SlashFM (2022) Movie Script
1
You let me die.
Happy
Halloween, ghouls and goblins.
You're listening to 94.1 Slash FM, the
spookiest station in all of Hazel Falls.
I'm your host, Count Slashula,
and we've got a full day of non-stop
terrifying tunes ahead of us.
But first, lock your doors, close your
blinds, because he is still out there.
Today marks three years
since the mass murders
here in Hazel Falls between
Halloween and Christmas Eve.
Some say the killer is dead.
Some say he still walks among us.
But all we know for certain
is that he was never caught,
so be careful if you're
trick or treating after dark.
You may end up his next victim.
I'm Frederick Loren, and I've rented
the house on Haunted Hill tonight
so that my wife can give a party,
a haunted house party.
She's so amusing.
There'll be food and drink and ghosts,
and perhaps even a few murders.
You're all invited.
If any of you will spend the
next 12 hours in this house,
I'll give you each $10,000. - Hello?
Or your next of
kin in case you don't survive.
Sorry I scared you with my awesome costume.
What are you?
Hello? Pumpkinstein.
50% pumpkin, 50% stein, and 100%
deserving of a full-size chocolate bar.
Now hand it over.
Sorry, I left all the candy back inside.
I'll go get it for you.
Hurry up. I have
more houses to hit.
My god.
You scared me.
Sharp costume.
Get it? Machete?
No? Okay.
Well, this guy's getting candy.
He'll be back in a few seconds.
Well, Pumpkinstein, I
hope you like Almond Joy.
What?
Come on.
Where's the gun? Where's the gun?
James.
No, Mom, of course I didn't bring
a real gun to a Halloween party.
That's absurd.
No, I'm not going back.
I had these plans for weeks now.
Come on, he'll be fine.
I, look, I know that he's my stepbrother,
but look, he's not even my real brother.
Plus, he's 16 years old.
One night alone isn't
gonna kill him, all right?
Trick or treat.
My god, are you okay, dude?
Dude, I shot that guy!
Dude, I was, I was like, boom!
- James, James, James.
- And then I was like- - James. - Trick or treat.
- Behind you. - Dude, what?
Happy Halloween, you filthy animal.
Nothing quite like a nice
bloodbath to start the day off right.
Small town killers are always a treat,
but what about the ones
who walk right past you
on a busy street, thinking
about their next raise
one minute and how they
can chop you to bits the next?
Another case of an unseen slasher, but this time
with a little more subtleness to her routine.
I'm gonna get you!
No, you're not!
I'm gonna get you!
I never quite fit in.
Growing up, most girls
looked up to Jennifer Aniston,
Hillary Clinton, and the
Spice Girls, but I was different.
My heroes were Albert
Einstein, Isaac Newton,
and the Milwaukee Cannibal, Jeffrey Dahmer.
There were three things
I truly loved in this world.
Mathematics, accounting,
and brutally killing
random people for sport.
Now I'm 28.3 years old
and I'm living the dream.
I'm the head accountant at a
mid-sized insurance company
with a steady 2.33%
wage increase per quarter.
My life is a beautiful
combination of crunching numbers.
How could you do this to me?
And crushing skulls.
There is a such a beautiful art
to killing without getting caught,
but first you gotta know the statistics.
92.35% of killers return to the
scene of the crime the day after.
I don't.
87.24% of homicides happen
within 4.2 miles of the killer's home.
I kill outside the grid.
And 98.67% of all authenticated
serial killers are men.
I used to think I was the only
serial killer obsessed with statistics,
but then I realized people
like me never get caught.
Life was pretty perfect
until the day I met Alex.
Yo, Sully. What up?
Linda, lookin' fine.
You keepin' it real, Vivian?
Good.
Hello to you, too.
Alex was approachable,
handsome and funny.
But what made him perfect was his eagerness
to examine the in depth statistical
trends of professional baseball.
I mean, a man that does
math in his spare time?
And if that wasn't sexy
enough, there was his tattoo.
Infinity.
Number that defines the universe and
the impossible space between two people.
Number that is not real or imaginary,
rational or irrational at the same time.
For the first time I was thinking about
more than just math and mass murder.
I was thinking about love.
We have yet to uncover
the pattern of this serial killer.
One thing's for sure.
This man is a true sociopath.
He who has no empathy, no ability to love,
and he will most likely
continue to kill again.
Blaming another sociopathic man.
Look, I don't lug 60-pound
garbage bags of human limbs
to the dump's incinerator for
some dude to take all the credit.
There's only two things
that make you a real man.
Having a beautiful woman on one arm
and a brand-new wristwatch on the other.
St. Francis Watch Co.
Tell her what time it is.
Hey, do you have the time?
It's 9:15.
I'm usually an
equal opportunity killer.
After all, it's 2016, so it's
important to kill all ages,
races, and socioeconomic brackets.
Do you have the time?
9:15.
But I started to change for Alex.
I started to
only kill people with things
he would like, and I wasn't
even being careful about it.
My probability of getting caught shot
up from 2.66% to an alarming 59.87%.
Sick watch!
Sweet.
I got him a letter man jacket.
New scarf.
Cheetah Blood cologne.
Silk tie. Sunglasses.
Cuff links. Shoe polish.
Trophies. Golden egg.
Tequila. Smart car.
Flask.
And even Girl Troop cookies.
4.85.
4.90.
4.95.
$5.00.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I love you, Alex.
But as much as I loved
seeing him happy every day.
These are so good!
I couldn't be his secret admirer forever.
It's like stabbing dogs
in people's backyards.
Fun for a little bit, but
overall, unsatisfactory.
Ma'am, are you all right?
Did you get a good look
at the guy that did this?
He went that way.
Calling all units.
I need back up, now.
I had to stop being
so reckless and scared.
I had to make a bold move.
Alex?
