Slap Her... She's French (2002) Movie Script
1
lions gate entertainment
girl: we're all capable
of doing bad things.
Lord knows,
I've done my share,
things
I'm truly ashamed of.
But should my life,
so young and full
of sweet promise,
be tragically cut down
before it ever
had a chance to shine?
[Vomits]
If I ever get out of here,
as god as my witness,
somebody's gonna pay.
Or as the great
German philosopher
Fred Nietzsche once said,
that which does not kill us
is gonna wish it had,
because we're about
to fed-ex its sorry ass
back to skank central,
where it came from...
Or something like that.
My daddy always says everything
is bigger here in Texas,
even the sky.
I don't know
how true that is,
since I've never
been over the state line.
[Cows mooing]
I do know
that the lone star state
has produced
lots of famous people.
John Wayne
is from Texas;
also presidents eisenhower,
Johnson, bush, and bush;
Ann Richards,
who's a democrat
but a really cool person;
the Mary Kay
of Mary Kay cosmetics;
and one day soon, me.
I was gonna join the ranks
of these illustrious texans,
no matter what it took.
I was gonna be a TV star.
I know
what you're thinking--
why would some
supremely smart girl like me
want to be just a TV star?
The answer--
good morning, America.
What could be more
satisfying and rewarding
than knowing that,
every morning,
this great American nation
with a smile?
I never doubted I'd make it
if I followed
the path to the top
footstep by footstep,
and tonight was
a very crucial footstep.
Starla, we don't want
to be late, darling.
I'm ready.
Oh, all eyes are gonna
be on my little girl.
Oh, daddy, please.
Enjoy it while
you can, cupcake,
before time and gravity
do their dirty work.
You just look
beautiful, darling.
Doesn't she just look
beautiful, Randolph?
She looks like
a drag queen.
Shut up,
Poindexter.
Hush!
What do you know
about drag queens?
Get out of here.
I am what I am
straight out of
Cali, Cali
I am bringing it to you
Starla, have you decided
if we're gonna participate
in that foreign exchange
thing or not?
It is an honor to be
selected as a host family.
Mama, you've been bugging me
about this for months now.
What do I want
some little French tart
running
around here for?
Honey,
in her letters,
that little girl
just sounds so sweet,
and she wants to
come here so badly.
Mama's only thinking
about you, honey.
You know you can't
afford to fail French.
I know.
I just don't have time
to be entertaining
some foreigner.
And besides, we pulled
their ungrateful French butts
out of 2 world wars.
Isn't that enough?
Now, starla, I want
you to remember--
there's no shame in not
winning the beauty pageant.
It's not a beauty pageant.
It's a celebration
of all that it means
to be a modern woman--
charm, class,
and sophistication.
[Music playing]
Beef, it beats
any vegetable
beef, mmm,
it tastes incredible
beef,
nothing's indigestible
about beef
beef, it's what's for dinner
every day...
It's the little things
she does.
Look at her eyebrows
when she sings "beef."
Here it comes.
...no to beef
Isn't that darling?
"Beef." See it?
[Whispering] what?
I don't like this
Japanese music.
It's Mozart.
No, smarty.
Mozart played
the piano.
Kyle, you know you're not
supposed to be in here.
I just came by to wish
my best babe luck.
Oh, thank you.
But I won't need it.
All that's left is
the interview portion,
and there's no way
i can lose.
No matter what they ask,
I'm gonna bring up god.
Then me and you can do
some celebrating.
Woman: places, ladies.
Let's tuck and stuff it.
Go get 'em, sweetie.
Makeup!
The very first
miss splendona beef,
former Dallas cowboy
cheerleader,
and current
pageant coordinator,
miss Kimmy sue
Caldwell sprinkle.
Thank you.
Announcer:
and our 3 finalists!
Kimmy sue: I will ask
each finalist one question,
beginning with
Ashley lopezi Lopez.
[Applause]
Ashley, do you think
it's possible
for a woman
to have a career
and still be a good
homemaker and caregiver?
I think anything
is possible
as long as you have
faith in the lord!
[Cheering and applause]
I love you, Jesus!
[Applause continues]
That tramp.
She played the god card.
Kimmy sue:
And finally,
our final finalist,
a fine young lady,
starla Grady.
[Applause]
Starla, if you
had to sum up
your personal
philosophy
in one word,
what would it be?
Community.
This world
would be better off
if we didn't spend
so much time on our knees,
worshipping
at the altar of self.
Now, I admit,
i have enjoyed
enormous success
as an individual.
Yes, I was
a junior intern
for the Texas state legislature
2 summers in a row.
Of course
my peers voted me
most likely to wind up
in people magazine.
But all of these
accolades mean nothing
if I'm not servicing
my community.
[Light applause]
And gosh, I'm just
so darn proud of splendona,
I want the whole
world to know
what a very special
community we live in.
And so, in the spirit
of global warming,
my family, the Arnold gradys
of mockingbird Lane,
have decided to host
splendona's first-ever,
all the way from Paris, France,
foreign exchange student!
[Loud applause]
Well, she's locked
this one up.
[Moo]
Starla: gosh, I wonder
what she'll be like.
Bootsie: well, I'm sure
she'll just be darling.
Oh, my gosh!
Here they come!
I'm so excited!
[French accent]
Hello. I am Genevieve.
Bonjour!
bonjour!
[Loudly]
in honor of your visit,
we learned
a little French culture.
Arnie, would you
like to start?
Start what?
The thing...
Oh, right.
Libert.
Egalit.
Ennui.
That is not the word
that we agreed upon.
If that is some kind
of French profanity,
Randolph Scott Grady,
i swear--
it means "boredom
unto death."
Oh. well,
then that's ok.
Everybody wave
to the camera now.
Smile!
smile, everybody!
Here she is.
Isn't she cute?
All right,
that's enough.
Man: runnin' from the rat race
just as fast as I can
take off my tie
so I can breathe
me, I'm going
where the fresh air...
Mon dieu.
It is like a castle.
It is so huge.
Just wait till you
see what's inside.
Walk in the country
with me
watch the sun
sinking down on the trees
Surprise!
surprise!
Ha ha ha!
Come on.
We're having fun.
Isn't she precious?
Hi. how are you?
Good to see you.
Thank you for coming.
Isn't she just adorable?
Starla, you have
so many friends.
Yeah. well, it's
a blessing and a curse.
With trend-setting
comes responsibility.
Hi. how are you?
Good to see you.
And get you introduced.
Randolph, get the luggage.
Genevieve, these are
my 2 best friends in the world--
Ashley Lopez
and Tanner Jennings.
So, this is our little
French visitor?
Oui. that means yeah.
It's what hip people
in France say.
Oh.
oh.
[Loudly] do you
speak American?
She's French, Tanner,
not deaf.
Want a ciggie?
Oh...no,
i do not smoke.
I thought all
you Europeans
smoked
like chimneys.
For a time I did,
but it took away
my appetite
and made me drop
the weight like flies.
And?
and?
See you.
Those two are real sweet,
but they're big sluts.
Starla.
Hey, stud.
Hey...studette.
Mmm...
Mmm...a-1.
Genevieve leplouff,
this is my boyfriend,
Kyle Fuller.
Hello.
mmm...
Never before
have I seen a man
with such, uh...
Um...Big meat.
[Gulp]
Um, Kyle's
class president,
and he's been
quarterback
of the splendona
high longhorns
when I first became
head cheerleader.
Naturally,
we started dating.
It was destiny.
Mmm...
Oh, how romantic.
Hey, you two
want some meat?
Uh...
Maybe later, sweetie.
Ok.
[Kissing loudly]
If you don't
eat meat around here,
people look at you as if
you're some kind of foreigner.
Oh, sorry.
Here I am giving makeovers
at an old folks' home.
Oh, and this is me
winning the beef pageant.
Oh, and this is me
and a little
humane society puppy
that totally puked
all over my new suede jacket
I swear, I wanted to put
that damn dog in the microwave.
In America,
if you want to be famous,
you have to care
about charities and stuff.
It makes people
not hate you.
Which reminds me...
These are
some old clothes
I'm giving to the...
Something thrift store,
either for breast cancer
or burn victims.
What is this?
Oh, it's a checklist--
50 steps to become
abc's $6-million woman
and host of
good morning, America.
What's the junior
anchorperson competition?
Oh, it's, like,
a contest
where everyone
picks a subject
and then makes
a video about it.
Mine's about
missing children.
My mama got it made at
a professional news studio.
Is that allowed?
Well, that's how they do it
in the big-time.
You think Katie Couric
cuts her own?
When I win,
I'm gonna use
the college
scholarship
and then it's just
a hop, skip, and a jump
to doing TV weather,
working for George or Jeb--
whoever's president
at the time--
and then
going national.
Oh, starla, your life
is so formidable,
so puissante, so chic.
Welcome to my world.
[Engine starts]
[Tires squealing]
There is no map,
there are no signs
we're on our way,
we're crossing lines
strap on your boots,
go pack your bags
no time to rest,
no time to lag
and you know
everyone here
has been invited to go
whoa-oh
and you know,
we're on our way
into the unknown
You are amazing.
It's my job to be
amazing, Genevieve,
and I take that job
very seriously.
Oh, here. Let me
carry your books.
Hey, starla.
You look great.
Hey, starla.
What's up?
It's very important
to maintain good relations
with your public.
Ashley, Tanner!
It's ok.
It's French.
Oh.
oh.
Hey, isle of lesbo
off the starboard bow.
Hey, Doreen, what
an interesting perfume.
What is that? C.K. Spam?
[Girls laughing]
Hey, beef queen.
What do you want, ed?
Let's see...
In a word, community.
And to meet
the secret weapon
that bagged
your latest crown.
Hey, leave her alone, ed.
She's new to this country.
Hi. ed Mitchell.
Oh. Genevieve leplouff.
Come on.
You can watch me
wait. you're gonna pass up
a photo op, huh?
That's right.
Front page of the school paper.
"Beef queen hosts
foreign exchange student,"
et cetera, et cetera,
ad vomitosis.
But...with
a big, fat picture.
[Sighs]
what a bore.
Well, it would be
a great way
for people to learn
about Genevieve.
So generous.
I'm touched.
So, come on. Let's see
a big, meaty smile, huh?
Bite me, you big
Manhattan poser.
I'm from Albany.
Can we shoot this puppy
while I'm still young?
No, come on. I want
Genevieve in this, too.
Oh, right.
Come on.
Oh, no. It's...
No. come on.
Ok. can you say
fromage?
Un, deux, trois...
Oh!
oh, I'm sorry.
I am so clumsy.
Je suis desol.
Not to worry.
We'll just take another.
Just think of the camera
as a mirror,
and you're smiling
at yourself.
Ok.
Ok, let's try again.
In 3, 2...
Good morning,
splendona high.
This is starla Grady
with the morning news.
Principal mcfarland
wishes everyone to note
that rumors
of a botulism outbreak
in the school cafeteria
are highly exaggerated.
"The tuna casserole is
just as fresh this week
as it was last week."
[Students laughing]
And now...
Global news roundup.
Israeli-palestinian peace talks
broke down again yesterday
without any progress
towards a compromise.
Ugh. something disgusting
happened in Africa...Again.
And on a more local note,
remember, all you longhorns,
the big game against farmerville
is Friday night at 8:00.
And that's pretty much
the size of it.
So from all of us here
at k-long,
this is
starla Grady saying...
Can't we all just get along?
Girl: and we're out.
Thank you, starla.
Great.
Good job.
Thank you.
Hmph.
Wow.
Now, y'all should have read
throuchapitre dix
of madame bovary
in the original French.
[Slam]
To te...
To...to...2 te--tes...
To test
our comprehension, um...
Can someone summarize for me
flaubert's thesis?
Anyone?
Oui. starla.
Will this be on the final?
En franais,
s'il vous plait.
Will this be on
la finale?
[Laughter]
Yes.
[Bell rings]
Saved by la belle.
Girl: 5, 6, 7, 8.
Kimmy sue: You call
yourselves hornettes?
I've seen better kicks
from pregnant women!
Oh, come on!
