Skid Marks (2007) Movie Script

( beeping )
Hey, what do you--
Hey, hey, what do you
think you're doing?!
Thinking about the summer
that went by too fast
( man groaning )
Hey! Ah!
All the money invested
And I wasted time
Ohh, eeee!
Everything's gonna be okay
Everything's gonna be okay
Everything's gonna be okay
Don't worry about a thing
There'll be better days
( man )
Oh, come on.
I wanna go for a ride.
Whoa Whoa
So I started a band and
got booed off stage...
Boys, boys, his colostomy bag!
We gotta shave that
time in half, amigos!
I could have transpo'd
every blue hair in this building
in two minutes.
( patient yelling )
You couldn't shave my ball sack in two minutes.
Shut up! ( stuttering )
This is b-bullshit, Richie Rich!
How about n-next time
we clock you?
You're all heart.
Now cowboy up, let's roll!
( Rich )
Hey, Rich here.
Head of the illustrious
BALS ambulance unit.
Welcome to Bayside, where
we're famous for two things,
( man )
We French are the best drunk drivers in the world!
( woman screaming )
...and tourists.
Did I mention drunk tourists?
Anyways, I digress.
See, we're EMTs, Emergency
Medical Technicians.
That's a step or several stories below
your basic well-trained paramedic.
And stop calling me "Jacques"
and call an ambulance! Oh!
Being an EMT in a small
town ain't that bad.
It's almost as good
as being a celebrity.
The only problem is we got a
little friendly competition.
( dispatcher )
Wake up, 82,
we got a fender bender
at Fourth and Park.
This is unit 8-2, are they insured?
Well, hell, let my
check my crystal ball.
No HMO, no go.
Don't make me come out there.
No-- no homos?
Is that--? What?
You said, "No homos, no go."
No, I said, "No HMO."
You don't know what I'm
talking about, do you?
You're an idiot. Sure.
The captain's coming,
don't embarrass me.
Good evening, sir.
Don't call me "Sir."
I'm off-duty and
potentially undercover.
This should help with tonight's mission.
That'll be $50, sir.
Shut up, Neil!
You must be joking.
Have you forgotten who
signs your little checks?
Don't forget whose hand feeds you.
We read you sir.
That's good.
You boys are gonna go
far under my guidance,
just keep the good stuff coming.
( chuckling )
( Neil )
Have a pleasant evening, sir.
I already am, let's go, sweetheart.
Your wife looks very beautiful tonight!
Especially her boobs.
That's not his wife, doofus.
That's why we're gonna videotape it.
Boobs like that just
make me want to grab them
and just put the nipples in my nose
and ( sniffing ) inhale.
I don't wanna hear that. Okay.
( dispatcher )
Unit 9-6, this is county.
I need you to get your
butts to Fourth and Park,
In the old days,
firefighters would get EMT duty
as a form of punishment.
That's why you've been doing
this for four years, huh?
Some sort of sick f-fucking punishment.
"It's not what you are,
but what you do not become that hurts."
A Greek guy said that.
S-seriously, Rich,
We c-cannot live like this forever.
Hey, man, who says this
is living, huh, One-Foot!
Hey! One-Foot!
Yo, boss.
Beer me!
Can paramedics do this?
Wait for it...
Take it, take it.
Wanna hit-- hit
this, playa?
No, no, no, I'm with child.
Come on!
Rich, we got a bit of a
cluster fudge-pack back here.
You better watch yourself, midget!
Who in the hell are
you calling m-m-midget?
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Ladies, please!
Your whole family's short!
Your momma's short!
Time out!
You're both pretty, okay?
Are-- are you-- are
you staring at me?
Stop staring at me, Neil.
Neil, I'm not fucking
around, cut it out!
Oh Jacques!
Oh my head! Oh!
( on loudspeaker )
Would you excuse me, Miss?
I wouldn't make out with him tonight.
I can tell you, that's a herpes scar.
Ambulance? Stop!
We're EMTs, we want you to be healthy.
( Jacques )
You're not going to run after it?
( both laughing )
( imitating radar )
Richie, pizza boy is locked and loaded.
Where in the hell are you guys going?!
Tarzan and Jane want pizza.
( tires squealing )
Ow! Oh!
Aw! Aw!
Oh my God!
( Rich )
You okay back there?
Oh my God, here we go.
( pizza boy )
Guys, I didn't do anything.
What are you doing?
( Rich )
Sweet ride.
It's awesome, really cool.
Ow! Ow!
What are you guys doing?
( Jamaican accent )
Yeast infection quarantine.
Yeast infection?
I don't--
Just be thankful you
haven't ingested any pizza
in the last six hours.
Does a large extra cheese count?
This could be bad.
He's looking pretty white to me, boss.
what are you doing?
Ow, okay, ow!
Easy, easy, easy! Don't manhandle me!
Ow, you pinched my nipples!
( Rich )
Calm down, my brother.
You don't be needing
your nipples right now.
How many fingers there, man?
I can't see, dude.
You're flashing your light in my eyes.
Not good.
I am a nice guy!
They're doing that stupid
trunk midget gag again.
Neil, chimp time.
Not even God can save you now.
Go get 'em.
( Rich )
There's damage to your optical nerve.
Yes, pepperoni!
Oh! Oh, oh my God!
No, you're not going to die,
you might be blind.
Please, son, leave this to
the pseudo-professionals.
I need you to squawk.
Universal EMS code, man.
It might just save your life tonight.
All right, brother, squawk!
Squawk, pizza man!
This is a roadside molestation!
Rich! Rich!
You just be lucky we be come by here.
Rich, he's stealing the patient!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
That's our 150 bucks!
Come on now!
Got your patient, bitches!
( pizza boy )
Guys, come back!
I have a yeast infection!
Oh God, there's poop on my leg!
( tires screeching )
( man on loudspeaker )
We're almost to hound, someone call an ambulance!
God dammit, those BALS are fast!
Oh, we're gonna bring the pain!
( Rich )
Hey, Neil and Bob, riddle me this?
Ooh, I love riddles.
What's the past tense of "shit"?
What is it, "shat"?
Go, go, go, go!
Merry Christmas!
( all laughing )
Throw this!
I got pooie on me!
Throw it!
Isn't a horse tranquilizer dangerous?
Neil, throw it!
Oh, oh, oh!
Nice shot!
Ew, you're pooie.
( One-Foot )
What the--! What--!
What the hell is that?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Hey, new driver, new driver!
Don't throw me on the wheel!
Neil, get it off your fucking face!
Get if off!
Jacques, what are you doing? Voila!
This is how you get
things done in my country.
Watch out for your shoes!
Jacques, Jacques! What are you doing?!
Medical assistance! Oh!
What the hell is that?
( siren blaring )
Wake him up! wake him up!
Please, Rich, wake him up,
I'm gonna kill this guy!
Move, get off the road!
Rich, come on, he's coming!
I demand that you stop this ambulance!
You look healthy to me, man.
French, but healthy.
Bite harder!
Oh my God! Brakes, brakes!
Oh, Jacques!
( Rich )
Gas, on the gas!
( woman )
Why are you in this trash dump, why?
( man )
Congratulations, carrot queens.
You managed to strike a new low
in the annals of emergency
medical care history.
Due to budget cuts and
your flaccid performance,
this city is cutting back
to only one-- count
it, one-- EMT unit.
He said they're cutting
back to one EMT unit.
Wait, so it's
either us or--
The DIC unit.
