's fine.
Uh, she just took
a muscle relaxer.
Try four.
You didn't.
Mother!
"["Theme From Dragnet" ]
Damn, Mom!
I've got my headgear on.
Will you wake up?
Where the hell am I?
I'll, uh, tell you
where you are, if you'll
tell me who you are.
Farmer Ted.
You're in the parking lot across
the street from my church.
You own a church?
What happened?
I have no idea.
Did I do that
to your hair?
At this point,
anything is possible.
Um, l... Uh...
Did, um...
Did we, uh...
Yeah.
I'm pretty sure.
Um, excuse me,
but do you...
Do you know if...
Um, did I enjoy it?
Am I nuts?
Of course I enjoyed it.
I mean, um... What I
meant was, uh, did you?
Hmm.
You know, I have this
weird feeling I did.
"[Organ]
[Snorting]
Here, Ginny.
Drink this.
Come on.
"[Continues]
Here.
[Slurping]
Wow.
[Giggling]
Do I feel funky!
Uh-huh.
[Doorbell Rings]
[Rings]
Okay. I'm comin'.
Hello?
Geez, this place
is so confusing.
Okay.
[Screaming]
Go away!
I call F.I.B.!
I call police!
Go away.
Open the door.
No way, Jose!
Open the door.
You beat up my face!
You grabbed my nuts.
[Gong Clangs]
Is that you?
Yeah. That me.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I thought you
my new... new-style
American girlfriend.
Forget it, man.
Just get Samantha,
all right?
She not here.
Don't jerk me around, man.
Where is she?
- She got married.
- What?
She at the church.
She getting married
to oily bohunk.
Married?
Married.
Married?
Yeah. Married.
Married?
[Dong]
Married. Geez.
"[Organ]
Are you gonna
be all right,
sweetie?
It's gonna be
a piece of cake, Bren.
Um, Ginny,
I'm really happy for you.
I'm sorry for being
kind of a jerk lately.
That's really lovely, Sam.
I know you'll have
a great marriage.
- [Thud]
- [Brenda Shouting]
Ginny.
[Guests Murmuring]
- Holy shit!
- She just had a cramp.
[Jim] I don't care
what she's got. Look at her.
[Brenda] Will you be quiet?
We don't want to announce
that she has her period.
[Guests Gasp]
I guess those guys who thought
we had to get married feel
pretty stupid, huh, Padre?
[Chuckles]
"[Organ... "Wedding March"]
~ Here comes the bride ~
'Big, fat and wide"
"[Organist Humming Along,
Off-key]
[Snorts]
Loved the teapot.
[Giggles]
Excuse me.
Could you move over?
Oh!
Are you okay?
I gotta rest.
Come on.
Here we go.
What's the matter?
Here comes
the bride.
[Fabric Ripping]
Oh!
Sorry.
I got it.
I got it!
[Ginny Sighs]
Hi.
I know you.
Can't see
with this thing on.
[Laughing]
'Boom, bah-boom '
I never went out
with a freshman.
'Bah-boom, bah-boom '
Not even when I
was a freshman.
Me either.
You were pretty crazy.
'Bah, bah, bah-boom '
I was?
Yeah. You know
what I like best?
My clean, close shave?
No.
' Clean, close shave
Ahh '
Waking up in your arms.
'Ah '
These things?
'Boom, boom-boom, boom '
' Ooh"
Shit.
Mmm?
Jake.
Jake.
Holy shit.
Stay here, okay?
Oh, my God.
I'm dead.
[Phone Ringing]
Hello?
[Cliff]
Ted. You never called us back.
What happened?
Look, Wease. I told
you not to call me here.
Ted, we're dying.
What happened?
You wanna know what
happened? Buy the book.
Ted!
[Sighs]
I'm really sorry
about gettin' you mixed up
with that guy.
Oh, it's okay.
He wasn't too terrible.
Weird?
I'm really sorry
about last night.
The party.
Lots of things.
You know, neither one
of us is gonna die...
if it doesn't happen
for us.
That's true.
I just don't know
right now.
But I'm covered, okay?
L... I won't get hurt.
Sure.
I'll leave it up to you.
Fine.
"[Bells Tolling]
[Guests Exclaiming]
[Kiss]
[Shrieks]
[Everyone Cheering, Shouting]
[Woman]
Oh, my God.
Her veil!
[Glass Shattering]
[Cheering,
Shouting Continues]
Come on, honey.
Honey.
Good-bye!
Come on.
[Laughing]
Here we go.
[Fred]
Get her in the
back seat, Rudy!
[Man]
Bon voyage.
See you later.
Bye!
Good-bye!
So long, kids!
Ohh!
[Horn Honking]
[Swishing, Gurgling]
Oh, hi. Uh, my sister
forgot her veil.
I know she wouldn't want
anything to happen to it.
She's, um...
She's a little out of it.
Just a little bit.
Yeah. Uh, well, excuse me.
Everybody's waiting for me.
I wanna make sure I see
my sister leave.
Good-bye.
Bye.
Oh, I need a drink.
~~
- 'lf you were here
I could deceive you '
- [Mouthing Word]
Yeah, you.
'lf you were here
You would believe '
'But would you suspect '
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
"[Continues]
What are you doing here?
I heard you were here.
You came here for me?
Is that okay?
Yeah. It's okay.
Do you have to go
to the reception now?
I'm supposed to.
Can I call you later?
Sure.
I mean, no.
No, I can't call you later?
Yeah.
No, I mean... I'm not going
to the reception.
Oh. Great.
[All Chattering]
[Mouthing Words]
Thanks for getting
my undies back.
Thanks for comin' over.
Thanks for coming
to get me.
Happy birthday,
Samantha.
Make a wish.
It already came true.
'lf you were here '
'I could deceive you '
'lf you were here '
' You would believe '
'But would you suspect '
'My emotion wandering
Yeah '
'Do not want a part of this anymore"
~~
[Man]
'Sixteen candles '
'Make a lovely, lovely light '
'But not as bright '
'As your eyes tonight '
'Blow out those candles '
'Make your wish come true '
'For I'll be wishing '
' That you loved me too '
' You're only 1 6 '
'But you're my teenage queen '
' You're the prettiest
loveliest girl '
'I've ever seen '
'Sixteen candles '
'In my heart will glow '
'Forever and ever
and evermore '
'For I love you so '
'Hey '
'Sixteen candles
Yeah '
'In my heart
In my heart will glow '
'Forever and ever
and ever '
'For I love you so '
' Oh, I love you so"
It looks good.
On the northwest toll,
eastbound trafflc is moving
nicely this morning...
from Beecham Road
down to River Road.
Westbound, there's now a 20-car
backup at the Devon Avenue toll.
And on the northbound l-290
extension at Thorndale Avenue,
we had a spinout there.
And that car was blocking
the right-hand lane...
and also blocking the lane
that's coming off of the, uh,
eastbound Thorndale Avenue
entrance ramp...
leading to the northbound,
uh, l-290 extension.
- This was causing a backup
to Irving Park. We have...
- [Paper Bangs Door]
[Alarm Blaring]
Come on, chop-chop.
We got relatives
invading this afternoon.
Ginny, Mike, Sara, Sam!
Come on. Everybody up!
"[Loud Rock]
Oh, I think
I have a fever.
You don't have
a fever.
Shut your face.
Make me.
[Phone Ringing]
Dad,
Mike hit me!