Hey, Genevieve.
Oh, Kyle.
Bonjour.
I was just
watching starla.
She really knows how
to spread her legs.
Uh...to kick.
She knows
how to kick.
It must be nice
to have
a girl like that
stuck on your body--
your arm. Uh...
Stuck on your arm.
Ha. my english
is not so good.
What I mean
to say is, um...
I'm very happy
to know starla...
And you.
Inside of me,
I'm very, very warm.
[Gulp]
7, 8, and foot, and back,
announcer:
ladies and gentlemen,
splendona high's marching band
and the hornettes!
Let's move!
Let's move!
Let's move!
Let's move!
Let's move!
Let's hear it
for the hornettes...
And their captain,
starla Grady.
[Cheering and applause]
Mrs. Grady,
you must be so proud.
Oh, yes, we are.
We're very proud.
Will you hand mama
a fresh iced tea, please?
Starla:
excuse me.
Thank you.
So, what did you think?
Oh, it is
so exciting.
I've never
before seen
the American
football.
Oh, right, the game.
But what did you
think of me?
Ah, tu
es splendide.
Une apparition en voyage
au ciel sur un nuage.
I'm sure that means
something real sweet.
Thank you.
Announcer: we've got one heck
of a battle going on here.
Splendona and farmerville
locked in a 14-14 tie.
On one. Spread out
left on one.
Quarterback Kyle Fuller,
number 8,
leads his longhorns
to the 38 yard line,
she clings to me
like cellophane
fake plastic submarine
slowly driving me insane
but now that's over
so what
if the sex was great?
Just a temporary escape
another thing
i grew to hate
but now that's over
why do you always kick me
when I'm...
Knock me down
till we see eye to eye
figured her out
I know she may not be
miss right
but she'll do right now
Announcer:
still trailing by 2 points
with just 10 seconds
left in the game.
Kyle Fuller's gonna need
to conjure up
some powerful magic
this time.
Option right on 2.
Grrr!
Ready! break!
Blue 21!
Ready!
Hut! hut!
[Cheering]
Announcer: touchdown!
Splendona wins!
The longhorns win!
Kyle Fuller did it again!
[Screaming]
Yeah!
Yeah! yeah! Yes!
Yeah!
[Screaming]
Starla: it doesn't
get better than this.
If only I'd seen
the writing on the wall.
I just didn't know
it was in French.
So, Genevieve,
how do you like Texas?
Ah, Mrs. Grady,
I'm loving it.
It is all
so beautiful.
As beautiful
as France?
For me, France
will always be filled
with the stench
of death.
Yeah, we get that
here, too,
when the wind
is out of the southeast.
Honey, bring me
a Margarita.
Last summer,
i fell in love
with a boy
from marseilles--
Jean-Marie.
Jean-Marie
was a gypsy,
and he had
the soul of a poet.
By day, we would run
through the fields of lilac,
and at night,
he would caress my face
under the French moon.
Ooh la la.
Our love was pure,
but papa,
he hated Jean-Marie.
You see, I had
cared for papa
ever since my mother died
in a boating accident,
and he was terrified
i would run away.
Mon dieu.
Then one fateful night,
boom! papa's poor heart
attacked him,
and I'm the orphan.
Jean-Marie came
to papa's funeral
and vowed his
undying love for me.
We decided to leave
the very next day
where he would join
tcirque d'or as a juggler,
and I...I wanted
nothing more
than to bear his children
and wash his leotards.
We decided to meet
the next day at the station.
I wait, and I wait.
Day turned to night.
And still
no Jean-Marie.
Oh.
oh.
It was only later
i learned
that on his way
to meet me,
he must have been
so excited,
because he drove
too fast
and flew off
his motorcycle
into the seine
and drowned.
That is so...
European.
Don't cry for me.
In France, we are told
that sadness and joy
are sisters
holding hands,
each one lost
without the other.
Oui.
oui.
And then that gorgeous,
romantic Jean-Marie
was thrown off his motorcycle
and drowned in the seine.
God, y'all, that is
totaltitanic.
Hey, Titanic
was a movie.
What happened
to Genevieve was real.
Before Titanic
was a movie,
it was real.
Duh!
Feast your eyes, ladies.
Let me see.
Let me see.
Whoa.
Starla:
where am I?
And, Genevieve, what
happened to you?
I want to do
a whole page on Genevieve.
No. I could not
possibly.
Then you can tell
your whole sad sob story.
Ashleoui.
People will feel
real sorry for you,
but this article was
supposed to be about me...
Welcoming Genevieve,
and I think an article on you
is a great idea.
It could be about
how I brought you here
and how I'm helping you adjust
to a different culture.
Well...if you insist.
Trs bien, Doreen.
Vous etes
une bonne tudiante.
Je suis trs fier.
Merci.
Ahem!
Get a life,
you big hairball.
[Speaking French]
[Bell rings]
[Speaking French]
Starla.
Yes?
Your grade has now
dropped below a "c."
I'm afraid I'm
gonna have to inform
the cheerleading
sponsor.
Miss sprinkle? Why?
It's not like I got
fat all of a sudden.
Starla, anything
below a "c"
prohibits you
from participating
in extracurricular
activities,
cheerleading
included.
Get serious!
But I've been head
hornette for 3 years.
I'm sorry. It's
a state regulation--
no pass, no play.
I studied for
that test. I swear!
It's just that...
I was in bed with
serious menstrual cramps.
You know what it's like?
Your whole body aches,
and your breasts
are, like, on fire.
[Breathes deeply]
So, couldn't I just
get another chance?
Please?
Ok. I won't say
anything for 2 weeks.
If you get an "a"
on your oral exam,
that will bump you
up to a "c."
Anything less,
and I'm gonna have to talk
to Mrs. sparkle--
spankle--sprinkle.
[Kiss kiss]
Thanks, monsieur Duke.
One lousy "f,"
and suddenly no cheerleading?
That could totally
screw up my checklist.
That monsieur Duke
is such a...A...
Professeur dedique?
I was thinking
big a-hole,
but whatever.
Bug off, worm.
You know, I could
help you study.
Yeah? and what's
the catch?
There's no catch.
You just got to be nice
to me for the rest
of my life.
You'd exploit this
for emotional blackmail.
That's just mean,
you user.
I'll just get
Genevieve to help me.
Dem a say,
dem a know
if you call them up,
you know they won't show
'cause, sha, everybody
wants to be like you
diddly, diddly,
diddly, diddly
when you're all alone
and thinking at home
and you have no one
to call them your own...
What are you doing?
Omon dieu!
Uje suis desol.
Uh...i...i just wanted
to see what it felt like.
It's ok.
It's no big deal.
Your life
is so glamorous.
I have been struck
by the stars.
Forgive me.
Everybody wants
to be like you
Now I have upset you.
Oh, no.
It's not you.
Genevieve, I'm
gonna fail the exam
unless I learn how to speak
French by next Friday.
I know I'm being
a drama queen,
but if I fail
that class,
I'll be thrown off
the hornettes.
[Sighs] my life could go
completely off the rails.
[Opens soda]
If only I knew someone
who could help.
Starla.
Je suis franaise!
Genevieve, I don't
speak French.
That's the problem.
I am French.
I can teach you.
Oh, I couldn't ask you,
not on top of
everything else you do.
By the way,
did you remember
oui. and don't
be silly.
You have been
so wonderful to me.
I would welcome
the chance to tutor you.
Well, if you insist.
I will make a tape
of these lessons
you can listen to
over and over
until it is
the second nature.
Don't worry.
You will earn high marks
when you give
monsieur Duke oral.
Oh, I'm so glad
everyone you know died
so you had to come
to America.
Kimmy sue: 1, 2, 3.
And shake it
to the front.
A hand, head over.
Up, head, push, push.
5, 6, 7, 8.
1, 2, 3, 4,
5, 6, 7, 8.
[Reading in French]
Hey, Genevieve.
[Shutter clicks]
I'm busy making
the French tape
no, come on. Tell me
all about yourself.
And back,
kick, arch, step.
Me? I am nobody.
A pilot fish swimming
in the wake of
a great white whale.
Nothing of interest
has ever happened to me.
Why don't you let me
be the judge of that?
Fast turn, 7, 8.
Ed, you are so...
What's the word?
Hunky?
Hey, starla.
Hey, starla.
Come to my party.
Great shoes,
starla.
Hey, starla.
You look great.
Hey, Genevieve.
Moi? oh, hello.
What do you know?
You're making friends.
But I don't even
know that girl.
That's called
fame by association.
Girl: wow!
Look at that beret!
Is that how they wear them
in France, Genevieve?
Oui.
She noticed
my beret.
Yeah, I was gonna
say something,
but I didn't want
to embarrass you.
Hey, Genevieve.
Superior article about you
in the school paper.
About you?
"Genevieve bravely put
her tragic past behind her
"to start anew as an American
high-school student.
"What is perhaps most refreshing
is her natural appearance.
"What a relief from the
cosmetically enhanced Barbies
that seem to overpopulate
our school."
Hey, Barbie
is a role model.
You'll have to beat
them off with a stick.
Oui. what does it say
about me?
Mmm...here it is,
right underneath
the lunch menu.
"And for Genevieve's
presence among us,
due thanks must go
to stalra Grady."
"Stalra?"
"Stalra!"
Oh, my gosh.
That is so pathetic.
Ohh! starla,
i cannot bear
that I have
made you unhappy!
I wish I could throw
myself under a plane!
Oh, don't be
such a drama queen.
I'm not mad at you.
I'm mad at ed.
And you wish you could
throw yourself under a train!
I only spoke to him
to tell the world
how much
you have helped me,
and because...
Because I thought
he liked me
in the way
romantique.
That's it. We're not letting him
get away with this.
[Tires screech]
Ladies.
I think it is
so completely despicable
the way you used
poor Genevieve!
Pretending to flirt with her
so she'd open up to you.
Wait a minute.
She flirted with me!
Oh, right. Now that you
got your precious story,
you're just gonna
toss her aside
like an empty can
of diet Pepsi!
I'm not tossing
anybody aside.
You ought to be taken
outside and horsewhipped,
taking advantage
of a foreigner like that.
Please don't try--
it's people like you
who give America a bad name!
You're one to talk,
you conniving blonde bimbo.
[Sobbing]
Now look
what you've done.
I have a good mind
to have Kyle come
and beat you off!
Up. beat you up.
Starla, wait.
Come on.
What kind of shirt
is that?
It's a t-shirt.
Well, it doesn't even
have a logo on it.
Ha ha ha!
Starla:
when I'm done with you,
you're gonna forget
all about that ed.
You never cease
to be aiding me.
I just hope this tape
will help pay you back
for all
you've done to me.
Tanner: ok, listen up.
Top 10 reasons to cross a guy
off your list.
Number one--
he forgets your birthday.
He's always flaunting
his Manhattan sophistication
because he's so...
So...Pseudo.
I mean, what makes him
so special?
We should call him
"special ed."
I mean, what kind of name
is ed anyway?
I heard his real
name is Edwin.
Edwin?
I mean, Genevieve is, like,
this pitiful foreigner,
which makes us all
ambassadors for America, right?
But no, special ed
has to manipulate her
to make himself
look good.
He's so use-orious.
The whole school is nothing
but a bunch of phony posers,
a nest of users, losers,
and self-abusers.
Ok, Genevieve,
all done.
Something wrong?
No. um...
You did
a wonderful job.
Perhaps it is me,
and I'm just not meant
to wear makeup.
Oui. you might
be right.
Where was I?
Oh, yeah. And don't get me
started on monsieur le Duke,
Mr. "I'm married,
but teenage girls
make me pop my Jimmy
in my fruit de looms."
[Click]
Starla:
good morning, mama.
Morning, baby.
Hey, have you
seen Genevieve?
Oh, she and your father
left early. Hunting.
Hunting?
as in shooting?
You know your daddy's
always wanted a child
he could kill things with.
Now he's finally got one.
But Genevieve
hates shooting.
Well, yes, but you have
to remember, starla,
those people think
Jerry Lewis is a god.
What does that have
to do with anything?
What does anything have
to do with anything?
