Slayers (2022) Movie Script
1
Since the dawn of time...
there have been vampires.
Heil!
In fact...
humans, and vampires
have been secretly warring
for thousands of years.
But through the centuries,
they have always been...
out liars.
And then there's me.
Yup.
It ain't your classic
vampire tale
or one of the bullshit romances
with emo teen girls
and their heartthrob
douchebag boyfriends.
This one's about revenge.
Pure and simple.
Oh, yeah,
and these fucking idiots.
Stream Team, 29th of April.
Stream Team TV.
Me, Mario Lopez, in the cage.
I'm gonna fuck that
pussy-ass bitch.
Ooh Benji, you're so sexy
Give this girl a hot shack
Check it, juice cleanse.
Lemon, cayenne pepper, water.
That's it.
11, 12, come on, one more.
Hmm, tastes like shit.
Hey, Liz kids, it is official
the countdown to the wedding
has begun.
Today, with this stream,
I wanna share with you
a perfect look
for anyone's wedding.
Especially mine.
I'll see you there.
Like and subscribe.
Diamonds are a girl's
best friend
But they're not
what I choose
Hey, my Jullionaires.
I'm sharing my last bit
of surprise
before the party of the year.
That's right.
My favorite assholes,
Jack and Liz
are getting married.
JK.
I love them so much.
They're like family to me.
Everything you need
in an American dream
Is money, yeah
The money
Oh, nice try, Blake 3,
you come with that
lamb shit again,
I'll smear your whack
out of there,
all over this level.
Money, yeah, the money
You already know
Aren't you two supposed to be
getting married
in like six hours?
Okay, you know what,
it's not your wedding, Flynn.
It's ours.
It's fine. Just hear him out.
So, I got a call
from Steven Rektor's people.
Apparently, he and his wife
personally requested
the Stream a.k.a. you lucky fucks,
to come out to his retreat
in Mexico.
And chat about his huge
ambassador deal.
I'm talking millions.
That guy?
Steven motherfucking Rektor.
This shithead is a number one
on the kill list.
Unlike many of his nefarious
masters of the universe peers,
his secret that
Bernie fucking made off
his Ponzi scheme and...
and that Fyre Festival,
which I attended, by the way.
Looked like
humanitarian missions.
That's right, this dude,
and his perfect ice queen wifey.
I mean, what we're talking
about here is a path
to a healthier future.
Our trials have worked.
And once we release this
to the world,
and I do intend make this free
to every person
around the globe,
this will be my greatest legacy.
Bloodsucking beasts
in a long line mass
of mass murdering
fanged phantoms.
Waiting to pounce
with a product
that'll lead the lambs
right to the slaughter.
Steven Rektor's saving
the planet, Flynn.
David says all ten of his homes
are carbon neutral
and he donated like a cool
half billion
to the Amazon rainforests,
which we love.
Maybe he's not so terrible.
We help farmers grow
the food that grows a life.
We foster care for the young
and young at heart.
In a growing world
forever challenged
by mother nature
and the laws of uncertainty,
rest assured that
the good people
of Rektor Biotech
are looking out for your future.
Building a community,
a family
and a legacy
that will live on and on,
long after we're gone.
Rektor Biotech,
building a legacy
that will live on and on.
You know,
I didn't fight with you
about dating her.
Okay, I didn't have a shitfit
when you announced
your engagement publicly
without telling me.
But ah, Jack, I mean,
this is just...
this is too much.
Like, you're better than this.
I appreciate you caring.
But Flynn, honestly,
it's not that big a deal.
You know we can get married
anywhere, anytime.
- Anytime?
- Yeah.
You invited everyone
we know today.
And now, because she wants
to go after
some creepy billionaire's
wallet,
you're throwing out
your own wedding day.
I mean...
Uh, alright,
it's not that simple, okay.
You know, I've got
responsibilities now.
Ugh.
What is her fucking problem?
Doesn't she know
this could change our lives?
The deal is up on our house
in two months.
Maserati wants the cars back,
Liz's beauty kit didn't,
quite perform
- as well as we'd hoped.
- Ha!
Of course, it didn't.
Everything that she touches
turns to shit.
She's dragging you down, J...
- Alright, Flynn, stop.
- Cut her some slack.
- You need to give Liz a break.
- No, fuck that.
She's nothing but a gold digger
and I'm done hearing
your excuses for her.
Wow.
Hey, are you guys ready yet?
- Yeah.
- No!
Past that
Motherfucker, face it
I would never ever be...
Welcome to the wild west
of equal opportunity
mindfuckery, baby.
Courtesy of your favorite
mommy blogger.
Half-naked Insta model,
Facetune, Snapchatter
and semi-famous pop star,
and your TikTok.
But the way I see it,
this group of massively popular
shitheads,
might just be the key
to shutting down
the whole damn vampire kabong.
Fuck!
Pre-wedding,
super top secret mission
with the gang hashtag shh,
hashtag fun in the sun,
hashtag wifeyyy.
Can't believe my bff
is about to get married.
Hashtag party bus.
Hashtag SOS.
Hashtag we getting lit.
Hey, bye bye
to this pretty face, ladies.
Hashtag sexy.
Hashtag all for likes.
Hashtag bachelor.
Handsome playboy Insta famous.
Never stop keeping
Never stop keeping
Never stop keeping
Never stop keeping
We love you Stream Team!
Hey guys,
so you're probably wondering
what happened to the wedding?
We called it off?
Did Liz get cold feet?
Hell no.
No way, baby.
We're all good.
We're just on a super-secret
pre-wedding side mission.
Say hi, guys.
Say, what up?
- Whoo. What's up?
- Don't wanna play?
Okay, okay.
So, we're good
and we will check in
with you later.
Muah. Love you.
David, what the hell?
I thought you said this thing
had seamless Wi-Fi.
Well, it's working just fine
for me.
Same here, babe.
You probably just hit
a dead zone.
Ugh, man meat is being such
a whiny little bitch.
Who?
Jason. You know, my side thing.
"How could I leave without
saying goodbye?"
I swear, sometimes I really miss
toxic masculinity.
Hey, I'm still
toxically masculine.
What bitches, ho, what?
I thought Jason
was your boyfriend.
Boyfriend?
Don't get it twisted.
You said you were
gonna marry him!
I say a lot of things.
I think maybe
you're just looking for like
a Disney fantasy relationship
with a Prince Charming,
when maybe you need
to find patience
and some good in people
and get past your own fears.
Thank you,
but I really don't need
your heteronormative ideas
on romance.
Heteronormative?
Dude, I'm a lesbian.
Exactly. Shackled by labels.
- Yo David, where we at?
- Lost.
We're over an hour late
and the sun is going down.
Not my fault.
It's this Waze.
It keeps losing signal
and moving our location.
Oh, God, he seriously,
he just missed another turn.
Yeah, David, uh, one question.
Do you think you could manage
to get us there?
Shut up!
You guys are ruining
my concentration.
This ruin your concentration,
David?
- Like this...
- Ladies...
Oh, no...
David, does this ruin
your concentration?
It's not funny.
Come on.
Stop acting like kids.
Please, David, I'm so bored.
Yeah, guys, stop.
You can't drive, David. Really?
This is really important,
you guys.
Who the fuck is this guy?
Don't worry, I'll handle this.
Well, that's a terrible idea.
Well, he seems fun.
Shut up, he can hear you.
Jack, why don't you just go
tell him who we are.
Um, I don't think
he's gonna care.
Look, I'm gonna talk to him.
Just act cool, guys.
- I got this.
- Do you?
Hey, buddy.
Not your buddy.
Ah, okay. Hi.
Sir, how are you doing?
I'm Jack.
- Am I supposed to give a shit?
- Okay.
Hey, I am...
I love your sunglasses.
Are they vintage Ray-Ban?
Fuck off.
Okay, I think we're done.
You got no idea of how much
trouble you're in, do you?
Look, dude,
you came out of nowhere.
We didn't even hit you
and you're fine.
- What's your problem?
- My problem is you.
Turn around, get back
in your little party bus.
Flip a bit,
and get the fuck out of here.
Or, and I promise you,
you'll suffer.
Adult to adult,
you're kinda freaking us out.
Look, we're really sorry.
We just wanna pass through,
so...
If there's anything we can do,
uh, maybe you need,
uh, some extra money.
I mean if you wanted...
Oh, shit.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, hey, hey!
You've been warned.
Fucking kids.
They can't resist an invite
to act like
self-important assholes.
Perfect prey for evil predators
like Rektor.
Not to mention the temptation
of fame and money.
Now this I know too well.
Your dad's so lame.
Maybe if you didn't get a DUI,
we wouldn't have to use him
for a ride.
- What?
- I don't know.
Oh, my God, you're not about
to back out on this.
Don't you think
it's a little shady?
An older record label exec
inviting two teenagers
to his hotel room
for a meeting?
So he can listen to our demo,
Mol.
This is how it happens.
- What?
- Getting raped?
Molly and Alexx
from Surburban Trash.
Thought this was supposed to be
a listening party.
Are you tripping right now?
I'm tripping.
This shit is really happening,
girl.
Al? Alexx?
Al?
Jackpot, biatch!
Fuck you, dude.
You scared the crap
out of me.
What's your problem?
Something's off.
Stop being such a straightedge.
Just play the demo,
have a beer.
We'll set a mood.
Okay, now what?
We wait.
First off,
the hotel suite is not even
that nice.
But when you hear somebody
in the other room
speak in an ancient
double tongue
with one of them
low demonic filters on it
that you hear in every
Exorcist film...
you should probably
take the hint.
I'm Alexx,
lead singer of Suburban Trash.
Umm, and this is Molly,
the bassist.
We've had a few...
Oh, fuck.
Guess who?
I'm sorry, daddy,
I screwed up.
Where are you now?
Eleventh floor.
Honey?
Honey?
Just make it go away.
Every slayer needs
his own origin story.
Even your old buddy,
Elliot Jones.
Dad?
Sweetie, where...
where are you right now?
I'm sorry.
Hey, honey?
That night changed everything.
Some people mourn
like my ex-wife.
With a bunch of pills
and a new boyfriend
named Enrique.
But some search for the truth.
And in my case,
the truth had fangs.
And thus,
my new life began.
As bodies began to mount,
there was a pattern.
Folks being murdered,
more like harvested,
all had the same thing
in common,
their blood,
the rarest blood on earth.
Bloodline leading back
to these dumb fucks.
Jack?
- What's up?
- Look at this.
What is this,
from the Winnebago guy?
Yeah, what if he isn't
threatening us,
he was trying to warn us?
You've been warned.
Oh, with this?
Come on, calm down,
QAnon.
But you don't know anything.
What if...
what if this is legit?
Oh, my God.
You always think the worst.
Did it ever occur to you that
this might turn out to be
a good thing?
Holy shit,
Flynn, come here look.
Jack, Jack, come here,
you have to see this.
Come on.
Listen, I promise you,
it's gonna be fine, okay?
Oh, my God,
look, is that Harry Rektor?
That's Steven's nephew.
He has the most amazing animal
protection non-profit.
I think I might be in love.
- Hm-mm.
- What?
You told me to grow up.
Look.
Holy shit.
