Snatchers (2025) Movie Script
1
[eerie sci-fi music]
Constance!
Come take a rest with me
and sit on my porch a while, eh?
I guess that should be all right.
-You were in the city recently?
-Yes.
Is it true you cannot see stars there?
Yes, it's true...
...for they have such tall buildings
and electric lights.
'Tis strange to think the stars
should have competition.
They do...
...but Constance...
...thou does not.
I should like to see it one day.
Really?
For I would very much like to
show it to thee.
I can right now if you want.
Oh, I mean the city!
Oh, okay.
Oh, well, then.
Thou might accompany me to the farmer's
market tomorrow.
Could I?
Oh, it would be my honor.
We might even partake in some... modern
conveniences.
No, you mean liquid soap?!
The inn provides it in tiny bottles!
Oh, Jeb.
But that would be an overnight trip.
My father would never allow it.
I've been courting thee for eight weeks.
We should be married by now.
I think it's at least time
that we took things to the next level.
Are we ready?
Oh, god
I'm so ready right now it hurts.
Constance, it is a perfect, night. Ahh,
the stars are all out.
What say you?
Shall we...
...hold hands?
But that's Mennonite third base!
I know, but I just want to make
physical contact with any part of thy body
that is not entirely covered in fabric.
Please?
Pretty... please?
Please, just let me. Please?
God won't mind,
I swear.
[music swells]
[roaring sound]
[in German] Holy shit!
We have sinned!
[explosion]
Holy shit!
Oh, Jesus. I'm sorry, god.
Forgive me, god. Jeb made me.
He made me. Jeb raped my wrists!
Constance, wait! No... I...
[in Spanish] Hi, I'm Rosa
[in Spanish]
Do you have a tampon?
Oh, hi.
Sorry, um, I don't speak Spanish.
No, hablo.
[in Spanish]
Are you joking with me?
I wanted to take Spanish, but
my parents pushed Latin for med school.
I'm actually only working as a maid
because I'm making a documentary.
This whole expos about how the U.S.
treats Mexican immigrants like yourself.
[in Spanish] I'm from Venezuela.
Right? It's awful.
So, yeah, making a doc about it.
[in Spanish]
Great, a goddamn Morgan Spurlock!
You're angry at the system,
and I totally get it.
I'm on your side.
Love trumps hate, right?
[door slams]
Wow. That was really authentic.
Fucking Brooklyn.
Once this was a sewer
crawling with human garbage,
animals who'd slit your throat over
a scratch-off lottery ticket.
Now it's all gentrified,
and these manicured parks are
teeming with bearded bloggers
in Japanese selvage jeans drinking
direct trade full immersion coffees,
reading Infinite Jest.
Brie?
-Yes?
-You're in the stroller lane.
What, you mean like the crosswalk?
I need you to apologize to my son,
Coltrane.
He's the injured party here.
There were bodegas
drugs and gangsters, all gone...
replaced by Whole Foods and single malts
and fucking improv teams.
Makes me want to vomit in my own car,
which would then at least
smell like old Brookyln.
Hi... Is your kale the patriarchy
salad GMO free?
Of course. But this is a
food truck food truck.
We cater to the other food trucks only.
So I can't order anything?
No offense,
but everything we do is small batch
farm to table, paleo, vegan,
and we prefer a clientele that gets it.
So other food trucks.
Let's call it a day, Gem.
I want to get off Bedford before the
bridge and tunnel and start showing up.
Aces.
One day will rain will come
and the sewer will back up,
and then...
And then the sewer will reclaim its own.
Goodbye juice bar yoga studio work shares,
hello old Brooklyn.
Lulu, I know it's our money,
but vintage Captain Planet shirts
don't just pop up on Etsy every day.
Of course, and I don't fault you for that.
But expedited shipping?
I mean, I waited two weeks for my
crocheted pink pussy hat.
Oh, hey, nice kale.
-Two ladies at third base!
-Yeah, come back on Rumspringa,
-we'll show you how it works.
-We are Mennonite.
We don't have Rumspringa.
What do you guys do?
I can drive a truck.
Rumspringa seems better.
You get to see a whole new world.
It's like the Little Mermaid with beards.
What may we interest
thee lovely ladies in today?
We have ahh, beautiful heirloom
tomatoes, cucumbers,
fresh raw honey, homemade apricot jelly.
I don't know.
Do you have anything unusual?
I think we have just the thing.
What is that?
Where'd you find these?
We didn't find them.
We didn't find them.
Ahhh...
It's called Mennonite Corn.
Mennonite Corn! From the mother country
and brought back from olden times.
It's certainly not new,
and totally safe.
Definitely safe.
Does it taste good?
How do you cook them?
No, no, no, no, no, you don't...
You don't cook them.
They're best enjoyed raw.
You have to eat it raw.
When are they ripe?
-Three days.
-Three days.
Okay. I'm Instagramming this shit.
Everybody say corn hole.
Corn hole!
Corn... hole?
And today on the big show
we're going to talk about
the meteorite that lit up the sky
on Sunday night.
The big surprise:
No warning, Wendy.
Right?!
I... I mean, if a space rock can penetrate
our airspace undetected,
why can't terrorists?
Yeah, we got to get the government
to fix our broken space borders.
Let's go to the phones
and find out what's going on.
Hello, Jersey City. You're on the radio.
Hey, Scott, You still on that all
cookie diet?
Lost six pounds, Goofball.
Shut up!
Look at me!
Oh, hello.
Good morning. Hello, Mr. Hi!
(In Arabic)
Here he is! That dick hole
(In Arabic)
who thinks he's in Reservoir Dogs!
(In Arabic) Is he a cop? FBI?
(In Arabic)
No, he works for the fucking
(In Arabic)
Food and Drug Administration!
(In Arabic)
No way, is that true?
(In Arabic)
Yes! I saw his ID the other day.
(In Arabic)
He acts like Serpico but he's really
(In Arabic)
just the guy who warns you to wash your
(In Arabic)
cabbage good so you don't get the shits!
(In Arabic)
Too much milk, just like you like it!
(In Arabic)
You probably didn't get enough
(In Arabic)
from your mama's titties!
(In Arabic)
Go suck your mama's titties,
(In Arabic) "Cabbage Serpico!"
[laughing]
Thanking you. Have good day. Yes.
Thank you.
[in Arabic]
Son of a bitch, fuck his mother.
[laughing]
[splurting noise]
Oh!
Ugh...
I guess it's not ripe yet.
Uhhh...
Hey, how you doing?
This guy!
All right... Nope? Alright.
Keeping busy?
Hey, there he is.
And there he goes.
Hey, Chief! Ya needed to see me?
Two things:
One, I'm not the chief of anything.
And two, I have never,
and will never need to see you.
So... what do we got?
A non-smoking womb:
Cigarettes and your uterus.
This is what we got, Todecky.
If you don't like it,
maybe you should apply for the FBI again.
I would, but the bureau and I
are not seeing eye to eye these days.
Ever since I got a little too close.
Too close to what?
Passing their entrance exam?
What the fuck is that?
Completely inappropriate language
for the workplace.
And this...
is a photo...
someone tweeted to us. Some woman
who runs a food truck
with weird looking,
probably Photoshopped, corn.
It's a joke, Todecky.
You can take a joke, can't ya'?
I can take a joke.
As a matter of fact...
here's a joke for you.
How much does a pirate pay for corn?
How much?
How much what?
How much does a pirate pay for corn?
I don't know.
But I do know that this is an undocumented
vegetable, and I'm going to find it.
It's out there somewhere.
I'm gonna need that, actually.
[typing]
Buck an ear...
Hah!
So dumb.
G'day, ladies.
Oh hey! It's the artisinal
pickle truck chick.
I wish.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
What's the name of your truck again?
Pickledilly Circus.
Do you have the blood sausage
seitan wrap today?
Sure, Wiccan kale on the side?
Please, and thank you.
Oi!
Hello, my lovely.
What have you got back there?
Um... Menopause, Corn?
Mennonite!
Ooh, I'd relish the chance to pickle you!
See what I did there?
Good stuff.
We were thinking of making it into a
corn and beet salsa
but it didn't really work out.
You can have 'em if you want 'em.
Splendid.
Take that artisanal pickle truck chick.
Brie!
[in Spanish] What's happening?
Uh huh... You too.
Haha! You crack me up, mami.
Hey, Brie.
Yeah?
How's that uh... documentary thing going?
Still figuring it out.
You know, uh. I can't tell if I want it to
an Errol Morris
looking into the camera type of thing
or more of a following you around type.
Or maybe it's not a doc at all.
You know, maybe it's like a Humans
of New York type of thing.
Or maybe it's just a series
of oil paintings that I make with my butt.
Mmm hmm.
You know, just put some paint on my butt,
sit on some canvas,
roll around and frame it.
Totally.
You should just go talk to her.
Right... I'm gonna go over there,
talk to her, ask her out on a date.
No, no, no, that's too direct.
Putting some secret messages into the code
that we're working on.
Secret messages? Yeah.
She codes in Ruby
so I think she's going to pick up
what I'm putting down.
Uh huh.
Such an intuitive platform.
So sexy.
Hey, kids. Who's hungry?
I'm hittin' the food trucks,
and my wallet's feeling loose!
Hey, Roger,
is it okay if I leave a bit early tonight?
My boyfriend has an art show.
Sweet!
What medium?
He does found object, uh,
mixed media stuff...
I'm not really sure to call them.
Very cool! Rad.
So is it okay?
Okay? I mean
I think artistic expression is
vital. It's what makes us human.
No... Is it okay if I leave early?
Ah, well, time is just a construct,
isn't it?
So early and late...
they're abstractions too,
you know what I mean?
So...
Yeah, you can leave early. Jeez.
God... why do I even try?
What are you nerds eating?!
Petition signatures, my ass.
What are you talking about?
She's from Teach for America.
What's she teaching America?
How to dress like a whore.
[struggling noises]
[screams]
You seen this weird plant?
You a cop?
Do I look like a cop?
Yes?
Thanks.
So you seen it or not?
Maybe if you buy something
I'll remember,
tough guy.
Hey, this is fun. It's
kind of like Rockford Files.
Alright, give me a hot dog.
Oh, sure.
I'll just get one off of this
greasy, spindly stainless steel thing.
I don't see anything.
No, you don't,
because it's not a goddamn hot dog cart.
It's a hand-crafted
mobile Belgian Waffle Cafe.
Fine, I'll take a waffle.
Great, sir. What would you like on it?
Syrup.
Oh, sure.
And should I also
just take a big shit on it?
Keep your shit waffle and tell me,
where have you seen this weird plant?
Oh, I remember now.
Yeah, I think the pickle guy had one,
which pickle guy was that, Ramone?
Was it Pickle Down Economics?
No. Maybe, uh, Cuke of Earl?
No, he died.
Really?
That's so sad.
Was it the lesbian one? Closer to Brine?
No, but speaking of lesbians,
this little lady here, that's Gem.
She and her partner, uh... Lulu
they run the Food Truck Food Truck.
Okay, so tell me, where is this
Food Truck Food Truck?
What the fuck do I look like? Google Maps?
All right...
[bullhorn] Ladies and gentlemen,
[bullhorn] players of all ages,
[bullhorn] dig if you will,
[bullhorn] The White Duke!
Whoa!
Well, my old friend Paul Todecky.
Haven't seen you since Mathletes.
Long time, Kev.
No, I dropped that slave name.
It's all white Duke these days.
So what brings you to my kingdom?
Kings have a kingdom.
You're a duke.
So what do Dukes have?
Duchys!
-Really? Duchys?
-Yep.
So what brings you to my duchy, Todecky?
I'm looking for something.
Well, I hope it's a tailor,
cause you look like a Blues Brother.
[bullhorn] Yah burnt!
[laughing]
So what do you want?
I'm looking for a weird vegetable.
Well, if you want something from my duchy,
you got to kiss my ringy.
No, thanks. I'm hypoglycemic.
More for me.
I ain't seen it.
It worth money?
No, but it's illegal.
-And if you eat it, it might make you sick
-Hah!
Don't worry about me.
Only thing that I eat these days
are these damn fine
Belgian waffles...
and pussy!
I'll have powdered sugar and cocoa.
Thanks, Ramone.
[fabric rustling]
[message notification]
[fabric rustling]
[message notification]
[fabric rustling]
[message notification]
[fabric rustling]
Ray Ray, this... is... something.
Hey, Jody.
Sorry, babe,
she's an important critic.
So this sculpture.
Sculpture, please, Brie,
don't be reductive.
I'm a painter who paints with the shed
husk of post-millennial consumerism.
Right.
So... this... piece?
I was trying to illuminate the plight of
the defacto slave laborers
of so-called emerging countries.
What's it called?
Sock Cocks.
So I saw this weird thing at work today.
One of the toilets had, like, a glow.
Probably something in the water.
NSA trying to keep tabs.
On our poop?
The last frontier of personal privacy.
Well, I'm going to tell maintenance
because I just think it's...
Oh, please, Brie...
Do we have to discuss your participation
in a corrupted capitalist hegemony?
No, you're right. I mean
this is your event,
and I want to be supportive,
but I was thinking maybe after
we could go back to my place...
Yo, Ray Ray! Where dat after-party, son?!
Brie's place!
Really?
I thought I'd just be tonight.
Brie...
you're being really proletarian right now.
I guess it's cool if they come.
Um...
what time?
We'll be over later.
Gotta hit up the store first.
See? This is why you don't need money.
Some slaves to the class system
just provided me
a whole bottle of gin
with at least an ounce left in it
AND two thirds of a miso soup.
Hello?
Someone's coming!
This is completely legal, madam.
Once you throw something away,
you forego all claim to it.
It's all in my Tumblr manifesto.
Don't worry. I'm not with the authorities.
Are you hungry?
I've got some leftovers for my food truck.
Yeah, that's great.
It's nice to get food before
it gets that dumpster smell.
It's quite all right.
I'm glad I found you.
I've been looking for somebody
to give this to.
Waste not, want not.
This is awesome.
I feel like Europeans really get
my philosophy, you know?
Despite the fact that you
continue to support
that ridiculous monarchy and everything.
No offense.
None taken.
Thanks again.
This really made my night.
I'm certain of it.
Great DJ'ing tonight.
The mixing part was really good...
or dope.
Probably.
