Slay (2024) Movie Script
1
Fuck, dang it.
Alright.
Who the fuck's doing that?
The hell?
Yeah!
Gotcha!
Son of a bitch.
Robin, look out!
What the hell was that?
Oh, my God, was that a person?
Robin!
That wasn't no person.
Just some rabid animal.
Who let your pussy
out of its cage?
So, last night's audience really liked
our number after intermission,
so I think I'm gonna move it up.
We should swap
Bella's solo for mine.
No, no, we still need an upbeat number
right before the reading.
Okay, then I'll close it.
Girl, this is not
the Olive Wood Show.
Will you quit pitching this?
Robin, as our manager,
you want a killer show, right?
Perhaps we can tackle this exciting idea tomorrow?
Or,
we vote on it.
Bella!
Yeah?
Should I close the show?
Yes, bitch!
You always slay.
See? Two to one.
We're not making
any major changes.
Oh, okay. So, fuck my ideas.
Look here!
Half of these ideas are yours!
And you want to know why?
Because I take suggestions like I suck dick.
If it's good, I'll swallow.
I've seen her do it.
Yes, diva. Listen
to your mother.
Bitch, you just agreed with me!
About what?
About me closing.
Well, whatever Mama wants.
Not you taking the
word drag literally.
So, Mama...
Uh-huh.
Y'all been at it a lot recently.
Any issues I need
to be worried about?
Girl, there's no issues.
She's just cranky is all.
We're all exhausted
and being broke ass
poor ain't helping.
Well, luckily tonight's not just a generous paycheck.
It's also at a legendary venue.
I don't know how you
pulled this one off.
We're here.
Wait, wait, Robin, stop!
The Bold Buck?
Yeah, you girls excited?
Please tell me you're joking?
What?
We've been looking forward to this gig for ages.
Robin, sweetie,
we've been looking forward
to performing at The Bold Tuck.
Not this dive for
Sons of Anarchy rejects.
Bitch, you booked
the wrong venue!
Watch your mouth.
But she's right, sweetie.
You booked the wrong venue.
Oh fudge, not again.
Oh my God, I have zero bars!
Yay, we're here.
Ooh, check out the trade.
Plaid on plaid on
plaid, yes cowboy!
It's giving authentic,
Blake Shelton realness.
Well, looky here.
Looks like the carnival freak show's in town.
You lady boys lost or summin'?
No, no, we're good.
You need help turning
your asses around or what?
This ass has been
turned, lifted, and dropped
more times than a Broadway curtain.
If it was gonna have
any more work done,
it wouldn't be by you.
Your makeup and fairy glitter
ain't fooling nobody, fellas.
Bitch, neither is
that flashy exhaust
on that entry level hog.
Shut the fuck up, Fatboy.
Evening.
Hello, yes, I'm Robin Banks.
We spoke over email.
Uh, we did?
We're performing tonight.
Y'all a band or summin'?
We're drag queens, sweetie.
Y'all are in the wrong place.
I wish we were.
This some kinda joke, Dusty?
Yeah uh, Mindy must
have booked it.
Oh, fabulous.
May we speak with Mindy?
She works day shift.
The person who booked us is not even here?
Yeah, looks that way.
Perfect, let's just get the hell outta here.
No, no, no, no,
no, no, don't go.
Look, you were booked
fair and square.
And I've got no other
show lined up, so
welcome to The Buck.
One moment, please.
Group meeting, group meeting.
Do you see all the
daddies in here?
I see why this place
is so legendary.
Bitch, we're in the wrong place.
We're not staying.
The crowd looks like
they're out for blood.
The money we make here wouldn't
even cover our medical expenses.
Okay, all right.
Bella? Robin?
I'm with you, Mama.
I'm sorry, ladies, this is
my fault, I should've...
Uh, uh, uh, what don't we do?
We don't should on ourselves.
Exactly.
Alright, let's go.
Oh my God, it's them.
Be cool, be cool.
We are so excited to
watch you perform tonight.
I'm not even a little embarrassed to admit
it's been the most exciting thing on my schedule for weeks.
Well, I'm sorry to break it
to you, but unfortunately...
Unfortunately, we
are running behind.
Oh, don't worry about that.
It's not like we've been waiting..
Uh.. I don't know,
our entire lives for
this town to throw a drag show.
Bitch, we got you.
Well, we better
go get our seats.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
This doesn't change anything.
Olive Wood.
I have to tell you,
I loved your performance at Ride the Saddle Drag.
You should've won, by the way. Hands down.
Oh my God, right?
Yeah, Carrie On
can't read for shit.
Bitch, thank you.
This is like a dream come true.
Nothing good ever happens
in this shit hole town,
but, here you are.
Reminds you why
we do this, right?
Argh, shit.
I did not sign up to break
little queer hearts.
Come on then.
Y'all know it takes me
at least an hour to beat my face.
Ain't that the tea.
This is your room for tonight.
Dusty, was it?
Yeah.
I'm detecting notes of
stale beer and sweat.
My guess is piss.
Oh honey, we've
got a fix for that.
Oh, wait.
These uh, these sprinklers
are ancient 'n super touchy.
You can't even make smokin' old fashioneds anymore.
Yeah, the show is in an hour.
Tucking tape.
Want me to show
you how it works?
It'll cost you extra.
You can close it.
Yeah.
Squeal like a pig,
squeal like a pig.
They were all going crazy and
crying all sorts of things.
We've been dating
for about two years
and she turns to me one day
and says, you
know, I don't think
that was such a hot idea.
Well, fuck it, let's
get a drink in the bar.
Mama, look how thick
I look, girl, look at it.
Girl, those craters are
what killed the dinosaurs.
You right, all this ass-teroid, it sure did.
Ass-destroyed.
Whoo!
You can call her planet killer.
Alright ladies.
-Yeah.
Let's show these people what they've been missing.
Now, Imma go get those
lighting cues together.
Get it girl.
Ugh, dammit,
I can't find my pins.
Mama, your LaBeija
pin? I couldn't!
Yes you could,
cause we only have
10 minutes till curtain call.
Okay, so for the opener, I
was thinking after the wrist tap
that I step into a jazz split?
Yes, I love that.
No last minute changes to the choreography.
I'm just embellishing it.
So it would be,
turn, turn, pas de bourre,
wrist tap and... I split!
No, I split.
You stay the same, okay?
Okay...?
No tweaks, it'll
upset the balance.
Y'all doing the
same thing anyway,
it's only a tweak for me.
Which has a ripple effect on the whole team.
You mean Bella?
She's got it, right Bella?
Yes girl!
No more pas de bourre.
No! Oh my God, you're gonna
do the same thing.
Listen, let me show
you how it is, okay?
Here we go...
- Girl!
No changes, keep it as tight
as our tucks, understood?
Goddamn it Earl, how many times
must I tell you this ain't
no chaise lounge?
This is our talent for tonight.
Now, she'll guide you through
the cues and stuff,
just make it, you know?
This a stripper act?
Well, there will be
generous servings of cake.
Now, we need a warm front
wash for the opening number
with lekos for dramatic punches,
and keep the fresnels soft.
Mama says it creates
an intimate atmosphere,
but it's actually for softening
that five o'clock shadow.
Uh, I got a spotlight,
uh, it moves if you push it.
I see.
We've got some work to do.
Sweet baby Jesus,
I mean, just what
the hell can I eat Dusty?
Like I told you
the delivery's late, kitchen's closed.
Grab some bar nuts
till Rufus comes.
Your stinking nuts.
Hey, that's for everyone.
Place sure as hell's
going to shit.
Your old man would be turning in
his grave if he saw this Dusty.
Yeah, soon you'll have a big ass
rainbow flag behind the bar.
Look, if y'all don't want to stay
for a performance you can leave, fellas.
You keep staring like that,
she gonna pull out
the bear spray.
No idea what you're
talking about.
Mm-hmm.
Earl, try that.
Ooh, give me the gobos, give me the gobos.
Gobos.
Earl, you keep impressing me like this,
we might have to kidnap you for our next tour.
Alright, let's cue up
the opening performance.
Theydies and gentlethems.
Straight from their global tour
of several nearby towns.
Welcome to the stage
your queens!
There's some whores
in this house
There's some whores
in this house
There's some whores
in this house
I said certified freak,
seven days a week
Wet ass pussy,
make that pullout game weak
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, you fucking
with some wet ass pussy
Bring a bucket and a mop
for this wet ass pussy
Give me everything you got
for this wet ass pussy
Beat it up, baby,
catch a charge
Extra large, and extra hard
Put this pussy
right in yo' face
Swipe your nose
like a credit card
Hop on top, I want a ride
I do a kegel
while it's inside
Spit in my mouth,
look at my eyes
This pussy is wet,
come take a dive
Tie me up like I'm surprised
Let's role-play,
I wear a disguise
I want you to park
that big Mack truck
Right in this little garage
Make it cream,
make me scream
Out in public, make a scene
I don't cook, I don't clean
But let me tell
you, I got this ring
Gobble me, swallow me,
drip down the side of me
Quick, jump out 'fore you
let it get inside of me
I tell him where to put it,
never tell him
where I'm 'bout to be
I run down on him
'fore I have a
running me. Talk yo'
shit, bite your lip
Ask for a car
while you ride that dick
You ain't never gotta
fuck him for a thing
He already made his mind up
'fore he came
Now get your boots
and your coat
for this wet ass pussy
He bought a phone
just for pictures
of this wet ass pussy
Pay my tuition
just to kiss me
on this wet ass pussy
Now make it rain
if you wanna see
some wet ass pussy
Now from the top,
make it drop,
that's some wet ass pussy
- This show come with barf bags?
That's some wet ass pussy
- This show come with barf bags?
That's some wet ass pussy
I'm talking WAP, WAP, WAP
That's some wet ass pussy
Macaroni in a pot
That's some wet
ass pussy, huh
There's some whores
in this house
There's some whores
in this house
There's some whores
in this house
There's some whores
in this house
Yay! Ladies, I mean,
I can barely tiptoe
around a puddle in my crocs
'n here you all are dancin'
in heels higher than my bar tab!