The EMT unit with the
most patient transports
wins a shiny Cadillac El
Dorado with white walls.
Seeing as the DIC unit is
based out of the hospital,
we'd have to, like,
double our patient load,
which seems like some type of work.
I didn't take this job to work.
May I suggest that you pack
up your little clown car
and drive your lazy ass back
to the chocolate factory!
Oh, Sarge, don't worry.
One-Foot's all good.
It's just his little lungs are
so close to that little brain,
he just fires that
oxygen right up in there,
messes him up a little.
Look, we may not be great at what we do,
but we are almost average.
Right, guys?
( T-Bone snoring )
Christ, Bones!
You're on desk duty for
falling asleep at the wheel.
Large-and-in-Charge, you're
in the field, son, with, uh...
Oh yeah, you are in the field
with Mr. Mary Jane Rottingcrotch here.
And what about me, Sarge?
Grow up!
That's right, soldiers.
Hard times call for hard choices.
( snoring )
( wolf whistling )
Meet my illegitimate
adopted daughter, Lai Mei,
my attempt at diplomacy when I
went back to 'Nam after the war.
Lai Mei, you ride with,
uh,... oh, Stumpy here.
Lai Mei, baby, you can ride
Stumpy anytime you want.
Now it's up to you!
( snoring )
( man )
My heart is pounding, Rich.
I'm feeling like a real paramedic!
Lesson one, Chunk, we
are EMTs, not paramedics.
Oh, yeah, okay, okay.
Paramedics get paid a salary,
have training,
and, hey, actually save lives.
You just worry about
saving your own, got it?
Got it!
Roger! My man!
Richie, you fucker,
you! What's up, man?!
What are you doing here, man?!
I donate sperm every Thursday. Nice.
Yeah, it's my beer money, bro!
Hey, when I'm gonna ride
in the ambulance with you?
I'm training a rookie this week, man,
but I think next week
it's someone's birthday!
I love you, bro!
Hey, did you check out the new girl?
Where? At reception.
She's just the way you like 'em, hot!
There you are.
Are you ready to donate?!
I might need help taking off my pants.
( humming )
Holy mother of God.
Can I help you?
Megan, is it? Yes.
Picking up or dropping off?
Picking up.
If you have anything that
cures instant attraction?
Pepper spray works.
Oh, smarmy, beautiful...
Almost perfect.
Mmm, almost.
Rigid, hmm...
"Warning, erections may
last up to 72 hours."
What will they think of next?
Are you
always this--?
Handsome? Charming?
Sexy? Annoying?
Could you just fill one quick 'scrip?
Whoa, how did that that get there?
Wow! My bad!
This is blank.
Are you sure it doesn't
have your number on it?
You know, I don't usually do this,
but for a special guy like you?
Have fun.
Special guy.
what the--
You couldn't get picked
up in a gay chatroom
even if you were bent over and lubed up.
Hitler, Himler.
Uh, my name's Neil.
Question for you, be-yotch.
Oh, I mean Ri-otch.
Did you know we're up on your crew
by almost 20 patients?
( coughing )
( both laughing )
Uh, uh! What's the matter?
Wheelchairs make your butt pucker,
Bobby boy?
No, he just used to
drive the wheelchair van
for, like, ever, makes him nervous.
Shove it, Neil!
Oh, Bob.
Listen here, ball sack,
you're the lower class.
Watch your toes.
The slackers, the slobs, the losers.
DIC will always
be above BALS--
Especially when you're gone.
But, alas...
What is a DIC without its BALS?
Huh... useless.
You're useless!
Ow, my neck.
Warning, erections lasting over 72 hours
should seek immediate fornication.
It's really a shame you
don't have girlfriends.
With a little scheming
this time next month,
we're gonna be the only EMTs in Bayside,
and then those BALS
boys are gonna be S.O.L.
Damn right, Bob.
( women laughing )
What's everybody laughing at?
If we were paramedics,
no one would be laughing!
( dog barking )
Oh! Ah!
Oh, nice catch, Bob.
There's a dog ripping
off my penis flesh!
Help me!
Neil, Neil, stop screwing the dog!
( screaming )
Get the puppy off
your dick and help me!
Why are you laughing at me?!
This is a serious matter!
Oh, God!
You can bet your ass, I'm
gonna make those BALS pay,
slow and painful.
Yeah, I like how that sounds.
Make those BALS hurt,
painfully and slowly. Yeah.
I'm gonna tickle those BALS.
Be naughty.
I'm gonna knock 'em back and forth.
Yeah. I'm
Sir. Sir.
Something organic and truthful
about a locker room, don't you think?
My ego's on the line here, boys.
That's why I need you to play out
this phony patient total scam and win,
legally or not.
Even if it
means a little--
Oh, you didn't hear me say that.
No, that was Bob who
just said that, sir.
Now, we're gonna keep
this little arrangement
just between us, get it?
Got it. Got it.
Good, carry on, men.
So firefighter, huh?
Yeah, save the day and get
paid above minimum wage.
For once--
how about you?
I always wanted to be a police officer.
I'm a big fan of unnecessary pain.
Are you? Suffering.
Nipple clamps once in a while.
Nipple clamps?
I like nipples, and I like clamps!
Ay-yi-yi-yi, that
works, that works, oh!
My turn? Yeah...
( man )
Oh, oh, oh, yeah! Whoa, hello!
That's embarrassing.
I don't see anything
that warrants a call
to nine-double-one
in here.
Was I being too loud, again?
What's your deal, buddy?
I am--
I said,
what's your--
Ah! Oh!
Oh, snap.
Oh my God.
How did you get that in that vacuum?
Am I in trouble? No.
We take care of this right here.
( dog grumbling )
Hey, how are you?
( barking )
Ugh, great.
I don't see the point of this.
Shh, I can't hear them.
Shouldn't we be trying to
boost our patient totals?
We're way ahead.
This is gonna make sure
that we stay that way.
Know your enemy, Neil.
Got it?
( cat snarling )
Would a little affection
now and then kill you?
( dialing phone )
Living the dream, huh, Pops?
( woman )
You've reached the Lonely Loser Love Line.
I think I got something.
Where you can get it on
with anyone or anything.
Before you select a species,
here's this week's special.
Have you ever really had pork?
Most people don't
realize that--
Rich is a dirty animal freak?
... And they love a good spanking.
Make your selection after the tone.
I'm gonna record this.
You're into that? What?
I, uh--
Two, marsupials.
I said--
Three, invertebrates.
I said that we should
get some ice cream later.
Four, reptiles.
( Rich )
Ooh, come on, someone trip,
choke, drown, pass out.
Do you think I'm stupid?
Oh, my.
Me? No.
I think your mother used
food as emotional compensation
for a lack of self-esteem
brought on by a father figure.
And she passed the fat onto you.
Wow, you know, I admire
how intelligible you are.
Thanks, Dane, that's sweet... of... you.
Nice, two for two.
And three--
( hacking )
Okay, if that's not
illegal, it should be.
I'm gonna go get something to drink.
Hey grab me a beer and my surfboard,
would you?
Mmm, pass the gravy, I
could eat of that ass.
( Megan )
Oh, that is so tasteful.
What? Ah, hey.
Yeah, what do you expect
from a lonely loser
looking for love?
Ah, you called?
Yeah, I'm a desperate man, I admit it.
Hey, what are the odds
of us meeting like this?
I'd say more odd than anything.
Although we are a block away
from the only hospital within 40 miles,
a hospital that I work at.
But, still, more odd than anything.