Now, that's cool.
You must be the Stream Team.
Guilty as charged.
Hmm.
Welcome to Rektor Manor.
Come on, come on.
I just,
I love it here already.
Hey, my Jullionaires.
We're gonna have
an exclusive look
inside Rektor Manor.
Is it true
there's a cryo chamber?
I love cryo.
Uh.
Look,
it's a little baby fetus.
Welcome, everyone.
We are so excited to have you
as our guests.
I'm Beverly Rektor.
You're iconic.
Oh, you're so sweet.
You must be Liz Anthony.
Queen of online shopping.
Which makes you,
Jack Chambers.
Hi.
King of YouTube.
Yeah.
And Jules Jay,
online social goddess.
Oh, I...
I wouldn't say goddess.
Why are people saying that
all the time?
No.
And you are...
David.
Great.
Flynn Chambers,
Twitch icon and pro gamer.
Am I right?
Uh, not exactly pro yet.
I hear you have an important
match this evening.
Yeah, it's the um,
Modern Warfare semi-finals.
Oh, I love that game.
- No shit.
- Yeah.
Mind if I watch you...
Mind if I watch you play?
Mind if I watch you?
Flynn?
Flynn?
You alright, honey?
Oh, just ignore her.
She's fine, seriously.
Ready to see the rest
of the compound?
Yes, please.
All of mankind is divided up
into two species.
Normis
and La Vampiro Nostra.
Syndicates and families
with different styles,
they're all after
the same thing.
Our fucking blood.
And this is our fitness center.
Any slayer work two shits
and a nickel knows a honeypot
when he sees one.
Hi.
Hey, aren't you that girl?
Am I?
You retweeted my call to action
to save the whales
to like seven million people.
That one thoughtful act really
made a difference,
especially to the whales.
What can I say?
I... I love Willy.
Free Willy.
The movie with the whales.
Harry Rektor.
Jules. Jules Jay.
You like to ride, Jules?
Excuse me?
Horses?
Oh, oh.
Yeah. Yeah, mhmm.
Yeah, I love horses.
Umm, ponies.
I really love all sizes.
Knock-knock.
- Hey, how's it going?
- Yeah, good.
How we doing in here?
How you doing, man?
I'm sorry,
I'm Jack Chambers.
- Is this girl bothering you?
- Fuck off.
Hey, you fuck off.
Although, actually I uh...
Oh, um...
Look at that.
That's so fun.
Uh, this has been great,
but we've gotta go.
We really have to go.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah, come on.
Dude, it was lovely meeting you.
Nice.
Yeah, okay.
Let's go, come on.
Hmm.
Meet me at the stables later
and we can take a ride.
Okay.
Yeah, for sure.
David Dean,
Stream Team manager.
Hi.
Hey David,
how's your wife?
Yeah, David,
where's your ring?
Yeah, isn't she pregnant
or something?
Okay, I get it.
Hey guys, it's Jules. And...
Look at 'em.
Ignoring all the signs.
Hey guys, what's up?
It's Jul... So weird.
Everybody but her.
What's wrong?
My post isn't uploading.
Oh, Beverly, I just got a ping
from downstairs.
They're ready for David.
Of course.
Business affairs would like to
go over some deal points.
Oh, yeah, great.
Separating the group
one by one.
That means Jack, Flynn, Liz,
Jules.
It's time for you to meet
Mr. Rektor.
Right this way.
Typical vampire
pack-hunting tactics.
You guys have this
without me?
Yeah, we got it.
This is where I leave you.
I'm sorry.
This is where you leave me?
Now this part I admit,
it's a bit of a mystery.
See yours truly is gonna use
a little creative license
and paint a picture.
Like that time in Miami
when a Cuban vamp syndicate
lured the bodyguard
of a Congressman to a penthouse.
The bastard never saw it coming.
David Dean,
Stream Team manager.
Which brings me back
to this idiot schmuck turd.
Uh, I was told to meet here
to go over the deal points.
Nah, that's not the right music.
Let's try this.
That's more like it.
Alright, I know
what you're thinking.
Why they don't just get to it
and waste this asshole?
I'll tell you.
It's a chemical thing.
They say the more anticipation
and fear
that the victim can experience
before the bloodletting,
makes the blood taste
even sweeter.
Jeez.
Fuck...
So, where is Steven?
Natalie didn't tell you?
Not yet.
Steven can't actually see you.
Excuse me?
My husband is in need of care
and he's only able to interact
in person with those
who have taken the vaccine.
Our vaccine.
So, without further ado.
Greetings, my friends.
I thank you for making
the journey
with such short notice.
Of course, sir.
We are massive fans.
- Yeah.
- We are?
I suppose you might be wondering
about Beverly and I
took such an interest
in your little outfit.
Definitely.
After a century
of infecting our planet
with greed, toxins,
and overpopulation,
the planet is fighting back.
The viruses won't stop.
They will continue to mutate.
So, we need to build
a new kind of human.
Stronger, immune.
True warriors.
And you all can be the match
that lights the fire.
Huh.
- Amazing.
- Really?
What my genius husband
is trying to say,
is that we think
you can help us promote
The Rektor Foundation's
new super vaccine
that can turn millions
of possible deaths
into something even more amazing
than just being alive.
Being totally immune
to everything.
And for your promotion
to your combined user base
of 55 million plus,
we're gonna pay you to the tune
of $15 million.
And that's just year one.
Holy shit.
Oh man, I got a lot of gold
Stack that bread of dominoes,
anything is possible
Yeah
I just, I just
I just want them bad,
I just want them bad
- Yeah
- Bad
I just want them bad,
I just...
- Uh, we're in.
- Yeah.
Nope.
Uh, um,
do you mind giving us a beat?
Of course.
Jesus, Flynn,
we're about to make millions
by saving the world.
How is it possible you can find
a problem with that?
She's got a point, sis.
But why us?
Uh, hello.
She literally just told us.
No way, they're...
they're hiding something, okay.
That's too much money.
It's too top secret.
That paper that
that guy gave me today...
No, no,
are you seriously talking
about the creepy guy
who threatened to kill us?
- Gross.
- Okay.
Yes, the amount
they're offering
- is weirdly high.
- I mean, we would have do...
we would have done this
for what?
Half a mil?
And also, where's David?
- He should be here, right?
- Yes.
Okay, seriously, Jack.
I can't with her.
You always side
with your sister.
What?
Look, she is not you're only
dependent anymore.
I'm your family now.
Come on, don't you trust
my instincts?
I'm sorry.
- Fuck this. I'm out.
- Flynn?
Jack, look,
just let her go, okay.
Let her go.
It's not about her.
This is about us.
Okay.
You built the Stream from the ground up.
You deserve this.
Okay.
Yeah, okay. Yeah.
Let's do this.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Now, before you sign,
there's just one more thing.
Times are changing
in our media empire.
And because of Steven's health
and none of our heirs
willing to take the reins,
we've been on the hunt
for new partners.
Not just to carry on the legacy
of our company,
but to reinvent it
for today's audience.
Jack, I've been
watching you for years.
You can do so much more
and with my power,
you'll be unstoppable.
Uh, I'm sorry.
Are you talking
about giving us your...
My company?
Yes.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
It's really happening, babe.
We're gonna be billionaires.
Babe.
Ahem.
Uh, no offense.
We are insanely flattered,
but um... why us?
It's simple math, really.
Our research shows
that you alone engage
with ten times more users
under the age of 25
than any other public figure
in the world.
I do?
Of course you do,
my handsome man.
Your 55 million followers
are just the beginning.
Combined with our network
capabilities,
they will expand to hundreds
of millions,
become the backbone
of consumer buyers,
controlling advertising spends,
political influence,
and world markets.
What we're proposing
is a trial merger.
See, how we feel about you
and your new role
as leader of our media group
and after six months,
we make it a little more formal.
It's a simple offer sheet.
David already looked it over.
- It's just...
- Oh, fuck.
Anything you see
or participate in
during this trial merger
stays between us.
It's like a formal family deal
before all the business stuff
gets ironed out.
Yeah.
You ready?
Uh... here we go.
Great.
- Oh, it's amazing.
- Yeah.
This is seriously the best day
of my life.
Well, I mean apart
from our wedding...
- Yeah.
- Of course.
What's up, my Jullionaires?
I'm getting ready for a date
with a real life cowboy.
So, if you have pro tips,
make sure to DM them to me
or comment down below
to impress him.
And I've also been using
Wewe Face Glow,
which is what's keeping me
glowing.
So, uh, for more info,
just check in the link above.
Or swipe up to see more.
Bye, guys.
Oh, Jesus.
What, is the deal off?
No, deal's very much on.
Then what's wrong?
Uh, there is something seriously
off about this place
and I want no part of it.
Okay.
Don't have a Flynn attack.
- Calm down.
- I'm calm.
I'm just telling you
I think we should go now.
What about your brother
and Liz?
They won't listen.
I think this shit's bad.
Okay, what if that guy
on the road earlier was right
and these people
aren't just greedy,
they're evil?
Evil, really?
That thing I read earlier said
Rektor's up to something.
And now they're offering us
all this crazy money
to help them promote it.
What kind of money?
Half a mil? Million?
Are they including me?
I'm serious.
- Are you coming with me or not?
- I would.
I really, really would
but um,
actually I have a date tonight.
Harry.
A date.
Oh, Flynn, come on.
No, no,
it's super cool.
No one believes me.
Everyone thinks
I'm just fucking nuts.
I guess I'll try to find
a signal somewhere
and see if I can catch an Uber
to go play my semi-final
deathmatch alone.
Okay, sorry.
Text me.
Good luck with your deathmatch.
You gotta be shitting me.
I can... unbelievable.
Merry Christmas, motherfuckers.
Shhh, shh.
Don't... don't move.
Sshh.
Don't scream.
- Get away from me.
- Shhh.
The feeding hour is upon us.
Their heightened senses means
they can see everything.
What the hell's the matter
with you, dude?
You can't just grab me.
You know what?
They had a valid fucking point.
You're the one
I should be scared of.
Not Rektor.
Put that mace down.
I'm trying to save you, Flynn.
How do you know my name?
I'll explain that later.
No, you're going to
explain it now
or I'm screaming.
We don't have time for this.
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
Where the hell are you going?
Hey!
You can't get a fucking signal
out here.
They only get a signal
when they want you to.
Hey?
Come with me now
before it's too late.
I don't need your help, old man.
Oh, I love this.
The smell is so authentic.
It's great.
Jules...
I'm waiting for you.
Harry?
Is that you?
Why don't you come this way,
little lady?
Shit.
Guys?
Guys?
Jack?
Liz?
Shit.
That's more like it.
Shit!
Fuck.
Calm down, you freak.
You're just letting Flynn
get into your head.
I uh, took the liberty
of trying the wine.
It's really good.
Is it biodynamic?
Jules?
Don't worry, cutie,
I'm coming for you.
Hello, Jules.
Oh, shit.
Listen, I'm not gonna
tell anyone
what you guys are up to.
I promise.
Just... just... just let me go.
That's not happening, Jules.
Okay. I thought
that you were a nice guy!
No, I ain't.
Why me?
You... you love animals.