[Mike] You liar.
Mike, come on, pal.
We got a wedding tomorrow.
Try to cooperate,
will ya?
Dad, I didn't hit her.
I'd like to very much,
and I probably will later,
but gimme a break.
You know my method.
I don't hit her when
you're just down the hall.
Pick on someone
your own size.
Open this door.
Daddy, I'm the one
getting married.
[Dad]
Not until tomorrow. I've got
a mouthful of toothpaste.
I happen to have
a serious problem.
Dad.
She got her period.
Should make for
an interesting honeymoon, huh?
- Where are you learning
that stuff?
- School.
Good. Gettin'
my money's worth.
[Radio Announcer]
They were fantastic. Just great.
What a great crowd.
And it was so much fun...
[Man] 'It's a good thing
you don't have busfare '
'It would fall through the hole
in your pocket and you'd lose it '
'In the snow on the ground '
' You gotta walk into town
to flnd a job '
' You're trying to keep
your hands warm '
"[Continues]
Chronologically, you're 16 today.
Physically,
you're still 15.
[Sighs]
Hopeless.
Nope. I look exactly the same
as I have since summer.
Utterly forgettable.
No, I didn't expect
to wake up transformed.
I just thought that turning 16
would be so major...
that I'd wake up
with an improved mental state
that would show on my face.
All it shows is that I don't
have any sort of a tan left.
[Sighs]
I better get downstairs.
My family's probably pissed off
I haven't let them wish me
happy birthday yet.
All right.
I'll see you at school.
"[Continues]
You need four inches of bod
and a great birthday.
Where's my briefcase?
[Mike]
Where'd you leave it?
Don't be a smart-ass.
Okay, I'll be
a dumb-ass.
[Sara]
You already are.
Okay, where's Sam?
Where's
my briefcase?
Sam?
Allow me, Brenda.
Hey, birth defect!
[Brenda]
You missed breakfast again.
[Dad]
It wasn't my idea to give her
her own phone line.
[Sara, Mike Arguing]
[Brenda]
Grab a doughnut.
It's small.
It's brown.
It's made of leather.
It has my initials on it.
And I believe... that's it.
[Car Horn Honking]
Don't forget the grandparents
are coming this afternoon.
Are we still having dinner
with the Rice Chex?
Rizczechs. 8:00 at the club.
You'd better learn their names.
As of tomorrow, they're family.
That's a lovely
thought.
Hmm.
When it comes
your turn to get married,
do me a favor. Elope.
Who'd marry her?
Mr. T.
I'm sorry, you'll have to
buy lunch today. I didn't
have time to fix your carrots.
She's only eating carrots
to increase the size
of her breasts.
Mister, you had better
shape up, or you will miss
your sister's wedding.
Promise?
Now, don't give me
that pouty look of yours.
You can eat your carrots
when you get home.
That's it?
You don't have anything else
to say to me today?
What would you like me
to say, Sam?
Come on now, honey.
You're gonna miss the bus.
Have a good day.
I can't believe this.
They fucking
forgot my birthday.
~~
I'm sure they didn't
forget your birthday.
They just didn't
remember it right away.
Same difference.
It's a drag
your sweet 16's the day
before Ginny gets married.
But big deal.
They'll remember.
Oh, easy for you to say.
Did anyone ever forget
your birthday?
Come on, Sam.
Everything's getting shittier.
My family forgetting my birthday
just makes it more vivid.
What do you expect,
a breakfast birthday party?
No, but they could have
at least said "happy birthday."
It was just like any other day.
Why don't you remind them?
They'll feel some massive guilt.
It could be highly profitable.
I wouldn't stoop
to remind them.
Since I was about 1 2,
I've been looking forward
to my sweet 16.
You know, a big party
and a band, with tons of people.
Tons of people.
And a big Trans Am
in the driveway
with a ribbon around it.
And some incredibly gorgeous
guy that you meet in France.
And you do it on a cloud
without getting pregnant
or herpes.
I don't need the cloud.
Just a pink Trans Am
and the guy, right?
A black one.
A black guy?
A black Trans Am.
A pink guy.
[Laughing]
[Bell Ringing]
[Together]
Oh, no.
[Woman]
' To those nice, nice nights '
'I remember always always '
'I got such a fright '
'Seeing them in my dark cupboard '
' With my great big cake '
- 'lf they were me
If they were me '
- [Yawning]
'And I was you
And I was you '
'lf they were me
If they were me '
'And I was you
And I was you '
'lf they were me
and I was you '
' Would you have liked
a present too '
'Happy, happy birthday
in a hot bath '
' To those nice, nice nights '
'I remember always always '
'I got such a fright '
'Seeing them in my dark cupboard '
' With my great big cake '
'lf they were me
If they were me '
'And I was you
And I was you '
'lf they were me
If they were me '
'And I was you
And I was you '
'lf they were me and I was you '
[Sighing]
' Would you have liked
a present too '
'Happy birthday
Happy birthday '
'Happy birthday
Happy birthday '
'Happy birthday
Happy birthday '
'Happy birthday
Happy birthday '
[Sighs]
[Snoring Softly]
'Happy birthday
Happy birthday '
'Happy birthday
Happy birthday"
You swear to God,
you don't have it?
I don't know anything about it.
Jennifer Woods
gave me a sex test
during child development.
And I was supposed to
do it and pass it to you
in independent study.
[Sighing]
I'm totally screwed.
Did you put your name on it?
Hi. No, but it was
really embarrassing.
I had to name
who I'd do it with
if I ever did it.
Who'd you name?
Jake Ryan.
Jake Ryan? He doesn't
even know you exist.
Thank you. That's
a very nice thing to say.
I'm sorry.
ButJake Ryan?
He's a senior,
and he's taken.
I mean, really taken.
I know. It was
supposed to be my ideal.
He's ideal, for sure,
but forget it.
God, I hope whoever
got the note doesn't know
it was me who wrote it.
I'd shit twice and die.
Do you know
Samantha Baker?
Sophomore, right?
Yeah. What do
you think of her?
I don't.
Would you ever
go out with her?
Depends on how much
you paid me.
She's not ugly.
There's nothin'
there, man.
It's not ugly.
It's just... void.
You know what I mean?
There's somethin'
about her.
I do independent study
with her. I catch her
lookin' at me a lot.
It's kinda cool, the way
she's always lookin' at me.
Maybe she's retarded.
I'm bein' serious, okay?
She looks at me like
she's in love with me.
Jake,
she's a child.
So?
So what're you
gonna do with her?
She's obviously
too young
to party serious.
Maybe I'm interested
in more than a party.
Come on, Jake. You talk
like you're hard up.
You got Caroline.
Now she's a woman.
It's unbelievable.
I swear to God, Caroline Mulford
had to flunk about nine grades.
[Girl]
Truly makes me ill.
[Samantha]
She's perfect.
Practically
impossible to cut up.
She's supposedly real sweet.
Brother's deaf, and everybody
in the world worships her.
[Samantha]
And she's going with Jake.
Oh, I'm gonna kill myself.
My man.
"[Band Instruments
Practicing, Off-key]
[Kids Chattering]
I loathe the bus.
[Noise Subsides]
[Sighing]
There has to be a more
dignified mode of transportation.
I hope you get a car for
your birthday, and a license.
[Scoffs]
Let's not hold our breath.
[Space Guns Firing]
[Both Chuckle]
[Together]
Score... a direct hit.
