Small Timers (2011) Movie Script
[ FENCE RATTLES ]
[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]
OH, WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT, WAIT.
[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ]
HEY, BABY.
OH, HELL NO!
YEAH, DADDY WILL HOME
IN A FEW MOMENTS, BABY.
GET OFF THE PHONE.
YOU JUST BE A GOOD GIRL
AND LISTEN TO THE BABYSITTER.
WATCH OUT, MAN.
NO, NO, WE DO NOT THROW FORKS
AT PEOPLE.
PLAY NICE, GIRL.
Ricardo: [ SHRIEKS ]
YO, CHRIS.
YEAH.
YOU SURE
THIS IS THE RIGHT PLACE?
[ CLEARS THROAT ] Y-YEAH,
THIS IS THE ELECTRONIC WAREHOUSE
WELL,
WHY THEY PAINTING?
UH [CLEARS THROAT]
T-THEY PROBABLY RENOVATING
OR SOMETHING.
IN A WAREHOUSE?
[ CLATTERING ]
HEY, WHAT WAS THAT?
YOUR IMAGINATION.
DON'T START THAT.
GET OFF ME.
WHAT?
I THINK THAT'S IT.
WHERE?
RIGHT THERE.
MAN,
THAT'S WAY UP THERE, MAN.
HEY, RICARDO,
CHECK THE OTHER SIDE.
BY MYSELF?
NO,
WITH PIPPI LONGSTOCKINGS.
WHO?
GO ON, MAN.
COME ON.
[ BALLS RATTLING ]
BALLS?
[ GRUNTS ]
STICKS.
CANDY?
CANDY!
MMM,
I'M GONNA TAKE THIS.
YO, CHRIS!
Antoine!
I found some candy, man.
ZOMBIES!
[ SCREAMS ]
[ SHRIEKING ]
AW, HELL,
I KNOW WHAT THAT WAS. LETS GO!
[ SHRIEKS ]
ZOMBIES!
THEY GOT GUNS!
AAH!
NO! HE'S GOT ME! AAH!
[ Sobbing ]
HE'S EATING MY LEGS!
[ CRYING ]
[ GRUNTS ]
[ ALARM RINGING ]
HE'S EATING MY LEGS!
[ FARTS ]
AW, NO. NO! NO!
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
LETS GO!
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
I TOLD YOU
TO STEAL A WHITE VAN!
MAN, I WASN'T GONNA
TO STEAL NO VAN.
I JUST RENTED ONE.
AND WHAT THEY HELL IS
THAT SMELL?!
Antoine: "LATE WEDNESDAY NIGHT,
A GROUP OF BUNGLING BANDITS
"ATTEMPTED
TO ROB THE WAREHOUSE
"ON THE SOUTH SIDE
OF THE OLD WATERFRONT DISTRICT,
"ONLY TO HAVE
THEIR CAPER FOILED
"BY A 92-YEAR-OLD
SECURITY GUARD.
"THE WAREHOUSE, WHICH IS
"THE FIRST OF MANY RENOVATIONS
IN THE AREA,
"IS SCHEDULED TO OPEN
AS A CHUCK E. CHEESE FRANCHISE
EARLIER NEXT YEAR."
[ Muffled ]
CHUCK E. CHEESE?
DAWG, WE ON PAGE SIX,
NEXT TO THE COMICS.
YOU KNOW
THEY DID THIS SHIT ON PURPOSE.
MEANWHILE, LOOK WHO GETS
PAGE ONE AGAIN.
WHO?
Chris:
"FEARLESS FREDDY STRIKES AGAIN."
OH, MAN,
WHAT DID HE STEAL THIS TIME?
DIAMONDS.
PASS ME
THE WANT ADS, BROTHER.
I GOT TO FIND A JOB, MAN.
AND A DAY CARE, TOO.
I CAME HOME LAST NIGHT.
I HAD TO TAKE THE BABYSITTER
TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM.
LOOK, MAN,
THE ANSWER'S NOT IN THAT PAPER.
WE GOT TO HOLD OU FOR THE BIG SCORE.
THAT'S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY,
MR. CAREER.
WHAT, THE BANK?
MAN, THAT'S ONE STEP ABOVE
PLANTATION WORK, BROTHER.
LOOK, MAN, TRUST ME.
WE CAN GET PAID.
PAID.
JUST GOT TO KNOW
WHERE TO LOOK FOR IT.
WE DON'T KNOW SHIT.
I CAN
CALL THAT GUY AGAIN.
WHAT GUY?
MR. WHISPER.
THAT MAN IS NOT GONNA
PUT US ON A HEIS BECAUSE WE'RE AMATEURS.
NO, NO, NO.
GUYS LIKE MR. WHISPER ARE
ALWAYS LOOKING FOR CREWS
TO PULL DOWN JOBS.
DAWG,
ITS SUPPLY AND DEMAND.
WE JUST GOT TO CATCH HIM
AT THE RIGHT TIME.
WHAT TIME IS IT?
LOOK, MAN,
I HATE THE BANK.
RICARDO HATES
THE PAWNSHOP.
ACTUALLY --
SHUT UP!
YOU GOT TO MAKE RENT NEXT MONTH,
RIGHT, BROTHER?
I MEAN,
WHAT'S A CALL GONNA HURT?
OR, HEY, YOU COULD, UH,
KEEP CIRCLING THOSE WANT ADS.
HEY, NEED A PEN?
THAT'S A GOOD ONE
RIGHT THERE.
DOOKIE SCRAPER.
$6.75 AN HOUR.
[ PIANO PLAYING
MID-TEMPO MUSIC ]
SO,
WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED TODAY?
YOLANDA, HAVE I NOT BEEN
GENEROUS TO YOU?
[ Crying ]
MR. RUSSO, PLEASE.
I CAN EXPLAIN.
YES, I HAVE,
AND YET YOU STILL HAD
THE AUDACITY
TO SEAL FROM ME,
DIDN'T YOU?
I'M SO SORRY,
MR. RUSSO.
UNFORTUNATELY,
SORRY DOESN'T REPLACE
THE $20 YOU STOLE FROM ME,
NOW, DOES IT?
BUT, MR. RUSSO,
MY CHILDREN --
THEY NEEDED TO GO
TO THE HOSPITAL.
SILENCE!
[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]
NO ONE STEALS FROM ME,
YOLANDA.
UNFORTUNATELY,
YOU ARE...FIRED.
[ LAUGHING ]
NO!
NO!
I'M KIDDING.
YOU'RE NOT --
YOU'RE NOT FIRED.
[ LAUGHTER ]
KILL HER.
[ SCREAMS ]
[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]
WELL PLAYED,
MR. RUSSO.
[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]
MMM.
WORKIE TIME.
[ MUSIC STOPS ]
[ TELEPHONE BEEPING ]
OKAY, TELL ME AGAIN,
WHY DO WE HAVE TO BE IN HERE?
'CAUSE, MAN,
JALISSA WILL BE HOME ANY MINUTE.
SHE CAN'T KNOW
WHAT WE'RE DOING.
BUT WHY DO WE HAVE TO BE
IN THE SHOWER, MAN?
Soundproof.
ANTOINE,
YOU LOSING YOUR HAIR, MAN?
SHUT UP.
IT'S RINGING.
MR. WHISPER: Yes?
MR WHISPER.
YOU MUST HAVE
THE WRONG NUMBER.
OH RIGHT, RIGHT,
T-THE PASSWORD.
UM...
HUSH, LITTLE BABY
SHORT AND STOUT
TO FETCH
A PAIL OF WATER
ALL THE KINGS HORSES
AND ALL THE KINGS MEN
HICKORY, DICKORY, DOCK
I'm listening.
YEAH, YEAH,
I-IT'S ANTOINE CALLING AGAIN.
UM...ME AND MY CREW WERE
JUST LOOKING TO,
YOU KNOW, PULL DOWN A JOB.
YOU GOT ANYTHING LINED UP?
LET ME GIVE YOU
SOME ADVICE, ANTOINE.
WHEN THREE BLIND MICE SI A ON A TUFFET,
THE COW JUMPS
OVER THE MOON.
[ Click ]
WHAT THE HELL
DOES THAT MEAN?
IT'S A RIDDLE.
ITS NOT A RIDDLE, MAN.
HE'S BLOWING US OFF.
I TOLD YOU
THIS WAS A WASTE OF TIME, MAN.
WHOA, WHOA, YOU GOT TO HAVE
A LITTLE FAITH, BROTHER.
I GOT TO HAVE A JOB,
MAN.
I CAN'T BE
CHASING PIPE DREAMS.
OH.
OH.
HEY, GUYS.
HEY, BABY.
[ CHUCKLES ]
WHAT YOU DOING HOME
SO EARLY?
I HAD
A DOCTOR'S APPOINTMEN BABY, WE WAS --
I DON'T EVEN WAN TO KNOW.
BUT WHEN Y'ALL GET DONE
PLAYING,
I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.
IT'S IMPORTANT.
JALISSA, GIRL,
YOU LOOK GOOD.
MM, YEAH.
I AGREE.
GOT IT, SIR.
GOOD MORNING,
HONEY.
WHERE'S YOLANDA?
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
UH...VACATION.
SO, HOW'S MY LOVELY WIFE
THIS MORNING?
A LITTLE LONELY.
WELL,
DADDY HAS TO WORK HARD
TO BUY YOU ALL THE THINGS
YOU WANT, NOW, DOESN'T HE?
I KNOW.
WHY DON'T YOU AND ME
GO UPSTAIRS
AND PLAY OURSELVES
A LITTLE GAME, YEAH?
[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]
MR. RUSSO'S ESTATE.
ONE MOMENT, PLEASE.
[ ZIPPER OPENS ]
[ CLEARS THROAT LOUDLY ]
THANK YOU, JEFFREY.
HELLO?
AH,
MR. FEARLESS FREDDY.
NOT NOW.
ONLY IN THE DARK.
YES, YOU ARE
A HARD MAN TO GET AHOLD OF.
YOU'RE QUITE THE LEGEND.
I'M SURPRISED THAT WE HAVEN' SPOKEN BEF-- OH! ...FORE.
NOW, TELL ME, MR. FREDDY,
WHAT DO YOU KNOW
ABOUT CAESAR'S PHALLUS?
CAESAR'S PHALLUS...
A UNIQUE ITEM INDEED.
IT WAS A GIF TO QUEEN VICTORIA
DURING THE LAST YEARS
OF HER REIGN.
CAN I TOUCH THIS?
PLEASE DO.
DAMN, THIS IS HEAVY.
OOH.
YES, YES, IT IS.
OH, BOY, THIS IS NICE.
BRING NEW MEANING TO,
"DIAMONDS ARE
A GIRL'S BEST FRIEND."
[ CHUCKLES ]
WELL ITS ALMOST 3:00.
SO, HOW LONG IS THIS GONNA BE
IN SAN FRANCISCO?
OH, THERE'S BEEN
A CHANGE IN PLANS.
GENTLEMEN.
HERE'S YOUR PACKAGE.
YES.
NOW, EXERCISE GREAT CARE
OF THIS, WON'T YOU?
IN SOME CIRCLES,
THIS IS PRICELESS.
I THINK I'M GONNA GO
TAKE MY BREAK NOW
OH, MY.
OH, MY, MY, MY.
DID I HAVE THAT ERECTION
THE ENTIRE TIME?
[ SIMULATED GUNFIRE,
EXPLOSIONS ]
BOO-YAH, BITCH!
HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW?
Antoine:
HOLD UP! HOLD UP!
[ LAUGHS ]
YOU BEEN PRACTICING.
YOU BEEN --
THAT'S GAME, BABY!
OH, OH, OH, OH.
OH, OH, OH.
YOUR BREATH STINK.
[ LAUGHS ]
[ SMOOCHES ]
NICE.
I DIDN'T WAN TO PLAY THAT GAME, NO WAY.
YOU'VE BEEN
PRACTICING THAT.
COME ON,
I DIDN'T BEAT YOU THAT BAD.
OH, NO, ITS NOT THAT.
BELIEVE ME.
THAT'S PROBABLY
THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY DAY.
AW, SPENDING TIME
WITH YOUR WIFE IS
THE HIGHLIGHT OF YOUR DAY.
OH, MY GOSH,
YOUR LIFE TOTALLY SUCKS.
I'M JUST SAYING.
SAYING WHAT?
NOTHING.
JUST ANOTHER HARD DAY AT WORK.
THAT'S ALL.
YOU WANT TO KNOW
WHY EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE OKAY?
YES, PLEASE, TELL ME.
BECAUSE YOU'RE STILL GOOD
AT YOUR NUMBER-ONE JOB,
AND THAT'S BEING
HEAD OF THIS HOUSEHOLD.
YOU DO STILL LIKE
THAT JOB, RIGHT?
THE BENEFITS ARE
PRETTY GOOD.
[ CHUCKLES ]
[ LAUGHS ]
UM...NOW THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE
I NEED TO TELL YOU.
OKAY.
I'M PREGNANT.
BABY, THAT'S...
DADDY!
ALL I SAID WAS
MAKE IT CLAP GIRL...
HI.
OH, HEY, BABY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP?
I'M PLAYING WITH DAISY.
WHO?
DAISY, OUR DOG, DADDY.
OH, BABY.
DAISY PASSED AWAY,
REMEMBER?
WE BURIED HER IN THE GARDEN
ABOUT THREE MONTHS AGO.
NOW SHE'S
ON THE COFFEE TABLE.
WHAT IS THAT?
I MADE BREAKFAST!
[ LAUGHS ]
OH, MY GOD.
RICARDO, GET BACK TO WORK.
YOU'RE LAZY.
CHUTIA.
HEY, MR. BUKKAKI,
YOU REMEMBER MY FRIEND ANTOINE?
YEAH,
I REMEMBER ANTWINE.
DON'T STEAL ANYTHING,
OKAY?
[ COUGHING LOUDLY ]
ON YOUR WAY TO WORK?
[ BELL JINGLES ]
Antoine: YEAH.
WHAT'S UP, MAN?
NOTHING, MAN, I JUST --
HOLD ON.
HEY, YOU BETTER HAVE SOME MONEY
OR SOMETHING TO SELL, MAN!
I AM JUST LOOKING, BRO.
YEAH,
LOOKING TO STEAL SOMETHING.
MAN, THIS DUDE COMES IN HERE
ALL THE TIME,
TRYING TO JACK
MR. BUKKAKI.
SO, WHAT'S UP MAN?
LET ME ASK YOU
A QUESTION.
ARE YOU HAPPY
THE WAY YOUR LIFE IS?
YEAH, MAN.
I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW.
SOMETIMES, YEAH.
HEY!
I DID NOT DO NOTHING.
PUT IT BACK!
COME ON.
ALL RIGHT, UH...
CAMILLA, BABY, SEE...
UH, IF MY JACKET IS...
IN THE CAR.
Camilla: IT IS.
[ SIGHS ]
Damn.
GREAT.
BUT I'M SAYING...
YOU LIKE WORKING HERE?
JUST SCRAPING BY
EACH MONTH?
DON'T YOU FEEL LIKE
SOMETHING ELSE IS MISSING?
SOMETIMES, YEAH.
LIKE WHAT?
[ BELL JINGLES ]
HER.
[ HEART BEATING ]
HI, RICARDO.
HEY, JADE.
UH, YOU GOT SOMETHING
YOU WANT TO SELL?
YEAH. IS HE HERE?
YEAH.
H-HE'S IN THE BACK.
OH.
Antoine:
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
UH, JADE,
T-THIS IS, UH...
THIS -- ANTOINE, THIS --
NICE TO MEET YOU.
NICE TO MEET YOU,
ANTOINE.
UH,
YOU CAN GO TO THE BACK.
I'M GONNA
GO IN THE BACK.
OKAY.
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
CRAZY. [ CHUCKLES ]
CRAZY.
YO,
WHAT'S UP WITH HER?
JADE?
YEAH.
SHE COMES HERE
A COUPLE TIMES A MONTH.
DOES BUSINESS
WITH MR. BUKKAKI.
THAT'S ABOUT ALL I KNOW.
WHY DON'T YOU
ASK HER OUT?
[ SCOFFS, LAUGHS ]
YOU SERIOUS?
YEAH.
[ SCOFFS ]
NO, MAN.
COME ON. WHAT?
MAN, GIRLS LIKE THAT ARE LIKE
A GLASS SLIPPER, MAN.
AND I'M LIKE...
A SOCK
WITH DOO-DOO ON IT.
WHAT?
WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?
SHE'S EVERYTHING
EVERYBODY TOLD ME
I WOULD NEVER HAVE.
YOU NEED TO GET THA OUT OF YOUR HEAD, MAN.
YOU, ME, AND CHRIS --
WE GOT TO MAKE A CHANGE.
STEP OUR GAME UP.
GET OUR LIVES BACK ON TRACK.
TAKE WHAT WE WANT.
YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M SAYING?
[ Rapping ]
I GOT A PAYCHECK
SITTIN' IN THE BANK,
MY J.O.B. I'D LIKE TO THANK
A FRESH NEW CROWN
AND COKE TO DRINK...
HOLD ON.
HOW ARE YOU?
UH, I'M HERE FOR THE --
THE INTERVIEW.
MY NAME IS
CHRISTOPHER FEEPS.
FEEPS. OKAY.
AH, YES. GOT YOU RIGHT THERE.
MM-HMM.
ALL RIGHT, IT'S JUST GONNA BE
THROUGH THOSE DOUBLE DOORS.
SOMETIMES I GET PISSED
GET MAD AT JOBS,
I JUST QUIT
OKAY, NOW, CAMILLA,
DADDY REALLY NEEDS YOU...
TO BE
ON YOUR BEST BEHAVIOR
'cause daddy really needs
this job.
HOW DO I LOOK?
GOOD.
HOW'S MY TIE?
PERFECT.
OKAY. HIGH FIVE.
DOWN LOW.
TOO SLOW.
HEY.
YOU WAN TO PLAY A GAME?
WHAT'S UP, GIRL?
MISTER ED!
HEY, HOW YOU DOING?
ALL RIGHT.
HOW YOU DOING?
ALL RIGHT.
VANESSA,
WHAT'S UP DAWG?
FORGET YOU, THEN.
HEY, MS. BEN,
HOW YOU DOING?
HEY,
MR. SIMMS NEEDS TO SEE YOU.
FOR WHAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
OKAY.
Bukkaki: YOU BRING BACK
MORE MERCHANDISE LIKE THAT,
I GIVE YOU GOOD PRICE.
OKAY,
YOU CAN COUNT ON IT.
Take what you want.
HEY, JADE.
YEAH.
UH....
I WAS WONDERING...
RICARDO.
TOILET OVERFLOW.
GODZILLA SHI IN THE BATHROOM.
YOU GO CLEAN IT UP.
I GOT TO GO
CLEAN UP DOOKIE.
OKAY, WELL, IF YOU SURVIVE,
MAYBE ILL SEE YOU LATER.
BYE.
[ BELL JINGLES ]
THAT'S EVERYTHING I WAN FROM THIS ORGANIZATION
AND EVERYTHING
I CAN PROVIDE.
I BELIEVE
THAT WITH THE --
Receptionist:
[ SCREAMING ]
HEY!
