Snatchers (2019) Movie Script
[intense music]
[music continues]
[music continues]
So, meiosis is the process
by which a cell divides
and splits up
the number of chromosomes.
Now, this is different
than mitosis, remember.
They are to form what are called
gametes, alright?
Did this make sense
to everybody?
Alright now, each gamete
contains 50 percent..
We're just gonna
like, wreck your house.
- It's gonna be so rad.
- Who's even coming?
Yeah, is it gonna be like, super
exclusive? What's the deal?
It's a back to school party,
you dumb beezies.
Everyone's coming.
Sara can even bring her
D-and-D BFF for all I care.
They combine to form...
We're not even friends anymore
and we didn't play D-and-D,
it was magic.
(Mr. Rubin)
'Uh, yes, Hayley?'
Amoebas and stuff can
like, split into two, right?
- Like asexually?
- Mm, that's right.
So if that works, then why
is sexual reproduction
even a thing?
Uh, 'cause it's super fun?
Actually,
that's a terrific question.
- What a Margaret.
- Yeah.
Hey, did you get 151?
I'm trying to get real faded?
- Oh, me too.
- Me too.
I'm gonna get maybe
even like, double faded.
[indistinct chatter]
(Kiana)
'Ew, cold.'
[sighs]
So, did you live
at the hotel pool?
Huh?
You're just super tan
from Mexico.
Oh. I guess.
It looks really good.
I'm not trying to roast you
or anything.
Hey, did you write down
the bio reading? I totally...
Sara, we're on
different paths now, okay?
Okay?
So, can we just like,
let that be.
You know, I'm moving forward.
No, yeah, I get it.
You wanna focus on
lacrosse and college.
Sure, yeah, uh, there's that.
I thought the sex thing
wasn't a big deal.
Yeah, well, I've changed
a lot this summer.
My priorities are..
Different, okay?
Hey, Sara?
It's pages 24 through 43.
Skip the lab questions on 30.
- Hey, Skyler!
- What's up, Skyler?
[instrumental music]
[knock on door]
Hey, Sare Bear,
I'm heading to class.
You do your homework?
- Did you do yours?
- Zing!
Seriously, you do it yet?
That's what I'm talking about.
Ten thousand hours, baby!
Then you're gonna be
a big time CEO!
That's not even a real thing.
Are you wearing makeup?
No, I just moisturized.
It's called making an effort.
Okay.
Everything peachy
in your world, baby?
Yep, can you
close the door please?
Alright,
I'll get outta your hair.
Be good.
[instrumental music]
[knock on door]
[exhales]
Hey.
Hey.
I thought we could, talk?
Huh?
[instrumental music]
[moaning]
Do you have a condom?
Just pull out.
I will.
[instrumental music]
[moaning]
Ow!
Ow.
[screams]
[screaming]
[panting]
It felt so good.
Yeah, amazing.
Did you pull out?
[intense music]
It's okay.
It's okay.
I'm sure it's..
[bell ringing]
[instrumental music]
Made it rain
and I barely got my feet wet
Fresh money
like I came up off the inkjet
Still swish swish
I need a heat check
Y'all princes ain't
even kissed my feet yet
And we gonna do
whatever I say
When I get bored
Boy's gonna play
Taking calls
'cause I got a deal on the way
Grown woman
doing grown woman shit
Grown woman doing
grown woman shit
Spent the checks
on the drips on my wrist
[retching]
[door slams]
[gasps]
Jesus!
I just wanted to see
if everything was okay, shit!
[exhales]
So..
Is everything okay?
Yeah. Thanks.
Tegan's thigh gap
is so much better than mine.
- Pouty face.
- Oh, my God, Ki.
Yours is amaze, and mine's
only because of gymnastics.
- God, I should join.
- That's cray.
It's like a really
big commitment, but I love it.
'Plus my mom won't
let me quit, so who cares?'
- My thigh gap is such garbage.
- Shh, shh, shh!
Feeling better?
Mm-hmm, I'm fine.
My favorite part was right
before when you were like
"Oh, I love my boyfriend."
And then you totally barfed
all over him.
Why are you so obsessed with me?
I'm, I'm not.
I'm just telling
everybody the story
because it's
a super funny story.
Yeah, you're like, the funniest
one of our friends, Kiana.
[sobbing]
Hey, Sara, is everything cool?
[laughing]
Talk about mood swings.
What are you like, pregnant?
[chuckles]
That would be hilarious.
(Blaire) 'What are you
guys doing this weekend?'
(Kiana)
'Shopping.'
[intense music]
Oh, thank Christ.
[intense music]
(Kate) 'Sara,
welcome to the land of the living.'
[knock on door]
'Sara?'
[intense music]
W-T-Fuck?
W-T-Fuck!
[dramatic music]
(Kate) 'I'm coming
in, hide your shame.'
[phone vibrates]
Okay.
[sighs]
Fuck, fuck!
- Fuck!
- Hey.
- Hey you.
- I was just thinking about you.
(Skyler on phone) 'I called
you a bunch last night.'
Yeah, I wasn't feeling awesome.
So, how are you feeling?
(Skyler on phone)
'Uh, I'm okay.'
Actually,
now that you mention it
'I have been feeling really..'
horny.
Wanna come over?
I'd love to but I'm stuck
with my mom all day, so lame!
I'll see you later.
Kisses, bye!
Hey, w-we're still going to
Kiana's together though, right?
- Hey, bitch!
- Kiana, hey...
Oh my God, shut up for second.
Did you hear, Amy P.
Got shwasted
and hooked up with Joey C.?
They did it in his Scion,
so grody.
It's all DL by the way,
Amy's supes embarrassed about it
and made me promise
not to tell anyone
also she pegged him.
So, what's up?
[sighs]
So, why are you here?
Uh, hello?
Okay, I'm just trying to like
like, where's Kiana?
Aren't you guys like,
besties now?
I mean, I just thought
you would help me or whatever.
What?
Nothing, you just
kinda totally ghosted me
sophomore year.
What?
I've seen you.
Whatever, never mind.
Hayley,
I'm really freaking here.
Well, sorry, it's just,
a lot to take in.
- Shyeah.
- It doesn't make sense.
I saw you yesterday.
Puking my guts out.
Morning sickness much?
Okay, well, whatever's
happening here is...
Completely bat-shit.
Gynecological.
You need to go to a hospital!
Hmm, veto.
They'll call my mom.
Oh, are you serious?
This is triage, Hayley.
Priority one
is keeping this quiet.
Priority two is my health
and general overall wellbeing.
Okay, so you want a place
that's confidential
maybe who knows a way around
a freaky surprise pregnancy
and, hey, hopefully doesn't
cost anything either
because why not?
We're all human beings
in God's eyes.
It is not too late
to turn around.
'There is still time
for forgiveness.'
Don't make a decision
you'll regret
for the rest of your life.
Forgive this harlot, Lord.
She knows not what she does.
Jesus loves you!
Bitch!
I guess those opium orgies
really paid off, huh?
Okay, I told you
it was my first time
so stop slut shaming me.
And sex is like,
a totally natural
healthy part of life anyway.
Where is Skyler, anyway?
- You should call him...
- Don't!
It's not Skyler.
That's the whole reason
we broke up in the first place.
I wanted to wait.
Oh, that's probably good.
Skyler was always kind of a
sleaze anyway.
And cocky, and a douche.
- Oh, my God, was it Joey C.?
- It doesn't..
Hayley, it doesn't matter.
Would you just lay off, please?
I just don't understand
why you dragged me
into this instead of..
Mark?
I'm gonna get back
to this questionnaire
because it's slightly less
invasive.
So, how far along are you?
A day.
And I know that sounds like,
super cray.
Sara, you didn't just like,
go to sleep last night
and wake up
nine months pregnant.
It's pretty cray.
[instrumental music]
I am so effed.
No.
I'm sure Zack will
still support you.
[laughs]
Not having this convo, again.
I'm just, I'm just confused.
You know, I thought you wanted
to wait for this sort of thing.
I mean,
isn't that the whole reason
why you broke up
with that man slut?
Skyler's not a man slut.
He was all tan.
Yuck!
He just got back from Mexico.
(both)
Mexico?
Wait, what is..
Oh, God!
Um, yeah.
Um, okay.
I'll be right back.
I'm sure everything's fine.
I'm gonna go get a doctor.
I need you to look.
I hate you.
[intense music]
[exhales]
Whoa, okay! That was way more
butt hole than I was expecting!
Don't be such a prude!
Come on, is it like, crowning?
Gah!
[screams]
What the hell?
I think that was a contraction.
[door opens]
(Richard) 'You didn't
tell me she was in labor.'
How far apart
are the contractions?
[screams]
Very close!
We need to do this now.
Richard, Richard!
Richard, I'm telling you
there is something weird
on that sonogram.
That's why I'm here.
Ew, no, no, no!
- Can't she do it?
- 'Yeah.'
I mean, there's like,
a lot of butt hole.
Miss, I'm an OB-GYN.
There's nothing down here
I haven't seen before.
[intense music]
[screams]
[all screaming]
[panting]
What the hell was that thing?
Not a baby.
- No duh!
- Yeah, no duh. No duh!
This is why you use a condom.
Oh, this is so not
why you use a condom!
[panting]
[faint growling]
[screaming]
[intense music]
[gasping]
[growling]
Holy shit!
[growls]
[rattling in distance]
[intense music]
[indistinct chatter]
(Sara)
'Look out! Ah!'
- 'Use this!'
- 'It's not gonna work.'
(Hayley)
Where is it?
[music continues]
Run!
[screaming]
[dramatic music]
Here!
What the shit was that?
Definitely not a baby.
[tires screeching]
(man on radio) 'Hey, Ruiz,
we got a call in of a possible 217'
'at that clinic on Mesa Way.
You think you can check it out?'
Uh, yeah.
I'm on the South Side.
Ah, why can't Anderson get it?
- 'It's his birthday.'
- So?
(man on radio) 'So,
we got ice cream cake at the station'
and we don't wanna see it melt.
[sighs]
Great.
Yeah, alright, I'm on it.
Oh, uh, save me a slice, yeah?
(man on radio)
'It's ice cream cake, Oscar.'
[siren blaring]
[indistinct]
[exhales]
[laughing]
What?
It's just, the swelling
hasn't gone down yet.
That's not how it works, is it?
I don't know,
I opted out of help.
Yeah, big surprise!
[both screaming]
- Ew, ew, ew!
- What is happening?
What do we do? What do we do?
What do we do?
Okay, okay.
Um... we should call the cops.
Okay, that's a good first idea.
- Let's keep brainstorming.
- Sara!
Oh, like they'd believe
any of this.
And also, I'd prefer not to
vag cannon anyone else tonight.
It's called saving a life.
And I'll call my mom, yes.
Fine!
Then we call Skyler right now.