I just, I'm done for it.
Shut up, Sheila.
Well, I bet y'all thought that acronym
stood for something else.
Weapons are permitted.
Well, you'd be right
this pussy is a weapon.
No?
Well, y'all really did
come to a drag show
expecting fastcars
or something.
Well, if it's powerful pistons you're after,
wait till you see
what's under my hood.
You suck.
Well, that I do, but
you ain't my type.
Oh, he ain't anyone's type.
Shut the hell up, Sheila.
You just shut your
mouth, Travis.
Or I'm gonna tell everyone you get
your mama to sew on those little
mean boy patches.
She does not, I do it myself!
Well, we've been looking for a new seamstress,
so if your audition
for the new Easy Rider reboot
doesn't work out for
you, give me a call.
The fuck you say to me?
Oh, I could do this all night, cause Mama
always gets the final say.
This ain't amateur
hour, so sit down.
Leave it up to
the professionals.
Sit down, Travis.
Now that that's out the way
let me tell y'all
a little story.
Me and the girls were
driving to a gig last week...
The hell is your problem, Rufus?
Rufus!
Yer high blood pressure smells.
Damn good.
Rufus, you're late!
Where the hell is my delivery?
One bite and I bet you'll
spray everywhere...
Back the hell up, hillbilly.
What the fuck?
Oh my God.
-Did everyone see that?
Teeth!
Travis!
He fucking...
Put the goddamn gun away!
Rufus, are you drunk?
You had one too many, man.
Dusty!
Ah, fuck!
What the fuck you
think you're doing?!
Get him off me!
What the hell?!
Did y'all see that?
He bit Fatboy.
Who bites a man?!
Goddamn fools.
You come back,
I'll stick my foot
so far up your ass,
your mustache will
scrub my boot clean.
See a goddamn dentist.
We're cool, we're
cool, all good.
Man, I don't know what got into him,
I've never seen Rufus like that.
You good?
That looks nasty Fatboy.
You might wanna have
that checked out.
And for sure a tetanus shot.
Ain't nothin'.
You wanna call it in?
Said it ain't nothin', just
a flesh wound is all.
Alright, leave him alone, he says he's fine.
Quit your clucking.
Okay, we're good,
get some drinks.
Well, should we continue?
You wanna talk
about what happened?
You mean the redneck that
just pulled a chunk out of that guy?
That was some Hills Have Eyes
type of shit right there.
No, I'm talking about
what happened on stage.
I told you no changes.
Are you serious?
You wanna do this now?
Mama, we need to be leaving.
Girl, the locals
threw that creep out.
We are safer in here with them, than
we are out there with him.
I don't think that the
enemy of my enemy is my friend,
really applies in this situation.
Well, I think we
should continue.
Look, we have fans.
Bitch, you only wanna stay cos
you found a sausage to chew on.
You know what?
You can pull my solo
from the set list
if it'll get us out
this shit hole any sooner.
Wow, it's been a while
since I had a man fight over me.
What's your secret?
I haven't had a hickey like that in years.
Ain't a damn joke!
Oh, sweetie.
That must've been a lot
for you to have witnessed.
You doing okay?
- I'm fine.
A real man knows how
to handle a brawl!
Isn't that right, Fatboy?
Urgh.
And how's your head?
My head is fine.
Don't worry about my head.
It's your head I'm worried about.
No matter how we're interpreting
this double entendre,
I am perfect.
Now, to a lady who's never
had any complaints about her head,
theydies and gentlethems,
Bella Da Boys!
I need a playboy,
super smash game boy
Send a dick pic,
then be on his way boy
Nothing like the
chick flicks,
not just some LA boy
Was Olive serious
about cutting her solo?
I don't know what
that girl wants.
You know, she asked to be
here, but she's been fighting
every creative decision since joining this house.
She just has a lot to learn about sisterhood.
It's her first family.
Remember what we were like back in the day?
Bitch, don't go there.
I've done my repentance.
I need a
playboy, super smash game boy
Send a dick pic,
then be on his way boy
Nothing like the
chick flicks,
not just some LA boy
When he hit this bet
the kitty make noise
Need a playboy
Excuse me, boys.
I'll be right back.
Woowhee, proceed with
caution, partner.
I'd give that ten,
if I were you Fatboy.
That could gag a grizzly.
The hell you doing, Fatboy?
Them lady boys turn you soft?
Hey! Hey! Move!
This ain't an eclipse
Fatboy, move your fat ass.
Hey! Bargain-bin Meat Loaf!
Shit!
Oh, you wanna go?
Let's... Okay.
You alright, Fatboy?
Fatboy, you don't
look so good. - Really?
Because I feel great!
Oh, hey Mama. Is it time for
our improv act already?
You smell delicious Travis!
It's time for our get the hell outta here act.
Now we can leave?
- Hey, get off him.
What the fuck Fatboy?!
You're a vegetarian.
Good God almighty!
Outside now!
Inside, now!
Fuck. Shit.
Fuck.
Pull yourself together.
We cool.
Did he actually
just turn to dust?
Well my tucks too tight
for me to be tripping balls
so yes I do believe he did.
Come on, get him.
Billy-Bob.
No, no.
I don't even taste good.
That's not true.
Wow, powerful swing
you have there.
If this is about what happened with
your old lady, then uh,
Darlene was the
one throwing bait.
I just bit.
Bitch just tried to take a chunk out of me.
Girl! Are those fangs?
Was Fatboy rocking
those the whole time?
Ew, these vampires
are nothing like the Cullens.
Sweetie, vampires are not real.
Neither are these, but it doesn't
mean I don't have titties.
There's nothing there.
Did you just say motherfucking vampires?
I never liked that jerk.
Made damn sure we're stuck here like sitting ducks.
Then we just have
to walk that duck.
Bella, honey, no,
no, no, no, no, come over here.
Sit down.
Ain't vampires
supposed to be sexy.
Whoa, the hell you
think you're doing?
He's one of them.
Might as well end it now.
Hell no.
There ain't no such
thing as vampires.
Fatboy just needs
to sleep it off.
Considering two of them just turned to dust,
Buffy's looking real
credible right now.
Whoa, whoa.
Just can't kill him.
I know he's a friend.
He owes me money.
Oh.
Well, I ain't gonna wait around
until he attacks us again.
- Kill him.
- Wait!
Motherf...
We don't know shit
about what's going on.
He could wake up normal.
No.
Nuh uh.
I have an idea.
Sleep it off, Fatboy.
Thanks for the help, Dusty.
Uh, I don't wanna say
I told you so, but.
Bitch, you didn't say nothing about vampires.
Uh, well I did say
they were out for blood.
Hey, get your pale ass
off our campy van!
Yeah.
Line's still down.
No service.
What kind of idiot opens up a bar
in the middle of nowhere?
Uh, my great granddad, Joe, he had a vision
when he opened up The Bold Buck.
It was rhetorical!
I say we teach these
cocksuckers a thing or two.
You're gonna teach me what now?
Hang on, hang on.
We can't just go killin' 'em.
We know these people.
They just got Coach
Hank and his wife.
Marla?
Goddamn, she was hot.
I've been working my moves
trying to score with her since high school.
Despite her being out of your
league and off the market.
Classic cis-dude audacity.
I ain't a sissy.
Fuck this!
I'm gonna go find the son of a bitch what bit Fatboy.
Any of them other
leeches get in my way.
I'm gonna take him out too...
Travis! Travis!
We gotta be smart
about this, man.
Get out of my way, Dusty.
Dusty's right, we need a plan.
Like it or not, we're
in this together.
I ain't in anything with you.
How do I know this
ain't your fault?
Our fault your backward ass town
is full of twilight rejects?!
We let the trannies in town suddenly it's
Transylvania out there!
Nobody else find that a little bit suspicious.
We may be creatures
of the night,
but blood ain't what we're looking to suck.
I don't know what's
going on, but what I do know is
we have a better chance if we stick together.
She's right.
I like you as much as I
enjoy a gender reveal party,
but we don't need
to be best friends,
tonight we're batting
for the same team.
Meaning you all like
the ladies right?
No! Well, yes. That's not what I mean right now.
Later, Sheila.
- Okay.
I'm saying, quit
making enemies in here.
Focus on the real threat.
Oh, I am focused
on the real threat.
Would you just shut
your mouth, Travis?
Travis, put the damn gun away.
What the hell's
wrong with y'all?
Am I the only sane one here?
There are motherfuckin'
vampires out there.
Oh, so now there's vampires?
Open the damn door, Dusty.
Come on, y'all.
This is for Fatboy!
Oh my God, the bullets,
they aren't working.
They're completely outmatched.
Holy shit, that vampire just
threw a motorcycle like I throw shade.
Oh, that dude just
got decapitated.
In slow motion?
Oh sweet baby Jesus!
It's a bloodbath!
Is that vampire popping a
wheelie on a motorcycle?
They just blew up that truck!
You'd need a huge ass budget to adapt
this story cos this shit is insane!
Out the way, out the way!
Close the door, close the door!
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
I can not die tonight, I'm wearing
my laundry day drawers.
Goddamn, I almost had them.
If that was your almost, I'd hate to see your not even close.
Dusty, we need to board up all the windows
and doors in this place until dawn clears them out.
Who's Dawn and why can't she clear them out now?
Earl, grab the back door.
- Yeah.
Ain't the sort of suckers I thought
I'd be dealing with tonight.
So, what do we know
about vampires?
Well, if we're going by
Interview with the Vampire rules,
we should offer them a goblet of our blood
and hope they turn us into their immortal companions.
But, if we're in
a Blade scenario,
we should stock up on. UV lamps and katanas.
Oh, but if they're
like Twilight vamps,
we should just act all mysterious
and emotionally unavailable.
Yes, it's definitely Twilight.
Those movies are based on books,
so you know real research was done.
I think we need to
cast a wider net.
Isn't there something
about garlic?
Crosses.
Don't they hate crosses?
Oh, what about holy water?
Isn't there some sort of rule that
they can't come inside unless they're invited?
