Skate to Hell (2026) Movie Script

1
[hooves clopping]
[suspenseful orchestral music]
[unsettling electronic music]
Howdy, folks.
Bob is the name.
What brings y'all to my
humble abode of gasoline?
Don't see too many
city slickers out here.
For all you know, we just
a few corn-fed hicks stopping
in from a few towns over.
Boys, stop giving this
handsome man a hard time.
Why, you know, you're sweeter
than vanilla honey sticks.
[groans]
Hey, Sandy.
What's that odor?
When was your last
bathroom break?
Let's change, clean you up.
Just an accident, accident.
We figured that a trip out
here could jog mom's memory.
She spent a lot of time
when she was young out here.
And we need her to remember.
It's a big one.
Oh, look!
It's my lucky day.
Oh, I just found peanuts,
pink peanuts I wonder,
is this one unsalted
or is this one spicy?
[groans] Ooh, that's spicy.
[groans] I'm gonna
need some more.
No, no, no, you can't do this.
[moaning]
I'm glad everybody
was wearing nose plugs.
What y'all doing out here?
Hey, y'all got cameras and shit?
What's up?
Small P in the
motherfucking house!
Small P!
Come on over here.
Cut, cut, cut, cut!
What's up, baby.
Oh my god, it's been forever.
Sit down.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Jim, it's very exciting that you
are visiting with your Little P
here.
We're burning daylight.
We need to get the
fucking show on the road.
You can talk to
him another time.
Who the fuck is Small P?
Everybody know who
the fuck Small P is.
Jim, if we keep wasting
time like this every day,
we're never going to
get anything done.
I quit.
All you care about is these
homeboys here and smoking
that stinking peace pipe.
I'm not your homeboy.
He used to be a good director.
And now he's just a gamer.
- No, no.
- I'm going home.
No, you-- you cannot.
I'm out of here!
I'm out of here!
- No.
I want to go home!
I want to go home!
Mom, mom, mom, mom.
Mom, please.
You can't lose your home, Mom.
You gotta do this.
- I'm sorry.
What's going on here?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Jim.
I'll be good.
No, I-- I'll be good.
No, I'll do what you want.
Yeah, I sorry.
I sorry.
Come on.
CREW MEMBER: Come on,
come on, everybody!
We need to get rolling!
We're losing daylight!
Let's get back to work!
Ah, come on!
Damn!
You still think taking
this job in the classifieds
was a smart move?
It's like a jackass
factory out there.
I bet you not one of these
idiots can even do a kickflip.
You want to save
the shop, right?
- Yeah.
- OK.
[exciting punk music]
[skateboard clacking]
Yes!
Yes!
Yes!
This will be a
great fucking day.
[body thuds]
[exciting punk music]
[body thuds]
HOWARD: [sighs] [groans] Yeah!
Come on!
Get on that horse!
[imitating electric guitar]
Yeah!
Woo!
Come on!
[ominous orchestral music]
[choir harmonizing]
Carissa, give me a $1!
Give me a $1!
I need a $1!
Armpit farts using a sock
puppet is not an instrument.
What's up, asshats?
What's up?
And what brings the two of
you out here on this fine day?
Did I hear someone say
something about armpit fart?
Yay!
Armpit farts!
Armpit farts!
[armpit tooting]
Carissa!
My hand's all fucked up, man.
What are you doing?
[armpit tooting]
[groaning]
- [screams]
- Oh my god!
Ah!
[screaming]
Oh, it burns!
My hole!
My poor little hole!
[screams]
[flesh crackling]
[groaning]
[armpit tooting]
Oh!
[screams]
[suspenseful orchestral music]
[fluid plopping, sloshing]
[body thuds]
Mm!
That's good bum juice.
[slurping] [gargling]
Best batch yet.
What the!
Hey!
Hey!
What do you think you're
doing, you little turd bird?
KURT: Nothing!
Nothing!
Hasn't anybody ever told
you it's rude to watch?
KURT: No, no!
[whimpers]
No free shows!
You hear me?
- I'm not looking!
I'm not watching!
I'm not watching anything.
No free shows.
I got big plans for you.
KURT: No!
No!
No, no!
No!
- [grunts]
KURT: [screams] What are those?
You're a real fucking cannibal!
No!
[groans]
KURT: My board!
- Oh!
Ow!
Ow!
[whimpers]
Thanks for the
new board, douche.
Enjoy your soup!
Blech!
[yelling] Hey!
Come back here with that
board, you bonehead!
My daddy gave me that board!
He'll tan my hide if I lose it.
No!
That board has unholy powers.
[wheels whirring]
[whoosh]
Game over.
I'm in hot cheese now.
Now I'm stuck here on Earth.
DISEMBODIED VOICE:
I know I was bad!
And I fucking loved being bad!
Where is it?
[overlapping chatter]
What do you want?
No.
No, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey!
Hello?
You have entered an
escape room with no exit.
Your actions on
the earthly plane
have led to this predicament.
What the fuck is this place?
This looks more like a daycare
center than an escape room.
You better watch
that tongue, kid.
[scoffs] Or I'll send in
some hungry sludge worms,
eat that tongue
out of your mouth.
Sludge worms?
Where the hell is my board?
Your board has changed hands.
But all will be
revealed soon enough.
Just so you know, no one ever
wins in this escape room.
[chains clink, latch clicks]
[suspenseful music]
[groans] [whispers]
They can't all be locked!
[laughter, applause]
DANTE: [cackles maniacally]
The pain of it all!
[laughter]
Come visit me, son.
There is nothing to fear.
[cackles]
[groans]
You can trust me.
I used to be a game show
host in the surface world
until I killed
everybody in the studio
for looking at me cockeyed.
Yeah!
[applause]
Holy shit.
No swearing on this show.
We are live.
And our sponsors
won't like it one bit.
[game show theme music]
Well, folks, welcome to your
favorite game show, Escape Room
From Hell.
[cheers, applause]
As always, I'm your
host, Dante A. Today we
have a special guest with us.
His name is-- hmm.
[groans] What's the
deal, pecker head?
What is your name
and why are you here?
I'm Kurt.
I'm looking for my
fucking board, man.
Have you seen it?
I said no foul language here!
[audience exclaims]
Hey, gent, is this
the board you're after?
[laughs] If you want it,
you better come and get it.
[laughs]
Oh, god.
Wait, come back!
I'll damn you for exposing
my shame, you motherfucker!
DETECTIVE: This just
doesn't make any damn sense.
Human beings don't just
turn into primordial ooze,
not without at least some
sort of blunt force trauma.
Maybe someone's
out here spraying
down the homeless with a squirt
gun full of acid or something.
You wouldn't
know this about me,
but I'm an amateur archeologist.
And to my eye, this looks like
an ancient artifact to me.
I'll go ahead and
see if I can find
anybody who might be
able to help identify
the owner of this board.
I feel like it's
an important clue.
I feel like it's our only clue.
Bag it up.
[bag rustling]
[door creaks]
[gasps]
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
Any disgusting concoction you
think of can become a drink.
[cackles]
What?
Like a diet soda with easy ice?
My boy, you're
thinking too simple.
More like an ear-worm
elixir or a maggot martini.
Or my favorite-- bile
duct Bloody Mary.
Just make me a
slippery nipple.
I could use a drink, I guess.
My throat is dry as hell, so.
Eh!
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
[laughs] Ah, ah, ah.
There you go, my boy.
You let me know how it tastes.
[screaming]
[thunder rumbling]
[groaning] Dude,
this is no bueno.
I've never been away from
my hell home for this long.
[somber music]
I usually only skate up to
the surface on a day trip.
You know, I thought
I was perfectly clear.
Number one, I didn't want
anybody making a mess on my set.
What do you think
this is, a farm?
And number two, I told you
shooting porn on my set
is strictly prohibited.
This is not porn.
This is just weird people
touching each other.
If I find the
crew member that's
been eating trash and
collecting turds out of the john
one more time, I'm
going to kick their ass.
[utensil tapping]
I hope you're all
enjoying this evening's
food I prepared for you all.
Due to the amount of country
that you all possess within you,
I have rubbed my nuts on
every single cup and utensil
that you have put into your
unsanctimonious mouths.
[panting] [sighs]
[grunts] Let me out of here!
Oh, fuck, the guy in the
straitjacket was right.
I'm not getting out.
[skateboard pops]
Ow!
You-- you brought
me here, didn't you?
Maybe you can get me out.
Fuck, here goes nothing.
[suspenseful music]
[portal booms, body thuds]
For Satan's sake, how did
both of you let that kid escape?
Nobody ever escapes.
He defiled me.
How dare him!
He's not gonna get
away with this.
I'm gonna get him!
Yeah, well, he splashed me in
the eyes with toxic squid inks!
The boy will be back.
Nobody stays out for long.
Should we let
the big man know?
You mean the record keeper?