What's Plan C?
Dude, he knows something,
remember?
Mexico?
That was a brief lapse
of xenophobia.
I don't want him getting
involved in this.
You don't understand.
Yeah, no, I don't!
He'll freak out and I don't..
And, hi, the vag cannon
thing again.
Oh, whatever!
Okay, don't get huffy.
We're still exploring.
Okay, okay, okay.
How tall is your staircase?
Wow.
We are really scraping
the bottom
of the idea barrel here.
How 'bout we just slap you
on the kitchen counter
and aim you at the Vitamix?
This better be the last time
I see that butt hole tonight.
Hello? Sinners?
[intense music]
[screeching in distance]
[music continues]
[whimpering]
Sinner.
[screeching]
[music continues]
[screeches]
Nothing, just making smoothies.
Yes, I fed them.
Okay, love you too.
- It's not coming out.
- Try pushing.
If I push any harder
I'm gonna shit on the counter.
Ugh!
I can't find anything about
a Mexican pregnancy monster.
It's all just
freaky Reddit threads.
Ew!
You know, I think if this
is a thing people knew about
we'd know, you know?
(Kate)
'Sara, I forgot my books.'
'Are you in the kitchen?'
Hayley?
Kate!
Hey!
Holy crap, sweetie!
Give me a hug!
Oh, let me come to you!
Oh!
I haven't seen you
in forever and a day.
You look so..
Oh, my God,
you look like a grownup.
And-and you're doing that
school thing, which is awesome!
(Kate)
'Yes, cosmetology training.'
I'm gonna be a modern
working woman. Girl power!
- Where's Sara?
- Bathroom.
Ha! Story of her life.
Oh, it is just so good
to see you.
I know, oh!
It is just, it is so good
to see you two
hanging out again.
Yeah!
[sighs] I don't know what
is up with her lately
but she just seems kinda,
uh, ugh
uh, you know?
Really?
No.
Oh, I don't know.
I feel like
I'm losing my sweet girl
to this person
I don't recognize.
I totally didn't notice.
Well, you've always had
your head screwed on straight.
Sara's head is up her ass.
Well, I'm off!
Bye, Sara, be good!
Okay, she's gone for now,
but we cannot
stick around here forever.
Any changes?
No, it's not coming out.
So, what do we do?
Just like, wait?
I can't just Juno around town
with this thing.
We gotta get proactive.
Okay, um..
This says spicy foods can help.
Subs and Thai's open 'til 9:00.
Yeah, wait no.
This is Yahoo Answers.
[groans]
We need actual science!
[intense music]
Oh, my God.
We go see Dave.
No. Come on. Dave?
I was leading
this cabin tour once
and one of the alpacas,
she was like, three weeks late
and Dave shot this stuff into
her that made her give birth.
Yeah, but that's an animal.
Exactly!
He's not gonna believe us.
Or we could call the cops?
[intense music]
Yowza.
Hey dispatch,
we're gonna need an ambulance.
And the coroner.
Just try not to leak
on anything back there.
Yeah, I wouldn't wanna
ruin your stunning upholstery.
Hey, I just
thought of something.
(Sara)
'Yeah?'
We've left that thingy
in the clinic, right?
- Uh-huh?
- Well, like, oops, right?
It could hurt more people.
Maybe he's... dead?
[dramatic music]
Yeah.
But probably not, right?
Maybe he's just, like..
Chilling at the clinic.
[dramatic music]
Yeah.
But probably not, right?
Hmm.
Okay, let's deal with this guy
and then we'll go back.
Yeah, if we don't die,
we won't definitely go back.
[dramatic music]
Cool.
[intense music]
[growling]
(Hayley)
Dave!
- Hayley?
- Hey.
I, uh, did I call you in?
No, but we kinda need your help.
Sara Steinberg?
Come out here,
let me take a look at you!
So, Sara had sex with some guy
and got pregnant overnight
and we went to the clinic,
but she gave birth
to this weird thing
and it exploded a doctor's head
and controlled a nurse like
a puppet with its stinger
and now she has another one
inside of her
and we need to get it out.
And we know
that sounds super cray.
It's a parasite, a dracunculus
or a blood fluke or something.
Ugh, a blood fluke?
Yeah, it's a type of flatworm.
This is hot.
So, I have worms?
No, no, no, no.
What you have
is much freakier than that.
So what kind of parasite
can just hijack
a human reproductive system?
Or a whole human,
while we're at it.
Well, I can consult
my literature
but I'm pretty sure
I haven't heard
anything like this before.
I mean, Sara, you may have
discovered a whole new species.
Goodie.
This guy you got down with
had he altered
his routine at all?
Gone spelunking,
eaten something gnarly?
Been bitten by a rabid dog?
Well, he did just come back
from Mexico.
Mexico?
Not in an ethnocentric way
or anything
but... maybe lover boy
came back
with an illegal alien?
[intense music]
Whoa.
Whoa indeed, caballero.
Whoa indeed.
Whatever, you can get it
out of me, right?
Probably.
Hey, I checked on that Steinberg
address, no one was home.
Any news on that corpse?
(man on radio)
'Nope, no bet.'
[intense music]
[beeping]
[music continues]
Oh, holy shit!
It's still here.
I completely forgot about this.
Do you think he knows?
[laughing]
Um... why did you stop coming?
[phone vibrates]
It's Skyler, I totally spaced.
Hey, boo!
(Skyler) You totally
didn't respond to my texts!
Are we rolling to
Kiana's together or not?
Oh, my God,
I completely forgot, Sky.
We talked this morning.
I know I just,
I got this stomach bug
all of a sudden.
I miss you.
Yeah, yeah,
that's fine, whatever.
Um, I'm sorry you're sick.
- Thanks.
- It's just..
I just really
wanna see you, you know?
And I wanna, I wanna kiss you
and I wanna be with you.
- Mm.
- Sexually.
Oh.
I just really
wanna see you tonight!
Yeah, I-I know, but I think
it'll be out of my system soon.
I love you!
What?
I fucking love you, girl.
'I love you!'
Wow.
Okay, I get it,
you're sick, bye!
- That was weird.
- Huh?
He was just acting
super weird. I don't know.
- Sara, you gotta tell him.
- Are you kidding?
We are almost home free,
why would I tell him?
Oh, my God, like 100 reasons!
How do we know that
he still doesn't have something
inside of him, in his nards?
Uh, 'cause it's inside me now.
Okay, or, you know,
how 'bout the fact
that the father should step up,
maybe?
Why does Skyler get a free pass?
You're perpetuating some
serious patriarchal bullshit.
This is not the time
for a free the nipple uprising.
Sorry, but this all
started with Skyler, right?
What am I missing?
You've never had a boyfriend.
You wouldn't understand.
Ready?
[intense music]
You okay?
Uh, sure. I've just never done
this on a human before.
Uh..
Sorry, it's gotta reach
the uterus.
Uterotonic
can induce contractions
and ultimately labor.
- Uh-huh.
- 40cc's..
A little more.
Little more.
Oh, baby.
Okay.
[intense music]
[exhales]
Here we go.
[gasps]
[music continues]
[breathing heavily]
[whirring]
[gasping]
- Push!
- I did.
- Push harder!
- Why didn't it work?
- Dave!
- I don't know, it should've.
It must've hung on.
You-you're saying
it wants to stay inside?
The uterotonic, give me more!
- I can't!
- Why not?
Because this is dangerous stuff
and if I gave any more
it would risk terminating
the pregnancy altogether.
I realized what I said
as soon as it came out
of my mouth.
I'll get some more.
God, why would it
want to stay inside?
Maybe it's waiting
for something.
For what?
[door banging]
The other guy?
[intense music]
[knock on door]
Oh, fart.
Hey, me and Harris, and Alyssa
we're going down to Toto's
for some margaritas!
- Ooh! Ooh!
- Are you interested?
Oh, that sounds amazing,
but I think I'm gonna go home
and get ignored
by my daughter instead.
[laughs]
Alright, well,
I'm gonna go get drunk.
Okay. You have fun!
Be safe!
[phone vibrates]
Hello?
What?
What?
She's what?
[intense music]
[screeches]
(Kate)
'I can't even believe you.'
'I literally
cannot believe you!'
Mom, it's not what you think.
After everything we talked about
you go and you have
unprotected sex?
- You're not listening!
- She did, but...
- Stay out of this, Hayley!
- It was one time!
One's enough, Sara!
- Obviously, forget college.
- Okay, ma'am, uh...
Oh, you see these shows
where the girl gets pregnant
and the mom doesn't notice
anything.
How could you not notice?
And here I am,
and I didn't notice.
How couldn't I have noticed?
Ma'am, I need to ask the
girls some questions about...
Christ, Sare Bear. How could you
do this to yourself?
- Oh, you're one to talk.
- Excuse me, young lady?
- Don't young lady me.
- We're like, 15 years apart.
Yes, Sara, I was just like you
and I screwed up my life!
Okay, let's just, uh,
downshift here for a second.
Ah, ma'am, do you wanna
step out with me?
- But there's an alien...
- Alien. Right, I know.
Ah, I don't believe you.
- Hi.
- Uh, hi.
You're being allowed
in that room as a courtesy.
I have your daughter
at the scene of a serious crime
and what you're doing right now,
it's not helping me
and it's definitely not
helping your daughter.
Don't, you don't get
to lecture me.
Who do you think you are,
Officer Ruiz?
You're so off base here,
it's crazy!
You know you're like,
not supposed to touch me, right?
This whole thing is effed.
Yeah, it's kinda why
I didn't wanna involve cops
in the first place.
It is not my fault my parents
put a LoJack in my car.
I know. Just saying.
[sighs]
Sorry. It's just..
My mom's so up her ass.
And hey, where does she
get off yelling at you?
She's really pulling
a Water Zone 2010, huh?
"I went to get corn dogs
for you girls and you disappear?
I had them
checking the parking lot."
"Our home base
was the towels."
You're scared right now, okay?
I get it.
You're so condescending.
You have no idea what it's like!
I have a daughter too.
She's in Tampa with her mom.
She's only five, but if I were
in your shoes right now
I would also be freaking.
Right.
But your daughter's scared too
and she's fabricating
all of this alien stuff
because she doesn't
wanna be judged.
And the only way we're gonna
get some answers tonight
is if we approach the situation
with understanding, okay?
I'mma get a water.
You want a water?
I mean, your throat must be raw.
Hey, aren't you supposed to be
helping Ruiz with those girls?
After a cigarette.
You know he said that
two cigarettes ago, right?
- Did I?
- 'This guy.'
[intense music]
Sara... I... was
out of line before.
I overreacted.
I just hate to see you
making the same, ugh..
I'm sorry.
Do you wanna tell me
and this officer what happened?
[sighs]
I got pregnant
and what I gave birth to
was an alien.
Oh, dios mio! What happened
at that clinic, okay?
