Skin Deep (1989) Movie Script
Don't know why it seems
like a long, long time
Since I've been
on the move
Oh, I'm just tryin'to
find my way
Don't know my name
Livin'day to day
Just a little boy
who wants to have his way
Just can't keep still
and I'm
Falling out of love
Falling out of love
Sometimes it feels
like I'm runnin'out of time
Sand slippin'
through my fingers
Like rivers through my mind
On the corner
hangin' with the boys
I always will be
Falling out of love
Falling out of love
In and out of love
Out of love
Just foolin'around
Can't slow down
Shoulda listened
to what my daddy said
Just wanna be cool
Another fool
I can't keep still
And I'm feelin'
kind of blue
My eyes are red
But something keeps tellin'me
that I know
Just what is gonna become
of this little boy
Inside
this heart of mine
I keep on
Falling out of love
Falling out of love
I don't know what to say.
How about,
"The Lord is my shepherd"?
Come on, Angie.
Drop the gun.
Is that it?
Zachary Hutton,
Pulitzer Prize-winning
playwright,
internationally acclaimed author,
about to be shot to death
by a jealous female,
and all he can come up with is,
"Come on, Angie. Drop the gun."
- Zach!
- I'll be right with you.
Who are you kidding?
You know as well as I do you're not
gonna shoot. You couldn't kill a fly.
I could if I caught it
fucking my hairdresser.
Oh!
Angie, come on now.
Give me the gun.
Tell you what?
I'll be fair about this.
Community property...
I keep the gun, you get the bullets.
- But I saw you load it.
- You weren't paying attention.
I always keep
the first chamber empty.
Oh, really?
- Son of a bitch!
- You're overreacting.
Get out of here, you bitch!
- Angie!
- Goddamn it!
Hello?
- Darling?
- Oh!
Come on, Angie.
For God's sake!
Good-bye, Zach.
- Please! Please!
- Hello.
- Alex?
- I thought you were on a plane.
- Engine trouble.
- Oh. I'm sorry.
You have me at a disadvantage.
You obviously know who I am.
- I'm Angela Smith.
- And what do you do, Angela,
- besides trying to kill my husband?
- Alex?
- Shut up!
- Shut up! I'm an investment counselor.
- And Zach's mistress.
- Who was that in the sheet?
My hairdresser.
- I think I get the picture.
- Alex?
If you still wanna kill him,
do me a favor and take him outside.
Those are new sheets.
Go ahead and shoot.
No. That's too good for you.
But I bet when that lady gets through
with you, you'll wish I had.
Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
Let's see
if I got this straight.
- Angie catches you in bed with...
- Tina.
In your house?
- She was cutting my hair.
- Bed?
I know it sounds turgid,
but I have a barber chair in my study.
Spurious perhaps,
but not turgid.
She was finishing up
with the blow-dryer.
A skittish instrument
if there ever was one.
- One thing led to another.
- Enter Angie with your.38.
Luckily, I always keep
the first chamber empty.
Oh, lucky, indeed.
That's the first empty chamber
you ever filled since I've known you.
Scotch rocks.
Barney, do you really perceive me
as a major compulsive womanizer?
A 42-year-old shooting star
in a galactic harem.
Can I be cured?
Do you wanna be cured?
I know it's ruining
my life, and yet...
"And yet." Two words that to one degree
or another plague us all.
You see, I truly love women.
- Oh, I see.
- I love everything about them, Barney.
I love the way they feel,
the way they smell, most of the time.
I have to admit, I don't like women
with long, round toenails.
But that is the only
abrogation so far.
And so far has been quite awhile
and quite a few.
- Oh, that's true.
- Out of soup.
I long for a meaningful...
monogamous,
healthy relationship.
And I was sure I had it with Alex,
but the truth is, Barney,
in the deep dark silence
of my considered conscience,
where there's just me and me,
the unmitigated truth...
is I want it all.
Hey, wanting is okay.
I want a loving,
faithful, caring,
caretaking wife,
and I wanna make love
to everything else in long skirts,
with bare feet
and ripe, juicy mouths.
Little boy-girls with small,
firm breasts and tight asses.
Rubenesque round women...
with big Mother Earth breasts
and green eyes.
God! I could go on and on.
Don't. I'm getting a hard-on.
Me too.
The point is I'm bright enough
to know it's an impossible dream,
but I'm helpless
to act otherwise.
However, the ultimate fate
of the bill is still in question,
since those close to the president,
who were willing to guess,
believe he will veto the bill.
But proponents say such
a program is the only way to...
Zach, may I make
a suggestion?
- Please do.
- Look.
Don't try to solve it tonight.
Go home. Sleep on it.
Alas, old friend,
I have no home.
She chucked me out...
lock, stock and typewriter.
What have you got
against my typewriter?
You used to write on it...
books and plays and movies.
Once, once you wrote a poem on our
second anniversary and gave it to me.
And you were happy. You exorcised
your demons with credible thoughts...
and good words on that typewriter,
and your talent turned me on.
I really thought we had a chance
"until death do us part."
And then one day
you stopped.
- You gave up.
- I dried up. It happens to writers.
Oh, so you bury yourself with the first
available young female that comes along,
in the hopes that she's going to
magically restore your lost talent?
- Alex...
- No, don't say it. This is a lecture, not a debate.
And since I don't intend to speak
to you for the rest of this lifetime,
you either get out now,
or shut up and let me finish.
I'm not saying that
your condition is unique.
In fact, quite a few
older men do the same thing.
How about quite a few
older women?
If you're trying to
redeem yourself...
by implying that I might
have been unfaithful to you,
you're barking up
the wrong older woman.
I could have,
but regrettably didn't.
I threw out that typewriter
because it represents everything...
that could have been loving
and lasting...
and wonderful,
and everything that wasn't.
- Can I say something? Please?
- No! No! No!
You have 20 minutes to get your things
and get out of this house forever,
or I will get a restraining order
and have you removed.
It's over, but I still
love that woman, Jake.
- You think you could patch it up?
- No, it's over.
Hmm. That's a shame, because
her divorce lawyer called this morning.
- She... She's gonna be tough.
- How tough?
Well, half of everything you've earned
since you've been married.
- a hundred thousand a year for the next five years,
- What?
- the house, the farm, both cars.
- You've gotta be kidding.
- There's something I forgot.
- How about the shirt off my back?
- That's it.
- I'll tell you what I'll give her.
I'll give her exactly
what she's entitled to.
The house, the farm,
both cars.
A $ 100,000 a year
for five years.
I'm a desperate man, Doctor.
I need help.
I've gotta change
my way of living.
And if that ain't enough,
I'm gonna change the way
I strut my stuff.
'Cause nobody loves you
when you're old and gray
There'll be some changes
made today
Yes, sir, there'll be
some changes made
Duh-duh-da
I couldn't resist it.
- You think I'm crazy?
- No.
Then, what the hell
is wrong with me?
Well, for one thing,
you can't sing worth shit.
I can't go on like this, Doctor.
If it's the last thing I do, I'm gonna
settle down, start writing again...
and stop chasing after
beautiful, young women.
Whoa!
Camera two, get a tight shot on Alex,
will ya? We don't wanna miss this one.
KRA-TV is proud to present...
- Ten seconds.
- Have you seen Adam White's piece?
- No. Is it good?
- Y-You don't know about it?
- Five seconds.
Should I?
What's so amazing about gridlock?
On one.
If you drive, you know about it.
It's called gridlock.
It happens when traffic gets so congested,
not even a green light means move.
In this continuing series
on gridlock,
Adam White shows us how this
bumper-to-bumper disease...
is spreading
from town to town.
Alex, it is now clear
that gridlock is an epidemic.
No one can escape it. You are looking
at the proof here in Brentwood,
a shopping center
for the rich and famous.
This can be
particularly dangerous,
because paramedics can't even
make their way to help gridlock victims,
which in this case
turned out to be...
Zachary Hutton,
famous author and playwright.
The victim was lucky.
No serious injuries...
and a beautiful amateur nurse
who sells real estate in her spare time.
What do you bet
she sells him a house?
For a while there,
I thought, "This is it."
I was convinced
it couldn't get any better.
I should have known better.
Don't worry about it.
- It happens.
- Not to me.
Not being able to screw is as bad
as not being able to write.
Maybe you should
try writing again.
What the fuck
does that mean?
I don't know.
I'm not the burning bush.
I made a suggestion,
not a commandment.
- Hi, Jasper.
- Welcome, Mr. Hutton.
There he is.
Hey, Curt.
- I'm glad you could come.
- Curt Ames, Helena Walker.
- How are you?
- How's he been?
- Just adorable. Mm-hmm.
- That bad?
- Dear boy.
- Hi, Sparky.
Faulkner's one-time
heir apparent,
and all he can say
is "Hi, Sparky."
Never mind. It's nice
to see you again. Denise?
Helena. Helena Walker,
Leon Sparks.
- But we've met.
- No.
Oh, shit. I foozled your redheads.
Forgive me.
Well, you know what they say... once
you've seen one, you've seen them all.
I'm sure Zach,
as an expert on the subject,
would be the first
to denounce that canard.
But for the moment, dear boy, why
don't you do whatever is necessary...
to make yourself comfortable, while I
try to redeem myself with Helena...
by introducing her to some
clever people... more her age.
- Excuse me.
- Double vodka tonic.
I decided not to drink
to avoid arguments...
and to be alert to the narrative
possibilities of the evening.
Then, Alex arrived
with my stepson Greg.
Alex!
Dear girl, how wonderful.
- Greg, you're almost as tall as I am.
- Excuse me.
You told me he wasn't
going to be here.
He told me
he wasn't going to be here.
- I don't believe you.
- Ask him.
You know that we're...
Shit!
Ask me what?
Hello, Greg.
Come to give your old failed
stepfather a big hug?
- Ask me what?
- Nothing.
- You said she wasn't coming.
- I said she wasn't coming if you came.
- Nice.
- And you said?
I said, "Oh, in that case,
I wasn't coming."
Then, I called him back,
and said I changed my mind.
Yes, a little addendum
you neglected to mention.
If you were under 18,
I would have considered it relevant.
Now, children,
who is going to leave first?
Come on, Greg.
I'll buy you a drink.
You are such a prick.
Dear boy, some of
my best friends are pricks.
Some of your best pricks
are friends.
There was a time
when your wit was incisive.
but that riposte
was just a feeble jab...
from a routed ex-champion.
If you think I'm such a failure,
why do you keep on representing me?
That's like asking a heroin addict
why he keeps shooting up.
It's because he keeps hoping
for that first-time rush,
that cherry high, even though
he knows he'll never get it again.
He's hooked,
and he keeps hoping.
Watch out.
I may surprise you.
You watch out.
I'm beyond surprises.
Excuse me.
- Leon! Stop for a minute?
- No!
- At least let me...
- Aw, stop it! It's over!
- You cruel, graceless son of a bitch!
- I'm not going to argue with you.
- I want you out of this house by tomorrow morning!
- Sound familiar?
Now leave me alone!
For God's sake, stop sniveling.
Try to save yourself at least
a lick of self-respect!
Was I right? Adorable.
Snooping around
for an 11:00 newsbreak?
I take it back.
You're too much of a cunt to be a prick.
Don't say it, dear boy,
write it.
- Not being able to write
is like not being able to screw.
Well, maybe they sort of
depend on each other.
What the fuck
does that mean?
How the fuck do I know?
I'm a bartender,
not your psychiatrist.
The most beautiful girl
in the world
Picks my ties out
Eats my candy, drinks my brandy
The most beautiful girl
in the world
The most beautiful star
in the world
Isn't Garbo, isn't Dietrich
But the sweet trick
- That will make me believe
it's a beautiful world
I really hoped
when Molly moved in...
that we had a good chance
at a long-term relationship.
My romance doesn't
have to have a moon
In the sky
My romance doesn't
need a blue lagoon
Standing by
No month of May
No twinkling star
No hideaway
No soft guitar
My romance doesn't
need a castle
- Any idea what started it?
- Spontaneous combustion.
- What's that?
- The inevitable consequence...
of excessive vicissitude.
- What's that?
- Pressure.
Well, come on, explain.
Two people, who live an inharmonious
existence together...
eventually arrive at a point where the
pressure is so great, somebody has to give.
Unless you bleed off a certain
amount of steam in a pressure cooker,
- it will explode.
- Excessive vicissitude.
When wood is too dry
and the sun is too hot...
- Spontaneous combustion.
- Exactly.
You were the wood,
Molly was the sun.
A felicitous analogy.
- And what's that?
- Showing off with big words.
- Oh!
- It's a condition that occurs...
when I mix a lack of self-esteem
with an abundance of alcohol.
To be precise,
a Banzai Sunset.
- All right, Zach. Car keys. Uh!
- Uh-uh.
Hey. Molly took my Jeep
and my Mercedes burned up with the fire.
Come on. Give her
some credit, will ya?
Most of the women I know
would have swung with the Mercedes.
- It had a flat.
- Oh, it had a flat.
- When you pass out, where do I ship the body?
- I don't know.
So far it's a toss-up between your
guest room and the Ambassador Hotel.
- My guest room is occupied.
- By whom?
- By a guest.
- I don't believe you.
You're just timid about tidying up
after a drunk.
Tidying up is a cinch. It's replacing
furniture, buying new carpet,
painting out the graffiti
is what makes me timid.
What are you looking for?
You hid the nuts. Didn't
I reimburse you for all that stuff?
- Some things are not reimbursable.
- For instance?
Like putting Krazy Glue on my dog's balls,
then sticking him halfway up the wall.
- I see your point.
- Look, it's not that I don't empathize.
- What's that?
- Feel sorry for you.
- Good night, Barney.
- Good night, Barney.
- Hi, Barney.
- Lonnie!
- Hey, girls. - Hey,
doll! - Hi, Lonnie!
- What's the soup?
- Lentil.
- It was lentil last week.
- When the lentil's all gone, it'll be something else.
I'd love a steak,
but I shouldn't.