Morning, everyone.
Morning, y'all.
Hey. you girls sleep ok?
Oh, yeah!
Fine, thanks.
Can I bum one of these
off you, Mrs. g?
No. her bed's been empty
all morning.
You little perv.
Ooh, I'm gonna
get you, Randolph!
[Ashley laughing]
Randolph: mom!
Excusez-moi,
mademoiselle.
O se trouve
la bibliothque?
La bibliothque
est au centre ville.
Nous pourrions peut-etre nous
y retrouver la faire l'amour.
What's your problem,
Poindexter?
No problem.
No problem at all.
Oh. hi, honey.
Well, thanks again for coming
out with me today, Genevieve.
It was my
pleasure, papa.
Papa?
I told her she could
call me that.
Sweetheart, she is a part
of this family now.
Hmm.
[Whirring]
[Humming]
[Sniff sniff]
Oh.
Well, I hope
you're ready, starla.
Mais oui.
You're gonna be
so proud, monsieur Duke.
Uh, let's start
with the dialogue
in lesson trois.
Shall we?
C'est bonne.
[Speaking French]
See? and you thought
I wasn't motivated
enough to pass.
Starla--
wait. there's more.
Stop right there,
young lady!
Now, I realize
it's natural
to develop
a crush on an older,
more experienced man,
but I am married.
Ew! you and me?
You wish, Chewbacca.
Sir.
How could i
flunk French?
I was tutored by
a total French girl.
Starla, I just heard.
What happened?
And then he accused me
of coming on to him.
Hello!
Of how this will affect
your cheerleading.
Oh, my gosh.
The hornettes.
I'm gonna
get kicked off.
1, 2, 3, 4,
5, 6, 7, 8.
Kimmy sue:
I just don't understand.
Who cares if you
can speak a language
that sounds like you're
trying to hock a lugie?
Is that really
gonna serve you better
in the real world
than being able
to kick your heels
over your head?
Hey, you're preaching to
the choir, miss sprinkle.
Can't you temporarily
that would just create
an empty space somewhere else.
There's a very delicate
balance here.
5, 6, 7, 8.
1, 2, 3, 4...
Uh...this is
a crazy idea, I know,
but perhaps I could
step in for starla,
just until
she gets her grades up.
You're right.
It's a terrible idea.
Well, now wait.
Can you dance?
[ Bust a move
by young m.C. Playing]
This here's a tale
for all the fellas
try to do
what those ladies tell us
get shot down
'cause you're overzealous
play hard-to-get,
females get jealous
ok, smarty,
go to a party
girls are scantily clad
and showing body
a chick walks by,
you wish you could sex her
but you're standing on the
wall like you was Poindexter
next day's function,
high-class luncheon...
Is that our girl?
Ooh la la.
She's no
starla.
Thank you, Randolph.
She looks nothing
like a drag queen.
Says she want to dance
'cause she likes to groove
so come on, fatso,
and just bust a move
just bust a move
[Crowd gasps]
Just bust a move
[Crowd gasps]
[Crowd gasps]
You're on a mission
someone could cure
your lonely condition
looking for love
in all the wrong places
no fine girls,
just ugly faces
from frustration,
first inclination
is to become a monk
and leave the situation
my girl runs up
with something to prove
so don't just stand there,
bust a move
if you want it,
you got it...
Hey.
What do you want?
Here to get
your recommended
daily allowance
of homogenized
blonde bimbo?
Here to apologize.
I said some
fairly harsh things.
Oh. well, apology
fairly accepted.
Genevieve came on
to me real hard,
giving me
these French looks.
I fell for it.
But she only did it
to get what she wanted.
I'm beginning
to notice
she always gets
what she wants...
And what I want, too.
Look at the girl,
and your heart starts thumping
says she wants to dance
to a different groove
now you know what
to do, g, bust a move
if you want it,
you got it, huh
if you want it,
baby, you got it
just bust a move
if you want it,
you got it
What you reading?
[Music stops]
[Applause]
Oh, I like dick.
Ok, I'll cut
the crap.
Just tell me what
this means.
[Repeating French
from earlier]
I have a mouth
like 10 fingers
10 fingers--
[screaming]
[Mooing]
Damn! where's
that treacherous skank's
smoking-gun tape?!
Uh!
Ugh!
I need a drink.
She even stole
my diet Pepsi.
What the heck?
Ok, bitch.
It's payback time.
Better watch out
here I come
start it up, daddy,
let's have some fun
all night long
I said all night long
all night long
Where's that snail-eating,
Bordeaux-swilling,
American-foreign-policy-
opposing,
legs-not-shaven slouch?
Whoa, there,
cowgirl!
She is just evil!
She made me learn
bogus French so I'd flunk
and she could take my spot
on the hornettes!
I mean, what kind
of person could be so...
Calculated?
Well...you.
the only reason
you sponsored
that exchange student
was so that you could
win that pageant, right?
What a mean thing
to say.
Oh!
But when it comes to loving,
I'll knock you off your feet
all night long
I said all night long
all night long
you better
keep up with me, baby
You messed with
the wrong kooz, flooz.
Get ready to partay.
Come on, babe.
We're just dancing.
That's not dancing!
That's...dry humping!
Oh! sorry.
That's how we dance
in my country.
Then everyone in your country
is a big, fat whore!
Maybe if you knew how
to keep your man happy,
he wouldn't have to dance
with a whore such as myself.
Ooh...
You...total...
Poo--Tash!
[All shouting]
Starla, why do
you have to be
so nasty
to Genevieve?
Oui. you just can't stand
for anybody else
to have a little bit
of attention,
you stuck-up bitch!
Don't call me
a bitch...Bitch!
You are
a bitch...Bitch!
And we know you
called us sluts.
Yare sluts!
[Screaming]
Boy: girl fight!
[Onlookers cheering
"girl fight!"]
Listen to me,
everybody!
She made a fake tape
so that I'd fail French
and she could
take over my life!
J'accuse!
Let's get you
out of here.
I'm gonna get you,
Kermit!
You're going down!
[Stops engine]
Uh...we're here.
What's happening
to me?
You're just
finding out
what it's like to
get kicked around.
But why is everybody
suddenly turning against me?
Well, you're a...
You're a...
I'm sure you're
a really nice person
under layers
and layers of...
Stuff, which you kind of
have to dig through.
But...
I like you.
You do?
If I take comfort
from you
Yeah.
Would you hold me
to something more?
If I hold out my hand
would you start
making plans for us two?
Um...well...thanks for
rescuing me back there...
If I take comfort
from you
Edwin.
Oh, it's too much
for this girl
I could never be what
you see in me
but don't go get the idea
I'd turn away
or I wouldn't care
Wow.
Cute outfit.
Looking great.
How's it going?
You never
return my calls.
Hey, Genevieve.
Oh, good morning,
starla.
I love
your new perfume.
What's that called?
I remember.
It's called over.
Oh, yeah?
Oh, and in case
you didn't know,
your beret looks
totally retarded!
Come on.
Let's go. Let's go.
She was a wide-eyed
girl
her lips, as sweet
as a tangerine
but only lord knows
why she want to fuck with me
[TV playing]
[Laughter]
French bitch
stole my man 'cause she felt
the need to scratch an itch
you've given her candy
and you've given her snow
but the dirty little
motherlover won't let go
French bitch
stole my man 'cause she felt
the need to scratch an itch
you've given her candy
and you've given her snow
she was
a wide-eyed girl
[Song continues]
And now she's trying
to take my man
from underneath
my nails
[Song continues]
French bitch
[Genevieve reading
announcements]
Starla: what else
could she take from me,
other than my life?
I was gonna get this leech
before she sucked me dry.
Please find Genevieve leplouff,
Paris, France.
Please e-mail me
at superstarla.Com.
[Sighs]
J'ai mal agi,
et j'ai trs honte de moi.
Je t'en supplie.
Pardonnez-moi.
I don't speak French!
I have done
despicable things,
but only because
i was dazzled
by the beauty
of your life.
Please do not
kiss my knees.
That is just
too squirrely for words.
I am malice
aforethought,
the daughter
of evil,
the whore
of Babylon.
I know you could
never forgive me,
but at least let me
try to explain.
Explain what?!
Not long ago, I had
a beautiful family myself.
My life fell apart
like a dry croissant.
But then I came here,
and you opened up your limbs
and welcomed me to
your family's warm bosom,
and let me
into your world.
And then, poof...
Thanks to you,
i had a new family.
I admired you so much.
I adored you.
And then...And then
i wanted to be you.
Your life is
like a fairy tale.
You are so beautiful
and sophistique
and charmante--
everything I wasn't.
I became obsessed.
I was so jealous of you.
You poor thing.
It must have
been hard.
I tried to take
your family away.
How can you
ever forgive me?
I almost feel guilty
my life was so perfect.
No wonder
you were jealous.
Don't blame yourself.
It is not you
who should feel guilty.
I know this sounds
strange, but...
If it wasn't for you
totally messing up
my life,
I would have
never realized
what it's like
to not be the best.
Maybe it'll make me
an even better person.
I will make
everything right.
I swear it,
on the graves of mon pre
and my beloved Jean-Marie.
I must, or I will
lose my soul.
There is only one way
to extinguish my guilt.
I must come cleanly.
The tape.
Oh, starla, that outfit
suits you so well.
I'm so happy that we
are friends once again.
[Kiss kiss]
Me, too. But first
things first.
We don't want to be late
for French class.
After my confession,
you will once more
be the Princess
of splendona high.
Trust me.
I will make sure
everyone will know
the truth.
Oh, let me do that.
I'm just so happy
to get my life back.
Hey, starla,
good to see you back.
I love your shoes!
Howdy, y'all.
Beautiful day.
[Voices echoing]
Uh...
Can't it wait?
We're on our way to--
what are you
doing with her?
It's like a miracle.
She turned over the tape,
and she's gonna confess
everything.
Are you ok?
Sure. I never
felt better.
She went through
this whole catholic thing--
kissing my knees
and calling herself a whore.
It was like
taxicab confessions.
We're gonna get everything
straightened away.
I'll be
head hornette again.
I'll be a lock for the junior
anchorpersons competition.
You'd take
Kyle back?
Well, yeah.
What?
Nothing.
Hope it all
works out.
You deserve it.
Freak.
What was
that about?
I have no idea.
[Distorted voices]
Wow.
[Monsieur Duke
speaking French]
Young lady, you are no longer
a member of my class.
Now, I don't want
any trouble from you,
so why don't you
just turn around--
uno momento,
s'il vous plait.
Genevieve has
a little something
she wants to get
off her chest.
Go on. Tell them
what really happened.
Play this tape.
Starla, I won't have you
disrupting this class.
Monsieur Duke,
some things are
a little more important
than French class.
In fact...
Most things are.
Ha ha ha!
Play this tape! Now!
Immdiatement. andele.
Genevieve:
please, do as she says.
Play the tape,
i beg you.
Starla's voice:
The whole school
is nothing but a bunch
of phony posers,
a nest of users, losers,
and self-abusers.
Actually, that's
not the right tape.
I think we'd all like
to hear the rest.
[Screaming]
Starla's voice: Don't get me
started on monsieur le Duke,
Mr. "I'm married,
but teenage girls
make my pop my Jimmy
in my fruit de looms."
And I'll tell you
something else.
He and his wife Marilyn get
together with the neighbors,
and they take off all
their clothes, and they--
that'll be
enough of that.
You don't understand!
She switched the tapes!
And I suppose that wasn't
your voice we were hearing?
Aah!
[Screaming]
[Shouting in French]
She's got a knife,
and she's high!
You bitch!
[Screaming]
Securit! securit!
[Screaming continues]
[Door opens]
Come with me.
[Vomits]
Oh, my. Come on.
Ha ha ha...
Come on.
If these turn out good,
could I order prints?
This is sheriff
Ronald flinkman
of the splendona
sheriff's department.
Attendez-vous,
s'il vous plait.
Miss Grady, this is
sheriff flinkman.
Oh, yes. We've been
expecting your call
ever since the school
phoned us about our starla.
Then you know she's probably
in a spot of trouble?