We've told you
like, a million times!
It's exactly what she said!
It's exactly...
Everyone out, I need
everyone out for a second!
- But...
- Out!
Let's go, you.
[intense music]
[dog barking in distance]
It's just you and me now, baby.
Now, I know
you didn't hurt anyone.
And we'll get that sorted out.
But right now, I just wanna
talk to you about you.
Whatever you're going through...
Mom, you have no idea
what you're talking about.
I know what this feels like.
I went through
the exact same thing.
I just wanna make sure
you're not punishing yourself.
Stop trying to help me!
I don't need
an after school special.
This is fucking worlds apart
from what you went through.
I'm not gonna end up
all sad and lonely
just, Jesus,
you make me wanna scream!
[Frankie screaming]
Frankie, you okay?
[intense music]
[screeching]
Told ya.
[growling]
Sir, are you aware
there's a lobster on your neck?
[low growl]
[screeching]
[guns firing]
[intense music]
[exhales]
[all screaming]
Holding cell,
lock yourselves in.
Mom!
[panting]
Wait! Don't come in!
- Dave?
- Just don't look.
I got nervous and had to deuce.
- Nobody look!
- No one's gonna look.
What the hell is going on, Sara?
What was that thing?
Okay, so Sara had sex
as you know, duh, whatever.
And then that thingy
came flying out of her vagina
like a T-shirt cannon
and started chasing us
and there's a second
one still inside Sara
and the first one wants
the second one for some reason.
- Got it?
- Uh, no.
See, so maybe you
should've listened earlier.
You guys.
What, what's wrong?
That thingy can hop off
and come in through bars.
We need a plan.
We don't even know
what it wants.
I've been thinking about that
and I have a theory.
Don't look!
It's tracking you, right?
Freaky deaky stuff.
The question is, why?
Now, this thing and its brother
are communicating
from a great distance
some kinda sonar, like a bat.
Maybe radio waves
gamma waves?
No, uh, it's radio waves.
Probably radio waves.
Yeah, science, science, science.
It already found us, Dave.
So, this guy inside of you
is telling his buddy
where you're at, why?
Well, in the animal kingdom
babies generally look
to their mama for one thing.
It wants to breastfeed?
It more wants to feed feed
in general on you.
Sorry.
- But..
- Way too long a pause, Dave.
The uterotonic is here.
- Utero what, what?
- Mom, shut up!
Where?
[screaming]
[gun firing]
[intense music]
[growling]
[thudding]
[groaning]
(male 1)
'It's a massacre!'
Everyone ready?
Oh, my God! Ah!
[whimpering]
Ew!
Oh, my God, you touched it,
you touched it!
[whimpering]
[gun firing]
[screeching]
[intense music]
[gasps]
[gasps]
Hi.
What the hell are you guys
doing here?
We're going to get
the utero thing, to, um..
I'm not really sure
I understand actually.
[chuckling]
That's funny.
Oh!
[screeching]
[creature whimpering]
[squelching]
[snarling]
Oh!
Give it at least a 100cc's,
ladies.
- What're you talking about?
- Get to the evidence room.
- But...
- Go!
[intense music]
[grunting]
[low snarling]
Groovy.
[screeching]
(Sara)
'Uh..'
Shit!
Oh, God!
Oh, shit!
Uh..
[grunting]
(male 2)
'Fire, fire!'
[explodes]
[screeching]
[intense music]
[grunting]
[snarling]
No!
[guns firing]
[intense music]
[creature screeching]
[crashing]
[snarling]
[thudding]
[low growling]
[breathing heavily]
[growling]
[screaming]
[growling continues]
[intense music]
[screeching]
[panting]
[low growling]
(Hayley)
'Sara?'
'Sara?'
You awake?
My mom.
I don't know.
We gotta go find her.
Yeah..
That's why we're here.
[instrumental music]
[cheering]
God, you are good at this.
Like really good at this.
It's just hand eye
coordination from gymnastics.
I hate it, but my mom
makes me do it, whatever.
Oh, wow.
She'll be right back.
- Blair.
- Oh, hey!
I told you to wait here for me.
I was just...
I don't care what you were just.
Kick ass party, Kiana.
Thanks, Jess,
you're so fucking sweet.
I love you so much.
Skyler bailed.
Sara obvi called him
and told him to leave.
She's so jealous, it's insane.
Jealous of what?
Me and Skyler's friendship.
We're friends.
We're really,
really good friends.
Like we could take a nap
together and it wouldn't
mean anything,
you know what I mean?
But Sara doesn't get that.
I mean, what's her problem?
She's ruining his life,
he should be here.
You should text him
and tell him to come back.
Jesus, Blair, he's with Sara.
Think before you speak.
This is all so fucked!
Sky, can I please just
talk to Hayley...
I just saw
a bunch of dead cops, Sara!
And I'm like, freaking out!
- She's talking about aliens?
- It's complicated...
This is like,
going to jail shit, Sara.
I need to know what's goin' on!
- We had sex.
- Yeah?
I woke up pregnant.
- Oh shit!
- Ugh!
Are you sure?
Then I gave birth
to, um..
An alien.
- Two aliens.
- Yeah.
And they have my mom
and I don't know where they are
and... I don't know
maybe the..
Maybe you, like, know something?
What the fuck
are you talking about?
I know this is so much
to unload on you
and I'm not like,
blaming you or anything.
But it is definitely your fault.
- Hayley!
- What's your whole thing, man?
- You think I'm an alien?
- I don't know.
That would make sense, right?
You leave town
and come back different.
Hayley, he's not an alien.
You said it yourself at Dave's,
he's acting weird.
- Hayley!
- What is she talking about?
- No, I was just...
- Why are you defending him?
I thought you wanted my help!
Oh, my God, shut up!
[sighs]
Hayley!
Can I please just
have a second with him?
[instrumental music]
[low growling]
[squelching]
[growling]
[intense music]
I don't know, mother,
you know, maybe
maybe I like being single, hmm?
You ever consider that?
After teaching all day,
all I wanna do
is just curl up with a book
a glass of milk,
an-and if I'm indulging
yes, a cookie.
Well, good for Florida.
You know, but here
in the real world
things are a little different.
I mean, it's not like I'm just
gonna bump into the person
I'm gonna spend the rest..
Oh!
Oh, I-I am so sorry.
I will pay for this.
Damn it.
Jesus!
[bell dings]
(female 1)
'No pets allowed here, lady.'
(female 2)
'It's not a pet.'
[low growling]
(female 2)
'Oh, my God! No, no!'
[screaming]
Hayley's just like,
looking out for me.
It's cool.
Yeah, so..
Like..
Do you know anything?
No, obviously!
Okay.
[sniffles]
[crying]
- What're you doing?
- I'm consoling you.
No, no, seriously,
something is going on with you.
I'm just trying
to be supportive, God!
You need to tell me
what happened in Mexico.
Nothing, I just chilled poolside
did that bullshit Spanish
assignment.
- Sipped Pina Coladas.
- That's it?
[sighs]
[intense music]
- What is that thing?
- It's a souvenir thing.
It's nothing, okay?
You're just overreacting.
I'm just trying to help.
I know, I just..
I wanted you to have answers.
[sniffling]
I'm gonna get you some tissues.
[instrumental music]
He's trying to help.
[footsteps]
[door opens]
[engine revving]
[electricity crackling]
[growling]
[screeching]
[roaring]
[squelching]
[growling]
That piece of shit, I knew it!
You called him out
on that thing and he freaked.
It's gotta mean something.
Well, you really heard
everything, huh?
It's a really thin door.
So, what do we do?
He mentioned
his summer homework, whatever.
Right?
Senorita Thompson
thinks he has dyslexia
so he's allowed to make
a video essay, I don't know.
Oh, so maybe there's something
about that thing
on his computer.
Yeah, that's what
I'm looking for.
Yeah, no, I..
Yeah.
Just get it together, bro.
Just get outta dodge.
[breathing heavily]
You're fine.
(man on radio)
'Favorite hits'
'that was The Funkosexuals'
'with "Let's Funk",
stick around.'
'This next one's guaranteed
to get you all moist.'
(woman on radio)
'Mattress so soft and warm.'
'Mm.'
[moaning]
'Pondering Mind on KCEW'
'with me today is novelist,
poet, political activist'
'and former adult film star..'
Oh, come on!
Yeah, there's nothing
in his dad's study either
just a bunch of signed
U2 posters.
Couldn't leave it alone,
could you?
Just, just needling him, Jesus.
What're we talking about
right now?
My mom's out there somewhere
with fucking aliens, Hayley
and you just scared off
our only chance of finding her.
Wait! Hold up,
you're blaming me?
I mean,
you kept going after him.
What did you expect to happen?
Sara, Skyler left
'because he couldn't man up
and take responsibility'
but we'll figure this out, okay?
How? How, how do we fix this?
I don't know, but we can..
I don't know, we'll, we'll...
Skyler was the answer
and now he's gone!
- That's what I've been...
- And it's ruined!
[grunts]
Forget Skyler.
We have made it this far
by ourselves, right?
- We will find a solution.
- Oh, my God.
Are you like, so naive
that you think
we're just gonna go back
to being best friends?
Is that why you've been trying
to break me and Skyler up?
So you can like, win me back?
What are you talking about?
This is insane!
I've spent this whole night
trying to help you.
And you love it,
every second of it
making me feel like shit.
"This is why you wear a condom.
You really should make
better life choices."
Well, you should. Sorry.
You understand this is why
we're not friends, right?
We're not friends 'cause
you ditched me sophomore year
when you got boobs before me.
No, we're not friends
'cause you're a judgy bitch.
I'm gonna be honest with you
because you can't do it
for yourself.
If you were not so obsessed
with keeping your fake ass
world spinning
and had one ounce
of self-respect
this whole night
would've never happened
and your mom wouldn't be dead.
I don't need this shit.
She don't gotta be minus
My girl
looking like a goddess
Afro daddy in the projects
That bitch shining
like August
She's a goddess
And she's a freak with it
She's a goddess
And she's a freak with it
She's a goddess
And she's a freak with it
She's a goddess
And she's a freak with it
Ol' Lucas in the mansion
Zeus couldn't
even buy the fan
All girls around
call me handsome
Makin' bubba's pop
like Hanson
I don't like to work
make my neighbors irk
[instrumental music]
[sniffling]
You found it.
I'm waiting
on this idiot driver.
It's locked so..
My brother does like, tech stuff
for this home security
company, you know.
Do you think he'd help?
Okay.
Thanks.
Car's outside.
[screeching]
[intense music]
[phone beeping]
[phone ringing]
Madre Vista Police Department.
[instrumental music]
Well, if it isn't the two
biggest nerds in Madre Vista.
You literally have tape
on your glasses.
Yeah, on the side,
it's different.
- Oh, okay.