Remember, the whales?
I love animals.
I just hate humans.
Jules!
You smell tender and juicy.
Aah!
Never trust a guy
with a man bun.
Jules!
Flynn! Flynn!
Don't fight the catch...
We have a connection.
- Jules!
- Flynn! Flynn!
Ah!
Lesson learned.
Never accept a date from a dude
with a man bun.
No. No, no, no, no.
No more swipes up for you,
sweetheart.
You have nowhere to run!
Looks like you needed my help
after all.
How did you...
Know you're gonna get
eaten alive?
Kind of, yeah.
You should come out with me.
I'll show you.
Really?
We're gonna do this shit again?
No, no, I'm coming. I just...
We have to save my brother, too.
Alright, we'll see. Come on.
Oh, wow.
This feels like...
Home?
Our 500 print and television
subsidiaries worldwide
make up 90 percent
of the global market.
By the end of the decade,
we plan to have acquired
- all of them.
- Sweet.
People, they call me,
heartless, a capitalist,
a gold digger.
And this of course one
of our many satellite locations,
where all data and imagery
are run through our algorithms
straight up to the cloud.
Sweet.
Algorithms are kind of my jam.
I just... I keep searching
for a sense of security
and I know that the second
I find it,
I'm gonna be a whole new person.
Well, I think you found it,
baby girl.
Come on.
We like to think
of our algorithm
as a giant filter
for all the world's facts,
narratives, and viewpoints.
You ready for some real fun?
Yes.
Oh, wow.
Whether you're moderate
or conservative
leftist, fascist, anarchist,
it doesn't matter to us.
My 1975 Halston.
Jackie Onassis wore it once
before I bought it.
Do you wanna try it on?
Heck yeah.
What's mine is yours.
Our ethos has always been,
why be a part
of the conversation,
when you could construct
the conversation itself?
Great question.
Sorry, was that a question?
Good eye.
This is some top secret shit
that I should not be
showing you.
Is it Botox?
This is the vaccine.
It's gonna heal the world.
Total immunity to everything.
Everything?
Just one little shot
and nothing will ever stop you.
Can I do it now?
No.
Oh.
But.
But?
Seeing that we're already
like family
and this is a momentous
occasion,
it feels right
to make an exception.
Now, if an ageless billionaire
has pulled you into a wardrobe,
inviting you to try
a secret serum in a syringe
from a creepy wooden box...
You ready to be
an untouchable queen?
Just say...
Yes.
Yes, please.
Wrong answer, sweetheart.
Hey, uh, thanks for the tour,
but I should probably
be heading back.
My sister
and my friends are probably
wondering about me.
Here we go.
You haven't even met
Mr. Rektor yet.
Oh, uh, oh, why,
is he around?
Welcome to the rest
of your life.
No shit.
I grew up pulling all-nighters
to watch re-runs of your show.
Catch A Criminal
with Elliot Jones.
If you're a criminal
preying on the innocent,
if you assault, rape,
and kill...
Aahhh!
We have a message for you.
Watch out.
Justice is back in town.
Ride alone with Elliot Jones
as he investigates,
pursues,
and brings down the darkest,
most elusive night stalking
predators on our streets.
Catch A Criminal
with Elliot Jones.
Making America safer.
Catch A Criminal
with Elliot Jones.
Thursdays at 9:00,
8:00 Central on BDN.
What happened to you?
My daughter, Molly,
she was...
she was murdered
in the hotel suite
of a record label executive.
So... there was a trial,
highly publicized search
for her killer
and all that bullshit.
That's what led to setting
the whole show in motion.
But it was all for her,
it was all for Molly.
I followed every clue
until it led me to the...
the owner of the record label.
Hmm.
Who also happened to be
the owner of the network
that paid for my show.
Steven Rektor.
Steven fucking Rektor.
This is our newest feature,
personally designed
by Mr. Rektor himself.
It's the latest
in immersive
audio-visual experiences.
What like VR?
Like nothing you've ever seen.
A lot of people think
that vampires is the stuff
of fairy tales, and novels,
and all that bullshit.
But little do they know
that Bram Stoker himself
was a vampire!
Making up lies to distract us
from the truth.
That the vampire illuminati
not only walks among us,
they've gamed our entire system,
our financial institutions.
We got shadow governments
making up laws
we don't even
fucking know about.
Massive media mergers,
algorithms, data mining
to control what people think.
While the police state
keeps us in line.
Now, we got a vaccine.
Yeah, all in the name
of healing the world
when it's really about keeping
our blood clean enough
for their consumption.
Rooting out the prey from
a super society of predators
who worship at the altar
of a vampire illuminati.
And that's the truth, baby.
Okay so, I just lie there.
Clothes on obviously, right.
No? Okay, I'm joking.
Alright.
Whoa, here we go.
Have fun.
Hello?
Hello, Jack.
Steven?
Cocksuckers, hang on a second.
Here we go.
Here we go.
The Omega Society.
It's the oldest
and most secretive society
on the planet.
It's more of a cult really.
Their origins date back
since before recorded history.
Want a smoke?
Uh, I... I vape.
Grow up.
Look, they lived off the blood
of small mammals until...
until they realized
that drinking human blood
would give them immortal life.
If they drank it often enough.
But it wasn't long
until us humans
started fighting back.
By the Middle Ages,
we had these motherfuckers
on the run.
Then, they came up
with a new tactic.
Fleeing their villages
in a mass migration.
And then reintegrating
into our society,
pretending... pretending,
mind you, to be one of us.
But they're weak.
They have a disease.
The whole family
has had a disease for 350 years.
And now Rektor's dying.
And he thinks you're the cure.
What do you mean cure?
Hunters way before me
have been documenting their kills
for centuries.
But there is one event
that changed everything.
During the Wrzberg
witch trials,
a young woman,
a leper was prayed over
by a powerful French cleric
Armand Jean du som...
something.
Said to be touched by God
Himself.
Anyway, puts his hands on her,
says a prayer, and boom,
she's healed.
Just like that.
True miracle.
Well, she healed so fast,
they thought she was a witch.
Decided to burn her at the stake
but the night
before her execution,
she had a visitor.
A vampire patriarch
brutally drained her
of every ounce of blood
in her frail body.
But her blood...
...it was special.
Infused by
the Holy Spirit himself
thanks to the cleric, you see.
She was given the divine gift
of life.
That will wreak havoc
on the dead.
Her name was lost through time,
but she was forever referred to
as the "Geist des Schicksals",
"the Ghost of Fate".
And through the centuries,
that infected bloodline
has run rampant
through the Rektor family
making each generation
shorter, and weaker,
and more desperate
than the ones before.
And now Steven Rektor thinks
that you and Jack are the cure.
Holy shit.
And hell, I think they're right!
My theory is that not only is
your blood the right type,
but you and Jack have
Rektor DNA.
Your great grandpa
Wilbur Chambers
married a Lydia Riechtor,
which could have been Rektor.
Vampires are changing
their fucking names
all the time,
That's why they're after you.
'Cause they think you and Jack
are part of the family.
So, we gotta go now.
- We're not ready.
- Why not?
We've gotta prepare.
I thought that's what
we've been doing.
I've been killing vamps
a long time, honey.
Steven Rektor,
that son of a bitch,
he ain't no ordinary vampire.
Nope.
He's a dark lord,
whose royal bloodline goes back
to the very beginning.
Now, you take him out,
you take out one of the biggest
vamp syndicates of all time.
I can't believe this is
my fucking life right now.
Okay. Rektor's birthday
as on record is 1921.
Now, a vampire's natural
lifespan is of course endless.
But no financial
or real estate records
ever show one vampire
ever living past
the century mark.
What does that mean?
It means after 100 years,
they simply vanish
into thin air.
So you're saying that Rektor
is near the...
expiration date.
But he's also immortal,
so what does that mean?
Vampires age and die
just like you and me.
But their spirit never does.
They simply move on
to a new host.
Somebody they feel can carry on
their legacy.
Yup, yup, that's Jack.
I've been waiting for you.
Wow, man.
You look so...
Real.
Yeah.
What... and dude, this place,
it's...
It's ah...
You know, it's strange,
it kind of reminds me of, um...
Winston's Bar and Grill?
Yeah.
Dude.
Oh, yeah, no.
Man, I... I used to work here.
I mean not here,
you know the... the real one.
Not virtual, but...
Yeah, no, I... I was the DJ.
I mean to be honest,
I was pretty fucking bad.
Umm, but this place is where
I made my first YouTube videos
with my roommate.
It's uh...
How did you know?
I know everything about you.
Your high school crush
to your first viral video.
The first million dollars
you ever made.
The day you met Liz
to the exact amount of money
in your checking account
right now.
Yeah. Oh, shit, uh...
You... about that,
umm, Mr. Rektor,
the reason that account
is so low is just because,
you know,
our overheads are so high.
Uh, but I can assure you
Stream Team's value
is still rocking high.
We don't care about all that.
Jack, everything you think
you know about the world,
it's all about to change.
You are about to change.
I am?
It's time for
your next evolutionary step.
Sorry, I...
I think I'm a bit confused.
Umm, when you say...
what do you mean...
Huh, what's going on?
Umm...
Hey guys, very funny.
I get it.
You know I thought this was
gonna be like a VR experience
on a beach,
you know or in space.
Something.
Can someone let me out of here,
please?
Oh, come on, okay.
Umm, okay, so, that was great.
I'm... I'm sorry, I...
I... I have to go.
It was...
it was nice meeting you guys,
but umm, listen, I'm sorry.
I uh, I... I really gotta go.
You're not going anywhere.
Sorry, Jack.
No, no, it's cool.
No need to apologize.
I'm just gonna let myself out.
It was nice meeting you guys.
Liz?
Hi.
Baby. Oh, my God, baby.
Baby.
Are you okay?
Never better.
Baby, we... we... we gotta go.
- Now.
- No.
- Why?
- Why?
We made it, baby.
No, no, we didn't.
This place is a fucking trap.
Baby, we gotta go.
Kiss me.
Now?
Kiss me.
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit.
You're one of them.
Eternal life, Jack.
Think about it.
We have more money, power,
and success
than we ever imagined.
It's the Holy Grail, Jack.
No, no, no, I'm sorry,
this is not okay.
I can't...
We can't be like these people.
We just need to get you
to a hospital.
You know, there's still time.
We can reverse this.
Oh, fuck fangs, oh, God.
Oh.
Ah.
Goodnight, Jack.
Let me out of here.
Oh, let's not be difficult here.
You should be grateful.
You're about to be a king,
and join the spirits
with the longest bloodline
in the world.
Please, I'm begging you.
There's been a mistake.
This isn't
what we signed up for.
Page six.
A full transference of all
of Steven and Beverly Rektor's
assets, including their own
personal DNA.
You did read the contract,
correct?
Look, whatever you're planning,
just find someone else, okay?
I'm... I'm not gonna tell anyone,
I promise.
We don't want anyone.
We chose you.
Chose me for what?
Welcome to the family.
What, no!
No, please. No.
Well, full transition,
less than an hour.
An hour?
I saw him like an hour ago.
That's why I'm saying
we should be going now.
These bastards are the most
vicious, the strongest,
fastest, most vile motherfuckers
on this planet.
