Slaughter Beach (2022) Movie Script
(ocean waves)
(dramatic music)
(Fairground Music and kids laughing)
(man laughing)
That was great.
So, what'd you think?
Wanna go again?
(children screaming)
Come on.
Let's go.
Okay but, um, you think we
should be here after hours?
I think-
Let's go! You silly head
(dramatic music)
So, you didn't wanna
do the haunted house,
you hated it,
you didn't wanna do the Ferris wheel,
and you didn't even wanna play the games.
What did you wanna do?
Enjoy the scenery.
Rides are just too...
"Too" what?
Touristy.
This is just so much more enriching and...
Empowering.
I know why you brought
us here you sly little...
Just breathe it in.
(fishing reel sounds)
Doesn't it just..
Hook ya?
(man yelling)
Todd?
Todd?
Maybe I should just hook up with that guy.
(slow eerie music)
Oh, Todd...
(fishing reel sounds)
Oh my god please no,
I'm begging, I'm begging.
Oh no, no, no, no, no.
Please.
(dramatic music)
(Barbara screams)
[Loud Footsteps from above]
(dramatic music)
Help me! Help me!
Help me!
(Barbara screaming)
[Stalk And Slash Summer By The Jasons]
[TV News Broadcast] We've
been having a terrific summer.
This is a great town, great resort town.
We're very proud of the
amenities we have here
for people to enjoy
themselves in the summertime.
[Reporter] And what can you tell us
about the disappearances that
have been going on recently?
Well, I don't wanna speculate-
What the hamburger?
The TV's been on all night long, wow.
Ah, son of a...
Honey, where are the boys?
(tense music)
This is a big moment...
(Barry)... this is a very big
moment you son of a bitch.
I don't think so.
Go, go.
Go what?
Go fish.
I win.
Wait a minute.
Yeah.
First of all, I don't
even know how to play.
You don't know how to play Go Fish?
I win and that's why I'm the king,
the "king of the sea."
That's what everyone calls me.
No they don't, Barry.
Barry, nobody calls you "king of the sea."
Well not that name per se,
but the ladies do call me some names.
(Dad Off Screen)
- Hey, you ding bats,
get your smelly asses here right now.
Lazy bums.
That name?
All right, you're really,
you're real fucking funny.
I want you and Mr.Fiolli
out of here tonight.
Tonight?
Dad, we can't, we don't have time-
I did not get this house by the shore
to have two smoochers laying around
jerking your nut all the time.
We have a bunch of side jigs,
but they keep-
Side jigs?
They keep laying us off.
Let me think, side jigs.
Raking leaves, mowing the lawn.
Makes money.
Selling lemonade.
[Barry] Yes.
Pink lemonade of all the things.
Pink Lemonade is delicous.
It is delicious, people love it.
I printed some-
What's this?
Applications and resume.
Fill it out, look it over.
We don't need to do this, come on.
Look, there comes a time in a man's life
you gotta have responsibility,
take life seriously.
Fine, fine.
This is bullshit.
Do they do background checks?
'Cause I don't know if I'm
allowed to touch anybody.
What is that?
Is this a lock?
What a load of shit.
Everything's closed.
It must be off season.
Or it could just be us.
We are sort of the underbelly
of this section of town.
Nah, vacation spots
don't have underbellies,
it's all about the boardwalk novelties,
the fries, kids.
Occasional bang on the beach!
Mm-hmm, that's what
I'm talking about, yeah.
You know that restaurant back there
had a help wanted sign,
I should sue them for false advertising.
Sir, excuse me.
Excuse me sir.
Excuse me, sir, I have a question.
Sorry, you can't be here,
it's an active crime scene investigation.
Investigation, what?
Sorry, there's a
homicide unit down there.
You guys gotta be on your way.
[Ralph] That means somebody died.
[Barry] Well, we're just a
couple of future employees
trying to pick up some
applications, that's all.
I don't care who you are,
you gotta be on your way now.
Good-bye!
Okay guys, resumes look pretty good.
Anyway, I think I can hire you guys today,
I just need to speak with
my owner right quick,
could you guys give me a few minutes?
Do what you must,
we're impressive, I know.
Take all the time you need.
Dude.
We got the job.
You think maybe we can use that shed
as an apartment?
You wanna live in that shed?
Look at that thing, that thing's tiny,
where do I masturbate?
This job is not that hard,
I mean two monkeys can do it,
(dramatic music),
and we need the extra help.
Yeah, well...(indistinct)
That's disgusting.
I'm just saying it's-
You have your corner, I have mine.
(choking sounds)
You watch it on TV?
Well I mean it's very squiggly,
but you can still see a boob.
At least we can ask.
Hell yeah.
We're gonna get a job...
Hello?..hello?
[Ralph] ..Ghosted.
Look at these needle dicks
I know, fucking nerds.
[Barry] Dude look.
She fucking ditched us.
This is bullshit.
Are you kidding me?
I mean this is not the first time
I've been ditched by a woman.
Dude, watch this.
All right.
Hey.
Hey, hey, you guys can't do that.
What did you say to me?
Uh... Ralph!
Um..We are just gonna stand here
while you guys walk away,
'cause, Ralph? Back me up, back me up.
Put your phone down, put your phone down.
I'm trying to call 911.
911?
Put the phone down.
Gonna stop us?
Ralph, do something.
No, no, no.
Fucking nerds.
Why'd you do that?
I panicked, okay, I'm sorry.
Don't condescend me.. Fucking jerks.
I think they might still
be able to hear you, shut up.
No listen, this is what's
wrong with this town,
it's going downhill.
You see what just happened to us?
Bullshit.
It has been a day of shit.
This is bullshit, man, let's go.
I didn't want this job anyway.
(Upbeat music from Boardwalk)
I completely messed this up,
all right, just getting the crystals.
You know what, just... man (sigh).
That's how they get you.
That's how they get you man.
No, no, Ralph, you know what,
first my Sega channel
won't work, now this.
Don't get frustrated man,
you got a lot you're trying for.
Come on, girls love you, they really do.
They barely look at me, Jesus Christ.
Look, there's lot of crime
going on around here,
people are scared, they
don't know what to do.
They don't wanna stay open.
They don't wanna give people jobs.
Don't let this stop you
from pursuing your career.
You need to make money somehow.
You're right, Ralph, you're right.
We can take the law into our own hands,
take responsibility.
We can find out what's
going on with this town,
and make it crime free.
And maybe find jobs,
but most importantly defend my basement,
'cause we have a lot of stuff in there.
You know, Barry, just when I thought
you were really good at board games
you come up with this great idea.
I mean everybody's making
their own business.
Look at those people on TV,
they get their own house,
big old huge mansion,
and all they do is collect rubber bands.
I collect rubber bands,
do I make any money?
No.
There's only one problem.
What's that?
We don't have a means a transportation.
You know my car got banged
up in that fender bender.
Ralph that's just it, we can be called
the "Defender Benders."
Dude, you just stepped in a lot of puke.
Son of a bitch.
Hey, down by the marina,
everything looks nice
and good for tonight,
so I'm gonna call it a night.
See you in the morning.
[Radio] 10 four that, Bob.
Off the premises this
is private property.
I got a couple of those
lucky loo jack offs from earlier,
I wanna me go investigate more thoroughly.
[Radio] Okay, Bob.
(tense piano music)
(Bob screaming)
All right, what do we
got here? What do we got?
Light man?
Pot man?
Nah, they'll get the wrong idea
if you do that.
Vinyl man, that sounds cool,
but we could do better.
Yes.
Awesome.
[Reporter] The missing
person has been identified
as college student Barbara Quigley.
Ralph, we're in business.
AB?
What's that stand for?
Awesome Boy.
(Heroic fanfare)
I thought we were just
gonna be defender benders.
Can't be that simple man.
Come on! The X-men! Then you got Cyclopes,
Wolverine, Iceman, you got all those names
under that one big name.
Okay.
I like that.
[Barry] What about
you, what's your name?
[Ralph] Mine?
