Sleeping with the Fishes (2013) Movie Script

Welcome back, and of
course, I'm Freddy Fine.
Okay, ladies, you're
going for the $50,000.
Now you will have 60
seconds on the clock.
Good luck.
Here is your first subject.
Lemonade, um, ice
cream, sleep-away camp...
Things I told you to avoid.
Things that make you fat.
Picnics, uh, barbecues...
Fattening events. Places
where they have too much food.
Beaches, uh, swimming pools.
Coney Island.
Places where I told you
never to wear a bathing suit.
Places where you eat too much.
What?! Pass!
Uh... um, satin lingerie,
silk underwear...
Things only a slut would wear.
Things you can't fit into.
Cashmere sweater, uh, suede jacket...
Things you can't afford.
Wha... pass.
Oh, just pass.
Cake batter, uh, chocolate milk...
Things that are bad for you.
Things you shouldn't eat.
Emotions, Mom, deep-rooted emotions.
Ohh! Too bad.
So sad.
Now what if I would
have said "hot soup".
- Things you stir?
- Oh, yes! Yes!
What do emotions have
to do with stirring?
So sad.
Ah, crap!
Emotional Blackmail.
Let's first start by
taking a deep breath in
and letting go of any negative thoughts.
- One breath ain't gonna do it.
Now imagine the emotional noose
around your neck loosening up.
Told you.
Feel the breath of newfound
freedom entering your loins.
Everybody's got those days
When the sun don't
shine like it should
- Everyone gets the blues...
- Come on!
Come on, Spanx, don't fail me now.
... weather outside isn't good
I'm no exception to the rule
I have my days,
just gotta remember
Things are always
nice in some way
So let's keep it moving
Deep into the night
We got to keep on
feeling real good
Ohh, let's keep it
rolling deep into the night
Make sure the good
times keep on coming
Let's get it right
Better believe that
karma is for real, so...
Hey, sweetheart,
I'd eat you for free.
Piss off!
Wonder Bash Events, how
can we save your day?
Save it for the 'rents,
Pinocchio, it's just me.
Isn't it too early for
you to be stalking me?
Fair enough.
So are you really expecting
a call from a client?
You never know.
You know, you could move back home,
maybe start over, save some money.
Yeah, I'd rather move to Jersey.
Your pride is overwhelming.
Yeah, and your sarcasm is annoying.
I can see the stress of moving home
is just destroying your usual warmth.
I'm coming home for an aunt's
funeral that we barely even know.
I know. Poor Aunt Sharon.
- Sally.
- Sally, right.
What? Oh.
- Let me call you back.
- You okay?
No! I gotta go!
Wait, did you get the tickets?
What? Mind your business.
Sorry about your balls.
No worries.
I've had worse things
happen to my balls.
Wait, are we having a party?
Oh, yeah, well, Mrs. Gonzalez
wanted Mr. Muchacho, and
so, see, I had to hire
an authentic Latino to play a Latino
character, you know what I mean?
Um, no, but how L.A. of you.
There could be a
freakin' albino Asian man
under there and nobody
would know the difference.
Come on, Mo, you know I need the money.
Yeah, well, but see, the thing is...
No, Mo, you cut the crap.
When I agreed to dress in
these fucktard costumes...
- Shh! Hey, hey.
- It was under the assumption
I'd be planning all of your events.
Wasn't that the deal?
I'm out. I'm out!
Okay, well, have a safe trip home.
Hey, and leave my other
ball on the way out.
Wonder Bash Events,
how can I save your day?
Can I speak to Cara, please?
Oh, this is Cara.
How can I please you today?
Do you have time for your secret lover?
Always. What is your pleasure today?
You, me, and a chimpanzee.
Ohh, sounds dangerous!
So, do I need a whip to tame the chimp?
Nope, just for me.
Oh, well, I'm gonna just
put you on hold for one sec
- so I can get that whip, okay?
- Okay.
- Hey.
- Hola.
Hey, so I'm on the other line
with a potential client...
Really? What kind of shindig
are you trying to book?
One that requires a lot
of sweet talking and a tug.
- Can you hold, please?
- Holding.
You still there, bad boy?
I never left. Did you get the whip?
In hand.
Oh, yeah! Now we're talkin'.
Ohh! Oh, you know what?
Can I just put you on
hold for one more minute
so I can get my panties off?
Hey, so this is gonna be
a lot longer than expected.
Could I just call you back?
You have a difficult client?
Oh, I hate those.
No, look, just... I'm
calling to remind you
to pack your skinny jeans.
Crap! Skinny jeans, skinny jeans,
skinny jeans.
Yeah, I figured it's gonna help
keep Mom off your back about Daniel
if you show up looking malnourished.
Uh-huh, noted.
Thanks for the... reminder.
Um, okay, so I gotta go.
Bye. See you. Bye.
Hey there, bad boy,
mission accomplished.
Panties off, whip in hand.
Now tell me...
what would you like me
to do to your chimpanzee?
Lex? Chimpan...
Lexie, did you just say chimpanzee?
Monkey junk!
Oh, no!
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no. Ohh.
Oh, my goodness, pick up,
pick up, pick up, pick up,
pick up, pick up, pick up.
Damn! Hey, it's me.
I'm totally gonna miss my flight.
I am so sorry. Can you just
tell Mom that something happened?
I don't know, say something,
like, spice it up or something.
Tell her that there was an
earthquake or something like that.
It's like home to me
On a crazy spree
I can't let you be...
Man, just right up here
on your right is cool.
Thank you.
- That card's been declined.
- Of course it is.
Yeah, I'm sure I have
cash... oh, Christ!
- Louis, you...
- Hello, hello, hello, you!
So, uh, you need a buck or,
uh, maybe you'd rather...
Yes, I need a buck. Just...
Lou, just pay the man, yeah?
Here you go, pally.
Keep it.
Here you go.
- Oh, let me get that.
- No, I got it.
- No, I got it.
- No, Lou, I got it.
I got it. I'm here for
you, I'm here for you.
- Nothing but a chicken wing.
- You're getting it. Okay.
- I am here for you.
- Okay, excuse me.
So, uh, rumor in the hood is that you
are newly single. What's that all about?
Uh, well, my husband died a year ago,
so it's not that new.
Yeah, but you're still single, right?
- Am I right?
- Not necessarily, all right?
A lot can happen in a year.
- Yeah, like what?
- Like...
'90s hair can go out of style...
are you still wearing that cologne?
- That's my Sean John.
- Ugh.
Oh, and, like, '90s tight acid-washed
jeans didn't go out of style?
These aren't acid-washed jeans.
- Psst.
- Hey, Louie, you almost ready?
- Hey, Dom, give me five.
- We don't have five, Lou.
It's Thirsty Thursdays, we open early.
Dom, I'd like you to
meet my lady friend Lexie.
- Lexie, this is...
- It's Alexis, it's Alexis.
- Alexis, this is my friend...
- Boss.
My boss friend Dominic.
- Alexis.
- Nice to meet you.
Hey, you should bring her
by the club some night.
First two rounds are on me.
Ooh! Big spender! Big man on campus.
All right, see you later,
Lou-Lou. Gotta go see my family.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- I haven't seen my family in a while.
As always,
it is a pleasure and a
You're still saying that?
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Before I forget, uh...
Freestyle Fridays. Yours truly's DJ'ing.
Lou-Lou, you did not...
give it to me.
- Okay, Lou.
- I've been ballin' and I hurt my foot,
but I still got moves, baby.
Hey, hey, baby girl!
I missed you so much!
Leonard! Are you in the kitchen?
Get out of the fridge.
- I told you we're going to be eating soon.
- Okay.
You're late.
Yeah, I forgot to tell the pilot
that you were a stickler for time, Mom.
Ma... okay.
So how are you, Mom?
Okay, is this done? I don't
even know what we're doing.
- Lexie.