Do you?
Would
you want dinner tonight?
Yeah, sick.
Hey, you wanna grab some wings?
Yo, Sully!
Vivian's taking us out for wings, bro!
Nah, I can't, bro!
I'm off carbs this week.
Pff.
Well, looks like it's
just you and me, babe.
Hey, waiter.
Two Jagerbombs.
TGIF, right?
So, Alex.
I noticed your statistical
analysis of professional baseball.
It's nice to know I'm not
the only one that likes math.
Impressive calculations.
That?
No, I just typed into
Google who should I pick
for my fantasy baseball league, you know?
Leave the math up to the real
nerds, know what I'm saying?
I like your infinity tattoo.
That, Yeah, yeah.
It means forever.
It's infinity. It can
literally mean anything.
Yeah. Well, my ex
made us get matching tattoos.
I mean, it's a good thing I didn't get her
resting bitch face tattoo on
my body, am I right?
Yeah.
Salad for the lady.
And wings for the gent.
Yeah!
So you're, you're paying, right?
I mean, I'm a feminist,
and since you asked,
I mean, you know, you're an
accountant and I'm just a receptionist.
Sure.
Sweet.
Alex?
Since I first laid eyes on you, I
haven't been able to tell a 5498 QA
from a 1099 PATR form.
Sorry.
I've killed people for you.
Yeah, sure.
I get it.
You're a killer chick
and I'm a killer dude.
You know, I get it.
I get you.
No, I don't think you do.
I've murdered 23 people for you.
Sure, sure. Yeah.
You know, thanks for taking me out
and all, but let's just keep this amigos.
What?
It means brothers and sisters, yeah.
I mean, I'm still down to
F, you know what I mean?
Why don't we just go
back to my place, you know,
and have a night of fun and
then I can high five my bros.
And on Monday, we can just
pretend like it never even happened.
I think I'm just gonna go home.
What?
Rejection is
tough, but without the pain,
how would you remember if you really loved?
As it turns out, Alex wasn't
the right guy for me after all.
I'm innocent! I'm innocent, I swear!
Come on, get your hands off me!
Get back! - Don't touch me!
Get outta here.
Stop filming. Get back.
- I'm innocent! - Get back!
He is just another douche that has no
trouble taking credit for a woman's work.
He kept a trophy from every kill
that ranged from watches,
Cheetah Blood cologne,
a letter man jacket, and
even Girl Troop cookies.
With this month's dramatic
spike in homicide numbers,
Idaho dropped from being statistically
the 28th safest state to becoming the 29th.
Love is gonna come and go.
What's important is to do the
things that make you happy.
And for me, that's always
been mathematics, accounting,
and watching the life leave a person's eyes
as you're staring straight into them.
Seizing the opportunity.
Love is in the air.
What do you think of a five-minute dating?
An amazing chance you
have to know a new person,
but sometimes there is
something more disturbing in it.
Checking, checking, one, two.
Checking.
Welcome, everyone, to five-minute dating.
I hope that tonight many of you
will finally meet your soulmates.
Please wear the name
tag for the whole session.
Hello.
Sorry, I'm a bit late.
Okay, well, I think this week we'll have
the females stay at the tables
and the men will move around.
So if you'd like to have a
seat first at one of the tables.
Hey, grab a seat.
The first session's about to start.
Is there a particular
seat I should? Dear.
Now, remember everyone, please
remain silent until the buzzer goes off.
So, Emily, it's a pleasure to meet you.
Just don't say anything, okay?
Let's not make this any more
difficult than it needs to be.
Okay.
What happened to your face?
It's, it's quite a
funny story, actually.
Don't have to be afraid.
I'm truly quite harmless.
Why do people call you Slash?
Well, probably due to the
way my, my, my face looks.
It's, it's quite hideous really.
It's quite.
You poor, poor, poor lonely man.
Poor lonely man?
Poor!
Yeah, whatever.
Fantastic set up for the dating
service, wouldn't you agree?
I dunno, you're not really my type.
It's just your face.
It's so...
Hello there, I'm
Slash. How do you do?
I'm Sarah.
Well, hello, Sarah.
So what do you do for a living?
I'm a kindergarten teacher.
That's quite lovely.
And do you?
Your, your eye. - Excuse me.
I'm so sorry.
It's okay.
Sometimes, sometimes that
happens to me sometimes.
What's wrong? - Sorry.
I was just looking at my, well.
I- I guess I'm not really what
people expect at these things.
I know I'm hideous, okay?
Sarah, I don't, I don't
think you're hideous.
I, I think you're beautiful.
I think you're beautiful, too.
Sarah, would you like to
come over for dinner tonight?
If I found
myself anywhere near this guy,
I'd wanna get away
quick, and you would, too.
But before you call that
ride to hightail it home,
you might wanna consider if running
may not be faster, or even safer.
Thanks.
No problem.
For Kristin?
No, sorry.
Sorry.
Hi!
Hi!
This, this for James?
Yep.
Watch your head.
Nah, I'm good.
I'm good.
How you doing tonight, James?
I'm wonderful. How are you?
I'm good. Think I'm
calling it quits for the night.
You're gonna be my last ride.
Yeah, that's good.
Hey, I think you, I think you
might want to turn around.
Sorry.
The navigation on the app
has been kind of glitchy tonight.
What's your address?
It's 6320 Woodset.
It's in North Hollywood,
like North, North Hollywood.
Perfect. You're headed in my direction.
You want some water?
No, no. I'm good, thanks.
James, I'm gonna be your mom right
now and remind you what a terrible morning
you're gonna have tomorrow
if you don't hydrate right now.
Fine, fine.
Gosh, Mom.
Hey, are there
electrolytes in this or something?
I don't know, maybe.
But drink that whole bottle, okay?
You will thank me in the morning.