You're gonna make some lucky girl
a great ex-husband someday.
So, coffee? See you later, Rich.
Have fun with those binoculars!
Brunch? Pictionary? Yoga?!
That close, that close.
( dispatcher )
Any available units,
hermaphrodite Jesus
is-- over. Ah!
Rich, come here!
You just created your first patient.
Oh, no.
Good job, El Grande!
( groaning )
Is she all right back there?
( car honking )
I'm sorry, but we're
gonna have to cut it off.
I think I ruptured my implants.
These aren't real?
And it hella-kills.
My compliments to the chef.
Do you have anything for pain?
We can apply pressure or numb it.
Numb it?
Ah, sorry.
We're not allowed to
administer any drugs.
However, there's
nothing written about...
Little smoky smoke?
Megan, what are the odds?
( laughing )
Is she drunk?
Well, yeah, but mostly just stoned.
You gotta love you EMTs.
Thanks, Karl.
Get her to the emergency room.
The pleasure was all mine!
( laughing )
Don't even think about it, Fatboy Slim.
Oh, ah, oh, that was
not what it looked like.
That's too bad for you.
I'm gonna put myself on the line here
and just let it all hang out.
Honest looks good on you.
Okay, aside from my job and social life
running on empty, my life sucks.
My cat pisses on my
sofa on a bi-daily basis,
my dad drowned in a
bathtub when I was 15,
he was a Jim Morrison fan,
so it sort of worked out for him.
He was a paramedic, which I'll never be
because of the whole test anxiety thing,
so I became the next-worst thing, EMT,
which affords me the luxury
of no real responsibility,
emotional purgatory
and the rare cop-a-feel.
Does any of this make sense to you?
Not really, but it's consistent.
Again, honest looks good on you.
You know what else would
look really good on me?
Sorry, that's force of habit.
Look, I know you don't
have time for life.
But I was thinking, maybe, just maybe,
we could have no life together.
Somewhere... sometime.
Somewhere, sometime could be nice,
and then again, maybe it couldn't.
You know what would
look really good on me?
You are a medic, ain't you?!
Yeah, sure.
Look, we're short today.
I need you to take this gomer
to urology for his tests.
The way he's been acting,
he's lucky I don't
request a hydrocolonoscopy.
That would cure the bastard.
On the double, ma'am.
( French accent ) No, no, she's joking!
Don't worry, sir, don't worry, sir,
I'm a trained professional.
Let's get it right this time.
That needs to go in the last cabinet.
Stuff it in the back, yes.
Oh, take my partner please.
Yeah, and give this
up? I don't think so.
Whoa, don't look now,
but the sons of sodomy
are taking prisoners.
( honking )
( Neil on loudspeaker )
Neil, The Neil-o-nator...
( Bob )
Neil, turn off the PA!
So did Sarge give you those numbers?
Yeah, real shocker, we're still behind.
You know, I am never
gonna make firefighter.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
You were never gonna
make it before, anyway.
( woman groaning )
Shut up!
Aw, why look, Neil.
It's Mother, Jugs and the Dweeb.
Let me ask you a question.
You ever actually save anybody?
Or do you just sit
around and be retarded?
You know, actually, I
saved your mom last night
after she choked on my donkey stick?
Does that count as saving?
No? I'd say it.
Excuse me,
the adults are having a conversation.
Would you like something
to tide you over?
Perhaps a balloon animal?
I'll make it for ya.
Look, a bird!
You shrimpy son of a bitch, One-Inch!
I'm gonna fucking kill you!
Hey, uh, hey, Rich,
how's not getting laid going for you?
Oh, and last time I checked,
I believe you ball sacks are
behind us in the patient count.
Last time I checked,
you were still the
limpest dick in Bayside.
And isn't it better
to be behind than in front, Bobby boy?
Not gay if you're giving.
This doesn't end here!
Yeah, this doesn't end here!
Come on, Neil.
In case you haven't noticed,
Bob and I are the she-yat!
It's not gay if you're giving?
I heard it was.
( Rich )
Are you stinking what
I'm thinking, little man?
I'm One-Foot ahead
of you, Mo-sucka.
It's stuck.
Why don't you stop
pulling on it like a girl?
Right, right, right...
Ahh! Ugh, oh God!
I did not go through
three semesters of
community college for this!
I went to Harvard for a little while.
Or I thought about it.
How many times were you dropped
on your head as a baby?
One time.
I think it's the reason I'm balding.
I'm gonna get those BALS
if it's the last thing I do.
( groaning )
Ho-ho! Oh!
I've been wanting to try this thing out.
Hold him down good.
Slim, you'll always be my hero!
( laughing )
( echoing )
My hero, hero, hero...
( merry chattering )
Help! Help!
Please, I can't swim!
What am I to do
My feet are off the
ground I'm unbound
It's all because of you
And now I know...
I can't swim!
You've had a little doubt
From way beyond the
shadow of our feelings...
We can work it out
I know you're standing in a crowd
From way beyond the
corner of the ocean
We can work it out...
( woman )
You'll always be my hero!
( echoing )
Hero, hero...
( Rich )
Wow, that is hot.
You white boys ain't right.
Sarge wants everybody outside, pronto.
I got plans.
You three have fun.
You done?
I gotta get to work.
All right, listen up, peckerheads.
Come on.
( shrieking )
It's high time you
bring a little integrity,
a little grit to your uniform!
If we don't beat the DIC
unit, we're all out of a job!
Where in the hell
is that freeloading
felcher Rich, anyway?
He's the main reason
your butts are in this position.
Make sure you thank him.
Mmm, mmm, mmm!
( sighing )
Is this the part where you stalk me?
I prefer hunting with no intent to kill.
Sounds utterly romantic, but I'll pass.
This is somewhere, sometime.
No, this is nowhere right now.
( alarm chirping )
Disco ball, Kama Sutra,
Jacuzzi-- of course.
I hope you brought your bikini.
It's for special transports.
Am I special?
( laughing )
Speaking as a seasoned
medical professional,
I would say you need to relax.
Blow off some steam.
Stress-related heart attacks
are the number-one killer
among laughing, smiling,
giggling, beautiful
medical professionals.
Is that so? Yeah.
Alcohol without liquid.
( coughing )
It's a vaporized alcohol
mixed with just a little bit of oxygen.
Designed to help your victims relax?
The whole van
thing just screams--
"A-Team," right?
Jeffrey Dahmer, Charles Manson.
Oh, ho! Oh, oh, hot!
I think your van just went AWOL.
I'm gonna fix this! Ah, ah!
Just know that I'm here for you.
( siren blaring )
( on loudspeaker )
Folks, if you look to the left of the bus,
you'll see not only the
ugliest man in Bayside,
but he also doesn't
actually have a penis.
I would feel bad for him if
he wasn't such a ball sack!
( radio chatter )
Knievel hotbox.
Where is everyone?
'Cept for One-Foot, home.
Sarge got a b-bad case
of the crabs or something.
Said t-there's no way
we're gonna make it.
And the DIC unit ass r-raped us again.
Yeah, not to worry.
Let's just say they'll
be hearing from me.
No-Leg called about a dozen times.
Dispatch sent DIC unit
over to pick him up.
Oh, shit, his birthday!
What about patients' calls?
Screw the patients, man.
I'm the only friend he's got!
Tell One-Foot to saddle up.
Richie never forgets my birthday.
Faking a seizure
is the only way of
getting out at night, bro.
You hear me?