- I'm sorry, mija.
It's just that we haven't
seen you in so long
and I'm just absorbing...
all of you.
You really don't disappoint, do you?
No, Mom, caffeine makes
me sleepy and you know it.
I just need to take a
shower. I had a long flight.
Yes, you go, mamita,
and brush your hair
while you're in there.
And if you need some makeup,
there's plenty in the cabinet.
I have makeup on, Mom.
She looks like mierda.
- Ay.
- Mmm.
- Holy Mother of God.
- Oh, shit!
I should have knocked, I'm so sorry.
What if I was really dropping a deuce?
Truthfully, I find it, um,
just a little bit more disturbing
that Mom has a picture of
Daniel alone in the hallway.
Really? I find it more disturbing
that you were having
phone sex with a chimp.
Wait, no, I thought we
weren't gonna touch that one.
- Oh, we weren't? Oh, I'm sorry.
- No.
Oh, my God!
- I missed you.
- I missed you!
Oh, you forget.
Our mother is half hound,
she will find it, believe me.
- Hey, you
found your skinny jeans.
- Lookin' good, Mr. Kotter.
- Thanks.
I think if I fart, I may rip the seams.
Okay. Turn that frown upside down.
- You're home!
- For a funeral.
Well, if that's what it takes so be it.
Anyway, who has time for Danny drama
when our own loving mother is
waiting patiently downstairs
to deliver some novestyle
drama of her own.
Did I tell you that I was jet lagged?
Like, just like this much?
Well, ding, ding, ding!
Let the games begin.
Do I look... fat? Or just bloated?
Is that a trick question?
Come on! I'm just kidding.
You look perfect!
This is gonna be so fun!
We're coming!
Mmm! Mmm, mm, mmm!
Hija, I made it with one percent.
Mamcan she have some food?
Oh! I'm sorrmijita.
She hasn't seen "Real
Women Have Curves" yet.
I got it for her for Mother's Day.
How long have I been home?
Long enough to remember why you left.
So, Dad, how you holding up?
Hmm? Yeah?
Got any last-minute details
you want help with, any
arranging, organizing?
Ay, Dios mo, always the party planner.
Lexita, have you ever
thought about retaking
the dental admissions exam?
Nope, never, not once.
You should.
You know, if I hadn't gone to
trade school to become a hygienist,
I would have
never met your father.
Yeah, see, I don't know what that
has to do with the conversation...
Okay, let me just boom, bang, pow
my way into this potential disaster.
- Party planning is
in Lexie's DNA. Ay, no.
So is bipolar and depression...
Okay, it's in my DNA, I got it.
You know, Mo is giving me a
lot of extra parties, you know?
And with the holidays just a few
months away, I'm gonna be a lot busier.
Santa's gonna need helpers, like...
elves and such.
You know, I wonder why Hanukkah Julio
isn't more popular in Los Angeles,
seeing as it's the city of Jews.
Angels, it's the City of Angels.
- It's the City of Angels?
- Yeah.
And Hanukkah Julio was
a character Dad made up
to make sure that we didn't
feel alone in this world.
What? Dad!
That can't possibly
be a surprise to you.
Oh, okay. Okay.
Well, since we are
revealing family secrets,
I have one of my own.
Has to do with you, Lexita.
Okay, wait, this is
not another intervention
because I'm down to four pills a day!
Nmija, we gave up on that a while ago.
This isn't a blind date, right, Mom?
No, it's so much better!
I ran into Mrs. Wasserstein
at an open house...
God, does she still
think she's related to us?
In fact, she is related to us.
She's Uncle Stan's ex-wife.
Uh, so, technically she's not.
So, anyway, okay, back to me, thank you.
She knows you're back in town
and she wants you to help with
her daughter's Bat Mitzvah!
- You're welcome!
- What?
- Que qu?
- Dude, is that your little secret?
Yes! Are you surprised?
Because... you look surprised.
- This...
- Yeah.
...this is not
surprised, this is pissed.
- What did you tell her?
- I told her hell yeah, of course.
Did you tell her that I don't
have a business anymore, Kayla?
- No.
- Lexita, you know that we don't tell
- other people those things.
- Whatever.
- You're kidding, right?
- No.
- Right?
- No!
- Right?! Dude!
- No.
Come on! I have a life
that's 3,000 miles away.
- You have a life 3,000...
- I have a life 3,000 miles away
and I can't just put
it on hold because...
because you want to book an
event for me without my consent.
Lexie, look.
If you take this job,
maybe you can make some, uh,
some connections, all right?
And this way Wonder
Bash can have a new life,
a rebirth of a sort
right here in New York.
Do you see how good that sounds?
Oh, does it? Does it really?
It does sound good. You
know what else sounds good?
Paying your bills
or pay for some plane tickets.
I thought we all
discussed this already.
Alexis needs stability.
And party planning will not allow her
the time she needs to
get her life together.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, pause, on you.
When did we have a conversation
about my life without me?
I don't remember that.
We're a family, we do it all the time.
Lexita, don't you
think it's time for you
to move on from the parties?
From the kiddie parties
and the raccoon costumes?
For the one millionth time, Mom,
Kung Fu Panda is a panda,
not a freaking raccoon!
Lexie, Lexie, Lexie... Come on, Lexie!
Right now I need a little air, Dad.
I mean, look at my plate.
It's the jeans. They're so tight.
- She makes me sweat.
- Mom, come on, she's just...
Listen, reality sucks for her right now.
Once it starts getting better,
she'll live in it again.
Why should this night be any
different than the other night?
Is that a trick question?
You have one new message.
Mo here.
Hope everything's
going good with the fam.
I got some awesome news!
Thought it was worth a quick call.
Mrs. Lopez wants to have her
son's fifth birthday next Sunday
and she requested Handy Manny!
Hola! So I thought of you.
I know you need the cash.
Give me a call, let me
know if you're available.
I hear he's much more
popular than Dora these days.
Vodka, soda, no ice, still your fave?
Why did
you agree to it, Kayla?
Because you need it
and because you need to pay
me back for my plane tickets.
Mo just got me another job.
I'm gonna be able to pay you
back like next week, all right?
- I'm fine.
- Fine?
Fine is an acronym
for fucked-up, insecure,
neurotic, and emotional,
so terrific that you're fine,
but wouldn't you rather
be fine and happy?
- I'm happy.
- Mmm.
I'm happy.
And I'm... I'm really
close to clearing my debt.
Oh, your debt, that's right.
You mean the debt that you wouldn't have
if you hadn't overslept
and you would have actually
made it to the office
to serve him the divorce papers?
- Yep.
- Yep.
Yep, that's it, that's
the debt I'm talking about.
- That's the debt right there.
- You know, Lexie,
if you take this Wasserstein gig,
which my sources tell
me is two weeks away...
- Two weeks? Two whole weeks?
- Wait, wait, wait.
I will...
get all my open houses covered
and I will become your
personal assistant.
Your girl Friday of sorts.
Oh, my God!
We're gonna be like Wonder Twins, dude!
Ooh, Wonder Twin powers,
activate! Come on!
Form of...
a supermodel.
Oh, my God.
would it kill you to stay here
for a little while longer?
Form of a toilet bowl.
You have to be a liquid. Dude, come on.
- Seriously?
- Yeah!
Form of a stronger vodka soda.
You know, if Princess Leia
could choke Jabba the Hutt
and free herself while rocking a bikini,
then you, my darling sister,
can most certainly...
rebuild the lost Wonder Bash empire.
What is that, one of
your self-help books?
It's a guide to the
best beaches in Hawaii.
Mmm, monkey humping must be paying well.
It's from my honeymoon, dude.
Oh. Sorry.
can't say it's not a beautiful picture.
Frosty drinks always
make for a good shot.
Shots. Shots! Come on!
Okay, hey, hey, hey.