[Together]
On second thought.
"[Off-key Instruments
Continue]
"[Kazoos Playing Brahms's
"Hungarian Dance No. 5"]
'Hey"
[Driver]
Move it.
Call me, okay?
You call me first.
Tell me what happened at home.
I can tell you
right now. Nothing.
Will you quit feeling sorry
for yourself? It's bad
for your complexion!
"["Theme from Dragnet"]
How's it goin'?
How's what going?
You know, things,
life, whatnot.
Life is not whatnot,
and it's none of your business.
[Pages Ruffling]
Hmm. So you goin'
to the new faces
dance tonight, or...
That's also none
of your business.
[Sniffing,
Clears Throat]
Are you inhibited
about dancing in public?
I mean,
you don't have to dance.
Maybe you could just stand
there with me and my dudes
and just be you, and... -
Sounds major.
[Sniffing]
So, I mean,
what's the story?
I mean, you got a guy, or...
Yes, three big ones,
and they lust wimp blood.
So quit bugging me,
or I'll sic them
all over your weenie ass.
You know, I'm getting
input here that I'm reading
as relatively hostile.
I mean, it's just...
Go to hell.
Very hostile.
Come on,
what's the problem here?
I'm a boy, you're a girl.
Is there anything wrong with me
tryin' to put together some kind
of relationship between us?
Look, I know you have to go.
Just answer one question.
Yes, you're
a total fag.
[Laughing]
That's not the question.
[Brakes Squealing]
Am I turning you on?
[Door Squeaking]
[Sighing]
It's encouraging.
Very encouraging.
Yeah, uh-huh.
You know, a girl with a hat
is just so... Whew.
So vogue.
Uh, y-yeah.
[Sniffing]
"["Theme From
The Twilight Zone" ]
Where are my blue socks,
Dorothy?
You mean you didn't pack them?
Oh, not again, Howard.
Can't I trust you
to do anything?
Do you expect me to do
all the packing?
Well, at least
I brought this for you. It...
Sam.
[Sighing]
Samantha.
Look.
Oh, look.
- Hi!
- Hi!
Oh, God.
[Laughing]
Oh, sweetheart!
My goodness, are you
a sight for sore eyes.
[Kissing]
[Laughing]
Oh, good!
Just look. How are you,
my little lamb chop?
Hello!
I'm fine, Grandpa.
- How are you guys?
- Oh, pretty good. Of course,
I get lower back pain.
Oh, my corns are killing me.
My arthritis in my fingers
bothers me quite a bit...
So are you, uh...
You're sleeping up here?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Your grandfather Fred
jumped our claim on Sara's room.
So here we are up here.
Well, I haven't seen you in a while.
Do I look any older today?
Oh, no, no.
I wouldn't say so.
Do you think so?
[Dorothy]
No. Oh, I hope
it isn't cold tomorrow.
You know Ginny.
It's not gonna be cold.
She'll refuse to wear a coat
over her wedding dress.
If she does,
you mustn't bug her...
I'm not gonna bug her...
I'm gonna go set
myself up in Mike's room.
So I'll see you guys later.
- [Dorothy]
Okay, sweetheart.
- Look, there she goes.
Your grandpa and I
are looking forward to
a nice, long visit with you.
Aces.
[Howard]
We certainly are.
[Laughing]
See you a little later, darling.
We've got a lot to...
[Sighing]
I swear to God,
this has got to be a joke.
Grandparents forgetting
a birthday?
They live for that shit.
[Toilet Flushing]
~ Put my arms around you ~~
Well, well, if it isn't
Sammy Baker...
Davis, Junior.
[Chortling]
Hi, Grandpa.
Oh, I've got one
for ya.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Who.
Who, who?
Helen, we've got an owl
out here in the hall.
[Chortling]
Oh, Fred, Fred,
leave her alone.
You'll make her
tinkle.
Oh, come on, Helen.
Oh, Sam, let me
look at you.
Oh.
Fred, she's gotten
her boobies.
[Fred Chortling]
I'd better go get
my magnifying glass.
Oh, and they are
so perky!
[Sighing]
I can't believe my grandmother
actually felt me up.
[Gong Clangs]
What's happenin',
hot stuff?
His name is
Long Duk Dong.
[Gong Clangs]
What?
Long Duk Dong.
He came down with
Grandma and Grandpa Baker.
He's an exchange student
that's living with them.
Yeah, well, he's totally bizarre.
He is not.
He is a very
sweet boy.
I just hope you burn the sheets
and mattresses after he leaves.
I don't suppose it makes
any difference to you,
but there's
a very weird Chinese guy
up in Mike's room.
Ginny dumped Rudy.
He's her new fiancee.
[Brenda]
Mike, stop it.
Sam, honey,
do you think you could help
the grandmothers with supper?
Dad and I have to go to the club
for dinner with the Rice Chex.
Rizczechs.
Oh. Rizczechs.
Uh, do you think
that there's any reason...
that I should
possibly stay home tonight?
Well, it might be nice
if you'd visit...
with your grandparents
and Long Duk Dong.
Who?
[Gong Clangs]
The weird Chinese guy
in Mike's room.
Oh.
- I think I have a dance to go to.
- Well, that's okay.
Oh, can you remember
to turn off the stove in 20 minutes?
I can remember lots of things.
[Chuckling]
[Sighing] This is the single
worst day of my entire life.
What the hell
are you bitchin' about?
I gotta sleep
under some Chinaman
named after a duck's dork.
Well, where am I sleeping?
Sofa City, sweetheart.
~~ [Heavy Metal]
Do you think Grandpa Fred's
going to embarrass me?
I don't know why not.
He does to everyone else.
He already asked me if Rudy
was the oily variety bohunk.
Is he?
Don't be cute.
I really love Rudy.
And he is totally
enamored of me.
I mean, I've had men
who've loved me before,
but not for six months
in a row.
I think I'm in love.
So how long have you been
in love, hmm?
Well, it hasn't
really happened yet.
So what's the deal?
I'm not sure
that he knows I exist.
Sam, I really don't
have time for this.
[Sighing]
Well, I'm sorry.
I always listen to you talk
about your boyfriends.
Darling, is something
bothering you?
You're really acting like...
an asshole.
And I think
I know what it is.
I think you're jealous
that I'm getting married...
and that I'm getting
all the attention, hmm?
[Sighing]
You know, everybody
in this family...
has just gone
totally Outer Limits.
No, Sam.
I think you're just being
a little selfish and immature.
[Sighing]
Oh, yes. That's it.
That's exactly it.
[Laughing]
Unbelievable.
You make someone a bridesmaid,
and they shit all over you.
[Gong Clangs]
Very clever dinner.
Appetizing food fit neatly
into interesting round pie.
- It's a quiche.
- Hmm. How do you spell?
Well, you don't spell it, son.
You eat it. [Guffawing]
Dong has only been in
our country a short time, Fred.
- I think we could all
help him assimilate.
- [Chortling] Oh.
[Dorothy]
Long Duk Dong is
about your age, Sam.
You two should have
a lot to chat about.
I love, uh, visiting
with Grandma and Grandpa...
and writing letters
to parents...
and pushing
lawn-mowing machine...
so Grandpa's hyena
don't get disturbed.
- Hernia!
- [Fred Chortling]
Oh, yes, yes, yes, indeedy.
He does the dishes
and helps with the laundry.