( clearing throat )
Bob, do you see anyone here having a seizure?
No, I think I see someone
who's been faking a seizure.
Hey, who is this?
Is this your new girlfriend?
Oh, hello, I'm No-Legs' girlfriend.
Look at me! I'm an idiot!
An idiot with a beard
! Oh, I have gingivitis.
Neil. I'm angry!
I'm a
rhinoc-- Neil!
Oh, you think this is funny?
Oh, who's laughing now?
I don't hear you
laughing anymore, No-Legs.
It's not funny anymore, is it?
Let me out of here, I can't breathe!
I can't breathe! Come on, Neil.
Hey, nice night for a
51-50 call, huh, fellas?
Dammit, Neil.
Aw, what's wrong?
You DICs having trouble
finding the hole?
( No-Legs )
You assholes!
Oh, I can't feel my legs.
You missed me, jerkoff!
I was just wondering.
When you two 69 each
other, who's on top?
Is it--
No one talks to my Bobby
that way, you little Gremlin!
( Rich )
Do your thing, little man.
Grab the little bastard!
Okay, here we go.
I know Tae Bo, you little bitch!
Grab him!
Ah! Oh!
My penis!
You're gonna pay for
that, you little son of a--
( Neil )
Okay, David, time to meet Goliath!
Aaaaayyyyyy! A-ya, ya, ya, ya, ya...!
Oh, hell, he's got my leg.
of a--
Oh God! Oh God, my foot.
Get off me!
Why are you so mean?
You are a useless piece of shit
and an embarrassment to this squad.
Watch your tiny back. Yeah!
Come on, Neil.
( Neil )
Oh, he bit my leg!
I can't believe a midget kicked our ass.
( No-Legs )
What took you fuckers so long? I faked a fucking seizure.
Somebody's special day!
It's my fucking birthday, assholes!
Hey, I want to see some tits.
Culo! Nalgas!
Can I bring a friend?
Oh, it hurts so bad.
Who bites? No one bites.
That fucker's like a
two-foot tall vampire.
Are you gonna cry?
Neil, don't cry... Neil, stop crying.
Neil, do--
pull yourself together
and hit the lights.
( man recorded on loudspeaker )
Attention all units, attention all units,
how would you like to see our units?
We're Neil and Bob,
proud sexually ambiguous
members of the DIC unit--
Turn it off. Turn it off!
I can't, it's--
...and we love wearing women's clothing.
Neil is a Capricorn rising
with a moon in Uranus.
He enjoys spending time
with his imaginary
friends and smoking crack.
Don't worry about it,
don't worry about it.
You know why?
'Cause at least we got their patient.
Oh, shit! Shit!
Dammit! Shit!
Shit! Shit!
Shut up! Fuck!
Goddammit, Neil.
It's my fault. This is your fault!
No, no, no, it's not.
Damn right this is your fucking fault!
No, it's not your fault,
don't blame yourself!
Don't touch me, I know
it's not my fault!
You don't listen, Bob,
it's not your fault.
It's not your fault.
Dammit, Neil, not you, too.
It's not your fault, Bob,
it's not your fault, Bob.
Stop making me cry, you fucking jerk!
( men hollering )
Boobs! Boobs!
Happy Birthday!
One of the real things!
Oh, come on!
Come on, show it, show it!
So what's your name, honey?
Louis, but everybody
calls me "One-Foot."
Ooh, you're taller than One-Foot.
Well, that's not why they
call me "One-Foot," honey.
That's why, that's why.
I see.
Yes, three legs, baby, three legs.
Lock him in the gates of heaven.
May your friends always be special.
Rich, Rich, Rich!
Your liquor cold, your women hot,
and your troubles slide
off you slicker than--
Lai Mei?
Only guys allowed on sniffer's row?
I have never been more
attracted to anyone
than at this very moment.
( man recorded on loudspeaker)
...members of the DIC unit,
we love wearing women's clothing.
Neil is a Capricorn rising
with a moon in Uranus,
he enjoys spending time
with his imaginary friends
and smoking crack.
Oh, I'm gonna kill that Rich.
Bob is a Scorpio on the cusp
who once performed the
Heimlich maneuver on a hamster.
You see 'em? Great, they're gone.
It's not us.
We borrowed
this from our--
Shut up, look-- Just
look for 'em, look for--
Hi, we're Neil and Bob,
proud members of the DIC ambulance unit,
and there's nothing
we enjoy more than...
Mugs 'N' Jugs?
You thinking what I'm thinking?
Yeah, slumber party at my house tonight.
( laughing )
We'll get marshmallows.
Load the gurney.
My very special friends,
One-Foot proudly
introduces to you--
Sinderella, with an "S."
Very creative.
This here is Roger, he touches himself.
But it's his birthday,
so how about you shake that moneymaker?
Dance for me!
Culo, right here, right here.
Come here!
I don't dance for 'tards.
These are my friends!
Whore! Whore, whore!
Whore! Puta!
Oh, I forgot, you don't have any legs.
Come on, come on!
This is why I don't strip no more!
Bring the blackness out in me,
You gonna make me
take my shirt off--
( arguing and hollering )
I can fight, I can fight!
Ow! What
What the hell's you're problem, man?
Stay out!
Say "cheese," window-lickers.
Ow! Ow!
What the hell, man?! Ow, pepper spray!
Get 'em, fuckers!
Get in the rig, retards!
Hey, that's not politically correct.
Neither was that slap, get in.
( Neil )
I feel bad about last night.
What are you gonna do with
their crutches and stuff?
Won't they need 'em?
Mind your own business.
Well, all done, boss.
Neil, look again.
Oh, dammit! Neil...
Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit! Neil.
Dammit, dammit! Neil, Neil.
Dammit, dammit...!
Neil! Neil! Neil! What?
What did I tell you
about being positive?
Right... awesome.
Awesome, awesome, awesome,
awesome, awesome, awesome!
Your little foray last
night was spectacular.
Bravo, men, bravo!
Keep that up and they'll
be calling you paramedics
in no time.
Drop the ball,
and you'll be driving a
wheelchair van for life.
Get it?
Got it. Good. Got it, good.
I like how that sounds.
"Neil, the paramedic."
But I also like,
"Neil, the guy who drives
the wheelchair van for life."
Both sound good.
( Rich )
( One-Foot )
Dude, isn't the paramedics test
like six months away?
Yeah, but it's a least a
year's worth of reading here.
Whoa, whoa! The stench of despair!
If we don't beat the DICs, it's over.
No firemen's school
and no cop academy and
no paramedic groupies,
we are seriously losers.
We get to party like it's 1999!
Ah! Ah!
Ooh! Ooh!
Gentlemen, come on!
When life gives you lemons,
for God's sakes, show some courage.
Drink beer.
The car's running, guys--
you're coming with me.
Oh yeah, oh yes, oh yeah.
You're coming with me and
you're gonna have a great time!
I like to get drunk
straight So-Cal punk
So people think we're, like, heroes,
because, I mean, what we do
can sound all glamorous and everything.
Would you like to try
some cranberry spritzer?
Ay, papi!
Ever go south of the border?
ma-mah no-mah.
DIC unit, right on time.
Rich, the eagle has landed.
Uno momento.
( Rich on radio )
I think it's time
our friends Neil and Bob experience
a real MRT call, over.
We're just here to watch
what it's like to have fun
or are we going in?
Leave the rig, Neil? Yeah.
That's exactly what
they would want us to do.
Then why'd we come?
To get the drunken idiots on tape.