I'm just throwing it out there,
but tomorrow, Freestyle
Fridays, what, what?
Oh, my goodness!
You, me, and a bottle are three.
Come on, what do you say? Super fun.
No, thanks.
You're right. You're right.
Why put off until tomorrow
what we can do today?
Shots, my darling!
Hey, I'm sorry that we didn't
get to know her very well.
You know, I'm sure
she was a great woman.
Actually she was miserable.
She was never happy after Ron died
and she... she kind of locked
herself away from the world.
Don't do the same.
You're gonna end up regretting it a lot.
I know she did.
If you learn anything from
me, it's to forgive, okay?
Leonard, let's go!
We have lots of people
waiting back at the house.
I'm not saying it's
easy, but you gotta try.
Hi. Cheers.
Ugh! Boxed wine!
- Dad is so cheap. Okay, listen.
- I love boxed wine.
Mrs. Wasserstein is in the
living room, we gotta talk to her.
Mira, hijas, you think this is a
proper time to conduct business?
Mom, we get it.
You don't approve, blah, blah, blah.
Well, at least brighten up that
sad, sad look on your face, Lexita.
- We're sitting shiva, Mom, it's sad.
- Yeah.
Well, if that's your excuse, so be it.
Either way, I think it's inappropriate.
But if you must... ay, mira...
at least put on some lipstick.
Okay, Mom, really?
Listen, I think she has a point.
You might want to smile a little bit...
Make sure she puts it on.
She needs color.
Oh, my goodness. Well, hola to you, too.
You remember my sister Alexis?
Of course I do. How are you?
She... well, we are very excited
about helping Shari
with her Bat Mitzvah.
Well, I'm super excited, too,
'cause I'm getting two
for the price of one.
Well, metaphorically, right? Right?
I'm really, really appreciative
that you're doing this,
especially considering
the circumstances.
That is my daughter Shari.
- Hi.
Okay. So, um, why don't we
get started on the details
seeing that we're all here?
Can't start without a fist bump.
Wonder Twin powers...
Activate! Form of an iceberg.
- Fangirl?
- Totally. You?
- Since I'm, like, 23!
- Wow.
Super late start, but still super cool.
Right? Come on!
Okay, well, isn't this just fabulous?
Am I being "Punk'd"? Like,
where are the cameras?
Anyway, so I had Shari's
therapist's receptionist
make you a tip sheet.
Yes, it seems that
the last party planner
dropped the ball on a
whole bunch of things,
and the catering got
the bulk of the budget,
so you've really got
your work cut out for you.
Um, before we start, I'm so sorry.
I just wanna double-check on this date
'cause my understanding was
that we had two weeks, not one.
Uh, no, that's correct.
And besides, I hear that
you can make miracles happen.
- Yes, she can.
- Yes.
Okay, well, I guess, um,
we just have a lot to
do with a small window.
- What's left in your budget?
- Uh, hm.
Like I said, the caterer
took up a big chunk,
so I'd say about, mm, 2,035, 2,036?
Wow, okay, and how many guests
- uh, approximately have RSVP'd?
- About 60.
Wow, okay, well... ahem.
So what we're gonna
do is we're gonna just
compromise on the
venue and we'll just be
a little more selective as to
how many superheroes we hire.
Oh, oh... um, but, um...
but I'm sure that me and
my partner-in-crime here
can totally make miracles happen.
- You know it.
So, um, what is the number one superhero
that you just must have?
I love Wonder Woman.
- Oh.
- That's great!
And the Wonder Twins.
- Oh, my God, this is gonna be so awesome!
- Okay, not your party.
- Um, do you have a dress?
- Yep.
But Mom doesn't approve.
Uh, in this case, Mom is right
and you're gonna have to get something
that's a little bit more...
fitting for the occasion.
It's totally fitting.
People are starting to leave.
They want to get home before sundown.
Come say Shabbat Shal-adios.
Okay, well, you have my number.
Feel free to use it anytime
and I just wanna say that I think
it is fabulous that you are moving on.
This is going to be the best party ever.
Oh, and Kayla, don't forget Gleek.
The twins are nothing without him.
- You know that.
- Of course I do!
Who doesn't?
What? Why the frown, Charlie Brown?
Kinda slipped up on that
timeframe, huh, sister poo?
Oh, please, one week.
We can so do this.
Just pull out your
guns and start firing.
Wine and dine some old associates.
Just do your thing, sister.
I have seen you do it before.
Yeah, when I had a
business, Kayla, okay?
And you just promised
that little girl Gleek.
You promised her Gleek, and if my memory
serves me correctly,
Gleek is, um, a monkey.
Your memory serves you incorrectly.
He's a blue monkey.
Where are we gonna find
a blue monkey in Brooklyn?
The Bronx Zoo.
- Blue.
- We'll paint him!
- I'm done with
you, mm-hmm. - Nice.
Not very
Wonder-Twin-like of you.
Titi wants to see you.
You haven't spoken to her
since Daniel's funeral.
Yeah because she doesn't speak English.
Ay, Lexita, don't make
everyone pay for your misery.
Titi... hi.
God bless "ju. "
Did she just call me a "ju"?
All right, God bless you.
- What?
- She meant well, you know?
Yeah, Mom, I'm sure she did,
but really, the only
person that's mourning
Daniel's death is you.
Are you that disconnected
from everything?
That you can't even see how
his death has affected you?
Okay, I am not gonna listen to
this psychoanalytic nonsense.
- I'm just not.
- This is not psychoanalytical, hija.
This is just obvious to everyone.
Esse, your brothers are here...
Chino, Chewie, and Chachi.
Leonard, you know
that's not their names.
Well, they're still here.
- Thank you.
- Mm... yeah.
It looked painful from afar.
I can only imagine what
it was like close-up.
No, no, you can't.
After 32 years, I say I can.
Let me ask you a question.
Do you think I look
better than Princess Leia?
Yes, no, I don't know.
- I don't even know what you said.
- Oh, you know what?
I told you Mom is a bloodhound.
Come on.
I am so ready to pop and lock.
Okay, are you ready? Are you ready?
That's what I'm talking
about. And check this out.
Yes, nobody puts baby in the corner.
- Do you understand?
- Will they get over them?
Okay, now, seriously.
Would Han Solo wanna get with this?
Would he wanna get with this?
Take me on the
Millennium Falcon.
What? What, what?
Oh! Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo.
We're here, we're here.
Get ready... what's up, y'all?
Wait for me!
- Ow!
- Hey, ladies.
What can I get you tonight?
Two B&Bs.
A little fire in the hole
to get this night started.
We are going back, way back.
- '91 style!
- Oh.
I was so much happier
in '91... and thinner.
Oh, my God, I was born
in '91. Awesome year.
- Me too, I was born in '91 too.
- Yeah, me too.
Think you could bounce a
nickel off of that butt?
Tried it... it does.
Oh, man, Pizza Bagel.
How 'bout a round of
drinks on you for us?
- All right... Summer!
- Yeah?
- Okay. -
Mm-mm, mm-mm-mm.
Glad you could make it.
So, uh, look around.
Take your time.
Let me know if there's
anything I can do you for,
and, uh, I'll be back
to dance with you...
- Okay.
- All right.
Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm, mm.
Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm...
Okay, is that...
is that, like, a move now?
- It sure is.
- That's how we do it.
- Wow, are you...
- Boys!
Back to the booth!
Here we go.
Shake the cooties off.
To the dance floor.
- You trying to poison us?
- SummeHave fun, ladies!
Hey, ladies, get
that ass off the wall
Fellas, hands up,
come back for more
Hustlers, get their
cash flow galore
Let's go, let's go, vamos, vamos
Ladies, get that
ass off the wall
Fellas, hands up,
come back for more
Hustlers, get their
cash flow galore
Let's go, let's
go, vamos, vamos.
Yes, Summer, yes.
Do you think Mom is disappointed in me?