[Barry] - Your superhero name, man, what is it?
Bludgeon Man?
Bludgeon Man.
Simple, yet effective.
Yeah, exactly.
[TV Interview] We've
just taken some steps
like you can walk the boardwalk,
but there's gonna be a
number of facilities closed.
Ralph, whatever's putting
the pause button in this town
needs to be taken down.
Damn right.
We need to take justice
into our own hands.
I do agree man.
To the bender mobile. [Clinging Sound]
We don't even have a car.
We don't need one.
The bender mobile.
All right.
But I drive when I break in a new partner.
(Surf music)
Closed.
Closed, closed.
What the hell's going
on around here, Ralph?
What the hell?
This place was packed an hour ago.
The arcade machine line, it was this long,
now there's nobody.
It's monkey shit, it's horse shit,
and most especially it's bullshit.
Well that's a lot of shit.
There's nothing going on,
it's a Saturday night
and it's a ghost town.
There's not one person hanging around.
I mean there was a time
on a Saturday night
it was wild out here.
It was like,
there's people over there having sex,
a "Tsunami of Fuck-air"
would just hit everybody in the face,
walk past it, get right in the nostrils.
I remember those days.
There was a girl that
used to hang around here
that would just have this musical queef,
freak everybody out.
People would just...
Ralph, please don't get into that.
We just can't wait for crime
to land in our laps, okay?
We have to get out there.
I saw a couple earlier,
we could save them.
We could do something, I don't know.
There's gotta be some crime in this town!
We are the Defender Benders.
You mean to tell me the one night
we decide to be vigilantes
there's nothing going on?
We gotta look for it.
Are you with me, buddy?
Very with you.
I'm looking forward to
this crime fighting life.
Let's go.
(Funky beat music)
Hey, dummy, can you not read?
This shopping area is smoke free.
I'll take care of that for you.
Excuse me, but are you 21?
I didn't think so.
I just saved these guys their ABC license.
Try a pink lemonade instead.
Good job Bludgeon Man.
What do we have here,
a bike thief?
Ralph?...okay, its your bike, bud.
We're out on the beach just relaxing,
you know, it's nice.
What the fuck?
The defender benders always make sure
everyone's protected.
(man screaming) Yo!
Let's check out that place.
That one?
Mm-hmm.
You serious?
Punch it.
Punch it.
[Ralph] I'm sorry.. It's
scary looking (grumbles).
[Barry]
This is why I have to drive.
(bell dinging)
Oh, Ralph, I always wanted to do this.
(bell ringing)
Good afternoon, ma'am.
(bell ringing)
The defender benders are here.
Now hold up. (Bell ringing)
(bell ringing)
Is it a bird?
(bell ringing) is it a plane?
(bell ringing)
That is Awesome Boy and Bludgeon
Man in your ice cream shop
(bell ringing)
Today.
You're welcome.
Are you gonna order something?
'Cause we close in five minutes.
Have you seen any crime?
Crime?
(bell ringing)
That's it, get out, we're closed.
Oh, you close in five minutes?
- [Barry]That's the real crime.
- [Ralph] Let's just go. I'm really sorry.
Your name's Annie? (Bell rings)
That's a villainous bitch name.
(bell dinging)
That was okay.
Yeah, good idea.
"Crime fighters!" real good.
Really gonna take us seriously, I bet.
Yeah, sure.
Listen, I've got a few ideas, Ralph.
We could do a super yard sale.
Or maybe a super hero blood donation!
(eerie music)
(Annie screams)
Pick it up, pick it up!
- [Ralph] oh my god.
(Upbeat Surf Music)
Fuck.
What happened?
He just took my purse,
will you go get him?
Oh, oh, he took your purse,
now you need us huh?
Well the defender benders-
- Would you just go get him?
- [Barry] The Defender Bend-
I gotcha! Okay?
We're gonna go.
(Surf music continues)
Stop right there, you criminal scum.
Time to meet your maker, bitch.
Ow, mother fucker!
Sorry, sorry.
Bludgeon Man, engage bludgeon attack.
(heavy panting)
(shovel clanging)
Get up. I know we tried, we tried.
(Annie clearing her throat)
Thanks a lot you dick heads.
She's right.
There's still people out.
You said no one comes to
this spot at this time.
Well usually they don't.
Well why don't we go for a nice swim?
Right now?
Really?
Honestly, it's kind of cold,
and it's really gonna kill my boner.
Yeah, that's the idea.
Why don't you just go,
I'm just gonna relax.
Buzz kill.
(tense music)
Well hey, maybe I'll meet
you in a couple minutes,
all right, just gotta work
up the courage, you know?
(Rock music plays from headphones)
Nigel, you gotta come
in here, it's amazing.
(woman screaming)
[Killer] Anchors away!
(Skull crushing sounds)
(Girl screaming from afar)
Hey babe, I'm on my way, I swear.
(Nigel screaming)
Barry, are you sure
this is going to work?
Of course it's gonna work.
You know, your negativity
is really killing my vibe, man.
What is this? Ew.
You just gotta be positive, man.
Ladies and gentleman, crime fighters,
25 cents to save the day.
The defender benders are here to stay.
Ooh, that rhymed! Oh...
25 cents to save the day.
Crime fighters.
You gotta get into it Ralph.
You gotta, you gotta go, man.
Project with me.
Try it.
[Quietly] Crime fighters,
only 25 cents.
You gotta try a little harder.
25 cents to save the day.
Lost a balloon?
We're right here for you.
Popped tire?
We're here for ya.
Anything else?
Come on.
Crime fighters, 25 cents.
Great, great.
Yo, guys, will you
watch my stuff for me?
It's priceless, I'll be right back,
I just gotta go to the bathroom.
Oh my gosh,
oh, oh, I mean, yes good
citizen of Slaughter Beach,
we can watch your stuff.
Awesome, thank you.
Yeah, no problem.
Look!
[Inaudible Excitement]
We get to save this guy!
[Ralph] Save him from what?
[Barry] We are heroes. Yes!
Okay, all right.
We just have to watch his stuff.
- [Ralph] yeah, that's it.
Dude, so easy.
[Ralph] Of course it's easy,
you don't even have to touch it.
I know.
Wait a second.
[Ralph] Who knows what
he uses that rod for.
No, no.
You're hungry right?
I'm always hungry,
and I haven't eaten for five hours.
Why don't we take his fishing pole,
and we'll go fishing and catch some fish.
Uh, you mean steal it?
Borrow it.
Of course we're gonna bring it back,
we need the money.
Alright? So grab your shovel,
I'll get some fishing line,
we got two fishing poles right there,
we'll grab some lunch.
Come on, all right, let's go.
(Reggae music)
You see, Ralph, fresh air, the ocean,
spending time with my best friend.
It couldn't get any better than this.
There's very little right now
that's gonna lift my spirits.
Why do you think I'm trying
to catch us some lunch?
You know how contaminated that shit is?
There are homeless people daily
pissing and shitting in that dump.
All these fishes look at homeless dicks.
You know, one time I saw a homeless man
jerking off into the water.
It was disgusting.
He was really getting into it too.
Didn't give a shit there was a family
five feet away, really kind of gross.
Even the fish hate this water.
Look at that fish right there,
it's giving us the finger.
(woman screaming)
I think I caught something, Ralph.
(woman screaming)
I got a fish.
Come on-
I don't even know how to fish.
Grab the fishing line.
[Ralph] Fine I'll help!
We're gonna lose it.
(woman screaming)
Another worm,
get another worm in the can.
That was the last one.
Are you kidding me?
Uh yeah!
Is there a bait shop around here?
[Radio] Ahoy mateys!
It's your old buddy Fish Man Sam
to tell you about Fish
Man Sam's bait shops.
Feast your eyes on vast
treasures, (indistinct),
Finest fishing reels,
and anchors in all shapes and sizes.
But hey, If you're running low on bait.
Don't sweat it.
Instead of standing there like an idiot
trying to figure out where should I go,
well, come on down to Fishman
Sam's bait shop of course.