You betcha.
[All Chuckling]
May I be excused?
Where are you going?
I have a dance to go to...
at school.
It's a very important dance.
Uh, we're being graded on it...
for gym.
Wait a minute.
I have a wonderful idea.
Would you like to go
to the dance with Sam?
[Gong Clangs]
~~
[Arguing, Indistinct]
I wonder ifJake's here.
I don't think it's healthy
to get jacked about some guy
that isn't a thing yet.
Yeah, when you don't have
anything, you don't have
anything to lose, right?
That's a cheerful thought.
Let's go make
ourselves available.
"["Peter Gunn"]
[Kids Chattering]
That's the one, dude.
Scope it out.
She doesn't look
like a freshman.
Sophomore, dude. Sophomore.
Fully aged sophomore meat.
[Sonar Pinging]
We do the bus
together.
You talk to her?
Talk? Dude, I have
a relationship with her.
Get out.
Figure to, like,
1 7 digits.
You are such a liar.
We'll see about that,
my man.
By night's end, I predict
me and her will interface.
"[Slow, Romantic]
'Ahh '
'Ahh '
'I know this '
'Much is true '
'Ahh '
'I know this..."
Check it out,
Wease.
Pretty intense, huh?
Over.
To the max. Over.
- [Gasping]
- All right.
"[New Wave Rock]
I knew you'd come around.
Whoa.
Christ.
Crank that, sister!
~ Whoa ~
Very hot. Very hot.
This night... This night
is happenin'.
~ Whoa, whoa, whoa ~~
I'm blowing your mind,
aren't I?
I'm just getting warmed up.
[Growls]
[Loud Flatulent Noise]
Ow. Excuse me.
"[Continues In Distance]
[Cheering]
Way to go, dick-face.
She took off.
Don't spaz out. Okay, Wease?
The situation'll come on-line.
Yeah? I'll bet you
a dozen floppy disks
you don't even get tit.
You got a bet, scumbag.
I'll get it all.
Take off.
You wouldn't be able
to prove it anyway.
"A," don't hit me.
Secondly, what kind
of proof do you want?
Video.
Video.
No way. I can just see
the thing getting duped
a thousand times...
and winding up on cable
somewhere.
Try again.
Underpants.
Underpants.
No problem,
butt-lick.
[Together]
Girls' underpants.
' One, two '
'And your girlfriend
sweet little 1 7 '
[Gasping]
'She's got her layered hair
and her flaredjeans '
' You know what that means
She's just a little queen '
'She shares your London flat '
'She thinks that London's
where it's at '
'Although it stinks and when it rains
you wear your hat '
'And your plum-colored PVC
wet-look maxi mac '
' You tie your ginger hair
back in a bun '
[Nose Blowing]
' You're the ugliest creature
under the sun '
"[Continues]
So what's your name?
Dong.
What's your first name?
Long.
What's your middle name?
Duk.
I bet all the boys chase you
plenty in the school, huh?
Nobody's caught me yet.
Hmm. I betcha you big teaser, huh?
[Laughing]
No. I run the 40
in five flat.
Flat?
Hey.
Oh, I'm really sorry, man.
Whatever I did was an accid...
l-l-I didn't mean to...
Relax.
You... You were dancin'
with a girl?
Oh, man, I'm really...
I'm really sorry, man.
I must've been on drugs
five minutes ago.
Do you know her?
She grabbed me, guy.
I'm totally innocent.
Is she yours?
"[Ends]
What do you know
about her?
"[Begins]
She has smallish tits.
Decent voice.
Smells pretty good.
She drives me crazy.
Did she come here
with you?
No, no.
But if it's okay with my dad,
she's goin' home with me.
Excuse me.
[Girls Giggling]
[Girl #1]
Do you guys want
to blow off this dance?
- [Caroline] Yes.
- [Girl #1] I am bored
to the brink of insanity.
- [Girl #2] And go where?
- Jake's parent's aren't home.
We can do his house.
- How's it goin'?
- Fine.
[Caroline]
Let's party light. Jake's paranoid
about his house getting trashed.
[Girl #1 ]
Again.
' One single moment
The hours I spend '
"[Continues, Indistinct]
[Thud]
Oof.
Okay.
All right.
Just tryin' to get
a little bit of water.
Yeah.
~~
Yes, I'm back.
So I smell.
It's my shaving cream.
You wanna feel
a real clean, close shave?
I'll pass.
Couldn't find
anyone else to bug, huh?
Come on.
You know you're the one
I want to bug, huh?
This is my friend, Randy.
And that's Jimmy Montrose.
Howdy, dude.
This is Farmer Fred.
Ted.
Oh, I'm sorry. This is Farmer Ted.
I'm not really a farmer.
I'm a freshman.
Geek, can I be
honest with you?
Not if you're gonna
insult me.
Okay.
[All Laughing]
Shoot.
- Get the hell outta here.
- Nice! Nice manners, babe!
She's totally serious,
ass-wipe.
Chill.
You wanna split
with me? L...
I don't know.
You know, my mom,
I can't handle this.
She tells me, "You want somethin',
you gotta ask for it."
I mean, I'm not
the kinda guy...
It's embarrassing for me.
I don't know. I just...
It's just...
[Chuckles]
[Footsteps Approaching]
[Crashing, Rattling]
[Rattling Continues]
I'm really sorry
about what happened
in the gym.
L-I had no idea
you couldn't dance.
[Metal Clattering]
What a decent
night, huh?
It's my birthday.
[Imitating Guitar]
~ You say it's your birthday ~
~ It's my birthday too ~~
~~ [Imitating Guitar]
Don't do that, okay?
~ Hey, Jude ~~
Just stop it, okay?
I mean, it's really been
a shitty birthday for me.
No offense, but I don't need
a serenade right how.
What's wrong? You didn't
get anything good, or...
I didn't get shit.
Not even a "happy birthday."
My whole family
just sort of blew it off.
I'd freak if my family
forgot my birthday.
It's a brand-new year.
I'm 16. Everything
should be platinum.
I should be happy, right? Right?
Yeah.
Well, I can't get happy.
It is physically impossible
for me to get happy.
Would you feel better if you
knew one of my secrets, or...
Don't gross me out.
No, we're not talking
gross here.
No. It's...
It's just embarrassing.
[Exhaling] This information
cannot leave this room, okay?
It would devastate
my reputation as a dude.
No problem.
[Clears Throat]
I've never bagged a babe.
I'm not a stud.
[Giggling]
I got the rep
in sixth grade.
And it, like,
it stuck with me.
I'm still on hold.
Look, I'd appreciate
you not laughing here, okay?
[Laughing]
I'm sorry.
That's not what I meant.
I meant...
Hey, time out,
junior.
[Horn Honking]
[Exhales]
Pardon me.
It's okay.
I meant that it's okay
that you did it once,
but I didn't mean
for you to do it again!
I'm sorry.
[Sighing]
Sorry.
You know,
just now I really felt
how much you like me.
You're probably zoning in
on my brain waves or something.
Well, not really.
I felt it on my leg.
Come on.
I don't want to see it!
Oh.
Sorry if I embarrassed you.
I'm not embarrassed.
Fresh breath's a priority in my life.
I don't want
to hurt your feelings,
'cause it's really human of you
to listen to my bullshit.
I care about it, really.
I mean...
I know I came on kinda like
a poozer on the bus tonight
and everything.