So how do you like living
in North, North Hollywood?
What?
How do you like living
in North Hollywood?
It's really getting built up.
I heard there's a Whole Foods coming in.
You must be very excited.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
North Hollywood.
It's, it's, it's pretty chill.
Yeah, I stay by that Bank of America
where the shootout
happened back in the '90s.
Sounds like a nice neighborhood.
Yeah, yeah, real nice.
Do you have roommates?
No, no.
I'm too old to be fuckin' with roommates.
Yeah, need my space.
What the fuck?
Hello?
No, you've got the wrong number.
Yeah, this is James.
Well, I'm, I'm, I'm sorry.
I don't know what to tell you.
I already got picked up.
All right. Well, I don't know.
I don't know.
Have a good night and I
hope you get more rides.
What was that?
Was it another driver?
I can't believe they
haven't fixed that yet.
The app's been letting multiple
drivers accept the same ride.
It's super annoying when
you get to your pickup spot
and the passenger's already gone.
It happened to meet twice
yesterday in back-to-back rides.
Yeah, yeah, that's really fucked up.
Yeah, tell me about it.
Hey, when's the app
coming out with that feature
where you can tell your
driver to stop and get tacos?
I think they tried a trial run of
that, but decided it was too messy.
Makes sense.
Hey, you want me to
make a quick T-Bell stop?
I wouldn't say no to a chalupa.
I mean, are you even allowed?
I would never ask you to
do that, but if you're offering.
You got it.
All right.
For Steven?
Yep.
Now those taxi fares don't
seem so bad, now do they?
The ups and downs.
Looks like an elevator, doesn't it?
Eighth floor, please.
Are you okay?
I'm willing
to do this to myself.
Howdy.
Lobby, please.
Now, I
don't have a favor on this list,
but horrible beasts
that crawl, creep and kill.
Those I like very much.
But why keep you waiting any longer?
Let's take a glance at
what horrors lay before us,
and maybe you'll have a
higher chance to survive
the next time you step into the wild.
Okay, never have I
ever gone to the movies alone.
Well, never have I ever gone streaking.
Never have I ever,
I don't know, been in love?
Wait, what? With who?
Well, I don't tell you everything.
What about you, though?
Did things not work out with Brock?
We broke up.
You did?
He had the audacity to call me
shallow, so I dumped his ugly ass.
Anyway, I'm done looking for love.
Well, maybe you're just
looking in all the wrong places.
I don't know, maybe the love
of your life is your best friend.
Carla?
I mean, we went down to each
other a few times, but I never lo... No!
I'm saying maybe the person you've been looking
for all along is standing right in front of you.
- Milton. - Yes?
Milton.
Yes?
Save yourself!
You cunt.
It was a little tough getting out some of
the wine stands on the counter, but I used-
stop talking. Where's Mittens?
You didn't mention anything about a cat.
I thought I was pretty clear with my flyer.
That was serious? Where is Mittens?
She's fine.
Could you wait until
I leave to let her out?
- Such a pussy. - What?
You're such a pussy.
Hey, Ben.
Did you hear about Milton?
No. What?
You gotta get over here.
We are still investigating
Milton Feinberg's case.
During this time, we have to
send his family your condolences.
And if anyone has seen Milton's father,
please let him know his son is dead.
Then send him your condolences.
Hey, Mari, you
been keeping up with this?
Yeah, it's so sad.
Wait, is that a mimosa?
I miss him so much.
What are
they calling the creature?
According to Milton's hot best friend,
it's some sort of a pig and lizard hybrid.
So we're deeming it the Pizard.
The Pizard?
That's fucking stupid.
Mr. Clean.
How was it?
Ms. Baker had another divorce party.
I was mostly cleaning
wine stains and tears.
She didn't mention the cat.
Mittens? She's so cute.
You knew?
What's your deal lately?
Like, why are you so afraid of cats?
Why are you afraid of commitment?
Drawn a rough depiction of-
Wait, what are you guys watchin'?
Yeah. Milton's dead.
He's walking near the lake
and some creature ate him.
Speaking of the lake, how would
you guys feel about a party at the lake?
Avoid the lake at all costs.
Are you kidding me?
It's a memorial party for Milton.
He was like every hot girl's
best friend, and it's free alcohol.
People are dead!
There's a freakin' Pizard on the loose,
and you wanna go swimming in the woods?
Yeah, girl.
Sarah! I'm so sorry about Milton.
I can't believe you made it out.
I know, girl.
After it happened, I
realized how short life is.
Like, I can't sit around waiting
for some monster to eat me.
Have you met my girlfriend Carla?
Sup?
Hey.
I'm gonna try and slide in
between Sarah and Carla over there.
Who you going for?
No one.
Little bitch.
Come on, Mari.
The night's still young.
And you're like 43.
So, you ready to go?
Yeah, like two hours ago.
Should we grab Ben?
That's dope.
Nah, I think he'll be all right.
Toni Braxton?
Didn't she only have like one song?
Yeah, she
had one incredible song.
You and Ben are obsessed
with 90's R&B music.
Okay, what kind of
music do you listen to?
I don't know.
I had a friend who played the piano,
but he cleans houses
and hides from cats now.
What happened?
One trip to your mom's house and
you come back afraid of everything.
You know it's okay for her to date.
There you guys are.
I was looking for y'all.
Let's go home.
This was a waste of time.
Ben, can we have a minute?
No, no, no, wait.
I think I, I think I dropped
my phone back at the party.
Ben, could I use yours? - Yeah.
No problem.
I want my phone back.
Get out of here, Pizard!
Leave my friends alone.
Get outta here, kitty!
Peter, are you okay?
I'm fine.
Let's go.
We had two more
people murdered last night.
Has anyone seen my
sausage, egg and cheese biscuit?
We urge all residents to stay indoors
and for all tourism to
cease until further notice.