Listen, if you wanna win that
prize winnin trout this summer
well don't just stand there
looking like a goober gobber,
[Cartoon Sounds]
Sail on down to Fishman
Sam's bait shop today.
In the next 30 minutes...
Did you hear that?
Yeah, yeah.
How convenient.
Yeah, almost too convenient.
[Radio continues] Located
on 55 Warren Avenue,
by the Colonial Beach Camp
Ground [Radio Continues]
Exactly what we need.
(dramatic music)
It should be around here
right, did you get it right?
Yeah, I hope so,
Remember the last time
you got the address wrong,
we went two hours the wrong way?
(dog barking)
[Barry] Look at all the..crab shit.
[Ralph] I bet all that
comes with a 'free curse'
[Barry] Are there crab and fish ghosts?
[Ralph] Do crabs have ghosts?
Yeah, crabs have ghosts,
they're the ghosts on people's pubes,
those are ghost crabs.
[Barry] Hello?
Holy schnikies, what do
you think this came from?
Probably the ocean.
This thing's heavy as hell.
And I feel like I'd need a tetanus shot
just from holding it.
Whoa, check this out, Ralph.
That doesn't look appetizing.
What do you think this is?
Disgusting.
No, it's awesome.
(Loud bang)
(eerie music)
That there is the shell
of a horseshoe crab.
From the Limulidae family
Illuminati?
I thought that was a myth about-
It's not a myth young man.
It's very much as real.
As you and me.
Deadliest horseshoe crab of all
is that of the ferocious Lulu,
the biggest and deadliest horseshoe crab
of all the sea.
No man's ever encountered her, except one,
the blood thirsty ferocious pirate,
Captain Blood Beard.
He saw the giant horseshoe
crab monster as ultimate prize.
It's quite ironic actually
the world's deadliest pirate
met the world's deadliest sea creature.
But you know, Captain
Blood Beard's downfall
was that of his pride.
Never caught Lulu,
but I will.
The thing with the horseshoe crab,
isn't like any other sea creature is
the way it swims.
They swim upside down,
those spider-like legs they have,
they tingle about.
It's one of those legs on Lulu
that'll snatched up a 25-foot shark,
and gobbled it up for lunch.
I'd be careful if I were you two
swimming these waters.
Or else she might take off
more than your nipples.
(dramatic music stops)
(Sam laughing)
I'm just fucking with you.
You ought to see the looks on your faces,
like a couple of skiddish little guppies.
(Ralph and Barry laughing)
You got us.
But I digress mates,
I bid you welcome to my
humble abode bait shop.
I'm Mr. Phillips, no
formalities if you please.
I am Fish man Sam,
what can I do ya for?
We were just looking for some bait.
Yeah, going for some lunch.
Oh, bait, you came to the right place.
Fish Man Sam's
bait in a can.
Yes sire, one good little scoop
that fish is poop.
Ew.
Just take a little fingertip's
worth of this sweet stuff,
put on the edge of ya hook
you'll be catching fish
all the way from the pier
up the Portland, Maine.
Up to Portland, Oregon, for that matter
or my name ain't Fish man Sam.
How much?
Charge you a quarter for it.
No refunds.
We never had (indistinct).
That should be enough.
There you go.
That'll be fine.
Thank you, sir.
Best of luck to you, looks
like you're gonna need it.
Oh, can we have a job?
No.
Damn it.
Crazy kids on Summer break.
(humming)
What part of this fish
do you think this is?
Dude, who cares.
Think I'll catch anything?
Hey, I trust that guy.
I haven't fished since I was like three,
and that ended badly.
Oh yeah, what kind of fish was it?
Exactly, I didn't catch a fish.
You know, I don't think
this bait is working.
How you doing over there, Ralph?
I think I got something.
Oh, oh my God.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm teaching you a lesson.
I'm teaching you a lesson, babe.
Jesus Christ, you're
fishing, not fucking.
Ooh, it's a tight bugger
Oh she pull in.
You sound like a creep.
Oh my God.
Ralph, Ralph look.
We're monster hunters.
See, Ralph, "king of the sea."
Whoa.
I thought Lulu would be bigger than this.
Lulu?
- [Barry] Yeah.
- [Ralph] good lord.
- [ Barry] Oh, nice, dude, check these out.
- [Ralph] Groos man.
Other worldly man.
Do you think this is worth money?
Yeah, money.
Oh, dude, we could sell
it to that bait shop guy.
Yes.
(Eerie music)
What is that?
I don't know.
(squishy sounds)
Is that what I think it is?
You know what this means, right?
What?
That bait's unsanitary.
(dramatic music)
Hey.
(knocking on door)
Come on, open up.
Open up, I see you.
Come on.
Let us get some ice cream.
Come on, please, please.
She's not gonna.
Yo, cheers.
Cheers.
Yo, I gotta take a piss, man,
I've been having to take a piss all night.
(laughing) Yo, dude, I
thought of the funniest thing.
Yo.
Yo dude,
yo come on, man, stop
fucking around, seriously.
It's not funny anymore, man.
Yo, dude, are you there?
(knocking on door)
[Barry] Dad, dad, open the door,
open the door, please,
please, open the door!
Please dad, open the door.
Open the door, open the door!!
Open it, we need his help.
I'm gonna break the fucking door down,
I hope you don't mind.
Do it.
[Ralph] - I don't have the money.
Dad, please.
(Ralph screams violently)
Open the door.
Dad, we gotta get the cops.
Slow down, Neighbors are sleeping.
We need your help.
We have to get the cops dad.
This fish man Sam guy is sick,
he's sick, okay.
Fish man who?
(Barry) Fish man Sam!
Tell him.
Can you tell him?
You're not helping.
I'm trying.
I don't fucking know what I'm
fucking doing here anymore.
(Ralph indistinctly talking)
You're not, you're not helping Ralph.
Question for you guys,
did you get a job yet?
Look, when you get a job come on back.
Get out of here,
get out of here right now.
Stay off my property.
Get out, okay?
[Barry] We need your help.
No.
Stop.
Okay, dad.
All right.
[Dad] What?
Me and Ralph,
we
Are partners
in crime fighting.
What are we gonna do?
That's where you get your rudeness from.
I do not have rudeness.
You are rude.
Do you have something you wanna tell me?
(dramatic music)
(man screams)
If you guys are still here, I'm closing.
Bye.
Don't you have a beer
pong competition to go to?
[Keys Fall]
Shit.
Goddamn tourists.
Jesus Christ man,
you gonna rub the can?
You think there's some kind of Fish-Genie that just pops out?
...
Hey, look at me, I'm a fish genie!
All the fish you can eat!
Ralph, stop being a smart ass... We
have to take this can to head of security...
It wasn't fish guts,
it was like human guts... WOAH!
(can clanging)
You all right?
Yeah, thank you.
It goes really far out.
Look, it's way over there.
[Ralph]
- You think it's a good idea?
[Barry] come on, we have to investigate.
[Ralph] This could be a lot of trouble
I think that's real blood.
I don't like this man.
I don't even like blood, dude.
Ralph, Ralph, there's
someone over there.
Hey, hey mister, mister.
Mister?
Mister?
Mister?
Hello sir.
Sir?
I think he's alive, Ralph.
Mister?
Come on man, let's get out of here.
Ralph, he's still alive.
This is not our deal, man,
dead bodies? No.
Come on, man, he needs our help.
(dramatic music)
Ralph, Ralph, Ralph.
It's that fish man guy, right, it's him.
It's gotta be.
Look at the trail of blood,
it leads right to the body.
I thought this was gonna be fun, games,
superhero life.
Everybody loves a superhero.
This is not fun...
This is NOT fun!
This is terrible.
Okay.
Okay, okay, okay, all right.
Okay.
First things first.
We're gonna get this together,
we're gonna go back to the bait shop,
and we're gonna get more answers
so we can figure out
what the hell's going on,
and we're gonna stop anymore death.
Nobody else is going to die.
(tense music)
Okay, I'm leaving now.