Sure you should. The kind of shape
you're in, you could eat a whole cow.
- Good evening.
- Hi.
- What's that you're playing?
- Something Cole Porter made up.
You play very well.
Are you a professional musician?
No. Are you?
No. I don't know
anything about music.
That kind of music, anyway.
Can you play
"Three Times A Lady"?
I'm sorry.
I'm not quite drunk enough yet.
- Miss?
- Jones. Lonnie Jones.
I'm Zach. Hi.
If you're still here when I finish
my steak and lentil soup, Zach,
we'll pick up this conversation
where it left off.
Have you met Miss Jones
Someone said
as we shook hands
She was just Miss Jones
to me
Then I said Miss Jones
You're a girl
who understands
I'm a man
who must be free
And all at once
I lost my breath
And all at once
was scared to death
And all at once
I owned the earth and sky
Now I met Miss Jones
And we'll keep on meeting
till we die
Miss Jones and
And I
It wasn't...
It wasn't a derby,
Because it...
Hey, wait. Hey, wait, wait.
You promised to take me home.
- I have.
- This is home?
- This is where I work.
- This is where you...
This...
is where I live.
This is... Hey!
I like where you live.
It reflects a strong sense
of individuality and taste,
yet it's still feminine.
- You sound surprised.
- Do I?
- Are you?
- About what?
That a woman can be an individual
with taste and still be feminine?
Oh! If I admitted surprise,
would that mitigate against us
going to bed together?
- It might.
- Then, for the record,
I am the least surprised man
you have ever met in your entire life.
- I'll take your word for it.
- I was hoping you would.
- Wanna use the bathroom?
- Ladies first.
- No chauvinism intended.
- Make yourself at home.
How do you feel about women
who are into bodybuilding?
I don't know. I've never known
a woman who builds bodies.
Look at it this way, Zach.
I've worked five years,
52 weeks a year,
five days a week,
three hours a day...
to build this body.
And for one night,
this night,
it's all yours.
How do you feel about that?
Like Mrs. Arnold Schwarzenegger.
I love your sense of humor.
And it loves you.
Do you always try
and joke your way out of a tight spot?
Not always. Occasionally,
I'm too frightened to make my lips move.
Hope you're not
frightened now, Zach.
I'm not, but fortunately
my cock is scared stiff.
- Wonderful.
- I hope so.
Now just relax.
Right.
And leave everything
to Lonnie.
You got it, Lonnie.
Let's get these shorts off.
Oh, that's a good idea.
Listen.
While you're down there,
would you mind
getting the sock?
Oh, God! Thank you.
Thank you, God!
Okay, ladies. Get it on!
Right across the room
Standing there
Hi, Zach!
Sorry I'm late.
Starin'a hole
that cuts like a knife
Baby, it's burning
Burning skin deep
To the bone
Skin deep, to the bone
Skin deep
How'd you get in?
Sorry everything's in such a mess.
It's the maid's day off.
I'm not going to argue
with you anymore, Zach.
You're dishonest,
and you're too good with words.
Hey, when have I ever
been dishonest with you?
Oh, come on!
You were dishonest with me from the time
you decided you wanted to fuck me!
We were introduced.
I said, "How do you do?
I wanna fuck you."
What's dishonest about that?
Zach, in the six months
of living together,
- we had 100 arguments.
- I only counted 99.
Okay. Out of those
99 arguments,
was there ever one time
that you thought that I was right?
- Honestly? No.
- What does that tell you?
That you were wrong
99 times out of 100.
Get out of my face, Zach,
or I swear to God I'm gonna kill you.
- Can I ask you something first?
- No.
What are you looking for?
- My runes.
- I'm sorry. You're what?
Runes. I cast them for you once
when we started going together.
- Runes?
- Viking runes!
Little stones with runic symbols
that tell your fortune.
You said they were bullshit, but the last
time I consulted them, I turned up Isa.
Isa? Oh, well,
what does that mean?
Spiritual winter.
- Oh.
- I'm spiritually frozen, Zach.
So what? You thought a good fire
would help thaw you out?
There you go!
So, where did you keep
these runes?
I put 'em
in my bedside drawer.
I thought because
they were stone, but...
They must have melted
or something.
You won't find them here. The bedroom's
over there. You're in the toilet.
Yeah, the story of my life.
- Molly.
- Don't worry.
I'll bring back the Jeep
as soon as I find a job.
Shit!
- You don't look great.
- I can't imagine why not.
I spent the past 24 hours
escaping from a burning house,
getting shitfaced and shacking up
with a muscle-bound sex maniac...
and doing three hours
of kamikaze aerobics.
Speaking of burning houses,
they haven't said so in so many words,
but they're making noises like they
think the fire has been deliberately set.
- "They" being?
- The insurance company.
- Based on?
- Information from the fire department.
- What information?
- We'll know that when they tell us.
Uh, another screwdriver
for Mr. Hutton,
and I'll have, uh,
Jack Daniels rocks.
Sorry about Sparky.
- What about Sparky?
- Oh, I thought you knew.
- Oh, shit.
- It was on the morning news.
- I thought someone would have called you.
- Nobody knows I'm here but you.
I'm sorry.
Well, what is it,
a heart?
- A suicide.
- Oh, God.
Oh... God!
I talked to him
just a month ago.
I told him
I wanted to apologize.
Apologize?
For what, for Christ's sake?
Oh, for letting him down, for the things
I said the last time I saw him.
But he said, "Well, that's
very big of you, Zach.
But I'm afraid it's too late.
You've cut me too deep."
Did he have any family?
No. Curt was the closest
thing to family, but...
God, I wonder
how he's taking it.
I gotta get home
to the fuckin' loved ones.
Give Bernice my regards.
Uh, phone, please?
Thank you.
What city, please?
Uh, West Los Angeles.
Alexandra Hutton...
on San Marino.
Sorry. I have no listing
for a Hutton on San Marino.
I show an A. Hutton
on North Bristol.
Uh, there are no Huttons
in West Los Angeles?
- No, sir.
- Okay.
Gimme the number on Bristol.
That number is 555-5657.
- 5657?
- Yes, sir.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome, sir.
Do you see that very beautiful young
woman over there in the turquoise?
- The one in leather.
- Yeah. Find out what she's drinking...
and I'd like to order her
another, okay?
I approve.
Hello? Hello.
Hello. Is anybody there?
- Hello? Who are you calling?
- Alex.
- Uh, Alexander Hutton.
- We've got a whole bunch of Huttons here,
- but no Alexandra.
- Sorry. Wrong number.
What man?
Operator, may I help you?
Operator, would you
connect me with the men's shop?
Thank you.
- Men's Shop, may I help you.
- Yes, uh, this is Zachary Hutton.
- Yes, Mr. Hutton.
- Yes. Would you send me over half a dozen jockey shorts,
half a dozen pairs of socks,
three pairs of pajamas and a robe?
- Any particular color?
- Uh, usual colors.
- And a pair of slippers.
- Where shall I send them?
- Yes, uh, bungalow 11.
- Bungalow 11?
Uh-huh. And I'll...
Sir?
Yes. Look, um,
I'll come by tomorrow,
and I'll pick up
some, um, some pants.
Yes, sir. Good to have you staying at
the hotel again, Mr. Hutton.
Yeah, well,
it's great to be here.
- I've had it!
- Good-bye!
- Oh!
- You don't understand. It's over!
- Over? You listen to me!
- Yes!
- I'm not gonna listen to you!
- You are gonna listen to me! You are gonna talk to me,
and you are gonna
talk to me now!
- You son of a bitch!
- Ow! Goddamn it!
- I've had it! Good-bye, Rick.
- You get over here!
- Oh, fine! Where are you going
in the fuckin' washroom?
- Get outta there!
- Oh, shit. - No! No!
- Hey!
- Rick!
I am sick and tired of you
picking up guys always behind my back!
Oh, yeah? Well, let's talk about the
hot numbers that you pick up everywhere.
I don't pick 'em up!
I pay 'em! It's different!
- Oh, God!
- I'm so sick of you!
- Come here!
- Stop it!
- I'll tell you something.
- Tell me.
I can't right now,
but if I could, I'd tell you!
- I've had it with you!
- Your brain is the size of a pea!
Excuse me!
That's it! Start breaking up
the furniture, you creep!
I'm not a creep. I'm a musician!
- Operator.
- Yes, Operator. This is Zach Hutton in bungalow 11.
Would you please call the people
in the apartment directly above me...
- and tell them to stop
screaming and yelling...
- and breaking up your furniture?
- Are you sure they're breaking furniture?
Yes! Listen.
- Okay?
- I'll call right away.
What? Hello!
Oh, the man
down-fucking-stairs, eh?
Well, thank you very fucking much!
- Rick. Where are you going?
- What?
Where am I going?
Downstairs to talk to this fucking man!
We're gonna get thrown
out of here, damn it!
All right!
I'm coming!
Calling up,
getting me in trouble!
You!
- What's with you, man?
- Wait a goddamn minute!
- Who the fuck are you?
- Who the fuck are you?
- You hit on my old lady...
- I want you out!
- What are you blaming him for?
- You know fucking well why.
You said I'm always comin' on to guys
the minute your back is turned.
Well, you're right. I pick up guys all
the time, whenever I get the chance!
- And you wanna know why?
- Why?
- Because you are a boring...
- Arrogant.
- Arrogant!
- Sanctimonious!
- Sanctimonious!
- Cocksucker.
- Oh, you little... Ow! Jesus!
- I picked him up, Rick!
Hey!
Hey, turns out great,
don't it?
While you're screwin' him,
I'll move out.
Oh, I like that.
Don't be stupid.
Hey, don't panic,
you little wanker.
I pack real fast. Ta.
- Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
- It's okay.
Hey, wait, wait, wait a minute.
Hang on.
- Don't go back up there.
- No, I'll just... I'll just go take a walk.
No, no, no.
You take a seat and relax.
Give him time to get out.
Okay? Sit down.
- Don't be nice to me, please.
- Okay, I won't.
- Would you like a drink?
- No, thanks.
Look. I've caused you
enough trouble.
- I really think I should leave.
- No, you shouldn't.
Now, come on.
It's not your fault.
Even if I did
buy you a drink...
because we had a kind of
mutual exchange...
across a crowded room, that guy had
no business beating you up like that.
- He didn't exactly...
- Who is he? What does he do?
Uh, Rick Curry, he's the lead guitarist
for the Moon Rocks.
Naturally.
- Why naturally?
- Because rock groups like that...
and lead guitarists like Rick
are an unnatural phenomenon,
put on this earth, I suspect,
to test my reality.
I don't know how
I could have missed it.
By the way, I'm Zach Hutton.
How do you do. Amy McKenna.
Amy. Well, I'm sorry
we had to meet like this,
but it's better than
not meeting at all, I hope.
So, what do you do, Zach?
I write and, um, occasionally
I wear orange-and-yellow pajamas.
Usually under a robe.
I'll be right back. Don't go away.
Amy, love, fuck you!
- Amy?
- Yeah?
Where's your home?
My home? Um...
well, I was working
in Seattle when I met Rick.
- He's got a house in New Jersey,
but we travel a lot. - Mm-hmm.
Um, originally
I'm from New Orleans.
New Orleans? Do you know what
it means to Miss New Orleans
- Do you know that song?
- Yeah. My father loves jazz.
How does he feel
about the Moon Rock?
Um, he's never met him.
I don't think he'd like him.
- So, where do you come from, Zach?
- Uh, geographically...
- or emotionally?
- Both.
Well, I was born in Philadelphia,
but I come from New Orleans.
- You like jazz?
- Oh, I love it.
Hmm. But you prefer
heavy metal.
- No, I prefer good music.
- Well, that eliminates heavy metal.
- I love good heavy metal.
- Really? That's impossible.
That's like saying,
"I love good root canal."
You sound like my father.
Oh, no, I know.
Sometimes that can be a major handicap.
What times?
Sounding like a father when I'm trying
to impress a young female under...
- twenty-two?
- Twenty-five.
- Oh, especially those times.
- Well, you could lie.
Then I wouldn't know
if it was me or the lie.
I'd have to start lying
about my age.
Oh, come on. How old are you?
You couldn't be more than 35.
Close. I'm 33.
- Well, good night, Zach. Thanks for everything.
- Good night.
You were terrific.
- Operator.
- Yes, Operator. This is Mr. Hutton in bungalow 11.
Would you please call the apartment
directly above me?
- Do you know who's in that room?
- Mm, I believe Ms. Amy McKenna.
- Hello. What?
- Tchaikovsky?
You're playing Tchaikovsky.
Oh.
It's the TV.
I didn't realize it was that loud.
- Do you like the ballet?
- I like this ballet.
I like the music.
- I'm sorry if I woke you up.
- You didn't.
- Couldn't sleep?
- No.
- Obviously you couldn't either.
- No.
- Would you like me to come up?
- Yes.
- Zach.
- Hmm.
Would you mind
wearing something?
- I am wearing something.
- You are?
Oh, you-you mean...
Oh, no, l...
- Do you... Do you have a...
- No, l... See, there was a fire.
and I lost everything.
They were probably
the first to go.
It's that, you know,
these days it's so...
- I know you can't be too careful.
- I really want you.
Oh, God!
I really want you too.
- So, we can't unless...
- I know. Well, I could... Do you want me to go to...
I could maybe...
You don't... Do you have any?
- Oh, you wouldn't mind?
- Are you kidding? Oh, God, no!
- They're Rick's.
- They're Rick's?
Uh, that's all right.
Um, I'll reimburse him.
Yeah?
- Where in the... Ow! That's all right.
- Sorry.
- We need to get... Are they in...
- This drawer right here.
- Are they in a box?
- Yeah. They should be right on top.
That's not it.
- Okay.
- All right.
Oh, my God!
I can't see what... what I'm doing here.
- I'll turn on the light.
- No, that's all right.
- Where's the bathroom? Maybe that'd be better.
- It's right over there.
I'll be right back. Oh, God.
- Ow! Goddamn thing!
- Sorry.