[In Spanish] This is your place?
[In Spanish]
What are you, rich or something?
Sorry, I didn't habla that?
Or abla... I don't know.
I dropped out of college
and I was going to do Doctors
Without Borders,
but it was just such a commitment.
So, I took a sabbatical.
You know back-packed, and...
Wow, you can hold your breath
for a long time.
Any idea when Ray Ray
is gonna be back,
or where he is, or...?
Everyone!
The bounty of a decaying
economic construct!
[cheers]
Some pomme frites in there, I think.
Brie, baby
see if you could whip something up
with this while I say hi to everyone else.
Uhh, can I talk to you for a second?
[exhausted sigh]
What now?
Just all these people in my parents place.
I know, I'm really embarrassed
by this apartment too.
It's a really crass display of wealth.
I'm only crashing here until I find out
if my documentary
got into South by Southwest.
So?
So, in the meantime,
I can't let anything happen
to any of their stuff.
Baby...
you're doing your parents a favor.
Your stuff just ends up owning you.
And I don't disagree...
but, you know.
It's like the piece I did about the slow
disintegration of capitalism.
Which one was that?
Bottlecap Buttholes.
Right. With...
all the butt holes.
Um...
Ray Ray, it's just
your friends are always here
and I just feel like, you know, you and I
don't really get to spend any time alone.
Are you really still nagging me
about this?
Look, Brie, I know you're really
into our sexual liaisons,
which I find perfectly adequate.
But, I'm an emerging artist,
and my time has demands
that supersede your base urges.
Okay, well, so sorry
I want to be with you.
I'm not cooking your trash.
And me, and my urges, are going to bed.
[in Arabic]
Good morning, regular customer.
[in Arabic] I suppose you will be making
your usual coffee and newspaper purchase.
[in Arabic] You will find
everything in its proper place.
[in Arabic]
Just as you might any other day.
[in Arabic]
Nothing out of the ordinary here!
[in Arabic] Please use caution
as the coffee is quite hot.
[in Arabic]
You are still using too much milk.
[in Arabic]
Are you not all lactose intolerant?
[in Arabic] I am.
[in Arabic] As am I.
[in Arabic] Thank you for
your patronage once again!
Hey, Luis.
I meant to tell you the other day
I saw something
weird in one of the bathrooms.
One of the toilets had, like, a glow.
I'm aware of the situation.
Who else did you mention this to?
Just you. Why?
I don't want anyone to worry.
Some cleaning supplies
got dumped by accident.
It's nothing. Forget it.
Okay.
Well, then, should I just, like,
[door slams]
Go fuck myself?
Yeah, sure. Cool. Will do.
I'm sorry to bother you,
but can you tell me if you've seen
something like that in the area?
Ahh...
I don't think so.
Nahhh...
Hey, can I ask you a few questions?
Actually, I'm...
wait, I know you!
You're the FDA guy.
Tom... Jones?
Yeah!
Paul Todecky.
Most people call me Todecky.
Brie, right?
Right, right. I, uh,
I interviewed you for that
documentary piece I was doing on GMOs.
Yeah. Did that ever air?
Because I would love a copy.
No, um, I was going to submit it to This
American Life, but then Serial happened
And then I realized that long
form podcast docu-dramas were the future.
So I just... I shelved it.
Awww, you never finished it.
That's terrible.
You were so fired up about GMOs.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then, uh, you took me on that
weird date to a drugstore.
No, I took you to Charles's
Coffee Shop from Taxi Driver.
They tore it down now and they
put up a Duane Reade in its place.
Right, um. I ordered Altoids
and a SmartWater.
Some advice,
don't take a girl
on a Taxi Driver themed date.
I'm sorry, you're saying
don't do that?
Right. Do not.
Okay.
Great movie, though.
Look, I got to get back to work,
so...
Oh, great! I'll walk with you.
Okay.
So did you finally get into the FBI?
Are you investigating someone?
Ahhh, no. I'm still with the FDA for now.
FBI application's still pending.
But this is an investigation.
Food related investigation.
That doesn't seem like a real thing.
Oh, it's a real thing.
-You work around here?
-Yes.
I am also investigating for a documentary
that I'm working on.
You know, cleaning toilets.
You seen anything weird?
I'm cleaning toilets, so...
yeah.
The other day, I saw one that looked like
someone ate a purple glow stick.
And you didn't call me?
Why would I have called you?
Are you a gastroenterologist?
I'm doing an investigation
on glowing purple plants.
You find glowing purple stool.
There's got to be a connection.
Well, I promise. From now on,
you are my
go-to strange-shits guy.
I wanted to tell the maintenance man,
but he was acting weird.
Weird? Like how? Like...
not himself?
I don't know.
I think I need to see what you saw.
I think we need to get down
into the sewers.
Sewers, uh huh.
Or, you can come inside
like a normal person, you know, without
having to go into a disgusting sewer.
That's another way, I guess
I was thinking we can make healthy candy
necklaces, you know?
Yes, right?
Hey, what's going on?
I couldn't use all the corn you gave me,
so I brought this back.
Did that thing grow?
Yes. Nice and ripe,
like the Thames on a hot summer's day.
Never been. Thanks.
My pleasure.
I like her hat.
I think I could pull it off.
Thank you for agreeing to talk to me
today.
Could you tell me a little bit
about what you do here?
Oh, well, we're developing
this social networking app
that allows you to communicate with people
who are in your immediate vicinity.
That would be right around you?
Yes. It's called I. C. U., the,
the letters.
It's... it's for people that you see,
like, right in front of you.
People at a party, or a bar, or
even someone who's been right there
the whole time.
Why don't you just talk to 'em?
We've done extensive research.
So extensive.
You could live right next to a person
or even work right
next to them every day
and never tell them how you feel.
Our studies show.
-So it's for dating.
-Fuck yes.
Okay, well,
why don't you tell me if there's anything
going on around here
that's different lately?
Well, you changed your hair.
No, not like that.
I mean, something out of the ordinary.
Like, ahh, this
for example.
Have either of you two seen this plant?
May I see that?
Who the hell is he?
Roger Nordquist, I run the Office.
Roger, what's with the tie?
I'm your boss. A tie is customary.
Please return to your workstations.
Thank you.
You like his tie? I got ties.
I heard the FDA was here
conducting some sort of investigation.
I just want you to know
we're happy to cooperate
with the federal government in anyway.
We appreciate that. So,
have you seen that plant?
No, I don't believe so. What is it?
I don't know.
And if I don't know, shouldn't be out
there.
Wow. Must be nice to know everything
about your field, Mr...?
Todecky.
And it's a burden
I live with every day of my life.
Well, if I do see one,
I will certainly call the FDA immediately.
Let me show you out.
Would you mind if I used your restroom?
You'll have to use the
first floor restrooms, actually.
These are closed for cleaning.
You know, you eat from here right
down, right?
Yeah.
Got it.
Thanks.
Hey, Brie!
Twice in one day.
So, how'd it go?
The bathrooms are closed for cleaning.
I couldn't get in.
It's weird.
We usually clean them at night.
Someone must have made a mess in there.
-Oh, yeah?
-Don't.
If it was weird shit, I'll call you.
-Let me see if I still have you in here.
-Should still be the same number.
I haven't changed it.
Might be under Tom Jones.
It's under Duane Reade.
Well, still, if you wanna do something
sometime, just give me a call.
You know, we could talk about the...
-I'm actually seeing a guy right now.
-Sure.
Probably take you to some non Taxi
Driver themed restaurant.
He doesn't actually believe in money
or doing things one on one.
It's more of a communal thing.
Well as long as you're happy.
Yeah, I'm totally happy.
Good. It's nice to see you again.
It's nice seeing you too, Todecky.
-You're going to give me a call?
-About the weird shit,
yes. Duane Reade. In my phone.
Yep.
Yeah.
Are you sure about the sewer?
I'm sure.
[tense music]
Excuse me, sir. If you...
[knocking]
Who are you?
-Name's Todecky.
-You a cop?
No. No cop.
You're dressed like a cop.
Did you want to be one
like, when you were a little boy?
Yeah, I guess. But I swear I'm no cop.
Oh, why not, man?
I mean, if it was, like, your dream.
Too much of a wild card,
and they don't like that.
Same reason I stop selling
life insurance to animals.
It's just too many variables.
Maybe you should follow your dream.
[knocking]
I don't care
what kind of a flophouse you're running.
It's not a flophouse. It's an Airbnb.
Do you have people in here
illegally subletting this apartment?
-Yes.
-That's a flophouse!
Now get the man in black.
I want to talk to him,
or I'm running you in.
[knocking]
Well, what's your name, friend?
Why should I tell thee?
Because if you going to keep following me,
I want have something else to call you
rather than that
asshole who keeps following me.
Fair enough. I'm Jeb.
I've seen thee asking around
about this unusual corn.
Yes?
Yeah. What do you know about it?
Thou would not believe me if I told thee.
Try thee.
Me. Try me.
No... I cannot.
Thou will think I'm verruckt.
I will not think you're [mumbles]
No matter how crazy it is.
I swear to Amish Jesus.
Okay, I am not Amish.
Well, whatever.
If it comes out of your mouth,
I'm going to believe it.
Oh, no, no, I can not.
What if I guess?
Seems unlikely.
What if we both say it at the same time,
-what we think is behind all this?
-Same time?
Okay.
-One, two, three.
-One, two, three.
-The government!
-Aliens!
Wait, what?!
-That corn is not of this world.
-That is not what I thought you'd say.
Here's what happened,
I was finally getting to third base when..
Hey, wait. What the?
[ominous music]
Wait!
Don't, don't you want to hear
what I know of these things?
Jeb...
I don't know if you know this, but
I don't exactly fit in. All right?
You might not know what that's like.
Well, I am a Mennonite.
I just always thought
I was meant for something bigger,
you know, more important.
And when I saw that picture
of those plants, I thought, this is it.
These weird colored penis plants
are my ticket outta here.
They do look like man root!
But if I go to the FDA with that,
they're going to laugh me out of a job.
The FDA. It's one step above shoveling
animals off the side of the highway.
No. Count me out.
No, but I, I... I must have help.
You're modern world is...
is strange to me with... with your
compact discs and your, and your gelato.
No, no, no. I must.
You have to help me. You help me out!
[slap]
-Aah!
-Ohhh!
[in German] God in heaven!
I'm am sorry.
I... ohhh.
[in German] Please forgive me.
Ya' kick like a mule.
I understand that reference.
I've never slapped anyone before.
Was it really painful?
It was kind of empowering, actually.
I'm still not believing any of your
government bullshit.
Look, look. Forget what I said, all right?
Who cares what caused the...
the fiery ball in the sky?
The government, aliens, a vengeful god...
I will take thee to it and
thou can see for thyself.
Fiery ball...
Like the meteor in the papers?
Well,
I don't read the devil's handbills but,
but yes, this I saw with mine own eyes.
Okay, well,
we got to get one to figure it out.
Tell you what, my horseless
carriage is over there.
Follow me and let me do
the talking, Witness.
Go on, mock my appearance all thou likes.
We're wearing essentially
the same thing, ya' know.
[mysterious music]
...and this Russian hacktivist B.S...
How they gonna hack our eyes?
I don't think so, Wendy.
This is a government cover up,
which explains why they crashed it out
in the middle of Amish country.
No camera phones, no social media
that way, if they come to take us away.
They were speaking about my cornfield.
I was going to bring those
strange alien plants
to market to... to sell to your
confusing hipster people.
But my schnickelfritz cousins beat me
to it. When I caught up with them...
they were no longer my cousins.
I can't explain how,
but they were different.
Changed.
I knew it was the plant,
so I decided to investigate as you are.
Where dost thou think they'll be?
Dunno.
The food trucks are usually lined up
along here, but they're not here now.
Todecky, is this thy personal car?
Yeah. '73 Buick LeSabre. Why?
Oh... it's, it's really old.
[laughs]
Tis' older than my truck.
And I'm... I'm supposed to use old things.
Hey man, this car is from a better time.
Back when you had to be
a bare chested pimp,
or shave your head into a mohawk...
hide a gun up your sleeve.
Simple.
Used to drive a car like this,
you got respect.
[laughs]
That's...
[laughs]
Oh...
I do not think so.
[sighs]
This music...
Ugh!
It's terrible.
The singer, he sounds like a...
like a goat giving birth.
I worked really hard on this.
[keys in door lock]
[gentle piano music]
Brie, you're home.
What's all this?
Is this all from the trash?
What?
No, this from a Greenmarket.
I thought I'd cook you some dinner.
You've been working so hard lately...
we haven't really had
that much alone time.
Hah...
Um.
This is... so nice.
I.. I'm, I'm speechless.
You deserve it.
Why don't you take a load off until
dinner's ready, maybe take a nap?
You must be tired.
Not that tired. Why don't you
come lay down with me?
But you look tired.
-I do?
-Very.
It must be exhausting documenting
human suffering while cleaning urinals.
Well, I am kind of stressed but,
I'd really rather bone to be honest.
Go lay down.
Everything's gonna be ready very soon.
Fine.
[synth pulse]
[synth pulse]
That thing got big.
[ominous synth music]
[music builds]
Something's not right.
No guys walking around with a big
boa constrictor on their shoulders...
Well, that's strange.
It is all strange to me.
Thy women... just walking
around with their hair uncovered.
Just out in the open. It's hot.
Oh, can I see that photo
thou hast been showing around?
Yeah, take a look.
Oh, yes, hah. I know them.
These are two of the lesbian women
who sometimes buy my produce.
You sure?
Oh, I remember. Where I come from
one does not often see two ladies
hand fornicating with each other.
Nice wrists. [phone ringing]
Gimme that.
Todecky.
Uh... hey, it's Brie.
I... I found a weird shit.
Where are you?
At my apartment, and...
my boyfriend's acting really weird.
Weird, how?
Nice, I guess.
And I, I found that glow again.
All right, get out of there.
I can't just leave.
He's making me dinner.
You have to.
I think that glow might be dangerous.
Get out.
And, Brie,
if your boyfriend took that shit?
Yeah.
Stay away from him!
Meet me at your office in half an hour.
Brie?
[subway noises]
If you see Edie, just don't tell her.
Who cares? We tossed her corn.
It doesn't matter.
She's not going to cry about it.
I just think it could be considered
offensive within the community.
