Slay Belles (2018) Movie Script
1
(THUNDERING)
(BATS SQUEAKING)
(EMBERS CRACKLING)
(FIREWORKS BOOMING)
(MYSTICAL MUSIC)
(TECHNO MUSIC)
(COUGHING)
Okay, what the fuck is going
on?
Who are you people?
Why are you covered in blood?
Why do you have my gun?
Why does my neck hurt, who tased
me?
Kris, I fuckin' knew you killed
that kid.
I knew you were crazy like that.
I need answers and I need 'em
now!
Shut the fuck up, sit down and
listen!
(SQUEALING)
Oh, my God, did you see
the look on Santa's face?
I do think we made Santa's
naughty list.
That's because your
guys' outfits are amazing.
SADIE: I should send
this Santa picture to Brian.
No, don't even think about it!
That ass clown hasn't called you
in weeks!
We're so putting these up on
our
fucking website for the world to
see.
Okay, so I got the box,
Dahlia you got the wreath.
What'd you get, Alexi?
I totally chickened out, but
I bought green nail polish.
Boring!
Why are you the enemy of fun?
I should just take all of
your Christmas presents
and return them and wrap
you some coal instead.
You know better than to
mess with me on Christmas.
Oh, wait a sec.
Um, is tomorrow the holiday
you've been talking about
every fucking day since
Thanksgiving?
Sure, tease me and then leave
me.
It's bad enough that I have
to go to work right now.
Work?
Somebody's gotta pay the rent,
unless your dad wants to cover
me?
Well, what if I told
you rent was covered?
And so's your shift.
What?
The only puppies you're gonna
have to worry about today are
these.
You're coming with us on an
adventure.
Alright?
Merry Christmas, bitch!
You're crazy, you know that?
Correction, we're fucking
crazy!
(WHOOPING)
(WHOOSHING)
Hello, devoted fans,
Sadie here and Dahlia.
With our dear friend, Alexi.
Hello!
It's Christmas fucking Eve and
we're
on our way to what might
be the most exciting
urban exploring adventure in
history.
So be sure to log on tomorrow
for the full official video.
And you never know what dirty
things will come your way.
(WHOOSHING)
(TECHNO MUSIC)
Man.
SADIE: There you go.
What is it you guys do
exactly when you're out there?
You're telling me
you've never seen a single
one of the Adventure Girls
videocasts?
I did once, yeah.
Okay, then, which adventure
was it?
Uh, it was um, it was the
factory one.
Abandoned water park?
I know, I'm a terrible friend.
I haven't watched any of them.
What do you guys do?
Well, I know you go break into
weird
places and you film yourselves.
But what is it that urban
explorers actually do?
I mean, we just go to awesome
places,
people don't dare go to.
And film ourselves running
around.
And then there's the
treasures.
Yeah, we collect one keepsake
from each place we explore.
Oh, so it's kind of like, um,
stealing?
It's not stealing if it
doesn't belong to anyone.
These places have been closed
forever.
I hope Santa Land has some
amazing swag!
So, while you guys are doing
all
that awesome stuff, what am I
gonna do?
Have the best fucking
Christmas ever!
Woo!
This is what I have to
do, I have to fucking pee.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Well, it's 12:03, I guess it's
socially acceptable to start
drinking.
Classy joint!
Hi, Merry Christmas!
Oh, fuck Christmas!
Isn't that right, Cherry?
You heard him, girls.
Fuck Christmas!
What?
Christmas is awesome!
(STAMPING)
What'll it be?
(GLASS SHATTERING)
Merry Christmas, bitches!
Oh, shit.
Come on, all this shit you
just
buy into with Christmas, it's
just that.
It's bullshit!
This how you welcome
out-of-towners, Cherry?
Can't be good for business.
You know what?
I think we better just go.
Oh no, you're staying here
now, honey.
Looks like you just made a
friend.
You joining 'em for drinks,
Sean?
I'm on the clock.
Where's Jerry?
For Christ's sake, Jerry!
You've got to be kidding me!
Jerry, you know your parole
officer said no costumes!
What is this?
So what'll it be, girls?
Um, I think I'll have an
eggnog, please.
JERRY: Oh, yeah!
You know what?
I think we're just gonna down
these
and get the hell out of here,
okay?
Man, I didn't touch any
fucking kids!
I know, I know, okay.
They just want me to take
you in for some questioning.
Now, are you gonna cooperate or
are
you gonna give me a hard time?
Hey, he's been drunk
in my bar for two days.
Only gets up to make a
mess in the bathroom.
Some shit's been going down,
so we're asking the usual
suspects.
Pedophiles and such.
I'm right fucking here, man!
Oh, I'm sorry, Jerry.
Sex offenders.
Don't chase him out,
it's my one customer.
That tips!
(BLOWING)
I'm sorry to butt in,
but you said some shit was going
down.
Anything interesting?
Uh, yeah, just some bear
attacks
and some odd things around town.
Ooh, bears, production value?
Honestly, odd isn't the right
word.
Look, I don't mean to
cause an alarm or anything,
but some kids have been
murdered.
SADIE: Oh, my goodness!
Hey, are you a ranger or a
cop?
Well, yeah, I'm no cop,
but uh, I am packing.
Shouldn't you be chasing
forest fires, not felons?
Dahlia, shut up.
Anyway, with everything
going on around town
and it being Christmas and all,
the police station's a little
understaffed
and I know this forest
like the back of my hand.
Sorry, we didn't mean to waste
your time
or ask you all those silly
questions.
No bother, ladies.
I'd rather talk to you
than hunt down bears,
but if you need anything
when you're in town
or see anything suspicious,
don't hesitate to call me.
Ooh, call me!
Shut up!
(LAUGHS)
Okay, but seriously, kids
murdered?
Maybe we should leave.
Oh no, no, no, no, I
missed work for this.
We are going on my first
Adventure Girls mission.
Cheers.
Hey, yes!
That one is on me!
Now, 20 bucks for the rest.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
It's not as Christmassy as I
expected.
Looks creepy, though.
Well, let's get started.
(LAUGHS)
(CREEPY MUSIC)
So you ready for your
first big adventure?
As ready as I'll ever be, yes!
SADIE: Wait, hold up,
soldier!
What?
We're gonna do this, right?
Oh yeah, we're gonna do
this, but you're not ready yet.
Shut up, of course, I am.
I'm gonna have fun, come on!
You're not ready yet, until...
You put on your Christmas
uniform!
Oh, my God!
This is kind of hot looking,
but yeah, okay, okay.
Yeah, it's better than being
an elf.
I think it's cute.
(TECHNO MUSIC)
Yellow?
White and purple?
I like the blue one best.
I think you're right, blue.
Sadie, our little snowflake
is gonna have a meltdown
when she sees what's inside
Santa Land.
(GASPING)
And, what do you think of my hot
elfness?
Tomorrow when you go online to
see
the full length video don't
forget
to check out our pics
and like them if you do.
And, I hope you do.
Later!
Did I get it right this time?
Yeah, you're a natural.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
Maybe I should call Brian and
let him know where we are.
DAHLIA AND ALEXI: No!
It's Christmas Eve, what if he
tries to get in touch with me?
He hasn't called you in
forever.
Why would you call him now?
He doesn't deserve you!
But...
Ho, ho, ho, let's go!
(THUDDING)
Awesome!
Merry fucking Christmas!
Wow.
You know, I thought this place
would be
a lot more old and decrepit
looking for
the amount of years it's been
abandoned.
Don't get me wrong, I
still wanna check it out.
Don't run, you can't outrun
it.
If it's too late to back
away, grab a weapon,
any weapon, to protect yourself.
If without weapons or pepper
spray, curl up and play dead.
Just reading off things to
do in case of a bear attack.
Is that your idea of fun,
trying to scare the crap out of
us?
I am just being the voice of
reason.
Meet my taser, my voice of
reason.
On that note, I think we're
ready.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
Whoo!
Welcome to Santa Land!
(ROCK "JINGLE BELLS" MUSIC)
Cool, the most magical
Christmas Eve land of all.
And the Adventure Girls
are gonna explore it!
Dahlia, go Dahlia!
(GRUNTING)
You're not gonna make it on
heels.
Oh wait, watch out, watch out.
What do I know about Santa
Land?
SADIE: Yeah, tell
me something about it.
Well, it's been closed for 20
years.
I heard kids died here.
The only people that come here
now
are crack heads and meth heads.
Oh, my God, what's this?
Oh, awesome!
I wanna eat this mushroom
and then get twice as big.
Don't let me fall.
Let's go find something else.
Oh, my God, you guys!
(CHATTERING)
Would you like some tea?
(LAUGHING)
Someone's gotta tell her
to stop humping things.
It's not sexy.
(BANGING)
Oh no, I'm a naughty girl!
Don't try this at home.