Are you serious?
God, does this look like a
therapist's office to you?
All right, let me ask you a question.
If the world blows up tomorrow,
like the planet Krypton did,
and everybody else is gone
off the face of the Earth
except you, who are you gonna blame
for all your pain,
sorrow, and misfortune?
Good one, but no.
Mom! Because you're
still gonna be blaming her
for all your problems.
And even though the world has blown
to millions of little bits.
Uh-oh, like this. Ooh, speakers!
Excuse me!
Oh, my God.
Hey, um, Dom, we've...
we've got some spring
cleaning on the floor.
Yeah, on my way.
Oh, are you okay?
Oh, are you good?
Oh, my God.
I just saw my whole
support system just crumble.
Are you okay? Yeah.
Excuse me, guys, excuse me.
- Excuse me, I got it.
- Oh, this is what I'm talking about.
Excuse me.
Shh, shh, shh, shh!
- Friend?
- No.
I me... I mean sister... friend.
Thanks, Mom.
I was thinking she could
hide out for a little bit,
- you know, sleep it off.
- Yeah, thanks.
God, who knew that doing the Running
Man wouldn't be like riding a bike?
It's one of those moves that
requires some crazy skills.
I thought she had
them... yes, thank you.
Oh, will you take that for me, please?
- Okay, ouch.
- What's up?
- Oh!
- What?
Wow, you're strong.
Just make sure your
brain's not bleeding.
Ah! She's actually
much nicer. I promise.
- All right, real quick...
- Let me... let me get it!
Did you put this here?
Oh... it's for me.
I'm gonna leave that right there.
- So where are you coming in from?
- Uh, Los Angeles.
L.A., Los Angeles.
Oh, yeah? Where in La
La Land do you live?
- Nice. I used know it well.
- Yeah?
Yep... so what do you do out there?
Oh, I... I plan parties,
like events, and such,
and stuff like that.
- It's like an icebox in here.
- Oh, thank you.
Well, that's cool. Who
are you working for?
Oh, I, um... it's for, like, this newer,
like, smallish company.
You've probably never heard of them.
The House of Patties,
and Events, and... Co.
You... you mean that
burger place on La Brea?
Yeah, but I mean, like, we do
a lot more than flip burgers.
Yeah, like, we, like...
they throw parties there, and, you know,
sometimes, in, like, big
homes, like, mansions and stuff,
like the Hollywood scene,
but that's, like, ugh.
- Yeah, I know them well too.
- Yeah.
So what is it that you do?
I mean, like, do you,
like, travel a lot for work?
Or do you have, like, a club in L.A.?
Uh, well, I, um...
my wife and I lived out there pre-kid.
What brought you out to the West Coast?
Ah. No ring?
Long story.
Hey, you know what?
We should probably...
probably take this outside.
Oh, like, keep talking outside.
So what brings you back home?
Aunt's funeral.
Oh, I'm... I'm sorry.
- That sucks...
- No, it's all good.
- Thanks.
- So how long you in for?
Well, that was... that's
kind of a funny story.
I was supposed to leave on Sunday.
And then, I got a gig at the funeral.
I mean, it's a weird
place to close a deal,
but, you know, I guess
business is business.
- Thank you.
- Thanks.
- Can't close just 'cause the
coffin does, right? - Right.
Except I, um... Ahem.
I have one week and no budget.
A week?
Oh, that's plenty of time
to get a gig up and running.
- With superheroes and a monkey?
- Sure, why not?
I mean, we throw parties
here all the time.
When there's a will, there's a way.
There's a will.
Just don't necessarily know
about the way, you know?
You get some party favors,
couple of streamers,
some of those frozen finger foods.
You know, maybe a couple hot dancers
to spice up the night.
Yeah, it's not a bachelor party.
It's a Bat Mitzvah.
Okay, got you.
I thought superheroes
was code for strippers.
Dad? You there? Over.
Lightning speed. Over.
Hey, bud.
How you feeling?
I'm fine.
Who's that?
Oh, hi, I'm Alexis.
Hey, nice to meet you, but I meant her.
The snoring one.
- Memo...
- Sorry.
It's... it's... it's all
good. That's my sister Kayla.
We just came back in here to get
her because, well, it's getting late,
and, uh... oh, we
better get home or else.
Or else what? Can you get grounded?
Surprising, yet extremely possible.
- Yeah.
- Tell me about it.
When I went to visit my mom last month,
she tried to ground me
for hiding in the trunk of her limo.
- Limo?
- Long story.
Got it.
All right, come on, sister poo.
Let's get on out of here.
Thanks for the anger detox.
Hey, anytime.
And good luck with that party.
Oh, thank you.
- And, um, good luck with that long story.
- Thank you.
All right.
All right there?
You good?
- There we go.
- Why is there a kid in here?
Thanks for the sweater also.
You think Mom has tuna?
- Okay.
- I like Bumble Bee.
She... she doesn't really.
Mom, you can't be hiding
in the dark like a stalker.
I have been waiting for you girls
for the past three hours.
Oh, Christ, Mom, we're not 16.
You can't just wait up
in hopes of grounding us.
She can, she is la reina de castiga.
Queen of punishment.
- That's impressive.
- I know.
Ooh, ironic.
Converting to Judaism really
did wonders for you, Mom.
Ma, don't listen.
It's just the liquor talking.
She's drunk.
She's so drunk.
If I didn't have to worry
about you girls so much,
I wouldn't need these.
Oh, please.
Mom, I'm starving.
Can you make me some tuna fish?
No, no, God, you do not need tuna.
All right, I'm taking Drunkie
McDrunkersons upstairs.
Remember, just bring
it upstairs, please!
- No.
- Ma, I'm starving!
Please, God, please,
don't make me kill them.
Oh, God, hey. Okay, grab
the bannister now, all right?
Can you believe this woman?
Ugh, let it go, Obi-Wan.
Let it go.
Lift the seat!
Where's the aspirin?
Top shelf on the left...
next to the Gas-X.
You girls should know better.
I thought I told you both that, uh,
it's not very ladylike to
drink yourself into foolishness.
Yeah, well, you know,
sometimes, even the perfect slip, Mom.
Good night.
So I hear that your
sister is taking time
from her job to help
you with this party?
Yeah, why?
So what is it you wanna say?
I have nothing to say.
Right, because that's in your nature
to just let things go.
Lexita, why are you so angry?
I'm not angry, Mom.
I'm bitter. Big difference.
- Lexita, it's not very becoming
of you to be so nasty. - Human?
Lexita, mi hija, why have you given up?
Given up?
Is that what you think that I've done?
You think I've given up, Mom?
I haven't given up.
I'm... I'm just trying
to, like, find my way.
- If you ask me...
- Well, I didn't!
Well, it looks as if
you've thrown in the towel.
You don't take care of yourself anymore.
You... you... you look tired,
and, well... swollen.
- As in fat?
- Not my words.
Is this about the way I look?
Is that what's important to you?
Lexita, the way someone
presents themselves
affects the way they are
treated. Trust me, I know.
People respond to those who present
themselves in a certain light.
And right now, it is so obvious
that you have absolutely no confidence.
She'll be fine.
Let her be.
She always gets up after she falls.
I get up too, Mom.
But you have always
needed a little assistance.
Why is it that you can bury your past,
but I can't bury mine?
Lexita, I did not bury my past.
I know exactly where I came from.
That is why I have made the
choices that I have made.
Smart choices that have
gotten me right here.
I tried everything to make you proud.
I kept up an amazing facade for years.
But when the payoff is waking up alone
because you've been living your
life for everybody else but yourself,
you start to realize
image is not everything.
Listen to me.
Listen to me.
There was this one
day when I was walking
you and your sister to Hebrew school.
And all of a sudden, one of
the mothers approached me.
She asked me if I had my weekends free.
I didn't understand
what the question meant.