THAT WASN'T TWO MINUTES.
DADDY, ARE YOU DONE YET?
'CAUSE I GOT TO DROP A DEUCE.
AS YOU KNOW, YOUR DRAWER WAS
SHORT $1,200 ON FRIDAY.
YEAH, I KNOW.
I TOLD SCOTT ABOUT THAT ALREADY.
IT WAS A COMPUTER ERROR.
WASN'T ME.
YEAH, UM,
I SPOKE WITH SCOTT YESTERDAY,
AND, UH, THE PROBLEM IS,
UNFORTUNATELY,
IN SCENARIOS LIKE THIS,
WHERE SUCH A LARGE SUM IS
MISSING...
YOU KNOW WE'VE GO NO RECOURSE.
WE GOT TO HOLD
THE TELLER RESPONSIBLE
AND TAKE APPROPRIATE ACTION.
SO YOU'RE GONNA
WRITE ME UP?
WELL, GIVEN THE AMOUN AND THE FACT THAT YOU HAVEN' BALANCED SEVERAL TIMES BEFORE...
NO, NO, NO,
THAT WAS TWICE,
AND NEITHER TIME WAS
OVER $5.
WELL THAT MIGHT BE THE CASE,
BUT COMPANY POLICY IS
VERY, VERY CLEAR
ON THESE MATTERS.
SO YOU'RE [SCOFFS]
YOU'RE FIRING ME?
I'M SORRY, ANTOINE.
NO, NO, NO, LOOK.
LOOK,
ARE YOU GONNA GET VIOLENT?
NO, JUST LISTEN TO ME,
OKAY?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M SORRY.
HEY,
THERE'S NO NEED FOR THIS.
GET BACK THERE!
GET BACK THERE!
OW! OH, LORD!
SECURITY!
GET OFF THE PHONE!
SECURITY!
GET BACK.
OW! OW!
SECURITY,
GET IN HERE!
GET HIM!
GET HIM! GET HIM!
HE'S TRYING TO KILL ME!
Antoine: OW! OW!
I THINK
HE'S GOT A WEAPON.
OHH!
HIT HIM AGAIN!
OH, THAT SHIT HURTS!
HIT HIM AGAIN!
OH, THAT SHIT HURTS!
HIT HIM AGAIN!!
OHH! OHH!
OH, HELL, MY SHOE.
OH,
HE'S GOING FOR A SHANK!
A WHAT?
[ ELECTRICITY BUZZES ]
ARRRGGGHHHH!
AAH!
AND DON'T USE US
AS A REFERENCE.
SIR.
[ KEYS CLACKING ]
SEEMS THE SYSTEM DUPLICATED
AN ONLINE DEPOSIT FOR $1,200.
IT'S JUST A GLITCH.
I FIXED IT.
OH. WELL...
WE CERTAINLY DON'T NEED
TROUBLEMAKERS WORKING FOR US,
DO WE?
WHO?
WELL, THAT ANTOINE.
YOU KNOW, HE PRACTICALLY
STABBED ME WITH A SHANK.
YOU GOT FIRED?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WRONG?
YEAH. GOT BORN.
THEY GAVE YOU A REASON,
RIGHT?
I MEAN,
THEY JUST CAN'T LET YOU GO
WITHOUT GIVING YOU
A REASON.
OH, YEAH,
THEY TOLD ME WHY,
AND THEN THEY THREW ME
FACE-FIRST IN THE STREET.
IT WAS THAT DAMN GLITCH.
NOTHING I COULD DO.
IT'LL BE OKAY.
NO, IT WONT BE OKAY.
YOU KNOW WHAT THE JOB MARKE IS LIKE OUT THERE?
CHRIS HAS
A ASSOCIATES DEGREE,
AND HE GOT TURNED DOWN
AT BURGER KING.
BABY,
I DON'T EVEN GOT THAT.
AND NOW WE GO THIS BABY COMING.
WELL, MAYBE WE CAN
TALK TO THE OWNER.
WHAT'S HIS NAME?
JALISSA, IT'S HIS NAME
ON THE PINK SLIP.
WELL HE SEEMED REALLY NICE
AT THE CHRISTMAS PARTY.
I THOUGH MAYBE WE COULD REASON WITH HIM.
YEAH, YEAH,
WELL, FIRST OF ALL,
I THINK HE WAS HIGH
AT THE CHRISTMAS PARTY,
AND THEN, SECOND,
WHITE PEOPLE DON'T LISTEN
TO BLACK FOLKS ACCUSED
OF LOSING THOUSANDS
OF THEIR DOLLARS.
MAN ALREADY GOT EVERYTHING,
AND HE WAN TO TAKE MORE FROM ME.
LISTEN TO ME.
LISTEN.
MR. FANCY PANTS CAN
SIT UP THERE
ON TOP OF ALL HIS BIG MONEY
AND BIG HOUSE
UNTIL HE DROPS DEAD.
BUT YOU HAVE TWO THINGS
THAT ARE WAY MORE IMPORTANT.
AND WHAT'S THAT?
THIS.
AND THIS.
I'LL THINK OF SOMETHING,
BABE.
WAREHOUSE STOCK BOY.
MM. JANITOR.
DOOKIE SCRAPER.
NO, NO, HELL NO!
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO,
MAN?
Chris: NO. NO. NEVER.
IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN,
MAN.
DUDE, THIS CAN WORK, MAN.
ANTOINE, WE DON'T KNOW
ENOUGH ABOUT ALARM SYSTEMS
TO BE BREAKING INTO A BANK
AT NIGHT.
WE DON'T HAVE TO.
WELL DO I IN THE DAYTIME.
WHAT?
YOU SAID WE WOULD NEVER DO
A STICKUP.
YOU SAID
WE WOULD NEVER USE GUNS.
YOU SAID WE'RE NO JUST YOUR AVERAGE STREET THUGS
WE DON'T HAVE TO USE GUNS,
MAN.
I GOT A PLAN.
GUNS SCARE ME, MAN.
NO MEANS NO, ANTOINE.
I CAN'T AFFORD TO GET PINCHED
FOR ROBBING A BANK, MAN.
I GOT A LITTLE KID
TO THINK ABOUT.
YEAH, WELL, SO DO I.
WHAT?
JALISSA'S PREGNANT.
FOR REAL?
LOOK, MAN,
I NEED THIS.
WE ALL NEED THIS.
LOOK, I'M TELLING YOU, MAN,
THIS CAN WORK.
TRUST ME.
[ SIGHS ]
ALL RIGHT.
GONNA AT LEAST LISTEN
TO IT.
OKAY,
THIS IS WHAT WE DO.
WE HIJACK
CANS OF SEVOFLURANE.
IT'S WHAT DOCS USE
TO KNOCK OUT THEIR PATIENTS.
WE MAKE OUR WAY
TO THE ROOF OF THE BANK.
WE BREAK OPEN
THE A.C. UNIT,
AND WE SEEP THE GAS
INTO THE VENTILATION SYSTEM.
EVERY FRIDAY AT 2:00,
THEY OPEN THE VAUL TO DO A CASH DROP.
WE TIME THE GAS
WITH THE OPENING OF THE VAULT,
AND THEN WE WAIT.
AFTER 10, 15 MINUTES,
EVERYBODY IN THE BANK WILL BE
KNOCKED OUT.
THEN WE JUST MAKE OUR WAY
IN THE BANK.
INSIDE THE VAULT,
THERE ARE SAFETY DEPOSIT BOXES
WE SKIP THOSE
AND GO STRAIGHT FOR THE CASH.
THE SECURITY CAMERAS CAPTURE
FOOTAGE
ONTO A HARD DRIVE
IN THE BACK ROOM.
WE TAKE THE HARD DRIVE,
TAKE THE CASH,
AND THEN WE SPLIT.
WITH NO SECURITY FOOTAGE,
NO WITNESSES,
NO WAY TO TIE US
TO THE CRIME SCENE.
SO?
SAYING
HOW YOU JUST GOT FIRED --
WON'T THAT AUTOMATICALLY
MAKE YOU A SUSPECT?
NO. I GOT IT, MAN.
I CAN HANDLE IT.
WHERE WE GONNA GE THE CANS OF SEVOF--
FLAVOR FLAV?
WHEN THE LAST TIME YOU FELLAS
BEEN TO THE DENTIST?
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
HEY.
UH, G-GOOD AFTERNOON MA'AM.
WERE WITH THE GLACIER SPRINGS
WATER DELIVERY,
AND, UH, WE'RE HERE
TO REPLACE YOUR JUGS
DUE TO CONTAMINATION.
CONTAMINATED WITH WHAT?
FLESH-EATING BACTERIA, MA'AM.
IT'S COOL, 'CAUSE YOU KNOW
IT TAKE ABOUT A DAY OR SO
BEFORE YOUR FACE ROTS OFF
AND THEN YOUR MUCUS
STARTS FALLING INTO YOUR TEETH,
AND THEN YOUR TEETH FALL OUT,
AND THEN YOU HAVE
INTESTINAL PROBLEMS,
AND THEN YOU HAVE DIARRHEA,
AND THEN
IT SHOOT OUT YOUR BUTT!
[ STOMPS ]
AND -- [ GRUNTS ]
I HAVE BEEN
HAVING DIARRHEA TODAY.
WHERE YOU KEEP
THE REST OF YOUR JUGS?
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH
WHOO
HEY, YO,
I THINK THIS IS IT.
MAN, YOU LEF THE DAMN DOLLY, MAN.
ALL RIGHT.
[ ELECTRICITY ZAPS ]
UH, WHAT?
HEY, GO GET SOME LIGHT BULBS.
WHAT?
GET SOME LIGHT BULBS.
I AIN'T FEEL LIKE
GETTING NO DAMN LIGHT BULBS.
IF YOU WANT A LIGHT,
I GOT A LIGHTER RIGHT HERE, MAN.
BOY,
THIS STUFF IS FLAMMABLE!
YOU WANT US TO BLOW UP?!
GO LOOK AROUND.
[ DOOR SQUEAKS ]
[ SIGHS ]
EXCUSE ME.
[ EXHALES FORCEFULLY ]
MAY I ASK
WHAT YOU'RE DOING HERE?
HEY.
H-H-H-HOW'S IT GOING?
UH, I'M WITH THE GLACIER SPRINGS
WATER DELIVERY COMPANY SERVICE,
AND WERE JUST HERE, UH,
REPLACING YOUR JUGS
DUE TO CONTAMINATION.
CONTAMINATION?
YES, SIR.
WHAT SORT OF CONTAMINATION?
UH...
UH...
MAYBE I COULD, UH,
YOU KNOW --
I COULD GE YOUR E-MAIL OR SOMETHING.
ANTOINE: Ricardo.
WHAT IT IS?
Hey,
we got to go to plan B.
Chris is in trouble.
YOU MEAN I GET TO COME IN?
Hurry up!
UH, YOU KNOW,
ITS KIND OF HARD TO SAY.
I'M -- I'M NOT AN EXPER ON, YOU KNOW, SCIENCE.
[ Spanish accent ]
I DRIVE THE TRUCK OUTSIDE,
AND, UH,
I WAS SITTING IN THE TRUCK,
AND I WASN'T FEELING GOOD.
I WANTED TO THROW UP,
AND, UH --
EXCUSE ME.
[ RETCHING ]
SIR, ARE YOU [GASPS]
[ RETCHING CONTINUES ]
OH, OH, OH!
SIR,
ARE YOU GOING TO BE OKAY?
NO, I THINK I'M CONSTIPATED
OUT OF THE MOUTH.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
ALL RIGHT, LISTEN.
I'M GONNA HAVE TO SPEAK
TO YOUR SUPERVISOR RIGHT NOW,
SO WHY DON'T YOU GO AHEAD
AND GIVE ME THAT NUMBER?
THIS WAY, IF YOU JUST --
[ GROANS ]
OH, SIR.
MY LEGS
AREN'T WORKING WITH ME.
COME ON,
YOU SONS OF BITCHES!
I'M NOT FEELING GOOD!
OH! OH!
OH!
OH! DOCTOR!
DON'T MOVE.
YEAH.
DOCTOR!
GRACE?
GRACE? WHAT'S WRONG?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?
WHAT'S WRONG?
IS HE GOING
INTO CARDIAC ARREST?
I'LL HAVE --
CALL THE PARAMEDICS, ALL RIGHT?!
CALL THE PARAMEDICS!
HEY, HEY, ANTOINE,
JUST GRAB WHAT YOU CAN,
AND LET'S GO AND LOAD IT UP.
WHAT YOU GOT?
[ RICARDO SCREAMING ]
WE NEED IT QUICK.
HE'S CHOKING
ON HIS OWN SPIT.
GRACE, STOP HIM.
STOP HIM.
ALL RIGHT.
EVERYTHING'S GONNA
BE ALL RIGHT.
EVERYTHING'S GONNA
BE ALL RIGHT, SIR.
AAAAAH!
SIR, CALM DOWN!
[ SCREAMING STOPS ]
EXCUSE ME.
I'M FEELING
A LOT BETTER.
JUST...
SORRY.
THANK YOU.
YOU DID GOOD.
YOU DID GOOD.
OHH!
MY STOMACH, UH...
THIS IS
A NICE PLACE HERE.
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
Man:
YOU LEFT MY BABY WHERE?
ALL RIGHT, NOW, MY SUGGESTION
WOULD BE THE PREMIUM ACCOUN BECAUSE, AS THE NAME SUGGESTS,
IT HAS THE BEST BENEFITS.
IS THIS THE ONLY PLAN
THAT HAS FREE CHECKING, THOUGH?
LET ME CHECK.
[ CHUCKLES ]
"LET ME CHECK."
EXCUSE ME?
[ LAUGHS ]
YOU SAID, "LET ME CHECK."
YOU MADE A PUN.
[ LAUGHS ]
I GUESS I DID.
I GUESS
IT DIDN'T REGISTER.
REGISTER!
[ LAUGHS ]
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
I MADE ANOTHER ONE!
[ LAUGHING ]
[ LAUGHING ]
DEPOSITORY THIS FOR ME.
DEPOSITORY!
DEPOSITORY.
[ LAUGHING CONTINUES ]
[ LAUGHING ]
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
[ BOTH LAUGHING ]
OHHHH!
[ LAUGHTER CONTINUES ]
YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME PEE.
YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME PEE!
[ LAUGHTER CONTINUES ]
[ LAUGHTER CONTINUES ]
WHAT IN THE HELL
ARE THEY DOING?
WHAT?
RICARDO,
CHECK THE CANISTER.
SEE WHAT IT SAYS.
WHY DIDN'T YOU DO THIS
EARLIER, MAN?
IT SAYS "NITROUS OXIDE."
[ COUGHING ]
MAN, THAT'S LAUGHING GAS,
MAN. WHAT...?
[ SIGHS ]
YOU STOLE IT.
MIGHT AS WELL.
WHAT?
COME ON.
OHH.
OH, YEAH,
I'M ABOUT TO DO THIS!
RICARDO, I SAID PANTYHOSE,
NOT PANTIES.
OH...PANTYHOSE!
LET'S GO!
NO, NO, NO, NO.
YOU STAYING HERE.
WHY, MAN?
'CAUSE YOU GOT PANTIES
ON YOUR HEAD.
'CAUSE YOU GOT PANTIES
ON YOUR HEAD.
LOOK.
LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.
STAY IN THE CAR,
KEEP IT RUNNING,
WE'LL BE IN AND OUT.
I HOPE YOU GET CAUGHT.
I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.
[ LAUGHTER CONTINUES ]
ALL RIGHT,
GRAB THE ONES ON THE LEFT.
THE ONES ON THE RIGH ARE FITTED WITH DYE PACKS.
ON THE LEFT...
RIGHT.
ON THE...
[ LAUGHTER CONTINUES ]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
MAN --
MAN, TAKE THESE PANTIES
OFF YOUR HEAD!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHY AREN'T YOU
IN THE CAR?
IT WAS HOT. I FARTED.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO STAY
IN THE CAR.
GET YOUR ASS
OUT OF HERE.
STAY IN THE CAR
AND WATCH OUT!
[ LAUGHTER CONTINUES ]
[ SQUEALS ]
JADE?
[ BARKING ]
AAH!
EEEE! EEEE!
HOLD MY FEET!
[ CASH REGISTER DINGS ]
RICARDO, LET'S GO!
OH, DAMN!
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
WHAT THE HELL
HAPPENED TO YOU?
MR. ROGERS
DONE BROKE HIS NECK, HUH?
[ SIGHS ]
[ INDISTINCT TALKING ]
HEY, WHAT'S UP, MAN?
YOU GET ANYTHING?
MNH-MNH.
ME EITHER, MAN.
WHERE'S THIS FAT-CA OWNER AT, MAN?
HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN HERE
LIKE 30 MINUTES AGO.
YOU THE OWNER?
[ SIGHS ]
YES, THIS IS MY BANK.
WHAT HAPPENED HERE?
HEY, I'M DETECTIVE WHITE,
AND THIS IS DETECTIVE MEEKS.
LIKE I TOLD YOU
ON THE PHONE,
WE GOT TWO OR THREE
ASSAILANTS,
SOME NITROUS-OXIDE
GAS CANISTERS ON THE ROOF.
THAT'S ALL WE HAVE
FOR RIGHT NOW.
MIDDA RUDDO, VENEEDA --
VENEEDA ASSUAFEW KESSION.
I BEG YOUR PARDON?
HE SAID WE NEED TO
ASK YOU A FEW QUESTIONS.
MM.
PSHHH.
YUYA WYGOT BIGTITTY?
E-EXCUSE ME?
HE WAS SAYING, "DO YOU
AND YOUR WIFE LIVE IN THE CITY?"
YES, BUT HOW IS
THAT RELEVANT?
WHEASKA KESSIONS.
CAN YOU THINK OF ANYBODY
THAT WOULD WANT TO ROB YOU?
LET'S SEE, I DON'T KNOW.
I SUPPOSE ANYONE THA WOULD WANT FREE MONEY.
ESSAFLO.
AIGGH MEDENNA BAKKAP.
JUST ONE MORE QUESTION.
WHERE WERE YOU
ABOUT A COUPLE OF HOURS AGO?
DO YOU ACTUALLY THINK
THAT I WOULD ROB MY OWN BANK?
LISTEN, WE HAVE TO CONSIDER
ALL POSSIBILITIES.
THAT'S INCLUDING
BANK FRAUD.
MM-HMM.
YES, WELL,
I WAS WITH MY WIFE.
ALL DAY.
OKAY.
I DON'T HAVE
ANY MORE QUESTIONS, MAN.
UH, MIDDA RUDDO,
TANDU SUKKADIC?
I'M SORRY. WHAT DID
YOU JUST SAY TO ME?
WOULD YOU MIND
REPEATING THAT, PLEASE?
HE WAS JUST SAYING
COULD YOU TAKE THIS
AND GO AHEAD AND WRITE DOWN
YOUR STATEMENT.
[ PAPER RUSTLES ]
LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION,
DETECTIVE MEEKS.
HOW DOES A MAN
SUCH AS YOURSELF
OBTAIN A POSITION
ON THE POLICE FORCE?
I WOULD THINK WITH YOUR LACK
OF COMMUNICATIVE SKILLS,
YOU WOULD BE NOT ONLY
A HINDRANCE,
BUT AN ANNOYANCE,
AS WELL.