Where the fuck are the other trucks?
Where is everyone? Yeah.
Why isn't anyone lined up?
Normally would be slammed by now.
Hey, what's going on?
Where'd you get all that Mennonite corn?
Where's yours?
Ahhh, we were into it
before it got real popular.
Gave ours away to Edie
from the pickle truck.
Which pickle truck?
Brine of the Times?
I forget. Um, maybe Smirkin' Gherkin?
It doesn't matter. Take this one.
Ahh, no we're...
cool.
That was weird, right?
Lulu, start the truck.
Yeah, I think that's a good idea.
Lesbians!
What the fuck, man?!
It's me, Jeb, from the market.
Quickly, follow us!
Look at this menu.
Absolutely nothing is pan seared.
Is there anything vegan?
I can't find the chutneys.
-I'm not seeing anything locally sourced.
-It's farm to table.
That's what I do.
Would all of you just stop
your gibberish? You two,
I've been looking for you for a while,
ever since you uploaded
that picture to Instagram.
I oughta bust you right now
for trafficking in illegal vegetables.
Is he a cop?
FDA, and he's really sensitive about it.
Look, something weird's going down.
We all gotta share information.
Great idea.
Let's table it.
What if we all left here
and went to the tapas truck? Small plates!
Ooh, how about the Korean truck?
Kimchi truck!
They're all changed.
They've been podded... They're podoids.
I do not like that name.
Well, regardless,
you're going to eat with served to you
because it's sourced
locally by a sweaty chef in the back
named Fausto with long fingernails.
The usual?
-Yes, please.
-Everyone else?
[in unison] Coffee.
Oh, my.
[in Spanish]
How lovely. There are six of you
[in Spanish]
and you only get coffee?!
[in Spanish] Don't bother...
Can you just please speak fucking English?
-What?!
-Not okay.
I... I am so sorry.
I'm really tired.
[in Spanish]
She's under a lot of press... pressure.
[in Spanish] Hey, Fausto.
So...
What do we know?
Meteor crashed.
Strange corn inside.
Glow from the toilets.
People talking on the subway...
Talking to each other... on the subway.
They're aliens.
See? That's what I said!
Not aliens.
I think like a virus,
or something like that.
Everybody is acting weird.
And not just Williamsburg weird.
-Different, weird.
-Alien weird.
Not aliens.
Ray Ray was being so nice.
He bought food from a store.
It's a long story.
You know,
this reminds me of the episode of TV
I once saw. Scheinfeld,
I believe it was called.
Everyone Met
a bizarro version of each other.
Bizarro, huh? [chuckles]
Ehhh.. lot of Jews on that show.
None of us eat any of that corn, right?
-No, we were going to.
-But we just gave it away.
Come to think of it,
I've been seening them around a lot lately
-Like at my job.
-All the food truck chefs had them.
Oh, my Goddess,
are we spreading it around like HPV?
Possibly, but
no one around here seems different.
Maybe it just spread to places that,
you know, cool people go.
Yeah, no offense, but this place is too
gross to even enjoy ironically.
So the invasion might be isolated
in pockets or neighborhoods.
Makes sense it would hit
Williamsburg first.
Hipsters love to be into stuff
before everyone else.
Why not being snatched by aliens too?
You guys,
are we being anti-immigration here?
Good point.
They might just be looking
for a safe space.
Hey, I'm from here, all right?
And I watched this neighborhood change.
Anything that wasn't catering to rich
white people got pushed out.
I'm not going to let that happen again.
So do we go to the cops?
With what?
We got to get our hands on
some of these plants,
take them to the FDA, run some tests.
My boyfriend is one... Has one?
We have one of those pods
back at our place.
He left it on our bedroom.
You don't have to raise your hand, Jeb.
Oh, I would like to retrieve my things
from the Airbnb
-before the meth using persons take them.
-That's a good idea.
You, me, Brie, we'll go get
your stuff and her pod.
We'll lay low. Text when
we're ready to meet up.
Better yet, don't leave a trace.
We're all on Snapchat, right?
Yeah. Yes.
What?
I like to put the filters on my face.
Look...
Die Schlampe!
I'm wearing whore's paint.
Nancy, can I get a box?
[in Spanish] Whore.
Thanks.
It's sweet.
[laughing]
Okay.
If I do not return,
please delete my browser history.
You know what? Just,
just destroy the phone if you would.
I'm really not supposed
to have that.
One hour,
my office,
don't be late.
[ominous music]
Welcome back, Jeb.
I hope you've had a pleasant day.
You must be tired.
[music intensifies]
Dost thou need help with the trash?
Okay.
All right.
Well, it has been really fun,
but I'm afraid that I'm going to have to
check out early, so...
[music swells]
You sure you don't want
me to come up with you?
It'll just be weird
with my boyfriend up there.
I got it.
You're just worried he's
going to catch you with an ex.
Ahh...
We went to a Duane Reade together.
If that makes you my ex,
then so is my grandpa.
So just sit here and wait,
and I'll be back with your alien fruit.
It's a vegetable.
Probably.
[creepy synth music]
[alien scream]
Shit!
[suction noises]
[struggling noises]
[beeping]
[alien wailing]
[pop]
You got the pod?
Just drive.
Okay.
Hey, anybody seen a Mennonite?
Dressed like... me
basically.
Mr. Todecky. Good.
I need to see you in my office.
I thought you said
you never need to see me.
Things have changed. This way.
No thanks.
Why not?
Because you're infected.
Because you're all infected.
Look at this place.
You're employees
of the federal government.
It's after 5 p.m. and you're still here.
Obviously, my friend has had some sort
of run in with a pod plant horror show.
And you don't find that a little funny?
[laughing]
Oh, Todecky!
Thou will never believe what I just saw.
You could definitely stop saying that now.
I'm going to believe everything.
And you!
Oh, they goo'd thee too, huh?
Thy clothes...
all... clingy... now.
Jeb.
Huh? Oh, sorry.
Lot on my mind.
It's okay. Follow me.
Okay.
Oh fuck.
[fire burning]
Get in!
What happened back at your place?
Well, a starfish shaped space
toddler hatched out of it
and try to attach istelf to me
like a guy in a band.
What's your story?
They were all... changed.
They... they tried to restrain me, but I
I fought my way through.
All fifteen of them.
I used
anything I could hold as a weapon, bashing
and slicing my way out.
It was horrifying,
yet...
Yet pleasurable as the as the sweat
of my labors mixed with... with the
wet of their entrails.
I'm born again, friends.
Baptized in alien blood and, and made new!
[laughing]
What about Snatchers
as a name for the creatures?
You know,
because they snatch your body?
I don't like that name.
Let's try to think of something better.
In the meantime,
we're going to need a new sample.
And if your work is Alien Corn Central,
then we know where we gotta go.
I can't believe
I agreed to come down here with you.
Is that shit?
There's shit everywhere.
I thought you were a maid,
you can't be afraid of a little shit.
I'm not a real maid.
Or a real filmmaker either... I don't
know. I'm feeling kind of rudderless.
Yeah, well, that's why you date jerks.
See, you gotta figure yourself out first,
then you realize you deserve better.
You mean someone nice who drags me into a
disgusting sewer
filled with rats and hepatitis?
Why didn't you bring Jeb down here?
Well,
if anybody's an alien, it's probably Jeb.
You heard him. He's dropping
his Shakespeare talk.
Besides, you know, the building.
This has nothing to do with the last time
you suggested coming into the sewer?
It's not some boyhood
fucked up fantasy of yours?
I just wanted to come down here is all.
And I am not disappointed.
But I gotta confess,
now that we're down here I just...
I think it's unlikely we're going
to be able to find our way up from here.
What?
Yeah,
I just figured it'd be like in the movies.
You know, shimmy up a big pipe. But, turns
out it's just a bunch of narrow pipes.
You asshole.
I agree to come in this shit
river with you and your plan was
Hey, let's just go into the sewer
end of plan?
Hey, I had the part about going up
the pipe, like in the movies.
No, no. If it ends with the words,
'like in the movies, '
it doesn't count as part of the plan.
This is just like the FDA.
You went in like such a bad ass
but you didn't have a plan,
and you ended up running off
like you shit yourself
during the school play.
Hey, that's over the line, okay?
I run a little funny because
I have a sports hernia from sports.
Right. Well, we're doing what I say now
and I say is we're getting out of here.
Brie, come on.
Brie... wait up.
Brie? Hey Brie!
Todecky, that's the weird glowing shit.
Only there's so much.
What part of the building is this under?
The old generator room
but they replaced it
so no one ever goes down there...
except the cleaning staff.
Well how did you get down here to clean?
With my keycard.
Why didn't we use that?
Because you had such a huge
goddamn sewer boner!
That's why.
I hardly think this is my fault.
Look, the glow seems to be coming
from the drain in the floor above us.
So you think you could boost me up?
Maybe.
[metal scraping]
See, what'd I say?
-Just like in the movies.
-Shhhh.
It's Snatchers HQ.
I hate that name.
Can't we call 'em Podsters?
Or The Taken?
It's like a grow house down here.
Yeah, only they're not growing weed.
They're growing an army.
Listen, we gotta
[door opening] Shhhhh.
What is it you wanted
to show me down here?
There's no WiFi.
Just keep your eyes closed
and let it happen.
Finally. I'm going to blog
about this later, if that's cool.
[kissing noises]
[squelching]
[screaming]
He got corned. It is time to go.
No. We're not running and
leaving all these pods.
We can use those cans of gas.
Say no more.
[liquid pouring]
[match striking]
[match fizzling]
Must have got wet from the sewer.
[footsteps]
Do you smell gasoline?
Intruders!
Save the pods.
We'll deal with them later.
I think we lost them.
Okay.
You guys are seriously stinking up
my truck.
It's true. You smell.
Well talk to Super Mario the
sewer lover over here.
We need a change of clothes, a safe place
to regroup and figure out our next move.
We should go to the police.
All right, that's it.
It's time to call in a favor.
I know a guy down at the bureau.
Which Bureau?
Census Bureau?
Indian Affairs?
Hang on. That's funny.
Special Agent Devereaux?
This is Paul Todecky.
I'm going to need some backup.
[garbled]... Todecky.
Yeah, you gave me your card!
I had to mail you your handkerchief.
Crying, right! See? You do remember.
So listen, there's something weird going
down. I got some inside intel and...
Hello?
Hello?
Guys...
they got to him.
I think they infiltrated the FBI.
Wow, Todecky. Wow.
As embarrassing as that was,
and that was the single most
humiliating moment I've ever witnessed.
I think you probably have a point.
Alright?
If I was one of those things,
I would infiltrate the cops first.
Well then who can help us?
We gotta get some help
from outside the law.
[Lenses by Heiruspecs begins]
So how do you know the White Duke,
Todecky?
Yeah, he's super famous.
Everybody loves him.
Oh, except the ASPCA.
They don't like his sled dogs.
Well, we grew up together
back in Williamsburg
before it was being gentrified.
Just two Polish kids hanging out.
Then he got a little weird.
He got weird?
Yeah, I love his retro vibe.
This is retro to you guys?
Don't you mean thee guys?
What?
Your speech, it's changing.
You noticed! It's working.
You see, I realized I can't go home again,
so I have to try to make a new life here
in this world.
Are my eyes playing tricks on me?
Do I see Paul Todecky up in my crib?
Am I trip pin?
Wait!
Let me ask my boys if I'm trip pin.
Is daddy trip pin right now?
Is daddy trip pin right now?
No?!
Todecky's really here.
[chuckles]
Well, well,
well, well, well, well, well,
well, well, well, well...
Are you done?
Nope.
Well, well, well, well, well, well,
well, well, well, well, well, well, well.
And what do we have here?
Todecky's brought his
whole playgroup with him.
Have you met my crew?
Look, Kevin, we don't want any trouble,
all right?
What are you looking for, Todecky?
Protection.
Pffft!
Why should I help you?!
Because you and Todecky are friends,
and we all need your help.
Paaa ha!
[laughing]
Todecky ain't my friend.
He never calls me to hang out.
He's been ignoring me since high school.
You didn't even accept my invitation
to connect on Linkedln.
It probably went to my spam folder.
And what about the rest of crew, man?
Do you remember them?
Mathletes?
Dwight!
You forget all your childhood friends
and you roll up in here
looking for protection?
[laughing]
This is serious, alright?
And it's not just about us.
The whole city's in trouble,
maybe the whole planet.
Man... what kind of bullshit
is coming out of you right now?
You remember those plants we were talking
about the other day?
Right...
and I told you I don't eat that shit.
Just waffles and pussyyyyyy.
Right, right, right, right.
Well, turns out
they might be from another planet.
Fuck that shit.
Aliens, please.
It's true. They're infecting people,
controlling them.
Tell him.
Oh, ahh.
Your Majesty.
[whispering] Get up.
Do... do you remember the meteor?
Yeah.
It crash landed on my property.
The strange penis corn was inside.
They took over my village.
I had one of those pods and a thing came
out of it and try to attach itself to me.
That's how they snatch your bodies.
I call them Snatchers.
Great, name. Go on.
They took over all of our friends.
Todecky and I crashed their headquarters,
and they chased us, and
that's how we ended up here.
Kevin...
Duke.
I know I could have been a better friend
to you, and I'm sorry about that.
We just drifted apart.
You know, I went into the law enforcement
and you became an Isaac
Hayes impersonator.
I still don't get most of your decisions,
but I coulda tried harder.
But either way I'm here now
as an old friend.
Just let us stay here tonight,
till we figure this mess out.
Okay.
I heard you out.
Crazy shit.
I don't know how you, uh, brainwashed
all these people into believing
your fucking delusions Todecky,
and I really don't care.
You come to me for protection
for you and your little friends,
and I'm gonna give it to you,
free of charge, for as long as you like.
All you have to do is one little thing.
What?
Kiss my ring.
Oh, fuck this.
I'm taking my chances with The Taken.
Ehh... Snatchers.
She's right, it's better. It is.
So, what do you say Todecky?
Ready to find out how many licks
it takes to get to the center?
There's a hair on it.
Oh, probably the dog's.
[slurping]
[struggling]
Now that wasn't so bad, now was it?
Yer' still a fucking weirdo.
You now have my protection!
My men will take you to your quarters
for the night.
If there's anything you require, ring
the gong in your room,
and one of my concierge, slash
prostitutes, will be right along.