Oh, right, that is brilliant.
Hey, if they come out and
they do something funny,
we can send it into that show,
the North American
hilarious video tapes show.
Did you see the show last Thursday?
They had this, like, tiger
and he was on the stool and
he was like-- ( growling ).
And then the zoo trainer came out
and he kicked the stool
out from under the tiger
and the tiger
was like--
( growling )
"Help me!"
You know, like in
tiger language, right?
And the guy that sent
in the tape got $100.
Are you still talking?
( Rich )
Thomas Aquinas' theory of duality doesn't make sense
in a modern-day paradigm.
I'm sorry, ma'am, you're mistaken.
Oh my God, that's J-Lo!
Hey, you got my message!
Yeah, how'd you get my number?
OBGYN Kenobi never
reveals his sources--
medical records.
I need a drink.
I can find you two drinks
and a shot and a lime.
Right this way.
Where in the hell is the
pisser in this joint?
I gotta pee, I gotta pee.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! ( crowing )
You'll pop a vessel in a minute.
What is that?
Please do that again. Ow!
Don't give me orders,
I give you orders!
( women moaning )
Come on in, little munchkin.
I represent the Lollipop Guild.
Prepare to be conquered.
( growling )
Ooh, he's frisky.
This is my confessional.
And why are we in the closet?
I have a problem.
I met an incredible,
fantastical volunteer
at the hospital, actually.
And she is beautiful, smart, sassy.
And that's your problem?
Yes, no-- she's not
the problem, I am,
'cause when I look at
her eyes and her smile,
all I do is talk cheesy lines,
crazy sayings, stupid jokes.
Oh, and then words become action
and I end up with the Jacuzzi
in the back of my Charles Manson rig.
Look, bottom line,
I would really like to get to know her.
That's really sweet.
What do your lips taste like?
And why are we in the closet?
Yay, tonight's my night!
Yes! Kicking ass!
( woman )
I'm in love.
( woman )
Oh my God.
( dispatcher )
Unit 82, got an MRT at Seventh and Main.
Wait, wait, wait, isn't
that the Franklin house?
We just hit the mother-flippin' lode.
Oh, yes! Wait, what's an MRT?
Multiple Reject Transport.
Oh, yes.
Hey, can I drive? No.
Oh, come on, let me drive.
No way.
Come on, please? No, Neil.
Please? Neil, no.
Please. Neil.
Please, please, please?
Neil, No! Dammit, Neil!
You always drive, please?
Fine, all right, you want
to drive, you can drive.
Go around, I'll switch.
No, no, no, if you
want to drive, go ahead.
Are you fucking kidding me?
No, after your little
baby parade right there,
you're gonna fucking drive.
Go around, all right?
Woo, finally!
Okay, I'll go--
I'll go behind.
Ow, you're stepping on my foot.
I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
You go to the left.
I got it.
What-- no, get down,
what are you doing up--?
Neil, Neil, hurry up and get over!
Ow, my foot!
What are--
Hoo, damn.
Oh, I hit my pinky
toe. Shut up and drive!
I hurt my pinky toe.
Get the fuck in the seat
and drive, all right?
Okay. Stop clowning around.
Have you driven before?
Safety first.
No, just fucking drive.
We gotta go pick up patients up now!
( Neil )
You know who I really hate?
( Bob )
Gee, I don't know, Neil, who?
The little one? Yeah,
he's a little bitch.
Oh, oh, oh, oh...
I wish I could just take him
and slap him and murder him.
And not get your ass kicked
by him this time, right?
Smells kind of like asparagus.
That's odd.
I like asparagus.
Did you pee in the rig again, Neil?
Aw, Looky what we got here, Neil.
Hey, fuckers.
Mm-hmm, what'd you
call us in here for?
To change your tire, bitch?
Haven't you heard that
he who messes with Mr. Bob
must pay dearly.
That's right.
And I wonder what else you got know of,
I think he's got no nipples,
which would be interesting to look at.
Look what we got here, No-Legs.
It's your friend, peppy spray.
Oh, looks like somebody's
gonna have no face.
Yeah, your turn to feel the burn.
Die, hooker!
Um, Bob?
There are wheelchairs everywhere.
( growling and hooting )
Take this, you freakin' rejects!
Oh my God.
( yelling and growling )
Get these fuckers!
( Neil and Bob shouting )
With all the jerking off
you frat boys do together,
I thought you'd be tougher.
Are you sure you're a chick?
You win, I'll show you.
Ooh! Oh! Oh!
( sirens blaring )
Move it, move it! It's a beer bust!
( chaotic shouting )
All right, gentlemen,
have your boarding passes
and IDs out and ready at the door.
So this is the wild
life of a paramedic?
I wouldn't know, we're just EMTs.
Whoop, there you go.
I'm sure paramedics have even more fun.
Oh, drunky, no throwing up in the rig.
No throwing up in the rig.
I don't know that girl!
Oh! Okay, ow, ow, ow!
That ties DIC.
Nice, that's a lot of cash per slab.
Slab? These are college kids.
But to us, they are future rehabbers.
Going up! No!
And our ticket to a better tomorrow.
Wait, where's Shortbus?
I don't know, where's anyone?
Okay, start the rig, now.
( Rich )
Moving out.
Rich! Rich!
Rich, we
got the--
Wait, hold on!
Rich! Rich, wait!
( man )
They're stealing our brews!
Run, Zane, run! Run your fat ass!
Get him, get him!
Get the keg, get the keg, get the keg!
Yes, all right!
( Bob )
I swear, you're all freakin' dead!
( Neil )
Ow, get off, get off, ow!
From now on, I will steal
handicapped people's spots!
( Bob on video )
I've got you right in the viewfinder, Captain.
This is gonna come in real handy.
( Neil )
I've never been beaten like that.
Oh, no.
I think I'm missing some toes.
Oh! Oh!
Oh, Bobby!
Ah, my nipples!
( Bob )
I think I'm gonna cry.
I had fun tonight, but
we do have a problem.
And what would that be?
You now know where I live.
I wouldn't really worry about that.
I totally followed
you home the first day.
Yeah, oh, by the way,
I've been living here for
a while and the cable bill--
Shut up and kiss me.
( horn honking )
Come on, get a room!
Your patients are waiting, doc.
Ah, I owe you an O.B.E. next time.
An O.B.E.? I'm afraid to ask.
Oral breast exam.
I do housecalls and I work weekends.
( T-Bone )
It took less time to free the slaves.
Hey, don't make me run, come on!
Got sperm?
You do now.
This needs to get to the fertility lab
on Beech, stat.
Why the Styrofoam?
We ran out of sample cups.
Okay, oh--
you're very angry.
You know what?
I like that.
Do you know if this counts
as a patient transport?
Because there's probably dozens in here.
Can I get your, uh-- Can
I get your phone number?
Oh, because you're homeless, right?
I understand, I understand.
Have a good day, homeless lady.
They found some drugs
missing during my shift
and I've been fired.
Oh my God, sweetie, oh...
It was you?
Me? No.
Oh God, this is a
sample, this is--
This is my life here.
You may not like your
job or take it seriously,
but I do.
Wait, how can they
even fire you anyways?
You're just a volunteer, right?
You know, I'd turn you in,
but I wouldn't want you to lose
your precious big-money EMT gig.
God, I suck.
God, I am a douche bag.
( Neil mumbling )
I don't want your number anyway...
I am sexy.
One day a girl will realize it.
What was that? Oop!
Oh, shit.