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.
HEY, STEP BACK NOW.
YOU OKAY?
YOU BIGGER THAN THAT.
THAT'S THE FINEST DETECTIVE
RIGHT THERE IN THE WORLD, OKAY?
HE TOOK ONE IN THE LEG,
HE TOOK TWO IN THE GUT,
AND TWO IN THE MOUTH.
WHERE IS IT?!
NOOOO!!
YOU THERE, GET IN HERE.
YES, SIR?
EARLIER TODAY,
DID A MAN BRING IN AN ITEM
AND LEAVE IT FOR ME?
AN ITEM?
I'M NOT --
I'M NOT SURE, SIR.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
YOU'RE NOT SURE?
YOU'RE THE BANK MANAGER.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE OVERSEEING
ALL BUSINESS TRANSACTIONS,
ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY
PERTAIN TO ME.
WELL, I...COULD ASK THE TELLERS
IF ANYBODY CAME BY.
YOU DO THAT.
Chris: THERE IT IS.
HOW MUCH
YOU THINK WE GOT, MAN?
I DON'T KNOW, BRUH.
ITS HARD TO SAY.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
WE PULLED THIS OFF.
IT'S THE REAL DEAL!
THIS IS BETTER
THAN SEX, SON!
JACKIN' OFF
DON'T COUNT.
YEAH, IT DOES.
BUT YOU A VIRGIN.
YO, OPEN THE MONEY.
THAT'S WHY I DON' MESS AROUND WITH VIRGINS.
OPEN IT.
OHH! [ SQUEALS ]
OH, NOW,
THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
THAT'S SO GOOD!
THAT IS BEAUTIFUL!
THAT'S SO GOOD!
IT IS, LORD.
HELP US, JESUS.
OH!
[ BEEPING ]
ONE OF Y'ALL GOT A WATCH?
NAW, I LOST MINE.
[ BEEPING CONTINUES ]
[ BEEPING ACCELERATES ]
OH, SNAP, SON.
OKAY, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
FIRST I'M GONNA CRY,
AND THEN...I'M JUS GOING TO SIT HERE.
WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE MONEY?
HEY, HEY, HEY.
THE MONEY!
WE CAN FIX THIS.
WE CANT FIX THIS, MAN.
THIS IS A TRAGEDY.
DO YOU SEE THIS?
ALL THAT WORK
AND WHAT WE GOT?
NOTHIN'!
NO MONEY AND A FREE DYE JOB
THAT SAYS,
"HEY, WE THE DUMBASS NIGGAZ
THAT ROBBED THE BANK.
TAKE US TO JAIL."
I'M HISPANIC.
ANTOINE?
HEY, BABY.
YOU'RE HOME EARLY.
I WAS JUST TRYING
TO SURPRISE YOU.
THAT'S TWO DAYS
IN A ROW.
SURPRISE!
RIGHT, JUST LIE TO ME.
JUST LIE TO JALISSA,
THAT'S FINE.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
WHERE YOU GOING?
DON'T LIE TO ME, ANTOINE!
I DIDN'T SAY NOTHIN'!
WHAT ABOUT THE MONEY?
WE...WON THE LOTTERY.
THE L--
THE SCRATCH-OFF.
AND THEY GAVE US
THE BAG OF M-MONEY.
SHUT UP, LET ME SEE.
RICARDO, MY EYE.
AND YOU SAID
YOU DIDN'T LIKE WALLS,
SO WE WAS LIKE,
"HEY, LET'S PAINT IT RED!"
[ STOMPS ]
I HEARD ABOUT IT AT WORK.
A BANK GOT ROBBED --
YOUR BANK.
YOU GONNA TELL ME
THAT WASN'T YOU?
MY STOMACH HURTS.
TELL ME THE TRUTH!
OKAY.
WE DID IT.
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
DID ANYBODY GET HURT?
NO, NO. NO.
NOBODY GOT HURT.
I TOOK CARE OF EVERYTHING.
THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW IT WAS US.
WHY? WHY WOULD YOU DO
SOMETHING LIKE THIS?
BECAUSE!
BECAUSE LIFE IS NOT FAIR!
BECAUSE WE BARELY GET BY
AS IT IS,
AND THEN THEY GOT TO GO
FIRE ME
FOR SOMETHING THAT WASN' EVEN MY FAULT!
BABY, I'M TIRED
OF NOT BEING ABLE
TO GIVE YOU THINGS
YOU DESERVE.
I'M TIRED
OF BEING A NOBODY.
ALL I NEED FROM YOU
IS LOVE, RESPECT, AND TRUTH.
YOU'RE NOT A NOBODY
BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.
YOU HAVE A BRILLIANT MIND,
ANTOINE.
YOU JUST DON'T APPLY I TO THE RIGHT THINGS.
I JUST WANTED TO FEEL
SUCCESSFUL FOR ONCE.
WELL, ROBBING A BANK
IS NOT THE ANSWER!
EVEN IF YOU GET IT RIGHT,
YOU'RE STILL WRONG!
HEY, AFTER THIS,
CAN WE GO GET SOME TACOS?
YOU THINK ANTOINE
WOULD BE OKAY WITH THAT?
RICARDO, SHUT UP, MAN!
IS THIS THE FIRST TIME
YOU'VE DONE SOMETHING LIKE THIS?
AND YOU THINK
YOU KNOW SOMEBODY.
WHERE YOU GOING?
I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.
SO YOU JUST GONNA LEAVE?
WHOA, WHERE YOU GOING?
BABY, DON'T GO.
J! BABY,
WE CAN FIX THIS.
[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]
JA--
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
MR. REESE SYKES
TO SEE YOU, SIR.
YOUR REPUTATION
PRECEDES YOU.
HOW MAY I BE OF SERVICE?
I'VE HEARD THAT YOU'RE A MAN
WHO'S VERY SKILLED
AT RETRIEVING VALUABLE ITEMS
USING BRUTE FORCE.
AM I MISTAKEN?
I ONCE CUT OFF A MAN'S ANUS
AND MADE HIM FUCK IT.
[ AIR WHOOSHES ]
VERY GOOD!
YOU'RE HIRED.
NOW, I'D LIKE YOU
TO GET YOUR HANDS
ON A CERTAIN PHALLUS.
I DON'T DO
THAT KIND OF WORK.
NO, NO.
THE "CAESAR'S PHALLUS."
MM.
PERHAPS YOU'VE HEARD OF...
FEARLESS FREDDY?
OF COURSE.
YES, WELL,
I HIRED MR. FREDDY
TO DELIVER
THE PHALLUS TO ME,
BUT IT SEEMS
HE'S GONE AWOL WITH IT,
NO DOUB TO SELL IT HIMSELF!
AND WHEN I FIND HIM?
IN THE MIDDLE EAST,
THEY CUT OFF
THE HANDS OF THIEVES.
SO, USE YOUR IMAGINATION.
IT'S AN INTERESTING ITEM,
MR. RUSSO.
A JEWEL-ENCRUSTED PHALLUS.
I'M A COLLECTOR
OF EROTIC ART.
I OWN CLEOPATRA'S
CLITORIS...
...AND HERCULES'
TESTICLES.
I'LL BE IN TOUCH.
[ GRUNTS ]
DINNER IS SERVED!
HA HA!
[ SOBS ]
Newscaster: THE THIEVES EMPLOYED
CANISTERS OF NITROUS OXIDE
TO INDUCE MASS HYSTERIA
AMONG THOSE INSIDE.
HOWEVER, THE ASSAILANTS
ONLY MANAGED TO WALK AWAY
WITH STACKS OF SMALL BILLS
FITTED WITH DYE PACKS.
AND IN OTHER NEWS,
THE NOTORIOUS CAT BURGLAR
KNOWN AS FEARLESS FREDDY
HAS STRUCK AGAIN.
AN EXTRAVAGANT JEWELED STATUE
KNOWN AS "CAESAR'S PHALLUS"
AND WORTH UPWARDS
OF $12 MILLION WAS TAKEN...
DAMN, MAN, I AM SICK AND TIRED
OF THIS FEARLESS FREDDY!
WE HELD UP A BANK TODAY,
AND WE STILL GET SHAFTED
BY THIS GUY, MAN!
THEY'RE LAUGHING AT US!
ANTOINE,
YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN.
MAN, DON'T TELL ME
TO CALM DOWN!
THINGS MIGHT HAVE GONE
ALL RIGHT TODAY
IF SOMEBODY HADN'T GRABBED
ALL THOSE DYE PACKS!
YO, DON'T PUT THIS
ALL ON ME, OKAY?
I AIN'T THE ONE
WHO SWIPED LAUGHING GAS
AND TURNED THAT PLACE
INTO A MONKEY HOUSE!
GUYS, COME ON --
RICARDO, SHUT UP!
WHAT KIND OF IDIOT BRINGS
PANTIES TO A BANK ROBBERY?
YOU'VE GOT TO BE
THE WORST THIEF EVER.
YOU'RE USELESS!
ANTOINE, CHILL OU ON HIM, BRO.
YOU AIN'T GOT TO BE
BRINGING
ALL THAT HOSTILITY
IN HERE, MAN.
WHO YOU THINK
YOU'RE TALKING TO?
I'M TALKING TO YOU.
I ADVISE YOU TO SIT DOWN.
YOU NEED TO WATCH
THAT TONE.
SIT DOWN BEFORE I MAKE YOU
ROLL OVER, BOY.
I'M TELLING YOU, THIS IS
NOT WHAT YOU WANT.
YOU BETTER WATCH THAT TONE.
YOU KNOW I TOOK TAE KWON DO.
AND THEN YOU SPRAINED
YOUR ANKLE
WITH YOUR OLD,
UNCOORDINATED ASS.
THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU WANT.
SIT DOWN.
I'LL STILL LAY YOU OUT.
YOU GONNA LAY ME OUT,
WHO?
I'M GONNA GO AHEAD
AND WHUP YOUR ASS FOR FREE
BECAUSE
YOU JUST CAN'T LEARN.
I'M GOING TO WHUP YOUR ASS
FOR FREE WHENEVER YOU'RE READY.
WHENEVER YOU'RE READY,
HUH?
WHAT YOU GOING TO DO?
HUH?
WHENEVER YOU'RE READY.
[ INDISTINCT ARGUING ]
SEE, THAT'S BECAUSE
YOU'RE SCARED.
YOU DON'T WANT THIS.
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
YOU THINKING YOU'RE
A FUCKING NINJA TURTLE?
GUYS.
[ ARGUING CONTINUES ]
GUYS!
WHAT?!
WHAT?!
OH!
THAT'S...
A DIAMOND DICK.
IT'S GOT RUBY BALLS,
MAN!
TWO BIG RUBY BALLS,
BIGGER THAN YOURS, ANTOINE.
I SAW YOURS WHEN YOU GOT OU OF THE SHOWER, IT WAS GROSS.
IT'S THE THING THEY WERE TALKING
ABOUT ON THE NEWS, MAN.
THAT LITTLE --
THE WIENER WITH THE --
THAT'S IT!
THAT'S IT!
WHOA, WHOA,
IF FEARLESS FREDDY TOOK IT,
THEN HOW DID I END UP AT THE BANK?
MNH-MNH. DON'T WORRY
ABOUT THAT, BROTHER.
WE GOT THIS.
WE GOT THIS FREAKY-ASS DILDO
WITH ALL THIS BLING, SON!
AIN'T NO TELLING HOW MUCH
WE CAN MAKE OFF OF IT.
AIN'T NONE!
SKY'S THE LIMIT!
WHAT ARE WE GONNA
DO WITH IT?
OKAY,
HE'S GOT A GOOD POINT.
WE GOT TO FIGURE OU THE BEST WAY TO UNLOAD THIS.
I GOT AN IDEA.
NOW, YOU KNOW
THIS MILLION-DOLLAR DILDO
EVERYBODY'S LOOKING FOR?
WE GOT IT.
AND WE'RE LOOKING
TO CASH IN.
SO, CAN YOU HELP US
OR NOT?
I THINK SOMETHING
CAN BE ARRANGED.
WHAT'S YOUR ADDRESS?
ALL RIGHT,
8212 AVALANCHE WAY.
YOU DID GOOD, ANTOINE.
THIS COULD BE
A BEAUTIFUL BEGINNING.
WE ABOUT TO GET PAID!
WHOO!
WHOO!
WE GONNA GET PAID!
WE GONNA GET PAID!
WE GONNA GET PAID!
WE GONNA GET PAID!
I TOLD YOU WE GOT THIS.
WE GONNA GET PAID!
WE GONNA --
[ THUD ]
AAH!
MAN, I HATE
THIS WAITING, MAN.
WHEN IS THIS GUY GONNA
GO AHEAD AND MAKE A MOVE?
PACINO WEE.
ALBA TIBE.
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT, MAN.
WHAT DID YOU THINK
ABOUT THE BANK HEIST?
AH, CAPA DOB.
NOW, WE BOTH KNOW
RUSSO IS CROOKED.
MM-HMM.
BUT...I DON'T THINK RUSSO
HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS.
I FEEL LIKE IT WAS
LIKE A BANK MANAGER
OR A DISGRUNTLED EX-EMPLOYEE
OR SOMETHING.
WE GOT ANYBODY
ON THAT LIST?
WHOA, WHOA.
HOLD ON, I SEE THEM COMING.
THEY GOT THE STUFF!
HELLO. I'VE GOT TWO NUMBER 1s
AND A LARGE TEA.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
YOU'RE KIND OF CUTE
A LITTLE BIT.
AND A SMALL
VANILLA CUSTARD.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM, MAN?
SPRINGLE, MAN.
[ SCOFFS ]
YOU KNOW,
EXCUSE MY FRIEND,
BUT HE SAID HE WANTED
SPRINKLES, BITCH.
I'M SORRY.
WE DON'T HAVE SPRINKLES.
WHAT THE HELL?
YOU AIN' GOT NO SPRINKLES?
[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]
WHAT TYPE
OF TOPPINGS YOU HAVE?
WE'VE GOT CHOCOLATE,
CARAMEL, BANANA.
HOLLA.
Y'ALL GOT PLAIN-ASS
VANILLA ICE CREAM.
YAH. KAY.
CAN I GET ALL THA ON HERE?
KAY. WEDON.
IT'S A GOOD THING THAT YOU
LANDED IN THOSE SHRUBS.
SAY, CHRIS...
A-ABOUT EARLIER.
OH, DON'T -- DON'T EVEN
WORRY ABOUT IT, MAN.
ME TOO, BROTHER.
I'M TELLING YOU,
THE THREE OF US,
EVERY STEP OF THE WAY,
WE GONNA GET PAID.
YEAH,
BUT FIRST THINGS FIRST.
WE GOT TO GE THIS DYE OFF.
HEY.
HEY, I THINK I KNOW
SOMEBODY WHO COULD HELP.
MAN,
IT'S COLD IN HERE.
MAN, WHY DO WE HAVE TO
BE IN OUR UNDERWEAR, MAN?
RICARDO,
WHY ARE YOU NAKED?
I FORGOT TO PUT ON
UNDERWEAR TODAY.
THAT'S NASTY!
MY PEE-PEE'S PUSHING
THROUGH THA LITTLE WHEEL HOLE.
HERE, PUT IN YOUR HANDS.
WHAT'S THIS?
ANCIENT REMEDY
FOR REMOVE TATTOO.
WHA-- WHAT'S IN IT?
THREE INGREDIENT.
FIRST IS A RARE
MAGNOLIA FLOWER
FROM THE EASTERN HILLS
OF INDIA.
SECOND, MOST IMPORTANT,
IS GOAT PEE-PEE.
DID HE JUST SAY
GOAT PEE-PEE?
Antoine: WHOA,
WHAT'S THE THIRD INGREDIENT?
BLEACH.
BLEACH?
WHAT YOU WANT TO DO?
YOU WANT TO GET...
BABY, I CAN FEEL IT...
AAAH!
MY RETINA IS FALLING OUT!
[ INDISTINCT SINGING ]
...TONIGHT
OKAY.
WHERE IS IT?
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
[ BELL JINGLES ]
JADE, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?
I WAS JUST --
WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
IT'S AN INDIAN DRESS.
OH.
YEAH...
DID YOU HEAR
ABOUT THE BANK ROBBERY?
YEAH.
I WAS THERE...
...BUT I DON'T REMEMBER
ANYTHING. [ CHUCKLES ]
OH.
NO, IT WAS CRAZY.
THAT'S CRAZY.
YEAH, IT WAS CRAZY.
CRAZY.
UM...
IT'S WEIRD, THOUGH,
BECAUSE...
YOU'VE BEEN ON MY MIND
ALL DAY.
SO, UH, I DON'T KNOW...
REALLY?
YEAH.
I JUST THOUGHT I'D COME BY
AND SAY HI.
SO...
SO, HI.
HEY.
Antoine:
WHERE'S MY SODA?!
OH, UH, YOU KNOW,
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHA I'M DOING HERE. I'M SORRY.
I'M JUST GONNA GO.
GONNA GO.
NO.
I'M GONNA GET GOING.
OKAY.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT, BYE.
ALL RIGHT. BYE.
IDIOT.
WHERE'S MY SODA, BITCH?
WHY YOU GOT TO BE
MESSING MY GAME UP?!
Sykes:
WHERE'S THE PHALLUS?
WHERE IS IT?
[ SIGHS ]
OH. UH...
[ LAUGHS ]
BA-DA-BLING!
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?
YOU KNOW WHAT?
[ CHUCKLES ]
I'M ABOU TO WHUP YOUR ASS.
WHAT ARE YOU
GOING TO DO?
[ MUFFLED SCREAMING ]
WHAT?
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
HUH? OKAY, OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.
LET'S GO.
[ LAUGHS ]
OH, YEAH!
[ LAUGHS ]
[ TIRES SQUEAL ]
J?
J-JALISSA!
IT'S GONE.
WHAT?
WHAT'S GONE?
THE DIAMOND PEE-PEE,
MAN.
A-ARE YOU TELLING ME
THAT YOU HID I BETWEEN THE COUCH CUSHIONS?
OH, MAN!
ARE -- ARE YOU RETARDED?
HUH?
NO.
JALISSA'S NOT HERE.
MAN, SAY, RELAX.
MAY-- MAYBE SHE'S WORKING LATE,
ALL RIGHT?
HE -- HE HID THE --
HER PURSE IS STILL HERE,
THOUGH.
CALM DOWN.
WHAT, YOU THINK
SOMEBODY SNATCHED HER?
I -- I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW
HOW TO SAY THIS.
WE GOT MORE THAN ONE
PROBLEM, MAN...
[ GROANS ]
JEFFREY!
WE'RE OUT OF PUDDING POPS
AGAIN!
MR. SYKES AND HOSTAGE
TO SEE YOU, SIR.
WHAT'S THIS?
IT'S COLLATERAL.
WHERE'S THE PHALLUS?
LISTEN, USE HER
AS A BARGAINING CHIP.
WE'LL GET YOUR PHALLUS.
THIS ISN' WHAT I SENT YOU FOR.
THIS IS A COMPLICATION.
WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?
AND WHY DO YOU KEEP TALKING
ABOUT PENISES?