I thought that maybe
she was confusing me
for someone else or
that I was translating
incorrectly in my head.
So she quickly rephrased the question.
"Need mula?
I... no... Yo... pay well.
Mucho dinero. "
I don't remember that.
Of course you don't. You were too young.
But I have never forgotten.
Obviously, she thought
that I was your nanny
and not your mother.
So as far as I see it,
image is everything.
I'm gonna go bring this to Kayla.
To my lovely wife.
This is the best night of my life.
I love you, Lexi.
Daniel and Alexis, have
a wonderful honeymoon.
Bon voyage, many great travels.
All I'm saying is Lex,
seriously, consider your source.
The woman had to sacrifice
her pet lamb Cho Cho
when she was, like, eight
to help feed the family.
- It was a goat.
- Whatever, Lex.
I'm just saying look at
who you're dealing with
before you end up losing your mind.
Before I forget, we
have a meeting with Mikey
in, like, 20 at Comic Circuit.
So wash your mug and giddyup, partner.
We gotta get this party started.
Go, go... Go.
Hey, Rob?
Yes, I'm thinking about it.
I know the ceilings are low,
but she's freaking Filipino.
How much head room
could she possibly need?
Ah! The Justice League of America.
- Hi, Mikey.
- Hey.
I got your stack in the back.
- Okay.
- Gimme a sec.
No problem, you take your time.
I'm not going anywhere.
Don't rush on my account.
So cute.
- Ew.
- What?
Were you just flirting
with a 13-year-old?
- He is 19.
- He is a fetus.
- You are creepy.
- Perfectly legal.
- I respected you 25 seconds ago.
- He can vote, can't he?
- Hey, the younger the berry...
- Um, Demi.
I beg you not to finish
that sentence, "por favies. "
What are we supposed to
be looking for anyway?
Is this where you come to
find the nerd of your dreams?
Well, that depends. Are you a nerd?
No. I don't know.
Actually, maybe I
didn't... I'm not sure.
Well, that's too bad 'cause
then my answer would've been yes.
Dad! Look who I found!
Okay, what happened last night
and who is this kid?
"The younger the berry... "
Okay, I am gonna go look
for Batman Issue 515.
I will be right back.
Um, there's no way you would even know
anything about that issue, so stay here.
Who are you?
- So, uh...
- Can I take you out?
I'd like to take you somewhere.
Somewhere sounds great.
Make a few calls, see
if I can find a sitter.
- No way, Hal Jordan is a way better GL.
- Um, wrong.
- Kyle Rayner could beat him hands down.
- You're insane.
You owe me.
I know.
- Big.
- I know.
Really? Ponytail?
It's not very sexy, Lexi, I'm just...
But it's the only way that
I can get rid of my grays.
Or hair dye.
Dude, I don't have the
money to do regular upkeeps.
Oh, my God, because
the last time I checked,
Clairol was, like, $4.
- Do I look desperate?
- Yeah, a little bit.
Manufactured happiness
is not gonna get you laid.
Yeah, but it's definitely
gonna get me through tonight.
So you're, um... you're a serial killer.
Well, serial killers
usually get paid more.
- Mm-hmm. - Yeah,
they got more lines.
They have ransoms to
request, threats to make,
and negotiations to
work out with the 5-0.
I've never met a
reenactment actor before.
I... you know, I can't believe
that I'm sitting here with
the Green River Killer.
Kind of freaky.
So is that your long story?
No, but it, uh... it does lead into it.
I met my long story
playing Ted Bundy,
and she was cast as one of my victims.
- Hm.
- It's pretty romantic, huh?
Very, very romantic.
So is this one of those,
like, to-be-continued
or tune-in-next-week
kind of stories?
No, no.
It's, uh... it's a
the-end kind of story.
It's over.
So, uh, does she stay in
L.A. to pursue the dream?
No, no.
She's, uh... she's living the dream.
She's one of the biggest
novella stars out there.
She even managed to make, uh...
"People en Espanol"s Top
Ten Most Beautiful Women.
So that's... I mean,
that's... that's really, uh...
So, I mean, if she's all that,
then why... why with the divorce?
Well, exactly that.
She thought she was all that,
and she wanted an all-that
kinda guy to be at her side.
And you're not an all-that kinda guy?
Oh, sorry, I didn't mean that like that.
- I...
- Mm... no, no.
It's all good.
Hey, you know, I should call home
and check in on Memo.
- Um...
- Yeah.
- Or relieve Memo.
- Yeah, more like save Kayla.
Your story's next.
Oh, yeah, I plead the Fifth.
Oh, yes, there's no way in He...
hello there, buddy. How you doin'?
But that's kind of you.
- Thanks for the flowers.
- Sure.
I didn't know you weren't
a fan of things that die.
Yeah, well, I'm working
on that, okay?
This is so beautiful.
you win... what do you
want to know about me?
- Well, the drama.
- Oh.
- That's what makes a good story.
- Oh, well, of course.
I followed my perfect husband
to California about four years ago
for the perfect job as the
perfect entertainment lawyer
extraordinaire to the stars.
Uh, we were high school sweethearts
voted "Most Likely to
Live Happily Ever After,"
and my parents...
absolutely adored him.
- Wow.
- Yep.
- Pressure.
- Mm!
Yeah, you're telling me.
Um... you know, on paper, he was ideal,
the perfect show dog.
Bring him in front of the audience
and he's trained and groomed.
And take him behind stage,
and he bites and growls like Cujo.
Well, Cujo eventually got
what was coming to him.
Yep. So did Daniel.
Seriously? Dude croaked?
Not so happily-ever-after
after all.
Oh, man, I'm so sorry.
You know...
I still don't know what hurts more...
the fact that the police report
listed his death as "vehicular blowjob"
or the fact that I never got
to tell him to go to hell.
You know, it's just...
I asked for drama, I sure got it.
You're welcome.
You know, as they say,
you know, let bygones be bygones, right?
Tell my mother that.
Yeah, we should probably go, right?
It's getting really late
and I have to wake up
early in the morning,
and I have to go meet
this old associate to nail a chimp.
Nail down a chimp... nail
down a chimp is what I meant.
You know?
Not to mention that I don't have a DJ
or a photographer or a
superhero to save my life.
Well, we can get Louie to DJ for you.
The guy owes me big, I
mean, he's got a bar bill
he'll never be able to pay off.
- Really?
- Yeah.
'Cause, I mean, that would be awesome.
And I... I may not be a
professional photographer
or anything, but I've taken
my fair share of pictures over the years
of, you know, Memo and his pals.
Like, I could do that
for you if you want.
What's the catch?
Just a second date.
Are you kidding me?
You didn't get to second base?
- Can't say that I'm jealous.
- Oh, you should be.
Why? My night consisted of dwarfs,
princesses, warriors... Lucky Charms.
- Hot.
- Oh.
- What?
- Maybe it was the grays
that kept you from
getting to second base.
She must've thrown in the towel.
Um, well, I'm gonna go to bed.
It's late, you coming up?
You know, I'm gonna...
actually, I'm gonna get a snack.
Didn't you just eat?
Uh, no.
It was a first date, you
don't eat on the first date.
Wow, it's been that long?
Must've forgotten the rules.
All right, I love you.
Don't stay up too late, please.
Love you.
Is she still as annoying as ever?
You only think that she's annoying
because she hit on you that one time.
- One time.
- Yeah, one time.
Look, the bottom line is is
that we need a monkey ASAP.
Blue... monkey.
Right, a blue monkey.
So if that means sucking up her advances
and, you know, fulfilling
that promise you made
to that little girl, then I say you need
to buck up and take one for the team.
- Buck up?
- Buck up.
I'm not leaving here without a deal.
Says the pimp.
Oh, you look fabulous for a widow.
And you.
Yeah, I need to... I'm
just... it's important.
Still like a giant kangaroo rat...
small and cute, but
completely unavailable
- due to your endangered status.