Any questions?
Have you taken any measures to stop it?
Why don't we let somebody
else ask a question?
Have you been taking
any measures to stop it?
Have you?
No. That's not my job.
You son of a bitch!
Are you the one who stole my biscuit?
Hey, Mom. The door was unlocked.
You home?
Come and get it on the ground first.
Can you get it?
Come on, Coco Kitty.
There you go, there.
Come on, Coco Kitty.
Don't turn away from me.
I had a friend
who played the piano,
but he cleans houses
and hides from cats now.
He's in there. You're in luck.
I thought he ran away last night.
Okay.
I'm ready.
Bitch ass.
I stopped by earlier.
He hasn't been home all day.
Yeah, that whole stray
cat incident really got to him.
Maybe the monster, too.
It's time to kill the Pizard.
According to the geepiss, it should
be in that concrete plant up ahead.
Gepiss?
GPS?
Ben, are you drunk?
Yeah, girl.
Ben, you have a problem.
I have a problem?
You have a problem.
You're holding a machete,
Peter's holding a kitten,
and we're chasing a damn Pizard.
My only problem is
I'm starting to sober up.
Now let's go.
Mayor?
What the hell is going on?
Do you have any idea how hard it is
to run a city that won't stop growing?
I signed up for a small town.
My wife said, go for it.
You can make this the
best city in the world.
And I did.
Now it's the best place
to live, best place to party,
the best place for singles.
Managing 500,000 people is hard.
Managing one million people?
It's fucking impossible!
So yeah, I created a Pizard.
You could have just quit.
You sound like my wife.
Don't shoot! Don't shoot!
Don't shoot.
Milton?
We thought you were dead.
Was there a search party?
Step aside, Milton.
No, you can't shoot him.
The Pizard is my father.
I'm too drunk for this shit.
Guys, I know that the Pizard has hurt
a lot of people, but he's still my dad.
Please don't shoot him.
God! God!
Save yourselves!
What the hell?
What happened?
Where am I?
I tried to get it to shoot.
I don't know what went wrong.
You had it on safety.
Oops.
How did I even get here?
I'm sorry to tell you this,
but you murdered your son.
My condolences.
My son?
My poor son Matthew?
No, it was your older son Milton.
Well, that's sad, too.
Admitting to the Pizard conspiracy,
the mayor is being taken into custody.
Local authorities are still
questioning how a man
with no scientific background- I
don't know. We'll see what happens.
It's exciting.
Speaking of, you still need
to meet my boyfriend, Garfield.
The beginning was nice, but do
you really think you saved me?
Peter, I had a machete.
You jumped out in front of
me with a spray bottle and a cat.
That's so stupid.
I'm not sure what you're saving
yourself for, but this is a first date.
Besides, I'm saving myself for marriage.
Now
what's wrong with a little laugh?
I know, I know.
You want the scary stuff.
That's what you're here for.
Will, fret not.
This final tale is not
meant to cheer your spirits.
It's only purpose is to
lead you to a safe cover,
only to rip it away from you and
bask in the chilling of your spine.
Now how does that sound?
It's Italian.
I'm sorry.
I guess you caught me snooping.
Marky got it for me on
one of his trips to Rome.
It reminded him of me.
It's beautiful.
I see the resemblance.
Of course that was long
ago, before he met you.
I think I'll retire for the evening.
Nancy?
Thank you for inviting me into your home.
You are very welcome, Sam.
I and just delighted that
you're a part of the family.
Do you think we're gonna keep losing power?
It's hard to tell.
This house can get a
little weird when it's hot out.
Hey, hey, hey.
You can't go to sleep yet.
You still have to go over tomorrow.
I just need to get some sleep.
Okay, so first we're
gonna hit LaRue for brunch.
Just remember, don't order any red meat.
Mom hates that.
Actually, I circled a
few things on the menu,
so why don't you just go with one of those?
And then we're off to
the botanical gardens.
Mom's always raving about that place,
and I think this'll be your big chance
to finally impress her, you know?
I think you two will finally bond.
I'm gonna have to step out for a
little business call for like 20 minutes.
Just.
Sam.
Yup.
Botanical garden, bonding.
I know all this.
When was the last time
you took your medication?
I'll take it first thing tomorrow.
Jesus Christ.
Babe, you can't keep... Calm down.
You know those pills. They keep me up.
How do you expect to impress her
when you're bat shit all weekend?
Well, babe, I
didn't mean it like that.
It's just, look.
I know how hard you've been working.
I just want this weekend to go great.
Nothing bad can happen if I'm asleep.
Goodnight.
Goodnight.
What the hell?
You gotta be shitting me.
Fuck!
Shit. Shit.
No!
Sam!
I'm sorry.
I am so sorry.
Just hold still.
I'm gonna pull it out.
Sam? What the hell?
Mark.
Mom?
Mom!
No, no, no, no, no!
What'd you do?
She attacked me!
Call 911.
Hold on.
Mom, please no.
Mom? Mom?
We need an ambulance.
Tell 'em to hurry.
Who gives a shit?
Shit.
Don't tell me to calm down.
20 Ash Step Road.
Yes.
Please, hurry.
Someone is going to die.
Mark?
Mark?
Mark!
Bring it on, motherfucker!
Well, ghouls and goblins.
I hope you gained quite a
fright from all these terrifying tales
at your nightmare hour.
After all, there's nothing
better than a night
full of despair and hair sticking
up on the back of your neck.
I only wish our time
here lasted a little longer.
But who knows?
Maybe I'll stick around,
closer than you know.
But if not, you can always
find me on 94.1 Slash FM,
the spookiest station in Hazel Falls.
I'll be waiting for you there.
Until then, I've been
your host, Count Slashula,
signing off for tonight.
Goodnight, sleep tight, and don't
let the monsters under the bed bite.