BECAUSE YOUR LITTLE FRIENDS
STOLE SOMETHING FROM ME,
AND I WANT IT BACK.
YOUR PENIS?
SIT HER DOWN!
SIT DOWN.
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
WILL YOU BE REQUIRING
ANYTHING ELSE FROM ME,
MR. RUSSO?
OH, I SUPPOSE NOT.
IF YOU WANT SOMETHING
DONE RIGHT,
I GUESS YOU HAVE TO DO I YOURSELF.
JEFFREY HERE WILL PAY YOU
ON YOUR WAY OUT.
NOW, PLEASE, LEAVE ME.
AND AS FOR YOU...
YOU LOOK VERY FAMILIAR
TO ME.
WERE YOU A MAID
ON MY STAFF?
MR. WHISPER.
IT'S GOT TO BE.
[ SIGHS ]
MAN, HE SET US UP, MAN!
THAT GUY'S A JERK, MAN!
I'M GOING TO BUY A GUN...
AND THEN
I'M GOING TO SHOW IT TO HIM.
IS THAT SCARY?
[ TELEPHONE RINGING ]
YEAH, HELLO?
I BELIEVE YOU HAVE SOMETHING
THAT BELONGS TO ME.
NO, I THINK YOU GOT SOMETHING
THAT BELONGS TO ME.
AH, THEN WE HAVE
AN UNDERSTANDING.
WHY DO YOU KEEP
WHISPERING, BITCH?
[ GROANS ]
I WANT CAESAR'S PHALLUS.
I'LL SEND SOMEONE THERE
FOR IT SHORTLY.
HAND IT OVER,
AND I'LL LET THE GIRL GO.
WE DON'T HAVE IT. MY PLACE
IS TORN APART. YOU TOOK IT!
Man, what kind of games
are you playing?
I AM NOT PLAYING,
AND I'M NOT AMUSED!
HAVE THE PHALLUS THERE
WHEN MY MEN ARRIVE!
You don't want to
disappoint me.
LOOK,
LET ME TALK TO MY WIFE.
I WANT TO KNOW SHE'S OKAY,
OR YOU GET NOTHING.
FINE.
TALK.
Antoine?
HEY, BABY.
YOU ALL RIGHT?
YEAH.
LOOK, I KNOW
YOU CAN DO THIS, OKAY?
EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE
ALL RIGHT.
Remember how you always
wanted to be Mr. Fancy-Pants?
[ CHUCKLES SOFTLY ]
NOW'S YOUR CHANCE.
[ GRUNTS ]
LISTEN HERE. I'M GIVING YOU
TWO HOURS, ANTOINE.
OR I'LL BE ADDING YOUR BOO
TO MY COLLECTION PERMANENTLY.
WELL, I THINK THAT WEN RATHER WELL, DON'T YOU?
THAT VOICE...
WHAT?
"FANCY-PANTS."
JALISSA SAID "FANCY-PANTS."
WHAT?
I THINK SHE WAS TRYING
TO TELL ME SOMETHING.
WHAT?
I KNOW WHO'S GOT HER.
WHO?
RUSSO.
HE OWNS THE BANK.
JALISSA AND I MET HIM
AT A CHRISTMAS PARTY LAST YEAR.
THE MONEY BANK?
OKAY, OKAY. SO...
[ SIGHS ]
WHAT ARE WE
GONNA DO?
HE WANTS THE PHALLUS.
BUT WE AIN'T GOT IT, MAN.
NEITHER DOES HE.
MAYBE FEARLESS FREDDY
TOOK IT.
MAN, FEARLESS FREDDY DON'T KNOW
NOTHING ABOUT US, MAN!
SHUT UP.
WE DON'T HAVE
WHAT HE WANTS.
JALISSA KNOWS WHO HE IS. SO HE'S
JUST NOT GOING TO LET HER GO.
AND WE CAN'T CALL THE COPS.
RIGHT.
WE GOT TO BREAK IN
AND GET HER OUT.
I'M DOWN FOR THAT.
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
OKAY.
WE GOING TO NEED PANTYHOSE
FOR THIS?
BECAUSE I AIN'T GOT NONE.
DOES JALISSA HAVE SOME?
[ LAUGHS ]
YES!
WHERE IS IT?
I WANT TO SEE IT!
I WANT TO FEEL IT!
I WANT TO TOUCH IT!
WHERE'S THE PHALLUS?
WHERE...
SOMEBODY STOLE MY COCK!
RUSSO.
THAT CRAFTY PIECE OF DICK.
[ HUMMING ]
HONEY...
OH! WHOA!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?
DON'T LOOK AT ME!
THE WATER IS SLIGHTLY COLD.
WHY IS THERE A WOMAN TIED UP
IN YOUR STUDY?
WHAT WOMAN?
THAT WOMAN.
OH, UM, THAT.
UM, DARLING, THAT'S
REALLY NONE OF YOUR CONCERN.
UM, NOW, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST GO BACK TO YOUR ROOM,
TAKE A HANDFUL OF VALIUM,
AND I'LL WAKE YOU UP
ON TUESDAY, HMM?
[ SCOFFS ]
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
CLOSE THE DOOR!
THIS IS WHAT WE DO...
WE MAKE OUR WAY OUT TO RUSSO'S
AND PARK DOWN THE STREET.
THERE'S A GUARD THAT OPERATES
24/7 OUTSIDE RUSSO'S.
RICARDO, TAKE HIM OUT.
[ GRUNTING ]
ONCE HE'S OUT, OPEN THE GATE.
I'LL BE DOWN THE STREET.
I'LL KNOCK OUT THE GENERATOR,
WHICH WILL TAKE OUT THE LIGHTS
AND THE ALARM.
CHRIS, READY?
IF HE HAS A BACKUP GENERATOR,
WE SHOULD AT LEAST HAVE
45 SECONDS BEFORE IT KICKS IN.
[ SCREAMS ]
THE SECURITY COMPANY
IS GOING TO CALL RUSSO
AND MAKE SURE
EVERYTHING IS OKAY
AND THEN HAVE HIM VERIFY
WITH A PASSWORD.
YES, HELLO?
WE CALL HIM FIRST.
YES, HELLO.
THIS IS JENKINS SECURITY.
DO YOU HAVE AN EMERGENCY?
NO, I BELIEVE
IT'S JUST A POWER OUTAGE.
MAY I PLEASE HAVE
YOUR PASSWORD?
YES.
IT'S THE RUSSONATOR.
WE INTERCEPT THE CALL
FROM THE SECURITY COMPANY.
HEY! HOW'S IT GOING?
YES,
THIS IS MR. RUSSO.
WE'VE GOT TO MAKE I INTO THE HOUSE
BEFORE THE LIGHTS AND CAMERAS
COME BACK ON.
ONCE WE'RE INSIDE...
FIND JALISSA.
AFTER THAT, GET THE HELL OUT,
GET BACK TO THE VAN.
ALL RIGHT, FELLAS.
THIS IS IT.
[ FOOTSTEPS ]
[ PANTING ]
ALL RIGHT, EVERYTHING'S
GONE TO PLAN SO FAR.
AFTER THIS,
IT'S RADIO SILENCE.
HEY, IF ANYTHING
HAPPENS...
I LOVE Y'ALL.
AH.
[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
AH, MR. SYKES.
I FORGOT MY BRIEFCASE.
I WILL TAKE YOU TO IT.
OWW! OUCH!
WHY DID YOU DO THAT?
I'M CERTAINLY CONCUSSED!
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING
WHEN YOU --
[ DOOR HINGES CREAKING ]
[ THUMP! ]
[ GASPS ]
OH, HONEY, IS THAT YOU?
[ CHUCKLES SOFTLY ]
YES.
I HATE IT WHEN WE FIGHT,
SNOOKUMS.
COME LIE WITH ME!
OH, YOU FEEL
SO STRONG AND FIRM!
OH, SO WE'RE PLAYING WITH TOYS
TONIGHT, HUH?
OH...
OW!
[ GIGGLES ]
OH, SO, YOU WANT TO PLAY
A LITTLE GAME, HUH, BABY?
PLAY A LITTLE GAME
OF PIN THE TAIL ON MY DONKEY!
[ SMACK! ]
[ DOOR OPENS, CLOSES ]
STUPID MR. RUSSO...
Jeffrey: [ GROANING ]
NO, NO, NO, NO.
[ THUMPING ]
OH! [ LAUGHS ]
NO.
YES! YES!
YES!
OHH! UHH!
[ LAUGHS ]
AH! AH! AAH!
Jalissa?
Jalissa?
TITTIES!
OH, SNAP.
[ GUN COCKS ]
LET ME GUESS,
YOU'RE HERE FOR THE GIRL.
U-UH...
I THOUGHT MAYBE ONE OF RUSSO'S
GOONS TOOK THE PHALLUS.
BUT MAYBE IT WAS YOU
ALL ALONG.
YOU MEAN THE WIENER
WITH THE BLING?
YEAH.
WHAT'S THAT?!
[ GRUNTS ]
OHH!
I WILL SHOOT YOU
IN YOUR FACE!
YOU SLAPPED ME...
WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW WHERE IT IS, MAN.
IT'S...
IT'S IN MY POCKET.
RIGHT HERE, JUST TAKE
A LOOK IN MY --
OHH!
BEND OVER.
WHAT'S THAT?
YOU MUST THINK I'M AN IDIOT,
DON'T YOU?
KISS YOUR ANUS GOODBYE!
Y-Y-YOU'RE FEARLESS FREDDY!
YOU TOOK THAT DUDE OU ICE-COLD, MAN!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MAN?
YO, WHY YOU CREEPING,
MAN?
DON'T KILL ME,
I'M A VIRGIN.
[ GROANING ]
BABY...
YOU OKAY?
WHAT?
RUSSO?
YEAH.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
ABOUT TO HANDLE THIS,
BABY.
ARE YOU CRAZY?
LET'S JUST GET OUT OF HERE.
BABY, TRUST ME.
I GOT THIS.
Russo: [ HUMMING ]
[ WATER LAPPING ]
YOU TOOK MY PHALLUS,
NOW YOU BETTER GIVE IT BACK
OR ELSE!
[ High-pitched voice ]
OH, NO,
PLEASE DON'T HURT ME,
MR. RUSSINATOR!
[ Normal voice ] TOO LATE,
TAKE THAT AND THAT AND THAT!
[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]
HOW ABOUT SOME SOAP
IN YOUR EYES?!
[ High-pitched voice ] OOHH!
OH, NO, MR. RUSSO, IT BURNS!
OOHH!
[ Normal voice ]
OF COURSE IT BURNS!
I'LL BURN YOU ALL DAY
AND ALL NIGHT WITH SOAP SUDS
IF I HAVE TO.
I WANT THAT PHALLUS,
DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!
[ GUN COCKS ]
HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!
PUT YOUR HANDS
IN THE AIR.
THAT'S IT.
NOW TURN AROUND.
SLOWLY.
UNH, UNH, UNH, UNH.
SHUT YOUR EYES FIRST.
THAT'S IT.
CLOSED.
THERE WE GO.
VERY GOOD.
OH, I TOLD YOU
DON'T LOOK!
I TOLD YOU
TO KEEP THEM CLOSED!
CLOSE THEM TIGHTER!
SQUEEZE THEM HARDER!
IT'S A SIMPLE COMMAND!
KEEP THEM CLOSED.
ALL RIGHT.
NOW YOU CAN OPEN THEM.
SO...
INSTEAD OF GIVING ME WHAT WAS
MINE IN THE FIRST PLACE,
YOU HAD TO PULL THIS MORONIC
CAPER, DIDN'T YOU?
WELL,
I WANT THAT PHALLUS BACK
OR I'M GOING TO KILL YOU
AND THAT GIRL.
NOW TURN AROUND.
KEEP YOUR HANDS
IN THE AIR.
SLOWLY.
TOO SLOW, PICK IT UP.
THERE WE ARE.
MOVE!
[ BOTH GRUNTING ]
[ FARTS ]
[ SCREAMS ]
OOH!
NO WONDER YOU WANTED
THAT DIAMOND PEE-PEE.
YOU GOT A PINKY-TOE PENIS!
HA HA!
[ GRUNTS ]
BABY, LET'S GO.
OKAY.
Chris:
ARE YOU GUYS OKAY?
BROTHER,
WHERE ARE YOUR PANTS?
OKAY, IT'S A LONG STORY.
I GOT TIME.
LET'S JUST GE OUT OF HERE!
HEY, HEY, WHERE IS RICARDO?
YO, I'M RIGHT HERE.
YOU ALL RIGHT?
I THINK I'M GAY.
IT CAN WAIT.
LET'S ROLL.
YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
Antoine: OH, SHIT.
OH, SO YOU'RE JUS GONNA SHOOT EVERYBODY?
THE THOUGHT DID CROSS
MY MIND, YES.
ALL RIGHT, IT'S COOL,
JUST CHILL OUT.
THE PHALLUS!
GIVE IT TO ME!
WE DON'T HAVE IT.
WELL, WHERE IS IT?
Sykes: THAT'S WHA I'D LIKE TO KNOW.
SYKES,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
THE PHALLUS.
THESE PUNKS
STOLE IT FROM ME.
YOU MEAN YOU HAD IT?
YOU DOUBLE-CROSSING
SON OF A --
DROP THE GUN, OLD MAN!
YOU GUYS SEEM TO HAVE
SOME ISSUES [Laughs]
SO WE'RE JUST GONNA --
HAND OVER THE COCK!
OR I'LL PICK YOU OFF
ONE BY ONE.
STARTING WITH YOU.
YEAH, THERE'S NO ONE HERE
TO SAVE YOU THIS TIME...
It's Fearless Freddy!
IT'S YOU.
WHY, THIS PLACE IS JUS CRAWLING WITH TRAITORS NOW,
ISN'T IT?
WELL, LET'S SEE
HOW FEARLESS YOU ARE
WITH A BULLE IN YOUR HEAD!
NO-O-O-O-O!
ARRIE, ERERODY REE!
WHAT?
Y'ALL HEARD HIM!
RUSSO, PUT THE GUN DOWN!
EVERYBODY'S GOING TO JAIL!
Jade: WAIT!
WAIT A MINUTE, PARTNER.
THEY'RE WITH ME.
WHUDIME DEY WHICHU?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT,
"THEY'RE WITH YOU"?
THEY'VE BEEN...HELPING ME.
WAIT A MINUTE, YOU AIN' CLEARED THIS WITH US.
HOLD ON, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
YOU'RE WITH THEM?
YEAH,
SHE'S BEEN HELPING US
WITH OUR LITTLE STING
OPERATION.
YEAH.
YEAH.
GO AHEAD AND ARREST HIM.
HUH. SABBIT TOE...
YEAH, YOU TOO.
THAT'S RIGHT.
[ SPEAKING GIBBERISH ]
WHY ARE YOU ASS-NAKED?
WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT,
MUSH-MOUTH?
[ LAUGHS ]
DOO BAH HAGGY DOO ROW!
YOUR BALLS IS HANGING OUT.
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
WELL, YOU WON'T MAKE ANY
OF THIS STICK ANYWAY.
GIVE ME THE ITEM.
IT'S GLORIOUS!
WELL, I GUESS THIS CHANGES
OUR RELATIONSHIP.
I'M JUST GLAD
YOU'RE NOT A MAN.
YOU WANT TO GO OUTSIDE?
LET'S GO OUTSIDE...
Russo:
JUST ONE TASTE, ONE TASTE!
I'LL SAVE YOU, MR. RUSSO!
NO!
MR. ROGERS HIT ANYBODY?
RICARDO?
EVERYBODY OKAY?
I'VE BEEN SHOT, MAN.
Chris: NO, MAN.
STAY WITH ME.
IT'S OKAY.
EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE FINE.
I SEE THE LIGHT, MAN.
THAT'S A CHANDELIER.
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
RI-- RICARDO.
RICARDO.
RIC-- RICARDO!
STOP PLAYING.
RICARDO!
STOP PLAYING!
[ BELLS TOLLING ]
Ricardo: [ CRYING ]
HE'S DEAD!
I KNOW, BABY.
[ SOBBING ]
[ SOBBING LOUDLY ]
IT'S OKAY. Shh, shh,
shh, shh, shh, shh.
[ SOBBING CONTINUES ]
Shh, shh.
WE HAVE ANOTHER FUNERAL
COMING IN 15 MINUTES.
OKAY.
GET OUT.
Ricardo:
WHY DO PEOPLE DIE?
NOW, I KNOW
YOU'RE ONLY FIVE WEEKS.
BUT I FIGURED, YOU KNOW,
THE WAY I WORK,
I BETTER
GET STARTED EARLY.
YOU KNOW, MAN UP.
IT'S MY FALL SCHEDULE
OF CLASSES.
I WANT TO FINISH
WHAT I STARTED.
NOW, I KNOW MONEY'S
GONNA BE TIGHT,
BUT...I THINK
WE CAN MAKE IT.
WE'LL THINK OF SOMETHING,
BABY.
[ LAUGHS ]
ALL RIGHT, OKAY.
[ LAUGHS ]
SO THAT'S IT, MAN.
THAT'S IT, RIGHT THERE.
WHAT'S UP, MAN?
WHAT'S UP?
GO AHEAD
AND TELL HIM, MAN!
IT'S MINE, MAN.
WHAT'S YOURS?
THE PAWN SHOP, MAN!
MR. BUKAKI LEFT IT TO ME!
MAN, STOP LYING.
NO, HE'S NOT KIDDING.
IT'S HIS.
DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT RUNNING A BUSINESS?
HELL NO!
THAT'S -- THAT'S GOOD, MAN.
THAT'S REAL GOOD.
I'M HAPPY FOR YOU.
GOT SOME NEW ITEMS IN, MAN.
I THINK YOU GUYS
MIGHT BE INTERESTED.
YEAH?
SURE.
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
OH, MAN, WHERE DID YOU
GET THOSE AT?
OH!
WHERE'D YOU GET THAT FROM?
RICARDO!
I STOLE THEM FROM RUSSO'S
PERVERTED ART COLLECTION, MAN.
YOU ROBBED RUSSO?
THAT'S WHA I'M TALKING ABOUT!
THAT ONE LOOKS LIKE
A LITTLE STRONG MAN
WITH BIG SAPPHIRE BALLS.
AND THAT ONE...
LOOKS LIKE AN EGYPTIAN TACO?
YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT WOMEN, DO YOU?
ANYTHING!
NAH.
BUT I'M LEARNING, MAN.
WENT ON A DATE WITH JADE
LAST NIGHT.
Chris: WORD!
GOT TO HALF-BASE.
WHAT THE HELL IS HALF?
HELL, I DON'T KNOW.
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
YOU DONE GOOD, RICARDO.
LADY-KILLER!
YEAH.
SAY, YOU KNOW WHAT,
WE CAN GET A LOT OF MON--
WHERE THE HELL --
SMALL TIMERS
HEY
COME ON
[ BELL JINGLES ]
I DID NOT DO NOTHING!
AW, HELL NO!
[ SLOW HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ SLOW HIP-HOP MUSIC
CONTINUES ]
[ SLOW HIP-HOP MUSIC
CONTINUES ]
[ SOFT MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]
OH, WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT, WAIT.