(TECHNO "NUTCRACKER" MUSIC)
Hello?
Any bears in here?
Werewolves?
Unicorns?
Al Qaeda?
No, but other things live in
the forest like birds and
squirrels.
And bears, child-eating bears.
(BRANCHES CRACKING)
Okay.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(HUMMING)
SADIE: Welcome to candy cane
land!
Don't you feel like we're
being watched?
Are we?
Yeah, I kind of do feel
like I'm being watched.
(BANJO MUSIC)
Is that your new ringtone,
sicko?
- Yes.
- Oh, my God!
We'll see who's laughing when
you're
hog-tied and squealing for my
help.
Ooh, you've gotta problem now!
Stop it, you're gonna
fuck up my makeup, geez!
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
At this point I don't think
it makes any difference.
I found Jerry.
He was getting wasted at
Cherry's just like Sean said.
Neil, what the hell are you
doing?
There is no way in hell that
this guy could have done it!
Now, cut him loose!
Come on, Jerry.
Sorry about this.
Merry Christmas.
Get out of here.
Fuck you, Jerry.
NEIL: See you at poker.
(SIGHS)
BRUCE: What is it?
I was just thinking about the
Bernards.
I mean, seeing her lying there
like that,
in all that blood with
her heart ripped out.
(TECHNO MUSIC)
It was...
BRUCE: Disgusting.
It was gross.
What kind of monster could
do something like that?
Officer Green seems
to think it was a bear.
A bear with a lot of anger.
A lot of hurt feelings.
You know, Neil, I'm a
little worried about you.
You hang in there, kid.
Alright, good luck.
BRUCE: Be back in a couple
hours.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
Ugh, looks like someone
got slaughtered here.
I am dreaming!
SADIE: It's perfect!
ALEXI: What, I can't see
anything.
Our treasures, they're inside.
(GRUNTING)
(GASPS)
Jackpot!
Oh, I want this one!
Look!
Here's your first treasure,
Lexi.
Um, that's okay?
You're saving it from a
bulldozer
in a few months, of course, it's
okay.
Hey Adventure Girl people,
fans!
Hey guys, look, we got our
shit.
We gotta get the fuck out of
here before our luck runs out.
Wait, hey guys, we didn't go
there yet.
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
(SIGHS)
Okay, point taken and rejected.
(LAUGHS)
(DOOR CREAKING AND SLAMMING)
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
(GROWLING)
Oh, look! (LAUGHS)
DAHLIA: Whoa.
Ha, I dare you to eat this.
Oh no, that's gross.
Come on, the audience awaits.
I dare you!
I don't think so, it's nasty.
SADIE: Nom, nom, nom.
Uh-uh.
What happened here?
Ugh, a fucked up ice orgy?
Oh, that's a good name for our
band.
Oh!
(GROWLING)
(ALL GASPING)
What is it?
(PLOPPING)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
(ROARING)
(SCREAMING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(ROARING)
(SCREAMING)
(BANGING)
(ROARING)
SANTA: Krampus!
What the fuck is it?
Get the hell outta here now!
(COUNTRY MUSIC)
Fuck!
(CHOKING) In the cottage, now!
(GRUNTING)
What the hell do we do now?
Good idea, call 911!
It's me.
What, what does she mean it's
me?
Who the hell are you calling?
SADIE: Brian, we're in
danger!
Brian?
- Gimme that!
- No!
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Hello?
He hung up.
It's been like this all day.
Get out of...
911, what's your emergency?
Hi, yeah, I think we're being
attacked!
Oh God, another one.
Okay, stay calm.
Where are you located?
Santa Land.
Santa Land, off the 56, but
that was shut down years ago.
Yes, yes, that one.
(GROWLING)
Alright, and who's attacking
you?
I don't know, some big, hairy
thing!
(GROWLING)
A bear or something!
And a man, I think he's the
owner.
Let me get this straight.
You're in Santa Land,
so you are trespassing.
No, no, we're just...
SADIE: I smell gingerbread!
Hurry!
Is this some kind of practical
joke?
No, no, we're...
Is anybody actually
injured or in danger?
No, we're fine!
But that is only because we're
barricaded in his cottage!
A bear sent you into his
cottage?
Listen, who do you think you
are?
You're trying to pull
some kind of shit on me
and you should be ashamed
of yourself, okay,
because tonight it's Jesus'
birthday, so goodbye!
(PHONE CLICKING)
Asshole!
Hung up on me!
Oh, we're fucking fucked.
We're fucking fucked.
(GROWLING)
(BANGING DOOR)
(SCREAMING)
Sadie, help us!
Now, let's try to arm
ourselves, okay?
Yeah.
Okay.
(CELL PHONE DIALING)
Hi, please don't hang up!
Okay, we're trapped inside Santa
Land.
Our van got towed and we have
no way of getting out of here!
This is 911, not a car
service.
Why do they keep doing that?
(ROOF CREAKING)
(GASPING)
(CLOMPING)
(WHOOSHING)
(SCREAMING)
(PUNCHING)
Stop it, now!
Come on, would you stop it now?
Stop it.
(YELLING)
(PUNCHING)
Ow!
What are you gonna do you fat
fuck, huh?
I'm not fat, you're fat.
(GIRLS YELLING)
(ZAPPING)
(THUDDING)
Now, that's enough!
Sit.
That should keep him out for
now.
What the hell was that?
You know, I'm very
disappointed in you girls.
All of you have bee very
naughty.
You've been trespassing on my
property
and you're fucking my shit up!
That's our motto!
We weren't trespassing on your
property,
we were just exploring.
Oh, enough of this
bullshit, I don't care.
You guys gotta get out of here.
Go in to town, take my
bike, and get your van.
Fuck that!
There's some Bigfoot out there
and we're not calling the
police?
Yeah, forget it, I'm calling
Sean.
This is not for the police.
Hillbillies are crazy!
I'm not a hillbilly, you're a
hillbilly.
I don't know who's crazier,
this magician, or that
wildebeest.
But, I am reporting your ass
to the ASPCA, just so you know.
Okay, hold on, just
hold on for a second.
I need to explain.
I don't know how to say this.
I never thought I'd have to say
this.
Spit it out, already!
Would you listen!
This is my property
and I'm Santa.
Hence, Santa Land.
I'm the real fucking deal,
Santa.
And that thing out
there, that is no animal.
That's Krampus.
Krampus?
Krampus.
Krampus!
Oh, goddamn it, I'm
Santa and that's Krampus!
The devil of Christmas!
Krampus!
And I'm the fucking tooth
fairy.
Oh yeah, that's really
adorable.
Oh, if you only knew.
(GRUNTING)
Want a cookie?
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
BRUCE: Come on!
911, what's your emergency?
Where?
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
BRUCE: Come on.
You've gotta speak slower I
can't...
- Where did you find the body?
- Sit down, sit down!
Another damn body, Bruce!
Missing kids, prank calls!
I just can't take this anymore.
(CRYING)
Yes, honey, I'm here, I'm still
here.
- We'll send you somebody...
- Son of a bitch!
OPERATOR: Right away,
just give us the address.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(GROWLING)
(SQUISHING)
(SLURPING)
(DRIPPING)
(WHISTLES)
Oh, he's a beast, alright.
If you only knew.
He's also part man and part
devil.
Krampus is a killer!
He's also my fucking partner.
Can Santa say fuck?
No, that is what
redneck freaks say before
they hang you on meat hooks as
decoration.
Okay, Santa Claus, we're gonna
leave you
and your killer Wookie here
alone
and we're gonna get the hell out
of here.
Alexi, did you not see that
little spectacle over there?
Did you not see my magic cane?
Santa doesn't walk around with
a cane.
The cane comes with me,
not that your folklore
ever covers that because no
one's ever seen me in action.
Did you just call me Alexi?
Yes, you are Alexi and you
are Dahlia and you are Sadie.
He's some stalker fan, I knew
it.
Wait, have you been creeping
on us this whole time?
Ever since you were born.
SADIE: Gross!
Oh, come on stop it,
you're wasting my time!
I've been in all your houses at
Christmas!
What is it gonna take,
huh, for you to believe me?
Do I have to take flight,
presents magically appear?
What do you want, what do you
want?
What do you want?
Well, if you're really
Santa you'd know what I want.
(SIGHS) Fine!
(ZAPPING)
Oh, my God, yay!
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(ROARING)
(SCREAMING)
So.
(CAMERA BEEPING)
Santa, how do you fit down the
chimney?
Magic, of course.
Krampus also uses the chimney,
that's why I blocked mine just
in case.
Ha, ha, I know what you're
thinking.
What about the houses without
chimneys?
I've got other ways of getting
in.
I'm telling you not everyone is
so pleased to see me pay a
visit.
Here, look at this.
(GIRLS GASPING)
Yeah.
DAHLIA: Nice!
How do you get to everybody
in the world in just one night?