I don't know about those,
but don't be surprised,
'cause sometimes Rick's sexual taste
can get pretty kinky.
It says in the instructions that it's
been treated with an ancient Chinese herb,
guaranteed
to prolong erection.
- Oh, my God!
- What's wrong?
You're not going to
believe this.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Truly amazing.
Amy?
- Oh, my God. It's Rick!
- What was that?
- Rick? What? Where?
- Quick! In the closet!
- Go! No, no, this way! I think.
- Where?
- Right here.
- Amy?
Turn on the lights, Amy.
Amy. Amy!
Rick, you scared
the hell out of me.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to.
I, uh, came back
to apologize.
- Too late.
- l...
- What's this?
- What?
- This! This!
- What?
Rick, if you wanna talk,
we'll talk tomorrow.
No, I, uh,
I don't wanna talk, love.
- No, Rick. No!
- I thought maybe we could just make a little bit of love.
- Maybe just... Fine!
- No!
- Jesus!
- Where are you going?
I forgot my mousse.
- What the hell?
- What?
What's this?
- What?
- This.
- Rick!
- Amy, it was gonna be a surprise.
They were in that...
that drawer!
- What, you think I took them out and...
- No! No!
I think they got up
all by themselves.
Rick, they're your stupid rubbers!
Take 'em and get out!
All right! All right!
Fine!
Fine, but you know,
you don't know what your missing.
Rick?
- That's amazing.
- I know. I haven't had one that lasted this long...
since I was 12.
No wonder
Rick wanted to invest.
I feel like I'm in
the porno version of The Red Shoes.
Oh, my leg. Damn that hurts.
Oh God, that hurt!
Hey, honey.
Hey, Jesus Christ!
No, no, it's me!
I know it's you!
Get outta here!
Why, love? How'd you know it was me?
It's dark in here.
- Oh God, 'cause nobody else...
- What?
- No!
- Get... What?
Shut up!
- Rick!
- Shut up!
What?
Rick, get out!
No, stop it!
Stop it! Don't!
Aah!
- Hello.
- Yeah.
- No.
- Yeah.
What jail?
What did they
arrest you for?
All right.
I'll be right over.
- What's wrong?
- Zach's been arrested.
- For what?
- Cockfighting.
I never had the privilege...
of meeting Leon Sparks.
Or Sparky,
as he was affectionately known
throughout the film community.
But his reputation
for kindness,
friendship,
creating excellence...
was legend.
Alex. Hello, Zach.
You changed
your telephone number.
Look. I wanna talk to you,
for Christ's sake.
- Could we have dinner? Alex.
- No.
I'm in trouble.
I thought...
- Could we just maybe go someplace and talk?
- No.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Sorry it wasn't nice
seeing you again, Zach.
- You ready?
- Anytime you are.
If you feel like it,
come by for dinner tonight.
8:00. Bye, Jake.
Bye.
- Hello, Danny.
- Good evening, Mr. Hutton.
- You're looking well.
- Thank you.
- They are in the living room.
- "They"?
We thought we'd drive
through Arizona, New Mexico.
See that part of the country,
and then...
- Hello.
- Zach.
Zach, this is Rebecca Simms.
Zachary Hutton.
- Rebecca.
- How do you do?
I'd do a lot better
if I had a drink. Danny?
- Banzai Sunset.
- It pays to have roots.
- You remember Mama.
- Sure do.
Hi, Marge, Harry.
Hello, Zachary.
Who gave you the black eye?
Why? Do you want
to congratulate him personally?
No. A telegram will do it.
She hasn't lost her twinkle.
So, Becky, what?
Are you Greg's main squeeze?
- "Squeeze"?
- Yes. Contemporary nomenclature, right, Greg?
I've heard the expression.
Never used it.
Oh. Well, neither have I.
It was my first time.
So how come, uh...
I thought you were in school.
- Summer vacation.
- Oh, of course.
- How old are you now? Nineteen?
- Twenty.
Oh. It goes by
so bloody fast.
Are you going to Brown?
No, I quit Brown.
I'm going to Juilliard.
Julliard.
Well, how about...
That's what I want.
Bless you.
Greg is studying
piano and composition.
I'll be damned. Mmm.
I didn't know you were
that interested in music.
Probably because
you never thought to ask.
- That's not fair.
- But accurate.
Fair doesn't count? Come on. Greg, you were
only interested in rock, like any kid your age.
He never gave me a clue. He never
went near a piano. You know that.
You want accurate? You certainly
never took the time to tell me.
I hate to use the argument,
but I was just a kid, Zach.
- That's a kid's argument, Greg.
- Dinner is served.
Let's see if we can get
through the salad course...
without a 15-yard penalty, hmm?
Zach would rather play in a jazz band
than write the great American novel.
One does what one must.
But you've already written
one of the great American novels.
Hang Time
is almost as great.
If you play the piano as well as you
write, you're one hell of a musician.
Confidentially, these days I'm a lot
better piano player than a writer.
Uh-huh.
I was only 15, and I saw
The Devil May Care six times.
- No, really?
- Rebecca's a drama major at Brown.
She just wrote and directed
her first play.
- Terrific.
- No, it wasn't.
But hopefully one profits
by one's mistakes.
Hopefully.
Did you? You must
have made some mistakes.
A few.
- For instance?
- Coming here for dinner.
- I was being serious.
- So was Zach.
What were you saying
about being fair, Zach?
- I'm sorry, Becky.
- It's okay.
- Do me a favor, Zach?
- Name it, Becky.
Don't call me Becky.
I fucking hate it.
- I'm truly sorry, Rebecca. It
fucking won't happen again. - Mm-hmm.
Either make more trips
or get me a bigger glass.
Yes, sir.
Oh, hold it.
- What is this?
- Brandy.
Brandy's good too.
Look, Marge. I know in the past
we've had our share of disagreements...
Oh, sorry. Almost sat on Harry.
Can I get you something?
A gun.
I'll see what I can do.
For what it's worth,
I didn't expect it to be
this kind of an evening.
I've had worse.
The day we broke up was worse.
Not much worse, but...
I don't think Greg has
quite forgiven you...
Greg... has really grown up
to be quite a young pain in the ass.
Understandable when you consider that,
for about five years,
you were his only male
pain-in-the-ass role model.
How is Greg
where I'm not concerned?
Mmm. A little pompous.
Sometimes arrogant.
Mostly loving and pleasant
and talented.
How talented?
Greg, why don't you play
something for us?
Yes, do that.
Okay.
What'll it be, Zach?
How about a little
Buddy Holly?
How about a little Chopin?
How about a little...
Cole Porter?
Either I'm drunker than I thought,
or your son's better than I am.
You're sweet.
And you're drunk.
Me too.
I know I've had
too much to drink...
because I'm feeling
sorry for you tonight, Zach.
Me too!
I may regret this,
but how can I help?
How can you...
I don't know.
I thought a lot about you.
And then when I heard about Sparky,
I just felt I...
had to talk to you,
to see you.
Hmm. Scared, huh?
Scared?
It scares me... getting older,
friends dying.
He knew he had
some terrible cancer.
Yeah, I think that's probably
why he threw Curt out.
Curt... I saw him
a couple weeks ago.
He'll never get over it.
He's...
Sparky probably thought
he was being noble.
Yeah, well,
he was being selfish.
You don't share
20 years with someone...
then find out you're gonna die
and not share that too.
Well, Zach, I think it's pretty easy
for us to stand here...
Well, it's easy
to stand here in judgment...
when the guy we're talking
about, by his own admission,
was an egotistical,
unsympathetic,
- uncharitable, coldhearted, narcissistic...
- I know.
scoundrel.
Nobody's perfect.
Right.
I'm glad you feel that way,
because I was about to suggest...
that we give it another try.
"We"?
Are you completely
off your nut?
Don't beg, Alex.
It doesn't suit you.
- Oh, Zach...
- Oh, what?
There are a lot
of things about you...
that I would
highly recommend.
But you're never gonna
last with anyone.
You may settle down for a while,
but then something will happen.
You'll get scared and start
to look for some... thing,
some... place.
Some young girl to save you.
You're on a merry-go-round, Zach.
And the brass ring
is just a brass ring.
It solves nothing.
I'm doomed?
You're Zach.
And you like merry-go-rounds.
Okay, troops.
Time to fold the tents.
Oh.
Barney, how about
one itty-bitty one for the road?
- You know what your problem is, Zach?
- Yep.
- Keys, Zach.
- Nope.
- You drink too much.
- Yep.
- Keys, Zach.
- You're probably an alcoholic.
- Yep.
- Keys!
But that's not my problem.
You know what my problem is?
I'm an addict.
- Drugs?
- Nope. Merry-go-rounds.
I am not gonna
let you drive.
- You wanna go home with me, Zach?
- Yep.
- Let's go.
- Can't.
- Why not?
- I'm just a kid.
- You're sweet.
- That too.
Give me a call
if you change your mind.
I will give you a call
even if I don't change my mind, okay?
Okay.
- Good night, Barney.
- Sleep tight, sweetheart.
Good night, Miss Jones.
Oh, shit.
You drank me
out of tequila.
It was a dirty job,
but somebody had to do it.
- Here.
- Thank you, Barney.
- Hello?
- Alex?
- Zach?
- I think so.
Oh, Zach, do you know
what time it is?
Just a minute.
Alex wants to know what time it is.
Shh! Five after 2:00.
It's five after 2:00.
Besides being drunk,
what else is wrong?
I forgot to ask you
something very important.
Yes?
What the hell was it?
- Oh, Zach, come on...
- No, no, no, no. I re... I remember.
Um, Alex,
are you presently
involved with anyone?
Yes.
- Yes?
- Yes.
Who?
His name is Jonas Mallard.
Sounds like a duck.
- Zach...
- Why wasn't he there tonight?
Because he's in New York
on business.
Is it serious?
Yes.
Gonna get married?
We've talked about it.
I don't know whether you know it,
but it's bad luck to marry a duck.
Good night, Zach.
Unless you're a duck.
Even then, it's no guarantee
it's gonna last.
- Am I right? Are ducks monogamous?
- No. Swans are.
This guy's a duck.
That was Alex.
So I gathered.
Hey, Barney,
how about another one?
- You know, of course, we're breaking the law.
- What "we"?
I got a mouse in my pocket.
"We."
One thing's sure...
Mice are not monogamous.
- For sure.
- If they were, they'd be "monogomice."
- Yeah. I'll call a cab.
- Okay.
I-I don't go
to hotels anymore.
I'm on their shit list.
So if your guest room is still occupied,
I'll just curl up
on the bar right here.
Okay, but no throwing up
in the fish tank.
I cross my heart.
- Let's go.
- Barney?
- What?
- Carry me.
Oh, shit.
Oh, I'm blind!
- I can't see!
- All right, all right.
How did you do...
What is that?
- It's a B-12.
- Do I need it?
Did Custer need
a bulletproof vest?
Barney...
All right.
Easy. Easy.
Okay, okay! God!
- Jeez!
- Okay.
- I gotta pee.
- Huh? Easy, easy. All right.
All right.
Take it easy.
Why did you wrap yourself
in toilet paper?
'Cause I was cold.
I'm in a lot of trouble, Doctor.
Frankly,
I don't have the strength...
or the courage to go on like this,
and even if I did, I wouldn't want to.
Every day, I get
a little more depressed.
I get a little more desperate.
I feel like I'm worse off
than when I first started with you.
When you first started
with me, you were a mess.
I'm still a mess.
I haven't changed.
Don't you know by now that changing one's
basic character is next to impossible?
No. I don't know that.
Jesus, if I thought I couldn't change, I
wouldn't come to see you in the first place.
- I didn't say you couldn't.
- You just said it was impossible!
- I said it was next to impossible.
- Well, shit, Doctor.
"Next to" isn't
that far removed.
If it were,
there'd be no analysts.
Not an entirely
unhappy prospect, Doctor.
Did I ever tell you the story
about the frog and the scorpion?
No.
A scorpion who couldn't swim
asked the frog...
to carry him across
the river on his back.
The frog said,
"Do you think I'm crazy?
Halfway across the river,
you'll sting me and I'll drown."
"That's not reasonable,"
said the scorpion.
"If I sting you and you drown,
I'll drown too."
Frog thought about it,
said, "Climb on."
Halfway across the river,
the scorpion stung the frog.
And as the frog was drowning,
he said to the scorpion,
"But now you'll drown too."
The scorpion said,
"Yes, I know."
"That's not reasonable,"
said the frog.
And the scorpion replied,
"Reason has nothing
to do with it.
I'm a scorpion.
It's my character."
You know what I feel like
telling you?
Yes. You feel like telling me
to go fuck myself.
And you probably will,
because that's your character.
See you next Tuesday.
The man was fabulous.
Absolutely fabulous.
I took one look at him,
and I just knew...
- Hi.
- Hi. You can go right in.
- Thank you.
- I got to go now. Okay.
Can I help you?
Uh, yeah. I just happened
to be in the building,
and I was intrigued
by the company name.
- Is this the company name?
- Yes, it is.
"Form 3, world's foremost fitness
and beauty program."
Mm-hmm. One of our clients lost
11 pounds in three days...
- and was completely cured of his asthma.
- You take men?
Mm-hmm. Thirty-five percent
of our clientele are men.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
Uh, you know, the, um,
the girl who just came in...
Emily?
Emily, yes. She certainly
didn't look to be lacking...
in the fitness
or beauty department.
- You should have seen her six months ago.
- Really?
- The first herbal wrap is on the house.
- Look...
And if you give me your name, Molly
can set up your complimentary treatment.
- Wait.
- Hello, Zach.
- Molly.
- Isn't that special? You two know each other.
God!
- What are you doing?
- Working.
Molly's our
number-one therapist.
Terrific.
How've you been?
Angry.
- Molly, this is silly.
- What's that?
I don't need a complimentary
herbal wrap and electro-stimulation.
- Okay.
- I just...
- I happened to be in the building.
- But it's not silly, Zach.
- It's what I do now.
- I didn't mean...
