Skipped Parts (2000) Movie Script
[TYPEWRITER TYPING]
CHAINS
MY BABY'S GOT ME
LOCKED UP IN CHAINS
AND THEY AIN'T THE KIND
THAT YOU CAN SEE
WHOA-HO
THESE CHAINS OF LOVE
GOT A HOLD ON ME, YEAH
CHAINS
WELL, I CAN'T BREAK AWAY
FROM THESE CHAINS
CAN'T RUN AROUND
'CAUSE I'M NOT FREE
WHOA-HO
THESE CHAINS OF LOVE
WON'T LET ME BE, YEAH
AAAAH
NOW BELIEVE ME
WHEN I TELL YOU
I THINK YOU'RE FINE
I'D LIKE TO LOVE YOU
BUT, DARLING,
I'M IMPRISONED BY THESE
All: CHAINS
MY BABY'S GOT ME
LOCKED UP IN CHAINS
AND THEY AIN'T THE KIND
THAT YOU CAN SEE
WHOA-HO
THESE CHAINS OF LOVE
GOT A HOLD ON ME, YEAH
CHAINS...
[CARRIAGE RETURN RINGS]
[TYPING]
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
LIONS GATE FILMS
CALL ME SAM.
I AM A WRITER
OF LITERATURE.
I STARTED WRITING
THE DAY MY GRANDFATHER
SENT MY MOM AND ME
INTO EXILE,
A DAY WHEN MOSHUMAN BEINGS
WOULD WALLOW IN SELF PITY.
I CHOSE THIS MOMENTO HONOR MY CALLING.
SO THIS IS MY STORY,
AND UNLIKE OTHER WRITERS
OF LITERATURE
I WON'T SKIP THE GOOD PARTS.
SAMUEL.
DADDY, DON'PULL THE PLANTATION
MASTER ACT WITH SAM.
HE'S INNOCENT.
NOTHING YOU TOUCH
IS INNOCENT.
ONE MORE MISTAKE,
AND THE BOY GOES TO
THE CUSTER MILITARY ACADEMY.
ARE THOSE
IMPLICATIONS CLEAR?
OH, YES,
YOUR DADDYSHIP.
SAM, COME.
BRING THE CARDS.
Sam: CASPAR CLAIMED
WE WERE BEING EXILED
FOR OUR OWN GOOD.
WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP.
THE TRUTH IS,
HE WAS PLANNING
TO RUN FOR GOVERNOR,
AND THE THOUGHT OF LYDIA
ON THE LOOSE
SCARED THE WADDING
OUT OF HIM.
DO YOU KNOW WHY
I'M SENDING YOU AND
YOUR MOM TO WYOMING?
'CAUSE LYDIA
MESSED UP AGAIN?
YOU KNOW,
THERE COMES A TIME
WHEN YOU HAVE
TO SET ASIDE
ALL CHILDISH THINGS.
BUT--
DON'T BUT GRANDPA.
GO AHEAD.
THROW 'EM IN.
Sam: I HAD A GOOD MIND
TO GO TO WYOMING AND CROAK.
THEN HE'D REALLY BE SORRY.
GOOD BOY.
GOOD BOY.
SAM CALLAHAN
LAY CLOSE TO DEATH.
IN A CRUEL TWIST OF FATE,
GIVING HIM COMFORWAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL NURSE
HE HAD EVER SEEN.
I'M SORRY. HE'S
NOT GOING TO MAKE IT.
SAM. I'M SORRY THAT I
SHIPPED YOU AND YOUR MOM
OUT INTO THE WILDERNESS
WHEN YOU NEEDED TO BE
HOME MOST OF ALL.
COULD YOU FORGIVE ME
BEFORE YOU DIE, SAM?
Lydia: HOLD ON, SUGAR.
[BEEP BEEP BEEP]
I...CAN'T.
[BEEP BEEP]
[MONITOR FLATLINES]
SO WHAT DID YOU DO
TO HACK CASPAR OFF
SO MUCH?
NOT A THING.
NOT ONE IOTA
OF MISCONDUCT.
YOU TOLD ME
ABOUT THE CUBAN
AND THE STRIP SHOW
ON THE SAILBOAT.
NOW, IS THIS ONE SO BAD
THAT YOU CAN'T TELL ME
ABOUT IT?
JUST THINK WHAI'M LIABLE TO IMAGINE?
I'M AS INNOCENT AS SNOW.
Sam: WHEN HORACE GREELEY
SAID, "GO WEST, YOUNG MAN,"
I DON'T THINK THIS IS
WHAT HE HAD IN MIND.
LYDIA DROVE 2,000 MILES
WITH THE TOP DOWN.
SHE HAD NO CONCEPOF ALTITUDE OR TEMPERATURE
AND COULDN'T READ A MAP,
SO I NAVIGATED.
WE'D MADE AN OATH
THAT GRANDPA WOULD
NEVER SEPARATE US.
SO AS WE DROVE FURTHER
AND FURTHER FROM HOME,
IT FELT LIKE WE
WERE ORPHANS TOGETHER,
AND THE FIRST SOUTHERNERS
EVER LOST IN WYOMING.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
[BASEBALL TEAM CHATTER]
First Boy: ...PLAY.
Second Boy:
COME ON, JIMMY.
HEY, SISSY BOY.
THIS ONE'S
FOR YOU, HONEY.
Third Boy:
GET READY FOR THIS ONE.
WHOA!
Second Boy: HE'S NOGOING TO GET IT.
GO GET IT.
GO GET IT.
RUN! COME ON.
First Girl:
LOOK OUT!
HEY, WATCH IT!
[LAUGHTER]
SHARP MOVE,
PINHEAD.
[LAUGHTER]
[BELL RINGS]
P.A.: ATTENTION,
STUDENTS AND FAULTY.
THE PEP RALLY FOR FRIDAY'S
FOOTBALL GAME
WILL BE AFTER SECOND PERIOD.
AT 2 P.M. TODAY, WE WILL
CONDUCT OUR A-BOMB DRILL.
REMEMBER, STUDENTS,
DUCK AND COVER.
[P.A. STATIC]
HI.
I'M HOWARD STEBBINS.
SAM CALLAHAN.
OK, GANG.
OPEN HUCKLEBERRY FINN
TO PAGE 47
AND GO ON TO TWAIN'S
BRILLIANT USE
OF NEGRO DIALECT.
BRILLIANT, MY EYE.
NO ONE
TALKS LIKE THAT.
WELL, WHY DO YOU SUPPOSE
TWAIN WROTE IN DIALECIF NO ONE TALKS LIKE THAT?
HE WANTED HUCK
TO SEEM STUPID
AND JIM
EVEN STUPIDER.
I'VE HEARD SOUTHERN
ACCENTS ON TV,
AND NO ONE TALKS
LIKE THAT.
WELL, HUCK IS FROM MISSOURI,
WHICH ISN'T THE SOUTH.
HEH, WHOOP-DI-DO.
[LAUGHTER]
WE KNOW THAMARK TWAIN WAS ONE
OF THE GREAT PROPONENTS
OF EQUAL RIGHTS FOR ALL.
NOW, WE APPRECIATE THAT HERE
IN THE EQUALITY STATE.
WELL, YEAH,
BUT TWAIN HATED JEWS.
ARE YOU JEWISH?
NO.
WELL, HOW DO YOU KNOW
HE HATED JEWS?
WELL, I CAN READ.
HOW CAN YOU SAY THAWHEN YOU HATE NEGROES?
I DON'T HATE NEGROES.
BUT YOU'RE FROM THE SOUTH.
EVERYONE IN THE SOUTH
HATES NEGROES.
YOU CAN'T DENY IT.
[LAUGHTER]
WE CAN'T STAY HERE, MOM.
OUR RELATIONSHIP
IS BASED ON
MUTUAL RESPECT, SAM.
YOU MUST NEVER
FLING IN MY FACE
THE FACT THAI'M A MOTHER.
THESE KIDS
ARE NAZIS...LYDIA.
IT'S LIKE THE ENTIRE
SCHOOL WAS SPAWNED
BY THE MATING
OF FIRST COUSINS.
WELL, I BET THAT'S WHY
NONE OF THE MEN HERE
HAVE CHINS.
EVEN THE TEACHER'S
A FIRST DEGREE
IGNORAMUS.
THAT GOES.
I WILL NOT HAVE THE DEAD
PASSING FOR ART.
ONLY CASPAR WOULD PICK
A HOUSE THAT HAS THAT.
I MADE A DECISION
ABOUT THIS BANISHMENT DEAL.
SHOULD I BE TOLD?
THE WAY I CONDUCTED
OUR LIFE BACK IN CAROLINA
DIDN'T WORK.
I'LL SAY.
SO...
I'M CALLING A TIME-OUT.
NO MORE CONNECTIONS
FOR A WHILE.
AS OF THIS MOMENT,
I'M DECLARING MYSELF
AN EMOTIONAL CATATONIC.
WELL, HOW'S A CATATONIC
SUPPOSED TO RAISE A KID?
WE'LL NEGOTIATE
AN ARRANGEMENT.
NOW STAND UP STRAIGHT.
A GAL IS JUDGED
BY HER POSTURE.
WHY DO I HAVE TO GO?
BECAUSE OUR NEW
NEIGHBORS ARE SOUTHERN,
AND WHAT WOULD THEY
THINK IF WE DIDN'GO OUT OF OUR WAY TO
MAKE THEM FEEL AT HOME?
BUT THE KID'S A SQUIRREL.
GENTLEWOMEN
DO NOT COMPARE PEOPLE
TO ANIMALS, DEAR.
WHAT?
WELCOME WAGON.
HI, I'M
LAURABEL PIERCE,
AND THIS IS MY
DAUGHTER MAUREY,
AND WE'D LIKE
TO WELCOME YOU
TO GROVONT,
THE FRIENDLIESLITTLE TOWN
IN WYOMING.
HOW QUAINT.
LOOK, SAMMY.
IT'S THE WELCOME WAGON.
HI.
NOW WHAT HAVE WE HERE?
OH, THIS IS
A SURVIVAL KIT,
YOU KNOW,
FOR MOVING INTO
THE NEW HOUSE.
THIS IS FOR YOU.
CHICKEN POT PIE?
YEAH, THE GOOD KIND
WITH BOTTOM CRUST.
MAUREY'S DAD CAN'ABIDE POT PIES
WITHOUT GOOD
BOTTOM CRUST.
"QUICK MEALS
FOR THE HARRIED
HOUSEWIFE."
YES, AND EVERY RECIPE
STARTS WITH A CAN
OF CREAM OF MUSHROOM
SOUP.
WELL, FUCK ME SILLY.
DO I LOOK LIKE
A HOUSEWIFE TO YOU?
NO.
WELL, WE
JUST WANTED YOU
TO FEEL AT HOME
IN GROVONT.
OH, SAM AND I WON'BE HERE LONG ENOUGH
TO MINGLE
WITH THE NATIVES.
THERE SHE IS.
UH, DOT!
OH, KEEP YOUR PANTS
ZIPPED, JACK.
I'LL BE WITH YOU
WHEN I'M WITH YOU.
HER NAME IS DOT.
WELL, SHE SHOULD
SUE HER PARENTS.
WHAT KIND OF WOMAN
WOULD NAME A CHILD "DOT?"
SO YOU'RE
THE FOLKS RENTING
DOC WARDELL'S PLACE.
THE GUYS PAID ME
$1.00 APIECE TO FIND OUIF YOU'RE SINGLE.
TELL THE GUYS
I HAVE 5 HUSBANDS:
EACH ONE RICH,
MEAN, AND JEALOUS.
I'LL BE ROTATING THEM
THROUGH ON A WEEKLY BASIS.
THAT LINE WILL BE
ALL OVER THE VALLEY
BY BREAKFAST.
OH, JUST TELL 'EM
I OWN A RIFLE.
SO WHAT HAPPENED IN
THE SEVENTH GRADE TODAY?
YOU REALLY WANT TO HEAR?
IF I DON'T WANT TO HEAR,
CASPAR WILL SEND YOU
TO THE CUSTER
MILITARY ACADEMY,
AND WE WOULDN'WANT THAT, WOULD WE?
UH, IN SOCIAL STUDIES
MISS SHEETS TAUGHT US
HOW TO WRITE A CHECK.
WHY, YOU'VE BEEN WRITING
CHECKS SINCE YOU WERE 6.
YEAH.
AND, UH,
I THINK I'M IN LOVE
WITH MAUREY PIERCE.
THAT'S NICE.
HOW DO YOU KNOW
YOU'RE IN LOVE?
'CAUSE I
CAN'T STAND HER.
WELL, THAT'S
ALWAYS A GOOD SIGN.
SHE HATES MY GUTS.
CALLED ME PINHEAD.
SOUNDS LIKE LOVE TO ME.
YOU BETTER EAT THAT FAST.
THAT GRAVY'S
TURNING TO AXLE GREASE.
YOU KNOW WHY
I LIKE YOU MORE
THAN THE OTHER BOYS?
'CAUSE WE'RE THE ONLY
2 KIDS IN SEVENTH GRADE
WHO CAN READ?
NO, SILLY.
BECAUSE YOU'RE SO HANDSOME.
[RECORD SCRATCHES
THEN STARTS PLAYING]
AFTER YOU'VE GONE
AND LEFT ME CRYIN'
AFTER YOU'VE GONE
THERE'S NO DENYIN'
YOU'LL FEEL BLUE
YOU'LL FEEL SAD
YOU'LL MISS
THE SWEETEST GAL
YOU EVER HAD
[CLINK] WHAH!
YOU'RE LICKING
THE MIRROR.
I'M MAKING CONTACT.
WITH WHO?
MYSELF.
SAM...
YOU EVER HAD A STIFFY?
MOM.
I JUST REALIZED THAT--
IT'S BEEN YEARS SINCE
I SAW YOUR LITTLE WEENIE,
AND IT WAS SO CUTE
WHEN YOU WERE A BABY.
WE HAD THIS
BLACK SPECKLED BASIN
I USED TO WASH YOU IN,
AND YOU WOULD
ALWAYS PEE STRAIGHT UP.
MOM...
I HATE WHEN YOU TALK
ABOUT CUTE NAKED STUFF
I DID WHEN I WAS LITTLE.
HMPH.
UH, MOM, MOM,
MOM.
SSSS.
I DIDN'T LET MYSELF GO.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW WHEN
GULLIVER TRAVELED
TO THE LAND OF YAHOOS,
HE MUST HAVE COME HERE.
I THINK HE JUSINSULTED YOU, LANELL.
I DON'T CARE.
WHAT KIND OF
SHOW-OFF STUDIES
ON THE BUS ANYWAYS?
THIS ISN'A SCHOOLBOOK.
THIS IS
LITERATURE.
Twins: LITTER-TOUR,
LITTER-TOUR.
WHAT LITERATURE?
UH, "IT'S A CLASSIC
COMING OF AGE STORY
"PORTRAYING ONE WOMAN'S
POIGNANT EXPERIENCES:
LIFE, LOVE, AND SEX."
WHAT DO YOU
KNOW ABOUT SEX?
WELL, AFTER
I FINISH THIS BOOK
I'LL KNOW
A LOT MORE THAN YOU.
NOT THAT KNOWING MORE
ABOUT SEX THAN YOU DO
IS A CHALLENGE.
[TWINS LAUGH]
AMEN.
HAVE YOU BEEN SAVED?
FROM WHAT?
YOU'LL GO TO HELL
UNLESS YOU FINISH
EVERY BIT OF THAT.
IF A PERSON GOES TO HELL
FOR NOT FINISHING
A TUNA CROQUETTE,
I THINK
I LOST MY SALVATION
A LONG TIME AGO.
YOU COMING?
YEAH. SURE.
HOW'S IT GOING, SAM?
COULDN'T BE BETTER, SIR.
I DON'T KNOW
IF YOU'VE HEARD,
BUT WE'RE MIGHTY PROUD
OF OUR FOOTBALL TEAM
HERE AT GROVONT HIGH.
HOW'D YOU
LIKE TO SIGN UP?
WELL, I'D LIKE TO, SIR,
BUT MY MOM NEEDS ME AT HOME.
SHE HASN'T ADJUSTED
TO THE LACK OF HUMIDITY YET.
SEE, THE THING IS,
IT TAKES 22 PLAYERS
TO HOLD A PRACTICE,
AND I'VE ONLY GOT 21,
AND HALF OF THEM STILL
SUCK THEIR MAMA'S TIAT NIGHT.
WELL, I NO LONGER NURSE,
SIR.
LET ME EXPLAIN TO YOU
THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN AN "A"
ME COMING OUT FOR FOOTBALL?
NOW, THAT'S
THE OLD SCHOOL SPIRIT.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
JUMP TO THE LEFT.
JUMP TO THE RIGHT.
SIT DOWN. STAND UP.
FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT.
YEAH, WHOO!
ALL RIGHT, BOYS.
LET'S HAVE A LITTLE GAME
OF SMEAR THE QUEER
WITH THE BALL, HERE.
HEY, SAMMY. WHY
DON'T YOU TELL US ALL
HOW YOUR
MAMA'S HOOTERS FEEL?
ABOUT THE SAME
AS YOUR SISTER'S.
I AIN'T GOT A SISTER,
STUPID.
7-43, HUT, HUT.
All: UHH!
Player: DOTHAN
SURE GOT HIM GOOD.
Dothan:
YOU THINK HE'S HURT?
Stebbins:
NO, HE'S JUSPLAYING POSSUM.
SISSY BOY.
COME ON, GET UP.
[GROANS]
Stebbins:
COME ON, SAM. GET UP.
GET UP!
TV: COVERAGE CONTINUES
ON THE ASSASSINATION
OF PRESIDENJOHN F. KENNEDY.
AT 12:35
CENTRAL STANDARD TIME,
PRESIDENT KENNEDY
WAS SHOAS HIS MOTORCADE PASSED
THROUGH DOWNTOWN DALLAS.
GOVERNOR CONNALLY
WAS ALSO SHOT.
THOUSANDS OF MOURNERS
HAVE GATHERED
AT PARKLAND
MEMORIAL HOSPITAL
TO MOURN
THE PASSING OF OUR--
[THUNDER]
[CRYING]
PA-POP, POP.
[LAUGHTER]
THEY KILLED
PRESIDENT KENNEDY.
ARE YOU SURE?
IT'S ON THE NEWS.
WELL, WHO KILLED HIM?
TEXANS.
Y'ALL CRYIN'
OVER THE NIGGER LOVER?
SHUT UP, DOTHAN.
HEY, YOU KNOW
WHAT ALL THE KIDS
ARE GETTING FOR
CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR?
A JACK-IN-THE-BOX.
I NEVER KNEW YOU CARED.
OW.
[DOTHAN LAUGHS]
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING, BOY!
HUH, HUH?
TRYING TO TAKE
UP FOR YOUR
GIRLFRIEND?!
HUH?!
WHAT THE HELL
IS YOUR PROBLEM,
BOY?!
Maurey:
STOP IT.
HELL, THEY
STARTED IT, COACH.
Stebbins:
LAY OFF.
THAT LITTLE
BASTARD'S LIBEL
TO HURT SOMEBODY.
THE PRESIDENT IS DEAD,
AND HE WAS CELEBRATING.
Girl: LET'S
GET OUT OF HERE.
Maurey: LET'S
GET OUT OF HERE.
Sam: WHERE?
WE CAN WATCH THE NEWS
AT MY HOUSE.
YOU THINK
THEY'LL MISS US?
ALL THE RULES
ARE OFF TODAY, SAM.
NOTHING WE DO MATTERS.
Sam: I GUESS IT ALL DEPENDS
ON YOUR PERSPECTIVE.
AS THE REST OF THE COUNTRY
WAS MOURNING
THEIR GREAT LOSS,
THINGS WERE ACTUALLY
STARTING TO LOOK UP FOR ME.
WHAT DO YOU BEMOM WILL HAVE HEARD
ABOUT THE ASSASSINATION,
BUT IT'S HAD NO EFFECON HER AT ALL?
SHE'LL BE BAKING
COOKIES AND WAXING
THE KITCHEN FLOOR.
MY MOM'S NEVER BAKED
A COOKIE IN HER LIFE.
COME ON.
OH, YOU'RE HOME
EARLY.
THEY LET US OUT ON ACCOUNOF THE ASSASSINATION.
ISN'T IT A SHAME
ABOUT MR. KENNEDY?
I WONDER IF THEY'LL
LET PETEY OUT EARLY, TOO,
THIS AFTERNOON?
WELL, I'LL JUSFINISH THESE UP,
AND THEN I'LL MAKE US
SOME HOT COCOA.
THIS ISN'T A TIME
FOR HOT COCOA, MOM.
IT'S ALWAYS
A TIME FOR COCOA.
THE WHOLE WORLD'S GONE STRAIGHTO HELL IN A HANDBASKET.
I HAD TO COME DOWN HERE
BECAUSE MY TELEVISION
IS OUT OF ORDER.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
I DON'T HAVE A TV.
OH, IT'S BEEN YEARS
SINCE I MET ANYONE
WHO DIDN'OWN A TELEVISION.
YOU MUST NOT MEEMANY INDIANS.
YOU'RE AN INDIAN?
BLACKFEET.
MY DADDY
CAN'T STAND INDIANS.
Announcer: OUR COUNTRY
CONTINUES TO MOURN...
Maurey: I WISH
MY DAD WAS HERE.
Sam: WHERE IS HE?
WE HAVE A HORSE RANCH
10 MILES UP IN THE MOUNTAINS,
AND HE HAS TO FEED EVERY DAY
SO HE STAYS OUT THERE
MOST OF THE WINTER.
WHAT'S YOUR DAD DO?
I DON'T HAVE A FATHER.