- Oh, okay.
- Oh, okay.
- Oh, okay.
- Idiot!
- Idiot!
- Whose is it?
- Jerome.
- My ex's.
- Mm-hmm.
Revenge.
Tell me about this dude.
He's right here?
- Yeah, Skyler Cole.
- Ugh, sounds like a douche.
- Water polo?
- Lacrosse.
Hmm.
Are you like, hacking into it?
No, I'm guessing his password.
It's usually some combo
of farts and boobs
and yeah, boobfart69.
Oh, shit, okay.
Oh, uh, wh-whoa!
Oh, shit!
Uh, shit!
[moaning]
That was pornography.
[intense music]
[sighs]
Oh, my God.
Hola Senorita Thompson,
from Mexico.
I wanna thank you
from the bottom of my heart
for allowing me to do this
extra credit assignment
despite my crippling dyslexia.
I deserve an Ah in your class.
I know.
[burping]
[moaning]
Chilling poolside
with my lame ass dad.
Get some pina coladas!
Emilio, chicken fingers.
Let's just..
- Wait!
- Antique Mayan sword.
A macuahuitl.
It was basically used
by the ancient Mayans
to fight off their enemies,
not only physical
but also spiritual.
'The lady my dad
bought this from'
'says it possesses great power'
maybe even derived
from an ancient spirit.
It's leading me,
I-I-I can't control it!
Skyler, what the fuck
are you doing?
- Get out of here, get out!
- I'm sorry.
- Come on, I'm taking a shit!
- 'I'm going away, going away.'
Whoa, whoa, um, I can't! Oh!
Dad, I really, I can't control
it! I can't control it!
Give it!
Wait!
My parents dragged me to this
museum of anthropology
so, here I am
learning during the summer,
like an idiot.
As you can see
this room is filled
with various artifacts
of an expressive nature.
'Some of which anthropologists
believe'
to be devoted to fertility.
This is the most amazing art
I've ever seen.
The Mayans were geniuses,
and this is in a museum.
I mean, the level of detail.
Whoa!
Now, I'm Mayan too.
Ooh, yeah!
- No.
- Whoo!
'Fuck!'
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, that's okay, that's okay.
I'll just..
[sneezing]
(female 3) 'Now if you can exit this
way, you'll find yourself..'
[instrumental music]
Oh, my God.
[intense music]
Oh, Lord.
Psst.
- Thank you, thank you officer.
- It's inside?
- I-I-I don't, I don't know.
- Alright, that's okay.
Can you tell me
what happened in there?
I mean,
what's all the pink stuff?
I-I-I'm a li-little frazzled.
Okay, um
is there anything
you wanna tell me
before I go in there?
I'll never forget the screams.
Okay, okay.
[intense music]
[music continues]
Well, that's not great.
[intense music]
What the hell is that?
I think this thing says
your baby boy is growing up.
Great.
What's next, Skyler?
Go sit down,
your mother and I are not ready.
Oh, another one!
(Sara)
'They're fighting each other.'
Wait.
They're not fighting..
'...they're...'
- Fucking.
- I think it's a girl.
- 'She's gonna get...'
- Pregnant.
This is gonna spread.
But whoever drew these things
beat the thingies
because they were alive
at the end, right?
They made this, like,
Ikea manual for how to win.
If there's anymore drawings.
Oh, there!
[intense music]
- Don't love that.
- No.
The female's turning
into a giant spider thingy
and our only solution
is to, like
torch everything
and kill everyone?
My mom doesn't stand a chance.
The girl is turning
into a spider monster thingy.
If it's in its cocoon,
i-it's parked somewhere
and if we find the cocoon,
we find your mom
and we just kill these thingies
before they eff, boom!
Yeah, but, how are we
supposed to find the cocoon?
Ah, shit! Ow!
Dammit that burns, that burns!
That burns, that burns.
(Jerome) 'Interesting.
Yes, they have, sir.'
Thank you very much,
Mr. Harrington.
So..
There have been a few alarms
that have gone off tonight.
Some around the clinic,
some around that farm
and some at that
the police station.
Told you!
But..
There haven't been any
in the passed few hours.
What the hell?
Is that normal
for this time of night?
[sighs]
Yeah, totally. I mean... yeah.
What?
Nothing, nothing.
- What was it? You idiot!
- 'It's nothing!'
There's just one place
that hasn't set their alarm
at closing and they usually do.
[sighs]
[pulsing]
[intense music]
[phone ringing]
Sorry, the store is closed.
Please, just never call here
again.
Hello?
- Hello?
- Oscar?
- Sara?
- You're alive?
Oh, yeah, you too? Yay!
Wait, is that the cop
from the barns?
- Shut up, Jerome!
- Who's Jerome?
It doesn't matter.
- Is my mom there?
- Is your mom there?
- Wait, what?
- She's not there with you?
I don't know, she's, uh..
[intense music]
We'll take my car.
If we do this, we go hard.
I can't have you guys chickening
out at the last second.
Oh, you two little shit..
[tires screeching]
Just so you know, I wasn't gonna
shoot the propane. Bad idea.
I-I didn't even know that you
were in there, obviously
because then..
Well, it wouldn't have
killed her.
Wouldn't have killed her.
She's gonna be okay.
Oh!
[intense music]
[siren wailing]
[sighs]
[indistinct chatter]
[instrumental music]
What the hell?
[intense music]
No, no, I-I don't understand.
Those things are out there
and they're gonna eff
and we're screwed.
You work your whole life
to get in a college
an-and the world just ends.
And it doesn't even matter.
Oh, my God,
I have never been to Japan.
Holy shit!
What do these thingies need
to complete their life cycle?
High school hotties?
They need people to eff, right?
- Right?
- Okay.
So we know
they're looking for sex
'like, a lot of sex.'
They're out there right
now sniffing around
fo-for pheromones or gamma rays
or whatever
all leading to like..
- An orgy?
- Yeah! Kind of.
Well, where are we gonna
find an orgy in Madre Vista?
You mean like a big,
sweaty group of people
ready to go to the bone zone?
- Kiana's party!
- There's a party?
Oh, yeah, sorry.
No, it's cool, but, oh, shit!
Kiana's party,
that's gotta be it.
We don't have a lot of time
if the whole party gets gassed
we'll have 100
Skyler level horndogs
making 200 thingies and..
Math will happen.
So, the plan is, get to Kiana's.
- Evacuate the party.
- Take out the thingies.
- Stop the baby gas.
- Save my mom.
Save the world.
Shit, yeah.
[dramatic music]
[intense music]
[low growling]
[growling]
[tires screeching]
- Wait, wait, wait!
- What?
Your butt's kinda hanging out.
Oh, thanks.
[instrumental music]
- Shall we? Okay.
- Yep.
Uh..
Aliens!
Aliens are coming!
Um, cops!
Cops, yes!
Guys, guys, we gotta bail!
5-0 rolling up any minute.
No, they're not.
The neighbors have been
calling 'em all night.
But they haven't shown up yet.
Probably 'cause they're busy
jerking it.
Cody, shut the fuck up!
Okay, alright, yeah.
They're not coming
because they're all dead.
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
No, just, ugh.
Everyone needs
to get out of here.
Where's Kiana?
[intense music]
Oh, you idiot.
- Did you finish?
- Good knocking, asshole.
- Sara?
- Did you finish?
- I thought you weren't coming!
- I don't care, Kiana.
Skyler, did you finish?
No, Sara, I didn't finish,
alright?
So can you get out?
[grunting]
What the hell, Sara?
Okay, seriously, everyone
needs to get out of here.
What are you doing?
You're being a crazy person.
He doesn't like you, Kiana.
He's just turning into
some kinda sex freak.
Come on, this energy's so right.
Let's just do it
in front of everyone!
You are all junked up
with alien sex gas, you idiot.
Hi, who the fuck are you again?
She's with me.
Forget about them.
Kiana, I love you.
Well, fine!
Sara, babe, I'm sorry.
Let's just do it.
It'll be like old times
in front of all of these people.
[grunting] This is why we
broke up in the first place.
I'm sick of begging!
Somebody better fuck me right..
[thudding]
Skyler!
Okay, truth bomb.
I had sex for the first time
the other night.
Okay, yeah, whatever.
The point is
I gave birth tonight.
Yeah, and what I gave birth
to was fucking aliens.
[screeching]
One hundred percent
not playing, okay.
So seriously,
everyone needs to clear out
because they are coming..
[screeching]
right..
Now!
[intense music]
Ugh, Kiana.
Now I'm gonna have to
kick your ass.
[dramatic music]
[electric crackling]
No problem, man.
[humming]
[low growling]
[all screaming]
[grunting]
[instrumental music]
[grunting]
Whoa.
[indistinct singing on stereo]
[screeching]
[clattering]
[shattering]
[screeching]
No, no, no, no!
[indistinct singing on stereo]
[gasping]
Just so you know,
I had no idea about Skyler
and I really
value our friendship.
I'm too high to move!
[growling]
[instrumental music]
[low growling]
[intense music]
[gasps]
[all screaming]
Um..
[intense music]
[grunting]
Hayley?
[groans]
Hayley?
[snarling]
[low growling]
[intense music]
[Sara choking]
[screaming]
[grinder whirring]
[dramatic music]
So, what's our plan?
Save my mom, save the world.
You're not going by yourself,
you could die.
Maybe.
But I'm the one
who started all this.
Sara!
[floorboard creaking]
[intense music]
[breathing heavily]
[music continues]
Mom!
Sara?
[grunting]
[squelching]
[gasping]
I'm so sorry, mom.
Oh, Sare Bear.
You have nothing
to be sorry about.
[crying]
[low growling]
Uh..
[intense music]
Uh..
[low growling]
Okay.
Let's just..
[breathing heavily]
Okay, okay.
[grunting]
[growling]
[roaring]
Oh, shit!
[roaring]
Oh, shit!
[grunting]
[screaming]
[screeching]
[dramatic music]
[roaring]
Plan B!
[screeching]
[intense music]
[chuckles]
- What's up?
- Sup?
[dramatic music]
[screeching]
[grunting]
(Kiana) 'I'm just saying,
you deserve a little more vacation'
okay, daddy, take a few days
take a week even, I'll be fine.
Take a month.
No, I know you can't
actually take a month.
My gymnastics career is ruined.
My mom is gonna be so angry.
[instrumental music]
Is it over?
Hey, hey, is it over?
- Oh, hey.
- Hi.
Listen, d-do you wanna
go out with me?
- Yeah. Uh, yeah.
- Yeah?
I realize this is probably an
awkward time to be doing this.
'Also, I crashed my car'
'it's kinda hard to drive
with one eye.'
So, this is what
parties are like?
Yeah, but the monsters
are usually way bigger.