You let me die.
Happy
Halloween, ghouls and goblins.
You're listening to 94.1 Slash FM, the
spookiest station in all of Hazel Falls.
I'm your host, Count Slashula,
and we've got a full day of non-stop
terrifying tunes ahead of us.
But first, lock your doors, close your
blinds, because he is still out there.
Today marks three years
since the mass murders
here in Hazel Falls between
Halloween and Christmas Eve.
Some say the killer is dead.
Some say he still walks among us.
But all we know for certain
is that he was never caught,
so be careful if you're
trick or treating after dark.
You may end up his next victim.
I'm Frederick Loren, and I've rented
the house on Haunted Hill tonight
so that my wife can give a party,
a haunted house party.
She's so amusing.
There'll be food and drink and ghosts,
and perhaps even a few murders.
You're all invited.
If any of you will spend the
next 12 hours in this house,
I'll give you each $10,000. - Hello?
Or your next of
kin in case you don't survive.
Sorry I scared you with my awesome costume.
What are you?
Hello? Pumpkinstein.
50% pumpkin, 50% stein, and 100%
deserving of a full-size chocolate bar.
Now hand it over.
Sorry, I left all the candy back inside.
I'll go get it for you.
Hurry up. I have
more houses to hit.
My god.
You scared me.
Sharp costume.
Get it? Machete?
No? Okay.
Well, this guy's getting candy.
He'll be back in a few seconds.
Well, Pumpkinstein, I
hope you like Almond Joy.
What?
Come on.
Where's the gun? Where's the gun?
James.
No, Mom, of course I didn't bring
a real gun to a Halloween party.
That's absurd.
No, I'm not going back.
I had these plans for weeks now.
Come on, he'll be fine.
I, look, I know that he's my stepbrother,
but look, he's not even my real brother.
Plus, he's 16 years old.
One night alone isn't
gonna kill him, all right?
Trick or treat.
My god, are you okay, dude?
Dude, I shot that guy!
Dude, I was, I was like, boom!
- James, James, James.
- And then I was like- - James. - Trick or treat.
- Behind you. - Dude, what?
Happy Halloween, you filthy animal.
Nothing quite like a nice
bloodbath to start the day off right.
Small town killers are always a treat,
but what about the ones
who walk right past you
on a busy street, thinking
about their next raise
one minute and how they
can chop you to bits the next?
Another case of an unseen slasher, but this time
with a little more subtleness to her routine.
I'm gonna get you!
No, you're not!
I'm gonna get you!
I never quite fit in.
Growing up, most girls
looked up to Jennifer Aniston,
Hillary Clinton, and the
Spice Girls, but I was different.
My heroes were Albert
Einstein, Isaac Newton,
and the Milwaukee Cannibal, Jeffrey Dahmer.
There were three things
I truly loved in this world.
Mathematics, accounting,
and brutally killing
random people for sport.
Now I'm 28.3 years old
and I'm living the dream.
I'm the head accountant at a
mid-sized insurance company
with a steady 2.33%
wage increase per quarter.
My life is a beautiful
combination of crunching numbers.
How could you do this to me?
And crushing skulls.
There is a such a beautiful art
to killing without getting caught,
but first you gotta know the statistics.
92.35% of killers return to the
scene of the crime the day after.
I don't.
87.24% of homicides happen
within 4.2 miles of the killer's home.
I kill outside the grid.
And 98.67% of all authenticated
serial killers are men.
I used to think I was the only
serial killer obsessed with statistics,
but then I realized people
like me never get caught.
Life was pretty perfect
until the day I met Alex.
Yo, Sully. What up?
Linda, lookin' fine.
You keepin' it real, Vivian?
Good.
Hello to you, too.
Alex was approachable,
handsome and funny.
But what made him perfect was his eagerness
to examine the in depth statistical
trends of professional baseball.
I mean, a man that does
math in his spare time?
And if that wasn't sexy
enough, there was his tattoo.
Infinity.
Number that defines the universe and
the impossible space between two people.
Number that is not real or imaginary,
rational or irrational at the same time.
For the first time I was thinking about
more than just math and mass murder.
I was thinking about love.
We have yet to uncover
the pattern of this serial killer.
One thing's for sure.
This man is a true sociopath.
He who has no empathy, no ability to love,
and he will most likely
continue to kill again.
Blaming another sociopathic man.
Look, I don't lug 60-pound
garbage bags of human limbs
to the dump's incinerator for
some dude to take all the credit.
There's only two things
that make you a real man.
Having a beautiful woman on one arm
and a brand-new wristwatch on the other.
St. Francis Watch Co.
Tell her what time it is.
Hey, do you have the time?
It's 9:15.
I'm usually an
equal opportunity killer.
After all, it's 2016, so it's
important to kill all ages,
races, and socioeconomic brackets.
Do you have the time?
9:15.
But I started to change for Alex.
I started to
only kill people with things
he would like, and I wasn't
even being careful about it.
My probability of getting caught shot
up from 2.66% to an alarming 59.87%.
Sick watch!
Sweet.
I got him a letter man jacket.
New scarf.
Cheetah Blood cologne.
Silk tie. Sunglasses.
Cuff links. Shoe polish.
Trophies. Golden egg.
Tequila. Smart car.
Flask.
And even Girl Troop cookies.
4.85.
4.90.
4.95.
$5.00.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I love you, Alex.
But as much as I loved
seeing him happy every day.
These are so good!
I couldn't be his secret admirer forever.
It's like stabbing dogs
in people's backyards.
Fun for a little bit, but
overall, unsatisfactory.
Ma'am, are you all right?
Did you get a good look
at the guy that did this?
He went that way.
Calling all units.
I need back up, now.
I had to stop being
so reckless and scared.
I had to make a bold move.
Alex?
Do you?