More magic.
You see, he only gets the bad
ones.
And I'm talking, the really bad
children.
How do you make those reindeer
fly?
(SIGHS) Magic!
Wait a second!
Where are your reindeer?
And where's Mrs. Claus
and where are your elves?
Why don't you tell me how
you walk in those heels?
Magic.
Right.
See now that's all you really
need to know about that.
Yeah, yeah, we get it.
He's bad news, ooh!
My personal story is just not
as
charming as the one that you
know of.
(WHOOSHING)
There's no such thing as
a naughty or nice list.
I bring you presents, but
Krampy shreds your ass.
(SIREN BLARING)
In the '40s your culture banned
Krampus.
God forbid they should scare a
little morality into the
children.
Krampus was out of the
picture in society's eyes.
And you know, quite honestly,
they didn't need me anymore.
Toys were made in factories.
Presents bought, Santa's sit
on their fat asses in malls.
A tough decision, but I
wasn't needed anymore.
So I started this place
so that I could see
the joy in the children's eyes
once again.
I had very high hopes for it,
but...
I've been fighting a losing
battle
to hold on to this land mainly
because
I've got Krampus frozen out
there.
Had, had Krampus frozen out
there.
(WHOOSHING)
Now, you can take Santa out of
Christmas,
but you can't take the
Christmas out of Santa.
And how?
Well, I got him without his
magic switch
and I put him on ice and I left
the North Pole and I never
looked behind.
He's my responsibility.
More like my curse.
I don't know how he got his
switch
or how he got out of that ice,
but one thing's for sure;
Krampus is out of retirement.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
911, what's your emergency?
Okay, calm down.
Are they breathing?
Mutilated?
The kids, too?
Bruce, they found more kids,
dead.
I mean really, really, really
dead.
(TECHNO MUSIC)
Damn it!
The team's tied up on Lake
Drive.
Dispatch Officer Green and Sean.
Come on, everybody.
Come on, think.
Come on, think, think!
We need to come up with a plan
here.
Yeah, I've got one!
How about we go to the police
and tell
them about your fucking
boyfriend?
No, you can't do that!
What are you gonna do,
tell them I'm Santa Claus?
No, no, plus they'll
kill Krampus on sight.
I can't have that, he cannot be
killed.
What?
I can't have that.
(STAMMERING)
Krampus cannot be killed!
We're connected...
It's just, it would just
be very bad, very bad.
Yeah, well, I think human
lives are a little bit
more important than blowing your
cover.
You'll just have to trust
me, there's more at stake here.
After being trapped all of these
years
I can just imagine how hungry he
is.
Well, what does he eat?
Uh, that's not what I mean.
Krampus kills children.
He puts them in that basket
and then he takes them to hell.
Wait, wait, wait, I saw that
basket.
I saw it when we were in the
freezer.
He was taking these slimy
hairballs from the basket
and putting them into the
Christmas boxes.
No, you're wrong, he takes
them to hell.
No, I know what we saw.
We were spying on him until he
noticed us
and I swear he was taking
those little hairballs,
those disgusting little hairballs
and putting them in boxes.
All those kids the
ranger was talking about.
No, no, no, those hairballs,
as you call them, they go to
hell!
Not here!
Why, why is he taking all these
children now, before Christmas?
They can't all be naughty.
What is he up to?
Speaking of naughty,
I think I have a plan.
(MUSIC FAST FORWARDING)
Where's my milk and cookies?
Oh, come on, Mom!
That's the best part.
Oh, I know sweetie, but it's
late
and that stuff always
gives you nightmares.
Bed wetter.
Hey, I'm not a bed wetter!
I'm not a bed wetter.
Just that one time.
TEENAGER: You're such a baby.
Can you please stop
picking on your brother?
Quit picking on your brother.
I'm so over this place!
Alright then, just go to bed.
Gladly.
Sleep tight.
Don't let the homeless
little hillbillies bite.
Don't worry, mom.
I can protect you from those
homeless little hillbillies.
(LAUGHS)
Goodnight.
Goodnight, sweetie.
I love you.
BOY: I love you, too.
(GROWLING)
(SCREAMING)
(GLASS SHATTERING)
(CHILLING MUSIC)
(SCREAMING)
(ROARING)
Here.
Here.
Once we get him now,
we've gotta trap him till
after midnight and then we're
home free.
Well, until I freeze him up
again.
DAHLIA: Why midnight?
ALEXI: Well, it's Christmas.
Yeah, and if he takes off
without me
the whole world is going to
hell.
(GROWLING)
Even more than killing children
he loves women, especially
the naughty ones.
He'll sniff you three out in no
time.
Let's get naughty!
(ROARING)
Goddamn it!
(SPRAYING)
Krampus!
Goddamn!
Piss!
Shit!
Motherfuckin' phooey!
(GLASS SHATTERING)
Goddamn, piss, shit,
motherfuckin' phooey!
Goddamn, piss, shit,
motherfuckin' phooey!
Goddamn, piss, shit,
motherfuckin' phooey!
Goddamn, piss, shit,
motherfuckin' phooey!
Goddamn, piss, shit,
motherfuckin' phooey!
(ROARING)
(THUDDING)
(SCREAMING)
Get the fuck off me!
(SCREAMING)
(SLOBBERING)
(THUDDING)
(TASER BUZZING)
I've never been so happy
to see your fucking face!
(CRYING)
(GUN FIRING)
(VOMITING)
Jesus, Sean.
What's going on, buddy?
It's bad, Sean.
It got both of them.
Both of Harrison's girls?
Yeah, both.
Never seen anything
like it in all my life.
We're gonna have to call in
the big guns, that's all.
I can't write this report.
Oh, the hell you can't!
I don't get it.
Why do we need the FBI on a bear
attack?
Look, man, the entire yard
is enclosed, it's gated in.
We couldn't find a single
break in the gate anywhere.
Not one.
What are you saying?
Their little hearts were
ripped out.
Sean, this ain't no bear.
This fucking guy is not
gonna ruin my favorite holiday.
How did Santa get here?
I don't know, he was right
behind us.
Santa?
Some lookout he is!
Shit, is he dead?
(SNORING)
No, he's breathing.
Old man's not dead, just
useless.
Alright, yeah.
Oh, shit.
Yummy, yummy!
(SNIFFING)
(GROWLING)
We've gotta tie him up.
ALEXI: Can you get this over
there?
He's seriously down for the
count, guys.
Picture time?
Yeah!
(TECHNO MUSIC)
Hello!
- Hi.
- Hello.
One at a time.
Krampus, ho, ho, ho.
Not so tough now, are you?
He looks like some sort of
fucked up reindeer, doesn't he?
Look at this little puppy.
I'm the Krampus, oh.
Count of three.
BOTH: One, two, three,
Krampus!
(BELLS JINGLING)
BRUCE: It's me.
Listen, listen to me.
This is the Sheriff.
Look, I want you to get out
to Santa Land and I mean now.
You got that?
Go, get on it.
(SNORING)
DAHLIA: Ha, ha, we got you!
Let's clean you up and then
maybe
we'll get home in time for
Christmas.
Okay, let's go.
Okay.
Dahlia, you on board?
Yeah, he'll be fine.
(GROWLING)
(ROARING)
No!
(ROARING)
(SCREAMING)
Krampus!
Krampus, that's enough!
(GROANING)
Wow!
Go!
Go!
(ROARING)
Hi-ya! (THUDDING)
(KRAMPUS WHIMPERING)
I think I wet myself.
BRIAN: Sadie!
Sadie!
Does Krampus talk?
Never.
Sadie!
Sadie!
- Sadie, oh, my God!
- Brian!
You came for me!
BRIAN: Of course I did,
I was worried about you.
You were?
Of course, I was.
What the hell is going on here?
What weird shit has Dahlia
gotten you into this time?
It's a long story.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
In a nutshell, we're trying
to help the real-life Santa.
'Sup?
Fight the evil Krampus.
Great, my girlfriend's on
drugs.
I'm your girlfriend?
(CRUNCHING)
(SCREAMING)
(SQUIRTING)
(ROARING)
What the shit?
Sean!
Sean?
Answer, goddamn it!
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
SANTA: Krampus!
(ZAPPING)
(THUDDING)
SADIE: No!
No!
Brian, no! (SOBBING)
(ELECTRICITY ZAPPING)
(GRUNTING)
(PUNCHING)
(SCREAMING)
What the fuck is going on?
(GIRLS YELLING)
We've gotta get out of here!
SADIE: He killed Brian!
Are you okay?
SADIE: He killed my Brian!
SEAN: Who?
He killed Brian!
SEAN: Who?
He killed him!
SANTA: Krampus!
Oh, shit.
Put the weapon down now!
Hey, you, put that down!
(TASER ZAPPING)
Come on, over there, you know
the drill.
Go on, go on.