DID HE DIE?
LYDIA WON'T TELL ME
ANYTHING ABOUT HIM.
WHEN SHE'S DRUNK
SHE CLAIMS VIRGIN BIRTH,
LIKE MARY AND JESUS.
I'D LIKE TO SEE
MY MOM DRUNK.
IT'S NOT THAT NEAT.
SHE HAS THESE PICTURES
OF 5 GUYS
IN OLD FOOTBALL UNIFORMS
IN HER PANTY BOX.
HER PANTY BOX?
I KIND OF FIGURE ONE OF THEM
MIGHT BE MY DAD.
WHAT WERE YOU DOING
IN YOUR MOTHER'S PANTY BOX?
ONE OF THE GUYS IS A NEGRO.
MOM! I'M HOME!
HEY! WE'RE WATCHING THAT!
THIS STINKS.
[WHINEY] MOM!
MAUREY WON'T LET ME
WATCH ROCKY.
YOU KNOW
HE WATCHES ROCKY
EVERY AFTERNOON.
WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU?
LOOK, BRAT.
THE PRESIDENT OF OUR COUNTRY
IS DEAD.
SOME THINGS
ARE MORE IMPORTANTHAN ROCKY
THE FLYING SQUIRREL!
DADDY!
HEY.
HOW'S MY FAVORITE GIRL?
UH...HI.
HI.
LYDIA, THERE'S AN INDIAN
IN OUR KITCHEN.
OH, THAT'S HANK.
HE'S BLACKFOOT--
OR FEET,
I GET IT MIXED UP.
HANK KNOWS
LOADS OF NIFTY STUFF
ABOUT THE FOREST.
YOU WENINTO THE FOREST?
OH, IT WAS A HOOT, SAM.
I TRIED SOMETHING NEW.
HOW ABOUT THAT?
HOW ABOUT THAT.
WELL, YOU DIDN'EXPECT ME
TO STAY ON THIS COUCH
FOREVER, DID YOU?
SO WHAT'S HANK
DOING IN OUR KITCHEN?
HE'S FIXING SUPPER.
SOME STAPLE HE SAID GOT HIS
TRIBE THROUGH HARD WINTERS.
GOD, CASPAR'S
GONNA PASS A BRICK.
OH, ISN'T IT WONDERFUL?
HANK, HONEY,
WHAT'S THAT INDIAN THING
YOU'RE MAKING?
MACARONI AND CHEESE.
[ROARS]
AAH!
WELCOME WAGON.
EWW!
JEEZ.
YUCK.
EXPLAIN THIS.
SAMMY?
LYDIA, I THINK
THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME.
I MUST BE SICK
OR SOMETHING.
YOU BLEW YOUR NOSE
IN YOUR SOCK?
THIS DIDN'T COME
FROM MY NOSE.
YOU MASTURBATED?
I WOKE UP WITH THIS STUFF
ALL OVER ME.
WERE YOU DREAMING
RIGHT BEFORE YOU WOKE UP?
[PATS COUCH]
WAS THERE A GIRL
IN YOUR DREAM?
DID YOU RECOGNIZE HER?
SHE KISSED ME,
AND I FELT FUNNY.
YOU HAD A WET DREAM,
HONEY BUNNY.
BOYS HAVE 'EM
ALL THE TIME.
WELL, DO SOMETHING
WITH IT.
YOU KNOW,
THINGS LIKE THIS
DON'T HAPPEN TO
BOYS WITH FATHERS.
SO CRUCIFY ME.
EVERY KID IN WYOMING PROBABLY
KNOWS WHAT A WET DREAM IS,
AND THEY'RE LAUGHING AT ME
RIGHT NOW,
CALLING ME A SQUIRREL.
POOR SAMMY.
YOU JUST MOVED A STEP CLOSER
TO BEING A GROWN-UP.
Sam: I COULDN'T WAIT TO TELL
MAUREY WHAT I'D LEARNED.
I EXPLAINED
THE WHOLE PROCESS TO HER,
EXCEPT THE PARWHERE HER MOM
TRIGGERED THE MESS
ON MY BELLY.
HOW MUCH GOO
CAME OUT?
A CUP? A QUART?
NOT A QUART.
HOW MUCH, THEN?
WELL, IT WAS ALL
SPREAD OUT.
ABOUT A THIRD-CUP.
I'LL LOSE MY VIRGINITY
SOME DAY, AND WHEN I DO,
I DON'T WANTO COME OFF IGNORANT.
I WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S
GOING ON EVERY SECOND.
[HUMMING]
DON'T YOU KIDS KNOW
THAT COFFEE WILL
STUNT YOUR GROWTH?
DOT, DO YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND
HAVE SEX?
WHY, MAUREY PIERCE,
I SHOULD WASH YOUR MOUTH
OUT WITH SOAP.
I DIDN'T SAY
A DIRTY WORD.
YOU DID SO.
SEX IS A DIRTY WORD?
WE DON'T TALK ABOUTHAT WORD
IN MIXED-GENDER COMPANY.
I'LL BE OUTSIDE.
WHILE MAUREY WAS GETTING
THE LOW-DOWN FROM DOT,
I TURNED TO MY DREAM GIRL.
I HAD SO MANY QUESTIONS.
I NEEDED SOMEONE
I COULD TALK TO,
SOMEONE
WHO WOULD BE WILLING
TO EXPLORE
THE SECRETS OF LOVE.
I NEEDED A PROFESSIONAL.
MY MOM WON'T BE HOME
FOR ANOTHER 20 MINUTES.
DO YOU WANT TO DO ME AGAIN?
I DON'T KNOW.
THAT'LL BE,
WHAT, 5 TIMES
SINCE SCHOOL LET OUTHIS AFTERNOON?
SAM, IT'S NOT ROMANTIC
TO KEEP SCORE.
SO WHAT'D SHE SAY?
SHE SAID SEX IS A WONDERFUL
AND SPECIAL EXPERIENCE
BUT CAN ONLY BE DONE RIGHWHEN 2 PEOPLE ARE IN LOVE.
GROWN-UPS ARE SO
FULL OF BULL.
I SEEN YOU
HALF THE NIGHT
Man: HEY, DELORES, PUT IIN THE CORNER POCKET.
GERONIMO!
Delores: WHOO!
YIPPEE!
Man: SHE DID IT!
THAT MEANS I GETO GO AGAIN, RIGHT?
DADDY WANTS TO RUN
FOR GOVERNOR OR SOMETHING
AND HE THINKS HAVIN'
AN ILLEGITIMATE GRANDSON
UNDERFOOWOULD CAUSE EMBARRASSMENT.
THAT'S WHY SAM AND I
HAVE BEEN BANISHED
TO THE HINTERLANDS.
I WAS GIVEN A CHOICE
BETWEEN SAM GOES
OR WE BOTH GO.
WE GOT POLITICIANS
IN MY FAMILY, TOO.
THEY'RE WORSE THAN COWDOGS.
[COYOTE HOWLS]
NOW, THIS DOESN'T MEAN
THAT WE'RE GOIN' STEADY.
YEAH.
I MEAN, WE'RE NOT EVEN DATIN'.
YOU GOT THAT?
THIS IS STRICTLY--
STRICTLY A ONE-NIGHT STAND.
NO COMMITMENTS.
I DON'T WANT TO FEEL.
GOT THAT?
[HONK]
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
[RING]
[RING]
[RING]
HELLO.
IDLE HANDS ARE
THE DEVIL'S PLAYGROUND.
GRANDPA?
EXCELLENT!
NOW HAND THE PHONE
TO YOUR MOTHER.
LYDIA?
[KNOCKS]
JEEZ, LYDIA.
GRANDPA?
LYDIA ISN'T HERE RIGHT NOW.
WELL, WHERE IS SHE?
SHE WENT FOR A JOB INTERVIEW
AT THE MORMON CHURCH.
SECRETARY OR SOMETHING.
YOUR MOTHER WILL NEVER
WORK A DAY IN HER LIFE.
LYDIA'S TURNED OVER
A NEW LEAF.
SHE'S--MUST BE THE FRESH AIR
OR SOMETHING.
SHE'S CHANGED.
SHE'S RESPONSIBLE NOW.
I CONTROL THE CASH FLOW.
I RESPECT THAT, SIR.
TELL HER
SHE DUMPS THE INDIAN
OR FACES THE WRATH
OF ALMIGHTY GOD.
THAT WOULD BE YOU?
[CLICK]
[DIAL TONE]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
[KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK]
HI, SAM.
YOUR MOM
AND 8 OTHER DRUNKS
RENTED A HOTEL ROOM
IN DUBOIS
AFTER THE BARS CLOSED
LAST NIGHT.
THEY'RE HAVING A PARTY.
MY COUSIN DELORES IS THERE.
DELORES' HUSBAND
TOLD HER MOM
IN HOPES OF GETTING DELORES
DRAGGED OUT,
BUT IT DIDN'T WORK.
WELL, I'M MAKING COFFEE.
YOU WANT SOME?
I WANT TO EXPLAIN THE RULES
BEFORE WE DO THIS.
DO WHAT?
MAKE SEX.
WHY ELSE WOULD I BE HERE?
WE'RE GONNA
PERFORM SEX NOW?
AFTER COFFEE.
IT'S TIME YOU AND I
FIND OUWHAT THE BIG DEAL IS
WITH THIS SEX THING.
DO YOU THINK LYDIA
MIGHT COME HOME TODAY?
DOUBTFUL.
YOU THINK YOU CAN
GET A STIFFY?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
THEY SORT OF COME AND GO
ON THEIR OWN.
I HAVEN'T LEARNED
HOW TO CONTROL THEM YET.
MAYBE IT'LL HAPPEN
NATURALLY.
WELL, I HEARD SOMETHING ABOUPUTTIN' IT IN THE GIRL'S MOUTH.
UGH.
I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING THAMIGHT MAKE ME THROW UP.
WE'RE BOTH VIRGINS.
I NEVER SAID I WAS A VIRGIN.
WE'RE BOTH VIRGINS.
BUT SOMEDAY WE'RE GONNA
FIND OURSELVES
DOING IT FOR REAL.
SO TODAY'S SEX ISN'T REAL?
WE'RE JUST FRIENDS
HELPING EACH OTHER
LEARN A NEW SKILL.
THIS IS PRACTICE.
SO WILL WE STILL BE
VIRGINS AFTERWARDS?
THAT'S PART OF WHAWE'RE GONNA LEARN,
WHERE THE LINE
BETWEEN VIRGINITY
AND NON-VIRGINITY IS.
HERE'S RULE NUMBER ONE:
YOU BETTER NOT SQUIRT.
AND NO KISSING.
KISSING IS MUSHY
EMOTIONAL STUFF.
WE CAN'T DO THIS IF
YOU'RE GOING TO GET MUSHY.
I PROMISE. NO MUSH.
I WISH WE DIDN'HAVE TO BE NAKED.
THAT'S A BIG PAROF DOING IT, I'M SURE.
GO ON.
YOU FIRST.
JEEZ, LOUISE.
YOUR TURN.
WELL, THIS IS AS FAR
AS I'VE DREAMED.
I'M READY TO QUIT.
SAM.
I THOUGHT YOU'D BE BIGGER.
WELL, IT SWELLS UP
WHEN IT GETS STIFF.
A HORSE'S WOODIE
IS AS BIG AS ITS LEG.
I DON'T THINK
IT'S FAIR
TO COMPARE PEOPLE
TO HORSES.
THIS DOESN'T LOOK POSSIBLE.
HORSES DO IT WITH THE STALLION
STANDING UP BEHIND THE MARE.
FORGET HORSES, OK?
YOU GOT A BETTER IDEA?
MAYBE IF I STAND
ON A CHAIR.
WELL, MY BOOKS
DON'T SAY ANYTHING
ABOUT THE GIRL
STANDING ON CHAIRS.
BOOKS SKIP THIS PARAND GO RIGHT ON
TO HOW WONDERFUL IT WAS.
WELL, MAYBE IF WE KISS.
I TOLD YOU. NO KISSING.
MAYBE IF YOU TOUCH IWITH YOUR HAND.
OK, BUT DON'T LOOK.
THAT'S MY BELLY BUTTON,
SAM.
[SAM DOES TARZAN YELL]
SAM!
HUH?
THIS IS NOWHERE NEAR
A THIRD OF A CUP.
UH!
DID WE LOSE
OUR VIRGINITIES YET?
I SURE AS HELL DIDN'T!
[STEP SQUEAKS]
Lydia: DIBS ON THE CAN!
AHH! THE HELL
WITH THAT!
OHH, CRAP IALL, ANYWAY.
Maurey: SAM, MEEMY COUSIN DELORES.
HI.
HOWDY.
MAUREY, I WON'T TELL
LAURABEL I SAW YOU HERE
IF YOU DON'T TELL HER
THAT YOU SAW ME.
WHAT'S IN THE BOTTLE?
TURPENHYDRATE
AND CODEINE.
IT'S REALLY GOOD
FOR WHEN YOU WANTO STOP DRINKING.
Lydia: WHOO!
YOUR TURN.
HI, MOM.
WHO?
HI, LYDIA.
THIS IS MY FRIEND MAUREY
FROM SCHOOL.
OH. WELCOME WAGON.
MY MOM MADE ME COME.
SHE THINKS
SHE'S BETTY CROCKER.
NOW, NEVER BE EMBARRASSED
BY YOUR MOTHER.
SAM'S EMBARRASSED OF ME,
AND LOOK HOW HE TURNED OUT.
Delores: HAD TO WHIZ
LIKE A RACE HORSE.
I SWEAR TO GOD
YOU DO NOT BUY
CODEINE COUGH SYRUP,
YOU RENT IT.
WHAT HAVE YOU KIDS
BEEN UP TO ALL MORNING?
GIN RUMMY.
I OWE MAUREY $3.50.
NO, WE WEREN'T.
WE WERE TRYING
TO HAVE SEX,
ONLY WE COULDN'DO IT.
WHY WERE YOU TRYING
TO HAVE SEX?
I WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT FEELS
LIKE BEFORE I HIT PUBERTY
AND HAVE TO DO IT FOR REAL,
AND I FIGURED
SAM WOULD BE MORE POPULAR
IF HE KNEW
HOW TO PLEASE GIRLS.
HE HASN'T BEEN
ALL THAT POPULAR SO FAR.
WHAT'S THE MATTER,
HONEY?
YOU HAVIN' PROBLEMS
KEEPIN' YOUR WEENIE UP?
IT STOOD UP.
BUT WE COULDN'T FIGURE OUWHERE HE SHOULD GO IN FROM.
AND THEN HE SQUIRTED.
YOUR TURN.
[SIGHS]
YOU AND YOUR MAMA HAVE
LITTLE CHATS LIKE THIS?
MY MOTHER THINKS
I'M SWEET 14
AND NEVER BEEN
KISSED.
I KNEW WHERE TO GO IN,
I THINK,
BUT IT WOULDN'T GO.
I MUST BE TOO BIG.
[LAUGHS]
NOBODY'S
TOO BIG.
WERE YOU GOOD
AND EXCITED?
EXCITED?
WET.
YEAH.
EXCITED WHEN
YOU'RE...
WET.
YEAH.
NICE AND WET.
DOWN THERE.
SHOULD I HAVE
USED WATER?
[LAUGHS] WATER
DON'T QUITE CUT IT.
CIGARETTES.
FOREPLAY IS
THE ONLY PROPER WAY
A GENTLEMAN
EXCITES A LADY.
WHAT'S FOREPLAY?
YOU KNOW, IT'S WHEN A MAN
SQUEEZES YOUR BOOBS
AND THEN WHISPERS
REAL DIRTY IN YOUR EAR.
DELORES!
LYDIA.
I WISH MY MOTHER
HAD TAKEN TIME
TO TALK TO ME
ABOUT THOSE THINGS.
ALL RIGHT.
IF YOU KIDS
ARE GONNA DO THIS,
YOU MIGHT AS WELL
DO IT RIGHT.
OH, NO.
[LAUGHING]
NOW...
MAUREY LOOKS SOMETHIN'
LIKE THAT, RIGHT?
MY EYES WERE CLOSED.
WHAT YOU WANT TO DO IS
YOU WANT TO GO IN DOWN HERE,
AND ONE OF YOU IS GONNA HAVE TO
GRAB IT AND ANGLE IT RIGHT,
'CAUSE IT'LL JUST TAKE YEARS
BEFORE IT SLIDES IN ON ITS OWN.
MM-HMM. YEARS.
NOW, 2 THINGS.
YOU TWO GO AHEAD AND PLAY
YOUR LITTLE BOY/GIRL GAMES,
BUT THE FIRST SIGN
OF A PERIOD IN MAUREY
AND THE GAME STOPS.
WHAT'S A PERIOD?
NUMBER 2...
IS A MATTER OF FORM.
YOU DON'T TALK LIKE THIS
IN FRONT OF ADULTS.
AT YOUR AGE,
SEX IS SOMETHING YOU--
YOU RUN AROUND AND HIDE.
WHY?
WELL, SOCIETY
WOULD FALL APARIF PEOPLE WERE HONESABOUT SCREWING.
SAM, LET'S GO TO YOUR ROOM
AND READ COMIC BOOKS.
YEAH. YEAH.
COMIC BOOKS SOUND FUN.
OH, I DID A BAD THING.
NO.
10-LETTER WORD
FOR LAMPOON.
UH, SATIRIZE.
IT'S TOO SHORT.
WILL YOU EXPLAIN TO ME
ABOUT WOMEN?
WOMEN ARE RIGHAND MEN ARE WRONG,
AND THAT'S ALL
YOU NEED TO KNOW.
I MEAN ABOUT LIKING.
NOW THAT MAUREY AND I
HAVE DONE IT,
WILL SHE LIKE ME?
MAUREY WILL ALWAYS HAVE
A WARM SPOT IN HER HEARWHENEVER
SHE THINKS ABOUT YOU.
BUT SHE SAYS
WE'RE JUST FRIENDS.
WELL, YOU'RE LUCKY. THAT WAY
YOU CAN HAVE THE FUN OF LOVE
WITHOUT THE HEARTBREAK.
BUT WHAT IF I LIKE HER
AND GET MY HEART BROKE
ANYWAY?
THEN YOU'RE A SUCKER.
HERE'S THE DEAL, SAM.
IF YOU SLEEP WITH A GIRL
AND AFTERWARDS
SHE LIKES YOU AS A FRIEND,
THEN SHE'S ALWAYS
GONNA LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND
AND SHE'S NEVER GONNA
LIKE YOU AS A LOVER.
AND THERE AIN'T NOTHIN'
IN THIS HELL-BITCH WORLD
YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.
Hank: ARE YOU AFRAID
TO ADMITHAT THE OTHER NIGHMEANT SOMETHING?
Lydia: WHAT HAPPENED
BETWEEN US IS JUSWHAT I LIKE MOST:
SEX WITHOUCONSEQUENCES.
HEY, MOM, I'M HOME.
Hank: IF I'M STUPID,
I GO TO JAIL.
IF YOU'RE STUPID,
YOU GET SHIPPED OFF
TO LIVE WITH THE COMMONERS
FOR A FEW MONTHS.
THE WORST THING THAT COULD
POSSIBLY HAPPEN TO YOU
IS YOU MIGHT LOSE
YOUR TRUST FUND.
WELL, I'M NOT ABOUTO SPEND THE RESOF MY LIFE
WAITIN' FOR FREE CHEESE
AT THE COUNTY
EXTENSION OFFICE.
GOT RID OF ANOTHER ONE.
WHY DON'T YOU
JUST GO SCREW
YOUR LITTLE GIRLFRIEND
AND LEAVE ME ALONE?
[ROCK 'N' ROLL MUSIC PLAYS]
WE'RE GOING ON A DOUBLE DATE
TO THE SATURDAY MATINEE.
WHAT, YOU AND ME
AND ANOTHER COUPLE?
NO, ME AND DOTHAN
AND YOU AND CHUCKETTE MORRIS.
BUT DOTHAN'S
OUR MORTAL ENEMY.
HE'S YOUR MORTAL ENEMY.
HE'S MY BOYFRIEND.
BUT DOTHAN CHEERED
WHEN JOHN KENNEDY DIED.
HE SAID "NIGGER."
HE'S JUST REPEATING CRAP
HIS JERK-RACIST DAD
SPEWS AT HOME.
HE DIDN'KNOW ANY BETTER.
WELL, HE RUBBED
OUR FACES IN THE DIRT.
AND HE APOLOGIZED.
WELL, NOT TO ME.
DOTHAN WAS JEALOUS
WHEN HE SAW US
SITTING TOGETHER.
HE'S LIKED ME
SINCE THE FIFTH GRADE.
WELL, DO YOU LIKE HIM?
THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
DOTHAN HAS A LEARNER'S
PERMIT AND A CAR.
WE CAN DOUBLE WITH YOU
AND CHUCKETTE.
WELL, I CAN'T STAND
CHUCKETTE MORRIS.
YEAH, BUT SHE LIKES YOU.
THIS IS YOUR BIG CHANCE
TO GET A DATE.
HURRY UP, SAM.
MOM WILL BE HOME SOON.
[ROCK 'N' ROLL MUSIC PLAYS]
DO THE MANTA RAY
DO THE SQUID
[CHOMPING GUM]
OOH, YEAH, BABY,
LIKE I KNEW YOU DID
DO THE LOBSTER, BABY,
DO THE EEL
YOU GONNA
KISS ME OR NOT?
WHOO, BABY,
I LIKE HOW THAT FEELS
YAHOO
YEAH, YEAH
SWIM LIKE THAYAHOO,
CHECK MY FINS OUT
WELL, YOU'LL HAVE
TO TAKE OUT YOUR GUM.