"Wouldn't want you to lose
"your precious, big money EMT gig.
Anybody there?
( dispatcher )
We got a BWS at 1120 Terrace, over.
1120 Terrace Lane,
copy that, Roger, over.
Yo, Rich? Hey, Rich?
Hey, let's take this
one ourselves, huh?
You and me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Karl.
I am not going anywhere
with your Susie-Q flabby ass.
Listen up, little man!
You're gonna go with me out on this call
because I have wanted to be a paramedic
ever since I was six years old
and pulled out of that
sewage treatment plant.
Do you copy me?
Okay, yeah, I copy.
I was just kidding, Karl.
Try Rich again first.
Move out! Doctors.
We're already up half a dozen calls.
Or six.
Anyway, this'll really slow 'em down.
You actually did something good?
You know it.
( Karl on radio )
Hey, Rich, we got a call, Rich.
Yeah, so?
Can't you handle it
yourself there, buddy boy?
By myself?
( whispering )
I sound like Rich.
Isn't that what I just said?
Get humping there, Super-size.
Roger that.
That's it, let's go!
I knew it, I fuckin' knew it.
We could have used that, you jackass!
All right, look.
Let's just drop this cum pack off.
Hey, where the hell is that
pint-sized crack sniffer?
One-Foot? Yeah.
Oh, your partner just left on a call.
By himself? Yeah, not so good.
What's One-Foot usually say?
Yeah, he does say that, doesn't he?
Are you smelling that?
Oh, I think this is spoiled,
or a black guy used it or something.
Let me see that.
It's a chocolate shake, you kumquat!
What'd you do?
Ooh, chocolate? Chocolate?
I mean-- no!
Neil, no!
Neil, stop it!
Neil! I'm eating!
Neil, Goddammit,
you're gonna get hyper!
Ah, Neil!
That's it, we're going
back to the hospital.
Hey, nurse, I said I don't want any more
of your stank-assed freedom
fried cafeteria food!
I just want a chocolate shake.
Here, take it.
That's all, it's too much to ask?
Oh, yeah, merci.
I said, "chocolate freaking shake!"
This tastes like splooge!
Hmm, tasted a lot of splooge, have you?
No. No, no?
Lying ass Frenchman,
stupid mother fucker.
I can't fucking believe this shit.
Motherfucker tell me what to do...
Bone says this is a GPS.
It's not a GPS, you idiot, a BWS.
Oh, well, then, so
what the heck is a BWS?
( woman ) Hello?
Since when were you not a rookie?
Hello? I'm in here!
Beached Whale Syndrome.
I'm right here, I can
hear you! Now you know.
I fell, I'm in a lot of pain here.
I have just undergone a very
complicated medical procedure.
What seems to be the
problem here, ma'am?
I need something for the pain.
Look, we're EMTs, so we
can't administer drugs.
Oh my God.
Let's just put her on the backboard.
I just--
What-- what are you
doing?! I'm hurting here.
Here we go, backboard's down.
Roll her back.
Oh, oh, oh!
Feel free to just roll me over!
It's okay, ma'am, we're professionals.
We do this kind of thing all the time.
One, two, three! I
don't have it yet, Karl.
Wait! Oh!
( groaning )
Oh my God! Peanut butter?
Pookie, Pookie, go to your room!
Somebody help me!
You find that cup. You
find that cup right now!
I will, I will.
You ruined everything,
you ruined every single...
I know..
Hey, nurse!
My husband is captain of
Bayside's medical personnel
and he's going to hear
how you refused to give
me pain medication!
You know what, ma'am, I told you before,
we don't stop pain, we merely induce it.
Did you say your husband was
captain of EMS for Bayside?
( woman )
Yes, I did, and you can bet--
No, bad dog, no!
( woman )
Get this tiny pervert off me!
Smells like peanut
butter down here-- Karl!
You are eating future
humans you little bastard!
Give me the cup, you asshole!
Give it to me now!
I hate French baby-eating assholes!
( screaming and hollering )
All right, beat like there's
no tomorrow, little buddy.
We gotta get this cup
filled and delivered
by the end of our shift or
we're totally goat-holed!
That's an ugly dress.
Who's your Bobby? Who's your Bobby?
Yeah. Who's your Bobby?
No, not you, you idiot!
( both grunting )
I need the cup, Neil!
Neil, hand me the cup!
Oh yeah, Bob's doing
it! Bob's doing it!
Bob is doing it!
Oh, I'm so good.
What are you doing? I'm working!
( groaning )
Okay, I'm just gonna shoot it in there.
( groaning )
It didn't work.
This isun mistico del mar, si, si.
Muynice, capitan.
Didn't you get the news?
Yeah, actually I did.
Why do you think I'm here?
To congratulate the winner.
I never thought I'd say this,
but you're better than us.
If I had my way,
I'd round up every sick,
elderly, mental whack job
welfare-checking loser,
load them all into your ambulances
and drive you all off the nearest cliff.
That's enough, Juan.
Get off my ass!
You don't want the happy
ending today, mister?
No, I'm fine, thank you.
Maybe tomorrow.
Look, Sarge, you're gonna
have to realize that--
You like my new recorder?
What you recorded was just a joke.
Some people call me an old softy.
You know why?
Because from the bottom of my heart,
I believe that it's important
for you and your unit
to have another chance.
Have them at the EMS
lot tomorrow morning.
Son of a bitch!
Esta bien, capitan, esta bien.
Why'd you let him in here?!
Guys, I've done all I can for you.
Now it's up to you.
Like it or not, tomorrow at 0800
is a paramedic field test.
What? D-Day.
If you guys don't pass,
the whole unit's done for.
Don't you have to, like, go to school
to pass the paramedic test?
It's a test to qualify for
paramedic school, Meatloaf.
22 hours, soldiers.
( Karl ) What?
I suggest you use it wisely.
22 hours.
No more bullshit.
If any of you fail, I'll
kick a new hole in your ass.
So I'll be drinking alone.
Ah, you work here? Ah, Christ.
A few beers to wash the drugs down?
I may have taken a few
sample packs of Rigid,
but that was it,
and they were sample packs, I promise.
Wasn't our five minutes in the closet
worth anything to you?
I was thinking about
going to nursing school
or paramedic school.
I was hoping maybe
you'd be around for that.
Why don't you just
nurse those beers down?
We're done here.
Can I get a pack of regulars too?
I want to propose burnt toast to Sarge.
Screw the test, let's drink the rest!
Rich here seems to mess
up test time every time.
I think he does it on purpose.
Could be worse, could be sober.
We need a new leader.
All right, I nominate myself.
You know what? You are a disgrace!
And that is coming
from a fellow disgrace!
( T-Bone )
Man, I'm outta here.
And my bone's outta here,
my dong's outta here...
... my joint roller, my steam roller.
One-Foot, what do you do
when life gives you an enema?
We heard this speech
before, getting kind of old.
No, no, no, no, no, hear
me out, black sunshine.
This is "A.T.M"
Yeah, "Ass to Mouth."
Actually, I was thinking
of Aldus Manus Torpus--
Torpus Man--
Whatever, it's Latin!
And it means, "Family Never Dies"!
And what we got here,
this place, each other...
God, this is A.T.M!
I'm Ass to Mouth?
Yes, Karl!
Let's face it, for Christ's sakes,
we are sloppy seconds,
we are day-old donuts,
we are the skid marks
in life's crotchless panties.