(tense music)
(Annie gasping)
You know, Annie, most of
the world is covered by water.
But it's a fisherman's job.
To find the best parts!
Shh.
Don't scream, you'll scare the fish away.
(Sam laughing)
["I See You Everywhere"
By Station plays]
(people screaming)
[Sam] Don't you look like
a cute little mermaid?
(fishing reel sounds)
Time for face lift, Flipper!
(woman screaming)
(man screaming)
Only a face a mother could love.
Ahoy, matey.
No, please, please.
(Sam laughing)
Looks like you're a walking
"clamity", huh, bitch?
No guts, no glory,
that's a fisherman's motto.
I smell fresh bait in the air.
Help me somebody!
Somebody please!
(woman screaming)
Ralph, look.
He's near.
How can you tell?
Fish man Sam.
Rookie, God.
It's a wind charm.
What, you think he just
leaves those things around
like some kind of calling card?
Are you kidding?
Ooh, wait, whoa, smell that?
Can we go in there?
I don't know man, I
hear people piss in here.
Oh, gross.
I just heard somebody
ate a whole large pizza
and shit themselves.
(dramatic music)
Do you hear that?
What is that?
(Barry screaming)
That's not good.
Come on, Ralph.
(dramatic music)
Oh, its nothing,
it's just-
(woman screaming)
Barry, help me.
Fish man.
Lulu.
Fish man.
(eerie music)
Oh no..is she still alive?
Good Lord.
Good Lord, Barry, I'm scared.
(eerie music continues)
[Heavy Breathing And Wimpers]
There's a map.
What?
Tacks on here.
This must, this must be
places he's been hitting.
Looks like he's about to
hit Skeleton Cove next.
People are fucking dead, dude.
People are fucking dead.
I can't do this, man.
We gotta call the cops.
We gotta call the fucking cops.
This is crazy.
Barry, the cops are more worried about
pulling over hipsters on
the way to Colonial Beach.
[Barry Wimpers]
No, hold up, You wanted to do this.
You wanted to defend this town, right?
(Barry) Yeah.
Am I right?
[Barry] Yes, yes.
There are people dying.
There's a psychopathic fisherman
chopping up people, using
their bodies as bait!
It's our time to save them.
Let's make Defender
Benders mean something,
a name they won't forget.
Are you with me?
Are you with me?
(heroic music)
Let's get this son of a bitch.
Ahoy mother fuckers.
Well, well mateys,
looks like tonight you all get to be part
of the minnow barrel.
Of all three of you,
which one of you will be the first mate?
Eenie meanie miny moe
catch a mermaid by the tail.
If she screams, let her...
Looks like it's you, pretty boy.
(Sam laughing)
Get over there.
Now, since you're gonna
be my first mate, cupcake,
you have to pass one little test first.
Now, whatever you do,
don't let go of this,
at least until you're in the water,
'cause it's the chum marker, chum.
(dramatic music)
What was that?
I can't understand a fucking word
you two boneheads are saying right now.
Hold still.
Please, don't kill me,
I'm just on vacation.
Oh, you're on vacation,
isn't that sweat?
Well, this aint no surf and
turf at fucking Funland!
(dramatic music)
(Sam laughing)
Its Slaughter Beach.
Now who's next?
(gentle music)
What is that smell?
May I help you, sir?
Oh, you're looking for the costume party
its on the board walk.
Hey, hey, hey, take it easy, take it easy.
Hey, hey, hang on a second.
Hey, I'm not looking for any trouble.
Hey, hey, stop.
Hey, stop.
There's nothing better than a live bait
to catch a crab.
(Dad screaming)
We've got it all set up.
Here's the plan.
We loop around close to his house.
We gotta pass the playground too.
We can't, we've gotta make
sure no one follows us.
We got this.
We gotta try.
(dramatic music)
Somewhere out there deep in the heart
of the Atlantic Ocean
Lulu waits for me.
(dramatic music)
(Sam laughing)
Skeleton Cove, here we come.
(gentle music)
Ew.
Where the hell am I?
[sharpening Sounds]
[Shanty Singing] There
once were brave sailors
that sailed out to sea
but little did they know
that out there lurked Lulu,
a giant horseshoe crab
that swallowed them whole.
Their only remains was of
the ship's bloody debris.
Well, well, well, slant eyed Charlie.
Looks like after all it's just you
and me and of course Lulu.
Can't you just sense her out there?
It just blows in the salt wind.
(Sam laughing)
But hey, first things first.
Gotta purify the bait!
(Squishy sounds)
(Sam laughing)
(man screaming)
Aw, quit the squealing slant eyed Charlie,
the juices are good for you.
Now, it goes without saying,
but hold still.
(Sam laughing)
(Dad screaming)
Nice shot, Bludgeon Man.
Good job on that slinging, bitch.
Let's go.
Mr. Wang, are you okay?
Dad.
Dad.
Barry?
I'm gonna get you out of here, Dad.
(tense music)
Hiya.
So you think you got guts, do you, kid?
Well now, I guess you two scallywags
proved something to me after all.
You're not a couple of skittish
little guppies, now are you?
Well let's see those guts of yours
all over the docks!
(Sam yelling)
[Ralph] Hey, Ralph?
All right, lad, we're gonna settle this
the old swashbuckling way.
On Guard!
(dramatic music)
Come on.
Whoa.
I missed the class on
psychopathic fisherman knots.
You swing like a girl
during baseball practice.
(Ralph screaming)
Ralph!
You're not walking away from that sonny.
Not so fast awesome turd.
Ralph?
I've been all up and
down this fucking beach
for over 20 years,
I'm not gonna let some
skiddish little fuck bags
sink my battleship.
I'm not about to let Lulu
just swim down the depths of hell
into the cold dark abyss
of Davy Jones' Locker.
I've been hunting Lulu for all my life,
and this time I'm this
close to getting her.
You see these eyes?
Look deep in these eyes, motherfucker,
'cause I'm the real "king of the sea."
(Sam laughing)
The hell you are.
(Sam yelling)
You look like a deformed fish stick.
Fuck you and your horseshoe
crabs, ya fuck in weirdo!
Tide's in, bitch!
(heroic music)
([Dramatic Music)
I thought fisherman could swim?
[Drowning Bubbles]
Ew.
He must have threw up a little bit.
Yeah, he definitely threw up a little bit.
Let's go home, boys.
You still gotta get a job.
This is our job.
(dramatic music)
Hey, it's that girl's purse,
and 25 cents.
We got two jobs done today, Ralph.
(gentle music)
[Ralph] I'll tell you what,
I'll never look at fish
the same way again.
(upbeat music)
I used to think that you
were always looking at me
And every time I'd smile
You'd just turn away
You'll never know at night
how much you used to haunt me
I thought that I would
never see the light of day
I saw you
Running around inside my head
I saw you
I see you everywhere
I see you everywhere
I see you everywhere
I see you everywhere
I never thought the silence
Would ever leave me
Those are our boats!
Are you guys really, what
the hell are you doing here?
We're superheros, sir,
the defender benders,
Awesome Boy and Bludgeon Man.
I don't see any crime going on here,
what are you doing?
I'm afraid to look at him.
I'm just an old dago..Italian guy.
I'm sorry.
Not all allowed to use
that term no more
But I'll throw you both
in the bay, if you're
f'ing around where you
shouldn't be f'in around,
and I don't want no one
messing around my boat.
[Barry] Nice boat ya got the...
And I won't use language
that I shouldn't use in case
but I am also a crime
fighter in a certain sense
because if you mess around my boat
I'm gonna...
Well, I'll have you know I know karate,
I know Taekwondo
I know tai chi,
I know kung fu.
I know it all.
When you're doing all your (drunk slurs)
"Kwai-gon-doe" shit, you need a space-
Maybe you could join our squad.
I would love that.
Be the third defender bender.
I'll think of a name for you.
Deadly wop?
Deadly Dago?
Are you a criminal, Phil?
You don't just go
and ask people if they're a criminal.
I am not a criminal,
I am just a drunk having a good time.