- And you...
I am so excited to see
what you picked out for us.
- Aren't we, sis?
- Please, after you.
And after you.
Case, hold all my calls, please.
So I've got some real cute ones.
Oh, thanks, let's see.
Oh, wait, I didn't know you did "Babe. "
I saw the poster out there.
You did? Oh, honey.
I only do babes.
Oh, yeah, this is not gonna work.
This is light blue, Gleek
is more of a... royal blue.
Yeah, Jude, when I said blue,
I meant totally blue,
not just the balls.
Well, tall order.
Small budgets gets you this.
Unless you'd like to barter a deal.
A deal? Oh, God.
I'm gonna be honest, Jude... I mean,
I really just don't have
anything to offer in return.
They have such a tight budget,
and she has me, like,
right by them too, you know?
Oh, what?
- Me?
- Just a thought.
Well, like a date?
Like, just the two of you?
- I don't see how one drink could hurt.
- Oh.
I love that you
haven't lost your professionalism.
Now, you're making me blush.
Um... you know what?
I need to see you for a minute.
- Or two.
- Oh. I'll be right back.
Like now?
I'm not getting traded for a monkey.
I was kidding when I called you a pimp.
It's just one drink, all right?
Jude is a scary, hungry woman,
and I'm not going
anywhere with her. The end.
You're gonna have to tell her that
we need to work out another deal.
- I can't.
- Why? Why can't you?
Because we need this.
Fine, because I need this.
Man, Lexi, Mom was right.
You've given up.
- Excuse
me? - Mm-mm.
No, get back... where are you going?
I honestly, honestly think that
you need to do this on your own.
Wait, are you in cahoots
with Mom or something?
- No, I am...
- This is not like you.
I am bailing because
I'm not a carpet muncher
and I'm not gonna be traded
for some blue-balled monkey.
I cannot talk... what are you doing?
- I'm gonna say...
- Carpet muncher?
Really? How phobic of you.
You know what, Lex? I'm thinking
this isn't going to work out.
I prefer to work with
professionals only.
Wait, wha...
But you just said that you
loved my professionalism.
- We smiled.
- Yeah, I did,
but that was before I was
referred to as a muncher.
Oh, like I'm really that far off.
Can I just...
do you remember when I wanted to quit
real estate classes what you said to me?
You said that you can't
fail if you finish.
I stole that from a self-help video.
Whatever, Lexi, damn, I'm just saying
that you can't let Daniel, and Mom,
and your fucking insecurities
dictate your life.
Ladies, I hate to do this,
but if you could take your
after-school special outside,
that would be great.
I'm trying to conduct a business here.
Lex... Thank you.
By the way, I'm not phobic.
I just prefer brunettes.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Excuse me.
Um, question.
Is this animal-safe?
It's not tested on animals,
if that's what you mean.
Yeah, I get that...
I'm asking if you can use it on animals.
I don't know.
Really helpful, you can just begin...
you can just package
all that up right there.
- Hello?
- Alexis.
Uh, hi, this is Mrs. Wasserstein,
and I am calling with some bad...
some awful news.
Apparently, my very defiant daughter
has taken it upon herself to cancel
her very own Bat Mitzvah.
Wait, wait, wait, what, why? Why?
She, uh, has made up her mind,
and is adamant about wearing a dress
that I feel is completely inappropriate
for a young lady to wear
on such a special occasion.
Well, and... like, maybe if
I can talk to her, I can...
Oh, she won't listen to anybody.
- Oh.
- Inappropriate?
As if she thinks I have fat knees
and she doesn't want to be embarrassed
in front of all her friends.
Give me that!
okay, well, then, I guess I
just have some calls to make,
and... good luck to you and Shari.
Yes, well, that's why
we're in therapy together.
Best of luck to you as well.
Hold your horses! I'm coming!
- Hey, buddy.
- Hey, Alexis.
Um, is my dad expecting
you or something?
Uh, no.
I just was in the neighborhood,
and I needed some milk.
Well, he's in his office, so...
Okay, great, thanks.
Now, I gotta get back to
kicking some Grand Theft butt!
I've waited too long
for us to be together again.
What happened to the passion,
our dreams, our love for each other?
I can't afford to get
myself wrapped up again
in all of your drama.
Look, you know I'll always have
a special place in my heart for you.
But with everything that's
happened, I can't take that risk.
But you promised.
You said that if I
could figure out a way
to get rid of James, then
our lives would change,
and I did.
I did what you asked of me.
What more do you want from me?
That's just it.
Are you really going to say no to me?
Look at what I'm offering you.
Hey, you.
I didn't know you were dropping by.
Uh, yeah, I, um... I tried calling.
Yeah, my... my phone is in the charger.
- Yeah, we were just...
- You know what?
I'm actually... I'm gonna go.
I'm gonna go because I have to go.
Um, but it was nice meeting you.
I don't think we actually met.
You are...
You must've missed the
cash-for-clunkers program.
You could've traded that one
in for some good pocket change.
- Do not do that.
- Do what?
Tell the truth?
Hey. Baby girl, you okay?
I don't know.
I'm sorry I pulled you
out of your meeting.
No worries, I already know the
hidden truth behind the hidden tooth.
And to be perfectly honest, you saved me
from having to drive Stan
Krieger back to Jersey.
So... talk to me, Lexi.
What's got your feathers all ruffled up?
The Bat Mitzvah's off.
Oh, no.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Lexi.
I honestly don't know
what to do anymore, Dad.
What happened?
Mrs. Wasserstein is set on torturing
and controlling her daughter
for the rest of her life.
Okay, then.
What about Shari?
She's not talking to anyone.
I don't... I don't even know what
I would say to her if I could.
Well, you could say
that she's missing out
on a really big thing in life.
It's really a big deal
and that there's nothing
worse than regret.
And you also could
tell her you have a mom.
You understand her frustrations.
You could tell her that it's all going
to work itself out in the end.
It always does, Lexi.
You know that, right?
Now sometimes, you
have to fight the fight
to get what you want.
- You want it?
- I do.
Then go and get it.
You've done it before.
And remember... the Fish
family are not quitters.
Now, we tend to come in last a lot,
but we do not quit.
Talk to Shari.
I really think this will be a
good thing for the both of you.
- You're probably right.
- I am.
And you know, it won't hurt for you
to talk to your own mom too.
Tell her the truth about Daniel...
Dad... Dad.
She deserves to know.
Give her the benefit of the doubt, Lexi.
You know, she does mean well.
It just sometimes comes across
in a lovingly brutal way, you know?
Is it even worth the risk?
Yeah, everything in
life is worth the risk.
It's just up to you to figure out
if it's important enough
for you to take it.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
I am.
- Hey.
- Mm.
- Good morning.
- Where's Dad?
At the store.
Those look gross.
Oh, no.
Liliana's about to seduce
her husband's killer.
No, Mom, please not today,
not today, please not today.
I wasn't going to say anything,
but please, just put my show back on.
Look at her.
She's perfect.
I bet you she never
goes out of the house
- without her makeup on.
- She doesn't.
So your father tells
me that the Bat Mitzvah
has been cancelled... what happened?
Shari's mom wants her
to get another dress,
but Shari refuses, so...
And that's it? It's just about a dress?
So why doesn't Shari just listen
to what her mother asks
and pick another dress?
I don't know, she's a pre-teen.
They never listen to their mothers.
It's not just the pre-teens, hija.
I thought maybe I'd go over there today
and try to convince her to get
the party back on. You know?
I don't want her to miss
her Bat Mitzvah. It'd suck.
I don't think it's
your place to interfere
with a mother and her child.
As I have always said,
no one knows what's in the chicken soup
except the chicken and the chef.
The one thing I agree with you on, Mom.
Well, then let it be.
Let those two figure out
what their differences are
before you stick your
beak into their business.