AW, BUT YOU JUSBOUGHT IT.
SUIT YOURSELF.
GOSH...
I DIDN'T KNOW
WHEN I MOVED HERE
IF I'D FIT IN, BUT...
YOU KIDS ARE REALLY GREAT!
[LAUGHS]
YAHOO
CHECK MY FINS OUYAHOO
OK, YOU WIN.
[CHOMPS,
SIGHS]
YAHOO
SWIM IT NOW
YAHOO
[SIGHS]
CHECK HER FINS OUYAHOO
GET ON YOUR MARK
YAHOO
LET'S DO THE SHARK
AAH-OOH
AH! OOH!
YOU BIT MY TONGUE!
OOH!
[GASPS]
GET HER, SAMMY.
OH, GOD.
THAT WAS DISGUSTING.
IT WAS A KISS.
WITH YOUR WET, GROSS
TONGUE HANGING OUT?
OOH, IS THAT HOW
BOYS BACK EAST KISS?
THAT'S HOW EVERYBODY
KISSES, CHARLOTTE.
IT'S NOT--THAT'S NOHOW THE NAZARENES DO IT.
DADDY SAID
BOYS WOULD TRY
TO GET ME PASSIONATE
SO THEY COULD
MAKE ME PREGNANAND RUIN MY LIFE
AND TRICK ME
INTO GOING TO HELL.
YOU DON'T SOUND
PASSIONATE.
I WASN'T READY
THAT TIME.
LET'S TRY AGAIN.
[LIPS SQUEAK]
JUST YOU AND ME
YEAH, OOH
GONNA TAKE HIM HOME
TO SAMPLE MY COOKIN'
NOT EVEN IF
MY MAMA AND DAD
WERE THERE
OH
YOU'RE HOME, SAM.
DO YOU WANNA COME IN?
LYDIA GOT SOME NEW RECORDS.
NO, THANKS.
I'LL JUST HAVE DOTHAN
TAKE ME ON HOME.
ARE YOU SURE?
GET OUOF THE CAR, SAM.
I'LL BE FINE.
HE DOESN'T SEEM
SUCH A BAD KINDA GUY
YOU'LL BE OK?
WHAT DO YOU THINK
I'M GONNA DO TO HER,
FOR CRISSAKES?
GO ON, SAM.
WAA
I'VE HEARD ABOUT HIM
BAD THINGS ABOUT HIM
I'VE HEARD ABOUT HIM
BAD THINGS ABOUHIM
I'VE HEARD ABOUT HIM
BAD THINGS ABOUT HIM
I'VE HEARD ABOUHIM
ATTA BOY, SAM.
[STUDENTS LAUGH]
I SEE DON JUAN
HAS DECIDED
TO GRACE US
WITH HIS PRESENCE.
[STUDENTS LAUGH]
HERE COMES THE BRIDE
ALL DRESSED IN WHITE
DA DA DA DA DA
DA DA DA DA DA
[STUDENTS LAUGH]
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
HEY, HEY, WHAT'S WITH
THE DON JUAN CRACK?
SO YOU SLIPPED
THE TONGUE TO CHUCKETTE.
WELL, SHE SAID "KISS ME,"
AND I KISSED HER.
SHE CLAIMS YOU WERE
SMACK DAB PASSIONATE.
WHERE'D YOU LEARN
TO KISS, ANYWAY?
JUST WATCHIN' LYDIA
AND HER BOYFRIENDS.
IF MOM LETS ME OUT,
I'LL BE OVER AFTER
DICK VAN DYKE.
MAYBE WE COULD TRY
KISSING THIS TIME.
DO YOU PRACTICE
SEX WITH DOTHAN?
[LAUGHS]
OF COURSE NOT, SILLY.
HE'S MY BOYFRIEND.
MORNING, DARLING.
[LAUGHS]
I LIKE A BOY
WHO GOES THROUGH
THE LINE WITH ME
AND CARRIES MY TRAY.
IT'S ALL RIGHT THIS TIME,
BUT YOUR MANNERS
WILL HAVE TO IMPROVE
SINCE WE'RE GOING STEADY.
WHO SAID
WE'RE GOIN' STEADY?
WELL, EVERYONE.
YOU KNOW WHAYOU DID TO ME
AT THE PICTURE SHOW.
WELL, THERE'S MORE
TO A COMMITMENT THAN
BITING SOMEONE'S TONGUE.
WELL, THAT BEHAVIOR
MAY PASS BACK EAST,
BUT HERE IN WYOMING,
WE'RE MORAL.
THAT REMINDS ME.
YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME
YOUR JACKET.
WHAT?
WELL, IT'LL BE
A LETTER JACKET NEXT YEAR.
WE'LL MAKE DO FOR NOW.
CHARLOTTE,
IT'S FREEZING OUTSIDE.
WHAT BETTER WAY
TO PROVE YOUR LOVE FOR ME
THAN TO SACRIFICE YOUR JACKEFOR MY OWN COMFORT?
WELL, I DON'T WANNA
PROVE MY LOVE.
THEY'LL--THEY'LL THINK
YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF ME.
THEY'LL SAY I'M CHEAP.
Dothan: COME ON, MAUREY,
LET'S GO.
[SIGHS]
JESUS.
Sam: HANK'S TRUCK OUT FRONWAS A GOOD SIGN.
THE PIPES HAD BEEN FROZEN
WHEN I LEFT FOR SCHOOL,
WHICH PUT LYDIA
IN AN EVEN NASTIER MOOD
THAN SHE HAD BEEN IN
SINCE THEIR FIGHT.
I FIGURED THEY WERE UPSTAIRS
HAVIN' A MAKEUP ORGY.
I WAS GLAD FOR THEM.
THEY REALLY SEEMED
TO LIKE EACH OTHER,
BUT AFTER ALL,
YOUR MOM IS YOUR MOM,
AND I'D HOPED THEY'D
HEAR ME AND STOP.
I WASN'T IN THE MOOD
TO HEAR MOANS AND GROANS
FROM MY OWN MOTHER.
MOM.
MOM.
MOM.
[KNOCKS]
LYDIA?
HI, HONEY BUNNY.
HI, LYDIA.
HANK CRAWLED
UNDER THE HOUSE
WITH A TORCH
AND THAWED THE PIPES.
WASN'T THAT NICE OF HIM?
GIVE US A SIP.
Lydia: UM, THERE'S
A LETTER FROM CASPAR
ON THE KITCHEN TABLE.
YEAH, WHAT'S GRANDPA
GOT TO SAY?
AW, USUAL THREATS.
NOTHIN' FOR YOU
TO WORRY ABOUT.
WE ARE LIVIN'
SO CLEAN AND WHOLESOME
HERE IN WYOMING,
EVEN CASPAR
CAN'T TOUCH US.
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS]
TA-DA.
[LAUGHS]
I DIDN'T HAVE
TIME TO WRAP IT.
WELL, WHAT ELSE
WERE YOU DOIN'?
NOW
YOU CAN LISTEN
TO YOUR STUPID
BASEBALL GAMES
ALL NIGHT.
[LAUGHS]
THANKS, MOM.
SAM.
I MEAN, THANKS, LYDIA.
MMM.
YUCK.
MMM.
YUCK.
MY PRESENT'S
OUT IN THE BACK.
SO, WE GONNA KEEP HIM?
DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
HE'S NOT A SWEATER.
I NEVER SAID
HE WAS.
BESIDES, WE WON'BE HERE THAT LONG.
HAPPY CHRISTMAS.
WHAT'S THAT?
BY TRADITION,
IT OUGHTA BE A HORSE,
BUT I WASN'T SURE
YOU WANTED ONE.
SAM HELPED ME
CHOOSE IT.
HEY, I TOLD HIM
YOU'D NEVER GET ON IT.
NOT IN A MILLION YEARS.
WELL, YOU GOTHAT RIGHT.
YEP, I SAID CASPAR
WON'T LET YOU RIDE A BIKE.
WHOO!
[SAM LAUGHS]
[HANK LAUGHS]
COME ON, SAM.
Sam: ALL RIGHT.
YAHOO.
HEY.
I'LL GIVE YOU 5 BUCKS
IF YOU CAN KNOCK
MY COWBOY HAT OFF.
Maurey: COME ON,
CATCH UP.
Sam: YEAH.
SEE? I CAN RIDE.
LOOK, NO HANDS.
YEAH, RIGHT.
WELL, ONE HAND.
I'M GONNA--
I'M GONNA...
[LAUGHS]
DON'T RUN ME OVER.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
WHOA!
Lydia: HEY, BABY,
YOU OK?
WE SHOULD HAVE GOT HER
THAT DAMN HORSE.
[LAUGHS]
[BOTH LAUGH]
Hank: CATCH HER!
THIS AIN'T SO HARD.
COME ON, HURRY UP.
[LAUGHS]
GET BACK HERE, LYDIA!
HE CARES FOR ME LIKE
I HOPED HE WOULD NOW
SOMETHIN' TELLS ME
I'M INTO SOMETHIN' GOOD
SOMETHIN' TELLS ME
I'M INTO SOMETHIN'
SOMETHIN' TELLS ME
I'M INTO SOMETHIN'
TIME OUT.
GOOD
MAUREY DOESN'LOVE ME, SAM.
SHE LOVES YOU.
YOU CAN HAVE HER.
WELL, THAT'S AWFULLY
SPORTING OF YOU.
NO SWEAT...
I'M IN LOVE
WITH ANOTHER.
WHEN HE GOT ME HOME
AND HE HELD MY HAND
I KNEW IT WOULDN'T BE
JUST A ONE-NIGHT STAND
'CAUSE HE ASKED
TO SEE ME NEXT WEEK
AND I TOLD HIM HE COULD
HE ASKED TO SEE ME AND I
TOLD HIM HE COULD, WELL
SOMETHIN' TELLS ME
I'M INTO SOMETHIN' GOOD
SOMETHIN' TELLS ME
I'M INTO SOMETHIN'
SOMETHIN' GOOD
OH, YEAH
SOMETHIN' GOOD
SOMETHIN' TELLS ME
I'M INTO SOMETHIN'
SOMETHIN' TELLS ME
I'M INTO SOMETHIN' GOOD
IS LYDIA HERE?
YEAH, WE'RE GOIN'
ON A PICNIC.
YOU WANNA COME?
IS LYDIA COMING?
WELL, YEAH.
Lydia: HANK
PROMISED WE'D SEE
A MAGNIFICENT VIEW
OF THE LAKE.
HE'D BETTER NOBE LYIN'
HEY, LOOK.
IN NATURE, A PERSON
CAN BE IDEALISTIC.
YOU CAN BELIEVE
IN THINGS.
WELL, LIKE WHAT?
LIKE BEAUTY...
AND THE NOBILITY
OF HUMANS.
PEOPLE IN THE CITIES
CANNOT BELIEVE
IN NOBILITY
BECAUSE THEY SEE
NO SIGN OF IT.
I JUST LOVE IWHEN HE TALKS
LIKE CHIEF JOSEPH.
HOW CAN YOU TELL
IF YOU'RE PREGNANT?
WELL, THE GAME
WAS SUPPOSED TO END
WHEN YOU GOYOUR FIRST PERIOD.
I HAVEN'T HAD
A PERIOD YET.
W-WHAT'S A PERIOD?
WELL, I...
I HARDLY KNOW
WHAT BEING PREGNANFEELS LIKE MYSELF.
I WAS ONLY
WITH CHILD ONCE,
AND I WASN'MUCH OLDER THAN YOU.
I'M JUST A KID.
I CAN'T HAVE A BABY.
SEE? THAT'S WHAI THOUGHT.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
YOU DIDN'T CALL ME
THIS WEEKEND.
I DON'T KNOW
WHY I GO STEADY
WITH YOU.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO CALL ME
AT LEAST ONCE A DAY.
SHARON'S BOYFRIEND
CALLS HER HOUSE
A DOZEN TIMES
A DAY,
AND THEN LETS
THE PHONE RING ONCE
AND THEN HANGS UP
JUST TO LET HER KNOW
HE STILL LOVES HER,
AND THIS MORNING,
YOU DIDN'T EVEN
NOTICE MY NEW SKIRT.
I WAS SO APPALLED.
I MEAN, EVEN RODNEY
MADE A COMPLIMENT,
AND DID
I GET ANYTHING
FROM YOU? NO.
IT HURTS.
I'M TRYING TO LOOK
NICE FOR YOU.
I MEAN, YOU ARE
MY BOYFRIEND.
IF THIS RELATIONSHIP
DOESN'T STARTO COME
TO MY END OF IT,
THEN I'M AFRAID THIS
WILL NOT WORK OUT.
[CRIES]
ARE YOU OK?
WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
WELL, IF YOU'RE PREGNANT,
I'LL MARRY YOU.
SAM, I CAN'T MARRY YOU.
WHY NOT?
I'M 14 YEARS OLD.
[CRIES]
Lydia: IT'S NOT GONNA
BE THAT BAD, HONEY.
OH, SHH, WAIT, SHH.
SHH. ONE SECOND.
WHOA.
WE CAN RENT AN APARTMENT.
I'LL GET A JOB.
OH, SAM.
DON'T BE A SQUIRREL.
ARE YOU COMIN'
OR NOT?
YEAH.
GOOD, YOU NAVIGATE.
YOU KNOW,
NOBODY ASKED ME
WHAT I WANTED TO DO
ABOUT THE BABY.
NO, NO ONE'S
GOING TO, EITHER.
Lydia: DELORES SAYS
THIS IS A NASTY TOWN,
AND SHE DOESN'T MEAN
"NASTY" IN A NICE WAY.
I'VE GOTTA BE HOME
BEFORE MOM GETS BACK
FROM IDAHO FALLS.
Lydia: WELL,
LET'S DO IT, THEN.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
THEY'RE READY
FOR YOU.
THIS IS THE SHITS.
YOU'RE GONNA BE OK.
I KNOW.
Nurse: RIGHT THIS WAY,
SWEETHEART.
HERE YOU ARE,
DEAR.
Girl: THANK YOU.
I DON'T KNOW
WHY WE'RE HERE.
[CLINKING]
SAM, STOP FIDGETING.
I'M GONNA GO WAIIN THE WAITING ROOM.
FINE.
SAM.
[CRIES]
MAUREY.
OH, LET'S GO.
Woman: MAUREY.
MAUREY.
[CRIES]
[CRIES]
Lydia: LAURABEL PIERCE
AND COACH STEBBINS?
IT PUTS NEW MEANING
INTO WELCOME WAGON.
DADDY.
[CRIES]
OH, I'M SORRY.
DADDY.
HOW COULD MAUREY
AND HER MOM
HAVE AN ABORTION
AT THE SAME TIME?
[CRIES]
THERE'S ONLY ONE
CLINIC DOIN' 'EM
FOR HUNDREDS
OF MILES,
AND THEN ONLY
ON SATURDAYS.
I BET THERE NEVER WAS
THAT BRIDGE CLUB
IN IDAHO FALLS.
WHILE DADDY'S
UP AT THE RANCH
TAKING CARE
OF THE HORSES,
MOM'S NAKED
WITH HOWARD STEBBINS
STICKING HIS GREASY
THING IN HER.
I HATE MOTHERS.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
Lydia: ARE YOU SURE
YOU DON'T WANNA
COME HOME WITH US?
Maurey: I HAVE TO FIX
PETEY'S SUPPER.
MOM MIGHT NOT MAKE IHOME TILL LATE.
SAM, SHE'S BAREFOOT.
OH.
I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.
SO, ARE WE GONNA
KEEP THE BABY?
I CAN'T THINK
ABOUT THAT NOW, SAM.
OK.
THESE FOOLISH TEARS
I'M CRYIN' OVER YOU
THIS FOOLISH HEARWHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU?
WHAT ELSE TO DO
I DESERVE
SOME FUN TONIGHT.
RAISIN' KIDS IS A LOOF RESPONSIBILITY.
HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?
THE WORLD'S
STILL CALLIN'
WELL, WHAT DOES
THAT INFER?
BE TRUE
I DIDN'T KNOW SHE
WOULD GET PREGNANT.
YOU KNOW, I'VE JUSABOUT HAD IWITH YOUR
JUDGMENTAL ATTITUDE.
THOSE KIDS WERE 14,
AND YOU TAUGHT THEM
SEX GAMES.
YOUR FATHER
IS RIGHT.
SAM COULDN'BE WORSE OFF IN
A MILITARY SCHOOL.
ALL THOSE HOURS
THAT I SPENT HERE
YOU FINISHED WITH THAT?
MAKIN' NICE
[ALL GASP]
COME ON, DOUGIE,
DANCE WITH ME.
HEY. COME ON.
BUT I'VE LIED TO MYSELF
THAT YOU'D STILL WAIT
YOU SHOULD HAVE CHANGED
[DOOR LATCH
UNLOCKS]
[DOOR SLAMS]
Lydia: COME ON, DOUGIE.
YEAH.
[CAR TIRES SCREECH]
WHO DO YOU HAVE
TO FUCK IN THIS JOINTO GET A CUP OF COFFEE?
I HEARD HANK'S TRUCK
LAST NIGHT.
HE KNOWS WHAYOU WERE DOING.
SO SHOOT ME.
HEY.
LYDIA.
WELL, YOU GONNA
HAVE THE BABY?
I GUESS SO.
REALLY?
WHY ARE YOU SO HAPPY?
I DON'T KNOW.
I GUESS I'M JUST READY
TO BE A FATHER.
MORNIN', LADIES.
MMM.
[TIRES SCREECH]
WHAT'S HANK DOIN'?
Dot: WHAT'S THAT HE'S GOT?
THAT'S OUR MOOSE.
HE'S DRUNKER
THAN A SKUNK.
HANK DOESN'T DRINK.
MAYBE HE'S SICK.
OH, SHOOT.
[SCREAMS]
HEY, BUTT-FACE.
DON'T CALL ME
BUTT-FACE.
MAUREY'S PREGNANT.
YOU COULD HAVE HURT HER.
YOUR MOTHER'S A WHORE.
YEAH, WELL, THAT STILL
DOESN'T GIVE YOU THE RIGHTO HURT MAUREY.
I'M SORRY...
BUT YOUR MOTHER'S
STILL A WHORE.
[TIRES SCREECH]
YOU OK?
ANOTHER PITIFUL MAN
PUT HIS HOPES ON YOU,
AND YOU TOOK HIM DOWN.
FUCK YOU, SAM.
FUCK YOU, TOO, MOM.
Sam: YOUR PARENTS HAVE
A REALLY NICE RANCH.
THANKS.
ARE YOU SURE YOU SHOULD
BE DOIN' THAT?
DAD SAYS I WAS
BORN ON A HORSE.
COME ON.
YOU MEAN, YOU WANT ME
TO GET UP THERE?
[LAUGHS]
WHY NOT, SILLY?
COME ON.
Sam: IS YOUR DAD
SUSPICIOUS YET?
Maurey:
IF WE WERE OLDER,
HE'D BE WATCHING YOU
LIKE A COYOTE.
RIGHT NOW
HIS WORST FEAR IS
LYDIA MIGHT GIVE ME
A CIGARETTE.
WHAT ABOUT YOUR MOM?
DOES SHE KNOW YOU'RE
STILL PREGNANT?
MOM WON'T SAY A WORD,
BUT I CAN TELL SHE'S
GOING NUTS TO FIND OUT.
SHE SNEAKS IN MY ROOM
WHEN SHE THINKS
I'M ASLEEP
AND STARES AT ME
FOR HOURS.
IT'S SPOOKY.
Maurey: ISN'T BEING
FRIENDS MUCH BETTER
THAN BEING
GIRLFRIEND
AND BOYFRIEND?
IF YOU WERE
MY BOYFRIEND
I'D NEVER SHOW YOU
THIS SPOBECAUSE WE MIGHBREAK UP
AND THEN WHERE
WOULD I BE?
WELL, WHERE
WOULD YOU BE?
SOMEONE I DON'LIKE WOULD KNOW
MY SECRET.
BUT I STILL WANTO HAVE SEX WITH YOU.
WE CAN'T HAVE SEX NOW.
YOU'RE MY FRIEND.
I CAN'T RISK LOSING YOU
FOR SOMETHING
AS SILLY AS SEX.
I'M CONFUSED.
YOU BIKE BACK INTO TOWN
WITHOUT ME.
I THINK I'LL
TALK TO DAD.
ARE YOU SURE?
IT'S TIME.
IS THERE ANY CHANCE
YOU MIGHSKIP THE PART ABOUWHO THE FATHER IS?
I'LL TRY,
BUT YOU AND LYDIA
BETTER LOCK
YOUR DOORS TONIGHT.
HI.
Lydia:
THANKS, SUGAR.
MAUREY TOLD HER DAD ABOUTHE BABY THIS AFTERNOON.
WHAT DO YOU THINK HE'LL DO?
BUDDY PIERCE WILL
BRAND YOUR BUTT.
ARE YOU SPEAKING
LITERALLY OR
METAPHORICALLY?
WELL, I'M GOD'S GIFTO HORSES.
WELL, YES, SIR,
BUT I ACCIDENTALLY
SQUIRTED
INTO YOUR DAUGHTER
AND, WELL, NOW SHE'S
WITH CHILD.
NO!
[CLINK CLINK]
[CLINK]
CAN I LIVE HERE
TILL THE BABY COMES?
OF COURSE.
SO, HOW'D IT GO
WITH YOUR DAD?
HE SAID I'M A SLUAND HE'S ASHAMED TO HAVE
ME AS A DAUGHTER.
[SNIFFS]
WELL, YOU PROBABLY
JUST SURPRISED HIM.
JUST GIVE HIM
A FEW DAYS. HE'LL
COME AROUND.
NO, HE WON'T.