[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ]
HEY, BABY.
OH, HELL NO!
YEAH, DADDY WILL HOME
IN A FEW MOMENTS, BABY.
GET OFF THE PHONE.
YOU JUST BE A GOOD GIRL
AND LISTEN TO THE BABYSITTER.
WATCH OUT, MAN.
NO, NO, WE DO NOT THROW FORKS
AT PEOPLE.
PLAY NICE, GIRL.
Ricardo: [ SHRIEKS ]
YO, CHRIS.
YEAH.
YOU SURE
THIS IS THE RIGHT PLACE?
[ CLEARS THROAT ] Y-YEAH,
THIS IS THE ELECTRONIC WAREHOUSE
WELL,
WHY THEY PAINTING?
UH [CLEARS THROAT]
T-THEY PROBABLY RENOVATING
OR SOMETHING.
IN A WAREHOUSE?
[ CLATTERING ]
HEY, WHAT WAS THAT?
YOUR IMAGINATION.
DON'T START THAT.
GET OFF ME.
WHAT?
I THINK THAT'S IT.
WHERE?
RIGHT THERE.
MAN,
THAT'S WAY UP THERE, MAN.
HEY, RICARDO,
CHECK THE OTHER SIDE.
BY MYSELF?
NO,
WITH PIPPI LONGSTOCKINGS.
WHO?
GO ON, MAN.
COME ON.
[ BALLS RATTLING ]
BALLS?
[ GRUNTS ]
STICKS.
CANDY?
CANDY!
MMM,
I'M GONNA TAKE THIS.
YO, CHRIS!
Antoine!
I found some candy, man.
ZOMBIES!
[ SCREAMS ]
[ SHRIEKING ]
AW, HELL,
I KNOW WHAT THAT WAS. LETS GO!
[ SHRIEKS ]
ZOMBIES!
THEY GOT GUNS!
AAH!
NO! HE'S GOT ME! AAH!
[ Sobbing ]
HE'S EATING MY LEGS!
[ CRYING ]
[ GRUNTS ]
[ ALARM RINGING ]
HE'S EATING MY LEGS!
[ FARTS ]
AW, NO. NO! NO!
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
LETS GO!
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
I TOLD YOU
TO STEAL A WHITE VAN!
MAN, I WASN'T GONNA
TO STEAL NO VAN.
I JUST RENTED ONE.
AND WHAT THEY HELL IS
THAT SMELL?!
Antoine: "LATE WEDNESDAY NIGHT,
A GROUP OF BUNGLING BANDITS
"ATTEMPTED
TO ROB THE WAREHOUSE
"ON THE SOUTH SIDE
OF THE OLD WATERFRONT DISTRICT,
"ONLY TO HAVE
THEIR CAPER FOILED
"BY A 92-YEAR-OLD
SECURITY GUARD.
"THE WAREHOUSE, WHICH IS
"THE FIRST OF MANY RENOVATIONS
IN THE AREA,
"IS SCHEDULED TO OPEN
AS A CHUCK E. CHEESE FRANCHISE
EARLIER NEXT YEAR."
[ Muffled ]
CHUCK E. CHEESE?
DAWG, WE ON PAGE SIX,
NEXT TO THE COMICS.
YOU KNOW
THEY DID THIS SHIT ON PURPOSE.
MEANWHILE, LOOK WHO GETS
PAGE ONE AGAIN.
WHO?
Chris:
"FEARLESS FREDDY STRIKES AGAIN."
OH, MAN,
WHAT DID HE STEAL THIS TIME?
DIAMONDS.
PASS ME
THE WANT ADS, BROTHER.
I GOT TO FIND A JOB, MAN.
AND A DAY CARE, TOO.
I CAME HOME LAST NIGHT.
I HAD TO TAKE THE BABYSITTER
TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM.
LOOK, MAN,
THE ANSWER'S NOT IN THAT PAPER.
WE GOT TO HOLD OU FOR THE BIG SCORE.
THAT'S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY,
MR. CAREER.
WHAT, THE BANK?
MAN, THAT'S ONE STEP ABOVE
PLANTATION WORK, BROTHER.
LOOK, MAN, TRUST ME.
WE CAN GET PAID.
PAID.
JUST GOT TO KNOW
WHERE TO LOOK FOR IT.
WE DON'T KNOW SHIT.
I CAN
CALL THAT GUY AGAIN.
WHAT GUY?
MR. WHISPER.
THAT MAN IS NOT GONNA
PUT US ON A HEIS BECAUSE WE'RE AMATEURS.
NO, NO, NO.
GUYS LIKE MR. WHISPER ARE
ALWAYS LOOKING FOR CREWS
TO PULL DOWN JOBS.
DAWG,
ITS SUPPLY AND DEMAND.
WE JUST GOT TO CATCH HIM
AT THE RIGHT TIME.
WHAT TIME IS IT?
LOOK, MAN,
I HATE THE BANK.
RICARDO HATES
THE PAWNSHOP.
ACTUALLY --
SHUT UP!
YOU GOT TO MAKE RENT NEXT MONTH,
RIGHT, BROTHER?
I MEAN,
WHAT'S A CALL GONNA HURT?
OR, HEY, YOU COULD, UH,
KEEP CIRCLING THOSE WANT ADS.
HEY, NEED A PEN?
THAT'S A GOOD ONE
RIGHT THERE.
DOOKIE SCRAPER.
$6.75 AN HOUR.
[ PIANO PLAYING
MID-TEMPO MUSIC ]
SO,
WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED TODAY?
YOLANDA, HAVE I NOT BEEN
GENEROUS TO YOU?
[ Crying ]
MR. RUSSO, PLEASE.
I CAN EXPLAIN.
YES, I HAVE,
AND YET YOU STILL HAD
THE AUDACITY
TO SEAL FROM ME,
DIDN'T YOU?
I'M SO SORRY,
MR. RUSSO.
UNFORTUNATELY,
SORRY DOESN'T REPLACE
THE $20 YOU STOLE FROM ME,
NOW, DOES IT?
BUT, MR. RUSSO,
MY CHILDREN --
THEY NEEDED TO GO
TO THE HOSPITAL.
SILENCE!
[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]
NO ONE STEALS FROM ME,
YOLANDA.
UNFORTUNATELY,
YOU ARE...FIRED.
[ LAUGHING ]
NO!
NO!
I'M KIDDING.
YOU'RE NOT --
YOU'RE NOT FIRED.
[ LAUGHTER ]
KILL HER.
[ SCREAMS ]
[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]
WELL PLAYED,
MR. RUSSO.
[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]
MMM.
WORKIE TIME.
[ MUSIC STOPS ]
[ TELEPHONE BEEPING ]
OKAY, TELL ME AGAIN,
WHY DO WE HAVE TO BE IN HERE?
'CAUSE, MAN,
JALISSA WILL BE HOME ANY MINUTE.
SHE CAN'T KNOW
WHAT WE'RE DOING.
BUT WHY DO WE HAVE TO BE
IN THE SHOWER, MAN?
Soundproof.
ANTOINE,
YOU LOSING YOUR HAIR, MAN?
SHUT UP.
IT'S RINGING.
MR. WHISPER: Yes?
MR WHISPER.
YOU MUST HAVE
THE WRONG NUMBER.
OH RIGHT, RIGHT,
T-THE PASSWORD.
UM...
HUSH, LITTLE BABY
SHORT AND STOUT
TO FETCH
A PAIL OF WATER
ALL THE KINGS HORSES
AND ALL THE KINGS MEN
HICKORY, DICKORY, DOCK
I'm listening.
YEAH, YEAH,
I-IT'S ANTOINE CALLING AGAIN.
UM...ME AND MY CREW WERE
JUST LOOKING TO,
YOU KNOW, PULL DOWN A JOB.
YOU GOT ANYTHING LINED UP?
LET ME GIVE YOU
SOME ADVICE, ANTOINE.
WHEN THREE BLIND MICE SI A ON A TUFFET,
THE COW JUMPS
OVER THE MOON.
[ Click ]
WHAT THE HELL
DOES THAT MEAN?
IT'S A RIDDLE.
ITS NOT A RIDDLE, MAN.
HE'S BLOWING US OFF.
I TOLD YOU
THIS WAS A WASTE OF TIME, MAN.
WHOA, WHOA, YOU GOT TO HAVE
A LITTLE FAITH, BROTHER.
I GOT TO HAVE A JOB,
MAN.
I CAN'T BE
CHASING PIPE DREAMS.
OH.
OH.
HEY, GUYS.
HEY, BABY.
[ CHUCKLES ]
WHAT YOU DOING HOME
SO EARLY?
I HAD
A DOCTOR'S APPOINTMEN BABY, WE WAS --
I DON'T EVEN WAN TO KNOW.
BUT WHEN Y'ALL GET DONE
PLAYING,
I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.
IT'S IMPORTANT.
JALISSA, GIRL,
YOU LOOK GOOD.
MM, YEAH.
I AGREE.
GOT IT, SIR.
GOOD MORNING,
HONEY.
WHERE'S YOLANDA?
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
UH...VACATION.
SO, HOW'S MY LOVELY WIFE
THIS MORNING?
A LITTLE LONELY.
WELL,
DADDY HAS TO WORK HARD
TO BUY YOU ALL THE THINGS
YOU WANT, NOW, DOESN'T HE?
I KNOW.
WHY DON'T YOU AND ME
GO UPSTAIRS
AND PLAY OURSELVES
A LITTLE GAME, YEAH?
[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]
MR. RUSSO'S ESTATE.
ONE MOMENT, PLEASE.
[ ZIPPER OPENS ]
[ CLEARS THROAT LOUDLY ]
THANK YOU, JEFFREY.
HELLO?
AH,
MR. FEARLESS FREDDY.
NOT NOW.
ONLY IN THE DARK.
YES, YOU ARE
A HARD MAN TO GET AHOLD OF.
YOU'RE QUITE THE LEGEND.
I'M SURPRISED THAT WE HAVEN' SPOKEN BEF-- OH! ...FORE.
NOW, TELL ME, MR. FREDDY,
WHAT DO YOU KNOW
ABOUT CAESAR'S PHALLUS?
CAESAR'S PHALLUS...
A UNIQUE ITEM INDEED.
IT WAS A GIF TO QUEEN VICTORIA
DURING THE LAST YEARS
OF HER REIGN.
CAN I TOUCH THIS?
PLEASE DO.
DAMN, THIS IS HEAVY.
OOH.
YES, YES, IT IS.
OH, BOY, THIS IS NICE.
BRING NEW MEANING TO,
"DIAMONDS ARE
A GIRL'S BEST FRIEND."
[ CHUCKLES ]
WELL ITS ALMOST 3:00.
SO, HOW LONG IS THIS GONNA BE
IN SAN FRANCISCO?
OH, THERE'S BEEN
A CHANGE IN PLANS.
GENTLEMEN.
HERE'S YOUR PACKAGE.
YES.
NOW, EXERCISE GREAT CARE
OF THIS, WON'T YOU?
IN SOME CIRCLES,
THIS IS PRICELESS.
I THINK I'M GONNA GO
TAKE MY BREAK NOW
OH, MY.
OH, MY, MY, MY.
DID I HAVE THAT ERECTION
THE ENTIRE TIME?
[ SIMULATED GUNFIRE,
EXPLOSIONS ]
BOO-YAH, BITCH!
HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW?
Antoine:
HOLD UP! HOLD UP!
[ LAUGHS ]
YOU BEEN PRACTICING.
YOU BEEN --
THAT'S GAME, BABY!
OH, OH, OH, OH.
OH, OH, OH.
YOUR BREATH STINK.
[ LAUGHS ]
[ SMOOCHES ]
NICE.
I DIDN'T WAN TO PLAY THAT GAME, NO WAY.
YOU'VE BEEN
PRACTICING THAT.
COME ON,
I DIDN'T BEAT YOU THAT BAD.
OH, NO, ITS NOT THAT.
BELIEVE ME.
THAT'S PROBABLY
THE HIGHLIGHT OF MY DAY.
AW, SPENDING TIME
WITH YOUR WIFE IS
THE HIGHLIGHT OF YOUR DAY.
OH, MY GOSH,
YOUR LIFE TOTALLY SUCKS.
I'M JUST SAYING.
SAYING WHAT?
NOTHING.
JUST ANOTHER HARD DAY AT WORK.
THAT'S ALL.
YOU WANT TO KNOW
WHY EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE OKAY?
YES, PLEASE, TELL ME.
BECAUSE YOU'RE STILL GOOD
AT YOUR NUMBER-ONE JOB,
AND THAT'S BEING
HEAD OF THIS HOUSEHOLD.
YOU DO STILL LIKE
THAT JOB, RIGHT?
THE BENEFITS ARE
PRETTY GOOD.
[ CHUCKLES ]
[ LAUGHS ]
UM...NOW THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE
I NEED TO TELL YOU.
OKAY.
I'M PREGNANT.
BABY, THAT'S...
DADDY!
ALL I SAID WAS
MAKE IT CLAP GIRL...
HI.
OH, HEY, BABY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP?
I'M PLAYING WITH DAISY.
WHO?
DAISY, OUR DOG, DADDY.
OH, BABY.
DAISY PASSED AWAY,
REMEMBER?
WE BURIED HER IN THE GARDEN
ABOUT THREE MONTHS AGO.
NOW SHE'S
ON THE COFFEE TABLE.
WHAT IS THAT?
I MADE BREAKFAST!
[ LAUGHS ]
OH, MY GOD.
RICARDO, GET BACK TO WORK.
YOU'RE LAZY.
CHUTIA.
HEY, MR. BUKKAKI,
YOU REMEMBER MY FRIEND ANTOINE?
YEAH,
I REMEMBER ANTWINE.
DON'T STEAL ANYTHING,
OKAY?
[ COUGHING LOUDLY ]
ON YOUR WAY TO WORK?
[ BELL JINGLES ]
Antoine: YEAH.
WHAT'S UP, MAN?
NOTHING, MAN, I JUST --
HOLD ON.
HEY, YOU BETTER HAVE SOME MONEY
OR SOMETHING TO SELL, MAN!
I AM JUST LOOKING, BRO.
YEAH,
LOOKING TO STEAL SOMETHING.
MAN, THIS DUDE COMES IN HERE
ALL THE TIME,
TRYING TO JACK
MR. BUKKAKI.
SO, WHAT'S UP MAN?
LET ME ASK YOU
A QUESTION.
ARE YOU HAPPY
THE WAY YOUR LIFE IS?
YEAH, MAN.
I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW.
SOMETIMES, YEAH.
HEY!
I DID NOT DO NOTHING.
PUT IT BACK!
COME ON.
ALL RIGHT, UH...
CAMILLA, BABY, SEE...
UH, IF MY JACKET IS...
IN THE CAR.
Camilla: IT IS.
[ SIGHS ]
Damn.
GREAT.
BUT I'M SAYING...
YOU LIKE WORKING HERE?
JUST SCRAPING BY
EACH MONTH?
DON'T YOU FEEL LIKE
SOMETHING ELSE IS MISSING?
SOMETIMES, YEAH.
LIKE WHAT?
[ BELL JINGLES ]
HER.
[ HEART BEATING ]
HI, RICARDO.
HEY, JADE.
UH, YOU GOT SOMETHING
YOU WANT TO SELL?
YEAH. IS HE HERE?
YEAH.
H-HE'S IN THE BACK.
OH.
Antoine:
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
UH, JADE,
T-THIS IS, UH...
THIS -- ANTOINE, THIS --
NICE TO MEET YOU.
NICE TO MEET YOU,
ANTOINE.
UH,
YOU CAN GO TO THE BACK.
I'M GONNA
GO IN THE BACK.
OKAY.
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
CRAZY. [ CHUCKLES ]
CRAZY.
YO,
WHAT'S UP WITH HER?
JADE?
YEAH.
SHE COMES HERE
A COUPLE TIMES A MONTH.
DOES BUSINESS
WITH MR. BUKKAKI.
THAT'S ABOUT ALL I KNOW.
WHY DON'T YOU
ASK HER OUT?
[ SCOFFS, LAUGHS ]
YOU SERIOUS?
YEAH.
[ SCOFFS ]
NO, MAN.
COME ON. WHAT?
MAN, GIRLS LIKE THAT ARE LIKE
A GLASS SLIPPER, MAN.
AND I'M LIKE...
A SOCK
WITH DOO-DOO ON IT.
WHAT?
WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?
SHE'S EVERYTHING
EVERYBODY TOLD ME
I WOULD NEVER HAVE.
YOU NEED TO GET THA OUT OF YOUR HEAD, MAN.
YOU, ME, AND CHRIS --
WE GOT TO MAKE A CHANGE.
STEP OUR GAME UP.
GET OUR LIVES BACK ON TRACK.
TAKE WHAT WE WANT.
YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M SAYING?
[ Rapping ]
I GOT A PAYCHECK
SITTIN' IN THE BANK,
MY J.O.B. I'D LIKE TO THANK
A FRESH NEW CROWN
AND COKE TO DRINK...
HOLD ON.
HOW ARE YOU?
UH, I'M HERE FOR THE --
THE INTERVIEW.
MY NAME IS
CHRISTOPHER FEEPS.
FEEPS. OKAY.
AH, YES. GOT YOU RIGHT THERE.
MM-HMM.
ALL RIGHT, IT'S JUST GONNA BE
THROUGH THOSE DOUBLE DOORS.
SOMETIMES I GET PISSED
GET MAD AT JOBS,
I JUST QUIT
OKAY, NOW, CAMILLA,
DADDY REALLY NEEDS YOU...
TO BE
ON YOUR BEST BEHAVIOR
'cause daddy really needs
this job.
HOW DO I LOOK?
GOOD.
HOW'S MY TIE?
PERFECT.
OKAY. HIGH FIVE.
DOWN LOW.
TOO SLOW.
HEY.
YOU WAN TO PLAY A GAME?
WHAT'S UP, GIRL?
MISTER ED!
HEY, HOW YOU DOING?
ALL RIGHT.
HOW YOU DOING?
ALL RIGHT.
VANESSA,
WHAT'S UP DAWG?
FORGET YOU, THEN.
HEY, MS. BEN,
HOW YOU DOING?
HEY,
MR. SIMMS NEEDS TO SEE YOU.
FOR WHAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
OKAY.
Bukkaki: YOU BRING BACK
MORE MERCHANDISE LIKE THAT,
I GIVE YOU GOOD PRICE.
OKAY,
YOU CAN COUNT ON IT.
Take what you want.
HEY, JADE.
YEAH.
UH....
I WAS WONDERING...
RICARDO.
TOILET OVERFLOW.
GODZILLA SHI IN THE BATHROOM.
YOU GO CLEAN IT UP.
I GOT TO GO
CLEAN UP DOOKIE.
OKAY, WELL, IF YOU SURVIVE,
MAYBE ILL SEE YOU LATER.
BYE.
[ BELL JINGLES ]
THAT'S EVERYTHING I WAN FROM THIS ORGANIZATION
AND EVERYTHING
I CAN PROVIDE.
I BELIEVE
THAT WITH THE --
Receptionist:
[ SCREAMING ]
HEY!
THAT WASN'T TWO MINUTES.
DADDY, ARE YOU DONE YET?
'CAUSE I GOT TO DROP A DEUCE.