Easier said than done, don't you think?
Nobody likes a sticky beak, Lexita.
Let them worry about their problems,
and you worry about yours.
if that's the way you feel,
then I've been meaning to
talk to you about something.
Oh, oh, no, no, un momento, please.
Uh, you know what?
That's... that's no worries.
No, no, no... oh, please, Lexitmira.
It's just that I have been waiting
so long for this moment...
Tell me about it.
Okay, I'm sorry, sit down.
Talk to me... what is
it you want to tell me?
Okay. Ahem.
All right, okay.
- In going with your... Mom.
- What?
In using your analogy with
the soup to the chef...
I was the chef,
and Daniel was the big,
fat, cheating chicken.
You know you never
speak ill of the dead.
- You know better than that.
- Speak ill?
I'm... I'm trying to tell
you that he made himself out
to be something that he wasn't.
Smoke and mirrors, Mom.
He cheated, lied about everything, okay?
He lied about our savings.
he lied about his successful business.
When he died, he left me with nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
$4 hair dye.
Well, regardless,
you never talk about someone
who cannot defend themselves.
Okay, see, I knew this was a bad idea.
Somehow, you would spin it around on me,
but so much for the
mother and daughter talk.
I'm just hoping that Mrs. Wasserstein
isn't as closed-minded as you
or else Shari is screwed for life.
It was a risk, but at least you tried.
I told you, Dad.
Hey! Hey! Weird! Right?
What are you doing here?
Hey, look, I'm not the enemy, all right?
I mean, I know you don't wanna talk
to your mom, but you could talk to me.
Sorry, I just don't
wanna talk about it, okay?
Totally, I get it.
Um... so, uh...
so I saw that you got a number.
- Huh?
- What?
Well, that boy over there, and...
and I saw him pass you a note.
I... I assumed it was digits.
Are you stalking me?
No! Oh, God, no! No,
no, no! No need to run!
Look, I mean, I was running
before. That's why I'm so sweaty.
I was just doing a jog, and,
you know, poof! Here you were.
So... yeah.
Okay, well, good seeing you, I guess.
Well, I mean, seeing that we're here,
you might as well show me that
mysterious, taboo dress of yours.
Look, I get what you're trying to do,
but there's no way you're
gonna get me to change my mind.
My mom and I won't
even agree to disagree,
and that's just the way it is.
I'm so not going to lose sleep over it.
Oh, wait, but you will.
Eventually... I mean, it's just years.
I'm not sleeping, so...
look, you don't even have to try it on.
I was going to return it tomorrow,
but it sure is pretty.
I guess I can show it to you.
Great, awesome, yay.
It's so pretty.
- You think?
- Yes.
Oh, it would be a shame not to wear it.
I mean, at least once,
in front of all your best friends.
Just think about how
crazy jealous they'd be.
They'd be insanely jealous.
I know.
You gotta try it on, you must.
Just like my sister.
Total "Princess Diaries. "
I love it.
Uh, what... what happened?
Hey, no, no, no, no, what happened?
No... what happened?
What happened to the
happy? We were so happy?
I don't know.
I just don't wanna
spend the entire night
worrying about what
my mother is spending
the entire night worrying about.
You know what I mean?
I wish I didn't, but I do, kiddo.
I mean, I would have
chosen another dress,
but I really like this one.
That's because it's perfect.
And, um...
maybe we can just adjust it
to make your mother happy.
Not likely.
Woo-hoo, Shari, I'm back
from my Botox luncheon!
Would you get that look off your face?
You look more surprised than I do.
Shari, I thought
we discussed that dress.
Now, go take it off.
I think she looks awesome in it.
Well, have you taken
a gander at her knees?
I mean, please, let's be honest.
Mrs. Wasserstein, with all due respect,
she's your daughter.
Oh, I'm aware.
37 hours in labor, four
hours tummy tucking.
It's not something you forget
that quickly. I'm just saying.
I thought she was adopted.
I said "labor. "
I meant "laser. "
I had a little laser freshening up.
You know, I wanted to be fabulous
for the unveiling of the baby.
Did you ever stop to think that maybe
she's okay with the way she looks?
Alexis, she's a teenager. They're
never okay with the way they look
and some of them for good reason.
You know, I'm not one to stick my beak
where it doesn't belong,
but you can quite possibly
be making it worse by calling
attention to her shortcomings.
Alexis, it's
obvious that you're not a mom.
Do you have any idea
what it's like for the...
for the teenagers of
today, for the kids of today
with all the bullying going on?
Well, mothers can be bullies too.
Alexis, I am
just trying to prepare her
for the real world in my way.
It's called good parenting.
Okay. If I may.
This could possibly be the
lowest point in my life.
But, I am begging you, begging
you, to let her wear that dress.
I mean, she likes it, okay?
She wants it, she's happy in it.
Before you walked in, she was spinning!
And not to mention,
I really need this to happen.
I can't go back to L.A., I have
absolutely nothing left there for me.
I know, I know I'm not
a mother, but I have one.
And I will bet just about anything
that all she wants is a
little love and approval.
So, what do you say, huh?
My dear Alexis,
I had no idea you were this damaged.
Don't take this moment away from her.
Okay, over a dress?
I promise you it's not worth it.
Oh, for Pete's sake.
I think what you really
need to concentrate on
is getting laid.
Because it is a much
more rewarding release
than sticking your beak
into other people's business.
What if I added some
ruffles around the trim?
It will cover my knees, and that
way, it's a win-win for all of us.
Yes! Boom! Yeah!
They're just knees.
Good thinking, yes!
Yeah, and anyway, you've gotta feel good
about the fact that they don't
come from your side of the family.
that might make me feel
a little bit better.
I don't know, I don't
know, I don't know.
I will consider it.
So, we're back on?
I can keep planning?
Yeah, but don't think for one second
that if I didn't have more time,
you wouldn't be replaced.
I'm late.
Of course, noted!
You're gonna have a Bat Mitzvah
You're gonna have a Bat Mitzvah.
All right, so,
I know it doesn't look like much now,
but just add balloons, centerpieces,
superheroes, lights, music.
This is all wrong, awful.
The curtains closed on the day
And your colors have all turned
To shades of blue
Outside your window today
All you can see is the rain
The sun is shining on
everyone else but you
You make it somehow
So jump on board now
Get up, get up
Tell me what you're waiting for
Reach out, reach out
I know you've been wanting more
So wake up, wake up
There's a world upon
you waiting for you
All you gotta do is
Get up, get up
Feel the force inside your heart
Reach out, reach out
Ride upon a shooting star...
All right.
Ah, okay!
Wonder Bash
We will do your party
even if you don't have cash
We will swipe your
credit card so, so fast
'Cause we're Wonder Bash.
Come in.
Your father let me in.
I'm sorry I'm so late,
I tried to close down early.
Still not a fan.
Ahem. Well, um...
so, you know how they say
that there are those people
who star in your life,
and those that are
just background extras?
Well, that's what they say.
But, what I'm trying to say
is that my ex is... is just that.
An extra, in the background,
like... like noise.
Dead air, to be exact.
Okay, yeah, well, she did
not look like dead air.
She looked quite alive and comfortable
in her spandex.
- Yeah, about that.
She's shooting a film,
and she offered me a crumb.
Which, I might add, I'm not biting.
Because I'm honestly done with all that.
I'm not looking to make
a sequel of that drama.
Really? 'Cause, um,
what was all that talk
about her leaving Jason,
you know, and you guys
getting back together?
It's just acting.
Just running lines, that's it.
She wanted me to audition for this role
'cause she thought it might
get me back in the game.
And for a nanosecond, I thought,
I might still want it.
The acting, that is.
But... but I don't.
And that's where you come in.
Yeah, it's weird.
But, for some reason,
not knowing you a whole lot
doesn't matter.
'Cause you just fit the part,
you know what I'm saying?
I never really fit the part.