DADDY HAS MORALS
AND I DON'T.
I'M GONNA GO SLEEP
ON THE COUCH.
NO!
THAT'S TOO FAR AWAY.
SLEEP HERE ON THE FLOOR
IN CASE I NEED YOU.
NOW, ALL YOUR LIFE
I'VE TRIED TO SEAN EXAMPLE
OF HOW TO DEAL WITH
PUBLIC DISAPPROVAL.
IT'S TIME TO SHOW ME
WHAT YOU'VE LEARNED,
HONEY BUNNY.
I FEEL LIKE
LEE HARVEY OSWALD.
IT'S LIKE WE HAVE
THE ULTIMATE COOTIES.
YEAH, I'LL SEE YOU
AT LUNCH THERE,
SAMMY-BOY.
[SOBBING]
I'M SORRY I GOMAUREY PREGNANWHILE I WAS GOING
STEADY WITH YOU.
[BELL RINGS]
SAM?
DID SHE TELL ON ME?
TELL ON YOU?
DOES HER FATHER KNOW
ABOUT...YOU KNOW?
THAT YOU AND HER MOM
SHARED AN ABORTION?
NO.
I THINK SHE LOVES
HER DAD TOO MUCH
TO TELL HIM THAYOU SCREWED HER MOM.
I HAVEN'T TALKED
TO LAURABEL
SINCE THE DAY
AT THE CLINIC.
YOU CAN TELL
MAUREY THAT.
SO YOU GOT HER AN ABORTION,
THEN DUMPED HER?
WELL, WASN'T THAT WHAI WAS SUPPOSED TO DO?
HOW'D EVERYBODY
FIND OUT?
NOW THAT I'VE TOLD DAD
IT DOESN'T MATTER
WHO ELSE KNOWS.
SO, WHO'D YOU TELL?
HIM.
SAMMY-BOY,
HOW'S IT SHAKING?
ABOUT THE SAME.
GOOD. WE STILL ON
FOR FRIDAY NIGHT?
TOWN WITHOUT PITY'S
PLAYING AT THE MOVIES.
HEY, YOU OUGHTO BRING CHUCKETTE
AND MAYBE SATURDAY NIGHWE'LL GO PARKING.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW. I'LL
HAVE TO ASK CHUCKETTE.
HE'LL HAVE
TO ASK CHUCKETTE.
THIS BOY GETS
ANY FUNNIER,
THEY'RE GONNA
PUT HIM ON TV.
HEY, HOW COME DOTHAN
DIDN'T BEAT ME UP
AT LUNCH TODAY?
HE'S AN UNDERSTANDING
KIND OF GUY.
AND I SAID I'D BREAK UP
WITH HIM
IF HE WAS MEAN TO YOU.
Sam: SPRING IN WYOMING
LASTS ALL OF 2 WEEKS
AND IS MARKED BY MUD
AND RAMPANT PREGNANCY.
WITH ALL OF NATURE
KNOCKED UP,
MAUREY AND I FELRIGHT AT HOME.
WE DISCOVERED THE BEST THING
ABOUT BEING OSTRACIZED
BY AN ENTIRE TOWN IS THAPEOPLE LEAVE YOU ALONE.
WITH HANK GONE, LYDIA WAS
CRANKIER THAN USUAL,
AND THE RISING HEADIDN'T HELP MAUREY'S
MOOD MUCH, EITHER.
SHE SAID BEING PREGNANWAS WRETCHED,
BUT TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,
IT DIDN'T BOTHER ME
THAT MUCH.
I'M GOING
FOR A BIKE RIDE.
YOU WANNA COME?
SURE.
DO YOU BRUSH
YOUR TEETH EVERY DAY?
YES, MOM.
AND USE A FRESH TOWEL
AFTER EVERY SHOWER.
I WILL.
BYE.
[HONKING]
Sam: I CAN'T BELIEVE
WE HAVE TO BRING DOTHAN.
HE'S MY BOYFRIEND, SAM.
YOU BETTER
BE NICE TO HIM.
WHAT HAPPENED
TO YOUR ARM?
MY DADDY BROKE IT.
WHY, FOR GOD'S
SAKES, WOULD
HE DO THAT?
'CAUSE I WAS
MOUTHIN' OFF.
SO HE BROKE YOUR ARM?
I DESERVED IT.
CAN WE JUST DROP IT?
DROPPED.
HOWDY, FOLKS.
YOU'RE GONNA BE GLAD
YOU CAME OUT TODAY.
WE GOT A REAL GOOD RODEO
FAIR HERE AT GROVONT.
RAINED A LITTLE EARLIER,
SUN'S OUT NICE NOW.
MUD AND BLOOD IS WHARODEO'S ALL ABOUT.
[CHEERING]
Announcer: FOLKS,
LET'S HAVE A BIG HAND
FOR JOE BRANNIGAN.
A BIG HAND IS ALL
HE'S GONNA WIN TODAY.
WHOO!
WHOO!
THE TIMED MASTERY
OF A HORSE
IS NOTHING MORE THAN
COMPETITIVE SEX.
PROOF THAT MAN CAN
SUBJUGATE ANYTHING
WILD AND BEAUTIFUL
ONCE HE GETS IBETWEEN HIS LEGS.
WHAT GETS ME
IS THEY WANA BELT BUCKLE
FOR LASTING
8 SECONDS.
OUR NEXT CONTESTANIN THE BULLDOGGING
COMPETITION
IS HANK ELKRUNNER
FROM RIGHT HERE IN GROVONT.
Announcer:
THAT 5.4-SECOND RIDE
PUTS HANK ELKRUNNER
SQUARE IN THE LEAD.
I FAIL TO SEE HOW
HURLING A DUMB ANIMAL
TO THE EARTH
MAKES A MAN THE OBJECOF MASS APPROVAL.
Announcer:
THANK YOU KINDLY, HANK.
LOOKS LIKE
A STUD TO ME.
Hank: THANKS, FOLKS.
Announcer:
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
IF YOU'LL JUST STAY CALM,
LET OUR COWBOYS
GET IN THERE.
WE HAVE PROFESSIONALS
ON THE SCENE.
Buddy: GIVE ME
SOME HELP HERE.
GET SOMEBODY
IN HERE. HE'S HURT.
I MIGHT OUGHTO SEE ABOUT MOM.
I'LL GO
WITH YOU.
Announcer: IT'S UNFORTUNATE
THAT THESE THINGS HAPPEN...
COME ON! MOVE IT!
EXCUSE ME.
Announcer: ...MEDICAL TEAMS
ON STAFF OUT RIGHT HERE
AND THEY WILL
TAKE CARE OF HIM.
WATCH HIM.
EASY, EASY.
I'LL BE BACK
IN A BIT.
Announcer: THANK YOU,
FELLAS. HE'S GONNA BE FINE.
MAMA--
HAVE TO CLEAN THE FLOOR
BEFORE BUDDY COMES HOME
'CAUSE BUDDY WILL
BE ANGRY.
MOM, IT'S OK. LEAVE
THE FLOOR TO LATER.
NO, I CAN'T LEAVE ANY
TRACKS IN THE LINOLEUM.
SHE'S NUTS. OUGHTO BE LOCKED UP.
THIS IS YOUR FAULT.
NO MORE THAN YOU.
YOU! MY BABY!
YOU KILLED
MY BABY!
WHAT'S SHE
TALKING ABOUT?
BABY! KILLED
MY BABY!
MOM, NO, IT'S OK.
NO! NO!
MAMA--
MOM!
Maurey: MAMA, WHAARE YOU DOING?
GET THIS OFF OF ME!
Announcer: ATTENTION,
COWBOYS IN THE ARENA...
Woman: SHE'S HAVING
A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.
Maurey: PLEASE,
WE NEED TO HELP HER.
Woman: SHE'S GONNA
GET HURT OUT THERE.
Announcer: CAN WE
GET SOME HELP IN
FOR THE LADY, PLEASE?
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
EVERYTHING'LL BE JUST FINE.
JUST STAY IN THE STANDS
AND LET THE COWBOY
TAKE CARE OF IT.
THANK YOU, HANK.
APPRECIATE IT.
NO!
EASY, MA'AM.
NO, GET AWAY
FROM ME!
[SOBBING]
GET AWAY
FROM ME.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
MAMA?
IT'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.
BUDDY WOULD STILL BE
AT THE HOSPITAL.
WE'LL FOLLOW YOU
OUT THERE IN CASE
YOU NEED US.
PRIDE MEANS NOTHING
IF YOU LOSE A GOOD MAN.
YEAH.
WILL SOMEONE PLEASE
EXPLAIN TO ME
WHAT ALL THIS PRIDE
NONSENSE IS ABOUT?
LIFE'S TOO SHORFOR ME TO WASTE
ANY OF IT.
I'LL SEE YOU AROUND.
HEH.
Lydia: HEY!
YOU CAN'T GEAWAY FROM ME,
YOU RED-SKINNED
SON OF A BITCH.
[TRUCK STARTS]
HEY, I'M TALKING TO YOU!
HEY!
YOU THINK
SHE'LL GET HIM?
HANK DON'STAND A CHANCE.
I'M YOUR SQUAW,
DAMN IT!
HANK, YOU LISTEN
TO ME! HANK!
Lydia: COME HERE, BABY.
[DOOR SLAMS]
[THUD]
[THUD]
WHAT--WHAT--OK!
GERONIMO, BABY!
[GIGGLES]
WEIRD.
YOU KNOW WHY WOMEN
FAKE ORGASMS?
I DON'T GIVE A HOOWHY WOMEN FAKE ORGASMS.
I'M NOT COMFORTABLE.
WOMEN FAKE
ORGASMS--
LISTEN
TO THE BIRTHDAY GIRL.
WOMEN FAKE
ORGASMS
BECAUSE MEN
FAKE FOREPLAY.
HA HA HA HA!
YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES
WHEN I HAVE A REAL ORGASM,
I TELL THE MAN
THAT I FAKED IJUST SO HE DOESN'GET COCKY.
I HATE COCKY MEN!
MY BABY'S GOING
TO BE RAISED
ON MARSHMALLOWS.
Lydia: WELL,
I RAISED SAMMY
ON DR PEPPER.
LOOK HOW HE
TURNED OUT.
I TURNED OUT OK.
SAYS WHO?
[GASPS]
AAH! WHOO!
AAH! AAH!
GET HIM, HANK!
Delores:
GET HIM, HANK!
GET HIS FEET, HANK.
GET HIS FEET.
Lydia:
DELORES...
SIT ON HIS FEET.
HANK, GETHE MARSHMALLOWS.
YOU'RE DEAD!
PUT THE
MARSHMALLOWS
IN HIS EAR!
Delores:
SAY UNCLE. SAY UNCLE!
NO!
HI-HO, SILVER, AWAY!
DELORES.
Delores: UH-OH.
GET UP, SAM.
I SAID GET UP
ON YOUR FEET.
SAMUEL, GEON YOUR FEET.
THIS IS YOUR
SUNDAY UNIFORM
AT THE CUSTER
MILITARY ACADEMY.
AS SOON AS YOU CLEAR THAT MUCKY
GUNK OUT OF YOUR EAR,
YOU'LL GO IN THE HOUSE
AND PUT IT ON.
DADDY.
BE SILENT, GIRL.
WE ARE GOING HOME NOW.
WE WILL PLACE SAMUEL
AT CUSTER,
AND THEN YOU AND I
WILL PROCEED ONTO GREENSBORO.
WAIT A SECOND.
WE CAN'T GO HOME.
WE'RE HAVING A BABY.
WELL, I'M SURE
THAT LITTLE GIRL
HAS A MOTHER
OF HER OWN.
MY MOTHER'S
IN THE NUTHOUSE.
BE THAT AS IT MAY,
YOU MADE YOUR BED,
NOW YOU MUST LIE IN IT.
I WILL NOT STAND BY
AND SEE MY GRANDSON
SNARED BY A SPIDER.
MAUREY IS NOA SPIDER.
I TOLD YOU
TO BE SILENT.
WELL, I WON'T.
YOU JUST CAN'COME IN HERE
AND RUIN EVERYTHING.
THIS IS
OUR HOME NOW.
THESE PEOPLE
ARE OUR FAMILY.
FAMILY. HA HA!
A FLOOZY, A KIOWA,
AND A VERY PREGNANLITTLE GIRL.
TELL ME, WHICH MEMBER
OF YOUR NEW FAMILY
IS GOING TO PAY
NEXT MONTH'S RENT?
BLACKFEET.
JUST EXACTLY WHAT IS
THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
Hank: I'M BLACKFEET,
NOT KIOWA.
I UNDERSTAND YOU LIVE
IN A ONE-ROOM TRAILER.
DO YOU THINK SHE'S
GONNA LIKE LIVING THERE
AND CARRYING
YOUR PAPOOSES?
DADDY, YOU ARE
SUCH AN ASSHOLE.
WELL, THAT COULD BE.
WHEN YOU GETO THE POINWHERE YOU CAN PAY
YOUR WAY IN LIFE,
YOU CAN LIVE
ANYWHERE YOU WANAND IN ANY DISGUSTING
MANNER YOU WANT.
BUT AS LONG AS I'M
PAYING THE BILLS,
YOU WILL DO AS I DICTATE.
IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?
GO INSIDE AND PUYOUR UNIFORM ON.
SON, YOU DON'HAVE A LOT TO SAY
ABOUT IT.
Sam: I DECIDED
LIFE WAS A GYP.
WHY COULDN'T PEOPLE
JUST DO WHAT I WANTED?
MAUREY WASN'IN LOVE WITH ME.
NOT IN THE RIGHT WAY.
IF WE WERE IN LOVE
LIKE ROMEO AND JULIET,
WE COULD FIGHT CASPAR.
WE COULD FLEE
INTO THE MOUNTAINS
OR CHAIN OURSELVES
TO A ROCK.
ROMEO AND JULIET WERE 14,
AND NO ONE TREATED THEM
LIKE CHILDREN.
BUT, OF COURSE,
THEY DIED AT THE END.
HEY. HOW'D YOU
GET HERE FROM TOWN?
HANK BROUGHT ME.
HE'S AT THE RANCH
TALKING TO DAD.
YOUR GRANDFATHER
ISN'T HAPPY WITH YOU.
I'LL NEVER PUT ON
THAT UNIFORM. NEVER!
YES, YOU WILL.
YOU AND LYDIA
ARE BOTH HOPELESS,
AND WE ALL KNOW IT.
I WON'T LEAVE
YOU AND THE BABY.
I'LL HIDE IN THE MOUNTAINS
AND LIVE ON BUSHES
AND FROGS IF I HAVE TO.
WE MADE A MISTAKE.
THIS BABY'S COMING
WHETHER ANYBODY'S
READY OR NOT.
[SIGHS]
DON'T BE SAD, SAM.
NO MATTER HOW BAD
EVERYTHING IS,
YOU AND I WILL
HAVE A BABY.
YOU'LL BE 18
IN 4 YEARS. THEN
YOU CAN COME BACK.
COME ON.
COME ON.
WILL YOU--
[LAUGHING]
Sam: I'M GONNA
GET YOU.
Maurey: NO, NO!
YOU'RE GOING
IN THE WATER.
SAM?
ARE YOU OK?
I JUST FELTHE BABY.
P.A.: DR. JENKINS
TO LABOR AND DELIVERY.
DR. JENKINS TO LABOR
AND DELIVERY, PLEASE.
CONGRATULATIONS,
MR. PIERCE.
YOU'RE
A GRANDFATHER.
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT ME?
YOU HAVE
A DAUGHTER.
[BABY COOS]
HER NAME
IS SHANNON.
THAT'S PRETTY.
CAN I TOUCH HER?
OK, BUT BE GENTLE.
BABIES AREN'T FOOTBALLS.
YEAH, THEY DON'TRAVEL AS FAR WHEN
YOU KICK 'EM.
THAT'S NOT FUNNY, SAM.
I HOPE SHE GROWS UP
TO HAVE MY LOOKS
AND DAD'S BRAINS.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT ME?
SHE'LL HAVE YOUR HEART.
IT'S HARD TO SEE
HOW GOO ON A SOCK
CAN LEAD TO THIS.
PRETTY COOL, HUH?
YEAH.
[BABY FUSSES]
I WANNA GO HOME.
AFTER WE EAT.
WHOA, I CAN'GO IN THERE.
MY GRANDFATHER
WILL KIDNAP ME.
YOUR GRANDFATHER
WILL NOT KIDNAP YOU.
YEAH, HE'LL TAKE ME
STRAIGHT TO CUSTER
MILITARY ACADEMY.
I WON'T LET HIM.
COME ON.
Caspar:
HI, SAM.
SO, WHAT'D SHE
NAME THE BABY?
SHANNON.
OH, MY GOD.
THAT'LL
NEVER DO.
MY BABY'S NAME
IS SHANNON.
WHO DO I HAVE
TO FUCK IN THIS JOINTO GET A CUP OF COFFEE?
AH, KEEP YOUR PANTS
ZIPPED, JACK.
MOM?
MUTUAL TRUSAND RESPECT, SAM.
ALWAYS REMEMBER WHAOUR RELATIONSHIP
IS BASED ON.
I MAY HAVE
A GRANDDAUGHTER,
BUT I'M NOT 30 YET.
WELL, YOU CAN'WORK HERE, LYDIA.
WATCH ME.
SHE WON'LAST A MONTH.
THE FIRST TIME
SHE BREAKS
A FINGERNAIL,
SHE'LL BE COMING
HOME TO DADDY.
FAT CHANCE, DADDY.
SO DOES THIS MEAN
I DON'T HAVE TO GO
TO CUSTER?
THAT'S RIGHT. AS LONG
AS WE PAY OUR OWN WAY,
THE OLD GOAT CAN'FORCE US ANYWHERE.
SHE'LL NEVER
MAKE THE RENON TIPS.
WELL, DOT DOES.
Hank: AND I'M
MOVING IN, TOO.
SELLING MY TRAILER
AND COMING TO TOWN.
MAUREY'S FAMILY WILL
HELP PAY ON RENT.
MAUREY'S
MOVING IN?
WELL, PART-TIME
WHILE BUDDY'S UP
AT THE RANCH.
NOW, WHAT CAN I
GET YOU FELLAS?
I DON'T HAVE ALL DAY
TO CHIT-CHAWITH THE RABBLE.
[BABY COOS]
SAM CALLAHAN,
I WANNA HAVE
YOUR BABY.
WE ALL WANNA
HAVE YOUR BABY.
WE WANT YOU TO BE
THE DAD OF A NEW
GENERATION.
I'M SORRY.
I WOULD LOVE
TO FATHER YOUR CHILD,
BUT MY HEART BELONGS
TO MY TRUE LOVE.
IT'S JUST NOT PROPER
TO HAVE BABIES
BY MORE THAN
ONE GIRL AT A TIME.
[SIGHS] YOU'VE
BROKEN MY HEART.
BE STRONG. SOMEDAY
YOU WILL UNDERSTAND
THE THEORY OF ONE MAN,
ONE BABY.
[COOS]
I'M GOING
INTO GREEN RIVER
AFTER CHEERLEADING
PRACTICE,
SO YOU'LL HAVE TO HANDLE
THE 6:00 FEEDING.
WELL, I'M THE FATHER,
NOT THE BABY-SITTER.
SAME DIFFERENCE.
NOW, BE A GOOD BABY.
LYDIA'LL HELP YOU
IF YOU NEED ANYTHING.
I WON'T NEED LYDIA.
BYE.
Maurey:
BYE, SAM.
[COOS]
Sam: THE FUTURE
LAY BEFORE SAM
LIKE THE GREAAMERICAN NOVEL
JUST WAITING TO BE WRITTEN.
LYDIA WOULD MARRY HANK
AND JOIN THE WELCOME WAGON.
MAUREY WOULD GROW
TO LOVE SAM
THE WAY MOTHERS ARE
SUPPOSED TO LOVE FATHERS.
SHANNON WOULD GROW UP
TO BE BEAUTIFUL, TALENTED,
AND VIRGINAL.
SAM KNEW THE TRAIL AHEAD
WOULD BE LONG, STEEP,
AND LITTERED
WITH HORSE MANURE,
BUT HE WAS READY NOW,
'CAUSE SOMEHOW, SOME WAY,
THE WAITRESS, THE INDIAN,
THE CHEERLEADER,
AND THE 15-YEAR-OLD FATHER
WOULD SURVIVE.
THEY WERE THE MODERN
AMERICAN FAMILY.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
LIONS GATE FILMS
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL
DO THE MANTA RAY
DO THE SQUID
OOH, YEAH, BABY,
LIKE I KNEW YOU DID
DO THE LOBSTER, BABY
DO THE EEL
OH, YEAH, BABY,
I LIKE HOW THAT FEELS
YAHOO, SWIM LIKE THAYAHOO, CHECK
HER FINS OUT
YAHOO, GET ON YOUR MARK
YAHOO, LET'S
DO THE SHARK
YAHOO, DO IT NOW
YAHOO, CHECK
MY FINS OUT
YAHOO, GET ON YOUR MARK
YAHOO, LET'S
DO THE SHARK
YAHOO, SWIM IT NOW
YAHOO, CHECK
HER FINS OUT
YAHOO, GET ON YOUR MARK
YAHOO, LET'S
DO THE SHARK
AHH
OOH
YAHOO
YAHOO
YAHOO
YAHOO
DO THE MANTA RAY
DO THE PIKE
NOW THAT'S WHATHIS SHOULD FEEL LIKE
YAHOO
YAHOO
YAHOO
AHH
OOH
DO THE SWORDFISH
MY HEART DON'T MISS
SWIMMING IN THE SEA
JUST YOU AND ME
YAHOO
YAHOO
YAHOO
YAHOO
CHAINS
MY BABY'S GOT ME
LOCKED UP IN CHAINS
AND THEY AIN'T THE KIND
THAT YOU CAN SEE
WHOA-HO
THESE CHAINS OF LOVE
GOT A HOLD ON ME, YEAH
CHAINS
WELL, I CAN'T BREAK AWAY
FROM THESE CHAINS
CAN'T RUN AROUND
'CAUSE I'M NOT FREE
WHOA-HO
THESE CHAINS OF LOVE
WON'T LET ME BE, YEAH
AAAAH
NOW BELIEVE ME
WHEN I TELL YOU
I THINK YOU'RE FINE
I'D LIKE TO LOVE YOU
BUT, DARLING,
I'M IMPRISONED BY THESE
All: CHAINS
MY BABY'S GOT ME
LOCKED UP IN CHAINS
AND THEY AIN'T THE KIND
THAT YOU CAN SEE
WHOA-HO
THESE CHAINS OF LOVE
GOT A HOLD ON ME, YEAH
CHAINS...