Goodnight.
Oh, by the way, if you're interested.
At midnight we'll be playing
Axis and Allies, the game of World War Two
domination, up in my media room.
Thanks, Dwight.
Well...
Yeah, I guess I'll just, uh...
-check the situation here.
-You sure?
Yeah. No! This is sticky.
-What is that? This is...
-It's all right, we can share.
I mean, we've been in the sewers together.
Yeah, right.
Ahh.
Admit it, you liked it just a little bit.
No, that was the worst.
Fair enough.
Still, we got these pretty sweet PJs
out of the deal.
-Pretty...
-Silky?
Yeah, pretty silky.
Look like Siegfried and Roy.
Ya' really know what to say to a girl,
Todecky.
Yeah. You know,
I wanted to talk to you earlier.
I saw you in the park
before all this happened.
Why didn't you say hi?
Ehh, some Park Slope mommy started
yelling at me.
You're such a chicken shit.
Brie?
Can I ask you a personal question?
Hiding out from the aliens together so...
open book time.
Well... like...
if I didn't take you to that drugstore...
Yeah?
And, um...
you weren't seeing somebody right now...
He's probably snatched, but, okay...
You know, and we weren't spending
the night in Prince's sex dungeon?
Yeah.
Do you think I'd have a shot with you?
Ahh...
Well,
I used to think you were a little weird...
but now that I see how weird weird gets,
you seem
relatively normal in comparison, but
probably not.
Ouch.
Okay.
Plus, really, right now in my life
I'm just looking to bone, so...
mainly dating for looks.
What?
I know it sounds awful and it's
hugely disappointing on so many levels,
but it's true.
I don't know what I want out of my life,
but I know
I want it to include some serious rough
boning with some hot ass dudes.
So if they're an asshole,
like it's not the end of the world.
It's pretty blunt, Brie.
Luke Skywalker was nice,
but everyone wanted to bang Han Solo.
Well, yeah, But you know,
just because Han Solo's
a bad boy doesn't mean he's
necessarily better at boning.
You know I bet if Luke had a chance with
Leia he would have, you know, really...
Uhhh...
-They're siblings.
-No I know they're... well, now... but,
-Yeah. Yeah.
-And I'm not... that's not my thing.
No, no. Yeah, um...
-Just want to be clear.
-Yeah, yeah. No, I know.
Don't try to be something that you're not.
You know, just if you're a Luke,
be a Luke.
There's plenty of women out there
that like that. Especially older,
bearded, Jedi Master Luke.
Kind of has, like, a older college
professor thing going on.
Brie, I know I'm not a lot of things,
but I can speak without
a drop of uncertainty and knowing full
well that tomorrow we could be walking
skins suits for aliens.
If you let me,
I will Han Solo you like
you've never been Han Solo'd before.
Hey, we're all pajama buddies.
Yeah.
You guys, something happened in me
and Gem's bedroom.
-Something beautiful?
-Step off that.
I heard something
from someone... I don't, I don't know.
And I found this.
That's the same purple goo stuff
from my apartment.
And the Airbnb.
-Which means that...
-One of us got corned.
Well,
Brie had that goo all over her earlier,
how do we know she didn't get taken?
Brie wasn't in your room,
she was with me the whole time.
Nice.
Jeb, you got all gooed up today, too.
Oh, sure, blame the single guy.
It's not my fault I'm here alone.
I got cock blocked by a meteor.
Where'd you learn that
phrase, bible school?
[arguing]
-Hey hey hey...
-[arguing]
Stop it. Stop it. Stop it, you guys. Stop.
This is exactly what they want.
They want us paranoid
and fighting amongst ourselves.
We have to calm down
and think this through.
She's right.
None of us can really vouch for any other.
We've all been away from each other,
at least for a while
at some point. So it could be any one of
us... or the Duke, or his men.
-Where are they?
-Recreating World War II in his media room
Don't you listen?
Let's concentrate on who's in this room,
okay?
We need a way to test
to see who's an... Overtaker.
God, Snatcher.
We need a test to see who's a Snatcher.
I know a way,
but none of you are going to like it.
No purple glow,
-you're good to go.
-Makes perfect sense.
Sure, it's
no problem for the sewer fetishist.
Hey, I don't have a sewer fetish.
I just went down there
because it's offbeat and forbidden.
That's like the definition of a fetish.
Fuck this.
I cannot do bathroom stuff
in front of other people.
This is like gym class all over again.
I was bullied!
Look, if you guys have any other idea
to tell who's who, I'm all ears,
otherwise I hope you had your fiber.
Let's not be rude about it.
Honestly, I'm just excited
to be using indoor plumbing.
Okay, so who's first?
Your idea.
[mellow lo-fi music]
[toilet flushing]
We have to see it, Jeb.
Right, yeah...
I got more.
It's not glowing.
-No, I know, but...
-I don't need to see this.
That's some weird ass shit, Todecky.
Really?
How often do you eat
at the dump that you took us to?
Every day.
You should see a doctor.
It's that bad?
[screaming]
Don't.
Lulu is gone.
I even had you fooled, didn't I Gem?
Soon there will be no distinction.
We will become you
and you will simply cease to be.
Okay, just let Gem go.
Your species has remarkable
empathy for one another,
which is stupid.
[gasping]
I am so sorry, Gem.
[struggling]
[gunshots]
Oh god, she's dead.
[gun cocks]
I don't care
if they're from outer space or not.
Nobody comes into my...
why can't I remember this?
What is it again?
Duchy.
Thank you.
...duchy and starts shit!
Check this shit out.
[gunshot]
Todecky!
I am very sorry.
[gun click]
Safety's on, we're good.
Guys, we just can't go in there
and shoot up the place.
There's way too many of them now.
Plus,
no one else seems to see what's happening
and the cops think we're murderers.
So we need to figure out another way.
[microwave sounds]
What is he doing?
That's my microwave.
What?
It's not the electric clothing dryer?
I put my underwear in there!
Oh, dude...
The one in my apartment exploded.
These things
are really susceptible to microwaves.
So what are we supposed to do,
lure 'em into a bunch of microwaves? Send
out a message to meet up at PC Richards?
No.
We need to figure out a way
to hit the building. Maybe
take them all out
without firing a single shot.
But where
do you find a giant microwave?
Space satellites?
Cooking schools?
Live radio broadcast is done
through microwaves.
If we could find a broadcast tower
down near south fourth,
where Scott Shannon does his radio show.
What?! He says what we're all thinking.
If we could find a way to get up there
and redirect the dish down at the nest,
we could turn that whole place
into a huge tub of popcorn.
For Lulu.
Yeah, for Lulu. [dogs barking]
Greco, Roman,
What's wrong boys?
They found us.
[crowd yelling]
We got to get to the truck.
[gunshots]
[crowd yelling]
-Let's go, now!
-I'm staying.
This is my house in my hood,
and I'm repping it
'til the end of it.
You want some of this motherfucker?
Take it! Take it, you fucking bitch!
Take it!!!
Somebody's chasing.
It's the pickle truck, lady.
The French Pickler?
No, the other one. It's none of them,
they all got corned.
All your pickle friends are gone.
Now hit them with something.
What is this?
It's Kimchi. Lulu made it.
This one's for Lulu.
Yeaggh!
[glass breaking]
[laughing]
[in German] Holy crap, eh?
I really have to learn
some English exclamations.
I am very proud of myself!
[laughing]
Good morning, America. It's Scott and
Wendy on the radio
Is that it?
And today we are doing it
caffeine free!
How long that'll last, who knows?
Now it's a broadcast facility,
so security is bound to be tight.
Brie, I'm going to need you to distract...
Todecky, It's a radio station.
There's no guards.
No one's even listening.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
Until you said something.
I forgot radio even existed.
-I don't think I have a radio.
-Are you fucking with me?
They're joking everyone
I know owns a radio.
-See?
-See?
Okay, enough. Let's get to the roof.
All right, let's split up.
Gem, Jeb, you guys go that way.
Me and Brie, we'll go this way.
Shout if you find the stairs up.
We almost had a moment back there
at the Duke's, right?
Yeah. That was something.
Almost.
Seems like a shame, what with us about to
die and everything...
that we didn't... explore that.
Are you trying to hook up with me,
like now?
Now, with all this shit happening?
Jesus, let's go already.
These all look the same, and we still
haven't found the stupid stairs up.
Should we call them?
Great.
Jeb? Jeb?
Gem, is that you?
What are you doing here?
The last time we saw you,
you were going full Rambo
to protect your home.
Did you see how many of them
there were out there?
Besides, I can replace a lot of that
memorabilia on eBay.
Why were you guys doing all that shit
at me while I was following you
-in the truck?
-That was you?
-Oh, man. Sorry about that.
-It's cool.
Let's just get to the roof.
There has to be stairs up. Maybe
a custodial office or something.
And keep your eyes open for Jeb.
That turd got himself lost, or I did.
Gem, I should have told you
this before,
but I'm really sorry about your loss.
Yeah,
Yeah, I really can't believe it.
I'm dying inside.
It must have been really difficult
for you.
Everyone
I know spends all this time
trying to be someone that they're not.
But Lulu,
Lulu was happy with who she was.
Who can say that anymore?
I think I could make you feel better.
Not the time, dude.
[squelching] You son of a bitch!
Shhh, don't fight it.
Don't fight it.
It'll all be over soon.
Brie, what are you doing?
Ray Ray?
That's not him.
It's me. New and improved.
Brie, I realized
you're the most important thing to me.
Brie...
I want to do more stuff together...
Like, sexually.
The really, really weird stuff
you're always begging me for.
-Brie...
-Shhh. Let's, let's hear him out.
You know, I'll quit
art and go back to male modeling.
Just... please... let me
All right, enough. The lady's with me.
The aliens have super strength.
What?
-It's okay. I got this.
-Wait, hold on.
He's right, Todecky.
He's the new and improved Ray.
But I can still do better.
[gunshot]
FfffffffFUCK.
Where's all the alien goo?
-You fucking shot me!
-You're not an alien?
He's not an alien?
-There are aliens?
-Yes. Oh, I'm so sorry.
Oh, you're just acting so weird.
You made me dinner with stuff you bought.
I just got that stuff of a Meals on Wheels
truck.
I was trying to wine and dine you...
so you could buy me Coachella tickets.
Wha.. what about the weird...
glowing shit in the toilet?
I didn't...
Oh, Jodi came over.
Your important critic,
ex-girlfriend, Jodi?
-You're a real dick, Ray Ray.
-Owww!
But I guess I'm glad you're
not one of them.
Thanks.
So... so there are aliens?
Yes!
And I am so sorry about that misunder...
shooting.
If you're not an alien,
how did you track us?
Find my iPhone.
You gave me your Apple ID
when I bought those Against Me tickets.
It was a rad show.
[panting]
I found the stairs, so...
Who's this guy?
[elevator chime]
[elevator door]
[crowd noise]
It's so many stairs.
-So, wait, you're kicking me out?
-Yes.
Dish is over there on that tower.
You go.
I'll stay behind.
Really?
Yeah. You fucking shot me,
I need medical attention.
Sorry.
I'll stay too...
-to, to hold them off.
-We gotta go.
Bye, Ray.
-I'm Jeb.
-I'm Ray Ray.
-Hi.
-Hey.
Guess we might die, huh?
Yeah.
[chuckling]
Well, still nice to meet you, Jeb.
You know, it's nice to meet you, too.
Has anybody ever told you you have
really... nice hands.
Oh, trashcan moisturizer.
Third base.
Okay, that'll do. That'll do.
[cracking sound]
Look who I found.
-You guys okay?
-Yeah, yeah. Good.
Violence!
All right, let's do this.
Wait, Brie,
what if we just talked to them first?
-What?
-Yeah...
-try to work it out.
-There's no time.
They're gone, Todecky.
Don't resist.
Things will be much better
once we're in control.
You'll see.
We've taken over countless worlds,
inhabited the bodies of every species
imaginable.
Without question, humanity is the worst.
Believe me, this is an upgrade.
It's not your fault.
-You just don't know any better.
-You're right. We don't.
We don't know any better.
We make irrational decisions
in the face of overwhelming logic.
Should I have gone to medical school
like Heidi Ronson?
-Yeah, my mom was right about that.
-Brie...
Now I make documentaries
earning minimum wage, doing a job
I'm frankly not even qualified to do.
The thing about me, thing about humanity,
is that we just don't know any better.
We do what's right for us
even if it is incredibly stupid.
Right!
That's what we're saying.
Yeah, people are stupid.
We fail FBI test
after FBI tests over and again,
but we get up, and we take that expensive
Caplan test prep course and we reapply...
even if we're actively discouraged
from doing so by those dicks
at the academy registrar office.
You're just saying what she said
with different unflattering
specifics about yourself.
One, you don't know that I wasn't talking
about someone else...
and two, humanity
always has an ace up its sleeve.
Fuck.
Fuck yes, redemption.
Jeb, you made it.
I've got two fists:
Dairy, and Creamer.
Creamer is smooth.
So silky... YAH!
You'll never see her coming.
Dairy's a big heifer
who will kick you if you wrong her.
We're lactose intolerant as a species.
[laughing]
Even Better.
Jeb!
Don't.
God forgive me,
I used a microwave!
[loud crash]
[windshield breaking]
Shit.
Can you hurry?
[distortion sounds]
Point it at the building.
Our very first guest is a very funny guy..
Friend of mine... Joe Piscopo.
Good morning, Joe.
Ahhh... we're off the air.
Now that is a lot of fire.
That is a surprising amount of fire.
[small explosion]
Yeah.
We should go.
Yep. Yeah.
How do we know if we stopped them in time?
...and the blaze has been contained.
Authorities claim the same
Russian hacktivists, who we all know
orchestrated the meteorite hoax,
are also to blame for this fire.
They got to Scott Shannon.
It's bigger than
we thought. What do we do?
Just keep driving.
...in a nearly unanimous vote in favor
of universal governmental consolidation.
How this will be implemented
is yet to be seen, but UN officials
I think we should stick to the back roads.
Stay away from I-10.
Meanwhile US lead NATO corn shipments
continue globally while at home
Turn him off.
...an all time low of .4%
Sign says they don't open for 30 minutes
so...
What you want to do?
[in Spanish] Let's bone.
