Smokey and the Bandit II (1980) Movie Script
You may not know me.
I'm Big Enos Burdette.
This is my son, Little Enos.
Believe me, you put Enos Burdette
in the capitol building in Austin...
Holy... Is that who I think it is?
If that ain't John Coen,
then I'm the Incredible Hulk.
Bomb bay doors open.
Bombs away!
Daddy, this bullshit has got to stop.
"Do you know
"You are my sunshine?"
She asked so sweet and tenderly
I reckon if I spend a few more million,
I'd have this election sewed up.
You better. You only raised $80
at that last benefit dinner.
I delivered the Statler Brothers, didn't I?
Are you ready, Son?
Nobody shit-bombs a Burdette
and gets away with it.
I'll tell you one thing.
When I'm elected governor...
I'm gonna pass a law
that damn fools like that...
can't fly over other people's property.
Let it fly, boy! Let it fly!
Shit!
Enos Burdette, your fat ass will not warm
the governor's chair...
if I have to spend every goddamn dime I got!
Candidates for governor of Texas?
Why don't you boys try something
a little more your size?
If I had my choice,
I'd endorse one of the Dallas cheerleaders...
before I'd back either one of you...
turkeys!
Now, get out of my sight!
What is it?
It's Silisbey, Governor.
Silisbey, I told you before.
I will now tell you again.
Go to Pier 23 in Miami.
Pick up crate number 1444,
and deliver its contents...
to the Republican National Convention
in Dallas in nine days.
No, you fool, nine days! Nine!
That crate is a very special gift from me
to the Grand Old Party.
It'll be your ass if it's not there in time.
Just get me crate number 1444.
- Son, come on. Come on, Son.
- Where we going, Daddy? And why?
We're going to the governor's office,
by way of Miami.
Well, if I can keep it on the ground
when I put that hammer down
Then I'll be Texas bound and flyin'
I've got my 10 in the wind
Let it all hang out again
'Cause how you gonna win
if you ain't tryin'?
Well, we're all back together
and we're burnin' up the road
And that old sheriff's
out there doggin' us again
He thinks he's really got it cookin'
Plans to do a lot of bookin'
Only trouble,
he keeps looking' where we've already been
So if I can keep it on the ground
when I put that hammer down
Then I'll be Texas bound and flyin'
Fred, I know you're nervous...
but if you can hold them burger bits down
for one more lap...
me and you gonna be $20,000 richer!
On to the white flag,
with one lap to go.
Coming down.
Look at that straightaway!
Look at that!
Truck's demolished,
but he's gonna walk away.
Looks like he's all right.
Big Iron coming down to the finish.
The Jimmy General out in front
at the end of 200 miles.
All bunched up and coming down
to the finish line...
your winner will be Cledus Snowman.
Fred, did you ever see a check that big?
I'm gonna use that and get you a face-lift.
Snowman, see you a minute?
Folks, I want you to meet
Big Wart and Little Wart.
You be careful, Snowman.
Us Burdettes don't take kindly...
to a slur on our family name.
I'm sorry. I thought you two was a slur
on your family name.
Snowman, we didn't come here to fight.
He's smarter than he looks, ain't he?
Look, we got us a business proposition.
We gotta find the Bandit.
I figured you was looking for the Bandit.
You know where he is?
That depends on how hard
somebody's looking for him.
- We're looking mighty hard.
- I mean hard, like in hard cash.
$100,000? US?
You want his phone number, MasterCharge
number or the colour of his Jockey shorts?
I mean, I can...
You don't have to take my picture.
I'll go home and sit on your dresser.
Look, time's a-wasting here, Snowman.
You want to breed
or listen to my proposition?
Bring Fred, the truck and anything else
that looks nice down to the pit.
I appreciate you two dropping by
and trashing up my moment of glory.
You want the money or the glory?
I'd like to have them both,
but I got this problem.
Let me guess.
You don't know where the Bandit is?
We got us a winner.
Yeah, my mind went blank.
Let me jiggle your memory bank a little bit.
$200,000?
Well, the clouds are parting a little.
- $200,000. You take it or leave it.
- Would you believe I just got total recall?
Here's the deal. You go down and pick up
this package on a Miami dock...
and deliver it to the governor of Texas.
- The governor of Texas?
- That's right.
Strictly legit.
- And you're Wilt Chamberlain.
- That's right.
Listen, this whole thing is legal.
I'll stake my reputation on that.
His, too.
- That makes me feel a whole lot better.
- There's one thing bothers us.
We heard talk of the Bandit slipping.
"Gone into the shithouse"
is the exact phrase we heard.
May I tell you boys something?
He is in better shape now...
than he's ever been in his life, trust me.
Hey, Bo.
Bo, you all right?
Cledus, you've gotten taller.
Yes, and you've gotten drunker.
This place looks like a shithouse.
- Want to sit down? Sit there.
- Come on, Bo.
What've you got on?
Come on, here.
- Is that you, Cledus?
- Yeah, it's me.
- You dropped my watch.
- I know it. Come here.
Sit down.
- Your timing is just rotten.
- Look.
I'm gonna make us a lot of money.
$200,000. Look.
$200,000.
Big and Little Enos are out there,
and they got $200,000.
I need you to be straight
for three minutes. Can you manage...
That's good enough. Come on.
Come here. $200,000.
But you've got to be straight
for two minutes. That's all I need.
Want a picture of me? Only 50 cents apiece.
- You can have one for nothing.
- Hello.
Fellows. No. Get back in here.
When we get in there,
let me do the talking.
Okay, fellows. Come on in.
Now, he's meditating.
Don't talk to him much.
Don't run off, Bandit. This is a sweet deal.
$200,000 just to bring a package
from Florida to Dallas.
That's what I said: $200,000.
I don't think he's interested.
- What does it take to keep this man erect?
- A different set of figures.
How much more do you want?
Four. $400,000.
You got it. Is it a deal?
I'll check with him.
- Got a deal.
- Okay. Don't get up, Bandit.
I gotta go now,
but I'll see you back in Texas.
- And here's the number of the crate.
- Wait a minute.
He wants to say something else.
Right.
If he doesn't get at least half the money,
he may become very violent.
Give him the money, Little Enos.
I'd like to kick his ass just once.
Come on. Let's go.
He's overdue for
a good butt-kicking.
Look at that.
Do you realize we can start a bank?
That's more money than I've seen
in one time in my life!
You're crying. We got the money.
What are you crying...
I was just thinking about Frog.
I really wish it could've worked for you two.
I'm ready!
Don't hurt the money.
I don't need anybody!
Okay.
You think I ain't ready, son?
You just watch my smoke.
Daddy, come on.
You're gonna be late for my wedding.
Sumbitch.
- Good morning, Sheriff.
- Good morning, nice lady.
You must be mighty proud
of that wonderful son you got.
Let me tell you something.
Junior's nothing but a big mound
of tick turd.
Imagine. Trying to marry that floozy
for a second time.
You know, if Junior is able to
get up in the morning...
tie his shoelaces and take a pee...
- I'm not proud. I'm amazed.
- I declare.
I didn't realize this floozy was the same one
as the last one.
But I do remember all that trouble,
that poor child being abducted...
and taken off by that
handsome devil, Bandit.
Sheriff, is that your radio acting up?
No, that ain't my radio.
It's my hemo-gauge that's beeping.
This hemo-gauge and that exercise...
was invented in a monastery by a couple
of Tibetan monks.
They live in Newark now.
And just lucky enough,
I saw the advertisement in Screw magazine.
So I sent away for it. Cost me $19.95.
That's just wonderful, Sheriff.
I guess that makes it easier for you...
to deal with that business
about your daughter-in-law to be...
running off with that gorgeous,
handsome Bandit.
Daddy?
Come on. You're gonna be late.
Sumbitch.
My dear friends, you have
come together in this church...
so that the Lord
may seal and strengthen your love.
Excuse me.
Hello?
But, sir, this is a wedding.
All right, just a moment.
It's for the bride-to-be.
It's long distance.
Carrie?
It's for you.
Junior, I don't think I should take it
right now.
You gotta take it. It's long distance.
Right.
Hello?
Yes, it is.
Cledus, hi! How are you?
I'm good.
Look, Cledus, I'm a little busy right now.
Who's in trouble?
Oh, him.
Yeah, sure. I remember him.
Help?
Why should I help him?
What good reason?
$50,000? That's a good reason.
Yeah, right. I'll be right there.
Junior, do you love me?
- Sure, Carrie.
- Good.
'Cause maybe then you'll understand
and you'll wait for me.
When I get back, I'll have enough money for
that brand new milking machine you want.
Good! And maybe someday
we can buy a cow.
Right.
Not again.
Now, just where do you think you're going?
The Bandit needs me.
And you better recharge your beeper.
Damn! I thought I was supposed
to go with her.
Well, I said it before...
and I'm gonna say it again.
There ain't no way
that you could come from my loins.
I'm going home
and kick your mama in the butt.
- Okay, where's the rest of it?
- You found them all, massa.
Yeah.
You know what I think
about your big training program?
- J-O-A-K, joke. That's what I think.
- I'm in better shape every day.
If Big Enos could ship that package
of his to Texas behind a team of mules...
it'd beat us at the rate we're going.
Just 'cause I started shaking,
you're falling to pieces.
Shaking? You've got the DTs so bad...
you could thread a sewing machine
with it running.
Thanks. I'll take that.
I don't know why you sent for her.
I don't need her.
You don't need anybody, but she's coming.
Why don't you admit
you're glad she's coming?
You'll need all the help you can get
to get in shape...
to make this run, anyway.
Well, that's about enough.
- How many is that?
- One.
- You did one yesterday.
- I know, and it hurt.
Do you think maybe you could squeeze
two out of your body...
- ...without having a coronary?
- I could try.
She never was that much of a help, anyway.
I just figured out why my album didn't sell.
It was the wrong selection of material:
- The Bandit Sings Cole Porter.
- Listen.
If you think the girl was having a good time,
look at that.
Hell, she had to get in line to see you!
She left me when the going got tough.
Hold it.
I distinctly remember
that when the going got good...
it was Bo's big ego
that busted everything up.
Remember what I told you?
I said, "If you ever lose that girl...
"you're gonna wind up being
a booze-head ex-superstar...
"and every time you come up for air,
you'll have a can of beer in your hand."
- That's ridiculous.
- Yeah?
Would you... Give me the beer!
You're gonna keep drinking
that stuff...
your belly's the size of
a number ten washtub.
You know what? I hope I'm there
when they do the autopsy on your butt...
'cause your kidneys gotta look like
the air cleaner on a KW.
Besides, me and you together couldn't
scrape up six people to be your pallbearers.
That's a long walk to make by your...
Somebody left this up here.
I'm gonna put it back.
Bo, she's here.
- Hi, Frog.
- Hi, Bandit.
- You're shaking.
- I'm cold.
I thought maybe you were nervous
about seeing me again.
I'm cold.
It's been a long time since I've seen you,
six or seven months.
I don't know.
It's more like eight months, four days,
and six and a half hours, but I'm not sure.
After we broke up, where did you go?
- To pieces.
- Yeah?
And then I went to New York.
I started dancing again.
I got this fabulous job in a rock musical.
Is that where you got those clothes?
- What's wrong with these clothes?
- Nothing, if you're in a rock musical.
I wouldn't talk if I were you.
You look like "The Gay Caballero."
- Let's not fight.
- I don't want to fight, either.
Miss Frog, remember me?
Cledus!
You skinny old bone!
My God, the man has no meat
on him whatsoever.
You ever seen a fat racehorse, mama?
- Do you know how glad I am to see--
- Hey.
- What is this?
- Cledus, you didn't tell him?
No. Frog, I forgot.
I was getting all set to marry
Junior again when I got your call.
You didn't waste much time dilly-dallying
around with another bunch of people...
did you, once we broke up?
You were dilly-dallying around
when we were still together.
Hey, kids. Will you just knock it off?
The important thing is
we're back together again, right?
Yeah, he's right.
Let me make myself perfectly clear.
While there is a certain amount of
physical attraction between us...
and even some residual affection,
due to nostalgia...
my one and only reason for being here
is money. M-O-N-E-Y.
So let's get started
whipping your ass into shape.
She still loves me.
Damned if you ain't ready
for the Kentucky Derby, son!
Forty-eight.
We ain't got but four days left.
Forty-nine.
Fifty.
Texas is a long ways.
You're getting pretty good.
I got to quit this soon...
or I'm gonna end up looking like
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
I'm glad we're gonna get out of here.
I'm afraid this luxurious lifestyle
is gonna grow on me.
Slight problem there. I ain't got no wheels.
I'm the only man in the world
that drank up a Trans-Am.
Can you imagine Roy Rogers
selling Trigger for a six-pack?
No.
- Think he's ready, mama?
- I think he's ready.
- You see, we have got a surprise for you.
- What?
- We've got a surprise for you.
- Yes, big surprise.
- If you will just kindly step outside.
- Right outside, here.
We got something we'd like to show you.
Come on.
Son of Trigger.
You shouldn't have done that.
Pretty, ain't it? I didn't do it all by myself.
- Mama helped me a little.
- What did you do?
I traded Junior's car in on it.
- Black is beautiful.
- Expensive, too.
- But worth it.
- Yeah.
Where was that you said we were going?
- Where do you think we need to go?
- Miami.