Officer Green just
called in and said Sean
is not responding to his radio.
Have you heard from him?
As a matter of fact, I have.
They had a report of a strange
truck at old man Kris's.
He went up there to investigate.
You mean, Santa Land?
BRUCE: Yeah.
Shit, I need a cigarette!
BRUCE: What?
Oh, look at you.
What are you doing?
OPERATOR: Alright.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
BRUCE: Whose gonna answer the
phone?
OPERATOR: You are.
Police department, hello?
Hello?
I don't know how to work it!
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Get off the cookies!
(COUGHING)
Okay, what the fuck is going
on?
Who are you people?
Why are you covered in blood?
Why do you have my gun?
Why does my neck hurt, who tased
me?
Kris, I fucking knew you killed
that kid!
I knew you were crazy like that!
I need answers and I need 'em
now!
Shut the fuck up, sit down and
listen!
You have to help us.
We need your help.
He killed Brian, he's gonna kill
everyone.
That's the thing.
It all seems really
crazy, but he didn't do it.
He didn't kill Brian.
The real killer's out there!
He's Santa.
You picked a hell of a day to
do this.
(LAUGHS)
Look, he's Santa Claus!
Why are all the hot ones
crazy?
Look, this is old man Kris.
Everyone knows Kris.
He used to run Santa Land back
in the day,
but now he's just an old hermit.
Excuse me?
And he's going to jail
for a very long time
just like you and you and you.
The hell we are!
(GIRLS YELLING)
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
One at a time, one at a time!
You!
So there's this creature,
right?
He's like this big, hairy animal
with these horns, you know?
Um...
Krampus!
Yeah.
Look, I've seen enough mangled
kids
in the past week to last a
lifetime.
Given the day I've had, I'm not
sure if
I trust my gut or what you're
telling me.
The thing is that he's not the
killer.
He didn't do it, he's Santa.
Yeah, he's Kris.
Kris Kringle, you know, like,
Santa Claus?
Ho, ho, ho!
Santa Claus.
Anyway, the thing is we have
to save
the world from that monster out
there!
The world?
Yes!
Sean, do you trust me?
No!
Santa?
SANTA: Hmm?
Show him your thing.
(ZAPPING)
Holy shit.
(LAUGHS)
Wow.
(ROARING)
Gimme the fucking gun, give it
here.
What's it called?
SANTA: Krampus!
(GROWLING)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
This is unbelievable.
Let's say I do believe you.
When I was a kid and you opened
this place
I really thought you were Santa.
It was the only thing this
boring town had going for it.
Christmas all year round.
I thought I was the
luckiest kid in the world.
Well, goody fucking gum drops.
I'm glad you had your fun.
- Here, have a cookie.
- Thank you.
But we don't have much time.
You see, we gotta trap
him before midnight!
Yeah, no one knows this forest
like I do, not even you, Kris.
Let's get this Krampus
and take back Christmas!
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Okay, Dahlia, you're gonna be
our eyes
on the south end in car two
of the bumblebee coaster.
Got it!
Sadie, you have your compact?
Great, you're gonna flash
it if you see anything.
You're gonna be in the bumblebee
hive.
I'm gonna be perched right
here on top of the north tower.
Sean, you'll be with me in the
tower.
Your wish is my command.
(GUN CLICKING)
- Santa?
- Hmm?
You're gonna be at the house
of mirrors
and you are gonna have
your cane at the ready.
I'm there.
(CRUNCHING)
- Yeah!
- Ha!
(SLAPPING)
(YELLING)
Santa Claus is coming to town,
bitches!
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Okay.
(CAMERA CLICKING)
Oh, no, it was blurry.
(ALL GROANING)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
(GROWLING)
(CREAKING)
Shit!
I don't think it's working.
What do we do now?
Good question.
(GROWLING)
It's okay.
- Okay.
- It's just a noise.
(MOANING)
(GROWLING)
(SCREAMING)
- Okay.
- Come on!
Fuck you! (BANGING)
Fuck you!
Fuck you!
(YELLING)
(SLICING)
(SCREAMING)
SADIE: Hi-ya! (thudding)
SANTA: This way, Sadie!
(ROARING)
(PUNCHING)
SEAN: Nice!
Motherfucker!
Come on!
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Fucking asshole!
(SCREAMING)
(ENGINE REVVING)
Stop!
Cherry?
What the hell is she doing
here?
Get those girls to safety.
I'll take care of these guys.
Who the fuck called
the fucking bartender?
I got this.
I am the wifey, after all.
Ain't that right, honey?
Baby, I missed you so much.
(ENGINE REVVING)
How is she gonna capture
Krampus?
Well, she's his crazy ex,
right?
That must make her Mrs. Claus!
Come on!
Of all nights, you chose
tonight
to call in some bitches for fun?
No, no, no, no...
- Big surprise!
- It's not what it looks like.
You whimpering fool!
You failed me again!
I always stuck by you even
when your business failed
and we had to eat the reindeer.
Did I ever complain?
Never.
Don't you know what I've been
up to?
(LAUGHING MENACINGLY)
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Margaret, he's just drunk.
He's gonna be fine tomorrow,
don't...
Look, Margaret, I gotta,
hang on a second I got...
Goddamn it!
No, not you, Margaret.
Hold on.
Green, this is the sheriff.
Look, we haven't heard
from Sean in a while.
He went out to Santa Land.
I need you guys to get out
there, I'm a little bit worried.
Find out what the heck is going
on.
GREEN: Jesus Christ, Sean!
Get out there right now.
GREEN: Okay.
Good, thank you.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Jesus.
Margaret, hello?
(ALL PANTING AND CRYING)
SEAN: Come on!
ALEXI: What is this place?
(DOOR CLOSING)
(GASPING)
(SIREN BLARING)
(COUNTRY MUSIC)
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
Krampus!
(CHAIN RATTLING)
(ZAPPING)
Cherry, what have you done?
I was nobody to you and
nobody to the entire world.
You saw the way they portrayed
me.
Always at your side with a
plate of cookies to serve you.
Uh-uh-uh.
I was portrayed as fat, ugly and
old.
When we both know that I am
fucking hot!
I am cleansing the world of all
the little shits, naughty or
nice!
And guess what?
You can't do this!
They'll all think it was you!
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
SADIE: What's that noise?
It's, uh, rats.
It's probably just rats.
Big fucking rats or something.
Oh, my God, gross.
After everything we went
through rats are gross?
(THUMPING)
(SQUEAKING)
(SCREAMING)
SEAN: Hairy balls!
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
Why are you doing this?
To rewrite history my
way with a little help
from my (SNARLING) hairy
boyfriend.
(GROWLING)
(LAUGHING)
Oh, baby!
You were too busy spreading
love to the world.
(SANTA GAGGING)
Krampus, go get our sleigh.
We have work to do tonight.
(LAUGHING)
(SQUEAKING)
(SCREAMING)
(SNAPPING)
SEAN: Killer hairy balls!
(CHEWING)
(SQUEAKING)
(SNAPPING)
(SCREAMING)
(GUN FIRING)
(LAUGHING)
Sounds like it's feeding time.
Krampus!
(GRUNTING)
(GROWLING)
(SCREAMING)
(GUN FIRING)
We have to stop them.
Hurry!
She has my cane.
Mazel tov!
(WHOOSHING)
(THUDDING)
Get her off my sleigh,
she's not magical!
Go, go, go!
(WHACKING)
(LAUGHING)
Go, go, go!
Go, go, go!
(ROARING)
Yes!
(GUN FIRING)
(ROARING)
I'm so sorry.
But you're all connected.
(SLICING)
(THUDDING)
(SQUIRTING)
(CHERRY SCREAMING)
(EXPLODING)
(SIREN BLARING)
Sean, this way, come on!
Sean!
Sean!
Sean, are you alright?
What happened?
You wouldn't believe me if I
told you.
(GIRLS CRYING)
(TINKLING)
(GROWLING)
(SPOOKY JINGLING MUSIC)
(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)
Merry Christmas, bitches!
(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)
(FAST ROCK "DECK THE HALLS"
MUSIC)
Deck the halls with boughs of
holly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Tis the season to be jolly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Don we now our gay apparel
Fa la la, la la la, la la la
Troll the ancient Yule tide
carol
Fa la la la la, la la la la
See the blazing Yule before us
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Strike the harp and join the
chorus
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Follow me in merry measure
Fa la la la la, la la la la
While I tell of Yule tide
treasure
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Fa la la la la
Fa la la la la
Deck the halls with boughs of
holly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Tis the season to be jolly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Don we now our gay apparel
Fa la la, la la la, la la la
Troll the ancient Yule tide
carol
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Deck the halls with boughs of
holly
(CHILLING TECHNO MUSIC)
(FAST RAP MUSIC)
(TECHNO MUSIC)
(WHOOSHING)
(THUNDERING)
(BATS SQUEAKING)
(EMBERS CRACKLING)
(FIREWORKS BOOMING)
(MYSTICAL MUSIC)
(TECHNO MUSIC)
(COUGHING)
Okay, what the fuck is going
on?