[CARRIAGE RETURN RINGS]
[TYPING]
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
LIONS GATE FILMS
CALL ME SAM.
I AM A WRITER
OF LITERATURE.
I STARTED WRITING
THE DAY MY GRANDFATHER
SENT MY MOM AND ME
INTO EXILE,
A DAY WHEN MOSHUMAN BEINGS
WOULD WALLOW IN SELF PITY.
I CHOSE THIS MOMENTO HONOR MY CALLING.
SO THIS IS MY STORY,
AND UNLIKE OTHER WRITERS
OF LITERATURE
I WON'T SKIP THE GOOD PARTS.
SAMUEL.
DADDY, DON'PULL THE PLANTATION
MASTER ACT WITH SAM.
HE'S INNOCENT.
NOTHING YOU TOUCH
IS INNOCENT.
ONE MORE MISTAKE,
AND THE BOY GOES TO
THE CUSTER MILITARY ACADEMY.
ARE THOSE
IMPLICATIONS CLEAR?
OH, YES,
YOUR DADDYSHIP.
SAM, COME.
BRING THE CARDS.
Sam: CASPAR CLAIMED
WE WERE BEING EXILED
FOR OUR OWN GOOD.
WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP.
THE TRUTH IS,
HE WAS PLANNING
TO RUN FOR GOVERNOR,
AND THE THOUGHT OF LYDIA
ON THE LOOSE
SCARED THE WADDING
OUT OF HIM.
DO YOU KNOW WHY
I'M SENDING YOU AND
YOUR MOM TO WYOMING?
'CAUSE LYDIA
MESSED UP AGAIN?
YOU KNOW,
THERE COMES A TIME
WHEN YOU HAVE
TO SET ASIDE
ALL CHILDISH THINGS.
BUT--
DON'T BUT GRANDPA.
GO AHEAD.
THROW 'EM IN.
Sam: I HAD A GOOD MIND
TO GO TO WYOMING AND CROAK.
THEN HE'D REALLY BE SORRY.
GOOD BOY.
GOOD BOY.
SAM CALLAHAN
LAY CLOSE TO DEATH.
IN A CRUEL TWIST OF FATE,
GIVING HIM COMFORWAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL NURSE
HE HAD EVER SEEN.
I'M SORRY. HE'S
NOT GOING TO MAKE IT.
SAM. I'M SORRY THAT I
SHIPPED YOU AND YOUR MOM
OUT INTO THE WILDERNESS
WHEN YOU NEEDED TO BE
HOME MOST OF ALL.
COULD YOU FORGIVE ME
BEFORE YOU DIE, SAM?
Lydia: HOLD ON, SUGAR.
[BEEP BEEP BEEP]
I...CAN'T.
[BEEP BEEP]
[MONITOR FLATLINES]
SO WHAT DID YOU DO
TO HACK CASPAR OFF
SO MUCH?
NOT A THING.
NOT ONE IOTA
OF MISCONDUCT.
YOU TOLD ME
ABOUT THE CUBAN
AND THE STRIP SHOW
ON THE SAILBOAT.
NOW, IS THIS ONE SO BAD
THAT YOU CAN'T TELL ME
ABOUT IT?
JUST THINK WHAI'M LIABLE TO IMAGINE?
I'M AS INNOCENT AS SNOW.
Sam: WHEN HORACE GREELEY
SAID, "GO WEST, YOUNG MAN,"
I DON'T THINK THIS IS
WHAT HE HAD IN MIND.
LYDIA DROVE 2,000 MILES
WITH THE TOP DOWN.
SHE HAD NO CONCEPOF ALTITUDE OR TEMPERATURE
AND COULDN'T READ A MAP,
SO I NAVIGATED.
WE'D MADE AN OATH
THAT GRANDPA WOULD
NEVER SEPARATE US.
SO AS WE DROVE FURTHER
AND FURTHER FROM HOME,
IT FELT LIKE WE
WERE ORPHANS TOGETHER,
AND THE FIRST SOUTHERNERS
EVER LOST IN WYOMING.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
[BASEBALL TEAM CHATTER]
First Boy: ...PLAY.
Second Boy:
COME ON, JIMMY.
HEY, SISSY BOY.
THIS ONE'S
FOR YOU, HONEY.
Third Boy:
GET READY FOR THIS ONE.
WHOA!
Second Boy: HE'S NOGOING TO GET IT.
GO GET IT.
GO GET IT.
RUN! COME ON.
First Girl:
LOOK OUT!
HEY, WATCH IT!
[LAUGHTER]
SHARP MOVE,
PINHEAD.
[LAUGHTER]
[BELL RINGS]
P.A.: ATTENTION,
STUDENTS AND FAULTY.
THE PEP RALLY FOR FRIDAY'S
FOOTBALL GAME
WILL BE AFTER SECOND PERIOD.
AT 2 P.M. TODAY, WE WILL
CONDUCT OUR A-BOMB DRILL.
REMEMBER, STUDENTS,
DUCK AND COVER.
[P.A. STATIC]
HI.
I'M HOWARD STEBBINS.
SAM CALLAHAN.
OK, GANG.
OPEN HUCKLEBERRY FINN
TO PAGE 47
AND GO ON TO TWAIN'S
BRILLIANT USE
OF NEGRO DIALECT.
BRILLIANT, MY EYE.
NO ONE
TALKS LIKE THAT.
WELL, WHY DO YOU SUPPOSE
TWAIN WROTE IN DIALECIF NO ONE TALKS LIKE THAT?
HE WANTED HUCK
TO SEEM STUPID
AND JIM
EVEN STUPIDER.
I'VE HEARD SOUTHERN
ACCENTS ON TV,
AND NO ONE TALKS
LIKE THAT.
WELL, HUCK IS FROM MISSOURI,
WHICH ISN'T THE SOUTH.
HEH, WHOOP-DI-DO.
[LAUGHTER]
WE KNOW THAMARK TWAIN WAS ONE
OF THE GREAT PROPONENTS
OF EQUAL RIGHTS FOR ALL.
NOW, WE APPRECIATE THAT HERE
IN THE EQUALITY STATE.
WELL, YEAH,
BUT TWAIN HATED JEWS.
ARE YOU JEWISH?
NO.
WELL, HOW DO YOU KNOW
HE HATED JEWS?
WELL, I CAN READ.
HOW CAN YOU SAY THAWHEN YOU HATE NEGROES?
I DON'T HATE NEGROES.
BUT YOU'RE FROM THE SOUTH.
EVERYONE IN THE SOUTH
HATES NEGROES.
YOU CAN'T DENY IT.
[LAUGHTER]
WE CAN'T STAY HERE, MOM.
OUR RELATIONSHIP
IS BASED ON
MUTUAL RESPECT, SAM.
YOU MUST NEVER
FLING IN MY FACE
THE FACT THAI'M A MOTHER.
THESE KIDS
ARE NAZIS...LYDIA.
IT'S LIKE THE ENTIRE
SCHOOL WAS SPAWNED
BY THE MATING
OF FIRST COUSINS.
WELL, I BET THAT'S WHY
NONE OF THE MEN HERE
HAVE CHINS.
EVEN THE TEACHER'S
A FIRST DEGREE
IGNORAMUS.
THAT GOES.
I WILL NOT HAVE THE DEAD
PASSING FOR ART.
ONLY CASPAR WOULD PICK
A HOUSE THAT HAS THAT.
I MADE A DECISION
ABOUT THIS BANISHMENT DEAL.
SHOULD I BE TOLD?
THE WAY I CONDUCTED
OUR LIFE BACK IN CAROLINA
DIDN'T WORK.
I'LL SAY.
SO...
I'M CALLING A TIME-OUT.
NO MORE CONNECTIONS
FOR A WHILE.
AS OF THIS MOMENT,
I'M DECLARING MYSELF
AN EMOTIONAL CATATONIC.
WELL, HOW'S A CATATONIC
SUPPOSED TO RAISE A KID?
WE'LL NEGOTIATE
AN ARRANGEMENT.
NOW STAND UP STRAIGHT.
A GAL IS JUDGED
BY HER POSTURE.
WHY DO I HAVE TO GO?
BECAUSE OUR NEW
NEIGHBORS ARE SOUTHERN,
AND WHAT WOULD THEY
THINK IF WE DIDN'GO OUT OF OUR WAY TO
MAKE THEM FEEL AT HOME?
BUT THE KID'S A SQUIRREL.
GENTLEWOMEN
DO NOT COMPARE PEOPLE
TO ANIMALS, DEAR.
WHAT?
WELCOME WAGON.
HI, I'M
LAURABEL PIERCE,
AND THIS IS MY
DAUGHTER MAUREY,
AND WE'D LIKE
TO WELCOME YOU
TO GROVONT,
THE FRIENDLIESLITTLE TOWN
IN WYOMING.
HOW QUAINT.
LOOK, SAMMY.
IT'S THE WELCOME WAGON.
HI.
NOW WHAT HAVE WE HERE?
OH, THIS IS
A SURVIVAL KIT,
YOU KNOW,
FOR MOVING INTO
THE NEW HOUSE.
THIS IS FOR YOU.
CHICKEN POT PIE?
YEAH, THE GOOD KIND
WITH BOTTOM CRUST.
MAUREY'S DAD CAN'ABIDE POT PIES
WITHOUT GOOD
BOTTOM CRUST.
"QUICK MEALS
FOR THE HARRIED
HOUSEWIFE."
YES, AND EVERY RECIPE
STARTS WITH A CAN
OF CREAM OF MUSHROOM
SOUP.
WELL, FUCK ME SILLY.
DO I LOOK LIKE
A HOUSEWIFE TO YOU?
NO.
WELL, WE
JUST WANTED YOU
TO FEEL AT HOME
IN GROVONT.
OH, SAM AND I WON'BE HERE LONG ENOUGH
TO MINGLE
WITH THE NATIVES.
THERE SHE IS.
UH, DOT!
OH, KEEP YOUR PANTS
ZIPPED, JACK.
I'LL BE WITH YOU
WHEN I'M WITH YOU.
HER NAME IS DOT.
WELL, SHE SHOULD
SUE HER PARENTS.
WHAT KIND OF WOMAN
WOULD NAME A CHILD "DOT?"
SO YOU'RE
THE FOLKS RENTING
DOC WARDELL'S PLACE.
THE GUYS PAID ME
$1.00 APIECE TO FIND OUIF YOU'RE SINGLE.
TELL THE GUYS
I HAVE 5 HUSBANDS:
EACH ONE RICH,
MEAN, AND JEALOUS.
I'LL BE ROTATING THEM
THROUGH ON A WEEKLY BASIS.
THAT LINE WILL BE
ALL OVER THE VALLEY
BY BREAKFAST.
OH, JUST TELL 'EM
I OWN A RIFLE.
SO WHAT HAPPENED IN
THE SEVENTH GRADE TODAY?
YOU REALLY WANT TO HEAR?
IF I DON'T WANT TO HEAR,
CASPAR WILL SEND YOU
TO THE CUSTER
MILITARY ACADEMY,
AND WE WOULDN'WANT THAT, WOULD WE?
UH, IN SOCIAL STUDIES
MISS SHEETS TAUGHT US
HOW TO WRITE A CHECK.
WHY, YOU'VE BEEN WRITING
CHECKS SINCE YOU WERE 6.
YEAH.
AND, UH,
I THINK I'M IN LOVE
WITH MAUREY PIERCE.
THAT'S NICE.
HOW DO YOU KNOW
YOU'RE IN LOVE?
'CAUSE I
CAN'T STAND HER.
WELL, THAT'S
ALWAYS A GOOD SIGN.
SHE HATES MY GUTS.
CALLED ME PINHEAD.
SOUNDS LIKE LOVE TO ME.
YOU BETTER EAT THAT FAST.
THAT GRAVY'S
TURNING TO AXLE GREASE.
YOU KNOW WHY
I LIKE YOU MORE
THAN THE OTHER BOYS?
'CAUSE WE'RE THE ONLY
2 KIDS IN SEVENTH GRADE
WHO CAN READ?
NO, SILLY.
BECAUSE YOU'RE SO HANDSOME.
[RECORD SCRATCHES
THEN STARTS PLAYING]
AFTER YOU'VE GONE
AND LEFT ME CRYIN'
AFTER YOU'VE GONE
THERE'S NO DENYIN'
YOU'LL FEEL BLUE
YOU'LL FEEL SAD
YOU'LL MISS
THE SWEETEST GAL
YOU EVER HAD
[CLINK] WHAH!
YOU'RE LICKING
THE MIRROR.
I'M MAKING CONTACT.
WITH WHO?
MYSELF.
SAM...
YOU EVER HAD A STIFFY?
MOM.
I JUST REALIZED THAT--
IT'S BEEN YEARS SINCE
I SAW YOUR LITTLE WEENIE,
AND IT WAS SO CUTE
WHEN YOU WERE A BABY.
WE HAD THIS
BLACK SPECKLED BASIN
I USED TO WASH YOU IN,
AND YOU WOULD
ALWAYS PEE STRAIGHT UP.
MOM...
I HATE WHEN YOU TALK
ABOUT CUTE NAKED STUFF
I DID WHEN I WAS LITTLE.
HMPH.
UH, MOM, MOM,
MOM.
SSSS.
I DIDN'T LET MYSELF GO.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW WHEN
GULLIVER TRAVELED
TO THE LAND OF YAHOOS,
HE MUST HAVE COME HERE.
I THINK HE JUSINSULTED YOU, LANELL.
I DON'T CARE.
WHAT KIND OF
SHOW-OFF STUDIES
ON THE BUS ANYWAYS?
THIS ISN'A SCHOOLBOOK.
THIS IS
LITERATURE.
Twins: LITTER-TOUR,
LITTER-TOUR.
WHAT LITERATURE?
UH, "IT'S A CLASSIC
COMING OF AGE STORY
"PORTRAYING ONE WOMAN'S
POIGNANT EXPERIENCES:
LIFE, LOVE, AND SEX."
WHAT DO YOU
KNOW ABOUT SEX?
WELL, AFTER
I FINISH THIS BOOK
I'LL KNOW
A LOT MORE THAN YOU.
NOT THAT KNOWING MORE
ABOUT SEX THAN YOU DO
IS A CHALLENGE.
[TWINS LAUGH]
AMEN.
HAVE YOU BEEN SAVED?
FROM WHAT?
YOU'LL GO TO HELL
UNLESS YOU FINISH
EVERY BIT OF THAT.
IF A PERSON GOES TO HELL
FOR NOT FINISHING
A TUNA CROQUETTE,
I THINK
I LOST MY SALVATION
A LONG TIME AGO.
YOU COMING?
YEAH. SURE.
HOW'S IT GOING, SAM?
COULDN'T BE BETTER, SIR.
I DON'T KNOW
IF YOU'VE HEARD,
BUT WE'RE MIGHTY PROUD
OF OUR FOOTBALL TEAM
HERE AT GROVONT HIGH.
HOW'D YOU
LIKE TO SIGN UP?
WELL, I'D LIKE TO, SIR,
BUT MY MOM NEEDS ME AT HOME.
SHE HASN'T ADJUSTED
TO THE LACK OF HUMIDITY YET.
SEE, THE THING IS,
IT TAKES 22 PLAYERS
TO HOLD A PRACTICE,
AND I'VE ONLY GOT 21,
AND HALF OF THEM STILL
SUCK THEIR MAMA'S TIAT NIGHT.
WELL, I NO LONGER NURSE,
SIR.
LET ME EXPLAIN TO YOU
THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN AN "A"
ME COMING OUT FOR FOOTBALL?
NOW, THAT'S
THE OLD SCHOOL SPIRIT.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
JUMP TO THE LEFT.
JUMP TO THE RIGHT.
SIT DOWN. STAND UP.
FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT.
YEAH, WHOO!
ALL RIGHT, BOYS.
LET'S HAVE A LITTLE GAME
OF SMEAR THE QUEER
WITH THE BALL, HERE.
HEY, SAMMY. WHY
DON'T YOU TELL US ALL
HOW YOUR
MAMA'S HOOTERS FEEL?
ABOUT THE SAME
AS YOUR SISTER'S.
I AIN'T GOT A SISTER,
STUPID.
7-43, HUT, HUT.
All: UHH!
Player: DOTHAN
SURE GOT HIM GOOD.
Dothan:
YOU THINK HE'S HURT?
Stebbins:
NO, HE'S JUSPLAYING POSSUM.
SISSY BOY.
COME ON, GET UP.
[GROANS]
Stebbins:
COME ON, SAM. GET UP.
GET UP!
TV: COVERAGE CONTINUES
ON THE ASSASSINATION
OF PRESIDENJOHN F. KENNEDY.
AT 12:35
CENTRAL STANDARD TIME,
PRESIDENT KENNEDY
WAS SHOAS HIS MOTORCADE PASSED
THROUGH DOWNTOWN DALLAS.
GOVERNOR CONNALLY
WAS ALSO SHOT.
THOUSANDS OF MOURNERS
HAVE GATHERED
AT PARKLAND
MEMORIAL HOSPITAL
TO MOURN
THE PASSING OF OUR--
[THUNDER]
[CRYING]
PA-POP, POP.
[LAUGHTER]
THEY KILLED
PRESIDENT KENNEDY.
ARE YOU SURE?
IT'S ON THE NEWS.
WELL, WHO KILLED HIM?
TEXANS.
Y'ALL CRYIN'
OVER THE NIGGER LOVER?
SHUT UP, DOTHAN.
HEY, YOU KNOW
WHAT ALL THE KIDS
ARE GETTING FOR
CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR?
A JACK-IN-THE-BOX.
I NEVER KNEW YOU CARED.
OW.
[DOTHAN LAUGHS]
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING, BOY!
HUH, HUH?
TRYING TO TAKE
UP FOR YOUR
GIRLFRIEND?!
HUH?!
WHAT THE HELL
IS YOUR PROBLEM,
BOY?!
Maurey:
STOP IT.
HELL, THEY
STARTED IT, COACH.
Stebbins:
LAY OFF.
THAT LITTLE
BASTARD'S LIBEL
TO HURT SOMEBODY.
THE PRESIDENT IS DEAD,
AND HE WAS CELEBRATING.
Girl: LET'S
GET OUT OF HERE.
Maurey: LET'S
GET OUT OF HERE.
Sam: WHERE?
WE CAN WATCH THE NEWS
AT MY HOUSE.
YOU THINK
THEY'LL MISS US?
ALL THE RULES
ARE OFF TODAY, SAM.
NOTHING WE DO MATTERS.
Sam: I GUESS IT ALL DEPENDS
ON YOUR PERSPECTIVE.
AS THE REST OF THE COUNTRY
WAS MOURNING
THEIR GREAT LOSS,
THINGS WERE ACTUALLY
STARTING TO LOOK UP FOR ME.
WHAT DO YOU BEMOM WILL HAVE HEARD
ABOUT THE ASSASSINATION,
BUT IT'S HAD NO EFFECON HER AT ALL?
SHE'LL BE BAKING
COOKIES AND WAXING
THE KITCHEN FLOOR.
MY MOM'S NEVER BAKED
A COOKIE IN HER LIFE.
COME ON.
OH, YOU'RE HOME
EARLY.
THEY LET US OUT ON ACCOUNOF THE ASSASSINATION.
ISN'T IT A SHAME
ABOUT MR. KENNEDY?
I WONDER IF THEY'LL
LET PETEY OUT EARLY, TOO,
THIS AFTERNOON?
WELL, I'LL JUSFINISH THESE UP,
AND THEN I'LL MAKE US
SOME HOT COCOA.
THIS ISN'T A TIME
FOR HOT COCOA, MOM.
IT'S ALWAYS
A TIME FOR COCOA.
THE WHOLE WORLD'S GONE STRAIGHTO HELL IN A HANDBASKET.
I HAD TO COME DOWN HERE
BECAUSE MY TELEVISION
IS OUT OF ORDER.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
I DON'T HAVE A TV.
OH, IT'S BEEN YEARS
SINCE I MET ANYONE
WHO DIDN'OWN A TELEVISION.
YOU MUST NOT MEEMANY INDIANS.
YOU'RE AN INDIAN?
BLACKFEET.
MY DADDY
CAN'T STAND INDIANS.
Announcer: OUR COUNTRY
CONTINUES TO MOURN...
Maurey: I WISH
MY DAD WAS HERE.
Sam: WHERE IS HE?
WE HAVE A HORSE RANCH
10 MILES UP IN THE MOUNTAINS,
AND HE HAS TO FEED EVERY DAY
SO HE STAYS OUT THERE
MOST OF THE WINTER.
WHAT'S YOUR DAD DO?
I DON'T HAVE A FATHER.
DID HE DIE?