Ride, country cowboy, ride
The open highway is your range
Ten-four little buckaroo
And happy trails to you
Ride, country cowboy, ride
Now you're the Bandit on the run
Not a bad guy just havin' fun
Still ridin' hard
Beneath those western skies
If there's an ambush up ahead
And you see smokey's lights flashin' red
Remember Trigger and me will be
By your side
So ride, country cowboy, ride
Bet that smokey can't handle
the legendary Bandit...
just driving along at old double nickel.
Maybe he doesn't know
who the legendary Bandit is.
Doubtful.
I'm what you call your "basic famous."
- "Basic famous."
- Bandit!
Hey, Bandit! Hi!
- Gotta be careful of women like that.
- Yeah?
They start off,
they just want your autograph.
Next, they wanna tear your clothes off.
Then they want your body.
- You're kidding?
- No, I wouldn't kid about a thing like that.
You don't joke about
people taking your clothes off.
No. Golly, it must be hard.
- What?
- Being a superstar.
I'll tell you something. Sometimes it's hell.
- Is it?
- Yeah.
I don't know. You feel like a freak.
Probably.
You know, I've been thinking...
and I'd rather just have your autograph.
- As opposed to what?
- Ripping your clothes off.
Why?
I've seen you with your clothes off,
remember?
Of course I remember.
It ain't no big deal.
I swear I'm gonna break the camera,
with my hair in rollers like this.
Hell, it's worth it...
getting your picture took
with a living legend.
- Bo, it's awful hot out here.
- I'll be right with you, honey.
Take your time. I understand completely.
I think I'd like one of those pictures
for myself...
wallet-size, with a glossy finish,
the scalloped edges.
I wanna remember this moment forever.
Hold still. Say "cheese."
- Cheese.
- Thank you.
- Bye, gals.
- Thanks.
I could die right here.
- Bye!
- Bye, Bandit!
- Howdy.
- What do you boys need?
We're here to pick up a crate.
Do you have a crate number 1444?
Got it right here.
Right in between number 1443...
- ...and 1445.
- Good place.
You want to go down to the first building
on the right...
and hook a left.
- First dock on the left.
- Right.
- No, left. You wanna go down here--
- Sir?
That's all right. We'll find it. Thank you.
Okay, that's all right. Hold it, boys.
I can't let you take that crate.
- What do you mean?
- I just checked my records...
and that crate's quarantined
for another three weeks.
Quarantined? You mean,
the crate's got the measles or something?
You gotta be kidding.
Ain't no place in the security business
for kidding.
Just hold on there a minute, chief.
Let me explain something to you.
We have to have that crate in Texas
in three days.
- Hell, I suppose you could take the crate.
- Great.
But it's just that you'll have to leave
what's in it here for three weeks.
As I told you,
it's been quarantined for three weeks.
Bo, would you keep your hands
to yourself?
Hurry up. The sun's coming up.
Creeping around in a warehouse.
We're going to jail, that's where we're going.
- I'm going home.
- Turn the damn light on.
- I ain't got the light.
- I got it.
Give me the light, would you?
- Find the number.
- I can't get--
- Is burglary always this much fun?
- Find the number on the crate.
I'm looking.
There ain't no numbers! Here's a number.
- "1442."
- All right. We're getting close.
Come on.
Wait, here. "1445." We're hot.
- Well, it's gotta be--
- Hey, here it is.
- "1443."
- Give me that.
"1443." "1445."
- You see, 1444 should be right here.
- Bo?
- What?
- Shine the light up there.
"1444."
Oh, shit!
You mind telling me how come they paint
the number of our crate...
up here on the side of the building?
Well, it's a crate acting like a building.
I was afraid you were gonna say that.
You wanna tell me something?
How we gonna get that thing on the truck?
- Have you seen the size of this crate?
- Yeah.
It's gonna take one hell of a forklift.
Tell you right now,
I won't be able to keep up my end.
Enos said it would fit in the truck.
The man's a chronic liar. I'm alone.
- Listen, hold the light.
- Hold the light?
For goodness' sake. It's just a crate.
Shamu!
Let's go check for the bones.
Probably broken every bone
in his body.
Hey, Bo?
Come on. Quite a ride, huh?
She caught me off guard,
or I would've rode her the full ten seconds.
Bo, that was incredible.
You saved my life. It was totally unselfish.
It weren't nothing.
I saw the elephant coming for you...
so I jumped in front of you,
pulled you out of the way--
The elephant hurt her foot.
- Then the elephant what?
- I'm sorry.
- Look. She hurt her foot.
- Who gives a turkey about her foot?
I could've broke my back in there.
Sweetheart.
- You hurt her foot.
- I didn't!
You did.
All it was, was this little splinter
which was stuck in her foot.
Easy, girl.
- Cute couple, aren't they?
- Yeah, they are.
Kind of reminds me of my Aunt Charlotte.
Smells like her, too.
How rude.
Now, Charlotte,
don't you listen to any of that.
Now that you've got a hold of Charlotte--
I don't have a hold of Charlotte.
She's got hold of me.
Whatever. Why don't you both
mosey to the truck...
get on, we'll get out,
and won't get into trouble.
Let go of me, Charlotte.
Thank you.
- Open the door, Cledus.
- Okay. I'd like to see this.
I'm coming, too.
I'm behind the whole troop here.
Bringing up the rear, so to speak.
Move out. Move it out!
Come on, Charlotte.
Come on.
Steady.
Now, let's see here.
You got any ideas?
Well?
Sure. I could just tell Charlotte
to get in the truck.
- Good.
- Do that.
Charlotte, get in the truck.
Go on. Get in your house.
Come on. Get in your house.
Good girl. That's a girl!
How the heck are we ever gonna
get her out of there?
I'm just gonna tell her to turn around.
He's just gonna talk a little elephant there.
Charlotte, turn around. Come on.
Turn around, babe. Come on. Yeah.
I can turn them on, but I can't turn them off.
Hi, Buford.
Hello, you handsome sumbitch.
Hi, Junior.
- Hi, Carrie.
- Shut up, you shit.
You barrel of monkey nuts.
Well, as you can see, Bandit...
I got my piece in my hand.
- You got your what in your hand?
- Don't get funny, Bandit.
If you make one move,
I'm gonna put a hole...
right between those gorgeous brown eyes.
I don't think you're that good a shot.
Are you kidding?
Do you realize that at one time...
I won the marksmanship
championship award...
from "Swollen Groin" Gatsell?
I don't believe you!
Do you see those three lights over there?
Watch this.
That's pretty good shooting.
But I'd really be convinced...
if you could shoot that weathervane
over yonder.
That's a baby-piss shot.
That was good shooting. I gotta admit that.
Of course,
them targets weren't moving. Now...
He's only got two more shots.
Give me the bottles.
- Give me your gun, Junior.
- Just to make you feel at home...
I'm gonna throw up a couple of bottles
of prune juice.
We're running with a crazy man.
You know that?
Are you convinced now?
I'm convinced that you is out of bullets.
Bye-bye!
Give me your gun.
Hang onto your ass, Fred. Here we go again.
Why didn't you have your gun loaded?
When I put bullets in it, Daddy,
it gets too heavy.
Shut your ass!
And that goes for the two monks, too.
Do you see him anywhere?
No, but he'll be along,
just like death and taxes.
He didn't get away from me.
I let him escape.
You see, what I'm doing
is playing with him...
like a cat plays with a mouse.
The mouse jumps this way,
and I grab him with my paw.
The mouse jumps that way,
and I grab him with my paw.
And then finally, I squash his ass!
- You're the Bandit, ain't you?
- Yeah.
You're early, cowboy. This is just a practice.
Game isn't till tomorrow.
We're big fans and wanna get good seats.
You with the Dolphins?
No. I'm with the world champion
Pittsburgh Steelers.
- Bradshaw with you?
- Of course.
Coach doesn't let us go anywhere
without him.
Thanks a lot.
- Hi, Bandit, Frog.
- Hi, Terry.
- I need a favour.
- You always do.
- You still got your ranch in Shreveport?
- You bet.
I don't have to tell you who that is.
Buford T. Justice.
- Could you hold him up for a while?
- Be glad to.
- Hey, Joe!
- Yeah?
Tackle that car.
- Thanks, Terry.
- You owe me, Bandit.
Get out of there, you sumbitch...
...or you gonna have a penalty flag
hanging out of your ass!
Really?
- Hey, Daddy, that's--
- Shut up.
I know how to handle these bubble-butts.
If you don't get out of the way,
I'm gonna run right over you.
That's been tried before.
But your possibility for success
is extremely remote.
He's like all the other jocks:
big, but dumb as a stump.
I knew this would happen
as soon as they started that busing shit!
Snowman, are you back there, son?
My mirrors are empty...
and so is my fuel tank.
If we don't pull over
and get me some go-go juice...
we gonna be in a heap of trouble.
What do you think?
If you're telling me you're out of gas,
we are in deep shit.
Why didn't you fill up?
- See what I see?
- Yes.
My stars, what is that?
I can run over him,
get you an alligator bag.
I don't want one.
- How about a belt?
- No.
- Shoes?
- Nope.
Howdy.
You always this busy?
Hell, yes.
I had three cars and a motor home,
all here at the same time, last April.
- You're kidding?
- Nope.
Of course, that was Easter weekend.
Always picks up around then.
This kind of high-pressure business
will give you ulcers.
This place reminds me of a roadhouse
I knew in Texas, called Hamburger Dan's.
- Ever hear of it?
- Let's cut the shit and get down to business.
- I ain't got all day.
- Yeah.
Got any diesel fuel?
If I had any more diesel fuel,
they'd make me join that OPEC.
I'll let you get back to work now.
- I guess you want me to pump it myself.
- If you want any.
Snowman...
you're not gonna believe this.
You're gonna come up on a sign that says:
"Diesel fuel. Last chance. Turn left. "
Roger. Got my 10 hung out in the wind,
looking for your sign.
By the way, when we get there,
do you mind if we check on our passenger?
I ain't heard anything in a while.
Could be in a lot of trouble.
You grip?
- Damn, she ain't right.
- How's Charlotte?
I don't know anything about elephants,
but something's bothering the old girl.
- I wish we could get a hold of a vet.
- Fat chance of that out here.
Hey, anybody in that crapper?
- How does he know whether she's sick?
- I guess he felt her nose.
I'll tell you what it is.
It's just motion sickness--
What would you do
without Snowman?
Why? What'd you do?
- Remember seeing an ambulance come by?
- Is that what that was?
- Inside that ambulance, Miss Carrie--
- Was a vet.
No, it was a doctor.
But we might get him to look at Charlotte.
- Do you reckon?
- I reckon!
- Howdy.
- Buon giorno.
- You a doctor?
- Not yet, but I'm working on it.
I got my green card. My license pending.
Salute! A la bella donna!
- You're Italian?
- Natio.
My name is Dottore Frederico Carlucci.
But you can call me Doc.
Stay.
Swamp fever.
It's no catching.
In Italy we don't have.
You know what I know about swamp fever?
What's your problem?
You know anything about sick ladies?
Plenty. I was the leading gynaecologist
in Pompeii.
Population, 23.
Well, we have a lady
who we think is very sick.
She's back down here in the truck.
Would you mind looking at her?
Well, I'm...
Appreciate it. I know you're eating.
I was just--
I know.
We really appreciate it, though.
Okay. Let me take a look.
Stay.
- Here we go.
- Get your bag.
Doctor, it's very nice of you
to take time out of your busy lunch.
Listen, when somebody's sick,
you gotta stop eating.
That's the Hypocritical Oath.
Doc, there's something we haven't told you
about this patient.
- She's not the normal-size patient. She's...
- Big.
Big? Big don't make no difference.
I got one customer, Anna Maria Teresa.
We call her Two-Tonne Tessie.
She's built like a brick--
Please!
- Remember the Hypocritic Oath.
- The Hypocritic Oath!
- She's a sweet elephant. Come on.
- Very sweet.
No, please.
Mamma mia! When you say big,
you no fool around.
She's bigger than
Two-Tonne Tessie. I tell the truth.
I was gonna take her temperature,
but I need this.
She's so nice. What a beauty!
- Then you can help her?
- No.
I told the truth. I'm no elephant doctor.
I am the leading gynaecologist in Pompeii.
She got teeth.
I tell...
give her 800 aspirin
and call me in the morning.
Doctor, can't you do something to help her?
No, I really can't.
I wish I could, but I'm working.
I'm in that ambulance!
Wait! Bob!
My goodness, Bob! Wait for me!
You son of a... I'm in a swamp!
Bob!
Listen, Lone Ranger,
can I pop a ride with you guys?
- Sure.
- Thank you so much. You going to Miami?
In a roundabout way.
We're gonna take the scenic route.
The scenic route. Beauty! Okay.
I look on... Charlotte.
Charlotte. Yes.
Show him the living accommodations.
Appreciate it.
I'll get your bag.
If you no give me ride,
I'll be stuck here...
That a girl. In the house, Charlotte.
In the house.
That's it, in the house.
- In the house?
- In the house.
Okay. I gonna go.
Okay. It dark in here.
There's a light switch
over to your right, Doc.
Okay.
Now that we've got the medical staff
on board, let's haul ass.
One of these days,
I'm gonna write a book about you.
Open.
Okay. Good.
Hey, Daddy, look at that big, ugly alligator.
That reminds me.
I gotta call your mama tonight.
You know, Daddy, I like this place.
All the gators and snakes and stuff.
Why don't we move down here?
- Why don't you move down here?
- No, Daddy. I ain't never leaving home.
That's a promise.
Don't you ever threaten your daddy
like that again.
What's that, Daddy?
That must be one of those
new Japanese sports cars.
- Howdy.
- Swamp fever!
Swamp fever!
Swamp Fever?
Damned if I know where it is.