You think getting
pantsed, it was bad?
The big man will
turn you into pants.
All right, girls, now,
how do we make holy water?
Get water.
Put it on the stove.
And cook the crap out of it.
No, it's boil the hell out of.
Boil the hell out of it.
Have any of you guys seen
this skateboard around?
Sir, you seem a bit nervous.
Are you feeling all right?
I'm one of the good ones.
You can trust me.
It's just that when a man
in uniform confronts me,
I get flashbacks of
military academy.
Our father's
innocent, officer.
The AC in our car is broken.
Yeah, he wouldn't hurt a fly.
He makes me kill them.
Sir.
Sir, sir, come here, come here.
You know, running away doesn't
exactly make you look innocent
now, does it?
Look, sire, I used
the immortal blade
to cut deep this time.
You could see the muscles
and the veins and everything.
[suspenseful music]
[groans] [sighs]
That's nice, Aleister.
You see, my son Howard didn't
come home for supper last night.
He could be beneath the
floorboards of my old house.
[chuckles] You know,
there were some, uh,
local neighborhood boys who
accidentally got trapped there.
They used to mow my lawn.
Ever since I gave him
that infernal skateboard,
he's been acting like
a common human being.
You shouldn't
coddle him so much.
Howard was bound to spread
his fallen angel wings
one of these days.
Look, sire, I removed a
pinky just for you and--
How many times do I have
to tell you, Aleister?
I'm not in the mood!
But I thought you liked it
when there was blood and guts.
That's it.
Security!
Take him away!
You heard the big man, chump.
Let's take a walk.
Yeah, let's get
some nice hell air.
But we're having fun.
I'm trying to entertain.
SECURITY GUARD:
Who gives a fuck?
Holy shit!
Man, what kind
of board is that?
- That thing is dope, bro.
- Where'd you get that?
Sh, sh.
Calm down!
Calm down!
- You gotta let me ride that.
No, no, no, no,
no, you don't get it.
I've got a story
to tell you, man.
I've literally been
to hell and back.
Hell and back, huh?
That sounds like my
early morning ritual.
You know I stay on that
gas and dust it, brah.
You keep that shit
up, you're going to be
in a padded room for life.
My drug of choice
is EDM festivals.
[beat boxing]
Sorry, Ruby, we can't all
get high on life, all right?
Some of us need something
a little bit stronger.
No, listen, man!
It's this board!
It's got some kind
of unholy power.
It can send people
straight to hell.
I'm serious.
I think I stole it from a demon.
He drank people through a straw.
The only thing I
notice about that board
is it's lumpy and ugly.
I can prove it!
So, Aleister, sorry we had
to rough you up a little bit,
but the devil's had it up
to about here with his most
little unbegotten son.
Oh, I mean, mistakes
were made on both ends.
You know, I never
did ask the rest
of you what you're
all doing down here
working for the big cheese.
I'd really like to hear that.
Well, I can go first.
Virgil, as you know, we
were partners up there.
I was turning perps
into Swiss cheese,
and he was chewing up raw steak.
But then we went in,
guns blazing and--
to this drug bust gone bad.
Well, you know, I don't
think we should have
had an open casket funeral.
That was a big mistake.
Lot of bullet holes.
Yep.
That's the thing, you
know, murder is, uh--
isn't just a sin with--
with bad people.
It's still a sin with--
with innocents.
You know what I'm saying?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Hmm.
OK.
Next?
I used to run college parties.
And I had the whole shebang.
I had-- I had a petting
zoo and I had a DJ--
all the fun stuff.
Then one day the-- the--
the donkey made a little bit
of a mess in the living room.
And the family refused to pay.
So I went back later
on to gas their house.
Ended up exploding myself too.
Ouch.
I woke up here.
Wow.
Nice.
OK, so what about you, Judas?
Nah, how about Foley?
How about Foley?
What happened to you?
Well, I was in a
bit of a pickle, boy.
I'd hide cameras
in the ladies room.
One day, a female
bodybuilder caught me
and threw me out the window.
Face ended up like ground beef.
And I got here
missing my dingus.
VIRGIL: That must have been a
real surprise the next morning.
So, Judas, what's your truth?
Why don't you regale us?
Um, I had an
altercation at my school.
Things were said and a few
heads rolled, including my own.
VIRGIL: Ah, sounds like
a real gutter ball.
So stranger, Mr. Stranger,
I don't recognize
you from when you came in.
I just dropped in.
My name is Christopher.
I guess you could say I
had an eye for talent.
Ah, a shutterbug.
Did any of your stuff
ever get published?
Just my mugshot.
That was after I
was dead, of course.
Wow.
Well, you know, it's too bad
you put your camera down.
Because we always could
use a photographer
here to take pictures
of the devil, you know,
make him look good.
People say he's standoffish
and unapproachable.
But I don't know.
Soup's on!
Soup is on!
Delicious eyeball soup.
And might I add, the green
Irish chunks are the sweetest.
You know what, Tom?
You come in here with this rusty
cart with the squeaky wheels
every Satan-forsaken day.
And for what?
We don't want it.
We're not going to eat it.
It looks like shit.
Sir, I might
add that up there,
I was the personal
chef to Dr. Beef
Curtis and the Calibellends.
I think I know how
to put on a spread.
Fuck it, I'm dead anyway.
Let me try one of your
barbecue ear sliders.
All right.
Be careful though.
They are spicy.
[munches] [screams]
Wow, another satisfied sucker.
Why is my son such a disgrace?
I gave him life in
this toilet bowl.
And I can flush
him just as easy.
But it's not your
fault, my liege.
You know what they're like when
their horns start coming in.
[groans]
Those little demons--
[groans]
--they just rebel at that age.
[groans]
My Dark Lord, do you
think it's time to send
a search party to the surface?
Not yet, but maybe
after a full 48 hours.
That'll teach him.
I don't know, man.
It's this fucking board.
It's got some like,
really evil powers, man.
Evil fucking powers, huh?
I'm so scared.
I'm serious.
Do I look scared? 'Cause
this is my scared face.
I'm serious.
Fuck it, whatever, ride it.
Say motherfucking less, brah.
[energy whooshing]
Fuck!
Fuck you, Chase!
I told him this
was gonna happen!
He couldn't just believe me.
Fuck!
Shit.
Shit Oh my god.
Fuck.
[energy whooshing]
Oh, yeah.
DISEMBODIED VOICE: What
the devil did I do?
I think I'm home.
[distant arguing]
DISEMBODIED VOICE: It
wasn't my fault, grandpa.
Pretty fucking metal.
This is exactly what
I thought the devil's
asshole would sound like.
DISEMBODIED VOICE: Why
are you doing this to me?
I think I might stay awhile.
[suspenseful music]
Oh, no, no, no, no.
OK, nice trick, Kurt.
Now where's Chase?
He may be a dick,
but he's our dick.
I told you, he's in his
own personal hell now.
He might be back,
but I still haven't
figured out how it works.
I just saw the most
fucked up thing in my life,
even worse than when my cat
Potato ate one of her kittens.
Marianne, how many times
do I have to tell you
you're not supposed
to drink bong water?
Nobody.
You know that skater who always
used to give you melvins?
He vanished into thin air.
Oh, you mean, uh, Caleb Chase.
Yeah, it's funny, I told him if
I ever saw him in my park again,
I was gonna brand his ass
with our skate team logo.
He is so fucking dead.
Kurt and Ruby were there.
Maybe they can tell
us what happened.
I wouldn't talk to those two
shit stains if you paid me.
You know, I was going to
take Ruby to Fiends Fest?
She stood me up.
She was doing her hair or
something, some bullshit.
But I know what I saw.
Come on, we've got
to check it out.
Come on.
[groans] Fine!
Get off me!
[belt snapping]
I'm gonna have
a word with you.
Woody, you gonna forget me?
It's a two-for-one sale.
WOODY: Give him a good beatdown.
[belt snapping]
[suspenseful music]
Oh, shit, the board!
Ah, well, looka here,
a board with wheels.
I thought we agreed
you was gonna play
baseball, a real man's sport.
You're not my real father.
And I don't have to
listen to you anymore.
Calm down, calm down, Woody.
It ain't like we're stuck
in a box of Froot Loops.
You're right, Dill.
You want this board
back, you little prick?
Come take it from me.
[strap thuds]
Oh, Foghorn Leghorn!
My dominoes just went down.
[groans]
Enjoy hell, motherfuckers!
WOODY: You're dead,
you little prick!
[soft dramatic music]
CHASE: Where my hoodlums at?
Hey, hey, hey!
So how was your trip?
I think it's my turn.
Hell was lit as fuck, bro.
Yeah!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on a fucking second.
There's a board here
with some unholy powers,
you're giving it to daddy.
I've been praying to Baphomet
since I was a tween, so.
Slow your roll, my necro, OK?