You might want to come
down here and pick her up.
Well, to tell you
the truth, officer,
I talked it over
with my husband, Arnie,
and we both feel
a little tough love
might be in order.
If we just sort of let
starla cool her heels
in the slammer
for a couple of days?
Would it be ok?
Well, hell, yeah.
Very good, then.
Thank you,
sheriff flink...Man.
Bye.
At last...
A parent who cares.
Who was that?
Starla.
she called to say
she'd be working
all night with ed,
rehearsing her news piece
for the competition,
and she'll meet us
there tomorrow.
Oh.
Ok.
Am I getting out
of here?
I'm sorry, honey.
Not yet.
But we're gonna let you
get all cleaned up.
Just being in here
makes me feel dirty.
To be honest, I could
use a nice, hot bath.
None of y'all has got
any cream rinse?
Dear god...
I promise, if you
let me out of here,
to become a sweeter...
More caring
and considerate person.
Thank you, god, for giving me
this cell all to myself.
I take that as a sign.
[Door opens]
[Snoring]
[Woman farting]
Ugh!
[Door opens]
Now what?
You are free,
darling.
Oh!
Where's mom and dad?
Genevieve told them
that you'd meet them
at the junior
anchorperson competition.
So they let me
rot in prison?
Well, they didn't
really know.
Well, then
who bailed me out?
I did.
You? how?
I thought you
might need this.
That your broke
your piggy bank for me?
Yeah. well, somebody
had to do something.
Why? you don't
even like me.
Nobody fucks
with my family
and gets away
with it.
Now let's go.
Where are we going?
To the car.
You don't have
a car.
Someone else
does.
[Sighs] if you're
here to tell me
what a jerk I am,
take a number.
No, but before
we move on,
I have to say...
You were monumentally
cruel to me.
I know.
But can we
please hurry?
Because I don't want
to miss the competition.
There's a piece of
information you should know.
Uh...this came
in your e-mail.
I think you might
like to read it.
"Genevieve leplouff
was a student at our school
"who graduated in 1939.
"You'll find her grave
at the cemetery in Paris,
"just 3 headstones
behind Jim Morrison
and 2 headstones
to the right of balzac."
What?!
Where'd you find
this girl, anyway?
I didn't find her!
She found me!
Who is she?
There's more.
Spit it out!
Sorry.
what is it?
I thila fiend
is trying to steal
your place
in the competition.
I overheard her
practicing your piece.
What?!
That cow
is incredible!
She's
an ice-cold pro.
Yeah? well, I'm gonna
kick her ice-cold ass!
What?
"Kick her
ice-cold ass."
Ice...cow...ass.
Ice cow ass!
Ice cow ass!
Come on!
Take me home!
Man: welcome, everyone,
to the k.E.H.A. Studios
junior anchorpersons
competition.
The winner of the junior
anchorpersons competition
will be awarded
a scholarship
to study broadcasting
at Wellesley college,
the big chance to reach
fame and fortune.
Is Susan Douglas
from thompkins high
with "mulch,
the gardener's friend."
Girl: my name
is Susan Douglas,
and my story tonight
is important
because
the world needs mulch.
[Tires screech]
[Tires screech]
Yes!
Where is starla?
Mamai have
been thinking.
The important thing
is for the show to go on.
I will fill in for starla
if she's not here in time.
Oui, papi have
given the judges
I think it's what
she would have wanted.
[Tires screech]
I'm gonna put a 2-second
dissolve in here, ok?
Yeah. whatever.
[Typing]
Thomas: next up,
ladies and gentlemen,
will be Doreen gilmore
of splendona high
with "color-blind."
[Bleating and hissing]
[Horse neighs]
Tonight, I'm gonna introduce you
to the haskel family--
James, lerlene,
and their 7-year-old son Ronny.
Ronny hasn't seen much tragedy
or pain in his young life,
but as you'll
discover tonight,
it's what he doesn't see
that truly hurts.
Doreen's voice:
He was like any child,
but early on, lerlene noticed
her son was not like any child.
Ronny was helping me
set the table for dinner,
and I said, "Ronny,
bring mama the ketchup."
And he said,
"which one's that?"
And I said,
"the red one, darling."
[Dramatic music playing]
He brought me the mustard.
[Audience groans]
Doreen's voice:
The diagnosis was horrifying.
Little Ronny was color-blind.
Little Ronny's older brother,
as well as his father,
had been very upset
by lerlene's reaction...
[Voice fades]
This is it.
I'd better hurry
and deliver this tape.
Wait.
I've wanted to be
an anchorperson my whole life.
What if I'm no good?
What if I fail?
What if the best
i can do...Is cable?
What? do I have
something on my face?
You just make me laugh,
that's all.
Go get 'em,
cable girl.
Well,
as Nietzsche says,
that which
does not kill us
only makes us
stronger.
Thanks...i think.
[Sighs]
Doreen: that is a question
for the experts.
On a personal note, I would
just like to say to y'all
little Ronny
is so young...So young.
I don't know
what kind of god does this.
Thank you.
[Applause]
Dude, you're not
supposed to be in here.
...a substitution
in the entries.
Taking the place
of starla Grady
will be
Genevieve leplouff.
[Applause]
You got the wrong tape
for starla Grady.
Thomas: Genevieve leplouff,
ladies and gentlemen,
with "missing girl."
[Applause and cheering]
Thanks, man.
Tonight, I'm standing in
for starla Grady,
who has shown me
so much love.
It pains me to report
that starla could not
be here tonight
because she has suffered
a temporary setback
in her ongoing battle
with...Drug addiction.
Today she's in prison,
strung-out and disgraced,
her once-proud reputation
in tatters.
It seems that starla
has had a double identity.
She deceived
her friends and family
but unfortunately,
could not deceive herself.
How did she pay for
this addiction?
I will simply say
that prostitution
is one of the most ancient
forms of commerce.
[Audience gasps]
What?!
Give me strength.
My subject is the tragedy
of missing children.
Tonight I'll tell you
the heartbreaking story
of one little girl who has been
missing for too long.
Video, please.
Take a good look
at this missing girl.
It's Genevieve leplouff,
the French exchange student
we have all come
to know and love.
Right?
Or is she
someone else?
[Audience gasps]
Look again.
Many of you
might recognize
this little miss
of a girl.
It's Clarissa fogelsey,
formerly of
splendona, Texas.
[Audience gasps]
Oh, my god!
Yeah, you go, girl.
[Audience talking excitedly]
Isn't that right,
Clarissa?
[Texas accent] Oh,
you are such a loser bitch!
[Audience gasps]
Ok, that is
not French.
That's not even
European.
Damn you,
starla Grady!
For those of you who might
not remember Clarissa,
this clip courtesy
of the archives
of my father,
Mr. Arnold Grady,
might refresh
your memory.
[Music playing]
Starla:
it was in third grade,
when little Clarissa
had a most unfortunate encounter
with the ice cow.
[Audience laughing]
I remember that.
Ha ha ha!
Whatever happened
to Clarissa
after she was caught
kissing the ice cow's ass?
[Laughter continues]
Now we know the truth.
Clarissa's family
moved to France.
Surely some of you
remember.
One day,
for some reason,
she created
Genevieve leplouff
and returned
to splendona,
where me
and my family
unknowingly
took her in,
gave her love
and understanding.
She waged a smear
campaign against me.
How could you
do this to me?
Yes, it's true.
I admit it.
I wanted to ruin
your life,
and I'll
tell you why.
Because you
ruined mine!
See? you don't even
remember, do you?
It was you
who told me to kiss
that ice cow's ass
for good luck,
and I fell for it!
[Audience laughing]
Is that so funny?
Even after my family
moved away,
the pain remained!
Don't you see?
She ruined my life!
I'm the victim here.
[Audience laughing]
Girl: get over it!
No, no.
She's right.
[Sighs]
I...starla Grady...
Take responsibility
for Clarissa's pain.
Clarissa, I'm sorry.
Come on, splendona.
Help me embrace Clarissa
and let her know that
her long nightmare is over.
Welcome home, Clarissa!
[Cheering and applause]
Amazing. she's even
locked this one up.
You manipulative brat.
You used me again.
Look at you,
so self-righteous,
you're a bigger fake
than I could ever be.
Why, Clarissa, whatever
are you talking about?
You know goddamn well
what I'm talking about!
You humiliated me
in front of
this piece of crap town
all over again
just to win some
stupid competition!
[Audience groans]
We're just alike,
you and me.
We both created
ourselves,
and we both use other people
as a means to get what we want.
You know, you always
were a bad loser!
Oh, I hate you.
I hate you
and this town
and all the pathetic
inbreds that live here!
[Audience gasps]
Say what you want
about me,
but don't mess
with splendona!
Oh!
[Cheering and applause]
Starla.
Starla!
Starla! starla.
I was a jerk.
I was
a complete jerk.
I was seduced
la fiend.
But it's you
who I love.
How can i
make it up to you?
[Sighs]
Kyle...
oh...
Kyle...
Beautiful Kyle...
Oh, thank you, baby.
Do I have
the word "doormat"
stamped across
my forehead,
you enormous
bonehead?!
You are so fired
as my boyfriend!
Uh!
[Whimpering]
Slapping people
is fun.
Ed.
Thomas:
ladies and gentlemen,
may I have
your attention, please?
Where
are you going?
The judges have completed
their deliberations.
Arnie: baby.
Come here.
Come on.
Honey,
come on.
What we saw here today
were, in parts,
truly unusual presentations.
But I'm
very happy to say
that the decision
was completely unanimous.
All right, let's start...
Ed! ed!
Hey! what's the matter
with you?
You know, I just
realized something.
This is your world.
There's no place for me.
What are you
talking about?
Starla, why don't you
just go back in
and receive your award?
You worked so hard for it.
I don't care about
the competition anymore.
That doesn't sound
like the starla I know.
Well...people
can change.
Thomas:
and now, the winner
of the junior
anchorpersons award
and the recipient
of a full scholarship
to study broadcasting
at Wellesley college is...
Doreen gilmore
for "color-blind."
What?!
Come on up here, Doreen.
That sneaky
pseudo-sentimental fake
is stealimy show?!
I guess it doesn't
matter...Does it?
You're right.
What the hell?
I'm speechless.
Thank you guys
so much out there.
This means
a lot to me.
Let's get out
of here.
Starla: next fall,
I'm going to Wellesley college,
without a scholarship.
I mean, if Doreen gilmore
thinks she can keep me
from sitting on a couch
with Katie Couric,
she's got
another thing coming.
I know. I know.
There's room for everyone.
I told Randolph
that I was a vegetarian.
He was surprisingly
accepting.
He told me that
he'd been putting blanks
in daddy's guns for years.
That was a nice moment.
[Cows mooing]
When you stop being
who you're supposed to be
and start being
who you really are.
I mean, who ever thought
a blue-eyed geek from
upstate New York named Edwin
would be the first person
to take me over the state line?
Starla?
Bonjour, y'all.
Bust it
[Music playing]
lions gate entertainment
bust it
you want it
you got it
you want it,
baby, you got it
you want it
you got it
if you want it,
baby, you got it
you want it
you got it
if you want it,
baby, you got it
she was a wide-eyed girl
her lips, as sweet
as a tangerine
but only lord knows
why she want to fuck with me
I'll bring enough
to her house
but I've been keepin' clean
French bitch
you're wasting your time
stole my man 'cause she felt
the need to scratch an itch
you've given her candy
and you've given her snow
but the dirty little
motherlover won't let go
French bitch
you're wasting your time
stole my man 'cause she felt
the need to scratch an itch
you've given her candy
and you've given her snow
she was
a wide-eyed girl
[Song continues]
And now she's trying
to take my man
from underneath
my nails
[Song continues]
French bitch
stole my man 'cause she felt
the need to scratch an itch
you've given her candy
and you've given her snow
but the dirty little
motherlover won't let go
French bitch
stole my man 'cause she felt
the need to scratch an itch
you've given her candy
and you've given her snow
but the dirty little
motherlover won't let go
French bitch
stole my man 'cause she felt
the need to scratch an itch
you've given her candy
and you've given her snow
[Song continues]
lions gate entertainment
girl: we're all capable
of doing bad things.