I'm new around here myself.
Help!
If I wasn't in high pursuit,
I'd have that bum and his Sukiyaki bicycle...
in the clink,
for driving on the wrong side of the road.
How about you, Bandit?
Got them ears on, son?
Yeah, Snowman. Come on back.
Look two doors behind you
and tell me what you see.
Damn! That son of a bitch never gives up!
Yes, but if you'd like to see a bit of heaven,
turn around...
'cause Big Bulldog Joe Klecko is driving
that Pete parked right on your backdoor.
Right, Joe?
Hi, Joe!
Howdy, Bandit.
I'll leave this in your hands, Snowman.
We're coming around.
Roger. We'll break for that,
Big Bulldog Joe Klecko.
You got the Bulldog.
Kick it back.
See if you can delay that
County Mountie at your backdoor.
10-4.
It's the Bandit.
Hey, you big piece of turkey dump!
- Get that mess the hell out of there!
- You talking to me?
Yes, I'm talking to you!
I'll see if I can get it in gear.
Wait a minute! Hold it!
Wait a minute!
You do that once again,
and I'm gonna take you apart...
piece by piece.
Badge is crooked, sir.
Much obliged.
Who was that, Daddy?
I don't know,
but the circus must be in town.
Hang on, Junior.
- Daddy, the bridge.
- I can make that easy.
- I tried to tell you, Daddy.
- Shut your ass.
- Now, get out and push.
- Daddy, I...
Get out and push.
Okay, but...
It looks like we've got
a decision to make.
Yeah, it does.
- Heads up, tails down.
- You got it.
This one's for you.
Would you look at that?
They love me in Ole Miss, too.
Hi!
Snowman, you got your ears on?
- Anything happening with Charlotte?
- Negatory.
Ain't much with Charlotte. You don't reckon
the doc got squashed, do you?
- Come on, ring my phone.
- We'll stop here.
Giving Doc a mercy stop every
1,000 miles ain't asking too much, is it?
But we're not gonna make this
a habit.
- You drive crazy!
- Is Charlotte all right?
She's okay, but I need air.
Give me a break.
- Where are we?
- On our way to Texas.
Texas? Is that near Miami?
- Her nose cold.
- It's very close to Miami.
Yes, that's good because
I gotta go to Miami.
You understand? I've got
a lot of patients there. I'm no real doctor.
But I do operations on the side.
A lot of sick people need me.
It would be no good if I leave,
because I got the swamp fever...
a lot of them got a rash,
different things like that.
I tell you the truth, they need me.
They gonna be fine. Don't you worry.
Pardon me. All right, take it easy.
I'll give her a nice examination
soon as she gets her nose out of my crotch.
We'll leave the elephant on the truck.
Give her an examination while we drive.
No, it's no good. No room for the stirrup.
- You don't understand. We're in a big hurry.
- Bo, it's a living creature!
That's right. She'll mean very little
to us if we get to Texas and she's dead.
All right, I'll bring her off.
Excuse me.
Snowman's always had a heart.
Cares about something other than himself.
Well, at least you aren't mad at me.
Come on, sweetheart.
Daddy, I got to pee-pee.
- Swallow it. I'm busy.
- But, Daddy, I got to go.
You're just like your mama.
Your mama can't drive more than two miles
before she's gotta take a squirt.
Hurry up. Give it a fast shake.
Well, what do you think?
She's something else, I tell you.
Okay, I gotta look down
your throat. Open. Say "Ahh."
For goodness' sake.
- What happened?
- My ring! Oh, geez!
I need a tongue depressor about this big.
Daddy?
My zipper's stuck.
Get in the car, Junior.
- But, Daddy, my zipper's stuck.
- Get in the car, Junior!
- Daddy, my fly's still open.
- Let me tell you something, Junior.
If you ever embarrass me like that again...
I'm gonna get an axe...
and you're never gonna have
to open your fly again.
He loves me. He loves himself.
He loves me. He loves himself.
- He loves me.
- Hi.
I brought you a present.
- You're kidding?
- No.
- Is it gonna blow up in my face?
- It's my record.
We only pressed 75 of them, but...
Well, I wanted you to have one.
You probably saw them at the KMart,
you know.
They gave them away to everybody
that bought anything over 25 cents.
- I've still got 74 of them.
- I think it represents you well.
I mean, Frank Sinatra sang My Way...
and you sing
Let's Do Something Cheap and Superficial.
Cruel.
Yeah, I know it.
When I'm around you,
I don't like the way I sound.
Probably the way I used to act
makes you act that way.
That's right.
Oh, God. Sometimes I hate the way
I sound around you.
Maybe it's because of the way
you used to treat me.
Hey, Frog, Bandit! Charlotte's sick.
- Charlotte's sick. Let's go.
- Wait a minute.
Sometimes I think you like that elephant
more than you do me.
Hang on to that thought.
Doctor, what's the matter with Charlotte?
She all right?
I think you're gonna be very happy.
Charlotte's fine...
and I hope the bambino fine, too.
- The what?
- The bambino. Baby!
- Did he say "baby"?
- He just said "baby."
- Why did you say "baby"?
- Because la signora Charlotte is pregnant.
- Gonna have a little baby elephant.
- No, you gonna have a big baby elephant.
- Who did it?
- Don't look at me.
Probably another elephant.
- I know that, but when?
- Long time ago.
- When is she gonna have the baby?
- Any days, any minutes.
Shit! What are we gonna do?
- We better keep our eyes peeled.
- For what?
For the biggest goddamn stork
you ever seen!
Big stork! With the...
- American joke, right?
- That's not funny.
We'll take this elephant in the truck,
and we'll drive to Dallas with her.
- Bo, pooh!
- What?
We're not gonna move Charlotte anywhere.
Honey, you probably don't
realize this.
In Dallas, they have the greatest
elephant doctors. Ain't that right, Cledus?
Why don't we ask this doctor?
What do you think?
You think we should we move Charlotte
or let her rest or what?
The lady gonna have a baby.
She no can be move for 24 hours.
- What?
- Make it 12.
I'll load her up right now. Come on.
We're running out of time.
- Bo.
- What?
What?
God, I've missed you. I've missed you so.
It's a little hard to get reacquainted
going 110 miles an hour.
So what could be wrong
spending the night...
- ...under the stars together?
- Nothing.
- You mean, just you and I, alone?
- Together.
What's going on?
- What's going on?
- Well, I would say that she's in love.
Of course,
the fat ones always did go for Bo.
She's jealous.
Pregnant ladies always act funny.
What am I gonna do?
It's important not to upset her.
She's got to be very calm.
Keep her calm.
Get her nice and calm.
Then later tonight, you and I...
- Later on, I'll...
- Yeah!
Later on, I'll meet you.
Okay? Later on.
Yeah. I'll keep the blankets warm.
Just keep her calm.
Charlotte, look.
This isn't gonna work out because...
physically we're not the right size
for each other.
You know what I mean?
Spend the night in Charlotte's bed
It might get cold in Charlotte's web
A satin rose that's growin' wild
Charlotte holds more secrets than the night
She spins and weaves her magic spell
Her body speaks what words can't tell
I'm the moth she's the flame
In a town that's all too quick
to smear her name
But I'll take the likes of Charlotte
and her kind
Small-town talk don't matter
now that Charlotte's mine
It may be true that other men
have found her vain
But I'm the one who's caught
in Charlotte's web
It may be true that other men
have found her vain
But I'm the one who's caught
in Charlotte's web
Charlotte's web
Charlotte's web
Charlotte's web
Well, Fred...
...looks like somebody up there
must like us, boy.
Hey, Bandit,
I ain't seen a smokey now for hours.
Looks like we got it clean
and green all the way to Louisiana patch.
- What do you think? Come on.
- Knock on wood, son.
You know what I'll do
with my share of the money?
Cute.
I'm gonna get my wife and kids
something they always wanted.
I'm gonna send them on a trip to Hawaii.
Snowman, you're so crazy
about your family?
Are you crazy or something?
I ain't going with them.
Break for the Bandit.
Guess who just snuck around my backdoor
and is knocking on yours?
Hello, Buford.
Hello, you big lollipop.
Guess who's driving right up your
alimentary canal?
Elementary is about as far as you got
in school, isn't it, son?
Tell you what. As long as we're talking
about elementary school...
why don't we play Follow the Leader,
bumble-butt?
Well, I'll follow,
but you certainly ain't my leader.
Come on, fat boy.
- Daddy, I like to play Follow the Leader.
- Shut up, you shit.
I hate to tell you this, but you're going
the wrong way on a one-way street.
Turn left here, Daddy.
Hold it! Wait.
That's easy for you to say.
Straight ahead, Daddy.
We're closed.
Make another right, Daddy.
Oh, boy. A roller coaster.
Turn left right here, Daddy.
- Damn, I love amusement parks.
- You are an amusement park.
Now turn right
and we'll be in the clear.
- A thrill a minute.
- That's about how long it lasts.
That was below the belt.
"Make a left turn, Daddy.
"Make a right turn, Daddy.
We'll be in the clear."
You moose twit.
Bye-bye, baby
Sir, I am the owner of this...
Of this mess, and--
What are you trying to tell me?
I'm in hot pursuit!
I would like to say just one thing.
We're closed.
Get in the car, Junior.
We're surrounded by a mental case.
That's correct, Sheriff Justice.
The Bandit just entered Louisiana.
You're here at a monumental moment.
I'm gonna call my kin for help.
I'm calling my brother Reggie...
and I'm calling my brother Gaylord.
They've been in law enforcement
for over 20 years.
Get me Quebec, Canada, on the phone.
- Canada?
- Yes, up north.
- How much I owe you, my man?
- $24.
You take a personal check?
Just making a joke. $24, huh?
Here you go. $25, keep the change.
- Can I ask you a question?
- Sure.
You wouldn't be the guy they call
the Bandit, would you?
- The one and only.
- Bandit.
Now that you've graced my humble
establishment, I'll take this opportunity...
- ...to tell you something.
- Go right ahead.
If I was making a list of the great assholes
of the 20th century...
you'd be in the top five.
- Hey, wait a minute.
- Bo, even Bambi has enemies. Let's go.
Listen! Let me tell you something.
I'm practically an American folk hero.
Ask some of my fans.
To know me is to love me.
You know, I just made
a correction on my list.
- Yeah?
- You're in the top two assholes.
How about I give you my poster?
Me in the Trans-Am going up
the World Trade Centre.
Buzz off! I'm busy.
God damn it! I'm one of the most
beloved grassroot folk heroes of America.
Hey! Get out of here, you weirdo.
Listen to me. Little kids love me.
Parents love me. Everybody loves me.
Come on out here and love me,
or I'll kick your little skinny ass!
Excuse me. Hi. How are you?
Good to see you.
Get a hold of yourself. You're not exactly
baseball and mom's apple pie.
- The man has a right to his opinion.
- Who does he think he is?
You ought to ask yourself that question.
Have a nice day.
I'm telling you, people love me!
- What's wrong?
- We got a problem. Talk to the doc.
What's the matter, Doc?
She no can go. She gonna start the labour.
- Maybe we need to get her off her feet.
- Exactly. That's the problem.
In there she bounce around.
Too much danger.
She just wants a little attention, that's all.
We'll load her on the truck and get going.
Come on, let's go.
Of course, we load her up on the truck
and let's go.
La signora Charlotte can do
anything she wants.
Put her on the truck. Sure,
take the baby and go bada bing, bada bong.
It don't make no difference to you...
Lone Ranger of the
United States of America.
I tell one thing,
I no gonna be responsible.
What's the matter?
Don't you understand English?
He said you can't be bouncing her around.
She's gonna have a baby.
Don't you understand $400,000?
This is the last chance
we're ever gonna have. $400,000!
I understand, and I'd like to have
my share of the $400,000.
But I ain't gonna kill an elephant to get it.
Bo, it isn't the money, is it?
You want to make this last run
so you can be famous again.
Be the old Bandit, come driving in there
and be everybody's hero?
I know you. You don't want
to hurt this elephant. I know you.
I don't want to hurt the elephant.
I really don't.
It's just maybe my last chance
to be somebody.
Bo, everybody is somebody.
Yeah.
Hey, we were just thinking.
Maybe we have been working too hard,
you reckon?
We'll go into town,
have some wine, women, and song.
A little pasta fagioli.
- This your elephant?
- Yeah. Who's that?
You live around here, kid?
Across the track, on the good side.
- What's your name?
- My name is Anthony T. Townes.
My name is Bandit Darville.
- I guess you've heard of me, huh?
- Nope.
Well, I'm kind of famous.
- Rich?
- I'm working on it.
How would you like
to watch him for a while?
You won't believe this, but I'm very busy.
- Oh, yeah?
- But I could be persuaded.
Tell me, how much does
the elephant weigh?
The elephant weighs
about four and a half tons.
Could you pay me by the pound?
Cute, isn't he? Cute.
- What kind of music you got here in town?
- Rhythm and blues.
Rhythm and blues? Wow.
- How do you like Country?
- Country sucks.
He hates Country.
Isn't there anybody in town sings Country?
There's this cat, name of Don Williams.
My second favourite singer
in the whole world is Don Williams.
We'll go to town, listen to Don Williams
and be back. You watch this elephant.
If anything happens
to the elephant--
I know. You're gonna feed me to him.
You know, Daddy,
I don't think the Bandit's really bad.
I think the trouble is
he just got in with real bad company.
Bad company?
Let me tell you something, Junior.
When you raid a cathouse,
you take the piano player, too.
Thank you.