AS YOU KNOW, YOUR DRAWER WAS
SHORT $1,200 ON FRIDAY.
YEAH, I KNOW.
I TOLD SCOTT ABOUT THAT ALREADY.
IT WAS A COMPUTER ERROR.
WASN'T ME.
YEAH, UM,
I SPOKE WITH SCOTT YESTERDAY,
AND, UH, THE PROBLEM IS,
UNFORTUNATELY,
IN SCENARIOS LIKE THIS,
WHERE SUCH A LARGE SUM IS
MISSING...
YOU KNOW WE'VE GO NO RECOURSE.
WE GOT TO HOLD
THE TELLER RESPONSIBLE
AND TAKE APPROPRIATE ACTION.
SO YOU'RE GONNA
WRITE ME UP?
WELL, GIVEN THE AMOUN AND THE FACT THAT YOU HAVEN' BALANCED SEVERAL TIMES BEFORE...
NO, NO, NO,
THAT WAS TWICE,
AND NEITHER TIME WAS
OVER $5.
WELL THAT MIGHT BE THE CASE,
BUT COMPANY POLICY IS
VERY, VERY CLEAR
ON THESE MATTERS.
SO YOU'RE [SCOFFS]
YOU'RE FIRING ME?
I'M SORRY, ANTOINE.
NO, NO, NO, LOOK.
LOOK,
ARE YOU GONNA GET VIOLENT?
NO, JUST LISTEN TO ME,
OKAY?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M SORRY.
HEY,
THERE'S NO NEED FOR THIS.
GET BACK THERE!
GET BACK THERE!
OW! OH, LORD!
SECURITY!
GET OFF THE PHONE!
SECURITY!
GET BACK.
OW! OW!
SECURITY,
GET IN HERE!
GET HIM!
GET HIM! GET HIM!
HE'S TRYING TO KILL ME!
Antoine: OW! OW!
I THINK
HE'S GOT A WEAPON.
OHH!
HIT HIM AGAIN!
OH, THAT SHIT HURTS!
HIT HIM AGAIN!
OH, THAT SHIT HURTS!
HIT HIM AGAIN!!
OHH! OHH!
OH, HELL, MY SHOE.
OH,
HE'S GOING FOR A SHANK!
A WHAT?
[ ELECTRICITY BUZZES ]
ARRRGGGHHHH!
AAH!
AND DON'T USE US
AS A REFERENCE.
SIR.
[ KEYS CLACKING ]
SEEMS THE SYSTEM DUPLICATED
AN ONLINE DEPOSIT FOR $1,200.
IT'S JUST A GLITCH.
I FIXED IT.
OH. WELL...
WE CERTAINLY DON'T NEED
TROUBLEMAKERS WORKING FOR US,
DO WE?
WHO?
WELL, THAT ANTOINE.
YOU KNOW, HE PRACTICALLY
STABBED ME WITH A SHANK.
YOU GOT FIRED?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WRONG?
YEAH. GOT BORN.
THEY GAVE YOU A REASON,
RIGHT?
I MEAN,
THEY JUST CAN'T LET YOU GO
WITHOUT GIVING YOU
A REASON.
OH, YEAH,
THEY TOLD ME WHY,
AND THEN THEY THREW ME
FACE-FIRST IN THE STREET.
IT WAS THAT DAMN GLITCH.
NOTHING I COULD DO.
IT'LL BE OKAY.
NO, IT WONT BE OKAY.
YOU KNOW WHAT THE JOB MARKE IS LIKE OUT THERE?
CHRIS HAS
A ASSOCIATES DEGREE,
AND HE GOT TURNED DOWN
AT BURGER KING.
BABY,
I DON'T EVEN GOT THAT.
AND NOW WE GO THIS BABY COMING.
WELL, MAYBE WE CAN
TALK TO THE OWNER.
WHAT'S HIS NAME?
JALISSA, IT'S HIS NAME
ON THE PINK SLIP.
WELL HE SEEMED REALLY NICE
AT THE CHRISTMAS PARTY.
I THOUGH MAYBE WE COULD REASON WITH HIM.
YEAH, YEAH,
WELL, FIRST OF ALL,
I THINK HE WAS HIGH
AT THE CHRISTMAS PARTY,
AND THEN, SECOND,
WHITE PEOPLE DON'T LISTEN
TO BLACK FOLKS ACCUSED
OF LOSING THOUSANDS
OF THEIR DOLLARS.
MAN ALREADY GOT EVERYTHING,
AND HE WAN TO TAKE MORE FROM ME.
LISTEN TO ME.
LISTEN.
MR. FANCY PANTS CAN
SIT UP THERE
ON TOP OF ALL HIS BIG MONEY
AND BIG HOUSE
UNTIL HE DROPS DEAD.
BUT YOU HAVE TWO THINGS
THAT ARE WAY MORE IMPORTANT.
AND WHAT'S THAT?
THIS.
AND THIS.
I'LL THINK OF SOMETHING,
BABE.
WAREHOUSE STOCK BOY.
MM. JANITOR.
DOOKIE SCRAPER.
NO, NO, HELL NO!
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO,
MAN?
Chris: NO. NO. NEVER.
IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN,
MAN.
DUDE, THIS CAN WORK, MAN.
ANTOINE, WE DON'T KNOW
ENOUGH ABOUT ALARM SYSTEMS
TO BE BREAKING INTO A BANK
AT NIGHT.
WE DON'T HAVE TO.
WELL DO I IN THE DAYTIME.
WHAT?
YOU SAID WE WOULD NEVER DO
A STICKUP.
YOU SAID
WE WOULD NEVER USE GUNS.
YOU SAID WE'RE NO JUST YOUR AVERAGE STREET THUGS
WE DON'T HAVE TO USE GUNS,
MAN.
I GOT A PLAN.
GUNS SCARE ME, MAN.
NO MEANS NO, ANTOINE.
I CAN'T AFFORD TO GET PINCHED
FOR ROBBING A BANK, MAN.
I GOT A LITTLE KID
TO THINK ABOUT.
YEAH, WELL, SO DO I.
WHAT?
JALISSA'S PREGNANT.
FOR REAL?
LOOK, MAN,
I NEED THIS.
WE ALL NEED THIS.
LOOK, I'M TELLING YOU, MAN,
THIS CAN WORK.
TRUST ME.
[ SIGHS ]
ALL RIGHT.
GONNA AT LEAST LISTEN
TO IT.
OKAY,
THIS IS WHAT WE DO.
WE HIJACK
CANS OF SEVOFLURANE.
IT'S WHAT DOCS USE
TO KNOCK OUT THEIR PATIENTS.
WE MAKE OUR WAY
TO THE ROOF OF THE BANK.
WE BREAK OPEN
THE A.C. UNIT,
AND WE SEEP THE GAS
INTO THE VENTILATION SYSTEM.
EVERY FRIDAY AT 2:00,
THEY OPEN THE VAUL TO DO A CASH DROP.
WE TIME THE GAS
WITH THE OPENING OF THE VAULT,
AND THEN WE WAIT.
AFTER 10, 15 MINUTES,
EVERYBODY IN THE BANK WILL BE
KNOCKED OUT.
THEN WE JUST MAKE OUR WAY
IN THE BANK.
INSIDE THE VAULT,
THERE ARE SAFETY DEPOSIT BOXES
WE SKIP THOSE
AND GO STRAIGHT FOR THE CASH.
THE SECURITY CAMERAS CAPTURE
FOOTAGE
ONTO A HARD DRIVE
IN THE BACK ROOM.
WE TAKE THE HARD DRIVE,
TAKE THE CASH,
AND THEN WE SPLIT.
WITH NO SECURITY FOOTAGE,
NO WITNESSES,
NO WAY TO TIE US
TO THE CRIME SCENE.
SO?
SAYING
HOW YOU JUST GOT FIRED --
WON'T THAT AUTOMATICALLY
MAKE YOU A SUSPECT?
NO. I GOT IT, MAN.
I CAN HANDLE IT.
WHERE WE GONNA GE THE CANS OF SEVOF--
FLAVOR FLAV?
WHEN THE LAST TIME YOU FELLAS
BEEN TO THE DENTIST?
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
HEY.
UH, G-GOOD AFTERNOON MA'AM.
WERE WITH THE GLACIER SPRINGS
WATER DELIVERY,
AND, UH, WE'RE HERE
TO REPLACE YOUR JUGS
DUE TO CONTAMINATION.
CONTAMINATED WITH WHAT?
FLESH-EATING BACTERIA, MA'AM.
IT'S COOL, 'CAUSE YOU KNOW
IT TAKE ABOUT A DAY OR SO
BEFORE YOUR FACE ROTS OFF
AND THEN YOUR MUCUS
STARTS FALLING INTO YOUR TEETH,
AND THEN YOUR TEETH FALL OUT,
AND THEN YOU HAVE
INTESTINAL PROBLEMS,
AND THEN YOU HAVE DIARRHEA,
AND THEN
IT SHOOT OUT YOUR BUTT!
[ STOMPS ]
AND -- [ GRUNTS ]
I HAVE BEEN
HAVING DIARRHEA TODAY.
WHERE YOU KEEP
THE REST OF YOUR JUGS?
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH
WHOO
HEY, YO,
I THINK THIS IS IT.
MAN, YOU LEF THE DAMN DOLLY, MAN.
ALL RIGHT.
[ ELECTRICITY ZAPS ]
UH, WHAT?
HEY, GO GET SOME LIGHT BULBS.
WHAT?
GET SOME LIGHT BULBS.
I AIN'T FEEL LIKE
GETTING NO DAMN LIGHT BULBS.
IF YOU WANT A LIGHT,
I GOT A LIGHTER RIGHT HERE, MAN.
BOY,
THIS STUFF IS FLAMMABLE!
YOU WANT US TO BLOW UP?!
GO LOOK AROUND.
[ DOOR SQUEAKS ]
[ SIGHS ]
EXCUSE ME.
[ EXHALES FORCEFULLY ]
MAY I ASK
WHAT YOU'RE DOING HERE?
HEY.
H-H-H-HOW'S IT GOING?
UH, I'M WITH THE GLACIER SPRINGS
WATER DELIVERY COMPANY SERVICE,
AND WERE JUST HERE, UH,
REPLACING YOUR JUGS
DUE TO CONTAMINATION.
CONTAMINATION?
YES, SIR.
WHAT SORT OF CONTAMINATION?
UH...
UH...
MAYBE I COULD, UH,
YOU KNOW --
I COULD GE YOUR E-MAIL OR SOMETHING.
ANTOINE: Ricardo.
WHAT IT IS?
Hey,
we got to go to plan B.
Chris is in trouble.
YOU MEAN I GET TO COME IN?
Hurry up!
UH, YOU KNOW,
ITS KIND OF HARD TO SAY.
I'M -- I'M NOT AN EXPER ON, YOU KNOW, SCIENCE.
[ Spanish accent ]
I DRIVE THE TRUCK OUTSIDE,
AND, UH,
I WAS SITTING IN THE TRUCK,
AND I WASN'T FEELING GOOD.
I WANTED TO THROW UP,
AND, UH --
EXCUSE ME.
[ RETCHING ]
SIR, ARE YOU [GASPS]
[ RETCHING CONTINUES ]
OH, OH, OH!
SIR,
ARE YOU GOING TO BE OKAY?
NO, I THINK I'M CONSTIPATED
OUT OF THE MOUTH.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
ALL RIGHT, LISTEN.
I'M GONNA HAVE TO SPEAK
TO YOUR SUPERVISOR RIGHT NOW,
SO WHY DON'T YOU GO AHEAD
AND GIVE ME THAT NUMBER?
THIS WAY, IF YOU JUST --
[ GROANS ]
OH, SIR.
MY LEGS
AREN'T WORKING WITH ME.
COME ON,
YOU SONS OF BITCHES!
I'M NOT FEELING GOOD!
OH! OH!
OH!
OH! DOCTOR!
DON'T MOVE.
YEAH.
DOCTOR!
GRACE?
GRACE? WHAT'S WRONG?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?
WHAT'S WRONG?
IS HE GOING
INTO CARDIAC ARREST?
I'LL HAVE --
CALL THE PARAMEDICS, ALL RIGHT?!
CALL THE PARAMEDICS!
HEY, HEY, ANTOINE,
JUST GRAB WHAT YOU CAN,
AND LET'S GO AND LOAD IT UP.
WHAT YOU GOT?
[ RICARDO SCREAMING ]
WE NEED IT QUICK.
HE'S CHOKING
ON HIS OWN SPIT.
GRACE, STOP HIM.
STOP HIM.
ALL RIGHT.
EVERYTHING'S GONNA
BE ALL RIGHT.
EVERYTHING'S GONNA
BE ALL RIGHT, SIR.
AAAAAH!
SIR, CALM DOWN!
[ SCREAMING STOPS ]
EXCUSE ME.
I'M FEELING
A LOT BETTER.
JUST...
SORRY.
THANK YOU.
YOU DID GOOD.
YOU DID GOOD.
OHH!
MY STOMACH, UH...
THIS IS
A NICE PLACE HERE.
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
Man:
YOU LEFT MY BABY WHERE?
ALL RIGHT, NOW, MY SUGGESTION
WOULD BE THE PREMIUM ACCOUN BECAUSE, AS THE NAME SUGGESTS,
IT HAS THE BEST BENEFITS.
IS THIS THE ONLY PLAN
THAT HAS FREE CHECKING, THOUGH?
LET ME CHECK.
[ CHUCKLES ]
"LET ME CHECK."
EXCUSE ME?
[ LAUGHS ]
YOU SAID, "LET ME CHECK."
YOU MADE A PUN.
[ LAUGHS ]
I GUESS I DID.
I GUESS
IT DIDN'T REGISTER.
REGISTER!
[ LAUGHS ]
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
I MADE ANOTHER ONE!
[ LAUGHING ]
[ LAUGHING ]
DEPOSITORY THIS FOR ME.
DEPOSITORY!
DEPOSITORY.
[ LAUGHING CONTINUES ]
[ LAUGHING ]
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
[ BOTH LAUGHING ]
OHHHH!
[ LAUGHTER CONTINUES ]
YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME PEE.
YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME PEE!
[ LAUGHTER CONTINUES ]
[ LAUGHTER CONTINUES ]
WHAT IN THE HELL
ARE THEY DOING?
WHAT?
RICARDO,
CHECK THE CANISTER.
SEE WHAT IT SAYS.
WHY DIDN'T YOU DO THIS
EARLIER, MAN?
IT SAYS "NITROUS OXIDE."
[ COUGHING ]
MAN, THAT'S LAUGHING GAS,
MAN. WHAT...?
[ SIGHS ]
YOU STOLE IT.
MIGHT AS WELL.
WHAT?
COME ON.
OHH.
OH, YEAH,
I'M ABOUT TO DO THIS!
RICARDO, I SAID PANTYHOSE,
NOT PANTIES.
OH...PANTYHOSE!
LET'S GO!
NO, NO, NO, NO.
YOU STAYING HERE.
WHY, MAN?
'CAUSE YOU GOT PANTIES
ON YOUR HEAD.
'CAUSE YOU GOT PANTIES
ON YOUR HEAD.
LOOK.
LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.
STAY IN THE CAR,
KEEP IT RUNNING,
WE'LL BE IN AND OUT.
I HOPE YOU GET CAUGHT.
I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.
[ LAUGHTER CONTINUES ]
ALL RIGHT,
GRAB THE ONES ON THE LEFT.
THE ONES ON THE RIGH ARE FITTED WITH DYE PACKS.
ON THE LEFT...
RIGHT.
ON THE...
[ LAUGHTER CONTINUES ]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
MAN --
MAN, TAKE THESE PANTIES
OFF YOUR HEAD!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHY AREN'T YOU
IN THE CAR?
IT WAS HOT. I FARTED.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO STAY
IN THE CAR.
GET YOUR ASS
OUT OF HERE.
STAY IN THE CAR
AND WATCH OUT!
[ LAUGHTER CONTINUES ]
[ SQUEALS ]
JADE?
[ BARKING ]
AAH!
EEEE! EEEE!
HOLD MY FEET!
[ CASH REGISTER DINGS ]
RICARDO, LET'S GO!
OH, DAMN!
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
WHAT THE HELL
HAPPENED TO YOU?
MR. ROGERS
DONE BROKE HIS NECK, HUH?
[ SIGHS ]
[ INDISTINCT TALKING ]
HEY, WHAT'S UP, MAN?
YOU GET ANYTHING?
MNH-MNH.
ME EITHER, MAN.
WHERE'S THIS FAT-CA OWNER AT, MAN?
HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN HERE
LIKE 30 MINUTES AGO.
YOU THE OWNER?
[ SIGHS ]
YES, THIS IS MY BANK.
WHAT HAPPENED HERE?
HEY, I'M DETECTIVE WHITE,
AND THIS IS DETECTIVE MEEKS.
LIKE I TOLD YOU
ON THE PHONE,
WE GOT TWO OR THREE
ASSAILANTS,
SOME NITROUS-OXIDE
GAS CANISTERS ON THE ROOF.
THAT'S ALL WE HAVE
FOR RIGHT NOW.
MIDDA RUDDO, VENEEDA --
VENEEDA ASSUAFEW KESSION.
I BEG YOUR PARDON?
HE SAID WE NEED TO
ASK YOU A FEW QUESTIONS.
MM.
PSHHH.
YUYA WYGOT BIGTITTY?
E-EXCUSE ME?
HE WAS SAYING, "DO YOU
AND YOUR WIFE LIVE IN THE CITY?"
YES, BUT HOW IS
THAT RELEVANT?
WHEASKA KESSIONS.
CAN YOU THINK OF ANYBODY
THAT WOULD WANT TO ROB YOU?
LET'S SEE, I DON'T KNOW.
I SUPPOSE ANYONE THA WOULD WANT FREE MONEY.
ESSAFLO.
AIGGH MEDENNA BAKKAP.
JUST ONE MORE QUESTION.
WHERE WERE YOU
ABOUT A COUPLE OF HOURS AGO?
DO YOU ACTUALLY THINK
THAT I WOULD ROB MY OWN BANK?
LISTEN, WE HAVE TO CONSIDER
ALL POSSIBILITIES.
THAT'S INCLUDING
BANK FRAUD.
MM-HMM.
YES, WELL,
I WAS WITH MY WIFE.
ALL DAY.
OKAY.
I DON'T HAVE
ANY MORE QUESTIONS, MAN.
UH, MIDDA RUDDO,
TANDU SUKKADIC?
I'M SORRY. WHAT DID
YOU JUST SAY TO ME?
WOULD YOU MIND
REPEATING THAT, PLEASE?
HE WAS JUST SAYING
COULD YOU TAKE THIS
AND GO AHEAD AND WRITE DOWN
YOUR STATEMENT.
[ PAPER RUSTLES ]
LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION,
DETECTIVE MEEKS.
HOW DOES A MAN
SUCH AS YOURSELF
OBTAIN A POSITION
ON THE POLICE FORCE?
I WOULD THINK WITH YOUR LACK
OF COMMUNICATIVE SKILLS,
YOU WOULD BE NOT ONLY
A HINDRANCE,
BUT AN ANNOYANCE,
AS WELL.
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.