LYDIA WON'T TELL ME
ANYTHING ABOUT HIM.
WHEN SHE'S DRUNK
SHE CLAIMS VIRGIN BIRTH,
LIKE MARY AND JESUS.
I'D LIKE TO SEE
MY MOM DRUNK.
IT'S NOT THAT NEAT.
SHE HAS THESE PICTURES
OF 5 GUYS
IN OLD FOOTBALL UNIFORMS
IN HER PANTY BOX.
HER PANTY BOX?
I KIND OF FIGURE ONE OF THEM
MIGHT BE MY DAD.
WHAT WERE YOU DOING
IN YOUR MOTHER'S PANTY BOX?
ONE OF THE GUYS IS A NEGRO.
MOM! I'M HOME!
HEY! WE'RE WATCHING THAT!
THIS STINKS.
[WHINEY] MOM!
MAUREY WON'T LET ME
WATCH ROCKY.
YOU KNOW
HE WATCHES ROCKY
EVERY AFTERNOON.
WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU?
LOOK, BRAT.
THE PRESIDENT OF OUR COUNTRY
IS DEAD.
SOME THINGS
ARE MORE IMPORTANTHAN ROCKY
THE FLYING SQUIRREL!
DADDY!
HEY.
HOW'S MY FAVORITE GIRL?
UH...HI.
HI.
LYDIA, THERE'S AN INDIAN
IN OUR KITCHEN.
OH, THAT'S HANK.
HE'S BLACKFOOT--
OR FEET,
I GET IT MIXED UP.
HANK KNOWS
LOADS OF NIFTY STUFF
ABOUT THE FOREST.
YOU WENINTO THE FOREST?
OH, IT WAS A HOOT, SAM.
I TRIED SOMETHING NEW.
HOW ABOUT THAT?
HOW ABOUT THAT.
WELL, YOU DIDN'EXPECT ME
TO STAY ON THIS COUCH
FOREVER, DID YOU?
SO WHAT'S HANK
DOING IN OUR KITCHEN?
HE'S FIXING SUPPER.
SOME STAPLE HE SAID GOT HIS
TRIBE THROUGH HARD WINTERS.
GOD, CASPAR'S
GONNA PASS A BRICK.
OH, ISN'T IT WONDERFUL?
HANK, HONEY,
WHAT'S THAT INDIAN THING
YOU'RE MAKING?
MACARONI AND CHEESE.
[ROARS]
AAH!
WELCOME WAGON.
EWW!
JEEZ.
YUCK.
EXPLAIN THIS.
SAMMY?
LYDIA, I THINK
THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME.
I MUST BE SICK
OR SOMETHING.
YOU BLEW YOUR NOSE
IN YOUR SOCK?
THIS DIDN'T COME
FROM MY NOSE.
YOU MASTURBATED?
I WOKE UP WITH THIS STUFF
ALL OVER ME.
WERE YOU DREAMING
RIGHT BEFORE YOU WOKE UP?
[PATS COUCH]
WAS THERE A GIRL
IN YOUR DREAM?
DID YOU RECOGNIZE HER?
SHE KISSED ME,
AND I FELT FUNNY.
YOU HAD A WET DREAM,
HONEY BUNNY.
BOYS HAVE 'EM
ALL THE TIME.
WELL, DO SOMETHING
WITH IT.
YOU KNOW,
THINGS LIKE THIS
DON'T HAPPEN TO
BOYS WITH FATHERS.
SO CRUCIFY ME.
EVERY KID IN WYOMING PROBABLY
KNOWS WHAT A WET DREAM IS,
AND THEY'RE LAUGHING AT ME
RIGHT NOW,
CALLING ME A SQUIRREL.
POOR SAMMY.
YOU JUST MOVED A STEP CLOSER
TO BEING A GROWN-UP.
Sam: I COULDN'T WAIT TO TELL
MAUREY WHAT I'D LEARNED.
I EXPLAINED
THE WHOLE PROCESS TO HER,
EXCEPT THE PARWHERE HER MOM
TRIGGERED THE MESS
ON MY BELLY.
HOW MUCH GOO
CAME OUT?
A CUP? A QUART?
NOT A QUART.
HOW MUCH, THEN?
WELL, IT WAS ALL
SPREAD OUT.
ABOUT A THIRD-CUP.
I'LL LOSE MY VIRGINITY
SOME DAY, AND WHEN I DO,
I DON'T WANTO COME OFF IGNORANT.
I WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S
GOING ON EVERY SECOND.
[HUMMING]
DON'T YOU KIDS KNOW
THAT COFFEE WILL
STUNT YOUR GROWTH?
DOT, DO YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND
HAVE SEX?
WHY, MAUREY PIERCE,
I SHOULD WASH YOUR MOUTH
OUT WITH SOAP.
I DIDN'T SAY
A DIRTY WORD.
YOU DID SO.
SEX IS A DIRTY WORD?
WE DON'T TALK ABOUTHAT WORD
IN MIXED-GENDER COMPANY.
I'LL BE OUTSIDE.
WHILE MAUREY WAS GETTING
THE LOW-DOWN FROM DOT,
I TURNED TO MY DREAM GIRL.
I HAD SO MANY QUESTIONS.
I NEEDED SOMEONE
I COULD TALK TO,
SOMEONE
WHO WOULD BE WILLING
TO EXPLORE
THE SECRETS OF LOVE.
I NEEDED A PROFESSIONAL.
MY MOM WON'T BE HOME
FOR ANOTHER 20 MINUTES.
DO YOU WANT TO DO ME AGAIN?
I DON'T KNOW.
THAT'LL BE,
WHAT, 5 TIMES
SINCE SCHOOL LET OUTHIS AFTERNOON?
SAM, IT'S NOT ROMANTIC
TO KEEP SCORE.
SO WHAT'D SHE SAY?
SHE SAID SEX IS A WONDERFUL
AND SPECIAL EXPERIENCE
BUT CAN ONLY BE DONE RIGHWHEN 2 PEOPLE ARE IN LOVE.
GROWN-UPS ARE SO
FULL OF BULL.
I SEEN YOU
HALF THE NIGHT
Man: HEY, DELORES, PUT IIN THE CORNER POCKET.
GERONIMO!
Delores: WHOO!
YIPPEE!
Man: SHE DID IT!
THAT MEANS I GETO GO AGAIN, RIGHT?
DADDY WANTS TO RUN
FOR GOVERNOR OR SOMETHING
AND HE THINKS HAVIN'
AN ILLEGITIMATE GRANDSON
UNDERFOOWOULD CAUSE EMBARRASSMENT.
THAT'S WHY SAM AND I
HAVE BEEN BANISHED
TO THE HINTERLANDS.
I WAS GIVEN A CHOICE
BETWEEN SAM GOES
OR WE BOTH GO.
WE GOT POLITICIANS
IN MY FAMILY, TOO.
THEY'RE WORSE THAN COWDOGS.
[COYOTE HOWLS]
NOW, THIS DOESN'T MEAN
THAT WE'RE GOIN' STEADY.
YEAH.
I MEAN, WE'RE NOT EVEN DATIN'.
YOU GOT THAT?
THIS IS STRICTLY--
STRICTLY A ONE-NIGHT STAND.
NO COMMITMENTS.
I DON'T WANT TO FEEL.
GOT THAT?
[HONK]
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
[RING]
[RING]
[RING]
HELLO.
IDLE HANDS ARE
THE DEVIL'S PLAYGROUND.
GRANDPA?
EXCELLENT!
NOW HAND THE PHONE
TO YOUR MOTHER.
LYDIA?
[KNOCKS]
JEEZ, LYDIA.
GRANDPA?
LYDIA ISN'T HERE RIGHT NOW.
WELL, WHERE IS SHE?
SHE WENT FOR A JOB INTERVIEW
AT THE MORMON CHURCH.
SECRETARY OR SOMETHING.
YOUR MOTHER WILL NEVER
WORK A DAY IN HER LIFE.
LYDIA'S TURNED OVER
A NEW LEAF.
SHE'S--MUST BE THE FRESH AIR
OR SOMETHING.
SHE'S CHANGED.
SHE'S RESPONSIBLE NOW.
I CONTROL THE CASH FLOW.
I RESPECT THAT, SIR.
TELL HER
SHE DUMPS THE INDIAN
OR FACES THE WRATH
OF ALMIGHTY GOD.
THAT WOULD BE YOU?
[CLICK]
[DIAL TONE]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
[KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK]
HI, SAM.
YOUR MOM
AND 8 OTHER DRUNKS
RENTED A HOTEL ROOM
IN DUBOIS
AFTER THE BARS CLOSED
LAST NIGHT.
THEY'RE HAVING A PARTY.
MY COUSIN DELORES IS THERE.
DELORES' HUSBAND
TOLD HER MOM
IN HOPES OF GETTING DELORES
DRAGGED OUT,
BUT IT DIDN'T WORK.
WELL, I'M MAKING COFFEE.
YOU WANT SOME?
I WANT TO EXPLAIN THE RULES
BEFORE WE DO THIS.
DO WHAT?
MAKE SEX.
WHY ELSE WOULD I BE HERE?
WE'RE GONNA
PERFORM SEX NOW?
AFTER COFFEE.
IT'S TIME YOU AND I
FIND OUWHAT THE BIG DEAL IS
WITH THIS SEX THING.
DO YOU THINK LYDIA
MIGHT COME HOME TODAY?
DOUBTFUL.
YOU THINK YOU CAN
GET A STIFFY?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
THEY SORT OF COME AND GO
ON THEIR OWN.
I HAVEN'T LEARNED
HOW TO CONTROL THEM YET.
MAYBE IT'LL HAPPEN
NATURALLY.
WELL, I HEARD SOMETHING ABOUPUTTIN' IT IN THE GIRL'S MOUTH.
UGH.
I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING THAMIGHT MAKE ME THROW UP.
WE'RE BOTH VIRGINS.
I NEVER SAID I WAS A VIRGIN.
WE'RE BOTH VIRGINS.
BUT SOMEDAY WE'RE GONNA
FIND OURSELVES
DOING IT FOR REAL.
SO TODAY'S SEX ISN'T REAL?
WE'RE JUST FRIENDS
HELPING EACH OTHER
LEARN A NEW SKILL.
THIS IS PRACTICE.
SO WILL WE STILL BE
VIRGINS AFTERWARDS?
THAT'S PART OF WHAWE'RE GONNA LEARN,
WHERE THE LINE
BETWEEN VIRGINITY
AND NON-VIRGINITY IS.
HERE'S RULE NUMBER ONE:
YOU BETTER NOT SQUIRT.
AND NO KISSING.
KISSING IS MUSHY
EMOTIONAL STUFF.
WE CAN'T DO THIS IF
YOU'RE GOING TO GET MUSHY.
I PROMISE. NO MUSH.
I WISH WE DIDN'HAVE TO BE NAKED.
THAT'S A BIG PAROF DOING IT, I'M SURE.
GO ON.
YOU FIRST.
JEEZ, LOUISE.
YOUR TURN.
WELL, THIS IS AS FAR
AS I'VE DREAMED.
I'M READY TO QUIT.
SAM.
I THOUGHT YOU'D BE BIGGER.
WELL, IT SWELLS UP
WHEN IT GETS STIFF.
A HORSE'S WOODIE
IS AS BIG AS ITS LEG.
I DON'T THINK
IT'S FAIR
TO COMPARE PEOPLE
TO HORSES.
THIS DOESN'T LOOK POSSIBLE.
HORSES DO IT WITH THE STALLION
STANDING UP BEHIND THE MARE.
FORGET HORSES, OK?
YOU GOT A BETTER IDEA?
MAYBE IF I STAND
ON A CHAIR.
WELL, MY BOOKS
DON'T SAY ANYTHING
ABOUT THE GIRL
STANDING ON CHAIRS.
BOOKS SKIP THIS PARAND GO RIGHT ON
TO HOW WONDERFUL IT WAS.
WELL, MAYBE IF WE KISS.
I TOLD YOU. NO KISSING.
MAYBE IF YOU TOUCH IWITH YOUR HAND.
OK, BUT DON'T LOOK.
THAT'S MY BELLY BUTTON,
SAM.
[SAM DOES TARZAN YELL]
SAM!
HUH?
THIS IS NOWHERE NEAR
A THIRD OF A CUP.
UH!
DID WE LOSE
OUR VIRGINITIES YET?
I SURE AS HELL DIDN'T!
[STEP SQUEAKS]
Lydia: DIBS ON THE CAN!
AHH! THE HELL
WITH THAT!
OHH, CRAP IALL, ANYWAY.
Maurey: SAM, MEEMY COUSIN DELORES.
HI.
HOWDY.
MAUREY, I WON'T TELL
LAURABEL I SAW YOU HERE
IF YOU DON'T TELL HER
THAT YOU SAW ME.
WHAT'S IN THE BOTTLE?
TURPENHYDRATE
AND CODEINE.
IT'S REALLY GOOD
FOR WHEN YOU WANTO STOP DRINKING.
Lydia: WHOO!
YOUR TURN.
HI, MOM.
WHO?
HI, LYDIA.
THIS IS MY FRIEND MAUREY
FROM SCHOOL.
OH. WELCOME WAGON.
MY MOM MADE ME COME.
SHE THINKS
SHE'S BETTY CROCKER.
NOW, NEVER BE EMBARRASSED
BY YOUR MOTHER.
SAM'S EMBARRASSED OF ME,
AND LOOK HOW HE TURNED OUT.
Delores: HAD TO WHIZ
LIKE A RACE HORSE.
I SWEAR TO GOD
YOU DO NOT BUY
CODEINE COUGH SYRUP,
YOU RENT IT.
WHAT HAVE YOU KIDS
BEEN UP TO ALL MORNING?
GIN RUMMY.
I OWE MAUREY $3.50.
NO, WE WEREN'T.
WE WERE TRYING
TO HAVE SEX,
ONLY WE COULDN'DO IT.
WHY WERE YOU TRYING
TO HAVE SEX?
I WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT FEELS
LIKE BEFORE I HIT PUBERTY
AND HAVE TO DO IT FOR REAL,
AND I FIGURED
SAM WOULD BE MORE POPULAR
IF HE KNEW
HOW TO PLEASE GIRLS.
HE HASN'T BEEN
ALL THAT POPULAR SO FAR.
WHAT'S THE MATTER,
HONEY?
YOU HAVIN' PROBLEMS
KEEPIN' YOUR WEENIE UP?
IT STOOD UP.
BUT WE COULDN'T FIGURE OUWHERE HE SHOULD GO IN FROM.
AND THEN HE SQUIRTED.
YOUR TURN.
[SIGHS]
YOU AND YOUR MAMA HAVE
LITTLE CHATS LIKE THIS?
MY MOTHER THINKS
I'M SWEET 14
AND NEVER BEEN
KISSED.
I KNEW WHERE TO GO IN,
I THINK,
BUT IT WOULDN'T GO.
I MUST BE TOO BIG.
[LAUGHS]
NOBODY'S
TOO BIG.
WERE YOU GOOD
AND EXCITED?
EXCITED?
WET.
YEAH.
EXCITED WHEN
YOU'RE...
WET.
YEAH.
NICE AND WET.
DOWN THERE.
SHOULD I HAVE
USED WATER?
[LAUGHS] WATER
DON'T QUITE CUT IT.
CIGARETTES.
FOREPLAY IS
THE ONLY PROPER WAY
A GENTLEMAN
EXCITES A LADY.
WHAT'S FOREPLAY?
YOU KNOW, IT'S WHEN A MAN
SQUEEZES YOUR BOOBS
AND THEN WHISPERS
REAL DIRTY IN YOUR EAR.
DELORES!
LYDIA.
I WISH MY MOTHER
HAD TAKEN TIME
TO TALK TO ME
ABOUT THOSE THINGS.
ALL RIGHT.
IF YOU KIDS
ARE GONNA DO THIS,
YOU MIGHT AS WELL
DO IT RIGHT.
OH, NO.
[LAUGHING]
NOW...
MAUREY LOOKS SOMETHIN'
LIKE THAT, RIGHT?
MY EYES WERE CLOSED.
WHAT YOU WANT TO DO IS
YOU WANT TO GO IN DOWN HERE,
AND ONE OF YOU IS GONNA HAVE TO
GRAB IT AND ANGLE IT RIGHT,
'CAUSE IT'LL JUST TAKE YEARS
BEFORE IT SLIDES IN ON ITS OWN.
MM-HMM. YEARS.
NOW, 2 THINGS.
YOU TWO GO AHEAD AND PLAY
YOUR LITTLE BOY/GIRL GAMES,
BUT THE FIRST SIGN
OF A PERIOD IN MAUREY
AND THE GAME STOPS.
WHAT'S A PERIOD?
NUMBER 2...
IS A MATTER OF FORM.
YOU DON'T TALK LIKE THIS
IN FRONT OF ADULTS.
AT YOUR AGE,
SEX IS SOMETHING YOU--
YOU RUN AROUND AND HIDE.
WHY?
WELL, SOCIETY
WOULD FALL APARIF PEOPLE WERE HONESABOUT SCREWING.
SAM, LET'S GO TO YOUR ROOM
AND READ COMIC BOOKS.
YEAH. YEAH.
COMIC BOOKS SOUND FUN.
OH, I DID A BAD THING.
NO.
10-LETTER WORD
FOR LAMPOON.
UH, SATIRIZE.
IT'S TOO SHORT.
WILL YOU EXPLAIN TO ME
ABOUT WOMEN?
WOMEN ARE RIGHAND MEN ARE WRONG,
AND THAT'S ALL
YOU NEED TO KNOW.
I MEAN ABOUT LIKING.
NOW THAT MAUREY AND I
HAVE DONE IT,
WILL SHE LIKE ME?
MAUREY WILL ALWAYS HAVE
A WARM SPOT IN HER HEARWHENEVER
SHE THINKS ABOUT YOU.
BUT SHE SAYS
WE'RE JUST FRIENDS.
WELL, YOU'RE LUCKY. THAT WAY
YOU CAN HAVE THE FUN OF LOVE
WITHOUT THE HEARTBREAK.
BUT WHAT IF I LIKE HER
AND GET MY HEART BROKE
ANYWAY?
THEN YOU'RE A SUCKER.
HERE'S THE DEAL, SAM.
IF YOU SLEEP WITH A GIRL
AND AFTERWARDS
SHE LIKES YOU AS A FRIEND,
THEN SHE'S ALWAYS
GONNA LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND
AND SHE'S NEVER GONNA
LIKE YOU AS A LOVER.
AND THERE AIN'T NOTHIN'
IN THIS HELL-BITCH WORLD
YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.
Hank: ARE YOU AFRAID
TO ADMITHAT THE OTHER NIGHMEANT SOMETHING?
Lydia: WHAT HAPPENED
BETWEEN US IS JUSWHAT I LIKE MOST:
SEX WITHOUCONSEQUENCES.
HEY, MOM, I'M HOME.
Hank: IF I'M STUPID,
I GO TO JAIL.
IF YOU'RE STUPID,
YOU GET SHIPPED OFF
TO LIVE WITH THE COMMONERS
FOR A FEW MONTHS.
THE WORST THING THAT COULD
POSSIBLY HAPPEN TO YOU
IS YOU MIGHT LOSE
YOUR TRUST FUND.
WELL, I'M NOT ABOUTO SPEND THE RESOF MY LIFE
WAITIN' FOR FREE CHEESE
AT THE COUNTY
EXTENSION OFFICE.
GOT RID OF ANOTHER ONE.
WHY DON'T YOU
JUST GO SCREW
YOUR LITTLE GIRLFRIEND
AND LEAVE ME ALONE?
[ROCK 'N' ROLL MUSIC PLAYS]
WE'RE GOING ON A DOUBLE DATE
TO THE SATURDAY MATINEE.
WHAT, YOU AND ME
AND ANOTHER COUPLE?
NO, ME AND DOTHAN
AND YOU AND CHUCKETTE MORRIS.
BUT DOTHAN'S
OUR MORTAL ENEMY.
HE'S YOUR MORTAL ENEMY.
HE'S MY BOYFRIEND.
BUT DOTHAN CHEERED
WHEN JOHN KENNEDY DIED.
HE SAID "NIGGER."
HE'S JUST REPEATING CRAP
HIS JERK-RACIST DAD
SPEWS AT HOME.
HE DIDN'KNOW ANY BETTER.
WELL, HE RUBBED
OUR FACES IN THE DIRT.
AND HE APOLOGIZED.
WELL, NOT TO ME.
DOTHAN WAS JEALOUS
WHEN HE SAW US
SITTING TOGETHER.
HE'S LIKED ME
SINCE THE FIFTH GRADE.
WELL, DO YOU LIKE HIM?
THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
DOTHAN HAS A LEARNER'S
PERMIT AND A CAR.
WE CAN DOUBLE WITH YOU
AND CHUCKETTE.
WELL, I CAN'T STAND
CHUCKETTE MORRIS.
YEAH, BUT SHE LIKES YOU.
THIS IS YOUR BIG CHANCE
TO GET A DATE.
HURRY UP, SAM.
MOM WILL BE HOME SOON.
[ROCK 'N' ROLL MUSIC PLAYS]
DO THE MANTA RAY
DO THE SQUID
[CHOMPING GUM]
OOH, YEAH, BABY,
LIKE I KNEW YOU DID
DO THE LOBSTER, BABY,
DO THE EEL
YOU GONNA
KISS ME OR NOT?
WHOO, BABY,
I LIKE HOW THAT FEELS
YAHOO
YEAH, YEAH
SWIM LIKE THAYAHOO,
CHECK MY FINS OUT
WELL, YOU'LL HAVE
TO TAKE OUT YOUR GUM.
AW, BUT YOU JUSBOUGHT IT.