Closed Captioning provided by
Littleknife Media
[eerie sci-fi music]
Constance!
Come take a rest with me
and sit on my porch a while, eh?
I guess that should be all right.
-You were in the city recently?
-Yes.
Is it true you cannot see stars there?
Yes, it's true...
...for they have such tall buildings
and electric lights.
'Tis strange to think the stars
should have competition.
They do...
...but Constance...
...thou does not.
I should like to see it one day.
Really?
For I would very much like to
show it to thee.
I can right now if you want.
Oh, I mean the city!
Oh, okay.
Oh, well, then.
Thou might accompany me to the farmer's
market tomorrow.
Could I?
Oh, it would be my honor.
We might even partake in some... modern
conveniences.
No, you mean liquid soap?!
The inn provides it in tiny bottles!
Oh, Jeb.
But that would be an overnight trip.
My father would never allow it.
I've been courting thee for eight weeks.
We should be married by now.
I think it's at least time
that we took things to the next level.
Are we ready?
Oh, god
I'm so ready right now it hurts.
Constance, it is a perfect, night. Ahh,
the stars are all out.
What say you?
Shall we...
...hold hands?
But that's Mennonite third base!
I know, but I just want to make
physical contact with any part of thy body
that is not entirely covered in fabric.
Please?
Pretty... please?
Please, just let me. Please?
God won't mind,
I swear.
[music swells]
[roaring sound]
[in German] Holy shit!
We have sinned!
[explosion]
Holy shit!
Oh, Jesus. I'm sorry, god.
Forgive me, god. Jeb made me.
He made me. Jeb raped my wrists!
Constance, wait! No... I...
[in Spanish] Hi, I'm Rosa
[in Spanish]
Do you have a tampon?
Oh, hi.
Sorry, um, I don't speak Spanish.
No, hablo.
[in Spanish]
Are you joking with me?
I wanted to take Spanish, but
my parents pushed Latin for med school.
I'm actually only working as a maid
because I'm making a documentary.
This whole expos about how the U.S.
treats Mexican immigrants like yourself.
[in Spanish] I'm from Venezuela.
Right? It's awful.
So, yeah, making a doc about it.
[in Spanish]
Great, a goddamn Morgan Spurlock!
You're angry at the system,
and I totally get it.
I'm on your side.
Love trumps hate, right?
[door slams]
Wow. That was really authentic.
Fucking Brooklyn.
Once this was a sewer
crawling with human garbage,
animals who'd slit your throat over
a scratch-off lottery ticket.
Now it's all gentrified,
and these manicured parks are
teeming with bearded bloggers
in Japanese selvage jeans drinking
direct trade full immersion coffees,
reading Infinite Jest.
Brie?
-Yes?
-You're in the stroller lane.
What, you mean like the crosswalk?
I need you to apologize to my son,
Coltrane.
He's the injured party here.
There were bodegas
drugs and gangsters, all gone...
replaced by Whole Foods and single malts
and fucking improv teams.
Makes me want to vomit in my own car,
which would then at least
smell like old Brookyln.
Hi... Is your kale the patriarchy
salad GMO free?
Of course. But this is a
food truck food truck.
We cater to the other food trucks only.
So I can't order anything?
No offense,
but everything we do is small batch
farm to table, paleo, vegan,
and we prefer a clientele that gets it.
So other food trucks.
Let's call it a day, Gem.
I want to get off Bedford before the
bridge and tunnel and start showing up.
Aces.
One day will rain will come
and the sewer will back up,
and then...
And then the sewer will reclaim its own.
Goodbye juice bar yoga studio work shares,
hello old Brooklyn.
Lulu, I know it's our money,
but vintage Captain Planet shirts
don't just pop up on Etsy every day.
Of course, and I don't fault you for that.
But expedited shipping?
I mean, I waited two weeks for my
crocheted pink pussy hat.
Oh, hey, nice kale.
-Two ladies at third base!
-Yeah, come back on Rumspringa,
-we'll show you how it works.
-We are Mennonite.
We don't have Rumspringa.
What do you guys do?
I can drive a truck.
Rumspringa seems better.
You get to see a whole new world.
It's like the Little Mermaid with beards.
What may we interest
thee lovely ladies in today?
We have ahh, beautiful heirloom
tomatoes, cucumbers,
fresh raw honey, homemade apricot jelly.
I don't know.
Do you have anything unusual?
I think we have just the thing.
What is that?
Where'd you find these?
We didn't find them.
We didn't find them.
Ahhh...
It's called Mennonite Corn.
Mennonite Corn! From the mother country
and brought back from olden times.
It's certainly not new,
and totally safe.
Definitely safe.
Does it taste good?
How do you cook them?
No, no, no, no, no, you don't...
You don't cook them.
They're best enjoyed raw.
You have to eat it raw.
When are they ripe?
-Three days.
-Three days.
Okay. I'm Instagramming this shit.
Everybody say corn hole.
Corn hole!
Corn... hole?
And today on the big show
we're going to talk about
the meteorite that lit up the sky
on Sunday night.
The big surprise:
No warning, Wendy.
Right?!
I... I mean, if a space rock can penetrate
our airspace undetected,
why can't terrorists?
Yeah, we got to get the government
to fix our broken space borders.
Let's go to the phones
and find out what's going on.
Hello, Jersey City. You're on the radio.
Hey, Scott, You still on that all
cookie diet?
Lost six pounds, Goofball.
Shut up!
Look at me!
Oh, hello.
Good morning. Hello, Mr. Hi!
(In Arabic)
Here he is! That dick hole
(In Arabic)
who thinks he's in Reservoir Dogs!
(In Arabic) Is he a cop? FBI?
(In Arabic)
No, he works for the fucking
(In Arabic)
Food and Drug Administration!
(In Arabic)
No way, is that true?
(In Arabic)
Yes! I saw his ID the other day.
(In Arabic)
He acts like Serpico but he's really
(In Arabic)
just the guy who warns you to wash your
(In Arabic)
cabbage good so you don't get the shits!
(In Arabic)
Too much milk, just like you like it!
(In Arabic)
You probably didn't get enough
(In Arabic)
from your mama's titties!
(In Arabic)
Go suck your mama's titties,
(In Arabic) "Cabbage Serpico!"
[laughing]
Thanking you. Have good day. Yes.
Thank you.
[in Arabic]
Son of a bitch, fuck his mother.
[laughing]
[splurting noise]
Oh!
Ugh...
I guess it's not ripe yet.
Uhhh...
Hey, how you doing?
This guy!
All right... Nope? Alright.
Keeping busy?
Hey, there he is.
And there he goes.
Hey, Chief! Ya needed to see me?
Two things:
One, I'm not the chief of anything.
And two, I have never,
and will never need to see you.
So... what do we got?
A non-smoking womb:
Cigarettes and your uterus.
This is what we got, Todecky.
If you don't like it,
maybe you should apply for the FBI again.
I would, but the bureau and I
are not seeing eye to eye these days.
Ever since I got a little too close.
Too close to what?
Passing their entrance exam?
What the fuck is that?
Completely inappropriate language
for the workplace.
And this...
is a photo...
someone tweeted to us. Some woman
who runs a food truck
with weird looking,
probably Photoshopped, corn.
It's a joke, Todecky.
You can take a joke, can't ya'?
I can take a joke.
As a matter of fact...
here's a joke for you.
How much does a pirate pay for corn?
How much?
How much what?
How much does a pirate pay for corn?
I don't know.
But I do know that this is an undocumented
vegetable, and I'm going to find it.
It's out there somewhere.
I'm gonna need that, actually.
[typing]
Buck an ear...
Hah!
So dumb.
G'day, ladies.
Oh hey! It's the artisinal
pickle truck chick.
I wish.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
What's the name of your truck again?
Pickledilly Circus.
Do you have the blood sausage
seitan wrap today?
Sure, Wiccan kale on the side?
Please, and thank you.
Oi!
Hello, my lovely.
What have you got back there?
Um... Menopause, Corn?
Mennonite!
Ooh, I'd relish the chance to pickle you!
See what I did there?
Good stuff.
We were thinking of making it into a
corn and beet salsa
but it didn't really work out.
You can have 'em if you want 'em.
Splendid.
Take that artisanal pickle truck chick.
Brie!
[in Spanish] What's happening?
Uh huh... You too.
Haha! You crack me up, mami.
Hey, Brie.
Yeah?
How's that uh... documentary thing going?
Still figuring it out.
You know, uh. I can't tell if I want it to
an Errol Morris
looking into the camera type of thing
or more of a following you around type.
Or maybe it's not a doc at all.
You know, maybe it's like a Humans
of New York type of thing.
Or maybe it's just a series
of oil paintings that I make with my butt.
Mmm hmm.
You know, just put some paint on my butt,
sit on some canvas,
roll around and frame it.
Totally.
You should just go talk to her.
Right... I'm gonna go over there,
talk to her, ask her out on a date.
No, no, no, that's too direct.
Putting some secret messages into the code
that we're working on.
Secret messages? Yeah.
She codes in Ruby
so I think she's going to pick up
what I'm putting down.
Uh huh.
Such an intuitive platform.
So sexy.
Hey, kids. Who's hungry?
I'm hittin' the food trucks,
and my wallet's feeling loose!
Hey, Roger,
is it okay if I leave a bit early tonight?
My boyfriend has an art show.
Sweet!
What medium?
He does found object, uh,
mixed media stuff...
I'm not really sure to call them.
Very cool! Rad.
So is it okay?
Okay? I mean
I think artistic expression is
vital. It's what makes us human.
No... Is it okay if I leave early?
Ah, well, time is just a construct,
isn't it?
So early and late...
they're abstractions too,
you know what I mean?
So...
Yeah, you can leave early. Jeez.
God... why do I even try?
What are you nerds eating?!
Petition signatures, my ass.
What are you talking about?
She's from Teach for America.
What's she teaching America?
How to dress like a whore.
[struggling noises]
[screams]
You seen this weird plant?
You a cop?
Do I look like a cop?
Yes?
Thanks.
So you seen it or not?
Maybe if you buy something
I'll remember,
tough guy.
Hey, this is fun. It's
kind of like Rockford Files.
Alright, give me a hot dog.
Oh, sure.
I'll just get one off of this
greasy, spindly stainless steel thing.
I don't see anything.
No, you don't,
because it's not a goddamn hot dog cart.
It's a hand-crafted
mobile Belgian Waffle Cafe.
Fine, I'll take a waffle.
Great, sir. What would you like on it?
Syrup.
Oh, sure.
And should I also
just take a big shit on it?
Keep your shit waffle and tell me,
where have you seen this weird plant?
Oh, I remember now.
Yeah, I think the pickle guy had one,
which pickle guy was that, Ramone?
Was it Pickle Down Economics?
No. Maybe, uh, Cuke of Earl?
No, he died.
Really?
That's so sad.
Was it the lesbian one? Closer to Brine?
No, but speaking of lesbians,
this little lady here, that's Gem.
She and her partner, uh... Lulu
they run the Food Truck Food Truck.
Okay, so tell me, where is this
Food Truck Food Truck?
What the fuck do I look like? Google Maps?
All right...
[bullhorn] Ladies and gentlemen,
[bullhorn] players of all ages,
[bullhorn] dig if you will,
[bullhorn] The White Duke!
Whoa!
Well, my old friend Paul Todecky.
Haven't seen you since Mathletes.
Long time, Kev.
No, I dropped that slave name.
It's all white Duke these days.
So what brings you to my kingdom?
Kings have a kingdom.
You're a duke.
So what do Dukes have?
Duchys!
-Really? Duchys?
-Yep.
So what brings you to my duchy, Todecky?
I'm looking for something.
Well, I hope it's a tailor,
cause you look like a Blues Brother.
[bullhorn] Yah burnt!
[laughing]
So what do you want?
I'm looking for a weird vegetable.
Well, if you want something from my duchy,
you got to kiss my ringy.
No, thanks. I'm hypoglycemic.
More for me.
I ain't seen it.
It worth money?
No, but it's illegal.
-And if you eat it, it might make you sick
-Hah!
Don't worry about me.
Only thing that I eat these days
are these damn fine
Belgian waffles...
and pussy!
I'll have powdered sugar and cocoa.
Thanks, Ramone.
[fabric rustling]
[message notification]
[fabric rustling]
[message notification]
[fabric rustling]
[message notification]
[fabric rustling]
Ray Ray, this... is... something.
Hey, Jody.
Sorry, babe,
she's an important critic.
So this sculpture.
Sculpture, please, Brie,
don't be reductive.
I'm a painter who paints with the shed
husk of post-millennial consumerism.
Right.
So... this... piece?
I was trying to illuminate the plight of
the defacto slave laborers
of so-called emerging countries.
What's it called?
Sock Cocks.
So I saw this weird thing at work today.
One of the toilets had, like, a glow.
Probably something in the water.
NSA trying to keep tabs.
On our poop?
The last frontier of personal privacy.
Well, I'm going to tell maintenance
because I just think it's...
Oh, please, Brie...
Do we have to discuss your participation
in a corrupted capitalist hegemony?
No, you're right. I mean
this is your event,
and I want to be supportive,
but I was thinking maybe after
we could go back to my place...
Yo, Ray Ray! Where dat after-party, son?!
Brie's place!
Really?
I thought I'd just be tonight.
Brie...
you're being really proletarian right now.
I guess it's cool if they come.
Um...
what time?
We'll be over later.
Gotta hit up the store first.
See? This is why you don't need money.
Some slaves to the class system
just provided me
a whole bottle of gin
with at least an ounce left in it
AND two thirds of a miso soup.
Hello?
Someone's coming!
This is completely legal, madam.
Once you throw something away,
you forego all claim to it.
It's all in my Tumblr manifesto.
Don't worry. I'm not with the authorities.
Are you hungry?
I've got some leftovers for my food truck.
Yeah, that's great.
It's nice to get food before
it gets that dumpster smell.
It's quite all right.
I'm glad I found you.
I've been looking for somebody
to give this to.
Waste not, want not.
This is awesome.
I feel like Europeans really get
my philosophy, you know?
Despite the fact that you
continue to support
that ridiculous monarchy and everything.
No offense.
None taken.
Thanks again.
This really made my night.
I'm certain of it.
Great DJ'ing tonight.
The mixing part was really good...
or dope.
Probably.
[In Spanish] This is your place?