But that's just so
my friends won't think,
you know, I'm a jerk.
But they're all pretty much
jerks, though, aren't they?
Yeah, but the thing is,
I'm kinda like the leader.
Kinda like the king
of the dipshits.
Well, that's pretty cool.
Hey, but a lot can happen
over a year.
I mean, you could
come back next fall
as a completely normal person.
Yeah?
Sure.
Would it be totally
off the wall if...
if I asked if I could
have sex with you?
Yeah, well, you askin' me is not
as off the wall as why I won't.
- V.D.?
- [Laughing] No.
I'm sorta saving myself.
It's really stupid.
He doesn't even know I exist.
Who?
Who?
Jake Ryan.
You likeJake?
Ja...
Jake's my boy!
I just talked toJake
in the gym.
He asked me
about you.
Did not!
He did too. He did!
He asked me what you were like.
Oh, my... Oh! If you're lying,
I'll beat the crap outta you.
I'm not lying.
Oh, my God!
What should I do?
Should I go up to him?
Should I say, "Hi, Jake,
I'm Samantha"? Maybe
I should let him come to me.
This is not my department.
But what if I let him
come to me, and he forgets?
What if he changes
his mind? Then I'm
totally screwed, right?
Apparently so.
[Sighing]
What would you do
if you were me?
I'm a gamblin' man
by nature.
And, um,
I'd go for it.
This is so strange.
But I think I will.
Oh, you're the best.
- Wait, um...
- What?
Do you know anything
about floppy disks?
We'll talk about this
on the bus, okay?
The thing is, I got a problem.
Floppy disks
are pretty expensive.
I made a bet
with my friends,
the... the dipshits.
Um,
I bet them
that I'd do it with you.
This was before I knew you. I can
get proof without getting physical.
How?
Can I borrow your underpants
for ten minutes?
'Hope you're feelin''
' Time '
"[Continues]
I think it's time to blow this
thing off and go to your house.
Yeah?
I told Tracy and Robin
and those guys to come
to your parents' house, okay?
I told 'em
not to tell anybody.
God, I love it when
your parents are out of town,
I fantasize
that I'm your wife,
and we're the richest,
most popular adults in town.
I owe all my great weekends
to you.
What's your problem?
What?
You've been acting
weird all night.
Are you screwing around?
Me? Are you crazy?
I don't know, Jake.
I'm getting strange signals.
Well, they're
not comin' from me.
Everything's fine.
Don't have a cow.
Okay.
Just remember one thing.
I can name 20 guys
who'd kill to love me.
Is that a threat?
It's a fact,
Jake.
Come on. Before we get
in a big, wicked fight,
let's get outta here, huh?
Hi, Jake. I'm Samantha.
How's it goin'?
Do you got a cigarette?
Jake, this may sound
incredibly dumb,
but I love you,
and I'll do anything
to make you love me.
I love your shirt.
Jake, you're not
gonna believe this,
but I had this
very bizarre dream,
and you were in it.
[Man]
For heaven's sake.
Get in there and dance.
I can't.
They won't like me!
I'm not gonna tell you again!
Just act like a man!
I wanna go home.
I wanna be with you guys.
~~
[Woman]
' You-ou are my desire '
' You... You are my desire '
' You-ou are my desire '
' Oh, baby, you, you, you
you are my desire '
' Got to flnd you
Know you're out there '
[Sighing]
I can't believe I'm such a jerk.
"[Continues]
He smiles at me,
and I don't say anything.
And I can't believe
I gave my panties to a geek.
What year are you?
Freshman.
Gimme a buck.
Get in.
[All Chattering]
Shut up!
[Chatter Stops]
Bryce?
Ted,
go for it.
[All Gasping]
[Gong Clangs]
[Tires Screeching]
Hey, uh, listen, uh,
I wanna thank you for,
uh, loanin' me the Donger.
[Car Horns Honking]
He's really bitchin'.
[Coughs]
That's okay.
You guys make a great couple.
I never been so happy
in my whole life.
You maniac!
[Both Giggling]
Now I have a place
to put my hand.
Mmm.
So basically, Jimmy,
my business is
video game arcades,
laundry,
cigarette machines...
[Belching]
And trucking.
I dabble a little bit
in personal loans and politics.
"["Love Theme
From The Godfather" ]
Very nice.
I think that all
that really matters is that
the kids are happy together.
Just as long as
my beautiful boy remembers...
that marrying this one
means he's out of the
girl of the month club.
- Hey, wait a minute.
I can still look.
- [Laughing, Snorting]
I just can't touch.
Right?
Oh, sensitive, uh?
[Laughing]
Rudy!
- Cheers.
- Right on.
[Slurps]
Ahh! You do shots?
Come on, wolf it.
Whoo!
[Laughing]
[Brakes Squealing]
Uh, good night, Marlene.
See you later, Dong.
Sammy, tell Grandpa
not to wait up.
Let's go boogie.
- Sure.
- [Tires Screeching]
Donger's here for five hours,
and he's got somebody.
I live here my whole life,
and I'm like a disease.
[Sighing]
[Tires Screeching]
"[Rock]
- ' We're hangin'out
in Vinnie's car '
- [Chattering]
' We like
the really loud guitar '
'Don't ever seem
to get too far '
'Spend all our money
in a bar '
[Chattering, Shouting]
"[Continues]
[Slurred Voice]
Everybody,
I'd like you to meet
my boyfriend Jake.
Jake, this is... everybody.
[Man]
Take it off.
All right, whose is this?
You're such a poop.
"[Continues]
[Brakes Squealing]
[People Screaming]
[Crashing]
[Metal Clattering]
'FarmerJohn '
Woof.
'I'm in love
with your daughter '
"[Continues]
[Girl Panting]
Oh, no.
Easy, easy, easy.
"[Loud Rock]
[Kids Chattering, Laughing]
[Headgear Beeping]
Shit, Ted, that's my mom.
I gotta get home.
Change your frequency.
Don't be such a wimp!
[People Laughing,
Chattering Loudly]
Take those ridiculous things
off, okay?
Will you guys grow up?
Ted, won't we get
pounded if we go
to a senior party?
Wease, we got $70,
and we got a pair
of girl's underpants.
We're safe as kittens.
Okay?
This is a great social
opportunity for us.
Come on!
Do not embarrass me,
okay?
For sure, we won't.
Will you fix your hair,
Bryce?
I already did.
Wease, close your barn,
all right?
[Zipping]
And be polite
to his parents.
Okay. Great.
[Exhales]
[Gong Clangs]
Hey, come on in and
party hearty, dude persons.
[Hiccups]
[Laughing Crazily]
He's from out of town,
okay? He speaks English,
right?
Don't be such faggots!
Man, shut up.
Kidding. Sorry.
[Dong Continues Laughing]
Think we're gonna die?
Definitely.
[Tones Beeping]
[Ringing]
[Ringing Continues]
Did you put the cat out?
We don't have a cat.
Come on, damn it.
Answer.
Mmm.
[Sighs]
Aw, eat me.
[Click, Dial Tone]
Who is it?
Well, what
did they want?
Sex.
"[Loud Rock]
[Kids Chattering]
[Girl]
Whoo.
[Gasps]
Geek!
Very nice!
We're five minutes in...
I'm at a loss.
Real smooth, Cliff.
[Growling]
[Gong Clangs]
Ooh.
I've never been out
with a boy before.