Would
you want dinner tonight?
Yeah, sick.
Hey, you wanna grab some wings?
Yo, Sully!
Vivian's taking us out for wings, bro!
Nah, I can't, bro!
I'm off carbs this week.
Pff.
Well, looks like it's
just you and me, babe.
Hey, waiter.
Two Jagerbombs.
TGIF, right?
So, Alex.
I noticed your statistical
analysis of professional baseball.
It's nice to know I'm not
the only one that likes math.
Impressive calculations.
That?
No, I just typed into
Google who should I pick
for my fantasy baseball league, you know?
Leave the math up to the real
nerds, know what I'm saying?
I like your infinity tattoo.
That, Yeah, yeah.
It means forever.
It's infinity. It can
literally mean anything.
Yeah. Well, my ex
made us get matching tattoos.
I mean, it's a good thing I didn't get her
resting bitch face tattoo on
my body, am I right?
Yeah.
Salad for the lady.
And wings for the gent.
Yeah!
So you're, you're paying, right?
I mean, I'm a feminist,
and since you asked,
I mean, you know, you're an
accountant and I'm just a receptionist.
Sure.
Sweet.
Alex?
Since I first laid eyes on you, I
haven't been able to tell a 5498 QA
from a 1099 PATR form.
Sorry.
I've killed people for you.
Yeah, sure.
I get it.
You're a killer chick
and I'm a killer dude.
You know, I get it.
I get you.
No, I don't think you do.
I've murdered 23 people for you.
Sure, sure. Yeah.
You know, thanks for taking me out
and all, but let's just keep this amigos.
What?
It means brothers and sisters, yeah.
I mean, I'm still down to
F, you know what I mean?
Why don't we just go
back to my place, you know,
and have a night of fun and
then I can high five my bros.
And on Monday, we can just
pretend like it never even happened.
I think I'm just gonna go home.
What?
Rejection is
tough, but without the pain,
how would you remember if you really loved?
As it turns out, Alex wasn't
the right guy for me after all.
I'm innocent! I'm innocent, I swear!
Come on, get your hands off me!
Get back! - Don't touch me!
Get outta here.
Stop filming. Get back.
- I'm innocent! - Get back!
He is just another douche that has no
trouble taking credit for a woman's work.
He kept a trophy from every kill
that ranged from watches,
Cheetah Blood cologne,
a letter man jacket, and
even Girl Troop cookies.
With this month's dramatic
spike in homicide numbers,
Idaho dropped from being statistically
the 28th safest state to becoming the 29th.
Love is gonna come and go.
What's important is to do the
things that make you happy.
And for me, that's always
been mathematics, accounting,
and watching the life leave a person's eyes
as you're staring straight into them.
Seizing the opportunity.
Love is in the air.
What do you think of a five-minute dating?
An amazing chance you
have to know a new person,
but sometimes there is
something more disturbing in it.
Checking, checking, one, two.
Checking.
Welcome, everyone, to five-minute dating.
I hope that tonight many of you
will finally meet your soulmates.
Please wear the name
tag for the whole session.
Hello.
Sorry, I'm a bit late.
Okay, well, I think this week we'll have
the females stay at the tables
and the men will move around.
So if you'd like to have a
seat first at one of the tables.
Hey, grab a seat.
The first session's about to start.
Is there a particular
seat I should? Dear.
Now, remember everyone, please
remain silent until the buzzer goes off.
So, Emily, it's a pleasure to meet you.
Just don't say anything, okay?
Let's not make this any more
difficult than it needs to be.
Okay.
What happened to your face?
It's, it's quite a
funny story, actually.
Don't have to be afraid.
I'm truly quite harmless.
Why do people call you Slash?
Well, probably due to the
way my, my, my face looks.
It's, it's quite hideous really.
It's quite.
You poor, poor, poor lonely man.
Poor lonely man?
Poor!
Yeah, whatever.
Fantastic set up for the dating
service, wouldn't you agree?
I dunno, you're not really my type.
It's just your face.
It's so...
Hello there, I'm
Slash. How do you do?
I'm Sarah.
Well, hello, Sarah.
So what do you do for a living?
I'm a kindergarten teacher.
That's quite lovely.
And do you?
Your, your eye. - Excuse me.
I'm so sorry.
It's okay.
Sometimes, sometimes that
happens to me sometimes.
What's wrong? - Sorry.
I was just looking at my, well.
I- I guess I'm not really what
people expect at these things.
I know I'm hideous, okay?
Sarah, I don't, I don't
think you're hideous.
I, I think you're beautiful.
I think you're beautiful, too.
Sarah, would you like to
come over for dinner tonight?
If I found
myself anywhere near this guy,
I'd wanna get away
quick, and you would, too.
But before you call that
ride to hightail it home,
you might wanna consider if running
may not be faster, or even safer.
Thanks.
No problem.
For Kristin?
No, sorry.
Sorry.
Hi!
Hi!
This, this for James?
Yep.
Watch your head.
Nah, I'm good.
I'm good.
How you doing tonight, James?
I'm wonderful. How are you?
I'm good. Think I'm
calling it quits for the night.
You're gonna be my last ride.
Yeah, that's good.
Hey, I think you, I think you
might want to turn around.
Sorry.
The navigation on the app
has been kind of glitchy tonight.
What's your address?
It's 6320 Woodset.
It's in North Hollywood,
like North, North Hollywood.
Perfect. You're headed in my direction.
You want some water?
No, no. I'm good, thanks.
James, I'm gonna be your mom right
now and remind you what a terrible morning
you're gonna have tomorrow
if you don't hydrate right now.
Fine, fine.
Gosh, Mom.
Hey, are there
electrolytes in this or something?
I don't know, maybe.
But drink that whole bottle, okay?
You will thank me in the morning.
So how do you like living
in North, North Hollywood?