[laughing]
[music continues]
[instrumental music]
[music continues]
[music continues]
[music continues]
[muffled screaming]
[intense music]
[music continues]
[music continues]
So, meiosis is the process
by which a cell divides
and splits up
the number of chromosomes.
Now, this is different
than mitosis, remember.
They are to form what are called
gametes, alright?
Did this make sense
to everybody?
Alright now, each gamete
contains 50 percent..
We're just gonna
like, wreck your house.
- It's gonna be so rad.
- Who's even coming?
Yeah, is it gonna be like, super
exclusive? What's the deal?
It's a back to school party,
you dumb beezies.
Everyone's coming.
Sara can even bring her
D-and-D BFF for all I care.
They combine to form...
We're not even friends anymore
and we didn't play D-and-D,
it was magic.
(Mr. Rubin)
'Uh, yes, Hayley?'
Amoebas and stuff can
like, split into two, right?
- Like asexually?
- Mm, that's right.
So if that works, then why
is sexual reproduction
even a thing?
Uh, 'cause it's super fun?
Actually,
that's a terrific question.
- What a Margaret.
- Yeah.
Hey, did you get 151?
I'm trying to get real faded?
- Oh, me too.
- Me too.
I'm gonna get maybe
even like, double faded.
[indistinct chatter]
(Kiana)
'Ew, cold.'
[sighs]
So, did you live
at the hotel pool?
Huh?
You're just super tan
from Mexico.
Oh. I guess.
It looks really good.
I'm not trying to roast you
or anything.
Hey, did you write down
the bio reading? I totally...
Sara, we're on
different paths now, okay?
Okay?
So, can we just like,
let that be.
You know, I'm moving forward.
No, yeah, I get it.
You wanna focus on
lacrosse and college.
Sure, yeah, uh, there's that.
I thought the sex thing
wasn't a big deal.
Yeah, well, I've changed
a lot this summer.
My priorities are..
Different, okay?
Hey, Sara?
It's pages 24 through 43.
Skip the lab questions on 30.
- Hey, Skyler!
- What's up, Skyler?
[instrumental music]
[knock on door]
Hey, Sare Bear,
I'm heading to class.
You do your homework?
- Did you do yours?
- Zing!
Seriously, you do it yet?
That's what I'm talking about.
Ten thousand hours, baby!
Then you're gonna be
a big time CEO!
That's not even a real thing.
Are you wearing makeup?
No, I just moisturized.
It's called making an effort.
Okay.
Everything peachy
in your world, baby?
Yep, can you
close the door please?
Alright,
I'll get outta your hair.
Be good.
[instrumental music]
[knock on door]
[exhales]
Hey.
Hey.
I thought we could, talk?
Huh?
[instrumental music]
[moaning]
Do you have a condom?
Just pull out.
I will.
[instrumental music]
[moaning]
Ow!
Ow.
[screams]
[screaming]
[panting]
It felt so good.
Yeah, amazing.
Did you pull out?
[intense music]
It's okay.
It's okay.
I'm sure it's..
[bell ringing]
[instrumental music]
Made it rain
and I barely got my feet wet
Fresh money
like I came up off the inkjet
Still swish swish
I need a heat check
Y'all princes ain't
even kissed my feet yet
And we gonna do
whatever I say
When I get bored
Boy's gonna play
Taking calls
'cause I got a deal on the way
Grown woman
doing grown woman shit
Grown woman doing
grown woman shit
Spent the checks
on the drips on my wrist
[retching]
[door slams]
[gasps]
Jesus!
I just wanted to see
if everything was okay, shit!
[exhales]
So..
Is everything okay?
Yeah. Thanks.
Tegan's thigh gap
is so much better than mine.
- Pouty face.
- Oh, my God, Ki.
Yours is amaze, and mine's
only because of gymnastics.
- God, I should join.
- That's cray.
It's like a really
big commitment, but I love it.
'Plus my mom won't
let me quit, so who cares?'
- My thigh gap is such garbage.
- Shh, shh, shh!
Feeling better?
Mm-hmm, I'm fine.
My favorite part was right
before when you were like
"Oh, I love my boyfriend."
And then you totally barfed
all over him.
Why are you so obsessed with me?
I'm, I'm not.
I'm just telling
everybody the story
because it's
a super funny story.
Yeah, you're like, the funniest
one of our friends, Kiana.
[sobbing]
Hey, Sara, is everything cool?
[laughing]
Talk about mood swings.
What are you like, pregnant?
[chuckles]
That would be hilarious.
(Blaire) 'What are you
guys doing this weekend?'
(Kiana)
'Shopping.'
[intense music]
Oh, thank Christ.
[intense music]
(Kate) 'Sara,
welcome to the land of the living.'
[knock on door]
'Sara?'
[intense music]
W-T-Fuck?
W-T-Fuck!
[dramatic music]
(Kate) 'I'm coming
in, hide your shame.'
[phone vibrates]
Okay.
[sighs]
Fuck, fuck!
- Fuck!
- Hey.
- Hey you.
- I was just thinking about you.
(Skyler on phone) 'I called
you a bunch last night.'
Yeah, I wasn't feeling awesome.
So, how are you feeling?
(Skyler on phone)
'Uh, I'm okay.'
Actually,
now that you mention it
'I have been feeling really..'
horny.
Wanna come over?
I'd love to but I'm stuck
with my mom all day, so lame!
I'll see you later.
Kisses, bye!
Hey, w-we're still going to
Kiana's together though, right?
- Hey, bitch!
- Kiana, hey...
Oh my God, shut up for second.
Did you hear, Amy P.
Got shwasted
and hooked up with Joey C.?
They did it in his Scion,
so grody.
It's all DL by the way,
Amy's supes embarrassed about it
and made me promise
not to tell anyone
also she pegged him.
So, what's up?
[sighs]
So, why are you here?
Uh, hello?
Okay, I'm just trying to like
like, where's Kiana?
Aren't you guys like,
besties now?
I mean, I just thought
you would help me or whatever.
What?
Nothing, you just
kinda totally ghosted me
sophomore year.
What?
I've seen you.
Whatever, never mind.
Hayley,
I'm really freaking here.
Well, sorry, it's just,
a lot to take in.
- Shyeah.
- It doesn't make sense.
I saw you yesterday.
Puking my guts out.
Morning sickness much?
Okay, well, whatever's
happening here is...
Completely bat-shit.
Gynecological.
You need to go to a hospital!
Hmm, veto.
They'll call my mom.
Oh, are you serious?
This is triage, Hayley.
Priority one
is keeping this quiet.
Priority two is my health
and general overall wellbeing.
Okay, so you want a place
that's confidential
maybe who knows a way around
a freaky surprise pregnancy
and, hey, hopefully doesn't
cost anything either
because why not?
We're all human beings
in God's eyes.
It is not too late
to turn around.
'There is still time
for forgiveness.'
Don't make a decision
you'll regret
for the rest of your life.
Forgive this harlot, Lord.
She knows not what she does.
Jesus loves you!
Bitch!
I guess those opium orgies
really paid off, huh?
Okay, I told you
it was my first time
so stop slut shaming me.
And sex is like,
a totally natural
healthy part of life anyway.
Where is Skyler, anyway?
- You should call him...
- Don't!
It's not Skyler.
That's the whole reason
we broke up in the first place.
I wanted to wait.
Oh, that's probably good.
Skyler was always kind of a
sleaze anyway.
And cocky, and a douche.
- Oh, my God, was it Joey C.?
- It doesn't..
Hayley, it doesn't matter.
Would you just lay off, please?
I just don't understand
why you dragged me
into this instead of..
Mark?
I'm gonna get back
to this questionnaire
because it's slightly less
invasive.
So, how far along are you?
A day.
And I know that sounds like,
super cray.
Sara, you didn't just like,
go to sleep last night
and wake up
nine months pregnant.
It's pretty cray.
[instrumental music]
I am so effed.
No.
I'm sure Zack will
still support you.
[laughs]
Not having this convo, again.
I'm just, I'm just confused.
You know, I thought you wanted
to wait for this sort of thing.
I mean,
isn't that the whole reason
why you broke up
with that man slut?
Skyler's not a man slut.
He was all tan.
Yuck!
He just got back from Mexico.
(both)
Mexico?
Wait, what is..
Oh, God!
Um, yeah.
Um, okay.
I'll be right back.
I'm sure everything's fine.
I'm gonna go get a doctor.
I need you to look.
I hate you.
[intense music]
[exhales]
Whoa, okay! That was way more
butt hole than I was expecting!
Don't be such a prude!
Come on, is it like, crowning?
Gah!
[screams]
What the hell?
I think that was a contraction.
[door opens]
(Richard) 'You didn't
tell me she was in labor.'
How far apart
are the contractions?
[screams]
Very close!
We need to do this now.
Richard, Richard!
Richard, I'm telling you
there is something weird
on that sonogram.
That's why I'm here.
Ew, no, no, no!
- Can't she do it?
- 'Yeah.'
I mean, there's like,
a lot of butt hole.
Miss, I'm an OB-GYN.
There's nothing down here
I haven't seen before.
[intense music]
[screams]
[all screaming]
[panting]
What the hell was that thing?
Not a baby.
- No duh!
- Yeah, no duh. No duh!
This is why you use a condom.
Oh, this is so not
why you use a condom!
[panting]
[faint growling]
[screaming]
[intense music]
[gasping]
[growling]
Holy shit!
[growls]
[rattling in distance]
[intense music]
[indistinct chatter]
(Sara)
'Look out! Ah!'
- 'Use this!'
- 'It's not gonna work.'
(Hayley)
Where is it?
[music continues]
Run!
[screaming]
[dramatic music]
Here!
What the shit was that?
Definitely not a baby.
[tires screeching]
(man on radio) 'Hey, Ruiz,
we got a call in of a possible 217'
'at that clinic on Mesa Way.
You think you can check it out?'
Uh, yeah.
I'm on the South Side.
Ah, why can't Anderson get it?
- 'It's his birthday.'
- So?
(man on radio) 'So,
we got ice cream cake at the station'
and we don't wanna see it melt.
[sighs]
Great.
Yeah, alright, I'm on it.
Oh, uh, save me a slice, yeah?
(man on radio)
'It's ice cream cake, Oscar.'
[siren blaring]
[indistinct]
[exhales]
[laughing]
What?
It's just, the swelling
hasn't gone down yet.
That's not how it works, is it?
I don't know,
I opted out of help.
Yeah, big surprise!
[both screaming]
- Ew, ew, ew!
- What is happening?
What do we do? What do we do?
What do we do?
Okay, okay.
Um... we should call the cops.
Okay, that's a good first idea.
- Let's keep brainstorming.
- Sara!
Oh, like they'd believe
any of this.
And also, I'd prefer not to
vag cannon anyone else tonight.
It's called saving a life.
And I'll call my mom, yes.
Fine!
Then we call Skyler right now.
What's Plan C?