(Sam laughing)
(dramatic music)
(Fairground Music and kids laughing)
(man laughing)
That was great.
So, what'd you think?
Wanna go again?
(children screaming)
Come on.
Let's go.
Okay but, um, you think we
should be here after hours?
I think-
Let's go! You silly head
(dramatic music)
So, you didn't wanna
do the haunted house,
you hated it,
you didn't wanna do the Ferris wheel,
and you didn't even wanna play the games.
What did you wanna do?
Enjoy the scenery.
Rides are just too...
"Too" what?
Touristy.
This is just so much more enriching and...
Empowering.
I know why you brought
us here you sly little...
Just breathe it in.
(fishing reel sounds)
Doesn't it just..
Hook ya?
(man yelling)
Todd?
Todd?
Maybe I should just hook up with that guy.
(slow eerie music)
Oh, Todd...
(fishing reel sounds)
Oh my god please no,
I'm begging, I'm begging.
Oh no, no, no, no, no.
Please.
(dramatic music)
(Barbara screams)
[Loud Footsteps from above]
(dramatic music)
Help me! Help me!
Help me!
(Barbara screaming)
[Stalk And Slash Summer By The Jasons]
[TV News Broadcast] We've
been having a terrific summer.
This is a great town, great resort town.
We're very proud of the
amenities we have here
for people to enjoy
themselves in the summertime.
[Reporter] And what can you tell us
about the disappearances that
have been going on recently?
Well, I don't wanna speculate-
What the hamburger?
The TV's been on all night long, wow.
Ah, son of a...
Honey, where are the boys?
(tense music)
This is a big moment...
(Barry)... this is a very big
moment you son of a bitch.
I don't think so.
Go, go.
Go what?
Go fish.
I win.
Wait a minute.
Yeah.
First of all, I don't
even know how to play.
You don't know how to play Go Fish?
I win and that's why I'm the king,
the "king of the sea."
That's what everyone calls me.
No they don't, Barry.
Barry, nobody calls you "king of the sea."
Well not that name per se,
but the ladies do call me some names.
(Dad Off Screen)
- Hey, you ding bats,
get your smelly asses here right now.
Lazy bums.
That name?
All right, you're really,
you're real fucking funny.
I want you and Mr.Fiolli
out of here tonight.
Tonight?
Dad, we can't, we don't have time-
I did not get this house by the shore
to have two smoochers laying around
jerking your nut all the time.
We have a bunch of side jigs,
but they keep-
Side jigs?
They keep laying us off.
Let me think, side jigs.
Raking leaves, mowing the lawn.
Makes money.
Selling lemonade.
[Barry] Yes.
Pink lemonade of all the things.
Pink Lemonade is delicous.
It is delicious, people love it.
I printed some-
What's this?
Applications and resume.
Fill it out, look it over.
We don't need to do this, come on.
Look, there comes a time in a man's life
you gotta have responsibility,
take life seriously.
Fine, fine.
This is bullshit.
Do they do background checks?
'Cause I don't know if I'm
allowed to touch anybody.
What is that?
Is this a lock?
What a load of shit.
Everything's closed.
It must be off season.
Or it could just be us.
We are sort of the underbelly
of this section of town.
Nah, vacation spots
don't have underbellies,
it's all about the boardwalk novelties,
the fries, kids.
Occasional bang on the beach!
Mm-hmm, that's what
I'm talking about, yeah.
You know that restaurant back there
had a help wanted sign,
I should sue them for false advertising.
Sir, excuse me.
Excuse me sir.
Excuse me, sir, I have a question.
Sorry, you can't be here,
it's an active crime scene investigation.
Investigation, what?
Sorry, there's a
homicide unit down there.
You guys gotta be on your way.
[Ralph] That means somebody died.
[Barry] Well, we're just a
couple of future employees
trying to pick up some
applications, that's all.
I don't care who you are,
you gotta be on your way now.
Good-bye!
Okay guys, resumes look pretty good.
Anyway, I think I can hire you guys today,
I just need to speak with
my owner right quick,
could you guys give me a few minutes?
Do what you must,
we're impressive, I know.
Take all the time you need.
Dude.
We got the job.
You think maybe we can use that shed
as an apartment?
You wanna live in that shed?
Look at that thing, that thing's tiny,
where do I masturbate?
This job is not that hard,
I mean two monkeys can do it,
(dramatic music),
and we need the extra help.
Yeah, well...(indistinct)
That's disgusting.
I'm just saying it's-
You have your corner, I have mine.
(choking sounds)
You watch it on TV?
Well I mean it's very squiggly,
but you can still see a boob.
At least we can ask.
Hell yeah.
We're gonna get a job...
Hello?..hello?
[Ralph] ..Ghosted.
Look at these needle dicks
I know, fucking nerds.
[Barry] Dude look.
She fucking ditched us.
This is bullshit.
Are you kidding me?
I mean this is not the first time
I've been ditched by a woman.
Dude, watch this.
All right.
Hey.
Hey, hey, you guys can't do that.
What did you say to me?
Uh... Ralph!
Um..We are just gonna stand here
while you guys walk away,
'cause, Ralph? Back me up, back me up.
Put your phone down, put your phone down.
I'm trying to call 911.
911?
Put the phone down.
Gonna stop us?
Ralph, do something.
No, no, no.
Fucking nerds.
Why'd you do that?
I panicked, okay, I'm sorry.
Don't condescend me.. Fucking jerks.
I think they might still
be able to hear you, shut up.
No listen, this is what's
wrong with this town,
it's going downhill.
You see what just happened to us?
Bullshit.
It has been a day of shit.
This is bullshit, man, let's go.
I didn't want this job anyway.
(Upbeat music from Boardwalk)
I completely messed this up,
all right, just getting the crystals.
You know what, just... man (sigh).
That's how they get you.
That's how they get you man.
No, no, Ralph, you know what,
first my Sega channel
won't work, now this.
Don't get frustrated man,
you got a lot you're trying for.
Come on, girls love you, they really do.
They barely look at me, Jesus Christ.
Look, there's lot of crime
going on around here,
people are scared, they
don't know what to do.
They don't wanna stay open.
They don't wanna give people jobs.
Don't let this stop you
from pursuing your career.
You need to make money somehow.
You're right, Ralph, you're right.
We can take the law into our own hands,
take responsibility.
We can find out what's
going on with this town,
and make it crime free.
And maybe find jobs,
but most importantly defend my basement,
'cause we have a lot of stuff in there.
You know, Barry, just when I thought
you were really good at board games
you come up with this great idea.
I mean everybody's making
their own business.
Look at those people on TV,
they get their own house,
big old huge mansion,
and all they do is collect rubber bands.
I collect rubber bands,
do I make any money?
No.
There's only one problem.
What's that?
We don't have a means a transportation.
You know my car got banged
up in that fender bender.
Ralph that's just it, we can be called
the "Defender Benders."
Dude, you just stepped in a lot of puke.
Son of a bitch.
Hey, down by the marina,
everything looks nice
and good for tonight,
so I'm gonna call it a night.
See you in the morning.
[Radio] 10 four that, Bob.
Off the premises this
is private property.
I got a couple of those
lucky loo jack offs from earlier,
I wanna me go investigate more thoroughly.
[Radio] Okay, Bob.
(tense piano music)
(Bob screaming)
All right, what do we
got here? What do we got?
Light man?
Pot man?
Nah, they'll get the wrong idea
if you do that.
Vinyl man, that sounds cool,
but we could do better.
Yes.
Awesome.
[Reporter] The missing
person has been identified
as college student Barbara Quigley.
Ralph, we're in business.
AB?
What's that stand for?
Awesome Boy.
(Heroic fanfare)
I thought we were just
gonna be defender benders.
Can't be that simple man.
Come on! The X-men! Then you got Cyclopes,
Wolverine, Iceman, you got all those names
under that one big name.
Okay.
I like that.
[Barry] What about
you, what's your name?
[Ralph] Mine?
[Barry] - Your superhero name, man, what is it?