HEY, STEP BACK NOW.
YOU OKAY?
YOU BIGGER THAN THAT.
THAT'S THE FINEST DETECTIVE
RIGHT THERE IN THE WORLD, OKAY?
HE TOOK ONE IN THE LEG,
HE TOOK TWO IN THE GUT,
AND TWO IN THE MOUTH.
WHERE IS IT?!
NOOOO!!
YOU THERE, GET IN HERE.
YES, SIR?
EARLIER TODAY,
DID A MAN BRING IN AN ITEM
AND LEAVE IT FOR ME?
AN ITEM?
I'M NOT --
I'M NOT SURE, SIR.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
YOU'RE NOT SURE?
YOU'RE THE BANK MANAGER.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE OVERSEEING
ALL BUSINESS TRANSACTIONS,
ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY
PERTAIN TO ME.
WELL, I...COULD ASK THE TELLERS
IF ANYBODY CAME BY.
YOU DO THAT.
Chris: THERE IT IS.
HOW MUCH
YOU THINK WE GOT, MAN?
I DON'T KNOW, BRUH.
ITS HARD TO SAY.
I CAN'T BELIEVE
WE PULLED THIS OFF.
IT'S THE REAL DEAL!
THIS IS BETTER
THAN SEX, SON!
JACKIN' OFF
DON'T COUNT.
YEAH, IT DOES.
BUT YOU A VIRGIN.
YO, OPEN THE MONEY.
THAT'S WHY I DON' MESS AROUND WITH VIRGINS.
OPEN IT.
OHH! [ SQUEALS ]
OH, NOW,
THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
THAT'S SO GOOD!
THAT IS BEAUTIFUL!
THAT'S SO GOOD!
IT IS, LORD.
HELP US, JESUS.
OH!
[ BEEPING ]
ONE OF Y'ALL GOT A WATCH?
NAW, I LOST MINE.
[ BEEPING CONTINUES ]
[ BEEPING ACCELERATES ]
OH, SNAP, SON.
OKAY, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
FIRST I'M GONNA CRY,
AND THEN...I'M JUS GOING TO SIT HERE.
WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE MONEY?
HEY, HEY, HEY.
THE MONEY!
WE CAN FIX THIS.
WE CANT FIX THIS, MAN.
THIS IS A TRAGEDY.
DO YOU SEE THIS?
ALL THAT WORK
AND WHAT WE GOT?
NOTHIN'!
NO MONEY AND A FREE DYE JOB
THAT SAYS,
"HEY, WE THE DUMBASS NIGGAZ
THAT ROBBED THE BANK.
TAKE US TO JAIL."
I'M HISPANIC.
ANTOINE?
HEY, BABY.
YOU'RE HOME EARLY.
I WAS JUST TRYING
TO SURPRISE YOU.
THAT'S TWO DAYS
IN A ROW.
SURPRISE!
RIGHT, JUST LIE TO ME.
JUST LIE TO JALISSA,
THAT'S FINE.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
WHERE YOU GOING?
DON'T LIE TO ME, ANTOINE!
I DIDN'T SAY NOTHIN'!
WHAT ABOUT THE MONEY?
WE...WON THE LOTTERY.
THE L--
THE SCRATCH-OFF.
AND THEY GAVE US
THE BAG OF M-MONEY.
SHUT UP, LET ME SEE.
RICARDO, MY EYE.
AND YOU SAID
YOU DIDN'T LIKE WALLS,
SO WE WAS LIKE,
"HEY, LET'S PAINT IT RED!"
[ STOMPS ]
I HEARD ABOUT IT AT WORK.
A BANK GOT ROBBED --
YOUR BANK.
YOU GONNA TELL ME
THAT WASN'T YOU?
MY STOMACH HURTS.
TELL ME THE TRUTH!
OKAY.
WE DID IT.
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
DID ANYBODY GET HURT?
NO, NO. NO.
NOBODY GOT HURT.
I TOOK CARE OF EVERYTHING.
THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW IT WAS US.
WHY? WHY WOULD YOU DO
SOMETHING LIKE THIS?
BECAUSE!
BECAUSE LIFE IS NOT FAIR!
BECAUSE WE BARELY GET BY
AS IT IS,
AND THEN THEY GOT TO GO
FIRE ME
FOR SOMETHING THAT WASN' EVEN MY FAULT!
BABY, I'M TIRED
OF NOT BEING ABLE
TO GIVE YOU THINGS
YOU DESERVE.
I'M TIRED
OF BEING A NOBODY.
ALL I NEED FROM YOU
IS LOVE, RESPECT, AND TRUTH.
YOU'RE NOT A NOBODY
BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.
YOU HAVE A BRILLIANT MIND,
ANTOINE.
YOU JUST DON'T APPLY I TO THE RIGHT THINGS.
I JUST WANTED TO FEEL
SUCCESSFUL FOR ONCE.
WELL, ROBBING A BANK
IS NOT THE ANSWER!
EVEN IF YOU GET IT RIGHT,
YOU'RE STILL WRONG!
HEY, AFTER THIS,
CAN WE GO GET SOME TACOS?
YOU THINK ANTOINE
WOULD BE OKAY WITH THAT?
RICARDO, SHUT UP, MAN!
IS THIS THE FIRST TIME
YOU'VE DONE SOMETHING LIKE THIS?
AND YOU THINK
YOU KNOW SOMEBODY.
WHERE YOU GOING?
I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.
SO YOU JUST GONNA LEAVE?
WHOA, WHERE YOU GOING?
BABY, DON'T GO.
J! BABY,
WE CAN FIX THIS.
[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]
JA--
[ TIRES SCREECH ]
MR. REESE SYKES
TO SEE YOU, SIR.
YOUR REPUTATION
PRECEDES YOU.
HOW MAY I BE OF SERVICE?
I'VE HEARD THAT YOU'RE A MAN
WHO'S VERY SKILLED
AT RETRIEVING VALUABLE ITEMS
USING BRUTE FORCE.
AM I MISTAKEN?
I ONCE CUT OFF A MAN'S ANUS
AND MADE HIM FUCK IT.
[ AIR WHOOSHES ]
VERY GOOD!
YOU'RE HIRED.
NOW, I'D LIKE YOU
TO GET YOUR HANDS
ON A CERTAIN PHALLUS.
I DON'T DO
THAT KIND OF WORK.
NO, NO.
THE "CAESAR'S PHALLUS."
MM.
PERHAPS YOU'VE HEARD OF...
FEARLESS FREDDY?
OF COURSE.
YES, WELL,
I HIRED MR. FREDDY
TO DELIVER
THE PHALLUS TO ME,
BUT IT SEEMS
HE'S GONE AWOL WITH IT,
NO DOUB TO SELL IT HIMSELF!
AND WHEN I FIND HIM?
IN THE MIDDLE EAST,
THEY CUT OFF
THE HANDS OF THIEVES.
SO, USE YOUR IMAGINATION.
IT'S AN INTERESTING ITEM,
MR. RUSSO.
A JEWEL-ENCRUSTED PHALLUS.
I'M A COLLECTOR
OF EROTIC ART.
I OWN CLEOPATRA'S
CLITORIS...
...AND HERCULES'
TESTICLES.
I'LL BE IN TOUCH.
[ GRUNTS ]
DINNER IS SERVED!
HA HA!
[ SOBS ]
Newscaster: THE THIEVES EMPLOYED
CANISTERS OF NITROUS OXIDE
TO INDUCE MASS HYSTERIA
AMONG THOSE INSIDE.
HOWEVER, THE ASSAILANTS
ONLY MANAGED TO WALK AWAY
WITH STACKS OF SMALL BILLS
FITTED WITH DYE PACKS.
AND IN OTHER NEWS,
THE NOTORIOUS CAT BURGLAR
KNOWN AS FEARLESS FREDDY
HAS STRUCK AGAIN.
AN EXTRAVAGANT JEWELED STATUE
KNOWN AS "CAESAR'S PHALLUS"
AND WORTH UPWARDS
OF $12 MILLION WAS TAKEN...
DAMN, MAN, I AM SICK AND TIRED
OF THIS FEARLESS FREDDY!
WE HELD UP A BANK TODAY,
AND WE STILL GET SHAFTED
BY THIS GUY, MAN!
THEY'RE LAUGHING AT US!
ANTOINE,
YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN.
MAN, DON'T TELL ME
TO CALM DOWN!
THINGS MIGHT HAVE GONE
ALL RIGHT TODAY
IF SOMEBODY HADN'T GRABBED
ALL THOSE DYE PACKS!
YO, DON'T PUT THIS
ALL ON ME, OKAY?
I AIN'T THE ONE
WHO SWIPED LAUGHING GAS
AND TURNED THAT PLACE
INTO A MONKEY HOUSE!
GUYS, COME ON --
RICARDO, SHUT UP!
WHAT KIND OF IDIOT BRINGS
PANTIES TO A BANK ROBBERY?
YOU'VE GOT TO BE
THE WORST THIEF EVER.
YOU'RE USELESS!
ANTOINE, CHILL OU ON HIM, BRO.
YOU AIN'T GOT TO BE
BRINGING
ALL THAT HOSTILITY
IN HERE, MAN.
WHO YOU THINK
YOU'RE TALKING TO?
I'M TALKING TO YOU.
I ADVISE YOU TO SIT DOWN.
YOU NEED TO WATCH
THAT TONE.
SIT DOWN BEFORE I MAKE YOU
ROLL OVER, BOY.
I'M TELLING YOU, THIS IS
NOT WHAT YOU WANT.
YOU BETTER WATCH THAT TONE.
YOU KNOW I TOOK TAE KWON DO.
AND THEN YOU SPRAINED
YOUR ANKLE
WITH YOUR OLD,
UNCOORDINATED ASS.
THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU WANT.
SIT DOWN.
I'LL STILL LAY YOU OUT.
YOU GONNA LAY ME OUT,
WHO?
I'M GONNA GO AHEAD
AND WHUP YOUR ASS FOR FREE
BECAUSE
YOU JUST CAN'T LEARN.
I'M GOING TO WHUP YOUR ASS
FOR FREE WHENEVER YOU'RE READY.
WHENEVER YOU'RE READY,
HUH?
WHAT YOU GOING TO DO?
HUH?
WHENEVER YOU'RE READY.
[ INDISTINCT ARGUING ]
SEE, THAT'S BECAUSE
YOU'RE SCARED.
YOU DON'T WANT THIS.
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
YOU THINKING YOU'RE
A FUCKING NINJA TURTLE?
GUYS.
[ ARGUING CONTINUES ]
GUYS!
WHAT?!
WHAT?!
OH!
THAT'S...
A DIAMOND DICK.
IT'S GOT RUBY BALLS,
MAN!
TWO BIG RUBY BALLS,
BIGGER THAN YOURS, ANTOINE.
I SAW YOURS WHEN YOU GOT OU OF THE SHOWER, IT WAS GROSS.
IT'S THE THING THEY WERE TALKING
ABOUT ON THE NEWS, MAN.
THAT LITTLE --
THE WIENER WITH THE --
THAT'S IT!
THAT'S IT!
WHOA, WHOA,
IF FEARLESS FREDDY TOOK IT,
THEN HOW DID I END UP AT THE BANK?
MNH-MNH. DON'T WORRY
ABOUT THAT, BROTHER.
WE GOT THIS.
WE GOT THIS FREAKY-ASS DILDO
WITH ALL THIS BLING, SON!
AIN'T NO TELLING HOW MUCH
WE CAN MAKE OFF OF IT.
AIN'T NONE!
SKY'S THE LIMIT!
WHAT ARE WE GONNA
DO WITH IT?
OKAY,
HE'S GOT A GOOD POINT.
WE GOT TO FIGURE OU THE BEST WAY TO UNLOAD THIS.
I GOT AN IDEA.
NOW, YOU KNOW
THIS MILLION-DOLLAR DILDO
EVERYBODY'S LOOKING FOR?
WE GOT IT.
AND WE'RE LOOKING
TO CASH IN.
SO, CAN YOU HELP US
OR NOT?
I THINK SOMETHING
CAN BE ARRANGED.
WHAT'S YOUR ADDRESS?
ALL RIGHT,
8212 AVALANCHE WAY.
YOU DID GOOD, ANTOINE.
THIS COULD BE
A BEAUTIFUL BEGINNING.
WE ABOUT TO GET PAID!
WHOO!
WHOO!
WE GONNA GET PAID!
WE GONNA GET PAID!
WE GONNA GET PAID!
WE GONNA GET PAID!
I TOLD YOU WE GOT THIS.
WE GONNA GET PAID!
WE GONNA --
[ THUD ]
AAH!
MAN, I HATE
THIS WAITING, MAN.
WHEN IS THIS GUY GONNA
GO AHEAD AND MAKE A MOVE?
PACINO WEE.
ALBA TIBE.
YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT, MAN.
WHAT DID YOU THINK
ABOUT THE BANK HEIST?
AH, CAPA DOB.
NOW, WE BOTH KNOW
RUSSO IS CROOKED.
MM-HMM.
BUT...I DON'T THINK RUSSO
HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS.
I FEEL LIKE IT WAS
LIKE A BANK MANAGER
OR A DISGRUNTLED EX-EMPLOYEE
OR SOMETHING.
WE GOT ANYBODY
ON THAT LIST?
WHOA, WHOA.
HOLD ON, I SEE THEM COMING.
THEY GOT THE STUFF!
HELLO. I'VE GOT TWO NUMBER 1s
AND A LARGE TEA.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
YOU'RE KIND OF CUTE
A LITTLE BIT.
AND A SMALL
VANILLA CUSTARD.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM, MAN?
SPRINGLE, MAN.
[ SCOFFS ]
YOU KNOW,
EXCUSE MY FRIEND,
BUT HE SAID HE WANTED
SPRINKLES, BITCH.
I'M SORRY.
WE DON'T HAVE SPRINKLES.
WHAT THE HELL?
YOU AIN' GOT NO SPRINKLES?
[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]
WHAT TYPE
OF TOPPINGS YOU HAVE?
WE'VE GOT CHOCOLATE,
CARAMEL, BANANA.
HOLLA.
Y'ALL GOT PLAIN-ASS
VANILLA ICE CREAM.
YAH. KAY.
CAN I GET ALL THA ON HERE?
KAY. WEDON.
IT'S A GOOD THING THAT YOU
LANDED IN THOSE SHRUBS.
SAY, CHRIS...
A-ABOUT EARLIER.
OH, DON'T -- DON'T EVEN
WORRY ABOUT IT, MAN.
ME TOO, BROTHER.
I'M TELLING YOU,
THE THREE OF US,
EVERY STEP OF THE WAY,
WE GONNA GET PAID.
YEAH,
BUT FIRST THINGS FIRST.
WE GOT TO GE THIS DYE OFF.
HEY.
HEY, I THINK I KNOW
SOMEBODY WHO COULD HELP.
MAN,
IT'S COLD IN HERE.
MAN, WHY DO WE HAVE TO
BE IN OUR UNDERWEAR, MAN?
RICARDO,
WHY ARE YOU NAKED?
I FORGOT TO PUT ON
UNDERWEAR TODAY.
THAT'S NASTY!
MY PEE-PEE'S PUSHING
THROUGH THA LITTLE WHEEL HOLE.
HERE, PUT IN YOUR HANDS.
WHAT'S THIS?
ANCIENT REMEDY
FOR REMOVE TATTOO.
WHA-- WHAT'S IN IT?
THREE INGREDIENT.
FIRST IS A RARE
MAGNOLIA FLOWER
FROM THE EASTERN HILLS
OF INDIA.
SECOND, MOST IMPORTANT,
IS GOAT PEE-PEE.
DID HE JUST SAY
GOAT PEE-PEE?
Antoine: WHOA,
WHAT'S THE THIRD INGREDIENT?
BLEACH.
BLEACH?
WHAT YOU WANT TO DO?
YOU WANT TO GET...
BABY, I CAN FEEL IT...
AAAH!
MY RETINA IS FALLING OUT!
[ INDISTINCT SINGING ]
...TONIGHT
OKAY.
WHERE IS IT?
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
[ BELL JINGLES ]
JADE, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?
I WAS JUST --
WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
IT'S AN INDIAN DRESS.
OH.
YEAH...
DID YOU HEAR
ABOUT THE BANK ROBBERY?
YEAH.
I WAS THERE...
...BUT I DON'T REMEMBER
ANYTHING. [ CHUCKLES ]
OH.
NO, IT WAS CRAZY.
THAT'S CRAZY.
YEAH, IT WAS CRAZY.
CRAZY.
UM...
IT'S WEIRD, THOUGH,
BECAUSE...
YOU'VE BEEN ON MY MIND
ALL DAY.
SO, UH, I DON'T KNOW...
REALLY?
YEAH.
I JUST THOUGHT I'D COME BY
AND SAY HI.
SO...
SO, HI.
HEY.
Antoine:
WHERE'S MY SODA?!
OH, UH, YOU KNOW,
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHA I'M DOING HERE. I'M SORRY.
I'M JUST GONNA GO.
GONNA GO.
NO.
I'M GONNA GET GOING.
OKAY.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT, BYE.
ALL RIGHT. BYE.
IDIOT.
WHERE'S MY SODA, BITCH?
WHY YOU GOT TO BE
MESSING MY GAME UP?!
Sykes:
WHERE'S THE PHALLUS?
WHERE IS IT?
[ SIGHS ]
OH. UH...
[ LAUGHS ]
BA-DA-BLING!
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?
YOU KNOW WHAT?
[ CHUCKLES ]
I'M ABOU TO WHUP YOUR ASS.
WHAT ARE YOU
GOING TO DO?
[ MUFFLED SCREAMING ]
WHAT?
WHAT'D YOU SAY?
HUH? OKAY, OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.
LET'S GO.
[ LAUGHS ]
OH, YEAH!
[ LAUGHS ]
[ TIRES SQUEAL ]
J?
J-JALISSA!
IT'S GONE.
WHAT?
WHAT'S GONE?
THE DIAMOND PEE-PEE,
MAN.
A-ARE YOU TELLING ME
THAT YOU HID I BETWEEN THE COUCH CUSHIONS?
OH, MAN!
ARE -- ARE YOU RETARDED?
HUH?
NO.
JALISSA'S NOT HERE.
MAN, SAY, RELAX.
MAY-- MAYBE SHE'S WORKING LATE,
ALL RIGHT?
HE -- HE HID THE --
HER PURSE IS STILL HERE,
THOUGH.
CALM DOWN.
WHAT, YOU THINK
SOMEBODY SNATCHED HER?
I -- I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW
HOW TO SAY THIS.
WE GOT MORE THAN ONE
PROBLEM, MAN...
[ GROANS ]
JEFFREY!
WE'RE OUT OF PUDDING POPS
AGAIN!
MR. SYKES AND HOSTAGE
TO SEE YOU, SIR.
WHAT'S THIS?
IT'S COLLATERAL.
WHERE'S THE PHALLUS?
LISTEN, USE HER
AS A BARGAINING CHIP.
WE'LL GET YOUR PHALLUS.
THIS ISN' WHAT I SENT YOU FOR.
THIS IS A COMPLICATION.
WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?
AND WHY DO YOU KEEP TALKING
ABOUT PENISES?