The games are over, honey.
You walk in that house,
chances are
you'll get exsanguinated
in less than a minute
walking through the door.
Sounds fun.
Hey, I'm serious.
You gotta follow my lead.
Whatever it takes
to save my brother.
You know I always thought
I'd die alone.
It's nice to know
I got some company.
Always aim for the chest.
A wooden stake or a silver blade
through the heart,
are the only proven way
to kill these bastards.
How... how long have you been
killing these things for?
A long fucking time.
Come on.
Countermeasures,
always have 'em on you.
Crosses,
the fear of God slows 'em down.
But mine packs an extra punch.
Cute.
Holy water.
Only use this as a last resort
when shit really hits the fan,
okay?
And no self-respecting
vampire hunter
ever leaves home without
a pack of these babies.
Liquid garlic.
Explodes on contact
with any vamp scum.
Huh, vamp scum?
Yeah. What?
Nothing.
It's a cool nickname.
And last but sure as shit
not least,
there's the four-second rule.
Now, a typical vampire
just wants to drain your blood
and leave you for dead, right?
But if you get fangs in
with the dark Lord or his ilk,
you got exactly
four Mississippis to get 'em out
before you turn.
And if you do turn,
I got no choice,
but to stake your ass
to the grave.
Ditto.
Fat chance, kid.
We're close.
Anything else I should know?
Yeah, yeah, there is.
We're gonna do everything
we can to help your brother.
But there are thousands of lives
at stake here.
Now, we got three hours
till sunrise
and a lot of vampire ass to kick
between now and then.
So, are you ready?
Actually give me one second.
What the hell are you doing?
I may have missed
the semi-finals,
I'm gonna show the league
that I'm good enough to go pro.
You're filming this?
Got a problem with that?
Do I have a choice?
No, not really.
Alright, locked and loaded.
Holy crap, guys.
Flynn Chambers is back on live.
Oh, my gosh.
And it looks like she's in
a secret bunker with her dad.
That's not her dad.
Her dad died three years ago.
Let's just say it,
her outfit's pretty badass.
She looks like she can kill.
And the whole bow
and arrow thing
is very Fortnite 2019.
But she's bringing it back
and I'm here for it.
This stuff is
legit scary though.
We need to find out
who that guy is.
Yeah, for real.
That guy is mad sus.
Wait, look...
looks like she's starting.
Shhh.
Whoa, whoa.
Easy here, ladies.
Easy, girls.
Easy now.
A little help here!
A little help here!
Oh.
Nice reflexes there, lady.
Fuck you very much.
Here.
Rektor's close.
I can feel it.
So when we find Rektor,
how do we take him down?
Yeah, thanks for reminding me.
Are you fucking kidding me?
You insane?
When I said I'd alone,
I wasn't fucking.
There's no known way to kill
a Dark Lord or his queen.
I'm just looking for some way,
any way
to break the cycle
and in the transition
maybe save your brother.
Alright.
The simple fact is ain't nobody
ever done that
and lived to tell the tale.
Nobody but nobody
in a thousand years
has ever successfully taken down
the leader
of a vampire syndicate.
In fact, there's only been
three documented attempts.
First, is none other than the
inspiration for Dracula himself.
Vlad the Impaler.
A brutal leader who,
as legend has it,
dipped pieces of bread
in bowls of his victims' blood.
He staked their bodies
all over Eastern Europe.
But not documented,
Vlad was almost defeated
by a Bavarian goldsmith
named Syd the Shylock.
Trapped Vlad with the aid
of his cousin, Esther,
who well may be a whore.
And he fed him divine water
and garlic injections
for three weeks straight.
But one morning
when Syd left for town,
Vlad seduced Esther,
with the promise
of a real apple.
It was very rare those days.
And that was the end of Syd
and Esther and the last time
anybody ever saw
or heard of Vlad the Impaler.
And then there's Jack the
Ripper.
Most consider
the Welsh murderer,
the very first serial killer,
but while Scotland Yard
was desperate to catch Jack,
one detective,
Frederick George Abberline,
knew the truth.
Jack wasn't a serial killer.
He was the leader
of a Welsh vampire syndicate,
known as The Blood Prince.
And our friend Frederick almost
busted the entire ring.
Killed dozens of vamps
including several members
of Jack's own family.
But even with the most inventive
steampunk armory,
some of which
we still use today,
his tactics were no match
for the Ripper.
The Blood Prince
seduced Frederick
with the one thing
the detective always wanted,
dental surgery.
Which brings us to the Rektor's,
this creepy fucking bunker,
and our sorry asses.
Yeah, well, I'm not down
for a suicide mission, bro.
Okay, you're gonna need
to give me something else
to work with.
According to the great prophecy,
there's one way to kill
a Dark Lord,
and that's for him
to get fanged
by somebody
from his own blood order,
i.e. somebody that he himself
converted.
That right there is just
downright impossible, honey.
There has to be another way.
Now, you find that out.
And you let me know, okay.
Our guests have arrived.
Rektor's bodyguard.
Might be the only one that knows
where your brother is now.
Hey buddy, how you doing?
More coming to your way.
I bet you're wondering
why the big guy
didn't take us down?
Well, because he knows
and I know,
we're already dead.
Alright.
Are you ready for this?
Because things are about to go
from mildly nightmarish
to completely batshit
fucking crazy.
Hmm?
What do you think,
they're waiting for us?
What the fuck do you think?
All the shit we do for family.
Oh, my God.
That's the worst thing
I've ever seen.
All that blood for one vampire?
Not just one.
You see all them tube feeders?
Means this vamp ring
is a lot bigger than I thought.
Come on.
Oh, my God.
- Looks like a...
- Trap.
Jack?
Jack, Jack, come on.
Jack, look,
Jack, you have to wake up.
Please. Jack?
Stop.
Mr. Jones.
Welcome to the party.
Hello, bitch.
Flynn.
Hey, where is he, vamp scum?
He's been waiting for you.
Where is he?
Oh, I'm sorry,
was that a question?
'Cause I thought you knew
everything about us.
Try me.
Jesus, fuck.
They've been hiding his decline
for years.
That's Rektor?
Who did we speak to before?
Goddamn deepfake program.
Remember, trust nobody.
Believe nothing.
And this piece of shit,
it's been a long time coming,
you bloodsucking megalomaniac
shitfucker.
Now, huh,
we meet at last.
Well, not exactly.
You missed them
by about an hour.
We did?
Beverly Rektor
has safely transitioned
to her new host body.
What about this piece of shit?
Oh, well, Steven is somewhere
in transit,
as his host completes
his transfusion.
Once the royal blood is in,
it means the spirit can finally
bind the body.
It's the final step.
I'm sorry, darling.
No!
No fucking way.
He didn't know what he was
getting into, alright?
You can do whatever the hell
you want with her.
Stay the fuck away from
my brother.
Think they'll just kill
each other?
Have fun draining, Mr. Jones.
I'm gonna make sure the sister
stays in the family.
Holy shit.
They want you to be
the liaison.
It's a half-vampire,
half-human
bound to the do the bidding
of the king and queen, forever.
No.
That's not gonna happen.
I've always wanted to taste
someone's integrity.
Bring it, vamp scum.
That was easy.
Jesus!
Get the hell off me,
you fucking vamp.
Die, bitch.
Did she?
Am I?
Nah, you're good.
Alright,
let's shut this shit down.
Shall we?
I'm sorry, guys.
He's mine now.
Don't listen to her.
She's a queen now.
Not her true self.
No, no, that's Liz.
I'm gonna gut this bitch
once and for all.
Oh, sweetie, try me.
A little help here!
No!
Flynn!
Fucking queen,
don't let her get away!
- Press the blood.
- Where's the button?
Press the fucking blood.
Aahh...
The plan is not exactly simple.
Feeding Rektor back
his own royal blood
takes a lot of steps.
So, to make it clear,
for all you
YouTubing, TikToking
cocksuckers out there,
here are some tips.
Aaah! Help.
Oh, my God, Flynn.
Please get me out of this thing.
Come on.
Look.
Oh, God.
Ah, you thought I forgot.
So, the third
and perhaps the closest,
anybody's ever come
to busting a syndicate
happened in the afternoon
of November 24th in 1971.
A charismatic vamp
posing as an ad man
was well on his way
to manipulating the masses
through Madison Avenue
and forming a movement
to create large feeding areas
that would later become known
as discos.
But on his way to triumph,
he was double crossed
by a royal member
who was determined to use
this disco concept
for a long time dream
to become a popstar.
She sold out the ad man
to an elite group of slayers,
who staged a coup on a flight
from Portland to Seattle.
Sensing danger,
the now iconic bloodsucker,
otherwise known
by the name of D.B. Cooper
disappeared forever.
- Oh, fuck me!
- Oh.
Oh, God. Whoa.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, Flynn.
I'm so sorry,
you were right.
You were right about
all of it.
I know,
what else is new?
Please get me out of this thing.
- Come on.
- Uhhh.
Oh, my God.
- Are we too late?
- Oh, yeah.
Listen, you did
a pretty good job.
- Yeah.
- What about this?
Oh, yeah.
You got three minutes to get
your brother out of here.
Hey, it was pretty fun,
wasn't it?
Huh?
Not really.
It's alright.
Let's go.
It was nice meeting you again.
Hey, remember, trust nobody.
Believe nothing.
Flynn!
Come on, let's go.
It's vamp time.
I'll be loving you
Always
With a love that's true
Always
When the things you plan
Need a helping hand
I will understand
Always
Always
Days may not be fair
Always
Good show.
Elliot Jones did it.
Hoo, hoo!
So, if you're ever invited
to an exclusive party
that you have no business
being in
or offered
a business opportunity
that is too good to be true.
Or you meet
an impeccably-dressed
handsome billionaire
who has a Red Room,
you need to ask yourself,
"Am I the prey
or the predator?"
And "Do I have what it takes
to be a motherfucking slayer?"
I am your master
Now sign your name
I am your master
Now sign your name
I am your master
Now sign your name
I am your master
Now sign your name
Is there a fighting
machine gun
Faster than a running horse?
Do you have the ways
to do by me
Half a man, half a beast
I am your master
Now sign your name
I am your master
Now sign your name
Turn in your name
Branded by a fighting
machine gun
Faster than a running horse
Do you the ways to do by me
Half a man, half a beast
I am your master
Now sign your name
I am your master
Now sign your name
Never stop keeping
I know a lot of you
have questions.
I definitely do.
Like is this a new promo
for a new vampire movie?
If it's so, what's the name?
And I guess Jules finally
quit the business.
And when is Liz's new nail kit
coming out?
'Cause this bitch
definitely needs it.
Sophie,
what's our news for today?
Okay, guys,
so I listen to MPR
and basically, everyone went
missing from the compound.
And there are serious reports
of foul play.
What's MPR, girl?
idiot.
So today our plan
is to look back
from the live streams and posts
from the past few days.
But before we do that,
I gotta give a big shout-out
to our sponsor, LIT.
It's a new deodorant
for dudes like me and you.
Also don't forget to subscribe.
What about my sweatshirt
sponsorship?
- No one cares about that.
- No one cares.