Folks, I'd like for you all to know...
that we have an honest-to-goodness
celebrity with us here tonight.
Some folks might hate him...
but I know there's a bunch of us that
really love him.
You all welcome
the world's biggest show-off, the Bandit.
I think I know how you feel
about things, Bandit.
I'd like to dedicate my new song
to both of you all.
Be my love, be my friend
Help me grow, help me bend
Understand, now and then
When I do wrong
It's for you that I try
- What are you doing?
- I was writing a little poem about you.
- Can I see?
- I'll show it to you.
Okay.
High on a hill
standing alone
I'll tell the world everything I've done
Raise my hand, testify
My love is real
The doc said we gotta take
the weight off Charlotte's legs.
So, I figured out if I built this net
and took the weight off her legs...
that we could just tool on
down the road to Dallas.
Fine.
So be my love, be my friend
Help me grow, help me bend
Hey.
- Where you going?
- New York.
- Why?
- Because you're not there.
What's the matter with you?
You punch your friend, yell at the doctor
who looks like the Pillsbury Doughboy...
play hootchy-koo with me, and all the time
you're trying to make this run work.
I'm not trying to figure it out.
I figured out how to make it work.
- And I'm gonna make this run work!
- That is it for you!
You have had it! You're hooked.
You're a fame junkie.
They should give you
intravenous feedings...
of People magazine
and National Enquirer headlines.
And if you're a real good boy,
they'll give you a Tonight Show enema.
What is the matter?
If you weren't so dumb,
they'd put you on Cross-Wits.
What is the matter with you?
You know what?
When I first met you,
I think you really liked yourself.
I liked you.
And you did what you did best.
- What, show off?
- Yeah. You did it so good, you got famous.
Then you had to do more and more until
you were doing what you didn't do best.
And now I don't think
you even have any fun.
I'm not having any fun right now.
Neither am I.
I hope you like yourself someday.
Good-bye.
You know, Charlotte...
I don't wanna see you get hurt.
I don't wanna see you start drinking either.
It's not a good thing to do.
I'm weak. I admit it.
I'm a weak person. I need other people.
Don't turn your back on me.
I need you.
I need somebody to care about me.
Not that much.
Look, I came up with this thing.
You think this was a good idea?
Look. I got your legs up
off the floor and everything.
- What do you say, guys?
- Bo, you're drunk.
- Is it gonna work, Doc?
- Yes, Lone Ranger, it'll work.
- Good thinking.
- Thanks, Kemo Sabe.
- Okay, let's get rolling.
- Come on. I help you down.
Okay.
- What about the bottle, Bo?
- What about it?
Daddy, I can't wait to meet Uncle Gaylord
and Uncle Reggie.
Bandit, I hate to upset
your stomach by mentioning this name...
but do you realize it's been
a few miles since we've seen Buford T. ?
I don't miss him.
That's nice.
Where the hell are they?
They should be here by now.
Hello, Buford, you old sugar.
Is that you, Gaylord?
You bet your little bellybutton
it is.
- Did you bring the troops with you?
- I sure did.
Well, that's fine.
Now, where the hell is Reggie?
I think I hear him coming now.
Sergeant Reginald Van Justice
reporting for duty.
Well, ain't that nice?
But have you got the men with you?
They're in position and stand at the ready.
Say, you know something?
This is the first time in 20 years
we've all been together.
- Why don't we all take a picture?
- That's a good idea.
Junior, get the camera
out of the car.
Come on, P.T.
Everybody ready?
- Say cheese, Ramona.
- Let's go.
That's it.
All right, men! Let's mount up and cut out!
Son, if we keep humping
all night, we'll be in Dallas by morning.
We're finally in Texas.
Hey, Bandit, we got you-know-who
on my backdoor one more time.
Say, Bandit, if you make
a left turn on this next dirt road...
then your ass is gonna be grass,
and I'm gonna mow it.
You ought to put some Preparation H
on your lips, Buford...
cause you're talking out of
your you-know-what.
This is the left, Bandit. Now,
are you gonna take that challenge or not?
Come on, fat boy.
Snowman, keep on hoofing it
down the road.
Buford thinks he's suckering me
into something, but it ain't gonna happen.
We're both going out into this desert,
but only one of us is coming back.
You hear that, Buford?
Are you ready, Gaylord?
We are ready with charge akimbo.
Are you ready, Reggie?
We are prepared for combat.
And are you ready, Bandit?
I was born ready, lard ass.
Just take a little look up to your right.
Now, take a little look up
to your left.
Now, take a look behind you.
I'm about to crush your walnuts.
I'm about to get my walnuts outta here.
Let's roll them.
Snowman, I got me some serious
trouble here, son!
And I ain't kidding this time.
I got wall-to-wall County Mounties
and Mountie Mounties.
Maybe a hundred of them.
This may be more than I can handle.
Listen to me, and you listen good.
Make the delivery.
You just hang on. We'll be there in a minute.
Do as I say. Deliver them goddamn goods.
I'll catch up with you later.
You know what you're talking about.
But just in case you don't,
Snowman's gonna be standing by. Roger.
Come on, Trigger! Don't let me down now.
Buford, I hope you got group insurance...
'cause I'm about to spread some iron
all over this goddamn desert.
Don't worry about that.
I got my whole ass in good hands.
King Kong ain't got hands that big.
Snowman, you damn fool!
I told you to haul ass and get outta here!
And I told you that when we set out
to do a job together...
we do it together. Roger.
I don't care about your skinny little ass,
but what about Charlotte?
Don't worry about her.
They got a ringside seat.
Tell me,
how many trucks do you see?
I see one, unless I've been drinking.
Hey, boys! Do it to it!
Then I must be commode-hanging drunk...
'cause I swear I see a ton of trucks.
- Hey, Daddy, what's that?
- Holy shit!
Welcome to the world's
biggest game of chicken, boys.
Shit.
Hang on, boys! The army's coming!
This is the Plowboy.
I got me one lined up!
Excuse me, sir. Your ass is on fire.
Bet you'll be glad to get back to Canada
and stick it in the snow.
Not bad driving
for a couple of Mounties!
Yeah, but look up ahead!
- Seminole, you got your ears on?
- I copy.
I want you to dump that boy
in the garbage.
That's exactly
what I had in mind, Bandit.
- Hey, Roadrunner, you hungry?
- Why do you ask?
Just move towards me.
We'll have us a Mountie sandwich.
Brake for that, short boy!
You're too old to play in the hay!
Now that we've got them,
what will we do with them?
Hell, there's a
parking lot right here!
Three out of four ain't bad.
Where you taking them?
- How about the dump?
- Good thinking.
Junior, the way things look...
I'm beginning to be deeply concerned.
Fred, this one's for you, my boy.
Look out, Junior!
- Are you all right, Junior?
- Yeah.
You would be, you shit.
Way to go! Take it to him, son!
Whoa!
How do you like that, turkey shit?
Snowman, I've had about as much fun as
I can handle for one day.
How about showing me the way outta here?
All right. Roger.
Jump on my tailgate, Bandit.
I know where the front door's located.
Look at that pile of cars, Daddy.
Looks like they bombed a drive-in movie.
He don't know it, but he's going down
a dead-end road, that dumb dickey.
Look, Daddy. Uncle Gaylord
and Uncle Reggie are right behind us.
I got him boxed in like a turtle's pecker.
There's a gully on the right and on the left
and a mountain in front of me.
You want to tell me
about that front door again?
Hey, brother truckers, the Bandit's worried.
He wants to get out of here.
Are you ready? Hello!
Fred, don't look.
He ain't the only daredevil.
You guys give great bridge.
That was beautiful, drivers. I owe you one.
Good numbers to you and the Bandit.
Say roger, Fred.
You're not getting away
from me, Bandit.
And I'm still in hot pursuit.
I copy that, Buford.
But I hear your pursuit ain't that hot.
Give me your handkerchief.
- What?
- Give me your handkerchief.
- What is it?
- A little fly shit.
Daddy, look out!
- Daddy?
- Shut up, Junior. I'm thinking.
What are you thinking about?
Retiring.
Snowman, how's your patient?
She ain't doing too good.
Doc says she's in labour.
Bo, I ain't asking you. I'm begging you.
There's a place here. Let's pull over.
- 10-4.
- Attaboy!
It's one of those guys from the park.
Pay him off. Get him outta here.
Please, get my bag. Hurry up!
Bring my bag!
What the hell's going on here?
- We're having a baby.
- This is a wildlife preserve.
What better place to have a baby elephant
than a wildlife preserve?
- You get your elephant--
- $100.
- You get your people--
- $200.
- And you get the hell out of here.
- $300.
- $400.
- You're right.
What better place to have a baby elephant
than in a wildlife preserve?
What a putz.
Snowflake, Bandito!
Hey, cowboy!
Look, Lone Ranger.
It's a boy! First I seen the trunk.
All right, we've got six hours.
Let's cut the Bambi shit.
Load her on the truck and get going.
No. Lone Ranger, no can be.
The bambino troppo delicate.
It cannot be removed from the mama.
All right, we'll take the mama and the baby.
We'll put them both on the truck
and go to Dallas.
When you give birth
to a 200-pound elephant...
you don't wanna go for a ride.
You wanna go...
- She's strong as an ox.
- She is strong.
She gotta wait till she strong
like an elephant.
Bo, I know how much you need the money.
Who doesn't need the money?
But let's don't do it this way.
It ain't decent.
If you're through preaching, Reverend,
we're moving out.
No, I ain't going.
And you ain't going either.
You just let your alligator mouth overload
your jaybird ass.
Doc, I thought I loved him
too much to do that.
I guess not.
You know I can take your head off,
don't you?
And you know that's exactly
what you're gonna have to do.
What is the matter with you two idiots?
You act like she's human.
I'm sorry.
I like myself now, Carrie.
I found out there's something
more important than me.
I found out there's nothing more
important than us.
I didn't take Charlotte to Dallas.
- You didn't?
- No.
- What about Big Enos?
- Let him get his own date.
- What about the money?
- I blew it.
We still can make it.
- We?
- Give me a chance.
- Have you got over $1?
- Yeah.
- Cash?
- Yeah.
That's enough.
You know what?
We're gonna have a problem.
Charlotte's gonna be awfully jealous.
I want to show you something.
Charlotte had her baby!
You're a wonderful person!
Charlotte! Look what you did!
Hi, guys!
Look at the baby.
Charlotte, what a good girl you are.
Charlotte, is it all right
if Frog and I get hitched?
You see? It's better than
the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval.
Well, Bo, what do we do now?
I think we ought to go back to doing
what I do best, show off.
That's a 10-4, good buddies.
- Shut up and get in the truck.
- Okay.
You're not getting away from me,
Bandit.
I'll chase you in hot pursuit
to the ends of the earth!
You sumbitch!
I guess we'll go back to doing
what I do best, show off.
When do we get started?
- When do we get started?
- That's my line.
- You say, "Whenever you like."
- Whenever you like.
- Keep it rolling. This is good stuff.
- I like this.
I'll tell you what. We're gonna go in town,
we're gonna listen to...
Let's do that again. I'm screwing up.
You keep it rolling.
He's doing great. I'm... Here we go.
You didn't waste any time
dilly-dallying around...
with other people when...
I'm gonna pick that up again.
I got it. It's okay.
Damn, that son of a bitch
never gives up!
That's right. Now what do I say?
- 71, take two.
- 71, take two, camera B!
Oh, my clicker won't work.
Marker.
Tell Gregory Peck that he needs
to do this for me. I forgot the... line.
I'll tell you one thing, though.
I am holding up my endorsement...
until one or the other of you can...
I'm what you call your household legend.
Your basic legend. Your basic famous.
I'll just say that line again.
Get in the truck!
I'll tell her again. Get in the truck!
Charlotte! Hop in the truck.
Hop!
- In the house.
- Don't push the truck.
In the house, Charlotte!
You're pushing the truck to Georgia.
Come on.
That's right, you old fart.
Go the wrong way. This way.
- Here we go. Pick it up.
- Hold it. Steady.
If I was Clint Eastwood,
you'd say, "Pick Clint up."
Doctor, why don't we just keep
driving to Texas...
and you give her an examination
up in the truck?
Oh, Jesus. I'm missing my wife so bad!
Do you wanna...him while
we got him down here?
I was the leading gynaecologist
in Pompeii.
Snowman! I've had about it all's...
You dumb Indian.
Fred, just relax, son.
It ain't nearly as bad as it looks.
Get up in there, you son of a bitch!
Get in there, you silly son of a bitch!
- You got any diesel fuel?
- If I had any more diesel fuel...
I'd have to join that APEC, OPEC.
I'll give it to you again.
Do you realize I won
the marksmanship award?
Your father's ass!
Longer than three months
and your mother's ass.
But shorter than three years.
Sure, put her in the truck.
Bounce the "raby" around.
Don't make no difference.
Put her in the truck.
Bounce the "raby" around...
Your mother's ass.
Sure, la signora Charlotte can do
anything she wants.
Put her in the truck. Bounce the "raby"--
- Your mother's ass.
- Keep it rolling.
This lady gonna have a baby...
and not gonna be moved for 24...
- Cut it.
- I think we should ask this doctor.
Do you think we should move Charlotte
or let her rest or what?
I can't stand it! I'm sorry.
Okay. Come on.
Now.
Well, why don't we ask this doctor here?
Do you think we should move Charlotte
or let her rest or what?
The lady gonna have a baby--
- Cut it.
- All right. Save it.
We'll start doing what I do best.
We'll show off.
- When do we get started?
- Whenever you like.
Is now too soon?
No.