What?
How do you like living
in North Hollywood?
It's really getting built up.
I heard there's a Whole Foods coming in.
You must be very excited.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
North Hollywood.
It's, it's, it's pretty chill.
Yeah, I stay by that Bank of America
where the shootout
happened back in the '90s.
Sounds like a nice neighborhood.
Yeah, yeah, real nice.
Do you have roommates?
No, no.
I'm too old to be fuckin' with roommates.
Yeah, need my space.
What the fuck?
Hello?
No, you've got the wrong number.
Yeah, this is James.
Well, I'm, I'm, I'm sorry.
I don't know what to tell you.
I already got picked up.
All right. Well, I don't know.
I don't know.
Have a good night and I
hope you get more rides.
What was that?
Was it another driver?
I can't believe they
haven't fixed that yet.
The app's been letting multiple
drivers accept the same ride.
It's super annoying when
you get to your pickup spot
and the passenger's already gone.
It happened to meet twice
yesterday in back-to-back rides.
Yeah, yeah, that's really fucked up.
Yeah, tell me about it.
Hey, when's the app
coming out with that feature
where you can tell your
driver to stop and get tacos?
I think they tried a trial run of
that, but decided it was too messy.
Makes sense.
Hey, you want me to
make a quick T-Bell stop?
I wouldn't say no to a chalupa.
I mean, are you even allowed?
I would never ask you to
do that, but if you're offering.
You got it.
All right.
For Steven?
Yep.
Now those taxi fares don't
seem so bad, now do they?
The ups and downs.
Looks like an elevator, doesn't it?
Eighth floor, please.
Are you okay?
I'm willing
to do this to myself.
Howdy.
Lobby, please.
Now, I
don't have a favor on this list,
but horrible beasts
that crawl, creep and kill.
Those I like very much.
But why keep you waiting any longer?
Let's take a glance at
what horrors lay before us,
and maybe you'll have a
higher chance to survive
the next time you step into the wild.
Okay, never have I
ever gone to the movies alone.
Well, never have I ever gone streaking.
Never have I ever,
I don't know, been in love?
Wait, what? With who?
Well, I don't tell you everything.
What about you, though?
Did things not work out with Brock?
We broke up.
You did?
He had the audacity to call me
shallow, so I dumped his ugly ass.
Anyway, I'm done looking for love.
Well, maybe you're just
looking in all the wrong places.
I don't know, maybe the love
of your life is your best friend.
Carla?
I mean, we went down to each
other a few times, but I never lo... No!
I'm saying maybe the person you've been looking
for all along is standing right in front of you.
- Milton. - Yes?
Milton.
Yes?
Save yourself!
You cunt.
It was a little tough getting out some of
the wine stands on the counter, but I used-
stop talking. Where's Mittens?
You didn't mention anything about a cat.
I thought I was pretty clear with my flyer.
That was serious? Where is Mittens?
She's fine.
Could you wait until
I leave to let her out?
- Such a pussy. - What?
You're such a pussy.
Hey, Ben.
Did you hear about Milton?
No. What?
You gotta get over here.
We are still investigating
Milton Feinberg's case.
During this time, we have to
send his family your condolences.
And if anyone has seen Milton's father,
please let him know his son is dead.
Then send him your condolences.
Hey, Mari, you
been keeping up with this?
Yeah, it's so sad.
Wait, is that a mimosa?
I miss him so much.
What are
they calling the creature?
According to Milton's hot best friend,
it's some sort of a pig and lizard hybrid.
So we're deeming it the Pizard.
The Pizard?
That's fucking stupid.
Mr. Clean.
How was it?
Ms. Baker had another divorce party.
I was mostly cleaning
wine stains and tears.
She didn't mention the cat.
Mittens? She's so cute.
You knew?
What's your deal lately?
Like, why are you so afraid of cats?
Why are you afraid of commitment?
Drawn a rough depiction of-
Wait, what are you guys watchin'?
Yeah. Milton's dead.
He's walking near the lake
and some creature ate him.
Speaking of the lake, how would
you guys feel about a party at the lake?
Avoid the lake at all costs.
Are you kidding me?
It's a memorial party for Milton.
He was like every hot girl's
best friend, and it's free alcohol.
People are dead!
There's a freakin' Pizard on the loose,
and you wanna go swimming in the woods?
Yeah, girl.
Sarah! I'm so sorry about Milton.
I can't believe you made it out.
I know, girl.
After it happened, I
realized how short life is.
Like, I can't sit around waiting
for some monster to eat me.
Have you met my girlfriend Carla?
Sup?
Hey.
I'm gonna try and slide in
between Sarah and Carla over there.
Who you going for?
No one.
Little bitch.
Come on, Mari.
The night's still young.
And you're like 43.
So, you ready to go?
Yeah, like two hours ago.
Should we grab Ben?
That's dope.
Nah, I think he'll be all right.
Toni Braxton?
Didn't she only have like one song?
Yeah, she
had one incredible song.
You and Ben are obsessed
with 90's R&B music.
Okay, what kind of
music do you listen to?
I don't know.
I had a friend who played the piano,
but he cleans houses
and hides from cats now.
What happened?
One trip to your mom's house and
you come back afraid of everything.
You know it's okay for her to date.
There you guys are.
I was looking for y'all.
Let's go home.
This was a waste of time.
Ben, can we have a minute?
No, no, no, wait.
I think I, I think I dropped
my phone back at the party.
Ben, could I use yours? - Yeah.
No problem.
I want my phone back.
Get out of here, Pizard!
Leave my friends alone.
Get outta here, kitty!
Peter, are you okay?
I'm fine.
Let's go.
We had two more
people murdered last night.
Has anyone seen my
sausage, egg and cheese biscuit?
We urge all residents to stay indoors
and for all tourism to
cease until further notice.