Dude, he knows something,
remember?
Mexico?
That was a brief lapse
of xenophobia.
I don't want him getting
involved in this.
You don't understand.
Yeah, no, I don't!
He'll freak out and I don't..
And, hi, the vag cannon
thing again.
Oh, whatever!
Okay, don't get huffy.
We're still exploring.
Okay, okay, okay.
How tall is your staircase?
Wow.
We are really scraping
the bottom
of the idea barrel here.
How 'bout we just slap you
on the kitchen counter
and aim you at the Vitamix?
This better be the last time
I see that butt hole tonight.
Hello? Sinners?
[intense music]
[screeching in distance]
[music continues]
[whimpering]
Sinner.
[screeching]
[music continues]
[screeches]
Nothing, just making smoothies.
Yes, I fed them.
Okay, love you too.
- It's not coming out.
- Try pushing.
If I push any harder
I'm gonna shit on the counter.
Ugh!
I can't find anything about
a Mexican pregnancy monster.
It's all just
freaky Reddit threads.
Ew!
You know, I think if this
is a thing people knew about
we'd know, you know?
(Kate)
'Sara, I forgot my books.'
'Are you in the kitchen?'
Hayley?
Kate!
Hey!
Holy crap, sweetie!
Give me a hug!
Oh, let me come to you!
Oh!
I haven't seen you
in forever and a day.
You look so..
Oh, my God,
you look like a grownup.
And-and you're doing that
school thing, which is awesome!
(Kate)
'Yes, cosmetology training.'
I'm gonna be a modern
working woman. Girl power!
- Where's Sara?
- Bathroom.
Ha! Story of her life.
Oh, it is just so good
to see you.
I know, oh!
It is just, it is so good
to see you two
hanging out again.
Yeah!
[sighs] I don't know what
is up with her lately
but she just seems kinda,
uh, ugh
uh, you know?
Really?
No.
Oh, I don't know.
I feel like
I'm losing my sweet girl
to this person
I don't recognize.
I totally didn't notice.
Well, you've always had
your head screwed on straight.
Sara's head is up her ass.
Well, I'm off!
Bye, Sara, be good!
Okay, she's gone for now,
but we cannot
stick around here forever.
Any changes?
No, it's not coming out.
So, what do we do?
Just like, wait?
I can't just Juno around town
with this thing.
We gotta get proactive.
Okay, um..
This says spicy foods can help.
Subs and Thai's open 'til 9:00.
Yeah, wait no.
This is Yahoo Answers.
[groans]
We need actual science!
[intense music]
Oh, my God.
We go see Dave.
No. Come on. Dave?
I was leading
this cabin tour once
and one of the alpacas,
she was like, three weeks late
and Dave shot this stuff into
her that made her give birth.
Yeah, but that's an animal.
Exactly!
He's not gonna believe us.
Or we could call the cops?
[intense music]
Yowza.
Hey dispatch,
we're gonna need an ambulance.
And the coroner.
Just try not to leak
on anything back there.
Yeah, I wouldn't wanna
ruin your stunning upholstery.
Hey, I just
thought of something.
(Sara)
'Yeah?'
We've left that thingy
in the clinic, right?
- Uh-huh?
- Well, like, oops, right?
It could hurt more people.
Maybe he's... dead?
[dramatic music]
Yeah.
But probably not, right?
Maybe he's just, like..
Chilling at the clinic.
[dramatic music]
Yeah.
But probably not, right?
Hmm.
Okay, let's deal with this guy
and then we'll go back.
Yeah, if we don't die,
we won't definitely go back.
[dramatic music]
Cool.
[intense music]
[growling]
(Hayley)
Dave!
- Hayley?
- Hey.
I, uh, did I call you in?
No, but we kinda need your help.
Sara Steinberg?
Come out here,
let me take a look at you!
So, Sara had sex with some guy
and got pregnant overnight
and we went to the clinic,
but she gave birth
to this weird thing
and it exploded a doctor's head
and controlled a nurse like
a puppet with its stinger
and now she has another one
inside of her
and we need to get it out.
And we know
that sounds super cray.
It's a parasite, a dracunculus
or a blood fluke or something.
Ugh, a blood fluke?
Yeah, it's a type of flatworm.
This is hot.
So, I have worms?
No, no, no, no.
What you have
is much freakier than that.
So what kind of parasite
can just hijack
a human reproductive system?
Or a whole human,
while we're at it.
Well, I can consult
my literature
but I'm pretty sure
I haven't heard
anything like this before.
I mean, Sara, you may have
discovered a whole new species.
Goodie.
This guy you got down with
had he altered
his routine at all?
Gone spelunking,
eaten something gnarly?
Been bitten by a rabid dog?
Well, he did just come back
from Mexico.
Mexico?
Not in an ethnocentric way
or anything
but... maybe lover boy
came back
with an illegal alien?
[intense music]
Whoa.
Whoa indeed, caballero.
Whoa indeed.
Whatever, you can get it
out of me, right?
Probably.
Hey, I checked on that Steinberg
address, no one was home.
Any news on that corpse?
(man on radio)
'Nope, no bet.'
[intense music]
[beeping]
[music continues]
Oh, holy shit!
It's still here.
I completely forgot about this.
Do you think he knows?
[laughing]
Um... why did you stop coming?
[phone vibrates]
It's Skyler, I totally spaced.
Hey, boo!
(Skyler) You totally
didn't respond to my texts!
Are we rolling to
Kiana's together or not?
Oh, my God,
I completely forgot, Sky.
We talked this morning.
I know I just,
I got this stomach bug
all of a sudden.
I miss you.
Yeah, yeah,
that's fine, whatever.
Um, I'm sorry you're sick.
- Thanks.
- It's just..
I just really
wanna see you, you know?
And I wanna, I wanna kiss you
and I wanna be with you.
- Mm.
- Sexually.
Oh.
I just really
wanna see you tonight!
Yeah, I-I know, but I think
it'll be out of my system soon.
I love you!
What?
I fucking love you, girl.
'I love you!'
Wow.
Okay, I get it,
you're sick, bye!
- That was weird.
- Huh?
He was just acting
super weird. I don't know.
- Sara, you gotta tell him.
- Are you kidding?
We are almost home free,
why would I tell him?
Oh, my God, like 100 reasons!
How do we know that
he still doesn't have something
inside of him, in his nards?
Uh, 'cause it's inside me now.
Okay, or, you know,
how 'bout the fact
that the father should step up,
maybe?
Why does Skyler get a free pass?
You're perpetuating some
serious patriarchal bullshit.
This is not the time
for a free the nipple uprising.
Sorry, but this all
started with Skyler, right?
What am I missing?
You've never had a boyfriend.
You wouldn't understand.
Ready?
[intense music]
You okay?
Uh, sure. I've just never done
this on a human before.
Uh..
Sorry, it's gotta reach
the uterus.
Uterotonic
can induce contractions
and ultimately labor.
- Uh-huh.
- 40cc's..
A little more.
Little more.
Oh, baby.
Okay.
[intense music]
[exhales]
Here we go.
[gasps]
[music continues]
[breathing heavily]
[whirring]
[gasping]
- Push!
- I did.
- Push harder!
- Why didn't it work?
- Dave!
- I don't know, it should've.
It must've hung on.
You-you're saying
it wants to stay inside?
The uterotonic, give me more!
- I can't!
- Why not?
Because this is dangerous stuff
and if I gave any more
it would risk terminating
the pregnancy altogether.
I realized what I said
as soon as it came out
of my mouth.
I'll get some more.
God, why would it
want to stay inside?
Maybe it's waiting
for something.
For what?
[door banging]
The other guy?
[intense music]
[knock on door]
Oh, fart.
Hey, me and Harris, and Alyssa
we're going down to Toto's
for some margaritas!
- Ooh! Ooh!
- Are you interested?
Oh, that sounds amazing,
but I think I'm gonna go home
and get ignored
by my daughter instead.
[laughs]
Alright, well,
I'm gonna go get drunk.
Okay. You have fun!
Be safe!
[phone vibrates]
Hello?
What?
What?
She's what?
[intense music]
[screeches]
(Kate)
'I can't even believe you.'
'I literally
cannot believe you!'
Mom, it's not what you think.
After everything we talked about
you go and you have
unprotected sex?
- You're not listening!
- She did, but...
- Stay out of this, Hayley!
- It was one time!
One's enough, Sara!
- Obviously, forget college.
- Okay, ma'am, uh...
Oh, you see these shows
where the girl gets pregnant
and the mom doesn't notice
anything.
How could you not notice?
And here I am,
and I didn't notice.
How couldn't I have noticed?
Ma'am, I need to ask the
girls some questions about...
Christ, Sare Bear. How could you
do this to yourself?
- Oh, you're one to talk.
- Excuse me, young lady?
- Don't young lady me.
- We're like, 15 years apart.
Yes, Sara, I was just like you
and I screwed up my life!
Okay, let's just, uh,
downshift here for a second.
Ah, ma'am, do you wanna
step out with me?
- But there's an alien...
- Alien. Right, I know.
Ah, I don't believe you.
- Hi.
- Uh, hi.
You're being allowed
in that room as a courtesy.
I have your daughter
at the scene of a serious crime
and what you're doing right now,
it's not helping me
and it's definitely not
helping your daughter.
Don't, you don't get
to lecture me.
Who do you think you are,
Officer Ruiz?
You're so off base here,
it's crazy!
You know you're like,
not supposed to touch me, right?
This whole thing is effed.
Yeah, it's kinda why
I didn't wanna involve cops
in the first place.
It is not my fault my parents
put a LoJack in my car.
I know. Just saying.
[sighs]
Sorry. It's just..
My mom's so up her ass.
And hey, where does she
get off yelling at you?
She's really pulling
a Water Zone 2010, huh?
"I went to get corn dogs
for you girls and you disappear?
I had them
checking the parking lot."
"Our home base
was the towels."
You're scared right now, okay?
I get it.
You're so condescending.
You have no idea what it's like!
I have a daughter too.
She's in Tampa with her mom.
She's only five, but if I were
in your shoes right now
I would also be freaking.
Right.
But your daughter's scared too
and she's fabricating
all of this alien stuff
because she doesn't
wanna be judged.
And the only way we're gonna
get some answers tonight
is if we approach the situation
with understanding, okay?
I'mma get a water.
You want a water?
I mean, your throat must be raw.
Hey, aren't you supposed to be
helping Ruiz with those girls?
After a cigarette.
You know he said that
two cigarettes ago, right?
- Did I?
- 'This guy.'
[intense music]
Sara... I... was
out of line before.
I overreacted.
I just hate to see you
making the same, ugh..
I'm sorry.
Do you wanna tell me
and this officer what happened?
[sighs]
I got pregnant
and what I gave birth to
was an alien.
Oh, dios mio! What happened
at that clinic, okay?