But... but this.
Since the dawn of time...
there have been vampires.
Heil!
In fact...
humans, and vampires
have been secretly warring
for thousands of years.
But through the centuries,
they have always been...
out liars.
And then there's me.
Yup.
It ain't your classic
vampire tale
or one of the bullshit romances
with emo teen girls
and their heartthrob
douchebag boyfriends.
This one's about revenge.
Pure and simple.
Oh, yeah,
and these fucking idiots.
Stream Team, 29th of April.
Stream Team TV.
Me, Mario Lopez, in the cage.
I'm gonna fuck that
pussy-ass bitch.
Ooh Benji, you're so sexy
Give this girl a hot shack
Check it, juice cleanse.
Lemon, cayenne pepper, water.
That's it.
11, 12, come on, one more.
Hmm, tastes like shit.
Hey, Liz kids, it is official
the countdown to the wedding
has begun.
Today, with this stream,
I wanna share with you
a perfect look
for anyone's wedding.
Especially mine.
I'll see you there.
Like and subscribe.
Diamonds are a girl's
best friend
But they're not
what I choose
Hey, my Jullionaires.
I'm sharing my last bit
of surprise
before the party of the year.
That's right.
My favorite assholes,
Jack and Liz
are getting married.
JK.
I love them so much.
They're like family to me.
Everything you need
in an American dream
Is money, yeah
The money
Oh, nice try, Blake 3,
you come with that
lamb shit again,
I'll smear your whack
out of there,
all over this level.
Money, yeah, the money
You already know
Aren't you two supposed to be
getting married
in like six hours?
Okay, you know what,
it's not your wedding, Flynn.
It's ours.
It's fine. Just hear him out.
So, I got a call
from Steven Rektor's people.
Apparently, he and his wife
personally requested
the Stream a.k.a. you lucky fucks,
to come out to his retreat
in Mexico.
And chat about his huge
ambassador deal.
I'm talking millions.
That guy?
Steven motherfucking Rektor.
This shithead is a number one
on the kill list.
Unlike many of his nefarious
masters of the universe peers,
his secret that
Bernie fucking made off
his Ponzi scheme and...
and that Fyre Festival,
which I attended, by the way.
Looked like
humanitarian missions.
That's right, this dude,
and his perfect ice queen wifey.
I mean, what we're talking
about here is a path
to a healthier future.
Our trials have worked.
And once we release this
to the world,
and I do intend make this free
to every person
around the globe,
this will be my greatest legacy.
Bloodsucking beasts
in a long line mass
of mass murdering
fanged phantoms.
Waiting to pounce
with a product
that'll lead the lambs
right to the slaughter.
Steven Rektor's saving
the planet, Flynn.
David says all ten of his homes
are carbon neutral
and he donated like a cool
half billion
to the Amazon rainforests,
which we love.
Maybe he's not so terrible.
We help farmers grow
the food that grows a life.
We foster care for the young
and young at heart.
In a growing world
forever challenged
by mother nature
and the laws of uncertainty,
rest assured that
the good people
of Rektor Biotech
are looking out for your future.
Building a community,
a family
and a legacy
that will live on and on,
long after we're gone.
Rektor Biotech,
building a legacy
that will live on and on.
You know,
I didn't fight with you
about dating her.
Okay, I didn't have a shitfit
when you announced
your engagement publicly
without telling me.
But ah, Jack, I mean,
this is just...
this is too much.
Like, you're better than this.
I appreciate you caring.
But Flynn, honestly,
it's not that big a deal.
You know we can get married
anywhere, anytime.
- Anytime?
- Yeah.
You invited everyone
we know today.
And now, because she wants
to go after
some creepy billionaire's
wallet,
you're throwing out
your own wedding day.
I mean...
Uh, alright,
it's not that simple, okay.
You know, I've got
responsibilities now.
Ugh.
What is her fucking problem?
Doesn't she know
this could change our lives?
The deal is up on our house
in two months.
Maserati wants the cars back,
Liz's beauty kit didn't,
quite perform
- as well as we'd hoped.
- Ha!
Of course, it didn't.
Everything that she touches
turns to shit.
She's dragging you down, J...
- Alright, Flynn, stop.
- Cut her some slack.
- You need to give Liz a break.
- No, fuck that.
She's nothing but a gold digger
and I'm done hearing
your excuses for her.
Wow.
Hey, are you guys ready yet?
- Yeah.
- No!
Past that
Motherfucker, face it
I would never ever be...
Welcome to the wild west
of equal opportunity
mindfuckery, baby.
Courtesy of your favorite
mommy blogger.
Half-naked Insta model,
Facetune, Snapchatter
and semi-famous pop star,
and your TikTok.
But the way I see it,
this group of massively popular
shitheads,
might just be the key
to shutting down
the whole damn vampire kabong.
Fuck!
Pre-wedding,
super top secret mission
with the gang hashtag shh,
hashtag fun in the sun,
hashtag wifeyyy.
Can't believe my bff
is about to get married.
Hashtag party bus.
Hashtag SOS.
Hashtag we getting lit.
Hey, bye bye
to this pretty face, ladies.
Hashtag sexy.
Hashtag all for likes.
Hashtag bachelor.
Handsome playboy Insta famous.
Never stop keeping
Never stop keeping
Never stop keeping
Never stop keeping
We love you Stream Team!
Hey guys,
so you're probably wondering
what happened to the wedding?
We called it off?
Did Liz get cold feet?
Hell no.
No way, baby.
We're all good.
We're just on a super-secret
pre-wedding side mission.
Say hi, guys.
Say, what up?
- Whoo. What's up?
- Don't wanna play?
Okay, okay.
So, we're good
and we will check in
with you later.
Muah. Love you.
David, what the hell?
I thought you said this thing
had seamless Wi-Fi.
Well, it's working just fine
for me.
Same here, babe.
You probably just hit
a dead zone.
Ugh, man meat is being such
a whiny little bitch.
Who?
Jason. You know, my side thing.
"How could I leave without
saying goodbye?"
I swear, sometimes I really miss
toxic masculinity.
Hey, I'm still
toxically masculine.
What bitches, ho, what?
I thought Jason
was your boyfriend.
Boyfriend?
Don't get it twisted.
You said you were
gonna marry him!
I say a lot of things.
I think maybe
you're just looking for like
a Disney fantasy relationship
with a Prince Charming,
when maybe you need
to find patience
and some good in people
and get past your own fears.
Thank you,
but I really don't need
your heteronormative ideas
on romance.
Heteronormative?
Dude, I'm a lesbian.
Exactly. Shackled by labels.
- Yo David, where we at?
- Lost.
We're over an hour late
and the sun is going down.
Not my fault.
It's this Waze.
It keeps losing signal
and moving our location.
Oh, God, he seriously,
he just missed another turn.
Yeah, David, uh, one question.
Do you think you could manage
to get us there?
Shut up!
You guys are ruining
my concentration.
This ruin your concentration,
David?
- Like this...
- Ladies...
Oh, no...
David, does this ruin
your concentration?
It's not funny.
Come on.
Stop acting like kids.
Please, David, I'm so bored.
Yeah, guys, stop.
You can't drive, David. Really?
This is really important,
you guys.
Who the fuck is this guy?
Don't worry, I'll handle this.
Well, that's a terrible idea.
Well, he seems fun.
Shut up, he can hear you.
Jack, why don't you just go
tell him who we are.
Um, I don't think
he's gonna care.
Look, I'm gonna talk to him.
Just act cool, guys.
- I got this.
- Do you?
Hey, buddy.
Not your buddy.
Ah, okay. Hi.
Sir, how are you doing?
I'm Jack.
- Am I supposed to give a shit?
- Okay.
Hey, I am...
I love your sunglasses.
Are they vintage Ray-Ban?
Fuck off.
Okay, I think we're done.
You got no idea of how much
trouble you're in, do you?
Look, dude,
you came out of nowhere.
We didn't even hit you
and you're fine.
- What's your problem?
- My problem is you.
Turn around, get back
in your little party bus.
Flip a bit,
and get the fuck out of here.
Or, and I promise you,
you'll suffer.
Adult to adult,
you're kinda freaking us out.
Look, we're really sorry.
We just wanna pass through,
so...
If there's anything we can do,
uh, maybe you need,
uh, some extra money.
I mean if you wanted...
Oh, shit.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, hey, hey!
You've been warned.
Fucking kids.
They can't resist an invite
to act like
self-important assholes.
Perfect prey for evil predators
like Rektor.
Not to mention the temptation
of fame and money.
Now this I know too well.
Your dad's so lame.
Maybe if you didn't get a DUI,
we wouldn't have to use him
for a ride.
- What?
- I don't know.
Oh, my God, you're not about
to back out on this.
Don't you think
it's a little shady?
An older record label exec
inviting two teenagers
to his hotel room
for a meeting?
So he can listen to our demo,
Mol.
This is how it happens.
- What?
- Getting raped?
Molly and Alexx
from Surburban Trash.
Thought this was supposed to be
a listening party.
Are you tripping right now?
I'm tripping.
This shit is really happening,
girl.
Al? Alexx?
Al?
Jackpot, biatch!
Fuck you, dude.
You scared the crap
out of me.
What's your problem?
Something's off.
Stop being such a straightedge.
Just play the demo,
have a beer.
We'll set a mood.
Okay, now what?
We wait.
First off,
the hotel suite is not even
that nice.
But when you hear somebody
in the other room
speak in an ancient
double tongue
with one of them
low demonic filters on it
that you hear in every
Exorcist film...
you should probably
take the hint.
I'm Alexx,
lead singer of Suburban Trash.
Umm, and this is Molly,
the bassist.
We've had a few...
Oh, fuck.
Guess who?
I'm sorry, daddy,
I screwed up.
Where are you now?
Eleventh floor.
Honey?
Honey?
Just make it go away.
Every slayer needs
his own origin story.
Even your old buddy,
Elliot Jones.
Dad?
Sweetie, where...
where are you right now?
I'm sorry.
Hey, honey?
That night changed everything.
Some people mourn
like my ex-wife.
With a bunch of pills
and a new boyfriend
named Enrique.
But some search for the truth.
And in my case,
the truth had fangs.
And thus,
my new life began.
As bodies began to mount,
there was a pattern.
Folks being murdered,
more like harvested,
all had the same thing
in common,
their blood,
the rarest blood on earth.
Bloodline leading back
to these dumb fucks.
Jack?
- What's up?
- Look at this.
What is this,
from the Winnebago guy?
Yeah, what if he isn't
threatening us,
he was trying to warn us?
You've been warned.
Oh, with this?
Come on, calm down,
QAnon.
But you don't know anything.
What if...
what if this is legit?
Oh, my God.
You always think the worst.
Did it ever occur to you that
this might turn out to be
a good thing?
Holy shit,
Flynn, come here look.
Jack, Jack, come here,
you have to see this.
Come on.
Listen, I promise you,
it's gonna be fine, okay?
Oh, my God,
look, is that Harry Rektor?
That's Steven's nephew.
He has the most amazing animal
protection non-profit.
I think I might be in love.
- Hm-mm.
- What?
You told me to grow up.
Look.
Holy shit.
Now, that's cool.