Well, at least
vampires have consent 101 down,
which is more than I could say about most guys.
So, we just don't
invite them inside.
Seems simple enough.
- Yeah, that ain't gonna work.
What?
It's not like I bought it
expectin' vampires to show up.
And not a single one looks like Jason Patric.
Speaking of Lost Boys, reckon they can fly?
No silly, they jump real high.
That's why they're
so good at baseball.
Can't they turn into bats?
Like in that foot fetish movie?
From Dusk Till Dawn.
Mama, if we get these suckers
away from the parking lot
and make a beeline for campy van,
we can get the hell out of here.
Honey, I think that everyone would
prefer the vampires to get out of the parking lot.
If we let the locals create some sort of
distraction, we could make a run for it.
Bitch, our tires are slashed.
Campy can still take us a fair distance away.
We need to try!
It's too dangerous, Olive.
Safety in numbers.
Most of the motherfuckers in here would
rather see us dead!
Girl! I can't be arguing
with you right now.
I need you on my team.
Hello?
Anyone there?
Christ, Travis! You gave me a damn heart attack!
How's the back door?
As good as it's gonna get.
Earl, the rainbow parade
outnumber us out there now.
I don't trust them.
- They ain't a threat, Travis.
All I'm saying is, they're gonna be
looking out for their own.
We got to do the same.
Comprend?
Yeah?
Uh-huh.
Holy shit.
Bowling alley.
There's a bowling alley here?
Yeah, in the basement.
It ain't been operational for
a number of years
on account of my dad skimping on the levelers.
You can bowl straight as a country mile,
the balls always swing to the left.
Sounds familiar.
I just wanted a yes or no, man, that's all.
Is this gonna be
a problem for us?
Well, it only has
a broken window.
- I said I'll get to it...
- Two years, Earl.
Two years.
We should split up,
cover more ground.
And there's the
catchphrase heard
before ever gruesome horror movie death.
Unfortunately, he's right.
We know that stabbing them
through the heart kills them.
We need weapons.
Grab whatever you can.
I'm talking about pool cues,
broken bottles, kitchen knives.
I am a weapon.
If it's sharp, it's a weapon.
Huh, that rules you out then.
Garlic bread.
Oh babies, Mama loves you.
But she's too old to be running around in pumps.
Alright, y'all. We need a team station
here, in the back, and in the basement.
Shit!
Ooh damn!
Fucknut!
Yeah, I'll probably
just stay here.
Keep them at bay.
If I was more confident in my status as a final girl,
I'd venture into the basement,
but I'm black, so...
I'll take the back door.
I'll go with you.
I'll take the basement.
Earl.
Yeah?
You go with the Scarlet, Pimpernel
and Captain Poof.
Chuck, Marv, you're with me.
We'll go with you.
Thanks.
Don't thank me. It ain't
about helping ya.
I just don't trust ya.
Just when I thought
we were bonding.
Oh no.
Olive.
Yeah, what's up, Mama?
I need you to take the kids in the back and watch them.
They'll never survive out here.
Me?
Mm-hmm.
Don't be Mary Poppinsin' your
Lara Croft. I'm your best fighter.
I know, that's
why they need you.
Now you take that beautiful rack
Tomb Raider, go watch the kids, okay?
Goddamn.
And remember, aim for the heart.
Y'all,
y'all go ahead now.
I've got the home base covered.
Ooh, get in here and pick out an outfit, babe.
Okay, I'll pick one for you, you pick one for me.
Okay, let's see.
How much leg are
you willing to show?
Like a gorgeous half calf?
I was thinking,
this is more sassy, but this is more bondage.
Do you go Buffy or Blade?
I'd say Wesley
Snipes all the way.
That one.
Oh my gosh, have you ever unhooked a bra before?
Um, kind of.
Bitch, what are you doing?
Wardrobe change, girl.
We don't have time for that.
Bitch, we're stepping
into a new act
and I'll be damned if I go out
pulling a Bianca Del Rio.
She means wearing the same look.
Bitch, I know what she means.
Oh, okay, bitch.
Look!
It's just your size and it will
look so cute on you.
Broken window's over here.
Get whatever you can find and board it up.
Marv.
Here.
Marv!
You fellas got this?
Protect that with your lives.
Oh shit, they just got Cash Jr.
I wonder how that works.
Do vampires still grow fangs
if they ain't got no teeth to begin with?
Oh my God!
You really should
barricade this.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I look so good.
I've never looked so fricking good in my life.
You paint like a
god, you're amazing.
Oh my gosh, stop it.
Should we do lashes next?
Yes queen.
You two stay put.
Where are you going?
To get campy van.
There's no suckers outside and
I've got a shot.
But Mama said we should...
Mama isn't always right.
Maybe she should have worn something less conspicuous.
Something less shiny.
Oh honey, if you're
not turning heads, you're not doing it right.
I don't think that applies
in this situation. - Right.
Hey, mine.
Come on campy, come on.
Come on!
Fuck.
You're not invited inside.
Darlin',
You can't keep me out of
the car with that no invitation rule.
Bitch, this is a mobile home!
It has a bed, kitchenette,
and a damn pot I piss in.
Bye bye now.
Where's that fucking
sucker going now?
Marv!
Chuck, shoot her!
Chuck!
Marla?
Honey?
You still look great, Marla.
Marla, now, now listen...
Marla.
Marla.
Oh, I, I got
vampire in my mouth.
I'm okay.
Thanks.
Yeah, no problem.
Well, what we
gonna do about him?
Girl you are fierce.
This is looking
really, really good.
Oh my God look at this one.
Here, maybe try
tucking this in a bit.
Unhook that bra, bitch.
Here's the one.
What are you doing?
Yeah, oh my God,
we're gonna slay.
We look good!
We look so frickin' good!
Ooh, camouflage.
Why glitter?
If we sparkle, the vampires will think
we're one of their own.
Yes, we could be
the sneak attack.
Now, glitter is a commitment.
It's the herpes
of the drag world.
Hmm, good point.
What else you got?
Bitch run!
Run faster, run faster!
Bondage was a bad idea, girl.
I really enjoyed the show.
Well, what we got to see of it.
The um, the lighting
was incredible.
Did you design that?
Yeah, but I'm just back up.
The other girls
are the real stars.
Oh, well, stars are just rocks
floating through space without their light.
Feels kinda inappropriate
to be this turned on right now.
Well, maybe imminent death
is the ultimate aphrodisiac?
Get off him!
Steven!
Oh my God!
These vampires.
I think they're celiac.
I think, I think maybe it's probably more the garlic.
Oh, okay.
Earl, honey, you okay?
I'm fine.
Bitch, who's there?
Holy shit, holy shit!
Bitch, if you put a dent in campy, I swear
I will kill your sorry pale ass!
But, to be clear, Imma kill you
either way, but I'll be way more pissed off!
Hey!
Ain't that your delivery guy?
Oh that's him.
He's fired.
Yeah.
You hear that Rufus, you're fired!
Dusty, do you mind?
Oh, sure.
See, I missed out on wing night
tonight because of this jerk.
So here I am, eating damn bar nuts for my supper
like I ain't got no damn self respect...
Goddamn, what the hell was that?
I just really wanted wings tonight, Dusty.
You really ought to finish
barricading this window.
Yip.
Oh my God! That was so badass.
Why did nobody see that?
Why didn't..?
Ew.
- Is everyone okay?
- No!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just,
I'm just hangry.
Yo, everyone, you won't believe the kill I just had.
I was like, fork you!
- Where's Bella?
- She's not here?
Which one's Bella?
No!
Mama,
Mama, I don't think I'm gonna make the next number.
Shh, shh, shh.
It's okay, it's okay.
Bella?
Bella!
Bella!
Somebody!
Help!
Shit!
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
Well, she's not in the back.
No!
Oh, thank God you're here.
- Where's Bella?
- Where were you?
Oh, Bella!
Bella!
Where were you?
Mama, I was just trying to get campy.
I was trying to get us all out of here...
You left her.
It was safe.
There were no fucking
leeches around, right?
Right?!
One of them jumped through the window
we had to run, I'm sorry.
You're not the one that needs to apologize.
You're not saying
this is my fault.
No, she's not saying that.
I asked you to stay with her.
You fight me at every turn, but this,
this was not the fight to pick.
If you didn't leave her, she'd still be with us.
She'd still be here, if you listened to me.
I was trying to get us out.
I was right!
Bitch again!? Everything
always revolves around you!
Me?
If it was all about me,
I'd be back in the city getting my
fucking salad tossed by now.
I was trying to get us out, but who cares?
Because Mama Sue Flay always has the
final say, right!?
You should have been with her.
You're right, it's
just as much my fault.
No, the ones to blame
are the blood suckers outside.
We can still win this.
We know their weakness, garlic.
Dusty, give us
everything you've got.
The kitchen's completely empty.
There's nothing in there.
Jeez Dusty, you ever heard of an inventory?
Well, we'll figure
something else out,
but we can't let
this tear us apart.
She's doing a fine job of that on her own.
And you?
We wouldn't even be in this shit hole if it
wasn't for you, fucking up the booking again!
Yep, big fucking surprise.
We were never
supposed to be here.
Why the fuck would we ever pick this dive?
This is by far, the worst shit hole I have ever been through.
And I know what I'm talking about,
because I've performed in
every shit hole in New Jersey.
And why the fuck
y'all haven't left,
I have no fucking clue.
Someone's gotta stick around.
Otherwise who
makes a difference?
Make a difference?
To who?
You'll end up
exhausted and beaten.
Pricks like him have an endless supply of hate.
You'll never escape it.
Maybe, but hatred is more
exhausting than hope.
We should've left when I said.
- Olive, we have to stay...
- No, bitch!
I'm listening to no one
but myself from now on.
Let her be.
Hey.
Hey.
You know I told you, my
day manager, Mindy, she booked you.
Mm-hmm.
She didn't book you.
I did.
I had my suspicions.
You did?
Sweetie, you were ogling our gowns, like
a lesbian at a Subaru dealership.
I have no idea what that means, but,
I guess, given the context, I wasn't
exactly being subtle.