[In Spanish]
What are you, rich or something?
Sorry, I didn't habla that?
Or abla... I don't know.
I dropped out of college
and I was going to do Doctors
Without Borders,
but it was just such a commitment.
So, I took a sabbatical.
You know back-packed, and...
Wow, you can hold your breath
for a long time.
Any idea when Ray Ray
is gonna be back,
or where he is, or...?
Everyone!
The bounty of a decaying
economic construct!
[cheers]
Some pomme frites in there, I think.
Brie, baby
see if you could whip something up
with this while I say hi to everyone else.
Uhh, can I talk to you for a second?
[exhausted sigh]
What now?
Just all these people in my parents place.
I know, I'm really embarrassed
by this apartment too.
It's a really crass display of wealth.
I'm only crashing here until I find out
if my documentary
got into South by Southwest.
So?
So, in the meantime,
I can't let anything happen
to any of their stuff.
Baby...
you're doing your parents a favor.
Your stuff just ends up owning you.
And I don't disagree...
but, you know.
It's like the piece I did about the slow
disintegration of capitalism.
Which one was that?
Bottlecap Buttholes.
Right. With...
all the butt holes.
Um...
Ray Ray, it's just
your friends are always here
and I just feel like, you know, you and I
don't really get to spend any time alone.
Are you really still nagging me
about this?
Look, Brie, I know you're really
into our sexual liaisons,
which I find perfectly adequate.
But, I'm an emerging artist,
and my time has demands
that supersede your base urges.
Okay, well, so sorry
I want to be with you.
I'm not cooking your trash.
And me, and my urges, are going to bed.
[in Arabic]
Good morning, regular customer.
[in Arabic] I suppose you will be making
your usual coffee and newspaper purchase.
[in Arabic] You will find
everything in its proper place.
[in Arabic]
Just as you might any other day.
[in Arabic]
Nothing out of the ordinary here!
[in Arabic] Please use caution
as the coffee is quite hot.
[in Arabic]
You are still using too much milk.
[in Arabic]
Are you not all lactose intolerant?
[in Arabic] I am.
[in Arabic] As am I.
[in Arabic] Thank you for
your patronage once again!
Hey, Luis.
I meant to tell you the other day
I saw something
weird in one of the bathrooms.
One of the toilets had, like, a glow.
I'm aware of the situation.
Who else did you mention this to?
Just you. Why?
I don't want anyone to worry.
Some cleaning supplies
got dumped by accident.
It's nothing. Forget it.
Okay.
Well, then, should I just, like,
[door slams]
Go fuck myself?
Yeah, sure. Cool. Will do.
I'm sorry to bother you,
but can you tell me if you've seen
something like that in the area?
Ahh...
I don't think so.
Nahhh...
Hey, can I ask you a few questions?
Actually, I'm...
wait, I know you!
You're the FDA guy.
Tom... Jones?
Yeah!
Paul Todecky.
Most people call me Todecky.
Brie, right?
Right, right. I, uh,
I interviewed you for that
documentary piece I was doing on GMOs.
Yeah. Did that ever air?
Because I would love a copy.
No, um, I was going to submit it to This
American Life, but then Serial happened
And then I realized that long
form podcast docu-dramas were the future.
So I just... I shelved it.
Awww, you never finished it.
That's terrible.
You were so fired up about GMOs.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then, uh, you took me on that
weird date to a drugstore.
No, I took you to Charles's
Coffee Shop from Taxi Driver.
They tore it down now and they
put up a Duane Reade in its place.
Right, um. I ordered Altoids
and a SmartWater.
Some advice,
don't take a girl
on a Taxi Driver themed date.
I'm sorry, you're saying
don't do that?
Right. Do not.
Okay.
Great movie, though.
Look, I got to get back to work,
so...
Oh, great! I'll walk with you.
Okay.
So did you finally get into the FBI?
Are you investigating someone?
Ahhh, no. I'm still with the FDA for now.
FBI application's still pending.
But this is an investigation.
Food related investigation.
That doesn't seem like a real thing.
Oh, it's a real thing.
-You work around here?
-Yes.
I am also investigating for a documentary
that I'm working on.
You know, cleaning toilets.
You seen anything weird?
I'm cleaning toilets, so...
yeah.
The other day, I saw one that looked like
someone ate a purple glow stick.
And you didn't call me?
Why would I have called you?
Are you a gastroenterologist?
I'm doing an investigation
on glowing purple plants.
You find glowing purple stool.
There's got to be a connection.
Well, I promise. From now on,
you are my
go-to strange-shits guy.
I wanted to tell the maintenance man,
but he was acting weird.
Weird? Like how? Like...
not himself?
I don't know.
I think I need to see what you saw.
I think we need to get down
into the sewers.
Sewers, uh huh.
Or, you can come inside
like a normal person, you know, without
having to go into a disgusting sewer.
That's another way, I guess
I was thinking we can make healthy candy
necklaces, you know?
Yes, right?
Hey, what's going on?
I couldn't use all the corn you gave me,
so I brought this back.
Did that thing grow?
Yes. Nice and ripe,
like the Thames on a hot summer's day.
Never been. Thanks.
My pleasure.
I like her hat.
I think I could pull it off.
Thank you for agreeing to talk to me
today.
Could you tell me a little bit
about what you do here?
Oh, well, we're developing
this social networking app
that allows you to communicate with people
who are in your immediate vicinity.
That would be right around you?
Yes. It's called I. C. U., the,
the letters.
It's... it's for people that you see,
like, right in front of you.
People at a party, or a bar, or
even someone who's been right there
the whole time.
Why don't you just talk to 'em?
We've done extensive research.
So extensive.
You could live right next to a person
or even work right
next to them every day
and never tell them how you feel.
Our studies show.
-So it's for dating.
-Fuck yes.
Okay, well,
why don't you tell me if there's anything
going on around here
that's different lately?
Well, you changed your hair.
No, not like that.
I mean, something out of the ordinary.
Like, ahh, this
for example.
Have either of you two seen this plant?
May I see that?
Who the hell is he?
Roger Nordquist, I run the Office.
Roger, what's with the tie?
I'm your boss. A tie is customary.
Please return to your workstations.
Thank you.
You like his tie? I got ties.
I heard the FDA was here
conducting some sort of investigation.
I just want you to know
we're happy to cooperate
with the federal government in anyway.
We appreciate that. So,
have you seen that plant?
No, I don't believe so. What is it?
I don't know.
And if I don't know, shouldn't be out
there.
Wow. Must be nice to know everything
about your field, Mr...?
Todecky.
And it's a burden
I live with every day of my life.
Well, if I do see one,
I will certainly call the FDA immediately.
Let me show you out.
Would you mind if I used your restroom?
You'll have to use the
first floor restrooms, actually.
These are closed for cleaning.
You know, you eat from here right
down, right?
Yeah.
Got it.
Thanks.
Hey, Brie!
Twice in one day.
So, how'd it go?
The bathrooms are closed for cleaning.
I couldn't get in.
It's weird.
We usually clean them at night.
Someone must have made a mess in there.
-Oh, yeah?
-Don't.
If it was weird shit, I'll call you.
-Let me see if I still have you in here.
-Should still be the same number.
I haven't changed it.
Might be under Tom Jones.
It's under Duane Reade.
Well, still, if you wanna do something
sometime, just give me a call.
You know, we could talk about the...
-I'm actually seeing a guy right now.
-Sure.
Probably take you to some non Taxi
Driver themed restaurant.
He doesn't actually believe in money
or doing things one on one.
It's more of a communal thing.
Well as long as you're happy.
Yeah, I'm totally happy.
Good. It's nice to see you again.
It's nice seeing you too, Todecky.
-You're going to give me a call?
-About the weird shit,
yes. Duane Reade. In my phone.
Yep.
Yeah.
Are you sure about the sewer?
I'm sure.
[tense music]
Excuse me, sir. If you...
[knocking]
Who are you?
-Name's Todecky.
-You a cop?
No. No cop.
You're dressed like a cop.
Did you want to be one
like, when you were a little boy?
Yeah, I guess. But I swear I'm no cop.
Oh, why not, man?
I mean, if it was, like, your dream.
Too much of a wild card,
and they don't like that.
Same reason I stop selling
life insurance to animals.
It's just too many variables.
Maybe you should follow your dream.
[knocking]
I don't care
what kind of a flophouse you're running.
It's not a flophouse. It's an Airbnb.
Do you have people in here
illegally subletting this apartment?
-Yes.
-That's a flophouse!
Now get the man in black.
I want to talk to him,
or I'm running you in.
[knocking]
Well, what's your name, friend?
Why should I tell thee?
Because if you going to keep following me,
I want have something else to call you
rather than that
asshole who keeps following me.
Fair enough. I'm Jeb.
I've seen thee asking around
about this unusual corn.
Yes?
Yeah. What do you know about it?
Thou would not believe me if I told thee.
Try thee.
Me. Try me.
No... I cannot.
Thou will think I'm verruckt.
I will not think you're [mumbles]
No matter how crazy it is.
I swear to Amish Jesus.
Okay, I am not Amish.
Well, whatever.
If it comes out of your mouth,
I'm going to believe it.
Oh, no, no, I can not.
What if I guess?
Seems unlikely.
What if we both say it at the same time,
-what we think is behind all this?
-Same time?
Okay.
-One, two, three.
-One, two, three.
-The government!
-Aliens!
Wait, what?!
-That corn is not of this world.
-That is not what I thought you'd say.
Here's what happened,
I was finally getting to third base when..
Hey, wait. What the?
[ominous music]
Wait!
Don't, don't you want to hear
what I know of these things?
Jeb...
I don't know if you know this, but
I don't exactly fit in. All right?
You might not know what that's like.
Well, I am a Mennonite.
I just always thought
I was meant for something bigger,
you know, more important.
And when I saw that picture
of those plants, I thought, this is it.
These weird colored penis plants
are my ticket outta here.
They do look like man root!
But if I go to the FDA with that,
they're going to laugh me out of a job.
The FDA. It's one step above shoveling
animals off the side of the highway.
No. Count me out.
No, but I, I... I must have help.
You're modern world is...
is strange to me with... with your
compact discs and your, and your gelato.
No, no, no. I must.
You have to help me. You help me out!
[slap]
-Aah!
-Ohhh!
[in German] God in heaven!
I'm am sorry.
I... ohhh.
[in German] Please forgive me.
Ya' kick like a mule.
I understand that reference.
I've never slapped anyone before.
Was it really painful?
It was kind of empowering, actually.
I'm still not believing any of your
government bullshit.
Look, look. Forget what I said, all right?
Who cares what caused the...
the fiery ball in the sky?
The government, aliens, a vengeful god...
I will take thee to it and
thou can see for thyself.
Fiery ball...
Like the meteor in the papers?
Well,
I don't read the devil's handbills but,
but yes, this I saw with mine own eyes.
Okay, well,
we got to get one to figure it out.
Tell you what, my horseless
carriage is over there.
Follow me and let me do
the talking, Witness.
Go on, mock my appearance all thou likes.
We're wearing essentially
the same thing, ya' know.
[mysterious music]
...and this Russian hacktivist B.S...
How they gonna hack our eyes?
I don't think so, Wendy.
This is a government cover up,
which explains why they crashed it out
in the middle of Amish country.
No camera phones, no social media
that way, if they come to take us away.
They were speaking about my cornfield.
I was going to bring those
strange alien plants
to market to... to sell to your
confusing hipster people.
But my schnickelfritz cousins beat me
to it. When I caught up with them...
they were no longer my cousins.
I can't explain how,
but they were different.
Changed.
I knew it was the plant,
so I decided to investigate as you are.
Where dost thou think they'll be?
Dunno.
The food trucks are usually lined up
along here, but they're not here now.
Todecky, is this thy personal car?
Yeah. '73 Buick LeSabre. Why?
Oh... it's, it's really old.
[laughs]
Tis' older than my truck.
And I'm... I'm supposed to use old things.
Hey man, this car is from a better time.
Back when you had to be
a bare chested pimp,
or shave your head into a mohawk...
hide a gun up your sleeve.
Simple.
Used to drive a car like this,
you got respect.
[laughs]
That's...
[laughs]
Oh...
I do not think so.
[sighs]
This music...
Ugh!
It's terrible.
The singer, he sounds like a...
like a goat giving birth.
I worked really hard on this.
[keys in door lock]
[gentle piano music]
Brie, you're home.
What's all this?
Is this all from the trash?
What?
No, this from a Greenmarket.
I thought I'd cook you some dinner.
You've been working so hard lately...
we haven't really had
that much alone time.
Hah...
Um.
This is... so nice.
I.. I'm, I'm speechless.
You deserve it.
Why don't you take a load off until
dinner's ready, maybe take a nap?
You must be tired.
Not that tired. Why don't you
come lay down with me?
But you look tired.
-I do?
-Very.
It must be exhausting documenting
human suffering while cleaning urinals.
Well, I am kind of stressed but,
I'd really rather bone to be honest.
Go lay down.
Everything's gonna be ready very soon.
Fine.
[synth pulse]
[synth pulse]
That thing got big.
[ominous synth music]
[music builds]
Something's not right.
No guys walking around with a big
boa constrictor on their shoulders...
Well, that's strange.
It is all strange to me.
Thy women... just walking
around with their hair uncovered.
Just out in the open. It's hot.
Oh, can I see that photo
thou hast been showing around?
Yeah, take a look.
Oh, yes, hah. I know them.
These are two of the lesbian women
who sometimes buy my produce.
You sure?
Oh, I remember. Where I come from
one does not often see two ladies
hand fornicating with each other.
Nice wrists. [phone ringing]
Gimme that.
Todecky.
Uh... hey, it's Brie.
I... I found a weird shit.
Where are you?
At my apartment, and...
my boyfriend's acting really weird.
Weird, how?
Nice, I guess.
And I, I found that glow again.
All right, get out of there.
I can't just leave.
He's making me dinner.
You have to.
I think that glow might be dangerous.
Get out.
And, Brie,
if your boyfriend took that shit?
Yeah.
Stay away from him!
Meet me at your office in half an hour.
Brie?
[subway noises]
If you see Edie, just don't tell her.
Who cares? We tossed her corn.
It doesn't matter.
She's not going to cry about it.
I just think it could be considered
offensive within the community.
Where the fuck are the other trucks?