Who are you people?
Why are you covered in blood?
Why do you have my gun?
Why does my neck hurt, who tased
me?
Kris, I fuckin' knew you killed
that kid.
I knew you were crazy like that.
I need answers and I need 'em
now!
Shut the fuck up, sit down and
listen!
(SQUEALING)
Oh, my God, did you see
the look on Santa's face?
I do think we made Santa's
naughty list.
That's because your
guys' outfits are amazing.
SADIE: I should send
this Santa picture to Brian.
No, don't even think about it!
That ass clown hasn't called you
in weeks!
We're so putting these up on
our
fucking website for the world to
see.
Okay, so I got the box,
Dahlia you got the wreath.
What'd you get, Alexi?
I totally chickened out, but
I bought green nail polish.
Boring!
Why are you the enemy of fun?
I should just take all of
your Christmas presents
and return them and wrap
you some coal instead.
You know better than to
mess with me on Christmas.
Oh, wait a sec.
Um, is tomorrow the holiday
you've been talking about
every fucking day since
Thanksgiving?
Sure, tease me and then leave
me.
It's bad enough that I have
to go to work right now.
Work?
Somebody's gotta pay the rent,
unless your dad wants to cover
me?
Well, what if I told
you rent was covered?
And so's your shift.
What?
The only puppies you're gonna
have to worry about today are
these.
You're coming with us on an
adventure.
Alright?
Merry Christmas, bitch!
You're crazy, you know that?
Correction, we're fucking
crazy!
(WHOOPING)
(WHOOSHING)
Hello, devoted fans,
Sadie here and Dahlia.
With our dear friend, Alexi.
Hello!
It's Christmas fucking Eve and
we're
on our way to what might
be the most exciting
urban exploring adventure in
history.
So be sure to log on tomorrow
for the full official video.
And you never know what dirty
things will come your way.
(WHOOSHING)
(TECHNO MUSIC)
Man.
SADIE: There you go.
What is it you guys do
exactly when you're out there?
You're telling me
you've never seen a single
one of the Adventure Girls
videocasts?
I did once, yeah.
Okay, then, which adventure
was it?
Uh, it was um, it was the
factory one.
Abandoned water park?
I know, I'm a terrible friend.
I haven't watched any of them.
What do you guys do?
Well, I know you go break into
weird
places and you film yourselves.
But what is it that urban
explorers actually do?
I mean, we just go to awesome
places,
people don't dare go to.
And film ourselves running
around.
And then there's the
treasures.
Yeah, we collect one keepsake
from each place we explore.
Oh, so it's kind of like, um,
stealing?
It's not stealing if it
doesn't belong to anyone.
These places have been closed
forever.
I hope Santa Land has some
amazing swag!
So, while you guys are doing
all
that awesome stuff, what am I
gonna do?
Have the best fucking
Christmas ever!
Woo!
This is what I have to
do, I have to fucking pee.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Well, it's 12:03, I guess it's
socially acceptable to start
drinking.
Classy joint!
Hi, Merry Christmas!
Oh, fuck Christmas!
Isn't that right, Cherry?
You heard him, girls.
Fuck Christmas!
What?
Christmas is awesome!
(STAMPING)
What'll it be?
(GLASS SHATTERING)
Merry Christmas, bitches!
Oh, shit.
Come on, all this shit you
just
buy into with Christmas, it's
just that.
It's bullshit!
This how you welcome
out-of-towners, Cherry?
Can't be good for business.
You know what?
I think we better just go.
Oh no, you're staying here
now, honey.
Looks like you just made a
friend.
You joining 'em for drinks,
Sean?
I'm on the clock.
Where's Jerry?
For Christ's sake, Jerry!
You've got to be kidding me!
Jerry, you know your parole
officer said no costumes!
What is this?
So what'll it be, girls?
Um, I think I'll have an
eggnog, please.
JERRY: Oh, yeah!
You know what?
I think we're just gonna down
these
and get the hell out of here,
okay?
Man, I didn't touch any
fucking kids!
I know, I know, okay.
They just want me to take
you in for some questioning.
Now, are you gonna cooperate or
are
you gonna give me a hard time?
Hey, he's been drunk
in my bar for two days.
Only gets up to make a
mess in the bathroom.
Some shit's been going down,
so we're asking the usual
suspects.
Pedophiles and such.
I'm right fucking here, man!
Oh, I'm sorry, Jerry.
Sex offenders.
Don't chase him out,
it's my one customer.
That tips!
(BLOWING)
I'm sorry to butt in,
but you said some shit was going
down.
Anything interesting?
Uh, yeah, just some bear
attacks
and some odd things around town.
Ooh, bears, production value?
Honestly, odd isn't the right
word.
Look, I don't mean to
cause an alarm or anything,
but some kids have been
murdered.
SADIE: Oh, my goodness!
Hey, are you a ranger or a
cop?
Well, yeah, I'm no cop,
but uh, I am packing.
Shouldn't you be chasing
forest fires, not felons?
Dahlia, shut up.
Anyway, with everything
going on around town
and it being Christmas and all,
the police station's a little
understaffed
and I know this forest
like the back of my hand.
Sorry, we didn't mean to waste
your time
or ask you all those silly
questions.
No bother, ladies.
I'd rather talk to you
than hunt down bears,
but if you need anything
when you're in town
or see anything suspicious,
don't hesitate to call me.
Ooh, call me!
Shut up!
(LAUGHS)
Okay, but seriously, kids
murdered?
Maybe we should leave.
Oh no, no, no, no, I
missed work for this.
We are going on my first
Adventure Girls mission.
Cheers.
Hey, yes!
That one is on me!
Now, 20 bucks for the rest.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
It's not as Christmassy as I
expected.
Looks creepy, though.
Well, let's get started.
(LAUGHS)
(CREEPY MUSIC)
So you ready for your
first big adventure?
As ready as I'll ever be, yes!
SADIE: Wait, hold up,
soldier!
What?
We're gonna do this, right?
Oh yeah, we're gonna do
this, but you're not ready yet.
Shut up, of course, I am.
I'm gonna have fun, come on!
You're not ready yet, until...
You put on your Christmas
uniform!
Oh, my God!
This is kind of hot looking,
but yeah, okay, okay.
Yeah, it's better than being
an elf.
I think it's cute.
(TECHNO MUSIC)
Yellow?
White and purple?
I like the blue one best.
I think you're right, blue.
Sadie, our little snowflake
is gonna have a meltdown
when she sees what's inside
Santa Land.
(GASPING)
And, what do you think of my hot
elfness?
Tomorrow when you go online to
see
the full length video don't
forget
to check out our pics
and like them if you do.
And, I hope you do.
Later!
Did I get it right this time?
Yeah, you're a natural.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
Maybe I should call Brian and
let him know where we are.
DAHLIA AND ALEXI: No!
It's Christmas Eve, what if he
tries to get in touch with me?
He hasn't called you in
forever.
Why would you call him now?
He doesn't deserve you!
But...
Ho, ho, ho, let's go!
(THUDDING)
Awesome!
Merry fucking Christmas!
Wow.
You know, I thought this place
would be
a lot more old and decrepit
looking for
the amount of years it's been
abandoned.
Don't get me wrong, I
still wanna check it out.
Don't run, you can't outrun
it.
If it's too late to back
away, grab a weapon,
any weapon, to protect yourself.
If without weapons or pepper
spray, curl up and play dead.
Just reading off things to
do in case of a bear attack.
Is that your idea of fun,
trying to scare the crap out of
us?
I am just being the voice of
reason.
Meet my taser, my voice of
reason.
On that note, I think we're
ready.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
Whoo!
Welcome to Santa Land!
(ROCK "JINGLE BELLS" MUSIC)
Cool, the most magical
Christmas Eve land of all.
And the Adventure Girls
are gonna explore it!
Dahlia, go Dahlia!
(GRUNTING)
You're not gonna make it on
heels.
Oh wait, watch out, watch out.
What do I know about Santa
Land?
SADIE: Yeah, tell
me something about it.
Well, it's been closed for 20
years.
I heard kids died here.
The only people that come here
now
are crack heads and meth heads.
Oh, my God, what's this?
Oh, awesome!
I wanna eat this mushroom
and then get twice as big.
Don't let me fall.
Let's go find something else.
Oh, my God, you guys!
(CHATTERING)
Would you like some tea?
(LAUGHING)
Someone's gotta tell her
to stop humping things.
It's not sexy.
(BANGING)
Oh no, I'm a naughty girl!
Don't try this at home.
(TECHNO "NUTCRACKER" MUSIC)
Hello?