You do know you can
like drag, right?
It's ok, even straight men do.
Don't make you
any less of a man.
I know.
I used to do it.
Hmm?
Drag.
Really?
What was your stage name?
It was between the ages of five and eight,
so I never really
settled on one.
What made you stop?
My old man,
he found me and his belt buckle
left a rather painful reminder
never to tread that path again.
Um,
I'm sorry about your friend.
He seemed, uh, she
seemed nice, so.
Sorry about your loss, too.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, hell yeah.
Hey, Travis, you out there?
You can let me out, buddy.
I'm feeling better.
Travis?
Let me out!
I mess up a lot.
You can't blame yourself for what happened.
I'm not saying it for a pity party.
It's just sometimes I just feel like I don't
have control over my own damn mind.
It's like a new idea struts on the stage,
and everything else
just gets pushed to the wings.
Not a lot of people get to
see the world the way that you do.
It's what makes you, you.
And,
I'm a big fan.
Wow, that was cheesy.
It's okay, I like cheese.
Blue, stilton, cheddar.
I'll even take a questionable
gas station string cheese.
Incoming!
What?
Shit.
Rufus is building a
whole army out there.
I don't think we can take him.
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God,
this couldn't get any worse.
Let's do this!
Oh no, college jocks.
The clientele here just gets better and better, right?
Hey.
With all that unchecked testosterone running
around, we're definitely gonna need a plan B.
What!? There was a plan A?
We can take him.
I found another fork.
We're gonna die.
Hey now, we've got this.
We faced these vampires before
and we're still standing, right?
This lot ain't got a...
What do we want?
Blood! Blood! Blood!
Blood! Blood! Blood!
Oh I'm having flashbacks.
I think I'm about to be thrown into a locker.
Was there a pep
talk there coach?
Well, they're out there and we're in here.
We just gotta keep it that way.
Fatboy!
Buddy? Feeling any better?
Oh shit!
I feel great.
I'm out of fucking ammo!
Steven!
You fucking blind!?
What the hell is that gonna do?
Fatboy is gluten intolerant!
Oh fuck!
That's why it's a minimum of six inches for me, bitch.
Oh, hey ladies.
Oh my God, I
thought we lost you.
Sorry, Mama.
You know I love to make a dramatic entrance.
I'm fucking ravenous right now.
You all smell
amazing, by the way.
- What are you doing?
- What's happening?
It's a lovely moment.
I really hate to break it up, but I...
She's one of them.
No, you asshole!
Stand down, Travis.
Who you telling to stand down?
There's a motherfucking
vampire four feet from us, Dusty.
Don't make me go through ya.
You're gonna have to.
Bella, you won't bite us, right?
Not unless you ask.
Why is that?
Sweetie, you just said
you're hungry and that we smell good.
Honey, these vampires,
which you're now one of,
they've been trying to kill us
all night, or turn us.
So...
You think I'm gonna do that?
I fucking know
you're gonna do that.
You don't even know me.
Well, why don't you tell us
how you're different to all the others?
Bitch, I don't know.
I've literally been doing this for like a second.
My guess is that the other
vampires don't give a fuck about anyone else.
Those are my friends out there..
were my friends.
Fuck, I don't know.
Listen, this thirst
is fucking intense.
Like I can hear your arteries pumping so
fucking loud and they're telling me,
"Bella, come take a sip. I know you want to."
But I won't.
I can control myself.
She's right.
The hunger's a real thing.
But you'd be surprised rat la carte ain't half bad.
So you had some ratatouille.
- Not now!
- Oh fuck!
See, just because we're undead
or whatever doesn't mean we're evil.
Do I want blood?
Yes!
Do I want dick? Also yes.
But both dishes are best served the same way.
With consent, bitch.
I'm so happy you're back.
Wait, you're saying we got two
motherfucking vampires with us in here now?
Yeah.
Think about it this way,
we have two vampires
on our side now.
Fuck!
Hey y'all.
Sheila, you as well? When?
Sheila, how's our
barricade coming along?
Uh huh.
Why didn't you say anything?
Well, I mean, I
want to stay alive.
Undead.
And you all would
have judged me now.
Just Travis.
Scared to reveal your truth
for judgment and the fear of death?
Can't relate.
Travis, she's been a vampire this
whole time and hasn't attacked us.
We're safe.
You telling me that my blood ain't appetizing as fuck to all y'all leeches?
Look here.
I mean, you all smell fucking great.
But so do Krispy Kremes.
Yet somehow I
managed keto twice.
So...
The way I see it,
if you're an asshole human,
you're an asshole vampire.
Yes, bitch.
Not to lower the
stakes or anything,
but ah, worst case scenario
we become good vampires?
Yeah, so the guys out there
feeling pretty embarrassed about their performance earlier,
to overcompensate their new plan is to just straight
up kill us all.
Sweetie, how'd you know that?
I can hear 'em chatting outside.
Y'all must be hungry.
Don't turn 'em,
just rip 'em apart 'n feast.
So she has supernatural power.
No, Bella's right.
They ain't planning any more transformations.
Just straight up.
We have a fighting chance now.
We're all on the same side.
Prepare the stakes.
Remember, bigger really is better.
Sorry, it was just
sitting there.
Honey, don't apologize.
Though I might say this is not the appropriate
time to try a new look.
New act, new look, bitches.
Bitch, been undead
for two minutes.
I was just being silly.
I was just thinking, ya know,
probably the only chance I'll ever get before...
Before we die?
Mama,
he needs this.
Alright, sit.
Go on, sit down.
- Come on.
Might I suggest a Cherry Pop to go
with that gorgeous mug?
And what about this?
Make those killer cheekbones center stage, bitch.
We're gonna make
you look beautiful.
- Hey, Mama.
- Uh-huh.
- Where's Olive?
She left. We got into a fight.
About what?
Same as always, we're both
two stubborn divas.
It's like two power
bottoms dating.
Sure, you know it's a struggle, but you'll come
together in the end.
Not this time.
Dusty?
I usually don't do this,
but I'm gagging.
Damn! Maybe we can use those cheekbones as a weapon.
Wow, you look amazing.
Ain't that a slap in the face.
You scrub up better than I do.
Jeez Dusty.
You got pronouns
now or something?
Everyone does, darlin'.
Not me.
Oh shit, what was that?
I am in no mood to fuck around.
You wanna dance? Let's dance.
Open the door!
Might as well go out in style.
Curtains up, bitches.
Do I have time to pee?
No, Sheila.
I'd be pissed too.
Facing immortality
with that mug.
Fuck!
Crucifixes don't work.
Oh, the church lied?
So unlike them!
Fuck face!
You want me to beg?
Run?
Fuck you!
You think you're the first bloodsucker I've
had to deal with?
Bitch! You need a fucking mint.
This is some bullshit.
Jax!
Earl!
No!
Fuck you!
Ah,
- Travis.
- Yeah?
You...
Oh, fuck's sake, Sheila.
Mama!
Sheila!
No!
You're not turning into dust.
No.
Fucker got me in the tittie!
Oh...
Shit is that? That's nasty.
Yeah.
Dusty, watch out!
Mama!
Killing you lot.
Now that's my kinda show.
Your main event's right here.
Bitch.
Olive, run!
Listen, Mama. I know this is
terrible timing to say this after
arguing about my inability to follow orders.
But no.
Garlic water, bitches!
Kill it! Kill it!
Where you going?
Show's not over.
Damn, he stank.
Wait, wait, wait.
Did we win?
We won!?
The black one survived!
The black one survived!
Mama, I'm really sorry,
I never should have...
What don't we do?
We don't should on ourselves.
Oh! I missed you.
Guys, I can't believe
I was knocked out.
I wanted to be a final girl.
Bella, you're alive!
Well, alive or undead?
Semantics.
Hold on, are you a...
Glampire, yes, bitch.
We'll explain later.
Seriously?
Bitch,
you're a new drag queen
and you look this
motherfucking good!
- Head to toe.
- Yeah you did, girl, you did!
If you ever need help with your first number,
you'd have one hell
of a choreographer.
Wait, you want me to handle our routines?
Mama, I'm honored
to be led by you.
And every good leader recognizes potential.
Look, I don't think we should draw this
goodbye out too long or anything.
And I ain't sayin'
I'm gay or nothin',
but y'all are alright
in my book, so.
Why would saying
that make you gay?
I'm sayin' I ain't gay!
Jax!
Goddamn it.
- No, no, no, no, no!
- I'm melting!
Oh fuck!
Melting!
How many times this
bitch gon' die?!
Holy shit.
- Was Twilight right?
- No, bitch, I put glitter foundation on earlier.
Fuck my life.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
We can go out in the sun?
This means I don't have to miss bikini season?
I'm gonna have to
get me a new tittie.
Yeah.
She's good to go.
It'll make it to the next service station.
She could use a good once over.
So could I!
We'll be back this
way in a few weeks.
Perhaps we can meet up then?
I'm definitely up for that.
You'll be up all right.
Mama!
This has been the
best day of my life.
I'm gonna miss you, Jax.
Okay.
No, bitch. Keep it.
- Really?
- Of course.
Now get out, I
need some me time.
Thank you.
Whoa! What the fuck, Sheila!?
You got, you got a little...
I was hungry, but I'm feelin' a lot better now.
Sheila, whose blood is that?
I don't know, it's one of the dead guys in there.
But I've got me some takeout.
But you know what they say?
Waste not, want not.
You're doing your bit for the environment.
Yeah, I really like
that for you, Sheila.
Yeah, always.
Thank you for everything.
You gonna be all right?
Oh yeah, I got such
big dreams for this place.
By big, you mean an alphabet mafia
queer dream, right?
Yeah, queer.
So queer, my old man,
would turn in his grave.
Bitch, don't be talking
about no damn zombies.
I am done with the undead.
Be sure to give us a call
when you're all set up.
We'd be honored to perform
on your stage any day.
Seat belts on ladies, we got some time to make up.
No sucker's ever taken us off schedule
before and they ain't about to now.
The show must go on.