Where is everyone? Yeah.
Why isn't anyone lined up?
Normally would be slammed by now.
Hey, what's going on?
Where'd you get all that Mennonite corn?
Where's yours?
Ahhh, we were into it
before it got real popular.
Gave ours away to Edie
from the pickle truck.
Which pickle truck?
Brine of the Times?
I forget. Um, maybe Smirkin' Gherkin?
It doesn't matter. Take this one.
Ahh, no we're...
cool.
That was weird, right?
Lulu, start the truck.
Yeah, I think that's a good idea.
Lesbians!
What the fuck, man?!
It's me, Jeb, from the market.
Quickly, follow us!
Look at this menu.
Absolutely nothing is pan seared.
Is there anything vegan?
I can't find the chutneys.
-I'm not seeing anything locally sourced.
-It's farm to table.
That's what I do.
Would all of you just stop
your gibberish? You two,
I've been looking for you for a while,
ever since you uploaded
that picture to Instagram.
I oughta bust you right now
for trafficking in illegal vegetables.
Is he a cop?
FDA, and he's really sensitive about it.
Look, something weird's going down.
We all gotta share information.
Great idea.
Let's table it.
What if we all left here
and went to the tapas truck? Small plates!
Ooh, how about the Korean truck?
Kimchi truck!
They're all changed.
They've been podded... They're podoids.
I do not like that name.
Well, regardless,
you're going to eat with served to you
because it's sourced
locally by a sweaty chef in the back
named Fausto with long fingernails.
The usual?
-Yes, please.
-Everyone else?
[in unison] Coffee.
Oh, my.
[in Spanish]
How lovely. There are six of you
[in Spanish]
and you only get coffee?!
[in Spanish] Don't bother...
Can you just please speak fucking English?
-What?!
-Not okay.
I... I am so sorry.
I'm really tired.
[in Spanish]
She's under a lot of press... pressure.
[in Spanish] Hey, Fausto.
So...
What do we know?
Meteor crashed.
Strange corn inside.
Glow from the toilets.
People talking on the subway...
Talking to each other... on the subway.
They're aliens.
See? That's what I said!
Not aliens.
I think like a virus,
or something like that.
Everybody is acting weird.
And not just Williamsburg weird.
-Different, weird.
-Alien weird.
Not aliens.
Ray Ray was being so nice.
He bought food from a store.
It's a long story.
You know,
this reminds me of the episode of TV
I once saw. Scheinfeld,
I believe it was called.
Everyone Met
a bizarro version of each other.
Bizarro, huh? [chuckles]
Ehhh.. lot of Jews on that show.
None of us eat any of that corn, right?
-No, we were going to.
-But we just gave it away.
Come to think of it,
I've been seening them around a lot lately
-Like at my job.
-All the food truck chefs had them.
Oh, my Goddess,
are we spreading it around like HPV?
Possibly, but
no one around here seems different.
Maybe it just spread to places that,
you know, cool people go.
Yeah, no offense, but this place is too
gross to even enjoy ironically.
So the invasion might be isolated
in pockets or neighborhoods.
Makes sense it would hit
Williamsburg first.
Hipsters love to be into stuff
before everyone else.
Why not being snatched by aliens too?
You guys,
are we being anti-immigration here?
Good point.
They might just be looking
for a safe space.
Hey, I'm from here, all right?
And I watched this neighborhood change.
Anything that wasn't catering to rich
white people got pushed out.
I'm not going to let that happen again.
So do we go to the cops?
With what?
We got to get our hands on
some of these plants,
take them to the FDA, run some tests.
My boyfriend is one... Has one?
We have one of those pods
back at our place.
He left it on our bedroom.
You don't have to raise your hand, Jeb.
Oh, I would like to retrieve my things
from the Airbnb
-before the meth using persons take them.
-That's a good idea.
You, me, Brie, we'll go get
your stuff and her pod.
We'll lay low. Text when
we're ready to meet up.
Better yet, don't leave a trace.
We're all on Snapchat, right?
Yeah. Yes.
What?
I like to put the filters on my face.
Look...
Die Schlampe!
I'm wearing whore's paint.
Nancy, can I get a box?
[in Spanish] Whore.
Thanks.
It's sweet.
[laughing]
Okay.
If I do not return,
please delete my browser history.
You know what? Just,
just destroy the phone if you would.
I'm really not supposed
to have that.
One hour,
my office,
don't be late.
[ominous music]
Welcome back, Jeb.
I hope you've had a pleasant day.
You must be tired.
[music intensifies]
Dost thou need help with the trash?
Okay.
All right.
Well, it has been really fun,
but I'm afraid that I'm going to have to
check out early, so...
[music swells]
You sure you don't want
me to come up with you?
It'll just be weird
with my boyfriend up there.
I got it.
You're just worried he's
going to catch you with an ex.
Ahh...
We went to a Duane Reade together.
If that makes you my ex,
then so is my grandpa.
So just sit here and wait,
and I'll be back with your alien fruit.
It's a vegetable.
Probably.
[creepy synth music]
[alien scream]
Shit!
[suction noises]
[struggling noises]
[beeping]
[alien wailing]
[pop]
You got the pod?
Just drive.
Okay.
Hey, anybody seen a Mennonite?
Dressed like... me
basically.
Mr. Todecky. Good.
I need to see you in my office.
I thought you said
you never need to see me.
Things have changed. This way.
No thanks.
Why not?
Because you're infected.
Because you're all infected.
Look at this place.
You're employees
of the federal government.
It's after 5 p.m. and you're still here.
Obviously, my friend has had some sort
of run in with a pod plant horror show.
And you don't find that a little funny?
[laughing]
Oh, Todecky!
Thou will never believe what I just saw.
You could definitely stop saying that now.
I'm going to believe everything.
And you!
Oh, they goo'd thee too, huh?
Thy clothes...
all... clingy... now.
Jeb.
Huh? Oh, sorry.
Lot on my mind.
It's okay. Follow me.
Okay.
Oh fuck.
[fire burning]
Get in!
What happened back at your place?
Well, a starfish shaped space
toddler hatched out of it
and try to attach istelf to me
like a guy in a band.
What's your story?
They were all... changed.
They... they tried to restrain me, but I
I fought my way through.
All fifteen of them.
I used
anything I could hold as a weapon, bashing
and slicing my way out.
It was horrifying,
yet...
Yet pleasurable as the as the sweat
of my labors mixed with... with the
wet of their entrails.
I'm born again, friends.
Baptized in alien blood and, and made new!
[laughing]
What about Snatchers
as a name for the creatures?
You know,
because they snatch your body?
I don't like that name.
Let's try to think of something better.
In the meantime,
we're going to need a new sample.
And if your work is Alien Corn Central,
then we know where we gotta go.
I can't believe
I agreed to come down here with you.
Is that shit?
There's shit everywhere.
I thought you were a maid,
you can't be afraid of a little shit.
I'm not a real maid.
Or a real filmmaker either... I don't
know. I'm feeling kind of rudderless.
Yeah, well, that's why you date jerks.
See, you gotta figure yourself out first,
then you realize you deserve better.
You mean someone nice who drags me into a
disgusting sewer
filled with rats and hepatitis?
Why didn't you bring Jeb down here?
Well,
if anybody's an alien, it's probably Jeb.
You heard him. He's dropping
his Shakespeare talk.
Besides, you know, the building.
This has nothing to do with the last time
you suggested coming into the sewer?
It's not some boyhood
fucked up fantasy of yours?
I just wanted to come down here is all.
And I am not disappointed.
But I gotta confess,
now that we're down here I just...
I think it's unlikely we're going
to be able to find our way up from here.
What?
Yeah,
I just figured it'd be like in the movies.
You know, shimmy up a big pipe. But, turns
out it's just a bunch of narrow pipes.
You asshole.
I agree to come in this shit
river with you and your plan was
Hey, let's just go into the sewer
end of plan?
Hey, I had the part about going up
the pipe, like in the movies.
No, no. If it ends with the words,
'like in the movies, '
it doesn't count as part of the plan.
This is just like the FDA.
You went in like such a bad ass
but you didn't have a plan,
and you ended up running off
like you shit yourself
during the school play.
Hey, that's over the line, okay?
I run a little funny because
I have a sports hernia from sports.
Right. Well, we're doing what I say now
and I say is we're getting out of here.
Brie, come on.
Brie... wait up.
Brie? Hey Brie!
Todecky, that's the weird glowing shit.
Only there's so much.
What part of the building is this under?
The old generator room
but they replaced it
so no one ever goes down there...
except the cleaning staff.
Well how did you get down here to clean?
With my keycard.
Why didn't we use that?
Because you had such a huge
goddamn sewer boner!
That's why.
I hardly think this is my fault.
Look, the glow seems to be coming
from the drain in the floor above us.
So you think you could boost me up?
Maybe.
[metal scraping]
See, what'd I say?
-Just like in the movies.
-Shhhh.
It's Snatchers HQ.
I hate that name.
Can't we call 'em Podsters?
Or The Taken?
It's like a grow house down here.
Yeah, only they're not growing weed.
They're growing an army.
Listen, we gotta
[door opening] Shhhhh.
What is it you wanted
to show me down here?
There's no WiFi.
Just keep your eyes closed
and let it happen.
Finally. I'm going to blog
about this later, if that's cool.
[kissing noises]
[squelching]
[screaming]
He got corned. It is time to go.
No. We're not running and
leaving all these pods.
We can use those cans of gas.
Say no more.
[liquid pouring]
[match striking]
[match fizzling]
Must have got wet from the sewer.
[footsteps]
Do you smell gasoline?
Intruders!
Save the pods.
We'll deal with them later.
I think we lost them.
Okay.
You guys are seriously stinking up
my truck.
It's true. You smell.
Well talk to Super Mario the
sewer lover over here.
We need a change of clothes, a safe place
to regroup and figure out our next move.
We should go to the police.
All right, that's it.
It's time to call in a favor.
I know a guy down at the bureau.
Which Bureau?
Census Bureau?
Indian Affairs?
Hang on. That's funny.
Special Agent Devereaux?
This is Paul Todecky.
I'm going to need some backup.
[garbled]... Todecky.
Yeah, you gave me your card!
I had to mail you your handkerchief.
Crying, right! See? You do remember.
So listen, there's something weird going
down. I got some inside intel and...
Hello?
Hello?
Guys...
they got to him.
I think they infiltrated the FBI.
Wow, Todecky. Wow.
As embarrassing as that was,
and that was the single most
humiliating moment I've ever witnessed.
I think you probably have a point.
Alright?
If I was one of those things,
I would infiltrate the cops first.
Well then who can help us?
We gotta get some help
from outside the law.
[Lenses by Heiruspecs begins]
So how do you know the White Duke,
Todecky?
Yeah, he's super famous.
Everybody loves him.
Oh, except the ASPCA.
They don't like his sled dogs.
Well, we grew up together
back in Williamsburg
before it was being gentrified.
Just two Polish kids hanging out.
Then he got a little weird.
He got weird?
Yeah, I love his retro vibe.
This is retro to you guys?
Don't you mean thee guys?
What?
Your speech, it's changing.
You noticed! It's working.
You see, I realized I can't go home again,
so I have to try to make a new life here
in this world.
Are my eyes playing tricks on me?
Do I see Paul Todecky up in my crib?
Am I trip pin?
Wait!
Let me ask my boys if I'm trip pin.
Is daddy trip pin right now?
Is daddy trip pin right now?
No?!
Todecky's really here.
[chuckles]
Well, well,
well, well, well, well, well,
well, well, well, well...
Are you done?
Nope.
Well, well, well, well, well, well,
well, well, well, well, well, well, well.
And what do we have here?
Todecky's brought his
whole playgroup with him.
Have you met my crew?
Look, Kevin, we don't want any trouble,
all right?
What are you looking for, Todecky?
Protection.
Pffft!
Why should I help you?!
Because you and Todecky are friends,
and we all need your help.
Paaa ha!
[laughing]
Todecky ain't my friend.
He never calls me to hang out.
He's been ignoring me since high school.
You didn't even accept my invitation
to connect on Linkedln.
It probably went to my spam folder.
And what about the rest of crew, man?
Do you remember them?
Mathletes?
Dwight!
You forget all your childhood friends
and you roll up in here
looking for protection?
[laughing]
This is serious, alright?
And it's not just about us.
The whole city's in trouble,
maybe the whole planet.
Man... what kind of bullshit
is coming out of you right now?
You remember those plants we were talking
about the other day?
Right...
and I told you I don't eat that shit.
Just waffles and pussyyyyyy.
Right, right, right, right.
Well, turns out
they might be from another planet.
Fuck that shit.
Aliens, please.
It's true. They're infecting people,
controlling them.
Tell him.
Oh, ahh.
Your Majesty.
[whispering] Get up.
Do... do you remember the meteor?
Yeah.
It crash landed on my property.
The strange penis corn was inside.
They took over my village.
I had one of those pods and a thing came
out of it and try to attach itself to me.
That's how they snatch your bodies.
I call them Snatchers.
Great, name. Go on.
They took over all of our friends.
Todecky and I crashed their headquarters,
and they chased us, and
that's how we ended up here.
Kevin...
Duke.
I know I could have been a better friend
to you, and I'm sorry about that.
We just drifted apart.
You know, I went into the law enforcement
and you became an Isaac
Hayes impersonator.
I still don't get most of your decisions,
but I coulda tried harder.
But either way I'm here now
as an old friend.
Just let us stay here tonight,
till we figure this mess out.
Okay.
I heard you out.
Crazy shit.
I don't know how you, uh, brainwashed
all these people into believing
your fucking delusions Todecky,
and I really don't care.
You come to me for protection
for you and your little friends,
and I'm gonna give it to you,
free of charge, for as long as you like.
All you have to do is one little thing.
What?
Kiss my ring.
Oh, fuck this.
I'm taking my chances with The Taken.
Ehh... Snatchers.
She's right, it's better. It is.
So, what do you say Todecky?
Ready to find out how many licks
it takes to get to the center?
There's a hair on it.
Oh, probably the dog's.
[slurping]
[struggling]
Now that wasn't so bad, now was it?
Yer' still a fucking weirdo.
You now have my protection!
My men will take you to your quarters
for the night.
If there's anything you require, ring
the gong in your room,
and one of my concierge, slash
prostitutes, will be right along.