You'll get this
board when you pry
it from my cold, dead fingers.
- Oh?
Oh, hey, buddy, isn't that
your favorite skateboarder,
Donny Vulture?
Yeah, weren't you, like,
part of his biggest fan club?
Doesn't his wife have a
restraining order against you?
Holy shit, that
is the Vult Man.
All right, well, fuck you, guys.
I'm out of here to
get myself a selfie.
[groaning]
[laughs]
Oh!
Stop acting like a turtle
and get off the ground, buddy.
You're going to make
our skate team look bad.
I can't.
My equilibrium's off!
You know I get dizzy.
Now get me a fucking ice pack!
It's my bad knee, woman!
Whoa.
Are you OK there, son?
What'd you do, pull
a gonad or something?
While you're here, have
you seen this board around?
[winces] All right, all right.
Here, take my hand.
I'll help you up.
[groans] Fuck you.
[farts] Oh, I guess those
spicy tamales were a bad idea.
Sorry.
Come on, motherfuckers.
I heard the
skatepark's this way.
Screw you, dickhead.
I'm the leader and
I'll say what I want.
You're not even my fucking dad.
Great.
Getting told off
by a 12-year-old,
what is my life coming to?
Boys will be boys, Albert.
You know what they say.
Social media is rotting
young kids' minds.
[chuckles] Back in my day, we
didn't even have cell phones.
Yeah.
How old are you?
100?
Hey, that's enough, man.
Come on, respect your elders.
Yeah.
Don't you have some
mysteries to solve
with your Great Dane, Groovy?
I can feel my
life force draining.
Why are you doing this?
[screaming] [groans]
[laughs]
Why are you doing this to me?
Because this here
is mutant country.
Ain't no room for normies in it.
You're not even ugly.
Yeah.
Look at your eyebrows,
they're gorgeous.
They're gorgeous.
If I don't kill you
tonight, my brothers
ain't gonna eat supper.
I don't taste good.
I don't taste good!
I can't wait to rip
his skin and eat it!
[laughs]
I can't wait to
get to his footsies.
[sobbing]
You dipshits better
not touch his nutsack.
[screams]
I need it on my leathery tits.
They're getting dry in the sun.
[laughs]
[toy gun firing]
You folks see this
big, ugly, hairy bastard
around these parts?
I've been tracking him
for years, no luck.
This guy isn't
part of the script.
Jim, are you asleep?
Huh?
Oh, I'll allow it.
I love improv.
Well, I don't.
Let's get this guy out of here.
Junior, are you ready for your
daily lesson for your reading
assignment last night?
I don't read books.
I fucking burn them.
Come on, guys.
You said it was my turn
to try the skateboard.
Stop it.
It's really evil.
We don't even know how it works.
[indie rock music]
Hey, trust me, you
don't want none of that.
(SINGING) Don't
bring me dow, ow, own
Bring the casket
It's like it's
reading my fucking mind.
Where are these motherfuckers?
Hello!
Is anyone working today?
I mean, I'll gladly steal some
wax and some grip tape, if not.
Hey, kids,
welcome to the shop.
What brings you in today?
I'm looking for Kane.
Is he here?
Where is he?
We wanted to ask him about
this cursed skateboard.
Cursed skateboard?
What did that used to
belong to, a crocodile?
Sorry, kids.
Kane's on a film shoot today.
Some mutant horror movie
called Leather Teats.
Leather Tits.
Teats.
Leather Tits.
Oh, these horror movie titles
are getting worse and worse.
[shop bell rings]
Oh, Mama Kat, we're
back for some new boards.
Awesome.
Let's get you fixed up.
What did you have in mind?
My basic setup of a hot pink
board with some loose trucks.
Just be careful
on those big hills.
How about your friend there?
I want a skateboard
with some sick graphics.
I'm thinking maybe a
unicorn surfing a rainbow
with a pentagram on his ass.
Sounds cool.
Take a look around, if you want.
(SINGING) You took
advantage of my heart
Don't believe us?
Watch this.
I can prove this
board has powers.
Great, here we go again.
[tense music]
[energy whooshing]
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
That was bitchin'.
That was bitchin'.
Uh, it sucks about
your floors, though.
Buck, did you set this up?
Well, great.
She's gone.
I told you.
Where'd she go?
To her own personal hell!
Oh, no.
That girl is my only potential
customer in over two weeks.
[sobbing] Nobody
buys my dresses!
DISEMBODIED VOICE:
[laughs] Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to kill her.
DISEMBODIED VOICE:
I went to church.
I was a good fucking person.
DISEMBODIED VOICE: Still here.
Please.
[sobs]
[laughs]
DISEMBODIED VOICE: I have money.
Please, take the money.
- Bad ass!
[tapping]
Where the hell am I?
What the hell am I wearing?
Wow, how dumb are you, Ruby?
You only work at the
best toy store in town,
and you're asleep?
What seems to be the
problem here, ma'am.
This dumb little bitch,
Ruby, is asleep at the counter.
And I want her fired now.
I didn't even remember
I had work today.
I feel like I quit
this job years ago.
That's a good one.
Nobody quits this job.
[rhythmic tapping]
[whooshing, splattering]
My dear Ruby, what are
we gonna do with you?
[cackles]
Sorry, sir.
My head is somewhere else.
Mine too.
But you know what?
[hand thuds]
Just for that, you're
gonna work all night.
No [lips smacking] lunch break!
Come with me.
I'm gonna take you
to my back office
to teach you about customer
and employee hospitality.
Ha!
Oh, yeah, you would.
[laughs] Ruby, come
get comfortable.
Take a load off--
because I know I will.
No, thanks.
I think I'd rather stand.
No?
Suit yourself.
All the female employees,
they ooze my sexuality.
Fat chance.
You're not my type.
How about you check this out?
Mini Godzilla.
Oh, my, that changes things.
Oh, yeah.
OK.
Yeah?
Close your eyes.
OK.
[screaming]
[knife slicing]
[groans] Why?
Is it because I made you
work the night shift?
No.
I've wanted to do
this for a long time.
I wish this were real life, but
I guess hell will have to do.
See you never.
Nobody's choking on
cock but me around here!
[gagging, coughing]
Give me that dick!
[sniffs]
[heavy metal music]
[munching]
Chase, what are
you even eating?
Sustenance.
[gags]
[munching]
Where did you find those?
Don't worry about that.
Well, are you gonna to share?
Good.
So, guys, how long
does it take to get
back from the underworld?
I mean, nobody really knows.
It could be minutes.
It could be hours.
I think it depends on how much
emotional baggage you have.
Which varies a bit, really.
I have so much emotional
baggage, I could sink a ship.
Yeah, well, I'm
living in my own hell,
having a look at your
pretty face every day.
Hey, guys.
Do you think she might buy
a dress when she returns?
[energy whooshing]
CHASE: Oh, shit.
Well, there she
is in the flesh.
Ruby, you look a
little different.
What did you do while
you were down there?
Kill somebody?
Something like that.
Yo, that blade is sick, son.
Let me borrow that.
You wouldn't want it.
It's covered in pervert blood.
[gags] I think
I'm gonna be sick.
I can't stand the
sight of blood.
Why do you think I wear
elbows and deep pad--
[gags]
So, wait, what
was it like for you?
Well, I was working
retail, so there's that.
That's bogus.
Yeah.
Yoink.
Well, it's my turn this time.
- No, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, man.
- Wait!
You want a dress?
Have a nice trip.
[energy whooshing]
DISEMBODIED VOICE:
[sobs] Come on.
DISEMBODIED VOICE:
Hands off my nuts!
[groans]
This place is bullshit.
DISEMBODIED VOICE:
Stop smashing my balls!
It looks like a cheap
Halloween walk-through
some haunt filter dreamt up.
I gotta tell Kane and
Buck about this junk.
[soft dramatic music]
[coughs]
Ah, you look beautiful.
Let me wax your eyebrows.
No, thank you.
[laughs]
What about your
Norwegian areas?
[laughs]
No, thank you.
But your work is marvelous.
Would you mind freeing my arms?
So you can leave?
I just thought if
you untied my arms,
you could do my nails better.
Ow!
[gasping]
[laughs]
Ow!
What the fuck?
These are my real nails.
They're not glue-ons.
Let me go get some bleach
so I can make 'em burn!
[winces] Fuck.
Shit.
Whew!
What the hell.
[laughs]
[liquid splatters]
[screaming]
Peace out, bitch.
I'm giving your salon a
one-star rating, fucker!
[energy whooshing]
[heavy metal music]
Mommy is home.
[laughs] Jeez, Kat, your hair.
What about it?
It looks-- it looks nice.
I should find a mirror.
[screams]
I mean, it's only
barely unsaveable.
I need to call my husband.
He's well versed
in the dark arts.
Yes, Kane's the
man with the plan.
That's who we've been
trying to get a hold of.