Lord knows,
I've done my share,
things
I'm truly ashamed of.
But should my life,
so young and full
of sweet promise,
be tragically cut down
before it ever
had a chance to shine?
[Vomits]
If I ever get out of here,
as god as my witness,
somebody's gonna pay.
Or as the great
German philosopher
Fred Nietzsche once said,
that which does not kill us
is gonna wish it had,
because we're about
to fed-ex its sorry ass
back to skank central,
where it came from...
Or something like that.
My daddy always says everything
is bigger here in Texas,
even the sky.
I don't know
how true that is,
since I've never
been over the state line.
[Cows mooing]
I do know
that the lone star state
has produced
lots of famous people.
John Wayne
is from Texas;
also presidents eisenhower,
Johnson, bush, and bush;
Ann Richards,
who's a democrat
but a really cool person;
the Mary Kay
of Mary Kay cosmetics;
and one day soon, me.
I was gonna join the ranks
of these illustrious texans,
no matter what it took.
I was gonna be a TV star.
I know
what you're thinking--
why would some
supremely smart girl like me
want to be just a TV star?
The answer--
good morning, America.
What could be more
satisfying and rewarding
than knowing that,
every morning,
this great American nation
with a smile?
I never doubted I'd make it
if I followed
the path to the top
footstep by footstep,
and tonight was
a very crucial footstep.
Starla, we don't want
to be late, darling.
I'm ready.
Oh, all eyes are gonna
be on my little girl.
Oh, daddy, please.
Enjoy it while
you can, cupcake,
before time and gravity
do their dirty work.
You just look
beautiful, darling.
Doesn't she just look
beautiful, Randolph?
She looks like
a drag queen.
Shut up,
Poindexter.
Hush!
What do you know
about drag queens?
Get out of here.
I am what I am
straight out of
Cali, Cali
I am bringing it to you
Starla, have you decided
if we're gonna participate
in that foreign exchange
thing or not?
It is an honor to be
selected as a host family.
Mama, you've been bugging me
about this for months now.
What do I want
some little French tart
running
around here for?
Honey,
in her letters,
that little girl
just sounds so sweet,
and she wants to
come here so badly.
Mama's only thinking
about you, honey.
You know you can't
afford to fail French.
I know.
I just don't have time
to be entertaining
some foreigner.
And besides, we pulled
their ungrateful French butts
out of 2 world wars.
Isn't that enough?
Now, starla, I want
you to remember--
there's no shame in not
winning the beauty pageant.
It's not a beauty pageant.
It's a celebration
of all that it means
to be a modern woman--
charm, class,
and sophistication.
[Music playing]
Beef, it beats
any vegetable
beef, mmm,
it tastes incredible
beef,
nothing's indigestible
about beef
beef, it's what's for dinner
every day...
It's the little things
she does.
Look at her eyebrows
when she sings "beef."
Here it comes.
...no to beef
Isn't that darling?
"Beef." See it?
[Whispering] what?
I don't like this
Japanese music.
It's Mozart.
No, smarty.
Mozart played
the piano.
Kyle, you know you're not
supposed to be in here.
I just came by to wish
my best babe luck.
Oh, thank you.
But I won't need it.
All that's left is
the interview portion,
and there's no way
i can lose.
No matter what they ask,
I'm gonna bring up god.
Then me and you can do
some celebrating.
Woman: places, ladies.
Let's tuck and stuff it.
Go get 'em, sweetie.
Makeup!
The very first
miss splendona beef,
former Dallas cowboy
cheerleader,
and current
pageant coordinator,
miss Kimmy sue
Caldwell sprinkle.
Thank you.
Announcer:
and our 3 finalists!
Kimmy sue: I will ask
each finalist one question,
beginning with
Ashley lopezi Lopez.
[Applause]
Ashley, do you think
it's possible
for a woman
to have a career
and still be a good
homemaker and caregiver?
I think anything
is possible
as long as you have
faith in the lord!
[Cheering and applause]
I love you, Jesus!
[Applause continues]
That tramp.
She played the god card.
Kimmy sue:
And finally,
our final finalist,
a fine young lady,
starla Grady.
[Applause]
Starla, if you
had to sum up
your personal
philosophy
in one word,
what would it be?
Community.
This world
would be better off
if we didn't spend
so much time on our knees,
worshipping
at the altar of self.
Now, I admit,
i have enjoyed
enormous success
as an individual.
Yes, I was
a junior intern
for the Texas state legislature
2 summers in a row.
Of course
my peers voted me
most likely to wind up
in people magazine.
But all of these
accolades mean nothing
if I'm not servicing
my community.
[Light applause]
And gosh, I'm just
so darn proud of splendona,
I want the whole
world to know
what a very special
community we live in.
And so, in the spirit
of global warming,
my family, the Arnold gradys
of mockingbird Lane,
have decided to host
splendona's first-ever,
all the way from Paris, France,
foreign exchange student!
[Loud applause]
Well, she's locked
this one up.
[Moo]
Starla: gosh, I wonder
what she'll be like.
Bootsie: well, I'm sure
she'll just be darling.
Oh, my gosh!
Here they come!
I'm so excited!
[French accent]
Hello. I am Genevieve.
Bonjour!
bonjour!
[Loudly]
in honor of your visit,
we learned
a little French culture.
Arnie, would you
like to start?
Start what?
The thing...
Oh, right.
Libert.
Egalit.
Ennui.
That is not the word
that we agreed upon.
If that is some kind
of French profanity,
Randolph Scott Grady,
i swear--
it means "boredom
unto death."
Oh. well,
then that's ok.
Everybody wave
to the camera now.
Smile!
smile, everybody!
Here she is.
Isn't she cute?
All right,
that's enough.
Man: runnin' from the rat race
just as fast as I can
take off my tie
so I can breathe
me, I'm going
where the fresh air...
Mon dieu.
It is like a castle.
It is so huge.
Just wait till you
see what's inside.
Walk in the country
with me
watch the sun
sinking down on the trees
Surprise!
surprise!
Ha ha ha!
Come on.
We're having fun.
Isn't she precious?
Hi. how are you?
Good to see you.
Thank you for coming.
Isn't she just adorable?
Starla, you have
so many friends.
Yeah. well, it's
a blessing and a curse.
With trend-setting
comes responsibility.
Hi. how are you?
Good to see you.
And get you introduced.
Randolph, get the luggage.
Genevieve, these are
my 2 best friends in the world--
Ashley Lopez
and Tanner Jennings.
So, this is our little
French visitor?
Oui. that means yeah.
It's what hip people
in France say.
Oh.
oh.
[Loudly] do you
speak American?
She's French, Tanner,
not deaf.
Want a ciggie?
Oh...no,
i do not smoke.
I thought all
you Europeans
smoked
like chimneys.
For a time I did,
but it took away
my appetite
and made me drop
the weight like flies.
And?
and?
See you.
Those two are real sweet,
but they're big sluts.
Starla.
Hey, stud.
Hey...studette.
Mmm...
Mmm...a-1.
Genevieve leplouff,
this is my boyfriend,
Kyle Fuller.
Hello.
mmm...
Never before
have I seen a man
with such, uh...
Um...Big meat.
[Gulp]
Um, Kyle's
class president,
and he's been
quarterback
of the splendona
high longhorns
when I first became
head cheerleader.
Naturally,
we started dating.
It was destiny.
Mmm...
Oh, how romantic.
Hey, you two
want some meat?
Uh...
Maybe later, sweetie.
Ok.
[Kissing loudly]
If you don't
eat meat around here,
people look at you as if
you're some kind of foreigner.
Oh, sorry.
Here I am giving makeovers
at an old folks' home.
Oh, and this is me
winning the beef pageant.
Oh, and this is me
and a little
humane society puppy
that totally puked
all over my new suede jacket
I swear, I wanted to put
that damn dog in the microwave.
In America,
if you want to be famous,
you have to care
about charities and stuff.
It makes people
not hate you.
Which reminds me...
These are
some old clothes
I'm giving to the...
Something thrift store,
either for breast cancer
or burn victims.
What is this?
Oh, it's a checklist--
50 steps to become
abc's $6-million woman
and host of
good morning, America.
What's the junior
anchorperson competition?
Oh, it's, like,
a contest
where everyone
picks a subject
and then makes
a video about it.
Mine's about
missing children.
My mama got it made at
a professional news studio.
Is that allowed?
Well, that's how they do it
in the big-time.
You think Katie Couric
cuts her own?
When I win,
I'm gonna use
the college
scholarship
and then it's just
a hop, skip, and a jump
to doing TV weather,
working for George or Jeb--
whoever's president
at the time--
and then
going national.
Oh, starla, your life
is so formidable,
so puissante, so chic.
Welcome to my world.
[Engine starts]
[Tires squealing]
There is no map,
there are no signs
we're on our way,
we're crossing lines
strap on your boots,
go pack your bags
no time to rest,
no time to lag
and you know
everyone here
has been invited to go
whoa-oh
and you know,
we're on our way
into the unknown
You are amazing.
It's my job to be
amazing, Genevieve,
and I take that job
very seriously.
Oh, here. Let me
carry your books.
Hey, starla.
You look great.
Hey, starla.
What's up?
It's very important
to maintain good relations
with your public.
Ashley, Tanner!
It's ok.
It's French.
Oh.
oh.
Hey, isle of lesbo
off the starboard bow.
Hey, Doreen, what
an interesting perfume.
What is that? C.K. Spam?
[Girls laughing]
Hey, beef queen.
What do you want, ed?
Let's see...
In a word, community.
And to meet
the secret weapon
that bagged
your latest crown.
Hey, leave her alone, ed.
She's new to this country.
Hi. ed Mitchell.
Oh. Genevieve leplouff.
Come on.
You can watch me
wait. you're gonna pass up
a photo op, huh?
That's right.
Front page of the school paper.
"Beef queen hosts
foreign exchange student,"
et cetera, et cetera,
ad vomitosis.
But...with
a big, fat picture.
[Sighs]
what a bore.
Well, it would be
a great way
for people to learn
about Genevieve.
So generous.
I'm touched.
So, come on. Let's see
a big, meaty smile, huh?
Bite me, you big
Manhattan poser.
I'm from Albany.
Can we shoot this puppy
while I'm still young?
No, come on. I want
Genevieve in this, too.
Oh, right.
Come on.
Oh, no. It's...
No. come on.
Ok. can you say
fromage?
Un, deux, trois...
Oh!
oh, I'm sorry.
I am so clumsy.
Je suis desol.
Not to worry.
We'll just take another.
Just think of the camera
as a mirror,
and you're smiling
at yourself.
Ok.
Ok, let's try again.
In 3, 2...
Good morning,
splendona high.
This is starla Grady
with the morning news.
Principal mcfarland
wishes everyone to note
that rumors
of a botulism outbreak
in the school cafeteria
are highly exaggerated.
"The tuna casserole is
just as fresh this week
as it was last week."
[Students laughing]
And now...
Global news roundup.
Israeli-palestinian peace talks
broke down again yesterday
without any progress
towards a compromise.
Ugh. something disgusting
happened in Africa...Again.
And on a more local note,
remember, all you longhorns,
the big game against farmerville
is Friday night at 8:00.
And that's pretty much
the size of it.
So from all of us here
at k-long,
this is
starla Grady saying...
Can't we all just get along?
Girl: and we're out.
Thank you, starla.
Great.
Good job.
Thank you.
Hmph.
Wow.
Now, y'all should have read
throuchapitre dix
of madame bovary
in the original French.
[Slam]
To te...
To...to...2 te--tes...
To test
our comprehension, um...
Can someone summarize for me
flaubert's thesis?
Anyone?
Oui. starla.
Will this be on the final?
En franais,
s'il vous plait.
Will this be on
la finale?
[Laughter]
Yes.
[Bell rings]
Saved by la belle.
Girl: 5, 6, 7, 8.
Kimmy sue: You call
yourselves hornettes?
I've seen better kicks
from pregnant women!
Oh, come on!
Hey, Genevieve.