Oh, me neither.
[Ringing]
[Grunts]
[Caroline]
Jake?
Where are you, Jake?
Jakey, have you
stopped loving me?
Leave me alone.
What? I'm sorry,
I don't do that.
Yes, you do.
I know.
Come on.
[Caroline]
Trace. You guys.
[Giggling]
Would you help me,
please?
Oh, shit!
Come on, you guys.
I'm your prom queen.
[Laughing]
Trace, you guys,
I'm serious.
Come on. I need help.
Okay.
I need help too.
What is the problem?
Several things.
[Giggling]
Okay. We'll help you.
[Mumbling]
Don't go away,
Caroline, baby.
[Rings]
Hello?
Hello?
Listen, I know
you're there. I can
hear you breathing.
Yes, hello, sir. Um...
Are you the little bugger
that's been calling up...
and then hanging up?
Would it be possible
to tell me if there
is a Samantha Baker there?
And if so, sir, may I
converse with her briefly?
Yes, it is.
And no, you may not.
Might I leave a message, sir?
He wants to leave
a message for Sam.
Here, give me that phone.
Now, you listen to me,
mister.
God did not put me
on this earth to be awakened
by filthy suggestions...
from a foul-mouthed hooligan
like you.
And as for our granddaughter,
I'm sure she has more
than enough sense...
to stay clear of the likes
of you!
Now, good night
and good-bye!
[Dial Tone Humming]
That was great.
[Sighs]
Sam's lucky she has us,
Howard.
Yeah.
Even if she doesn't
appreciate us.
Do you promise you
won't get mad?
No, I love you.
[Laughing]
Okay,
close your eyes.
Scalpel.
Scalpel.
[Moans]
Oooh!
My God.
[Kids Clapping]
[Robin]
That was wonderful.
I don't know how
to thank you enough.
My pleasure.
[Gong Clangs]
[Dong Yelping]
[Guy]
My God.
Wow.
I hope they have insurance.
The party's over.
[Cans Clattering]
[Tape Squeaking,
Record Skipping]
[Mouthing Words]
What a disaster.
[Breathing Heavily]
[Muffled Moaning]
[Grunting]
Jake!
Sam.
Sweetheart?
Daddy?
Hi, kiddo.
What's wrong?
Nothing.
Everything's fine.
I was just upstairs,
and I couldn't sleep.
I feel like a real jerk,
honey.
We forgot your birthday.
I bet you're really
P.O. 'd, huh?
No, it's okay.
I'm not really all
that upset anymore.
This wedding is really turning
this entire house inside out.
And I just came down to tell you
that we did remember.
Thanks, Dad.
Happy birthday.
[Sighs]
Is something else wrong?
No, why?
I don't know, I just get
the feeling that something's
bothering you.
Something other than
your birthday.
No, I'm fine. Really.
I think I know what it is.
It has to do
with a certain guy?
I know, honey.
I know.
We're all upset
that Ginny's
marrying a bohunk.
What's the matter?
[Sighs]
I meantJake.
Jake?
[Sighs]
Wait a minute. I thought
she said his name was Rudy.
Forget it.
Forget what?
Who's Jake?
He's a boy, Daddy. It's nothing.
Okay? Just forget it, please.
Come on, Sam.
We're not communicating.
[Sighs]
It's extremely
embarrassing, okay?
What's embarrassing?
Sitting in the dark
with your dad, telling him
about your love life.
I'm afraid you lost me
again, Sam.
Jake is a senior,
and he's beautiful
and perfect.
I like him a real lot,
and he doesn't like me.
Okay?
Oh.
And he's got this
incredible girlfriend.
I'm just this ridiculous dork
that's following him around
like a puppy.
Why do you think
you're a dork?
I don't think you're a dork.
I don't think Mom thinks you're a dork.
- Mike thinks I'm a dork.
- Mike is a dork.
[Sighs]
But so am I.
Well, if it's any consolation,
I love you.
And if this guy can't see in you
all the beautiful and wonderful
things that I see,
then he's got the problem.
I know. It just hurts.
That's why they call them crushes.
If they were easy,
they'd call 'em something else.
[Sighs]
But if I were Ginny,
I'd have this guy
crawling on his knees.
Well, let me tell you something
about Ginny.
Now, I love her
as much as I love you.
But she's a different person.
Sometimes I worry about her.
When you're given things
kind of easily,
you don't always
appreciate them.
With you, I'm not worried.
When it happens to you,
Samantha, it'll be forever.
Well, I don't think
I'll be able to sleep if I don't feel
this little talk has helped you.
So would you be a sport
and lie to me?
[Chuckles]
Yeah, sure, Daddy.
[Kiss]
Good night, sweetheart.
Good night.
Oh, one more thing,
sweetheart.
What?
When you do find the right guy,
don't let him boss you around.
Make sure he knows
you wear the pants
in the family.
These are really hers?
Yeah.
How did you get 'em?
She gave 'em to me.
Did you...
No! No, Jake.
She's crying for you.
I told her you asked
about her. Right?
The girl freaked.
She had a hissy. She thinks
you're the cat's meow.
Really?
Yeah.
She came up to me
in the gym tonight.
She looked at me
like I was a leper.
Girls'll do that, Jake.
You see, they know guys are,
like, in perpetual heat, right?
They know this shit.
And they enjoy pumping us up.
It's pure power politics,
I'm tellin' you.
I thought she hated
my guts.
Games, Jake.
Silly, torturous games.
You know how many times a week
I go without lunch because some
bitch borrows my lunch money?
Any halfway decent girl
can rob me blind!
Because I'm too torqued up
to say no.
It's heinous,
I'm telling you.
You better not be
dickin' me around.
It'd be a major downer
to try and get together...
and find out she really does
think I'm a slime.
Jake, would I dick you?
Let me put it to you this way.
What happens to me
if I dick you?
[Chuckles]
I'd kick your ass.
Right. So why would I lie?
But I feel compelled
to mention, Jake,
if all you want is a piece
of ass, I mean,
I'll either do it myself,
or get someone bigger than me,
to kick your ass.
I mean, not many girls in contemporary
American society today...
would give their underwear
to help a geek like me.
I can get a piece of ass
anytime I want.
Shit, I got Caroline
in my bedroom right now,
passed out cold.
I could violate her
ten different ways
if I wanted to.
What are you
waiting for?
I don't know.
She's beautiful,
and she's built
and all that.
[Sighs]
I'm just not
interested anymore.
Does that really matter, guy?
Yeah, it matters.
She's totally insensitive.
Look what she did
to my house.
She doesn't know shit
about love.
Only thing she cares
about is partying.
I want a serious girlfriend.
Somebody I can love,
that's gonna love me back.
Is that psycho?
[Spits]
That's beautiful, Jake.
I think a ton of guys
feel the same way as you do.
Really?
Yeah. It's just they don't...
They don't have the balls
to admit it.
You know? They're just...
They're wimps.
Samantha's, uh...
She's really special,
you know?
I'll make a deal with you.
Let me keep these. I'll
let you take Caroline home.
But you gotta make sure she
gets home. You can't leave her
in some parking lot somewhere.
Okay?
Jake, I'm only a freshman.
So? She's so blitzed, she
won't know the difference.
Jake, I don't have a car.
You can take mine.
Jake, I don't have a license.
I trust you.
Jake, I'd love to.
I can't. Want a pretzel?