I mean, Kane's a good dude.
He is the first person to teach
me how to shred the gnar, brah.
(SARCASTICALLY) Kane.
Oh, Kane, he's so cool.
Fucking Kane.
Fucking Kane!
Hey, bro, who taught you
to stand on a skateboard?
You're pushing mongo,
for fuck's sake.
Hey, you mutant amateurs!
You choke somebody that long,
you're gonna fucking kill 'em!
At least wait for the
director to yell action!
JASON: That boy is turning blue.
Just like when I perform
autoerotic asphyxiation.
Jason, how many times
I got to tell you?
No one wants to hear that crap.
Listen, I can't even nibble
on my wife's ear lobes.
Yours lets you
choke your chicken
and put a belt around your neck?
Come on!
Someone sounds jealous.
What about butt play?
You know, when your
wife introduces toys
into the bedroom,
you got it made.
[overlapping chatter]
Uh, Jim, Max is
not looking so hot.
I'm sure he's fine.
Walk it off, kid.
Rub some dirt on it.
If we got time, I know
where we can hide the bodies.
It's a big desert out there.
I was a volunteer lifeguard
at the local swim hole as a boy.
I can help.
[grunts] I'm up.
I'm up.
I'm-- I'm up.
Is anyone else here
getting charged up?
Shit, must be a weak
signal on that film set.
Just keep trying him.
Maybe his battery's dead.
[KEVIN KRIMSON, "LAST ETERNAL
BLISS"]
Yeah, but did he
even bring his charger?
Dude's so forgetful.
[scoffs] One too many falls as
a young buck, if you ask me.
Shut the fuck up, fuck!
A little bit of a tongue
twister there, huh, Kat?
[laughs]
So, listen, why don't you go
grab me that board, all right?
I got a great idea.
You have two legs.
Why don't you?
Just do it.
Just do it!
Just.
OK, Shia Almost-buff.
Whatever.
Let me hold the
dagger real quick, too.
No way.
You're gonna hurt someone.
Just you if you don't
give me that shit.
I thank you.
Excalibur, I have the power!
Oh, boy.
Just don't slice your
pecker off-- or do.
You wish.
Follow me.
(SINGING) They want us to
scare ourselves to death
Give us one last kiss
One last eternal bliss
They want us to scare
ourselves to death
Chase!
Ruby!
Fuck!
(SINGING) Give us one last kiss
One last eternal bliss
Ding, ding, ding.
Hello?
What brings you two
into the shop today?
Need some new nuts?
Nuts?
I don't get it.
To attach wheels
to your trucks.
Dummy, you don't know
anything about skating.
I bet you still mall
grab your board.
What the fuck does that mean?
Mall grabbing is when you
hold your board by the trucks.
Everybody knows that.
Whatever.
Look at your fucking hair, lady.
I guess she didn't get it.
You know, punk's dead.
Huh?
- Eh.
- Eh?
Eh.
[laughs]
I had a hair emergency, OK?
Yeah.
Just tell me what you want.
OK.
We're looking for
a skateboard, OK?
I guess you could say
it's a special skateboard.
I guess you could say it
really takes you somewhere.
Do you know where we might
be able to find one of those?
Not here.
Yep, nope, nothing
like that at all.
Now, if you guys are looking for
a board with uneven grip tape,
I'm your guy.
Otherwise, no sale.
They obviously don't
know anything, buddy.
Let's go.
[indie rock music]
Are Pinky and the Brain gone?
I fucking hate those two.
I need to go find
Chase and Ruby.
Oh, they took the fucking board!
(RAPPING) Punk-ass
motherfuckers want everything
To be radio fucking
friendly, right?
I don't even know
what that means,
but I don't think that's good.
Do you guys have
the equipment now?
I mean, last night
you come here late.
You guys are my assistants.
The only thing
you're here to do is
to help me plant
the cameras to get
the upskirt beaver shots
for the video we're
gonna sell to the deep web.
It's the only way to get
me out of the fucking
jam I'm in right now.
Everything we have is
in this fucking movie.
That's it.
So we need more moolah.
Do you get it?
The beaver is gonna
save me, all right?
God save the beaver.
So help me plant
the fucking cameras.
Do you think those
beavers are hairy?
- I hope so, I hope.
- Hopefully.
That's what people want.
The hairier, the better.
The more views--
Yeah.
--the more money.
I love hairy--
Hey!
Filming somebody without
their consent, it's a crime.
We're not filming anything.
[stuttering] I'm testing
out a camera for dad,
for-- for-- for Jim, my dad Jim.
Come on.
Come on.
We're not filming anything.
We're testing out equipment.
Jesus.
I didn't even get
to see no hairy beaver
or any kind of beaver.
Boys will be boys.
Jim, are you gonna reward
that kind of behavior?
That's so immature,
even for you.
Jim can't help it.
He's a boy in a
man's body anyway.
Jim's no pickle boy, though
I am surprised he has a son.
That's it!
That's it!
I've had enough!
Now, everybody shut the fuck
up and get back to work.
You fucking hear
what I'm saying?
Get it!
Shut up!
He's ruining my
film experience.
Fuck.
Uh, this white makeup is
looking pale as a ghost on me.
Listen here, movie mom, no one
is going to be looking at you.
I am the star of this movie.
Like hell you are.
Did you ever share lines
with Harrison Bronco?
No, I didn't think so.
Oh, this is fucking great.
How could you leave
me behind like this?
This is fucking great.
Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Fuck!
Ah.
God damn it!
Why!
I need better friends!
One's a fucking gas huffer,
the other one's a murderer.
You did this!
There's no way they
want to go back to hell.
There's no fucking way.
I don't know.
I just-- I got a weird
feeling about this.
Like, what if news
travels around hell
about what I did down there?
You think the devil gives
a shit about what we did?
I'm serious.
There's got to be
some way the devil
keeps track of his disciples.
Look, if the
devil is real, he's
either partying with some
hoes or he's scratching
his big, fat red ass.
I don't think he's
thinking about us.
Why'd you want
the dagger anyway?
I want to use it to
kill my step-daddy.
Well, I hope it works.
But prepare for
thousands of years worth
of hard labor if it doesn't.
Could it be any
worse than this place?
Look, if I get stuck down
there, you'd come for me, right?
You know I would.
That's all I need to know.
Someone needs to tell these
demons I like to get busy.
Good luck, Caleb.
[THUNDERING ASTEROIDS, "SWALLOW
YOUR SOUL"]
Hey, Kurt, baby, is that you?
What's the magic word?
ZACH: Police.
(SINGING) When I
escape from the cell
Good evening, miss.
The name's Falk, Zachary C.
Falk, homicide detective.
I'm in the area investigating an
incident that happened recently.
You mind if I ask
you a few questions?
Yeah, sure.
Go ahead.
Do you recall your
whereabouts two nights ago?
I was here in this shop.
I'm here every night.
It's so boring.
Do you recall seeing anything
unusual or hearing anything?
Nope.
Same old, same old.
Oh, well, that's a good thing.
I'd like to show you a picture.
Does this board look
familiar to you?
(SINGING) Rock and roll
will swallow your soul
OK, actually it does.
Oh?
Really?
How so?
I feel it's relevant
to this case somehow,
but I haven't really
gotten any solid leads yet.
Well, it looks like
one of the boards
my customers brought
in a few weeks ago.
His name is Kurt,
really nice kid.
(SINGING) Swallow your soul.
Can you think of any
unique identifying features
that would help find it?
Kurt likes to sticker bomb
the bottom of his board,
like a sticker collage.
I get it.
I look like I'm old, but
I'm not really that old.
This job just ages you.
And I do know what
a sticker bomb is.
Can you think of anything else?
Kurt also likes to put
the wheels on his board
backwards to hide the logos.
That's really observant of
you, almost like a super sleuth.
So, do you have any
idea where I might
be able to find this Kurt kid?
I know that Kurt and his
friends don't have a home,
but they do like to hang
out at the skate park.
They like to hang out
at the skate park a lot.
OK.
I spent quite a bit of
time there recently,
but maybe I just missed them.
So if you can think
of anything else that
might be helpful or want to
talk about being a detective,
here's my card.
Thank you so much, Officer.
And, uh--
Nice meeting you.
And if you just want to
talk or play with my pistol,
just give me a call sometime.
Oh, I can't wait
to hold your pistol.
Well, you have a
great night, beautiful.
Thank you so much.
Pleasure.
Looking forward to
holding your pistol.
Me too.
[sniffing]
Oh, step daddy.
[crows cawing]
Step daddy, it's time to die!
Where you at, you inbred fuck?
Junior, are you ready
for your math lesson?
I already told you, I
don't give a fuck about math.
Teach me about the
bombing of Dresden.
Fuck you.
[heavy metal music]
What the fuck, Junior?
(SINGING) I told you before
and I'll tell you again
Fuck this bullshit!