SUIT YOURSELF.
GOSH...
I DIDN'T KNOW
WHEN I MOVED HERE
IF I'D FIT IN, BUT...
YOU KIDS ARE REALLY GREAT!
[LAUGHS]
YAHOO
CHECK MY FINS OUYAHOO
OK, YOU WIN.
[CHOMPS,
SIGHS]
YAHOO
SWIM IT NOW
YAHOO
[SIGHS]
CHECK HER FINS OUYAHOO
GET ON YOUR MARK
YAHOO
LET'S DO THE SHARK
AAH-OOH
AH! OOH!
YOU BIT MY TONGUE!
OOH!
[GASPS]
GET HER, SAMMY.
OH, GOD.
THAT WAS DISGUSTING.
IT WAS A KISS.
WITH YOUR WET, GROSS
TONGUE HANGING OUT?
OOH, IS THAT HOW
BOYS BACK EAST KISS?
THAT'S HOW EVERYBODY
KISSES, CHARLOTTE.
IT'S NOT--THAT'S NOHOW THE NAZARENES DO IT.
DADDY SAID
BOYS WOULD TRY
TO GET ME PASSIONATE
SO THEY COULD
MAKE ME PREGNANAND RUIN MY LIFE
AND TRICK ME
INTO GOING TO HELL.
YOU DON'T SOUND
PASSIONATE.
I WASN'T READY
THAT TIME.
LET'S TRY AGAIN.
[LIPS SQUEAK]
JUST YOU AND ME
YEAH, OOH
GONNA TAKE HIM HOME
TO SAMPLE MY COOKIN'
NOT EVEN IF
MY MAMA AND DAD
WERE THERE
OH
YOU'RE HOME, SAM.
DO YOU WANNA COME IN?
LYDIA GOT SOME NEW RECORDS.
NO, THANKS.
I'LL JUST HAVE DOTHAN
TAKE ME ON HOME.
ARE YOU SURE?
GET OUOF THE CAR, SAM.
I'LL BE FINE.
HE DOESN'T SEEM
SUCH A BAD KINDA GUY
YOU'LL BE OK?
WHAT DO YOU THINK
I'M GONNA DO TO HER,
FOR CRISSAKES?
GO ON, SAM.
WAA
I'VE HEARD ABOUT HIM
BAD THINGS ABOUT HIM
I'VE HEARD ABOUT HIM
BAD THINGS ABOUHIM
I'VE HEARD ABOUT HIM
BAD THINGS ABOUT HIM
I'VE HEARD ABOUHIM
ATTA BOY, SAM.
[STUDENTS LAUGH]
I SEE DON JUAN
HAS DECIDED
TO GRACE US
WITH HIS PRESENCE.
[STUDENTS LAUGH]
HERE COMES THE BRIDE
ALL DRESSED IN WHITE
DA DA DA DA DA
DA DA DA DA DA
[STUDENTS LAUGH]
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
HEY, HEY, WHAT'S WITH
THE DON JUAN CRACK?
SO YOU SLIPPED
THE TONGUE TO CHUCKETTE.
WELL, SHE SAID "KISS ME,"
AND I KISSED HER.
SHE CLAIMS YOU WERE
SMACK DAB PASSIONATE.
WHERE'D YOU LEARN
TO KISS, ANYWAY?
JUST WATCHIN' LYDIA
AND HER BOYFRIENDS.
IF MOM LETS ME OUT,
I'LL BE OVER AFTER
DICK VAN DYKE.
MAYBE WE COULD TRY
KISSING THIS TIME.
DO YOU PRACTICE
SEX WITH DOTHAN?
[LAUGHS]
OF COURSE NOT, SILLY.
HE'S MY BOYFRIEND.
MORNING, DARLING.
[LAUGHS]
I LIKE A BOY
WHO GOES THROUGH
THE LINE WITH ME
AND CARRIES MY TRAY.
IT'S ALL RIGHT THIS TIME,
BUT YOUR MANNERS
WILL HAVE TO IMPROVE
SINCE WE'RE GOING STEADY.
WHO SAID
WE'RE GOIN' STEADY?
WELL, EVERYONE.
YOU KNOW WHAYOU DID TO ME
AT THE PICTURE SHOW.
WELL, THERE'S MORE
TO A COMMITMENT THAN
BITING SOMEONE'S TONGUE.
WELL, THAT BEHAVIOR
MAY PASS BACK EAST,
BUT HERE IN WYOMING,
WE'RE MORAL.
THAT REMINDS ME.
YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME
YOUR JACKET.
WHAT?
WELL, IT'LL BE
A LETTER JACKET NEXT YEAR.
WE'LL MAKE DO FOR NOW.
CHARLOTTE,
IT'S FREEZING OUTSIDE.
WHAT BETTER WAY
TO PROVE YOUR LOVE FOR ME
THAN TO SACRIFICE YOUR JACKEFOR MY OWN COMFORT?
WELL, I DON'T WANNA
PROVE MY LOVE.
THEY'LL--THEY'LL THINK
YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF ME.
THEY'LL SAY I'M CHEAP.
Dothan: COME ON, MAUREY,
LET'S GO.
[SIGHS]
JESUS.
Sam: HANK'S TRUCK OUT FRONWAS A GOOD SIGN.
THE PIPES HAD BEEN FROZEN
WHEN I LEFT FOR SCHOOL,
WHICH PUT LYDIA
IN AN EVEN NASTIER MOOD
THAN SHE HAD BEEN IN
SINCE THEIR FIGHT.
I FIGURED THEY WERE UPSTAIRS
HAVIN' A MAKEUP ORGY.
I WAS GLAD FOR THEM.
THEY REALLY SEEMED
TO LIKE EACH OTHER,
BUT AFTER ALL,
YOUR MOM IS YOUR MOM,
AND I'D HOPED THEY'D
HEAR ME AND STOP.
I WASN'T IN THE MOOD
TO HEAR MOANS AND GROANS
FROM MY OWN MOTHER.
MOM.
MOM.
MOM.
[KNOCKS]
LYDIA?
HI, HONEY BUNNY.
HI, LYDIA.
HANK CRAWLED
UNDER THE HOUSE
WITH A TORCH
AND THAWED THE PIPES.
WASN'T THAT NICE OF HIM?
GIVE US A SIP.
Lydia: UM, THERE'S
A LETTER FROM CASPAR
ON THE KITCHEN TABLE.
YEAH, WHAT'S GRANDPA
GOT TO SAY?
AW, USUAL THREATS.
NOTHIN' FOR YOU
TO WORRY ABOUT.
WE ARE LIVIN'
SO CLEAN AND WHOLESOME
HERE IN WYOMING,
EVEN CASPAR
CAN'T TOUCH US.
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS]
TA-DA.
[LAUGHS]
I DIDN'T HAVE
TIME TO WRAP IT.
WELL, WHAT ELSE
WERE YOU DOIN'?
NOW
YOU CAN LISTEN
TO YOUR STUPID
BASEBALL GAMES
ALL NIGHT.
[LAUGHS]
THANKS, MOM.
SAM.
I MEAN, THANKS, LYDIA.
MMM.
YUCK.
MMM.
YUCK.
MY PRESENT'S
OUT IN THE BACK.
SO, WE GONNA KEEP HIM?
DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
HE'S NOT A SWEATER.
I NEVER SAID
HE WAS.
BESIDES, WE WON'BE HERE THAT LONG.
HAPPY CHRISTMAS.
WHAT'S THAT?
BY TRADITION,
IT OUGHTA BE A HORSE,
BUT I WASN'T SURE
YOU WANTED ONE.
SAM HELPED ME
CHOOSE IT.
HEY, I TOLD HIM
YOU'D NEVER GET ON IT.
NOT IN A MILLION YEARS.
WELL, YOU GOTHAT RIGHT.
YEP, I SAID CASPAR
WON'T LET YOU RIDE A BIKE.
WHOO!
[SAM LAUGHS]
[HANK LAUGHS]
COME ON, SAM.
Sam: ALL RIGHT.
YAHOO.
HEY.
I'LL GIVE YOU 5 BUCKS
IF YOU CAN KNOCK
MY COWBOY HAT OFF.
Maurey: COME ON,
CATCH UP.
Sam: YEAH.
SEE? I CAN RIDE.
LOOK, NO HANDS.
YEAH, RIGHT.
WELL, ONE HAND.
I'M GONNA--
I'M GONNA...
[LAUGHS]
DON'T RUN ME OVER.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
WHOA!
Lydia: HEY, BABY,
YOU OK?
WE SHOULD HAVE GOT HER
THAT DAMN HORSE.
[LAUGHS]
[BOTH LAUGH]
Hank: CATCH HER!
THIS AIN'T SO HARD.
COME ON, HURRY UP.
[LAUGHS]
GET BACK HERE, LYDIA!
HE CARES FOR ME LIKE
I HOPED HE WOULD NOW
SOMETHIN' TELLS ME
I'M INTO SOMETHIN' GOOD
SOMETHIN' TELLS ME
I'M INTO SOMETHIN'
SOMETHIN' TELLS ME
I'M INTO SOMETHIN'
TIME OUT.
GOOD
MAUREY DOESN'LOVE ME, SAM.
SHE LOVES YOU.
YOU CAN HAVE HER.
WELL, THAT'S AWFULLY
SPORTING OF YOU.
NO SWEAT...
I'M IN LOVE
WITH ANOTHER.
WHEN HE GOT ME HOME
AND HE HELD MY HAND
I KNEW IT WOULDN'T BE
JUST A ONE-NIGHT STAND
'CAUSE HE ASKED
TO SEE ME NEXT WEEK
AND I TOLD HIM HE COULD
HE ASKED TO SEE ME AND I
TOLD HIM HE COULD, WELL
SOMETHIN' TELLS ME
I'M INTO SOMETHIN' GOOD
SOMETHIN' TELLS ME
I'M INTO SOMETHIN'
SOMETHIN' GOOD
OH, YEAH
SOMETHIN' GOOD
SOMETHIN' TELLS ME
I'M INTO SOMETHIN'
SOMETHIN' TELLS ME
I'M INTO SOMETHIN' GOOD
IS LYDIA HERE?
YEAH, WE'RE GOIN'
ON A PICNIC.
YOU WANNA COME?
IS LYDIA COMING?
WELL, YEAH.
Lydia: HANK
PROMISED WE'D SEE
A MAGNIFICENT VIEW
OF THE LAKE.
HE'D BETTER NOBE LYIN'
HEY, LOOK.
IN NATURE, A PERSON
CAN BE IDEALISTIC.
YOU CAN BELIEVE
IN THINGS.
WELL, LIKE WHAT?
LIKE BEAUTY...
AND THE NOBILITY
OF HUMANS.
PEOPLE IN THE CITIES
CANNOT BELIEVE
IN NOBILITY
BECAUSE THEY SEE
NO SIGN OF IT.
I JUST LOVE IWHEN HE TALKS
LIKE CHIEF JOSEPH.
HOW CAN YOU TELL
IF YOU'RE PREGNANT?
WELL, THE GAME
WAS SUPPOSED TO END
WHEN YOU GOYOUR FIRST PERIOD.
I HAVEN'T HAD
A PERIOD YET.
W-WHAT'S A PERIOD?
WELL, I...
I HARDLY KNOW
WHAT BEING PREGNANFEELS LIKE MYSELF.
I WAS ONLY
WITH CHILD ONCE,
AND I WASN'MUCH OLDER THAN YOU.
I'M JUST A KID.
I CAN'T HAVE A BABY.
SEE? THAT'S WHAI THOUGHT.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
YOU DIDN'T CALL ME
THIS WEEKEND.
I DON'T KNOW
WHY I GO STEADY
WITH YOU.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO CALL ME
AT LEAST ONCE A DAY.
SHARON'S BOYFRIEND
CALLS HER HOUSE
A DOZEN TIMES
A DAY,
AND THEN LETS
THE PHONE RING ONCE
AND THEN HANGS UP
JUST TO LET HER KNOW
HE STILL LOVES HER,
AND THIS MORNING,
YOU DIDN'T EVEN
NOTICE MY NEW SKIRT.
I WAS SO APPALLED.
I MEAN, EVEN RODNEY
MADE A COMPLIMENT,
AND DID
I GET ANYTHING
FROM YOU? NO.
IT HURTS.
I'M TRYING TO LOOK
NICE FOR YOU.
I MEAN, YOU ARE
MY BOYFRIEND.
IF THIS RELATIONSHIP
DOESN'T STARTO COME
TO MY END OF IT,
THEN I'M AFRAID THIS
WILL NOT WORK OUT.
[CRIES]
ARE YOU OK?
WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
WELL, IF YOU'RE PREGNANT,
I'LL MARRY YOU.
SAM, I CAN'T MARRY YOU.
WHY NOT?
I'M 14 YEARS OLD.
[CRIES]
Lydia: IT'S NOT GONNA
BE THAT BAD, HONEY.
OH, SHH, WAIT, SHH.
SHH. ONE SECOND.
WHOA.
WE CAN RENT AN APARTMENT.
I'LL GET A JOB.
OH, SAM.
DON'T BE A SQUIRREL.
ARE YOU COMIN'
OR NOT?
YEAH.
GOOD, YOU NAVIGATE.
YOU KNOW,
NOBODY ASKED ME
WHAT I WANTED TO DO
ABOUT THE BABY.
NO, NO ONE'S
GOING TO, EITHER.
Lydia: DELORES SAYS
THIS IS A NASTY TOWN,
AND SHE DOESN'T MEAN
"NASTY" IN A NICE WAY.
I'VE GOTTA BE HOME
BEFORE MOM GETS BACK
FROM IDAHO FALLS.
Lydia: WELL,
LET'S DO IT, THEN.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
THEY'RE READY
FOR YOU.
THIS IS THE SHITS.
YOU'RE GONNA BE OK.
I KNOW.
Nurse: RIGHT THIS WAY,
SWEETHEART.
HERE YOU ARE,
DEAR.
Girl: THANK YOU.
I DON'T KNOW
WHY WE'RE HERE.
[CLINKING]
SAM, STOP FIDGETING.
I'M GONNA GO WAIIN THE WAITING ROOM.
FINE.
SAM.
[CRIES]
MAUREY.
OH, LET'S GO.
Woman: MAUREY.
MAUREY.
[CRIES]
[CRIES]
Lydia: LAURABEL PIERCE
AND COACH STEBBINS?
IT PUTS NEW MEANING
INTO WELCOME WAGON.
DADDY.
[CRIES]
OH, I'M SORRY.
DADDY.
HOW COULD MAUREY
AND HER MOM
HAVE AN ABORTION
AT THE SAME TIME?
[CRIES]
THERE'S ONLY ONE
CLINIC DOIN' 'EM
FOR HUNDREDS
OF MILES,
AND THEN ONLY
ON SATURDAYS.
I BET THERE NEVER WAS
THAT BRIDGE CLUB
IN IDAHO FALLS.
WHILE DADDY'S
UP AT THE RANCH
TAKING CARE
OF THE HORSES,
MOM'S NAKED
WITH HOWARD STEBBINS
STICKING HIS GREASY
THING IN HER.
I HATE MOTHERS.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
Lydia: ARE YOU SURE
YOU DON'T WANNA
COME HOME WITH US?
Maurey: I HAVE TO FIX
PETEY'S SUPPER.
MOM MIGHT NOT MAKE IHOME TILL LATE.
SAM, SHE'S BAREFOOT.
OH.
I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.
SO, ARE WE GONNA
KEEP THE BABY?
I CAN'T THINK
ABOUT THAT NOW, SAM.
OK.
THESE FOOLISH TEARS
I'M CRYIN' OVER YOU
THIS FOOLISH HEARWHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU?
WHAT ELSE TO DO
I DESERVE
SOME FUN TONIGHT.
RAISIN' KIDS IS A LOOF RESPONSIBILITY.
HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?
THE WORLD'S
STILL CALLIN'
WELL, WHAT DOES
THAT INFER?
BE TRUE
I DIDN'T KNOW SHE
WOULD GET PREGNANT.
YOU KNOW, I'VE JUSABOUT HAD IWITH YOUR
JUDGMENTAL ATTITUDE.
THOSE KIDS WERE 14,
AND YOU TAUGHT THEM
SEX GAMES.
YOUR FATHER
IS RIGHT.
SAM COULDN'BE WORSE OFF IN
A MILITARY SCHOOL.
ALL THOSE HOURS
THAT I SPENT HERE
YOU FINISHED WITH THAT?
MAKIN' NICE
[ALL GASP]
COME ON, DOUGIE,
DANCE WITH ME.
HEY. COME ON.
BUT I'VE LIED TO MYSELF
THAT YOU'D STILL WAIT
YOU SHOULD HAVE CHANGED
[DOOR LATCH
UNLOCKS]
[DOOR SLAMS]
Lydia: COME ON, DOUGIE.
YEAH.
[CAR TIRES SCREECH]
WHO DO YOU HAVE
TO FUCK IN THIS JOINTO GET A CUP OF COFFEE?
I HEARD HANK'S TRUCK
LAST NIGHT.
HE KNOWS WHAYOU WERE DOING.
SO SHOOT ME.
HEY.
LYDIA.
WELL, YOU GONNA
HAVE THE BABY?
I GUESS SO.
REALLY?
WHY ARE YOU SO HAPPY?
I DON'T KNOW.
I GUESS I'M JUST READY
TO BE A FATHER.
MORNIN', LADIES.
MMM.
[TIRES SCREECH]
WHAT'S HANK DOIN'?
Dot: WHAT'S THAT HE'S GOT?
THAT'S OUR MOOSE.
HE'S DRUNKER
THAN A SKUNK.
HANK DOESN'T DRINK.
MAYBE HE'S SICK.
OH, SHOOT.
[SCREAMS]
HEY, BUTT-FACE.
DON'T CALL ME
BUTT-FACE.
MAUREY'S PREGNANT.
YOU COULD HAVE HURT HER.
YOUR MOTHER'S A WHORE.
YEAH, WELL, THAT STILL
DOESN'T GIVE YOU THE RIGHTO HURT MAUREY.
I'M SORRY...
BUT YOUR MOTHER'S
STILL A WHORE.
[TIRES SCREECH]
YOU OK?
ANOTHER PITIFUL MAN
PUT HIS HOPES ON YOU,
AND YOU TOOK HIM DOWN.
FUCK YOU, SAM.
FUCK YOU, TOO, MOM.
Sam: YOUR PARENTS HAVE
A REALLY NICE RANCH.
THANKS.
ARE YOU SURE YOU SHOULD
BE DOIN' THAT?
DAD SAYS I WAS
BORN ON A HORSE.
COME ON.
YOU MEAN, YOU WANT ME
TO GET UP THERE?
[LAUGHS]
WHY NOT, SILLY?
COME ON.
Sam: IS YOUR DAD
SUSPICIOUS YET?
Maurey:
IF WE WERE OLDER,
HE'D BE WATCHING YOU
LIKE A COYOTE.
RIGHT NOW
HIS WORST FEAR IS
LYDIA MIGHT GIVE ME
A CIGARETTE.
WHAT ABOUT YOUR MOM?
DOES SHE KNOW YOU'RE
STILL PREGNANT?
MOM WON'T SAY A WORD,
BUT I CAN TELL SHE'S
GOING NUTS TO FIND OUT.
SHE SNEAKS IN MY ROOM
WHEN SHE THINKS
I'M ASLEEP
AND STARES AT ME
FOR HOURS.
IT'S SPOOKY.
Maurey: ISN'T BEING
FRIENDS MUCH BETTER
THAN BEING
GIRLFRIEND
AND BOYFRIEND?
IF YOU WERE
MY BOYFRIEND
I'D NEVER SHOW YOU
THIS SPOBECAUSE WE MIGHBREAK UP
AND THEN WHERE
WOULD I BE?
WELL, WHERE
WOULD YOU BE?
SOMEONE I DON'LIKE WOULD KNOW
MY SECRET.
BUT I STILL WANTO HAVE SEX WITH YOU.
WE CAN'T HAVE SEX NOW.
YOU'RE MY FRIEND.
I CAN'T RISK LOSING YOU
FOR SOMETHING
AS SILLY AS SEX.
I'M CONFUSED.
YOU BIKE BACK INTO TOWN
WITHOUT ME.
I THINK I'LL
TALK TO DAD.
ARE YOU SURE?
IT'S TIME.
IS THERE ANY CHANCE
YOU MIGHSKIP THE PART ABOUWHO THE FATHER IS?
I'LL TRY,
BUT YOU AND LYDIA
BETTER LOCK
YOUR DOORS TONIGHT.
HI.
Lydia:
THANKS, SUGAR.
MAUREY TOLD HER DAD ABOUTHE BABY THIS AFTERNOON.
WHAT DO YOU THINK HE'LL DO?
BUDDY PIERCE WILL
BRAND YOUR BUTT.
ARE YOU SPEAKING
LITERALLY OR
METAPHORICALLY?
WELL, I'M GOD'S GIFTO HORSES.
WELL, YES, SIR,
BUT I ACCIDENTALLY
SQUIRTED
INTO YOUR DAUGHTER
AND, WELL, NOW SHE'S
WITH CHILD.
NO!
[CLINK CLINK]
[CLINK]
CAN I LIVE HERE
TILL THE BABY COMES?
OF COURSE.
SO, HOW'D IT GO
WITH YOUR DAD?
HE SAID I'M A SLUAND HE'S ASHAMED TO HAVE
ME AS A DAUGHTER.
[SNIFFS]
WELL, YOU PROBABLY
JUST SURPRISED HIM.
JUST GIVE HIM
A FEW DAYS. HE'LL
COME AROUND.
NO, HE WON'T.
DADDY HAS MORALS
AND I DON'T.