I mean, it's how
I make my living.
You know, I could've sued
your ass off, Zach.
But instead I decided to get a job. You
may not approve, but it pays the rent.
- I approve, okay?
- If you think it's so silly, what are you doing here?
- I guess I'm getting a complimentary herbal wrap.
- But if it's so silly...
It's not, okay?
Wrap me.
The silly little pads
I've attached to your problem areas...
will make
your muscles contract.
The more I increase
the current,
- the more your muscles will contract.
- Molly...
For the first silly treatment,
it's not advisable to exceed plus-three.
God, I wish I didn't
hate you so much, Zach.
- M-Molly?
- After ten silly treatments,
you should be able
to handle plus-seven.
M-Mo-Mo-Mo...
Why'd you have to act
like such a dick?
Anything above plus-seven...
could be dangerous.
Molly! Molly!
Give me that!
Go fuck yourself!
- How much?
- Two and a quarter.
Hey!
All you got to do is drive down
Sunset, look at the billboard.
She's representing
something called Shape.
Yeah, it's a magazine.
We represent it as well.
You will not believe
this woman.
Yeah, well, you know,
that magazine is throwing...
a big party tonight
at the Century Plaza.
- You probably got an invitation.
- You think so?
- Yeah.
- Oh, God!
- You all right?
- Maybe I should have something to eat.
- Coffee?
- No, that's bad. l... Okay.
- Goddamn it!
- What's the matter?
I can never tie
these fucking ties.
Oh, God.
Stop complaining.
How many times a year
do you have to put on your tux?
- You know something, Bern?
- Yeah.
One of us is wearing
the wrong clothes.
Which one?
The Shape
black-tie party...
is at the Century Plaza tonight.
- Uh-huh.
- The Share costume ball...
is at the Century Plaza
next Friday night.
Nice costume.
Is the Shape party
in here?
- Aladdin?
- That's what he told me.
Bern, he's gonna kill me.
Bernice, it is not funny.
Okay.
Get me the fuck
out of here.
Jake! Jake!
- You told me it was a costume party!
- Where did you get...
Bernice, stop it.
- The lamp...
- Look at the shoes!
I'm sorry.
Zach, I'm really sorry.
I tried to call you
several times.
- Jake.
- Howard. How are you?
Howard, this is Zach Hutton.
Zach, this is Howard Simon.
He's your host.
Howdy, Howard.
I told Zach that it was
a costume party.
- I tried to call you.
- You're fired.
Cheer up.
Inside of about five minutes,
I drank 14 glasses of champagne.
By the shank of the evening,
I was completely shit-faced.
Steamboat coming through. Excuse me.
And fearless.
How do you do.
My name is Zachary Hutton,
and my wish is to fuck you.
I'm in deep therapy.
I could probably use,
you know, psychoanalysis.
That girl looks like
a psychoanalyst.
- So what's the answer?
- What's the question?
Can a man change
his character...
- even if a scorpion can't?
- Hmm.
Good question.
What's the answer?
The answer is yes, providing
you know what your problem is.
I know what my problem is,
and I can't change it.
- Have you tried?
- No.
- Don't you want to?
- To be honest, I haven't given it much thought.
- Do you know why you don't want to?
- I haven't the foggiest.
Because you don't know
what the alternative is.
- Oh, I see.
- I know my alternative.
No more young,
healthy bodies...
with beautiful,
empty heads.
My salvation is a handsome,
experienced, healthy
middle-aged woman...
who's been married at least once,
and who is a great deal smarter than I.
- How's Alex?
- I was just about to call her.
Hey, Barney, do you have...
Oh, yeah.
Thank you.
- Hello?
- Hello, Greg?
- Who is this?
- This is your stepfather. May I speak to Alex?
Uh, no, she's gone
for the weekend.
- Where?
- She asked me not to give out that information, Zach.
Well, you're a fine
young lad, aren't you?
Please tell her I called.
Sure.
I wish he'd stay
the hell out of her life.
Hi, Marge. Can I come in?
Hi, Marge. I'm sorry to bother you,
but could we just talk for a minute?
Sorry. I didn't see the suitcase here.
Are you going someplace?
- Yes.
- Where?
- Away.
- Away where?
Away where
you can't find me.
Aah! Harry...
Sorry about that.
Are you gonna see Alex?
What is it
you exactly want, Zach?
Marge, I need to talk to your daughter.
It's very important.
Would you just please
tell me where she is?
- No.
- Why won't you tell me?
Because if you knew where she was,
you'd screw up her life,
and then I'd have to
kill you.
Oh, well,
that makes sense.
Do you think I could have a drink?
I'm a little parched.
- I'll get you some tap water.
- That's fine. That would be great.
Oh. Marge, thank you.
Cheers.
It's good. Clear too.
Would you like a little...
Look, Marge, um,
I realize you and I over the years
haven't exactly hit it off,
and you have just cause
to really hate me.
But I don't know why...
I just feel that...
somehow if you'd look
deep within yourself,
you might find that you have
some good feelings about me.
- Well, Marge, I just think that...
- Harry.
- It's time now to bury the hatchet, you know?
- Harry.
You left that door open. If you let that
dog run away, I'll rip your beard off!
- Marge, I tripped. l...
- Harry?
Harry!
Harry? Harry!
Here, Harry!
Harr... Harr...
Holy Jesus.
Harry. Harry.
Harry? Come on, Harry.
Snap out of it.
- Oh, God!
- Nice Harry.
Come on, Harry!
Harry? Harry?
- Harry?
- Marge, why don't you look out back?
- I'll-I'll go out front.
- Harry!
- Harry! Harry!
- Harry?
- Here, Harry!
- Harry?
- Here, Harry!
- Here, Harry!
Harry.
- You find him?
- No!
- Keep looking!
- Harry!
Harry!
Here, boy!
Sorry, Harry.
Stay.
Harry?
Hi, you've reached the Fennermans.
Leave a message when you hear the beep.
Jake, this is Zach. It's 2:00 in the morning.
I'm in Ventura County jail. Get me out.
The arresting officer
states that you were clocked...
at 134 miles an hour.
Anything to say
about that, Mr. Hutton?
I was in a hurry,
Your Honor.
Me too. Five hundred dollars
or 30 days.
Miss Alexander Hutton.
- What about her?
- I'm Zachary Hutton.
- Should that make a difference?
- She's expecting me. What's her room number?
- She's not in her room.
- Where is she?
She's in the arboretum.
Harry?
Would you mind...
Is this a bad time?
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here...
to join
in holy matrimony...
Alexandra and Jonas.
If there is anyone here
who could show just cause...
why this couple
should not be married,
let them speak now...
or forever hold
their peace.
Uh...
Come on, Zach.
Alex, you don't have
to do this.
Yes, I do.
Papa always said...
if someone takes the trouble
to ruin your wedding,
the least you can do
is walk 'em to the car.
He sounds like a real
old-world gentleman.
Oh, you'd have loved each other.
You could compare livers.
You know, your mother
missed her calling.
If she'd drop a few pounds,
I might get her a match with Sugar Ray.
Can't say
as I really blame her.
- I always wondered what she saw in me.
- Probably Papa.
Could you get
Mr. Hutton's car, please?
- I guess I really screwed things up.
- You guess.
- You want to know why I came?
- No.
I feel like I'm drowning, and you're
the only one that can save me.
- I can't save you, Zach.
- You can't?
That's not fair.
I was counting on you.
You see, no matter
how bad I am or was or will be,
I keep thinking
you're gonna save me.
In spite of everything, you'll put your
arms around me and tell me it's all right,
and I'll be resurrected because
you love me and you've got the magic.
- No magic.
- Yeah, but what a dream, huh?
- It's a selfish dream.
- That, too,
but hey, these days I'm all I've got,
and that ain't much.
Zach, you know,
I'm glad I don't have the magic.
- How come?
- Because you'd count on it and never look for the truth.
In spite of how it seems,
I'm looking.
In the bottom
of a cocktail glass?
Good kill.
You know, Alex, I do love you
and I'm gonna make it.
Would it be too much
to ask you to wait until I do?
Yes.
- Because you don't think I can?
- Yes.
Yeah, and if I do, what a guy!
Just think what you'll be missing.
Can we get married now?
We have to talk.
I've never felt like this before.
I'm-I'm seriously unhappy.
This is not just
the bush-league blues.
We're talking major-league
depression here.
I can't sleep.
I take pills,
but they only last a couple hours...
and then I'm up at 4:00 in the morning,
pacing the fucking house...
or walking on the cold
fucking beach, you know?
I'm so miserable,
I want to fucking shoot myself.
But I can't
because I'm afraid to die.
How's that for fucked-up?
So what's the answer?
I forgot. You don't have answers.
You're not the burning bush.
You just give suggestions.
Well, I need help.
I'm in the fucking dumper.
Give me a suggestion,
because I know you've got one.
I can see it in those
beady little Freudian eyes.
If an alcoholic wants me to cure him,
you know what I say?
That's a question.
That's not a suggestion.
Okay. What do you say?
First, stop drinking.
I don't get it.
Go home and think about it.
That's my suggestion.
We interrupt our broadcast
to bring you an important announcement.
The weather service has just issued
an urgent tsunami wave warning...
due to a seismic disturbance
in the Pacific.
Waves could exceed heights
of 20 feet...
and may crest at any time.
All residents in the coastal area
are urged to be on the alert.
Just tryin'to find my way
Don't know my name
Living day to day
- Hi.
- Hi.
Just a little boy
who wants to have his way
I just can't keep still
And I'm
falling out of love
Falling out of love
Sometime it feels
Like I'm running
out of time
Sand slippin'
through my fingers
Like rivers
through my mind
God,
I rented this beach house because
I thought, if You're really there,
this is the best place
to get in touch with You.
I'm in pretty bad shape,
and I need some answers.
If an alcoholic wants me to cure him,
you know what I say?
First, stop drinking.
I got it!
Jake!
You won't believe it!
But there is a God!
And He's a gag writer!
What the...
What the...
Close the door,
goddamn it, Jake!
Bernice will never forgive Jake
for renting me his other beach house.
But anyway,
I figured it out, Barney.
You can't cure a problem
until you know...
what's causing the problem.
But before you can see
what's causing the problem,
you first have to
remove the problem.
You gotta give up the vices
to get to the virtues.
- I could've told you that.
- Yeah? Why didn't you?
You want it to take, you got to
figure it out for yourself.
Okay, wise guy,
what's my problem?
You're scared,
like the rest of us.
You drink too much.
You chase girls much too much...
and you don't use
your God-given talent anymore.
You've known that all along?
I'm a good bartender.
Now all I have to do is figure out
how to stop being scared.
While you're at it,
may I offer a suggestion?
Open up! I know you're
in there! I'm coming to get you!
The truth...
Was I research... or recreation?
You were ravishing.
I switched you
from tonic water to Slice.
- Think you can handle it? - Fine. Just
keep me away from honey-roasted almonds.
Excuse me.
- Congratulations, Mr. Hutton.
- Oh, you read my book?
No, but since you stopped drinking,
you're a much better kisser.
- Hello, Miss Jones.
- Hi, stranger.
- Need any help?
- No, I'll get her. I got her.
Ow. Ooh, God.
Doesn't this hurt you?
Rebecca, you look fetching.
- Merry Christmas, Greg.
- Merry Christmas.
- Marge!
- I'm really proud of you.
- You're kidding.
- Yes.
Hey, you guys.
You're not mad, are you?
- No, of course not.
- Congratulations, Zach.
Nice to see you both.
Watch out.
He's dangerous.
- Molly!
- Zach! I'd like you to meet Steven.
- Nice to meet you. How are you?
- How are you, Steven?
- I read your book. Mm-hmm.
- Yeah?
Great. Thank you.
- What do you do, Steven?
- I'm a fireman.
Nice move.
- Curt.
- How are ya?
I think you remember
this lady.
How could I forget?
She used to borrow my socks.
- Would you like another drink?
- Please.
- Good for you.
- Thanks. How's the duck?
Last time I heard, he was thinking of
moving to Washington and getting married.
- To you?
- No.
Still got cold feet?
Only where you're concerned.
I've stopped drinking.
I've written a best-seller.
In my book, two out of three
ain't bad.
No, but in my book, two out of three
just ain't good enough.
What would you do
if I told you...
that I've been celibate
for six months?
Cross my legs.
Alex, we were made
for each other.
And I'm gonna prove that to you.
One of these days,
you're gonna be wearing my socks again.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- It's the best thing you've ever written.
- Really?
Your book set me on fire.
Rebecca, I think there's something
you should know.
Yes, Zach?
In order for me to write
this book, I had to...
change.
- Oh, Zach.
- Yes, Rebecca?
You ever heard the story
of the frog and the scorpion?
KBLA now concludes its broadcast day.
- When are you gonna grow up?
- What are you talking about?
I've stopped drinking,
written a best-seller,
and refused to sleep with a beautiful,
lusty, aromatic young female.
In my book, that's pretty good
growing up.
Oh, I suppose so.
But you're in a monogamous
relationship now,
so take it off.
Okay, but you're not
being very patriotic.
Don't know why it seems
Like a long, long time
Since I've been
on the move, oh
I'm just trying to find
my way
Don't know my name
Living day to day
Just a little boy
who wants to have his way
I just can't keep still
And I'm
falling out of love
Falling out of love
Sometimes it feels
Like I'm runnin'
out of time
Sand slippin'
through my fingers
Like rivers through my mind
On the corner
Hangin' with the boys
I always will be
Falling out of love
Falling out of love
In and out of love
Out of love
Just foolin'around
Can't slow down
Shoulda listened to what
my daddy said
Just want to be cool
Another fool
I can't keep still
And I'm
feeling kind of blue
My eyes are red
But something keeps
telling me
That I know
just what's gonna become
Of this little boy
Inside this heart of mine
I keep on
Falling out of love
Falling out of love
Just another child
with a story to tell
I can't keep still
And I'm
falling out of love
Falling out of love
Just enough time
to live my life
I can't keep still
And I'm
falling out of love
Falling out of love
like a long, long time
Since I've been
on the move
Oh, I'm just tryin'to
find my way
Don't know my name
Livin'day to day
Just a little boy
who wants to have his way
Just can't keep still
and I'm
Falling out of love
Falling out of love
Sometimes it feels
like I'm runnin'out of time
Sand slippin'
through my fingers
Like rivers through my mind
On the corner
hangin' with the boys
I always will be
Falling out of love
Falling out of love
In and out of love
Out of love
Just foolin'around
Can't slow down
Shoulda listened
to what my daddy said
Just wanna be cool
Another fool
I can't keep still
And I'm feelin'
kind of blue
My eyes are red
But something keeps tellin'me
that I know
Just what is gonna become
of this little boy
Inside
this heart of mine
I keep on
Falling out of love
Falling out of love
I don't know what to say.