It's not like I'm learning
anything in fucking algebra.
This kid is fucking hopeless.
It's like, I'm
fucking failing.
I don't give a fuck.
I don't fucking--
[pages ripping]
Fuck this shitty fucking book!
Hey, uh, does anyone
want to play a card game?
It's, uh, in another language.
But I'm pretty sure
I can teach you all.
Not now.
Thanks, dude.
I'd be up for a
game of strip poker.
Um, well, unfortunately,
it's kind of a family-oriented,
wholesome sort of game.
So it's not like that.
But thank you, though, Benji.
(SINGING) Put his
vengeance on you any day
Control our lives
Oh, it's your turn, homie.
Oh.
That is all mine.
Strip it, strip it, strip
it, strip it, strip it.
[gentle music]
Hello down there.
Can I help you?
When's the last time
you had a warm meal?
Well, let's just say, I've
been on an all liquid diet
since I got to town.
[chuckles] It shows.
You look like hell.
Aw, thanks for noticing.
Hey, would you consider
going into the shelter with me?
They're very nice
to people like us--
free food, free board.
The only thing not
on the table is sex.
Whatever you say.
Well, good.
Come on.
Lead the way.
[groans]
You're gonna like it in there.
Come on.
CHASE: I know you hear me.
What you want to do?
You want to beat me again?
Fucking not feed me for days?
I'm not so little no more.
Abuse my mother in front of me?
You have any idea
what you did to me?
You know what my
life is like now?
A fucking addict, fucking
sick all the time.
Fuck.
[body thuds]
[unsettling music]
[board thuds]
Hey, good luck getting out of
here without your skateboard.
I think he was gonna
use this dagger on us.
Yeah?
Well, let's see
how well she cuts.
Yeah, have at it, boss.
Fuck you, man.
You know, I've
been living in hell
for years because of your ass.
Yeah?
So why the fuck would you
think this place would scare me?
Funny thing is, after
you OD'ed, I thought
I'd never get a chance to tell
you how much I fucking hate you!
[laughs] Good night.
[knife slices]
Edith, what did I tell
you about bringing in strays
in the middle of the night?
He could be a druggie
or a serial killer.
I'm so sorry, Dutch,
but he looked like he
was really down on his luck.
I'm sure he's harmless.
Yeah, we'll find out.
Hey, what's your name?
My name?
Well, my earthly name is Howard.
But downstairs, they
call me Haagenti.
Oh, yeah, he's crazy.
You done did it again, Edith.
So where can I
crash for the night?
Well, if you behave
yourself, you can
crash down the hall over there.
Man, this used to be a swingers
club, but we go to bed here,
9:30 sharp.
Oh, and if you
use the restroom
and you see the numbers on
the wall, don't call them.
They're all hos.
I know that from
personal experience.
So, what's for breakfast?
Well, if I'm in a good
mood, French toast sticks.
If I'm not, plain oatmeal.
Hmm.
Well, I appreciate
your kindness.
Nighty night.
I hope the bedbugs do bite.
[laughs]
- Hey, wait, wait.
You see that bike over there?
That's my bike.
Don't touch that bike.
It's mine.
I'm the guard of the bike.
And this bike's clutch
only moves for Dutch.
Nighty night.
Nighty night.
Well, home sweet home.
[gentle music]
[farting]
Ah!
Nothing like a good
ass rip before bedtime.
Can't breathe!
Can't breathe!
Pull down the covers.
[gasping]
Dude, I'm sorry.
I thought I was alone in here.
This is Franklin's room.
I've been staying here since
this was a swingers club.
Ah, man.
Well, how'd you like my gas?
You call that gas?
That was weak.
What?
If you wanted to have
a fart fight competition,
you should have just told me.
[grunts]
[farts] There.
Oh, yeah?
[farting]
Nah, here.
[farts]
Oh, yeah?
[farting, grunting]
Ah!
Ah, my eyes!
[farting, grunting]
Franklin gives up!
I give up.
[laughs]
Oh, my eyes are burning.
My butt trumpet always wins.
[laughs] You'll be all right.
We'll get some
salve or something.
OK.
Let's get some sleep.
Come on, Franklin.
You're my new best friend.
Hey!
Keep it down in there!
It's after 9:30!
Don't make me come in there!
Turn them lights out!
Oh, Dutch, what's
all the racket?
Oh, he's making
a ruckus in there.
[groans] Smells
like shit in here.
Hey, Dutch, be nice
to all those people.
Yeah.
It's tough out
there on the streets.
Yeah.
Here, pull my finger.
[farting]
Oh!
[laughs]
Damn, it tastes like corn.
What did you have for dinner?
[laughs]
Oh, gosh.
[wheels squeaking]
Hey, hey.
Eat up, my Excellency.
How can you run hell
on an empty stomach?
I'm not hungry.
I don't deserve to eat.
My son is still missing
somewhere up there.
[sighs] Sir, if I may.
Do you remember the last time
Howard went missing in the '60s?
It's just as long.
What was he doing?
He was picking off hippies
by the Bay under a fake name.
And he came back.
He will come back.
You always know just
what to say, don't you?
Now, pass the eyeball stew
with extra garlic entrails.
Woo!
Oh, score!
Still a bottle of my favorite
hot sauce, colon-destroying,
just like I like it.
Dark Lord, a young
man has been murdered.
He's broken into one of our
personal hell simulators.
They struck him down
before his time.
Uh-oh.
That is not good.
An early death isn't
properly recorded.
The man upstairs will
chew me out for this.
As well as your son Howard
has allowed his skateboard
to fall into the wrong hands.
How would you like
me to proceed?
I think it's time for me
to get off my big, red ass
and retrieve my boy.
But sire, hell will
go to hell without you.
Who will run the trains and
make sure that they are on time?
You, along with
my personal security
guards, Virgil and Hogan.
You summoned us?
Reporting for duty, sir.
Yes.
It appears my son
may be in danger.
I must visit the Earth's
surface, sort this thing out.
You can count on us
to hold the fort down.
Oh, yeah.
No funny business on our watch.
Good.
Mother Earth has
given me a vision.
She says she will swallow
Howard by the morning,
although she will
not enjoy the taste.
[chuckles]
I can't take that chance.
Time for me to take
matters into my own hands.
[mop sloshing]
This isn't doing anything!
[heavy metal music]
[spits] Hey, guys,
I think I found
out how to track Ruby's phone.
I think I know where she's at.
BUCK: Well, what about
your partner in crime?
What's his name, Caleb Chase?
Chase?
- Chase?
Yeah, he's not answering.
His phone's dead.
But those two are
stuck at the hip.
They act like each
other's keepers.
I wish I had a keeper.
Kane said we could come by the
set later to show him the board.
Let's go find it.
I mean, the tracking
app might be a dead end,
but it's worth a shot, so.
Hey, Kurt, I
forgot to tell you.
Last night at the shop, the
detective was snooping around,
asking questions about you.
I think you're a suspect.
Suspect?
That's fucking rich.
I've kept my hands
clean since juvie.
Don't worry, Kurt.
If I see the cops, I'll
give you a warning.
Thanks for the heads up, Buck.
Come on, Kat.
All right, good
morning, everyone.
I hope that you all slept well.
Stop talking about me.
Time to get your grub on.
Um, Jane and I slaved
over a hot microwave
to get you this breakfast.
I'm starving.
I hope they have
quiche Lorraine.
I could be a Pop Tart myself.
Stop talking about me.
You know, I'm pretty
happy with whatever
these guys throw my way.
When I was a runaway,
I joined the circus.
And my ringmaster used to
take my cotton candy daily!
Pal, take it down a notch.
We don't want to hear
your whole life story.
I was a tightrope walker.
Yeah, and I got the stomach
jumblies pretty bad.
It was embarrassing.
They got rid of me pretty quick.
Stop talking about me.
Hey, I'm really sorry
about your face, Franklin.
It's just that
sometimes my sphincter
doesn't know its own strength.
Hey, no skin off my face.
[laughs] Good one.
That's a good one.
I will win the next
fart contest against you.
That's the spirit.
Awesome.
[laughs]
Maybe I'll put some more
of this aloe vera on here.
Yeah, I think it's helping.
[winces]
This place is bullshit.
More oatmeal?
How will I ever make--
stay in my weight class
with these elementary
school portions?
That's enough, Cage.
Now, I understand
you're training
to be one of them fighters,
but up in this place,
nobody gets a larger
portion than the other.
Don't make me
throw your ass out.
Please don't.
It's cold out there.
Yeah, I know.
But consider yourself up
in here a lightweight.
Now, nobody gives me
gluttony up in my shelter.
You hear that?
Amen.
Praise him.
No gluttony.
Praise him.
Where the hell
did you come from?
I'm everywhere and nowhere.
It's wherever the
good Lord leads me.
Well, aren't you
something else?
Where's your sister?