And when someone comes up to you,
and says, "You're a reject,
"you're a freaking loser,
you are an unacceptable human being,"
you say, "No!"
He's right!
We are EMTs!
Fuck, yeah!
We here today are the one, the only,
we are, my
Ass to Mouth! Ass to Mouth!
Mouth! Close enough!
Let's fuck these assholes
and make 'em sleep in the wet spot!
All right, that was a
little bit over the top.
But I like your spirit!
( all chanting )
A.T.M! A.T.M!
I can't hear you, Lai Mei!
A.T.M! A.T.M!
A.T.M! A.T.M!
A.T.M! A.T.M!
Woo! Yeah! Woo!
Let's go b-beat some DIC!
( record scratching )
I think he meant Neil and Bob.
No, I didn't!
Oh, ah, ow!
Goddammit, Neil. Sorry.
All right, okay.
Neil! What?
What is your problem?
Okay, open the gas door!
Not the gas tank, the gas door!
Open the gas door!
Very-- very good,
okay, all right!
You'll awaken the entire
fucking neighborhood!
All right!
Okay, here you are! Here!
Ow! Ow!
Ow, ow!
You are like a puppy on crack!
What is your problem?! Calm down!
Switch! Wait, wait, wait.
If we use the DZ gas,
won't it cause them to
have, like, hallucinations?
And maybe internal bleeding?
Yeah, exactly. It could be dangerous!
Exactly! Switch the fucking tanks!
You still up, man?
What's this?
( Bob on video )
If you wanna be a ninja, now is the time to be a ninja.
Hello, ha!
Where the hell did you get this?
The DIC unit.
( Neil )
I don't mind stealing drugs for Captain Limison,
but I feel bad that that
pretty girl got fired.
Will you shut up?
Is that thing on? No.
Then shut up and help me, butthead!
Hey, my friend B.O. needs
some "herpe" medicine.
Do you have any in there?
No! What is wrong with you?
That, my friends, is our golden ticket
to the chocolate factory,
and I'm not talking about
the fudge-packing district.
Turbo-Heat powder.
No that big, Bob.
Wow, Bob has a little
baby pee-pee, doesn't he?
Little baby pee-pee.
Oh, it's a cute, little baby pee-pee.
Dude, you just touched
his baby pee-pee. No.
Let's get out of here.
I am not satisfied with
this pedestrian thoroughfare.
We gotta take it up a notch.
Rich, that baby pee-pee is gonna burn.
Yes, it will.
Well, then, what else would
you possibly have in mind,
oh great one?
I hope you don't think you're special.
You have 30 seconds.
They'll be here.
Just so you know, I got an "A+" in CPR.
( Karl )
I think we might be in shock!
( all )
I think we might be in shock!
Neil and Bob are sucking cock!
Neil and Bob are sucking cock!
( woman )
Listen up, ladies.
Welcome to the field
portion of the EMS test.
Statistically, most of you
will fail miserably today.
The few who do pass
will have to survive a living hell,
so stay alert
as you're administering
to the victims of a WMD.
Bayside, you're up first.
Show 'em what the losers can do!
Sir, are you dead yet?
Learn CPR!
I don't think this is oxygen.
Neil, I don't want any of it.
No, look, look, I think it's nitrogen.
Come on, guys, God dammit!
Oh, man, I am an African princess!
Here are my boobies!
( distorted laughing )
Oh my God!
Oh my God!
You're bleeding, wow!
I'm naked for my love.
Neil, put your clothes on!
I can't believe we failed.
You Dirty Sanchez'd an old lady.
I can't believe the Nazi-twins passed!
They passed by default
because we let them win.
I can't believe they only gave us
24 hours to get out of here.
And you guys thought I
was the fucking retard!
Look at you losers!
Please, don't get up.
Hey, those EMT assholes
from the hospital
are getting their acceptance
certificates today.
Oh, and how the hell do
you know that, Roger?
They happened to mention it to me
when they stopped by to give
me a little going away present.
Lai Mei, what are
your thoughts on pain?
( No-Legs laughing )
I like that!
You look good, Mami!
Damn, she's good. Caliente!
Mamasita, come here!
She look good.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Roger, Roger, Roger, Roger!
Roger, Roger, Roger.
I get a little too happy, you know?
Deep breaths, deep breaths.
Good, good.
She caliente.
Yes, caliente.
Caliente, hot! Caliente.
( Rich )
Anybody feel like crashing a party?
Megan, hey, it's Rich.
No, no, no, no, no, no,
don't hang up, don't hang up,
don't hang up.
Wait, look, I need you
to meet me somewhere.
Are we taking the back road there?
I might be able to
get you your job back?
What about my j-job?
Shut up.
No, no, no, don't shut up, not you!
That's mine!
I don't even know
what you're gonna wear.
Hey, Bob!
( Bob )
I can't believe we won today.
That's because Captain Limison fixed it
so that we couldn't lose.
I know, I love surprises,
I love 'em, I love 'em!
Yeah, great, Neil.
Hey, you know, this new shampoo
is really tingly.
Yeah, my underwear's been really tingly.
Are those my new underwear?
No, these are my new underwear.
Okay, those are the underwear
my mom gave me as a gift.
She loves
me, she--
Neil. Yeah?
You've got five seconds
to take off my underwear!
Five, four, three, two, one!
Neil. Neil.
What was that for?
You're gonna get a
visit from Mr. Shampoo!
No, no!
That's right, Neil, you
heard me-- Mr. Shampoo.
Not Mr. Shampoo.
Oh, I can't see! Somebody help me!
Don't touch me!
This is not allowed
in the hosp--
Oh, oh, oh!
Oh! Oh...
Hey, homeless lady.
Take off my fucking underwear!
I'll meet you at the soup kitchen!
Okay, huddle up, here's the game plan.
Bones, you're gonna be serving up
a little cut of brake line supreme
with a side of there
goes the brake fluid.
Got it, boss.
One-Foot, you're gonna
be dishing out the dirt.
Pile it high and deep, my friend.
Well, that's my specialty, Mo-sucka.
Karl, you're the point man.
Got it! What's a point man?
When you see a bad guy, point.
Um, where's Lai Mei?
She's putting her face on.
Of course, she is.
Do you mind if I--
Yes, you can go peek
at her in the bathroom.
Oh, duty calls, carry on, gentlemen.
( man )
Uh, hi, wow, you are gorgeous.
Call me crazy, but I thought
when you hung up on me,
that meant you weren't gonna come.
I wasn't.
But a wise friend of mine once told me
that everybody deserves a second chance.
He did? Nice.
Good, good job, I like this guy.
He's a good friend, you
should keep him around.
Anyways, I'm gonna get
your job back today.
Don't ask me how,
just sit back, relax, have some candy,
turn off your pagers
and the cell phones.
Deal? Deal.
You're touching me.
I'm so proud of you, Marky.
You deserve everything you've
got coming to you today.
This day belongs to both of us, Bunny.
Behind every great man...
... is a great woman. Is a great woman.
Now, you just remember to smile
and I'm gonna go freshen up.
Good afternoon, sirs,
that's a fine motor vehicle.
Just park it, peasant.
Oh, my balls, what'd
the do to my balls?
My balls feel like they're melting!
( parking attendant )
Hi, how you doing?
What did you say?
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought
you guys were partners.
That's a warning.
Ahhh! My balls are on fire!
I gotta go.
( Bob )
Come on, Neil, let's go!
Out of my way! Oh, God, Neil!
Out of my way!
Oh, Satan, stop licking my balls!