Probably why I got kicked
out of Hebrew school.
Well, that, and punching
Jessica Katz in the throat
for saying I was adopted from Vietnam.
- I gave it to her good.
- Were you?
And, they're fake.
Well, at least they don't die.
Just need a little
dusting from time to time.
- Yeah, well, I don't dust.
- I do.
- Do you?
- Mm-hmm.
- Are you
gonna kiss me? - Mm-hmm.
Okay, well, then, I think you should.
Oh, lovely, thank you so much.
Da-da-da-da! - You look amazing.
Oh, my God, thank you!
Getting it together!
I know, even though
clearly this is a knock off.
All right, tall order, small budget.
- This is what you get.
- Thank you, Jude.
Regardless, do not spill
anything on it, okay?
- 'Cause it's rental.
- Damn it, I knew it!
Hey, will you do me a favor and just
hold down the floor for a second?
I gotta handle something,
I'll be right back.
- You know it.
- All right, thank you.
By the way, looking
pretty sexy Lexi today.
Stop it.
See, if Superman could come
back from the dead, so could you.
- That wasn't...
- That's a compliment.
- Didn't feel like one.
- It is a compliment!
Mm! Mm!
I would compliment
that. Any time you like.
I need to go save some lives.
I can do this.
I wish you would have told me sooner.
Did Dad send you?
I came to talk on my own.
Why didn't you tell me the truth?
And surrender my pride?
I should have known something was wrong
with your marriage when you started
gaining all that weight.
I'm gonna assume that that
came from a good place.
Ay mija. I love you.
I never meant for you to question that.
Mira Lexita, I...
maybe I didn't give you the guidance
and the support that you wanted.
But, I... I gave you
what I knew how to give.
I know, Mom.
You look beautiful.
- You think so?
- I know so.
Good luck out there.
All right, so...
okay, let's scooch
in a little over here.
Starman, if you come up
a little bit, thank you.
Okay, ready?
Very nice, very nice.
Nice Yamaka.
Thank you.
You guys look incredible.
You look pretty good yourself.
Thank you.
You do clean up well.
Oh, that was a little backhanded,
but I'll take it from you.
Do you wanna come with
me to the loading dock
to pick up our guest of honor, please?
Sure, sure.
Hey Memo, I'll be back in just a minute.
Best behavior, yeah?
- Okay.
- All right.
You're it. No tag backs.
...right around the corner, but...
Yeah, so, Casey sends
her sincerest apologies.
But, the monkey she booked for you guys
got booked to play Abu in "Aladdin".
On Broadway, hm.
So, she sent Mookie to take his place.
I'll be back at 5:00 to pick him up.
Okay, uh, Mookie's not a monkey.
Oh, what makes you say that?
He's not a monkey, but he's, uh...
he's cute.
I like his little cape.
That man was kinda creepy, right?
- Yeah, definitely creepy.
- Yeah?
- Okay.
- Fat chance.
Ta-da, not a monkey!
All right, tall order, small budget.
- This is what you get.
- Yeah, yeah.
You get a small South American rodent.
You know, I really don't think Shari
will be able to tell the difference.
Oh, isn't he cute? But it does
not take a rocket scientist
to see that is definitely not a monkey.
Not a monkey at all.
Oh, my God. Monkey!
Mom, look! He's awesome!
You guys rock.
You totally saved my day.
That's what we are here for.
- Oh!
- Oh, Lord, Lord!
You got him?
- There you go.
- Mm!
- Okay.
- All right!
So, maybe she's in special ed.
That, we're not gonna say again.
- Oh.
- You know, maybe I should
go and take some pictures
of her with the rodent.
All right, just, ahem,
photograph her from the waist up.
Just go waist up.
Nice job.
I see you took a little bit of my advice
and got yourself a piece of man candy.
- Oh!
- Bravo!
Excuse me, honey,
but can you escort me to the latrine?
I may need your assistance.
And suddenly, it's all so clear.
Like a crystal.
Photography, waist up.
Lookie, lookie!
What do you have here?
Did you get a number at a Bat Mitzvah?
That costume must really
be working for you.
No, woman, it is for you!
That woman on table 20
wants you to call her
about her husband's
surprise 60th birthday party!
- Whoop whoop!
- Get it, get it.
No, burn it!
- What, the number?
- Never.
Hey, hey, hey!
To all the love birds in the house,
I got this
oldie-but-goodie for ya.
- No, no, no.
- You owe me.
Thinking about you
Oh, you waited so long...
Oh, you know what?
Nice, that was a great shot, thank you.
No, thank you.
You tried to open my eyes
Like a brand new day...
- Are you?
- Yeah, look at that.
Oh, oh!
Oh, my goodness, I never knew.
Look at that, what a prize, huh?
Take care, thanks for coming.
Here you go, honey.
You trying to steal one of my gift bags?
You hungry?
Well, where did Memo go?
The babysitter just picked him up.
Yeah, I'm starving.
After you.
Ah, that was a successful day, huh?
Rodent and all.
You think?
You know, it's all about perception.
If you think it is, then it is.
I think it was amazing.
It was good, right?
A woman's heart, you know the way.
Cheesy goodness, mm.
I knew it.
I haven't had a slider in ages.
Why, why would you deprive yourself?
I guess I... I don't know.
I guess I got used to, uh,
not giving myself the good
things in life, you know?
And now?
I guess I can change my flight.
That's a good start, right?
It's a great start.
So show me, show me
What you can't say
You want to know me
Well, find a way
'Cause I've been waiting
and praying for someone
I can't see
So show me, show me, show me
Don't let me be
Your lips are
filled with passion
When we lay down in our bed
But they don't seem as certain
When you leave the words unsaid
I'm craving just a moment
To gaze into your mind
All I'm asking
Is for a little sign
So show me, show me
What you can't say
You want to know me
Well, find a way
'Cause I've been waiting
and praying for someone
I can't see
So, baby, won't you show me
Don't let me leave
You know that you're in love
When you can't fall asleep
Reality is finally better
Than your dreams
So tell me everything you need
I'll give you everything of me
So show me, show me, yeah
Yeah, uh-huh
You say you're
testing the waters
Casting out this line
Now you better reel me in
Or say bye-bye
So show me, show me
What you can't say
You want to know me
Well, find a way
'Cause I've been waiting
and praying for someone
I can't see
So, baby, won't you show me
Don't let me leave
So show me, show me
What you can't say
You want to know me
Well, find a way
'Cause I've been waiting
and praying for someone
I can't see
So, baby, won't you show me
Don't let me be
Show me, show me, show me
Don't let me leave.
Don't wanna go back
To where I started
Not when I've come this far
Yeah, I was worn down
I had it all wrong
Sinking deep into you
To hide from me
The struggle with what I see
And what I choose to make of it
Comes down to this one thing
My life can't change
If I stay stuck in yesterday
So I'm getting out of my own way
I remind myself again and again
And I'm getting
out of my own way
I'm learning to trust
these curvy roads
More than the straight
Don't dare drink that bar dry
And then leave me all
messed up like that
And say there's nothing wrong
I'm done with this game
Find someone else
Don't try to convince me
With your warped reality, yeah
I've had my reasons
To believe I could love enough
For both you and
me frozen in fantasy
The lies keep taunting me
And I can barely breath
So I'm getting out of my own way
I remind myself again and again
And I'm getting
out of my own way
I'm learning to trust
these curvy roads
More than the straight
And now I'm saying
Exactly what I mean
I can't let fear control me
Not anymore
Not anymore
Not anymore
'Cause I'm getting
out of my own way
Dumping all baggage
down the drain
Making room for a brand new day
I'm learning to trust
these curvy roads
More than the straight
So I'm getting out of my own way
I remind myself again and again
I'm getting out of my own way
I'm learning to trust
these curvy roads
More than the straight
'Cause it's too late to go back
To where I started.