How about,
"The Lord is my shepherd"?
Come on, Angie.
Drop the gun.
Is that it?
Zachary Hutton,
Pulitzer Prize-winning
playwright,
internationally acclaimed author,
about to be shot to death
by a jealous female,
and all he can come up with is,
"Come on, Angie. Drop the gun."
- Zach!
- I'll be right with you.
Who are you kidding?
You know as well as I do you're not
gonna shoot. You couldn't kill a fly.
I could if I caught it
fucking my hairdresser.
Oh!
Angie, come on now.
Give me the gun.
Tell you what?
I'll be fair about this.
Community property...
I keep the gun, you get the bullets.
- But I saw you load it.
- You weren't paying attention.
I always keep
the first chamber empty.
Oh, really?
- Son of a bitch!
- You're overreacting.
Get out of here, you bitch!
- Angie!
- Goddamn it!
Hello?
- Darling?
- Oh!
Come on, Angie.
For God's sake!
Good-bye, Zach.
- Please! Please!
- Hello.
- Alex?
- I thought you were on a plane.
- Engine trouble.
- Oh. I'm sorry.
You have me at a disadvantage.
You obviously know who I am.
- I'm Angela Smith.
- And what do you do, Angela,
- besides trying to kill my husband?
- Alex?
- Shut up!
- Shut up! I'm an investment counselor.
- And Zach's mistress.
- Who was that in the sheet?
My hairdresser.
- I think I get the picture.
- Alex?
If you still wanna kill him,
do me a favor and take him outside.
Those are new sheets.
Go ahead and shoot.
No. That's too good for you.
But I bet when that lady gets through
with you, you'll wish I had.
Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
Let's see
if I got this straight.
- Angie catches you in bed with...
- Tina.
In your house?
- She was cutting my hair.
- Bed?
I know it sounds turgid,
but I have a barber chair in my study.
Spurious perhaps,
but not turgid.
She was finishing up
with the blow-dryer.
A skittish instrument
if there ever was one.
- One thing led to another.
- Enter Angie with your.38.
Luckily, I always keep
the first chamber empty.
Oh, lucky, indeed.
That's the first empty chamber
you ever filled since I've known you.
Scotch rocks.
Barney, do you really perceive me
as a major compulsive womanizer?
A 42-year-old shooting star
in a galactic harem.
Can I be cured?
Do you wanna be cured?
I know it's ruining
my life, and yet...
"And yet." Two words that to one degree
or another plague us all.
You see, I truly love women.
- Oh, I see.
- I love everything about them, Barney.
I love the way they feel,
the way they smell, most of the time.
I have to admit, I don't like women
with long, round toenails.
But that is the only
abrogation so far.
And so far has been quite awhile
and quite a few.
- Oh, that's true.
- Out of soup.
I long for a meaningful...
monogamous,
healthy relationship.
And I was sure I had it with Alex,
but the truth is, Barney,
in the deep dark silence
of my considered conscience,
where there's just me and me,
the unmitigated truth...
is I want it all.
Hey, wanting is okay.
I want a loving,
faithful, caring,
caretaking wife,
and I wanna make love
to everything else in long skirts,
with bare feet
and ripe, juicy mouths.
Little boy-girls with small,
firm breasts and tight asses.
Rubenesque round women...
with big Mother Earth breasts
and green eyes.
God! I could go on and on.
Don't. I'm getting a hard-on.
Me too.
The point is I'm bright enough
to know it's an impossible dream,
but I'm helpless
to act otherwise.
However, the ultimate fate
of the bill is still in question,
since those close to the president,
who were willing to guess,
believe he will veto the bill.
But proponents say such
a program is the only way to...
Zach, may I make
a suggestion?
- Please do.
- Look.
Don't try to solve it tonight.
Go home. Sleep on it.
Alas, old friend,
I have no home.
She chucked me out...
lock, stock and typewriter.
What have you got
against my typewriter?
You used to write on it...
books and plays and movies.
Once, once you wrote a poem on our
second anniversary and gave it to me.
And you were happy. You exorcised
your demons with credible thoughts...
and good words on that typewriter,
and your talent turned me on.
I really thought we had a chance
"until death do us part."
And then one day
you stopped.
- You gave up.
- I dried up. It happens to writers.
Oh, so you bury yourself with the first
available young female that comes along,
in the hopes that she's going to
magically restore your lost talent?
- Alex...
- No, don't say it. This is a lecture, not a debate.
And since I don't intend to speak
to you for the rest of this lifetime,
you either get out now,
or shut up and let me finish.
I'm not saying that
your condition is unique.
In fact, quite a few
older men do the same thing.
How about quite a few
older women?
If you're trying to
redeem yourself...
by implying that I might
have been unfaithful to you,
you're barking up
the wrong older woman.
I could have,
but regrettably didn't.
I threw out that typewriter
because it represents everything...
that could have been loving
and lasting...
and wonderful,
and everything that wasn't.
- Can I say something? Please?
- No! No! No!
You have 20 minutes to get your things
and get out of this house forever,
or I will get a restraining order
and have you removed.
It's over, but I still
love that woman, Jake.
- You think you could patch it up?
- No, it's over.
Hmm. That's a shame, because
her divorce lawyer called this morning.
- She... She's gonna be tough.
- How tough?
Well, half of everything you've earned
since you've been married.
- a hundred thousand a year for the next five years,
- What?
- the house, the farm, both cars.
- You've gotta be kidding.
- There's something I forgot.
- How about the shirt off my back?
- That's it.
- I'll tell you what I'll give her.
I'll give her exactly
what she's entitled to.
The house, the farm,
both cars.
A $ 100,000 a year
for five years.
I'm a desperate man, Doctor.
I need help.
I've gotta change
my way of living.
And if that ain't enough,
I'm gonna change the way
I strut my stuff.
'Cause nobody loves you
when you're old and gray
There'll be some changes
made today
Yes, sir, there'll be
some changes made
Duh-duh-da
I couldn't resist it.
- You think I'm crazy?
- No.
Then, what the hell
is wrong with me?
Well, for one thing,
you can't sing worth shit.
I can't go on like this, Doctor.
If it's the last thing I do, I'm gonna
settle down, start writing again...
and stop chasing after
beautiful, young women.
Whoa!
Camera two, get a tight shot on Alex,
will ya? We don't wanna miss this one.
KRA-TV is proud to present...
- Ten seconds.
- Have you seen Adam White's piece?
- No. Is it good?
- Y-You don't know about it?
- Five seconds.
Should I?
What's so amazing about gridlock?
On one.
If you drive, you know about it.
It's called gridlock.
It happens when traffic gets so congested,
not even a green light means move.
In this continuing series
on gridlock,
Adam White shows us how this
bumper-to-bumper disease...
is spreading
from town to town.
Alex, it is now clear
that gridlock is an epidemic.
No one can escape it. You are looking
at the proof here in Brentwood,
a shopping center
for the rich and famous.
This can be
particularly dangerous,
because paramedics can't even
make their way to help gridlock victims,
which in this case
turned out to be...
Zachary Hutton,
famous author and playwright.
The victim was lucky.
No serious injuries...
and a beautiful amateur nurse
who sells real estate in her spare time.
What do you bet
she sells him a house?
For a while there,
I thought, "This is it."
I was convinced
it couldn't get any better.
I should have known better.
Don't worry about it.
- It happens.
- Not to me.
Not being able to screw is as bad
as not being able to write.
Maybe you should
try writing again.
What the fuck
does that mean?
I don't know.
I'm not the burning bush.
I made a suggestion,
not a commandment.
- Hi, Jasper.
- Welcome, Mr. Hutton.
There he is.
Hey, Curt.
- I'm glad you could come.
- Curt Ames, Helena Walker.
- How are you?
- How's he been?
- Just adorable. Mm-hmm.
- That bad?
- Dear boy.
- Hi, Sparky.
Faulkner's one-time
heir apparent,
and all he can say
is "Hi, Sparky."
Never mind. It's nice
to see you again. Denise?
Helena. Helena Walker,
Leon Sparks.
- But we've met.
- No.
Oh, shit. I foozled your redheads.
Forgive me.
Well, you know what they say... once
you've seen one, you've seen them all.
I'm sure Zach,
as an expert on the subject,
would be the first
to denounce that canard.
But for the moment, dear boy, why
don't you do whatever is necessary...
to make yourself comfortable, while I
try to redeem myself with Helena...
by introducing her to some
clever people... more her age.
- Excuse me.
- Double vodka tonic.
I decided not to drink
to avoid arguments...
and to be alert to the narrative
possibilities of the evening.
Then, Alex arrived
with my stepson Greg.
Alex!
Dear girl, how wonderful.
- Greg, you're almost as tall as I am.
- Excuse me.
You told me he wasn't
going to be here.
He told me
he wasn't going to be here.
- I don't believe you.
- Ask him.
You know that we're...
Shit!
Ask me what?
Hello, Greg.
Come to give your old failed
stepfather a big hug?
- Ask me what?
- Nothing.
- You said she wasn't coming.
- I said she wasn't coming if you came.
- Nice.
- And you said?
I said, "Oh, in that case,
I wasn't coming."
Then, I called him back,
and said I changed my mind.
Yes, a little addendum
you neglected to mention.
If you were under 18,
I would have considered it relevant.
Now, children,
who is going to leave first?
Come on, Greg.
I'll buy you a drink.
You are such a prick.
Dear boy, some of
my best friends are pricks.
Some of your best pricks
are friends.
There was a time
when your wit was incisive.
but that riposte
was just a feeble jab...
from a routed ex-champion.
If you think I'm such a failure,
why do you keep on representing me?
That's like asking a heroin addict
why he keeps shooting up.
It's because he keeps hoping
for that first-time rush,
that cherry high, even though
he knows he'll never get it again.
He's hooked,
and he keeps hoping.
Watch out.
I may surprise you.
You watch out.
I'm beyond surprises.
Excuse me.
- Leon! Stop for a minute?
- No!
- At least let me...
- Aw, stop it! It's over!
- You cruel, graceless son of a bitch!
- I'm not going to argue with you.
- I want you out of this house by tomorrow morning!
- Sound familiar?
Now leave me alone!
For God's sake, stop sniveling.
Try to save yourself at least
a lick of self-respect!
Was I right? Adorable.
Snooping around
for an 11:00 newsbreak?
I take it back.
You're too much of a cunt to be a prick.
Don't say it, dear boy,
write it.
- Not being able to write
is like not being able to screw.
Well, maybe they sort of
depend on each other.
What the fuck
does that mean?
How the fuck do I know?
I'm a bartender,
not your psychiatrist.
The most beautiful girl
in the world
Picks my ties out
Eats my candy, drinks my brandy
The most beautiful girl
in the world
The most beautiful star
in the world
Isn't Garbo, isn't Dietrich
But the sweet trick
- That will make me believe
it's a beautiful world
I really hoped
when Molly moved in...
that we had a good chance
at a long-term relationship.
My romance doesn't
have to have a moon
In the sky
My romance doesn't
need a blue lagoon
Standing by
No month of May
No twinkling star
No hideaway
No soft guitar
My romance doesn't
need a castle
- Any idea what started it?
- Spontaneous combustion.
- What's that?
- The inevitable consequence...
of excessive vicissitude.
- What's that?
- Pressure.
Well, come on, explain.
Two people, who live an inharmonious
existence together...
eventually arrive at a point where the
pressure is so great, somebody has to give.
Unless you bleed off a certain
amount of steam in a pressure cooker,
- it will explode.
- Excessive vicissitude.
When wood is too dry
and the sun is too hot...
- Spontaneous combustion.
- Exactly.
You were the wood,
Molly was the sun.
A felicitous analogy.
- And what's that?
- Showing off with big words.
- Oh!
- It's a condition that occurs...
when I mix a lack of self-esteem
with an abundance of alcohol.
To be precise,
a Banzai Sunset.
- All right, Zach. Car keys. Uh!
- Uh-uh.
Hey. Molly took my Jeep
and my Mercedes burned up with the fire.
Come on. Give her
some credit, will ya?
Most of the women I know
would have swung with the Mercedes.
- It had a flat.
- Oh, it had a flat.
- When you pass out, where do I ship the body?
- I don't know.
So far it's a toss-up between your
guest room and the Ambassador Hotel.
- My guest room is occupied.
- By whom?
- By a guest.
- I don't believe you.
You're just timid about tidying up
after a drunk.
Tidying up is a cinch. It's replacing
furniture, buying new carpet,
painting out the graffiti
is what makes me timid.
What are you looking for?
You hid the nuts. Didn't
I reimburse you for all that stuff?
- Some things are not reimbursable.
- For instance?
Like putting Krazy Glue on my dog's balls,
then sticking him halfway up the wall.
- I see your point.
- Look, it's not that I don't empathize.
- What's that?
- Feel sorry for you.
- Good night, Barney.
- Good night, Barney.
- Hi, Barney.
- Lonnie!
- Hey, girls. - Hey,
doll! - Hi, Lonnie!
- What's the soup?
- Lentil.
- It was lentil last week.
- When the lentil's all gone, it'll be something else.
I'd love a steak,
but I shouldn't.
Sure you should. The kind of shape
you're in, you could eat a whole cow.