It's all shit. Let's print the first one.
I'm Big Enos Burdette.
This is my son, Little Enos.
Believe me, you put Enos Burdette
in the capitol building in Austin...
Holy... Is that who I think it is?
If that ain't John Coen,
then I'm the Incredible Hulk.
Bomb bay doors open.
Bombs away!
Daddy, this bullshit has got to stop.
"Do you know
"You are my sunshine?"
She asked so sweet and tenderly
I reckon if I spend a few more million,
I'd have this election sewed up.
You better. You only raised $80
at that last benefit dinner.
I delivered the Statler Brothers, didn't I?
Are you ready, Son?
Nobody shit-bombs a Burdette
and gets away with it.
I'll tell you one thing.
When I'm elected governor...
I'm gonna pass a law
that damn fools like that...
can't fly over other people's property.
Let it fly, boy! Let it fly!
Shit!
Enos Burdette, your fat ass will not warm
the governor's chair...
if I have to spend every goddamn dime I got!
Candidates for governor of Texas?
Why don't you boys try something
a little more your size?
If I had my choice,
I'd endorse one of the Dallas cheerleaders...
before I'd back either one of you...
turkeys!
Now, get out of my sight!
What is it?
It's Silisbey, Governor.
Silisbey, I told you before.
I will now tell you again.
Go to Pier 23 in Miami.
Pick up crate number 1444,
and deliver its contents...
to the Republican National Convention
in Dallas in nine days.
No, you fool, nine days! Nine!
That crate is a very special gift from me
to the Grand Old Party.
It'll be your ass if it's not there in time.
Just get me crate number 1444.
- Son, come on. Come on, Son.
- Where we going, Daddy? And why?
We're going to the governor's office,
by way of Miami.
Well, if I can keep it on the ground
when I put that hammer down
Then I'll be Texas bound and flyin'
I've got my 10 in the wind
Let it all hang out again
'Cause how you gonna win
if you ain't tryin'?
Well, we're all back together
and we're burnin' up the road
And that old sheriff's
out there doggin' us again
He thinks he's really got it cookin'
Plans to do a lot of bookin'
Only trouble,
he keeps looking' where we've already been
So if I can keep it on the ground
when I put that hammer down
Then I'll be Texas bound and flyin'
Fred, I know you're nervous...
but if you can hold them burger bits down
for one more lap...
me and you gonna be $20,000 richer!
On to the white flag,
with one lap to go.
Coming down.
Look at that straightaway!
Look at that!
Truck's demolished,
but he's gonna walk away.
Looks like he's all right.
Big Iron coming down to the finish.
The Jimmy General out in front
at the end of 200 miles.
All bunched up and coming down
to the finish line...
your winner will be Cledus Snowman.
Fred, did you ever see a check that big?
I'm gonna use that and get you a face-lift.
Snowman, see you a minute?
Folks, I want you to meet
Big Wart and Little Wart.
You be careful, Snowman.
Us Burdettes don't take kindly...
to a slur on our family name.
I'm sorry. I thought you two was a slur
on your family name.
Snowman, we didn't come here to fight.
He's smarter than he looks, ain't he?
Look, we got us a business proposition.
We gotta find the Bandit.
I figured you was looking for the Bandit.
You know where he is?
That depends on how hard
somebody's looking for him.
- We're looking mighty hard.
- I mean hard, like in hard cash.
$100,000? US?
You want his phone number, MasterCharge
number or the colour of his Jockey shorts?
I mean, I can...
You don't have to take my picture.
I'll go home and sit on your dresser.
Look, time's a-wasting here, Snowman.
You want to breed
or listen to my proposition?
Bring Fred, the truck and anything else
that looks nice down to the pit.
I appreciate you two dropping by
and trashing up my moment of glory.
You want the money or the glory?
I'd like to have them both,
but I got this problem.
Let me guess.
You don't know where the Bandit is?
We got us a winner.
Yeah, my mind went blank.
Let me jiggle your memory bank a little bit.
$200,000?
Well, the clouds are parting a little.
- $200,000. You take it or leave it.
- Would you believe I just got total recall?
Here's the deal. You go down and pick up
this package on a Miami dock...
and deliver it to the governor of Texas.
- The governor of Texas?
- That's right.
Strictly legit.
- And you're Wilt Chamberlain.
- That's right.
Listen, this whole thing is legal.
I'll stake my reputation on that.
His, too.
- That makes me feel a whole lot better.
- There's one thing bothers us.
We heard talk of the Bandit slipping.
"Gone into the shithouse"
is the exact phrase we heard.
May I tell you boys something?
He is in better shape now...
than he's ever been in his life, trust me.
Hey, Bo.
Bo, you all right?
Cledus, you've gotten taller.
Yes, and you've gotten drunker.
This place looks like a shithouse.
- Want to sit down? Sit there.
- Come on, Bo.
What've you got on?
Come on, here.
- Is that you, Cledus?
- Yeah, it's me.
- You dropped my watch.
- I know it. Come here.
Sit down.
- Your timing is just rotten.
- Look.
I'm gonna make us a lot of money.
$200,000. Look.
$200,000.
Big and Little Enos are out there,
and they got $200,000.
I need you to be straight
for three minutes. Can you manage...
That's good enough. Come on.
Come here. $200,000.
But you've got to be straight
for two minutes. That's all I need.
Want a picture of me? Only 50 cents apiece.
- You can have one for nothing.
- Hello.
Fellows. No. Get back in here.
When we get in there,
let me do the talking.
Okay, fellows. Come on in.
Now, he's meditating.
Don't talk to him much.
Don't run off, Bandit. This is a sweet deal.
$200,000 just to bring a package
from Florida to Dallas.
That's what I said: $200,000.
I don't think he's interested.
- What does it take to keep this man erect?
- A different set of figures.
How much more do you want?
Four. $400,000.
You got it. Is it a deal?
I'll check with him.
- Got a deal.
- Okay. Don't get up, Bandit.
I gotta go now,
but I'll see you back in Texas.
- And here's the number of the crate.
- Wait a minute.
He wants to say something else.
Right.
If he doesn't get at least half the money,
he may become very violent.
Give him the money, Little Enos.
I'd like to kick his ass just once.
Come on. Let's go.
He's overdue for
a good butt-kicking.
Look at that.
Do you realize we can start a bank?
That's more money than I've seen
in one time in my life!
You're crying. We got the money.
What are you crying...
I was just thinking about Frog.
I really wish it could've worked for you two.
I'm ready!
Don't hurt the money.
I don't need anybody!
Okay.
You think I ain't ready, son?
You just watch my smoke.
Daddy, come on.
You're gonna be late for my wedding.
Sumbitch.
- Good morning, Sheriff.
- Good morning, nice lady.
You must be mighty proud
of that wonderful son you got.
Let me tell you something.
Junior's nothing but a big mound
of tick turd.
Imagine. Trying to marry that floozy
for a second time.
You know, if Junior is able to
get up in the morning...
tie his shoelaces and take a pee...
- I'm not proud. I'm amazed.
- I declare.
I didn't realize this floozy was the same one
as the last one.
But I do remember all that trouble,
that poor child being abducted...
and taken off by that
handsome devil, Bandit.
Sheriff, is that your radio acting up?
No, that ain't my radio.
It's my hemo-gauge that's beeping.
This hemo-gauge and that exercise...
was invented in a monastery by a couple
of Tibetan monks.
They live in Newark now.
And just lucky enough,
I saw the advertisement in Screw magazine.
So I sent away for it. Cost me $19.95.
That's just wonderful, Sheriff.
I guess that makes it easier for you...
to deal with that business
about your daughter-in-law to be...
running off with that gorgeous,
handsome Bandit.
Daddy?
Come on. You're gonna be late.
Sumbitch.
My dear friends, you have
come together in this church...
so that the Lord
may seal and strengthen your love.
Excuse me.
Hello?
But, sir, this is a wedding.
All right, just a moment.
It's for the bride-to-be.
It's long distance.
Carrie?
It's for you.
Junior, I don't think I should take it
right now.
You gotta take it. It's long distance.
Right.
Hello?
Yes, it is.
Cledus, hi! How are you?
I'm good.
Look, Cledus, I'm a little busy right now.
Who's in trouble?
Oh, him.
Yeah, sure. I remember him.
Help?
Why should I help him?
What good reason?
$50,000? That's a good reason.
Yeah, right. I'll be right there.
Junior, do you love me?
- Sure, Carrie.
- Good.
'Cause maybe then you'll understand
and you'll wait for me.
When I get back, I'll have enough money for
that brand new milking machine you want.
Good! And maybe someday
we can buy a cow.
Right.
Not again.
Now, just where do you think you're going?
The Bandit needs me.
And you better recharge your beeper.
Damn! I thought I was supposed
to go with her.
Well, I said it before...
and I'm gonna say it again.
There ain't no way
that you could come from my loins.
I'm going home
and kick your mama in the butt.
- Okay, where's the rest of it?
- You found them all, massa.
Yeah.
You know what I think
about your big training program?
- J-O-A-K, joke. That's what I think.
- I'm in better shape every day.
If Big Enos could ship that package
of his to Texas behind a team of mules...
it'd beat us at the rate we're going.
Just 'cause I started shaking,
you're falling to pieces.
Shaking? You've got the DTs so bad...
you could thread a sewing machine
with it running.
Thanks. I'll take that.
I don't know why you sent for her.
I don't need her.
You don't need anybody, but she's coming.
Why don't you admit
you're glad she's coming?
You'll need all the help you can get
to get in shape...
to make this run, anyway.
Well, that's about enough.
- How many is that?
- One.
- You did one yesterday.
- I know, and it hurt.
Do you think maybe you could squeeze
two out of your body...
- ...without having a coronary?
- I could try.
She never was that much of a help, anyway.
I just figured out why my album didn't sell.
It was the wrong selection of material:
- The Bandit Sings Cole Porter.
- Listen.
If you think the girl was having a good time,
look at that.
Hell, she had to get in line to see you!
She left me when the going got tough.
Hold it.
I distinctly remember
that when the going got good...
it was Bo's big ego
that busted everything up.
Remember what I told you?
I said, "If you ever lose that girl...
"you're gonna wind up being
a booze-head ex-superstar...
"and every time you come up for air,
you'll have a can of beer in your hand."
- That's ridiculous.
- Yeah?
Would you... Give me the beer!
You're gonna keep drinking
that stuff...
your belly's the size of
a number ten washtub.
You know what? I hope I'm there
when they do the autopsy on your butt...
'cause your kidneys gotta look like
the air cleaner on a KW.
Besides, me and you together couldn't
scrape up six people to be your pallbearers.
That's a long walk to make by your...
Somebody left this up here.
I'm gonna put it back.
Bo, she's here.
- Hi, Frog.
- Hi, Bandit.
- You're shaking.
- I'm cold.
I thought maybe you were nervous
about seeing me again.
I'm cold.
It's been a long time since I've seen you,
six or seven months.
I don't know.
It's more like eight months, four days,
and six and a half hours, but I'm not sure.
After we broke up, where did you go?
- To pieces.
- Yeah?
And then I went to New York.
I started dancing again.
I got this fabulous job in a rock musical.
Is that where you got those clothes?
- What's wrong with these clothes?
- Nothing, if you're in a rock musical.
I wouldn't talk if I were you.
You look like "The Gay Caballero."
- Let's not fight.
- I don't want to fight, either.
Miss Frog, remember me?
Cledus!
You skinny old bone!
My God, the man has no meat
on him whatsoever.
You ever seen a fat racehorse, mama?
- Do you know how glad I am to see--
- Hey.
- What is this?
- Cledus, you didn't tell him?
No. Frog, I forgot.
I was getting all set to marry
Junior again when I got your call.
You didn't waste much time dilly-dallying
around with another bunch of people...
did you, once we broke up?
You were dilly-dallying around
when we were still together.
Hey, kids. Will you just knock it off?
The important thing is
we're back together again, right?
Yeah, he's right.
Let me make myself perfectly clear.
While there is a certain amount of
physical attraction between us...
and even some residual affection,
due to nostalgia...
my one and only reason for being here
is money. M-O-N-E-Y.
So let's get started
whipping your ass into shape.
She still loves me.
Damned if you ain't ready
for the Kentucky Derby, son!
Forty-eight.
We ain't got but four days left.
Forty-nine.
Fifty.
Texas is a long ways.
You're getting pretty good.
I got to quit this soon...
or I'm gonna end up looking like
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
I'm glad we're gonna get out of here.
I'm afraid this luxurious lifestyle
is gonna grow on me.
Slight problem there. I ain't got no wheels.
I'm the only man in the world
that drank up a Trans-Am.
Can you imagine Roy Rogers
selling Trigger for a six-pack?
No.
- Think he's ready, mama?
- I think he's ready.
- You see, we have got a surprise for you.
- What?
- We've got a surprise for you.
- Yes, big surprise.
- If you will just kindly step outside.
- Right outside, here.
We got something we'd like to show you.
Come on.
Son of Trigger.
You shouldn't have done that.
Pretty, ain't it? I didn't do it all by myself.
- Mama helped me a little.
- What did you do?
I traded Junior's car in on it.
- Black is beautiful.
- Expensive, too.
- But worth it.
- Yeah.
Where was that you said we were going?
- Where do you think we need to go?
- Miami.
Ride, country cowboy, ride
The open highway is your range
Ten-four little buckaroo
And happy trails to you
Ride, country cowboy, ride
Now you're the Bandit on the run
Not a bad guy just havin' fun
Still ridin' hard
Beneath those western skies
If there's an ambush up ahead
And you see smokey's lights flashin' red
Remember Trigger and me will be
By your side
So ride, country cowboy, ride
Bet that smokey can't handle
the legendary Bandit...
just driving along at old double nickel.