We've told you
like, a million times!
It's exactly what she said!
It's exactly...
Everyone out, I need
everyone out for a second!
- But...
- Out!
Let's go, you.
[intense music]
[dog barking in distance]
It's just you and me now, baby.
Now, I know
you didn't hurt anyone.
And we'll get that sorted out.
But right now, I just wanna
talk to you about you.
Whatever you're going through...
Mom, you have no idea
what you're talking about.
I know what this feels like.
I went through
the exact same thing.
I just wanna make sure
you're not punishing yourself.
Stop trying to help me!
I don't need
an after school special.
This is fucking worlds apart
from what you went through.
I'm not gonna end up
all sad and lonely
just, Jesus,
you make me wanna scream!
[Frankie screaming]
Frankie, you okay?
[intense music]
[screeching]
Told ya.
[growling]
Sir, are you aware
there's a lobster on your neck?
[low growl]
[screeching]
[guns firing]
[intense music]
[exhales]
[all screaming]
Holding cell,
lock yourselves in.
Mom!
[panting]
Wait! Don't come in!
- Dave?
- Just don't look.
I got nervous and had to deuce.
- Nobody look!
- No one's gonna look.
What the hell is going on, Sara?
What was that thing?
Okay, so Sara had sex
as you know, duh, whatever.
And then that thingy
came flying out of her vagina
like a T-shirt cannon
and started chasing us
and there's a second
one still inside Sara
and the first one wants
the second one for some reason.
- Got it?
- Uh, no.
See, so maybe you
should've listened earlier.
You guys.
What, what's wrong?
That thingy can hop off
and come in through bars.
We need a plan.
We don't even know
what it wants.
I've been thinking about that
and I have a theory.
Don't look!
It's tracking you, right?
Freaky deaky stuff.
The question is, why?
Now, this thing and its brother
are communicating
from a great distance
some kinda sonar, like a bat.
Maybe radio waves
gamma waves?
No, uh, it's radio waves.
Probably radio waves.
Yeah, science, science, science.
It already found us, Dave.
So, this guy inside of you
is telling his buddy
where you're at, why?
Well, in the animal kingdom
babies generally look
to their mama for one thing.
It wants to breastfeed?
It more wants to feed feed
in general on you.
Sorry.
- But..
- Way too long a pause, Dave.
The uterotonic is here.
- Utero what, what?
- Mom, shut up!
Where?
[screaming]
[gun firing]
[intense music]
[growling]
[thudding]
[groaning]
(male 1)
'It's a massacre!'
Everyone ready?
Oh, my God! Ah!
[whimpering]
Ew!
Oh, my God, you touched it,
you touched it!
[whimpering]
[gun firing]
[screeching]
[intense music]
[gasps]
[gasps]
Hi.
What the hell are you guys
doing here?
We're going to get
the utero thing, to, um..
I'm not really sure
I understand actually.
[chuckling]
That's funny.
Oh!
[screeching]
[creature whimpering]
[squelching]
[snarling]
Oh!
Give it at least a 100cc's,
ladies.
- What're you talking about?
- Get to the evidence room.
- But...
- Go!
[intense music]
[grunting]
[low snarling]
Groovy.
[screeching]
(Sara)
'Uh..'
Shit!
Oh, God!
Oh, shit!
Uh..
[grunting]
(male 2)
'Fire, fire!'
[explodes]
[screeching]
[intense music]
[grunting]
[snarling]
No!
[guns firing]
[intense music]
[creature screeching]
[crashing]
[snarling]
[thudding]
[low growling]
[breathing heavily]
[growling]
[screaming]
[growling continues]
[intense music]
[screeching]
[panting]
[low growling]
(Hayley)
'Sara?'
'Sara?'
You awake?
My mom.
I don't know.
We gotta go find her.
Yeah..
That's why we're here.
[instrumental music]
[cheering]
God, you are good at this.
Like really good at this.
It's just hand eye
coordination from gymnastics.
I hate it, but my mom
makes me do it, whatever.
Oh, wow.
She'll be right back.
- Blair.
- Oh, hey!
I told you to wait here for me.
I was just...
I don't care what you were just.
Kick ass party, Kiana.
Thanks, Jess,
you're so fucking sweet.
I love you so much.
Skyler bailed.
Sara obvi called him
and told him to leave.
She's so jealous, it's insane.
Jealous of what?
Me and Skyler's friendship.
We're friends.
We're really,
really good friends.
Like we could take a nap
together and it wouldn't
mean anything,
you know what I mean?
But Sara doesn't get that.
I mean, what's her problem?
She's ruining his life,
he should be here.
You should text him
and tell him to come back.
Jesus, Blair, he's with Sara.
Think before you speak.
This is all so fucked!
Sky, can I please just
talk to Hayley...
I just saw
a bunch of dead cops, Sara!
And I'm like, freaking out!
- She's talking about aliens?
- It's complicated...
This is like,
going to jail shit, Sara.
I need to know what's goin' on!
- We had sex.
- Yeah?
I woke up pregnant.
- Oh shit!
- Ugh!
Are you sure?
Then I gave birth
to, um..
An alien.
- Two aliens.
- Yeah.
And they have my mom
and I don't know where they are
and... I don't know
maybe the..
Maybe you, like, know something?
What the fuck
are you talking about?
I know this is so much
to unload on you
and I'm not like,
blaming you or anything.
But it is definitely your fault.
- Hayley!
- What's your whole thing, man?
- You think I'm an alien?
- I don't know.
That would make sense, right?
You leave town
and come back different.
Hayley, he's not an alien.
You said it yourself at Dave's,
he's acting weird.
- Hayley!
- What is she talking about?
- No, I was just...
- Why are you defending him?
I thought you wanted my help!
Oh, my God, shut up!
[sighs]
Hayley!
Can I please just
have a second with him?
[instrumental music]
[low growling]
[squelching]
[growling]
[intense music]
I don't know, mother,
you know, maybe
maybe I like being single, hmm?
You ever consider that?
After teaching all day,
all I wanna do
is just curl up with a book
a glass of milk,
an-and if I'm indulging
yes, a cookie.
Well, good for Florida.
You know, but here
in the real world
things are a little different.
I mean, it's not like I'm just
gonna bump into the person
I'm gonna spend the rest..
Oh!
Oh, I-I am so sorry.
I will pay for this.
Damn it.
Jesus!
[bell dings]
(female 1)
'No pets allowed here, lady.'
(female 2)
'It's not a pet.'
[low growling]
(female 2)
'Oh, my God! No, no!'
[screaming]
Hayley's just like,
looking out for me.
It's cool.
Yeah, so..
Like..
Do you know anything?
No, obviously!
Okay.
[sniffles]
[crying]
- What're you doing?
- I'm consoling you.
No, no, seriously,
something is going on with you.
I'm just trying
to be supportive, God!
You need to tell me
what happened in Mexico.
Nothing, I just chilled poolside
did that bullshit Spanish
assignment.
- Sipped Pina Coladas.
- That's it?
[sighs]
[intense music]
- What is that thing?
- It's a souvenir thing.
It's nothing, okay?
You're just overreacting.
I'm just trying to help.
I know, I just..
I wanted you to have answers.
[sniffling]
I'm gonna get you some tissues.
[instrumental music]
He's trying to help.
[footsteps]
[door opens]
[engine revving]
[electricity crackling]
[growling]
[screeching]
[roaring]
[squelching]
[growling]
That piece of shit, I knew it!
You called him out
on that thing and he freaked.
It's gotta mean something.
Well, you really heard
everything, huh?
It's a really thin door.
So, what do we do?
He mentioned
his summer homework, whatever.
Right?
Senorita Thompson
thinks he has dyslexia
so he's allowed to make
a video essay, I don't know.
Oh, so maybe there's something
about that thing
on his computer.
Yeah, that's what
I'm looking for.
Yeah, no, I..
Yeah.
Just get it together, bro.
Just get outta dodge.
[breathing heavily]
You're fine.
(man on radio)
'Favorite hits'
'that was The Funkosexuals'
'with "Let's Funk",
stick around.'
'This next one's guaranteed
to get you all moist.'
(woman on radio)
'Mattress so soft and warm.'
'Mm.'
[moaning]
'Pondering Mind on KCEW'
'with me today is novelist,
poet, political activist'
'and former adult film star..'
Oh, come on!
Yeah, there's nothing
in his dad's study either
just a bunch of signed
U2 posters.
Couldn't leave it alone,
could you?
Just, just needling him, Jesus.
What're we talking about
right now?
My mom's out there somewhere
with fucking aliens, Hayley
and you just scared off
our only chance of finding her.
Wait! Hold up,
you're blaming me?
I mean,
you kept going after him.
What did you expect to happen?
Sara, Skyler left
'because he couldn't man up
and take responsibility'
but we'll figure this out, okay?
How? How, how do we fix this?
I don't know, but we can..
I don't know, we'll, we'll...
Skyler was the answer
and now he's gone!
- That's what I've been...
- And it's ruined!
[grunts]
Forget Skyler.
We have made it this far
by ourselves, right?
- We will find a solution.
- Oh, my God.
Are you like, so naive
that you think
we're just gonna go back
to being best friends?
Is that why you've been trying
to break me and Skyler up?
So you can like, win me back?
What are you talking about?
This is insane!
I've spent this whole night
trying to help you.
And you love it,
every second of it
making me feel like shit.
"This is why you wear a condom.
You really should make
better life choices."
Well, you should. Sorry.
You understand this is why
we're not friends, right?
We're not friends 'cause
you ditched me sophomore year
when you got boobs before me.
No, we're not friends
'cause you're a judgy bitch.
I'm gonna be honest with you
because you can't do it
for yourself.
If you were not so obsessed
with keeping your fake ass
world spinning
and had one ounce
of self-respect
this whole night
would've never happened
and your mom wouldn't be dead.
I don't need this shit.
She don't gotta be minus
My girl
looking like a goddess
Afro daddy in the projects
That bitch shining
like August
She's a goddess
And she's a freak with it
She's a goddess
And she's a freak with it
She's a goddess
And she's a freak with it
She's a goddess
And she's a freak with it
Ol' Lucas in the mansion
Zeus couldn't
even buy the fan
All girls around
call me handsome
Makin' bubba's pop
like Hanson
I don't like to work
make my neighbors irk
[instrumental music]
[sniffling]
You found it.
I'm waiting
on this idiot driver.
It's locked so..
My brother does like, tech stuff
for this home security
company, you know.
Do you think he'd help?
Okay.
Thanks.
Car's outside.
[screeching]
[intense music]
[phone beeping]
[phone ringing]
Madre Vista Police Department.
[instrumental music]
Well, if it isn't the two
biggest nerds in Madre Vista.
You literally have tape
on your glasses.
Yeah, on the side,
it's different.
- Oh, okay.
- Oh, okay.