Robin, get us out of here.
Fuck, dang it.
Alright.
Who the fuck's doing that?
The hell?
Yeah!
Gotcha!
Son of a bitch.
Robin, look out!
What the hell was that?
Oh, my God, was that a person?
Robin!
That wasn't no person.
Just some rabid animal.
Who let your pussy
out of its cage?
So, last night's audience really liked
our number after intermission,
so I think I'm gonna move it up.
We should swap
Bella's solo for mine.
No, no, we still need an upbeat number
right before the reading.
Okay, then I'll close it.
Girl, this is not
the Olive Wood Show.
Will you quit pitching this?
Robin, as our manager,
you want a killer show, right?
Perhaps we can tackle this exciting idea tomorrow?
Or,
we vote on it.
Bella!
Yeah?
Should I close the show?
Yes, bitch!
You always slay.
See? Two to one.
We're not making
any major changes.
Oh, okay. So, fuck my ideas.
Look here!
Half of these ideas are yours!
And you want to know why?
Because I take suggestions like I suck dick.
If it's good, I'll swallow.
I've seen her do it.
Yes, diva. Listen
to your mother.
Bitch, you just agreed with me!
About what?
About me closing.
Well, whatever Mama wants.
Not you taking the
word drag literally.
So, Mama...
Uh-huh.
Y'all been at it a lot recently.
Any issues I need
to be worried about?
Girl, there's no issues.
She's just cranky is all.
We're all exhausted
and being broke ass
poor ain't helping.
Well, luckily tonight's not just a generous paycheck.
It's also at a legendary venue.
I don't know how you
pulled this one off.
We're here.
Wait, wait, Robin, stop!
The Bold Buck?
Yeah, you girls excited?
Please tell me you're joking?
What?
We've been looking forward to this gig for ages.
Robin, sweetie,
we've been looking forward
to performing at The Bold Tuck.
Not this dive for
Sons of Anarchy rejects.
Bitch, you booked
the wrong venue!
Watch your mouth.
But she's right, sweetie.
You booked the wrong venue.
Oh fudge, not again.
Oh my God, I have zero bars!
Yay, we're here.
Ooh, check out the trade.
Plaid on plaid on
plaid, yes cowboy!
It's giving authentic,
Blake Shelton realness.
Well, looky here.
Looks like the carnival freak show's in town.
You lady boys lost or summin'?
No, no, we're good.
You need help turning
your asses around or what?
This ass has been
turned, lifted, and dropped
more times than a Broadway curtain.
If it was gonna have
any more work done,
it wouldn't be by you.
Your makeup and fairy glitter
ain't fooling nobody, fellas.
Bitch, neither is
that flashy exhaust
on that entry level hog.
Shut the fuck up, Fatboy.
Evening.
Hello, yes, I'm Robin Banks.
We spoke over email.
Uh, we did?
We're performing tonight.
Y'all a band or summin'?
We're drag queens, sweetie.
Y'all are in the wrong place.
I wish we were.
This some kinda joke, Dusty?
Yeah uh, Mindy must
have booked it.
Oh, fabulous.
May we speak with Mindy?
She works day shift.
The person who booked us is not even here?
Yeah, looks that way.
Perfect, let's just get the hell outta here.
No, no, no, no,
no, no, don't go.
Look, you were booked
fair and square.
And I've got no other
show lined up, so
welcome to The Buck.
One moment, please.
Group meeting, group meeting.
Do you see all the
daddies in here?
I see why this place
is so legendary.
Bitch, we're in the wrong place.
We're not staying.
The crowd looks like
they're out for blood.
The money we make here wouldn't
even cover our medical expenses.
Okay, all right.
Bella? Robin?
I'm with you, Mama.
I'm sorry, ladies, this is
my fault, I should've...
Uh, uh, uh, what don't we do?
We don't should on ourselves.
Exactly.
Alright, let's go.
Oh my God, it's them.
Be cool, be cool.
We are so excited to
watch you perform tonight.
I'm not even a little embarrassed to admit
it's been the most exciting thing on my schedule for weeks.
Well, I'm sorry to break it
to you, but unfortunately...
Unfortunately, we
are running behind.
Oh, don't worry about that.
It's not like we've been waiting..
Uh.. I don't know,
our entire lives for
this town to throw a drag show.
Bitch, we got you.
Well, we better
go get our seats.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
This doesn't change anything.
Olive Wood.
I have to tell you,
I loved your performance at Ride the Saddle Drag.
You should've won, by the way. Hands down.
Oh my God, right?
Yeah, Carrie On
can't read for shit.
Bitch, thank you.
This is like a dream come true.
Nothing good ever happens
in this shit hole town,
but, here you are.
Reminds you why
we do this, right?
Argh, shit.
I did not sign up to break
little queer hearts.
Come on then.
Y'all know it takes me
at least an hour to beat my face.
Ain't that the tea.
This is your room for tonight.
Dusty, was it?
Yeah.
I'm detecting notes of
stale beer and sweat.
My guess is piss.
Oh honey, we've
got a fix for that.
Oh, wait.
These uh, these sprinklers
are ancient 'n super touchy.
You can't even make smokin' old fashioneds anymore.
Yeah, the show is in an hour.
Tucking tape.
Want me to show
you how it works?
It'll cost you extra.
You can close it.
Yeah.
Squeal like a pig,
squeal like a pig.
They were all going crazy and
crying all sorts of things.
We've been dating
for about two years
and she turns to me one day
and says, you
know, I don't think
that was such a hot idea.
Well, fuck it, let's
get a drink in the bar.
Mama, look how thick
I look, girl, look at it.
Girl, those craters are
what killed the dinosaurs.
You right, all this ass-teroid, it sure did.
Ass-destroyed.
Whoo!
You can call her planet killer.
Alright ladies.
-Yeah.
Let's show these people what they've been missing.
Now, Imma go get those
lighting cues together.
Get it girl.
Ugh, dammit,
I can't find my pins.
Mama, your LaBeija
pin? I couldn't!
Yes you could,
cause we only have
10 minutes till curtain call.
Okay, so for the opener, I
was thinking after the wrist tap
that I step into a jazz split?
Yes, I love that.
No last minute changes to the choreography.
I'm just embellishing it.
So it would be,
turn, turn, pas de bourre,
wrist tap and... I split!
No, I split.
You stay the same, okay?
Okay...?
No tweaks, it'll
upset the balance.
Y'all doing the
same thing anyway,
it's only a tweak for me.
Which has a ripple effect on the whole team.
You mean Bella?
She's got it, right Bella?
Yes girl!
No more pas de bourre.
No! Oh my God, you're gonna
do the same thing.
Listen, let me show
you how it is, okay?
Here we go...
- Girl!
No changes, keep it as tight
as our tucks, understood?
Goddamn it Earl, how many times
must I tell you this ain't
no chaise lounge?
This is our talent for tonight.
Now, she'll guide you through
the cues and stuff,
just make it, you know?
This a stripper act?
Well, there will be
generous servings of cake.
Now, we need a warm front
wash for the opening number
with lekos for dramatic punches,
and keep the fresnels soft.
Mama says it creates
an intimate atmosphere,
but it's actually for softening
that five o'clock shadow.
Uh, I got a spotlight,
uh, it moves if you push it.
I see.
We've got some work to do.
Sweet baby Jesus,
I mean, just what
the hell can I eat Dusty?
Like I told you
the delivery's late, kitchen's closed.
Grab some bar nuts
till Rufus comes.
Your stinking nuts.
Hey, that's for everyone.
Place sure as hell's
going to shit.
Your old man would be turning in
his grave if he saw this Dusty.
Yeah, soon you'll have a big ass
rainbow flag behind the bar.
Look, if y'all don't want to stay
for a performance you can leave, fellas.
You keep staring like that,
she gonna pull out
the bear spray.
No idea what you're
talking about.
Mm-hmm.
Earl, try that.
Ooh, give me the gobos, give me the gobos.
Gobos.
Earl, you keep impressing me like this,
we might have to kidnap you for our next tour.
Alright, let's cue up
the opening performance.
Theydies and gentlethems.
Straight from their global tour
of several nearby towns.
Welcome to the stage
your queens!
There's some whores
in this house
There's some whores
in this house
There's some whores
in this house
I said certified freak,
seven days a week
Wet ass pussy,
make that pullout game weak
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, you fucking
with some wet ass pussy
Bring a bucket and a mop
for this wet ass pussy
Give me everything you got
for this wet ass pussy
Beat it up, baby,
catch a charge
Extra large, and extra hard
Put this pussy
right in yo' face
Swipe your nose
like a credit card
Hop on top, I want a ride
I do a kegel
while it's inside
Spit in my mouth,
look at my eyes
This pussy is wet,
come take a dive
Tie me up like I'm surprised
Let's role-play,
I wear a disguise
I want you to park
that big Mack truck
Right in this little garage
Make it cream,
make me scream
Out in public, make a scene
I don't cook, I don't clean
But let me tell
you, I got this ring
Gobble me, swallow me,
drip down the side of me
Quick, jump out 'fore you
let it get inside of me
I tell him where to put it,
never tell him
where I'm 'bout to be
I run down on him
'fore I have a
running me. Talk yo'
shit, bite your lip
Ask for a car
while you ride that dick
You ain't never gotta
fuck him for a thing
He already made his mind up
'fore he came
Now get your boots
and your coat
for this wet ass pussy
He bought a phone
just for pictures
of this wet ass pussy
Pay my tuition
just to kiss me
on this wet ass pussy
Now make it rain
if you wanna see
some wet ass pussy
Now from the top,
make it drop,
that's some wet ass pussy
- This show come with barf bags?
That's some wet ass pussy
- This show come with barf bags?
That's some wet ass pussy
I'm talking WAP, WAP, WAP
That's some wet ass pussy
Macaroni in a pot
That's some wet
ass pussy, huh
There's some whores
in this house
There's some whores
in this house
There's some whores
in this house
There's some whores
in this house
Yay! Ladies, I mean,
I can barely tiptoe
around a puddle in my crocs
'n here you all are dancin'
in heels higher than my bar tab!