Oh, Kyle.
Bonjour.
I was just
watching starla.
She really knows how
to spread her legs.
Uh...to kick.
She knows
how to kick.
It must be nice
to have
a girl like that
stuck on your body--
your arm. Uh...
Stuck on your arm.
Ha. my english
is not so good.
What I mean
to say is, um...
I'm very happy
to know starla...
And you.
Inside of me,
I'm very, very warm.
[Gulp]
7, 8, and foot, and back,
announcer:
ladies and gentlemen,
splendona high's marching band
and the hornettes!
Let's move!
Let's move!
Let's move!
Let's move!
Let's move!
Let's hear it
for the hornettes...
And their captain,
starla Grady.
[Cheering and applause]
Mrs. Grady,
you must be so proud.
Oh, yes, we are.
We're very proud.
Will you hand mama
a fresh iced tea, please?
Starla:
excuse me.
Thank you.
So, what did you think?
Oh, it is
so exciting.
I've never
before seen
the American
football.
Oh, right, the game.
But what did you
think of me?
Ah, tu
es splendide.
Une apparition en voyage
au ciel sur un nuage.
I'm sure that means
something real sweet.
Thank you.
Announcer: we've got one heck
of a battle going on here.
Splendona and farmerville
locked in a 14-14 tie.
On one. Spread out
left on one.
Quarterback Kyle Fuller,
number 8,
leads his longhorns
to the 38 yard line,
she clings to me
like cellophane
fake plastic submarine
slowly driving me insane
but now that's over
so what
if the sex was great?
Just a temporary escape
another thing
i grew to hate
but now that's over
why do you always kick me
when I'm...
Knock me down
till we see eye to eye
figured her out
I know she may not be
miss right
but she'll do right now
Announcer:
still trailing by 2 points
with just 10 seconds
left in the game.
Kyle Fuller's gonna need
to conjure up
some powerful magic
this time.
Option right on 2.
Grrr!
Ready! break!
Blue 21!
Ready!
Hut! hut!
[Cheering]
Announcer: touchdown!
Splendona wins!
The longhorns win!
Kyle Fuller did it again!
[Screaming]
Yeah!
Yeah! yeah! Yes!
Yeah!
[Screaming]
Starla: it doesn't
get better than this.
If only I'd seen
the writing on the wall.
I just didn't know
it was in French.
So, Genevieve,
how do you like Texas?
Ah, Mrs. Grady,
I'm loving it.
It is all
so beautiful.
As beautiful
as France?
For me, France
will always be filled
with the stench
of death.
Yeah, we get that
here, too,
when the wind
is out of the southeast.
Honey, bring me
a Margarita.
Last summer,
i fell in love
with a boy
from marseilles--
Jean-Marie.
Jean-Marie
was a gypsy,
and he had
the soul of a poet.
By day, we would run
through the fields of lilac,
and at night,
he would caress my face
under the French moon.
Ooh la la.
Our love was pure,
but papa,
he hated Jean-Marie.
You see, I had
cared for papa
ever since my mother died
in a boating accident,
and he was terrified
i would run away.
Mon dieu.
Then one fateful night,
boom! papa's poor heart
attacked him,
and I'm the orphan.
Jean-Marie came
to papa's funeral
and vowed his
undying love for me.
We decided to leave
the very next day
where he would join
tcirque d'or as a juggler,
and I...I wanted
nothing more
than to bear his children
and wash his leotards.
We decided to meet
the next day at the station.
I wait, and I wait.
Day turned to night.
And still
no Jean-Marie.
Oh.
oh.
It was only later
i learned
that on his way
to meet me,
he must have been
so excited,
because he drove
too fast
and flew off
his motorcycle
into the seine
and drowned.
That is so...
European.
Don't cry for me.
In France, we are told
that sadness and joy
are sisters
holding hands,
each one lost
without the other.
Oui.
oui.
And then that gorgeous,
romantic Jean-Marie
was thrown off his motorcycle
and drowned in the seine.
God, y'all, that is
totaltitanic.
Hey, Titanic
was a movie.
What happened
to Genevieve was real.
Before Titanic
was a movie,
it was real.
Duh!
Feast your eyes, ladies.
Let me see.
Let me see.
Whoa.
Starla:
where am I?
And, Genevieve, what
happened to you?
I want to do
a whole page on Genevieve.
No. I could not
possibly.
Then you can tell
your whole sad sob story.
Ashleoui.
People will feel
real sorry for you,
but this article was
supposed to be about me...
Welcoming Genevieve,
and I think an article on you
is a great idea.
It could be about
how I brought you here
and how I'm helping you adjust
to a different culture.
Well...if you insist.
Trs bien, Doreen.
Vous etes
une bonne tudiante.
Je suis trs fier.
Merci.
Ahem!
Get a life,
you big hairball.
[Speaking French]
[Bell rings]
[Speaking French]
Starla.
Yes?
Your grade has now
dropped below a "c."
I'm afraid I'm
gonna have to inform
the cheerleading
sponsor.
Miss sprinkle? Why?
It's not like I got
fat all of a sudden.
Starla, anything
below a "c"
prohibits you
from participating
in extracurricular
activities,
cheerleading
included.
Get serious!
But I've been head
hornette for 3 years.
I'm sorry. It's
a state regulation--
no pass, no play.
I studied for
that test. I swear!
It's just that...
I was in bed with
serious menstrual cramps.
You know what it's like?
Your whole body aches,
and your breasts
are, like, on fire.
[Breathes deeply]
So, couldn't I just
get another chance?
Please?
Ok. I won't say
anything for 2 weeks.
If you get an "a"
on your oral exam,
that will bump you
up to a "c."
Anything less,
and I'm gonna have to talk
to Mrs. sparkle--
spankle--sprinkle.
[Kiss kiss]
Thanks, monsieur Duke.
One lousy "f,"
and suddenly no cheerleading?
That could totally
screw up my checklist.
That monsieur Duke
is such a...A...
Professeur dedique?
I was thinking
big a-hole,
but whatever.
Bug off, worm.
You know, I could
help you study.
Yeah? and what's
the catch?
There's no catch.
You just got to be nice
to me for the rest
of my life.
You'd exploit this
for emotional blackmail.
That's just mean,
you user.
I'll just get
Genevieve to help me.
Dem a say,
dem a know
if you call them up,
you know they won't show
'cause, sha, everybody
wants to be like you
diddly, diddly,
diddly, diddly
when you're all alone
and thinking at home
and you have no one
to call them your own...
What are you doing?
Omon dieu!
Uje suis desol.
Uh...i...i just wanted
to see what it felt like.
It's ok.
It's no big deal.
Your life
is so glamorous.
I have been struck
by the stars.
Forgive me.
Everybody wants
to be like you
Now I have upset you.
Oh, no.
It's not you.
Genevieve, I'm
gonna fail the exam
unless I learn how to speak
French by next Friday.
I know I'm being
a drama queen,
but if I fail
that class,
I'll be thrown off
the hornettes.
[Sighs] my life could go
completely off the rails.
[Opens soda]
If only I knew someone
who could help.
Starla.
Je suis franaise!
Genevieve, I don't
speak French.
That's the problem.
I am French.
I can teach you.
Oh, I couldn't ask you,
not on top of
everything else you do.
By the way,
did you remember
oui. and don't
be silly.
You have been
so wonderful to me.
I would welcome
the chance to tutor you.
Well, if you insist.
I will make a tape
of these lessons
you can listen to
over and over
until it is
the second nature.
Don't worry.
You will earn high marks
when you give
monsieur Duke oral.
Oh, I'm so glad
everyone you know died
so you had to come
to America.
Kimmy sue: 1, 2, 3.
And shake it
to the front.
A hand, head over.
Up, head, push, push.
5, 6, 7, 8.
1, 2, 3, 4,
5, 6, 7, 8.
[Reading in French]
Hey, Genevieve.
[Shutter clicks]
I'm busy making
the French tape
no, come on. Tell me
all about yourself.
And back,
kick, arch, step.
Me? I am nobody.
A pilot fish swimming
in the wake of
a great white whale.
Nothing of interest
has ever happened to me.
Why don't you let me
be the judge of that?
Fast turn, 7, 8.
Ed, you are so...
What's the word?
Hunky?
Hey, starla.
Hey, starla.
Come to my party.
Great shoes,
starla.
Hey, starla.
You look great.
Hey, Genevieve.
Moi? oh, hello.
What do you know?
You're making friends.
But I don't even
know that girl.
That's called
fame by association.
Girl: wow!
Look at that beret!
Is that how they wear them
in France, Genevieve?
Oui.
She noticed
my beret.
Yeah, I was gonna
say something,
but I didn't want
to embarrass you.
Hey, Genevieve.
Superior article about you
in the school paper.
About you?
"Genevieve bravely put
her tragic past behind her
"to start anew as an American
high-school student.
"What is perhaps most refreshing
is her natural appearance.
"What a relief from the
cosmetically enhanced Barbies
that seem to overpopulate
our school."
Hey, Barbie
is a role model.
You'll have to beat
them off with a stick.
Oui. what does it say
about me?
Mmm...here it is,
right underneath
the lunch menu.
"And for Genevieve's
presence among us,
due thanks must go
to stalra Grady."
"Stalra?"
"Stalra!"
Oh, my gosh.
That is so pathetic.
Ohh! starla,
i cannot bear
that I have
made you unhappy!
I wish I could throw
myself under a plane!
Oh, don't be
such a drama queen.
I'm not mad at you.
I'm mad at ed.
And you wish you could
throw yourself under a train!
I only spoke to him
to tell the world
how much
you have helped me,
and because...
Because I thought
he liked me
in the way
romantique.
That's it. We're not letting him
get away with this.
[Tires screech]
Ladies.
I think it is
so completely despicable
the way you used
poor Genevieve!
Pretending to flirt with her
so she'd open up to you.
Wait a minute.
She flirted with me!
Oh, right. Now that you
got your precious story,
you're just gonna
toss her aside
like an empty can
of diet Pepsi!
I'm not tossing
anybody aside.
You ought to be taken
outside and horsewhipped,
taking advantage
of a foreigner like that.
Please don't try--
it's people like you
who give America a bad name!
You're one to talk,
you conniving blonde bimbo.
[Sobbing]
Now look
what you've done.
I have a good mind
to have Kyle come
and beat you off!
Up. beat you up.
Starla, wait.
Come on.
What kind of shirt
is that?
It's a t-shirt.
Well, it doesn't even
have a logo on it.
Ha ha ha!
Starla:
when I'm done with you,
you're gonna forget
all about that ed.
You never cease
to be aiding me.
I just hope this tape
will help pay you back
for all
you've done to me.
Tanner: ok, listen up.
Top 10 reasons to cross a guy
off your list.
Number one--
he forgets your birthday.
He's always flaunting
his Manhattan sophistication
because he's so...
So...Pseudo.
I mean, what makes him
so special?
We should call him
"special ed."
I mean, what kind of name
is ed anyway?
I heard his real
name is Edwin.
Edwin?
I mean, Genevieve is, like,
this pitiful foreigner,
which makes us all
ambassadors for America, right?
But no, special ed
has to manipulate her
to make himself
look good.
He's so use-orious.
The whole school is nothing
but a bunch of phony posers,
a nest of users, losers,
and self-abusers.
Ok, Genevieve,
all done.
Something wrong?
No. um...
You did
a wonderful job.
Perhaps it is me,
and I'm just not meant
to wear makeup.
Oui. you might
be right.
Where was I?
Oh, yeah. And don't get me
started on monsieur le Duke,
Mr. "I'm married,
but teenage girls
make me pop my Jimmy
in my fruit de looms."
[Click]
Starla:
good morning, mama.
Morning, baby.
Hey, have you
seen Genevieve?
Oh, she and your father
left early. Hunting.
Hunting?
as in shooting?
You know your daddy's
always wanted a child
he could kill things with.
Now he's finally got one.
But Genevieve
hates shooting.
Well, yes, but you have
to remember, starla,
those people think
Jerry Lewis is a god.
What does that have
to do with anything?
What does anything have
to do with anything?
Morning, everyone.