Any questions?
Have you taken any measures to stop it?
Why don't we let somebody
else ask a question?
Have you been taking
any measures to stop it?
Have you?
No. That's not my job.
You son of a bitch!
Are you the one who stole my biscuit?
Hey, Mom. The door was unlocked.
You home?
Come and get it on the ground first.
Can you get it?
Come on, Coco Kitty.
There you go, there.
Come on, Coco Kitty.
Don't turn away from me.
I had a friend
who played the piano,
but he cleans houses
and hides from cats now.
He's in there. You're in luck.
I thought he ran away last night.
Okay.
I'm ready.
Bitch ass.
I stopped by earlier.
He hasn't been home all day.
Yeah, that whole stray
cat incident really got to him.
Maybe the monster, too.
It's time to kill the Pizard.
According to the geepiss, it should
be in that concrete plant up ahead.
Gepiss?
GPS?
Ben, are you drunk?
Yeah, girl.
Ben, you have a problem.
I have a problem?
You have a problem.
You're holding a machete,
Peter's holding a kitten,
and we're chasing a damn Pizard.
My only problem is
I'm starting to sober up.
Now let's go.
Mayor?
What the hell is going on?
Do you have any idea how hard it is
to run a city that won't stop growing?
I signed up for a small town.
My wife said, go for it.
You can make this the
best city in the world.
And I did.
Now it's the best place
to live, best place to party,
the best place for singles.
Managing 500,000 people is hard.
Managing one million people?
It's fucking impossible!
So yeah, I created a Pizard.
You could have just quit.
You sound like my wife.
Don't shoot! Don't shoot!
Don't shoot.
Milton?
We thought you were dead.
Was there a search party?
Step aside, Milton.
No, you can't shoot him.
The Pizard is my father.
I'm too drunk for this shit.
Guys, I know that the Pizard has hurt
a lot of people, but he's still my dad.
Please don't shoot him.
God! God!
Save yourselves!
What the hell?
What happened?
Where am I?
I tried to get it to shoot.
I don't know what went wrong.
You had it on safety.
Oops.
How did I even get here?
I'm sorry to tell you this,
but you murdered your son.
My condolences.
My son?
My poor son Matthew?
No, it was your older son Milton.
Well, that's sad, too.
Admitting to the Pizard conspiracy,
the mayor is being taken into custody.
Local authorities are still
questioning how a man
with no scientific background- I
don't know. We'll see what happens.
It's exciting.
Speaking of, you still need
to meet my boyfriend, Garfield.
The beginning was nice, but do
you really think you saved me?
Peter, I had a machete.
You jumped out in front of
me with a spray bottle and a cat.
That's so stupid.
I'm not sure what you're saving
yourself for, but this is a first date.
Besides, I'm saving myself for marriage.
Now
what's wrong with a little laugh?
I know, I know.
You want the scary stuff.
That's what you're here for.
Will, fret not.
This final tale is not
meant to cheer your spirits.
It's only purpose is to
lead you to a safe cover,
only to rip it away from you and
bask in the chilling of your spine.
Now how does that sound?
It's Italian.
I'm sorry.
I guess you caught me snooping.
Marky got it for me on
one of his trips to Rome.
It reminded him of me.
It's beautiful.
I see the resemblance.
Of course that was long
ago, before he met you.
I think I'll retire for the evening.
Nancy?
Thank you for inviting me into your home.
You are very welcome, Sam.
I and just delighted that
you're a part of the family.
Do you think we're gonna keep losing power?
It's hard to tell.
This house can get a
little weird when it's hot out.
Hey, hey, hey.
You can't go to sleep yet.
You still have to go over tomorrow.
I just need to get some sleep.
Okay, so first we're
gonna hit LaRue for brunch.
Just remember, don't order any red meat.
Mom hates that.
Actually, I circled a
few things on the menu,
so why don't you just go with one of those?
And then we're off to
the botanical gardens.
Mom's always raving about that place,
and I think this'll be your big chance
to finally impress her, you know?
I think you two will finally bond.
I'm gonna have to step out for a
little business call for like 20 minutes.
Just.
Sam.
Yup.
Botanical garden, bonding.
I know all this.
When was the last time
you took your medication?
I'll take it first thing tomorrow.
Jesus Christ.
Babe, you can't keep... Calm down.
You know those pills. They keep me up.
How do you expect to impress her
when you're bat shit all weekend?
Well, babe, I
didn't mean it like that.
It's just, look.
I know how hard you've been working.
I just want this weekend to go great.
Nothing bad can happen if I'm asleep.
Goodnight.
Goodnight.
What the hell?
You gotta be shitting me.
Fuck!
Shit. Shit.
No!
Sam!
I'm sorry.
I am so sorry.
Just hold still.
I'm gonna pull it out.
Sam? What the hell?
Mark.
Mom?
Mom!
No, no, no, no, no!
What'd you do?
She attacked me!
Call 911.
Hold on.
Mom, please no.
Mom? Mom?
We need an ambulance.
Tell 'em to hurry.
Who gives a shit?
Shit.
Don't tell me to calm down.
20 Ash Step Road.
Yes.
Please, hurry.
Someone is going to die.
Mark?
Mark?
Mark!
Bring it on, motherfucker!
Well, ghouls and goblins.
I hope you gained quite a
fright from all these terrifying tales
at your nightmare hour.
After all, there's nothing
better than a night
full of despair and hair sticking
up on the back of your neck.
I only wish our time
here lasted a little longer.
But who knows?
Maybe I'll stick around,
closer than you know.
But if not, you can always
find me on 94.1 Slash FM,
the spookiest station in Hazel Falls.
I'll be waiting for you there.
Until then, I've been
your host, Count Slashula,
signing off for tonight.
Goodnight, sleep tight, and don't
let the monsters under the bed bite.