You must be the Stream Team.
Guilty as charged.
Hmm.
Welcome to Rektor Manor.
Come on, come on.
I just,
I love it here already.
Hey, my Jullionaires.
We're gonna have
an exclusive look
inside Rektor Manor.
Is it true
there's a cryo chamber?
I love cryo.
Uh.
Look,
it's a little baby fetus.
Welcome, everyone.
We are so excited to have you
as our guests.
I'm Beverly Rektor.
You're iconic.
Oh, you're so sweet.
You must be Liz Anthony.
Queen of online shopping.
Which makes you,
Jack Chambers.
Hi.
King of YouTube.
Yeah.
And Jules Jay,
online social goddess.
Oh, I...
I wouldn't say goddess.
Why are people saying that
all the time?
No.
And you are...
David.
Great.
Flynn Chambers,
Twitch icon and pro gamer.
Am I right?
Uh, not exactly pro yet.
I hear you have an important
match this evening.
Yeah, it's the um,
Modern Warfare semi-finals.
Oh, I love that game.
- No shit.
- Yeah.
Mind if I watch you...
Mind if I watch you play?
Mind if I watch you?
Flynn?
Flynn?
You alright, honey?
Oh, just ignore her.
She's fine, seriously.
Ready to see the rest
of the compound?
Yes, please.
All of mankind is divided up
into two species.
Normis
and La Vampiro Nostra.
Syndicates and families
with different styles,
they're all after
the same thing.
Our fucking blood.
And this is our fitness center.
Any slayer work two shits
and a nickel knows a honeypot
when he sees one.
Hi.
Hey, aren't you that girl?
Am I?
You retweeted my call to action
to save the whales
to like seven million people.
That one thoughtful act really
made a difference,
especially to the whales.
What can I say?
I... I love Willy.
Free Willy.
The movie with the whales.
Harry Rektor.
Jules. Jules Jay.
You like to ride, Jules?
Excuse me?
Horses?
Oh, oh.
Yeah. Yeah, mhmm.
Yeah, I love horses.
Umm, ponies.
I really love all sizes.
Knock-knock.
- Hey, how's it going?
- Yeah, good.
How we doing in here?
How you doing, man?
I'm sorry,
I'm Jack Chambers.
- Is this girl bothering you?
- Fuck off.
Hey, you fuck off.
Although, actually I uh...
Oh, um...
Look at that.
That's so fun.
Uh, this has been great,
but we've gotta go.
We really have to go.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah, come on.
Dude, it was lovely meeting you.
Nice.
Yeah, okay.
Let's go, come on.
Hmm.
Meet me at the stables later
and we can take a ride.
Okay.
Yeah, for sure.
David Dean,
Stream Team manager.
Hi.
Hey David,
how's your wife?
Yeah, David,
where's your ring?
Yeah, isn't she pregnant
or something?
Okay, I get it.
Hey guys, it's Jules. And...
Look at 'em.
Ignoring all the signs.
Hey guys, what's up?
It's Jul... So weird.
Everybody but her.
What's wrong?
My post isn't uploading.
Oh, Beverly, I just got a ping
from downstairs.
They're ready for David.
Of course.
Business affairs would like to
go over some deal points.
Oh, yeah, great.
Separating the group
one by one.
That means Jack, Flynn, Liz,
Jules.
It's time for you to meet
Mr. Rektor.
Right this way.
Typical vampire
pack-hunting tactics.
You guys have this
without me?
Yeah, we got it.
This is where I leave you.
I'm sorry.
This is where you leave me?
Now this part I admit,
it's a bit of a mystery.
See yours truly is gonna use
a little creative license
and paint a picture.
Like that time in Miami
when a Cuban vamp syndicate
lured the bodyguard
of a Congressman to a penthouse.
The bastard never saw it coming.
David Dean,
Stream Team manager.
Which brings me back
to this idiot schmuck turd.
Uh, I was told to meet here
to go over the deal points.
Nah, that's not the right music.
Let's try this.
That's more like it.
Alright, I know
what you're thinking.
Why they don't just get to it
and waste this asshole?
I'll tell you.
It's a chemical thing.
They say the more anticipation
and fear
that the victim can experience
before the bloodletting,
makes the blood taste
even sweeter.
Jeez.
Fuck...
So, where is Steven?
Natalie didn't tell you?
Not yet.
Steven can't actually see you.
Excuse me?
My husband is in need of care
and he's only able to interact
in person with those
who have taken the vaccine.
Our vaccine.
So, without further ado.
Greetings, my friends.
I thank you for making
the journey
with such short notice.
Of course, sir.
We are massive fans.
- Yeah.
- We are?
I suppose you might be wondering
about Beverly and I
took such an interest
in your little outfit.
Definitely.
After a century
of infecting our planet
with greed, toxins,
and overpopulation,
the planet is fighting back.
The viruses won't stop.
They will continue to mutate.
So, we need to build
a new kind of human.
Stronger, immune.
True warriors.
And you all can be the match
that lights the fire.
Huh.
- Amazing.
- Really?
What my genius husband
is trying to say,
is that we think
you can help us promote
The Rektor Foundation's
new super vaccine
that can turn millions
of possible deaths
into something even more amazing
than just being alive.
Being totally immune
to everything.
And for your promotion
to your combined user base
of 55 million plus,
we're gonna pay you to the tune
of $15 million.
And that's just year one.
Holy shit.
Oh man, I got a lot of gold
Stack that bread of dominoes,
anything is possible
Yeah
I just, I just
I just want them bad,
I just want them bad
- Yeah
- Bad
I just want them bad,
I just...
- Uh, we're in.
- Yeah.
Nope.
Uh, um,
do you mind giving us a beat?
Of course.
Jesus, Flynn,
we're about to make millions
by saving the world.
How is it possible you can find
a problem with that?
She's got a point, sis.
But why us?
Uh, hello.
She literally just told us.
No way, they're...
they're hiding something, okay.
That's too much money.
It's too top secret.
That paper that
that guy gave me today...
No, no,
are you seriously talking
about the creepy guy
who threatened to kill us?
- Gross.
- Okay.
Yes, the amount
they're offering
- is weirdly high.
- I mean, we would have do...
we would have done this
for what?
Half a mil?
And also, where's David?
- He should be here, right?
- Yes.
Okay, seriously, Jack.
I can't with her.
You always side
with your sister.
What?
Look, she is not you're only
dependent anymore.
I'm your family now.
Come on, don't you trust
my instincts?
I'm sorry.
- Fuck this. I'm out.
- Flynn?
Jack, look,
just let her go, okay.
Let her go.
It's not about her.
This is about us.
Okay.
You built the Stream from the ground up.
You deserve this.
Okay.
Yeah, okay. Yeah.
Let's do this.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Now, before you sign,
there's just one more thing.
Times are changing
in our media empire.
And because of Steven's health
and none of our heirs
willing to take the reins,
we've been on the hunt
for new partners.
Not just to carry on the legacy
of our company,
but to reinvent it
for today's audience.
Jack, I've been
watching you for years.
You can do so much more
and with my power,
you'll be unstoppable.
Uh, I'm sorry.
Are you talking
about giving us your...
My company?
Yes.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
It's really happening, babe.
We're gonna be billionaires.
Babe.
Ahem.
Uh, no offense.
We are insanely flattered,
but um... why us?
It's simple math, really.
Our research shows
that you alone engage
with ten times more users
under the age of 25
than any other public figure
in the world.
I do?
Of course you do,
my handsome man.
Your 55 million followers
are just the beginning.
Combined with our network
capabilities,
they will expand to hundreds
of millions,
become the backbone
of consumer buyers,
controlling advertising spends,
political influence,
and world markets.
What we're proposing
is a trial merger.
See, how we feel about you
and your new role
as leader of our media group
and after six months,
we make it a little more formal.
It's a simple offer sheet.
David already looked it over.
- It's just...
- Oh, fuck.
Anything you see
or participate in
during this trial merger
stays between us.
It's like a formal family deal
before all the business stuff
gets ironed out.
Yeah.
You ready?
Uh... here we go.
Great.
- Oh, it's amazing.
- Yeah.
This is seriously the best day
of my life.
Well, I mean apart
from our wedding...
- Yeah.
- Of course.
What's up, my Jullionaires?
I'm getting ready for a date
with a real life cowboy.
So, if you have pro tips,
make sure to DM them to me
or comment down below
to impress him.
And I've also been using
Wewe Face Glow,
which is what's keeping me
glowing.
So, uh, for more info,
just check in the link above.
Or swipe up to see more.
Bye, guys.
Oh, Jesus.
What, is the deal off?
No, deal's very much on.
Then what's wrong?
Uh, there is something seriously
off about this place
and I want no part of it.
Okay.
Don't have a Flynn attack.
- Calm down.
- I'm calm.
I'm just telling you
I think we should go now.
What about your brother
and Liz?
They won't listen.
I think this shit's bad.
Okay, what if that guy
on the road earlier was right
and these people
aren't just greedy,
they're evil?
Evil, really?
That thing I read earlier said
Rektor's up to something.
And now they're offering us
all this crazy money
to help them promote it.
What kind of money?
Half a mil? Million?
Are they including me?
I'm serious.
- Are you coming with me or not?
- I would.
I really, really would
but um,
actually I have a date tonight.
Harry.
A date.
Oh, Flynn, come on.
No, no,
it's super cool.
No one believes me.
Everyone thinks
I'm just fucking nuts.
I guess I'll try to find
a signal somewhere
and see if I can catch an Uber
to go play my semi-final
deathmatch alone.
Okay, sorry.
Text me.
Good luck with your deathmatch.
You gotta be shitting me.
I can... unbelievable.
Merry Christmas, motherfuckers.
Shhh, shh.
Don't... don't move.
Sshh.
Don't scream.
- Get away from me.
- Shhh.
The feeding hour is upon us.
Their heightened senses means
they can see everything.
What the hell's the matter
with you, dude?
You can't just grab me.
You know what?
They had a valid fucking point.
You're the one
I should be scared of.
Not Rektor.
Put that mace down.
I'm trying to save you, Flynn.
How do you know my name?
I'll explain that later.
No, you're going to
explain it now
or I'm screaming.
We don't have time for this.
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
Where the hell are you going?
Hey!
You can't get a fucking signal
out here.
They only get a signal
when they want you to.
Hey?
Come with me now
before it's too late.
I don't need your help, old man.
Oh, I love this.
The smell is so authentic.
It's great.
Jules...
I'm waiting for you.
Harry?
Is that you?
Why don't you come this way,
little lady?
Shit.
Guys?
Guys?
Jack?
Liz?
Shit.
That's more like it.
Shit!
Fuck.
Calm down, you freak.
You're just letting Flynn
get into your head.
I uh, took the liberty
of trying the wine.
It's really good.
Is it biodynamic?
Jules?
Don't worry, cutie,
I'm coming for you.
Hello, Jules.
Oh, shit.
Listen, I'm not gonna
tell anyone
what you guys are up to.
I promise.
Just... just... just let me go.
That's not happening, Jules.
Okay. I thought
that you were a nice guy!
No, I ain't.
Why me?
You... you love animals.
Remember, the whales?