I'M GONNA GO SLEEP
ON THE COUCH.
NO!
THAT'S TOO FAR AWAY.
SLEEP HERE ON THE FLOOR
IN CASE I NEED YOU.
NOW, ALL YOUR LIFE
I'VE TRIED TO SEAN EXAMPLE
OF HOW TO DEAL WITH
PUBLIC DISAPPROVAL.
IT'S TIME TO SHOW ME
WHAT YOU'VE LEARNED,
HONEY BUNNY.
I FEEL LIKE
LEE HARVEY OSWALD.
IT'S LIKE WE HAVE
THE ULTIMATE COOTIES.
YEAH, I'LL SEE YOU
AT LUNCH THERE,
SAMMY-BOY.
[SOBBING]
I'M SORRY I GOMAUREY PREGNANWHILE I WAS GOING
STEADY WITH YOU.
[BELL RINGS]
SAM?
DID SHE TELL ON ME?
TELL ON YOU?
DOES HER FATHER KNOW
ABOUT...YOU KNOW?
THAT YOU AND HER MOM
SHARED AN ABORTION?
NO.
I THINK SHE LOVES
HER DAD TOO MUCH
TO TELL HIM THAYOU SCREWED HER MOM.
I HAVEN'T TALKED
TO LAURABEL
SINCE THE DAY
AT THE CLINIC.
YOU CAN TELL
MAUREY THAT.
SO YOU GOT HER AN ABORTION,
THEN DUMPED HER?
WELL, WASN'T THAT WHAI WAS SUPPOSED TO DO?
HOW'D EVERYBODY
FIND OUT?
NOW THAT I'VE TOLD DAD
IT DOESN'T MATTER
WHO ELSE KNOWS.
SO, WHO'D YOU TELL?
HIM.
SAMMY-BOY,
HOW'S IT SHAKING?
ABOUT THE SAME.
GOOD. WE STILL ON
FOR FRIDAY NIGHT?
TOWN WITHOUT PITY'S
PLAYING AT THE MOVIES.
HEY, YOU OUGHTO BRING CHUCKETTE
AND MAYBE SATURDAY NIGHWE'LL GO PARKING.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW. I'LL
HAVE TO ASK CHUCKETTE.
HE'LL HAVE
TO ASK CHUCKETTE.
THIS BOY GETS
ANY FUNNIER,
THEY'RE GONNA
PUT HIM ON TV.
HEY, HOW COME DOTHAN
DIDN'T BEAT ME UP
AT LUNCH TODAY?
HE'S AN UNDERSTANDING
KIND OF GUY.
AND I SAID I'D BREAK UP
WITH HIM
IF HE WAS MEAN TO YOU.
Sam: SPRING IN WYOMING
LASTS ALL OF 2 WEEKS
AND IS MARKED BY MUD
AND RAMPANT PREGNANCY.
WITH ALL OF NATURE
KNOCKED UP,
MAUREY AND I FELRIGHT AT HOME.
WE DISCOVERED THE BEST THING
ABOUT BEING OSTRACIZED
BY AN ENTIRE TOWN IS THAPEOPLE LEAVE YOU ALONE.
WITH HANK GONE, LYDIA WAS
CRANKIER THAN USUAL,
AND THE RISING HEADIDN'T HELP MAUREY'S
MOOD MUCH, EITHER.
SHE SAID BEING PREGNANWAS WRETCHED,
BUT TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,
IT DIDN'T BOTHER ME
THAT MUCH.
I'M GOING
FOR A BIKE RIDE.
YOU WANNA COME?
SURE.
DO YOU BRUSH
YOUR TEETH EVERY DAY?
YES, MOM.
AND USE A FRESH TOWEL
AFTER EVERY SHOWER.
I WILL.
BYE.
[HONKING]
Sam: I CAN'T BELIEVE
WE HAVE TO BRING DOTHAN.
HE'S MY BOYFRIEND, SAM.
YOU BETTER
BE NICE TO HIM.
WHAT HAPPENED
TO YOUR ARM?
MY DADDY BROKE IT.
WHY, FOR GOD'S
SAKES, WOULD
HE DO THAT?
'CAUSE I WAS
MOUTHIN' OFF.
SO HE BROKE YOUR ARM?
I DESERVED IT.
CAN WE JUST DROP IT?
DROPPED.
HOWDY, FOLKS.
YOU'RE GONNA BE GLAD
YOU CAME OUT TODAY.
WE GOT A REAL GOOD RODEO
FAIR HERE AT GROVONT.
RAINED A LITTLE EARLIER,
SUN'S OUT NICE NOW.
MUD AND BLOOD IS WHARODEO'S ALL ABOUT.
[CHEERING]
Announcer: FOLKS,
LET'S HAVE A BIG HAND
FOR JOE BRANNIGAN.
A BIG HAND IS ALL
HE'S GONNA WIN TODAY.
WHOO!
WHOO!
THE TIMED MASTERY
OF A HORSE
IS NOTHING MORE THAN
COMPETITIVE SEX.
PROOF THAT MAN CAN
SUBJUGATE ANYTHING
WILD AND BEAUTIFUL
ONCE HE GETS IBETWEEN HIS LEGS.
WHAT GETS ME
IS THEY WANA BELT BUCKLE
FOR LASTING
8 SECONDS.
OUR NEXT CONTESTANIN THE BULLDOGGING
COMPETITION
IS HANK ELKRUNNER
FROM RIGHT HERE IN GROVONT.
Announcer:
THAT 5.4-SECOND RIDE
PUTS HANK ELKRUNNER
SQUARE IN THE LEAD.
I FAIL TO SEE HOW
HURLING A DUMB ANIMAL
TO THE EARTH
MAKES A MAN THE OBJECOF MASS APPROVAL.
Announcer:
THANK YOU KINDLY, HANK.
LOOKS LIKE
A STUD TO ME.
Hank: THANKS, FOLKS.
Announcer:
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
IF YOU'LL JUST STAY CALM,
LET OUR COWBOYS
GET IN THERE.
WE HAVE PROFESSIONALS
ON THE SCENE.
Buddy: GIVE ME
SOME HELP HERE.
GET SOMEBODY
IN HERE. HE'S HURT.
I MIGHT OUGHTO SEE ABOUT MOM.
I'LL GO
WITH YOU.
Announcer: IT'S UNFORTUNATE
THAT THESE THINGS HAPPEN...
COME ON! MOVE IT!
EXCUSE ME.
Announcer: ...MEDICAL TEAMS
ON STAFF OUT RIGHT HERE
AND THEY WILL
TAKE CARE OF HIM.
WATCH HIM.
EASY, EASY.
I'LL BE BACK
IN A BIT.
Announcer: THANK YOU,
FELLAS. HE'S GONNA BE FINE.
MAMA--
HAVE TO CLEAN THE FLOOR
BEFORE BUDDY COMES HOME
'CAUSE BUDDY WILL
BE ANGRY.
MOM, IT'S OK. LEAVE
THE FLOOR TO LATER.
NO, I CAN'T LEAVE ANY
TRACKS IN THE LINOLEUM.
SHE'S NUTS. OUGHTO BE LOCKED UP.
THIS IS YOUR FAULT.
NO MORE THAN YOU.
YOU! MY BABY!
YOU KILLED
MY BABY!
WHAT'S SHE
TALKING ABOUT?
BABY! KILLED
MY BABY!
MOM, NO, IT'S OK.
NO! NO!
MAMA--
MOM!
Maurey: MAMA, WHAARE YOU DOING?
GET THIS OFF OF ME!
Announcer: ATTENTION,
COWBOYS IN THE ARENA...
Woman: SHE'S HAVING
A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.
Maurey: PLEASE,
WE NEED TO HELP HER.
Woman: SHE'S GONNA
GET HURT OUT THERE.
Announcer: CAN WE
GET SOME HELP IN
FOR THE LADY, PLEASE?
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
EVERYTHING'LL BE JUST FINE.
JUST STAY IN THE STANDS
AND LET THE COWBOY
TAKE CARE OF IT.
THANK YOU, HANK.
APPRECIATE IT.
NO!
EASY, MA'AM.
NO, GET AWAY
FROM ME!
[SOBBING]
GET AWAY
FROM ME.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
MAMA?
IT'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.
BUDDY WOULD STILL BE
AT THE HOSPITAL.
WE'LL FOLLOW YOU
OUT THERE IN CASE
YOU NEED US.
PRIDE MEANS NOTHING
IF YOU LOSE A GOOD MAN.
YEAH.
WILL SOMEONE PLEASE
EXPLAIN TO ME
WHAT ALL THIS PRIDE
NONSENSE IS ABOUT?
LIFE'S TOO SHORFOR ME TO WASTE
ANY OF IT.
I'LL SEE YOU AROUND.
HEH.
Lydia: HEY!
YOU CAN'T GEAWAY FROM ME,
YOU RED-SKINNED
SON OF A BITCH.
[TRUCK STARTS]
HEY, I'M TALKING TO YOU!
HEY!
YOU THINK
SHE'LL GET HIM?
HANK DON'STAND A CHANCE.
I'M YOUR SQUAW,
DAMN IT!
HANK, YOU LISTEN
TO ME! HANK!
Lydia: COME HERE, BABY.
[DOOR SLAMS]
[THUD]
[THUD]
WHAT--WHAT--OK!
GERONIMO, BABY!
[GIGGLES]
WEIRD.
YOU KNOW WHY WOMEN
FAKE ORGASMS?
I DON'T GIVE A HOOWHY WOMEN FAKE ORGASMS.
I'M NOT COMFORTABLE.
WOMEN FAKE
ORGASMS--
LISTEN
TO THE BIRTHDAY GIRL.
WOMEN FAKE
ORGASMS
BECAUSE MEN
FAKE FOREPLAY.
HA HA HA HA!
YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES
WHEN I HAVE A REAL ORGASM,
I TELL THE MAN
THAT I FAKED IJUST SO HE DOESN'GET COCKY.
I HATE COCKY MEN!
MY BABY'S GOING
TO BE RAISED
ON MARSHMALLOWS.
Lydia: WELL,
I RAISED SAMMY
ON DR PEPPER.
LOOK HOW HE
TURNED OUT.
I TURNED OUT OK.
SAYS WHO?
[GASPS]
AAH! WHOO!
AAH! AAH!
GET HIM, HANK!
Delores:
GET HIM, HANK!
GET HIS FEET, HANK.
GET HIS FEET.
Lydia:
DELORES...
SIT ON HIS FEET.
HANK, GETHE MARSHMALLOWS.
YOU'RE DEAD!
PUT THE
MARSHMALLOWS
IN HIS EAR!
Delores:
SAY UNCLE. SAY UNCLE!
NO!
HI-HO, SILVER, AWAY!
DELORES.
Delores: UH-OH.
GET UP, SAM.
I SAID GET UP
ON YOUR FEET.
SAMUEL, GEON YOUR FEET.
THIS IS YOUR
SUNDAY UNIFORM
AT THE CUSTER
MILITARY ACADEMY.
AS SOON AS YOU CLEAR THAT MUCKY
GUNK OUT OF YOUR EAR,
YOU'LL GO IN THE HOUSE
AND PUT IT ON.
DADDY.
BE SILENT, GIRL.
WE ARE GOING HOME NOW.
WE WILL PLACE SAMUEL
AT CUSTER,
AND THEN YOU AND I
WILL PROCEED ONTO GREENSBORO.
WAIT A SECOND.
WE CAN'T GO HOME.
WE'RE HAVING A BABY.
WELL, I'M SURE
THAT LITTLE GIRL
HAS A MOTHER
OF HER OWN.
MY MOTHER'S
IN THE NUTHOUSE.
BE THAT AS IT MAY,
YOU MADE YOUR BED,
NOW YOU MUST LIE IN IT.
I WILL NOT STAND BY
AND SEE MY GRANDSON
SNARED BY A SPIDER.
MAUREY IS NOA SPIDER.
I TOLD YOU
TO BE SILENT.
WELL, I WON'T.
YOU JUST CAN'COME IN HERE
AND RUIN EVERYTHING.
THIS IS
OUR HOME NOW.
THESE PEOPLE
ARE OUR FAMILY.
FAMILY. HA HA!
A FLOOZY, A KIOWA,
AND A VERY PREGNANLITTLE GIRL.
TELL ME, WHICH MEMBER
OF YOUR NEW FAMILY
IS GOING TO PAY
NEXT MONTH'S RENT?
BLACKFEET.
JUST EXACTLY WHAT IS
THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
Hank: I'M BLACKFEET,
NOT KIOWA.
I UNDERSTAND YOU LIVE
IN A ONE-ROOM TRAILER.
DO YOU THINK SHE'S
GONNA LIKE LIVING THERE
AND CARRYING
YOUR PAPOOSES?
DADDY, YOU ARE
SUCH AN ASSHOLE.
WELL, THAT COULD BE.
WHEN YOU GETO THE POINWHERE YOU CAN PAY
YOUR WAY IN LIFE,
YOU CAN LIVE
ANYWHERE YOU WANAND IN ANY DISGUSTING
MANNER YOU WANT.
BUT AS LONG AS I'M
PAYING THE BILLS,
YOU WILL DO AS I DICTATE.
IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?
GO INSIDE AND PUYOUR UNIFORM ON.
SON, YOU DON'HAVE A LOT TO SAY
ABOUT IT.
Sam: I DECIDED
LIFE WAS A GYP.
WHY COULDN'T PEOPLE
JUST DO WHAT I WANTED?
MAUREY WASN'IN LOVE WITH ME.
NOT IN THE RIGHT WAY.
IF WE WERE IN LOVE
LIKE ROMEO AND JULIET,
WE COULD FIGHT CASPAR.
WE COULD FLEE
INTO THE MOUNTAINS
OR CHAIN OURSELVES
TO A ROCK.
ROMEO AND JULIET WERE 14,
AND NO ONE TREATED THEM
LIKE CHILDREN.
BUT, OF COURSE,
THEY DIED AT THE END.
HEY. HOW'D YOU
GET HERE FROM TOWN?
HANK BROUGHT ME.
HE'S AT THE RANCH
TALKING TO DAD.
YOUR GRANDFATHER
ISN'T HAPPY WITH YOU.
I'LL NEVER PUT ON
THAT UNIFORM. NEVER!
YES, YOU WILL.
YOU AND LYDIA
ARE BOTH HOPELESS,
AND WE ALL KNOW IT.
I WON'T LEAVE
YOU AND THE BABY.
I'LL HIDE IN THE MOUNTAINS
AND LIVE ON BUSHES
AND FROGS IF I HAVE TO.
WE MADE A MISTAKE.
THIS BABY'S COMING
WHETHER ANYBODY'S
READY OR NOT.
[SIGHS]
DON'T BE SAD, SAM.
NO MATTER HOW BAD
EVERYTHING IS,
YOU AND I WILL
HAVE A BABY.
YOU'LL BE 18
IN 4 YEARS. THEN
YOU CAN COME BACK.
COME ON.
COME ON.
WILL YOU--
[LAUGHING]
Sam: I'M GONNA
GET YOU.
Maurey: NO, NO!
YOU'RE GOING
IN THE WATER.
SAM?
ARE YOU OK?
I JUST FELTHE BABY.
P.A.: DR. JENKINS
TO LABOR AND DELIVERY.
DR. JENKINS TO LABOR
AND DELIVERY, PLEASE.
CONGRATULATIONS,
MR. PIERCE.
YOU'RE
A GRANDFATHER.
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT ME?
YOU HAVE
A DAUGHTER.
[BABY COOS]
HER NAME
IS SHANNON.
THAT'S PRETTY.
CAN I TOUCH HER?
OK, BUT BE GENTLE.
BABIES AREN'T FOOTBALLS.
YEAH, THEY DON'TRAVEL AS FAR WHEN
YOU KICK 'EM.
THAT'S NOT FUNNY, SAM.
I HOPE SHE GROWS UP
TO HAVE MY LOOKS
AND DAD'S BRAINS.
WELL, WHAT ABOUT ME?
SHE'LL HAVE YOUR HEART.
IT'S HARD TO SEE
HOW GOO ON A SOCK
CAN LEAD TO THIS.
PRETTY COOL, HUH?
YEAH.
[BABY FUSSES]
I WANNA GO HOME.
AFTER WE EAT.
WHOA, I CAN'GO IN THERE.
MY GRANDFATHER
WILL KIDNAP ME.
YOUR GRANDFATHER
WILL NOT KIDNAP YOU.
YEAH, HE'LL TAKE ME
STRAIGHT TO CUSTER
MILITARY ACADEMY.
I WON'T LET HIM.
COME ON.
Caspar:
HI, SAM.
SO, WHAT'D SHE
NAME THE BABY?
SHANNON.
OH, MY GOD.
THAT'LL
NEVER DO.
MY BABY'S NAME
IS SHANNON.
WHO DO I HAVE
TO FUCK IN THIS JOINTO GET A CUP OF COFFEE?
AH, KEEP YOUR PANTS
ZIPPED, JACK.
MOM?
MUTUAL TRUSAND RESPECT, SAM.
ALWAYS REMEMBER WHAOUR RELATIONSHIP
IS BASED ON.
I MAY HAVE
A GRANDDAUGHTER,
BUT I'M NOT 30 YET.
WELL, YOU CAN'WORK HERE, LYDIA.
WATCH ME.
SHE WON'LAST A MONTH.
THE FIRST TIME
SHE BREAKS
A FINGERNAIL,
SHE'LL BE COMING
HOME TO DADDY.
FAT CHANCE, DADDY.
SO DOES THIS MEAN
I DON'T HAVE TO GO
TO CUSTER?
THAT'S RIGHT. AS LONG
AS WE PAY OUR OWN WAY,
THE OLD GOAT CAN'FORCE US ANYWHERE.
SHE'LL NEVER
MAKE THE RENON TIPS.
WELL, DOT DOES.
Hank: AND I'M
MOVING IN, TOO.
SELLING MY TRAILER
AND COMING TO TOWN.
MAUREY'S FAMILY WILL
HELP PAY ON RENT.
MAUREY'S
MOVING IN?
WELL, PART-TIME
WHILE BUDDY'S UP
AT THE RANCH.
NOW, WHAT CAN I
GET YOU FELLAS?
I DON'T HAVE ALL DAY
TO CHIT-CHAWITH THE RABBLE.
[BABY COOS]
SAM CALLAHAN,
I WANNA HAVE
YOUR BABY.
WE ALL WANNA
HAVE YOUR BABY.
WE WANT YOU TO BE
THE DAD OF A NEW
GENERATION.
I'M SORRY.
I WOULD LOVE
TO FATHER YOUR CHILD,
BUT MY HEART BELONGS
TO MY TRUE LOVE.
IT'S JUST NOT PROPER
TO HAVE BABIES
BY MORE THAN
ONE GIRL AT A TIME.
[SIGHS] YOU'VE
BROKEN MY HEART.
BE STRONG. SOMEDAY
YOU WILL UNDERSTAND
THE THEORY OF ONE MAN,
ONE BABY.
[COOS]
I'M GOING
INTO GREEN RIVER
AFTER CHEERLEADING
PRACTICE,
SO YOU'LL HAVE TO HANDLE
THE 6:00 FEEDING.
WELL, I'M THE FATHER,
NOT THE BABY-SITTER.
SAME DIFFERENCE.
NOW, BE A GOOD BABY.
LYDIA'LL HELP YOU
IF YOU NEED ANYTHING.
I WON'T NEED LYDIA.
BYE.
Maurey:
BYE, SAM.
[COOS]
Sam: THE FUTURE
LAY BEFORE SAM
LIKE THE GREAAMERICAN NOVEL
JUST WAITING TO BE WRITTEN.
LYDIA WOULD MARRY HANK
AND JOIN THE WELCOME WAGON.
MAUREY WOULD GROW
TO LOVE SAM
THE WAY MOTHERS ARE
SUPPOSED TO LOVE FATHERS.
SHANNON WOULD GROW UP
TO BE BEAUTIFUL, TALENTED,
AND VIRGINAL.
SAM KNEW THE TRAIL AHEAD
WOULD BE LONG, STEEP,
AND LITTERED
WITH HORSE MANURE,
BUT HE WAS READY NOW,
'CAUSE SOMEHOW, SOME WAY,
THE WAITRESS, THE INDIAN,
THE CHEERLEADER,
AND THE 15-YEAR-OLD FATHER
WOULD SURVIVE.
THEY WERE THE MODERN
AMERICAN FAMILY.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
LIONS GATE FILMS
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL
DO THE MANTA RAY
DO THE SQUID
OOH, YEAH, BABY,
LIKE I KNEW YOU DID
DO THE LOBSTER, BABY
DO THE EEL
OH, YEAH, BABY,
I LIKE HOW THAT FEELS
YAHOO, SWIM LIKE THAYAHOO, CHECK
HER FINS OUT
YAHOO, GET ON YOUR MARK
YAHOO, LET'S
DO THE SHARK
YAHOO, DO IT NOW
YAHOO, CHECK
MY FINS OUT
YAHOO, GET ON YOUR MARK
YAHOO, LET'S
DO THE SHARK
YAHOO, SWIM IT NOW
YAHOO, CHECK
HER FINS OUT
YAHOO, GET ON YOUR MARK
YAHOO, LET'S
DO THE SHARK
AHH
OOH
YAHOO
YAHOO
YAHOO
YAHOO
DO THE MANTA RAY
DO THE PIKE
NOW THAT'S WHATHIS SHOULD FEEL LIKE
YAHOO
YAHOO
YAHOO
AHH
OOH
DO THE SWORDFISH
MY HEART DON'T MISS
SWIMMING IN THE SEA
JUST YOU AND ME
YAHOO
YAHOO
YAHOO
YAHOO