- Oh, okay.
- Oh, okay.
- Idiot!
- Idiot!
- Whose is it?
- Jerome.
- My ex's.
- Mm-hmm.
Revenge.
Tell me about this dude.
He's right here?
- Yeah, Skyler Cole.
- Ugh, sounds like a douche.
- Water polo?
- Lacrosse.
Hmm.
Are you like, hacking into it?
No, I'm guessing his password.
It's usually some combo
of farts and boobs
and yeah, boobfart69.
Oh, shit, okay.
Oh, uh, wh-whoa!
Oh, shit!
Uh, shit!
[moaning]
That was pornography.
[intense music]
[sighs]
Oh, my God.
Hola Senorita Thompson,
from Mexico.
I wanna thank you
from the bottom of my heart
for allowing me to do this
extra credit assignment
despite my crippling dyslexia.
I deserve an Ah in your class.
I know.
[burping]
[moaning]
Chilling poolside
with my lame ass dad.
Get some pina coladas!
Emilio, chicken fingers.
Let's just..
- Wait!
- Antique Mayan sword.
A macuahuitl.
It was basically used
by the ancient Mayans
to fight off their enemies,
not only physical
but also spiritual.
'The lady my dad
bought this from'
'says it possesses great power'
maybe even derived
from an ancient spirit.
It's leading me,
I-I-I can't control it!
Skyler, what the fuck
are you doing?
- Get out of here, get out!
- I'm sorry.
- Come on, I'm taking a shit!
- 'I'm going away, going away.'
Whoa, whoa, um, I can't! Oh!
Dad, I really, I can't control
it! I can't control it!
Give it!
Wait!
My parents dragged me to this
museum of anthropology
so, here I am
learning during the summer,
like an idiot.
As you can see
this room is filled
with various artifacts
of an expressive nature.
'Some of which anthropologists
believe'
to be devoted to fertility.
This is the most amazing art
I've ever seen.
The Mayans were geniuses,
and this is in a museum.
I mean, the level of detail.
Whoa!
Now, I'm Mayan too.
Ooh, yeah!
- No.
- Whoo!
'Fuck!'
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, that's okay, that's okay.
I'll just..
[sneezing]
(female 3) 'Now if you can exit this
way, you'll find yourself..'
[instrumental music]
Oh, my God.
[intense music]
Oh, Lord.
Psst.
- Thank you, thank you officer.
- It's inside?
- I-I-I don't, I don't know.
- Alright, that's okay.
Can you tell me
what happened in there?
I mean,
what's all the pink stuff?
I-I-I'm a li-little frazzled.
Okay, um
is there anything
you wanna tell me
before I go in there?
I'll never forget the screams.
Okay, okay.
[intense music]
[music continues]
Well, that's not great.
[intense music]
What the hell is that?
I think this thing says
your baby boy is growing up.
Great.
What's next, Skyler?
Go sit down,
your mother and I are not ready.
Oh, another one!
(Sara)
'They're fighting each other.'
Wait.
They're not fighting..
'...they're...'
- Fucking.
- I think it's a girl.
- 'She's gonna get...'
- Pregnant.
This is gonna spread.
But whoever drew these things
beat the thingies
because they were alive
at the end, right?
They made this, like,
Ikea manual for how to win.
If there's anymore drawings.
Oh, there!
[intense music]
- Don't love that.
- No.
The female's turning
into a giant spider thingy
and our only solution
is to, like
torch everything
and kill everyone?
My mom doesn't stand a chance.
The girl is turning
into a spider monster thingy.
If it's in its cocoon,
i-it's parked somewhere
and if we find the cocoon,
we find your mom
and we just kill these thingies
before they eff, boom!
Yeah, but, how are we
supposed to find the cocoon?
Ah, shit! Ow!
Dammit that burns, that burns!
That burns, that burns.
(Jerome) 'Interesting.
Yes, they have, sir.'
Thank you very much,
Mr. Harrington.
So..
There have been a few alarms
that have gone off tonight.
Some around the clinic,
some around that farm
and some at that
the police station.
Told you!
But..
There haven't been any
in the passed few hours.
What the hell?
Is that normal
for this time of night?
[sighs]
Yeah, totally. I mean... yeah.
What?
Nothing, nothing.
- What was it? You idiot!
- 'It's nothing!'
There's just one place
that hasn't set their alarm
at closing and they usually do.
[sighs]
[pulsing]
[intense music]
[phone ringing]
Sorry, the store is closed.
Please, just never call here
again.
Hello?
- Hello?
- Oscar?
- Sara?
- You're alive?
Oh, yeah, you too? Yay!
Wait, is that the cop
from the barns?
- Shut up, Jerome!
- Who's Jerome?
It doesn't matter.
- Is my mom there?
- Is your mom there?
- Wait, what?
- She's not there with you?
I don't know, she's, uh..
[intense music]
We'll take my car.
If we do this, we go hard.
I can't have you guys chickening
out at the last second.
Oh, you two little shit..
[tires screeching]
Just so you know, I wasn't gonna
shoot the propane. Bad idea.
I-I didn't even know that you
were in there, obviously
because then..
Well, it wouldn't have
killed her.
Wouldn't have killed her.
She's gonna be okay.
Oh!
[intense music]
[siren wailing]
[sighs]
[indistinct chatter]
[instrumental music]
What the hell?
[intense music]
No, no, I-I don't understand.
Those things are out there
and they're gonna eff
and we're screwed.
You work your whole life
to get in a college
an-and the world just ends.
And it doesn't even matter.
Oh, my God,
I have never been to Japan.
Holy shit!
What do these thingies need
to complete their life cycle?
High school hotties?
They need people to eff, right?
- Right?
- Okay.
So we know
they're looking for sex
'like, a lot of sex.'
They're out there right
now sniffing around
fo-for pheromones or gamma rays
or whatever
all leading to like..
- An orgy?
- Yeah! Kind of.
Well, where are we gonna
find an orgy in Madre Vista?
You mean like a big,
sweaty group of people
ready to go to the bone zone?
- Kiana's party!
- There's a party?
Oh, yeah, sorry.
No, it's cool, but, oh, shit!
Kiana's party,
that's gotta be it.
We don't have a lot of time
if the whole party gets gassed
we'll have 100
Skyler level horndogs
making 200 thingies and..
Math will happen.
So, the plan is, get to Kiana's.
- Evacuate the party.
- Take out the thingies.
- Stop the baby gas.
- Save my mom.
Save the world.
Shit, yeah.
[dramatic music]
[intense music]
[low growling]
[growling]
[tires screeching]
- Wait, wait, wait!
- What?
Your butt's kinda hanging out.
Oh, thanks.
[instrumental music]
- Shall we? Okay.
- Yep.
Uh..
Aliens!
Aliens are coming!
Um, cops!
Cops, yes!
Guys, guys, we gotta bail!
5-0 rolling up any minute.
No, they're not.
The neighbors have been
calling 'em all night.
But they haven't shown up yet.
Probably 'cause they're busy
jerking it.
Cody, shut the fuck up!
Okay, alright, yeah.
They're not coming
because they're all dead.
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
No, just, ugh.
Everyone needs
to get out of here.
Where's Kiana?
[intense music]
Oh, you idiot.
- Did you finish?
- Good knocking, asshole.
- Sara?
- Did you finish?
- I thought you weren't coming!
- I don't care, Kiana.
Skyler, did you finish?
No, Sara, I didn't finish,
alright?
So can you get out?
[grunting]
What the hell, Sara?
Okay, seriously, everyone
needs to get out of here.
What are you doing?
You're being a crazy person.
He doesn't like you, Kiana.
He's just turning into
some kinda sex freak.
Come on, this energy's so right.
Let's just do it
in front of everyone!
You are all junked up
with alien sex gas, you idiot.
Hi, who the fuck are you again?
She's with me.
Forget about them.
Kiana, I love you.
Well, fine!
Sara, babe, I'm sorry.
Let's just do it.
It'll be like old times
in front of all of these people.
[grunting] This is why we
broke up in the first place.
I'm sick of begging!
Somebody better fuck me right..
[thudding]
Skyler!
Okay, truth bomb.
I had sex for the first time
the other night.
Okay, yeah, whatever.
The point is
I gave birth tonight.
Yeah, and what I gave birth
to was fucking aliens.
[screeching]
One hundred percent
not playing, okay.
So seriously,
everyone needs to clear out
because they are coming..
[screeching]
right..
Now!
[intense music]
Ugh, Kiana.
Now I'm gonna have to
kick your ass.
[dramatic music]
[electric crackling]
No problem, man.
[humming]
[low growling]
[all screaming]
[grunting]
[instrumental music]
[grunting]
Whoa.
[indistinct singing on stereo]
[screeching]
[clattering]
[shattering]
[screeching]
No, no, no, no!
[indistinct singing on stereo]
[gasping]
Just so you know,
I had no idea about Skyler
and I really
value our friendship.
I'm too high to move!
[growling]
[instrumental music]
[low growling]
[intense music]
[gasps]
[all screaming]
Um..
[intense music]
[grunting]
Hayley?
[groans]
Hayley?
[snarling]
[low growling]
[intense music]
[Sara choking]
[screaming]
[grinder whirring]
[dramatic music]
So, what's our plan?
Save my mom, save the world.
You're not going by yourself,
you could die.
Maybe.
But I'm the one
who started all this.
Sara!
[floorboard creaking]
[intense music]
[breathing heavily]
[music continues]
Mom!
Sara?
[grunting]
[squelching]
[gasping]
I'm so sorry, mom.
Oh, Sare Bear.
You have nothing
to be sorry about.
[crying]
[low growling]
Uh..
[intense music]
Uh..
[low growling]
Okay.
Let's just..
[breathing heavily]
Okay, okay.
[grunting]
[growling]
[roaring]
Oh, shit!
[roaring]
Oh, shit!
[grunting]
[screaming]
[screeching]
[dramatic music]
[roaring]
Plan B!
[screeching]
[intense music]
[chuckles]
- What's up?
- Sup?
[dramatic music]
[screeching]
[grunting]
(Kiana) 'I'm just saying,
you deserve a little more vacation'
okay, daddy, take a few days
take a week even, I'll be fine.
Take a month.
No, I know you can't
actually take a month.
My gymnastics career is ruined.
My mom is gonna be so angry.
[instrumental music]
Is it over?
Hey, hey, is it over?
- Oh, hey.
- Hi.
Listen, d-do you wanna
go out with me?
- Yeah. Uh, yeah.
- Yeah?
I realize this is probably an
awkward time to be doing this.
'Also, I crashed my car'
'it's kinda hard to drive
with one eye.'
So, this is what
parties are like?
Yeah, but the monsters
are usually way bigger.
[laughing]
[music continues]
[instrumental music]
[music continues]
[music continues]
[music continues]
[muffled screaming]
[intense music]