You sure?
Positive.
[Grunts]
I got her.
You got her?
Yeah.
Is this, uh, your car,
Jake?
No, this is my dad's car.
You said you couldn't
drive a stick.
This is a mother...
This is a Rolls-Royce,
Jake.
So?
So! So.
I heard the grill alone
cost five grand on this.
Five grand!
I don't have five grand.
Then don't hit anything.
Ahh, don't
hit anything.
Do you want to do this
or not?
No.
[Snoring]
Who the hell?
Who does he...
[Groans]
Mm-hmm. Mmm.
Who's he?
That's me.
Who are you?
I'm him.
Oh.
Okay.
[Chuckles]
She's totally gone.
Have fun.
Thanks.
[Engine Starts]
Jake, is your dad
a big man, or...
About 6'4".
Very nice.
Ho.
[Brakes Screech]
Ohh.
Oh.
Ho.
[Brakes Screech]
Easy.
Easy.
~~
[Screech]
[Screech]
[Man]
'Hey, sucker '
[Female Singers]
' What the hell's got into you '
[Dong Laughing]
'Hey, sucker"
[Snorting]
Oh, sexy girlfriend.
Banzai!
[Grunts]
[Cans Clatter]
[Can Clatters]
[Doors Slam]
Think they liked us?
Definitely.
"[Rock]
Whoo!
Go, darling geek!
Uh, could we turn
that music down?
I'm a first-time driver.
I need to concentrate.
[Horn Honks]
Excuse me!
Stop that.
[Laughing]
Looks like rain.
Better put the top up!
Will you stop that?
You can get us in a lot
of trouble doin' that!
This is a car!
[Brakes Squeal]
It hasn't got
Triple A on it.
Chugalug, Pooh bear.
[Laughing]
I can't believe
you're so popular,
acting like this.
[Bottle Crashing]
[Phone Ringing]
Relax!
Hello?
Oh, uh, I don't know.
I'll have to look.
Mr. Ryan, are you in here?
He's not... Mr. Ryan's
not in right now.
My Christmas present
to you!
Thank you.
No. Really.
Serious.
See? See?
"[Continues]
Thank you.
[Laughing]
Now we're both
on the pill!
[Spitting]
You gave me a
birth control pill?
You have any idea
what that'll do
to a guy my age?
I know exactly what it'll do
to a girl my age.
"Just climb in the car!"
Shit.
It makes it okay to be
super careless.
Wait, wait!
[Horn Honking]
Ha-ha!
Look, we're not going
any further until you
stop these childish antics.
Don't be such a poop.
Huh. On second thought.
I love you.
This is getting good.
"["Peter Gunn"]
[Crash]
[Dog Barking]
Ted, what the hell
are you doing?
Are those humongous jocks
back?
[Headgear Beeping]
Do you have any film
in your camera?
What?
Take those ridiculous
things off.
[Beeping Stops]
Do you have any film
in your camera?
Sure.
Okay. Go get it
and bring it outside.
Okay? Right out front.
What for?
Look, just get it
and come on out front, okay?
U.F.O.?
It's better.
Extraterrestrial?
It's better! All right?
Just get it and come outside.
[Together]
Female extraterrestrial?
It's better than...
Shh!
Better than female
extraterrestrial?
How do you tell
if it's a female?
'Cause it's got tits.
What makes 'em different
than regular tits?
They got four.
Just get the camera.
It's in the closet.
- Don't go in the closet.
- [Crash]
[Dog Barking]
Such assholes.
I can't believe it.
You should check that out.
Why do you always
have to argue?
I'm not arguing. I am not!
I am not!
Yes, you are. Yes, you are.
Every time I do something,
bitch, bitch, bitch.
Bitch is a female dog.
I am not even.
What's that supposed
to mean?
Shit!
Shoot!
Ted, that's
a Rolls-Royce.
Ted, that's the prom queen.
You got two girls
in one night.
I told you dudes
I was hot.
Hot? You're a legend!
Will you shut up?
People around here work,
all right?
Will you hurry it up?
I'm breaking, like,
You know, Ted,
nobody's gonna
believe you.
No way.
That, my friends,
is what the pictures
are for. Okay?
Just get that thing
there.
- Are you guys ready?
- Wait, hold on.
Put it down just a bit.
You guys know what
you're doing here?
All right,
just a minute.
How's this look?
Very nice.
Wait, black and white. It would
capture the moment so nicely.
Oooh.
Will you take
the picture already?
You're pissin' me off,
I'm tellin' ya.
Smile, pumpkin.
What?
Oh! Pictures!
Cheers!
"["Wedding March, "
Wagner]
[Sniffing]
[Laughing]
Marlene! Ohh!
Chill out, boy.
Mike, honey.
Go get dressed.
I can't believe it.
Ginny's not in the shower.
I wouldn't go in there.
Grandpa Fred was in there
for a half an hour.
It's totally polluted.
Get dressed.
It's your nose.
They never listen.
What was he wearing?
Well, he would have...
He was wearing a red argyle
sweater and tan trousers.
Mmm. And red shoes.
Hmm?
No, he's not retarded.
Now, what can I do to help?
Well, you could finish
the French toast.
Good.
I'll, uh... I'll just open
the doughnuts.
Good thinking.
Oops. Don't wanna
lose the nails.
I'll just wait till I
hear from you, then.
Voila. Breakfast is ready.
Oh, Sam.
Sam, I am so sorry
about your birthday.
It's okay.
I'll recover.
It's important to you.
And yesterday morning,
you were trying to tell me.
It's okay, Mom.
[Sniffling]
These things
sometimes happen.
Oh, honey, I just
feel miserable.
You'll feel better.
Who died?
Uh...
Is there something
you want to say to your sister?
What? Are you kidding?
Where should I start?
I mean about her birthday.
It was yesterday.
We all forgot.
[Laughing]
Classic.
Deep down,
he's really sorry.
[Together]
No, he's not.
I have to go to this
wedding and look like
Miss Pretty Princess...
in this dipshit's
bridesmaid's dress.
I don't have one-tenth
of the bod to fill
the stupid bust up.
So what?
Should I just waste myself
and spare the agony?
I was gonna tell you something,
but maybe I shouldn't.
It's pretty bad.
You may as well.
Nothing could shock me
anymore.
[Exhales]
Last night at the dance,
my little brother paid a buck
to see your underwear.
[Screams]
Geez! I hate that
rock 'n' roll rubbish!
Well, I'm afraid it's
here to stay, Howie.
"[Rock]
Sam, you're dragging
your dress, honey. Pick it up.
Come on, Ginny.
Hurry up, Susie.
Why is she so slow?
Do not fuss at your sister.
It's her wedding day.
Big deal.
All right, is everybody in? Oh, dear.
Are you all right, Ginny?
[Indistinct Chattering]
Come on, everybody.
Get in the car, please.
We're late already.
[All Chattering At Once]
Helen, will you get in the car?
I don't know what
they're fussing about.
Helen, get in the car!
[Chattering Continues]
[Fred]
Hey, Howard, there's
your Chinaman.
[Howard]
Thanks, Fred.
Bye, Dong.
What the...
What's he doin'
on the ground there?
[Helen]
What happened?
Hold a mirror
in front of his mouth.
Howard! He's dead!
Aw, shit.
I pay seven grand for a wedding,
I'll never see it!
Oh, watch your language,
Mr. Dirty Mouth.