- Good evening.
- Hi.
- What's that you're playing?
- Something Cole Porter made up.
You play very well.
Are you a professional musician?
No. Are you?
No. I don't know
anything about music.
That kind of music, anyway.
Can you play
"Three Times A Lady"?
I'm sorry.
I'm not quite drunk enough yet.
- Miss?
- Jones. Lonnie Jones.
I'm Zach. Hi.
If you're still here when I finish
my steak and lentil soup, Zach,
we'll pick up this conversation
where it left off.
Have you met Miss Jones
Someone said
as we shook hands
She was just Miss Jones
to me
Then I said Miss Jones
You're a girl
who understands
I'm a man
who must be free
And all at once
I lost my breath
And all at once
was scared to death
And all at once
I owned the earth and sky
Now I met Miss Jones
And we'll keep on meeting
till we die
Miss Jones and
And I
It wasn't...
It wasn't a derby,
Because it...
Hey, wait. Hey, wait, wait.
You promised to take me home.
- I have.
- This is home?
- This is where I work.
- This is where you...
This...
is where I live.
This is... Hey!
I like where you live.
It reflects a strong sense
of individuality and taste,
yet it's still feminine.
- You sound surprised.
- Do I?
- Are you?
- About what?
That a woman can be an individual
with taste and still be feminine?
Oh! If I admitted surprise,
would that mitigate against us
going to bed together?
- It might.
- Then, for the record,
I am the least surprised man
you have ever met in your entire life.
- I'll take your word for it.
- I was hoping you would.
- Wanna use the bathroom?
- Ladies first.
- No chauvinism intended.
- Make yourself at home.
How do you feel about women
who are into bodybuilding?
I don't know. I've never known
a woman who builds bodies.
Look at it this way, Zach.
I've worked five years,
52 weeks a year,
five days a week,
three hours a day...
to build this body.
And for one night,
this night,
it's all yours.
How do you feel about that?
Like Mrs. Arnold Schwarzenegger.
I love your sense of humor.
And it loves you.
Do you always try
and joke your way out of a tight spot?
Not always. Occasionally,
I'm too frightened to make my lips move.
Hope you're not
frightened now, Zach.
I'm not, but fortunately
my cock is scared stiff.
- Wonderful.
- I hope so.
Now just relax.
Right.
And leave everything
to Lonnie.
You got it, Lonnie.
Let's get these shorts off.
Oh, that's a good idea.
Listen.
While you're down there,
would you mind
getting the sock?
Oh, God! Thank you.
Thank you, God!
Okay, ladies. Get it on!
Right across the room
Standing there
Hi, Zach!
Sorry I'm late.
Starin'a hole
that cuts like a knife
Baby, it's burning
Burning skin deep
To the bone
Skin deep, to the bone
Skin deep
How'd you get in?
Sorry everything's in such a mess.
It's the maid's day off.
I'm not going to argue
with you anymore, Zach.
You're dishonest,
and you're too good with words.
Hey, when have I ever
been dishonest with you?
Oh, come on!
You were dishonest with me from the time
you decided you wanted to fuck me!
We were introduced.
I said, "How do you do?
I wanna fuck you."
What's dishonest about that?
Zach, in the six months
of living together,
- we had 100 arguments.
- I only counted 99.
Okay. Out of those
99 arguments,
was there ever one time
that you thought that I was right?
- Honestly? No.
- What does that tell you?
That you were wrong
99 times out of 100.
Get out of my face, Zach,
or I swear to God I'm gonna kill you.
- Can I ask you something first?
- No.
What are you looking for?
- My runes.
- I'm sorry. You're what?
Runes. I cast them for you once
when we started going together.
- Runes?
- Viking runes!
Little stones with runic symbols
that tell your fortune.
You said they were bullshit, but the last
time I consulted them, I turned up Isa.
Isa? Oh, well,
what does that mean?
Spiritual winter.
- Oh.
- I'm spiritually frozen, Zach.
So what? You thought a good fire
would help thaw you out?
There you go!
So, where did you keep
these runes?
I put 'em
in my bedside drawer.
I thought because
they were stone, but...
They must have melted
or something.
You won't find them here. The bedroom's
over there. You're in the toilet.
Yeah, the story of my life.
- Molly.
- Don't worry.
I'll bring back the Jeep
as soon as I find a job.
Shit!
- You don't look great.
- I can't imagine why not.
I spent the past 24 hours
escaping from a burning house,
getting shitfaced and shacking up
with a muscle-bound sex maniac...
and doing three hours
of kamikaze aerobics.
Speaking of burning houses,
they haven't said so in so many words,
but they're making noises like they
think the fire has been deliberately set.
- "They" being?
- The insurance company.
- Based on?
- Information from the fire department.
- What information?
- We'll know that when they tell us.
Uh, another screwdriver
for Mr. Hutton,
and I'll have, uh,
Jack Daniels rocks.
Sorry about Sparky.
- What about Sparky?
- Oh, I thought you knew.
- Oh, shit.
- It was on the morning news.
- I thought someone would have called you.
- Nobody knows I'm here but you.
I'm sorry.
Well, what is it,
a heart?
- A suicide.
- Oh, God.
Oh... God!
I talked to him
just a month ago.
I told him
I wanted to apologize.
Apologize?
For what, for Christ's sake?
Oh, for letting him down, for the things
I said the last time I saw him.
But he said, "Well, that's
very big of you, Zach.
But I'm afraid it's too late.
You've cut me too deep."
Did he have any family?
No. Curt was the closest
thing to family, but...
God, I wonder
how he's taking it.
I gotta get home
to the fuckin' loved ones.
Give Bernice my regards.
Uh, phone, please?
Thank you.
What city, please?
Uh, West Los Angeles.
Alexandra Hutton...
on San Marino.
Sorry. I have no listing
for a Hutton on San Marino.
I show an A. Hutton
on North Bristol.
Uh, there are no Huttons
in West Los Angeles?
- No, sir.
- Okay.
Gimme the number on Bristol.
That number is 555-5657.
- 5657?
- Yes, sir.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome, sir.
Do you see that very beautiful young
woman over there in the turquoise?
- The one in leather.
- Yeah. Find out what she's drinking...
and I'd like to order her
another, okay?
I approve.
Hello? Hello.
Hello. Is anybody there?
- Hello? Who are you calling?
- Alex.
- Uh, Alexander Hutton.
- We've got a whole bunch of Huttons here,
- but no Alexandra.
- Sorry. Wrong number.
What man?
Operator, may I help you?
Operator, would you
connect me with the men's shop?
Thank you.
- Men's Shop, may I help you.
- Yes, uh, this is Zachary Hutton.
- Yes, Mr. Hutton.
- Yes. Would you send me over half a dozen jockey shorts,
half a dozen pairs of socks,
three pairs of pajamas and a robe?
- Any particular color?
- Uh, usual colors.
- And a pair of slippers.
- Where shall I send them?
- Yes, uh, bungalow 11.
- Bungalow 11?
Uh-huh. And I'll...
Sir?
Yes. Look, um,
I'll come by tomorrow,
and I'll pick up
some, um, some pants.
Yes, sir. Good to have you staying at
the hotel again, Mr. Hutton.
Yeah, well,
it's great to be here.
- I've had it!
- Good-bye!
- Oh!
- You don't understand. It's over!
- Over? You listen to me!
- Yes!
- I'm not gonna listen to you!
- You are gonna listen to me! You are gonna talk to me,
and you are gonna
talk to me now!
- You son of a bitch!
- Ow! Goddamn it!
- I've had it! Good-bye, Rick.
- You get over here!
- Oh, fine! Where are you going
in the fuckin' washroom?
- Get outta there!
- Oh, shit. - No! No!
- Hey!
- Rick!
I am sick and tired of you
picking up guys always behind my back!
Oh, yeah? Well, let's talk about the
hot numbers that you pick up everywhere.
I don't pick 'em up!
I pay 'em! It's different!
- Oh, God!
- I'm so sick of you!
- Come here!
- Stop it!
- I'll tell you something.
- Tell me.
I can't right now,
but if I could, I'd tell you!
- I've had it with you!
- Your brain is the size of a pea!
Excuse me!
That's it! Start breaking up
the furniture, you creep!
I'm not a creep. I'm a musician!
- Operator.
- Yes, Operator. This is Zach Hutton in bungalow 11.
Would you please call the people
in the apartment directly above me...
- and tell them to stop
screaming and yelling...
- and breaking up your furniture?
- Are you sure they're breaking furniture?
Yes! Listen.
- Okay?
- I'll call right away.
What? Hello!
Oh, the man
down-fucking-stairs, eh?
Well, thank you very fucking much!
- Rick. Where are you going?
- What?
Where am I going?
Downstairs to talk to this fucking man!
We're gonna get thrown
out of here, damn it!
All right!
I'm coming!
Calling up,
getting me in trouble!
You!
- What's with you, man?
- Wait a goddamn minute!
- Who the fuck are you?
- Who the fuck are you?
- You hit on my old lady...
- I want you out!
- What are you blaming him for?
- You know fucking well why.
You said I'm always comin' on to guys
the minute your back is turned.
Well, you're right. I pick up guys all
the time, whenever I get the chance!
- And you wanna know why?
- Why?
- Because you are a boring...
- Arrogant.
- Arrogant!
- Sanctimonious!
- Sanctimonious!
- Cocksucker.
- Oh, you little... Ow! Jesus!
- I picked him up, Rick!
Hey!
Hey, turns out great,
don't it?
While you're screwin' him,
I'll move out.
Oh, I like that.
Don't be stupid.
Hey, don't panic,
you little wanker.
I pack real fast. Ta.
- Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
- It's okay.
Hey, wait, wait, wait a minute.
Hang on.
- Don't go back up there.
- No, I'll just... I'll just go take a walk.
No, no, no.
You take a seat and relax.
Give him time to get out.
Okay? Sit down.
- Don't be nice to me, please.
- Okay, I won't.
- Would you like a drink?
- No, thanks.
Look. I've caused you
enough trouble.
- I really think I should leave.
- No, you shouldn't.
Now, come on.
It's not your fault.
Even if I did
buy you a drink...
because we had a kind of
mutual exchange...
across a crowded room, that guy had
no business beating you up like that.
- He didn't exactly...
- Who is he? What does he do?
Uh, Rick Curry, he's the lead guitarist
for the Moon Rocks.
Naturally.
- Why naturally?
- Because rock groups like that...
and lead guitarists like Rick
are an unnatural phenomenon,
put on this earth, I suspect,
to test my reality.
I don't know how
I could have missed it.
By the way, I'm Zach Hutton.
How do you do. Amy McKenna.
Amy. Well, I'm sorry
we had to meet like this,
but it's better than
not meeting at all, I hope.
So, what do you do, Zach?
I write and, um, occasionally
I wear orange-and-yellow pajamas.
Usually under a robe.
I'll be right back. Don't go away.
Amy, love, fuck you!
- Amy?
- Yeah?
Where's your home?
My home? Um...
well, I was working
in Seattle when I met Rick.
- He's got a house in New Jersey,
but we travel a lot. - Mm-hmm.
Um, originally
I'm from New Orleans.
New Orleans? Do you know what
it means to Miss New Orleans
- Do you know that song?
- Yeah. My father loves jazz.
How does he feel
about the Moon Rock?
Um, he's never met him.
I don't think he'd like him.
- So, where do you come from, Zach?
- Uh, geographically...
- or emotionally?
- Both.
Well, I was born in Philadelphia,
but I come from New Orleans.
- You like jazz?
- Oh, I love it.
Hmm. But you prefer
heavy metal.
- No, I prefer good music.
- Well, that eliminates heavy metal.
- I love good heavy metal.
- Really? That's impossible.
That's like saying,
"I love good root canal."
You sound like my father.
Oh, no, I know.
Sometimes that can be a major handicap.
What times?
Sounding like a father when I'm trying
to impress a young female under...
- twenty-two?
- Twenty-five.
- Oh, especially those times.
- Well, you could lie.
Then I wouldn't know
if it was me or the lie.
I'd have to start lying
about my age.
Oh, come on. How old are you?
You couldn't be more than 35.
Close. I'm 33.
- Well, good night, Zach. Thanks for everything.
- Good night.
You were terrific.
- Operator.
- Yes, Operator. This is Mr. Hutton in bungalow 11.
Would you please call the apartment
directly above me?
- Do you know who's in that room?
- Mm, I believe Ms. Amy McKenna.
- Hello. What?
- Tchaikovsky?
You're playing Tchaikovsky.
Oh.
It's the TV.
I didn't realize it was that loud.
- Do you like the ballet?
- I like this ballet.
I like the music.
- I'm sorry if I woke you up.
- You didn't.
- Couldn't sleep?
- No.
- Obviously you couldn't either.
- No.
- Would you like me to come up?
- Yes.
- Zach.
- Hmm.
Would you mind
wearing something?
- I am wearing something.
- You are?
Oh, you-you mean...
Oh, no, l...
- Do you... Do you have a...
- No, l... See, there was a fire.
and I lost everything.
They were probably
the first to go.
It's that, you know,
these days it's so...
- I know you can't be too careful.
- I really want you.
Oh, God!
I really want you too.
- So, we can't unless...
- I know. Well, I could... Do you want me to go to...
I could maybe...
You don't... Do you have any?
- Oh, you wouldn't mind?
- Are you kidding? Oh, God, no!
- They're Rick's.
- They're Rick's?
Uh, that's all right.
Um, I'll reimburse him.
Yeah?
- Where in the... Ow! That's all right.
- Sorry.
- We need to get... Are they in...
- This drawer right here.
- Are they in a box?
- Yeah. They should be right on top.
That's not it.
- Okay.
- All right.
Oh, my God!
I can't see what... what I'm doing here.
- I'll turn on the light.
- No, that's all right.
- Where's the bathroom? Maybe that'd be better.
- It's right over there.
I'll be right back. Oh, God.
- Ow! Goddamn thing!
- Sorry.