BECAUSE YOUR LITTLE FRIENDS
STOLE SOMETHING FROM ME,
AND I WANT IT BACK.
YOUR PENIS?
SIT HER DOWN!
SIT DOWN.
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
WILL YOU BE REQUIRING
ANYTHING ELSE FROM ME,
MR. RUSSO?
OH, I SUPPOSE NOT.
IF YOU WANT SOMETHING
DONE RIGHT,
I GUESS YOU HAVE TO DO I YOURSELF.
JEFFREY HERE WILL PAY YOU
ON YOUR WAY OUT.
NOW, PLEASE, LEAVE ME.
AND AS FOR YOU...
YOU LOOK VERY FAMILIAR
TO ME.
WERE YOU A MAID
ON MY STAFF?
MR. WHISPER.
IT'S GOT TO BE.
[ SIGHS ]
MAN, HE SET US UP, MAN!
THAT GUY'S A JERK, MAN!
I'M GOING TO BUY A GUN...
AND THEN
I'M GOING TO SHOW IT TO HIM.
IS THAT SCARY?
[ TELEPHONE RINGING ]
YEAH, HELLO?
I BELIEVE YOU HAVE SOMETHING
THAT BELONGS TO ME.
NO, I THINK YOU GOT SOMETHING
THAT BELONGS TO ME.
AH, THEN WE HAVE
AN UNDERSTANDING.
WHY DO YOU KEEP
WHISPERING, BITCH?
[ GROANS ]
I WANT CAESAR'S PHALLUS.
I'LL SEND SOMEONE THERE
FOR IT SHORTLY.
HAND IT OVER,
AND I'LL LET THE GIRL GO.
WE DON'T HAVE IT. MY PLACE
IS TORN APART. YOU TOOK IT!
Man, what kind of games
are you playing?
I AM NOT PLAYING,
AND I'M NOT AMUSED!
HAVE THE PHALLUS THERE
WHEN MY MEN ARRIVE!
You don't want to
disappoint me.
LOOK,
LET ME TALK TO MY WIFE.
I WANT TO KNOW SHE'S OKAY,
OR YOU GET NOTHING.
FINE.
TALK.
Antoine?
HEY, BABY.
YOU ALL RIGHT?
YEAH.
LOOK, I KNOW
YOU CAN DO THIS, OKAY?
EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE
ALL RIGHT.
Remember how you always
wanted to be Mr. Fancy-Pants?
[ CHUCKLES SOFTLY ]
NOW'S YOUR CHANCE.
[ GRUNTS ]
LISTEN HERE. I'M GIVING YOU
TWO HOURS, ANTOINE.
OR I'LL BE ADDING YOUR BOO
TO MY COLLECTION PERMANENTLY.
WELL, I THINK THAT WEN RATHER WELL, DON'T YOU?
THAT VOICE...
WHAT?
"FANCY-PANTS."
JALISSA SAID "FANCY-PANTS."
WHAT?
I THINK SHE WAS TRYING
TO TELL ME SOMETHING.
WHAT?
I KNOW WHO'S GOT HER.
WHO?
RUSSO.
HE OWNS THE BANK.
JALISSA AND I MET HIM
AT A CHRISTMAS PARTY LAST YEAR.
THE MONEY BANK?
OKAY, OKAY. SO...
[ SIGHS ]
WHAT ARE WE
GONNA DO?
HE WANTS THE PHALLUS.
BUT WE AIN'T GOT IT, MAN.
NEITHER DOES HE.
MAYBE FEARLESS FREDDY
TOOK IT.
MAN, FEARLESS FREDDY DON'T KNOW
NOTHING ABOUT US, MAN!
SHUT UP.
WE DON'T HAVE
WHAT HE WANTS.
JALISSA KNOWS WHO HE IS. SO HE'S
JUST NOT GOING TO LET HER GO.
AND WE CAN'T CALL THE COPS.
RIGHT.
WE GOT TO BREAK IN
AND GET HER OUT.
I'M DOWN FOR THAT.
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
OKAY.
WE GOING TO NEED PANTYHOSE
FOR THIS?
BECAUSE I AIN'T GOT NONE.
DOES JALISSA HAVE SOME?
[ LAUGHS ]
YES!
WHERE IS IT?
I WANT TO SEE IT!
I WANT TO FEEL IT!
I WANT TO TOUCH IT!
WHERE'S THE PHALLUS?
WHERE...
SOMEBODY STOLE MY COCK!
RUSSO.
THAT CRAFTY PIECE OF DICK.
[ HUMMING ]
HONEY...
OH! WHOA!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?
DON'T LOOK AT ME!
THE WATER IS SLIGHTLY COLD.
WHY IS THERE A WOMAN TIED UP
IN YOUR STUDY?
WHAT WOMAN?
THAT WOMAN.
OH, UM, THAT.
UM, DARLING, THAT'S
REALLY NONE OF YOUR CONCERN.
UM, NOW, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST GO BACK TO YOUR ROOM,
TAKE A HANDFUL OF VALIUM,
AND I'LL WAKE YOU UP
ON TUESDAY, HMM?
[ SCOFFS ]
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
CLOSE THE DOOR!
THIS IS WHAT WE DO...
WE MAKE OUR WAY OUT TO RUSSO'S
AND PARK DOWN THE STREET.
THERE'S A GUARD THAT OPERATES
24/7 OUTSIDE RUSSO'S.
RICARDO, TAKE HIM OUT.
[ GRUNTING ]
ONCE HE'S OUT, OPEN THE GATE.
I'LL BE DOWN THE STREET.
I'LL KNOCK OUT THE GENERATOR,
WHICH WILL TAKE OUT THE LIGHTS
AND THE ALARM.
CHRIS, READY?
IF HE HAS A BACKUP GENERATOR,
WE SHOULD AT LEAST HAVE
45 SECONDS BEFORE IT KICKS IN.
[ SCREAMS ]
THE SECURITY COMPANY
IS GOING TO CALL RUSSO
AND MAKE SURE
EVERYTHING IS OKAY
AND THEN HAVE HIM VERIFY
WITH A PASSWORD.
YES, HELLO?
WE CALL HIM FIRST.
YES, HELLO.
THIS IS JENKINS SECURITY.
DO YOU HAVE AN EMERGENCY?
NO, I BELIEVE
IT'S JUST A POWER OUTAGE.
MAY I PLEASE HAVE
YOUR PASSWORD?
YES.
IT'S THE RUSSONATOR.
WE INTERCEPT THE CALL
FROM THE SECURITY COMPANY.
HEY! HOW'S IT GOING?
YES,
THIS IS MR. RUSSO.
WE'VE GOT TO MAKE I INTO THE HOUSE
BEFORE THE LIGHTS AND CAMERAS
COME BACK ON.
ONCE WE'RE INSIDE...
FIND JALISSA.
AFTER THAT, GET THE HELL OUT,
GET BACK TO THE VAN.
ALL RIGHT, FELLAS.
THIS IS IT.
[ FOOTSTEPS ]
[ PANTING ]
ALL RIGHT, EVERYTHING'S
GONE TO PLAN SO FAR.
AFTER THIS,
IT'S RADIO SILENCE.
HEY, IF ANYTHING
HAPPENS...
I LOVE Y'ALL.
AH.
[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
AH, MR. SYKES.
I FORGOT MY BRIEFCASE.
I WILL TAKE YOU TO IT.
OWW! OUCH!
WHY DID YOU DO THAT?
I'M CERTAINLY CONCUSSED!
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING
WHEN YOU --
[ DOOR HINGES CREAKING ]
[ THUMP! ]
[ GASPS ]
OH, HONEY, IS THAT YOU?
[ CHUCKLES SOFTLY ]
YES.
I HATE IT WHEN WE FIGHT,
SNOOKUMS.
COME LIE WITH ME!
OH, YOU FEEL
SO STRONG AND FIRM!
OH, SO WE'RE PLAYING WITH TOYS
TONIGHT, HUH?
OH...
OW!
[ GIGGLES ]
OH, SO, YOU WANT TO PLAY
A LITTLE GAME, HUH, BABY?
PLAY A LITTLE GAME
OF PIN THE TAIL ON MY DONKEY!
[ SMACK! ]
[ DOOR OPENS, CLOSES ]
STUPID MR. RUSSO...
Jeffrey: [ GROANING ]
NO, NO, NO, NO.
[ THUMPING ]
OH! [ LAUGHS ]
NO.
YES! YES!
YES!
OHH! UHH!
[ LAUGHS ]
AH! AH! AAH!
Jalissa?
Jalissa?
TITTIES!
OH, SNAP.
[ GUN COCKS ]
LET ME GUESS,
YOU'RE HERE FOR THE GIRL.
U-UH...
I THOUGHT MAYBE ONE OF RUSSO'S
GOONS TOOK THE PHALLUS.
BUT MAYBE IT WAS YOU
ALL ALONG.
YOU MEAN THE WIENER
WITH THE BLING?
YEAH.
WHAT'S THAT?!
[ GRUNTS ]
OHH!
I WILL SHOOT YOU
IN YOUR FACE!
YOU SLAPPED ME...
WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW WHERE IT IS, MAN.
IT'S...
IT'S IN MY POCKET.
RIGHT HERE, JUST TAKE
A LOOK IN MY --
OHH!
BEND OVER.
WHAT'S THAT?
YOU MUST THINK I'M AN IDIOT,
DON'T YOU?
KISS YOUR ANUS GOODBYE!
Y-Y-YOU'RE FEARLESS FREDDY!
YOU TOOK THAT DUDE OU ICE-COLD, MAN!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MAN?
YO, WHY YOU CREEPING,
MAN?
DON'T KILL ME,
I'M A VIRGIN.
[ GROANING ]
BABY...
YOU OKAY?
WHAT?
RUSSO?
YEAH.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
ABOUT TO HANDLE THIS,
BABY.
ARE YOU CRAZY?
LET'S JUST GET OUT OF HERE.
BABY, TRUST ME.
I GOT THIS.
Russo: [ HUMMING ]
[ WATER LAPPING ]
YOU TOOK MY PHALLUS,
NOW YOU BETTER GIVE IT BACK
OR ELSE!
[ High-pitched voice ]
OH, NO,
PLEASE DON'T HURT ME,
MR. RUSSINATOR!
[ Normal voice ] TOO LATE,
TAKE THAT AND THAT AND THAT!
[ LAUGHS EVILLY ]
HOW ABOUT SOME SOAP
IN YOUR EYES?!
[ High-pitched voice ] OOHH!
OH, NO, MR. RUSSO, IT BURNS!
OOHH!
[ Normal voice ]
OF COURSE IT BURNS!
I'LL BURN YOU ALL DAY
AND ALL NIGHT WITH SOAP SUDS
IF I HAVE TO.
I WANT THAT PHALLUS,
DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!
[ GUN COCKS ]
HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!
PUT YOUR HANDS
IN THE AIR.
THAT'S IT.
NOW TURN AROUND.
SLOWLY.
UNH, UNH, UNH, UNH.
SHUT YOUR EYES FIRST.
THAT'S IT.
CLOSED.
THERE WE GO.
VERY GOOD.
OH, I TOLD YOU
DON'T LOOK!
I TOLD YOU
TO KEEP THEM CLOSED!
CLOSE THEM TIGHTER!
SQUEEZE THEM HARDER!
IT'S A SIMPLE COMMAND!
KEEP THEM CLOSED.
ALL RIGHT.
NOW YOU CAN OPEN THEM.
SO...
INSTEAD OF GIVING ME WHAT WAS
MINE IN THE FIRST PLACE,
YOU HAD TO PULL THIS MORONIC
CAPER, DIDN'T YOU?
WELL,
I WANT THAT PHALLUS BACK
OR I'M GOING TO KILL YOU
AND THAT GIRL.
NOW TURN AROUND.
KEEP YOUR HANDS
IN THE AIR.
SLOWLY.
TOO SLOW, PICK IT UP.
THERE WE ARE.
MOVE!
[ BOTH GRUNTING ]
[ FARTS ]
[ SCREAMS ]
OOH!
NO WONDER YOU WANTED
THAT DIAMOND PEE-PEE.
YOU GOT A PINKY-TOE PENIS!
HA HA!
[ GRUNTS ]
BABY, LET'S GO.
OKAY.
Chris:
ARE YOU GUYS OKAY?
BROTHER,
WHERE ARE YOUR PANTS?
OKAY, IT'S A LONG STORY.
I GOT TIME.
LET'S JUST GE OUT OF HERE!
HEY, HEY, WHERE IS RICARDO?
YO, I'M RIGHT HERE.
YOU ALL RIGHT?
I THINK I'M GAY.
IT CAN WAIT.
LET'S ROLL.
YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
Antoine: OH, SHIT.
OH, SO YOU'RE JUS GONNA SHOOT EVERYBODY?
THE THOUGHT DID CROSS
MY MIND, YES.
ALL RIGHT, IT'S COOL,
JUST CHILL OUT.
THE PHALLUS!
GIVE IT TO ME!
WE DON'T HAVE IT.
WELL, WHERE IS IT?
Sykes: THAT'S WHA I'D LIKE TO KNOW.
SYKES,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
THE PHALLUS.
THESE PUNKS
STOLE IT FROM ME.
YOU MEAN YOU HAD IT?
YOU DOUBLE-CROSSING
SON OF A --
DROP THE GUN, OLD MAN!
YOU GUYS SEEM TO HAVE
SOME ISSUES [Laughs]
SO WE'RE JUST GONNA --
HAND OVER THE COCK!
OR I'LL PICK YOU OFF
ONE BY ONE.
STARTING WITH YOU.
YEAH, THERE'S NO ONE HERE
TO SAVE YOU THIS TIME...
It's Fearless Freddy!
IT'S YOU.
WHY, THIS PLACE IS JUS CRAWLING WITH TRAITORS NOW,
ISN'T IT?
WELL, LET'S SEE
HOW FEARLESS YOU ARE
WITH A BULLE IN YOUR HEAD!
NO-O-O-O-O!
ARRIE, ERERODY REE!
WHAT?
Y'ALL HEARD HIM!
RUSSO, PUT THE GUN DOWN!
EVERYBODY'S GOING TO JAIL!
Jade: WAIT!
WAIT A MINUTE, PARTNER.
THEY'RE WITH ME.
WHUDIME DEY WHICHU?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT,
"THEY'RE WITH YOU"?
THEY'VE BEEN...HELPING ME.
WAIT A MINUTE, YOU AIN' CLEARED THIS WITH US.
HOLD ON, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
YOU'RE WITH THEM?
YEAH,
SHE'S BEEN HELPING US
WITH OUR LITTLE STING
OPERATION.
YEAH.
YEAH.
GO AHEAD AND ARREST HIM.
HUH. SABBIT TOE...
YEAH, YOU TOO.
THAT'S RIGHT.
[ SPEAKING GIBBERISH ]
WHY ARE YOU ASS-NAKED?
WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT,
MUSH-MOUTH?
[ LAUGHS ]
DOO BAH HAGGY DOO ROW!
YOUR BALLS IS HANGING OUT.
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
WELL, YOU WON'T MAKE ANY
OF THIS STICK ANYWAY.
GIVE ME THE ITEM.
IT'S GLORIOUS!
WELL, I GUESS THIS CHANGES
OUR RELATIONSHIP.
I'M JUST GLAD
YOU'RE NOT A MAN.
YOU WANT TO GO OUTSIDE?
LET'S GO OUTSIDE...
Russo:
JUST ONE TASTE, ONE TASTE!
I'LL SAVE YOU, MR. RUSSO!
NO!
MR. ROGERS HIT ANYBODY?
RICARDO?
EVERYBODY OKAY?
I'VE BEEN SHOT, MAN.
Chris: NO, MAN.
STAY WITH ME.
IT'S OKAY.
EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE FINE.
I SEE THE LIGHT, MAN.
THAT'S A CHANDELIER.
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
RI-- RICARDO.
RICARDO.
RIC-- RICARDO!
STOP PLAYING.
RICARDO!
STOP PLAYING!
[ BELLS TOLLING ]
Ricardo: [ CRYING ]
HE'S DEAD!
I KNOW, BABY.
[ SOBBING ]
[ SOBBING LOUDLY ]
IT'S OKAY. Shh, shh,
shh, shh, shh, shh.
[ SOBBING CONTINUES ]
Shh, shh.
WE HAVE ANOTHER FUNERAL
COMING IN 15 MINUTES.
OKAY.
GET OUT.
Ricardo:
WHY DO PEOPLE DIE?
NOW, I KNOW
YOU'RE ONLY FIVE WEEKS.
BUT I FIGURED, YOU KNOW,
THE WAY I WORK,
I BETTER
GET STARTED EARLY.
YOU KNOW, MAN UP.
IT'S MY FALL SCHEDULE
OF CLASSES.
I WANT TO FINISH
WHAT I STARTED.
NOW, I KNOW MONEY'S
GONNA BE TIGHT,
BUT...I THINK
WE CAN MAKE IT.
WE'LL THINK OF SOMETHING,
BABY.
[ LAUGHS ]
ALL RIGHT, OKAY.
[ LAUGHS ]
SO THAT'S IT, MAN.
THAT'S IT, RIGHT THERE.
WHAT'S UP, MAN?
WHAT'S UP?
GO AHEAD
AND TELL HIM, MAN!
IT'S MINE, MAN.
WHAT'S YOURS?
THE PAWN SHOP, MAN!
MR. BUKAKI LEFT IT TO ME!
MAN, STOP LYING.
NO, HE'S NOT KIDDING.
IT'S HIS.
DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT RUNNING A BUSINESS?
HELL NO!
THAT'S -- THAT'S GOOD, MAN.
THAT'S REAL GOOD.
I'M HAPPY FOR YOU.
GOT SOME NEW ITEMS IN, MAN.
I THINK YOU GUYS
MIGHT BE INTERESTED.
YEAH?
SURE.
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
OH, MAN, WHERE DID YOU
GET THOSE AT?
OH!
WHERE'D YOU GET THAT FROM?
RICARDO!
I STOLE THEM FROM RUSSO'S
PERVERTED ART COLLECTION, MAN.
YOU ROBBED RUSSO?
THAT'S WHA I'M TALKING ABOUT!
THAT ONE LOOKS LIKE
A LITTLE STRONG MAN
WITH BIG SAPPHIRE BALLS.
AND THAT ONE...
LOOKS LIKE AN EGYPTIAN TACO?
YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT WOMEN, DO YOU?
ANYTHING!
NAH.
BUT I'M LEARNING, MAN.
WENT ON A DATE WITH JADE
LAST NIGHT.
Chris: WORD!
GOT TO HALF-BASE.
WHAT THE HELL IS HALF?
HELL, I DON'T KNOW.
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
YOU DONE GOOD, RICARDO.
LADY-KILLER!
YEAH.
SAY, YOU KNOW WHAT,
WE CAN GET A LOT OF MON--
WHERE THE HELL --
SMALL TIMERS
HEY
COME ON
[ BELL JINGLES ]
I DID NOT DO NOTHING!
AW, HELL NO!
[ SLOW HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ]
[ SLOW HIP-HOP MUSIC
CONTINUES ]
[ SLOW HIP-HOP MUSIC
CONTINUES ]
[ SOFT MUSIC PLAYS ]