Oh, thank God,
he is still warm.
Oh, good.
Here, l-I'll help you.
Roll him over.
[Everyone Groans]
Ugh.
[Gagging]
Canine cologne.
Oh, no more yankee
my wankee.
The Donger need food!
[Laughing]
[Laughing]
Hell, he's three sheets to the wind!
He's drunk
as a skunk!
Shut up, Fred. Shut up.
Dong!
[Dong Laughing]
Dong.
Dong, Grandpa
is talking to you.
Dong. Where is my
automobile?
Automobile?
[Continues Laughing]
[Imitating Race Car]
[Imitating Crash]
Lake.
Big lake.
Ohh!
- Why, you
little scuzzbag!
- [Yelps]
[Church Bells Chiming]
Oh, my.
Is everything all right?
I was afraid you'd
had an accident.
I wish.
Her monthly bill
came early.
[Laughs]
Well, she's fine.
Uh, she just took
a muscle relaxer.
Try four.
You didn't.
Mother!
"["Theme From Dragnet" ]
Damn, Mom!
I've got my headgear on.
Will you wake up?
Where the hell am I?
I'll, uh, tell you
where you are, if you'll
tell me who you are.
Farmer Ted.
You're in the parking lot across
the street from my church.
You own a church?
What happened?
I have no idea.
Did I do that
to your hair?
At this point,
anything is possible.
Um, l... Uh...
Did, um...
Did we, uh...
Yeah.
I'm pretty sure.
Um, excuse me,
but do you...
Do you know if...
Um, did I enjoy it?
Am I nuts?
Of course I enjoyed it.
I mean, um... What I
meant was, uh, did you?
Hmm.
You know, I have this
weird feeling I did.
"[Organ]
[Snorting]
Here, Ginny.
Drink this.
Come on.
"[Continues]
Here.
[Slurping]
Wow.
[Giggling]
Do I feel funky!
Uh-huh.
[Doorbell Rings]
[Rings]
Okay. I'm comin'.
Hello?
Geez, this place
is so confusing.
Okay.
[Screaming]
Go away!
I call F.I.B.!
I call police!
Go away.
Open the door.
No way, Jose!
Open the door.
You beat up my face!
You grabbed my nuts.
[Gong Clangs]
Is that you?
Yeah. That me.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I thought you
my new... new-style
American girlfriend.
Forget it, man.
Just get Samantha,
all right?
She not here.
Don't jerk me around, man.
Where is she?
- She got married.
- What?
She at the church.
She getting married
to oily bohunk.
Married?
Married.
Married?
Yeah. Married.
Married?
[Dong]
Married. Geez.
"[Organ]
Are you gonna
be all right,
sweetie?
It's gonna be
a piece of cake, Bren.
Um, Ginny,
I'm really happy for you.
I'm sorry for being
kind of a jerk lately.
That's really lovely, Sam.
I know you'll have
a great marriage.
- [Thud]
- [Brenda Shouting]
Ginny.
[Guests Murmuring]
- Holy shit!
- She just had a cramp.
[Jim] I don't care
what she's got. Look at her.
[Brenda] Will you be quiet?
We don't want to announce
that she has her period.
[Guests Gasp]
I guess those guys who thought
we had to get married feel
pretty stupid, huh, Padre?
[Chuckles]
"[Organ... "Wedding March"]
~ Here comes the bride ~
'Big, fat and wide"
"[Organist Humming Along,
Off-key]
[Snorts]
Loved the teapot.
[Giggles]
Excuse me.
Could you move over?
Oh!
Are you okay?
I gotta rest.
Come on.
Here we go.
What's the matter?
Here comes
the bride.
[Fabric Ripping]
Oh!
Sorry.
I got it.
I got it!
[Ginny Sighs]
Hi.
I know you.
Can't see
with this thing on.
[Laughing]
'Boom, bah-boom '
I never went out
with a freshman.
'Bah-boom, bah-boom '
Not even when I
was a freshman.
Me either.
You were pretty crazy.
'Bah, bah, bah-boom '
I was?
Yeah. You know
what I like best?
My clean, close shave?
No.
' Clean, close shave
Ahh '
Waking up in your arms.
'Ah '
These things?
'Boom, boom-boom, boom '
' Ooh"
Shit.
Mmm?
Jake.
Jake.
Holy shit.
Stay here, okay?
Oh, my God.
I'm dead.
[Phone Ringing]
Hello?
[Cliff]
Ted. You never called us back.
What happened?
Look, Wease. I told
you not to call me here.
Ted, we're dying.
What happened?
You wanna know what
happened? Buy the book.
Ted!
[Sighs]
I'm really sorry
about gettin' you mixed up
with that guy.
Oh, it's okay.
He wasn't too terrible.
Weird?
I'm really sorry
about last night.
The party.
Lots of things.
You know, neither one
of us is gonna die...
if it doesn't happen
for us.
That's true.
I just don't know
right now.
But I'm covered, okay?
L... I won't get hurt.
Sure.
I'll leave it up to you.
Fine.
"[Bells Tolling]
[Guests Exclaiming]
[Kiss]
[Shrieks]
[Everyone Cheering, Shouting]
[Woman]
Oh, my God.
Her veil!
[Glass Shattering]
[Cheering,
Shouting Continues]
Come on, honey.
Honey.
Good-bye!
Come on.
[Laughing]
Here we go.
[Fred]
Get her in the
back seat, Rudy!
[Man]
Bon voyage.
See you later.
Bye!
Good-bye!
So long, kids!
Ohh!
[Horn Honking]
[Swishing, Gurgling]
Oh, hi. Uh, my sister
forgot her veil.
I know she wouldn't want
anything to happen to it.
She's, um...
She's a little out of it.
Just a little bit.
Yeah. Uh, well, excuse me.
Everybody's waiting for me.
I wanna make sure I see
my sister leave.
Good-bye.
Bye.
Oh, I need a drink.
~~
- 'lf you were here
I could deceive you '
- [Mouthing Word]
Yeah, you.
'lf you were here
You would believe '
'But would you suspect '
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
"[Continues]
What are you doing here?
I heard you were here.
You came here for me?
Is that okay?
Yeah. It's okay.
Do you have to go
to the reception now?
I'm supposed to.
Can I call you later?
Sure.
I mean, no.
No, I can't call you later?
Yeah.
No, I mean... I'm not going
to the reception.
Oh. Great.
[All Chattering]
[Mouthing Words]
Thanks for getting
my undies back.
Thanks for comin' over.
Thanks for coming
to get me.
Happy birthday,
Samantha.
Make a wish.
It already came true.
'lf you were here '
'I could deceive you '
'lf you were here '
' You would believe '
'But would you suspect '
'My emotion wandering
Yeah '
'Do not want a part of this anymore"
~~
[Man]
'Sixteen candles '
'Make a lovely, lovely light '
'But not as bright '
'As your eyes tonight '
'Blow out those candles '
'Make your wish come true '
'For I'll be wishing '
' That you loved me too '
' You're only 1 6 '
'But you're my teenage queen '
' You're the prettiest
loveliest girl '
'I've ever seen '
'Sixteen candles '
'In my heart will glow '
'Forever and ever
and evermore '
'For I love you so '
'Hey '
'Sixteen candles
Yeah '
'In my heart
In my heart will glow '
'Forever and ever
and ever '
'For I love you so '
' Oh, I love you so"