Morning, y'all.
Hey. you girls sleep ok?
Oh, yeah!
Fine, thanks.
Can I bum one of these
off you, Mrs. g?
No. her bed's been empty
all morning.
You little perv.
Ooh, I'm gonna
get you, Randolph!
[Ashley laughing]
Randolph: mom!
Excusez-moi,
mademoiselle.
O se trouve
la bibliothque?
La bibliothque
est au centre ville.
Nous pourrions peut-etre nous
y retrouver la faire l'amour.
What's your problem,
Poindexter?
No problem.
No problem at all.
Oh. hi, honey.
Well, thanks again for coming
out with me today, Genevieve.
It was my
pleasure, papa.
Papa?
I told her she could
call me that.
Sweetheart, she is a part
of this family now.
Hmm.
[Whirring]
[Humming]
[Sniff sniff]
Oh.
Well, I hope
you're ready, starla.
Mais oui.
You're gonna be
so proud, monsieur Duke.
Uh, let's start
with the dialogue
in lesson trois.
Shall we?
C'est bonne.
[Speaking French]
See? and you thought
I wasn't motivated
enough to pass.
Starla--
wait. there's more.
Stop right there,
young lady!
Now, I realize
it's natural
to develop
a crush on an older,
more experienced man,
but I am married.
Ew! you and me?
You wish, Chewbacca.
Sir.
How could i
flunk French?
I was tutored by
a total French girl.
Starla, I just heard.
What happened?
And then he accused me
of coming on to him.
Hello!
Of how this will affect
your cheerleading.
Oh, my gosh.
The hornettes.
I'm gonna
get kicked off.
1, 2, 3, 4,
5, 6, 7, 8.
Kimmy sue:
I just don't understand.
Who cares if you
can speak a language
that sounds like you're
trying to hock a lugie?
Is that really
gonna serve you better
in the real world
than being able
to kick your heels
over your head?
Hey, you're preaching to
the choir, miss sprinkle.
Can't you temporarily
that would just create
an empty space somewhere else.
There's a very delicate
balance here.
5, 6, 7, 8.
1, 2, 3, 4...
Uh...this is
a crazy idea, I know,
but perhaps I could
step in for starla,
just until
she gets her grades up.
You're right.
It's a terrible idea.
Well, now wait.
Can you dance?
[ Bust a move
by young m.C. Playing]
This here's a tale
for all the fellas
try to do
what those ladies tell us
get shot down
'cause you're overzealous
play hard-to-get,
females get jealous
ok, smarty,
go to a party
girls are scantily clad
and showing body
a chick walks by,
you wish you could sex her
but you're standing on the
wall like you was Poindexter
next day's function,
high-class luncheon...
Is that our girl?
Ooh la la.
She's no
starla.
Thank you, Randolph.
She looks nothing
like a drag queen.
Says she want to dance
'cause she likes to groove
so come on, fatso,
and just bust a move
just bust a move
[Crowd gasps]
Just bust a move
[Crowd gasps]
[Crowd gasps]
You're on a mission
someone could cure
your lonely condition
looking for love
in all the wrong places
no fine girls,
just ugly faces
from frustration,
first inclination
is to become a monk
and leave the situation
my girl runs up
with something to prove
so don't just stand there,
bust a move
if you want it,
you got it...
Hey.
What do you want?
Here to get
your recommended
daily allowance
of homogenized
blonde bimbo?
Here to apologize.
I said some
fairly harsh things.
Oh. well, apology
fairly accepted.
Genevieve came on
to me real hard,
giving me
these French looks.
I fell for it.
But she only did it
to get what she wanted.
I'm beginning
to notice
she always gets
what she wants...
And what I want, too.
Look at the girl,
and your heart starts thumping
says she wants to dance
to a different groove
now you know what
to do, g, bust a move
if you want it,
you got it, huh
if you want it,
baby, you got it
just bust a move
if you want it,
you got it
What you reading?
[Music stops]
[Applause]
Oh, I like dick.
Ok, I'll cut
the crap.
Just tell me what
this means.
[Repeating French
from earlier]
I have a mouth
like 10 fingers
10 fingers--
[screaming]
[Mooing]
Damn! where's
that treacherous skank's
smoking-gun tape?!
Uh!
Ugh!
I need a drink.
She even stole
my diet Pepsi.
What the heck?
Ok, bitch.
It's payback time.
Better watch out
here I come
start it up, daddy,
let's have some fun
all night long
I said all night long
all night long
Where's that snail-eating,
Bordeaux-swilling,
American-foreign-policy-
opposing,
legs-not-shaven slouch?
Whoa, there,
cowgirl!
She is just evil!
She made me learn
bogus French so I'd flunk
and she could take my spot
on the hornettes!
I mean, what kind
of person could be so...
Calculated?
Well...you.
the only reason
you sponsored
that exchange student
was so that you could
win that pageant, right?
What a mean thing
to say.
Oh!
But when it comes to loving,
I'll knock you off your feet
all night long
I said all night long
all night long
you better
keep up with me, baby
You messed with
the wrong kooz, flooz.
Get ready to partay.
Come on, babe.
We're just dancing.
That's not dancing!
That's...dry humping!
Oh! sorry.
That's how we dance
in my country.
Then everyone in your country
is a big, fat whore!
Maybe if you knew how
to keep your man happy,
he wouldn't have to dance
with a whore such as myself.
Ooh...
You...total...
Poo--Tash!
[All shouting]
Starla, why do
you have to be
so nasty
to Genevieve?
Oui. you just can't stand
for anybody else
to have a little bit
of attention,
you stuck-up bitch!
Don't call me
a bitch...Bitch!
You are
a bitch...Bitch!
And we know you
called us sluts.
Yare sluts!
[Screaming]
Boy: girl fight!
[Onlookers cheering
"girl fight!"]
Listen to me,
everybody!
She made a fake tape
so that I'd fail French
and she could
take over my life!
J'accuse!
Let's get you
out of here.
I'm gonna get you,
Kermit!
You're going down!
[Stops engine]
Uh...we're here.
What's happening
to me?
You're just
finding out
what it's like to
get kicked around.
But why is everybody
suddenly turning against me?
Well, you're a...
You're a...
I'm sure you're
a really nice person
under layers
and layers of...
Stuff, which you kind of
have to dig through.
But...
I like you.
You do?
If I take comfort
from you
Yeah.
Would you hold me
to something more?
If I hold out my hand
would you start
making plans for us two?
Um...well...thanks for
rescuing me back there...
If I take comfort
from you
Edwin.
Oh, it's too much
for this girl
I could never be what
you see in me
but don't go get the idea
I'd turn away
or I wouldn't care
Wow.
Cute outfit.
Looking great.
How's it going?
You never
return my calls.
Hey, Genevieve.
Oh, good morning,
starla.
I love
your new perfume.
What's that called?
I remember.
It's called over.
Oh, yeah?
Oh, and in case
you didn't know,
your beret looks
totally retarded!
Come on.
Let's go. Let's go.
She was a wide-eyed
girl
her lips, as sweet
as a tangerine
but only lord knows
why she want to fuck with me
[TV playing]
[Laughter]
French bitch
stole my man 'cause she felt
the need to scratch an itch
you've given her candy
and you've given her snow
but the dirty little
motherlover won't let go
French bitch
stole my man 'cause she felt
the need to scratch an itch
you've given her candy
and you've given her snow
she was
a wide-eyed girl
[Song continues]
And now she's trying
to take my man
from underneath
my nails
[Song continues]
French bitch
[Genevieve reading
announcements]
Starla: what else
could she take from me,
other than my life?
I was gonna get this leech
before she sucked me dry.
Please find Genevieve leplouff,
Paris, France.
Please e-mail me
at superstarla.Com.
[Sighs]
J'ai mal agi,
et j'ai trs honte de moi.
Je t'en supplie.
Pardonnez-moi.
I don't speak French!
I have done
despicable things,
but only because
i was dazzled
by the beauty
of your life.
Please do not
kiss my knees.
That is just
too squirrely for words.
I am malice
aforethought,
the daughter
of evil,
the whore
of Babylon.
I know you could
never forgive me,
but at least let me
try to explain.
Explain what?!
Not long ago, I had
a beautiful family myself.
My life fell apart
like a dry croissant.
But then I came here,
and you opened up your limbs
and welcomed me to
your family's warm bosom,
and let me
into your world.
And then, poof...
Thanks to you,
i had a new family.
I admired you so much.
I adored you.
And then...And then
i wanted to be you.
Your life is
like a fairy tale.
You are so beautiful
and sophistique
and charmante--
everything I wasn't.
I became obsessed.
I was so jealous of you.
You poor thing.
It must have
been hard.
I tried to take
your family away.
How can you
ever forgive me?
I almost feel guilty
my life was so perfect.
No wonder
you were jealous.
Don't blame yourself.
It is not you
who should feel guilty.
I know this sounds
strange, but...
If it wasn't for you
totally messing up
my life,
I would have
never realized
what it's like
to not be the best.
Maybe it'll make me
an even better person.
I will make
everything right.
I swear it,
on the graves of mon pre
and my beloved Jean-Marie.
I must, or I will
lose my soul.
There is only one way
to extinguish my guilt.
I must come cleanly.
The tape.
Oh, starla, that outfit
suits you so well.
I'm so happy that we
are friends once again.
[Kiss kiss]
Me, too. But first
things first.
We don't want to be late
for French class.
After my confession,
you will once more
be the Princess
of splendona high.
Trust me.
I will make sure
everyone will know
the truth.
Oh, let me do that.
I'm just so happy
to get my life back.
Hey, starla,
good to see you back.
I love your shoes!
Howdy, y'all.
Beautiful day.
[Voices echoing]
Uh...
Can't it wait?
We're on our way to--
what are you
doing with her?
It's like a miracle.
She turned over the tape,
and she's gonna confess
everything.
Are you ok?
Sure. I never
felt better.
She went through
this whole catholic thing--
kissing my knees
and calling herself a whore.
It was like
taxicab confessions.
We're gonna get everything
straightened away.
I'll be
head hornette again.
I'll be a lock for the junior
anchorpersons competition.
You'd take
Kyle back?
Well, yeah.
What?
Nothing.
Hope it all
works out.
You deserve it.
Freak.
What was
that about?
I have no idea.
[Distorted voices]
Wow.
[Monsieur Duke
speaking French]
Young lady, you are no longer
a member of my class.
Now, I don't want
any trouble from you,
so why don't you
just turn around--
uno momento,
s'il vous plait.
Genevieve has
a little something
she wants to get
off her chest.
Go on. Tell them
what really happened.
Play this tape.
Starla, I won't have you
disrupting this class.
Monsieur Duke,
some things are
a little more important
than French class.
In fact...
Most things are.
Ha ha ha!
Play this tape! Now!
Immdiatement. andele.
Genevieve:
please, do as she says.
Play the tape,
i beg you.
Starla's voice:
The whole school
is nothing but a bunch
of phony posers,
a nest of users, losers,
and self-abusers.
Actually, that's
not the right tape.
I think we'd all like
to hear the rest.
[Screaming]
Starla's voice: Don't get me
started on monsieur le Duke,
Mr. "I'm married,
but teenage girls
make my pop my Jimmy
in my fruit de looms."
And I'll tell you
something else.
He and his wife Marilyn get
together with the neighbors,
and they take off all
their clothes, and they--
that'll be
enough of that.
You don't understand!
She switched the tapes!
And I suppose that wasn't
your voice we were hearing?
Aah!
[Screaming]
[Shouting in French]
She's got a knife,
and she's high!
You bitch!
[Screaming]
Securit! securit!
[Screaming continues]
[Door opens]
Come with me.
[Vomits]
Oh, my. Come on.
Ha ha ha...
Come on.
If these turn out good,
could I order prints?
This is sheriff
Ronald flinkman
of the splendona
sheriff's department.
Attendez-vous,
s'il vous plait.
Miss Grady, this is
sheriff flinkman.
Oh, yes. We've been
expecting your call
ever since the school
phoned us about our starla.
Then you know she's probably
in a spot of trouble?
You might want to come
down here and pick her up.