I just, I'm done for it.
Shut up, Sheila.
Well, I bet y'all thought that acronym
stood for something else.
Weapons are permitted.
Well, you'd be right
this pussy is a weapon.
No?
Well, y'all really did
come to a drag show
expecting fastcars
or something.
Well, if it's powerful pistons you're after,
wait till you see
what's under my hood.
You suck.
Well, that I do, but
you ain't my type.
Oh, he ain't anyone's type.
Shut the hell up, Sheila.
You just shut your
mouth, Travis.
Or I'm gonna tell everyone you get
your mama to sew on those little
mean boy patches.
She does not, I do it myself!
Well, we've been looking for a new seamstress,
so if your audition
for the new Easy Rider reboot
doesn't work out for
you, give me a call.
The fuck you say to me?
Oh, I could do this all night, cause Mama
always gets the final say.
This ain't amateur
hour, so sit down.
Leave it up to
the professionals.
Sit down, Travis.
Now that that's out the way
let me tell y'all
a little story.
Me and the girls were
driving to a gig last week...
The hell is your problem, Rufus?
Rufus!
Yer high blood pressure smells.
Damn good.
Rufus, you're late!
Where the hell is my delivery?
One bite and I bet you'll
spray everywhere...
Back the hell up, hillbilly.
What the fuck?
Oh my God.
-Did everyone see that?
Teeth!
Travis!
He fucking...
Put the goddamn gun away!
Rufus, are you drunk?
You had one too many, man.
Dusty!
Ah, fuck!
What the fuck you
think you're doing?!
Get him off me!
What the hell?!
Did y'all see that?
He bit Fatboy.
Who bites a man?!
Goddamn fools.
You come back,
I'll stick my foot
so far up your ass,
your mustache will
scrub my boot clean.
See a goddamn dentist.
We're cool, we're
cool, all good.
Man, I don't know what got into him,
I've never seen Rufus like that.
You good?
That looks nasty Fatboy.
You might wanna have
that checked out.
And for sure a tetanus shot.
Ain't nothin'.
You wanna call it in?
Said it ain't nothin', just
a flesh wound is all.
Alright, leave him alone, he says he's fine.
Quit your clucking.
Okay, we're good,
get some drinks.
Well, should we continue?
You wanna talk
about what happened?
You mean the redneck that
just pulled a chunk out of that guy?
That was some Hills Have Eyes
type of shit right there.
No, I'm talking about
what happened on stage.
I told you no changes.
Are you serious?
You wanna do this now?
Mama, we need to be leaving.
Girl, the locals
threw that creep out.
We are safer in here with them, than
we are out there with him.
I don't think that the
enemy of my enemy is my friend,
really applies in this situation.
Well, I think we
should continue.
Look, we have fans.
Bitch, you only wanna stay cos
you found a sausage to chew on.
You know what?
You can pull my solo
from the set list
if it'll get us out
this shit hole any sooner.
Wow, it's been a while
since I had a man fight over me.
What's your secret?
I haven't had a hickey like that in years.
Ain't a damn joke!
Oh, sweetie.
That must've been a lot
for you to have witnessed.
You doing okay?
- I'm fine.
A real man knows how
to handle a brawl!
Isn't that right, Fatboy?
Urgh.
And how's your head?
My head is fine.
Don't worry about my head.
It's your head I'm worried about.
No matter how we're interpreting
this double entendre,
I am perfect.
Now, to a lady who's never
had any complaints about her head,
theydies and gentlethems,
Bella Da Boys!
I need a playboy,
super smash game boy
Send a dick pic,
then be on his way boy
Nothing like the
chick flicks,
not just some LA boy
Was Olive serious
about cutting her solo?
I don't know what
that girl wants.
You know, she asked to be
here, but she's been fighting
every creative decision since joining this house.
She just has a lot to learn about sisterhood.
It's her first family.
Remember what we were like back in the day?
Bitch, don't go there.
I've done my repentance.
I need a
playboy, super smash game boy
Send a dick pic,
then be on his way boy
Nothing like the
chick flicks,
not just some LA boy
When he hit this bet
the kitty make noise
Need a playboy
Excuse me, boys.
I'll be right back.
Woowhee, proceed with
caution, partner.
I'd give that ten,
if I were you Fatboy.
That could gag a grizzly.
The hell you doing, Fatboy?
Them lady boys turn you soft?
Hey! Hey! Move!
This ain't an eclipse
Fatboy, move your fat ass.
Hey! Bargain-bin Meat Loaf!
Shit!
Oh, you wanna go?
Let's... Okay.
You alright, Fatboy?
Fatboy, you don't
look so good. - Really?
Because I feel great!
Oh, hey Mama. Is it time for
our improv act already?
You smell delicious Travis!
It's time for our get the hell outta here act.
Now we can leave?
- Hey, get off him.
What the fuck Fatboy?!
You're a vegetarian.
Good God almighty!
Outside now!
Inside, now!
Fuck. Shit.
Fuck.
Pull yourself together.
We cool.
Did he actually
just turn to dust?
Well my tucks too tight
for me to be tripping balls
so yes I do believe he did.
Come on, get him.
Billy-Bob.
No, no.
I don't even taste good.
That's not true.
Wow, powerful swing
you have there.
If this is about what happened with
your old lady, then uh,
Darlene was the
one throwing bait.
I just bit.
Bitch just tried to take a chunk out of me.
Girl! Are those fangs?
Was Fatboy rocking
those the whole time?
Ew, these vampires
are nothing like the Cullens.
Sweetie, vampires are not real.
Neither are these, but it doesn't
mean I don't have titties.
There's nothing there.
Did you just say motherfucking vampires?
I never liked that jerk.
Made damn sure we're stuck here like sitting ducks.
Then we just have
to walk that duck.
Bella, honey, no,
no, no, no, no, come over here.
Sit down.
Ain't vampires
supposed to be sexy.
Whoa, the hell you
think you're doing?
He's one of them.
Might as well end it now.
Hell no.
There ain't no such
thing as vampires.
Fatboy just needs
to sleep it off.
Considering two of them just turned to dust,
Buffy's looking real
credible right now.
Whoa, whoa.
Just can't kill him.
I know he's a friend.
He owes me money.
Oh.
Well, I ain't gonna wait around
until he attacks us again.
- Kill him.
- Wait!
Motherf...
We don't know shit
about what's going on.
He could wake up normal.
No.
Nuh uh.
I have an idea.
Sleep it off, Fatboy.
Thanks for the help, Dusty.
Uh, I don't wanna say
I told you so, but.
Bitch, you didn't say nothing about vampires.
Uh, well I did say
they were out for blood.
Hey, get your pale ass
off our campy van!
Yeah.
Line's still down.
No service.
What kind of idiot opens up a bar
in the middle of nowhere?
Uh, my great granddad, Joe, he had a vision
when he opened up The Bold Buck.
It was rhetorical!
I say we teach these
cocksuckers a thing or two.
You're gonna teach me what now?
Hang on, hang on.
We can't just go killin' 'em.
We know these people.
They just got Coach
Hank and his wife.
Marla?
Goddamn, she was hot.
I've been working my moves
trying to score with her since high school.
Despite her being out of your
league and off the market.
Classic cis-dude audacity.
I ain't a sissy.
Fuck this!
I'm gonna go find the son of a bitch what bit Fatboy.
Any of them other
leeches get in my way.
I'm gonna take him out too...
Travis! Travis!
We gotta be smart
about this, man.
Get out of my way, Dusty.
Dusty's right, we need a plan.
Like it or not, we're
in this together.
I ain't in anything with you.
How do I know this
ain't your fault?
Our fault your backward ass town
is full of twilight rejects?!
We let the trannies in town suddenly it's
Transylvania out there!
Nobody else find that a little bit suspicious.
We may be creatures
of the night,
but blood ain't what we're looking to suck.
I don't know what's
going on, but what I do know is
we have a better chance if we stick together.
She's right.
I like you as much as I
enjoy a gender reveal party,
but we don't need
to be best friends,
tonight we're batting
for the same team.
Meaning you all like
the ladies right?
No! Well, yes. That's not what I mean right now.
Later, Sheila.
- Okay.
I'm saying, quit
making enemies in here.
Focus on the real threat.
Oh, I am focused
on the real threat.
Would you just shut
your mouth, Travis?
Travis, put the damn gun away.
What the hell's
wrong with y'all?
Am I the only sane one here?
There are motherfuckin'
vampires out there.
Oh, so now there's vampires?
Open the damn door, Dusty.
Come on, y'all.
This is for Fatboy!
Oh my God, the bullets,
they aren't working.
They're completely outmatched.
Holy shit, that vampire just
threw a motorcycle like I throw shade.
Oh, that dude just
got decapitated.
In slow motion?
Oh sweet baby Jesus!
It's a bloodbath!
Is that vampire popping a
wheelie on a motorcycle?
They just blew up that truck!
You'd need a huge ass budget to adapt
this story cos this shit is insane!
Out the way, out the way!
Close the door, close the door!
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
I can not die tonight, I'm wearing
my laundry day drawers.
Goddamn, I almost had them.
If that was your almost, I'd hate to see your not even close.
Dusty, we need to board up all the windows
and doors in this place until dawn clears them out.
Who's Dawn and why can't she clear them out now?
Earl, grab the back door.
- Yeah.
Ain't the sort of suckers I thought
I'd be dealing with tonight.
So, what do we know
about vampires?
Well, if we're going by
Interview with the Vampire rules,
we should offer them a goblet of our blood
and hope they turn us into their immortal companions.
But, if we're in
a Blade scenario,
we should stock up on. UV lamps and katanas.
Oh, but if they're
like Twilight vamps,
we should just act all mysterious
and emotionally unavailable.
Yes, it's definitely Twilight.
Those movies are based on books,
so you know real research was done.
I think we need to
cast a wider net.
Isn't there something
about garlic?
Crosses.
Don't they hate crosses?
Oh, what about holy water?
Isn't there some sort of rule that
they can't come inside unless they're invited?