Hmm.
Her and I are not
speaking at the moment.
Oh, well, here they come.
Yeah, speak of the devil.
Look what the cat dragged in.
Hello, Sister Nancy.
How's it hanging?
You two are very late.
And, Sister, your
habit is crooked.
And Father Maurice,
you are very sweaty.
Well, we-- we weren't
partaking in sinful acts.
No, I haven't thought
about the male anatomy
since seminary school,
unlike you, little heathen.
You'll be judged
for your sins.
Oh, I hope so.
I hope hell is
ready for Nun Nell.
These poor souls.
This place is quite a dump.
I think I need a tetanus shot.
You got something
to say to me?
If you don't like the
way I run my shelter,
you can just get out.
My bad.
This place is drab, but garish.
It's kind of like a brothel.
Well, that's because
it was, Father.
And it's cheap rent.
Greetings, everyone!
I hope you're all
prepared to be shocked
and amazed at the performance
I'm giving later today.
My power to hypnotize
will be put to the test!
[yells]
It says we're right here.
Oh, there she is, and the board.
You think she's just
passed out maybe?
She doesn't look so good.
Where's Chase?
Who cares?
He's probably having
a meeting with a Hat
Man in some drugged-out stupor.
He's so fucked up on drugs, he
sometimes sleeps for three days
straight.
How does he go
to the bathroom?
He pisses in a jar.
He learned it from a
video game streamer.
Let's get the board
and get out of here.
This place gives me the creeps.
Yeah.
[soft dramatic music]
Sorry, Ruby.
Now we can bring
it back to Kane.
Let's go to the set now.
Yeah
[door opens]
[ominous music]
Hey, devil man!
You looking for
some party favors?
'Cause I got the best
booger sugar this side
of the northern hemisphere.
He's not lying.
My brother Ross, top
supplier for the demonoids.
And he only cuts his powder with
a little bit of baby laxative.
Damn it, Debbie,
you weren't supposed
to actually say that part.
This is why dad had us whacked.
Well, do you think
Satan really cares?
He looks like he eats
nails for breakfast.
Actually, I do.
Now, if you kids will get out
of my way, I have places to be.
See you later, Devil Daddy.
[distant wailing, moaning]
Oh!
I got one.
Mm.
Oh.
Mm.
Greetings, king of
the bottomless pit.
Hey, it's me, your infernal
bathroom attendant, Marty.
Would you care for a hotel
or maybe a tasty urinal cake?
The used ones are the tastiest.
HELL DEVIL: Are you loco?
Can't you see I have
a mission at hand?
[stutters] I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I should have known
better not to interrupt
somebody during a good BM.
Bad, bad, bad.
Carry on.
Hey, the boss isn't
here to do his business.
Actually, I am.
But right afterwards,
Chuckles, Dagon, and I
are using this stall as a portal
to visit the Earth's surface.
It is time to retrieve my son.
[footsteps]
[portal ringing]
[door thuds]
[coughing] Oh.
I forgot how shapeshifting
does a number on my poor back.
Dark Lord, you look different.
Yeah, have you done something
different with your hair?
I changed shampoos.
You two are fools.
Obviously, I had to
take on a new form.
Do you believe I could
walk among earthlings
looking like someone out
of a Goosepimples book?
I suppose not.
The new look suits you.
Yeah, you have kind
eyes, like somebody
you can trust not to gut you.
Enough with the compliments.
I'll get a big head.
We're here for one reason
and one reason only--
to find my son.
Don't forget about
the missing skateboard.
Are you implying I would
forget about the board?
Listen, my body
may have changed,
but I will give you a beating
if you sass me one more time.
My mistake.
Where should we
begin our search?
Not here.
[sniffs] I can't smell him.
All I smell is moose
pies and cowboy nuts.
If Howard is still on this
planet with his board,
this device will find him.
[gravel crunching]
Hey, man, snap out of it.
What's going on with you, Kurt?
Dude, you've been zoning out!
Hey!
What's your problem?
I don't know.
It's-- it's this board.
When you stare in its
eyes, it's like it
tempts you with everything
you ever wanted.
Maybe you shouldn't be
looking at it so much.
Yeah.
What gives?
The board's not here.
All the coordinates are correct.
My liege, do you think she
could be of some help to us?
I'm going to incapacitate
her mental awareness.
We can't have any witnesses
blabbing about us.
Be foolish.
Become foolish.
[energy whirring]
Oh, I like 'em crazy.
Can she be my new pet?
Come on, boys, let's
go find the board.
EZRA: Can I get your attention?
Everybody, over here!
Welcome to the party
of the century.
Yeah!
My name is Ezra.
I'm going to be your
party emcee for the night.
When the devil's away, the
fallen angels will play.
Am I right?
Am I right?
This party's kind of
getting out of hand.
You think it's time
to shut it down?
Why?
It's the most fun us demons can
have, with or without pants on.
You know what?
You're right.
I think it's time to get a
raw steak and chew on it.
[kissing]
[neck crunches]
[kissing]
[smacking lips]
Hey, guys, are you OK?
Do you need a lift or
maybe a frozen fudge pop?
You're very kind
to offer us dessert,
but we're still full from the
mealworms we had here earlier.
Uh, you're not from
around here, are you?
We're not.
We're from the Deep South.
Yeah, I can definitely
hear the Southern
accent in your-- your voice.
[kissing]
Your girl looks
a little confused.
Is she OK?
Oh, don't worry about her.
She's just lovestruck,
seeing a hunk like you stop.
I'm just-- I'm
just a TV repairman.
I-- I just don't like static.
Hey, is that a
dodo bird over there?
[fist thuds]
[groans] [gasping]
[knife slicing]
Uh-oh.
Do either of you
know how to drive?
Vroom!
Me race car driver.
[laughs]
No, sire, I only
rode horseback in life.
Don't look at me.
Ever since that swing
set hit me in the head,
I don't remember how to drive.
[laughs]
I guess we're walking, boys.
Let's go.
[spits] [chuckles]
That's nice.
[whimsical music]
Howard, is it?
Do these floors
look clean to you?
The grout in between
these tiles is filthy.
I like it filthy.
Reminds me of home.
Yeah?
Well, that won't get you
any extra oats at mealtime.
Dutch wants these floors
clean enough to eat from.
That's not the only thing I've
seen Dutch do on these floors.
Dutch is a
reformed sex addict.
Don't be such an ass.
Can't help it.
He feeds us so many oats, I feel
like I'm turning into an ass.
Yeehaw!
Yeah, well, Dutch
used to serve surf
and turf every other night.
But he's a gambling addict,
so food budget comes last.
Hmm.
He sounds like a real winner.
Bud, buddy, I'm glad
somebody's a winner.
Because-- because the
floor is not winning.
You're doing a terrible job.
Oh, right.
Doing my best, boss.
Watch, watch.
Give it to me.
Look.
The British way,
pinky up and scrub.
Oh, let me give it a shot.
OK.
Pinky up and scrub.
That's kind of a sexual move.
It's kind of a-- kind of
sexual connotations to it.
You know what I mean.
All right.
Just keep grinding.
I am a mutant MILF.
Yeah!
Oh, yeah.
MILF!
Yes, you're very beautiful.
What are you going to do to us?
Drain your blood!
[laughter]
You're sick and twisted!
I'm not twisted, the world is.
And ever since my mutant
family was pushed from our home
with a pitchfork--
Oh, yeah!
Yes, mama.
--we have been
seeking revenge.
Revenge!
When one of your little
normies cars breaks down,
we get to teach you
a little humility.
Break down.
[yells]
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
[growls]
Oh, an eye for an eye.
Yeah!
[clapping]
An for an eye!
[laughter]
I had nothing to do with your
family being run out of town.
Norman.
Ha!
Him, yeah.
That one.
Mutants have been treated
like lower-class citizens.
Yeah, citizens!
Well, it is time for the
mutants to take over the world!
[mutants cheering, laughing]
Ha-ha!
Yeah!
Nice shoes.
[groans] Oh my god!
[entrails splatting]
[mutants laughing]
What's going on here?
Are you guys doing a bit
of kidnapping roleplay?
Kinky.
Dude, help up!
She's fucking crazy!
Oh, shut up.
That's not even the safe word.
Can I join in?
You know, I'm--
Kane, Kane, where
are you, Kane?
Kane?
KANE: Cut, cut, cut!
Damn it to hell.
Take it from the top.
The fuck you mean cut?
Man, that shit was pure magic.
Small P, are you stupid?
These two are not even
part of the scene.
Let's do it again.
They're not part of the scene?
Barbara is the best
part of this scene.
This whole film, every scene
should be with Barbara.
She is like the cheese
curds in the poutine.
Barbara is like the
modern-day Brigitte Bardot.
[soft dramatic music]
[energy whooshing]
Oh.
It worked.
I'm back on Earth.