I love animals.
I just hate humans.
Jules!
You smell tender and juicy.
Aah!
Never trust a guy
with a man bun.
Jules!
Flynn! Flynn!
Don't fight the catch...
We have a connection.
- Jules!
- Flynn! Flynn!
Ah!
Lesson learned.
Never accept a date from a dude
with a man bun.
No. No, no, no, no.
No more swipes up for you,
sweetheart.
You have nowhere to run!
Looks like you needed my help
after all.
How did you...
Know you're gonna get
eaten alive?
Kind of, yeah.
You should come out with me.
I'll show you.
Really?
We're gonna do this shit again?
No, no, I'm coming. I just...
We have to save my brother, too.
Alright, we'll see. Come on.
Oh, wow.
This feels like...
Home?
Our 500 print and television
subsidiaries worldwide
make up 90 percent
of the global market.
By the end of the decade,
we plan to have acquired
- all of them.
- Sweet.
People, they call me,
heartless, a capitalist,
a gold digger.
And this of course one
of our many satellite locations,
where all data and imagery
are run through our algorithms
straight up to the cloud.
Sweet.
Algorithms are kind of my jam.
I just... I keep searching
for a sense of security
and I know that the second
I find it,
I'm gonna be a whole new person.
Well, I think you found it,
baby girl.
Come on.
We like to think
of our algorithm
as a giant filter
for all the world's facts,
narratives, and viewpoints.
You ready for some real fun?
Yes.
Oh, wow.
Whether you're moderate
or conservative
leftist, fascist, anarchist,
it doesn't matter to us.
My 1975 Halston.
Jackie Onassis wore it once
before I bought it.
Do you wanna try it on?
Heck yeah.
What's mine is yours.
Our ethos has always been,
why be a part
of the conversation,
when you could construct
the conversation itself?
Great question.
Sorry, was that a question?
Good eye.
This is some top secret shit
that I should not be
showing you.
Is it Botox?
This is the vaccine.
It's gonna heal the world.
Total immunity to everything.
Everything?
Just one little shot
and nothing will ever stop you.
Can I do it now?
No.
Oh.
But.
But?
Seeing that we're already
like family
and this is a momentous
occasion,
it feels right
to make an exception.
Now, if an ageless billionaire
has pulled you into a wardrobe,
inviting you to try
a secret serum in a syringe
from a creepy wooden box...
You ready to be
an untouchable queen?
Just say...
Yes.
Yes, please.
Wrong answer, sweetheart.
Hey, uh, thanks for the tour,
but I should probably
be heading back.
My sister
and my friends are probably
wondering about me.
Here we go.
You haven't even met
Mr. Rektor yet.
Oh, uh, oh, why,
is he around?
Welcome to the rest
of your life.
No shit.
I grew up pulling all-nighters
to watch re-runs of your show.
Catch A Criminal
with Elliot Jones.
If you're a criminal
preying on the innocent,
if you assault, rape,
and kill...
Aahhh!
We have a message for you.
Watch out.
Justice is back in town.
Ride alone with Elliot Jones
as he investigates,
pursues,
and brings down the darkest,
most elusive night stalking
predators on our streets.
Catch A Criminal
with Elliot Jones.
Making America safer.
Catch A Criminal
with Elliot Jones.
Thursdays at 9:00,
8:00 Central on BDN.
What happened to you?
My daughter, Molly,
she was...
she was murdered
in the hotel suite
of a record label executive.
So... there was a trial,
highly publicized search
for her killer
and all that bullshit.
That's what led to setting
the whole show in motion.
But it was all for her,
it was all for Molly.
I followed every clue
until it led me to the...
the owner of the record label.
Hmm.
Who also happened to be
the owner of the network
that paid for my show.
Steven Rektor.
Steven fucking Rektor.
This is our newest feature,
personally designed
by Mr. Rektor himself.
It's the latest
in immersive
audio-visual experiences.
What like VR?
Like nothing you've ever seen.
A lot of people think
that vampires is the stuff
of fairy tales, and novels,
and all that bullshit.
But little do they know
that Bram Stoker himself
was a vampire!
Making up lies to distract us
from the truth.
That the vampire illuminati
not only walks among us,
they've gamed our entire system,
our financial institutions.
We got shadow governments
making up laws
we don't even
fucking know about.
Massive media mergers,
algorithms, data mining
to control what people think.
While the police state
keeps us in line.
Now, we got a vaccine.
Yeah, all in the name
of healing the world
when it's really about keeping
our blood clean enough
for their consumption.
Rooting out the prey from
a super society of predators
who worship at the altar
of a vampire illuminati.
And that's the truth, baby.
Okay so, I just lie there.
Clothes on obviously, right.
No? Okay, I'm joking.
Alright.
Whoa, here we go.
Have fun.
Hello?
Hello, Jack.
Steven?
Cocksuckers, hang on a second.
Here we go.
Here we go.
The Omega Society.
It's the oldest
and most secretive society
on the planet.
It's more of a cult really.
Their origins date back
since before recorded history.
Want a smoke?
Uh, I... I vape.
Grow up.
Look, they lived off the blood
of small mammals until...
until they realized
that drinking human blood
would give them immortal life.
If they drank it often enough.
But it wasn't long
until us humans
started fighting back.
By the Middle Ages,
we had these motherfuckers
on the run.
Then, they came up
with a new tactic.
Fleeing their villages
in a mass migration.
And then reintegrating
into our society,
pretending... pretending,
mind you, to be one of us.
But they're weak.
They have a disease.
The whole family
has had a disease for 350 years.
And now Rektor's dying.
And he thinks you're the cure.
What do you mean cure?
Hunters way before me
have been documenting their kills
for centuries.
But there is one event
that changed everything.
During the Wrzberg
witch trials,
a young woman,
a leper was prayed over
by a powerful French cleric
Armand Jean du som...
something.
Said to be touched by God
Himself.
Anyway, puts his hands on her,
says a prayer, and boom,
she's healed.
Just like that.
True miracle.
Well, she healed so fast,
they thought she was a witch.
Decided to burn her at the stake
but the night
before her execution,
she had a visitor.
A vampire patriarch
brutally drained her
of every ounce of blood
in her frail body.
But her blood...
...it was special.
Infused by
the Holy Spirit himself
thanks to the cleric, you see.
She was given the divine gift
of life.
That will wreak havoc
on the dead.
Her name was lost through time,
but she was forever referred to
as the "Geist des Schicksals",
"the Ghost of Fate".
And through the centuries,
that infected bloodline
has run rampant
through the Rektor family
making each generation
shorter, and weaker,
and more desperate
than the ones before.
And now Steven Rektor thinks
that you and Jack are the cure.
Holy shit.
And hell, I think they're right!
My theory is that not only is
your blood the right type,
but you and Jack have
Rektor DNA.
Your great grandpa
Wilbur Chambers
married a Lydia Riechtor,
which could have been Rektor.
Vampires are changing
their fucking names
all the time,
That's why they're after you.
'Cause they think you and Jack
are part of the family.
So, we gotta go now.
- We're not ready.
- Why not?
We've gotta prepare.
I thought that's what
we've been doing.
I've been killing vamps
a long time, honey.
Steven Rektor,
that son of a bitch,
he ain't no ordinary vampire.
Nope.
He's a dark lord,
whose royal bloodline goes back
to the very beginning.
Now, you take him out,
you take out one of the biggest
vamp syndicates of all time.
I can't believe this is
my fucking life right now.
Okay. Rektor's birthday
as on record is 1921.
Now, a vampire's natural
lifespan is of course endless.
But no financial
or real estate records
ever show one vampire
ever living past
the century mark.
What does that mean?
It means after 100 years,
they simply vanish
into thin air.
So you're saying that Rektor
is near the...
expiration date.
But he's also immortal,
so what does that mean?
Vampires age and die
just like you and me.
But their spirit never does.
They simply move on
to a new host.
Somebody they feel can carry on
their legacy.
Yup, yup, that's Jack.
I've been waiting for you.
Wow, man.
You look so...
Real.
Yeah.
What... and dude, this place,
it's...
It's ah...
You know, it's strange,
it kind of reminds me of, um...
Winston's Bar and Grill?
Yeah.
Dude.
Oh, yeah, no.
Man, I... I used to work here.
I mean not here,
you know the... the real one.
Not virtual, but...
Yeah, no, I... I was the DJ.
I mean to be honest,
I was pretty fucking bad.
Umm, but this place is where
I made my first YouTube videos
with my roommate.
It's uh...
How did you know?
I know everything about you.
Your high school crush
to your first viral video.
The first million dollars
you ever made.
The day you met Liz
to the exact amount of money
in your checking account
right now.
Yeah. Oh, shit, uh...
You... about that,
umm, Mr. Rektor,
the reason that account
is so low is just because,
you know,
our overheads are so high.
Uh, but I can assure you
Stream Team's value
is still rocking high.
We don't care about all that.
Jack, everything you think
you know about the world,
it's all about to change.
You are about to change.
I am?
It's time for
your next evolutionary step.
Sorry, I...
I think I'm a bit confused.
Umm, when you say...
what do you mean...
Huh, what's going on?
Umm...
Hey guys, very funny.
I get it.
You know I thought this was
gonna be like a VR experience
on a beach,
you know or in space.
Something.
Can someone let me out of here,
please?
Oh, come on, okay.
Umm, okay, so, that was great.
I'm... I'm sorry, I...
I... I have to go.
It was...
it was nice meeting you guys,
but umm, listen, I'm sorry.
I uh, I... I really gotta go.
You're not going anywhere.
Sorry, Jack.
No, no, it's cool.
No need to apologize.
I'm just gonna let myself out.
It was nice meeting you guys.
Liz?
Hi.
Baby. Oh, my God, baby.
Baby.
Are you okay?
Never better.
Baby, we... we... we gotta go.
- Now.
- No.
- Why?
- Why?
We made it, baby.
No, no, we didn't.
This place is a fucking trap.
Baby, we gotta go.
Kiss me.
Now?
Kiss me.
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit.
You're one of them.
Eternal life, Jack.
Think about it.
We have more money, power,
and success
than we ever imagined.
It's the Holy Grail, Jack.
No, no, no, I'm sorry,
this is not okay.
I can't...
We can't be like these people.
We just need to get you
to a hospital.
You know, there's still time.
We can reverse this.
Oh, fuck fangs, oh, God.
Oh.
Ah.
Goodnight, Jack.
Let me out of here.
Oh, let's not be difficult here.
You should be grateful.
You're about to be a king,
and join the spirits
with the longest bloodline
in the world.
Please, I'm begging you.
There's been a mistake.
This isn't
what we signed up for.
Page six.
A full transference of all
of Steven and Beverly Rektor's
assets, including their own
personal DNA.
You did read the contract,
correct?
Look, whatever you're planning,
just find someone else, okay?
I'm... I'm not gonna tell anyone,
I promise.
We don't want anyone.
We chose you.
Chose me for what?
Welcome to the family.
What, no!
No, please. No.
Well, full transition,
less than an hour.
An hour?
I saw him like an hour ago.
That's why I'm saying
we should be going now.
These bastards are the most
vicious, the strongest,
fastest, most vile motherfuckers
on this planet.