I don't know about those,
but don't be surprised,
'cause sometimes Rick's sexual taste
can get pretty kinky.
It says in the instructions that it's
been treated with an ancient Chinese herb,
guaranteed
to prolong erection.
- Oh, my God!
- What's wrong?
You're not going to
believe this.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Truly amazing.
Amy?
- Oh, my God. It's Rick!
- What was that?
- Rick? What? Where?
- Quick! In the closet!
- Go! No, no, this way! I think.
- Where?
- Right here.
- Amy?
Turn on the lights, Amy.
Amy. Amy!
Rick, you scared
the hell out of me.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to.
I, uh, came back
to apologize.
- Too late.
- l...
- What's this?
- What?
- This! This!
- What?
Rick, if you wanna talk,
we'll talk tomorrow.
No, I, uh,
I don't wanna talk, love.
- No, Rick. No!
- I thought maybe we could just make a little bit of love.
- Maybe just... Fine!
- No!
- Jesus!
- Where are you going?
I forgot my mousse.
- What the hell?
- What?
What's this?
- What?
- This.
- Rick!
- Amy, it was gonna be a surprise.
They were in that...
that drawer!
- What, you think I took them out and...
- No! No!
I think they got up
all by themselves.
Rick, they're your stupid rubbers!
Take 'em and get out!
All right! All right!
Fine!
Fine, but you know,
you don't know what your missing.
Rick?
- That's amazing.
- I know. I haven't had one that lasted this long...
since I was 12.
No wonder
Rick wanted to invest.
I feel like I'm in
the porno version of The Red Shoes.
Oh, my leg. Damn that hurts.
Oh God, that hurt!
Hey, honey.
Hey, Jesus Christ!
No, no, it's me!
I know it's you!
Get outta here!
Why, love? How'd you know it was me?
It's dark in here.
- Oh God, 'cause nobody else...
- What?
- No!
- Get... What?
Shut up!
- Rick!
- Shut up!
What?
Rick, get out!
No, stop it!
Stop it! Don't!
Aah!
- Hello.
- Yeah.
- No.
- Yeah.
What jail?
What did they
arrest you for?
All right.
I'll be right over.
- What's wrong?
- Zach's been arrested.
- For what?
- Cockfighting.
I never had the privilege...
of meeting Leon Sparks.
Or Sparky,
as he was affectionately known
throughout the film community.
But his reputation
for kindness,
friendship,
creating excellence...
was legend.
Alex. Hello, Zach.
You changed
your telephone number.
Look. I wanna talk to you,
for Christ's sake.
- Could we have dinner? Alex.
- No.
I'm in trouble.
I thought...
- Could we just maybe go someplace and talk?
- No.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Sorry it wasn't nice
seeing you again, Zach.
- You ready?
- Anytime you are.
If you feel like it,
come by for dinner tonight.
8:00. Bye, Jake.
Bye.
- Hello, Danny.
- Good evening, Mr. Hutton.
- You're looking well.
- Thank you.
- They are in the living room.
- "They"?
We thought we'd drive
through Arizona, New Mexico.
See that part of the country,
and then...
- Hello.
- Zach.
Zach, this is Rebecca Simms.
Zachary Hutton.
- Rebecca.
- How do you do?
I'd do a lot better
if I had a drink. Danny?
- Banzai Sunset.
- It pays to have roots.
- You remember Mama.
- Sure do.
Hi, Marge, Harry.
Hello, Zachary.
Who gave you the black eye?
Why? Do you want
to congratulate him personally?
No. A telegram will do it.
She hasn't lost her twinkle.
So, Becky, what?
Are you Greg's main squeeze?
- "Squeeze"?
- Yes. Contemporary nomenclature, right, Greg?
I've heard the expression.
Never used it.
Oh. Well, neither have I.
It was my first time.
So how come, uh...
I thought you were in school.
- Summer vacation.
- Oh, of course.
- How old are you now? Nineteen?
- Twenty.
Oh. It goes by
so bloody fast.
Are you going to Brown?
No, I quit Brown.
I'm going to Juilliard.
Julliard.
Well, how about...
That's what I want.
Bless you.
Greg is studying
piano and composition.
I'll be damned. Mmm.
I didn't know you were
that interested in music.
Probably because
you never thought to ask.
- That's not fair.
- But accurate.
Fair doesn't count? Come on. Greg, you were
only interested in rock, like any kid your age.
He never gave me a clue. He never
went near a piano. You know that.
You want accurate? You certainly
never took the time to tell me.
I hate to use the argument,
but I was just a kid, Zach.
- That's a kid's argument, Greg.
- Dinner is served.
Let's see if we can get
through the salad course...
without a 15-yard penalty, hmm?
Zach would rather play in a jazz band
than write the great American novel.
One does what one must.
But you've already written
one of the great American novels.
Hang Time
is almost as great.
If you play the piano as well as you
write, you're one hell of a musician.
Confidentially, these days I'm a lot
better piano player than a writer.
Uh-huh.
I was only 15, and I saw
The Devil May Care six times.
- No, really?
- Rebecca's a drama major at Brown.
She just wrote and directed
her first play.
- Terrific.
- No, it wasn't.
But hopefully one profits
by one's mistakes.
Hopefully.
Did you? You must
have made some mistakes.
A few.
- For instance?
- Coming here for dinner.
- I was being serious.
- So was Zach.
What were you saying
about being fair, Zach?
- I'm sorry, Becky.
- It's okay.
- Do me a favor, Zach?
- Name it, Becky.
Don't call me Becky.
I fucking hate it.
- I'm truly sorry, Rebecca. It
fucking won't happen again. - Mm-hmm.
Either make more trips
or get me a bigger glass.
Yes, sir.
Oh, hold it.
- What is this?
- Brandy.
Brandy's good too.
Look, Marge. I know in the past
we've had our share of disagreements...
Oh, sorry. Almost sat on Harry.
Can I get you something?
A gun.
I'll see what I can do.
For what it's worth,
I didn't expect it to be
this kind of an evening.
I've had worse.
The day we broke up was worse.
Not much worse, but...
I don't think Greg has
quite forgiven you...
Greg... has really grown up
to be quite a young pain in the ass.
Understandable when you consider that,
for about five years,
you were his only male
pain-in-the-ass role model.
How is Greg
where I'm not concerned?
Mmm. A little pompous.
Sometimes arrogant.
Mostly loving and pleasant
and talented.
How talented?
Greg, why don't you play
something for us?
Yes, do that.
Okay.
What'll it be, Zach?
How about a little
Buddy Holly?
How about a little Chopin?
How about a little...
Cole Porter?
Either I'm drunker than I thought,
or your son's better than I am.
You're sweet.
And you're drunk.
Me too.
I know I've had
too much to drink...
because I'm feeling
sorry for you tonight, Zach.
Me too!
I may regret this,
but how can I help?
How can you...
I don't know.
I thought a lot about you.
And then when I heard about Sparky,
I just felt I...
had to talk to you,
to see you.
Hmm. Scared, huh?
Scared?
It scares me... getting older,
friends dying.
He knew he had
some terrible cancer.
Yeah, I think that's probably
why he threw Curt out.
Curt... I saw him
a couple weeks ago.
He'll never get over it.
He's...
Sparky probably thought
he was being noble.
Yeah, well,
he was being selfish.
You don't share
20 years with someone...
then find out you're gonna die
and not share that too.
Well, Zach, I think it's pretty easy
for us to stand here...
Well, it's easy
to stand here in judgment...
when the guy we're talking
about, by his own admission,
was an egotistical,
unsympathetic,
- uncharitable, coldhearted, narcissistic...
- I know.
scoundrel.
Nobody's perfect.
Right.
I'm glad you feel that way,
because I was about to suggest...
that we give it another try.
"We"?
Are you completely
off your nut?
Don't beg, Alex.
It doesn't suit you.
- Oh, Zach...
- Oh, what?
There are a lot
of things about you...
that I would
highly recommend.
But you're never gonna
last with anyone.
You may settle down for a while,
but then something will happen.
You'll get scared and start
to look for some... thing,
some... place.
Some young girl to save you.
You're on a merry-go-round, Zach.
And the brass ring
is just a brass ring.
It solves nothing.
I'm doomed?
You're Zach.
And you like merry-go-rounds.
Okay, troops.
Time to fold the tents.
Oh.
Barney, how about
one itty-bitty one for the road?
- You know what your problem is, Zach?
- Yep.
- Keys, Zach.
- Nope.
- You drink too much.
- Yep.
- Keys, Zach.
- You're probably an alcoholic.
- Yep.
- Keys!
But that's not my problem.
You know what my problem is?
I'm an addict.
- Drugs?
- Nope. Merry-go-rounds.
I am not gonna
let you drive.
- You wanna go home with me, Zach?
- Yep.
- Let's go.
- Can't.
- Why not?
- I'm just a kid.
- You're sweet.
- That too.
Give me a call
if you change your mind.
I will give you a call
even if I don't change my mind, okay?
Okay.
- Good night, Barney.
- Sleep tight, sweetheart.
Good night, Miss Jones.
Oh, shit.
You drank me
out of tequila.
It was a dirty job,
but somebody had to do it.
- Here.
- Thank you, Barney.
- Hello?
- Alex?
- Zach?
- I think so.
Oh, Zach, do you know
what time it is?
Just a minute.
Alex wants to know what time it is.
Shh! Five after 2:00.
It's five after 2:00.
Besides being drunk,
what else is wrong?
I forgot to ask you
something very important.
Yes?
What the hell was it?
- Oh, Zach, come on...
- No, no, no, no. I re... I remember.
Um, Alex,
are you presently
involved with anyone?
Yes.
- Yes?
- Yes.
Who?
His name is Jonas Mallard.
Sounds like a duck.
- Zach...
- Why wasn't he there tonight?
Because he's in New York
on business.
Is it serious?
Yes.
Gonna get married?
We've talked about it.
I don't know whether you know it,
but it's bad luck to marry a duck.
Good night, Zach.
Unless you're a duck.
Even then, it's no guarantee
it's gonna last.
- Am I right? Are ducks monogamous?
- No. Swans are.
This guy's a duck.
That was Alex.
So I gathered.
Hey, Barney,
how about another one?
- You know, of course, we're breaking the law.
- What "we"?
I got a mouse in my pocket.
"We."
One thing's sure...
Mice are not monogamous.
- For sure.
- If they were, they'd be "monogomice."
- Yeah. I'll call a cab.
- Okay.
I-I don't go
to hotels anymore.
I'm on their shit list.
So if your guest room is still occupied,
I'll just curl up
on the bar right here.
Okay, but no throwing up
in the fish tank.
I cross my heart.
- Let's go.
- Barney?
- What?
- Carry me.
Oh, shit.
Oh, I'm blind!
- I can't see!
- All right, all right.
How did you do...
What is that?
- It's a B-12.
- Do I need it?
Did Custer need
a bulletproof vest?
Barney...
All right.
Easy. Easy.
Okay, okay! God!
- Jeez!
- Okay.
- I gotta pee.
- Huh? Easy, easy. All right.
All right.
Take it easy.
Why did you wrap yourself
in toilet paper?
'Cause I was cold.
I'm in a lot of trouble, Doctor.
Frankly,
I don't have the strength...
or the courage to go on like this,
and even if I did, I wouldn't want to.
Every day, I get
a little more depressed.
I get a little more desperate.
I feel like I'm worse off
than when I first started with you.
When you first started
with me, you were a mess.
I'm still a mess.
I haven't changed.
Don't you know by now that changing one's
basic character is next to impossible?
No. I don't know that.
Jesus, if I thought I couldn't change, I
wouldn't come to see you in the first place.
- I didn't say you couldn't.
- You just said it was impossible!
- I said it was next to impossible.
- Well, shit, Doctor.
"Next to" isn't
that far removed.
If it were,
there'd be no analysts.
Not an entirely
unhappy prospect, Doctor.
Did I ever tell you the story
about the frog and the scorpion?
No.
A scorpion who couldn't swim
asked the frog...
to carry him across
the river on his back.
The frog said,
"Do you think I'm crazy?
Halfway across the river,
you'll sting me and I'll drown."
"That's not reasonable,"
said the scorpion.
"If I sting you and you drown,
I'll drown too."
Frog thought about it,
said, "Climb on."
Halfway across the river,
the scorpion stung the frog.
And as the frog was drowning,
he said to the scorpion,
"But now you'll drown too."
The scorpion said,
"Yes, I know."
"That's not reasonable,"
said the frog.
And the scorpion replied,
"Reason has nothing
to do with it.
I'm a scorpion.
It's my character."
You know what I feel like
telling you?
Yes. You feel like telling me
to go fuck myself.
And you probably will,
because that's your character.
See you next Tuesday.
The man was fabulous.
Absolutely fabulous.
I took one look at him,
and I just knew...
- Hi.
- Hi. You can go right in.
- Thank you.
- I got to go now. Okay.
Can I help you?
Uh, yeah. I just happened
to be in the building,
and I was intrigued
by the company name.
- Is this the company name?
- Yes, it is.
"Form 3, world's foremost fitness
and beauty program."
Mm-hmm. One of our clients lost
11 pounds in three days...
- and was completely cured of his asthma.
- You take men?
Mm-hmm. Thirty-five percent
of our clientele are men.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
Uh, you know, the, um,
the girl who just came in...
Emily?
Emily, yes. She certainly
didn't look to be lacking...
in the fitness
or beauty department.
- You should have seen her six months ago.
- Really?
- The first herbal wrap is on the house.
- Look...
And if you give me your name, Molly
can set up your complimentary treatment.
- Wait.
- Hello, Zach.
- Molly.
- Isn't that special? You two know each other.
God!
- What are you doing?
- Working.
Molly's our
number-one therapist.
Terrific.
How've you been?
Angry.
- Molly, this is silly.
- What's that?
I don't need a complimentary
herbal wrap and electro-stimulation.
- Okay.
- I just...
- I happened to be in the building.
- But it's not silly, Zach.
- It's what I do now.
- I didn't mean...
I mean, it's how
I make my living.