Any bears in here?
Werewolves?
Unicorns?
Al Qaeda?
No, but other things live in
the forest like birds and
squirrels.
And bears, child-eating bears.
(BRANCHES CRACKING)
Okay.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
(HUMMING)
SADIE: Welcome to candy cane
land!
Don't you feel like we're
being watched?
Are we?
Yeah, I kind of do feel
like I'm being watched.
(BANJO MUSIC)
Is that your new ringtone,
sicko?
- Yes.
- Oh, my God!
We'll see who's laughing when
you're
hog-tied and squealing for my
help.
Ooh, you've gotta problem now!
Stop it, you're gonna
fuck up my makeup, geez!
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
At this point I don't think
it makes any difference.
I found Jerry.
He was getting wasted at
Cherry's just like Sean said.
Neil, what the hell are you
doing?
There is no way in hell that
this guy could have done it!
Now, cut him loose!
Come on, Jerry.
Sorry about this.
Merry Christmas.
Get out of here.
Fuck you, Jerry.
NEIL: See you at poker.
(SIGHS)
BRUCE: What is it?
I was just thinking about the
Bernards.
I mean, seeing her lying there
like that,
in all that blood with
her heart ripped out.
(TECHNO MUSIC)
It was...
BRUCE: Disgusting.
It was gross.
What kind of monster could
do something like that?
Officer Green seems
to think it was a bear.
A bear with a lot of anger.
A lot of hurt feelings.
You know, Neil, I'm a
little worried about you.
You hang in there, kid.
Alright, good luck.
BRUCE: Be back in a couple
hours.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
Ugh, looks like someone
got slaughtered here.
I am dreaming!
SADIE: It's perfect!
ALEXI: What, I can't see
anything.
Our treasures, they're inside.
(GRUNTING)
(GASPS)
Jackpot!
Oh, I want this one!
Look!
Here's your first treasure,
Lexi.
Um, that's okay?
You're saving it from a
bulldozer
in a few months, of course, it's
okay.
Hey Adventure Girl people,
fans!
Hey guys, look, we got our
shit.
We gotta get the fuck out of
here before our luck runs out.
Wait, hey guys, we didn't go
there yet.
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
(SIGHS)
Okay, point taken and rejected.
(LAUGHS)
(DOOR CREAKING AND SLAMMING)
(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)
(GROWLING)
Oh, look! (LAUGHS)
DAHLIA: Whoa.
Ha, I dare you to eat this.
Oh no, that's gross.
Come on, the audience awaits.
I dare you!
I don't think so, it's nasty.
SADIE: Nom, nom, nom.
Uh-uh.
What happened here?
Ugh, a fucked up ice orgy?
Oh, that's a good name for our
band.
Oh!
(GROWLING)
(ALL GASPING)
What is it?
(PLOPPING)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
(ROARING)
(SCREAMING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(ROARING)
(SCREAMING)
(BANGING)
(ROARING)
SANTA: Krampus!
What the fuck is it?
Get the hell outta here now!
(COUNTRY MUSIC)
Fuck!
(CHOKING) In the cottage, now!
(GRUNTING)
What the hell do we do now?
Good idea, call 911!
It's me.
What, what does she mean it's
me?
Who the hell are you calling?
SADIE: Brian, we're in
danger!
Brian?
- Gimme that!
- No!
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Hello?
He hung up.
It's been like this all day.
Get out of...
911, what's your emergency?
Hi, yeah, I think we're being
attacked!
Oh God, another one.
Okay, stay calm.
Where are you located?
Santa Land.
Santa Land, off the 56, but
that was shut down years ago.
Yes, yes, that one.
(GROWLING)
Alright, and who's attacking
you?
I don't know, some big, hairy
thing!
(GROWLING)
A bear or something!
And a man, I think he's the
owner.
Let me get this straight.
You're in Santa Land,
so you are trespassing.
No, no, we're just...
SADIE: I smell gingerbread!
Hurry!
Is this some kind of practical
joke?
No, no, we're...
Is anybody actually
injured or in danger?
No, we're fine!
But that is only because we're
barricaded in his cottage!
A bear sent you into his
cottage?
Listen, who do you think you
are?
You're trying to pull
some kind of shit on me
and you should be ashamed
of yourself, okay,
because tonight it's Jesus'
birthday, so goodbye!
(PHONE CLICKING)
Asshole!
Hung up on me!
Oh, we're fucking fucked.
We're fucking fucked.
(GROWLING)
(BANGING DOOR)
(SCREAMING)
Sadie, help us!
Now, let's try to arm
ourselves, okay?
Yeah.
Okay.
(CELL PHONE DIALING)
Hi, please don't hang up!
Okay, we're trapped inside Santa
Land.
Our van got towed and we have
no way of getting out of here!
This is 911, not a car
service.
Why do they keep doing that?
(ROOF CREAKING)
(GASPING)
(CLOMPING)
(WHOOSHING)
(SCREAMING)
(PUNCHING)
Stop it, now!
Come on, would you stop it now?
Stop it.
(YELLING)
(PUNCHING)
Ow!
What are you gonna do you fat
fuck, huh?
I'm not fat, you're fat.
(GIRLS YELLING)
(ZAPPING)
(THUDDING)
Now, that's enough!
Sit.
That should keep him out for
now.
What the hell was that?
You know, I'm very
disappointed in you girls.
All of you have bee very
naughty.
You've been trespassing on my
property
and you're fucking my shit up!
That's our motto!
We weren't trespassing on your
property,
we were just exploring.
Oh, enough of this
bullshit, I don't care.
You guys gotta get out of here.
Go in to town, take my
bike, and get your van.
Fuck that!
There's some Bigfoot out there
and we're not calling the
police?
Yeah, forget it, I'm calling
Sean.
This is not for the police.
Hillbillies are crazy!
I'm not a hillbilly, you're a
hillbilly.
I don't know who's crazier,
this magician, or that
wildebeest.
But, I am reporting your ass
to the ASPCA, just so you know.
Okay, hold on, just
hold on for a second.
I need to explain.
I don't know how to say this.
I never thought I'd have to say
this.
Spit it out, already!
Would you listen!
This is my property
and I'm Santa.
Hence, Santa Land.
I'm the real fucking deal,
Santa.
And that thing out
there, that is no animal.
That's Krampus.
Krampus?
Krampus.
Krampus!
Oh, goddamn it, I'm
Santa and that's Krampus!
The devil of Christmas!
Krampus!
And I'm the fucking tooth
fairy.
Oh yeah, that's really
adorable.
Oh, if you only knew.
(GRUNTING)
Want a cookie?
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
BRUCE: Come on!
911, what's your emergency?
Where?
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
BRUCE: Come on.
You've gotta speak slower I
can't...
- Where did you find the body?
- Sit down, sit down!
Another damn body, Bruce!
Missing kids, prank calls!
I just can't take this anymore.
(CRYING)
Yes, honey, I'm here, I'm still
here.
- We'll send you somebody...
- Son of a bitch!
OPERATOR: Right away,
just give us the address.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(GROWLING)
(SQUISHING)
(SLURPING)
(DRIPPING)
(WHISTLES)
Oh, he's a beast, alright.
If you only knew.
He's also part man and part
devil.
Krampus is a killer!
He's also my fucking partner.
Can Santa say fuck?
No, that is what
redneck freaks say before
they hang you on meat hooks as
decoration.
Okay, Santa Claus, we're gonna
leave you
and your killer Wookie here
alone
and we're gonna get the hell out
of here.
Alexi, did you not see that
little spectacle over there?
Did you not see my magic cane?
Santa doesn't walk around with
a cane.
The cane comes with me,
not that your folklore
ever covers that because no
one's ever seen me in action.
Did you just call me Alexi?
Yes, you are Alexi and you
are Dahlia and you are Sadie.
He's some stalker fan, I knew
it.
Wait, have you been creeping
on us this whole time?
Ever since you were born.
SADIE: Gross!
Oh, come on stop it,
you're wasting my time!
I've been in all your houses at
Christmas!
What is it gonna take,
huh, for you to believe me?
Do I have to take flight,
presents magically appear?
What do you want, what do you
want?
What do you want?
Well, if you're really
Santa you'd know what I want.
(SIGHS) Fine!
(ZAPPING)
Oh, my God, yay!
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(ROARING)
(SCREAMING)
So.
(CAMERA BEEPING)
Santa, how do you fit down the
chimney?
Magic, of course.
Krampus also uses the chimney,
that's why I blocked mine just
in case.
Ha, ha, I know what you're
thinking.
What about the houses without
chimneys?
I've got other ways of getting
in.
I'm telling you not everyone is
so pleased to see me pay a
visit.
Here, look at this.
(GIRLS GASPING)
Yeah.
DAHLIA: Nice!
How do you get to everybody
in the world in just one night?
More magic.