Well, at least
vampires have consent 101 down,
which is more than I could say about most guys.
So, we just don't
invite them inside.
Seems simple enough.
- Yeah, that ain't gonna work.
What?
It's not like I bought it
expectin' vampires to show up.
And not a single one looks like Jason Patric.
Speaking of Lost Boys, reckon they can fly?
No silly, they jump real high.
That's why they're
so good at baseball.
Can't they turn into bats?
Like in that foot fetish movie?
From Dusk Till Dawn.
Mama, if we get these suckers
away from the parking lot
and make a beeline for campy van,
we can get the hell out of here.
Honey, I think that everyone would
prefer the vampires to get out of the parking lot.
If we let the locals create some sort of
distraction, we could make a run for it.
Bitch, our tires are slashed.
Campy can still take us a fair distance away.
We need to try!
It's too dangerous, Olive.
Safety in numbers.
Most of the motherfuckers in here would
rather see us dead!
Girl! I can't be arguing
with you right now.
I need you on my team.
Hello?
Anyone there?
Christ, Travis! You gave me a damn heart attack!
How's the back door?
As good as it's gonna get.
Earl, the rainbow parade
outnumber us out there now.
I don't trust them.
- They ain't a threat, Travis.
All I'm saying is, they're gonna be
looking out for their own.
We got to do the same.
Comprend?
Yeah?
Uh-huh.
Holy shit.
Bowling alley.
There's a bowling alley here?
Yeah, in the basement.
It ain't been operational for
a number of years
on account of my dad skimping on the levelers.
You can bowl straight as a country mile,
the balls always swing to the left.
Sounds familiar.
I just wanted a yes or no, man, that's all.
Is this gonna be
a problem for us?
Well, it only has
a broken window.
- I said I'll get to it...
- Two years, Earl.
Two years.
We should split up,
cover more ground.
And there's the
catchphrase heard
before ever gruesome horror movie death.
Unfortunately, he's right.
We know that stabbing them
through the heart kills them.
We need weapons.
Grab whatever you can.
I'm talking about pool cues,
broken bottles, kitchen knives.
I am a weapon.
If it's sharp, it's a weapon.
Huh, that rules you out then.
Garlic bread.
Oh babies, Mama loves you.
But she's too old to be running around in pumps.
Alright, y'all. We need a team station
here, in the back, and in the basement.
Shit!
Ooh damn!
Fucknut!
Yeah, I'll probably
just stay here.
Keep them at bay.
If I was more confident in my status as a final girl,
I'd venture into the basement,
but I'm black, so...
I'll take the back door.
I'll go with you.
I'll take the basement.
Earl.
Yeah?
You go with the Scarlet, Pimpernel
and Captain Poof.
Chuck, Marv, you're with me.
We'll go with you.
Thanks.
Don't thank me. It ain't
about helping ya.
I just don't trust ya.
Just when I thought
we were bonding.
Oh no.
Olive.
Yeah, what's up, Mama?
I need you to take the kids in the back and watch them.
They'll never survive out here.
Me?
Mm-hmm.
Don't be Mary Poppinsin' your
Lara Croft. I'm your best fighter.
I know, that's
why they need you.
Now you take that beautiful rack
Tomb Raider, go watch the kids, okay?
Goddamn.
And remember, aim for the heart.
Y'all,
y'all go ahead now.
I've got the home base covered.
Ooh, get in here and pick out an outfit, babe.
Okay, I'll pick one for you, you pick one for me.
Okay, let's see.
How much leg are
you willing to show?
Like a gorgeous half calf?
I was thinking,
this is more sassy, but this is more bondage.
Do you go Buffy or Blade?
I'd say Wesley
Snipes all the way.
That one.
Oh my gosh, have you ever unhooked a bra before?
Um, kind of.
Bitch, what are you doing?
Wardrobe change, girl.
We don't have time for that.
Bitch, we're stepping
into a new act
and I'll be damned if I go out
pulling a Bianca Del Rio.
She means wearing the same look.
Bitch, I know what she means.
Oh, okay, bitch.
Look!
It's just your size and it will
look so cute on you.
Broken window's over here.
Get whatever you can find and board it up.
Marv.
Here.
Marv!
You fellas got this?
Protect that with your lives.
Oh shit, they just got Cash Jr.
I wonder how that works.
Do vampires still grow fangs
if they ain't got no teeth to begin with?
Oh my God!
You really should
barricade this.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I look so good.
I've never looked so fricking good in my life.
You paint like a
god, you're amazing.
Oh my gosh, stop it.
Should we do lashes next?
Yes queen.
You two stay put.
Where are you going?
To get campy van.
There's no suckers outside and
I've got a shot.
But Mama said we should...
Mama isn't always right.
Maybe she should have worn something less conspicuous.
Something less shiny.
Oh honey, if you're
not turning heads, you're not doing it right.
I don't think that applies
in this situation. - Right.
Hey, mine.
Come on campy, come on.
Come on!
Fuck.
You're not invited inside.
Darlin',
You can't keep me out of
the car with that no invitation rule.
Bitch, this is a mobile home!
It has a bed, kitchenette,
and a damn pot I piss in.
Bye bye now.
Where's that fucking
sucker going now?
Marv!
Chuck, shoot her!
Chuck!
Marla?
Honey?
You still look great, Marla.
Marla, now, now listen...
Marla.
Marla.
Oh, I, I got
vampire in my mouth.
I'm okay.
Thanks.
Yeah, no problem.
Well, what we
gonna do about him?
Girl you are fierce.
This is looking
really, really good.
Oh my God look at this one.
Here, maybe try
tucking this in a bit.
Unhook that bra, bitch.
Here's the one.
What are you doing?
Yeah, oh my God,
we're gonna slay.
We look good!
We look so frickin' good!
Ooh, camouflage.
Why glitter?
If we sparkle, the vampires will think
we're one of their own.
Yes, we could be
the sneak attack.
Now, glitter is a commitment.
It's the herpes
of the drag world.
Hmm, good point.
What else you got?
Bitch run!
Run faster, run faster!
Bondage was a bad idea, girl.
I really enjoyed the show.
Well, what we got to see of it.
The um, the lighting
was incredible.
Did you design that?
Yeah, but I'm just back up.
The other girls
are the real stars.
Oh, well, stars are just rocks
floating through space without their light.
Feels kinda inappropriate
to be this turned on right now.
Well, maybe imminent death
is the ultimate aphrodisiac?
Get off him!
Steven!
Oh my God!
These vampires.
I think they're celiac.
I think, I think maybe it's probably more the garlic.
Oh, okay.
Earl, honey, you okay?
I'm fine.
Bitch, who's there?
Holy shit, holy shit!
Bitch, if you put a dent in campy, I swear
I will kill your sorry pale ass!
But, to be clear, Imma kill you
either way, but I'll be way more pissed off!
Hey!
Ain't that your delivery guy?
Oh that's him.
He's fired.
Yeah.
You hear that Rufus, you're fired!
Dusty, do you mind?
Oh, sure.
See, I missed out on wing night
tonight because of this jerk.
So here I am, eating damn bar nuts for my supper
like I ain't got no damn self respect...
Goddamn, what the hell was that?
I just really wanted wings tonight, Dusty.
You really ought to finish
barricading this window.
Yip.
Oh my God! That was so badass.
Why did nobody see that?
Why didn't..?
Ew.
- Is everyone okay?
- No!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just,
I'm just hangry.
Yo, everyone, you won't believe the kill I just had.
I was like, fork you!
- Where's Bella?
- She's not here?
Which one's Bella?
No!
Mama,
Mama, I don't think I'm gonna make the next number.
Shh, shh, shh.
It's okay, it's okay.
Bella?
Bella!
Bella!
Somebody!
Help!
Shit!
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
Well, she's not in the back.
No!
Oh, thank God you're here.
- Where's Bella?
- Where were you?
Oh, Bella!
Bella!
Where were you?
Mama, I was just trying to get campy.
I was trying to get us all out of here...
You left her.
It was safe.
There were no fucking
leeches around, right?
Right?!
One of them jumped through the window
we had to run, I'm sorry.
You're not the one that needs to apologize.
You're not saying
this is my fault.
No, she's not saying that.
I asked you to stay with her.
You fight me at every turn, but this,
this was not the fight to pick.
If you didn't leave her, she'd still be with us.
She'd still be here, if you listened to me.
I was trying to get us out.
I was right!
Bitch again!? Everything
always revolves around you!
Me?
If it was all about me,
I'd be back in the city getting my
fucking salad tossed by now.
I was trying to get us out, but who cares?
Because Mama Sue Flay always has the
final say, right!?
You should have been with her.
You're right, it's
just as much my fault.
No, the ones to blame
are the blood suckers outside.
We can still win this.
We know their weakness, garlic.
Dusty, give us
everything you've got.
The kitchen's completely empty.
There's nothing in there.
Jeez Dusty, you ever heard of an inventory?
Well, we'll figure
something else out,
but we can't let
this tear us apart.
She's doing a fine job of that on her own.
And you?
We wouldn't even be in this shit hole if it
wasn't for you, fucking up the booking again!
Yep, big fucking surprise.
We were never
supposed to be here.
Why the fuck would we ever pick this dive?
This is by far, the worst shit hole I have ever been through.
And I know what I'm talking about,
because I've performed in
every shit hole in New Jersey.
And why the fuck
y'all haven't left,
I have no fucking clue.
Someone's gotta stick around.
Otherwise who
makes a difference?
Make a difference?
To who?
You'll end up
exhausted and beaten.
Pricks like him have an endless supply of hate.
You'll never escape it.
Maybe, but hatred is more
exhausting than hope.
We should've left when I said.
- Olive, we have to stay...
- No, bitch!
I'm listening to no one
but myself from now on.
Let her be.
Hey.
Hey.
You know I told you, my
day manager, Mindy, she booked you.
Mm-hmm.
She didn't book you.
I did.
I had my suspicions.
You did?
Sweetie, you were ogling our gowns, like
a lesbian at a Subaru dealership.
I have no idea what that means, but,
I guess, given the context, I wasn't
exactly being subtle.