I'm gonna rub my fiery
balls on your face, Neil!
Oh, I need a restroom!
Hi, ma'am, how are you today?
Listen, I'm wondering if you knew
where the nearest restroom facility is.
There's one right here.
Well, thank you very much.
Hey, wait a minute. Uh-huh?
Can't you see that there's a line?
Oh, you're right.
But I'm sure you're an old lady
and you're wearing old lady diapers,
so I'm sure you'll be okay.
( woman shouting )
Go buy a diaper, you witch!
Oh, God, Neil! Neil!
I need you to do something to my balls!
( Neil and Bob screaming )
My balls are gonna explode!
I feel like fire ants have
crawled into my penis hole
and started a tribal ritual dance!
This is worse than herpes!
No, it's not. What?
It's not, trust me.
Oh my God, my foreskin's gone!
You better start using some
new conditioner there, buddy.
Look at it. What?
Holy shit!
No one fucks with Bobby's hair!
Hello, Mr. Mayor.
Fire Chief.
Well, good afternoon everyone.
My name is Captain Mark Limison,
head of Bayside's
Emergency Medical Services,
at your service.
I just want to thank
each and every one of you
for being here today
to help me kick off our
safe community campaign.
Woo! Woo!
Quite frankly, lackluster
performance has forced us
to make some major improvements
about the future of healthcare.
In the meantime, I have a
little presentation for you.
Without further ado,
I give you your future.
( Limison groaning )
Oh my God! Son of a bitch!
Honey bunny, that's not me.
It looks like me, but it's not me.
This is a digital hoax!
Dammit, Neil!
( Neil )
I don't mind stealing drugs for Mr. Limison,
but I feel bad that
pretty girl who got fired.
Is that thing on?
Well, then, shut up
and help me, butthead!
Who, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!
I am as shocked and deeply
disturbed as you are,
but it does appear our dear old Captain
has been playing hide the Jimmy Beam
with a local Ru-Pollyanna,
while his safe community EMTs
have been peddling
prescription meds on the street.
I can explain!
( Bob shouting )
( gasping from crowd )
Okay, that's a little over the top.
It's payback time, Rich!
I've had enough of your little jokes,
so now it's time for Bobby
to cut off your balls.
( gibberish )
For those of you that
don't know ancient Aramaic,
let me translate.
"I'm gonna murder you,
your family, a random goat
and then I'm gonna rape your cat."
What, no cat?
But you-- Shut up!
I think it's time we bust
a needle in Mr. Cool's ass.
Neil, get him!
Ahh! Neil, what are you doing?
( groaning )
It's your turn to feel the pain, Rich!
Oh! Ahh!
Everybody freeze! DEA!
He can walk! It's a miracle!
Shut it, fanny pack!
I'm sick of this undercover garbage!
I feel like I'm surrounded by
a secret society of idiots!
If it were up to me,
every one of you would
be going to jail!
Please don't shoot, I'm innocent!
Stand down!
And another
( Mrs. Limison )
His ass is mine!
Okay, everybody, listen up!
Free Viagra for everybody.
Warning, may cause anal
leakage and premature death.
( Bob )
Get back here, Neil!
Oh, my--
( man )
Oh, shit, my evidence! You fucking animals!
Oh, I got the Jacuzzi fixed in the rig.
Wanna see?
If you play your cards right.
( Rich )
By now, you're probably wondering
what became of all of us.
Good morning, my brothers and sisters.
T-Bone became the
new head of the NAACP.
Yeah, not that NAACP.
The National Association of
American Cannabis Providers.
I think he founded it.
And it seems to be doing wonders
for his speech impediment,
don't you think?
Can I get an "Amen"?
Can I get $5 to get home?
Huh? Huh?
Under the new Little
Person's Equality Act,
One-Foot made the fire department.
Yeah, I know, good for him.
And don't ask me how,
but Lai Mei graduated
top of her class at the police academy.
Probably involved some
sort of physical abuse.
I hope they never have kids.
Wow, if I didn't see
it with my own eyes,
I wouldn't have believed it myself.
You okay back there, baby?
Opposites attract.
Yeah, I'm on fire.
Great, we have skydiving after lunch!
Aw, I thought we were
going bungee jumping!
And, apparently, love is blind.
Wow, does he have to wear the Speedo?
Oh my God, I think I
just threw up in my mouth.
After Sarge won his
lawsuit against the city,
he reconnected with Lai Mei's mama-san,
Phat Ho.
I just love saying that.
Anyhow, they started
a very successful
dry-cleaning business.
I get all my shirts done there.
Oh, that's sweet.
And that's kinky.
And my BFFs Neil and Bob?
Well, they're enjoying some quality time
at Bayside's very own country club.
Do you think
we're have--
having macaroni and
cheese tonight, homie?
I understand they're
making a lot of new friends.
I miss Bob sometimes.
( snapping )
I think I'm gonna send
'em some lube next month.
DIC above BALS, always.
Okay, give it a rest, Bob, that
stuff only happens in movies.
Very big movies.
Ooh, was that the lunch bell?
Seems that the captain still
hasn't given up on love.
Some of these guys in
here are homosexuals!
That ass is mine.
You know that, right?
And, me, I finally passed
the paramedic entrance test.
I have the next two days off duty.
The rest is none of your damn business.
Well, somebody's on duty.
You are a sick, sick lady.
Baby, there's no cure for horny.
Tell me about it.
All right, all right,
you've seen enough.
'Til next time, amigos.
What's One-Foot say?
Over and out, mo-suckas!
( man )
Mark it.
( man )
Roll "B," common marker.
( groaning )
When you cross the
street and you see me,
you're crossing a ninja.
That's a warning.
My balls feel like they're
in the hands of Satan!
Let go, Satan!
Wow! Do that again, I like it!
( laughing )
Turn it off!
I got it, I--
Turn off the wiper!
I'm gonna get
you, you son of a--
( groaning )
Okay, okay.
Oh, shit, oh, shit.
( Neil )
Hi, Mrs. Limison, great to see you.
May I say you look lovely tonight?
Thanks again for having me over.
Hard and fast.
( groaning and laughing )
( No-Legs )
Come here, mamasita! Come here!
Oh, you look good!
Come here, culo negro!
I like black boys! Come here, culo!
( shouting )
( growling )
Oh, oh, oh! Oh!
How does that look?
( laughing )
Do me, do me, do me!
That'll be a hundred bucks.
( crew laughing )
Don't do it. Okay.
Oh, God!
( grunting )
Sir, you are gonna need to
give us the cup right now!
We need the cup.
We need the cup right now!
I will take you by force,
do you understand me?
Don't look at me!
I am a-- I am a bear
and I am coming for you!
Give him the cup!
Oh, great, he's French!
It's sexy.
Should I put this on there too?
( man )
( laughing )
I know what you're thinking,
Pierce Brosnan, right?
Neil! What?
What is your problem!
Okay, Operation Santa
Claus! Switch the tanks!
( laughing )
Look at me!
What are you doing?
I'm naked for my love!
Don't-- no! No,
don't look over-- no!
Hear me, this is my rig sleigh
and I will deliver presents
until the day I die!
Neil, come on, Neil! Get in the van!
Am I hot? Cold, you're cold.
Cold? Warm.
Warm? No.
Hot? Cold.
Warm? Warmer.
Warmer? Warmer, yes.
Hot, hot? Stop.
Mmm, you're right, baby,
it does taste like splooge.
( man ) Cut.
( crew laughing )