You see, he only gets the bad
ones.
And I'm talking, the really bad
children.
How do you make those reindeer
fly?
(SIGHS) Magic!
Wait a second!
Where are your reindeer?
And where's Mrs. Claus
and where are your elves?
Why don't you tell me how
you walk in those heels?
Magic.
Right.
See now that's all you really
need to know about that.
Yeah, yeah, we get it.
He's bad news, ooh!
My personal story is just not
as
charming as the one that you
know of.
(WHOOSHING)
There's no such thing as
a naughty or nice list.
I bring you presents, but
Krampy shreds your ass.
(SIREN BLARING)
In the '40s your culture banned
Krampus.
God forbid they should scare a
little morality into the
children.
Krampus was out of the
picture in society's eyes.
And you know, quite honestly,
they didn't need me anymore.
Toys were made in factories.
Presents bought, Santa's sit
on their fat asses in malls.
A tough decision, but I
wasn't needed anymore.
So I started this place
so that I could see
the joy in the children's eyes
once again.
I had very high hopes for it,
but...
I've been fighting a losing
battle
to hold on to this land mainly
because
I've got Krampus frozen out
there.
Had, had Krampus frozen out
there.
(WHOOSHING)
Now, you can take Santa out of
Christmas,
but you can't take the
Christmas out of Santa.
And how?
Well, I got him without his
magic switch
and I put him on ice and I left
the North Pole and I never
looked behind.
He's my responsibility.
More like my curse.
I don't know how he got his
switch
or how he got out of that ice,
but one thing's for sure;
Krampus is out of retirement.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
911, what's your emergency?
Okay, calm down.
Are they breathing?
Mutilated?
The kids, too?
Bruce, they found more kids,
dead.
I mean really, really, really
dead.
(TECHNO MUSIC)
Damn it!
The team's tied up on Lake
Drive.
Dispatch Officer Green and Sean.
Come on, everybody.
Come on, think.
Come on, think, think!
We need to come up with a plan
here.
Yeah, I've got one!
How about we go to the police
and tell
them about your fucking
boyfriend?
No, you can't do that!
What are you gonna do,
tell them I'm Santa Claus?
No, no, plus they'll
kill Krampus on sight.
I can't have that, he cannot be
killed.
What?
I can't have that.
(STAMMERING)
Krampus cannot be killed!
We're connected...
It's just, it would just
be very bad, very bad.
Yeah, well, I think human
lives are a little bit
more important than blowing your
cover.
You'll just have to trust
me, there's more at stake here.
After being trapped all of these
years
I can just imagine how hungry he
is.
Well, what does he eat?
Uh, that's not what I mean.
Krampus kills children.
He puts them in that basket
and then he takes them to hell.
Wait, wait, wait, I saw that
basket.
I saw it when we were in the
freezer.
He was taking these slimy
hairballs from the basket
and putting them into the
Christmas boxes.
No, you're wrong, he takes
them to hell.
No, I know what we saw.
We were spying on him until he
noticed us
and I swear he was taking
those little hairballs,
those disgusting little hairballs
and putting them in boxes.
All those kids the
ranger was talking about.
No, no, no, those hairballs,
as you call them, they go to
hell!
Not here!
Why, why is he taking all these
children now, before Christmas?
They can't all be naughty.
What is he up to?
Speaking of naughty,
I think I have a plan.
(MUSIC FAST FORWARDING)
Where's my milk and cookies?
Oh, come on, Mom!
That's the best part.
Oh, I know sweetie, but it's
late
and that stuff always
gives you nightmares.
Bed wetter.
Hey, I'm not a bed wetter!
I'm not a bed wetter.
Just that one time.
TEENAGER: You're such a baby.
Can you please stop
picking on your brother?
Quit picking on your brother.
I'm so over this place!
Alright then, just go to bed.
Gladly.
Sleep tight.
Don't let the homeless
little hillbillies bite.
Don't worry, mom.
I can protect you from those
homeless little hillbillies.
(LAUGHS)
Goodnight.
Goodnight, sweetie.
I love you.
BOY: I love you, too.
(GROWLING)
(SCREAMING)
(GLASS SHATTERING)
(CHILLING MUSIC)
(SCREAMING)
(ROARING)
Here.
Here.
Once we get him now,
we've gotta trap him till
after midnight and then we're
home free.
Well, until I freeze him up
again.
DAHLIA: Why midnight?
ALEXI: Well, it's Christmas.
Yeah, and if he takes off
without me
the whole world is going to
hell.
(GROWLING)
Even more than killing children
he loves women, especially
the naughty ones.
He'll sniff you three out in no
time.
Let's get naughty!
(ROARING)
Goddamn it!
(SPRAYING)
Krampus!
Goddamn!
Piss!
Shit!
Motherfuckin' phooey!
(GLASS SHATTERING)
Goddamn, piss, shit,
motherfuckin' phooey!
Goddamn, piss, shit,
motherfuckin' phooey!
Goddamn, piss, shit,
motherfuckin' phooey!
Goddamn, piss, shit,
motherfuckin' phooey!
Goddamn, piss, shit,
motherfuckin' phooey!
(ROARING)
(THUDDING)
(SCREAMING)
Get the fuck off me!
(SCREAMING)
(SLOBBERING)
(THUDDING)
(TASER BUZZING)
I've never been so happy
to see your fucking face!
(CRYING)
(GUN FIRING)
(VOMITING)
Jesus, Sean.
What's going on, buddy?
It's bad, Sean.
It got both of them.
Both of Harrison's girls?
Yeah, both.
Never seen anything
like it in all my life.
We're gonna have to call in
the big guns, that's all.
I can't write this report.
Oh, the hell you can't!
I don't get it.
Why do we need the FBI on a bear
attack?
Look, man, the entire yard
is enclosed, it's gated in.
We couldn't find a single
break in the gate anywhere.
Not one.
What are you saying?
Their little hearts were
ripped out.
Sean, this ain't no bear.
This fucking guy is not
gonna ruin my favorite holiday.
How did Santa get here?
I don't know, he was right
behind us.
Santa?
Some lookout he is!
Shit, is he dead?
(SNORING)
No, he's breathing.
Old man's not dead, just
useless.
Alright, yeah.
Oh, shit.
Yummy, yummy!
(SNIFFING)
(GROWLING)
We've gotta tie him up.
ALEXI: Can you get this over
there?
He's seriously down for the
count, guys.
Picture time?
Yeah!
(TECHNO MUSIC)
Hello!
- Hi.
- Hello.
One at a time.
Krampus, ho, ho, ho.
Not so tough now, are you?
He looks like some sort of
fucked up reindeer, doesn't he?
Look at this little puppy.
I'm the Krampus, oh.
Count of three.
BOTH: One, two, three,
Krampus!
(BELLS JINGLING)
BRUCE: It's me.
Listen, listen to me.
This is the Sheriff.
Look, I want you to get out
to Santa Land and I mean now.
You got that?
Go, get on it.
(SNORING)
DAHLIA: Ha, ha, we got you!
Let's clean you up and then
maybe
we'll get home in time for
Christmas.
Okay, let's go.
Okay.
Dahlia, you on board?
Yeah, he'll be fine.
(GROWLING)
(ROARING)
No!
(ROARING)
(SCREAMING)
Krampus!
Krampus, that's enough!
(GROANING)
Wow!
Go!
Go!
(ROARING)
Hi-ya! (THUDDING)
(KRAMPUS WHIMPERING)
I think I wet myself.
BRIAN: Sadie!
Sadie!
Does Krampus talk?
Never.
Sadie!
Sadie!
- Sadie, oh, my God!
- Brian!
You came for me!
BRIAN: Of course I did,
I was worried about you.
You were?
Of course, I was.
What the hell is going on here?
What weird shit has Dahlia
gotten you into this time?
It's a long story.
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
In a nutshell, we're trying
to help the real-life Santa.
'Sup?
Fight the evil Krampus.
Great, my girlfriend's on
drugs.
I'm your girlfriend?
(CRUNCHING)
(SCREAMING)
(SQUIRTING)
(ROARING)
What the shit?
Sean!
Sean?
Answer, goddamn it!
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
SANTA: Krampus!
(ZAPPING)
(THUDDING)
SADIE: No!
No!
Brian, no! (SOBBING)
(ELECTRICITY ZAPPING)
(GRUNTING)
(PUNCHING)
(SCREAMING)
What the fuck is going on?
(GIRLS YELLING)
We've gotta get out of here!
SADIE: He killed Brian!
Are you okay?
SADIE: He killed my Brian!
SEAN: Who?
He killed Brian!
SEAN: Who?
He killed him!
SANTA: Krampus!
Oh, shit.
Put the weapon down now!
Hey, you, put that down!
(TASER ZAPPING)
Come on, over there, you know
the drill.
Go on, go on.