Bludgeon Man?
Bludgeon Man.
Simple, yet effective.
Yeah, exactly.
[TV Interview] We've
just taken some steps
like you can walk the boardwalk,
but there's gonna be a
number of facilities closed.
Ralph, whatever's putting
the pause button in this town
needs to be taken down.
Damn right.
We need to take justice
into our own hands.
I do agree man.
To the bender mobile. [Clinging Sound]
We don't even have a car.
We don't need one.
The bender mobile.
All right.
But I drive when I break in a new partner.
(Surf music)
Closed.
Closed, closed.
What the hell's going
on around here, Ralph?
What the hell?
This place was packed an hour ago.
The arcade machine line, it was this long,
now there's nobody.
It's monkey shit, it's horse shit,
and most especially it's bullshit.
Well that's a lot of shit.
There's nothing going on,
it's a Saturday night
and it's a ghost town.
There's not one person hanging around.
I mean there was a time
on a Saturday night
it was wild out here.
It was like,
there's people over there having sex,
a "Tsunami of Fuck-air"
would just hit everybody in the face,
walk past it, get right in the nostrils.
I remember those days.
There was a girl that
used to hang around here
that would just have this musical queef,
freak everybody out.
People would just...
Ralph, please don't get into that.
We just can't wait for crime
to land in our laps, okay?
We have to get out there.
I saw a couple earlier,
we could save them.
We could do something, I don't know.
There's gotta be some crime in this town!
We are the Defender Benders.
You mean to tell me the one night
we decide to be vigilantes
there's nothing going on?
We gotta look for it.
Are you with me, buddy?
Very with you.
I'm looking forward to
this crime fighting life.
Let's go.
(Funky beat music)
Hey, dummy, can you not read?
This shopping area is smoke free.
I'll take care of that for you.
Excuse me, but are you 21?
I didn't think so.
I just saved these guys their ABC license.
Try a pink lemonade instead.
Good job Bludgeon Man.
What do we have here,
a bike thief?
Ralph?...okay, its your bike, bud.
We're out on the beach just relaxing,
you know, it's nice.
What the fuck?
The defender benders always make sure
everyone's protected.
(man screaming) Yo!
Let's check out that place.
That one?
Mm-hmm.
You serious?
Punch it.
Punch it.
[Ralph] I'm sorry.. It's
scary looking (grumbles).
[Barry]
This is why I have to drive.
(bell dinging)
Oh, Ralph, I always wanted to do this.
(bell ringing)
Good afternoon, ma'am.
(bell ringing)
The defender benders are here.
Now hold up. (Bell ringing)
(bell ringing)
Is it a bird?
(bell ringing) is it a plane?
(bell ringing)
That is Awesome Boy and Bludgeon
Man in your ice cream shop
(bell ringing)
Today.
You're welcome.
Are you gonna order something?
'Cause we close in five minutes.
Have you seen any crime?
Crime?
(bell ringing)
That's it, get out, we're closed.
Oh, you close in five minutes?
- [Barry]That's the real crime.
- [Ralph] Let's just go. I'm really sorry.
Your name's Annie? (Bell rings)
That's a villainous bitch name.
(bell dinging)
That was okay.
Yeah, good idea.
"Crime fighters!" real good.
Really gonna take us seriously, I bet.
Yeah, sure.
Listen, I've got a few ideas, Ralph.
We could do a super yard sale.
Or maybe a super hero blood donation!
(eerie music)
(Annie screams)
Pick it up, pick it up!
- [Ralph] oh my god.
(Upbeat Surf Music)
Fuck.
What happened?
He just took my purse,
will you go get him?
Oh, oh, he took your purse,
now you need us huh?
Well the defender benders-
- Would you just go get him?
- [Barry] The Defender Bend-
I gotcha! Okay?
We're gonna go.
(Surf music continues)
Stop right there, you criminal scum.
Time to meet your maker, bitch.
Ow, mother fucker!
Sorry, sorry.
Bludgeon Man, engage bludgeon attack.
(heavy panting)
(shovel clanging)
Get up. I know we tried, we tried.
(Annie clearing her throat)
Thanks a lot you dick heads.
She's right.
There's still people out.
You said no one comes to
this spot at this time.
Well usually they don't.
Well why don't we go for a nice swim?
Right now?
Really?
Honestly, it's kind of cold,
and it's really gonna kill my boner.
Yeah, that's the idea.
Why don't you just go,
I'm just gonna relax.
Buzz kill.
(tense music)
Well hey, maybe I'll meet
you in a couple minutes,
all right, just gotta work
up the courage, you know?
(Rock music plays from headphones)
Nigel, you gotta come
in here, it's amazing.
(woman screaming)
[Killer] Anchors away!
(Skull crushing sounds)
(Girl screaming from afar)
Hey babe, I'm on my way, I swear.
(Nigel screaming)
Barry, are you sure
this is going to work?
Of course it's gonna work.
You know, your negativity
is really killing my vibe, man.
What is this? Ew.
You just gotta be positive, man.
Ladies and gentleman, crime fighters,
25 cents to save the day.
The defender benders are here to stay.
Ooh, that rhymed! Oh...
25 cents to save the day.
Crime fighters.
You gotta get into it Ralph.
You gotta, you gotta go, man.
Project with me.
Try it.
[Quietly] Crime fighters,
only 25 cents.
You gotta try a little harder.
25 cents to save the day.
Lost a balloon?
We're right here for you.
Popped tire?
We're here for ya.
Anything else?
Come on.
Crime fighters, 25 cents.
Great, great.
Yo, guys, will you
watch my stuff for me?
It's priceless, I'll be right back,
I just gotta go to the bathroom.
Oh my gosh,
oh, oh, I mean, yes good
citizen of Slaughter Beach,
we can watch your stuff.
Awesome, thank you.
Yeah, no problem.
Look!
[Inaudible Excitement]
We get to save this guy!
[Ralph] Save him from what?
[Barry] We are heroes. Yes!
Okay, all right.
We just have to watch his stuff.
- [Ralph] yeah, that's it.
Dude, so easy.
[Ralph] Of course it's easy,
you don't even have to touch it.
I know.
Wait a second.
[Ralph] Who knows what
he uses that rod for.
No, no.
You're hungry right?
I'm always hungry,
and I haven't eaten for five hours.
Why don't we take his fishing pole,
and we'll go fishing and catch some fish.
Uh, you mean steal it?
Borrow it.
Of course we're gonna bring it back,
we need the money.
Alright? So grab your shovel,
I'll get some fishing line,
we got two fishing poles right there,
we'll grab some lunch.
Come on, all right, let's go.
(Reggae music)
You see, Ralph, fresh air, the ocean,
spending time with my best friend.
It couldn't get any better than this.
There's very little right now
that's gonna lift my spirits.
Why do you think I'm trying
to catch us some lunch?
You know how contaminated that shit is?
There are homeless people daily
pissing and shitting in that dump.
All these fishes look at homeless dicks.
You know, one time I saw a homeless man
jerking off into the water.
It was disgusting.
He was really getting into it too.
Didn't give a shit there was a family
five feet away, really kind of gross.
Even the fish hate this water.
Look at that fish right there,
it's giving us the finger.
(woman screaming)
I think I caught something, Ralph.
(woman screaming)
I got a fish.
Come on-
I don't even know how to fish.
Grab the fishing line.
[Ralph] Fine I'll help!
We're gonna lose it.
(woman screaming)
Another worm,
get another worm in the can.
That was the last one.
Are you kidding me?
Uh yeah!
Is there a bait shop around here?
[Radio] Ahoy mateys!
It's your old buddy Fish Man Sam
to tell you about Fish
Man Sam's bait shops.
Feast your eyes on vast
treasures, (indistinct),
Finest fishing reels,
and anchors in all shapes and sizes.
But hey, If you're running low on bait.
Don't sweat it.
Instead of standing there like an idiot
trying to figure out where should I go,
well, come on down to Fishman
Sam's bait shop of course.