You know, I could've sued
your ass off, Zach.
But instead I decided to get a job. You
may not approve, but it pays the rent.
- I approve, okay?
- If you think it's so silly, what are you doing here?
- I guess I'm getting a complimentary herbal wrap.
- But if it's so silly...
It's not, okay?
Wrap me.
The silly little pads
I've attached to your problem areas...
will make
your muscles contract.
The more I increase
the current,
- the more your muscles will contract.
- Molly...
For the first silly treatment,
it's not advisable to exceed plus-three.
God, I wish I didn't
hate you so much, Zach.
- M-Molly?
- After ten silly treatments,
you should be able
to handle plus-seven.
M-Mo-Mo-Mo...
Why'd you have to act
like such a dick?
Anything above plus-seven...
could be dangerous.
Molly! Molly!
Give me that!
Go fuck yourself!
- How much?
- Two and a quarter.
Hey!
All you got to do is drive down
Sunset, look at the billboard.
She's representing
something called Shape.
Yeah, it's a magazine.
We represent it as well.
You will not believe
this woman.
Yeah, well, you know,
that magazine is throwing...
a big party tonight
at the Century Plaza.
- You probably got an invitation.
- You think so?
- Yeah.
- Oh, God!
- You all right?
- Maybe I should have something to eat.
- Coffee?
- No, that's bad. l... Okay.
- Goddamn it!
- What's the matter?
I can never tie
these fucking ties.
Oh, God.
Stop complaining.
How many times a year
do you have to put on your tux?
- You know something, Bern?
- Yeah.
One of us is wearing
the wrong clothes.
Which one?
The Shape
black-tie party...
is at the Century Plaza tonight.
- Uh-huh.
- The Share costume ball...
is at the Century Plaza
next Friday night.
Nice costume.
Is the Shape party
in here?
- Aladdin?
- That's what he told me.
Bern, he's gonna kill me.
Bernice, it is not funny.
Okay.
Get me the fuck
out of here.
Jake! Jake!
- You told me it was a costume party!
- Where did you get...
Bernice, stop it.
- The lamp...
- Look at the shoes!
I'm sorry.
Zach, I'm really sorry.
I tried to call you
several times.
- Jake.
- Howard. How are you?
Howard, this is Zach Hutton.
Zach, this is Howard Simon.
He's your host.
Howdy, Howard.
I told Zach that it was
a costume party.
- I tried to call you.
- You're fired.
Cheer up.
Inside of about five minutes,
I drank 14 glasses of champagne.
By the shank of the evening,
I was completely shit-faced.
Steamboat coming through. Excuse me.
And fearless.
How do you do.
My name is Zachary Hutton,
and my wish is to fuck you.
I'm in deep therapy.
I could probably use,
you know, psychoanalysis.
That girl looks like
a psychoanalyst.
- So what's the answer?
- What's the question?
Can a man change
his character...
- even if a scorpion can't?
- Hmm.
Good question.
What's the answer?
The answer is yes, providing
you know what your problem is.
I know what my problem is,
and I can't change it.
- Have you tried?
- No.
- Don't you want to?
- To be honest, I haven't given it much thought.
- Do you know why you don't want to?
- I haven't the foggiest.
Because you don't know
what the alternative is.
- Oh, I see.
- I know my alternative.
No more young,
healthy bodies...
with beautiful,
empty heads.
My salvation is a handsome,
experienced, healthy
middle-aged woman...
who's been married at least once,
and who is a great deal smarter than I.
- How's Alex?
- I was just about to call her.
Hey, Barney, do you have...
Oh, yeah.
Thank you.
- Hello?
- Hello, Greg?
- Who is this?
- This is your stepfather. May I speak to Alex?
Uh, no, she's gone
for the weekend.
- Where?
- She asked me not to give out that information, Zach.
Well, you're a fine
young lad, aren't you?
Please tell her I called.
Sure.
I wish he'd stay
the hell out of her life.
Hi, Marge. Can I come in?
Hi, Marge. I'm sorry to bother you,
but could we just talk for a minute?
Sorry. I didn't see the suitcase here.
Are you going someplace?
- Yes.
- Where?
- Away.
- Away where?
Away where
you can't find me.
Aah! Harry...
Sorry about that.
Are you gonna see Alex?
What is it
you exactly want, Zach?
Marge, I need to talk to your daughter.
It's very important.
Would you just please
tell me where she is?
- No.
- Why won't you tell me?
Because if you knew where she was,
you'd screw up her life,
and then I'd have to
kill you.
Oh, well,
that makes sense.
Do you think I could have a drink?
I'm a little parched.
- I'll get you some tap water.
- That's fine. That would be great.
Oh. Marge, thank you.
Cheers.
It's good. Clear too.
Would you like a little...
Look, Marge, um,
I realize you and I over the years
haven't exactly hit it off,
and you have just cause
to really hate me.
But I don't know why...
I just feel that...
somehow if you'd look
deep within yourself,
you might find that you have
some good feelings about me.
- Well, Marge, I just think that...
- Harry.
- It's time now to bury the hatchet, you know?
- Harry.
You left that door open. If you let that
dog run away, I'll rip your beard off!
- Marge, I tripped. l...
- Harry?
Harry!
Harry? Harry!
Here, Harry!
Harr... Harr...
Holy Jesus.
Harry. Harry.
Harry? Come on, Harry.
Snap out of it.
- Oh, God!
- Nice Harry.
Come on, Harry!
Harry? Harry?
- Harry?
- Marge, why don't you look out back?
- I'll-I'll go out front.
- Harry!
- Harry! Harry!
- Harry?
- Here, Harry!
- Harry?
- Here, Harry!
- Here, Harry!
Harry.
- You find him?
- No!
- Keep looking!
- Harry!
Harry!
Here, boy!
Sorry, Harry.
Stay.
Harry?
Hi, you've reached the Fennermans.
Leave a message when you hear the beep.
Jake, this is Zach. It's 2:00 in the morning.
I'm in Ventura County jail. Get me out.
The arresting officer
states that you were clocked...
at 134 miles an hour.
Anything to say
about that, Mr. Hutton?
I was in a hurry,
Your Honor.
Me too. Five hundred dollars
or 30 days.
Miss Alexander Hutton.
- What about her?
- I'm Zachary Hutton.
- Should that make a difference?
- She's expecting me. What's her room number?
- She's not in her room.
- Where is she?
She's in the arboretum.
Harry?
Would you mind...
Is this a bad time?
Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here...
to join
in holy matrimony...
Alexandra and Jonas.
If there is anyone here
who could show just cause...
why this couple
should not be married,
let them speak now...
or forever hold
their peace.
Uh...
Come on, Zach.
Alex, you don't have
to do this.
Yes, I do.
Papa always said...
if someone takes the trouble
to ruin your wedding,
the least you can do
is walk 'em to the car.
He sounds like a real
old-world gentleman.
Oh, you'd have loved each other.
You could compare livers.
You know, your mother
missed her calling.
If she'd drop a few pounds,
I might get her a match with Sugar Ray.
Can't say
as I really blame her.
- I always wondered what she saw in me.
- Probably Papa.
Could you get
Mr. Hutton's car, please?
- I guess I really screwed things up.
- You guess.
- You want to know why I came?
- No.
I feel like I'm drowning, and you're
the only one that can save me.
- I can't save you, Zach.
- You can't?
That's not fair.
I was counting on you.
You see, no matter
how bad I am or was or will be,
I keep thinking
you're gonna save me.
In spite of everything, you'll put your
arms around me and tell me it's all right,
and I'll be resurrected because
you love me and you've got the magic.
- No magic.
- Yeah, but what a dream, huh?
- It's a selfish dream.
- That, too,
but hey, these days I'm all I've got,
and that ain't much.
Zach, you know,
I'm glad I don't have the magic.
- How come?
- Because you'd count on it and never look for the truth.
In spite of how it seems,
I'm looking.
In the bottom
of a cocktail glass?
Good kill.
You know, Alex, I do love you
and I'm gonna make it.
Would it be too much
to ask you to wait until I do?
Yes.
- Because you don't think I can?
- Yes.
Yeah, and if I do, what a guy!
Just think what you'll be missing.
Can we get married now?
We have to talk.
I've never felt like this before.
I'm-I'm seriously unhappy.
This is not just
the bush-league blues.
We're talking major-league
depression here.
I can't sleep.
I take pills,
but they only last a couple hours...
and then I'm up at 4:00 in the morning,
pacing the fucking house...
or walking on the cold
fucking beach, you know?
I'm so miserable,
I want to fucking shoot myself.
But I can't
because I'm afraid to die.
How's that for fucked-up?
So what's the answer?
I forgot. You don't have answers.
You're not the burning bush.
You just give suggestions.
Well, I need help.
I'm in the fucking dumper.
Give me a suggestion,
because I know you've got one.
I can see it in those
beady little Freudian eyes.
If an alcoholic wants me to cure him,
you know what I say?
That's a question.
That's not a suggestion.
Okay. What do you say?
First, stop drinking.
I don't get it.
Go home and think about it.
That's my suggestion.
We interrupt our broadcast
to bring you an important announcement.
The weather service has just issued
an urgent tsunami wave warning...
due to a seismic disturbance
in the Pacific.
Waves could exceed heights
of 20 feet...
and may crest at any time.
All residents in the coastal area
are urged to be on the alert.
Just tryin'to find my way
Don't know my name
Living day to day
- Hi.
- Hi.
Just a little boy
who wants to have his way
I just can't keep still
And I'm
falling out of love
Falling out of love
Sometime it feels
Like I'm running
out of time
Sand slippin'
through my fingers
Like rivers
through my mind
God,
I rented this beach house because
I thought, if You're really there,
this is the best place
to get in touch with You.
I'm in pretty bad shape,
and I need some answers.
If an alcoholic wants me to cure him,
you know what I say?
First, stop drinking.
I got it!
Jake!
You won't believe it!
But there is a God!
And He's a gag writer!
What the...
What the...
Close the door,
goddamn it, Jake!
Bernice will never forgive Jake
for renting me his other beach house.
But anyway,
I figured it out, Barney.
You can't cure a problem
until you know...
what's causing the problem.
But before you can see
what's causing the problem,
you first have to
remove the problem.
You gotta give up the vices
to get to the virtues.
- I could've told you that.
- Yeah? Why didn't you?
You want it to take, you got to
figure it out for yourself.
Okay, wise guy,
what's my problem?
You're scared,
like the rest of us.
You drink too much.
You chase girls much too much...
and you don't use
your God-given talent anymore.
You've known that all along?
I'm a good bartender.
Now all I have to do is figure out
how to stop being scared.
While you're at it,
may I offer a suggestion?
Open up! I know you're
in there! I'm coming to get you!
The truth...
Was I research... or recreation?
You were ravishing.
I switched you
from tonic water to Slice.
- Think you can handle it? - Fine. Just
keep me away from honey-roasted almonds.
Excuse me.
- Congratulations, Mr. Hutton.
- Oh, you read my book?
No, but since you stopped drinking,
you're a much better kisser.
- Hello, Miss Jones.
- Hi, stranger.
- Need any help?
- No, I'll get her. I got her.
Ow. Ooh, God.
Doesn't this hurt you?
Rebecca, you look fetching.
- Merry Christmas, Greg.
- Merry Christmas.
- Marge!
- I'm really proud of you.
- You're kidding.
- Yes.
Hey, you guys.
You're not mad, are you?
- No, of course not.
- Congratulations, Zach.
Nice to see you both.
Watch out.
He's dangerous.
- Molly!
- Zach! I'd like you to meet Steven.
- Nice to meet you. How are you?
- How are you, Steven?
- I read your book. Mm-hmm.
- Yeah?
Great. Thank you.
- What do you do, Steven?
- I'm a fireman.
Nice move.
- Curt.
- How are ya?
I think you remember
this lady.
How could I forget?
She used to borrow my socks.
- Would you like another drink?
- Please.
- Good for you.
- Thanks. How's the duck?
Last time I heard, he was thinking of
moving to Washington and getting married.
- To you?
- No.
Still got cold feet?
Only where you're concerned.
I've stopped drinking.
I've written a best-seller.
In my book, two out of three
ain't bad.
No, but in my book, two out of three
just ain't good enough.
What would you do
if I told you...
that I've been celibate
for six months?
Cross my legs.
Alex, we were made
for each other.
And I'm gonna prove that to you.
One of these days,
you're gonna be wearing my socks again.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- It's the best thing you've ever written.
- Really?
Your book set me on fire.
Rebecca, I think there's something
you should know.
Yes, Zach?
In order for me to write
this book, I had to...
change.
- Oh, Zach.
- Yes, Rebecca?
You ever heard the story
of the frog and the scorpion?
KBLA now concludes its broadcast day.
- When are you gonna grow up?
- What are you talking about?
I've stopped drinking,
written a best-seller,
and refused to sleep with a beautiful,
lusty, aromatic young female.
In my book, that's pretty good
growing up.
Oh, I suppose so.
But you're in a monogamous
relationship now,
so take it off.
Okay, but you're not
being very patriotic.
Don't know why it seems
Like a long, long time
Since I've been
on the move, oh
I'm just trying to find
my way
Don't know my name
Living day to day
Just a little boy
who wants to have his way
I just can't keep still
And I'm
falling out of love
Falling out of love
Sometimes it feels
Like I'm runnin'
out of time
Sand slippin'
through my fingers
Like rivers through my mind
On the corner
Hangin' with the boys
I always will be
Falling out of love
Falling out of love
In and out of love
Out of love
Just foolin'around
Can't slow down
Shoulda listened to what
my daddy said
Just want to be cool
Another fool
I can't keep still
And I'm
feeling kind of blue
My eyes are red
But something keeps
telling me
That I know
just what's gonna become
Of this little boy
Inside this heart of mine
I keep on
Falling out of love
Falling out of love
Just another child
with a story to tell
I can't keep still
And I'm
falling out of love
Falling out of love
Just enough time
to live my life
I can't keep still
And I'm
falling out of love
Falling out of love