Officer Green just
called in and said Sean
is not responding to his radio.
Have you heard from him?
As a matter of fact, I have.
They had a report of a strange
truck at old man Kris's.
He went up there to investigate.
You mean, Santa Land?
BRUCE: Yeah.
Shit, I need a cigarette!
BRUCE: What?
Oh, look at you.
What are you doing?
OPERATOR: Alright.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
BRUCE: Whose gonna answer the
phone?
OPERATOR: You are.
Police department, hello?
Hello?
I don't know how to work it!
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Get off the cookies!
(COUGHING)
Okay, what the fuck is going
on?
Who are you people?
Why are you covered in blood?
Why do you have my gun?
Why does my neck hurt, who tased
me?
Kris, I fucking knew you killed
that kid!
I knew you were crazy like that!
I need answers and I need 'em
now!
Shut the fuck up, sit down and
listen!
You have to help us.
We need your help.
He killed Brian, he's gonna kill
everyone.
That's the thing.
It all seems really
crazy, but he didn't do it.
He didn't kill Brian.
The real killer's out there!
He's Santa.
You picked a hell of a day to
do this.
(LAUGHS)
Look, he's Santa Claus!
Why are all the hot ones
crazy?
Look, this is old man Kris.
Everyone knows Kris.
He used to run Santa Land back
in the day,
but now he's just an old hermit.
Excuse me?
And he's going to jail
for a very long time
just like you and you and you.
The hell we are!
(GIRLS YELLING)
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
One at a time, one at a time!
You!
So there's this creature,
right?
He's like this big, hairy animal
with these horns, you know?
Um...
Krampus!
Yeah.
Look, I've seen enough mangled
kids
in the past week to last a
lifetime.
Given the day I've had, I'm not
sure if
I trust my gut or what you're
telling me.
The thing is that he's not the
killer.
He didn't do it, he's Santa.
Yeah, he's Kris.
Kris Kringle, you know, like,
Santa Claus?
Ho, ho, ho!
Santa Claus.
Anyway, the thing is we have
to save
the world from that monster out
there!
The world?
Yes!
Sean, do you trust me?
No!
Santa?
SANTA: Hmm?
Show him your thing.
(ZAPPING)
Holy shit.
(LAUGHS)
Wow.
(ROARING)
Gimme the fucking gun, give it
here.
What's it called?
SANTA: Krampus!
(GROWLING)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
This is unbelievable.
Let's say I do believe you.
When I was a kid and you opened
this place
I really thought you were Santa.
It was the only thing this
boring town had going for it.
Christmas all year round.
I thought I was the
luckiest kid in the world.
Well, goody fucking gum drops.
I'm glad you had your fun.
- Here, have a cookie.
- Thank you.
But we don't have much time.
You see, we gotta trap
him before midnight!
Yeah, no one knows this forest
like I do, not even you, Kris.
Let's get this Krampus
and take back Christmas!
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Okay, Dahlia, you're gonna be
our eyes
on the south end in car two
of the bumblebee coaster.
Got it!
Sadie, you have your compact?
Great, you're gonna flash
it if you see anything.
You're gonna be in the bumblebee
hive.
I'm gonna be perched right
here on top of the north tower.
Sean, you'll be with me in the
tower.
Your wish is my command.
(GUN CLICKING)
- Santa?
- Hmm?
You're gonna be at the house
of mirrors
and you are gonna have
your cane at the ready.
I'm there.
(CRUNCHING)
- Yeah!
- Ha!
(SLAPPING)
(YELLING)
Santa Claus is coming to town,
bitches!
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Okay.
(CAMERA CLICKING)
Oh, no, it was blurry.
(ALL GROANING)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)
(GROWLING)
(CREAKING)
Shit!
I don't think it's working.
What do we do now?
Good question.
(GROWLING)
It's okay.
- Okay.
- It's just a noise.
(MOANING)
(GROWLING)
(SCREAMING)
- Okay.
- Come on!
Fuck you! (BANGING)
Fuck you!
Fuck you!
(YELLING)
(SLICING)
(SCREAMING)
SADIE: Hi-ya! (thudding)
SANTA: This way, Sadie!
(ROARING)
(PUNCHING)
SEAN: Nice!
Motherfucker!
Come on!
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Fucking asshole!
(SCREAMING)
(ENGINE REVVING)
Stop!
Cherry?
What the hell is she doing
here?
Get those girls to safety.
I'll take care of these guys.
Who the fuck called
the fucking bartender?
I got this.
I am the wifey, after all.
Ain't that right, honey?
Baby, I missed you so much.
(ENGINE REVVING)
How is she gonna capture
Krampus?
Well, she's his crazy ex,
right?
That must make her Mrs. Claus!
Come on!
Of all nights, you chose
tonight
to call in some bitches for fun?
No, no, no, no...
- Big surprise!
- It's not what it looks like.
You whimpering fool!
You failed me again!
I always stuck by you even
when your business failed
and we had to eat the reindeer.
Did I ever complain?
Never.
Don't you know what I've been
up to?
(LAUGHING MENACINGLY)
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Margaret, he's just drunk.
He's gonna be fine tomorrow,
don't...
Look, Margaret, I gotta,
hang on a second I got...
Goddamn it!
No, not you, Margaret.
Hold on.
Green, this is the sheriff.
Look, we haven't heard
from Sean in a while.
He went out to Santa Land.
I need you guys to get out
there, I'm a little bit worried.
Find out what the heck is going
on.
GREEN: Jesus Christ, Sean!
Get out there right now.
GREEN: Okay.
Good, thank you.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Jesus.
Margaret, hello?
(ALL PANTING AND CRYING)
SEAN: Come on!
ALEXI: What is this place?
(DOOR CLOSING)
(GASPING)
(SIREN BLARING)
(COUNTRY MUSIC)
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
Krampus!
(CHAIN RATTLING)
(ZAPPING)
Cherry, what have you done?
I was nobody to you and
nobody to the entire world.
You saw the way they portrayed
me.
Always at your side with a
plate of cookies to serve you.
Uh-uh-uh.
I was portrayed as fat, ugly and
old.
When we both know that I am
fucking hot!
I am cleansing the world of all
the little shits, naughty or
nice!
And guess what?
You can't do this!
They'll all think it was you!
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
SADIE: What's that noise?
It's, uh, rats.
It's probably just rats.
Big fucking rats or something.
Oh, my God, gross.
After everything we went
through rats are gross?
(THUMPING)
(SQUEAKING)
(SCREAMING)
SEAN: Hairy balls!
(OMINOUS MUSIC)
Why are you doing this?
To rewrite history my
way with a little help
from my (SNARLING) hairy
boyfriend.
(GROWLING)
(LAUGHING)
Oh, baby!
You were too busy spreading
love to the world.
(SANTA GAGGING)
Krampus, go get our sleigh.
We have work to do tonight.
(LAUGHING)
(SQUEAKING)
(SCREAMING)
(SNAPPING)
SEAN: Killer hairy balls!
(CHEWING)
(SQUEAKING)
(SNAPPING)
(SCREAMING)
(GUN FIRING)
(LAUGHING)
Sounds like it's feeding time.
Krampus!
(GRUNTING)
(GROWLING)
(SCREAMING)
(GUN FIRING)
We have to stop them.
Hurry!
She has my cane.
Mazel tov!
(WHOOSHING)
(THUDDING)
Get her off my sleigh,
she's not magical!
Go, go, go!
(WHACKING)
(LAUGHING)
Go, go, go!
Go, go, go!
(ROARING)
Yes!
(GUN FIRING)
(ROARING)
I'm so sorry.
But you're all connected.
(SLICING)
(THUDDING)
(SQUIRTING)
(CHERRY SCREAMING)
(EXPLODING)
(SIREN BLARING)
Sean, this way, come on!
Sean!
Sean!
Sean, are you alright?
What happened?
You wouldn't believe me if I
told you.
(GIRLS CRYING)
(TINKLING)
(GROWLING)
(SPOOKY JINGLING MUSIC)
(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)
Merry Christmas, bitches!
(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)
(FAST ROCK "DECK THE HALLS"
MUSIC)
Deck the halls with boughs of
holly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Tis the season to be jolly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Don we now our gay apparel
Fa la la, la la la, la la la
Troll the ancient Yule tide
carol
Fa la la la la, la la la la
See the blazing Yule before us
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Strike the harp and join the
chorus
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Follow me in merry measure
Fa la la la la, la la la la
While I tell of Yule tide
treasure
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Fa la la la la
Fa la la la la
Deck the halls with boughs of
holly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Tis the season to be jolly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Don we now our gay apparel
Fa la la, la la la, la la la
Troll the ancient Yule tide
carol
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Deck the halls with boughs of
holly
(CHILLING TECHNO MUSIC)
(FAST RAP MUSIC)
(TECHNO MUSIC)
(WHOOSHING)