Well, to tell you
the truth, officer,
I talked it over
with my husband, Arnie,
and we both feel
a little tough love
might be in order.
If we just sort of let
starla cool her heels
in the slammer
for a couple of days?
Would it be ok?
Well, hell, yeah.
Very good, then.
Thank you,
sheriff flink...Man.
Bye.
At last...
A parent who cares.
Who was that?
Starla.
she called to say
she'd be working
all night with ed,
rehearsing her news piece
for the competition,
and she'll meet us
there tomorrow.
Oh.
Ok.
Am I getting out
of here?
I'm sorry, honey.
Not yet.
But we're gonna let you
get all cleaned up.
Just being in here
makes me feel dirty.
To be honest, I could
use a nice, hot bath.
None of y'all has got
any cream rinse?
Dear god...
I promise, if you
let me out of here,
to become a sweeter...
More caring
and considerate person.
Thank you, god, for giving me
this cell all to myself.
I take that as a sign.
[Door opens]
[Snoring]
[Woman farting]
Ugh!
[Door opens]
Now what?
You are free,
darling.
Oh!
Where's mom and dad?
Genevieve told them
that you'd meet them
at the junior
anchorperson competition.
So they let me
rot in prison?
Well, they didn't
really know.
Well, then
who bailed me out?
I did.
You? how?
I thought you
might need this.
That your broke
your piggy bank for me?
Yeah. well, somebody
had to do something.
Why? you don't
even like me.
Nobody fucks
with my family
and gets away
with it.
Now let's go.
Where are we going?
To the car.
You don't have
a car.
Someone else
does.
[Sighs] if you're
here to tell me
what a jerk I am,
take a number.
No, but before
we move on,
I have to say...
You were monumentally
cruel to me.
I know.
But can we
please hurry?
Because I don't want
to miss the competition.
There's a piece of
information you should know.
Uh...this came
in your e-mail.
I think you might
like to read it.
"Genevieve leplouff
was a student at our school
"who graduated in 1939.
"You'll find her grave
at the cemetery in Paris,
"just 3 headstones
behind Jim Morrison
and 2 headstones
to the right of balzac."
What?!
Where'd you find
this girl, anyway?
I didn't find her!
She found me!
Who is she?
There's more.
Spit it out!
Sorry.
what is it?
I thila fiend
is trying to steal
your place
in the competition.
I overheard her
practicing your piece.
What?!
That cow
is incredible!
She's
an ice-cold pro.
Yeah? well, I'm gonna
kick her ice-cold ass!
What?
"Kick her
ice-cold ass."
Ice...cow...ass.
Ice cow ass!
Ice cow ass!
Come on!
Take me home!
Man: welcome, everyone,
to the k.E.H.A. Studios
junior anchorpersons
competition.
The winner of the junior
anchorpersons competition
will be awarded
a scholarship
to study broadcasting
at Wellesley college,
the big chance to reach
fame and fortune.
Is Susan Douglas
from thompkins high
with "mulch,
the gardener's friend."
Girl: my name
is Susan Douglas,
and my story tonight
is important
because
the world needs mulch.
[Tires screech]
[Tires screech]
Yes!
Where is starla?
Mamai have
been thinking.
The important thing
is for the show to go on.
I will fill in for starla
if she's not here in time.
Oui, papi have
given the judges
I think it's what
she would have wanted.
[Tires screech]
I'm gonna put a 2-second
dissolve in here, ok?
Yeah. whatever.
[Typing]
Thomas: next up,
ladies and gentlemen,
will be Doreen gilmore
of splendona high
with "color-blind."
[Bleating and hissing]
[Horse neighs]
Tonight, I'm gonna introduce you
to the haskel family--
James, lerlene,
and their 7-year-old son Ronny.
Ronny hasn't seen much tragedy
or pain in his young life,
but as you'll
discover tonight,
it's what he doesn't see
that truly hurts.
Doreen's voice:
He was like any child,
but early on, lerlene noticed
her son was not like any child.
Ronny was helping me
set the table for dinner,
and I said, "Ronny,
bring mama the ketchup."
And he said,
"which one's that?"
And I said,
"the red one, darling."
[Dramatic music playing]
He brought me the mustard.
[Audience groans]
Doreen's voice:
The diagnosis was horrifying.
Little Ronny was color-blind.
Little Ronny's older brother,
as well as his father,
had been very upset
by lerlene's reaction...
[Voice fades]
This is it.
I'd better hurry
and deliver this tape.
Wait.
I've wanted to be
an anchorperson my whole life.
What if I'm no good?
What if I fail?
What if the best
i can do...Is cable?
What? do I have
something on my face?
You just make me laugh,
that's all.
Go get 'em,
cable girl.
Well,
as Nietzsche says,
that which
does not kill us
only makes us
stronger.
Thanks...i think.
[Sighs]
Doreen: that is a question
for the experts.
On a personal note, I would
just like to say to y'all
little Ronny
is so young...So young.
I don't know
what kind of god does this.
Thank you.
[Applause]
Dude, you're not
supposed to be in here.
...a substitution
in the entries.
Taking the place
of starla Grady
will be
Genevieve leplouff.
[Applause]
You got the wrong tape
for starla Grady.
Thomas: Genevieve leplouff,
ladies and gentlemen,
with "missing girl."
[Applause and cheering]
Thanks, man.
Tonight, I'm standing in
for starla Grady,
who has shown me
so much love.
It pains me to report
that starla could not
be here tonight
because she has suffered
a temporary setback
in her ongoing battle
with...Drug addiction.
Today she's in prison,
strung-out and disgraced,
her once-proud reputation
in tatters.
It seems that starla
has had a double identity.
She deceived
her friends and family
but unfortunately,
could not deceive herself.
How did she pay for
this addiction?
I will simply say
that prostitution
is one of the most ancient
forms of commerce.
[Audience gasps]
What?!
Give me strength.
My subject is the tragedy
of missing children.
Tonight I'll tell you
the heartbreaking story
of one little girl who has been
missing for too long.
Video, please.
Take a good look
at this missing girl.
It's Genevieve leplouff,
the French exchange student
we have all come
to know and love.
Right?
Or is she
someone else?
[Audience gasps]
Look again.
Many of you
might recognize
this little miss
of a girl.
It's Clarissa fogelsey,
formerly of
splendona, Texas.
[Audience gasps]
Oh, my god!
Yeah, you go, girl.
[Audience talking excitedly]
Isn't that right,
Clarissa?
[Texas accent] Oh,
you are such a loser bitch!
[Audience gasps]
Ok, that is
not French.
That's not even
European.
Damn you,
starla Grady!
For those of you who might
not remember Clarissa,
this clip courtesy
of the archives
of my father,
Mr. Arnold Grady,
might refresh
your memory.
[Music playing]
Starla:
it was in third grade,
when little Clarissa
had a most unfortunate encounter
with the ice cow.
[Audience laughing]
I remember that.
Ha ha ha!
Whatever happened
to Clarissa
after she was caught
kissing the ice cow's ass?
[Laughter continues]
Now we know the truth.
Clarissa's family
moved to France.
Surely some of you
remember.
One day,
for some reason,
she created
Genevieve leplouff
and returned
to splendona,
where me
and my family
unknowingly
took her in,
gave her love
and understanding.
She waged a smear
campaign against me.
How could you
do this to me?
Yes, it's true.
I admit it.
I wanted to ruin
your life,
and I'll
tell you why.
Because you
ruined mine!
See? you don't even
remember, do you?
It was you
who told me to kiss
that ice cow's ass
for good luck,
and I fell for it!
[Audience laughing]
Is that so funny?
Even after my family
moved away,
the pain remained!
Don't you see?
She ruined my life!
I'm the victim here.
[Audience laughing]
Girl: get over it!
No, no.
She's right.
[Sighs]
I...starla Grady...
Take responsibility
for Clarissa's pain.
Clarissa, I'm sorry.
Come on, splendona.
Help me embrace Clarissa
and let her know that
her long nightmare is over.
Welcome home, Clarissa!
[Cheering and applause]
Amazing. she's even
locked this one up.
You manipulative brat.
You used me again.
Look at you,
so self-righteous,
you're a bigger fake
than I could ever be.
Why, Clarissa, whatever
are you talking about?
You know goddamn well
what I'm talking about!
You humiliated me
in front of
this piece of crap town
all over again
just to win some
stupid competition!
[Audience groans]
We're just alike,
you and me.
We both created
ourselves,
and we both use other people
as a means to get what we want.
You know, you always
were a bad loser!
Oh, I hate you.
I hate you
and this town
and all the pathetic
inbreds that live here!
[Audience gasps]
Say what you want
about me,
but don't mess
with splendona!
Oh!
[Cheering and applause]
Starla.
Starla!
Starla! starla.
I was a jerk.
I was
a complete jerk.
I was seduced
la fiend.
But it's you
who I love.
How can i
make it up to you?
[Sighs]
Kyle...
oh...
Kyle...
Beautiful Kyle...
Oh, thank you, baby.
Do I have
the word "doormat"
stamped across
my forehead,
you enormous
bonehead?!
You are so fired
as my boyfriend!
Uh!
[Whimpering]
Slapping people
is fun.
Ed.
Thomas:
ladies and gentlemen,
may I have
your attention, please?
Where
are you going?
The judges have completed
their deliberations.
Arnie: baby.
Come here.
Come on.
Honey,
come on.
What we saw here today
were, in parts,
truly unusual presentations.
But I'm
very happy to say
that the decision
was completely unanimous.
All right, let's start...
Ed! ed!
Hey! what's the matter
with you?
You know, I just
realized something.
This is your world.
There's no place for me.
What are you
talking about?
Starla, why don't you
just go back in
and receive your award?
You worked so hard for it.
I don't care about
the competition anymore.
That doesn't sound
like the starla I know.
Well...people
can change.
Thomas:
and now, the winner
of the junior
anchorpersons award
and the recipient
of a full scholarship
to study broadcasting
at Wellesley college is...
Doreen gilmore
for "color-blind."
What?!
Come on up here, Doreen.
That sneaky
pseudo-sentimental fake
is stealimy show?!
I guess it doesn't
matter...Does it?
You're right.
What the hell?
I'm speechless.
Thank you guys
so much out there.
This means
a lot to me.
Let's get out
of here.
Starla: next fall,
I'm going to Wellesley college,
without a scholarship.
I mean, if Doreen gilmore
thinks she can keep me
from sitting on a couch
with Katie Couric,
she's got
another thing coming.
I know. I know.
There's room for everyone.
I told Randolph
that I was a vegetarian.
He was surprisingly
accepting.
He told me that
he'd been putting blanks
in daddy's guns for years.
That was a nice moment.
[Cows mooing]
When you stop being
who you're supposed to be
and start being
who you really are.
I mean, who ever thought
a blue-eyed geek from
upstate New York named Edwin
would be the first person
to take me over the state line?
Starla?
Bonjour, y'all.
Bust it
[Music playing]
lions gate entertainment
bust it
you want it
you got it
you want it,
baby, you got it
you want it
you got it
if you want it,
baby, you got it
you want it
you got it
if you want it,
baby, you got it
she was a wide-eyed girl
her lips, as sweet
as a tangerine
but only lord knows
why she want to fuck with me
I'll bring enough
to her house
but I've been keepin' clean
French bitch
you're wasting your time
stole my man 'cause she felt
the need to scratch an itch
you've given her candy
and you've given her snow
but the dirty little
motherlover won't let go
French bitch
you're wasting your time
stole my man 'cause she felt
the need to scratch an itch
you've given her candy
and you've given her snow
she was
a wide-eyed girl
[Song continues]
And now she's trying
to take my man
from underneath
my nails
[Song continues]
French bitch
stole my man 'cause she felt
the need to scratch an itch
you've given her candy
and you've given her snow
but the dirty little
motherlover won't let go
French bitch
stole my man 'cause she felt
the need to scratch an itch
you've given her candy
and you've given her snow
but the dirty little
motherlover won't let go
French bitch
stole my man 'cause she felt
the need to scratch an itch
you've given her candy
and you've given her snow
[Song continues]