[sighs] And it's hotter
than hell out here.
Thirsty.
Oh, yeah.
Ow.
Not supposed to hurt.
[slurping] [sighs] Oh,
I feel a little woozy.
[body thuds]
[energy whooshing]
[groans] Some vacation.
[groans] I give up.
So what's the verdict?
Have you ever seen
anything like this before?
You sell a lot of boards.
Never in my life.
This thing is tripping me out.
Really?
Let's take a look
under the grip tape.
Good idea.
[skateboard flesh crackling]
Holy fuck!
I'm starting to believe
this board really is cursed.
It's alive!
Really, John?
Word of warning, Kurt,
get rid of this thing.
Whoever owned this before burns
churches and worships Satan.
Oh, sick.
I love black metal.
Didn't you say it
transported you somewhere?
Yeah, a little escape room.
It was like my
own personal hell.
I got taken to a personal
hell too, a beauty salon.
Wait a minute.
Did you guys say personal hell?
Damn, I've been
touching this thing.
I got to go make a confession.
So what should we do with it?
Destroy it.
Nothing good can come
from owning this thing.
Are you sure?
I mean, I could just
take it home with me.
I could put it up.
No way!
This isn't a dream catcher.
This is a soul sucker.
This place is weak.
These pukes all deserve
to die 10 times over.
If I still had my
pipe-bomb-making kit,
I'd end this precious
rager real quick.
Dude, what is your problem?
You having trouble
finding your tribe?
Pop one of our pills.
Call it a peace offering.
You'll loosen up real quick.
Maybe try a less
brooding look.
Maybe lose the sunglasses.
I bet you got beautiful eyes.
Let's show them all to hell.
Come on!
Don't touch the
fucking sunglasses, man.
They're from Italy.
[energetic orchestral music]
Come one!
Come all!
Prepare your anus-- your brain.
I mean.
Because I am the Amazing Arnold.
And I have come here tonight
to hypnotize your mind.
[cackles] Show
starts in 10 minutes.
Please take a seat.
Yeah, just--
Do you guys think
this man's legit?
I think it's all a scam.
So a friend of mine told
me that a friend of his,
after a party, he was
hypnotized by drinking
some spiked iced
tea, spiked iced tea.
It's all smoke and mirrors.
Bullshit!
These guys prey on
weak-minded people.
Once a hypnotist told
me my dead goldfish
was in the afterlife.
And he wasn't mad at me for
flushing it down the toilet.
You know, I've seen this
guy in a movie before.
Yeah, some-- some crazy
town where nobody drank
any coffee and all
the baked goods
were like a toxic green color.
[dog whistle blowing]
Quiet down, everyone.
The show is about to begin.
He has a whistle.
He means business.
He means business.
Shh, nobody make a peep.
We need to make a plan
to find the board.
Sire, what did
you have in mind?
The tracker has
gotten us this far.
The board is close.
We need to split up and find it.
But, Dark Lord, I
haven't been apart from you
in half a millennium.
Yes, I know.
It's time to cut the cord.
Cord fun.
Jump rope.
Rope.
I like that idea.
Let's-- let's go with that idea.
You all are useful idiots.
It's time to go out and
prove yourselves to me.
[laughs]
Who is-- who is ready
to be shocked and amazed?
Eeny, meeny, miney, moe.
There you go, Howard.
ARNOLD: How about
you, young man?
What's your name?
Uh, the name's Howard.
And I'm not buying
one bit of this crap.
[laughs] We'll see, Howard.
Step this way.
Go for it.
All right, all right.
[cheers, applause]
All right, all right.
ALL: Howard!
Howard!
Howard!
Howard!
[bag rustling]
Ah!
[gulps] I love food!
Trash food is good!
[can thudding]
Aha!
Caught you in the act!
What did I tell you
people about trash
and making a mess on my set?
[growls] Eating food!
Go away!
[growling]
[groans] Oh!
Oh, no!
I'm making a mess!
[groaning]
[entrails splatting]
Oh, there's blood everywhere!
It's disgusting!
Oh, I'm making a mess all over.
Look at all the blood!
Oh, please stop!
[groans]
[body thuds]
[laughs] You trash now.
[entrails splatting, whooshing]
Is the real makeup
artist off today?
What'd you say?
[gags]
MAN 1: Yeah, this is it.
MAN 2: What is this?
Ow!
MAN 1: Because, you know, I'm--
MAN 2: What is this crap
you're putting on me?
I'm a producer as well.
I love to produce
shit in the toilet.
I just hate to wipe.
[dramatic music]
[cackling]
Hey, sweetheart.
What are you doing out here?
I don't remember you
from the table reading.
You want-- you want a smoke?
I'll take smoking apparatus.
I'll get you one.
You want this one?
Oops, oh.
Uh-oh, butterfingers.
Cigarette butt.
Butt!
[knife slices]
[screams]
[blood splattering]
[laughs] Oh.
[body thuds]
You've got a third butt cheek!
[laughs] Ah!
Another one!
[laughs]
Who the hell are you?
Is Jim replacing me?
Listen, I'm the only
multi-talented actress
on this set, so buzz off.
Buzz, buzz!
Hey, why are you
still in character?
That's super weird.
But let me do you a favor.
This director is a total hack.
And he is not replacing me.
So you just stay right there.
And I'm going to go give
him a piece of my mind.
[body thuds]
[hammer thudding]
[gasping]
[bones cracking]
Hypnotize.
Hypmotize!
Howard, you are under
my complete control.
I have unlocked your psyche.
And I expect to hear the truth.
When I count to 3, you
will mind dump onto me all
of your earthly wrongdoings.
Uh, 1, uh, 2, uh, 3.
[suspenseful music]
For the last 20 years, I've
been visiting your surface
world from the depths of hell.
I travel here on my skateboard,
a cursed board crafted
by Satan, my dear old dad.
When I come up here, I
wreak havoc in the streets,
robbing and killing
the homeless.
My favorite drink is bum juice.
Mm.
I want to be good, but
it's so fun to be bad.
Franklin's disappointed.
We were friends.
You're killing my friends.
We even have fight competition.
[sobs] And this is
how you repay me?
I'mma kill this motherfucker.
Dutch!
Dutch, don't!
Don't, the feds
might be watching.
I don't give a
fuck about the feds.
He killed one of our own.
And it's an eye for an
eye in this shelter.
- Stop!
- Out of the way, Magic Marty.
Don't!
Don't!
[fist thuds]
Damn, this is some
heavy shit, man.
It is stanky shit.
You want to roll it?
Where the hell did
you get this stuff?
I can't even roll anymore.
Yes.
Hola.
Hola, amigo.
Oh, what's up, Stumpy?
Who you calling Stumpy?
I mean, you know, you--
You guys gotta stop
smoking this dirt weed--
Oh, this is the shit.
--and try this new strain
of the devil's lettuce.
I don't know.
I've been smoking the same
stuff since grade school.
And you know, it's--
Fuck that noise.
This new shit will
give you a full body
high for 24 hours or more.
No seeds and stems?
They both for me?
Yeah, you can have
as much as you want.
Wow!
Oh my god, well, you drive a
hard bargain, medicine man.
But, well, all right,
give us a taste.
You want to hit this.
I'm all good, baby.
OK.
Damn thing just went out.
What's that, a dildo?
Give me this shit.
Dildo!
[laughs]
- That's small.
I don't know what the
fuck you do with this.
Oh my god, you're a wizard.
How'd you do that?
[coughing]
[gagging]
Didn't anyone teach
you that smoking kills?
Is this guy doing something?
You're in the wrong
spot, I think, dude.
Like, you need to
go back over there.
You ordered a birthday clown?
Yeah, I don't know, right?
I mean, like, you
should be going
back to makeup or something.
Makeup?
I just came from makeup.
[laughs]
Get your hands off me.
What the hell
is going on here?
All right, I need you to
get the hell out of here.
Hey, check his pulse.
Oh, it's fine.
I used to be a
nurse on a TV show.
Hey, brother, I need you to
calm the hell down, all right?
This is horseshit.
Who are you?
Hey, um, he has no pulse.
Fucking run!
[screaming]
This board is pure evil.
Yeah.
You know what I think?
I think it's time
for trial by fire.
That's the only way.
What's fire going to do to it?
Once the flames
hit this object,
the spirits will
disappear into dust.
Fetch me the gasoline.
Not this one.
That board is one of a kind.
And it belongs to my son.
It's been forged with
the blood and tears
of thousands of lost souls.
Back off, demon punk!
I hold all the cards now.
One flick of this lighter--
This lighter.
--and this thing goes poof.
[howls] It's a
full moon tonight.
Do you like to dance?
Sorry, toots, I'm not
in the mood for dancing.
I've got two left
feet and this earth
food doesn't agree with me.
[retching]
[worms plopping]
You sick son of a bitch.
Did you really think you were
gonna get away with this?