Goodnight.
Oh, by the way, if you're interested.
At midnight we'll be playing
Axis and Allies, the game of World War Two
domination, up in my media room.
Thanks, Dwight.
Well...
Yeah, I guess I'll just, uh...
-check the situation here.
-You sure?
Yeah. No! This is sticky.
-What is that? This is...
-It's all right, we can share.
I mean, we've been in the sewers together.
Yeah, right.
Ahh.
Admit it, you liked it just a little bit.
No, that was the worst.
Fair enough.
Still, we got these pretty sweet PJs
out of the deal.
-Pretty...
-Silky?
Yeah, pretty silky.
Look like Siegfried and Roy.
Ya' really know what to say to a girl,
Todecky.
Yeah. You know,
I wanted to talk to you earlier.
I saw you in the park
before all this happened.
Why didn't you say hi?
Ehh, some Park Slope mommy started
yelling at me.
You're such a chicken shit.
Brie?
Can I ask you a personal question?
Hiding out from the aliens together so...
open book time.
Well... like...
if I didn't take you to that drugstore...
Yeah?
And, um...
you weren't seeing somebody right now...
He's probably snatched, but, okay...
You know, and we weren't spending
the night in Prince's sex dungeon?
Yeah.
Do you think I'd have a shot with you?
Ahh...
Well,
I used to think you were a little weird...
but now that I see how weird weird gets,
you seem
relatively normal in comparison, but
probably not.
Ouch.
Okay.
Plus, really, right now in my life
I'm just looking to bone, so...
mainly dating for looks.
What?
I know it sounds awful and it's
hugely disappointing on so many levels,
but it's true.
I don't know what I want out of my life,
but I know
I want it to include some serious rough
boning with some hot ass dudes.
So if they're an asshole,
like it's not the end of the world.
It's pretty blunt, Brie.
Luke Skywalker was nice,
but everyone wanted to bang Han Solo.
Well, yeah, But you know,
just because Han Solo's
a bad boy doesn't mean he's
necessarily better at boning.
You know I bet if Luke had a chance with
Leia he would have, you know, really...
Uhhh...
-They're siblings.
-No I know they're... well, now... but,
-Yeah. Yeah.
-And I'm not... that's not my thing.
No, no. Yeah, um...
-Just want to be clear.
-Yeah, yeah. No, I know.
Don't try to be something that you're not.
You know, just if you're a Luke,
be a Luke.
There's plenty of women out there
that like that. Especially older,
bearded, Jedi Master Luke.
Kind of has, like, a older college
professor thing going on.
Brie, I know I'm not a lot of things,
but I can speak without
a drop of uncertainty and knowing full
well that tomorrow we could be walking
skins suits for aliens.
If you let me,
I will Han Solo you like
you've never been Han Solo'd before.
Hey, we're all pajama buddies.
Yeah.
You guys, something happened in me
and Gem's bedroom.
-Something beautiful?
-Step off that.
I heard something
from someone... I don't, I don't know.
And I found this.
That's the same purple goo stuff
from my apartment.
And the Airbnb.
-Which means that...
-One of us got corned.
Well,
Brie had that goo all over her earlier,
how do we know she didn't get taken?
Brie wasn't in your room,
she was with me the whole time.
Nice.
Jeb, you got all gooed up today, too.
Oh, sure, blame the single guy.
It's not my fault I'm here alone.
I got cock blocked by a meteor.
Where'd you learn that
phrase, bible school?
[arguing]
-Hey hey hey...
-[arguing]
Stop it. Stop it. Stop it, you guys. Stop.
This is exactly what they want.
They want us paranoid
and fighting amongst ourselves.
We have to calm down
and think this through.
She's right.
None of us can really vouch for any other.
We've all been away from each other,
at least for a while
at some point. So it could be any one of
us... or the Duke, or his men.
-Where are they?
-Recreating World War II in his media room
Don't you listen?
Let's concentrate on who's in this room,
okay?
We need a way to test
to see who's an... Overtaker.
God, Snatcher.
We need a test to see who's a Snatcher.
I know a way,
but none of you are going to like it.
No purple glow,
-you're good to go.
-Makes perfect sense.
Sure, it's
no problem for the sewer fetishist.
Hey, I don't have a sewer fetish.
I just went down there
because it's offbeat and forbidden.
That's like the definition of a fetish.
Fuck this.
I cannot do bathroom stuff
in front of other people.
This is like gym class all over again.
I was bullied!
Look, if you guys have any other idea
to tell who's who, I'm all ears,
otherwise I hope you had your fiber.
Let's not be rude about it.
Honestly, I'm just excited
to be using indoor plumbing.
Okay, so who's first?
Your idea.
[mellow lo-fi music]
[toilet flushing]
We have to see it, Jeb.
Right, yeah...
I got more.
It's not glowing.
-No, I know, but...
-I don't need to see this.
That's some weird ass shit, Todecky.
Really?
How often do you eat
at the dump that you took us to?
Every day.
You should see a doctor.
It's that bad?
[screaming]
Don't.
Lulu is gone.
I even had you fooled, didn't I Gem?
Soon there will be no distinction.
We will become you
and you will simply cease to be.
Okay, just let Gem go.
Your species has remarkable
empathy for one another,
which is stupid.
[gasping]
I am so sorry, Gem.
[struggling]
[gunshots]
Oh god, she's dead.
[gun cocks]
I don't care
if they're from outer space or not.
Nobody comes into my...
why can't I remember this?
What is it again?
Duchy.
Thank you.
...duchy and starts shit!
Check this shit out.
[gunshot]
Todecky!
I am very sorry.
[gun click]
Safety's on, we're good.
Guys, we just can't go in there
and shoot up the place.
There's way too many of them now.
Plus,
no one else seems to see what's happening
and the cops think we're murderers.
So we need to figure out another way.
[microwave sounds]
What is he doing?
That's my microwave.
What?
It's not the electric clothing dryer?
I put my underwear in there!
Oh, dude...
The one in my apartment exploded.
These things
are really susceptible to microwaves.
So what are we supposed to do,
lure 'em into a bunch of microwaves? Send
out a message to meet up at PC Richards?
No.
We need to figure out a way
to hit the building. Maybe
take them all out
without firing a single shot.
But where
do you find a giant microwave?
Space satellites?
Cooking schools?
Live radio broadcast is done
through microwaves.
If we could find a broadcast tower
down near south fourth,
where Scott Shannon does his radio show.
What?! He says what we're all thinking.
If we could find a way to get up there
and redirect the dish down at the nest,
we could turn that whole place
into a huge tub of popcorn.
For Lulu.
Yeah, for Lulu. [dogs barking]
Greco, Roman,
What's wrong boys?
They found us.
[crowd yelling]
We got to get to the truck.
[gunshots]
[crowd yelling]
-Let's go, now!
-I'm staying.
This is my house in my hood,
and I'm repping it
'til the end of it.
You want some of this motherfucker?
Take it! Take it, you fucking bitch!
Take it!!!
Somebody's chasing.
It's the pickle truck, lady.
The French Pickler?
No, the other one. It's none of them,
they all got corned.
All your pickle friends are gone.
Now hit them with something.
What is this?
It's Kimchi. Lulu made it.
This one's for Lulu.
Yeaggh!
[glass breaking]
[laughing]
[in German] Holy crap, eh?
I really have to learn
some English exclamations.
I am very proud of myself!
[laughing]
Good morning, America. It's Scott and
Wendy on the radio
Is that it?
And today we are doing it
caffeine free!
How long that'll last, who knows?
Now it's a broadcast facility,
so security is bound to be tight.
Brie, I'm going to need you to distract...
Todecky, It's a radio station.
There's no guards.
No one's even listening.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
Until you said something.
I forgot radio even existed.
-I don't think I have a radio.
-Are you fucking with me?
They're joking everyone
I know owns a radio.
-See?
-See?
Okay, enough. Let's get to the roof.
All right, let's split up.
Gem, Jeb, you guys go that way.
Me and Brie, we'll go this way.
Shout if you find the stairs up.
We almost had a moment back there
at the Duke's, right?
Yeah. That was something.
Almost.
Seems like a shame, what with us about to
die and everything...
that we didn't... explore that.
Are you trying to hook up with me,
like now?
Now, with all this shit happening?
Jesus, let's go already.
These all look the same, and we still
haven't found the stupid stairs up.
Should we call them?
Great.
Jeb? Jeb?
Gem, is that you?
What are you doing here?
The last time we saw you,
you were going full Rambo
to protect your home.
Did you see how many of them
there were out there?
Besides, I can replace a lot of that
memorabilia on eBay.
Why were you guys doing all that shit
at me while I was following you
-in the truck?
-That was you?
-Oh, man. Sorry about that.
-It's cool.
Let's just get to the roof.
There has to be stairs up. Maybe
a custodial office or something.
And keep your eyes open for Jeb.
That turd got himself lost, or I did.
Gem, I should have told you
this before,
but I'm really sorry about your loss.
Yeah,
Yeah, I really can't believe it.
I'm dying inside.
It must have been really difficult
for you.
Everyone
I know spends all this time
trying to be someone that they're not.
But Lulu,
Lulu was happy with who she was.
Who can say that anymore?
I think I could make you feel better.
Not the time, dude.
[squelching] You son of a bitch!
Shhh, don't fight it.
Don't fight it.
It'll all be over soon.
Brie, what are you doing?
Ray Ray?
That's not him.
It's me. New and improved.
Brie, I realized
you're the most important thing to me.
Brie...
I want to do more stuff together...
Like, sexually.
The really, really weird stuff
you're always begging me for.
-Brie...
-Shhh. Let's, let's hear him out.
You know, I'll quit
art and go back to male modeling.
Just... please... let me
All right, enough. The lady's with me.
The aliens have super strength.
What?
-It's okay. I got this.
-Wait, hold on.
He's right, Todecky.
He's the new and improved Ray.
But I can still do better.
[gunshot]
FfffffffFUCK.
Where's all the alien goo?
-You fucking shot me!
-You're not an alien?
He's not an alien?
-There are aliens?
-Yes. Oh, I'm so sorry.
Oh, you're just acting so weird.
You made me dinner with stuff you bought.
I just got that stuff of a Meals on Wheels
truck.
I was trying to wine and dine you...
so you could buy me Coachella tickets.
Wha.. what about the weird...
glowing shit in the toilet?
I didn't...
Oh, Jodi came over.
Your important critic,
ex-girlfriend, Jodi?
-You're a real dick, Ray Ray.
-Owww!
But I guess I'm glad you're
not one of them.
Thanks.
So... so there are aliens?
Yes!
And I am so sorry about that misunder...
shooting.
If you're not an alien,
how did you track us?
Find my iPhone.
You gave me your Apple ID
when I bought those Against Me tickets.
It was a rad show.
[panting]
I found the stairs, so...
Who's this guy?
[elevator chime]
[elevator door]
[crowd noise]
It's so many stairs.
-So, wait, you're kicking me out?
-Yes.
Dish is over there on that tower.
You go.
I'll stay behind.
Really?
Yeah. You fucking shot me,
I need medical attention.
Sorry.
I'll stay too...
-to, to hold them off.
-We gotta go.
Bye, Ray.
-I'm Jeb.
-I'm Ray Ray.
-Hi.
-Hey.
Guess we might die, huh?
Yeah.
[chuckling]
Well, still nice to meet you, Jeb.
You know, it's nice to meet you, too.
Has anybody ever told you you have
really... nice hands.
Oh, trashcan moisturizer.
Third base.
Okay, that'll do. That'll do.
[cracking sound]
Look who I found.
-You guys okay?
-Yeah, yeah. Good.
Violence!
All right, let's do this.
Wait, Brie,
what if we just talked to them first?
-What?
-Yeah...
-try to work it out.
-There's no time.
They're gone, Todecky.
Don't resist.
Things will be much better
once we're in control.
You'll see.
We've taken over countless worlds,
inhabited the bodies of every species
imaginable.
Without question, humanity is the worst.
Believe me, this is an upgrade.
It's not your fault.
-You just don't know any better.
-You're right. We don't.
We don't know any better.
We make irrational decisions
in the face of overwhelming logic.
Should I have gone to medical school
like Heidi Ronson?
-Yeah, my mom was right about that.
-Brie...
Now I make documentaries
earning minimum wage, doing a job
I'm frankly not even qualified to do.
The thing about me, thing about humanity,
is that we just don't know any better.
We do what's right for us
even if it is incredibly stupid.
Right!
That's what we're saying.
Yeah, people are stupid.
We fail FBI test
after FBI tests over and again,
but we get up, and we take that expensive
Caplan test prep course and we reapply...
even if we're actively discouraged
from doing so by those dicks
at the academy registrar office.
You're just saying what she said
with different unflattering
specifics about yourself.
One, you don't know that I wasn't talking
about someone else...
and two, humanity
always has an ace up its sleeve.
Fuck.
Fuck yes, redemption.
Jeb, you made it.
I've got two fists:
Dairy, and Creamer.
Creamer is smooth.
So silky... YAH!
You'll never see her coming.
Dairy's a big heifer
who will kick you if you wrong her.
We're lactose intolerant as a species.
[laughing]
Even Better.
Jeb!
Don't.
God forgive me,
I used a microwave!
[loud crash]
[windshield breaking]
Shit.
Can you hurry?
[distortion sounds]
Point it at the building.
Our very first guest is a very funny guy..
Friend of mine... Joe Piscopo.
Good morning, Joe.
Ahhh... we're off the air.
Now that is a lot of fire.
That is a surprising amount of fire.
[small explosion]
Yeah.
We should go.
Yep. Yeah.
How do we know if we stopped them in time?
...and the blaze has been contained.
Authorities claim the same
Russian hacktivists, who we all know
orchestrated the meteorite hoax,
are also to blame for this fire.
They got to Scott Shannon.
It's bigger than
we thought. What do we do?
Just keep driving.
...in a nearly unanimous vote in favor
of universal governmental consolidation.
How this will be implemented
is yet to be seen, but UN officials
I think we should stick to the back roads.
Stay away from I-10.
Meanwhile US lead NATO corn shipments
continue globally while at home
Turn him off.
...an all time low of .4%
Sign says they don't open for 30 minutes
so...
What you want to do?
[in Spanish] Let's bone.
Closed Captioning provided by
Littleknife Media