Maybe he doesn't know
who the legendary Bandit is.
Doubtful.
I'm what you call your "basic famous."
- "Basic famous."
- Bandit!
Hey, Bandit! Hi!
- Gotta be careful of women like that.
- Yeah?
They start off,
they just want your autograph.
Next, they wanna tear your clothes off.
Then they want your body.
- You're kidding?
- No, I wouldn't kid about a thing like that.
You don't joke about
people taking your clothes off.
No. Golly, it must be hard.
- What?
- Being a superstar.
I'll tell you something. Sometimes it's hell.
- Is it?
- Yeah.
I don't know. You feel like a freak.
Probably.
You know, I've been thinking...
and I'd rather just have your autograph.
- As opposed to what?
- Ripping your clothes off.
Why?
I've seen you with your clothes off,
remember?
Of course I remember.
It ain't no big deal.
I swear I'm gonna break the camera,
with my hair in rollers like this.
Hell, it's worth it...
getting your picture took
with a living legend.
- Bo, it's awful hot out here.
- I'll be right with you, honey.
Take your time. I understand completely.
I think I'd like one of those pictures
for myself...
wallet-size, with a glossy finish,
the scalloped edges.
I wanna remember this moment forever.
Hold still. Say "cheese."
- Cheese.
- Thank you.
- Bye, gals.
- Thanks.
I could die right here.
- Bye!
- Bye, Bandit!
- Howdy.
- What do you boys need?
We're here to pick up a crate.
Do you have a crate number 1444?
Got it right here.
Right in between number 1443...
- ...and 1445.
- Good place.
You want to go down to the first building
on the right...
and hook a left.
- First dock on the left.
- Right.
- No, left. You wanna go down here--
- Sir?
That's all right. We'll find it. Thank you.
Okay, that's all right. Hold it, boys.
I can't let you take that crate.
- What do you mean?
- I just checked my records...
and that crate's quarantined
for another three weeks.
Quarantined? You mean,
the crate's got the measles or something?
You gotta be kidding.
Ain't no place in the security business
for kidding.
Just hold on there a minute, chief.
Let me explain something to you.
We have to have that crate in Texas
in three days.
- Hell, I suppose you could take the crate.
- Great.
But it's just that you'll have to leave
what's in it here for three weeks.
As I told you,
it's been quarantined for three weeks.
Bo, would you keep your hands
to yourself?
Hurry up. The sun's coming up.
Creeping around in a warehouse.
We're going to jail, that's where we're going.
- I'm going home.
- Turn the damn light on.
- I ain't got the light.
- I got it.
Give me the light, would you?
- Find the number.
- I can't get--
- Is burglary always this much fun?
- Find the number on the crate.
I'm looking.
There ain't no numbers! Here's a number.
- "1442."
- All right. We're getting close.
Come on.
Wait, here. "1445." We're hot.
- Well, it's gotta be--
- Hey, here it is.
- "1443."
- Give me that.
"1443." "1445."
- You see, 1444 should be right here.
- Bo?
- What?
- Shine the light up there.
"1444."
Oh, shit!
You mind telling me how come they paint
the number of our crate...
up here on the side of the building?
Well, it's a crate acting like a building.
I was afraid you were gonna say that.
You wanna tell me something?
How we gonna get that thing on the truck?
- Have you seen the size of this crate?
- Yeah.
It's gonna take one hell of a forklift.
Tell you right now,
I won't be able to keep up my end.
Enos said it would fit in the truck.
The man's a chronic liar. I'm alone.
- Listen, hold the light.
- Hold the light?
For goodness' sake. It's just a crate.
Shamu!
Let's go check for the bones.
Probably broken every bone
in his body.
Hey, Bo?
Come on. Quite a ride, huh?
She caught me off guard,
or I would've rode her the full ten seconds.
Bo, that was incredible.
You saved my life. It was totally unselfish.
It weren't nothing.
I saw the elephant coming for you...
so I jumped in front of you,
pulled you out of the way--
The elephant hurt her foot.
- Then the elephant what?
- I'm sorry.
- Look. She hurt her foot.
- Who gives a turkey about her foot?
I could've broke my back in there.
Sweetheart.
- You hurt her foot.
- I didn't!
You did.
All it was, was this little splinter
which was stuck in her foot.
Easy, girl.
- Cute couple, aren't they?
- Yeah, they are.
Kind of reminds me of my Aunt Charlotte.
Smells like her, too.
How rude.
Now, Charlotte,
don't you listen to any of that.
Now that you've got a hold of Charlotte--
I don't have a hold of Charlotte.
She's got hold of me.
Whatever. Why don't you both
mosey to the truck...
get on, we'll get out,
and won't get into trouble.
Let go of me, Charlotte.
Thank you.
- Open the door, Cledus.
- Okay. I'd like to see this.
I'm coming, too.
I'm behind the whole troop here.
Bringing up the rear, so to speak.
Move out. Move it out!
Come on, Charlotte.
Come on.
Steady.
Now, let's see here.
You got any ideas?
Well?
Sure. I could just tell Charlotte
to get in the truck.
- Good.
- Do that.
Charlotte, get in the truck.
Go on. Get in your house.
Come on. Get in your house.
Good girl. That's a girl!
How the heck are we ever gonna
get her out of there?
I'm just gonna tell her to turn around.
He's just gonna talk a little elephant there.
Charlotte, turn around. Come on.
Turn around, babe. Come on. Yeah.
I can turn them on, but I can't turn them off.
Hi, Buford.
Hello, you handsome sumbitch.
Hi, Junior.
- Hi, Carrie.
- Shut up, you shit.
You barrel of monkey nuts.
Well, as you can see, Bandit...
I got my piece in my hand.
- You got your what in your hand?
- Don't get funny, Bandit.
If you make one move,
I'm gonna put a hole...
right between those gorgeous brown eyes.
I don't think you're that good a shot.
Are you kidding?
Do you realize that at one time...
I won the marksmanship
championship award...
from "Swollen Groin" Gatsell?
I don't believe you!
Do you see those three lights over there?
Watch this.
That's pretty good shooting.
But I'd really be convinced...
if you could shoot that weathervane
over yonder.
That's a baby-piss shot.
That was good shooting. I gotta admit that.
Of course,
them targets weren't moving. Now...
He's only got two more shots.
Give me the bottles.
- Give me your gun, Junior.
- Just to make you feel at home...
I'm gonna throw up a couple of bottles
of prune juice.
We're running with a crazy man.
You know that?
Are you convinced now?
I'm convinced that you is out of bullets.
Bye-bye!
Give me your gun.
Hang onto your ass, Fred. Here we go again.
Why didn't you have your gun loaded?
When I put bullets in it, Daddy,
it gets too heavy.
Shut your ass!
And that goes for the two monks, too.
Do you see him anywhere?
No, but he'll be along,
just like death and taxes.
He didn't get away from me.
I let him escape.
You see, what I'm doing
is playing with him...
like a cat plays with a mouse.
The mouse jumps this way,
and I grab him with my paw.
The mouse jumps that way,
and I grab him with my paw.
And then finally, I squash his ass!
- You're the Bandit, ain't you?
- Yeah.
You're early, cowboy. This is just a practice.
Game isn't till tomorrow.
We're big fans and wanna get good seats.
You with the Dolphins?
No. I'm with the world champion
Pittsburgh Steelers.
- Bradshaw with you?
- Of course.
Coach doesn't let us go anywhere
without him.
Thanks a lot.
- Hi, Bandit, Frog.
- Hi, Terry.
- I need a favour.
- You always do.
- You still got your ranch in Shreveport?
- You bet.
I don't have to tell you who that is.
Buford T. Justice.
- Could you hold him up for a while?
- Be glad to.
- Hey, Joe!
- Yeah?
Tackle that car.
- Thanks, Terry.
- You owe me, Bandit.
Get out of there, you sumbitch...
...or you gonna have a penalty flag
hanging out of your ass!
Really?
- Hey, Daddy, that's--
- Shut up.
I know how to handle these bubble-butts.
If you don't get out of the way,
I'm gonna run right over you.
That's been tried before.
But your possibility for success
is extremely remote.
He's like all the other jocks:
big, but dumb as a stump.
I knew this would happen
as soon as they started that busing shit!
Snowman, are you back there, son?
My mirrors are empty...
and so is my fuel tank.
If we don't pull over
and get me some go-go juice...
we gonna be in a heap of trouble.
What do you think?
If you're telling me you're out of gas,
we are in deep shit.
Why didn't you fill up?
- See what I see?
- Yes.
My stars, what is that?
I can run over him,
get you an alligator bag.
I don't want one.
- How about a belt?
- No.
- Shoes?
- Nope.
Howdy.
You always this busy?
Hell, yes.
I had three cars and a motor home,
all here at the same time, last April.
- You're kidding?
- Nope.
Of course, that was Easter weekend.
Always picks up around then.
This kind of high-pressure business
will give you ulcers.
This place reminds me of a roadhouse
I knew in Texas, called Hamburger Dan's.
- Ever hear of it?
- Let's cut the shit and get down to business.
- I ain't got all day.
- Yeah.
Got any diesel fuel?
If I had any more diesel fuel,
they'd make me join that OPEC.
I'll let you get back to work now.
- I guess you want me to pump it myself.
- If you want any.
Snowman...
you're not gonna believe this.
You're gonna come up on a sign that says:
"Diesel fuel. Last chance. Turn left. "
Roger. Got my 10 hung out in the wind,
looking for your sign.
By the way, when we get there,
do you mind if we check on our passenger?
I ain't heard anything in a while.
Could be in a lot of trouble.
You grip?
- Damn, she ain't right.
- How's Charlotte?
I don't know anything about elephants,
but something's bothering the old girl.
- I wish we could get a hold of a vet.
- Fat chance of that out here.
Hey, anybody in that crapper?
- How does he know whether she's sick?
- I guess he felt her nose.
I'll tell you what it is.
It's just motion sickness--
What would you do
without Snowman?
Why? What'd you do?
- Remember seeing an ambulance come by?
- Is that what that was?
- Inside that ambulance, Miss Carrie--
- Was a vet.
No, it was a doctor.
But we might get him to look at Charlotte.
- Do you reckon?
- I reckon!
- Howdy.
- Buon giorno.
- You a doctor?
- Not yet, but I'm working on it.
I got my green card. My license pending.
Salute! A la bella donna!
- You're Italian?
- Natio.
My name is Dottore Frederico Carlucci.
But you can call me Doc.
Stay.
Swamp fever.
It's no catching.
In Italy we don't have.
You know what I know about swamp fever?
What's your problem?
You know anything about sick ladies?
Plenty. I was the leading gynaecologist
in Pompeii.
Population, 23.
Well, we have a lady
who we think is very sick.
She's back down here in the truck.
Would you mind looking at her?
Well, I'm...
Appreciate it. I know you're eating.
I was just--
I know.
We really appreciate it, though.
Okay. Let me take a look.
Stay.
- Here we go.
- Get your bag.
Doctor, it's very nice of you
to take time out of your busy lunch.
Listen, when somebody's sick,
you gotta stop eating.
That's the Hypocritical Oath.
Doc, there's something we haven't told you
about this patient.
- She's not the normal-size patient. She's...
- Big.
Big? Big don't make no difference.
I got one customer, Anna Maria Teresa.
We call her Two-Tonne Tessie.
She's built like a brick--
Please!
- Remember the Hypocritic Oath.
- The Hypocritic Oath!
- She's a sweet elephant. Come on.
- Very sweet.
No, please.
Mamma mia! When you say big,
you no fool around.
She's bigger than
Two-Tonne Tessie. I tell the truth.
I was gonna take her temperature,
but I need this.
She's so nice. What a beauty!
- Then you can help her?
- No.
I told the truth. I'm no elephant doctor.
I am the leading gynaecologist in Pompeii.
She got teeth.
I tell...
give her 800 aspirin
and call me in the morning.
Doctor, can't you do something to help her?
No, I really can't.
I wish I could, but I'm working.
I'm in that ambulance!
Wait! Bob!
My goodness, Bob! Wait for me!
You son of a... I'm in a swamp!
Bob!
Listen, Lone Ranger,
can I pop a ride with you guys?
- Sure.
- Thank you so much. You going to Miami?
In a roundabout way.
We're gonna take the scenic route.
The scenic route. Beauty! Okay.
I look on... Charlotte.
Charlotte. Yes.
Show him the living accommodations.
Appreciate it.
I'll get your bag.
If you no give me ride,
I'll be stuck here...
That a girl. In the house, Charlotte.
In the house.
That's it, in the house.
- In the house?
- In the house.
Okay. I gonna go.
Okay. It dark in here.
There's a light switch
over to your right, Doc.
Okay.
Now that we've got the medical staff
on board, let's haul ass.
One of these days,
I'm gonna write a book about you.
Open.
Okay. Good.
Hey, Daddy, look at that big, ugly alligator.
That reminds me.
I gotta call your mama tonight.
You know, Daddy, I like this place.
All the gators and snakes and stuff.
Why don't we move down here?
- Why don't you move down here?
- No, Daddy. I ain't never leaving home.
That's a promise.
Don't you ever threaten your daddy
like that again.
What's that, Daddy?
That must be one of those
new Japanese sports cars.
- Howdy.
- Swamp fever!
Swamp fever!
Swamp Fever?
Damned if I know where it is.
I'm new around here myself.