The games are over, honey.
You walk in that house,
chances are
you'll get exsanguinated
in less than a minute
walking through the door.
Sounds fun.
Hey, I'm serious.
You gotta follow my lead.
Whatever it takes
to save my brother.
You know I always thought
I'd die alone.
It's nice to know
I got some company.
Always aim for the chest.
A wooden stake or a silver blade
through the heart,
are the only proven way
to kill these bastards.
How... how long have you been
killing these things for?
A long fucking time.
Come on.
Countermeasures,
always have 'em on you.
Crosses,
the fear of God slows 'em down.
But mine packs an extra punch.
Cute.
Holy water.
Only use this as a last resort
when shit really hits the fan,
okay?
And no self-respecting
vampire hunter
ever leaves home without
a pack of these babies.
Liquid garlic.
Explodes on contact
with any vamp scum.
Huh, vamp scum?
Yeah. What?
Nothing.
It's a cool nickname.
And last but sure as shit
not least,
there's the four-second rule.
Now, a typical vampire
just wants to drain your blood
and leave you for dead, right?
But if you get fangs in
with the dark Lord or his ilk,
you got exactly
four Mississippis to get 'em out
before you turn.
And if you do turn,
I got no choice,
but to stake your ass
to the grave.
Ditto.
Fat chance, kid.
We're close.
Anything else I should know?
Yeah, yeah, there is.
We're gonna do everything
we can to help your brother.
But there are thousands of lives
at stake here.
Now, we got three hours
till sunrise
and a lot of vampire ass to kick
between now and then.
So, are you ready?
Actually give me one second.
What the hell are you doing?
I may have missed
the semi-finals,
I'm gonna show the league
that I'm good enough to go pro.
You're filming this?
Got a problem with that?
Do I have a choice?
No, not really.
Alright, locked and loaded.
Holy crap, guys.
Flynn Chambers is back on live.
Oh, my gosh.
And it looks like she's in
a secret bunker with her dad.
That's not her dad.
Her dad died three years ago.
Let's just say it,
her outfit's pretty badass.
She looks like she can kill.
And the whole bow
and arrow thing
is very Fortnite 2019.
But she's bringing it back
and I'm here for it.
This stuff is
legit scary though.
We need to find out
who that guy is.
Yeah, for real.
That guy is mad sus.
Wait, look...
looks like she's starting.
Shhh.
Whoa, whoa.
Easy here, ladies.
Easy, girls.
Easy now.
A little help here!
A little help here!
Oh.
Nice reflexes there, lady.
Fuck you very much.
Here.
Rektor's close.
I can feel it.
So when we find Rektor,
how do we take him down?
Yeah, thanks for reminding me.
Are you fucking kidding me?
You insane?
When I said I'd alone,
I wasn't fucking.
There's no known way to kill
a Dark Lord or his queen.
I'm just looking for some way,
any way
to break the cycle
and in the transition
maybe save your brother.
Alright.
The simple fact is ain't nobody
ever done that
and lived to tell the tale.
Nobody but nobody
in a thousand years
has ever successfully taken down
the leader
of a vampire syndicate.
In fact, there's only been
three documented attempts.
First, is none other than the
inspiration for Dracula himself.
Vlad the Impaler.
A brutal leader who,
as legend has it,
dipped pieces of bread
in bowls of his victims' blood.
He staked their bodies
all over Eastern Europe.
But not documented,
Vlad was almost defeated
by a Bavarian goldsmith
named Syd the Shylock.
Trapped Vlad with the aid
of his cousin, Esther,
who well may be a whore.
And he fed him divine water
and garlic injections
for three weeks straight.
But one morning
when Syd left for town,
Vlad seduced Esther,
with the promise
of a real apple.
It was very rare those days.
And that was the end of Syd
and Esther and the last time
anybody ever saw
or heard of Vlad the Impaler.
And then there's Jack the
Ripper.
Most consider
the Welsh murderer,
the very first serial killer,
but while Scotland Yard
was desperate to catch Jack,
one detective,
Frederick George Abberline,
knew the truth.
Jack wasn't a serial killer.
He was the leader
of a Welsh vampire syndicate,
known as The Blood Prince.
And our friend Frederick almost
busted the entire ring.
Killed dozens of vamps
including several members
of Jack's own family.
But even with the most inventive
steampunk armory,
some of which
we still use today,
his tactics were no match
for the Ripper.
The Blood Prince
seduced Frederick
with the one thing
the detective always wanted,
dental surgery.
Which brings us to the Rektor's,
this creepy fucking bunker,
and our sorry asses.
Yeah, well, I'm not down
for a suicide mission, bro.
Okay, you're gonna need
to give me something else
to work with.
According to the great prophecy,
there's one way to kill
a Dark Lord,
and that's for him
to get fanged
by somebody
from his own blood order,
i.e. somebody that he himself
converted.
That right there is just
downright impossible, honey.
There has to be another way.
Now, you find that out.
And you let me know, okay.
Our guests have arrived.
Rektor's bodyguard.
Might be the only one that knows
where your brother is now.
Hey buddy, how you doing?
More coming to your way.
I bet you're wondering
why the big guy
didn't take us down?
Well, because he knows
and I know,
we're already dead.
Alright.
Are you ready for this?
Because things are about to go
from mildly nightmarish
to completely batshit
fucking crazy.
Hmm?
What do you think,
they're waiting for us?
What the fuck do you think?
All the shit we do for family.
Oh, my God.
That's the worst thing
I've ever seen.
All that blood for one vampire?
Not just one.
You see all them tube feeders?
Means this vamp ring
is a lot bigger than I thought.
Come on.
Oh, my God.
- Looks like a...
- Trap.
Jack?
Jack, Jack, come on.
Jack, look,
Jack, you have to wake up.
Please. Jack?
Stop.
Mr. Jones.
Welcome to the party.
Hello, bitch.
Flynn.
Hey, where is he, vamp scum?
He's been waiting for you.
Where is he?
Oh, I'm sorry,
was that a question?
'Cause I thought you knew
everything about us.
Try me.
Jesus, fuck.
They've been hiding his decline
for years.
That's Rektor?
Who did we speak to before?
Goddamn deepfake program.
Remember, trust nobody.
Believe nothing.
And this piece of shit,
it's been a long time coming,
you bloodsucking megalomaniac
shitfucker.
Now, huh,
we meet at last.
Well, not exactly.
You missed them
by about an hour.
We did?
Beverly Rektor
has safely transitioned
to her new host body.
What about this piece of shit?
Oh, well, Steven is somewhere
in transit,
as his host completes
his transfusion.
Once the royal blood is in,
it means the spirit can finally
bind the body.
It's the final step.
I'm sorry, darling.
No!
No fucking way.
He didn't know what he was
getting into, alright?
You can do whatever the hell
you want with her.
Stay the fuck away from
my brother.
Think they'll just kill
each other?
Have fun draining, Mr. Jones.
I'm gonna make sure the sister
stays in the family.
Holy shit.
They want you to be
the liaison.
It's a half-vampire,
half-human
bound to the do the bidding
of the king and queen, forever.
No.
That's not gonna happen.
I've always wanted to taste
someone's integrity.
Bring it, vamp scum.
That was easy.
Jesus!
Get the hell off me,
you fucking vamp.
Die, bitch.
Did she?
Am I?
Nah, you're good.
Alright,
let's shut this shit down.
Shall we?
I'm sorry, guys.
He's mine now.
Don't listen to her.
She's a queen now.
Not her true self.
No, no, that's Liz.
I'm gonna gut this bitch
once and for all.
Oh, sweetie, try me.
A little help here!
No!
Flynn!
Fucking queen,
don't let her get away!
- Press the blood.
- Where's the button?
Press the fucking blood.
Aahh...
The plan is not exactly simple.
Feeding Rektor back
his own royal blood
takes a lot of steps.
So, to make it clear,
for all you
YouTubing, TikToking
cocksuckers out there,
here are some tips.
Aaah! Help.
Oh, my God, Flynn.
Please get me out of this thing.
Come on.
Look.
Oh, God.
Ah, you thought I forgot.
So, the third
and perhaps the closest,
anybody's ever come
to busting a syndicate
happened in the afternoon
of November 24th in 1971.
A charismatic vamp
posing as an ad man
was well on his way
to manipulating the masses
through Madison Avenue
and forming a movement
to create large feeding areas
that would later become known
as discos.
But on his way to triumph,
he was double crossed
by a royal member
who was determined to use
this disco concept
for a long time dream
to become a popstar.
She sold out the ad man
to an elite group of slayers,
who staged a coup on a flight
from Portland to Seattle.
Sensing danger,
the now iconic bloodsucker,
otherwise known
by the name of D.B. Cooper
disappeared forever.
- Oh, fuck me!
- Oh.
Oh, God. Whoa.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, Flynn.
I'm so sorry,
you were right.
You were right about
all of it.
I know,
what else is new?
Please get me out of this thing.
- Come on.
- Uhhh.
Oh, my God.
- Are we too late?
- Oh, yeah.
Listen, you did
a pretty good job.
- Yeah.
- What about this?
Oh, yeah.
You got three minutes to get
your brother out of here.
Hey, it was pretty fun,
wasn't it?
Huh?
Not really.
It's alright.
Let's go.
It was nice meeting you again.
Hey, remember, trust nobody.
Believe nothing.
Flynn!
Come on, let's go.
It's vamp time.
I'll be loving you
Always
With a love that's true
Always
When the things you plan
Need a helping hand
I will understand
Always
Always
Days may not be fair
Always
Good show.
Elliot Jones did it.
Hoo, hoo!
So, if you're ever invited
to an exclusive party
that you have no business
being in
or offered
a business opportunity
that is too good to be true.
Or you meet
an impeccably-dressed
handsome billionaire
who has a Red Room,
you need to ask yourself,
"Am I the prey
or the predator?"
And "Do I have what it takes
to be a motherfucking slayer?"
I am your master
Now sign your name
I am your master
Now sign your name
I am your master
Now sign your name
I am your master
Now sign your name
Is there a fighting
machine gun
Faster than a running horse?
Do you have the ways
to do by me
Half a man, half a beast
I am your master
Now sign your name
I am your master
Now sign your name
Turn in your name
Branded by a fighting
machine gun
Faster than a running horse
Do you the ways to do by me
Half a man, half a beast
I am your master
Now sign your name
I am your master
Now sign your name
Never stop keeping
I know a lot of you
have questions.
I definitely do.
Like is this a new promo
for a new vampire movie?
If it's so, what's the name?
And I guess Jules finally
quit the business.
And when is Liz's new nail kit
coming out?
'Cause this bitch
definitely needs it.
Sophie,
what's our news for today?
Okay, guys,
so I listen to MPR
and basically, everyone went
missing from the compound.
And there are serious reports
of foul play.
What's MPR, girl?
idiot.
So today our plan
is to look back
from the live streams and posts
from the past few days.
But before we do that,
I gotta give a big shout-out
to our sponsor, LIT.
It's a new deodorant
for dudes like me and you.
Also don't forget to subscribe.
What about my sweatshirt
sponsorship?
- No one cares about that.
- No one cares.
But... but this.