Listen, if you wanna win that
prize winnin trout this summer
well don't just stand there
looking like a goober gobber,
[Cartoon Sounds]
Sail on down to Fishman
Sam's bait shop today.
In the next 30 minutes...
Did you hear that?
Yeah, yeah.
How convenient.
Yeah, almost too convenient.
[Radio continues] Located
on 55 Warren Avenue,
by the Colonial Beach Camp
Ground [Radio Continues]
Exactly what we need.
(dramatic music)
It should be around here
right, did you get it right?
Yeah, I hope so,
Remember the last time
you got the address wrong,
we went two hours the wrong way?
(dog barking)
[Barry] Look at all the..crab shit.
[Ralph] I bet all that
comes with a 'free curse'
[Barry] Are there crab and fish ghosts?
[Ralph] Do crabs have ghosts?
Yeah, crabs have ghosts,
they're the ghosts on people's pubes,
those are ghost crabs.
[Barry] Hello?
Holy schnikies, what do
you think this came from?
Probably the ocean.
This thing's heavy as hell.
And I feel like I'd need a tetanus shot
just from holding it.
Whoa, check this out, Ralph.
That doesn't look appetizing.
What do you think this is?
Disgusting.
No, it's awesome.
(Loud bang)
(eerie music)
That there is the shell
of a horseshoe crab.
From the Limulidae family
Illuminati?
I thought that was a myth about-
It's not a myth young man.
It's very much as real.
As you and me.
Deadliest horseshoe crab of all
is that of the ferocious Lulu,
the biggest and deadliest horseshoe crab
of all the sea.
No man's ever encountered her, except one,
the blood thirsty ferocious pirate,
Captain Blood Beard.
He saw the giant horseshoe
crab monster as ultimate prize.
It's quite ironic actually
the world's deadliest pirate
met the world's deadliest sea creature.
But you know, Captain
Blood Beard's downfall
was that of his pride.
Never caught Lulu,
but I will.
The thing with the horseshoe crab,
isn't like any other sea creature is
the way it swims.
They swim upside down,
those spider-like legs they have,
they tingle about.
It's one of those legs on Lulu
that'll snatched up a 25-foot shark,
and gobbled it up for lunch.
I'd be careful if I were you two
swimming these waters.
Or else she might take off
more than your nipples.
(dramatic music stops)
(Sam laughing)
I'm just fucking with you.
You ought to see the looks on your faces,
like a couple of skiddish little guppies.
(Ralph and Barry laughing)
You got us.
But I digress mates,
I bid you welcome to my
humble abode bait shop.
I'm Mr. Phillips, no
formalities if you please.
I am Fish man Sam,
what can I do ya for?
We were just looking for some bait.
Yeah, going for some lunch.
Oh, bait, you came to the right place.
Fish Man Sam's
bait in a can.
Yes sire, one good little scoop
that fish is poop.
Ew.
Just take a little fingertip's
worth of this sweet stuff,
put on the edge of ya hook
you'll be catching fish
all the way from the pier
up the Portland, Maine.
Up to Portland, Oregon, for that matter
or my name ain't Fish man Sam.
How much?
Charge you a quarter for it.
No refunds.
We never had (indistinct).
That should be enough.
There you go.
That'll be fine.
Thank you, sir.
Best of luck to you, looks
like you're gonna need it.
Oh, can we have a job?
No.
Damn it.
Crazy kids on Summer break.
(humming)
What part of this fish
do you think this is?
Dude, who cares.
Think I'll catch anything?
Hey, I trust that guy.
I haven't fished since I was like three,
and that ended badly.
Oh yeah, what kind of fish was it?
Exactly, I didn't catch a fish.
You know, I don't think
this bait is working.
How you doing over there, Ralph?
I think I got something.
Oh, oh my God.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm teaching you a lesson.
I'm teaching you a lesson, babe.
Jesus Christ, you're
fishing, not fucking.
Ooh, it's a tight bugger
Oh she pull in.
You sound like a creep.
Oh my God.
Ralph, Ralph look.
We're monster hunters.
See, Ralph, "king of the sea."
Whoa.
I thought Lulu would be bigger than this.
Lulu?
- [Barry] Yeah.
- [Ralph] good lord.
- [ Barry] Oh, nice, dude, check these out.
- [Ralph] Groos man.
Other worldly man.
Do you think this is worth money?
Yeah, money.
Oh, dude, we could sell
it to that bait shop guy.
Yes.
(Eerie music)
What is that?
I don't know.
(squishy sounds)
Is that what I think it is?
You know what this means, right?
What?
That bait's unsanitary.
(dramatic music)
Hey.
(knocking on door)
Come on, open up.
Open up, I see you.
Come on.
Let us get some ice cream.
Come on, please, please.
She's not gonna.
Yo, cheers.
Cheers.
Yo, I gotta take a piss, man,
I've been having to take a piss all night.
(laughing) Yo, dude, I
thought of the funniest thing.
Yo.
Yo dude,
yo come on, man, stop
fucking around, seriously.
It's not funny anymore, man.
Yo, dude, are you there?
(knocking on door)
[Barry] Dad, dad, open the door,
open the door, please,
please, open the door!
Please dad, open the door.
Open the door, open the door!!
Open it, we need his help.
I'm gonna break the fucking door down,
I hope you don't mind.
Do it.
[Ralph] - I don't have the money.
Dad, please.
(Ralph screams violently)
Open the door.
Dad, we gotta get the cops.
Slow down, Neighbors are sleeping.
We need your help.
We have to get the cops dad.
This fish man Sam guy is sick,
he's sick, okay.
Fish man who?
(Barry) Fish man Sam!
Tell him.
Can you tell him?
You're not helping.
I'm trying.
I don't fucking know what I'm
fucking doing here anymore.
(Ralph indistinctly talking)
You're not, you're not helping Ralph.
Question for you guys,
did you get a job yet?
Look, when you get a job come on back.
Get out of here,
get out of here right now.
Stay off my property.
Get out, okay?
[Barry] We need your help.
No.
Stop.
Okay, dad.
All right.
[Dad] What?
Me and Ralph,
we
Are partners
in crime fighting.
What are we gonna do?
That's where you get your rudeness from.
I do not have rudeness.
You are rude.
Do you have something you wanna tell me?
(dramatic music)
(man screams)
If you guys are still here, I'm closing.
Bye.
Don't you have a beer
pong competition to go to?
[Keys Fall]
Shit.
Goddamn tourists.
Jesus Christ man,
you gonna rub the can?
You think there's some kind of Fish-Genie that just pops out?
...
Hey, look at me, I'm a fish genie!
All the fish you can eat!
Ralph, stop being a smart ass... We
have to take this can to head of security...
It wasn't fish guts,
it was like human guts... WOAH!
(can clanging)
You all right?
Yeah, thank you.
It goes really far out.
Look, it's way over there.
[Ralph]
- You think it's a good idea?
[Barry] come on, we have to investigate.
[Ralph] This could be a lot of trouble
I think that's real blood.
I don't like this man.
I don't even like blood, dude.
Ralph, Ralph, there's
someone over there.
Hey, hey mister, mister.
Mister?
Mister?
Mister?
Hello sir.
Sir?
I think he's alive, Ralph.
Mister?
Come on man, let's get out of here.
Ralph, he's still alive.
This is not our deal, man,
dead bodies? No.
Come on, man, he needs our help.
(dramatic music)
Ralph, Ralph, Ralph.
It's that fish man guy, right, it's him.
It's gotta be.
Look at the trail of blood,
it leads right to the body.
I thought this was gonna be fun, games,
superhero life.
Everybody loves a superhero.
This is not fun...
This is NOT fun!
This is terrible.
Okay.
Okay, okay, okay, all right.
Okay.
First things first.
We're gonna get this together,
we're gonna go back to the bait shop,
and we're gonna get more answers
so we can figure out
what the hell's going on,
and we're gonna stop anymore death.
Nobody else is going to die.
(tense music)
Okay, I'm leaving now.
(tense music)
(Annie gasping)
You know, Annie, most of
the world is covered by water.