You do know you can
like drag, right?
It's ok, even straight men do.
Don't make you
any less of a man.
I know.
I used to do it.
Hmm?
Drag.
Really?
What was your stage name?
It was between the ages of five and eight,
so I never really
settled on one.
What made you stop?
My old man,
he found me and his belt buckle
left a rather painful reminder
never to tread that path again.
Um,
I'm sorry about your friend.
He seemed, uh, she
seemed nice, so.
Sorry about your loss, too.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, hell yeah.
Hey, Travis, you out there?
You can let me out, buddy.
I'm feeling better.
Travis?
Let me out!
I mess up a lot.
You can't blame yourself for what happened.
I'm not saying it for a pity party.
It's just sometimes I just feel like I don't
have control over my own damn mind.
It's like a new idea struts on the stage,
and everything else
just gets pushed to the wings.
Not a lot of people get to
see the world the way that you do.
It's what makes you, you.
And,
I'm a big fan.
Wow, that was cheesy.
It's okay, I like cheese.
Blue, stilton, cheddar.
I'll even take a questionable
gas station string cheese.
Incoming!
What?
Shit.
Rufus is building a
whole army out there.
I don't think we can take him.
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God,
this couldn't get any worse.
Let's do this!
Oh no, college jocks.
The clientele here just gets better and better, right?
Hey.
With all that unchecked testosterone running
around, we're definitely gonna need a plan B.
What!? There was a plan A?
We can take him.
I found another fork.
We're gonna die.
Hey now, we've got this.
We faced these vampires before
and we're still standing, right?
This lot ain't got a...
What do we want?
Blood! Blood! Blood!
Blood! Blood! Blood!
Oh I'm having flashbacks.
I think I'm about to be thrown into a locker.
Was there a pep
talk there coach?
Well, they're out there and we're in here.
We just gotta keep it that way.
Fatboy!
Buddy? Feeling any better?
Oh shit!
I feel great.
I'm out of fucking ammo!
Steven!
You fucking blind!?
What the hell is that gonna do?
Fatboy is gluten intolerant!
Oh fuck!
That's why it's a minimum of six inches for me, bitch.
Oh, hey ladies.
Oh my God, I
thought we lost you.
Sorry, Mama.
You know I love to make a dramatic entrance.
I'm fucking ravenous right now.
You all smell
amazing, by the way.
- What are you doing?
- What's happening?
It's a lovely moment.
I really hate to break it up, but I...
She's one of them.
No, you asshole!
Stand down, Travis.
Who you telling to stand down?
There's a motherfucking
vampire four feet from us, Dusty.
Don't make me go through ya.
You're gonna have to.
Bella, you won't bite us, right?
Not unless you ask.
Why is that?
Sweetie, you just said
you're hungry and that we smell good.
Honey, these vampires,
which you're now one of,
they've been trying to kill us
all night, or turn us.
So...
You think I'm gonna do that?
I fucking know
you're gonna do that.
You don't even know me.
Well, why don't you tell us
how you're different to all the others?
Bitch, I don't know.
I've literally been doing this for like a second.
My guess is that the other
vampires don't give a fuck about anyone else.
Those are my friends out there..
were my friends.
Fuck, I don't know.
Listen, this thirst
is fucking intense.
Like I can hear your arteries pumping so
fucking loud and they're telling me,
"Bella, come take a sip. I know you want to."
But I won't.
I can control myself.
She's right.
The hunger's a real thing.
But you'd be surprised rat la carte ain't half bad.
So you had some ratatouille.
- Not now!
- Oh fuck!
See, just because we're undead
or whatever doesn't mean we're evil.
Do I want blood?
Yes!
Do I want dick? Also yes.
But both dishes are best served the same way.
With consent, bitch.
I'm so happy you're back.
Wait, you're saying we got two
motherfucking vampires with us in here now?
Yeah.
Think about it this way,
we have two vampires
on our side now.
Fuck!
Hey y'all.
Sheila, you as well? When?
Sheila, how's our
barricade coming along?
Uh huh.
Why didn't you say anything?
Well, I mean, I
want to stay alive.
Undead.
And you all would
have judged me now.
Just Travis.
Scared to reveal your truth
for judgment and the fear of death?
Can't relate.
Travis, she's been a vampire this
whole time and hasn't attacked us.
We're safe.
You telling me that my blood ain't appetizing as fuck to all y'all leeches?
Look here.
I mean, you all smell fucking great.
But so do Krispy Kremes.
Yet somehow I
managed keto twice.
So...
The way I see it,
if you're an asshole human,
you're an asshole vampire.
Yes, bitch.
Not to lower the
stakes or anything,
but ah, worst case scenario
we become good vampires?
Yeah, so the guys out there
feeling pretty embarrassed about their performance earlier,
to overcompensate their new plan is to just straight
up kill us all.
Sweetie, how'd you know that?
I can hear 'em chatting outside.
Y'all must be hungry.
Don't turn 'em,
just rip 'em apart 'n feast.
So she has supernatural power.
No, Bella's right.
They ain't planning any more transformations.
Just straight up.
We have a fighting chance now.
We're all on the same side.
Prepare the stakes.
Remember, bigger really is better.
Sorry, it was just
sitting there.
Honey, don't apologize.
Though I might say this is not the appropriate
time to try a new look.
New act, new look, bitches.
Bitch, been undead
for two minutes.
I was just being silly.
I was just thinking, ya know,
probably the only chance I'll ever get before...
Before we die?
Mama,
he needs this.
Alright, sit.
Go on, sit down.
- Come on.
Might I suggest a Cherry Pop to go
with that gorgeous mug?
And what about this?
Make those killer cheekbones center stage, bitch.
We're gonna make
you look beautiful.
- Hey, Mama.
- Uh-huh.
- Where's Olive?
She left. We got into a fight.
About what?
Same as always, we're both
two stubborn divas.
It's like two power
bottoms dating.
Sure, you know it's a struggle, but you'll come
together in the end.
Not this time.
Dusty?
I usually don't do this,
but I'm gagging.
Damn! Maybe we can use those cheekbones as a weapon.
Wow, you look amazing.
Ain't that a slap in the face.
You scrub up better than I do.
Jeez Dusty.
You got pronouns
now or something?
Everyone does, darlin'.
Not me.
Oh shit, what was that?
I am in no mood to fuck around.
You wanna dance? Let's dance.
Open the door!
Might as well go out in style.
Curtains up, bitches.
Do I have time to pee?
No, Sheila.
I'd be pissed too.
Facing immortality
with that mug.
Fuck!
Crucifixes don't work.
Oh, the church lied?
So unlike them!
Fuck face!
You want me to beg?
Run?
Fuck you!
You think you're the first bloodsucker I've
had to deal with?
Bitch! You need a fucking mint.
This is some bullshit.
Jax!
Earl!
No!
Fuck you!
Ah,
- Travis.
- Yeah?
You...
Oh, fuck's sake, Sheila.
Mama!
Sheila!
No!
You're not turning into dust.
No.
Fucker got me in the tittie!
Oh...
Shit is that? That's nasty.
Yeah.
Dusty, watch out!
Mama!
Killing you lot.
Now that's my kinda show.
Your main event's right here.
Bitch.
Olive, run!
Listen, Mama. I know this is
terrible timing to say this after
arguing about my inability to follow orders.
But no.
Garlic water, bitches!
Kill it! Kill it!
Where you going?
Show's not over.
Damn, he stank.
Wait, wait, wait.
Did we win?
We won!?
The black one survived!
The black one survived!
Mama, I'm really sorry,
I never should have...
What don't we do?
We don't should on ourselves.
Oh! I missed you.
Guys, I can't believe
I was knocked out.
I wanted to be a final girl.
Bella, you're alive!
Well, alive or undead?
Semantics.
Hold on, are you a...
Glampire, yes, bitch.
We'll explain later.
Seriously?
Bitch,
you're a new drag queen
and you look this
motherfucking good!
- Head to toe.
- Yeah you did, girl, you did!
If you ever need help with your first number,
you'd have one hell
of a choreographer.
Wait, you want me to handle our routines?
Mama, I'm honored
to be led by you.
And every good leader recognizes potential.
Look, I don't think we should draw this
goodbye out too long or anything.
And I ain't sayin'
I'm gay or nothin',
but y'all are alright
in my book, so.
Why would saying
that make you gay?
I'm sayin' I ain't gay!
Jax!
Goddamn it.
- No, no, no, no, no!
- I'm melting!
Oh fuck!
Melting!
How many times this
bitch gon' die?!
Holy shit.
- Was Twilight right?
- No, bitch, I put glitter foundation on earlier.
Fuck my life.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
We can go out in the sun?
This means I don't have to miss bikini season?
I'm gonna have to
get me a new tittie.
Yeah.
She's good to go.
It'll make it to the next service station.
She could use a good once over.
So could I!
We'll be back this
way in a few weeks.
Perhaps we can meet up then?
I'm definitely up for that.
You'll be up all right.
Mama!
This has been the
best day of my life.
I'm gonna miss you, Jax.
Okay.
No, bitch. Keep it.
- Really?
- Of course.
Now get out, I
need some me time.
Thank you.
Whoa! What the fuck, Sheila!?
You got, you got a little...
I was hungry, but I'm feelin' a lot better now.
Sheila, whose blood is that?
I don't know, it's one of the dead guys in there.
But I've got me some takeout.
But you know what they say?
Waste not, want not.
You're doing your bit for the environment.
Yeah, I really like
that for you, Sheila.
Yeah, always.
Thank you for everything.
You gonna be all right?
Oh yeah, I got such
big dreams for this place.
By big, you mean an alphabet mafia
queer dream, right?
Yeah, queer.
So queer, my old man,
would turn in his grave.
Bitch, don't be talking
about no damn zombies.
I am done with the undead.
Be sure to give us a call
when you're all set up.
We'd be honored to perform
on your stage any day.
Seat belts on ladies, we got some time to make up.
No sucker's ever taken us off schedule
before and they ain't about to now.
The show must go on.
Robin, get us out of here.