Help!
If I wasn't in high pursuit,
I'd have that bum and his Sukiyaki bicycle...
in the clink,
for driving on the wrong side of the road.
How about you, Bandit?
Got them ears on, son?
Yeah, Snowman. Come on back.
Look two doors behind you
and tell me what you see.
Damn! That son of a bitch never gives up!
Yes, but if you'd like to see a bit of heaven,
turn around...
'cause Big Bulldog Joe Klecko is driving
that Pete parked right on your backdoor.
Right, Joe?
Hi, Joe!
Howdy, Bandit.
I'll leave this in your hands, Snowman.
We're coming around.
Roger. We'll break for that,
Big Bulldog Joe Klecko.
You got the Bulldog.
Kick it back.
See if you can delay that
County Mountie at your backdoor.
10-4.
It's the Bandit.
Hey, you big piece of turkey dump!
- Get that mess the hell out of there!
- You talking to me?
Yes, I'm talking to you!
I'll see if I can get it in gear.
Wait a minute! Hold it!
Wait a minute!
You do that once again,
and I'm gonna take you apart...
piece by piece.
Badge is crooked, sir.
Much obliged.
Who was that, Daddy?
I don't know,
but the circus must be in town.
Hang on, Junior.
- Daddy, the bridge.
- I can make that easy.
- I tried to tell you, Daddy.
- Shut your ass.
- Now, get out and push.
- Daddy, I...
Get out and push.
Okay, but...
It looks like we've got
a decision to make.
Yeah, it does.
- Heads up, tails down.
- You got it.
This one's for you.
Would you look at that?
They love me in Ole Miss, too.
Hi!
Snowman, you got your ears on?
- Anything happening with Charlotte?
- Negatory.
Ain't much with Charlotte. You don't reckon
the doc got squashed, do you?
- Come on, ring my phone.
- We'll stop here.
Giving Doc a mercy stop every
1,000 miles ain't asking too much, is it?
But we're not gonna make this
a habit.
- You drive crazy!
- Is Charlotte all right?
She's okay, but I need air.
Give me a break.
- Where are we?
- On our way to Texas.
Texas? Is that near Miami?
- Her nose cold.
- It's very close to Miami.
Yes, that's good because
I gotta go to Miami.
You understand? I've got
a lot of patients there. I'm no real doctor.
But I do operations on the side.
A lot of sick people need me.
It would be no good if I leave,
because I got the swamp fever...
a lot of them got a rash,
different things like that.
I tell you the truth, they need me.
They gonna be fine. Don't you worry.
Pardon me. All right, take it easy.
I'll give her a nice examination
soon as she gets her nose out of my crotch.
We'll leave the elephant on the truck.
Give her an examination while we drive.
No, it's no good. No room for the stirrup.
- You don't understand. We're in a big hurry.
- Bo, it's a living creature!
That's right. She'll mean very little
to us if we get to Texas and she's dead.
All right, I'll bring her off.
Excuse me.
Snowman's always had a heart.
Cares about something other than himself.
Well, at least you aren't mad at me.
Come on, sweetheart.
Daddy, I got to pee-pee.
- Swallow it. I'm busy.
- But, Daddy, I got to go.
You're just like your mama.
Your mama can't drive more than two miles
before she's gotta take a squirt.
Hurry up. Give it a fast shake.
Well, what do you think?
She's something else, I tell you.
Okay, I gotta look down
your throat. Open. Say "Ahh."
For goodness' sake.
- What happened?
- My ring! Oh, geez!
I need a tongue depressor about this big.
Daddy?
My zipper's stuck.
Get in the car, Junior.
- But, Daddy, my zipper's stuck.
- Get in the car, Junior!
- Daddy, my fly's still open.
- Let me tell you something, Junior.
If you ever embarrass me like that again...
I'm gonna get an axe...
and you're never gonna have
to open your fly again.
He loves me. He loves himself.
He loves me. He loves himself.
- He loves me.
- Hi.
I brought you a present.
- You're kidding?
- No.
- Is it gonna blow up in my face?
- It's my record.
We only pressed 75 of them, but...
Well, I wanted you to have one.
You probably saw them at the KMart,
you know.
They gave them away to everybody
that bought anything over 25 cents.
- I've still got 74 of them.
- I think it represents you well.
I mean, Frank Sinatra sang My Way...
and you sing
Let's Do Something Cheap and Superficial.
Cruel.
Yeah, I know it.
When I'm around you,
I don't like the way I sound.
Probably the way I used to act
makes you act that way.
That's right.
Oh, God. Sometimes I hate the way
I sound around you.
Maybe it's because of the way
you used to treat me.
Hey, Frog, Bandit! Charlotte's sick.
- Charlotte's sick. Let's go.
- Wait a minute.
Sometimes I think you like that elephant
more than you do me.
Hang on to that thought.
Doctor, what's the matter with Charlotte?
She all right?
I think you're gonna be very happy.
Charlotte's fine...
and I hope the bambino fine, too.
- The what?
- The bambino. Baby!
- Did he say "baby"?
- He just said "baby."
- Why did you say "baby"?
- Because la signora Charlotte is pregnant.
- Gonna have a little baby elephant.
- No, you gonna have a big baby elephant.
- Who did it?
- Don't look at me.
Probably another elephant.
- I know that, but when?
- Long time ago.
- When is she gonna have the baby?
- Any days, any minutes.
Shit! What are we gonna do?
- We better keep our eyes peeled.
- For what?
For the biggest goddamn stork
you ever seen!
Big stork! With the...
- American joke, right?
- That's not funny.
We'll take this elephant in the truck,
and we'll drive to Dallas with her.
- Bo, pooh!
- What?
We're not gonna move Charlotte anywhere.
Honey, you probably don't
realize this.
In Dallas, they have the greatest
elephant doctors. Ain't that right, Cledus?
Why don't we ask this doctor?
What do you think?
You think we should we move Charlotte
or let her rest or what?
The lady gonna have a baby.
She no can be move for 24 hours.
- What?
- Make it 12.
I'll load her up right now. Come on.
We're running out of time.
- Bo.
- What?
What?
God, I've missed you. I've missed you so.
It's a little hard to get reacquainted
going 110 miles an hour.
So what could be wrong
spending the night...
- ...under the stars together?
- Nothing.
- You mean, just you and I, alone?
- Together.
What's going on?
- What's going on?
- Well, I would say that she's in love.
Of course,
the fat ones always did go for Bo.
She's jealous.
Pregnant ladies always act funny.
What am I gonna do?
It's important not to upset her.
She's got to be very calm.
Keep her calm.
Get her nice and calm.
Then later tonight, you and I...
- Later on, I'll...
- Yeah!
Later on, I'll meet you.
Okay? Later on.
Yeah. I'll keep the blankets warm.
Just keep her calm.
Charlotte, look.
This isn't gonna work out because...
physically we're not the right size
for each other.
You know what I mean?
Spend the night in Charlotte's bed
It might get cold in Charlotte's web
A satin rose that's growin' wild
Charlotte holds more secrets than the night
She spins and weaves her magic spell
Her body speaks what words can't tell
I'm the moth she's the flame
In a town that's all too quick
to smear her name
But I'll take the likes of Charlotte
and her kind
Small-town talk don't matter
now that Charlotte's mine
It may be true that other men
have found her vain
But I'm the one who's caught
in Charlotte's web
It may be true that other men
have found her vain
But I'm the one who's caught
in Charlotte's web
Charlotte's web
Charlotte's web
Charlotte's web
Well, Fred...
...looks like somebody up there
must like us, boy.
Hey, Bandit,
I ain't seen a smokey now for hours.
Looks like we got it clean
and green all the way to Louisiana patch.
- What do you think? Come on.
- Knock on wood, son.
You know what I'll do
with my share of the money?
Cute.
I'm gonna get my wife and kids
something they always wanted.
I'm gonna send them on a trip to Hawaii.
Snowman, you're so crazy
about your family?
Are you crazy or something?
I ain't going with them.
Break for the Bandit.
Guess who just snuck around my backdoor
and is knocking on yours?
Hello, Buford.
Hello, you big lollipop.
Guess who's driving right up your
alimentary canal?
Elementary is about as far as you got
in school, isn't it, son?
Tell you what. As long as we're talking
about elementary school...
why don't we play Follow the Leader,
bumble-butt?
Well, I'll follow,
but you certainly ain't my leader.
Come on, fat boy.
- Daddy, I like to play Follow the Leader.
- Shut up, you shit.
I hate to tell you this, but you're going
the wrong way on a one-way street.
Turn left here, Daddy.
Hold it! Wait.
That's easy for you to say.
Straight ahead, Daddy.
We're closed.
Make another right, Daddy.
Oh, boy. A roller coaster.
Turn left right here, Daddy.
- Damn, I love amusement parks.
- You are an amusement park.
Now turn right
and we'll be in the clear.
- A thrill a minute.
- That's about how long it lasts.
That was below the belt.
"Make a left turn, Daddy.
"Make a right turn, Daddy.
We'll be in the clear."
You moose twit.
Bye-bye, baby
Sir, I am the owner of this...
Of this mess, and--
What are you trying to tell me?
I'm in hot pursuit!
I would like to say just one thing.
We're closed.
Get in the car, Junior.
We're surrounded by a mental case.
That's correct, Sheriff Justice.
The Bandit just entered Louisiana.
You're here at a monumental moment.
I'm gonna call my kin for help.
I'm calling my brother Reggie...
and I'm calling my brother Gaylord.
They've been in law enforcement
for over 20 years.
Get me Quebec, Canada, on the phone.
- Canada?
- Yes, up north.
- How much I owe you, my man?
- $24.
You take a personal check?
Just making a joke. $24, huh?
Here you go. $25, keep the change.
- Can I ask you a question?
- Sure.
You wouldn't be the guy they call
the Bandit, would you?
- The one and only.
- Bandit.
Now that you've graced my humble
establishment, I'll take this opportunity...
- ...to tell you something.
- Go right ahead.
If I was making a list of the great assholes
of the 20th century...
you'd be in the top five.
- Hey, wait a minute.
- Bo, even Bambi has enemies. Let's go.
Listen! Let me tell you something.
I'm practically an American folk hero.
Ask some of my fans.
To know me is to love me.
You know, I just made
a correction on my list.
- Yeah?
- You're in the top two assholes.
How about I give you my poster?
Me in the Trans-Am going up
the World Trade Centre.
Buzz off! I'm busy.
God damn it! I'm one of the most
beloved grassroot folk heroes of America.
Hey! Get out of here, you weirdo.
Listen to me. Little kids love me.
Parents love me. Everybody loves me.
Come on out here and love me,
or I'll kick your little skinny ass!
Excuse me. Hi. How are you?
Good to see you.
Get a hold of yourself. You're not exactly
baseball and mom's apple pie.
- The man has a right to his opinion.
- Who does he think he is?
You ought to ask yourself that question.
Have a nice day.
I'm telling you, people love me!
- What's wrong?
- We got a problem. Talk to the doc.
What's the matter, Doc?
She no can go. She gonna start the labour.
- Maybe we need to get her off her feet.
- Exactly. That's the problem.
In there she bounce around.
Too much danger.
She just wants a little attention, that's all.
We'll load her on the truck and get going.
Come on, let's go.
Of course, we load her up on the truck
and let's go.
La signora Charlotte can do
anything she wants.
Put her on the truck. Sure,
take the baby and go bada bing, bada bong.
It don't make no difference to you...
Lone Ranger of the
United States of America.
I tell one thing,
I no gonna be responsible.
What's the matter?
Don't you understand English?
He said you can't be bouncing her around.
She's gonna have a baby.
Don't you understand $400,000?
This is the last chance
we're ever gonna have. $400,000!
I understand, and I'd like to have
my share of the $400,000.
But I ain't gonna kill an elephant to get it.
Bo, it isn't the money, is it?
You want to make this last run
so you can be famous again.
Be the old Bandit, come driving in there
and be everybody's hero?
I know you. You don't want
to hurt this elephant. I know you.
I don't want to hurt the elephant.
I really don't.
It's just maybe my last chance
to be somebody.
Bo, everybody is somebody.
Yeah.
Hey, we were just thinking.
Maybe we have been working too hard,
you reckon?
We'll go into town,
have some wine, women, and song.
A little pasta fagioli.
- This your elephant?
- Yeah. Who's that?
You live around here, kid?
Across the track, on the good side.
- What's your name?
- My name is Anthony T. Townes.
My name is Bandit Darville.
- I guess you've heard of me, huh?
- Nope.
Well, I'm kind of famous.
- Rich?
- I'm working on it.
How would you like
to watch him for a while?
You won't believe this, but I'm very busy.
- Oh, yeah?
- But I could be persuaded.
Tell me, how much does
the elephant weigh?
The elephant weighs
about four and a half tons.
Could you pay me by the pound?
Cute, isn't he? Cute.
- What kind of music you got here in town?
- Rhythm and blues.
Rhythm and blues? Wow.
- How do you like Country?
- Country sucks.
He hates Country.
Isn't there anybody in town sings Country?
There's this cat, name of Don Williams.
My second favourite singer
in the whole world is Don Williams.
We'll go to town, listen to Don Williams
and be back. You watch this elephant.
If anything happens
to the elephant--
I know. You're gonna feed me to him.
You know, Daddy,
I don't think the Bandit's really bad.
I think the trouble is
he just got in with real bad company.
Bad company?
Let me tell you something, Junior.
When you raid a cathouse,
you take the piano player, too.
Thank you.
Folks, I'd like for you all to know...
that we have an honest-to-goodness
celebrity with us here tonight.