Check his pockets
for something sharp.
He might think he can get away.
You can't be too careful.
Hello, operator?
This is Nun Nell.
I think there's about to be
a very, very bad altercation.
Please send help, please.
There's not about to
be a bad altercation.
It's happening!
They're killing him!
And then they're gonna kill me.
Holy shit!
What?
Nobody cares about him.
Nobody's going
to kill your ass.
[overlapping chatter]
- Just shut the fuck up.
I was just--
Why does it always
have to be about you?
Enough of this shit.
Give me the board or
suffer the consequences.
Never!
John, pull!
I am!
He's so damn strong.
I found you on the street.
I brought you in.
We took care of you.
You got any last words?
Yeah?
I'm sorry.
[scoffs]
Too late for
that, motherfucker.
I'll say.
[knife slices]
Gasoline, please.
I'm trying.
[groans] Oh.
I have an awful feeling.
I can no longer feel my son's
presence on this planet.
Freeze frame!
[clapping]
[gagging]
What the fuck is this?
The next ice age?
It's no fun when they
can't fight back.
[screams]
[dramatic music]
Chuckles?
Chuckles, where
art thou, Chuckles?
Dark Lord, why
is everyone frozen?
Are you daft?
Obviously, I froze
them so we could
slip away without being seen.
And what did I tell you about
that stupid clown makeup?
Those juggling freaks
scare the crap out of me.
I'm sorry.
Once I killed the
makeup girl, I just
got the itch to do it again.
When we get home,
you're grounded.
At least you finally
found the skateboard, sire.
Yes, but at what cost?
My son is dead.
Come on, boys, let's go home.
- Hey, how'd I look?
- You looked great.
- [laughs] Take a selfie.
- Yeah?
- Take a selfie.
- Great idea.
Take a picture.
Yeah, you ready?
OK, here we go.
Police.
Uh-oh.
What do we have going on here?
I did it, I did it,
I did it, I did it.
I mean, we did it.
Man, you ain't did shit.
We did it.
- Yeah.
I'm the one that
caught the motherfucker.
Well, we both caught him.
- Yeah.
But I'm the one
that stabbed him.
Yeah.
And y'all can't do shit to
me because it's self-defense.
Uh-huh.
Officer Dev.
Sir, please drop your weapon.
Drop the weapon?
Motherfucker, the
knife's in him.
How am I gonna drop it?
[eerie dance music]
[clears throat]
Who told you fucking
creeps that you
could throw a party while the
Devil Daddy was out of town?
Did I sanction this?
It's OK.
It's OK.
I'm generous.
I'm in a good mood.
Yeah.
12 years hard labor
for all of you.
Get the fuck out of my sight!
Now!
[dramatic music]
[board cracks]
[sloshing]
[board thudding]
Fuck!
Fuck!
Kurt!
Kurt!
Ruby!
Fuck!
[upbeat punk music]
Dr. Adrian Low.
How can I help
my favorite client?
I need some advice.
If you don't pay my fee, I
can't keep you as a client.
The bad vibes are
racing back, Doc.
I wish I was at home
chillin', smokin' grass.
You needed this job.
Playing video games
in your underwear
is no way to go through life.
It's worked for
me up till now, Doc.
I'll get you the money, Doc.
Please, don't drop me.
Look, don't call me back
until this film is finished.
Hello,
Hello, Hollywood
News Time Views,
big news in from Hollywood.
After a full 40-year
break, horror director
Jim Seamstress has returned
to make his new film,
Leather Teats 2.
Online reactions have been
coming in all day from viewers,
with everything from pure joy to
people excited for his return.
But there is also
extreme confusion,
as people are not
sure why we would want
another film in the series.
There are also a number of
people very upset and not
happy at all with his return.
Now back to you.
No one is who you
think they are, people.
[burps] Don't trust anyone.
They could be the
devil undercover.
Independent movie sets--
not safe.
That's why I'm glad
my parents only
let me do online news for kids.
Do any of you
guys believe in this
skateboard I'm
hearing about that
actually can take you to hell?
Come on!
Back in the day, I auditioned
to be in the original Leather
Teats movie.
I knew the director
from college.
Oh my god.
Oh, that smells horrible.
911, please come.
There's, like, dead bodies.
Like, I'm just walking around,
and then there's these,
like, organs and dead people.
What is this?
Please come as soon as possible.
Why did that movie
include skateboarding?
You don't board in the desert.
It's sandy.
My dad and I are going
to watch Leather Teats.
That's right, folks.
I'm a cool dad, so
don't give me any shit.
Yeah, he lets me
watch R-rated movies.
The devil comes
back to Earth to find
his son and his missing board.
What is the plot to a
Shawn C. Phillips film?
Horror films were
great in the past.
But Leather Teats was
never, never a good film.
What does a over
70-year-old man know
about making a horror film?
Next week, we are
going to be having
one of the surviving
producers of Leather Teats
to get his side of the story.
A movie called Leather Teats?
Never again will I be
made a viral moment.
Those people that own
that shelter, they are not
who you think.
We were always friends.
We always did
everything together.
[sobs] Ow, that burns.
Two people found
at the local park.
Is there any connection to
the recent string of murders?
I can't see Shawn Phillips
turning this story into a movie.
This story is just too much.
The devil comes back to life?
He looks like the
canned ham kid.
If I can get an interview
with one of those actors
that survived, one could dream.
Hey, Austin, you
did great earlier.
When that gorgeous mutant
stomped on your skull,
I actually believed your
brains turned to mush.
And not just because
you're a dope.
Appreciate that, man.
Sure.
I can't believe that old,
dusty fool Jim Seamstress
is back to making films again.
Low budget movies suck.
Bring on the superheroes.
I really will not be getting
to see Leather Teats part 2?
[sighs] God.
Sometimes good things do happen.
A murderer hiding
out in plain sight
at a local homeless shelter.
--sees that nobody realizes
that I'm an undercover mutant.
Excuse me, excuse me,
do you guys want waters?
Snacks?
Gabby, get the
fuck out of here.
Just selling.
Go, shit.
Nobody liked the
original Leather Teats.
We didn't need a sequel.
I wish that I was
part of that film.
I know people died, but it
would have made me a star.
I can't believe that
I almost auditioned
to be part of that terrible
Leather Teats movie.
Wow, Chad, just
look at those muscles.
You must do some heavy lifting.
Thanks for noticing.
I only lift my wood.
You should give it a try.
Who would watch
a movie like this?
You would have to be insane.
I wouldn't really want
a sequel to the film.
I mean, the original
was always a shit film.
Every fool in today's
day and age with a phone
thinks they are a director.
I was so hyped
for Jim's new film.
I hope it doesn't end up like
that lost Ernest pirate film.
I heard rumors that people saw
people vanish on a skateboard
and go straight to hell.
I was thinking about
picking up a skateboard again.
But no, I don't feel like
risking what can happen.
I'm glad I never wanted
to be cool like that.
Choo, choo.
[screaming]
Pancake Man.
I want to see Leather
Teats on the screen again.
If I was on a film
set, I'd kill all
those motherfuckers on there.
Nobody realizes that
I'm an undercover demon.
Would you guys believe that I
almost went into acting instead
of becoming a news anchor?
I'm so happy I
didn't go that route.
See, just like
I've been saying,
horror films bring out
the worst of people.
They are terrible.
You know, a hypnotist told
me one time that my goldfish
was in the afterlife.
And it wasn't even mad at me for
flushing him down the toilet.
Holy fuck!
They did melt. What the hell
went on in here last night?
People need to look
into the homeless shelter.
I think there's something
up with that place.
Who watches movies
like Leather Teats?
You really have to
be nuts if you do.
Our news team will be on
location taking a closer
look at the area where all
of these unexplained murders
happened.
Would you believe they
wouldn't cast me in that film?
If I were there, this
wouldn't have happened.
I want to let you all
know in my next video,
I'll be at the location
of the murders.
I just can't wait to get out to
that abandoned ghost town, boys.
This was filmed on very
haunted and sacred grounds.
A lot of people were
killed in this location.
I'm so glad I didn't send my
audition to be in that film.
Instead of
Leatherface, the killer
wears a suit made out of boobs.
Hey, I'm skatin' here.
I'm skatin' here.
[growls]
[screams]
[roars]
As an indie filmmaker
myself with zero money,
I would never make one of those.
Don't mess with
evil skateboards.
Everything on that
set was so R-rated.
I wish I was old
enough to watch.
This entire thing
makes me think
about my own personal hell--
gym class.
Jeez Louise, the
goddamn Melvins!
Wow.
Crazy trip.
Lucky we're all alive.
Yeah, no doubt.
Uh, thank you for letting
me work here again
while Kane's busy.
I could really use his cash.
Yeah, man.
Plus, now you
don't have to steal
the skate wax to use as lube.
You get it for free like me.
Total win-win.