But it's a fisherman's job.
To find the best parts!
Shh.
Don't scream, you'll scare the fish away.
(Sam laughing)
["I See You Everywhere"
By Station plays]
(people screaming)
[Sam] Don't you look like
a cute little mermaid?
(fishing reel sounds)
Time for face lift, Flipper!
(woman screaming)
(man screaming)
Only a face a mother could love.
Ahoy, matey.
No, please, please.
(Sam laughing)
Looks like you're a walking
"clamity", huh, bitch?
No guts, no glory,
that's a fisherman's motto.
I smell fresh bait in the air.
Help me somebody!
Somebody please!
(woman screaming)
Ralph, look.
He's near.
How can you tell?
Fish man Sam.
Rookie, God.
It's a wind charm.
What, you think he just
leaves those things around
like some kind of calling card?
Are you kidding?
Ooh, wait, whoa, smell that?
Can we go in there?
I don't know man, I
hear people piss in here.
Oh, gross.
I just heard somebody
ate a whole large pizza
and shit themselves.
(dramatic music)
Do you hear that?
What is that?
(Barry screaming)
That's not good.
Come on, Ralph.
(dramatic music)
Oh, its nothing,
it's just-
(woman screaming)
Barry, help me.
Fish man.
Lulu.
Fish man.
(eerie music)
Oh no..is she still alive?
Good Lord.
Good Lord, Barry, I'm scared.
(eerie music continues)
[Heavy Breathing And Wimpers]
There's a map.
What?
Tacks on here.
This must, this must be
places he's been hitting.
Looks like he's about to
hit Skeleton Cove next.
People are fucking dead, dude.
People are fucking dead.
I can't do this, man.
We gotta call the cops.
We gotta call the fucking cops.
This is crazy.
Barry, the cops are more worried about
pulling over hipsters on
the way to Colonial Beach.
[Barry Wimpers]
No, hold up, You wanted to do this.
You wanted to defend this town, right?
(Barry) Yeah.
Am I right?
[Barry] Yes, yes.
There are people dying.
There's a psychopathic fisherman
chopping up people, using
their bodies as bait!
It's our time to save them.
Let's make Defender
Benders mean something,
a name they won't forget.
Are you with me?
Are you with me?
(heroic music)
Let's get this son of a bitch.
Ahoy mother fuckers.
Well, well mateys,
looks like tonight you all get to be part
of the minnow barrel.
Of all three of you,
which one of you will be the first mate?
Eenie meanie miny moe
catch a mermaid by the tail.
If she screams, let her...
Looks like it's you, pretty boy.
(Sam laughing)
Get over there.
Now, since you're gonna
be my first mate, cupcake,
you have to pass one little test first.
Now, whatever you do,
don't let go of this,
at least until you're in the water,
'cause it's the chum marker, chum.
(dramatic music)
What was that?
I can't understand a fucking word
you two boneheads are saying right now.
Hold still.
Please, don't kill me,
I'm just on vacation.
Oh, you're on vacation,
isn't that sweat?
Well, this aint no surf and
turf at fucking Funland!
(dramatic music)
(Sam laughing)
Its Slaughter Beach.
Now who's next?
(gentle music)
What is that smell?
May I help you, sir?
Oh, you're looking for the costume party
its on the board walk.
Hey, hey, hey, take it easy, take it easy.
Hey, hey, hang on a second.
Hey, I'm not looking for any trouble.
Hey, hey, stop.
Hey, stop.
There's nothing better than a live bait
to catch a crab.
(Dad screaming)
We've got it all set up.
Here's the plan.
We loop around close to his house.
We gotta pass the playground too.
We can't, we've gotta make
sure no one follows us.
We got this.
We gotta try.
(dramatic music)
Somewhere out there deep in the heart
of the Atlantic Ocean
Lulu waits for me.
(dramatic music)
(Sam laughing)
Skeleton Cove, here we come.
(gentle music)
Ew.
Where the hell am I?
[sharpening Sounds]
[Shanty Singing] There
once were brave sailors
that sailed out to sea
but little did they know
that out there lurked Lulu,
a giant horseshoe crab
that swallowed them whole.
Their only remains was of
the ship's bloody debris.
Well, well, well, slant eyed Charlie.
Looks like after all it's just you
and me and of course Lulu.
Can't you just sense her out there?
It just blows in the salt wind.
(Sam laughing)
But hey, first things first.
Gotta purify the bait!
(Squishy sounds)
(Sam laughing)
(man screaming)
Aw, quit the squealing slant eyed Charlie,
the juices are good for you.
Now, it goes without saying,
but hold still.
(Sam laughing)
(Dad screaming)
Nice shot, Bludgeon Man.
Good job on that slinging, bitch.
Let's go.
Mr. Wang, are you okay?
Dad.
Dad.
Barry?
I'm gonna get you out of here, Dad.
(tense music)
Hiya.
So you think you got guts, do you, kid?
Well now, I guess you two scallywags
proved something to me after all.
You're not a couple of skittish
little guppies, now are you?
Well let's see those guts of yours
all over the docks!
(Sam yelling)
[Ralph] Hey, Ralph?
All right, lad, we're gonna settle this
the old swashbuckling way.
On Guard!
(dramatic music)
Come on.
Whoa.
I missed the class on
psychopathic fisherman knots.
You swing like a girl
during baseball practice.
(Ralph screaming)
Ralph!
You're not walking away from that sonny.
Not so fast awesome turd.
Ralph?
I've been all up and
down this fucking beach
for over 20 years,
I'm not gonna let some
skiddish little fuck bags
sink my battleship.
I'm not about to let Lulu
just swim down the depths of hell
into the cold dark abyss
of Davy Jones' Locker.
I've been hunting Lulu for all my life,
and this time I'm this
close to getting her.
You see these eyes?
Look deep in these eyes, motherfucker,
'cause I'm the real "king of the sea."
(Sam laughing)
The hell you are.
(Sam yelling)
You look like a deformed fish stick.
Fuck you and your horseshoe
crabs, ya fuck in weirdo!
Tide's in, bitch!
(heroic music)
([Dramatic Music)
I thought fisherman could swim?
[Drowning Bubbles]
Ew.
He must have threw up a little bit.
Yeah, he definitely threw up a little bit.
Let's go home, boys.
You still gotta get a job.
This is our job.
(dramatic music)
Hey, it's that girl's purse,
and 25 cents.
We got two jobs done today, Ralph.
(gentle music)
[Ralph] I'll tell you what,
I'll never look at fish
the same way again.
(upbeat music)
I used to think that you
were always looking at me
And every time I'd smile
You'd just turn away
You'll never know at night
how much you used to haunt me
I thought that I would
never see the light of day
I saw you
Running around inside my head
I saw you
I see you everywhere
I see you everywhere
I see you everywhere
I see you everywhere
I never thought the silence
Would ever leave me
Those are our boats!
Are you guys really, what
the hell are you doing here?
We're superheros, sir,
the defender benders,
Awesome Boy and Bludgeon Man.
I don't see any crime going on here,
what are you doing?
I'm afraid to look at him.
I'm just an old dago..Italian guy.
I'm sorry.
Not all allowed to use
that term no more
But I'll throw you both
in the bay, if you're
f'ing around where you
shouldn't be f'in around,
and I don't want no one
messing around my boat.
[Barry] Nice boat ya got the...
And I won't use language
that I shouldn't use in case
but I am also a crime
fighter in a certain sense
because if you mess around my boat
I'm gonna...
Well, I'll have you know I know karate,
I know Taekwondo
I know tai chi,
I know kung fu.
I know it all.
When you're doing all your (drunk slurs)
"Kwai-gon-doe" shit, you need a space-
Maybe you could join our squad.
I would love that.
Be the third defender bender.
I'll think of a name for you.
Deadly wop?
Deadly Dago?
Are you a criminal, Phil?
You don't just go
and ask people if they're a criminal.
I am not a criminal,
I am just a drunk having a good time.
(Sam laughing)