Some folks might hate him...
but I know there's a bunch of us that
really love him.
You all welcome
the world's biggest show-off, the Bandit.
I think I know how you feel
about things, Bandit.
I'd like to dedicate my new song
to both of you all.
Be my love, be my friend
Help me grow, help me bend
Understand, now and then
When I do wrong
It's for you that I try
- What are you doing?
- I was writing a little poem about you.
- Can I see?
- I'll show it to you.
Okay.
High on a hill
standing alone
I'll tell the world everything I've done
Raise my hand, testify
My love is real
The doc said we gotta take
the weight off Charlotte's legs.
So, I figured out if I built this net
and took the weight off her legs...
that we could just tool on
down the road to Dallas.
Fine.
So be my love, be my friend
Help me grow, help me bend
Hey.
- Where you going?
- New York.
- Why?
- Because you're not there.
What's the matter with you?
You punch your friend, yell at the doctor
who looks like the Pillsbury Doughboy...
play hootchy-koo with me, and all the time
you're trying to make this run work.
I'm not trying to figure it out.
I figured out how to make it work.
- And I'm gonna make this run work!
- That is it for you!
You have had it! You're hooked.
You're a fame junkie.
They should give you
intravenous feedings...
of People magazine
and National Enquirer headlines.
And if you're a real good boy,
they'll give you a Tonight Show enema.
What is the matter?
If you weren't so dumb,
they'd put you on Cross-Wits.
What is the matter with you?
You know what?
When I first met you,
I think you really liked yourself.
I liked you.
And you did what you did best.
- What, show off?
- Yeah. You did it so good, you got famous.
Then you had to do more and more until
you were doing what you didn't do best.
And now I don't think
you even have any fun.
I'm not having any fun right now.
Neither am I.
I hope you like yourself someday.
Good-bye.
You know, Charlotte...
I don't wanna see you get hurt.
I don't wanna see you start drinking either.
It's not a good thing to do.
I'm weak. I admit it.
I'm a weak person. I need other people.
Don't turn your back on me.
I need you.
I need somebody to care about me.
Not that much.
Look, I came up with this thing.
You think this was a good idea?
Look. I got your legs up
off the floor and everything.
- What do you say, guys?
- Bo, you're drunk.
- Is it gonna work, Doc?
- Yes, Lone Ranger, it'll work.
- Good thinking.
- Thanks, Kemo Sabe.
- Okay, let's get rolling.
- Come on. I help you down.
Okay.
- What about the bottle, Bo?
- What about it?
Daddy, I can't wait to meet Uncle Gaylord
and Uncle Reggie.
Bandit, I hate to upset
your stomach by mentioning this name...
but do you realize it's been
a few miles since we've seen Buford T. ?
I don't miss him.
That's nice.
Where the hell are they?
They should be here by now.
Hello, Buford, you old sugar.
Is that you, Gaylord?
You bet your little bellybutton
it is.
- Did you bring the troops with you?
- I sure did.
Well, that's fine.
Now, where the hell is Reggie?
I think I hear him coming now.
Sergeant Reginald Van Justice
reporting for duty.
Well, ain't that nice?
But have you got the men with you?
They're in position and stand at the ready.
Say, you know something?
This is the first time in 20 years
we've all been together.
- Why don't we all take a picture?
- That's a good idea.
Junior, get the camera
out of the car.
Come on, P.T.
Everybody ready?
- Say cheese, Ramona.
- Let's go.
That's it.
All right, men! Let's mount up and cut out!
Son, if we keep humping
all night, we'll be in Dallas by morning.
We're finally in Texas.
Hey, Bandit, we got you-know-who
on my backdoor one more time.
Say, Bandit, if you make
a left turn on this next dirt road...
then your ass is gonna be grass,
and I'm gonna mow it.
You ought to put some Preparation H
on your lips, Buford...
cause you're talking out of
your you-know-what.
This is the left, Bandit. Now,
are you gonna take that challenge or not?
Come on, fat boy.
Snowman, keep on hoofing it
down the road.
Buford thinks he's suckering me
into something, but it ain't gonna happen.
We're both going out into this desert,
but only one of us is coming back.
You hear that, Buford?
Are you ready, Gaylord?
We are ready with charge akimbo.
Are you ready, Reggie?
We are prepared for combat.
And are you ready, Bandit?
I was born ready, lard ass.
Just take a little look up to your right.
Now, take a little look up
to your left.
Now, take a look behind you.
I'm about to crush your walnuts.
I'm about to get my walnuts outta here.
Let's roll them.
Snowman, I got me some serious
trouble here, son!
And I ain't kidding this time.
I got wall-to-wall County Mounties
and Mountie Mounties.
Maybe a hundred of them.
This may be more than I can handle.
Listen to me, and you listen good.
Make the delivery.
You just hang on. We'll be there in a minute.
Do as I say. Deliver them goddamn goods.
I'll catch up with you later.
You know what you're talking about.
But just in case you don't,
Snowman's gonna be standing by. Roger.
Come on, Trigger! Don't let me down now.
Buford, I hope you got group insurance...
'cause I'm about to spread some iron
all over this goddamn desert.
Don't worry about that.
I got my whole ass in good hands.
King Kong ain't got hands that big.
Snowman, you damn fool!
I told you to haul ass and get outta here!
And I told you that when we set out
to do a job together...
we do it together. Roger.
I don't care about your skinny little ass,
but what about Charlotte?
Don't worry about her.
They got a ringside seat.
Tell me,
how many trucks do you see?
I see one, unless I've been drinking.
Hey, boys! Do it to it!
Then I must be commode-hanging drunk...
'cause I swear I see a ton of trucks.
- Hey, Daddy, what's that?
- Holy shit!
Welcome to the world's
biggest game of chicken, boys.
Shit.
Hang on, boys! The army's coming!
This is the Plowboy.
I got me one lined up!
Excuse me, sir. Your ass is on fire.
Bet you'll be glad to get back to Canada
and stick it in the snow.
Not bad driving
for a couple of Mounties!
Yeah, but look up ahead!
- Seminole, you got your ears on?
- I copy.
I want you to dump that boy
in the garbage.
That's exactly
what I had in mind, Bandit.
- Hey, Roadrunner, you hungry?
- Why do you ask?
Just move towards me.
We'll have us a Mountie sandwich.
Brake for that, short boy!
You're too old to play in the hay!
Now that we've got them,
what will we do with them?
Hell, there's a
parking lot right here!
Three out of four ain't bad.
Where you taking them?
- How about the dump?
- Good thinking.
Junior, the way things look...
I'm beginning to be deeply concerned.
Fred, this one's for you, my boy.
Look out, Junior!
- Are you all right, Junior?
- Yeah.
You would be, you shit.
Way to go! Take it to him, son!
Whoa!
How do you like that, turkey shit?
Snowman, I've had about as much fun as
I can handle for one day.
How about showing me the way outta here?
All right. Roger.
Jump on my tailgate, Bandit.
I know where the front door's located.
Look at that pile of cars, Daddy.
Looks like they bombed a drive-in movie.
He don't know it, but he's going down
a dead-end road, that dumb dickey.
Look, Daddy. Uncle Gaylord
and Uncle Reggie are right behind us.
I got him boxed in like a turtle's pecker.
There's a gully on the right and on the left
and a mountain in front of me.
You want to tell me
about that front door again?
Hey, brother truckers, the Bandit's worried.
He wants to get out of here.
Are you ready? Hello!
Fred, don't look.
He ain't the only daredevil.
You guys give great bridge.
That was beautiful, drivers. I owe you one.
Good numbers to you and the Bandit.
Say roger, Fred.
You're not getting away
from me, Bandit.
And I'm still in hot pursuit.
I copy that, Buford.
But I hear your pursuit ain't that hot.
Give me your handkerchief.
- What?
- Give me your handkerchief.
- What is it?
- A little fly shit.
Daddy, look out!
- Daddy?
- Shut up, Junior. I'm thinking.
What are you thinking about?
Retiring.
Snowman, how's your patient?
She ain't doing too good.
Doc says she's in labour.
Bo, I ain't asking you. I'm begging you.
There's a place here. Let's pull over.
- 10-4.
- Attaboy!
It's one of those guys from the park.
Pay him off. Get him outta here.
Please, get my bag. Hurry up!
Bring my bag!
What the hell's going on here?
- We're having a baby.
- This is a wildlife preserve.
What better place to have a baby elephant
than a wildlife preserve?
- You get your elephant--
- $100.
- You get your people--
- $200.
- And you get the hell out of here.
- $300.
- $400.
- You're right.
What better place to have a baby elephant
than in a wildlife preserve?
What a putz.
Snowflake, Bandito!
Hey, cowboy!
Look, Lone Ranger.
It's a boy! First I seen the trunk.
All right, we've got six hours.
Let's cut the Bambi shit.
Load her on the truck and get going.
No. Lone Ranger, no can be.
The bambino troppo delicate.
It cannot be removed from the mama.
All right, we'll take the mama and the baby.
We'll put them both on the truck
and go to Dallas.
When you give birth
to a 200-pound elephant...
you don't wanna go for a ride.
You wanna go...
- She's strong as an ox.
- She is strong.
She gotta wait till she strong
like an elephant.
Bo, I know how much you need the money.
Who doesn't need the money?
But let's don't do it this way.
It ain't decent.
If you're through preaching, Reverend,
we're moving out.
No, I ain't going.
And you ain't going either.
You just let your alligator mouth overload
your jaybird ass.
Doc, I thought I loved him
too much to do that.
I guess not.
You know I can take your head off,
don't you?
And you know that's exactly
what you're gonna have to do.
What is the matter with you two idiots?
You act like she's human.
I'm sorry.
I like myself now, Carrie.
I found out there's something
more important than me.
I found out there's nothing more
important than us.
I didn't take Charlotte to Dallas.
- You didn't?
- No.
- What about Big Enos?
- Let him get his own date.
- What about the money?
- I blew it.
We still can make it.
- We?
- Give me a chance.
- Have you got over $1?
- Yeah.
- Cash?
- Yeah.
That's enough.
You know what?
We're gonna have a problem.
Charlotte's gonna be awfully jealous.
I want to show you something.
Charlotte had her baby!
You're a wonderful person!
Charlotte! Look what you did!
Hi, guys!
Look at the baby.
Charlotte, what a good girl you are.
Charlotte, is it all right
if Frog and I get hitched?
You see? It's better than
the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval.
Well, Bo, what do we do now?
I think we ought to go back to doing
what I do best, show off.
That's a 10-4, good buddies.
- Shut up and get in the truck.
- Okay.
You're not getting away from me,
Bandit.
I'll chase you in hot pursuit
to the ends of the earth!
You sumbitch!
I guess we'll go back to doing
what I do best, show off.
When do we get started?
- When do we get started?
- That's my line.
- You say, "Whenever you like."
- Whenever you like.
- Keep it rolling. This is good stuff.
- I like this.
I'll tell you what. We're gonna go in town,
we're gonna listen to...
Let's do that again. I'm screwing up.
You keep it rolling.
He's doing great. I'm... Here we go.
You didn't waste any time
dilly-dallying around...
with other people when...
I'm gonna pick that up again.
I got it. It's okay.
Damn, that son of a bitch
never gives up!
That's right. Now what do I say?
- 71, take two.
- 71, take two, camera B!
Oh, my clicker won't work.
Marker.
Tell Gregory Peck that he needs
to do this for me. I forgot the... line.
I'll tell you one thing, though.
I am holding up my endorsement...
until one or the other of you can...
I'm what you call your household legend.
Your basic legend. Your basic famous.
I'll just say that line again.
Get in the truck!
I'll tell her again. Get in the truck!
Charlotte! Hop in the truck.
Hop!
- In the house.
- Don't push the truck.
In the house, Charlotte!
You're pushing the truck to Georgia.
Come on.
That's right, you old fart.
Go the wrong way. This way.
- Here we go. Pick it up.
- Hold it. Steady.
If I was Clint Eastwood,
you'd say, "Pick Clint up."
Doctor, why don't we just keep
driving to Texas...
and you give her an examination
up in the truck?
Oh, Jesus. I'm missing my wife so bad!
Do you wanna...him while
we got him down here?
I was the leading gynaecologist
in Pompeii.
Snowman! I've had about it all's...
You dumb Indian.
Fred, just relax, son.
It ain't nearly as bad as it looks.
Get up in there, you son of a bitch!
Get in there, you silly son of a bitch!
- You got any diesel fuel?
- If I had any more diesel fuel...
I'd have to join that APEC, OPEC.
I'll give it to you again.
Do you realize I won
the marksmanship award?
Your father's ass!
Longer than three months
and your mother's ass.
But shorter than three years.
Sure, put her in the truck.
Bounce the "raby" around.
Don't make no difference.
Put her in the truck.
Bounce the "raby" around...
Your mother's ass.
Sure, la signora Charlotte can do
anything she wants.
Put her in the truck. Bounce the "raby"--
- Your mother's ass.
- Keep it rolling.
This lady gonna have a baby...
and not gonna be moved for 24...
- Cut it.
- I think we should ask this doctor.
Do you think we should move Charlotte
or let her rest or what?
I can't stand it! I'm sorry.
Okay. Come on.
Now.
Well, why don't we ask this doctor here?
Do you think we should move Charlotte
or let her rest or what?
The lady gonna have a baby--
- Cut it.
- All right. Save it.
We'll start doing what I do best.
We'll show off.
- When do we get started?
- Whenever you like.
Is now too soon?
No.
It's all shit. Let's print the first one.